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Threads 2451 to 2500

emotional purge
Posted by necrosis on Thu Aug 23 07:21:37 2001 (#9841)

alone & intoxicated, the apathetic acceptance. the will to live has the desire to die. without love there is nothing. With love sleeps emotional masacre. Everything hurts but love hurts worst without love there is nothing.

Love is a corpse. Necrophiliac orgy pleasures the unfeeling. Love kills & saves me from comfort Comfort kills love but saves my feelings. I shall never die while I remain estranged from love. A walking corpse steals life from its own coffin & lives.

you can't kill a man that was never alive. a junkie to self destruction, an addiction that ensures survival. Foster a dream & be born into a reality lose all you have & become yourself. Only yourself exists, without yourself you are without. Starved of love, I perspire an unsatiated appetite A hunger that keeps me alive is a death that hunts me

Isolation remains my tortured sanity my remains will be a sacred profanity

love is all I ever lived for love is what kept me from living

A ghost can never die & love always lies. A shadow that bleeds, yet love will never leave my shadow

An open heart impailed by the perception of truth ensconced in fatigue forever weary, kill a Christian. Love is a corpse, dead today, gone tommorrow

for somber cats

take care all xx

Happy and hurting
Posted by Maggie on Thu Aug 23 11:58:14 2001 (#9843)

I'm still happy... this up cycle is lasting a long time. Everything is going so well in all aspects of my life... so why then do I still regularly pick up a hammer/heavy object and ram it into my chest. I have this constant dull ache on my chest, and it makes me feel almost feel safe...

I have no reason to exert violence on myself right now... not depressed, stressed, anxious... just an idiopathic addiction to pain. Is that possible? I always thought SIers have a reason... but I dont...

Re: Happy and hurting
Posted by Tara on Thu Aug 23 19:25:59 2001 (#9856)

there is nothing wrong with you if that is what you are thinking.this thing that we do(SI)is an addiction.its like a ciggarette.we just need it even if we are not depressed or stressed out.it is a big pain in the ass i know.try this.think of thing to keep your hands busy so that they won't pick anything up that will cause you to hurt yourself.i know that it will be a struggle.it is for me.everyday.even though i have not cut in awhile.i still fight off the urges to pick up a knife and slice away at my arms.just try .that is all that i ask.i don't want to see you get severally hurt.i know that you might like the feeling that it gives you but it only lasts for so long.then you have to do it all over again.well i better go for now.e-mail me if you need or want to.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: Happy and hurting
Posted by Dawn..overcoming-1 on Fri Aug 24 08:17:55 2001 (#9888)

A therapist told me once that even though on the surface we are not feeling sad, unhappy, depressed (whatever that really means) that the feelings are still there, under the surface, somewhere hiding and interferring with our conscious mind.

I don't know your past. It may have been euphoric as far as I know, but I know mine and.....my chest brought a lot of unwanted attention my way, and there are times when anger rises up in my and urges me to punish my chest for bringing about abuse.

That is just my take on it.... Your reason might be totally different.

God bless you and I hope you find the answers you are looking fo. love and hugs Dawn

Lets lighten it up some...
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 23 16:56:56 2001 (#9845)

"Deep Thoughts" by Jack H.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I love those things....

Re: Lets lighten it up some...
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 23 17:04:48 2001 (#9846)

Another funny one:

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. "

and

"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. "

Re: Lets lighten it up some...
Posted by Linda on Thu Aug 23 17:29:37 2001 (#9847)

LOLOLOL I rest my case!!! You are the bomb!! (Don't ask me what that means....I heard my kids say it and I think it means you're "cool" or is it you are "hot" or well whatever!!!!!!!!!)

Re: Lets lighten it up some...
Posted by linzee on Thu Aug 23 18:30:37 2001 (#9852)

heehee u silly BOY! hahaa...post some more if u got em!

quotes
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 23 19:38:10 2001 (#9859)

"Insanity is my only means of relaxation."

"I am starting to get offended by all of the people who get offended so easily."

"The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in an insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out."

"I don't doubt for a minute that you can catch more flies with sugar or honey than you can with vinegar. But... who in the hell wants a lot of flies anyway?"

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

Im sorry...one more
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 23 20:01:00 2001 (#9862)

One of my all-time favorites:

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

hi
Posted by gurl on Thu Aug 23 17:36:00 2001 (#9849)

hi...i am back, but you all probably don't remember me. lol...that is fine though. yeah...well, bye 4 now

Re: hi
Posted by Tara on Thu Aug 23 19:15:00 2001 (#9855)

hi,

i do remember you.do you remember me?how are you doing?fine i hope.i am doing ok i guess.i am still trying to get over my ex.well enough said for now.just know that you can e-mail me anytime.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: hi
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 24 02:56:57 2001 (#9879)

I remember you! Good to see you back. Take care.

i was just wondering...
Posted by gurl on Thu Aug 23 17:39:07 2001 (#9850)

hey, i know that most of us who are in here cut, but do you guys do anything else-like bruising?

Re: i was just wondering...
Posted by Shawna on Sat Sep 1 18:17:57 2001 (#10075)

I'm new here, but I saw this. I burn, and sometimes bite myself, and I've done it in classes too, where I'll chew on my thumbs or something until they bleed, and everyone just looks at me and shakes there heads. Nobody gives a flying fuck. Talk to everyone later

~*~Shawna~*~

hi
Posted by Understood on Mon Sep 3 22:39:41 2001 (#10121)

Even though everyone has their different reasons to do da things they do...I think maybe we just want to be loved and know that we are being taken care of........there's a book that changed my life...but check it out, it really did alot for me when I was depressed, and eventhough da title may sound a little cheesy------it's not. It's called Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch......check it out and email me telling me what you think......it has a whole thing on life and death.

i wonder why...
Posted by guernica on Tue Sep 4 19:12:03 2001 (#10143)

i'm new in here as well but this is somehow and interesting topic. i don't know, of course i do different things as well. but i am not extreme, all is so lame, nothing is my limit and i wonder why... as long as i don't drink acid or something, i think i'm not all too fucked up. i cut, i slice, i bite, i punch, i kick, i scratch and stuff... but it's so empty. all is so fucking empty...

Re: i was just wondering...
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 23 17:44:13 2001 (#9851)

When I am in very extreme pain, and cutting is not painful enough, I burn myself. I don't do it very often, but it happens.

Re: i was just wondering...
Posted by gurl on Fri Aug 31 23:05:13 2001 (#10056)

i do that too, but not every day

Re: i was just wondering...
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Fri Aug 24 00:44:04 2001 (#9872)

i have occasionally punched walls which brusies my hands but i generally cut myself (although i haven't done it for EIGHT WEEKS) i'm feeling quite happy about that

Re: i was just wondering...
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 24 02:58:31 2001 (#9880)

Bruise, scratch, dig w/ my nails, burn w/ my curling iron.

Re: i was just wondering...
Posted by erica on Sun Aug 26 01:26:50 2001 (#9951)

Hi, just recently I've started banging my back and head against the wall.

erica

happE
Posted by linzee on Thu Aug 23 18:33:21 2001 (#9853)

im having a really good day to day! ...i thought i'd share that b/c its so rare!!!!!!!!!

HAPPe dAY TO ALL!

Re: happE
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 23 19:28:12 2001 (#9858)

Excellent. Good for you!

Here is wishing you many more.....

Re: happE
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Fri Aug 24 00:45:27 2001 (#9873)

YAY!!!!!

to good for u
Posted by linzee on Thu Aug 23 18:45:22 2001 (#9854)

i havent been raped or anythign but when ppl my age aske why i cut they think "look at her" " blonde hair blue eyes thin " she has everything she wants /needs. but that doesnt mean im un happy, it does stop teh pain that i feel, and i always want to say i was raped.. then they'd be O ok, if i just say i dont know they give mean mean stares and looks.

ands its not like i want to cut( part of me yes part of me NO) but i dont wnat to go on on about how it makes me feel better and stuff so i say i dont know or.. i don tfeel like talkign about it, but then they get mad

ARGH!!!!!! 15/16 gurls ( i am one but still) can be sooo ugh, o she doesnt want to tell us b/c shes to good for us blah blah!

Re: to good for u
Posted by linzee on Thu Aug 23 21:29:38 2001 (#9863)

i meant 15/16 for there ages! lol i just relized that

Hi
Posted by Angelica on Thu Aug 23 19:26:09 2001 (#9857)

Hi I used to come to this board, but never posted. And here I am having made my way back. I'm actually feeling ok today, not great, but not shit either. I haven't cut for a couple of weeks, don't know why, but I'm sure the urge will return soon, never stays away for long. Love 'n' blood soaked tears xxx

Re: Hi
Posted by Tara on Fri Aug 24 00:24:44 2001 (#9870)

your right.the urges don't stay gone for long.i have had them for 4 years and they still haunt me everyday.i am glad that you have not cut in a couple of weeks.i hope that it stays that way for awhile.if you do cut again don't give up on yourself.you never can.i had to learn that the hard way.unlike some people on this board(i am not talking bad about anyone)i hate seeing my scars everyday.i wish it would disapper forever.but i know it does not happen that way.i hate knowing why i caused each one of my scars.i affects me in ways i never thought it would.sorry if i am boring you.i am gonna go anyway.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Life Sucks Sometimes
Posted by KT on Thu Aug 23 19:50:42 2001 (#9860)

Hello everyone or to who ever reads this. I'm Katie, I've posted here before but for some time. I'm having a shity day and have no one else to tell so I figured that I would come here and tell who ever reads this. My mother is putting me in the hospital b/c of my cutting, I know that I need help but I don't like that I have to be forced into it! Oh,well I guess it will be ok. Thanks for listening to me. ~crazy kt

Re: Life Sucks Sometimes
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Fri Aug 24 00:48:17 2001 (#9874)

life can suck. but please don't look at hospital as a bad thing i went to a doctor and it was a good thing life does get better (promise)

hey colin, fuck you
Posted by Alana on Thu Aug 23 22:11:28 2001 (#9864)

that's about all I have to say.

I was talking to an old friend of yours...remember anything you told him about me? Not good. Don't ever talk to me again.

Re: hey colin, fuck you
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Thu Aug 23 22:34:57 2001 (#9865)

Thank you... I say the same... except I am not a "friend" or even an enemy to him... I am simply me... I hate with a passion like no other... and I love it...

Forever yours - Kitty

Re: hey colin, fuck you
Posted by Tara on Fri Aug 24 00:13:20 2001 (#9869)

hey Alana,

why are you so mad at Colin?as far as i know all he did was help people like us.also he was always there to talk to.so why so much anger?Colin is a very good friend of mine so that does mean that i am going to say something when a post like this comes up.well gotta jet.

Sincerly,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

reasons
Posted by Sharon on Thu Aug 23 22:48:33 2001 (#9866)

Hey guys,

Someone posted that we seem to focus on cutting as our problem and not as a symptom of something else. That just struck me as really true. For the longest time, I thought that if I could just resist the urges, just not pick up that knife, I'd be ok. But then one night I really did resist, really did put the knife back down, but the strange thing was that I didn't feel any release. I didn't feel like I had beaten anything. And it hit me that's because cutting is not my "problem" so to speak, it's just a sign that some other problem is there. Needless to say, I got a really sick feeling in my stomach at that moment, talk about throwing away your life on a lie! Well, maybe not that drastic, but you know. Anyway, lately I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" for lack of a better term, and I've realized some of the reasons I cut (a perfectionistic mentality born from being rejected at a young age, etc. etc.)

So . . . I guess I just wanted to share that, there's really no other reason to this post. Thought some people could relate or what-have-you.

hugs,

Sharon

DOES ANYBODY ELSE?????
Posted by *~*Little Baby Nothin*~* on Thu Aug 23 23:27:45 2001 (#9867)

does anybody else here find they are totally addicted to sex and stuff? i hear all the time uits because u crave love and u never got it, but my parents love me immesnely and im an only child so no jealousy.... im just addicted? im addicted to bein bad i guess, but its sexual activity mostly i crave, well, second to cigarettes? and i dont care if ur like too old/young to reply to this becuz i dont judge im sooooo in no position to!!! PLEZ REPLY i wanna know..... when im doing stuff, whether its full blown sex or just lil touches and kisses, its the only time i feel alive.... i left this on the suicide bord too but nbody goes there much so i figured put it here

Re: DOES ANYBODY ELSE?????
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 24 16:53:59 2001 (#9897)

I have always been told that I have an unhealthy preoccupation with sex. But, then again that was a comment from my wife. After years of wondering if I was the problem, I realized that she has her own issues, and does not like sex, at all. I just wish I had known sooner.

