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Threads 2351 to 2400

having a bad day
Posted by Charlie on Sat Aug 11 06:55:17 2001 (#9459)

i'm not really a people person, i'm kind of a hermit, a hermit having a very bad day i'm feeling hopeless, pointless, depressed, and kinda suicidal right now

if there's anyone with the time to talk a little while i would be thankfull

Re: having a bad day
Posted by Charlie on Sat Aug 11 07:52:16 2001 (#9460)

i got ahold of someone on the phone, feeling a little better now disregard my last message

how?
Posted by sara on Sat Aug 11 08:18:42 2001 (#9461)

ok, how many of you struggle with an anorexia and cutting? well, i do...its a scary place...i was supposed to check myself into the hospital this past week, but i didn't, they gave me the choice, i didn't take it..i'm not ready to yet. and i guess my bmi thing is really low (its almost at 13 and 16 and under in anorexia)...but i don't know...how can you win over the things that are taking control of you that you found control in??? thanks...

sara

Re: how?
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sun Aug 12 15:42:48 2001 (#9490)

Hey, I know what you mean, I don't have anorexia though, I have bulimia. The only thing that keeps me going is faking it, like the Hole lyric,

"I fake it so real I am beyond fake"

I wish I could check myself into a hospital, if I could, what would I say and who would I call?

Friends.. jes please read this if you see it.
Posted by *star* on Sat Aug 11 12:11:52 2001 (#9465)

Hi,

Well i dont know how to start this but i really needed to talk this through, ive re read all my posts on here and i dont think the person i aimed that at (not in nastiness but because we never talk anymore) has not actually read them. its really hard to be in this position as i never cut myself then one time aboout a week ago i thought F*ck it ill see what its all about as the thoughts of how to stop thi wouldnt go so i did its a neat cut and it healed ok but it didnt help that i had to keep it hidden from everyone by wearing my watch lower so that it didnt show so it got kinda infected for a while, it didnt help me to understand and just stung so bad that i thought i was gonna cry, my b/f saw it he wasnt impressed to say the least thinks its because of my friend that i did it, it wasnt i was trying to understand, but *jes* i reallly need you to see that i HAVE tried so much and that i DO care so much for you that it hurts as i dont know what to do to help its so hard baby we need to talk we really do. i love you *star* xx

Re: Friends.. jes please read this if you see it.
Posted by Emma on Sat Aug 11 15:37:55 2001 (#9468)

So it was a cut??? I'm not mad of course *star* but why the f*ck didnt u tell me???? U think i wouldnt understand? u seem to understand me well enough when ur screaming at me for cutting again! Please dont hide Love always Emm xxx

Re: Friends.. jes please read this if you see it.
Posted by 'jes' on Sun Aug 12 21:46:24 2001 (#9493)

ok, so i fucked up. whatever i may ahve written, i wasnt having a go at you and you are most definitely not to blame for any of this. i know you've tried and i know its hard but sometimes i just dont know what to do, i know that if i talk to you then you'll be upset but if i dont then ti hurts you any way. everything i do just hurts people and causes more trouble, whats the point in me doing anything if im just gonna fuck it up? i just may as well not be here at all. ok, gonna go now, not the place. i love you. jes xx

Re: Friends.. jes please read this if you see it.
Posted by 'jes' on Wed Aug 15 02:06:48 2001 (#9571)

i know i already replied to this but i dont think i wrote somethings i wanted to write. i dont know why, my mind just goes someimes. Okay, i would love it if you could understand why and all that but, hell, so would eeryone one here but it aint gonna happen, unless you feel the need to cut for YOu then you wont understand. please, babe, dont do it again (i know, i'm a hypocrite. so sue me!) i love you so much and it's enough knowing how much you care and how much that hurts you to care, never mind thinking you would go as far as to hurt yourself to understand. i know you care and i know you've tried, and i really do appreciate it, a lot, but sometimes i'm so confused I dont even know why or what or anything nevermind being able to explain it. and even when i could try, it wouldnt be right, it wouldnt sound right. i know i'm not saying anything i probably havent said before but i guess sometimes thewords come and others they dont and right now they dont. 'I can never get out of here/ i dont wanna just float in fear...' sorry. ok this is bollock and i dont know why im not deleting this but im not, maybe its to show you that i did try to write somethinf=g worth while but once again failed. i love you, jes xxxxxx

Re: Friends.. jes please read this if you see it.
Posted by *star* on Sat Aug 18 09:54:15 2001 (#9702)

Why did you fail yet again?> i understood it perfectly, i love you too i only wish you could stop Love always Amz x

oh good god
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 11 16:56:44 2001 (#9474)

this place looks like utter madness has broken loose. I dont know if Im right, I remember the loving caring feeling this place brought..come on now, you people know we are here to help... e-mail me sometimes..try it...dont wallow in your sadness forever... look how ironic this is, I used to be the victim now Im the helper... ah love you all..

You're absolutely right
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sun Aug 12 08:45:35 2001 (#9486)

Kat. life ebbs and flows and so does recovery. There are weeks of calm in my life and I'm the helper. Then there are weeks upon weeks when I am bombarded by flashbacks and I feel slutty and dirty, and I remember two rapists paid me afterward and I was penniless and I TOOK The Money.... and I know it made me a prostitute.....and I think I have to cut those memories and feelings away....and I do. and you know what? It only distracts my mind for a time, then the memories and thoughts come back and I know they will...and I know they are behind me and that I never prostituted myself, and I wasn't a slut. I was a victim of sexual assault from when I was in diapers and it wasn't my fault, and I have to leave the punishment for all that others have done to me in God's hands and if the ppl repent I may see them face to face one day in heaven and none of what I struggle with means a hill of beans. I have to take charge of my life and be strong.

But sometimes strength fails me and I fall into the pit again. But I don't stay down. hell if a cracked rib, a spranged knee and ankle and finger, and possible spinal inury can't keep me down, why do I allow illusive memories to Love and Hugs Dawn...overcoming-1 is going to sleep as I type, googdye

Re: You're absolutely right
Posted by little_joe1 on Sun Aug 12 23:12:24 2001 (#9499)

i dont know why you feel bad about taking the money, get as much out of the bastards as you can, its not going to change anything, or make it easier, but at least you have a bit more cash. hmm, what i just typed seems distorted, but it made sense in my mind. sorry

Re: You're absolutely right
Posted by KAT on Mon Aug 13 00:14:51 2001 (#9504)

oh my my my...what have we come to now... life money we live for what? Oh dawn

I've got to write you back..your letter made me realize alot, and it could of just saved my life..

dont know
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Aug 11 17:52:45 2001 (#9477)

here cos I don't know what else to do. can't even properly remember what happened, but it wasn't good. I can't do this any more. I thought things were getting better, was wrong. Never fucking will. So this guy I know, jon, we were out drinking. Got to about 5am, don't know what happened, suddenly we're having this big fucking row about how I'm suicidal cos I cut. I'm not, it's a separate issue. Apparently not, I'm deluding myself. It all went wrong. He's threatening to kick the fuck out of me, I'm asking what he could possibly do that would matter to me. Just didn't care. Move on a bit, lost it completely, threatening to "cut his fucking throat" if he doesn't just shut the fuck up and get off my fucking back. All the time, telling me I'm suicidal, how the fuck would he know? So stupid. Not even sure I didn't mean it. What the fuck is wrong with me? All the time i thought I was just paranoid, the mfers knew and think I'm crazy.Everyone knows, no-one understands, they just judge in silence. can't do this any more. can't have people talking to me about something and all the time thinking I'm some kind of psycho. don't know what to do. not strong enough to deal with this any more. don't belong here or anywhere else. so scared. what if they're right? what if when i go home I prove them right? It would be easier but then there are some people who try to help, I know there are, just I can't talk to them when I'm like this. can't deal with this now. gonna go home, drink myself into a coma, see where it goes from there. This, believe it or not, is how I cope with things. it really wouldn't matter. this isn't life anyway. im trying, that's why im here typing this shit cos i don't know what's going to happen when i stop. sorry. don't really know whats happening here, feel like I'm not even awake fuck this isn't real

Re: dont know
Posted by Blue on Sun Aug 12 08:12:28 2001 (#9483)

Keep trying. Things do get better, and yes they also get worse but its the times that theyre ok that,although perhaps few and far between, make it worth trying. You can deal with this, youre stronger than you think. I dont have time to write much now,sorry. Will call you later. Love always xxxxxxx

im making a web page..........
Posted by jen on Sat Aug 11 22:33:11 2001 (#9478)

hi everyone, i am in the process of making a web page with information on self injury and s few other things. i want to have peoples personal stories, or poems that you have written, or qoutes that you like. so if you would like to share any of those things with other people please email them to me and i will put them on my page. thank you very much luv jen

Re: im making a web page..........
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sun Aug 12 15:39:47 2001 (#9489)

Hey, I have lots of stuff on my website that you can use on yours:

http://sadboy17.boltpag es.com/dead_end_doll

good luck

Re: im making a web page..........
Posted by Charlotte on Sun Aug 12 23:40:56 2001 (#9502)

my old webpage --> http://selfinjury.healing.at

take anything you want from there C

A miracle
Posted by *me* on Sat Aug 11 23:00:32 2001 (#9480)

The baby is doing much better. She WAS on life support, but now she is just on this assisted breathing thingy and she is mainly breathing on her own. They did tests on her and they can't find ANY brain damage. The normal maximum time with no oxygen for no brain damage is 4 minutes. She went 10 minutes with out breathing and there's no brain damage. The doctor's say if she continues to improve like this she will be able to go home in a few days. This is a miracle in my book. THANK YOU GOD! I am overwhelmed by this. Thank you all for your prayers. They worked. Thank you so much.

Re: A miracle
Posted by Maggie on Sun Aug 12 11:20:21 2001 (#9487)

I'm so pleased to hear the great news. Hugs, Maggie.

Re: A miracle
Posted by Charlotte on Sun Aug 12 23:45:55 2001 (#9503)

OH i am so so glad!!! thankyou for letting us know and please do keep us updated. but that is wonderful news!!! i have been praying for her and it is absolutely excellent to know she is doing better!!! ((((hugs)))) Charlie

Re: A miracle
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 13 02:11:40 2001 (#9508)

I'm so happy to hear that!! It just proves to me that there is a God and he does care. Let us know how the baby is getting along. I'll still keep her in my prayers. Love, Rhonda

just need to talk
Posted by david taylor on Sun Aug 12 03:35:31 2001 (#9481)

hi all, i just have this overwhelming urge to purge myself of all of my emotions i wish i could simply feel nothig. i think that would be simnply grand. since my unwanted(by me) divorce i'felt like doing real harm to myself. i know that won't bring my wife back or make her love me again, i've lost her for good. i've lost her for bad! sometimes i think i just dn't want to nor can i go on without her. but i struggle onward with the hope to the future with us two reunited once again. losing her has been yhe hardest thing i'e ever gone through i simply cpould not get my"most beautiful" out of my mind. my dear God i do love her so! i have wanted to take my razor out of my wallet and go to work onmyself, but i have managed to control the desire. i'm trying to get into a long term inpatient program for alcoholism and mentall illness, they know about my cutting so i can't be showing up with a bunch of new scars on my body. i'm almost two months sober and i don't want to screw up my sobriety nor my chances wiyh this program. my cutting usually but is not limited to coinciding with my drinking. i don't know where i'm going with all this i'm just so confused , sad and lonley. if anybody else out there is sad and lonley too or just wants to communicate reach ot and e-mail me i'll answer everyone! even if it takes awhile. thanks for listenig-- it's nice knowing ther is a place to go where i'm somewhat understood. thanks

david

Re: just need to talk
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Aug 12 16:50:20 2001 (#9491)

David, I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out. Stay strong, cause you sound like a very strong person. I don't really know what to tell you except that you can always come here on this board and let your feelings out. Someone will always listen to you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

skin infections?
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sun Aug 12 15:37:51 2001 (#9488)

Hey, I want some advice on how to deal and take care of skin infections, and no, I don't wanna hear, "Go see a doctor."

I can't afford it, so please help me, now.

