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Threads 2201 to 2250

i thought you had to be 18?
Posted by jen on Fri Jul 20 02:10:36 2001 (#8868)

dont you have to be 18 to commit yourself? otherwise it is your parents decision. thats what i though. if i am wrong please tell me luv jen

Re: i thought you had to be 18?
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 20 02:37:04 2001 (#8869)

well I think if you want to go into an adult ward you have to be 18, but all the children crisis centers say that you have to be 16 or 17 to commit yourself, or your parents can commit you. =) but thats in Tx, I dont know about everywhere else..

Re: i thought you had to be 18?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 06:57:00 2001 (#8897)

I don't really know the law on that but you could easily check it out. I'm thinking it may be different in different states. If you want, I'll try to look around and find something on the subject. Please take care of yourself Jen. Love, Rhonda

Re: rhonda
Posted by jen on Sat Jul 21 07:13:12 2001 (#8898)

i can look for stuff i feel bad having you do it . can you just tell me what i should look for? thank you so much luv jen

Re: rhonda
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 17:06:34 2001 (#8904)

Hey Jen, Don't feel bad. I like helping. I don't know exactaly how to go about that, but I'll try to figure it out. You can look also. One place might be if the state you live in has a mental health site. There might be something on there. Don't know . If I find anything, I'll let you know. Hang in there Jen. I'll do whatever I can to help you. Love, Rhonda

I'm new but hi!
Posted by Shannon on Fri Jul 20 04:06:31 2001 (#8870)

Hello. I'm a cutter. And I'm suicidal, I have homicidal thoughts, and I'm new on this site...So hello!

Re: I'm new but hi!
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 20 04:35:14 2001 (#8872)

Hey Shannon, welcome here!! I have had similar thoughts..they suck! come here any time you need to or want to..e-mail me! -Love-

Re: I'm new but hi!
Posted by jen on Fri Jul 20 06:01:15 2001 (#8873)

hello shannon, i am also a cutter. welcome to the board. email me anytime luv jen

Re: I'm new but hi!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 02:18:11 2001 (#8886)

Hi Shannon, Welcome to the board. I'm not a cutter, but my daughter is. I just post here as an adult who really cares about everyone. I try to help see an adults point of view, but sometimes I don't make any sense. Oh well, guess I get some laughs sometimes. Everyone needs to laugh once in a while. E-mail me if you ever feel like it. Love, Rhonda

New message board
Posted by Mary on Fri Jul 20 18:31:29 2001 (#8877)

there is a new message board for those who self-harm and there is a spot for families to talk about their expences. The address is http://communities.msn.ca/self harmhaven Please take a look, we need your input.

Thanks.

just got back
Posted by Erica on Fri Jul 20 21:11:25 2001 (#8878)

Hi everyone, just a little update. By wednesday night I was doing horrible. I had made a couple small cuts on my legs. But it wasn't doing anything to take away the pain. So I got out the pills to overdose on. That's when I called for help. My friend convinced me to put away the pills. She kept me on the line until I was a bit more stable. Then I called another friend and she drove me to the hospital. I just did not trust myself alone at home. My friend sat with me in the ER. Then the doctor sent me to Crisis beds. It's basicaly a safe house. You can't do anything to harm yourself there. They even make you sign a contract. I decided to leave this morning. I'm spending the weekend at my parents. I'm not doing much better so I see my doctor on monday. I want to be committed. I can't control myself any more. I'm worried I will start using razors to hurt myself. I need help. Somehow I will survive.

Erica p.s. thanx to all those who answered my last post.

Re: just got back
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 00:57:24 2001 (#8881)

Im so glad you asked ro help, you know thats probably the best thing you can do in time of need. Thise hospitals are really great if you work them and help with your recovery if you not you'll end up going back..like I did =( Take care of yourself,you sound like a strong girl, Be safe Love ya!

Re: just got back
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 02:23:45 2001 (#8888)

Erica, I'm so glad you are getting help. Please take care of yourself. YOu're worth it. Love, Rhonda

lost......
Posted by emm on Sat Jul 21 00:08:49 2001 (#8879)

its me again, still felling down. this drepressing feeling just isnt going, no matter how many cuts i do.( i did about 1000 in the last day ! no joke) i feel horrible, sad and upset all the time.

i want to cry so much. but more than anything have someone to be with me now. to hug me and tell me things will get better and that they care about me.

i dont want to imagin it anymore i want to live it. i dont ask for much. a few kind words to my face. not tomorrow but now when i need them.

maby christien was right. suicide is the answer. it sounds good. ok so im a hypocrit. i told her not to do it not that long ago!

oh well i think its a good idea now. definatly! no work tomorrow and no more feeling crap.

YAY !!! happy now. im sorted. overdose! overdose!

now to go and search the web for tips!

ha ha ha. serve them right.

miss you all if it works! bye

Re: lost......
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 01:00:53 2001 (#8882)

=( that makes me really upset to hear people like that. But I kinda know how their thinking, Ive been there and down that shitty road to the point of killing yourself. But Im not that selfish, and I hope none of you are either. Please take care of yourself Emm...Please!!!!!

I feed off of other peoples support and success and when I see them down and out it brings me down..heh Guess I shouldbt be so dependent..well I hope to god you are okay. Suicide is my enemy, and I keep my enemies close. =\ Love ya!

Re: lost......
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 04:50:17 2001 (#9048)

exaclty how i feel babe all the time

Re: lost...... found
Posted by purpurschwarz on Mon Jul 30 11:30:09 2001 (#9135)

Suizid ist eine radikale Lösung. Meistens jedoch, gibt es andere Wege, ein Problem zu lösen. Was ist mit Psydocs?

ive done it. ha ha
Posted by emm on Sat Jul 21 00:33:37 2001 (#8880)

yay, i ve done it. 40 tablets. lots of hard work. dont like swallowing tablets but was worth it. ah well. my wish was not forfilled. shame.this is the result. see u all.well maby !!!! bye love you all

EEEMMMMMMMMM
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 01:03:04 2001 (#8883)

you know that we all care about you and Im sure someone around you does also, and to hear you say that you love us all but you are wanting to kill yourself and deprive you from us, well is torture, its horrible...be okay sweetie, IT GETS BETERR!!!!! OVER TIME! love you

Re: ive done it. ha ha
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 02:21:13 2001 (#8887)

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, EMM!!!!! DON'T GO AWAY! HANG IN THERE! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH! Love, RHONDA

Re: ive done it. ha ha
Posted by Pippa on Mon Jul 23 22:17:39 2001 (#8957)

hey, i might be new here, but please please get better, i don't know you at all, but you're special, and there are so many people who care about you... trust me on this one, i ust got oer exactly the same thing, i took about 30 tylenol, and i spent the next week throwing up and passing out, all i could do was lie on the sofa, i didn;'t even have enough energy to watch TV, it's not worth it, if you make yourself sick then it helps, but you've got to keep drinking water, about a pint every hour, sip it slowly and =try to eat something small and plain, like bread, nothing that';s got fat in it cos your body wont' cope. so, thst's my advise and warning, i guess, please get better, Love Pippa

Re: ive done it. ha ha
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 00:13:21 2001 (#9032)

emm, i love u and i love talking to u, if u go aways-forver then i'll never get to do that emm plz dont i care so much about u i really do! e-mail anytime plz i want to hear abotu ur problems!:) uve helped me alot! and if u go away then who will help me? -linzee

Re: question, Tara well ?
Posted by purpurschwarz on Mon Jul 30 11:34:17 2001 (#9136)

I looked for Tara's homepage , can't find it. would you please tell me the url? is Tara well?

Re: question, Tara well ?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Aug 4 19:31:31 2001 (#9274)

Thanks for asking. Tara is okay. She is still having some down days, but is hanging in there. You can get hold of her at the email address: frognrv@yahoo.com. Thanks again. Rhonda

Re: question, Tara well ?
Posted by purpurschwarz on Sun Aug 5 23:31:06 2001 (#9295)

thank you. i just wanted to know.

Re: ive done it. ha ha
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Tue Jul 24 01:01:30 2001 (#8966)

40 tablets of what? I took 30 tyenols when I was 14 and slept for 16 hours, nice sleep. Since then my body became toloerant to it, I can't explain it, It takes 10 tyenols to get rid of my headache.

They'll never go away
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 01:07:58 2001 (#8884)

Today me and my mom were in the Mall and I got one of those big leather bracelets that covers like your entire wrist and the bottom part of your lower arm. Its read leather and got stones on the outside of it, its soo cute, and Im so glad I got it..it just about covers those scars that are the worst on my body although.My other scars arnt as bad as the ones there..=) Im doing pretty good for now, No cutting, do drugging, no burning, no nothing, hah..this is a freakin miracle, I remember me the girl who was ready and willing to die or be locked to a bed for the rest of my life. It gets so much better, just help yourself in the right ways, love you all..take care =)

Re: They'll never go away
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 02:25:33 2001 (#8889)

Hang in there KAT! I always knew you could have some good times. Keep plugging away and I pray it just keeps getting better for you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Pass the pills and fancy plants...
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jul 21 03:41:22 2001 (#8891)

...Give us this day, our daily trance.

There has been way to much lately. Christine...Emmm... TOO MUCH!!!

I HATE FEELINGS. and memories

I need help... DRINKING AND DRUGGING

I'm not doing too well right now.

Re: Pass the pills and fancy plants...
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 04:56:19 2001 (#8893)

Rabbit sweetheart, PLEASE e-mail me, I dont know how you feel, but I have been there, I know I say that alot, I am a recovering alcoholic addict and I have almost 60 days sober, its hard as HELL, let me tell you but it sure can be done. love you! take care

Update (trigger?)
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jul 21 04:19:49 2001 (#8892)

It's been a week today since I took a hammer to my chest and tried to beat the shit out of myself. Because I was drunk, when my cat didn't come home that night I over-reacted and thought she had died. I got SO upset that it encouraged me to keep beating myself even though I had decided that it hurt too much. When I heard 'Mieows' from my bedroom I honestly believed it was her ghost haunting me and so I hit myself more and more. Then I finally found her accidentally locked in a cupboard but by that time I had done enough damage. I had pounded at rib #5 but it didn't snap. It had massive swelling and bruising though, and it still hurts when I touch it or move too much. My therapist reckons I may have fractured it. I feel so pathetic that I couldn't break it. Maybe next time.

And I was supposed to kill myself today... I keep setting suicide dates, but I wont be going through with it coz I have to work tonight. I chose today coz it's the first anniversary of my grandpa's death. In fact this morning we went to bury his ashes. I have guilt problems about his death too.

Hope I didn't bore you. Luv Maggie.

Re: Update (trigger?)
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 05:07:15 2001 (#8894)

Please get better it makes me sad to see you this way Maggie, take care of yourself for the sake of yourself and the ones who care. =)

Re: Update (trigger?)
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 06:52:52 2001 (#8896)

You could never bore us Mggie, we're all here for you. A fractured rib hurts pretty bad. Please take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing. E-mail me if you want to talk. Right now, its late Friday night, but I will back on the computer Saturday morning. (Oklahoma time) I would hope that you would forget about killing yourself, but I can't tell you what to do. I can just let you know that I'm thinking about you and hoping your feeling better. By the way, I have a big black cat named Midnight. He's huge but he's my baby, so I'm a cat person also. I'll be back later tomorrow. Love, Rhonda

I cut,,, IT scarred me.!!!!
Posted by Dawn....back....still trying to overcom on Sat Jul 21 09:37:03 2001 (#8899)

This board is very triggering for me. I read a post, can't remember which one and couldn't breathe, felt like someone was on top of me... then the scissors I unually use wouldn't to diddly so I used some hair scissora and must have nicked vien because the blood was pulsating out. I bandaged it and wraped papertape tight around my arm and called my doctors on call person who said I didn't need to go to ER, but shouldn't cut any more.....

It seems unreal that ppl keep telling me that and if I'm going to cut I'm going to cut.

Re: I cut,,, IT scarred me.!!!!
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 15:54:29 2001 (#8902)

Dawn..I know its hard to be selective in the posts you read so that you dont get triggered bc you dont know what lies inside the posts when you click it. Thats tough, getting hurt like that then needed assistence with it and you know people are going to be critical.. feel better, I hope your well. take care -love-

Re: I cut,,, IT scarred me.!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 17:00:50 2001 (#8903)

Take care of yourself Dawn. I sent you an email. write back when you feel like it. Love, Rhonda

better explanation of E M D R no story this time
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 21 09:51:28 2001 (#8900)

E M D R is a rapid I movement therapy that can dislodge troubling memories, feelings, and thoughts, and experiences. It doesn't work on everyone, but it worked on me, when nothing else did.

Say you go to a counselor, therapist, or shrink you has experience with EMDR. you sit face to face, say it is your obsession with cutting you are trying to break.

You think about cutting, but you keep your eyes focused on the persons fingers which are moving from side to side for 60 seconds. It may amaze you that at the end of the 60 seconds cutting is not an issue for you any more.

It may take several rounds before it is the thoughts of cutting being gone. but the thing is EMDR can perform such miracles as I said with memories, feelings, troubling thoughts, demeaning names and words, and experiences.

Does it make better sense now?

MAGGIE....losing ppl hurts
Posted by overcoming-1 on Sat Jul 21 10:25:47 2001 (#8901)

I've been worried about blackrose, now emm, please don't take your life Maggie......

