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Threads 2251 to 2300

dissociative, very bad.... never like this before!
Posted by lys?? on Fri Jul 27 05:12:40 2001 (#9051)

well, I was posting on another board at queendom, and I was writing something that caused me to dissociate. I just kept writing. At the end of the letter, I signed the name 'lisa'. Now, I guess the weird and scary part is the fact that I really don't remember this much. I have vauge recollections of trying to stop writing that name, but I couldn't. I swear, it was fucked up. royally. can someone help me with this??? I feel like a psycho!!! please help, lyssie

ps- it went away when I cut...

Re: dissociative, very bad.... never like this bef
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jul 28 02:17:52 2001 (#9074)

I'm sorry to say that your post is all too familiar. I am a multiple. I lose a lot of time and do things that I don't remember doing. My friends get e-mails and phone calls from me when I'm not me. (they all sign their own name with the friends who know about them.) Sometimes it feels like a freak fest, but DID (dissociative identity dissorder, otherwise known as multiple personalities) is more common than people once thought. Now, don't get me wrong, I NOT saying that you are a multiple for sure, but that is what it COULD be. Talk to your therapist or doctor and they can help. This is especially important if you are not always the one who cuts. (I have one alter inparticular who cuts without me sometimes.) Be careful, and take care. This is not the end of the world, it just feels like it sometimes.

not all of it
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 05:20:05 2001 (#9052)

im sorry ive been posting alot but anyway ummmm even if i DO go on meds that doesn take away the fear of becomign fat does it or anything like taht like i haet to eat it makes me feel like shit and i want to throw up after( i dont) but i want to and the meds wont take that away will they?

Re: not all of it
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 28 03:24:19 2001 (#9077)

I think it depends on which 1's u take...cuz they work to prevent different emotions!

bad sgins
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 20:04:01 2001 (#9066)

well its me again sorry to bother u i wont for a be back here for a while so this is my last one but um i just got really upset of the stupidest stupidest thing and i cut i mena normalyy i wouldnt do that but this time i did, and i dont know why is that a bad sgin?

Re: bad sgins
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 28 03:22:55 2001 (#9076)

1st of all...y r u leaving??? jw! 2nd... I dunno what to tell u about the cutting over something stupid...I've done it alot of times b4 and I don't even know y cuz I didn't usually do that either! sry! *hugs* Christine

I don't get it
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 27 22:09:34 2001 (#9070)

I have left this place for a while but not that long, I just don't understand. I know and hope I have to be wrong but is it just me or does anyone else notice that it seems like cutting has become a trend. I mean honestly is it me?? Have more people been lucky enough to speak out about it, does cutting affect more people then I thought..when I first did it a while ago I thought I was the only one, but then I found out I wasn't and no one can ever understand another persons sorrows they can feel bad for them but they will never walk down the road I have. Cutting looks to me like a trend..do it becasue it looks good, I heard a girl say that before! My god..I wish !! oh how I wish I could knock some sence and understanding into some people..and other people I just wish to knock out..but I know I can't..well some of you might be offended by this, please dont be that was NOT my intentions at all!! Hell..most of you probably wont read it, but I had to get it out..I have alot of feelings so deep that are stuck..but they are slowly pushing their way out with a fight! and it hurts!! love you all!

Re: I don't get it
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 22:56:31 2001 (#9071)

yeah i see it to kinda at my school i HAVE to wear long sleeves b/c they dontwant ppl cuttign me if i dont and a teachers sees they send me down to guidnce

Re: I don't get it
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 28 00:55:23 2001 (#9072)

I don't think it's becoming a trend, I just think more people are "coming out" about it. I know there are some who still try to hide it and that's okay, but more of them are maybe finding help and are now more willing to talk about it. I think it's been around for a long time, nobody was just willing to talk about it. Kind of like being gay was a few years back. You didn't talk about "such things" even as early as 5 years ago cause it would probably cause problems. I don't really think it's good for you physically to keep secerts. It takes a lot of energy to do that. But I can understand why some people would. See ya'll later. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I don't get it
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 28 03:20:43 2001 (#9075)

KAT, I know what u mean...cutting is growing more and more...and I hate it when ppl start cutting for no reason...I've seen it b4! I mean u don't exactly have to have this big reason of y u cut...but u just cant do it cuz u saw someone else do it that's in pain and ur not! it's kinda like they're mocking u! o well...that's just what I think about it! I really wish I could just show them how much pain I've gone thru or ne one that cuts just to show them that it's not always the best thing...and we don't do it just bcuz...we do it for a reason! I wish I could just show them how it feels to cry urself to sleep every night when they were small...have ur family laugh at u cuz u made 1 final reach out to them w/a suicide note and have them not take it to heart but laugh just F*CKING LAUGH in their face! or be raped repeatedly by a family member or c ur so called "perfect family" fall apart b4 ur very eyes...and no 1 cares what happens to u! I wish they could even feel the pain of 1 of those things and have much more happen cuz I can't even name half the stuff that even 1 person could go thru! u can name painful things over and over but they'd never even give 2 SH*TS about it unless they know how it feels! :*( *hugs* Christine

Re: I don't get it
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jul 28 09:09:04 2001 (#9083)

Actually, cutting and other self abuse has been around for a long long time. It has been a popular coping mechanism for at least 40 years, and that doesn't count coping before it was popular. It's just that these days it has been finally gaining awarness in the media and other circled of interest.

Tara's 18th birthday!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 28 01:15:28 2001 (#9073)

I just wanted to let ya'll know that tomorrow, July 28th, is Tara's 18th birthday! She's come so far and I'm so proud of her. I know she still struggles with the urge to cut almost every day, but is able to overcome it. She has all of ya'll to thank cause you've always been there for her. You encourage her so much and that helps a lot, so thank you, from me. I know she doesn't post as much as she used to, but she is really busy in her job right now. I think she did post the other night. She got her first paycheck yesterday! After giving me the money she owed me, she went and bought her some new clothes! That always makes her happy. I hope ya'll will keep encouraging her cause you understand her a lot better than I do. Anyway, send her a card. She loves email. Gotta go bake her cake now. I sure wish I could send ya'll a piece of it, but I'll think about you when I eat it.(HA!HA!) Take care. Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: Tara's 18th birthday!
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jul 28 09:11:06 2001 (#9084)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TARA!!! WOW! 18! MY B-DAY IS THE 29TH. CANGRATS FELLOW LEO.

Re: Tara's 18th birthday!
Posted by *me* on Sat Jul 28 21:32:12 2001 (#9094)

Happy birthday Tara and Rabbit!! I hope this next year brings you happiness and joy!! :-)

Re: Tara's 18th birthday!
Posted by linzee on Mon Jul 30 22:04:03 2001 (#9144)

HAPPY BIRFDAY TARA_ im proud of u to! :):):)- hehee

Re: Tara's 18th birthday!
Posted by purpurschwarz on Mon Aug 6 19:35:17 2001 (#9309)

alles gute zu deinem geburtstag, tara ! :-)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TARA!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 28 08:40:43 2001 (#9082)

I wish you a HAPPY birthday Love overcoming-1

BPD, a treatable Illness
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 28 09:37:30 2001 (#9085)

Dr. Leland Heller believes that BPD is a "medical problem, Masquerading, as an emotional illness. He also believes that through a combination of medical/genetic disposition and emotional trauma, such as "incest, rape, child abuse, early parental loss, and even adoption, can set a person up for brain damageand uncontrollable mood swings. He says, "Denial won't make it go away." And he also says, "I feel very strongly that this disorder CAN BE BEATEN."

I want to add something of my own. When I first received my copy of his book, "Life At The Border" I circled every symptom that applied to my life at that time. Some remained uncircled." but later I went back and circled the ones that applied at some point in my life: like alcohol and drugs, reckless driving, unstable relationship, (I think being molested and raped by over 150 different ppl) qualifies as unstable relationships, and if they don't, marrying the same alcohol twice, and divorcing him twice, then rescuing a guy 12 years younger than me by marrying him, because his parents wanted me to, because they were tired of rescuing him. Yeah, I think that qualifies.

Now I've said all that to say that as I looked back over my life I could see that my depression and BPD manifested itself in different ways throughout my life.

Before I got my first car when I was 24 reckless driving was not an issue for me, and before the walls in my brain released the conscious knowledge of my rapes and molestation my memory was sharp. I just put out of my everyday mind how my mother treated me, and my siblings, my fathers' suicide attempt, and never once was it a conscious thought that I feared abandonment, that I hated myself, or that I had mood swings.

The truth is I avoided my mother and home. I ran away from home 9 times (and if any of you are contemplating running away.....make it a last ditch solution. Trust me you don't want to live of the streets, and sometimes your friends household may be even my dysfunctionable than the one you have.....not to say that ppl may tell you all you have to do is clean the house ane cook, and you can have free room and board....Its a big lie designed to get you in a position of powerlessness and danger.

This illness, that I have called BPD, can be beaten. EMDR the eye-movement treatment I told you all about before helps to "unstick" memories, feelings, and thoughts. And it works It is amazing the results it gets just 1-3 minutes. But you need to be willing and courageous enough to open up your heart, soul and mind and expose the roots of your problem to your conscious mind.

one more thing. I get emails from ppl you say they read the posting on the board but do not respond because they can't talk about their problems. I lived almost 40 years before I would allow myself to remember the bad things in my life. I did it out of fear. Fear keeps us prisoners in our own minds, It is like we are wearing shackles. If we wan't to be free we need to let everyting come out into the light. And the amazing things that happens is the problems begin to shrink and shrivvel up in the light.

Well I hope this helped at least one person, besides myself Love you all Dawn

Re: BPD, a treatable Illness
Posted by divingmermaid on Sun Jul 29 13:41:20 2001 (#9107)

I have heard of EMDR from a friend. Is it only for trauma patients? What if the pain in my life has been really bad from chilhood on but nothing really traumatic happend. Do I hurt, have an eating disorder, hate myself and cut just for the way I am genetically made up? By the way I can check this forum only at work so I may not to be able to look every day but I would love to be part of it. Love Christina

Tara
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Jul 28 16:33:23 2001 (#9086)

Hey tara, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch much lately. Haven't really been in to work much for a long time, don't have e-mail access at home etc etc crap excuses I know. Don't remember not replying to you, though you're probably right, I'll check and reply.

I've not been great, but I'm getting help now.