I have nine burn scars and a cut that are infected, please help me, thanks

Re: skin infections?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Aug 12 16:54:55 2001 (#9492)

Start by cleaning them very good several times a day. Always put some antibiotic cream or ointment on them. You might also check on vitiams and herbs that help with healing. I know you don't want to hear, go to a doctor, but if it gets out of control, you'll have bigger problems. If it doesn't look any better after several days, please consider going to get some help. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: skin infections?
Posted by ChrisE on Tue Aug 14 14:49:04 2001 (#9552)

You can buy stuff called "wound wash" (by savlon) or it's equivalent in any pharmacists, that works well for cuts and burns. The other good thing is saline solution, just simply table salt in warmish water, soak the wounds in that for a few mins several times a day. try not to worry, most things will heal themselves in the end if you're careful.

forgot to say...
Posted by ChrisE on Tue Aug 14 18:34:55 2001 (#9555)

if you use saline solution, you should really make it up from boiled water. To be on the safe side...

hello people
Posted by only living boy in new york on Sun Aug 12 22:37:06 2001 (#9495)

hello how are you. i'm going to see my psychiatrist in the morning and i am hoping he will be very good. i've got to tell him about three months of strange things and such all i am worried about is the fact that the psychiatrists have always been different and this kind of annoys me because i feel i can't trust them at all and i hate it because i never get my feelings out. the last one i had was crap he was just intrested in getting out for his dinner and that annoyed me a lot. should i just tell everything anyway there is quite a bit to tell. thanks

Re: hello people
Posted by little_joe1 on Sun Aug 12 23:05:44 2001 (#9497)

i know what you mean i had 3 psychiatrists in 3 appointments. i had to go over the same crap over and over... really got to me. the fact they all put me on different medication ( without giving the rest a chance to work ) didnt help... they were mostly patronising as well. sucks doesnt it :(

Re: hello people
Posted by only living boy in new york on Mon Aug 13 00:33:32 2001 (#9505)

it does i hate it but on the other hand the docter said it is good i just don't believe it

Re: hello people
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 13 02:16:02 2001 (#9509)

Tara ended up going to 4 or 5 different doctors before she finally found one that is helping her. He also got her on the right meds and she is doing so much better. She still has her down days, but it is very slowly being able to handle it. It's very important to keep looking to find the right one. There are good ones out there, you just have to look really hard. Just keep trying. You can do it!!! Take care. Love, Rhonda

tara's mum
Posted by only living boy in new york on Tue Aug 14 00:02:36 2001 (#9531)

i got sent straight to a psychiatrist they don't talk to you they just listen i'm going to see if i can get a psycologist who actually will talk

Re: tara's mum
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:51:34 2001 (#9544)

Tara's psychiatrist does talk to her. I have been to a few of their sessions to give my ideas and try to learn how to help Tara. He's so much better than the other ones she went to. Just keep looking. You will find someone who will talk to you. I believe in you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

A word of warning to all minors on the board
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sun Aug 12 23:09:03 2001 (#9498)

It has been brought to my attention that there is a man on the board who is attempting to get involved in young girls' lives, asking for their phone numbers. I believe sharing detailed information like that is not a good idea. You are all vulnerable, you are struggling with intense emotions and situations in your lives and when someone seems to understand it is easy to get into an email relationship with that person, but you need to trust your inner voice. It usually is right about a person even when that person seems to care and understand what you are going through.

As an adult, with a little more wisdom, and knowledge about pediphiles I can tell you that a lot of that caring concern is what is called "Grooming" it basically means they are setting you up to put your trust in them. And when you do you are putting yourself in jeopardy.

Please do not disregaurd this message. STICK IT IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN REMEMBER IT WHEN SOMEONE ON THIS BOARD OR IN YOUR REAL LIFE TRIES TO GET MORE INFORMATION ABOUT YOU THAN YOU GUT TELLS YOU NOT TO.

Here I am telling you not to trust some people, while at the same time asking you to trust me.

My email address is always available for you to contact me. And many of you have. I appreciate the trust you have given me. I care so much about your safety. I do not want you hurt.

I am an adult who was victimized by men who won my trust, then when they had me in the palm of their hand they molested and raped me.

I am also an adult who went to special workshops to work on a crisis hot line, and took college classes on crisis intervention, as well as classes about sexual preditators, and counseling the sexually abused.

It was in these classes that my memories of abuse came out of hiding and made me realize I had to work on healing my own wounds before I could help others. And I have been doing that for 13 years.

When my victimization happened I thought it "just happened" I did not know it had been planned out by my rapists. That part seems to be hardest to accept...that I was stupid...that I hadn't figured it out and didn't know how to listen to my insides. That as smart as I thought I was I wasn't smart enough.

Well I'm smarter now. And I do not have to be totally "well" before I can help others. I can tell you to beware of anyone who wants to get detailed information from you.

But I do not want you to mistrust everyone. Tara's mom and I send each other post cards. We've exchanged addresses. She is someone I trust. She has proven her trustworthiness. Many of you on this board have. And if I have proven my trust worthiness to you and you feel comfortable exchanging postcards I would like that very much. But you can begin the process when your insides feels right about it.

Remember I care about your safety. Just as I know that you care about mine. That's why I get email when I've spoken from my heart. Love and hugs...Dawn

Re: A word of warning to all minors on the board
Posted by little_joe1 on Sun Aug 12 23:17:56 2001 (#9500)

hmm, i hope this is not in relation to me swapping phone numbers with someone on this board... i gave one person my phone number in case she ever needed to talk, because i thought it always helps to talk, then she asked if i wanted her number, i did not ask her for it.. so i hope this does not involve me...

Re: A word of warning to all minors on the board
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 13 02:21:26 2001 (#9510)

I would like to echo Dawn's concern. Please, everyone be real careful. I worry about this more and more. I see stories on the news and it scares me so bad. I don't want anyone hurt anymore than you already are. You all deal with enough stuff in your life. Just please, please be careful. Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: A word of warning to all minors on the board
Posted by what? on Mon Aug 13 03:46:22 2001 (#9513)

sorry - , just came across this prior to sleep. There are so few guys on this board to start with - feel free please to mail me with what you mean. Sounds very scary - more so since I have seen absolutely nothing at all. I'll leave the address

Re: A word of warning to all minors on the board
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 13 17:57:11 2001 (#9516)

I agree.....if you are a minor, please don't give out personal info, even your personal email address. Try to use an anonymous one (if you need help with this, I would be glad to answer questions).

From my long experience on the internet, I can tell you there are many people out there who will prey on what they consider "weakness". There are many sick people out there. Be careful.

But Dawn, I was a little upset by this comment:

"It has been brought to my attention that there is a man on the board who is attempting to get involved in young girls' lives, asking for their phone numbers."

If this guy REALLY did something wrong (all you said was he was trying to get involved...in what way?), you should post his name, because it makes the rest of us males on this board suspect.

I hate anyone who would prey on women and children, or anyone weaker than they. If this guy did something wrong, he should be punished. And, IF HE DID SOMETHING WRONG, he should turn himself in, because I and many like me will find out who you are, and trust me, you don't want that...

A threat? I think so.....

Warning update....
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Mon Aug 13 22:11:18 2001 (#9521)

I see that I have stirred things up. I am sorry but I do not know who "he" is other than that he is 28, (I just reread my email). So far this person has "Done nothing" other than to enter into an email trading relationship with a 16 year old. AND that he asked for her phone number.

I am not, nor did I say, he is a pediphile. I just gave a word of warning for young girls not to give out personal information even in email, because none of us really know the ppl on the board we communicate with other than the side of them they put into words. And that they can decieve even the best of us with all the words and comfort we want to hear. And some are very smart and know computers and how to dig up a lot of information about us with even a little bit of information, and if we actually give out our phone numbers they can quite possibly locate our home address. I do not want to put undo fear into people on the board. I am just saying that we all need to practice caution at all times not just on this board (because a lot of ppl read posts buy never post themselves), but it is widely known that there are ppl who surf the internet looking for ppl, both young and old, to prey on.

There are men on here, very few as far as I can tell, and the ones I've talked to seem genuinely compassionate and concerned, and harmless. I do not want to lump them in the bad pool, just because they are men. A few years ago I might have. But I've found that not all men are out to hurt women. And to tell the truth we need men on the board who show us that men experience emotional pain as well, and need our compassion just as much as we need compassion.

But remember everyone, that we need to be cautious who we give our real names to. I share my name, because I have a boyfriend who often reads what I post, and some of my mail and that we share kitchen walls and if anyone even threatens me in any way he is two steps from my front door.

There are also several groups of ppl who monitors the internet to find ppl who prey on the weak, and gullible, and can trace them as well as they can trace us.

If you have someone bothering you, change your online name and email address, and remember you can read and post here without giving out your true name or entering any email address.

And remember there are pple on here, like myself, And Tara's Mom, and others who have been on this board openly that have proven to be trustworthy.

Re: Warning update....
Posted by ChrisE on Tue Aug 14 18:46:38 2001 (#9556)

hmm... this makes me a little uneasy. Being one of the rare males on this board, I'm not sure whether to respond or not. Kinda feels like if I don't I have something to hide and if I do I'm probably trying too hard to prove otherwise. Everyone is right to be wary, one should certainly be careful who to trust and who not to. This is a somewhat faceless medium, and that offers disadvantages as well as advantages. Speaking for myself, the fact that I happen to be a guy doesn't mean I want to lock myself away and never talk to anyone, I value the help and support that I get from posting here. It's a difficult subject. Take care, everyone.

today i had to explain
Posted by Charlotte on Sun Aug 12 23:37:00 2001 (#9501)

to my little siser about my cutting. that was one of the worst things ihave ever had to do in my life. shes my little angel and i have heart broken her. she tried to make me promise never ever to do it again, but i know inside me that i cannot promise that. not just yet anyways. i know that it hurt them but i never knew how much. but now i see a bit clearer and it tears me apart to think how much i have put my family through. and how much i am going to put them through in the future, because i cannot stop yet. i want to so desperately but i cant. everything started to go well but life is falling apart again as is always the way and i do need to cut these days to survive. its either survive, or .. well.. not. i suppose i should go really. try not to wallow too much i guess. my little angel sister is only 7 and i have broken her heart. her eldest sister is not perfect. her eldest sister is completely useless and i wish she didnt have to know that. i guess it would have to come out one day. at least shes still got my other sister and mamma. at least she still has that to hold on.

Re: today i had to explain
Posted by only living boy in new york on Mon Aug 13 00:40:14 2001 (#9506)

i have to say well done we are all behind you all the way it's is a hard thing to explain to anbody and i am pleased for you my brother tried the same thing and i can't bring myself to say anything

Re: today i had to explain
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 13 02:09:04 2001 (#9507)

That must have been really hard to handle. But kids are a lot tougher than we give them credit for. Yes, they may be upset that you are doing this to yourself, but they will still love you. It seems like you have a close relationship with her and that is good. Are you close with you mom and anyone else in your immedient family? If so, they would probably help you and support you. That is a big plus in dealing with intense emotional feelings. You can also come here and we will all listen and offer suggestions, or maybe just show support of you. It seems like everyone on this board is a cutter but me, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to help. If you ever want to talk, just email me and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Take care and stay strong. Love,Rhonda

selfish
Posted by little_joe1 on Mon Aug 13 02:53:38 2001 (#9511)

Selfish - adjective, doing what you want and not thinking of other people; keeping things for yourself

so in what way can suicide be selfish for me ? i dont want to do it, i have no option. i am thinking of others, im thinking how happy they will be that i'm gone.. so what is there to stop me ? absolute fuck all...

Re: selfish
Posted by little_joe1 on Mon Aug 13 11:55:56 2001 (#9514)

am i "serious" or am i just crying for attention ? not that anyone gives a fuck, but both. i want attention. i want someone to be there for me, like everyone else seems to have. i want a friend, someone i can talk to...

anyway, just needed to say that i dont think suicide is selfish unless you are hurting someone. fuck it, bye

Re: selfish
Posted by Tara' Mom on Mon Aug 13 23:42:32 2001 (#9530)

I guess you can consider it selfish then, cause you would hurt me if you did that. I'll be a friend to you and you can talk to me anytime you feel down. People on this board do care. Even though I don't know the emotions everyone goes through, I still feel bad that I can't help more. Please take care of yourself cause everyone is special, even you. Email me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

Re: selfish
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Aug 17 16:58:10 2001 (#9669)

When I was 15 years old someone at school I knew killed himself and I have been strugeling wíth feelings of guilt ever since. I am sure he never thought of that but he did leave what I call something to inherit but something very negative. I would feel quite sad if you would not be there anymore although I do not know you very well yet.

