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Threads 2401 to 2450

Do I still exist?
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Aug 17 04:46:58 2001 (#9654)

hmmm, guess I do. Any-who I know I havent been here in like forever but I just really needed to check in on things. I know ther's at least one person here that remembers me. and I suppose I just needed to see if they were ok. I don't know why, call it human stupidity (more like Andrew stupidity) but I can't stay away from pain. Weather it's self inflicted , reading others, inflicting it on others or all of the above I'm a sucker for pain. and yes I do feel really bad afterwords with the inflicting one.

Any-who2 like I said I just needed to check things out, have some people say my name (I have a fear of being forgotin by the world)

laters all..... p.s. Still haven't cut for....ummmm, too F*cking long!

Drew :)

Re: Do I still exist?
Posted by Maggie on Fri Aug 17 09:10:25 2001 (#9660)

Hey Drew... I remember you!!! I'm glad you're dropping in again... even if it is just to seek more pain by reading ours.

Hope you're doing okay... well done on refraining from the blades :) Stick around mate, I miss you.

Maggie. xxx

Re: Do I still exist?
Posted by *poi§on on Fri Aug 17 18:05:24 2001 (#9677)

GO DREW!!! even if 'tis a pain in yur arse!!! (irish accent) :) just have fun, and stuff like that! and just so u know, ur not the only one who feeds off other's pain *wink*

peace, love, and grease! (the chicken kind) ~Amanda~

Re: Do I still exist?
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 17 20:01:32 2001 (#9684)

Hey Drew! 'Course we wouldn't forget you. Congrats on not cutting. I'm proud. You have more guts than me. Hope you stay around here - missed you and your quirkyness. :-)

Lots of love

Rememberance
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Fri Aug 17 07:42:13 2001 (#9656)

Etched in time Staring blankly up into skies forever changing Resting safely down where the earth enfolds one in its wings.

Sentenced to sleep Leaves fall and clutter the stone path The broken wind whispers softly to pronounce the rhymes and reasons.

Quiet sudden noises Imparting on the world wisdom long forgotten To leave marks upon turning pages to ensure remembrance in time.

Standing once more Bidding silent farewells to such precious existence Finally the rain begins to fall the bells of heaven toll.

Shakily walking foreward Cast back one last glance and sigh Beyond touch and sight and love the soul will be remembered.

The poetry should have given it away... I am still here sadly... very much alive I should hope...

Forever in the shadow - Moridhin Daemandrheadd Medvedev Shalakhov

Re: Rememberance
Posted by Maggie on Fri Aug 17 09:16:49 2001 (#9661)

I remember when you used to post your poetry a long time ago. I wondered what happened to you.

Touching words... I hope you don't mean too much by it.

Take care, Maggie.

Re: Rememberance
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 17 17:05:22 2001 (#9671)

Wow.....in the words of Mr. Dinero:

"YOU are good"

Do you know how when you read something and get that little tickle on your neck and the butterfiles in your stomach? That is how I felt when I read it....

Keep it up.....

Re: Rememberance
Posted by *poi§son on Fri Aug 17 18:08:46 2001 (#9678)

Moridhinn!!!!!! i miss you!!!! remember me? Amanda, Cheze2? i see your poetry is still as beautiful and intricate as always. :)keep it up and IM me sometime! i miss you! :) -Cheze2-aim

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease!

~Amanda

If You Were Here
Posted by Lindsey on Fri Aug 17 07:56:18 2001 (#9657)

Damn it, it's not fair! Everyone knew him, but I know nothing! My dad, that's who I'm talking about. I don't know anything about him and other people do. Me, his flesh and blood, the only thing left of him on this earth, knows nothing about him. I wish Margaret and I had a good relationship so I could ask her things, like what his favorite movie was, his favorite song, what his laugh sounded like, how he smelled. The one that's getting to me are his hands. Did they look like mine? Do I have my father's hands?

It's just not fair. No one asked me if I wanted to be raised a bastard child. The forces that be just took him without thinking about his only child.

Would he be proud of me if he were here? Would I have these scars and would I be mentally dead? I'd risk everything I am and all that I will ever be just for five minute with him. To just see his face, breathe him in, hug him once ... it would be everything to me.

"Now that I'm here I hear you, and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself ringing in me now that you're somewhere else." - from 'If You Were Here' by Poe

Re: If You Were Here
Posted by Maggie on Fri Aug 17 09:04:39 2001 (#9659)

I'm sorry you are going through a bad time :) I don't know what your stand is on this, but I've always believed that we can still communicate with those who have died... not physically, but definately in our minds. I think that they can hear our thoughts, and they respond by guiding us through our intuition. And if you fully engage yourself in a mental conversation with them, you can feel an almost physical presence. Yes... it's all in the mind... but so much of everyday communication is not through the conscious route. The mind is non-tangible and it's functions cannot be measured...

I don't know if this will help you... but it works for me. :) I hope I don't sound too crazy. Take care, Maggie.

Re: If You Were Here
Posted by *poi§on on Fri Aug 17 18:16:33 2001 (#9680)

you have every right to to wonder these things. but weather or not you are able to find out the answer. think about the other's in your life who are close to you. do you have their fun personality? have you aquired their cooking skills? just little things. maybe your even closer to a father than you think? even if it isn't the real one. Don't look at the past as a burden placed upon you. because what wouldn't u have now if your father was there? how do you know that you would live the life you do now? how do you know it might not be worse? you can never tell. just look ahead. there is Pain and then there is Suffering. you can choose which you want to be. Suffering is Lingering in the past and torturing yourself day in and day out about what could have been. while pain is short and will heal. you can't avoid pain, but you can avoid suffering. try to make it better for yourself, not worse

love, peace, and all that other stuff! ~Amanda~

Re: If You Were Here
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 17 20:10:40 2001 (#9685)

Lindsey, I completely understand. Do you remember the posts a while back between you and me, talking about our half-siblings and being raised with in a house alone w/ our mothers? We have a lot in common. I relate completely to your post. It IS unfair. I know nothing at all about my father. I just learned THIS YEAR the day he died because I saw it written on a form my mother filled out for school or something. I don't know his birthday. I don't know what he liked, what he didn't like, what he WAS like. I think in my entire life I have seen 2 pictures of him. It is impossible for me to bring him up to my mother. It would be too awkward and painful and I know that you know what I'm talking about when I try to describe that, even though it can't really be described. I, too, would give anything to see him, to know him, to have him tell me that he loves me.

I don't know if I have helped at all, but please know that I UNDERSTAND. Write if you want to talk. Take care and be safe. Lots of love.

Cutting disorder(HELP ME)
Posted by peta on Fri Aug 17 13:49:24 2001 (#9663)

BEFORE YOU READ...I HAVE DYSLEXIA AND WELL MY PROOF READER DIDN*T COME IN TO DAY...=)

I have been given a job to write about this relativly new disorder. However it has been very difficult to find good information... So my request is that if anyone out there know of a page or a book that would explain this disorder to me I would very much apprehiate if you could mail me.

I have a appointment in two weeks to talk to a group of woman with this particular disorder and would like to atleast know something about this before talking to them.

Peta

ps I read the treads on this page and from what I gather some of you are very angry because people tell you to stop, my opinion is that it only the fear that you would go to far one day...but then this is a opinion of a 25 year old that spent most of her life not sjhowing her feelings and some would say that that is not healthy either....I would help me allot if you could explain because the information I have found it just explains what it is in clearly medical terms i would like to understand why....??( I hope I have offended anyone, but If i have I am truely sorry.)

Re: Cutting disorder(HELP ME)
Posted by *poi§on on Fri Aug 17 18:21:26 2001 (#9681)

Hello! i would love to help you with your study. (and by the way you control your dyslexia very well) :) a book i like is A Bright Red Scream By marilee Strong. It includes the medical and psycholigical aspect as well as some good stories to help you understand. i believe you can goto any bookstore such as stroudwater, or barnes and noble and just pick it up. but if you would like you may IM me on AIM -cheze2 or you may e-mail me

~Amanda

a waste! (I'm back)
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 17 15:27:22 2001 (#9664)

what am I? who am I? am I doomed to this eternal life of anger and hate? I am nothing, unknown to the world and forgotten by all drowning in my tears cried by cursed lies I saw comfort in my blades for!

I finaly got back from my vacation to Ohio...I've been squished in a small car w/my family for hours now and it feels good to finaly get out and stretch! I had fun on my vacation, I just can't bring myself to see that I had fun! I have this overwhelming urge to cut...I haven't in a week cuz I've been gone! I really hated some of the times I had on vacation....I hate stupid shorts... my parents made me wear shorts and u could c my scars, it felt like everyone was staring! we stopped in Canada to c the Niagra Falls all lit up 'n' stuff...it kinda looked like vagas where we were...everything was lit up...all the casinos and everything was big and bright! for the past few weeks I have felt this weird feeling coming over me like I was gonna get raped...I'm afraid to leave my house again and step out into the world around me, but the world is soOo cruel! a lot of ppl I had passed by just walking on the streets where I went had made these faces and gestures to me...they were all staring at me like I had the words "rape me" written across my forehead! I never wanna go outside again...but the funny thing is I met this kid where I went and for some reason I wanna just runaway (I felt like this b4 I met him) and I wanted him to come w/me so I don't feel soOo alone! I'm in tears right now...I don't know whether I'm just over tired from all the walking and no sleep w/this stupid sunburn...or just scared to leave and get raped...but I wanna leave, I have to! I know I'm gonna get raped cuz I can feel it and I've never felt ne thing soOo strongly b4! I'll stop typing for now cuz I'm probly wasting ur time! by the time u get this I'll either be sitting at my computer afraid to sleep (for a very good reason), runaway, or passed out cuz I can't avoid sleep forever! *hugs* Christine

Re: a waste! (I'm back)
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 17 20:17:54 2001 (#9686)

You said that you are nothing and unknown to the world, and forgotten...I know what those feelings are like. But you really are important. You are important to me and you are important to everyone on this board. You are a wonderful human being who deserves much more than the crappy hand of cards Life has dealt you. Please stay safe and let me know if you need anything. I'll do my best to help. Lots of love

Re: a waste! (I'm back)
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 18 01:33:08 2001 (#9692)

Hi Christine, I'm glad you're back, but I'm sorry you're feeling bad. You know I'm here for you. I'm gonna send you a private email so look for it. Hang on honey, you're tough. You know you can always email me and I'll talk to you. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: a waste! (I'm back)
Posted by Emm on Tue Aug 21 13:43:47 2001 (#9787)

Hi Babe, you are worth alot hunney, you may not feel it at this time, but you are. Please email me if you wanna talk to me hun, love always Emm xxx

no one like me
Posted by linzee on Fri Aug 17 15:58:47 2001 (#9665)

i fell like...i have nothing i common with u guys any more i fell so different.. like ive gone down that road of depression and its so far that no ones there like me

Re: no one like me
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 17 17:16:36 2001 (#9673)

We all suffer from depression in one degree or another and I think we all hurt ourselves too. I know when I am hideously depressed it is easy to disassociate myslef from others and feel like I am all alone.

Just remember....even though we all come from different walks of life, and have different ideas about everything....we all understand. We may not be able to reach thru the computer and help but we can understand.

I keep all of you in my thoughts all day...

Sorry....that was a little mushy and cheesy...but if my sentiments and feelings help, there is plenty more where that came from.....

Keep your head up linzee..

Re: no one like me
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 17 20:22:19 2001 (#9687)

I agree w/ you toxicmind - we are all bonded by our SI. We will forever be bonded by our lives intertwining together on this board. Even if years from now our lives take a different path, it is impossible to erase this time period in our life where we came here to seek help and support and to find comfort and relief. Our lives are forever tied to each other and we are all the same here. Here we are all welcomed and loved.

I did something that helped
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 17 17:08:34 2001 (#9672)

Yesterday I spent the whole day volunteering at a homeless shelter. I have tried alot of other things, but I have found that if you can't help yourself, help someone else.

I am still on a high from yesterday and I hope it continues. I have not cut or burned since wednesday...or felt like it. I feel almost good about myself.

I could learn to like this.......

Re: I did something that helped
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Fri Aug 17 21:45:03 2001 (#9689)

That sounds nice, I use to volunteer too. I did it at this place called thr kid's kottage, a place for people to take their kids when they are fighting, (arguing) but it just made me more depressed because the kids there had bruises all over them...