Suffice it to say that I never have sex any more. I just can't bring myself to even initiate because I feel like I am FORCING her, which to me, is very, very wrong. I think that is also part of own performance problems. This is very hard for me because I consider myself to be very affectionate and I really, really miss the closeness with another person. I feel disconnected from everyone else. I don’t feel human.

Many would say, why not have an affair? Because I won't walk out, or betray my kids like that any more. I have made my mistakes in the past. I already know that my life is over, and I will NEVER be happy, no matter what I do, so I want to try and make it better for my kids. I don't want them to go thru went I have been thru.

I am already dead, in my mind. Just waiting for the body to follow.

But I digress; we were discussing your situation. You asked if maybe you were addicted.

I happen to be reading a book, “I don’t want to talk about it. Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression” by Terrence Real. A chapter in the book (which I think relates to both males and females) is about addiction: to substances, actions or people. Many times people who are depressed try to bolster self-esteem thru a sexual connection to another person, either because something was lacking in their lives, or they perceived something was lacking. When that connection is broken, the depression tends to get worse.

I think it all depends on your attitude towards affection and sex. I don’t think there is anything wrong with either; you may just be a naturally affectionate person. But, if you find yourself in considerable pain when you don’t have sex or can’t be with another person, you may be trying to use them as a replacement for what you perceive to be lacking.

Then again, I am a nut case, so I could be completely wrong.

:)

Re: DOES ANYBODY ELSE?????
Posted by *~* Little Baby Nothin *~* on Sat Aug 25 00:48:46 2001 (#9913)

your not a nutcase...!!!

For Mother...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Thu Aug 23 23:47:36 2001 (#9868)

Hello mother dear... Rather than let you feel my pain I'd sooner plunge my spoon into your eyes You punish me too often Such feral madness struck of lies Cinder blocks and tinder box I'll set your corpse to fire Fuck you mother dearest It is you who is the liar...

- Kitty

hey guys
Posted by Tara on Fri Aug 24 00:36:17 2001 (#9871)

hey guys,

thought i would say hi.i am doing ok i guess.i have come close to cutting again.i just want to get away from here.i am so stressed out right now.a couple of nights ago i kept wishing for death to hurry up and come and take me away.i am tired.all i do is sleep anymore.i work my ass off and now i am starting GED classes.on top of that i am studying for my asvab which is for the army.when i get my GED i am starting college.also my ex(joe)i am still trying to get over him but he calls me and wants me to go to his place and hang with him and some friends.i love him so much but then i hate him.i am confused.well i have to go.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: hey guys
Posted by linzee on Fri Aug 24 01:45:14 2001 (#9876)

hang in there!, i know i dont talk to u much, i do ur mom tho, but hang in there! ur a tough chic! i know u can make it!

The kitty vs. the zealot (colin)
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Fri Aug 24 01:29:39 2001 (#9875)

If it were possible for me, the mere mortal I am to have colin banned from this wall I would have it done much to the delight of more than one other person... those who worship him and view him in such a light as "nice and helpful" are naieve beyond comprehension and have sunken to an infathomable depth... I am prepared to goto war over this... even if I alone fight the battle... he has done nothing but hurt or attempt to hurt those that are most valuable in this world and their closest friends and those who should understand defend him... stop the tyrant before another dies... no more hiding behind the church for him...

LITHER'ZINE - HATE ME

- Morbid Kitty

Re: The kitty vs. the zealot (colin)
Posted by Linda on Fri Aug 24 02:45:39 2001 (#9878)

Kitty, It would be nice if you would list the things that he has actually done that deem him worthy of this kind of rage. Perhaps we have not seen both sides but at least give us the opportunity to make our own decisions. I spoke to Colin on a few occasions. I found him to be very kind and considerate. I have nothing else to base my opinion on. I can't imagine him doing anything that could warrant such speech. Please explain.

Re: The kitty vs. the zealot (colin)
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Fri Aug 24 15:59:07 2001 (#9895)

Kitty i will stand strong by your side and fight this battle as your second.

Re: The kitty vs. the zealot (colin)
Posted by LOST on Fri Aug 24 23:53:51 2001 (#9908)

hahahahhahahhahahahahah damn... the way u guys talk about it sounds so fuckn funny. "i am prepared to go to war" "i will fight this battle as ur second" come on u guys... there are better things to spend ur time doing

Re: The kitty vs. the zealot (colin)
Posted by elle on Sat Aug 25 00:52:39 2001 (#9914)

LOST, i've missed ya girl!

Re: The kitty vs. the zealot (colin)
Posted by *Poi§on on Sat Aug 25 03:38:52 2001 (#9922)

i know kitty on a more personal basis, and i'm not choosing sides here but just explaining. Kitty is upset with Colin because they goto the same school and colin came over his house occasionally and then all of a sudden colin tried to change and tell kitty that he should be christian. etc. and when kitty refused to do so, colin no longer wanted contact with kitty.

-Amanda-

Get A Grip
Posted by Maggie on Sat Aug 25 07:07:06 2001 (#9934)

Never in the 10 months that I have frequented this board have I ever made a personal attack at someone, but YOU are way out of your depth to generalise Colins motives for being on this board. You state: "he has done nothing but hurt or attempt to hurt those that are most valuable in this world" yet he was one of my biggest supports when I was at my worse. He listened to me, never judged me, offered me advice. In fact he did this for so many people... does it matter whether he believed that Jesus was the way to get better? We are all entitled to our own thoughts and the purpouse of this board is to be able to speak freely without the judgement of other people.

It angers me when you talk of banning him from here... if anyone doesn't fit in it's you... I think there are many more people on this board who were touched in a positive way by his presence here, than those that are just bitter and need a scapegoat. I frankly don't care about these Alana/Suzie issues that happened ages ago... I understand how easy it is to get attached to those that support you, yet you can't blame that person if they don't reciprocate that same dependancy. I resent you labelling me as naive for knowing that Colin is a good guy - someone that genuinely cares for others, who puts others before himself always. You may not believe in Jesus/God but DO NOT condemn others who do. Maybe you may have had personal problems with him, but that's your issues, and you have no right to try taint our views just because you are angry. You are stepping on too many people's toes around here. Please stop your attacks, before you cause any more harm.

Re: Get A Grip
Posted by Nuni on Sat Aug 25 23:46:23 2001 (#9943)

APPLAUSE!! You said it girlfriend. Speaking of which, I havent heard from you in a while. Im glad things are going very well for you. I hope your high spirits continue and I will never stop caring aboout you. Huge hugs my sister!! Keep in touch, Nuni

just not worth it
Posted by linzee on Fri Aug 24 02:03:54 2001 (#9877)

well my life goes no where, is going no where, nextyear i'll be in gr 10 and its the same shit as last year, it seems like i just gotta school and im going back in a lil more then a week. how high school big deal 3 more years then i have to slave my ass of to make a living life is just not worth it ....like me, i see nothing good in my future

IT CAN BE
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 24 08:50:00 2001 (#9889)

Sometimes if we look ahead of us and see nothingness, or "same oh stuff, different day" it turns out exactly as we see it.

I've told some of my life stories enough that when I start to tell a story they get it in their head its going to end shitty.

Well, now... my E N T I R E ...life was not that way. Life is made up of good and bad days, moments, weeks, years.... sure I married the wrong man, or did I?

I fell in love, I learned to sit quietly in the wild and hunt and fish, I got to go to lakes and mountains, I found moments of peace inside days of chaos. And I had children, and now have grandchildren, who grow and change.

I didn't pay much attention in high school, I was trying too hard to find a place to "fit in", and running away from home, to places which were worse.

Now I wish I had paid more attention because I've discovered I love archtechure, and gardening, and trees. Only my body is wearing out and its too late to learn what I wish I had paid attention to when I was younger.

Try and think one good thougth a day and write it down. Look around when you are outside and see if something inside you cries out to know more about it.

I agree lectures can be boring, but if you listen with your inner ear you might discover a deeper part of you love and hugs Dawn

why?
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 24 03:06:58 2001 (#9881)

These are supposed to be "the best years of my life." If this is as good as life gets, what's the point of living?

Re: why?
Posted by lost on Fri Aug 24 03:25:03 2001 (#9882)

good question... i guess you just have to make the best of things...

Re: why?
Posted by the REAL LOST on Fri Aug 24 23:55:20 2001 (#9909)

uhm..... gotta change ur name... i've had this name for a year and a half. sorry

Re: why?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 25 03:44:48 2001 (#9923)

Honey, If we knew why, no one would have any problems. Please take care of yourself. Love ya, Rhonda

i just swallow my collection of pills
Posted by Lindsey on Fri Aug 24 04:38:20 2001 (#9883)

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! *screams as loud as she can!* This has been such a bullshit week!!!

-I get a fish and it dies in four days.

-I get a new fish and it dies in three days.

-I ODed on laxatives and literally thought I was going to die this morning.

-The water hose on the washer cracked open and water shot all over the basement and I was the only one home, so I had to clean it up.

-My art teacher [practically my mother] gave me this vase that she made and I tipped over my little table and it hit the floor and shattered.

-My best friend of 14 years gave me a crystal box that also shattered.

-I scratched the shit out of the hard wood floors in the dinning room.

-I sliced the hell out of my collar bone [who the fuck cuts on their collar bone?!]

-My cat vomited all over the basement and I stepped in it.

-My half-sister's pissed because I won't go to the world series drag car racing weekend with her.

-My other half-sister's pissed because I never talk to her.

-People are jumping up my ass about getting a job [I have a fear of leaving the house; how can I get a job?]

I ... I see ending it all as the only way out. I just can't deal with this any more. The whole self-abuse/eating disorder/phobia/victim lifestyle ... I can't deal with it any more. I'm alone [literally]; all my friends are off to college [I'm the only one in my class that said no to college]. I just don't know what to do any more. I feel so helpless. And yes, I know I'm not helpless and all that shit, so don't reply saying that I'm not; I know! And I don't want to hear any Christian/God/Jesus bullshit from anyone either! I'm not a Christian, I never was a Christian, I'm not going to be a Christian; I was born and bred Wiccan.

*sighs* Sorry if I insulted anyone, I just ...

... whatever.

Re: i just swallow my collection of pills
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 24 05:44:11 2001 (#9885)

Lindsey, I care. Life stinks sometimes but please hang in there. love and hugs Dawn

Re: i just swallow my collection of pills
Posted by elle on Fri Aug 24 06:19:57 2001 (#9886)

hey, i am the only one from my grade that didnt go to college either. all my friends left this week. sucks ass.

Re: i just swallow my collection of pills
Posted by linzee on Fri Aug 24 15:54:39 2001 (#9894)

LInds!!!!!!!!!1 everyone has bad days!, urs was a bad bad bad bad day! but im sure for all the bad days u have theres the just the same goOd! hang in there!!!!!!!!!

Re: i just swallow my collection of pills
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 24 17:27:59 2001 (#9900)

I consider myself an enlightened person when it comes to religion, because after my break with Christianity, I studied many religions and theologies. I have a soft spot in my heart for Wicca because I believe it is a beautiful way to live: harmony with others, harmony with the environment and supports an idea that I personally follow in my life which is summed up in the last line of the Wiccan Rede:

“An harm ye none, do what ye will.”

I have also found Wiccans to be very accepting of others paths and religious beliefs, because they believe that there is no such thing as only “one path”. The tenth Wiccan principle states:

“Our only animosity towards Christianity, or towards any other religion or philosophy of life, is to the extent that its institutions have claimed to be "the only way", and have sought to deny freedom to others and to suppress other ways of religious practice and belief.”

Which is why I am perplexed by your anger towards the Christians on this board who are trying to offer comfort the best way THEY know how.

I also understand you are having a very tough time right now, and I can sympathize. I hope you don’t think I am being mean or judgmental; it was not my intention. Just pointing it out.

Lindsey, I’m an old fart (well, 33 anyway), but I do have experience in life and I will tell you that things WILL get better and they will get worse. It is a fact of life for people like us. And to steal a line for a book title, try not to “sweat the small stuff”. Keep your head up and walk tall.

And to close, from the Wiccan Rede of Chivalry:

“Courage and honor endure forever. Their echoes remain when the mountains have crumbled to dust. Have pride in thyself, and seek perfection in body and in mind. For the Lady has said, "How can thou honor another unless thou give honor to thyself first?" Those who seek the mysteries should consider themselves as select of the Gods, for it is they who lead the race of humans to the highest of thrones and beyond the very stars.”

Blessed be!

GUILTY VERDICT... - JUDGE KITTY
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Fri Aug 24 05:01:17 2001 (#9884)

"Never in all my years of judging have I found another more deserving of the penalty of law..." - Pink Floyd...

Here I am asked to prove his guilt... play prosecution hmm? The defense has no case... hanging it will be...

