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Threads 1701 to 1750

oh God, i need some advice, it's happening again
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 27 01:24:35 2001 (#6859)

The whole bit about people finding out. It's happening again. It's not my doctor this time, it's my friends, but I don't know what to do. One of my best friends is having her 16th birthday party tomorrow. Her neighbor called her up and invited her, at some point during-after-before the party, to have like 5 of her best friends come to her neighbor's HOT TUB. My friend invited me as one of her friends. I want to go soooo bad, I'm sitting here crying because it's not fair that I can't go, I have tons and tons of brand new cuts aaaalll over both of my thighs. There's no way I can go in. I'm planning on dangling my feet into the water, but what kind of excuse can I give? My friends are going to think I'm crazy, I don't know, maybe I am, why do I feel like this all the time, so sad and I hate myself I'm sooo stupid for cutting I should have known something like this would happen, it's almost summer....Oh God anyways, let's focus on tomorrow. What the heck can I do/say? What would YOU do/say?????? Please please help. I'm going to try to come on later tonight, or POSSIBLY tomorrow afternoon before the party, though that is highly unlikely. So please please respond tonight. I need your help.

Re: oh God, i need some advice, it's happening aga
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 27 04:49:04 2001 (#6862)

tell them you have your period and you dont want to deal with water...maybe thatll work

Re: oh God, i need some advice, it's happening aga
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 05:10:13 2001 (#6867)

I agree with the period thing - good idea, elle! :-P

*me*,

Relax, hun. Everything will be okay. Just next time you cut, think about the consequences - the scars, having to hide them, etc. Maybe this experience will keep you from cutting next time. I hope so. Stay safe hun. And good luck with your friends.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: oh God, i need some advice, it's happening aga
Posted by Beth on Thu May 3 23:26:11 2001 (#7125)

you shouldn't cut yourself and want to stop becuz other people will notice, you should stop cutting yourself to realize that cutting yourself isn't a healthy way to deal with your problems, i know things may feel out of control and you may not want to go out of your way to get help, but trust me, any debt to pay to get happy is worth it. try to seek help.

huLLo, 1st time visit!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Fri Apr 27 05:09:51 2001 (#6866)

Hiya everyone, this is my first time here, and i was just checking it out, but i think i shall post stuff here cause it seems as though everyone is sooo suportive! wow! well, yes i am basically saying hiya! so....yeah i would tell my story, but i dont know if yall wanna listen so write back, and if you want to here it, i'll tell my story, okie, well I'm 14..and i cut, thats all i'll say now, well, i g2g buh byesa!

Re: huLLo, 1st time visit!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 05:12:14 2001 (#6868)

Tell us your story. We're here to listen. This place is extremely supportive and there are LOTS of great people here!!! Welcome! :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: huLLo, 1st time visit!
Posted by Maggie on Fri Apr 27 08:36:07 2001 (#6878)

Welcome to the bunch! Hope you enjoy your ride with us... We're all here to listen.

Re: huLLo, 1st time visit!
Posted by carol on Tue May 1 19:29:31 2001 (#7016)

hey! i'm new too but i'd like to here your storu if you want to share it. actually i kinda feel like we might be a little similar in that i'm 16 and i cut too. talk to you later! :o]

mine too!
Posted by girl on Mon May 7 12:39:19 2001 (#7259)

hey im new here too but i think ill stay...everyone seems so cool about subjects that everyone else sweeps under thecarpet!stay safe GIRL

intro.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 06:24:03 2001 (#6871)

well I guess I should introduce myself. I've made a few coments here and there but never really said who I am. Ok, let's see, my name is Drew I've never really cut myself that much before untill a sertain point in my life where everythig got screwed up. (I think I mentiond it in an earlyer reply I made) but Any-who, I've had not exactly the most suportive life so I suppose you'll be seing me a bit. I don't really have that great of story to tell....hmmm, lets see... I cut, I'm sick and tierd of getting up in the morning and fakeing like everythings Ok, going through school like that was really getting on my nerves so I decided fuck it! after I broke my ribs with a hammer ( only like 2 people know that so it's kinda wierd telling everybody) I made no effort to not hold my ribs or make it look like I'm ok I've just found out somebody I still care for is now as fucked up as me, maybe more, I also just realized I'm more fucked up than I thought I was. I don't necesarly want to kill myself anymore, yet I still long for death. (but hey, that's normal right?) ummm, I know I've missed something.... oh well, this is long enough. I'd just like to say that this is really strange for me considering I don't know you, but I hope I get used to it.

Drew

Re: intro.
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 07:07:41 2001 (#6872)

Drew,

WELCOME!!! It's always great to get new people. Everyone here is so supportive and friendly - we're our own little family, I love it. I know you'll fit right in.

I'm sorry to hear about your self injurious behavior. I hope you will find the support you need here to help you stop, if you want to - of course.

I know it's weird telling people you don't know intimate details about your life. I tell my sisters here things I don't tell ANYONE. It's weird, but it's also very comforting. You always know that the people here will accept you, not judge you, and love you for who you are. And, since you're here now, we love you. Welcome, and God bless.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: intro.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 07:46:18 2001 (#6873)

well, I don't really belive in god but thanks :)

Re: intro.
Posted by carol on Tue May 1 19:41:09 2001 (#7017)

hi drew, i just found this today so it's new for me too. after reading your post i thought maybe i should do an intro thing too...i hadn't really thought about that. but anyways, i also long for death but i don't know. i just don't feel like i can commit suicide so i finally just started cutting. i know it's probably not the best solution but does kinda help i think. i also fed up with trying to make things seem good and everything. i did honestly give therapy and drugs a chance but they aren't helping any. i'm hoping i'll come up with a good excuse to stop therapy and the medicine because it's such a waste. i'm a bit worried though that my parents will get pretty mad at me so i haven't said much of anything yet. well thanks for reading this. i don't know if this is like a good response but i hope it's not like real bad or anything.

rib story.... if anyone cares.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 08:18:44 2001 (#6874)

Ok, I found it. I wrote what happend with the ribs down and it's still on my comp. the only problems are 1) it's really long 2) AS I just read it over it looks like some kinda demented chapter out of a novel, it wasn't meant to be and 3) I don't think anyone cares, but if you, and if you have some time to kill, let me know and I'll post it

Drew.

Re: rib story.... if anyone cares.
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 08:23:42 2001 (#6875)

I'm curious. If you wouldn't mind posting it, I'd love to read it.

Re: rib story.... if anyone cares.
Posted by Maggie on Fri Apr 27 08:29:34 2001 (#6876)

me too

Re: rib story.... if anyone cares.
Posted by carol on Tue May 1 19:42:44 2001 (#7018)

same here!

rib story?, ok... here it is
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 08:55:58 2001 (#6879)

ok first of all ther's a name in here I'm going to fill in with ****** and secondly this is from after christmass around mid jan. Any-who, feel free to try to get into my head(good luck)

(p.s. ther's also mention of a note in ther, baisicly I was reading a breack up note as I was walking home and as soon as I figgerd out what it was my knese hit the sidewalk)

Fuuuuuuuuuuck...... All-right I'll admit it. Breaking my ribs PROBABLY wasn't the smartest idea I ever had. But any-who hears my story of it (if you care). By the way, you might want to throw this letter away right now because this is pretty disturbing, and it will definitely change your opinion of me......... .............................. .............................. .......... ......All-right I warned you. Now you see how pathetic I really am. So Sunday night,just like every night, All night all I can do is think about my ******.( or at least she was my ******) Questions keep popping into my mind, what if I tried to under-stand her more, why didn't I treat her better,(by the way, I treated her like a God) How did I manage to destroy the one thing that mattered more to me than anything else in this fucking world! So usual routine, I grab my papers, but I'm too depressed even for my vintage Andrew death poetry.

"Fuck it! where'd I put my knife? ruining out of places to cut." So I start cutting around my heart,(thats where I usually begin,,fitting) I get a bit restless, and start hacking at my veins. As the blood starts flowing I feel slightly better, but kneeling in a pool of my own blood is something I've been doing for about 18 + days now and it's getting a bit old.(if only I had a camera. It would have made one cool picture) So any-who it's three some-thing in the morning, and I'm on my knees face in the ground crying. ( Yes! OK so I cry whenever I think of her. not to Andrew like, but FUCK MAN! I love her.)

So where was I? Oh yes. So as I'm on the floor I look up and see a hammer their. I stand up with tears roiling down my face thinking " This is worse than death." But fuck. Even though I want to die I'm not going to kill myself purely for the reason of others that might care about me (I can think of only 2) Fuck! I got side tracked again. SO ANY-----WHO I'm thinking sanity is too painful. When your crazy, nothing else really seams to matter. So what's the best way to bridge the gap between sane and completely crazy? That's right physical pain. Now normally I have I very high pain threshold, so in order for this to work I need something that goes beyond pain. I need something so painful even at my peak of depression my mind will be thinking "Holly Shit!!! this hurts!" and not "I can't believe I've lost ****** forever"

So I slowly pick up the hammer, clutching it with my left hand, body shaking, I raise my right arm and swing the hammer into my ribs. AHHHHHHHHH! as I heard the cracking of bone I drop to the ground harder than I did after reading ******'* note. (believe me, that's pretty hard and fast.)

Hears where it gets a probably a bit to disturbing for your liking. I'm lying on the floor kind of out of it, glanced up at the clock to see it's 4 in the morning, And I continue to lie their holding my ribs for about 15 minutes when I look around and see the hammer I dropped. Now I'm in immense pain and cant stand up. But suddenly I start laughing. It was kind of a chuckle at first, starting out with a big demonic grin and grew into an almost maniacal laughter of insanity. Perhaps it was the fact that Alyssa wasn't even on the farthest reaches of my mind, or sub-consciously punishing myself, but whatever it was (probably that I just crossed over into crazy town) I began to move. I crawled over to the hammer, picked it up again and stood up. I lifted my right arm once again letting go of everything, my regard for my health, of what people will think, and my sanity. Once more I drop, but this time only to my knees. As I sang a do-o of pain and laughter I looked to a mirror and notest something was different.

My eyes were of a blood shot image, and on my face I wore that of a smile of witch I've never seen before. Blood was dripping from my teeth and although I new something was wrong, I could not help but feel...... ....... Stronger.

One more time did I turn to the hammer while still on my knees I clutched a ledge as hard as I could and let loose the biggest flurry of wrath upon myself of witch I've never felt before. Repeatedly I drove the hammer into myself as hard as I could, until finally I simply could no longer do it. Collapsed from both pain and gratification of a job well done I lay on the ground struggling to breath as my mouth files with blood.

eventuality I mustered up the strength to climb upstairs and empty my mouth into the sink. witch lead to three hours of caufing up blood, and whatever thoughts of ****** remained.

But the real son of a Bitch is now that the blood has stopped flowing and the only pain I feel is when I try to breath, my only thoughts are........... I miss her so much.

