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Threads 1901 to 1950

CLOSE CALL!!!!
Posted by *me* on Wed May 30 02:24:52 2001 (#7691)

I HATE THE GREEN THINGY AT THE TOP THAT SAYS SELF INJURY REALLY BIG!!!!!!! Just a few minutes ago my mom was right in the hallway outside the room w/ the comp in it, and I was on this site, and I tried to get off but my comp was sloooooow and she came into the room like one second after the screen went away. She was seriously thisclose to seeing it. *whew*

Re: CLOSE CALL!!!!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Wed May 30 05:52:07 2001 (#7694)

AHHHHHHHHHH that happens to me ALL the time!!!!!! its even worse for me cause the computer is right in the dining room, its horrrrible, my sister is always like "Dood shanna what are you looking at?!" uhg, that stupid big thingy, lol, yes well, okay buh bye ~shanna

Re: CLOSE CALL!!!!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Wed May 30 17:04:07 2001 (#7700)

Geeezee tell me bout it, I have to minamize the damn screan every time I hear someone walking near the door. It's a pain in the ass. Also no one here knows how to knock on a door and they all just come bargeing through.

Drew :)

Re: CLOSE CALL!!!!
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 00:48:41 2001 (#7712)

OMG *me*...I hate that thin too!!! whenever my parents walk by the comp and c it they give me this weird look...so I try to get rid of it and scroll down! they question me everytime they hear about self injury and I'm there! it sux! Christine

therapist?
Posted by tash on Wed May 30 13:47:48 2001 (#7697)

does anyone have a therapist who doesn't understand SI? If I am depressed about it, or about the scars, she says stuff like "it doesn't matter what you look like" (which might be v. noble, but somehow seems to invalidate the distress I feel) or "why don't you do something about it instead of going on about it." I think it annoys her, or maybe she thinks I want attention. But how do you cope with it, or with having done it? I feel so much worse and guilty for having already SI'ed, that I just spiral into despair. The pain seems to go round in circles.

What kind of things do helpful counsellors say?

Aaaaaargh! I just want to scream -- I'd like s/o to care and understand -- like a guardian angel or something! Pathetic, sorry, rambling.

Re: therapist?
Posted by Nuni on Wed May 30 17:03:58 2001 (#7699)

In my many years of SI... Im 28, my therapist usually tries to figure out what triggered me. I have never heard him imply that I should stop cutting and he always allows me to talk about it if its what I want to do.. It is the only way you can find out what is going on with you. You are not rambling, and far from pathetic. I appreciate your suffering. I am not a guradian angel but I will try to help as much as I can. E-mail me if you like...take care, Nuni

Re: therapist?
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Wed May 30 20:34:41 2001 (#7704)

My therapist trys to find out why, like she asks whatr was going on that day, or just like that, she always trys and find out why, and try to fix proplems, yeah..take care~shanna

Re: therapist?
Posted by ChrisE on Wed May 30 20:45:35 2001 (#7706)

Good question.... I think I want to try gettin help again, but last time I couldn't bring myself to actually raise the subject.

My problem is that I know they can break their oath if they think you might be a danger to yourself, so I don't trust them, so i don't tell them anything that matters, so i stop going cos it isn't helping...

advice?

Re: therapist?
Posted by elle on Wed May 30 23:10:36 2001 (#7709)

yeah, i hate that they can tell. and when it comes to SI there is no privacy privlage. sucks butts. and Nuni you are so lucky. my shrink is always telling me to stop. he says never again. so i just stop telling him.

Re: therapist?
Posted by simon on Wed May 30 22:31:49 2001 (#7708)

Can't really offer great advice, but I can say that my therapist says pretty much the same stuff as yours. The most she does is to draw a sketch of how I burned and pass it onto a psychiatrist-I never burn at random, there's always a type of pattern involved. Other than that, it's rarely mentioned on her part, even when they're so visible to her. If I bring the subject up, she soon changes it. I've given up now trying to get some sort of positive reaction from her, i've been SI-ing for over 6 years, and been with this therapist for 5 years, it's a little too late I think for her to try and tackle my SI.

Re: therapist?
Posted by Drew on Thu May 31 00:04:56 2001 (#7711)

Personally, and from what I've observed here therapist don't know shit and can't help you anyways, I guess thats why I don't go.

thecutthatneverheals :)

Re: therapist?
Posted by simon on Thu May 31 20:20:25 2001 (#7727)

Totally agree, they are a complete waste of my time, but unfortunately if i don't go therapy, i don't get my social security £, and will more than likely get sectioned. so i go, talk about fuck all, and get my money.

Re: therapist?
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 00:52:05 2001 (#7713)

Tash, if she doesn't understand SI or what ur going thru get another therapist! it'll make u feel alot better when ur w/someone that can help and not judge u...trust me! u shouldn't b feeling that bad ne more...she should b able to help u! christine

Re: therapist?
Posted by Nuni on Thu May 31 01:09:36 2001 (#7714)

Hi again, I agree with Christine. I learned after almost 3 mths of seeing this therapist is the only way therapy helps is by being completely honest. I know it is difficult but you will never know unless you give it a chance. Now, like black rose said if you feel your therapist is judging you may want to rethink him/her. They are not in the business to judge, they should try to avoid personal feelings. If they cant hide that, then they are not ready to deal with someone that SI's... I have been cutting a long time, and I was able to stop for a year and then I started again and then it was months that I stopped, Im hoping next time I quit it will be for good. Something else<<< I remember someone saying that cutting is something we need, why would they (DR's) take a life preserver away from a drowning man? Because I believe that if I didnt have SI, I would be dead.. Sorry this was so long.. You all feel free to write if you need to, Take care. Love and hugs, Nuni

Re: therapist? and thank you all muchly
Posted by tash on Thu May 31 09:33:20 2001 (#7725)

Dear Nuni and everyone,

Thanks so much for your replies -- they meant a lot to me. I've been hoping for nearly 3 yrs on and off that my therapist will truly listen/ understand /sympathise, thinking there was maybe s/thing wrong with me that I couldn't explain it properly. Yep, I think I need a new counsellor. And you know what? By just being there, you guys have helped me more than that whole time with her. I really, really appreciate it, you're awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((( youall ))))))) love, tash

Re: therapist?
Posted by Chrystyne on Sat Jun 2 06:48:49 2001 (#7757)

Finding a cousler you conect w/ is so important.Go to acouple different councelers.Find one you click w/.And go to them and see how it works out.I have an awsome relationship w/ mine.It's more like talking to afriend and that makes it easyer.It took me years befor I found her.I've been w/ her for a couple years now and she has helped me so much.

Re: therapist?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jun 4 03:27:04 2001 (#7797)

Tash, Chrystyne is right. Try several different ones and see how YOU feel with them. After all, this is about you, not them. Tara went through 3 different ones before she found the one she goes to now. He is awesome. He treats her like a young woman that needs serious help and doesn't make her feel like a kid. Tara has told me he really listens to her then has her try and help him figure out how to help herself. After all, you all do the work. They are there to support you and and maybe make suggestions you could try. The hard stuff is your job. Any way, keep looking. There are good therapists out there. Don't take any crap from anyone, it's your life.Keep posting here also. There are some good people here and they can be someone to listen to when times get tough. Love, Tara's Mom

There is hope and I do care
Posted by Glenda on Thu May 31 01:09:53 2001 (#7715)

Hello :O) like most of you i used to do self injury I used knives,razors,glass anything i could find anyways i was very very depressed beffore i started (SI) using blades almost killed me:O( Well its on my webpage http://www.depression.50megs.c om I stoped (si) now i want to help other people its my way of giving somthing back to the good people who helped me through Please check out my webpage and e-mail me and i will try my best to help you I am not on this message board much so please e-mail me I promise i will never say your dumb for doing (si) cause i don't think thats true and I want to help you so please give me a chance okay? Take care Peace and Love Glenda

Re: There is hope and I do care
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 03:16:57 2001 (#7719)

Glenda, I thank u for ur support...I'll take time to visit ur webpage! thanx 4 posting! Christine

There is hope and I do care
Posted by Glenda on Thu May 31 01:22:36 2001 (#7717)

forever dying...
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 03:42:12 2001 (#7720)

I was soo proud of myself for making it 2 weeks w/o cutting...WAS! I'm soo stupid...I slipped! maybe it was stupid of me to even try to stop...all I do is end up at square one again...cutting like crazy! maybe I"m not even wanted in this world...maybe I should just go! life can't get better for me...it's driving me nuts! sry if I'm taking up ur time w/my pathetic life! Christine hopefully hell is better than this!

Re: forever dying...
Posted by ali on Thu May 31 04:18:16 2001 (#7722)

Hi Christine,

Don't be hard on yourself, you're not stupid, it happens to everyone. With all the best intentions in the world, it's really hard to stop... goodness only knows, I'm all too familiar with that.

And you're most definitely wanted and needed in this world, and by all of us here. You're messages are always so full of caring and compassion, which is what the world needs more than anything.

I know I don't know you in person, but I know from what you write that you're a sweetie, so be kind to yourself, do something nice for yourself, cos you deserve it.

love, ali.

ps yes, I hope girl is ok. It's scary when pple disappear.

Re: forever dying...
Posted by Nuni on Thu May 31 06:34:12 2001 (#7724)

umm I dont think you are stupid.. I think you are trying and you are going to make it, cutting is a symptom. I really believe getting help may help you. HEll, we are already there sister!!!

Nuni

Re: forever dying...
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 23:29:17 2001 (#7730)

Nuni, I alread got help...I have a councilor and I take about a million different pills that suck ass! Thanx ne ways!

Ali + Nuni
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 23:31:59 2001 (#7731)

thanx Ali and Nuni...u guys helped me feel better... :O) I'll always be there for u both and everyone else on this board! Thanx! Christine

Girl
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 03:45:37 2001 (#7721)

I hope ur ok...please e-mail me if u r!

27 Stiches
Posted by katie on Thu May 31 20:35:57 2001 (#7728)

OK SO I'M BACK ONCE AGAIN AND I'M FEELING VERY LOW I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE ER GOT 27 STICHES FOR A CUT ON MY RIBS I WISH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY WRIST BECAUSE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS AND THE LOOK IN MY MOM'S EYES IT'S SO HARD AND I CAN'T HELP IT I'M FEELING SO WORTHLESS AND STUPID I WISH THAT I COULD JUST STOP BUT I CAN'T I HAVE TO CUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY I MAKE IT THREW MY DAYS NORMALLY I'M CAREFUL AND DON'T CUT SO DEEP BUT I WAS SO ANGRRY AND I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY SO HERE I AM NOW WITH MY 27 UGLY SITCHES AND THE WORST PART IS I CVAN'T GET THEM WET FOR AT LEAST 2 WEEKS OK WELL SORRY FOR GOING ON AND ON ABOUT NOTHING TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO READ THIS I HOPE YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN ME ~KATIE

Re: 27 Stiches
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 23:36:40 2001 (#7732)

Katie, or not stupid or worthless...ur nice and smart! u'll forget all about the stitches in a few weeks and everything will be better...u wont feel as mad...maybe a lil' ocward sometimes...but things will get better for u! it doesn't happen right away and no one's perfect! no one really wants to cut...it's just something that takes over u for a while...but it all goes away! hope ur feeling better! Christine

drs, nurses, social workers, therapists, profs.
Posted by Jue on Thu May 31 23:40:41 2001 (#7734)

Katie, i hope you are okay.

I don't know how the doctors treated you, but i was in the same situation on saturday night and i want to say some general stuff about professional people.

This dr. on sat night comes in and is very very rude and greets me like this:

" why do you do this?" me-good ?

" it is so stupid, stop it." silence

"well what was going through your head, because this is a ridiculous thing to do and i just don't see the point of it."silence

"so why? hate yourself" i was sexually abused

" well aren't you pressing charges" given the cicumstances no.

"well this is the 2nd person i have had in here tonight with self-inflicted wounds and i want to figure it out and put a stop to it." silence

The whole rest of the time he stitched me up, i wouldn't speak to him. he was such an unbelievable jerk. nurses do this, therapists, drs, social workers. You think that since they are in a position like that they would be more professional. they are so often jerks and they think si'ers waste their time. but i don't understand why we are less worthy of medical attn then someone who does something crazy and has an accident.

sorry for the rant and rave i just don't get it.

Jue
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 00:19:48 2001 (#7738)

my doctors were the same way when I was in the hosp. for the tylonol! he was such a jerk...but the nurses were nice...I stayed up for days talking to them!

Re: Jue
Posted by winterblood on Sat Jun 2 08:32:28 2001 (#7762)

one night i had to get nine stitches in my arm for my cutting... and the doctor didn't give me anything to numb the pain, said i did it to myself, so i should feel the consequences. i didn't mind the pain, but when he was done i spit on him and told him it was people like him that drove me to cutting.

SO SHES ALIVE HUH???
Posted by MELISSA on Thu May 31 21:13:50 2001 (#7729)

i just got home from the hospital. all i cant think is FUCK!!! i got to find a new way one that works. glad to see your alive lost. you really fucking scared me. i thought you died. hm oh well huh. well im out.

with an X and an O im out like WHOA!!! Me

Melissa
Posted by black rose on Thu May 31 23:39:30 2001 (#7733)

OMG hun...y were u in the hospital¿ r u ok¿ I hope u r! please e-mail me! Christine

Re: Melissa
Posted by melissa on Fri Jun 1 01:05:06 2001 (#7740)

im fine. thanks

Re: SO SHES ALIVE HUH???
Posted by Drew on Fri Jun 1 01:07:28 2001 (#7741)

Oh my god! damn you missy! we all thought you were dead. I'm really glad you're not and we all missed you. if you need to talk feel free to e-mail me.

