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Threads 2001 to 2050

I need help TONIGHT
Posted by Dawn Hensley on Wed Jun 20 05:50:49 2001 (#8087)

My "not husband" and I were playing a game, matter fact we were on our third, and I was enjoying myself and the game. Then I was on my way to a win and he blocked me in so that no matter where I moved I could not win. After the third time of going around the board I wigged out, quit the game. Told him to take it home, and matter fact "take all of his things home.

Then I headed for the valume (sp?) and I want to cut so bad. But I just had stitches I took out last week. The wound is not even closed.

But my breathing is shallow and my eyes are filled with tears. I never tried this as a tool before. And don't no if it will work or if there are any cutters out there who can help me not cut tonight

Re: I need help TONIGHT
Posted by LINDSEY on Wed Jun 20 06:14:44 2001 (#8088)

awwwwwwwww babY DONT CUT, PLZ DONT!!!!! I LOVE U ! U REALLY DO, THINK OF SOME THING ELSE ITS GOINGTO BE HARD BUT U CAN DO IT U CAN, I GO TO BED WHEN I WANT TO CUT I SLEEP SO THAT I CANT THINAKABOUT IT, GET OUT OF TEH HOUSE WHERE U CANT HURT UR SELF GO SOME WHERE WHERE TEHRE ARE NO KNIFES AND SHAPE OBJECTS TRY THAT, IM SORRY IF I DOESNT WORK, BUT PLZ TRY take care hun!

Thanks Lindsey
Posted by Dawn Hensley on Wed Jun 20 06:43:55 2001 (#8092)

My meds are probably working. But what works even more is helping someone else. I can give good advise. I could give a lecture on ways to avoid cutting and how to get past the here and now. But when I wig out. The thing my brain thinks of first is cutting. But cutting does not fix my feelings. I know that. I know I need to talk to my friend. It isn't about the game. Its about feelings of anger. I guess this message board works. Thanks ...Dawn

Re: Thanks Lindsey
Posted by lindsey on Thu Jun 21 05:01:34 2001 (#8110)

no prob! im here to help! so if thats what uneed from some one thats not a professional! lol im here!:):):)

questions
Posted by jen on Wed Jun 20 11:07:13 2001 (#8093)

i havent cut since tuesday but last nite my grandma died. she was like my mom ive lived with her since i was born. i want to cut so bad, but i want to stop at the same time. does that make sense. nothing makes sense to me anymore. i didnt cry, can anyone tell me why i didnt cry?? that cant be normal. i know it isnt. can anyone answer my questions?

Re: questions
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jun 20 15:38:14 2001 (#8095)

i can try and answer ur Q's, its got tobe sad that ur gramma died, i understand that but cutting wont help the apin go away. STOPING CUTTING is a good idea:):):) if think ur ging to cut use things like...take a walk outa teh house where nothing can hurt uor i always go to sleepso i cant think about cutting or what bugging...they mite not work for u but u should atleast try them. maybe u didnt cry b/c u were to mad to cry in stead of saddness u felt maddness.

Re: questions
Posted by jue on Wed Jun 20 23:52:38 2001 (#8103)

aww... jen i'm sorry. i don't know what to say. i do know about not crying though. i sometimes just can't feel anything. i know how i should feel but i truly can't even cry or be mad or anything. my councellor said that it is from being in my head too much. from thinking and ananlyzing things when i should just be recognizing, and accepting my feelings. sorry that's all i have. remember that cutting will only be a temporary fix it won't help emotionally. take care, love julie

hey :)
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Wed Jun 20 19:54:01 2001 (#8096)

Hey guys :)

[I'm at school right now and have no time to post anything relavent, sorry]

Drew:)

Re: hey :)
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 22 22:07:37 2001 (#8127)

nice posting name "thecutthatneverheels&quo t; Isn't that in a Marilyn Manson song? I love that band. =) bye

numbness
Posted by jue on Wed Jun 20 23:47:03 2001 (#8102)

Does anyone have any ideas that help you feel things???jen said above that she didn't cry when her grandma died. Why is there this numbness. i can't feel things. i need to contact my heart. suggestion??????

Re: numbness
Posted by lindsey on Thu Jun 21 05:57:52 2001 (#8111)

i know what u mean kinda......... i feel anger most of the time but thast about it i dunno what would help maybe..talking about it or...writing it down...dancing when no ones around to ur fav songs! lol i duno i do that it makes me feel HAPPY:):):)!!!!!!!! -linzee

Are they insane? Advice needed!
Posted by simon on Thu Jun 21 00:43:12 2001 (#8106)

This is all about therapy, so any suggestions are so very welcome! I've got to go for my annual CPA in august, and what's being said by doctors/therapist,etc, is apparently it will be very beneficial to me to start up(again) my 1-2-1 therapy. The reason I stopped going, about 1 1/2 years ago now is because it was simply getting boring! Not so according to the therapist, apparently, I stopped as it was becoming "painful" to talk about my past, like it was a subconscious decision by me. But they don't offer me any support, and that's why they're mad! If I was to start up therapy again, and trawl through some really painful stuff, when the hour's up, how can I be expected to just go home and forget about it until the next week. They're not coming up with any solutions, and I don't know what to do, and as much as I don't want to do some stupid stuff, I more than likely will. Christ!, someone's only got to look at me funny in the street and i'm back home downing the Zopiclone. How can I tell them it really isn't a good idea to take this therapy, without them getting funny, and what with the new laws here, they could get nasty, mental patient refusing help/medication can now easily get me sectioned, which I really don't want! Does any of that make sense, if so, please respond!

Re: Are they insane? Advice needed!
Posted by elle on Thu Jun 21 02:04:50 2001 (#8108)

i feel the same way. the other day i was in with my parents and i got through how i wanted to get away and i would either kill myself or them becuase i could no longer live like this...and you know what they do? send me home with my mom and dad for the week. no suggestions, no help. i feel like i am actually going somewhere when i am in the therapists office but the second i am thrown back out into the world, nothing makes sense. just talking with a stranger only gets your head turning more circles. i like it when i am there, but the moment i leave i get the intense urge to cut and when i do i get the overwhelming urge to die.

Re: Are they insane? Advice needed!
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jun 21 02:26:43 2001 (#8109)

I can relate. But it has become easier because I told my therapist just that!! I said "Listen I sit here and tell you these things and I allow myself to stir up so much emotion, for you to say 'times us' well easy for you" I explained how I am still with ME, when I leave there and how afraid I am of cutting. It was the best thing I ever did. I have a suggestion. Simon, if you decide to go back explain that you feel this way, and perhaps he/she will find a way to make things less painful. ELLE, it is natural what you are going through. I know it wont make it easier, but for a while I would tell my DR, I am going to the nearest bridge and jumping, "what do you think" he never commented. Obviously he knew that what I was trying to do was confirm that I am indeed suffering. Please e-mail me you two!! Actually if anyone bothers to read my posts, write me. I would like to think that I can offer some support. I know what it is like to have loud thoughts in my head going in circles. Oh, and the fact that I tell my shrink how shitty I feel before I need to leave his office has helped me immensley. I even went back one day a few minutes after my session just to tell him that I wanted to CUT right there. Because I feel it too, the lost feeling all over again. I feel so safe in his office and then BLAMO, its time to go. Ok, I will take a breather now. Take care and keep in touch!! Nuni

Re: Are they insane? Advice needed!
Posted by elle on Thu Jun 21 06:48:08 2001 (#8112)

i am a bad person, many times i have actually left his office on the top floor gone down to the hallway on the first floor where there are no offices, hid in the corner and cut myself up. its just like i feel so abandoned at the end. and theni really want to go back up and say: you fuck, look what u made me do. but instead i go. i go home and just wait until next time.

Re: Are they insane? Advice needed!
Posted by overcoming-1 on Thu Jun 21 08:23:44 2001 (#8114)

It just seems that way. The first part of a session seems to be for getting us to warm up to them, then they draw out of us all these feelings, and for me memories, and there needs to be a time of closure. It not we do as you do and as I did.... every bridge I crossed I thought of jumping even if it was only 5ft and the water was only 4 inches deep, or I'd monkey with my insulin, or fix myself a medication coctail to numb me out, but often not till after I cut, so that when I went for stitches I was as calm and articulate as a sane person.

Those years are behind me now. I allowed myself to remember and I felt scared and angry, and BAD..... and I didn't want to live. But now I know better. The people who hurt me were bad and God saved me from taking my life and the lives of my children, and life is getting better. But it takes time. and it take courage to feel the feelings and not stop them by cutting. Don't get me wrong. I'm still a cutter. I don't do stress well, but I don't cut as often. My family doesn't support me the way I want them to. But I have friends who do. If you need to talk use my email. My name is Dawn Hensley, but I'm overcoming a lot so please address me as such

Re: Are they insane? Advice needed!
Posted by girl on Thu Jun 21 19:36:03 2001 (#8115)

ok this is me coming back here and i m a little nervous but also i have to go back to therapy next week after a two week break and im scared so much and seeing your posts has reminded me how fucked up the whole thing is we just spill it all out and some days they drag it out of me till im nearly crying cos im trying so hard to keep it all inside like a good little girl and then i leave and its all about the sessions when im in there but once im out its all alone. when i tried to commit suicide they took a holiday staright after and i felt so abandoned all over gain. it is the who is mad i am meerly disillusioned. sorry none of this really helps u, lik i said im really nevous just writing and i just hope ur ok. feel free to e mail me let me know ur ok!!! thank you, girl

Re: Are they insane? Advice needed!
Posted by simon on Fri Jun 22 00:57:50 2001 (#8117)

Wow, there may not be that many solutions at the moment, but it's kinda good to know that i'm not suffering alone from the "therapy blues". It does strike me strange that if, as you guys have agreed, this really is not that uncommon, then why the hell has this never seem to have been approached by any of the therapists. If the case was we all had the same therapist, we could just get another one, easy, but this is far more widespread. I have told all the people in charge of me as to my feelings of being "left alone" when i leave the session, but to no avail, everytime. I did suggest a sort of cooling off period after, but as always, there isn't the money or the resourses to do this, which is an excuse i'm getting pissed off with hearing, oh, and there's the one where it's not their fault, it's the system. I have also in really bad times, gone back to the therapy/doctor, with a big very visible burn, with a sort of "see what you've done to me" expression on my face, but not even that works now, which now i'm older realise that it wouldn't have worked, spite gets you no-where! It's a hard problem to try and get sorted, I just hope we all manage it, without too many mis-haps!

i neeed to cut right now.....
Posted by girl on Thu Jun 21 23:26:54 2001 (#8116)

im a little nervous right now sorry, i feel kinda guilty comin back cos i was away and i dont want anyone to feel likke i abandoned anyone (yeah right like anyone noticed i was gone) anyay i was just watchin tv with my dads partner and it was this hospital show and this junkie came on with all these cuts and i got real angry cos its tryin to portray s-h's as juunkies and visa versa if that makes any sense im fed up with labels andim scared and its made it uncomfortable in the house and i just want to be with my razor blades i just want to cut it all away but i havnt cut in so long and i feel real bad just tellin u guys cos i been in time out and now im just another burden fuck im so sorry if u got to the end of this then thank you, i need to cut i need i need i want..........

Re: i neeed to cut right now.....
Posted by *me* on Fri Jun 22 01:07:15 2001 (#8118)

Hey sweetie I totally understand you're feelings of neeeeding to cut. I've been razor-cut-free for 9 days!!! And there are soo many times that I've wanted to cut. But hey, be strong, and if you do cut than be safe.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT COMING BACK!!! DIDJA READ MY POST UP ABOVE TO YOU?? WE MISSED YOU AND ARE GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of love

Re: i neeed to cut right now.....
Posted by Alana on Fri Jun 22 01:58:31 2001 (#8120)

Hey don't worry. I know exactly how you are feeling right now...don't ever think you are alone, there are so many of us out there. I don't like how self harmers are portrayed either. People think we are sick! Ok..haha, I am a little sick in the head, but hey, who the hell isn't. No No, seriously, we are portrayed as insane and disgusting. I'm getting tired of it personally. Email me anytime, I'm always willing to chat to people.

Stay safe tonight, Alana

Re: i neeed to cut right now.....
Posted by elle on Fri Jun 22 04:23:37 2001 (#8122)

havent seen you in forever alana

Re: i neeed to cut right now.....
Posted by lindsey on Fri Jun 22 04:23:52 2001 (#8123)

hi im new here so ive probley havent seen u if u havent been here for along time but yeah im lindsey and yeh i Si too.... if u need to talk im here!:):) *SMILE*

thanks it ment a lot.....
Posted by girl on Sat Jun 23 10:39:38 2001 (#8138)

thanks *me* for helping me come home and to alana and elle and lindsey for replying and helping me get thru that nite i did it without cutting !!! ta t all u lot for being wonderfful!!!!

love u lot!!!

HOW GOES IT EVERYONE!
Posted by Alana on Fri Jun 22 01:53:06 2001 (#8119)

Well, it has been awhile since I've been back here. How is everyone doing? I've read through some posts, and I gather not the best. Alot of you who post here now don't know me, I was a regular a few months back when things were really bad! Not that they aren't now, they still are.....but trying to work through it. I hope everyone is doing well and can get through this tough time. Its summer now, so no more long sleeved shirts to hide the pain and the truth....a good friend told me today that it takes time to work through it all. I LOVE YOU ((((((((dave))))))))!!! Thanks for always being there when I needed someone most. I miss you all....Doris, lys, elle, barbara, nicki, kate, jue, *me*, LOST, lost and lonely, my love strider, and to anyone else I didn't mention who once knew me....I love you and miss you! You guys were there through the hard times and I'll never forget you.