Well their you have it.

Drew.

Re: rib story?, ok... here it is
Posted by LOST on Fri Apr 27 09:19:03 2001 (#6880)

that made me cry.

i wish i had a guy that loved me the way u love that girl.

(oh and just to let u know, her name is in there... u forgot to put the ****** on her name one time...)

Re: rib story?, ok... here it is
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 09:37:26 2001 (#6881)

FUCK!!!!!!!!!, god dammit son of a bitch Crap! Fuck!!!!!!!

I really should have read that over more carfully, ...... I'm an idiot

Re: rib story?, ok... here it is
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 27 10:43:23 2001 (#6882)

what's in a name? don't worry about it

yeah, most people could only wish for a love like that...though it always sucks when it ends...

Re: rib story?, ok... here it is
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 20:40:44 2001 (#6886)

That was very moving and disturbing at the same time. I could see myself doing something similar if I lost the object of my love. I hope you're all healed and better now, although I know that the emotional pain won't heal.. not right away at least. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

Lots of love,

Doris

Re: rib story?, ok... here it is
Posted by Linda on Thu May 3 15:47:46 2001 (#7114)

Ohhhhhhh Andrew!! I have read this post several times and it always makes me so queazy. I can't imagine how that must have felt but do you realize that all your pain has already been taken and you don't have to suffer like that. Jesus cared enough to die for it all and He has risen and gone back to heaven where He waits to hear your hurts and disappointments. He WANTS to hear them....as a matter of fact....He knows them already but He wants you to communicate them to Him. I am convinced that if you had the same committed relationship to Jesus Christ as you had to ******, you would be such a different person. There is NO ONE that loves you like He can love you. He formed you in your mother's womb. He knows how many hairs are on your head....why, do you know that the last time you saw a little sparrow fallen to the ground that your heavenly father knew about it and yet you are of more value to Him than that little sparrow. Let Him take you in His arms and minister to the scars, inside and out! You can't go wrong with Him!! Love in Christ, Linda

STOP FREAKIN' MESSIN W/MY MIND!!
Posted by whits on Fri Apr 27 17:45:18 2001 (#6883)

i am such a hypocrite....we had to do these speeches in class and i had to do mine on TA DA!!......self-inflicted harm...i had to get up in front of the whole class and say that i was against it when the night before i burned myself. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I FREAKIN HATE IT!!!!! HOW MUCH MORE HYPOCRITICAL CAN YOU GET??? to top it off, i spend months trying to get over some guy w/a gf only to have him call me last night and say, "Whits,...I STILL LIKE YOU", it was the hardest thing, working so incredibly hard to fix things between me and his gf, only to crash right into where i was b4, I DON"T WANT THAT!!! Steve know that i burn myself, why would he want someone with so many problems??? he knows only a little bit of all the hell that is goin on right now, and with what he told me i can't help but feel the same way back!!!!!!!! eeehhhhhhh, just one more burn..................

Re: STOP FREAKIN' MESSIN W/MY MIND!!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 18:09:47 2001 (#6884)

LOL, oh shit sorry. what can I say, the irony in you giving that speach is delicious. what I would have done is just not get up in front of the class and talk about it. or I would have argued with the teacher that it's not always bad and some people have no other way to realese themselves.(I'm just more open with the fact that I cut though, my whole class thinks it's just some Vampire thing.) and about the guy...... I don't really know what you can do. Probably the smartest thing is to tell him you have to much going on in your life, and ask him to give you your space untill you can get things figgerd out. but hey, sucks to be us.

Drew

Re: STOP FREAKIN' MESSIN W/MY MIND!!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 20:44:57 2001 (#6887)

I don't think you're a hypocrite. You can be a life-time smoker and know it's bad for you. Kinda the "do as I say not as I do" type deal. Don't be so hard on yourself... it would have been awefully hard to get up in front of the class and say "it's great! I do it all the time and that's perfectly okay!!" I think any of us would have said what you said.

Love and strength,

Doris

p.s.
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 20:46:28 2001 (#6888)

I just wanted to say that it took a lot of strength and courage to get up in front of the class and talk about something so personal. You should not feel like a hypocrite, but be proud that you could talk about it at all. I know I don't have that strength. Good for you.

Doris

MORE WITH MY MIND
Posted by whits on Mon Apr 30 18:09:43 2001 (#6957)

It's not that i had to argue with my teacher , i got a grade for standing up there, and trying to cinvince people that SI was the "wrong" thing to do, i think my teacher kinda caught on when i started to argue with ehr by saying, "you can't tell someone who burns themselves that what their doin is wrong, besides, what is right?" and she just looked at me, but i could read it in her eyes, i knew what she was thinking. I feel like a doll now, i only do thing when i'm told, i feel lifless, it's not for me anymore, it's all for them, and i can't stopa guing with myself. I can't be who i was and it is tearin me up. my mom foun dout that i burned again, she freaked out, she took my curling iron away, and said i can't use or be near nething potentially hot. she is takin' me to another shrink, yippee, adn she says if i don't stop, it's off to the mental hospital.....i guess it runs in the family, my uncle just got out of a clinic because he was a drug addict adn alchohol abuser, things really suck, when u can't stop......

hey hey hey....smoke weed everyday
Posted by Little baby nothing on Fri Apr 27 23:52:32 2001 (#6889)

whats so great bout religions when all they do is oppress you? you just have to follow every damn thing they say, and most of its a load of bullshit in the first place! im sorry, but i have to let this out after readin weazels msgs. its just such rubbish, religion why bother? id rather enjoy my life and go to hell than live life like a hermit and miss out on so much just so i can be even more bored in heaven! and actually, the bible IS full of contradictions. god is just a miserable old man from what i can see. im sorry if i offend anybodies, but its my opinion and im getting angry with stuff so i gotta let it out.

Re: hey hey hey....smoke weed everyday
Posted by LOST on Sat Apr 28 01:04:52 2001 (#6890)

hey, can u stop posting with that name cuz someone else posts with that name (though they rarely post)... just wondering.

Re: hey hey hey....smoke weed everyday
Posted by little baby nothing on Sat Apr 28 01:14:36 2001 (#6891)

what? nobody else posts here with this name, only me. i think your confused. theres only one of me, love me or hate me. im the person who rarely posts.

Re: hey hey hey....smoke weed everyday
Posted by Linda on Thu May 3 16:03:44 2001 (#7115)

Sorry "baby"...I haven't read your post until just now. You know that you have a right to your opinion but I hope you will give me an opportunity to maybe sway your thinking just a bit. #1.....there is not a thing that I HAVE to do but accept that Jesus is the substitute for my sins. He has already done it all in order to procure my eternal salvation. #2......when you accept Jesus, He gives you His Holy Spirit to reside in you to help you do whatever is needed to do. #3......are you really aware of what hell will be like? Hell was not created for you. It was created for Satan and his demons. But if you choose to reject Christ's offer of a free salvation, you choose to go to a place where you will FOREVER have the same desires and lusts that you have today and they will never be quenched....there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth for all eternity. You will still have the same pains and feelings. It will be no party. In heaven, those of us who have accepted that we are sinners with no hope of salvation alone, will have a new body. It will be a perfect body and we will worship the One who provided that for us. I promise you that in my mind as it is now, I can not begin to imagine what heaven will be like. It does sound a bit boring in this flesh, BUT

Re: hey hey hey....smoke weed everyday
Posted by Linda on Thu May 3 16:13:58 2001 (#7116)

Wow!! I hit the wrong button....BUT to continue.....I know Jesus Christ on a personal level and I know that He loves me and knows what is best for me. I can trust Him to have provided what will be total fulfillment for me in eternity. May I say one more thing. I do believe that the reason "religion"(and I HATE that word...because I mean a relationship...NOT religion, but I realize you mean it to be one and the same)is so detested by many here is because it is dealing with "control". Who will be in control of your life? Will you take control by harming yourself when you feel that you are unworthy or by letting the world know about your pain with marks that can be seen......or will you give up control and let Him have your body. He created it....He loves it more than you and He offers to make it perfect. I believe that is the bottom question. I have been here long enough to know that there are many reasons that cause a person to SI and I am making this way too simple but I still believe that the entrance of Jesus Christ into your life will give you hope and the Holy Spirit to help you in your fight against self harm. Some of you have mentioned the fact that smoking is the same and I would add to that gluttony, drugs, and any other habitual thing that we as humans do. Each one of those things is harming our bodies. They become habits that are VERY hard to break but that is the challenge of humanity: to give up control to One who wants the best for us and will help us with those struggles. Hoping for you a better day!

God - discuss
Posted by necrosis on Sat Apr 28 01:25:22 2001 (#6892)

Following on from Weazel here

'An all knowing, all powerful, all good god exists'

show me the evidence

(just a lighthearted tangent as I know many here have faith)

as long as you don't mind the rest of us finding holes!

Re: God - discuss
Posted by Linda on Sat Apr 28 06:20:32 2001 (#6894)

By all means....find all the holes you want!! I try to weigh my words carefully here because I know there are those that really are incensed by "religion" and I don't blame them at all. All the accusations that have ever been made have probably been well-founded, BUT the faith that I have is not in "religion" but in a person-Jesus Christ. It is imperative that Christianity is based on faith for without it, it is impossible to please God. I understand that many are not to a point where they have developed faith yet. There is nothing at all wrong with that. One thing I learned long ago is that God is unafraid of my questions! To anyone who is serious about a search into Christianity, I would suggest two books...Josh McDowell has written two very good books entitled "Evidence That Demands A Verdict" Vol I & Vol II. Another good book is "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. I am unsure of Mr. Strobel's faith at the time he wrote his book but he did it as an investigative journalist and it is very well done. Josh McDowell set about as an unbeliever to prove that it was all a hoax. He found it to be something that he could put complete trust in. If you are serious, then these books are musts. P. S. the "Evidence" books are not designed to read as a novel but rather as a research type work. LET THE RESEARCH BEGIN!!! YIPEE!!!!!!!!

Re: God - discuss
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sat Apr 28 07:27:19 2001 (#6895)

so, why exactly are we talking about religion on an SI bord?

Re: God - discuss
Posted by weazle on Sat Apr 28 19:01:18 2001 (#6898)

cuz its full of christian ppl and its better than "oh i want to die" unless of course u really do...then we wanna know. but its betta than attention grabbers, coughcoughcoughfallinghawkcoug hcough.

weazle
Posted by LOST on Sat Apr 28 22:08:10 2001 (#6903)

that was uncalled for girl. u didn't have to throw names in there. don't put her on blast. if u have something to tell her, then tell HER... cuz i don't want any of the drama back here. u could have said it just fine without the name.

and to thecutthathealedyesterday :) i dunno why we're talking about religion, but this board is wierd... u can talk about anything that u want here really... its just that everyone here has or does SI and thats why we're here, but thats not ALL that we ever talk about... so if u ever wanna bust out with some pointless stuff that has nothing to do with SI, do ur thang :)

ewww I hate the tast of my own blood.
Posted by thecuttha...fuck it, Drew. on Sat Apr 28 07:33:30 2001 (#6896)

ewww, ack! I bit a small chunk out of my toung and I've swallowed way to much. eeooohh, I feel sick, even after gargling salt it's still bleading and it sucks. anyone know how to make a toung stop bleading? (that's something I never thought I'd ask)

Drew :P <----ah, ma thung huths.