.............................
Posted by *me* on Mon Aug 13 02:56:10 2001 (#9512)

I am feeling so completely out of it right now. I know I am sitting here, it's not like a dissociative thing, but I feel...oh it's sooo weird. I feel like I'm not REALLY here...does that make sense? I felt this way once before, I was like walking through the mall with my friend and I had control of myself, it was just WEIRD...I am not making sense. I can't describe it...it's like I'm just out of it - literally! ALMOST like, I'm like in a daze...I don't know. I don't know what the point of this post is. I just feel so weird.

And I want to apologize for not replying to a lot of ppl. I read every single post. I just...don't know how to respond right now. This week has been tough, and I'm just feeling kind of low right now. I don't know. I'm crying right now for no freaking reason. What is wrong with me?????

Re: .............................
Posted by Charlotte on Mon Aug 13 19:39:25 2001 (#9518)

its weird but i know exactly what you mean. when i dont dissociate (sp) i sometimes get that feeling you describe. i know what you mean and it scares me sometimes. but in others i like it. of course i dont understand that --> scared of it but liking it i mean. it makes no sense really. but thats how it is. i guess i like it because i wish i wasnt really here. oh well.. just wanted to let you know youre not alone and i understand what youre saying and where youre coming from Charlie xxx

It is a form of dissociate state
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Tue Aug 14 08:37:13 2001 (#9548)

I know exactly what you are talking about. It is almost nothingness, spaced out, yet aware of your surroundings. Don't let it frighten you. in fact let if free you of some of your troubles. Let them just drift away. I can almost go there myself. I would like to leave my body...it hurts,....I fell again today. Well I'm not where you are but I am tired. midnight gets sooner and sooner these days. love and hugs....Dawn

Re: .............................
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:45:53 2001 (#9543)

Go ahead and cry. It might help. Just know that everyone will be here to help you. Email me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

*deep sigh*
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Aug 13 15:50:50 2001 (#9515)

Currently it seems that little_joe1 isn't the only one thinking about suicide.

Re: *deep sigh*
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:44:12 2001 (#9542)

Does this mean you are thinking about it to? I really hope not. I hope no one is. It would be hard on us to lose anyone here. Please hang on, it will get better. May take a while, but it will. You've got friends here that will help you through the rough times. Take care, Lindsey Love, Rhonda

Re: *deep sigh*
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 14 21:23:58 2001 (#9558)

me too...... i think theres 3 of us now..maybe even more

i screwed up
Posted by diana on Mon Aug 13 20:49:15 2001 (#9519)

...it was a month yesterday without cutting, and then i just broke down. I tried crying, but i didn't work. So i saw my lighter and stupid me took it and burned myself in the same stop continueously. And then i scartched up my wrist. I did that again today. I scratched the word "fat" on myself a couple times 2. I really don't know whats going on with me. Someone thinks its because my boyfriend made some comments about wanting a really skinny girlfriend or whatever. I was doing so well too. I really want to stop doing all this shit to myself, but i don't know how! i'm so lost and confused. well thanx for listenin to my bullshit. what should i do?

Re: i screwed up
Posted by little_joe1 on Mon Aug 13 23:38:26 2001 (#9528)

dont worry, you have not failed.. sorry this is going to sound like crap as can't seem to do anything right, but one "slip" is not failure, well done for going for so long cut free, just try again when you are ready..

Re: i screwed up
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:40:59 2001 (#9541)

People are cruel and will say cruel things. I'm sorry. Wish I could make everyone watch their mouths when it comes to making stupid comments about others. The old saying, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" isn't true. Words DO hurt! Is there anyone you can talk to? Are you seeing a therapist or taking any meds? If not, they can help. Email me if you want to talk. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

I hate my life!!!
Posted by rovicol on Mon Aug 13 20:58:37 2001 (#9520)

Why did I do it !! after 4 months not cutting I did it again .why can I don't stop! Its not fair I hate myself !!I hate the world!!.. I miss having friends ... I'm always alone ... its not fair. I'm so sorry for being a loser! because thats what I am .. a big loser! so sorry ! vicky..

Re: I hate my life!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 13 23:37:57 2001 (#9527)

Vicky, You're not a loser!! We all care about you here. When you feel bad, just come here and rant and rave. I'll be your friend and you won't be alone. Please stay strong. If you want to talk, email me, okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I hate my life!!!
Posted by little_joe1 on Mon Aug 13 23:40:20 2001 (#9529)

wish i could give you a hug, because you are not a loser, stop putting yourself down... i miss having friends too.. dont be sorry, you are not a loser, i dont know what else to say, just dont put yourself down anymore

pissed offed ness at religions crapiness
Posted by Little Baby Nothing on Mon Aug 13 22:50:22 2001 (#9523)

I posted before and then i left another post under a different name but i totally forgot what it was so i used this one again. what im here to say will probably piss a lot of u off but im not meaning it to im just expressing my thoughts and seeing what others think aswell. i have so many questions about christianity but I know u wont answer, not that your ignorant, just that you CANT. but ill give these things a shot anyway, some of them at least. So God has your life planned from the day your born? i dont understand why we have people like hitler. if god has the lives planned why does he create ppl like that, why do we have wars? i never used to pay attention when people blamed god for things like that but its true, why does he decide certain people are gonna be complete and utter bastards? you can say because hes trying to teach us but theres no reason for him to teach us if its all written all ready. also, if its all written down if our lives are planned theres no need for use to preach or whatnot because whatever we do its what hes planned us to do, right? well obviously not, another place where christianity contracicts itself. ive nothing against christians (except out-of-order preachers but thats another story) i just hate the actual religion, in fact i feel most religions are the same. i get called devil worshipper for not worshipping christ but i dont beleive in him, therefore i dont beleive in the devil. its all a load of contradictions. i'm not saying gods out of order, or hes evil or whatever. i just dont beleive he exists or else all this shit wouldnt happen. answer that for me, why does he let this stuff happen? i cant remember who posted it sorry but something about some cousins kid or something....im real sorry to hear about that but if god was who he was made out to be would he let that happen? i will be thinking about that kid, i hope everything went ok and stuff... but i wont be praying. to quote Jewel "if praying were enough it would have come to be" so whats the use? prayrs have never come true....id also like to add these words are coming from somebody who was once a good christian so im not some nobody rebelling against nothing, i truly beleive in what im saying and im just hoping maybe others will see? im not saying dont have faith...faith is a good thing, it gives u strength. but dont let it rule your life. dont live in fear of sin, ti quote that amazing gal again, " to be forgiven you must first beleive in sin" i dont beleive in sin wbecause we all learn from that shit. I think the bible says a lot of great stuff, but its taken in the wrong way. i cant remember what the guys name was and all that so lets use the basic outline, some guy was blind and jesus walked past and touched him or something and this geezer could see. people take this in the wrong way. they say jesus was a miracle worker. i beleive the point being made is IF YOU HAVE FAITH it will help you SEE PAST STUFF its a metaphor to me. Its also saying, jesus wasnt a miracle worker, the point is jesus was an ordinary guy, maybe the son of god maybe not, no proof going on. but either way the point im making is that we all have the power within OURSELVES...forget jesus and all that shit. oh my god. i sound like a preacher. im not trying to preach shit ok im just saying how i enterpret that stuff and maybe some ppl will eithe rcorrect me, or understand me...or something?

xxxxx

Re: pissed offed ness at religions crapiness
Posted by little baby nothing on Mon Aug 13 23:04:44 2001 (#9525)

PS i hope everything was okay with that kid

xxxxx big hugs and love

*~*I know I'm fading but I'll pretend i dont mind*~*

little baby nothing

Re: pissed offed ness at religions crapiness
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:33:49 2001 (#9540)

Hi, Your message made me curious.Thought I'd give you my thoughts on religion. I do believe in God. I mean look around, who created all this? But I don't believe God PLANS for all this to happen. To me, it's like He has said,"okay,i've created all this for you, now lets see what you do with it." He leaves it up to us to decide what to do and how to deal with things. I'm just a simple country girl so I have a lot of faith in the Lord and his son, Jesus. I don't believe I have to be in church everytime the doors open. I can go outside and look at the scenery and be in an outdoor church. I also believe in the Bible. Everyone has their own opinions and that is okay. It's not for me to judge anyone. "Judgement is mine, sayeth the Lord" My dad and I get into disscussions about this cause he judges everyone while claiming to be a Christian. And that's not right to me either, but he's my father and I try not to get into it too deep with him. Anyway, just wanted to say that. I'm not meaning to upset anyone and I hope I didn't. Take care everyone. Love, Rhonda

Re: pissed offed ness at religions crapiness
Posted by ..... on Tue Aug 14 04:42:03 2001 (#9547)

why assume we need a creator? Who created god? Himself? If god's point was 'now I've created you, let's see what you do with it' - doesn't that make him responsible for what we 'do' with 'it' considering he could have created us to 'do' with it otherwise. He's omniscient & omnipotent. He knows the outcome already according to what most believe, therefore we must be doing exactly what was ordained. Why change anything?

I have never met a christian that remotely emulated Christ's documented life. It's too hard to live so piously, so much easier to believe that belief in his teachings is sufficient for salvation.

Religion is the arch antithesis of equality, everything Christ stood for. Instead of following his example & 'loving your enemy', enemies are despised, murdered & tortured. Point is, Christs teachings don't change, but Christianity has been very dynamic. How can any absolute truths be dynamic? Original sin - could someone explain how a rational being can agree in that please - it does & has done so much damage.

sorry - don't mean to offend, but probably will have done. In fact, all I've done is question.

Belief will forever be more potent than 'truth'

A true believer holds their head above the waters in which a believer in truth drowns. I nicked Noah's ark for a bit - it's ok, I'll give it back after the giraffes have been aroused after knocking themselves out on the lavatory roof!

sorry, bad day - my way of venting a bit.

love x

Where is the anger coming from?
Posted by Dawn...ovecoming-1 on Tue Aug 14 09:23:55 2001 (#9549)

I am a Christian, but the only saintliness about me is what is part and parcel of being a believer in Jesus, the one and only son of the living God.

I am not asking you to believe is something you so obviously do not believe in.

In your first post your brought up many questions about why the world is the way it is and people are the was people are if God exists, Why doesn't he do something.

In the Bible I says the world was without form and void, and God parted the waters and made dry land, he created Man, then woman from one of man's ribs, and everything was good and woman and man were withut sin. When God created man he created within him a will. And he told Adam and Eve everything in the garden was for their use, EXcept the tree of knowledge.

Then Satan entered the arena and decieved Eve with smooth talking and she gave Adam fruit from the forbidden tree and sin entered into this world and the world changed.

Hitler had a will and he used it for destruction.

To answer another point you made, God has created in everyone a "void" or empty part in his heart intended for God to fill. But ppl fill it with other things and leave God out of their lives, and they make their own decisions and the Bible says we reap what we sow. My life is a good example of that. I sought love in all the wrong places and I was raped. And when I remembet I cut on my self rather that to ask God to take the pain away.

As far as some pple going to heaven and others going to hell. That is their own choice to make it depends on the soil of each of our hearts.

For example your posts sounded very combative, like no matter what pple will say you will tear it apart. Which is a good indicator that the soil of your heart is hardened like the dessert in California.If we close our minds and not let the truth of God enter there is little hope that he ever will because God is a gentleman and only goes where he is invited.

The Bible says if you will draw near to God he will draw near to you.

You can ask question after question, but if your mind and heart are unwilling to accept the truth, You will discover God will not answer.

To every question you have you get an answer. I would imagine that with the attitude that came across on the posts you made that you will get very few acceptable answers to your questions.

Please understamd that my references to the words of God is my wording, If you have one look up the scripture for the questions you have see the truth for yourslf. I'm falling asleep so bye for now

Re: Where is the anger coming from?
Posted by little_joe1 on Tue Aug 14 10:07:04 2001 (#9551)

i am itching to get involved.. i love debating, and i'd like to think i can debate for almost any side, ever if i dont agree with it..

however, i have only one thing to say "I sought love in all the wrong places and I was raped" so your basically saying it was your fault you fell in love with a complete bastard.. words fail me..

for all your hope and faith, you can blame yourself for falling in love ? maybe i dont have the full story as such, but love is a chemical reaction to make sure we pass on our genes.. or maybe its got nothing to do with that, but have you ever heard of anyone who could control there love ?

