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Threads 1601 to 1650

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by LOST on Mon Apr 16 22:34:03 2001 (#6335)

YAYAYAYYAYA!!! guess what u guys?! my boyfriend who i've been with for almost 3 yrs... asked me to marry him!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy! oh my god! i feel like i'm gonna expliode. i've been waiting 3 yrs for this! ahhhhhhhhhhhh! ok heheh thats my story! yayayayayyayaya!

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by Angel on Mon Apr 16 23:34:19 2001 (#6336)

Thats cool, aww u r so lucky xx

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 16 23:36:11 2001 (#6337)

CONGRATS!

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by Kate on Mon Apr 16 23:52:31 2001 (#6338)

Congratulations. When do you think the wedding is?

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by necrosis on Tue Apr 17 00:17:00 2001 (#6339)

lovely to hear someone so happy! xxx

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 00:31:17 2001 (#6340)

OH MY GOD!!! Congratulations!!! I'm so jealous!!! I can't WAIT for my boyfriend to ask me! Aww, I'm so happy for you! :-D

Doris

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 17 00:53:32 2001 (#6342)

AWWWW thanks u guys!!! :) :) :) :) and no, i don't know when the wedding will be... probably 6 months- a year. Its going to be a ghetto wedding :) not because i can't afford a nice one, but because its not ME. i want everyone in their regular clothes and its gonna be just a bunch of teenagers chillin and partying :) no adults allowed hehe :)

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by weaZLe on Tue Apr 17 01:13:44 2001 (#6347)

congratulations to you! i dont think im gonna get married cuz divorce costs too much! :¬) just kidding. If i do get married im wearing a black dress...my family think its a phase...but im gonna wear black, just to annoy them hehehehehehehe. love peace hairgrease empathy and all the other good stuff....especially marshmallows. o0oh and wedding lingerie GRRRRRRR yummy hehehe

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by melissa on Tue Apr 17 01:05:51 2001 (#6345)

yayayayyayayayayayay! thats sooo great. geez. im so happy 4 u girl. you did say yes right? lol

Re: melissa
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 17 02:04:02 2001 (#6351)

lol no way... i told him to suck the hair on my dogs butt and to eat an ant infested jar of peanut butter... OF COURSE i said yes silly!!!!!!

Re: melissa
Posted by melissa on Tue Apr 17 20:10:57 2001 (#6379)

lmao...i know

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by Butterfly on Tue Apr 17 01:16:32 2001 (#6349)

i wish you two all the luck in the world, you deserve the happiness. :) love ya butterfly.

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by *me* on Tue Apr 17 03:25:00 2001 (#6353)

AWW that's so cute! Congratulations!

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 05:02:05 2001 (#6356)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WONDERFUL!!! GOOD LUCK!!!! YOU HAVE ALL MY LOVE AND PRAYERS!!!!

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by mallory on Tue Apr 17 19:04:27 2001 (#6372)

WOW, THATS REALY GREAT, THIS IS GANNA BE REALY GOOD FOR YOU.

yeah, thats the way my wedding would be, people would come how that would want to come. no chafeing panties hose, and no noose ties here.

love mallory

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by Linda on Wed Apr 18 02:41:52 2001 (#6413)

I am so upset because I didn't get this news first hand, Missy!!! LOL That's what I get for not being online very much anymore. I am excited for you and hope all works out well!!! Love you, kiddo!

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by Maggie on Wed Apr 18 08:35:05 2001 (#6439)

Congrats to you both!!! Whats the hubby-to-be's name? He's a lucky guy!

Re: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!
Posted by gnimia on Wed Apr 18 14:19:09 2001 (#6446)

Wow! Congratulations! just remember - something borrowed... xx

Its about that time
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 17 00:46:27 2001 (#6341)

OK, guys, I'm leaving the board now. I don't know why, I just don't feel right here anymore. Thanks for everything. I hope you all do well. See ya!

Alana

Re: Its about that time
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 17 00:54:47 2001 (#6343)

i know i said u should leave before... but i don't think u should anymore. i actually like u (even tho we've never talked) so dirty skank ho keep ur ass here before i have to get ghetto on ur ass :)

Re: Its about that time
Posted by WeaZLe on Tue Apr 17 01:16:15 2001 (#6348)

id say goodbye...but its only about 4 minutes till ill be saying hello again. :¬) seeya secksayyyy

Re: Its about that time
Posted by Kate on Tue Apr 17 02:01:28 2001 (#6350)

I'll miss you!

Re: Its about that time
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 05:11:39 2001 (#6358)

c ya

Re: Its about that time
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 06:08:56 2001 (#6362)

I'll miss you! Your posts are really encouraging, I'm going to miss them. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. Stay strong and be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Its about that time
Posted by mallory on Tue Apr 17 19:12:03 2001 (#6373)

i can understand why you would want to leave, people tend to get of track and turn this board into a battle feild. but if your ganna go, well, then just, check up every once in a wile. cuz ya cant just up in go, so, yes, just stay, we.ve never talked but, stay

Re: Its about that time
Posted by Maggie on Wed Apr 18 08:39:10 2001 (#6440)

Byebye if you must leave, but remember ur welcome back anytime.

Take care. xxx

little baby everything
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 17 02:06:28 2001 (#6352)

LOL whassup jigga my nigga? where u been at kid? come play!!! i haven't shaved my legs for uhm 384 days so come rub on them u sexy piece of meatloaf!!! it'll turn u on... ppppprrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! but for reals though, get at me cuz i'm a gangsta.