Re: ewww I hate the tast of my own blood.
Posted by LOST on Sat Apr 28 11:00:48 2001 (#6897)

awwww ur so adorable! lolol that thing at the end "ah, ma thung huths" that was CUUUUTEEEEEEEEEEE!

sorry, i have no good advice for that cuz i've never made my tounge bleed bad... but i just wanted to tell u that ur adorable

Re: ewww I hate the tast of my own blood.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun Apr 29 12:16:02 2001 (#6916)

ummmmm, thanks

Drew

Re: ewww I hate the tast of my own blood.
Posted by elle on Sun Apr 29 00:57:08 2001 (#6907)

just a warning, if you swallow too much blood it messes up the pH in your tummy and you puke

all you do is be yourself....
Posted by WeaZLe on Sat Apr 28 19:09:25 2001 (#6899)

hey....im sorry you guys but i probably wont be here as often, cuz i found out my parents are checking up my posts on here so i have to delete all knowledge of ever being here, then they wont have the addy, and neither will i but its likely ill be here a lot still. i might come back with a new name in which case ill email u all to let you know who i am. thanks all of you for being so great. i will be here a lot still but i gotta be careful to delete history and address's and everythin.... i love u all to bits, whether u annoy me or anything i still luv you...

my site!!!
Posted by WeaZLe on Sat Apr 28 19:17:34 2001 (#6900)

by the way, if anybody wants to talk to me otherwise or whatever, i have a website BUT you mustn't type my name anywhere on it becuz i have 2 sites and one my parents know about! the better one (although its not got much on it yet) is @ http://www.geocities.com/empty _blood/stars.html and the other one my parents know about is @ http:www.geocities.com/kinky_g oth_bitch/survivor.html (make sure SURVIVOR is ALL in lower case, or youll go somewhere else!)

anyway, please sign my guestbook and make me feel all needed and stuff! love y'all!

xxxxx

PAIN
Posted by XANAX on Sat Apr 28 21:07:00 2001 (#6901)

I HAVE SO MUCH PAIN INSIDE MYSELF.IT SEEMS THE ONLY WAY TO GET SOME OF IT OUT IS BY CUTTING. AND LET DRIPS OF BLOOD DRIP DOWN MT ARM.CAN WE EVER STOP THE CUTTING OR WELL IT TAKE OVER OUR LIVES.I FEEL SO ALONE ,DOES ANYONE EVER UNDERSTAND?

XANAX

Re: PAIN
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 28 21:45:40 2001 (#6902)

Of course we understand. That's why we're here - to help each other with the pain and to guide those that want to stop in the right direction. I, for one, stopped SI a few months ago (aside from a few isolated incidents) and I just post here mostly to try to help people.

Yes, you can stop cutting. You just have to want the help, and accept it when it's offered. It's not hard, you just have to trust that stopping is possible. I stopped, you can too.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: PAIN
Posted by ~cuttingscared~ on Wed May 2 01:31:47 2001 (#7038)

i understand, because i feel the same way as u do... dont think it ever stops..and even if u stop cutting..the thoughts dont go away. i stopped for a few weeks, and all i did was deal with my thoughts without cutting, which sucked..so i dunno what to tell u...but if u need to talk, just email me.

AHh!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Sat Apr 28 22:40:43 2001 (#6905)

I have had the worst day, i need to cut, i wanna cut,i neeeeeeeeeeed to! rar!! my mum is making my dad leave, she says to him "if you deonyt i will call the cops" ahh thisis so fucked up, so like my dads leaving, andi hate my mom, she is being soo selfish, she doens't understand, she thinks things will be better, she is only making them worse, i hate hate hate her, i hate hate hate my life why cant this all just go away, why cant i just go away?! rar!!!!!! i needa go find my blade..oo the thought of it makes me feel better, i cant escape this everlasting pain! !!

Re: AHh!
Posted by XANAX on Sat Apr 28 22:48:16 2001 (#6906)

I KNOW HOW YOU FEELING BUT TRY TO HANG ON FOR AFEW IF YOU HAVE TO CUT TO STAY ALIVE DO IT SOMETIMES ITS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP.

Re: AHh!
Posted by *me* on Sun Apr 29 03:01:03 2001 (#6908)

I know how you feel about your mom. My mom is a jerk sometimes. Just yesterday she called me a b*tch and told me that she's going to get back at me someday. Mind you, I don't really know what she wants to get back at me for. Anywho, I understand that parents can just make problems worse.

Lots of love

Re: AHh!
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 29 06:00:31 2001 (#6912)

I'm sorry your dad might leave. And I hate my mother too. Cut if you need to, but be super careful and stay safe with it. Stay strong.

Doris

um...i have this poem....
Posted by *me* on Sun Apr 29 03:03:46 2001 (#6909)

Yeah, I wrote a poem for like, the first time in my life. I guess I'm kinda hesitant to post it here. I don't know why. I've never written a poem before ever. I wrote two the other day, and one is about cutting. Does anyone want to read it? I'm really nervous about sharing it isn't that weird? Ok. Well, let me know if anyone cares.

Re: um...i have this poem....
Posted by black rose on Sun Apr 29 04:33:33 2001 (#6911)

I'd love to hear ur poetry...post ne time! I g2g! b*bye Christine

Re: um...i have this poem....
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 29 06:01:57 2001 (#6913)

I would love to read it. Please post it.... pllllllease? :-P

Re: um...i have this poem....
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun Apr 29 12:23:15 2001 (#6917)

Dude, look under Rib story by me(thecutthatneverheals) now that was felt weird posting it. just post your poem, It's not like anyone here is going to judge you.

Drew.

i screwed up again!!!
Posted by black rose on Sun Apr 29 04:30:01 2001 (#6910)

2day was both the worst and 1 of the best days of my life! I went out w/this guy I really liked and now I'm his gf...and I'm soo happy cuz of it! but my best friend likes him too and I didnt know that cuz she was obsessing over someone else...now she wont return my calls or even pick up the phone w/o hanging up on me! She started crying and got upset that I'm goin out w/him...but she didnt tell me that...I could hear her in the background when her mom picked up the phone! she never even told me she liked him and a few days b4 this she was trying to set us up! she's also mad bcuz I couldnt meet her somewhere 2day and I went somewhere w/my bf instead! I dont know exactly if that's the problem or not but that's what I think it is! I dunno what to do...she's my best friend and I want her to b happy...but I really wanna go out w/him! I also wanna stop cutting and this is tearing me apart! I dunno what to do! if u have ne suggestions or comments please tell me! thanx Christine

Re: i screwed up again!!!
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 29 06:07:09 2001 (#6914)

Chris,

That situation just sucks. It's like you have to chose between yoru boyfriend and your friend. My friends pulled a similar act - not because they liked him but for attention issues. I chose my boyfriend. And my friends got over it. They still talk to me and we're cool.

If going out with this guy will make you happy, then do it. I know you need that. Your friend will get over him soon enough and you'll be friends again. And besides, if she was a good friend she'd be happy for you.

I'm am SOSOSO happy to hear that you want to stop cutting!!! You know that's the first step. I know you can do it, Chris. Just think about your boyfriend! :) You're so strong, and I wish you the best of luck.

Love and strength,

Doris

Doris
Posted by blackrose on Mon Apr 30 00:17:26 2001 (#6925)

thanx...that's kinda what I needed to hear! thankyou...ur always there for me! Christine

Re: Doris
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 06:48:54 2001 (#6939)

awww, I'll ALWAYS be there for you, hun!!! If you need anything, email me. I'm here!! :)

Doris

Alana???
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 29 06:20:19 2001 (#6915)

Does ANYONE know where Alana is??? Every person I talk to hasn't talked to her in a while and she isn't posting. I'm so worried!!! Any information is appreciated. :-/

Doris

Re: Alana???
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun Apr 29 12:27:59 2001 (#6918)

Sorry, I'm new. I don't really know who anybody is :( I bearly know who I am.

Re: Alana???
Posted by blackrose on Mon Apr 30 00:20:01 2001 (#6926)

Alana, if u read this please post or e-mail me to let me know what's going on! I'm sry I haven't been here all that often but I wanna know what's going on! please tell...I will try my best to help! Christine

waiting for death?
Posted by Drew on Sun Apr 29 13:08:02 2001 (#6920)

..... It's 4 in the moring and I just got off my messanger. All I've been talking about is feelings that I've long since burried, or at least I thought I did.

fuck... I'm siting here typeing this trying not to cut........................ it's soooooooo hard. earlyer I was lying on the ground with my arms around myself because I felt like shoving a knife into me sooo badly....., knowing me I probably would. .... Fuck! what is wrong with me!!!!! I was doing ok and now just out of nowhere I'm a fucking pathetic mess.

sorry, I'm just wasting your time.

Re: waiting for death?
Posted by Jess on Sun Apr 29 17:01:27 2001 (#6921)

never a waste of time.not a pathetic mess.your still doing ok.we all get those feelings.yours are stronger at the min.chill.smile.i love you.stay safe. Jess

Re: waiting for death?
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 07:03:07 2001 (#6945)

How are you, Jess?

Re: waiting for death?
Posted by blackrose on Mon Apr 30 00:25:58 2001 (#6927)

ur not a pathetic mess...we all have those feelings! ur strong enough not to cut urself...u may slip 1ce in a while but we all do! we all know what ur going thru and it's good that u post and tell how u feel! keep posting christine

world domination
Posted by Clampo on Sun Apr 29 18:06:26 2001 (#6922)

the razors in the fields extend to the ends of the earth STOP Making my quest for freedom out of cutting STOP I will dominate the world and break free out of the cage STOP I will never reveal my true identity as this would lead to a public trial and eventually death... STOP

Re: world domination
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun Apr 29 22:03:42 2001 (#6924)

hey, that was realy good

Drew :)

Re: world domination
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 30 19:08:40 2001 (#6959)

wow!.heh x

Simon
Posted by necrosis on Sun Apr 29 21:03:37 2001 (#6923)

Just received e-mail from a mate of his. The computer Simon uses is defunct due to a virus so he can't post/e-mail anyone. He's still with us though & says he'll be in touch as soon as he his able

he's still not great, but we know he's about

I thought loads of you would have wanted to share your beliefs on the nature of gods existence as there are so many religious posts. Just fancied a diversion. Anyway, no prob

stay as safe as possible

love

Re: Simon
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 07:02:13 2001 (#6944)

Thanks for the info on Simon. But how are YOU, necrosis? You haven't been posting much and I haven't been online in a while so we haven't been able to talk. How are you? Talk to us. :)

Doris

Re: Simon
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 30 12:11:28 2001 (#6949)

thanks for the update

Hey-Help!
Posted by Selene on Mon Apr 30 01:23:41 2001 (#6928)

Hey Im new here. I've been cutting for a year and a half. This tuesday it will be two weeks since i have and thats the longest Ive gone in 8 months. I know should probably be proud but I feel so naked and sorta abandoned if that makes any sense. If it does, please help me. Im so lost right now.

