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Threads 2651 to 2700

no one seemed to mind that i just typed befor
Posted by dyingtodie on Thu Sep 20 18:35:41 2001 (#10464)

it started out as such a small thing barely breacking the skins surface just enough to make me feel something and now it is so hard to just barely cut and the scares are for ever growing i feel nothing even when the pain is presented to myself by a razor no more i feel numbness an escape from my thoughts a small line of blood masking my true selfits become so easy to hide with in my blood to let everthing be slit away in anger to leave my body brocken and torn battered and scared and no that it is as simpile as hurting myself taking away the oppertunity for others to hurt me first it puts me in control and i need the stablilty of it

What you feel
Posted by divingmermaid on Thu Sep 20 19:54:36 2001 (#10465)

As I wrote before. You are so much able to bring to the point what you are feeling (Of course I do not really know what you feel but I get the idea). I think you are really good at writing. Does it help to write it down? I often find it helps me keeping a kind of a chaotic diary but I hope no one will ever find it unless I am dead. Christina

I'm sorry if I neglected you
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 24 09:34:11 2001 (#10528)

I used to write like you, my mind and thoughts dwelling on the act of cutting, but I'm past that.

Now I'm in physical pain, and that consumes my thoughts, and interrutps my sleeping, so I haven't been on the board or in the mood to cut lately.

I will tell you this: This board is a good place to express your feelings in words, and maybe soon you won't need to cut...you will be able to express your thoughts and feelings with out drawing blood. Love and Hugs Dawn

Why?
Posted by ~*KATE*~ on Thu Sep 20 20:34:52 2001 (#10466)

I had not cut in 8 months...I had thought about it, almost even tried it, but never did. Well, dammit, Monday is all came tumbling down again and I cut my leg. After, I felt so stupid, but I couldn't get away from everything. College is so hard-it's my first year. That, and the whole trade center thing, and the fact my b/f is feeling the same way adn I'm worried, and all the crap that just keeps piling up. I don't know. I feel better today, but that was 8 months wasted!!!!!!!!!! Why? For what? What the hell am I doing? I just don't understand life anymore...thanks for listening guys-I know I don't post much, but I do read everything! So thanx... ~*KATE*~

its not wasted
Posted by ~~~lil baby nothing~~~ on Thu Sep 20 21:02:59 2001 (#10467)

I just want to say its not wasted. ive been 5 months and i cant stop thinking about it. it might feel like nothing, but its a difficult acheivement. it may not have lasted more than 8 months, but many ppl are too weak to manage a week, a month... well done and congratulations for lasting so long angel.i know what its like, when everything is crashing down and all u can think of is to cut in th back of your mind u know it wont help, but all u can think of is the immediate situation....its as if you go mental for a short space of time... i wont continue as im sure youve been there. but well done, dont be to hard on yourself for giving in. dont see it as " i went 8 months then fucked it up and have to start gain" look t it like this "i have ONLY cut ONCE in 9 months!!" sorry, im in this sort of positive mood, doesnt happen often and i feel the need to spread it or at least attempt to spred it toothers..... love u lots angel, Little Baby Nothing

*~*dont you know its allright to be alone?*~*

Re: Why?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 21 00:26:57 2001 (#10469)

Why would you think that it was 8 months wasted?!! It wasn't wasted. You did it for 8 months then you had a setback. No big deal. With all this crap going on in Washington D.C. and New York, who wouldn't be upset!!! I know I was. I cried the whole day and had to explain to the little kids I watch what was wrong. That was hard to do for me. But Kate, 8 months is incrediable!!!!!!! Just pick yourself up and try to start again. The next time I bet you go longer!! Don't get too upset over it, we all still care about you. Take care and write me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

Re: Why?
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 24 09:49:27 2001 (#10529)

Hi, I'm Dawn. I am a cutter too, the oldest on the board. One would think that at 49 I would know of a better way to deal with stress and feelings without taking scissors to my arms, or stomach. most arms.

But in times of stress reason goes out the window for me. I "wig out". In fact I feel like cutting now.

Why? is a good question, but for every scar that I have intentionally put on my body there was a reason that fit "because I needed to"

Times of not cutting are never wasted. They are times when we are getting stronger emotionally and mentally, and when we have set backs we don't stay down in the pit as long. Its like once will do what a thousand times wouldn't before. And each time we get back on track we are that much further ahead because we don't go back to where we were before we stopped, we pick up where we were the day before our set back. Does that make sense to any one. and if it does remind me the next time I cut. like maybe tomorrow My email is always available to anyone love and hugs Dawn

tears of sadness
Posted by emm on Thu Sep 20 23:00:56 2001 (#10468)

hello all. its me again.how are you all, i hope your all well. - im not(today anyway) ive had an awful day at school.this teacher who i get on really well with asked me to talk to her as she had noticed i was upset and generally depressed.i would have loved to be the draw back being if i told her she would have to tell the school nurse which may lead to the nurse phoning my mum, who of course(being the bitch she is) would tell the phyc doctors and give me a lecture.

what am i supposed to do. i really want to finally talk to someone.get it all of my chest. just let it all out to someone. theres no one who knows my full story and i wish there was someone who i could honestly say Knows Me.Properly. should i take the risk with the school nurse and what she might do and tell her. or should i just carry on as i am.

sad, lonley, upset, depressed, and painfully alone.

why is it that people say "if you have a problem, you should talk about it".......to who...a doctor, no, they make it worse......your family, no, thats really asking for it......a friend, no , i dont have a close friend who i feel comfortable telling.....hmmm b/f..yeah right,like im ever not going to be a singelton......a teacher, no , because they have to tell someone.

THEN WHO. who am i supposed to go to. my reflection. why am i so alone on this one.

its ironic relly the way that the people who tell you to talk to them about your problems actually are not there at all when you need some moral support. no theyre in theyer own happy little world.

i know you guys are brilliant and i have told you quite a bit about me but its not the same as talking to someone in the flesh. it doesnt really feel like im telling anyone because i cant see, or hear you. thankyou all the same. i couldnt cope without you all.

anyway. i must be off no to do some bits and pieces(namely cutting) and other stuff.

love you all. emma ****

Re: tears of sadness
Posted by *me* on Fri Sep 21 01:18:01 2001 (#10471)

I feel the same way. I would LOVE to be able to talk to someone *in the flesh* without having to freak that they're going to tell someone, or judge me.

"why is it that people say "if you have a problem, you should talk about it".......to who...a doctor, no, they make it worse......your family, no, thats really asking for it......a friend, no , i dont have a close friend who i feel comfortable telling.....hmmm b/f..yeah right,like im ever not going to be a singelton......a teacher, no , because they have to tell someone. "

My thoughts exactly. I am feeling so very alone these days and that isn't doing much to help me (lol). Seriously, though. I can't take feeling this way ne more. I can't wait til I'm 18 and can get myself some help.

Re: tears of sadness
Posted by ~*KATE*~ on Fri Sep 21 05:28:59 2001 (#10475)

Hey, babe, I understand. During the time I did it alot, I told no one...not a soul, b/c I thought it would hurt them, and they would judge me. And when I finally did tell people, yes, some of them did. But not one of them turned on me, as I was afraid they would. You have to trust someone, even if it means taking a risk. I know it's hard. I knowit sucks. that's part of hte reason I kept cuttin-because it was all me. I don't know who you could tell, becasue I don't know your life, but I do know that we are all here. I know, like you said, it's not the same, but it does help...so as silly as this sounds, feel better! ~LOVE AND HUGS~ ~*KATE*~

Re: tears of sadness
Posted by *Poison on Sat Sep 22 04:13:23 2001 (#10491)

EXACTLY! and then u get in trouble by your parents counselours therapists etc when u don't talk to anyone. no one knows my full story either. i just started bringing up a lot of new issues up when i was in the hosp.i say u should talk to your teacher, take the crap and then at least you will have SOMEONE to be able to help you

Amanda

Re: tears of sadness I AM CRYING FOR YOU ALL
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 24 10:08:51 2001 (#10530)

Gee I forgot what it was like being a teenager. Only it never ocurred to me to talk to anyone about my rapes, or my feelings, because I didn't have any. I was numb. like a ball going from one place to another, alone except when I met a person I thought was a friend, then discoverd 30 years later they were rapist, who had a plan and carried it out.

You kids (no offense) I know I didn't feel like a kid at your ages.

Emm, you and I e-mail and you don't tell me any of this. I apologize that I'm so self centered that I have let you down. You need an adult friend and I don't listen to what you are not saying and need too. I'll try harder. Really I will. Love and Hugs

Oh, and emm, take a risk. tell someone and keep telling until someone listens. I know its risky. But as you said you can't keep up the "I'm ok" chrade for long.

i dont mean to make u cry:(
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 21 01:09:51 2001 (#10470)

everyones trying to help me, paying attention to me wanting me get better loving me, but i feel so alone, and i dont want to get better and im hurting the ones i love ( my mom mostly) she cant talkto me about it with out crying her eyes out and she doesnt sleep at nite b/c shes worried about me, if i wanted to get better i could anytime i have like 6 ppl workign for me( doctors) but i dont want to, this is mine and mine alone u cant take it away, anyways sorry for bitching and complaining love ya linds

There is no need for an apology
Posted by Amanda on Fri Sep 21 20:07:42 2001 (#10482)

this board is here so that you have a place to vent your emotions and hurt so pls dont apologise.

Re: i dont mean to make u cry:(
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 21 23:11:41 2001 (#10488)

There's nothing to be sorry for. You are you and we can't change that. Just know that you have a lot of friends here that care about you and if you ever want help, we're here. I know how your mom feels. I used to cry about Tara all the time. I wouldn't sleep either for fear she would hurt herself during the night, but I slowly got over that. I still hurt for her when she's down, but now I try to help her get back up by joking around or something that makes her smile. I could try and talk to your mom if you want me to. Let me know, okay? Take care and remember, only YOU can decide when you want to feel better. I hope you do later on down the road. Love, Rhonda

i keep getting worse and worse
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Fri Sep 21 01:26:28 2001 (#10472)

hi. i'm getting kinda sick of being alive at the moment. i went a while without cutting myself and now the top of my arm is just full of scabs and cuts, i fucked up pretty bad i've been doing it about five times a night and have considered suicide quite a lot recently, this whole moving house crap and restarting uni after scraping through by the skin of my teeth my band is falling apart because the singer is being an arsehole but he is also a good mate and it just fucks with my head. we can't sing any songs i wrote for the band because they are about depression / suicide / cutting type thing and they won't do it they still think i want to be richey edwards and that really pisses me off. i love the manics maybe but people writing me off as usless gets to me it's things like that that make you want to die

thanks for reading

andy

p.s. my thoughts are also with alex zanardi the driver who had his legs amputated in a horiffic crash on saturday GET WELL SOON

Re: i keep getting worse and worse
Posted by ~*KATE*~ on Fri Sep 21 05:33:12 2001 (#10476)

Hey, Andy-things do seem pretty rough. I don't know quite what to say, but I felt I had to say something. Just keep trying. I knwo, you try, you fall, it sucks...but keep trying. ADN you know, we're all here for you, to back you up. I know I can't hear your music,but if you want, I'd love to read the lyrics and stuff-you can send 'em to mt email. take care, buddy! ~*KATE*~

Re: i keep getting worse and worse
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 21 23:05:27 2001 (#10486)

