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Threads 2301 to 2350

so they know.
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Aug 4 15:27:42 2001 (#9268)

Made the mistake of going out last night. Things took an ugly turn in a couple of ways. The trivial way is that I woke up in an ambulance and spent the night getting my skull x-rayed, looks like someone kicked the shit out of me. No memory of what happened, was in an odd mood, probably my fault.

The bad way is that at least two people have seen my left arm. Don't know why the subject arose, I do remember showing them. Fucking idiot. Jacquie said she's known for ages and we had a massive row about it. Her boyfriend killed himself a couple of years ago, she was relating everything back to that. Steve went the other way, all sympathetic and caring. Either way is bad. Don't know what to do about this. Do I just pretend nothing happened? Or should I talk to them about it? Or do I avoid them for the rest of my life?

Can't fucking believe this happened. This is gonna complicate things so much. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfu ckfuckfuck don't know what to do.

Re: so they know.
Posted by sara on Sat Aug 4 17:25:55 2001 (#9269)

yeah, someone found out for me too. it was my flute proffessor, although she didn't do anything b/c she said that she wanted me to do something about it first. so i was ok about that last week.

but, this week i went to my high school's band camp b/c they needed a flute player who could play the solo for a contest next week. anyway, someone who was on staff that i had marched with asked me if i hurt myself and if i eat. so i said yes, i mean i couldn't exactly say no. and then stuff came out...yeah, it was bad. anyway, since she is an employee of the school, they told one of the counslers..and i don't know what will happen.

two of my most trusted teachers now know, and i too do not know if i should just go on with my life or just or talk about it...everytime i saw the teacher she told, i cringed and looked down. and the person i told, cried and keeps watching me to see if i eat or cut...so i don't know what to do either...but maybe you should talk about it, not specifics, but some, i mean, one of my friends ingnored the fact and i knew that i could never talk to her about it...but if you do talk, find a quiet place....good luck, email me if ya want, sara

Re: so they know.
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 19:53:50 2001 (#9278)

I showed my friends b4 toOo...I didn't mean to..but 1 week l8er it was all over school and I'm now known as "Slice'n'Dice"! cute nickname....NOT! sry! u might wanna talk to ur friends about it...when I showed my friends I didn't say ne thing...so they didn't understand and kinda talked about it w/other ppl but not me! u gotta explain to them y u do it...get um to understand and not tell...that's ur choice! *hugs* Christine

Re: so they know.
Posted by Maggie on Sun Aug 5 10:18:36 2001 (#9290)

Poor you!!! Were you drunk last night when you got your head kicked in? How is it feeling today?

About your friends... just remember that everyone has different ways of coping when they find out a friend self-injures. With Jacquie you could probably let things lie, because if she never confronte you before, and she knew all along, then it's probably a hint that she can't deal with it, despite the fact she probably really cares for you.

If Steve is really supportive, why not try confide in him? It's always good to have someone (non-SIer) to talk to, and if he has shown himself to care, then he's probably a good bet.

That's how I would deal with your situation, but it's up to you. Don't worry too much that other people know... what can you lose anyway? If you lose their friendship over it, they are not worth it.

Take care, Luv Maggie.

Re: so they know.
Posted by toxicmind on Mon Aug 6 19:34:48 2001 (#9308)

I am very secretive about my scars and cuts, but sometimes situations cannot be controlled. I may have written about this before (my memory and concentration are not so good these days), but I had an experience where a large group of people all saw my arms.

I was at a dinner/meeting with about 10 other people and after they had consumed a lot of wine, they somehow got on the subject of SI. I would never tell them about my secrets outright or show them my scars, but I did my best to control the ignorance flying about.

(I still remember this like it happened yesterday) Someone said: "I had a friend who used to cut her arms"

Then, my well-meaning, but misguided boss reached over and lifted my sleeve and proclaimed to the whole table: "Oh, like this?"

You could have cut the tension with my razor blade. Inside, I was freaking out. But, I remained calm. I figured it would not be good to lose my mind in a crowded resturant.

Later, I explained to him how I felt about what he did and told him that if he ever did it again I would punch him in the neck.

I never denied it, and no one ever brought it up. I am very surprised because I had just carved a huge A (anarchy symbol) in my arm. It was freaky.

Since you are probably saying, "just get to the fucking point", the moral is:

Don't avoid it, don't let them pity you and be honest. Screw them if they can't take a joke...

Re: so they know.
Posted by Emma on Sat Aug 11 15:55:01 2001 (#9470)

Chris Hunney, Thanx for the mail the other day. Hows it goin? Are you feeling any better? You poor thing, please mail me soon and let me know. Love Always Emm xxx

POEM
Posted by /\/\ily BuffPuff on Sat Aug 4 19:03:55 2001 (#9272)

COFFIN ALIVE Always down in this lonesome room My eyes crawl over the sides And peer to the windows, But cannot look out to all.

Shifting down in this tiresome basement My fingers reach for the knob And feel the holy wood, But will not turn it.

More more down in this shut in hall My nose detects the wafting aroma And breaths to collect a hint, But shall not inhale the flowers.

Dieing down in this tiny tunnel My heart can sense the emotion beyond And sends out a string to latch on, But refuses to abound in the joyous mood.

Laying in this pathetic box My soul rots to touch you And breaks a barrier just too late, But dies abjected, abhorred, abandoned.

All this I did to myself… -/\/\ily BuffPuff

Re: POEM
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 19:57:44 2001 (#9279)

that was good! u got ne more? I'd like to hear it if u do! *hugs* Christine

Re: POEM
Posted by Maggie on Sun Aug 5 10:05:22 2001 (#9288)

That's real powerful poetry you have written. I'm hoping this is inspired by a nightmare rather than a fantasy.

Keep up the writing... you got a talent!

Re: POEM
Posted by /\/\ily on Sun Aug 12 08:32:15 2001 (#9485)

Not fantasy. Not a nightmare. More like an abstract interpretation of my fear to live. I live in my self made cage, and while I sense all the happiness around me, I'm never fully part of it.

Anyone heard from emm?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 4 19:36:24 2001 (#9275)

Has anyone heard from Emm? The last post she wrote she said she had taken 40 pills. I'm hoping someone found her and helped her. If anyone does hear from her, please let me know. thanks. Love, Rhonda

Re: Anyone heard from emm?
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 20:20:15 2001 (#9280)

Rhonda, I haven't heard from her yet...I sent her a few e-mails but still no response! if someone found her they probly put her in a hospital or something...trying to look on the bright side that she's ok! *hugs* Christine

Re: Anyone heard from emm?
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 5 04:01:34 2001 (#9284)

An Emma replied to a post from Karen titled, How do u know if you're crazy. I don't know if it's the same Emma tho.....

GOD DAMN IT! y can't they stop fighting..just stop
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 22:19:47 2001 (#9281)

what the hell is wrong w/my stupid parents....all they do is fight none stop!!! they r driving me completely nuts and my mom swears she's gonna leave AGAIN...and everytime she does...she comes 1 step closer to actually walking out of my life!!! I hate this...y does everything have to be soOo hard...my mom wont let me take my meds either cuz she says I'm ok....but what's ok about me??? I cut more often, I have a better I'm fine "mask"...my cuts r worse and everything gets me pissed off! I wanna stay w/my friend but she's not home for another week and I can't last another friggin week like this! they make everything 10 times harder than it is...on everything and everyone!!! I just wanna leave this stupid place or fall asleep and never wake up! I g2g! *hugs* b*bye Christine

Re: GOD DAMN IT! y can't they stop fighting..just
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 5 04:06:44 2001 (#9285)

Christine, hang in there! I don't know what it's like with parents fighting, but I do know that my mom and I fight a LOT, and she's actually threatened to leave and never come back again...she's never actually done it but she's threatened.

Do you have ne other friend that would let you stay with them? What I do when I can't take my house is I go to my room and shut the door and listen to music or write in my diary, or I call someone. Even if you can't tell the person what's going on, just hearing my friend's voice helps me a lot, and it takes my mind off things for a little bit (tho it doesn't always work, there are many times I'll be talking on the phone and cutting at the same time......) Ok well I don't know what exactly to tell you, but hang in there bc I know you're a strong girl!

Take care and be safe. I'm here if you need nething. Lots of love

Re: GOD DAMN IT! y can't they stop fighting..just
Posted by Tara on Mon Aug 6 01:57:50 2001 (#9298)

Christine, Sorry about your parents. I know some of them can act like 2 year olds. Being a parent makes me feel sorry for them, cause they don't see what they are doing to their own kids. Do you watch Oprah by any chance? There is this guy on there on Tuesdays. His name is Dr. Phil. While he mostly talks about relationships between adults, he has talked about what happens when kids see their parents fighting. He said, "when you fight in front of the kids, you change who they are" That made a lot of sense to me cause to me, it's a sign of disrespect to your children. He's got a couple of books out but I don't remember the names of them. He basically told these parents to wake up and get real if they thought that they weren't hurting their kids. Seems like that is what your parents are doing to your and your siblings. I wish I could offer you a quick solution to your problem but I can't. I also don't understand how come your mom won't let you take meds!! God, that's the first thing I thought of for Tara. She needs them for right now. I hope that later on she'll be able to stop taking them, but that will be on her own time table. If it would help to write your parents, I would, but I think you've told me it wouldn't help. I can only offer you my prayers and hope that you can hang on. I'm right here if you ever want to talk. By the way, we both loved the card. Thanks. Love ya, Rhonda

Poetry
Posted by Sharon on Sat Aug 4 23:06:34 2001 (#9282)

Hi everyone,

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Sharon and I used to come to this board. Right now I'm taking some "me time" and trying to quit and stuff. Anyway, I've been doing pretty good lately. I wrote a couple poems the other day and thought that maybe some one could relate.

The Circus

Select the color from my palette. - Load the brush with pigment - and proceed to paint my face - with a happy smile. - A happy smile to hide my frown. - Cuz who wants a sad clown? - Pick out a red - polka dotted tie, - to match my green striped shirt. - Crazy outfit to make me smile, - a happy smile to hide my frown. - Cuz who wants a sad clown? - Shoes that are two sizes large. - A plastic flower to - squirt out water, - and make them laugh. - Laugh to help me forget my frown. - Cuz who wants a sad clown? - Store these tears in a bottle - and toss it out to sea. - A poor attempt to forget - this salty memory. - Smile to hide I'm down. - Cuz who wants a sad clown? - Twist balloons into - crazy dream and nightmare shapes. - A menagerie of helium animals - bring a smile to my face. - A happy smile to hide my frown. - Cuz who wants a sad clown? - Wield a paintbrush - and draw a silly smile on - a two year old's cheek. - A painted smile like my own. - A happy smile to hide my frown. - Cuz who wants a sad clown? - Wave in exxagerated motion as - I mime my way out of a box. - A smile and elaborate bow - for the approving crowd. - A happy smile to hide my frown. - Cuz who wants a sad clown? - Store these tears in a bottle - and toss it out to sea. - A poor attempt to forget - this salty memory. - Smile to hide I'm down. - Cuz who wants a sad clown?

This next one might be a bit triggering, so if anyone is feeling the urge to cut right now, please, PLEASE be careful.

New Made Cuts

Wipe the blood away from this new bleeding cut. - Wash the residual crimson from my arm. - Wince at the sting, cry at the reminder. - Then pull my mask back on, pull my sleeves back down and go greet the world. - Smile for them from behind the bars of the cage they locked me into. - Their faces contort in screaming anger because my smile twisted the wrong way on my aching cheek. - Somehow it always ends this way; - me in the wrong with my blood dripping down the edge of the gleaming knife they put into my hand. - Wince at the sting, cry at the reminder. - Then pull my mask back on, pull my sleeves back down, and go greet the world. - They look past me. - They look at me with disappointment shining from their eyes. - They ask me how I came to be, as if they don't remember the day they made me. - The day they haphazardly stripped off the parts of me they wanted, - and threw away what remained because it didn't measure up. - I try to shed this skin, - I try to drain away the blood taht makes up the me that can never be good enough. - Wince at the sting, cry at the reminder. - Then pull my mask back on, pull my sleeves back down and go greet the world. - I become mechanical, - a smile pasted on my face for the mobs that refused to watch me cry and somehow still find fault with the way I smile. - I can't win. - I can't fight. - It would only give them all the more reason to point and whisper and laugh in a tone that implies secrecy but purposely holds enough volume for me to hear. - I try to drown their laughter with my blood. - Wince at the sting, cry at the reminder. - Then pull my mask back on, pull my sleeves back down, and go greet the world.