~Selene

Re: Hey-Help!
Posted by *me* on Mon Apr 30 02:28:30 2001 (#6931)

Hey welcome, I'm fairly new to this board, too! I had to quit cuttinf for two weeks so that I could go for a physical, and it was terrible for me. Congrats on CHOOSING to stop, you're a lot stronger than me in that. Stay strong.

Lots of love

Re: Hey-Help!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Apr 30 03:33:27 2001 (#6934)

hello Selene, I'm also kinda new here, but yes what you say does make sence. I'm glad that you havent cut for a while, and I'm sure you'll be able to keep it up longer than most of us. i.e. me. not *me* but ME.

Any-who, welcome and good luck.

p.s. cutting is bad. (just fuckin with ya)

Drew:)

Re: Hey-Help!
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 06:54:07 2001 (#6940)

Selene,

Welcome. Congrats on your two weeks - that's a huge step!! I know it's hard quitting. I quit a while ago too. It's really hard at first but it gets easier. I hope you can keep it up and stay strong. Post here anytime - we're here to listen and support!! Lots of love

Doris

Well, here's my poem.
Posted by *me* on Mon Apr 30 02:36:23 2001 (#6932)

Yeah, well, I don't know how good it is. I'm always very critical of anything I do, so I of course don't think this is very good. But it was my very first attempt at writing poetry. If you all think it's bad just be like, "oh, that was.....nice....." lol. Well here you go.

LIQUID SADNESS Drip, drip, drip. The tears spring to my eyes. Drip, drip, drip. The blood springs to the surface. Drip, drip, drip. The warmth of the tears seep through my eyes. Drip, drip, drip. As the warmth of the blood seeps through my open flesh. Drip, drip, drip. And the tears flow. Drip, drip, drip. And so does the blood. Drip, drip, drip. The tears roll down my face now. Drip, drip, drip. The blood trickles down my skin. Drip, drip, drip. And as the tears fall. Drip, drip, drip. Some drop into the blood. Drip, drip, drip. And they mingle together. Drip, drip, drip. Their sadnesses intertwining. Drip, drip, drip.

Hey it didn't line up right!
Posted by *me* on Mon Apr 30 02:38:17 2001 (#6933)

It was supposed to be a line, and then a new line with drip, drip, drip, and then the next line, etc etc etc. Oh well. You get the idea. And liquid sadness is the title.

Re: Hey it didn't line up right!
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 06:56:11 2001 (#6941)

I liked it very much. I'd say keep on writing!!! :) Thanks for sharing.

Re: Well, here's my poem.
Posted by Linda on Mon Apr 30 16:12:58 2001 (#6953)

Hey there...just a word of encouragement. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are very talented. If you will let go of your self condemnation........well....ju st no telling what you could write. Post your second poem!

WANT MORE!!!!
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 30 19:12:16 2001 (#6960)

I wanna hear more!!!!!!!!!!! Jess x

Hey you all liked it???
Posted by *me* on Tue May 1 00:27:53 2001 (#6970)

Wow. I was like, Oh God they're gonna think I'm stupid. I am overly critical of myself. Well I'm glad you liked. I've never written poetry before, just one day I was sitting there and I just started to write it. I'm very happy you liked it, that kind of brightened up my crummy day!!

Lots of love

CUTTING EDGE
Posted by XANAX on Mon Apr 30 05:41:37 2001 (#6935)

PAIN IS WHAT I FEEL,I HATE MY LIFE ,SUICIDE SEEMS TO BE THE RIGHT THING.HOW MANY TIMES CAN I CUT MY ARMS UP.NONE OF MY FRIENDS CAN UNDERSTAND ME.I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF

XANAX

Re: CUTTING EDGE
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 07:00:39 2001 (#6943)

No, you shouldn't. I don't know your story, but suicide is not the answer. Pain is a temporary sensation. It WILL pass. It make take 5 hours or 5 years but it will pass. And it's worth it to wat for it to end. I waited, and I got through it in just a few years. It's so worth it to be on this side. To be free of the pain that was drowning me. It shall pass, my friend. Please don't leave us.

Love and strength,

Doris

uhm..
Posted by LOST on Mon Apr 30 06:20:47 2001 (#6936)

i'm just wondering if anyone even notices that i'm here... i've been here for well over a year and i'm wondering if i've worn out my welcome or something... i better shut up... now it seems like i'm looking for attention

Re: uhm..
Posted by XANAX on Mon Apr 30 06:44:07 2001 (#6937)

IM NEW TO THIS BUT FEEL FREE TO WRITE SAY WHATS ON YOUR MIND

Re: uhm..
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 06:58:18 2001 (#6942)

AAHHHH!!! You better not leave us, girl!! We LOVE you here! I was going to post tonight to ask where you've been - how are you? How are the wedding plans coming?? ;) Sorry I haven't been online much at all. I missed you, hun! Please don't leave us, we need you here. Plllllease???

Doris

Re: uhm..
Posted by Nuni on Mon Apr 30 08:00:36 2001 (#6946)

Hello Ms. "ive-been-here-for-over-a -year" well I have been around and lurking almost as long as you. I read a few posts "congrats and best wishes" in your marriage. NEENER NEENER NEENER.. Im still here just reading and not really posting. But I want you to know I always see you on line on IM but you are always busy doing other things MISS thing. I hope you are well and come over to other board and spread the good news wont you??? Well, this isnt my place anymore, but I hope you all are doing well!! as Melissa would say "Muah" Nuni

Re: uhm..
Posted by Maggie on Mon Apr 30 08:42:30 2001 (#6947)

No way dude! I LOVE clicking on your posts coz they always have something funny or outrageous to say. And that sorta grounds the seriousness of the board... In fact please write some more! We love you here!

Maggie.

Re: uhm..
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 30 12:23:07 2001 (#6950)

I know the feeling b/c I don't think that I matter in general...I've asked the board similar stuff but found there's no point...all of us here have problems that are brought out on or by the board...it helps us to let out what we want to, what we can and respond to messages that intrigue us enough to respond...I guess a reason why people don't connect as well is b/c we are all on our own quest and on different paths...we are also embarking on different futures and are at different stages in our life...

I don't remember any posts of yours in particaular nor really anyone else's here which probably seems self-centered, but I also have a bad memory in general so don't know which is the cause...I know I've enjoyed your company on the board and know you've responded to some of my messages...maybe I don't remember or take to heart what people say b/c I don't believe good things about myself, but they're always good to hear...I figure it's good to come here and fade in and out as your mood allows...take care and don't worry about your place here

Re: uhm..
Posted by Linda on Mon Apr 30 16:07:51 2001 (#6952)

Hey girlfriend......you know I love ya!!! Your place is forever engraved in this board.....no one could erase it if they tried!! I have watched you grow.....remember how indignant you were with me the first time!!! OHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh MMMMMyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! And to have you post something like you did that said you really didn't know why we were talking about religion either but it was ok......was a real step to me....because I KNOW how much you hate that kind of talk!!We have all grown as a result of the freedom of this place. Don't you ever leave!!!

Re: uhm..
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Apr 30 17:30:31 2001 (#6955)

of corse ppl. notice you're here. you were the first person to reply to my rib story. so at the very least I noticed.

Drew :)

p.e
Posted by greymouse on Mon Apr 30 16:44:11 2001 (#6954)

i need to know how i can get rid of fresh scars for wednesday.i can't have it off, i'm not allowed to wear a sweatshirt and i have no excuses to get out of P.E or to explain the scars, i'm totally desperate please help me,i dont know what to do

Re: p.e
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Apr 30 17:39:47 2001 (#6956)

..fuck.. I'm sitting here trying to think of something, but I can't. arrrrr. Personaly I don't care anymore who see's that I cut, it's great for keeping annoying prepy people away, and it lets ppl. like us know that we're not alone. but in your case...... fuck, put some alivera on it, and you might want to think about skipping P.E. sorry I couldn't be much of a help :(

Drew.

Re: p.e
Posted by greymouse on Mon Apr 30 18:42:19 2001 (#6958)

yeah,i'm gonna have to skip P.E cos i've just made newer cuts(i couldn't help it).i'm gonna 'fall',ie cut my knee real deep on wednesday so l'll have to go to hospital.i can't risk having anyone know i'm cutting again.thanks for your help anyway.

Re: p.e
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 30 19:19:35 2001 (#6961)

Can't you fake a note from you rents? say youve fallen down the stairs or summit.maybe cover the cuts with tubi grip or summit (what i do at work).Then again you could stand out for all those secret cutters and make it known to others that you've started again.Then there's no secrets and you can be helped.Good luck anyway.How come you started cutting again? Love Jess xx

Re: p.e
Posted by cate on Tue May 1 06:39:38 2001 (#6986)

put a ace bandage on your arm (or knee? or wherever) this will cover scars, and you can say you've sprained it and get yourself excused for a while, also long term put vitamin E on them, it helps them fade more, good luck *hugs*

Re: p.e
Posted by greymouse on Tue May 1 16:25:37 2001 (#7011)

i started cutting again because of school,i found it really hard to make friends and now i worry about my exams and other stupied stuff.

Re: p.e
Posted by carol on Tue May 1 23:42:04 2001 (#7032)

i don't have anything new to really suggest but i know vitamin E really helps a ton! i was wondering what ways you've used to get out of pe...i have to where shorts in pe and i cut up my thigh. yesterday i thought i was okay because my shorts covered a lot of it but as soon as we had to start running you could see it! i am new at cutting so it slipped my mind that when i run you'd really be able to see it all and i'm nervous my pe teacher is suspicious of something! help! thanks!

Re: p.e
Posted by greymouse on Wed May 2 15:01:03 2001 (#7066)

to get out of p.e i mostly faked letters saying i pulled a muscle in my leg or back ,i got hurt at kickboxing or i have a very bad period,you could write a note or pretend to be sick to get out early,you could 'lose' your shorts and have to wait to buy another pair,you could arive late during p.e with no gear or you could do what i done today and pretend to be ill to get the evening off,you could fake a nte saying you can,t do p.e because your waiting for news of your uncles major op,you could ask your teach to let you wear trousers because yur 'sensitve' about people seeing your thighs,i know them excuses are pathetic but trust me its better than them finding out the truth.chances are your teach wont say anything so dont worry too much about it if she does say,say you have a cat or been in a fight. you say you are new to cutting,can i ask why you cut?