Hey Andy, I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Wish there was something I could do to make it better. I know there are no words that would help, but know that I care about you and am thinking about you. I hope you feel better soon. Please try not to hurt yourself too bad, I'd hate to lose you as a friend. Write me if you want to. I'm slowly getting back on the board. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

head and heart
Posted by jes on Fri Sep 21 01:52:38 2001 (#10473)

im confused. soo confused. k, so, i was best friends w/ this girl for bout 4/5 yrs and then, last year, a few months afetr she found out bout my cutting, she basically told me to piss off and find someone else to depress (not in so many words, more polite, but the same idea). so i did, and we didnt talk for 18mnths. i was actuall just starting to not let it bother me too much because for ages, it would have me in tears or worse because i knew it was my fault, but n e way, i saw her at the bus-stop, and at first she ignored me but then she turned round and said 'jo?' i was like, who, me? oh, erm, i mean, 'yeah?' and she just goes, 'im really sorry for what happenned and i miss you and i still think bout u loads'. so the problem- my hearts is kind of, well this is what you've wanted, this is soo great, you ccan at least talk again, maybe eve semi-friends. but my head is saying, dont be so fucking stupid. ur not gonna be friends again, and if you did, ud just scare her off again. i just cant get my head round n e thing any more, i dont even know what i think anymore. and then theres still the fact that they are still there, watching. oh yeah (sry to go on but i need a rant at the mo' sry) and to make it all really great, my great-uncle just died, so im going to his funeral on mon'. ive never been to one b4. why the fuck did i say id go? i cant handle that. not now. sry i went on. ill shut up. mmmmm love jes xxx

Re: head and heart
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 21 10:42:21 2001 (#10477)

hia jess.

i see what you mean. i was in a similar situationnot so long ago where me best friend ditched me over the fact that i told her i was a cutter. we didnt talk for about a year even though i saw her regularly everday which was hard coz i made it clear that she definatly didnt want to talk to me.

shes talking to me again now but it'll never be the same again because i still remember what she did to me.

i dont know how you think you can cope with forgiving her. i know i dont really forgive my friend because of all the pain she put me through.

but.....as they say forgive and forget.

its all up to you.tell her your still cut and that you only want her friendship if she can excet you as you are.thats what a true friend is.

lots of love Emma*****

Re: head and heart
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Sat Sep 22 02:52:16 2001 (#10490)

one of my friends did that but i'm not sure why. she knew i was a cutter she was a cutter herself and she came to my disaster of an 18th b/d she never rung me after that and it fucking hurts so you have my utmost sympathy

(and no-one will know my name until it's on the stone)

Re: head and heart
Posted by jes on Sun Sep 23 00:46:45 2001 (#10499)

thanks for the responses :) i don't know what to say or how to if i knew what i wanted to say. my head is just soo fuzzy at the moment, it's like it's not really happening to me, i'm just watching. reigarlbvfladuihreagbvegghbehj rgmn sry, i want to scream, but i don't knw why or what for. love jes xx

Jes
Posted by *star* on Fri Sep 21 15:04:03 2001 (#10478)

Hi babe,

I read a few mails i came across and i thought i wanted to write a quick message to you, igonore me if i go on you know what im like. I love you what was i mainly wanted to say i dont know who *he* is but i cant help thinking that the best thing would be a little help with all this tell me about it, i probably dont kno what im on about but at least i can listen (tape my mouth up etc lol) i want to help i love you, im glad you and ruth have talked but im always here no matter what please remember that, in gaining back old friends PLease dont forget me i love you Amz xx

Re: Jes
Posted by jes on Sun Sep 23 00:16:22 2001 (#10498)

i love you. i don't want to hurt you. plz don't worry bout me. xxxxxxxxxxxx

nothing
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 21 18:15:07 2001 (#10479)

hello. its just me again feelingreally low at the moment and i just needed some cheering up. things are not going well for me at the moment. the whole cutting is getting worse. the whole teacher finding out thing and in general just being alive. im sick of haveing to put on that fake smile and act all happy just so that no one will suspect anything.

why am i alone and lonely. im not nasty or unfriendly. why can i not find another person like me who i can find and talk to.

sorry for moaning again. emma**

nothing
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 21 18:21:47 2001 (#10480)

why am i alone and lonely. im not nasty or unfriendly. why can i not find another person like me who i can find and talk to.

sorry for moaning again. emma**

They Don’t Think I See

Their eyes are upon me now Judging my every move No matter where I go No matter what I do

I can hear them whisper Just as I pass by I see them turn their heads Just as I catch their eye

Is it because I’m different Not what they call normal Because I lead in my own direction And don’t act proper or formal

What do they know They aren’t really alive They may fit society’s standards But they’ll never survive

I am one of a kind A rare dying breed If all they see is how I look They don’t really see me.

Re: nothing
Posted by deadflower on Fri Sep 21 23:09:55 2001 (#10487)

well, now that the teacher knows, you don't have to put on that fake smile, right? that could always be a good thing. It's a good thing ot be alive, it truly is.

because whoever said life was about happiness and contentment is a fucker. Life is about struggle, stuggle to find that place where you can be happy and stuff like that.

The challenge is always exciting, where you get through cutting yourself, when you manage to stop, but still feel like shit. If you get through feeling like shit, you've won the challenge, not through with the struggle though. you can always have the small moments of happiness and contentment though, right?

"Everyone's afraid of their own life, if you can be anything you want, I bet you'd be disapointed, am I right?"

emma It is good to be your friend
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 25 08:30:35 2001 (#10560)

Sure we are many time zones away from each other. When I wake up you are ready for bed. But not a day goes by that I do not wonder how your day went, and how you are holding up. I care for you just as much as I care for my own children.

I've learned I got sick trying to control them, and also that as adults now they live their lives separate from me. But we still love each other, and its different with each one, because each one is different. Just like everyone on this board is different.

As Dave told me in an email we are deep. I always felt different from everyone else. I didn't have many friends. I wan't into all the "styling" and "being cool" I was just me in my body, facing trial after trial, putting one step forward and getting through each day totally unaware of the big picture of my life.

I think you are so focused on hiding your scars and feeling different that you are failing to connect with people. Introspective people do that. And that is why we come to this board. We understand being different. We understand feeling lonely. We understand that harming ourselves is like our best friend.

But it is hard to make friends when we are actively cutting. People fear us. They don't know what to say, and what not to say... and they are afraid to get to close for fear that when they get real with themselves they might turn to cutting too.

Well, all I can offer is words. and tell you I love you.

.
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 21 18:25:54 2001 (#10481)

The Candle

Little Candle Burn so bright Holding back The starry night But if I were To blow you out Would I have cause To scream and shout? For the night is safe And withholds the light Of painful memories Of Malice and Spite But all too soon The night starts to fade Caused by the coming Of the new day And all of my angers Fears and despairs Are exposed again By the sun's cruel rays So Little Candle Burning so bright Should I destroy you? Would that be right? With one little puff You would be away My dark side hidden Until the next day But your light that flickers Gives me solace tonight Withholds all the pains That give me reason to fight So while I battle Against memories and fears I'll allow you to burn To dry up my tears.

Re: .
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 21 23:16:46 2001 (#10489)

Ever think about getting some of your stuff published? I like this one.Write me if you feel like it. Love, Rhonda

Re: . WOW!!!!!!!
Posted by Dawm on Wed Sep 26 23:30:18 2001 (#10598)

emm, this is so good. I hope if you find a magical way to get rid of painful memories you will let me know. Stay in toudh. love Dawn

hot wax
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 21 20:20:46 2001 (#10483)

im finding my self doing other things then just cutting i know some of u do other things then cutting i never did, now im cutting deeper, bashing my head until i cant stand anymore,pouring hot wax on my arms/hands. but nothing seems to work, to take away my pain/anger/lonelyiness

Re: hot wax
Posted by deadflower on Fri Sep 21 23:01:58 2001 (#10485)

maybe ..... your body knows that this isn't gonna work maybe? maybe it knows that it's not the cure. I dont' know what to say, I've done all those things and they seems ot work, but that's just me

we all know that those things aren't good for us, it's talking that works, talking to preople who have something ot say ... ya know?

good luck to you

"emily hopeless"

haven't been here in awhile
Posted by deadflower on Fri Sep 21 22:59:19 2001 (#10484)

Well, yea ... I feel like shit .... but I am doing rather well, shit with my dad ... geez, it's starting to hurt that he doesn't know about my cutting, burning, drinking, ect, ect ...

Four years now and he STILL doesn't know ... I can't believe my mom, she hasn't told him. She should have told him. Then things would have been easier. I bet that if he found out now, he'd act like I was brand new. Send me to a counsellor, stuff like that, I was seeing an awesome counselor, but I missed my appointment .... and ... her secretary said not to make another one, I thought that was rather unfair.... but I made an appointment with that psychaitrist .... the one I missed my appointment with, during the summer.

I cut myself last night, I was frustrated ... with school, I hate my teachers. I was suppose to make this interveiw thingy on a tape recorder about multiculturalism .... but I talked to the teacher about writing another thing, writing an essay about culturalism, being native (which I am) and have some shit in there about how I relate ... and shit ... but then she said that that's not what she wanted. so I just handed the fucker in, as it was, with out the special projects. then I got a slip that said I had to do the project, in order to recieve my credits for the course.

I missed some school, wth me being depressed and shit. and my dad asked me if I talked to my teachers about that, I said I did .... but he just thinks ... something else, he doesn't know I'm dpressed ... or anything .... I did talk to the school counsellor and my TA about everything ....

other than all that, I lost my virginity to someone I wasn't in love with, at all. He didn't like me either as well.

I'm such a bitter person, my motto is, "life's unfair, kill yourself or get over it" ... makes alot of sense.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm afriad I might drop out, the new teachers this year aren't as good as they were last year. I am doing work though, but I can't find the meaning of it all.

I read my sister's journal, she said she was thinking about dropping out, but she was afriad that I wouldn't talk to her, ever again, then she sadi that amybe that would be a good thing. She's such a sensitive person. geez .... sometimes I was wanna tell her that line, "kill yourself or get over it"

I can't talk to her, about anything. She doesn't respond. She doesn't wanna speak her mind. she cut herself, several baby cuts on her hand, I asked her if it was for attention, because we started school the next day. She said no, she said she felt ugly and wanted to make herself even more ugly. I always thought my scars were beautiful. Like richey said, it is a sexy thing to do. I think my sister's such a dumbass. I wish she wasn't, I really do.

blah! I'm sick of living!!!!!

life sucks

"emily hopeless"

realized why I left
Posted by deadflower on Sun Sep 23 03:35:51 2001 (#10504)

I realized why I left this board and I realized I should leave agian

bitter, bitter, bitter ...

"emily hopeless"

anyone listening?
Posted by deadflower on Sun Sep 23 12:29:02 2001 (#10510)

yea, I ..... just screw it, no one responded to my posts ... so ... so there! ..... I don't wanna sound like a brat, because I'm not like that. screw you! screw everyone! I'm going to hurt myself, I just took 10 pills I'm drinking a glass of vodka. Doesn't matter though, maybe I'll fall asleep and never wake up. Everyone I was talking to, online and off, has gone away, either not repying, or just not caring, I liked them, I really did. now I'm where i was before, left all alone. I didn't wanna be left alone, I wanted to get better, I know this is suppose to take time and al that, but what is time when you no longer have anyone to talk to? seriously!!!!! I can't take this anymore, I feel like everyone is giving up on me for real this time. I can't handle this. I can't handle this at all. It's not about keeping promises, it'a bout being there, I wish I can just stop all the bullshit and just be free of all this pain and hurt and anger and everything that always fit into my life with meaning, it's meaningless now, it truly is. help phone lines suck, they called me dramatic, I'm fucking crying now, I wanted to get better I wanted to be soemone, now BE SOEMONE, but at least try. i've been doing my school work, but not with ... whatever, i can't think ... blah! I dont even know what im doing anymore, just screw everyone, i just wanna be dead i wanna sleep adn I wanna stay asleep. nothing's worth anything anymore, it was, and i see that but not anymore, not like this, I wish osmeone can just put me out of my misery like a dog with rabies or something. I hate my life but i dont hate myself. screw everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! i mean it this time, it fucking hurts

"LIVES" by modest mouse Everyone's afraid of their own life If you could be anything you want I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right? No one really knows the ones they love If you knew everything they thought I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up Well, you were the dull sound of sharp math When you were alive No ones gonna play the harp when you die And if I had a nickel for every damn dime I’d have half the time, do you mind? Everyone's afraid of their own lives If you could be anything you want I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right? Am I right? And it’s our lives It's hard to remember, it’s hard to remember We're alive for the first time It's hard to remember were alive for the last time It's hard to remember, it’s hard to remember To live before you die It's hard to remember, it’s hard to remember That our lives are such a short time It's hard to remember, it’s hard to remember When it takes such a long time It's hard to remember, it’s hard to remember… My mom’s God is a woman and my mom she is a witch I like this My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself Why fight this Everyone's afraid of their own lives If you could be anything you want I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?

