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Threads 2151 to 2200

In memory of Elise Alexandria Lewis
Posted by Linda on Sat Jul 14 05:25:19 2001 (#8642)

I know this is a complete turn from what is usually posted but I just wanted someone to share in reading this. These people are friends of ours. In fact, we have known the father to this child since he was a teen. I am so proud of them and the way they are handling the loss of their first child. This will make you look at death and life and loss in a whole new way. http://boards.parentsplace.com /messages/get/ppjul01n208/18.h tml

Re: In memory of Elise Alexandria Lewis
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 14 14:47:40 2001 (#8661)

Hello Linda, I havent recieceved a message from you lately..Im glad your alright, thanks for sharing that with us. =) -love-

God showed me the answer
Posted by Dawn....struggling to overcome on Sat Jul 14 06:25:55 2001 (#8644)

I want all of you to know and understand I am just as messed up as you. I cut myself this evening and I want to cut more. I want to try everything I've heard on the board But it won't work for me.

You see I am a child of God. I am a treasure to Him. Why.... I can't understand. But you know something... He treasure you too. He is no respector of persons. The Lord sees us all the same..... lost and in need of being found.

In my poorer days every penny counted. One particular day I dropped a bright shiney, copper penny. I looked high and low for it. I left no stone unturned as they say. I really searched for this one penny for a couple of hours before I found it.

When I found it I was excited, buy in the middle of my excitement I heard a voice within me say,"That is how I searched for you." I knew it was the voice of God. I picked up the penny and taped it in my Bible where it stayed for years until I was going to give the Bible to someone who had none, because by then I had several. But I will never forget the penny or the message that am so valuable to God that he searched for me.

Ok, maybe you didn't get that, maybe it was meant for only one person, and just maybe I was that person.

If any of you have a Bible you can find my decision in the first chapter of 2 Corinthians. If you don't have a Bible I will tell what the jist is. It is that God comforts us in our affliction so that we can comfort others who also have the same affliction.

I am a cutter.... any cutters here?

I won't be saying goodbye. God wants to teach me to love..... not necessarily you..... but most of all myself, and to forgive myself...and to come to the place where I don't cut anymore.

I used to think I hated the way everybody treated me, especially my kids' day. but look at me. I'm doing this to me.....I would not put up with this kind of treatment from a living soul. So why am I making an exception with myself

If you have the answer to that question please, oh please tell me, so I stop this madness

Re: God showed me the answer
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 14 14:51:11 2001 (#8662)

Dawn, Im sorry I dont have the answer to this...I am a cutter..unfortunatly also. Ive gotten through some tough times, some by strenght other it seems by miracle and by the grace of god I am still breathing today. Thank you for posting that..it means alot., take care. =) -love-

please get better
Posted by Dharma Wild on Sat Jul 14 08:27:44 2001 (#8647)

this is not healthy. I am a former cutter, and I am very happy I stopped. Im scarred for life now and people see me on the street and make judgements at me, they laugh at me and point. little kits want to know what happened to me, and I just want to let you know that when you do get better, your going to be ashamed of these scars, your not going to want them on the internet. and looking at this shit isn't helping you. reading how to be bulimic, how to hurt yourself, this is shit dont do it. get away from this filth and get back to life, get better. little children are reading this and thinking its okay, and you know what? its not okay. you need to take care of yourself, and this is not the way. and I know its hard and no one wants to do it, but you have to. trust me, I know, I know how good it feels when you cut, but you know what else feels good? helping people, art, dancing, being with freinds, so many things. you can email me, Im here to help, I dont care if I dont know you, you can talk to me, Ill be your freind, just put the razor down.

Re: please get better
Posted by an old friend on Sat Jul 14 08:59:15 2001 (#8648)

i very rarely come here anymore. and i thank you for your voice of reason, it took me a long time to discover that, and even though i havent beat it yet, i already am disgusted and ashamed of what i have done. this board is a stepping stone. it bring everything out there for people. it puts it all on the surface. and when you allow that to happen, you have no choice but to actually deal with things. you are no longer able to cut away the pain. and then you see that this board has done that for you and its time for you to go and move on with life. and then when you step away for a while you are able to see how not right it is. how it doesnt accomplish anything in the long run. And then you can come to check on old friends. and observe their progress, and maybe once in a while offer a wise word. it truly disgusts me that cutting is becoming a "trend" -- truly makes me ashamed of being part of the human race. for me i was all alone, never knew what they called it, what i was doing, what i was feeling. this board helped me see the shit and gave me the motivation to move past it and live life. i think this board can be helpful if there were more like Linda and Tara's Mom. They take the perspective of a non-cutter and are loving and caring and helpful....Take Care All....I just wanted to respond to this post becuase i agree with what it is saying although i was slightly offended by the coarse tone.

Re: please get better
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sat Jul 14 09:06:42 2001 (#8649)

You are 100% right, this is not a healthy enviornment. It shows how ugly humankind truly is. In this prosperous and peaceful era, the youth of today needs any excuse to blow slight problems into life disasters. The world has become to utopian for us. Humans thrive on conflict and pain. Happiness is an ideal that will never truly be reached within this lifetime. So get off your pathetic butts, sort out what trivial things bother you and see the bigger picture. Stop wallowing in your own misery and do something to earn bliss for eternity. Get better, be a productive part of the human race. Dependency on evil is a direct result of laziness mixed with boredom. Take this advice...once you move past your laziness, and do something, your life will take a new direction. The hardest part of moving on and starting something new, is convincing yourself that it is time to change. Read the Book "Who Moved my Cheese?" We must survive, we must observe the present, calculate for the future, prepare for change, and accept transition smoothly.

Re: please get better
Posted by girl on Sat Jul 14 14:36:37 2001 (#8659)

fuck u voice of reason i rarely insult peole but then i rarly feel so insulted by a post if u dont like it dont come here and let it help the people that it does help

Re: please get better
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 03:37:35 2001 (#8676)

how many of you are actually being helped by this board? Tara maybe, but she does not come that often. If you have noticed, those who have beat SI who have been a part of this board and believed in it have alll found their time to say good-bye and to get on with their lives. It helps you see the truth, I know you may not be ready for the truth....but do not think that this is helping you. When someone truly decides to quit smoking, do they go in sit in a room full of smokers and talk about how hard it is to quit?

Read this. Im not kidding!!
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 14 14:59:09 2001 (#8663)

People, People..lets stop and think now..what works for one person doesnt neccessarily work for another. We are all different, lead different lives Im sure!! By the Grace of god we are all still living and breathing, coping is hard..with others to help you cope its much much! easier. If not this board then a friend, your parents, a teacher, someone!! I have no one. Believe me or not, that is your choice..I have simply no one but myself to confide in, so I turn to this board..sometimes for answers, sometimes to share my strength with others sometimes to lend a helping hand and sometimes when Ive gone off the deep end. Some of us realize that we can handle our addictions and disroder to cutting, and some of us know how to do it. But others are stuck..ohh they are soo stuck and helples..and I truly believe every word they put on here. If you are being influenced negativly by this board then by all means find a better one or simply be selective in the posts you read..after all you dont have to read every single one..although I chooce to and that is my choice, most of the time that is. Please..be safe and happy. take care everyone. =) -love- and e-mail me!

Re: thanks for making me feel like shit
Posted by emm on Sat Jul 14 19:14:45 2001 (#8666)

arter reading that post from 'the voice of reason' i went upstairs and crawled ito a corner. how can you be so heartless.

im certainly not lazy thankyou very much. i feel realy awful now and like complete shit. do you know what. fuck you. how dare you come and post here and slag us off like that.

you have no right to say things like that. and girls right, if you dont like it dont come back!!!!

emma

for the voice of reason
Posted by jen on Sat Jul 14 19:57:01 2001 (#8667)

you have no right coming to this board insulting the people who come here. did you ever think that maybe this was our first step in trying to get help. maybe some of us werent as lucky as you to have someone help them through their hard times and to be happy with them in there good times. do u think by insulting us you are someway helping us. it is people like you that make it harder. did you stop and think that the things you said are exactly what we try and avoid. dont you think that we think enough shit about ourselves without you calling us lazy and pathetic!!

Re: for the voice of reason
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 03:57:12 2001 (#8679)

i, myself, am lazy and pathetic. I would rather just accept and live with my problems than have to suffer the even more painful truth...You will someday see I am helping you. I used to post here. I used to see the world through the red glasses you wear...and then someone on this board insulted me, and kicked me into action. they showed me the truth and it took me a long time to accept it, but i did...nobody was there to help me through the shit except me. I am the only person I can rely on. Me.

This is your first step on the road to help. I know that. I just want you to see that it is just that a FIRST step...once you have taken it, you need to move on. I am the voice that you are trying to avoid. I have become the voice that I, myself, tried to avoid most of my life. but, you cannot avoid the world and live a fulfilling life. See, that the world is hard and is not comforting and there are bitches out there. And I know how muchsome of you do not like youselves in your heads, but dont just sit there and not like yourself, figure out why you dont like yourself and then figure out how to like yourself enough to let my voice hurt you.

Re: for the voice of reason
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 17 05:26:45 2001 (#8773)

I am sorry to say, but the way you wrote the first responce, it sounded like a sarcastic remark or an attempt to be funny. I now know that it was in fact just your bloated egotistical head getting in the way of your typing. Now, if at any point soon you want to face the reality of the lives that each and everyone one of us face differently (including you), you can come back and either accept us and our only way of coping presently, or you can leave. It really is as simple as that. Until then, please pleasure yourself by sucking a dirty goats inflated scrotum.

take care, lyssie

Re: for the voice of reason
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 03:57:33 2001 (#8680)

Re: thanks for making me feel like shit
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 03:49:41 2001 (#8678)

Thank you emm....I meant to make you feel like shit. I meant to put you on the defensive. That is partly what this board is about. Why did my words make you so upset? they hurt, they sting. If they were untrue to you then why did they upset you? please hon. please see what i am trying to do for you. please see that behind my harsh words i care and i KNOW. but do you really want to spend your whole life sitting in corners? I doubt it. So, instead, take my voice and be critical of yourself. You may think you understand, but do not let yourself be fooled by delusions simply becuase they are easier than reality.

Re: Read this. Im not kidding!!
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 03:44:59 2001 (#8677)

yes, there are those on this board. the voices of those who care and have moved on in life and come back once in a while to check up on everyone. and there are those who want to help you improve, i am one of them. please see that the truth is not friendly. that getting better is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. its not going to be pleasent. those who understand can support but do not confuse those who can support with those who can help. the more they understand, the more they are confused within their own minds and do not have the power to see clearly through the confusion of your thoughts and help you sort it all out. coming here is a step in recovery, but it does not last forever.

Re: please get better
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 14 21:14:26 2001 (#8671)

Who are you? Do you Cut? If not, why are you here? If you do, you don't need to inflict any more pain on these kids who post here. Many of them are not lazy, they go to school, to work and they still suffer! What gives you the right to declare that they should just pick up and straighten their lives out? They are in the process of trying to do that. How dare you say they don't! I don't cut, but my daughter has for 4 years now and she is a work in progress trying to help herself. This is something you can't just STOP! It doesn't work that way. If you don't cut, I think you should start reading about SIing. Your post made me a little mad because I know these kids are trying their damnest to carry on in a world filled with pain I cannot even imagin. It just bothers me to see someone come on this board and basically tell them to "snap out of it, it's not that bad"! I ranted enough. To everyone, take care. Love , Rhonda

Re: please get better
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 04:16:18 2001 (#8681)

my dear friend...you do not recognize me! if only you knew. i know they are not lazy in their actions, most of them are over-achievers. I am a cutter. I am fighting. Tara is fighting. I know how strong she is. She went for so long, I was so proud. And I am still proud becuase she knows that she has power to improve her life. She knows it. Many here do not know it. They see no way out, I didnt see any way out either. I am not trying to inflict pain of my friends here. I just want them to see that there is no way to just snap out of it and there is no magic cure. It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of self-analysis and critical thinking. Tara is a wonderful example of how you can take control of your thought and you can push yourself to improve. The thing is, it IS that bad, that is what i am trying to say. The world is not a kind place. Cutting is not something that just stops, i do know. I still relapse. But no matter how much it has helped you to survive...there are more productive streams of thought. They are trying very hard to survive in a world of pain. I am too. But they are survivors. They will put their lives in order, and they will be stronger in the long run for it. They are in a world of pain and there is no way to fix that. They must find within themselves the courage to kick the world in the ass and help themselves. You have the right to be selfish. Its a long hard thought process. Figure out why you think what you think. Figure out why I make you upset. Figure out why you feel comfot on this board. Perhaps because it allows you not to have to trust only in yourself to become stronger. Because it makes you feel as if what you do is justified. why do you not like yourself. I know you have heard all these questions before and think they are stupid. but really figure it out. every human is entitled to be as selfish as they want. all you have in this world is yourself and protect that with all you can. put yourself in front of everyone else. live for you. and decide how it is you want to live and then work to achieve that goal. Be strong enough to hurt those who have hurt you rather than hurting yourself. please remember that you are your only responsibility in this life. you live for you. take the world by storm. I know its always gonna be hard and wont always be pleasent, but hey, its gotta be better to try than to give up.

Re: please get better
Posted by sara on Mon Jul 16 01:43:26 2001 (#8720)

wow, i don't think that i could have said it any better...i know that i am an overachiever and yes, i think that i am bad. i don't know if i really think that this is very bad, maybe thier is a better way to handle it but i guess somethings just have to happen. anyway, i think that i know who you are (i've been here awhile, mostly read, sometimes post when i think i have something worthwhile to say, nothing really worthwhile now, but anyway). email me..fluteme@myownemail.com

sara

Voice of Reason...
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 17 04:13:54 2001 (#8768)

I have read and considered all that you have had to say. I must say that my initial response was one of indignation. (How dare you come here and say such things? Who do you think you are? That sort of thing.) I have since moved on from that initial out burst. Now I merely feel pity for you. I recognize the cowardice with which you speak. You, my poor delluded friend, preach about not giving up and finding a healthy way when, in fact, you are still truly sick. You hide behind isolation and independence when really you are pushing people away because you seem to recognize how truly selfish and flawed you really are. It's sad the way you seem to have given up on the human race, encouraging the youth of this board to realize that there is no one there for them, that they're all alone and have to take care of themselves because no one else will. I feel so sorry for you. What a pitiful and pathetic existance you must have. You poor, misguided puppet. So no, I have no anger towards you, nor am I upset by what you have said. I just really pity you. May God forgive you and help you.

The voice of reason is way off the mark
Posted by Dawn....Overcoming-1 on Sat Jul 14 10:16:24 2001 (#8650)

I could swear the voice was that of my son's. I agree we need to get better and stop cutting, but everyone needs an outlet. Some smoke like a factory and litter our world, and see nothing wrong with it. What they are doing to their insides just isn't seen like our scars.

I heard so much anger in the voice of reason. What was up with that. Where was the compassion. We may be cutters, or use other things to harm ourselves, but we deserve compassion.

This board, I supposed, was a place of safety, a place we could come to and speak of our suffering, our struggles, and get support. Not rebuke.

Many on here never let their secret out of the closet before coming here. And like all recovery work, admitting a problem is the first step in resolving it.

I am thankful for the courageous souls who come on this board and share their struggles and their triumphs with me, because for every slip I make someone who was in misery, pulls his or her self up out of the mire to give me a word of encouragement. I find it amazing.

And this I know to be true. Every day is a new day. And by some miracle I am not the same as I was yesterday. And I will be at another place tomorrow. As we empty out our sadness, grief, and anger there is more room for good things like, laughter, love, and peace.

This board offers me a place to do that, so I'm not about to let an angry voice drive me away, I hope nobody else does either. Stay safe....... hugs

Re: The voice of reason is way off the mark
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 14 15:02:27 2001 (#8664)

dawn, thank you for that post.its almost like my posts called Read this, Im not kidding. =) take care sweetie.

Re: The voice of reason is way off the mark
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 04:31:52 2001 (#8683)

First, I am not your son, but rather your friend from this very board. And I agree that smoking is just as harmful if not more so than cutting. I am angry, I am angry that I do not have compassion and that I have only me to lean back on. Compassion is not an entitlement. It is not your right. It is a luxury you must find within yourself. I agree this board can provide support, but it cannot provide help. There is a distinct difference between the two. Do not think that support can help. It helps your spirit so that you can find real help. It does not give you answers. I agree that those who come here who have not sought outside help are taking the first step in actually improving themself, but I also want them to see that if they come here for help, they are not going to find what they are searching for. Come here for a friend. Go to yourself, your therapist for help. I am one who is trying to pull myself out of the muck, and I admit that it is often comforting to know you have a place where "mistakes" are tolerated. But it is not always the most helpful when you are working towards a goal of a cut-free life. If it becomes an accepted behavoir then those who it has not become a way of life will not see any evil in it. Remeber at the core of it, you are destroying your own body. Maybe not in a harful way, but why put the extra stress on yourself to have to heal physically while trying to heal emotionally? And, I just want to add that I have a right to rant here too. I dont like myself for what I have done and I do not like others for what they have done to me, but I do have free will. I am not trying to drive you away. This is my voice of the day. I am mad that there is a place where I can feel accepted for the things that I hate the most about myself. Let us battle SI. Slips will happen, but they are not ok. They are weakness. We need to be stronger and support can make us stronger, but saftey can weaken us. It puts us in a position for all the enemies to get the better of us.