Doris babe
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 30 19:28:49 2001 (#6962)

I'm doing alot better since i mailed you.Thanks for the help..No more suicidle thoughts.wow thats nice to say.No more....hmm.i started cutting again for a bit,just to ease the pressure i put myself in.Now i'm gonna try and go for a week without relying on my blade,instead,relying on my friends,boyf,and ppl who care around me.Had a strange day today,kinda bad.Not Gonna Cut!!!!! Love you Jess xx

Re: Doris babe
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 22:11:18 2001 (#6967)

Wow, Jess. You have NO idea how happy I was to read that. I am so incredibly happy for you that you're not having suicide thoughts anymore. And, I know, it feels SO good to say that! I'm so proud of you that you're getting better. And it sounds like you're going to try to stop cutting too - how amazing!! Aw, Jess, I am so happy for you. I can't get over it - I can't stop smiling! YEY! Hehe, good job, girl. You're gonna make it. :)

Lots of love

Doris

hi....um...yeah.
Posted by insignificant other on Mon Apr 30 20:35:02 2001 (#6963)

so yeah, here i am. i hate myself so much. i stoppped cutting for about three months and tried everything else i could think of in that time. there was nothng that compared to cutting tho. i thought i was doing really well. i thought i was passed it ll, but then during a p.e lesson i saw my friends arms, and i started talking to her bout it, and trying to persuade her to stop. but then i realised that i actually missed ahving some sort of proof that i was hurting, which was exactly what the cuts were. so anyway, i let all my friends down, they helped me get out of cutting, they listened to me crying my eyes out and 2am, they stood up for me at school, and then i let them all down, with one small piece of metal, i felt i betrayed everyone who ever had faith in me.

so yeayh, i wrote a poem , too, it's not that good, but if you think it's ok, tell me, and maybe i'll post some of my other ones too.

tears from my heart....cried from my wrist....dangerous pain....comforting bliss....you wouldn't see....tears from my eyes....taught not to hurt....too proud to cry....to myself i am lost....dying each day....the will to live....slipping away....maybe someday....i'll be happy again....find a longing for life....but until then....tears from my heart....cried from my wrist....dangerous pain.... comforting bliss

Re: hi....um...yeah.
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 30 21:34:33 2001 (#6965)

i like your poem.please post more.your situation seems similar to mine.from a very far out view.yeah post some more poems that was really good

Re: hi....um...yeah.
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 22:15:28 2001 (#6968)

Wow, that poem was amazing. Truly. Thanks for sharing and I hope you post more.

I know what it feels like when you think you've let everyone down. All my friends got together to stop me from cutting. And I did, for like a day. Then I started again - on my ankle instead of my wrist so they wouldn't see. I was so disguted with myself for letting them down. I know how you feel, but it gets better.

I just have one question - do you want to stop cutting again? Or are you happy cutting right now?

love and strength,

doris

hey
Posted by insignificant other on Tue May 1 19:44:26 2001 (#7019)

thanx 4 the compliments. it makes a pleasant change from most of the abuse i'm getting at the mo. i really wanna stop cutting, and i think i can, if i really put my mind to it, but there is so much other shit going on in my life. i've got exams all next week, someone i kniow has just gone into hospital, i'm not sure exactly what for, but it sounds quite bad, and i'm gonna visit her 2morro. even tho i havn't spoken to her for bout 5 weeks. my mother oesn't help either, she doesn't like any of my friends, and won't let me have any of them over, and they're all in different classes at school, so i only have break and lunch to see em, which isn't long enough. i'm not allowed in the medical room at school for the next month, i've been there 5 times in the past week, and each time i've sat with one of my friends and cried my eyes out. i don't have friends in any of my classes, and it's just so stressful. i'm so stressed at the mo that i've started getting headaches, but i don't wanna get any medication cos i'm afraid i might end up taking an overdose. cutting is my way of escape at the moment, but it makes me feel so bad after that i hate myself even more. i don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

Re: hey
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 21:15:18 2001 (#7021)

Wow, you've got a lot going on. I know what it's like to hate yourself after you cut. That's the reason I stopped, to get rid of that feeling. It's great - you stop for one day and you're SO proud of yourself... then two and it just builds. You get a lot more self esteem by stopping. You realize that you're a really strong person to come through this. Hating yourself after you cut is a great reason to stop. Think about how proud you'll be if you can go for a long time... or even a short time. Think about it.. and I know it's hard with so much going on.

Have you thought about going to see the counselor at your school? I'm sure they're quite used to people going to them about pressure and stress. Just a thought. Stay strong.

Doris

Re: hey
Posted by insignificant other on Tue May 1 22:33:09 2001 (#7029)

well, i would think about going to see a school counselor, if my schoool had one, but it don't. (not including the school nurse, who sorta acts like a counselor, i guess, but, i don;t trust her, and i dated her son!)that might have sometihng to do with the fact that i go to a shitty little all girls school somewhere in Twickenham (england) right next to the big rugby stadium thing, and my school is CHEAP! and no one wants to work there. i did go to see a counselor at this thing called OFF THE RECORD, but that kinda didn't help! one of my friends told me that i had to phone her if i ever felt that i needed to cut, so i did, at 2am, and i sat in my room on the phone to her, crying my eyes out, and telling her that i was such a bad person and i deserved all the pain, cos i've been told that all my life, and if everyone says it, it's gotta be true! i'm just so glad she managed to talk some sense into me. then at school the next day i got big hugs from everyone! that helps too, so BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL!!!! hugs help....yeah, ok....i'm gonna go now, but i'll be back, i promise.

now for a little bit of publicity....CHECK OUT WEAZELS WEBPIGE, ITS PINK....IT RULES!!!!!!

Re: hey
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 06:50:28 2001 (#7049)

Wow, that's a shame your school doesn't have a counselor. And I'm glad your friend helped you feel better. I hope it lasts. Stay strong.

Re: hi....um...yeah.
Posted by *me* on Tue May 1 00:36:28 2001 (#6971)

I LOVED YOUR POEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD JOB! I'd like to hear more.

Welcome to the board.

Lots of love

Re: hi....um...yeah.
Posted by anona1 on Tue May 1 10:14:44 2001 (#6997)

I like it...very lyrical...thought about writing music?

....
Posted by ??? on Mon Apr 30 20:36:35 2001 (#6964)

how will you know i'm hurting..if you cannot see my pain..to have it on my body..tells what words cannot explain

Re: ....
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 30 21:36:08 2001 (#6966)

exactly.x

Re: ....
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 22:16:31 2001 (#6969)

Wow... I'm speechless.

Hey everyone be proud of me!
Posted by *me* on Tue May 1 00:42:11 2001 (#6972)

I didn't cut today even though I wanted to! I debated about doing it, because I had a really awful day and I feel like a complete idiot and failure and a useless person, but (so far) I haven't cut. I picked off all of my scabs, but I didn't cut. And I know that sounds like a stupid little thing, because I really don't think I can stop at this point in my life, and I know that sometime this week I probably will cut, but I was still very proud of myself for being able to cut today and not actually doing it. I haven't taken my shower yet though, and the thought of the razor sitting there is getting to me. I don't know if I'll cut later. Well I'm going into a ramble now, but I just thought some of you might be proud of me...for now...

Re: Hey everyone be proud of me!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Tue May 1 00:45:35 2001 (#6973)

Yay!! i am proud of you, i wish i could be that strong!! keep up the good work, YAY!! stay strong!!

Re: Hey everyone be proud of me!
Posted by Jue on Tue May 1 02:51:31 2001 (#6976)

I am soooo proud of you. That is great everyday counts. If I take a bath I usually cut,(so I avoid the bath) but this weekend I was at someone's house where you had to bath and I really really am trying not to cut. Anyhow I took all the razors out of the bath. I didn't cut!!!!!!! I still had to be super quick though or I would have dug my fingernails into my arm or bit or something. Anyways that is soooo cool for you. Love you and take care. Julie

Re: Hey everyone be proud of me!
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 03:04:48 2001 (#6979)

I'm very proud of you, *me* and Julie - both of you! You're right, every single day counts. If you can go for one day, try two, then three, and so on. It's a huge step, I'm so proud of you!!! :)

Doris

Nevermind don't be proud I'm a freaking dork.
Posted by *me* on Tue May 1 21:55:21 2001 (#7026)

I actually thought I could go without cutting even though I wanted to and knew I could. Stupid thought, huh? When I took my shower I just started to think about what an awful day it was, and I saw my razor sitting there and I just cut. And then this morning I took my curling iron and burned my leg. And now I just feel stupid for posting that, for thinking I could actually be that strong. So just ignore me because I don't think I'm really worth anyone's time. Thanks for believing in me, though, I only wish I could have that faith in myself.

Lots of love

Re: Nevermind don't be proud I'm a freaking dork.
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 06:53:00 2001 (#7050)

Don't feel stupid! You posted that because you were proud of yourself, and you're right to be! Everyone stumbles on the way... it's only human. PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself. You did a good job. Now, next time, go for longer. Please be proud that you could go without it at all and not ashamed that you went back. (I guess that's good advice for me too.) Stay strong.

Doris

well...... goodbye for now :(
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Tue May 1 01:59:08 2001 (#6974)

hello bord. I know I haven't been here that long but some of you have really tried to help, so thanks. The thing is however, as I write this I'm looseing lots of blood and to be honest I don't think I'm going to live threw this. which is good I suppose...(I think thats what I wanted).... but I'm getting dizzy and it really hurts.

Any-who.. thanks for all the suport, who knows maybe I'll be fine. (that was to hummor Doris) realisticly, I hope you all do better than me. I know you will because you are all stronger than me.. well, I suppose I should probably lie down somewhere. good by and good luck with your lives, be happy for me. I'm finaly free :)

Drew.

p.s. I never did get a chance to say goodbye to lys. please send her my apologies.

Re: well...... goodbye for now :(
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Tue May 1 02:54:52 2001 (#6977)

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooo i'm gonna cry!! ooo my gawd!! noooo! i am gonna cry, oh no

Re: well...... goodbye for now :(
Posted by Jue on Tue May 1 02:58:43 2001 (#6978)

I REALLY REALLY hope you are okay. I went away this weekend but I read your posts. I was touched by them, just by reading them I think you are someone I would like to get to know so I hope that I can and that you are all right. I don't think death is all that it is cracked up to be. PLEASE PLEASE be reading this and get help. There is hope please be careful. Take care of yourself, you ARE worth it. be strong. love a very worried julie.

Re: well...... goodbye for now :(
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 03:08:11 2001 (#6980)

I'm praying you're still with us. Please don't leave us. Each person was put on this earth for a reason, and if you end your life prematurely then there will be a hole in the world where you used to be. You will be missed, please don't leave us.