Re: SO SHES ALIVE HUH???
Posted by *me* on Fri Jun 1 01:44:08 2001 (#7743)

MELISSA!!! Sweetie I was SOOOO worried about you. I'm glad you're here. Stay safe.

Lots of love

black rose
Posted by Jue on Thu May 31 23:48:54 2001 (#7735)

I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me on this board even though i haven't been posting much, i think about you. i also was all set to stop cutting and made it one day and had to have stitches. but now i haven't cut since sat. and feel like i am in withdrawal but i am trying trying trying. my therapist says that set backs are inevitable and that we shouldn't beat ourselves up over them. take care. e-mail me sometime. love julie

Re: black rose
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 00:12:10 2001 (#7736)

Julie, I hope u can make it past 2 weeks! keep trying...it's hard! I'll e-mail u sometime! Christine

Jue
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 00:16:07 2001 (#7737)

if u get this please IM me!

everyone
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 00:37:01 2001 (#7739)

hey everyone, I'm going on a trip on Monday...just to let u know! so I cant respond to ne messages until next SAturday! I'll be here til Sunday I just wanted u all to know! I'm going to Washington D.C. with my school! I'll miss everyone when I'm gone! until then...I'll ttyl8er! Christine

Re: everyone
Posted by ali on Fri Jun 1 05:36:49 2001 (#7746)

Hi Christine, Hope you have a good trip, take care and stay safe, love Ali.

been so long....
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jun 1 01:32:50 2001 (#7742)

Ahhhh I haven't cut for what feels like over a year now, realisticly It's probably only been like 2 or three weeks, but I neeeeeed to cut, but I prommised myself this time I was going to stop, but my life just keeps getting worse and worse and without cutting all I can think about is killing myself, so I go to cut to get the thoughts out of my mind but I can't because I've failed sooo maney times before I can't fail this time but I wanna just cut myself up till I pass out and hopefully bleed to death but I won't let myself and I'm going CRAZY!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I don't know what to do I can't let myself cut again but I refuse to remove my blades from under my pillow because just being there they bring me comfort. But the're soooo tempting and I'm shaking and I just want to end it, and I'm trying so hard not to cut or die but I don't even know what I'm doing anymore all day my mind is telling me to either put it out of it's missery or give it the relife it longs for so much, but I Can't fail again!!!!

sorry for going on but I just need to get this out. And my brothers a FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'm trying to be the supportive guy to all my friends and help them deal with all their depression and their lives and I just want to scream out about myself but I need to be there for them.

So any-who, my Asshole brother knows more or less what I'm going through (not everything) and the mother fucker makes fun of my scares all over my arms. the asshole knows I did them to because I can't deal with things and he's just adding more reasons to cut.... shit I've talked to long, and no ones going to read this far anyways because it's for some reason or another my job to help people while I sit here suffering.. oh well

yours truely, Drew, the going crazy hopless waist of air.

Re: been so long....
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Fri Jun 1 02:24:46 2001 (#7744)

Ohhhh hang in there!! you can do it! i know its hard, i havn't cut in...like 2 weeks, and i think i am going crazy, i couldn't concentrate on school today, all i could think about is cutting, OhOoooo i am gona go CRAZY! dsjmhfjdsghgjfdalgj!!! but hang in there! were all here for ya, take care~shanna

Re: been so long....
Posted by ali on Fri Jun 1 05:26:54 2001 (#7745)

hey Drew, I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Have you tried any of the suggestions on the coping page or on the "secret shame" website for alternatives to cutting? Sometimes it helps me if I do something else, like go for a walk (if it's not the middle of the night!), or scribbling on paper, drawing, or writing, just to keep moving and keep my hands busy, and get some of the pain out. (or take slow, deep breaths to try and calm myself.) Have you tried talking to one of your friends -- they might like to return the favour and be there for you this time. I used to have an asshole boyfriend who put me down about my scars, and anything else he could think of... it really hurt, but you know, I think it says someting about them if they have to do that. You sound like a really caring person, so please, hang in there,

You're not a waste of air, and talk as much as u want, that's what this is for! take care, ali.

Re: been so long....
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 22:05:30 2001 (#7750)

Drew, u can survive longer w/o cutting...and even if u don't we're here to support u and let u know that even if u do fail u tried in the 1st place and that makes all the difference! If u cut urself it's not failing...it's making it one step closer to stopping! u just can't wake up one morning and say that ur not gonna cut for the rest of ur life...I wish it worked like that but it doesn't...it takes time and u always get stopped from reaching ur goal...u just keep trying! when u were learning to walk u fell down a few times...but u kept trying everyday and got up everytime u fell down...it took time but now u can walk! stopping cutting is like learning how to walk...everytime u fall down u get back up and try again! Christine

Re: been so long....
Posted by Chrystyne on Sat Jun 2 06:14:00 2001 (#7756)

If you slip.Its not failure its just a set a minor back.And the more you ramble the more I can figure out how to help.I Know its hard.I know what it was like going threw it.I'll be here for you.Sometimes you just have to get everything out.E-mail me or my Screen name is pixiequeen1212.Any one who needs some one to talk to Can writer or IM any time.Recovery is possible and I'm here to help.

good day, bad day...
Posted by ChrisE on Fri Jun 1 20:08:04 2001 (#7747)

either way, it doesn't seem to matter much. Normally when I cut it's cos my head is fucked and then I regret it next day. Not today. Wake up, lots of dried blood, lots of new scars. Don't give a fuck. Wasn't even that bothered when I was doing it, very unsatisfying. It's an odd development. I think I should care, and I think that if I did care then it should worry me. strange sensation. Mostly I'm just really, really pissed that it didn't "work". If I don't have this then I'm fucked.

Re: good day, bad day...
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 22:08:14 2001 (#7751)

ChrisE, u'll start to care...it just takes a lil while longer sometimes! I'm here if u ever need to talk! Christine

Black rose
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Jun 2 14:49:06 2001 (#7767)

Been about 8 yrs now, so I thought I'd seen it all. But as it turned out, it works again. I'm so happy.

been there done that
Posted by girl on Fri Jun 1 20:14:24 2001 (#7748)

fuck well ive been back down an old old road and now im home but im shaking and i cant do this i dont want to anymore. i was going to i really was but i backed down i cant even do anything right, oh fuck im sorry. its never really worked has it? i had someone once who said they were my guardian angel and now shes gone and i have to see her every day and know that she has seen my soul and discarded me, oh what am i worth? there is nothing worth salvaging within me, not now. i had trusted and now i just hurt and i smile oh i do it so completly convincingly and im weeping and its so pathetic that imbleeding and does she really love me as a daughter?im so low there is nothing.there is nothing.suicide is not the answer they say.i listen to other people too much. make it go away give me a glass, a pill, something to make me stay alive.am i breathing the fog is so thick.she hurt me and i know it will happen again,i cant take it again just stop STOP STOP...PLEASE.i want to sleep i want to fly .girl

Re: been there done that
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 22:13:21 2001 (#7752)

Girl, ur worth soo much...u r soo important to me! everyone here is! we are all supportive of each other! things don't always go the way u want them...sometimes they go better than u expect...u just gotta hang in there! I'll always be here for u! Christine

Re: been there done that
Posted by ali on Sun Jun 3 08:08:33 2001 (#7782)

It's really hard when someone you trusted lets you down, but hang in there, we all care, and you ARE worthwhile and a special person, please believe it.

the cat did it... may trigger
Posted by Charlie Nicole on Fri Jun 1 20:38:53 2001 (#7749)

hey im new and i just need to vent really i dont know what i want to say but i just need to say a few things im really sorry but i have to ive been cutting and burning myself for like 5 years now since i was 12 after my godfather stopped doing stuff to me. erm. well it just keeps getting worse and my mother found out a while back when i was 15 i think when it was sort of at its worse and i stopped for ages cus whenever i did it shed get real mad. she wouldnt talk to me for a week or so and then when i was goin it every day no matter how hard i tried to hide it shed find out and go absolutely mad. i never have had a great relationship with my mother cus i know i was a mistake and she never really wanted me anyway. so ive never talked to her about anything cus shes over bearing as well as everything else. one of the reasons i cut IS her but i cant tell her that cus despite the fact i hate her and she doesnt like me i think it may still hurt her she thinks ive stopped now but i havent and its all getting worse again. sounds daft i know. last night i did it again. i endured a whole night of flashbacks and nightmares. i stuck it out with a steak knife really cus the meds dont help. i survived in the sense im alive. in the other i didnt. my body is a mess. both arms and legs look rather like that picture of richey james and it hurts. i dont think she can miss it. im so scared cus last time she said if i did it again she was going to put me in hospital i dont want to go there i just dont want to live like this anymore and i cant find any other way out. im really sorry to rant ill shut up now thanks for listening im real sorry Charlie Nicole~

Re: the cat did it... may trigger
Posted by black rose on Fri Jun 1 22:19:14 2001 (#7753)

Charlie Nicole, it's good to hear from u and that u can come here and talk to us about it! u can vent e time u need to! I kinda have the same problem w/ both my parents and my family...they drive me absolutely nuts! don't worry about the hospital...I've been to 3 of them! they suck but ur not there really long a few days to a few weeks! they help u out and keep u from cutting! if u ever need to talk I'm always here! Christine

Re: the cat did it... may trigger
Posted by em on Tue Jun 5 22:59:56 2001 (#7829)

I also know just how u feel. I'm only 16 but ive been cutting for 5 years. i did stop for a while but suddenly it all came back. everything upsets me and this seems the best way out. if you ever want to talk, please drop me a message. i also have no one to talk to!

anyone here like punk rock pop punk emo...???
Posted by melissa on Fri Jun 1 23:50:16 2001 (#7754)

im like obsessed with it and i dont know anyone like me... other than in movies. has anyone ever seen S.L.C PUNK? i think its the greatest movie ever made and then theres empire records. well anyway i just had to getthat out........... bye!!!

with an x and an o im out like WHOA!!!

Re: anyone here like punk rock pop punk emo...???
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Sat Jun 2 07:12:34 2001 (#7758)

OoOo man!! Empire Records is the greatest movie of all time, i wish i was in there, and AJ is really hott, wow, ANYWAYS yes, greatest movie!

Re: anyone here like punk rock pop punk emo...???
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sat Jun 2 12:28:52 2001 (#7765)

heehee you like great films and great music! emo is cool, look on www.deepelm.com they sell some great emo stuff... love and rock n roll suicides xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: anyone here like punk rock pop punk emo...???
Posted by candy darling on Thu Jun 7 01:37:56 2001 (#7850)

slc punk is great bob is my faverite ever seen sid and nancy? thats fucking terriff!

Hi
Posted by Chrystyne on Sat Jun 2 05:53:56 2001 (#7755)

Hi I used to post here.I went away( I was hospitalized for a while and have been pretty buzy so I don't really get a chance to go on the computer.Well I just wanted to say hi and I hope you stay safe.If any of you want to talk feel free to e-mail me!I love getting mail.I'm gonna go read the posts.

Re: Hi Chrystyne
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 2 20:18:02 2001 (#7768)

Chrystyne, welcome back to the board! hope u feel better to get outta the hospital! keep posting! christine

why?
Posted by tash on Sat Jun 2 07:44:37 2001 (#7761)

Why is it that -- well, it seems to me anyway-- that SIers seem to carry so much pain... (carrying the emotional consequences of other people's actions)

While SOME people eg emotional or sexual abusers, bullies, jerks-in-general, seem to be selfish/ oblivious / callous/ think its funny/ about unloading their SHIT onto others. How is it that they lie/ manipulate / laugh / walk away (with a smug smile) / get away with it / have no conscience/ have no emotional consequences, about hurting other people? Do they get a feeling of power out of dumping their toxic waste on others? Are they another SPECIES??

While sometimes I feel like curling into a ball and dying...

(sorry, just needed to vent), tash.

Re: why?
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 2 20:33:58 2001 (#7769)

Tash, I dopn't know that answers to ur q's...they're kinda hard to answer! Vent ne time...I kinda have answers to ur q's but they're hard to explain! Christine

Re: why?
Posted by rabbit on Sun Jun 3 00:23:04 2001 (#7773)

I know how you feel. Sometimes I wonder why it seems to be the victims that get caught (humiliated, blamed, ect.) and not the abusers. I don't know, but I do think that they are a sub-class of beings. Barely human. Hang in there.

I'm so discusting!
Posted by Maggie on Sat Jun 2 12:03:34 2001 (#7764)

Yuck! I make myself feel sick... I got bored tonight... parents went out and so out came my blades.

I cut a vein... not right through it like I have before, but just enough to produce heaps of red oozing blood. And I went looking for a little jar to collect the jar in, but found nothing practical so I instead rubbed my hands in the blood and smeared it all over my face!!!

Isn't that so macabre! And then I looked in the mirror and saw my whole face was covered in blood... it was quite cool actually. Looked like face paint but dried quickly. Wow... maybe it has good moisurising effects???

Washed it off already. Could be a good halloween costume.

Sick and discusting, Maggie.

Re: I'm so discusting!
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Jun 2 14:46:47 2001 (#7766)

If that's disgusting, I must be sicker than I thought. It's just that blood's great. It works on so many levels. The sight, the feel, the smell, the taste. The way it clings to me. The sensation as drips form and fall. I could play for hours.

I'm sorry if that seems to trivialise. It's just that it's not all bad for me. It's my obsession. Pure life.