Sorry to long, stay safe.

hugs to all,

Sharon

Re: Poetry
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 23:53:56 2001 (#9283)

hey hun, welcome back!! those were good poems...keep posting! k ?*hugs* Christine

Re: Poetry
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 5 04:10:39 2001 (#9286)

Sharon, it's good to hear from you again!! Both of those poems were really really good. I am printing them out right now. I'd love to hear more!!

Take care. Lots of love

Re: Poetry
Posted by Maggie on Sun Aug 5 10:10:21 2001 (#9289)

WOW! That second poem makes me feel like crying... I think most of us could relate to those words. For me, that's a concise summary of my world too.

Welcome back... hope you hang around. Take care of yourself.

Luv Maggie.

lys???
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Aug 5 05:10:09 2001 (#9287)

Hey, you still here? I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I hope that the dissociation isn't too out of hand. Take care, ok?

Re: lys???
Posted by linzee on Sun Aug 5 19:10:50 2001 (#9291)

i think that she left the board but im not sure if u back a few weeks u could probley see if she said good bye

what is wrong with me?
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 5 20:23:45 2001 (#9292)

I don't know what is the matter with me. I feel so absolutely terrible right now. I keep crying. All I have done last night and today is sit in my room and cry. I can't take living this way. I can't take my life this way. I hate myself and I hate all of this crap that is my life. And I don't know what to do to make it better. I want to make the pain go away, someone help me make it go away. Go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away

Re: what is wrong with me?
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Aug 5 22:42:21 2001 (#9294)

Hang in there sweeitie, it will get better.

Re: what is wrong with me?
Posted by black rose on Mon Aug 6 01:42:14 2001 (#9296)

*me*, nothing is wrong w/u hun! ur loved by alot of ppl!! and I'm always...ALWAYS here if u need me for ne thing AT ALL!!! k? *hugs* Christine

Re: what is wrong with me?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 6 02:00:37 2001 (#9299)

Hold on honey, it will get better in time. A lot of people here are saying a prayer for you. We care about you. Write me if you need someone to talk to. Love ya, Rhonda

Lyrics I relate to
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 5 20:28:21 2001 (#9293)

From the new Staind CD:

Fade:

I try to breathe Memories overtaking me I try to face them but the thought is too Much to conceive

I only know that I can change Everything else just stays the same So now I step out of the darkness That my life became 'cause

I just needed someone to talk to You were just too busy with yourself You were never there for me to Express how I felt I just stuffed it down Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made

So where were you When all this I was going through You never took the time to ask me Just what you could do

For You:

To my mother, to my father, It's your son or it's your daughter, Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me? Should I turn this up for you?

I sit locked inside my head Remembering everything you've said This silence gets us nowhere! Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me I need someone here to help me But you don't know how to listen And let me make my decisions

'Cause I sit here locked inside my head remembering everything you've said The silence gets us nowhere! Gets us nowhere to fast!

All your insults and your curses make me feel like I'm not a person And I feel like I am nothing but you made me so do something 'Cause I'm fucked up because you are Need attention, attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head Remembering everything you've said This silence get us nowhere! Gets us nowhere way to fast

Re: Lyrics I relate to
Posted by black rose on Mon Aug 6 01:47:57 2001 (#9297)

aww...e-mail or IM me ne time u need to talk or ne thing! I'm usually on for hours (I have a very boring life)! I'm here for u! *hugs* Christine

Re: Lyrics I relate to
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Aug 6 02:09:57 2001 (#9300)

Hey, Tara likes those songs too. Her uncle Rusty took her to KATTFEST in OKC on July 4th and she got to see STAIND.She had a blast. Of course, my brother likes that kind of music also, so him and Tara get along real well. That is what she listens too when she is feeling down. Just thought you'd like to know that someone else enjoys that music. Take care. Love, Rhonda

speaking of lyrics you relate to...
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Mon Aug 6 03:24:26 2001 (#9301)

These are som lyrics I relate to, those ones you posted make alot of sense :)

hugs

Stay Beautiful by the manics street preachers

Find your faith in your security All broken up at seventeen Jam your brain with broken heroes Love your masks and adore your failure

We're a mess of eyeliner and spraypaint DIY destruction on Chanel chic In the culture of consumption This is a culture of destruction

Don't wanna see your face Don't wanna hear your words Why don't you just...

Don't wanna see your face Don't wanna hear your words Why don't you just...

Babes on the run with poisoned lips Wrap your arms around this everlasting kiss Clinging to your own sense of waste All we love is lonely wreckage

Your school your dole and your chequebook dreams Your clothes your suits and your pension schemes Now you say you know how we feel But don't fall in love cos we hate you still

Don't wanna see your face Don't wanna hear your words Why don't you just...

Don't wanna see your face Don't wanna hear your words Why don't you just..

Destroyed by madness, ooh yeah Destroyed by madness, ooh yeah Destroyed by madness, ooh yeah Anxiety is freedom [freedom, freedom]

Re: speaking of lyrics you relate to...
Posted by andy on Sun Aug 12 22:39:32 2001 (#9496)

faster by the manic street preachers I hate purity, hate goodness I don't want virtue to exist anywhere I want everyone corrupt

I am an architect, they call me a butcher I am a pioneer, they call me primitive I am purity, they call me perverted Holding you but I only miss these things when they leave

I am idiot drug hive, the virgin, the tattered and the torn Life is for the cold made warm and they are just lizards Self-disgust is self-obsession honey and I do as I please A morality obedient only to the cleansed repented

I am stronger than Mensa, Miller and Mailer I spat out Plath and Pinter I am all the things that you regret A truth that washes that learnt how to spell

The first time you see yourself naked you cry Soft skin now acne, foul breath, so broken He loves me truly this mute solitude I'm draining I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing

Sleep can't hide the thoughts splitting through my mind Shadows aren't clean, false mirrors, too many people awake If you stand up like a nail then you will be knocked down I've been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else

I am stronger than Mensa, Miller and Mailer I spat out Plath and Pinter I am all the things that you regret A truth that washes that learnt how to spell, learnt to spell

So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything So damn easy to cave in, man kills everything

Re: speaking of lyrics you relate to...
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Mon Aug 13 22:49:33 2001 (#9522)

ahhhhh, manics, I love them ..... just thought I'd add that, lol, ya, I'm having a happy moment here.... very rare

greeting Everyone plez read
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Mon Aug 6 06:06:36 2001 (#9302)

In my mail today on another address I use for greeting card I clicked on a greeting card and what to share it with everyne.

http://www.goodtimes2.c om/what.htm

Re: greeting Everyone plez read
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 7 03:20:44 2001 (#9318)

thank you

I can't take this
Posted by Erica on Mon Aug 6 06:45:46 2001 (#9303)

Hi All, I am soo frustrated. All today I've been thinking about overdosing. I'm about ready to go mad. They released from hospital a week ago(i was only in for 4 days). I have tried cutting and it hasn't helped, I've been trying the elastic band thing to distract myself, and all I'm getting as a result is a red wrist. I don't know if I can do this much longer. I am going to try and make it through the night without overdoseing. I even bought fish so that I would have something there that relies on me, but all I feel is added pressure now. Aurgh I hate this. I wish it would end.

erica

i made it!
Posted by Erica on Mon Aug 6 18:53:05 2001 (#9307)

I am soo happy! I made it through last night without overdosing. Yippee. Unfortunately I do have a couple new cuts, but I'm still alive.Now time to see if I will make it through another day.

Erica

Re: i made it!
Posted by black rose on Mon Aug 6 19:44:45 2001 (#9311)

Erica, I'm happy u made it thru last night and I hope u can do the same 2night! Take care of urself and e-mail me if u need to! *hugs* Christine

P L E Z R E A D
Posted by Dawn....Overcoming-1 on Mon Aug 6 08:21:49 2001 (#9304)

As a person diagnosed with BPD I know that we have trouble with everything being black or white. the book I have talks of how when we are living in the white life is doable, good, perfect.....well my life is good, my mood is good, my knees are shot, but that is only body,,,,after falling down as many times as I have I am thankful to still being alive, falling down stairs on top of a mattress, and being lucky enough for the front door to be shut, I can live with the aches and pains, and after doing the splits on an icy stairway, I am thankful only my knees and shoulders suffered injury, I could have broken my neck and be totally paralized, and yet I was still in the pit, the pit and paralyxed wouldn't have been a good combination. I would have killed myself.

My life has changed. I have a man for a best friend. A Man.......

I used to hate men.....I saw them as the root of all my problems. Men beat, they ridicule, they cheat, they are selfish bastards who don't deserve to live. Those were my thougts just a few years ago. And now I have one who treats me kindly, comes to my aid even in the middle of the night when my dog needs to be walked.

When we are in the pit we see no end to our suffering and it seems that every minute, even in our sleep (when that comes) we are in misery......and as several posted before others put the words in songs that sell the news of a forever life of misery.

but my misery is gone. I gave it away. Maybe my meds are working, I take a half of a nyquil cup full 3 times a day, then pain pills and valiun, and muscle relaxers at bed time to knock me out. And sometimes I get to sleep before the sun makes its appearance, and when I wake half the day is gone.

But I don't feel miserable, I don't want to die anymore. I don't want to live with Paul (he snores......and smokes.....and doesn't wear his false teeth at home) but he loves me as I am and I love him with all his trival faults. Life is better....IT CAN GET BETTER. When your in the pit you it is like being in an undergroud cavern, or a canal tunnel where you can't see a hand in front of your face. People may speak words of encouragement but the pit makes you not believe them. And yet you depend on them.....thats called HOPE

And there is someone to hope in that The Word of God says will not disappoint. That is who I gave my misery to. His word says even if we are faithless he remains faithful because he cannot cannont disowm his own.

I remember a day, before the pit engulfed me, when I knew the Jesus Christ had cleansed me from every sin I had ever committed, then I wanted more of him in my heart and there wasn't enough room because I had a storehouse of pain and misery I had never resolved. I had repressed it (forgot it) and I asked God to help me clean out the storeroom.

I did not know I would have to relive my life, sometimes hour by hour, rape by rape, mental abuse, phyical abuse, hate, anger, rage, ridicule, scorn, sorrow.

I remember one day a memory surfaced where it was I who had abuse my little brother and another or my best friend molesting me, and I shuck my fist in the air and said, "does it all have to come out?" And God said yes. And it made me angry at God.

I believe most memories have surfaced that needed healing. They sill hurt, sometimes they still urge me to punish somebody and my body is the only one around so I cut on my self with scissors (which is a little tricky) But I don't need to die anymore. I can get through the rough road with help from my counselor and this board.

In closing let me urge you to keep tying knots in your rope when life gets to hard to hang on. Love and Hugs Dawn.....overcoming-1

Re: P L E Z R E A D
Posted by little_joe1 on Sat Aug 11 03:04:53 2001 (#9452)

uh, sorry no-one has replied to this. i have only just read it myself. sorry this is four days late. im crying right now. i dont know why, its something todo with what you said. although i cant really relate to everything you are saying, the final words are what i need to do, what i need to realise. this has really helped. thankyou. i dont really know what to say in reply, because i am still upset about it. if there is anyway i can help with anything, just let me know.

Freedom
Posted by Emma on Mon Aug 6 12:37:20 2001 (#9305)

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say how glad i am that i can speak to people here, who i've never even met and they arent judgemental like some people who i have met.

Sorry about this just had a shitty morning thats all. I think i'm cursed i really do, i seem to make friends get sooo close and then something goes wrong which always seems to be my fault even if i havent done anything but give support and advice and try my damn hardest to help!! Why cant i find people who really like me and arent just there for the short term to use me? If anyone would like to talk please mail me or reply. Love Emma x

Re: Freedom
Posted by black rose on Mon Aug 6 19:55:18 2001 (#9312)

Emma, I have this problem w/friends that 1ce I tell them I cut...cuz I think that they're gonna be there and help me even in the slightest to bring some comfort...I push them away until I don't even c them ne more! maybe ur friends did like u...maybe u sorta pushed them away to! it could've been toOo much to handle for them, so when u pushed they didn't push back! it probly doesn't make ne sense, but I hope u understand what I'm trying to say! if u ever wanna talk just e-mail me! *hugs* Christine

Re: Freedom
Posted by divingmermaid on Mon Aug 6 21:16:18 2001 (#9314)

Hi Emma! I also find it fazinating to converse with people from so far away who understand a bit and share some of the same problems. About your friend who use you short term and than blame you if things go wrong. Do you care a lot about others and try to help them and then loose yourself and your own needs in it like myself?

Re: Freedom
Posted by Jes on Tue Aug 7 01:46:55 2001 (#9316)

i think that i can identify with what 'black rose' said, BUT, i think that maybe it's not u that's done that. Maybe it's your 'friend' who's done this. I dont mean on purpose but sometimes people dont realise that they're doing it and can make other people feel like they're not wanted when in fact they are, it's just that sometimes help is hard to accept.