Dropping by
Posted by Strider on Fri Aug 17 17:49:48 2001 (#9674)

Anyone remember me? I used to be an avid user of this board, then I joined the army (I'm actually writing this from my basic training building). I just wanted to tell eveyone that remembers me that I'm doing good, and I still pray for you all. I don't have much time, so I'll have to end this here. See you later everyone.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Dropping by
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 17 18:10:42 2001 (#9679)

OMG OMG OMG!!! YAY!! how r u???I've missed u soOo much!!! I wish u were on more often u were fun to talk to n stuff! I hope ur having fun!! please post again if u have the chance or e-mail me! I miss u soOo much!!! *hugs* Christine

Re: Dropping by
Posted by *poi§on on Fri Aug 17 18:27:01 2001 (#9682)

STRIDER!!!! I MISS YOU!!!! this is amanda aka Cheze2 remember me??? I hope you enjoy the army! I miss you!!!!!!!!!! ahhhh!!! i was just asking where you went cause i left and i just came back! :) geez this is kool! :) well i really hope that you have fun and also ...i will try and pray for you. i'm just kinda starting to get into this religion thing...it scares me alot. but i'll try

~Amanda

Re: Dropping by
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 17 20:24:38 2001 (#9688)

I remember you, Colin, although I was new here for the most part before you left, so I don't know if you remember me. I am glad you are doing well though. Take care and be safe. Lots of love

Re: Dropping by
Posted by Suzie on Fri Aug 17 21:48:55 2001 (#9690)

colin, if you get this, please email me or give me your new addy. PLEASE, i didntget your letter till WAY later because i was in the hospital. PLEASE i dont know how to get in touch with ylou. Call me, or write me a letter, or anything. Please... Love you

Suzie

Re: Dropping by
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 18 01:39:04 2001 (#9693)

Hi Colin, We haven't talked before, but you helped my daughter,Tara, a lot last year. I post here now trying to help some of the others on this board. I just wanted to thank you for helping Tara. She is doing so much better. She has cut only once in the last 8 months or so. There are times she still wants to, but she is learning to work through that. I will tell her later on that you posted. She'll be very happy to know you're doing okay. I hope you continue to do well Colin. You helped a lot of people when you were here and we haven't forgotten you. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: Dropping by
Posted by Maggie on Sat Aug 18 08:39:53 2001 (#9700)

COLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've missed you soooo much... How is the army going??? Did you get my letter? Please send me your new contact details... I'd really like to get in touch again!

Luv always, Maggie.

Re: Dropping by
Posted by somone on Sat Aug 18 19:13:39 2001 (#9707)

Missed you..Alot!

Re: Dropping by
Posted by somone on Sat Aug 18 19:13:58 2001 (#9708)

Missed you..Alot! Vicky.

Re: Dropping by
Posted by Sharon on Sat Aug 18 20:40:24 2001 (#9713)

Hey buddy! I'm glad to hear that you're doin' good (my English teacher would faint if she saw this! Lol) I'm praying for you and your dad and I hope everything is going good with him. Let me know if I can get in touch with you or anything. hugs from your sis in Christ, Sharon

WEbsite
Posted by *poi§on on Fri Aug 17 18:30:33 2001 (#9683)

does anyone know if/when this website will be updated? i think it was started for a great cause and i wish it would continue! like some new stories, pics, some new ideas to try and distract yourself. i was just wondering what happened to the owner of the website, i heard she used to post here? i dunno...

Love, Peace, 'n Chicken Grease!

~Amanda

Re: WEbsite
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 17 22:57:16 2001 (#9691)

I was wondering that myself....

Which brings me to another question:

I know a few of you already have Web sites and there are many, many more out there about SI and depression. I am a Web designer by trade and happen to have a URL (toxicmind.com, no less), and I have been thinking about putting up a site.

Do we really need another site about SI or depression? Do I want to do it because of vanity? Will it help anyone?

I know that I like to read others stories and I kind of wanted to have it be a place where people could put stories and I could put a version of my personal journal online. I also wanted to do something to combat the ignorance (thru education) of people who don't suffer from what we do. I think many of us feel needless pain from trying to explain the unexplainable to people who find out what we do. One thing (of many) that really bothers me is the fact that some people feel they can disrespect or treat us in a way they would normally not treat another human being, just because we suffer from a mental illness.

But, I have just been thinking...Is it worth it? Do I want to add another bump on the information highway? Would it make me feel better to do it? Why do it if there are already GREAT sites out there like this one?

I don't know...I was just thinking....

Re: WEbsite
Posted by Linda on Sun Aug 19 03:53:10 2001 (#9723)

I believe that a gentleman named Morten Wulff put this website up. I could be wrong but I think I remember that from the very first. If you go to the top and search "several eons" and the posts by Morten Wulff, you will learn a little about him. Also, I believe somewhere on this site is a synopsis of why he put this up. This is all very vague. Maybe he will answer us if he reads the posts. And "Toxic", as for your idea, I say go for it. I think you could do a good job with sharing in a very balanced way. I believe it could be very helpful.

Re: WEbsite
Posted by Linda on Sun Aug 19 03:57:30 2001 (#9724)

Yes! I just went back to the heading called "About". That is where you will find information about this project and who Mr. Wulff is.

i was thinking
Posted by *me* on Sat Aug 18 03:09:09 2001 (#9694)

Last night and throughout today I thought a lot. There are many things I thought about and drew conclusions about, but there's one in particular I wanted to share.

What a bunch of fools inhabit this planet.

Ok, there are plenty of really STUPID people out there, you know the ones I'm talking about, those people who wouldn't know a rock if it hit them in the head. Those aren't the people I'm talking about. I'm talking about practically every single person on earth. The ones who only see what they want to see.

If any of you bumped into me on the street, I would venture to guess that you would have a hard time pegging me as "depressed," or "a self-injurer," or "OCD." I look normal. I am one of those preppy girls. I shop at stores like Gap and American Eagle. I go to a private catholic school. To everyone who knows me I am a happy-go-lucky kinda gal. I put on a good show, if I do say so myself.

But I was thinking, how every single person who knows me, even my very best friend, they would never in a million years guess that I injure myself purposely. And I was thinking, how foolish everyone really is. Even though I put on an act, that's what they want to see. People see what they want to see. None of them expect or want me to have problems, so I simply don't. Does that make sense?

Ok so that's a little sort of epiphany I came to. I came to others, but that's the one I wanted to share. Ok that's all from me for now.

Re: i was thinking
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Sun Aug 19 01:53:49 2001 (#9716)

i agree. no-one can tell my feelings either. i am also good at putting on a show and the only peopple who know that i injure myself are people who i have told. they wouldn't know otherwise and were shocked when i told them. i think however that people won't think about it if you know what i mean. you don't walk down the street and ask someone "hey have you cut your arms before?" you know what i mean it's not something you say or even think about

just thought i'd say andy

Re: i was thinking
Posted by Linda on Sun Aug 19 03:43:03 2001 (#9721)

Well, I would like to say that for the last 17 months, since being on this board, that thought crosses my mind all the time. When I see someone with long sleeves on in the sultry heat of summer, I wonder. When I see someone that is obviously overly happy, I wonder. Sometimes when I just pass a group of teens I wonder if any of them have experienced this pain. But I don't ask. How could you? The best we can do is to let a person act and if they choose to confide then try to help.

god knows......ask the bod..
Posted by anachronistic eternity on Sat Aug 18 04:33:28 2001 (#9697)

I never decided to die, but I didn't decide to live either

Free will sucks Satans cock

Athiests just don't like dick

Another fucking morning is another fucking mourning

The innocent bleed into an afterlife, the guilty simply bleed

without hope we are hopeless, with it we are less than hope

Faith fucks truth & bestialty is holy

So many scars on my skin, I hate god more than he hates me

Everyone suffers, everyone feels Cry or sleep. We all weep pillows Cut to the muscle, give me cocaine

Narcotic sunrise, piss me a rainbow Bleach the black

Deaf men laugh when the fat lady sings, Music is the oblivion etched into my soul So scared of losing my grip, but I already have.. I'm lost

So lost, so lost...... So lost

cradle me in your faith, I have only debris

x

Re: god knows......ask the bod..
Posted by spirit of dead blue ant on Sat Aug 18 08:57:54 2001 (#9701)

guilty,gripless,unfound.me. xxx

Re: god knows......ask the bod..
Posted by Tara on Sat Aug 18 16:09:44 2001 (#9704)

hi

i have a question.how do you come up with this stuff?i don't agree with that.i don't really believe in god myself but i do know that there is something out there that created us all for some main purpose in life.i just don't understand your point of view.that is the first time i can honestly say that.mabye you could explain it to me a little better.well gonna jet now.

LOVE YA ANYWAYS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

The kitty with sharp claws...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Sat Aug 18 06:09:27 2001 (#9698)

The kitten smiles on the wounds he licks in bright red filtered light razor sharp claws glinting plainly in the pseudo-sunshine of the endorphine rise ecstatic screaming the evidence is incontravertible indeniable fate laughs cruely at the door to oblivion as the flesh spreads wider opening the gates into the hell that rages in my heart... I am a cat that does not purr... there is no one to stroke my cheek against... I war with the blade...

Only the dead have seen the end of war... -Plato

FROM THE MIND OF THE MORBID KITTY

Re: The kitty with sharp claws...
Posted by KAT on Sun Aug 19 04:13:43 2001 (#9725)

nice E0mail me I d like to talk with you.
:)

The truth of my pain...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Sat Aug 18 07:16:17 2001 (#9699)

Iron butterflies rest at the center of my mind I try to stand but am denied I smile at the world and it gives me the finger I laugh at the sun and it tells me to fuck off I slash beneath the moon and it comforts me... the cover of darkness is my safety... I am controled conformed my parents have punished me repeatedly for the violent massacres that happen over night... they won't allow me to do anything but they won't send me for help... they say I am sick this is not a disease... if they sent me for help they feel they would be dubbed bad parents... I hate them with a passion surpassed only by love and my blade... it is hellishly hard to fight on two fronts... hitler proved that as napoleon and Mao Tse Tung and many before and after them... I fight myself and I fight the world... it is I who will crash to the ground in the end...

black rose
Posted by Tara on Sat Aug 18 16:19:44 2001 (#9705)

hey girl

how have you been?i guess i have been ok.did you read my post?i hope so.work has gone shity.i have some pretty fucked up hours.i go back and forth between 2pm-10pm and 10pm-6am.those are the hours that i work most of the time.i got off at 6am this morning where i am and my boss wanted me to turn around and go back in at 2pm which ment that i was going to have to get up at 12:30pm so i could take a shower.i would have been dead by the time i went to work again.but mom is going to call my boss and tell her off or something like that.atleast i hope so.i love my mom.she takes good care of me.well i am gonna jet for now.you need to e-mail me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Hello
Posted by Strider on Sat Aug 18 18:07:04 2001 (#9706)

I see that people still remember me here. Well, I remember everyone else as well! I'm doing good in the army. My Sargent is just awesome, he's like something straight out of an old war movie. It's been pretty interesting to say the least. I haven't been able to contact anyone, and this is about all I'll be able to do for a while. My email is still the same, I just can't check it right now. Good to see the new people and the familiar faces. I'll definately be back here when I have the chance, but until then....

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Hello
Posted by Someone on Sat Aug 18 19:17:35 2001 (#9709)

I'm glad your doing ok!! Miss you alot ... just be safe ok! hope you remember me . lots of love vicky!

Re: Hello
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 18 19:56:11 2001 (#9710)

I'll never ever forget u!!! I love when u post...please keep posting! I'm happy to hear ur doing good...keep it up! *hugs* Christine

yet another poem
Posted by Sharon on Sat Aug 18 20:52:16 2001 (#9714)

Hi, for any of you who read my post to Linda (preaching and religion) this is the poem that I wrote last year that I told her about.

Standing on the outside looking in.

Seeing the mindlessness of an empty religion.

I can no longer conform to their rules.

That makes me a rebel in their eyes,

Perhaps that is what I am,

I do not know.

And if I stay, they will never permit me to find out.

It is cold out here, on the outside.

I have no blanket of comfortable religion in which to wrap myself.