The most obvious element here would be with Alana... claiming to love her but stating "She is stupid I can only love christ I toy with her" and the like... Then going behind her back with another female... inexcusable... the bible itself condemns adultery...

Secondly... his constant proclaimations of how weak I am... and how he was superior in everything... even cutting... which is the untouchable subject...

Thirdly and most undeniably... the cursing of the entire board... "None of them are intelligent" were his words...

Ironic isn't it...

Defence care to cross examine? - KITTY

Kitty, what are you up to?
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 24 09:04:37 2001 (#9890)

Do you want someone to play cat and mouse with? Well I'll not play.

I know that jealousy can turn ppl green, and fill one's hearts and minds with threachery. I've felt a time or two myself. I wanted to bring the Guilty to court and set myself up as judge, jury, and executioner. But God.... God knew the truth and vengence is his.

None of us win.... when we set out to destroy.

Kitty, show some mercy and grace at let this thing, whatever it is, let it go.....

just another voice on the board Dawn

Dawn
Posted by a little voice that is never heard on Sat Aug 25 00:59:17 2001 (#9917)

jealousy? how the fuck can you say jealousy? I thought colin was nice aswell, and i can find no reason for morbid Kitty to lie, i havent spoken personally but from what ive heard he is a real gr8 guy. So i beleive him, and i think Colin is full of shit. you call Morbid jealous just because you want to keep yourself blind and keep this little image of perfection, well i learnt the hard fucking way that perfection oesnt exist and the more you close ur eyes to it and pretend the worse the fucking outcome. you assume morbid is jealous and talking bullshit, when from wht i can see the only bullshit being spouted lately seems to come from you. no mattwer what your talking about be it religion or teabags your Fucking Preach it to everyone!!! Kitty is speaking the truth you have no right to accuse him of being jealous. jealous? jealous of what a lying little religious cpontradicting fuckwit? stop talking such utter wank and get over yourself

Re: GUILTY VERDICT... - JUDGE KITTY
Posted by Linda on Fri Aug 24 17:00:12 2001 (#9898)

Well, Kitty. I have no defense for Colin since I really don't know him very well but I will say this. Many times we Chrisitans use the word "love". Maybe we throw that word around because it is such a part of us. Maybe we use it and others may read more into it than should be read. I can truly say that I love you. I love the soul that exists in you. I love the part of you that challenges and questions to the limits. How can I say that? Because God loves you and He lives in me. Sometimes I believe that people read into the word "love" a lust or desire to have. That is not the case in many instances. Thank you for bringing this to light. I am going to be very careful in the future to whom I say "I love you" to. Thanks

Re: GUILTY VERDICT... - JUDGE KITTY
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:12:14 2001 (#9945)

Ohh, I did not read into the word "love". It was made quite clear to me by Colin what he meant, and it was not - God lives in me, and therefore I love you. It was love like I want to be with you love. I think I made myself clear. But I'm over all the crap. DONE! ~Alana~

Re: GUILTY VERDICT... - JUDGE KITTY
Posted by Linda on Sun Aug 26 14:31:00 2001 (#9965)

((((((((( Alana)))))))))) I can only say that I am very sorry that it happened.

Dependence Upon Me
Posted by Pam on Fri Aug 24 12:10:48 2001 (#9891)

I ANTICIPATE YOUR DEPENDENCE UPON ME

My child, give me your heart, for out of it are the issues of life. I say unto you, My hand is upon you, and I will keep you in all places wherever you go. Yes, I am your God, and I am your father, and I will care for you and provide for you according to all that you need. I will be at your side, ready to help you whenever you call upon me. I am not unmindful of any of your needs, my concern is for you.

You do not need to carry your own load, I will be happy to help you to carry it and also hold you up. You do not walk alone or meet any situation alone, because I am with you, and I will give you wisdom and strength, and my blessing will be upon you. Only keep your heart set on Me and your affection on things above; because I cannot bless you unless you ask Me and I cannot answer if you don't call, and I can't minister to you except you come to me.

Don't wait to feel more worthy no one is worthy of my blessings. My grace bypasses all your shortcomings, and I give to My children because they ask me and because I love them, I do not love one more than another. I give most liberally to those who ask the most of me. I love to have you depend upon me. That is why your Spirit within you cries "Abba -- Father. As your father I am aware of you dependence upon me. You may by maturity outgrow your dependence upon your human parents, but as my child, you will never outgrow your spiritual need for me to be your father. I know your need even before you ask.

Heaven's resources are at your command, and you need never want, so long as I am your Shepherd. Don't think in your heart that since I know all about you, that you don't need to talk with me. It is true that I know, but you need to talk with me so that in telling me you may experience the release of an open heart, and the fellowship of a Friend.

As you open your heart to me, I will come to you. As you talk with me, I will talk with you. As you reveal yourself to me, I will reveal myself to you. This is a law of life. There must be action to bring reaction. There must be a question to bring an answer. There must be an expression of love and confidence on the part of one person to arouse a corresponing response in another person.

Never presume my presence, Never assume that knowing your need I will automatically supply. Ask, and it shall be given. Call upon me, and I will answer you. Tell me that you love me, and I will make your heart to know in a very real way my love for you and my nearmess and you will never feel alone.

Welcome me into you heart, and the more you sense my p0resence within you, the more you will feel at home no matter where you might be. Forget anything else, but never forget this.

((( PAM )))) Linda, was right
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Fri Aug 24 12:22:56 2001 (#9892)

Pam, I haven't seen you on the board before but it is as though you read my mail. Someone was just saying practically the same thing to me today. I asked Jesus into my heart but have left him out of my pain. Linda, if you read this, I understand now. I..... I need some alone time with God.

short good bye
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Fri Aug 24 12:33:43 2001 (#9893)

It is hard to say this, because this has been the only place my cutting has found home. But I love God. And more importantly God loves me. When I was on the streets being raped I was not seeking after God. And I only cried out to him during and after the rape.

If I was it closer contact with him then most of my assaults might not have happened.

I've been telling ppl, but it usually ends in me cutting. So I'm going to take a break from the board and spend my time with God.

Email me and we can keep in touch that way. Maybe soon I will be back with a message of hope. love and hugs Dawn...overcoming-1

Fuck god!
Posted by Angelica on Fri Aug 24 16:49:17 2001 (#9896)

I don't believe in a god. And if I did believe in one, I'd violently desteste him for the evil things that have happenend to me. Love 'n' blood soaked tears xxxx

Re: Fuck god!
Posted by KT on Fri Aug 24 17:22:41 2001 (#9899)

Angelica, I hope you have something to belive in.

Dawn, I'm glad to here that you are doing what is best for you. Please remember that it was not your fault or Gods that bad things have happened to you. Staay strong and find the strenght you in in God if that will help. We all need something or someone to believe in.

~katie

Angelica....
Posted by Amanda on Fri Aug 24 21:14:57 2001 (#9904)

i think the subject "fuck god!" is kinda inappropriate(soz bout the spelling) this is just my opion. i am not a christian so i do not believe in that god. but i am a pagan. i believe in what is known as the "Divine" it is not male or female, it is everything. and it has no form, if you want to picture it then it is a ball of light. i am not as strong a pagan as i was a while ago, but i still believe that the idea of a "god" is up to each person. everyone has different ideas of what "god" is, and i think its wrong to disrespect peoples beliefs by saying fuck god.

anyways that my bit. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Angelica....
Posted by KT on Fri Aug 24 23:52:16 2001 (#9907)

Amanda, I hope I did not offend you with my rresponse to Angelica's post. I did not intitle it "Fuck God" I just responded to it. If that message was directed at Angelica then sorry for waisting your time with this. I wasn't sure b/c of the way it is addressed. Like I said I think we all need something or some one to believe in regardless of what or who they are.

~katie

Re: Fuck god!
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Sat Aug 25 00:30:04 2001 (#9910)

To this I do agree...

Re: short good bye
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 25 04:04:29 2001 (#9927)

You take care Dawn, I hope you find the peace you want so bad. Write when you feel like it. Love ya, Rhonda

Intolerance
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 24 17:57:24 2001 (#9901)

Why must we attack what we don't believe or understand? Why do I get upset when someone does it even though I have done the same thing in the past?

This is so disheartening. I say every time that I won’t comment, but I always do. Dawn comes here to post about her personal feelings and we attack her? She comes here to tell us she is leaving and we still attack her?

I have come to the conclusion that even though we like to think we are, we are no different from anyone else in this world. We attack or run away from what we fear (fight or flight). I love a good debate but the whole idea of a debate is to discuss opposing viewpoints intelligently.

I am done...goodbye...I will not add any more fuel to this fire. Just call me lurker the Web Troll. It has gotten ridiculous enough already. It hurts that I may have added to the negative attitude that permeates this board.

Re: Intolerance
Posted by KT on Fri Aug 24 20:27:57 2001 (#9902)

I think you have a great point. I hope you don't let all the negative things that go on in this world or this message bord turn you into something negative. I believe thhhat we are all intitled to our on opnions but should not attack others for there veiws. If you read my response to Dawn's post I hope I didn't come off as atacking anyone that was not what I was trying to do. If you are ranting b/c of others then I'm sorry for taking up your time

~katie

Re: Intolerance
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 25 04:05:39 2001 (#9928)

I understand if you leave. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

why oh why oh why??????
Posted by Amanda on Fri Aug 24 21:05:19 2001 (#9903)

why the fuck are people declaring war here???? this is not a place of war, it is a place of peace. it is supposed to be some where we can come and vent/chat and help. i would have thought that after the thing with nikki we would have learnt that arguing and fighting leaad to no where.

if colin has hurt some people then it just shows that he is human after all. he tries to help, but he often is very stuck on his own views and will not change his opinion. buut just because he has hurt some people is no reason to hate him is it???? if the people i have hurt all hated me then no one would like me, every one that is human hurts people at times.

it is unfair and cruel to hate him just because he is human and hurt you. this is not a just reason.

Thank you for your time.

Love and Hope Amanda

Check out my next post
Posted by Strider on Fri Aug 24 21:29:40 2001 (#9905)

........

Re: why oh why oh why??????
Posted by the little voice that is never heard on Sat Aug 25 01:07:11 2001 (#9918)

""just cuz he hurt some people is no reason to hate him is it?""

say that about hitler? slightly smaller scale maybe haahh but hes still toying with ppl pointlessly and causing unessacry hurt...ok hitler is a SLIGHTLY harsh comparison hahaaaaaah bu u get my drift?

Here we go.....
Posted by Strider on Fri Aug 24 22:35:05 2001 (#9906)

So I return after a long hiatus to find that I am the manifestation of all that is evil. Well, this all comes as news to me. Alana, I have been over this time after time with you. And Zach, what have I done to harm you? Please tell me, because I don`t want to cause you any harm, for any reason. I don`t know what I did to upset you, Zach, but please tell me, because whatever it is I want to rectify it. Actually, I put this out to everyone here. If I have done something to hurt you, any of you, tell me what it is. As a response to this post just list your grievances with me. I just want all of the fighting to finally stop.

love and prayers, Colin

Rectify...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Sat Aug 25 00:33:41 2001 (#9911)

Rectify slit wrists...

Re: Here we go.....
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sat Aug 25 00:56:36 2001 (#9915)

yo man, i dont got no grievences. i just like to stir things up. chill...there is no battle, its all for the sake of entertainment to me.

Re: Here we go.....
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sat Aug 25 00:57:06 2001 (#9916)

yo man, i dont got no grievences. i just like to stir things up. chill...there is no battle, its all for the sake of entertainment to me. i was just playin, nice to see ya again. whatd you learn in the army?

Re: Here we go.....
Posted by Tara on Wed Aug 29 02:29:27 2001 (#10011)

hey Colin,

how ya been?do you even remember me?you helped me though some very difficult times before you left the board several months ago.anyway i am ok i guess.i am having problems getting over my ex.i am doing good about fighting the urges.i have cut once in mabye 10 to 11 months.for me that is pretty good.i only wish that the battle was over for good.its not though.no telling how long it will be before i am not fighting my urges everyday.i do still wish sometimes when it gets bad that death would come and take me from this hell.i have my good days to.more than i used to.i guess that is good.so how long before you go back home or whatever?i have missed talking to you.i know that you don't get on that much,but if you could e-mail me.it would really make my day.well i guess i am gonna go for now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

P.S.that is what most people call me now.just thought i would let you know.

i have to let you go for a while
Posted by heather on Sat Aug 25 00:41:01 2001 (#9912)

Last night i cut really deep and i had a mental break down and my mom said i need to stay away from this sight that its not helping me so i gotta go for a while i hope you guys stay safe...love you all..heather

Re: i have to let you go for a while
Posted by *~*Lttle Baby Nothin*~* on Sat Aug 25 01:10:27 2001 (#9919)

this site dont help nobody, i think it helps for ppl to know their not alone but then it gets stupid and everyone worries far too much and u cant take ur mind of cutting....... i think this site is not a good idea one u've made friends with some ppl and can keep in contact....although i still come here......but thats cuz i like debating more than for cttin reasons, or maybe the odd rant? hvent cut for long time, stopped easier once leaving here.... just a thought

Re: i have to let you go for a while
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 25 04:12:58 2001 (#9930)

Heather, YOu take care of yourself first. We'll always be here if you come back later on. Oh, please keep your cut clean so it won't get infected. I'll keep you in my prayers. Love, Rhonda

Re: i have to let you go for a while
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 25 05:14:52 2001 (#9931)

aw bye hun! hope all is well for ya!

