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Threads 1651 to 1700

Abject Reasoning...
Posted by The Mad Hatter on Sun Apr 22 05:21:34 2001 (#6649)

Last Regrets?

On slanted stairs sits the bear propaganda sifting through caved in hair blood stained strands cloud over eyes clouds move past to darken lies of unrest and civil anarchy the beasts of raging democracy bottle breaks and history cracks the evil with stakes driven through backs with no answer to the eternal question no reprieve of degradation no washing oil off slicked sickened skin absorbing tenacious needles within puncture trachea suck in breath shriek for a cure to be granted sun dried body washed over by razor blades turn whos next the question is Any last regrets?

Now we see the rise of new hatred... hmm... quite contrite then but I've yet to realize why everyone hails the "bleeding poet" and leaves me alone... I am unsure... is my work so inferior? is there not enough blood in my pen? do I not repeat enough? do I not sound my call loudly enough or am I deaf?

my humblest laughter... - Moridhin

Re: Abject Reasoning...
Posted by elle on Sun Apr 22 05:47:04 2001 (#6650)

your work is amazing, maybe you are misunderstood, it is very deep. keep posting, i love to read it.

Re: Abject Reasoning...
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 09:41:58 2001 (#6664)

I like the raw imagery in this...(I also replied to "Love")...one thing hard about this kind of prose for me is sometimes knowing which words goes with which...

parents
Posted by kim on Sun Apr 22 05:53:33 2001 (#6651)

So, tomorrow my parents are coming up to see my choir concert at my university. They do not know that I have been cutting, and although i havent cut my arms in like a week and a half there are still very visible red scars all over them. I've been able to keep it from them very easily b/c i just wear long sleeves, however the outfit im required to wear has 3/4 sleeves, plus its so damn hot they will know something is up if i wear a sweater or jacket...help me please Kim

cover up!!!
Posted by lys on Sun Apr 22 06:25:52 2001 (#6654)

I have been saying that to a lot of people recently. Cover up will hide them a bit, and if it is going to be well lit then be sure to use powder to hide the shine (or it will draw attention). make sure both arms are uniform in looks and colour, regardless of if both are cut. however, don't put any makeup on open cuts- it will infect them interfere with the healing and leave nasty ass scars as the stuff rots inside your arm. Not cool at all. I would not recommend it. take care of yourself, and good luck at your concert!

Re: parents
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 22 22:02:07 2001 (#6689)

Yah...m y suggestion is cover up. Or this is another one. You could share with your parents what you do. I know its not as easy as it sounds, but maybe they need to know. I don't know...I'm stupid. Don't listen to me, cover up is the way to go.

apologies for those with eyse
Posted by necrosis on Sun Apr 22 06:09:03 2001 (#6652)

withering regret. No longer strong enough to bind me to courage.Feel like everything I ever was has condemened me to purgatory.The here & now is my life & that was a mistake in future hindsight

nourish the good & abolish the tyranny of guilt. Society wastes itself upon those that believe in it. nothing so heavy as witnessing the cancer that infects your friends

We all die, but we live to be free. Freedom laughs every time we swallow the lies. I used to be free, but then my individuality was anaesthitised. My abbhoration of conformity was more potent than the mandatory injection.

Still, I can only dream as my reality is mental coma. The sun shone for most of my childhood, the eclipse stole my adolecence. The black hole devoured my adulthood.

this is shite. I am drunk. Bye!!!

love u all

anaesthitised & abbhoration - spellings appreciated. no idea!!!!!!

good to enjoy the board as support again. Love you all. Wearing a particularly frilly pair of underpants for the occassion!! xx

tsk tsk!!!
Posted by lys on Sun Apr 22 06:20:50 2001 (#6653)

I am trying very hard to control my lecturing at the fact that ALCOHOL IS VERY BAD FOR YOU!!!! but I think that I am done. I like what you wrote, especially the part about "the eclipse stole my adolescence". That really hit me. anesthetized/anaesthetized and abhoration is as close as I came. it is spelt abhor, but I don't think that abhoration is a word in the dictionary, since it isn't in my big fat one or on my word processor. but that is how it would be spelt. I also really like the part using the word abhoration. It definately fits there. I swear it is a real word!! take care, lyssie

Re: apologies for those with eyse
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 09:52:34 2001 (#6665)

well that was like life in poetry...and not shite (so weird that you guys put an e at the end)

hopefully you're not too drunk...and hopefully you'll start filling me in on what I missed...

lmao for the underwear part though I'm sure that's the part you'll regret having typed... *l* really needed a laugh like that though...anyway, please fill me in...sorta crappy night/week/whatever here and could really help to hear from people...sad, unfortunately here's the only place that I've gotten to speak or be listened to...god I've gotten so bitter...yay, oh well, goodnight

spelling
Posted by Blue on Sun Apr 22 17:10:19 2001 (#6676)

and what may I ask are eyse??Have I not taught you anything?? Were my spellings not good enough?? Not shite, not at all. I like it. Thanks for last night. It helped. Love xxxxx

Re: apologies for those with eyse
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 22 21:59:31 2001 (#6688)

Thank you David! I love what you have to say. Its speaks to me.

Love you with all I am, Alana

out of control!!!!
Posted by lys on Sun Apr 22 06:33:17 2001 (#6655)

shit, I have been going into little fucking crisis everyday pretty much. I guess tonight my thing is that I have been cutting non stop and I feel I have no control, and I feel like I am drowning in guilt and shame and sadness and loneliness. I feel so stupid. I want to die. But that is it for tonight. Just a few random bitches that will probably not matter tomorrow. I just don't want to make it to tomorrow. but then there is the thought that even if I try to kill myself, I don't have the guts. I am too fucking stupid to do it right. I am so pathetic, I can't even finish this little masquerade off without running to someone. I am so alone, I mean I killed the one person I ever loved and I have always been alone before him and now after him, and yet I can't die because I am too scared to be alone for even just a few minutes. That is all it would take really. I am just so pathetic. I am sorry, I hate it when I do this, but i just can't help it. I am just too stupid to get it right...

Re: out of control!!!!
Posted by elle on Sun Apr 22 06:51:31 2001 (#6656)

i hate those feelings, they consume my mind, hang in there, all i can say is that things will get better, but shit i dont even believe that myself most of the time

so confused.... trigger
Posted by lys on Sun Apr 22 08:18:08 2001 (#6657)

my parents are in bed, it is like 11:30 where I am. I have my razors in my hand, and I am trying to decide where to cut. I cut the words die and hate and fuck into me legs already, and there is blood everywhere. All over the place. I am a mess. I am going to write "forget-me-not" in my leg over some older cuts. I wrote a poem with that title a few days ago, because we have those flowers growing all over our back yard and it was about cutting and being alone. I am getting blood on the key board. I feel like I am an outside party here, like I am just watching. It is really weird. It is almost as though someone else is cutting. I am not really feeling anything. I hate that feeling though too. good night everyone, and take care

Re: so confused.... trigger
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 22 08:53:38 2001 (#6659)

lys,

Please PLEASE be careful. I know you're really upset, but take good care of yourself and don't do anything too deep!!! Please be careful. I'll be praying for your safety. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're all upset again. I was hoping you were feeling better after the other night.

I know what it feels like to be separated from it all. When I cut I feel like I'm watching someone do it. I want to stop them, but I can't. Because they won't listen. I know that feeling - it's really scary cuz you don't know how far you'd go. Please take care. We all love you, lys.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: so confused.... trigger
Posted by elle on Sun Apr 22 17:09:55 2001 (#6675)

i hope your ok, i hate that feeling, thats how it always is when i cut, i never feel pain while im doing it, its almost as if i am staring at someone elses legs and arms and watching someone elses blood drip down to the ground

Re: out of control!!!!
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 10:03:07 2001 (#6666)

I'm sorry it's so bad for you now...I also hate the feelings that make me think I can't die either...for me it's that it would upset people that barely know me at all or people who know me a bit better...I know I'm shit to people and just push them away b/c I don't think I'm worth dealing with even though I want to be worth it to someone, but not an overbearing someone...it's easier to die thinking no one cares, but someone always does...to me, that's frustrating but it keeps me going...perhaps that fact doesn't let you give up as easily either...I hope you're comforted by the people you know and take good enough care of yourself to stay in search of something better...don't know if this is helping or just making it worse

Re: out of control!!!!
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 22 22:08:08 2001 (#6690)

Don't say that! All of it. Its not true. YOu mean something. It just seems like the world and everything in it is against you right? I feel that way sometimes. All lately, so I know how you feel. You aren't too stupid to get it right. It takes soooo long to get it right. I'm soooo far from that place, and I've been working on getting it right for about a year now...I just mess it up too. But we learn from our mistakes and keep trying to make it right. And don't make it right for someone else, do what feels right to you, on your own terms. Whats right for me, is probably not for you. Thats why we feel so alone, nobody understands us completely and nobody can help us. They just can't. Its up to ourselves to fix it all. Which doesn't seem fair eh?

everyone....
Posted by lys on Sun Apr 22 22:52:46 2001 (#6693)

I find it easier to say once my responce to all of your guys' messages, instead of typing out like lots of times the same thing... last night I kind of went a little overboard with the cuts, not too deep but I wrote a fairly long quote on my leg. For some reason I am quite proud of it though... kind of sick, I know. I am okay though. As I said, they aren't too deep. I am on my way out now on my lunch break from 'working' for my dad. I am doing data entering for him, he has his own business, and it is really boring. I get paid $5 an hour, and my lunch break isn't paid either. what an asshole, hey?? I mean, like it makes a fucking difference. And then he had the nerve to fucking thank me. I don't have a choice as to whether or not I do this, he is making me. And yet he says I can't even go to the bathroom on 'his time'? fuck.... anyways, I am just a little bit pissed off with him... but guess 'whos time' I am wasting??? not mine!!! anyways, I got new razors, they are very nice and sharp and I am soooo tempted right now, but I am trying very hard not to. My kitten is on me right now, which is the only reason I am not, becasue she is sleeping and I couldn't bleed on her, she would be absolutely traumatized. Has anyone else noticed my obsession with my kitties??? Its okay, cuz they are brats and they bug the hell out of me and are so cute too!!! they cheer me up a lot... and now my 'kittie' isn't really a kittie anymore, she is a year old and so FAT!!!!! see what I mean??? they cheer me up!!!! I have to go and get my lunch now, or I will starve!! take care, lyssie

Re: everyone....
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 09:39:00 2001 (#6755)

I actually love the sound of quotes and stuff...I don't think cuts and stuff are beautiful usually but I think people would be beautiful with words carved into them...then you'd know what they're thinking and what things truly mean something to them...

kitties are cute...I held a few 3 week olds once and young ones another time though...I prefer dogs though, very devoted...if I get a cat in the future it would be an ocelot...I decided maybe 5 years ago not to get a tiger or jaguar even though I would LOVE to have one (and it is possible to own stuff like that...a friend of mine's mom when I was young sold a jaguar and an old art teacher of mine had a friend with a lion)...anyway, dogs are just fine...I have a couple frogs now...all my newts and salamanders, turtle, mouse and hamster died...and I don't have time at the moment to take care of any more pets...the easy way would be nice...like someone giving me a million dollars for a painting so I could get a cool house with a huge backyard for tons of dogs and a separate room for reptiles and another for mammels...a house with a new experience in every room...Renaissance style, Gothic, comic book pages, modern, midieval...

okay, so this message is pretty cheery, but it's just stuff I want if I could afford it...hah...don't expect it...

it's weird b/c I've been really sad recently, but really couteracting it in front of friends b/c if they ask me what's wrong I start acting funny and weird...I spent all night laughing like Scooby Doo

and I think I'll end with that

My head hurts
Posted by Maggie on Sun Apr 22 08:55:33 2001 (#6660)

Something really mental is going on in my head. I was just reading through the posts and suddenly I got these bad pains in the left of my head - but it was so confined. It honestly feels like there is a worm in my brain and it is moving around in there. It only stopped when I started whacking my head. What is up with that? Is my subconscious so addicted to SI, that it even creates physical sensations to make me hit my head???

Ok, this is so mental. I'll leave you now.

Re: My head hurts
Posted by Nuni on Mon Apr 23 07:17:06 2001 (#6705)

MAGGIE, Please be okay...(hi I use to post, I read up at times) I am always here for you.. Write me okay, I will send you a reply tomorrow morning..its late!! Love and hugs, Nuni

jittery
Posted by kim on Sun Apr 22 10:16:29 2001 (#6667)

oh my gosh....ok i dont know if any of you are add/adhd but i am on meds for it. ive only been on them a couple of days, but they said that they would start working within an hour of taking them on the first day. they said that they would keep me attentive for 12 hours, but then i would get really drowsy which made me so happy b/c i never sleep, i am toooo scared to close my eyes....but here i am at 330am and i cant even sit still...im so anxious right now...im not upset though at all...however all i can think about is cutting b/c i know that it will calm me down....does anyone have any incite here? Kim

Re: jittery
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 10:43:09 2001 (#6669)

well, I have no experience with add/adhd...so I don't really know what to tell you...if you need something to take up a lot of time and get you bored, most of my posts here are long...hope you're alright...if not, best hope to cut slow and shallow

Re: jittery
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 22 17:45:36 2001 (#6679)

You should tell your doctors about it, and ask them if maybe it would be a good idea to lower the dosage, cuz you are still anxious at 3am. I think they'll alter the dosage, if you tell them about it.

