Personal Stories   Poetry   Pictures   Coping   FAQ's   Articles   Book Store

You are here: Home > Archive > Ratatosk.net Forum > Threads 2551 to 2600

Threads 2551 to 2600

fix me
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 5 01:04:22 2001 (#10159)

i think the angels are working over time to fix me, and i can feel it sometimes, sometimes i do feel happy, but then some times i feel so bad,

Re: fix me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Sep 5 01:48:03 2001 (#10167)

Keep thinking those thoughts Linzee. Angels are working on you. Life is a mixture of good and bad. Unfortantly there seems to be more bad than good a lot of times, but there are still angels around. I really believe that. I hope I don't make anybody mad for talking about angels. Stay safe and take care. Love, Rhonda

all my love linzee
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 5 01:09:07 2001 (#10160)

when ever one of u feels like killing them selfs, or just not living, look at these lyrics or download this song, its so true!

t feels so good to breathe the air Another spin around the sun On this spec of life in the universe the gift of love is there for everyone

Angels working overtime day or night to hold the hands that play all alone a baby's born pure to the world as the old man lays down his hand and closes his eyes with nothing said

every year another promise is made a pint of beer raised towards a better day lets find a star a star to call our own and make the wish maybe we can't make it home

ain't it good to be alive to feel the sun strong against your face strawberry blond waves of silky hair spills over me like the milky way

ain't it good to be alive ain't it good to be alive alive alive alive alive

ain't it good to breathe the air another spin around the sun on this spec of light in the universe a little peace of love in everyone

ain't it good to be alive ain't it good to be alive to feel the sun strong against your face spills over me like the milky way

alive alive alive alive alive

it does feel good to take a deep breath in and to have the sun on ur face, plz try to think of it, it helps me so maybe it'll help u!

all my love u guys linzee

Re: all my love linzee
Posted by *Poi§on on Wed Sep 5 01:15:59 2001 (#10162)

who is it by? and what is the name of the song? it's wonderful, truely remarkable.

~Amanda~

Re: all my love linzee
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 5 01:36:49 2001 (#10165)

o sorry lol, its by edwin its call alive.

Too concerned, or too stupid?
Posted by *Poi§on on Wed Sep 5 01:36:26 2001 (#10164)

this is what happened. i just got off of work on sunday, and my dad asks me if i had been cutting lately because i had been wearing long sleeves lately, so i said yes, because he would have made me show him my arms anyway...they somehow only check my arms when they know i do it on my legs and stomach too...and yeah i cut myself decently. and then he's like i think those need to be checked out by a doctor. and i'm like no, and he's like yes, we're going to the hospital. and i told him that there is nothing they can do because u can't get stitches after 8-24 hours, depending on the doctor you have. he's like well i want to make sure they aren't infected. and it was QUITE OBVIOUS that they weren't. but i was like ok whatever, because we went through this before and one of my old counselours or psychiatrists i don't remember which told him to just drag me there if he thinks i should go. so we got there and the place is packed, like people sitting on the floor and stuff. so after 5 hours of waiting we see the doctor who looks at them and thinks i'm crazy, then says to my dad the same thing i said. they aren't infected, and you can't get stitches after 24 hours. it just pisses me off. because my dad says that this is my "punishment" for cutting myself. and the doctor told him to remove all sharps from the house, so he has stuff locked up again, and made me give him ym razors. grrr, it just pisses me off. O well, i didn't give him ALL the razors. and to make things worse, we were talking and since i hadn't cut in a long time over the summer (3 months) he was like this is just a setback, we were expecting this sooner or later. and it's like...gee....thankz for all the support...i don't know what to do any more, at least at my mom's house i could yell and scream and get out my emotions..and there i cut because i had too many emotions and couldn't handle them, and here at my dad's i cut because he doesn't allow yelling, or anything, just "discussion" and i can't get out my feelings, like i'm not supposed to feel this way because my dad's dad was an alcoholic and he abused his mom and all his kids. and it's like yeah so? that's what you lived with, and you stand there and tell me this, when you weren't even there to know what I lived with. i lived with an alcoholic also, 2 of them, plus a bunch of drunk parties, plus a mother who was never home, and a grandmother who was my only source of love and she died. and being confused about many sexual experiences that happened when i was younger. and what was intentional and what wasn't. i don't know...but whenever my dad hears me say, i would like to be able to get my emotions out more like a real family, not like friggen robots, he's like "what you want me to smack you around like my father did!?" and it's like did i say that!?he always has to take things to the extreme, and it's not like he hasn't hit me. lol he used to be SO proud of Never spanking his children...heh...well how can he if he isn't there?! and he scared me and my sister so much we would od anything he asked of us. we would even stand perfectly still or massage his feet if he asked. but then there was the day he got pissed off at me for cutting and he hit me. and boy was i mad. all that week i answered him by "yes sir." to make him think he was his father. and i'm still scared that hw will hit me. or hurt me in some way. ...i'm sorry for rambling on like this but i just had to get a lot out.

~Amanda~

Re: Too concerned, or too stupid?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Sep 5 01:53:53 2001 (#10168)

Sounds like you needed to get that out. I hope you can eventually talk to your father again. Maybe he doesn't understand the need for you to yell and scream to release pressure. If I can do anything to help, let me know, okay? Please take care of yourself and email me if you feel like it. Love, Rhonda

Get It Out.....
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 5 06:16:58 2001 (#10170)

You can email me and do it in scream mode. I remember when my rage came up. I felt like I could tear up the world, and I wanted to scream and shout.

My therapist suggestes getting a plastic bat and beating on the trunk of a tree or on my bed. The tree got some hearty smacks until my neighbor ran into his apt frightened.

In my head I thought of buying old glassware and throwing it against concrete walls, but figured that would land me in the funny farm.

Then one night I took my trash out and threw it in the dumpster and I heard something break. I looked inside and there were burned out floursent bulbs so I started throwing things in and smashing them to smitherines. Then I felt powerful and free.

The point is, try many things. You'll find one that hits the spot. good luck Dawn

Re: Too concerned, or too stupid?
Posted by elle on Wed Sep 5 06:35:35 2001 (#10171)

wow, that sounds so much like my family except my parents are together so its all in one house, with one parent shes loud and the other is too reserved and shit. and living with a drug addict parent. geez, i know i shouldnt come here and yet i cant sleep and i dont know what else to do with myself

Re: Too concerned, or too stupid?
Posted by *Poi§on on Fri Sep 7 03:04:18 2001 (#10222)

Thank you guys for all your responses, it really helps me feel wanted here, and i love you hear your views on situations. and i really appreciate you listening to me, even when all i have to do is complain :)

~Amanda~

"water" by Holly McNarland
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 5 07:54:02 2001 (#10172)

"water", by holly mcnarland is an absolutely amazing song. It is sad, but it makes me feel better. Not so alone. It helps....

I lost my friend / near the water / she loved me / though she left me / she smiled, she kissed me / she walked away / I loved my friend, near the water /

I'll crouch beneath the boats / I'll learn to swim / when I fall asleep / I wanna die in water / crouch beneath the boats / I'll learn to swim / soon I'll have fins / I wanna die

And every time I turn around / ....

(I will finish later)

Für Ego
Posted by Maggie on Wed Sep 5 13:35:40 2001 (#10174)

Dein Englisch ist viel besser als mein Deutsch, aber ich finde es aufregend daß du mich verstehen kann :) Ich möchte auch sagen daß niemand zu alt ist, wenn man Unterstutzung sucht. Jedermann auf "Psyke" hat verschiedenen Probleme, Erlebnisse und alle hat versciendener Ziele deshalb sie Psyke besucht. Aber man findet immer Trost ihre Gedanke ubersprechen, besonders mit Leute, die dich nicht beurteilt werde. Du werdest vielleicht nichts Neues lernen, aber du werdest starker füllen, wenn du viele andere Leute sehen, die ihre Probleme wie dich fertig werden mit. (My German is very bad). Ich habe nicht 'SIed' seit schon 2 Monaten, und ich denke die Pause ständig ist. Wie dich,fand ich SI/Suicide annehmbar... und das ist wichtigest um diese Angewohnheit zu uberwinden. Wenn man etwas furchten, kann man nicht es konfrontieren. Ich habe auch nichts angefasst als ich meine Ader geschneidet, als ich meine Rippe mit einem Hammer geschlagt... Einmal ich hatte meine Angewohnheit angenimmt, war sie nicht mehr ein schlectes Geheimnis, und war ich nicht mehr beschämt. Die meisten von meinen Freunden haben meine Narbe gesehen. Ich meine daß du eine gute Einstellung hat, und du hast recht daß die Welt unfreundlich ist, und niemand kann es verändern. Aber da hast du unrecht zu denken du keine Hilfe braucht. Du brauchts jemand dir zuhören. Wenn du eine freundliche Zuhörerin möchtest, kannst du mir schrieben. Ich hoffe du hier wiederkommen!!!

Maggie.

Re: Für Ego
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 6 00:36:38 2001 (#10188)

I wish I knew what you wrote... I love you still ((((((MAGGIE))))))))))), Nuni

Re: Für Ego
Posted by Maggie on Thu Sep 6 14:36:09 2001 (#10199)

(((((((((((NUNI))))))))))). Hugs being sent out now... should get to you in 25 minutes (12.55am). The chef at work is sooooo freaky... he's obsessed with knives, and keeps showing me all his new cuts on his hands. He's never said that they were intentional, but I'm sure he's some kinda masichist. He also begs me to let HIM cut MY hands... and offered me $200 if I would kiss a really really hot pan, so that my lips would singe. Is that strange or what??? I've never thought about getting paid for SI, but NO WAY!

Love you, Maggie.