Re: I'm so discusting!
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 3 00:19:28 2001 (#7772)

Maggie, ur not discusting! I've done that b4...not all over my face but all over my body...just looking at my blood every where gave me an unbelievably sense of comfort! it makes u feel sick afterwards but relieved for the time being! it's not that bad...just don't make it a ruteen(I can't spell) thing! ur just fine...it's not that unusual...I hope u feel better now! Christine

Re: I'm so discusting!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun Jun 3 01:43:56 2001 (#7777)

Relax, we all know how it feels to be coverd in blood and all that, been there done that, had the whole neeling in a puddle of my own blood thing.

Drew:)

Re: I'm so discusting!
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 3 23:04:14 2001 (#7789)

blood is a wierd thing. sometimes i let the sink fill up with mine and then use q-tips to write stories with my blood. my therapist asks why i would never let anyone read my journal...cause some of the entries are written in my own stinkin blood. yuck.

ps
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 3 23:08:39 2001 (#7790)

go back up and read colin's "blood bath"

yeah

am i the only one who pukes at the smell of blood? i hate hate hate hate it. i hate when you cant get rid of the smell. when it follows you around...oh man. yuck

I really need to talk to someone...
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jun 2 23:58:53 2001 (#7770)

I started cutting when I was 13 and then I stopped when I was 15, now I am 17 and i started cutting again this week, and I dont know why. I stopped before because I cut myself really bad. Now i think it's worse because I'm cutting more often and it's getting deeper, like I said, I don't know why. Everything is going just fanastic right now for me. It might be because my best friend's mom died last month and I didn't cry for her, I just kept living my life and stuff. There's alot going on, but I just ignor it all and cut myself. and scratch myself (on my wrists) constantly in public. I don't know what to do, I can't think anymore because of all this. I'm not sure I can finish these last few weeks of school because I started cutting. I really need to talk to someone. I can't believe this started this week either. It's so frustrating. I just want to go away. when I was cutting before, and my mom found out, she didn't really do anything. just sent me to a counsellor. and I hate counsellors, they ask you to promise not to cut yourself and you say you wont, but you do it anyways, and lie.. and they believe you. so you just keep lying and the counsellor tells you that you're getting better, but deep down, you don't feel any better. I really need someone to talk to. I haven't posted here before. Email me if you can help me out.... thanks.

Re: I really need to talk to someone...
Posted by rabbit on Sun Jun 3 00:27:09 2001 (#7775)

hi and welcome. I'm sorry you started to cut again, but at least you can talk about it here. I wpuld say to do whatever you can to finish the school year. It's only 2 weeks. I know that may seem like a lifetime, but try, it will help things in the end, trust me. I don't have any real advice, I mean, what do I know? But we are hear to listen. hang in there.

Dawn
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 3 00:29:18 2001 (#7776)

Dawn, no one really knows y they start to cut...but they do it cuz it feels good and releases u from everything that's going on around u! the coucilor thing I can relate to cuz I do the same w/mine...but not all the time...I wish they could just know what it feels like to b 1 of us becuz it's not easy! well ne time u need someone to talk to I'm always here! Christine

Re: Dawn
Posted by Sharon on Sun Jun 3 02:12:07 2001 (#7778)

Hey, I'm so sorry that you started cutting again. Maybe it is belated mourning for your best friend's mom, sometimes you're just numb and then you release it all of a sudden. Well, I'm here for you to talk to or e-mail if you ever need me.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: Dawn
Posted by Judi on Sun Jun 3 05:26:36 2001 (#7781)

I don't have a clue what you are going through but it sounds like you need a friend! My sister told me about this website and asked that I just look at it, she said she knew I would not be able to keep from posting here and she was right. I am so sorry that you are going through this and obviously going through it alone. I have never known any one who cut themselves. I can't even stand the thoughts of barely cutting myself. I truly do not understand but I will listen if you need someone to listen. I didn't understand anorexia either but we were able to get my daughter through that. I would love to help in any way I could.

My Sister!
Posted by Linda on Sun Jun 3 14:54:32 2001 (#7783)

Just wanted to let you all know that I am proud to say that Judi is my sister!!! She is 12 years younger than I am so her viewpoint may be a little fresher than mine. She also has some different experiences in her life that may help her to understand your pain. She is a Christian too. She is a very caring person and I recommend her to anyone who would need a friend. Thanks, kiddo....I knew you couldn't read and not post!!!!

Re: My Sister!
Posted by Judi on Sun Jun 3 21:19:31 2001 (#7784)

Thought you had to clean your kitchen...now I know why you dumped me from the net last night..checking up on me HUH!!! LOL LOL I love you girl and guess you were right...guess we have a little of mom and dad in us!!! Talk to you later!

Re: My Sister!
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 3 23:16:48 2001 (#7791)

oh my, hi Judi. i am a friend of linda's! i knew u had to be related to her. u guys sound a lot alike. and Linda, i havent heard from u in so long. lots going on, i'll write u soon.

Re: My Sister!
Posted by Judi on Mon Jun 4 13:15:00 2001 (#7804)

It is nice to meet you Elle, didn't know we sounded so much alike...she (Linda) normally preaches much more than I do LOL LOL, but she comes by it honestly, so does our mother and daddy. I guess our mother had to learn to preach at home for fear the five of us weren't listening to daddy at church. Anyway like Linda I guess I am a fixer, we tend to think we can save the world...even though in our hearts we know we can only do what God allows, and who knows?, God has allowed GREAT things to be done before, why not today?

Re: Dawn
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jun 4 00:36:31 2001 (#7792)

Thanks so much everyone. Since yesterday I have cut myself 3 times and buned myself twice. I can't stop it. I also write poetry and read alot. I write for my school paper. I never liked school much, until this year. I dropped out when I was 15 and have been stuggling ever since. I was suppose to be graduating with my childhood friends this year. I went back to school in November and I managed to finish grade 10. Now I only have a few things to do and I am going to summer school so that I will only have 4 core subject courses to finish when I go back in the fall.

As I was saying before, my best friend's mom died last month, April, she had Hepatitus B. She was so cool, she was an alcoholic, but she really lived life to the fullest. Everyone knew she was going to die, but no one but me, my friend and my friend's sister believed it. My mom and dad didn't believe it. I hated that they didn't believe it.

I guess I have a problem with my parents. They aren't like normal parents. Normal parents stick by their kids whether their kids like ti or not. Mine don't. Whenever something is wrong with me, like when I was cutting before, instead of getting closer, they pull away. Everyone in my family does that. I don't. I never did. I don't really have anyone to talk to at all. My best friend doesn't really listen. She had a baby in January and I am the Godmother. I guess that's what I'm kind of sad about. Alot of things about guys and love too.... but I don't feel like talking about that yet.

Re: Dawn
Posted by Judi on Mon Jun 4 13:06:21 2001 (#7803)

It sounds like Tara's mom is a very intelligent lady and one who could help you if you will talk to her. Please understand that your parents may not be the greatest parents in the world but those are the parents God gave you. Try not to judge them because they may be feeling confusion and scared just like you. When my daughter was going through the anorexia I would walk out to the creek behind my house and stay for hours and cry and cry because I just didn't know how to help her. Believe me it isn't easy being a parent just like it isn't easy being the child. I am so sorry your friends mother passed away wish I could say something to stop that hurt. Please tell me more about yourself...if you would rather not post information about yourself I would understand, feel free to e-mail me. I work during the day but most evenings and early in the morning I try to check messages. Would love to hear from you.

Re: Dawn
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jun 4 00:36:56 2001 (#7793)

I guess I have a problem with my parents. They aren't like normal parents. Normal parents stick by their kids whether their kids like ti or not. Mine don't. Whenever something is wrong with me, like when I was cutting before, instead of getting closer, they pull away. Everyone in my family does that. I don't. I never did. I don't really have anyone to talk to at all. I guess that's what I'm kind of sad about. My best friend doesn't really listen. She had a baby in January and I am the Godmother. Alot of things about guys and love too.... but I don't feel like talking about that yet.

Re: Dawn
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jun 4 03:47:33 2001 (#7801)

Dawn, Hi,if you feel the need to talk to someone about a parent's point of view, e-mail me. I'm a mom who has is and is still going through the cutting with my daughter. I'm so proud of her. She hasn't cut for almost 6 months now, but there was a timelast year we had a lot of problems. It took time and a lot of understanding on the part of her dad and I, but she is so much better now. SI'ing is something a lot of parents just do not under stand. We've never had to do deal with anything that painful with our kids, so a lot of times we choose to ignore it, hoping it will go away. Of course, it doesn't. Some of the parents I've talked to just can't see how hurting yourselves makes you feel better. I still don't really understand it either, but I try to read everything I can and just be there for my daughter. Ranting and raving about something never solves anything, so I don't. I just listen. That helps more than anything. When she would cut and then show me, I would help her clean the cuts and bandage them. I've never judged her cause I know she was and still is in a lot of pain for her to do that to herself. But most parents are just not comfortable talking about somethin like this. Is there any other adult you feel you can trust enough to talk to about this? Also a good therapist will help you but you may have to go to several different ones before you find one that will really listen and understand. Just don't keep everything inside. Post here, talk to someone who cares or you can e-mail me if you want to. There are all kinds of people on this board who will listen to you and will truly understand what you are going through. Just keep talking to someone. Love, Tara's Mom

i'm back
Posted by rabbit on Sun Jun 3 00:16:34 2001 (#7771)

I've had some puter problems, so I haven't been around. I'm back. I just finished cutting. a lot. I don't know why, I just couldn't help it. My whole arm is just covered with fresh cuts, because I ran out of room on my legs. I hate it when that happens. I feel so good when I cut, but then I feel like such a loser later on. (no offense to anyone) anyway, that's how I am. blah!

Re: i'm back
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 3 00:23:36 2001 (#7774)

welcome back! I hate when I run out of room too and I feel so bad afterwards..it happens though and u can't stop it! I hope ur feeling better now and that u can stop cutting...it'll make u feel so much better cuz ur not a loser...no one here is! I'm here for u ne time u ned o talk! Christine

the female race is a disgrace...
Posted by neveah on Sun Jun 3 22:19:13 2001 (#7785)

uggh, i just can't believe how moronic girls can be sometimes. i mean we just to things that make me ashamed to me a chick. y can' girld be more like guys? (well, that'd just be weird) but i mean, guys can literally get into a fist fight and the next day, be like, "hey dawg, we cool now, right?" and they're friends, they just got it out of thier system like that!! i wish i could say the same about grudge-holding girls. (and yes, i do that too, i don't wanna sound like a hypocrite) like this little bitch i know that keeps comin after me because i don't wear long sleeves now that my scars are getting better. and she thinks it's her business, she thinks i do it all for attention. too bad she doesn't have the time to experience, because i'm sure she would have a diferent outlook. i have to go to her stoopid church on sundays and she waltzed in this morning and plopped herself down right next to me, and mumbled to her sister that i wasn't wearing a long jacket or something along those lines, but i shugged it off, and said, "i can handle this" but by the end of the service i swear there was a puddle of sweat at my feet. she kept looking over at my arms during prayer, and then she would just stare at me until i loked at her then, she would grunt, and look at my arms, uh, it was nerve wrecking!! so i finally got up and left, but there was nothing to burn myself on so i just started to shake, man i hate it when i lose it like that but what else is there to do right?

Re: the female race is a disgrace...
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 3 22:53:10 2001 (#7786)

Neveah,

Oops!!!
Posted by blackrose on Sun Jun 3 22:54:40 2001 (#7787)

I didn't mean to not say ne thing my computer froze when I went to go type and it accidentally posted! sry! Christine

Re: the female race is a disgrace...
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 3 22:59:12 2001 (#7788)

Neveah, it is kinda disgusting how we can sometimes hold grudges that last 4ever and guys get right over it! it's also never wrecking when u have to put up w/someone like that that wont leave u alone cuz u wear short sleeves! it sux...I'm happy that there wasn't ne thing there for u to burn urself...and I'm sry that evrything went like that! if I were u I wouldn't b able to take it ne more and just punch her in the face...uz what she's doing is not right at all! I hope ur feeling better now! Christine

Re: the female race is a disgrace...
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jun 4 02:49:13 2001 (#7795)

Neveah, I'm so sorry that happened to you. She doesn't have a right to judge you and I hate it when these people who analyze us and try to "help" end up hurting us more. Like Christine, I'm glad that you didn't have anything you could use to burn with, but it still sucks that she did that to you.

BIG hugs,

Sharon

fuck up of a lifetime!!!
Posted by melissa on Mon Jun 4 02:37:32 2001 (#7794)

i know i love him. im so alone since he moved and the long distance is just taking a major tole on me. since he left ive done so many fucked up things... im suprised he's still with me. we have this thing, we tell e/o EVERYTHING!!! but i think i have to break that because ive just topped all the mistakes ive ever made. i cheated on him and with my best friend's brother. i told him (steven) that i love my boyfriend (marcus). and that what we did was a mistake. i was soooo drunk i know thats not an excuse but its the truth. now i am so sick with a hangoer and this fuck up is eating me alive... i will never drink again i promise myself that. i love marcus i want him to coem back... its so hard to be alone. well i wanted to ask, will he still love me if he ever found out???

melissa

Re: fuck up of a lifetime!!!
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 4 03:31:41 2001 (#7798)

Melissa, u have to tell ur b/f sometime...he needs to know and I think u know that! u gotta b honest w/him and make sure it doesn't happen again! Christine

Re: fuck up of a lifetime!!!
Posted by melissa on Mon Jun 4 06:45:03 2001 (#7802)

he'll leave me. not if i leave first.....