Re: The voice of reason is way off the mark
Posted by Linda on Sun Jul 15 06:11:13 2001 (#8688)

I sure wish you would email me. I would love to discuss something with you personally if you don't mind. Thanks.

Re: The voice of reason is way off the mark
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 08:59:55 2001 (#8691)

You know who I am, this is just another SIDE of my thoughts. When I am me, I am not paticularly proud of this PART of me.

Drunk
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jul 14 10:28:20 2001 (#8652)

I knew my parents were going away last week, and I really wanted to exploit my privacy. For a whole week I have been fantasizing of taking a hammer and breaking my ribs... why??? I don't know. So now I have just finished a bottle of wine... and I am barely typing. I just spent the last hour pounding at my chest with a mallet... and they still wont crack. I haven't cut myself for nearly a month... I decided self injury wasn't that useful for me so why am I so frustrated that I don't have the guts to succeed in breaking my ribs? I'm gonna go and keep trying...

Laters, Maggie.

Re: Drunk
Posted by girl on Sat Jul 14 14:31:03 2001 (#8658)

please stop please dont do this it makes me cry please there is too many bruises inside

Re: Drunk
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 14 15:06:08 2001 (#8665)

Maggie darling..PLEASE STOP THIS NOW! you might end up doing something you will totally regret..no you will end doing something. Please calm and stop by all means! Maybe that was the wine talking but I hope you are feeling better and not trying to brake your ribs. try writting the feelings out no matter how horrible they are then scream them out loud! and tell them to go the fuck away. and stay away from the wine, liquor will make you do some crazy shit..believe me. =) im glad you havent cut in three months I think by posting here you are crying for help..Im here to help, you dont have to hurt yourself..talk with us!! please! or e-mail me. -love- =)

Re: Drunk
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 14 21:21:06 2001 (#8672)

Maggie, Please don't do this! I've had a broken rib before and the pain was bad. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I would rather have a baby than to go through a broken rib again. I'm serious. Just calm down and take some deep breaths. Remember everyone here is here for you. Get on the board and just talk to us. We'll talk back. You have so much support here. Broken ribs can cause serious medical problems if you aren't careful. Please reconsider Maggie. We all love you. Stay strong and take care, Rhonda

2 ThE VoiCE of ReAson..ReaD thiS
Posted by Diana on Sat Jul 14 20:05:45 2001 (#8668)

yo i don't know who the hell you are and basically i don't give a shit. You don't know anything about any "person" on this board, and you don't even try to learn about us. If you did, you wouldn't be saying that we are doing this to be lazy. Dude.. maybe you feel that your life is perfect and you don't feel the need to cut, but we do. You don't know anything about what we have all been through. And you said that "the youth of today needs an excuse".. well half of the people on this board are grown up. Don't talk like that to any of us. If you don't understand us and don't try to, then get the hell out of this discussion board, because we understand each other and we are not "ugly humankind". And for you information, we are all productive people of the human race. We are all humans. And you are not helping to make us feel any better about ourselves by saying that bullshit.

Re: 2 ThE VoiCE of ReAson..ReaD thiS
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 03:32:26 2001 (#8675)

I have been at this board for a whole lot longer than you. Yes, I even remeber when you were new. I understand so much better than you think. And this is not direceted at all of you, It is directed at me too. I see my flaws. They are not easy to fix. And my harsh words, like Alana once said are only upsetting to you because they ring true. I am trying to help you see that sitting here wallowing in your own self-pity is not going to make you feel any better either, you are here for understanding. I was too...you will see someday, that when you really want to feel better about yourself, you will move on and find understanding and compassion with others who can help improve your life. Dont just sit here and relive your problems. I know people here understand those problems. I do too and I know how hard they are. But you have to make a concious choice to push yourself to find the reasons behind everything and search for your own self-motivation. If my words upset you, ask yourself, if they are really untrue then they should not bother you. And if they are the truth, why does the truth upset you? Are you living in a world of denial and are you stuck in a world of your own shit?

(((((The Board)))))))
Posted by Linda on Sat Jul 14 20:23:22 2001 (#8669)

Awwwwww kids!! Don't let "The Voice of Reason" upset you!! That person was only saying things that might work to motivate them. You see, some personalities accept a challenge and fight back when someone says things like that but after years of dealing with a husband who has the sensitive personality, I know that those words are the kinds of things that the most of you would take to heart and use to affirm what you already think of yourself. Please forget it!! I think the problem is that you all see much deeper and are more sensitive to the things that are fragile. VOR(voice of reason) evidently sees everything as black or white with no gray in between. I do NOT condone what you all do and I most certainly do NOT think it is the best thing for you. I think it is very detrimental to your physical and emotional health BUT I have come to understand that you are in the process of dealing with problems and you need help seeing the "hope" ahead of you. To that end I remain on this board. Please just take my hand and let me lead you to the light!Love to all....and by the way, I am here even when I don't post and welcome any email.

Re: (((((The Board)))))))
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 04:37:23 2001 (#8684)

Oh Linda, if only you knew who I was. i was trying to motivate. That was my aim. You see. i live in the gray. but to survive this world, you have to be a fighter, be a survivor. You can hate me, its alright with me. But please turn to yourself and see why I have gotten under your skin. Question everything, and eventually you will find answers.

Re: (((((The Board)))))))
Posted by Linda on Sun Jul 15 06:05:32 2001 (#8687)

Yes, I wish I did know who you were. You did not get under my skin. In fact, I believe quite a bit of what you have said is very legitimate and needs to be said BUT it was just a little too much too soon for some. Yes, I do believe that if they ever conquer their problems they will have to face themselves. When I first came on here, I was met with disdain when I told the truth. It hurt and I did face myself...afterall why was I here in the first place. I was here to get an education and an education I have gotten. It has been quite a learning experience. In the process of my facing myself with why the words of condemnation hurt me, I had to get busy and shore up my beliefs and practice my faith a bit more. I have grown by being here. I have learned to love these people and I want nothing more than to be able to help them. In doing that, I have become a lot like a mother to try and shield them from hurt even though I know that they MUST hurt to get past it all. You most certainly have put us all thinking to say the least!

Re: (((((The Board)))))))
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 08:57:54 2001 (#8690)

I have seen you grow. You speak the truth when people do not want to hear it. You do not fall down when people say mean words to you. You let them, you show them you are always going to be there for them. I do admit not everything I said has been justifiable, but the truth stands. I want them to see that with facing their pain they can live a wonderful life. Be mad at me, but please, think about why I make you so mad. I will be here to help you. Cutting is not ok. It is acceptable here, but when I see posts like "how do I cut deeper?" and "how do I get an eating disorder?" it makes me so angry. Why would you crave these hardships? Why force them upon yourself? Why not instead spend that energy deciding one small way to help yourself. Like instead of trying to make yourself anorexic, why not figure out why you want to have that DISEASE and then work from there. Are you punishing yourself? Are you upset with your image? if yuo are punishing yourself, why? Why not figure out why you feel that way and then use that to work through anger, sadness, and all other emotion so you can get to the point where you focus on improvement instead of destruction? Despite all the horrid things disscussed on this board, it is a shielded place for the most part. There have been voices of reality, of society in the past, but mostly it has been a place to show you are in pain. Show how your inside scars justify your outside scars and vice versa. The world is a hostile place. If you are not strong enough to get angry at words on a screen rather that at yourself then you must see that you need to let me hurt you. It will help you get stronger. What doesnt kill you can only make you stronger. I am a voice on a screen. Take it out on me, its ok. Dont hurt yourself because I am hurting you. Then figure out why I hurt you. And then maybe those that hurt you in real life, you can handle without destroying yourself.

Re: (((((The Board)))))))
Posted by Linda on Sun Jul 15 14:28:50 2001 (#8696)

Whoever you are, you have a lot of wisdom in some areas. My only confrontation with you is that you are making this "safe place" a place of contention and strife. Because of that, I sense that you are doing the work of someone much higher than yourself. You see, if you cut off this safe place, then others would find no reason to come here and our voice could be closed. Please consider that.

>
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 15 00:00:26 2001 (#8674)

Last night I posted, then went back to the index and scrolled down and found the voice of reason's post, and I was angry with the post and afraid for all of you, of us. Something inside me is hurting, not for myself but for you. somebody who identified him/her self in so grandeose hauty capital letters, has said things to people I care about....

I did not answer in the thread last night because I wanted my voice heard.... Did anyone read it?

I've never shared this before....I guess because it hurts so much to admit.... but my son rarely communicates with me. I was sending him e-cards around Easter and he emailed me in the same tone as the voice of "unreason" and I haven't heard from him since.

Last night I kept my temper in check. I wanted to erase the message before any of you saw it. I wanted to use the language Kat did. I wanted to protect emm, and eveyone else. But I held back. I wanted to protect my Christian witness. But you know what. I'm not perfect. There are times when I say fuck off, because prissy comebacks are just too soft. Do you know what I mean.

Thank you Linda and Tara's Mom for being here to support us even though you know that what we are doing to ourselves is... what was the word... oh, yeah "detrimental"

I am a cutter, I've taken long breaks from cutting and find it hard to do the job right these days, but I know this... given the right mind set I can do it right if I choose.

but what many ppl don't get is that self harm is actually self preservaion at times.

There are times, for me anyway, when out of the blue the bottom drops and I think of taking a lot of pills, cutting my chest, and jumping from a bridge or from the balcony of a tall building...... but instead I come home and cut a little..... not a lot. Just enough to pacify the feelings of suicide. And then is over. And I can look at life and know I can make it a while longer. And maybe by then the bad thoughts and feelings will go away for good.

I know I've been in a bad place for awhile...but even in that bad place its not as bad as it used to be. I can be delighted, with my dog Trixy, I play games with her: throwing one of her toys and faking it and laughing when she's doesn't fall for it, then when she gets it I chase her around the apt, till one of us tires out. Its great to laugh and play, and not think that I'm dirty, spoiled, defiled, and just plain ugly.

She loves me, Paul loves me, every day. I know both happiness and pain. And I know peace with God. I've got it good.

But I still need this board and the people on it (except for ppl who come on here and bring pain to those I love)

I hope none of you let what was said hinder you from posting, or sharing your struggles. I care so much. You are why I'm here. Hugs..

Re: >
Posted by the voice of reason on Sun Jul 15 04:44:37 2001 (#8685)

i know cutting is self-preservation. That is the only truth about it that i believe, and it works. but life can be better. and i know its really hard and seems impossible, but you can find a better way to survive. i've heard the stupid suggestions. they dont work. there is nothing to give the equivilent to the feeling of cutting, but you CAN survive without it. Instead of cutting, be angry at me. Yell at me for not being able to fix it and not letting you take the easy way out.

Re: >
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 15:48:20 2001 (#8699)

One more thing, Dawn. You, yourself, a few days ago were questioning if you reallyy wanted to stay here. There was doubt in you mind that it was helping you. In fact there was a flicker that maybe it was actually working more harm than good. Do not come here just to feel wanted to have people tell you that they need you and they want you to stick around, becuase in the end it is not true caring. It comes from a selfish desire to be told that you are good and everything is ok. Well, everything is NOT ok. you know that. I am not here to hurt you, and I am not here to make things pleasent. You know how unpleasent they really are. You know all the shit that is out in the world. M voice is nothing compared to that. is it all right for you to question the helpfullness of thos board, but to actually have someone else do it makes it actually a real thought, not just an attention grabber. please dont let this hurt you. i know how much older and wiser you are than me. but i have learned from those who were younger than me. dont just sit here telling each other you are all good people and what you do is ok. tell each other that yeah, you have the potential to be great, and your soul is untarnished, but your behavoir is not alright and you need to find other ways to live. do not sit here and tell others that they are wonderful just so they will tell you that you are wonderful. it doesnt work. you dont really believe them. and if you do then please hear my voice. you know the truth and you deserve to live a happy life. do you even know what happiness truly would be for you? I never knew. And then one day I decided I liked what I had done with my life and I decided that that was happiness. Being able to wrong, while still being strong and realizing that humans are flawed, and they make mistakes and they sin, but that does not change the fact that I can think for myself and I can have inner peace.

Voice of Reason, a question for you.
Posted by Linda on Sun Jul 15 19:36:40 2001 (#8706)

My one question is where do you get your inner strength?

Re: >
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 15 08:31:24 2001 (#8689)

very nice post Dawn. =) thank you.

Here are some reasons to stay on this board
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sun Jul 15 04:26:37 2001 (#8682)

#1 We are in a place in our lives where we need support to get through the bad times.

#2 Linda and Rhonda (Tara's mom) keep us supported with both prayer and sound mindedness when our thinking gets twisted up.

#3 There are times we need a hand up, and times we need to reach out a helping hand and remind someone else that we are here for them.

#4 Sometimes we just need to rant and rave and somehow the ranting brings us to a better understanding of why we cut. And then we can do something to change a bad situation.

#5 It takes a lot of hard work to get better. Like telling secrets we've held in for so long that if we get them out into the open by sharing them with the board, we won't need to bleed to get the badness out.

#6 Most of us are on a journey to wholeness, to good mental health, and it makes it easier being with people who understand.

If you can think of more, please do. I feel stronger. Maybe the ugly harshness of the "voice" was like what Joseph in the Bible told his brothers who sold him into slavery, "what you (the voice of reason) meant for evil, God meant for good... to perserve many people aive," Genesis 50:20 I love you all so much. I hope you care for me too. Dawn an overcoming-1

Re: Here are some reasons to stay on this board
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 04:53:30 2001 (#8686)

Dawn, I see you are once again overcoming. You have conquered me with your words. Thank you. You are not being overcome. I do not understand your biblical reference. A few more things...i never asked anyone to leave the board. i agree with most of your reasons except I do not always think that the easy way is always the best way. just remeber all good things are achieved through hard work. I have a reason for you all to stay:

Because you can all help each other see that self-injury is very legit but not the best. It is the easy way out. Deal with your thoughts. When you feel suicidal, do the hard thing. Go to someone, anyone, do not just cut the thoughts away. Eventually if you do not figure out all the whys then the suicidal thoughts will get the best of you. Maybe not, maybe you will just live a life full of misery. but OVERCOME. recognize the difference between those who can support you and those who can also help you. i know you all mean the best when you help each other, but the advice, no matter how good it is, is often tainted by the fact that the advisor does not believe their own words. Support each other, Show each other the truth, just dont delude yourself that you are powerless. You are not. You have control over your thoughts and they can take you anywhere you want to go.

ONE MORE REASON TO STAY
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 09:12:28 2001 (#8692)

Hey, I know i am playing devil's advocate right now, but here is one more reason I did not ask anyone of you to leave this board:

If you can stand up to me, and take your anger out on me instead of your own skin, then you can look deep into yourself and see what makes me upset you without being angry at yourself. Get mad at me, practice expressing what you cannot say. Put words to things that can only be expressed in scars. Do not let others take advantage of you. If this community is truly improving the quality of your life then by all means have the gaul to tell me why and have the gaul to stand up to me with a level-head and speak the truth. If this truly helps you, do not let me take it from u. But think about it, those of you who have been here only a short time, I can tell you that I have watched many come and defend this board with all their soul, but in the end they always found that to move on from cutting, move away from depression, they had to leave the safety of the friends they had made on this board. They had to learn how to deal with their lives on their own. So ask yourselves, has your life truly improved since you have started coming here? Has it helped you go to a place of happiness where you can live a life to the fullest of your ability? Or has it only decieved you by putting you in a place where the social norms are drastically distorted; has it led you to feel safe? Does it make you feel accepted. Just be careful, because being here makes you feel as if there is no reason to move on with life. It lets you be loved and accepted by sitting in your pit of self pity. So, if your life truly has improved, if you are no longer cutting, if you feel less depressed to know that others are in pain, then i congratulate you, because that is something i was never able to do. I thought I had that, but I realized I had only diluded myself into believeing that becuase there were others out there like me, it was ok to live life the way I was living. And trust me, there is MORE. much more out there for you. And if you can let go fo security and comfort and face your fears then you will be able to be stronger and happier in the end. Good Luck all...