Hope you're feelin ok, love and hugs, chris

I know it's not that great
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Jul 28 17:20:17 2001 (#9088)

I don't come to this board because I think it's good for me or something, I know it's not, it may put a smile on my face, to hear about everyone's stories and know there's other people who know what I'm going through, but I know it's not real, I wish it was, actually, I don't. It's such a hard thing to deal with, you don't know what I'm going through, you can't possibly understand. Like people, We're all different. I can't understand what you people are saying sometimes because I feel so different and far away. I have a feeling if we were all in a room together, I would be in the corner, away from you all, because I know for a fact, I'm much more different than all of you, I know each of you are different, one by one, so what am I complaining about? I geuss I still feel alone here. I don't believe in God, or anything, for that matter. I am so fucking hopeless, I called the kid's help phone the other night and all they told me was to talk to my doctor, fuck them, I fucking hate that. Why can't I find someone, anywhere who can just talk, for the sake of talking? I am so fucing angry right now, so don't mind my fucking little rant. I went to watch the fireworks last ngiht with my mom and my sister, I showed my mom the scratch on my leg, where I scratched myself up, and she told me, "you have to stop doing that" , I loved her for that, I finally cried, I wanted to go to the hospital yesterday morning because I had a headache that wouldn't go away and my stomach was killing me form making myself vomit and I was pulling out my hair, and I just can't stop hurting myself, for anyone. Ya, I know I'm fucked up. I love my family, and I love myself, and I love the beauty self injury gives me and makes me feel, but sometimes it's just so much, adn until yesterday I didn't have tears, but no matter what, I feel like I can't stop cutting, burning, smoking, drinking, ect, ect. I just want soemone to talk to, someone who won't say that I don't need God in my life or whatever. Don't get the wrong impression here, I love the fact that you people have faith, but lately, in real life, I've been talking to so many people that say to me how much God loves me and how much he wants to be in my life, bla bla bla... I just get so sick of people pushing something that I can't handle or won't take in, onto me, ya know? I'm just saying I have no one and I need someone, who can push me down and tell me I'm shit, because I know I am. Everyone's saying what a great person I am and all that, I can't stand it, we're all great people, I know that, I understand that. Sometimes I feel like Lisa in Girl, Interuppted (I fucking hate that movie), how she's pushed so many buttons and no one dared to push hers, I feel like that, I know what she means. I'm that mean cold person, I wish I could say things to people and not hurt them or end up hurting them, sometimes I feel like that's all they need. I never end up saying them. People are so fucking sensitive.

"I talk to God but the sky is empty" - Sylvia Plath

Re: I know it's not that great
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 28 19:44:26 2001 (#9093)

we're not all alike here, and I know that...the things we have in common may be few but we still have them to relate to 1 another! I'm not a god person myself and I don't care when ppl talk about god to me...I love it that they have faith and everything but it's just not what I believe or ne thing! u may feel alone here, but atleast know that we do know what it feels like to go thru atleast 1 of the things u've gone thru! not everyone has the same problems...but in the end they feel just about the same...depending on how they handle it, and we handle it by SI! something we all do and can talk about freely here w/o being criticised! I g2g 4 now! *hugs* Christine

Re: I know it's not that great
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 29 00:35:09 2001 (#9096)

Emily, we are all different, the only common bond most of us have is self injury. I tell my boyfriend when he says, "you SHOULD" to me that I am not him. That is what I am hearing from you. You feel shitty, you feel alone. You say if we were all together in a room you'd be the one in the corner....There is only one problem with that. 1 room usually only has 4 corners, which means you probably wouldn't be alone in the corner you choose.

Re: I know it's not that great
Posted by emily hopeless on Wed Aug 1 07:49:51 2001 (#9175)

Iknow what you mean but its the feeling that's worse. I'm fucking hopeless now i'm drunk. I don't know what to do i'm feeling fucking hopeless. i haven't seen a psychiatrist in fucking 4 years. And i fucking need help like you wouldn't know. I've been through so much shit that you wouldn't fucking understand, not like men liku guys always talk about. Its fucking about me and i don't fucking understand myself. I'm so fucking lazy all i want to do is sleep. I lnow i'm fucking worth something i know i'm important and all that, but that doesn't fucking help me from feeling shitty. Its about my fucking self worth and not my worth to other people. I'm fucking drunk right now so sorry about all the swearing.

A Poll..Anyone feeling alone, shitty, or angry?
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 29 00:48:40 2001 (#9097)

This board is here to help us cope with our thoughts and feelings, so that "hopefully" we will not act on them.

We are not all alike, we have different backgrounds, different struggles, but I would hazzard a guess the most of us feel like our lives are shitty, we are shitty, we feel totally angry when we are not understood or listened to, and we have urges to harm ourselves, even take our own lives.

So if you relate to any or all of these plez respond saying which of these things apply to you

Re: A Poll..Anyone feeling alone, shitty, or angry
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 29 03:13:14 2001 (#9099)

I feel like all those and more...and I hate it...I hate it all! :o( *hugs* Christine

Re: A Poll..Anyone feeling alone, shitty, or angry
Posted by diana on Sun Jul 29 06:08:22 2001 (#9102)

i feel shitty b/c i ate so much damn food 2day. i can't do nething rite nemore

Re: A Poll..Anyone feeling alone, shitty, or angry
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 29 07:15:13 2001 (#9103)

I feel so VERY alone, I feel angry at myself and at my mother, I feel sh*tty about everything about myself and this world. So, all apply. And I feel lotsa other crappy emotions, too.

Re: A Poll..Anyone feeling alone, shitty, or angry
Posted by Jess on Sun Jul 29 20:11:44 2001 (#9110)

feel shitty so end my life

Re: A Poll..Anyone feeling alone, shitty, or angry
Posted by FadingLight on Mon Jul 30 08:31:57 2001 (#9132)

I'm crying now....i don't even know why. nothing even happened....i already cut myself once, i can't do it again....i can't sleep...i won't eat...i won't leave myroom...i just want to die so bad right now. nothing even happened today! i should be happy dammit! my mom finally let me dye my hair turquoise. so why the hell am i so sad! i hate this...i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. i want to die. i wish i could...but i can't. not tonight. some other night....tears....

i hate the way i am feeling now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Sun Jul 29 02:32:05 2001 (#9098)

hey guys,

hows it going?not that great here.i am at my friends house.where my ex lives.he has another girl here and is not even paying the slitest bit of attention to me.that makes me feel shity on my b-day.i just want to walk up to him and hit him in the mother fuckin head as hard as i can.that is how mad he makes me.so enough about me how are all of you guys doing?i hope ok.i don't want anything to happen to any of you.you guys have always been there for me when i need you.well gotta go.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS

Re: i hate the way i am feeling now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 29 03:17:38 2001 (#9100)

Tara, I know he has another girl there and u want him to pay attention to u, but he has to atleast u give some attention...although his gf is there even the slitest amount should help alil considering he has a new bf! maybe he wasn't paying toOo much attention cuz he may feel kinda oukward...I dunno what to say! sry hun! *hugs* Christine

Re: i hate the way i am feeling now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 29 07:59:50 2001 (#9105)

Tara, honey" I know how you feel. My ex was trying to convince me we should get back together and it was the town's big day, and I was busy most of it which left him plenty of time to do what he did best...drink beer. We were leaving, which meant we had to walk through the dancers. After walking through the crowd I turned around he wasn't there so I backtracked. I found him in the arms of another woman less than a foot away from the water in a lagoon in the park. I was so angry I thought of pushing both of them into the water. I can't tell you how hard it was not to do it. It hurt bad. He wouldn't dance with me earlier because of the uneven ground.

It is natural to feel hurt and jealous and angry....even sad. But you want to know a secret?....well it really isn't a secret....but it was to me back then. What I didn't know was the "feelings have no brains....they just are!

They are normal emotional responses to stimuli

We are the ones the take them to heart and hold onto them, and sometimes put the responsibility of them on others. But the "whoever" isn't responsible.... and they don't feel our feelings....because they are our feelings. And how we deal with them is our choice to make.

Another lecture finished love and hugs Dawn

I'm back early
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Jul 29 05:25:23 2001 (#9101)

I came home early. My god the things going on at my sister's home really prove that my problems are nothing but pety.

Anyway, I'm back.

Re: I'm glad you're back!!!!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 29 08:13:42 2001 (#9106)

Isn't it funny how that happens. After my breakdown I moved to California to be close to my sisters and some weren't even talking to each other, or if one visited the wrong one first feelings were hurt for days. And I'm the one with a signed court document saying I'm disabled, not crazy, just disabled for life.

Then I moved to be close to my adult children. And lo and behold they go flipping nuts.

I discovered that love from afar is much better.

It's all I can handle living my own life.

I am so glad your back. I sent you an e-card and got no responce, so I lumped you in with the others who probably didn't want to get a card from me. I totally forgot you were gone. I've been so worried about emm. She took a bunch of pills and said goodbye. I'm scared. Many of us are scared...and sad.

Hopefully she will be back with us soon. Sure glad you are back.....I missed you...love and hugs Dawn

Re: I'm back early
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 29 18:05:31 2001 (#9108)

YAY! ur back! :o) hehe!

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! MOM???
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 29 18:25:26 2001 (#9109)

rRrRrR!! I knew this was gonna happen but not like this! My parents came home totally drunk last night (not suprising for my mom cuz she drinks herself stupid at time and is trying to starve herself to loose weight, not a good idea)! They were fighting like hell...they always fight! my mom came in the door crying her eyes out saying she wanted to leave so she packed her bags and tossed them into her car...but we hid her keys, if she wasn't drunk we'd give them to her but she could barely walk straight! my dad didn't even get out of the car, he passed out a few minutes after pulling into the driveway...nice knowing he's on the road! me and my sibs had to hold my mom down on the couch until she fell asleep cuz we were gonna let her drive as soon as she sobered up! that was around 2:00am...it's 12:20now...she woke up a lil while ago and hasn't left yet but I think she's gunna l8er 2night no matter what I or ne 1 else says! she's going to Pennsylvania to go w/her *boyfriend*! when she leaves my dad for another guy fine...cuz I want that, she's better off...but when she leaves her whole entire family behind for that jerk-off in another state cuz he wont move...that makes me pissed! she's leaving me 1 way or another...I just wish she would stay close! she was the person I was closest to in my family...now that she's leaving...my blades have become my best friends!

I g2g! sry for wasting ur time! I'm suprised if u even made it this far! *hugs* Christine

Re: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! MOM???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 29 23:33:51 2001 (#9115)

Christine, I'm so sorry. Parents can be real jerks some times. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't. Please remember that I'm here if you want to talk. I'll listen. Please take care of yourself, you're worth it. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! MOM???
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 30 04:31:54 2001 (#9125)

If is isn't one thing its another....life stinks sometimes. I'm sorry your life is so shitty.