Re: fuck up of a lifetime!!!
Posted by ali on Wed Jun 6 04:28:52 2001 (#7834)

sounds like a genuine mistake... whatever happens, if you decide to tell him or not, I think you need to forgive yourself, coz we all make mistakes, especially when we're not feeling too good.

sleeves
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jun 4 02:53:56 2001 (#7796)

I have a problem and need some advice from you guys. I joined the cross country team and we do summer running. I have a few scars on my arms that haven't really faded yet and yesterday I cut up really deep, so there's still a really noticeable scab. Since I'm running, I wear short sleeved tees and I'm praying that no one will notice tomorrow. But if they do . . . what should I tell them? Is there anything you can do to make cuts heal faster? Please help!

hugs,

Sharon

Re: sleeves
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 4 03:36:11 2001 (#7799)

Sharon, they sell creams that u can put on scars to reduce their appearances! try um out! for the mean time do what I do...buy a shirt for sports that has long sleeves and goes right under ne t-shirt...they work perfectly and don't make u too hot at all! that's all I can think of right now sry! Christine

Re: sleeves
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Jun 4 18:10:21 2001 (#7805)

Well, I wouldn't really recomend it but what I personaly do when someone comments on my scares is I lift up my scar filled arm and say

"Would you like theese all over your face?... Then shut the fuck up and mind your own buisness."

Personally though I can be kind of a jerk when annoying people never leave me alone though, and I am a guy so who knows, that might have something to do with it.

It really does work though, never have I had the same person ask twice about it.

Drew:)

Re: sleeves
Posted by katie on Mon Jun 4 18:33:51 2001 (#7808)

i would get vitimane E pills and use those directly on your cuts just poke a hole in them and then use the liquid on the cut i hope that helps

~katie

Re: sleeves
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 4 22:29:46 2001 (#7812)

Whenever people i don't know ask me, i just say nothing in particular and make it very clear that the subject is closed. most people are smart enough though to realize and usually don't say anything.

Re: sleeves
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jun 4 23:20:38 2001 (#7819)

thanks guys.

hugs,

Sharon

b*bye!!!
Posted by black rose on Mon Jun 4 03:38:38 2001 (#7800)

hey everyone, I'm leaving early 2morrow morning so I wont miss my flight! I'll miss u guys to death! don't do ne thing w/o me there please!!! I love u guys! I'll talk to ya'll in a week! b*bye 4 now! Christine

Re: b*bye!!!
Posted by Drew on Mon Jun 4 18:16:53 2001 (#7806)

laters :)

Re: b*bye!!!
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 4 22:30:45 2001 (#7813)

sorry i missed ya.

trying to stop
Posted by katie on Mon Jun 4 18:29:35 2001 (#7807)

hello all, its been a whole 24hrs. i haven't done anything to hurt myself and it is really fucking hard but i'm trying and i'll be ok i hope all else fails i can come back here and none of you will put me down to every one have a wonderful day you are all great people

~katie

Re: trying to stop
Posted by ChrisE on Mon Jun 4 20:28:59 2001 (#7809)

Hey katie, it's hard, but so's anything in life that's worth anything. So be strong. Good luck, hugs, chris.

Re: trying to stop
Posted by Tara on Mon Jun 4 21:04:35 2001 (#7810)

Katie,

i know that it is really hard not to hurt yourself,but i think that i might have some alternatives for you to try if you have not tried them already.take a couple pieces of ice in your hand and squeeze as hard as you can.it helped me some.also put a rubber band around your wrist and whenever you feel the need to hurt yourself,pop the rubber band.i hope that these tips are of some help tp you.also i have a quit a horrior story of my own.but i have to go.i will be back later today.e-mail me if you need to talk.i know what you are going though and i think that i could help you if you would let me.BYE

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: trying to stop
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 4 22:33:37 2001 (#7814)

i have now gone eight days. i almost went and bought razor blades today though. but i forgot my wallet. thankfully. sometimes i start to shake and tremble and it is really hard. but i'm trying.take care

Re: trying to stop
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jun 4 23:25:25 2001 (#7820)

Katie, I'm so proud of you for trying to stop. It's hard at first, try some of Tara's suggestions. Remember that if you ever trip up, we're here for you and will never judge you. I should know, with the number of times I've been in and outta here! The best of luck to you!

BIG hugs,

Sharon

Bruising.....
Posted by *me* on Mon Jun 4 22:26:19 2001 (#7811)

Hey all! I haven't posted in a while! So...I have a question. I have this huuuge bruise on my lower arm. I don't know what I was thinking I just kept on hitting and banging it and now there is this really really big bruise. I mean, it's huge. I've never had one this big before. And it's on my lower arm, which is going to pose problems shortly because of the weather and stuff. Is there any way to get bruises to go away faster??? Thanks.

lots of love

Re: Bruising.....
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 4 22:36:39 2001 (#7815)

i don't know how to make them go away faster. sry. but i get bruises all the time that i think i do unconsiously b/c i can never remember how they happen. take care though. love julie

Re: Bruising.....
Posted by ChrisE on Mon Jun 4 22:48:07 2001 (#7817)

Hi, try massaging it quite firmly: it should increase the local blood circulation and speed up the healing process. In theory at least... take care xx

Re: Bruising.....
Posted by katie on Tue Jun 5 14:47:09 2001 (#7823)

i would use ice, this will help constrict the blood vessales in your are and help the bruise heal faster. i wouldn't try rubbing it b/c this will cause more blood to be pushed out of the broken blood vessales that caused the bruise. all else faills say you triped and caught your arm on something. good luck and hope you're ok!

~katie

Re: Bruising.....
Posted by elle on Tue Jun 5 16:47:06 2001 (#7825)

ICE: 10 min every hour

Re: Bruising.....
Posted by ali on Wed Jun 6 02:46:06 2001 (#7833)

arnica (a type of herb) cream is good for bruising

rUnNiNg
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 4 22:42:06 2001 (#7816)

This weekend i was on a 63.5km walk/run. That is 40 miles. a long long long ways. anyhow i trained a lot for it and had fun. (came in 203 out of 1,100) and i am not a marathon runner. anyways the bad thing is that my scars turned blackish purple on my legs and they won't go away. i am so freaked out they look really really gross. it must be from the blood pooling in my legs. does anyone know???????? or had it happen??????? i'm really worried they will stay like that for summer.

Re: rUnNiNg
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jun 4 23:30:11 2001 (#7821)

WOW, as a track and cross country runner, I really admire you for running 40 miles!!!! and coming in 203, congratulations! That takes a lot of guts and willpower! I've had that problem with my scars before, it usually goes away after awhile. I've never run that much at once so I really don't know. Try ice and hot showers, that's the remedy my coaches suggest for everything under the sun! Good luck.

hugs,

Sharon

elle
Posted by Jue on Mon Jun 4 22:50:08 2001 (#7818)

are you okay? e-mail me if you want. take care, julie

Re: elle
Posted by *me* on Tue Jun 5 01:29:07 2001 (#7822)

Yah Elle, haven't heard from you in a while...be well!

Lots of love

jumpy
Posted by katie on Tue Jun 5 15:39:01 2001 (#7824)

hello all so its been a whole couple of days(2)actually and i'm feeeling very jumpy i have all this crap, going on and i just can't get past the urge to cut i haven't yet but its so very hard hope everyone is well and thanks for the encouraging words from my last post

~katie

Re: jumpy
Posted by Tara on Tue Jun 5 23:23:24 2001 (#7830)

Katie,

i was very jumpy to. i still am.i have been a cutter for almost 4 years now.i started when i was 14.i am now almost 18.i know how hard it is to resist your own urge to cut,but you have to hang in there.it will get easier as time goes on.i promies you that.it will take time though,but i know that you have the stranghth to beat it.i thought that i would never get better.i have over 87 cuts and burns on my arms and legs.then one day i had a break down and i knew that i was not going to let this run my life.you can never give up.you have all of us here on this board here for you to talk to.we won't give up on you.just don't give up on yourself.OK.i have to go for now.but e-mail me if you need to talk or if you need anything at all.i don't care what it is.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

OH CRAP! it's only been how long?
Posted by Drew on Tue Jun 5 18:27:13 2001 (#7827)

TWO AND A HALF WEEKS! OH CRAP! it feels like 2 1/2 months... errrrr. So any-who I haven't cut for two and a half weeks and I'm still feeling exactly like I was before, only this time something happend that I'm not really sure on how to react and it's got me a might confused.

So I get this call from a good friend of mine and for some reason he brings up an old ex of mine, whatever but he keeps talking about her asking about her description, where abouts she lived and finally her last name. SO I'm kinda curious about all this and it turns out she went missing 2 days ago and yesterday a body was found at the Key (just some place on the river). They haven't realsed any details to it but I know it's her.

But Any-who2, I'm not really sure what I should be feeling right now. I mean I have all this crap going on in my life and now I get this news, what am I supposed to feel? we were never that close but I did go out with her and now she's dead. That's just really weirding me out I'm not going to cut over it, I don't even know if I should care.

............ well it's got me pre-ocupied right now but I'm just shoked that someone I dated is dead, don't get me wrong I felt like strangling her at times but this isn't cool at all.

But for the first time in my life I feel compleatly blank right now. I guess I just never really expected to get a casual phone call and this pop up.

well.... laters I guess.

??? thecutthatneverheals :| ???

Re: OH CRAP! it's only been how long?
Posted by katie on Tue Jun 5 19:59:33 2001 (#7828)

first off sorry about your friend thats tough. i understand the numb feeling or that feeeling of nothingness. i also know how such a short time of not cutting can seem like forever. it's been like two days for me and it seems like forever. its great that you've gone so long, i hope that i have the strernght to go that long. well i hope that you are ok and if you needed someone feel free to e-mail me.

~katie

Re: OH CRAP! it's only been how long?
Posted by Rabbit on Wed Jun 6 06:21:54 2001 (#7835)

I am so sorry, and I hate to say it, but I know how you feel. About two years ago the same thing happened to me. I found out that an ex lover had been killed. I know it sucks, but eventually the shock and mixed emotions wear off and it does get better. (I know that sounds trite, but it's true.) Congrats on not cutting, I know it's hard. Keep up the good restraint. Try to keep things in perspective, and don't do anything rash until you have had time to process.

i cant seem to hide it
Posted by em on Tue Jun 5 23:40:07 2001 (#7831)

Hia everyone. My names emma.Im only 16 but ive been 'cutting' for 5 years. when i first discovered SI i didnt even knoe it had a name and i used to just scratch away at my skin until my hands would bleed and become unbearably painful. even so by the next morning both hands would be covered in a large sore scab(pretty discusting) gradually this habbit worsened and i took to scratching away the layers of skin with anything sharp and at any place or time. i remember once doing it in the middle of a music class with the sharp end of an opened paper clip ! yet again i discovered better ways. this encluded drawing pins. these i found, with one quick slash across the skin would draw blood. this was much quicker and more effective.i also found that the site of the blood running across the skin gave some sort of satisfaction and almost a rush of excitment. having discovered the perks to the game i moved up to blades. these i obtained by dismantleing a razor a using the blade to wip across the skin. this was better than all three put together. painless, quick, easy and the amount of blood it produced was amazing . also seeing the scars the next day brought a graet feeling: staisfaction. unfortunatly when i returned to sanity the scars were horific. they covered me from head to toe. and i knew very well that these were not going to dissapear in a matter of weeks. as time hass progressed, they have become harder to keep away. people wonder why in the blistering heat am i wearing long sleeves and trousers even though i apear to be hot. and why i never show my arms or leg or infact any skin. although i do put the creams and take the vitamins the scars do not fade as i have cut over the same area so many times. i think the the tissue is so badly damaged i may never have clear skin again. i really want to be happy and normal, but i cant seem to grasp it. ive also tryed prozac and anti depressants- they do not work . cant anyone help me ?