Re: ONE MORE REASON TO STAY
Posted by girl on Sun Jul 15 12:53:29 2001 (#8694)

i see what ur doing i know. i can defend i will move on one day when i am strong. i will fight and kick against you because i know what u r doing and u think its good and beneficial but ur just like my mother and u arent fucking funny and i know. and im laughing at ur ignorance and ir arrogance and ur self rightiosness

Re:i agree with girl !!!!
Posted by emm on Sun Jul 15 13:14:28 2001 (#8695)

i dont care i fyou Used to post here and i dont care if you think you are helping.

as you said if your intentions were to come and make me feel awful about myself then how on earth is that helping????

i dont agree with your meathods and i dont belive you know what the hell you talking about. if you were a cutter youd know what a selfish shit your being.

i dont know what kind of game your playing but its not welcome here!!!!

PISS OFF !!

emma

Re:i agree with girl !!!!
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 15:06:23 2001 (#8697)

you are right. i am a selfish shit. but out of the two of us, who has been the one who has conquered SI? And who is the one who is strong enough to not be bothered by words on the computer? Me.

You know what I am doing, I am sure of that. And I know you dont like it, I didnt either, but life is not and cannot always be pleasant and comfortable. I am not hurting you. These are words. Not directed at any one individual, but rather at a whole community that includes myself. I know what SI does to you, I know what this board does too....and I am just getting you to think. I just want you to question me, use it as a tool in recovery. Could she really be right? No, then why is she upsetting me? Is it because I am afraid of what might happen if I stand up to the world? Let me tell you, that I am nothing like your mother....

i know how horrible this sounds to you, it sounds just as bad to the parts of me that want to give up and let depression roll in and take control again. I just dont want you to become secure in the idea that your behavoir is alright. It is not. It will hurt you. Come here and talk about how not to cut...why you do, why you shouldnt. Keep this a safe place to talk about your struggles, but not a place to just complain and say how horrible everything is. If it is horrible, do something. Tell me why it is horrible and try to decide how you want to fix it. You can conquer these things and it is not easy or pleasent. But you can. Fight for the life that you can only dream of right now. A while ago, your words came out of my mouth when my security in my behavoirs was questioned and I whole-heartedly believed every word I said. But it did get me to think. you do NOT have to accept your life for what it is NOW and what others have made it. You are a free-willed individual. At the root of what I am saying you must see the truth in it. I know that I have expressed it harshly. That is on purpose. It gives you all a common enemy to fight. Unifies you so that as a group you can move on to new paths of self-discovery. If this is your safe-place then do not let me scare you away from it. Choose the posts you want to read and ignore me. Why do you read this one even? havent you learned that my words might hurt? but you come back for more because you know in many ways i am right.....

VOR
Posted by girl on Sun Jul 15 12:45:10 2001 (#8693)

do u not think that i dont think critically of myself as it is? i am digging myself out im trying to gain my self respect and u come here putting some of us above others and telling us what a lot of us have been told all our lives. that we r shit and pathetic. dont u think ive heard those words shouted before? u know what u dont know me and u dont know why im here so dont marginalize self harmers dont see "us" as an entity. we are individuals, i apreciate u trying to make us think but u have no right to do that here. go be a do goode r in ur liittle town and see people face to face and say half the things uve said here with conviction. i am trying this is a vent for me i havnt cut in so long the board helps, is that so counter productive? ive done all the "right" things im going to make it meanwhile i need to stay safe and u slagging off all my efforts really isnt helping......

Re: VOR
Posted by THE VOICE OF REASON on Sun Jul 15 15:37:05 2001 (#8698)

I do believe you think critically of yourself. I do know that others have belittled you for a long time too. But what I want you to see is that my words are my problem. You do not have to let them get to you because you will be facedd with unpleasenties in life. I certainly am. Daily I am told that I dont deserve the life I was given and that I am not even worthy of basic human rights. And by my own mother. But she has made her mistakes. I was a child. Children are defenseless and some are not given the protection they deserve...but as you mature you become more concious and you have the will to make your own choices.

I do kknow you. You may not know who I am, but I have been here all along supporting you and helping. I have been here, and now I am here playing a different role. I am VERY proud of you not cutting. That is truly wonderful. But let me ask you, is your mind still consumed with thoughts of self-injury? I know for the longest time it was on mine. I never thought there would come a day when my first response to a situation that was not safe and comfortable would be thoughts of how soon and how much I could cut. But that day has come. I am not slagging your efforts. If my words do not apply to you, if they are not your truth, then do not assume they are directed at you. Say, she is not talking about me, I know what I am. She has some legitimate points, but other things have no place in relation to my struggles.

and let me try to help you. i know you wont like this. if you are truly unhappy with yourself and are trying to get self-respect how are you doing it? By being kind to words on a screen and then feeling like a good person for helping them? That is not the way to feel better about yourself. Helping others is fine, but it is also a trap for those who do not want to help themselves. i know you probably think more critically about yourself than any person ever should have to and that is not necessarily what I want you to do. Say, why do I think this way of myself? How can I go about trying to figure out how I am going to change it? Do I want to change it? Is being here helping me change? Is that change helping the quality of my life?

It was my experience to find that while I was here, My mind would never rest. I would always think of SI and I would always see the benefits of it. When you learn to survive without it, and more importantly without the thought of it then you have beaten it. It is great that you dont cut anymore, but how much of your time do you think about it? imagining it? craving it? planning it? When you see that this board remains a constant reminder that things will be ok and will be safe if you do not beat it, you will not be able to. You need to cut it out of your life (excuse my pun). Not necessarily the board. But the ideas like I will always be a cutter. It will never stop. I will always think about it. If your mind can find new ways of surviving then so will you. You will realize that you can look this bitch in the face and say, i beat you. You no longer control me. I control myself. Then you can think about cutting from the outside. You can not secretly always think, I wish I was cutting right now. You will get there. Do not let me stop you. Just like it is my free will to read your posts and not like all of what I hear, it is your free will to read my words and let them bother you. Learn to ignore the unnecessary unpleasentries in life. Build a tough enough skin so that you can say, ahh, who cares what that fucker thinks? and you will see that the strongest tool of survival is not being able to fight back with words, or actions. but it rather it is to ignore. Anyone tormenting you is looking for a response, and as long as they get that response they will continue. Do not let them control you. Say, that is there problem, but this is me and I do not even need to waste my energy thinking about them. So I am not helping you, that is fine. But ask yourself this...Am I really hurting you? Aren't you stronger than me? Afterall, I am just a little shit who has no clue what she is talking about. So if i am truly ignorant of your life and my words are not true to you, then do not extend yourself in having to fight back. learn when you need to and learn when it is better to just ignore. words cannot physically hurt you. especially words of a stranger. do not let the emotional sting of them turn into physical pain on your body. Show the world you are stronger. That you have survived this far and you are not gonna give up. What I say may hurt your feelings, but nobody has yet answered me to as why it does? When someone lies about me to my face I do not get angry. It is their problem and I know what is actually true. Do my words hurt becuase they are true? If they are not true to you, do they hurt because you can see how the truth of them might apply to your friends? If you can not even see a little bit of truth in what I say, if you do not see a glimmer that I know what I am talking about, then why do I bother you? Why not just ignore me, catergorize me as an ignorant fool, and get on with improving your life. Dont think improvement is out of your hands. It never is. You can do something. Figure out what it is and do it! Good Luck

voice of reson.....
Posted by Amanda(former lost and lonly) on Sun Jul 15 16:07:10 2001 (#8700)

i cans ee wot your doin and i can understand why, i cut, but im tryin not to, i went 3 and a vit months without doin it but had a relapse the other day. it happens. there are a few people here who also are tryin to stop, others want to. but because its so hard they need this place to vent out the bad days. when they are having a good day they are here for those who arnt. i understand exactly all your resons for doin what you are but i do think there are nicer ways to do it, i do also think some of what you say is true and that IS why everyone gets upset, but dont you think there are more constructive ways of saying those things? if you used your experience to help rather than hurt the others here would b happy to listen and wouldnt ignor what youu say and reply using harsh comments.

think about it. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: go away !!!!!!
Posted by emm on Sun Jul 15 18:01:38 2001 (#8701)

GO AWAY. WE DONT NEED YOUR SARKY COMMENTS. WE HAVE PEOPLE HERE WHO CAN HELP LIKE LINDA AND TARAS MUM.

WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?

GO AWAY!!!!! emma

FUCK OFF VOICE OF REASON !!
Posted by .......... on Sun Jul 15 18:04:33 2001 (#8702)

FUCK OFF YOU ARSE HOLE !!

Re: FUCK OFF VOICE OF REASON !!
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 15 19:07:12 2001 (#8703)

yes we are all disturbed with voice of reason but I think in some small way she means good..give her a break. =) but I understand where your coming from too.....

Scars
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 15 19:23:10 2001 (#8704)

Ok..well from all the fighting and disagreeing on the board heres a change of topics. I have a massive amount of ugly scars..Im sure you all do too...and that person(whoever said it) was right..I am ashamed of them and try to hide them, but! Its not that Im ashamed of them years later when I dont cut anymore..Im ashamed of them right now. I still cut..and its still there..and it always will be. I can hide my arms and wrists with sleeved shirts and bracelets, and my legs with pants, and my stomach with long shirts...even though Ive always wanted my belly button pierced =(...o h well..how do you get past looking at your cars and feeling bad..this is a major problem I have...Ill sit and stare at them and remember the awful things that were going on that caused them....help someone. -love- =)

Re: Scars
Posted by Amanda on Sun Jul 15 19:58:35 2001 (#8708)

i felt exactly the way you do when i still cut. but now i have stopped(well almost) i look at them and think "yea you were part of my life but now i have closed that chapter of me and moved away from you" i think it is only something that will heal inside you once you let your body heal. some of them fade, some dont i have some which will last years and years and for that i am glad, it means i will look at them if i feel the need to cut and think "no i dont need to do that, its a part of the past and doesnt need to be my future". hope that helps. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Scars
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 16 03:17:08 2001 (#8723)

Kat, Amanda, and everyone with scars please scroll back up and read the song I copies (without permission). And think about every word.

I have scars, lots of scars, some I put there and some surgens did. I've been cutting I guess for 13 years now. My left forearm is coverec from wrist to the bend of my elbow with scars that criss cross each other. My right arm is not as bad but they all show.

And when someone asks about them I casually say that is what I do when I don't feel well.

Sometimes they ask why and just as casually I tell them I was sexually abused, sometime I add by over 150 different ppl. But that usually results in more questions like: "how could that happen"

Then I just decided how much information I want to share.

There is plenty in my life to be ashamed of, scars are the least of my worries. I don't hide them and I don't hide bandages, or bandaids.

I have three different mental disorder, I have diabetes, bad knees, bad shoulders, bad ankles, and I suffer with cluster and tension headaches. Cutting is just a reaction to mental and emotional pain.

I'm not a teenager wit all the pressures to have the perfect body, wear thong bikinies, and have no problems... so I don't know how to tell you to make peace with your scars on a teenage level.

But I suggest again to scroll up to the poem and read it over several times.

Oh and Amanda, I'm glad you came out in the open with you name, that is a big step forward love and hugs

Taking sides
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 15 19:29:35 2001 (#8705)

ok..I dont want to upset anyone but I can kind of see where the voice of reason is coming from..In a way..I can tell you the first post I read by her I was pretty angrey at her, but I came to my sences. On the other hand I can totally see where all the other girls on the board are getting stemmed off at her! I mean this is our safe place, how dare you say its not good. you know? Im not taking sides..and think its all silly..voice of reason was stating her opinion and thats ok..I know some of her recent posts might get me upset or mad so I choose not to read them, if you need to stay safe and not get triggered or angrey just choose carefully of the posts you read. I love you all!!! -kat- =)

Re: Taking sides
Posted by girl on Sun Jul 15 22:52:02 2001 (#8714)

i so agree hun-e

Re: Taking sides
Posted by VOR - a safe one on Mon Jul 16 04:30:09 2001 (#8724)

Believe me, I can see both sides of this two and I dont think either is complete. There is good and bad in everything. peaceout guys. Just ruffling some feathers here. You are still safe. I have learned to deal with harsh words and find the difference between the lies and truths no matter how they are presented.

for christs sake!!!!!!!
Posted by amanda on Sun Jul 15 19:50:55 2001 (#8707)

who r u lot to tell vioce of reson to fuck off!!!! i think every1 has a right to be here and itsnt up to any of you to tell her to leave. doont you see that she is tryin to help!!!???!!! fair enough her methods may not make it seem like it but she is. she is trying to get you to see that SI does not help. i can see why you are angry but that is not an excuse to tell her to fuck off. noone here should be told to leave. that is not what this place is about. am i the only one that can see that she speeks truth and is only tring to help?????

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: for christs sake!!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 15 20:03:25 2001 (#8709)

yes..amanda read my thread"taking sides". it says a little of what you just said.

Re: for christs sake!!!!!!!
Posted by VOR on Mon Jul 16 04:32:50 2001 (#8725)

its ok, you can tell me to fuck off. it does not hurt, and i would MUCH rather you take it out on me than on yourself. show your emotions.

and to sara: I doubt you know who I am, for I have been here a lot longer than you and i remember when you were new too.

Lets all calm down
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 15 20:09:17 2001 (#8710)

Hi everyone, Just thought I'd add some more input. Voice of Reason has caused a lot of talking and while I agree with some of it, I can't for the life of me see how hurting someone who is not in a safe place to be good for them. I mean, if some of these people were in a place with support around them, maybe they could get mad without having to worry. But from helping Tara, I know that when she gets really, really mad, she wants to cut. That is how she deals with it. The thing is, she knows that I'm her safe place. She can some to me when she gets like this and I will help her. What about all the others who don't have anyone to turn to? What happens to them? There is a time to say things and a place, but I don't think this board is the place. You're right, sooner or later everyone here will have to face their problems head on, full force. When that happens, I pray to God they have someone there in person to help them. I also think that most everyone here knows this day will come, but it is the way you said it. Like because you have overcome your SIing, you are the expert and you know exactly what they should do. There are so many emotionally fragile people here you really need to be careful how you say things. I worry all the time when I'm posting about hurting someone's feelings and getting them mad at me. I don't want to do that, and I hope they let me know if I do. All I ask of you, Voice of Reason, is that you show a little compassion and respect of everyone on this board. I pray that in years to come, there won't be a need for a board like this because all the people will have overcome all the problems in their lives. Guess I'll go for now. Tara says to tell everyone hi. She is working midnights on her new job, so that's why she isn't posting right now. But you know she'll be back later. Love to everyone, Rhonda

Re: Lets all calm down
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 15 20:58:21 2001 (#8711)

thank you for posting that Rhonda...I too cut when I get extremly angrey. Tell Tara I say hi...both of you take care! -love- =)

Re: Lets all calm down
Posted by sara on Mon Jul 16 02:03:27 2001 (#8721)

voice of reason-- hello, i rarely post and i was reading along and your tone and words are familiar to me as someone strong in the past. i understand where you are coming from in your observations. and that's what they are, something people shouldn't get so mad over. that's all..just an opinion of someone, sometimes is good to get another. who knows, maybe its one of those times. anyway, i would like to talk to you, you have probably seen messages on the board from me...email me at fluteme@myownemail.com

sara

Re: Lets all calm down
Posted by VOR on Mon Jul 16 04:37:29 2001 (#8726)

I do not claim to know what they need to do...I have told them over and over to figure it out forthemselves. And, those who have no safe place to turn, neither do I. its tough. life is a bitch. thats why you have to learn to depend on yourself rather than destroy yourself. If the world destroys you, you do not need to put it all on your shoulders, learn to trust in yourself. Stay strong for you and only you.

Goodbye
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 15 21:15:21 2001 (#8712)

I am sorry to say that I have to leave the board. I recently discovered that my computer keeps a much more detailed history of the sites I have been on then I thought it did. I don't think my mom knows about this history, but if she ever found it, and found this board...it would be very very very bad.

Thank you all so much for helping me. You have helped me more than words can say. I love you all so very much and wish you all the best of luck in the future. I will never forget any of you. You have made a permanent impact on my life. I will try to drop by from time to time. I'm sorry I have to go. I don't want to. Everyone, take care and be well. I hope someday we all can conquer this.

Lots and lots and lots of love - *me*

Re: Goodbye
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 15 21:36:31 2001 (#8713)

I can tell you how to erase the history on your comp, if youd like but after my mom found out about my cutting things got a lot better just to let you know. but i understand if you dont want her to find out,aslo if you click this page as a link then it wont show up in the history. please keep it touch. e-mail me if youd like. love ya

Re: Goodbye
Posted by emm on Sun Jul 15 23:49:03 2001 (#8715)

miss you lots

emma xxxx drop me a line if u need too!!