I'll come back soon, love you lots, Alana

What is real and what is fake?!?!
Posted by ReadMySkin on Fri Jun 22 02:52:46 2001 (#8121)

Hi, I'm new to thismessage board, elle told me about it, Hi Elle! Well, I don't WANT to cut, but I end up doing it. I know some of you don't want to, but this is what I mean, see, I have flashbacks ALOT, and I used to be able to snap myself out of them fast enough so that I didn't cut, for example, I would find myself falling into a flashback...then I come out slowly and find myself cutting my arm, leg, etcetera. And as soon as I know it's in REAL life, I stop doing it. Sometimes I jerk out of a flashback right before I do it, like I'll be holding a razor, piece of glass, etcetera, and I am holding it to my skin, but I haven't cut yet, so I immediatly drop everything. I have flashbacks soo vivid I don't know what to believe anymore! And they aren't of just one thing, they are of my brother...my dad...OTHER times that I cut...of when I got my stomache pumped...of me ODing, those are the worst because I don't know if I REALLY did it or not!...etcetera...I have to go now, but please, don't let me go through this struggle alone...

Re: What is real and what is fake?!?!
Posted by Rabbit on Fri Jun 22 05:01:14 2001 (#8124)

I know what you mean about having uncontrollable flashbacks. I know when I start to have a lot of them in a short amount of time I often wonder if they are real or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I find that if I write stuff down it helps to keep things straight. I don't know how safe your corcumstances are, but if you have a sfaty net and are willing to, exploring the memories may not be a bad idea to find out if they are real. But don't go too far, especially if you don't have a readily available support system to keep you safe.

Re: What is real and what is fake?!?!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jun 23 01:44:00 2001 (#8131)

Hi, Are you taking anything to help control the flashbacks? My daughter takes Topamax and it has really helped her. The flashbacks aren't near as bad. She had one the other day while we were on our camping trip, but she had forgotten to take the medicine. The only way I can help her is to just hold her and let her cry it out. After a while she came out of it. That was the first one she had had in about 2 months. After a couple of days, she is usually okay. If you're not taking anything, I highly recommd it. It has been a life saver for Tara. Write me if you want to as I'm here for support.Take care and stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: What is real and what is fake?!?!
Posted by girl on Sat Jun 23 10:50:04 2001 (#8139)

well im not sure that tablets are always the best solution of course they help a lot of people but feeling safe ina support system is also really beneficial i have a lot of really vivid flash backs where i think im back there and im high up and i cant get back down....anyway i can kinda relate sweetie! i hopr your ok and please e mail me if things get bad im here for you we re all here for you your not alone in this feeling hun-e stay strong! girl

grrrrrr
Posted by lindsey on Fri Jun 22 16:31:41 2001 (#8125)

argh, im sick of haveinf scars and of haeving asked Q's and of pretending to be happy and and happy songs adn argh. i hate it all of it....... im so fusteradted

Re: grrrrrr
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jun 23 01:50:37 2001 (#8132)

Hi Lindsey, There are a couple of new products out for fading the scars. Can't remember the names, but I'll find out and post again. As for the questions, my response would be something like,"I'm sorry, I don't feel like talking about it with you". Maybe that won't work for some people but you never know. I'm sorry that you are having problems. I wish I could help you fix them. I always tell Tara that if I could snap my fingers, I would make all this pain go away. Take care of yourself. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: grrrrrr
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Sat Jun 23 07:41:20 2001 (#8136)

Hi Lindsey, sorry you are having a hard time. I cut my forearms and don't wear long sleeves and I don't have a car so I ride the bus a lot. I am an open person. Once I set my secrets free I did't wear a plastic smile. Sometimes on the bus people have asked "did you get scratched by a cat?" or "Have you been trimming bushes?" Sometimes there was just looks, but no matter whether the question was spoken or unspoken my answer is always the same, "That's what I do when I get upset." If they want to know why I tell them, "Because I've been raped and molested by over 150 different people."

Most of the time everyone within earshot knows. And I don't care. I'm not crazy, I am sick..... more sick in the heart than anything else.

I remember the first time I was introduced to a cutter. Like most people I thought she tried to kill herself. Now I know better. If we wanted to die, we'd do it, plain and simple. Here is an old cutter's advise, and like all advise it is just given, no one is bound to it....make peace with it and yourself. No one can make you stop and no one can make you cut. You are in control.

I would say "sorry this is so wordy" but that wouldn't be the truth. I speak from my heart. And my heart tells me what to say and when I've said enough.

God be with you Dawn

Re: grrrrrr
Posted by Alana on Sun Jun 24 00:41:03 2001 (#8145)

I don't like happy songs either, they really piss me off. I didn't even realize till last summer when I made a tape with my favourite music on it for a friend that I listen to all sad music. It was actually just after I made that tape and that he realized I was depressed and lonely that I came out about my cutting for the first time...to him ofcourse. I actually don't hate my scars. Well NO, thats a lie. I love them when its just me and I'm all alone to admire what I can do, I HATE them when I'm on the outside and people judge me over the. Its a love hate relationship between me and my scars!

Hang in there, Alana

Am I sick?or just crazy?
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 22 22:03:30 2001 (#8126)

Hi well today I was dischareged from yet another psych hospital treatment care stay. It's been about 2 weeks. This time I went totally insane..well in my mind at least. Things are stabalized now for the time being, but I wanted to know if I'm alone about this. Ok well I like to cut myself. I like the feeling of it I like the blood I like to watch it heel and scar I dont know why I like it so much. I just dont know.does anyone else like it? I mean sometimes I know its wrong and Im very very upset so Ill cut but now its like I cant wait to do it even when Im bored. My arms wrists legs and stomach are all very scarred up. and very unattractive. Every time I cut I feel like cutting my face but I never do it, Im so scared that I will and I know Ill regret it in the long run. well whats helped me to not cut is not having any sharp objects around me and just getting through the urge of it. I know I can use my fingernails and stuff but it's all up to me. It's a choice we all have to make. Good luck to you all. =)

Re: Am I sick?or just crazy?
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 22 23:26:20 2001 (#8130)

KAT, ur not crazy or sick...I feel like that ALOT! it's not unusual at all! please try to stop cutting though...it is hard! take care! *hugs* Christine

arrgggghhhhh dunno what to do ??????????
Posted by loxley on Fri Jun 22 22:25:40 2001 (#8128)

Hi lovely people arrghhhh am so frightened and so scared wanna hide wanna escape wanna hide under me bed but well its one of those draws things damn dunno am shaking i feel so numb I dunno had not seen the guy who assulted me for a while and saw him not long ago and he reconised me and he shouted at me and shit I just ran i honest thought he was goign to kill me he threathen me dunno what to do the police never believed me before like when he thewathen and sent letters to the house when he came out of young offenders shit the assult happened 6 1.2 yrs ago and trail a yr latrer lucky that he was tried as he just turned 17 then and he was 16 and me 18arrrgggghhhhh (am 25 now) he fopund guilty and sentented to 30 mths dentioned an donly served about a yr and well his mates are theanthing me too and well no one gives a shit i cant talk to anyone about it wanna slah my wrists have not si-ed for over 16mths now i started when he was released as was so scared and the shited started to get to me etc i feel liek goigm to faint too shit i dunno i ummm am so lost an dum i dunno loxley (Susan)

Re: arrgggghhhhh dunno what to do ??????????
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 22 23:22:52 2001 (#8129)

calm down hun...please don't slash ur wrists or cut I'm here for u if u need anything at all! just Im or e-mail me!

Re: arrgggghhhhh dunno what to do ??????????
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jun 23 01:56:05 2001 (#8133)

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Tara has to live in the same town as the guy who raped her also. Only he didn't serve any time. Personally, I'd like to take care of his private parts so he couldn't hurt any other girl, but that's just the mother in me talking. Keep writing here. Everyone cares about you. Take care and stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom

We're back!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jun 23 01:58:56 2001 (#8134)

We're back from vacation. We had fun!! Tara's boyfriend got to go with us, so Tara really had fun. Caught some fish and just layed around for a few days. Just wanted to let everyone know we're home. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: We're back!
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 23 04:05:45 2001 (#8135)

hi! I'm happy to hear that u guys r back and had fun! keep it up!

Re: We're back!
Posted by Dawn Hensley (overcoming-1) on Sat Jun 23 08:02:36 2001 (#8137)

Hi, we haven't chatted, but I've seen your name a lot. Being a parent of a cutter must be difficult. I am a parent who is a cutter and it is hard on my children, all who happen to be adults themselves.

Anger seems to sum up their feelings about it. you seem to care not just for Tara but for every young person on this message board. I commend you.

If Tara is a teenage then you are most likely younger than me. I'll be celebrating my 49th birthday as the nation celebrates Independence day (because that was how my daddy wanted it). I actually missed it by 3 hours and 47 minutes. But never once have I waited those few extra hours.

It is my understanding that most cutters are young girls, but I didn't have the notion back then. I was too busy running away for no reason. Now I know the reason and I also remember stuff I cannot now forget. Since my breakdown I've found cutting to be a survival tool. If snapping your finger worked life would be a lot better for all of us.

Anyway I'm glad you had a good time. Dawn

Re: We're back!
Posted by lindsey on Mon Jun 25 03:38:25 2001 (#8157)

dats good im glad u had FUN:):):) u disvere it:) where did u guys go??? love -linzee

Re: We're back!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jun 26 03:33:41 2001 (#8166)

Hey Lindsey, Thanks! We did have fun. We went to a local lake in a spot we go to every year. This year we had lots of people there. My husband's family came down. they like to camp also. Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

Cutting is my life, I'm lost.Please help
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 23 17:20:09 2001 (#8141)

Hi... I have come to the conclusion that cutting is my life. I used to have a decent life I guess, besides all the heart ache and abuse and chemical dependency I endured. But now self injury is my life. It's what I focus on every single day, it is on my mind always. It never ever goes away. I can be distracted with something but the thoughts are always there and I feel them, I hear them echoing in my mind. The first thought when I wake up and the last thought when I go to bed is always " God why me. I need to cut myself, please just once more" Even when I'm sleeping I'll dream of it. I'm addicted to cutting myself and harming my skin and body, but I have learned how to deal with it and cope with it and get past the intense urges although sometimes I fall into a hole and cut myself. I have read several books on self harm and I talk to people who do self harm. My family is well aware of my addiction to it and they help me out sometimes. Although I think it's ironic that most the times I cut myself it's because of them. I am the disgrace to the family and my scars must be hidden when I'm around other family members that don't know. I have applied the 12 step program to my cutting addiction. The 12 step program is used in the NA group I attend every single night . (Narcotics Anonymous). I am a recovering addict with only about 20 days sober, but I'm getting there. The first step states thatmy life has become unmanageable and I am powerless over my addictions. If I realize this and believe it to be true then I can follow through with my recovery and battle with not only drug abuse but also the addiction to cutting. This message really has no meaning but I felt like typing it out and posting so that maybe some of you who feel the same way I do about your life will be able to recover from this. good luck. Love-

Re: Cutting is my life, I'm lost.Please help
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 23 17:42:03 2001 (#8142)

KAT, I am always thinking of cutting everywhere I go and in everything I do! I have this reaccuring nightmare everynight where I think the only way to stop my cutting is suicide...but the thing that kills me is the cutting! (I just cut myself up and slit my wrists and throat until there is nothing left of me but this lifeless figure laying covered in blood on the ground! and no one sees me or even boters to notice I'm there!) I feel unworthy of being in a room w/another person and just feel like running and cutting myself until there is no more me! I am lost in that nightmarish daydream over and over again...and I everytime I feel as if I'm 1 step closer to death and loosing my battle! I g2g b4 my mom kills me for blood n her floor...or is that a good thing? I dunno ne more! *hugs* Christine

Re: Black Rose
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 23 18:23:38 2001 (#8143)

Hi Christine,I'm not in a good place right now. I took a shower and I was picturing myself laying in the tub with deep gashes on my body. The water in the tub was red from blood that I had lost and I was dead. It was scary , however in my real life... In the psychiatric Hospital I just was released from yesterday I managed to sneak in a razor blade and I cut myself and on the dresser walls I wrote help me Im dying in blood. The staff found it during a room search and I was severly punished. That was far more scarier then any daydream or nightmare I have had so far. I don't know why, maybe because it was real and I was confronted wth it. The one thing I have learned is that thoughts are okay as long as you don't act on them. Right this second my body has a horrible feeling about it, Im not sure with it is but I know Ive felt this way before, by sitting here and typing I am slowly distracting myself from making some more scars that I'll live with forever. Please hang in there and good luck to you Christine =) -Love

Re: Black Rose
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 23 21:13:00 2001 (#8144)

KAT, I wrote in blood at the mental hospital I came from a few months ago...it was w/a piece of metal I stole from the employees room when the weren't looking! I wrote in the closet so that the people working there wouldn't c it cuz they don't search...only my room mate or whoever was gonna have the room next! I hope ur feeling better right now...keep typing! take care hun! *hugs* Christine

Black Rose and Kat
Posted by Overcoming-1 (dawn) on Sun Jun 24 03:59:47 2001 (#8146)

I know exactly how you feel. I had an addiction to my scissors that was unbelievable. In the early days I would buy these folding scissors, then after I cut I would give them away so when I went for stitches I could tell the doctors I didn't have them anymore. You learn all kinds of tricks like that to keep you out of the funny farm. But always in the back of my mind was the thought "I'll just go buy another pair."