Re: i cant seem to hide it
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jun 6 01:20:12 2001 (#7832)

Hi Emma, That is such a pretty name. My grandma and my niece have that name so it's special to me. Have you told your parents? How do you think they would take it? Be warned, some do not take it well at all. IF you think that may be the case with yours, maybe there is someone else you can talk to. I freaked out when Tara, my daughter, finally told me what she was doing. I physically hurt for her and cried a lot with her and without her. She is finally coming back to her old self, but she has been through a lot in her life. She has a really good therapist and is on medication for depression and A.D.D. I listen to her talk and try to help her when she is feeling depressed. It would really help if you could find someone who would listen to you without judging you. Lots of people do that. I also seen some products in Wal-Mart that claims to help reduce the apperance of scars. Can't remember the names, but one of them is a cream that starts with a "M" and the other is like a bandage or patch. I think they are made by "Curad" bandades. You might check into that. Emma, if you have no one to talk to, keep posting on this board. There are all kinds of wonderful people that are going through the same things you are and they listen and support each other like you wouldn't believe. E-mail me if you want to. I'm 40 years old but Tara tells me I've become a good listener and I can also give you a view of what it is like for a parent to have to deal with their kid's pain. Some times it's not pretty. Any way, stay safe and find someone to talk to. I promise it will help. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: i cant seem to hide it
Posted by Sharon on Wed Jun 6 19:16:59 2001 (#7841)

Emma, I completely understand what you mean by getting satisfaction out of your own blood. I've been a cutter for about 2 years now and like you, it escalated. About the scars . . . keep trying the creams and vitamins. They should help. I don't know, to me, the scars are reminders that I lost control, sometimes I'm proud of them and sometimes I'm extremely ashamed. I have to hide them too and it's a pain in the butt. Sometimes I just want to get into a sleeveless shirt and tell everyone I cut so that I don't have to hide anymore. well, I'm rambling . . . keep coming here if you don't have anyone to confide in. We're here for you and you won't be judged or pushed away, no matter how many scars you have.

hugs,

Sharon

thanks ! does anyone else suffer from SP ?
Posted by em on Wed Jun 6 22:46:05 2001 (#7845)

Thanks for replying to me message.it meant a great deal to know that others feel the same way i do. to taras mum- my mum does know but im not at all close and the idea of talking to her makes me laugh. i have never told her anything.its almost imbarassing knowing that she knows. another probleb being that i suffer from socil phobia. this is a mental condition that sort of makes you incabable of sharing you thoughts , problems and feelings with people. this has prevented me from completing my gcse english oral, french oral and music practical as the mere idea of performing reduces me to tears. any way thankyou very very much for your previous message. i am going to keep posting messages as its nice to know your not alone ! if you have any further ideas keep me posted!

talking 'bout scars....
Posted by ali on Wed Jun 6 09:53:20 2001 (#7836)

I also have what seems to be permanent tissue damage. hate it. feel ugly. blah -ugh - aaaaaaaaarfgh -ddfkjhdsjdfh !!

how does one live with the scars??!! I hate knowing I did them to myself.

help, advice please
Posted by ChrisE on Wed Jun 6 11:07:09 2001 (#7837)

I fucked up. I've been bleeding all night and it won't stop no matter what I do. It's not even big, more like a puncture than a cut. Didn't even notice it amongst the rest until I woke this morning, then it was kinda hard to miss... What should I do? I'm absolutely not going to casualty to be treated like a freak again.

Re: help, advice please
Posted by Sharon on Wed Jun 6 19:19:49 2001 (#7842)

Chris, sorry that happened. Do you have any close friends that know about the SI? It could help to talk to them if they aren't freaked out about it. Not everyone understands. Well, at any rate, we're here for you.

hugs,

Sharon

it's time to get myself some therapy...question
Posted by sweetie heart on Wed Jun 6 14:37:45 2001 (#7838)

Hey peeps, I’ve finally got around to making a doctors appointment to try and save me when there’s still time… i'm going tomorrow, i was wondering if anyone could give me any kinda guidance/experiences/what to say/what not to say? this has taken years and i'm very scared. i'd appreciate anything anyone can think of. thanks you're hunnies xxxxxxx

Re: it's time to get myself some therapy...questio
Posted by elle on Wed Jun 6 16:52:48 2001 (#7839)

just say the truth. if you have a good doctor you should be able to say anything you think and s/he will help you sort it out. just put all your emotions and experiences out there and let your therapist help you sort it out. i know how daunting it sounds and you may not be happy with your first therapist, sometimes it takes a few tries to find one who can help. and most importantly, remeber you do not have to like your therapist as a friend or person, you just have to believe that they can help you. And they can if you are honest and just throw everything out on the floor. remeber, they have been trained to help you see things in new ways and it will help you figure out things you didnt even know were confused! good luck.

scars...
Posted by katie on Wed Jun 6 20:02:38 2001 (#7843)

I'm 15 and have been cutting, burnig, braking bones ect. sence I was 12 my dad's fucked my mom is in a wheel chair and just bichis at me to stop everv time she sees a briuse. cut, burn or any thing else I am not in school and have been in phyc. wards 2 times been in foster care and arrested for si she wont let me go to seattle for treatment because she is to selfish to let me leave the house! ive atemted suiside 3 times going on 4 any segetions???

Re: scars...
Posted by candydarling on Thu Jun 7 00:07:19 2001 (#7849)

dont worry the same kinda shit is happening to me and im only 13.it is really hard when your mom is being a bitch mine was such a bitch that i moved out. and now i dont know what to do. im not in school either probably not for the same reasons as you, though. you probably need to know if you want to stop or not. once you know, just try and find something else to do when your angry, or if you dont want to, then do what makes you happy. best wishes.

Re: scars...
Posted by Tara on Thu Jun 7 02:54:43 2001 (#7851)

Katie,

hey girl.how have you been.sounds like it has been rough for you.i have been where you are.i have been put in not exactually a phchy ward,but a place that i had no rights i was watched all the time and i hated it.i almost hit several of the staff because they told me that certian things were not part of my treatment and it sure as hell was.i was so close to severlly about to hurt some one if they did not leave me the hell alone.the reason that i went there was i told my mom that i was going to kill myself and that she was going to find me in a puddle of blood on the floor.i was put in leather restrans and put in that hell hole for 4 days and 3 nights.i got off lucky.all that i can say is that it helped me toward me getting better.i have wanted to end it all so many times.just put the knife to my throat and let the blood flow from my body.then i came here and realized that there are people that care about me.we all care about you here.just calm down and Katie, PLEASE E-MAIL ME.i am here to talk.i have to go for now.please talk to me and let me know what is going on girl.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

its getting worse....
Posted by ashley on Wed Jun 6 21:25:12 2001 (#7844)

i fucked up, after all the promises and confiscated razors,im still carving and cutting and tearing and burning. jesus, you would think that after all ive lost over this i would want to stop, right? im a coward, a bloody fucking coward. im running out of excuses, and its not right. i wish i still had someone to sit right beside me with an i dentical razor and make lovely red gashes just like mine, all the while telling me that i need to stop, its madness. i miss her, i truly do.i have nothing, not even my cigarettes to enjoy. im sick of them telling me how beautiful i could be if i didnt do that to myself, and im sick of stupid-ass ther-rapists asking me if i even like it. "fuck you, i love it" and i am sick to death of being surrounded by perfection, i hate her. i am not like her, and yet they expect me to be just as perfect, even though she has never had any reason to not be perfect. i used to be the funny one, now look at me . im disgusting. somebody please tell me they feel like this?

Re: its getting worse....
Posted by ChrisE on Wed Jun 6 22:48:31 2001 (#7846)

Ashley, you can't help how you feel. I have a love hate relationship with blades too. You're not alone, truly. You're not disgusting either. A lot of people don't understand, a lot of people judge, but they don't know shit.

Hugs,

chris.

Re: its getting worse....
Posted by em on Wed Jun 6 22:51:43 2001 (#7847)

dont worrie ! i feel just like you. im so sick of people telling me i could do so much if i stopped and listened. and the way people are always asking what those funny marks are. i wish i could tell them so they'd fuck of and leave me alone.i cant seem to stop either even though i dont really have a reason. what are you going to do?

Re: its getting worse....
Posted by ashley on Wed Jun 6 23:42:13 2001 (#7848)

exactly, they never stop with the questions, sometimes i can still hear them... "what are those.....are you suicidal... why....." stupid questions that never seem to end. i do fell a little better now, though .

Re: its getting worse....
Posted by Drew on Thu Jun 7 18:37:24 2001 (#7855)

ok, I'm going to let you guys in on something, apperantly I'm the only one on this bord that doesn't worry too much about scars, and theres a reason for that.

IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER! who gives a rat's ass what some loser in your school thinks. I've been struggling to be cut free now for going on three weeks. Yes it's so increadably hard, but if (and when) I fail ther's a lot less prussure on me because I don't worry about hidding my scars. I'm on my way to school now in a sleavless shirt and my arms are coverd in scars. People stay the hell away from people like me and belive me, it makes my life a lot easyer.

Some people are really nice about it and ask me and I honestly tell them and that's it, over with. For the people that snidly ask "are you suicidal?" well...... it really depends on the mood I'm in when I answer that. sometimes it's a simple "no man" and othertimes it's "Yea I am, and I'm thinking of takeing you with me."

Yeah I know I can be a jerk, but I just have no payshunts (errr I can't spell) for all the idealistic perfict people (Jackasses) in my school. Ther's just to many of them to be be nice and to care.

thecutthatneverheals :)

Re: its getting worse....
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Thu Jun 7 18:24:34 2001 (#7854)

Fuck man, welcome to every day of my life.

Drew.

Re: its getting worse....
Posted by Jue on Thu Jun 7 23:28:05 2001 (#7857)

scars, sometimes i couldn't care less about them. something i think is fun is to go out into public with bare arms and make it as a defiance that i am not a part of society and i hate society.it is my act of rebellion. people are too shallow and pathetic, we can't waste our time trying to be someone stupid we really don't even want to be. i also like to put on the mask that everything is fine. i am your "perfect" little girl with everything going for her, and then i come out in shortsleeves and watch the looks of disgust while inwardly laughing.

sorry if this is weird. that is my thoughts. but i am trying to stop and so far have gone 13 days. like Drew said it is hard, pretty much the hardest thing i have ever done.

take care. julie

Re: its getting worse....
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jun 8 00:07:34 2001 (#7861)

Sometimes I wanna wear a sign saying "Guess what people, I'm a screwed up self injurer!" Then I realize that my scars are my sign. I don't think I've found many ppl who can understand without being self injurers themselves. It's fun freaking ppl out, but not fun if they know about "it" and want to analyze my latest screwup. Well that's it for me.

hugs,

Sharon

New to this site.....
Posted by Lisa B. on Thu Jun 7 05:51:55 2001 (#7852)

I just came upon this site after a long day of arguing with my family about my self-injury. I have PTSD, am bipolar, and was molested by a school teacher at age 11. I have been SI for 13 years. I am 33 now. Last night I was angry for many unrelated reasons, and self-injured for the first time in 4 months. I took about 8 Adovan, drove around for a while and cried, then bought a bottle of beer- not drink- I bought it to use the glass. I stopped in a parking lot and broke the bottle, then used the top portion to cut my arms and wrists. I ended up back home with several very severe cuts. My fiance' (who has been through this many times with me) convinced me to go to the ER. I usually don't want to go because I'm afraid they will admit to the Psych. floor (by law they have to admit a "suicide attempt" for at least 3 days). This wasn't a suicide attempt- just anger. Anyway, we told them that I fell off a stepladder while hanging custains, and fell through a picture window. The doctors didn't question us, and gave me 26 staples (some of the cuts were VERY large) and 39 stitches in various places on both arms. This is frustrating, and tiring. I wish I could stop this. I's getting too old of a habit. I looked on the web for a support group in my area. Not only wasn't there one in my area, there wasn't even one in my STATE! (Ohio) So now I suppose I will look for yet ANOTHER therapist who will tell me to draw, or write in a journal or some worthless crap like those suggestions whenever I get upset. Sooo tired of this....

Re: New to this site..... WELCOME!!!
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jun 7 15:35:25 2001 (#7853)

Lisa, I am 28 and I have been SI'ing since I was 14 also. Welcome, I use to post here quite often and only come now again. I can completely relate to you. I thought I was getting too old for this too, but I dont think people ever get too old to have problems. I am seeing a therapist. He has never told me to quit cutting and I think I may start finding new ways to cope. I really hope you return or maybe you can e-mail me. We can talk offline. I hope I can help you not feel so ALONE. Because I was once there. You will meet great people here.. Take care. Nuni

Re: New to this site..... WELCOME!!!
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jun 8 00:10:58 2001 (#7862)

Lisa - Hi and welcome to this site. This is where you can vent your anger and not have ppl analyzing and judging you. Feel free to write whatever you want and post it. We're all here for you.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: New to this site.....
Posted by Tara on Fri Jun 8 00:55:54 2001 (#7876)

Lisa,

hi i am Tara.i have been cutting since i was 14 to.i am just about to turn 18 to.so i have not been doing it as long as you.i started because i was raped when i was 14 and i held it in for 4 months and when i finally told my parents they were to busy trying to control their shock that they forgot about me.thats when i started.they also called the cops and i tried to charge the basterd,but it did not go through because i had got rid of the evidence and it had been to long since it had happened.that is what the cops told me.well he was not charged and he walks around today and even in the same funcking town as me.i have to live with that the rest of my life knowing that if he ever wanted to finish me off that he could because they did not put his sorry ass away for rape like they should have almost 4 years ago.i will always remember those evil and horroble looking eyes and how he enjoyed hitting me and making me cry.the last thing he told me was that i was lucky to be alive and he could have finished me off if he wanted to.he also told me that if i told anyone that he would come back to finish me off.i waited for him to leave and walked to a friends house and got some of her cloths and walked the rest of the way home.well,i have to go for now.Lisa.if you want,you can e-mail me and i will tell you the rest of my life and how i am just now getting back on my feet.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: New to this site.....
Posted by *me* on Fri Jun 8 03:41:35 2001 (#7878)

Hey welcome! Fellow Ohioan here. This board is awesome and you will find so much support here.

Lots of love

Re: New to this site.....
Posted by Melinda on Sat Jun 9 19:37:24 2001 (#7894)

Hi Lisa,

You're so brave for posting your story on here - I hope it helped you to just write about what you experienced and to know there are people out here who hurt with you.

I too thought I was too old for "this stuff" (I'm 31), since most of the articles I've read say SI'ing usually stops by the time someone hits 30. I share your history of sexual abuse (as do many others here too). Have you scanned through some of the articles on here? They were SO helpful to me - they helped me to undertsand the world of SI a little better. And some of the alternatives to SI'ing that were suggested have worked (while others have not).

The struggle against SI does get old, doesn't it? Sometimes I find myself wondering if I'm just doomed to be this way for the rest of my life & maybe I should just learn to live with it. But then I hear from others here who don't do it as often as they used to, or some who have even stopped. Those who have stopped often reflect upon their time of SI as a time of coping, a way of fighting to survive instead of something to be ashamed of. I hope that one day I will view it that way too.