Re: Goodbye
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jul 16 01:16:37 2001 (#8718)

Take care of yourself. Write me if you need someone to listen to you. YOu know I will. We all love you.

Love, Rhonda

Re: Goodbye
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 16 18:07:20 2001 (#8733)

*me*, I wish u didn't leave! I'm gonna miss u sooo much! please write me...PLEASE! I need to here from u atleast 1ce in a while if u gotta go! I hope ur fine! *hugs* Christine just incase my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com

erase you history....
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 17 08:26:44 2001 (#8779)

I know, that is how my parents came here the first few times, but if you just completely empty the history files, and then empty the trash bin in you computer (or at least the history part), they can't get it without some serious hacking shit. which I doubt even my paranoid delusional father would do, even though he knows about this place now. and new history can be saved so you have to erase it everyday.

take care, and try this 'method' of erasure. lyssie

lindsey?
Posted by emm on Mon Jul 16 00:41:46 2001 (#8716)

hi lindsey. its emma here.

are you pissed of with me??? im sorry if i said something. are you the voice of reason?? if you are im sorry. i was just upset with what was said.

im sorry if i have done something. i didnt mean it.

forgive me???

emma

Re: lindsey?
Posted by VOR on Mon Jul 16 04:39:38 2001 (#8727)

no, no....she is not the voice of reason. most of you would probably not know me, i am before your time.

Re: lindsey?
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 16 18:14:38 2001 (#8735)

No Emm, I'm not pissed at you. I don't get pissed at anyone but myself, and Margaret, so don't worry.

And no, I'm not the voice of reason.

ahhhh everyone hates me
Posted by emm on Mon Jul 16 01:03:33 2001 (#8717)

exactly what the title says.

im not so bad a person. really. please everyone forgive me. i am sorry. dont hate me. even you "voice of reason" im sorry i just would rather you didnt help me as i find it offensive.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME. i feel rotten making people think badly of me.

please.....im sorry you lot.

i will totally understand if you want me to leave the board.

might see you

emm

Re: ahhhh everyone hates me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jul 16 01:30:26 2001 (#8719)

Emm, We don't hate you. Sometimes when we're mad, we say things we regret and maybe that's what has happened. I know it upset me to see some of the stuff here in the last day or so, but it could never make me hate anyone! That's not how I am. Just know that I still think of you like a daughter and want you to be okay. Take care of yourself and don't worry about amyone hating you. Don't think it will happen honey. Love ya, Rhonda

i dont hun-e
Posted by girl on Wed Jul 18 20:07:45 2001 (#8815)

sweety i dont hate u i dunno whats been goin down the last few day s to make u think that but i think ur a genuninly (never could spell!) nice person and i have taken advice from u and basked in ur strength i dont hate u please dont leave me.

love girlxxxxxxxxxxxx(((((((((((emm ))))))))))

Re: ahhhh everyone hates me
Posted by VOR on Mon Jul 16 04:44:46 2001 (#8728)

there is no reason to apologize to me. people dont think rotten of you for standing up for what you believe in. do you truly believe you are a good person? i believe it. I dont think you truly do. I think that you are punishing yourself and looking for forgivness from others. dont feel like you need others to forgive you in order for you to truly respect yourself and believe in your actions. Sure, we all make mistakes all the time, but dont be ashamed. Say i made a mistake oops. I see different now so I am a stronger person for it. Do not feel bad for saying your thoughts. Let yourself do it and let yourself believe it. you do not need validation from others to know that you are a good person. validate yourself and do not ask for others to absolve you of that responsibility

Re: ahhhh everyone hates me
Posted by Linda on Mon Jul 16 05:18:16 2001 (#8730)

(((((((((((((Emma)))))))))))) I don't hate you!!!

Re: ahhhh everyone hates me
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 16 18:01:22 2001 (#8732)

Emm, no one hates u...I certainly don't! I don't want u to leave the board! please don't!!! I'll miss u way too much! ur important to me...everyone here is! please don't talk like everyone hates u...cuz it's not true! *hugs* Christine

Re: ahhhh everyone hates me
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 16 19:34:56 2001 (#8739)

No Emm, not everyone hates you. I don't.

*hugs*

vor...you want level headedness...here it is
Posted by Overcoming-1 Dawn on Mon Jul 16 02:40:07 2001 (#8722)

First of all my initual reaction to your post, before I even read it was: this person sure thinks a lot about him/her self to us capital letter for a sign in name. And if you do think so much of yourself and the point you want to make then why are you hiding behind a victious name?

I came on this board, because my memories were turning into flashbacks again and I was thinking of cutting. And its hard to be in that kind of place in my mind and be all alone.

I was looking for help and I found it here. I also found people here who are where I was a few (very short) years ago. I believe they need me and my experience, strength and hope just as I need not to be alone when times get dark and the road to my recovery from my life seems to get toooo long.

As I have said many times. I am not where I was yesterday, and I will not be in the same place tomorrow. But in my dark days I did not believe that. I was in deep misery and I could not articulate it. It ingulfed me. And I read post and know others are in that place.

Many of us can feel anger, and we can express it in 4 letter words and turning it on ourselves. But it is emotions, like sadness, grief, confusion, and shame which they cannot speak without doing so with a blade.

I've been in therapy for years. I've seen women come and go because the words behind the feelings frighten them off. And I learned a valuable lesson, actually 2. One is that pain is pain, no matter if it stems from one assault or hundreds. The other is that "It takes as long as it takes."

You are right we must move on. But who are you to say when, or how fast.

I believe you came on, or as you say "back to" this board anomalously to stir the board up. Well you certainly did that. But you know what. You can go on your way now. it is time for us to get back to the business of healing.

And you are certainly right I am not overcome, I am an overcomer and I believe everyone on here is too and that is why God directed me here.

I'm not perfect. Are you?

Re: vor...you want level headedness...here it is
Posted by THE ONE WHO IS PROUD TO THINK A LOT OF HERSELF on Mon Jul 16 05:03:07 2001 (#8729)

so, when you think of cutting and flashbacks you want to be around other people who will constantly remind you of abuse and cutting? i know how harsh that sounds. Why not go somewhere where people can distract you and help you through it instead of simply reminding you of it and making you feel more comfortable with it?

The others need an example that in a few years they will still be suffering? That, in my opinion, does not provide a lot of hope. When you are struggling with pain and life as much as they are and you are twice their age. To me that says, I give up, I am never gonna win. and we all need to know that you can win. You can, anyone can. Find it within yourself. you need to learn to speak those things, maybe not with words, but not with blades. They can be said in other ways.

Let me also address why i "hide" behind this name. Because, just like you, I am not who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow. SO, as of this present moment, What I am to myself is THE VOICE OF REASON.

Wow, time to move on for me? possibly, no. I dont think its time for me to go yet...I have gotten through to a few but oh dear dawn, you do not see what i am trying to show you. Stirring things up is part of the business of healing. If you accept things and go back to the way you all were, wallowing in your own self--pity then you will not heal.

And now about being perfect....thats really tough. No, I am not perfect. Jesus was the only truly perfect human being. But I sure try my damndest to be as close to it as I can get. My view of perfection is inner strength and I sure have a heck of a lot of it. And I am proud to say that. you think me arrogant and concieted. But I am the one who has not cut in months and months. I have beaten it. Not only the actual process of stoping the physical harm. But accepting that things arent the way I like them and life is tough and painful; but all I have in this world is me and I better protect that with all my will because that is what God gave me and that is all that I have.

Yeah, even i do not believe everything i have said here, or believe in the way I have said it. But, I have the guts to state all possibilities in my search for the truth in my life. If I can think it then it must be possible, so I might as well try and figure out why I thought it to begin with.

You all will be so happy when you get to a point of self-acceptance and you learn to see that we are all sinners in a very flawed world, but this is our world and this is how it was given to us so we might as well learn how to live in it.

Why did God bring me here? i dont know.

ScReAmInG fRoM tHe DePtHs...
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 16 17:35:13 2001 (#8731)

for all of u that took the time to even care I was gone I'm sry I was such a waste of ur time! I was soo close to killing myself when I thought of my friend and called him...he convinced me not to kill myself (didn't do a very good job but still convinced me) and I ended up slicing up my stomach and passing out on my bathroom floor for a lil while! I was lucky cuz everyone in my house was out the whole time and I didn't wanna explain ne thing to ne one cuz I knew they wouldn't understand and send me away again! I'm sry it took me a long time to post this and get to writing back to everyone elses posts...everything seems to be moving a million miles an hour and I'm still going slow as hell! I'm sry! *hugs* my no.1 need! Christine

Re: ScReAmInG fRoM tHe DePtHs...
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 16 18:50:35 2001 (#8736)

Im glad you posted, I was concerned for you. Did you get my e-mail? Well yah I used to slice up my stomach,not a pretty thing to look at, Im soo glad your still breathing, thats all that matters. take care of yourself. -love- =)

Re: ScReAmInG fRoM tHe DePtHs...
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 16 19:39:58 2001 (#8740)

One thing - *big ol' Iowan hug*

Re: ScReAmInG fRoM tHe DePtHs...
Posted by emm on Mon Jul 16 21:36:00 2001 (#8746)

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad to see you !!!!

missed you lots. im glad you didnt kill yourself. i was worried but i feel much better knowing your ok.

lots a love !!

emma xxxx

Re: ScReAmInG fRoM tHe DePtHs...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 17 01:06:25 2001 (#8761)

Glad you're back Christine. Take care of yourself. We're here for you and we all love you. Love, Rhonda

Crazy person rambling
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 16 18:10:54 2001 (#8734)

I think I'm going crazy again. I haven't sleept in three days. Wait ... I think I slept for a few hours this morning. I've read 'Prozac Nation', 'The Bell Jar', 'Girl Interrupted', and 'An Unquiet Mind' in these past three days. Just finished 'Prozac Nation' this morning. Normally it takes me a few months to get through any kind of book.

Been addicted to Linkin Park's CD 'Hybird Theory' [a very good album for all us on the edge of insanity] and the Excedrin. Maybe if I take to many I'll be put in the hospital and be given a vacation from life.

Haven't been cutting, but I think that's due to the amount of thinking I've been doing. It's like I'm to busy to cut.

I'm leaving on Wednesday [July 18]. I'll be gone two weeks. I just need a rest from life, so I'm going up to my sister's in Canada. I'm actually praying for a plane crash.

Peace & love

Re: Crazy person rambling
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 16 18:58:08 2001 (#8737)

Hey girlie...dont worry about it,,we're all a little crazy =p. jk.I doubt your crazy...I used to stay up for weeks at a time, but those were my drug addiction days, thank god those are over. I havent cut in a while either..its just like making me feel allthese things driving me nuts. I am so glad you havent cut and your alright. I love reading book,s I used to hate any kind of book or work but now I read on my own! now that is a miracle right there,I love the song crawling by linkin park, love it! I listen to more heavier stuff though. =) Im praying that your plane does NOT crash and that you have a safe trip...vacations are always fun, be safe, take care of yourself please! -love-

Re: Crazy person rambling
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 16 19:00:42 2001 (#8738)

lindsey, I don't think ur going crazy...I've done that b4 and thought the same thing...don't worry about it! ur just thinking a lil too much u need to relax a lil! I'm here if u wanna talk to me! I'm happy that u haven't cut thinking too much about stuff could be bad too! I hope u have fun at ur sisters...I'll miss u! *hugs* Christine

Re: Crazy person rambling
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 16 20:38:10 2001 (#8742)

I hope you have a good visit with your sister, and that your plane does not crash. It may not be getting past your busy brain cells or not but "we" care about you.

I've been in lala land the past couple of days, took my night time meds in the morning, or was it afternoon, anyway it was when I woke up yesterday.

Bring home some post cards from Canada, or email me and I'll give you my address and you can send me one or two from Canada to let me know how its going. I love you.... I really do. Hugs...Dawn

Re: Crazy person rambling
Posted by emm on Mon Jul 16 21:41:25 2001 (#8747)

Thank god your not mad at me.

anyway. your not crazy! just being a bit philosophical at the moment. hope you enjoy your hoilday! you deserve it!

will be waiting to hear all about.

see you soon.

hugs emma xxxx

Re: Crazy person rambling
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 17 01:08:29 2001 (#8762)

Lidnsey, Have a good time and relax on your trip. I hope you make it safe and sound cause it wouldn't be the same with you gone. Love ya, Rhonda

Alice
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 16 19:49:39 2001 (#8741)

Ah Alice ... that kooky girl who keeps getting herself in sticky situations. *giggles* These are two quotes, one is from "Alice in Wonderland" and the other is from "Through the Looking Glass."

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat, "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." --from Chapter 6 - Pig and Pepper

"If that there King was to wake," added Tweedledum, "you'd go out -- bang! -- just like a candle!" "I shouldn't!" Alice exclaimed indignantly. "Besides, if I'M only a sort of thing in his dream, what are you, I should like to know?" "Ditto," said Tweedledum. "Ditto, ditto," cried Tweedledee. He shouted this so loud that Alice couldn't help saying, "Hush! You'll be waking him, I'm afraid, if you make so much noise." "Well, it's no use your talking about waking him," said Tweedledum, "when you're only one of the things in his dream. You know very well you're not real." "I am real!" said Alice and began to cry. "You won't make yourself a bit realer by crying," Tweedledee remarked. "There's nothing to cry about." "If I wasn't real," Alice said -- half-laughing though her tears, it all seemed so ridiculous -- "I shouldn't be able to cry." "I hope you don't suppose those are real tears?" Tweedledum interrupted in a tone of great contempt. "I know they're talking nonsense," Alice thought to herself, "and it's foolish to cry about it." So she brushed away her tears, and went on as cheerfully as she could. --from Chapter 4 - Tweedledum and Tweedledee

Re: Alice
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 16 20:48:21 2001 (#8743)

It would be nice to read something so whimsical these days. To take a magical trip through this life into another....and maybe it would be a better life. But with my luck it would be worse.

But thank you for reminding me not to be so serious.

i gave in!
Posted by diana on Mon Jul 16 20:54:22 2001 (#8744)

hey guyz,

well last night i totally gave into my weakness. I cut for the first time in over 7 weeks. I mean i kinda let myself down. I guess i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

Re: i gave in!
Posted by emm on Mon Jul 16 21:45:04 2001 (#8748)

7 WEEKS !!!! wow. no you certainly havent let yourself down!! thats excelent. now you know you can go for that long. next time aim a little higher.

dont feel let down. 7 weeks is fantastic.

feel very proud of yourself!

hugs emma xxxx

Re: i gave in!
Posted by Dawn ....overcoming-! on Mon Jul 16 22:06:49 2001 (#8750)

Diana, you slipped that's all. It happens to the best of us. Do not be dicouraged. Take a deep breath and get back on track. I know that is easier said than done.

The enemy likes it when we slip and fills our heads with the idea More, More, More. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Your statement "I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was" reminds me of a verse in the Bible that say's "When you think you stand take heed lest you fall"

There are none of us so strong that we never slip or fall on occassion. Think back over the last day or two and see what brought you to the point of slipping.

I cannot handle a lot of stress, frustration, or have "things" I cannot control. I wig out. and when I wig out cutting seems to be the key to get back control of myself and my life.

I hate it when ppl tell me to get over it. So I won't say that to you. What I will say is love yourself in spite of your failures or slips. You went 7 weeks, next time it will be longer. Its like trying to stop smoking (which I never started,) but I heard that each time a person tries and fails then tries again they actually have a better chance to concure the addiction.

Get a callender and put smiley faces on every day you don't cut. But don't even put a frown on the days you do that way you will see more sucessful days and less less sucessful ones. At the end of every week do something special for yourself. And soon weeks will turn into months.

I've gones months without even considering cutting. I look back in my life and see I'm not overdosing, or attemtping suicide anymore. I did think about it a couple of weeks ago, but instead of acting on my thoughts I told someone about them.

It took a lot of strength for you to go 7 weeks which shows you are getting stronger. Love and hugs Dawn

Re: i gave in!
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 16 22:19:07 2001 (#8752)

Diana, whoever can even make it to 7 weeks is strong as hell to me! we all slip...it's part of the recovery process! life isn't always as easy as 123! u gotta keep trying and working hard! *hugs* Christine

Re: i gave in!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 17 01:14:55 2001 (#8763)

Diana, You are strong! You made it 7 weeks without cutting and that is something! Like I told Tara when she cut after going 6 months without doing it, it's just a little setback. No one is mad at you or thinks you're weak. You just pick yourself up and start again. Who knows, maybe you'll go 8 weeks this time! Even if you don't, I will still care about you Diana. Don't give up. YOu have friends here who love you. Take care. Rhonda

Celebrate.... today
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 16 21:28:20 2001 (#8745)

My sister sent me somewhat of a chain message today, and because I do not condone that kind of thing I read through it, then discarded it.