Doris

Re: well...... goodbye for now :(
Posted by nec on Tue May 1 03:21:08 2001 (#6982)

hope you stay strong. I know the feeling, been very close myself. The past fades in the future. Just sincerely hope you stay with us to see that

love & hope

Re: well...... goodbye for now :(
Posted by greymouse on Tue May 1 16:33:18 2001 (#7012)

i really,really hope your okay,i doubt i know anything about you except you tried to help me but i would like to know more about you so i hope and pray that you'll be allright no matter what happens.

Re: well...... goodbye for now :(
Posted by LOST on Tue May 1 23:35:46 2001 (#7031)

i'm sad that you're gone without me ever getting a chance to know u... u seemed like someone that was VERY worth getting to know... if u do happen to make it through this, then i hope we can talk someday

We'll find freedom.
Posted by Jue on Tue May 1 03:09:24 2001 (#6981)

First I want to say hi to everyone that is new here(i hope Drew is reading this). You all have my support.

Right now I think that we must find freedom and that does not come from the blade. I feel slightly trapped at this moment because if I cut I get sent straight to the hospital (i can't cut shallow) and will have to go through the whole shrink process, which i can't stand.

Anyways i believe that we will find freedom in life. I don't think suicide will bring freedom as cutting won't either. Right now i am a slave to cutting, but i am trying with all my being to escape. But fact is i like the slave driver. But i think we can get through this and we can get above to purity and hope. that is my goal and i am putting everything i have into it. So here's to stopping in my quest for freedom.

I hope evryone is safe and that we find hope. Love to all. Julie

ps EXERCISE CAUTION

Re: We'll find freedom.
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 07:22:45 2001 (#6988)

Julie,

First of all - Amen to that. Secondly, you're a very talented writer. :)

Good luck - I hope you find freedom soon.

Door
Posted by necrosis on Tue May 1 03:50:54 2001 (#6983)

I'm Ok Dorris. Relationship with girfriend rocky as hell. Self harmed a couple of times since my casualty trip - but just lots of surface cuts

in that sticky situation of loving someone so much u can't contemplate a life without them, yet they destroy your very being. Oh yes, bad poetry looms!!!

take care all

oh, I did try a brief jog (M.E.) The funeral for my legs is on Saturday

lovexxxx

Re: Door
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 07:25:18 2001 (#6989)

How many times do I have to tell you that my name only has one "r" in it?? geesh. Anyway, how has she "destroyed your very being"? What happened? I know it was always a bit rocky, but has something specific happened recently? If you want to email me (if you don't feel like posting really personal stuff on here) that's cool. Hope to hear from you soon.

Lots of love

Doris

Re: Door
Posted by anona1 on Tue May 1 10:19:05 2001 (#6998)

hey...it was good to hear an update now that Colin's not here to give me them...since our paths haven't really crossed...but before I start getting all down I'll go so I can write my weird message

anyone know about Colin?
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 15:02:59 2001 (#7009)

Does anyone know if Colin left already? I know a few people here talk to him on a regular basis, so I'm just checking. I hadn't talked to him in a few days and now I think he's gone. I hope I didn't miss him :(.

Doris

Re: anyone know about Colin?
Posted by anona1 on Wed May 2 09:55:16 2001 (#7062)

I talked to him last Thur...he left sometime this past weekend

Re: anyone know about Colin?
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 18:22:30 2001 (#7074)

Oh, ok. Thanks.

Re: anyone know about Colin?
Posted by Maggie on Thu May 3 12:02:54 2001 (#7113)

Colin left on last Saturday :(

Sylvia Plath
Posted by elle on Tue May 1 04:29:04 2001 (#6984)

i know i am kinda forgotten here because i have been too depressed to read posts and reply, but welcome to all the new people.

Does anyone know if Sylvia Plath SIed? I think i heard that somewhere but i don't know if its true....i love her work. i love the one line from "Lady Lazarus"

"Dying / Is an art, like everything else. / I do it exceptionally well."

Re: Sylvia Plath
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 07:27:09 2001 (#6990)

I was wondering where you've been. What's wrong? Why are you so depressed? If you're too down to share, that's cool. I'm just very concerned for you. Please stay strong - I know you're a strong soul.

(And I don't know about Sylvia Plath)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Sylvia Plath
Posted by Nuni on Tue May 1 08:01:02 2001 (#6994)

You dont know me, I use to post.

Sylvia Plath also wrote Bell Jar you would enjoy that. I dont know if she ever SI'ed but I know that she committed suicide...

Re: Sylvia Plath
Posted by elle on Tue May 1 13:15:41 2001 (#7003)

yeah, i love the bell jar....

Re: Sylvia Plath
Posted by anona1 on Tue May 1 10:22:01 2001 (#6999)

I love a lot of her stuff...

here's what I know about her...I don't know if she SIed...I do know that she made several suicide attempts but always expected to be saved (by her lover I think) but when she actually committed suicide with her head in an over, her lover just didn't get there in time...

sylvias suicide
Posted by girl on Mon May 7 12:15:58 2001 (#7256)

her lover was ted hugues he was the poet lauriet over in england for a while they had kids together and one night she put them to bed with some cokies aand a tray of milk and went downstairs and put her head in the oven she thought the person in the flat downstairs would save her bt they were late home as was ted and she died.sorry i dont know if she SIed. love girl

anyone read "Beloved"?
Posted by elle on Tue May 1 04:34:15 2001 (#6985)

OCD torture, stuck in my head:

I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.I am elle and she is mine.

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!! IT IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: anyone read "Beloved"?
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 07:28:31 2001 (#6991)

Do you have OCD??? My sister and my father have it and I was diagnosed with traces of it.

Re: anyone read "Beloved"?
Posted by elle on Tue May 1 13:16:56 2001 (#7004)

yeh i do

Re: anyone read "Beloved"?
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 15:01:00 2001 (#7008)

I'm sorry to hear that. My sister and dad have it really bad. They check things, and obsess over things they've said ("Oh was, that the right thing to say or did it hurt his feelings... should I have said this..?"). It gets so frustrating just to be around them (that sounds bad, but you know what I mean), I can't imagine what it's like to live like that. My OCD was just basically my obsessive thoughts about suicide. It was all I thought about, talked about, wrote about... everything in my life revolved around it.

Your post reminded me of something I wrote in my journal. I wrote "I don't want to be alone" for about two pages. I know it's frustrating to have one thought in your head repeating over and over. I know you're strong. I'm hoping you can overcome it and not let it control your life. God speed.

Doris

OCD question
Posted by *me* on Tue May 1 22:04:40 2001 (#7028)

Doris I ALWAYS obsess over things I've said or done! I always think everything I've done was the wrong thing to do. I'm always asking my friends if they think I did the right thing or if I should have done something else or whatnot. And I am very paranoid about things. And then I always get angry at myself for thinking I've done something wrong, or for being so freakin paranoid. Is that OCD? I never even thought of that before.

Lots of love

Re: OCD question
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 06:56:22 2001 (#7051)

Hmm... I honestly can't tell you. If you do it to a GREAT extent and it really frustrates you I suggest seeing a doctor. Maybe you can come up with ways to relax and not to obsess over every little thing. Honestly, it does sound a little like my dad and sister... so maybe you have traces of it. Don't get scared, it's not fatal or anything. :-P But if you're concerned, I say see a doctor.

I dunno, maybe elle could answer that question better.

Doris

Re: OCD question
Posted by *me* on Wed May 2 21:50:41 2001 (#7088)

Oh it's not horribly bad or anything. I just am paranoid about stuff I do, and making decisions and things like that. But I'm ok, I'm not ready to go see a doctor or anything. Thanks for the help though :-)!

Lots of love

Re: OCD question
Posted by Linda on Fri May 4 15:27:38 2001 (#7159)

Sometimes I believe personality plays a big part in obsession. If you happen to be a person that is perfectionistic and you live with a controlling parent who is critical I would think that would cause you to be extremely critical of yourself to the obsessive point. Anyone else agree?

Re: OCD question
Posted by *me* on Sat May 5 02:43:40 2001 (#7216)

Yeah that probably is part of it, if not the entire reason. I am a total perfectionist, and I hate myself if I don't do things right. And no one would ever believe how critical my mother is of me. Seriously.

Lol it's just that I was reading those posts about OCD and I was like, hey that sounds like ME!

Lots of love

You are elle, and you can stop
Posted by Maggie on Tue May 1 08:08:54 2001 (#6995)

Oh Elle!!!

I used to have OCD like that... It was torture... I had it ever since I can remember, and it got at it's worse at age 15. I would compulsively have to drink floor cleaner, check things over and over and over and over and over again before I could sleep and just hundreds of other rituals.

I managed to get rid of most of my OCD symptoms for the last 5 years, but unfortunately it was basically replaced by SI instead. I started cutting each day in substitute for the OCD rituals.

It worked out well... I prefer SI to OCD anyday, but it must be really horrible to suffer from both so badly.

Love Maggie.

Oh Shit
Posted by Selene on Tue May 1 07:03:23 2001 (#6987)

I dont think i can hold out much longer. Im obsessing over it and i cant stop. I keep thinking of the blade and my skin and i must be going completly over the edge. Its starting to scare me. I even think of it when i do the dishes and i come across a knife, its just there and it wont go away. I try to use good coping skills like everyone tells me and i try and i try but they dont help. It's like theres a huge razorblade wrapped around my brain so the only thing I can think about is it. Oh, and FINALLY a place im understood. Thanks. ~Selene

Re: Oh Shit
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 07:30:51 2001 (#6992)

I wish I had some words of comfort, but I'm afraid I don't. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. And that, by posting here and admitting you have a problem, you're obviously a very strong person. Just dwell in that strength and you can get through this. Please stay strong and be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

another poem... sorry if I'm boring you guys
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 07:33:22 2001 (#6993)

I wrote this poem because I hate my home life.

I don’t want to die, I just want out.

The kind of escape and freedom you can only read about.

“Love” and loyalty are shackles on my wrists.

Obligation and duty beat me down with iron fists.

All I want is to take a long, cleansing breath.

Finally, to be free like the rest.

When is it my turn to unleash my wings?

Or are we all just puppets dancing under the strings?

I could see beyond tomorrow if I thought I could escape.

From this place that destroys my spirits day after day.

Am I sentenced to this place, this state of mind?

No, I think it’s time to leave it all behind.

Re: another poem... sorry if I'm boring you guys
Posted by anona1 on Tue May 1 10:25:10 2001 (#7000)

can relate to a lot of that...

Re: another poem... sorry if I'm boring you guys
Posted by gurl on Wed May 2 00:18:35 2001 (#7035)

i really understand what you are talking about...i just want to say that you are a really talinted writer and i really enjoy your poems.