I would carry a pair on my keychain so I could cut anywhere anytime. I lived by myself so I didn't have the hassel most teenage cutters have. My scissors were my peace of mind.

One day rage erupted inside me and I knew that if I started unleashing it it would be like a tornado sitting down in the town I live in, so I went to the mental hospital hoping to be place in a padded room so I could safely vent my rage. They took me in, then told me the only way I was getting in a padded room was if I acted up on the floor and then I'd be tied down. That really pissed me off and made me a little cocky.

I kept snapping the band on my watch knowing the psyche tech was right behind me. he let me do it for a half hour before he told me to stop. Then I found a belt buckle and scratched my arm several times, then with a cocky attitude I took it to the desk and told them I found it and that they should get rid of it before someone hurt themselves. They screwed me so I messed with their heads.

I moved several times and discovered California and Nevada send you to the funny farm when you act up (cutting, and taking pills) which was a big hassel. so I learned to control my cutting. Now I don't fondle my scissors, I don't cut very often, and I difinately do not overdose, because I don't like mental hospiitals.

But I've found wonderful doctors and counselors who listen to me. That is the key.

We become free of our addiction when we let go of the things that tick us off, when we tell the things people told us not to tell and when we talk, or type about what is going on inside us.

Hope this has helped, if not tell me so. love Dawn

Re: Black Rose and Kat
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 24 04:44:55 2001 (#8147)

Hi Dawn, wow..I liked that message. =) It all sounds so familiar the hospitals and the ways to get around things and still hurt yourself and stuff.Like you had a pair of scissors as a friend I had a shattered sharp piece of glass that went with me everywhere. And many hidden razors. When I was admitted into a psych hospital for the second time I had come to the conclusion that no one could help I was beyond help, I would just die a cutter. I also strongley believed that the only thing there was left for me was to be locked up in a room with nothing in it isolated for years and years until I had no thoughts at all..obviously they wouldnt do that although I was sent to the "quit room" a couple times during my stay there. I am on alot of medicines now that slow down my thoughts but I still want to cut every second. Today was good, no cuts so far. Im gettin pretty tired. I also cut and used to take pills many of them every day. I have about 1 person that I can talk to asnd thats my therapist which I really dont like very much. I just love coming here and reading some of the messages and just getting my shit out in the open so I can deal with it. well thanks for the support, Hang in there everyone =) -Love-

Dawn and everyone
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 24 20:25:40 2001 (#8148)

Dawn, KAT is soo right about all that being so familiar...I always have a razor on me and hiding in my house,when I feel like I can live w/o them(not too often) I throw them out but I always get more! I also don't get the use of a quite room in hospitals...alot of us have a hard time getting things like anger and strong feelings out...andby putting us in those rooms they only teach us to shut up and keep it inside! whenever I'd act up in a hospital and am put in there they don't let me talk or ne thing! and the reason why I'm in there is that I snapped and needed to get a few things out! it just makes things worse! alright I'llstop rambling now! *hugs* Christine

Everyone there's Hope
Posted by Overcoming-1 (Dawn) on Wed Jun 27 08:29:39 2001 (#8202)

There is a hope that is our's or we would not be alive. It isn't razors, blades, sharp glass, scissors, or anything else we who self injure use to take us out of the pain and bring the relief that harming ourselves does. It is the hope that if we get through this crisis tommorrow will be better.

Reading and sharing what is going on inside us feeds that hope. We have to believe that hope even in the times when we give into the pain and relieve ourselves. We can be in a terribly painful, chaotic place and turn our attention onto this message board and it oftem diffuses our feelings as we come out of our own misery to encourage someone else. I am thankful that God brought me my webtv and that He led me here, because I feel that I am among my own kind.

With the home page showing an address in the UK by the time I read a posting its another day before people read it, unless they stay up all night. Which tells me that our discourse is timeless. Postings which were written months ago feel upon reading them that they were just written. Which to some could mean we are stuck in the same place, spinning our wheels, with no hope in sight.....YET WE STILL REMAIN..

I am a born again child of God. I am loved by him unconditionally. Psalms 139 says he saw my unformed being and that he knit me together in my mother's womb, and that every day of my life was written in his book. When I'm sick and my memories are flooding my mind I've shouted up at him, "Did you know about that day? If so why didn't you stop him from raping me?, or my mother from beating me and telling me I was stupid, slower than anything she'd ever seen, or I would never amount to anything? God....why? I don't understand."

God my Father hasn't yet given me the gift of understanding all my questions. But he has given me a gift of understanding that He loves me when I feel unlovable, when the memories make my brains numb like my arms when I cut them, I know that he loves me still..... and one day he will take me home to heaven and he will show me how much he loves me by bringing out the bottle that holds all my tears and I will know that not one escaped his eye or attention. Then he will pour them out and I will know saddness and pain no more.

I want anyone who wishes to email me if they want a friend to talk to. I don't know how computers bridge the gap between the UK and Oregon, USA but if it can be done we can be like pen pals. If not.... we can do the posting of messages and responses. Just remember this I love you and I don't even know you. God loves you and he know every thought you have, or ever had had before you even think it. I know that is true, because I've experienced it. And his love is where my hope lies.

hang in honey!!!!
Posted by girl on Thu Jun 28 18:23:22 2001 (#8248)

firstly i just wanna say that its fab uve been sober for so long ive lived with a lot of people with addictions and im a cutter even tho just typing that word makes me wince. keep going we r all here for you.

girl

my msg might be seen at the top thers nothing left
Posted by kylie on Wed Jul 4 05:36:27 2001 (#8385)

cuttig is my life too. if i dont cut myself i feel in need. im always feeling unhealthy and yuck. sometimes i wish that the blood would never stop running and ide just fade away and everyones life would be happy. i also do other things to myself... i starve myself... not because i think im fat. no i admit im the total opposite of fat. but i do it to try and have control over myself. but now i have no control. everything has taken over. theres not much piont living a sad life now is there?

whats the point of posting stuff here?
Posted by kylie on Thu Jul 5 15:53:29 2001 (#8416)

wateva just the topic...

update
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jun 24 20:44:54 2001 (#8149)

Hello everybody. It's been a little while since I posted, so I just thought I'd let everyone know that I'm doing well. Things have been totally crazy lately, but I seem to be handling it alright. Haven't cut in 10 days. It's been a LONG 10 days, but I'm hanging in. Anyway, that's all for now. Lots of love to you all. --Rabbit

Re: update
Posted by *me* on Sun Jun 24 22:04:09 2001 (#8151)

Hey congrats on the 10 days. I know how it is. I haven't cut in 12 days. :) Keep up the good work!

Lots of love

Re: update
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 25 01:31:50 2001 (#8154)

Rabbit, it's good to hear that ur hanging in there! I hope u can keep it up! keep posting! *hugs* Christine

Re: update
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jun 25 08:24:03 2001 (#8160)

Good on you. Stay strong!

Re: update
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jun 26 03:41:14 2001 (#8168)

I'm proud of you. That takes a lot of guts not to cut. Keep writing and stay strong and safe. We all care about you. Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

WOW!!!
Posted by girl on Thu Jun 28 18:25:17 2001 (#8249)

oh well done sweetie im so glad ur ok thanks 4 lettin us know and keep goin just knowing that its possible to get over all this keeps me going on some days. lots of love girl

am feeling so low
Posted by loxley on Sun Jun 24 21:06:28 2001 (#8150)

i am shaing feel so low and so damn scared wanna cut so bad but dont what to and in the mean time the feelings are fore increasing to overwhemled me with no other way out hugs lox

Re: am feeling so low
Posted by Tara on Sun Jun 24 22:53:27 2001 (#8153)

hey lox,

remember me.i am sorry that i never wrote you back.i kinda hit a rough spot and i had to smooth it over.lisen i know that it is hard not to cut when the urge is really srong,but you just have to tell yourself that you are strong enough not to.i know in my heart that you are.i am still going through some rough things with my boyfriend.i love him with all my heart.it is just that sometimes he does not understand what is going on inside of my head and that makes it hard.whats even harder on me is i know that he cares for me a great deal and all,but i don't think that he loves me yet.is there something wrong??????is it ok for one person to love and one person not.he wants to be with me in an imtamint way,but he just does not love me.i don't know mabye i am just going fucking crazy or something.i just wish that he could see into my world for once and know the hell that i go through sometimes.i am sorry if i am boring you with this,i just had to tell someone.i wanted to tell you.i have resisted cutting myself so many times.if i would have cut all the times that i wanted to,i would look like hell and would probaly be laying in a hospital right now as we speak.don't get me wrong,Joe(my boyfriend) is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i would not change that for anything in the world.you probaly know where i am coming from.society looks at us as a different race of people.so we have to stick together.Hell,i say,FUCK SOCIETY.they can kiss my white rosey ass for all i care.i had better go for now.i need a cig and i am out so i need to go to the store.be back later if i can.E-MAIL ME.i promise that i will write you back this time.

P.S.SORRY IF THIS MADE YOU GO TO SLEEP. READING MY PROBLEMS AND ALL.LOVE YA

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: am feeling so low
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 25 01:33:28 2001 (#8155)

Loxley, hang in there hun! I'm here for u if u need ne thing at all! *hugs* Christine

Re: am feeling so low
Posted by lindsey on Mon Jun 25 03:47:27 2001 (#8158)

ME TO IM HERE FOR U TO!!!!! !!!!!!!!! b/c i kno wu'll be there for me:):)

Re: am feeling so low
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jun 26 03:37:05 2001 (#8167)

Hey loxley, Hang in there. I got your email the other day. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I really hope you feel better today. Please e-mail me again if you feel like it. I really care about you. Stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

Looking for stories!!
Posted by Anon on Sun Jun 24 22:37:52 2001 (#8152)

Hi, I am in the process of writing a book with a collection of stories from people who cut or know people that cut. I want it to be informative, but at the same time, let cutters know they are not alone and what you can do if you know someone who cuts themselves. I also want success stories to help people who cut get out of the situation. I think the best way to get these points across is through true stories from you. I am very interested in hearing your story about you cutting or what it was like when you found out your friend or family member started to cut. I would love to get poems, essays, stories, quotes, anything. Please send anything to my email address: cuttingstories@hotmail.com. I will get back to you if i am interested in using your story. Thanks again! Anon

Re: Looking for stories!!
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 25 01:35:54 2001 (#8156)

Anon, I happy to hear that ur making a book to help others...I'll try to help if u want by adding my own story in! take care! Christine

Dying dilemma
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jun 25 08:22:25 2001 (#8159)

Have any of you ever felt pressured into killing yourself? So many of my family's problems would be solved if I died, and I know that things would be better for my friends if I weren't around. I feel selfish for staying alive... there seems to be so many cues telling me I have to rid the world of my presence. But I am too scared to die now - there are still things I want to do and achieve yet. But the more I think about my situation, the more I realise that there's no way I'm ever going to complete these goals. Is suicide still a sin if you do it to benefit other people?

Re: Dying dilemma
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 25 15:57:24 2001 (#8161)

Suicide is the selfish way out, the easy way out. No one ever said life was going to be easy..I'm sure you can think of at least 3 people who love you with all their heart. Do you want to break their heart's by killing yourself? Of course not! The future is a mistery to us all, instead of looking at alll the thousands of negatives try focusing on the positives. Live one day at a time. Easy does it. Focus on living today and not whats going to happen to you tomorrow. We love you! I dont know your situation but I can tell you that the way I used to think is that suicide was the only way to escape the pain I was enduring. But I was wrong. Suicide is the selfish way, it would cause so much more greif anguish and heart break then anything else. Be safe, hang in there. =)

Re: Dying dilemma
Posted by black rose on Tue Jun 26 03:46:34 2001 (#8169)

Maggie, suicide is not the way out...we all think it is 1ce in a while but it's not! ur needed here...it wouldn't solve any problems! I'm here for u any time u wanna talk or just need someone! my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com don't let the name throw u off! *hugs* Christine

Re: Dying dilemma
Posted by Linda on Tue Jun 26 17:41:05 2001 (#8174)

((((((Maggie)))))) I haven't been on the board for a few days and I was shocked to read this post from you. There are so many things I want to say to you. #1. If you are meaning by suicide being a sin that it will send you to hell, then I stand here to say to you that IT CANNOT SEND YOU TO HELL!!! If you have accepted that you are a sinner and that Jesus' blood was shed to cover those sins and you have trusted in that and that alone.....then.....NOTHING can separate you from the love of God. #2. If you are truly a child of His, then your reason for being on this earth is to glorify Him. He loves you and wants to work through you. If you take your life, you will end your ability to be used by Him in others lives. #3. Oh please do not listen to the lies of Satan who tells you that you are worthless. That is a slap in the face of your Creator. It did NOT come from HIM. Just think about it. Your heavenly father says that He sees when a sparrow falls and yet you are more valuable than they are. He knows the number of hairs on your head. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. He cared so much that He gave His ALL for you, to redeem you from the curse of your sin. Please think about these things. You are a beautiful young lady with all your life ahead of you. Don't let your decisions be clouded with these lies!!! Much love, Linda

Re: Dying dilemma
Posted by girl on Thu Jun 28 18:40:51 2001 (#8251)

sweetie u r wanted and loved too much to leave and if suicide is a sin then y did jsus die bcause he could of saved himself yet he died to redeem ur sins so logically that is a willing death and so a form of suicide! please dont leave us now please we r here for u , love girl

Tara
Posted by elle on Mon Jun 25 23:46:18 2001 (#8162)

how old are u? dont you mind your mom reading all your personal thoughts here?

