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Threads 1951 to 2000

Tara's Mom...
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Sun Jun 10 12:50:44 2001 (#7916)

i have read some of the posts you have written, tara is so lucky to have a mum like you. i wish i did. my mum knows about my SI(that i have almost beaten thank god) but she doesnt try to help, infact she wont even talk about it. she tries to pretend that it will go away soon.

i wish all parents were like you as maybe then SI would not be as common. if all children, teens and even adults could talk to their mums, like tara obviously can with you, then maybe just maybe we would all be a bit happier with ourselves.

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Tara's Mom...
Posted by Tara on Mon Jun 11 02:24:31 2001 (#7927)

If you can't talk to your mom, then feel to talk to me. I may not be your mom, but I do care about what happens to you and everyone else on this board. I wish I could bring all of you home to stay with us for a while. It might not help much, but you would be able to see how I think all parents should act towards their children. Not that my husband and I are perfect, but we always try to talk to Tara and help.Being a teenager, she doesn't always want help,so if we know she is safe, we'll let her work it out for herself. I bet your mom is plain scared to talk about it.And I know she is hoping if she doesn't talk about it, it will go away. You might try again to talk to her. If she still resists, try to find someone who will listen. I know this is something that is so hard to beat. I have watched Tara struggle so hard and I admire and respect her for the hard work she has done on herself over the last year or so. It hasn't been easy on her, but she has kept pushing on. She is very special in my heart and I wouldn't trade her for anything, even through the darkest times. I truly believe she will make a huge difference somehow in the world someday,because this has made her into a better person. Oh well, I've blabed on enough. Seriously, if you need to talk or just vent and rage, I'm here for you. Take care and stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom

There is NO hope for me..I'm addicted to cutting
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 10 19:07:37 2001 (#7919)

I remember when I was a child I would get so angrey about things and hit my head against a mirror or the wall and I would feel 100% better. Or I would hit myself or something I was always scared to cut. Then about 2 years ago I began to cut, the first time was the deepest and worse well maybe not the deepest but I am sure I needed stitches yet never recieved care for that. anyway I have been to a psych hospital, therapists, Anti-depressant meds, hotlines,friends,parents, just evereything I can imagine that would try and save myself from myself. I hadnt cut for about 5 weeks then I cut 2 nights ago and again last night I cut my leg about 20 times for the first time. WOW. it made me feel so powerful. I have come to the conclusion that I am addited to cutting and nothing can stp me but death itself. I took the blood from my leg and instead of letting it drip on the floor and stain the carpet I drew pictures with it. And wrote messages of despare. I started out cutting with just about anything you can think of, sharp or not..didnt matter. Then I found a new friend, a razor blade. quick fast easy, pain, alot of blood. I liked it..I began to cut for fun.I do this now. when im bored Ill cut..I couldnt wait to get out of skool to cut , I started to cut during class. wear a jacket and just slice my arm with any object i found on the floor. I told myself last night there is no hope for me and I believe that. I have stopped cutting for a while and started again, its a never ending process. Im sorry to bring all of you down that feel like there is hope for you. Im sure there is.but I am just a lost cause. thanks. anyone have any suggestions? I would love to hear them. thanks =)

Re: There is NO hope for me..I'm addicted to cutti
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 10 20:39:55 2001 (#7922)

KAT, I know how u feel but there is hope for u! u may not see that now but u will! u can't just make it thru with a snap of ur fingers...u gotta work for it..and even then it wont come right away! I hope and pray that u make it thru this and see that there is hope bcuz death isn't th only way to stop u...it's just another bump in the road that prevents u from succeeding! I know u can make it thru bcuz ur strong and u care! I'm praying for u! *hugs* Christine

Re: There is NO hope for me..I'm addicted to cutti
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 10 20:46:28 2001 (#7923)

Hi Christine, thanks a bunch for the support and all. I will definently keep in mind what you have written. I know recovery won't come quick, I have learned this from my drug recovery I am in the process and working the steps now days. I love all the support from this board, you people are life savers. I had posted about my problems on different message boards and usually the reply I got back was oh you just want attnetion and people to feel sorry for you. Which is really the exact opposite of what I wanted but I can't blame those who don't understand for not understanding. anywa thank you, best of luck to you. =)

Re: There is NO hope for me..I'm addicted to cutti
Posted by Maggie on Tue Jun 12 13:16:43 2001 (#7941)

Hi Kat. You sound like me. A couple of times I've painted pictures with my blood. In fact they are my best ever... they are very symbolic. I cut out of boredom too, even when I'm tired in attempt to wake me up. I used to cut in lectures too - my legs under the desks. Once I even snuck out of a lecture to cut I was that addicted.

It's definately an addiction... we get a rush from the endorphins (natural painkillers) that our body releases when injured. Apparently it also is released during stress. I think we cut partially because we are addicted to the endorphins. After all they are opiates - just like morphine and heroin just much more potent in small amounts. So you are not wrong in saying you are addicted - it's quite natural.

Be careful cutting with random instruments. You could pick up all kinds of diseases. I carry my pouch with a razor everywhere I go. It fits into my wallet, pocket and never leave home without it. At least I know where it's been.

I don't think you're a lost cause, but getting better starts in your head. You gotta want to stop, and you admit that you cut for fun... that antagonises any real desire to stopping. Therapy and meds and support are all helpful, but they don't work until you adknowledge that what you do is problem, and really wanna change it.

I'm still stuck in the denial stage, of not wanting to admit that self-injury is bad for me. So I'm using therapy to help come to this realisation, and be passionate enough about it to fix it.

Anyway, hang in there. As long as there is life, there is hope.

Maggie.

there is ALWAYS hope
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Wed Jun 13 19:45:40 2001 (#7947)

no matter wot you think, there is always hope, that light at the end of the tunnle, its there, if you look for it you will find it. I PROMISE. but you cannot give up hope, you cannot give in. youu must fight this, you must. SI is not forever, it is something that can be beaten. and remember that death, is a perminent solution to a tempory problem. Love and Hope Amanda

feeling??(slightly triggering)
Posted by katie on Sun Jun 10 23:05:09 2001 (#7925)

i don't know what i'm feeling anymore its like its not me i walk around and nothing effects me all i do is think about cutting how next time i won't cut so deep or not so much and then i end up doing it and well my small cutts turn to bloody gashes that require stiches that i never get b/c i need the pain its the only thing i feel now a days i needed to stop and i tried but i couldn't i failed like i do at most things i'm such a fuck up and i only want to cut deeper harder and more often and just try to feel something b/c the feeling of blood slowly flowing out of my body isn't working any more

thanks for letting me vent i hope you're all doing better than me

~katie

Re: feeling??(slightly triggering)
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jun 11 01:09:43 2001 (#7926)

I feel the same way, although my cuts don't require stitches just yet, but I always think about not knowing when they will, or if I'll ever get better and stop before they get that bad.

Hey Dawn
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jun 11 02:37:04 2001 (#7928)

Hey Dawn, This is Tara's Mom. I was just wondering how you were doing. Write me back if you want to. Love, Tara's Mom

Tara's mom
Posted by elle on Mon Jun 11 07:46:57 2001 (#7933)

i need your help. my mom always wants to talk to me about cutting and all the reasons behind it and in some ways i would like to get close to her but it makes me so fuckin mad when she tries to talk to me. she has convinced herself that i have been abused or raped or something of that nature and whenever i try to tell her no, she doesn't believe me. i am being honest with her and she does not believe me. i don't know what to do. she wants me to confess big secrets or something and when i tell her they aren't there she just doesn't believe me. she says she wants me to talk to her, but then when i do she gets all sad becuase she thinks i am lying to her when i tell her i am moving on in my life. i dont know what i am really asking you...maybe just how can i get her to believe me...how can i get her to trust me. she always had so much trust in me and when she found out about cutting she lost all of it....i want her to see that by telling her about cutting i am being more honest because keeping it secret all those years is lying and now that i am open with her i am being more truthful. also, everyone talks about having urges to cut and all that and my mom tells me to come to her when i have the "urge" to cut but for me it is never that simple. 99% of the time cutting completely disgusts me and then my thoughts just start to spin so fast that there is no way to control them or express them and i end up cutting before i even really know what is happening. ok, any siggestions from you or linda would be nice.

Re: Tara's mom
Posted by elle on Mon Jun 11 07:50:15 2001 (#7934)

how do i tell my mom i just want to move on with my life? she is so distressed that i would ever hurt myself and she feels 100% responsible...but she has nothing to do with it. i dunno...no more lies for me. i have lost touch with truth, i need to find it. guess i should talk about all this in therapy tomorrow

Re: Tara's mom
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 05:47:14 2001 (#7994)

i know so does my mom she thinks i got raped one weekend but i didnt.......... u dont alwasy have to haev been sexuzly abused tocut i mean fuck, i love my mom with all her heart but i dont alwayz haev to tell her stuff, and the other nite i couldnt sleep , she came into my room and asked if i wanted to talk about it( ididnt) and then we started talkignabout my cutting adn mytherpitst and stuff like that and she asked me if i wanted her to leave to go away b/c she thought she was making it worse for me, she was going to move out if i said yes, that would haev made me feel so bad.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 17 20:51:49 2001 (#8039)

u so are me! my mom does the same thing. she is going on a "trip" to give me some space. she can't understand why i want to talk to my therapist instead of her....she comes into my room at night to see if i am having restful sleep and she is always giving me articles about how so many people are sexually abused and things and she names this one person who she has 100% convinced herself raped me. but he didnt...hes like the sweetest guy in the world. i dont know where she is coming from. and then she says, its ok, you can just tell me the truth, and i say, i am telling you the truth. and she gets upset and asks why i cant talk to her....i just want her to leave me alone. talking with her about feelings and therapists and cutting and sexual abuse is like standing stark naked in front of her having to talk about my sex life. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! why does she not get the idea that i just want her to leave me alone. i can deal with my thoughts with my therapist. the more she tries to get involved the more i get irritated and cant work things out with the dr. she just doesnt get it. she says, talk to me, tell me how i can help. i say, you can help by leaving me alone to solve this with my dr...and she goes, when are you going to let me in so i can help u???? its like talking to a brick wall. she is soooo dumb. she is like the stupidest person in the world. i always thought she was so smart and so sensitive....but she is really just a simpleton. she is a dumb drop-out who is the shallowest person alive and thinks she is smart and deep. shut the fuck up mom. leave me the fuck alone. as soon as i am 18 i am never going to fucking talk to you again. i am so close. why do you believe i am still a child?