Re: Freedom
Posted by Emma on Sat Aug 11 14:53:50 2001 (#9466)

Thanx everyone for your replies, its great to know i'm not alone. I wanted to apologise about that message i wrote i;'d just had a really shitty morning and i felt really bad. Thanx for the support Love Emma xxxx

lucky me...
Posted by ChrisE on Mon Aug 6 14:28:41 2001 (#9306)

So, I seem to have got away with telling people that I cut. Because I got beaten up shortly after, that seems to have distracted them. Just spoke to jaquie (who at the time was very harsh) and the subject never arose. Just concern for my face. It's better that way I think. Don't really need another label pinned on me.

just struck me what a wierd world it is. How getting getting kicked unconscious can turn out to be a blessing. It's actually quite funny. Feeling surprisingly happy now!

tell me please
Posted by divingmermaid on Mon Aug 6 21:06:23 2001 (#9313)

Hi everyone! Like Emma said it is so nice to have contact with people who are not judgemental and what is really important who actually UNDERSTAND. Although I remember cutting since about 1980 when I was 13 I now for the first time think about how it feels and maybe what it does to me. 2 Questions: I used to be groteskly fat and after loosing lots of weight I am only fairly fat now. Now, because I heve stretchmaks an my belly the blood from the cuts which were faily shallow was oozing all into the tissue were the stretchy scars are. I cut there because I thought scars right there would not make matters worse. Has anybody had anything like that happen ?(blood in the tissue) 2nd question: after I did it I felt really emotionless for a few hours which felt strange but good, like a relief but it did not last unfortunately. Is that what happens sometimes? Loss of emotions. Please tell me how it is, do you feel the same? I also sometimes feel tired afterwards and more relaxed.

Re: tell me please
Posted by elle on Tue Aug 7 03:03:29 2001 (#9317)

well, i am not quite sure what you mean about the stretch marks. but i have had some mother bruises with broken bones and the docs told me that the bruises are so big becuase i broke blood vessels inside without puncturing skin so the blood fills the tissue and stays under the skin and gets trapped in scars.

Re: tell me please
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 7 16:05:02 2001 (#9325)

I don't have the stretch marks, but my wife does. She does not cut (I do), but she has experienced cuts or injections around them (stretch marks) and the result is never good.

I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I think because the skin may already be stressed (stretched) that any damage is amplified. If you HAVE to cut, I would avoid that area.

Hey mermaid, keep your head up......

YAaAaAaaaaaaAAAaHhHhHhH...........
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 7 03:32:55 2001 (#9319)

I set up an email account. If ne1 wants to talk my email address is gurlie_gurl_10@yahoo.com

Just let me know who you are. I don't like to open mail from ppl I don't know. So in the subject...you know, just let me know who you are so that I'll open it.

I will email you if you tell me you want me to
Posted by Dawn...Overcoming-1 on Tue Aug 7 08:08:27 2001 (#9321)

You are young i'm middle age......You are often on my mind, but I want your personal permission to correspond with you, and send you card to cheer you up, or just say hi. Email me and let me know one way or another. If you think I talk to much tell me.

love and hugs Dawn....overcoming-1

an update
Posted by Sharon on Tue Aug 7 05:08:34 2001 (#9320)

Hi peoples, just thought I'd drop in and check up on everyone and let you know how I'm doing. Hmm . . . how am I doing? I don't know, my feelings change so much from one moment to the next. Anyone here ever break down sobbing for no reason at all? Well . . . anyway. I've been doing ok about the cutting. Slipped up once, but hey, tomorrow's a new day isn't it? I'm kinda dreading school starting and all the stress that goes with it, but I need to learn to cope. I need to learn to smile for real, learn to not be afraid to show the side of me that belies my mechanical "I'm fine", learn to not turn to my knife for everything, learn to trust people more . . . heck, I gotta learn a lot of stuff, don't I? Lol. Well, anyway, just want you all to know that I love you and I'm praying for you. Everyone stay safe, ok?

hugs,

Sharon

PS. Thanks for the nice comments on the poetry, every writer's dream! =)

Re: an update
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 7 14:37:28 2001 (#9323)

Sharon, it's like identical thoughts from my head in your post! I sob for no reason whatsoever ALL the time. I'll be sitting w/ friends and all of a sudden the feeling comes, and I have to force the tears back.

School is very stressful, and I'm not looking forward to it, either. We'll get through it though.

Write if you ever need nething. Lots of love

Re: an update
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 8 00:39:48 2001 (#9336)

Hi Sharon, I'm glad you're doing okay. I know school is very stressful, but I'm sure you'll make it. You're a very tough person. Take care and email me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

out!
Posted by ChrisE on Tue Aug 7 13:12:34 2001 (#9322)

So last night in the pub I told my friend that I cut. I figured I didn't trust the others who found out not to say, and i didn't want to spend my life thinking - but not knowing - that everyone knows. So I said "Kelly, I have to tell you something" Roll up my sleeves. "I cut myself for fun. Is that ok with you?"

She knew. Has done for months. Guessed cos I always wear long sleeves and she knew about my last trip to casualty. And she was completely ok about it. No recriminations, no looking at me like I'm a freak, it was just like it wasn't even an issue for her. Gave me this lttle speech about how everyone's fucked up in their own way and made me promise to call her when I feel down. I think she could tell what a big deal it was for me to say anything, but she just listened and smiled and told me it was ok.

Feel really dumb now that I was making it into such a big issue and freaking out about people not being able to handle it. Maybe people are generally not as scary as I thought they were.

Last few days have been very strange. A week ago I wouldn't have believed that I could do that.

Anyway, i just wanted to share that with you all.

Re: out!
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 7 15:55:04 2001 (#9324)

Dude, that is great!

I think we all too often only hear bad news. It's nice to know there are people out there who don't judge.

Took alot of balls to be open and honest my friend, and I admire you for it.

Hey, fringe benefit: YOU feel better about that situation. How can that be bad?

Way to go...

Re: out!
Posted by black rose on Tue Aug 7 18:15:15 2001 (#9326)

ChrisE, different ppl handle it in different ways! I usually think of it as a big issue when I tell someone cuz at times I can be really ashamed of it and make myself feel like a bigger freak than I really am! I hope u guys stay close (if u r close)! *hugs* Christine

Re: out!
Posted by Tara on Wed Aug 8 00:43:17 2001 (#9337)

Some people can surprise you, can't they. I'm so glad that your friend didn't treat you badly after you told them what you do. There are good people around, sometimes you just have to hunt to find them. Anyway, I'm happy for you. Stay strong and let your friend help if you need it. Love, Rhonda

Re: out!
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 8 07:10:31 2001 (#9356)

Hiding my scars, or wounds has never been an issue with me, so I don't have a clue, what it is like for it to make or break a relationship......well that's not true. A few years back I joined a telephone dating thing and most of the time for long sleeves.....sometimes its the first thing I want ppl to know about me. It cut through the crap. I lay it on the table and if they are going to leave it is done before too much has been invested in the relationship.

My best friends are ones who know about the cutting and love me in spite of it.

I responded however to a statement you made. It was about doing it for fun, was that just a sarcastic remark, I hope it was, because when I cut fun has nothing to do with it at all.

fun(?)
Posted by ChrisE on Wed Aug 8 14:37:12 2001 (#9365)

Is it fun? On some levels, yes. In that I like doing it and it's something I sometimes enjoy. But other times not. It's just something that's a part of me, and something I often don't have any control over. The point is, I have only a very low level of understanding as to why I do it or what sick pleasure I get from it. I can't explain it to myself, so how can I hope to explain it to others, particularly those that have no experience of it? It was a one-liner, an ice-breaker, whatever, unambiguous so I couldn't back out having said it. Talking came later.

The last thing I want to do is trivialise this, so apologies to anyone who was offended by that remark. But everyone's different, and for me this isn't all bad.

this will sound pathetic
Posted by Charlie Nicole on Tue Aug 7 18:28:37 2001 (#9327)

and im sorry to invade your space. i probably dont belong here really and thats the same everywhere. you can ignore me if you like i just need to vent.

yet again i caved in and cut. went to the hospital to get stitches.. friend made me. i was mad with her at the time but i guess it was for the best. although right now im wishing shed left me and i could have just carried on bleeding till there was nothing left. maybe the pain would be gone then. i know thats silly. im probably being irrational. i just cant help thinking it.

im supposed to help people with this problem. im supposed to help them get through it and be full of advice and able to listen and be there for them. how can i do a good job for these people like they deserve and like im supposed to if i cave in and cut myself? it isnt right. i dont wanna give up on them but i seriously think they may be better off without me.

i seriously dont know how much longer i can do this for. not life.. ill have to battle on with that. i cant kill myself, i refuse to kill myself because then all the people who have hurt me will have won and i cannot let them win over me its wrong and i shall not stand back and let them. but i dont know how much longer i can stand this pain and knowing that im failing people.

im sorry about this rant i really am i just needed to let it out and i really had nowhere else to go im sorry about this i feel really pathetic and i am so sorry

Charlie xx

Re: this will sound pathetic
Posted by toxicmind on Tue Aug 7 19:52:55 2001 (#9328)

PS. I just went back and read this and, damn do I sound preachy! I freaking hate it when someone else does it. I’m going to post it anyway. So, I apologize in advance if I am preaching to the choir.

Hey, It is as if you recorded what is in my mind and put it on paper. I’ve only been posting here for about a week, but lurking for a long time. I too felt like I was invading someone else’s space, but so far, everyone has been great.

You came here to do what you needed to do (vent), what all of us come here to do at one time or another. Don’t feel guilty about it. Feel comfort knowing that there are others who feel some of what you do every day.

Cutting to some is horrible and traumatic, as if they are being weak. For others it is soothing, and removes or helps with mental stress. Try to look at it, not as caving in, but coping with the pain. It sounds to me that you feel the only other alternative for you right now is suicide; which is not really a good alternative, don’t you think?

Right now I feel my only coping mechanism is cutting. But I can feel myself getting clearer. I think something that has been helping me is trying to remove some of the guilt in my life. I am starting with these three things:

1. I can’t help anyone else if I first don’t help myself 2. I am not Superman. I can’t do everything by myself 3. I can’t control what other people think of me

It sounds like you are a strong person with some very strong feelings about suicide. Hang in there, take it day-by-day, don’t try to change the world, do what you have to do to cope and come on here and vent like crazy.

Keep your head up…

Re: this will sound pathetic
Posted by black rose on Tue Aug 7 22:52:59 2001 (#9332)

ur welcome here to vent or say what's on ur mind ne time u want! everyone here is very supportive of 1 another! I hope u'll post again! and if u ever wanna talk I'm here...u can e-mail me ne time u want! I'm happy ur friend made u get stitches..she cares about u! I g2g 4 now! *hugs* Christine

THINK POSITIVE
Posted by Nicke on Mon Aug 13 18:35:10 2001 (#9517)

hey there. I used to visit here and come back occasionally to see if I can offer any words of advice

One thing that I noticed is that people are so negative.

Sometimes people think negatively because it is easy.

If people believe that they are worthless and nobody cares about them, then they won't recognise that they are hurting people around them.

That is what made me stop cutting. I realised that I was hurting people close to me.

Now I know that it is all easy for me to say but a little bit of positive thinking goes a long way.

Even if it is only to say that you did something good that day.

Say you did a good piece of work or cooked a good meal or anything.

Don't be ashamed to praise yourself.

