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Threads 2101 to 2150

? Really Really Important
Posted by Dawn Overcoming-1 on Sat Jul 7 08:05:35 2001 (#8461)

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS by Portia Nelson

1. I walk down a street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost.. and helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. It isn't my fault. It takes a long time to get out.

3. I walk down the same street. There is a deep whole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in... its a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. IT IS MY FAULT. I get out immediately.

4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I WALK AROUND IT.

5. I walk down another street.

Re: ? Really Really Important
Posted by emm on Sat Jul 7 15:12:22 2001 (#8464)

very good advise. just give me awile to work on it. i went shopping with my friend today and i realised just how lucky i am. definatly no need to cut today!!!!

Emma xxxxx

Re: ? Really Really Important
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jul 7 15:24:00 2001 (#8465)

Hey that's cool! It pretty much summarised my life although i still haven't reached steps 4 or 5.

Re: ? Really Really Important
Posted by Sharon on Sat Jul 7 21:53:17 2001 (#8472)

Thanks so much for posting that. I'm printing it out right now and am planning on taping it to my door or some place where I can remind myself to "take another street". Thanks again.

hugs,

Sharon

help me through the urges please guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Sat Jul 7 21:56:10 2001 (#8473)

hey guys

i can't stop thinking about how much i want to cut.i want to feel the blade pierce my skin and feel the blood.i long for the sensation to go through my body as i cut.also the pain.this has nothing to do with the recent break up between me and my ex.we are still talking.the only bad thing is he is moving to my town.weatherford,oklahoma.the reason i am having such bad urges is because i relived my rape through my dreams a couple of nights ago.i am taking it a lot better than i ever thought i would.i am just at my wits end.if i had a razor now i would probaly be cutting as i wrote this to you guys.i feel so ashamed.i have done so good for so long and now i am so close to having to start over.well i am gonna go for now.

LOVE YA ALL,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: help me through the urges please guys!!!!!!!!!
Posted by sara on Sat Jul 7 22:26:38 2001 (#8474)

no guy is worth all of this...don't give up, you can do it. i don't really know what to say, but don't give up, you and i and everyone else know that we can all make it, you will make it, i will make, everyone else will make it. don't give up, don't do it, make it, you will.

sara

Tara...
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 7 23:39:09 2001 (#8475)

Tara, Please don't cut...ur message helped me stop and hold off my long awaited suicide! I relive sexual abuse almost all the time in my dreams...I haven't slept good in days and the only way to actually sleep good right now is thru pills that numb my dreams so I see nothing! u r important to me and ur very strong...u can get thru this! even if u do slip or think about picking up the razor it's not gonna make me think ne less of u...just making it this long w/o cutting makes me soo proud of u...so slipping now and then will never make me less proud! don't feel ashamed...I will always b here for u as long as I can! *hugs sis* Christine

Re: Tara...
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Sun Jul 8 03:50:51 2001 (#8478)

Tara, sweety: I know what you are going through. My nightmares have pretty much gone away because I take lots of medication so I pass out and sleep sometime 12-14 hours.

I remember waking up from a nightmare of every guy who passes me reached out and grabed my boobs. When I woke up I took my scissors and cut my boob..... wrong things to do... not good at all....trust me.

The next day I went to a novelty shop that sold t-shirts. I asked if she could put anything on it I'd like. She said yes and together we created a message that speaks better than I can.

The shirt is hot pink (my favorite color) and in bold black letters it says DON'T TOUCH ME. I wore the shirt for days. And my nightmares stopped.

When I tell my stories I relive the rapes, the words spoken by my rapists, and I feel sad... My arms are scared..... yet I still remember, and feel pain, and shame, and I hate my body, and I want to punish it for attracting rapists and being stupid. But cutting doesn't erase what happened, or how I feel about it.

Its hard to "not Do anything" but you are doing something when you post how you feel and what you want to do.

You have plenty to feel angry about. but I don't believe you are the one to pay for it. But I used to cut because somebody should be punished and since the somebodies weren't around and I was I punished myself.

You don't have to be like me. You have your mom and all of us on the board to tell you we care. I had no one, just my scissors Hang in there. We all care. Dawn

Re: Tara...
Posted by Sharon on Sun Jul 8 20:29:11 2001 (#8485)

Oh gosh, urges suck don't they? Sometimes they can completely take over your mind. Just know that even if you cut, it's just a setback. It doesn't disqualify or erase your cutfree days. And it won't make us love you any less. I will always be proud of you, and you mean so much to so many people, I hope you know that. We're here for you, k?

BIG hugs,

Sharon

thanx...
Posted by black rose on Sat Jul 7 23:41:28 2001 (#8476)

thank you for the uplifting messages I really need them lately! I'm just a walking ball of depresion lately! I'm sry about missing messages I haven't really had time to respond to them! I'll try to respond to as many as possible! *hugs* Christine

what is the point of my existence?
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 8 00:33:36 2001 (#8477)

I hate myself. I am a big burden to everyone. My father is dead and my mother has had to raise me alone. I have ruined her life. I have a half-brother I have never even met. He has never tried to contact me or do anything. He could care less. I tell people I am an only child. But there is this empty feeling when I do that. Every time I say I'm an only child I feel dishonest because I HAVE a brother, yet I DON'T. How can I consider him a brother? I don't even have a picture of him. My friends are great, and I love them, but they could survive without me. If I had never been born a whole lot of people's lives would be better. I don't understand why I am here. And since I am here, why am I the way I am? Why do I have this never-ending pain. It is swallowing me. It is taking over my life. I want to make it stop. But I don't know how. And I don't understand anything. I don't even know if I am making sense, I can't explain, but I need to make it better. I need to but I can't. And I'm being consumed by my pain and my cutting and..everything.

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Jul 8 06:36:34 2001 (#8480)

I'll keep this short and sweet - I feel the EXACT same way and my life is the EXACT same way [only I have three half-sisters that I don't know].

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 8 20:45:57 2001 (#8487)

Are you serious? I thought no one could understand. Is one of your parents deceased too? Omg, you have no idea the relief...being alone in these feelings has made my life hell.

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by emm on Sun Jul 8 23:10:43 2001 (#8492)

im right with you. i have two half sisters. never met them. dont even know what their called! hate my father.(what a bastered) im sorry your feeling like this. hope you feel better. never say your better of dead, its not true b/c theres always people like me out there who need people like you to look out for them!

keep smiling!!!

Emma xxxxx

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Jul 9 03:55:00 2001 (#8498)

Yes, I'm very serious. My father died many years ago, so it's just been Margaret [my biological, abusing caretaker; AKA - my mom] and me. It's hard, ya know. I hate the woman so much, but she's all I got so it's like I have to love her or something. It confuses me which makes me frustrated which makes me cut. God, what a cycle!

I'm here for you 24/7, weekends and holidays.

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 10 02:20:18 2001 (#8519)

This is so amazing to me. My father died when I was a baby and my mother never even told me about my half-brother. I saw it mentioned in like a photo album once, it was like a pic of me and then a caption that said something along the lines of, you and the gift from your half-brother. And I was like, WHAT THE HELL?? I don't get along with my mother at all. All of my friends think that we would be closer since it's just us, but I think it drew us apart. I would LOVE to talk to you more, but I have freakish paranoias with giving away my email and stuff. :-( Maybe we can just talk here. This is really really comforting to me.

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by Lindsey on Tue Jul 10 04:53:35 2001 (#8526)

Hey, no problem. We can talk here. It's practically the same as email.

My father died before I was born. About seven months. Killed himself on accident, but when I was seven Margaret told me I was the reason he killed himself. I can't stand the woman. When I was also seven there was a knock on the door and there stood a girl who called my mother mom. After being an only child for so long, it thrilled me to have an older sister, but she didn't want anything to do with me. So here I sit, still an only child. I know one of my other half-sisters and we get along semi-okay, but my third half-sister, I don't know her. I don't want to. She knows where I live and everything yet she's never contacted me, so ...

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 10 19:10:36 2001 (#8547)

My half-brother is from my father's side. I don't know anyone on my father's side of the family. I don't think there really is anyone, except my half-brother and my grandmother (who said that she wished I had died instead of my father and has refused to speak to me or my mother since). I was thrilled to find out I had a sibling, too, but now it's just harsh reality that he could care less about me. 16 years and he has never even sent a card or made a phone call. When did you find out about your sisters? I think I found out about my brother when I was like, 11 or 12 maybe. I don't know for sure, but I would venture to guess it was somewhere around that time.

This is sooooooooo seriously unbelievable to me, that someone knows where I'm coming from. The pain of being an only child, with a deceased father, not getting along with your mother, and knowing you have siblings out there...I didn't think anyone in the world could ever understand that pain I felt. It is one of the many reasons I resort to SI. The relief I feel that someone DOES understand, it is indescribable. Thank you.

Lots of love

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Jul 11 05:27:18 2001 (#8562)

My sister's are from Margaret's side. I found out about them at age 7 [Bobbi], age 10 [Bridget], and I've never met Missy.

And you're right about the pain that comes of having no one who understands you in the world. I mean, you have no siblings [you do, but ... you know], one parent's dead the other you fight with, and your friends have no idea what it feels like. You have no one to talk to ... the feelings swell and you have no idea what to do but cry, only you can't cry so you bleed your tears.

I understand and I'm here for you.

XOXO's

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 11 17:24:59 2001 (#8571)

That is exactly it. Your past post made me cry REAL tears. Tears of relief. Thank you for understanding. I am here for you also.

Lots of love

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 10 06:45:50 2001 (#8531)

I would have to disagree with you saying that our lives would be better without you. I can tell you right now that if you had not posted responces to a lot of my posts, then I could very well be dead right now. What you have said to me in the past has meant a lot, and with the support I get from a lot of people here, I have survived thus far.

I have 3 half-sisters that I know about. More that I don't. With my half-sisters I feel horrible sometimes, because I love my two younger sisters (half) to death, and when people stress that they are only my half sisters and we aren't "fully related" I almost want to die. But I can also see where you are coming from with that. It is painful to feel like you are lying or like you are being forced to either accept or deny the situation in black and white, with no in-betweens (where reality really is).

take care, lyssie

Re: what is the point of my existence?
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 10 19:15:35 2001 (#8548)

Thank you for your post. It is so hard. I have only told two people ever about my half-brother, and they had a hard time understanding. I guess I can't blame them, because I don't really understand why he ignores me, either. And my mother TOTALLY stresses that he's "only" my half-brother whenever he is mentioned (which is extremely extremely rare.) So I know about that. It's true, most people think of the world in black and white. Is it only us SIers that know the world in shades of gray?? It seems that way to me sometimes.

Lots of love

I'm new
Posted by Lindsey on Sun Jul 8 06:30:17 2001 (#8479)

Hello everyone. I'm not sure how I found this, but I'm glad I did. I've been reading through the posts and what-have-you and I feel like "my god, these people are me!" It's strange ... we all know that there are other self-abusers in the world yet we all feel that we are alone in the world. Funny how the human mind works.

Anyway, I'm 18 and have been cutting since I was 11, and in the past two years I've come up with a few new ways to hurt myself. After I tried to kill myself last July I started seeing a psychologist, but after three months [I think] she quit. Being a psychologist is just like every job, I guess, you get sick of it and find something better. So currently I'm not seeing or talking to anyone about my feelings. I saw this as a chance to just rant away my feelings. And please, no one recommend that I write in a journal, I can't/won't do it. I just need someone who understands what I'm going through to see what I have to say.