"emily hopeless"

please kill me

anyone care?
Posted by deadflower on Sun Sep 23 16:09:45 2001 (#10514)

blah! im sick of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate being ignored, easpecially when I need to talk .......... life sucks, might as well get it done and over with, i mean that, but Im not gonna do anything about it ..... life ... sucks shit and I wanna be dead

I Care
Posted by Sharon on Sun Sep 23 23:42:02 2001 (#10523)

Emily,

I do care about you and so do most of these people here. Please understand that most of them are not "ignoring" you, they either weren't around when you were and don't know what to say, or they're wrapped up in their own problems. I've been "guilty" of that before, and I'm sure that you have to. We really do care, e-mail me if you ever need to talk. And keep posting, sometimes you just need to get it out, and believe me, we're listening.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: anyone listening? Damn straight!!!!
Posted by Nuni on Wed Sep 26 18:49:50 2001 (#10592)

Hello little DEAD FLOWER... I am here listening, drowning myself in your words because I have felt this way for so long. at times its less than others. But it hurts NONTHELESS... You are not alone! i KNOW IT SURE FEELS THAT way especially when you are surrounded by those that say that love you. We are here, we always have been.

Re: haven't been here in awhile
Posted by Maggie on Mon Sep 24 10:34:48 2001 (#10533)

Sharons right, there are people on this board who really do care about you. I'm certainly worried when you take 10 pills and Vodka... but time zones are quite out of sync for many of us and that's why you didn't get a response.

I hope you are feeling better today. I really liked your quote... makes heaps of sense to me. I think we are all trying to 'get over it' but it's harder to do than say right?

Email me if you feel like talking anytime. I have MSN messenger and AIM (Mincemind) too.

Take care, Luv Maggie.

I'm sorry for delaying to write you
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 26 23:49:14 2001 (#10599)

Dead Flower...emily hopeless, we meet again. You don't like what I have written before so when I discovered who were emily hopeless I passed on reading your post.

I'm sorry too that You've had such bad days and that time zone very much makes things harder. People work, go to school and are in bed before I get on the board.

It makes it hard when you need someone to talk to NOW! I've been there myself.

I care.....Dawn

Sitting back
Posted by *poison on Sat Sep 22 04:37:21 2001 (#10492)

i just wanted to let you guys know, that i'm reading all the posts, but i'm just not responding to them lately. i've been having a really hard time and i just don't want any one to take it personally if i don't respond. i try to get at least a few out per day but it just isn't happening. I saw a new psychiatrist the other day, one that i had seen in the past to get into a DBT group and detested. but my dad HAD to just make an appointment with her when he knew i didn't like her. but i suppose the good thing is she likes to hand out meds. she put me on trazedone so i could finally sleep. along with my depakote i should be passed out. -lol but the sad thing is that i'm still up till midnight, even on school nights when i've bene lying in my bed since 10pm. the nights are so hard and cruel though. it is when the deamons come out to play in your head. and the day is when you fear the deamons of the night, and when you cry out in pain from the suffering of the torture from the night before. i'm going through such a depression time right now. my therapist saw me the other day and was just like " woah i've never seen you this quiet." bu then i had a family meeting after our brief check in and of course i get yelled at for not living up to my parents expectations of being an attentive listener and voicing my opinions fully, as to what i want to get accomplished with my time. so i just say screw everyone. i'm just going to go through the motions for another 2 years and then i'll be out of this "home" if you can even call it that. just nod your head and smile is what i always say. i just have to keep my grades up so i can graduate my junior year, which is becomming quite a difficult task with me being so out of it. oh well....as Richey Edwards would say

Culture sucks down words Itemise loathing and feed yourself smiles Organise your safe tribal war Hurt maim kill and enslave the ghetto

Each day living out a lie Life sold cheaply forever, ever, ever

Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness

Life lies a slow suicide Orthodox dreams and symbolic myths From feudal serf to spender This wonderful world of purchase power

Just like lungs sucking on air Survivals natural as sorrow, sorrow, sorrow

Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness

All we want from you are the kicks you've given us All we want from you are the kicks you've given us All we want from you are the kicks you've given us All we want from you are the kicks you've given us

Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness

Drive away and it's the same Everywhere death row, everyone's a victim Your joys are counterfeit This happiness corrupt political shit

Living life like a comatose Ego loaded and swallow, swallow, swallow

Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness Under neon loneliness motorcycle emptiness Under neon loneliness everlasting nothingness

~~Amanda~~

Re: Sitting back
Posted by deadflower on Sat Sep 22 08:07:13 2001 (#10495)

Manics! right on!!!!!!!!! eh, I never looked up to Richey .... he was a smart man, but an awful person to look up to, he's my sister's idol .... I hate it when people are like that, she carved 4REAL into her arm, not deep, but STILL!!!!!! That's not a good thing to do .... huh ..... I haet to sound ..... strange, but your parents care about you .... my parents care shit for me, they let me do as I please, when I dropped out, they just sat backed and didn't even care to watch .... parents expectations? wow .... sucks how you day(s?) have been though .... mine have been slightly depressing, me not getting out of bed, me not going to school, but I AM doing work! anyways ... good quotes ..... my manics quote has always been, "classified machine die misunderstood"

The only album of theirs I own is "Generation Terrorists" .....

life sucks

"emily hopeless"

new cutter...
Posted by chickern on Sat Sep 22 05:01:44 2001 (#10493)

yeah.. i don't know what to do. i've started self-injury, but it's not that bad. i mean i know it's bad... but when i cut myself it's not that deep, and i bruise my wrists too... but bruises aren't that bad, right? i want to tell someone, especially my best friends, because i feel like i'm keeping secrets from them. but what if i don't want to stop? i mean, it makes me feel better, so what's wrong with it? at the same time though i know it's wrong. i'm so confused, i don't know what to do.

Re: new cutter...
Posted by deadflower on Sat Sep 22 08:12:03 2001 (#10496)

welcome! well, that's not the right thing to say .... oh well, I think it would be better if you told your friends, it helped for me, I still cut and burn and do all that other shit, but they know about me and we have no secrets. They ask about it, give me support, but at the same time, they say, "I should kick your ass for doing that" .... that always makes me feel better, for some strange reason, kinda masochistic .... eh ... anyways, it would be better if they knew whil you are still knew, because otherwise, in 4yrs, you'll still be cutting and having secrets and it'll make you feel bad ..... that's what it did to me .... eh, your time will come, when you realize that they have to know, you know?

life sucks

"emily hopeless"

Re: new cutter...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Sep 23 03:27:52 2001 (#10501)

Hi, I'm Rhonda. I don't cut, but my daughter,Tara, does. If you want to tell some one, then find someone you will trust and who you think will truly care. If you have a special friend, think about them. Don't be upset if they get upset. People that don't cut usually don't really understand why you do it. There are lots of people here who understand exactlly(?) what you're going through. Talk to them. Most of them have email addresses and will be glad to answer questions. I can give you a point of view from several different angles. One of a parent, one who doesn't cut and one who wants to help anyway I can. If I can help you any at all, just write me. Please be careful with the bruising cause that breaks little blood vessels, and your wrist is a very sensitive area. Take care and write if you want to. Love, Rhonda

Re: new cutter...
Posted by *poison on Mon Sep 24 02:17:06 2001 (#10525)

please don't mind me saying this, i don't mean it to be rude but *OY! you have a lot to learn. an to be honest, it only gets more confusing from here.

Amanda

Re: new cutter...
Posted by Bina on Sun Sep 30 17:01:17 2001 (#10667)

Hi!I feel the same! I know cutting is bad but in the same time i think, it's not so bad, cause after a cut i'm happier and feel better.and sometimes i think it's better to stop cutting but then if i feel bad i cut and think, oh it's not so bad i thought. i don't know what to do, too. i think i don't want to stop cutting realy cause i don't have enough power and energy. bye Bina!

Re: new cutter...
Posted by Tara on Mon Oct 1 01:44:57 2001 (#10674)

i know what you are going through.i have been going through it for a little over 4 years now.yeah it may seem as if it makes you feel better but not that long.i started just like you.it was not very deep and i liked the way that it made me feel but all it was doing was placing my mind on another part of me that was hurting not emotionally but phyically.that is all it does.i would only cut once each time then it got to where i was cutting 2 or 3 times.i even took up burning myself.i would also do that after i cut.then after i had cut myself 5 times and burned 2 times i relized that i had reached my breaking point.i only wish that i could go back and figure it out sooner.now i have to live with about 85 to 90 scars on both my arms and legs forever.it upsets me because what am i going to tell my kids(when i have kids!!!!!!)when they ask what is on my arm.that is the main part that devitates me the most.that and(i going to bold for a minute)how people look at you totally different.when people at my school found out they treated me as a monster.and they also told me that i should go ahead and off myself so they would not have to look at my face each day.it is a true test to find out who your real friends are.most of all it took over my life.i am now working(even though i hate where i am at)i have friends again that i go and hang out with.i am getting the life back that self-mutilation took away from me.and it feels really good.and about telling your friends,i would be really careful who you tell if you don't want it to get out.pick the ones that always been there for you no matter what has happened,but do tell someone.you can't keep it all loked away.that is the worst thing to do.it will only cause pain.i have went on enough.gonna go.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS) P.S.if you need to talk to someone.i am here and yes i am rhonda's aka tara's mom,daughter.

Re: new cutter...
Posted by Violet on Sun Oct 7 08:19:44 2001 (#10771)

I have to agree with Tara. Self-Injury is a social no-no, to say the least. I think you should tell someone you trust, you need to be in therapy. But be careful who you tell. People often mistake self-mutilation for suicide attempts or masochism, but a lot of times its not about that at all. Its an addiction, It makes you feel good, or feel real. But if you bottle up your "dirty little secret" it will only get worse, and someone is bound to find out sooner or later. My suggestion is to at least keep a journal, where you can vent and shit. Try putiing rubber bands on your wrists and snapping them. Its not as good, but there is still that stinging feeling, and this is much more socially acceptable than cutting or other forms of self-injury. Its a dark addiction, and you need all the help you can get. Remember, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I am Scared
Posted by spyder on Sat Sep 22 06:44:09 2001 (#10494)

I don't understand. I saw those pictures and it makes me want to cry. Mine scars aren't that bad and it scars me will one day my arms and legs be that scared. I am fighting back tears right now love spyder

Re: I am Scared
Posted by deadflower on Sat Sep 22 08:15:07 2001 (#10497)

I've always though they were beautiful, seeing something partially natural, a scar .... scars are beautiful. .... I think mine are at least. ..... I have some pictures of scars on my site, of mine .... I've never found pictures "triggery" .... I don't know why ... I guess because I think they're beautiful, mine are fairly deep...

http://www.geocites.com /lets_bomb_the_moonlight/bombt hemoonlight.html

ok, I'm done, life sucks

"emily hopeless"

Re: I am Scared
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 23 10:16:23 2001 (#10509)

Damn, I'm getting my quotes mixed up.

Out of pain beauty does come. - Anonymous

Scars are wisdom in disguise. - Napolean Hill

I was thinking it was one quote about the beauty in scars. Ah well ... it's been one hell of a day and it's 3:30 in the morning, so cut me some slack. *grin*

My Site: Pictures of Pain/Essays of Insanity
Posted by UnendingMisery on Sun Sep 23 01:09:54 2001 (#10500)

A friend of mine just directed me to this site today. This is just wonderful. I'm going to be spending a LOT of time here for sure.