No one comes to see me,

They are afraid of what others might say.

I see them condemning me,

Standing there in their calm hypocrisy.

They don't understand what has driven me to the outside.

They don't understand that I am searching beyond the limits.

They only think that I have crossed them.

But I am on a quest.

A journey to discover how to seperate a Man I love

From the numerous frauds that claim to speak for Him.

Seeking a way to truly know Him as He is,

Not to hear it distorted by someone else.

That no longer satisfies.

I wish to know Him as a Friend, a Father, a Love,

Not just as another method of cleansing,

Or another system of change.

The systems and methods have ceased to work,

And those who suggested them have gone.

I am left alone, on the outside.

I struggle with myself,

Wondering if in rejecting them, I am also rejecting Him.

It is a strange place here,

Full of hurts and sorrows, joys and relief.

There are others that are also seeking,

We walk side by side, sharing stories, sharing pain,

Sharing the promise of better things to come.

In all this chaos, I have found some measure of peace.

I have found that He lived, breathed, and died because of

His love for those on the outside.

so, that's my little poem. Say safe everyone, and take care of yourselves.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: yet another poem
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Aug 19 20:50:29 2001 (#9734)

Sharon, Have you ever thought about getting your poems copywrited(?) and having them published? Some of them are really good. My brother used to write poetry when he was first divorced from his first wife. Some of them were so dark, it scared me. Now he's happy with a new wife and a pretty little girl. He still has the poems and we're trying to talk him into doing this also. You might check into it. I honestly think you could get some of them published cause they are so good. Anyways, take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: yet another poem
Posted by Sharon on Mon Aug 20 01:53:12 2001 (#9744)

Aw, Rhonda, that's one of the best compliments you could pay me. I'm not sure if I'd do that just because I'd be uncomfortable with people reading what I'd written without the same emotions I had when I wrote them, does that make sense? But I'll think about it, thanks for saying what you did!

hugs,

Sharon

Re: yet another poem
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 21 01:45:59 2001 (#9775)

Sharon, If you ever do decide to publish some of them, let me know. I can ask my brother how to go about doing it. Plus there are different places to submmit poems to, so maybe we could find a place that dealt with poems like yours. It's worth a try. Some of you others should look into this also. There are some very good writers on this board and who knows, if some of your stuff is published, you might help someone who doesn't have access to a computer and no one to talk to. Ya'll think about it. Love, Rhonda

strider
Posted by Suzie on Sun Aug 19 01:49:14 2001 (#9715)

just to let eveyone know.

that this person isnt colin

forone, hes in bootcamp, so he cant use the computers

number two

all the emails that i wrote to him would have come up atleast checked

and number 3, not to sound egotistocal, but he would have replyed to atleast what i wrote, you all know colin, and he would have replyed, so this is not colin

Re: strider
Posted by LOST on Sun Aug 19 03:23:57 2001 (#9720)

i think it is him... i think that he doesn't have time to respond to everyones posts (he didn't respond to ANYONE) and bootcamp is only like 2 months... i think he's been gone longer than that bcuz he left while i still lived with my parents and that was way longer than 2 months ago. u'll be alright kid

Re: strider
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 19 06:08:27 2001 (#9726)

Haha, LOST, you are so funny. Hey suzie, I think that LOST took offence to you saying that he would AT LEAST respond to you. I'm sorry to say, but I have to agree with LOST on this one. That was a tad bit snotty of you to say, considering we all have pasts with Colin. Whose to say he wouldn't have responded to LOST or contacted me, or anyone else...and not you. You have to remember that you weren't the only person in Colin's life. We all were, and you should be careful about what you say.

I still like you though. (are you all old comers shocked or what? Yes, we have patched things up! SHOCKER!)

~Alana~

one more voice
Posted by elle on Sun Aug 19 06:17:54 2001 (#9727)

i dunno if its him guys, i mean he prolly would have access to email at least to read if he could come on psyke. and i mean he would have found time to reply, not just to suzie. and there were an awful lot of grammer and spelling mistakes for colin. he usually writes better than that. and even if he's done with boot camp he still has basic training and if he is on leave, he doesnt have a computer then either. owell, i dunno, if it is him, i am glad hes doing ok, but i think its kinda wierd he would just leave a random post and not be able to read his email. usually if you can get onto psyke, you can at least look at your email

Re: strider
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Sun Aug 19 07:11:12 2001 (#9729)

Knowing him personally... that is how he truly is... he seeks only to better himself and preys upon the naieve minds that will listen to what he preaches... few of you will believe me but he tried it with me and lost horribly... defeated at his own game he ceased to contact me... if it matters, he has not contacted any of his close personal friends here either so he obviously cannot... hate me as you will...

The Kitty

Re: strider
Posted by Alana on Wed Aug 22 04:27:10 2001 (#9815)

Good one Kitty...finally someone agrees with me.

Re: strider
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 22 21:37:44 2001 (#9832)

Kitty, I have read this post several times and each time I think that I should answer but there never seems to be enough time to sit and think it through but I must. You mentioned about Strider:"he seeks only to better himself and preys upon the naieve minds that will listen to what he preaches... few of you will believe me but he tried it with me and lost horribly... defeated at his own game he ceased to contact me..." I am unsure of what you mean by this but if you mean that he tried to tell you about grace and faith and ceased because he lost horribly, then I would like to add another side to that. I do not know this because Colin never told me anything about this but I wonder if he did not try to tell you about his faith and when it was plain that you were not open to his words, he simply saved his time and left you alone. I don't believe that makes him defeated, I think that just gives him time to try to help someone else more receptive. Also, how do you think someone would be seeking to better themselves by taking time to converse and try to help other people. I know that every minute I spend on here is time that is very valuable and could be used for something that must be done in my own home but I choose to share my time with you. I think that Colin probably felt the same way.

What's the debate about?
Posted by Alana on Sun Aug 19 02:11:08 2001 (#9717)

What's the debate about guys? Whether it's Strider or not??? Well lets see, it could be him because of the famous "love and prayers" or it might not be him because he didn't spell "sargent" right.

But all in all, does it really matter? Half the people on this board don't even know who Strider is, so lets just leave it at that. Strider was an inspiration on this board, who will never be forgotten....but....we have to move on.

Whether it was Strider or not...we still miss him. But that's it. No more debate.

Re: What's the debate about?
Posted by elle on Sun Aug 19 06:21:18 2001 (#9728)

yep. its just something to ponder, and if your lives are anything like mine then you have lots of time when any distraction is better than doing what you should be doing. and if any one was to imitate him, let me just point out that using love and prayers would be the most obvious cause he wrote it in EVERYTHING. and whatever. we dont even live here anymore. let the people here go on with their lives.

Baby update if you care
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 19 02:37:41 2001 (#9718)

I thought some of you might care that the baby came home yesterday. She is doing really well. I still believe it was (and continues to be) a miracle. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.

Re: Baby update if you care
Posted by black rose on Sun Aug 19 03:04:02 2001 (#9719)

YAY! I'm glad she's ok! I hope everything continues as is! take care! *hugs* Christine

Re: Baby update if you care
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Aug 19 03:46:00 2001 (#9722)

I'm really glad for the baby. Still keep me updated every now and then. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Great News...Thank you Jesus
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Mon Aug 20 00:38:13 2001 (#9742)

I am so glad. I hope everything is going well. Everyone must be so excited, yet a little guarded, but very happy to have her home.

Babies are always good news. We need good news. When we consider all the fright and pain the family went through when things looked bleak, and we relate it too our lives we can see that with faith in God's best for our lives, we too can press on through the hard times in our lives

God Bless you Remember I'm praying for you, and the baby love and hugs Dawn

BaBy!
Posted by linzee on Mon Aug 20 18:38:42 2001 (#9758)

whats the babys name??? i love babies! im glad ur happy that the babies home!

Re: BaBy!
Posted by *me* on Mon Aug 20 22:57:39 2001 (#9765)

Her name is Hailey. I love babies too. All children for that matter. They are blessed with the innocence of life.

Re: BaBy!
Posted by LINZEE on Tue Aug 21 20:42:40 2001 (#9801)

really MY MOM WAS GOING TO NAME ME HAILeY! ...I LOVE THAT NAME...BUT THEN MY AUNT TALKED HER OUTA IT:(:(:( WELL IM GLAD THAT BABY HAS MY FAVORITE NAME!

blah blah blah
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sun Aug 19 08:22:43 2001 (#9730)

hmmm, I can't keep up with you guys, there's so many people on this board, to me, it's just, fuck it, I'm leaving, meh, no one's gonna miss me, buh bye

don't think I'll come back, see ya

"Deep in your heart you can't be wrong Lost in that feeling way too strong They say you're going nowhere 'Cause that's as far as their eyes can see And in that case you'd best be leaving"

-Black Halos

Granddaughter is gone. I'm back...
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Sun Aug 19 08:37:13 2001 (#9731)

I have been surffing through the board messages. It seems I made quite a stir. Oh well, maybe it was a good thing. It got ppl talking about God and not so much of harming themselves.

I seem to have taken some hard hits, but you know what they are so trivial they do not even matter.

I was a victim of incest when I was in diapers, I was a victim of a mean, cruel mother....and it was her meaness that led me to my very best friend, Jesus Christ.

Having him for my friend and confidant did not change the world I lived in, He just held me when I needed to cry.

Sure I was raped and molested a lot, and the flashbacks weaken my resolve to live a victorious life. There are times when I feel like "me" who is swallowed up in pain and yearn with every fiber of my being to be free, and the horrors of reliving rape after rape after rape scream at me just as whatever hardship each of you are battling screams at you, "the only way to make it stop is to bleed.

Sometimes I don't fight it. That does not nullify my faith that Jesus Christ gave his life to cleanse me from every sin and in so doing adopted me into the family of God.

The Bible does not say that if we believe in God nothing bad will ever happen to you. It simply says that no matter what we've done the price has been paid to make us "God's children.

I am God's child, but sometimes I am a victim of my memories. And the shame I feel makes me hate myself, and my body.

I wish I could be strong all the time, but I can't. Can you who critizie, or play the devil's advocate, or who want to argue about religion, Christianity, and hope. Can you be strong all the time. Well if you can, then why are you on this board.

I'm on this board because I have several mental disorders that reek havoc on my mind and at times I injure my body to make the peace come back.

someone asked why I don't turn to God at those times. It is because my sick mind says God didn't stop it, he doesnt stop the flashbacks, and I'm bad and dirty, and all the words my rapists said about me thunders inside my spirit and I feel totaly unclean, and unlovable and I can't run to freedom at the foot of the cross because I feel utterly unworthy.

But I am getting better. I just spent two weeks as a grandmother, and I did not wig out once.

I fell twice. The first time I cracked a rib, injured my spine and right hip, twisted my ankle and bad knee. And thanked God that my granddaughter was there to get me help, or I would have been on the floor all night.

I fell again on the way to a childrens toy hall of fame, and injured my better knee, and twisted the same ankle and bad knee. But I had taken pain killers before I fell so I was able to go ahead and take my granddaughter through the museum and fun park.

No, the Christian life is not a bed of roses. The Bible says the rain falls on the just and the unjust. Good and Bad things happen to everyone. And when I fall down I bruise and break just like everyone else. The difference is I KNOW THAT WHEN I DIE I WILL BE WELCOMED INTO HEAVEN.

I read one post that made a statement about the Day of Judgement. I want to clear something up. I am not The Judge. I am only a believer who believes in both John 3:16 -18

"For God (The Father) so loved the world (that includes you) that he gave (as a gift) His only begotten Son (Jesus Christ) that whoever (that is you again) believes in Him (Jesus) should not perish (live eternity in hell), but have eternal life.

For God (The Father) did not send the Son (Jesus) into the world to judge the world, but that the world (that's all of us) should be saved through Him (Jesus)

He who believes (that is all that believes) in Him (Jesus) IS NOT JUDGED; he who does not believe has been judged already BECAUSE HE HAS NOT BELIEVED IN THE NAME OF THE ONLY BEGOTTEN SON OF GOD (Jesus)

Those are not my words, but God's

Rhonda, Tara's mom is a woman of faith and so is Linda, and Sharon, and Nuni, just to add a few. We do not all believe in all the same doctrine, we do not all feel the necessity to attend a "church" to be children of God. I do not attend chuch that much, for numerous reasons, but that does not take away my position in Christ. In fact the only thing that can take away our position as children on God...is ourselves. If we stop believing, stop striving to grow as Christians. stop living by faith and trying to make it to heaven on our own merits.