Re: I'm new
Posted by jen on Sun Jul 8 07:16:07 2001 (#8481)

welcome lindsey, my name is jen ( if you didnt notice) and i am 17. i have been cutting since i was 12. im glad you found the board too. i started reading and posting about two weeks ago. mostly i read. but it is really comforting actually listening to people talk about what they go through and try and help other people through their urges. ne ways i just wanted to welcome you. e mail me anytime you want luv jen

Re: I'm new
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 8 18:12:16 2001 (#8483)

Welcome Lindsey, You've come to a good place. I'm not a cutter, but I am the mother of a cutter. She comes here also. I guess I started posting here in support of Tara, and found that I really care about everyone else here. I try to offer an adult's point of view. I've watched Tara struggle with this for almost 4 years and I try to help her in any way I can. We are really close. It has been so hard for her at times that all I can do for her is to just hold her while she cries or just listen to her talk. Believe me, there have been a lot of late nights when we just talked. She's had a rough time lately, but she fighting it. She gets so much support from everyone here and that means so much to her. Keep coming here Lindsey cause you won't find anyone else who knows how you're feeling better that the people on this board. It's like one big family. I've rattled on so I'll leave for now. Just know that you can write me at any time. Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

Re: I'm new
Posted by Sharon on Sun Jul 8 20:42:53 2001 (#8486)

Hi Lindsey, and welcome. I'm Sharon and I'm 14 and have SIed for the past 2 years. Thanks for sharing with us, I think one of the best things about this board is that you can vent and rant all you want, no one will judge you for it, because we've all been there or are there at the moment. Keep posting here, everyone is so supportive, it's like having a journal that gives you feedback and encouragement! Not really, but you know . . . Well, that's it for now, I think I'm starting to sound like a brochure, but anyway, welcome again and talk to ya soon.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: I'm new
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 8 20:48:52 2001 (#8488)

Welcome Lindsey! I'm 16 and I've SIed since I was 12. Everyone here is really nice and supportive.

Lots of love

Re: I'm new
Posted by emm on Sun Jul 8 23:05:44 2001 (#8491)

Hia lindsey. My names emma. ive been a cutter since i was 12, im 17 now. things go up and down but everyone on the board helps me through it and theyre always there to give good advise.

see you later. looking out for you Emma xxxx

Re: I'm new
Posted by Tara on Mon Jul 9 00:27:36 2001 (#8496)

hey girl,

if you wanna talk please e-mail me.i am going through a really hard time and need someone to talk to.so i am here for you.so is my mom.you can call me sis if you feel comftorbale enough.and of course my mom is known as Tara's mom.you can call her mom if you want.she is here if you need an adult to talk to.i have been cutting for 4 years.well i just wanted to let you know that.gotta go for now.

LOVE YA LOTS

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Fuck Everything.
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 8 16:34:41 2001 (#8482)

I have been through hell and I have been through death and all this shit is too much for me to handle. God I need to be posting on the suicide board. Oh well...This is KAT, yes I havent posted in a while..I sit here reading the posts though. All of them just about, you all seem to be in a spot that Ive seen before and I ts not a good spot I know. I dont need help anymore, I cant be helped, Im sure many of you will disagree with me but its true, oh its true. you dont know whats going on in my head. You just dont know! God save me..because thats the only thing that will..and now Im not even sure god knows what to do with me.Hell give up on me, everyone else has!

-Pain from the heart-

Re: Fuck Everything.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 8 18:27:30 2001 (#8484)

Kat! Please hang in there! We all love you and care about you. That's not a joke! And while I don't know what's going on in your head, I do know that God will never give up on you. He will always love you. Just please don't do anything. You have helped Tara in the past and now I want to be able to help you. E-mail me and we'll talk. I'm sorry that I can't be there in person to help. It always seems to help to have someone there face to face. Stay strong KAT. Love ya, Rhonda

...
Posted by º²§håñÑ䲺 on Sun Jul 8 21:11:08 2001 (#8489)

does anyone rmeber me? i see i wasn't missed, so scared, i hate this, i hate it all, fuck it al, fuck it, i cant take it

bye to any who care

Re: ...welcome back!!!!!!!!!
Posted by girl on Sun Jul 8 22:22:54 2001 (#8490)

hiya honey!!!!!!!!!!!i went away for a while too and i thought id missed something when u wernt around....im so sorry i shoulda posted but my life has been awwful for a little while and well its no excuse i know!!!!!! welcome back sweety how r u at the mo'? let us know how its all going! missed ur straight forward advice!!!!!!!!! love u

girl

Re: ...hia
Posted by emm on Sun Jul 8 23:13:33 2001 (#8493)

hia. dont know you, but hello anyway. if i had known you im sure id have missed you. im emma by the way.

see ya!!!

Re: ...
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 9 02:21:18 2001 (#8497)

I REMEMBER YOU! AND I CARE! I know how you're feeling. We all go through especially rough patches. I am in one now. But please know that we care.

Lots of love

Re: ...
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jul 9 22:47:27 2001 (#8509)

Shanna, don't ever let yourself think that you didn't matter or make a difference here! You brightened my day lots of times (sorry if that sounds canned, like I write it all the time, I don't and it's not) You are really important to all of us. Stay strong, k? We're all here for you.

hugs,

Sharon

((((((((Shana)))))))))))))
Posted by Linda on Tue Jul 10 03:29:51 2001 (#8522)

Of course I remember you!!! Remember when we took over the board with our personality analysis that day!!! : ) Don't be scared!!!!

seriously pissed off !!!!!!!
Posted by emm on Sun Jul 8 23:25:31 2001 (#8494)

i wouldnt even try to make me feel better at the moment. arm now in huge bandage (think its taking over!) was supposed to go to chesington tomorrow and have fun - now must worrie about conceling giant bandage. think maby will take bandage off as its just in the way...... changed mind...less blood with it on! still pissed off. maby will try to wear long sleves. trying on top.....crap...wont fit over the extention.ok. crisis.friend whom going out with tomorrow already knows about cutting prob. (and so does the rest of the group) but will still feel awkward b/c told them i was sane !! (yeh right)

ok. arm feels heavy and sore...must stop fiddeling with bandage. going to sleep now.

see u lot later!!! bye Emma xxxx

Re: seriously pissed off !!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:39:36 2001 (#8595)

Hope your feeling alot better. =)

i am still fighting hard but you are helping!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Mon Jul 9 00:20:00 2001 (#8495)

hey guys,

your support really helps me and lets me know that you care.i am still fighting my urges.it is really hrad for me right now.my ex has stopped by twice since he has moved into town.i guess i am ok with that.last night when i was in the kitchen looking for something to eat,i kept looking at the knifes wanting to pick one up and cut myself so deep that i would not have to think about it for awhile.i hate myself for wanting to cut.i have been doing so good.i don't want my family to worry about me.i have caused them to much money and pain by putting them through this.i just wish that i could pay them back for all that they have done for me.i love my family with all of my heart.my ex-boyfriend(joe)still has my heart to.he always will.he knows that.i am just glad that we are still good friends rather than nothing at all.well i had better go for now.please e-mail me and post to me.

LOVE YA ALL,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: i am still fighting hard but you are helping!!
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jul 9 23:05:31 2001 (#8510)

Hey girl(sis!), I'm proud of you for fighting the urges! And it's a good thing that you and Joe can still be friends. And that your family supports ya so much. I noticed one thing though, you said that you don't want your family to have to worry about you cutting. That's very great, unselfish, and noble, but when you fight the urges, you also have to be fighting for YOU. Yes, caring about your friends and family is a great thing, but you also need to realize first that cutting is harmful to YOU and you need to want to stop for YOU. I've tried to stop before because of my friends and family, and it didn't work because deep down, I didn't want to. Family is a great motivation, but don't forget yourself, k? E-mail or post and let me know how you're doing.

BIG hugs,

Sharon

New
Posted by Diana on Mon Jul 9 05:16:40 2001 (#8499)

i decided to look through things on the web. 2night and i came across this. Good thing i did. But i needed to vent i guess. I am 14years old and i have been SI-ing for 2 years now. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it, so i thought i could talk to people on the internet. I don't know if i should really be writing in the Suicide section, b/c i have tried that too. I don't feel right taking up space in this world.

Re: New
Posted by none on Mon Jul 9 06:26:26 2001 (#8502)

Hey know what you mean. I can't really offer any advice b/c i don't have any. just want you to know everyone comes here to vent and talk just read ppls posts. life's a bitch and it sucks but talk about it if you want. none

Re: New
Posted by Dawn ...Overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 9 08:27:43 2001 (#8506)

Hello Diana: welcome to the board. I'm sorta new here myself, but if you've read any of my postings you would know I am 49 and have been cutting myself for 12 or 13 years now.

Many people come on here and start sharing right away. Others hold back and just read for awhile. Many start venting and then apollogize for "rambling" but rambling is letting the pain speak, even when it seems uninteligible. Pain has its own language and agenda.

I am alive because God has kept me in the palm of his hand. Why he lets me cut I don't know. Maybe he understands. Of maybe it is because he loves me no matter how I respond to my pain.

14, wow.. I remember being 14. I don't want to remember but I've learned that remembering is freedom. It sounds crazy. But it is the truth.

I won't bore you to pieces. I have no advise to anyone tonight. I'm just one SI saying hello and stay safe. We all care for you. We did even before you signed on. That might be hard to understand, but we care for all of us. Those who find us and those who don't. Love and hugs.... an overcoming-1 Dawn

Re: New
Posted by emm on Mon Jul 9 23:11:36 2001 (#8512)

hia. im emma.im 17 and have been cutting 4 5 yrs. dont worry i alway ramble when im going in to one !!! see you later.

Emma xxxx

Re: New
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jul 9 23:11:35 2001 (#8511)

Wow, I feel like you've got psychic powers or something! That's soooo my story. I'm 14 too and have also been cutting since I was 12-ish. Feel free to vent here or ramble or bitch or be happy or say nothing at all. That's what this board and these people are here for. I found this board last December and have found it really really supportive. so, anyway, welcome and post again to let us know how you're doing!

hugs,

Sharon

back
Posted by none on Mon Jul 9 06:19:48 2001 (#8500)

Well I'm back. There are mostly all new people on the board now. I don't usually post. Anyways just need to vent. I don't know where the hell my life is going. I'm trying to confront my past, deal with the present, and plan my future well enough to satisfy my father. I don't know how to fight anymore. I just want to die. I can't live up to everyones standards. I feel so utterly alone and abandoned. I'm losing my best friend and I'm losing myself. I can't deal with it all. So I go and cut. I only cut on my left wrist and only with scissors. I have such a neat little collection of scars now. I am always wereing bracelets and sometimes when I'm out smiling for everyone and being such a happy little girl I want to rip them off and just screaming See what you have done with your judgements, your gossip, your hate. All this directed to someone you don't even know.You call your life pain. I bleed daily at your expense. I bleed for all the boys that think they're men and use me. And I can't even do anything. Abuse was my childhood. I've been taught to just take it. I hate all them. I hate how I feel so divided and alone. I hate how numb I am. Cutting, not even at first, has ever given me any feeling of release. I can't stand how if someone isn't abusing me then I have to abuse myself. I want to break every bone in my body. I want someone to just come up and beat the living shit out of me. I can't go on living this way. I hate myself. I hate how I make myself stop eating just because it's another problem I can add to my collection. I hate how everyone considers me shallow and selfish. If I were selfish I would go broadcasting my problems. I don't I just sit there and smile while some ass hole takes advantage of me. Am I even a person anymore? This all sucks ass and leaves a big fucking mark. None

Re: back
Posted by Diana on Tue Jul 10 19:48:59 2001 (#8552)

Well just hang in there. And yes, after you've developed some type of eating disorder, it makes things worse. I know this because i have an eating disorder too. It makes things harder to deal w. and all we end up doing is thinking how fucked up our lives are. I'm trying to realize that God has us on this earth for a reason and if he didn't want us here, then we wouldn't be here. So just hang in there. As my sister's quote says..."Don't take life so seriously, no1 get's out alive anyway."