Your post reminded me of my old life. More of less the same kind of scenerio. It is a crazy life, no wonder you cut.

Like Rhonda there is no advise or words to help you except that you are tougher than even this and you have support here on the board Love and Hugs....Dawn

Re: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! MOM???
Posted by linzee on Mon Jul 30 22:00:15 2001 (#9143)

christine u are always and i mean always there for me and i love it so much, im sorry to hear about ur mom. i know she still loves u and i know that ur blades are not ur best friend i feel like that every day its not true. dont worry awwwww babe. i love try try try plz try to stay safe!

Re: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! MOM???
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 31 02:04:35 2001 (#9151)

I'm so sorry sweetie. I swear sometimes parents really suck!! I don't know what else to say other than be careful. We all love you, so try to take care of yourself as best as you can.

Re: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!! MOM???
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 3 18:27:04 2001 (#9238)

Hang in there Rose....

I don't understand why parents do this to their kids. I have three of my own, and even with all of the crap I have to deal with, I can't fathom creating pain for them.

Remember, the razors aren't your only friends. I may be new here, but I have read many of the old posts, and it sounds like there are many people who care about you.

Add me to the list. We MA residents have to stick together.

Later

i have this problem..
Posted by diana on Sun Jul 29 20:55:33 2001 (#9111)

now that i'm trying not to cut, i am doing other things. Like controlling what i eat, drinking a lot, and smoking. But i'm only 14. Can you become an alcoholic at the age of 14? b/c my friend told me that she thinks im becoming one. But i don't think i am.

Re: i have this problem..
Posted by Amanda on Sun Jul 29 22:00:35 2001 (#9113)

it is possible to become an alcoholic not matter what age you are. so it is vital that you get this undercontrol. at 14 you should not really be drinking a lot as it is very harmful. im 14 and i saw one of my friends nearly die from drinking. his liver could not cope with the alcohol. please try to sort this out and if you need to chat then feel free to email me.

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: i have this problem..
Posted by ChrisE on Mon Jul 30 14:53:57 2001 (#9137)

Yes you can is the simple answer. Without meaning to patronise you, drinking at your age is gonna do much more damage than it would do to an adult as you are still growing and are therefore more susceptible to damage. The issue is also that if you develop a problem so young, you may never be able to defeat it. Alcohol is a nasty drug. It's also very accessible, which makes it very difficult to avoid.

But keep things in perspective, if you're just having a couple of drinks every now and then, I wouldn't worry too much. Just don't let it become a habit that interferes with the rest of your life.

In case you wondered, I'm a low-level alcoholic. It has caused me many problems over the last couple of years.

so this is how it is......
Posted by Amanda on Sun Jul 29 21:56:45 2001 (#9112)

im not doing to badly at the moment. but after my relapse the other week, i constanly think about how easy it was to do it. and how great it might be to do it again. i know that i shouldnt but all i can think about is the ruby red blood, slowly dripping off my arm. hypnotizing me with its warmth and beauty. the tickling feeling that it gives me as it slides down my arm and the comfort i feel once i see the slash in my skin. every night when i go to bed its all i can think about. no matter how hard i try i just cant get it out of my head. i think about the codl blades and the warm blood. the contrast, to me is so enchanting and wonderful. i want to feel it again. i want to be able to feel the way it made me feel a few months back. i want control over my life again. I WANT MY LIFE THE WAY IT USED TO BE!!!!! i dont know why but its worse in the evenings, possibly because that is when im alone and i used to always cut at night. im not sure but the craving for it is so strong. i dont think im strong enough to resist it. but i have a nagging voice in my head saying "you cant do that, think about sam and leslie" (my best mate and my b/f) and part of me reaslises that this voice is right. IF i cut thses two people, the two most important people to me will be hurt and upset. i know they wont be angry as they never have been but they both get extreemly upset and try to blame themselves. i tell them that its not their fault but they still think it is. they think they are to blame as they werent there to help me or stop me. they dont listen to me when i tell them that i didnt want them to stop me, or when i tell them that part of me wants to do it. they just keep tellinbg me how dangerouse it is and how much they hate seeing me hurt myself. but i know thses things, i know its dangerouse and i know i could die if i wasnt carefull. but that wont stop me as it gives me the control over my life that i need. it enables me to run my life in MY way. not have to let my life take me where it wants to go. it means i chose the path my life takes, BUT do i want to chose the path that leads to unhappyness??? i dont think i do. people tell me the scars are ugly, but they are not!!! each one tells me a story, each one has its own story and each one speaks to me. each one tells me something different because each one tells me a part of my life, each tells of the day it was born. the feelings i had and the reasons it was put there. my scars are a part of me and i wouldnt get rid of them even if i oculd. some have faded almost out of sight, and i hate that. it means that i have lost a part of my soul. a part of me has faded with each scar that has gone. i dont want my scars to leave me. most people leave me, i dont want my scars to do the same. my step dad left me, i have had to leave friends, friends have left me. so if my scars stay at least i will have kept a part of me. it hurts me to be away from the people i love so i want to hurt myself physically(sp!!) so that the emotional pain leaves. but is this justified? as i hurt so many others in the process. this thought eats away at me, yet at the same times its part of what stops me cutting. but what i cant decide is wheather or not i WANT to sotp. i thought i did untill i cut again recently. but im not to sure anymore. as i do injoy it, it gives me a feeling of power that my life lacks. but is that a just reason to hurt so many others? let me know what you think and im sorry for the ranting, had to get it off my chest.

Love and Hope Amandaxxx

Re: so this is how it is......
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 31 02:44:56 2001 (#9153)

After wading through the muck and mire of your bloody story, I came upon the one thing its all about....control. When I first started cutting I really got off on the power and control trip cutting has. People who cared would take my scared arms and runs their soft hands over the wounds and the scars and cry with me as I would tell them about being raped and abused. Many though would almost....well no almost to it, they would plain shake their finger at my face and tell me to "not even cut again....call me, day or night, but no more cutting." And inside I'd laugh, and think "like that's going to stop me"

Yes our "tools" give us power and control, but at what cost?

I need help!
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 29 23:08:00 2001 (#9114)

if u read my other e-mail and responded...great...but I need help on how I can get my parents to divorce and get my mom to stay close! does ne 1 have ne ideas cuz I don't know what to do ne more! everything is so overwelming! I g2g...my razors r calling! *hugs* Christine

Re: I need help!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 29 23:44:32 2001 (#9117)

Oh Christine, I wish I could help by telling you something good to do, but the truth is, you can't make your parents do anything they don't want to do. It's their decision. About the only thing you can do is maybe talk to them and tell them your feelings. Even then that won't do much probably. I really hope your mom does stay close. Kids need their parents more than they think they do sometimes although I agree we can be a real pain in the ass sometimes too. I hope you find the answers you're looking for honey. Just remember, I'm always here. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: I need help!
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 29 23:59:46 2001 (#9120)

I don't wanna be left w/my dad for a parent...me and my sibs all agree that he's not fit to raise a kids! has ur dad ever drove ne 1 soOo nuts in your house where they either drink themselves stupid...or another 1 pulls a knife out on him? it's scary here...and unbearable w/my dad!

Re: I need help!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 31 00:44:21 2001 (#9149)

Hey girl, Have you tried talking to your mom about this problem? If all of your siblings got together and told her, maybe she could do something. I really hope so. Wish I had some words of wisdom that would help you out, but all I can say is I'm here for you. You're tough and can handle this. I believe in you honey. Take care and let me know what happens, okay? Love ya, Rhonda

To Rabbit
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 29 23:48:12 2001 (#9118)

Have a happy birthday Rabbit. I hope the day goes really good for you. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: To Rabbit
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 31 01:59:55 2001 (#9150)

I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :) Thanks, Rabbit

Whoa ... what happened with Emm?
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 30 01:01:33 2001 (#9121)

What's up with Emm??? What happened? When'd it happen? What's going on?

Re: Whoa ... what happened with Emm?
Posted by linzee on Tue Jul 31 03:18:40 2001 (#9154)

yay i want to know to ive e-mailedher so much and she hasnt e-mailed back im worried ma lil emm!:(

To Dawn
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 30 03:55:15 2001 (#9123)

Dawn, is there a reason why you ALWAYS make sense to me? *giggles, smiles & gives you a hug*

Re: To Dawn
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 30 04:54:15 2001 (#9126)

Thanks for the compliment. It means a lot. I often feel like most people on here don't read my posts. But I tell myself that if only a few do then that is what I'm here for.

About emm, if you can go to 7/21 and read her post. Its the last time she's posted.

Well I have an early appt tomorrow, so I needed to take my meds early and they are kicking my but Love and Hugs....Dawn

oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 30 04:19:43 2001 (#9124)

I guess the only 1 that cares enough to read my posts is Rhonda (thank you by the way)! either that or u don't know exactly what to say..which I can understand! I'm torn between two things right now that's driving me absolutely nuts...razor or knife! I odn't know whether to live or die right now...but I guess I'll find out l8er! *hugs* b*bye Christine

Re: oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 30 05:26:24 2001 (#9128)

I tried to email you and the message came back. I care about you. You are stronger than you think, you can cope with this. You are not alone many of us care. Love and hugs....Dawn

Re: oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by Linda on Mon Jul 30 05:32:30 2001 (#9129)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (Christine)))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))I have just read your post about your mom and dad and it breaks my heart. I wish I was there to take you home with me. I don't have any words that will make your pain easier. What you are going through is horrible. I only can say that I know there is a God in heaven who cares for you. He will most probably not perform a miracle tonight to keep your family together, BUT I have seen Him perform other miracles in time, when people yield to his control. I know you don't believe the same way that I do but I just hope you can be encouraged to pray to the ONLY true God. I wishes were actions, I would be right beside you right now, hugging you and trying to help you through this situation. Unfortunately I am not able to be in Mass. I will most assuredly be praying for you. My heart is heavy and breaking for you!!!

Re: oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 30 05:33:55 2001 (#9130)

Christine I care about you SOOO much. I don't know what advice to give you though. Know that I'm always hear for you and to listen to you!! Stay safe.

Lots of love

Re: oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jul 30 09:09:51 2001 (#9133)

You already know that I care for you... I understand that things are hard on you at the moment, and I don't know how I would cope in a similar situation. But I think so far you are doing great, and you don't need your razors to make things easier. Please don't hurt yourself anymore than you already have... your last ones are bad enough. Suicide is completely not the way to go either... Please email me again soon... if you give me your number, I'd be happy to call you to talk some more. Just stay safe!