Re: Tara
Posted by Tara on Tue Jun 26 03:05:23 2001 (#8164)

Hey elle,

i am 17 almost 18.i turn 18 july 28th.i don't mind my mom reading what i have wrote because i tell her basiclly everything that goes on in my life anyway.we are really close.i only wish that you knew how it felt.well she thinks of you guys as her kids and i think of you guys as my brothers and sisters.we both care very much for all of you.so feel free to call her mom if you feel comterble enough to.i won't bother me.you can call me sis to if you want.i feel like you guys are family.i don't know what i would do with out you all.well gotta jet.take care of yourselfs ok.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

ur a really nice gurl!
Posted by lindsey on Tue Jun 26 05:21:10 2001 (#8172)

tara ur a reallynice gurl! and so is ur mom! i dont know waht i'd do with out u guys..... i wish this would all go away, all this pain and problems...but i know i'll have u to talk to:)

Re: ur a really nice gurl!(TARA)
Posted by LINDSEY on Wed Jun 27 06:09:56 2001 (#8200)

tara ur a reallynice gurl! and so is ur mom! i dont know waht i'd do with out u guys..... i wish this would all go away, all this pain and problems...but i know i'll have u to talk to:)

trapped:S:S:S
Posted by lindsey on Tue Jun 26 02:51:16 2001 (#8163)

guys this is going to sound really dumb!:S but like i try not cut my therpist and i have these things im suppose to try when i get the urge... but this teh dumb part..wheni do cut i dontknow where anymore i use to cut mywrist my then my mom can see them too much and i do my ankle and stuff but like i wear a bathing suit a lot and i dunno where to anymore like i know soon enough its just going to get so bad that i'll just cut anywhere and i wontcare and then i'll have these big scars that i dont like and get yelled at for having them i dont know what to do im trapped.

Re: trapped:S:S:S
Posted by Tara on Tue Jun 26 03:15:53 2001 (#8165)

you don't need to cut at all girl.i know that it sounds like i am crazy and i don't know what i am talking about but trust me i do.try this atleast before you cut.PLEASE.take ice and sqeeze it as hard as you can.that could help.also put a thick short rubber band on your wrist and when you have the urge to cut pop yourself as many times as you need to until your urge goes away.they helped me for awhile.but i have a very,very high tolerance for pain.thats when i started to burn but that is another story.all that i am asking is that you try these things and then get back to me.i will try to help in anyway that i can.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

getting back to tara
Posted by lindse on Tue Jun 26 05:15:56 2001 (#8171)

thanx for the ideas! i'll try them tonite...i seem like i only wanted to cut sometime sbut now i find im gettign the urges verynite....im trying so hard not to i try to stay up late or go to bed arly(but my knife is in my room)and sometimes i go on msn to get my min doff it b/c i start convos with ppl. argh.. its gettignworse before it gets better

Re: getting back to tara
Posted by Tara on Tue Jun 26 20:05:33 2001 (#8178)

hey lindsey,

i am glad that you feel that you can talk to me and my mom.just so you know,we are always here for you.no matter how bad things get you can call on us and we will be here for you.we love everyone on this board like family.we would be heart broken if anything was to happen to anyone of you guys.both my mom and i want to help you in anyway that we can.we would do anything in our power to take your pain away and make your life better.i have been through hell and my mom has seen me go through hell and sometimes even gone through it with me.if you need anything just let us know.

LOVE TARA AND RHONDA(TARA'S MOM)

er, stuff
Posted by necrosis on Tue Jun 26 04:25:20 2001 (#8170)

The purest hate is that which you breed for yourself I have a whores heart Tired of fucking my own disgust, but virgins are so lonely The shell is punctured by every chickens claw All that spills is all that lives to feel

My life is my epitaph each nail that impails secures my coffin shadows of love scratch to blood. Every door too scared to open murder me in your sunbeam. rainbows of your hate

You spoil all, you reep all, you profit from all You are all You are everything everything I loathe, yet still I buy rather than die

living is suicides weakness what dignity in death if ignonimity was your life? life jackets fail in the roughest of seas, I am a natural born swimmer

If all I see is all I despise, I must feel love for all veneration of the contemptable. I love to hate

living is suicides weakness

Re: er, stuff
Posted by Alana on Tue Jun 26 15:04:55 2001 (#8173)

Beautiful dave, I love it. Talk to you tonight!

Love you, Alana

Re: er, stuff
Posted by blue on Tue Jun 26 19:27:26 2001 (#8176)

random poetry strikes again! Fantastic! I've missed it! But, David.....punctuation?????wher e are all your commas? at least your spelling seems to be ok! you know how I love to hassle you about all this!!!!!! love & miniture rhinos xxxxxxxxxx

Re: er, stuff
Posted by blue (again) on Tue Jun 26 19:29:38 2001 (#8177)

of course, that doesn't mean that I can spell! found the mistake yet?!

Re: er, stuff
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 03:05:34 2001 (#8191)

that was beautiful! *hugs* Christine

Re: er, stuff
Posted by girl on Thu Jun 28 18:47:25 2001 (#8252)

thank you for giving an embodiment to all thisxxxxxxxxgirl

All we want is attention
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 26 18:57:11 2001 (#8175)

Well of course I don't know everyones situation here on this board but in my case many many people have asked me the question..do you do this for attention? or you do it all for attention dont you!? . well some people may cut as a cry for attention and help but not me. It makes me extremly angrey and I get very defensive when people say I do this all for attention. I don't think that I want attention from cutting especially when I try my hardest to make it unnoticable by anyone, I dont tell anyhone about it and I cover it at all possible times. I wear long pants everyday and I try to wear long sleeves. Maybe in the back of my subconcious I am desperatly crying for attention but I do not believe that to be true. =) be safe everybody!

Re: All we want is attention
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 03:02:25 2001 (#8190)

KAT, I get asked the same questions and I get so pissed off it's not even funny! My old health teacher (as of a few days ago) would bug the crap out of me and always tell me what I was doing was all for attention! he'd even take me out of my classes and say stuff like "u've got my attention this is a lot of crap the stuff ur doing" it'd drive me completely nuts! o well not ne more! *hugs* Christine

Re: All we want is attention
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jun 27 04:24:53 2001 (#8193)

i dont like the attention ethier:| i odntlike ppl askign me Q's everyday and saying u have a perfect life why would u do this, blah blah i try hard t cover mine up to:| ppl who dont cut just dont understand it gets me reall reallymad:|

Re: All we want is attention
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 27 09:48:46 2001 (#8205)

It makes me angry too!!!!!! I don't know who the stupid person was who got that idea started it is crap.

I cut because I feel mad, sad, numb, empty, lonely, unloved, unlovable, ashamed, stressed to the max.....and just because I want to.

I am so glad I didn't have to deal with cutting as a teenager. Me I just wandered the streets looking for a friend or someone to love me. Often I just ran away from home. Then ppl would ask me why and I'd say I don't know. There was just no reason not to. Hats off to you teenagers who have enough stuff in your life to deal with. Stand up to up for yourselves.... but remember maybe these people could be helped to understand that that idea is totally bogus if you step back from being defensive (which you have every right to be) and understand that they might be feeling like they don't know how to help you.

lots of love Dawn

hey everyone be proud...bc i am :-)
Posted by *me* on Tue Jun 26 20:54:42 2001 (#8179)

If I make it thru today it's TWO WEEKS of no razor cuts!!!!!! :-)

Lots of love

Re: hey everyone be proud...bc i am :-)
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 26 20:57:28 2001 (#8180)

Good luck! best wishes to you! Keep it up, Im sure you feel alot better without those fresh cuts.

-love-

Re: hey everyone be proud...bc i am :-)
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jun 27 00:58:50 2001 (#8183)

If you've made it through today with no cuts, I'm proud of you. If you haven't, I'm still proud of you because you still made it through quite a few days without cutting. Even when you do cut, no one will judge you. You just start again and try harder. It is hard. I've watched Tara and seen her struggle with every thing in her. She's my baby and I will love her no matter what. Please stay safe and keep writing. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: hey everyone be proud...bc i am :-)
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 02:55:50 2001 (#8189)

I'm soo proud of u...that is soo good to hear! keep it up! *hugs* Christine

Re: hey everyone be proud...bc i am :-)
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jun 27 04:26:43 2001 (#8194)

IM PROUD! YAYAYAYAYAYYA! U CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: ):):):)*smile always*

Re: hey everyone be proud...bc i am :-)
Posted by Overcoming-1 (Dawn) on Wed Jun 27 08:37:34 2001 (#8203)

I'm glad for you. I remember what even a day without cutting felt like. Lots of love..

Overcoming-1

Re: hey everyone be proud...bc i am :-)
Posted by loxley on Fri Jun 29 00:45:57 2001 (#8262)

way to go yer lox

cutting is also my life.
Posted by ChrisE on Wed Jun 27 00:05:09 2001 (#8181)

hi. Just read what Kat posted. Haven't been in for a while. Anyway, cutting is the only fucking thing I do. It has become apparent that I can no longer function as a human being. Spend on average one day in three where the only thing I do is stick myself back together. But the disgust passes so soon, then I'm just waiting until I do it again. As life substitutes go, this is a pretty depressing one. Bu then again, what the fuck, it's what I am and it's what I do. I have no inclination to be anything else.

Re: cutting is also my life.
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 27 00:24:24 2001 (#8182)

ChrisE your not alone. I am in the same spot you are in, I suppose. I dont know what events have impacted you in your life but I can say that I know how you feel just about about how cutting has consumed my life as I knew it. First thing I focus on in the morning last thing before I doze off too bed and every fucking waking second in between Im either getting therapy for cutting, talking about cutting, I am cutting, I reading about it, thinking about it, writting about drawing about it. I thought my life was just fucked but Im sad to say it's getting better. and I am slowly losing my old best friend (cutting). Please hang in there and don't give up. Good luck to you.

Love Kat =)

Re: cutting is also my life.
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jun 27 01:07:52 2001 (#8184)

Hi ChrisE, I think my daughter,Tara, has written to you and I thought I would. Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell you to stop or anything. I just want to let you know that I care about you. Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

Re: cutting is also my life.
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 02:54:17 2001 (#8188)

chrisE, always remember that ur not alone here...I know how u feel about it consuming ur life...and so do alot of other people! if u ever need ne one to talk to I'm here! *hugs* Christine

the bleeder poem
Posted by brother on Wed Jun 27 02:09:51 2001 (#8185)

drip, drip on to the floor i need the sensation like never before but now i don’t have to worry about hiding the evidence just sit back and let the pain be my guidance.

self help groups they are so cool stand up in a group and say “come on ridicule” on life i have never been a feeder long ago i became a teenage bleeder i lost my teens but never lost the feeling of control

my poems help me live they are the words i don’t speak lately my verses have become lame and weak ive made it through the good and bad times with the aid of my pen but now i have an enemy where there once was stood a friend

Re:
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 27 02:15:40 2001 (#8186)

nice. =)

Re: the bleeder poem
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 02:51:22 2001 (#8187)

that was good! :O)

Re: the bleeder poem
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jun 27 04:32:10 2001 (#8195)

YAY!~~~~~~~ writing is a good way to get ur feelings out *teehee*

Re: the bleeder poem
Posted by overcoming-1 (Dawn) on Wed Jun 27 07:41:53 2001 (#8201)

writing in any form is a good tool to use to get the feeling outside of us. And the great thing about is our words, our feelings are "ours". There is no good or bad, right or wrong. Both, the feelings and the words, belong to each of us alone.

But as a reader I have ownership of my feelings, and thoughts, and reactions.... and like the other's I can say :-) keep writing.

Re: the bleeder poem
Posted by brother on Thu Jun 28 03:44:43 2001 (#8239)

thanks, i use poems to say the words i can't say out aloud. Makes some sense i hope..

ohh..what to do
Posted by jue on Wed Jun 27 03:08:00 2001 (#8192)

i feel like no one knows me. i tell people i have stopped but i still am even though i am making MAJOR progress. i just feel lost in myself. i got this book today called The Scarred Soul on si. has anyone read it?? it seems better than other books i have looked at regarding si. anyway take care and comb your hair. HA a vain attenpt at humor.