Re: Tara's mom
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jun 12 01:11:05 2001 (#7939)

Hey Ella, What really helped me was to go to a couple of therapy sessions with Tara. Between her and Dr. Gilbert, I began to understand more about her problem. Of course, I have always believed what Tara was telling me as far as her SI. If she said she was okay, I believed her. Maybe the reason she wants to talk about it all the time is to understand it. I have learned a lot in the past 3 or 4 years. You could ask her WHY do you want to talk about it? Is it because you don't understand or what? You need to try to make her understand that there are sometimes that you just don't want to talk. If she is just trying to learn more about SI, print up some articles about it for her to read or like I said, ask her to go to a therapy session. Do you think she would do that? I'm even willing to write to her, parent to parent, if you like. Maybe she would listen to me and maybe she wouldn't. It's worth a shot. Does your cutting have any thing to do with your Mom? If not, keep telling her that. Sometimes it takes a while for words to sink in where our kids are concerned. I thought it did with Tara, but of course that wasn't the case. See, when you find out your own child is doing something hurtful to themselves, you automatically think that you have done something wrong as a parent. Where did I go wrong? Why didn't I notice anything? Why can't I stop them? Most of the time it has nothing to do with us, but something terrible that has happened in your lives. Since it didn't happen to us, we don't understand. It does take a lot of time and a lot of talking. If you want to show this to your mom, feel free. I would be happy to try to talk to her. Be safe Ella, I care about you very much. Write me if you want to. Love, Tara's Mom

mums
Posted by girl on Sat Jun 23 10:57:18 2001 (#8140)

i wish my mum wanted to talk to me about it but after a while iv e relised that she is trying as hard as she can in her way b-c this aint exactly the easyest thing to understand hell i dont even understand it, mums want to be let in to try and help their daughters and yeah they fuck up a lot of the toime and they dont always understand why we do it i dont understand why i do it but they love you ok? ur their daughters and sons their babies always intheir eyes even when ur 34 u ll still be their baby. be patient they want to talk bacause they want to help you because they love you . girl

is this meant ot happen
Posted by sara on Mon Jun 11 09:28:47 2001 (#7935)

Ok so when i was really drunk i cut myself so much. Now my friend is cutting because i am. Am i meant to be so jeslous that she is also cutting?people think that im a phyco cos i was cutting so much when i was drunk. I cant remeber any of it , expect im seing all the cuts today. so now how do i stop my mind wanting to cut when im drunk im scared i may kill myself. Also my friend said i stabbed him and also i stired stabbing my other friend. Argggh is this aclhool talking or is it me. Any suggestions pleasse, thank you so much

Re: is this meant ot happen
Posted by sara (the other one) on Mon Jun 11 14:14:51 2001 (#7936)

were they drunk as well? well, my friends that know think that i am insane as well, they tell me to be normal, and then i remember their little habbits. i found out that a friend of mine was cutting, and i don't think that you are mean to do that, you are human. when i found out i was angry and wanted to know why, but at one time i was jelous of her when she started taking her life under control. but i don't know, i suppose that if you don't know what happened you should probably ask someone else...good luck...sara

never posted here before
Posted by lox on Mon Jun 11 17:50:31 2001 (#7937)

hi guys i am 25 from the uk i usually post on the other si board and at the moment i find it very hard to go there do to the tensions and that are happening at the minute I cannot handle well i was sexually assulated at 7, 13 and 19 i feel liek shit the flashbacks ar ehorrid and started si when the guy came out of prison five yrs ago and ummmmm idont know how to express what i feel nor do i have a clue to what i feel whats the hell is wrong with me help i have not si for 16mths now and am so close and on the verge of it again its well i dunno its very hard um this boy i like we got very physically and wound up u know and ummmm half hr later felt so bad flashbacks etc and so confused like and today saw him and um i realise that I coul dbe pregant and too late for the pill damn it fuck it may as well die cant deal with this shiot me body as if its not mine that i dont own it as if i dont bloody well know stay strong all loxley (susan)

Re: never posted here before
Posted by Tara on Mon Jun 11 23:05:57 2001 (#7938)

Don't put yourself through hell.it is not good for you.i have done that for to long myself.i was raped when i was 14.i am now almost 18.i have been cutting for almost 4 years.i know the urges pretty well by now to know that it feels as if you are going to die if you don't cut.atleast that is how i felt.i am also a manic depressant.not bipolar,just manic depressant.i have add to.you just have to tell yourself that you are not going to let this thing win.i am just now getting back on my feet after all the hell that i went through.i do have set backs every now and then but i always end up coming out of it a lot stronger than i was.this experiancie has only made me a hell of a lot stronger and prepared for life.i don't look as it as a good thing but it did teach me things that i never would have learned.i have over 87 scars on my arms and ankles.i also burned to.can you try something for me please?????instead of cutting take some ice in your hand and when you need to cut sqeeze it as hard as you can.it will leave red marks but no scars.also put a rubber band around your wrist and when you need to cut pop yourself.it will give you the same feeling as if you were cutting.you will have a welt but of course no scar.that is the best thing about these coping tricks that i learned.i did try them myself and they did work,for awhile on me atleast.i have a high tolerance for pain.i got to were i needed to cut 5 to 6 times and burn once or twice all at the same time.my arms would be covered with bandads.i have to go now.if you need to talk more you can e-mail me.i am here for you.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

I swear I'm certa-fucking-fiable
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jun 12 04:58:05 2001 (#7940)

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am losing time constantly, I can't stop cutting, I can't think about anything but numbing out. Plus all this random crazy stuff is happening and I don't know what to do about it, but I feel like I'm going crazy. The worst part is that my mom started hitting me again, which she hasn't done in years, but I'm living with her again now and it's a big huge fucking mess. I would just go live in my car, but it's broken down. Nothing is going right and I just don't know what to do.

Re: I swear I'm certa-fucking-fiable
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jun 13 01:11:26 2001 (#7942)

Rabbit, NOBODY has the right to hit you!!!!! Not even your own mother. Her hitting you is not your fault, she has a problem if that is how she is dealing with you. I would say let the police know, but I don't know if that would be comfortable for you. She can be charged with assult and battery if you felt like doing that, but that would be your choice to follow through with it. Do you have any one else that could help you? You need to consider getting away from her as soon as you can. There are just as many adults that are screwed up as there are kids and young people. PLease look around and see if there is any way to get out of there. Sorry if this doesn't help you that much. Just know that there is someone out there that is worried about what happens to you. Stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom

Tara's mom
Posted by Rabbit on Wed Jun 13 05:28:19 2001 (#7944)

Thank you for caring

Trying to stop...
Posted by Sez on Wed Jun 13 02:15:08 2001 (#7943)

Hey all! I've been self injuring for 3yrs now and have been in and out of psychiatric hospitals. I want to stop it now. I have had enough of hurting myself and others and I really want to quit. It feels comforting to have people like you who I know understand and that I am not alone. I'm new here but I would like to say I love you all.

We are not alone, and it's people like us who have to stay together. Love always, Sarah

Re: Trying to stop...
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Wed Jun 13 19:40:19 2001 (#7946)

if you want to stop then i wish you all the luck in the world. i was once where you are now, and i kept that thought, the thought of wanting so much to stop hurting myself and others. and in some ways i have suceeded. i have been able to talk to those that i was hurting, it helped them to understand why i was doin it and second i wanted so much to stop that i wouldnt give in, i htought of it as an on going battle, i would not loose. i have now been cut free for 9 and 1/2 weeks. now this may not work for you, but if it does then im glad. just a thought. good luck and if you need to talk to people, then come here.

Love and hope Amanda

Re: Trying to stop...
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 02:42:15 2001 (#7990)

i thought i was getting better and i still had thoughts in my head that i wanted to cut myself but i didnt for about like 4 weeks (after i statred to get help) but the othe rnite i did i cut my self on an old scar and imscared that i did it again that im fallling down that dark road again.

I really scared myself last nite
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 13 16:54:33 2001 (#7945)

I cut myself really deep last night. On my shoulder. It is so deep. It took forever for me to get it to stop bleeding, and it could probably use some stitches. I was so scared. The blood just kept coming. I didn't even mean to cut deep. I thought I would just make a little cut. But it was so deep. And I'm scared now of myself. I'm scared of what I might do without even meaning to. So I've made a decision. I'm going to stop cutting. I can't give up SI altogether yet, so I'm not giving up burning, bruising, or scratching and digging. But I'm going to try to stop cutting. Ok. Well that's all. Wish me luck.

Re: I really scared myself last nite
Posted by Jess on Wed Jun 13 20:17:10 2001 (#7948)

good luck babe!! Jess xx

Re: I really scared myself last nite
Posted by elle on Wed Jun 13 21:09:32 2001 (#7949)

oh dude, i feel kinda responsible for that...telling you about my stuff. hope u are ok.

Re: I really scared myself last nite
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 13 22:15:28 2001 (#7953)

WHAT??!! Sweetie you are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVElY NO WAY responsible. It happened after I got offline and I did it for no real reason. It was kinda weird bc I usu cut when there's something happening or something is bothering me, but I all of a sudden just got this overwhelming sense of sadness and I cut. I had cut earlier yesterday too, but it wasn't deep. It just really scared me because it wouldn't stop bleeding, and the skin was split so far apart. Ok well I'm blabbering now. But it wasn't your fault.

*me*
Posted by Jue on Thu Jun 14 00:10:49 2001 (#7954)

I am soo proud of you. I know you can stop. I haven't cut for 2weeks and 4 days. yipee. i still scratch though.

If it is not too late i think you should get stitches on your shoulder. even if the drs treat you like crap you should. i have all these scars on my arms that needed stitches but i didn't get them and now my scars are bumped out really far and they hurt. my mom says this is because i severed all the nerves. you can see them through shirts that are fitted on my arms.

i just want to say again that i am sooo proud of you for making that decision. take care. and don't beat your self up if you have set backs. love julie

WHERE IS LOST?
Posted by elle on Wed Jun 13 21:11:11 2001 (#7950)

anyone know what has happened to LOST? it has been ages since i have seen her name here. i am really hoping she is ok. LOST if you are out there, please write me at cutter_elle@hotmail.com becuase i miss you big time.

Re: WHERE IS LOST?
Posted by Linda on Wed Jun 13 21:56:01 2001 (#7951)

Hey kiddo!!! I agree. I miss her here! I was beginning to really worry because I hadn't heard from her and then suddenly last Friday night she popped up on my AOL messenger. She called me on the phone and it was so good to speak to her in person once again. She sounded in good spirits. She has been working a lot lately and just hasn't been online. Hopefully, she will come join us again sometime.