??
Posted by jen on Mon Jul 9 06:22:56 2001 (#8501)

have any of you ever i dont know how to explain this.. well i guess in a way zoned out, but more than that. its like you are almost traped in in that feeling where thoughts just flow through your mind and you cant stop it and its kinda of like the rest of the world isnt there anymore. but you can feel yourself being like that but you cant pull yourself out of it. or have any of you ever felt like your mind was going like 3 times faster than your body and everything around you. thats how i woke up this morning, i felt like i wass moving to slow for my mind. like my body couldnt compute what my mind was telling it to do cuz it was going so fast. like someone who talks really fast and you have a hard time understanding what they are saying. sorry if neither of those things made sense. today isnt a good day. im not sure why though. nothing went "bad" today. i even got to see my sisters. but there is just this feeling i guess, but its more than a feeling, im just not what sure to call it. all i know is that i want to cut so bad right now. just to see the blood and know that i am still real. today feels almost like a dream. again i am sorry if none of this made any sense. i just needed to tell someone. jen

Re: ??
Posted by none on Mon Jul 9 06:28:49 2001 (#8503)

well i can't really say anything helpful but i know what you're talking about. None

Re: ??
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jul 9 23:20:43 2001 (#8513)

Wow, you've just exactly described an experience I once had at school. I know exactly what you mean. What everyone else is doing or saying just becomes meaningless and you're sitting there laughing and smiling automatically, like normal, and inside your brain's about to melt or go in overload or something. I get really strong cutting urges when I get that. Soemone told me those are panic attacks, but I'm not sure, does anyone know? Anyway, hang in there, k? I'm here for you.

hugs, Sharon

Advise is nothing but shit when you are in pain
Posted by Dawn... trying to overcome on Mon Jul 9 07:36:58 2001 (#8504)

A person walks into an ER bleeding from every pore and some one walks up to the and says, "Well if you do thus and so you'll feel better in no time" Horseshit For several weeks now I've been on this board and have been reading about other people's pain, and fear, and anger.. And I believe, I honestly do, that God has given me the right words to say.

I've shared a lot about my past and when I can do that and keep it past I do fairly well. But today is not one of those days.

If I had been a cutter instead of a theif and runaway I'd be buried six foot under.

which would have sent me over the edge... would it have been the green beret or the man in the shadows, or the bike gang, or the eight airmen who raped me and my best friend in a barracks on the very base my father had once served duty?

Or would it had happened when I was much younger and six neighbor-boys got me down in the dirt behind the evergreen tree at the side of our house and stuck sticks inside me to take my temperature, or maybe the kid in texas who asked if I wanted to see his garage and once in there .... well .... Well now is a good time for a poem. I wrote it several years ago. When I was where many of you are now. Cutting several times a day just enough to ease the pain and keep me out of the looney bin or the morgue. It was a horrible time. You all know what I mean. People I'd meet would ask me how I am and I'd smile, that phoney as hell smile and say, "fine". And with the answer the wanted they say, "take care, see you later." and then just walk away. Well these words woke me up and I couldn't write fast enough to keep up with them. I've been waiting for the right time to write it out for you. It's actually been published twice,,, not to blow my own horn. No horns today folk. I'm too mess up.

Re: Advise is nothing but shit when you are in pai
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 10 01:42:53 2001 (#8518)

Hey Dawn, No advice, just a lot of love. Rhonda

POEM.......
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 9 08:05:31 2001 (#8505)

DON'T TELL ME I LOOK GOOD

Don't tell me I look good, can't you see I'm not ok? Can't you see the bloody whelps on my arms and legs? Can't you see I have a fat lip, and a hand print on my cheek? Can't you see the tear stains on my face? Can't you see I''m wearing the same clothes I slept in? Can't you smell the urine on my clothes? Dont tell me you can't see, or smell, or understand. Don't tell me you don't know what's been happening to me.

Can't you see me flinch when you raise your hand? Don't you see the fear in my eyes? Can't you see I can barely move? Isn't anyone watching? Do I live in a blind world?

For God's sake open your eyes and take a good look at me. For the sake of the children PAY ATTENTION.

I go to school with bruises on my face, arms and legs. Don't tell me no one can see them but me!

"I'll beat you till you can't sit down for a week" And no one paid attention. "Come here so I can knuckle bump you," and no one noticed my hair was never combed.

Don't tell me I look good. It makes me want to scream.

Can't you see the greas and dirt stains on my clothes? Can't you smell the stench of semen all around me? How do you think these things came to be? Do you think I asked to be treated this way? Well I didn't...Not even once.

I wanted what every little girl wants. I wanted a mommy and a daddy to love me with gentle hands. I wanted to be special... but not for daddy's "needs." I wanted to have fun and play. But not the way boys do. I wanted toys and candy like other little girls do. I wanted hugs and kisses from boys who think I'm cute. I wanted to grow up happy. Maybe mommy is right. "I don't always get what you want."

I think if I could have one wish. That one wish would be. For blind eyes to be open to children who look like me. And I think I'd like another wish. I hope you don't think I'm greedy. I'd like you to remember I'm a living, breathing, feeling person with a lot of love to share. So don't tell me I look good before you tell me that you care.

Re: POEM.......
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jul 9 21:47:08 2001 (#8508)

You don't know me but I used to post here. Black Rose might remember me but maybe not.

Well anyway I just wanted to say that your poem was beatiful. I have read many poems on this board because many say that writting helps.

Stay strong, Nicke.

Re: POEM.......
Posted by Diana on Tue Jul 10 06:57:50 2001 (#8534)

Omg i loved your poem. It was so intence that i kept reading it over to fully understand it.

need opinions
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jul 9 23:27:43 2001 (#8514)

Hey everyone, I just wanted to know how many people see a psychiatrist and how they feel about theirs. The reason I'm asking is because someone told me that it might help me to see a shrink (and it's not like she doesn't know what she's talking about or anything because she sees one and I respect her opinion a lot) I just wanted to know what you guys think about it and if it hurts or helps more. Thanks.

hugs to all,

Sharon

Re: need opinions
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 10 01:40:41 2001 (#8516)

Hey Sharon, Tara sees one. He has really helped her a lot. In fact, she goes to see him on Wednesday. She cut last night, so she really needs to talk to him. He treats her with a lot of respect and I like that. Today she seems better, but the whole flashback thing is bothering her. If you can find the right one it will probably help, but be prepared to maybe go to several different ones till you find one that will help you. You have to be comfortable with them and let them help you. Tara will probably be on the board later on or tomorrow so she can tell you more. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: need opinions
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 10 01:42:47 2001 (#8517)

I have been in therapy for I guess 13 years. Most of the time I have seen a counselor (therapist), but in the early years I had to see a shrink for my meds. Now, here in Oregon my therapist can perscribe them. It has been my experience that shrinks are more medication management orientated, where as counselors take the time to listen to what in going on inside you and how you are doing managing it.

In Nevada. I rarely saw a counselor, mostly just a shrink and as I say it was medication management.

But when I was hospitalized in California I was introduced to a shrink that did EMDR which I don't have time to go into right now but it is a process that unsticks traumatic memories.

If you want you can email me and when my web is free I will get back to you. Love Dawn

Re: need opinions
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 10 12:44:58 2001 (#8539)

i found my phyc horrid, but dont take this to heart. most people find theyers a real help. i just find talking difficult any way and considering he was male didnt help.

hope it helped.

emma xxx

Thanks
Posted by Sharon on Tue Jul 10 22:17:04 2001 (#8556)

Thanks everyone. That really helped, I'm seriously thinking about seeing a therapist about all this. I don't want to stress out my friends or you guys more than I need to and my parents don't take this seriously at all. Maybe the hardest part would en to convince them I need one! Well, thanks again.

hugs,

Sharon

how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by .......... on Mon Jul 9 23:30:28 2001 (#8515)

i know ive cit bad before but how do you manage to cut so deep with a razor? or do u use somthing else......what...and where do you get it from?

a razor just isnt working anymore.

thanx ....

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 10 05:28:14 2001 (#8528)

I'd like to know the answer too. Blades hurt. I took a sharp knife and lightly ran it across mu forearm last night and only had one scatch this morning. I've tride blades but they hurt too, they sting. I don't know how my father did it. But he did it good. I remember my mother's screams woke me up and when I opened the door. There stood daddy in the center of the hall, blood flowing fast and heavy into is hand and spilling over. And there he stood in a puddle of blood until a gurney was brought in and a straight jacket was put on him.....I was 10 He lived, but mamma made him move far away.

On second thought I don't want to know because knowing would bring the memory closer than I want it to be.

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 10 06:50:12 2001 (#8532)

You don't cut deep with the first cut. I have cut very deep with them before, but I had to go over and over again with it to cut deep. But, it hurts like a bitch because the nerves are exposed and cut fairly slowly, but it goes numb pretty quickly too. Either way, I find it better just to do more superficial cuts (I know a lot of people may disagree) because it bleeds more and I find works better.

Re: how do you cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by kandy on Thu Aug 2 01:39:47 2001 (#9195)

13 years old I was gullible enough to actually try and cut with a razor, yes lots of blood, cuts, but not much scarring (which is probibly a good thing) then I moved on to discover the wonders of surgical scalpal baldes. Two years after my first experience with such a dangerous item I'm scarred beyond belief. you don't even have to press, just run the blade down your skin and instant results. I blacked out a few times because I bled to much, my boyfriend at the time used to always be strapping things round my arms and chest to stop the bleeding. it's unbelievable to think that I actually id that to myself, I won't go in the reasons why, but the things I'd like to forget most I can never because everytime I look at my body and see the scars I am reminded of everything. I'll stop going on now please if anyone would like to talk my e-mail address is
:Satans_black_kandy_korn@hot mail.com< feel free Kandy x

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by colleen Moore on Mon Aug 6 21:27:08 2001 (#9315)

Let me tell you something, if you really wanted to cut deep enough there is no pain. I was just diagnosed and I have been cuting since I was 12 scared many of them deep. Now Im 47 and have 1 daughter and 3 grandkids. Ilove them all but still depression sets in and the urge to cut is overwhelming. Do I want to die, perhaps not in reality. I had two sisters who died by the same way. is it abuse that is the cause, somehow it may be but I think most is that a person with a problem are put down so much by the family, left out and verbally abused that alll one can do is to start slashing, I feel nothing even as they stitch me, I have been to hell and back and I know one of these days It will take my life. and then all the pain and anxiouty is over. No more being called a failure, useless, peace of crap, I'll be dead abd wont care.

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by an old friend on Tue Jul 10 18:30:15 2001 (#8546)

that is a horrid question to ask, this board is not for giving advice oh how to hurt yourself. cuttiing deep does hurt like a bitch. sharp razors with a lot of pressure go all the way to bone with one fast swipe. the faster and harder you do it the less it hurts in the moment and the more it hurts later.

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by Shannon on Fri Jul 20 04:19:28 2001 (#8871)

To cut deep is not the best...I did it when the cops came to my house...and it would not stop bleeding for hours until i got in the shower...then it slowed down...but it didn't hurt but all i ever did was just press it hard and did it fast, b/c i was so mad and i couldn't feel a damn thing...and it didn't hurt later on, I couldn't feel my whole arm actually...I was flippin b/c of all the blood covering my arm and on my carpet dripping off of my arm, I liked it but I was scared!

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 10 19:23:49 2001 (#8549)

I don't want to answer this, because the last time someone asked this question and I answered I felt incredibly guilty, because I didn't WANT them to do it, but I wanted them to know how. Does that make sense? I never understood how to do it either, and it always bothered me how everyone else seemed to know how to cut deep and no matter how I tried I couldn't get the deepness I wanted. So I didn't want the person to be bothered like that had bothered me. But then I felt very guilty.

So anyways, I'm not going to answer that question, but I agree with Lys that lots and lots of smaller cuts have always worked better for me than the deep cut I did after I finally figured out how to. Not only did the deep cut not hurt like I wanted, it bled and bled and bled and ended up scaring the living crap out of me. It was NOT my usual pleasant cutting experience. So I recommend sticking to smaller cuts. Cut more of them if you have to. It won't do as much damage as a severely deep one. BE SAFE!!! That's the most important thing.