For you
Posted by Little baby Nothin on Sat Aug 25 01:13:00 2001 (#9920)

have you heard the song for you by Staind?

its like a lot of ppl who cuts and stuffs relationship with their parents i think

To my mother

To my father

ITs your son or its your daughter are my screams loud enough for you to hear me should i turn this up for you i sit here locked inside my head remember everything u sed this silence gets us nowhere gets us nowhere way too fast you make me feel like im not a person

thats just a little bit of it but it rocks dont u think???????

Re: For you
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 26 03:11:17 2001 (#9953)

LOVE it!!! I think I posted it here a few weeks ago. I LOVE that CD, and I'm usually not into that kind of music. I would recommend everyone here get that cd. I don't know what experiences the writer of the songs has had, but most of the songs I can relate to.

bleeding badly
Posted by KT on Sat Aug 25 02:11:33 2001 (#9921)

Hello all just need some first aid advice how can you stop major bleeding? Sorry if I pissed anyone off. Got to go.

~katie

Re: bleeding badly
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 25 03:50:35 2001 (#9924)

How major are you talking about? Deep cut? Cut an artery? Find a pressure point and press down really hard. You may have to do this for a while. If it's a cut on your arm, the pressure point is on the inside of your upper arm. If it's a cut on your leg, the pressure point is in your groin area. PLease consider getting some help. I'm worried about you. Let me know how you are doing. Love, Rhonda

Re: bleeding badly
Posted by robyn on Sat Dec 8 20:03:10 2001 (#12789)

apply pressure.... let the blood clott... it may take awhile please IM me ozzyboy102 ok lemem kno how u r

robyn girl

Death to the wounded Child
Posted by *Poi§on on Sat Aug 25 03:51:03 2001 (#9925)

Well...here i am... again loosing another person who is close to me. i heart cries out in vein and yet my eyes shed no tears. I am scared you guys. i don't want to loose the trust i've gained by my parents for not cutting in 4 months. but i need to cut soooo bad. i want to cut my arms, my stomach, my legs. i have four months worth of anger, and pain to release. i am weak and can no longer hold it in. please help

-Amanda-

Re: Death to the wounded Child
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 25 04:10:56 2001 (#9929)

Amanda, Have you told your parents how you feel? Is this a stupid question?(HA!HA!) I don't know how your parents took it when they found out, but chances are they don't want you hurting yourself and may help you. Let me know if I'm wrong about your parents. I guess I'm lucky in having a close relationship with Tara as she can tell me when she feels bad. I can then usually help her with her urges. You can write me if you want and can't talk to anyone else. Don't know if I'll be any good at helping you, but I'm willing to try. Write me if you want to. Please take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Death to the wounded Child
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 25 21:28:15 2001 (#9940)

u need to let our ur anger in another way then cutting, just nto cutting doesnt mean,uve stopped its still the feelings and tahts not good, it good taht u dont /didnt cut but u need to find some way else to let it out, cuz holing it in isnt good either

Re: Death to the wounded Child
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 25 21:28:26 2001 (#9941)

u need to let our ur anger in another way then cutting, just nto cutting doesnt mean,uve stopped its still the feelings and tahts not good, it good taht u dont /didnt cut but u need to find some way else to let it out, cuz holding it in isnt good either

oops!
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 25 21:30:02 2001 (#9942)

sorry theres 2 of the same things there!

My Opinion
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 25 04:02:33 2001 (#9926)

There seems to be a lot of anger since people started talking about God and since Strider came back. So here I go. If I end up offending anyone, I'm sorry. From my recent posts, everyone knows how I feel on the subject of God. I believe in him and look to him for guidence every day, but I feel I'm not to judge anyone, so I don't. Everyone has their own beliefs and I have no right to say they are wrong. Now about Strider. He was very helpful to Tara when she was going through some bad times and I will be forever grateful to him. But again, I'm not gonna tell anyone else how they should feel. If he's pissed someone off, they have a right to be upset. I just hope we can all get back to helping each other and get away from all the angry and negative stuff. I will still come here and try to help. And if I post to anyone here and say I'll be saying a prayer for you, I hope that will be okay. Please, lets all take care and help each other. Love always, Rhonda

To toxicmind
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Aug 25 06:52:36 2001 (#9932)

Thank you for your words, but I wasn't showing anger towards the Christians on this board or any Christians in the world. It's just that whenever I post on a bored about the crappy day I've had, I get many responses back saying "God will fix everything, pray to him, blah, blah, blah" and it's funny because I don't even believe in God.

I wasn't showing anger, I was just saying that I don't believe in Christianity or God. Sorry if I came off angered.

leaving - so shit I posted on suicide by mistake
Posted by dave/necrosis on Sat Aug 25 06:55:57 2001 (#9933)

Just all got too much, yeah I'm drunk again coz I'm that pathetic. Right now I really wish I was dead, doesn;t matter where I go I seem to upset people.

I only want to be there for one person - my girlfriend Ruth. I don't post much at all, but I do IM people from this board a lot. Without her I wouldn't be here, literally.

I'm sorry, I intended to explain why it's too much, but I can't I'm too drunk & emotional. I really hurt Doris as I was extremely nasty - not towards her, but her beliefs, but that's the problem...the board is saturated with belief, if I stayed any longer I'd hurt more as I think religion is a disease that is too weak to kill those that have faith, but just strong enough to fuel their sin.

I never replied to people as I have too many self harming IMing friends & I already fail them in the sense I feel only utter disgust for myself right now. Fuck I feel useless. It's my fault Morbid Kitty felt they should voice their opinion about Colin, it's my fault all this shit has hurt people.

great, what a fabulous way to leave in admitting you incited hatred & dissention - I didn't post much - usually under a bizzare name, for reasons I shan't divulge I feel so fucking hurt & used I cna't type any m/....../././

thanks for listening anyone that ever read a post by me, even if you didn't know it was me.

Off to crawl into a big hole where noone can find me. I love you Ruth, I can't type while crying this much . I'm sorry, it happens everytime.. I'm s sorry.

why is everything so fucking painful????????!!!

someone kiss it better , feel like this many tears will ......haven;t cried so much since bagpipes were made legal

I apologise for everyhing, especially if it wans't my fault. pain,misery,sorrow,discomfort ,hurt........fuck me, I could do witha shag

bye xxxxxxx

Re: leaving - so shit I posted on suicide by mista
Posted by *~*Little Baby Nothing*~* on Sat Aug 25 17:55:31 2001 (#9936)

Angel,

i'll talk to you later but I just wanna say that you're lovely and you haven't done anything wrong at all, all you've done is voice ur opionion, same as every1 else here... how can you say its ur fault that morbid kitty left a msg about colin....if colin was an asshole that was his fuckin choice and if Kitty wants to say something thats his choice... 'ivegot too many siing friends and i already fail them' hunny you have never failed me in all the time i have known you, you are always there when i need to talk and you always make me smile you have a brilliant sense of humour and can get my mind off anything, you are so intelligent and im not tjust saying this shit, its true you are great angel i love you to peices and Ruth is a really lucky girl to have you... i just hope she knows that? you are absolutely brilliant and i hope you realise it soon...get better... Love Elle xxxxx

Re: leaving - so shit I posted on suicide by mista
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:36:41 2001 (#9950)

I would tell you that I miss you, but you're always there for me, and I hope you feel the same about me. I think its good if you take a break. You need it. Need a shag? Hahaha, up the ass. Just joking. You know I love you, always will.

Alannibal the Cannibal....I'm still mad my mum didn't make meat with dinner...ah well...hehehe

this is not for real afraid to feel
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 25 16:08:11 2001 (#9935)

im afraid to get better b/c i dont rememeber what it feels like...what if i dont like it?

Re: this is not for real afraid to feel
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:14:45 2001 (#9946)

I feel the same, but as I'm getting a bit better, I realize that I like the feeling of this. I don't ever remember feeling this this way, but it's not scary. If anything it's inviting.

Re: this is not for real afraid to feel
Posted by LOST on Sun Aug 26 11:26:14 2001 (#9961)

i'm "all better" now. i haven't cut or anything for a few years... but i think i liked myself better when i used to cut. everyone else liked me better too. i was always open minded and free spirited. i got along with everyone. i was real nice and always the life of the party.NOW i'm the person that stands in the back of the room just staring at everyone having fun. i don't get a long with many people. i'm always pissed about something or other. i get mad so easily over stupid shit. i'm moody as all hell. i don't know. and when i get mad, i have nothing to take it out on. i can't write when i'm mad or sad. i can't paint or draw or do anything when i'm mad. i have to leave it all inside. i have no way of letting it out. and it builds up and builds up and i cover it up and push it far back into my mind until it all builds up so much and i eventually get on the verge of suicide because everything has built up so much with no way to release it. thats why i'm such a miserable person now.

Last Resort......
Posted by desperate 4 the PAIN (Amanda) on Sat Aug 25 20:47:55 2001 (#9937)

i tried to think how to explain how im feeling. then i put my stereo on.

Papa Roach-Last Resort

"i never realised i was spread to thin, till it was to late and i was empty within. hungry feeding on chaos and living in sin. downward spiral where do i begin?.....cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing, dont give a fuck if i cut my arm bleeding, do u even care if i die bleeding? would it be wrong, would it be right if i took my life tonight? chances are that i might, mutilation out of sight and im contemplating suicide."

well thats just about how i feel. i got noone to talk to. the only voice i can hear is.....my blades scream out to me...."let us help you, you know how good it feels!!" im to weak to resist. i can stop for a while but soon it gets to me. i have to cut, i NEED to cut.

SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME!!!!!!!! *SCREAMING*

im so god damn fucked up.

Amanda

Re: Last Resort......
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 25 20:59:22 2001 (#9938)

i have that song to...same how i feel!, i think every ones giving up one me.

Re: Last Resort......
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:18:32 2001 (#9947)

You are not fucked up! Just going through a tough time. I know I shouldn't really be giving advice on stuff like this, cuz I'm still struggling with this whole thing. BUT, all I can say is hang in there Amanda (my mum was going to name me that), when you get through this you'll be a stonger person, with a more powerful personality because of what you've experienced. I promise you that it'll work itself out. When you are ready to let it happen. Love, Alana

stats
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 25 21:01:29 2001 (#9939)

to-day my mom said she saw a show on cutters and they gave some stats

-cutters have a high IQ then others -cutters last 5 - 10 years if treated - cutters usually come from middle class or upper class familys - cutters are 80% female 20% male

thats all she tolled me but ithought i'd share it with u!

Re: stats
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:02:50 2001 (#9944)

I just knew I was smarter than everyone else...hahaha, just a joke.

Re: stats
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 26 03:20:23 2001 (#9954)

I think a lot of us are really intelligent. I think a lot of us are perfectionists, or at least do things to try to please others rather than ourselves. We come to a point when we can't take living for others anymore, so we cut. But we are so afraid of what others may think of us that we feel guilty and shameful that we can't handle what the rest of the world can seemingly handle, so we cut and keep it secret. JMI. That's how I feel. I'm not saying it's true of everyone. It's totally my opinion. But I think that's why most cutters are smart people. We see things differently than the rest of the world.

Clarification....
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:29:42 2001 (#9948)

I know most of you probably despise me...which is quite understandable. It seems that I have brought nothing but hate to this board. I'm truly sorry for that. But ask anyone who knows me and you'll realize I am nothing like my posts. I am not an angry person, I just get angry. I have emotions and reasoning that I sometimes cannot explain, and the only way to release the dreadful stench of anger that coarses through my veins is to yell and scream. I'm actually a nice person, but I have my faults. Just like everyone else. I'm sorry that it seems sometimes that I attack people here, it's not my intention. I don't know what to say, but that I regret every hateful thing I've ever said on this board. If you guys just got to know me, you'd realize that I'm very understanding and open...but that I'm just going through a hard time.

Blue, I am sorry that you feel so much pain inside of you. I'm not perfect, and if I came across as self-centered, just know it wasn't my plan to talk your ear off. Feel free to talk to me anytime about what you are going through. I'm always hear to listen...if you will speak.