I think that many people here may be interested in seeing my site as well. It does contain pictures of my SI as well as original essays.

I'd like it if you'd all be sure and check it out. And if you really like it, tell someone about it.

Here's the URL: www.darkhosts.com/iammisery

Thanks. Take care everyone --Jason

Re: My Site: Pictures of Pain/Essays of Insanity
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Sep 23 03:32:45 2001 (#10503)

Hi Jason, Welcome to our home. You'll find a lot of very supportive friends here. I think I may be only one of a few that don't cut. My daughter does though so that is how I got interested in coming here. I just offer support and any advice the kids care to take. This is a very special place. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: My Site: Pictures of Pain/Essays of Insanity
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 23 10:11:38 2001 (#10508)

Haunting site ... tis all I can say. Sadly I'm still rotting in geocities. *laughs* I am envious.

Well wot can i say....WOW!!
Posted by Amanda on Sun Sep 23 13:36:16 2001 (#10513)

i visited your site jason and i thought it was incredable!! every word i read and every picture i saw, it all made me feel the pain you feel. it made me feel like i was the one feeling that pain. the pictures were so beautiful, especially the one with the candle, the blade, the gun and the tissue. it was an increddable piece of art. so moving and insightfull. words cannot descibe how i feel. i hope you stick around coz id like to get to know you and your pain as i feel some of it too. everyone here is helpfull and caring.

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: My Site: Pictures of Pain/Essays of Insanity
Posted by Alana on Sun Sep 23 19:08:53 2001 (#10517)

You have changed me completely.

Please email me sometime.

Re: My Site: Pictures of Pain/Essays of Insanity
Posted by UnendingMisery on Sun Sep 23 22:33:56 2001 (#10520)

Such a warm welcome! I'm always interested in how people will look at my site. It's usually a good reaction from people who cut. Sometimes highly critical. But this has been by far the friendliest crowd yet.

I love this board. There's lots of support from some very kind people here.

Take care everyone -- Jason www.darkhosts.com/iammisery

Re: My Site: Pictures of Pain/Essays of Insanity
Posted by Maggie on Mon Sep 24 10:21:57 2001 (#10531)

Dear Jason,

If those photos reflect how you feel inside, all i can say is that you are so very courageous. I'm amazed... one on hand i see them as beautiful pieces of artwork (with my macabre mind) but at the same time I am crying because I can understand how much pain you are going through. It's absolutely horrible that people feel so bad and helpless that they can do such things to themselves... I'm currently SI-free for 3 months but can still completely empathise.

Please stick around, I like you.

Maggie.

let me die please
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Sun Sep 23 03:32:15 2001 (#10502)

this boerdom is becoming too much i cannot talk a heck of a lot more i came home from work and my feet are telling me to give upit's getting to the stage where i can hardley fucking walk on them. i feel sick with myself. my body has aches all over it and seems to be telling me to put it to sleep. i'm gonna try not to cut myself tonight because i don't know how far i will go

"I have got to stop smiling it gives the wrong impression i love you all the same"

Re: let me die please
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 23 09:50:52 2001 (#10506)

I need to start posting more ...

Anyway, Bubble Boy, we all feel that way. In some odd, twisted way it's a good thing I gave up the blade and moved on to other ways. Otherwise I would have pressed down just a little deeper on my wrists. Like the 1.6 CM gash on my left breast isn’t bad enough, but still.

... sometimes this is a pointless battle we fight here.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm here for you 24/7 [literally, I don't sleep and I have no life, so I'm online all the bloody time]. Just drop me an email.

sorry if im not being supportive
Posted by deadflower on Sun Sep 23 12:33:25 2001 (#10511)

go right ahead, I don't have the power right now to be supportive, cut yourself ... I chose to drik tonight, there's 10 or so tyenols inside me too, i hope I never wake up, if I can go through the suffering just to fall asleep ... cut yourself, you'll feel better, that's not what it does for me, pain is a drug for me, it's addictive, it doesn't make me feel good, but there's always soemthing inside me that's satisfied. hope you bled lots, sorry if I'm morbid, or not supportive like that other ladies

"emily hopeless"

Re: let me die please
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Sep 23 18:25:18 2001 (#10516)

Hey Andy, Please hang on for awhile. I'm sorry it's such a bad time for you. Anything I can do to help? Write me. Love, Rhonda

hummm...dunno what to title this...
Posted by *me* on Sun Sep 23 07:36:32 2001 (#10505)

I don't know how to express everything to you all right now. So these are a few lines from songs (staind songs actually) that express pretty much everything.

I just need this to be alright I can't feel this another night I can't take this I come unglued I might breakdown in front of you

Can't see through this Too much pressure Drowning in this Too much pressure

Keep it all down, bottled inside, it breaks me To torment again and torture me like it used to

I want to flee from everything In front of me here

Cause I can't take anymore of this I want to come apart

Can't take anymore to do With this it hurts inside I know why I hide Cause I suffer I tried to keep it all inside Didn't leave me too much pride I forced it all down inside Forced myself To make me suffer

Theres no way to escape the demons I am forced to keep

To my mother, to my father It's your son or it's your daughter Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me? Should I turn this up for you? Cause I sit locked inside my head Remembering everything you've said This silence gets us nowhwere Gets us nowhere way too fast The silence is what kills me I need someone here to help me But you don't know how to listen And let me make my decisions Chorus All your insults and your curses Make me feel like I'm not a person And I feel like I am nothing But you made me So do something Cause I'm fucked up Because you are Need attention Attention you couldn't give

And I feel, all this pain Stuffed it down, it's back again

I feel like this won't go away No matter how hard I try to Squeeze my eyes shut so i can't see the pain

Try to make it through the daily pain That you feel Maybe tomorrow won't be so bad I know it Cause I once felt that way Nothing I could say Made it go away I lived through this I still feel this I just live for my tomorrow Make it go away Just make it go away

Re: hummm...dunno what to title this...
Posted by deadflower on Sun Sep 23 12:35:36 2001 (#10512)

I didn't read it all, but I read the first few and I got the point. right on, i dont' know what to say, I feel like shit right now, hope you feel better or whatever though

"emily hopeless"

Re: hummm...dunno what to title this...
Posted by KAT on Sun Sep 23 23:24:10 2001 (#10521)

take care sweetheart itll be ok

Re: hummm...dunno what to title this...
Posted by *poison on Mon Sep 24 22:40:44 2001 (#10550)

I LOVE STAIND. nothing more has to be said. aaron lewis is an EXCELLENT song writer, he manipulates the words in a way that everyone can relate and make them feel what he is feeling while also pulling out all the deamons that you hide in yourself. *sigh* i love aaron lewis. lol no...i suppose it is just a great respect for him.

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 23 10:09:58 2001 (#10507)

I really need to get off this Alice in Wonderland kick, but I can't help but wish I was Alice ... to lose myself in a world of nonsense. Oh wait, I do that every day ... my bad.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is just to rant. After seeing a new psychologist that I will >not< be going back to see again, I decided that I need more info on the new illness that I have been diagnosed with. My old psychologist [the one that upped and quit her job] suggested that I might suffer from this illness and persons in my family have also suggested it. Well, it's official now; I am a total fuck-up - I have been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder. Yeah, there's several of me living in me.

I'm 18 years old, wouldn't they have picked up on this a LONG time ago? Like my partial memory loss that I've been suffering from since I was young wasn't a sign. Or the fact that I don't always "act like me." Or how my handwriting changes. *sigh* The world really is blind.

So yeah, if any of you know of good websites or of books on the subject, I would really appreciate you telling me. Thank you bunches!

Peace & Love, Lindsey

(none)
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 23 19:15:41 2001 (#10518)

i am never alone, but yet i am always alone.

lonleyness runs through my body like tha blood that come out through my cuts, its in my veins everyday

Re: (none)
Posted by Jenny on Sun Sep 23 19:45:56 2001 (#10519)

ive sent you an email if you want to reply

Am i mad!!
Posted by Andrea on Sun Sep 23 23:41:48 2001 (#10522)

I have a tincy problem, i carnt stop cutting myself with razor blades, i go home and know ones there i get bored lonley and when i get upset i just sit there and cut my self, it doesnt hurt or anything, i fell better when i can sit there and watch all the blood dripping out my cuts, i do know this isnt normal but its how i deal with my problems, i have that any scars and i need to stop before i carnt deal with my problems properly. Does anyone have any sugestions Thanks Andrea

Re: Am i mad!!
Posted by Taira on Mon Sep 24 19:46:14 2001 (#10540)

Well, I dotn cut with razor blades, but I cut with safty pins and knifes and sissors. I tell you, I know that it makes you feel better, it makes me feel better, but its not the right way to go. Dont do that to yourself... Im not trying to be cliche, but if you think you need it, get help. If your jsut lonley, try to be social. I say this stuff but dont follow by it. I hope it works. Other then that, I can only say, dont go too deep. Be very careful... and dont be stupid.

Re: Am i mad!!
Posted by Taira on Mon Sep 24 19:46:23 2001 (#10541)

Re: Am i mad!!
Posted by Taira on Mon Sep 24 19:46:29 2001 (#10542)

riiight...i hate titles..just read it if you want
Posted by *me* on Mon Sep 24 00:16:40 2001 (#10524)

I am getting soo overwhelmed. I can't take the pain and the hurt and the pressure anymore. I don't know what to do. Right now the pros to offing myself are outweighing the cons..by a lot. Don't really want to die. But don't know how to make it stop.

Re: riiight...i hate titles..just read it if you w
Posted by Nuni on Mon Sep 24 04:28:29 2001 (#10526)

You already took one HUGE step. You told us. That can be difficult at times. Im glad you know you can come here and tellus that you are hurting that much. Please be okay. I dont believe that i have ever replied to your post. But you saying you would like to off yourself hits home. All day i have been wishing to sleep and sleep, until whatever is making my head ache stops. I know how you feel when you say you dont know how to make it stop. What is it you want to stop? WHere is the pressure coming from? I will do what I can to help. I will listen, I will be here. Write if you feel I can help.

Re: riiight...i hate titles..just read it if you w
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Sep 24 09:25:24 2001 (#10527)

Ditto.

Titles...who reads my stuff anyway
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 24 10:34:01 2001 (#10532)

I rarely say I'm sorry, I try to mean what I say and not apologize for it (hummmm reminds me of me teen years....attitude problem or wisdom?) Any way. Many of you are back in school and feeling stressed from all sides. I can't relate...I was a robot with no roots, many times on the way home from school I'd just keep walking (I do not reccommend this as a solution.... it only leads to rape and trouble)

It has taken a lot of years to figure out I was messed up inside just like you. I just handled it differently.

If you do not want to find yourself 49 and still in misery, start trusting someone and talk about what is really going on inside you and inside your families. It make be like stirring up a hornets nest, But it might fool you and you find out there is help out there. One very important thing I've learned is that if you go into a doctors or counselors office and talk about everything EXCEPT what your problems are the problems will never go away.

Cutting, drinking, doing drugs, having sex with people you don't care a lick for, wearing cool colored hair (actually I'm one adult wno sees colored spike hair cool, because I've came to the understanding that it is just HAIR)

Anyway all those things are not the problems, your feelings aren't even the problems. They are all sypmtoms of things that are wrong in our lives. (yes, I included myself in that statement)

When we expose the problem and work to resolve it, the symptoms kinda fall away in time. Love to you all Dawn email me if you wish

You'll be surprised.. A lot of people read this!
Posted by Nuni on Mon Sep 24 18:37:46 2001 (#10538)

HEy, You are so right Dawn. I mean I have been seeing the same shrink for a year and its true, unless you actually say what is on your mind (not easy to do!!) it helps. things seem to get so FUCKED up, but in the end you find that the person that is listening can guide you and show you that you can live through it. I use to have a habit of saying I will get over it. But it isnt that you get over things. IT is that you live through them (awful as it maybe) and you survive. STRONGER! Nuni

WHy ?Why? why? why? why? why? why?why?
Posted by linzee on Mon Sep 24 13:47:55 2001 (#10534)

everyones( friends and my cousin) telling me that i cant be a kindergarden teacher cuz i cut, that what i want to when i finish high school and collage, but im not ready to give up cutting, WHy WHy WHy do i have to be so fucked.