Re: little baby everything
Posted by mallory on Tue Apr 17 19:14:57 2001 (#6374)

ok, yes

Re: little baby everything
Posted by LOST on Wed Apr 18 06:35:51 2001 (#6435)

wait... ur little baby nothing? i thought someone else was... i'm confused

Re: little baby everything
Posted by Little Baby nothing on Fri Apr 20 20:50:04 2001 (#6584)

no she aint me...i dunno why she probablly got confused. seeya. mwah, im alive and well

in a rush
Posted by blue rose on Tue Apr 17 05:21:38 2001 (#6359)

I feel like I'm less than I'm worth.I feel like I'm stuck it the lukewarm mundaneness between heaven and hell. I feel like my brain is in slow motion while my body is in fast-forward and I'm missing everything because of it. I feel like my mind is stuck on the same thoughts like a broken record player playing the same half-line of a song over and over and over. I want to move on, get over it, whatever it is at the moment. I'm always in a rush, but for no reason. It's like I'm running a marathon and I started out too fast so now, in the 18th mile, I'm too tired to keep running. I don't know what I'm trying to say right now, I'm just tired. Good-night, my friends.

stay safe

Re: in a rush
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 07:01:03 2001 (#6365)

i want to escape my life but still be a part of it....your post made me think of how often i feel like that and then i try to think about it and i lose my train of thought *poof*

Re: in a rush
Posted by mallory on Tue Apr 17 19:24:31 2001 (#6376)

its almost like there is two lives, the one were you feel like shit and in a rush a nd panicy and then there is the one were youare just you with a future and a heart and concousness, and its the other one i wannA kill butthen i dont wanna kill the other one. thats why when i was ganna take a bunch of pills and vodka i wanted to kill myself but i didnt want to die and end EVERYTHING. i just didnt want to wait for the gradual theoripy to kill the bad side of every thing, i wanted something fast, like suicide. its such a tearing situation. fucking frusterating.

ps" i cant spell a word if it crawled up my ass.

love mallory

bad night...
Posted by lys on Tue Apr 17 05:57:35 2001 (#6360)

I had a pretty bad night last night. I cut my arm up... now i have the razor in my hand and am about to do my legs and my other arm. Or I might just do some sort of deep ones with a few really deep ones. They hurt. They usually need stitches though. I feel like shit. I don't know even what is really wrong, but I want to die so bad. I don't see the point, you know? Why do I bother? People always tell me that I can't be selfish and kill myself, because some people care, and I don't really believe them. But even if they do, why should I keep sacrificing myself for them, when 20 years from now they will be fine? And I won't be? It is pointless. I am so tired of all of this shit.... I gave someone the advice last night to 'wait till tomorrow, because you don't know what it brings'. I don't want to be a hypocrite, so I will wait. For now I will cut. But I don't know what I am going to do. I am too tired to go on! sorry for all this, I just needed to say it. lyssie

Re: bad night...
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 06:23:19 2001 (#6363)

lys,

Even though I don't want you to cut I won't tell you not to. I'll just tell you to BE CAREFUL!!!

I know how you feel. I think it's scariest when you're so incredibly sad or depressed and you have no idea why.

I'm going to do the typical thing here and BEG you not to kill yourself. I know how it is when you don't believe it when people say that they "care" or that they "love you". I never used to either. So, I'll tell you that I care about you - I do - and that I'll miss you (even though I don't know you you're my sister on this board) but you probably won't believe me.

The thing that kept me alive when I felt like you do is the promise of possibility. If I had killed myself when I wanted to, I never would have met my boyfriend now whom I believe with every inch of my being in my soulmate. I never imagined this much happiness, but I knew it was possible. I knew that ANYTHING is possible. That idea kept me alive.

You're right - you don't know what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow could bring a million dollars, it could bring you your soulmate, it could bring something or someone that you really love. There are SO many possibilities in this life. I REALLY don't think it's right to just give up on it. Give it a chance. You'll die someday - why rush it? You have a whole life to live - LIVE IT!!! :) Just my opinion. Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: bad night...
Posted by lys on Tue Apr 17 17:32:19 2001 (#6370)

I had my soulmate.... he died in a car accident I caused over a year ago.... I killed him.... I seem to just hurt everyone around me, you know? Anyone I get close to ends up in so much pain and they suffer because of things that I did. Last night when I cut, it barely helped. It felt good, but it didn't stay like it usually does. I need new razors too.... mine are getting so dull.... thanks for replying, I am a bit better now (I always am in the mornings). lys

Re: bad night...
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:15:08 2001 (#6390)

Oh my God, lys, I am so incredibly sorry for your soulmate's death. I feel horrible for mentioning it. If you can get through that you can get through anything. You are so strong - keep it up. Lots of love.

Doris

Re: bad night...
Posted by lys on Tue Apr 17 22:23:58 2001 (#6395)

you shouldn't be sorry. I have been thinking about it non stop recently. My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD because of flashbacks and that stuff to when I was sexually abused, and right now they are really bad... I am at school too, so there isn't really anything I can do. I mean, my normal thing of rolling into a little ball and counting forewards and backwards to ten, that would involve police and ambulances and a whole shitload of trouble. So i will refrain from that. ut they are so real, it feels like he is doing it to me again and again and again. I can't stand it... thanks for responding and everything, and sorry I always bitch so much! take care lyssie

Re: bad night...
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:29:43 2001 (#6397)

You don't bitch!!! Never think that. I was reading your post and I thought of one suggestion. I know I've never been through what you have, but I find that I'm thinking about one thing non-stop is that I just get out my journal and write about it and then it gets out of my head. I don't know if this will work in your case but it worked in mine.