I struggle, I fall down, sometimes I even stay down for a while, But since my roots are grounded in the rock (Jesus) of my salvaion I am like one of the weeble family and I stand up again.

I know this is long, but it was easier to comment on many of the things I read at one time than to post a response to every post.

One more thing. I shared a lot about my faith. And many may not like it. That is how the board is. I read post that are morbid in the language of our struggles with cutting. It is good that they have a place to vent in words rather than with blood. I must confess There have been plenty of times when dealing with bill collectors that I would tell them that the stress they put me through is hazzardos and that if they did not believe me I could sign my name in blood. And I was ready any time to do that. But, Thank God I am no longer at that place.

I read so much about ppl using knives to cut with, and I recently purchased a set of sharp knives and I've been toying almost obsessively with the idea of cutting as soon and my granddaughter left. But after writing all this. The idea seems to have faded. I do not need to try new or different ways to harm mysef. My scissors work fine. But my body hurts too much and in too many places to BOTHER IT anymore

I care or I wouldn't be here. My email is always open. Love and Hugs Dawn...overcoming-1

Re: Granddaughter is gone. I'm back...
Posted by ChrisE on Sun Aug 19 16:56:24 2001 (#9732)

good to have you back, dawn. give your body a break for a bit.

Re: Granddaughter is gone. I'm back...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Aug 19 20:44:30 2001 (#9733)

Glad you're back Dawn. I'm happy to see you had a nice time with your granddaughter. You've been missed. Thanks for the cards you've been sending me. I went to that site and immediatly but it on my bookmarks! I love it. Write when you have time. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Granddaughter is gone. I'm back...
Posted by toxicmind on Sun Aug 19 23:30:22 2001 (#9738)

Your post brought back some memories…

…Reminders of my grandmother (who I heave not seen in years, she lives on the other coast). I really look up to her. She is now in her 80s and has been a Christian her whole life. She has lived a very hard life.

Much of her hardship was due to horrible religious persecution. She grew up going door-to-door preaching to people, in a time and place when, if you were not catholic or a certain kind of white, you were nothing...

...Subjected to abuse and beatings by people who believed their version of the bible should be followed at all cost. If you did not believe in hell, your life was made a living one.

Yet, my grandmother remains faithful to this day. She still goes to church three times a week, and goes door-to-door to talk to people about the bible. She is faithful to god in her heart, no matter what She does this even though she can hardly walk and is legally blind.

And, even though I no longer share the same beliefs, I look to her as one of my greatest heroes.

Dawn: Even though I do not believe most of what you say, I respect you for keeping your faith through horrible hardship. Keep it up. I hope that it gives you comfort and peace. There is so little comfort in this world.

And I hope you realize that even though I will never share your beliefs and may disagree with some of your posts.... loudly...that I don't mean what I say as a personal attack on you or the others on this board who are religious. I just believe everyone should have a say, that everyone’s opinion is important and valued.

And even though some may express themselves in dark, disturbing or if you will, satanic language, they are the same as religious folk. We are all people, flawed and broken, drawn here in the hopes that there are others who they can share their pain.

And then there are those that come on here to shock and annoy, who have nothing better to do than tear others down. I like to call them Web trolls. The web troll is an intelligent and devious animal, who instead of using their intellect to help, use it to hurt. I feel sorry for the web troll, because they have their own pain to deal with, buried deep inside, never to be dealt with. That would make them one of us, and then whom could they make fun of?

Sorry this was so long, but I felt inspired…this is a great board…

"Toxicmind"
Posted by Linda on Mon Aug 20 04:01:40 2001 (#9747)

You know, I have read most all the posts for the last 17 months and I will say that you are a great addition. It is easy to see your pain and yet you are not so wrapped up in yourself that you can't reach out to others. You seem to be very balanced in your dealings with others and that says a lot about your character. I am really curious about your grandparents and the religious persecution you speak of. I would love to hear about it if you wanted to email me. If you are not comfortable with that then I do understand and will not ask again. Thanks for being here.

Re: "Toxicmind"
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 20 19:43:17 2001 (#9759)

Wow!....that is one of the nicest things anyone has said to me. Thank you.

I am slowing and painfully learning that turning myself outward to others is a great help. But it is also very scary because many times I feel like I hurt people's feelings, and I still care about what people THINK about me, deep inside. Being as open and honest is a hard thing for anyone to do.

I feel like I can be myself here, which is nice. The environment I live in day-to-day does not allow me to express my feelings and ideas. There is so much worry about being politically correct and towing the line. What most people view as weakness is not accepted in my world, or most for that matter.

Again thanks for the words and when I get a break and the courage, I will shoot you off an email.

Have a great day everyone!

Re: "Toxicmind"
Posted by Linda on Mon Aug 20 19:51:57 2001 (#9760)

Can't wait to get it!!! You'll feel comfortable enough one of these days! I feel sure of it.

whats stoping ya
Posted by linzee on Sun Aug 19 21:09:25 2001 (#9735)

i was at the doctors office the other i day i go every 2 weeks cuz im on med and he thinks i shoudl be on anti-D's but i dont want to go on them...he askes me"do have suciadle thought" i said yes she says alot? i yes then he paueses.. and goes...whats stoping u? ..............what it stopping me..do i really want to die? i fso wouldnt i have already killed my self?

Re: whats stoping ya ...{I have a guess}
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sun Aug 19 23:21:16 2001 (#9737)

My guess is that being DEAD is not what you REALLY AND TRULEY want. I had to come to that conclusion myself.

What I discovered for myself, and BY MYSELF was that I wanted things in my life to change, but couldn't FOR THE LIFE OF ME, change them, by myself.

Once my memories started coming back I had started writing down the bits and pieces, I did a time line of events in my life like; moves my parents made, schools I went to, I even went through a long drawn out process of getting my father's miliatary record which meant I had to track down his late wife and getting her to sign some papers. Finally that chore was done and I began reading them and writing information down that I didn't know about my father, and discovering things about him I didn't want to know,

But, you know what, I have since that time discovered that anti-Ds do have a place in my life that is good. They keep my mood swings down and keep me on mostly an even keel.

But, back then, when I was doing everything I could to make so sence out of all the memories and feelings that was playing havoc with my mind and emotions I thought the only way out was to die.

I thought about it, researched ways of pulling it off without too much pain, and without causing someone else who might find my body too much trauma, and I planned it out so that when the day or moment came when I DECIDED THIS IS IT, I CAN'T LIVE A MOMENT MORE taking those final steps to ending my life would be easy.

But in the whole process I figured out it wasn't death I wanted. I wanted a life free of pain and hassels.

And I am so glad I figured it out in time. It wasn't until one of my daughter's called me, telling me she was thinking of killing herself, that an unknown strength swelled up inside me and rushed to my daughter's aid, that the tide turned.

Now my daughter is at a better place in her life, my granddaughter was much easier to visit with, and in fact I miss her being around.

We want our lives to change---in our time schedules. But change is a process and I do not think cutting it short by committing suicide is what we really want.

Quick, someone print this out and send it to me when my mood and mind swings south again. Because I can have crappy moments, days, weeks and months, when I forget the sage old saying that "This too shall pass"

I love you....and I am someone who knows what can bring a person to suicidal thoughts, and how sometimes cutting is a means of self preservation...even though it is self harming. But the way I see it is THAT IF IT KEEPS US ALIVE ONE MORE MOMENT, ONE MORE DAY, MAYBE TOMORROW WILL HOLD THE BREAKTHOUGH WE NEED TO SEE LIFE TO IT OWN END, ON ITS OWN TIME AND NOT CUT IT SHORT TOO SOON

Love and hugs Dawn

Re: whats stoping ya
Posted by ChrisE on Mon Aug 20 13:23:20 2001 (#9752)

Honey, you have to keep trying. Here's my take on the whole suicide issue, for what it's worth. I've had many suicidal thoughts. I've often thought that life is too hard to continue. but I have never actually been suicidal. I think there's a whole world between thinking about it, even wanting it, and truly being on the brink. you have to do everything you possibly can to continue. there isn't anything else. Believe that, at some time in the future, your life will get easier. sorry if that sounds preachy.

Death...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Sun Aug 19 22:00:01 2001 (#9736)

Death is calm... complacent solace in the torrent known less than subtly as life... We all have reasons to die... I die every day at least twice... the thin shards of glass that make up my heart are broken further and cast aside the ironic part being that these shards of glass are not sharp and thus are quite useless... I do not fear death... it fears me... in my 8 attempts I have come so close but am always brought back... I suppose it is fate that hates me...

When grace let me fall

The pain - far too great

Reminiscing scalds the mind

Molten fire drips to the fallow heart

Now I walk to no where

Staggering blind to my own desires

Forever is a long time

Perhaps more than can be stood

I trip and fall flat my body shattering

Finally I feel reprieve

I’d crashed into my rusted wings...

Am I lost or do I simply not know where I am...

- Kitty

Hinds' Feet On High Places
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Mon Aug 20 00:30:08 2001 (#9740)

Kitty, I had my granddaughter visiting for a couple of weeks and wasn't on the board much. It seems that while I was away many new ppl came on the board. This is weird, But as I was reading your wonderfully written poem, which captured your mind-set well I was thinking of a book I have that a pastor loaned me years ago, and after returning the book to him I purchaced my own copy. It is called "Hines Feet On High Places", by Hannah Hanard. It has a sequel called, "Mountain of Spices"

I just checked and the part of the story that stands out to me regarding you and your poem is near the end of "Hines Feet.."

The book is an alagory of life and the struggles of living in place called the Valley Of Humiliation, and the journey to a place of peace.

It is a wonderful book and I've read it at least once a year ever since my pastor loaned me his copy. It was written a long time ago, but is a classic. You may find it in the library, or can purchase a copy at your nearest Christian book store.

In case you do read the book, let me share a little bit about it with you (and who ever else reads this)

This girl, named Much Afraid lives in the Valley of Hummiliation, and struggles to find peace. A Shepherd and she meet and he tells her that in the high places she can find peace. But because her character is afraid she cannot make it on her own he says he will journey with her. But she must be ready to go a moment's notice.

(Long story short) along the way he gives her two companions, who are called Sorrow and Suffering, they are veiled and do not speak the same language as Much Afraid, but she finds that as long as she holds their hands she is able to make the journey a little better.

finally they come to a grave near the top of the mountain and Much Afraid is asked to give up the thing she wanted most in life and that was to be loved. She wanted to please the Shepherd, so she tells this priest that he would have to take it from her for she could not do it herself.

In being willing, and surrendering what she held onto with all her might, she found much more love than she could ever conceieve of having. And it caused her to want to go back to the valley and share it with all the inhabitants.

Of course there is much more to the book than I shared. I hope that you will get it and read it. And be patient. It is an alagory, which means it is a story, telling another story. They tend not to be an easy read, but if you read it, one page, one paragraph, one sentence at a time you will come to the end and may even want to start at the beginning again.

I have actually talked myself into reading it agan myself.

If you, or anyone else reads it. email me or post it and tell me what you think.

love and hugs Dawn....overcoming-1

dawn - hinds feet on high places
Posted by jen on Mon Aug 20 00:35:40 2001 (#9741)

ya i had to read that book for english last year i liked it alot, at first i didnt and was a little confused but i ended up liking it luv jen

Re: dawn - hinds feet on high places
Posted by Sharon on Mon Aug 20 02:02:34 2001 (#9745)

Dawn,

I love that book, every time I read it I get something new out of it, and it reflects so much on our lives. I love the allegories in it and I'm waiting for the day that sorrow and suffering are changed!

hugs,

Sharon

I'm still alive
Posted by erica on Mon Aug 20 03:07:26 2001 (#9746)

Hi All! Last time I posted I wrote that I was not sure I would make it through the night. I was feeling very suicidal. Well the following day I told my friend(I don't remember this but she has told me I said it) that I was going to take pills. I then said good bye and hung up the phone. Well just as I went to the cabinet to take out my pills, two paramedics came to my door. I was then taken to the hospital. Anyways without a lot of detail I am now certified. Stuck there for 30 days. I'm on a pass with my mum today, and that is how I am writing you all. I better go, I just wanted you all to know I'm o.k. I go back to the hospital tomarrow.