Its hard to believe I am the one saying that. I've attempted suicide so many times. Crisis ppl would say "think of your children," or "think of your granddaughter." They would say almost anything to get me thinking of what my death would do to other ppl. And to put is blunty.....I didn't give a rats ass (excuse my language Linda)

but just the few weeks I've been on here I have came to care for ppl other than myself. I see their value. I can relate to their pain. I know what it feels like to "feel like your life is meaningless, empty, devoid of any REAL reason to exist any longer.

And know I'm not in that place and it hurt to think that we've lost blackrose, or emm.

Surprise..... that is the key word. I am surprised I am not there any longer.

I know this: I didn't really want to die...to cease to exist. I wanted the memories to stop, I wanted the pain gone, I wanted my broken heart mended..... I wanted off the merry go round.

My life on the whole has improved tremendously, I love my dog, Trixy, I love my (old) boyfriend...not the way I loved my childrens's father, but I love his as a friend, a protector, and a confidant. And I love the view from my sliding glass door and dining room windows. I have an externally great life. And I'm happy with it.

It is just whats inside my head to makes me cut. and those things I can work on.

Maggied dear, I'm here to help, email me Love Dawn

help?
Posted by sara on Sat Jul 21 18:12:01 2001 (#8905)

how do you know when you should get help? i don't know if i should right now, i mean sure i cut and i don't exactally eat. i don't know if i have a problem yet...but i don't know if i should get help...i told my parents i wanted to go back, they said no. i'm 17 and i'll be back at college in a month but i think something should be done. i'm losing the control i found in cutting and the control i found in not eating. i don't know...thanks....sara

Re: help?
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 18:18:48 2001 (#8906)

Oh sara sweetheart, Please get help right now! I dont know how far along youve been having these kind of problems but the earlier you start to work on them the faster and more effeciently they will be arrested. Im here alot if you wanna talk to me you sure can or e-mail me . best wishes to you. Also if you need a little push in the right direction your 17, most places will let you commit yourself right away, no hasle. Please get better. -love- =)

Re: help?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 22:48:23 2001 (#8907)

Please get some help Sara. If you need to talk, let me know. I'll even talk to your parents if you want me to. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: help?
Posted by sara on Mon Jul 23 06:41:41 2001 (#8945)

but how do you know that it is time...and the problem is my parents, the last person asked me if i wanted to get away for a little while and go somewhere else...i'm leaving for college again soon and i just want to turn my life around but i don't know how....sara

Re: help?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 24 00:34:09 2001 (#8961)

Sara, You could talk to anyone you feel safe with about this. It could be a pastor, a close friend or anyone else. You could even take a chance and try to find a policewoman to talk to. I know, I know, could be very risky cause some of the police can be really bad. The ones here in our town were very helpful though. We called them when Tara threatened to kill herself cause we didn't know who to turn to. They did something called "gatekeeping" with her. Oh, she was really mad at the beginning with all of us, but the police treated her very good and didn't say horrible things to her. They kept reasuring us that we did the right thing and looking back (2 1/2 years ago), we now know we did. Just please find someone to help you. I would help you if I was where you are. Write if you need to talk. Love, Rhonda

the point is.....
Posted by jes on Sun Jul 22 01:06:56 2001 (#8909)

that if someone wants to hurt themselves then that should be up to them and not the rest of the world, sure, if someone wants to be stopped or just too talk to someone then fine, go ahead, but for some people, its the only way they can gain relief from what could be suicidal thoughts. and if the person decides they want to kill themselves, then fine, dont feel sorry for someone being brave enough to do it. u may not agree, and im not even sure if that last bit came out right but thats why i put it on here, to hear (or see as the case maybe) other peoples views

Re: the point is.....
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 22 02:59:57 2001 (#8910)

yes but Jes, it most always gets to the point where cutting doesnt take away the grief and pain anymore, it just addes to the frustrations and becomes its whole new problem, yeah it may help for a while but it's not meant to help or be healtyh way to deal with things and it will come back and bite you in the ass in the end, I know from expierence.A person who is "brave" enough to commit suicide is not only thinking in the best state of mind they are probably scared as hell and I see it as a selfish act. Making yourself disappear is a way for a person to escape their problems but their problems will still be there on earth and the loved ones left behind will have a big deal of grief to carry on their shoulders. Not how Id like to leave my loved ones, sad, wondering why, and feeling guilty.Almost all of us here cut, we of course tell other people not to cut, why? Bc its not right! but sometimes its not even that we are saying DONT CUT, its that we are saying be careful, think before you act and no matter what happens we'll be here for you. Theres my thoughts on this, I kind of found your post to be a bit irritating to me, but thats just becasue I have been down that road of thinking and theres a dead end at the road, you must turn another way, bc that way of thinking will get you no where and fast. take care =)

Re: the point is.....
Posted by jes on Sun Jul 22 03:54:43 2001 (#8913)

i know that my message wasnt exactly a model of , whats the word??? i dunno. but n e way, it didnt sound how it was meant to sound,i f u know what i mean. i know its not exactly the best way to deal with it, what can i say, i m a bad communicator

Re: the point is.....
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 22 03:59:32 2001 (#8914)

dont worry about it sweetheart, I have a terrible time communicating what I feel aswell. I know how it can get twisted up from one person mind to the next. Sorry if I came off a bit harsh..its just I have been here well a little while and Ive kinda gotten irritated when people dont see things the way I do, but thats just part of my character defects things Im trying to get a grip on and change. Not every can see the same view, I understand this... Take care. -love-

Jes... The point is most of us want help
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 25 05:00:16 2001 (#9004)

I do not beleive you communicated what you wanted to say quite well. I am a cutter and I am proud to tell people I'm a cutter and that no one can stop me from cutting if I want to cut. Many people used to tell me, like in my mother's voice. "Now don't be doing that, understand." And I would laugh in their faces.

I came on this board to be with people who deal with pain and other shit the way I do. Because they know what cutting does. They know the relief it brings.

But like using alcohol and drugs to escape our problems, over time they lose their power and so does cutting.

After 13 years of cutting it has lost its effectiveness. The problems I had before I cut are the same one afterward. They don't just magically disappear.

That is why I'm here. To try and get ppl to understand that we need to get to the reason why we cut and deal with it and the obssession with cutting will over time decrease.

And you are wrong about suicide, I was wrong too. Suicide leaves holes in other people's lives. Kat was right it is selfish. I'm afraid we lost emm and the not knowing is hard. She impacted my life and many lives on this board. I don't even know how to end this, I guess just to say, the board is like a body and each of us has a useful gift to share, and when we loose one of our members, it takes away from the whole

Bye Dawn

Re: Jes... The point is most of us want help
Posted by star on Thu Aug 2 01:19:07 2001 (#9194)

i dont want to loose you, (*)

Re: the point is.....
Posted by *star* on Sat Aug 11 11:52:44 2001 (#9463)

Hi, well i read this and had to write felt sorta compelled to i dont think you can call it *bravery* thats all it doesnt seem a phrase that matches with it in my opinion im not having a go and you know who i am by now anyway *jes* so youll know it isnt a go mearly what i was thinking as i read, im still here if you want that help always yours *star* xxx

I am losing it.....
Posted by lys on Sun Jul 22 03:07:06 2001 (#8911)

well, tomorrow is my little sister's eighth birthday... She is getting so big. I feel shitty right now, as I pretty much have all week. I hate my foster home. I mean, they are rich tight-ass snobs. I hate them. And my therapy sessions aren't even going well, because every time she makes a remark about ANYTHING, borderline, parents, work, friends, anything, and I dissociate. She usually can tell too, and I swear she is getting more and more annoyed with me. I just can't stop it. It is hard to breath when it happens. I think the only way the ministry will move me is if I take an overdose or make an attempt or something. I am going to get my 2nd sleeping pill prescription filled and just take all of both bottles. I know it won't kill me. I know that, but it will make me sleep, and they will have to take me to the hospital and I am going to cut to get stitches.

Re: I am losing it.....
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 22 03:14:49 2001 (#8912)

this saddens me...Please be careful with what you choose to do to your precious body sweetie, after all its the only one ya got! =) take care -love-

I'm back!!! EMM????Please be ok!!!
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 22 04:09:48 2001 (#8915)

sry I haven't written in a few days...I really needed help and I felt selfish just sending out different suicide notes...I just can't take it though! I swear I'm loosing my mind...and sometimes it feels like for no reason! I took a bath 2day and started to cut for no reason...and my cuts from last night started to open up again and bleed...the water turned a pinkish color...I just need more! lately cutting hasen't seemed to quite to it for me but I'm trying not to commit suicide as hard as I possibly can...but it's like the answer (not a very good one but 1 to take away the pain) is just right here in front of me! the reason I'm trying soo hard is becuz I'd miss everyone here and "all my friends" too much! is that selfish? cuz that's how it feels! I feel soo selfish for still being here! I really need everyone right now...if u care or don't mind or whatever!

I really hope to death that Emm is ok...I can't stand for this to happen to her or ne one here! I feel that it's partly my fault she did it! and I'm soo sry! I wish I could just take everything back...everything I ever did and make things right again for everyone! I g2g 4 now! I'll post l8er! *hugs* something much needed! Christine Emm~ if ur ok please I'm begging u e-mail me or post!

Re: I'm back!!! EMM????Please be ok!!!
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 22 04:16:06 2001 (#8916)

Fell better..

Re: I'm back!!! EMM????Please be ok!!!
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 23 19:38:05 2001 (#8951)

Christine, I'm soooooo glad you're still here with us! Please don't feel selfish for still being here - you are a TERRIFIC person who DESERVES to be here. I will most definitely be here for you in whatever ways you need, and of course I don't "care or mind or whatever!!!" Friends are there for each other no matter what. And please, please know that I DO understand what it's like to want to die, to wish that you just weren't here anymore, to make the pain stop. But also know that sometime in the future, even if nothing improves drastically in your life, there will be at least one time when you will say, "boy I'm glad I was around for that." Hmmm I'm looking at my advice, and thinking maybe I should take some of it! lol.

I am thinking of you, too, Emma! Please be ok.

Both of you, take care and be safe.

Lots of love

Goodbye EVERYONE!
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 22 04:20:45 2001 (#8917)

Ive been feeling this way for a couple of days. All my replies to everyones posts just dont have an effort anymore, i MEAN I love the support and love I feel here, but the stories I read that are sad, well they bring me down and I cant keep helping people when I cant even help myself. I thought by helping others Id be helping myself, but I havent cut in a long time, my parents are getting help and Im sober now. I cant stay on this board any longer..well I mean I would love to post from time to time to see how everyones coming along in their heart breaking process, but I cant come here all the time and read every post like I have been its just not good for me anymore. Please be safe everyone, good luck to you in life, you can e-mail me but I dont know when I will get a chance to e-mail you back, but I will. I hope you dont feel as if Abondoning you,bc I dont mean it that way at all..I hope you all understand.. -Love Jessica-

Re: Goodbye EVERYONE!
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 22 04:37:41 2001 (#8918)

hun, I know how u feel! u can't stay here forever...it only brings u don't w/everyone else! ur not abandoning ne 1! I hope u take care! I don't want u to help others b4 urself...thats 1 of the reasons y some of u r here or sometimes y we get ourselves "introuble"! I really hope u feel better and get past this! e-mail or IM me 1ce in a while! *hugs* Christine

Re: Goodbye EVERYONE!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 22 17:45:26 2001 (#8928)

KAT, I understand why you need to leave. Just know that I will still be thinking of you and if you ever need to email me, please do so. It really pleases me to see your parents getting help, but it will probably still be hard for them. I'm also glad you're doing better. Take care of yourself and remember you still have friends who love and care about you. We'll always be here. Stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: Goodbye EVERYONE!
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 23 00:28:18 2001 (#8936)

Good luck sweetie. I wish you well. Stay safe.

Lots of love

died
Posted by linzee on Sun Jul 22 05:08:37 2001 (#8919)

my grampas has cancer hes dying... and i feel numb

Re: died
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Sun Jul 22 14:02:33 2001 (#8923)

Linzee, I'm sorry you are losing your granddad. Were you close? It can be hard losing relatives. But it is harder when you were close, when you love them. I lost my grandma Rogers when I was 17, I couldn't even stay at home. I loved her, in fact she is the one relative (not counting my siblings) whom I loved, or even cared for.

It is harder too watching them slowly deteriate. My mother lived two years after finally being diagnosed. but I lived 100 miles, whereas my sisters lived close be her. My grandma went very quickly.

I hope this is helping. I'm just trying to say I've experienced several deaths and no matter whether they are quick or slow each loss is different.