It's horrible that you're having realistic flashbacks. That must be really painful. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. Please try that writing thing - maybe it will help a little. Sorry I don't have more comforting words. Stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: bad night...
Posted by blue rose on Tue Apr 17 21:38:54 2001 (#6385)

You're beautiful, Doris.

That is wonderful advise for everyone.

stay safe

Re: bad night...
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:36:26 2001 (#6401)

aww, thank you :)

Re: bad night...
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 22:10:03 2001 (#6389)

you have to live for yourself and nobody else...cutting makes things better but it doesnt fix things....i hope we can all find a way to make life better....dont give up yet! i love ya!

the guilt
Posted by Nicole on Tue Apr 17 06:26:51 2001 (#6364)

Not only do i have the guilt of what i have done to myself from my parents, the fact that three of my best friends started doing it not long after they found out about me pisses me off and makes me want to cry. One of them even told me, "well, you said that whenever you did it you always felt better afterwards and it helped you cope" YOu can only imagine how much i wanted to slap her. And she doesn't even realize that she (as well as the others) have put this guilt on me. My parents started sending me to therapy, but the only reason that they found out is because my friend tattled on me to her mom (after her suicide attempt and trip to the hospital) and she called me up that night and made me tell my parents the next day. They're no help at all. So now one of my best friends has been locked up since february and I am constantly haunted by something that i can't stop. If you feel like replying please just e-mail me at Ray_of_Sunshine03@hotmail.com the address is a complete contradiction if you con't already tell. Later

~Nicole~

Re: the guilt
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 07:05:41 2001 (#6366)

Nicole,

I don't know what religion you are or how religious you are, but what I do to free myself of guilt is I pray. I lift up all my guilt to God and He takes care of it. Just my two cents about guilt.

I'm sorry your friends started cutting (I can only assume you meant cutting). Don't put that much responsibility on yourself - they consciously chose to start. You didn't hold a gun to their head. Your friends, and you, need to deal with their (and your) problems that cause you to cut, not on the cutting itself.

And I just wanted to say stick with therapy. If you find a good therapist (there are some great ones out there) then it can really really help. Be well!

Love and strength,

Doris

PLS READ! It might help.
Posted by Nicke on Tue Apr 17 21:25:20 2001 (#6382)

Nicole you don't need to live with this guilt anymore. I know exactly what you mean. A friend of mine found out about my SI and was really supportive of me. I got drunk one night and tried to take lots of paracetamol until I was arrested. About a week later this friend came home drunk and he had also just taken lots of paracetamol. A couple of weeks later he tried SI'ing. He had never even knew about any of this until he found out about me.

I felt very guilty until I thought about it and the eay I see it is that ppl have choices, and if your friends chose to do it then it is their choice, it is not as if you held the razor to her arm for her.

I also feel that if ppl SI it doesn't matter for what reason it means that they are crying out for help. (Well most of the time.)Maybe your friends have genuine problems. Therefore don't feel guilty just be there for them and look after them.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: PLS READ! It might help.
Posted by Nicole on Tue Apr 17 21:45:04 2001 (#6386)

First of all, i thank you for your advice. It's just that with the group of friends that i have (the ones that started cutting) i was like the mother figure to them, always there for them and I even cook for them. So i always feel a shred of guilt no matter how much i tell myself that they made the decision on their own. I haven't cut since late february but i can never tell how much longer it will last. As for them getting help, one is currently hospitalized, the other is in therapy and on meds, and the otherone claims that there is nothing wrong with her nad that she is fine now. She mom is sorta screwed up too and i think that is what's holding her back from getting help. But no matter what happens to them i WILL ALWAYS be there for them. Thanks again for your input ~Nicole~

Re: the guilt
Posted by Nicole on Tue Apr 17 21:36:44 2001 (#6384)

thank you for your response. Getting other people's input on situations like these really helps me a lot, seeing as i am always the one giving out advice. thank you also for the advice on praying, and i do have ways to deal. It's just that sometimes the attacks are so paralyzing and scary i can't think straight and at that moment it is the only way i feel that i can cope. thank you again ~Nicole~

Re: the guilt
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 22:19:00 2001 (#6391)

i am sorry about your friends and i know you must feel so horrible about it, but try to remeber that they have free will and they make their own decisions. u are not responsible for what they do. they could have just as easily found out about it somewhere else if you had not been there so do not blame yourself. it is their problem to deal with now so just focus on yourself in therapy and try to confront your own problems...maybe you will eventually be strong enough to help them discover why they turned to cutting too

Re: the guilt
Posted by Nicole on Wed Apr 18 03:57:48 2001 (#6415)

thank you for your confidence in me. it is taking a lot of hard work (since my cutting triggered a lot of other things like panic attacks and depression) but slowly i am hopefully getting better. i have been told my so many people that i shouldn't blame myself but something in the back of my mind just won't let me let go of that idea. probably because one of my friends flat out told me "well you said it helped you deal so i figured what the hell". Thanks again for your faith in me though. Blessed be, ~Nicole~

Re: the guilt
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 04:33:20 2001 (#6417)

i have panic attacks and depression too...i think it is ok if you feel guilty, just dont let the guilt control u.

i feel so alone with my cutting and at this point i like it because i feel so alone in all my other emotions...i guess i wouldnt want to share cutting with anybody else in my life.

Re: the guilt
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 18 19:22:43 2001 (#6448)

Elle, I feel alone in my cutting too. I feel as if no one understands my emotions, and I cut sometimes to make the hurt I feel inside turn into physical pain. I don't know, maybe that's weird of me. Ok this might be a pretty pointless post...I just wanted to tell you I kinda feel the same.

to everyone
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 09:08:57 2001 (#6367)

I wrote this in my head five minutes ago:

I have never met anyone as strong as you are.