Erica

Re: I'm still alive
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 21 01:22:08 2001 (#9770)

Erica, I'm so glad you're okay. Please let me know how you are doing when you get the chance. If it was your friend that called for help, you are very lucky to have them as a friend. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm still alive
Posted by Tara on Wed Aug 22 00:45:13 2001 (#9806)

hi,

first i am going to say that ending your life does not solve anything.your problems are still there and not taken care of.plus you leave your family behind.when i told my mom that i was going to kill myself she freaked out.after i got out of the treatment center they sent me to my mom told me that if i would have killed myself she would have thought more as her fault than mine.i am not bitching you out or anything.i have been were you are and most of us here have.now i think as killing yourself as a way of getting out and not haveing to deal with your problems.i know that sounds harsh.but we have to beat this.we can't let it get the best of us.i know its hard as hell and that it is easier said than done.i have been at it for 4 years now.i do think why don't i just end it all then i don't have to fight and be in pain anymore.but that is giving up on yourself.you can't do that.have faith and hope.you will make it.i gotta jet for now.probaly be back on later.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

i want
Posted by linzee on Mon Aug 20 05:03:14 2001 (#9748)

i want it worse so i die

Apologies...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Mon Aug 20 05:18:25 2001 (#9749)

I wish to apologize to those who post here... I tend to keep to myself... I am not shallow I would truly wish to help I simply do not know how... If anyone would care to indulge in conversation or simply listen to aimless ramblings on subjects that appear quite paradoxial in nature... e-mail me or AIM - Aktal13 My ICQ # is 81980682

Once again I apologize thank you for your time...

Smiling on another kind of madness Through the looking glass shines malice Tainted glasses cloud the mind Throwing truth from focus Steel knives free blue blood Rushing to suspend There is no safety in the meadow Unless one can out run the beast Falling and failing are simply the same Although one can always turn around Look for another subject Prick them with the hypodermic needle And inflict the patient with the blame

- Kitty

Re: Apologies...
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 20 17:15:33 2001 (#9755)

I look forward to your posts kitty. You have an awesome writing talent that many of us aspire to. Keep it up!

And, even if you don't realize it, sharing your feelings is a help to others. Concentrate on helping yourself, and the rest comes naturally.

I would feel a little weird sending you an email or ICQ, only because I am an older male and you are younger. Not that we don't have anything in common, but I just don't think it is appropriate...even though I am the most harmless (harmless to others...myself..another story) guy you will ever meet. But, many people would look at my befriending you as a perverted guy looking to take advantage, even though that would be farther from the truth. But, even I have to admit that the source of a lot of pain in this world and this board is due to abuse by males or older people in general. I have to be sensitive to that.

Feel free to post anything to me on this board. I have nothing to hide. You may say anything you wish. I am very, very hard to offend. And hopefully, every once in a while, I may say something that helps you and vice-versa.

Keep your head up!

Re: Apologies...
Posted by linzee on Mon Aug 20 18:08:07 2001 (#9756)

i added u to my msn list!..idont know if u use it but yeah. *hugs*

help me
Posted by *me* on Mon Aug 20 07:53:32 2001 (#9750)

I am in a state of blahness. I feel nothing but the pain and the hurt and the worthlessness and the guilt and horrible things that we feel, and it is making me feel dazed and alone.

And the thought crossed my mind to "attempt suicide" (aka, really just taking enuf pills to get me into a hospital where they could get me help), but I have no guts to do that. What if it worked? What if I did too much damage to myself? And I don't want to miss the beginning of school (I am obsessed with my grades. I am obsessed with perfection. My friends don't mean to, but they make it so much worse. They expect me to be the neat, tidy, perfect one. They expect me to get all of the A's, to do everything right, to never make mistakes. At birthday parties they guess which present is mine by choosing the "neatest wrapped one.") I AM SICK OF IT. I WANT TO BLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ALL OVER SOMETHING AND HAVE THEM SEE ME BLEED MY PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I can't. I can't do anything but live inside my own little world where no one knows me but me. I want to cut and I want to bruise and i want to scratch and I can't because it's frickin summer and the stupid short sleeves and I want to bleed I want to see the blood and I want to make the pain stop and I need to oh God, and I want a blade, not one of those stupid razors to shave with, I want a blade and I don't have one I need one I want to bleed I want the cold dark red blood to run down my skin I want to see it to know I am alive and to see the pain flow away. Make it better make this stop make it stop make me better make me normal make it all go away

Re: help me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 21 02:22:39 2001 (#9776)

Honey, email me if you feel like it. I'll be here for a little while. Love ya, Rhonda

What is wrong? I feel good...
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 20 16:01:19 2001 (#9753)

Ever since I volunteered last week, I can actually say I have felt a few moments of clarity. I still feel the horrible anxiety, like bands around my chest, and have moments I slip into of dark, dark depression, but I have also felt moments of, dare I say, calm.

Part of it is the fact that I have found an outlet, some place where I can identify with people (vague...I mean this board). Part of it is that I am no longer numbed by prescription meds. The side effects from years of being addicted to them have taken a toll. I am ashamed to say (which I guess I shouldn’t be, it’s not my fault) that I can no longer even perform sexually. For a guy, any guy, being brought up, as men are, being sexually deficient is almost the worst thing that can happen. Men, driven by testosterone and ego, base their self worth on how well they can “rock the boat”. I am no exception.

It’s been a month and I am still feeling withdrawals and effects. But, I can also feel my head clearing. It is very scary because I have been medicated for most of my life. It started out with alcohol and drugs when I was younger and progressed to the legal drugs of adulthood. The point is that I don’t think I have ever taken an honest and intelligent look at the root of my problems. There has to be more to it than a chemical imbalance.

I am not going to try and lie to myself though. There could be a time in the near future where I have to take the pills again. It is a fact of my life. But, it should be interesting to see what comes out of therapy when I am able to form a complete thought without breaking down in tears of frustration.

Oh, by the way, I have not cut or burned since Tuesday of last week, which is a definite sign that I feel a little better. I cut when things are uncontrollable, to get back the control and quiet my head. Each of my scars is a victory from the past. I can link each one to a time when I hurt myself instead of others, when I made the blade just cut the surface, when I really wanted to cut all the way thru my arm.

I feel good today, and that’s as far as I am willing to plan. Day-by-day… Maybe this time will be different.

Jason

Re: What is wrong? I feel good...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 21 01:27:20 2001 (#9771)

Hey Jason, I'm Rhonda, Tara's mom. YAH! for not cutting or burning for almost a week. And you're right, you just have to go day by day. Keep looking up cause you deserve to be happy. Take care. Love, Rhonda

mad/sorry
Posted by linzee on Mon Aug 20 16:19:52 2001 (#9754)

i cut last nite and realluy deep tp only about 4 cuts but still...and i was looking at the blood and i was really mad for some reasoon i was sooooooo mad at my blood, it wasnt dripiing the rite way or running down my arm the rite way i was soooooo mad it, this has never happened before and yeah i thhink its really werid.

ps: sorry about the post before i was having a bad day/nite

Re: mad/sorry
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 20 21:06:23 2001 (#9762)

There have been many times I felt ashamed right after I cut, and there have been a few times I was angry that it did not stop the pain.

Who knows what emotions injuring ourselves will conjure? I know we hope that it will soothe, but we are damaging ourselves, and who knows how our delicate psyke will react.

I am glad you are feeling good enough today to post. It is a great start.

Jason

"It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." SALLY KEMPTON

Re: mad/sorry
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 21 01:30:08 2001 (#9772)

Linzee, As you know, I can't comment about cutting, but I can ask that you keep your cuts clean. I do care about you. Sorry I can't answer your question. Just wanted you to know I hope you get to feeling better. Love, Rhonda

I've had the same reaction
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Tue Aug 21 05:33:22 2001 (#9780)

I try to be so strong, and not let what others write entice me to cut, but your post has but not exactly. The second to the last time I cut I used my left hand to cut my right arm and the blood would not run. It clotted so fast, and I was mad because I take an asprin a day to thin my blood so that I don't follow in my ancestors foot steps and have a stroke. And I couldn't cut a straight line, a clean line. It was crap and I was mad that after 13 years I couldn't get it right.

I guess the message is ....hell I don't know what the message is. For me it would be, better luck next time...For you I would say try something else....I guess that's hypocritical

That is what is so odd to me. When I read other's posts I want to have the right words to comfort them and help the discover other means to get past their bad feelings. I want their lives to be better, so that they don't want to see themselves dripping and splattering on the sink or the floor. But if I cant find it for me how can I help you or any of the others.

Rhonda says it well, keep it clean, and stay safe. Email me. I'm here for you Love and Hugs Dawn...overcoming-1

baby
Posted by linzee on Mon Aug 20 18:08:59 2001 (#9757)

i dont know how old all of u are....but i feel like the baby of the group.

Re: baby
Posted by Amanda on Mon Aug 20 20:49:41 2001 (#9761)

im 15 on 9th september

Re: baby
Posted by *me* on Mon Aug 20 23:05:03 2001 (#9766)

I'm 16. How old are you Linzee? Don't feel like "the baby." You are united with us no matter how old, what differences, they don't matter. We are all bonded together.

Re: baby
Posted by Sharon on Tue Aug 21 00:06:15 2001 (#9768)

Lol, I think I'm the youngest one here, 14, birthday's in Feb. Anyway, it thankfully doesn't matter to y'all!

hugs,

Sharon

Re: baby
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 21 00:27:59 2001 (#9769)

well im 15 im not the youngest but i feel like it, just the things i say sometimes and stuff... i feel like im the baby

Re: baby
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 21 01:32:43 2001 (#9773)

I know I'm not the baby! I just turned 41(gasp) in June. Tara turned 18 in July. I'm the old fogy here! (HA!HA!) Love, Rhonda

I think I'm the oldest here Rhonda
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Tue Aug 21 05:47:07 2001 (#9781)

It is sad that there are so many young ones, my oldest granddaughter is 10. I guess the truth is I was in a lot of pain and unhappiess just like Amanda, and me, and Sharon....it just didn't occure to me to cut. I guess that is something to be thankful for.

Re: baby
Posted by Linda on Tue Aug 21 15:43:46 2001 (#9788)

Gotcha beat, Rhonda.......I'm 55...will be 56 in December....but then you and I don't count since we aren't really SIers.....ya think! : )

Re: baby
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 21 16:30:32 2001 (#9790)

<-----33, 34 in October

Rhonda, Linda....you really do count. The fact that you come here, just to help, is compassion at it's finest. You help all of us because you DON'T cut. You have something inside that we are all looking for; a way to deal with pain that doesn't involve causing more.

It may restore my faith in human nature one day....

Re: baby
Posted by Someone on Tue Aug 21 18:01:54 2001 (#9799)

I'm 22, 23 in December. I hope thats ok. greetings Vicky.

Re: baby
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Wed Aug 22 01:35:59 2001 (#9808)

i'm 19 and i'm in the middle

Re: baby
Posted by jen on Wed Aug 22 04:04:53 2001 (#9813)

i am 17

Re: baby
Posted by *poi§on on Wed Aug 22 06:03:42 2001 (#9819)

i am 15, 16 on April 18th!

Are you a reader?
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 20 21:13:29 2001 (#9763)

I found a great book online about depression and the best thing is: IT'S FREE!

The name is "How to Heal Depression" by Peter McWilliams and Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D.