I care. You can mail me. love and hugs Dawn

Re: died
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 22 16:53:48 2001 (#8926)

aww hun! people die all the time,just don't think about it soo much! I hope ur ok! it's no ones fault, its natural! if u need to talk I'm here for u! k? u'll get thru this! *hugs* Christine

Re: died
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 22 17:55:30 2001 (#8929)

Hi Linzee, I'm so sorry about your grandpa.My grandma, Tara's great-grandma is also dying of cancer. It's been really hard for us to deal with. She's not recieving any chemo cause the one time she did, she had a heart attack, so she said no more. I don't really know how Tara is going to deal with it when the time comes. I'm hoping it will be a few more years. Mema has already outlived what the doctors predected by 1 year! She is a woman of very strong faith in her Lord and I think that has helped her. We have been spending a lot of time with her and making more memories to have when she is gone. I pray you have time to spend with your beloved grandpa cause I know how special they are. If you need me, just email me. Love, Rhonda

Re: died
Posted by jen on Sun Jul 22 19:39:28 2001 (#8933)

my grandma died a little over a month ago, she was diagnoised with cancer in feb. it was hard to watch her fade away. and i felt numb. i still feel numb and i dont know why. i wish so much that i could feel something. even sadness or something. i dont know. maybe it will be different for youu. i am here if you need to talk. luv jen

steps.... a responce to the voice of reason, etc..
Posted by lys on Sun Jul 22 06:01:07 2001 (#8920)

well, I know that this final responce is a little late in coming, but Dawn just said something (about not being able to leave but trying). Well, someone (I think it was the voice of reason) said that this (here, this board) may be a place to make the first step into recovery, and that is true. However, I believe that recovery is not jumping from step to step, but rather making a chain to the prospect of health. I mean, when you jump from step to step, not remembering the last one you took or being able to even see it or remember you are past it, you can fall, and you alsways fall hard. When you instead combine all of the steps and keep with all of them to health, and don't let go of them too soon (but at some point still), you may fall, but you still have those previous steps to fall back on.... am I making sense? It helps to have support. I am taking steps, I am seeing my counsellor every week, and I have reduced my cutting majorly, and I am still here, because I am not ready to let go of it.

anyways, I hope I made sense to at least someone... take care, lys

Re:lys, I get it.... I'm still going forward
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 22 14:31:52 2001 (#8924)

Achieving "good mental health" whatever that is, is not about not falling, it about progress.

I ex bought a baseball cap which mocked his addiction to alcohol. It read "I drink, I fall down, no problem". I hated that hat.

Recovery is like peeling an onion. We heal layer by layer.

When I left my ex I was broken beyond repair.

When I went to college classes and listened to lectures describing my inside, my insides began to spill out and there were so many all at the same time I could not handle the pain and started cutting, but I was determined to recover "from my life" come hell or high water. No matter the cost.

Sometimes in moments of weakness I still cut. But I am able to bounce back sooner and delay, and even sometimes choose not to cut.

But, I think now I can see that the vor had a point. If we read post that describe how we harm ourselves and everytime we read a post like that our resolve to quit is sabatoged.

This is a self injury message board, unfortunately when we need help the most there is usually no one online at that time and we are forced to fight the battle alone, and more often than not we fall.

It is my opinion that we need (I need my focus to be more of the whys of my cutting, that on the cutting itself)

So as for me (to the best of my ability I'm taking a different road) hugs and loves Dawn.....I'm going to overcome come hell or high water.

I made no sense at all.....
Posted by lys on Sun Jul 22 18:45:17 2001 (#8931)

I just re-read what I wrote, and I vaugely understand what I meant, and I wrote it, so I am not expecting too much from anyone who reads it.... I guess I am just saying that when you make progress (like the layers of an onion, that works too) it is important not to forget the past to learn from it. I mean, healing requires making mistakes, because how else are we going to learn, but if you remember where you are standing, you can almost always get back up again when you fall...

dying.... pls read...
Posted by lys on Sun Jul 22 06:07:27 2001 (#8921)

have you ever gotten to the point when all you want is to die, so badly that you almost seem dead? When all that seems alive anymore are the breathes taken in and the beating of you heart and the memories of all the things you had hurt you? When all you can remember is the pain, so bad you want to reach in and tear out your heart, but you are so weak from it all that you can't even remember why any of it happened. When sometimes you can't even remember what happened to you, but rather only the pain and the fear and the loneliness? I am there. I am beyond there. Every second I will my heart to stop beating, my breathes to stop coming and the thoughts to stop hurting me. But then I think that if my heart stops pumping, how could I bleed? How come I feel that only release? I know, I am pathetic for not being able to even finish this 'job', but I am just so tired.... so lost....

Re: dying.... pls read...
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 22 17:17:30 2001 (#8927)

lys, I know that feeling, it's been creeping up on me every five minutes for the last week! sometimes I don't even remember y I'm doing ne of it, I just do w/o even thinking, but just knowing that the pain is still there! I g2g! please e-mail me! *hugs* Christine

Re: dying.... pls read...
Posted by Dawn.. on Wed Jul 25 05:16:24 2001 (#9005)

I know what you mean. So many times I turn everything off so there is no sound and I slow my breathing and sit or lay perfectly still....and it seems as though I'm not alive. But my memories are intact, and so is the gift of life. Others have made my life hell on earth.....words,, ugly words echo in my head mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ,, That my friend was my dog on my keyboard. She jumped on my lap and gave me love kisses all over my face.

I'm glad I have her to remind me that all the ugly word and all the physical and mental memories are illusions. They are not real. They might feel real. Trust me I know.....

But dying is not the answer. When you were being hurt someone was with you. and that someone is by your side now. He loves you, Thank him for letting you breathe. Thanks him for his presences and know that you are never really alone.

Re: dying.... pls read...
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 03:57:33 2001 (#9039)

i guess in a way, the concept of god scares me. Although I am adamantly "un-Christian", mainly because I spent time in a Christian-based-cult, and part of the healing process was realising the flaws in my belief pattern, I am one of those people who believes that there is something out the religiously for me in the end, and that leaves me shitting in my pants. Not literally, of course. Rephrased: religion scares me, and I am not christian, I am Wiccan. But I know what you are saying. It is comfort the hear it the way you put it, to know that I wasn't alone then and have never been since, because I always feel alone and it is helpful to hear that...

my cats are like that too. And my foster moms dog. She is a sweet dog, half wolf and very loving and protective. this morning she climbed onto me while I was smoking (she has no concept of 'hot' or 'fire'. she put her paws on my shoulders and kissed my face and neck and ears. It was sweet, although very slobbery.

take care, lyssie

What if suicide isn't the end?
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jul 22 08:46:21 2001 (#8922)

Ok, there has been a whole hell of a lot of talk about death and suicide and all that jazz happening here lately. It seems that the point is that people just can't take the pain anymore and want to end it. I know how this is (BELIEVE me, I know). But I've been thinking lately about stuff, and I've been wondering if it really can happen that way. I don't know what anyone here thinks about afterlife or religion or spititual oneness with the universe or any of that cal, but no matter what you believe, I think this is worth at least considering. What if suicide is just the beginning? I mean, what if you kill yourself and get reincarnated as a skunk, or sent to hell or worse. (You could end up in Deluth!!!) I mean, can it really be that simple? (I KNOW that killing yourself is NOT simple, but humor me for a minute.) Killing yourself goes against every basic human instict, even more than cutting and other self injurous behavior. It's a really really big thing, and I'm wondering if you can really get off scott free for that. Maybe you can kill yourself without punishment, but it seems to me that somehow it doesn't work that way. Life has this tendency of really screwing people, and death would probably be the last hurrah for life to get one more zinger in, you know? I realize that this may not be making sense and I'm totally talking out of my ass, but this is what I've been wondering about.

Re: What if suicide isn't the end?
Posted by lys on Sun Jul 22 18:40:01 2001 (#8930)

well, I am so spaced right now (it is 9:30 here, and I have been up for 2 hours)so although I just skimmed it (i will read it again later) I did get the point. But I would like to say that the clearest part to me (and the part I really relate to, if you have ever read any of my posts) is the part about talking out of your ass. It seems i do that all the time. in fact, I am doing that now.

My thoughts for world peace are as follows: everyone would get along better if 'of' was spelt 'ov'. or 'uv'. You know, how it sounds!!! arg.... those stupid english bastards.... no one can even spell right...

anyways, I am going to go have a smoke and go back to bed, now that I have eaten bannock (yummy) and attacked all 3 of my cats(resulting in muggles plowing into a door, oops!!) and accidently locked muggles in the fridge.... anywho, good night/morning/naptime!!!!

Re: hopefully no one knows
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 23 02:47:29 2001 (#8942)

that's something to think about! but I hope that no 1 here ever learns for sure what really happens! everyone here means soo much...I can't stand the thought of loosing someone and I hope that Emm is ok too! *hugs* Christine

Re: What if suicide isn't the end?
Posted by Linda on Tue Jul 24 00:15:38 2001 (#8959)

Ohhhhhhhhhh now you guys know that I CANNOT resist a post like this one. Rabbit......you are really onto something!!! I promise you on the authority of the word of the Creator of this universe that death is NOT the end of anything. It is only the beginning. And the Bible says you can KNOW some things. You can know where you are going to spend eternity and I can assure you it is not that you will be coming back to this earth in order to redo your life in another form depending on your deeds. The Bible says "It is appointed unto man ONCE to die and after this the judgement." Anotherwords, you only get one chance. There is only one way to make the right choice and though I know that sounds very egotistical, I chance saying it because it is so important and there has been so much talk of suicide on here lately. It's not so hard...in fact it is so easy that it seems too easy. Your only way to settle your eternal destination for the good is to accept that you are a sinner and that Jesus was God in the flesh who died to pay for your sins. He waits to cover your sins with the only pure blood ever shed---His very own. I promise you it is the answer! Please give it much consideration.

my head
Posted by linzee on Sun Jul 22 14:36:59 2001 (#8925)

i have a not very postive post but i felt like saying it- i use knife and last nite i used a razor and wow was it better and fwelt better and worked better and its alround better- but the voices in my head tolled me to do very bad things with it to my self- so i have to be careful when i have it- i dont wnat tho voices to conrol me

Re: my head
Posted by lys on Sun Jul 22 18:48:09 2001 (#8932)

I use razors.... I am almost scared to use knives, in case they don't work. It is important that you understand that you have to control it, and not the voices, because often the voices are very very wrong. Please be careful, and take care of yourself!

Re: my head
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sun Jul 22 22:25:27 2001 (#8935)

I use ravorblades too, but it didn't make me feel pain, but I might start using knives, just to feel pain. I have those voices too, it's just one. Tells me to do things over again because it's not done the right way. Sometimes I just ignor them, but that gives me a headache.

Re: my head
Posted by jes on Mon Jul 23 01:59:11 2001 (#8938)

i never really even realised that there were any voices theyve been there soo long. one of them is nice and tells me im better than this and the other is eally nasty and says the opposite. the bad one usually wins. i would think they were just different sides of me having a lil argument now and again but when they srgue or even if theres only one of them and the other is, say, asleep, its always talking to the real me. i try not to get in to the conversation but sometimes its hard cos i just want them to shut up, even the nice one, cos i need my own head space. the nice one is like my friend gemma, shes soo sweet, but sometimes even she gets angry with me. am i insane?? i think maybe yes. jes

Re: my head
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Mon Jul 23 03:09:25 2001 (#8943)

I know what you mean, you're not insane. Sometimes I talk to myself and pretend to have comversations with people I know, it feels better afterwards because I feel like they know everything, when they don't, and when I talk to them in real life, it's easier to talk to them. Usually, it's so hard to talk to people I love and have to lie to them, telling them I'm alright when I'm not. That's such an automatic response. They ask, "are you alright", I say, "yeah", ya know?

Re: my head
Posted by *star* on Sat Aug 11 12:00:54 2001 (#9464)

Hey, well i read what you wrote *jes* and i think if there are voices there baby you need to talk about it talk about it with your *bad friends* such as me?? i know i never *help* or anything but i at least thought i could be here to talk if nothing else but whatever...or talk to another friend like gemma or someone if i dont help whichever way i think you need help with this. *star*

Re: my head
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 23 02:43:13 2001 (#8941)

Linzee, get rid of it! it only makes u think about it even more when u know u have it! put it somewhere u know u wont run to get it or just get rid of it completely! ur too good to have to run to it! it only makes things worse! w/o it u'll hurt urself less and u wont think of it as much! PLEASE try to do this for me....u don't have to, but I'm just asking u! e-mail me! *hugs* Christine

its time
Posted by jes on Mon Jul 23 01:52:15 2001 (#8937)

i know that none of u know me and so this is just a waste of time and a depressing one at that, but i've come to a point where i really cant go on any more. i have disappointed my family thru dropping out of college, and i cant find the strenght to go back because i know i will fail again. friends seem to be repelled by me, i just depress people and fail to tell them how i really feel, and end up with being called an attention seeker, jealous and a guilt trippr etc, maybe i am all of these things or not, i dont know. but even if u put all of that aside, i just cant live with being me and hating myself all of the time and feeling like im being crushed by an invisible force. the worst part is knowing that i might not even have the courage to do the one thing thatd make me happy. its too confusing. jes

Re: its time
Posted by Nuni on Mon Jul 23 02:21:14 2001 (#8939)

Hi, I wonder if you are the Jes I think you are. Still, I love you! i know I dont know you. But I have been where you are.. and I know it was completely terrible for me. I call it my DARK hole. Ill be here for you. I think that all those times I felt like giving up I didnt because someone here would tell me that. It helps, sometimes a little. But the effect is great nonetheless. Take care Jes~ Nuni

Re: its time
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 23 02:39:22 2001 (#8940)

Jes, aw hun please IM or e-mail me if u can! I really wanna talk to u! PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP! ur worth more than this! my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com please e-mail me! PLEASE!!! I'm here for u! *hugs* Christine

Re: its time
Posted by Emily Hopless on Mon Jul 23 03:16:46 2001 (#8944)

I know what you mean and I know how you feel, I was never called an attention seeker, but I know. I think that I realized the things that could make me happy, letting the rest of my family know what's going on, and having my lost childhood toy back. Sounds stupid, I know, but I realized what would make me happy, then I realized that those things wouldn't make me happy, even if I could have those things, anyway, it's confusing, but you have to find what's here right now, and what's real, and use it.