P.S
Posted by Little baby nothing on Tue Aug 14 21:57:06 2001 (#9560)

PS i totally agree with little_joe1. mwah

xxxxxx

P.P.P.P.S
Posted by Little Baby Nothing on Tue Aug 14 22:01:36 2001 (#9562)

it went the wrong way! ps was meant to be read AFTER what has god done for u laely...and i dont know where this one will go either but AAAAAATghnrngpea;fuirgnrigonrt ki34092u6o43qn\gn

xxxxx

what has god done for you lately
Posted by Little Baby Nothing on Tue Aug 14 21:55:31 2001 (#9559)

I didnt leave the post from "..." but im pritty sure i know who did and if its who i thisnk it is cheers mate u put it english for me. if ur not who i thought cheers anyway! anywayssssssssssssss welllllll first things first Taras mom u sound like the kind of christian i like u dont judge and u do have an open mind like so many seem to claim and so many lack. thanks for your response. to dawn overcoming - why would god leave a void in us? whats the point? if he cares and loves us like ppl preach hed have left no void and then wed all go to heavan anyway. well i dont beleive in heavan and hell either ways but thats diffrent. also im sorry to hear you were raped but you cant blsme yourself, its not what comes around goes around with that. its some sicko feeling like attacking somebody and u was nearby. are you saying everyone who gets raped/murdered/whatevers has it coming to them because of something they did before? i dont think so. i know people who've had some shit happen to them and they dont do anythign to deserve it. and if you beleive in god if gods such a gr8 guy why are u still feeling the need to hurt yourself? do u remember colin? he was a brilliant christian from what i saw and a reallyu lovely guy but from what i could see his attachment to christianity was only bringing him down. it went firther than faith, it was a duty, and he felt it was his duty to help EVERYONe here and i think it brought him down. if you are so attached to your god, why do you cut yourself rather than ask for help from him, as u say? whats the point in that? u do so much good shit for god what has he done for you lately? yeah yeah all that shit bout he made us blah blah but also if he made us, why the fuck is the bible against incest, because we all come from each other according to that shit some seirous incest there. and how do we have black/asian/chinese people if we all come from two WHITE people apparently? and people go on a bout open mindedness and shit but god is homophobic. whats the problem with that stuff? and it says hes against sododmy acutally not gayism but if thats the case what does he think of lesbians? or bisexuals? or gay guys who dont have sex (as rare as that is)? plz reply. oh and i hear u sed the person who left a msg as ..... has a hardened heart and closed mind. its not me but i can tell u now that i know that person and they are one of the lovliest guys i know so u dont have the right to judge him. see? u just said u never judge and what are u doing saying that? "u can ask question after question but if ur mind and heart are unwilling to accept the truth" - who says its the truth? another judgement, u think its right, so im wrong cuz i dont beleive the same thing? another fucking judgement as i look back, i do not have a bad attitude thank u very much. it does sound like it now im sure but thats because im heated up now. so stop contradicting and speaking bullshit. i know thats a judgement too, but i never sed i dont judge.

sorry for my language and shit, but im pissed off.

xxxxx love u lots. if u have msn messenger or yahoo id be VERY happy to discuss these subjects. my nick on Y! is Angel_with_scars and on msn bloodflowers2k.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Re: what has god done for you lately
Posted by Sharon on Tue Aug 14 23:36:30 2001 (#9563)

I felt like I should give you my take on the whole "God foreknowing everything" issue. It's my personal belief and I haven't known a lot of ppl who share it, but it makes sense to me.

The Bible says that God gives us free will. That means that we can decide what we want to do. God will not interfere because that would make us robots. Love that does not come of a free choice is not love at all. So, we decide what we do with our lives, the reason God knows what we'll do before we do it is because He made each of us, because He knows each of us, inside and out, He knows how we act, how we react, if we're quicktempered, if we're patient, etc. Therefore, He knows what we'll do in a situation. We still have free choice, but think about it, often ppl base their choices on characteristic traits and their personality. Anyway, that's just my idea on the whole thing. Hope it helped.

As to God creating a void in us . . . I'm not really sure on that one. I think he uses it to show us the futility of all the things we turn to. To show us that we need Him above all. I can honestly say that if I haven't talked to God for awhile and stuff, I feel empty. He fulfills me. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm trying to push religion down your throat. I'm not. I've had really bad experiences with people claiming that they were Christians too. It took me a long time to realize the difference between religion and God.

About Colin . . . we AIMed several times and e-mailed back and forth, and I think I am speaking honestly when I say that to him, helping people on this board was NOT a burden. He truly had a heart for hurting people, and he knew the way, so that's what he tried to show to everyone. Yes, I sometimes feel hypocritical as a Christian SIer, but we were never promised that life would be a bed of roses with Christ. We all fall short of perfection. I guess the difference is that I have something, Someone I can turn to. And that makes a big difference.

Sorry that this was so long! I hope you find the answers to your questions, feel free to e-mail me or post anytime.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: what has god done for you lately
Posted by little baby nothing on Tue Aug 14 23:58:03 2001 (#9565)

i wasnt saying we were a burden for colin. i think he had too many "duties" weighing him down. a lot of people on this board when he was here were very...attention seeking. no names mentioned. i think most have left now anyway if not all. most ppl were honest and really needed help. He worried too much.

anyway thanks for the reply, you sound like a nice person and i think you got ur head screwed on. i personally dont beleive in any god stuff, but i dont dismiss it for other people completely. i just hate when people wont let others have their say and wont accept that there is a possibility that christianity is NOT the "correct" religion.

xxxxx

Re: what has god done for you lately
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 03:00:24 2001 (#9574)

(((((((((Sharon))))))) Very well put!!

Re: what has god done for you lately
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 15 00:33:21 2001 (#9569)

In answer to your question,God has given me back my daughter. There is still a lot of work ahead in the years to come, but I believe that He will guide our way. I am very open-minded about religion. The reason being, when I was a kid, we HAD to go to church, no matter what. I can remember having a fever of 103 and my dad getting upset cause mom wouldn't let me go to Sunday School. It was basically crammed down my throat. Now that I'm on my own, I practice my beliefs in my own way. I say prayers at night, I admire the beauty God has created in this world and I try to help people. I believe in practice what you preach. So I guess I didn't get anyone mad at my response. Anyway, take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: what has god done for you lately
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 03:13:25 2001 (#9577)

I wasn't going to get involved in this discussion because it seems that God has placed several really sweet Christian people on the board that do a very good job answering questions on our behalf but one thing that I think has been missed here is that Christians believe the basis for their trust is in the Bible. Personally, our church believes that the Bible is the infallible word of God. We believe that He used individuals with different personalities and inspired them to write the words. We base our life on principles taught in scripture. The Christian life is a life of faith. If we could prove to you that it was true it would no longer be faith. So when it is said that we are making judgements about what is right or wrong, remember that is why we make the judgements that we do. I am very confident after 50 years of living this life that our faith is not ill-founded. If anyone else believes it, they will have to do the same thing....take it by faith. I have no doubts because of answered prayers and the peace and joy this life brings. Confidence comes from that and sometimes it is misunderstood as arrogance. That could not be further from the truth. A true Christian, above all else, understands that he is a sinner and NOTHING that he does in his own strength is of value. If he yields to the leadership of the Holy Spirit, he can be used to do a mighty work for God. We do not intend to cram that down your throat, we simply desire to share the same forgiveness and grace that we have received. After all, if you are wrong, the results are devastating...if we are wrong, what difference will it make?

Re: what has god done for you lately
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 03:33:03 2001 (#9580)

Sorry for so many posts but I just had to come back and answer this question..."What has God done for you lately?".....I left here and went to another SI board where a little sweetheart of a teenager that I met on this board is posting regularly. Last July, I spent many hours corresponding with her. She was confused and paranoid. Her life was a wreck. I offered to listen and explain to her from the Chrisitan viewpoint the answers to her problems. She willingly did that and on July 12 of last year, she accepted Jesus as her personal Savior. I am so glad that the day that I came on this board and read the different posts that I prayed and asked the Lord to help me here. I really considered it before I posted the first post to try to help someone. I didn't know anything about SI and I was fearful of what I was getting into BUT God answered that prayer and I have the blessing of reading those posts from her where she is now helping those that are in the same condition she was in just 12 short months ago. I'll tell you the blessings are innumerable. It's real!!!!!!

yeah yeah yeah...
Posted by *~*::Little Baby Nothing::*~* on Wed Aug 15 21:44:52 2001 (#9603)

look at these ppl who pray every night all their life cuz shit is always happenoing to them their mum gets beat the dads a alkie there getting bullied they been raped their family friends etc murdered and what happens to them? nothing. your just one lucky person and it is coincidental. there is nothing in ur above statement that proves or makes a point about it. if u get what i mean.

Re: yeah yeah yeah...
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 23:45:59 2001 (#9620)

Yep I sure do! Sorry it doesn't help you. I was hoping it would.

Re: yeah yeah yeah...
Posted by only living boy in new york on Thu Aug 16 00:39:36 2001 (#9629)

i used to be a regular churchgoer until about 2 years ago and am no longer a christian but i do believe that if people believe in god they can. my auntie and uncle had their faith to get through my cousins death i started to ask questions i don't hate god but i do think that if jugment day does happen then god has some questions to answer.

what a big long thread....
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Fri Aug 17 02:02:21 2001 (#9652)

hmmm, that's all I wanted to say, I don't feel like arguing, I don't believe in God or Satan. I'm in my own little world right now, so don't mind me ..... *floats through the big long thread*

Re: what a big long thread....
Posted by Sharon on Sat Aug 18 19:56:34 2001 (#9711)

To Little Baby Nothing,

I hope this doesn't sound judgemental and religious because I don't mean it to be. I just have a question. In one of your responses, you seem to be saying that the bad in this world negates the good that God does, or that if God was so good, He wouldn't allow the bad to happen.

One of my friends died a few years ago. We had grown up together and gone to the same school and everything. He was one of the nicest and most vibrant people I knew. For a long time, I questioned God about his death and about the evil in this world. It was around that time that I started thinking about the whole free choice thing. But also . . . the evil and sin in this world is not God's fault. Yes, there is so much suffering, and yes, we shouldn't be blind to it (I think that's one of the biggest faults about the church, personally) but we have to realize that those are people who make that decision to be that way. I hope that makes sense.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: what a big long thread....
Posted by Little Baby Nothing on Sun Aug 19 23:48:11 2001 (#9739)

i dont beleive you shud blame god...that isnt what i was saying exactly...well ig uess it was ha but u know what i mean...sorry....i cant type im a little uh...tipsy? hehehe...well...what i mean was lik...relgon always contrdists tsefl all thr time....it says god has ur life written from day one...im saying if thats so why make ppl evil...like..umm do u understand i havent a clue if im even spkin englih...probla not...well....ill try make this sensical later... xxxxxxxxx

I have a question.....
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Mon Aug 13 22:54:35 2001 (#9524)

okay, I'm thinking about checking myself into a hospital, because I feel like shit. Will they ..... like...... how? what do I say? Where do I go? Who do I call? Do I just cut my wrist and walk into the emergency ward?

Re: I have a question.....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 13 23:34:10 2001 (#9526)

You could try calling the nearest hospital and asking what their policy is on someone addmitting themselves for help. Couldn't hurt. I don't know where you live, but here in Oklahoma, the police departments have something called "gatekeeping" We called them when we had trouble with Tara several years ago. It was a very hard thing to do, but they basically got Tara a mental evaluation quick, and she was deemed to be capeable of hurting herself. They took her into protective custody, in front of us, and then they transportated her to the hospital for help. We followed in our car. Her Dad and I cried all the way there and all the way back, but it helped Tara in the long run. If you feel comfortable calling the police and asking for help, do it. Call your personal doctor if you have one and ask them. There are all kinds of things you can do to check on this, but please try. Addmitting you need help is a big step and a very hard one. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. I care about you and I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I have a question.....
Posted by only living boy in new york on Tue Aug 14 00:06:10 2001 (#9532)

i just made an appointment with my doctor and he refered my to a psychiatrist you could try it that way hope you get better

Re: I have a question.....
Posted by Charlotte on Tue Aug 14 15:46:24 2001 (#9554)

when i went (although not willingly) i was referred by my therapist and doctor. they sorted it out and everything. so its worth going to see your doctor and saying that you want to go to hospital for help but you dont know how to organise it and can s/he help. good luck! i hope it goes well for you, lots of love Charlie xxx

25
Posted by lost girl on Tue Aug 14 01:41:56 2001 (#9534)

i think i should be in hospital... but i don't want to leave my best friend who is as unstable as i am. he is also a self injurer. we made a promise to eachother.. he goes into a hospital i go, and vise versa i can stop cutting, but with him he helps me not to. but i don't always have acess to him b/c he lives far away i don't know what to do.. i haven't cut for 2-3 days and then today i made 25 on my lower left arm... i think i do need to be in a hospital..