Lots of love

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by girl on Sat Jul 14 14:05:13 2001 (#8653)

i cut sometimes they go deep sometimes they bleed for days

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by jes on Sun Jul 22 00:59:00 2001 (#8908)

sometimes just small cuts doesnt help, when uve been doing it for 'too' long. the deeper cuts r scary yes, but they dont hurt as oppposed to the awful stinging and throbbing of little cuts, they r also more effective in whatever ur trying to achieve

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by sarah on Tue Jul 24 20:44:06 2001 (#8994)

i agree with lys, smaller cuts are definitely better - they do tend to bleed more and the pain comes quicker. i've done a couple of really deep cuts by going over the same cut over and over again, but it really is disgusting cos it stops bleeding after a while and you can just see all the nerves and stuff inside your arm. deep cuts also take a long time to heal - the scabs are so itchy and tend to be greeny colour - nasty. the scars are so much worse too - they're like big welts - all raised up and red and you can see all the little thread veins on them.

so basically, shallower cuts are better :)

love etc, stay safe xx

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by david on Thu Jul 26 06:46:01 2001 (#9020)

speed is the key. atleast for me. the pain doesn't bother me and i'mnot trying to kill myself i just want the blood. sometimes i literaly need the blood to be running down my arm. but i suppose i don't have to tell any of you that. it just takes the pain away for a little while. i'm proud of my scars' i do not hide them. they are bagdes of honor to her memory.

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by star on Thu Aug 2 00:26:03 2001 (#9192)

i wish i could help you in this i havent done it and dont want to but id so love to even just talk if anyone wants to talk then say and ill mail you.(*)

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 8 01:36:45 2001 (#9340)

i dont. i hate razor blades, they scare the hell out of me. i have only gone deep a few times, smaller cuts, as said above several times, are.. better.. the one time i went deep it was with some glass. <-- dont try that. it was sharp.. and i didnt realise. i didnt realise how bad it was until i felt cold air on it.. i didnt get any pain out of it, just lots of blood.

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by Sami on Thu Jul 26 06:42:23 2001 (#9019)

I only recently began cutting, and I started shallow. Every now and then, I have to have one deep cut. I use an exacto knife, so it's quick, although quite painful. But I'm going for the pain, so I guess it's what I'm looking for. You know what I mean?

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by ego on Mon Jul 30 11:23:09 2001 (#9134)

wenn dir der schmerz wichtig ist, weshalb benutzt du kein feuerzeug? (if pain is your passion, why don't you use a lighter?)

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by steffie on Wed Aug 1 00:32:57 2001 (#9169)

ekliger geruch!? als ob es das selbe wär...nein.

Re: how do u cut so deep with a razor ?
Posted by ego on Wed Aug 1 23:48:06 2001 (#9190)

geruch? seltsam, ist mir nie aufgefallen. hm.

Tara cut last night!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 10 02:25:52 2001 (#8520)

Hi everyone, Tara cut last night. Not a lot, just one cut but she was so upset with herself. She came and told me and was scared I was going to be mad at her. No way!! I knew she was in a bad spot lately. I guess the reason I'm writing is because I know she'll read this. This is my way of really letting her know that the cut doesn't matter to me. What matters is I love her and want her to see I'm not ashamed to let everyone else know. I told her it was just a small setback and that this didn't erase the cut-free days before. It really doesn't. If she can make it for almost 6 months, she might be able to make 7 months the next time. Anyway, guess this was just my way of venting. I tell her not to worry, that I still love her, but I want her to know how much. Maybe by posting, she realize I would do anything for her. I'll go now, I'm starting to get sappy about it! (HA!) Ya'll write her. She counts on all of you for support also. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Tara cut last night!
Posted by Dawn an overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 10 04:27:00 2001 (#8523)

My thoughts and prayers are with you.Love Dawn

Re: Tara cut last night!
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Tue Jul 10 16:59:30 2001 (#8545)

tara, when i decided to stop cutting, it took me ages to sort it out in my head. i used to stop for like, 3 days then cut, but each time a had a set back, the gap between that one and the next one grew. and now its been 3 months and 1 week. if you managed to go for 6 months then that is an amazing achievment. i only hope ill b able to reach that point. And tara's mum, i wish my mum had half the understanding you do. tara is extreemly lucky to have you supporting her.

All my Love and Hope Amandaxx

Re: Tara cut last night!
Posted by Sharon on Tue Jul 10 21:55:09 2001 (#8553)

Tara, I'm extremely proud of you for going 6 months without, I can't imagine. Just know that cutting DOES NOT erase all the good days that you have and it does not make the cut free days any less than something you should feel proud of. Hang in there, sis, we're all here for you. And Rhonda, that's amazing that Tara can come and tell you that she has cut, it takes a great deal of security and love to have a relationship like that! You're doing a good job! Give Tara big hugs for me, k?

-Sharon

linzee-lindsey
Posted by linzee on Tue Jul 10 03:18:27 2001 (#8521)

k guys theres anew lindsey but since my name is lindsey to and we spell tehm the same in going to spell my name "linzee" ok? k but i dont come here lots any more but just if i do.

Re: linzee-lindsey
Posted by Lindsey on Tue Jul 10 04:40:31 2001 (#8524)

Hey Lindsey [Linzee] ... just call me Linds, everyone!

Tara....so you lost one battle. You won many!!!!!!
Posted by Dawn and overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 10 04:40:43 2001 (#8525)

In the Bible says we are all winners as long as we when the race. Life is full of battles won and lost, but one slip doesn't make us a loser. We are all winners until we QUIT.

You survived what happened to you. You can survive recovery. And I had a wonderful therapist once who said, "It aint over... till its over."

You are soooooooo lucky to have a mom who loves you and wanted everyone else to know she still loves you. Do you know how rare a treasure like that is? Ask the board how many has a parent who is involved in their struggles. I challenge you to do that. My prayser are with you and your mom. Love and hugs... an overcoming one.

Re: Tara....so you lost one battle. You won many!!
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 10 06:54:07 2001 (#8533)

it is incredible that you have the strength to go that long with out cutting! You seem to have a lot of support coming from your mom, you are very lucky. My parents aren't like that. Cherish it!!

take care, lyssie

A New Name
Posted by Dawn an overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 10 05:14:47 2001 (#8527)

I sign on as "overcoming-1" because I am on a journey, as all of you are, to become free of the pain and misery.....The wounded.

There is a song, good I found it (on this thing you don't know if there are interruptions, but sometimes there are, I could have quoted parts of it but I want to share the whole song called, I Will Change Your Name,

I will change your name. You shall never be called, wounded, outcast, lonely, or afraid.

I will change your name. Your new name shall be confidence, joyfulness, overcoming-1, faithfulness, friend of God, One who seeks my face.

Recovery is hard.... no matter what from. The road seems endless, the pain unbearable. Sometimes we fall along the way, bit if we are children of God, he picks us up and caries us during the hard places if we but ask him. He says, in his word, the Bible "Come unto me all who are weary and I will give you rest."

And in another place he says he will never leave us or forsake us. He is my best friend.... You can't find any better. He can be your friend to and you don't have to clean up your act. He takes as we are, where we are.

He love "me" the person others have said I was no good, they called me whore, one even said I was a lousy one at that, others have called my cunt, slut, tramp. But God has called me overcoming-1, and a friend of God. He can be there when you speak the name of Jesus, and ask him to set you free.

I believed I'd always cut, but I don't so much any more. It has taken a long time. Because I figured if God didn't stop the rapes and he wasn't stopping the misery and pain he was just there to talk to.

I do not "seek" him as I did before my memories came back. But our's is a love relationship. He's promised an eternal relationship with Him. And the only way out of it is to denounce him. I'm not about to do that. So I'm overcoming one day at a time.

Love and hugs...Dawn

is something wrong with me?
Posted by Diana on Tue Jul 10 05:58:47 2001 (#8529)

I really hope i'm not annoying anyone by posting here. But i haven't cut in 7 weeks and i really feel that i need to again. I've also been really depressed. Like one minute i will be really happy and the next i will be angry. Is something wrong w. me? I'm fine when i am w. friends and we are active. But when i am sitting around by myself, i think about all my problems and my past and everything. Does anyone think something is wrong with me?

Re: is something wrong with me?
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 10 06:06:58 2001 (#8530)

i dont know the answer to that question. all i know is that i am the same way. but i will suddenly be in an angry or sad or just a bad mood even when i am around friends, for no apparent reason. so i dont think that helped you at all i just wanted to say you arent alone. luv jen

Re: is something wrong with me?
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 10 12:52:37 2001 (#8540)

no, not at all. it happens to most people when they stop cutting - well it definatly happened to me. it doesnt anymore because i cut last week and ruined it. dont worry, eventually this feeling will go. dont give in to it like i did.

be strong

Emma xxxx

Re: is something wrong with me?
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 10 19:28:33 2001 (#8550)

I AM THE SAME WAY!!! Most of the time if I am busied with friends I'm ok (sometimes I get extremely sad with them for no good reason though, and a few times I've even started to cry).

YOU DO NOT ANNOY ANYONE HERE!!! We are here to support everyone and anyone and you are a special member of this board. We are all united by our SI and that will bond each and every one of us forever. GOOD JOB ON THE 7 WEEKS! I am soooo proud of you.

Lots of love

Re: is something wrong with me?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jul 11 01:24:57 2001 (#8558)

Hi Diana, My daughter sometimes has the same emotions. Happy one minute and upset the next. She just has her bad times. I never judge her when this happens cause it wouldn't work. If I know she's safe, I let her work it out on her own, but she knows she can always come to me for help. Her bad times happen at night when just the family is here. She usually goes to her room and listens to her music. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Just my opinion. You just deal with pain in a different way than I do, like Tara. Well, I should go now. If you ever want to talk, e-mail me. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: is something wrong with me?
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 11 06:14:47 2001 (#8563)

Diana; we all are in the same boat. Sometimes our moods change for what seems like no reason, but our psyches might have a reason we do not notice. Sometimes, a word, phrase, gesture, smell, sound, or a number of other things trigger memories and emotions and they only way we know something has is tears flow, anger erupts, and our moods change. Part of it is being human, part of it is from something in our past, or present.

This is the place to release them, to express them in however you need to, sometimes our language gets rough, but it is ok here because this is the place where we have a common bond..... pain. and has many voices and this is a safe to share them. Take care and stay safe. Dawn..overcoming-1

empty right now... very very lonely....
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 10 07:03:50 2001 (#8535)

well, I am feeling really mellow right now. That could be because I am minorly stoned and that is what pot does to me: mellows me out, and makes me feel really out of it, but it is dissociating in a good way. But I still wanna cut, big time. I don't know.

I was feeling kind out daring today, but alos majorly needing to cut. So, on a fairly bussy road, right across from a busy store, and on route to the skytrain (with lots of ppl walking), I sat on an empty bus bench, and while pretending to read, did some pretty nice cuts on my arm. a few people saw what I was doing, but no one said anything. Then, still bleeding, I went into my doctors office for my appointment, and was then lectured on the risks of me being locked up for that. but yeah, I was quite amused by it, although I don't know why!!!

I am going to cut tonight, and then watch a movie. And I am already munching out because I didn't smoke enough shit.

take care, lyssie

Re: empty right now... very very lonely....
Posted by girl on Sat Jul 14 14:19:23 2001 (#8655)

i know how it can be i type i do not feel vodka does the same to me

The humourous side of our misery
Posted by Maggie on Tue Jul 10 07:23:49 2001 (#8536)

I recommend that all of you should look at this site:

www.selfinjury.freeserv e.co.uk/ssworld.html

Especially the 'Christmas Carol Sheet'.

Some of you may find the content offensive, but I found it absolutely hilarious. Sometimes problems seem worse when we take them too seriously - laughing at oneself is sometimes a good way to deal with things.

Re: The humourus side
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 10 13:36:05 2001 (#8541)

i agree. this site is a must.

very funny. it made me laugh!! emma xxx

Survey
Posted by Maggie on Tue Jul 10 07:33:37 2001 (#8537)

Following on from my last post... how about we write one POSITIVE thing that SI has brought to our lives (apart from finding our new online friends).