I'm very sorry.

Love, Alana

Re: Clarification....
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 26 00:31:12 2001 (#9949)

oh yes....I have an opendiary (www.opendiary.com) - my name is ScarredSoul - just incase any of you wanted an update on how I'm doing, and what I am like.

SOWWY!

Re: Clarification....
Posted by Blue on Sun Aug 26 08:40:46 2001 (#9958)

It's ok. Just take care of yourself. xx

tomorrow is sunday
Posted by linzee on Sun Aug 26 02:52:09 2001 (#9952)

tomorrow is sunday...just another day of loneliness

Re: tomorrow is sunday
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Aug 26 10:07:17 2001 (#9960)

God, is that ever true!! BTW - thanks for the email, hun. :) It meant a lot. *hugs*

i can't take it ne more
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 26 03:25:40 2001 (#9955)

I really can't stand living. Every morning I wake up and I hate myself and I hate that I'm this way and I wake up feeling completely miserable, and things just get worse as the day goes on. I go to school and see my friends, and we laugh and joke around, and inside I'm torn into pieces, and it pains me so much to see how they can GENUINELY laugh and be happy, while my happiness is a forced act. I can't stand the yelling at my house. I want to make it go away. And I want the pain to go away. IT IS DRIVING ME UP A WALL. It never goes away. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it to stop. God, make it stop. I don't know how to make all of this go away. I can't take my life like this. I need to find a way to make it all stop. How can I make it stop?

Re: i can't take it ne more
Posted by Amanda on Sun Aug 26 12:59:54 2001 (#9962)

the only way to make it stop is to try and be happy, that sounds hard i know but find something you enjoy doing. it could be anything you like....and do that as often as you can. it will take your mind away from the negative things and give you time to be at peace with yourself.

and you said that your friends laugh "genuinly" that may not be true, you never know they may be feeling as bad as you do. they may even SI. try talking to one of them, it helps to talk to people. its a way of helping yourself and it DOES help. i promise you that. and if you feel you cant say things to peoples faces then write letters, thats what i used to do. it made it easier to say how i REALLY felt. i wrote a letter to my b/f recently as he started cutting himself. i gave it to him as i said goodbye to him. and when he called me later he was so happy that i told him what i had. it meant he understood me a bit more.

Try it, you never know it may work for you to.

Love and Hope Amanda

this really made me mad
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 26 03:42:58 2001 (#9956)

Ok, now plz don't get all mad at me when I say this, I'm not saying it to make ne one mad!!!!!!!!!!!! I accept the different views of ppl, and while I may not agree w/ them, I accept them and I'm not saying this to start a fight!!! Plz don't fight w/ me, I really can't take it!!!!

Ok, now that that's been said. I go to a Catholic school. That means I have to take a Theology course every year. Theology is a great class, at least for me. It's usually fun, and if you do the work you're pretty much guaranteed a stress-free A+. Well, I just started my junior year, and in my theo 11 class we just got our books. Well I was flipping thru it at home, and I saw this about suicide, and it p*ssed me off really bad:

"Suicide, the taking of one's own life, is a serious evil that shows a total lack of self-love and a rejection of the God of life. Suicide also displays a serious lack of love of others, violating the virtue of solidarity with our families, neighbors, and the human community."

Ok that's the part that got me mad. I'm sorry, but I seriously considered suicide the summer between my freshman and sophomore year. I have thought of suicide numerous times, but I know deep down that I don't TRULY want to die. But I know the feelings of wanting to be gone. And it has NOTHING to do with REJECTING God. I believe in God, and I pray every day, and just because I am going thru sh*tty stuff doesn't mean I don't believe God loves me. AND, for me ne way, suicide has NOTHING to do w/ a lack of love for others!!! The author of this crap doesn't know what the h*ll he's talking about. Suicide isn't about OTHERS! It's about all the pain YOU feel and how you just don't want the pain to BE there anymore. It's about making the PAIN stop, not about "rejecting God," or "a serious lack of love for others." That's bullsh*t and I am going to have an incredibly tough time in class when we cover that section. Ok I'm sorry if ne one disagrees w/ me or whatever, but it makes me really very angry. Someone shouldn't write about something they have no clue about.

Re: this really made me mad
Posted by Amanda on Sun Aug 26 13:08:07 2001 (#9963)

well usually i try to see everyones point of view and respect their opinions.....BUT on this occasion i agree with *me*. i totally understand why you are angry. this person obviously has not had a first hand experience with suicidal thoughts that many people here have.(including myself) now i am not christian, but i do believe in a form of god and godess(otherwise known as the Divine) and suicide has nothing to do with REJECTING "god". i dont know if my theory is true, BUT i believe that many people commit suicide because they want to BE with "god" not reject him/her.

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: this really made me mad
Posted by Linda on Sun Aug 26 14:53:54 2001 (#9966)

Girls, I understand why you would be angered. I am not Catholic and I believe that they teach that suicide is a mortal sin. I disagree with that very strongly. In the first place I don't believe the words "mortal sins" are found in the Bible. BUT, I believe I can shed some light on what is meant by the words you read. You see, in becoming a Christian we accept the Lordship of Jesus over us. We are not our own but we are bought with a price(Jesus' blood). Taking one's life is, in essence, saying "I don't want you (God) to have control of my life. I want to end it on my own terms." You are saying that you cannot trust God who has said to His children..."ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called according to His purpose." That verse needs some explanation I am sure. It does not mean that everything that happens to me is good, it means that everything that happens to me is allowed and eventually will turn out for my good, whether it is something hurtful that gets my attention and shows to me that I need to trust Him more or possibly a situation where God can work in my life to show His love to others. Seems that I have heard a story about a shepherd(I love analogy) that broke a little lambs leg in order that the little lamb could be carried by the shepherd and learn his voice and become familiar with his care. The little lamb was one that was very willful and would run off from the rest and had gotten into many situations that were challenging his life. Did you know that sheep will continue to eat grass with their heads down and will fall over a cliff if the grass leads that way. Did you know that a sheep will lay down to rest and if he accidentally rolls over on his back, he will die right there because he is unable to right himself. He is totally dependant on his shepherd to keep him healthy. We are compared to sheep in God's word. You see, the little lamb that took things into his own hands and did as he wished was in grave trouble but not smart enough to realize it. What he needed to learn was the voice and heart of his Master. The little lamb automatically assumed that because the shepherd demanded his obedience he was not his friend. Hope you can see the analogy.

Im new
Posted by Selene on Sun Aug 26 06:17:14 2001 (#9957)

Hey everyone,

Ive been here a few times before but never really came consistantly, I want to start coming here more often though. I havent cut in about a month, Im doing good for now. Im seroiusly scared though. Everytime school starts I start cutting again, bad, and get really depressed. I ended up in the hospital 3 times last year and ended up dropping out. Im going through the high school this year and getting a G.E.D. Im so nervous becuz i know Ill start cutting again, and i dont wanna get as bad as i was. Which was like 2 or 3 times a day. Im just wondering if anyone has any advice or any ideas at all, im desperate. Thanks. Byebye.

~Selene

Re: Im new
Posted by Amanda on Sun Aug 26 13:13:49 2001 (#9964)

well first off WELCOME! as for ideas....well try to keep busy. if your doing somthing then you wont be cutting. i like to draw as it uses my hands. also if you really feel the need to cut, try getting a red marker and drawing lines where you want to cut. i find it helps, i like to see my blood so when i see the red pen it SOMETIMES makes me feel better.

Or you could try talking to someone. you didnt say if you had told anyone, if you havnt then try to. having a friend that you can turn to when you feel the need to cut is really helpfull.

Well thats all the ideas i got 4 now.

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Im new
Posted by Sharon on Sun Aug 26 16:11:31 2001 (#9967)

Hi! And welcome. I have a couple suggestions over the whole school-cutting issue because I have the same problem. My first one is to not carry around anything you can use to cut yourself. Scissors, pins, anything, leave it out of your locker, backpack, etc. Secondly, if you get really really bad urges and you feel like you HAVE to do it, try deep breathing for a few minutes, that usually helps me to calm down a bit. Or carry around a journal and write it out. Sometimes I find that I cut so I don't have to feel a certain emotion, writing basically helps you release in the same way. Well, I hope that helps and good luck.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: Im new
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Aug 26 18:13:04 2001 (#9968)

Welcome Selene, I'm Rhonda and while I don't cut, my daughter does. She also dropped out of high school because of the pressure and now she is working on getting her GED. My generation didn't seem as cruel as Tara's. There was the upper class,the rich kids, but we all talked and got along. One of my classmates became a doctor and he is now the doctor my girls go to for simple stuff. The kids now seem so mean spirited, I can't believe my ears some times. Makes me wonder what their parents are teaching them. Anyway, about the ideas. Try writting stuff down. That helps Tara. She has a journal that has some pretty dark stuff in it. I know some of the others here will give you some better ideas. You'll find a lot of support here. If you want to email me, please do so. I write to several of the girls here and consider them my "daughters". Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Im new how did u kno
Posted by Cecelia on Wed Sep 5 23:51:51 2001 (#10182)

How did u kno that it has some pretty dark stuff in it? I can't believe how understanding u r Rhonda when u don't have IT. MY family doesn't understand at ALL OH MY GAWD!!!

Re: Im new
Posted by linzee on Sun Aug 26 19:31:16 2001 (#9970)

well HI im linzEE!!!!!!!!!! welcome! hope to see ya soon

Re: Im new
Posted by Emma on Sun Sep 2 19:08:05 2001 (#10096)

hi babe, dont worry its okay here, everyone seems really friendly. when i came here i hadnt cut for a while, now i'm still cutting occassionaly,think once i get some stuff sorted i'll feel better. Thats great babe, a month!! cool. well done, dont worry hunney you'll be fine. If you ever wanna chat or even just someone to listen please mail me. Love Emm xxx

this is just a >little< lengthy
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Aug 26 10:04:30 2001 (#9959)

[be careful when you read this]

Why I did this, I'll never know; and why I'm thinking about it now, I haven't the foggiest ...

At my high school you have to write one research paper every year in English except for your freshman year. Here's what I wrote - sophomore year: The Tower of London; junior year: Suicide; senior year: Self-abuse. Now why in the hell would I write a paper about self-abuse for school?! Did I honestly need the research? No. So what possessed me to write it? And on top of things, you have to give a presentation on your subject after the paper has been written. I have no problem getting in front of people, but I'm a "secret self-abuser" and to get up in front of people to talk about it ... made my tummy turn.

I got the highest grade on my presentation out of the whole senior English classes. I found pictures from around the net and pasted them on a piece of cardboard along with lyric quotes and pictures of musicians. I showed that little clip from 'Girl, Interrupted' when Daisy's self-abuse is brought out into the open by Lisa. I was going to show parts from 'Secret Cutting,' but I couldn't find my movie. Anyway, I came so close to bringing my self-abuse out of the closet that day in front of these people that I've known since kindergarten. My closing remark was to be: "Self-abusers are not psycho. In fact, they're not much different than from anyone in this room. They live lives the same as you and I. They get dressed in the morning, they brush their teeth, they go to school or work. They're normal for the most part, but there's just that one little thing that's different, and that's that voice in their head, that scream from their skin. How do I know this? *life up shirt sleeve and revile secret* Because I'm a self-abuser."

I kick myself in the ass for not doing it that way. Instead my closing remarks were that ANYONE could be a self-abuser, including the happiest person in the world [which would be me]. Steph and Alex and Mrs. Richords [who know about my self-abuse] just sort of smiled, nodded, and looked down.

Then I asked if there were any questions. Everyone was in shock. No one had ever heard of self-abuse. I mean, this is an Eastern Iowa public high school; student population 125 ... if that. When no one asked questions I gathered my notes and went to take my seat. Kayla [a girl who is so closed-minded it makes me sick] asked: "doesn't it hurt them?" I smiled and let out an almost giggle. "No," I said, "it doesn't hurt them. It's a way for them to relax. You soak in a hot tub every night, they cut themselves." Her eyes got big with curiosity. I could tell she wanted to know more, but she didn't ask.

Before the presentations, everyone in the class was to read someone else's paper. Only Steph and Alex read mine. After presentations I had to make 35 copies for people, from my English class and from the other English class. Some people who weren't even seniors, let-alone in senior English, wanted copies of my paper.

Anyway, here's my research paper ...

"Cut My Life Into Pieces" Monday, 12 March, 2001 Lindsey Gibson

By day Ashley P., a junior in high school, diligently attends all her classes, jokes with friends in the lunchroom, does her homework, and cleans her room. She logs a few hours at her part-time job as a sales clerk at an accessories store at a mall in her upper middle-class suburban hometown, chats on the telephone with her friends, and helps her mom prepare dinner for the family. On the weekend she volunteers at a women's homeless shelter and runs clothing drives and other charitable activities at school.