Re: ohh..what to do
Posted by Kat on Wed Jun 27 04:49:51 2001 (#8197)

thats wierd, because thats whats happening with me too. Everyone thinks Ive stopped cutting and I miraculously am heeled. Little do they know I cut just about everyday, still. But Ive got some progress behind me but an extremly long road ahead of me. I am reading a very very good book simply called cutting. Its real good, I reccomend it to you. good luck. =)

Re: ohh..what to do
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 16:07:40 2001 (#8209)

my councilor wants me to get that book...she said it's good! I'll get it soon! As for the lost in urself thing...I sorta know how u feel! I see people on the outside as nothing just wanting to know the truth I cover w/lies and here I am looking out on them as I am to forever choose the lies I wrapped myself up in over the truth I hide from them! it's kinda confusing but it's the best way I can word it! *hugs* take care! Christine

Re: ohh..what to do
Posted by jen on Sat Jun 30 22:20:55 2001 (#8297)

i totally understand what you are saying. i feel totaly lost in myself if that makes sense, my grandpa told me to stop cutting i told him it wasnt that easy and he said it was. haha if he knew. i actually havent cut in 2 weeks and 4 dayz but it is so hard. ppl dont understand and it is almost like they dont even want to try to. n e wayz to make a long answer short i do know what you are going through. stay strong luv jen

loser
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jun 27 04:36:59 2001 (#8196)

i havent be raped, or anything like that, i feel so bad that i cut my mom thinks that i havebeen and that why i do this, i dontknow why i do thi si just do-----sometime si wish i was raped that way everyone would be happy i have on big reason aand then we can all focus onthat reason, but its not like that i dont flashback i dont get anything alli know is i feel angry, mad and scared but i dontknow what of then i her these stories of ppl who have been raped and im like why teh hell am i doing this like i feel like such a loer

Re: loser
Posted by Rabbit on Wed Jun 27 04:50:56 2001 (#8198)

Ok, first of all, NO, you don't wish you have been raped. Believe me, there is nothing about rape that could be wished for.

Now, I understand the idea that you wish you had a logical reason for cutting. It seems that it would make it easier to be able to point to some circumstance and say that's it! rthat's why i cut. It is very hard when you feel like you're messed up for no good reason and that kind of thinking causes shame and guilt. You cut. that's fact. but it doesn't make you a loser. Hang in there, ok?

Re: =)
Posted by Kat on Wed Jun 27 04:53:45 2001 (#8199)

dont feel bad, It's just a way you let things out, SI doesnt require any certain backgrounds or events that will qualify you as a person who self injures yourself. I used to think what happened in my life that was sooo soo unbearably horrible that I do this. I cut myself. I mean nothing really, alot of hurt and ger but nothing like rape. My parents beat me as a child and Im guessing thats just one of the many many reasons I turn to cutting. dont feel alone sweetie.

good luck. =)

Re: loser
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 27 09:08:37 2001 (#8204)

You are not a loser. Not everyone who is raped, or beaten cuts. And not everyone who cuts was raped or beaten.

Here is a story. I was in counseling and my therapist suggested I attend an orientation for a support group for women who had been molested as children. My response was. I haven't been molested as a child...sure I was raped when I was 14 but that doesn't count. And the only other person who raped me was my alcoholic husband. But after I started the group memories came flooding back as I learned what the words molestation and rape meant.

Lindsey I tell you that story not to say "you just may not remember", which could possibly be true. But because sometimes we "forget things" unintentionally because they are too painful.

I heard you say that you cut because you are angry. Which gives me a visual image of someone slashing violently on themselves. Is that how you cut or is it more controlled? In the Bible, in the book of James it says "...if anyone lacks wisdom ask and it will be given to you" my paraphrase. Is it ok if I pray and ask God to give you insight into why you cut?

Do you write in a diary or journal? If not it might be helpful to start, if security is a problem find one that locks.

When my memories came to the surface, unfortunatly as flashbacks, they came in small bit and pieces, all garbled up. So I began to write each piece on a different paper and over time I could fit pieces together. Art is another way to find answers as to why you cut. Anger is a strong emotion. My anger was buried under saddness and shame.

My mother was the only one in my home allow to express anger. Although there were a few times when I got angry at my sister who was two years older than me. I'm telling you all this because anger can hide other feelings, and other feelings can hide anger.

If you write down what makes you angry and don't analyze it, just FREE write, and the answers might come. But "you" have to give them permission to come.

And remember this "emotions are neither good or bad. They just "ARE". (from a book I read).....lots of love Dawn

Re: loser
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 16:13:24 2001 (#8210)

Lindsey, I'm sure u have a "reason" for ur cutting...it doesn't nessessarily mean that something has happened to u like rape...it could be anything or just pure emotions! u don't need to have something done to u to SI...u use it to numb feelings (just guessing or atleast I use it for that) that's what SI does...but there r other ways! don't worry about a reason worry that it's there and u can stop it but it takes time! *hugs* Christine

Re: loser
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 27 17:51:19 2001 (#8213)

Hey Lindsay!! Sweetie don't feel like a loser. I can relate to you. Sometimes I've felt like everyone on this board was raped or abused, and I must be out of place because I wasn't. But no one here is ever out of place. We all belong and we all are bonded by the fact that we SI. I don't cut because something terrible happened to me. I'm not sure of my exact reasons for cutting but I know that it gives me control in my life, and that I cut when things are going on around me that I can't emotionally take. Really, everyone has their own reasons for cutting. No one has a story here that is exactly the same, but we are all still welcomed here to support each other and care about one another. Lindsay, you have turned to SI like the rest of us. But that does not make you a loser.

Lots of love

Lindsey
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 27 17:53:29 2001 (#8215)

OOOH hun I realized I spelled ur name wrong...I'm sorry. I'm used to writing it w/ an "a" and urs is w/ an "e!!" My bad! Take care.

some days i just don't want to get out of bed
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 27 09:58:01 2001 (#8206)

It was 9PM when I finally got up and stayed up.It is good to know you guys are here. I just don't want to be anymore. Cutting dosen't take those feelings, or thoughts, or whatever they are away.

I guess I better go to the other board.

Re: some days i just don't want to get out of bed
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 16:16:19 2001 (#8211)

Dawn, please don't do ne thing "stupid"! PLEASE if u need someone I'm here for u! *hugs* PLEASE DON'T! Christine

Re: some days i just don't want to get out of bed
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jun 27 16:33:21 2001 (#8212)

some days i dont want to get up ethier... i sleep to take my mind of cutting i guess it works (sometimes) *smile* stay safe-lindseY

Re: some days i just don't want to get out of bed
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jun 28 01:33:09 2001 (#8232)

Hey Dawn, It's Rhonda. (Tara's Mom) If you ever want to e-mail me,please do. I'm 41 and while I don't cut, everyone knows Tara does, or did, and I was with her every step of the way. I just thought if you wanted someone closer to your age, although still a bit younger, (HA!HA!) to talk to, I'm the girl. We wouldn't have to talk about the cutting if you don't want to. We could just to MOM talk. Anyway, let me know. I also care about you and I hope you are safe. Love, Rhonda

Re: some days i just don't want to get out of bed
Posted by brother on Thu Jun 28 03:47:21 2001 (#8240)

i have many days like that then again i go for days without sleeping at all

uuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm
Posted by loxley on Wed Jun 27 14:29:23 2001 (#8207)

Where to I begin thought I better let u know I am having a serious crisis with the issue to the church I feel so betrayed especailly with the fact that I have been called to God's Service but not just yet have other things I wish to do before I do that and to mature more as a christian first all scary stuff and took me lots of time getting used to the idea. The thing is I feel that at the minute I am having problems with taking communion. Its hard to explain really most likely to do what happened and the questions and feelings etc of what happened at Christchurch and the way I was just left to myself what happened to justice I wonder? Its just I guess its a mixture of policy and so forth and the way the closing ranks of the clergy I am a bit relunant to talk about it as I never got no where and the bullying I recived too ah well u know now I dunno its this wrestle with my life's vocation of what god whats of me and well my personal experience of the church and how it trests people unfairly I know all churches are not like that but when one gets it from Bishop and Archbishop etc well that its different my question is where is saftey? and why are people covering up for there fellow parishors saying they put up with it for yrs but why should one have to endure that when it means safety is an issue. I often wonder if what happened if I was to just walk into christchurch and yer and Brian starts on me and i had been assured that police be called but yer right when they take sides especailly the clegy when they should appear neutal alas I dont know where I am goign with this

I wonder if i be better off worshipping god in my own way without the church but then I be most unhappy as then I feel in a small way that I have let God done in rejecting my vocation to the church. So as u proberly guess not sure how or where to go from here. I have been wresting with it for months now and more so recently but was very relunatly to say anything though as the current vicar at this other church know the sisters and fr Andrew and as u do get talking so I guess it was better not to say anything then nothing can get backlash into my face. Yer I do understand that its most difficult situation but an unfair one and i think clear changes needed to be made and if something like this happened then not rest on the local clergy of a particuar church as when two are of his church nor interfer in such matters that are the law of the land. I am just so disillusioned and so spilt as to my loyalaty and wonder at times if god is really in the church establishment and that it is all now policitics. Its as if all is my fault and that they say things always seen to happen to me and they have a go at me for it etc and when its not I mean how can i be responable for other peoples actions towards me when people keep hurting me pyhically and mentally

My scares are very immflammed and damn the hospital two yrs sog could have stitched them and not strip them I feel so let down as if people cant be bothered with me and now they are very red and wide and well I fele like complaining as a few people told me that I could as been treated unfirly and unjust but i dunno who to etc grrrrr I rather disappear from this I cant cope with it and espeacilly either way my decison to do with the church as its my vocation but have been so babdly treated. Susan

Re: uuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 27 17:52:37 2001 (#8214)

Susan, sweetheart. Calm down, make good decisions. Use cocobutter lotion, it'll help the scars fade in color. Please I'm not to sure what to say here, I have had my communion in the church. God loves us all no matter what has happened. The people in the church are just servants of god, No one can take away his love for you.

hang in there. -Love- =)

Attention:Kas(Sunflower)
Posted by Linda on Wed Jun 27 15:00:14 2001 (#8208)

I just wanted you to know that I had to uninstall and reinstall my server which automatically erased my address book. I can not find your address. I hope you are still reading the posts here so that you know to write me again.

ARGH, someone tell me they can help me here
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 27 18:02:40 2001 (#8216)

Ok this is going to sound stupid. Yep yep. But it is literally driving me crazy. Grrrrrrrrrrrr....

Ok. So I read a book a while back that described panic attacks. It was a fiction book, I'm pretty sure, because that's what I usually read. This kid (I'm almost positive the kid was a boy) had panic attacks. Only he didn't know they were. He described them as if birds wings were flapping in his chest. And he finally told his doctor and his doctor said they were panic attacks.

I remember this because it was the first time I realized that that was what was happening to me.

Ok. For the life of me I can't remember the name of that book. I thought it was Ordinary People but I reread that book last night (yes I reread it, that's how much it's bugging me) and it wasn't. I'm at the point where I'm going to go reread every single book in my bookshelf (which is a heck of a lotta books). It's all I can think about. That line about the birds wings keeps going around and around and around in my head but I can't remember what book it is. It's really not important but it's like I HAVE to find out. I don't know. Someone please tell me you've read that book and know the name of it. Please.

Lots of love

Re: ARGH, someone tell me they can help me here
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jun 28 01:17:53 2001 (#8228)

I'll go to a book message board I know of and see if anyone can tell me the name of it. It may take a few days, but if I hear anything, I'll let you know. Love,Tara's Mom

Re: ARGH, someone tell me they can help me here
Posted by *me* on Thu Jun 28 02:00:20 2001 (#8236)

Thank you so much. I spent the entire day today trying to remember, and going thru my books to see if I could figure out which one I read it in. It's really bugging me.

Lots of love

With Love, Kat-hryn
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 27 18:12:14 2001 (#8217)

From the replies I have gotten here on this board from you fine young ladies is unbelievable. SO much love, so much caring, so much support. you all lend a helping hand and it means so much to me. I honestly have no one in my life besides my therapist, (which I dont particularly like) to talk to. All my friends have vanished since I was in the mental hsopital twice and began cutting. Every single one of them. We need to rtake some of that love and caring and hugs that we give each other and give some of it to ourselfs. each and every one of us are unique and precious in our own way. Please love yourself before you love anyone else. We all need support here, we also need to learn how to support ourselfs in time of need. I guess Im writting this to myself kinda, I have such a low self esteem and such low standards for myself, its crazy. We are all worhty of living on this planet. =)

-Love-

Re: With Love, Kat-hryn
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 20:46:21 2001 (#8221)

KAT, we(or atleast I) will always love, care, and support u no matter what! u r an important part of this board and will always be! *hugs* Christine

Re: With Love, Kat-hryn
Posted by jue on Thu Jun 28 01:11:20 2001 (#8226)

KAT.

hi i don't really know you at all. but that post was so beautiful. i know all about low self-esteem. it is strange b/c i am shaking inside and come across as calm and collected so no one ever says anything. what a tangled life. but i am thankful for your posts. i love hearing posotive attitudes, it's refreshing. okay i won't get too sappy. heh heh heh. but just thought i would express my thanks to those who have come and those who have gone on this board. THIS IS ME GIVING HUGS lovejulie

Can someone help me????
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 27 18:42:26 2001 (#8218)

Ok well I just noticed that the slices on my upper thighs are kinda deep and pretty long. But the thing is that around at least 3 of the cuts the skin is like purple and blue, Im scared. I dont know whats wrong with them. I want to ask my mom so much but she cant know that I still cut. Can someone tell me whats wrong??