Alana

putting off
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 10:38:49 2001 (#6668)

it's 4:25am and I'm just putting off the thoughts I don't want to think tonight...won't have to think much and will have to concentrate if I just write a couple of old crappy poems...they're probably not that bad, I'm just so annoyed with myself...can't believe I'm writing them, but it's giving me something to do................still looking for something not too crappy to bother typing...

What Was Good

The pit is dug deep

and all her hopes and dreams are buried.

The young girl is placed in silent solitude

as her friends stand confused.

Flowers of spring are strewn about,

her hair perfect, tied with a ribbon.

They want, wanted to save her,

her blood creeping through their veins.

Her purity washed away

as the grey sky rained down.

The smile of her childhood,

running through the wind,

sweating through the grass.

She had cuts on her,

scrapes and bruises.

Leaving her puzzled aquaintances behind,

now she won't know she's smiling.

No Help

The fragmented crystal falls from her eye

Pierces her skin, slips into her crushed blood.

Propelled around, through, circling,

cutting a jagged, irrepairable tear in her heart.

Her body, mind, soul

all collapse into the spiralling hole,

the red darkness.

I release some, the warmth somewhat comforting,

but not.

I hide the darkness,

smiling on the outside.

(both 4/29/99 ~5am)

last one, then I give up...

Untitled

Sweep through the gutters of the dungeon,

captives screaming.

Criss-cross the parallel bars.

Glide on the pavement of the sun,

glazed eyes ring out,

then move backwards with the white car.

Breathe.

Cold, the calm breeze

twisting and twirling,

filling space.

Butter ribbons wrap around the star,

cursing the power of the moonlight.

Grasp the fork

and rip the sky to shreds.

Dawn the liquid pillow,

pushing out the aggitating grease.

(6/21/00)

alright, that's it for anyone who actually bothered getting this far...

Re: putting off
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 02:32:12 2001 (#6696)

anona1,

Your poems are absolutely beautiful. I hope you believe me because I really mean it. I enjoy reading them so much. I noticed your past few posts have been really negative (well, most posts are negative on here, but you know what I mean) and I was wondering what happened and if you're okay. I'll be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your poetry, and keep on writing - it takes my mind off a lot of stuff. Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: putting off
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 23 08:44:51 2001 (#6707)

Hi. Thanks and thanks for caring enough to notice...I've lost a lot of hope in the past couple weeks and used to care what I did to my body but now couldn't care less...I really hate me and nobody wants anybody like me around...really hate me...yeah, I'm really sad these days...during the day I try to keep doing stuff, but I can't constantly and at night it gets too much...god I'm so sad...

not that this is the kind of message you hope to hear, but oh well...sorry

dumb question, but i know some u got piercings
Posted by elle on Sun Apr 22 17:19:53 2001 (#6677)

hey, i really want to get rid of my preppy/sporty type look, it is holding me back, but i dont want to do anything too drastic...what i really want is to get my eyebrow pierced but i dont know which side people do it on....left or right? let me know guys, i remeber that some of you have lots of tattos and piercings...

Re: dumb question, but i know some u got piercings
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 22 17:39:30 2001 (#6678)

It doesn't really matter which side you get....I would go with the left side. Do you have long hair? If you do, you should get it cut short and spike it. Your preppry/sporty look will be long gone. Also dye your hair a cool colour. Another good piercing to get thats not too drastic is a nose ring. I think those look cool. Maybe my next......

Alana

Re: dumb question, but i know some u got piercings
Posted by LOST on Sun Apr 22 18:50:11 2001 (#6681)

left side, definately don't cut ur hair... thats TOOOOOOO drastic i think. dye it maybe a maroonish red type color. and as for another piercing, out here nose piercings are pretty much only for black people (and NO i'm not being racist!!!!).... but i think that u should get ur labret done (ur chin kind of) oh and get urself some dickies and old school chucks and a band t-shirt and u'll be alright chick :) oh and maybe a ball chain necklace.

Re: dumb question, but i know some u got piercings
Posted by elle on Mon Apr 23 03:00:52 2001 (#6701)

i have long hair i dont think i want to spike it, it is dyed though, kinda red brown it looks cool

Re: dumb question, but i know some u got piercings
Posted by WeaZLe on Sun Apr 22 22:24:43 2001 (#6691)

hey, i just got my eyebrow peirced about three days ago. it hurts, but not bad at all, its over in a second or so :¬) anyway, i got mine on my right side, but i don't think it really matters which side - i just got mine that side cuz i have a nose ring the other and i thought it would look like too much on one side. anyways, seeya mwah

xxxxxx WeaZLe

Re: dumb question, but i know some u got piercings
Posted by kim on Mon Apr 23 19:02:26 2001 (#6716)

I know exactly what your talking about. I am the sporty type, but im not into looking preppie, however i grew up in an upperclass family and my parents still run my life. I wanted the eyebrow ring, but my dad seriously would have ripped it out. So, I settled for having my cartlidge pierced with a hoop...it makes me stand out a little...and i didnt do it in the place that most people do it...i had it done just above mid ear

confused
Posted by Jess on Sun Apr 22 18:36:18 2001 (#6680)

my boyf has been distant with me lately.i told him i was suicidle the other night and he asked if he cud hump my dead body.i ignored him after that.He said i was emotionless before.the thing is he understands why i dont show a lot of emotion (cos i dont want to be hurt again)A lot of the time he takes the mikkie out of me,also he is really kind and loving towards me the rest of the time. ppl have said i deserve a lot better but i really am scared of not finding anyone else that will even begin to understand me like he does. he does wind me up without knowing (i think) and makes me cut.he'l say he's coming to my house then say the bus didnt turn up.this makes me cut.also he say's stuff to me that hurts.i don't let him know cos he'd just think i'm silly. i talk too much.oh well im confused.e-mail me with like any suggestions of what i could do.or just post.either way HELP! i'm trying to stop cuttin but this seems to be makin it worse. love you all

Jess

Re: confused
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 02:38:12 2001 (#6697)

Jess, honey,

You do deserve better. And I may be a hopeless romantic but I know you'll find someone that you fit so completely with. And that person will not hurt you. I heard something once - "No one is worth your tears and when you finally find someone who is, they won't make you cry." I think that fits with cutting too. This guy isn't worth your cutting and when you find your soulmate you'll never want to cut. This is my opinion, in which I completely believe.

I say get rid of him if he's hurting you/making you want to cut. And the thing he said about humping your dead body - that's not right at all. You need someone to show you unconditional love and support. Not someone who will mock your sadness. You can do better. Just believe. Be well, Jess. Love you.

Doris

Re: confused
Posted by a friend on Mon Apr 23 03:17:53 2001 (#6702)

i have talked to your boyfriend and he is a great person, maybe be more direct with him about what annoys you that he does, i dunno about that dead body thing, that sounds kinda out of character, maybe a sick joke gone wrong...dont let your emotions control you, experience them and live your life...maybe you do need a break from him

Re: confused
Posted by scarlett on Tue Apr 24 20:18:34 2001 (#6766)

hi jess look cutting yourtself what does it do for you? i new someone who cut herself and she got nothing infact she had to go into hosptal and have a blood transfusion i think you need to talk to your bf and sort things out really badly and if he makes you cut yourself then maybe you should talk to your mum well whatever you do please wrute to me and tell me how things go bye bye and good luck scarlett xxxxxx

Re: confused
Posted by another friend on Tue Apr 24 21:11:11 2001 (#6769)

hey jess ive been in a simiular situation like you. but i didnt cut. it was really bad an it was completely unexpected. lots of shit happend. you should decide if you want to keep hurting youself and you should decide what it is that is making you hurt your body. you should try and get rid of the things. And if your boyfriend thinks being sucidal is a joke then u really can do better. i no how much it hurts but you need to do what is better for you. have u ever thought about going to see a counciller? i no it sounds cliched but i think it hepls to talk to someone that doesnt no you and they wont judge you by what you tell them. on the other hand i also relise that you may feel that you need him. but is it fair to put that pressure on him. maybe he thinks that he might make things worse for you.i no that now sounds like im on his side, but im not as i dont no the full situation. Maybe if its possible you should try and get away and think about things. i no how hard it is to sort yourself out but it is true what they say time does heal, but i think they missed of the crucial ending. ONLY IF U HAVE HELP. sucide isnt the way there are people that u can talk to, professionals,your boufriend isnt the right person. and because he isnt its ripping you up and its probably making him feel awful to. you may think he understands you completely and he probably does in some ways.but he might not be able to cope with knowing that there is nothing he feels he can do to help you. im sorry if that all sounds like im a bitch but im not. i hope you read this and that it helps in some ways. you should try and forget about everyone else and concentrate about yourself for awhile. it may seem like having a boyf may be the answers to your probs but it seems like its making you worse so maybe you should look after youself abit more. lost of love zigi

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: confused...please don't be
Posted by *!ü£!@ on Wed Apr 25 22:47:55 2001 (#6810)

Your boyfried really is an amazing person and a great friend. When he talks about 'body humping', don't take it the wrong way, he likes to be funny - maybe sometimes at the wrong times - but don't think he hates you...he doesn't. Your boyfriend and everyone hig age has got massive stress on them at the moment with exams not very far off atall...MASSIVE STRESS...it's no excuse, but just bear it in mind, amongst other things.

*!ü£!@

Re: confused
Posted by A good friend (you know me, Jess) on Fri Apr 27 00:20:55 2001 (#6855)

hey Jess! That humping yr body thing... definately a "stew pissing about" joke. Also, I know that you've been through alot, but letting stew close to you would be a good step to take. I know you may not be able to, but if you do, and succeed, you'll be able to trust him more, and you two'll get closer. Happiness may follow.

love Danny, xxx P.S. - if you gonna e-mail me, use my hotmail addy.

throw up blood
Posted by LOST on Sun Apr 22 19:16:02 2001 (#6682)

what does it mean if u throw up blood???!!

Re: throw up blood
Posted by Blue on Sun Apr 22 19:38:21 2001 (#6683)

Well, I don't suppose it's an especially good sign but it depends how much, how often? I,personally wouldn't worry about it if it just happened just a couple of times. I'd say if it goes on a few days, time to see a doc. But what do I know? Sorry, not much help. xxxxxx

Re: throw up blood
Posted by *me* on Sun Apr 22 20:37:07 2001 (#6684)

You could have an ulcer. Or I don't know if you're bulimic, but I think that throwing up blood could have something to do with that. I'd suggest going to see a doctor.

lots of love

Re: throw up blood
Posted by lys on Sun Apr 22 22:59:31 2001 (#6694)

if it is happening just because (if you are throwing up blood and not bulimic or otherwise causing it yourself) it is a very bad sign. See a doctor. If you are bulimic, and are doing it, you should still see a doctor although if he/she doesn't already know you are bulimic they will probably try to put you into an eating disorder program or the hospital (although that may be necessary for ust physical concerns). If you are throwing up blood because you took an overdose or something, I don't really think I need to say to get your ass to a hospital. that too is pretty self-explanitory, although I don't know why you would post about being concerned about it if you were trying to die. But really, this is my fucked up head working. I think you should probably see your doctor ASAP in any case, throwing up blood is never a good sign and is usually internal bleeding (from an ulcer or whatever). take care, lyssie

bulimia
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 23 08:58:55 2001 (#6708)

if bulimia is the case...

I have a friend who's had it for 7 years...then throwing up blood can be from you stomach acid eating away at your esophagus when you throw up...it's really bad...worse damage than anorexia

Re: throw up blood
Posted by melissa on Mon Apr 23 21:09:09 2001 (#6719)

your a smoker... i know what its like. eeeewwww!

Hey I'm pretty much freaking out now....
Posted by *me* on Sun Apr 22 20:41:21 2001 (#6685)

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow, for anyone who remembers about all that. I'm soooooooo scared. By this time tomorrow I'll be in the waiting room. Oh God. I am going to use cover up on my wrist and cover THAT with bracelets. But the cut on my arm is still very very visible. Shoot. If my doc asks I'll say I, um, that I....bumped into my dresser or something. Shoot I'm such a bad liar. Ok. Well. Toldja I'm freaking out. Everyone pray that my doctor doesn't see, or at least doesn't ask about my cuts. Please. And if you don't pray, well then, I don't know. Make a wish or something. Thanks.

Re: Hey I'm pretty much freaking out now....
Posted by gnimia on Sun Apr 22 21:51:22 2001 (#6686)

Good luck, and stay cool! itll make all the difference. xx Amy

Re: Hey I'm pretty much freaking out now....
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 02:43:10 2001 (#6698)

Aww, sweety, it'll be okay. I know it's scary. I've had SO many scary doctor's appointments. Don't think about the appointment - what happens happens. You can't really do more than what you're doing so don't worry about it. Just focus on after the doctor's appointment. I'm not going to tell you to cut afterward, but I know you'll feel a lot better.

Think about this - "If a problem has a solution then there's no use in worrying about it. If it doesn't have a solution then worrying won't do any good." You're covering up your scars as best you can. Please don't worry so much. I know it's easier said than done, but please try. We love you and I'll be praying for you.