With all you’ve been through, you’ve come this far.

You cry whenever you think about your past.

But I promise you this sadness won’t last.

The future is so much to live for.

There is so much that can happen – it’s so unsure.

Tomorrow may bring you peace.

You never know, just wait and see.

I want you to be happy – I really do.

I want all your hopes and dreams to come true.

You can get through it alone but I don’t want you to.

I want to do everything I can to be there for you.

Just remember through anything – from beginning to end,

You will always have me as a friend.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: to everyone
Posted by *me* on Tue Apr 17 17:10:01 2001 (#6369)

Awe hunny that's beautiful! Thank you! I am sitting here sobbing. I am totally going to print this out and read it everytime I am sad.

Lots of love

Re: to everyone
Posted by Jess on Tue Apr 17 19:23:57 2001 (#6375)

thats great!!!! gives me hope T H A N K Y O U !!!!!!!!!!!!!! love you all Jess

Re: to everyone
Posted by Nicole on Tue Apr 17 21:49:03 2001 (#6387)

that was beautiful! i have found that when things get so bad that i can't take it, i write it down and whatever else is on my mind. i have never been one to verbally express what i feel and open up so i just write it

Sincerely, ~Nicole~

Re: to everyone
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:20:00 2001 (#6392)

Nicole,

I'm the EXACT same way! I can never tell people how I'm feeling or what is on my mind. But, I can always write it - either in a poem or just in my journal. I think it's a great release of pain. I have used writing instead of cutting - it worked for me. Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: to everyone
Posted by Nicole on Wed Apr 18 03:52:20 2001 (#6414)

Doris,

I'm glad to know that there are other people like me. it helps a lot. i know there are obviously others like me but sometimes i feel like i am the only one that feels the way that i do. that is probably one of the things that i do the most to "take off the edge" and it seems to help a lot. the only bad thing is if i am in school people start bugging me about what i'm writing and the fact that i keep a journal with me. with the way things are in my school i'm surprised that no one has tried to snatch it. Actually, someone has but nothing bad happened because i got it back right away.

Blessed be, ~Nicole~

Re: to everyone
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 22:23:33 2001 (#6394)

another for me to print! i love it Doris! it gives me hope! thank you so much for sharing! you are a wonderful writer!

Re: to everyone
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:30:54 2001 (#6399)

aww, thank you

IM
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 22:39:26 2001 (#6403)

hey doris, if you are out there and you ever want to talk you can IM me at "Cutter Elle"

Re: to everyone
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 05:14:35 2001 (#6428)

doris you're the best!!!

Thanks
Posted by Sian on Tue Apr 17 16:07:09 2001 (#6368)

Thankyou all for the positive messages you posted in response to my somewhat desperate one last week. I went to the doctors and he gave me some anti-depressants and I'm seeing a councillor this week sometime. I've seen my ex since. Obviously I haven't told him everything, but he's been really supportive. Thanks for your advice and I hope you are all doing well.

Re: Thanks
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:22:23 2001 (#6393)

I am very glad that you are on medication and going to a counselor. Both of these methods really helped for me and I'll be praying that they help for you. I'm really happy that you're getting the support you need. Be well and stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Thanks
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 22:29:56 2001 (#6398)

i wish you luck in therapy and i hope your meds help!

crushed'neath the weight
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 17 19:56:48 2001 (#6378)

i am feeling the most terrible ever have. the therapist was going to made me feel so guilty and asked me repeating questions if i was gay (i am not) and this made me feel weird like why???? well i found out he's gay. yup he lives with his lover on his goat farm in my small town. i feel sooo cheated. i have nohing against gay people but he made me feel worse because of his problems.

the next therapist i went to made me feel like it was no big deal and i could smarten up and stop promptly. she made me feel like a phony. so now i am going to the dr, again tomorrow and strart my search again but i feel like giving up.

i love you all and hope you have strong hope for getting better while i go on in this sh*tty mess. Love

Julie

Re: crushed'neath the weight
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:25:43 2001 (#6396)

Julie,

I hated my first two therapists too. It's really hard to find one that you can truly talk to and feel comfortable with. I did finally find one with whom I developed a genuine friendship. I will be praying that you find one that you can trust. But, PLEASE don't give up!!! There are great ones out there, it just takes time to find one. And you are strong enough to find a good one for yourself. Be well and stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: crushed'neath the weight
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 22:36:43 2001 (#6402)

hang in there hon, hopefully you can find a therapist who understands you...the best advice i ever got regarding the choice of a therapist was, "you don't have to like them, you only have to believe deep in your soul that they have the power to help you" i hate my therapist as a person, he is a dick, but when he askes questions that bother me i know there must be a reason they bother me and he helps me search deeper to think of things and realize things about my life i never would have seen on my own...(this was nothing to do with the gay question) anyways, good luck

C YA!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Apr 17 21:10:33 2001 (#6381)

I have been at this board for four months now and I feel that it is my turn to say goodbye.

Sometimes too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. This board was good for me when I needed it but now I need a different kind of support that only I can provide.

I hope you can understand but I don't think this board will miss me much.

I hope you all find what you are looking for in life and that you get better in time.

I would also like to say sorry to Doris, Lost, elle and many others for never having spoken to them.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

P.S. I will post back every now and then to let those of you who will remember me know how I am doing.