-lost girl

Re: 25
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:12:14 2001 (#9537)

I encourage you to go ahead and get some help. Maybe your friend wants to get help also, but doesn't want to say anything first. You could tell him you want to check into a hospital for some help and does he want to go with you? If he says yes, great. If he says no, just explain that yuo could really use his support right now as you need to get some help. That's about all I can suggest. Don't know if it will help you any, but I sure hope so. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: 25
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 15 03:14:09 2001 (#9578)

if u think that then u need to tell ur best friend.. i know stuff with best friends can be hard trust me on this on but if u thinku need help then ur probley rite no one knows better then u sweetie. tell u want to go in to one and he should to. *hugs*! it'll be ok..i promise!

Re: 25
Posted by ego on Wed Aug 15 13:12:51 2001 (#9588)

cutting is not the illness, cutting is a symptom for an illness. it is the mask which covers other malefunctions.

a load of crap
Posted by jes on Tue Aug 14 01:43:20 2001 (#9535)

i just wanted to say that i've been reading most of the posts on here and most of them i feel really strongly about, BUT, i dont know what to say, there are some really strong emotions being evoked here and i cant think of a single thing to say that isn't bull-shit ('scuse the french). i guess i just wanted to say thank-you for sharing and helping me even if you dont know you're doing it and i DEFINITELY don't deserve it. love jes

Re: a load of crap
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:16:03 2001 (#9538)

You deserve all the help you can get, Jes. Even if you don't respond, that doesn't mean you don't care. Like you said, there are strong emotions here and some people don't know how to respond to it. That's OKAY!!! You can always email me if you want to talk. Take care. Love, Rhonda

I'm not sure 'bout this
Posted by jes on Tue Aug 14 01:53:54 2001 (#9536)

K so i know i said i didnt have n e thing to say but that was more responses to other ppl. Right, so i havent cut mself in a while (oooh goody you say! lol) But i've been scratching my arm. Like with my nails and its made these huge big ugly scabs on my arm, or i just dig my nails into my arm and when they've sunk in, i pull the lil chunk of skin away so i have lil holes too or, i i scrathched myself til the skin was a bit raw then i just scratched away at it til i got all these scratches on my arm the i stabbed my self with the pin a load too. i guess what i'm trying to say is why? Why have i started doing this after 3/4 years of cutting? why am i now wanting the pain and maybe the blood too instead of just the blood?? i really dont understand myself. i scare myself soo much sometimes. i'm lost in my own head. jes xx

Re: I'm not sure 'bout this
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Aug 14 02:19:00 2001 (#9539)

Me again Jes, I know I can't stop you or anything, but could you do me a favor? Could you please keep the scratches and little holes very clean? I'm worried about you. Like I said earlier, if you want to talk, just email me. Take care Jes, Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm not sure 'bout this
Posted by jes on Wed Aug 15 02:15:30 2001 (#9572)

hey,

thanks for caring, im gonna mail you, sorry if i go on. love jes

what i want
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 14 03:24:48 2001 (#9545)

i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want somoene to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. i want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok.

Re: what i want
Posted by little_joe1 on Tue Aug 14 10:01:10 2001 (#9550)

*hug* everything will be ok.. ? sorry.. doesnt work. :( dont know what to do now..

Re: what i want
Posted by Charlotte on Tue Aug 14 15:41:49 2001 (#9553)

u know what? i want that too. so much. i also wish i was able to hold you and tell you everything is going to be ok. because it is you know. one day were all gonna be ok. i dont know how nor do i know when but we'll be fine and it IS going to be ok sweetie. i just wish i could tell you that and hold you tight at the same time. maybe a hug would make it more believeable? chin up sweetie. one day it will be ok, you have that thought to hold on to? and youve got us too. lots and lots of love Charlie xxx

ps - if you ever want to talk please do email me, angels_faery@hotmail.com or IM me.. MSN the same addy. AIM = angelsfaery and yahoo! = angels_faery. if you need me im here sweetie, xxx

la la la la
Posted by la la la la on Tue Aug 14 22:00:07 2001 (#9561)

you freak.

Re: la la la la
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 15 00:24:50 2001 (#9567)

hah, you make me laugh. there a freak ? who the fuck is wasting there time posting on a board for no reason other than to insult someone...

Re: la la la la
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 15 00:37:11 2001 (#9570)

I'll say a prayer for YOU tonight! Love, Rhonda

Re: la la la la
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 15 20:10:02 2001 (#9600)

is being a freak a bad thing?

funny....

Re: la la la la
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 15 22:23:05 2001 (#9611)

looks like i fucked that one up aswell then, la la la la just pissed me off...

Re: la la la la
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 16 02:36:54 2001 (#9631)

little_joel, I hope you didn't think I was talking to you. I was telling who ever wrote la la la that I would pray for them. I'm sorry if you thought I meant you. Love, Rhonda

Re: what i want
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 15 03:10:07 2001 (#9576)

me, i want that to..but no one ever does

a poem for yous
Posted by Sharon on Tue Aug 14 23:46:25 2001 (#9564)

This came to me right when I was about to fall asleep (That seems to be the time all my brilliant thinking occurs! Then and the shower!) It's a bit nonsensical, but I thought that you guys would understand.

Alice

I've fallen down this Rabbit's Hole,

Oh, what an Alice thing to do.

But instead of Wonderland,

I have found a place

Where people only use shards

Of the Looking Glass

To cut up.

So I bleed.

So I cry.

So I ponder reasons why.

And I am getting so tired

Of trying to deny and rationalize

The existence of these scars.

Explaining to these

Tweedledees and Tweedledums

Why my blue pinafore is

Not always spotless.

This army of cards fluttering,

Collapsing in front of me.

Stiff edges brushing against

My stone face.

I alternately feel like

I have outgrown my world

Of a Rabbit's House,

Or that I am too small to fill it.

Oh, what an Alice thing to think.

Can't seem to escape this world,

Can't seem to wake from this dream,

Nor return to reality.

What a ridiculous

Storybook existence that

Never did belong in the real world.

Almost don't want to leave,

Yet fight to get out everyday.

So I sit and I solve

Meaningless riddles posed by

A fuzzy caterpillar that I

Don't even want to listen to.

And I dance in a garden of flowers

That make me feel even more

Imperfect by their petals

And fragrance.

Oh, this endless charade,

What an Alice thing to be.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: a poem for yous
Posted by Little Baby Nothing on Wed Aug 15 00:00:39 2001 (#9566)

that is really cool

xxxxx

ps it isnt non-sensical...no more than the real alice book anyway

Re: a poem for yous
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Aug 15 06:39:00 2001 (#9583)

Sharon, I worship Alice because she escappted reality and this poem ... I love it. Thank you so much. Do you mind if I slap it up on my webpage? I'd give you nothing but credit.

Re: a poem for yous
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 15 17:04:59 2001 (#9593)

Beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing. Lots of love

anon..
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 15 00:28:47 2001 (#9568)

dawn brought up the subject of anonymity the other day... heres a few ideas. for your email, insteading of changing it every time some freak gets hold of it, use a redirector. that way, you can stick the addy wherever you like, and just change it whenever you want. all the email is sent through that to your email addy, no-one has to know your email address... www.squashymoon.com was set up for a joke, but im sure the guy who owns it, my only real mate would be happy to give you anything@squashymoon.com also, on the subject of sending emails, im writing a program at the moment to send anonymous emails, nearly finished.. anyone interested ?

hey everyone!!!
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 15 02:43:53 2001 (#9573)

hey everyone!! its been a few days since i have been on and just thought i'd say hi!!! well gotta go!! ttyl luv ya's, heather

"some thing to tell u"*sigh*
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 15 03:08:54 2001 (#9575)

i get nervous everytime i tell some one my "secert"(SI) i think they'll hate me if i tell them i'll scare themm aaway there only 15 like me and thats way to much for them to handle, i think ive lost sooooooo many friends just b/c i cut if i tell this one i'll lose them too...i think this always before i tell them but...i always do in the end...and i always regret it. but not this time when i said "there somwthing i have to tell u dave"...but hes the only one so far thats not said "o look at the time bye linds g2g c-ya when u stop cutting"

before
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 15 03:30:22 2001 (#9579)

i feel home sick all the time even when im at home... does anyone else feel this way im lost in my own home it mite be something else but it feels like home sick ...i want to cry alllll the time and i want things the way they were before..........before i was born

the definiton of tyrannical ignorance
Posted by dreamers crucifix on Wed Aug 15 04:36:07 2001 (#9581)

'if we could prove to you that it was true it would no longer be faith'

the beauty of stupidity is charred in its very own coffin

x

Re: the definiton of tyrannical ignorance
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 15:23:06 2001 (#9591)

"Now faith is the substance of things HOPED for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 I have proven it to myself by the substance and evidence of His moving in my life but I can not prove it to you. It's just my word against yours until you can exercise your own faith. I can just witness of what has happened to me and others that have done the same. Hope you can see it soon.

Re: the definiton of tyrannical ignorance
Posted by jen on Wed Aug 15 23:53:04 2001 (#9622)

can i post that on my web page?

Re: the definiton of tyrannical ignorance
Posted by dreamers crucifix 2 on Thu Aug 16 20:22:07 2001 (#9644)

No

28 Days
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Aug 15 06:35:58 2001 (#9582)

I saw '28 Days' this weekend and I must say BRA-fuckin'-VO! to Susannah Grant who wrote this movie. Here's a little quote, and why I love the author ...

[Gwen, Sandra Bullock, and Andrea, Azura Skye, talking about Andrea cutting herself.]

Gwen: Doesn't it hurt?

Andrea: It feels better.

Gwen: Than what?

Andrea: Everything else.

Re: 28 Days
Posted by Karen on Wed Aug 15 10:27:14 2001 (#9586)

I love it !!! I've spent years trying to justify my pleasure in carving myself in my mind - and you've done it in four lines.

Haven't seen or heard of the movie here in Oz ... will definitely try to find it.

Ciao XXX

Re: 28 Days
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 15 17:10:16 2001 (#9594)

I LOVE 28 Days. And I LOVE that quote. When I first saw the movie I saw it with a group of friends and they thought that quote was hysterical. I sat there in shock of my feelings described in a movie, and really wanted to tell them to shut up and to pull up my sleeve and show them cuts that I had made that morning (but I didn't...but I sure as heck wanted to).

Re: 28 Days
Posted by jen on Wed Aug 15 23:39:19 2001 (#9618)

i love that movie too! when that part cam on my friends were said oh my god how could someone do that to themselves, thats sooo stupid. one of my friends that was their knew about my cutting but everyone else didnt. i guess i know their opinion on the subject. oh well i still love the movie: )

Subtly Silent
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Wed Aug 15 06:50:20 2001 (#9584)

I have stood before the court blood dripping slowly to the floor and been condemned for my malicious acts I unleash unto myself deemed harmful to the mind and body and perhaps even the soul that has long since left me... There is no faith to save me... no hand to hold when I fear my wings collapsing and my crashing to this useless place called the hellish bottom by too many... ironic isn't it?

"In sorrow and in pain there are no safer friends than blades."

Re: Subtly Silent
Posted by jen on Wed Aug 15 23:43:59 2001 (#9619)

wow!! that was really good. could i put it on my web page.i would write your name under both so that you would get the credit. can i pleasE?? luv jen

Re: Subtly Silent
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Wed Aug 15 23:55:46 2001 (#9623)

thank you... certainly... my name is Moridhin Shalakhov... would you consider sending me the address of such a page please...

Yours - Moridhin

Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Wed Aug 15 07:05:19 2001 (#9585)

I am a sinner... never baptized, blasphemous, an Athiest/Vampiric Church, does this mean I am evil? wrong? cannot write poetry? cannot exist? cannot state my opinons? cannot have my anger? cannot cut? I have had some of certain faiths claim I have no right to... quite nice that feeling of being told it is "normal" so slash at your own wrists and shoulders deep enough to see the muscle beneath... I love... I hate... and I see the truth...

Think twice those who choose to reply... about what you are really saying to me... Love poetry amuses me... considering I so hate myself

In the flourish of the fading sun Beneath the pale leaves of autumn Angels sing such lullabys Of beauty much like yours

Clouds float languidly past Flowers turn to face the sky Beneath pale moonlight Beguiled in the depth of your eyes

"We have faced heavy persecution" - Hitler

Re: Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 15:16:05 2001 (#9590)

Kitty you are among friends! We are ALL sinners. Oh how I wish I could conquer sin but it has not happened and the best I can do will not change my nature....but you see, I have accepted a substitute for my wickedness, Jesus Christ. My purpose for living is to fulfill His will for my life. I have much reward as I yield my life to His desires. Satan imitates that....you know, control and submission to his will. It's just that the rewards are completely opposite. You have every right to be who you are. You also have a right to choose God's way but no one can force it on you. I will guarantee you that the results are much different.....we have grace and hope. Satan does not offer either one of those.