Re: its time
Posted by Dawn.....overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 23 10:48:30 2001 (#8948)

Jes, I care about you and so does most, if not all, of the ppl on this board.

I am still alive....and I've been where you are now, no I do not reside in your skin, I haven't walked your life with you, but trust me I've been through hell and back and most days I don't hate myself anymore.

Some of my days are ...... the word bad does not do it justice "horrendous" is probably a better word.... Some days I just stay in bed, doped up. And I am a Christian.

You are you and I am me.... we are separate ppl and your life is not mine and vice versa. I have to give that speach to my boyfriend a lot because he sometimes say, I should do this or shouldn't do that. But I tell him. I will do what I want.

So when you say, "in so many word" my life is shitty and I don't want to be me, and you think about ending your suffering. Well it your life and its your choice.

But my life was shitty, I hated being me, still do some days. I would say join the crowd. Most, if not all, of us on this board has probably felt and thought the same things. But most of us are still here.

Please hold on to the hope that you will get through this battle. Wars are won, one battle at a time, and it aint over till its over, and losing the battle now and then does not mean you will lose the war.

This board, originates in the United Kingdom and ppl post here from all around the world, so someone is on the board 24/7. Don't give up.

Email me and we can talk more. Love and Hugs from....Dawn....overcoming-1

Re: its time
Posted by *star* on Thu Aug 2 01:02:09 2001 (#9193)

jes, i think i know who you are and if you are who i think you are then basically all that you said here is my *fault*, i said those things and i meant them, its difficult on here i see the other side there isnt from what i can see the other side, i would do anything for you and you know that but after a while theres no more you can do, we cant even talk about it thats what makes it worse cause i cant bear to see it and hear it it gets me down, i sometimes feel im more depressed than you because of it, if anyone reads this im gonna be checking it for a while or if you wouldnt ming mailing me i would really apricheate itand if anyone would mind talking to me about the other side of it the watching your best friend doing it side i really need to And *jes* you know i love you with all my heart. *star* xx

so someone asks...
Posted by sara on Mon Jul 23 06:59:17 2001 (#8946)

ok, only three people know that i cut, my fomer therapist, my older "sister," and a good friend who just out of the blue asked me. anyway, one of the instructures of my flute ensamble saw marks on my arm...and gave me a really funny look, i think that she knows...the look was sympathic. after practice was over, she told me to come 45 minutes early and to meet her in her office tommorrow because she wants to talk about how things have been going lately b/c i am the principal flautist...but i don't know...she kept looking back over at me all of practice like she wanted me to say something...if i lie, she will know that i am...and what am i supposed to do, i mean she has known me for the past 9 years so i can't lie to her, what am i supposed to say/do? i don't think that she would tell my parents, but i don't know...thanks for listening to my ramble...sara

Re: so someone asks...
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 23 09:52:46 2001 (#8947)

Telling is totally in your control. If you want help, support, then tell.

Cutting has power in secrecy, and as I've been noticing on this board, sharing details can be healing for you and detrimental for others.

If your instructor asks you anything I could bet one of the first questions will be "why?" It is up to you how you answer, and if it is true that you do not know, then tell her that. I guess only you can choose to answer questions and only you can tell the truth, both to yourself and to others.

As a teenager I ran away, 9 times I ran away and only the first one did I know of the reason. I was almost 37 before I found out why.

The ppl on this board care. There are adults who read the post and pray for each and all of us. So you know that others know and do not judge or condem you. Stay Safe.....Dawn

Re: so someone asks... sara please read
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 23 18:32:35 2001 (#8949)

Sara, if u tell her that u cut odds r she's gonna tell ur parents, even if she doesn't want to! it's against the law for u to tell her that information and her not tell ne one else! how old r u? jw cuz sometimes this will work out for ur benifit! she'll have to tell the councilor they have there and they'll atuomatically call ur parents! or atleast that's what they did when I told 1 of my teachers I thought I could trust! after they explained how this all worked! u can't tell them stuff like that w/o them telling someone else (not another teacher cuz that's illegal but the councilor principal and ur parents)! my teacher wasn't supposed to tell but I think he did, either that or the teachers just figured it on their own! o well! if u don't want ur parents to know I wouldn't go to her to talk cuz she can tell when ur lying u said! but then again wouldn't it be better if ur parents knew! I dunno! it's ur call! sry I'm not much help! *hugs* Christine

Re: so someone asks... sara please read
Posted by sara on Mon Jul 23 19:09:34 2001 (#8950)

i'm 17 and in college, she is a flute professor (i'm doing minoring in flute and majoring in pre-med, its kind of an odd combination, but it works for me). i don't know if the same thing holds true for colleges, i don't think that it does. anyway, i have gone and taked to the people at the student counseling center and more or less told the person i was talking to and they didn't call my parents last year when i was 16. i guess they figure that college students are going to do as they please, they told me that if my parents where paying for my college, then yes they would talk to them, but since i am there on a scholarship, then they recommend that i talk to my parents, but they couldn't tell them. i don't even know if they believe me for that matter. but my flute prof. i don't know what she will do, she has taught me flute for 9 years and then joined the ensamble she teaches last year. i don't think that she would tell my parents, i'm not worried about that, i don't think that my parents would even do anything about it if she did. i'm just worried about how she will react and what she will say...that's all...sara

Re: so someone asks... sara please read
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 24 00:40:07 2001 (#8962)

Hi Sara, I don't know, she sounds like she really cares about you. But it's up to you to take a chance and tell her. You might be surprised at how she reacts. If you've known her for 9 years, chances are she's worried about you and she might want to see if she can help. Wouldn't that be great?!! Not all adults react badly. Please consider giving her a chance,but make sure you feel comfortable first. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: so someone asks...
Posted by lys on Mon Jul 23 20:12:52 2001 (#8954)

well, if she does know that you are cutting, then the best way to deal with it would probably to tell her that although you appreciate her concern, it is a matter being dealt with by your therapist (whether or not you have one doesn't matter to say this). If she asks who, give a random name. or say you would rather not discuss the details. either or. anyway, I hope all goes well tomorrow, and take care! lyssie

Re: so someone asks...
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 00:10:34 2001 (#9031)

if uve have knowen her that long i would tell her, unless (i dont know her) but unless ur not that close with her or something like that but othe rwise tell her let her know , u dont hav eto tell her WHY just that ur feeling a lil down and u got help/getting help and ttell her that u appricate her caring! thats all she has to know.

ummmmm...........yeah..........
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 23 20:01:03 2001 (#8952)

I am beginning this post with absolutely NO IDEA where it is going to go. All I know is that right now, I'm feeling absolutely miserable and overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. There is no big life-changing event going on in my life. Nothing at all has even really happened. I am going through another rough patch, and I know you all understand what it's like. So just bear with me, or just don't read this, I have NO CLUE WHAT I'M EVEN TALKING ABOUT!! Talk about rambles, what kind of ramble is this? It doesn't even have a subject. I just know that the pain, it is seriously taking over my life. Even my mother, yes MY mother, the one who expects perfection out of me, said to me the other day, "You're not happy. You are always sad or angry. Why are you that way?" I DON'T KNOW WHY!! I'm not angry towards anyone but her. And myself. She's the only one that ever sees my anger, but the anger is only expressed towards her. I don't know how else to deal with her. Everything she does irritates me. And how was I supposed to respond to that question? And so I just put on the little show that everyone in the world thinks is me, and I gave her a crazy look and said, "what are you talking about? I'm fine." I CAN NOT TALK TO HER! IT IS IMPOSSIBLE! Impossible for me, not only because it's soooooooooooo difficult to talk to her, but impossibe because I know that she would not accept anything I told her. I don't know how much longer I can put on the happy face. Every day I put on the act, make everyone think I'm a happy-go-lucky 16 year old, when inside I WANT TO DIE! I hate myself. I hate the pain. I hate the way my mother acts. I hate that I have to hide who I really am. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. And then I feel soooooooooooooooooooooooo completely selfish, because there are kids out there who are living on the streets, kids who are starving, kids who have cancer and other illnesses. There are adults like that too! My life is better than those people's, and yet here I am depressed. It seems so selfish. But I can't help it! If I could change everything and "snap out of it" I would! But it is IMPOSSIBLE!

Ok....so this started off as pointless and pretty much ended the same way. I just need to vent sometimes.

well, maybe the pint was that there wasn't one....
Posted by lys on Mon Jul 23 20:08:16 2001 (#8953)

"life sucks, and then you die." my most true statement. everyone deals with different things, and you are dealing with some pretty shitty stuff too. It just makes it worse to compare yourself against others in completely different situations because 'it isn't what happens but how you deal with it that counts'. so there very well may be someone out there in worst pain than you, but it is impossible to measure the hurting of emotions.... I am sorry if I made no sense, but reading your post reminds mme of where I have been.

Please take care of yourself... lyssie

Re: well, maybe the pint was that there wasn't one
Posted by diana on Mon Jul 23 21:55:35 2001 (#8956)

Hey. Yeah i feel exactly the same way around my mom. And this is what some1 told me.. they said that i yell at her and take out my pain on her because she'll always be there and always love me. Even thought i don't like her, or so i don't think i do, she'll always be here. Some friends will jus leave u'r side when you bitch n yell, but parents don't. Yeah they may yell and disopline you, but they will always be there. So maybe that is why you take it out on your mom.. and maybe that is why i do to. Email me if you want. Take care. diana

Re: ummmmm...........yeah..........
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 23 21:47:21 2001 (#8955)

*me*, I feel the same way towards my parents, I'm even depressed for no reason half the time, I just am! I thought about how other ppl have it worse and think to myself y I'm complaining but my friend just toldme the same thing lys told u, and she's right! I put on my lil happy face around my parents so they don't bug me w/q's I want to answer but just don't know how to tell them, or just bugging me for no reason! I can't talk to my parents about it either...it is impossible! I g2g! e-mail me if u wanna talk! *hugs* Christine

Re: ummmmm...........yeah..........
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 24 04:31:31 2001 (#8973)

I'm sorry you're having problems with your mom. Wish I could help. I can't even really say to try and stay strong cause I don't think I could if I was in your shoes. All I can say is I'm thinking of you and hoping you can find a way to deal with the problem without hurting yourself. No one is perfect and I don't expect teenagers to be perfect. Life is hard enough without having to deal with what ya'll are going through. It really makes me wish I could change things, but I can't. Take care and email if you want to talk. Love, Rhonda

Re: ummmmm...........yeah..........
Posted by Dawn...Overcoming-1@webtv.net on Wed Jul 25 05:30:46 2001 (#9006)

Ok, so I didn't read all your post. Not even half, and I didn't read the responses... which is a first for me.

But I just had to jump in and say again... what so many of you are calling rambling is really called processing thoughts and feelings without censuring them. And it is a GOOD Thing.......

Too often we treat ourselves as if we are in an english or grammer class and every word we right must follow a certain pattern. But actually if we allow ourselves to "Free Write" we will see things in a different light, and somethings that were hidden will become clear and make sense out of something else.

Keep writing..... none of us are going to grade your work. Love and Hugs ....overcoming-1 Dawn

Re: ummmmm...........yeah..........
Posted by lilly on Fri Jul 27 02:48:20 2001 (#9035)

It's O.K. to be angry and sad. Don't feel selfish for being human. Lilly

hi, new here...
Posted by Pippa on Mon Jul 23 22:29:07 2001 (#8958)

hey all, i'm new here, and, well, i dunno, i guess i feel a little out of place cos you've all got like, a little circle and you all seem to be really close friends and all, i feel like an outsider. so, here's a brief intro to me... i'm 14 and i live in England, i guess that most of you are in the US somewhere. i've been cutting for about 9 months, and on Christmas day last year i tried to commit suicide, and things have just got worse ever since. i was raped by my cousin when i was 8, which was probably the thing that started it all, of course, i wqas onyl 8 so i didn't really know tha it was wrong, then at skool we were taslking about rape and stuff, and i just ran out the room in tears, no one knew why, and at a club where i live i finally told my friend, and all she could do was give me the biggest hug she could. i guess t helped having someone know, but she couldn't do anything about it. my other friend found out, and then she took me to this couselling thing, but it didn;'t help either, i jsut felt so useless, as if nothing really had a purpose any more, and i guess i still feel the same way. i moved from my arms to my legs, and i've even got scars on my stomach, i ran out of fresh skin.... i know thati have'nt had a brilliant life, but i know that there are loadsa people worse off than me, but that doesn't really help that much. so, sorry if i bore you or anything Please post back...Pippa

Re: hi, new here...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 24 00:54:14 2001 (#8964)

Hi Pippa, My name is Rhonda and my daughter cuts. She posts here sometimes but hasn't lately cause of her job.Some of the others know me as the one who gives an adult point of view. Tara is fixing to turn 18 but has been cutting since she was 14. She was raped also, by someone she considered a friend. She's had so much support from me and everyone here on this board. It's a good place to come. We live in the state of Oklahoma, where it gets really hot. Today was 106 degrees!!!! Anyway, don't worry about boring us cause you can't. We all care about what happens to each other and now we'll consider you part of the family. It sounds like you have some friends who also care about you. Have you told your parents? Do you think they would understand? If not, how about a teacher or preacher you know? I think it hurts worse to keep a secret, but then I can't claim to know how anybody feels cause I don't cut. I've never really had any of the problems talked about on this board, so I can't say anything about feelings. All I do is try to help everyone understand that not all adults are alike and there are some who truly care about their kids. Ask anyone on the board, one of my pet peeves is a parent who just doesn't care or abuses their kids. That really gets me upset and I'm liable to open my big mouth and say things I probably shouldn't. My advice is to find an adult who you trust and feel safe with and see if they can get you some help. I'm praying that your parents will help. Email me anytime you want. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: hi, new here...
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Tue Jul 24 00:55:54 2001 (#8965)

Hi! I just joined a few days ago on this board too. I agree that there is a circle but I want to ignor that, we're all people with problems here, we have to support eachother. I can't understand what you're going through, because I think that all self injurers are different. I cut and burn smoke and drink and take whatever pills I could find and recently became bulimic. It's such a hard thing to deal with, I know and understand that. You haven't bored me :) I like to listen and have my say. welcome, I'm new too.