You can find it along with some other free books here: http://www.mcwilliams.com/book s/books/

I sometimes find that reading helps, even if I don't agree with what I am reading. I think it has something to do with keeping my mind off of things.

enjoy!

emmmm
Posted by linzee on Mon Aug 20 22:05:51 2001 (#9764)

guys its been along time since emmm has posted... i think shes in the hospital...or *sigh * not here anymore...i know what i mean.. she was talking about it alot before she stoped posting

Re: emmmm
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 21 01:35:04 2001 (#9774)

If anyone has heard anything about emmm, please let us know. I'm sooooo worried! Love, Rhonda

Re: emmmm...I cry for you everyday
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Tue Aug 21 05:57:46 2001 (#9783)

Sometimes I wonder if she is back and is using another name. If I knew she was in a hospital somewhere there in United Kingdom it would ease my mind. But my heart fears the worst. I tried to find her when she posted last and got no where.

hey!! its been a while huh?
Posted by Heather on Mon Aug 20 23:28:16 2001 (#9767)

Hey!! I have been gone for some time now..well Hey to those that know me..there are so many new poeples!! but thats a good thing that meens more poeple are ready to talk about it! well i have still been cutting but not too bad..gotta go later's!!

luv ya's..Heather

Hmm...
Posted by Strider on Tue Aug 21 04:06:29 2001 (#9777)

Well, actually it is me. Proof? Well, I was around during that whole Laura rose thing, and when Nicke took the pills, and what happened to Dave? Basic training is ALOT different here in Canada, especially officer training (which is what I am currently in). It's more of a leadership course, learning how to command troops and what not. As for responding to people, well, I do have internet access, but it is EXTREMELY limited. I am done basic officer training soon (about 3 weeks left), and after that I'll get a computer and I'll be back to contacting people. And again, yes this actually is me. I wish there was a better way to prove it, but, oh well. Believe me or not. Remember the "snew" Suzie? And Zach, how's the UT going? Still play it at school?

love and prayers Colin

Re: Hmm...
Posted by elle on Tue Aug 21 17:04:34 2001 (#9793)

strider...something happened to suzie. she took tons of different pills. i dont think shes ok. she has been online for days but is not responding to anyone. pray for her. and write her if you can please please. shes not ok. alana and i are really worried....and yes, they are friends now. imagine that

Re: Hmm...
Posted by dave/necrosis on Tue Aug 21 21:04:07 2001 (#9804)

dave/necrosis here. I post the odd drunken ramble, but I rarely respond to posts - although I read most of them. I'd disagree too much with others advice & this place wouldn't function so well if we kept having huge rows.

Illness has been a pig lately but the self harm is far less. In general, I'm pissed off with everything except my guitar & cat.

Also, the board is dripping with the blood of that nice man that tickled some fish & buns & could give rabies to the blind. I think it wise to remain in the shadows & just talk weird for a bit when I feel really low. The board's great for that - getting crap out of your system.

tried ringing you once but got an answermachine with a lasses voice on it. Left message I think.

Anyway, good to know things are going well. My girlfriend did ask just today how come a religious nutter like yourself was in training to order people about to kill others. The 'thou shalt not kill' thingy. I'm quite sure you explained ages ago why, but couldn't remember how you rationalised it. Possibly you just try to placate particularly unruly moose, but I doubt it.

take care xxxx

Re: Hmm...
Posted by sara on Tue Aug 21 21:50:38 2001 (#9805)

hi..i remember you...i remember you when you first came! well, i hope that you are having fun (ok, as much fun as you can have a boot camp)...anyway, if you have a chance, i've got a question for you...you can email me at saramf14@aol.com or fluteme@myownemail.com

thanks, sara

i am
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 21 04:09:37 2001 (#9778)

i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless i am worthless ...thats what i am.

Re: i am
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 21 06:19:29 2001 (#9784)

Sweetie, you're not worthless....but here I am being a really big hypocrite bc I feel like a worthless piece of crap at this very moment. SoOoOoOoOo....dunno how to help ya.

Re: i am
Posted by jue on Tue Aug 21 20:57:51 2001 (#9803)

you're not worthless. no. what else can i say? be careful. F*CK!!!!! no you are not worthless. don't think that, damn it. YOU ARE NOT. be careful. take care, just be very very careful.

strength for the thoughts in our heads.

love julie

Re: i am
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 22 02:00:49 2001 (#9810)

No you're not! No you're not! No you're not! No you're not! No you're not! No you're not! Please believe that Linzee!!!!!!!! Love, Rhonda

YOU ARE SO NOT WORTHLESS
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 22 04:00:03 2001 (#9812)

You were fearfully and wonderfully made. And yet your life might feel shitty, but you are not shitty.

Oh Linzee I wish You could comprehend the the love inside you, or the love Rhonda and the rest of us have for you. But the old devil he don't want you to know it so he confuses your mind. Tell him to get away from you and leave you alone...

I felt worthless myself many times, but I remember God himself telling me, "I died to make you worthy"

If God could make me worthy he can make you worthy love and hugs Dawn....overcoming-1

Toxicmind...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Tue Aug 21 05:29:29 2001 (#9779)

Well... I view that as bloody useless... even though I am only fifteen, does not mean it is perverted to converse with me... I am quite confident I could resist the pedophilic urges of those who would try it... I would really appreciate your sending me an e-mail or message if you would... if anyone has anything to say about it... it is my wrath they must evade... then again if it is your own disliking feel free not to... I simply think we could both benefit...

- Kitty

Re: Toxicmind...
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 21 16:06:39 2001 (#9789)

"I am quite confident I could resist the pedophilic urges of those who would try it."

What a great line...I love that. You seem like a very strong person with a mind of her own.

You've got a deal.......

Re: Toxicmind...
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 21 16:37:47 2001 (#9791)

Oh and by the way...you are right...it was bloody useless.

Although I am hyper-sensitive to abuse, I may have been using it as an EXCUSE to not get close to someone. I harbor a lot of fear.

Thanks for smacking me in line....

;)

Keep your head up...

Spiders are my pain...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Tue Aug 21 05:51:23 2001 (#9782)

The soul crashes back from the oblivion that had once wrest it from the dead fingers that so tightly held it... I can feel the spiders in my veins... running nimbly through my blood... injecting thier poison as they see fit searching for mates... and reproducing, females decapitating males after a violent fuck to produce a femenist society... I draw the rusted blade and cold steel slides deep into my flesh... out come spiders...

Odd isn't it...

- Kitty

Re: Spiders are my pain...
Posted by elle on Tue Aug 21 17:10:24 2001 (#9794)

i was crazy once. they put me in a room. it was cold. i died. they buried me. there were spiders. they tickled. they drove me crazy. i was crazy once. they put me in a room. it was cold. i died. they buried me. there were spiders. they tickled. they drove me crazy. i was crazy once. they put me in a room. it was cold. i died. they buried me. there were spiders. they tickled. they drove me crazy. i was crazy once. they put me in a room. it was cold. i died. they buried me. there were spiders. they tickled. they drove me crazy. i was crazy once....

Getting it out. PLEZ READ (long)
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Tue Aug 21 08:47:37 2001 (#9785)

I was just channel surfing, which my b/f hates, but he was not here just then. The program was about a woman in prison for killing a man. She was crying from remorse. It was just a movie. My life has been real, things I've done, things done to me, feelings, memories swirling round and round.

I've told shrinks for years pills don't turn back time, they don't right the wrongs I've done, or erase the ones done to me, But neither does cutting.

Cutting is just a distractor, something to stop the flow of memories, something to inflict punishment upone the innocent victim. Can anyone understand the anger I feel toward myself for being so stupid--no naive--gullible, so willing to give up than to fight fights I know I could never win, but I should have at least fought, or verbalized the words "NO! instead of just trying to stop unwanted hands touching me in unwanted places.

I am not the guilty one! I know that, but someone should be punished and no one is here but me, my body. It was touched and made defiled, it was tagged with semen as dogs mark their territory. Why shouldn't I make it so ugly no one will find it ......

No, I was never that attractive. I just had big boobs....cursed from 3rd or 4th grade.

Yet guys wanted me to stip, or they'd stip me and made me their play toy for the night.

Oh God, come to me Now. I need you now. Its all cmeing back. Why do I have to live it again and again. Wasn't once enough?

Life would be ok for me now. No one is toughing me. I feel safe. But I know they are out there....men who prey on women and young girls.

Thank you God. I feel calmer now. I know that the blood of your Son cleanses me from every sin, and washes even the semen away, but in my mind its still there. And when the memories start flooding back so does the feelings, the sights and sounds.

I read post after post of the poor souls on this board who think of cutting night and day and giving in. Sometimes I think it is easier for them to focus on cutting--the blood, the release.... so that they don't have to remember, to look at, to relive traumatic experiences, or the feelings of violation. It is easier to be angry, even justified anger, than it is to look at the sourse behind it.

I know that it nearly caused me to kill myself looking at my life through a microscope in my head.

Someone asked me today how do I deal with the flashback and memories without cutting. I told them writing. I've gone through reems of paper, end rolls of unused newsprint, I've written what I felt and how I wanted to cut right on my arms rather than cut. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. And sometimes I prayed. Like tonight.

Tomorrow I'll have a lot to work on with my therapist, maybe do some EMDR to unstick the memory of semen on my chest. That seems to bother me a lot lately. I think about taking knives and slicing my chest up---BAD CHEST.

But if it wasn't my chest it would be something else. When I was 3 or 4 months old I didn't have a chest. predators prey, They don't have to be enticed. Its all about power, NOT SEX.

I've learned that, but I still feel/think I've had some kind of sign on my forehead or something that said I'm easy prey.

But that's not true anymore. Now I'd make Elana Bobbit look like a tamed pussycat.

Well, Well, well.....where did that all come from? I guess I won't be cutting tonight. Its good to have this board. I won't apologize for its length...not that I ever do. I believe that what we say we need to say, and we need not feel ashamed for getting it out.

Re: Getting it out. PLEZ READ (long)
Posted by *star* on Tue Aug 21 10:14:53 2001 (#9786)

Wow, i think it was best for you to get it out anf it must be so difficult that i cant even comtemplate how hard it would be all i wanted to say was if you need to talk or someone to listen im here Take care and God bless you (*) xxx

Re: Getting it out. PLEZ READ (long)
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 21 16:54:30 2001 (#9792)

Dawn, So much pain...I can feel it. It makes me sad. So much rightful anger towards men. It makes me sick to hear what men do to women and children every day. It makes me violent, which I think is no secret. It is also not very good for me to hold in all this anger. I just want to come over there and make it all right. I want to beat the hell out of the people who did this to you and others like you.

But that would be dumb. If I tried to make right everything men (or women?) have done, I would be kicking ass for eternity.

I hope you realize that ALL men are not predators and deviants. You have a boyfriend, which is a good sign. I hope he treats you right.

I also like the fact that you don't consider yourself a victim. If anyone tried anything, I have no doubt you would take care of it. I love that.

And though I am NOT at all religious, I found something that may give you comfort:

When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. - PSALMS 94:18-19

I too can quote a scripture. And us heathens can say all we want about the bible and religion, but it does not alter the fact that it is a book of hope and a great read. Now that I am older and not forced every day to memorize the bible, I find I like to read it at times.

And, as a final word, I say in the words of a great man:

“keep hope alive”

Re: Getting it out. PLEZ READ (long)
Posted by jue on Tue Aug 21 20:51:23 2001 (#9802)

Dawn. i can feel that truth and that anger through those words. that disgusting feeling when a man looks at me the wrong way and makes me want to shower a million times. where i will scrub and scrub my skin trying to make myself clean. it isn't your fault, you know that but i know that there is always this doubt within me that screams at me that it is still my fault. when i see that glance from a creepy man that covers me in wave after wave of guilt. thanks for your e-mails and i hope you are all right. everything of the past can be washed away but i am still left with the memories.

love julie

school
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 21 17:24:29 2001 (#9795)

i just cut last nite and for the first time i wrote a word"loser" and my mom sees my cutz most of teh time but i dont want her to see this one... thats why i cant wait for school! im not home most of the day and plus its getting colder!...but my mom thinks im not ready to go back to school!

Re: school
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 21 17:36:18 2001 (#9796)

The last time I cut a word in my arm it was "loser", and I felt the same way. I didn't want anyone to see it. You see, I felt like a loser at the time, but when my head cleared, I was very ashamed of it.

I hurt myself worse trying to cover it up. Almost needed stitches, would not stop bleeding. Now, I am just trying to cover it with a BIG band-aid until it fades. I hope it does.

No matter what your mind tells you, you are not a loser.

What do you think your mom would say if you showed her?

Re: school
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 21 17:41:07 2001 (#9797)

well i dont show her, but "were open with my cutting" cuz i go to therpy everyweek and stuff, bu ti mean i wear short sleeves aroudn her some times even when i have fresh cuts, so yeah i dont know what she sould say, hopefully nothing, ucz this is the first time that i cut a word, but before she would say,"i see u have some new cats scratches" or something like that. i dunno shes going away to until thursay, so im clear for that and my dad works all day, but when she comes back i could put a bandaid on it!