(((((CHRISTINE))))) Luv Maggie.

Re: oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by divingmermaid on Mon Jul 30 21:04:36 2001 (#9141)

Dear Christine! I really care about you and about you situation although I have never met you. I feel so helpless though I wish I could change your situation but I know that I can not. I just want to say that I am really really sorry for you and for what you are going through (not much consolation though ey?) some time ago someone told me that tomorrow always comes and although I could not quite belive it in that moment ...it did. Love Christina

Re: oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jul 30 23:19:35 2001 (#9146)

Hey Christine, Please live! I care about you more and more all the time and I don't want anything to happen to you. You're like another daughter to me. Besides, Tara is feeling down and you always cheer her up. Please stay with us. We all need you around. Email me if you want to. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: oOoK...NOT!!!
Posted by diana on Tue Jul 31 04:16:04 2001 (#9158)

hey .. yeah i read u'r posts.. but i don't feel the need to post back because we talk online and threw email. so i thought i should just let u kno that. luv diana

the *~*stars*~*
Posted by stellar on Mon Jul 30 05:11:17 2001 (#9127)

meet me in outerspace, we could spend the night watch the earth come up. ive grown tired of this place, wont you come with me? we could start again... how do you do it, make me feel like i do? how do you do it, its better than i ever knew. oOo meet me in outerspace. i will hold you close, if your afraid of hieghts. i need you to see this place, it might be the only way, that i can show you how, it feels to be inside of you... how do you do it, make me feel like i do? how do you do it, its better than i ever knew. oOo how do you do it, make me feel like i dooooooo ???

forever and sometimes

*~**stellar**~*

Re: the *~*stars*~*
Posted by Jess on Mon Jul 30 20:25:44 2001 (#9139)

Incubus?

Re: the *~*stars*~*
Posted by linzee on Mon Jul 30 22:41:46 2001 (#9145)

that so beautiful i love it!

omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 30 05:42:54 2001 (#9131)

Ok...I don't know what I'm expecting any one to say in repliance to what I'm going to tell you. But I'm soo very scared.

I was trying to break my razor apart to get at the blades this afternoon, ok? And well, when the thingy broke one of the blades kinda..popped out...unexpectedly...and it went into my thumb and cut it sooooooooooooooooooooo deep. It like, SLICED into my thumb. The blood was POURING out. This was upstairs and my mom was in the upstairs bathroom so I raced downstairs holding my thumb and when I got down there the blood was filling the sink. I tried to put pressure on it for a while until the bleeding slowed. I cleaned it with soap and hot water and have an advanced healing band-aid on it (I told my mom I got a "paper cut") but I'm really scared it's going to get infected. Before I cut I always clean the skin and soak the razor/scissors in hydrogen peroxide or rubbing alcohol to make sure they're clean. This razor, I mean it wasn't DIRTY, but it certainly wasn't SANITARY. It had been sitting in my dresser drawer and I mean, it's not like I had just gone and washed my hands before this happened. I'm so scared because this is like a REALLY deep cut. Right, so like I said, I don't know what I'm expecting as responses. I just needed to tell someone what happened.

Re: omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 30 19:27:27 2001 (#9138)

don't worry toOo much, k? and when u need to cut I'm here for u no matter what! I don't clean out everything b4 I cut...I'm not patient enough and I don't clean out the skin or the cut! just keep ur cut clean right now and chances r it's not gonna get infected! I've had infected cuts b4 and they turned out perfectly fine a few days l8er, but if it's really deep then u might wanna get some creams or ne thing to help it! I don't really know what to say though! sry! *hugs* Christine

Re: omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by divingmermaid on Mon Jul 30 20:51:35 2001 (#9140)

Hi you! That must have been real scary. I do not somehow think the cut will get infected because all the blood pouring out will have washed most of the bacteria out and you body should be able to cope with the remaining ones. If after a few day you get swelling, puckering puss(yuck) you shoud see a doctor though. At the moment I would not get too worried about it.

Re: omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by jen on Mon Jul 30 21:19:55 2001 (#9142)

dont worry to much. i did the same thing a couple weeks ago, stung like a bitch. ne wayz just keep it clean it should be fine. luv jen

Re: omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jul 30 23:26:15 2001 (#9147)

Keep it clean and keep an eye on it. If it starts to turn red and swell up, you will probably need to see a doctor or go to the ER. You might also get some butterfly bandages to put on it. They will hold the cut together. Let us know how you're doing, Okay? We all care about you. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by diana on Tue Jul 31 04:21:49 2001 (#9159)

hey,

i really don't think you should worry about it, because the same thing happened to me about 2 weeks ago. I was trying to get my knife out n it slipped n cut open my whole thumb..and it wouldn't stop bleeding either. but it didn't get infected. So i hope the same thing happens 2 u where it doesn't get infected.

Re: omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 31 02:14:22 2001 (#9152)

I've done that. I was breaking apart a safety razor and it slipped and cut my thumb pretty freaking deep. It took about 45 min to an hour to stop bleeding (hello pulse points!) It didn't get infected, but then again I rarely get infections. Try to keep the wound clean and dry and you should be ok.

Re:Freebies lets us know what normal people feel
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 31 03:27:27 2001 (#9156)

me, and anyone else that reads this; What you did you didn't do on purpose and your body had a normal reaction to pain and the fear of bleeding to death and getting infection. I call those kinds of injuries "Freebies"

I am sorry to say this but, me, when you posted that you got cut, and badly, and you had not done your prep work....I laughed.

That sounds sick and demented, but I would have reacted the same way. I have this saying, "I may feel and think I want to die, but I don't want to die of infection." I read through the kind, sweet caring responses, that everyone sent your way, before typing in my own. But I had in mind what I was going to say before reading them.

We cut, most of us on here do, and we do it without thinking that the pain, the blood, and the possibility of infection, is a bad thing. But freebies cause us to see injury differently, normally, and sometimes it scares the shit out of us. It is at that point that we become the most normal.

We, who cut, generally do so with a brain that is not thinking or feeling rationally, we "just do it" cut that is, thinking it is the only way to get out bad thought, memories and feelings out of us. But when we are cut accidentally we see that bleeding is really just bleeding.....it does not free us from bad experiences, thoughts, and emotions.

There has to be a different way

to everyone
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 31 06:00:16 2001 (#9161)

Thank you everyone for replying. It's nice to know how much everyone cares here. My cut's doing ok..as of now..I'm hoping it will stay that way.

Dawn, you're absolutely right, how it shows us what normal people feel. It caught me totally off-guard and really scared me. It didn't hurt, which did surprise me, but the blood pouring out with out warning and the fear were not anything I expected when I decided to break my razor that afternoon.

Thanks again everyone!! Take care of yourselves.

Re: omg omg omg omg omg
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 1 23:13:36 2001 (#9185)

Something similar happened to me once, but I was in a meeting with 20 other people.

I have a habit of carrying around blades with me and since I was going in a meeting, I slipped it in my pocket without thinking. Later in the meeting, I reached in that pocket and nearly cut off the tip of my finger.

I FREAKED OUT! quietly...and excused myself. I ran from the room with my hand in my pocket. I bled so much before I got to the bathroom that my pants were *soaked*.

What did I learn? Always know where the blade is and be careful. It defeats the purpose if you cut yourself by accident.

Hey, and take care of yourself *me*.....

Just my two cents.

i GIVE UP
Posted by linzee on Tue Jul 31 03:22:39 2001 (#9155)

some times...sometimes... i feel like a lil kid and i feel like screaming and shouting and throwing my arms up and just giving up and crying until i cant breath anymore...its to hhard..im so ready to just give up...i wish.. i wishh i would just die

Re: i GIVE UP
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 31 06:06:49 2001 (#9162)

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE FEELING!! But please don't wish to die!! (I know, easier said than done). You're important to me and I don't want you to give up, even though it seems like the best option!! It's really not! You need to stick around and let us all help you through this, because things will get better sometime!! And even if they don't, there WILL be times when you'll be happy to have been there. Please know how much we care about you. Stay safe.

Re: i GIVE UP
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 31 19:01:04 2001 (#9165)

Linzee, please don't give up I'm here for u and I feel the same way at times toOo! I luv u hun, u can't give up! e-mail me or something...I wanna help! *hugs* Christine

Re: i GIVE UP
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 1 00:33:10 2001 (#9170)

Hi Linzee, Go ahead and scream and shout and throw up your hands! Sometimes a release like that is good for the soul. Have a good long hard cry too. Everyone needs one of those at one time or another. I know I do. Just please don't die!!!! Everyone here would miss you so much. (And that's no joke!) We are all here to talk to, so after all the other things (crying,etc..) email one of us. We're all here for you. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

is it the same?
Posted by linzee on Tue Jul 31 03:40:41 2001 (#9157)

im not on meds...but if i was and say i got really really mad/fusterateed/whatever im feeling andi took the whole bottom at once would that do anything?

Re: is it the same?
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 31 19:10:09 2001 (#9166)

hun I don't want u to hurt or kill urself, please e-mail me or post saying ur ok...or just talk to me! when u get meds, if u get meds, don't down the whole bottle...ur IMPORTANT to me and I wanna always be there for u! PLEASE! *hugs* Christine

Re: is it the same?
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 3 20:14:05 2001 (#9242)

Linzee, I found out the hard way that meds can be taken at a high dose and you will not die, but you will wish you were. Not to say they can't kill you. I am a big guy, so that may have some to do with it.

If you are just getting your meds, dont PLAN to take the whole bottle. Take them for a while and see if they help.

What is the alternative? Death?

Please, take it from the voice of experience, give it a try girl. Meds are not the best solution, but they are a SOLUTION to help cope.

Give them a try, and I don't mean the whole bottle.

:)

linzee ...
Posted by Lindsey on Tue Jul 31 05:10:26 2001 (#9160)

As I read more and more of the posts on this board, I am reminded that I'm not the only one who thinks these things. The words that both you and Dawn, and others, say on here are the same words that cross my mind constantly.

You are not alone. I am not alone. None of us are alone.

