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Threads 2601 to 2650

A Cutter Is Who I Am not what I do
Posted by Dawn...chchchanging on Tue Sep 11 07:11:38 2001 (#10298)

Bet that statement stirred up opinions. I read post after post of someone cutting and hiding it, or getting hassled for it and at first I think "I'm so lucky I'm older" but being older or being lucky has nothing to do with reality. It is true, I am a cutter, I tell people that without blinking an eye. But that wasn't always true. Like many of you I was deep in the throes of misery, and depression.. not to mention despair when I started cutting, and although I didn't hide it I had to involve people and then things got scary. I had to get treated.

So I had to use my head and come up with a good plan, or story, that would keep me out of the looney bin. (Ok about that term. I have develope a way about me that turns pain into humor. The term Looney is a painful term that I now casually use to take away the pain I felt when I made my first actual attempt at suicide. The gate keeper at the state mental hospital told somebody he was chit-chatting with that he would have to call him back because he had to check in "some looney", so to take the sting of that prase away I use it jokingly. I HOPE I DON'T OFFEND ANYONE) So although I do not relate to being a teen and having to hide or answer for my cutting to parents, teachers, or other authoritites, I've still had hassels to deal with in regards to my cutting.

The emotional problems regarding parents that you younger ones have I have with my children. My sisters and brothers took it better, but my son distances himself from me because he doesn't know how to deal with the pain or the fear that he may lose his mother. And there is all his unresolved issues from his childhood that he has.

One of my daughters fears she may kill herself, because she knows she is so much like me that she fights hard to be just the opposite. It didn't help that her father used to lock her in the basement for days punishing her for being just like me.

And then there is my granddaughter. It was hard to come up with the right words when she saw my scarred arms and asked about them.

She knew about them before, saw stitches and bandages and helped me put bandaids on, but that was when she was younger. Now she is older and is "relating" to the world and people more.

My pat answers just didn't cut the mustard. (you know..I've heard that statement all my life and have repeated it myself, but to tell the truth I've never seen mustard you had to cut before.) Anyone know where it came from.

Ok, so that didn't have to do with SI, or did it? Does every word, every feeling, every thought we write have to be about hurting ourselves? If that were the case we would not get better.

I was thinking of suicide once and had given myself more regular insulin (I'm a type 2 diabetic) and took some pills just to make people aware that I was seriously in a bad place. I was given the choice looney bin or half way house. I chose the house. They gave me a plastic spoon to eat with and handed me a stack of papers...to be filled out and turned in every hour. The papers were emotion and mental surveys. I had to complete them every hour.

I fee______

When I get home I'm going to____

Every hour my answers were

I feel like cutting

When I get home I'm going to cut my right arm, maybe my left

I do not know the fool you thought up their crazy survey. But the only thing it accomplised was to keep my mind focused on the act of harming myself.

If it weren't for a book about people with borderline personality disorder my answers never would have changed, and neither would I.

Learning that my mind and emotional were symptoms of a true disorder gave me hope that someday my life would be different. And now it is.

I am a cutter. Who knows if that will ever change. I think maybe it will. But for now my being a cutter is the truth as I am a diabetic.

And as a diabetic when I eat "little Debbies" my blood sugar will be higher in the morning. And when life is stressful I may be wearing a bandage in the morning. I know this is long. I just had to say it.

Thats beauty
Posted by Benefit.... on Tue Sep 11 10:38:32 2001 (#10300)

that was a hell of a deep read.... very insighftul..... I feel the same way.... but im probably a bit more fukt up then u r :p

The survey sounds like a load of shit... what did theyactually hope to accomplish by making u fill it out...

When exploring emtotion.. for ppl who r in a depression clinic ( or something similar) its unwise to even give them the opportunity to contemplate harming themselves.. but to encourage wif surveys promoting deep thought.... is plain stupid... if ppl could understand not every1 that cuts wants help.. they would be halfway towards a solution... 1

Re: A Cutter Is Who I Am not what I do
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 11 17:43:10 2001 (#10308)

lovely

its nice to hear your words of inspiration again!

a cutter is who I WAS, now I'm changing
Posted by CHCHCHANGING on Sun Sep 16 23:17:11 2001 (#10404)

Yeah, I said all that, and more, over the past few months on the board. Like everyone on this earth my life goes up and down, and more so when I don't take my meds, or take too many, or remember my life before I learned just how (now I'm going to use a word that decribes my life perfectly, but may cause other Christians to question my Witness but no other word FITS) my life before the walls holding my memories crumbled was totally FUCKED up.and so was I.

Every fear I ever denied came out of the cellers in my mind and swooped down upon me and I could not cope with even seeing night fall. If I went any where after dark someone would have to come get me and pull up directly in from of my concrete block studio apartment.

24/7 X 4 years I was consumed with fear, grief, and emotional pain as one piece of memory after another surfaced from the depths of my mind to my consciousness.

In a way it is like the work going on in NYC. I went from a life totally Fucked up, to a life that was shambles, and when things hurt, or I got afraid, or I got angry at the person who hurt me and knowing that I do not remember their faces, which meant they could be any man, I developed a hate for almost all men, and started mutilating my body.

I didn't care who saw. Indeed I wanted people to see. I wanted the world to know that I was in deep pain, and I wanted them to know why.

Lately, though, my answers are not mixed with so much anger, but now are mixed with shame. Shame for not being strong enough yet to give up the one things that once brought calm out of chaos, but now the chaos is gone, and I'm still cutting....well I haven't lately, because I am right handed and now I have a "mass" (tumor) on my right thumb and when I use scissors my thumb swells at the knuclkle and I have a difficult time getting my thumb out of the handle, and I'm clumsy with my left arm and can't get the cutting right.

No do not feel sorry about that. THAT IS A GOOD THING!!!!!

Stopping mutilating is hard. I use the word mutilating because it sounds cruel. The word cutting infers all the wonderful feelings of control, "I'll show you You don't own my body I Do, and I'll cut my body anytime I CHOOSE, and you can't do a damn thing about it"

Now don't tell me that is not true, because I'm a cutter just like most of you, and under the pain that drives us to end the pain, and under the anger of whatever is wrong with our lives, UNDER ALL THE CRAP is that need to control SOMETHING IN OUR LIVES, something no one else can stop. Because, we will sneak, we'll con, we'll out and out lie, we will do any thing it takes to get to our weapon of choice and show the whole damn world no one can control us.

We all have that one thing in common. we may not have thought it out that well, in fact most of us, INCLUDING ME, would not confess that truth even to ourselves. But I believe (and all of this is only "MY TAKE ON THE WHOLE THING") none of us will STOP until we are damn good and ready. And I'm there. This nations tragedy has shown me that all my rapes, all my feelings, and thoughts about them, all my anger.... is nothing, it means nothing. My life will go on. It will have crappy days, It will have wonderful days, I will be delighted playing with my dog, and I will have days where it is too much effort to get out of bed. There may even be days, weeks, or months when I am so depressed I can't find the strength to want to live another day.

But mutilating my body doesn't change anything. If I want things to change I need to take action and changing them, even if it is only saying, "I don't like the way you are treating me"

There are going to be times when other people do have some control that affects my life. Look at the terrorists. But think about it. Everyone on those planes had the ultimate control of how they were going to live out the final moments of their lives. I believe many turned their lives over to the One who gave them life to begin with, others fought their way through and spared the White House and the Capitol.

If you were on one of those planes, how would you spend your final minutes?

Self Mutilation is an artform.. =o
Posted by Lee... on Tue Sep 11 09:49:23 2001 (#10299)

You people all trying to quit... why?? there is beauty in death and blood...

Beauty can be found in strange places.. - Vinnie Paz -

I make deep incisions and get hypontised by the blood pouring... going to school every couple of weeks (when the previous markings had faded into my skin) with a new message or emblem carved into my skin..

A word can be so powerful.... but cutting isnt a cry for help.. i do it coz its enjoyable... just appreciating art in a more inhumane area.. where true beauty lies... judicial law states that.. the basic nature of men is evil...

so we are... by design.... inspired by our lifestyles and surroundings to experiment with our bodies.... and create our own version of what beauty really is...

For ppl that just slit their wrists because they live complicated, painful lives... heres a motto from me to u...

Fu*k an optomistic motto.... Life is sorrow.... The first time I have a good time today, Ill blow my fu*king brains out tomorow...

See it isnt as bad as it could be... do it coz u love it.. or dont do it all... ruining it for people like me ^^

1

Re: Self Mutilation is an artform.. =o
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 11 17:51:06 2001 (#10311)

hia. in some ways i agree with you. i cut know because i cant stop but also becauce i enjoy it.

although before it was because i was sad, upset, depressed and screwed up.

in some ways its still the case. i do it for comfort, stress relif and anger. its something i know i could be locked away for but i choose to take the risk.

as far as i know im the only one in england who does it but ... oh well

its up to the individual what they belive.

love emma***

Re: Self Mutilation is an artform.. =o
Posted by Lee on Wed Sep 12 11:13:28 2001 (#10343)

u got it there.. but unfortunately it isnt up 2 the individual.... legally we arent entitled to deface ourselves.... but... who's gonna stop it.. the damn parents wont... "i fell of my bike.." "thats the 3rd time this week" ....

it aint my bad..... im a victim of society. and now i am societies problem... cant hide me.. i choose to wear my scars wif pride.. there is honour in self defacing... kinda like sculptures really.... the human body wasnt made perfet.. ppl pay $100000 to get their breats,nose,ears,lips,stomachs .... and all sorts of other things fixed... i think the sterotypical perspective of beauty is hideous.. wats beautiful about a 60 pound model.. goddamn.. something with character with the ability to express itself.. is beautiful.... thnx for responding emma =) take care... dont cut 2 deep ;)

Viruses
Posted by Maggie on Tue Sep 11 11:10:05 2001 (#10301)

Damn this... I have just got over a flu, and suddenly I get viral food poisoning on Sunday. And it was from something I ate from work!!! And I'm too scared to tell work it was from there, coz the chef (who sexually harasses me) will get really mad for accusing his food of being unhygenic and will make my life at work hell from now on. Last time when I told him to stop touching me, he stopped talking to me, and made it a really horrible environment.

And I think the infection has spread, coz I can't move my neck and back without it hurting SOOOOOO much, so that I can't even sleep without waking up everytime I move my head. And this makes it hard at University coz I can't take down lecture notes because I can't bend my head to look at my paper. And I shouldn't even be at Uni coz I'm too sick, but I have way too many assignments due and tests on, so I have to be there.

And I was in such a good mood before this... on a big high for weeks and weeks, and now it's like some sign is telling me not to kid myself anymore and accept that my life is meant to be full of suffering and I shouldn't try and change fates path for me. Grrrrrr......

Ok, sorry just had to get that off my chest. xxxoooxxx

end touching
Posted by ego on Tue Sep 11 13:00:12 2001 (#10302)

Du hast es nicht nötig, Dich von Deinem Chef anfsaaen zu lassen. What about an other job? Nobody has the rightto touch anybody against their will. Er sieht in Dir nur Fleisch, keinen Menschen. Er respektiert Dich nicht. Laß Dich nicht benutzen von ihm.