---Emily Hopeless

OMG I can't live here ne longer!
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 00:23:54 2001 (#8960)

where in the HELL is my mom! I hate this soo bad! my dad is being a complete asshole and I can't take it ne more! I wanna leave my house I just finished packing! I can't talk to him! he doesn't let me wear what I want or go ne where w/out me going w/my sis or a friend! he totally exploded on me when I showed him shoes I saved MY money for...he doesn't approve of NE THING I do! I hate him! I HATE HIM!!!! I wanna leave my house! I g2g...I might go to my friend's 2night! *hugs* Christine

Re: OMG I can't live here ne longer!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 24 01:02:20 2001 (#8967)

You're right Christine, go to your friends tonight. You'll cool down and maybe your dad will too. I've found that dad's can be real jerks when it comes to their daughters. My husband(Craig) still can be sometimes. He just doesn't want Tara or Tasha wearing clothes he thinks show to much. There used to be screaming matches, with me playing refree, but now they just discuss. But as the girls have gotten older, they have come to respect some of the rules we have. About the only one they have to follow is, no boobs or butt checks hanging out!! But Tara does earn her own money and we both feel she has the right to spend it as she wants. We may not agree with what she has gotten but it is her money. Anyway, I've rambled on enough, so I'll close but saying I hope you both can cool off. Email me if you want to talk. Take care and stay cool. Love, Rhonda

Re: OMG I can't live here ne longer!
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Tue Jul 24 01:03:33 2001 (#8968)

yeah, that sounds unfair how he treats you, I don't know you, but I know what you mean, good thing you left. It should be something good (I hope). good luck *hugs*

crazy messed up
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Tue Jul 24 00:51:24 2001 (#8963)

okay, have you ever been on anti depressants and you couldn't feel anything, like you were totally empty, there was nothing inside of you? That's me, that's what's going on. I know they're suppose to help me and I need the help, I know all that, I know all this would be better for me. Last night I had a fit because I wanted some alcohol and we had none in the house. I was so angry! I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come because of the zoloft. That made me even more pissed off. I ended up making myself vomit and it felt really good, I want to do it again. I feel so fucked up, I know the zoloft is working, because I feel it, I feel it tearing up my depression and anger, but I still know it's there. I know my feelings are there but the zoloft is hiding them, it's so empty, I'm so fucking empty and I can't do anything about it, I can't feel and it makes me so angry that I can't feel anything. I know I feel the anger, I know I do. Fuck, It's so frustrating. Have you ever felt the same way?

Re: crazy messed up
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 24 03:47:18 2001 (#8969)

Oh jeepers, do I ever. I had a bout with trial and error pill popping thanks to my designated health care professionals. Believe me, it sucked!! However, when you do find the right meds and the right dosage things can get better. The anti-depressants are supposed to make it so that you can handle the feelings, but they aren't supposed to take them away entirely. If you feel totally numb and don't like it, then maybe you should try another drug. It took a couple pill cocktails for me, but then they finally figured it out and it worked. Good luck.

Re: crazy messed up
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 24 04:25:08 2001 (#8972)

Tara was on Zoloft, but it didn't work for her. She now takes Effexor XR. It does really good for her. She also takes Topamax and Adderal for her flashbacks and A.D.D. That in combitation has worked wonders for her. Try something else if your current meds aren't working. They shouldn't have you feeling empty like that. Good luck and take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: crazy messed up
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 25 05:47:05 2001 (#9007)

I've been on anti-depressants for 13 years.I used to be able to sleep any time or anywhere I wanted but the meds made it so I can't sleep without taking a lot of meds.

An adjustment of your meds may be in order. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut it might be something else making you feel empty.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the symptoms is a feeling of emptiness, another is a problem with drugs and alcohol, anger, feeling hopeless, having unstable relationships, being impuslive, binge spending, and a host of other things.

The one things about me is that I have clinical depression, post traumatic stress syndrom as well and sometime all three are screwing up my head at the same time.

Most of the time I just have to hang on for deer life and wait for things to calm down.

Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Wed Jul 25 12:09:56 2001 (#9012)

ya, thanks for that, I looked that up, I have a little over have of the symptoms, it made me very very very angry. Now I have to talk about this with my psychiatrist. Fuck, am I ever angry about this... okay, maybe this is all a good thing....

Re: crazy messed up
Posted by diving mermaid on Thu Jul 26 19:30:43 2001 (#9027)

I have been on tricyclic antidepressant for two months now and I felt that my outside was OK but my inside a dark black hole. I am cutting them down now because I would rather be myself but if the hurt is absolutely unberable I think it woul be better taking them.

emm???
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 24 03:47:44 2001 (#8970)

emm are you still there and just not responding. i hope you are ok. has anyone heard from her since her last post? i know we never really talked emm but if you are just reading i hope you are doing ok and i just wawnted to let you know that i was thinking about you and i honestly care how you are doing. so ya if anyone knows how she is please post back luv jen

Re: emm???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 24 04:21:33 2001 (#8971)

I really hope you're okay emm. If you don't want to post, that's fine. Could you please email one of us to let us know how you're doing? I'll say a prayer for you emm. Know that I care about you. Love, Rhonda

Re: emm???
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 05:21:50 2001 (#8974)

Emm??? OMG hun I hope soOo bad that ur ok! I miss u so much it's not even funny! u gotta be ok...ur strong and important! ur important to me and ppl on this board! please be ok! if u get a chance to read this please e-mail me...something, anything to know ur ok! please! *hugs* Christine

bad dayzz
Posted by diana on Tue Jul 24 05:46:33 2001 (#8975)

I know that everyone has there good n bad days, but today has been soooo shitty. Every little thing has been bothering me and i dont' even know why. I freakin don't want to be here nemore. I don't know how much longer i can take.

Re: bad dayzz
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 24 05:57:45 2001 (#8976)

Sweetie I TOTALLY know what you mean. I don't know how much help I can be, but "I freakin don't want to be here nemore" TOO! And I don't know how much longer I can take it either. I don't know what else to tell you, except that I'm in one of those rutts now, too, and it is an awful, awful place to be.

Re: bad dayzz
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 18:10:58 2001 (#8981)

Diana, u gotta be strong, ur soo important to me, everyone here is! I don't wanna loose another friend! ur stronger than this, u can pull thru! I'm here for u if u ever need ne thing at all! *hugs* Christine

EVERY ONE PLEZ READ
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 25 06:20:59 2001 (#9008)

Diana, I too know the feeling of stop the world I want to get off. But 13 years later and I'm still here. In my darkest days I couldn't see tomorrow, much lest a future. All I knew was PAIN.....It was like a cloak draped over my life and writing my thoughts and feelings down helped, but it didn't take the darkness away.........whoa

Do either of you know Jesus or read the Bible?

The reason I asked is that as I was writing about the darkness a bit of scripture came into my mind. It is from Psalms 139, one of my favorite chapters....anyway it is talking about the presence of God being everywhere.....then it says,"even the darkness is not dark to you.

I know that Jesus, God's son was with me even in my darkest days. Like the day I went to call and talk to my kids who lived with their dad. Up to that point I could call them collect. But one day the operator asked if they would accept a collect call from me and I heard my son's voice say no.

Just writing this and revisitng that day brings tears to my eyes. I went home and wrote a letter to my ex and told him he could tell my children why I was ending my life. Then I took all my anti-depressants and walked to the post office a few blocks away and mailed the letter. Then I saw the phone booth and decided I needed to call and cancel my appointment with my doctor and the honest person inside them told them I wouldn't be alive.

That phone call saved my life. It taught me acting on suicidal thoughts is not a good thing... I really didn't want to die.... I just wanted a different life....I wanted the pain gone.

It isn't all gone...but its better. Today my son replied to an e-card I sent him and he told me he loves me.

My oldest daughter calls me from truch stops all over the US, and my middle child emails me often and she sends me pictures of my granddaughter.

You see. Life changes....we might not see the changes as they come because we look at one dot at a time. But if we can hang on one more day, one day at a time the situations in our lives will change

Question...
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 24 06:04:54 2001 (#8977)

Does anyone watch Boston Public here? I REALLY need an answer...tonight's episode (which was a rerun, and I had seen it before and was curious about this, then, too) had a song in it. The suicide club was singing some song, and it went something like, "yah I'm gonna kill myself. Commit a little suicide...." and then I don't know the rest of the lyrics...something like, "yah I'm gonna cut myself." And Lauren walked into the classroom and they stopped singing...Ok well my question is, is this a real song? If it is, did they change the lyrics? If not, who sings it and what is the name of it? Ok so those were more than one question. I would love to get the lyrics to it. Thanks in advance.

Re: Question...
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 19:20:41 2001 (#8985)

*me*, I know the song that ur talking about but I don't know the name of it or ne thing so I contacted to FOX Broadcasting Company to send me the lyrics if possible because the song had caught my attention to! hopefully a copy will be sent and I could give u the name and lyrics! *hugs* Christine

Re: Question...
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 24 19:31:31 2001 (#8986)

Awe if they reply be sure to let me know! I'd love to have the lyrics. Thanks hun.

Hey..I might have found it..
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 24 20:32:33 2001 (#8990)

I was on the Boston Public site trying to see if I could find the song, and someone had asked on the message boards - apparently Elton John sings it and the song is called I Think I'm Going to Kill Myself from the album Honkey Chateau. I'm gonna go look for the lyrics, I'll letcha know. :-)

Yup I found it, here are the lyrics
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 24 20:35:54 2001 (#8992)

I'm getting bored Being part of mankind There's not a lot to do no more This race is a waste of time

People rushing everywhere Swarming around like flies Think I'll buy a forty four Give them all a surprise

Think I'm gonna kill myself Cause a little suicide Stick around for a couple of days What a scandal if I died

Yeah I'm gonna kill myself Get a little headline news I'd like to see what the papers say On the state of teenage blues

A rift in my family I can't use the car I gotta be in by ten o'clock Who do they think they are

I'd make an exception If you want to save my life Brigitte Bardot gotta come And see me every night

Re: Yup I found it, here are the lyrics
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 20:42:57 2001 (#8993)

YAY! hehehe! I'm happy u found them! *hugs* Christine

sleep??
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 24 09:46:41 2001 (#8978)

do any of you guys/ girls : ) have problems sleeping? either you cant fall asleep or you dont sleep through the nite. like me i usually go to bed around 2-ish and then i wake up at least 3 times a nite or as much as every 10 min. why the heck is that. i KNOW that it isnt normal. just wanna know if someone, if anyone is in the same boat let me know. or if you anyone has an idea about why this happens to me, other than i am just crazy cuz i know that : ), could you maybe let me know. thanx a bunch luv jen

Re: sleep??
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 18:19:07 2001 (#8982)

Jen, I have trouble sleeping...I got my therapist person to prescribe some sleeping pills...not strong, but they let me sleep! after a few days to a about 2 weeks of taking them I got into the habit of actually falling asleep, but I haven't been taking them lately and u only use them when u need them (I need them but wont take them right now)! just thought u wanted to know...if u wanna talk I'm here! *hugs* Christine

Re: sleep??
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 24 19:38:50 2001 (#8987)

YES!! Now that it's summer I don't go to bed until 1 or 2 am, and I NEVER fall asleep until at least 3. During the school year I go to bed around 11:30 or 12, and I usually can't fall asleep until, like, 1 am or later. Once I do fall asleep, I don't stay asleep. I wake up at LEAST once or twice during the night, sometimes a lot more. And once I'm up, it takes me about a half hour or more to fall back asleep, and then I wake up again either within the hour, or within a couple hours. And then there are the nights when I can't sleep at all, and I just lie in my bed all night awake.