What about Drew!!
Posted by Linda on Wed Jun 13 22:03:06 2001 (#7952)

I was really looking forward to talking to Drew on his Yahoo messenger but have not seen him yet.......I sure hope he is well. If you are watching and not posting, Drew....please let us know.

black rose
Posted by Jue on Thu Jun 14 00:13:18 2001 (#7955)

i tried to e-mail you but it didn't go through. the other address i was using shut down so the one above is my new one. in case you mailed me. i can't get into the other one anymore. take care. julie

Re: black rose
Posted by elle on Thu Jun 14 04:07:05 2001 (#7956)

julie i mailed you. did u get it?

elle
Posted by Jue on Thu Jun 14 23:43:57 2001 (#7972)

no i never. sorry, my other account shut down. i don't know why. my new one is above though sorry for the mess. take care. love julie

no feelings/no feelings....
Posted by CandyDarling on Thu Jun 14 05:03:38 2001 (#7957)

i am totally dead from feelings. happiness, love, joy, fear, anger, nothing. i enjoy this disease, as some call it. i would love nothing more than to just take that razor and cut and cut and cut until i cant see straight. i love to feel the pain as well. scars mean nothing. ugliness is just a part of me, as it always has been. i will die in this place, soon, i can only wish.......

no feelings/no feelings....
Posted by CandyDarling on Thu Jun 14 05:03:57 2001 (#7958)

i am totally dead from feelings. happiness, love, joy, fear, anger, nothing. i enjoy this disease, as some call it. i love nothing more than to just take that razor and cut and cut and cut until i cant see straight. i love to feel the pain as well. scars mean nothing. ugliness is just a part of me, as it always has been. i will die in this place, soon, i can only wish.......

Bad Treatment at the hospital...
Posted by Lisa B. on Thu Jun 14 06:18:02 2001 (#7959)

Well, I went last night to get my stitches and staples removed after my latest cutting incident last week. As I am registering, the nurse asks if I'm currently taking any medication. I tell her I just started taking Tegretol (a mood stabilizer-I'm bipolar). She then says, "What are you taking the Tegretol for?" in a really snooty tone of voice. So I say, "Well, isn't it normally used to treat depression?". She laughs.

Then I get in to see a doctor to remove my staples and stitches. He asks how it happened. And I ask him why does it matter how it happened if I'm just there to get them taken out? He also asks why I'm taking Tegretol. I give him same answer as the nurse. He then says, "Well, it certainly doesn't look like it's working, does it?"

WHY do health care professionals feel the need to ridicule you whenever you turn to them for help regarding self-injury? This is the reason I usually don't go to the hospital if I can help it.

Twice when I have had pretty serious injuries and have had to go, they have put me in their psych. ward. Then, I get to inevitably talk to some foreign psychologist who insists that I tried to kill myself. He then will keep asking how many suicide attempts I've made.

Don't they know that self-injury isn't always a suicide attempt. I mean, come on, if you were to attempt suicide, would you use cutting yourself to do it? Probably not, as it would take an awful long time to have all your blood drain away. Do these doctor and psychologist not study this illness?

Sorry for the long rant, I guess I'm just frustrated and upset. If I can help it, that will be my last visit to a hospital for this.

Re: Bad Treatment at the hospital...
Posted by em on Thu Jun 14 14:26:47 2001 (#7960)

hia, how deep do you cut in order to need stitches? it obviously must be very deep. i myself have never been for stitches but i have been sectioned before. it was a nightmare. i also found that the nurses were rude and thought that i was a suiside attempt. as you said- there are much easier ways of doing it, and less painfull ways! how old r you ? does your mum know(if you still live at home) please reply as its nice to have someone who has also been held at the hospital. em ***

Re: Bad Treatment at the hospital...
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jun 14 20:23:05 2001 (#7966)

Lisa, I am sorry that you were mistreated that way. SI is such a misunderstood condition. I dont blame you if you are angry. Please take care of yourself. Huge Hugs, nuni

Re: Bad Treatment at the hospital...
Posted by Jue on Thu Jun 14 23:48:34 2001 (#7973)

i totally know what you mean. bad hospital treatment is the worst they just don't get it. i don't understand who they think they are. i hate being treated terribly but it certainly does reduce scarring. take care. love julie

with what to cut
Posted by em on Thu Jun 14 14:54:48 2001 (#7961)

i was just wondering how does everyone else cut themselves so deep that it requires stitches? i use razors but it never seems to go that deep.i admit it does leave scars but not anything to be proud of. and because it doesnt cut deep it means i go on for longer to get a result. advise please? em***

Re: with what to cut
Posted by *me* on Thu Jun 14 15:52:30 2001 (#7962)

Hey Em. I always wondered the same thing. I would cut with razors and no matter how hard I pressed it wouldn't cut as deep as I would like, so I would cut longer cuts, more cuts, etc. The other day I broke apart my razor and used just the blade. It cut really deep, a lot deeper than I wanted, and now I'm stuck with this huge cut that could probably use some stitches. It scared me so bad and wouldn't stop bleeding and I've now come to the decision that I want to stop cutting altogether. I can't stop burning, bruising, and scratching, as SI is a big part of me, but I'm afraid of what I may do to myself without meaning to if I continue cutting. As it is my body is covered in scars.

I hope I have answered your question, but please be careful. I don't want to see you or anyone else doing something they'll regret. Like me. So if I were you I'd just stick to cutting like you are now. Or be really really careful.

Lots of love

Re: with what to cut
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 05:38:50 2001 (#7992)

well u guys, i dont use a razor when i first did it it hought about a razor and i was like thats dumb that would kill me it would cut rite throught my wrist, i use a jack knife but it doesnt cut deep etheir, its easy to use u can cut as deep or not. i find when im really mad and need ot cut i never cut deep just enough fo rthe blood ot come out a lil bit but i then i make anothe mark on my wrist, i ve never had to get stiches but i guess a knife would to teh trick. c-ya

There are lotsa ppl we haven't heard from....
Posted by *me* on Thu Jun 14 15:56:03 2001 (#7963)

I read the posts about LOST and Drew not being on for a while, and it got me thinking about some of the other people we haven't seen around here in a long time. Like anona1, Nick, Kate, Suzie...anyone heard from them???

Re: There are lotsa ppl we haven't heard from....
Posted by elle on Thu Jun 14 19:45:18 2001 (#7965)

i am talking to suzie right now, she has been in the hospital.

Re: There are lotsa ppl we haven't heard from....
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 05:41:00 2001 (#7993)

sorry im new here, but i would like to get to know some of u guys

Re: There are lotsa ppl we haven't heard from....
Posted by girl on Wed Jun 20 23:08:18 2001 (#8098)

i havnt been here for a while ive been on time out i suppose is it ok if i come back now? i would really like to be part of this again, if thats ok, please. hope you have all kept safe and hello to all you newbies i havvnt had the chance to meet yet. im so sorry i wen taway for a little while i didnt forget you. can i come home now? love girl

Re: There are lotsa ppl we haven't heard from....
Posted by *me* on Thu Jun 21 01:00:20 2001 (#8107)

Everyone is always welcomed back here!! ((((((((((((((girl)))))))))))) ))))) WELCOME BACK!! We missed ya! Hope you're doing ok.

Lots of love

Thanks *me*
Posted by em on Thu Jun 14 19:37:34 2001 (#7964)

thanks for the info. i have also tried to stop now for the sake of my best friend. i wish you the best of luck and i hope we both manage to quit. keep me posted with your progress. lots love em***

i'm back
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jun 14 20:28:59 2001 (#7967)

Hey everyone, I got back from my trip on Tuesday (don't you envy me, having to catch up on all the posts?) Anyway, it was pretty hell-ish. I had to chaperone a bunch of kids and got yelled at for everything they did wrong by the adult coordinating people. The whole trip I felt like I had to have my "perfection mask" on, like I couldn't let on to how screwed up I am or else I'd become their little charity case. I don't want their pity and I don't want them trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me. So . . . it was all pretty triggering, I had to sneak away a couple of times to cut. Once in a bathroom stall with the pastor's wife talking to me from the other side, what a joke.

Anyway, I couldn't respond to all the posts I read cuz there were so many . . . but I'll try to remember everyone here.

Tara-sorry everything seems to be happening at once. I hope it all works out.

Kat-there is hope. Cutting is totally addicting, the feeling of power that you get when you cut is something that you want to feel over and over, but it's not worth it in the long run. There is hope for you.

Lox-welcome to the board, i hope we can help. Everyone here is very understanding.

Sez-I'm so proud of you for trying to stop! We're here for you.

To everyone else I missed, I'm here for you and my heart did go out to you when I read your posts. Hope everything is going ok with all of you.

BIG hugs,

Sharon

should i or shouldn't i?
Posted by elle on Thu Jun 14 22:19:37 2001 (#7968)

i am so confused at this point in my life. my therapist is head of psychiatry at a good hospital in my area. i have to decide whether or not i want to be hospitalized. i have been feeling really suicidal and depressed, but i have not been cutting. i almost killed myself last week...and now i have to decide if i want to go or not.......any suggestions would be nice.

Re: should i or shouldn't i?
Posted by em on Thu Jun 14 23:02:51 2001 (#7970)

to be honest i dont want to see you end up like me.ive been there and its not so bad. go for it. whats to loose. must dash, i think im going to collapse. em ***

Re: should i or shouldn't i?
Posted by Jue on Thu Jun 14 23:57:23 2001 (#7974)

Do you have a problem with defying authority. b/c i know that i just would try to sneak my way to do something if i was told not to. plus i hate people who have power over me. BUT you would probably meet some great people that were inspirations. i don't really know. if you are feeling suicidal i would say yes, b/c it is better than dying. but be careful. i hope you are all right. sry that i didn't get your e-mail. take extra care. love julie

Re: should i or shouldn't i?
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 15 22:02:02 2001 (#7986)

I don't really know what to tell u...they try to make u feel better but they also take away ur privliges and just being in there can drive u absolutely nuts! whatever u choose I'll back u up 100%! Christine

its not fair.why am i so alone.deaths the answer!
Posted by em on Thu Jun 14 22:58:11 2001 (#7969)

i feel so lonley.im really ugly and no one will ever want me no matter how hard i try, i am rejected like a parias. whats so wrong with me. even now as i cry to myself, theresno one maby if i was dead people would miss me. probarbly not. i hate being me. i hate being disgarded by people. its not fair the way people turn their backs on me because im quiet. just wait when im bleeding to death theyll realise what theyve done. hear it is my trusty razor. cutting deeper and deeper. the bloods gushing out but i don t care. no one does. it hurts. my body seems to be crying like me . serves it right for betraying me. i feel faint. i have to go. i dont know if youll see me again. maby this is it. the bloods soaking everything. i cant see .must go now.