Re: Für Ego
Posted by Nuni on Thu Sep 6 23:00:08 2001 (#10210)

My Dear (((((Maggie)))))), Im so glad that you are not going for the pan thing. What a weirdo for sure. I think you will shock him if you let him in on what (we) you do. I dont think you should tell him anything. Not that you were anyway. There is a HUGE difference between a masochist and SI.. Love you too!! Nuni

sept 5th/2001
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 5 21:07:03 2001 (#10175)

started school again today...so far so good, but i can just tell by some of the classes that theres going to be stress and cutting, i havent yet(today) or gotten the urge yet so thats good rite? well talk to all lata, hope ur doing a OK! hehe! love ya linze!

i dont understand
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 5 21:09:02 2001 (#10176)

guys i deal with my emotions thorught cutting...well latley ive been feeling happe, and i want to cut, is this my way of dealing with these emotions and its the only way i know how? i dont understand

Emotions are scarey
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 5 21:52:51 2001 (#10177)

There is good and bad stress....but it is all stress. There is happy and sad, anger and fright, irratible and silly....but they are all emotions.

And I think as cutters we fear them all, thinking good times don't last, and the pit is out there waiting for us to fall in,

So, maybe if we cut we can quicken the fall we can have the control over the when, the where and the how.

Just my thoughts on the matter Dawn

Re: i dont understand
Posted by Maggie on Thu Sep 6 14:46:34 2001 (#10200)

I also used to cut when I was happy/excited etc. I discussed it with my psych and he said pretty much the same as Dawn. All the time there is stress on you, even when overall the situation is good. I guess we have lower than usual threasholds for coping, and so even small tiny pressures can trigger us. Also cutting for me is more than stress relief, it's a form of stimulation. When I used to get bored/tired I would also cut because cutting stimulates the neurotransmitter serotonin which is involved in staying awake/maintaining happy moods. Other chemicals called endorphins are released when you cut, and these are VERY addictive (belong to the same class of drugs as Morphine and Heroin). Some people get addicted to the endorphin rush which explains urges to cut, when there is no obvious trigger.

Just some thoughts. Don't stress - it's quite normal what you're going through.

Hugs, Maggie.

Re: i dont understand
Posted by linzee on Thu Sep 6 20:28:51 2001 (#10204)

thanx yeah i noticed when i was bored sometimes i would wanna cut. im going to my therpist today...should i ask her?

HELP!!! I'm in the depths of despair! :(
Posted by Cecelia on Wed Sep 5 23:26:36 2001 (#10178)

HELP help help... OMG I can't do this... the glass under my pillow is NOT sharp enough... thwo nights ago I almost hung myself... i lit a match to burn myself but I didn't burn coz i wanted to CUT... i think i pulled my head out bc i didn't want my sister to feel worse... i almost drank some sort of rubbing alcohol maybe poisionous.. im addicted to cutting... i tried to cut off the circulation in my arm and tried to stick a pin in but it didn't work, i cut my wrist(s) with the glass but it didn't really work... i cut my face and lip..... i want to die.. i need a knife i think im gonna protest or something... i think im gonna buy some razors..... and a knife... how much are they?... I want to die.... i may be sent home from the hospital on monday... they don't even know what I did..... i need a knife..... my friends don't even kno i have depression... everybody hates me..... i wanna kill myself... im obviously suicidal... im ADDICTED to SI and CUTTING and i miss my ODing..... nobody understands but u guys but all i want is a knife to cut so deep with.... maybe put salt in em too... OXY in em isn't good enough..... i want scars to look at to remind me what a bad person im and how much i deserve to die... im not even allowed to wear short sleeves until my arms are bettah.... but Im NEVER, EVER gonna stop cutting..... never... I'll be left hanging without ne ting to hold onto..... my psychologist said my probs are just as bad or worse than my sister's... and i think she said im the worst case she has or eva has... i need a knife! :(

Re: HELP!!! I'm in the depths of despair! :(
Posted by concerned on Wed Sep 5 23:59:12 2001 (#10184)

if you need to talk let me know we can instant message.

Re: HELP!!! I'm in the depths of despair! :(
Posted by Cecelia on Thu Sep 6 01:36:25 2001 (#10190)

I don't kno who u are! But okay...

Re: HELP!!! I'm in the depths of despair! :(
Posted by concerned on Thu Sep 6 02:38:37 2001 (#10193)

i'm a cutter,female,i have cut and tried to commit suicide before,using my boyfriends e-mail.if you would like we could talk.

Re: HELP!!! I'm in the depths of despair! :(
Posted by *Poison on Fri Sep 7 03:07:37 2001 (#10223)

Cecelia, please, try to pull through, i know it is difficult. believe me i know! i have the same thoughts and feelings of suicide. not the SAME but you know what i mean. I love cutting, and i honestly don't know what i would do without it. i think we are much alike, and i know that others here would agree that we don't want to see you leave us! you've only just begun! feel free to e-mail me or IM me on AIM at Cheze2 if you need to talk to someone, i am a 15 year old female.

Amanda

helPPPPPPPP
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 5 23:29:48 2001 (#10179)

O no O no O NO i know i posted todya that i was having a good day no urges but now for no reason im getting a panic attack and i wanna cut cut cut cut cut cut!!!!!!!!!!1 HELPPPPPPPP

Re: helPPPPPPPP
Posted by Cecelia on Wed Sep 5 23:32:16 2001 (#10181)

Ur gonna be fine... just breathe..... don't cut just don't... u can do it.... breathe! we're here 4 u! ur worth it! Itz gonna be okay don't cut!

breathe
Posted by lys on Thu Sep 6 07:02:01 2001 (#10197)

this is my new suggestion for everyone: just breathe. Concentrate on each breath, and try not to think about anything else but that. Count each breath and just calm down. After you are a bit calm, have a hot shower (or cold, whatever works), or a bath. Distract yourself. Keep posting annoying posts here. Or go to yahoo chat or something similar, just to talk to people. Actually, there is a depression support room on yahoo that is pretty good.

take care, lyssie

meds
Posted by Cecelia on Wed Sep 5 23:30:32 2001 (#10180)

u guys i don't think im gonna take my meds ne more cause i don't wanna get better i didn't take em this mornign 4 got and they 4 got to give em to me @ hospital... i don't wanna get better... i found one of my sister's meds on the bathroom floor my parents basically flipped cause they thought she wasn't thaking them but she IS, she's just being CARELESS.

Re: meds
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Sep 6 03:16:53 2001 (#10195)

All I can do is to please ask you to keep taking your meds. If they aren't working, get some different ones. When you get the right ones, they really do help. Why don't you email me and we'll talk some more. I won't pressure you about taking the meds,okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

what meds?
Posted by lys on Thu Sep 6 06:56:22 2001 (#10196)

just curious about what meds (and if you don't mind me asking) what they are for. I hopeyou really think about this, because it is a major decision. Talk with your doctor about it too.

HELLO
Posted by JAILED BIRD on Wed Sep 5 23:56:12 2001 (#10183)

HI!I'M NEW AND IF ANYBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT CUTTING AND OTHER STUFF I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ON A INSTANT MESSAGE SO IF YOU WOULD JUST MESSAGE ME BACK

Re: HELLO
Posted by ... on Thu Sep 6 00:26:32 2001 (#10185)

wuts u'r instand message name?

Re: HELLO
Posted by jailed bird on Thu Sep 6 00:33:29 2001 (#10186)

i'm using my boyfriends if you want to give me your name,well talk.do you cut?alot?

Re: HELLO
Posted by *Poi§on on Fri Sep 7 02:52:29 2001 (#10218)

Hi! my name is Amanda. (KoKo) i'm 15, i've been cutting for almost 2 years now, *damn this sounds like it is AA* :) but my AIM name is Cheze2 e-mail me!! or IM ME!!!

~Amanda~

Re: HELLO
Posted by jen on Thu Sep 6 01:22:25 2001 (#10189)

hi my name is jen and i am also a cutter. if you would like to talk, my instant messag name is xfallenangel17x luv jen

Purging Pain
Posted by Alana on Thu Sep 6 02:11:16 2001 (#10192)

I'm writing this because I was wondering if anybody else does that.

For the past couple weeks I've been feeling like crap. having lots of anxiety trouble. here's the good part - I've resisted from hurting myself all that much. Maybe a couple times I did, but that's all. But the consequences I suffer when I don't cut are greater than if I do cut. I honestly get physically ill and usually throw up everything. It feels like the flu, but 10 times worse.

Does anybody else experience this? Does anybody else have so much stress that they are falling apart?

Re: Purging Pain
Posted by jue on Thu Sep 6 22:30:41 2001 (#10209)

i used get physically sick when i stopped cutting. i would start throwing and be dizzy or else i would stop eating. i always went back to cutting. But now i haven't cut for a long time and i don't feel so sick anymore. i think it might be my medication or else that when i tried to stop before i had nothing healthy to replace it. now i have better relationships with people so the emotion doesn't build up within me anymore so maybe that is why i don't get sick anymore. At any rate it sucks a lot. i know how that feels.

Take Care of Yourself. love julie

wondering
Posted by just wondering on Thu Sep 6 02:43:24 2001 (#10194)

anybody wanna chat with me?ive been cutting for years and just want to talk if someone does i can instant message you,

Re: wondering
Posted by Jess on Thu Sep 6 20:13:20 2001 (#10203)

im on hotmail and icq if u want 2 chat. jes_g40@hotmail.com icq-112420841 x

Re: wondering
Posted by *Poi§on on Fri Sep 7 02:54:39 2001 (#10219)

I'm on aim and i'd Love to chat with you! :) any time!! my Sn is Cheze2

~Amanda~

If at first you don't sucssed try again
Posted by KT on Thu Sep 6 20:35:07 2001 (#10205)

I can't do anything right. I try to die and I can't. I fuck up so much when I'm alive and fuck up when I try to die. I just want everything to stop, all the pain the hurt the constent feelling of being alone I WANT ALL THE SCARES TO DISAPEAR I just want to die, but as they say if at first you don't sucssed try try again sorry if I'm rather hopless and depressing I'll be gone so enuogh.