Re: WHy ?Why? why? why? why? why? why?why?
Posted by Drew on Mon Sep 24 17:39:31 2001 (#10537)

You're not fucked. Calm down a min. and think. Why should someone else dictate your life? Last time I checked non-of us in here are from communist Russia. What business is it of other people if you cut? True you could not be a kindergarten teach. If your cuts are visible, but who said you have to cut your arms and legs? Just cut (if you really must) your ribs/upper legs/or any place concealed. Plus don't forget fuck everyone! (Friends and cousin) becoming a teacher takes time and if you are looking I know, you know deep down too, that if you want help and want to stop you cab easily do it by the time you finish high school. Not to mention the extra time you'll have when becoming a teach. Hope that helps.

Thecutthatneverheals

Re: WHy ?Why? why? why? why? why? why?why?
Posted by emm on Mon Sep 24 22:15:45 2001 (#10546)

linzee darling. what do they really know? why cant you be a teacher and a bloody brilliant one at that. as drew said, just try not to cut in obvious places.other than that i think you'll be a star.a wonderfull teacher and a very kind and caring one at that. ignore people who tell you otherwise and listen to the one person that matters - YOU.

i'll be here if you need me. lost of love emma****

Re: WHy ?Why? why? why? why? why? why?why?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 25 01:39:27 2001 (#10555)

Don't listen to them. Who knows, by the time your ready to teach, you may have stopped cutting. It can happen!! You go right ahead with your plans and don't let anyone tell you different. You handle things differently and that makes people around you uncomfortable. As long as you feel okay and strong enough to handle it, go for it! Don't let anyone take away your dreams!! Love, Rhonda

your RIte!
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 25 20:57:42 2001 (#10573)

u guys are rite i shouldnt let anyone get in the way of my dreams if i want to live them i WILL!!!!!!!!!!!1

Just wonderin.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Sep 24 17:24:28 2001 (#10536)

I see lots of Tara's Mom now adays but it's been so long since I've seen a post by Tara. maybe I'm not looking hard enough, but I was wondering if she's ok?

Drew.

Re: Just wonderin.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 25 01:34:06 2001 (#10554)

Hi Drew, Tara is doing okay. She still has her bad days, but lately has been working a lot and going to GED classes. She just doesn't get to the computer a lot. Her therapist took her off one of her meds and she is doing good. He hopes to have her off all her meds by next year sometime. She hates taking pills every day, but knows she needs them right now. On Labor day, she got her first car. A convertible!!!!!!!! It's really pretty and Tara loves it. She has found some good friends that support her and keep her going when she does get down. Now you know. I'll tell her you asked about her and she'll probably make it a point to write to you. Take care of yourself Drew. Love, Rhonda

I cant take it...
Posted by Taira on Mon Sep 24 19:36:13 2001 (#10539)

My best freind is talking about killing herself... we both cut... but she cuts her viens... I dont know what to do. I cant only think of cutting... I cut the side of my arm... does anyone know what I should do?!

Re: I cant take it...
Posted by Dawm on Tue Sep 25 08:47:38 2001 (#10561)

Anytime you hear someone talking about commiting suicide you need to take it seriously.

Engage her in a conversations and sometime in it ask if she has a plan and the means to carry it out. If she does you need to notify someone who can help her.

In the United States there are crisis hot lines and suicide hot lines, call them and tell them she has a plan and the means to carry it out.

I use to work on a crisis hot line and know that is what is done.

As a cutter and someone who knew all the right things to do, I used the crisis hot line a lot and I am alive to prove that crisis hot lines work. But I confess there were times I wanted to cut and I want to commit suicide and didn't want anyone to stop me.....then I'd cut, or overdose-- or both and suddenly reality brought me out of the fog I was in and I called for help. Because I didn't want to be dead. I just wanted the misery to stop. And thank God there was help available.

I know that when it is a friend we struggle about what to do. A good friend would help her friend get the help she needs.

Thank you
Posted by Taira on Wed Sep 26 14:44:30 2001 (#10585)

I appreciate it... and I will try that...

i need help please reply
Posted by little baby nothin on Mon Sep 24 21:44:11 2001 (#10543)

this is off subject but i cant seem to get any answers from anybody about this? so i figured well theres a lotta ppl here i wanna hear ur views.... if a girl is bisexual, or so she thought, and she then has sex with a guy she is very attracted to, but doesnt enjoy it at all, does this mean shes probably a lesbian? shes very atracted to this guy, he is good in bed and stuff but she just realllllly doesnt enjoy sex with men. does this mean shes like...denying herself of her true sexuality or something or if not what do you think it could be? she just doesnt know why but sex was really not nice....it felt good like it should, but she didnt enjoy it at all, if that makes sense? plz reply, v.confoosed.... its not just tht she thinks shes a lesbian, shes not bothered she just wants to be able to KNOW. and what other reasons could there be for disliking it? she likes other sex stuff so she isnt frigid? xxx

Re: i need help please reply
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 25 01:27:57 2001 (#10553)

Boy, will this start something or what?!!!!! Here's my opinion, the girl needs to really take a good, hard, long look at herself. Just because she doesn't enjoy sex with men doesn't mean that she is lesbian.(My dad would die to hear me say that) Does she enjoy it more with other women? Those are all questions she needs to ask herself. Could be the guys she has been with have not paid any attention to her needs, just their own. If that happens, how can any woman feel special. It like a wham-bam-thank-you-maam type thing. This is just how I feel and I don't mean to stir things up. Nothing bad has ever happened to me sexually, so I don't have any experience with that. And even if she turns out to be a lesbian, it is not for anyone on earth to judge. Anyway, that's my thoughts. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: i need help please reply
Posted by little man arbitrary on Tue Sep 25 02:34:48 2001 (#10558)

I have no authority on this in the slightest, but I'l have a go just to give a couple of ideas if that's what you want.

not understood here as to where the specific experience with this one guy relates to the others though

If they are sexually attracted to men & desire them sexually I wouldn't have thought them as lesbian - more likely bisexual - a lesbian or bisexual would really be of help if there is one that would reply for you

if there is any previous trauma with men that would have a big influence, if not - maybe psychologically the men she's been with haven't been able to give her emotionally what she's needed - e.g. - she may want sex with men, but she also craves love & she's not getting the love, just the sex, so physically it still feels fine, but it's not fullfilling her more permanent needs & as a result feels confused afterwards - possibly used/empty.

what experience has she had with females?

think her saying it felt good like it should but really wasn't nice is the crux of it. Can you expound as to why it wasn't nice & has it been nice with females - or have they not been with a the same sex?

keep her asking questions - only way to find answers!!

love xx

Re: i need help please reply
Posted by Little baby nothing on Tue Sep 25 23:34:01 2001 (#10574)

thanks for replies. not been with females yet. it didnt feel good because she just i dont know....its not that dont wanna be there, its that she just isnt enjoying it? i dont think its the love thing... i dont know.

every1 nd any1
Posted by sum1 on Mon Sep 24 21:50:13 2001 (#10544)

who hates the way they look and what do they do about it?

Re: every1 nd any1
Posted by emm on Mon Sep 24 22:03:01 2001 (#10545)

yes i do. but i just dont care anymore. starving and purging doesnt work in the long run, it just makes things worse. i just think to myself that there are others worse of than me. if that isnt sufficiant im afraid i resort to the blade. but thats just me. dont know what else to say other than take care and dont do anything you'll regret later. emma****

why do i always end up alone
Posted by emm on Mon Sep 24 22:22:21 2001 (#10547)

todays been the worst day ever. i had a huge fight with a girl who i previously had thought was my friend. shes been bitching behind me back for i dont know how long. the whole shool is starting to pick up on the fact that i not quite right and everyones asking me "are you ok" "whats the matter" and i always answer"yes im fine" (yeah right) im dying on the inside. im back to cutting bad again. not needing scars but enough to cover every inch of skin from head to toe in one night. its not fair. why cant things just go right for once. again, ive ended up with no friends to call my own and a huge problem. .............................. .............. ......... i cant talk anymore......i need to cut some more..... bye emma****

the pressure just keeps piling on
Posted by *me* on Mon Sep 24 22:24:35 2001 (#10548)

I can't take it I can't take it I CAN'T TAKE IT. Ok, I like NEVER swear, so excuse me here, I'm sorry but FUCK EVERYTHING!! GOD HELP ME!!! I JUST WANT THE FUCKING PRESSURE TO STOP AND FOR MY FUCKING "friend" to stop acting like a BITCH!!!!! SHE IS PISSING ME OFF AND IT'S NOT SOMETHING I NEED RIGHT NOW! AND MY FUCKING TEACHER gave us a FUCKING "QUIZ" that was worth 50 POINTS on 5 FUCKING PAGES OF FRENCH VOCABULARY TO LEARN OVER THE WEEKEND, and it is my FUCKING last class of the day and how the HELL are you supposed to remember 5 FUCKING pages of vocabulary from over the weekend, and 50 points is a hell of a lotta points and I can't just CRAM FUCKING words into my head overnight!!!!! And I can't get anything lower than a FUCKING A+ in any of my FUCKING CLASSES bc then everyone acts like I have FAILED THE FUCKING CLASS IF I GET AN A AND NOT AN A+!!! WHY AM I DIFFERENT THAN OTHER PPL THAT I HAVE TO BE HELD TO DIFFERENT FUCKING STANDARDS!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING is messed up and that is only part of it. GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! What can I do??? I want to FUCKING DIE! WHY do I feel this way???? I've been at some pretty low points in my life, but the last time I wanted to DIE was 2 years ago!! And this is worse than that!! I really really can't take this. All I feel is pain and hurt and pressure and LONLINESS!!!! I have some truly wonderful friends, but NONE of them know ME BC I CAN'T SHOW THEM!!!!!!!!! The real ME is someone who hates her fucking self and wants to DIE!!!! And everything is all screwed up in my life. Plz I don't know what to do all I want to do is make it stop but I don't want to die but I NEED to make it stop plz help me. I am sorry for my use of language in this post but I feel pretty crappy and again, bc I am expected to be PERFECT I can't really say ne of this ne where else but plz I really don't know what to do.

Re: the pressure just keeps piling on
Posted by Nuni on Mon Sep 24 22:55:19 2001 (#10551)

First, Who is placing this pressure on you? Parents, friends? I dont think anyone is perfect. Say this to yourself. Nobody really here knows what normal is but I want you to know that what you are going through is something that happens to a lot of students. SOOOOOOOO, did you study? You probably did and you will do fine. It is great to get an even B... GOD forbid. Please take it easyon yourself before you burst. The real you hates herself, so what you do is you tell us. We can then tell you how great you are, how you will pull through this. You are important to us, and nobody here is grading you. I dont know what else to say. Just take care, and I a m curious on what your score was. Im sure you did fine. It doesnt matter what letter in the alaphabet you score, as long as you know you did your best. Nuni

Peace
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 25 09:17:49 2001 (#10562)

Honey, I learned a lesson when I was about 13. It was to take the thing-a-ma-jig off the pressure cooker and never try to pry it off or it will explode.

You are about to explode. When our minds get overloaded with stress it rejects new information. You do not need to get an A+, that is someone else's sites for you. All you really have to be or do is to do and be the best you can on any given day.