Re: C YA!!!
Posted by Jess on Tue Apr 17 21:29:03 2001 (#6383)

i will miss you.you've helped me in bad times.I thank you for it.Have a good life.Live it to the full.You have control. love you loads.Good luck Jess

Re: C YA!!!
Posted by Nicole on Tue Apr 17 21:54:57 2001 (#6388)

good luck to you and blessed be. just know that you always have a place to go for advice and you can feel free to e-mail me for advice or anything. I'm good at that sort of thing. Good luck ~Nicole~

Re: C YA!!!
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 17 22:33:30 2001 (#6400)

I know we've never spoken but I'll miss you! I love reading your posts. I know exactly what you mean about needing a different kind of support. I wish you all the luck in the world and I'll be praying for your well-being and happiness. Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: C YA!!!
Posted by gnimia on Tue Apr 17 22:52:56 2001 (#6404)

Good luck!!!

xx

Re: C YA!!!
Posted by elle on Tue Apr 17 23:05:27 2001 (#6405)

good for you...i am glad you are getting on with your life, i too am sorry we never talked.

why
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 18 00:17:27 2001 (#6406)

why is everybody leaving? i dont see why your all making a fuss...it isnt like once your gone you can never ever come back. im never leavng for good. anyway, i will miss ya, but still....ah well whatever is clever

Re: why
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 00:49:49 2001 (#6408)

i think they just want to move on with their lives and leave the board for those who still need it. they have been helped by it but they are stronger now and they want to move on.

parental bitches
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 18 00:23:33 2001 (#6407)

What is with bitch ass parents? it aint mine, its my friend emma. her parents, or her mom at least...shes always calling emma selfish over nothing, then i bet they wonder why all she ever does is mope. not that its all she does...she is so talented, she writes great songs and sings, she is the nicest and most innecnt person ive ever met, in the sense that she doesnt harm ppl. not in a kiddy sense....shes just so sweet and nice, but not sugary so. shes honest and kind, and is intelligent and talented. she isnt a SIer but i felt this wpould be a place where ppl would understand bitchy mums. Why doesnt her mother notice these great things about her daughter? she just calls her selfish non-stop, over anything. i was on the fone to hr, she called her selfish immediately, rather than say can u be quiet please or whatevers....its mad. she throws fits over thigns, emma is getting to a suicidal point and i worry about her cuz ive been there and i hated it, i still do. im dreading going back to school, cuz ill be in the same place emma is, suicidal tendencitis. but it IS like a disease....errgh! what is with ppl! what does she want her daughter to grow up as, a fgucking whore? all the bitches ive ever known with shit mothers end up slutty little blkeached blondes who sleep about and make men kneel to thm cuz they dont feel loved. and i do the same. i aint blonde, and i dont SLEEP around...but i slut myself around as much as possible, its nothoing to do with parents, its not that i dont feel loved...but i feel kind of....i need some control fo my life, my entire life is a schedule. being bad...feels good. doing wrong is the only thing in my life that feels right. why is this????? ARTGH gterpowit[oszjmntfpoifmsoumdrp oszudtgrmhs

Re: parental bitches
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 02:08:24 2001 (#6410)

parents...i will never get them. i am very sorry for your friend. i wish there was some way to make her mom see how important she is and how her mom's words have hurt her....as for sleeping around, hon, its your choice but please be careful...you dont want to get pregnant or get any STDs....i will not preach, just be careful, you are a special person!

Hey hey HEYYYYYYY
Posted by WeaZLe on Fri Apr 20 20:59:39 2001 (#6586)

i dont sleep around! i just kinda...flirt with anything that moves lol. i dont shag....i just suck i guess. okay that was a REALLLy bad choice of words hehehe, anyways, i dont sleep around, and whenever i am active i use protection! and thats only been the damn once! lol seeya y'all and keep yeah heads up! ARGH more bad choices of words!!!

Re: Hey hey HEYYYYYYY
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 23:31:21 2001 (#6603)

didnt mean to imply anything or give you the whole safe sex talk...i have experienced the down side of consunsual sex and just want u to be safe.

Re: Hey hey HEYYYYYYY
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 23:31:34 2001 (#6604)

didnt mean to imply anything or give you the whole safe sex talk...i have experienced the down side of consunsual sex and just want u to be safe. p.s. you crack me up!

any peeps?
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 02:11:55 2001 (#6411)

ok, i am dying of boredom here.... anyone out there? IM me at "Cutter Elle"

Re: any peeps?
Posted by Nicole on Wed Apr 18 04:04:50 2001 (#6416)

what instant messenger service do you have? i have msn messenger service and i am under Ray_of_Sunshine03. e-mail me and let me know if you would like to chat because i'll get it faster ~Nicole~

Re: any peeps?
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 04:36:19 2001 (#6418)

i have AIM

Re: any peeps?
Posted by blue rose on Wed Apr 18 06:25:31 2001 (#6433)

I'm "rose aik" if anyone wants to talk. I'm always online but I'm not always at my puter.

stay safe

ya know what i hate?
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 04:38:49 2001 (#6419)

that big green banner at the top of the board that says "SELF INJURY" you can see it from like a million miles away so everyone knows what you are looking at on the internet

Re: ya know what i hate?
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 04:55:49 2001 (#6421)

it sucks in a library.

Re: ya know what i hate?
Posted by blue rose on Wed Apr 18 06:27:11 2001 (#6434)

I've always hated that too. Someone should e-mail the person who designed this board and have them change it. I suppose I could, but laziness has taken over once again, so I won't.

Re: ya know what i hate?
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 18 19:26:15 2001 (#6449)

ME TOO! I always have to be careful when I go online, because I don't want my family to see it! I always have to close the screen really really quickly if anyone comes anywhere near the computer!