~katie

Re: If at first you don't sucssed try again
Posted by jue on Thu Sep 6 22:23:51 2001 (#10208)

((((katie)))), careful,

life always seems to kick you down once you get back up and i know this probably isn't what you want to hear but i am so convinced that death is not the answer. i don't think we should be able to kill ourselves b/c we don't know what that will bring. But i am certain that if we end our lives in a desperate state(i know this sounds cruel) it will not get better. we will forever leave things unsorted. i don't know if you believe in God but if you do pray. I am not forcing it on you it just has helped me a lot. i remember when i felt exactly the same." will it ever get better???" but now i see that i do have the power to change, for me i have trouble using and accessing it. Sorry this is about you. keep trying living, not dying.

Take care of yourself.

love julie

Re: If at first you don't sucssed try again
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 7 02:26:53 2001 (#10214)

katie, Please don't give up on life. I know it knocks you down a lot, but there will be better days in the future. You can just live day by day. If today sucks, tomorrow may be better. And no matter what you think, you are not alone. I'm here and so are a lot of others on this board who care about you. Reach out and talk to any one of us. We really do care about you. Email me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

@ Maggie
Posted by ego on Thu Sep 6 21:03:16 2001 (#10206)

I think that we share similar thoughts. Your words have been my words when I was a little sunshine. Actually I dont know, what my problem could be. People say, that I have one, they dont say, what it is. I planned for today to see my psydoc. But I did not had the power. What shall I tell him? I got no news for him. There is nothing, i simply feel a little depressed. thats all. We, my girlfriend and I, will go to france on holiday on first october. see the ocean and the stars, listening to silence, feel the wet sands under our feets, drinking tea, dance in the autumn rain. that will be nice. You are right and I have to change the circumstances. Before I can go and accept myself, i must find out what I am, who I am. Thank you for your help. Why do you do that?

Re: @ Maggie
Posted by Maggie on Fri Sep 7 13:56:41 2001 (#10227)

We definately share similar thoughts... the main reason I'm so interested in corresponding with you is because the things you write are exactly what I used to think(word for word) when I was depressed like you.

I believe the reason people don't ask what your problem is, is because they are scared of what you have to say. They know you are suffering, but by finding out why, they will feel more obliged to help you. And I guess they fear taking on that responsibility. When at first I told a few of my friends about my SI, they were so keen to help me. But after a short while they deliberately avoided the topic, they just didn't want to hear about it even when I volunteered updates. It's because at first thought they could change me, but when they realised they didn't have that power, they couldn't handle the concept that their friend was destroying herself under their noses. But in actual fact just having them listen to me, was the best way they could help me. I certainly got worse when they took no interest. So basically I'm just saying that people will say you have a problem, but choose to be blind to the details because they don't have the courage to deal with it...What one can't see, can't hurt them. Here on this board, you are free to discuss anything you want without people closing their minds to you.

You don't need to have an agenda when you visit your psychologist. They know how to direct the conversation towards the roots of your problems. It's not such a scary thing once you are comfortable with the person. My psychologist is now like a friend... I can tell him almost anything and not feel ashamed. There have been days when I have sat in silence for a long time because I thought I had nothing to say, but there always is. The fact that you cut yourself and think about suicide means that you are not content with your current life, and so the psych want's to help you acknowledge the causes of these reactions, and will help you change your circumstances /perceptions.

It's wonderful that you are going to France for a holiday... sometimes just the appreciation of the beauty of nature can be very therapeutic. And the tranquility of nature offers the perfect environment to discover yourself and which parts of your life you want to change.

A quote I live by (which you have also used):

"As long as there is life there is hope"

Take care, Maggie.

tried some HTML but failed
Posted by ego on Fri Sep 7 18:11:19 2001 (#10229)

I’m feeling little better. When I am depressed then I am blind for the brighter sides and when I am happy it feels like something sick. Happyness is no longer known. One could describe me as a serious beeing. It is not usefull to look back at the own past. Actually it is useful to look forward and to think about what to do to make things going better. But one can‘t see that if he is depressed. Things that has gone { or is it „went wrong“? i only have had english for about 5 years in school ;-))} wrong in my past can be treated when I am in a safe stadium and on a safe place like a psyclinic. In the better times I dont mind if people ask me whats wrong or if they dont ask. It is my problem, not their problem. I dont feel the need to tell them : „Hey ! I cut my arms and while we talk I am bleeding because I wanted it and it feels great and real“ or something. They would be shocked. All my i-net-contacts know and my beloved one knows. That are enough people. I guess [ i am using your words so i might learn to use the english a better way ;)] the people dont ask since Si is a bigger perversion [ in their mind] than suicide. Suicide is violence with an end, Si is violence without end, they think that it must be painfull and, oh goddess, it is bloody [ blutig ]. But what ever, this will not be my problem. „perfect environment to discover yourself and which parts of your life you want to change“ I feel that it will be very dangerous to discover myself. There is a part in me that is very violent, that feels no pain and takes no care of no-one. Um diesen gewalttätigen und blindwütigen Teil unter kontrolle zu halten, ist es notwendig, alle anderen emotionalen Anteile ebenfalls zu unterdrücken. Es ist unmöglich, den einen Teil aktiv sein zu lassen und einen anderen Teil zu unterdrücken. „A quote I live by (which you have also used): "As long as there is life there is hope"‘ I said : „As long there is life, there is hope for an end .“( especially for an end of the life). Do you know what NIETZSCHE said about „Hope“? He said that hope is the reason, why people choose to live in situation when it is useful to end the life [ auf deutsch : „Zeus wollte nämlich, daß der Mensch, auch noch so sehr durch die anderen Übel gequält, doch das Leben nicht wegwerfe, sondern fortfahre, sich immer von neuem quälen zu lassen. Dazu gibt er dem Menschen die Hoffnung : sie ist in Wahrheit das übelste der Übel, weil sie die Qual der Menschen verlängert.“] By the way, somebody should write a book „How to use psydocs the right way“ ;-) I know that I have to learn a lot. i know, myfists are hard like the steelkaps in my boots, i am strong. iknow it and one day I will understand it. Thank you for reading, für your helpful words and your presence [ Präsenz] Wo hast Du die deutsche Sprache erlernt und warum?

sOmEdAy
Posted by jue on Thu Sep 6 22:15:34 2001 (#10207)

Someday i hope i will not fear myself. Someday i hope that i will trust myself with myself. Someday i hope i will open my wings. Someday i hope i will stop this cyclic life i live. Someday i hope that i will let myself truly love. Someday i hope i will let myself honestly trust. Someday i will stop the spirits of others that influence me. Someday my spirit will be fReE.

This is my analogy of the life i live right now and what i hope to become, if anyone is interested.

I feel that i am standing atop a high waterslide that is covered in razorblades. Each thing i do is either a step towards the waterslide or a step back from the waterslide to the railing. If i keep going to the waterslide i will go down again and then i will have to stay for a while while i get bandaged up. After, then i must begin the climb to the top of the slide again, something i have done too many times. If i step closer to the railing i can eventually open my wings and fly away and my spirit can be free. But i seem always to go back to the slide instead of toward the railing. It seems soo hard to get the courage to climb that railing and open my wings. I don't think i trust myself to fly away.

Okay i don't know if anyone followed that but it was just my little philosphy for the day.

love julie

Re: sOmEdAy
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 7 02:30:08 2001 (#10215)

That was good!! Do you write a lot? If so, and this is a sample of your writing, you should think about getting some of it published. I personally think it's good enough. Anyways, take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: sOmEdAy
Posted by Alana on Fri Sep 7 04:55:11 2001 (#10224)

Well said. Its nice to see someone being philosophical for a change. :^)

A Tribute To Danni.....
Posted by Amanda on Thu Sep 6 23:43:20 2001 (#10211)

no one here knew her but i still want to make a tribute to my friend. she died on the 24th august aged 19. she was so full of life when i last saw her but she had always battled against diabeties and it finally got the better of her. i know this has nothing to do with SI but i dont care coz it matters to me.

at her funeral they played her fav song and now its mine. its by aerosmith and its called "i dont wanna miss a thing" and it goes like this....."i could stay awake just to hear you breathing, watch you smile while you are sleeping, while your far away and dreeming, i could spend my life in this sweet surrender, i could stay lost in this moment forever, well every moment spent with you, is a moment i treasure, i dont wanna close my eyes, dont wanna fall asleep, coz ill miss you baby, and i dont wanna miss a thing, cause even when i dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do, id still miss you baby, and i dont wanna miss a thing..."

i think this is a beautiful song, and it was written in the filofax that she had with her when she was found. her death was so tragic and unexpected. it has torn the hearts of all those that knew her, including me. i cant sleep, eat or think. because all i do is think of her. i have to go to school and see all the other people laughing and joking and it reminds me of how bubbly she was. i know she is proberbly looking at me now say "you stupid cow stop being so miserable" but i cant help it. she was wonderful and will remain with me 4ever.

sorry to babble on but i wanted to let the people i know, know how im feeling.

Love and Hope, Amanda

im sorry to hear that
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 7 01:56:58 2001 (#10213)

i think that its a very nice thing u just wrote up there, i know deaths can be hard and im sorry for ur loss, i'll be thinking of u and ur friend that has passed away.