The message began with a man opening his wife's underware drawer and finding a box wrapped in silk ribbon, with silk paper inside and inside the paper some delicate under things his wife was saving for a special occassion.

She never wore them and he was now going to take them to a rummage sale following her funeral.

The man then made a commitment to treat each day as special. He ate on the best china, drank from the crystal glasses, spent afternoons in the park, feeding the squirels, and celebrating the gift of life with all the vigor he could.

I am single, and have been 13 years, you might even say 15 years, because my last marriage only lasted a month or two.

That said, I will tell you that in my darkest days, when my life as I knew it was falling apart, there was no one to send me flowers, buy me niffty little tokens, send me balloons, to celebrate my victories, or cheer me when I was down, so I started doing those kinds of things for myself.

I say I'm single and indeed I am, but I have Paul, a man 18 years older than me. He's been married and divorced 7 times and does not want to marry anyone including me ever again.

He moved several hundreds of miles to live close to me, actually he's right next door. Last Valentine's day I told him I wanted a heart-shape balloon. It cost $.99. But he saw a Jumbo balloon and said I think we should get this one. I spoke up and said I'd like several latax balloons to go with it. All was fine till the cashier said the jumbo balloon was a whopping $8.50. Paul about lost it....but I decided I wanted it bad enought to pay for most of it, and the other balloons myself. (Oh, by the way that was around the first of Feb. and the jumbo balloon is still flying.) The point of that story is that we need to live life, and celebrate, even a shitty life, for the simple reason we are still breathing. And if we have to buy our own gifts.... so be it.

God created us good and perfect. People messed up my mind, but God still sees me as good and perfect. And the same is true of you.

The vor stirred things up, and whether she know it or not it was emotional abuse and no one on this board deserved it. And no one on this board "should" (I hate using that word, but for the lack of another one ) take on the blame.

It is true that some postings are very triggering. And as others have said we need to figure out which to read and which to ignore.

Take the time today to be kind to your body and to the self inside it. If we don't...... who will?

Talk out your problems and you will discover you will cut less.

Celebrate your minutes, hours, days you did harm yourself. And don't beat yourself up or cut because you slipped. Remember it is progress and not perfection.

Love and hugs :-) Dawn Overcoming-1

Re: Celebrate.... today
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 16 22:28:31 2001 (#8753)

Dawn, that was nice! ur right...we should try to live everyday as if it were our last cuz u never know if it really is! I'm not a big god person but I do believe I'm here for a reason...not to be perfect but to be me! That's all that's asked of me and that's all I should be..but it's hard cuz u go thru things everyday where ppl constintly push u to be something else! when u feel like that just push back! I g2g! *hugs* Christine

read me mind
Posted by emm on Mon Jul 16 22:05:17 2001 (#8749)

Warped & Twisted

Harsh words & violent blows Hidden secrets nobody knows Eyes are open, hands are fisted Deep inside I'm warped & twisted So many tricks & so many lies Too many whens & too many whys Nobody's special, nobody's gifted I'm just me, warped & twisted Sleeping awake & choking on a dream Listening loudly to a silent scream Call my mind, the number's unlisted Lost in someone so warped & twisted On my knees, alive but dead Look at the invisible blood I've bled I'm not gone, my mind has drifted Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow Today's just yesterday's tomorrow The sun died out, the ashes sifted I'm still here, warped & twisted

emma xxx

Re: read me mind
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 16 22:11:56 2001 (#8751)

EXCELENT!!!!!!!!! I'm speachless. I love you :-) Dawn

Re: read me mind
Posted by black rose on Mon Jul 16 22:36:51 2001 (#8754)

That was soo good! omg keep it up! :o)

Re: read me mind
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 17 00:01:19 2001 (#8757)

that was so good it gave me chills luv jen

Morbid
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 16 22:48:31 2001 (#8755)

I was extremly hurt when my mom turned to me in the car and said.."why are you so obssesed with death!?"I bitterly said back to her.."Im not!! god!" She looked as if she was going to cry..this women wonders why I am so depressed and I am violent against others and myself..well gee lets think back..I was beat with shovels and hangers and anything else around when I was about age 4 up till about 12...hmmm.There we go, and the person who I was supposed to go cry to was the person who did this to me, my mother and sometimes my father! I just hope god can give me the courage to accept those I can not change...ugh..cuz right now I am soooooo FUCKING mad. and I do not want to xcuuutt ahhhhhhhh

Re: Morbid
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 17 00:17:17 2001 (#8759)

You are not alone. You have a right to be "mad". But please don't cut on account of her.

When my "all is well" facade crumbled around me I was more than mad, more than angry, I hated my mother and she was dead and I couldn't tell her what a rotten mother she was. I live an 8 hour drive from where she's buried and have no car. But back then I wanted to go to her gravesite and dance and stomp on it and scream at the top of my lungs how I hated her.

But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm sorry you are still suffering. Is there anyone you can trust to talk to, to tell how she's treated you? Find someone but please don't harm yourself. That's what I've been doing. But I hope to stop now. stay safe, from yourself and her. love and hugs. Dawn

Re: Morbid
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 17 01:23:16 2001 (#8764)

KAT, I'm sorry your parents act like they do, but you're right, they probably will never change.Makes me wish I was closer so you could come see me and talk, but you can still talk to me this way. I may not know the right things to say to make you feel better, but I do know I wouldn't treat you like that. Just stay strong honey and know that I'm only an e-mail away. Love ya KAT, Rhonda

jus wanna say...
Posted by Smelly_Ellie on Mon Jul 16 23:56:10 2001 (#8756)

okay, i used top post here under a diffrent name, and i still recognise some ppl here, but i just wanna say, reading thru the posts, the only person who seems to speak the slightest bit of sense here is KAT. I havent read all posts here so dont go off your head if u said something amazing and i missed it, sorry bout that if so. but i wanted to say that VOR does have a point. I found it way easier to get over cutting myself when away from here. I;m not saying here is a bad place - but we all seem to get addicted to it, ill bet the majority of u come here everytime ur online, at least about 4 times a week.....i used to come here everyday, and beleive it doesnt help. it should be an occasional haven here.....dont gt sucked in to being addicted, ull never get away. i think most of you sibconsciously dont want to give up cutting, neither did i, in a some would think sick way I liked it, and i still do, but i have managed to stop for a long time. by getting addicted to this site you are dwelling on the whole scenario and never letting it escape your thoughts. I was llucky, i managed to find a whole group of friends to spend time with and get my mind off cutting, it might be harder for you but it isnt impossible. just dont stay here, you ll defend it, so did I, but it isnt so great a place. it just makes you dwell and want to cut more and more and more. i defended it, until the ppl here started pissing me off more and more and more. a lot of ppl here, most of whom have ei8ther left or just not posted lately, were full of shit. they were attention seeking, if anyone tried to help they would push them away and whinge about it being there business, they cry bout how nobody cared, leaving empty msgs to worry ppl. and then the others all tried to turn my into some raving religious thing....ive nothing against religion, anyone who remembers Colin, he was very religious but a lovely guy, but to be truthful i beleive being here and trying so hard to help dragged him further and furthey down. dont end up like that. dont get attatched. other ppl, whom i shall leave nameless, beleived religion was the key to every - fuckin - thing.....was Colin happy? no. so that is proof enough in my eyes. i good christian, a lovely guy and still not happy. so forget the relgion, follow what you like but dont be pushed down by other ppl. relgion is just another way of control, dont get too addicted to anything, the board relgion, anything. ill prolly get slagged off for this but i dont care because i have sed nothing hurtful, and if u are offended its becuz u kno i spek only the truth. i have improved 10 times since leacing this place.....the ppl here are on the whole lovely.....it just brings u down though.

Re: jus wanna say...
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 17 01:00:43 2001 (#8760)

Well you had your say. Now I will give you some of mine. It is true I have read post that told us it was the end, we wouldn't be hearing from them again, because they were going to be found lying in a pool of their own blood. And post after post the army came out in force to talk the person out of offing themselves.

It is that "crying wolf" syndrome that gives cutters a bad rap. People think we cut to get sympathy, and attentions.

Well there are plenty of people on here that could get more sympathy and attentions than the ones who cry wolf.

Its been said that I am not a good infuence on the board because I'm 49 and still cutting, or the fact that I've been cuttng for 13 years, and now you implide that being a Christian isn't anything special because we are still in pain, and cutting.

I can't speak for the person you spoke of, but I can speak for myself. The Bible says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. Meaning good and bad things happen to everyone. Believer or nonbeliever.

The life I've lived, the people I've lived with, and choices I made brought me to my knees and I had a mental breakdown. Professors, psychologists, counselors, and psychiatrists, have said it is unbelievable I'm still alive, and even more amazing that I am still believing in God and hoping that tomorrow will be better than today.

I have my bad day, sometimes its several days before I am back to fighting for my life.

That is what I believe most of us on here are doing. We are fighting for our lives.

Yes this place can be addicting. I check out the board several times a day. Not so I can have a pity party. But to see how people are getting along.

When I was in my darkest days I didn't have a telephone. When things were really bad I asked a guy with severe mental illness to walk to a phone booth so I could call a crisis hot line. And most of the time none of them knew what cutters were or how to help them.

I've had to go through the thick of it alone. And I worked hard. And I have more good days than bad. And I believe I am still alive because Jesus Christ has helped me reach out for help when I overdosed, when I cut, when I looked over a bridge and comptemplated jumping off.

I am not trying to make converts here. I am here to support people who need a comforting word, or a hand up out of a pit of dispare.

I do not keep secrets locked inside me and I try to encourage others to let their secrets and the reasons why they cut out in the open, because keeping them inside gives them power, outside their not so big, and often we can recognize them as lies we've been told, like we are crazy, bad, stupid, no good. I am none of those. My mother was a liar. She was mean and cruel. And I don't need to punish my body for her lies. And if I can get others who've experienced similiar things to come to that revelation then my being here is why God brought me here.

Re: jus wanna say...
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 02:14:33 2001 (#8766)

goodness...I dont what to think about all of this...We are all sick people no matter what, we can recover and never cut again but we are still sick..(not sick as in disgusting but sick as in ill) Like Ive said many times before if you feel in your heart that this board at one point or another made you cut then either dont visit as often, e-mail all of us! we'd love to talk. =) Be selective in the posts you read or make the decision not to return. I am not telling any of you to leave, this board was actually going pretty well, we have had some commotion in the past few days and its like when one came then all did. but thats just how life is right? Dawn, I didnt know that you were 49..wow..Im sorry that you have had to indure cutting for 13 years, I hope you get well..I am only 16..been harming myself almost 2 years..and I already know it is fading...I am no longer addicted to drugs and selling my body, my parents dont beat me anymore..sure the pain of my past is still there and very strong inside me. but hell I cant change the past, and I can only look forawrd to tomorrow as a new fresh start. take care EVERYONE! LOVE YOU! E-MAIL ME!!!

Re: jus wanna say...
Posted by Smelly_Ellie on Tue Jul 17 20:14:25 2001 (#8800)

I wasnt trying to say relgion doesnt help, im ssorry i was taken out of context, Dawn overcoming. you sound like a brave and lovely person, all i meant was some ppl get so sucked in by relgion they live their life in a way which does not benefit them at all, ending up more depressed becuz they are living in the shadow of "sin". I think the Bible talk good, it is a great book and talks truth on the majority. BUT i beleive some ppl take it to far, was my point.

"to be forgiven we must first beleive in sin"

I dont beleive in sin because, well, i just dont. i beleive obviously, that we do wrong things.....but i think that some "sins" are the only way out for certain situations. i cant make myself clear, i hope u understand i wasnt completely slating relgion. i understand it does help lots of ppl.

Re: jus wanna say...
Posted by Linda on Wed Jul 18 20:18:10 2001 (#8818)

Hey "Smelly_Ellie"(What a picture that paints....LOL......) Of course you know that I do hold up a personal relationship with Jesus Christ(in contrast to "religion") as the answer to everything. I love analogies, so I will use this: If you have a car that has mechanical troubles, wouldn't you take it to a garage that will attempt to fix the problem because they understand mechanics BUT sometimes even they have no idea what to do. Don't you think it would be great to have a car that a particular, very systematic and careful person put together piece by piece with much thought, so that if you had trouble you could go to that person and he would know what to do about fixing it. Welllllllllll in the same way we serve the God of the universe. There is nothing that He does not know. There is not a person on this earth that has ever thought a thought that He didn't already know about. There is not a situation that He is unaware of or that He is surprised by. He is all-knowing. The matter of sin is something that must be dealt with. Sin is anything that is short of God's expectations. We are sinners by nature and that should get us down EXCEPT that there is an answer to the sin problem. Our sins have already been paid for by Jesus and He offers to take the curse of our sins. Not only that, if you accept His offer, the Holy Spirit will come to live within you to give you power to live your life in a Godly way. I hope someday that you know the joy of giving everything to a God who cares so much for you. Trust in His love, you can't go wrong with that.

Re: jus wanna say...
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:27:09 2001 (#8789)

ur right that it can bring u down...but it's soo hard to leave behind a place where ppl helped u...even though it wasn't always the best help it's all I could ask for from some1! I don't know exactly when I'll be leaving this board but I hope that when I feel like I can leave and be better off I hope everyone else can to! I'm not a big religous person at all as I have said many times b4 so I don't believe a whole lot in god or ne thing! I try to be self-reiliant on everything and I don't wanna bring ne 1 here down! I g2g 4 now! *hugs* Christine

What about this one !
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 17 00:15:41 2001 (#8758)

Void

Void, canceled, simply annulled. Endlessly aching, unconsoled. Life without you, cause without reason. Touch without sense, time without season. I face life now facing a cancerous sore, A sordid parasite that eats at my core. All that makes me whole, all I hold deep within, Leaving me lifeless, or at least not livin'.

A shallow face, anguished and marred. An empty space, scaled and scarred. Sweetly abiding to a cynical charade. Secretly hiding 'hind a fictitious facade. Still, lost within this heart of glass, This fragile and yet unfeeling mass. Lies the remains of a love that glowed, The gift to you I once bestowed.

But honor and pride now bereaved- By your love for me so misconceived, Ripped from my inner depths, impeding- Mind and body and spirit, bleeding; Now's crushed to sand from thy ruthless hand, A cold stare I just can't understand. I feel that somehow, somehow I'm dying, At least my soul and all that's underlying.

A simple void, is that what I've become? The hollowed sphere on a pendulum. Swinging back and forth, emotion to emotion, Never once stopping, nor slowing the motion. No reason, no answer, no justification. The creation of a sterile imagination. Just passing through time as time passes me. Merely a nothing- nothing, merely, left to be. Sightless and soundless, unseen and unheard. Mindless and boundless, obscure and absurd. All empathy lying ungraced, unemployed, I live my life dying, unembraced, a void.

Re: What about this one !
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 17 01:27:25 2001 (#8765)

Very good Emm. I printed it out to show to Tara. She'll love it!! Take care Emm. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: What about this one !
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 17 03:50:43 2001 (#8767)

Girl you got it going on!!!!!!!! So you're into poetry. That's good its a good outlet. Keep it up. By the way did you get my e-card?
:-) Dawn

Re: What about this one !
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:31:14 2001 (#8790)

Emm that was great! u right so good! keep it up hun! luv yas! *hugs* Christine

Re: What about this one !
Posted by girl on Wed Jul 18 20:16:55 2001 (#8817)

wish i had ur strength

*triggering* be careful!!!!
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 17 04:42:49 2001 (#8769)

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to post rthois or not, but I'm not ready to "talk" about it yet in real life, so here I am. (Besides, it relates.) OK, so yesterday afternoon I'm minding my own business and I run into a guy I know, who I haven't seen in about 3 years. We were never really friends, but he was cool and someone to hang out with, so we did every once in a while. So anyway, I ran into him and we started talking and it was fine. So flash forward about an hour and I'm at his apartment watching a movie and one thing leads to another and he's hitting on me pretty hard. I am not into it, so I'm gently trying to give him the hint that this ian't groovy behavior, but he's not taking the hint. So, flash forward some more, and he's REALLY not listening and things are REALLY getting out of hand and I'm fighting him off with everything in me. Long story short, (too late) I wasn't raped, but it got pretty damn near close and I'm scratched and bruised and really not doing well emotionally. So I got home from work today and just couldn't take it anymore, so I cut pretty bad. I mean, bad for me. No stitches or anything, but they are much deeper than I regularly go. So, that's what's going on, and I don't know what to do with myself. This is just one more thing that I have to live through, and I'm getting sick of it. The good thing is that I see my therapist on Wed., so I can tell her about it and get dealt with. I just... I don't know. This is not a good thing. Oh well, enough of that.