Re: another poem... sorry if I'm boring you guys
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 06:57:21 2001 (#7052)

Wow, thanks. That just made my day. :)

to everyone that responded to my last post.
Posted by LOST on Tue May 1 09:43:24 2001 (#6996)

hey u guys... thanks for responding to my last post and not making me feel like a retard. and to nuni and doris and i THINK linda... i'm not getting married anymore... LOOOOONNNNGGG story... but yeah... theres been a lot of drama around here (stupid stuff). anyway, i cann't keep my eyes open any longer so i'm out. bye

Re: to everyone that responded to my last post.
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 14:45:19 2001 (#7005)

aww, I'm sorry to hear that

Re: to everyone that responded to my last post.
Posted by melissa on Wed May 2 23:36:53 2001 (#7095)

i love you girl. i realize your here, but i myself havent been here in a while. i love you. if you ever need someone to talk you im here for ya babe.

your girl always, melissa

weird, sorta good, weird day, week, whatever
Posted by anona1 on Tue May 1 10:38:25 2001 (#7001)

okay, so I went the wrong way on the train last week and had to backtrack (at least I'd never been to the area before so wasn't completely stupid)...showering later that night in my dorm, turned around to see a 2-3" roach on the shower curtain (chills...I'm okay with bugs, but not raoches)...okay, that was last week...

tonight I ordered in dinner and went to the tv room to eat it and this wasp was flying around and driving nuts, thought I killed it, but it fell behind something and later came back to life...after eating half my soup, I happily came across a hairy roach leg (chills, gag) and my stomach killed for the next half hour...I don't know whether to be mad, annoyed or grossed out at having to live with these things (I've found a whole roach in a soup I was eating once before)...uch...roaches...yet another reason not to live...I'll repeat, uch...

anyway, for the sorta good part...informed that a poem of mine (don't know which of 3) got into an intercollegiate magazine...I got in once before out of a few tries but that poem was so detatched...this year I only sent very significant personal ones which was hard to do but I figured what the hell...so I was asked to read it at a reading of everything that got in...I've done readings before but I get nervous plus have a lot of work to do...so I don't know if I'm talking myself out of it b/c of nerves or pressure...if it's nerves, then I'd be frustrated and want to make myself do it, but if it's work, I wouldn't want to sacrifice grades for something I don't have to do...but it's also the most personal stuff I've ever submitted so don't know...so, I just asked how late I could let them know...well, that's it... Rachel

Re: weird, sorta good, weird day, week, whatever
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 14:55:29 2001 (#7007)

I hate bugs too. >

Congratulations about your poem!!! That's huge, you should be really proud of yourself. I've never submitted anything of mine because I'm too much of a chicken and don't have enough self esteem about my poetry. You should be really proud that you have that strength - to submit something so personal. I'm really happy for you. About the reading, that's really amazing too. I wish I could offer advice about whether or not to do it, but I don't know your situation - it sounds like you've got a LOT on your mind. I think it would take a LOT to get up there and read something so personal. I don't know if I could do it. Anyway, I hope you find comfort in deciding one way or the other. And again, congratulations. I'm really happy for you. :)

Re: weird, sorta good, weird day, week, whatever
Posted by anona1 on Wed May 2 10:02:31 2001 (#7063)

thanks...I got over being afraid to submit and read most stuff about 7 years ago...started writing about 9 ago... only weird thing is I don't know whether to tell my mom or not if I got in...b/c all the poems I submitted are harsh and she'll just overreact, so I guess it'll depend which one...

but my time would be better spent doing something else...I just sorta want to go read to prove to myself that I can...I test myself like that now and then...haven't had the guts yet to sing on a street corner in ny...will have to see about that...I'd just crack up

Re: weird, sorta good, weird day, week, whatever
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 18:24:17 2001 (#7075)

Well, good luck! I'm sure you'll be great.

Re: weird, sorta good, weird day, week, whatever
Posted by rosis of nec on Wed May 2 00:31:29 2001 (#7036)

Hey - told you you wrote well. Give yourself a pat on the back

xxx

e-mail you tonight

i'm new but i really need advice
Posted by tabitha on Tue May 1 12:27:51 2001 (#7002)

hello, im very new here but i really need some advice. i haven't cut since january but i'm worried i'm gonna start again because i have so much pressure to get good grades at university this term. also i cant stop pulling my hair out. i want to get better but i dont know where to go to get help. could someone tell me where to start because the urge to start again is growing by the day. (this is in the uk)i'd be very grateful. (i hope this isn't too presumptious or anything)

Re: i'm new but i really need advice
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 14:50:41 2001 (#7006)

I'll be honest with you, I know next to nothing about the UK. But, I can tell you how to get help.

You can go the therapy route. Sometimes this isn't necessary because there's no underlying emotional problems behind the SI. If there are (I really don't know your story) then I suggest therapy. Not only can you address your problems, but you can come up with new ways, with your therapist, to dealing with your problems and pressure.

Or, you can go the medication route if you desire. I have a medication (one of my four - oy!) that is a mild tranquilizer that supresses the urge to cut. It really works, too.

I would suggest some coping methods for the pressure you have on yourself, but I'm no therapist. I suggest at least you see a counselor at your university. I'm sure they're well-trained in helping people with pressure!

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I hope some of this helps. Stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: i'm new but i really need advice
Posted by Selene on Tue May 1 19:53:26 2001 (#7020)

Im new here too, your obvoiusly very strong to have not cut for that long, ive only gone 2 weeks and already im going nuts, anyways, everytime i get the urge to cut i try to stay positive and if that doesnt work I use coping skillls. Im not saying this will work for you, just trying to help. Like last night, I had to write in my journal and that didnt help, so I took a shower, and that didnt help, then I listened to music, then I drew. Its a pain in the ass, but finally the thought went away. Hang in there. ~Selene

Re: i'm new but i really need advice
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 21:17:52 2001 (#7022)

Selene,

I just wanted to say congratulations on your two weeks. That's a huge step. You should be really proud of yourself. Good job! I'm really happy for you. :)

Doris

Re: i'm new but i really need advice
Posted by tabitha on Wed May 2 18:27:00 2001 (#7077)

thanx for what you said, its weird that someone actually knows how i feel. and no ones ever described me as strong before either, thanks xtabitha

mememe
Posted by elle on Tue May 1 19:10:55 2001 (#7013)

make it stop, i can not survive but i cannot die...words can not articulate my pain. i pretend to be happy and it kills me...

to die a thousand deaths and still survive

Re: mememe
Posted by Jess on Tue May 1 19:23:59 2001 (#7015)

stay living.you can die anyday.stick around summit good might happen (will,honest even if it's just a smile)lots pretend to be happy (i've mastered the art well) but to be true to yourself you have to show how you feel. love you Jess x

Re: mememe
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 21:22:33 2001 (#7023)

Don't pretend to be happy. I'm sure a lot of your pain is in the two-sidedness. Go around being miserable - who cares? Who do you have to impress? When people know (or think) you're miserable, they tend to get off your back. That's what I've noticed at least. That's just a thought.

I can't make the pain go away by saying "It'll all be ok!" but I'll be praying for you. Stay strong and be well.

love and strength,

Doris

Re: mememe
Posted by Angel on Tue May 1 22:01:52 2001 (#7027)

girl, u aint mailed me in ages. i'm getting worried. xx

Nothingness
Posted by Jess on Tue May 1 19:20:01 2001 (#7014)

why is it when i'm supposed to feel summit i dont? it's really starting to annoy me now.Summit happened today that should have upset me.well,it did.I balled for a full 5 mins.But after i couldnt manage to conjure up any emotion known to man.Want to cut to feel something.That walls built its self back up again.Oh well.life go's on Love Jess x

Re: Nothingness
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 21:26:37 2001 (#7024)

Jess,

That's odd - you've lost your emotions when you stop cutting. I think dettachment is good to a point. If you can't get upset then you probably can't get happy, and that's not good. However, on the flip side, people say I'm too emotional - that I care for everyone too much and I let the slightest thing bother me. It's not great on this side either. :-P

I'll be praying that you can stay strong and stop yourself from cutting. I'm really proud that you've come this far. You can do it, you're a strong soul.

Lots of love,

Doris

Drew
Posted by Doris on Tue May 1 21:29:27 2001 (#7025)

Drew,

I'm hoping and praying that you're still alive. I hope that the reason you haven't been posting is because you're in the hospital getting better or something. Please post if you're reading this. I know I'm not the only one worried SICK about you. We love you.

Doris

i'm new...here's an "intro"
Posted by carol on Tue May 1 23:34:50 2001 (#7030)

hey! i just found this sight today...it's really helpful. it's so nice having people listen to your questions or story or whatever and then respond to it! well, i thought that i should maybe introduce myself and all like drew did... i'm 16 and a sophomore in highschool. this year i was "formally" diagnosed with having moderate/severe depression. i flipped out my therapist when i told him that i thought about suicide and all so he had my parents bring me to a psychologist to give me drugs. i was on 30 mg of prozac for month or so but then i flipped my therapist out again because i told him i had been looking up suicide methods and stuff like that on the internet so he sent me back to the psycologist and she increased the prozac to 40 mg and added 250 mg of wellbutrin to it. it's not helping any...during all this the possibility of me being hospitalized was brought up which i didn't know how to react to it. i felt almost embarrassed but kinda hopeful that if i did go it would speed things along. plus i am nervous that it would be like an awful experience which i don't need. but the possibility of a hospital was kinda gotten rid of for at least the time being because the effectiveness of a couple days wouldn't do much good. whatever though...if you guys have the time and feel like telling me anything about hospitals and whatever i would really like to hear...i just don't know what to think about stuff because a lot of it i haven't tried yet. well, thanks for reading this (sorry it's so long) but i hope this helps you kinda get to know me sort of...i'm really looking forward to being a part of this. it just makes me kinda excited to see if this really is a good place to come!

Re: i'm new...here's an "intro"
Posted by Jue on Wed May 2 03:57:51 2001 (#7040)

Hey Carol. Welcome. My opinions of hospitals isn't very good so you might not want to hear it, but i have learned that you meet good people and bad people everywhere. I have had nurses be very rude to me because my injuries were self-inflicted. But I have had doctors that were very kind and that have moved me to stop. So the good comes with the bad. take care. julie

Re: i'm new...here's an "intro"
Posted by Maggie on Wed May 2 06:37:28 2001 (#7048)

Thanks for joining us here! It is a great place to come for support and to talk about crazy things, without the consequence of increasing meds or admission to hospital.

I don't know much about hospitals, although my shrink tried to persuade me to voluntary go to one. There's no way I could though, coz then my parents would find things out, and they are completely clueless about any of my mental problems. But apart from that huge obstacle, I would probably like to go, because you can focus on just getting better... without hassles that you usually have to deal with.

Hope you hang around this board, Maggie.

Re: i'm new...here's an "intro"
Posted by carol on Wed May 2 19:27:53 2001 (#7081)

thanks guys...maggie, i totally love the part about this that you CAN talk about whatever WITHOUT being sent to a hospital or increasing or changing the drugs.

i am so, so glad that i found a place like this...people really take the time to answer my questions which i really appreciate...it makes me feel cared about. thanks everyone!!