Myself: I have become more aware of the effects that judging other people can have. Now I make a special effort to respect everybody despite their differences. I give a hug to the 'rejects' of our extended social group, I have conversations with the 'freaks' in our class and I try to defend snobby critisism of these people. Because I would probably be labelled with those names if all my group knew about my 'secret' obsession. And I feel I deserve respect and therefore so do these other people. So SI has made me more tolerant, empathetic and less judgemental. Sorry if this sounds arrogant - I'm just pointing out an improvement in my character since this violent habit possessed me.

How about the rest of you? Can you think of anything good to come out of your struggles?

Re: Survey
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 10 13:41:18 2001 (#8542)

i have found that now i am very sensitive towards other people and their problems. i now always know if someone is upset and i make a special effort to help them.

i also find that i am always there to listen to people and i know how to make them feel better as i know what it is like to feel upset and alone.

i think it has i many ways made me a better person and i am glad i can help others as they helped me.

Emma xxxx

Re: Survey
Posted by overcoming-1 Dawn on Wed Jul 11 06:29:40 2001 (#8564)

Being a cutter has kept me alive. And now that I don't cut very often I see that keeping me alive is the only good thing it did.

crashed....
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 10 08:50:30 2001 (#8538)

well, i have just totally crashed. I am not doing good. I don't know what to do!!! I need someone here, but there is no one... my doctor just prescribed a new sleeping pill, but I couldn't pick it up tonight, I wanted to so badly... I don't think I need to explain why.... maybe it would have worked!! I don't know, I don't know what to do... I am trying so hard not to cut, but it isn't working... fuck.... I hate myself, I can't even go 12 hrs without cutting... I feel so fucking incompetant.... I don't want to be here anymore....

Re: crashed....
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 10 13:46:27 2001 (#8543)

i know im probarbly too late but ill go on any way. if sleepings the problem and you want to cut to calm you down why not try distracting yourself. i know its hard and cutting would be much more fun but youve got to try.

read (boring) make/ bake somthing draw a picture paint sew dance!! anythings better

or just keep posting / emailing me. i dont mind.

hang on. it will be mornig soon.

hugs. Emma xxxx

LYS!! I WUV YOU!!!!!!
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 10 19:43:32 2001 (#8551)

I WANT YOU TO STAY HERE! You said to me in an above post that the people here have saved you before. Well let me try to save you again. You are an important member here. You are special. You are loved by me and others.

I know what that feeling is like, the want, the NEED to cut. I'm not going to tell you not to cut. I know how overpowering the want is. I am going to tell you some tips that I have used. They don't really satisfy the want, but they help a *little*. Try holding an ice cube in your hand and squeezing it. Try snapping a rubber band on your wrist. Try taking a whole stack of paper and a pen and scribbling all over that paper as hard as you can. Don't write anything, just press the pen to the paper as hard as you can and scribble lines. I did that and ripped through about 8 sheets of paper. So you may need a big stack. If you really need to SI, have you ever bruised? Sometimes when I need the physical pain but I don't want the cut, I punch myself on the arm. It's weird of me to advise you on how to SI, but a bruise heals much better (for me anyway) than a cut. And it is really in no way life-threatening. Be safe and be well. I will say a prayer for you, because I know how you're feeling. We all slip. I was in one of the bad spots for about the past 2 or 3 weeks. I'm finally doing a bit better (as far as SIing goes, haha). Take care.

Lots of love

thanks
Posted by lys on Tue Jul 17 05:18:26 2001 (#8771)

well, I am sort of over the whole *wanting to take the whole bottle of sleeping pills* stage, although it comes and goes. Sometimes I just wish I won't wake up. That sort of slipping away that doesn't hurt, even though I know that anything will in the end, quiet death included. I feel such an amazing sadness right now, if I had my paints I would just paint.... I think I am going to find something to paint with anyways, even if it is housepaint or a toxic substance or food. What the hell. Whatever works, works.

Thank you again for being here for me, I am out of crisis mode, and it has been 3 days since the last cut.

take care, lyssie

cut deep
Posted by emm on Tue Jul 10 15:32:16 2001 (#8544)

just after my last post, i went upstairs, got outmy box,and started to cut. not small ones, which i usually do about 60 of in one go. this time i did 4 deep ones. one so deep the blood flowed and dripped onto the carpit for about 10 mins.i could see the inside of my arm, all fleshy and white.

i did this for about 1 hour making these gashes. eventually i passed out from the blood loss. i think i went too far this time and im worried. the cut looks bad and my whole arm feels dead and limp. what shall i do?

Emma xxxx

Re: cut deep
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 10 22:10:51 2001 (#8554)

Honey, you need to have someone look at it. From the way you described it, it sounds pretty bad. Please go somewhere and get some help for it! If the cuts need stiches, there is only a short time you can safely have that done. I don't want to upset you by suggesting you do this, but I want you to be okay. Please let me know how you are doing. I'll be here for you. Love, Rhonda

Re: cut deep
Posted by Sharon on Tue Jul 10 22:13:50 2001 (#8555)

Sweetie, first of all, make sure that you clean your cuts really really good. You don't want to get an infection cuz that would just REALLY screw up your day even more. I agree with Rhonda, you need to get stitches or something if it bled so much that you passed out. Stay safe, ok? We're here for you.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: cut deep
Posted by Maggie on Wed Jul 11 10:41:34 2001 (#8568)

That sounds pretty serious. If you never got stitches done, then butterfly sutures are pretty good - these small plasters which hold the 2 edges of the cut together to minimise scarring. Also make sure you keep it clean, but most importantly go easy on yourself. I hope you are feeling better now. Take care, Luv Maggie xxx

sorry
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 10 23:54:22 2001 (#8557)

i feel bad posting but i dont know what else to do. i was supposed to go to the river tommorow and go until sat. it got cancled, which is fine, but that was the only thing that was keeping me from seriously jacking up my arms and legs cuz of the bathing suit situation. now that we arent going, it kinda gives me a window of opportunity i guess i could say. i keep having dream that i cut my arms and leg and i just cant stop and there is just so much blood, and when i wake up i think it was real, and i look for blood but there isnt any (obviously) but sometimes i will be talking to someone and i will see my arm out of the corner of my eye and i will think it is bleeding when it really isnt. has that ever happened to anyone? well like i said before i am sorry to post this, i want to be able to give advice and stuff, instead i am thinking about me. so sorry. jen

Re: sorry
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:46:49 2001 (#8596)

Jen..sweetheart, we are all here to help each other. dont be sorry for posting this, we want to help no matter what your feeling, you can always post it here with no shame. I care about all of you, and I do understand about the bathing suit thing. I have scars on my legs all the way up, my stomach, my wrists, arms, gosh just everywhere, but you know what I wear what I want. If someone wants to ask about the scars, I tell them the truth. They get over it. =) Or just cover it up maybe, Im not sure of your situation. sorry. I have dreams about cutting and suicide and even homicide all the time. I dont know if its normal but I know its common .I sometimes look at my scars and think they are bleeding but maybe its just bc they are very dark in color. dont freak out, please...just post your feelings, youve done a great job so far. =)

-love-

bye
Posted by jue on Wed Jul 11 01:32:41 2001 (#8559)

i am thankful for all the support everyone has given me. i am not going to be able to visit this site anymore. i hope the best for everyone. And please take care. anyone can e-mail me if they want. bye. hugs and hope. love julie

Re: bye
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 11 02:01:32 2001 (#8560)

Julie I will miss you!! Thank you for being supportive to US, too. Best wishes for your future. Stay safe and be well.

Lots of love

Re: bye
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 13 17:29:14 2001 (#8631)

byebye ALL THE BEST FOR U!

One year ago today ...
Posted by Lindsey on Wed Jul 11 05:03:11 2001 (#8561)

One year ago today I was locked up in a loony-bin for attempted suicide.

I remember the first words Margaret [my mom] said to me when she came home from work - "What in the hell are you doing?!" She sounded so pissed-off. Her voice sounded as though I had just broke some priceless item in the house; it was filled with complete and total rage. When she asked why I was doing this I bluntly told her, "To get away from you and your bullshit ways." She looked at me coldly and said "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I make your life a living hell!"

The rest of the night sucked royal-ass. I was led to the back of a police car and driven to the emergency room where I sat in a small white examining room for five hours before being checked into the psychiatric ward.

God, what a night.

I just needed to share.

Also, 19 years ago today my father killed himself.

I just needed to share that too.

Re: One year ago today ...
Posted by Maggie on Wed Jul 11 10:47:25 2001 (#8569)

It sure sounds like you had a tragic life. I hope sharing it helps you - feel free to say whatever you want.

Does your Mum still get shitty at you about cutting? Her reaction was horrible.

I hope you keep safe today. Luv Maggie.

Re: One year ago today ...
Posted by Sharon on Wed Jul 11 21:49:15 2001 (#8575)

Aww, Linds, I'm so sorry that all that happened. It doesn't sound like your mom was supportive at ALL and that really sucks. I hope you feel better soon. I'm here for you.

hugs,

Sharon

I need to clear us some mistakes
Posted by Dawn... overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 11 06:44:16 2001 (#8565)

First of all I didn't make the post "how to cut with razors." I responded to the question. I have been curious about it, but did not ask it. And to tell the truth I have a hard time being on this board sometimes, because many of you are into "bleeding" and describe standing in blood. As a 10 year old I was awaked in the night by my mother screaming, and when I opened my bedroom door I was my father had slit both of his wrist and stood in a pool of blood. The pictures I see when I read posts are of my father whom I loved. And I was afraid he was bleeding to death right before my eyes.

I am a cutter, I use scissors, and I don't see it as violent. But it is. I've suffered misery my entire life...49 years, I think its time to put it to rest.

I need to find some other way, some safe way to respond to my memories and flashbacks and not react to them. If You have any suggestions please email them to me.

Freebies>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 11 07:06:35 2001 (#8566)

here is a scenerio: you are peeling potatoes, with a peeler, the peeler slips and your finger is wounded. You say, "ouch" because it hurts. That is a right reaction.

Another scenerio: I am triming fat and bone from chicken part in preparation for cooking and freezing. The knife is sharper than you think and when it gets through the chicken it slices your finger-tip a bit and you say "ouch" and treat the wound.

A number of years ago when I was cutting several times a day these kinds of things really did happen and they really hurt. God gave us the sence of feeling, and it is natural to say ouch when we are injured. We are all created to respond to pain, because we are geared for self preservation.

But during the time I was cutting, I like you created pain to take away emotional pain. We do it just as if we are turning off a water faucet. So when unexpect pain happened to me I would first react correctly, then because I was making pain an emotional asprin I would say, after ouch, "oh, freebie"

I'm not a secretive person so when I said it when others were around and they asked me about it. I told them.

Now one of my sisters and my boyfriend will say, "freebie" when I mention I sliced my finger or stubbed my toe, or any other of the gazillion things that happen to ordinary people.

Now for some odd reason when they say it in it isn't funny. They made my freebies just ordinary, everyday kinds of hurts.

Do you understand?