Re: its not fair.why am i so alone.deaths the answ
Posted by Jue on Fri Jun 15 00:00:53 2001 (#7975)

EM i hope you are all right. you are not nearly as rejected as you think. PLEASE PLEASE please be careful. i am really really worried. there is more to life things will get better. love you take care i hope you are all right. love julie

Re: its not fair.why am i so alone.deaths the answ
Posted by *me* on Fri Jun 15 02:13:27 2001 (#7976)

Sweetie I hope you are ok. Dammit I feel really responsible seeing as I explained the whole razor thing. Em I really really hope you are ok. Death is not the answer. Ok, see last summer I was totally ready to kill myself. But I didn't, and although I can't say that everything has improved, I am SO GLAD that I didn't go through with it. Everyone here loves you and wants you to be ok. I CARE ABOUT YOU!! Don't think no one cares because I do. Please be well.

Lots of love

Re: its not fair.why am i so alone.deaths the answ
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jun 15 02:19:45 2001 (#7977)

Hey Em, Please listen to me, you are not alone!!!! There are a lot of people on this board that care about you. You really do have a lot of friends here,me included. I am so sorry that you have these feelings of not being wanted and loved, but if you did die, it won't change how these other people around you feel. They have issues also if they can't deal with a friend who needs help. Everyone on this board cares about you, you have to know that. They will all listen to you so just keep posting.If you feel like writing me, please do so. I may not be able to help much, but I can let you know that there is at least one adult that worries and cares about what happens to you. Please take care and stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom

EM!!!!!!!!!
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 15 21:59:28 2001 (#7985)

Em hunni please talk to me...I'm here for u...ne thing u need to talk about,say, or let out I'm always here! Please talk to me! don't leave! ur soo special and ne 1 that doesn't relize that has never had the chance to feel special themselves or they're just full of themselves! we love u here! ur important to us! death is not the answer...it doesn't end the pain...it just makes it last 4ever! please e-mail me hun!!! Christine

Strider
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Thu Jun 14 23:03:08 2001 (#7971)

many of you will not know who strider is but he was a great asset to this board and he helped many people in many ways.

has anyone heard from him since he joined the army? i was just wondering coz i miss him loads. he gave great advice to me many times.

can you let me know if you have heard from him. thanx a lot

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Strider
Posted by elle on Fri Jun 15 04:47:56 2001 (#7978)

i haven't heard from him at all since he left. he said he won't have a computer for a while. i dont think he is going into the army until the summer. i miss him a lot. i could really use his support and wisdom right now.

Re: Strider
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 15 21:54:45 2001 (#7983)

he told me that he'd probably never be able to talk to ne of us for a long time...I hope everythings good w/him and everyone else on this board! I'm sry...I wish I could bring him back but I guess we all have to move on sooner or later! I'm missin him! Christine

Re: Strider
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jun 16 03:36:29 2001 (#7991)

Strider is doing good. I've heard from him a couple of times... he's staying with his Mum while he works over the summer, and there is no computer there. I think he's due to start in the army in the next few months.

But he's happy and doing fine. He prays for everybody everyday! I miss him so much too!!!

Maggie.

elle
Posted by Nuni on Fri Jun 15 07:13:16 2001 (#7979)

Elle, How are you doing? I reaf your last e-mail. i will reply tomorrow. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, NUNI

Re: elle
Posted by elle on Fri Jun 15 20:50:59 2001 (#7981)

i'm ok. talk to you soon.

Re: elle
Posted by elle on Sat Jun 16 07:58:19 2001 (#7996)

brokedown...u did not mail me. oh well. hanging in there.

What about me? What about DREW!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jun 15 17:19:07 2001 (#7980)

Sorry, I just saw the post by Linda and I just figgerd the subject sounded cool.

Any-who lets see..... still havent cut, lost track of the weeks now (I think 4 or 5) Spending a lot of my time turnning my g/f into a "bitter" [I have a thing for people who bite:)] ummm, I fucking have tonsalitis for like the 4'th or 5'th fucking time now. errrrrr. the stupid doctors won't just cut them out. errrr.

But any-who2 I haven't really had a chance to post here with all that's going on, I've had my ups and downs but nothing earth shattering.... so laters.

Drew:)

Re: What about me? What about DREW!
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 15 21:51:31 2001 (#7982)

Drew, I'm soo happy u haven't cut in weeks...I'm proud of u! :O) keep it ^! Christine

need some advice
Posted by katie on Fri Jun 15 21:57:09 2001 (#7984)

hello my family is all for my high school graduation and well it seems they all notice my scares and i'm not sure how to explain no one in my family knows i cut(my mom does but she is in denile) its like they all need answers and i don't have one its got me really stressed and the bad thing is i normally cut when i'm stressed but there is no way to explain fresh cuts if anyone has any advice on what to do it would be greatly used

~katie

Re: need some advice
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 15 22:12:43 2001 (#7987)

Katie, I don't know exactly what to say to ur family but tell them what's going on when u want to and when u feel that it's right...just becuz they ask doesn't make it manditory to tell them...it's all up to u! for the stressed part use an ice cube and sqeeze it or hold it somewhere on ur body until u get a sort of pain....it helps and doesn't leave a scar! it's worth a try! I wish u the best of luck! Christine

oh no!!!!
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 15 22:22:21 2001 (#7988)

2day was supposed to b 1 of the best days that I'd get to have w/my friends b4 we all go our separate ways...how could it go soo wrong? my bf broke ^ w/me and he said it was bcuz of him but I know it was me! he couldn't take my cutting or ne thing! I'm NEVER good enough for ne 1! I don't get it...I try my best and I'm just tossed aside just like that! my whole day was ruined and I don't even have a date for my last dance! I should've known...I saw it coming...I should've never told him! I'm soo fucking stupid! I went home and sliced the shit out of my stomach and breasts! there's blood everywhere! I g2g! hopefully next time I'll just end everything! sry for taking ^ ur time it wasn't meant to b this long...my stupid pathetic life! I'm totally oblivious to the fact that things can't possibly get worse...but I was wrong I always am! Christine ~roses r red~ ~violets r blue~ ~I'm slowly dying~ ~all the way thru~

Re: oh no!!!!
Posted by katie on Sat Jun 16 00:57:44 2001 (#7989)

first off you are a wonderful person and desirve the very best from everyone and if they can't give you that then you don't need them. also thank you for your advice it some what helped.please know thhat you are loved anbd needed by me if no one else you were kind enough to help me and you don't even no me. boys are just stupid pooy heads and some where out there is the perfect guy who will love and understand you and your faults. i hope you are ok. please get medical help if you need it and if you need some one i'm here.

~katie

Re: oh no!!!!
Posted by im alive...still on Sat Jun 16 21:11:45 2001 (#8003)

hia. its me , em ! thanks for the message. sorry i lost it so bad. it looks like you having one of those days to! dont give up. i know its hard but dont do what i did, right now, im in hospital. (they dont know im doing this. ha!) i told them i was doing revision for exams. anyway, your message really meant alot to me and i hope that mine will make you feel better too. remember that one in a million people will understand what were going through. but who cares!aslong as you remember that i'll always be here to talk to and as long as you have your frineds, you'll be fine. we'll all keep our fingers crossed for you that things work out. and dont worry about not having a date. if he was that nasty, hes not worth it! i'll alway be here for you and will always be your friend no matter what. post me: lots a love

Emma****

Re: oh no!!!!
Posted by katie on Sat Jun 16 23:01:45 2001 (#8008)

emma,

well honey i'm sorry to here you are in the hospital but i'm glad to know that you are getting some needed help if you read this once you're out well i hope you're ok you were such a great help and you mean so much to me and if you ever need me i'm here and i love you to peices because you are cool! i am always her if you need me you can also e-mail me if you need to i cheack my mail at least once everyday i know this all sounds oh so cheesey but i just think you need to know how much you helped me the other day and what a diffrence that to me take care of your self and stay safe ~katie

member me;0~
Posted by slash on Sat Jun 16 10:47:49 2001 (#7997)

im bacccck evil demented a person who actually proud of her scars slice n dice forever slash

Re: member me;0~
Posted by me_linds on Sat Jun 16 18:55:27 2001 (#7999)

y are u proud of ur scars? i had some one made me feel like shit about them she yelled at me b/c i haddent cut for a month and i was upset teh otehr nite and she saw them and tolled me i was bad and wrothless

help!!!!
Posted by *me* on Sat Jun 16 18:15:52 2001 (#7998)

For crying out loud I have another freaking doctor's appointment. Monday I have to go to the dermatologist bc I have this little mole thing that I want removed. I was all fine and dandy with going. But then my mom was like, yeah, they'll probably check over your whole body to make sure there's nothing else that they should check. Ok so I'm not even worried about my wrist anymore, I can cover up the scars with makeup and bracelets. I figure if they ask I can say the cut on my shoulder is from where my "cat scratched me" (even though my cat is declawed, would never purposely scratch me, and this cut is probably too deep to pass as a scratch, but oh well). But if this dude wants to look at my upper legs, I'm screwed. They're covered in scars. What the heck can I do? I have until Monday. I'm praying that this doctor is just gonna wanna look at the one little mole and then be done with it. Any advice??????????