Stay strong, Nicke

i thought i would write...
Posted by Diana on Tue Aug 7 20:29:41 2001 (#9329)

hey everyone.. i thought i would write n say how i am. I haven't cut in over 3 weeks.. but i am trying to stop it all together, even though is hard as hell. I am still bulimic, but i'm trying to stop that too, but its really hard to stop two things at once. Then i had suicidal thoughts yesterday, but i did a lot of thinkin once again. And i've realized that im not gonna let ne1 get 2 me and im gonna live for myself. And enjoy life. I hope all you guyz on the board can do that too. Don't let nething or ne1 get to you. Live for yourself -n- ur future.. u never know what u'r future holds. Take care. luv Diana

~sorry every1 4 the message.. i kinda rambled on n on bout shit.

thanks
Posted by heather on Tue Aug 7 20:34:45 2001 (#9330)

Hi my name is heather im 15 and i've been a cutter since i turned 14 last year. but i had been depressed since i was twelve..i started cutting last year cuz the first guy i have ever loved screwed me over for another girl i know. i got so upset and so alone all i could do was cut and cry. the pain was so horrible because i was hurting on the inside and the out. i have wanted for a long time to find someone anyone who dosnt think im just doing this for their attention. thats when i found this website. you poeple have more courage than i have ever had to tell other poeple about it and not know how they will react.I love to come and see how careing you are to one another. i love to see that im not the only one who needs a helping hand. but see i've gottan worst..i have gottan to the point of no return. im afraid that cutting is now not enough and that i am soon to kill myself. that is why i wanted to come here so that maybe you will have it in your heart to care enough for me and help me through this..please..and thank you.. signed with love..heather

Re: thanks
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 8 00:51:04 2001 (#9338)

Hi Heather, I'm Rhonda and I don't cut, but my 18 year old daughter does. You're right about everyone on this board caring about each other. We care about you also. Please don't kill yourself. We will all help you if you'll just stay with us. This is like one big family and I consider all the younger ones here my "kids" and the older ones my dear friends. If you need to talk, someone here will always listen to you and help you. They all know what you've been going through so they understand. I hope you keep posting here cause you will find help. Email me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

my fuckin mother.
Posted by elle on Tue Aug 7 22:04:02 2001 (#9331)

hey all, i know i have not been around much, and i dont really read posts anymore, but i am so mad and i didnt know who else to share with. i am supposed to go down to my friends beach house and she has a little brother and sister that we are supposed to babysit for a couple times when we are there in exchange for her parents letting me and all my friends stay in their house. and i was talking to my mom about the plans and i have this one friend who doesnt know how to swim and my mom was telling me to hang out with her and i was like, but mom shes not going becuase she cant swim and my mom was like, well, you are not going to go swimming when you are there are you? and i was like yeah, i am. i am going surfing and boogie boarding and i have been trying to work myself up all week to be brave enough to put on a bathing suit and not give a crap what people think of my scars. and my fuckin mother says. I forbid you to go into the ocean when you are there. you might scare little children. what kinda thing is that to say???!!!!! aaarrrggghhh. i dont even know how i am supposed to feel about that. hurt that my mother is so superficial? or mad that my own mommy thinks i will scare little kids? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! i mean, who cares, i do, but i dont want others to, my own mother is more ashamed of my body then i am. i dont want to hide from the world, dont get me wrong...i am not proud of my scars or what i have done to myself, but i judge myself for it and i dont need her to. i mean i have moved on and then she is just so dumb. i am not proud of my scars, and i am a bit ahsamed of them but i dont want to hide forever. the whole point of her finding out was that i wouldnt have to hide anymore. i mean if i had huge fat cottage cheese thighs i would still have the right to put on a bathing suit, right? even though i might not be proud of how i looked, i shouldnt avoid fun just becuase of what i look like. aarrrggghhh...scare little kids. how would scars scare little kids? they wouldnt realize what they were from and they wouldnt think that i would be a dangerous person becuase of them. GGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Re: my fuckin mother.
Posted by black rose on Tue Aug 7 23:04:23 2001 (#9334)

OMG my mom did sorta the samething...everytime I wear something where u can c a scar my mom's like "r u sure u wanna wear that"...like I'm gonna scare ppl away! I don't have enough ppl near me (meaning friends) to scare away in the 1st place! I don't know whether my mom is trying to protect me or shame me for my scars and cutting! I can't stand the things she says at times! o well! I hope u feel better and go swimming...take the friend that can't swim w/u into the water where it's not deep...it's not toOo bad! I g2g! *hugs* Christine

Re: my fuckin mother.
Posted by Michael on Wed Aug 8 00:38:01 2001 (#9335)

hi..I've calmed down a bit now, after a few too many drinks, that's why i'm going backwards through the postings...

I don't quite know what's right to say and what's wrong to say (never have done..), i don't know if i'm in the position to say this, but i think what your mother said was wrong. But because she said that, it doesn't necessarily mean she's embarassed about you or anything. She probably just wants what's best for you, and unfortunately she can't relate to what you do, so it comes out like that... This is all opinion of course, i'm sorry, i never mean to cause offence, although i have done on this board before... My parents have never said anything about me when i go out with a short T-shirt on, so in that respect i don't know what it's like. But i've seen my ex-girlfriends' mother almost break down at the sight of her daughters scars. And i know that wasn't from shame, embarrasment or anything, just a natural maternal care...true, not quite the way we want our parents to react, but they must find it as hard as us, they dont know where to turn or what to say in those situations, just like when we try to express ourselves.

Anyway, i'm not preaching, criticising, or trying to provoke anything. I've probably got it all wrong ( i usually do!), sorry, i'm not pretending to know you.

Anyway, take care and have fun email if you want Michael

Re: my fuckin mother.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 8 00:59:16 2001 (#9339)

Kids might be courious, but I don't think they would be scared. Maybe your mom is scared for you, and is using the kids as an excuse. Kids have a lot of interest in all kinds of things and if anyone of them ask, you could just tell them the truth. You'd be surprised how kids handle the truth easier than adults. It's really no big deal to them. It's usually the adults who get upset over small things. Not that your cutting and scars are a small thing, they just probably wouldn't matter that much to little kids. If you still go, don't worry about the kids. I wish I knew what to say about you mom, but I don't know her so I'd be better off saying nothing. I usually put my foot in my mouth and say stuff I shouldn't. I say, go surfing and have a blast. You deserve it. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: my fuckin mother.
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 8 02:36:44 2001 (#9345)

Hi sweetie. I'm sorry about what your mom said. Parents can be really big idiots sometimes (you know that I know that). I don't know what kind of advice to give you, except I think you should totally ignore what she said and go swimming! Kudos on having the guts to do it! I don't think the children would be scared. If anything they'd be curious, and depending on how old they are you could always lie or something. Take care. Ttyl, ok? Lots of love

ummm
Posted by Michael on Tue Aug 7 23:02:09 2001 (#9333)

Hi, i've not posted here for a long time, there seems to be a lot of new people here, i don't see many names i recognise...black rose is the only familiar one. Hello everyone else who is new. i just need to write, i'm not feeling very stable at the moment. I don't know why i'm writing. I feel awfull, i feel such a hypocrite and i feel like it looks like i'm looking for a few replys to make me feel better..ARGH!!!! I can't stop shaking 'cos i can't eat and i'm quitting my paroxetine and i'm so worried i've not got anywhere, like nobody has got anywhere, the world is still as shit as it was last time i came. I've stopped cutting for ages, people are pushing me to it again. I've broken up with my girlfriend, she got really drunk one night after we split up and ended being taken advantage of by one of her 'friends', im still love here in some ways...i just sometimes wish murder was legal sometimes...people like him dont deserve anything. I feel shit for even being male, for being part of the whole thing. Oh fuck, sorry i don't know where i'm going. nothings changedi suppose

Re: ummm
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 02:18:47 2001 (#9342)

hey, I'm sry u feel like that! yea...I'm still here...things have been a bit rocky and I keep hitting rock bottom! (if u wanna know) I'm glad u stopped cutting...screw whoever is driving u to wanna do it again! u deserve better! *hugs* Christine

im back
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 02:12:04 2001 (#9341)

I used to use this board loads. i dont recognise any familiar names or anything, but hi people. the reason im back here is that i havnt cut in ages, not since christmas, but i know im going to start again soon. i just can't hold it back... i just thought maybe i could keep it up, but i dont think so. so far, i have been reminded i am not alone, which is a good thing.

but anyway, if anyone EVER wants to chat, you can email me at x509@easycheater.net or little_joe1@hotmail.com msn messenger : little_joe1@hotmail.com and icq : 125934148

ps, how old is everyone and where are you people from ? im 14 and im from SW of england

Re: im back
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 02:21:33 2001 (#9343)

I know I probably can't stop u from cutting urself but I am here whenever u need someone to talk to! I'm 14 from Methuen, Massachuetts *hugs* Christine

Re: im back
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 03:04:11 2001 (#9347)

thanks very much :)

Re: im back
Posted by LOST on Wed Aug 8 07:01:11 2001 (#9354)

oh wow... are u the joe from like a year ago that i used to e-mail for a while??? if not, sorry... if so.... DAMN BOY!!! WHERE'VE U BEEN AT?!?!?!?!?!

Re: im back
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 9 13:22:06 2001 (#9391)

i think so.. my email address then was absolute_nutter@hotmail.com no longer works, but i remember ya ;)

Re: im back
Posted by elle on Thu Aug 9 16:42:01 2001 (#9395)

LOST, you crack me up...even little things. i missed ya!

Re: im back
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 9 02:20:49 2001 (#9388)

Hi Little Joel, I'm Rhonda. I don't cut, but my daughter Tara does and I post here in support of her. Tara is 18 and I'm (gasp!) 41! I try to show that there are adults that support ya'll. (we're from Oklahoma) Anyway, I've found this is a good place to come. Tara doesn't come here that much because of her job and because she is doing really good. She still has her bad days, but she comes to me and I try to take her mind off feeling sad. I can't tell you not to cut, but I hope you can work through it without resorting to that. You sound like a very strong guy. Email if you feel like it. Take care. Love, Rhonda

thanks
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 9 13:23:20 2001 (#9392)

thankyou, its nice to know there are people out there who understand... tara must be really lucky to have a mum like you.. :)

Re: im back
Posted by divingmermaid on Thu Aug 9 15:01:04 2001 (#9393)

Hi I am 34 and come from Northern Germany but I used to live in England for 9 years hence I am able to converse in this language

Re: im back
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 9 15:29:48 2001 (#9394)

where abouts in england did you live ?

Re: im back
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Aug 10 15:44:52 2001 (#9432)

The first 5 years in London while my husband studied and then 3 years in Bedford and 1 year in Hull/Yorkshire. I wrote you a really long letter and then I could not send it because I typed the adress wrong and now I can not find it arrrgh!!! So frustrating

Re: im back
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 8 02:30:40 2001 (#9344)

Hi im new here my name is Heather im 15 and im from tx!! I to cut myself so i know how hard it is to hold back but your doing better than i ever could so please even tho you dont know me just dont cut yourself anymore for me ok?!?!? With love..heather*~*

Re: im back
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 03:05:37 2001 (#9348)

thanks very much... too late, but it aint bad. thanks for replying

Owww...owwww...I HURT....a little OT...owell
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 8 02:43:14 2001 (#9346)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW IIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! I know I was a bit stupid, don't tell me bc I already know I was. I went swimming yesterday and today (with BOARD SHORTS!! I wore shorts and a full bathing suit. No1 said nething. No1 said nething bout my scars on my shoulders either...I guess that's a GOOD thing). Ok but yup I went swimming, and I got SOOOOOOO BURNED. I am very very very very very pale, and I never tan, I just burn. But this is like a really bad burn. I am LITERALLY red like a lobster. No exaggeration. And I huuuuuurrrrt. ::this is me whining:: How can I cut myself and bruise myself and scratch myself and BURN myself, but a sunburn can hurt me so much worse? I tried to bask in the pain. I tried to think, oooh free pain. But it hurts too bad. I have lotion on. I have school pictures in like 2 weeks. Ne advice on how to make it go away?? LoL. Ok toldja it was OT.

Re: Owww...owwww...I HURT....a little OT...owell
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 03:43:21 2001 (#9349)

unlike cutting a sunburned takes up more of ur body and usually isn't concentrated an area like a cut! and sunburns r usually unwanted at the time when ur getting burned...where as cuts r wanted! umm...sry if it's confusing...I got 45 minutes of sleep between yesterday and 2day and I had a lot of coffee! *hugs* Christine what is OT? (sry..I can't think of ne thing right now)

Re: Owww...owwww...I HURT....a little OT...owell
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 8 04:05:54 2001 (#9350)

welli get burned all the time im very pale to! so it should be gfone in to weeks and u'll have a nice tan! use lotion like u are thats good helps keep the tan! but the cutting i dunno hun! hmmmmmm well i know it hurts but in about a week(7-5days) it shoudll still be burned but not as bad and u can cut again without the burnign paiN! this is all i can think of now...but im sure i'll come up with more lata! i always get burned so i know how to deal with it! but its late rite now and my baby cousins took alot outa me today so.....yeah!

A bad burn is OVERLY TRUAMATIC
Posted by Dawn...Overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 8 07:34:07 2001 (#9357)

It seems that when our bodies are injured we respond normally to it, but it seems overly trumatic because when we cut our brains turns flip flops and what is a normal reaction to pain is turned off or tuned out, whichever the case may be.

"Me" I don't know where you live but there is an aloe vera coolant for sunburns that takes the sting out and leaves the tan on. It is usually green and in a bottle, not a tube

Re: A bad burn is OVERLY TRUAMATIC
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 8 20:02:22 2001 (#9379)

yeah i know some stuff to!!! it can help scars and burns! u can get it in teh states and canada i know. there lots of stuff look in the bug spray section in a drug store u can find tons of stuff there to help~ and um lotion and cool showers/baths

A warning about the sun
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 8 15:49:07 2001 (#9367)

I learned the hard way that anti-depressants and the sun DO NOT MIX. Do you take them?