Re: A Tribute To Danni.....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 7 02:35:07 2001 (#10216)

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. My grandmother had diabeties. She passed away about 7 years ago. It's hard to accept that someone you love and care for has passed away, but I know my grandma is in a better place. I don't mean to get preachy and I hope I don't offend anyone. And that song is one of my favorites. It is pretty. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: A Tribute To Danni.....
Posted by *Poi§on on Fri Sep 7 02:59:56 2001 (#10220)

I know what it's like to loose a loved one. my grandma died almost 3 years ago of cancer and i still have a hard time with it. if you need to talk you can e-mail me or IM me on AIM at Cheze2

~Amanda~

Re: A Tribute To Danni.....
Posted by jen on Fri Sep 7 05:28:19 2001 (#10225)

im sorry for your lost. i think your post was a good thing. i lost my nana(grandma) almost 3 months ago. she was my mom my friend my grandma, so much so i know what you are going through. if you ever ant to talk you can email me. or you can IM me. my AIM is xfallenangel17x i would love to talk to you anytime. luv jen

weekend plan!
Posted by linzeE on Fri Sep 7 01:53:54 2001 (#10212)

my plans this weekend, usuallyim WAY to depressed to go out with friends it takes me forever to get the engery to go out, so thats why i think alot of them stoped calling, but this weekend my friend cas askes me if i wanna go to the dance with her and a bunch of gurls i say yes, and then andree gets tickets to snow jam so of cousre i wanna go to that a huge concert! who would put that down and then im sleeping over and on sunday my mom is taking me shoping, and i dont know if i can handle all this or if im going to freak sunday nite when i get home and cut like crazy b/c its been stressfuli just dont know, im having douts!!!!!!! O NO, all i wanna do is go out with my friends, but i think im going to end up cutting cuz of it!! what do i do? i mean i usually go out with a one friend once on a weekend thats it, and im lucky if that but now schools in and everyone has plans, o yeah dont for get the homework i have to do that weekend, imean i have time for all of these things but i just think its going to stress me out and i dont want it to,its suppose to be FuN! love ->XoXo<- linzEe

Re: weekend plan!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Sep 7 02:37:54 2001 (#10217)

While I can't tell you how to feel, I hope you can just relax and have fun. What is snow jam? It sounds interesting. Really, I hope you have a good time with your friends. Take care. Love, Rhonda

snow jam is....
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 7 14:11:58 2001 (#10228)

o snow jam is a concert in ottawa its a weekend thing but im only going for saturday, it has alternative groups like ( joy drop, gob, swollen memebers) yeah they brign real snow in so ppl can snowboard and they have a half pipe and stuff like that ( its for skaters moslty i guess), thanx for ur support! ->Xoxo<-! lindseY

Re: weekend plan!
Posted by *poi§on on Fri Sep 7 03:02:33 2001 (#10221)

just try not to think about cutting, i know that that is a difficult thing to do, but just try to stay in the moment and think about all the fun you are having, i can already tell just from this post that you are very excited! keep it up and i know you'll be strong enough to pull through anything you want to.

~Amanda~

Life doesn't stay the same
Posted by Dawn on Fri Sep 7 07:35:42 2001 (#10226)

I was just writing an email to someone on the board and began telling her it seems that ppl here on the board feel like they have been in the pit FOREVER and that their lives have been crappy as long as they can remember. And to a big majority that is probably true.

But as I have looked at my life under a high powered microscope call hard introspective work I have found that my life has been moving all along. My depression and icky feelings have changed throughout my life. Thank God for its changing.

I have not lived a year, a week , or a month which I would like to go back to and stay there.

Then this afternoon something incredible happened. I had an appointment with a neurosurgeon and when I phoned his office to confirm my appointment I spoke with a lady who told me she used to work at a clinic I used to go to, and that she was talking with the man who used to take care of me and stitch up my wounds (well she didn't say all that. She just mentioned his name, and the rest I'm sharing with you on my own). She said she told him I was going to be coming ino see the doctor she works for now, and he told her he had been thinking about me lately, and for her to be sure to tell me hello.

What a thrill to know that I'm not at the same place mentally and emotionaly that I was when I saw him before.

He was special, in fact I've had several special doctors who have given me extra special attention. I took this doctor some information on cutters and what he gleaned from it was that he should be gentle with me and not make a big fuss about my cutting and that as long as the clinic was open if I needed stitches I could just show up and get them with no hassels.

And when I was suicidal he only gave me enough meds for a few days. He told me that where I usually cut was fairly safe and that he was always there when I needed him.

As I was being told he wanted me to know he still thinks of me and my welfare I was overjoyed with the fact that I am not longer cutting every day, and I haven't had to be waiting at the door of a clinic in the morning to get stitches for my bad feelings I had the night before. And I want to take a thank you card over and leave it for him.

I am alive today becauce of doctors and physician assistants like him. But not just that it is because sometimes our lives are like electric meters that move so slow we do not see (or feel) any changes happening. But life does changes, sometimes slowly, sometimes in spurts, and sometimes a few stepf forward and six back. But it really doesn't stay the same.

The proof is this post is written from a living breathing person who delights in her dog's antics, even when her body is racked with pain. Even then good things happen to be thankful for.

Don't give up. Tie another knot in your rope and hang on. Dawn

just me , dont have ot read if u dont want to
Posted by linzee on Fri Sep 7 20:35:32 2001 (#10230)

Hi again sorry im posting so much but ever since school started im stressed over the dumbest/littlest things, in class i freak out and start crying b/c i wanted to drop the cousre and then i rememebered i couldnt so i freak out, and teh class isnt even that bad but i just freaked out:( anyways thank 4 listining chow guys...im off the thedance!

Re: just me , dont have ot read if u dont want to
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 9 03:49:53 2001 (#10251)

Hun, email me and tell me about it.

kind of hysterical.... my therapist has gone away.
Posted by lys on Sat Sep 8 02:44:59 2001 (#10231)

well, on my way out the door to my appt with my therapist, she called to say that she had a family emergency and she had to go out of town for at least 2 weeks. So I am kind of worried about what I am going to do until she gets back, I'll have no one to talk to. Take care, lyssie

Re: kind of hysterical.... my therapist has gone a
Posted by Nuni on Sat Sep 8 03:32:20 2001 (#10232)

I know how you are feeling. Mine was away for two weeks. Hang in there, I am here if you want to talk. You are not alone, and I can totally relate that you probably feel way anxious. Its completely natural. Im here and I will do what I can to help you make it throught this... OK??? Huge hugs my sister!!

Re: kind of hysterical.... my therapist has gone a
Posted by linzee on Sat Sep 8 15:10:47 2001 (#10235)

TALK TO US!!!!!!!!!!, U CAN MAKE IT 2 weeks im sure u can dont worry same thing happend to me , but then i kept saying only a few more days only a few more days i can do this i can do this take care linzee

Re: kind of hysterical.... my therapist has gone a
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Sep 8 15:39:10 2001 (#10237)

Lyssie, You can come here and we'll talk to you. If you feel like it, email me. I like to read and send emails. I'll help you through the 2 weeks till your therapist gets back. Take care and write me. Love, Rhonda

Re: kind of hysterical.... my therapist has gone a
Posted by Cecelia on Sat Sep 8 18:01:41 2001 (#10238)

You're going to be fine - my therapist person lol went away for like 3 weeks and i felt terrible but then it's okay... then she went away AGAIN omg and it was okay... just hold on! Be careful! Don't do ne thing irreversible! We love you!

Re: kind of hysterical.... my therapist has gone a
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 9 03:47:45 2001 (#10250)

Don't worry hun. You'll be okay. The day before my appt. mine called and told me not to come in, he quit. *laughs* I guess you forget that being a psychologist is just like any job and with time you get sick of it and have to leave.

response to everyone
Posted by lys on Sun Sep 9 08:33:34 2001 (#10262)

well, I mean, she called me the day of and said she would be away for at least 2 weeks. I can barely handle the week between sessions... nevermind the 2 (well 3 because a week has already passed) that I now have to deal with.

as far as therapist quitting... I have wuite the story.... when I was in the hospital, my therapist, Hugh, came 2 times a week for sessions, sometimes 3. One week he came in, while I was heavily medicated because I tried to hang myself, and told me then that he would be moving to the island that weekend for good. Which was like the next day. And then, because of the meds, I started puking, and guess what?!? All over him!!!

I mean, he old me while I was heavily medicated, and he could have said something at any point in the month before when he knew for sure about the move. I think puking on his perfect suit was good enough for revenge.... I was very unhappy with hugh for that little thing.... take care, lyssie

YEAY !! im back !!!
Posted by emm !!!!! on Sat Sep 8 11:14:14 2001 (#10233)

HELLO !!!! i missed you all so much. thankyou for all your kind words and e- mails. ive only just read them. ive been in hospital for about 5 weeks on a section for an overdose. they found me quickly and pumped my stomach so i am ok now!

im so glad to be free again. it was soooo horible in there. confined to a little room with no window or anything.

anyway. im so glad to be able to speak to you all again.

lots and lots of hugs and kisses

Emma XXXXXXXX

Re: YEAY !! im back !!!
Posted by LINZEE on Sat Sep 8 15:09:09 2001 (#10234)

OMG IVE MISSED U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO GLAD UR ALRIGHT! WE WERE SO WORRIED, OMG I MISSED U! love LINZEE ->XOXO<-

Re: YEAY !! im back !!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Sep 8 15:35:53 2001 (#10236)

Oh emm, I'm soooooooooooooo glad to see you back here with us. And I'm glad to know you're okay. I really hope you're getting some help and I want you to know that you can still emil me. Tara will be happy that you are okay. GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!!!!! Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: YEAY !! im back !!!
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 9 05:38:24 2001 (#10256)

OH EMM, I AM SOoooooooooo WONDERFULLY HAPPY THAT YOU ARE NOT DEAD. I've been so scared. Yet I hoped someone found you....by the way I'm still Dawn, but not overcoming-1 anymore. I was so worried I phoned the police non emergency number to see if I could track you down and get you help, and when they told me that maybe if I could find where you lived, maybe then I could locate you. But in one post you said you were in the UK, I turned to the One who knows you best and I asked Him to bring help to you. And now I know He did it. Oh Praise Him.