Re: Can someone help me????
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Wed Jun 27 19:18:00 2001 (#8219)

What you should probably do is just see a doctor. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Drew:)

Re: Can someone help me????
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 20:50:01 2001 (#8222)

KAT, it's nothing too big...they're just infected...it happened to mine a few weeks ago and the infection went away in 3 days! I didn't c ne one and they're perfectly fine now! but just incase u might wanna c a doctor or wait it out for a few...the better 1 is see the doctor! *hugs* Christine

Re: Can someone help me????
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jun 28 01:15:47 2001 (#8227)

Hey KAT, I would think about seeing a doctor if it gets any worse. Could also be bruising around the cut. If you don't see a doctor, please keep the cuts very clean and put antibiotic cream on them. That would help some. Take care of yourself. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: Can someone help me????
Posted by jue on Thu Jun 28 01:21:26 2001 (#8229)

put some cream like polysporin on it and cover it but not to tight, allow some air to circulate in and around it. clean it with salt water a couple times a day. if it doesn't get better definetely see a dr. i feel like such a hypocrite b/c i won't tell my mom, but depending on what will happen it might be better for you to. but i don't really know. please please take care of yourself. love julie

Re: Can someone help me????
Posted by Maggie on Thu Jun 28 13:04:15 2001 (#8246)

If it's not bruising, then an infection can be quite dangerous, especially if the cuts are deep. Infection means you have bacteria in the cut, and if they got into your blood stream you could get serious problems - including septicaemia (toxic shock). So definately put on antibiotic cream and if there is no change soon, then you should probably see a doctor. Don't wanna alarm you, but I know of a case of blood infection from cutting- so especially be aware of developing any rash on your chest or high temperature - then you should go to the hospital.

I hope it gets better soon. Take care, Luv Maggie.

ummmmmmm shit
Posted by loxley on Wed Jun 27 20:28:26 2001 (#8220)

um I dunno how to say this but um I almost tried to cut myself shit (sorry) after so long without not and I came so close to dunno how I be for the rest of today though I am trying so hard not to and well the tension is just increasing Maybe am being to hard on myself I dunno but I feel so damn guility that I want to and came so close and even as I write this I dont wanna die nor do I intend to but I am finding it so hard to express what I need to and that Robert guy not helping shit

am goign to try and see if I can email and get hold of the vicar am so close and its really freaky me out I mean had the blade in one hand goign over the skin ah shit and asked myself do I really wanna do this - in haste i threw it across the rm shit shit shit! hugs and love lox

Re: ummmmmmm shit
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 27 20:54:41 2001 (#8223)

calm down hun...ur being way too hard on urself! we all slip up 1ce in a while! just calm down! we're not gonna b mad at u or ne thing if u slip it's ok...we all do it! if r still important on this board whether u slip or not! don't worry about it...atleast u made it for a lil while w/o cutting! I'm here for u! *hugs* Christine

Re: ummmmmmm shit
Posted by jue on Thu Jun 28 01:29:27 2001 (#8231)

a slip is not the end. it is simply a setback if you just think of it as an isolated time and don't keep doing it. but if you manage not to that is soo amazing. i am soo proud of you for going so far. you have amazing strength. love julie

Re: ummmmmmm shit
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jun 28 01:24:10 2001 (#8230)

Hey Lox, Calm down. For you to stop yourself shows you want to try to stop cutting. Do some of the things Tara suggests like squeezing ice in your hands, popping a thick rubber band on your wrist. I've seen her do both these things and it helped her somewhat. Got your e-mail but haven't sat down and read it yet. I'll write you later on. Stay strong girl. I believe in you. Love, Tara's Mom

I don't knonw what to do
Posted by Melanie on Wed Jun 27 22:01:49 2001 (#8224)

I'm new here...but I just need to get this out...I cut, almost everday. I know I should get help, but I can't...I don't really want to stop cutting, I need it...It's the only way i know how to deal with anything. I don't have the strenght to fight it anymore, I've been fighting too long...so now when the urges come, i just accept it...I don't know what to do...

Re: I don't knonw what to do
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 27 22:20:55 2001 (#8225)

everything you said Ive told myself in my mind thousands of times. I'm still looking for the answer. what can help me? so far, the only thing thats helped me from not cutting is not having anything to cut with and not using my body as a tool. Please be safe, and dont give up hope. Im in the same boat you are hun. =)

Re: I don't knonw what to do
Posted by jue on Thu Jun 28 01:46:59 2001 (#8234)

MELANIE

i am soo glad you came here. i have found this board very supportive and helpful. and i am sure you will too. cutting used to be all i could do to cope. i still do but way less often. i am on medication and go to counselling a lot. i just got this book called THE SCARRED SOUL by TRACY ALDERMAN. i totally recommend it. every chapter is full of activities to help you better understand and to stop harming yourself. HAVE YOU TOLD ANYONE ELSE???? i know it is a very hard. but depending on your situation and relationships with people it can be very supportive or drive you to cut even more. i always thought that when i told my parents that i would let them down but that wasn't how they reacted. they were very supportive and have helped me. my mom said that when your child is hurting that you hurt with them b/c you are a part of them. so i would recommend letting them know what it going on. love julie. take care and post again.

Re: I don't knonw what to do
Posted by black rose on Thu Jun 28 02:21:18 2001 (#8237)

Melanie, welcome to the board! if u need ne thing we're all here for u! there are other ways of coping besides cutting and if u don't wanna try them then atleast we can try to help u cut less! I respect ur feelings for not wanting to stop cuz we all have them! u'll notice that u'll have other things incommon then just cutting! take care! *hugs* Christine

Re: I don't knonw what to do
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jun 28 06:49:29 2001 (#8245)

Welcome to the board, sweetie. I've found it very supportive here, we all feel the same way as you, so feel free to rant and rave all you want, we won't judge you. SI can really take over your life. Sometimes I find myself just consumed with the thoughts and it can really overpower you. I'm not gonna try to make you stop, that's not my job, but whatever you decide, we're here for you, k?

hugs,

Sharon

Re: I don't knonw what to do
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jun 29 04:25:43 2001 (#8264)

Melanie, Hi. I'm the mom of a cutter who post here also.Some of the others on this board know me. I just try to give simple advice and I support all the kids and adults here. I don't know about the urges to cut so I can't help you there. I just want you to know that I care about you and want you to be safe. If you cut and burn, just keep them really clean. I mean, I can't tell you to stop. Maybe in time, you'll slow down and even stop. It has been almost 6 months since Tara cut or burned herself. Keep posting here. This is the best place I have found. Everyone here knows what your feelings are cause chances are they have felt the same way. We all support each other. Take care and stay safe. Love, Rhonda (Tara's Mom)

Re: I don't knonw what to do
Posted by Dawn Overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 3 06:10:32 2001 (#8358)

Melanie, I've only been on the board about two weeks. I'm an old timer. I've been cutting for 12 years. In the first several years I too cut everyday, usually two or three times a day.I'd give away my scissors (that's my friend). I'd cut when I was angry. I'd cut when I was having flashbacks....it was the only way to stop them. I'd cut when I felt empty, or bored, or numb. I took on the title of cutter and made it my own. In some respects I'm proud to tell people I'm a cutter, and that it is how I deal with pain.

I know pain. I've been sexually abuse since I was in diapers. I know shame. Not from being a cutter, but the shame of being touched.

I don't cut very often now. But I did cut just a few weeks ago. I know how to keep my wounds clean and let them heal. I tell people I may want to die or just cut, but I don't want to get an infection....It may not be logical... it is just that way.

As so many say on here. Stay safe. We all love you. We become part of a family here. So welcome to the faminly.... Dawn

Tara
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jun 28 01:41:17 2001 (#8233)

Could everyone say a little prayer for Tara. Today her boyfriend told her things were moving to fast and he wanted to cool down for a while. She took it fairly well, but as I talked to her, she started crying. She's sleeping right now, cause that seems to help her, but it would lift her up to hear from some of you. She still likes him and I did talk to him earlier. He just wants to slow down and not get really serious. They are both young but that doesn't matter if you really care for someone. Just let her know that you all still care for her as she cares for all of you. Thanks guys. Love, Rhonda

Re: Tara
Posted by lindsey on Thu Jun 28 04:10:49 2001 (#8241)

iknow ur hurt, i would be too, im tiniking of u, but b/c someone hurt u plz dont hurt ur self. im sorry u are in such pain at this time, ur in my thoughts all the time xoxoxo

Re: Tara
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jun 28 06:41:22 2001 (#8244)

Aww, Tara sweetie, I'm sorry. It hurts when you love someone that much. I'm here if you ever want to talk and stuff. Talk to your mom, she's great. We're all here for you. Writing stuff out helps, and so does a good round of screaming. Either that or popcorn, chick flicks, and girl friends. Well, that's it for now, I hope you feel better soon, we're here for ya, and we love you, k?

BIG hugs,

Sharon

Re: Tara
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jun 29 05:30:03 2001 (#8268)

Tara, I am terribly sorry life has given you a bitter pill, relationship wise. Relationshps are difficult, but when you are young it is harder. You are so lucky to have a mom who cares for you. Listen to her as well and talk to her. Mom's are smarter than we give them credit for when we are young. My thoughts are with you. You are not alone. Hugs... Dawn

tara sweetheart
Posted by jue on Thu Jun 28 01:52:45 2001 (#8235)

TARA

just want to let you know that i am hoping for you. take careful care and post if you want. be careful. i can see where you are coming from. rant and rave and scream and yell. put on heavy shoes and stop around. when you feel better start fake crying it always makes me laugh and makes life lighter. we are here for you. love julie

Tara *hugs*
Posted by black rose on Thu Jun 28 02:30:22 2001 (#8238)

Tara *sis*, don't worry about him...my bf just broke up w/me 2 weeks ago...he said it was him when we broke up but b4 cuz I wouldn't give him 1 thing that I wasn't ready for he dumped me! guys have the worst reasons for breaking up w/ppl! he should b the 1 crying cuz he lost a great person who can never b replaced! if I were him I'd b kicking myself in the head! ur a great person and nothing can change that! I love u sis*! *hugs* Christine

To Tara's Mom
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jun 28 05:55:26 2001 (#8242)

Hey, it's Sharon. I just wanted to let you know that I took your advice and talked to my mom about the SI. We really got closer by it and I got some stuff out. She thought it was just a phase or something at first. So, at any rate, thanks for the advice.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: To Tara's Mom
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jul 5 03:14:52 2001 (#8399)

Hey Sharon, Sorry it took so long for me to post back. I'm glad you talked to your mom. I hope she listens to you without judging you. If you ever need to talk, just write me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

beaten
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jun 28 06:37:19 2001 (#8243)

I was thinking yesterday, what constitutes "conquering" SI? I mean, is it when you stop having the urges or you stop cutting or what? I'm about a week and a half or so cut-free, but I don't feel like I have a victory or anything over it. I still get the urges to do it almost every day, so when can I say I've beaten it? When can I say I'm better? So, that was spinning around inside my head while I was in the shower (Heh, all my profound thinking happens then or when I eat!) Well, that's it for now.

hugs to all,

Sharon

Re: beaten
Posted by jue on Fri Jun 29 00:00:19 2001 (#8258)

i don't really know. i used to think that it was when i no longer consider it even an option but i don't know if i will ever accomplish that. i think mostly it is when you resist the urges. congrats for resisting so long. i haven't since saturday. approaching a week. YEAH. take care. julie

Re: beaten
Posted by Dawn... Overcoming-1 on Fri Jun 29 05:45:01 2001 (#8269)

I have gone 6-8 months between cutting, maybe even longer. Then a pile of stress comes at me all at once and I wig out and cut.

I am a cutter....but I don't think about cutting every day any more and when I do it isn't as strong a pull as it used to be, but I've been cutting now for 10-12 years. Thearapy has helped a lot. The more I talk about what I'm feeling, and feel the feelings in a safe environment the less I cut.

When You get to the why and passed it the urges will slowly deminish. I'll be paying for you...Dawn

Re: beaten
Posted by Rabbit on Fri Jun 29 20:34:49 2001 (#8275)

I think conquering it is not having to live constantly trying NOT to cut. I haven't cut in 2 weeks now, but I want to so bad, so I don't feel like I've conquered it. I think it's being able to go about life with all of its garbage and not have that internal struggle of I need to cut but I can't but I need to but I can't... so on and so forth. Maybe being able to look back and say " you know, a year ago I would have cut because of this feeling or situation, etc. but now I don't have to and don't even really want to." I don't know, but that's what I think.

Re: beaten
Posted by suzie on Sat Jun 30 06:58:17 2001 (#8287)

i think personally, that we never FULLY beat it. its like cancer, you can never ever beat it, once its there its there forever, it can come back, or it can stay hidden forever.

i think that when we dont cut, we are in "remishion" (cant spell) but when we do, we had a relapse.

and if you think about it, its actually kinda true. Many people stop and never do it again for the rest of their lifes, but some people do it on and off for the rest of their lives.

so i think when we are cut free, we're only in remishion

arghhhhhhhh
Posted by loxley on Thu Jun 28 15:33:21 2001 (#8247)

hiya how yer doing? I not long email my Gp surgery and the practice manager who actually does check his mails lol had sent one back and that he had a word with the doctor and am seeing him later at 6pm when his syrgery is finish. dont want a repeat of last night tho. I did in the end stop my medication last Thurs in case I was preg thank god am not but not goign back on those meds tho and since then have gone downhill and feeling very low and thoughts of self harming as I cant express or get out the feeligns I need to. By noy only what happened with this guy but links with past bad experiences etc I am finding taht I cant cope and got real scared last night as I came so close to doing something silly and this morning thank god i did not I am still feeling this way and I need to talk to someone about this I dont want to die nor do I intent to but at the rate I am currently goign down I dont know what to do I need help I hate to admit this I thought I oculd do it by myself

Thanks guys for being there for me last night means the world to me and to know taht I do instead have true friends out them hugs and love loxley PS have to try and get thought the next few hrs guys withour hurting or what not so painkicy too a nervous wreak god never been this bad in a good while now ah shit last thing dont wanna do is to break my record lol

god bless Susan

mental-help over and over...
Posted by lindsey on Thu Jun 28 18:40:42 2001 (#8250)

hey guys, ok the other nite me and my cousin whos 2 years younger then me were at the park, i was on the swing and she started talking about my cuts, she doesnt understand at all she thinks i tried to likk my self i try and try to explain but she doesnt get it the she said "i see some new mark" "everytime i see a new mark on u im going to cut my self, u dont me to hurt my self do u linds" i dont know what to i dont want her to hurt her self but she mocks me about my cuts like when i was on teh swing she kept say "MENTAL HELP" in time with the swing she said it for like 15 min ova and ova agian sayingi need mental help I AM IM IN THERPY!!