Some anti-depressants (all?) make you less tolerant to the sun, and much more likely to burn. Also, I don't know about you guys, but I tend to spend more time by myself in dark places, which doesn't help at all.

Hey kids, wear some sunblock and be careful! We don't need any more pain to deal with.

I hope you feel better *me*. Sunburns suck...

Keep your head up...

to the ppl who plied...
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 8 19:36:43 2001 (#9376)

hmmm I'm plying in one big post here..so if I forget something...I'll post it in another post! Christine - OT = off topic. Linzee, I ALWAYS burn too. Doesn't it stink? I NEVER tan off the bat, I have to burn and then the burn turns into a tan. I am so freaking pale. My friends tell me I look like an albino. LOL. Dawn I live in Ohio...and one of my friends told me about that aloe vera stuff. If I see her I might borrow hers bc I don't know when I could get to the drugstore. Toxicmind, I'm not on antidepressants (bc no one knows about me...) and I, being stupid and REALLY wanting a tan b4 school started again, chose to only wear a little sunblock...which is why I'm prolly so burnt. :-(

My face is all puffy! I look like a freak. This morning when I woke up my cheeks were so swollen that I could barely open my eyes. This better go away b4 school pictures, or my mother will kill me.

Re: to the ppl who plied...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 8 23:28:33 2001 (#9385)

Sometimes, white vinger will take the sting out, if you can stand to smell like it for a while. Also the aloe vera with the pain medication in it. That works pretty good. One more thing you might try is good old Noxemea skin cream. It helps to keep your skin from drying out. That's all I can think of right now. Hope you're feeling better. Love, Rhonda

Re: to the ppl who plied...
Posted by Judi on Tue Aug 14 04:34:24 2001 (#9546)

Hey Honey, I hope you are better by now, I live in Mobile, AL on the coast and we see people get burned like this all the time, you need to be very careful since you can get sun poisioning, if that happens which it sounds as if that may have happened to you, normally you would need to go to the Dr. and get a steroid shot to help with the swelling. Just be careful!!!!

cutting is my security
Posted by david on Wed Aug 8 05:56:19 2001 (#9351)

hi everyone, im a 39 year old man who has been cutting for about ten years. i first started by "fighting" with my blackberry bushes the thorns leave some pretty awsome trails of blood yet tend to be superficial. i began using a razor blade about 2 and a half years ago when my girlfriend turned me on to it. i became addicted to it right away. m girlfriend became my wife and made me the happiest i had ever been: for about a month. then she started going out with her ex-husband and getting drunk, leaving me wondering where she was and if she was alright. i would cut myself on these times , not only to take the pain away but to mark the event in some morbid way. i have her name tattooed on my chest over my heart. i have underlined it many times with an exacto blade or a blade from a utility knife. i have underlined it to emphasise my undying love for her dispite the way she treated me. she filed for divorce a few months ago and it became final today, we went to court and signed the final papers. you know the old saying "if you love somthing set it free---" well i love her that much and i miss her so very very ver much. my family cannot understand my grief over losing her. they want to blame her for my problems so they won't have to look at me. i carry a razor blade in my wallet and have not cut for several monts but i came home today from court and sliced my upper thigh, high enough so that my shorts will cover them.they wern't deep or long i just had to see the blood: the whole ritual setting out all my tools, rubbing alcohol ,bandaids ,neosporin, cotton balls paper towels--- and my razor! it's the only thing tat takes the painaway evenif it is fleeting. it's like my security blanket.

thanks for listening

david

Re: cutting is my security
Posted by Heather on Wed Aug 8 06:23:00 2001 (#9352)

I know you are gonna think I have no clue what Im talking about since im only 15. but with these things your age is no matter in the problem. I cut and slice and cut somemore just because I want to. and sometimes just becuase I feel like I need to be punished. I started cuting when my first true love cheated on me with my friends sis. It was the hardest thing I have gone through so far. Well soon after he broke it off with her he went out with my best friend at the time. So I cut myself again. And I have been cutting ever since to let out my anger or sadness. I just wanted you to know that your not alone no matter how differnt your situation may be we are all still here ti listen and help you. If you need to just e-mail me and I'll lend you a helping hand when you need it.And maybe sometimes you to can lend me a helping hand in my worst times. signed with love..heather

Re: cutting is my security
Posted by diana on Wed Aug 8 06:45:25 2001 (#9353)

hey, yeah im only 14 years old, but that doesn't make a difference. We are all pretty much going through the same thing in one way or another. But i started just because of all the shit going on w. my family and friends. It was my means of escaping my problems. But i can relate to you, as you say it's you're security blanket, because i too feel the same way about cutting. I feel that it will always be there for me when something goes wrong. You know? Well please email sometime. take care. Diana

Re: cutting is my security
Posted by Maggie on Wed Aug 8 10:50:10 2001 (#9360)

Wow...it must've been a pretty emotional day for you. It's so sad what happened... but you will be okay. Life still goes on, and now you've gone through probably the pithole of you life... things can only improve right?

Just be careful with those blades...

Hugs, Maggie.

Re: cutting is my security
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 8 16:07:14 2001 (#9371)

Welcome David!

I am a 33-year-old man, been cutting for a few years now, but dealing with depression as long as I can remember. I have three children (I know, I am young to have three kids), who I am trying to give as normal a life as possible considering my situation. I hope not to screw them up any worse, this life will kick their asses enough as it is.

When you were talking about your ritual, a bell went off in my head. When things are very bad, I tend to carry around my "kit". Double-edge razor blade, alcohol wipes, sterry-strips, bandages.... shit like that. Right now, I now I can't control the cutting, so I try to be as safe as possible.

To put it mildly, you have had a rough time of things, and to use the most tired-out cliché possible, it can only get better. I hope being able to vent on this board helped out a bit. I left my e-mail above if you want to send me one. I can’t promise that I can’t help, but I am willing to be a punching bag (sounding board) if you need it.

Also, don’t be afraid to open up to others on this board. Some are kids, but these kids have been through more than "normal" (I hate that word) people should, so they can understand, and I for one respect that.

Hey David, take it day-by-day man, and, keep your head up…

Re: cutting is my security
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 17:29:28 2001 (#9374)

"Some are kids, but these kids have been through more than "normal" (I hate that word) people should, so they can understand, and I for one respect that. " --- hmm, if only everyone took us that seriously.. i turned 14 last june, yet i can relate to a 39 year old etc... that sucks. David, good luck, hope life gets better for you..

icq : 125934148 msn : little_joe1@hotmail.com aol : icklejoe1 yahoo : little_joe1uk

Re: cutting is my security
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 21:18:11 2001 (#9381)

aww...I dunno what to say cuz I haven't gone thru that b4! but please be careful w/those razors! I used to carry them around in my purse but it only made it more tempting to use um! if u've been feeling down lately please try to take them out of ur wallet...u don't have to but please try! *hugs* Christine

Re: cutting is my security
Posted by david on Thu Aug 9 05:20:24 2001 (#9390)

hey everyone --david here i'd like to thank everyone who responded to what i wrote yesterday. i was really having a bad one. it,s really good to know that there is a place to go where i can be so understood so readily. i know years may seperate some of us , but that's all that does. we are all people who are obviously hurting and trying to cope the best we know how. misunderstood by most (atleast that's true for me) ridiculed by others and some just make light of it because they simply do not understand. nor should they. for they are not us, and i would'nt wish for them to know! any how thanks a lot for responding and caring. one day at a time---i didn't cut today! thought about it though.

feel free to e-mail me

anytime. who knows i might be able to help one of you!

david

GODDDDAAAMMMMNNNNNN
Posted by LOST on Wed Aug 8 07:09:10 2001 (#9355)

hey peoples. DAMN i don't see anyone that i recognize except like 2 or 3 people! ohhhhh the board has moved on! how sad. :) anyway, for the people that don't know me... i used to be a regular on this board for like a year and a half... now i'm just an infrequent visitor. anyway, i'm 18 and a chick.... for all the people that DO remember my sorry ass, things have been going bad. shit was cool for a while... had $ coming in so fast i didn't know what to do with it all... had a car, job, college and everything else, good place to live, boyfriend blah blah blah.... WEEEEEELLLL all that changed within the last week. NOW have no job, no car, no boyfriend, no school, I'm about $5000 in debt (my room mates went away for a week and i had a lot of parties and A LOT of their shit got stolen and ruined) AND i have $1.30 to my name. i have no way of getting any $ or a car or anything else. i'm fucked. while they were gone, they left one of the guns in the house with me... fully loaded... i sat there each day and held it to my head and tried to force myself to pull the trigger, but i always pussied out. anyway, they're on their way back from the airport right now-- they should be back in a half hour. i'm fucked! i'm gonna get kicked out. so i have nothing left in life... nothing to look forward to. i don't know how to hold on. this shit sucks! oh well, but u know me, my attempts never work anyway, so most likely u'll be hearing from me again in the future. this msg was pointless, but i just felt like typing. alright bye peoples!

Re: GODDDDAAAMMMMNNNNNN
Posted by Maggie on Wed Aug 8 11:02:29 2001 (#9361)

I REMEMBER YOU LOST!!! And I've missed your humourous presence ont he board.

You are in a big shit! I'm VERY glad that you pussied out with the gun... When you used to come here regularly those months ago, you were in some pretty bad situations... and things did manage to turn around for you, as you just wrote.

So things may have stuffed up for now, but I'm sure you are capable of getting back on your feet again. Why did it all change in one week? Surely the loss of bf, car, job and school wasn't due solely to the parties??? Hope things go okay with the room mates!

Take care, Luv Maggie.

Re: GODDDDAAAMMMMNNNNNN
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 16:14:58 2001 (#9372)

i remember you... my name was i think something to do with x-509 or killerbyte... or maybe just joe. i cant remember, it was quite a while ago. but i definitly remember seeing/talking to you. hard luck on the money thing... have you explained to them it was exactly your fault ? glad you didnt top yourself... good luck with getting back on your feet... you can do it

Re: GODDDDAAAMMMMNNNNNN
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 8 19:48:09 2001 (#9377)

LOST, I remember you! You're right about the board moving on, though! SoOoOo many ppl have left! I for one have missed you, and hope you stick around here. I'm glad you didn't use the gun - most situations improve eventually. I know you can get through this - you're a tough gal. Take care and stay safe. Lots of love

LOST!!!
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 21:27:33 2001 (#9382)

remember me? please don't pull that trigger hun ur important and u can get a job to pay them back...just please PLEASE don't pull the trigger! u may not have a bf,car, job, or school....but u have ppl that care and would just die if u killed urself! so please don't and e-mail me whenever u wanna talk or think u r gonna kill urself! *hugs* Christine

fuck the world!!!!!!!!!
Posted by heather on Wed Aug 8 08:29:45 2001 (#9358)

Fuck you mom!!!! I hate my mom!!! I hate myself!!! my fucking bitch for a mom said that i couldnt go on a date with this really hot and sweet guy..he is the best thing to happen to me in like a month!! so i went to my room and grabed my razor and cut..well she walked right on into my room. i got pissed and started screaming at her forgeting my wrist was bleeding everywhere. and she got so mad that she pulled me by my cut wrist and shoved me against the wall i screamed in pain and she said if i ever talk to her that way again she'll be the one to cut my wrist!!! stupid bitch go ahead cut my fucking wrist for all i care why should i even live..my mom hates me!!!!!!!

Re: fuck the world!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Maggie on Wed Aug 8 11:10:36 2001 (#9362)

(((HEATHER))) Why wont you mum let you go on the date? Would she let you go another time, or she is just objecting to the whole dating issue? Maybe the guy may understand if you explain to him, and you could go out another time?

I think your mum was nasty to say that to you. Parents can be the most insensitive.

Hope the wrist is feeling better! Luv Maggie.

Re: fuck the world!!!!!!!!!
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 16:01:45 2001 (#9369)

the talking to your mum seems like a good suggestion, but maybe cooling down first.. otherwise you might end up arguing again :(

i dunno if this is relevant, but don't feel like she has won because you are going to her, thats bullshit. i always think that, and it just gets me in more trouble. no 1 has "won"... dunno if that helps..

Re: fuck the world!!!!!!!!!
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 16:04:38 2001 (#9370)

oh, even if she says she hates you, she still loves ya. moms are incapable of not loving there kids, even though they might dislike them alot.