I AM BACK.THE ONES WHO KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Wed Apr 18 04:53:05 2001 (#6420)

hey guys

i know that it has been a while since i have been here.i am a lot better now.my life is not all messed up.i am not going to be here as much as i used to be.i am proud of myself.i have not cut in 4 months.i have not burned in 2 months.i hope that i am beating this thing finaly.to all of those people that think that you will never get better,look at me,i had so much in my life happen to me that i thought i was going to be dead before i was 18 years old.now i am 3 months away from turning 18.you have to believe in yourself and you can make it through anything that comes in your path.i have been in your place.i have wanted death so bad that i started to slit my own wrist and i licked my own blood as it seeped out of my skin.the only thing that stopped me was my mom.she walked in and saw what i was doing and stopped me.i made several more tries but they all fell through.i am glad that they did.i am glad to be alive.i still have my days.i still have to fight depression and add and self mutilation.i am still glad that i am alive.i have a great respect for my life.especially when you even come close to death.well i am gonna jet for now.if any of you need to talk just e-mail me.i am here for you.

Your Friend,

Tara Butterbaugh

Re: I AM BACK.THE ONES WHO KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 04:58:46 2001 (#6423)

i don't know you but you give me hope. i just turned 18!!!!

Re: I AM BACK.THE ONES WHO KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 05:00:17 2001 (#6424)

welcome back and congratulations on your newfound perspective on life. way to go!
:o)

Re: I AM BACK.THE ONES WHO KNOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 18 06:40:32 2001 (#6436)

Wow, what a great story. I'm so incredibly happy that you are better now. I remember your posts from before - I remember how sad you were. It fills me with so much hope and strength knowing that you are okay. Thank you for your post and welcome back. Be well and stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

elle's epiphany
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 04:56:55 2001 (#6422)

i just had a breakthrough and though i'd share...

when i first came to psyke i was looking for the first time in my life to stop cutting. i wanted to stop because i felt like a freak and i felt so alone and that overpowered the benefits of cutting....so i went online to find people who could understand me and help me stay strong while i tried to stop. soon, however, due to your overwhelming kindness and support i lost touch with that alone feeling and focused soley on not cutting instead of why i needed to stop. i feel that here in many ways cutting is a tolerated behavoir and that is why it has been so hard to stop becuase for the first time it feels like cutting does not isolate me it unifies me. ok, i know this is getting complex and lengthy so i will try to sum it up... i am not ready to leave psyke. it is a crutch but it also holds me back in my struggle to stop and makes me more upset that i dont know y'all in real life. so basically i thought this board was the one thing i wasnt confused about in my life right now and now i see that it is more complex than i thought. i am not leaving yet, i still need you all....i am just getting very confused. the damn therapy has my head spinning in circles and questioning every little thing i do. psyke holds me back becuase i feel cutting is accepted but in reality cutting is not accepted in the real world but it also gives me strength to know others have made it and i have the power to help those who are following along side me in my struggle.

Re: elle's epiphany
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 05:05:51 2001 (#6426)

I'm glad you shared that because I came here for similar reasons. One thing is that i always felt special after i cut, my own secret that no one knew about. it amused me and made me laugh to talk to people through the doors of bathrooms while i was cutting. weird hey? well anyways it is no longer that "private secret pleasure" (as my brother says) but i still haven't stopped but here is one way i am getting better: i cried in front of my mom. this is a huge deal to me even if it seems like nothing. starting to ramble. love julie

Re: elle's epiphany
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 05:21:32 2001 (#6429)

i know exactly what you mean, i felt like i was getting away with murder when i would calmly say something through the door to my mom...but now everyone knows....cutting just makes things worse now instead of better becuase it isnt secret

Re: elle's epiphany
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 18 06:45:43 2001 (#6437)

I know how you feel. Psyke has the same effect on me - thinking it's accepted. I feel like "hey, they're cutting.. why can't I?" And that is NOT a healthy was for me to think right now. Sometimes I think about leaving... but then I remember that I love you guys and I never abandon people I love. I will stay here as long as I'm able to. My love to everyone, and you, elle.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: elle's epiphany
Posted by Angel on Wed Apr 18 13:38:35 2001 (#6444)

what would be really good is if we could all meet up somewhere and just have fun. None of us would be acting different around us because we would all know what we are going through. I like psyke it brings you to people who are in the same boat as you when you though you were alon xx

my new tip
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 05:05:12 2001 (#6425)

ok, i dont know about you guys but as summer approaches i have a love/hate relationship with my cuts and scars...i love them and i also hate how they look. well, right now i am hating them so i will share my miracle heal with everyone. do you know vitamin e gel tabs? they are like yellow? if you open them and spread the stuff inside on cuts and scars it REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY helps cuts heal quicker and reduce the visibility of scars. try it - its better than anything that is made to heal cuts and scars, i swear!

Re: my new tip
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 05:09:32 2001 (#6427)

my mom told me to do that, but my big mistake was to go tanning. now i have bright red angry scars. i read this thing how to reduce scarring and it seemed i was doing everything to increase it. whoops big bad mistake.

Re: my new tip
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 05:23:20 2001 (#6431)

controversy: does salt increase or reduce scarring? becuase when i go in the ocean it helps heal my cuts faster....

Re: my new tip
Posted by Maggie on Wed Apr 18 12:18:26 2001 (#6442)

Hey I heard swimming in chlorinated pools helps too.

Vitamin E oil really helps!!!

And you're right that tanning is bad mistake for scars... they go red and stay that way.