After you read this, close your eyes and quite your mind, put away all the things you have to do, put away all the things you are feeling emotionally, and take three deep breaths, make sure your feet are on the floor and your hands are loose and comfortable, imagine yourself at the most beautify peaceful place you have ever been, stay there for a while and rest.(funny it works for me as I'm typing and with my eyes open)

I have two places in mind. One is a lush meadow on a mountain, my friend and I set up my 4 person pup tent near the trees, across the meadow is a stream, at the stream there is a boulder, we take our shoes off and dangle our feet in the cold clear water, the only sound around is the babbling of the stream as it makes its way across the valley. All around us is quite and beautiful. The sky is blue and clear, there are no birds, no squirels, just us and the beating of our hearts as it finds rest from the turmoil of our lives. I wish you peace.

get a life
Posted by linzee on Mon Sep 24 22:33:15 2001 (#10549)

if i was 8 years old again my life would be perfect, but thats never going to happen so i should snap outa it and get a life

Re: get a life
Posted by Nuni on Mon Sep 24 22:58:11 2001 (#10552)

That sounds familiar. Except I wish I was 6. You are right it cant happen. But whatever is hurting you or has hurt you in the past wont go away until you talk about it and find a way to resolve it. Take care.

Re: get a life
Posted by ~*KATE*~ on Tue Sep 25 06:09:42 2001 (#10559)

you know what, though? even if you were little again, the problems of being little would get you. it's a sucky cycle, but it's true. I have come to the realization that you should live for tomorrow, not yesterday...that's the best advice I can give! I hope you're alright! ~*KATE*~

Day late, dollar short
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 28 14:59:46 2001 (#10634)

When I was journaling I took that phrase "Get a life" and ran with in and wind up with several pages writings about letting go and getting on with the daily grind of living.

For me there is only so much back into life to get. I'm afraid.... afraid to be sane and vulnerable again.

just checking in.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Tue Sep 25 02:22:09 2001 (#10556)

hey guys,

i am doing ok.work is rough.my boss will put me down for 4 days to work and then give me off one day then i have to go right back to work.its hard to do.i am trying to find a new job.my boss likes to ride my ass for no reason.well don't have much else to say.gonna go.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: just checking in.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by jen on Tue Sep 25 02:28:47 2001 (#10557)

hi tara i was just wondering wha you do for work? i hope things are going good for ya. luv jen

to jen!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Fri Sep 28 17:20:44 2001 (#10637)

hey jen,

i work at thomas nuring center in oklahoma.my boss was nice at first then she kept jumping my ass one day.i was making beds and she would go behind me and tear them up.so i had to make them over.she also said that i was having my mom call in for me which is not true.i call in for myself.but i have only called in mabye two times that i can recall.i have been there for almost 3 months now.i was also supposed to get a $250 sign on bouns and i still have not got that.i was suppost to get that after a moth or so after working there.they also have this deal where if you work 12 hours you get $15 and if you work 16 to 18 hours you get $30.i have not got that for almost a month and a half ago.i really need that money to.i have to pay car insurence now and my cell phone bill,also i pay the phone bill at home to help my mom out.then i have the gas and up keep on my car.i guess my boss is not smart enough to figure that out.well i have went on to long.i will write the next time i get a chance.i have to work today and the next two after that.if you do want to talk though you can e-mail me.i love getting e-mails from people.i love talking to.well gonna go now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS) P.S.you can call me sis if you feel comftorble doing so.i feel like you guys are family anyway.PEACE OUT AND TAKE CARE

Finding The Strength To Go On
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 25 11:13:44 2001 (#10563)

There is a lot of turmoil in the world now. There was turmoil in the lives of almost everyone who reads or posts on this board as well as the suicide board. The country is finding it hard to find the strength to go on, we on these boards have been struggling for a long time to find the strength to go on, but by the fact that we are still here is a sucess story for each of us.

Do you get that. We are still here, to be overwhelmed at times, and on top of the world at other times, and a million places in between and yet WE ARE STILL ALIVE...STILL FACING THE CRAP WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH...and still choosing to live another day.

Give yourself a pat on the back, shout I'm still here till your insides here it. And remember that as the people in NYC are already planning what they are going to do with the rubble that twice was the trade center complex, and as President Bush is planning how to combat terrorism, we need to be thinking of how to rebuild our spirits. They're broken and bleeding. You can read it in almost every post. We are a war with ourselves and have been for sometime.

For me its been since I was born. I have letters from my late father's sister, who died a few months ago who told me how my mother basically turned me over to my older sisters to take care of me. Now I understand why I have been molded into the person I am today, but I'm not the same as I was a year ago, or the year before that.

No, I have been doing what the people of MYC have been doing for almost 20 years, when I had had enough of living my life trying to please other people who didn't give a damn about me anyway.

I'm not perfect. My work of redesigning myself is not over. Some days I'm weak, some days I wig out, and some days I am so strong I have to take a step back and say "Wow, I didn't know I handled that, or said that, or knew that."

It is funny I know so many things I didn't know I knew. I guess just being alive and being able to hear, and read, and to have many experiences behind me has made me smarted than I ever believed possible. I guess I believed what my mother told me, "Dawn you are stupid, You don't have brains God gave a goose. You'll never amount to nothing"

Well that was a lie, and I wish she was alive so I can tell her. But you know, one day I was at my home with my kids and my mother called and asked me to pray for her. I told her she could pray for herself and she said, "But you have more faith than I have." Do you know those few words healed a lot of hurts.

When we are young our brains get imprinted by what others say to us and do to us and it all gets stored up inside us and over time our spirits, our souls weep, and we can't seem to find a way out of our misery. Many of us cut to stop the pain, but you know it only prolongs it. We need to look at our lives and see what we can do to bring back peace in our inner minds. It is when we decide to do that that strength grows and we are able to witshand trials that come our way.

I hope that made sense. I was going to go to bed and just felt led to share. For the sake of the agnostics on the board I left references to Jesus out. But I want you all to know that Jesus is my strength and my strong tower. The twin towers my crumble but my strong tower will never crumble

Re: Finding The Strength To Go On
Posted by Nuni on Tue Sep 25 19:44:07 2001 (#10570)

Dawn, Thanks for that. About a month ago I started my relationship with GOD. I am nowhere near him yet. But I am building my faith and with help and guidance of friends, family, my SHRINK and GOD. I am on my road to MENTAL HEALTH. I still look at cutting as an option but have not given in to that in a while. Dawn, you rock! Nuni

sept 25th
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 25 14:04:10 2001 (#10565)

september 25th 2001, wet,rainy and miserable and cold. the whether goes with my mood
:XoXo< linzee

Re: sept 25th
Posted by Nuni on Tue Sep 25 19:48:11 2001 (#10571)

Awwww, you need hot cocoa, and a warm blanket. A friend to tell you corny jokes. Because of friends we laugh whether they are funny or not. Alone you are not. I will sit with you and offer warmth. I hate rainy days too. But I am lucky I live in Southern California. Still I will be with you if you need me to. I wont tell you to cheer up, because perhaps feeling down is what you need. I am not sure what kind of SI you do, but I hope that your sadness doesnt bring you to that. Because I care. I do!! I know how you feel. It sucks, but come here to distrct yourself from SI. You wont be alone. We love you here!!! Nuni

sept 25th
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 25 14:04:23 2001 (#10566)

september 25th 2001, wet,rainy and miserable and cold. the weather goes with my mood
:XoXo< linzee

funeral
Posted by jes on Tue Sep 25 14:22:57 2001 (#10568)

K, so i went to my great-uncle's funeral yesterday. I've never been to one b4 so it was a bit f a shock when i had to sit on the front row, with his coffin no more than two meters away from me. It was so close that when my grandad stood up from his seat (nxt to mine, nxt to the coffin), because it was on the side he has a cataract on, he nearly knocked it over. I just keep getting the image of it, so close to me, and now i'm crying again. i can't stop crying. And also i cut again, not deep, not a lot, but it was cutting. I even did it on my leg. ive never done that b4, on one calf, and the other ankle. i dont know why im saying this. i just need to get it out. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. bbbbllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhh.sry love jes xxx

Re: funeral
Posted by Nuni on Tue Sep 25 18:12:39 2001 (#10569)

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing better since your post. It is completely natural for you to react as such. I am thinking like a lot of us we never learned how to deal with such strong emotions. Especially those such as grieving. I hope you are better. I love giving hugs, so here goes ((((JES)))).. take care, and feel free to contact me via email. Love, Nuni

Re: funeral
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 25 20:56:05 2001 (#10572)

dont be sorry its ok, im sorry for ur lose to! my grampa has cancer so i think im mite be feeling the same way soon, but u'll live, i'll live we'll all live:) keep ur head up

Re: funeral
Posted by Maggie on Wed Sep 26 08:07:02 2001 (#10580)

It's natural for you to feel like that. I've been to SOOOO many funerals and they never get nicer, but in time you start to feel better. Big hugs to you. (((((Jes)))))

Maggie.

Re: funeral
Posted by *star* on Wed Sep 26 15:39:05 2001 (#10586)

Im crying, for fucks sake when will this end, you said it wasnt bad, you said it was ok, and i know your starving yourself please please please stop it, i dont know what to do, how can i help you if you wont accept theres a problem, im sorry if this sounds harsh but nicey nicey doesnt seem to get through WHAT CAN I FUCKING DO. (please excuse my language im upset) i just want to help, i dont want you to die do you realise how close to that you are?? *

Re: funeral
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 26 16:19:33 2001 (#10589)

i'm not starving myself. i eat enough. plenty. im not 'skeletal' far from, im like i always was.

Re: funeral
Posted by star on Sat Sep 29 10:58:42 2001 (#10656)

thats such a lot of crap. im sorry but it is. (*)

question
Posted by sara on Wed Sep 26 00:44:18 2001 (#10575)

ok...how can i get rid of scars. i'm not proud of them. they are a part of me that i need to put behind me and some of them...well some of them imply how they got there and that can be no good. i'm just ready to move on. ok this was mostly ramble...but anyway...have a lovely day.

sara

Re: question
Posted by *poison on Wed Sep 26 04:29:31 2001 (#10579)

I have heard cocoa butter and vitamin E works real well Amanda

Re: question
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 27 01:52:35 2001 (#10600)

Hey Sara, There are a couple of things on the market that might help. Go to the pharmacy and look in the area for antiboitics and stuff. There are 2 things that might help. One is by Curad, I think it is a bandage that you put on over the scars and the other is a cream. It starts with a "M". It is also for scars. It says it will take up to 8 weeks for them to start fading. Vitamin E will also help some. Tara used that and it help fade some of her scars. I hope that helps you some. I'll try and get the exact names of the two products I mentioned. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Its so hard
Posted by lunachick on Wed Sep 26 01:59:32 2001 (#10576)

Im having a hard time with self mutilation. I keep trying to quit and I just cant do it. I have no one that I can actually talk to about this.I cut with razor blades and broken glass. I usually cut on my wrists and legs. I wish I knew how to quit =(

Re: Its so hard
Posted by Nuni on Wed Sep 26 03:50:05 2001 (#10577)

UMMMM.. that is the million dollar question. Its not learning how to quit that matters. It is figuring out why you do it, when? And why It is you choose to deal with your problems by SI... Write me, we can discuss this further!

Re: Its so hard
Posted by deadflower on Wed Sep 26 13:49:15 2001 (#10583)

I ... honestly dont' know what you mean, I think i'm not a nice person on this board because everyone wants to quit this stuff, while I don't feel pain through it and whiel I'm doing it. I love hurting myself. I'm morbid.

but, yea, I don't know what to tell you. Good for you if you wanna quit :)

just, like, do it moderatly, then less and less then not at all, let it fade. I don't think anyone ever said that you had quit right this second, right?

"emily hopeless"

Re: Its so hard
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 27 01:57:10 2001 (#10601)

You have to take a good look at yourself and figure out why you cut. That is what may eventally help you to stop. You may need the help of doctors and therapists and medication before you can stop. Just stay calm and try to figure things out. If you do cut, please keep the cuts clean. Also keep writing here. You'll get lots of help as we all care about you. Write me if you want to. Take care. Love, Rhonda

For Nuni.
Posted by Maggie on Wed Sep 26 08:10:57 2001 (#10581)

I've noticed you're posting here a lot recently. So I thought I'd send you a great big HUGA.