I don't know why it happens, but you're not alone.

shite
Posted by ChrisE on Tue Jul 24 15:11:45 2001 (#8979)

So finally I snapped and decided I can't go on like this. Reality has eluded me for far too long. Confronted my paranoid hatred of doctors and tried to see one. Can't, it's out of term time so there's not really any point providing doctors, is there? Which is just fucking great, the only positive thing I can remember doing ever and this bastard town conspires against me. Two days in which to lose my nerve and not keep my appointment. Two days in which to get drunk and not go to work. Two more fucking days to self destruct some more. Two more days turn into two more weeks turn into two more months... Destiny. I'm so tired of this.

Re: shite
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 18:22:53 2001 (#8983)

ChrisE, please don't give up...I need u to stay strong...everyone here is soo strong..u may not believe it but u r! u survived this far, now u gotta pull thru! it's not the end...please don't give up! e-mail me! *hugs* Christine

new and afraid
Posted by willow on Tue Jul 24 17:31:02 2001 (#8980)

I am new here but not to SI. I can't decide if I even want to stopp. My girlfreind wants me to but I can't do it for her, I know this. I ahve one week today butr this scares me because it seems like the longer I go w/o cutting the worse it is when I break down. Thanks for listening

Re: new and afraid
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 18:37:54 2001 (#8984)

welcome to the board! my name is Christine, I've been SIing for 2 years now! U can pull thru for ur gf...give it time and keep trying! I know what u mean when u said that after trying to stop and breaking down the cuts get deeper and deeper...I do that too! I'd like to know a lil about urself...if possible! my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com don't let the name throw u off...u can e-mail or IM me for ne thing u need, or if u just wanna talk or whatever! *hugs* Christine

Re: new and afraid
Posted by ChrisE on Thu Jul 26 13:24:36 2001 (#9024)

I know that feeling. In theory, want to stop (though I actually don't), but know that I will fall and it's not something I'm likely to be able to control when I do. Whereas I mostly can if I don't want it that badly. Good luck etc. Does that make sense? Sorry, bit distracted today.

I have this scar...
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 24 19:51:27 2001 (#8989)

Ok so I think a lot of you know that a while back I made a really deep cut on my shoulder which kind of scared me out of cutting for a while (19 days...almost 20). Well, it's pretty much healed, and now I have this monster scar, I mean, you know how scar tissue kind of builds up and you get like a little raised scar? Well this scar is raised, like, a LOT. And it's just wide and ugly..but the strange thing is I don't mind my scars except when I'm in danger of getting caught bc of them..ok but I'm getting off the subject.

The scar, when anything touches it, even like when my shirt rubs against it, it..hurts. Not like a BAD hurt, but it, like, tingles. Did I damage nerves or something? And the scar, it's still a reddish-pinkish color, but in it you can see, I don't know what they are, they're darker red squiggly lines, like blood vessels or something like that, they're not veins, they're little...I don't know my medical terms but they're visible in the scar. Ok so I guess my question is did I damage something when I cut?

Re: I have this scar...
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 24 20:33:43 2001 (#8991)

*me*, I think u may have damaged something...u may want to c a doctor or someone who knows cuz I think u did some real damage! I g2g! *hugs* Christine

Re: I have this scar...
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 25 06:48:46 2001 (#9009)

I have had 5 surgeries on my shoulders. Both have large ugly scars. The scar from the last surgery is like your's. It is very sensitive to touch and clothing. I have found that massaging lotion on it helps.

The one on my right shoulder is older and doesn't bother me at all. But if you are worried about it see a doctor.

If you are a minor look in the phonebook for youth services and maybe you can be seen without parental notification.

You would think if they can give kids condoms and do abortions without parental notification they should be helping cutters. NOT THAT I AGREE WITH ABORTIONS it was just an example of services teens are privy to.

I have one like that too....
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 04:07:08 2001 (#9041)

I have a very sensitive raised, red scar on my wrist from a cut, even though it had stitches, it got infected. Dawn said massiging lotion into it, and that helps. I have also found that soaking a bandage with vitamin E oil and then wrapping it all day or overnight helps, it soothes the pain a lot.

Next time if you cut deep, try to keep it closed. If you get medical tape a pinch it shut, leave the tape on for +3 days at a time before changing it, and don't get it too wet. Also keep bandages over top of the tape to help it stay closed and clean. That way, you don't get really bad scars....

take care, lyssie

how can i help
Posted by Lilly on Tue Jul 24 23:36:30 2001 (#8995)

I just found out that someone I love very much hurts herself. She is not aware that I know anything yet, but I feel certain she'll talk to me soon. What helps you guys. What are the right words to say to someone in the midst of despair so deep that the only relief is pain?

Re: how can i help
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 24 23:45:53 2001 (#8996)

the most that you can do is be there for her. let her know that you genuienly care. she needs to know that she can trust you. this is a very delicate subject. as for the right words. i dont think that there are any. dont tell her to just "stop" becuz i am telling you right now it is not that easy. im not sure how much that helps, by the way i think it is really cool that you care enough to ask. luv jen

Re: how can i help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jul 25 01:45:04 2001 (#8997)

Lilly, I commend you for wanting to help your friend. My daughter cuts. I think the biggest and best thing you can do to help is to be there for her and to listen. Don't judge her. She probably already judges herself. It's wonderful that you want to help, but let her come to you first. This is a very emotional subject. Just being there for her is the best thing you can do. If you want to talk more about this, feel free to email me anytime. Love, Rhonda

Re: how can i help
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 25 07:14:19 2001 (#9010)

Lilly; I am an middle aged woman who happens to be a cutter. I am past the dark, miserable days when cutting was on my mind day and night.

Well intentioned people tried to help, but their idea of helping was to tell me to stop. So as you've read prior to this that just doesn't work.

I tell people that cutting does something nothing else does. Part of it is being in control of something in your life. The reasons cutters cuts are so many even I can't name them all.

I cut when I was sad, I cut when I was angry, I cut when I remembered abuse and thought someone deserved to be punished and since I was the only one around I cut myself. I cut myself when I thought I was bad, I cut when I was numb and needed the pain and the blood to show me I was real and that I was alive. If you read the post here it will sadden you. A girl is missing and we fear she took her life. You see we all share a bond, well most of us do.... Then there is Rhonda "Tara's Mom", and there is a woman named Linda who reads the posts and sometimes tries to reach out a loving Christian hand to someone who is hurting. How the two of them do it I don't know. I'm a cutter, I have been to the bottom of the pit. I know the feelings....the pain

And it breaks my heart.

What your friend needs most from you is acceptance of her no matter what she does, no matter what she tells you and no matter how you feel about it inside.

When she is ready to talk....listen, don't make any judgements, just hold her hand at tmes and listen, not just with your ears...listen with your heart.

Write down my email and if you have any questions email me. Love....Dawn

thank you
Posted by lilly on Wed Jul 25 02:12:53 2001 (#8998)

Thank You For responding so quickly. This is a great outlet for misunderstood emotions. I look forward to more dialouge.

Lilly

I am a worthless piece of crap
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 25 02:33:24 2001 (#8999)

That's how I feel. I feel soooooooooo bad because I have been so wrapped up in myself lately and I know there are people on this board who need support right now just as much or more than I do, and I'm sorry I have not been able to say anything comforting to you. The pain that I feel just does not go away, and as long as it's here with me it's all I can think about, and I'm sorry if that makes me self-absorbed or selfish or something. These past few weeks have been (and continue to be) very hard for me. I'm not sure why, there is nothing out of the ordinary happening in my life. The pain has just been stronger for some reason or another, and it's consuming my life. I need to vent a lot and I do that here because it is my place of relief and comfort. I'm sorry for taking up some useless space on the board. It helps me to post my feelings, and it helps to read the responses, to know that I'm not alone in what I feel.

So if you don't mind, I'm going to vent a little more tonight.

Why is it that I feel even more like a worthless piece of crap around my mother? I mean, I feel that way for the most part of my life, but it seems to me that when I'm near my mother those feelings about myself are stronger. And the need to cut is stronger. Today I forgot to take the trash to the curb for trash night and when she got home from work she flipped out on me. And she said she hates coming home from work because of me. And she had brought dinner home (fast food) and she told me to eat it myself and she'd eat later bc she prefers eating alone anyway. Well, so do I bc when I eat alone I don't have to listen to YOU, MOTHER!! She makes me feel like the world's most rotten human being. Or even too rotten to be a human being. I know that I'm her only family and that if she has a bad day and she needs to yell or complain or vent that I'm the one that has to hear it and she takes everything out on me. I know that a lot of the hurtful things she says she doesn't mean. But it still hurts. She is impossible to talk to. She is impossible to get along with. Especially bc I know that she doesn't give a damn about my problems. She has her own problems, and she doesn't need to worry about mine. But still, it hurts to know that she SAW MY RAZOR CUTS and didn't DO anything about it. I don't know, I don't know if I EVEN WANTED her to do something, bc I'm scared of what "help" means, but still, to know that she saw, and just doesn't care...don't you think a normal person would ASK about it? Do SOMETHING? She brings it up ONE time after the initial "I saw you're scratches" comment, but the second time was a one-sentence thing, hopefully you're scratches didn't scar. Yeah, mom, they did, but I won't tell you that. Bc what would you care? And GOD-FORBID I may not be PERFECT or A TYPICAL NORMAL teen!! God-forbid us recognizing a problem bc *gasp* someone might find out I'M NOT PERFECT!!!!! She makes me feel like an utter, complete failure, like a worthless, pointless existence, like a piece of crap.

I'm so sorry this is so long. I give credit to anyone who actually made it this far amongst my rambling and venting.

Re: I am a worthless piece of crap
Posted by lilly on Wed Jul 25 04:36:26 2001 (#9001)

Everyone needs to get it out! Anger is normal. Not expressing your anger is not normal or healthy. so just scream if you have to. It's your sanity, not your moms. don't get me wrong, I'm sure your mother is an ok person but you are the one who has to deal with your emotions everyday and if you don't let them out and "vent" occasionally that's really a problem. Typing a really long message is better than cutting yourself anyday.

Someone who does

CARE!!!!!

Re: I am a worthless piece of crap
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 25 04:47:06 2001 (#9002)

*me*, take as much time as u want to vent...ur not being selfish or ne thing! u need to vent and this is the perfect place to do it no matter what ur thinking, b/c I'm here for u and so r other ppl! I know how u feel about ur mother when she comes home and started complaining...my mom does that too...she calls me and my sibs worthless, ignorant, and stubborn brats etc! it hurts but I just ignore it half the time now! she comes home around 11pm and goes right to the computer to talk to her "friends a.k.a. cyber buddies" and thinks we don't know what she's doing...so I don't really talk to her that much! My mom likes to pretend I don't cut and never brings it up or says ne thing unless she's sees a big cut! I don't talk to my dad at all...the usual conversation w/him is "what do u want from McDonald's?" ...I don't really have home cooked meals at my house...9 out of 10 times (or more) fast food is dinner! we eat in the t.v. room so we don't have to talk...the few times that there is a home cooked meal we still eat in the t.v. room...about 1ce every 6 months we eat in the dinning room all u hear is complaining and yelling (or no one talks at all)! my parents try to ignore my problems I guess cuz I know they have alot of their own too! my parents r in denial that my cutting even exists! o well! if u need to vent keep venting hun...it's for the best, u need it and it's not selfish at all! e-mail me if u want to talk! *hugs* Christine keep posting!

Re: I am a worthless piece of crap
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 26 01:55:08 2001 (#9014)

Hey *me*, You go right ahead and rant and rave all you want. sometimes that helps. Thought I'd let you know you can think of me as your second mom. I'll listen. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

you are important!!
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 07:44:40 2001 (#9057)

know what? I have a mom like that. And my dad is worse. But you know what? some people just don't know what to do! And although she may be going about it wrong, you are not by ranting and raving because you know what? Part of healing is supporting and helping and it gives us a chance too. You are a good person, I have seen it before and I am seeing it now. I will not condone how your mother is dealing with the issues the are coming up right now, but at least she hasn't had you locked up in a looney bin. Excuse the term, but I hate hospitals right now and they are now looney bins. Thats why there are doctors and nurses. Ways to be crazy and save face. But whoa, sidetracked. I am really hyper now, and I know I may not be helping, but please realise the I am trying!!! please take care, and I will try to write later if I am less psychotic... bye!

EX
Posted by Ang on Wed Jul 25 04:20:32 2001 (#9000)

hay everyone i see that most of u are new ppl i used to be a cutter and thjis place was my home my god send...well i have moved on i no longer cut don't get me wrong in the weekest moment it MIGHT cross my mind but not likly ...see all it took was the last time i cut i cut all the way doewn to the fat in my thigh...and i was in a fitting room with my little sister who is 7 and she was like "OH MY SISSY!!!! what happend to ur leg...thats a big owy how di dthat happen?" how do u explain that to ur 7 yr old little sister who thinks u hung the moon...u don't after that thre was no turning back...never again could i cut or would i cut its a battle but we can win it we just need to find the inoccent person in our lives that u would do anything to protect.