Re: i'm new...here's an "intro"
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:22:48 2001 (#7060)

This is a wonderful place to vent and to share without being judged. We all love and support here. So, welcome to the family, sister! :)

Doris

confused
Posted by gurl on Wed May 2 00:08:47 2001 (#7033)

i am so confused. i am cut myself and i want to kill myself because i want to prove to myself that i can....i can't do anything else, so i might as well do that (i try, and i keep doing better each time..lol...i don't know if i am strong enough to, but i will keep trying until i do it) it is sort of wierd because i don't think that i want to die, but sometimes i just can't help it....do any of you guys know what i mean? everybody knows me as a really happy and upbeat girl, so i have to keep pretending that i am...i am way more confused, angry, sad, and sometimes even almost histairical....

what do u guys do when someone is anoying you so much (my little brother) that you feel like you are going to explode on him? i know that it is not just him that is anoying me, so i try not to explode. i don't know what to do that could help me...so if you guys (and girls) know of anything please tell me it.

Re: confused
Posted by Jue on Wed May 2 04:02:12 2001 (#7041)

Hi. I totally know what you mean of doing something just to prove that you can. I get angry if I ever don't cut as deep as usual or deeper. It is always a challenge, but please please be careful. just realize that you can do it but the strength is in NOT killing yourself. Be take care. love julie

Re: confused
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:02:38 2001 (#7053)

Julie's right. At first, I wanted to kill myself just to prove I could do it. I thought that meant I was strong. And I thought being able to SI meant I was strong too. But, refraining from these urges is what makes us strong. I hope you stay strong and well. Please be careful in everything you do.

(No advice about the little brother thing - I'm not good with dealing with anger! :-P)

Love and strength,

Doris

**
Posted by ** on Wed May 2 00:12:24 2001 (#7034)

to weak to go on

to weak to concentrate on the future

to weak to get up and find some help

to weak to keep breathing

to weak to hurt myself

to weak, that's what I am and what I'll always be

Re: **
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:05:19 2001 (#7054)

In my experience I've noticed that the ones who think they're the weakest turn out to be the strongest. That's my experience anyway. I'm sure you're not weak - you're strong enough to post here (and by doing so admitting you have a problem). Find your strength, I know it's there.

Love and strength,

Doris

I am in WAY too deep
Posted by ~cuttingscared~ on Wed May 2 01:26:56 2001 (#7037)

okay, so i have been cutting since september, and recently i had stopped for maybe 4 weeks. But, now, i just redid my whole lower arm. i have lost feeling in my wrist from cutting it so much. im so scared cos if people find out, i think they mite send me away. does anyone know if they send people like me away? the reason i do it is b/c i hate myself so much. im just not good enuff. and recently i have made a new enemy who is dissing my body badly and i am trying to be strong, but when i found out what they said, i just starting cutting immediately. whats gonna happen to me? i have this perfect family and perfect life...im so afriad im gonna tear apart my family. sometimes i think that my parents will be supportative.....but then again..look what i have been doing to myself..they r gonna thin they failed as parents, when it was nothing that they did. how do i handle this??? please if anyone can help me and let me know...any help is truly appreciated. thanks

Re: I am in WAY too deep
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Wed May 2 04:55:52 2001 (#7045)

I'm really really sorry, i dont really know if they can take you away, but if somone finds out i'm pretty sure they could like keep you in like a hospital or somting if theres a threat of self harm, but i am not SURE, so dont hold me to this, i'm sure your parents would support you, you have a problem and they will probly want to HELP you, not shut you out, i'm sure they love you evry much and wouldn't think they failed as parents...owell i dont know any of this for sure, but you know i thought i'd say what i thought, okie buh bye! ~shanna

Re: I am in WAY too deep
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:09:08 2001 (#7055)

Your parents are only human. And, seeing you in enough pain to harm yourself will, I'm sure, touch their hearts. I would love to think that they'd react with all the compassion in the world. I'll be praying they do.

Your parents might think it's their fault (mine did). It's only natural. Imagine if you had a kid and they came to you telling you they SI.. how would you feel? Just reassure them that they're loving parents and that it's nothing they did. It's all you can do. Good luck.

Doris

The cut
Posted by !!!!!!! on Wed May 2 02:40:46 2001 (#7039)

The cut should heal the pain inside, With every tear she cried, The blood that gushes on the floor, Makes her want to cut more, Each cut she carved across her skin, Helped her vent the pain within, The cut heals, the cut vents, the cut makes her feel again.

Re: The cut
Posted by *me* on Wed May 2 04:11:03 2001 (#7042)

WOW! I loved that! That's how I feel. Thank you for sharing.

Lots of love

Re: The cut
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:10:21 2001 (#7056)

Wow, that was incredible. Thanks for sharing.

Re: The cut
Posted by !!!!! on Wed May 2 15:31:40 2001 (#7068)

Do you think it would be a good song? I'm trying to write songs.

Re: The cut
Posted by Kate on Wed May 2 15:34:11 2001 (#7069)

I have to confess that was me. I was too embarrassed to write my name because I thought it sucked. I know that sounds stupid. I was trying to write songs and that came to mind.

Re: The cut
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 18:26:48 2001 (#7076)

Actually, yeah. Now that I think about it, it would make a good song. It's got that kind of flow.

Kate, where ya been? You haven't posted in forever. How are you? What's new? :)

Doris

I can't get along with my mother for anything!
Posted by *me* on Wed May 2 04:24:16 2001 (#7043)

Gosh, she just makes me so freaking mad. I know I've said this before, but I just really need to vent right now. I was TRYING to do that with my mother, but she told me to be quiet. I'm having the worst week I've had in a long time. I can't remember the last time that day after day has just been bad. I think it was last summer, and that's when I was contemplating suicide. But don't worry, I'm not going to go off myself. I'm past that, for now. Anyways this is going to be a ramble that no one will care about but will make me feel better so whatever. I had another crappy day today. I have one of the world's worst teachers who gives some of the world's hardest tests and I was just talking to my mom about it and she told me to shut up and stop complaining because it wouldn't get me anywhere. Well I know that's true but sometimes I just have to vent. I usually vent with my friends but since it's too late to call anyone I was just complaining to my mother. She never cares about what I feel. I always have to keep everything I feel bottled up inside me at home. I hate it. I hate it and it makes me want to cut more, when I do I am at least able to express how I feel at least to myself. And so whenever she won't let me talk, or yells at me for doing something I didn't even know I did, I cut. And then I hate myself and feel like a freak so I cut more. Does that even make sense? God this is getting long, but I have to talk or I'll do something stupid. I have too many cuts on my thighs to cut any more new ones tonight. And I haven't gotten my bloodwork done yet so I still can't cut my wrist. I hate myself. I hate everything I do and everything I say. Why am I here when I'm so useless to everyone? Ok I'll shut up now. If anyone is still reading, which I highly doubt, but if you are I'm sorry for the babble. You don't have to reply.

Re: I can't get along with my mother for anything!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Wed May 2 04:50:31 2001 (#7044)

Ooh, well i'm sorry about your mom, and such, but i'm rally glad that you are doing somthing rather than cutting, even by writting all this on here, and get things out, its a much better way to deal with it that to cut! man i wish i could do that, well anyways, sorry about, i know how ya feel, i HATE my mum too...well stay strong!! ~Shanna

Re: I can't get along with my mother for anything!
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:14:35 2001 (#7057)

*me*, honey...

I'm so sorry that you're mom's being a spaz. My mother and I don't get along either and it's mainly because she doesn't listen to me or care about anything that happens in my life. She's never told me to shut up though, I'm sorry.

You know what I say - it's too late to phone your friends, your mom's being a spaz.... screw them! VENT HERE!!! That's what this place is for us. I acutally enjoyed reading your post cuz I knew you were writing that instead of cutting. Good job! Stay strong, hun. Your mother will come around. Be happy.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: I can't get along with my mother for anything!
Posted by Linda on Wed May 2 19:55:14 2001 (#7082)

Hey there "me".......can I please be of help. I am a Mom.....I love being a Mom....but I don't always do things right. I have a 22 year old who is very stressed right now and no matter what I say he reads his own interpretation into it. Maybe your mom is like me.....she tries to say things that are the truth that if taken seriously should help you. She has probably lived long enough to realize that the things that are sooooooooooo important today are usually much much less important in a little while. She is probably trying(though I must say she could do it with a little more respect for your feelings)to get you to focus on other things instead of all the bad. Mothers are strange animals, depending on age and amount of children. Perhaps she is stressed over finances or problems that seem insurmountable with your siblings or even you. Whatever is the cause she may not mean what you think she means. She may be thinking something extremely different. Check it out with her. Good luck!

Re: I can't get along with my mother for anything!
Posted by *me* on Wed May 2 22:02:31 2001 (#7089)

Linda, my mom is soooo stressed and I know that, but she always takes everything out on me. I feel like I'm a burden to her.

Thank you everyone for being supportive...I just needed to vent and had no where to go! Thank you all.

Lots of love

dissasociative identity disorder
Posted by Teresa on Wed May 2 04:58:41 2001 (#7046)

Does anyone have any info on DID or other dissasociative disorders. It would really help me out.

....?!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Wed May 2 05:09:24 2001 (#7047)

ok ok man i tried to post this once then my comp froze, damnit, so sorry if this is like there twice

RAR i am so confused, everyone is telling me that cutting is soo bad, but i dont think its that bad! i dont even do it that badly, rar! sheesh and like i dont even know if its considered self harm or whatver i dont cut really deep, but deep enough to bleed, i feel like i'm a poser when i say i cut, or that i'm a cutter or what not, am i rreally a cutter?! i mean...i just dont know i am soo confused, uhg, maybe i'm not even a self-injurer at all, i pull my hair out too, but now its mostly compulisve, when i was little, like in 1st grade, i had like no hair cause i would pull it out, is hair pulling a form of SI? man...i am just a confused girl, so..any feedback would be of some help, thanks alot! ~Shanna

Re: ....?!
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:18:24 2001 (#7058)

I think if you cut deep enough to bleed then you're a cutter. I think even if you scratch yourself you're SIing. I know what you mean, I never cut deep at all... but it doesn't matter what we do physically, we all are in the same mental state that causes us to self harm.

I think if you don't cut deep enough to cause permanent damage to yourself then it's not the worst thing in the world. What I'm concerned about are the underlying emotional problems that cause people to SI. I say deal with those, then think about whether or not cutting is bad. Anyway, that's my two cents. Sorry if that didn't help.

Doris

PS - We're all confused! :)

depression
Posted by Doris on Wed May 2 07:21:02 2001 (#7059)

Hey guys

I was reading carol's post and I became very curious. I'm wondering how many of us here are actually diagnosed with depression. Sometimes I assume that people who SI are depressed, but that's definitely not always the case!

I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder with Pyscotic Symptoms and traces of OCD.

Anyone else care to share a diagnosis?

Doris

Re: depression
Posted by elle on Wed May 2 13:40:49 2001 (#7064)

severe depression, OCD, and DID