By night Ashley retires to her bedroom, ostensibly to finish up stray assignments. She earns perfect grades and is universally praised by her teachers and the managers at the store where she works, so the story is easy to believe. Ashley has never gotten into serious trouble, never experimented with drugs or alcohol, never so much as talked back to a grown-up. But every night she locks herself in her private bathroom, quietly unwraps a secret stash of razor blades that she keeps hidden at the bottom of a Band-Aid box, and begins etching sharp parallel lines into the pallid flesh of her left forearm. The blood comes quickly, blurring the straight marks Ashley has cut with such precision. Ashley is not alone, she is just one of the two million people in the United States that purposely hurt themselves.

Self-abuse has been on TV shows like 20/20, 7th Heaven, Beverly Hills 90210, and Dateline NBC. It's been reflected in such movies as Girl, Interrupted, The Sixth Sense, Fatal Attraction, and Secret Cutting. Musicians like Tori Amos, Garbage, Nine Inch Nails, Papa Roach, and Marilyn Manson have some mentioning of self-abuse in their lyrics. Actors like Johnny Depp, actresses like Angelina Jolie, and British royalty like the late Princess Diana all have a history of self-abuse. Magazines like Seventeen, Newsweek, and Time, as well as numerous web-pages on the World Wide Web, have published several articles over the subject. Self-abuse is even documented in the Bible; "And always, night and day, he was in the mountains, and in the tombs, crying, and cutting himself with stones," Mark 5:5. For as common as self-abuse is, it's disturbing to find many people who have no clue as to what self-abuse fully is. Self-abuse may seem to be too bizarre or freakish to comprehend. Most can guess that self-abuse is when a person abuses themselves, but what does that mean exactly?

Karen Conterio, director of SAFE [Self-Abuse Finally Ends] Alternatives in Chicago, Illinois, states in her book Bodily Harm that self-abuse is the "deliberate mutilation of the body or body part, not with the intent to commit suicide." It's a coping technique used to dull emotional pain and to handle intense, uncomfortable emotions. Conterio also states in her book that "people who injure themselves do so in order to escape what they're feeling." These feelings can come from family tension, school stress, traumatic events, and sometimes there's no obvious cause.

Most self-abusers report emotional abuse or neglect as children, and even though several abuse or neglected victims turn to alcohol, narcotics, binging, purging, or starving themselves in their teen years, most find comfort in hurting themselves. But that's not to say that all self-abusers were abused in their younger years. Several are borderline [emotionally sensitive people with rapid mood swings and that have a difficult time with friends and loved ones, and who have impulse problems like gambling, shoplifting, or drinking], dependent [helpless, people pleasers afraid to show emotions to others], passive-aggressive [pessimistic people who don't express anger because of fear of authority], or histrionic [globally thinking, attention seeking people who are emotional about everything, and who don't feel loneliness].

Since being thin and fit has literally taken over America, anorexia and bulimia have been on the rise for the past twenty years, and following that is self-abuse which has been on the rise since the late 1990's. Today, 40.5% of bulimics, 35.0% of anorexics, 34.0% of patients with multiple personality disorders, 24.0% of prisoners with personality disorders, and 13.6% of mentally retarded people in institutions are self-abusers.

If there were to be set characteristics of a self-abuser it would be as followed: white, middle-class woman, above-average intelligence, low self-esteem, suffers from depression, trouble relating to people, trouble forming intimate relationships, feels she doesn't deserve happiness in life, and who has no outlet for expression. But none of these are true in most cases. Anyone can be a self-abuser. It occurs in all races and in both sexes. In fact, 40% are male; however, males do not get the help they need so the percentage could be higher. And most self-abusers are excellent in creative expression, like poetry writing or painting. The only thing that rings true is that they live to cut again.

Tools a self-abuser uses could be anything, like an iron, piece of glass, a pin, syringe, heavy object like a stone, or their own fingernails; but most common are razor blades, knives, matches/lighters, and candles. The most popular places to harm are those that are easy to cover up with clothing, like the forearms, wrists, upper arms, thighs, abdomen, breasts, and calves.

Cutting, burning, bruising, scratching, interfering with the healing of wounds, breaking bones, amputations of digits, eating harmful substances, and injecting the body with toxins are the self-abuse methods on record currently. Cutting and burning are still the number one ways of self-abuse today. Cutting could be anything from nicks to deep gouges to carving words into the skin to cutting off fingers, toes, breasts, or the genitals. Burning could range from holding a flame under the skin to dumping gasoline over the entire body and lighting a match. One woman from Chicago injected urine into her ears and under her skin. She also rubbed the skin off her arms and infected it with fecal matter, and put liquid Drano on her face and hands. Luke C., a male self-abuser, poured hydrochloric acid on is hands, shot himself in the foot, and took hundreds of laxatives for weeks on end. Some people who abuse themselves can create wounds that require more than one hundred stitches or that cause permanent deformities. But remember, people who do this, do not want to kill themselves. This is their way of staying alive.

Seventy-five percent of all self-abusers use more than one method and have a set routine that they follow daily, monthly or whenever they feel the urge to abuse themselves. They hide razor blades in school lockers, nightstands, glove compartments, purses, wallets, anywhere that's convenient for them. And even though most self-abusers know abusing themselves is damaging, they can't stop because of the comfort it brings.

People often ask two main questions about self-abuse - doesn't it hurt? and why do people do it? Some self-abusers say they don't feel pain, others say they do. Whether pain is present or absent, what is happening is something psychologist call "dissociation," a dreamlike state. When a self-abuser is in this state, his or her mind is so consumed with unmanageable feelings that their body and its needs are of secondary concern; the self-abuser is out of touch with everything around them.

The most common reason that self-abusers come up with is that hurting themselves makes them feel real and alive. "A main part of it was to know I was real," says Cathy Collins, a 31 year-old health-care worker. "With the blood flowing down my arms, I was real."

Since self-abuse is such a taboo subject, not many people admit to doing it; certainly not people who are in the public's eye. Such people who have came out as being self-abusers at one time include Fiona Apple, singer/song writer, who used to scratch her left wrist until it bled; Johnny Depp, actor, who has a series of scars on one arm; Richey Edwards, singer/song writer for The Manic Street Preachers, who was the "poster child" of self-abuse before his death; Angelina Jolie, actress, who used to hurt herself a great deal when young and who today is open about her self-abuse; Courtney Love, singer/song writer for Hole, who would drink obsessively and then cut herself after the death of her husband, Kurt Cobain; Marilyn Manson, singer/song writer, who would abuse himself while on stage and who had 450 scars at the time his book was published; Shirley Manson, singer/song writer for Garbage, who used to cut her arm because she was teased and tormented as a child, and who's lyrics are known for their true emotions of her life; and the late Princess Diana, who threw herself through a glass cabinet, slashed her wrists with razors, and cut herself with the serrated edge of a lemon slicer on her chest, arms, and thighs. In a BBC interview in 1995, Diana talked openly about her self-abuse, "You have so much pain inside yourself you try and hurt yourself on the outside because you need help."

Getting help is one of hardest things for a self-abuser to do. Most doctors are sickened by self-abusers, and most therapists turn them away or mislabel them giving them the wrong treatment. Some self-abusers are put into restraints, given high dosages of sedatives, and kept away from objects. But there are doctors and therapists out there that specialize in self-abuse. Dr. Armando R. Favazza is a professor and associate chairman of the department of psychiatry at the University of Missouri-Columbia School of Medicine. He is one of the leading experts on self-abuse. Steven Levenkron, a pioneer in the study of anorexia and its link to self-abuse, says, "It's like the old movies where someone was hysterical, someone slapped them and they sighed thank you. We all understand that physical can mediate the emotions." SAFE Alternatives in Chicago is the nation's only inpatient center for self-abusers, and they treat hundreds of self-abusers successfully.

Self-help methods on stopping self-abuse are endless. The most common are writing in a journal, sitting and thinking, working on an arts or crafts, and taking a shower or bath; but since self-abusers are very resourceful, anything can give a self-abuse the motive to abuse themselves, and anything can become a weapon. Self-abusers can see writing in a journal as a chance to feel more and to give them a reason to abuse themselves. Sitting and thinking could cause the self-abuser to bang their wrists on the arms of the chair. The tools used for arts or crafts could become a tool the self-abuser could use on themselves. Taking a shower or bath leaves the option of turning the water all the way on hot and scalding the skin.

Non-self-help, affective stopping methods include psychotherapy, medication, and sometimes hospitalization. However, a self-abuser is not always going to be willing to go through these methods. Their arguments include things like: Self-abuse doesn't hurt anyone, It's my body and I can do whatever I want, Negative attention is better than none, I'm stronger than other's, I can tolerate pain. Once a self-abuser gets the help they need, the chances of them stopping completely are very high.

Self-abuse is a major problem in today's society. It's also very taboo when it shouldn't be and many people feel that they are alone in the world and don't get the help they need. If a person doesn't get help death could result.

Re: this is just a >little< lengthy
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Aug 26 18:20:32 2001 (#9969)

If I was your teacher, you would have gotten an A+. That was wonderful. Maybe there is someplace you could have that published. Talk to your teacher, the one who knows, and see if she could help you. Personally, I think that should be published in every magazine. The more people who know the facts, the more people might understand all of you are NOT CRAZY. Anyways, good job. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: this is just a >little< lengthy
Posted by linzee on Sun Aug 26 19:44:00 2001 (#9971)

everything in there is true everything...it makes me wanna cry..b/c i am not alone...although i feel that way, tahnk u for posting that!

Re: this is just a >little< lengthy
Posted by Maggie on Mon Aug 27 11:20:51 2001 (#9978)

That was very well written... I think it's great that you are educating others about it. I reckon SIers would have a much better time if people weren't so ignorant about what it is... I agree with Rhonda that you should try get it published.

Luv Maggie.

Re: this is just a >little< lengthy
Posted by *Poi§on on Tue Aug 28 00:08:31 2001 (#9986)

That was an excellent paper, i really really hope every one in ur class was more comfortable with the subject once it settled in, maybe then, in the future, if you wanted it would be easier to "come out" and admit that you do it. i might try and wear short sleeves to school this year. but i'm going to feel really weird the first month or so, because a TON of people are going to be mad, frusterated, upset, etc. but they will have to live. but i also LOVE to cut on my arms, does anyone else, have a favorite spot to cut? so it will be difficult. who knows?

~Amanda~

no body understands
Posted by linzee on Sun Aug 26 19:50:05 2001 (#9972)

i want to pretend to get better....i am pretend to my family and friends faces, but inside im dying even more. no body unders stands the loniness i feel, even when they awfer it i still dont want it , i dont know why, but then im lonely again, no body understands, im scared to share my emotions /opions / anything, b/c im scared some one mite found out my lil sercet, alot off ppl know such as some friends and my family, but i wish they didnt know now i have rumors being put about me b/c they know and they've tolled ppl. but then again i guess there not friends, i guess i dont a have a real friend. nobody understands

nobody understands why i like to hurt my self, and see my blood and even my thepist looks at me werid now. IM A FREAK p.s i really enjoyed lindsey last post!

Crazed
Posted by Selene on Mon Aug 27 05:08:57 2001 (#9973)

It doesnt matter what I do, I screwed up. I cut my leg last night 13 times. I love to watch the blood run down my leg and turn the water red. The damn docters dont know what its like, the meds dont take away the thoughts and they dont help me, Ive been on like 6 different kinds and none helps. Theres no hope. I dont even know why I bother sometimes, it just goes to show that Im a weak person. I dont know how long this is gonna go on for. If my mom finds out, shell want me to go back to the hospital and I can not go back. Ill refuse. Im just so stressed right now, with school coming up and my life is again falling apart. Im losing the little sanity I had. Im scared. ~Selene

Re: Crazed
Posted by Amanda on Mon Aug 27 10:16:30 2001 (#9976)

you say that you are a weak person, but i refuse to believe that. no-one is weak, they just havent found the strength yet. it is very hard to find but every one has it. to find it you must look deep inside your self and think about something that really matters to you. i found my strength was my love for my best friend and my boyfriend. your could be anything. but once you find a strength then you hold on to it and it will pull you through the tough times.