Love and strength,

Doris

i'm praying hun!!
Posted by lys on Mon Apr 23 02:51:12 2001 (#6699)

I'll pray for you!!! don't worry too much about it, he may ask but worse comes to worse just lie. if they are OBVIOUSLY self inflicted, then just tell him that your 'therapist is dealing with it'. I mean, there isn't that much he can do about that. He may try to force it, but only say that if he knows that they are from SI and not just an accident. And if it makes you feel better, I have to go see the doctor who put me in the hospital last time (for 2 fucking months) tomorrow too for my arm, because it is really acting up again and it is really bad, so he WILL see all of my new cuts, and since I kind of went beserk with my blades last night, I think I may have a bit of a problem. But whatever. If I disappear, you all know why. I hope your appointment goes well, and I don't think there should be too much to worry about. Another good thing is that you haven't cut recently (in the past few days). That way it shouldn't draw his attention too much, because they are older and not a threat to you. take care, and good luck!!! I'll keep praying!!!

I love this life, just not mine
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 22 21:55:50 2001 (#6687)

I guess you could say I've had a couple of rough days...as far as learning the truth goes. I know i said that the truth is what needs to be told...but this doesn't mean the truth isn't going to hurt you. Cuz it does sometimes. There is always going to be this person in your life that hurts you, but can't fix what they've done. Yet, you still love them and need them in your life. They break you, you fix it, they break you again, you fix it again. And once you are on the verge of finally coming to terms with everything they have done to you, they hurt you more than ever before. Because they lied, and they made you feel like dirt when the wouldn't listen to you and called you crazy for thinking what things actually were. So for the two who made me feel worthless because of who I am can maybe think about what their lies do to people. I did nothing to either of you, yet you made it seem that you had the right to kill my soul. I hope you guys are happy. You deserve to be happy, everybody does. I just find it hard to be happy when you don't know what you thought was real really is. I don't know if I was loved back. I never will. Its hard to believe the truth, when there is no trust left. I never want to feel so terrible again, so my promise to myself...never show someone who I am. They just throw it away.

Alana

Re: I love this life, just not mine
Posted by ignorance is bliss on Mon Apr 23 02:05:37 2001 (#6695)

you know who i am.

i dont live a life of lies.

i never lied to you.

im sorry the truth hurt you.

there is nothing i can do to change it.

im sorry

They tell me to stop but they don't know.
Posted by Ali on Sun Apr 22 22:35:25 2001 (#6692)

I started to cut by accident. I was talking on the phone to an ex-boyfriend I was still involved with. I was getting so upset. I had been so upset, for a long time. I had been stitching up a sweater of mine and I still had the needle in my hand. I was so occupied with crying that i had begun to scratch a 2 inch line on my wrist. I didn't feel anything. When I hung up the phone I looked at my wrist. It was bleeding. When I looked at my pale skin stretched over my arm and this crimson colored line I smiled. I felt happy even though tears still streamed down my cheeks.I backed mentally away from the situation and scared myself. I was smiling at my own blood. I was smiling at the SI I just created. I was smiling at the start of a new release. Now I have seven. Seven slits of rage. Of frenzy. I stopped for a while, after the fifth. My sister found out. It hurt more to stop than to continue. I started to just let myself be eaten up by rage inside. It began to get easier. But I missed it a lot. Yesterday, completely fine i began to think. I want to do it. I want to release the built up pain. I cut. #6 was a dull scissor. I had to cut into myself more than four times before I saw enough blood to satiate my pain. I leveled off. I began to feel guilty like I once again let another down. I told my sister and she kept asking my why? why? why? Today my father began starting problems again and I got so angry inside that I ran up stairs and with the same dull blade #7 was born. It felt so good. As much as I love it I want help. I want someone to talk to about it but I don't know how to ask my parents to see a therapist. Sometimes I want them to see the bloody scars on my wrists. All the times when they yell at me and tell me I have issues I want them to know That I do have issues. That a normal person wouldn't cut herself just to watch herself bleed. I need help. How can I see a therapist if I can't ask my parents to see one?

Re: They tell me to stop but they don't know.
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 02:52:46 2001 (#6700)

Ali,

It is SO hard to ask/tell your parents that you have a problem and you want professional help. I had to do that a few months ago becuase my SI was getting so bad. It was the best and hardest thing I've ever done.

As for therapists, if you're in school you can start with a counselor at your school - and your parents probably won't know. Or, you can call up your primary care doctor yourself and ask them to recommend a therapist for you. But, if you're under 18, they may tell your parents.

I still say the best thing is to tell your parents. I sat my parents down a few months ago and said "I've been really really sad lately. And I haven't been dealing with it very well. I've been hurting myself. I cut, I burn, I bang my head..." and then I showed them a few scars. My parents were crying and I'm sure then began to blame themselves at least a little bit, but they were SO supportive. They got me the help I needed - medication and therapy.

I will be praying for your strength in this difficult time and for your courage to open up to your parents. It's hard, it really is. But, it is so incredibly worth it. Once you're in therapy and you're learning ways to get better and stop cutting, you'll love yourself for telling them.

The hard part is WANTING help. And you've already accomplished that. I applaud you. It's a big step. You've admitted to yourself that you have a problem, now you can admit it to your parents.

I'm sorry this is so long, but your post just struck me because it sounds like something I would've written a few months ago. Be strong and God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: They tell me to stop but they don't know.
Posted by elle on Mon Apr 23 05:28:31 2001 (#6704)

i too have been there, however at the moment i do not see the benefits that doris does....my life sucks worse now that my parents know...watch out if you go to a counselor at school if you are under 18 becuase they have a legal obligation to tell your parents...the one at my school said she wouldnt tell my parents and i could tell her anything i wanted and then the bitch called them in and told them right in front of me...sucks ass

Re: They tell me to stop but they don't know.
Posted by ALi on Mon Apr 23 21:57:35 2001 (#6721)

Thank you so much, both of you. It's just not that easy to sit down with my rents. They'll never understand and I'm so scared of what's to come.

Hey guys remember moi?
Posted by Stitchez on Mon Apr 23 03:59:16 2001 (#6703)

hey i'm here, still alive...somewhat unfourtunately. (i cant spell) but i just wanted to say that i love you guys and that you all mean a lot to me, even if i don't respond very often anymore. i've just been blocking everything out of my head that makes me upset, which is bad cause i know it's all bottling up inside of me..i can feel it...the release, that beautiful blade that in one single stroke of unconciousness can take all your pain and reverse it into happiness. mmmmm i love cutting, i am such a little masochist....damn me to hell

-me-

i have a doc. appt tomorrow.... uh oh!!!
Posted by lys on Mon Apr 23 07:50:10 2001 (#6706)

well, I have an appt with my doctor tomorrow about my arm, because I did data entering for like 6 hours today and was typing all day and now I am doing it all left handed because the nerve I damaged before is now trying to kill me and it hurts so much I am crying. anyways, that was a long sentence. This is the doctor that put me in the hospital for two months before. He likes me better locked up I think. I really don't like him right now!!! but then again, he might be a cool asshole and just decide not to see me... or he could be just temporarily blind... and I am soo stupid!!! I went and I cut up my arms again today because I forgot about it!!! and my legs too.... oops... so, now I should probably just not show up.... but he tends to get really suspicious about that.... I am just a little bit nervous about it.... but I guess part of the reasonis that I know I probably need to be locked away with all of the shit I have been doing and stuff.... I guess that is a major concern of mine too... but, wish me well, and if I disappear for a while, you all know why!!! take care, lyssie

Re: i have a doc. appt tomorrow.... uh oh!!!
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 18:11:35 2001 (#6715)

Good luck, lys! I'll be praying for you.

Love and strength,

Doris

because I don't matter in general
Posted by don't read on Mon Apr 23 09:13:49 2001 (#6709)

fuck me. completely fuck me. i'm rotting in life and everyone's ignoring the stench. wish i could constantly heave things. smashing them against the wall. i don't matter and i hate that. people say they care but it doesn't matter when no one shows it. i don't want pity or replies since replies to my messages are rare. i really just want to die. but am even too mad at my shitty self for that now. alana says she doesn't deserve to live. i don't deserve to die. i deserve to be a curled up carcass in the street, shivering in the sunlight. dirty with filth from everywhere while people continue to ignore me. just ignore me

Re: because I don't matter in general
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Mon Apr 23 14:21:59 2001 (#6710)

ok...you don't want pitty? How about advice. Take that anger and turn it into a poem of rage. Might help. Poet

Re: because I don't matter in general
Posted by it doesn't on Tue Apr 24 00:48:31 2001 (#6731)

it doesn't

Re: because I don't matter in general
Posted by ** on Mon Apr 23 19:28:01 2001 (#6718)

I feel the same way all the time. It's like I'm air, I'm there but nobody really sees me.Everybody is saying that they want to help me but how could they help me if they are not even trying to understand it?

I really want to die but i'm to lazy to do that.Everything is wrong about me..I fuck up everything i do..I hate everything and everybody..

All I ever needed was somebody who truly understands what it's like to be depressed day after day..but no, i'm nobody, i have nobody and i will be alone for the rest of my days..

sorry if i wasted anybody's time reading this..

Re: because I don't matter in general
Posted by you didn't on Tue Apr 24 00:51:26 2001 (#6732)

you didn't, i know

Re: because I don't matter in general
Posted by ** on Tue Apr 24 20:48:41 2001 (#6768)

I just wanted to say that you can always mail me. Not if you need advice because giving advice to someone is not my strong point.But if you want to just write your feelings down without worring about being judged, feel free to email me. or if you are really mad at someone and you want to call somebody names, you can say anything to me..

me email is: davina.vanhee@pandora.be

Does anyone else
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 23 14:23:29 2001 (#6711)

Does anyone else on this board fuck things up. I mean, is anyone here an out of control teenager..don't get along with parents, skip school, are into drugs and shit....just all in all a "bad kid"? I'm just wondering, cuz it seems nobody here is.

Re: Does anyone else
Posted by gnimia on Mon Apr 23 14:47:25 2001 (#6712)

ive done most of that, was a bit of a "tearaway" a couple of years ago. dunno if ive matured since then or just got boring (?) but im not so bad these days. did quite a few things im not proud of i guess. worse than si. Anyone else want to admit to a shameful past? xx

Re: Does anyone else
Posted by Akaba on Mon Apr 23 15:11:40 2001 (#6713)

How bout admit to a shameful present...

Re: Does anyone else
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 23 15:13:50 2001 (#6714)

shit, i typed my name wrong. I was like "wow , theres a new person on the board" my god, I'm such an ass. Ah well, so yah I'll admit to a shameful present. I am a a punkass druggie. Yup, thats me. But don't call me a crackhead. I'm not that far. Yet.... I'll admit later

Re: Does anyone else
Posted by kim on Mon Apr 23 19:07:31 2001 (#6717)

I'll admit that I fuck things up a lot. My parents just dont know the half of it. I skip school constantly and dont do my work. I party all the time, only drink though. I'm highly allergic to nicotine and just haven't been interested enough to try pot or anything else. My parents thing that i am a total screw up b/c my brother followed in my dads footsteps and my sister is a total goody-goody who is only 21 and is already a school teacher. im walking a thin line right now. my parents have threatened to cut me off if i slip up again...YIKES...my medical bills are huge...what am i going to do

Re: Does anyone else
Posted by Nicke on Wed Apr 25 20:28:37 2001 (#6808)

I was taking ecstacy for a while as well as cocaine. I went to Drug Councilling but recently I have started taking ecstacy again. I know this is bad to mix with anti-depressants but what the hay.

Nicke, XXXX

Re: Does anyone else
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 25 23:22:57 2001 (#6814)

I used to be just like that...my parents really know nothing sbout it. but Ive foudnt that although it doesnt CAUSE it, being like that drives the depression deeper. So imn trying to be good now (and its soooo hard!!!)

Burnt
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 23 21:21:25 2001 (#6720)

Hey everyone!

BAd ass day! Thats all I have to say. I was alone with myself all day, thinking bad things about myself, and I burnt myself really bad. I've never tried it before today, but I was desperate to harm my body as much as I could. Sick eh? Coming up with different ways to hurt yourself. Is this what I've come to? Cutting, burning, straving, purging, hitting, contemplating suicide, smoking (many substances)! I'm such a loser! Here I am, wasting away such a beautiful oppurtunity to do something wonderful with this life that God so willingly gave to me, and I'm being selfish ruining the body he made for me. What am I to do?! Guess it'll come to me soon. I hope. Thanks for listening!

Stay strong everyone, I'm praying for you all, Alana

Re: Burnt
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 23 22:38:39 2001 (#6722)

your so not a loser Alana.You know that as well as i do.your not being selfish and what your doing to your body adds to the beauty you already have.God made your body for you to do as you please.It's not bad what you do. Whats burning like? love you all

Jess

Re: Burnt
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 23 23:38:17 2001 (#6727)

Burning was the best release I've ever gotten. It was complete bliss. But I don't recomment it! Stick to what you do! I'm not responsible for what any of you do! So nobody blame me. I'm just in a messed state of mind right now, not thinking straight thats all.