What the........???
Posted by jes on Tue Sep 11 14:24:15 2001 (#10303)

What is wrong with me? I really don't understand myself. I'm not cutting that much really and what i do do isn't even deep, I don't feel especially 'low', and there is nothing more than the normal stressing me. And yet I CAN'T be happy. I just feel like crying all of the time. Maybe it's because I've realise dI was right all along but i never realised it, i knew but everyone always sad i was wrong ("no, you are worth something") but now it's been confirmed by someone who knows. I always knew i was right and i always knew they were there but now it's been proved to me and i know it's not just because im paranoid. WHY ARE THEY HERE THO'? WHY ARE THEY WATCHING ME? i think its nothing to do with me, these new feelings im having, i think they're doing it. they're pissed off that i discovered them so now they're trying to confuse me. the strange thing is that it's ot like i'm really scared of him tho' (the one who communicates with me) i always thought that maybe they were there so now its just more like peace of mind i think. Apart from when i keep asking him questions or he's in a bad mood cos thenhe shouts and i can't block him out any more. i don't like that. it scares me. i am scared. im scared of what they want from me and what they want to do to me. i don't knw wha they want or even who they are apart from his name but i can't tell you that cos it'd make him mad. i should go now. love jes xxx

I wish I had an answer for you
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 11 22:21:36 2001 (#10316)

Jes, I'm not a shrink or even a psyche nurse but, I think you need medicine. They have special medicine to help you not feel like "they are watching" you, or "telling you to do things".

My father was like you, and to tell you the truth it makes me sad to hear you struggle.

I wish I could help you more, but I can't. But I still care. Love and Hugs Dawn

Re: I wish I had an answer for you
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 12 13:47:51 2001 (#10344)

:) i knew that was coming, but hey-ho. :)

Re: I wish I had an answer for you
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 12 14:32:35 2001 (#10347)

ok, so assuming i do need 'special' medicine, how would i go about that? i've read plenty of things about how you people in the US go about these things but what about in the GB?? i'm confused, sometimes im sooo convinced tht i am being watched by these pepole, and others i'm not, the scary thing is that the 'am' times are getting to be more frequent than the 'not' times. at the mo', im not so sure. i know its a bad comparison but it sometimes feels like the is there or isnt there a God question.. no, he is in here i know he s, he's laughing at me. and he is not pleased that i told you guys about him and the others. but now e's laughing cos he knows no-one will believe me. maybe i am mad???? i dont know what i think anymore. love jes "can't scream, can't shout, hurt myself to get pain out"

.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Tue Sep 11 17:15:21 2001 (#10305)

.............. ....... .... .. . *sigh* never mind.

Drew.

I remember you, Drew
Posted by someone who was supposed to get on with her life on Tue Sep 11 19:23:04 2001 (#10314)

How are you?

~ an old friend

Re: I remember you, Drew
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Wed Sep 12 03:58:02 2001 (#10330)

yeah, like I got friends.

Drew :)

Re: I remember you, Drew
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 04:57:00 2001 (#10333)

don't be so cynical - people may not be friendly with you because you scare them intentionally, so you really can't blame anyone else. You isolate yourself.

Re: I remember you, Drew
Posted by Linda on Thu Sep 13 20:17:18 2001 (#10375)

DREW!!!!!! You can NOT say that you do not have friends. I have bent over backwards to be friends with you. If you do not have a friend it is YOUR fault! I am here. I have asked you to email me. I have added Yahoo messenger on purpose just so I could speak to YOU.....I have left you message after message to let you know that I still watch for you....I have even taken time out of my busy schedule to chat with you at least once for an extended time. YOU DO HAVE A FRIEND! There are any number of people on this board that would do the same!

Re: I remember you, Drew
Posted by Drew on Tue Sep 18 18:02:21 2001 (#10428)

geeze. I didn't know ppl. get so upidy at a little self loathing now adays.

thecutthatneverheals

why the fuck did they do that?????
Posted by jes on Tue Sep 11 17:43:11 2001 (#10309)

what the fuck are these ppl on?? I mean, how many ppl have died or been injured because of their stupid political ideas??? i know this has nothing to do wiht SI and I'm not American so you could say that it doesnt afect me but it did. i was sat watching the news and i was crying my eyes out. it's sick. and it won't achieve anything other tha thier mayes will think they did a good thing. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. SORRY. it just makes me so mad to think of the lives that have been wasted. jes :(

Re: why the fuck did they do that?????
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 11 17:45:55 2001 (#10310)

i know. ine just seen the news and its terrible. why would you do something like that. very sad.

it disgusts me
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 00:14:54 2001 (#10322)

this 'thing' is absolutely disgusting. I mean, they say the death toll could be in the 10's of thousands. it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I mean, who gives them the right??? it is just horrible, and very very sad...

Re: why the fuck did they do that?????
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Sep 12 01:06:05 2001 (#10326)

I didn't know anyone in New York but I know how the people feel. I was just 70 miles away from the bomb site in Oklahoma City when the Murrarh Building blew up. My brother was suppose to be there that day to get a social security card for his newly born daughter but didn't make it. This is a horrible thing. The bad thing is these people in other countries claim to kill Americans in the name of GOD!!!! This is not what GOD is about. Sorry if I stir up the debate about religion again, but this is my way of getting my feelings out. GOD did not allow this to happen! People did this in His name which is wrong. I keep thinking this may trigger some of you to hurt yourselves again and I pray you are stong enough to get through it. We all need to say a prayer tonight for the innocent people that have been hurt and killed. May GOD keep them all in His hand. Love, Rhonda

Re: why the fuck did they do that?????
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 05:12:11 2001 (#10336)

I think that the point is that people claim that their religion gives them the permission to become terrorists and murderers or otherwise. They use religion in the wrong way, not just god.

HOLY CRAP!!
Posted by elle on Tue Sep 11 18:01:16 2001 (#10312)

I cant believe all this. I USED TO BE ABLE TO SEE THE WORLD TRADE CENTERS FROM MY BEDROOM WINDOW AND NOW THERE IS A BIG PUFF OF SMOKE. i really cant believe they are gone. it is total chaos around here. this is so crazy. god, so many of my friends, prolly about half of the people i went to high school with have a parent who works in the trade centers or within a 5 block radius. its so unbelievable. all our tv stations are out because the transmitters are - were- on top of the trade center.

Re: HOLY CRAP!!
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 11 19:33:52 2001 (#10315)

its oki know i think all of north american is shuken up by this, but we need to think good thoughts!

Re: HOLY CRAP!!
Posted by Sharon on Tue Sep 11 23:52:30 2001 (#10318)

Sorry, but it's kinda hard for me to banish negativity at this moment. I love NYC and have been to the top of the WTC a few times and the knowledge that IT'S GONE is a bit overwhelming. All we did in school was watch CNN all day while these insensitive cowards went on and on about how "cool" the crash was. Bastards. Sorry, I'm just really fed up with people right now. I heard that a teacher I had last year had her husband on one of the hijacked planes. Plus I have a cousin in NYC. So . . . yeah, screw happiness at this moment. This isn't an attack on anyone who is being positive, good for you, I'm just in shock and really sick of people right now.

hugs,

Sharon

i agree....
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 00:20:54 2001 (#10323)

instead of being happy, we should be thankful that we are alive. I am sorry sharon, if anyone you know was hurt. tonight, I pray that this stops, that there isn't anymore of it. I only hope that the bastards who did this die a slow and painful death...

Re: i agree....
Posted by elle on Wed Sep 12 03:18:59 2001 (#10329)

it is so sad and i am so relieved everyone in my family is alright. so many of my friends are mourning the deaths of their parents right now. my best friends dad works there and he was on his way to work and was just about to cross the street to go into the WTC and the first plane hit. he ran as fast as he could becuase he said all the windows around in all the buildings exploded and he ran to the closest ferry and took it back to nj and got to take the train home before they shut them all down. there is this huge cloud of smoke over my house and in the sky.

Re: i agree....
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 05:02:14 2001 (#10334)

thank god you and your family are okay!!! I am so sorry about the deaths of your freinds' families... take care, lyssie

time for a moan
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 11 22:28:36 2001 (#10317)

hia all, good to hear from you all. how are you ? im ... well...not great. i thought i had stopped cutting after the section but its not true. over the last frew days ive started again. not as bad i mean about 20 a time in comparison to about 200 a time, plus the dont need stitches. still.... i can see this getting worse and more frequent.

also ive got this horrid feeling inside that everyone hates me. i mean they probarbly dont and im just over reacting but it upsets me. this i think sprang up when someone said that people were saying i was evil and not worth it. that really upset me to hear that other people thought i was a waist of space too.

plus, ive started becoming really touchie and over sensitive. even a friendly "shut up" sends me spiraling until i need to rush off to the toilets and grab my trusty razor. (this cant be healthy) whats wrong? its all happend so suddenly. its even started to worry me that no ones going to read my posts because im anoying ang boring and i talk to much about myself.

this is upseting me now so im going. sorry to waist your time.

love you all Emma****

for me. ...plz!
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 12 00:37:19 2001 (#10324)

emma listin to me,

u are not a waste of MY time and i dont think u are to ANYONE, we've missed u so much on here. if anything we want to here from u and how ur doing.

its ok i know sometimes i;ll just freak out over a lil shut up to, but when some one says something, even if its little, i want to u STOP, and THINK about it for just one mintue just one take a big huge deep breath, and say im better then that or "he didnt mean it" " it was just a joke".

even u do end up cutting i still want u just to say that, i'll be so proud if u do those things!:) hang in there babe!

e-mail me if u need anything LinZee->xoxo<-

MY UNCLE!!
Posted by diana on Wed Sep 12 00:37:36 2001 (#10325)

i kno i said i wouldn't really b on here nemore.. but i hadda let something out. my uncle works in the pentagon.. and well there is no freakin pentagon nemore. We can't get in touch w. him... so we don't even kno if he was dead. im so pissed off rite now from these fuckin idiots. jus cuz they're country is so fucked up.. doesn't mean they hafta come ova here n fuck ours up 2. n yesterday i was in NYC.. damn if i stayed another day i would b in that hell. well i thought i would share this. sorry for actin so pissed.. but i really am.

Re: MY UNCLE!!
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 12 14:00:28 2001 (#10345)

sorry to hear that, i hope your uncle's ok. love jes xx

i want to have a lil moment of silence....
Posted by *me* on Wed Sep 12 01:59:48 2001 (#10327)

There has been so much terrorist stuff going on today. I know not all of you pray, so I thought whenever you all read this, just either say a prayer or take a moment of silence for all of the people who have lost someone and for all of the people who lost their lives. I read elle's post about her friend's parents that work there - I will keep them in my prayers. Also, I have a friend who lives in NYC and her mom works at the WTC. I haven't been able to get in touch w/ her to see if her family is ok. Everyone, plz just take a moment to remember what a terrible thing happened today.

* ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** *

shoot the stars didn't turn out rite...owell...EOM
Posted by *me* on Wed Sep 12 02:01:00 2001 (#10328)

nt

Re: i want to have a lil moment of silence....
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 05:08:53 2001 (#10335)

I second that - I am not Christian but I pray for the health and safety of all of your loved ones. I luckily don't know anyone in NYC or the pentagon, but I have had close family and friends die suddenly and I know how tragic that can be. Diana, I hope your uncle is okay, and if it helps, they have listed no fatalities from the pentagon (from what I have heard), and it was only part that was hit. Many people went back in to the still standing part. everyone take care, lyssie

Re: i want to have a lil moment of silence....
Posted by necrosis on Wed Sep 12 05:47:09 2001 (#10339)

I've prayed before & a few know how anti - religion I am - fuck that. Tonight I'll say a prayer for those that were lost or not found. This has been just horrific

peace to those that died strength to those that must live through this

love x

Re: i want to have a lil moment of silence....
Posted by Linda on Wed Sep 12 17:33:20 2001 (#10349)

(((((((((((Dave))))))))))

*********************************************.
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 12 16:01:26 2001 (#10348)

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***************

thats my momemnt of silence, i just have to say that the fisrt flight that crashed wsa from boston, my uncle was suppose to me on it, but he was late so he missed it, so hes at home safe.

death WILL follow....
Posted by black rose on Wed Sep 12 04:17:50 2001 (#10331)

hi everyone, sry I haven't been posting much! there's somehting in me that I just couldn't! I mean I c bad things happening infront of me but it all just doesn't feel real...it's worse than a shitty movie! I'm banned from seeing my best friend cuz her parents r mad at us and this kid we know! I'm soOo pissed cuz her parents embarassed the hell out of us and it wasn't funny at all! OMG!!! I can't feel, but yet everything I've been doin lately has seemed to screw up everyone's lives! I am nothing but a strain on ppls lives and success! sry I'm writing soOo long! I just wanna collapse cut and die! so y not...

because WE care!!!
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 05:17:03 2001 (#10337)

I can understand how you feel, and I can tell you right now that it is not worth it. Just take it one minute at a time. don't worry about 10 minutes ago, just this minute. Try not to think about what is beyond this minute either. Just one minute at a time. If you can make it through one, you can make it through them all. take care, and stay strong!

Re: because WE care!!!
Posted by jue on Wed Sep 12 21:28:55 2001 (#10355)

Christine

Careful honey. there is love. i can relate to how you are feeling. i agree with lys just one moment at a time. live in each moment don't think of the next. please be careful.

love julie. hug yourself from me.

i know this feelings, its not a good one
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 12 04:20:36 2001 (#10332)

i know this feeling, its a bad one, only felt it once before in my whole life, gr 6, when i found lil alex tolled us that aaron sexually abuses her, a 5 year old telling us something she has been tolled not to tell by her mom and her step brother or she would be beaten, and now i feel this feeling coming back that feeling of panic, that sick feeling and there nothing i can do to stop its just going to come and mite stay im not sure.

bulimic - again....
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 05:26:33 2001 (#10338)

okay, for the past few weeks, I have been having that mounting feeling of disgust (beyond the norm) when I eat or anything. Now, in the past week, Ij haven't been eating a whole lot, and I havebeen purging my dinner after eating major amounts of food. I don't know what to do!!! I mean, my therapist is away, and I couldn't be falling apart at a worse time. I am moving out tomorrow, I just started at a new school, I am waiting for possible meds, and I am supposed to get a job now. I am so worn out, and yet I know that this is really not the time to lose it again. And right now I would like to slice myself up something good. I know, i should take my own goddamn advice (one minute at a time) but I really am trying!! and yet failing.... and now, I am out of smokes, so I am going to have to have a very childish hissy-fit. my teddy bear is keeping me company right now.... And this terrorist thing in the states reminds me of my friend when she killed herself, like 3 years ago, and I have that same feeling, and it just won't go away!!! anyway, I need a lot of help....

Re: bulimic - again....
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 12 14:08:00 2001 (#10346)

i don't now if there's anything i can say to make it all better or even a lil bit better. but, i just wanted to say, hang in there and b careful. love jes xx

Re: bulimic - again....
Posted by jue on Wed Sep 12 21:38:52 2001 (#10356)

lys

i hate that feeling with everything out of control or on the verge. i have also just started school and once again i also am on the verge of returning to my anorexic stage, i just downed a cup of black coffee for energy but almost threw it up. BLAST!!! i ask myself why??? why do we hate eating and then i eat and then throw up??? why do i feel like this??? why do i want to punish my own body??? i think the only thing is that i don't have respect for myself but at the same time i don't feel worthy of respect and figure the only way to make the guilt less is to punish myself. but this is for you and i want you to be careful and i in turn am trying to be careful.

just remember that above all we can be innocent at the beginning of everyday. sorry i don't really know what to say to make it better. e-mail me sometime.

love julie

Re: bulimic - again....
Posted by lys on Mon Sep 17 23:07:08 2001 (#10414)

I guess the problem with me is that I love eating... I love the taste of food, new flavours, all of that... but then again, I hate gaining weight. And I like cooking, so I make a lot of food and end up eating it all and more often than not end up purging.... but anyways.... yeah....

To all my American Friends.
Posted by Maggie on Wed Sep 12 07:12:23 2001 (#10340)

My heart goes out to all of you... Just to let you all know that everyone in New Zealand is also so shocked about what happened. Even in shops and on the streets people are talking about it. Everyone is so solemn. I'll be praying for you and your family & friends.

Luv Maggie.

Re: To all my American Friends.
Posted by jue on Wed Sep 12 21:40:57 2001 (#10357)

as it is in Canada also. we are all so worried. everyone is donating blood but we don't know if it will be able to get their with all the airports closed.

lovejulie

Re: To all my American Friends.
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 13 00:03:32 2001 (#10367)

Hello my friends... Eventhough I am 3,000 miles away from this tragedy I can assure you that the pain is felt through out the entire country. But as always, as Americans do, we will prevail, we will survive this as we do everything else. Like President Bush said "they tried to destroy our foundation and they failed!!!" Thank you on behalf of those witnessing the carnage first hand.

Good Morning America ...
Posted by ego on Wed Sep 12 08:33:47 2001 (#10341)

...how are you today? I woke up thirty minutes before, thought What a terrible nightmare I had dreamt. I put the TV on and the TV says : no, this was not just a nightmare, this had been reality. I am nearly to cry. Hours after the terrorist act I do still have no words to express what I am feeling. There is some deep mourning. In „normal“ cases of terrorism there are a few people killed. This nightmare probably killed thousands of human beeings. This is gone over every border, this is nearly a war. I feel with you and I hope you can watch the pictures from Germany on your TV and that will be some kind of help and, if it is possible, it would be comforting you.

***

the same in german : ***

Guten morgen Amerika....

wie geht es Dir heute? I wurde vor einer halben Stunde wach und dachte, welchen schrecklichen Alptraum ich geträumt hatte. Ich schaltete das Fernsehgerät ein und das TV sagte : nein, das war nicht bloß ein Alptraum, das ist real gewesen. ich bin davor, zu weinen. Auch Stunden nach dem terroristischen Anschlag finde ich keine worte um das auszudrücken, was ich fühle. Da ist eine tiefe Trauer. In „normalen“ Fällen von Terrorismus sterben ein paar Leute. Dieser Alptraum tötete möglicherweise tausende Menschen. Das überschritt jede Grenze und man kann es beinahe schon als Kriegserklärung verstehen. Ich fühle mit Euch und ich hoffe, das Ihr die Bilder aus Deuitschlanf seht und das sie Euch in irgendeiner Weise helfen, und , wenn das überhaupt möglich ist, das sie Euich ein kleiner Trost sein können.

FIGHTING FOR LIFE
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 12 09:10:04 2001 (#10342)

I have dealt with inner pain for years. I've fought FOR MY LIFE all of my life. I will continue to fight against all odds to live my life the way my inner person says is right.

Destruction is not right. It isn't for my good. I will not cut myself or harm myself again.

I live several thousands of miles away from New York, but watching my nation being attacked... again... and for the first time.

That was how I was assaulted again... but for the first time.... everytime.

I'm older now. I have more power now. I am an American.... and I have value.

Today as I watched the scenes over and over I wanted to be there. To save lives. Every time I cut myself I am working against fighting for my life. I've been fooling myself that my cutting was only about me. It wasn't really about me it was about the hands that touched me that I couldn't stop. It was about everything in my life I could not stop. And I grew so used to it, so familiar with how it stopped memories, how it stopped feelings that were painful or frightening.

I used cutting to punish myself for not being smart enough to know what I was getting myself into, or knowing and going into it anyway with the hope that I could talk my way out of being raped. I cut when I got angry with myself. I cut myself for not being strong, physically, mentally, or verbally.

I no more deserved to be cut than I did to be raped, or abused physically, emotionally, or verbally than the people in New York who lived, worked, or was trying to save lives when their lives were taken.

Cutting is not a competive sport. Now I don't want to offend anyone, but sometimes when I read some peoples posts I don't get a sence that the person is in pain as much as they are trying to paint a goreier picture than someone else did.

Lives are on the line here. I don't want my life to be on the line against myself. Maybe it took real life devastation for me to see how petty my war with myself has been.

Now I know my pain pills and muscle relaxers have me in this wonderful euphoric place. And I know that walking the walk of ending the war with myself is not going to be a cake walk. But euphoria or not. I KNOW MY LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR, even if the enemy is all in my head.

And for you young people out there who say they really want to stop cutting, that you want help, and wish you could get it without your parents finding out. Well I learned that here in Oregon if you are 16 you can, and that it varries from state to state, so if you really want help you can check it out.

Oh, I will leave you tonight (PST 11:45PM) with another of my stories.

In my honest to goodness heart I wanted to be a good wife and mother, but in truth I began being abusive in my parenting approaches from day one. Oh, I didn't even come close to my mother's parenting, but it was still early. Well the longer I was a wife to my children's father, and mother to my children the more out of control I got. I knew I needed help. And the worse I got the more I truely wanted to get help. But I was afraid of the consequences if I told people I grabbed my son by his hair as he tried to run away from me and I actually lifted his feet off the floor at times. Of sometimes I'd grab one of my girls when they disobeyed me and I'd toss them up against the wall or counter top, and sometimes when I'd hear their bones creak I would get afraid and would have them soak in the tub in cold water. I wanted to get help but I was afraid.

Then came the day when my son told me he didn't have to do what I said and called me a bitch and I snapped and decided to kill him, his two sisters, and myself, because I couldn't live in prison. And while I was in the process of beating the life out of him. I heard God whisper "Hit him again and you will never stop." And I knew God knew I fully intended to kill us all.

Suddenly I realized I loved my children just hated my life and their behavior and the fear of all my secrets coming out didn't matter a hill of beans. What mattered most was that I loved my children and was willing to face whatever consequence fell on me to see that we, especially me, got the help we needed.

Facing the truth about myself and my ways of coping with the life that was mine at many cross roads of my life seemed impossible when approaching them, but turned out not so bad when I encountered them face to face.

What I am saying with all that is that I believe we have a knowing inside us that tells us when we need help, and often we are afraid of the conscequences if we pursue the help. It might take work. I might take coming out of the closet. But it might only take reaching out our hand and discovering someone ready with their's to help us up out of out troubles.

I hope those of you who really want help will pursue it.