Lots of love

Re: help!!!!
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 21:25:03 2001 (#8004)

does ur mom knowa bout ur cuts? or no bc i dontknow what he'll want to do tel lhim ur uncomfterable and u said no u dont want him to look at ur body just teh lil mole

Re: help!!!!
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jun 17 05:50:50 2001 (#8017)

I don't relly have any advice, but I can offer this... I had to go to the DR a while back, and he noticed my scars, of course, and gave me a little lecture, but realized that there is nothoing he can do about it, so he just let it go. He actually even made a couple jokes about it to lighten the mood or something. I told him that everything was covered because I was in therapy (lie) and that he didn't have to worry about it and it seemed to work. So hopefully your doc will react in a similar fashion. The only difference may be that I'm over 18, so he couldn't really do anything any way. This might be a prob for you if you're a minor, but lets hope not. At any rate, good luck.

i dont know what i want to do...
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 19:52:13 2001 (#8000)

ok well im gettign help buit its n ot wrokign and everyone is tellignme b/c it willonlywork if i want it to work and thats the thing i dontknow if i want help....is there somethign wrong with that ...that im scared to get help or i dont help??? plz e-mail me and tell me or post a message to this thanx-linsey

Re: i dont know what i want to do...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jun 16 20:28:29 2001 (#8001)

Hi Lindsey, I don't cut but my daughter Tara does. She posts here also. I've been helping her with this for almost 4 years now. It took going through3 or 4 different doctors before she got one that has really helped her. At first I don't think she really wanted help, but she realized she did need help. If you could find someone who really wanted to help you it might be easier. Some of the therapists just seem to want to tell you what you have to do, but Tara and I have found that doesn't really work. Her doctor listens to her and asks her what she thinks about different things. It does make a big difference to have someone talk with you instead of talking TO you. If you're scared, tell them. They will help you figure out why. There are good doctors out there, you just have to look for them. Good luck. Take care and stay safe. Love, Tara'a Mom

Re: i dont know what i want to do...
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 17 02:33:53 2001 (#8012)

lindsey, there's nothing wrong w/not wanting to get help...we all feel like we don't want it at times(or atleast I have)! U may not want it to begin w/but it does help and u may think that u can't live w/o cutting but there's a way and u'll feel so much better! there is nothing wrong w/u for feeling that way! Christine

Re: i dont know what i want to do...
Posted by Dawn Hensley on Sun Jun 17 07:50:58 2001 (#8020)

I can relate to wanting and knowing I need help, but not wanting someone telling me not to cut. My cutting isn't about "them" it is about me. I have the control. But sometimes cutting gets too powerful and I cut more than I intended, and the adrenilin inside me gets in this battle. But thankfully I believe in Jesus Christ and believe he helps me stop and get my wound treated.

The best advise I can give is to learn to know yourself and begin to value yourself. It may take awhile. It may get worse before it gets better. The key to staying alive is valuing yourself and knowing you are not alone.

THANK U ALL!
Posted by lindsey on Sun Jun 17 19:47:52 2001 (#8034)

thanx so much u guys who replied!

a good lie.........?
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 21:39:50 2001 (#8006)

i cut on my wrists and i do care that ppl see it sometimes but i cant alwayz where a sweater i try to but sometimes it to hot i need some good exuces i cant think of anymore.HELP PLZ!

Re: a good lie.........?
Posted by emm on Sat Jun 16 22:54:47 2001 (#8007)

bad exzma, cat, fall, scratched it on a thorn bush, dry skin-splitting ,alegic reaction,scraped it on.....anything. hope this it useful. if not ...just ignore them . its hard but the other option is sweat it out!!!

Re: a good lie.........?
Posted by lindsey on Sun Jun 17 01:31:05 2001 (#8011)

thanx ur a sweete! thahnx for the ideas!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!(+info 4 linds)
Posted by *me* on Sun Jun 17 03:34:19 2001 (#8014)

EM!!! I'm sooooo glad you're here with us! I was very very very very worried about you since your last post.

Lindsey, are your cuts new or are they scars? If they're scars, I cover mine with cover up. DON'T PUT MAKEUP ON OPEN CUTS THO!!! If they're new, depending on how big they are, you can cover them with your watch (only works for small cuts or a slit). Or, I don't know if you've ever seen them, they're little beaded bracelets, the beads are really really tiny, they're elastic bracelets...I don't know if you know what I'm talking about. They're pretty popular with my friends and around my school. You can find them at Claire's Accessories at the mall. Anyway if you wear a lot of them, they can cover cuts really well. Hope I've helped some.

Lots of love

Re: EEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!(+info 4 lin
Posted by lindsey on Sun Jun 17 04:36:59 2001 (#8015)

aw i felt like no one else did thi sbut u guys do and u kno wwhat imgoignto thro:) plz e-mail emm! -lindsey!!! oh ps what was my last post, im new here to so yeah

I'm lost in the blood
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 16 23:33:19 2001 (#8009)

hi I havent posted here in a while I was recently sent back to the psych ward for cutting in different places. And also psychotic behavior and drug abuse. Im so far lost in my depression and mental illness and addiction to drugs and cutting I walk around with blank thoughts now. Thanks to my medicine but I know those thoughts are still lingering inside of my twisted brain. They wont ever go away, everyone thinks Im getting better, I went from taking 1 pill a day to taking 5 now. Ive been in and out of psych wards for a week or two stay. I act fine but I know Im not..I have recently had thoughts about homocide. Should I ask to go into a residential treatment center, Im afraid if I do that Ill just dissapoint my parents more and thats more money we dont have and also they might adimit me into the state hospital with the szchitzophrenics ( cant spell, sorry ) I need help, more then anyone can give me. I believe there is hope out there for people to stop cutting but not for me. Im a lost cause. thanks.KAT

Re: I'm lost in the blood
Posted by Linda on Sat Jun 16 23:45:09 2001 (#8010)

THERE IS HOPE FOR EVEN YOU!!! Please email me!

Re: I'm lost in the blood
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 17 02:43:17 2001 (#8013)

KAT, ur not a lost cause! it takes time to get past somethings! there IS hope for u...there always is no matter what! even when u think things can't possibly get better...they will...there is always hope! all these hospitals and pills r there to help u...no one in ur family or u might not want taking them or going to those hospitals but they're there for ur own good! I doubt ur family would care about the money spent on them as long as u get better! it takes time but I know u can pull thru just fine! Christine

it doesnt go away rite away.
Posted by lindsey on Sun Jun 17 05:09:44 2001 (#8016)

ok guys sorry i have a new one! lol ok i dontknow waht my mom thinks but bc u just put someone in therpy it doesnt mean that they stop hurting them selfs rite away, i mean i do cut still (mot as much) but i dont want her to think that therpys not doing anything for me and that i can never get help what do i do i want to tell her that but its to hard

Re: it doesnt go away rite away.
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 17 16:19:53 2001 (#8025)

Lindsey, maybe if she thinks that the cutting will go away just like that...then she's in denial about it! you need to tell her that or show it in someway! I don't know exactly what to tell u besides that and it may not help u! The therapy is helping if ur not cutting as much...she needs to know that! I hope u can stop w/the cutting! *hugs* Christine

Re: it doesnt go away rite away.
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 17 20:30:34 2001 (#8035)

omg, do i know that. my mom thought that by the end of my first therapy session, i would never cut again and be completely free of depression and obssesive compulsive thoughts. no way. it has to get worse before it can get better i've decided. and now my mom thinks that therapy isnt a magical cure, but she keeps asking why i cant open up and talk to her instead of to my therapist....ummm, MAYBE BECUASE I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU, YOU PSYCHO BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

4 elle
Posted by lindsey on Mon Jun 18 01:52:26 2001 (#8043)

aw elle it sounds like u hev some same feelings as me, e-mail me :):) be safe love ya linds! :):)

random
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jun 17 05:58:04 2001 (#8018)

There isn't really a point to this message, other than random venting. I havr some new cuts on my upper arm/shoulder area, which is a good place for me because they are hardly seen. BUT I also have friends who are really touch-oriented and one of my friends in a comforting way squeezed my arm at the exact perfect spot to make my new cuts start bleeding again. I hate it when that happens. Not only do I squirm away because it hurts and have to explain the reaction, but then I have to explain why I'm bleeding. Grrrrrrrrrr. stupid cuts! Oh well, I told you therte was no point to this.

Re: random
Posted by Jess on Sun Jun 17 12:13:06 2001 (#8022)

i know that very well.My friends are constantly hugging me and it really takes toll on my cuts.The word 'gentle' doesnt come into it and i usually end up bleeding again.Though i'm quite good at hiding the pain bit the blood still seeps through. pointless posts are good,dont worry love Jess

Re: random
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 17 16:24:17 2001 (#8026)

Rabbit, I know the feeling...my friends like to hug...but I try to back away when they do so they don't ask q's about the blood! pointless messages r good...they get our minds off the bigger things that can sometimes drive us nuts! keep posting! *hugs* Christine

Re: random
Posted by *me* on Sun Jun 17 19:15:16 2001 (#8030)

Hey I'm like the queen of pointless posts! I always end up rambling!!! LOL. Yup I know the feeling. I have a really deep cut on my shoulder and my friends are into hugging everyone. Everytime they hug me lately I flinch. Not good. Ok well yah I can't really help much but I know the feeling.

Lots of love

Re: random
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 17 20:33:35 2001 (#8036)

my friend has this really annoying dog who always jumps up on you and he always jumps on ym legs and splits everything open...and i like scream in pain and my friend goes, oh he didnt hurt you bad, and i am like yeah, ok. the dumb dog always makes me bleed and then i go home and get in trouble for having blood spots on my pants and my mom thinks they are new cuts and she never believes me. PSYCHO BITCH!!!!! I HATE YOU MOM!!!!

It helps to have someone who listens
Posted by Dawn Hensley on Sun Jun 17 07:36:21 2001 (#8019)

Last week was bad. Ups and downs of emotions. I talked to my counselor, but the urge to cut just wouldn't be satistfied by talking. I use scissors and when I called my nurse practioner I asked her to tell the ER it wasn't about suicide, but just too much stress. When I went to the hospital they didn't hassel me. It felt so good not to have to explain the "whys" or hows.

People who don't cut don't get it. cutting does something nothing else does.

Re: It helps to have someone who listens
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 17 16:29:39 2001 (#8027)

Dawn Hensley, I wish the hospital I go to wouldn't ask so many q's when they c me! it drives me nuts and only gets me asking myself y! I hope ur feeling better and arn't so stressed now! ur right about the people who don't cut...they don't get it unless they experience it! A razor does 4 me what people can't even get close to accomplishing...the rush the pain and everything that comes w/it! take care! *hugs* Christine

maggie
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Sun Jun 17 11:19:43 2001 (#8021)

if you hear from strider again could you tell him that i wish for him every day. coz im not religiouse(sp??) its my way of praying. tell him i miss him and i hope hes ok. and that i hope he finds love, happieness and peace in life as he of all people deserves it.

thank you. Amanda

Re: maggie
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jun 18 11:58:58 2001 (#8047)

Hey! Sure I'll pass on your message. He really was the angel of this board, wasn't he? He had been worried he wouldn't get into the Army because of his cutting, and he was so thrilled 2 weeks ago when he found out he was accepted. I really think he is on his way to complete recovery... this fresh break is doing him good. You're right... he does deserve it!

Maggie.

New member
Posted by Netukaen Maat on Sun Jun 17 13:18:03 2001 (#8023)

I am not sure what to say. I feel nervous just writing this as I am sure most ppl know each other and I'm obviously new.