Re: *triggering* be careful!!!!
Posted by kat on Tue Jul 17 05:09:36 2001 (#8770)

I cant tell you anything Ive ever done in the past to deal with problems bc all of them are shitty suggestions, but I truly hope you get better. Im very sorry that happened to you, I am. Take care..Im so glad your alright..try not to cut..it really wont help your emotional state at alll..=) e-mail me if youd like. -love-

charges
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 17 08:40:16 2001 (#8781)

I am really not sure if this is what you want to hear, but I figure everyone needs to be told it when they are put in a situation like the one you (luckily) got out of. Even if he didn't rape you, you can charge him. As someone who has gone through shitloads of this stuff, and seen it even more, I know that every single violation of someones boundaries are significant. You have the right to charge him and if you want to you can. Think about it. And it is most definately a good idea to talk to you therapist about it. Anyways, take care, and I hope you are okay.

ps- I you want to charge him, you have to get you scratches and bruises looked at quickly as they are 'evidence'. You can file a report now and wait until later to decide if you want to proceed or not. But you have to act fairly quickly.

Re: *triggering* be careful!!!!
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:39:48 2001 (#8791)

u shouldn't feel bad...he's just too think headed to get a hint! guys don't back off easily! my ex tried to rape me b4! he wouldn't let go of me and treated me like a sex object in front of my friends! even when I pushed him off he'd come right back! don't blame urself or hurt urself...I know it's hard not to...but he needs to learn how to back off and u didn't do ne thing wrong! I hope u feel better! *hugs* Christine

I need to explain.....
Posted by Dawn....overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 17 05:19:46 2001 (#8772)

I believe I have shared detail of my life and my cutting history, but since Kat didn't understand that I'm 49 and have been cutting myself for 13 years. I need to explain.

What do I need to explain...That is a question even my friend Paul asks.

I don't know anyone ages on this board, but I do know that most people who SI are teenagers. But there are others who I have heard are adults like myself.

I lived basically a normal life. A mother and father, three sister, a brother and an adopted brother. My father was in the service and we moved from town to town, state to state. We were disciplined mainly by my mother in the usual ways, back hands blooding our lips, switches (we chose ourselves), razorstraps, boards with nails in them, knuckles pounded into our skulls.

Then when I was 10 my father slit both wrists and life became abnormal. I quit feeling. I didn't know how to love or how to be loved. I began to run away from home. So while many of you teenagers are staying home and cutting I was running away and getting raped, only I didn' know it was rape. And I didn't even know it really happened until 13 years ago when I finally found myself in a place of safety. With no one beating me, no one threatening to kill me, no one forcing me to have sex with them.

I was going to college at the age of 36 when professors began teaching me about repressed feelings and memories, and suddenly what I had assumed was normal was shown to me as abnormal. And everything that ever happened to me came back in a flood of bits and pieces.

That is how repression works. The horrors I did not want to know happened came alive. And before the clouds blew away I had written in a journal over 150 different people who raped and molested me from the time I was in diapers.

I couldn't cope with all the memories and the shame and started cutting to keep from killing myself.

I was a basket case to say the least. But I have survived, first the assault, and second the remembering. I am doing much better. But a life like mine is not so easy to come away from unharmed. I can never go back to not remembering. I cannot erase the images that have been etched onto my mind. However, with therapy some of them are fading. And as I've said before I have more good days than bad. I have a man who loves me even with my scars, both inside and out, and he listens and remembers things about my stories I had not connected before.

I don't want you to harm your bodies as I have harmed mine. And the only way I know for it to stop is for you to examine your lives and see what drives you to SI.

Is is your parents, is it abuse, sexual, emotional, physical. There is hope and freedom in truth. I believe everyone on this board can put an end to SI if they get to the bottom of the source of pain.

If you think I'm too old, too messed up, too long at the habit of turning emotional pain into physical pain then tell me and I will leave. I don't beg for love from anyone anymore, and I don't stay where I'm unwanted, or it appears I'm doing more harm than good.

I think this board is a place of healing but the last few days "old-timers" seem to have brought havoc here. I don't do stress. And although I'm feeling strong, weakness can sweep in and lay me flat.

I will take some time off. This is a discussion board, discuss amongst yourselves if I am a hinderance or an asset. My email address is on every posting. Anyone can email me. I don't hide behind names or titles. My name is Dawn Hensley and I will overcome, because God has me in the palm of his hand.
:-) an overcoming-1

Re: I need to explain.....
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 05:28:54 2001 (#8774)

thanks for posting that Dawn. =) I can only speak for myself when I say that I would love for you to continue to keep posting here,you have helped me sooo much more then you will ever know, I couldnt explain it in words. I will e-mail you,Thank you for those e-mails. Love ya Dawn =)

Re: I need to explain.....
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 17 10:17:51 2001 (#8782)

dont stop.remenber my e-mail. i care about you so much!! if that is your wish though i will e-mail you instead.

hugs emma xxxx

Re: I need to explain.....
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:47:54 2001 (#8792)

Dawn, That sux to have all that coming back or even happening in the 1st place I wish I could make it all go away! but my cutting is my safe haven from ne thing the world tries to beat me out w/! I'm happy u have some1 that loves u both inside and out...something not many ppl have! u r a great person to the ppl on this board and an inspiration that there is hope of overcoming and finding someone who cares and loves u both inside and out! *hugs* Christine

a proposition for everyone....
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 17 05:38:14 2001 (#8775)

well, although I do belive that the voice of reason is acting like an inflated goats dick, 'it' (for lack of knowing their gender) has given me a thought to propose to you guys. Now, I assume that most people here may have problems expressing their anger, as I have, so I have a bit of an exercise for all of you.

1) rate situations on a scale of one to ten on whether you think an average person would feel angry, and how angry. Try to think of why you have the right to feel angry in that situation.

2) be assertive. Figure out who is at fault for your anger. if it is some guy who rear-ended you in the parking lot, get out, and tell him 'nicely' (but not wussy-like) why you are angry. If they don't respond with apologies or appropriate reactions, get angry. You have the right to... I guess what I am saying is find a situation where it is reasonable to be angry and let it out. DON'T keep shoving it down. Keep practicing it. You will get better at it.

take care, lyssie

take care... lyssie

Re: a proposition for everyone....
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 05:43:59 2001 (#8776)

Thanks thats helpful

Re: a proposition for everyone....
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:50:17 2001 (#8793)

those r good ways...I'll try um sometime! *hugs* Christine

PPL I AM BACK!
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 17 06:41:12 2001 (#8777)

Ok so I was only gone for a short time. I was incredibly distraught from leaving. You all have become my second home, my safe haven when I need comfort. I love you all so dearly, I cannot truly express my feelings of thankfulness and love I feel towards all of you.

Anyways the reason I am back is because I have a dear friend who explained to me step by step how to clear my history and have it automatically delete itself. ::big sigh of relief:: So I am back. There are a ton of messages I didn't get to read because I found out about the history. I'll try to catch up, but wow, there's a bunch up there.

Ok...well stay safe everyone! That's all from me for now!

Re: PPL I AM BACK!
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 17 10:24:09 2001 (#8783)

yey!!!!! your back!!! so glad to see you. im fine. i hope you are too. lokking out for you always!

your friend emma xxxx

Re: PPL I AM BACK!
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 16:21:53 2001 (#8785)

Im glad your back. =)

Re: PPL I AM BACK!
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:52:42 2001 (#8794)

*me*, OMG I'm soo happy ur back...I thought u were gone for good! I don't think I could stand too miss u at all! e-mail me sometime! *hugs* Christine

shut up!!!
Posted by kylie on Tue Jul 17 07:57:23 2001 (#8778)

shut up... why are these voices inside my head? i just want them to go away... i cant live much longer... they tell me what to do one of them being to hurt myself and others. i dont want to hurt others so ive stuck to just hurting myself. it hurts and i dont want to but i cant stop. fuck it... i cant take it much longer...

Re: shut up!!!
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 16:24:14 2001 (#8786)

sweetheart..calm down. Breath..I had voices, they were awful and frightening and they were telling me to do such horrible things to myself and others including my mother..dont worry. You arnt alone..talk to your doctor like immediatly. They can stop those voices, or at least slow them down..I take strong medicine to slow them down, and trust me it soo helps.!!! take care e-mail me -love-

Re: shut up!!!
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:55:34 2001 (#8795)

Kylie calm down hun! ur gonna be ok...they go away sometime they all go away! u just gotta stick it thru and ignore the bad 1's! go out and do something get ur mind off it! *hugs* Christine

gaining weight and not at all happy...
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 17 08:31:53 2001 (#8780)

well, I am 5'10" and I weighed 105 lbs last time I checked like a month ago. Then, I was at a friends house, and I made the big mistake of stepping on her scale... I have gained almost 30 lbs. I feel so disgusting, I just want to do SOMETHING to get rid of this fat. I can see it too, all over my body and it makes me absolutely sick. I mean, other people's size does not bother me, but I cannot deal with any amount of fat on my own body, and right now I feel absolutely horrible and gross. I mean, my doctor says I should gain at least 20 more lbs, but I swear I think he was joking.... I feel terrible.....

Re: gaining weight and not at all happy...
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 16:26:58 2001 (#8787)

ah..I have the same problem, they said it was bc of my meds. I am 5'3 and I weighed about 130, now Im 150, my goodness!! I feel like such a gross person. I know that yuor weight doesnt matter, but it does matter to me!! I used to be ok with it, but now Im really not, I guess exercise and eat right is all you can do,.Im sure you know the key to loosing weight is not to starve yourself..take care. -love-

Re: gaining weight and not at all happy...
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 19:58:31 2001 (#8796)

hun don't worry about it it's absolutely normal...if u didn't gain weight or ne thing then something would be wrong! don't be soo distraught about it! it's natural! and just becuz u weigh more doesn't mean that some isn't muscle! e-mail me! *hugs* Christine

Re: gaining weight and not at all happy...
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 17 23:28:03 2001 (#8802)

see, I know that my weight isn't going up in muscle, or I would be a lot more comfortable about it. But you see, I am not able to work out very much (I am not allowed to go more than once a week for 3-4 hours), I am not allowed to take more than hour long power walks, and I am only allowed to do 1/2 an hour a day of stretches and things like sit ups, which is all spent doing physiotherapy stuff (only stretches). See, when I was admitted into the hospital, I had an extremely low body fat percentage, because I worked out so much. Now, I am not allowed to do more than this, because otherwise I over-obsess about it and do like I did before. I would go to the gym 4-5 times a week, for 4-5 hours, and then I would jog or run for 2 hours, and I was so sick. I couldn't even tell then. Thing was, I was eating too, so I don't know how I managed to keep it all off (the fat at least). It was really fucked up. But anyways, My body fat is still under 15%, but I feel so gross, and I can see the fat... I just feel so bad about it.... I mean, I saw someone my height and weight, and I told them they looked very underweight, but when speaking of my own body, any fat is bad.

Thank you for the support
Posted by Reflection in the Blade on Tue Jul 17 13:40:36 2001 (#8784)

Thanks to everyone who helped me with the website || Slatted | Visions || (http://www.envy.nu/slatted) It is now up and running and reciving about 50 unique visitors a week despite the fact that the envy server is experiencing lots of down time. I have created a supportive newsgroup called "Patchwork Skin" (go to http://www.groups.yahoo.com/gr oup/Patchwork_skin to sign up) All messages are sent to your email address so you don't have to come and check for messages or replies. I am hoping to make this as sucessful as the website as i had so many emails of praise. Hope you can be as supportive as you were before. Stay Safe Amanda

Re: Thank you for the support
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 20:00:33 2001 (#8797)

Amanda, I'll visit ur website as much as possible! I hope it does good! take care! *hugs* Christine

Re: Thank you for the support
Posted by Reflection in the blade on Thu Jul 19 20:32:13 2001 (#8858)

Thanks Christine, i so hope i can do some good. I figure if i focus all my self-injourous energy into helping myself and others we'll all survive. Nice sentiment huh? I only hope i am strong enough to succeed Stay Safe, ~Amanda~

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 17:50:04 2001 (#8788)

Help me.........

Re: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 17 20:01:45 2001 (#8798)

KAT what's wrong? tell me! please! I wanna help! if there's ne thing wrong I'm here for u! *hugs* Christine

Re: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 17 20:03:11 2001 (#8799)

sweet heart! i dont know how coz i dont know whats up. tell me or e- mail me and i'll help you all i can.

all i can say for now is cheer up and stay safe!

emma xxxx

Re: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Posted by Rabbit on Wed Jul 18 05:38:03 2001 (#8804)

Hang in there sweetie. I don't want to say that it will be ok, because I don't know what's going on, but still... The intensity will pass. Just try to get by for one more day and tomorrow will indeed come. Take care.

Re: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 19 02:20:33 2001 (#8827)

What do you need help with sweetie? Please let me know and I'll try to help if I can. Stay strong KAT, we need you around. Write me if you want to. Love, Rhonda

leaving
Posted by Sharon on Tue Jul 17 21:11:00 2001 (#8801)

Hey everyone,

It's time for me to go. There's a lot of stuff that's going on with me right now and I need some time to figure it out on my own. I love all you guys but even here, in this "safe place" I often feel the need to be strong, supportive, and to hide my feelings. That's my problem, none of you have caused it, so don't feel bad or anything. I just need to be able to deal with everything right now without feeling like I have to be strong for other people. Yeah, I guess that's selfish. I don't know. Well, at any rate, I couldn't leave without telling all of you how great you've been and everything. I love all of you and I know that you can all make it. If anyone needs me or anything, you have my e-mail, and my screen name is duffering1233. Good luck to all of you.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: leaving
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 18 02:48:57 2001 (#8803)

Sharon, I wish u didn't have to leave but I guess it's for the better! I hope u can get past this and become happier! not wanting to support others in ur time of need is not selfish...ur doing the right thing! u shouldn't hide ur feelings here but alot of ppl do ne ways...it's not just u! I'll miss u! write me sometime my e-mail address is listed! *hugs* Christine

Re: leaving
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 18 06:26:32 2001 (#8805)

Awe Sharon sweetie, I wish the best for you. Feel free to come back if you ever want to, we'll be waiting with welcoming arms. Take care, and stay safe.

Lots of love

Re: leaving
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 18 19:31:07 2001 (#8813)

Take care of yourself. E-MAIL me ANYTIME AND I WILL respond. -love- =)

Re: leaving
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 19 02:22:02 2001 (#8828)

Take care of yourself Sharon. If you need to talk to anyone, just drop me a line at my e-mail. Love ya, Rhonda

Alone
Posted by Erica on Wed Jul 18 07:11:39 2001 (#8806)

Hi All, I've been searching the net for days looking for someone who will understand. It'll be two months tomarrow since I overdosed. I want to cut, but know I can't, yet still I want to. I want his hands off me. I cut hoping I'll be repulsive to him, yet still the nightmares happen. I just want to know that I'm not alone. I'm scared of being alone, the only one who cuts. I feel safe in numbers. If I only had someone there to tell me they know what it feels like, that everything will be okay. I'm tired of the looks I get when people see my scares. They don't know me, why should they judge. I just want to be normal.

Erica

Re: Alone
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Jul 18 08:08:38 2001 (#8808)

Normal? What is this normal that you speak of?

And you're not alone. I know what it's like to have someone not keep their hands off you. For the better half of my teen years I'd wear my hair like Jessica Rabit [from Who Frammed Roger Rabbit?] to hide the dark ring around my eye. And then with another guy I had to wear layers of clothes and pray he wouldn't try to take them off. Make a note not to come to Iowa, USA.

Here for you, Lindsey

Re: Alone
Posted by emm on Wed Jul 18 14:09:25 2001 (#8809)

Erica! hi im emma. no dont worry, your not alone. although i have never had your problem with men, i am definatly a cutter. you'll be suprised about just how many people are in the same situation you are.

dont feel alone and trapped. come and post here and we'll all help you get thruogh your tough times or e-mail me with your worries. im always here if you need someone.

hugs emma xxxx

Re: Alone
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 18 19:23:54 2001 (#8811)

I totally understand all these feelings everyones explainging. I have been there before, I have felt it and maybe even in some cases I have gone beyond it into something worse, or different. The scars are there sweetie, people will always look, but its bc they dont understand, and you cant make people understand but you can try and make them accept the truth and live with it. I hope you dont cut, cutting is not the answer ever, I know I know..I should listen to myself..easier said then done right? =) take care sweetheart, Im always here for you e-mail me please! -love-

Re: Alone
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 18 20:51:34 2001 (#8820)

Erica, ur not alone! no one is ever alone! and there is no normal...everyone is different when it comes to different things! I'm here for u if u ever need to talk! *hugs* Christine

Re: Alone
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 19 02:28:34 2001 (#8829)

Hi Erica, While I'm not a cutter, my daughter is. I try to support everyone here and maybe put a different point of view out. Tara just hates it when people stare at her arms and legs. I think she would know how you feel. She was raped when she was 14 and the guy still lives here in our town! YOu can write to her and she will tell you more about her story. This is a really good place to come to let your feelings loose. You will get all kinds of support here so just keep writing. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: Not Alone here
Posted by Dawwn....overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 19 07:04:29 2001 (#8839)

Hi, I'm Dawn, a 49 year of cutter. I've been cutting to 13 years since my mind broke open and spilled out memories of people's hands and other body parts on me. Trust me cutting, hot baths, or endless showers, scrub brushes, or steel wools pads can't take them away. But a treatment called E.M.D.R. can free our minds to release the trauma. It works.