I will be checking back now and then. Email me if you want support, or just to chat. I won't be changing this address love and hugs Dawn

Re: FIGHTING FOR LIFE
Posted by Linda on Wed Sep 12 17:39:38 2001 (#10350)

(((((Dawn))))) You are so hard on yourself! I do believe you have to take charge of your life and be responsible for your actions but will you remember that your parenting skills are learned behaviors. We are not born just knowing how to comfort and nurture. It must be modeled to us. Please know that it is under His blood and is all over!!!

Re: FIGHTING... Let me clarify
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 12 20:38:12 2001 (#10354)

My message was NOT bout ragging on me or my past parenting skills. I took total responsiblty for my abusive behavior and apologized to my, now adult, children years ago and we have grown closer. I asked for forgiveness and they gave it.

My message was about getting help, even when it could mean bearing the brunt of other peoples' lack of understanding... and perhaps ridicule, shunning, etc.

When OUR lives are on the line we need to follow our instincts, not our sick minds that tell us cutting is ok, that it isn't hurting anyone.

If that were so, why is it hidden? Why is seeking help so hard to do? Why are so many on this board agonizing about having to wait until they are "of age" to seek the help they know they need AND WANT?

It is not my intention to pester people into seeking help just because I've had a change of heart. I know that more often than not making changes in our lives is like a woman going into labor. Sometimes it is easy and fast coming. But for most it is long (sometimes agonizingly long and seems to last an eternity) and some times lives are lost in the process.

I KNOW that conscequense can appear much worse than they really are when we look at them. And some times the birth of change is so painful we wonder why we chose to undergo it.

For me the conscequences staring me in the face was losing my kids. And indeed in the end I did. But I didn't lose them in a system. I lost them to their father, because he had abandoned us all, and they wanted him back home, and they wanted their friends, their home, their school. They were childern, facing the shattering of their lives as they knew it. And I gave up trying to force my ideas and desires on them and let them make and bear the consequenced of their decisions. It was not easy on any of us.

Change is not easy to face, and even harder to do. But I know I can't live anymore the way I've been living so if I want things to change I need to step forward and pursue it.

Re: FIGHTING FOR LIFE
Posted by emm on Wed Sep 12 17:40:42 2001 (#10351)

nooooooo. dont leave.my sanity is dangeling by a thread and i need someone sane to help me. i know there are others like linzee who is fantastic but i still care alot about you......what am i saying...sorry.

bit touchy at the moment. good luck in the future and i will email you.

love you lots emma ***

Re: FIGHTING FOR LIFE
Posted by jue on Wed Sep 12 21:48:16 2001 (#10358)

Dawn...

i am in awe of your strength. your words are so powerful. i am sitting here trembling after i read your post. it really touched me. thanks.

love julie

crying blood and bleeding tears
Posted by Amanda on Wed Sep 12 20:27:31 2001 (#10352)

well i fucked up AGAIN!!! im bleeding like hell. 5 cuts 3 deep and 2 scratchs. i feel good at the moment, but im waiting for the giult to set in. ill start to feel like crap soon. and i have to call my b/f later so ill have to tell him and he'll get all upset and pissed off with me. but right now i dont care, im covered in my own blood and thats all i have wanted for a long time.

Re: crying blood and bleeding tears
Posted by jue on Wed Sep 12 21:50:57 2001 (#10359)

i'm sorry sweetheart. i wish i could make it better. it isn't your fault. remember that.

take care of yourself. love julie

song
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 12 20:34:29 2001 (#10353)

i really like the song hurt by nine inch nails i dont have the lyrics yet but i'll get themim still looking

Re: song
Posted by beautiful and dying on Wed Sep 12 22:01:17 2001 (#10360)

yeah, it's a good one... 'the fragile' is like, a really gorgeous one too, my ex boy used to sing it to me when i was really down *bless* xxxxxxx

Lyrics
Posted by ~~~Little Baby Nothing~~~ on Wed Sep 12 22:40:35 2001 (#10362)

i have most of the lyrics if your intereted but i cant remember them all sorry....ill do my best, tis my fave song when depressed...

I hurt myself today to see if i still feel i focus on the pain the only thing thats real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but i remember everything what have i become my sweetest friend everyone i know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt i will let you down i will make you hurt i wear this crown of shit upon my liars chair full of broken thoughts i cannot repair beneath the stains of time the feeling disappears you are someone else i am still right here what have i become my sweetest friend everyone i know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt i will let you down i will make you hurt if i could start again a million miles away i would keep myself i would find a way....

hope those are right, all from memory!! i might have some words muddled....its a brilliant song, but quite triggering at times...i spose it depends on the person, doesnt trigger me personally just relaxes me.... love you all particularly Necrosis and *very*beautiful and dying .... luv u! xxxx

Re: Lyrics
Posted by beautiful and dying on Thu Sep 13 00:01:42 2001 (#10366)

*you too baby, mwah mwah mwah xxxx*

a little conversation i was having today....
Posted by beautiful and dying on Wed Sep 12 22:08:53 2001 (#10361)

me and miss fran who used to come to this board a lot about 6 months? a year? ago were on the phone earlier... she left home and lost her internet access, but she still thinks about everyone here and how they helped her out of some really difficult times...she asked me to say hello to all who remember her...Nuni and DB and Laura Rose... she's just moved to a college house type thing and so far she's doing really well. thought i'd let you old Canada people know we're still alive and kicking!!

Re: a little conversation i was having today....
Posted by Sharon on Wed Sep 12 22:52:49 2001 (#10363)

Thanks for posting that, it's great to hear how some "old Canada" ppl are doing. I still think 'bout the "house" a lot. Anyway, if you talk to Fran again, please tell her I said hi and the best of luck to her. Thanks.

hugs,

Sharon

hi babes xxxx
Posted by beautiful and dying on Wed Sep 12 23:54:57 2001 (#10365)

i will do sharon, thanks for the encouragement! i'll definitely be speaking to Fran, we keep in good contact... I'll let her know you're still thinking of her... i'm sure she'll be pleased...thanks for your help! mwah, be strong xxxx

What do we do now?
Posted by Sharon on Wed Sep 12 23:03:46 2001 (#10364)

So, what happens now? How do we pick up the pieces of what happened yesterday, how do we cope with what we lost? There was something horrifically morbid about watching the Twin Towers collapse live on TV in my English class that left me in shock for the rest of the day. Sorry about my rudeness yesterday, I was really fed up. My mind is just starting to wrap around what's going on, I can't even begin to imagine the numbers of casualties or injured people. It's strange, I watch the news on TV with this sense of detachment, one part of me still thinks it's not real. I guess I'll never really believe it unless I go to NYC again and look at where the towers used to stand. It's like when my friend died, I didn't really believe he was dead until I went to the service and he was buried. It's somehow unreal from over the phone or through the TV. Suprisingly, I haven't cut at all since I found out about the news. Sure, some of it is shock, but some part of me is dealing with this without the knives and blood, which shocks me. I never would've thought that I could handle something like this without cutting. It just seems . . . insignificant, everything in light of this does. The cutting, the anorexia, I don't even care about maintaining the perfection facade anymore. I pretty much trashed the mask yesterday at school and I don't even care. I found out this afternoon that my cousin's fine. Scary thing is that she accepted a job at the WTC that would've had her working in the 69th floor next month. That just really wakes me up to how that could be any of us with families in the planes or the buildings. Well, sorry to ramble, guess I had to get all that out.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: What do we do now?
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 13 06:05:57 2001 (#10368)

Dear Sharon, Im glad you got all of that out. Im proud of you that you didnt cut, weird thing I havent cut either. I feel that everything that is going on with me is insignificant too. I have never posted after you but you seem insiteful.. I think you are definitly going to get through this. We all are, just like that pick up the pieces. Huge hugs!! Nuni

Re: What do we do now?
Posted by Dawn on Thu Sep 13 06:47:04 2001 (#10369)

Sharon, just like you and Nuni said, this horrific tragedy puts a lot of things in perspective. I know that both of you are right "we pick up the pieces" and go on.

I believe the pieces, for me, is the pieces of my life. My life is "my world". Like Nuni, I am far away from the tragedy site. It is surreal, I believe it, and I can see that it happed, and can see it happening even though my tv screen has become my internet monitor. But yesterday I eyes were open far into the night, not able to get the message out of my head. That the troubles of my life "my world" are so trivial in comparison.

I do not want to get or sound preachy, but a few phrases from the Bible keep coming into my head, about life being a vapor, that all is vanity. We worry over every little thing and yet there is a bigger picture.

People from every corner of the world has their eyes and hears tuned to America, to see how we face devastation caused by the worst act of terrorism America has ever faced.

Americans from differen heritages are scared we will turn on them, just because they are Arabic, or Muslim.

But we on this board are having to face a different delimna. Ourselves, we've been acting violently against our own bodies for so long that the violence has become our friend and our troubles just a means to interact with the one true friend that brought us comfort.

In New York and Pennselvania bodies are broken and bleeding and I bet neither brings comfort to the owners of their bodies. We look upon the tragedy with clear eyesight. Bleeding, broken bodies, dead bodies.... lives snuffed out needlessly. I bet each one of those lives had troubles....no one is without troubles in their lives.

I for one am going to try to turn back the clock, the years to when I deal with my troubles in different way than commiting violence on my body. That is what I am going to do now!!!!!!!

Re: What do we do now?
Posted by Maggie on Thu Sep 13 13:23:25 2001 (#10371)

Dawn, I liked what you said about us hurting our bodies whereas those in the tragedy wouldn't appreciate their bodies hurting.

I felt like hurting myself for the first time in a long while, simply because the feelings of shock, sadness and anger were overwhelming. But then I felt selfish to waste my blood when so many people could do with it to live. Everything now seems so trivial in the big picture... I can't believe I felt I had problems, when there are kids who are still waiting for their parents to come home.

I feel especially lucky to live in safe, boring New Zealand where there's never been a terrorist. Nothing much happens down here, and for once I can appreciate it's sanctuary.

I continue praying for all you Americans. And I hope you guys give back the bastards who did this what they deserve!

Hugs, Maggie.

Re: What do we do now?
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 13 16:56:36 2001 (#10372)

Hi Maggie, I love you.. and from the words of my Commander in Chief, the President of the USA "we will not tolerate those who did this or those who harbor those who did this" I am in the US NAVY and I assure you things are going to happen... ((((((Maggie)))))), it should be coming your way in about 15 minutes.

Re: What do we do now?
Posted by Kate on Thu Sep 13 20:29:03 2001 (#10376)

I don't know quite what to do with myself. This whole thing seems like a movie, a bad movie, and I keep having to tell myself that it's not. Every day I go to bed exhausted from everything that is going on. Like so many others, my problems seem so trivial compared to this. I guess the only choice we have now is to simply go on, clinging to life and those we love. What else is there for us to do?