Re: fuck the world!!!!!!!!!
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 21:32:44 2001 (#9383)

OMG!! r u ok hun? I'm sure she cares...but just shows it differently! I'm here for u and u know that so if somethings bugging u just e-mail or IM me! *hugs* Christine

Re: fuck the world!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 8 23:41:41 2001 (#9386)

Heather, I'm sorry about your mom. I wish parents wouldn't act like that, it gives the ones of us who do care a bad name. I wish I could be there to hold you and let you know that you are special, but I can't so I'll just tell you here. YOU ARE SPECIAL!!! Just as everyone on this board is special. A lot of parents just don't know how to deal with this kind of thing, so they act really stupid. Chances are, a lot of them are scared to death to see their kids doing this and being parents, they should know how to help, but they don't. I still don't understand about the cutting, but I don't condem anyone for it either. I just wanted to let you know that all moms are not like that. I'm not. I try to help, without messing up too much, and encourage everyone. If you need to talk, email me. I'm usually on the computer in the evenings. (Oklahoma time) Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re:Life sucks sometimes, and parents too..
Posted by Dawn...Overcoming-1 on Fri Aug 10 08:51:48 2001 (#9426)

Heather, I just love your name. It is true you know you are special. Sorry to hear about your mother....hate to say this but it reminded me of me....both sides....the victim and the abuser.

And by the way the language fit the situation. I'm a Christian and I can think of no "Christian verbage" that would put the nut in the shell the way certain words do.

I guess it is hard to be a kid and its hard to be an parent. Sometimes we need to stand back and see ourselves from outside ourselves.

I am probably bubbling this but what I'm trying to say is there are two sides to this. The first of course is how you are doing. I hope you treated or had your wrist treated and that the wound is healing by now.

The second part is your mother. She is in the wrong no matter which way you look at it, but I know that I was off my nut and I hurt my kids a lot before I finally reached for the phone and called for help, and even then it was really for me but for my family. Then came the time that I realized I needed help to change me and how I treated my children.

What I hear though is that at least you are trying to get help, even if it is only a place to vent. And I can tell you this you are welcome to come here anytime day of night and say what you need to say, in any language you need to to get the message right. Stay safe..Love and Hugs...Dawn--overcoming-1

SO, now i am asking for help
Posted by Ang on Wed Aug 8 08:58:00 2001 (#9359)

i come her once a week at teh least to put in my two cents worth in and here i am coming to you all for help, well most of u don't know my story of my ex but some of u might anywasy he is a big part of my life still and i havn't had teh urge to cut in SUCH a long time and tonight i find my self wantinmg to so badly the razors and gauz still sit in my vanity drawr waiting for me to come back to them i'm crying noiw i havea lost it all my strenght what now? how o i bring my self back up why do i still et him effect me in shuch a way why am i cryinbg becasue he cancled our plans for topmarow (wich we havce had planned for 2 weeks) :S any ways some one think u could help me?

Re: SO, now i am asking for help
Posted by Maggie on Wed Aug 8 11:20:46 2001 (#9363)

Why is he your ex-boyfriend instead of your boyfriend? It's obvious that you really like him still, so you should talk to him about your feelings. It's good that his companionship keeps you from the razors, but you have too much of your emotions dependant on him! You gotta find something else that makes you happy. I don't know the full story...but if he is stringing you along, then you have to cut ties with him. I was in a situation like that, and it wasn't until I stopped seeing him all the time, that I was able to find enjoyment in other things than his company. Why don't you make some other plans for tommorow... go out with some friends. Even though you may be wishing you were with him instead, it will be a better distraction than staying home and sulking.

Take care, Luv Maggie.

Re: SO, now i am asking for help
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 8 21:36:25 2001 (#9384)

please don't grab the razors...ur soOo much stronger than this...u can get past this! maybe he canceled plans cuz something came up! Idunno what to say...just stay strong hun! *hugs* Christine

THANK YOU ALL SO SO MUCH
Posted by Ang on Fri Aug 10 08:29:19 2001 (#9425)

well i never cut i called one of my frineds and we talked i toild himnwhat i was thinking and he reasured me that i was strong and to buitiful to harm my self like that and my ex called at 5:30AM wendsay morning and we had a wonderfull conversation never did see him but its okay now i'm back to being strong lil' Ang...By the way u guys can ALWAYS e-mail me i'm online everyday i also have instant messenger i am here to support u, and some times u can support me but hopefull rsrly will that happen :D well talk to u all later and thank u again ~Ang~

Bipolar?
Posted by Maggie on Wed Aug 8 11:27:26 2001 (#9364)

I've been on this serious 'high' for the last week... I've made all these plans and ambitions, suddenly found all this self-confidence, have so much energy and motivation... However I don't know what triggered it. Just a few weeks ago I saw no point to living. I was totally bored of the world, and nothing could make me happy. There is such an extreme change, and I don't know how it happened. I'm worried that I may be bipolar (manic-depressive), because when I think about it I have cycled out of depression and happiness several times over the last few years. But my psychologist/psychiatrist have never mentioned that possibility even though I have told them about my extreme mood changes.

Anyone have any ideas?

Re: Bipolar?
Posted by ChrisE on Wed Aug 8 14:50:43 2001 (#9366)

I'm the same... my moods change for no obvious reason. Right now I'm pretty happy despite having a few really good reasons for not being so. Other times I'm down for no reason. I think a lot of people are the same. I wish I had answers for you, but I suspect there aren't any simple ones. All you can do is keep trying. But why do you feel like you need a label? The world is a continuum, is it right to call people 'normal' or 'defective'? Psychology is a very inexact science. Each of our minds is unique. There are only varying shades of grey.

Re: Bipolar?
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 15:55:10 2001 (#9368)

i have never been diagnosed with it, but various people i have talked to ( doctors, GPs, etc ) say i am. my mood swings almost never have any triggers or anything like that, they just happen; tends to get me in quite a bit of trouble.

http://www.mhsource.com /bipolar/ <-- i dunno if that will help explain anything, because i havnt had much time to look around the site yet. i have no idea if it will be useful at all, but have a look.. it might be

icq: 125934148 msn messenger: little_joe1@hotmail.com

Re: Bipolar?
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 8 16:27:36 2001 (#9373)

I would say that you should see a doc yourtrust, and tell her/him your concerns.

I said once before on this board that I have a friend who is Bipolar. This person only has two cycles: horribly and hopelessly depressed and psychotically euphoric. In an “up” cycle, she is so euphoric and happy to the extreme that she often thinks she is invincible. She likes to jump off of stuff, like buildings, houses. She often cuts more in the "up" state because it is a way for her to calm her mind.

What am I trying to say? Bring up your concerns with your doctor, BUT ENJOY YOURSELF! I think we all have a tendency to think something is wrong when we don’t feel overwhelming depression. We are not supposed to feel good. we are being punished.

I say....fuck that.....enjoy it!

Make your plans, have some fun, smile as often as possible, kiss someone…whatever. Enjoy some happiness. But, make sure you come back and share with us. We like good news too…….

Keep your head up…

Re: Bipolar?
Posted by Lost Girl on Fri Aug 10 02:26:01 2001 (#9417)

i am bipolar, you may be too. ask your drs about whether or not they think you are. shoot i was diagnosed on my first day to see a psych that i was BP. good luck!

~Lost Girl

Precious Pain
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Aug 8 19:34:01 2001 (#9375)

I read *me*'s post about the Staid lyrics and thought I'd add some lyrics that make totaly sense to me.

"Precious Pain" by Melissa Etheridge

Everybody's got a hunger/No matter where they are/Everybody clings to their own fear/Everybody hides some scar

Precious pain/Empty and cold but it keeps me alive/I gave it my soul so that I could survive/Keeping me safe in these chains/Precious pain

Everybody's got a reason/To abandon their plan/How can I think of tomorrow/With my sorrow in hand

Precious pain/Empty and cold but it keeps me alive/I gave it my soul so that I could survive/Keeping me safe in these chains/Precious pain

Each road that I walk down/Reminds me of you/This whole town is haunted/There'll never be anything new

Precious pain/Empty and cold but it keeps me alive/I gave it my soul so that I could survive/Keeping me safe in these chains/Precious pain

Re: Precious Pain
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 8 19:54:48 2001 (#9378)

Good lyrics. Thank you for sharing.

Lots of love

cutting is 'fun'
Posted by necrosis on Thu Aug 9 02:03:49 2001 (#9387)

I noticed Chris used the phrase 'for fun' in reference to cutting. I empathise with this. Not for fun - but as he said, it was what came into his head - maybe to say the most shockable thing makes you believe others really do accept it - I don't know

anyway. I cut & sometimes I 'enjoy' the act & look forward to it (a point worthy I think of voicing - I also feel like hell when I do it other times & hate doing it)

It gives me a feeling of power & control that I slowly seperate my flesh. It hurts like fuck if it's deep, but I am strong to to withstand the pain, that makes me feel good. The blood flow makes me feel alive & yes I find it quite beautiful.

It gets so much anger out of my system - deep emotions don't dissipate - they fester until they find an outlet. This way I choose the channel consciously rather than beat someone up or be a belligerent git to my friends & family. ( I do that occassionally yes, but less so I believe as a consequence)

anyway - contentious I know, but since when has reality been comfortable?

Great to see things are working out a bit for you mate. Blue sends her love!! & that's a lot of love for you!!

take care all

wobbles & skate boarding jellymen

xx

Re: cutting is 'fun'
Posted by ChrisE on Fri Aug 10 16:33:01 2001 (#9434)

Well, the world keeps on turning and as sure as night follows day, I fuck up and have another accident. And I have to admit, though I actually managed to scare myself, it'll happen again because this is just what I do. I am a slave to my various addictions and I probably prefer it that way.

Anyway, thanks bud.

Re: written in flesh
Posted by purpurschwarz on Fri Aug 10 20:09:22 2001 (#9438)

only if you are cutting smíling faces into your flesh

poles - sometimes apart
Posted by Jasmins orange on Thu Aug 9 02:59:24 2001 (#9389)

All I ever wanted was for me & everyone else to be happy. How stupid was I! To want more than 'god' could give me & everyone else?! sure I sin, but I was born

a bad mechanic blames his car for not winnning a race why should I 'the car' blame myself for running out of petrol in front of gods omnipotent hands?

so it's down to me then. Shit!.... So much responsibility, so little desire for it Then again - if it's me to blame, it's me that can make it right I don't want to be responsible for myself!!!

Must be someone elses fault all this pain! A shit load of trauma, a moutain of injustice I take drugs coz I want to, I blame the world for how I feel coz I want to

I WANT to feel better! How? victims lust for revenge. Revenge lusts for a victim I don't want to be responsible for another victim

I don't want justice. Punishing those that hurt me will never wipe out the pain I don't want peace, how can a raindrop become if it forever wishes to be a cloud?

I want to create, to become the oak tree that is gestated ( to invent a word!) in my acorn All the ingested poison mutates my cells. I adapt to my environment. I grow taller now I can resist such poison The poison nearly killed me, but now I reach much farther to the sun & it makes me grow evermore

The sun is the light the darkness was too scared to see

Moths worship lightbulbs & burn, I go for the sun If I'm going to burn it has to be a pyromaniacs dream Reach for the heavens wer're all star dust All just dusty stars

pretentious cack aborted

I thankyou

sleep well

pyjamas don't do fuck all aside from 'pyjarm' us. Don't give them 2 much credit - just in case you were about to ....

xx

It never ends
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 9 17:13:21 2001 (#9397)

I have been doing really well this week, no cutting. I have been feeling so much better since I stopped taking my pills (and don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that anyone do it), that I thought maybe I could go longer without cutting.

I've been enjoying myself at work, able to smile once in a while, talk to people like a human being.

But, today, even though I am feeling good, I cut. I think part of it was I wanted to cover the "loser" I carved a week ago (which really bothered me), but I can't think of another reason. I hardly remember doing it.

I was feeling a lot of anxiety this morning, and I don't now, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Keep your head up...

Re: It never ends
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 9 17:26:46 2001 (#9399)

Well done for recognising you have done well, a lot of people don't. The fact you havn't cut in a while is great... if you think you can go for longer, then go for it! dont worry abut complaining, thats what were here for, like you said, keep your head up. good luck.

feel free to email me anytime,

little_joe1@hotmail.com x509@easycheater.net x-509@hackhouse.org

IM's icq: 125934148 aim: icklejoe1 yahoo: little_joe1uk msn: little_joe1@hotmail.com

Re: It never ends
Posted by ChrisE on Thu Aug 9 17:59:42 2001 (#9403)

Everyone falls sometimes. Try not to feel bad about it, just move on. I know that's easily said... Personally, I find there isn't always a correlation between how I feel and when I cut. It's not a logical act, so why should there be? stay strong.

Re: It never ends
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Aug 10 15:12:56 2001 (#9428)

Hi I find it quite difficult to respond to people as I am quite new to this yet but I thing it is great that you have been feeling better lately maybe thats something to concentrate on. Slipping into an old mechanism even though you thought this was over does not mean it will never end.