I do not care if someone doesn't like me giving God the Glory and Praise for saving your life. You are ALIVE....Praise God

I love you emm. I can't stop the tears of joy and love that warming me from head to toe. I actually shouted joyfully when I saw your post.

When you get a chance email me. Love and Hugs chchchanging.....Dawn

Re: YEAY !! im back !!!
Posted by Tara on Sun Sep 9 22:51:03 2001 (#10271)

hey girl,

i missed you to.i am so glad to hear that you are ok now.i was worried about you for so long.e-mail me.i want to know how you are doing as of this moment.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

from thursday
Posted by Cecelia on Sat Sep 8 18:07:25 2001 (#10239)

Hey everyone! I'm in Child Life at the hospital - and I just kindly asked one of the nurses to plz give me some privacy coz they would NOT go away - and the computer was like broken. Ne ways, last night I went for a "walk" coz everything was so bad. I took 10 dollaz from my savings (I'll have to pay myself back l8ter), and went to Home Hardware lol to look for a knife, but they didn't have ne so I went to IGA! They didn't have ne GOOD ones, and I didn't want ppl to suspect me. I didn't think I'd have enough $$$ ne way to buy one of the ones tht they did have. So I bought 5 razors, salt (I'll explain), and some fruit snacks (I'll explain!!!!!). I paid 4 em and left. I then tucked the razors into my pockets and sox when I was outside of da store. I would NEVA steal! So I then walked back home and told everyone that I bought salt and Fruit Snacks. The salt I was gonna put in the cuts I was gonna make with the razors, and the Fruit Snacks I ate lol and they were just kinda a cover-up, I think! I went to go cut - taking one razor and hid the otha 4. I cut, and my dad suspected something in my voice when I said I was changing. He walked in on me! :( I got blood all ova my new sweatshirt... and they bled a lot - but not enough for me. I love watching the blood come out of my flesh. Anyway. Earlier, I said that I wasn't gonna eat dinner unless they gave me a knife. So it turns out dat I didn't eat suppah. And then my sis went out. And she doesn't kno ne of the cutting stuff that happened last night. And I told my parents that I found the razor in the bathroom and that I was trying. * both lies. They knew that the razor wasn't in the B-room, coz like everything is locked up and my mom checked hte B-room earlier ne wayz. So I told them that I had kept it from a while ago, when she gave me 1 2 shave wit and never remembered it. *obviously anotha lie. Well, I have a lot of bandages on, and I didn't get to use the salt, and I swore when my cuts were cleaned. I hafta go now. I might be going to the LPH. I don't wanna live. I'm neva gonna stop cutting - I'll be left without ne thing to hold onto. It's ekitha cutting or suicide and that would just kill my family. My dad told me that he almost hung himself when he was 14. :( I have to go. Plz e-mail me back! Thanx. I think I'll paste this on the BB when I get home. Luv ya, buh byes! ali

Yesterday
Posted by Cecelia on Sat Sep 8 18:15:03 2001 (#10240)

So I found out who was going through my room... taking my square of glass and my razors... MY PARENTS! And I understand y they would... but I wish that they would understand my point of view too...I still have my other glass things... I moved them tho from under my pillow lol to inside an old binder! I might not be allowed to write on here ne more coz my mom thinks it brings me down OMG! Yesterday I didn't cut at all... fuck! A bird shit on my 4 times in a row omg... I need to cut i wanna cut OMG! O just found out how I can! We're gonna be cleaning out my grandma's house today... I'll have to take a knife... I'll try! I want a knife omg. So can u guys plz e-mail me at my hotmail thing a bit or add me to msn coz i might be banned from the bb! :(

Re: Yesterday
Posted by linzee on Sat Sep 8 18:20:33 2001 (#10241)

o im osrry yeah i'll talk to u on msn dont worry hun

I can't cope anymore...
Posted by Angelica on Sat Sep 8 20:08:24 2001 (#10242)

I haven't posted here in a long time, no one will remmeber who I am, but who cares. I've finally found the right anti-depressants and have been feeling good for about a month, although I'm feeling increasingly shit about myself. I hate myself so much. I haven't cut for over a month because I don't think I deserve the release it gives me. My boyf has his own probs and I think I'm fucking him up. I want to talk to people, but can't get the words out. I find it so hard to trust people. My head is driving me crazy. I can't cope anymore. I need to get rid of the bad and evil within me. People tell me they can't see it, but they will one day and then I'll be left all on my own, the thing that petrifys me. I've been looking on the net to see where I can get hold of some acid, hydrocloric would be best. I want to drink it or pour it on part of my body. That will get rid of it. That would be the best way. I could also get some lighter fluid and put it on me and set light to it. Or stab the evil and pull it out. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared I may do soemthing before I'm ready to. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema xxx

Re: I can't cope anymore...
Posted by Cecelia on Sat Sep 8 22:38:16 2001 (#10245)

No, Angelica! Don't do that! :( You've stopped cutting for a while, and although you may not feel it, you seem like things are picking up! Just let the meds do their job... talk to us - we love you and we're here to help! Try writing in a journal or drawing out your thoughts... don't do anything irreversible. :(

Re: I can't cope anymore...
Posted by emm on Sat Sep 8 22:47:45 2001 (#10246)

hia. im emma i dont really know you but im sure we soon will. anyway. sweetheart, calm yourself and breath. dont even contemplated drinking acid or something so severe. i always thought it was a good idea an it landed me in a nasty situation. (thats where ive been for the last 5 weeks)

even though weve never spoken, i would hate to think someone was going through what i went through.

the people on this board are always here and are always looking out for you. more than you can imagin.(i found that out when i was in trouble)

i'll be here if you need me. look after yourself and dont ever think of yourself as being evil. your just like the rest of us. caring and misunderstood.

emm **

For Emm
Posted by Angelica on Sat Sep 8 23:44:20 2001 (#10247)

Hi Emma How are you doing honey? I'm so shit. If you don't mind me asking, what did you do about 5 weeks ago? Please don't feel you have to answer. I'm falling apart. I driving my boyfriend insane and he already has his own probs. I'm a selfish bitch. I wanna get a knife and slice off all my skin. Poke my eyes out. I just wanna get rid of the bad and evil somehow. Somehow. Love 'n' blood soaked tears Ema xxx

im addicted to blood
Posted by Morbid Tragedy on Sat Sep 8 20:34:50 2001 (#10244)

i love to cut, it has become a major part of my life. Its not so much the rush of pain as it is the blood that drips out. that sight is 1 of my fav things too see. when im really sad or angry ill use salt to take my mind off of everything else. Its like my personal "sick" little escape...

question
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 9 23:59:26 2001 (#10274)

i have a Q, why do u use salt? some one else tolled me that 2 but idont understands what it does!!!! linzee

blah
Posted by *me* on Sun Sep 9 02:50:00 2001 (#10248)

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time. Welcome back to Emma!! We missed you. Has ne one heard from Christine? I haven't in a looong time. I suppose I'll send her an email. If ne one knows if she's ok..lemme know!

I feel pretty lousy. Why does everything have to be so stressful and complicated? I reeeaaaalllly am beginning to hate everything. Not that I didn't hate the crappiness before, but it's just getting worse and I don't know how to make it stop.

Argh.

Re: blah
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Sep 9 18:31:53 2001 (#10266)

Sorry you're having a bad time. I wish I could make it stop for you too. Anyway, I'm here and you can write me if you feel like it. Sorry if this didn't help much. I'm not feeling to good right now. Another migraine headache is sneaking up on me and I really hate those. If I don't post for a day or so everyone will know why. It takes several days for these things to go away. I'm still thinking about everyone of ya'll. Write me if you want to and I'll get back to you when this passes. Take care and I love ya all. Love, Rhonda

trouble
Posted by Sharon on Sun Sep 9 03:39:20 2001 (#10249)

Since school started, I've been cutting more than ever. I found the perfect time/place to cut and I can't seem to get out of it. My first class, Chemistry, always stresses me out cuz I'm taking Honors and it's all very fast and hard to understand, anyone here get significant numbers? I've started cutting on my stomach because it's easiest to hide, I can't do my arms til it gets cold (after all, this IS Georgia!) I'm getting so sick of this. I really want to tell my friends. I had one friend that knew last year and she was SO helpful but we don't have any classes together and I never get to see her and I just can't handle all this much longer. God, it's so hard. I guess I had to get that out, thanks for listening.

hugs

Sharon

Re: trouble
Posted by *Poi§on on Sun Sep 9 05:34:11 2001 (#10255)

hey Lindz! i'm here to help you! i know exactly what you mean, school is a major stressor, and it's soooooo hard to cope with it, espically when your down. but guess what!!! i know significant numbers!!!! - :)i'll write you an e-mail tomorrow to try and explain them :) but right now it's almost midnight and i have to work tomorrow so expect an e-mail from me!!! :)

Amanda

Re: trouble
Posted by sara on Sun Sep 9 19:34:37 2001 (#10267)

i don't really have a solution for the stress but maybe the chemistry. i'm a senior in high school but also a sophomore in college and i love chemistry. i took honors chemistry my sophomore year of high school and taking bio chem this semester in college. ask me any question. i'll try to help!

sara

Re: trouble
Posted by Sharon on Mon Sep 10 20:50:49 2001 (#10283)

Thanks guys. I'm taking honors too (did I already mention that?) and it's just moving very fast is all. Significant numbers . . . if you guys could help me with the zeroes, I'd be grateful forever!! I love science and had a blast in Bio last year . . . this is just taking awhile to sink into my head I guess!

hugs,

Sharon

[untitled]
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 9 04:05:13 2001 (#10252)

I dunno ... it's been a long time since I last hurt myself. I burned myself with incense last. A big section of my arm. Day before, I threw myself down the basement steps. But that was in late July. I have urges, man do I ever!, but I don't act upon them. Normally because I'm so damn tired I have no motivation to grab something to slam into my head or to grab a razor blade and cut my arm. It makes me feel worthless to know that I can't even get off my ass to hurt myself when the feelings' swell within.