Re: What do we do now?
Posted by Sharon on Fri Sep 14 21:59:30 2001 (#10391)

To all the "non USAers" thanks for all the sympathy and support. Dawn, what you said really hit me hard, about how we hurt ourselves intentionally and yet are so outraged when someone else harms another person. That's so true, I treat my blood so casually now, but there are those whose lives might depend on it. That's what I wanted to say, and oh yeah, one last thing, in spite of all the pain and suffering, this tragedy has taught me how strong people are and how even though Americans fight like cats and dogs about differences within our country, we can still band together when someone from the outside hurts us.

hugs,

Sharon

?????
Posted by jes on Thu Sep 13 13:20:35 2001 (#10370)

*sigh* ? How? Why? What? When? It's too confusing. Maybe i should do it before they make me do it. I don't want someone else to dictate when it happens. I won't give them that. I won't. *sigh* nothing. It doesn't matter. Ignore me.
:~( jes xx

Re: ?????
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 13 17:02:13 2001 (#10373)

You cant expect anyone to ignore you with all of those unanswered questions. I'd like to say that I have asked those before. IT ALWAYS MATTERS!!! Take care.. Nuni

Re: ?????
Posted by *star* on Tue Sep 25 14:05:57 2001 (#10567)

Of course im going to worry about you have you seen this> who are *they* i dont get it im crying i want to help you wont let me it isnt fair dont treat me this way i need to know. *

can't cut deep enough
Posted by dyingtodie on Thu Sep 13 18:51:17 2001 (#10374)

It seems that ever time I cut I cut a little deeper my scares are larger and my wounds will not heal and although I may not cut to kill I'm dying to die to cut just a tad bit deeper to hit a vain and not get rushed to the hospital to let my painrush out of and even if that means saying good bye to this life it is better than living one more day in pain with one more cut that will not heal its one more day that I don't need to hide my flesh and lie about my cut and scared body it is one more day that I don't have to look myself in the mirror and see discust.

Thanks for allowing me to speack my mind I don't want to go with a mind full of selfhate and worries.

!!DyingtoDie!!

Re: can't cut deep enough
Posted by emm on Thu Sep 13 21:01:52 2001 (#10377)

Hello there! im emma. dont worry we all know how you feel. one huge cut deep enough to drain you of all your blood. weve all been there, the thing being until you've done it you dont realise what a mistake doing it would be.

it always seems a good idea but the day i did do it i realised that people would find me , lock me away and not let me out.

the scarings bad too. ive had the same scar for 3 years now and its worse than ever.

anyway. dont thank us for letting you post. were always glad to see new people. im always here to help in every way i can.

talk to me any time you want.

stay safe and dont hurt yourself too badly

emma ***

Re: can't cut deep enough
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 14 02:17:41 2001 (#10382)

u could be me, i feel every thing what u just wrote! dont feel alone hun, oh im lindsey or ( linzee) theres 2 lindsey on the board so i spell my name Linzee. anywhos becareful!

Emm!
Posted by Angelica on Fri Sep 14 00:35:26 2001 (#10378)

Hi babe, could you please leave your e-mail address, or e-mail me and I'll reply asap. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema xxx also known as Angelica

lean on me!
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 14 01:37:40 2001 (#10379)

i have something for all of u to read...there lyrics from a song im sure u've all heard, but this how i feel about u guys, im here for u ANYTIME-day or nite!

*********************** **************

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain We all have sorrow But, if we are wise We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong

And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long, till I'm gonna need

Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride, if I have things You need to borrow For no one can fill, those of your needs That you won't let show

You can call on me brother when you need a hand We all need somebody to lean on I just might have a problem, that you'll understand We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong

And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long, till I'm gonna need

Somebody to lean on

You can call on me brother when you need a hand We all need somebody to lean on I just might have a problem, that you'll understand We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load, you have to bear That you can't carry I'm right up the road, I'll share your load If you just call me...call me If you need a friend....call me If you need a friend....If you ever need a friend Call me....Call me....

Re: lean on me!
Posted by Lindsey on Fri Sep 14 04:55:43 2001 (#10386)

I've always hated that song, still do, but it does make sense.

dumb
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 14 01:46:54 2001 (#10380)

i made the dumbest thing im my whole life, and i dont want to cut over it( well kinda) but im more down and depressed then ever! i tolled my therpist that i thought maybe cutting deeper and that i started to cut deep, and she said well in that case u will need to be hosptialized ( she said i wasnt mad enough that i had to be put in bed) but then she said i want u to promise u'll get ur mom as soon as u cut really deep and ask her to take u to cheo( thats what the hospital is called here) and i said i cant do that sorry then she said lindsey im going to tell ur mom to take u there after our session is done if u dont promise me that u dont cut deep ( on monday img oing to cheo for an appointment with me new"team" thats going to help me) but argh i duuno she said i have to tell the pppl wheni see then on monday but i dont even know those PPL! AHHHHHHHH, im so dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumbdumbdumbdumbdumbdumbdumbdu mbdumb

im so sorrrry plz read this to!
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 14 01:50:12 2001 (#10381)

sorry some of that makes no sense!!!!! i just read it over, she said to promise her for the weekend that i dont cut deep, and i ment taht cutting deeper would work better! so sorry!

Re: im so sorrrry plz read this to!
Posted by emm on Fri Sep 14 18:09:10 2001 (#10389)

linzee. your not dumb. ok so hospital maby scary but i suppose it might help. i can see where your comming from. its really scary and horrible. hang in there and email me if you need me,

emma ***

Re: dumb
Posted by Lindsey on Fri Sep 14 04:53:16 2001 (#10385)

Linds, hun, you're not dumb. I've made that mistake too, and trust me - it'll work out.

About Tara and her Mother Ronda
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 14 03:45:05 2001 (#10383)

Tara's Mom, Rhoda, e-mailed me and said to tell every hello and ask for your prayers. They learned that someone they know was at the Pentagon, and they have had no word about him. Her attention and emotions are geared toward this tragedy and she trusts that you all will understand when she takes a break from the board for a few days.

She is a real trooper, carrying for all of us so much, now we need to uphold her and our nation with our prayers.

I'm not about to say not to flood her parents computer with e-mail, each of us has to follow our own hearts. But I think that as Americans, or citizens of free nations we could use this tragedy to reflect on our own lives and see if we could help to make it easier on both Rhonda and Linda, who is also very overwhelmed by this tragedy, by taking positive steps toward healing our lives.

These two women are non cutters, and they read our posts and share of themselves in bearing our pain and giving us shoulders to pour our grieve out upon. It takes a lot of inner strength as well as a lot of love to do what they do.

Nuni is another one, only she is one who has her own issues, while at the same time working for our government. NUNI, God Bless you is this time of added stress. May He grant you peace as you serve our country in this time of stress. Love Dawn

Thank you for all you do Dawn
Posted by Nuni on Fri Sep 14 20:38:41 2001 (#10390)

Thank you so much. There is a possibility that I may get placed on a ship. I am 28 years old and I have been training for situations similar to this for 8 years, of course not knowing who the bad guy is makes more complicated. But being part of the most powerful Navy in the world I can say this, there is going to be a HUGE ASS kicking for someone. Thanks again for having me in your thoughts and prayers.

Re: Thank you for all you do Dawn
Posted by Sharon on Fri Sep 14 22:04:55 2001 (#10392)

Dawn, thanks for letting us know how Rhonda's doing. Nuni, my prayers are with you, and if you do have to go to administer that ass kicking, I'm proud of you and I say with my state governor, "Let's bomb the hell outta them."

hugs,

Sharon

*deep, deep, DEEP sigh of relief*
Posted by Lindsey on Fri Sep 14 04:50:53 2001 (#10384)

I woke up early Tuesday and saw it all happen on the Today show. I didn't cry or anything. I guess I didn't know how to react, but at 9:00 when I saw that a plane crashed into the Pentagon my heart stopped. My sister, Missy, works three block from the Pentagon, and her husband, Shaun, works in the Pentagon as a high ranking officer in the US Military and has a high position with the NSA. He was in the Pentagon when the plane hit.

It's not until three, six hours later!, that I find out Missy, Shaun, and Alex [my nephew] are all fine and under strict military protection in their DC home. Missy wishes to come home to Iowa but is not allowed because she's a linguist for the NSA, and can speak every language, so she is vital to all this. Shaun leaving DC is totally out of the question. I'm not sure what he does for the NSA, but it must be pretty big. Missy calls me every day telling me she made dinner for three secret service men the night before, and that she watches them escort her husband out of the house every morning at four AM.

Re: *deep, deep, DEEP sigh of relief*
Posted by Maggie on Fri Sep 14 09:02:03 2001 (#10388)

You do have a very interesting family. I'm very happy to hear that Missy, Shaun and Alex are safe.

Stay safe yourself, Maggie.

Re: *deep, deep, DEEP sigh of relief*
Posted by sara on Fri Sep 14 23:37:04 2001 (#10394)

yes...i can feel that sign as well. my father is head of the national intelligence agency in indiana. yes, when it happened our world stoped. he's not in d.c right now but MANY of his workers and friends where in the pentagon and several are still missing. so he flew out there today so we can only hope its all ok, he too left with the secret service and a breifcase handcuffed to his wrist. it was kind of scary, my dad was supposed to be there this week, but he wasn't. like it was supposed to be that way. hope everything works out for you

sara

?I'm wondering why you harm yourselves
Posted by Dawm on Sat Sep 15 09:20:28 2001 (#10396)

It is wonderful that your loved ones are safe. But what about you. Bottom line is that cutting, burning, and all the other ways of SI are physical attacks on our bodies. Why do we give our give ourselves permission to wage war on our bodies?

Did you see that chick on the Travel Channel?
Posted by Lindsey on Fri Sep 14 05:02:29 2001 (#10387)

I was reading the posts I‘ve missed and I saw the one Amanda posted, "crying blood and bleeding tears," and I just remembered seeing on the Travel Channel, "Curious World" I believe it was on, a girl that cried tears on glass. REAL glass.

Indeed this has nothing to do with anything; it just popped in my head and thought I'd share that freaky fact.

name change
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Sat Sep 15 02:23:54 2001 (#10395)

hi i am the only living boy in new york but i thgink that name is kinda innapropriate at this moment in time so i don't want to offend anyone. i'm still the same person

:) andy

Re: name change
Posted by linzee on Sat Sep 15 14:04:32 2001 (#10397)

oke doke!!!!!!!!

Re: name change
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Sep 16 03:15:04 2001 (#10400)

Hey Andy, I like the new name. Thanks for writing me. It meant a lot. Tara and I are both fine. She is ready to go in the army and kick some ass!! (HA!HA!) Love, Rhonda

together....now?!
Posted by heather on Sun Sep 16 00:00:20 2001 (#10398)

Hey i know i dont come very often and many of you dont know who i am..but im gonna say this anyways..b/c i think it is important to say.