I know I'm older, but pain transcends age differences. I've been beaten by my mother, molested for the first to years of my life by my father, and I've been raped so many times by so many people, because I didn't know I had any power to stop it.

Now I have that power, and I have a voice. I have people who believe me. And I have a man in my life that loves me and protects me, and all I have to do is push one button on my phone and say help and before I can hang up the phone he is by my side.

My life has changed so much, and I wan't others to know it can change for them too. I like to send e-cards, so I hope you don't mind that I begin sending you some. If it bothers you email me and tell me so. Love and hugs. Dawn...overcoming-1

Ah shit ...
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Jul 18 07:59:20 2001 (#8807)

I burned a large piece of my flesh off my body.

Scratched the hell out of my wrist.

Have no idea why. Nothing triggered it, and I've been SI-free for a while now.

Have no desire to leave the house, but must to go up to my sisters and stay with her for two weeks. [She needs "emotional support;" where was she when I wanted to kill myself?]

*sighs* ... and I think I'm falling in love with the best man in the world, but I can't fall in love because I don't deserve it.

Try to talk sense into me, I won't listen.

Re: Ah shit ...
Posted by emm on Wed Jul 18 14:14:45 2001 (#8810)

hia. its me again. hmmmm - burning like that and scratching like that cant be a good sign. is it because you want this bloke to like you ??? i dont know. if it was just spontanious i get where your comming from. ive done it before just coz i felt like i hadnt done it in a while.(crazy huh! )

if your off, i'll see you later. have fun. dont go crazy though! stay safe and i hope you do find the love of your life!

hugs emma xxxx

Re: Ah shit ...
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 18 19:29:23 2001 (#8812)

well Im not here to talk sence into you, bc for one..I have very little sence in myself. I dont rationalize anything..but let me tell you that, you deserve love, everyone does, every single person..even you. Even those people who have murdered raped and done other terrible things, yes they all deserve love. The right kind of way, not manipulative or overpowering. just pure. Burning is very dangerous, as well as cutting. But from my expierences burning does take ALOT longer to heal then cutting. I wish I could sit there and be with you every second to insure your safety, but sweeyie I cant. please take care of yourself!! -love-

Re: Ah shit ... [thanks girls!]
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Jul 18 19:47:31 2001 (#8814)

Thank you bunches Emm and KAT! *hugs to both* And Emm, about not going crazy, I already am!! WOO-HOO-HOO! *frolics around like a crazy person*

*giggles* I'm hyper, I leave in about three hours. While I'm gone, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!!

*hugs & kisses*

ok so im leaving and ........well thats it
Posted by girl on Wed Jul 18 20:31:39 2001 (#8819)

im so happy because today i found my friends they re in my head im so ugly but thats ok cos so r u we ve broken our mirrors. and just maybe im to blamed for all ive heard but im not so sure.i miss u - im not gonna crack. dont hurt yourself i want some help to help myself i promise u i have been true let me take a ride dont hurt yourself i want some elp to help myself.

dont tell me what i wanna hear afraid of never knowing fear experience anything you need i ll keep fighting jealousy until its fucking gone.

ok so im going now and maybe one day i will come back to see y'all. so take care and um dont forget that we can survive and one day i will make it im sure now and i will smile and remember us and hope that we all make it so i need help but so what, oh nevermind...

love girl

wish i could help but now its too late c u all sometime someplace we will never know i could have been next to u on the bus today in front of u buying a choc bar driven past u ina car..... we will never know

ok so dance in the rain and laugh every now and agaian and e mail me and dont listen to a word i say and its all true

my screen name is sublimecandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: ok so im leaving and ........well thats it
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 18 20:56:09 2001 (#8821)

I'll miss u soo much...please write me 1ce in a while! I need to hear from u every now and then...as a friend or support I'm here! don't forget me! I wont forget u! luv ya! *hugs* Christine

Re: ok so im leaving and ........well thats it
Posted by emm on Wed Jul 18 22:15:41 2001 (#8823)

Miss you lots !!!

oh well. i thinks its for the best if you do. i'll be thinking of you.

Emma xxxx 100000 hugs!

Re: ok so im leaving and ........well thats it
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 18 23:35:00 2001 (#8825)

Oh sweet girly..please take care of yourself, thats all I gots to tell ya! and I love ya! for all its worth, also cool e-mail, I LOVE SUBLIME!!

Re: ok so im leaving and ........well thats it
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 19 06:35:55 2001 (#8836)

I wish you well. Take care of yourself. I will miss you bunches but understand if you have to leave. It's true what you say about us meeting somewhere, but not knowing who we are. I do hope that someday, we can all meet in a better place and know that, a long time ago, we helped each other. Ok I'm blabbering. Be well, girl.

Lots of love

...her breathing stopped...there's no pulse...
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 18 21:04:22 2001 (#8822)

I'm soo sry to everyone it's all happening again...I can't stop it but it can stop me! I'm bleeding right now and I don't think it's gonna stop ne time soon...and I'm feeling weak and helpless like Hell! everything confuses me and it's just too much to handle now! I'm too weak and stupid to go on! I can't even stop for a week now! I'm sry! I wish I could understand it all...I wish someone would just notice me and hug me and say everythings gonna be ok! but there's no one around so I guess there will never be! *hugs*...something needed now! Christine~ I've lost the battles...now I loose the war

Re: ...her breathing stopped...there's no pulse...
Posted by emm on Wed Jul 18 22:23:56 2001 (#8824)

Christine, dearest christine. my heart goes out to you. ive just read your post and im crying for you. you are a friend to me and its breaking my heart to see you like this. i wish i could be there to hold you and comfort you. if i was in the same country i would drive a million miles to be with you if it meant making you feel better.

but.... your in america or somewhere far away.

please, stop the blood dripping. i cant bear to picture you lying dead. your a good friend and i care about you. alot. dont say that youve lost the battle, you havent, youve just given in, but you can stand up and fight.

its hard but i know you can do it. your a strong person and you always will be.

i trust you and belive that you can. please keep fighting. your worth saving and no matter what you'll always have someone out there who cares about you... me...

emma xxxx

Re: ...her breathing stopped...there's no pulse...
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 18 23:38:21 2001 (#8826)

nooo Christine, no you have not lost anything, I am here to assure you and comfort you. Plesase when you are feeling this kind of low e-mail me, Ill get to you as soon as I can, I promise, like I told girl, I love you for all its worth. No ones lost the battle, actually we are pretty strong fighters from what ive seen, especially you sweetheart!!dont give up!! take care of yourself, your the only one like you! =) and thats precious. -love-

Re: ...her breathing stopped...there's no pulse...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 19 02:38:51 2001 (#8830)

If I could be there, I would just hold you, Christine. YOu would get all kinds of hugs from me, but I can't be there. Please know that I'm holding you in my mind and praying you're okay. If the bleeding won't stop, get some help! We can't loose you girl. You mean a lot to a lot of people here. I'm sure it's gonna be hard, I can't say I know cause I don't know how hard it really is for any of ya'll. I've just been on the sidelines watching Tara go through all this and I've seen how hard it is for her sometimes. That's one thing I find confusing about all this, one day you're fine and the next it seems you're in the depths of hell fighting a huge battle I know nothing about. But through it all, know that I will always be here for you and everyone else. Please take care Christine. We all love you and wnat you to be okay. Let us know. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: ...her breathing stopped...there's no pulse...
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 19 06:41:04 2001 (#8837)

(((((((((((((((((((Christine)) ))))))))))))))) Ok that's the best I can do right now for a hug. Please know how much you mean to us all here. How much you mean to me. Please know that you are a beautiful and special person. Try to get the bleeding to stop. I know how scary it can be when there's the blood everywhere. Be safe. I will keep you in my prayers.

Lots of love

Re: .PLEZ GOD let there be a pulse
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 19 09:41:57 2001 (#8843)

Christine, The way this time thing is it could be a whole day after your posting that I am reading it. I have no idea where you live, how you're doing this minute, but I know that God Knows. I don't know if you believe in him, but he's right there with you with his arms stretched wide, to comfort you, to save your life, not just today but for all eternity.

I care about you. I'm crying wanting to be there to hold you and get you through this crisis. In my mind I'm there, and in my prayers you are in Gods hands. We on the board love you. You deserve all the love any of us can give. But we are far away. But God is right there, just whisper his name, Oh please whisper his name. Don't die on us. We love you. WE don't want to lose you. whisper the name of Jesus. He's right there.

I know. I know. Hang on to life.

sorry its long just wanted to share
Posted by jen on Thu Jul 19 02:53:21 2001 (#8831)

as i travel down this road, i feel as though im all alone. i try to walk with my head held high, but they dont see me as they pass right by. i want to scream and i want to shout, someone see me, i need your help! instead i go to where im safe, in a corner with my blades. is this a curse, or is this a blessing? must be a curse for i feel disgusting. dirty and spoiled with no way to be clean, how long can i endure being unseen? is this the way it was supposed to be? God please tell me you have more for me! more than this life of hidden secrets and shame, but what can i expect i have only myself to blame. i long for arms to hold me tight, and tell me that ill be alright. could this be real, or is it just a dream, that someone could love even me? inspite of the truth,which are the secrets untold, if this person is real, it is for them i long to hold. i dont think that this will ever come to be, for there is no one that could love all of me. i am trying so hard to live my life right, but i do not think that i will win this fight. i fight against what i know must be wrong, but it is the only thing that makes me feel strong. i feel as though i am in to deep, and this decepition has me beat. my strength is weakness in a mere disguise, that will not be uncovered by unwilling eyes.

Re: sorry its long just wanted to share
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 19 03:34:40 2001 (#8832)

That is really good Jen, keep writing. Love, Rhonda

Re: sorry its long just wanted to share
Posted by diana on Thu Jul 19 04:06:25 2001 (#8834)

hey man.. that was really good. my poem sucked compared to u lol. but its good that u are able to express what u are thinking. xoxo

Its a poem..
Posted by Diana on Thu Jul 19 04:03:49 2001 (#8833)

Hey guyz.. i thought i should post this poem that i made up last night. I'm only 14, so its not really good.

Flashback... You hear the one word, molesting, and your mind begins spinning. Your heartbeat grows faster, and you close your eyes even tighter. You see a guy laying on top of you, in a bed, but you can't picture his head. You can feel his hands & body parts creeping all over you, but there's nothing you can do. All of a sudden you open your eyes, and all you hear are your own crys. You feel dizzy & then everything goes blank, like you are suffercated inside a tight tank. You begin to come back to reality, and are now able to consentrate. You realize that was just another flashback, of your horrible past.

Re: Its a poem..
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 19 04:46:28 2001 (#8835)

Nice poem. Im sorry if that poem is true..believbe me I understand all about it.. e-mail me! =)

Re:You captured it perfectly...too perfectly
Posted by Dawn Crying...yet even this will overcome on Fri Jul 20 08:17:10 2001 (#8875)

Diana, I'm sorry at the tender age of 14 you know the reality of the illusion of a flashback.

I report and tell stories in ways I keep a distance between my heart and my mind. I tell the facts with fairly good ease.

But your poem makes my breathing hard, like something heavy is keeping my chest from rising.

There is a scary movie called Eyes Wide Open. Maybe I should write a poem Eyes Shut Tight.

I want to leave my body, I want to ....... ccut

Re: Its a poem..
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 04:48:00 2001 (#9047)

i dont have flasbacks of stuff like that i was never raped or anything like that but i know plenty of ppl who have a very good friend of mine and 2 lil kids i use to babysit....i know u'll hate me if i say this but i wish i was raped ...it would make it all better or so it seems

I don't know what to title it. Read it if you want
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 19 06:54:02 2001 (#8838)

I'm sorry. I know my posts have been kind of sparse lately. I read the posts. I relate to them. But the words don't come to respond. The feelings of..how do I explain..you all know what I mean, the pain, it's getting really really bad again. And I'm sorry for being so wrapped up in myself. But I can't help it. I've said this before but it's true. The pain is swallowing me up. That is the only description I can come up with. I really think I need some help. And you know what p***es me off? You know what my mother said to me the other day? We were watching this show, and this kid, his mother wanted to send him to counseling, and his father didn't want to bc it would "follow him around the rest of his life." And my mom was like, that's the truth. And she went into this big long thing about how she would never ever send a child to therapy no matter what. I didn't say anything but I wanted to tell her that she was a freaking idiot. She made it ultimately clear that she thinks therapy is awful for children. In my head I was like, thanks for caring so much about me. I know that if you attempt suicide you go to a psych ward for three days and they only let you out if you agree to out-patient therapy. And that sounds pretty good to me right now. It would be the only way I could get help. If I did it I wouldn't do anything that could really kill me. But I really don't think I have the guts to do anything like that. I think I will just have to wait two more years. Then I'll be 18. I've waited 4 years. Why should 2 be any different. Thinking of two years right now though, two years of living like this, it makes me sick. I don't know what to do. And this is so long. I'm sorry. If you're still reading, I'm so sorry. I'm useless.

Re: I don't know what to title it. Read it if you
Posted by Diana on Thu Jul 19 07:49:28 2001 (#8840)

You are not useless. No1 is useless unless the give up. So please don't give up. You would miss all the good things in life if u do. So hang in there. Email me if u want.

Re: I don't know what to title it. Read it if you
Posted by jen on Thu Jul 19 08:13:31 2001 (#8842)

ususally i dont respond that much cuz i dont have anything worth while to say, and i dont really this time either, just that, my grandpa feels the same way about therapy or even acknowledging there is even a problem he knows that i cut, well he thinks i stopped cuz one day he told me to and he said it was just that easy. n e ways point being i do know what you are going through and sometimesit is just nice to know that you arent the only feeling and thinking things that you arent sure are crazy or not, like pretending to kill yourself to get help( i have thought of doing that too) ok ill go now. email me anytime luv jen

Re: I don't know what to title it. Read it if you
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 19 13:51:10 2001 (#8847)

oi! dont be sorry! of course i read the whole of you post. anyway, dont try suicide. id miss you way to much if it worked and even if it didnt you end up with internal problems im sure.

forgett about your mum, their all like that, even mind.....well not tara's mum but shes one in a million!

i couldnt bare thinking of loosing you ....so please hang on. if you do need urgent help i have thousands of help lines that could help you a little. let me know if you want them.

other wise couldnt you go and see a doctor or something like that.

if that is no help, e- mail me and i'll be there to help you all i can. or just post me.

i want to help you more but i dont know how.

please look after your self and dont even think about suicide!

hugs emma xxxxx

Re: I don't know what to title it. Read it if you
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 19 16:01:10 2001 (#8853)

First off, you are NOT useless, so don't even say that sweetie. =) Your mom just had her opinion about the topic doesnt mean she wouldnt send you if you really honestly asked for it...if she doesnt then I think you know you can turn to any one of us for help, I know we may not be trained counselors but we knowsome of the feelings your feeling, and we know they suck!! so e-mail me if ya wanna talk, Im always here, take care of yourself, you'll make it. -love-

Re: I don't know what to title it. Read it if you
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 20 01:44:19 2001 (#8867)

Hi ME, I'm sorry your mother acts like that. Maybe I sound like a bitch, but I think your mother needs help if thats the way she thinks. I don't usually talk like this, but this is another case of a parent not giving their child what they need and it really makes me mad. Therapy was the FIRST thing I thought of when we started haveing problems with Tara. It has helped her so much. How could any parent NOT do this?!!! Anyway, please don't hurt yourself inorder to get help. Is there anyone else you can talk to? I'd even be willing to try and talk to your mom. Of course, she sounds like she is already in denial, but I'd be willing to give it a try. Let me know. I care about you like I care for everyone else here and I want you to be okay. You're the same age as my youngest daughter, so my feelings are a little bit stronger with your sitituation. Just know I care about you. Love, Rhonda

To every1 who plied, esp tara's mom....plz read
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 20 06:41:37 2001 (#8874)

Thank you everyone for responding. I still feel like crap. THE FEELINGS DON'T EVER GO AWAY AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!!!!! I really really want to make the pain go away. I just don't know how.