Re: Freebies>>>>>>>>>&g
Posted by jen on Wed Jul 11 07:24:14 2001 (#8567)

yes

not healing so well
Posted by emm on Wed Jul 11 14:15:12 2001 (#8570)

as you know ive had some trauma with one of my deep cuts. i told my best friend as shes a nurse (v handy)and she bandaged and dressed it for me. unfortunatly, its not healing so well. i feel like such an idiot. no more sleeveless tops for me. its not fair. i want to be normal. like everyone else. i dont want to be like me anymore. being me is no fun.it sucks.big time. i hate being so sensitive to everything and so over reactive. i hate having to make excuses. i hate punishing my poor friend and putting her through such greif. i hate always feeling inadiquit and alone. i hate being so shy and with held.

ok im going to stop ranting. im off to find my little box and make myself feel better(u know how)

emma xxx

Re: not healing so well
Posted by Sharon on Wed Jul 11 22:01:16 2001 (#8576)

Oh Em, we all know how you feel. I can safely bet that every single one of us on this board has at one time or another hated ourselves. Maybe some of us still do. That's one of the reasons I cut. Sometimes I'm so angry at and about myself that I just want to take the knife and rip myself out of me, shred the skin, scars be damned. But that's who I am, maybe that's not normal, but define normal for me. I look at people and think that they have perfect lives, but then again, they all think that mine is perfect too. So what's normal and what's perfect? At some point, we all have to learn to love ourselves. Love the part of us that the world tells us to hate. Love the sensitive side because even though it hurts, you can better understand other people's pain. Love the part of us that runs for the razor or the knife whenever we're hurt. Love the part of us that eats compulsively or doesn't eat at all. I haven't reached that love for myself yet, but I need to and I know it. And you neeed to too.

hugs,

Sharon

GO AWAY
Posted by linzee on Wed Jul 11 19:00:29 2001 (#8572)

i would like to know when this fuckin shitty feeling goes away, no matter how much i cut or starve my self it NEVER goes away and im getting really pissed off with it.

Re: GO AWAY
Posted by ashley on Wed Jul 11 20:08:26 2001 (#8573)

hey man, i know exactly how you feel. it never does go away. but hey if you ever need to talk im here just email me. love you lots, ashley

Re: GO AWAY
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 19:27:13 2001 (#8602)

thats good to get mad at it..you dont need it in your life. keep yourself busy with things you like to do, and take some medicines to help you..ask your doctor..they will go away, dont doubt that.

I'm USELESS!!!!!!!! Please read!
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 11 20:11:10 2001 (#8574)

I'm sry I haven't helped ne of u...I'M SOO SRY! I've really been thinking and I don't know what to do about myself...the only thing I can come up w/is death! so I guess it's the only way out for me! Sense is something I can't make of ne thing...it's driving me completely nuts! I guess I need more help than can be provided! I was right to think razors would be the death of me...cuz that's what I have next to me and slitting my wrists is all I can think of..besides slitting my jugular! So I guess this is the end of me! I'm sry everyone!

<3 always and4ever,

Christine

Re: I'm USELESS!!!!!!!! Please read!
Posted by LISTEN TO ME ! ! ! on Wed Jul 11 22:03:58 2001 (#8577)

christine! dont do it!!!!! think about how many people would be distraught and upset. your a great person and you always give me great advise. what would i do without you. your not useless at all, at all. dont you dare pick up that razor!!!

we love you and care alot. i definatly do anyway and i will stand by that.

PLEASE THINK before you do anything. icant stop you.(i wish i could be there to give you a hug) but i cant. only in mind.

if you have to cut, cut small.please

stay safe! i will be looking out for a post from you

Emma xxxxx ( v. worried about friend )

NOOOOOOOOO!
Posted by Sharon on Wed Jul 11 22:07:04 2001 (#8578)

Christine, don't think that you're worthless, you're NOT! You were the first person to greet me and make me feel welcome when I first came to this board, do you remember that? And that meant and still means a lot to me. You've helped other people, just go back and read your responses to us when we had a bad day! You matter to us all very very much. Please don't kill yourself! Death isn't the only way out for you. You've helped me before, so let me help you now. Please.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: I'm USELESS!!!!!!!! Please read!
Posted by º²§håñÑ䲺 on Thu Jul 12 00:39:55 2001 (#8580)

CHRISTINE!!!! ahh! omg no!!! you helped me soo much, all thos times i felt as though i coldn't go on, you helped push me through!! please dont do this, i know it seem inpoosible to go on, i know EXACTLY how you feel, please dont do this!! i wll cry!! i hope you are alriht, I LOVE YA!! ohh please please be ok!!

Re: I'm USELESS!!!!!!!! Please read!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 12 02:00:17 2001 (#8581)

Christine, Please don't do this! You have been a big help to so many here. Oh God, I wish I could talk to you face to face and hold you! Please stop and think first. If you need to cut, fine, but just small cuts. E-mail me if you want to talk. Just don't leave us all here. You are so special and I truly believe there is a reason for you to live.I wish I knew what it was. Don't do it Christine!! Love ya lots, Rhonda

Re: I'm USELESS!!!!!!!! Please read!
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 12 02:26:33 2001 (#8582)

Christine, plz know how meaningful and worthwhile you are to all of us here. You have helped so many (including myself) thru many rough times. This is one of your rough times now. Plz let US repay you and help YOU. We love you and care so much about you. I know I've told this to ppl before, but last summer I seriously considered suicide. Right now I can honestly say I am so grateful I didn't do it. My life is by no means perfect. It is far from it. I still struggle every single day. But there are so many things that I am thankful to have been around for. Please know that while things may not get 100%, heck they may not even get 10% better, but there WILL be happier times when you will be thankful to be around. And we will be thankful for you being around. Plz be safe. ((((((((((((((((((((((Christin e))))))))))))))))))

Lots of love

Re: I'm USELESS!!!!!!!! Please read!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 12 07:49:53 2001 (#8590)

Black Rose you are not the only one who is in a bad place right now. I am too. But plez if you use your razor don't take your life. Stay safe. You have given me and others so much help in time of need. We need you. We want you alive. We love you. I love you. Hugs Dawn

msn?
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 12 00:03:07 2001 (#8579)

does anyone have msn? would be nice to talk to you guys! Emma xxx

Re: msn?
Posted by Maggie on Thu Jul 12 03:42:33 2001 (#8583)

Yeap. You can find me with the above email address.

Re: msn?
Posted by diana on Thu Jul 12 04:11:54 2001 (#8584)

sorry to ask this, but what's msn??? if u get this write me back 2 my email address.

Re: msn?
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Jul 12 04:34:27 2001 (#8585)

Yeah, I have MSN. Go ahead and add me [any of you] at the above address. Just say you're from the SI board and then I won't block and delete you. :)

Re: msn?
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 13 17:30:15 2001 (#8632)

i do me_linds@hotmail.com add me:) i use mine lots!

Anorexic?
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Jul 12 04:39:45 2001 (#8586)

I was just wondering - how many of you are anorexic or have an other eating disorder?

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by Diana on Thu Jul 12 05:18:20 2001 (#8587)

I have an eating disorder(not that i'm proud). But I have been bulimic for the past year(trying to stop). But since i'm trying to stop that, i am now restricting how much i eat.

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 12 08:02:16 2001 (#8591)

I am sooooooo not anorexic, I am fat. But the weight helps make me not attrack creeps/men

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by linzee on Thu Jul 12 17:04:50 2001 (#8600)

i am delevpeing one ...or so my therpist says

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 17:39:27 2001 (#8601)

Im struggling on working my way into having an eating disorder, god why cant I just be normal.

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jul 13 03:09:46 2001 (#8616)

I am a compulsive overeater. It comes and goes every so often, not a lot, so the weight hasn't caught up to me yet. But I tend to eat everything in the fridge, then feel really at and then I'll go run 3 miles or something to make myself feel better. What a sick cycle.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by girl on Wed Jul 18 20:10:17 2001 (#8816)

nope

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by accidental on Tue Jul 24 19:41:19 2001 (#8988)

an eating disorder is an inner disease that controls your body and your soul. Do not be ashamed of it. Fight it with your strength. Two years ago I nearly overdosed on drugs that supposedly helped control my weight. I woke up with dried blood on my face and from my nose. Don't let that happen to you. To shrink is not to be beautiful. Its to please yourself. But what is there to please when you want to disappear completely...

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by linzee on Fri Jul 27 02:26:47 2001 (#9033)

but how can u leave it be when u feel so shitty when u eat like as if u cant breath it ssoooo hard and all i want is to be skinny

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by accidental on Sat Jul 28 18:08:25 2001 (#9092)

that's when you exercise and find someone to talk to. there are always alternatives. just depends if you're willing to try.

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by jen on Thu Jul 26 02:04:30 2001 (#9016)

i think i am bulimic

Re: Anorexic?
Posted by Stephanie on Tue Jul 31 08:46:35 2001 (#9164)

Hey I'm anorexic... wel I'm bulimarexic which is a cross between the 2...I'm also a cutter.. I have been for awhile... I have a website.. if u would like to look at it it helps ppl w/ED;s and cutting..Stay stronge

Stephanie

fire
Posted by None on Thu Jul 12 05:25:13 2001 (#8588)

I'm burning slowly. You've used me to keep you warm and I hate you for it. I've been used up so now you'll throw me away. I watch your face dissappear and it all hurts so much. You always viewed my problem as some alien ritual. My twisted form of self expression. You always put up with it as long it never got your hands dirty. You'd always sit and watch me with child like fascination as I cut myself. I was your cheap entertainment. You'll leave me today, all alone and just kiss my forehead, like I am child and walk out the door. I'll wait for someone to fill your place but they are all the same.

Re: fire
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:49:35 2001 (#8597)

Just wanted to let you know someone read this post. I liked it, Im glad you can write about your feelings and help us get out ours. =)

Re: fire
Posted by ashley on Thu Jul 12 23:09:26 2001 (#8607)

lovely....you captured entirely how i feel everyday.

Re: fire
Posted by girl on Sat Jul 14 14:15:38 2001 (#8654)

when i was little they called me fire until my house burned down now thet call me insane

by the way, im new here
Posted by ashley on Thu Jul 12 05:28:04 2001 (#8589)

since i have posted here a few times i just thouht i should add that im new to this place, and every single day is a battle with the blade, but you guys know how that feels dont you? love, me

Re: by the way, im new here
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 12 08:10:02 2001 (#8592)

hello Ashley, welcome to the board. I am somewhat new here myself. But I'm not shy about giving my 2 cents worth and telling everyone I'm not in misery or obsessed with cutting as I was a few years ago. If you don't have this board set too short of a time you can browse the posting and get to know the people here.

Well I need to post so I'll close with a hug from Dawn

Re: by the way, im new here
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:51:25 2001 (#8598)

Welcome to the board. Im glad you're here. =) I understand what your saying.

-love-

Re: by the way, im new here
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jul 13 03:13:48 2001 (#8617)

Welcome (this gets a little repetitive doesn't it?) Just wanted to let you know that I understand exactly how you feel.

hugs,

Sharon

I need to cut my badness away
Posted by Dawn...doesn't feel like an overcomer today on Thu Jul 12 08:52:50 2001 (#8593)

In my head I know it won't help to cut. It won't do what I want it to do. I want to reinvent myself.....no I'm not having a mid life crises.....I'm just having a crisis. I've had many before so I know I'll survive this one too.....but if there was a way, a pill, a blade that would take my old life and bury it.

The Bible says that I am a new creation, that he chose me before I was born to be his child, it says that when I gave my life to him all my sins were cast into the deepest sea never to be remembered again.

I know that everything that gives me the most grief took place before I finally came to believe I was a sinner and needed saving.

I also know that I asked that the invisible walls I built thinking they would protect me only worked against me.

I kept all but two on my sexual assaults secret, hidden behind walls, because I knew my mother would beat me, and to prove it when I did tell the police about the green beret and the man in the shadows. She started beating right in the police station and all the way out to the car and no one did anything about it.

One of the postings talked about cutting their chest and letting themselves out of their bodies. I have desires like that myself. The closest I came was when I took my scissors to one of my boobs when I woke from a nightmare.

I am usualy able t stop myself from making the not act on my thought of gross mutilation. But the urge is sssssssooooooooo strong tonight.

My therapist thinks being on this board is not good for me. That it feeds the desire to cut because of all the memories it brings back.

But it is so good to hear of others who feel the same way. But its hard. I cry when I read how you all feel. I wish I could transport through my webtv to where you are and hold you.

People tell me my trouble is that I'm living in the past. But when I can physically see, smell, and feel the warmth of semen on my chest it is happening NOW, not yesterday, not 30 years ago, I feel it now and I want to take it off, but my brain tells me it isn't there. I understand the dynamics. I understand that the real thing isn't there. I can look and see its not there. I can run my hand against my heart and it is not sticky.