Re: my new tip
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 05:14:07 2001 (#6478)

I have been preaching about vitamin e for so long, and no one listens... dude... as for salt, I have no idea, but never (and I mean NEVER) pour salt on a large wound and leave it on. that causes large black/purple scars that do not go away and require surgery to cut away and replace the skin with skin graft type things. NEVER EVER EVER EVER USE SALT!!!! if you are into the pain thing, do vinegar, but I swear to god salt is evil... sorry bout my rant :p take care! lyssie

What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 05:23:08 2001 (#6430)

i have noticed a fair amount of people feeling hostility towards blonds on this board. so there are some typical dumb blonds but i am certainly not one. i am naturally blond and have always wished for dark hair. right now though i am growing my hair to my butt. in case anyone cares

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 05:24:58 2001 (#6432)

hey me 2 i am growing my hair down.

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 18 06:50:30 2001 (#6438)

I have been dyeing my hair every few months for the past five years. My mom said I could have any hair color as long as it's a real hair color. So, I'm exhausted every hair color there is (even combinations of them). I chopped my hair myself a few months ago. I chopped it all off. I was disgusted with myself because of my cutting so I took it out on my hair. Now, I can't WAIT for it to grow back.

Wow, that was really meaningless and boring. I'm sorry if you read that. :)

Doris

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by Kate on Wed Apr 18 13:55:08 2001 (#6445)

Nothing is wrong with them. I'm talking about the certain airhead blondes on TV. Thats all. I know your not one.

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by WeaZLe on Fri Apr 20 21:03:59 2001 (#6587)

yeh, its possible that ive made a remark about blondes (not sure though) probably though, and if i did, im talking about those stupid FAKE blondes who wear almost nothing and are PROUD and WANT to be known as sluts, the kind in porno production lol. the kind of ppl who pretend to be dumb so they can get men, even if they are real intelligent (although they cant be if they stoop that low for stupidass men)

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 21:28:04 2001 (#6593)

nah, sounds like fun...my only weird color was dark green on my bottom layer of hair so you can see when it's up...it's washed out really quickly but left a bit of green that looked like I'd spent too long in chlorine for like a year...

hair kicks ass!!!
Posted by lys on Wed Apr 18 23:07:34 2001 (#6456)

I am naaturally blonde but I have been dying it a red color for almost a ear now. It looks very natural. I am growing my hair too... It was getting really long (for me anyways) and my mom decided it needed to have 1/2 an inch trimmed off. She hacked of over 4 inches. I cried. It just wasn't my day. And that was the second time it happened too. And since Doris was saying how meaningless her post was, I thought I would just add that my cat smells like rotten cat food. And he is trying to clean a temporary tattoo off of my arm. He is kind of stupid. have fun and brush your hair (I am really hyper and silly right now) lyssie

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 21:24:38 2001 (#6591)

have blond-brown hair with red and blond highlights...got sick of it and used an almost black red that's supposed to wash out of darker hair in about a month but guess my hair was too light and it's still dark...I don't mind it though, doesn't look bad...am going to dye it burgundy in a couple weeks (which is what I meant to do in the first place, but it didn't come out like the front of the box for the first time)...am also growing it to my butt again...also trying to get myself to wear it down sometimes...it's just so easy to put it in a ponytail and leave...to staticy in the winter, too hot in the summer...(yay, a not depressing message)

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by Strider on Thu Apr 26 07:43:40 2001 (#6832)

heh, nothing at all, nothing at all!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: What's wrong with blonds????
Posted by stacy on Sat Apr 28 22:20:33 2001 (#6904)

blonds are not stupid.

Just when I thought I was better...
Posted by Maggie on Wed Apr 18 12:26:57 2001 (#6443)

Ok... I thought I was cured of SI. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... a leopard never loses his stripe, or a cutter never loses the blade.

My SI has taken on a whole new approach. The other day I cut the word 'LIVE' onto my chest. I was so proud of it every time i saw it going into the shower. After all it is positive.

But tonight I impulsively carved 'INSANE' onto my lower leg, and 'DIE FREAK' onto my upper thigh. What the hell is wrong with me???

I keep having to resist the urge to carve insults on to myself.

DO I NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY?

Re: Just when I thought I was better...
Posted by gnimia on Wed Apr 18 14:32:48 2001 (#6447)

No! in my opinion cutting insults is really no different from normal cutting (hmmm, odd choice of words there). if you cant express how you feel verbally, then it is your only choice. As long as you are being careful with the cuts and taking care of them then being hospitalised is not nesacery. Do you have a good counselour or therapist or something? im sure they will say something similar. Good luck. xxx

Re: Just when I thought I was better...
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 21:40:29 2001 (#6452)

i am sorry for your relapse. let me give you one piece of advice...get rid of everything sharp. i know how hard this is but for me at least it is the only way not to cut. i think that i need my blades, just carry them around, i wont use them, but i always end up using them. so, while you feel stron get rid of everything u use to cut and dont let yourself buy more razors or anything

Re: Just when I thought I was better...
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 23:25:46 2001 (#6457)

I certainly don't think you need to be locked up. If you quit once I am sure you can quit again. Just don't give up because you cut again. I think it is an ongoing process which will get easier, but i am just rambling and don't really know, but take care. love julie

Re: Just when I thought I was better...
Posted by Maggie on Thu Apr 19 10:47:00 2001 (#6481)

Thanks guys. You all have good advice. For now I will just admire the current artwork on my body, and not make anymore. I will also make sure that I don't take blades into the bath with me anymore.

Love and Hugs, Maggie

My need to cut
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 18 19:38:06 2001 (#6450)

Ok, from reading this board I have gotten the impression that most of you have stopped SIing, or really want to. Is there something wrong with me that I don't really feel like I can or in fact WANT to stop? Cutting or bruising makes me feel better. If I stopped, I don't know what I would do. Am I even stranger than I thought? What is wrong with me that, while everyone else seems to want to stop, I don't? In some ways I feel like I don't belong here.