I'm female, nearky 30, and am a survivor of abuse and therefore have the 'label' of PTSD with the si beginning directly with the first trauma plus my parents were extremely controlling.

I am on a health benefits payment for the PTSD but I have some qualifications in social work and want to return and maybe major in counselling. I'd like to recover myself - completely - and then be able to help others in Australia where there are no centres for si'ers or PTSD/Traumna sufferers etc whch I think is very poor compared to the UK and USA.

In terms of my own recovery, well I haven't si'd for 6 months..... my longest was a few yrs.. and I am in a quandry as my counsellor is being moved back away from my area, her supervisor has a long waiting list and I need to see her asap. I was only seeing the counsellor one every month or two due to her travelling down to my area rarely and that was never good enough. I really hope she tells Rosalie, her supervisor, about me asap as we were ready to re-enact or go through, reliving, a trauma, for the session when my counsellor cancelled it and said she'd put me on her supervisor's list. I feel most put out and rather depressed.

Anyway, this is about me. I do have positive things in my life but I might mention those if anyone asks and is interested!

I'll sign off no especially as it is past 10pm and I am very tired.

hank you for reading, Nutekaen Maat.

Re: New member
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 17 16:39:29 2001 (#8028)

Nutekaen Maat, I'm happy u came here to talk to us! about me~ my name is Christine~ I'm 14 and have been cutting for a few yrs now! I c a councilor every 3 weeks! and have been sent to mental hospitals and hopitals many times already! I'm here to support ne 1 that comes here and I ask for support as well! I hope ur feeling better and less depressed about everything! whenever u need to talk I'm always here! please tell me about all the good things in your life...I'd like to hear them if it's ok w/u! keep posting! Christine

Re: New member
Posted by *me* on Sun Jun 17 19:19:55 2001 (#8031)

Hey!!! WELCOME! You will come to LOVE this board. Everyone is so kind and supporting!!

Lots of love

Re: New member
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jun 17 19:23:05 2001 (#8033)

WELCOME to the board. I'm really glad that you found us. Please feel free to post the good stuff in your life as well as anything else. It's nice to take a positive break for a while. Anyway, welcome again!

Re: New member
Posted by Linda on Sun Jun 17 20:43:07 2001 (#8037)

Welcome! I am not a cutter nor have I ever been admitted to the hospital for anything other than a C-section(three of them) : ) I am a mother and have a friend who has been involved in self-injury in the past. I came for information but what I found was of much more value. I am here to support and help in any way I can. If you need a mother, I am especially qualified in that area. If you need spiritual counseling I LOVE that area as all will attest. We're glad to have you with us.

Re: New member
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jun 18 02:17:01 2001 (#8044)

Hi! Welcome to the best place around. My daughter,Tara, posts here and that's why I post. I try to give an adults view on why I think we act like we do. I totally support Tara and have for the last 4 years. She hasn't cut in almost 6 months and has also been labeled with PTSD and ADD. She is on 3 different medications and is doing great. She still has her bad days but we know it just takes time. If you ever need to talk, this is a good place to do it. Take care and stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom

Psychotic Thoughts
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 17 14:51:02 2001 (#8024)

Hi I really don't know what to do. I take anti-psychotics and I have slight szchizophrenia...I'm really scared constantly that Im going to do something or hear something or have a scary hallucination and just freak out in front of a whole bunch of people. I take 75mg. of seroquel everyday, an anti-psychotic, its supposed to slow down those thoughts, but it's not. I thought after a while they would slow down or go away but they havn't. I hear people calling my name , I get scared and scream. I see things on the wall that look like images of people. and headlights coming straight towards my little lifeless body at night. The worst was while I was sitting in the psych ward I saw blood dripping down the walls. I freaked out and was almost restrained. Does anyone else ever have those feelings? I will also carry on like 2 hour conversations with myself acting as if Im talking to someone else, but no one's there. I have done that my whole life and it's very scary, I stop myself sometimes..The doctors told me that that is so common that she won't even report it, that mad me so angrey! No one knows the nasty thoughts that run through my mind. I love my parents but I have these urges to get up and kill them brutally and it scares me. I get so violent with my siblings I nearly kill them or beat them severly I have to stop myself. I cut so deep without knowing it I have had stitches which I didn't mean to have. Please help me. Im so scared...I feel that death is the only answer now. thanks.

Re: Psychotic Thoughts
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 17 16:45:58 2001 (#8029)

KAT, Please don't b scared...I'm here...IM me or e-mail me ne time u want...I'm here for u! Death isn't the only answer there r other ways to help! Please....Please IM or e-mail me! I'm always here 4 u! I have hullucinations sort of like that b4! (hugging u) everything is gonna b fine! it's just takes time! Christine

Re: Psychotic Thoughts
Posted by Rabbit on Sun Jun 17 19:20:40 2001 (#8032)

I'm afraid that I don't have too much to offer you. I was on 100 mg of Seroquil for a while and it seemed to help me, but I'm not szchizophrenic or szchizo-effective, so our dissorders are not similar. I know that the paranoid and even violent thoughts are, indeed, normal, but even so they are still frightening and disturbing to have. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish there was something more I could say. Hang in there and keep working with you therapist.

Re: Psychotic Thoughts
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jun 18 12:37:27 2001 (#8048)

Is it possible that your homicide thoughts are manifestations of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)??? With OCD people sometimes experience unwanted thoughts that keep persisting, and causes them anxiety. It is apparently common that these thoughts take the form of hurting people we love, even though that's the last thing we want. Benzodiazepines can be useful in treating these symptoms if the cause is OCD.

I dunno... just an idea. Take Care, Maggie.

Re: Psychotic Thoughts
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 17 20:43:53 2001 (#8038)

i am psychotic..well, in my own opinion. i ALWAYS ALWAYS have those conversations. its hard to put into words, but they feel real and you are completely there but you know its not reality. i also see things that are not there. carpets with flecks drive me crazy becuase i watch them liquify....its so scary. there is a spotted carpet on the stairs up to my therapists office and one day after i left i couldnt go down the stairs for like four or five hours becuase i totally saw them as a waterfall, even though i knew they werent really, it really was...reality is your creation. time and truth can only be defined by your own perception so they are what you make of them. i hear voices, mostly DID i think. i hear conversations and things of my alters and i look around and nobody is there. tiles in the bathroom are like mirrors to the past and future. reality is like a monet painting. it looks like something tangeable from far away when you dont think about it too much, but as soon as you get too close, it turns into millions of undefined dots that can take on whatever form your head can imagine.

Re: Psychotic Thoughts
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jun 18 12:44:44 2001 (#8049)

I used to wanna know the distinction between neurotic and psychotic, and figure out which one I was.

Neurotic is doing things but you know they are unusual (ie: you're still in reality)

Psychotic is not knowing that they behaviour is unusual, and really believing hallucinations and delusions you may experience.

It seems that anyone here can not be psychotic simply because their presence here means they acknowledge their unusual behaviour.

I like this quote:

Neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics move it.

Re: Psychotic Thoughts
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jun 18 02:24:53 2001 (#8045)

Hey KAT, Sounds like you need a new doctor! Seriously, I couldn't trust a doctor who said that was so common and not do anything about it. I'm not familuar with the drug your taking, but could it be the dosage is not working? And if you're having those kinds of thoughts, you do need someone to help you. Please let me know what's happening with you. Please try to find a doctor who will really help. There are a lot of Quacks out there who act like they don't give a damn as long as they get some money. That's just my opinion. Take care and stay safe. Love, Tara's Mom

kat ! please read
Posted by emm on Tue Jun 19 22:56:38 2001 (#8080)

hia kat! its me, emma. i havent told anyone here because i thought it would freak them out ,but im a schizophrenic! doesnt mean im a mental case but yeah i see the weird things like people following me,blood on my friends arms(which makes me think shes in the same boat),and the nasty voices. i think these are the worst because they say horrid things to you and tell you what you can and cant do and of course you obay them. i only hear three people usually(not always) sometimes more, but the main three consist of an evil man, a good fairy and me and alot of the time another horrible man. do you hear these kinds of things too?

ive never heard of those types of drugs being used with szchizophrenia before? i am on something i cant remember and prozac! theyre not to bad. they bar some of the halucinations and some of the depression. post back as it would be interesting to here form another schizso! lotsa love!

emma ***

Re: kat ! please read
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 20 04:38:43 2001 (#8086)

Hi Emma, well yeah I know where you are coming from. =)It's extremly hard to explain to people the things that I hear and seem to see and feel b/c I'm almost sure they will either think I'm lying or will be totally freaked out by me and not want to be around me. I can't exactly name off the kinds of people I think I'm hearing or the figures I think I'm seeing but my medicine is my life saver. I am probably going to be admitted into a residential treatment care center for a month or more so that I can learn to cope with and handle all of the problems I seem to have. Good luck to you, -Love-

Re: kat ! please read
Posted by jen on Wed Jun 20 11:58:42 2001 (#8094)

ya i sometimes think that i hear someone calling my name or i see things on a wall or a shadow behind me, things like that. i hate sleeping in my room,it scares me, crazy huh? well just posting to tell you that you arent alone,

cutting, depression, suicide. Please Read
Posted by Suzie on Mon Jun 18 00:05:03 2001 (#8041)

I currently have a site about my depression and cutting and all that stuff.

* you can get a link by going to my diary's main page *

But i think it would be helpful to me, and to other people if i got peoples stories. Stories about their cutting, their depression, their thoughts and/or attempts at suicicde. At perfection. Eating disorders.

Please email me with your stories. Or instant message me.

email : Renthead020@aol.com

screen name : Phish Visor

MSN Screen name : Phish_Visor@hotmail.com

note me back here also too.

in the webpage i would include your name (either what you tell me, or your Open Diary name) your age (what ever i know) and your storie.

if you want i could also link your storie to your diary.

than again if you dont want anyone to know anything about you, besides yourself, i wont post anything either.

i am looking to make my page more than just another web page. I will includes pomes, Drawings stories. links to places you think would help.

im doing this page to help myself. and to help others.

thank you so much. Really. Thanks

suzie

Re: cutting, depression, suicide. Please Read
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 18 01:10:42 2001 (#8042)

maybe it's just me, and I'm sick in the head but the pictures of other peoples cuts and such on this page reallly interest me. I would love to e-mail you my story and help out any way that I can I think maybe by adding pictures of people's scars and cuts might be a good thing too. Although then again it is your site and it might be triggering to you so I wouldn't want that to happen. Best of luck to you. =)

Re: cutting, depression, suicide. Please Read
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 18 20:59:45 2001 (#8052)

Suzie, I'll give u my story or ne thing else u want to help out! I'll send it to u l8er though cuz I'm kinda busy! good luck w/your webpage! Christine

back again... not doing well...
Posted by lys on Mon Jun 18 04:34:30 2001 (#8046)

so, I am getting an assessment right now, but I hate it here. It is a 30 day assessment, but I can not deal with it at all. I have been doing really badly with the cutting and everything, and I feel like giving up, I can't live like this anymore, but I also can't live any other way. I had to cut on my chest and stomach because I am lacking other places to cut, and I just feeling like I am losing it. I am. I really am. I am dying inside, I feel this horrible pain, and sadness, and yet an emptiness too. I want to die. I just want to end this pain. I am having a bath tonight, so I may decide to cut my wrists, and the veins in my leg, but I don't know if I have the guts.