Re: EX
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 25 04:52:11 2001 (#9003)

Ang, OMG...I'm happy u stopped cutting...but I wish ur sis didn't find out like that! did u tell her what happened? jw! ur right about the needing someone to protect...but what do u do when u don't have ne 1 like that? jw! take care and e-mail me! *HUGS* Christine

Re: EX
Posted by Ang on Sun Jul 29 23:43:36 2001 (#9116)

hay christine...no my sister never found oput she is only 7 yrs old i still try to protect her from thingsd such as that i know what iu mean hen u say u don't have anybody like that...it may sound silly but u can find one all u need tio do is find some one u REALLY don't want to think anything awful of u ....a few suggestions i havea is beconme a big sister for kids who need mentors, or just think of a friend u love so much u would never want to loose hugs and kisses ang

Re: EX
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Jul 28 17:43:25 2001 (#9091)

I knwo what you mean, I can't understand, but I know what you mean. Good for you. I use to volunteer with kids and they would ask me about my scars or why I wore so many bracelets and what not, I would just smile and play some more, then they'd forget, I hope I get as far as you did, good for you :)

We are a people of great worth
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 25 08:07:50 2001 (#9011)

We may live in an evironment of chaos and where anger runs ramppant...... but we are not our environment. We may walk around with scars that are tender, we may think about cutting 90% of the time, but that is only a reaction to our environment (ok, I've typed that word the last for tonight) but we are not our cutting, or our scars. We are people of worth who find ourselves in deep pain and misery, and we pull that pain and misery and we mark our bodies....but we are not our scars

Each of us on here can see worth in others but cannot see it in ourselves because the clouds of despair blinds us to the truth.

I've been listening to a CD over and over again the last month because my insides, where my pain resides needs to hear it. I wish I could tell you all where to but it, but I don't have the jacket.

I've read how worthless people think they are and I cry as I listen to the words say:

God loves you, and made you for the purpose of knowing you. And the song that follows says he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it you. For you are his treasure and he finds his pleasure in you.

So when worried, distracted, cruel people tell you you are no good. you can say to yourself, if you don't feel the courage to say it to them that what they said is a lie.

My mother told me I didn't have brains god gave a goose, and I'd never make it at anything.

Well I have newpapers with stories in them that I wrote. I have a college newspaper that lists my name with a hundred or more others who completed a term with straight A's, and I have a letter from the phi theta Kappa associations inviting me to joing them. And when the letter came I danced in my mind on my mother's grave and declared her wrong. I do have brains. I may have lost a great deal of them in my breakdown, but I have written proof I'm not stupid.

And you know what (if you are still reading) I have been reading people's posts on here for about a month and there isn't stupid person on here. We are just people having a hard time dealing with the cards of life we've been dealt. But if we hang in there during the floods that would make us surrender, we will come ashore to a different life than we could ever have imagined.

God loves each and everyone of you and so do I.

Dawn......overcoming-1

Re: We are a people of great worth
Posted by Nuni on Wed Jul 25 15:42:09 2001 (#9013)

Hear hear!! Thank you dawn. Love, Nuni

I love my scars
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Thu Jul 26 01:59:04 2001 (#9015)

I love my scars, I think I'm beautiful, maybe that's all it is, just a longing for my own kind of beauty, I don't know, I love my body and I love myself, but sometimes I get so angry, easpecially lately, I don't know what to do. Anyone else love their scars?

Re: I love my scars
Posted by black rose on Thu Jul 26 02:40:39 2001 (#9017)

I love my scars...except when ppl stare at them...then it makes me think 2ce! I don't really love myself or think I'm beautiful though...I love how they show what I cannot say...I love how they remind me that I can be set free, even if it's just for a few moments! I can't really explain how I feel about them! I g2g! *hugs* Christine

Re:I love all aspects of myself,
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 26 05:24:26 2001 (#9018)

The outward scars I wear mean I'm healing. If ppl ask about them I am ready and willing to explain.

I was a burgandy wig, because I absolutely love it. PPl ask about it or give me looks and I defend myself.

I shave my head, yesterday my therapist asked if it was too hot to wear my wig and I replied "yes"

Yes, I know you asked about loving your scars. My point is that hate for myself, for what others have done to me, anger for all the same reason have manifested themselves on my arms, stomach, and one boob. I've grown accustom to them, they are part of the whole person who resides in my skin and makes up "me"

There is a saying among Christian's, "God hates sin, but loves sinners."

Re:I love all aspects of myself,
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Thu Jul 26 08:15:25 2001 (#9021)

I think it took me long time to come to loving myself, I was overwieght and got picked on alot when I was a kid. Now I feel totally comfortable with people looking at my scars, I think it makes me look mysterious and it makes them wonder, but they never came up and asked about them. I like that alot, I like their reactions of disgust or amazement. I know some of you can't possibly understand what I'm saying, that's ok. Personally, I don't believe in God, or anything, (hence the name). I don't like to discuss my faith and I don't want to get into the whole religion thing.

you explained that perfectly....
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 04:31:41 2001 (#9044)

I love my scars. I am proud of them, proud that with my scars it says that I am right, because they cannot be faked or denied once seen. It is a proof that I am in pain, and that it isn't all my fault, even if other people refuse to believe it from me. they say what my words can't. Each cut, each and every one of literally thousands of scars says that I made it through another second, another thought, and another pain that otherwise would have just made me fail. With that they are beautiful.

Re: I love my scars
Posted by ChrisE on Thu Jul 26 13:19:39 2001 (#9023)

I do. Love the feel of them. Very tactile. Mostly love how they look, though that does cause some problems. Not for me, just how people interact with me. Ah well, do I want to know anyone that shallow? I love bleeding as well. And pain, if it's on my terms. That's why this is such a great little hobby.

Re: I love my scars
Posted by Ang on Sun Jul 29 23:48:39 2001 (#9119)

beeing an ex cuter i can say i love each and everyone of my scars for one simmple truth...they show me that i am a strong person and that i can over come a obstical wich frankly i think is tuffewr to kick than drugs...my shrink u sedto say u kno i'll never tell u to quit but think of how u r goinfg to feel hen u look back on ur scars u'll feel dumb but u know what i don't i love them they make me proud to be me some times they make me cry but for the most part i look at them and say thank you ...thank you for reminding me i can go on things will get better and do thank you for being thre for me...and thank u for remaning old scars and notnew ones hugs and kisses ang

"Psych register"
Posted by ChrisE on Thu Jul 26 13:13:34 2001 (#9022)

That's what it says on the letter I have in front of me. I'm supposed to take it to someone at some hospital this afternoon. I don't know what's in the letter, but I could have a pretty good guess. So is this some kind of test? If I open the letter/don't go they section me? He said it was very unlikely that they would commit me. When he said that, unprompted, for the fifth time, I was not pleased. Trying a little bit too hard, Doctor Charters. Moving on. He brought up the subject of self harm. I did not say a word. That means it's on my medical record. How the hell did that happen? When I went to hospital last I gave them a false name and address for exactly that reason. Asked to see my scars. Not gonna happen. Was forced into a discussion about the difference between self harm and suicide. Suspect I might have tried a bit too hard there. Pointed out that "people like me" don't tend to cut if they're trying to kill themselves. He reminded me I'm doing a chemistry PhD, and so have access to many chemicals. I reminded him I don't actually ever go to work any more. We continued in that manner for half an hour, bringing up subjects such as my alcoholism, divorce and past drug use along the way. I was particularly pleased when he said "ah, you were married when you were 17 and divorced when you were 21". Thanks very much for bringing that up. No, I don't want to fucking talk about it. Of course it's an issue, but what the hell are you gonna tell me about it? And who fucking told you? Seriously, how did he know any of that shit about me? I never go to doctors. I don't trust them. I have never told any doctor any of that stuff. And still I have this sealed letter in front of me and an appointment to see someone whose name I can't remember. Have come too far to back out now. He know's that. If I don't go, he'll find out where I live in about 2 minutes. It did not even occur to me that they might try and lock me up. Stupid. Realistically, it's very unlikely. Just he kept on saying it wasn't gonna happen. Given that I told him if he hassles me I'm gone from this town and he never hears from me again, why would he provide me with a letter to determine my fate? There seems to be no sense in that. I have now convinced myself that I will walk away from the hospital this evening. Besides which, I can't not go now. Had to try something, expected more of a pat on the head and a couple of pills. This is a bit proactive for me. Fair enough, he just guessed that alcohol thing cos I turned up drunk from last night. The self harm thing, that was the reason they threw me out of where I lived last, so he might have been told then. That still leaves drugs and divorce. He should not have known about that. It's too fucking wierd. Like he was just waiting for me to come and tell him all this shit he already knew. I know I'm paranoid, but there is no sensible way he could know about that. Fuck this, I'm just going around in circles. Killed some time, though. 4 hours and 19 minutes to go.

Re: "Psych register"
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jul 26 19:22:19 2001 (#9025)

I hope you make the best decision for you. If this guy your shrink is reassuring you again and again that the plan isnt to commit you he may be telling you the truth. Most mental health professionals dont have the motivation to lock people up and institutionalise them unless the person is grave danger. Not minimizing your situation or oversimplifying it. I imagine you arent because you can explain your feelings. You know you SI, and you know that your plain isnt to die. I can relate, I use to cut a lot too. Anyhow, I wish you good things, normal things. As long as I have been cutting I am surprised I am not locked up. .. Take care, and be patient. Hugs, Nuni

Re: "Psych register"
Posted by Tara on Thu Jul 26 21:49:50 2001 (#9029)

hey Chris,

its Tara.how are you handling things?i have wrote you or should i say e-mailed you and you never wrote me back.i was worried about you.are you ok.i did not red your post above,i just wanted to write to you so you would red this.if i e-mailed you would you e-mail me back??????i am doing ok i guess.i have cut again.on my leg.well i better go for now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

cutting words
Posted by divingmermaid on Thu Jul 26 19:23:27 2001 (#9026)

I have recently, for the first time cut a word om myself. My friend tells me this is more addicting than just cutting lines. Do you think that is true?

Re: cutting words
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jul 26 21:33:29 2001 (#9028)

Yes it is. The thing I did find gratifying about it was that I knew when to stop. The thing is I use to just cut on top of cuts until I felt I had enough. With words you limit yourself. Do you see a therapist. I found that the words I chose to cut had a lot to do with what was going within me. Those words mean a lot. Take care. Nuni

Re: cutting words
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 27 07:35:29 2001 (#9055)

I have not cut words. But a shrink, or doctor, or therapist, I can't remember which suggested me writing on my arms instead of cutting but it didn't work.

As Nuni said, the words, either in ink or wounds says a lot about what is going on inside us. The problem is we have and illness and part of it is being human and a natural need to release our feelings and when we find the right release mechanism for us. Our brain grasps on that and every time afterward when the emotional pain arises we turns to what worked before.

If we could be lucky enough to find something non self destructive that would be best. But I am one person who found cutting my release. The sad thing is most of the board has found the same.

Yes it is addicting Welcome to the board. I'm here if you have any other questions. My email address is posted....Dawn....overcoming-1

Re: cutting words
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 07:51:40 2001 (#9058)

I have been told numerous times that words are more addictive and a 'level up' from just lines and slices. In fact because I had words instead of normal cuts when I had to make and ER visit they kept me. Otherwise they would have let me go.

Re: cutting words
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jul 28 16:54:34 2001 (#9087)

I found cutting words MUCH more addictive than lines, but I found I didn't go as deep because it was hard to form neat letters if the skin split too far. So it was better and worse.

And it is harder to explain blame your cat for scars that form a perfect 'DIE FREAK' or 'LOST' or 'LOSER'.

I used to get addicted because I regarded each one like an artwork... something I would intentionally go and marvel at in private... just because it looked so cool.

i am back and still trying to hold on
Posted by Tara on Thu Jul 26 21:59:31 2001 (#9030)

hey guys,

i know that i have not been here in awhile.i guess i am doing ok.i still want to pick up a razor and cut open my flesh and make it bleed so that i won't feel anymore pain inside.i hate this on going battle that i have to fight every day of my pathetic fucking life.thats just the way i see it.sometimes now a days i wish that death would hurry and come and claim my soul.i put my family through pain to.every time i think of cutting and then end up doing it.i hate that feeling.i hate knowing that i cause them pain.that is one main reason i wish death would come and claim me so that i would not put my family through so much pain.yeah they would morn my death but they would get on with there lives and would not have to worry about if i was going to cut that day or not.well i have said enough for now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: i am back and still trying to hold on
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 28 03:36:16 2001 (#9080)

Tara, I hope ur doing good! I want u to take care of urself...ur soOo special!!! I love my *sis*! keep fightin those battles...I know it's hard but u can do it! *hugs* Christine

Re:Tara; We only have to face one battle at a time
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 29 00:20:47 2001 (#9095)

I know that your mother would grieve more than you allow yourself to imagine. I know too that she will wonder if there was anything more she could have done. I'm not trying to but a load of guilt on you. I'm telling you that I tell myself the same lies about my children... they'll get on with their lives, I'd be saving them pain....it all crap.

Living can be crap. and the lies we tell ourselves to convince ourselves we be better off dead is CRAP!

I am older than your mother and I am out of the teenage years where anyone over 25 doesn't understand what its like to live a teenager's life. Or maybe we just forget.

I know an inkling of your story. Only bits and pieces I've found on the board. But as a survivor of rape I know that one rape can play havoc with your mind, spirit, and soul. I know what mental and emotional pain is. And I've learned from mine own that we only have to fight, and survive one battle at a time. I know that when we have been battling mental pain for years it seems that it is all the same battle, but it isn't.

It is really lots of battles, but sometimes one follows another, and another. I know that it is difficult and sometimes it feels it will never get better but I am living proof that it can if we work at it. by working at it I mean looking at what happened, looking at how you interrpret it, and recognizing that you did the best you could.