I gotta leave for a lil!!
Posted by black rose on Thu Aug 9 17:24:25 2001 (#9398)

hi everyone...or whoever cares to read this! I'm going away for a few days to Ohio on vacation! hopefully I'll survive! take care of urselfs! u guys r like family to me... and the only real ppl I can relate to in hard times! g2g! *hugs* Christine

Re: I gotta leave for a lil!!
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 9 17:28:11 2001 (#9400)

have a nice holiday, use it to relax :)

Re: I gotta leave for a lil!!
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 9 17:29:59 2001 (#9401)

You are sooooooooo lucky.....

Getting out of the heat....getting out of MA.

I work in Waltham and am sweating my rocks off!

Have fun!

Re: I gotta leave for a lil!!
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 9 19:57:01 2001 (#9405)

DUDETTE!!!! Where in Ohio are you going????? I LIVE IN OHIO!!! And toxicmind, trust me, there is plenty of heat here! It's been in the 90s for the past few days, and it's muggy....yuck. But there's supposed to be a cold front coming through or something...I dunno. Hopefully it will cool down!

Re: I gotta leave for a lil!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Aug 10 00:40:54 2001 (#9412)

I hope you have fun,Christine. Hang out and do nothing for me,Okay?!!!!See ya when you get back. Love, Rhonda

Child Abuse
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 9 17:31:44 2001 (#9402)

I know alot of people who SI have suffered child abuse before, so i was wondering, how many people here know of any charities that support child abuse ?

Im going todo a sponsored cycle ride ( nearly 20 miles, im a tubby git so i cant do much more than that ) on my bmx.

all the money i raise will go to this/these charities, so wish me luck ! I read this poem on another msgboard, ill try and find it, it was a good poem, but really horrible, i was crying at the end of it, which is why i want to try and help..

Re: Child Abuse
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 9 18:21:59 2001 (#9404)

One of my personal favorites is: http://www.ncmec.org/ International Centre for Missing & Exploited Children

Not only do they do great work with missing kids, but try to stop abuse and child pornography. One of the things I support is reporting Internet child pornographers and have used this site before.

There is no excuse for child abuse: mental, physical or sexual.

One of my proudest moments is beating someone within an inch of his life. He was supposed to be my friend, but I found out about his "activities" before the cops did. I knew his kids really well and when I found out, I snapped.

Never mess with a crazy person.....

:)

Re: Child Abuse
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Aug 9 21:07:58 2001 (#9406)

Try http://www.preventchildabuse.c om/

And thank you for doing this. I'm still in the home with my abuser [my mother] and it gets worse everyday. The world does need more people like you.

Thank you and good luck.

Re: Child Abuse
Posted by little_joe1@hotmail.com on Fri Aug 10 00:04:15 2001 (#9410)

toxicmind - good for you and thanks for the url.. Lindsey, im checking the site out now and the money will be split between those and any other good charities supporting that cause. i am swimming instead of cycling because i nearly ruined my bike today. im not a good swimmer, but i hope to go as far as i can. wish me luck people..

Mommy Dearest
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Aug 9 21:15:03 2001 (#9407)

Mommy Dearest and I were sitting at the kitchen table with the news on in the next room. Said it's going to get nice this weekend, cool down a bit. Mommy Dearest goes, "You hear that Linds? Maybe you can go outside and wear a T-shirt!"

I just wanted to vanish.

Re: Mommy Dearest
Posted by heather on Thu Aug 9 21:51:19 2001 (#9408)

Even tho I dont know you I understand..i bet you have the feeling of helplessnes..like there is a big hole missing in your heart. i have that to..my mom abuses me..but mentally mostly. it gets really hard sometimes to even smile..to even talk. but what i do to help deal with this feeling is to write poems or just write my feelings down or draw or even run...sometimes when i get really upset i go outside and run untill my legs hurt. I hope something i said will help you get through your hard times..and im sorry about your mom not being sensitive to your feelings..with love, heather*

Re:She is only thinking of herself
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Fri Aug 10 09:09:05 2001 (#9427)

Sorry Linds, I got what you wrote. She won't have you showing off your scars. I saw a big, locker sticker at the store the other day that reminded me of my granddaughte, now it seems to fit your mom. It says, "Its All About Me!"

You could just wear what you want and tell her that its to hot to wear anything more. The choice should be your's. Love and hugs...Dawn..overcoming-1

shaking
Posted by Sharon on Fri Aug 10 00:01:26 2001 (#9409)

I have such a compulsion to cut right now. I already cut once on my leg but somehow it wasn't enough. I'm shaking right now, I need to release this tension somehow. God . . . right now there is a bunch of ppl at my house so I can't go and cry or anything, I bleed my tears out instead. I bleed so I won't cry, I cry so I won't bleed, but it's one or the other and sometimes I can't make that choice. People make it for me. If I could just stop this shaking somehow. Gotta go smile for the lions now. Take care all.

hugs,

Sharon

another argument
Posted by little_joe1 on Fri Aug 10 00:29:43 2001 (#9411)

woohoo, my mum just came in, and what a suprise, she shouted. she was drunk, and when she is drunk, she just acts differently, its very strange, i hate it. she comes in, and shouts about how untidy my room is, ok fine, ill tidy it, fair enough.. but no, not enough. she has to point out how lazy i am, how selfish i am, how fucking stupid i am, why i cant ever do anything right, how everything is my fault. like my if my sister ( 20, learning difficulties ) steals something, its my fault for leaving it where she can find it... i don't get it, maybe i am lazy, but i don't need to be told it over and over again.. maybe im over reacting, maybe i shouldnt get so worked up, but im fucking pissed off with her blaming her troubles on me aswell.. sorry bout this, needed somewere to say something...

Re: another argument
Posted by heather on Fri Aug 10 01:37:22 2001 (#9413)

just got your post! you ok? i mean i know exactly what your going through..the other day my lil' bro got hold of my razor..the one to shave mylegs with...and cut his lip and had to go to the hospital and my mom totally blamed it all on me for leaving it for him to get. Im sorry your mom said that to you..i hope your ok..wishing you happiness..heather*~*

just a lil' happiness!!!
Posted by Heather*~* on Fri Aug 10 01:49:05 2001 (#9414)

hey! my mom just got home..and if you read my post "fuck the world" you would know that me and her have not been getting along well. But just about and hour ago my mom came home with a big box..she said it was for me. i opened the box and out came a puppy!!! i have wanted a dog for so long now and my mom said she felt so horrible for what happened the other day that she thought i deserved the puppy..she said she was sorry and hugged me..we both cried and now we are gonna go shopping for doggie stuff...oh and by the way i named my puppy(a girl) pokey..cuz she is always pokeing her nose in my face..hehe

Luv ya all..heather

Re: just a lil' happiness!!!
Posted by little_joe1 on Fri Aug 10 02:15:22 2001 (#9415)

wow! thats great... have fun with the puppy. im glad your getting along with your mum now

Re: just a lil' happiness!!!
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Aug 10 15:18:43 2001 (#9429)

Wow!!!!

Re: just a lil' happiness!!!
Posted by ChrisE on Fri Aug 10 15:43:25 2001 (#9431)

sweet

Re: just a lil' happiness!!!
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 10 16:54:26 2001 (#9435)

::sniff::

I want a puppy......

:)

Re: just a lil' happiness!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 11 01:10:43 2001 (#9447)

Heather, I'm so glad your mom did that for you. Maybe all is not lost. She probably does feel bad for the way she acted and now could be a good time for you guys to talk. Try it and see what happens. If you do try to talk to her, I hope it goes well. Take care. Love, Rhonda

f*cked up
Posted by Lost Girl on Fri Aug 10 02:21:04 2001 (#9416)

hi, i'm new and i've got a lot of problems.. then again who doesn't huh? well i'm just lookin for some people to talk to kinda.. i been cutting a lot lately because of my mom.. she drinks and i cut.. lovely lil' ditty huh? later..

~lost girl

Re: f*cked up
Posted by little_joe1 on Fri Aug 10 02:43:09 2001 (#9418)

welcome to the board, hope we can help...

Re: f*cked up
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 10 02:49:56 2001 (#9419)

Welcome to the board. I cut a lot bc of my mom, too, she doesn't drink but she yells...I think you'll like it here. Everyone is very supportive.

Re: f*cked up
Posted by heather on Fri Aug 10 03:22:59 2001 (#9421)

hey..i cut b/c of my mom and my whole damn life...im kinda new here to but i already love it!!!the poeple here are soo careing its great!! you are more than welcome to post here anytime you need or want!!! dont forget that the moment you posted you became my friend! and if you were to leave i would be very sad to lose my new friend! well g2g for now..luv ya's..heather*~*

thanx
Posted by Lost Girl on Fri Aug 10 04:34:05 2001 (#9423)

thank you all a lot. you all seem so nice already.. i will be moving with my dad soon, but i'll still have computer access. c yaz!

Re: f*cked up
Posted by ChrisE on Fri Aug 10 15:45:30 2001 (#9433)

talking's good... anything you want to say, people here will listen. Hugs.

Re: f*cked up
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 11 01:13:59 2001 (#9448)

Lost Girl, Feel free to come here and talk all you want to. We all listen and try to help each other. As you can tell by my posted name, I'm a mom. My daughter and I are very close(she cuts) and she is one of my best friends. Anyway, I'm here for you and so is everyone else. Love, Rhonda

Re: f*cked up
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sun Aug 12 07:54:45 2001 (#9482)

What you put as subject I had put on a t-shirt once....I'm serious it said "I Am, Then the word FUCKED, on the next line, and "Up" was centered on the third line.

It was the night before that that I realized my life was crap, and I was the biggest pile. that's when I think I finally "came to see" as some ppl say was the starting point of my recovery.

But that was 25 or so years ago. And I'm better. Your life can become better too. Keep coming here. Vent, rant, curse if you need to it is how healing happens.

I'm 49, still a cutter, but I'm so much better now. Email me if you want to talk love and Hugs....Dawn....overcoming-1

plz read-very important-the world's unfair
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 10 03:20:06 2001 (#9420)

I don't understand. I don't understand how things happen that are so unfair.

My cousin just had a little baby girl. Normal delivery, normal baby. Then the baby choked on the micromium and they couldn't get her to breathe for 10 minutes and they think she's going to die.

I don't understand how God can create a perfect little baby, and baby who is wanted and loved, and let my cousin carry her for nine months, and let the baby be born into a family who LOVES IT ALREADY, and then all of a sudden just take it away. I don't understand why He would do that. This baby has a *chance* to pull through, but I don't understand why He would let a little baby who never did anything wrong suffer like that. I know God does things for a reason, and we have to have faith that He knows what He's doing, but I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

And I really did some damage under the sun. My left shoulder is like one big blister, and my eyes and cheeks are so swollen.

And I have a so called "friend" who is treating me like a piece of crap and she's making me really angry.

And I want to cut but the sunburn is hurting me so bad that I don't even have the energy to do anything. All I feel is miserable. Why is all of this happening?

And so I'm asking all of you, please don't even worry about me, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE say a prayer or if you're not religious, do SOMETHING to keep this baby in your thoughts. Please, God, don't let her die. Please everyone PLEASE say a prayer. She's just a little baby.

Re: plz read-very important-the world's unfair
Posted by heather on Fri Aug 10 03:27:49 2001 (#9422)

hey my best friend's sis had a baby and it died to..just about a week ago..i was so upset i felt the same way you did!! I promise to keep her in my thoughts, prayer, and heart!!!! and i will also say a prayer for you..i hope you get better!! tell your cousin im praying for her to!! wishing you happiness...heather*~*

Re: plz read-very important-the world's unfair
Posted by Charlie Nicole on Fri Aug 10 20:34:38 2001 (#9440)

sweetie of course i shall pray for her and i shall get others to pray for her too. and i shall be praying for you too. i hope you feel better soon. keep strong sweetie!! lots of love, Charlie xxx

Re: plz read-very important-the world's unfair
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 11 01:18:17 2001 (#9449)

My prayers will go up for that sweet little baby and for you also. You are still very important in this life. The doctors will do everything humanly possible to save the baby and you have to believe that. If you need to talk, email, okay? Love ya, Rhonda

Re: plz read-very important-the world's unfair
Posted by Maggie on Sat Aug 11 10:33:35 2001 (#9462)

I'm praying for her - and you. Luv Maggie.

i don't know
Posted by Charlie on Fri Aug 10 05:37:52 2001 (#9424)

at the urging of someone i love i said i'd check this place out, so here i am

Re: i don't know
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Aug 10 15:24:49 2001 (#9430)

Hi Charlie It is nice to have you here.