Re: Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Wed Aug 15 16:20:04 2001 (#9592)

You did not listen to what I said... I did not wish to be preached to... I wanted an answer...

Re: Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 19:36:00 2001 (#9597)

I answered your question....."Is there truly a purpose?" Yes there is.....to live and glorify God.

Re: Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 15 22:12:45 2001 (#9608)

hmm, i don't want to butt in, but i think im going to. can we just chill a bit please ? sounds like this could get heated. im sure everyone has different views, but there is no need to say things like "satan does not offer that" <-- that depends.. if you worship satan, then i would agree, but i would never say it.. however, real "satanists" worship themselves, sounds selfish i guess.. but hey.. anyway, if you want to follow a religion, as long as it isnt actually hurting someone, what right do they have to complain ? oops, i rambled. sorry for using your message...

Re: Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 15 22:23:39 2001 (#9612)

Kitty,

I think she did answer your question based on her beliefs and the beliefs of many others. This is her purpose in life and is trying to give you hope.

I personally would not agree (but that is the beauty of ideas), so let me tell you what I THINK and you are welcome to tell me I am an idiot if you choose.

Who says you are a sinner? Just because a group of people with a very limited view on life says you are evil by cutting yourself or having "abnormal" feelings, does not mean you have to believe it. It does not freaking matter what other people's perception of you is, it is your own perception that matters.

If your perception is that you will burn in hell for anger and cutting, the rest of your life will be hell. It sounds like you think it already is. I feel the same way.

Do YOU think you are evil for what you do? I don't think so.... My definition of evil is someone who preys on the innocent, abuses children, or kills another. Again I ask: What sin have you committed?

Others may think you are a sinner based on what they have read from a book written by sinful humans, but it doesn't mean you have to believe it.

On the other hand, you asked a question and got an answer. Maybe not the one you wanted, but an answer nonetheless.

And by the way, were you trying to shock people by quoting Hitler? Do you look up to a man who killed many, for no reason at all? Do you know Hitler would have rounded up and gassed all of us on this board because we don't fit in his view of "normal"? He killed many for less.

But, it is your right, your life and your opinion, even if I don't like it. Tell me to go screw...

Anyway, I just crossed the line from trying to be helpful to preachy, so I am going to stop.

And Kitty, please don't stop posting. I haven't seen this much excitement on this board in a while.

Re: Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Thu Aug 16 00:00:02 2001 (#9625)

No... it was the convenience of the quote and I recieved and answer from you... all I got from those who replied otherwise was a picture of thier beliefs and a slap across the right side of my emotional face... thank you for your comment...

Re: Is there truly a purpose..?
Posted by Linda on Thu Aug 16 04:16:07 2001 (#9637)

OH MY, Kitty! My face is red. I would never slap you across your real face OR your emotional face. I am very sorry if it came across that way. You all can be assured that I will NEVER start nor continue a fight! I say what I say because I think it will help, if you are open to it. If you aren't, please ignore! Once again, my apologies!

Smile
Posted by Maggie on Wed Aug 15 13:31:26 2001 (#9589)

I dare all of you to smile at a random stranger today. See what response you get, and how it makes you feel.

:)

Re: Smile
Posted by Nuni on Wed Aug 15 21:14:59 2001 (#9601)

Hi, I do that quite often. alot of times the stranger doesnt know how to react. Others they smile back. You never know that may be the only high light of their day. Good idea MAGS!! Love you!! Nuni

Re: Smile
Posted by *~*::Little Baby Nothing::*~* on Wed Aug 15 21:53:11 2001 (#9605)

i always smile at strangers, its funny to see what they do...most give me funny looks...but thats because i grin rather than smile lol... but im a freak anyways so u know

*~*::Freak on a Leash::*~*

Re: Smile
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 15 22:14:42 2001 (#9609)

tried it, it happened to be an old man and his wife. they were giving me nasty looks coz i have messy spikey hair, and i was riding a bmx, but i smiled and they went .. "oh, how strange.. he doesnt have a bad attitude... weird"

Re: Smile
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 15 22:32:04 2001 (#9613)

i'll take that dare up my dear! i'll do it more then once to!

hey everyone,i'm back!
Posted by Tara on Wed Aug 15 19:10:02 2001 (#9595)

hey guys

just thought i would drop you all a line.some of you don't know me.i am Tara.my mom writes on here.i don't get to come on here as much as i would like to because i work a lot of fucking hours.for the people that do know me i am doing fine.i only wish that my ex would get the hell out of town.i lived here first you know.OH!I got my eyebrow pierced if my mom has not told you guys already.i am going to go and get a tattoo in a couple of weeks to.i can't decide want i want.i have two things in mind.they are hard to explain so i won't even try.hey blackrose and chrisE,you two e-mail me.-k-.it would be really nice to hear from ya.especially you blackrose(sis).to the people who don't know me,you can call on me at anytime that you need.i am here to help.i have been a cutter for 4 years now and know a lot of the shit that people go through.i was raped and i cut and burn also,well used to.i stopped because the scars were very dark and were taking a long time to fade.if my mom has not already told you i have been doing good about not cutting.i have cut once in about the last 8 to 9 months i think.it could be longer or shorter.i am not sure.i have used different things to help me over come my urges to cut and burn.it helped.to a point.but i have a very high tolerance for pain.so they grew old very quick.if you want to know what they are you can just ask me.i will be happy to tell you what they are.also how they helped me for that short while that i used them.i now use writting and keep my hands busy with somethimg like coloring,i know that sounds childish but it works.mabye it might help some of you all.well i gotta jet for now.just wanted to say hi to everyone who knows me and let the people who don't know me that i am here for them.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

The downward sprial
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 15 19:32:54 2001 (#9596)

I really wanted to respond to the thread about god and jesus, but all I could write was venomous drivel, so I didn't.

You see, I am on the downward sprial. I stopped my meds 3 weeks ago because the pills only make me feel worse. Afterone really good week, my cutting has progressed to burning, which is when I know it's bad, because I need more and more physical pain to cover the mental.

I am sick of the fucking pompus doctors who make you go thru the dog and pony show every time I want pills. I am tired of getting no respect.

I also realized that my life will not allow me to be sick. I have 2 mortages, many bills, two cars that decided to break down at the same time and kids and a wife that count on me. If I lose it, not only is my life over, but my familys as well. There is a lot at stake.

So, in a moment of unclarity, I stopped my meds. Now, my arms look like overcooked hamburger helper. But, I cannot afford to be sick. Sometimes there is so much in my head that I want to slam it against the wall until it stops. But, I cannot afford to be sick. I am pretty sure I am going to drive my rental car into a tree on my way home. But, I cannot afford to be sick. I wish it would all go away.

I am 33 years old and have been dealing with this most of my life. If this is living, I don't want any part of it.

But, I am not allowed to be sick.

Re: The downward sprial
Posted by ChrisE on Wed Aug 15 19:57:57 2001 (#9598)

Life can be very cruel and very hard. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I don't have any answers. I think life goes in cycles. At the moment, things are looking pretty black, but you have to try and believe that won't always be the case. maybe you can't control when, but things will look better in the future. At the weekend, I wasn't too keen on seeing another morning. But I did, and things seem better now (for a while). Get all the help you can from any source. The only thing I know for certain is that it doesn't work trying to do it alone. Post here and vent any time, mail me, anything that helps. all the best, just keep trying. chris

Re: The downward sprial
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 15 20:07:29 2001 (#9599)

On top of it all...I spelled spiral wrong....

Re: The downward sprial
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 16 02:46:44 2001 (#9632)

Can you change doctors. Sounds like you got a bad one. Wish I could help you, but I can only support you here on this board. Email me anytime you feel like talking. Please take care. Love, Rhonda

"Preaching" & "Religion"
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 21:16:10 2001 (#9602)

May I ask a question just for my own information? What is your definition of "preaching" and why does it irritate? I have read that "religion" is a trigger.....Why? I really do not understand this at all. It seems to me that people can express their opinions about most any other subject and it has no effect. Why are we able, as humans, to discuss anything except things concerning our eternal souls in an unchallenged way? I do have my own opinion of that but just wondered what others think. And by the way, I have been to other boards but this is the most lenient toward Christian viewpoints. I enjoy and appreciate that.

my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 15 21:49:01 2001 (#9604)

I can't speak for anyone else, but I think everyone should be able to speak his or her mind, no matter what.

I personally have my own problems with organized religion and the things they do in the name of "god", but that does not mean that I begrudge others their faith.

We are all dealing with horrible situations, and if someone’s faith in god helps them get thru the day, I say, MORE POWER TO THEM. The choice to speak those feelings is their right. Don't we live in a country that promises free speech?

Religion sparks extreme feelings in many people, including myself.

Linda, if religion and faith is what helps you get by day after day, excellent. But, I think many of us have had things done to us in the name of god and have a very bad taste towards it. That is why many people get upset if you or others even mention it.

But people, do we really want to chastise someone for their faith? Don't we all struggle day to day with the stigma of what we do to ourselves, and how others react to it? Do we insult someone’s faith or his or her right to talk about it? Do we want to become just like the people who say we cut ourselves for attention or because we are weak?

My definition of ignorance is someone who looks for every excuse to break down what others believe in, just because we don't. I think the beauty of this board is that we have so many different kinds of people and points of view.

And Linda, my definition of preaching is this whole post I just wrote.

Let's be a little more tolerant and try not to be like the rest of ass hairs on this earth.

Keep your head up

Re: my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by ~*~::Little Baby Nothing on Wed Aug 15 22:07:15 2001 (#9606)

I have nothing against others talking about religion, i just enjoy debating and stuff. i like getting my point accross as round where i live sometimes thats a rare thing because the rudeboys and scumbags and all the bitches wont listen. even teachers are full of shit. if ur gonna come to london do it after ur out of education system. anyway my point - i dont have anything AGAINST relgion exactly, well, religious people. i hate religion itself. but i have no problem with people expressing their religion, but ive just got so fucking fed up with keep seeing people sad and getting replies saying "well if u let the power of god into your life, it will get better" because that is such a bunch of fucking bullshit because that is so fucking hypocritical, ur saying that, u obviously have "the power of god in you" so why are u still feeling shit and posting here???? fucking bulshit thats what it is. by the way im not talking about someobdy in particular here, im talking bout lots of ppl here some time ago now and at other places. everywhere i go i fuckin get it. maybe they already have the power of a diffrent god in them? stop contradicting yourselves. if god helped so much u wouldnt be here in the first fuckin place so either admit it or fuck off

Re: my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by *~*:::::freakonaleash:::::*~* on Wed Aug 15 22:11:54 2001 (#9607)

by the way that isnt aimed at whoever i replied to, its just meant to a few ppl some here some other places

Re: my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 15 22:20:12 2001 (#9610)

preaching pisses people off because they are dont understand why people believe/put faith into/put lots of work into/whatever in there religion...

christianity especially, because people think they can see loopholes in it, --- like one person said "god gave us free will to do what we like" and someone else said "god knows what is going to happen to everyone all the time..." so its not neccesarily free will is it, because he has created us and given us a path to follow, wether we choose to or not, we cannot prove it, because we could just say, it was in the path all along, that you would take the wrong turning.. or whatever... --- ..loopholes in it, even if they dont understand them because they havnt read the bible, they dont want to coz they dont believe, yet they are happy to critize... like i just did.. ooops... sorry, had to get that off my mind, but i hope you see my point about the other stuff.

Re: my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 23:50:31 2001 (#9621)

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to share. In response to the comment by one (can't remember which) "why are we here if God has done so much for us?"....well, I came only for information and just couldn't leave. Some of you know that but others do not so that is my explanation of why I am here. I hope to give some light to those who are searching, if you are not then please disregard my posts. I have never posted one thing with a mean spirit or desire to hurt and I never will. Thanks again for helping me understand.

Re: my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 15 23:56:14 2001 (#9624)

." But, I think many of us have had things done to us in the name of god and have a very bad taste towards it. That is why many people get upset if you or others even mention it" I am so sorry...those few sentences hurt me more than you can ever know because I know that you are absolutely right. There have been MANY things done in the name of religion that have been horrible but may I offer one explanation....could it be that there is a terrific battle going on between good and evil and the best way to fight is to imitate and deceive. I believe that to be the case and for that reason I want to combat the deception. Hope you understand.