This past tuesday our lives were changed whether you want to admit to it or not...and i really find it sad that it took all those lives to make us realize how far apart we have been pulled away from each other and God!!! But never the less i still love you all and even tho i dont know them i love the people that were lost in NY & DC...that is why i came here to ask that for at least one day forget about your own pain and pray for the families that are in pain themselvs. Pray for all the children that have lost a mommy or daddy. and pray for those still alive but not found yet. But most of all pray for the horrible pethetic human being that thought up this plan to murder our family(america)...pray that maybe he will see what a terrible thing they have done!!! Thank you and God bless our country...and you!! God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalms 46:1

**HEATHER**

Re: together....now?!
Posted by emm on Sun Sep 16 10:47:56 2001 (#10402)

Very well said. you have a heart of gold and im sure that our prayers will be answered. emma***

Thanks to all!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Sep 16 03:13:04 2001 (#10399)

Hi guys, It's me. Sorry about being gone for a few days. I had to take some time and collect my thoughts. We've found out our friend wasn't there that day, thank GOD!! Some of you have emailed me and it really made my day. You know who you are. I especially want to thank Dawn. She had lifted me up for the last few days and she will never know how much that means to me. I hope everyone on this board will take time to thank her for her courage and time that she spends in trying to help you. She is truly an angel in my eyes. This thing has been really hard on me as I am a very emotional person. It takes me back to the bombing in OKC 6 years ago. I hope you all continue to bear with me and know that I am thinking of all of you and praying you are doing okay. Please continue to pray for all the victims and their families. No one has any idea how hard this is on them. Guess I'll go for now. I still enjoy hearing from anyone so you can still write me. My prayers are with all of you and for all of America. GOD bless all of us! Love, Rhonda

What to think?
Posted by Sistinas on Sun Sep 16 07:05:38 2001 (#10401)

I SI, and I have a friend who SIs too. I didn't tell her I did SI until she came forward about her SI. Now, she's telling everyone that I only do it to copy her. It's really hurt me that she'd say this, especially behind my back.

What should I think? What should I do?

Re: What to think?
Posted by emm on Sun Sep 16 10:55:20 2001 (#10403)

hia. this is only my point of veiw but i think that you should tell her how much this is hurting you. if she was a true friend then she would understand that pain and greif your going through. i sertainly do and think its terrible for her to do that to you.

as for the comments of others. tell them that SI is not something you do as a trend set or because you think its cool. its a lot more than that. it doesnt matter if they dont belive you because untill they themselves are in the same position will they understand what its like.

i'll be here if you need me. send me a post or and email.

lots love emma ***

Re: What to think?
Posted by jes on Mon Sep 17 00:13:28 2001 (#10406)

i agree, you need to let her, and others, know that it isnt just something you do to look 'cool' or to get attention or anyhting like that, it is a real problem wiht real causes and you need support, not ridicule or rejection. love jes xx

Re: What to think?
Posted by Nuni on Mon Sep 17 06:27:51 2001 (#10408)

Yeah.. you tell her. like everyone else said. if this person were your friend she would not pass judgement upon you. What we all go through is different but THE SAME. Perhaps she needs to reevaluate her reason for coming out as an SI'er too.

EVERYONE PLEZ READ
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 16 23:30:08 2001 (#10405)

I want you all to read another post. It is under : "A CUTTER IS WHO I AM NOT WHAT I DO. I got started writing and couldn't stop. Some of you apollogize when you write a couple of paragraphs as if you are taking time away from others. But the truth is when you are writing you are releasing emotions, thoughts, and ideas that need to be released. Please stop apollogizing for that. What you say is important..... yes even you VOICE OF REASON and all those others who stir us up. sometimes your words seems awful and we get angry, our feelings get hurt, but sometimes those stirring words help us down the line. Plez everyone read. i was a cutter, now I'm stopping (or whatever thing I titled it) I don't remember all I said, But I do know it is very important. Email me your responses because I may not be on the board for a few days. my health is not good. Hugs

Cecelia
Posted by erica on Mon Sep 17 06:26:10 2001 (#10407)

Hey Cecilia, Haven't heard from ya in a while and I'm hoping everything is okay. I just want to let you know that I'm thinking about you and I'm hoping you haven't hurt yourself too badly.

Stay safe

Erica:o)

emm...
Posted by jen on Mon Sep 17 11:37:06 2001 (#10409)

hi emm you probably dont remeber me. i have only posted a few times. neways, i jst wanted to say welcome back and i am glad you are ok. when you first came back i was gone on vacation, when i got back and saw your name and figured out it was you i was relieved. so ya enough of my rambling. lol. welcome back

luv jen

For Emm!
Posted by Angelica on Mon Sep 17 17:00:31 2001 (#10411)

I'm really sorry, but I accidently deleted your e-mail before I had a chance to read it. Do you have a copy saved on your computer? If so, could you please e-mail me another copy? Thanx. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema xxx

Goodbye : (
Posted by Linda on Mon Sep 17 21:20:53 2001 (#10412)

I am so sorry to be leaving but I am cutting off my internet access. I will still have email through the address listed on this post. I have made so many friends on this site. This has been a very memorable experience in so many ways. But all good things must come to an end. I hope to hear that all of you have found the peace that you wish for. I would love to hear from any that wish to keep me posted. My prayers are with you all!!

Re: Goodbye : (
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 18 01:59:13 2001 (#10417)

I'm sorry to see you go Linda. We didn't talk that much, but I've always enjoyed reading what you had to say. You're a very wise woman. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

I'm back. sorry...
Posted by *poison on Mon Sep 17 22:47:04 2001 (#10413)

hi, i'm back i havent been here in about a week because i cut kinda bad (...only 26 stitches but enough for my parents to flip) and i was sent to a psych. hospitial...AGAIN. oh well. but i suppose i'm supposed to have family therapy now etc. and today when my dad got there to pick me up we already started fighting! all because he wouldn't let me see my own bloodwork. i just wanted to look at the paper to see what was high on it. and he's like "NO, the doctor handed it to ME." and i was just like...WTF the Blood Came from ME... so i dunno, but FINALLY!!! my therapist got my parents to accept but not approve of my cutting. it's about damn time! i feel like shit. i can't stop crying. just any little thing sets me off. *sigh* i hate hospitials, they get your hopes up too much, and then you go home just to have them shattered once more....yet the food is so much better!!!

~Amanda~

P.s. i'll catch up with all the messages from the past week ASAP. :) i hope you all have a good day.

Re: I'm back. sorry...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 18 02:04:29 2001 (#10418)

Hi Amanda, I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Maybe your therapist can talk to your parents more and help them understand. I hope your days are better in the coming days.(That sounds funny!) Anyway, email me if you want to. I'd also be willing to talk to your parents if you and your therapist think it would help them any. Maybe coming from a parent's point of view would make them understand better. Let me know. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm back. sorry...
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 18 02:25:42 2001 (#10420)

o hun are u feeling better? i hope so im here for u if u need me! e-mail me!

Re: I'm back. sorry...
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 18 21:48:20 2001 (#10430)

yeay!!!! your back. i was worried. you poor poor darling. dont cry.i love you no matter what. anyway parents never understand. im sooooo glad to haer from you..... youve got to think that its good that your out at least and not locked away. ive been trying to email you but its not working...so thats why i havent replyed but i would like to keep in touch....

ahhhh im sooo glad to see you. ok ive said that. anyway do be upset coz i care about you and then i get upset too. anyway. i will speak to you soon.email me. lots of love and hugs emma **

Re: I'm back. sorry...
Posted by *Poi§on on Wed Sep 19 01:14:39 2001 (#10435)

Hey, thankz a lot you guyz, i have so much on my mind, i went back to school today and people who know me and used to be my friends just HAD to tell everyone why i wasn't in school, even if i didn't tell them where i was. and i keep thinking about what my psychiatrist at the hospitial said about me having PTSD but i don't know what about! he doesn't know what about but there's something. just to think that something would be bothering my mind that bad for me to forget so much. i always joked about how something really bad could have happened to me because i dissociate a lot...like today...i couldn't remember what i had for my 5th period class, or that i even took that class at all! i just felt so crazy and so helpless.i jsut have to get through the next 2 years, that's all i keep telling myself. then i can go and live on my own, and not worry about parents sending me to hospitals, getting me a babysitter at 15, a whole bunch of therapists, psychiatrists, groups, and every other thing they can think of to make them feel better of themselves. to make them look like good responsible parents. like when i was leaving the hospital the very SECOND we stepped out of the psychiatrist's door after he said i could go home we already began arguing. i wanted to look at my bloodwork papers that the hosp. handed to my dad, and he's like "NO, they handed it to ME" and i was like Fine! he handed the perscription to ME! oh did he get pissed....i hate it, and i really don't want to piss him off just because he gets me upset but sometimes the things he does are so pointless i just have to. so when i went to get my stuff i came out with my arms full, and he wouldnt let me carry ANY OF IT, i was like I can hold things you know! and once we were in the elevator i was like, i have 2 arms, i can handle my own stuff, and he's like "well..that's..." and i was just like WHAT!? going to make u look bad!?! and he's like....no...it's just pointless.. i was like i can ask for help if i need it. and he's like SURE YOU CAN. it's just like FUCK YOU thankz so much for all your love and support. i don't think i will ever understand my parents. i'm just trying to get past these next 2 years, because i'm trying to graduate my junior year, (11th grade) i forget what it's called in england. just that way i can go off to college early and just get away from it all! i dunno... maybe i'm putting too much hope in having things get at least a little better when i leave. but at least it keeps me alive.

~Amanda~

p.s. sorry about all the "likes" i say that a lot when i get pissed :)

....
Posted by *me* on Tue Sep 18 00:14:01 2001 (#10415)

I want to die. I am sooo not capable of handling everything right now. I want to make everything go away. Oh God. How can I make everything go away w/o dying?

Re: ....
Posted by little fairy on Tue Sep 18 00:31:47 2001 (#10416)

i wish i knew what to tell you. i wish i knew for myself. just try to hang in there. do whatever you need to do to cope and not die. i wish i had more to say. more that could help. but things must get better...they must. right? take care love, the little fairy

Re: ....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 18 02:06:49 2001 (#10419)

Please calm down honey. Write me if you want too. I'm slowly getting back on the board. Do you know why you're so upset? Please write to me. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: ....
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 18 22:29:56 2001 (#10431)

hello!!! glad to hear from you. dont be sad i care about you so much. and i dont want you to be sad and upset. especially dead. i dont know quite what to say bar that i dont want to see you hurt.talk to me so as i can help you. email me.

lots and lots of hugs and kisses, emma****

try to breathe
Posted by Alana on Tue Sep 18 03:30:48 2001 (#10421)

I try to breathe. Memories overtaking me. I try to face them, but the thought is too much to concieve.

Open your eyes and start naming what you see
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 18 05:11:04 2001 (#10422)

When memories cross the line it is best to ground yourself in the present. I know the how, but I didn't do it. I let the memories overtake me. But not anymore. Now I'm ready to fight for my life. Fight for your's tool With your eyes open name something you see, something you feel, something you smell, something you hear, and if you can something you taste.

Go through this process at least 5 times. You should me be into the present by then. It works if you want it to.

LINDA ASKED ME TO STICK AROUND
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 18 05:31:09 2001 (#10423)

She said I'm needed here. I know a few of you read my post. Some think what I say helps them, others just like to stir things up.

If I'm going to stay its because God wants me to. I could not do it in my strength alone. Its too hard. I let the stories sink into my heart, and I feel what others are feeling, and soon I am in the pit with them.

I don't like the pit. Its dark, cold, and I feel all alone, and every minute in the pit is like an eternity.

I'm 49 and my body feels like eighty. It takes a lot of energy getting myself to doctors offices, especially since I know I'm facing more surgeries.

It is almost funny. I used to cut on myself several times a day, and got stitched up once every week of so. But I've had 10 surgeries in the last 4 years, and am facing two more in the near future, and the more I have the harder it is on my mind before them. I'm not afraid of losing my life. I don't think I would be so lucky. Its just such a hassel getting the ok from the insurance companies and the check ups.