I am really paranoid right now. People can read my mind, and I just want it to stop. They read y thoughts, screw around with them and then pretend they are mine. They steal my dreams at night, and thn the bad people come and make everything that happened to me before happen again. I can't deal with it at all. I just want them to stop!! I don't know what to do. please help me!!!

Re: back again... not doing well...
Posted by Linda on Mon Jun 18 17:21:20 2001 (#8050)

((((((((Lys))))))) I just tried to send you an email at your old email address and it was returned. Please email me.

Re: back again... not doing well...
Posted by *me* on Mon Jun 18 18:50:47 2001 (#8051)

Hey Lys!!! We've missed ya on the board. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing too well. I don't really know any advice to give. But please just know that we all care about you and that if anything happened to you we'd miss ya bunches! Don't do anything rash. You're in my prayers. Take care.

Lots of love

Re: back again... not doing well...
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 18 21:04:46 2001 (#8053)

Lys, u don't have to end w/cutting or suicide...there r other ways...I'll even help u out if u want...I'm here for u! please don't cut! everything gets better and the "bad people" go away! I'm here for u if u need anything! my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com please don't let the name throw u off! e-mail or IM me ne time u want! I hope ur fine right now! *hugs* Christine

Re: back again... not doing well...
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 18 22:34:25 2001 (#8055)

Lys, PLEASE be careful. death isn't the answer. i know that is what is always said but it is true. we must must persevere. i am worried for you, please take care and be extra careful. love julie

not again!
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 18 21:14:35 2001 (#8054)

2day we were having a big paper ball fight in my industrial technology class to piss off my teacher for the end of the year bcuz we don't do ne thing else in his class...and my friend flipped out on me when I got her w/a paper ball! She started bad mouthing my religion, my cutting, what I wear, and how I look! no one in that class likes me either so they started screaming shit like kick her cutting witch craft ass! I hate everyone in that class and I was only trying to have fun w/her! they all made me feel soo fucking bad that I just ran into the bathroom and slit my left wrist...I couldn't do the other cuz another gurl from that class came in and saw me so I dropped the razor! I'm soo stupid! I hate my school and everyone in it! I had to bandage up my wrist cuz I didn't have long sleeves...no one asked about ne thing...they didn't even notice I was there after!

Before that I went to a graduation party w/the "populars" at my school cuz 1 of the gurls having the party was friends w/my sister! They picked on me and when I left them for a few minutes no one even noticed I left! I only 1 that noticed that I kept sitting alone was my ex! It drove me nuts! no one even notices I'm alive unless they need someone to pick on and bug the shit out of! it's nothing compared to the usual things they do...but it's just enough to bug the living shit out of u! sry if I'm taking ^ ur time! Christine

Re: not again!
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 18 22:41:08 2001 (#8056)

Cristine.

There are sooo many phony heartless, shallow people in the world it isn't even funny. they have nothing in their lives if they do stupid stuff like that. that is unexcusable. i used to wonder why more people didn't cut. now i know they would rather take out their problems on other people. i am not saying si is good, it is just better, in my opinion, than taking it on innocent people. so sorry that happened. take deep care. here's to hope. love julie

Re: not again!
Posted by *me* on Mon Jun 18 23:04:57 2001 (#8058)

Hey I'm sorry that had to happen to you. You're such a wonderful person and we all love you here!! You are important to us! People can be stupid sometimes. There's no excuse for them. Take care hun!

Lots of love

Re: not again!
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jun 19 02:03:01 2001 (#8062)

That totally sucks! But at least you know that you are always loved and accepted here. We care and we notice when you are gone. Keep posting and hang in there.

Re: not again!
Posted by ali on Tue Jun 19 11:08:11 2001 (#8068)

hey sweetie, those people are a whole lot of nothing. We all love you! Take care.

Re: not again!
Posted by lindsey on Tue Jun 19 20:40:22 2001 (#8074)

aw baby!!!!!! ur so nice i dont see how anyone could ever be mean to u, dont take there crap, ive lost so many friends b/c i cut those kinda ppl are dicks u always have me:):):) plz dont feel bad plz dont u always make feel happy, aw e-mail hun im here for u! i really am! smile:)

am i ??
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 18 22:56:50 2001 (#8057)

right now. i am here in the moment. but my mind keeps whirling around in circles. i can't think straight. i can't remember what i was going to write...

sry.focus.focus. i don't understand how i can look like everyone else but be so different. i think i am losing my head. i want to harm this psycho therapists that i used to go to. BUT i found out today that he is a good family friend of one of my friends. she said to me,"he is such a nice man." here i am having evil thoughts toward him. am i completely weird?? sometimes i think that i am making everything up. that everything is a figment of my imagination.

there is no si board, there is no family no friends, there is no nothing, except my mind floating and making things up. i am seriously terrified of myself. sometimes i don't know what i am going to do. i will be talking calmly to someone while seeing myself running through a window and i can see things smashing and glass breaking. and i am still talking to the other person. this is driving me mad.

Also i scare myself the way i manipulate people. i feel that i have control over them and it is scary b/c sometimes i actually do. my mind is taking over my heart and soul and body. i talk to people and realize that i am lying to get what i want. and i don't know how i have the reputation to be a well adjusted person.

someone wrote in my yearbook that usually they can figure people out but that i have always given them trouble. well WHOOPEE. i don't understand myself.

here's my quote, " You can run from yourself, but you can't run far, 'cause where ever you go, there you are."

sorry for the rambling i feel so scared i don't know what i am doing.

take care all. julie

Re: am i ??
Posted by black rose on Tue Jun 19 01:52:59 2001 (#8060)

Julie, I feel the way u do...not really about the manipulating ppl part though! it's like I can just talk to someone and think of my own death or things that lead me to thinking that I'm completely nuts...but I'm not! It's scare me a little to! my so called "friend" told me last year that no one will ever understand me! I don't get it...am I supposed to b understood...I don't get all the people around me y should they get me! I'll quit my annoying ramblings now...I bet u don't wanna hear them any more! just take care hun...don't b scared...if u r just e-mail or IM me...I'm just a click away! Christine

This is me venting about my frickin mother
Posted by *me* on Mon Jun 18 23:15:15 2001 (#8059)

GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! !!!!!!!! She makes me so freaking mad!

Ok so a lot of you know what happened when she saw my cuts. I guess I'll recap for the new ppl even tho I'm sure no one gives a crap. So I wore boxer shorts to bed one night and she came in to check on me and apparently my razor cuts were visible and she saw them. She asked me about them the next day on the phone - "are you scratching yourself?" Holy crap they were RAZOR cuts. How the hell can they look like scratches?? But anyway she continued on to ask me numerous times, "do you know those scratches could scar?" No sh*t, really? You know, I've always thought all the freaking scars on my body just appeared magically. So anyways she never mentioned them again.

Until today. And you know what? I don't think she gives a damn. I mean, I kinda got that impression before when she IGNORED the fact that I had razor cuts covering my thighs, but this just reinforced it. All she asked me was if they scarred. "Did they leave a mark? Did they scar?" and I didn't answer her and she dropped it. Scars. That's all she's worried about. Who gives a freaking crap about me, lets just see if they left a permanent mark that others might see someday. And your perfect little daughter won't be so damn perfect anymore. Thanks a whole bunch mom for caring so freaking much about me. It really makes me feel so damn worth while in this world. Your support and concern amazes me.

Sry. Needed to get that off my chest.

Re: This is me venting about my frickin mother
Posted by black rose on Tue Jun 19 01:57:56 2001 (#8061)

OMG I know exactly what u mean...that's all my mom talks about is my scars...not my actually cutting or how I feel...like that could ever be apart of all the scars or reasons why they're there in the 1st place! my mom wont talk to me about my cutting ne ways and when she does it's THE SCARS! she denies everything and acts like the cuts appear all by themselves. I'll shut up now! take care! Christine

Re: This is me venting about my frickin mother
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jun 19 02:10:26 2001 (#8063)

That sounds all too familiar. My mom did the same thing when she saw mine. She started a lecture and then just dropped it and never mentioned it again. I don't know why, but I think that maybe your mom just doesn't know WHAT to do ansd the path of least resistence is always the easiest. Parents only see what they want to and they purposfully shut their eyes to the rest because they are scared. (Unless they happen to be really healthy and well adjusted, but let's face it that never happens.) I am sorry that you feel unimportant and uncared for. We care. It matters to us. Hang in there, ok?

Re: This is me venting about my frickin mother
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jun 19 04:38:45 2001 (#8064)

Not all moms can handle this. In fact, most of them I've read about on this board can't. I can. It makes me sad to know that it happens but I know that I have to be there for support. I don't really care about Tara's scars. I guess to me they show what a battle she has and still goes through. She is still alive and with her family. That is all that we care about. I don't really know why all the moms worry so much about scars instead of worring about getting theri children the help they need. Like I've said before, I just want to shake some parents hard and make them understand they have a responibility to see that their children feel loved and wanted. Any way, I'm sorry your mothers don't seem to give a damn. Every one of you is on this earth for a reason and that in itself makes you all special. Please stay safe and take care of yourselves. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: This is me venting about my frickin mother
Posted by lindsey on Tue Jun 19 15:42:52 2001 (#8069)

grrrrrrrr when im mad at u im mad at u, (mom) dont bug me i dont wannt to talk to u fuck, my mom is always bugging me to, dont worry hun it happens to all of us! i love ya!