Re: Burnt
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 23:43:32 2001 (#6728)

For the brief period that I smoked, I used to burn myself with my cigarettes. It's easier than cutting I think - just keep it there for like five long seconds and you get a good pain out of it. But, then it becomes a huge blister that swells up. Then it pops and it's SO gross!!!

I don't recommend burning either. My cutting scars went away mostly, but the burn scars are there to stay. I hate them - they're on my hand so everyone can see. Don't burn unless you want to live the rest of your life with the scars. Just my two cents.

Be well, both of you. I really hope you're okay, Alana. I worry about you a lot, and you too, Jess. Please stay strong and remember that you are loved.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Burnt
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 24 01:29:13 2001 (#6735)

Bad days surround me.

so i went to the doctor
Posted by *me* on Mon Apr 23 22:52:20 2001 (#6725)

Yah. I went. I was scared out of my wits. You all should have seen my throughout the entire day of school, I was freaking out. And I had to leave early, and my stupid teacher wouldn't let me out of the classroom. I about hit her. I just wanted to get out and go on and get it over with. I finally just said, "I have to go, I can't be late." And left. Lol.

So the appointment wasn't that bad. Physical my foot. I didn't even have to wear a freaking robe. And they're not drawing my blood until next week. Stupid. But I did have to remove my shirt for scoliosis testing, so it's good I didn't have new cuts. But it was nothing.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. Lys, I will be praying for you cuz I know how panicky it is!

I think I'm going to cut tonight. I don't think I should do my arm, cuz of the bloodwork that still needs to be done, but I figure I could cut my upper thigh. Who ever looks there?

Ok, this is long. Thanks again.

Lots of love

Re: so i went to the doctor
Posted by elle on Mon Apr 23 23:00:06 2001 (#6726)

ankles are more fun than thighs...

Re: so i went to the doctor
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 23 23:46:13 2001 (#6729)

Ankles are good, but then I can never walk.

*me*,

I am SO glad that it's over with. Please be SUPER careful when you cut. I know you'll feel so much better, so I'm not going to tell you not to do it. Just BE CAREFUL!!! I love you, hun. Congrats for getting through it - major kudos. You're a strong one.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: so i went to the doctor
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 01:01:10 2001 (#6733)

and I beg to differ that theighs are better than ankles

I have scoliosis.... it sucks....
Posted by lys on Tue Apr 24 00:19:37 2001 (#6730)

I have scoliosis in my lower back and it really hurts because the muscles are all deformed around my deformed spine.... it is really gross!! Well, I got into a really bad mood at school today, since I am dropping out and I might not come back til next semester, so I decided to say 'fuck my doctor' and I just didn't go. Oops. I also said screw it to the eating disorder program I am being forced into, and I also decided to take a stand a wear a short sleeved shirt today (actually, I did my laundry last night and I forgot to finish, so I didn't have any long shirts), and everyone stared at me. but who the hell cares, you know??? I also have to get a blood test this week or next, but I am really really afraid of needles.... I mean I am terrified of them... I go into hysterics sometimes, it is really not good at all!!! anyways, I am so glad it went well today. Be careful cutting though, be very very careful (I am trying not to be hypocritical, I have been cutting non-stop and I just did too). take care!!!

Re: I have scoliosis.... it sucks....
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 01:09:35 2001 (#6734)

yeah, it's weird, I hate needles too...has to do with both my thought that most doctors are stupid and/or incompitent and that my parents have always forced everything on me and when I was 10 and went and needed a shot I locked myself in the bathroom...finally I let my mom in and she let in two nurses, one that pinned me to the ground and the other one that gave me a shot...I've gotten through many since but it seems as you get older you don't need as many...they want to draw blood, but I'm a legal adult and say no...so even though I don't need shots or needles now, I decided not to go last year when I was supposed to...I just get mad...when I went once and when I used to cut on my arms (now mine are hidden) I wanted her to notice...I was mad that she didn't, that no one ever notices how bad I feel, like my entire life is a lie...so I keep myself to myself...alright, rambled on enough

Re: *me* and lys
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 24 01:34:07 2001 (#6736)

*me*

Good thing your drs appt went well. Take care. I was tested for scoliosis too. I don't have it though. Lys,

be careful too and take care of yourself. Love Julie

Re: I have scoliosis.... it sucks....
Posted by Nuni on Tue Apr 24 02:12:54 2001 (#6738)

Hi Anona, I use to post here. I think that what you said is very important. I mean that fact you mention to us how intensely you feel does matter. What I dont get is how your mom allowed the nurses to pin you down. I think this why so many of us SI'ers have trust issues!! Because our at one point we were betrayed by someone we loved! I have been cutting so long and kept it a secret foe so long my husband founf out. But once when drunk I finally showed my mom and said nothing in fact to this day she pretends she knows NOTHING about it. Please dont sush yourself, you have to let it out or it will keep eating at you. I know I did it for so long! ok, my turn yo shut up since I decided to leave the board long ago and dont really belong. all my other sisters have come and gone, but I like to check in every now and then. I hope its ok with you all that I continue to look on. Take care!!! Nuni

Re: I have scoliosis.... it sucks....
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 09:49:55 2001 (#6756)

hi...sure, everyone's welcome...how have you been?

yeah, I have a huge trust problem...it's terrible...I push everyone away who starts to get to know me...it's a big deal if I decide to go anywhere with someone I know...I wouldn't call myself a loser, I mean some people generally seem to like me, but I've already been made to feel like I'm not good enough for anyone...

anyway, thanks for checking in...take care

they restrained me once for a blood test....
Posted by lys on Tue Apr 24 04:51:42 2001 (#6744)

oh, I had to get blood tests and an iv put in after my last overdose, and the nurse was already pissed off at me for refusing to drink the charcoal. Because I had a nose tube in they already had me in restraints, but just for the blood test and iv she called 2 big macho men from security to hover over me.... I did swear A LOT though, because I was so drugged up and confused and I had no idea what was going on. It took the nurse so long and so many tries to get the iv in because I was so tense, and I still have major bruising and swelling (from like 2 weeks ago). I think it is weird because I am so afraid of needles and yet I take razors to my arms a couple times a day!!! it really doesn't make sense to me!!! take care, lyssie

Re: they restrained me once for a blood test....
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 09:56:26 2001 (#6757)

it does make sense...I don't even like people touching me at all anymore...it feels too weird...did my own piercings...partially b/c my overprotective mother thought I might get hiv by having it done in a shop and of course I wouldn't go to a doctor and generally don't trust people and don't like them touching me anyway...don't let anyone touch me let alone hug me...my mom sometimes hugs me and it's easier to stand there rather than get into an arguement telling her to stop...then I got this whole guilt trip this weekend about how people need to be touched and how babies die without being touched and how she feels so lonely since my dad died...I'm sick of having so much pressure on me

Re: they restrained me once for a blood test....
Posted by lys on Tue Apr 24 20:47:03 2001 (#6767)

I have the problem where I really don't trust my father and he hugs me all the time, and gets into these moods where he needs attention and he tries to use me to replace my mom. It is really sick, because at times he even calls me by her name. And now my mom tries to hug me all of the time, aalthough she never used to before, so it too is grossly creepy and I hate it. I hate people touching me, partly because I am afraid that when they do they can read my thoughts and I just don't know how to deal with that either. I can understand how it is easier just to let them hug you rather than to argue about it- I got into a huge screaming match with my dad yesterday about how he wanted to 'hug' on his bed for an hour to watch a tv show with him... I swear I am going to smack him one day or just cut off his arms or something.... he is a sick bastard.... I mean, he doesn't know I was sexually abused, but still, he is crossing those 'healthy boundaries' and he won't stop... it is driving me absolutely insane!!! anywho, take care. Don't feel guilty about you being pressured to make your mom less lonely, it isn't your responsibility. bye!!

Re: they restrained me once for a blood test....
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 23:23:40 2001 (#6776)

sounds wrong...can you tell your mom?

Re: they restrained me once for a blood test....
Posted by lys on Wed Apr 25 00:39:07 2001 (#6777)

no, I spoke to my doctor about it though and he just sort of said that there is nothing anyone can do about it because it isn't actual abuse or anything, it is just him being weird. He is right though, nobody can stop him from paying attention to me like that because it really crosses no legal boundaries, only personal and moral ones. However, this is why my doctor supported me so much to be removed from my home, so he is probably fuming that I got sent back!! My mom is already pissed off enough with my dad, and she tends not to believe me at all with this shit. I hate it though!!! take care, lyssie

To everyone who plied - plz read
Posted by *me* on Tue Apr 24 03:23:39 2001 (#6739)

Hey everyone. Thank you for your kindness. You guys really have no idea how much your support means to me. Seriously. I don't know what I did without this board!

I have actually thought about cutting my ankles, but I never wear socks at home and I thought with summer coming it might be strange if all of a sudden I started to. I did a doozy on my right thigh. Lots and lots of cuts. It felt so good. I have never TRIED to stop before, and these 2 weeks were awful. Don't worry, none of the cuts are really deep. It hurt like a mother when I took my shower though.

I don't have scoliosis either, it was just a test. I don't know if I made it sound like I had it or what.

So I'll talk to you all tomorrow. Don't load up the board with too many posts haha. I won't be back on til late tomorrow.

Lots of love

Re: To everyone who plied - plz read
Posted by lys on Tue Apr 24 04:56:04 2001 (#6745)

oh, I love the thigh.... it is my favourite place to cut right now..... I don't know why, but it is just the best. That and the underside of my arms, where it is really soft. I hate the ankle though, but then again my ankles are really bony so it really hurts. Not during but after, and it is not good because I could hit a nerve so easily there with no muscle or tissue. And yes, I know how bad it is to shower after cutting, it hurts!!! I am glad that everything went well, and I am really glad that you didn't cut too deep!!! take care, lyssie

Re: To everyone who plied - plz read
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 10:03:10 2001 (#6758)

I stopped for about 6 months until oct/nov...but that seems like a lifetime ago

I love the pain in the shower and walking around feeling the pain against my clothes b/c I go back and forth when cutting or scratching..if I scratch, it's just a few...if I cut it's usually between 20 and 200...usually on my theigh...cheery

Pride
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 24 01:41:12 2001 (#6737)

I am proud of my scars. I know it sounds sick but I love them. the ones on my arms will always be there since mostly all of them should have had stitches. i am so tired of trying. I want to spend all day making new scars, pain and blood. Sorry this is a bad post. My brother is mad because I am proud of my scars. Is anyone else??????? Here is a good thing I finally found a therapist I really like. But I am so tired I don't know if i can make it. My arms ache and are continually bleeding. i have to wake up in the night to change the bandages so my cuts don't bleed on to the sheets. I am working up to tell my therapist about my past abuse. please hope for me. Love julie

Re: Pride
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 24 03:39:02 2001 (#6740)

I will pray that you get the courage to come out about this. I do know what you mean about being proud. I am sooooo proud of what I can do to myself. But then, I walk out of my room and my comfortable world, and I'm ashamed of what I do to myself. Its all twisted. To me they are beautiful. But I can't just keep them to myself forever. If I could, I WOULD! Everyday I wake up, put on my tshirt and swear that I will take off my sweatshirt at school, and just be me. But it doesn't work out that way, I get to school, I see everyone, and I'm ashamed of who I am. I couldn't ever show anyone there! Expose myself like that to get made fun of and stared at! No thanks. Its hard enough as it is, without them seeing the real me. So...I will wait to show my scars and what I've done to myself, until I'm ready for it. I'm not now. Thats ok. I will be.

stay strong Jue! Alana

Re: Pride
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 04:28:04 2001 (#6741)

Julie,

I, for one, am not proud of my scars. I'm filled with shame. But that's me.

I wanted to post to tell you how INCREDIBLY happy I am that you found a therapist that you like!!! I remember when you first posted here you had left therapy and I was so happy to hear that you returned - and then now to hear you found one you like!!! SO exciting, really. You've done well. Getting back into therapy is a big step. Whether you want to stop SIing or not, I'm sure you'll work out your past with your therapist. I wish you all the best of luck, Julie. And one more time - I'm so proud of you!!! :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Pride
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 10:11:20 2001 (#6759)

sorry about your pain, I wish you all the luck

Sorry I have'nt been around latley
Posted by Suzie on Tue Apr 24 04:43:20 2001 (#6742)

Hey, its me~

sorry that i havent been around latley. I've been trying to figure out alot of stuff about me. Its some ~razy~ stuff going on. Has'nt been to good. For me atleast. other peps have been hurt too. put thats only a small portion of my problems.

WELL FOR STARTERS I started cutting again. sadly. I had stoped for a month. But i think after that fr mike Eppisode i just got so weak, i mean it was so hard to stop. But it was SOO much easier w/ the aide of him nearby. I didnt cut deep at all, i just cut deep enough to draw some blood. and it wasnt deep at all. I dont think that I need cutting as much as i did. well, i dont need the depth anymore. All i need right now is the blood i guesse, to know that i am alive.