Good luck in finding it. Love and Hope Amanda

DRUGS.... and me....
Posted by LOST on Mon Aug 27 08:29:34 2001 (#9974)

Well i posted yesterday to linzee about how i've felt since i've stopped cutting. i said that i'm miserable and stuff. and i AM. but right now... i'm the happiest girl in the world. WHY? because i'm on drugs. crystal to be exact and i've had about 10 shots of vodka now... and i'm still going. i don't know... i used to be real bad into doing stuff like this and i've been to rehab... but doing it right now just made me realize how good it takes away all those horrible feelings that i have! i feel so care free like nothing has ever gone wrong in my life. when i think about the thousands of dollars that i'm in debt or the fact that i have no job and that my fiance broke up with me... it doesn't make me sad at all right now. i'm still happy no matter what! god! i miss this fuckn feeling u guys! i want it to never leave (but thats what got me addicted to it last time). why can't i feel this way without drugs? other people feel this kind of happiness without drugs... why do I (and i'm sure a lot of the people on this board) have to USE something to feel happy or take medication (which is still using a substance to be happy, whether its controlled or not)? this isn't fair. i want nothing more than to be HAPPY... and no matter how good things are going... that happiness just DOESN'T come to me. do u think maybe i need to be hospitalized again or something? i often wonder that. i don't want to go to a therapist person... because i can't stare someone in their face (especially someone i don't know) and just tell them all my problems. my therapy is coming online and telling all these online people my problems and issues with my past... because i know i will never meet them and they can never use it against me in any way. do any of u people here have issues with ur weight... cuz i know that i always used to think i was HUGE ever since i can remember... and i waslooking at pictures of me back in the days and i was so skinny. but NOW i'm disgusting. i wish i would just accept myself for who i am... maybe that would make my happiness come sooner. ok u guys i'm just rambling on and on... sorry

Re: DRUGS.... and me....
Posted by Linda on Mon Aug 27 15:47:09 2001 (#9979)

((((((Kay)))))) I wish we were still communicating.

Leaving is harder than I thought
Posted by A Friend on Mon Aug 27 08:39:14 2001 (#9975)

I came to this board to cut, and to be around ppl who understands what drives ppl to injury themselves.

I also wanted to witness that there was someone who loves me even when I cut. But I soon learned that most ppl on this board would rather stay in their misery than to look open mindedly to something not even I could grasp.

Then Pam posted what I had been missing. I believed in Jesus, The Son of The Living God. B U T when my memories came back to haunt me I jumped into them to explore every inch of them to be sure I was not guilty of causing them to happen in the first place. When Jesus was wanting to accept me without any hesitation... just to love me.

I've been pretty crazy over this whole thing for more years than I care to count. and I knew and had the answer all along.

I truely care about you all and what is making you miserable, but if you don't want the lifeline I've tried to throw out to you, as has Linda and Rhonda. Then I can only say that the lifeline is there, whereenver you are ready to stop sinking further and further grab hold and let Jesus bring you to safety.

For the friendships I've made here it you want to continue to share email with me Linda and Rhonda and a few others will no how to reach me.

May God make his face to shine upon you and grant you peace. Dawn

well hurry up and do it and it wont be so hard
Posted by mrs.corgan on Mon Aug 27 19:50:35 2001 (#9981)

urgh shut tha fuck up dude i mean u dont gotta shut up bout your religion and shyt, jus dont fucken go on about its the only fuckin way out. throw me a lifeline? bull - shit. religion is not the only way out....shyt im ten times better than when i first joined this board and one thing it aint got shyt to do with is religion!!! u dont need it, its power prippin and it keeps u ties down to fuckin sin! if u wanna be relgious go ahead its ur life but thats the point, YOUR life so y u gotta be tellin us its tha ONLY way to get betta? i must say i was part of a religion, but i always get fuckin hated for it from those open-minded christians i was wiccan and no that duz NOT fuckin mean i worship satan becuz wiccans dont even beleive in that shyt, so how can we worship it???? were not witches, well sum are, but wiccan duznt teach u to use black magic or wutevers.... i got better not saying i dont have bad days but i havent cut for at LEAST 5 months, and it hasnt been to do with religion. and im not even gonna become wiccan anyway becuz i rather follow my own wayz nut any religions ways. nut wut sum1 sez to do. yeah sometimes i feel shit and like cuttin but so do u dawn and all other ppl it dont got SHIT do with ur fucken religion so just fuckin shut up girl. i aint saying dont share ur emotions im sorry that shyt happend to u and all but religion is not the ONLY way out okay? so stop sayin it is it pisses me tha fuck off

Re: well hurry up and do it and it wont be so hard
Posted by Linda on Tue Aug 28 03:13:22 2001 (#9994)

Hi kiddo!!! Wish you were feeling better!

Re: Leaving is harder than I thought
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 28 01:28:20 2001 (#9990)

Take care, Dawn. YOu can bet I'll still email you. Your very good friend, Rhonda

Verwirrung, not responseable
Posted by ego on Mon Aug 27 10:54:09 2001 (#9977)

Lang ist es her. Alles heilt. Ich denke, ich gehe in eine Klinik. Nur weiß ich nicht, was ich denen erzählen soll, ob ich hören will, was die mir erzählen. Es fühlt sich nicht gut an. Die letzte Verbrennung ist ewig her, das Wundmal verblaßt allmählich. Habe ich das Recht, jemandem, dem es schlechter geht als mir, einen Therapieplatz wegzunehmen? Würde es für mich nicht ausreichend sein die Sache ambulant zu regeln? Ich bin nicht sicher, das mein „Zustand“ eine Therapie rechtfertigt. Ist das normal, hat jeder solche Gedanken? Ich spüre andererseits deutlich, das da etwas in Untergrund lauert, oder ich bilde es mir nur ein. Alles dreht sich. Insgeheim hoffe ich, das ich mir ein paar Rechtfertigungen in den Arm schneiden oder brennen werde, damit die in der Klinik mich ernst nehmen. Psydoc hält die Verletzungen für das gravierendste Problem, für mich stellen sie kein Problem dar. Die Suizidalität ist für mich insoweit problematisch, als sie sich nicht wirklich durchsetzt. Die Zwänge sind störend. Und das ich nicht vorwärtskomme. Es ist eine Veränderung, das ich überhaupt vorwärtskommen w-i-l-l. Vielmehr, daß die Richtung des Vorwärtskommens darin besteht, aus dem verschissenen Leben etwas zu machen. Die Situation verwirrt mich und vielleicht sollte schon allein deswegen, ein professionelles Auge sich in meinem Hirn umsehen und ein professioneller Mund mir sagen, was es sieht, damit ich handlungsfähig werde. In der einen oder der anderen Weise. Wohin sind die Wärme der Suizidgedanken und das Bergende einer Depression gegangen? thank you for reading.

Re: Verwirrung, not responseable
Posted by Judith on Wed Aug 29 22:46:08 2001 (#10030)

hi

ich hab hier bislang noch nie was geposted, aber da ich, wie man sieht, deutsch bin dachte ich mal ich sag hallo, auch, weil noch niemand auf deine Nachricht geantwortet hat....

love, Judith

reply
Posted by ego on Thu Aug 30 09:14:55 2001 (#10033)

das ist nett von dir ;-)ich bin nur unregelmäßig hier oder in anderen foren.ein fremdsprachiges forum gibt mir gelegenheit, so sachen wegzuschreiben. gib auf dich acht.

Re: reply
Posted by Judith on Thu Aug 30 23:16:25 2001 (#10040)

Ich bin auch eigentlich nie hier.

ich hoffe es geht dir gut.

stay strong xxx

Re: bald beginnt der herbst ! :- )))))
Posted by ego on Fri Aug 31 08:40:58 2001 (#10048)

es geht mir gut. nur mein psydoc sagt, das ich ein großes problem haben würde. er überbewertet meine svv. nunja, ärzte! und vor allem aber wird es balb herbst sein und das ist gut. dann ist es kühl. ich fühle mich gut und die erfahrung sagt, das man umso tiefer fällt, je höher man zuvor stieg. jedoch bin ich jetzt in der lage, mir die guten zeiten zu gestatten und sie zu genießen und das grollen im hintergrund zu ignorieren. ich habe mich zum ersten mal seit vielen monaten wieder geschnitten, es liegen immer längere pasuen dazwischen. doch das svv ist gar nicht das problem. das problem sidn die sachen, von denen das svv ausgelöst worden ist. alles gute für dich.

Re: bald beginnt der herbst ! :- )))))
Posted by Judith on Sun Sep 2 00:53:10 2001 (#10081)

Ja, Ärzte sind verdammt schlecht! Ich halte meine Probleme und die Gründe dafür für sehr offensichtlich und meine Scheiß Psychologin meint immer noch, dass sie nicht wüste was mit mir los wäre!!??!!

viele von deinen Worten scheinen mir jedoch sehr verschlüßelt, wahrscheinlich, weil ich dich kaum kenne:P

tut mir aber leid, dass du jetzt wieder angefangen bist. meine längste Pause in den letzten Jahren war nicht länger als 1 1/2 Wochen! aber der Winter ist immer schön, besonders, weil man seine Narben verstecken kann ohne immer vorgeben zu müssen erkältet zu sein.

anyway, bis dann

Judith

Re: lebendigkeit
Posted by ego on Sun Sep 2 09:59:09 2001 (#10089)

ich fühle mich im herbst und im winter lebendiger als im sommer, weil der wind stärker ist udn ich mich dadurch besser spüren kann. der frühling ist ganz schlecht; ich sehe , wie alles blüht und fröhlich ist und ich keinen anteil daran habe. töstlich ist, das das leben nicht endlos weitergeht. und das ich es in der hand habe, es zu beenden.

Re: lebendigkeit
Posted by Judith on Mon Sep 3 00:26:14 2001 (#10106)

Es ist schon schön, dass man sein Leben selbst in der Hand hat, aber ich bin im Moment nich Suizid gefährdet, so gesehen.....

sich selbst zu FÜHLEN??!! was ein schönes Gefühl, leider erlebe ich es nur all zu seltend.........

btw: wen sprichst du denn mit deiner Nachricht weiter unten an??????

Re: lebendigkeit
Posted by ego on Mon Sep 3 21:23:33 2001 (#10119)

ich habe ein tagebuch bei www.objectproject.net. leider ist op derzeit offline und ich war in einer seltsamen stimmung und mußte es einfach nur gepostet sehen um es quasi los zu werden. ich spreche niemanden damit an. mich wundert, das es kaum noch schmerz bereitet, wenn ich mich verbrenne. ist das normal? ich hatte lenge zeit "pausiert" und hatte das empfinden stärker in erinnerung. es ist auch nicht mehr so, das ich hinterher eine erleichterung spüre. da ist nichts. vielleicht gehe ich doch in eine klinik. irgendwann, wenn ich genpügend motiviert sein werde.

Re: lebendigkeit
Posted by Maggie on Tue Sep 4 09:52:47 2001 (#10131)

Ich habe alle gelesen und kann viel verstehen, obwohl ich nicht antworten werde, weil mein Deutsch nicht sehr gut ist. Ich mochte nur sagen daß sie nicht allein sind, und ihr auf diesen Ausschluß willzukommen. Ok... I'll give up the German now.

Luv Maggie.

pour Maggie
Posted by ego on Tue Sep 4 11:31:46 2001 (#10132)

your german is better than my english. i know that i am not alone. and that "psyke" is not the right site for me. first, it is in a foreign language , second i am too old and self-injurie changned it's face and it's reasons, but i am not able to tell it in english. i know every response , every coping and i know that it cannot really help. for me it is ok, to cut or burn my skin, my flesh ... , to be suicidal and to try to kill me. feeling has become a different quality. it does no longer hurt me, to burn my flesh with a lighter, or to cut my skin. it is no longer important what people say or think if they would know about it. it is no longer important to hide my scars or my wounds. for others, especially the people here on psyke, it is important. i dont need no help to life. the "world" is a cruel place and it is senseless to try to change it. all the best for you. and now i give up the english.

Fur Ego
Posted by Maggie on Wed Sep 5 13:34:41 2001 (#10173)

Dein Englisch ist viel besser als mein Deutsch, aber ich finde es aufregend daß du mich verstehen kann :) Ich möchte auch sagen daß niemand zu alt ist, wenn man Unterstutzung sucht. Jedermann auf "Psyke" hat verschiedenen Probleme, Erlebnisse und alle hat versciendener Ziele deshalb sie Psyke besucht. Aber man findet immer Trost ihre Gedanke ubersprechen, besonders mit Leute, die dich nicht beurteilt werde. Du werdest vielleicht nichts Neues lernen, aber du werdest starker füllen, wenn du viele andere Leute sehen, die ihre Probleme wie dich fertig werden mit. (My German is very bad). Ich habe nicht 'SIed' seit schon 2 Monaten, und ich denke die Pause ständig ist. Wie dich,fand ich SI/Suicide annehmbar... und das ist wichtigest um diese Angewohnheit zu uberwinden. Wenn man etwas furchten, kann man nicht es konfrontieren. Ich habe auch nichts angefasst als ich meine Ader geschneidet, als ich meine Rippe mit einem Hammer geschlagt... Einmal ich hatte meine Angewohnheit angenimmt, war sie nicht mehr ein schlectes Geheimnis, und war ich nicht mehr beschämt. Die meisten von meinen Freunden haben meine Narbe gesehen. Ich meine daß du eine gute Einstellung hat, und du hast recht daß die Welt unfreundlich ist, und niemand kann es verändern. Aber da hast du unrecht zu denken du keine Hilfe braucht. Du brauchts jemand dir zuhören. Wenn du eine freundliche Zuhörerin möchtest, kannst du mir schrieben. Ich hoffe du hier wiederkommen!!!