*hugs*

How do you know if you are crazy?
Posted by Karen on Tue Jul 31 06:12:53 2001 (#9163)

I am wondering if there's a line that you cross when you actually become insane? Because crazy people don't know they are crazy do they. They think they're normal and don't realise that other people see their insanity clear as a bell. I often wonder if I am insane ... but then think that I can't be because I appear normal to myself ... but doesn't that then qualify me as crazy? I am a stranger here but have been different to others since I was 13 - when I first took to my arm with a bit of glass. I didn't understand the pleasure in it back then. Twelve years have passed now and I have 5 kids relying on me and have no choice but to smile and face the world and tell everyone life is sweet. But I think that my strength is running out, I am tired of being the brave soldier and want to curl up in a ball ... I am perhaps hoping that any of you others will write me and let me express my fears and thoughts. Being single with 5 children means I have to maintain that facade of perfection but I long to let out everything hiding in my 'Pandora's Box' without the fear of retribution and judgement from textbook professionals who have absolutely no fucking idea. Bye XXX

Re: How do you know if you are crazy?
Posted by Emma on Tue Jul 31 22:51:33 2001 (#9167)

Hi, To be honest i can totally understand what your saying, i also think your really brave for putting up with the situation. If u ever wanna chat that would be cool Love Emma xxxxx

Re: How do you know if you are crazy?
Posted by Rabbit on Wed Aug 1 02:09:54 2001 (#9173)

I often tell my friends that I'm crazy or insane or whatever, and they always tell me that I'm wrong. Their logic is that if you can still recognize your behavior as crazy then you can't be that far gone. They seem to think that if you still have that function to reason, that is to say, if you are still in touch with reality, then you're not crazy. I can see their point, but I have my own theory. I recognize my behavior as "crazy". I know when my feelings or reactions are irrational. I can tell when I am "losing touch with reality". What I think makes me crazy is that I know and recognize all of that, but still can't stop it. I just can't resist the "crazy" thoughts or feelings or behavior from taking control. That's why I call myself crazy. That's what I think crazy is. But then again, that's just my opinion.

My FiNaL CoNcLuSiOn
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 31 23:51:57 2001 (#9168)

I'm over whelmed w/this sudden deep depression coming over me and I don't exactly know y ne more...I give up on understanding ne thing! I know ppl care but nothing matters or can possibly get thru to me right now and I don't know y! I wanna inhale this bottle of cleaner next to me and it gets tempting everytime I look at it! I'm confused on whether or not I wanna die ne more! please if ne one can help me get past this or even get thru to me it'd be soOo helpful right now! and I'm sry to all those who always try to help me...I just don't know what's going on or what to do ne more! *hugs* Christine

Re: My FiNaL CoNcLuSiOn
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 1 00:40:39 2001 (#9171)

Christine, While I can't understand the deep depression you're going through, please know that you can email me at any time. I don't want you to hurt yourself and I wish to God I could be there with you to help you through this. I'm there in spirit Christine, holding you and letting you know that there is someone who truly cares about what happens to you. I've always considered you a very strong person and I hope you can use that strength to help you overcome this. Please let me know how you're doing. Take care Christine, I love you. Love, Rhonda

Re: My FiNaL CoNcLuSiOn
Posted by Maggie on Wed Aug 1 13:02:24 2001 (#9179)

Oh Christine, Please don't consume that cleaner! When I had severe OCD a few years ago I used to drink cleaning detergent daily as part of my compulsive rituals. It was horrible... it burned my throat. You could completely dissolve your oesophagus and stomach, and you probably wouldn't die from it... just be in excruciating pain and be drip-fed for the rest of your life! This doesn't sound like an improvement on your life does it?

And I'm not gonna address your suicide thoughts in this post, coz there's nothing that could distress me more than if you killed yourself now. You know that we all care about you here, and hopefully talking to us will make things easier for you.

Take care, Maggie xxxoooxxx

Re: My FiNaL CoNcLuSiOn
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 1 19:31:09 2001 (#9181)

Sweetheart, I don't know exactly what to tell you. I hope you know how much I care about you, and I want to help you through this. Death is not the answer!! I know that it can seem like the only way out sometimes, I REALLY DO KNOW, because I have thought about suicide, and even come pretty close to doing it. But trust me, there are so many experiences ahead of you that you don't want to miss out on! And there are so many people who love you and would miss you terribly! Please stay with us! Let me know if there's anything I can do! I really need to set up an email account somewhere so I can talk with all of you outside of the board...

((((((((((((((((((Chris tine)))))))))))))))))

I believe in you. I know you can make it. You are a strong girl.

Stay safe and take care. Lots of love

This board is not a substitute for therapy
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Wed Aug 1 02:09:34 2001 (#9172)

I reguard all of you with love. We are all different, but we come here because we have a need and that need has to aspects, giving support and receiving it when we are at our lowest. But please do not let this board be a substitue for one on one, face to face counseling and medications management.

Being 49 means I have 49 years of experiences, and I share some of them with you for the sole purpose of showing an example for a point I am making. Sometimes the point is overlooked.

This time the story is I overdosed on my depression and I determined in my mind life for me was over. But in the end my life was saved by a part of me that leans toward closure. I called to cancel an appointment.

There are times when people post here in deep depression and they get responses of love and hope, and othe types of encouragement. But what they REALLY need is professional help. I believe we need to know our limits.

We must be aware that people who post here are in different time zones and we may be responding to a post that was posted the day before and our post may not always reach them in time.

Do you understand what I am saying?

what if.........
Posted by icamehere once b4 on Wed Aug 1 10:56:11 2001 (#9177)

what if the therapy isnt working what if uve wasted 2 years in a place u hate and u have to stay and u hat it 3 times a week???what then i cant change therapist or level of therapy. what now??

web sites
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 1 06:16:55 2001 (#9174)

does anyone know any good websites about anorixia and or eating disoders? plz post them here so i can go to them thank U!

Re: web sites
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Aug 1 08:49:36 2001 (#9176)

The Anorexic Lesbian: starving & queer [ http://www.geocities.com/anifr eak74/ ] is an okay site. Not one of the best.

The Black Hole [ http://www.geocities.com/South Beach/Seaside/4866/BlackHole.h tml ] is probably one of my favorite pro-ana sites. I've gone there many times.

The Something Fishy [ http://www.something-fishy.org / ] is all about eating disorders.

Anorexica with Pride [ http://www.geocities.com/South Beach/Castle/1895/page2.html ] is kinda good.

House of Sins [ http://www.broken-lips.net/~ho useofsins/ ] is number one with me. I can lose myself for hours in that webpage. When you go to the URL above, click on the picture [a pop-up will pop up] and then click on "bathroom." There will be a little disclaimer, but click on "enter the bathroom" and there ya go!

Then there's my personal page, but that only tells what I do daily. Like exersizes and colories and things of the such. If you want, I can email you my daily routine.

umm hi please please read this ......
Posted by girl on Wed Aug 1 11:08:39 2001 (#9178)

ok so im trying hard to resist coming here but i slip up sometimes and read ur posts just to see ur all ok they still make me cry.i know i shouldnt be here and it hurts to not reply to posts pleasse i hope u understand plese dont hate me for it.the fact is im in too deep and i need a little help i understand if u dont wanna give it bcos i left just ignore this message if u wan t in fact im surprised u got this far.my boyfriend cuts. there ive said it.i found them when we were laying in the park. he doesnt know i cut i met him in the middle of cold turkey so i thought id b ok.i traced hiss scars with my fingers until my tears ran thru the grooves they were so deep. i want him but its so triggering and ive done 78 days.hes mine and now sellf harm is back and it seems everytime i think im happy it all fucks up and sh is stalking me and mabe i should fold and give in maybe im the one whos wrong and i dont know what to do.please help me if u can.i cry all the time and im so proud of all of u and wonder where u r wen ur posts aent around 4 a little while.oh fuck im so sorry,i suppose the past haunts and twists and comes back everytime.and it hurts like the blade without the reelease and i dont know if iits worth it anymore i dont think i can love. i will never be loved all that i am is tainted. thank you.

love girlxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxplease stay safe please.

Re: umm hi please please read this ......
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 1 19:41:14 2001 (#9182)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((gir l)))))))))))))))))))))))

It's good to hear from you! I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. But don't ever EVER think we could hate you. That is impossible. You are a wonderful person who we LOVE and care about. YOU ARE NOT TAINTED! You are perfect the way you are and you deserve to be loved and cared about. I'm soooooooooooo very proud of you for going 78 days!!!! THAT'S WONDERFUL!

I don't know what to say about your b/f. Are you SURE they were self-inflicted? I guess the best advice I can say is to tell him you also cut, but are trying to stop and being around him is too triggering. He should understand if he's also a cutter. Maybe you could just stay friends, but if that's too triggering for you then I say just keep him out of your life for a while. If he really cares about you he should understand, or at least accept it. And if he doesn't, well then sweetie, you can find and deserve someone better.

Stay safe and take care. Lots of love

Re: umm hi please please read this ......
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 1 23:47:38 2001 (#9189)

Girl, ur loved...ur loved soOo very much by ppl here and the ppl u live around! I don't hate u...hate is the total opposite of my feelings about knowing u as a friend and a person! if u think ur gonna cut or ne thing like that please don't...I'm here for u! u gotta come clean to ur bf and tell him u cut...tell him how u feel when u know he cuts and c his scars...talk to him about it! u guys can support each other...but he can't help u w/ur feelings unless u tell him! say everything u just told us and more...he needs to know and u need to get it out! I love u to death hun...please try to do this! it will help u! *hugs* Christine e-mail or IM me ne time u want to...I'm always here for u!

Re: umm hi please please read this ......
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 2 04:37:03 2001 (#9199)

girl, everyone is so right. You are to be congratulated 78 days is a llllllooooonnnnnng time. And yes, I too beleive you need to come clean with your b/f. If he isn't the guy for you, better to know now.