Leaving for vacation
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jun 19 04:41:06 2001 (#8065)

Hi everyone, Tara and I just wanted to let everyone know that we are leaving on our family camp-out and won't be posting till Friday. I hope you all stay safe. You're all in our prayers. Love, Tara and her Mom

Re: Leaving for vacation
Posted by black rose on Tue Jun 19 20:51:23 2001 (#8075)

Tara and Mom, I hope u have fun on ur vacation...we'll miss u both while u r gone! take care! Christine

fell down that BIG hill
Posted by lindsey on Tue Jun 19 05:27:07 2001 (#8066)

ok guys i go to therpyevery week rite? well i go on thursayday rite.... well fuck this week has been so bad andi dont know y. iv ecut so much, im slipping down that hill, the big one u have to climb to get better, imback where i started....at the bottom :( but i cut on my ankle so no one can see it, and when i got home today all my mom did was YELL AT ME and then she doesnt understand y im mad

aw fuck me like come i walk in the door from school ( its the last day) im in a good mood and what does she do bitch at me, gr i wanted to cut so badly but i only cut rite before i go to bed, so i try no to go to bed... help me plz---sorry its long

Re: fell down that BIG hill
Posted by black rose on Tue Jun 19 20:54:42 2001 (#8076)

Lindsey, everyone slips and falls...u just gotta get back ^ and start again...it's not an easy walk ^ that hill! we can all tell u that 1! but u can make it! u don't need to cut...we're here for u! take care! *hugs* Christine

hi lindsey !
Posted by emm on Tue Jun 19 23:13:04 2001 (#8081)

hia. sorry i didnt post for so long, things have been hectic! so how are you? stupid question. so.theripy. personally i think its a waist of time as the theripist only made me feel like a really nasty person and about 5 inches tall. if it was the theripist that made you feel this bad, you've got to stop for a bit.have a break from that anoying voice and only go back when you feel you want to. as for your mum , it looks like shes never going to grasp it. not many do( i think the only one who does is tara's mum) shes soooo lucky. also about slipping down the hill. if you are trying to stop,(like me) when ever you feel angrry or like you want to cut, log on and post a message, any time! and i'll post back and try and make you feel better! hope this has cheered you up. lots a love emma*** (not bad for a schizo,and not insane yet) just shows you what they no!!!!

Re: fell down that BIG hill
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Thu Jun 21 07:45:08 2001 (#8113)

Lindsey, it me Dawn Hensley. I wan't to tell you that you really helped me not to cut last nite, Now I read that the nite before was crap for you. I know how that is.

I'll be turning 49 July 5 so there's a big gap between our ages, but the commonality of cutting spans that gap.

As a human being you support other cutters, and then you fall to the blade yourself. That is crazy making.

I am probably older than your mother, but I'll tell you this, mothering doesn't come with a how to book, Mothers have their own crap, and sometimes that crap takes the form of yelling and kids. I was one of those mothers. And I put my kids through hell. I am sorry your mom gives you her crap. It sounds like just being a teenager in this day and age is hard enough to deal with.

I'm overcoming a lot of crap, I know you can too. You really helped me last night and I won't forget it.

HEY GUYS
Posted by LOST on Tue Jun 19 07:25:28 2001 (#8067)

sorry i haven't been here for a long time. a lot of shit has been happening. first of all i've been working all the time (and also babysitting every night) so those combined gives me no time for anything... then i haveto throw in the whole social life thing. i'm just busy a lot. WELLLL as for some shitty shit happening, i got kicked out. i'm pretty much homeless. the people i babysit for are letting me stay with them for a week or two... after that if i don't have aplace to stay, its time to sleep in parks and wierd places once again. oh well tho. at least i have my car right? (if it doesn't break down on me). my bf should be getting out of jail in 2 weeks (he's been in there for a yr and 3 months already) i'm excited about that :) i bought a ginnea pig too and named him after my bf :) its our son :) hehe anyway, i dunno what else to say besides i hope u guys are doing ok and i'll try to come here as much as i can. stay up.

Re: HEY GUYS
Posted by elle on Tue Jun 19 19:48:19 2001 (#8071)

Hey! i am happy to see you, i hope you are ok...i really need to get out of my house, i cant stand it anymmore. maybe we could runa away to gether! haha! hope u find a place to stay! love ya! elle

Re: HEY GUYS
Posted by black rose on Tue Jun 19 21:01:22 2001 (#8077)

hi hun, I hope u find a place to live and have fun w/ur bf! if u weren't so far away and my parents actually let me have other ppl in the house bsides my 1st grade friend then I'd let u come and stay w/us! I hope ur doing ok now! please take care! *hugs* Christine

new here
Posted by withering rose on Tue Jun 19 16:47:52 2001 (#8070)

by my subject i mean both that i am new to this board and to cutting. I haven't done much but would like to stop before this goes any further. i would like to tell someone, specifically a friend of mine who cuts. but she is going through a rough time right now and i don't know if i should ask for her help. please advise.

Re: new here
Posted by elle on Tue Jun 19 19:50:29 2001 (#8072)

dont tell her. it will upset her. she will feel responsible for your cutting. bad idea. tell an adult who can help, someone who can help you get into therapy or something. good luck.

Re: new here
Posted by lindsey on Tue Jun 19 20:35:07 2001 (#8073)

i really agree with elle dont tell ur friend, a friend of mine taht cut found mine but i didnt tell her and i dont like to talk to her about it b/c i dont want to make her cut more, but yes im proud of u for wanting to get help! thats good keep thikn that way!!!!! - always here for ya! lovelindsey!

Re: new here
Posted by black rose on Tue Jun 19 21:06:04 2001 (#8078)

well first off welcome to the board and I'm happy to hear that u wanna stop b4 it gets worse! we're a supportive group of 1 another and will help u w/ne thing we can! if u ever need someone to talk to I'm here my sn is listed above don't let it throw u off! u really should tell some1 about ur cutting...but only when u feel like it...no pressure! but if u do decide to tell some1 tell someone that can really help u...like a professional (councilor)!just a little tip! it worked for me! if ur friend ever needs help to just tell her that she can come here ne time she wants as well as u! take care! Christine

Re: new here
Posted by Dawn Hensley on Wed Jun 20 06:31:02 2001 (#8090)

I think this is a good place to get help.. that is why I'm here. I'm new too. To this anyway. I've been cutting for 12 years. I sometimes wish I hadn't started. It becomes a habit, like taking drugs. The sooner you talk to a professional about what is going on inside you that makes you want to harm yourself the less you will need to disengage from those things by cutting them away.

Trust me, cutting can be a real hassel. Doctors may not say it, nurses may not say it, but when the ER is busy and they have to treat you and they have so many others to treat who didn't injure themselves their attitude says a lot.

Find a good counselor who will listen to you, and if you find one that doesn't you can fire them. I did. I couldn't believe it but I did. And I did because I had a good counselor who I saw for quite a while who showed me what a good counselor was, and she told me I had the power to fire anyone who didn't listen to me. I don't know if any of what I say has helped you. But it has helped me.

If you need to chat I think they give my email address. You could call around different offices and ask if they have practice counseling cutters. Later

so many times i've........
Posted by katie on Tue Jun 19 22:27:12 2001 (#8079)

so people, so many bad things, so many scares to releive the pain, so many times i've cutten a vain, so many times i'v been in so much pain, so many times i felt lost and afraid, so many times i only have me to blame, so many times that everyone fights, so many times i cry at night, so many times that i lie to cover the blood, so many times i wished someone understood, so many times i've cried for help, so many times i've felt like there is nothing that can help, so many times i feel worthless inside, so many times i wish that i could just die ~katie

Re: so many times i've........
Posted by emm on Tue Jun 19 23:22:28 2001 (#8082)

katie! dont say that. especially not now. everyone here understands.or at least i do! ok, so you wont be modeling the latest smim wear-well you might. but who wants to flaunt themselves around.well not all the time. any way scars do fade and wounds heal. ok so its taken mine about 6 months just for the little ones but sometimes if the sleves are half way down you arms, people dont bother looking . sorry for blabbing. im tiered. as you can tell. let me know what happens. i'll always be here to listen and simpathise ( and waffle on for pages)

lots a love emma ***

Re: so many times i've........
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 20 01:22:05 2001 (#8083)

Katie, Please don't say that! I'm here for u I care about every little thing that happens to u! and I'm here to help u feel better! I'm here for u ne time u need to talk! *hugs* Christine

necrosis
Posted by m on Wed Jun 20 01:34:48 2001 (#8084)

anyone heard from him?

Re: necrosis
Posted by simon on Wed Jun 20 23:12:11 2001 (#8099)

Have been locked away in my own world for the past couple of months, so haven't kept in touch with many people, and necrosis is someone i want to contact again as i haven't heard from him in ages. Please, if anyone has any info, let us know!

Re: necrosis
Posted by blue on Wed Jun 20 23:45:44 2001 (#8101)

yep, he's ok. will give him a kick up the arse & make him post so you all stop worrying! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: necrosis
Posted by necrosis on Wed Jun 20 23:54:57 2001 (#8104)

yeah, I'm ok. I guess I drifted as I get sick of myself writing the same junk. I still check the board but being older (25) & male it's hard to relate to most of the posts & I IM a lot of self harmers & my girlfriend has a lot of problems so I guess I don't need the board as much. Probably produce a ramble soon though

get back to you Simon - want to know how you're doing

love & small elephants

xxxx

Re: necrosis
Posted by simon on Thu Jun 21 00:26:15 2001 (#8105)

cheers, theres an email, of sorts waiting 4 u

...
Posted by black rose on Wed Jun 20 02:32:13 2001 (#8085)

Please dont judge me by my face, by my religion or my race. Please dont laugh at what i wear, or how I look or do my hair. Please look a little deeper, way down deep inside. And although you may not see it, I have a lot to hide. Behind my clothes the secrets lie, behind my smile, I softly cry. Please look a little deeper, and maybe you will see. The lonely little girl, that lives inside of me. Please listen carefully to her, she'll show that she is insecure Please try to be a friend to her, and show her that you care. Please just get to know her, and maybe you will see. That if you just look deep enough, you'll find the real me

Re: ...
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jun 20 06:16:41 2001 (#8089)

AW IVE READ THAT BEFORE, AND I LOVE U FOR U NOT FOR UR CLOTHES OR OR HAIR OR UR FACE I DONT CARE WAHT PPL SAY"FRIENDS FIRST" always friends first! babe dont worry about what they think * hugs* -linzee

Re: ...
Posted by elle on Wed Jun 20 06:31:30 2001 (#8091)

thats beautiful

Re: ...
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 20 20:06:48 2001 (#8097)

I LOVE THAT POEM!!!!!! It's one of my favorites.

Lots of love

Re: ...
Posted by Jue on Wed Jun 20 23:40:24 2001 (#8100)

in my very numb self that made my heart feel. thank you so much that is beautiful.

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