I've been so tired lately. I sleep for about 12-15 hours and then nap throughout the day.

I just feel so small in this big world. I'm a very well educated person, I know many things about the illnesses that I have and of other things in the world, yet I have no idea what's happening to myself now. Suicide attempt #3 isn't far away; I can feel it.

*deep sigh* I'm going to indulge myself in some ice cream and then "worship the toilet."

God, my life is pathetic as am I.

Re: [untitled]
Posted by Cecelia on Sun Sep 9 06:19:10 2001 (#10258)

please don't try to commit suicide! We love you, and we're here for you! Reach out! Please!

Re: [untitled]
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 9 22:16:28 2001 (#10268)

u listined to me, now i'll listin to u plz e-mail i know hw u mean about feeling small and sleeping for almost teh whole day and not haveing the energy for cutting and then u feel worthless, e-mail me i'll listin.

Yeah ... more lyrics
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Sep 9 04:11:53 2001 (#10253)

I'm just keeping up with the lyric thing a few of us have here.

india.arie - "Video"

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't / Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't / Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes / It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

CHORUS: I'm not the average girl from your video / And I ain't built like a supermodel / But I learned to love myself unconditionally / Because I am a queen / I'm not the average girl from your video / My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes / No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Aria

When I look in the mirror the only one there is me / Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be / And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me / My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes - I'm lovin' what I see

CHORUS

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear panty hoes / My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but what she knows / But I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion / Confusions the name of the game / A misconception, a vast deception / Something's gotta change

Don't be offended, this is all my opinion / Ain't nothing that I'm sayin' law / This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share wit ya'll / So get in where you fit in, go on and shine / Clear your mind, now's the time / Put your salt on the shelf / Go head and love yourself / Cause everything's gonna be all right

CHORUS

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks / I don't need that to have a good time / Keep your expensive car and your caviar / All I need is my guitar / Keep your krystyle and your pistol / I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal / Don't need your silly comb, I can find my own / What God gave me is just fine

CHORUS

Re: Yeah ... more lyrics
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Sun Sep 9 04:21:37 2001 (#10254)

i have got to stop smileing it gives the wrong impression i love you all the same

Re: Yeah ... more lyrics
Posted by *me* on Mon Sep 10 01:13:21 2001 (#10275)

I LOVE THAT SONG!! I saw her on Oprah.

sorry bout the grammar.....
Posted by Cecelia on Sun Sep 9 06:16:32 2001 (#10257)

well... i bought more razors and i bled thru my shirt and then i called the hospital to just update them and i said i cut with a piee of glass so i then broke some glass and wiped blood on it coz i didn't wanna lose my razors again but then they wanted to tlak to my mom but i said no so i hung up on them but kept my on them so they couldn't call

PILLS
Posted by Cecelia on Sun Sep 9 06:28:14 2001 (#10259)

Okay guys... I've ODed twice and today i almost stole some pills from my grandma when we were goin thru her house - she's in a nursing home - but i didn't. I just cut - a LOT. I don't even kno y im sayin this its just weird to steal from a senior citizen. okay. this is strange. bye

LYRICS!
Posted by Cecelia on Sun Sep 9 06:47:43 2001 (#10260)

Wonderful, by: Everclear I close my eyes when I get too sad I think thoughts that I know are bad Close my eyes and I count to ten Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door I wish I could count to ten Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad Will figure out why they get so mad Hear them scream, I hear them fight They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed And I dream of angels who make me smile I feel better when I hear them say Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little And the world's so big I just don't understand how You can smile with all those tears in your eyes Tell me everything is wonderful now

Na na na na na na na

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play I tell the kids that it's all okay I like to laugh so my friends won't know When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes I make believe that I have a new life I don't believe you when you say Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little And the world is so big I just don't understand how You can smile with all those tears in your eyes When you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say That I will understand someday No, no, no, no I don't wanna hear you say You both have grown in a different way No, no, no, no I don't wanna meet your friends And I don't wanna start over again I just wanna my life to be the same Just like it used to be Somedays I hate everything I hate everything Everyone and everything Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now,

CECELIA!
Posted by Alana on Sun Sep 9 07:03:56 2001 (#10261)

I'm scared for you. It sounds as if you are going through a really hard time. If ever you just need to unleash and vent about whats going on, you know I'm always here for you.

love, Alana (the ignored one on the board)

Alana.....
Posted by Amanda on Sun Sep 9 12:36:14 2001 (#10264)

u r not ignored here!!! or at least not by me! and if you are ignored, then who ever is doing that should not be because no matter what our differences, one thing has brought us all together and we should all try and help each other over come this one thing.

its tragic that we all feel like the only way to relese our anger/hurt/tension/ect, is by cutting/burning/ect but it is one thing we all have in common (with the exception of dawn and rhonda) it is one commom factor on this board, whether we are old, young, black, white, happy, sad....we all have this one problem and not one single person has the right to ignor any one else. that is not why we are here. remember that everyone.

Love and Hope Amanda

so very very tired....
Posted by lys on Sun Sep 9 08:38:45 2001 (#10263)

well, I am kind of shitty. Tonight is the first time in a few days that I have had a really strong urge to cut, but I am really at loss for what to do. I mean, I am starting to get flashbacks, and that usually progresses to paranoia, and then to major alyssa freakouts. And that occasionally ends up with hospital visits. So, none of these things I really want. but anyways, I just need to rant, and now I am going to bed...

take care, lyssie

Re: so very very tired....
Posted by *poison on Mon Sep 10 04:07:07 2001 (#10276)

hey lys. i was just wondering how do you tell your parents that you need to goto the hospital? etc? i find it really difficult and usually end up making some loud noise so they have to come in my room...

Take Care, Amanda

....
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 00:07:07 2001 (#10320)

I usually don't tell them. I don't live at home because of 'chronic conflict and severe underlying issues', so I don't really tell them. Usually some doctor or nurse calls. Or my social worker. It doesn't really come from me at all, and we never talk about it.

Cecelia
Posted by Amanda on Sun Sep 9 13:00:29 2001 (#10265)

i havent posted to youu befor, but i have read all your posts here. befor i tell you what i want to say, ill tell you a bit about me. im 15, i live in the UK and i started cutting when i was 11 and 1/2. my worst point was christmas 2000, i was cutting 5/6 somtimes 10 times a day. i have over 200 scars and i used to feel like i was worthless and that i should die. but since then a lot has changed. i have a wonderful boy/f and he has helped me to see that i am a person that deserves to live. now this was the hardest thing i have had to go through. finnally being able to say to myself that i a beautiful person. i havent cut for a month, but im have been trying to stop for 6 months, i managed to go for 3 and 1/2 months but had a relapse.

now all that took a lot of effort, and befor all that happened i felt exactly the same as you do now. i used to hate myself and think i deserved to die and i didnt want to stop cutting at all. but now i look back and im so glad i did stop. cutting is an easy enough solution to start off with but as you get more and more involved with it, the feeling of reliefe starts to wear off and it starts to controll your life, its not the way to live trust me. although you may not believe it, your life is worth more than that.

but you have yet the hardest part to come. the worst bit is learning to respect yourself and apriciate what you have. and to learn that you ARE a beautiful person and you deserve to live not to die.

i hope more than anything that you can find the strength inside you to WANT to stop cutting, remember we are all here for you.

Love and Hope Amanda

anxity
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 9 22:22:46 2001 (#10269)

im getting anxity attacks at least 2 times a day and it makes me wanna cut all the time i dont know how to make them go away and i should tell some one, im going to try and tell my mom tonite but its going to be hard for me just to come out and say" um i freak out for no reason and i'll start crying for no reason" thats just a lil to much for me to say and um yeah so wish me luck and wish me NO more attacks, im gettting them at school and at home and on the bus everywhere, i can help it.

doing ok i guess
Posted by Tara on Sun Sep 9 22:44:56 2001 (#10270)

hey guys,

i have some time off from work and thought that i would write.i guess i am doing ok.work keeps my thoughts occupied.but then again it does not.being a cna at a nursing home sometimes gets me down.i have to watch people die and know that i can not do anything about it.it makes me think of my own death.how i wish to leave this awful place.the only thing that i would regret leaving is my family and friends.they are so dear to me.well i am gonna sign off for now.might write again later.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

oh no!
Posted by ashley on Sun Sep 9 23:01:51 2001 (#10272)

i started again. i dont know how to make it all go away. i thought i was done, i thought, once i move back home with my family, ill be ok and wont want to do it anymore. well now thier back and i dont want my mum to know cos i told her i didnt do it anymore. i am sick of this! what the hell am i supposed to do?