Enough lecture love and Hugs Dawn

am i really?
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 02:34:17 2001 (#9034)

to ppl ever tell u that ur selffish? i was tolled this a while ago when i lost afriendover cutting she said she couldnt be my friend b/c of it rite when i needed her most she baled out on me and she wrote me a note saying i was selfish and and and i dontknow am i b/c i cut am i selfish? this made me feel so low when i read that " i think u were being really selfish lindsey" thats what she wrote and now its always in my head everytime i cut.

Re: am i really?
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 27 03:47:10 2001 (#9038)

No you're not at all selfish. Anyone who says that does not understand self injury at all. Self injury is our coping mechanism. If you're friend left you bc she couldn't deal with that (even though it IS a hard thing for those who don't SI to understand), then she wasn't really your true friend. You are not selfish at all. Put that out of your head, ok?

Re: am i really?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 27 21:52:44 2001 (#9068)

You are not selfish. This is the way you deal with pain and no one will really understand it if they don't understand cutting. I still don't understand why ya'll do this, but I don't judge anyone over it either.It's not my job to judge anyone, only help; or try to. Since she backed out on your friendship, I'll bet she's scared of it. Don't try to judge her either. Find someone who does understand and wants to help. Maybe she'll come back to you later on in your life. Take care and stay strong. Remember, we're all here to help you through bad times. Love, Rhonda

Re: am i really?
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 28 03:33:32 2001 (#9079)

ur not selfish! ur important and u may need help but ur not selfish! k? *hugs* Christine

go to bed - ok! x
Posted by necrosis & bedtime on Fri Jul 27 03:42:50 2001 (#9036)

every raindrop belongs to a cloud. How many tears before the sun shows me a rainbow?

A gentle breeze caresses the sick lamb, lightning gives the nourishment I need.

All that is lame must perish & all that is fire must have fuel so it shall burn to dust.

Flowers of the future bloom in the ashes of the past

Blood, disease, sickness & despair, how better to appease an indignant soul?

'Life isn't fair' & death is final red rags to a dying bull - white rags to the soldier

Murder me in my element & only then will I not weep

Should it be me to take my soul, I take it to Elvis.

Live in annonymity, the king dances on my grave 'oh hoh!' (like I can do an Elvis impersonation at this time of night in text form! Don't be so bloody demanding!!

completely lost the plot now.Fuck. Crabs & springs & ringy ring rings & etc..rer's ..

love all

xx youll

Re: go to bed - ok! x
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Jul 28 17:39:47 2001 (#9090)

That's beautiful :)

Re: go to bed - ok! x
Posted by Guess on Tue Jul 31 00:16:41 2001 (#9148)

Love your drunken ramblings my personal fuckwit Seriously, I do think its really good, especially your Elvis dance, how sexy... ;-) Love you forever xxxx

a question for everyone.....
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 27 03:43:22 2001 (#9037)

So I'm just wondering where everyone here is from. I'm from Ohio.

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 27 04:28:39 2001 (#9043)

That question was asked about three weeks ago. If you go back a few weeks you will learn where many ppl are. I'm in Salem, Oregon. A mile or two from the state capital building.

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 04:36:48 2001 (#9045)

canada im from ontario! ottawa

ha! I am canadian too!!!!!
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 07:37:56 2001 (#9056)

I am from British Colulmbia though.... but it has been warm for the past few days!!!

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by jen on Fri Jul 27 08:19:34 2001 (#9060)

i am from california

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Jul 27 16:07:00 2001 (#9062)

I am from Hannover, Germany

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by black rose on Fri Jul 27 16:45:15 2001 (#9063)

Methuen, Massachusetts

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by Diana on Fri Jul 27 17:31:15 2001 (#9064)

I'm from New Jersey.

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by apersonunidentifiedwhoyouallusedtoknow on Mon Jul 30 03:43:08 2001 (#9122)

hey diana, where in nj? i am from there too. near summit and morristown. i have been waiting so long for someone to know where.

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by toxicmind on Thu Aug 2 22:28:40 2001 (#9214)

I am also from Massachusetts, west Mass, but I work in Waltham.

What a small world

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 27 21:54:38 2001 (#9069)

Tara and I are from hot and getting hotter Oklahoma.

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sat Jul 28 17:35:36 2001 (#9089)

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

Re: a question for everyone.....
Posted by purpurschwarz on Mon Aug 6 19:42:37 2001 (#9310)

germany

Borderline Personaity Disorder = cutters
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 27 04:02:41 2001 (#9040)

Psychaitrist have a medical book they use to diagnose patients. And most people who self injure have characteristics which a doctor can pull out of a hat so to speak which is no magic trick. If he suspects a BPD diagnoses he can figure out things you DON'T tell him.

Here is a list:

SELF INJURY, ANGER, EMOTIONAL PAIN, SELF HATE can't handle stress, problems with drugs & alcohol, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, bored, , poor memory, unstable relationships, feeling numb, feeling empty, can't trust people, thinking things are "all" good, or "all" bad (no middle ground), implusive, questioning who we are and why we are on this planet, reckless driving, bad PMS, fear of abandonment.

I don't know about you but when I saw these symptoms on the outside of a book....I knew they were talking about me.

You see Bordelines don't have to tell shrinks these problems we have. They can tell us and we can think that somebody told... but no body has to tell them. Its all part of the disorder

The good thing about having a diagnosis is that WE can understand ourselves better, and we can get the help we need.

We, here on this board, are not alone. According to a book I read 7-20 million Americans suffer from this incredibly painful illness we didn't cause, and we are no crazy!

Re: Borderline Personaity Disorder = cutters
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 04:44:23 2001 (#9046)

i dont know if i am , i apply to lots of those above does that mean i am that? and im not crazee are u sure aboout that, i love ur supoort!:D

bpd- I hate it.... no one else understands.....
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 05:22:51 2001 (#9053)

well, I am bpd, and I am not doing well with the diagnosis... I mean, at first I was in denial, and now I am just scared. Everyone knows. ppl i have never met know. but i am still having trouble with it. it isn't fair for so many other ppl to be able to accept it before i can. and that isn't it. i mean, how can I be sick. It was fine when I thought it was just all in my head, the pain, and the actual illness, but now it is on paper and I can't just ignore that anymore. That is real.

Re: Borderline Personaity Disorder = cutters
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Fri Jul 27 11:40:04 2001 (#9061)

i fucking hate that, look, look at my fuckiong anger on this one, fuck fuck fuck ..... ya that's me

Re: Borderline Personaity Disorder = cutters
Posted by First timer on Sat Jul 28 08:31:13 2001 (#9081)

Hey, I don't believe you have the right to diagnose a bunch of people who cut themselves with Borderline personality Disorder.

Re:THIS IS INFORMATION ONLY
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Sun Jul 29 07:31:29 2001 (#9104)

Look folks; I'm no shrink. I only read the cover of a book with symptoms written one at a time around the cover.... and when I read the sypmtoms I knew it was me. The more I read of the book the clearer I was that I have a namable illness....aside of depression.

Then I scheduled an appointment with my shrink and low and behold the diagnosis had been written in my file a year or two earlier.

I am the first to admit I don't know any of you and most of what you share is the urges to cut and when I last cut, and how it feels, and what seeing the blood means to you.....and you know what that's how I feel too, or have.....and I am still alive to tell you that you are not crazy.....you are not alone. There is a real illness that drives ppl to whatever sourse they use to harm themselves....

Fellow cutters I want to help you . Plez read
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 27 04:20:34 2001 (#9042)

I care so much about all of you, those who self harm, those who think suicidal thoughts, and those who read and care you are our supporters. I want everyone to read about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Even though I have read a book called "Life At The Border" and I understand I have an illness that screws up how I think and feel I still sometimes cut. I'm much better. But two, maybe three things can provoke me to cut. the first is not enough rest, too much stress, and memories and flashback-and talking about my past.....ok so I guess there's four.

But if I do my best to not put myself in stressful situations, and I avoid violence on tv. I do pretty well. So can you.

I don't think very many of you read my posts anymore. But I hope you read the one about BPD I love all of you...Dawn

Re: Fellow cutters I want to help you . Plez read
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 05:10:04 2001 (#9050)

i read ur posts i love readign ur posts! somtimesi dont repose b/c im scared to to some ppls well to any but thats just me, i dont like to talk and it takes alot from to to even share my feelingfs with anyone it tooke 2 months for me to say one word to my therpist 2 MONTHS i just sat there and shook my head at her queations.

Re: Fellow cutters I want to help you . Plez read
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 27 05:28:26 2001 (#9054)

I read your posts quite often, more than I read some peoples. I mean, I am not online too often, so I kind of pick and choose.

I guess for me it is the fact that my triggers can be anything, some things will do it one day, and not the next. It is fucked up. Everything can be triggering. And yet I can't avoid them because if I am going to be triggered, it doesn't matter by what but it will trigger me.

anyways, I appreciate your bpd posts, it is nice to have your support and help. Please take my best wishes... take care, lyssie

Re: Fellow cutters I want to help you . Plez read
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 27 19:35:55 2001 (#9065)

Dawn...I read your posts, and I care about you, too. I don't always reply to everyone bc the right words don't come. But I do read the posts.

I didn't reply to the BPD post bc I don't know if that's what I am. I fit a lot of the symptoms, but a lot of them DON'T fit me. But who knows?

Thank you for caring. - Lots of love -

Re: Fellow cutters I want to help you . Plez read
Posted by divingmermaid on Fri Jul 27 21:13:28 2001 (#9067)

Thank you for wanting to help me. Thank you for the information. I started seeing a therapist just recently, I wonder whether he will put me into the BPD drawer. I somehow do not think I am but I do not know really, I am a bit scared about it too I suppose. I started cutting at 13 and I am 34 now and it seems to get worse, still I thing I have got it mild in comparison to others. Sometimes I think it is just so I can feel sorry for myself but I sometimes do not seem to have a choice but to cut.

just do it already
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 05:01:41 2001 (#9049)

uknow sometimes...i thinka botu killing my self...well all the time, i dont know if i would go throught with it but one day i mite, and i always wonder what would ppl think would they say oh whatever killing ur self is dumb its so final ( thats the point) or would they all cry over me or what would they do would my parents tell ppl (my school) and i always think abotu how and where and stuff like that but then i was walkignhome one nite itwas late and it was dark and i was walkign past my cosuin gurlfriends house she lives on my road and i saw her run onto her lawn so i called her name "laura" she ran over to me and gave me a hug.

and then kara a friend of hers came over (i hang out with themsometimes) she was tellign abotu how she packed up her stuff and was going to runaway.

then she said if i was going to do it she wouldnt have thought about it she would have just gotten up and left her house. and that made me think if i was going to killmy self was i going to think it through would i cry for help rite before i did it (call a friend etc..) or would i do jsut rite up kill my self like kara said just killmy self not thinka bout it and all that stuff.

Re: just do it already
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Fri Jul 27 08:06:02 2001 (#9059)

Sometime when I thought of killing myself I thought that I was a coward, that I couldn't actually "do it".

It was on my mind day and night. I don't have a car so I walk a lot and the town I have has creeks here and there and a river. I couldn't walk across any of them without thinking about jumping off.

My thearapists office had somewhat of a park by the bus stop and instead of waiting for the bus I would walk on the sidewalk that was actually next to a guard rail of the highway. I thought of walking out in front of cars, or trucks, anything.....But then I thought of the people who would hit me. I couldn't let them bear that horror for the rest of their lives.

I could go on and on telling about how my thinking was for years....before I got better.

That is the thing...we are in emotional pain and turmoil NOW and we can't see anything beyond it. And it gets harder and harder to keep dealing with the pain.....but look at me. I'm still here.

One of my therapists told me, and all the others in our adults molested as chilren's group that the pain, the memories may never go away, but that therapy turns down the volume.... like on a radio. And to be honest turning down the volume was not what I wanted. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted the memories to go away. I wanted the world to stop spinning and I wanted off...out. I couldn't take it another minute........but I'm still here and the volume of the pain is not as strong.

I won't say I never overdosed and wanted to die, came damn close one time too and had to be taken by an helicopter to a trauma center. and I wasn't even coherent enough to enjoy the ride. I puke charcoal on the flight nurse and fought against the oxgyen masks they put on my face.

I have so many triggers I should not be breathing, everything is a trigger. But I can't hide inside my apartment for the rest of my life.

I guess my point to all this is if you're going to "just do it" make the it "survive" Don't give up. It gets better if you don't give up.

Re: just do it already
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 28 03:29:53 2001 (#9078)

running away is very different from killing urself...but if u were to kill urself or try think it thru...think about all the good things(although that's the hardest part)! I hope u never find out if ppl would miss u when u die cuz I already know for a fact that they would and soo would I! they wouldn't just be like "o she's dead it's happy time now"...they'd probly be depressed as hell to know that ur gone and never coming back! it's stressful to loose someone u love and I know they love u...but just incase they ever don't (which is like impossible) I'll be here for u! *hugs* Christine

Re: just do it already
Posted by buffpuff on Sat Aug 4 07:17:33 2001 (#9257)

well... I'm thinking about just up and killing myself. the big black move; hopefully no heaven or god or hell or purgatory to get in the way. just nothing. and i won't even know i'm there.