PPl think that because we are cutters no one will love us...and that is not true....Paul loves me, and he's gone to the hospital wth me. love and hugs

please you guys tell me what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Wed Aug 1 17:28:39 2001 (#9180)

hey guys,

i have tried every thing to get cutting out of my mind.i talked to my ex,joe last night.he made up excuses for what he did on my b-day.also after i posted,i left to go see a movie and i stopped and ran into my rapest.he looked straight at me and ran his finger across his throat and pointed at me.i also seen another guy that threatened to make me feel that same way again because i would not go out with him.my life is just getting all fucked up.joe has changed so much since he had that wreck awhile back.i wish he would go back to being the old joe that i once knew and loved very much.well i am going to go now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: please you guys tell me what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 1 23:33:57 2001 (#9186)

Tara (sis), I dunno what to tell u about the rapist or ne thing...but don't they lock ppl like that away for a while after rape??? and can't u get a restraining order if u feel he or ne 1 else is a threat to u??? about ur friend Joe...people change whether we like it or not and it's not up to us to make ne changes on their life! I know u want the old Joe back and I wish I could make that happen for u but I can't! I just hope that u take care of urself...I'm here if u ever wanna talk about it or ne thing at all! *hugs* Christine(sis)

=0)
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 1 22:01:16 2001 (#9183)

hey guys this is a big deal to me! so im proud of my self! and i just wanted to tell u that. - i hate meds and im not on any but everyone thinks that i should go on them. adn today while i was at the therpist i tolled her more about the "voices" and she said i should go on meds for them not anti-D's but differnt ones so that they dont control me and i agreed- this is the biggest step ive taken since ive started to get help and im proud of my self- u dont have to be or u dont even have to think its a big deal but i do and i felt like sharing it with all of u

Re: =0)
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 1 23:38:03 2001 (#9187)

Linzee, I went to my therapist 2day toOo and was given a new kind of meds to take (making me have gone thru 3 already)...they're not scary or ne thing...but sometimes they make u feel like u can't get past this on ur own and u need even more help than u can give urself...but in a bad way! u should atleast give them a shot though to c if they help...if not try something else...but just don't totally give up on them cuz they're there to help...just like everyone here! *hugs* Christine

Re: =0)
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 2 01:45:07 2001 (#9197)

Linzee, I'm proud of you also!!! And I agree, that is a big step. It takes a lot of courage to take that first step, but you've done it! Take care and remember that we are all here for you anytime you need us. Love, Rhonda

Re: =0)
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 2 04:42:50 2001 (#9200)

I am sooooo proud of you!!!! You will be feeling better soonXXXXXXOOOOOO Dawn

A question
Posted by toxicmind on Wed Aug 1 23:01:49 2001 (#9184)

As I look around the Internet at SI sites and discussion boards, I keep seeing the same group of people, teenage girls and women. I know females generally deal with this problem more because of abuse, image problems and so on….I also know some of this is because guys are usually taught to hold in their feelings and that being depressed is weakness.

I am a male in his thirties who has been dealing with severe depression my whole life and cutting for about the last three years. I cut because suicide is not an option for me. My family counts on me as a breadwinner, and after everything I have put them through; I will not leave them destitute. Things have been very bad, and I am finding it very hard to hide the scars and cuts.

My question: How many of you are male or have dealt with a male that injures himself? Any stories – good or bad? Are you "out" about cutting?

Re: A question
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 1 23:41:10 2001 (#9188)

I am not a male...but there was 1 that I knew that came here b4! he used to help us out alot and in return we helped him when things went wrong...if that's what u wanted to know! *hugs* Christine

Re: A question
Posted by ChrisE on Thu Aug 2 12:33:39 2001 (#9203)

I'm a 23 yr old guy. We do seem to be in the minority.

Re: A question
Posted by Maggie on Thu Aug 2 12:38:38 2001 (#9204)

I'm a chick too but there have been a few guys that have regularly frequented this board. Look back a few months ago for messages from 'Strider'. He became the 'guardian angel' of this group because he was always here for us. Also there was 'Thecuttthatneverheals' who posts here occasionally and a few others.

You are most welcome to be a part of this board too. It's not our gender that unites us, it's the way that we cope.

Hope you stick around. Maggie.

thanks
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 2 16:42:20 2001 (#9207)

Thanks all!

I plan to stick around, you seem like a very decent group of people.

Like everyone else, I came here for support and comfort in knowing there are others like me. I feel so alone.

Feeling fairly calm so far today because I cut myself up pretty bad last night. Not hospital bad, but sterry-strip bad.

Hopefully, I will make it through the day...

Re: A question
Posted by Amanda on Thu Aug 2 19:43:21 2001 (#9210)

i know guys are supposed to bottle things up but i think thats stupid, when colin(strider) was here, he was one of the most sensative, careing people that i have met. i think if more guys opened up the world would be better. any ways, welcome to this board. the people here are great. they are supportive, kind, and over all they are a great bunch. im sure they will all try and help you. i will to if i stay, im not to sure.

well gotta go. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: A question
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 3 00:57:03 2001 (#9221)

I am "OUT" about cutting..but not to people I don't know, I try to hide It. One of my very best friends is a male who is seriously caught up in SI. I sympathize with and for him.. take care. =)

Re: A question
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Fri Aug 3 06:30:43 2001 (#9227)

Hey, I knew this guy in grade six and I sat accross from him and he cut himself, thatyoung too! with teachers and students walking around him and they didn't see him doing these thigns to himself. I was too shy, I was an insecure little girl and I knew exactly what he was going through. Other than that, I know alot of guys that have tried it, but haven't been in total pain and depression about it. I'm here if you wanna talk, but I'm young, 17, good luck with everything.

hugs

Re: A question
Posted by a list of guyz on Sat Aug 4 17:29:16 2001 (#9270)

ChrisE, Angel, Strider (colin), Thecutthatneverheals (Drew)...

Re: A question
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 20:14:11 2001 (#9380)

im male (14), sorry this is a bit late, just thought it might be worth posting anyway. i know a few other blokes who cut, but they are complete twats, they do small scratches with compasses to SHOW OFF to there friends... really makes me wonder..

Re: A question
Posted by yeha on Thu Aug 9 16:43:44 2001 (#9396)

is necrosis a guy? i dunno why i thought that

Re: A response
Posted by purpurschwarz on Fri Aug 10 20:06:10 2001 (#9437)

O->, now I am using a lighter because the feeling is "deeper" and the flames give me more control. suicide is still an option for me. I am not hiding my scars and nobody is interested in the story of it. Ich hasse die Menschen nicht, denn sie sind es nicht wert, gehaßt zu werden. Ich hoffe, ich erlebe, wie sie sich selbst vernichten, in ihrer Arroganz und Selbstherrlichkeit und vor allem ihrer Gier, alles besitzen zu wollen, alles beherrschen zu wollen.

thanx!!!
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 1 23:54:39 2001 (#9191)

U guys really made me feel soOo much better! I got new meds 2day so I shouldn't be down as much! I'm here if ne 1 needs me...post IM or e-mail me for ne thing u want! :o) *hugs* Christine

Re: thanx!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Aug 2 01:41:20 2001 (#9196)

Christine, I'm so glad you're feeling better and I hope the new meds work really well for you. You're a very special girl. Take care. Love ya, Rhonda

kauderwelsch
Posted by ego on Thu Aug 2 02:33:18 2001 (#9198)

thinking . suicide listening. nick cave " do you love me?" das geht immer weiter und vielleicht sollte man nichts schreiben, ist eh immer dasselbe. folglcih geht es zwar weiter, aber es geht im kreis weiter, es hgeht weiter und ist doch kein vorwärtskommen. schon seltsam, weclhe blüten das leben erstehen läßt. wieso werden nutzlose blumen am leben gehalten, am sterben gehindert? in english, please: life sucks, so fucking what?

Re: kauderwelsch
Posted by divingmermaid on Thu Aug 2 15:20:54 2001 (#9206)

Hi! Irgentwie hat es mich gefreut auf diesem board mal was Deutsches zu lesen. Also war das Schreiben an sich schon mal gut. Keine Blume ist nutzlos, ich habe noch nie eine gesehen die nicht schön war. C.

ok....
Posted by sara on Thu Aug 2 05:48:53 2001 (#9201)

so, i posted a little while ago about how i think some one knew about my cutting, and well i was right. today at a break, she goes, i know what you do, so i asked her what do you know, and she said you know what i know, and some really random coments that had many know and knews. anyway she said that she wanted to think about it and then talk to me tommorrow, but i honestly don't know how she knows. i have no idea, i mean how many people connect a cut to someone doing it themselves? so i know i have to tell the truth, i'm just afraid thanks sara

Re: ok....
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Fri Aug 3 06:34:53 2001 (#9228)

I know what you mean and I know how you feel, I was 13 when they found out, my bestfriend, Alicia, read my diary and showed it to my school counsellor. You just have to go with it, go with the flow. Getting help is suppose to be a good thing, but I can't help but feel like shit afterwards. But I know that once it's all over, it'll all be good, good luck to you and come back and tell us what happened :)

hugs

can someone help me with this please?
Posted by *star* on Thu Aug 2 10:21:05 2001 (#9202)

Hi.

i wrote another post in reply to someones post but i was wondering if anyone would be prepared to talk to me about self-injury, i have a friend who cuts herself i thought she had stopped many sleepless night worrying them she went on holiday and i thought that she had stopped from then on as she seemed so happy after she got back but i fear it has all started again she told me about this site so i thought id take a look and i wonder if it was a cry for help but i dont know what else i can do, ive given so much and it doesnt seem to have helped and i dont know what to do anymore to make it better. She thinks i dont care about her but i do i care so much and that is the problem as when you care its so easy to get hurt, if anyone could just email me and tell me of thier experiences i would be trully gratefull Take care all of you and God bless *star* x

Re: can someone help me with this please?
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 2 17:01:19 2001 (#9208)

*star*

You have done a great deal already by just CARING. I wish someone cared about me enough to do what you are doing.

I would suggest you read through the articles and stories on this site. There are many good sites in other places as well. Start with the "bodies under siege" webring Biggest piece of advice I can give is to treat your friend with respect. She is dealing with some serious issues right now, and the last thing she needs is people treating her like she is different.

Also, be discreet unless she says it's ok to talk about it to others. I had a well-meaning friend who lifted my sleeve and revealed my scars to a table full of people only because they happened to be talking about self-injury. I was horrified and savagely depressed for a long time after.

I hope this helped. It is getting harder and harder for me to concentrate these days, so if I sound like an idiot, I am sorry.

Feel free to email me if you have further questions. It always makes me feel better if I can help someone else, because I can't seem to help myself.

Re: can someone help me with this please?
Posted by black rose on Thu Aug 2 23:08:02 2001 (#9215)

if u wanna talk to me just e-mail or IM me! K? *hugs* Christine

Re: can someone help me with this please?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Aug 3 00:28:07 2001 (#9220)

Star, I'll be glad to talk to you if you want. You can email me at my address or post me a message here. My daughter,Tara, cuts and I try to help her through it. I also have lots of "adopted" kids and adults here that I try to encourage and support. I'm just a concerned parent who really wants to give an adults point of view sometimes,although it may be a dumb idea at times or I might end up putting my foot in my mouth. Like I said, let me know. Love, Rhonda

Till I Die
Posted by Blades on Thu Aug 2 14:25:24 2001 (#9205)

This is my first time posting something so I'm a little nervous. I have been cutting on and off now for around 10yrs and I'm finding the more time that I let go by without cutting the harder life gets. I am told by many that cutting is something I'm not supposed to do, but on the same hand they don't help me to figure out ways to cope with all the pain thats buried deep with in. I talk an talk but I'm running out of things to talk about. Do others have this problem? Cutting to me is what I know it's my comfort zone if you will. I have tried some other ideas instead of cutting such as put a rubber band around my wrist and snap it, red markers, and I have even tried holding ice until it hurt so bad that I couldn't stand it. Nothing though can replace the hold that the blades have. It seems the only way I'll stop completely is the day I die.