*BIG HUGS* to you, my dear. I'm so glad you found this site and I hope it will encourage you as much as it has me. And don't forget to celebrate the truth that you went for 4 months without SI'ing. Just because you did it again - it doesn't mean those 4 months have suddenly been invalidated or no longer count. They show that you are strong - and though you aren't perfect - I have yet to meet a person who is.

Peace.

Melinda

The quest for more info!
Posted by Linda on Thu Jun 7 20:05:07 2001 (#7856)

May I ask a question of any who care to answer. How many of you have ever been involved in the occult, psychic readings, spiritism, black magic or white magic, hypnotism, or anything of that nature. If you feel at ease to answer that question, do you mind filling me in on why you became involved with those things. What is it that keeps you involved? Do you feel that it has helped your situation or harmed your situation in regards to SI? I know quite a few of you enjoy rock music. Do you feel that it is harmful or helpful in your desire to manage your SI? What does rock music mean to you? Is it occultic in any way? I know some of you are new here and don't know me so I will just briefly tell you that I am a Christian mother who came here over a year ago for information after finding out that I have a close friend who has been involved in SI. I came for information and I found the sweetest group of people who have helped me immensely. I hope that you all understand that I love Jesus Christ, my Lord. I also hope that none of you have ever felt judgement on my part. I do not judge, I have never felt repulsed by what you do, I have only felt an extreme burden to try to help. Thank you all for being so kind.

Re: The quest for more info!
Posted by Jue on Thu Jun 7 23:37:03 2001 (#7858)

Hey Linda.

First off i want to say that music is my vice. practically any type depending on my mood. it has helped my si immensely, it helps to take my mind off things and also makes me more creative and focused. i have never been involved in black, white magic or anything else mentioned. as you know in also have strong Christian beliefs.

julie

p.s. i haven't e-mailed you because i have been having e-mail problems and i just wasn't sure but i will when i am ready. thanks

((((((((Jue))))))))
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 8 00:25:01 2001 (#7864)

((((((((Jue))))))) I'm here if you need me! Thanks for answering.

Re: The quest for more info!
Posted by Lisa B. on Thu Jun 7 23:37:25 2001 (#7859)

You know, on most sites like this, there are disclaimers you must read stating that people will not use this for their own personal research. If you would like to take a "Poll" of all of us who are SI, I suggest you look elsewhere. I, as I'm sure a lot of the rest of us on here, have been already questioned, poked and prodded at enough by people like you. If you would like to find out more info on SI, use a good search engine, or visit your local library....this isn't the place for that.

Lisa
Posted by Linda on Thu Jun 7 23:48:02 2001 (#7860)

Hi, Lisa! I don't believe we have met. I am very sorry that you have been offended by my request. It was certainly not intended to do that and most people that have been here any length of time know that. I am not researching for any professional reason. It is purely out of a desire to understand. Please accept my apology and don't feel the need to reply. This was not intended for those of you who do feel poked and prodded at. Thanks for taking the time to express your opinion!

Re: The quest for more info!
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jun 8 00:18:40 2001 (#7863)

Music has different effects on me. Most of the time, when I'm angry, I'll tune the radio to a rock station or listen to an angry song on a CD and SI while I'm doing that. Would I still SI without it? Probably. But the music tends to do the screaming I can't. I find that music has a really deep influence on me. I'm at a point where I can't sleep witout it now, if I don't have something to listen to at night, I cut because that's when there's no distractions from the voices telling me how worthless I am. As for occults and stuff . . . no, I've never been in one nor really messed around with it all, but there was a period of time when I was really interested in Wicca and paganism. Hope that helped.

hugs,

Sharon

-Linda, I'm going on vacation tomorrow but I'll try to e-mail you when I get back.

((((((((((Sharon)))))))))))
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 8 00:28:59 2001 (#7866)

Well, it looks like my computer arms are going to be tired from hugging!!(ohhhhhhhhh sorry, Lisa...I didn't think you really wanted a hug but I would have given it anyway if I hadn't been worried about your reaction) I do appreciate your answer, Sharon. I will be excited to get your email when you get back. We have so much more to talk about. And by the way..DO NOT listen to those voices. You are most valuable!!!! Have fun on vacation!

WHOAH THERE!!!! WATCH OUT!
Posted by elle on Fri Jun 8 13:51:38 2001 (#7881)

hey, dont be so rude to Linda, she has been here helping longer than any of us. she is just curious and i am sure the questions she asked arent for reasearch but rather to help us look at different parts of our lives and see how they effect out behavoir. we dont have to just talk only about cuts. we can talk about anything related to them so leave my friend linda alone or i will come over there and to quote LOST, "kick you in the big toe"

Re: WHOAH THERE!!!! WATCH OUT!
Posted by Linda on Sat Jun 9 06:43:14 2001 (#7886)

((((((((((((((((ELLE)))))))))) )))))))) You go thuggirl....to quote my friend LOST!! You guys are the best. Have you heard from LOST lately? I am beginning to worry.

Re: The quest for more info!
Posted by Drew on Fri Jun 8 00:25:57 2001 (#7865)

I am into the occult, not wicca but I'm more of a traditionalist, and I've dated a few wiccans. But me personaly, I can't speak for everybody else, but I keep my occult and SI compleatly seperated. Ok there are times when something calls for my blood but I try to keep in a differnt mind frame when doing that i.e. Blood sacraficeing is not SI, at least for me.

But any-who I find it helps because it aids me to get my mind of my current situations but I suppose no more than a devoted Christian. Personaly I keep my mind devided into two sections, my life and my practice. I find it healps.

thecutthatneverheals :)

spelling mistakes
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jun 8 00:32:39 2001 (#7867)

ok I noticed I spelt a few things wrong but the most confuseing would be "get my mind OF my..." that was supposed to be off.

Drew:)

((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 8 00:32:53 2001 (#7868)

Thanks kiddo for your information. I have just been reading a book that has brought these questions to my mind and you all are helping me sort it all out. Thanks so much!

Re: ((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by Drew on Fri Jun 8 00:33:53 2001 (#7869)

which book?

Re: ((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 8 00:35:59 2001 (#7870)

The name of it is "The Devil's Alphabet" by a man named Kurt Koch. He is a Christian counselor. He has several books I would really like to read. This one is a very small, quickly read one and it has posed many questions for me.

Re: ((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by Drew on Fri Jun 8 00:42:50 2001 (#7872)

ok as long as you're not looking to something like the Satanic Bible for answers (p.s. a verry good book but not my cup of tea) Keep in mind though that anything writen by a Christain Counselor will be slightly (or much more) biast. I find that most , for a lack of better words "occult" books writen by people that do not practice it are ill informed and of too much personal opinion. That's just what I've noticed though.

Re: ((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 8 00:39:29 2001 (#7871)

Are you on AOL Instant messenger...if so I would love to chat sometime. My name is Svdbygs2341. Ooooooooooorrrrrrrrrr if you are on ICQ the name is MOMOM/16760710.

Re: ((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jun 8 00:45:03 2001 (#7873)

Alas no, I have yahoo messanger though. so if anybody on this bord want's to chat I'm...get ready for this....

thecutthatneverheals

Drew:)

Re: ((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 8 00:46:58 2001 (#7874)

: ( I don't have that one. I even have MSN messenger but I never use it. Oh well.....I must go cook supper anyway. Hey...email me sometime. I would love to hear your views on things. Thanks.

Re: ((((((((((Drew))))))))))
Posted by Drew on Fri Jun 8 00:48:55 2001 (#7875)

Okey-day, well I'm off to find somethin to eat then. laters ;)

fuck me i got caught....
Posted by candy darling on Fri Jun 8 01:14:00 2001 (#7877)

today was just a normal day like any other, i was at the mall with my cousin and aunt trying on clothes and my cousin saw my new cuts and said" oh and youve been cutting yourself again i see" and then they both started asking me what kind of power this brings me and i didnt know what to say because if i told them the truth they would definately send me to my mother and then i would be in the pshych ward.what the fuck im only 13 any suggestions ?

Re: fuck me i got caught....
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 9 19:32:25 2001 (#7893)

candy darling, I don't know exactly what to tell u...most of us have been in the same situation where we still don't know the answer on what to say or do...it's hard! I even didn't know what to say...my mom send me to the mental hospital...but it was for my own good! they try to give u new ways to cope! well I don't know exactly what to say but if u ever need to talk I'm always here! Christine

Re: fuck me i got caught....
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 05:54:20 2001 (#7995)

if u need me to im here, my friend caught me but she cutts to seh she knew what was going on but the worst part was that she liedd to getr me to the shcool guidence office, she said that she wouldnt tel mey mom and blah blah but she did and know im gettign help u should to , i'll be honsted with u, u maynot like what do ( in therpy) and it is a rough road to talk but i stil cut not as much and when i do iknow that i can alwayz tell me therpist. getting caught was the worst thing that coul have happednto me, if u need to talk im here for u 2

Each thing I show you is a piece of my death.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jun 8 07:59:22 2001 (#7879)

Hey..... Every day now I find myself asking: Why am I even alive, does it even fucking mater. last year I can remember sitting around on this ugly ass couch playing russian rulet with a coke head, would it have even made a difference to anybody if I lost? I know you're all going to say yeah it would but if you think about it you wouldn't even know I existed in the first place. (much like the rest of the world)

ok pretty much 3 weeks cut free, whipdy do. It hasn't changed anything. I'm still me with the same problems only now I really have the urge to walk around in the snow with out a shirt on cutting veins and artarys/atrioles as I walk through town giveing crazy looks to people I pass and watch there reactions as I flash a smile of teeth dripping with blood and a face with no pupils.

I'm really fucked up if you never clued in with the other stuff I posted.

But Any-who.... ah fuck it, I'm outta here. If I get drunk and cut but the next morning not realize I did does that still count?

Drew.........

Re: Each thing I show you is a piece of my death.
Posted by Maggie on Fri Jun 8 12:33:43 2001 (#7880)

Sometimes I also wonder why I am here? It's like I'm not living because I want to, but because I'm expected to. And you're right... apart from family and friends nobody really does care what happens to another person. So you gotta start trying to find reasons why you want to live, irrespective of what others think and care. I also think that SIers are more aware of the world than others... like we can see the trivialness in things... just like the way strangers react when you smile at them with blood dripping teeth... HAHA haven't done that before, but I like shocking people with things that only shock them because they can't think beyond limited comfort zones.

And fucked-up is a relative term. You may do bizarre things but at least you know it... there are other psychos out there who think they are normal. Even those that are prejudice against us cutters are probably just as fucked-up but can't see it. We'll get through our shit in the end, but if they never realise theirs they'll always live wondering why they can never be satisfied with their lives.

Ok... just raving. Take care.

Re: Each thing I show you is a piece of my death.
Posted by Tara on Fri Jun 8 20:14:43 2001 (#7882)

Hey,

i think we all know how you feel on that point of view.i know i do.all that i can say is take care of your self.also that i will always be here for you and so will every one else.gotta jet now.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: Each thing I show you is a piece of my death.
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 9 16:33:39 2001 (#7890)

Hi Drew...Im seriously fucked in the head too..I have the craziest ideas about killing people and killing myself, I wont go into to much detail right now but I jus wanted to tell you, Im majorly fuked over also. dont feel alone peace

Re: Each thing I show you is a piece of my death.
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 9 19:38:20 2001 (#7895)

Drew, aw huni u r soo important to me! I'm soo happy u made it to 3 weeks...longer than me! I'm soo proud of u for doing that! I know how u feel about not wanting to b here and all and get ppl 2 notice all ur pain...all the pain stops hurting at some point but for only a few moments and when u experience it u'll notice y it was soo important to live even for 1 small moment! but things aren't always bad...everything gets better w/ a few bumps along the way! I'm praying 4 u! Christine

i need you guys to help me now ok!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Fri Jun 8 20:25:51 2001 (#7883)

my boyfriend Joe came over last night and see the thing is that i love him so much,but i feel as if i don't make him happy.i want him to be happy even if that means not being with me and i want him to know that if i do not make him happy that we do not need to be together anymore,but then i start to get selfish and tell myself to keep my big mouth shut.i know that i need to tell him what i am feeling i am just to scared of losing him.if i lost him,i know that my life would be ruined for good.that or i would kill myself.i just don't know.i am so lost right now.i wish that this was all easy to get together in my head.i keep thinking that he is going to leave me or use me or that i will make him mad in some way shape or form that i don't even know about.well i am going to go.i have went on enough about my stupid,fucking little problems when you all have much more worse things to be worried about than this.see ya

YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: i need you guys to help me now ok!!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Sat Jun 9 01:10:24 2001 (#7884)

I think that trust is something that takes time. i know that sounds irritating but i still won't trust a guy to get into a relationship. i like him and as soon as he shows any interest i jet. stupid i know. but you have got into your relationship, which is something to say. i really have no advice sry, i know i suck. but i think it is a important to remember that no matter what you are always worth it. you deserve to be listened to. damn. i think i am starting to sound like a therapist. ha.

take care. julie.

Re: i need you guys to help me now ok!!!!!!!
Posted by Rabbit on Sat Jun 9 04:25:46 2001 (#7885)

Ok, first of all, I should put out this disclaimer that relationships are NOT my area of expertise. Now, having said that, calm down a little and try to put things in perspective. Has he given you any solid reasons to make you think that the relationship is in trouble? Then talk to him and express your feelings and be brave enough to ask him what he's feeling. Honesty is way importanrt. Also, on your own, try to figure out why you are so desperate to stay in the relationship, thinking that if it ended you'll kill yourself. Personally, I think that's giving men way too much credit, but then again that's just me and I have issues, so I digress. Definately talk about it, communication is key. Good luck.