Anyway I don't know how much help I will be but if you all want me to stay let me know and I will make my decision

Your presence here is indeed a good thing
Posted by Amanda on Tue Sep 18 17:15:27 2001 (#10427)

Dawn, every post of yours that i have read has been so full of love and true hope that your presence could be nothing but a good thing. even though i do not share your religouse beliefs i can see how much it helps you to be strong and help each of us here and that is what we need. the only way to get through what we all experience is to find strength and Dawn, you have. i am so glad that you have the strength you find in god. as in a way it helps me to see that it IS possible. Thank you dawn, and i hope you stay as long as you can here.

Love and Hope Amanda

dawn....dont go!
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 18 22:41:17 2001 (#10432)

nooo. dont go, your words of inspiration give me hope. it lets me know that no matter what i can get through this. you bring hope and comfort into the lives of many. your faith and trust is somthing long search for in this world and a pleasure to see. i belive and trust every word you say.

you have a heart of gold and a strong will to go with it. every time i read your posts i sit and think to myself.....i can achieve so much if i trust god and belive in myself.

ive been to many a person searching for security,forgiveness,andhelp and you are the only person how can fill all three spaces.

i can force you to stay but always know that you have a friend, an admirer and a folower.

i will always remember you words of advise. i will always look up to you. i will alway be a friend to you, and i will miss you if you go.

love you lots.... emma ****

Re: LINDA ASKED ME TO STICK AROUND
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Sep 19 01:20:13 2001 (#10436)

See Dawn, I knew that people still read your posts and listen to you. You have the ability to really understand them and now they are asking for you to stay. Please don't let a few frighten you away cause the Lord knows you have work to do. These young people look up to you and can count on you to try and help them. You've helped me also, just by being you. I love you like a sister and I hope you decide to stay. Take care of yourself. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: LINDA ASKED ME TO STICK AROUND
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 19 14:48:38 2001 (#10441)

STAY!!!! Your posts do help, soo much! i just wanted to say that you are loved here by soo many people and if you feel that it wont be a bad thing for you, then i think that everyone on here would love you to stay. love jes xx

(P.S. I just read one of your responses to one of my posts and my response to that, and i just wanted to say SORRY. my response was really, whats the word??, sarcastic and like i didnt value what you said. and i did. im sorry. i didnt mean to sound like that. humph.

Re: LINDA ASKED ME TO STICK AROUND
Posted by *me* on Wed Sep 19 22:55:34 2001 (#10452)

Dawn ya gotta stay!!!! Please?

Protest
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 18 05:37:26 2001 (#10424)

I was writing an email today and was talking about why I cut and how I had said it was about controling something. Then I wrote that I was protesting my memories, my feelings, the stress other people put on me..... and it was a WOW thing.

Think about it yourself and let me know if it is just a thing about me or does the idea ring true for you.

Re: Protest
Posted by Nuni on Tue Sep 18 07:01:23 2001 (#10425)

I loved your email. I agree. The pain is so great at times and you dont know why. But its true with the form of SI you protest the ugliness inside or whatever is plaguing you. Like what is happening in the USA... But we dont have to protest that on our skin.. not forever.

Well what do i do now???
Posted by Amanda on Tue Sep 18 17:07:20 2001 (#10426)

i have had a really screwed up last few days. on friday my b/f and i had an argument and we were on the phone so he hung up on me which really pissed me off. then i called him back and he wouldnt speak to me. then afterwards i went to my room and cut, quite a few times. so thats 3 months thrown away AGAIN!!!! then when i told my b/f he was really upset, and i have hurt him so much in the past and i hate doing it. no matter what happens i end up hurting him. his life is going haywire right at the mo so he dont need me messing it up any more. and he keeps saying to me that he doesnt know if we should go out anymore as hes 17 and im 15 and in the UK im under age for sex.(he has been wrongly accused of rape and he dont want it to happen again) so he keeps bringing it up and i have told him its up to him, coz he would be the one to get in shit with the police, but he says its up to me. i just cant cope with making a decision like that, i want to stay with him coz i love him with all my heart, but i dont want him to get in trouble. he loves me and everything he just doesnt want to go through what happened three years ago. Anyway i spoke to him on saturday and we sorted out fridays argument, and we were just chatting and he wanted to know what my wildest fantasy is and i didnt want to tell him coz its personal to me, and so he got all stroppy with me about that and hung up on me again. and i couldnt even try to call him back coz my mum wouldnt let me. so i tried to call him last night(sunday) and he wasnt in. and im really worried about him coz he started cutting a while back and he had a court case today coz he broke someones nose, and im really worried that he'll cut and i just dont want him to end up like me. i CANT stop, i try and try and try and try but i just dont get any where. i almost feel like giving up and just living my life doing this to myself. but if i did that then i would hurt so many people, i cant talk to anyone anymore, not my mum, not my sister, not anyone. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

i hate myself soooo much sometimes. Well thanx 4 listening guys. i just had to get all that out.

Love and Hope to you all Amanda

Amanda, no one can tell you what to do now, sorry
Posted by Amanda on Wed Sep 19 05:53:31 2001 (#10437)

You live in your body, you make the choices you make each day, and life is that each of us reap what we sow according to those choices.

I don't want to anger you, but the story you told about when your b/f hung up on you and wouldn't take your calls back and you went and cut on your own body. It sounds "to me" that you were trying to get back at him, and in a way blamed him for it.

We cutters get told time and again that our cutting is a manipulative behavior, and the scenerio you told was a good illustration of just that.

I have got mad at my b/f or one of my children and instead of telling them I was angry with them I cut myself. But I cut myself because I chose to. They did not make me cut. I was responsible TOTALLY "me".

You are a teenager and all teenagers have to make the choice whether or not they are going to have sex or not, and in which relationships they have it in. I hope you do not get it in your head that if you want to keep this b/f you need to "PUT OUT". That is not LOVE. That too is manipulation.

Another thing is that laws about when children engage in sex is because at young ages children, which includes teenagers are not fully aware of the long term conscequences of what bringing sexual contact into a relationship involves. It is more than STDs, and unwanted pregnancies. it effects the whole relationship. With most females it is a bonding thing and with most males it is just "sex". And when you "put out" sooner than you are emotionally or mentally ready you open the door to more heartache than you can ever imagine at such a young age.

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I LIVED It!!!!!!

hope that helped Love Dawn

Re: Amanda, no one can tell you what to do now, so
Posted by jes on Wed Sep 19 15:00:09 2001 (#10442)

amanda, i don't know what you should do about ur boyfriend, thats not for me to say, but i was just wondering when you are going to be 16? because if it isnt too long away, then it wont be too long b4 you wont be breaking the law. i dont know what else to say other than be careful and :) k, im done now. take care love jes xx

Dawn and Jes
Posted by Amanda on Wed Sep 19 19:21:18 2001 (#10443)

Thank you both for replying. i dont know exactly why i posted that message, i just had to say all that stuff coz it was going round and round in my head. Dawn, i dont blame my b/f for me cutting i could never do that. i totally blame myself coz i know i could have stopped myself at any time. i know that the law is there for very good reason but i feel inside myself that i am ready for it, and i was when it happened. but i just dont want my b/f to understand where i am coming from. Jes i am 16 next september, i have just had my 15th birthday. Anyways thank you both for listening, it was a stupid thing to post but here was the only place to get those thoughts out of my head.

Love and Hope to you both. Amanda

Re: Well what do i do now???
Posted by necrostix on Thu Sep 20 04:14:15 2001 (#10459)

difficult this obviously - as Jess has said - when are you 16? is there a distinction between you & him going out & you having sex coz obviously you can go out & do everything but sex & he's older & the one with the greater responsibility so I think he has to be more decisive in this dilemma. I personally don't agree with legal ages that entitle you to have sex because people mature at completely oblique rates - but it seems strange he'd risk it after he's been accused of rape previously - with you turning 16 within the year

Keep talking with him, hopefully things will become clearer xx love x

just for the record, not all guys only want sex - but even if most do, try & ascertain what is in it for both of you - talk about it. & if you differ in your needs don't kill each other over it, natural instinct obeys no reason, but it can be sublimated to please you both xx

i started to type and this is what came out
Posted by dyingtodie on Tue Sep 18 19:04:58 2001 (#10429)

Somethings got a hold of me Gripping at my soal It has a hold on my mind Distorting how i think Reality is far from me Nowhere to run in hide I can't disclose these feelings any longer I must let them free Shimmering objects twisted metal Blood flowing over my hands Relief is a gift that comes with a price A life long scar to keep me grounded Somethings got a hold of me An addiction to the pain A need to feel Only relieved by physical pain Walking in numbness Blinded by the world Stuck in my own reality Somethings got a hold of me Its that mangaled shell My body in constant motion My mind dying to stop Crying through the blood Bleeding through the tears Somethings got a hold of me

Re: i started to type and this is what came out
Posted by *me* on Tue Sep 18 23:59:36 2001 (#10433)

That was really good. Thank you.

Re: i started to type and this is what came out
Posted by divingmermaid on Wed Sep 19 20:01:20 2001 (#10445)

I think this pretty much hits the point. Good writing!

Not a problem
Posted by Sharon on Wed Sep 19 00:40:26 2001 (#10434)

I'm not a problem. It's taken me the longest time to realize that. When I grew up, my church's mentality was that if one prayer didn't fix you, there was something wrong with you, you were rebelling against God, etc. That's one reason I started cutting, I hide to hide my depression, my bad self image. I couldn't let anyone know what was going on or else I'd be a "problem". Well, I realize now, I HAVE problems, I'm NOT a problem. They can say whatever they want, and I'm sure they have since I left, but the problem isn't me. Before, I kept thinking, I gotta change this, I gotta change ME, but it never worked because no matter how far I ran, I took me along for the ride. Now I know that this doesn't have to define me, that having a problem isn't who I am. It's a part, but it's not me. Anyway, thought you guys should know about my little epiphany! I got it in math class of all places! LOL, take care.

hugs,

Sharon

You are absolutly right, good for you!
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 19 06:29:19 2001 (#10438)

Sharon, one day something like that happened to me. But mine was I AM NOT MY ABUSE! I typed out this long statement that I am not my abuse. I did not want sex. I resisted.... and on and on. Then I typed it in bold and took it to a print shop and enlarged it, then enlarged the enlarged copy until it was a giant poster and I took it home and pinned it to the wall. It was so empowering.

As far as your problem with your church's beliefs I agree with you that they are erroneous. In the Bible it talks about persistance in praying at times. During the time that Christ walked this earth he laid hands of people and they were healed. Some he only had to say the word and they were healed. But many people are not healed immediately, and their problems do not just miraculously go away.

Take me for example. Jesus has been my best friend since before I could say "brother" correctly, yet I grew up with a mean, cruel mother, my father was sexually abusing my oldest sister long before I came around, and many awful things happened to me and I became a cutter. Some people have wanted to "cast demons" out of me. Others, have prayed with and for me for years. I've been anointed with oil too many times to count. And while I still have problems, I am still a child of God.

In fact I do not know of anyone, believer or non believer who doesn't have problems. Do YOU? Does anyone"

We are people. Problems are problems. Love heals people. People deal with problems everyday. Some problems are fixable and some are left behind for someone else to deal with. It sounds to me that the people in your church created a problem in your life that only the love of Jesus Christ can heal. Its called inner healing and he loves to be asked to do the work no one else can do. I'll be praying for your inner healing.