Re: school
Posted by divingmermaid on Tue Aug 21 17:59:41 2001 (#9798)

The first time I cut a word into my skin (fat) it felt like I went a step up somehow from just cutting. Someone told me it is more addictive than just cutting lines. I wonder. True, you can not blame your cat for it. Covering it up seems a good idea. Some parents just do not understand but only worry. I hope it heals up real quick. My word is not visible anymore now, depends how deep you cut. Wish you strengh Christina

Re: school
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Wed Aug 22 01:41:55 2001 (#9809)

the only word i ever cut into myself was loner i then realised that i would never be able to cover it (i have to wear t-shirts i'm too fat to wear jumpers i weigh 26 stone) anyway i decided to cover it by cutting all over it which in hindsight wasn't the best thing to do. eventually i had to tel my mum and eventually my whole family found out. i hide it better now but it felt better to tell

andy

checking in
Posted by jue on Tue Aug 21 20:40:25 2001 (#9800)

i don't know how many of you remember me. i haven't been here in a while. i hope all of you are doing well. i am feeling really good lately and i think i may be actually in control of my self. i was at the psychiatrist the other day and he still told me to up my medication and that i have OCD and still major trust issues. but i feel soo much better. there is hope. i can finally say for one of the first times in all of my 18 years that i am glad i was born. i still have a few doubts around that but i am struggling and i am overcoming.

i think of you all here often and i don't want any of you to give up hope. i think i am strong enough to come here now again. i miss this place when i am not here.

does anyone else get this certain feeling in the pit of their stomach when they are at this board??? maybe i'm just weird or i haven't eaten yet . but no i'm serious it is like this atmosphere here. okay please... i hope i'm not the only one feeling this.

please all take care of yourself. there is hope and things will go up. i'm off to counselling today. feel free to e-mail me. strength for the conflict. Take care of yourselves. this is long sry.

"if we lose our dreams, we lose our minds."

love julie

Re: checking in
Posted by Heather on Wed Aug 22 00:58:23 2001 (#9807)

Hey im kinda new hear..but i know what you meen...this place is so nice. you guys dont know me but you are still there for me!! well anyways i gotta go... luv ya's..Heather*

*A true angel has no wings..only its love* *we love hate...we hate love*

Re: checking in
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 22 03:26:06 2001 (#9811)

Hi sweetie. I'm glad you're doing ok. I miss ya 'round here, but am very happy that you are glad to have been born! :-) Write to me sometime if you want. Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

Re: checking in
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 22 04:22:05 2001 (#9814)

(((((Jue)))))) of course I remember you. I am so glad to hear that things are going well for you. As far as the feeling in the pit of your stomach goes.....well, I'm not sure if I know what you mean or not but I will tell you this, I consider it fun to check these messages and it is a almost an obsession with me. I feel like you all are my children.

Re: checking in
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 22 04:44:56 2001 (#9816)

Jue, I think you and I emailed each other shortly after I came here. It is good to know you are overcoming.

Stay strong. love and Hugs Dawn, overcoming-1

Malice where it belongs...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Wed Aug 22 05:22:58 2001 (#9817)

Anger rushes through my veins crashing mercilessly to the walls that confine my blood until as in berlin it all comes crashing down... the blood wants out and I wish to taste it... there is nothing I hate more than being told I am wrong... or normal or ignorant... the only ones who do this are those who believe in something much less than themselves... hate me as you will...

Feel my hatred terror’s reign Watch my steel blood falls again Walk the night follow sin Feel your heartbeat fast within Draw the steel sever your limbs Go ahead and sing your hymns Considering there is no “god “ Your christian ways brutally flawed Church doors open night floods in Go ahead and say I sin Stand erect and slash asunder Steel carves sounds out thunder Rain starts falling burn the cross This night for you a total loss Rid of faith and life and soul Hacked down by something hardly whole I’ll stalk your god and slay his kin It’s here you stop and I begin Spit on his carcass cut out his brain For all the mind fucked have been slain ...I LIVE AGAIN...

- Kitty

Toxic... coming to war with me?
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Wed Aug 22 05:41:18 2001 (#9818)

I posted that for you Toxic... you like that type of thread so much... a small present to connotate your response... I rest atop my horse... more my companion... sword drawn... blood dripping slowly from many wounds in my arms... I reach deep into my chest to shout... to shriek my battle cry unto the breaking world... I am one... and I march on the masses... I look about me... eyes afire and my sword flows through my chest...

Victory is mine... - Kitty

speechless
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 22 17:13:55 2001 (#9824)

I think for once in my life, I am speechless. I can't think of anything clever or funny to say (many of you would say I never have).

I am still reeling from a bad episode yesterday. I was listening to that new Staind Cd and all of these memories started flooding in my head unbidden. I felt ashamed for feeing weak and crying, and an incredible amount of anger came boiling out of me. I felt like I blacked out because I don't remember much of what happened next. I had punched the dashboard of my car so hard and so many times that pieces of it flew in the back seat. I think I stopped because I heard something pop in my hand. Luckily, it is not broken, just damaged. I had somehow pulled over to the side of the road during this time. I didn't know I was doing it, but my throat is also very raw from screaming. I felt a little better afterwards, but I didn't feel relieved, so I sliced the back of my upper arm...deep.

When I fall, I fall big. Wouldn't it have been funny if a cop went by when I was flipping out, destroying my car? I least I only hurt inanimate objects and myself. I don't take my anger out on my family. That gives me some peace.

The good thing...I feel spent...emotionless today. Clear of mind. No anger left at all. I guess it's not good to keep that stuff bottled up.

(I guess I wasn’t so speechless, was I?)

information please?
Posted by someone on Wed Aug 22 08:27:42 2001 (#9820)

I live in Canada and I can't seem to find any statistics about SI in Canada, I NEED to find some, someone please help me!

Re: information please?
Posted by Alana on Wed Aug 22 08:53:43 2001 (#9821)

where is Canada do you live? I'm in Toronto, and this being a big city, there isn't much here on SI, therefore, no statistics considering everyone ignores those who hurt themselves. I'm sure there are stats somewhere...its just a matter of finding them. Email me sometime.

~alana~

Re: information please?
Posted by someone on Wed Aug 22 10:32:24 2001 (#9822)

I am in Edmonton, I hate that I can't find any stats, it's annoying the heck out of me.

Re: information please?
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 22 14:35:10 2001 (#9823)

i live in canada to...........hmmm yeah i'll look, if u see anything let me know plz! thanx!

Re: information please?
Posted by *poi§on on Thu Aug 23 02:20:57 2001 (#9835)

Morbid Kitty and Strider are from Canada

I'm in a tough spot...plez help
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 22 17:46:30 2001 (#9825)

Morbid Kitty is too morbid for me so I thought I'd try another board... one I could work on my issues with rape and other sexual assaults.....but instead of being strong now I'm a hurting mess.

Someone asked about what she should do when she sees her brother-in-law who raped her. I could relate to the rape by a brother-in-law, and throw in a husband who raped me for 16 years and I fume with anger. I want someone to beat the crap out of them. I really want my children to disown them, but they are family and what happened to me doesn't matter...I don't get it....yes I do. One is their dad and the other their uncle, whom I fear the most.

Seven years into my marriage to my children's father he was driving drunk with a friend and the friend's dog and he rolled the car. The dog died, the friend refused treatment because he was holding drugs and feared being arrested and my children's father had bot legs amputated. It was Hell

His mother, brother, and sister in law came up from where they lived. His brother drove our truck and trailer back down while my children's father and I rode in an air ambulance. For two weeks I stayed at his brother's house because it was a couple blocks from the hospital he was changed to.

I was just getting out of the tub when the lock was being disengaged from the outside. Oh shit, I'm there......

Re: I'm in a tough spot...plez help
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 22 18:09:26 2001 (#9826)

Dawn,

I think we all would miss you if you left for good. But, it might also be good to also deal with some of your sexual assault issues. I think exploring that thoroughly will bring up a lot of extreme pain for you, as it has already, but I don't think it's good to keep it bottled.

I’m sorry if this doesn't help, I am trying to understand without a frame of reference. I cannot say I know how you feel, because I never will.

I won't offer pity, because I think it is damaging, but I will say that when you are here, you are among friends who can at least understand your pain and TRY to help.

ALSO: If someone says something that upsets you, please don't read his or her posts. I do it all the time. If I see something that upsets me, I don't look at it.

It is same way I feel about censorship. If you think something will offend, don't look at it, or read it. Don't censor it.

Sure, I can see how some people could find Kitty upsetting, but that is how she expresses herself. You express yourself by talking about your faith sometimes; she likes to exorcise her demons thru writing. Some people get upset when the subject is religion

Keep your head up and take it day-by-day...

Re: I'm in a tough spot...plez help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 23 01:45:43 2001 (#9834)

Dawn, Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're having a bad time. Know that I'm with you in spirit and I'll say a prayer for you. By the way, I sent you a new postcard this morning in the mail. Hang in there girl, you can make it through this. Write me if you need to. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: I'm in a tough spot...plez help
Posted by *poi§on on Thu Aug 23 02:27:04 2001 (#9836)

....i'm sorry dawn that you are having a hard time...but to blame it on someone else, when you have the power to not read his or her posts, that is cruel. how well do you even know Morbid Kitty? To be completly honest, he is rather sweet, kind, and understanding. We're all in the same boat, none of us worse than the others. maybe you should try talking to him? i hope you are able to hang in there!

-Amanda-

My tough spot had nothing to do with Mobid Kitty
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Thu Aug 23 09:34:25 2001 (#9842)

The tough spot I was wrote about had little to do with morbid kitty. It had everything to do with me having flashbacks, brought on from logging onto another board. I have emailed Morbid Kitty and apologized for making a statement that had been brought to my attention as sounding like censureship

Morbid Kitty captures his thoughts and feelings about the act of cutting very well, sometimes I am not in a good place emotionally to read it. Which is what happened this morning,

I cut, but need to tell the rest of the story
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 ...hurt at a time on Wed Aug 22 20:05:44 2001 (#9827)

When the lock was....released? and the door began to open..I cried out...something like I'm not dressed yet, but knew it was no accident...I had been saying things like; I'm in here....(Fear...I feel fear)...like so many times before, with over a hundred different people it was going to happen again, and with my brother-in-law, while his brother was just blocks away waiting to see if his knees were going to come of next...

And then the s.o.b. started telling me how it was his biblical "duty" to take care of his brother's wife when he couldn't. And I was pushing at him.

I was fighing back....all these years I thought I just always surrendered without a fight, BUT I DIDN'T !

Whew..........I fought back. I grabbed my clothes and ran out to my truck and he came out trying to come inside before his wife got home from work and started asking questions.

Oh, oh, oh, I got so caught up in the good part..that I fought back that I didn't tell you that after wrestling me to the ground he "COULDN'T"

I did go back in. I didn't know where else to go. And the next morning his wife was throwing dishes around, like she did every morning and I told her "Why don't you give_____a little, so he'll leave me alone. And she laughed... and said....what would he want you for.

I moved out. And things worked out that I got back the keys to our house we had rented out when my children's father wanted to move to Lake Tahoo. The house was a mess. But I grew up a lot. I was only 24, but I grew up a lot.

I cleaned it up, remodled parts of it and painted the whole house almost all by myself. I even hung paneling on one wall and did wanescoating on another, just from little tips from the hardware guy.

Because of the insurance money that came in I bought all new furniture (we had sold everything because "he" wanted to live in a travel trailer. But I made our house a "home" again.

My brother-in-law came by late in the night several times trying to get in my windows and trying to get me to let him in but I never did.

Years later my kids and I were staying at a different house with him and his wife and he asked if I thought about what happened. I said no. Then asked if he did. And he said yes. Said he wondered how our lives would have turned out if we had "made it".

I told his brother when he came down the next day and later he told me _____ said I must have misunderstood the situation all together.

I don't get it. Why have I let this get to me all these 25 years. When I won....