Re: i need you guys to help me now ok!!!!!!!
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Jun 9 07:04:17 2001 (#7887)

Ok, please first bear in mind that I haven't slept for a while and my mind is fucked.

I was in a relationship with someone who was very insecure. No matter what I did, she thought I was in control and was somehow "better" than she was. This came up all the time, and the result was that we inevitably split and both of us were fucked up. My point is that you have to see it as a relationship of equals. If you put yourself down it's just not gonna work, cos it'll be as hard on him as it is on you. You need to respect yourself as a person, not just as half of a couple. Being single is no worse than telling yourself you're happy in a relationship you know is fucked. It's hard, but you know in your heart whether it's worth fighting for. if it is, then don't let the hurt build up. Either talk to him about it or let it go. Don't expect him to know what's pissing you off if you never say. talk to him. Be honest.

But talk none the less. If he can't handle it, you're truly better off out of it. I know it hurts, but no-one is worth killing yourself for. Being alone is scary, but more honest to yourself than being in a relationship where you think you don't matter. No matter how low your self opinion, you owe it to yourself to be genuinely happy and not just to tell yourself that you're happy enough. I spent three years where my partner thought every girl I talked to was somehow more desirable than she was. Logically, if I wanted to fuck other women I would have been with them and not her. She never believed that, but you must. This guy is with you because he thinks you're special and cos he wants to be with you, no-one else. You have to believe that, because without trust nothing matters. No matter what your problems, he has decided to be with you. Don't ruin it because you can't believe that. You are special, and deserve to be loved. Don't damn him because of your own worries. I know they're real, but you can't let them destroy your happiness.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, that's not how I meant it. It's just that I think you have more to offer than you might see, and you need to allow people to see that in you also.

chris.

Re: i need you guys to help me now ok!!!!!!!
Posted by Linda on Sat Jun 9 15:33:45 2001 (#7888)

Tara, I agree with Chris. It is very unhealthy for any relationship for one of the couple to be so dependant on the other. When you feel like you can't exist without the other, then you are not healthy yourself. I believe that in order to give to a relationship, you must be comfortable with yourself. You can not give without anything to give. If you cannot love yourself, then you can not be the equal that Chris refers to. So, I would say that you need to be completely honest with Joe. If he is repulsed by what you say, then understand that you need to have some inner healing before you will ever have a healthy relationship. You need to get to the place that you can accept who you are---a creation of a loving God who cares so much for you that He prepared a way for you to get complete healing from your #1 problem, the sin nature and then from everday stress. I do believe there is deliverance from it all but only you can reach for it. And by the way, what a sweet mother God has blessed you with. Let her help you with that feeling of unworth. I'll bet she has some different views about it.

Re: i need you guys to help me now ok!!!!!!!
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 9 19:42:19 2001 (#7896)

Tara, if he's not happy w/u then it wasn't really meant to b...but maybe he loves u w/all his heart and u don't see that or he just doesn't know how to show u! it's hard to tell! tell him how u feel and that u love him...I hope everything works out for u both! Christine

I'm dying a slow death...
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 9 16:25:26 2001 (#7889)

ok well I'm new here ..This is probably going to be a long message so don't freak...I saved this site just to read the shit and look at the pictures of the mutilation people have done. I seem to like them for some oddd odd reason. anyway...I feel just terrible, I take celexa everyday, I thought it was working but I still go back to my old behaviors. I thought drugs would help me after 4 years of drug addiction I've ended up having to go to NA meetings every single night. After i WAS released from the psych hospital about 3 weeks ago..I havent cut myself so it was about 5 weeks since i cut myself. I havent done any type of substance since may 6th. =) but last night, my brother made me very angrey and he was pissed at me and he said.." XXXX broke up with you bc your face is ugly" and I thought to myself, he's exactly right. and I had terrible rage in my heart, my teeth were clenched I went to the bathroom tore open a razor and fukin cut some more. My wrists are nasty, I have had 16 stitches since I started cutting , its been about 2 years now. Nothing seems to be helping me, everything that I had learned in the mental hopistal totally didnt work at all. I need help, desperatly. I tried to commit suicide may 7th, I would have succedded Im pretty sure If i hadnt of been found and rushed to the ER. GOD WHY! anyway..Im in agonizing pain right now, mental pain and I just want to know what can help, and WHY!!!!!! why me =.(

peace

Re: I'm dying a slow death...
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 9 19:49:36 2001 (#7898)

KAT, I take celexa everyday too! sry just needed to point that out! ur brother was just trying to get u mad...I guess it worked...my sister tries the samething! I hate having siblings! I'm sry that u got mad and cut...I wish I was there to talk u out of it! if u ever need to talk I'm always here! Christine

Re: I'm dying a slow death...
Posted by Maggie on Sun Jun 10 09:05:24 2001 (#7913)

Welcome to the group! I hope you find some comfort here - none of us really know how to get out of our holes, but having company while in them makes things more bearable.

It's ironic that the people who are supposed to love us can be the most nasty, and thus trigger us easily into a downward turn.

I'm glad you didnt succeed with your suicide attempt. Hope you hang around this board.

Take Care, Maggie.

just sitting here, thinking aloud
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Jun 9 19:31:35 2001 (#7892)

There is no point to my existence. Things that used to give me pleasure are meaningless now. Being with people scares me, and makes me want to bleed. Being alone scares me too, and also makes me bleed. Perhaps cutting is merely a tool used to justify an alienation I cannot otherwise understand. Perhaps it hides the greater truth. Perhaps it is time for me to stop playing, and to embrace that which I have been hiding from. It will be interesting to see whether I am strong enough.

Actually, I take that back. It will hold no interest for me. If or when, why or how, none of these questions matter. Just varying shades of grey.

Writing this has helped put form to previously ethereal suspicions. It makes sense now. Thank you.

Re: just sitting here, thinking aloud
Posted by Jess on Sat Jun 9 19:45:02 2001 (#7897)

babe mail me what your hiding from.Jessx

Re: just sitting here, thinking aloud
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 9 19:52:18 2001 (#7900)

chrisE, I know how ur feeling about everything! please e-mail me! Christine

thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Sat Jun 9 19:51:40 2001 (#7899)

THANKS,

thanks,but he was in clinton last night which is not even 15 minets from my house and he did not eeven come and see me.i don't know what is going on.about a month ago,his ex girl-friend called him and told him that she was pregnent and that it might be his.see he had slept with her a couple of months ago before him and i had meet and got together and she told him that she was about 3 to 4 months along.he would not tell me,but he told my best friend because they were like brother and sister and i was messing around with what it might be and i guessed it and she told me that i had guessed his secert.for 2 weeks he did not tell me.he had to pay for a dna test and what was weird to me was my best friend told me that she got the results back in a week and also that they took blood from the baby to or from around the fetis or something like that.i was told that it would kill the baby if you did something like that.also there is no fucking way that you can get your results back in a fucking week.it takes atleast 4 to 6 weeks to get them back.i know that from my best friend.she had a dna test done and did not get the results back for atleast 5 weeks.well she called Joe and told him that the baby was his.thats when he called me and told me what was going on.of course i already knew what was going on.after he told me i asked him if we were still together and he told me that his heart was saying yes but his mind was saying no.i broke down crying and hung up the phone.this was at about 11:30 or at night.i called my best friend Misty and told her what had just happened.Joe was calling me to.i have call waiting.i did not answer the first two times.the third time i cliked over and told Joe that i could not handle talking to him and that i had to go,but he would not let me off the phone.he told me that if i hung up on him he was going to come over to my house.so i 3 wayed him with Misty.after 20 minets misty had to get off for the night.Joe and i stayed on the phone and talked.he kept telling me how sorry he was for hurting me.he also told me what my b-day present was.it was an engagment ring.but at the time i did not give a shit.i told him how he was the only guy that i had trusted for 3 years and allowed myself to care for and how i could not believe that i was so stupid.how i wanted to die so much that night.little did i know his ex left him for another guy and he could not see that it was a patteren.i told him about it and he believed me and he asked me if i wanted him back and of course i took him back then i asked him if he was sure if he wanted me back and he told me that he was damn sure that he did not want to do this in the frist place.a week went by and his ex ,guess what,had a miscarriage.how convinent.i am not trying to be mean or anything.well i am going to go now.i have babed on enough.sooooooooooooorrrrrrrrr rrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy ssssssssssssssssssoooooooooooo oooooooo long.

YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

SORRY THAT THIS IS SO LONG BUT PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Sat Jun 9 19:52:37 2001 (#7901)

THANKS,

YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: SORRY THAT THIS IS SO LONG BUT PLEASE READ!!!!
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 9 20:06:22 2001 (#7902)

Tara, I hope ur relationship w/ur bf gets better! I'm happy that she had a miscarage on ur behalf...it gives u more time to work things out w/ur bf! I hope u both the best! Christine

I'm back!!!
Posted by black rose on Sat Jun 9 20:09:45 2001 (#7903)

I've missed everyone soo much! I had fun on my trip to Washington D.C. except for a slip up that happened between me and my bf! I cried the whole night and locked myself in my hotel bathroom! I took 1 of my razors and broke it apart and started to cut my stomach up like hell! I don't know what happened but now my cuts r all infected and I don't plan on telling ne 1 ne time soon! o well! I g2g! l8er! Christine

Re: I'm back!!!
Posted by Jess on Sat Jun 9 20:28:02 2001 (#7904)

Glad you had a nice time.clean your cuts though babe.Stay safe.Jess

Re: I'm back!!!
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 10 00:10:54 2001 (#7909)

thanx Jess!

what should i do
Posted by *me* on Sat Jun 9 21:52:04 2001 (#7905)

Lately I have really been thinking about telling someone about my cutting. I don't know if I will or not but I have been thinking about it a lot. I've been telling my friends about my panic attacks and about the routines I have to do that control me. But I haven't said anything about cutting. In a way I really want to get help. I want to be able to just go out and not have to hide my arms and legs and this huge part of me. I always have to put on an act and no one really knows who I really am because I have to hide it. And a part of me wishes I didn't and that if I told and could get help and then maybe I could stop this and stop hiding. And it really really really makes me feel like a piece of crap that my mom saw the cuts and just doesn't care. That bothers me so freaking much. And I want to tell someone who will care but I don't know if I want them to care because I don't know if I really want to get help. I'm scared of what that might mean. And I'm scared of a life w/o cutting bc it has become such a big part of my life and to think of my life w/o it is something I can't even imagine. It is something I do when I can't cope with things that are going on and I don't know if I would be able to live my life w/o it. So I don't know what to do. And I am supposed to go get freaking bloodwork done on Monday and this huuuuuge bruise that takes up most of my arm is still there. I used the ice (thanks for suggesting that it does work somewhat) and it took the color from blackish/reddish down to yellow, but it's still visible. And I'm trying to figure out how to get out of going bc I can't have someone find out now I'm just not ready. If I tell someone it will be one of my friends on my time. So this post is long and rambling and may not make any sense but any response would be appreciated. Thanks.

Re: what should i do
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Sat Jun 9 22:25:30 2001 (#7906)

That is EXACTLY how i felt, i told my mom and she didn't care, so i kinda wanyted to tell somone else, but i didn't wanna, you know? i completly understand how you feel. But for me, somone a school SAW and talked to me about it, now everyone knows..and well...half of me is sooo glad i dont have to hid, and that i have somone to talk to, and people to support me, and i am gettin help with two therapist, and i'm on Paxil, ANYWAYS the other half of me wishes i never told, and i hid it more...with some people using it against me like "well atlease i'm not a crazy cutter!" and then theres when people are always checking me, and asking me if i have done "it"..uhg...so i dont know what to tell you, your gonna have to figure it out on your own, take care! email me if you wanna!! ~Shanna

Re: what should i do
Posted by em on Sat Jun 9 23:24:24 2001 (#7907)

hia, its me em. wow, i know just how you feel. this week i had an appointment with the arthritic clinic b/c they think i have rumatisim (like they can do anything) and they wanted a blood sample. i told them that i didnt want anyone else in the room whilst it was being done as it made me 'nervous' (yeh right) anyway when they she saw it she just gave me a funny look but didnt say anything. just to be safe i told her that it was none of her buisness and not to go interfearing. she didnt! dont worrie about having to hide your body, i have to , and it really gets me down when i have to but i have managed to stop for periods, so when they begin to heal i feel better. also about talking. i have one good friend who fortunatly worked on a phyci ward for a while so she kinda understood.trust me telling a very good friend(only one) really makes you feel better. she knows when im feeling low and always says the right things because she knows why im upset.(usually because ive cut again) try it! it may be the solution. your friend Emma

Re: what should i do
Posted by Dawn Hensley on Sun Jun 17 22:23:05 2001 (#8040)

You sound young, I'm not. I didn't start hurting myself until I was around 37 when my memories of sexual abuse surfaced. I am not one that wears long sleeves so I never hid what I do. So I can't really relate to your exact dilemma but I can tell you that it takes a lot of emotional work to keep secrets. I have found that yes there are hassels and people gawk, but not keeping it a secret frees me up to deal with the reasons why I cut.

I'm new to this message board, but not new to self injury. I know enough to know that hiding it gives it more power and makes it harder to resist. There are people and places you can go to for help and I hope that you do.