Re: oh no!
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 9 23:25:52 2001 (#10273)

i think u should tell her ash, tell her u want to go to therpy, ( unless u dont) but im here for u , and um U BETTER HAVE LISTIENED TO THAT DAMN MUSIC! lol , (JOKE) HEHE, k well talk to ya lata!

depression, suicide, who cares?
Posted by *Poi§on on Mon Sep 10 04:23:32 2001 (#10277)

i've been kinda depressed lately, i want to cut soo bad, but i'm too lazy, too depressed to get off my ass and do it. and then i start to think about what to do with the blood, because my dad sucks ass and took away my favorite towel that i used to always use, i couldn't sleep without it, and i never washed it...i need another towel like that. plus i never put any sheets on my bed so my mattress gets all bloody because i like to cut at night mostly when my parents cant interrupt me and so i just fall asleep still bleeding, usually i wrap something over the wound though obviously. i dunno, i just wish i had free will to be able to cut if i wanted to. people are always saying that it's your body and you can do what you want to it. but when it's something that society shuns upon it is automatically seen as a bad thing. and yes i know it is a wonderful coping skill, just a very risky one. i know and understand that. but for me my cutting isn't the issue at all. it is all the feelings i have that make me want to cut. and all my parents...no, let me rephrase that, my dad sees is the cutting. i wish i still lived with my mom. i really am regretting the day i made the decision to move here to my dad's. i just want to leave. i've had so many thoughts of running away lately. because they won't let me move to my mom's and i don't want to be here...so i might as well go somewhere else. but i'm only 15 and i don't want to quit school. i don't want to turn out like my mom and work 24/7 i just want out. and seriously...if i don't find a way out soon i'm afraid of myself and what i'm going to do, because i constantly have thoughts of suicide on my brain, i'm always thinking up new ways to kill myself. i don't know why. i just want to go down to the store and pick up like 10 bottles of tylenol, drammamene, and take all my prescription meds somewhere and just take them all, and just sit there in pain while my liver, kidneys, lungs, and heart start to fail. while slitting my wrists and sitting in a pile of my own blood...it just seems so beautiful to me. like it is pure and holy, when i know it is not. i don't know....i have disturbing thoughts. i don't know how to tell my therapist either...

~Amanda~ KoKo

Re: depression, suicide, who cares?
Posted by Selene on Mon Sep 10 07:06:49 2001 (#10279)

-Amanda-

Your not the only who gets disturbed thoughts. I think like that all the time. I just want to let you know that your not alone in this fu*ked up world and theres a little bit hope in everyone. Keep fighting babe, itll pay off one day. Luv ya. ~Selene

I care....
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 11 05:34:23 2001 (#10294)

Hi, first off let me say that was exactly my plan a number of years ago. Life has changed for me, it had to because I was on the fast track to actually killing myself.

I also want to say that I am a mother and my three children were asked who they wanted to live with, the oldest and youngest chose their father for various reasons and my younger daughter, our middle child stood hard and fast right in the middle and said she would go with her brother and sister who had already chosen their father.

I wanted to stop the answers before my children had a chance to give one, but then inside me I knew I needed to know where I stood with them, and with their father. It was very hard to hear them choose him.

I think each of my children have feelings about their choice. But I will tell you this. They made the right choice. I believe you did too. What I mean is that you made the best choice for yourself at the time.

Remember that people, places, and things change every minute. And where you are now in your life is not the same place you were, nor is it the same place you will be tomorrow.

I know from reading your post that you are in a dangerous place in your life. That your life is teetering on a fine line and a shift in any direction could mean your plan is set in motion. That scares me because I was there. I even gave my plan a trial run and discovered it had a few flaws.

I thank God for those flaws today. because my life has changed. I'm finally out on the other side. I have my bad days. But my bad days are much fewer than they used to be.

I'm a stranger. I mean nothing more to you than any one else in cyber space. We don't know the people who read our posts. Some just wait around reading the board til something stirs them a little and they post just to stir things up. It is entertainment for them.

But you are seriously perched on the fence of life and death and that concerns me. I care about you, because I learned to care about myself. I knew I was not the only one shit happened to.

You don't sound to me that you realy want to stop living....to stop being You simply want the pain to go away, you want things in your life to change, you want to correct a choice you made which it sounds like you've had a change of heart. If this is true. Think of how you can renegotiate the choice you made or find peace with it.

I'm here to talk things over with. And I won't get preachy. Those who hide in the shadows have taught me a lesson that was written about a long time ago about casting pearls before swine.

But just so we have this out upfront. Just because I promise not to get preachy doesn't mean I've lost faith. My anchor holds.

Hugs chchchanging

Re: depression, suicide, who cares?
Posted by Jenny on Mon Sep 17 16:08:53 2001 (#10410)

HEy babz, don't let life get you down. I can remember feeling like that.its been 7months since I took and od but look im still here. Things do get better.Not sounding horrible but take and over dose not of hard stuff that can kill you just enough to get you noticed.that way people will listen to you and you can move in with your mum. and PLEASE put some sheets on your bed it aint doin you much good lyin in your blood!Look on the bright side of life once you have overdosed! it worked for me! Email me and I will explain more!

Re: depression, suicide, who cares?
Posted by Matt on Fri Sep 21 05:15:33 2001 (#10474)

IM me, i would like to talk to you about this. I am exactly like you. My screen name is Matt22552255. that is on AIM. anyone else have these problems, i would LOVE to talk to you!

Matt

Dont worry
Posted by Andrea on Mon Sep 24 15:07:35 2001 (#10535)

Iv gone from trying to kill myself to cutting my self all over my body, i dont know how to cope i try my best, i carnt let anyone know because everyone just thinks im mad, if u wanna talk to me email me and we can talk about this togeather Andrea

hihihi
Posted by Katy on Tue Sep 25 12:16:29 2001 (#10564)

i would care but ur just amkeing a load of shit up!!! haha die bitch die

Re: hihihi
Posted by *poison on Wed Sep 26 04:28:06 2001 (#10578)

Katy. let me just say one thing here... do not tell me if i am lying until you have lived my life. until then YOU are the one who is in a worse position than i. for you have to hide your pain with anger, and make everyone believe that you all overpowering..and yet you are still a weakling inside. so until you have lived my life, and have gone through what i have keep ur fukking mouth shut. if you don't have something nice to say then keep it to urself. cuz no one really wants to hear that shit.

Amanda

im going to kill her
Posted by ashley on Mon Sep 10 04:53:34 2001 (#10278)

im swear to fucking god im going to kill her if she dosent stop i dont give a fuck i'll kill me too where the fuck does she get off i hate her so fucking much it burns im going to fucking kill him to they deserve each other i fucking hate both of them oh yes ashley ill have to call her in the morning fuck you just sit there and drink your goddamned wine coolers and smoke your goddamned cigarettes and laugh at the same fucking jokes and still find the dignity within yourself to go to fucking church and say everythings alright i know i sound so stupid like a little girl but i dont give a fuck i hope she fucking dies i am so fucking sick of her

damn
Posted by Selene on Mon Sep 10 07:22:22 2001 (#10280)

Hey,

Havent been here in awhile. How is everyone? God, Ive been feeling like shit. I havent taken my meds in awhile, but it wouldnt matter even if I was. I feel the same on them, cut the same on them, and I think the same on them, compared to when Im not on them. I cut like mad the other day, almost needed stitches but I just put some butterfly badndages on them, hell, maybe they did nees stitches, didnt heal to good. Well gotta go. Luv all you. Byebye. ~Mallory

I had it good once, then I remeber the cost
Posted by chchchanging on Mon Sep 10 10:04:50 2001 (#10281)

The young ppl on here won't get this. It is waaaaaay over their heads. But I had everything I wanted out of life, a home, a husband, and three children. We owned boats, one at a time, bought new vehicles a time of two, even bought new furniture just before.... just before it hit me that the price I was paying for all of it was too high.

The luxuries didn't make our family ok. It just painted a better picture, that of a happy middle class family.

Today, while walking to a yard sale, Paul and I passed a family standing around a car obviously preparing to go on an outing. Paul didn't notice. But the picture reminded me of my own family gathering around the truck and boat getting ready for a trip to a lake.

But the picture didn't show me and my kids crowed in the cab of the truck all day while their father stayed out on the lake IN THE RAIN hoping to catch even on fish.

I'm talking about having three children under the age of 4 cooped up in a very small space for often 6-8 hours because "Rain makes the fish bite", and yet he'd finally come to shore with no fish at all.

Can you believe I miss it. No I don't miss the crap..... or being stuck in a truck all day because its raining cats and dogs outside. NO>>> I miss gathering as a family getting ready to embark on a happy outing. I miss being on a lake, near a lake, catching fish. going to races, going to relatives houses for an evening, or day, of revelry, laughing, joking around, playing bad-mitten or vally ball, crocette.

It seems unthinkable that I would miss things like that when I remember the reality of those things.

And yet today Paul and I went to a yard sale and I found a coffee table, or maybe a tv stand with a giant black spot on the top, and I paid only $2 for it and it fits just right between my reclyner and loveseat, and provides room for my telephone, my laptop keyboard, a small flower arrangement, and Paul soda coaster, and there is even a spot under it for my dog, Trixi to sleep. You see I've learned that I can be happy with a $2 table than I was with one that cost about $200.

Living with spouses, or parents who drink, fight, and yell...and phyically abuse can make "having it all" too high a price on our sanity.

I would still make the trade to being poor and happy, than to have everything a middleclass family can have and be yelled at, beaten, abandoned, and abused.

And even though I'm pretty doped up with pain killers and antidepressants, I don't feel like cutting. I know I made the right decision leaving my children's father and giving up everything I owned just to get the divorce finalized as quickly as possible and to be free to live without abused or raped. Putting up with abuse is too high a price to pay for anything.