Maggie.

Re: Ich danke Dir, Maggie
Posted by ego on Thu Sep 6 00:35:15 2001 (#10187)

Tomorrow, probably, I will go and see my psydoc. First time I went for him because of my girlfriend. One evening she was looking at me and she said, that s-h-e is suffering of my depressions. I don`t want her to suffer for me. In my past I was looking for a girl to commit suicide together. She came along, told me, that she is not suicidal. And it is all the same story, everytime the same words are falling out of my mouth. I am tired to tell it once, tell it twice, tell it without end. It would be much easier to drink or take drugs and give up, than go on and stand up every morning. There is no reason for me to life, there is no sense for me to go on in that way or any other way. I am not alife, I’m only existing. So do I need help? Why? Is it insane to refuse my life? I’m not very friendly at the moment. sorry. I’m drowning in myself and I should end it. finally. I am self-pity. For you : Thank you for reading.

Re: Ich danke Dir, Maggie
Posted by Cecelia on Thu Sep 6 01:41:10 2001 (#10191)

Yes, help is always good! No really, you might surprise yourself with how great you could feel after only a few sessions. Maybe it's not a good idea to look for a gf to committ suicide with, but why don't you look for a supportive gf that can make you feel a bit happier? That would be good. I hope that u and ur gf get feeling better right away. Never do anything that's ireversable - like suicide. You can't take it back... and don't be afraid to ask for help and support from those with the same problems or similar ones - us! Luv, ali

Re: Cecelia
Posted by ego on Thu Sep 6 08:11:05 2001 (#10198)

If I would be dead, would I be able to regret it ? Not really. You are kind. In times when I am fine, I look at the world, thinking `what a nice place to live and grow old`. At this time I am not fine. But, as long there is life, there is hope for end. One way or the other way.

Re: Ich danke Dir, Maggie
Posted by Maggie on Thu Sep 6 15:12:29 2001 (#10201)

I'm glad that you are going to speak a psychologist. I have been seeing mine for 9 months now and it was the best thing I ever did. You are right to say that it would be much easier to give up and die now, but the fact that you are alive today after the hell that you have lived through, means that you are a very strong and courageous person. As for drugs and alcohol making things easier, they are actually no different to cutting... all are coping mechanisms used to ease the stress of reality.

You seem to say very similar things to how I think...

Re: Ich danke Dir, Maggie
Posted by Maggie on Thu Sep 6 15:27:11 2001 (#10202)

I'm glad that you are going to speak a psychologist. I have been seeing mine for 9 months now and it was the best thing I ever did. You are right to say that it would be much easier to give up and die now, but the fact that you are alive today after the hell that you have lived through, means that you are a very strong and courageous person. As for drugs and alcohol making things easier, they are actually no different to cutting... all are coping mechanisms used to ease the stress of reality.

Existing .vs. Living??? I can empathise with you very well when you say you are merely existing at the moment. But I promise you that if you hold on, there will be a day when you feel you are actually living life. It's been a tough road, but I am today able to say that I am relieved that I never committed suicide... I had many times come very close to it, but now I am pleased to wake up every morning. I don't know exactly how things got better for me... it certainly wasn't a change in my environment. It started from accepting my situation, and looking for things that could possibly make me happy, and working hard to get them. For example, I have arranged to go to USA for a 3 month working-holiday in November. I think about this everyday, and it has given me something to live for. So even when you may be existing in a mundane world, you can still work towards changing it. You don't need to change yourself (just accept yourself) but you need to change your circumstances (not accept them). It's a simple concept, and it worked for me. I believe that if you try this, one day you will say you are living.

It's not insane to refuse your life, but it is certainly defeatist, and would be a waste. I think if you find an understanding psychologist, the immediate future will start getting easier. But it's up to you to make your later future better. You are drowning in life at the moment, but hopefully your psychologist will throw you that life raft to keep you floating a while longer, until you learn to swim and save yourself. Think about it! I'm here to talk... Luv Maggie.

Think About it
Posted by *Poi§on on Mon Aug 27 17:07:19 2001 (#9980)

Do you guys notice how far we have our heads stuck up our ass? We have people who care about us, want us to stop, and yet we continue to let them down and hurt them. We are selfish. think about it. We say that we are doing it for ourselves, but think about how many other people it affects. think of all the money that our parents spend on therapist visits, hospitilizations, emergency room visits. think about it all. i mean, who are we?! yes, we are miserable, but is it because we want to be? deep down? because people don't and won't get better unless they want to. and i know it's hard, i mean i still cut myself, and yes i totally know this applies to me as well, but think about it next time before you cut. think about all the people your letting down....even if they aren't there, or don't show it sometimes.

~Amanda~

Re: Think About it
Posted by ego on Mon Aug 27 23:17:33 2001 (#9983)

they want us to stop? they do not have a right to. whne i am cutting i do not have a problem with it. those people are the problem and they are in trouble about my behaviour. buts it is my skin and it is my essentiel right to do with it, what ever i want to do. it is my life, my pain and my wound. what rights do other people have an me? i am not their slave, not their privat ground.

Re: Think About it
Posted by *Poi§on on Mon Aug 27 23:58:41 2001 (#9984)

They want you to stop because they care. they are scared as hell that one day they are gonna wake up and your not going to be there. LOOK at what you just wrote. don't you see how self centered it is???

those people are the problem and they are in trouble about my behaviour.

yes, teenagers and adults don't cause all their problems but they are the ones who have to solve them anyway. you can't change other people so if you really care about other people and yourself for that matter, you have to adapt to situations to be able to cope with them.

me

Re: Think About it
Posted by ego on Tue Aug 28 13:13:31 2001 (#10001)

i take care just for my own problems. other people took "care" to beat me when he was drunk. i am selfcentered for the first time in my life in the way that i now care for ME. i take the time to heal my wounds and my anxiousness. i should rather tell in german.

Re: Think About it
Posted by simple things on Tue Aug 28 00:08:47 2001 (#9987)

I agree that you have the right to do whatever you want but it's when your actions affect other people that you're faced with responsibilty of saying, well my actions are hurting other people and causing them problems, and at first it may be easy to say fuck them its not their problem, but I know when I messed up real bad when I was drunk and smashed my hand into a mirror and then sliced my arms up and had to go to Casulty at 2am covered in blood and have the police and your family called because they think you're going to do something dangerous to yourself. You realise that these people love you and care about you and that whatever you do to yourself you do to them. You're reflecting your shit onto them and forcing them to deal with your problems. And if you think tough shit thats their problem; I am sorry for you. But you have to choose to either reject everything and everyone around you or at least know that your actions will hurt and anger those around you.

think about it anyway.

neal

Re: Think About it
Posted by ego on Tue Aug 28 13:49:24 2001 (#10002)

the only person i am hurting with my actions, is my beloved girlfriend. because of her, i decidet to see a psydoc. other person hurt me in the past. when he was drunk ( he`s alcoholic) and beatet me with his fists and belts, beated my brother and our mother. he has been beaten from his father. i decidet thats its now time to end it. i feel the same aggressions in any part of me that is heavylli to controll. as long as i am in trouble with my past i am not able to care about persons that hurt me. it is not a thing of revenge. it is a thing of psychic health. they dont know about my selfinjourious behaviour. i dont told them because i know, that it would hurt them if they knew. i dont want to hurt anyone with my actions. i should tell it in german, that would be easier. ;-) they did not care when i took a bottle of pills and slept for 2 days. they dont took care about my anxiousness. everybody knew and nobody took care. now i am near 30 years old and i do what ever is neccesary to get healthy. is that wrong? i heal my pains and wounds. i am the person that is able to do so. and i would never ever go back to the bad grounds that hurt me. i really have to learn a better english ;-) in german: Ich allein bin in der Lage, meine Vergangenheit zu bereinigen. Es geht mir icht um Rache, doch ich könnte nicht zu den Leuten gehen, die mir wehgetan haben, die mir nicht geholfen haben, die keinen Versuch unternahmen, die Gewalt zu beenden, wenn ich diese Dinge nicht erst in m-e-i-n-e-m Kopf geklärt habe. Ich nehme es meinem Vater nicht übel, das er geprügelt hat. Er hat es eben nicht anders lernen können. Ich nehme mir nur das Recht, diesen Leuten nicht entgegenzutreten, solange ich dazu unfähig bin, solange es weh tut.

Re: Think About it
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 28 01:24:08 2001 (#9989)

Amanda, You haven't let me down, nor has anyone else. My feelings are that of compassion. While I don't know the pain any of you go through, I still consider all of you my friends and just don't want you to hurt your- selves really bad. I think about all of you every night and hope you make it through another day. Just wanted everyone to know how I feel about all of you. Take care and stay strong. Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: Think About it
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 28 02:03:22 2001 (#9991)

i know ive thought about that alot almost every time i cut, cept when the urge is just to big. and i cant control it

long sleeves
Posted by linzee on Mon Aug 27 21:46:04 2001 (#9982)

well u'll just have to wear long sleeves in gym then wont u lindsey. fuck no its gym god i'd die of heat.

Re: long sleeves
Posted by *poi§on on Tue Aug 28 00:01:44 2001 (#9985)

yeah that sucks, i had to do the same thing last year. i was soooooooo hot!!! and people were like "aren't you DYING?" i just lied and was like NO i'm cold, i have a low iron count...

~Amanda~

urge
Posted by steven on Tue Aug 28 00:41:55 2001 (#9988)

mom just yelled, dad doesnt call...friends are gone...* sigh *cant sleep, cant get up. dont want to talk about it right now. who would i talk to? *stares at cieling* f#ck it...*lights the match holds it to close*

it makes me sick to say this , but i admit it. it could very well be called a ruitine. it wasnt sickning when i did it.

Re: urge
Posted by Jess on Thu Aug 30 23:35:52 2001 (#10041)

whats gettin at u?

i had a really strange experiance
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Tue Aug 28 02:22:03 2001 (#9992)

today i played a gig in a pub in northenden (that's in manchester) and i basically had to carry the gig on my own because the band were for want of a better word crap. i played a load of Simon and Garfunkle songs along with a load of comedy songs and i went down really well. this is where i start to feel wierd you see last night i cut myself for the first time in eight and a half weeks and therefore went to the gig feeling really weak and pissed off with myself. i wasn't going to play but i did anyway after i finished the entire crowd loved it. they were singing along claping laughing and basically having a good time. and afterwards they started to praise me the guy who asked me to play told me i was a lifesaver and i got a bloke offering me a place in thier band. and for the next three hours everyone was shaking my hand and telling me i should have played to all the people on the viullage green. i was feeling wierd becuase a)i was only playing stuff i play all the time, i wasn't doing anything special and more strangely b) never has anyone every given me praise like that. i felt as though i didn't belong as though i wasn't good enough to be acepting all their praise and i still feel odd. i'm trying to fight the urge to cut myself over it because i feel like a fraud.

does this happen much at all

i need to make it go away
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 28 02:54:06 2001 (#9993)

I cut so frickin much today. I scratched my hips raw today after excusing myself to go to the bathroom at school. When I got home from school, for the first time ever I carved a word into my thigh. And then later I cut up my thighs with my razor. And it's not even enuf. I still feel awful and crappy and I can't take any of this any more. I need it to stop. Everything is swallowing me and I need the pain to go away. And my "friend" is being a frickin b*tch to me and she's REALLY p*ssing me off. I didn't do a THING to her, and she's acting absolutely horrible to me. She's that kind of person, she's always rude to everyone, but THIS is beyond that. I don't even know why I put up with her. SHE IS MAKING ME WANT TO POKE MY EYEBALLS OUT!!!! lol. But really, she is seriously making me incredibly peeved. And I school has just started and the stress is already getting to me. And I just want to make it stop. I need to make it stop.

Re: i need to make it go away
Posted by LINZEE on Tue Aug 28 04:15:06 2001 (#9995)

i totally know how u feel, just neeed it to go away, im scared to go on anit Ds but im seriouly thinking about it, imso sick of it to, but this depression feels like my only friend rite now, or ever, im sorry u had a bad day i hope that u'll have some good ones a head.:)

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