Re: my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by Maggie on Fri Aug 17 08:49:44 2001 (#9658)

That was a very good response Linda :)

I've had some bad experiences 'in the name of God/religion' too, and I've long been trying to figure out how God lets injustice prevail despite the fact it relates to him.

But you are right... 'imitate and deceive' seems a very logical exlanation. Thanx for the insight, even though you probably have no idea what I'm rambling about.

Re: my two cents- Warning: Extreme preachiness!
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 17 16:33:30 2001 (#9667)

It's a good theory and one based on your faith in your god and religion. I don't believe everyone involved in religion is inherently bad, but there are a few bad apples, just like anything else.

I don't believe in a spiritual battle of good and evil because I think that one cannot exist without the other. I see evil in the things PEOPLE do to each other. On the other hand, I also see good things every day.

My main problem with most people’s idea of god is this: “If God is a God of love, how can he allow horrible things to happen to good people?” I was taught in my young life that any hardship one endures is a test of faith. I would believe in a benevolent being watching over us if I could justify how "god" can let such horrible things happen to his “children”. I would not allow my children to be molested and beaten to test their faith in me as a father. I try to make their lives happy and keep them from harm. I cannot give my faith to a "father" that would allow it.

Just my two cents......again.....

:)

Beware...this one is very preachy! SORRY
Posted by Linda on Sat Aug 18 04:21:07 2001 (#9695)

You know.....so many times we talk about God as being a God of love......BUT....I believe that true love cannot exist without hate......a hatred for the things that would harm the loved one. I think you agree with that. God is more than just "love" as we mean it, I believe. He is holy. To me that represents a being that can not be compromised by sin. God has created us to have free will so that we can CHOOSE to fellowship with Him. He has proven His love by allowing us the choice to sin and then providing a way out of our condemnation. I believe that the horrible things that happen on this earth are a direct result of sin. If God had never provided redemption from the punishment of our sins, then we might be able to point a finger at Him and accuse Him of being unloving. We can't do that. He has provided all that is needed to help us have a fulfilling relationship with Him in this world. He has provided salvation which is justification from our sins, sanctification for our present life and glorification in the future. But not everyone accepts this. I don't believe that is God's fault. I believe that many people want to picture God as One that is loving and kind and in being that always looks down on our every action with a smile and looks over it just because He loves us. That could never be true love. We don't want to be tried and proven...it hurts too bad. There must be discipline to prove love. There are times when I allow my son to make mistakes and suffer the consequenses, not because I hate him but because I DO love him and want him to see the error of his ways before he gets into his habits too deeply. Sometimes that causes chaos in his life but if he will rethink his actions it will help him in the future. I believe that God allows things for that purpose also. I don't believe God rewards our good works with a home in heaven....I believe that our good works are still sinful. If I gave you a drink of cool, clear water with just one drop of poison in it you wouldn't want to drink it. Just so, if our works are done in our own flesh they are tainted by our sinful nature BUT if we by faith accept the work that Jesus did on the cross in paying for that sin, then we can receive the reward of eternal life. From that point forward we work to maintain the fellowship we have with our Heavenly Father. It is so simple that many stumble. It seems logical and resonable that we must do SOMETHING to pay for such a gift..........but don't be deceived. That in itself is arrogance.....the fact that we believe we could possibly do enough to put us in right relationship to a Holy God. I hope my warning in the subject line kept the ones away from this that would be hurt by it. Love to all!

Maggie!
Posted by Linda on Sat Aug 18 04:27:38 2001 (#9696)

Oh girl...your rambling sounded good to me. Thanks for letting me know it helped in any way. Sorry we haven't chatted in a while.

my cent
Posted by Sharon on Sat Aug 18 20:32:17 2001 (#9712)

Linda,

I just wanted to answer your original question about the whole religion thing, though I think everyone that already has did a great job.

I was raised in a church that was very narrowminded, though I refused to see it for years and years. Almost all of my viewpoints were based on what other people told me I should think and feel. I was taught to be judgemental towards the "sinners who were so screwed up that they'd reject God." Not in so many words of course, but thru the actions of those that I was supposed to look up to, the people who were supposed to guide me. It wasn't until maybe a year or so ago that I started seeing things as they were. Several of my friends had left and I knew that they weren't "Leaving the presence of God" though that was what our pastor kept harping on. I started having doubts about the whole thing. I had told one adult about my self injury and I think she told the pastor, but at any rate, he was praying for me during one service and he started saying stuff about my "suicidal thoughts" and I'm here thinking, "ok, when has suicide come into the picture? Cutting keeps me alive at times!" what bothered me the most thuogh, is that he said it right into his mike in front of the entire church, he didn't come to me personally and ask me about it or anything. After that, all the judgemental attitudes that I had once harbored were turned against ME. People, for the sake of their gossip, would come up to me and ask me how I was and say that they "were praying for" me. Everyone started treating me differently because I had a "problem" and thus there was no way God was in my life because "true" Christians can cope, etc etc. After awhile of taking this, I left the church and I vowed I'd never go back. It took me a long time to realize the difference between religion and God. I think many people don't see the dfference and that's why they react the way they do. They've seen what PEOPLE have done to each other and not what God has done for them. Sorry to those who think that is preachy, I don't mean it that way.

Anyway, sorry this was so long, but I thought you'd like to know.

hugs,

Sharon

PS. I wrote a poem about the whole religion thing, I'll post it sometime soon if anyone wants to see it.

I just can't leave it alone....can I?
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 20 01:51:49 2001 (#9743)

"It took me a long time to realize the difference between religion and God."

I think you said it all right there Sharon. I think it is possible to have a great relationship with whatever "god" we believe in, without tainting that relationship with religion. I just think organized religion is like anything else run by humans. Soon or later our human ego takes control and things are done in the name of "religion" and not "god".

This is a great thread. So many times I hear religious people spout off about "god" and expect people to believe it because they can quote a scripture like nobody's business. A lot of the arguments in this thread were based on plain 'ole common sense and intelligent ideas. I love that.

I don't think the argument between those who do and do not believe in a "god" will ever end. I hope not.

When people no longer challenge established ideas and theories, liberty and free will are dead.

And just so you know, I didn't always feel this way. I was taught and believed that my religion was the only path, and those that did not follow it were mislead and would get their comeuppance one day, on the “day of judgment”.

Even the brainwashed can change. It wasn't easy, and I am still not sure I wasn't happier or better off in my narrow world. At least I believed in something. At least I can remember a few happy moments back then.

But, I can never go back. To use a movie comparison, I feel like NEO in The Matrix. Now that I know what the matrix is, I cannot ever convince myself that it is real again.

Sorry…. that last part was really, really stinky cheese. Literary Limburger….

just wanted to add
Posted by *~*::Little Baby Nothing::*~* on Wed Aug 15 22:50:45 2001 (#9614)

"Pieces of us die everyday As though our flesh were hell Such injustice, as children we are told That from God we fell, Where are my angels? Where's my golden one? Where's my hope Now that my heros have gone? Some are being beaten Some are being born And some can't tell The difference anymore Amen"

Those are lyrics to a song and its true. people go on about angels and all that shit, if god wanted us to beleive he'd dop something to prove it. if he could send angels 2001 yrs ago, he can do it today. i could recite so many lines form poems and songs that say how i feel....but i wont becuz itll take 17849578239 pages.

"There are plenty of people who pray for peace But if praying were enough it would have come to be"

i think theres this whole sin thing but if u life ur life by ur own rules, just make sure ur not hurting anyone, then whats the problem?

just wanted to add
Posted by *~*::Little Baby Nothing::*~* on Wed Aug 15 22:50:26 2001 (#9615)

"Pieces of us die everyday As though our flesh were hell Such injustice, as children we are told That from God we fell, Where are my angels? Where's my golden one? Where's my hope Now that my heros have gone? Some are being beaten Some are being born And some can't tell The difference anymore Amen"

Those are lyrics to a song and its true. people go on about angels and all that shit, if god wanted us to beleive he'd dop something to prove it. if he could send angels 2001 yrs ago, he can do it today. i could recite so many lines form poems and songs that say how i feel....but i wont becuz itll take 17849578239 pages.

"There are plenty of people who pray for peace But if praying were enough it would have come to be"

i think theres this whole sin thing but if u life ur life by ur own rules, just make sure ur not hurting anyone, then whats the problem?

k
Posted by Little baby nothing on Wed Aug 15 23:04:13 2001 (#9616)

k i dont know why it went twice...ignore that

how do you explain??
Posted by jes on Wed Aug 15 23:07:11 2001 (#9617)

ok, so i was just looking at some of the pics on here and my lil sister walked in and just kinda stood there, went eugh, and said what the fuck is that??? i tried to explain to her without mentioning myself but all she said was stuff like, why would n e 1 do that? it's stupid, they're wierd. i know i cant expect people to understand but it just upset me to know thatif she knew about me hen she'd be confused and disgusted by ME too. it's bad enough knowing that the poeple who know are hurt by it but knowing that someone, my own sister, would be ashamed of me, just makes me want to cry. ok, so i AM crying. i'm gonna go now. i need to smoke. take care, love jes xx

Re: how do you explain??
Posted by *star* on Sat Aug 18 09:55:56 2001 (#9703)

babe that is so tough, i dont know what to say, i just wanted you to know im here as always if you need me. *star* xx

Unworthy...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Thu Aug 16 00:11:02 2001 (#9626)

To the names of toxicmind and Little Baby Nothing - This board is supposed to claim the glories and defeats at the hands of the blade... not the cross... Your open minds and opinions are valued and respected highly... There is no better conveyor of emotion than poetry... a love for you and for my blood...

On tin ceilings I step carefully

Until you find me and cause me to fall

To my knees I rest hand on heart complacently

Offering my soul as compensation

Simply to look upon you is an honor

Greater than I am worthy of holding

I stand and hold out flowers

That die beneath a rain of tears

As you kiss me in light of passion

I close my eyes in discontented shame

To the beautiful I apologize

My sword flows through my heart

And he said to his flesh - "When I cut you... you bleed... if not I'll cut you again..." Forever yours - Morbid Kitty

Re: Unworthy...
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 17 16:41:12 2001 (#9668)

I apoligize if I was being preachy the last few days, but as someone said before, I love a good debate. It takes my mind off of things.

Great poem...I wish I had the talent. I can write a little but poetry has always escaped me. I've always wanted to sing too, but when I do, it sounds like hedgehogs being beaten.

Sorry PETA..........

:)

wtf do i do now
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 16 00:21:58 2001 (#9627)

these two mates of mine, i spent ages tracking them down last time i lost them, and now they both ignore me. i just spent half an hour trying to get one of them to talk to me, and he just wouldnt. i happen to know he has been chatting to other people, so why just ignore me ? and at the same time as my other "friend" ?? the last thing i heard from the other guy, was "how are you?" "shit as usual.. u?" "why do i even bother" and thats it, he has just ignored me ever since.. i cant do anything right, i manage to lose 2 friends, (i now have 1 left), in one night, just by existing. why ?

Re: wtf do i do now
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 16 00:29:18 2001 (#9628)

actually, changed my mind fuck it, im not going to post here any more i cant do anything right, i havnt actually posted anything that has helped anyone, in anyway imaginable... yeah yeah your all thinking, attention seeking, but i dont care what you think, i just wanted to say bye, dunno why

Re: wtf do i do now
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 16 02:56:02 2001 (#9634)

If you want to leave, that's okay. I can't stop you. But if you ever want someone to talk to, remember my email and write me sometime. I care about you. Love, Rhonda

celebrate
Posted by Only living boy in new york on Thu Aug 16 00:53:14 2001 (#9630)

just to say i haven't cut or hurt myself in six weeks i'm quite pleased with myself just thought i'd share it

Re: celebrate
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 16 02:54:41 2001 (#9633)

Way to go!!! Stay strong. If you ever need to talk to someone, just email me, Okay? Love, Rhonda

please make it stop
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 16 03:34:18 2001 (#9635)

I need to make the pain stop. I need it to go away. It won't ever go away. Why do I feel like this? Please I need it all to stop. Make it stop. Make it go away. Oh, God...