Tarred And Feathered With The Same Brush???
Posted by Karen on Mon Sep 10 15:33:09 2001 (#10282)

I read here everyday and follow you all quietly here on my side of the world. I never really post though, don't have a lot to say, there's not much my kind words can do in reality to help you, no more than you can me. BUT - now I have to ask and am interested in all your opinions. Why are we like this? What the hell is wrong with us to NEED to do these things? Other people have 'normal' outlets but why do we choose this way? I can not help what I do ... I try soooo damn hard to resist it but I just have to do it. It's like the awful fascination with looking at a car accident ... you know you shouldn't look but you are compelled to. Is it our childhood and upbringing? That is the only thing I can point it to. I didn't have the nicest upbringing but I know of worse, and those people don't do this ... they are normal. Oh I dunno. I'm just wondering. Talking out loud. I know I shouldn't say so ... but I love cutting. I love it and what is so laughable is I appear to be a perfectly normal person, the girl in front of you at the checkout whom you wouldn't take a second look at, and yet I have a totally unnormal secret. Bye XOX

Re: What's Normal!?
Posted by Chchchanging on Mon Sep 10 21:24:20 2001 (#10284)

I am the yougest of 4 girls born to my mother. The eldest got married at 14 to get away from my father (her step-dad) who'd been touching her for 7 years. She had a baby at 15 and when my mother found out the baby's father was beating her, she let in to him like flies on stink. (It was ok for her to abuse us but not my sister's husbands'. The same sister married agian and had a baby the same year (turned out the marriage my mother had for the two in Mexico wasn't real)

After 4 marriages my sister was a grown up friend of my mother's and my sister was strong willed and don't let anyone do her dirty. (Made from the same mold as Mama. She still has trouble reading and writing, but she is a leader in her community, and teaches art.

The second to the oldest married at 15, had two kids before the law got hold of her husband and put him behind bars. While he was locked up she was safe... and she met her now husband...who's father started dating my aunt, who was cheating on him, so my mother stepped in and informed him and the two of them got married, before my 2nd to the eldest married his middle son.

have I got to normal yet?

Well then there my sister I know better than the older two. we grew up together. She's been the center of attention since she was a preteen, married a cheating man who married her to not marry someone he got pregnet in Georgia. Thought he'd teach her to swim so he threw her off a bridge into the rapids, came home each night and told her who he had had sex with. Finally Mama brought her home to California, where she got pregnet by my oldest step-brother who was on leave waiting to be shipped off to Vietnam. The joke is that the guy who married her so he wouldn't have to be responsible for another baby turned out being responsible for the one my step-brother created. That's three half sisters. Their fathers brother was married to my father's sisters, but he drank, so my father step in like a knight in shining armor as swept her off her feet. I was born two months after they got married.... and I was planned.

Oh yeah, I have one true blood brother who decided, while intoxicated that he and his buddy needed more beer and they were almost home and didn't want to stop, so he would climb into the bed of the truck and get another six-pack, he hit the gravel shoulder of the road at about 60 miles an hour and his friend, not wanting to get into trouble drove on down the mountain and call the ambulance service anoymously. My brother is living and looks like a hermit with his long hair coverng the dent in his forehead.

I also have a semi-adopted brother who'se mother signed him over to us when he was about 4 months old, weighed 4 pounds and had a stomach on him like he had swallowed a watermelon, and his arms and legs were like toothpicks.

He hasn't been heard from in years. The family has figured he has gone undercover in the witness protection program since his girlfriend was murdered and he and the police think it was a case of mistaken identity

So What is normal?

nothing 2 do w/ SI
Posted by linzee on Mon Sep 10 22:15:31 2001 (#10285)

this has nothing to do with SI but im so upset about it i have to tell someone, every time i go to the doctri get a lecture about my weight and this time he was really really mean and i just want to cry.

Re: nothing 2 do w/ SI
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 11 01:10:38 2001 (#10291)

Linzee, Why does he lecture you about your weight? Are you too big, too little? It's not right to be mean about it, but he could be worried about health problems. Write me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

i need help
Posted by *me* on Mon Sep 10 23:12:08 2001 (#10286)

I know I need help. I know my feelings and what I do to myself are not what most people feel. I *honestly* wish there was a way for me to get help without anyone knowing. I am 16. Why is it that girls my age can go and get birth control for free anonymously, can go get abortions (ok don't even get me started on that, I am like SOOO pro-life it's not even funny), but newayz, how come things like that are "acceptable" to do anonymously and confidentially, but there is no place to go to get yourself help so you don't freaking KILL YOURSELF. Anyone you tell when you're under 18 will go tell your parent(s)/guardian(s). Why is that? I don't understand. I desperately want to get help, bc I can't take my life this way ne more, but it is impossible for me to do. I must live this way for 2 more years before I can even START to work on trying to help myself. It's not fair.

who does not?
Posted by *.* on Mon Sep 10 23:41:15 2001 (#10287)

.

Re: who does not?
Posted by ChrisE on Tue Sep 11 16:27:59 2001 (#10304)

fuck you, put your name if you want to diss people. This board is getting very bitchy.

my name to blame
Posted by *.* on Tue Sep 11 17:33:12 2001 (#10306)

you can fuck me by the name you know : *.* and im not sorry. everyones looking for help, perhaps this is my cynical way of asking. thank you for reply.

(((who does not ))) is an inconsiderate coward
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 11 05:47:44 2001 (#10295)

I am sorry for the hurt that remark may have caused you. Cowards like that hide in the shadows and assault ppl on this board just like real coward do in real life. It makes me angry. You are right that young people should be able to seek mental help when they need it. Tomorrow I will have a phone appointment with my therapist I will ask her for her suggestions. Email me and we can talk about it.

Did you get my card?

where was your help?!
Posted by *.* on Fri Sep 14 22:25:31 2001 (#10393)

not for me but for *me*.

just like chocolate! : )
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 11 00:45:27 2001 (#10288)

i got meds today to help the attacks but they make me wanna cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut, i feeeel so stressed out rite now and i keep getting bitched @ by my doctor, and these attacks make me wanna cutcutcutcutcut, i was doign better these past 2 weeks i'll even jump a lil and say i was " happy" my bubbly self again but nope not anymore, i cut last nite and it feltttttttt so good, like when u get a craving for chocolate and when u finaly get it, it feels wonderful i cant explain how good it felt, but i knew it was wrong i was doing so well and i knew i was being bad, but i didnt care at that moment. just thought i'd share taht!

Re: just like chocolate! : )
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 00:03:53 2001 (#10319)

know what? I think I understand what you mean about the just like chocolate stuff. Also likes smokes after the craving gets bad. (I am currently smoking way too much, so now I am out with no possibility of smokes for at least a couple of days). But yeah, I hope you are doing okay, and I do hope it gets better for you. Take care, lyssie

a message to all of u!
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 11 00:47:36 2001 (#10289)

i just have to say that i really enjoy u guys even tho sometimes this board can be a lil depressing i really like posting here and posting back to u all i love having u guys post back but even if u dont post back i still feel good to let it out on here.

LinZee ->xoxo<-

Re: a message to all of u!
Posted by *poison on Tue Sep 11 01:09:27 2001 (#10290)

I second that! and i want to say thank you to everyone who replies to (mine in perticuluar) messages posted here because it really makes me at least feel wanted and accepted, and i know that i can say anything here and there is someone out there who doesn't think i'm f*cked up etc.

~Amanda~

It is good to post, and its good to get responses
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 11 06:06:26 2001 (#10296)

I really haven't been on the board lately since the uprising about expressing my faith, and changing my name and falling down several times, and being medicated. I want you, Linzee, and poison to know that I read your post. I read many post. Some I respond to on the board and some I email. I think I'm the oldest cutter here. I've had lots of experiences, but never really about being underweight. I was teased in about the 4th grade about being the skinniest kid in my class and I set out to gain weight and low and behold I still am.

I can't say I rank cutting with the estacy of eating chocolate, but when life gets too chaotic cutting is the only thing that makes the merry-go-round STOP. in a flash.

Re: we love you too linzee !
Posted by emm on Tue Sep 11 17:39:35 2001 (#10307)

im glad to hear you say that!! and i definatly feel the same way. i feel much better knowing that there are people who can understand and care about me.

you in particular are really special to me and missed u greatly whilst i was ill.

love ya Emma ***

what a day
Posted by erica on Tue Sep 11 04:01:09 2001 (#10292)

Today I went to the college health centre to find out about a needle required for my course. Since I didn't have to bring anything special I decided to get the needle. Anyways I go to the back to get my needle and the nurse has me put out my arm. She looked at the cuts I made last night and asked me about them. How could I have been so stupid. I should have worn long sleeves today, but I thought since I only had a few cuts on my arm and wrist and since they weren't deep nobody would notice. I should have waited for my cuts to heal before I went to get the needle. I just feel so stupid. At least she was really good about it. She told me that if I ever need anything I can go there. I also went to see one of the school counsellors. My regular therapist has told me that she wont help me stop cutting because I haven't outright said certain things. So I talked with the counsellor. He offered last year to help me stop, so I decided I'm going to take him up on his offer. He's really nice. I just wish I hadn't been so stupid in the health centre. God when will I ever learn.

Erica

hi...
Posted by Kate on Tue Sep 11 05:01:19 2001 (#10293)

Hi. My name is Kate, and I am definetely new. I recently came to grips w/ my bad habits, and I was searching the Net to see what I could find out about SI, and I came across this. What a great place...for a long time I thought I was nuts and completely alone. Now I know I'm not, and even though I don't know any of you yet, thank you for being there. I don't feel so lonely now...

Welcome to the Board
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 11 06:21:30 2001 (#10297)

Not all of us are cutters. We are blessed with several people who do not cut, one is Tara's Mom = Rhonda, the other is Linda. They offers love and support. As far as I know I am the oldest cutter here. I turned 49 in July. If you go back to the "eons" setting you will read some of my posts under the user name of overcoming-1. You can also get to know many of us that way. In doing so you will better get a fix on who we all are and our situations. If you need someone you want to chat with or need comforting someone will get back to you soon. We are from all over the globe so when its nighttime where I am others are almost haveing lunch. Again welcome Dawn

Re: hi...
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 11 18:03:46 2001 (#10313)

heyhey imlinzee welcome! i'll be happy to listin to ur problems e-mailif u neeed anything, i thinkur going to like this board

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/archive/ratatosk/052

© 2002 Ratatosk - Page generated by Yggdrasil, Fri Oct 4 2002 (20:00:47)
All stories, poems and comments on this site are owned by their respective authors.