Oh God come to me and help me. I need you. I need your peace. I need you to protect me from myself. and protect the others who post on this board. Help us all to endure til the end. In Jesus name Amen

Re: I need to cut my badness away
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:55:33 2001 (#8599)

Dawn, sweetheart!!! Please..just take a deep breath, I know you know in your heart whats right and that you are a very strong person with a big heart and much love to give. From the posts Ive read Ive become very interested in reading your posts, they are so detailed and relieving for me. Thank you for that. You know those inrtrucive thoughts are there to hurt you, You know it! They want nothing more then for you to feel pain, dont feed into them. Be strong..get your mind off of it. Talk to me. We need you here, you know that..not only on this board but in this world, and we need you to be strong for us and we in turn will be strong for you. If you give in and cut then you know tomorrow is a new day and all will be forgiven if you simply ask. Hang in there dawn, Please!

-love- =)

Re: I need to cut my badness away
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 12 22:28:24 2001 (#8604)

hi dawn its me emma. please donthurt yourself by saying things like that. you are a great person and i value you every word. remember that i am always looking out for you and i care about you. i may only be 17 but i know that you are a very strong person. read this: "And I'm still alive. And today I turned 49. Not because of anything I've done other than hanging in there one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time..... whatever came at me. I've made it to another mile stone of life. Sure I've wearing a bandaid over a wound I made the other day... but I'm alive and that is what matters"

remember saying that! you said it yourself. you must keep fighting.

please keep fighting for yourself and for me. always remembr that no matter what there is always someone looking down on you from above! and down on earth too!

keep on fighting Emma xxxx

Re: I need to cut my badness away
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 13 00:53:13 2001 (#8610)

Dawn, Hi. I'm sorry you've had a rough time. Just know that everyone is here for you and that we all love you. You are a very smart and strong lady. The young people look up to you because you know how they feel and can relate to them, where as I can't relate to the cutting at all, since I don't do it. I just want to be a support person. That's all I can do. Just know that I care about you, Dawn and am saying a special prayer for you tonight. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: I need to cut my badness away
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jul 13 03:20:36 2001 (#8618)

Dawn, you ARE a new creation! God loves you so much, He didn't only die for you, you were His entire reason for living, for being. I'm so sorry that those sickos did what they did to you (I think they're worthy of castration, personally) but it was never your fault. Hang onto Jesus, I know it's hard, and sometimes you can accept His forgiveness but not your own, but He's always there and He won't leave and He loves you SOOOOO much. Hang onto that promise, hang onto Him.

hugs,

Sharon

Hello
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:14:20 2001 (#8594)

Hi , I havn't posted in a while. I've just been out of touch with reality. Hard to explain..anyway, Things arw shitty like always, I have been sober 40 days and havent cut in almost a week. Nothing new...Still stuck in my hole of despair and anger and sadness and anxiety and all those other shitty feelings. I hope everyones doing alright, I really do!~

bye!

Re: Hello
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 13 00:55:12 2001 (#8611)

Hang in there KAT! You're special. I hope you can overcome and get out of the hole you're in. Stay strong and take care. Love ya, Rhonda

Where did these cuts come from?
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 20:38:36 2001 (#8603)

This is very strange. but I will go to sleep and I know where all my cuts are and when I wake up I'll have a cut that is just throbing on my body anywhere. It is so strange, I cant figure it out, Im scared who's doing this to me..am I. Whats going to happen next time..I have told my doctor and they see nothing but see if it happens again and then tell me, anyone else ever expierence this?

Re: Where did these cuts come from?
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 12 22:33:44 2001 (#8605)

i get what you mean! it doesnt happen very often to me but i have had it before. the doctor blamed it on me being a schizophrenic and all. i disagree. hope it helps. Emma xxx

Re: Where did these cuts come from?
Posted by diana on Fri Jul 13 02:03:50 2001 (#8614)

that has happened to me. I don't remember me ever doing it to myself. But i woke up w. 5 cuts on my thigh.

scared
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 12 22:36:59 2001 (#8606)

after the last cutting i did i told you lot all about it. ever since ive been really reluctant to cut because i scared myself so much last time. the cut is not healing and its infected. i feel like i want to cut but i cant.

so confused! help emma xxx

Re: scared
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 23:14:10 2001 (#8608)

Emm..this sounds like a good thing to me. I mean not good that you are infected , well your cuts are and that you have the urges to cut but that you are scared . Not scared too..but you know what Im saying, you know like I told someone else those intrucive thoughts are always there hungrey and they are fighting within us to make us cut, but we can't feed into them and if we dont feed into them they will fade over time and slowly die out of our lives. take care. =)

Re: scared
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 13 01:01:33 2001 (#8612)

Hey Emma, I'm sorry if I sound like a replay, but did you go see a doctor? If it's infected, you're gonna need to get on antibiotics. Guess I'm sounding like an old mother hen!(HA! HA!) I also understand where KAT is coming from. Maybe it's a sign that will help you when you get the urge to cut. I know the feelings will always be there but if this is a way to help you overcome the feelings, it maybe a good thing. Just take care of the cut and yourself. Love ya, Rhonda

To hell with it.
Posted by Three on Fri Jul 13 00:31:33 2001 (#8609)

Hi. I'm something like a human. Living in Sweden, so excuse my bad English. How to begin, I don't really know where to start. As a kid I was being raped and bullied around for about a year, didn't tell, and eventually it just stopped, like someone pulled the plug. At least for some time. The raping did never come back, but the bullying and the kicking, and punching. Nosebleed and dirt in my wounds. Big blackeyes and a broken nose. My mother allways wondered what was happening... but allways, allways, there was something like "Nah, fell down that.", "I just fell with my bike mom." and the like. And parents don't want to see the bad stuff, so, she bought it. Although, what now? All that shit has stopped, nothing is happening any more, I'm feeling a bit more human tan before. I have a lovely girlfriend and a couple of friends. But still, I just can't seem to get the thought of cutting myself out of my head. My arms are filled with scars, and a fresh wound.

What I'm looking for is just a bit of sympathy... I won't say that I don't, cause, why should I? This whole cutting bussiness is getting on my nerves, I haven't cut myself in ages, but still, that feeling, that stirr in my arm... that... thing... that's calling out to me... Just a scratch... just a little... just so that dirty fucking blood can get out... please... this fucking life is killing me.

With Regards Three

Re: To hell with it.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 13 01:11:29 2001 (#8613)

Hi Three, My name is Rhonda and my daughter Tara is a cutter. You can probably read some of the back posts and see some of her post. I guess I post because I like helping others and when all this started with Tara I wanted to help. This is my way of helping. I'm one parent who has done everything I can think of to help my daughter. We are very close and I consider her one of my best friends. She knows she can come to me and tell me anything without being scared of getting yelled at or just ingored. How old are you? Have you ever considered telling anyone else what happened? Sometimes it helps to talk and sometimes it doesn't. This is a really good place to come and just rant and rave. No one will judge you, and the support is so good. I hope you will find peace within yourself cause you're worth it. Write if you want to. I'm always on the board in the evenings for an hour or so. Stay safe and take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: To hell with it.
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 13 17:04:42 2001 (#8627)

Hi there, Please dont feel bad. Your life sounds wonderful although things in your mind are killing you, I know exactly how that feels. My life is going good and everyone thinks Im getting better but the past is eating away at my brain, Im slowly deteriorating and no one can see it. Those thoughts like you wanna cut, like Ive said b4 are just intrucive thoughts,They are there to harm you they want you to fdeed into them, if you dont cut and dont feed into them..take your mind away from them onto omething else, they will eventually fade. I cant say they will go away forever but they might. =)I too was abused badly as a child by my own 2 parents, the people Im supposed to run to in time of need..which wasnt the case. Please be strong, take care. you'll get through this. -love-

It's been a while since my last post...
Posted by Rabbit on Fri Jul 13 02:17:47 2001 (#8615)

... So I thought I would let you all know how I'm doing. NOT WELL!!!!! I have been cutting constantly and have been in a real funk lately. I'm just so sick of being so pathetically screwed up. I realize more and more each day what a basketcase I am. I just keep getting crazier and crazier, and, frankly, I'm sick of it. I just want to get out of my head for a while. I want a vacation from my life because I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!!! So, like the fool I am, I return to my blades as if slicing and dicing is going to make me feel more alive. I just don't want to be me anymore.

Re: It's been a while since my last post...
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 13 17:08:24 2001 (#8628)

thats what happened to me too...I dont think its bc we havent visited the board, but I was gone for a while and I went straight into that black hole which sucks me up into it . Cutting, burning, starving, dying. Wont these things just get the hell away from me, no they wont.. I have to get away from them. Hang in there sweetie, and take care..Im always here. =) -love-

Re: It's been a while since my last post...
Posted by Tara on Sat Jul 14 01:20:20 2001 (#8636)

hey Rabbit,

its Tara.i understand how you feel.it has been really rough for me here in the last 2 to 3 weeks.i also cut again if you have not already read.i still want to take a blade and do it again and again.i hated myself for letting myself give in.you probaly feel the same.but you can't.we have been doing this for so long and we can not just quit cold turkey.it is going to take time.i know that you don't want to hear that and believe me i don't either,but it is the truth.yes i like the sensation that cutting and burning gives me,but i just have to look at my scars and look at how unhappy i am and it makes me want to change things.i know what every scar is for and i see that everyday when i wake up.i just hope that you do find strength to fight for yourself.i am gonna go for now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Misc.....
Posted by Dawn.. on Fri Jul 13 03:33:42 2001 (#8619)

First I want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement. It is good to know I have people who care, even when the are in the muck and mire themselves.

I'm still battling with wave after wave of flashbacks. I don't know how to stop them. I don't know how to take back my power.

One time I typed up a message and had it blown up and put it on my wall. It basically said I am not a whore, a tramp, and never have been.........

Now I can't stop the tears. I may never wanted sex, but I did want people to like me, and I wanted to live...Is that such a bad thing. I wanted love, and sometimes I needed food and a place to sleep, and people told me I would be safe and I believed them... I always believed them.

They all lied to me, then I would believe them again, and again and I kept falling in that hole in the street I shared before.

Now I cannot forget what happened when the lied....and I forget what day it is or where I'm going when I'm on the bus.

God told me he would take me "through" but it seems to be taking tooooooooo long.

Please do not worry that I'm going to wig out and kill myself. Living isn't that bad. I know I need to cut soon or the urge will take me to a place I don't want to go.

Psyche wards are part of me past and I'll not go there again. I've drank enough epicat and charcoal for a life time. Its worse than getting stitches.

I want to continue moving forward. But a litte cutting won't take me backward...it will just settle down the urge so I do not do anything drastic. I'll be safe. Keep me in your prayers and I keep you in mine. Love and hugs....Dawn

Re: Misc.....
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 13 17:12:54 2001 (#8629)

Dawn..like Ive told you b4, I love reading your posts. They have alot of the same feelings I have written within them. I wanted people to like me so I did what they said..so what if it caused me heartache and so much unbearable pain..I had friends...but they are no more. I have no one, not a one.I think that if you keep posting and you get some of your feelings out some will fade, not go away but just get less and less over time..it does take a long time for things to get better..maybe years and years upon years..but it will. Believe that. Im not there yet..but I believe it can and will happen some day. Take care, and be strong sweetie.=) -love-

Re: Misc.....
Posted by girl on Sat Jul 14 14:22:26 2001 (#8656)

im sorry i read that post that song b4 but i didnt reply i was crying too much

something to keep me sane
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jul 13 03:36:39 2001 (#8620)

Hey guys, I was trying really hard not to cut today so I grabbed a pen and a stack of paper and started writing whatever came off the top of my head. This is what it resulted in and I thought you might like to see it.