I don't have to see these people. I don't have to be around them. I'm Freeeeeeeee

But my daughter talks about her uncle and his new wife and says how close they are..... and I feel betrayed.... and that makes the heart ache and the tears flow. And no matter how I twist up my face to stop them. they keep flowing

But I'm still here, still fighting, still overcoming

Re: I cut, but need to tell the rest of the story
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 22 20:27:32 2001 (#9829)

I don't know what to tell you...but I'm here for you...and I care about you. And if you ever want to talk I'm just an email away. -Lots of love -

((((((MORBID KITTY))))) I'm sorry
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 22 20:27:06 2001 (#9828)

One day I tell you that you capture the whole ordeal wonderfully, then I remark that it is too morbid for me. Please forgive me...I do not mean to sound as though I'm censuring you. I thought of you as I was cutting and recognized that it isn't the same for me any longer.

Its more like sex. Just "do it and get it over and cover me up when you're done." Well anyway the way it was before I divorced my children's father.

There was a time though when I'd hold my scissors in my hand and fondle them and feel the kinds of feelings you voice in your messages.

It never was about the blood. It was about control, cutting, but with control over the blood, control over when, where, how, and how much.

I've mastered that all prety well. Now I want to get well. And it just hit me wrong.

e-mail me
Posted by overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 22 21:01:10 2001 (#9830)

Anyone who wants me to email them please email me so I have your address. I lost my address book.

And let me know if you get the cards I send you.

I can use all the encouragement I can

love and hugs Dawn..overcoming1

I love this song!
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 22 21:26:44 2001 (#9831)

It all starts with just one voice that takes a stand, and makes a choice; To live for God and not hesitate, to tell the world about amazing grace.

One day that seed somehow breaks through, where there was one there now stands two; And soon another takes His hand, a ray of hope that spreads across the land.

Across the mountains, across the sea, soon others join in harmony; They found the grave still empty and clean, and soon a mighty chorus begins to sing.

Go reach the world, touch one more soul, Bring one more lamb, back to the fold, Each soul another flag unfurled, Each voice another chance to reach the world.

Don’t let me pray, Lord, for wealth or fame, a spark that sets the world aflame; But help me reach the lost and alone, to tell of joy and hope where hope is gone.

This is a song written by Mark Bishop...don't know him but I have heard this song many times in the last few weeks by several different people and every time I hear it I think of this place.

* Linda and EVERYONE PLEZ READ
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Thu Aug 23 04:25:00 2001 (#9839)

I am afraid that when I wig out and begin telling my life stories on the board my Christian image suffers. That grieves me very much. I guess that is one of the reasons why even though I claim Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior I find it hard to attend Church. Too many times I've had flashbacks flood over me, physical ones where I feel someone on top of me, inside, and I hear the words they whisper in my ear not to make a sound, not to move a muscle, not to bring attendion to what is going on.....no though are not schitzo voices, they were really whispered in my ear in a crowded room, in a closet.....my heart is beating fast just typing the words.

They make me ashamed to have this stuff going on while I am singing praises to God. When I was...oh, about 14 or 15 a boy from the youth group asked me to step outside because he had something he wanted to talk about. I stood several feet away from him, but often without warning he reach across and grab my boob. I'd back away and continue talking. You know it never ocurred to me to leave....I didn't like it, didn't want it....oh gee, here comes the tears......its hard to breath......

I didn't want him touching me....I stood away.....but in the blink of an eye he would cross the distance and violate me....... he made me dirty....he made me all those things others callled girls who came to school with hickies where hickies were not meant to be. But they didn't say them about me because I never told anyone, I held the emotions in, I held the secrets in, I packed the shame away. But I cannot keep it inside me anymore...it makes me want to cut and never stop. I try to forgive. It seems easy to forgive faceless people, but I have a face, and when I remember that I didn't say a word to summons help, when I didn't run away, when I didn't move a muscle it was because I was too ashamed for others to know.

Now I'm here on this board where it seems easier to cut than to talk about "why" we cut, like cutting is THE PROBLEM....I don't believe cutting is the problem...I believe it is an easier path than to face the truth, to face the truth about our families and their affects on our lives, and to remember secrets.

Don't get me wrong the things I can talk about today happened over 30 years ago. I couldn't talk about them then. I could just run away and never have a reason. I believed my family, my life was normal. From the talk in the locker-room and on the streets my life was as normal as everyone else's

And just so you know. I'm ok now. I can breath, I can smile. and I can say Thank You God for keeping me alive. and Thank you for healing my mind even though it sometimes hurts a lot Love to all overcoming-1...Dawn

Dawn(Long & Preachy)
Posted by Linda on Thu Aug 23 17:31:16 2001 (#9848)

((((((((((((((Dawn)))))))))))) ) I am so sorry that you have had to go through the pain and suffering in your life. I wish there were something I could do to erase it all. When I read your posts of the different stories of your life, I, too, feel the shame and impurity of it all. I am hurt for you and crushed to think that human beings would be so vile. But such is the world without Christ! I have thought about this many times and wondered if I should write you personally or address this on the board for all to see and I think that I have decided it needs to be done publicly. You and I should, of all people, be united in a common cause because of both our very visible witnesses for Christ, but, I feel that your constant bringing up of the past and all your feelings and all the sordid things that happened negates the Christian witness. Why? Because it seems that you are saying that there is no hope in Christ. I have avoided this issue for a while but the other day you mentioned something in one post that explained it to me. I can not find which post it was but you mentioned something that made me realize that you do not believe in eternal security. Another words, you believe that you were saved by grace, through faith but that whether you stay saved or not depends on YOUR actions. No wonder you continue to have problems with your flashbacks and past feelings. You see, our theology differs greatly. I believe that the work of salvation was purely the work of Jesus Christ. I accepted it as a gift, but it is He that keeps me saved. That issue is not even a problem anymore. That gives me hope. If I were to have to worry that my sinful nature, which is still very much intact and will remain so until my glorification, could challenge my security, my life would be a mess. NO HOPE!!! But you see, I believe that according to God’s word we are not only saved by faith but we are sanctified by faith also. That means that just as Jesus died for our sins, we accepted His death as our own. It is by His death that we claim victory over sin. Oh yes, I have every ability to sin that I had before, but sin does not and can not have dominion over me because the power of sin was broken on the cross. Of course, I may allow sin. That is my choice but when I do my fellowship with the Father is broken. It seems to me that you fight a war with evil that constantly reminds you of your past and keeps you focused on hurts and evil thoughts, knowing full well that so long as you can be deceived into thinking that you have salvation but it depends on your action whether you keep it, you can be no threat to Satan’s plan. In fact, you confirm it in the eyes ot those who want to prove that this blessed gift of salvation is of no value. Here are some sweet scriptures that provide much hope: Romans 6:11-14 “Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.”

Dawn, I believe that every time you reconstruct another horrible story from your past on this board, you not only put yourself through this pain again but you put it into the minds of others who may be affected by it. I am not condemning you in a way that is meant to be harsh or unloving, but rather hoping that you can find some hope in this yourself. As far as I am concerned, if you have accepted Jesus as your Savior, ALL your sins have already been forgiven and there is no need to bring them back up. I hear you saying that you have no control over your thoughts but that is what I call spiritual warfare. I believe that you are being confronted with demonic forces that would try to control your thoughts but they know that if you resist them they CANNOT have dominion over you. They must flee if you resist! You may have to resist many times for the same thought but they must eventually yield to the power of the Holy Spirit within you if you are truly saved. Don’t you see that if they can keep you witnessing of all the hurt that you are STILL going through, even as you claim to be a Christian, then others will say that there is no difference and Christianity is the same as every other useless, empty religion available to ease the desire for worship in man. I have told you all about the one that was saved from here back in July. I questioned her the other day and she told me that she has not cut for over a year now. That is supernatural power. I believe that you have that same power if you will use it. I love you sister and want nothing more than hope and victory for you.

I'm Real, and it takes courage to be
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 24 06:25:08 2001 (#9887)

It takes a lot of courage be real, and show the world (this board) for instance that Christians can have bad things happen to them and can react to them poorly.

Jesus became my friend and confidant first, He became me Savior the first time I confessed I was a sinner and needed the eternal salvation he paid for me on Calvary.

But bad things still happened to me, and my mind hid them away. I didn't do it on purpose. And when the walls crumbled that had kept them hid away from me I was forced to face them.

It feels like hell on earth going through them, but I believe I have to for my own self. Because I need to know that it was not my fault. That I'm not guilty, that I'm not vile.

Yes I am a sinner saved by Grace and it is That Grace that will get me into heaven whether I get to the bottom of my pain or not.

You are right it is a Spiritual Battle. I could give up like many on this board have done. I could say there is no end to the suffering. But I know better than that. I've fought battle after battle and I'm still fighting and at the end of each battle I'm stronger.

Just look at me.....I'm still here. God is still victor.

I'm not going to get off this board. These people know pain so sever it drives them to self-injury. I need their strength and they need mine.

God is love. And God love Me, love all of us. And though are lives are crappy he is still here with us, waiting for us to cry out to him, to releieve our suffering, to dry our tears, to hold us through the night when we feel cold and alone.

Linda, your words hurt me, but I forgive you. Your heart hurts when we hurt, and you are faithful to take each of us to The Father and interceed for us. Thank You. I count on you to do that, because sometime when my stories burst out I get sucked into them and experience has told me cutting works fast.

God has told me over and over when I've asked to be spared my "thorn in the side" that he would take me THROUGH.

But going THROUGH get too long at times, and I crash. But God picks me up and says, I still love you. and nothing can snatch you from my hand.

Keep praying for us Linda. Keep praying for me to have strength for the journey. Love in Christ Dawn

incase anyone cares...
Posted by beautiful and dying on Wed Aug 22 22:37:54 2001 (#9833)

just thought i'd say hello to all, i still read everything but i never really say how i am...i''m not doing great buti'll be at cardiff university in a month so maybe things will change. fran is ok i think, she's getting her year sorted doing A level English and she moved out of home so hopefully she'll be better. i doubt i'm well known any more round these parts but just sending my love xxxxx

Re: incase anyone cares...
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 23 03:25:16 2001 (#9837)

Hey! I remember you...dunno if you remember me bc I was sorta new when you still posted. I'm sorry to hear ur not doing so well, but stay strong. Write if you ever want to talk. Lots of love

Re: incase anyone cares...
Posted by dave on Thu Aug 23 03:38:59 2001 (#9838)

yeah - just me - wish you'd post more. Glitter babies & dolly cushions xxxx

of couse we care
Posted by *~*Little Baby Nothing*~* on Thu Aug 23 19:57:01 2001 (#9861)

aww hello hunny love u lots! dont know why i repied cuz ill be talking to u in like 3 minutes chances are ;) well i love u anyways....

*~*LoST iN a WoRLD oF eYeLiNeR TeaRS*~*

luv Elle

xxxxx

ps not the same elle im a diffrent elle to the elle that posts on here as, well, elle, ironically :)

RAGE...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Thu Aug 23 05:42:38 2001 (#9840)

No where to turn and mortally wounded I face this wall... the faces screaming at me. I approach it... caress it tenderly attempt even to embrace it and I am struck down. There are no apologies in this world... where I walk forlorn... there is no forgiveness those who are too lustful for love and passion that they think of no one but themselves deserve to be struck down... Violence is translucent made opaque by faith... and what is faith but a love for oneself to such a degree it clouds vision... FUCK THERE IS NOTHING I WOULD LIKE MORE THAN TO KILL TO DRAW MY SWORD AND EVISCERATE HALF THE god DAMNED HUMAN RACE AND DO IT ALL IN THE NAME OF "god" TO SPITE THE FUCK RIGHT OUT OF ALL OF THEM WOULDN'T THAT BE A SIGHT AND A HALF LURE THEM CLOSE WITH SOME PROMISE OF BEING TOUCHED BY THE "lord" PERHAPS I'LL CALL MYSELF "jesus" HIMSELF WHY THE FUCK NOT I AM TEN TIMES MORE POWERFUL HE DID NOT TAKE LIFE... I CAN... ASK IF I'VE GONE MAD DO YOU? yes... bloody fucking stark raving...

I apologize deeply to those who post in good nature and to those who truly care about me... I am so very very sorry... please forgive me... Forever yours - Angry Kitty

Re: RAGE...
Posted by Linda on Thu Aug 23 13:43:09 2001 (#9844)

(((((((((((((((((((Moridihn))) )))))))))))))))

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