Re: what should i do
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 10 00:09:57 2001 (#7908)

*me*, I think that u really do have to tell someone...the help u on different ways of coping besides cutting! it may sound impossible but it works and it may take some time! it's only for the better that u tell someone...it'll help u soo much although u may not relize this now but there r soo many ppl out there willing to give their time to u and help u out as best they can! it can't stay a secret forever sooner or later someone has to find out! just try to make it sooner cuz there isn't always a later! I hope ur bloodwork goes well! Christine

Re: what should i do
Posted by elle on Sun Jun 10 02:30:00 2001 (#7910)

a few things, you will never feel ready, it is impossible. and don't have such high expectations of "getting help"

there is no great magical wizard of oz that can fix all your problems. nope nope. and no matter how much you believe that "help" will make everything better it won't. all therapists can do is help you think more and figure things out. painful things. things u would rather forget. so make a wise choice and know that going into therapy will improve your life but it will be a long hard process. not just a magical cure

Re: what should i do
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jun 10 04:51:56 2001 (#7911)

Ella is right. Therapy is a cure that will take only a few months. It takes a long time because you will have to talk through a lot of stuff you would probably rather forget about. It's taken Tara almost 3 years to get to where she is now and she still has her bad days. We just keep trying. How did your friends react when you told them about your panic attacks? If they were supportive, you may just have to tell them and risk them reacting different to this. Chances are, they will support you in this also. I know I've said before about telling your parents, but I'll say it again. You never know how they will take the news. Alot of them won't under stand and if they don't, find someone who will. I guess it really makes me mad to see someone talking about how their parents don't even give a damn about the problems their own children are going through. I just want to find these adults and shake them really hard to wake them up. We are SUPPOSED to take care of our kids. Why don't some parents do this?? That's what I don't understand. Any way, just be sure you want to tell someone. Take your time. This is all on your time table and not anyone else's. Be safe and take care. Write if you want. I'll listen. Love, Tara's Mom

Re: what should i do
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 10 18:47:12 2001 (#7917)

Hi..well in my case I didnt have the choice whether I wanted to tell someone or not, my friends found out somehow and they told my parents, but they told my parents about 8 months later ..after I had already scarred my body pretty badly. I was extremly mad at them for not letting me make the decision to tell my parents but it did save me from myself, bc I wasnt capable of saving myself from myself anymore. I honstly think you should tell someone and tell them that you think you need help. I did this after my parenst found out and it took a suicide attmept for them to get me help. good luck to you. =)

To everyone - plz read
Posted by *me* on Sun Jun 10 21:28:35 2001 (#7924)

Thanks to everyone who replied. My mind is so very confused. I don't know what I should do or not anymore. I think if I tell my friends they might try to tell my mom. It's summmer now so that's good bc they can't involve the school. I don't know. There's something in me that wants them to tell. A part of me really really wants to try to stop. And I'm so sick of hiding my feelings. But I'm so afraid of what the consequences of telling might be. So this other part of me just wants to tell so that someone else knows. I want someone to know and to CARE. It really freaks me out that my mom doesn't (Tara is so lucky to have you, Tara's mom.) Ok well this is getting to be babble. But thanks.

Lots of love

Re: To everyone - plz read
Posted by elle on Mon Jun 11 07:27:40 2001 (#7930)

even if other people know the only person that can make you stop is you. in fact, when other people know there are just more reasons to cut. if you really want people to care dont tell them about cutting but tell them you are in pain and you need their support. then, use that friendship to try and figure out what makes you cut. not what you think makes you cut but what really makes you cut. then you will be ready to stop. you are the only person who can make yourself stop. as much as you think having other people know will help you stop, you are the only one who has the power to do that. i know how confused you are and how hard all this is because it is exactly what i am going through right now too. love ya hon!

i think that i need help
Posted by sara on Sun Jun 10 05:57:50 2001 (#7912)

i think that i might need help...but there are just too many things that i am oh so not ready to talk about right now (like hiding in my closet and falling off my bed hitting my head hard when i was little and why i did those)...i just can't right now...i can get in some serious trouble if i do or my parents could get in some even more serious trouble..i mean i'll be 18 in a year and i can wait, it can wait. right?

but i don't want to remember those things and i don't want to talk about why i tried to kill myself and i don't want to talk about why i cut or whatever happens to float my rocky little boat. sure, the whole eating thing, well its been parent influence the last several years with them watching what i eat and me just not eating...yeah....somethings should be just left along, like this....i can handle it, i can handle it all...i can i really can....its not of a thing that i don't want to talk its more of a thing that i can't--i don't know how.........

i'm just scared. and perhaps worried...perhaps worried about what i will do next (nothing by the way)....i am sorry though...you've been, unfortuantly, introduced to a side of me that i hoped no one would ever meet....and i'm stubborn, i am....i always listen to what you have to say and really thing about it, i'm just too gosh darn stubborn to act or to break away from my little comfort area...yeah....don't worry i won't give up anymore b/c the people who care haven't.....well this was longer than i planned it to be.... what can i do???? how can i tell my parents??? am i even worth it?? sara

Re: i think that i need help
Posted by Pru on Sun Jun 10 09:42:51 2001 (#7914)

i don't feel qualified to advise sara, but i can empathise. I tried to respond several times to you but ended up deleting all i had written to you as it seemed inadequate. All i can think to say is that you are worthwhile, and the reason you are worthwhile is because you are a human being capable of amazing things like all of us. It is not your fault- life and society more generally are often pitched against those of us who feel this way. Don't blame yourself. There is hope for society to change and for all of us to lead more fulfilling lives free from violence, oppression and emotional abuse. Even if we rely on self harm to get us through, remember that it doesn't have to be this way. You should not have to suffer and your feeling are valid. You have a right to have the feelings you're having and it is almost a natural thing to be confused. Never apologise for showing the side of yourself you usually hide- it is as valid as your "happy mask".you're not alone, much understanding, Pru

Heres some things from the website you might like to try: Things to Try to Keep Yourself Safe © 1997, Mollykat, Original location Keep dangerous things out of your house/apartment/dorm room For me, this means keeping OTC pain medications out of the house or only having a very small quanity of them in the house. Often this means when I do have to purchase a medication have to buy the more expensive name brand (generic/store brands always seem to have larger bottles) and pay a little more. A small price though when you think of it in terms of my safety in a crisis time. This also means that I keep razor blades out of the house. Sure, there are other thing I can use but I know that I am most likely to use a razor blade and not having them in the house means that I have to make the effort to go out and buy them. It is often that very effort that stops me. Make a tape of music for those bad times I have a tape of sad music I listen to when I feel depressed or sad. I think the music helps me to realize that I am not the only one to feel this. It doesn’t always work but often after listening I don’t feel quite so empty and alone. Make a list of friends you can call I do not do this because I do not have local friends that I can call. BUT, I know many people who find this list of friends to contact extremely helpful even if they don’t actually call anyone. Focus on what is real and around you right then This means to get down to absolute basics. Say to yourself what you see. ie. The couch is green. The light is on. I can feel my shoe pinching my foot. This can sometimes be enough to ground you. Make a contract with someone you care about and who cares about you I have two people that I know I can go to and say "I need to make a contact with you" and they will do it with me. They don’t overreact and they just want me to be safe. Make sure that the person/people you choose to do this with are safe people who will not over-react to the situation and who will not minimize the situation. Make sure they know ahead of time that you may be asking them for this. Call a crisis line In my area, we have the Samaritians which you can call. Check your phone book to see if they have a number near you. There may also be other crisis lines listed in the front of the phone book. Create an internal safe place where you can go In a time when you feel safe and secure, create a room or a garden or any safe area inside yourself where you can retreat to and get away from external stresses. Add as many details as you can to make it real for you. Get a warm drink and curl up in a warm place with a stuffie Buy yourself a special stuffie if you do not already have one. Make yourself some tea or hot chocolate (or even coffeee if the caffeine doesn’t bother you) and curl up under a nice warm comforter or blanket with lots of pillows. Sometimes I put on a movie that isn’t triggery. Substitute hurting yourself with something else This is not always easy. In fact this usually is not easy at all. One thing that my counselor suggested is to use a red marker instead of a razor blade. Other suggestions are take a walk and get out of the house. Write, draw or scribble in a journal. Lie on your bed and kick and scream. Do not go out driving in the car alone I’ll be honest, this is one of the things that I very much want to do when I am in a self-harming place. But, it isn’t safe to be driving when you are very upset and you can hurt people other than yourself. Try not to be to hard on yourself for feeling this way Try not to beat yourself up inside by calling yourself names or expecting yourself to just "not feel this way" or to "snap out of it." This internal namecalling and self-verbal abuse will only make you feel worse. You are trying to take care of yourself. Try and focus on getting through this crisis time How you feel now will not last forever. It is hard to remember that while you are in the midst of these feelings. Just focus on you and what you need to do to get through these feelings as safely as you can. This is really really hard to remember at the times you feel bad so you may want to write it out when you are feeling good and have it someplace you can find. Remember that you have littles/inner children who may be very scared Watching someone self harm is a very scary thing to witness and your lils maybe be aware of what you are doing. If you really feel you are going to self-harm, you may need to get them to a safe place. This also applies if you are a parent with external children, you probably should not have them there when you are self harming. Use a toothbrush instead of a razor This was a suggestion that someone I know was given by her therapist. It creates a feeling on your skin but isn’t as damaging as a razor blade. Use a red marker instead of a razor This was a suggestion that my therapist gave me. This sometimes works especially if you are cutting to see blood. One thing you should be careful about is to only use non-toxic markers in case you somehow break the skin. I guess you should also consider using the washable marker that they make since that will help you clean up if you choose.

Re: i think that i need help
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 10 18:55:40 2001 (#7918)

No one deserves to be in pain and not have help or comfort. No one. It took a suicide attempt after 8 months of cutting ( my parents knew about it) for them to get me help..I would of got myself help but the truth is I didn't want to stop cutting, doing drugs, starving myself and other bad habits. *addictions*. If you don't talk about these things and find out the root of the causes that started you out on those paths then they will remain inside of you forever and eat at your mind and they will destory you. Im sure those feelings are painful and strong but they need to be out in the open , no one person is strong enough to deal with all that by theirself. My parents never saw my cuts, I refused to show them but they saw when i got my stitches and when they found me after I had attempted suicide. Just tell your parents you have some psychological problems and you think you would like some help dealing with them. Im sure they would understand and if they dont ,go get help yourself you can admitt yourself if your 16 or older into a short term psych hospital, those places do help. good luck to you. =)

Re: i think that i need help
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 10 20:18:24 2001 (#7920)

Sara, slow down hun...if u don't feel like telling everyone what's going on it's ur choice...but if u r going to tell and ur scared start out w/the little things that happened it makes it easier! If ur going to tell ur parents make it when they would be able to take it easier! ur worth everything in the world...nothing can change that! when ur ready to tell I'm sure they'll listen and I'll be hear to listen as well...but only if u choose to tell! Take care hun! *hugs* Christine

thank you
Posted by sara on Mon Jun 11 05:46:44 2001 (#7929)

that's all...thank you...i just got home from my first year of pre-med at 16 and so i guess i have to face my true fears...and i will...i have attempted to talk to the people at the student therapy place but they didn't really believe me (you know the whole perfect person gone bad kind of thing) so i called a lady a friend at college told me to...so i guess i will just see what happens and i am ready to take my life back, its been too long since i have been in control of who i am. but at the same time, this year in particular, it has caused me to re-evalutate my long term goals and seek self actualization and understanding...anyway, thanks, sara

Re: thank you
Posted by elle on Mon Jun 11 07:31:16 2001 (#7931)

you sound like a girl i know named sara who plays the flute...you arent from new jersey by any chance are you? email me at "cutter_elle@hotmail.com& quot;

Re: i think that i need help
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 21:01:05 2001 (#8002)

YES, YES ur worth it! i still cut and i still feel like im not worth it but u are everybody is every body in this damn world! if u thinkits going to get worse u need to get help NOW!!!!!! even if u don thtinkit wil get worse u should tell ur parent but if that to hard get someone to tell them for u, thats what i did.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Sun Jun 10 12:45:04 2001 (#7915)

Trust me its there. i know many of you dont know me, i used to post here a lot. but i felt that i had to leave as i needed to beat SI on my own. and i just wanted to give you the ray of hope that i have found. THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU ALL!!!! i started to SI when i was 11 and a half. im now nearly 15. just before christmas 2000, i was cutting every day seval cuts a day. now 6 months on and i have been cut free for 9 and a half weeks. i want you all to know that it IS possible to stop, you just have to look deep into your inner self and find the last, tiny bit of strength you have. if you can grab hold of that strength then you can win. its a long hard battle but it does get easier. i still think about cutting, infact i think about it all the time, but i know that if i let myself fall back into it, then i have lost my fight. and i have never liked to lose, i have always tried to win and this is one fight im not giving up on. i really hope this will give some of you the hope i needed when i was cutting. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....
Posted by black rose on Sun Jun 10 20:26:53 2001 (#7921)

Amanda, it's good to hear that ur pulling thru...I hope I can do the same myself but the light at the end of my tunnel seems to become dimmer everytime a battle is lost! I know there is hope and I'm trying my best! I hope u succeed even if I don't! I remember some1 telling me to never start something unless I plan to finish it...I hope I can stop my SI before it finishs me! Sometimes I wonder did I start SI or did SI start me! O well...it's kinda confusing! I hope u keep posting and don't leave for too long..I need u here! but if it's for the best for u I hope u make it thru! *hugs* <3 always Christine

Re: there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....
Posted by elle on Mon Jun 11 07:33:56 2001 (#7932)

hey, i missed you. i am glad for your strength. i see a new little bit of that light everyday!