My thoughts are spinning out of my head, out of control. They reach for my blades in some morbid attempt to correct themselves, to comfort themselves, to destroy themselves. I am weak tonight. I look at my scars and suddenly decide that I don't have enough. If I bleed enough then I won't need to cry. Let this crimson flood running down my skin speak for me to the deaf ears of all those who refused to listen to my silent screams. If I bleed enough then maybe my old self will die and leave me a better nature being born like a delicate butterfly testing its wings as it emerges from its chrysalis. Something beautiful that will elicit admiration instead of misunderstanding and insensitive stares. Something that I will no longer feel the need to apologize for. Something that I can look on with pride instead of loathing. Something that I won't feel compelled to destroy with my blades.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: something to keep me sane
Posted by Linda on Fri Jul 13 04:11:39 2001 (#8621)

You are a very special girl!!! You know where to get me if you need me!

Re: something to keep me sane
Posted by none on Fri Jul 13 06:42:05 2001 (#8622)

beautiful keep at it none

Re: something to keep me sane
Posted by emm on Fri Jul 13 15:44:18 2001 (#8624)

very moving!!

you right very emotional and wonderful things. good way of overcoming the urges.

hugs emma xxxx

Re: something to keep me sane
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jul 14 01:17:24 2001 (#8635)

That hits home in a big way. wow... yup, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks.

stay or leave the board
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Fri Jul 13 06:49:30 2001 (#8623)

I want to cut. I feel the need to cut away things that are not real. There is no semen on my chest, or backside marking me as someon's whore. I am not in a barracks, matter of fact the barracks has been torn down for years. I am not in the center of a room full of drunken college students who turned me into a human sex toy for all to play with for a night before they took me downtown where the town prostitutes hung out. And I am not a prostitute, even though two me you raped me thought I was and handed me a twenty when they were through. I am not a devil worshiper. I am not a whore, a slut, a cunt, or a tramp.

What I am is a wounded woman who has survived eveything the devil has thrown in my path.

I used cutting as a temporary solution to rid my life of shame, of saddness and grief, of the idea I was unlovable and unwanted. I used cutting to punish myself for being trusting of untrustworthy people. I used cutting to express all the rage that had piled up during my life. I used, I used, I used cutting to hide behind when the ugly memories came at me and flooded me till I thought of killing myself, so instead of killing myself I cut instead.

I don't think I ever really wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop because all the things I did to survive the rapes, and molestations didn't work anymore. Once the walls started crumbling and my true life was revealed leaving my body while it was being assaulted didnt work so well. Neither did holding my breath while the person got what they wanted and only would I reenter my body. And that was because I had to get away as fast as I could. The problem was I'd just wind up with more of the same.

My therapist thinks this board is making my life harder. She thought I should cut back. My black/white thinking says I'll stop all together. So my delimna is do I stay or go? Is my frankness doing more harm to any of you, than it is doing good?

I know you feel shitty and you need to tell people and we know what it feels like, we know how life can be too bitter to deal with, but trust me when I say cutting, seeing your blood flowing doesn't make you one bit better, it just gets you past a bump in the road. If you want your life to be different, you must do things different things.

Use my email address, or leave a post. Should I stay or go. I've made a decision to keep plugging away, keep going forward. Even if it means the road gets rocky before it gets better.

I believe God brought me here, but I'm not clear on whether it is stay, or go. help me find the answer please Love you all: Dawn...overcoming and going forward

Re: stay or leave the board
Posted by emm on Fri Jul 13 15:51:31 2001 (#8625)

i dont know how posting here makes you feel. i know ot reasures me and makes me feel better. if you do deside to leave i will miss u a great deal - your detailed a inspiring posts and the way you never hold back on how you feel.

i myself would hope you stay, but if leaving will help you then that is what you must do. i do not wish to prolongue your sadness.

i know this is a hard choice to make as there are lots of people here who care about you and will always stand by you but you must remember that no matter what i will stand by your decision.

if you do deside to leave, please write a goodbye.

will miss you greatly

Emma xxx e- mail me !!

Re: stay or leave the board
Posted by girl on Sat Jul 14 14:29:14 2001 (#8657)

i read ur posts tho i do not alays reply. i love ur advice tho it often makes me cry. do what u can so u do not die. please if u leave tell me goodbye.i will support u whatever u decide.i will miss u wen i come here to hide

Re: stay or leave the board
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 13 16:58:33 2001 (#8626)

Dawn..I love reading your posts. It is up to you whether you think this board is good for you or not. I quit posting for a while and let me tell you I went into a downward spiral and fast. I dont know why, but I dont think it's bc I didnt have the board to help. I choose which posts I read bc some of them are very triggering and sad, so I choose those which will help me in my process...please be careful, we love you no matter what. e-mail me if youd like. =) -love-

Re: stay or leave the board
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jul 13 22:25:11 2001 (#8633)

Dawn,

If this board triggers you or makes you feel even more depressed, or if you feel it isn't helping you recover, then seriously consider leaving. But I think that it helps to have people support you and respond to stuff you write. You've helped all of us so much and you need to know that before you make any decision. Love ya much!

hugs,

Sharon

Fall into that dark hole
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 13 17:21:19 2001 (#8630)

I dont know if this will work for any of you, Im not even sure it worked for me but my therapist said its a good thing so I'm going to share it with you. Two nights ago my older brother and my younger brother were having a bad fight in the car hitting each other and talking trash so my mom got extremly angrey and she started yelling and then my older brother and mom got into it. My older brother started bringing up things from the past about how my mom used to beat me and him, not just spank us but hit our backs with shovels and leave brusises and welps. she got sad over that, but so did I..those feelings hadnt come up for a long time. So I went into my meeting, I was glad to get out of the car..it was a safe place that was peacful that I could rest away from my family for just an hour. So then I started looking at my scars and I got all the feelings of why I cut that particular time,, I felt so bad..even sick to my stomach but I continued to listen in the meeting(NA). so then these two guys started fist fighting and it was horrible.They took away my safe place and I started to cry uncontrollably, it as embarrasing. Anyways I went home and I didnt even cut, (Im suprised) I just kinda went into this dark hole within myself and sat there in the dark crying and feeling all these emotions. If I would have cut I would have calmed myself, but now i was able to sit there and feel what Im feeling and deal with these feelings.

So if you dont cut, get past that part and feel those terrible feelings you wanna escape from they will eventually fade away and you can be ablw to deal with them, you just gotta get into that black hole inside your heart and then get out of it with talking about your feelings or even writting them down. take care all sorry this was so long. -love-

Re: Fall into that dark hole
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jul 13 22:28:14 2001 (#8634)

Kat, wow, sounds like something good happened. Thanks for sharing that, it means a lot to me.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: Fall into that dark hole
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Sat Jul 14 02:26:58 2001 (#8639)

Kat, thanks for sharing about the dark hole. It is wonderful to know you are starting to feel your feelings instead detaching from them by cutting.Hugs overcoming-1

i still want to cut over and over again!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Sat Jul 14 01:32:22 2001 (#8637)

hey guys,

i guess some of you read my mom's post about me finally giving in.i can't believe after so long of a battle i let it get the better of me.how could i be so stupid.sometimes i wish that death would hurry and take me so i would not have to face this everyday.yeah i know that my family would miss me,but they do not understand that i would not be in anymore pain.i also cause them pain in ways they don't see.it is hard to explain.all i know is that i see something shape and i want to cut.its like i can already feel the blood and the sensation running through my body.although i like those things i know they are bad for me.also they are scaring me physically.i have went on enough.i am gonna go now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: i still want to cut over and over again!!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 14 01:43:12 2001 (#8638)

Tara honey, Please take care of yourself. We all have this struggle within our minds all the time ..should I cut or bot. Your not alone, I know you know that..Just hang in there..those urges will fade if you dont feed into them and if they dont you know you have at least your mother to turn to in time of need. She's great with all of us on this board Im sure she could be great with you too..be safe.

-love-

TARA....I know. We all know
Posted by Dawn struggling to overcom on Sat Jul 14 03:30:04 2001 (#8640)

Tara, today I was walking home from town with my earphones on and listening to a wonderful CD I wish all of the people on the board had. It ministers to me like nothing ever has. But all the way home I was thinking of getting home taking a shower, so my body would be clean when I started cutting. But also as I walked I was hoping to find something to cut with as I walked. And all this was going on in the same mind, at the same time, as the words, "God loves you and made you for the purpose of knowing you" and the song that came after was saying, "God sees a treasure in you"

It is amazing how sick I must be to love God and love singing praises to him, love hearing how much he loves me....and knowing I have not came to the place where I can love the person I used to be, or write off the things that was done to me.

In my last posting I left out the biggest reason why I cut...I feel so defiled. I think we want to cut over and over, and over...... because there is sometime in us that is sooooooo bad we can't live with it. It is venomous.

I can't even find the words to encourage you...... maybe I'll just end with stay safe.

Re: i still want to cut over and over again!!!!!!!
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jul 14 21:55:11 2001 (#8673)

Hang in there Tara. I know for certain that if you weren't around that your family would be devastated, so stick around, ok? I understand that yoiu are feeling hurt and desperate, we all are in our own ways. We just have to keep struggling through, I guess. Take care.

Bullying
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jul 14 04:56:18 2001 (#8641)

I was just wondering how many of you guys were bullied/being bullied at school.

Re: Bullying
Posted by Lindsey on Sat Jul 14 05:59:33 2001 (#8643)

Not really at school, but all the time at home from Margaret [my mother].

Re: Bullying
Posted by *me* on Sat Jul 14 07:00:50 2001 (#8645)

Hey I haven't posted in a while. I wasn't really bullied physically. It was more of a teasing thing. The kids at my grade school were awful. We had so many cliques in my class it wasn't even funny. I went/go to a private school so my class was small (well, compared to public schools). Everyone was pretty much teased if you weren't rich or wore designer clothes or the like. I was teased for those reasons, and others. I can remember being made fun of because my father is dead.

Also, at home, my mother is a very very very critical person. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

Re: Thanks for the ?
Posted by Dawn struggling to overcome on Sat Jul 14 07:50:24 2001 (#8646)

I had almost forgot about it, it was soooooo long ago. But kids used to call me orange juice head (why I don't even know). Boys tattle on me for wearing a bra (same school, so I must have been about 6-7). It was embarrassing and I felt bad when the nurse took my bra off and told me not to wear it again. But I did because I needed it. And they made a big deal of it and the same thing happened. But when I wore it again she didn't say anything to me.

We used to play a game called "dodge ball" I didn't like to play because they would put me in the middle and no matter where I ran they would get me.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!That was the story of my life.

I've often used the dodge ball analogy before, but not until typing the story now did it have an origin.

Thanks for the ? It probably help me more than it did you. But maybe you will see how we are treated in childhood can carry over into our adult lives

Re: Bullying
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jul 14 10:17:51 2001 (#8651)

I asked this question because I was bullied at school, and I through my therapy I am coming to realise that part of the reason I SI now is because of being bullied.

When I was 10 we moved house, and I started a new school. The kids there made my life a living hell... threw balls at my head, jammed my arm in the desk, told lies about me... there were only four of us in our year (small school) and they got away with it, despite kids from other years reporting it to the principal when they saw what was going on. When these issues arose the teacher would sit the class in a circle and we had a classroon debate with me against my bullies. They always won... One time I remember being so scared I ran and hid under a classroom and refused to come out. Now 10 years later I still have random nightmares about it.

Re: Bullying
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 14 14:44:55 2001 (#8660)

I wasnt being bullied but I was being harrassed by friends..so I guess they werent really my friends after all.

Re: Bullying
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 14 20:46:38 2001 (#8670)

Tara and her younger sister,Tasha, have been bullied since middle school. When Tara got in high school, it just got worse because all the "in" crowd knew she cut. There were some girls that suggested she "go ahead and get it over with"! I tried to get the teachers involved, but they don't seem to want to do that. Tara dropped out and is now trying to get her GED. Tasha is now in high school. She used to get bullied, but one day she had a seizure in class and that seemed to stop most of the bullying. There are still some of the popular girls that bug her but she tells them to take a hike or get a life. She can be a real smartass sometimes! Oh well, I'll go now. Love ya all and take care. Rhonda

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