Well i found out that my mother completly searched my room. That was terrible. well not as bad as i would exspect. But than i found out that she had called my church, because i go there alot, and told them to call her if i happened to pass by and say hi, so she would know where i was as i was walking from church. That was terrible. I have this stinking suspescion that she was reading my Journal. And that has some serious shit in it. ::sigh::

My sister came home and just out right flipped on me. She went INSANE. she started screaming all this shit at me,. like ~razy~ shit. She called me all the names like fucking slut and little bitch, she said i am a manipulating little skank. she said she was going to fucking kill me. she also muttered that it was too bad that i didnt kill my self the last time. though that totally wasnt a suicicde attempt. but.... i said why dont you sharon, why dont you just kill me and she said that i would eventually do it myself anyways. She kept screaming at me like an insane person. she said i was the reason for all the problems in my house. all the fights between my parents. everything. shes moving out (thank gosh) but she said shes moving out because she cant stand to be near a freak like me. she said i am a freaking freak and i go to a mental hospital and hang out with all the other "fucking mental freaks" which really hurt. This was so insane.she just kept screaming at me . all this shit, i dont even remember half of it. I was just sitting there , motionless. just blocking it all out. i just couldnt hear it. after that my mother yelled at me for making my sister mad ( i had played her play staion... stupid huh?) she threw a mag at me because i wouldnt listen to her. I wouldnt listen to anyone., i was just there, staring in to the abis.

Sunday i was attacked by these guys in my town. I was walking (actually riding on my scooter...) They came up behind me and started screaming the most volgur stuff i have ever heard. One came after me and i pushed him away as hard as i could, and he came back at me., and i pushed again as hard as i possible could. and he came back at me., so i took off. they were chasing me. I went around the corner and they went into the in streetss. We have these weird ass blocks, where there are like, Alleys in the middle of the blocks and they were jumping and screaming at me from there. It was insane. they were still chasing me and i jsut took off and ran to my church as fast as i could. I got there and my priest's wife was in the drive way and i said "take me home now please" and shes like wahts wrong and i said these guys were chasing me and shit. and shes like "Boys will be boys" I couldnt belive she would say that. bouys will be boys. I got hit in the achillels tendon with a scooter, and now it hurts so bad to walk. its insane,

at thearp today they said if i am like i was last week, all suicidal and shit, am going to go to the hospital. as an inpationt.

Sorry I have'nt been around latley
Posted by Suzie on Tue Apr 24 04:49:58 2001 (#6743)

Hey, its me~

the other day my good friend told me something that was so insane and something that i totally didnt exspect. it was like, completly out of the blue, and i was dumbfounded. and the bad part is , that it really hurt this girl, i used to be friends with her, though im not right now. and it totally hurt her. she thinks that i planned everything. ,but i didnt, i really didnt. and i feel really bad that it hurt her so much.... ::sigh:: the shitty week continues

at thearapy today they said if i am like i was last week, all suicidal and shit, am going to go to the hospital. as an inpationt. it was so scary last week. i was like, crying and i usually dont cry. i dont understand whats happening to me now. its crazy

i am sorry for all the spelling mistakes, I am typing really fast, to fast for my fingers. and i am so tired, i cant fix them all. i am sure you can understand it all w/ the mistakes.

again i am sorry i havent been here all week. thanks

blah
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 05:19:50 2001 (#6746)

I think it's one of the worst feelings in the world to not trust yourself. My boyfriend was telling me today how much he worries about me and I was like "Why don't you trust me to take care of myself?" When, in reality, he has no reason to trust me. I don't even trust myself. That's what it's like to be a manic depressive. One second you feel like this and another you're completely opposite. One second I'm laughing and having a wonderful time with him and the next I'm cutting.

I hate not trusting myself. I wish I wasn't so out of f*cking control. I wish I knew how I would feel from one moment to the next. I wish I didn't break out into tears in the middle of the night for no reason. I wish I trusted myself to take care of myself. I wish I knew what I was doing. I'm such a f*cking hypocrite. :*(

Re: blah
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 10:24:50 2001 (#6760)

I think I'm probably some form of manic depressive...I'm like that, happy, sad...mostly sad when alone, happy or act happy with friends...

I don't care about trusting myself b/c I don't feel I matter enough to anyone to change my ways

Re: blah
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 25 00:42:50 2001 (#6778)

Doris in that post you sound soo much like me. I understand. I am happy, then I'm sad, and then I get angry because I'm soo freakin messed up. But I don't think you're a hypocrite. Really - you give awesome advice and everyone is allowed to feel the way they feel. Hey, now I'm the one being a hypocrite!

Lots of love

another post cuz I'm bored
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 05:46:28 2001 (#6747)

I dunno why but I feel like apologizing to everyone. Maybe because I pretend to have all the answers and to have it all together when in reality I'm so f*cked up. When it comes to SI, I'm as good as done with that. But, when it comes to emotional problems - I'm a warehouse of mental illness. I'm sorry if I act all "holier than thou" on you guys. I love you guys tons. Stay strong, even if I can't.

Re: another post cuz I'm bored
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 24 05:51:17 2001 (#6748)

Don't say that Doris. I think you are the most amazing person on this board! EVER! Who cares if you don't know all the answers! I don't! Nobody knows them all. And you never act "holier than thou"....just supportive! I love you for everything you've done for me these past couple days, and for everything you are! I've come to the conclusion that this isnt forever. It may seem like what we feel is going to last forever and kill us...but we cant let it. We have to move on.

Doris, hold your head up, keep a smile upon your face, we'll be gone before we know it, lets make it count!

I'm sorry if I can't help!

love you, Alana

Re: another post cuz I'm bored
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 05:55:46 2001 (#6749)

Aww, Alana. Thank you for your kind words. That really meant a lot to me - and put a big smile on my face. And I loved what you said about it not lasting forever. That's something I always tell people. And I'm especially glad to hear YOU say it. Your past few posts - here and on the Suicide Board have made me so sad. I hate to hear about good people like you thinking about ending their life. It's so good to hear that you know it won't last forever.

Alana, your post did help. Thank you so much. Right now I'm smiling. We'll see how I am in a few minutes (sigh). Thank you, again. You're the best. Love you tons.

Doris

Re: another post cuz I'm bored
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 24 06:02:20 2001 (#6750)

You've made me cry! Glad to be of some help! Hopefully I can make it through this rough patch alive, and come out stronger. Take my own advice, thats what i should do!

Thanks for making me feel ok with myself!

Alana

Re: another post cuz I'm bored
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 06:19:59 2001 (#6751)

You will come out stronger. I know it. Experiences like these strengthen us to no end. I thank God for what I've been through because it's made me the (f*cked up) person that I am. Hehe, kidding.

Stay strong, Alana. I know you're a strong soul. I can see it. Thanks for making my dark night a bit brighter. I love you, girl!

Doris

Re: another post cuz I'm bored
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 24 06:24:45 2001 (#6752)

Doris, please go to the suicide board. Please. If you can't, thats ok, I understand!

Re: another post cuz I'm bored
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 10:35:39 2001 (#6761)

you're a wonderful person Doris...you want to help, give heartful advice and really want to be okay...it's a great thing for the room to hear...

haven't spoken as much to you Alana but your messages are very genuine...it's good to hear reality...

wish you both a lot of luck in getting through harder times

I'm sorry
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 24 06:59:06 2001 (#6753)

I'm sorry guys..But I have to leave. I don't mean just this place. Everything. I have to get out. i can't do it anymore. Sorry to everyone who cared about me...I'm sorry if I can't make it out of this. Hopefully I will. I don't know what to do. I'm so alone and feeling so tired. I feel like giving up. I might.

Good Luck everyone, Alana

Re: I'm sorry
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 24 10:54:51 2001 (#6762)

hey...I know it's really hard...I hope you're okay...

Re: I'm sorry
Posted by s on Wed Apr 25 00:48:42 2001 (#6780)

I really hope that you are okay. please don't do anything permanent, I know how hard it is sometimes but people really do need you. Try to rest. You said you are tired now, so just rest. Try not to think about negative stuff. Okay, I am not going to tell you what not to do now, but please just wait until you are thinking clearly. Don't do anything to hurt yourself out of impulse. I mean, your post sounded like you meant suicide, so that is kind of what I am going on here, but if you are really suicidal and want out then one more night isn't going to change that, but at least then you will know if it is really the right answer. I know, this response must sound really bad, but people care about you, and I care about you, and I don't want youo to hurt yourself. Please just think about what you are doing, okay?? If you need to, don't be afraid to call 911 or something. There are people who can help you from the perspective of keeping you safe. Please take care, and try your best to stay safe.

Going soon
Posted by Strider on Tue Apr 24 08:56:37 2001 (#6754)

I know I don't post here anymore, but I do still read the posts.

I want you all to know that I pray to the Lord Jesus Christ all the time for this board and the people here. And I would like you all to know that in Jesus is the true way to everything. In Him is eternal life and love, and there is no other way than Him.

I want to thank you all again for helping me through all of this. I did cut again yesterday, but it's not the end. I will keep fighting, and will look to Jesus for strength. I know that the deeper I get with Him, the more well I will become.

I am leaving for good soon. To look for work. I will have no internet access (probably), so I won't be able to keep in contact with all of you (but I will do my best to try). I will eventually buy a computer, but until then...

So, I thank you all again for everything you have done to help me, and I pray that all of you come to know Jesus Christ as thier friend, lord, and most importantly, thier personal saviour.

I will do my best to stay in touch with you all. Again, thank you very much.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Going soon
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 20:09:03 2001 (#6765)

What caused you to cut? I'm sorry I haven't been online much at all lately to talk to you. I miss you, ya know. I'll try to catch you tonight. Love you!

Doris

Re: Going soon
Posted by WeaZLe on Tue Apr 24 23:03:00 2001 (#6773)

hey, just saying seeyou...i love u lots even tho often you have COMPLETELY opposite views and even if theres thing about/to do with you i don't agree with...I'm not the kind of person who hates friends over one disagreement (or 24 as beef knows hehehe) and i do consider you a friend...so i hope you are well and get the job you want. seeya.

PS if u do come back,. even if EVERYONE has left, im such a saddo even if its til were 45 ill prolly still be here :) seeya hun

Sexual abuse websites?
Posted by morgan on Tue Apr 24 22:20:39 2001 (#6770)

I was just wondering if anyone knew any good websites for sexual abuse. Anyone?

Re: Sexual abuse websites?
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 24 22:38:48 2001 (#6771)

No sorry i don't but if you find any could you please let me know? Thanks I would appreciate that.

For Everyone That Hurts
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 24 22:56:54 2001 (#6772)

I am just trying to give hopeful and encouraging words. I know each of us live in different places and in different situations but we all hurt.

Sometimes life is such a bitch, it seems to tease us, just so we think nothing will get better. Everyone tells me that a new day will dawn, at first i didn't believe them but now i see that although it may not be the day that I was hoping for, it is still new. And each new day we have changed and we have learned something new. Something that is constructive if we choose to use it in a positive way. Something that is destructive if we choose to use it in a negative way. The choice is ours even though we seem too exhausted to continue.

There is a pathway in simply trusting. Not other people but a higher being ( for me God). We find strength in being patient and simply trusting. The path seems rocky and we will fall, but I know now that I don't want to throw myself off in the worst places I just want to concentrate harder and be a little more careful.

Though life may be against us right now it will not always be. If we give up we will never know what a help we could of been to others and we would never know what " peace that passeth understanding " is. So life may be a bitch but I know that every person has the ability to overcome what is thrown at them.

Sorry if that was too sappy or whatever but I believe it. I also want to say that nearly all people that don't succeed at committing suicide eventually are very thankful that they are alive. Something to think about anyways.

" Don't let your heart be afraid, if you are searching for darkness, you'll never find the light." -Patanni Bedloe

Love Julie

Re: For Everyone That Hurts
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 25 03:29:11 2001 (#6789)

Amen, Julie.

Re: For Everyone That Hurts
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 04:28:14 2001 (#6817)

I didn't reply before because I couldn't really think of anything to say that would tell you how much what you wrote impacted me, but I guess I will just tell you that right now it has been printed off (are you okay with that?) and taped up beside my bed. I have three things beside my bed: a poem a friend wrote for me, a list of 'why nots' for why not to kill myself, and now this. take care, lyssie

religion
Posted by WeaZLe on Tue Apr 24 23:15:39 2001 (#6774)

Can i just ask some questions to the *coughgodbods* uh i mean christians ;) im only joking...I'm not christian, i don't follow any religion...well that is kind of a lie...theres on religion im part of and another thing that i guess is kinda but not really...anyway, dont ask ill only baffle you all!! what i wanted to ask is....