To Rhonda, I feel like such an awful person talking about my mom that way. She really isn't an all-bad person. If she was so bad, she wouldn't give up as much as she does to raise me, right? I feel like such a burden to her though. If I had never been born then after my father died she would have been able to move on with her life. But she had to raise me. And I don't know. I ALWAYS thought if she knew about me, and my SI, she would IMMEDIATELY send me to therapy. But she sees the razor cuts, questions twice if my "scratches" left scars, and never brings it up again. And now I find out she wouldn't send me to therapy because it would "haunt me the rest of my life." Thats a pile of you-know-what. The only thing thats haunting me is her. Am I a terrible person for saying things like that? It makes me feel just terrible but I can't help it, it really makes me quite angry. I have no one to talk to. Well I have wonderful friends, but they would all tell someone, and the school knowing or my mother knowing more than she does would make things worse. I want to talk to a priest at my church but I don't know how to contact him, and although I've wanted to, stuff has been going on and we haven't been to church in a few weeks, and since I can't drive yet it's not like I can do very much about that topic. And even if I had been in church I still wouldn't be able to contact him with out my mother finding out. The only way I can think of to get help is to attempt suicide, but I HAVE NO GUTS TO DO THAT. I feel so lost right now and THE PAIN WON'T STOP!!!! Every single second I feel ready to burst into tears. I don't know if I can wait two years to be 18. I don't know if I can live this way for two more freaking years. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY!?!?!? I'm sorry I'm going on again.

Thank you all for your care. I truly appreciate it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Re:This might be helpful
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 20 08:44:57 2001 (#8876)

There are seveal things you can try. 1. Call a Crisis hot line 2. Call or go to a youth crisis center 3. Write your mother a letter, and either leave it for her to find, or ask her to sit down and listen to the whole thing before she comments, and do not interupt.

I share stories, ask anyone. So I am going to tell you a story. We used often visit my grandmother at a little house she lived at. I didn't like her so I went outside and walked around. I came upon an old man in an alley of sorts and he said some things or touched me, I can't really remember, but when I went back to my grandma's. My mother and her were discussing an old man who some one said he had bothered a little girl in the neighborhood and their reaction was "well she shouldn't have been in the alley in the first place."

needless to say I didn't say a word. Our parents aren't perfect and sometimes they force us to bear things that children ought not to have to bear alone.

Please keep trying to get help. I praise you for knowing you need it. Tell someone. If your mother's pride is bruised it will heal. We are talking about your life... your health

Re: To every1 who plied, esp tara's mom....plz rea
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 21 02:14:24 2001 (#8885)

I hope you didn't think that I thought your mom was bad cause I didn't! I guess maybe I was thinking she just didn't want to deal with anything herself. Dawn is right. Parents aren't perfect. If we were, there would be a lot less problems in this crazy world. I know there are usually a lot of parents in denial about their kids problems cause they don't want to feel they have failed in any way. I felt I had failed Tara at first, but it took having to put her in the hospital for several days to make me wake up and realize she had a real problem. Maybe your mother thinks that the haunting would bother her cause she failed to get you help. I don't know, I'm not your mom. Mom's feel all sorts of things when it comes to their kids. Try talking to her again or write a letter to her. Keep trying to find help any way you can, cause that will help you in the long run. You don't have 2 years to waste till you turn 18. You need some help now! Please tell me you'll keep trying. If I can help let me know. Again, I'm sorry if I hurt you by saying anything bad about your mom. Believe it or not, everyone needs a "mom" in their lives. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Re: To every1 who plied, esp tara's mom....plz rea
Posted by *me* on Sat Jul 21 06:18:01 2001 (#8895)

I'm sorry for making you feel bad about saying that stuff. You didn't hurt me at all. I just..I don't know. As much as I need to express how I feel about her, it still makes me feel bad to talk about her like that (even though it's the truth...argh does that make sense?). I don't know how to keep trying to get help. It is out of the question to talk to my mom or write her a letter. I can't do that. I don't know how to do anything to get help. I just don't know. But thank you for replying. It really does mean a lot to me.

((((( E.M.D.R.))))).....TRIGGETING...but important
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 19 08:02:30 2001 (#8841)

Ok, I tried but I cannot stop coming here. I Cannot stop sharing my life and my journey with you all. No.....I've not licked this thing, or my post-traumatic-stress syndrome, in fact I don't expect God is going to erase my life from my memory, and give me a nice quiet trouble free past. But I believe each day he gives me grace to face whatever I bump over. Some days I react instead of leanning on him, just as some day we use the support we get on this board, but some days we choose to cut instead of reaching out to the board because we set our minds to cut and not reach out.

Ok, now about E.M.D.R.. I won't give you all the technical dope on it. I will tell you that when I was first approached about it and given some literature on it. I thought it was a bunch of hocos pocus. But then I was in very bad shape. overdosing every couple of weeks and was hopistalized too many times. but one time a psyche aid told me about it and said a shrink at the hospital had good results with it. I was desperate enough to try it and was totally amazed at its effectiveness.

Once when I was 17 my girlfriend who worked at a place where men in the military hung out were out with some of the guys. I think about 5 or 6 and the guys asked if we wanted to go back to the barracks with them and play cards. I'd been playin cards since I was 4 or 5 so I said yes.

I did not know we (girls) had to sneak in, but it made it a little more exciting. But the excitement soon took a turn when it was declared we were going to play strip poker.

Ok.....I'm ok telling this, breathe,,,,breathe.

Crying, for my life I was stripped against my will then one after the other the all the guys, both the one to begin with, and the others who's room it was took turns with both of us. Then I had to go pee and they wouldn't let me dress, and one walked me down a long hallway to an open "latreen". I kneww at any moment another service man could need to go to and would see me. I tell you I feared that more than going back to the room.

In E.M.D.R. the shrink moved two fingers back and forth across my feild of vision as I held the memory in my mind, while my eyes stayed focused on the moving fingers. And 60 seconds later I was not inside the building. and the second time after 60 seconds the building was emppty. The third go around I was safe at home.

I went to that shrink for over 6 weeks and almost every word, phrase, or image has ceased to trouble me.

But because life changes and takes twists and turns memories are troubling me. So I told my new counselor it was time to do some more work with EMDR

The biggest drawback is that I must bring up, on demand, a troubling memory and hold it in my mind for 60 seconds.....it seems like a short time most of the time, but when the memory comes alive and you transport yourself, willingly, into it, 60 seconds can feel like an eternety, but the rapid eye movement is the thing that frees up the mind.

I tell you. I'm the biggest sceptic there is when someone tells me. try this or that and your trouble well be over.

well my troubles aren't over. Only anmesia will do that for me. But you see when we begin repressing bad experiences we also repress happy memories as well.

I didn't ramble, and I want you all to know RAMBLING is freeing up your mind of control so that what bothers you can come to the surface and be looked and something be done to fix it. And many times just getting it out in the open takes its power away. I love you all. My heart cries with you. Dawn....I'm overcoming

Re: ((((( E.M.D.R.))))).....TRIGGETING...but impor
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Thu Jul 19 10:05:38 2001 (#8845)

Hey, I know what you mean, about the rambling and what not, it helps. I can't help you, but reading all this has sure made me think. I think I choose to cut too, there' s nothing like it. No one can stop you, only yourself. That's a sad story you told but these things need to be told. It feels better for you when these things are out in the open. Thanks for sharing. I'm pretty young (17), what's E.M.D.R.?

Re: ((((( E.M.D.R.))))).....TRIGGETING...but impor
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 19 13:58:52 2001 (#8849)

YAY your back. im soooooo glad to see you. big hug goes out to you! e.m.d.r ??? sound interesting. maby but still not sure.

other than that how are you? hope you ok. im so glad you came back. your story was a sad one but inturn made me think. it also made me feel ever so bad for you. youve been through sooo much. you have every reason to "ramble"

anyway. go on a bit so i'll stop.

very glad to see you again !! hugs emma xxxxx

Re: ((((( E.M.D.R.))))).....TRIGGETING...but impor
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 19 16:05:11 2001 (#8854)

thanks Dawn, pretty interesting..Im sorry that stuff happened to you sweetie. =) love ya

not another sob story
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Thu Jul 19 09:57:31 2001 (#8844)

Hey, ya, I know I have a problem, I like myself the way I am, I'm totally comfortable with who I am. I cut myself and burn myself and I drink and I take whatever pills I could find and I recently started smoking. I'm on Zoloft, and it left me in an emotional void, I can't cry, can't eat, can't sleep, (can't have an orgasm) (hehehe) ect, ect, ect. But I like who I am , and I know that. I geuss my problem is, am I suppose to like myself when I do these things? cut, burn, smoke, drink, ect

Re: not another sob story
Posted by Dawn....Overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 19 11:11:10 2001 (#8846)

Emily: It is quite obvious you like yourself just as you are, so you don't need anyone telling you there is a better life waiting for you.

I don't burn myself because I've been burned on accident and it left a lasting impression on me. I do not smoke, but I did smoke dope for years and I drank right along with it. It made being my husband's wife (ex) easier to handle, easier to cope with, and easier to deal with my children. Then I came to a day when I wanted more. You obviously don't want the more.

So why are you hear? Oh and by the way I explained EMDR in my posting. But maybe you didn't read that far. And by the way. I do not tell my stories to be sob stories and have ppl feel sorry for me. I share them so that others will know I've been there and I found a way out

Re: not another sob story
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Thu Jul 19 13:55:36 2001 (#8848)

Well, it's just that people act as though they're all sad and stuff, it makes no sense to me because i can't feel anything inside me, I'm totally empty. I understand that some people do tell their stories so that people know that they've been through all that. I geuss I'm here to ask why I feel so good about myself and bad about life. I like the way I am, but am I suppose to? I know this is a whole self discovery thing within myself, but why? Why do I have to feel this way? about everything? I here to find out what's been bugging me. I know there's support here and everything, I just wanna know if there's anyone out there that's like me, all self injurers are different.

Re: not another sob story
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 19 16:11:18 2001 (#8855)

Those things arent exactly you, they are character defectes and actions, but they dont make you whats you, so it prefectly alright to like yourself, Im on Zoloft too, I dont know, its better then Celexa for me so far..I used to be like you, well I dont know if your a drug addict, but I was, Its a miracle Im alive, I know I shouldnt be but I am. be strng, love ya! take care e-mail me

Re: not another sob story
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Thu Jul 19 21:45:58 2001 (#8860)

Hey, thanks for that, I know something's wrong inside me, I just don't know what it is, ok, I understand now, It doesn't mean I have to hate myself just to know when something is not right. I think celexa would work better for me. Zoloft doesn't help me from still being able to cry. I should be able to cry.

Re: not another sob story
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jul 21 03:31:30 2001 (#8890)

Please believe that I don't want to give you the impression that you should hate yourself or anything like that. I'm not sure if there really is a right or wrong answer for that question. I am wondering, though, if you are so happy with yourself then why do you hurt yourself? Is it so that you don't feel numb? I'm just curious as to how cutting (and other things) fit into your life and what it does for you to make you feel better.

Re: not another sob story
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Sun Jul 22 22:21:12 2001 (#8934)

well, I geuss, I do like myself, but the cutting and everything else started when I was young (13) and it just stuck, even when I was happy with everything, not happy, just content with who I am and was. I am a depressed person though. I eguss my question is, does everyone that cuts, hate themselves? I don't, I geuss that's strange....

BLACK ROSE???
Posted by Maggie on Thu Jul 19 14:13:31 2001 (#8850)

Dearest Christine, Please write and let us know you're ok. I just read your last post and I'm sooooo worried about you. I know living can be hard, but there are friends who really genuinely care for you. Don't give up just yet!

Please be fine, Love Maggie.

Re: BLACK ROSE???
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 19 16:49:31 2001 (#8857)

yeah Christine, what she said! =)

I received an e-mail from her, shes..well shes ok in the sence that shes still breathing,.

you'll get through this sweetie!!! love !

Re: BLACK ROSE???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 20 01:23:38 2001 (#8865)

We're all thinking about you Christine! Stay strong! Love, Rhonda

painfully sore - can you help
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 19 15:10:58 2001 (#8851)

hi everyone, i dont know what to do anymore. ive been trying to help myself reacently. not cutting, talking to my friend, going out more, and i was going to phone a help line. i went to phone about an hour ago coz i felt like i needed to cut.

i picked up the phone to call " crisis line" a 24 hr help line. suddenly the answer phone answered saying there was no one to take my call - sorry.

i was sooo angry and upset that i picked up the razor and sliced my arms and legs into ribbons.

they hurt now coz i did about 500 cuts - bit excentric i think. this is becoming comment now and im worried.

i deliberatly wait about three days so as i have room to cut over the old one. not coz im getting better - i just dont have enough skin to cut any more!

its scary thinking that i have cut practically all the sink i have.

what can i do. i need help, not from a useless phone line or therapist who doesnt understand the meaning pf social phobia. real help. this has got to stop.

im in pain now from cutting so much. the pain is unbearable now and the trill has worn off.

please help me. i dont want to live like this anymore!

emma xxxx

Re: painfully sore - can you help
Posted by Emily Hopeless on Thu Jul 19 15:42:44 2001 (#8852)

Well, I think we all have to understand that it's a long hard fight to deal or get over cutting. I cut too. I know that there's only one person that can change and help you, and that's you. It's a battle with yourself that you can give into, like we've all done. It's a battle you can fight and condemn yourself to not cutting, just stop for a little while, then a little while longer, then not so much anymore. The thing is to stick to your promise, and that's the hardest thing. I know that theripy is doing nothing for me and neither are the anti depressants. The trill, what else can you do? enjoy the little things, appreciate the birds, trees, beauty in general. Have things around you that are either useful or beautiful. Get rid of the razors and what not. Good luck, keep talking and keep coming back here, I just got to coming here last night.

-Emily Hopeless

Re: painfully sore - can you help
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 19 16:19:19 2001 (#8856)

First time I went into the hospital, My cuts were nasty! I mean jus gross, and I had alot of stitches and they taught me all those coping skills that you mentioned above, talking to a friend, or ddistracting myself, but they did NOT work, none of them worked. Second time I went in..I was so hopeless, I was waiting there for them to lock up my arms and throw me in a padded cell in the nearest institution, and I was okay with that..they suggested to me that I might have to go there if I couldnt contract for safety, but those damn coping skills NEVER worked, so I guess what works for me, is not being alone, ever..I know thats hard but I have to get a job go to meetings everyday, go places with my family, and all this other stuff then Im so tired at night I just drop...keep busy, e-mail me..Ive been where you are,it sux! I know! love ya

Re: painfully sore - can you help
Posted by Reflection in the blade on Thu Jul 19 20:42:40 2001 (#8859)

To stop cutting you first have to control it. I know that seems obvious and believe me i know *exactly* how difficult it is to do but like any addiction it is most difficult to quit "just like that." Try to lessen your cutting gradually exerting some control over it. If you feel triggered accept that and set a limit. E.g. if i still want to cut in 15 minutes i can make 5 cuts (or something similar.) This way you can learn to contol it a little before trying to stop it. I hope this helps a bit, Stay Safe ~Amanda~

(http://www.envy.nu/sla tted)

Re: painfully sore - can you help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 20 01:21:58 2001 (#8864)

Hey Emm, It's Rhonda. You said your therapist doesn't understand. Find another one. There are good ones out there, sometimes you just have to look really hard. There should also be different numbers for help. Try another number if there is one. Please go to a doctor if the cuts are deep. I know none of this may help, but I couldn't think of anything else. I care about you emm and want you to stay around. E-mail if you need to talk. Love, Rhonda

lock me away please
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 19 22:24:38 2001 (#8861)

i hurt all over, inside out.

HEPL ME PLESES !!! help me. i can do it any more. why does no one care and why does no one realise my pain. id rather be locked away than be alone.

commit me please. i dont want to be ignored when i reach out for help.

i want out stretched arms, a warm smile, a forgiving face. not a shut door and a clod stare.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

kill me please.

Re: lock me away please
Posted by anon on Thu Jul 19 23:06:50 2001 (#8862)

i wont kill u i wont devour u as a dream i wish i could soak away ur pain......stay safe ur needed here.....wen u cry i cry too and u r never ignored here.....

Re: lock me away please
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 19 23:35:59 2001 (#8863)

hey emm, I dont know if youve ever been locked away b4 but Im tellin you its not fun and games. I went to Juvi for 3 weeks, my god..I thought I was going to die in there, seriously, the mental hospitals are like jails but also no where near jails in the way they treat you, so have you ever thought about commit yourself?

It might help... take care, best wishes. -love-

Re: lock me away please
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 20 01:29:55 2001 (#8866)

Emm, You can commit yourself if you really want to. Check around and see if there is a decent place near you. Just please get someone to help you Emm. We need you to stay around. I wish I knew what to do, but I don't. I'll just say extra prayers for you tonight. Know you are loved and thought of often. Love, Rhonda