Re: Till I Die
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 2 22:00:55 2001 (#9212)

I also tried those same things at the urging of my old therapist. Has this stuff ever worked for anyone?

Hang in there blades. You've made an important step already by venting your problems and reaching out.

A side note: Didn't the rubber band thing fail miserably when they said it would help stop smoking?

Re: Till I Die
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 3 01:01:26 2001 (#9222)

I totally understand..In and out of the hospital, people were getting fed up with me! why didnt anything work?? They always asked me , why cant you just stop..and that just made me want to cut ten times worse right that second. No one really understands you know, and they wont figure it out, Coping skills...haha..Ive tried every coping skill in the book and nothing worked, I m not sure what did work bc Im cut free for a while now,, but dont give up..trust me..I was so far beyong the line of giving up, I knew in my mind no one could reach me and I would just cut myself to death,but that wasnt the case, the right meds and the right people do help, love and hugs, take care..e-mail me if youd like.,

Re: Till I Die
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Fri Aug 3 12:09:06 2001 (#9230)

Welcome to the board, I don't use blades, I use scissors, the hurt less. If you read my post titled "untitled..." I talk about the influence this board has on me and others.

You are right, coping skills may work on some people, they didn't on me. One therapist wanted me to get a doll and cut one her, so I talked to one of my sisters and she made me a doll with popeye like arms so I could cut on her and sew her up. But I couldn't do it. It felt like I'd be cutting on an innocenct child. And yet I cut on myself.

I have been molested since I wore diapers and raped by over 150 different people, and many of them more than one time. I have physical, mental, visual, and even sensual, and audio flashbacks and memories, and so may triggers I wig out often. I need to control my environment, the people I associate with, the programs I watch and I can't handle stress.

Keeping as much stress out of my life as possible is helping me to go long stretches without cutting.

I want to stop.....and yet right now I want to cup. I know I won't cut tonight because my meds are finally making it hard to stay awake.

I know what it is like to have the urge and fight it successfully for a period of time and then find myself in the bathroom with scissors in hand working away at my arms more than if I had cut origionally. it seems like resisting it gives it more power. But I believe that with God's help I can beat this addiction.

Again wellcome Dawn......overcoming-1

Why is life so hard!
Posted by RoViCol on Thu Aug 2 18:00:19 2001 (#9209)

For 4 months now I didn't cut myself, but if all my days are gonne be like the last days... then I don't think I...

Anyway thanks for listen. vicky.

Re: Why is life so hard!
Posted by Amanda on Thu Aug 2 19:53:04 2001 (#9211)

i know how you feel, i went for three months. and every day was so hard coz i wanted to cut. then i did and i felt worse as i had lost the battle. try and stay strong. its a tough battle but if you can succeed then it will be worth it.

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Why is life so hard!
Posted by black rose on Thu Aug 2 23:17:16 2001 (#9216)

Vicky...please be ok! it get's better...it takes time!! please keep fighting! I'm here if u need me! k? *hugs* Christine

Re: Why is life so hard!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Aug 3 00:23:03 2001 (#9219)

Tara went for 6 months without cutting, then when she did, she just cried and cried. I cried with her. I know she still wants to cut but she's once again fighting the urges. There were some times a few days ago I actually thought she would, but she fought through it. She came to me and we just talked. I know it's hard just by watching Tara go through it and listening to everyone on this board, but everyone here supports each other and that's important. This is a good place to come and just vent. Sometimes that helps. Anyway, email me if you want. Love, Rhonda

Re: Why is life so hard!
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 3 01:03:56 2001 (#9223)

my ears are open for listening, vicky sweetheart..I dont know you but Im sure your intellegent to know that things get better.. take care

Re: Why is life so hard!
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Fri Aug 3 06:26:27 2001 (#9226)

Good for you, think of all the pride you can have after you're done feeling this way. It's a battle that you can and will win, good luck to you..

hugs

Re: Why is life so hard!
Posted by rovicol on Fri Aug 3 19:59:29 2001 (#9241)

THANK YOU SO MUCH everybody!!

It really means allot to me because at my home nobody knows about my problem so I have to deal with it alone. And that make it so hard!! Its so hard when you have nobody to talk with. I'm scared that when I would tell someone, they think I'm crazy or so. And I'm not!! I just... feel so alone sometimes..

Anyway thanks again for listening you people!! Vicky..

Re: Why is life so hard!
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 3 20:27:20 2001 (#9243)

Hey Vicky! Welcome to the board. I know what you mean about how hard it is when no one knows. No one knows w/ me, either. It's like everyday is like a show you put on. Congrats for going as long as you have - I know you can keep it up! Good luck and take care.

12 days cut free!!
Posted by Rabbit on Thu Aug 2 22:03:02 2001 (#9213)

Woo hoo!! Ya for me!!

Re: 12 days cut free!!
Posted by black rose on Thu Aug 2 23:19:56 2001 (#9217)

YAY! keep it up! *hugs*

Re: 12 days cut free!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Aug 3 00:17:17 2001 (#9218)

Oh God, I'm so proud of YOU!!!!!!! I know that it may sound stupid to say,"keep going", but I hope you do. Just remember that I'm here to support you. I hope and pray you have many more days of being "cut free". Love, Rhonda

Re: 12 days cut free!!
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 3 01:04:47 2001 (#9224)

keep it up!!!!!!!!!!

Re: 12 days cut free!!
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Fri Aug 3 06:23:11 2001 (#9225)

Good for you!!!! I have these infected burn scars, and just because of them, I haven't been doing anything, and I wont until I get them healed.

Re: 12 days cut free!!
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 3 17:41:41 2001 (#9233)

Thats awesome! Even though cutting helps me cope, I cherish the times when I don't...

Keep it up...

untitled,,,,,everyone plez read
Posted by Dawn.....overcoming-1 on Fri Aug 3 08:01:41 2001 (#9229)

I was answering an email today from someone from the board and inside me I wanted to say to her, and to all on the board that at times when people are in real crisis situations they cry out for help but we are all somewhere else in the world and our words don't reach to them until too late. Cyber space can not be our sole support. Even for me. Another thing, I went to the store yesterday and bought me a new set of kitchen knives because there was a sharpener included, and when I picked them up and put them in my cart I was not thinking "can they cut chicken" NO!!!!!! I was thinking "can they cut me"

And I do not use blades. But I read so much about them on this board that I thought about giving them a try. In the past I triffled with blades just lightly sliding them across my skin, and they did diddly shit.

I hear pple talk about razors and remember my trying them doing the same and yes blood surfaced here and there and there were stripes all over my arm after a few minutes, and they stung for hours. But reading about pple cutting until the bathwater turned pink made my inside come alive and take notice, that maybe all this time I've been a woose.

And burning, not for me. I tried scalding water but that was not for me. Do you see what is wrong here.

We promote self injury. Its not good for us. Maybe I was all wrong about the voice of reason.

I came here for help, not to learn new ways to wound my body. hell using my scissors is bad enough.

Just writing about all these ways makes my brain want to try some, but I'm not going to because I want to stop. I want to live inside my body.........I want to live......I can't believe I've came to this mindset of wanting to live and wanting to live normally.

My granddaughter is coming for a 2 week visit and I will be taking her places, which means I have to wake up when I'm usually going to sleep. And I won't be online here until after she leaves, unless she totally wigs me out.

But the weird thing is I want her visit to be FUN both for her and me. I an tired of living with my past dominating my life. I want to enjoy living.

Maybe I'll sign on and give you update. And can I ask Rhonda and Linda and Nuni and all the others who pray for us to pray for me and my granddaughter, Darian.

I know that none of you can comprehend the change that has come over me. Three years ago I was getting stitches several times a week. I was in and out of psyche wards on suicde watch about once or twice a month. I was in deeep shit. And now I'm wanting to live.....really live You all stay safe, remember I love you and my granddaughter and I will be sending you ecards. Hugs all around

Re: untitled,,,,,everyone plez read
Posted by Linda on Fri Aug 3 15:13:55 2001 (#9231)

((((((Dawn & Darian))))))Will be praying. Romans 8:26-28 "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Re: untitled,,,,,everyone plez read
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 3 17:56:36 2001 (#9234)

Dawn, I hope u have a great time w/ur granddaughter...and I'm soOo happy that u want to live! ur right that when ppl come here they learn new ways to SI and that's not good...but the ppl saying all this new stuff need to get it out toOo and vent..and we're here to listen and try our best to help and in return there r ppl here to help us as well! it may not be the best help the world can offer...but it's short time help that can make a difference in the end! well ne ways....have a great time! *hugs* Christine

Re: untitled,,,,,everyone plez read
Posted by elle on Fri Aug 3 18:20:48 2001 (#9237)

hey dawn, good luck with your granddaughter...just wanted to say that the image that did it for me was when Colin (strider) talked about his blood bath....it was so horrible and so intruiging at the same time...prolly before ur time. but he sat in a tub where all the water was as dark as blood.

Re: untitled,,,,,everyone plez read
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 4 02:12:00 2001 (#9248)

Dawn, My prayer will go up for you and your grand- daughter tonight. I hope you have lots of fun with her. May there be nothing but laughter. Love ya, Rhonda

Happiness
Posted by Maggie on Fri Aug 3 16:32:52 2001 (#9232)

I'm feeling happy even though I just quit my job 2 hours ago coz two bastard co-workers made me burst into tears (I seldom cry) and my parents are having a huge fight, and the guy I've liked for ages is chasing my enemy, and I have SOOO many assignments to do, and so many other stresses... YET I'M REALLY HAPPY. I don't know why but I feel full of life (it's 2.30am). Things aren't looking hot but I still have enthusiasm and excitement for life... why is that??? What's wrong with me?

Re: Happiness
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 3 18:00:26 2001 (#9235)

Maggie, Nothing's wrong w/u! I think u really just let go of all the things that u hate and really started to enjoy urself now...ur not letting ne thing bother u! u on meds? jw...cuz that can help in the feeling u have right now! I g2g 4 now! *hugs* Christine

Re: Happiness
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 3 18:43:43 2001 (#9240)

If you are happy, don't fight it, just let it happen. Focus on it and try to remember how it feels the next time (lets hope there isn't one) that you feel like crap.