Luv Maggie.

Re: For MAGGIE
Posted by Nuni on Wed Sep 26 16:10:17 2001 (#10588)

Hi (((((((Maggie)))))))), I am so excited about you coming!!!! Yeah I have been posting.. I am missing that sense of connection even though my SI has subsided. I am glad your computer feels better. I think I will give you a call tonight. ILUVU!!!! nuni

Re: For Nuni
Posted by Maggie on Thu Sep 27 09:08:55 2001 (#10611)

Buenes Tardes! I feel dead because I stayed up till 5am this morning studying for a genetic engineering test, and my brain went dead during the test and I didn't do as well as I could have. Oops... I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT MY TRIP!!! Last night I started my plan to learn 15 Spanish words a day. I even learned where the emphasis is supposed to go on each word, but you're gonna have to correct my pronounciation (por favor) :)

Ok, hugs are on their way now. Luv Maggie.

Re: For Maggie
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 27 20:37:51 2001 (#10621)

Oh My Maggie, I love you so much!! I am so excited too!! QUE EMOCION... I will be happy to help with pronunciaton! I will try to send you a little note. I am so proud of you ..smarty pants!! I am sure you did great on your exam.. THanks for the hugs.. ((((MAGGIE)))) Nuni

broken
Posted by deadflower on Wed Sep 26 13:43:23 2001 (#10582)

I .... yea, thank you to those who responded to my other posts. I was really really REALLY lonely. Sadly, I don't feel like it helped. I talked to this other school counsellor, because this whole depression bit was starting ot effect my work. He said that they way I thought was "neat" ... and I was talking ot him about how I thought my scars, and cutting and burning in general, was beautiful, IS beautiful. I told him that I thought they were beautiful because they were mine, not somthing artificial like tattoos or peircing. I know that those things would be the more right way of showing people where you've been, but my way is real. It's kind of like a journal on my skin in a way, a way of expression that you can't express through writing.

My counsellor still hasn't phoned me back, and I doubt she will.

I cut the word "useless" in to my arm last night. I told my sister, were both pretty morbid, so she said that it was pretty cool. I think I'm starting to feel more accepted in away that a few people, do have problems with me being a self injuerer, but are more accepting of it. It really makes me feel better about who I am.

I think it seems pretty low though because it's a lifestyle now, to me. It's becoming like, it's something I'll never quit. though I have to, someday, I'm afrid for myself thought because of this.

"life's unfair, kill yourself or get over it"

"emily hopeless"

Re: broken
Posted by Nuni on Wed Sep 26 23:02:13 2001 (#10596)

Has your therapist ever mentioned that cutting words takes on a whole different menaing? I use to cut words like HATE, LOST, LOSER... I am pretty lucky because I have been seeing my shrink for a long time, and I have been able to learn to trust an say everything that is BUGGING me or hrting me. The word that you cut means a lot. All of it is important.. life is unfair, but you dont have to get over it... you can live through it and try to get figure it out. It isnt easy, but you are a survivor. We all are. I read somewhere that because we cope by cutting it is what is keeping is alive. I believe it, I am 28 years old and I have been cutting off and on since I was 14. It becomes a part of your life.. it is cutting is a way of life. It used to be for me.. I have stopped for a while... its weird. Ok.. now I am just babbling ;)

it will soon fall...
Posted by Linzee on Wed Sep 26 13:55:45 2001 (#10584)

"how are u today linds" " oh im good *smiles at them*" lies lies lies no im not good im never good do i look good? fuck yes im walking talking breathing on the out side, but on the inside im dying im a flower that is wilted and dying ive gone black all over and my petles are falling off one by one the last one is still holding but not by much and when it falls there will be a big sound and then the ppl will see how much pain i was really in, but its 2 late to save me now my last petle has fallen

Jes
Posted by *star* on Wed Sep 26 15:59:34 2001 (#10587)

Hi, well i thought i would write as i didnt know how to say this and also we never talk anymore, i know your ill ands i can see it when i mention it on txts you ignore it but i know you are it is in your eyes, i know u havent been eating properly you NEVER eat at my house, even when i offer you vegi stuff and i can see its a long downward spiral mostpeople cant get out of and i dont want that to happen also the cutting i know youll think im sneaking about on you maybe i am i checked your posts to see if there wqere any for me at all and i saw youve been cutting even more, i thought you said it was better?? that doesnt seem it to meim not trying to be horrible just saying. well...what else can i say. God bless and dont you fucking leave me Amz xx

Re: Jes
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 26 16:28:58 2001 (#10590)

i dont eat a lot, i know that, but i never did. sometimes im just not hungry. i eat at wierd times or maybe i already had something, i dunno, but I DO EAT. If it was gonna kill me I'd be dead by now. The cutting, yes, tis still there, but it's not nearly as much as it used to be and not half as deep either. i love you so much and i hate it when i hurt you, but i don't know what i can do about this one. love jo xx

Re: Jes
Posted by *star* on Wed Sep 26 16:48:50 2001 (#10591)

what you can do is stop, stop it all for me i need you to while your still doing it i ant rest i cant sleep i cant do anything, all i see when i close my eyes is your arms and that is all i see, you always seemed to eat a lot more than you do now it ever since the vegi thind came outta nowhere, and i think you need help with it. *

Re: Jes
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 27 02:05:18 2001 (#10602)

Hey jes, Sorry to butt in and sorry if I get nosy. Are you taking any meds that might stop you from getting hungry? Tara was taking "Topamax" for flashbacks and finally her therapist took her off of it cause it was killing her hunger. Now she has gained back 8 pounds!! You might look at that if it applies. JUst a thought. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Jes
Posted by star on Thu Sep 27 14:17:39 2001 (#10612)

Look that might have sounded harsh yesterday but i was really upset and i still am i dont know what to do, but i really dont understand why you are doing this to yourself and i KNOW you need help with it, you obv wont talk to me about it but please get help thorneywood i know you hate the place but it will help thats all i can think i dont know what else to say to you, you need proffesional help anf the longer you prolong without it i cant help thinking your getting closer to death i dont know why you want to die why dont you want to live your life? if you died it would destroy me as you are doing to your self, i love you, might not seem like i do to you most of the time but i only do this cause i care to much not to do it if i wasnt bothered i would just leave it and not mention it again but as it is i cant do that.....i just cant.

I dont know how this is going to all work out to tell you the truth as i cant see how i can do anything if you wont accept that a. you have a problem and b. accept some help, and you might not have eatenb loads before (although ive NEVER noticed anything like that even when we lived together) but it is so much worse now i can see that and i hardly see you. just think about it prayers and kisses Amz x

jes please read a new one
Posted by star on Thu Sep 27 14:19:56 2001 (#10613)

Re: jes please read a new one
Posted by jes on Thu Sep 27 15:14:14 2001 (#10615)

ur right, i do hate tha place, it smells wierd and it's scary and i'm not insane. I'm confused, i don't knw who to believe, you, my head or my heart. love jes xx

Re: jes please read a new one
Posted by star on Sat Sep 29 10:40:07 2001 (#10652)

I didnt say you were insane you keep saying that?? i never said your were i just said i think you need some help.*

Rhonda-
Posted by jes on Thu Sep 27 15:10:40 2001 (#10614)

no, i'm not on any meds, but thanks for the thought. love jes xx

for those who're interested in my weight
Posted by jes on Thu Sep 27 15:18:48 2001 (#10616)

1 STONE. OK? that's all, maybe a couple of the lil marks on the scales more(what ARE they???), but thats it.

JES PLEASE READ: sad but true
Posted by *star* on Sat Sep 29 10:36:13 2001 (#10651)

Yeah right. im sorry i dont believe you on that at all you looked healthy before now it scares me to look, havent you seen how i turn away when i look as i cant, you do look skeletal, i think your going to die and i cant watch that, thorneywood didnt seem that scary to me im sure they only want to help last time you only went once so i dont see how that can make you see how it is , it twas a long time ago that you last went, you say you dont know who to believe (so im not saying the same as your head or your heart intresting..hearts dont usually lie and im only saying what i see and feeel nothing more, maybe i should leave it and fuck off for a while let you get on with it if you dont want my help and if there isnt a problem.... *

Re: JES PLEASE READ: sad but true
Posted by jes on Sat Sep 29 14:00:52 2001 (#10658)

believe what you want, i've lost no more than 1 1/2 stone. thats it. i'll get on some scales for u if u want. The head and the heart thing. no, ur not, well, not all of the time anyway, sometimes there's a part of me tha says, 'she's right, get help'. but most of the time there's me saying, 'no, dont think so'. head, says, 'there's nothing wrong, this is a perfectly fine state to be in, there is NO problem' and my heart says, ' no, there is a problem, but theres nothing that can be done about it' because i can't change myself, i can't change who i am, and i can't change the way i see these things in me, so whats the point in wasting people's time on something not worth it?? so there you have it, the reason i confuse you is because i don't make sense, and some of the time im not even sure if it is me thinking these things or not. i don't know, so you can get angry with me for not getting help or for being inconsistent with what i think or for seeming like i don't care about you and emm, but when it comes down to it, even tho' i know that one of these days you are just gonna fuck off because you'd probably be justified in doing that, there's nothing i can do about it and i hate that, i really hate that and i hate me for doing this to you and for not being able to stop it.

Re: JES PLEASE READ: sad but true
Posted by star on Mon Oct 1 22:30:25 2001 (#10682)

just by you saying *state to be in* i know that was all crap made up for me you need help jo you must get some before its too late, were over till you sort yourself out i cant handle this anymore its too scary, im getting ill through the stress ive got a doctors appoingment tommorow for my rash/head/tummy etc etc i feel like crap and look that way too and CANT have all this stress im sorry if ive let you down but as you said you expected it anyway i dont suppose its that much of a shock. I love you but i cant do this Always and forever yours Amz xx *let the pain just go away*

Re: JES PLEASE READ: sad but true
Posted by jes on Tue Oct 2 14:08:07 2001 (#10701)

ur right 'let the pain just go away'

Re: for those who're interested in my weight
Posted by star on Sat Sep 29 11:01:21 2001 (#10657)

was the title meant to be a dig at me?? i wasnt sure. (*) ps when you lie about the weight loss your only lying to you i KNOW u lost more than that otherwise them scales need fixing.

Re: for those who're interested in my weight
Posted by jes on Sat Sep 29 14:15:04 2001 (#10659)

k, so i just wrote a big long response and got disconnected. this is how it basically went. No it wasnt a dig at you or n e one else, i don't understand why ppl always think that im having a go or that im angry. i can't remember the last time i was angry at you or anyone else (part from my dad but he doesnt count). the only person i really get angry with is myself and the only person i want to have a go at it myself. so thats it, maybe i should be the one to fuck off, i think it'd be better for every one in the long run, i upset too many ppl.

!
Posted by *me* on Wed Sep 26 22:02:08 2001 (#10593)

Hmm yes so this post is really nothing different from my others. Just need to vent. Don't know where else to go. Everything is messed up and awful and I can't take any of this any more and I just want to make it all stop and the only two things I can come up with are running away and dying and I don't want to do either but I need to make it stop and I hate this and I am consumed by this and it needs to go away. I don't know what to do plz if you know something I can do help me plz.