Ive read SOME of the bible so feel free to correct me over anything i say, but one reason i don't like christianity aswell as many other religions is the way that when something goes wrong in your lives...you all seem to blame yourself. i guess i wasnt praying enough yadayadayada....i can't see how god would want you to blame yourselves?? the bible is really contradicting. and i know this is kinda different stuff but its still the same god (i think lol) but in the whole passover (i know its jewish, im not totally eejiotic, but thought u might be able to answer) if god goes around killing the first born of every family without the blood stuff over there door at the end...why would a good leader, god, whatever u want to call it, kill so many innocent people for that? its not right...killing all those children. i think ppl do very wrong things sometimes, and use god as an excuse...not OFTEN, but i mean certain maddo's and insane ppls....if u say its god work ppl seem to just take it as nothing...as long as ur not murdering ppl obv. anyway, im kind of babbling, i dont really remember my point here...oh yeah Why does god punish eve wayyyyy more than adam for eating the fruit? i know it was her that gave the fruit to adam, but it was the snake that gave the fruit to her, he tricked her, so why does she get the worst punishment??? BECUZ SHES FEMALE DAMN U lol. anywayz....im gon a bit nutty at the moment, i cant really remember any of what ive written wil ive read thru it so if anythign is offensive OH IM SORRY i dont mean to honest... and im not trying to say any of yous are WRONG to be christian, especially if it makes u happy like with colin, i say you go there sister! (maybe not to colin...hes not quite my SISTER...) BUT you are getting my point i hope!!! i tell you one thing i really hate...door2door christian ppl who wake you up at 9 oclock on a saturday morning to try and convert you...NO THANKS...NOT THIS BLOODY EARLY ANYWAY!!!!!!! man, its irritating...i dont have any probs with your religions....but you dont gotta try and MAKE Me...i dont try and STOP you...so dont you try and CHANGE ME!!!! argh im gettin angry now, this board is really good for getting stress out...phew.,..

and breathe....

okay, im gon go now, and wait for the answers of complete bafflement and puzzled stared as i spread my confusion bug to more pll round the world.... tata!

mwah xxxxx luv y'all

I need to be 'baffled'
Posted by lys on Wed Apr 25 00:53:34 2001 (#6781)

i am wiccan.... may I ask what religion you are??? I am just curious....

Re: I need to be 'baffled'
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 25 23:18:12 2001 (#6813)

JEDI lol joking, ummm well, ive been looking into wiccan stuff and it looks really cool, im interested in it. but im BAFFLIST.... me and my friends made up our own religion :) its called bafflism, because the best way to have fun is to baffle people. in our religion there is no heavan or hell, not out of this world anyway. we just want to have fun. obviously, it isnt really serious but my best friend laura who came up with it is "god" and sometimes i do pray to her...but it isnt a worship thing...its more that im praying to thank her for being her, becuz for me, she really is god. she saved my life for realz, and she is the most beautiful soul i have ever known. nobody in the world could ever understand how much i love her, she is loved beyond her capacity to comprehend, and thats just MY love...i sound so soppy but its true, id truly give up anything for her. thats why to me she is god, because i dont consider any religion to make sense. so this is our little thing. i told you id baffle you, and thats because im bafflist!!!!

Re: I need to be 'baffled'
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 19:30:15 2001 (#6841)

sorry, but I am not all that baffled. It does make sense to me. To me that is way less confusing than say christianity, because it seems to be based on logic rather than things that may or may not have happened 2000 years ago. take care, lyssie

Re: I need to be 'baffled'
Posted by WeaZLe on Thu Apr 26 22:07:13 2001 (#6846)

christianity is full of contradictions. anyway

IF NOBODY ANSWERS THIS, ill knwo for sure its true that christians cant answer the questions i have, and it proves to me that its all a load of rubbish....excuse me, let me restate that, not christians, just basiclly all religions. thwir all the same in the end.

excluding bafflism

and wicca

mwah

Re: I need to be 'baffled'
Posted by Linda on Thu Apr 26 23:41:03 2001 (#6853)

((((((((((((((WeaZLe)))))))))) )))))) Oh hon...little did I know that there was such a fun post on here. I have been busy cleaning house for a couple of days. My son is graduating from college on Sat. and Grandma is coming, so sorry for not seeing this and answering sooner. My, my....you are a little question box! And I certainly do understand your hatred for those door to door Christians that wake you up on Saturday morning.....please don't hate us. We just want to share a blessing with you and of course we know that you don't know what you are missing but it is totally not meant to be mean to you. You have quite a few questions and I would be delighted to go into it in depth in an email if you like. If I tried to answer all these questions we would be here for quite a while! : ) So please honor me with a personal email and I will be glad to explain anything to the best of my ability. You guys don't need to be baffled!!! : )

Re: I need to be 'baffled'
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 27 06:04:27 2001 (#6869)

Haven't heard from you yet and the thought occurred to me that you might not feel safe to write personally so I thought I would give a try at a few of these questions. The first thing you mentioned was why Christians blame ourselves for everything....well, I didn't know that we did that. You may be referring to the fact that we feel we need to take responisbility for each action because we have a free will. In contrast, the culture we live in is constantly trying to blame something or someone else for consequences. You mentioned that the Bible was contradicting but I assure you that the Bible is NOT contradicting. It can be misinterpreted easily when one takes verses out of context and makes applications that are not right. In the story of the killing of the firstborn of Israel, you must understand a number of things. First of all, the Jewish people were chosen by God to do a special job in history. They were a picture of the relationship between God and man. It was also through their lineage that the Son of God was born. When we read the Old Testament we can see the heart of God. One thing we see is that God is holy and without sin. We also see that He loves perfectly. Have you ever thought about perfect love. If you loved perfectly then you would have to hate perfectly. God hates what would harm His children. He desires a loving, father-son relationship with His children. He wants us to trust Him. All through, especially the Old Testament, you will see types of what was to come. In the story of the passover, it was a picture of salvation. Salvation is very important.....without it, we lose our life. (forever separated from God) God requested that the children of Israel apply blood to their doorposts so that the death angel would know to pass over them. The Bible says that without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin. An innocent lamb had to die to provide the blood for that passover, picturing the Spotless Lamb of God that would come and shed His blood for the sins of the whole world. Whewwww....this is long so I had better stop here.

Adam & Eve
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 27 06:13:54 2001 (#6870)

Now, you ask why Eve was punished more than Adam.........don't know how you figure that! Adam was to have the job of providing for his family. He was no longer to live in a perfect environment. The ground was to produce thorns and thistles and they were to eat the herb of the field. He was no longer just an overseer of a perfect garden but now he was to make his living by the sweat of his brow. The woman, on the other hand, was to have pain in childbirth and she was to be subordinate to her husband. Sounds to me like we got the best deal. Yes, I understand that we have not done things quite like that and now we have the majority of women working outside the home also but God's plan was that the woman would make a home and the man was to provide for it.

Re: Adam & Eve
Posted by WeaZLe on Fri Apr 27 20:09:15 2001 (#6885)

pain during childbirth? best deal? those words should not be in the same book, let alone sentence!!!!! argh, im gonna email u, but im assuming ur not in UK and due to timescales i only jus got ur msgs i will mail u, im interested.

Re: Adam & Eve
Posted by Linda on Sat Apr 28 06:08:45 2001 (#6893)

I'm excited!! No, I am not in the UK. I am in Missouri in the US. You may see my family and I at www.picturetrail.com......memb er name "Svdbygs".

let me introduce myself
Posted by melissa on Tue Apr 24 23:17:38 2001 (#6775)

i havent really gotten to know any of you. im 16 ive been cutting on and off for about 4 years. i found this bored about a year ago and i come here from time to time to vent and meet new people. i have a boyfriend his name is marcus and we have been together for about a year and a month. i live in florida and he moved to illinios january 19 (my birthday). we are still together. i hadnt cut in like 4/5 months until 1 week ago... i dont know what else to say. but if you want to nkow anything just ask me.

love peace and all the grease n between your teeth, me

Re: let me introduce myself
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 25 00:48:20 2001 (#6779)

Hey I just wanted to say that I'm 16, too, and I've been SIing for about 4 years, too! I started bruising and scratching when I was around 12, and then I stopped (not purposely, just as a fluke for a couple of monthes) and I started actual cutting when I was 14. Hey, I bet you don't care! But we started at the same age.

Re: let me introduce myself
Posted by Nuni on Wed Apr 25 02:54:11 2001 (#6783)

Hi melissa, I hope things are ok with you. Love and hugs Your big sister, Nuni

Re: let me introduce myself
Posted by black rose on Wed Apr 25 03:06:26 2001 (#6787)

hi Melissa...keep posting I'd love to hear more from u!

Falling Hawk
Posted by Jump on Wed Apr 25 02:47:12 2001 (#6782)

Falling Hawk, I have not heard from you in lately. You told me about this message board previously. I thought I would use it to check in on you. Just wanted to say, Hi. Hope all is well.

Re: Falling Hawk
Posted by black rose on Wed Apr 25 03:03:55 2001 (#6786)

jump, I dont think Falling Hawk will be visiting all too often at all...I think she left and I havent talked to her in a while...if you have ne updates on her I'd like to hear! Thanx! bye Christine

Unfortunately
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 25 02:57:24 2001 (#6784)

Unfortunately.......I'm, still here. Rough night, didn't think I would make it. But I did! Don't know how to feel about that.

Re: Unfortunately
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 25 03:37:16 2001 (#6790)

Oh, Thank God!!! :)

Re: Unfortunately
Posted by lys on Wed Apr 25 04:55:44 2001 (#6793)

yeah!! I was worried when I read your other post, and I am very glad to hear that you are all right. This is definately not an 'unfortunately' thing, it is good. You survived one night, just keep taking it one at a time because we all know you can do that. feel free to email me if you want to talk... take care, lyssie

Re: Unfortunately
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 25 06:06:12 2001 (#6795)

I am so happy you made it through. Keep on going even if you don't feel like it, you will be thankful one day. Love you Julie

Re: Unfortunately
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 25 08:50:54 2001 (#6801)

glad you're still here...I know it's hard

I missed everyone here!!!
Posted by black rose on Wed Apr 25 03:01:30 2001 (#6785)

hi everyone, sry I havent been here for soo long...I've been trying to stop cutting and burning for a few days...but it's not working...I never really get ne time to come on-line ne more unless it's at night! I'll be reading everyone's posts like usual...even though I cant always answer to them not knowing what to say I will always try my best! I wont b gone that llong again unless for serious issues I g2g bye

Re: I missed everyone here!!!
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 25 08:54:42 2001 (#6802)

nice to see you back...good luck with your own goals

Doris + Colin
Posted by black rose on Wed Apr 25 03:09:24 2001 (#6788)

hey guys..I miss talking to u 2 especially cuz u were always there! I hope I can hear from u soon...I'm glad to be back! I'm gonna miss u when u leave Colin...I wont forget u! I miss talking to u too Doris...u + Colin have helped me soo much soo far! I love u guys! Christine

Re: Doris + Colin
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 25 03:42:20 2001 (#6791)

Christine,

I missed you, hun!!! I was going to post a message tonight asking where you were. It's SO good to hear from you! As you know, I'll be at home for the next month or so - so I can only get online like after midnight. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. But, if you don't catch me on AIM, you can ALWAYS post here - I check it all the time. It's really good to hear from you, girl!! Keep on posting and be happy, okay? :-P

Love and strength,

Doris

Can someone give me some advice?
Posted by D on Wed Apr 25 04:37:07 2001 (#6792)

Hi, I was looking through pages on self-injury and I found this board. I'm a sophomore in college now and have been cutting myself for just a month and a half. I was really depressed in high school for about two years, then seemed to get over it, but it started up again this spring. That's when I turned to cutting to deal with my problems, or at least avoid them.

At the very end of spring semester last year I found out that one of my close friends had been cutting herself for the entire year (possibly even before coming to college). One of my friends accidentally (?) saw some of her scars and figured out what she had done. When we returned to the college last fall I asked some of my friends if we should do anything about it, like try to get her to go talk to the psych department of the student health center. Everyone else who knew thought that it was best to simply allow her to continue, though, for fear that openly asking her about her cutting would only make the situation worse. This really bothered me for all of last semester, but I abided by their decision and said nothing. At some point in the fall, though, one of my friends accidentally revealed to her that she knew about her cutting, and they apparently had a discussion about it.

Which brings us to the present. To this day my friend who cuts herself doesn't know that I know she does. Stuff started going wrong in my life about two months ago, and in March I started cutting myself to deal with it. I've confessed this to one very trusted friend and some of the staff at the health center, but aside from that no one else knows (except for all of you, now, which is why I'm glad that this is anonymous... or at least I hope it is). I definitely learned about the idea of self-injury from my friend, but I'm cutting myself for reasons unrelated to her.

So the question - do any of you think I should talk to her about any of this? Depression? Cutting? Is this likely to make things worse for her, knowing that a friend she thought was pretty stable is doing it, too? Is the chance of helping her worth the risk of her possibly telling some of my friends about my own cutting?

Sorry for the really long post. Thanks for any advice or suggestions you may have.