Re: i don't know
Posted by heather on Fri Aug 10 17:39:55 2001 (#9436)

charlie!! hi..im so glad you came! you can come here anytime you want and tell us anything you want..and all we do is try our best to help you out!! luv ya's..and take care..heather*~*

Re: i don't know
Posted by Charlie Hell on Sat Aug 11 00:39:25 2001 (#9445)

thanks for the welcome

Re: i don't know
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 11 01:20:45 2001 (#9451)

Welcome Charlie, This is a good place to come. We're just one big family here and now you'll become part of it. If you ever need to talk, email me. Love, Rhonda

close your eyes
Posted by Charlie Nicole on Fri Aug 10 20:31:37 2001 (#9439)

"close your eyes so you don't feel them they don't need to see you cry i can't promise i will heal you but if you want to i will try to sing this summer serenade the past is done, we've been betrayed, it's true some might say the truth will out but i believe without a doubt in you"

i wish someone felt like that about me. or that i could feel like that about me. i have become obsessed with cutting again. it scares me to see myself headed backwards again. i thought i had gotten better. but i find out i havent. thinking about it night and day. silly charlie. thats what mamma would say. but mamma isnt here.

Re: close your eyes
Posted by heather on Fri Aug 10 20:46:41 2001 (#9441)

WOW..thats all i can say!! you just put into words what i have been feeling the past two years!! luv ya's!!..heather*~*

my lost angel
Posted by heather on Fri Aug 10 21:10:53 2001 (#9442)

What happened to my dear angel with wings??? You promised you would never do this to me!!! you hurt me! you left me standing all alone!! you left me screaming inside for you!! the cutting is all i have and you know that! yet you still judge me!! i hate the way you judge me. you say im stupid for what i do to myself!! well your stupid for not understanding my pain! im hurting inside..im hurting everywhere! im so lost..my feelings are so overwhelming to me!! all i ever wanted was for you to understand why i cry at night! but you dont! you said..no.. you promised you would never do this! i thought you loved me!! i scream every night just to be held..all i ever wanted was to be held close and told that im loved..not you not my mom not even my friends ever did that for me!! yet you still have the nerve to ask why!?!? Why do you cut, heather? why? i'll tell you why! Its b/c i was never loved..im always alone..always so sad.im always crying!! The blood is just my way out! i just hope im able to end it all soon..so i wont be sad anymore..so no more tears can fall from my eyes.

But wait..let me ask you something my "angel with wings" who are you!?!? your me!! i cant belive it!! your me..your me the way i used to be..when i was just a little kid..so happy so carefree!! its been so long since i was you..i had forgotten about you..oh how i just wish i could be you again!!

written with love..heather*~*

"Im drowning in waves of the tears i've cried." a quote from one of my poems...

Re: my lost angel
Posted by Lost Girl on Fri Aug 10 22:07:17 2001 (#9443)

thing wil get better in time. no worries. i'm always willing to listen..

could you tell me something
Posted by only living boy in new york on Sat Aug 11 00:07:05 2001 (#9444)

hello I am new and i have a major problem with two friends of mine you see i have been cutting myself on and off since i was 17 and because i am a fan of the Manic Street Preachers i do not seem to be taken seriously with anything at all. they think i am just copying Richey Edwards and what have you i just wondered if anyone has had a simalar problem andy

Re: could you tell me something
Posted by heather on Sat Aug 11 01:02:22 2001 (#9446)

Hi andy!!!! My name is heather i have been a "cutter" since i was 14. my friends say i only cut for attention!! i got really mad at them for thinking that. but see you gotta try to understand that they dont know what to think of something like that. they dont go through what we go through. they arent turtured with the sadness we feel. so just try to explain to them the way you feel and why you cut..thats what i did and my friends(most of them anyway) belived me and now know that i dont do it for the attention. well thats about all i can say to help. if you ever need someone to talk to you can e-mail me or post here on the board. Wishing you happiness..heather*~*

Re: could you tell me something
Posted by little_joe1 on Sat Aug 11 01:19:28 2001 (#9450)

i hate it when people who are supposed to be your friends do shit like that. i guess its just that they don't understand, but if us humans tried caring a bit more, things might be better. welcome to the board ( sorry for the rant ), need anything, or just wanna chat, email/IM me

msn: little_joe1@hotmail.com yahoo: little_joe1uk icq: 125934148 aol: icklejoe1

Re: could you tell me something
Posted by lost girl on Sat Aug 11 04:03:26 2001 (#9453)

i have had the same problem.. my 'mom' says i just cut because i want attention and i want to control people.. thats bull... i cut to deal with her and the rest of my life.. later

-lost girl

Re: could you tell me something
Posted by onlylivingboyinnewyork on Sun Aug 12 22:24:15 2001 (#9494)

thanks everyone it probably annoys all of us i just get fed up i cover up my scars except for one that i can't so it dosen't happen too often but thanks

no trust
Posted by lost girl on Sat Aug 11 04:56:23 2001 (#9454)

i'm never trusting anyone again... this guy i thought was my friend told me i needed to by locked up for awhile... i feel like shit now... i hate people... so fucking ignorant... be nice if someone would put a bullet through my head... uggh i hope i didn't bring anyone down... i cant wait till i get my anti-depressants on the 15...

Re: no trust
Posted by Charlie on Sat Aug 11 05:44:44 2001 (#9455)

you know that i love you

and you also know that now i'm not going to shut up until i help you to feel a little better

charlie

Re: no trust
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 11 16:02:21 2001 (#9471)

Hang in there. The meds will probably help a lot. Some people are so stupid cause they don't understand what is going on.The best thing you can probably do is ignore him. Take care, Rhonda

is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by diana on Sat Aug 11 06:22:30 2001 (#9456)

i can't take the summer anymore. its so hard.. b/c you're wearing short sleeves and ppl can see you're cuts. So then you can't cut yourself. I have been trying to stop, n i duno if im trying to stop b/c its summer or b/c i really truely want to. So then in the fall/winter, when i can wear long sleeves, i wonder if ill start cutting everyday again. is anyone else like this?

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by little_joe1 on Sat Aug 11 15:30:53 2001 (#9467)

i usually wear long sleeves anyway, no matter what time of year it is. at school, during things like PE and dance(what a pointless subject), i wear a sweatband that covers up most of the bad scars/cuts. people have seen me without it on, when i forget it, and they just go very quite and walk away, or take the piss. other people seem to keep asking me why i wear the sweatband, even though they have seen me without it on, strange people.. wtf do they want ?

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 11 17:09:52 2001 (#9476)

I know exactly what you mean..my goodness..I havent worn a bathing suit all summer, and I probably never willl....
:( My legs breasts, arms, wrists..whatever have cuts, and its so hard to desguise them my family knows now so I can wear what I want around the house but society is harsh on this issues..oh we just want attention, yeahright!!!

its tough but we deal ... e-mail me hang in there love always

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by *me* on Sat Aug 11 22:39:25 2001 (#9479)

I've been doing better w/ my cutting, not doing it everyday and stuff. Esp now that I like, can't move bc of my sunburn!! Hehehe. But, and I know this sounds bad, but lots of times thoughts of the winter have crept into my head. And it's almost like, relief, knowing and wanting the winter to come so that I can cut wherever I want to w/o worrying about the cuts/scars being seen.

Take care and be safe. Lots of love

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by jes on Tue Aug 14 01:18:54 2001 (#9533)

i know what you mean, my family don't know i cut so i cant wear anything short-sleeved around them. But at least b4 i could wear them around some of my friends but i dont seem to be able to do that n e more b/c they all thought i'd stopped (even though a couple of them know i've started again) and i dont want to disappoint them or upset them or n e thing that will hurt them b/c i think i've put them through enough. Does that make sense? I also get worried about myself when i do 'stop' cutting for one eason or another, b/c i've come to look forward to the winter months when i can wear lots of clothes to my hearts content. just about all of the times ive tryed to stop that i can remember were b/c i was scared someone would find out. it's scary. jes x

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 14 21:17:33 2001 (#9557)

yes thats sooooooo me, but ive been losing weight and so ive lost so much weight that i cant maintian body heat so im always cold anyways but when its hot yeah i feel liek taht and i have a cottage and when im there me and my cousins are alway in out in out of teh water so its not like ic an get out change then wait cuz they'll go back in 2o min lata and lay on the beach and when i have fresh marks its just not good!

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by purpurschwarz on Wed Aug 15 13:04:29 2001 (#9587)

that shows YOU that YOU ARE ABLE to stop cutting if there is a need to.

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Aug 17 16:18:23 2001 (#9666)

Yes, I am really dreading the winter when its saunatime again and my parents might see that I cut. I tend to cut into old scars again as well so I do not create new ones

Re: is ne1 else like this?!?!
Posted by lith on Mon Aug 20 11:27:59 2001 (#9751)

i used to be horrified of the warm weather, as everyone wears bathing suits, tank tops, etc. i used to swim in a tank top and shorts (as opposed to the two piece i used to wear years ago). and...as the years have passed, i've become very comfortable with my scars and stopped caring about what other people think. sure, people stare and whisper, but i couldn't care much less anymore. i figure, it's MY body, and MY life, why should i care about what other people think? as long as i'm comfortable with myself, that's all that matters...

Changes come fast of the board
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sat Aug 11 06:29:04 2001 (#9457)

Since my granddaughter's been here 6 days now I'thought very little of me........well that is not true. My world has revolved around me. No I did not cut myself, but I did injure myself badly. I was taking too many pills at night to ward off anxiety, pain, and muscle tension and found myself waking up in my recliner (unreclyned) with my head and hands drooping toward the ground. Another place I woke up was in the bathroom and one night when I went to stand up my right foot and leg up to my knee had totally gone numb and I fell hard and fast. I sprang an ankle, a finger, cracked a rib under my right arm, and messed up my back

I don't need to cut. My body is in enough pain. oh yeah....and I injured my right knee, the one I've had 2 surgeries on and found out it was going to get worse instead of better. Well its worse now.

So I come on the board and find new ppl on and only a few of the others.

Have you heard the expression "the same old shit different day. Well that seems to ring true of the board.

We all have one thing in common, either we or our loved ones need support dealing with our own personal lives

There is a part of me who is waiting for my daughter to pick up my granddaughter so that I can cut. BBuuuuuttttt I have an important appointment coming up

a poem for you.
Posted by little_joe1 on Sat Aug 11 15:39:42 2001 (#9469)

i found this, and though i don't like it, it seems to inspire lots of people. hope it helps you, and if it doesn't sorry for wasting your time...

Don't Quit

When things do wrong as they sometimes will, When the road your trudging seems all up hill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must but don't you quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow- You may succeed with another blow. Success is failure turned inside out- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far; So stick to the fight when your hardest hit- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit

Re: Changes come fast of the board
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 11 16:10:01 2001 (#9472)

Hey Dawn, I'm sorry you've hurt yourself but hang in there. Did you have a good time with your granddaughter? You're right, there are a lot of new faces on the board. I've tried to respond to them at one time or another, but I hope I'm not making a pest of myself. If I am, someone please let me know. I've sent you another postcard, so you should get it next week, I hope. Please take care of yourself, Dawn. You are a special friend. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Changes come fast of the board
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 11 17:05:58 2001 (#9475)

hang in there Dawn...... You'll get through this, Im sure you know that. Love always kat-Jessica ps.I sent you an e-mail!

Thanks EVERYONE!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Sun Aug 12 08:22:08 2001 (#9484)

Thank you one and all for your words of kindness. I'm afraid I've been tired and irratable all day.

I Hate Pain !!!!!! and I Hate Nightmares. I woke up this morning from a horrible one and got out of the house as soon as I could. And it worked to get the horriblness out of my head.

In it, no one would believe me or do anything to stop it, and in the end I realized the guy was screwing everyone, and if they even hinted that it I was right it would be bad news for them ooh it was crazy making. And I do that well

How do you explain you scars to a 6 year old?
Posted by Dawn....Overcoming-1 on Sat Aug 11 06:42:45 2001 (#9458)

Tears are in my eyes even though I answered her question yesterday. You see its old hat to me. Most are faded to white line. But when she asked at the dinner table I lookd pleadingly into my b/f's face and he shuck his head no, but I knew I needed to answer her. I reminded her how when I used to babysit her I would have stitches in my arms and I talked to her about how she cries, and explained that grandma cuts herself instead of cries Ok I got to get outta here before there is a need to visit the ER.

And here's some interesting news a bush behind my friend's apt. caught on fire and someone walking past got the fire out before the firetruck arrived

I think its time to more pills and sleep, blessed escaping sleep

Re: How do you explain you scars to a 6 year old?
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 11 16:54:34 2001 (#9473)

Oh Dawn...please please..you know you can e-mail me when you feel like this, besides I really need your help right now.

take care. dont cut..please. love ya-KAT "Jessica"

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