Re: !
Posted by amanda on Wed Sep 26 22:16:04 2001 (#10595)

i dont know if it will work for you but sometimes things like drawing and writing help me. its a productive way of getting all your emotions out. and you b=never know you could become a famouse artist or writing at the same time!! Hope it helps. Love and Hope Amanda

y cant i just sort it out????
Posted by Amanda on Wed Sep 26 22:13:18 2001 (#10594)

the thing that is annoying me the most is the fact that i just cant sort my head out. the only thing that i know for sure is that im not happy. im not happy when im cutting but im not happy when im not!!! that dont make sense to me. surly i hsould b happy with one or the other? but im not. i want to cut but i want to stop.i want to see the blood making a path down my arm but i want to stop hurting myself and the people around me. i think i have sorted myself oout the *BOOM* it all goes to pieces. and since i moved its been really hard as i cant really talk to any of my friends here like i can talk to my old mates. i used to be able to go and see then=m and talk to them about it for hours. especially sam. she has made so much effort to understand what im going through. i can talk to her and know that she wont think im a freak or a sicko. but the people down here....well i dont exactly want to tell them coz i could loose so many friends. and i cant talk to my mum. i wish she would make an effort like sam has. but she hasnt she has never come up to me and siad "if you ever want to talk about it ill be here for you" all she has ever said was "i dont understand why you do it". surle if she doesnt understand she could try and make an effort to.

i wish we had never moved, i wish i had never started to cut myself, i wish i had never been born. then i wouldnt be hurting like i am right now. what did i ever do to anyone to meani have to suffer this much. and i cant understand why im so unhappy. its not like i have any major problems, URGH!!! im so pathetic!! why cant i just be happy. there are so many people worse off than me and they dont do what i do. why the hell do i do it??????????????????? i havent got a clue any more.

i just dont see the fucking point....i dont see the point in being me any more. everyone wants me to be a good little girl who does all her school work and never does anything wrong. well sod them all im gonna do wot i want.

ok well i just realized that im ranting so ill stop.

Love and Hope to you all Amanda

Re: y cant i just sort it out????
Posted by Nuni on Wed Sep 26 23:09:06 2001 (#10597)

Hi Amanda, Sometimes it doesnt matter why you are hurting.. it matters how you handle it. I can relate when you say that cutting helps because you are unhappy when you do it, but yet you are unhappy if you do. All of these are completely natural.. It is the way you handle things. I am not going to tell you to not cut. To everything there is a point maybe you are not equipped with the "tools " to learn how to handle things. Do you see a counselor by any chance.. a DR, if not do you have intentions to? If so.. try to find out if he/she has experience with SI.. that helps. Let us know how you are doing. Take care. Nuni

Nuni
Posted by Amamda on Thu Sep 27 16:09:04 2001 (#10618)

i have never wanted to see a counseler as i went a while ago with my mum and the experience was so awful i dont think i could face it again. anyways thanks 4 ur support, it means a lot to me to know that the people here care about me. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Nuni
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 27 20:34:07 2001 (#10620)

Amanda, I use to post here a long time ago. I remember feeling so alienated. I am sorry that you had such a bad experience with your councelor. But I am sure many can atest that not all counselors are bad. This board definitley helped me, and even though a lot of the others have moved on. I actually made dear friends because we stood by eachother during those DARK moments when everything seems LOUD, CHAOTIC, and OUT OF CONTROL. Please be well, and feel free to e-mail of you like. Nuni

Birthdays
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 27 02:58:11 2001 (#10603)

Anybody want to share their birthday with me and how old you'll be? Reason, I love sending cards and letting people know I'm thinking about them. Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: Birthdays
Posted by *poison on Thu Sep 27 04:17:37 2001 (#10605)

my b-day is April 18th 1986. that means that i'm 15 going on 16....when is ur birthday rhonda?? we should all make a list and send cards out on holidays and birthdays, just as sort of a reminder that we are thinking about them.

~Amanda~

Re: Birthdays
Posted by Sharon on Thu Sep 27 21:46:41 2001 (#10622)

February 22, 1987, I'll be 15, guess this makes me the baby, huh? LOL

hugs,

Sharon

Re: Birthdays
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 28 02:30:21 2001 (#10626)

My birthday is June 10th and the next time I'll be 42!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! Oh God, I'm getting old!(HA!HA!) That's a good idea about everyone sending each other cards. I love getting cards. Think about it everyone. Ya'll take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Birthdays
Posted by erica on Thu Sep 27 05:45:48 2001 (#10608)

Hi Rhonda! My birthday is Oct. 9, 1980. So I will be turning the grand 21.

Erica:o)

Re: Birthdays
Posted by jes on Thu Sep 27 15:26:43 2001 (#10617)

hey, umm, oh yeah, 23rd july 1984, makes me.......ummm.....17!!! love jes xx

Re: Birthdays
Posted by emm on Thu Sep 27 22:54:20 2001 (#10623)

mines the 5th of december 1984 so i'll be 17.

Re: Birthdays
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Sep 28 05:22:46 2001 (#10628)

July 13. 20

Re: Birthdays
Posted by jen on Fri Sep 28 06:41:09 2001 (#10629)

my b day is 2-23 and i will be 18 luv jen

Re: Birthdays
Posted by Maggie on Fri Sep 28 09:04:24 2001 (#10630)

On March 11 I'll turn 21. Eeek...I'm getting old!

Re: Birthdays
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 28 15:22:12 2001 (#10635)

Now, Rhonda, what did you have to go and bring up this subject. It is fine for the young ones, they've got a long life ahead of them. I was ok turning 49 last July 5th. Now you want me to look a whole year ahead to (((((( 50 )))))) EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK! Still love you though Hugs for everyone Dawn

Re: Birthdays
Posted by deadflower on Fri Sep 28 19:52:09 2001 (#10646)

Hey, mine is January 16 and I'll be the big 18, I'll be legal, where I live ..... so I can buy booze and become an alcoholic .... kinda crazy, I hope it doesn't turn out that way .... anyways, birthdays are good

Re: Birthdays
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Mon Oct 1 13:36:10 2001 (#10680)

mine is the 9th of April i was born in 1982

dunno what to call this
Posted by *Poison on Thu Sep 27 04:15:39 2001 (#10604)

people annoy me

they say they care and love you, but what do they do when you are in need? say that they don't know what to do and just stand there dumbfounded. and then they tell you how they care so much because they cried over you one night, and you want to believe them, but the evidence does not support that. i don't know. i'm just not happy with some of my relationships with my friends right now.

it's funny, i can feel myself letting myself fall, it starts off small with not getting enough sleep...more depressing poetry...being quieter, giving away my money, i spent $15 on those little machines that you put quarters into and you get the little crappy toys in those egg container things..

i feel really selfish because i want my friends to be there when i'm having a hard time, i want them to do sweet things just out of nowhere every now and then, like stopping by my house just to see if i'm OK. offering suggestions other than STOP, Don't Do it (when you gotta go through it)-bad song i know- ok but i just want to be loved. but yet i am so scared to be loved, that i push everyone away. i am sooo sooo tired, i'm going to bed and if i can stay awake long enough...cutting.. i need to badly. i need to be able to function again. the sad thing is that i don't remember when i cut. like i cut the other day but i don't remember doing it. so i have to tell by how old the scars are etc...

any one know anything, or any good sites on PTSD? post traumatic stress disorder? i finally have a diagnoses...and i wasn't expecting that one...i know what it is and stuff but the funny thing is that, i don't remember any tragic event or anything. and that scares me because usually they say that if u dissociate, and epress memories something bad has happened to you...and i just sit there all day looking into what i can remember in my childhood...and i always remember feeling uncomfortable around guys, espically when they tickeled me...but i just don't feel that i was raped or molested or anthing...i don't know! i just want answers, that way i can work through this. it is a lot easier to win when you know where the finishing line is.

~Amanda~

Thankx for listening to this pointless rant.

Re: dunno what to call this
Posted by Nuni on Fri Sep 28 03:18:16 2001 (#10627)

I dont really think its pointless. I love "listening". I dont know if you realize this but its good for you to express, write, rant, whatever you want to call it. You seem strong, the way you express. I care about you, and if I could be there physically for you I would be. I know what its like to need someone to be thee for you when you are your lonliest. If you think cutting will help you well.... But I know of many others way of relieving whatever buillds up. You are already doing it... With your so called rants, which I think are important.. Ok, Im off the soap box..HUGS!!! Nuni

www.collander@ack on society's vegetables
Posted by collanders on Thu Sep 27 05:18:02 2001 (#10606)

you ask how I feel, but you don't want to hear you say 'show me', but you don't want to see

If you really knew me you'd leave, blood soaked truths win me no friends

Living in a prison with every visitor full of pity

pardon me while I puke

walking the green mile, there is only one judge & I'm walking

Too easy to die, so much harder to live

I'm walking alright - & I'll keep walking

you put me on the green mile - condemn the innocent

This mile's a marathon & I have many friends that wish to run

oxygen is salt when the wounds cry for tears

All love is selfish. Self pity loves no other

Anothers pity is sugar on self pity's tounge

bitter is the mile that we will walk

Re: www.collander@ack on society's vegetables
Posted by cabbage princess on Thu Sep 27 06:09:09 2001 (#10609)

Can I walk with you? love you xxx

Re: www.collander@ack on society's vegetables
Posted by yvon on Thu Sep 27 08:25:36 2001 (#10610)

isnt it amazing how much beauty comes from pain. that was beautiful

mood stabilizers
Posted by erica on Thu Sep 27 05:43:44 2001 (#10607)

just curious. I've been on neurontin, but I still am freaking out. The doctors have mentioned trying me on topomax. Has anyone tried it? if so could you share whether it helped or not, side effects, and so on.

thanx bunches.

Erica:o)

Re: mood stabilizers
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 28 02:27:09 2001 (#10625)

Hi, Tara was on topomax for about 6 or 7 months for her flashbacks. It really helped her, but the side affect for her was it cut her appetite in half and she started losing weight. She's off of it now and has gained back 8 or 9 pounds. Other than that, it really worked well for her. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: mood stabilizers
Posted by Lisa on Thu Oct 4 18:59:08 2001 (#10719)

i have a problem with cutting and depression and the only medication i have tried is prozac, paxil and wellbutrin. can you suggest a different medicine that might help me?

Re: mood stabilizers
Posted by Javina on Fri Oct 5 22:50:47 2001 (#10746)

Right not I'm on mirtazapine, which is helping.

I've tried most of the antidepressants and mood stabilizers on the market, but I've got treatment resistant bipolar disorder. Neurontin did nothing for me either.

Here's a line to my site, which chronicles my experiences with many, many medications: http://javina.com/iTakeDrugs/i ndex.html

Hope it helps.

Re: mood stabilizers
Posted by Nicke on Thu Oct 11 00:01:47 2001 (#10861)

I tried sertraline but that did nothing except make me very agressive. I then tried paroxatine which helped alot.

Hope you find one that works

just morer of my typing "URGES"
Posted by dyingtodie on Thu Sep 27 19:45:50 2001 (#10619)

URGES

Uncontrollable,unsatisf ied urges Urges for drugs,pain,self-hate,to vomit Sometimes I need the pain Sometimes I need to mask the pain Sometimes I need to creat the pain All these voices echo in my head So many things said, and I never listen Friends,Family,even my inner-child All their advice,their help and for what Here I am alone in this room with nothing Well there are the urges Urges so strong Urges I need to fill I can't help that I fall into these urges I can't help that my urges are"bad things" I need to them its how I survive All these urges there keeping me alive as they slowly kill me

*dyingtodie*

Jenny ???
Posted by emm on Thu Sep 27 23:35:58 2001 (#10624)

jenny. its emma. ive tryed emailing you but it doesnt work. contact me please.!!!!!!!

Re: Jenny ???
Posted by Jenny on Fri Sep 28 11:37:12 2001 (#10632)

Hi soz must have given you the wrong email address!!!? Its now right at de top of de screen!

Re: Jenny ???
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 28 18:31:45 2001 (#10642)

jenny!!!! its still not working even when i click on the email address at the top of the screen. theres something wrong with your address.

Re: Jenny ???
Posted by Jenny on Mon Oct 1 10:19:01 2001 (#10679)

Hi Emma, Just to say IU got ur email it does work as soon as I un fuck my computer at home I'll send u an email???? U can email me co z Im usin skool computers! C ya l8r Jenny