- D

Re: Can someone give me some advice?
Posted by lys on Wed Apr 25 05:04:47 2001 (#6794)

okay, now the first thing that I want to say has to do with your cutting. You have been doing it for a month and a half, so I would really suggest trying to get into couselling or something to try and stop cutting before you become totally dependant on it. At 1 and a 1/2 months there is a good chance you can get better- if you want it. I would personally talk to her about it, because it isn't likely to make it any worse. You need to be patient though, she may react initially with anger. Don't push it, but I would really try to get her to go on her own to counselling as well. At least then you know she is safe. Also, you should ask her if she is suicidal. Because if she is you definately need to tell someone, and again, you aren't going to give her any ideas. She may be glad for the support. In any case, my main advice is for you to look into counselling and support, and to offer your support to your friend as well. But please be careful and don't try to take on her problems as well. Be her friend, not her knight in shining armour. You can't survive like that either. you can email me if you want to talk, and take care! lyssie

Re: Can someone give me some advice?
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 25 06:16:20 2001 (#6796)

Be very, very careful when you tell her (if you do) because she may take it out on herself. I also want to say to get to therapy as quickly as possible. The sooner you get help the better it is. As you probably know the more you cut the more you want to cut. It quickly spins into an addiction. Also help your friend into therapy as well. And don't ever have talks with her that makes cutting seem like an okay coping mechanism. IT IS NOT!!!!!! Anyways stay safe take care of yourself and get help as soon as possible.Also I strongly reccomend suggesting therapy to your friend. Hope all goes well. Love julie

Re: Can someone give me some advice?
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 25 23:10:37 2001 (#6811)

i personally think that if your worried because she "thought you were stable" i know i was much more relaxed and open when i found out my "stable" friend did it too....it make you feel less of a freak, somebody you look to as normal, makes you feel a little more normal. anyway, dont know what to say but good luck!

Re: Can someone give me some advice?
Posted by sara on Thu Apr 26 04:35:16 2001 (#6818)

hi- i understand what you are going through, i was in the same situation reversed several months ago. one night i let my guard down and just exploded and told a friend what was happening with me (rather she asked). on top of all the other things i tried to cover up i was balancing my junior year of high school and all those activities while doing my freshman year of college, it was crazy. but it felt so good to talk about it. it was probably one of the hardest things i ever did, but i realize now it probably saved my life when she comfronted me with it. hey, if you want to e-mail me, feel free to. -sara-

My hellbent day
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 25 06:31:16 2001 (#6797)

So i went to therapy this afternoon and told her about my abuse which was really awkward but i am glad. the bad news is that she asked to look at my cuts and said that i had to go to the hospital so i could get the recent ones stitched up. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

I hate hospitals . The nurse was so rude and mean and thought i was wasting her precious time because my cuts were self inflicted. My mom called her a bitch and i have never heard my mother swear before. Anyways the dr. came and froze it with those enormous needles and he kept calling me "kiddo" and saying that i really needed help and that i he didn't want to see me grow up all scarred. As he was working on me he kept telling me that it was okay to cry and let out my emotions but i just lay there stony faced.

Anyways i was nervous as a cat and he kept telling me not to bottle things up. I felt like i was having someone suck all the emotion out of me. I was also scared they were going to throw me in the hospital because they kept saying I should see a psychiatrist right then and there for assessment. Yikes.

Anyways i am truly exhausted and i have to prepare a speech for tomorrow ( i was still thinking of self-injury). Even though I am scared out of my mind to. Anyhow this is lengthy, but i needed to pour all that out. I want to cut soooo bad but i don't want to have to go back to the hospital cause i can't seem to cut shallow enough and i promised my mom that i would show her any new cuts so she could take me to the ER. I am so terrified but i think i am getting better.

Love and Hope to Everyone. julie

Re: My hellbent day
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 25 07:21:15 2001 (#6799)

Julie,

This may be weird to say, but I'm glad the fear of the hospital is keeping you from cutting. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but if it makes you think twice then I, for one, am grateful for it.

I also wanted to say good luck on your speech tomorrow. Whether you do SI or not, good luck! I think it would be really amazing and incredibly courageous of you to do SI because it's so personal and close to your heart. I wish you all the luck and I'll be praying that all goes well!!! Stay strong, hun

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: My hellbent day
Posted by lys on Wed Apr 25 16:35:55 2001 (#6805)

oh, I hate having to get stitches for SI!!! I had to go once to emergency while I was on the psychiatric ward, and they nurses on my ward were so pissed off at me... and I hate those needles too, they doctor that froze my wrist was overly mean with it and i wouldn't let him stitch me, and then it wasn't even numb. But the doctor that put the stitches in was really nice, she talked to me about it (although she didn't know I was from psych then) and she seemed geuinely concerned. But I have had more than my share of bitchy doctors and nurses (more so from nurses, I suppose because they are the ones that actually look after the patient 24/7). I am really glad that you are trying not to cut, that is definately good. Good luck on your speech, I did one once on SI for my psych class and it went well. I hope yours does too. It is always more powerful coming from those who actually know the topic, so you should do an awesome job!! take care, lyssie

Noone there
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 25 07:02:33 2001 (#6798)

I seem to bug everyone. There is nobody there to talk to right now, about what i'm doing. I've burnt myself very bad, and nobody is there.....my fault!

Re: Noone there
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 25 07:24:17 2001 (#6800)

I'm here if you need me, hun.

not much
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 25 09:24:58 2001 (#6803)

don't mean to bother people with putting up this message...I just usually don't have anyone to talk to and have been feeling so depressed recently so don't always feel like responding to everything...I've put up most or all of my life on the board so I really shouldn't bother with that...anyone else scratch till they bleed? cutting was such clean lines, simple...scratching leaves these gross wide lines that just look ugly scabbed over...it's alright though b/c it feels good to do and feel the pain from them touching clothes or just by moving in different ways sometimes...but basically this is stupid to be saying really...

what else? don't feel like talking about life crap...there's no point....so will try to think of a topic to ramble on about

ugh, only thinking about stuff that's too personal...can't think of anything else now...damn...alright, bye

Re: not much
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 25 21:27:11 2001 (#6809)

I scratch. I use my fingernails and drag them back and forth, or sometime I dig them in until I dig a piece of skin out. That sounds a lot grosser written. They do leave ugly marks. I've scratched with pen caps before. That sounds really weird. The little clippy part that you're supposed to use to clip the pen onto papers or something? Some pens have really sharp ones, and those work really well when I press down and then pull them across my wrist. Some of them if they're really sharp will cut, but sometimes you have to go back and forth, and I like the pain. When I cut I don't get that same pain.

Well this was a very gross and non-helpful post. Sorry.

Lots of love

Re: not much
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 26 09:43:39 2001 (#6835)

no, thanks for replying (it's discourageing when noone does)...the marks are gross looking and I feel weird doing it though I always do it till it bleeds...I used to cut and then started scratching more recent...I like it better for now and it's so convenient

Re: not much
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 29 12:56:53 2001 (#6919)

has nothing to do with the above messages...I just don't think anyone can ever help me and I'm only feeling worse...it's good for me to be able to put my thoughts here but the whole point is for people to respond and mostly people don't...thanks to those who do...I'm just so downhearted...thinking about giving up again...everyone seems worse off than me now...I'm just fine...I guess that's how it usually is, I'm okay b/c I'm not as bad...I hate life...I hate being around people, thinking I'm just not up to par in any way in comparison...not good enough, not bad enough...nothing ever help...this is such a stupid message...my life is so pathetic...from days when I couldn't cry and just looked to bleed, I now cry before I sleep and can't sleep or stop crying until I scratch the hell out of myself...I don't care about the blood anymore...just need the pain to stop crying and accept there's nothing I can do...I want to give up...I just don't know a good way...there's never a simple, unmessy way...everything sucks...life, death...I have to write a stupid paper after I sleep today...have yet to cry...doesn't matter...I've always felt that I can't be a screwup but have always been made to feel I'm not good enough...for anyone...now everyone's concerned about my sister...she's out of control and her psychologist is telling my mom if she's pushed to much, she could be close to suicide...(my family doesn't know anything like that or cutting about me...I have to be the good one, dependable)...my sister's really selfish and I'm sick of dealing with her, so I'm just ignoring her now...I ignore the situation and am emotionless about it unless my mom asks my opinion and then I tell her it's her fault and she has no way of controlling my sis and that I think she should send her somewhere for a while...I know it won't get better the way it is, but my mom doesn't want to give up...it's so stupid and annoying...and my aunt and uncle who would be good at controlling her won't take her b/c they're afraid she'll mess up my cousin...

anyway, there's not much of a point in writing all my shit down...I used to look for a sympathetic ear, but I've given up...there's no one I can bother with listening to all this...so I hope not to really post much anymore...I give up

Re: not much
Posted by *me* on Mon Apr 30 02:22:01 2001 (#6929)

DON'T GIVE UP! We love you and want you to stay. I understand your feelings. The point of this board is to share what you are feeling, so don't ever worry about that. Stay safe.

Lots of love

Re: not much
Posted by cricket on Mon Apr 30 02:24:53 2001 (#6930)

DOnt ever give up

Re: not much
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 30 06:46:59 2001 (#6938)

Please don't give up on us. I know we don't respond much, but I, for one, can never think of anything to say to help. I'm sorry. If I let you down by not responding I'm sincerely sorry. Please don't leave. You're a very valuable presence on this board. We love you.

Doris

Re: not much
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 30 12:04:45 2001 (#6948)

didn't think anyone would bother going to a message higher up...don't worry about me...I'm too sad to bother giving up...

Re: not much
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 30 12:34:11 2001 (#6951)

anyway, just as a sort of side thing...finally I was talking to someone about all the personal stuff in both our lives and now he's just not talking anymore...I don't know why or if he still will so I've been putting my own slightly more personal thoughts on here just to get them out...it's frustrating to not be special to any one in any way...I'm just a nothing that writes on the computer...anyway, I have 3 hours of sleep to look forward to...great

SImon
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 25 10:37:01 2001 (#6804)

anyone talk to him?

say it
Posted by Jess on Wed Apr 25 19:13:28 2001 (#6807)

repeat loudly after me;

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: say it
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 25 23:13:07 2001 (#6812)

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK THE SCUMBAGS FUCK THE PERFECT PEEPS FUCK THE GOOD AND FUCK THE BAD FUCK YOU AND FUCK ME FUCK THIS AND FUCK THAT FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HELP AND FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DONT GIVE A SHIT FUCK ALL THWE HATERS AND FUCK ALL THE LOVERS AND ESPECIALLY FUCK ALL THE INBETWEENS!!!! grr i needed to let that out, thanks jess lol

i feel stupid today
Posted by *me* on Thu Apr 26 02:24:15 2001 (#6816)

I don't know why. Just all day today I've felt like a complete dunce and dork and that I'm unimportant to everyone in this world. Stupid life. Nothing even happened today and I've just felt awful all day. I've had much worse days than today, today was in fact pretty good cept for the fact that I feel like crap. I cut up my left thigh today. Haven't taken my shower yet, it's gonna hurt like heck. This is an awful stupid pointless post. You don't have to respond. Sorry to anyone who's still reading.

you are NOT stupid
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 04:51:41 2001 (#6821)

I just wanted you to know that you are not stupid, you are very important and I care about you a lot. You are part of this board, part of a place where me and a lot of other people come to get support. Where you come for support too, which I can only hope that I give you. I am sorry you cut, and be careful in the shower. make sure you keep it clean. something I have started doing is putting a wet cloth over the cuts before my shower because it minimizing the stinging and the pain that the hot water causes. Just please be careful.

Don't think that your post is pointless, because it gave me the chance to say this to you and that is important.

Take care, lyssie

Re: you are NOT stupid
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 26 09:49:24 2001 (#6837)

and I almost hunger for the pain in the shower

Re: you are NOT stupid
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 19:26:53 2001 (#6840)

I hate that pain, mainly because I am a major wuss for pain if it is not self inflicted and for some reason that just hurts way too much.... It is really pathetic, i have broken my own fingers before but I can't even take a shower with my SI cuts on my legs...

Re: you are NOT stupid
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 27 01:07:34 2001 (#6856)

Thank you. :-)

Lots of love

Re: i feel stupid today
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 26 09:46:41 2001 (#6836)

it's not pointless...it's like my day every day...so sad

a really good list of why not to kill yourself....
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 04:44:09 2001 (#6819)

"Reasons not to kill myself" ~*~ Because I deserve to live. ~*~ Because my life has value, whether or not I can see it right now. ~*~ Because it was NOT my fault. ~*~ Because I didn't choose to be battered and abused. ~*~ Because life itself is precious. ~*~ Because they were, and are wrong. ~*~ Because I will feel better eventually. ~*~ Because each time I confront my despair, I will get stronger - I can't know what I will be able to do with this new morsel of strength, what future battles I will be able to win. ~*~ Because if I die today, I will never again feel the warmth and love of another human being. ~*~ Because I will never again see kindess and compassion in anothers eyes. ~*~ Because if I die today, I will never again see sunlight pouring through the leaves of trees, or a bird take flight, or feel the warmth of sunlight in winter. ~*~ Because the seconds DO pass, and even if time feels like an unbearable weight, it is not. I only have to endure this second. ~*~ Because I have already won - I have the resiliency, courage and stubborn will to survive thus far, and no one can take that away from me. ~*~ Because the will to live is NOT a cruel punishment, even if it feels it at times. It is a priceless gift. ~*~ Because my inner child needs me. She has no one else, and her need is so great, and she deserves more than anyone to be healed and comforted. ~*~ Because I owe myself. If I die today, I will erase the meaning of my suffering, and incredible endurance- - and that is too great a loss. ~*~ Because I already have the skills to find my healing path. I have proven this over and over again. ~*~ Because I can be a warrior against evil. ~*~ Because I am a testament to this horror - despair. ~*~ Because no one knows better than me, the meaning of suffering, and agony deepens the heart. ~*~ Because I deserve that peace that will come after this battle is won, and it WILL be won, but only minute by minute - I must learn to let go of the unconquerable. ~*~ Because I can come to show in later years, that even though they had all the power and the strength, and the ruthless cunning - even though I was a helpless, innocent child, I will have beaten them at the game they thought they had so strongly mastered. ~*~ Because I am FURIOUS that I have to suffer this pain because of anothers evil and filth. ~*~ Because it is critical that I survive. ~*~ Because my life is a sacred gift from heaven.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I wish I could take credit for this, however a friend sent it to me, and she was given it when in hospital. I like it because where it is still generic, it validates the fact that you may have pain, and yet also validates that everyone has the strength to fight it. take care, lyssie

Re: a really good list of why not to kill yourself
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 26 05:00:45 2001 (#6823)

Wow. Amen, lys. Good list! :)

Re: a really good list of why not to kill yourself
Posted by beautiful and dying on Thu Apr 26 19:30:28 2001 (#6842)

wow...i love it...i just printed it out and stuck it in my baby note book...thanks for sharing that with us...xxxxxx

Re: a really good list of why not to kill yourself
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 26 22:58:00 2001 (#6849)

I love it lys. Thanks for posting. I can't believe that you printed out my post from a few days ago. You have no idea how much that means to me that my thoughts actually had an impression on another. I am so touched.