Re: mental-help over and over...
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 28 19:29:59 2001 (#8253)

Lindsey...I understand totally my younger brother is about 6 years younger then me. He is constantly criticizing me. It hurts sometimes but Ive learned to ignore it. He will say all kinds of things like, " your crazy, thats why you have no friends" "your mental" your crazy get away from me" no wonder no one likes you, your insane, you cut yourself" no wonder your boyfriend broke up with you, your crazy and ugly" . He also said once "Im gonna cut myself too so I can get all the attention". that hurt because I wouldnt wish my life or pain upon anyone and for my brother to see me as only getting attention. I feel so bad. Just ignore the negative things people say, they dfont know what their talking about because they have no idea what its like. hang in there good luck. -Love-

Re: mental-help over and over...
Posted by jue on Fri Jun 29 00:04:48 2001 (#8259)

i have found that people typically lash out when they don't undersatnd something. it is pathetic but i see it in every disgusted stare at my arms and legs. sometimes they can eventually understand. but no one deserves that. it increases guilt and shame. take care. love julie

Re: mental-help over and over...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jun 29 04:35:03 2001 (#8265)

Hey Lindsey, It's Rhonda. Personally, I would tell them several things. 1)Grow up and get a life! 2)Shut the hell up or 3) If you don't want to see them,quit looking at me! Of course, I tend to shoot my mouth off if someone gets me really mad so these might not help you.It would make me feel better though. (HA!HA!) Ask her if she really understands what SI is about. Maybe she doesn't know and this is her way of maybe finding out. If she still resists, forget it. Or better yet, ask her if she wants to go to a therapy session with you, that might shut her up. Anyway, take care of yourself. I care about you. Love, Rhonda (Tara's Mom)

Re: mental-help over and over...
Posted by suzie on Sat Jun 30 06:54:59 2001 (#8285)

Your cousin is saying that because she dosent understand. help her understand. sit her down and tell her why you cut, how it helps, what it dose, tell her the GOOD and the BAD. tell her about the bad so she dosent start. tell her that you're not trying to kill yourself, and explain everything about it.

and tell her that "mental help" is not politically correct. I donno how old she is, but if she is around 12 or 13 and has to be perfect, she will stop saying "mental help" but oh well, its a shot

Re:Lindsey isn't mental
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 5 08:17:59 2001 (#8404)

Lindsey, I am sorry you are being ridiculed and that I didn't read this posting before. Maybe it was not meant to be any earlier for me to respond.

I have 3 adult children who all know I cut. They've gotten calls from me when I was in a halfway house on suicide watch. The oldest pelted me with her anger. The other two just can't deal with it. I think its fear. They are afraid of losing me. I think they also feel helpless to help me. Another thing is that they have so much wrong inside themselves that they keep pushing down that they see themselves in me.

Their support would do so much for me. But I don't get it from them so I have to be the only to do the work and reward myself for my courage, even when I cut. love ya... Dawn

update ..um the doc visit lol!!
Posted by loxley on Thu Jun 28 22:30:32 2001 (#8254)

Hiya now to the dread Doc visit lol yer was so nervous and shitting myself was so scared not wanna hurt me aagin and yer he asked when last time etc and I said over a yr or so and he checked my noptes and lol it been longer than the 17mths shit almost 2 yr mark bloody hell that long hehhe pat on the back for little meeee ANyway I ask to change meds back and he back on me original dose that had worked expect hyper and that was 40mg of Prozac that that bit told him about the relationship Robertt and the past the flasbacks too worse lately etc and evreything on top of me liek and he is goign to refer me to some specialist who dunno but he will get back to me in the next day or so via email. So taht was good told him about feelign stuff cant express it nor do i know how to and he well not surprised and partly as well with me hearing too so dunno what he goign to do have to wait and see and um yer I told him that I fougth so hard to hand in therre last nioght and tthis morning and he said about me goign into hossie I shook my head nooo as mother will find out etc and well he said the option was there for me if I want it no way I dont think so tho I think it make it worse as thatr enivornment tends to and well at least at home I have u guys and my study when i can be bothered with it etc and do what I want to do like and be so lost if I did but I mean at least he gave me taht chice and its there I guess but um i think its just a point of waiting again lol all I ever seem to do story of my life lol ok dok thats about it I think yer hugs and love always lox

Re: update ..um the doc visit lol!!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 28 22:36:15 2001 (#8256)

Good Luck Lox, hang in there sweetie. Your doing great! =)

Re: update ..um the doc visit lol!!
Posted by loxley on Fri Jun 29 00:58:45 2001 (#8263)

am doing me best but am feelign better thought at last I feel that I had to do something take action and well with the last vicar and he was a great friend hope he be sincere and relpy back tho for old times sake i hope sa he too curious lol as he did alot for me and more of a vicar whould and a friend tho he was there for me anytime he took time made it his busniess as he saw the good in me and the great future i have an dam so glad but i dunno not that i want it all back but wanna to be able to have a chat from time to go out for a beer osscaionaly u know lox

upadte 2 - the vicar visit lol!!
Posted by loxley on Thu Jun 28 22:34:27 2001 (#8255)

hiya guys hope u all doing okay and enjoying the summer weather whichever part of the globe u are.

ummmm just after I logged off this afternoon I had a knock on the door and to my shock there was the vicar lol - at least it it kill an hr or so before my dread doctor appointment which was an emergery one back to that on another posting otherwise it be too long here lol. Yer when he left the vicar taht is Derek he said that I certainly looked better than I did when he came in lol yer. It was pleased to see him and well we just chated a bit or rather try to lol and mostly about the church tho about the communion issue and the church as an establishment etc and what happened at ChristChurch yer I guess it was good I guess and believe it or not what stunned me the most was um that after he le=ft I went and called on the vicar of my last church ....arggggghhhhhhh... brave or what but I did suddenly realise that I needed to do so if I was ever goign to truly move on from that particular issue I had lost a great and valuable friend out what was a very difficult situation all round and anyway he wasnt not there his wife Helen was shocked to see me lol and alas he was not there and just told her to tell Andrew that I had called to say hiya and asked how Helen was I think she was a little taken back not only of m,y visit to the vicarage but also the fact change in my attitude I think urprised myself thats werid huh funny how things go tho anyway so I got home and thought I may have his email and bingo yes I did so email him and well this is what I put (see below)I think I had to say what I needed to and he had helped me alot and if not for him I guess not be here now it was him that started me off on the healing process and was him that helped to stop me self harming knowing taht I good call on him day and night if I needed to he ws more than a vicar he really cared for me and well i like to think we can still chat as we dont now and well ummmm anyway ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -

Hiya, How yer doing? Surprised? Surprised myself I think hehhehe

Thougth I email you seen as I have your email and likely to catch u at somepoint. Thought I call u and give up an update so to speak on my life and what is happening now. As I do know who did care and think highly of me whether u still do I dont know but I like to think that we can be friends like. Some quiet postive things have come about since leaving ChristChurch. At the time I was lost but yer greta things have come about the negivation, a rather difficult and unfortuate situation. I dont blame you in anyway its just that maybe u could have handled it a bit better, perhaps we all could have. It was unfortunate stituation that occurred and my safety was parmount reluntaly as I was to leave ChristChurch. I like to be able to share these with you if I may yer. Its this 'tension' whether taht is the right word I'm not sure but like for u to know how I have moved on and all that. Maybe over a drink? Although I am still in the Parish for now I like to think that we can be friends despite the fact that I no longer go to ChristChurch. Its the church as an inistution I have some problems with and not necessary you remeber that okay. I guess we all were very hurt by the whole affair and one effected everyone noticly me and ChristChurch but as I said before my safety was the main issuse here.

Enough of that lol, how have you been the children must have grown a lot! I still see Cathy from time to time and couple of others. There is a couple of issues I like to discuss with u if I may: the first is regarding the Maggs wedding blessing in November (I think if my memory serves me right)they have said they they understand totally if I not go to it. I love to but as you can see (maybe?) my dilema on the issue? and secondly with regards to Stefan's baptism when Cathy and Mike is ready to do so. Just after he was born Cathy had asked me to be his godparent, I dont know whether u know of this. Cathy knows that I wont go into ChristChurch on normal Sunday if she has him Cristianised there so I wondered whether there is another way maybe of me being so without having to be present as much as I love to but it be impossible I think, maybe not I dont know. It be so sad even if I cant be there if people asked me too whether for wedding, funeral or baptism and feel dishearted to have to stay no because of the safty issue. You see my premint here? What a dilema I know! and wondered what u think about this too.

Okay dok thats the churchy bit out the way - well almost!

From the events of last year, the unfortunate situation I thought that I update you on not only how I am but also where I have moved to and on so to speak! First, Aaron my five-year-old Godson had now able to move on from what happened to him at ChristChurch. It had taken many distressing nights and behaviour of screaming and pulling back when ever he goes near a church especially Christchurch.of which am glad that he is able to go in with the school. Hard work with him had now paid off and in a sense come well had come out of the bad. He is now very settled and enjoying himself at St MArys where he has grown so much and am so proud of him.

After trying St Paul’s on the triangle and All Saints at Paston of both which I did not feel as comfortable as things were very much different from what I was used to. On the positive side it did give me a 'taste' if you like and experience of what other churches in the diocese was like. It was a bit of a 'culture shock' if I may refer to it that way. All churches I realised perhaps for the first time were in fact all very much different and unique. Its not until one actually experience this does one really take it into effect in ways that it deserves. Finally at Midnight Mass last year I wanted to go as have done for years before but without my godson's mother who went to ChristChurch as it was across the road (the only time she is in church expect a few times in the yr) From the moment I walked in at St Mary’s I felt at home maybe the church building had much to play a part.

As ChristChurch was a modern building and so is St Mary’s and though old church buildings are a joy and one which I am especially interested in and hope to study after yr gap a PhD in medieval monastic town planning and how it relates to urbanism and its development patterns and growth. Something to my surprised had not been tackled on a large scale (the combination of both archaeology and urban history) expect two papers to my knowledge one on St Albans and Bury St Edmunds.

It was rather hard to go from a modern building to an old one and its seems had a more older tradition in worship I found than the modern churches. Whether this is the case I am not sure. Anyway from then on St Mary's became my church home after so long it seems looking! In the mist of it all I saw this as negative and so dis-hearting and thought that I never find another church where I feel that I am a part of in more ways than one but the most important for me was the liturgy. Then at Easter time my joy was complete, Aaron after so much heart ache, expect for the outside events, which he often came, one evening just before going off to the Stations of the Cross Service I went to visit him on my way round and to my astonishment, my prayers had been answered, he asked if he could come and me and his mother both looked at each other in amazement wondering if he was feeling alright. He knows that I never let any harm come to him knowing and he had always adorned me and am so proud to be his godparent one sadly people do not take as seriously as they once did. But for me was not just by promise to God and to him but to be there for him anytime to play and to nurture him. To me does not matter which faith he wants to be but for him to be informed and to have that choice is what important to me. Anyway I told his mother that I did not mind him coming along that evening as it was not a sitting down service and be a good for him to explore the church in his own pace. This was on the proviso that when he got back in its straight to bed and he kept to his word. He panicked when he got there saying he wanted to go home I spent ten minutes outside comforting him and staying that this is not the same place as the other one and that person not be there and I never let anyone hurt him when he is with me. He was so brave and when he was in there he was very curious lad and bingo off he went to explore freely and people did not seem to mind as long as he was quite! Then all week he kept saying when Aunty Susan was going again and he went that Sunday I was very watchful half expecting someone to bring him down from Sunday School in tears but no the grins and smiles said it all and I almost cried. That little boy had been through so much and I knew I had done the right thing by him.

I knew then if I had remained and 'toughten' it out and ChrishChurch despite not being nor feeling safe Aaron would not have come nor would he see me as being for him and having his interests at heart. He knows that I no longer have links with ChristChurch and for that he now realises that he is safe from that one person who had hurt him. He is now more confident in himself and not as shy as he once was. I had done right by him and myself despite the uncertain good had now come out of the bad and Aaron had now found a home, he has his moments when he remembers what had happened but he is now not letting him enjoy what he wants to do, which for me is the most important thing and his choice. I just take him with me if he wants to as his parents work and had only since then missed one week of it. Anyway sorry if I am rambling on a bit here do forgive me I just wanted so much to share this with you.