Re: Not a problem
Posted by divingmermaid on Wed Sep 19 19:52:22 2001 (#10444)

Hi Sharon! I think you are right. The church mentality who blames the person if she or he is not healed immediately is absolutely wrong. How many faithful christians who pray for healing would be rebelling against God if that was true! Claiming that there must be something wrong with you if you are not healed quickly is trying to force God to act immediately. I have heard that called "name it and claim it" theology and I think it is wrong. (My opinion) I am glad that you are not putting yourself under such a pressure anymore. I sometimes wonder why God does not heal immediately though. I so much wish he would. Christina

I'm not as strong as some think
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 19 07:02:17 2001 (#10439)

Today 2 very specific, no 3, specific flashbacks hit me all at once. And I used the grounding technique I advised someone else to use just yesterday, and by golly it worked.

But now the memories are haunting me. But I was telling, Paul, my boyfriend/neighbor about how much different I am now than when the assaults happened to me.

It was totally out of character for me to make a scene back then. My mother demanded, and enforced the attitude of no scene making upon all us girls (4 in all) but it never stopped her from making one. And when I was molested and raped in the presence of others without the others having an inkling of what was happening to me right in front of them it was because my prepatrators were telling me, in my ear not to make a scene, not to move a muscle, not to make a sound..... and I never did. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to be punihed. I didn't want anyone to know-- not even myself.

But I'm not that passive any longer. I tell you I will fight, scream, bite, and maim. And as you all know "I TELL" I will not be silent anymore.

That's growth, recovery and strength... but when it comes to remembering I weaken I want to cut.

I want to cut to stop the flaskbacks, to stop the memories, to punish me for being silent all the years before my mental breakdwon. I'm actually glad I had a mental breakdown. It changed me life. It made me a surviver and no longer a victim.

But when I cut I'm the victim again. I want to cut right now. But my thumb hurts and is swollen to much to put it in a pain of scissor finger holes. And cutting with blades only makes lines on my arms.

I'm going to take my antidepressants, a couple more valium and muscle relaxers and go to bed. My head is splitting.

I hate headaches. Sometimes they last for months, one even lasted for an entire year...I am not exagerating. After the year was over the doctor took me off almost all my meds for a while the slowly put me back on many of the important one I take like for blood pressure, cholesterol..etc. Good nite/// i hope

Re: I'm not as strong as some think
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 20 00:48:32 2001 (#10455)

I think you're strong enough for you. I also think you're very strong in helping others. I'm glad you decided to stay. You mean a lot to people on this board. Me included! Hope your headache goes away soon, I know how those are. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

Don't give up its not worth it!
Posted by Jenny on Wed Sep 19 12:47:14 2001 (#10440)

Hi, I just wanted to tel people who think of giving up that its not wort it. I've come through it all right after 2 years of pain and tourcher im here! I cut my self tried to kill my self and I go noticed! once I had told people about it I got want I wanted to be happy and I am now! I cut my self everyday for 7 months and now my arns are covered in scars, I ask myself was it worth it? and the answer is yes ive got through my pain and Im as happy as Ive ever been. Its like I have started andnew life after I look and overdose. Its a fresh start It did start off rocky but it can only get better!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny. P.S please reply i would love to know your thoughts on my life!

Thanks
Posted by divingmermaid on Wed Sep 19 20:16:50 2001 (#10446)

Hi Jenny! It helps to hear that things will get better one day. I have got this patient (I am a district nurse) who is 44 years old (ten years older than me) and she tried to kill herself about 15 years ago. Because of that she is now paralised in a wheelchair and the thing ist that she is not depressed anymore now she is quite a happy person depite her handicap although of course she finds it hard. I mean she has to live with the consequences not knowing that things might get better(of course one does not realise it in that moment). It really made me think and hope because lately I really wanted to kill myself but I am feeling a bit better now. Christina

maby theres hope for me out there
Posted by emm on Wed Sep 19 22:23:28 2001 (#10448)

hia. im emma**** mmmm...where shall i start. ive been cutting for about 4 1/2 years now. wow that long! ummmm. i overdosed about 4 months ago and i was sectioned for 6 weeks and ive just got out. im glad im out and free again - the hospital was horrible and when i got out i could barely walk as i was confined to my room (cell) anyway.....i still cut everyday but not as deep as to nedd stitches like before. before i needed stitching at least every 2-3 days! no my skin is too scared and tough to be able to cut that deep- ive tryed. so now i just cut as best i can.... about 100 times is usually ok....it was about 200 before.hmmmmm i duno..i would love someone to talk to but i just find it soooo hard to the point where its been clased as a mental condition - social phobia. but i would love to just speak my mind, be happy, enjoy life and not feel like bursting into tears all the time. that would be great. i'll be of now coz ive spoken too much.

see you later. emma****

Re: maby theres hope for me out there
Posted by Jenny on Sun Sep 23 17:22:36 2001 (#10515)

Hey wait a minuit, 100 times a day theres no need for that well may be there is? I cut about 10-20 times a day and now non. can I ask how old you are and if you live in England? If you want You can talk to me I dont mind giving you my advice, "a friend in need id a friend indead?" life is too short for all the hate and pain. I wasnt sectioned but put on a childrens ward as it was the 1st time I had dont anything like this. Speak your mind everyone has the right?dont threy? ill listen Ill be there for you when you mneed me. In the local paper this week there was an artical about these babies that I was in hospital with they didnt have much of a life so im living it for them and trying to enjoy it. find a goal and try and make it work. I found when I fist stoped cutting it was a gradual process and when I couldnt cut I got a piece of paper and scribbled on it so hard it hurt, I cant draw, im useluss,try it you just may like it? do you go and see councillers? I did now im cutt off from all that but look im still ere! Its probabbly really cheaky of me to ask but what made you cut in the 1st place if you dont want to answer so everyone knows email me. lookin foward to a reply remember Im always ere for you love ya loads Jenny

Re: Don't give up its not worth it!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 20 00:55:03 2001 (#10456)

It's so good to see someone can make it through this. You are an inspiration to others. I hope you continue to do well, you deserve it. Everyone deserves to be happy, but some have to work for it. And you're right, it does start of rocky, but can get better and better. I know some of you probably won't believe it, but it's true. I pray that everyone will find the help and comfort they need and that all will come out okay in the end. Be happy Jenny! Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: Don't give up its not worth it!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Sep 20 07:23:31 2001 (#10461)

Jenny, I'm glad you are happy. It feels good to be happy. Like you I've attempted suicide many times, was flown in a life flight helicopter to a trauma hospital once, don't remember much about it though. But I'm over the overdosing, sometimes I medicate myself just to get away from physical pain or mental distress, but to be honest I have more happy days than sad ones.

But it has taken my whole life to get here. I expect one day I will be happy all the time.

Have a good life, Dawn

another day in the life of lindsey
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 19 22:10:42 2001 (#10447)

so anyways another thing in lindsey no so wonderfull life, i went to the hospital for that appt i had and they want me back in a week from now, if i dont want to go on meds my mom says there going to put me in the hosptial i dont believe her tho, what am i going to do sit there, like a lump on log? no i have school and stuff and i will NOT go to the hospital just b/c im a lil depressed

Re: another day in the life of lindsey
Posted by emm on Wed Sep 19 22:27:41 2001 (#10449)

you go girl!!! dont let them force you into anything. im glad your ok. im having a bad day but who cares.anyway....im glad your ok and that you survived the doctors orders...... i'll speak to you soon. lots of love emma***

Re: another day in the life of lindsey
Posted by Jenny on Wed Sep 19 22:29:05 2001 (#10450)

Hi, so where do you live? I havent read any of your other letters but now you have just said that I am really interested. so what is your story? i would love to tel you mine and share your experinces,I really think I could be good to talk to if you will open up 2 me u can always email me and we can have private chats! thanx love to hear from you.

for jenny
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 19 22:46:45 2001 (#10451)

i added u to my msn list!

Re: another day in the life of lindsey
Posted by necrosis on Thu Sep 20 01:02:37 2001 (#10457)

sorry, don't know your story - why won't you take the meds? Meds can really help - they did me. love x

update on how i am doing
Posted by Tara on Thu Sep 20 00:07:44 2001 (#10453)

hey guys,

i had some free time to write.i am doing ok i guess.i did not sleep good last night.i had some really bad dreams.i dreamed that my rapist shot me from the top of a building.i laid there still alive but no one came over to help me.they just walked by paying no attention.i wish these kind of dreams would stop.i wish i could forget being raped but i know that i won't.i still think sometimes that he will come back for me and finish me off instead of letting me live.sometimes its harder for me to live and death seems a lot better.i want death but then i don't.if you know what i mean.i could not leave my family and friends behind.it would be to painful.i love them so much.i would not trade my family for anything in this whole world.well i am gonna go.thanks for lisening to my problems.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: update on how i am doing
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 20 00:45:28 2001 (#10454)

Okay honey, We'll talk later on tonight!!!!(HA!HA!) I love you very much Tara. Love ya, Mom

Re: update on how i am doing
Posted by dave on Thu Sep 20 01:39:13 2001 (#10458)

really did hit me those 2 posts, you're very blessed to have a mother that you can talk too. Hope things get better for you soon. love is stronger than trauma, trauma fades, love doesn't.

Tara...there are ways to make the nightmares stop
Posted by Dawn on Thu Sep 20 08:01:04 2001 (#10462)

I understand your rapist is still in your area. That would be difficult for anyone. Having recurring dreams (nightmares) involving your rapist is common. Your fear is normal too.

I'm sure you've heard this all before. I used to have recurring dreams about every man who passed me reaching out and grabbing me. One night when I woke up from yet another one I cut where they grabbed. Needed stitches too. The next day I went to a novelty store and had the woman put the words Don't TOUCH me, on the shirt, and after about 3 days of wearing the shirt the nightmares stopped and have never came back.

Another thing, I was married to one of my rapist. We were together for 15 and 1/2 years. He terrorized me, telling me if I left him he'd hunt me down and kill me. After we were divorced the 2nd time he stalked me. I finally moved 5 hours from him. but still I lived in fear.

I started having recurring nightmares where he would be after me and I'd try to fly to safety but when I got to tired to fly and landed he was there. Finally I started talking about my nightmares and how I defended myself with butcher knives but he always got back up and came after me.

Then one night in my nightmare I called the police and told them he was after me and they came and took him into custody and the nightmares stopped.

I hope I haven't freaked people out telling these stories. I just want Tara and anyone else having recuring nightmares that you can do something to make them stop. And that surprisingly not only does the nightmares stop, but feelings of fear and issues with safety get better.

Recovery work is rarely easy, but if you decide to stop being the victim of them and change what you do in your nightmares as well as your lives change happens.

I've experienced the change God Bless All Of You Love Dawn

Bloody Razors Newsletter
Posted by sally_skelington69 on Thu Sep 20 06:17:30 2001 (#10460)

I've just started an SI newsletter. I was wondering if anyone might be interested in receiving it. If so, e-mail me!

Re: Bloody Razors Newsletter
Posted by linzee on Thu Sep 20 14:08:19 2001 (#10463)

i DO! i'll e-mail ya later tho! i g2g to schooL!

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