Anyone know what's up with alana?
Posted by Noone inparticular on Thu Apr 26 04:48:47 2001 (#6820)

Does anyone know anything about how Alana is doing? I'm concerned. Please respond.

Re: Anyone know what's up with alana?
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 04:54:06 2001 (#6822)

I don't know how she is, but I am concerned. I hope she is okay, I wouldn't want anything to happen to her or anyone else!!!

Re: Anyone know what's up with alana?
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 26 05:02:44 2001 (#6824)

I don't know much, but I know that she's been thinking a lot about suicide lately. Let's all pray for her and her safety. God bless.

Doris

Re: Anyone know what's up with alana?
Posted by WeaZLe on Thu Apr 26 22:19:00 2001 (#6848)

i havent spoken to hwr for the past 2 days, but when i did speak she seemed okay enough,i think shes surviving, just having a rough time,.

missing him
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 26 05:11:00 2001 (#6825)

I carved the word "LOVE" into my thigh with a pair of scissors. I missed my boyfriend too much, I couldn't handle it. I'm going to see him in a couple weeks but I need to be close to him all the time. I heard this in a movie - "When you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now." That's how I feel. I want to marry him right this second. And get a home together and leave this horrible place. I just want him to take me away from all this. God, I miss him. My heart hurts without him.

I'm sorry this was such a stupid post.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: missing him
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 05:42:02 2001 (#6828)

I don't know how to respond to that really, except to say that I am sending you my love and prayers and strength to help you through.

I did this trick once with my sisters when I was in hospital (I am really close to them, I have practically raised them). We all put bandaids around our fingers and we said a quick prayer to them, and wrote our names on them. Then, when we missed eachother, we just remembered that they were right there on our finger and not far away at all. I did it for them at first but I ended up crying to the bandage every night. But if you can;t take to him then it might help

Re: missing him
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 26 05:54:48 2001 (#6829)

Aww, that is so sweet. Thank you, lys. God bless.

Re: missing him
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 26 23:05:15 2001 (#6850)

Doris, i feel for you. To finally find someone and then not be able to see them. Just remember to be careful (cutting) and also to remember that he will love you even if you cut, although that does not mean it is okay. But I hope that you take care of yourself. Love julie

Re: missing him
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 05:00:22 2001 (#6863)

Thank you, Julie.

Julia?
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 26 07:01:45 2001 (#6830)

Does anyone know where Julia is?

my parents just searched my room....
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 07:27:15 2001 (#6831)

I just realized that my parents went through my room today... I forgot to throw out a bag of blood soaked tissues beside my bed, a pretty big bag too.... thank god I brought my razors with me out today, but I am not used to having them search my stuff because I have been away from that for a few months now and then all of a sudden!!! I am so screwed, they are probably going to say something to me later about how much of a fuck up I am.... I am really freaking out.... I am trying to remember to breathe, I am trying to stay steady to type this properly but it is difficult.... Oh my god.... They know I am cutting again, they know it is bad..... my dad saw blood stains on my pains at dinner too, which I lied about but now they are going to do something probably.... what do i do, do I tell them I am cutting to salvage myself that little bit of good faith in their veiws??? or even just to be defiant and piss them off??? oh, I am so screwed... by the way, I know my parents searched my room because they always check under the mattress for things and the matress was out of its frame.... it usually falls back in but I guess it didn't and I noticed that, and that my books have been gone through (my poetry book, my journal....) my fucking journal!!! they read my fucking journal!!!!! I am trying to calm down and it is really not working and I am getting really hysterical again.... I don't want them to put me back in the hospital... I can't do another 2 months there..... And that is what my social worker was talking about today, going back to the hospital... I am so scared.... fuck, I need someone to talk to right now!!! I feel like I am going to die, I can't stand this!!!

I am sorry about this post, but I am just freaking out and so scared, I can't even think!!

Re: my parents just searched my room....
Posted by Strider on Thu Apr 26 07:45:50 2001 (#6833)

I was just checking the board (as I often do), and if you're still on, I'm here to talk to.

love and prayers, Colin

oh my god, they are even reading my posts here....
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 19:37:56 2001 (#6843)

what the hell?? I have told them before the last time to never ever read what I have written her, and today I looked on the history (before I came here) and it said that all of my recent posts and some others have been read... I can't believe it!! I come here because I have nowhere else to go, and now I don't know if I can. I want to die so badly right now, I really do, and I don't know what the hell to do!!! I feel so (whats the word?) *violated*. I can't believe they are reading what I have written to you guys...

My dad came to my room when I was drawing and he mentioned the bag of bloody tissues... I don't know what he is going to do. I don't know if I am coming home tonight, I don't think I can, I feel so wrong here. I hate this shit, I can't stand to live like a fucking prisoner. At least at the hospital they told you they were looking for razors and ---- , whatever, they were upfront about it. I hate my parents so much.

Re: oh my god, they are even reading my posts here
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 26 22:10:17 2001 (#6847)

lys,

I wish I had some words of comfort but I really don't know what to say. I just wanted to respond to try to calm you down and try to make you think before you do anything. I don't know what your parents will do, but I wish you all the luck in the world dealing with them. You should feel violated, and I'm so sorry. We're always here for you when you need us. God speed.

Doris

Re: oh my god, they are even reading my posts here
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 26 23:11:54 2001 (#6851)

Lys i am so sorry i feel awful for you. That is such a violation. That is like tempting you to cut even more. That is awful. Just remember that we love you. Take care and try to work it out with them because if they are even reading your journal that is such a crime. Take care love you lots. Julie

I am going into foster care now...
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 26 23:52:53 2001 (#6854)

I am going into emergency foster care right now. My parents don't know, I dare them to read this!! well, fuck them, I don't care, but i am not going back there. I am waiting for my social worker to come but he is a moron and he is really late. I have no idea what is going on really, I am kind of scared of what is going to happen, as I have no idea where I am going even.

take care, and wish me luck!!!

lyssie

Re: I am going into foster care now...
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 27 01:13:48 2001 (#6857)

Lys, good luck. I hope you can still come on this board, cuz if you don't you will be missed. I'm sorry about your parents. My mom has always said she'll "never go thru my stuff" but I don't believe that for beans. I'm sorry. That is such a violation. I wish you all the luck in the world, stay strong, I know you are.

Lots of love

Re: I am going into foster care now...
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 05:02:12 2001 (#6864)

Good luck, lys!!! We love you!!! :)

Re: my parents just searched my room....
Posted by carol on Tue May 1 16:18:41 2001 (#7010)

i know this isn't what you probably wanted as a response but i was wondering what are hospitals like? i'm nervous my parents and therapist are going to put me in one. i'm scared and i just don't want them trying to fucking "help" me any more! i feel like i've been talking about how i feel forever but nothing has come out of it! they know about how i want to commit suicide and i looked up different ways how to on the internet and all which feaked them out! i'm scared they're going to search my room too even though i am pretty sure they haven't so far...i just started cutting myself like a week ago so i don't think they've noticed but i'm worried what they'll do if they find out! well, sorry you probably don't want to talk about hospitals and shit like that but if you would i'd really appreciate it...even if hospitals suck i would like to know what to expect and if you have any idea how my parents might react when they find out i started cutting. (this is my first time so i'm not really sure if this is an okay thing to ask about but i hope it is...i haven't had anyone to ask about this who i feel wouldn't flip out when i ask them. thanks.)

Re: my parents just searched my room....
Posted by lys on Wed May 2 22:13:59 2001 (#7091)

well, hospitals aren't as bad as they seem. I mean, they are not fun, and it greatly depends on the individual hospital, but they can help. It is really good that you are in therapy, and it is probably a good idea to talk about the cutting. If you get help now before it becomes too much of a dependency, you are much better off.

When I was in the hospital the staff were excellent. Nurses and doctors were supportive, and I was able to participate in group therapy with other patients with similar problems as well as very different problems. I think that the most difficult part was that I was restricted from going outside and I was not allowed to go for walks, so I felt very trapped. But it is often helpful. Although hospital didn't help me very much (because of the nature of my illness) it does help a lot of people. Are you on any medications? In hospital they try to find an appropriate medication (or if none are needed than other ways of coping) so that you can function normally (or at least safely) in a less structured and institutionalized setting.

Going to the hospital isn't something to be scared of, but rather the need to is often very scary. If your parents or therapist make you go to the hospital, keep in mind that they won't keep you there unless you need to be there and unless they can help you.

take care,

lyssie

helpmeplease
Posted by emma on Fri May 4 22:19:51 2001 (#7203)

i have had the worst day, i am sorry to rant. my "best friend" is being a complete tosser. i dont know what to think about him anymore. he told me he loves me, and then after having a girlfriend for 3 weeks, who everyone hates, he decides to ignore me, and piss me off so much i want to slash my throat. Then my parents take away my money, and i am no longer allowed out at weekends. I have been considering suicide, and have now decided, to simply (oh what a word) cut my wrist real bad, take a bunch of painkillers etc, just so i can go to hospital and spend a bit of time there. shit shit shit. i cant cope. i hate my life, i hate who i have become, and i hate what i am being. i hate everything. i hate hate hate hate hate i'm sorry sorry.

Re: helpmeplease
Posted by Linda on Fri May 4 23:26:35 2001 (#7210)

((((Emma))) look past your friend. It sounds like he isn't worth your thoughts. He certainly should have nothing to do with your worth!!!!!

hi, new & unsure
Posted by Camilla on Thu Apr 26 17:05:22 2001 (#6838)

hi, my names Camilla, i'm a friend of Demon Lover 666 & she told me that this was a good site for people who SI so i decided to check it out. she's here with me & wants me 2 say that she's recovering, but is now trying her hardest to stop me cutting myself. i'm just not sure what to do. i don't even know if i want to stop. there are so many other ways of expressing yourself, but if you cut a wall, or paper or something, it's all there, except for the most important thing, walls don't bleed.

information on peer support
Posted by Mary on Thu Apr 26 17:10:43 2001 (#6839)

I was an cutter for over 30 years. 12 years ago I found out how to stop and started a program in Canada called S.A.F.E. in Canada to help others to stop injuring themselves. I am doing a paper on peer support and was wondering if anyone out there knew of any web sites that talkes about peer support. The paper is on how peer support works well with those who self-harm. If you could e-mail me it would be great, marygraham@motionlink.net.

Re: information on peer support
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 26 23:18:50 2001 (#6852)

Hi Mary. This is Julie I saw you last week on Monday. I have since found another therapist that I believe will help me. I was unsure of how I would get to Vancouver every week but if I still need help next year I may contact you. I landed myself in the hospital on Tuesday night. That scared me but I haven't cut since. Yay. I don't know about the peer support thing though. Anyhow take care. Julie

Re: information on peer support
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 27 05:03:41 2001 (#6865)

Good for you, Julie. For not cutting. Congrats. Keep it up! Love you! :)

Doris

GRRR
Posted by Jess on Thu Apr 26 20:01:09 2001 (#6844)

i so totally give up on everything.you have one bad night and its held against you for what seems forever.i'm gonna do summit i'l regret.i'm loosing control yet again.i'm so tired of this

Re: GRRR
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 27 01:16:27 2001 (#6858)

PLEASE don't do anything permanent! We care about you, and don't want you to do something you'll regret. Please stay safe.

Lots of love

i met someone
Posted by melissa on Thu Apr 26 20:06:25 2001 (#6845)

i love marcus sooooo much. i only want him. but i met someone. his name is anthony. he is so great. i love to talk to him. he is 20. that is 4 years older. hes so smart and kind and gorgous. and he talks to me on a whole new level. the bad thing is he lives in ITALY!!! ahhhh! he speaks english so properly...i love it. he wants to send me a ticket to rome to see him for a while. haha. can you believe this. well of coarse if i do go it wont be soon. but i didnt think i could like anyone else. its just a fantasy. i love marcus thats that. but anthony just has good conversation and a good tan...haha. well bye kids.

love peace and chiken grease me

Re: i met someone
Posted by Angel on Fri Apr 27 08:31:09 2001 (#6877)

good 4 u xx