That’s Aaron, for me, I still felt in a sense lost and felt that injustice had been done and the questions of why it had to be me that leave the church when I was not at fault. I still struggle with that even today at times but rejoice in the positive I have now gained despite I very much miss ChristChurch, realising the church true diversity, and realising that as it was very much my lets say the home where I was brought up like Jesus could not be in his home town, this is perhaps very true for me here, as I would not have grown much in faith if I had remained at ChristChurch, in sense inhibiting me and never really be treated nor be regarded as an true adult in my own right as people who known you for years when you where a child tend to keep you that way realising in a sense blind to what I could achieve within the church and reasonabilities within it. I am grateful for that change, as without it I don’t think I would have grown more in faith and realising so much more and the richness of it.

I better let u know I am wrestling with the issue to the church, and being that there is many flaws and is now becoming far too policial I fear. I feel so betrayed especially with the fact that I have been called to God's Service but not just yet have other things I wish to do before I do that and to mature more as a Christian first all scary stuff and took me lots of time getting used to the idea as you may remeber. Its hard to explain really most likely to do what happened and the questions and feelings etc of what happened at Christchurch In a way I have forgiven for what had happened as now out of it had been lots of positive effects but as well as the negative. I don’t know its this wrestle with my life's vocation of what God what’s of me and well my personal experience of the church and how it treats people unfairly I know all churches are not like that. My question is where is safety? Sorry I shut up abit lol I often still get a bit carried awat hehehe

I have even wondered if i be better off worshipping god in my own way without the church but then I be most unhappy as then I feel in a small way that I have let God done in rejecting my vocation to the church. I am still a bit disillusioned and spilt as to my loyalty and wonder at times if God is really in the church establishment and that it is now just all politics. It was a very difficult and distressing situation for all parties. I have been wresting with it for months now and more so recently but was very relunatly to say anything in case of backlash. But again I hope we all in a sense can move on and let it be in a sense a subject 'water under the bridge' so to speak!

Anyway that is the past I said what I needed to be said, that I do not blame u in case of course u do think that! You have done so much for me and I am in your debt and if it not be for u and u little annoying irrating um pushes then I guess in a small way I not be where I am nowadays and thank for that. We were friends not just as my vicar and I still like to think along those lines that we are. You have been so vaulable in and to my life and I just wanted to say that if that is okay with you. Flattery lol from me heheh! No seriously I mean it as I think you do no. Erm think am goign a little bit silly now lol words jumbled hhehe. As I said before it was a difficult a dunfortauaute situation taht had occurred and hope you do not hold me grudges for feelign atht I had to leave nor to do what I considered was right and just.

when really and to share with you the positive things that have occurred out of this distressing situation, one which I have not yet fully recovered physically, my thumb is still very weak but given time it hopefully be better.

The main issue for me now is that I hope none of this goes against me in whatever way and hope that I do find it in my heart, as God wills me to do, and to not let this unfortunate situation, the notion of personal and church establishment as I am sure there are parts of which u are not happy with, ruin that chance for me to go into the service of his church and move onwards within the my future vocation. For which currently am gaining, learning and finding a foothold once more in a church. It will take a little more time to get to grips with the issue of Church and vocation and to ask serious questiosn like to I want to go into a church where I perhaps am dissatified with some of its polices but I guess it depends on what u regard as being the most important and whether its concided in a way with your personal beliefs and values. Not sure whether have explained or rather expressed this bit int eh right way.

Ok I leave it there, guess alot for you to digest huh still recovering from the shock - heheh I do hope that we could catch up sometime over a drink or something and I can reavel more of my rather exiticing life - if one can call it that!

Do pass on my regards to Helen, Brenda and Barbara Tinker also.

God Bless

Susan

----------------------- ------------------------------ -------- Here is it cantbelieve I did that lol and well I acted on impluse to call on the vicar of my last church ah well at least the email took of more time before thdr appoint throu i called on my godson and took him up to the shop fot a ice lolly any excuse as i wanted one too lol well the doc appointment is in update 2 hugs and love lox

Re: upadte 2 - the vicar visit lol!!
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jun 30 06:50:26 2001 (#8284)

what happened to arron, and who hurt him.

its good that you talked to your vicar. it seems like you were very close to him

keep writing

I am worried!!
Posted by Lexi on Thu Jun 28 22:43:58 2001 (#8257)

My friend and I are in a big fight, and I am scared she is going to cut! What should i do? I am worried for her!

Re: I am worried!!
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 29 00:13:24 2001 (#8260)

oh man, fighting with my friends caused me many cuts. You need to try and talk things out with her, no sence in fighting and staying mad, and also tell her your afraid shes going to cut. Im sure she would like to hear that, wether she expresses it or not.

Re: I am worried!!
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jun 30 06:45:27 2001 (#8283)

i think that you too should make up, i know i know its easier said than done. But a fight is a fight. and you care for this friend by what i can tell. so why let a pitty argument get between you.

it would help you alot to sit down and talk with your friend about your friendship, find out why you started the fight, and figure out how to make the friendship stonger, and also understand HER si. understand why SHE cuts, what SHE feels, and with that knowledge, you can learn how to help her beat this bitch to the ground.

good luck

Thank you all
Posted by Melanie on Fri Jun 29 00:30:04 2001 (#8261)

thank you everyone for your support, having people to talk to is really great. I burned 9 times last night...I havn't been doing so great. It's hard. Mel

Re: Thank you all
Posted by Sharon on Sat Jun 30 00:37:20 2001 (#8278)

Stay strong sweetie, feel free to post anything at any time. We're all here for you. Did something trigger you to burn? Trying to beat this thing is hard, but it's do-able. Especially when you have friends to help you. Stay strong ok? I'm rooting for ya!

hugs,

Sharon

Thanks!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jun 29 04:38:23 2001 (#8266)

Just wanted to tell everyone who wrote to Tara thanks. She is feeling a lot better today.She says thanks also. Just knowing everyone cared enough to write helps her. E-mail her if you get time. She is a letter hound! She loves to write and read them. Anyway, thanks guys. You are all very special to both of us. Love, Rhonda

I did something bad
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 29 05:28:49 2001 (#8267)

I'm not to sure why or what was going on, but I all the sudden lit a match I had in my room , blew it out after it burnt down a little and I stuck the burtn part on my wrist neare my cuts. It was the first time I had every burned myself on purpose, ever!! I was a little afraid to do it, but I did. It hurt to amazingly bad. The pain is so much greater then when I had cut myself, with anything! It hurt soo soo bad, it was just one of those "wow" feelings. I hope I dont use this as my new method od dealing, since I feel Im very desensitized to cutting. It doesnt do the same thing for me anymore, it doesnt hurt bad enough anymore. God pleas e help me and forgive me.

-Love-

Re: I did something bad
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jun 29 06:13:31 2001 (#8271)

Kat, first off you are not bad. Burning yourself hurt bad but you are not bad. You must have been feeling bad, or not feeling. or a number of thing brought you to that point, and I'm sorry it did.

I want to tell you a story, and it is going to sound bad to you, but I'm telling you because I want you to see the difference, ok

I knew a girl who's husband used to burn their baby with his cigarettes. he was mean and cruel. The child was an innocenct baby.

You are innonecent like that baby and you do not deserve to be burned, just like you and I do not deserve to be cut.... but we hurt "ourselves" because we feel Bad.

I do not know you, but I've read your postings, and your responsees and I know that you were not trying to be mean or cruel, you were trying to make emotions pain go away by replacing it with physical pain.

I have burnt myself on woodstoves and by acciden't touching hot pans and such and I know burns hurt and that they hurt for a lot longer than cutting does. In fact when I cut myself it rarely hurts because my mind turns my physical feelings off....

You are right cutting doesn't do for me what it did in the beginning. My left forearm is covered with scars from my elbow to my wrist. my right arm doesn't have as many because I am right handed. But when I hurt myself it isn't a bad thing. The bad thing would be to take my life, or worse yet hurt someone else.

God sees our hurts and he feels our pain, and he loves us still. And even though I do not know you, or where you live--- for all I know you could live half way around the world from Oregon, USA but it doesn't matter because I love you and will be praying that you won't burn youself anymore Love Dawn...Overcoming -1

Re: I did something bad
Posted by rabbit on Fri Jun 29 20:43:20 2001 (#8276)

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry. I know what you mean by feeling like cutting isn't enough anymore. I mean let's face it, it's NOT enough because we are all still so broken and wounded no matter how much we cut. But burning won't be an answer either. It's a different sort of pain, but it's not a solution. Please be careful and try to take care of yourself as best as you can. And as far as God is concerned, He will forgive you and He loves you so very very much. You are a special creation, beautifully and wonderfully made. Keep that in mind.

Re: I did something bad
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jun 30 06:34:54 2001 (#8280)

wow, it seems like we both started the same bad thing together.

its ok. dont be mad at yourself. Its an urge we all live with. YOu needed something new, and you gave it to yourself. the best thing is that you relize it was wrong. thats so strong and that is so beatiful.

I hope with your out look you will be able to get past everything.. Good luck

hmmmm
Posted by sara on Fri Jun 29 06:01:00 2001 (#8270)

does anyone ever wake up with new cuts and can't for the life of them remember where they came from. this happened to me this morning when i woke up and i don't know how or why they got there. i'm scared about what else i could do when i'm not really there...any advice??? i am also going back to therapy (again) soon and not really sure how to introduce the topic or even if i should at all...see i am 17 but i am also a college sophomore so i am wondering if she will have to tell my parents...hmmmmm...ok, so i was looking for advice...any to give, i will take it! sara

Re: hmmmm
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jun 29 07:05:48 2001 (#8272)

I have. Usually I had cleaned and bandaged the wound myself. Then when I woke I it was a weird surreal kind of thing. I knew I had done it, but it seemed like someone else had. It felt like maybe I had a multiple personality. But it isn't. What happens is that we detach, the correct term is dissociate with what we are doing.

I stopped going to church because one night I was feeling bad and walked into the back hallway and was pacing up and down and saw a push pin in a bulletin board and started stabing myself with it without really being aware of where I was or what I was doing. When I came to my senses I got my things and walked home.

I quit listening to Christian music because I would find myself cutting and singing along with the music with all my heart in it.......Then bam I would come back to reality and see what I was doing and I felt so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. How could I do that. It didn't make since. But my therapist told me it is called splitting.

Now when I cut I do it in the bathroom, I don't let it bleed and bleed. And I clean everything up. So what I am saying is that I made some kind of mental agreement with myself that I won't split while cutting. It means I do it calculating and controlled. It does what I need it to do but doesn't defile my relationship with God.

Re: hmmmm
Posted by Rabbit on Fri Jun 29 20:55:14 2001 (#8277)

Oh boy... Ok, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have on many occasions found cuts that I did not make on my body. I have also found myself in situations or places and had no idea how I got there. For me, losing time is a common part of life. I have been recently diagnosed with DID, commonly reffered to as multiple personalities. I'm not sure why you are experiencing this sort of thing. It could be a number of possibilities: blackout drinking, drugs, hypnosis... I don't know. But at any rate, I know how freaky it is to realize that you have done something that you are not aware of. Take care, and DEFINATELY talk to your therapist about it.

Re: hmmmm
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jun 30 06:42:12 2001 (#8282)

i havent ever worken up like that. so i dont know about that.

But i think that you should, BEFOR you talk to your therapist ask her if she will tell. because i know that Elle's therapist dosent tell b/c she is almost 18. but also elles parents already know that shes cuts its just that her therapist dosent tell them about the new cuts.

also i think that if the therapist dose tell it will be very helpfull. I mean it will help you beable to talk to your parents about it, maybe even make your parents understnad. and that fact that you WANT to go to therapy shows alot, it shows that you WANT to get better, and nothing can happen until YOU WANT To.

so maybe if the therapits dose tell your parents it will end up to be a good think because it will close the gap in the relationship that you and your parents have.

poem......"TRIGGERING"
Posted by Overcoming-1 (Dawn_ on Fri Jun 29 08:42:34 2001 (#8273)

Bubble, bubble, bubble My badness starts to bubble Out through the cuts it seeps Then peroxide bubble it away

Scrub, scrub, scrub\ wash away the pain Cut, cut, cut All the fears disappear

Scissors, glass, blades They are all tools of the trade

Whack, Whack, Whack Vengence strikes back no more worries, no more shame self destruct in the name of the game

No more fingers inside me no more pricks in my mouth Whack, Whack, Whack That's what they'll get Their next attack

cut, cut, cut Instead of fuck Instead of suck

NO! NO! NO! I'll snip away the pricks I'll snip away the dicks I'll snip, snip, snip

Don't you dare touch me If you do it will be your last Cuz I an nobody's fucking machine

Whack, Whack, Whack I'll get those suckers back

Bubble, bubble, bubble away, away, away watch the badness they left behind flow, and flow away

No more sadness no more pain watch it bubble down the drain

Re:
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 29 17:44:41 2001 (#8274)

I like it. I hope writting gets some of those painful feelings out bc it sounds like you've had a tough time. hang in there. Nice poem. =)

Re: poem......"TRIGGERING"
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jun 30 06:37:53 2001 (#8281)

wow, that was really intense.

it seems like some bad shit has happened to you, but it always helps to talk.

Come and write more pomes like that here. because writing really helps.

i would love to read some of your other work

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