Re: please make it stop
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 16 23:28:55 2001 (#9650)

Whenever you have a problem, just email me. I would do anything to make the pain go away, but I can't. Wish I could. Please hang in there. I know I can't begin to understand, but I don't want anything to happen to you. Write me, okay? Love ya, Rhonda

sad
Posted by linzee on Thu Aug 16 03:55:55 2001 (#9636)

today my friend asked " why dou cut ur self again" and i said" i dunno ive been cutting to lonto remember" its not oflash backs i have nothign to flash back on. isnt that sad i dont remember why i cut

Re: sad
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Thu Aug 16 06:03:34 2001 (#9639)

Memories are in the mind... emotions are in the heart... it is these emotions that provoke the blade... if it seems wrong... it doesn't matter... if it feels right then it is... the mind misleads but the heart never lies...

Forever there is contemplation...
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Thu Aug 16 05:30:02 2001 (#9638)

Lost in pools of agony suffering bitter defeat at my own hands the torrent of anger rushes past and through me the once calm waters riddled with maelstroms... the noose slips down from concealment inviting is the dance with dead... to finally find warmth and purpose in life... to end the useless masquerade... to dance beneath the azure sky and revel in the light mists... to hear the blade rend my flesh and feel cold blood caress me... this is my sanctuary... forever is it dead

who am I?
Posted by lys on Thu Aug 16 06:13:55 2001 (#9640)

well, the facts I know, I am a 17 yr old white female, tall, scarred and not as pretty as I once thought. I am tired, bags under the eyes and a dragging in my heart that nothing can make better anymore. I have been cutting less, but doing more drugs, smoking pot pretty much every second day. I don't know what to do. I mean, I would prefer cutting to drugs, but with the heat I cannot cut because my foster mom will see the marks. And drugs last longer, but I can't get the as often as I need, too expensive and I am not able to hide them in case of room searches. Last night I cut. I figured out a bit more what cutting does for me. It stops me from dissociating, and I feel less anxiety after, so I can sleep. It gives me a sense of pride, because it marks all of the battles I have survived, and it almost gives proof to my feelings for other people. Sometimes though, I use it to make myself dissociate, because then I don't have to feel the emotions at the moment. pot makes me dissociate, and when it is intentional, both with pot and cutting, it feels good. I am completely free from everything. I like that.

anyways, take care, sorry for this possibly irrelevant rant!

lyssie

Re: who am I?
Posted by sara on Fri Aug 17 03:32:00 2001 (#9653)

who are you, you ask? you are who you are. thats all there is to it. email me if ya want...

sara

Re: who am I?
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 17 16:59:02 2001 (#9670)

Why would you prefer cutting to smoking pot?

Okay, sure, some very uninformed people made it illegal, but that does not soil the fact that pot is a very therapeutic drug. Don’t take my word for it: http://www.rxmarihuana.com (Web site for a Harvard professor who advocates the use of pot for medical reasons, please don't go there if you are under 18, I am not your parents.... don’t listen to me)

But, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that everyone here should start sparking. It is still illegal unfortunately, and like alcohol, I think you should be an adult to make the decision for yourself. Sound contradictory? I am not sure...

Also, pot can have horrible interactions with other prescriptions, which I think most of us take. I personally do not smoke pot right now.... but that is my choice. I reserve the right to burn one off whenever I choose.

And everyone...please don't use the argument that it is morally wrong because in Genesis 1:12 is says something to this effect:

"I have given all of the seeds and plants for you to use..."

More to the point: lys...you said pot makes you feel good.... what is wrong with that? How often can you truly say that you feel good? Just don't overdo it...You said that when you smoke you are free from everything...is that not why we are all here?

Just my two cents...let the shit-storm begin!....

falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by *Poi§on on Thu Aug 16 18:45:10 2001 (#9641)

I can not hel pthe way i feel. i try to pull myself out of it. but the feelings just come back to haunt me. Hi. My name is Amanda, I was a part of this group about six or seven months ago, and stopped comming due to parental issues. (don't we all love those) I was Cheze2 if any of you remember. I remember some of you, lys, linda, jes, *me* but the rest seem to be precious new faces among our tortured world. i'm sorry if i seem...arrogant, i don't mean to, i just want to say hi. and i hope that i will be accepted once again into this loving community. i'll give you all an update of what's been going on with me lately. if you don't wanna hear it i will end this part of the message now.

Love,Peace, and Chicken Grease! Amanda

ok..In February, i went to a psych hosp. for 3 weeks because of my cutting. as usual they didn't do shit, and i only succeded in pissing them off by sneaking in razors to harm myself with...(i had no intention of stopping then and wanted to prove that to the world) so, to get out of there and not be locked up in my room which they took everything out of so they could search it better, i made a promise with my dad i would try and stop etc. that lasted about 2 weeks, and i continued cutting. The hospital Referred me to a DBT group near where i live, and i have been currently going to that every wednesday. It is a 16 wek program and in the beginning i just got worse, to the point where i was about to go into the hospital again, stitches almost every other week, etc. it was hard on my parents, but i suppose they just lived with it. i feel really bad for all of the stuff i made them go through. but anywayz. i was put on different meds. (i was on depakote ER and effexor XR) and they added wellbutrin to that, and i started feelling a little of a change. like when i wanted to be depressed, or when i normally would be depressed and want to cut it wouldn't let me get down that low, and i hated it at first. i wanted to be depressed and just have everyone leave me alone. but then i got my head out of my ass and started using the skills they taught me in group etc. and things gradually got better. i stopped cutting for four months. and i was being more active with my family, and at work. things were looking good. but lately they just havent been up to par. i've been getting more depressed again, and thankfully i just saw my psychiatrist and he upped my wellbutrin. but it hasn't worked yet. (well my parents haven't gotten it yet) but last night i had a breakdown. My bestfriend in the world, the guy i want to marry has been really distant lately and i'm worried about him to death, he won't talk to me, and he's not his happy go lucky self. and to top that off, my mom wants me to go to my uncle's small island this weekend to go camping, and i forgot that i had to go until she called on monday. so i called work wednesday and told them i couldn't go sat. or sun. cause of my mom, and i couldn't work Thurs. because i had an appt with my counselour. (which i NORMALLY have off, but they had to switch it just this week) and they were like..ok. but then my mom called me that night and said she wanted to pick me up friday, and what do ya know, i was scheduled to work then too! so i was just talking to my dad and i was like O, i have to take friday off too now cause my mom wants to pick me up. and he's like HELL NO YOU AREN"T TAKING ANOTHER DAY OFF. so he called my mom and after me saying that it's my job and i should be able to do things as i see fit, weather or not it is the right thing to do. so he's liek well it's my job as a parent to teach you to be responsible and do the right things. so, he got all pissy and he was like, i can't stop you from making your choice about your job, but if you do take fri. off, your're grounded and can't goto the island. where on the other hand you can work, and then i will drive you up there and your mother will have the tent setup etc. allready. so you don't have to worry. and i was like, no. so i just spent the rest of the night in my room. and i ended up cutting (with a pin cause i didn't have anything else) for the first time in 4 months. i think instead of doign either of those suggestions, i'm just going to quit. i'll go out today, but a nice supply of razors and some drammamine, and just stay sedated in my room cutting. i just cna't take life anymore. i'm at the end of my rope. i'm sorry for putting all this on you guys but i just had to get it out. thank you for listening.

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease ~Amanda~

p.s. anyone remember Moridhinn? or strider(colin) what happened to them??????

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by *Poi§on on Thu Aug 16 18:46:28 2001 (#9642)

holy crap i wrote a lot :)

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 16 19:52:26 2001 (#9643)

Welcome back to the board! I remember an Amanda...did you actually POST under cheze2 or something else? Anywho it doesn't really matter...things get crappy and things can get better it's all just a vicious cycle. Just be careful when you cut.

As for Strider (Colin), ummm....I'm trying to remember where he went...I don't know. He obviously left (wow, brilliant comment from me there haha), but I don't remember why. So many people come and go here, and the reasons get lost in my head.

Take care and be safe. Lots of love.

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by *Poi§on on Thu Aug 16 20:34:12 2001 (#9646)

yeah i posted under Cheze2 and Amanda, but there was another amanda too! lol confusing isn't it?!!! o well, back to my self loathing :) byes!

love, peace and chicken grease!! ~Amanda~

Ninety percent of everything is crap-Theodore Sturgeon

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by jes on Thu Aug 16 21:55:00 2001 (#9648)

hey, erm, i dunno if maybe there was another jes on here cos i've only been coming here for about a month or so. So, i dunno, just thought i'd say. love jes (the new one)

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by Linda on Thu Aug 16 21:57:38 2001 (#9649)

Hey Amanda......Glad to see you back. I believe Colin(Strider) went into the military. I think he is still in contact with Maggie, not sure about that though. As for the other name, I never knew her before but I think she is posting as Morbid Kitty now. Could be wrong.

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by Amanda on Thu Aug 16 23:40:49 2001 (#9651)

hey, i remember when you were here as cheze2. i used to post as lost and lonly, i dont know if you remember me. colin did indeed go into the army, he wont have a computer for a while he said. its a terrible shame he left but it was something he had to do for himself.

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by Morbid Kitty on Fri Aug 17 07:34:47 2001 (#9655)

I would be Moridhin... quite nice isn't it...

Re: falling into a puddle of my own blood
Posted by Maggie on Fri Aug 17 09:34:08 2001 (#9662)

I remember you... from your quirky little sign-off line 'Love, Peace and Chicken Grease'. I love it...

Sounds like you had a rough time while you were away from the board. But I know it seems easy for you to give up now, after having fought for so long to get better, and when it starts to improve, some obstacles come in your way. But can you honestly say that right now is the worst that it's ever been??? Have all these months that you spent making your life work better been a complete waste of time, so that everything you have achieved is now gone??

Well it sounds to me like you are having a small setback, but that you have gone a long way in getting back on your feet in the last few months, and that it's stupid to be a defeatist when you are over the worst!!!

Anyway... hope you feel better soon, and don't go too hard on the blades and sedation, you'll just feel worse later.

Strider went to work in a quarry for a while and then got accepted into the army, at which point I lost touch with him. I hope to be able to locate him soon... coz I miss him!!!

Hope you stick around!!! Take care, Maggie.

You all RULE:)
Posted by *Poi§on on Fri Aug 17 17:55:34 2001 (#9675)

hey! thanks everyone for all of your love and support. you're right maggie, this isn't tthe worst it's been. and what i have achieved isn't gone. it's still there. :) i still made it four months! woohoo for me! and woohoo for everyone who could ever resist any temptation to hurt themselves!!! i suppose that i just have to try and get back on the horse! TRY anywayz! :) but that's all i can do! and sorry jes, :) maybe there was another one:) but still HI!!! and Linda, Moridhinn was a guy :) lol :) he had great poetry. *sigh* i think i loved him in some sort of awkward way. o well! THANK YOU!!

Love, Peace, and chicken Grease!!! ~Moi~

noticed?
Posted by *~*::Freak On A Leash::*~* on Thu Aug 16 20:26:31 2001 (#9645)

notice how dawn...overcoming havs gone very quiet? id be interested to hear his/her views

just to..
Posted by Charlotte on Thu Aug 16 21:47:35 2001 (#9647)

say hi to everyone seeing as i havent been here for a couple of days. how is everyone doing? i hope youre all ok. lots of love to you all, tomorrow i go on holiday to Crete with two friends from work. then i go to reading festival for 2 days, and THEN i have to go for an assessment at a self injury clinic. thing is, i know i really really need the help this place can provide me with but it means missing school and not doing my A levels this year and not getting to see my friends much and stuff, with no actual guarantee itll be the kind of thing to help me. so im going to be childish and make it so they wont take me. im going to be everything im not. talkative, chatty, smiley, friendly, open im going to wear short sleeves and im not going to have cut myself for 10 days and im going to say it was easy for me not to do that because i was happy and i didnt need to and i feel great and THEN they wont accept me. silly i know.. but what are my other options?? anyways im going to go off now dont forget me.. ill be back ;-)

lots and lots of love to all (((((safe hugs))))) Charlie xxx

Re: just to..
Posted by *poi§on on Fri Aug 17 18:00:41 2001 (#9676)

hey charlie. Other options...tell the truth? how do you know that you won't make new friends there? that will be able to support you? your current friends will still be there when u get back, and when u visit. and they will be glad to see you seeking help for yourself. why play the game of cat and mouse and make it harder on yourself? unless you don't really want help. if i was the person who was doing the assessment. i would take you in anyways. but the system isn't too smart. they are stupid fish. they always bite the hook. i won't lie about that. but is that really to your own benefit???

love, Peace, and Chicken grease! ~Amanda~

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