I think there is a point that you can be too happy and euphoric. If you start to feel that you are invincible and can do no wrong, you could be manic. Are you bipolar?

Then again, I am not a doctor, so if you feel weird about your happiness, talk to him/her.

I am not bipolar, but I know someone who is, so I have a little experience with it.

Above all, look on this as a new start. You can get a new job and co-workers, ones that maybe you actually like, and a new guy, one that is WORTHY of you. If he is chasing someone else, he is not. Take it from a guy, I should know.

Re: Happiness
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 4 02:17:44 2001 (#9249)

You're not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you. Sounds like you've needed a release for a while. You can always get another job. You're a smart girl! You also can't control what your parents do. Just try to relax and enjoy the feeling of being happy. Even though there are all of these things going on, this may be God's way of saying,"you deserve to be happy too!" Take care Maggie. Love ya, Rhonda

ouch!...oops!
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 3 18:10:49 2001 (#9236)

I accidentally pushed a lil toOo hard on the razor...I was only making 3 cuts cuz they weren't toOo hard to hide...and I kinda need stitches for 1 of them...I didn't want big cuts or many cuz I have to go on vaca w/my family in 1 1/2 weeks...this isn't gonna heal that quick! ne 1 got ne advice for how to hide it...it's on my lower leg! thanx! *hugs* Christine

Re: ouch!...oops!
Posted by toxicmind on Fri Aug 3 18:33:30 2001 (#9239)

I often cut words on my ankles, cause they are easy to hide with socks, but if you are going to the beach, that could be a problem.

It helps that they are lines, cause they are way easier for people to "overlook" than words.

Hey, if you need the stitches, get them. Take care of those cuts, and take care of yourself.

Re: ouch!...oops!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 4 02:22:10 2001 (#9250)

Hey Christine, If you need stiches, you'd better get them. There is a time frame in which you can get that done. Since I don't know where you live and the time difference between us, if it's to late, try getting some butterfly bandages. They will hold the skin together. Just keep the cut clean and please don't try to cover it up with makeup cause that might cause it to get infected. Email if ya need me. Love ya, Rhonda

i'm happy...sort of...and it feels weird
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 3 20:44:25 2001 (#9244)

Ok this past week has been somewhat of an improvement for me. I met a guy. And he's really sweet and he told me I was special and he's just really nice. We're just friends, but he makes me feel happy. I'm going to the mall tonight and I'm going to buy the Staind CD..and I'm excited about that. Well, the thing is, I seriously can't remember the last time I was HAPPY. There are times that are nice, that I enjoyed, but I can't remember a time when I didn't feel...you know the feeling...the guilt/worthless/I shouldn't be alive feeling. Well, today I realized that I actually felt HAPPY. There were some bad things that happened this week, but for the moment right now I'm HAPPY. And it's not a feeling I'm comfortable with, or used to. I feel sort of guilty for feeling this way. In the back of my head I still feel depressed, but at this moment I feel happy to be here and this is the first time in a loooong loooong time (like, years worth of time). I still want to cut. Today's happiness isn't stopping the want to cut. When I first started cutting I only cut when really bad things happen. Now I cut all the time, but when something bad happens the cuts are worse. As of now I really want to go cut and cut and cut myself away until I'm bleeding the pain away. But I also feel happy at the same time. And I don't know why my feelings are so mixed up. How can I feel the pain AND feel happy at the same time? Is it not real happiness? I wouldn't know if it were real or not, I swear I have not felt truly happy since I was like 7. Ok well yeah I'm going on now and I don't even know what exactly I'm talking about....so I'll just go. I don't understand what's going on in my head. If anyone has some ideas let me know. Thanx.

Be safe. Lots of love

Re: i'm happy...sort of...and it feels weird
Posted by black rose on Fri Aug 3 22:33:12 2001 (#9245)

I'm glad ur happy...but I don't want u to cut urself! I had that exact feeling not to long ago...and I gave into the cutting...after u cut and have that feeling everything seems worse for some reason! I want u to take care of urself! I'm here if u need me ne time! *hugs* Christine

Re: i'm happy...sort of...and it feels weird
Posted by buffpuff on Sat Aug 4 07:31:47 2001 (#9259)

I think I know what you mean. It's kind of like this for me omg-i'm-HaPpY-but-i-shouldn't- be-HaPpY-because-i'll-get-depr essed-again-and-miss-this-HaPp Y-feeling-oh-shit-the-HaPpY-fe eling-is-gone-cuz-i-thot-too-m uch...

BEING HAPPY IS A GOOD THING ENJOY IT
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sat Aug 4 09:31:59 2001 (#9266)

I've been emailing my responses all night, but since you remain anonymous this way is ok with me.

Mood swings are a big problem for all of us and it is a shame when we have good feelings and feel bad because we feel bad too.

I used to have a wonderful therapist, who would surprise me with very logical questions like: Can both be true?.....or what do you need?

We get so wrapped up in being depressed and acting out our depression and craziness that when we feel "good" or "happy" we don't allow ourselves to FEEL and ENJOY our respet from the bad things.

Be Happy as long as you can love and hugs Dawn....overcoming-1

Happiness?
Posted by /\/\ily on Sat Aug 4 18:59:44 2001 (#9271)

You're right. I'm not the kind of person who can ever relax though. Ive always got something to worry about. It's a vice, and it tightens 'round my throat forever more.

L i n z e e
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 4 01:08:26 2001 (#9246)

i got my pills to day and the voices have stop talkign and i havent even taken one............. but that bottle is sooooooo tempting to take the whole thing...its rite there ...beside me...calling me...."linze"

Re: L i n z e e
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 4 02:25:56 2001 (#9251)

Oh please Linzee, don't do that!! I'm glad that the voices have stopped talking, but you don't need to take the pills. Maybe if you move the pills where you can't see them? I don't know. Just stay safe Linzee. Love, Rhonda

Re: L i n z e e
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 03:20:22 2001 (#9253)

Linzee, please don't listen to it...don't take all the pills! talk to me...post IM e-mail ne thing! please just don't take the bottle of pills! I'm here for u! *hugs* Christine

Re: L i n z e e
Posted by BuffPuff on Sat Aug 4 07:55:12 2001 (#9261)

well Linzee, I'd say give the pills two months and if they don't work take what u have left and see if they work then. pls give them a chance to work correctly first tho, that's what they'd want to do...

I don't know why
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Aug 4 01:58:56 2001 (#9247)

I know there's a deeper meaning to why I've been destroying myself. When I do self injure, I don't feel anything, both before and after, I feel so screwed that it doesn't have a deeper meaning to it all. fuck fuck fuck

Re: I don't know why
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 4 02:31:32 2001 (#9252)

Are you getting any help? If not, maybe someone could help you figure out why. Believe it or not, there is help out there. You just may have to look for it. Took Tara a while before she found someone she was comfortable with. She still has her down days but she is getting the help she needs. I know this is something you can't beat yourself. At least not that I've seen. If you're getting help, maybe you should find someone else. That person may not be working for you. Remember, therapy is about you, not the doctor. They are suppose to help you. email if you want to. Love, Rhonda

Re: I don't know why
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 4 05:48:57 2001 (#9255)

i feel the exact same way sometimes and all i think about is the blood...

time used
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 4 05:23:10 2001 (#9254)

ok im soooooooooooo mad and i want to cut so bad but i wont for lil kids i wont for the lil kids but ...............my god icant help it .......i'll do it when i get back..no sorry have to do it now i haev to stop im crying to hard to type sorry about this waste of time i used on u -bye

Re: time used
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Aug 4 07:57:17 2001 (#9263)

I know what you mean. Don't get the wrong idea that all of us haven't been cutting, I have, it's something I can't quit. Don't worry about it, you know you shouldn't, and only you can stop yourself.

Linzee
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 19:40:50 2001 (#9276)

Linzee, please don't cut hun...I'm here for u! ur stronger than that! please just e-mail me or something...ne thing! please hun! *hugs* Christine

Mistake
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Aug 4 06:42:13 2001 (#9256)

How does it feel to know That you had a child How does it feel to know That I hurt so much

When you think of me Do you feel regrets I know I'm your mistake When your conscious aches Will you cry and beg I know I'm your mistake

Why do you call and act Like I am your friend Did you forget the blood That I shed

It doesn't matter The damage has been done I'm not scared, I'm numb It's too late

I know I'm your mistake

[highlights from "Mistake" by Alone]

How many ppl feel...
Posted by BuffPuff on Sat Aug 4 07:25:13 2001 (#9258)

How many of you out there feel like you shouldn't be cutting, cuz you have no reason?

Re: How many ppl feel...
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Aug 4 07:54:49 2001 (#9260)

I have my reasons, but I don't feel the excuses when I cut and do everything else. I haven't a clue why I cut and do everything else. I know I shouldn't and I feel like I shouldn't, because I know it's a bad thing to do. I know alot of things about it, I knwo enought to know that It's bad, but it doens't make me bad. I cut because I'm emotionless.

Re: How many ppl feel...
Posted by BuffPuff on Sat Aug 4 07:57:11 2001 (#9262)

it's just when I sit down and try to think of any possible reason why i'd be doing this to myself, I can't think of any that satisfy me.

Re: How many ppl feel...
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Aug 4 07:59:53 2001 (#9264)

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's stupid, maybe you can think of the reasons not to do it. There's lots more better things than worse things, think of those.

hugs

Re: How many ppl feel...
Posted by divingmermaid on Sat Aug 4 12:35:12 2001 (#9267)

That is one of my biggest problems. I feel that I need to cut and I just have to, but of all things I want to know why! Not knowing why seems to make it all worse. If I had a reason I would not feel like crazy stupid beging who just DOES it. If I had a reason it would make sense.

Re: How many ppl feel...
Posted by linzee on Sat Aug 4 19:24:35 2001 (#9273)

thats a ME ( the loser of teh bunch)

Hey, I decided something awhile ago
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Aug 4 08:03:40 2001 (#9265)

I decided awhile ago that maybe it would be a good thing if I shaed some of my experiences with everyone, I made a website,

http://sadboy17/boltpag es.com/dead_end_doll

it's all about me and my self injury and everything else I could possibly think of, I'm still working on it, I have some poetry and alot of other stuff, like pictures and what not, enjoy and sign the guestbook.

But I still feel like shit, I got some more zoloft, good for me.... I hope

Re: Hey, I decided something awhile ago
Posted by black rose on Sat Aug 4 19:45:56 2001 (#9277)

can u e-mail me the link?

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