Re: My need to cut
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 18 21:23:41 2001 (#6451)

some know it's not a good thing but don't want to stop now

Re: My need to cut
Posted by Kate on Wed Apr 18 22:19:48 2001 (#6455)

Hi its nice to see you are back.

Re: My need to cut
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 19 22:15:34 2001 (#6503)

thanks

Re: My need to cut
Posted by elle on Wed Apr 18 21:57:18 2001 (#6453)

oh sweetie, you totally belong....i never wanted to stop or saw anything wrong with it. i love it. but then i cut so deep that i bled so much that i fainted and i scared myself....so i decided that there had to be more effective ways of dealing with emotional pain. most of the time i still dont want to quit and i cant remeber the reasons i am trying to stop....life is so hard without SI and i dont have to ability to deal with it....that is what i am trying to learn in therapy. we love you and will support you through the hard times in your life...and like in my epiphany cutting is accepted here so that makes you blind to the fact that it is not accepted in the real world and is therefor not an adequate coping tool....it is effective because it keeps you together but it is only a temporary fix. the permanent fix lies in facing your emotions.

Re: My need to cut
Posted by Kate on Wed Apr 18 22:18:33 2001 (#6454)

No there is nothing wrong. I have quit but want to cut so bad. I did it last summer and I wanted to keep it up. But I finally told my mom and sister so every time I cut I feel like I am hurting them. Does this make sense? There is nothing wrong with you. YOu have to want to quit to finally quit.

Re: My need to cut
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 23:31:40 2001 (#6458)

I always say i want to quit but i haven't and sometimes i think that i don't want to quit at all. i get to thinking that it doesn't hurt anyone else and at least i am not taking my anger out on others. other times though i get so depressed and start realizing how cutting is destroying me and as much as i say i am in control i think i am a slave to cutting.so you surely belong here and there is reasons to quit even if it makes us feel so good. take care julie

plz read
Posted by *me* on Thu Apr 19 02:42:57 2001 (#6462)

Thank you for replying. I'm feeling really bummed out today, and I for some reason just felt out of place and stupid here for not quitting and for not wanting to and I felt so awkward. You're posts made me cry! It's nice to feel welcome here, where people understand.

Re: plz read
Posted by WeaZLe on Mon Apr 23 22:46:56 2001 (#6724)

I totally relate hun....i don't want to quit at all and if i lived alone im sure i wouldnt....cuz really....i haven't much of a problem with stopping except for occasional dowfalls....but my parents guilt trip me when they see scars or anything....it pisses me off....i love cutting....its part of me. its like a peircing or a tattoo to me, its something i like in ways yet hate in others....ah well.....cant explain,.

Re: My need to cut
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 02:57:52 2001 (#6464)

I love cutting. I don't want to stop, but I am sort of being forced to. I hate feeling so out of control with it, but cutting is the only thing left that makes me feel better anymore, so why should I stop?? I am tired of listening to everyone around me telling me that I should stop, that I have to stop. what is a scar? it is nothing. I would gladly trade that for the few seconds I get where I feel good, even if I do feel guilty after. And you know what? it feels really good to say that. I am sick and tired of pretending that I want to try, because I really don't see the point in even bothering anymore when it does absolutely nothing. I just wanted to say that. I am just so fed up with people expecting me to WANT to get better, when I just want to leave this place!!! take care lyssie

Re: My need to cut
Posted by razor on Thu Apr 19 19:19:15 2001 (#6489)

NO, cutting is your fate. You can't stop it from happening, cuz one day you'll be having what you would call the worst day of your life, it will then get to the point where you can't take it anymore....then comes the razor. At that moment you have just given up all hope and beleif in yourself. People that know about your problem will say you need help, when in fact you have already Psychoanalyzed yourself. You know that you are in control of your life, whether or not you live or die. It is all on you to decide. Your not crazy, you don't need help, the people causing what happens are the ones that need help, with their prejudging statements, and their king shit attitudes. But in all actuality they are anything but perfect. Fuck those people, you my freinds are in control, if cutting is your outlet, then cut on. Release yourself and your mind and everything WILL be alright.

reasons to quit
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 18 23:42:37 2001 (#6459)

Sometimes i can't think of why i should quit but here is why i think i should quit now.

1. no more bloody clothes 2. no more astronomical prices spent on bandaids, steri strips, sterile dressings, and infection killing creams.(almost as much $ as smoking)J.K. 3. no longer have to hide fresh cuts. 4. no more smelling blood in the bath or shower or where ever. 5.gratification of knowing it's gone. 6. freedom (it is an addiction for me) 7.knowing that i have learned from a victorios experience. 8. so i have control over my f*cking actions 9.so i can freak people out with my scars and tell them what it's from(it is too akward when you haven't stopped) 10.so i can stop feeling like a caged animal. 11. so i can respect myself (it is true although it sounds sappy)

Re: reasons to quit
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 00:02:19 2001 (#6460)

Can I add a few?

- so you can post a message here saying "I quit" and you can get all the great responses of all your friends here being so proud of you

- so you can tell people "I used to hurt myself, but I'm better now" (I LOVE saying that)

- so you can be proud of yourself knowing that you survived this experience

- so you can look back and say "That's not me anymore"

- so you can tell everyone who knows you cut "I quit" and have them hug you and never let go

- so you can watch your scars heal (you have to let them heal - I didn't at first) and fade away

I know Julie said this, but I'm going to repeat it...

- so you can respect yourself

I love you guys.

Love and strength to my sisters,

Doris

Re: reasons to quit
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 04:16:22 2001 (#6468)

i HATE HATE HATE HATE that my scars are fading....i feel that if i let them go then my emotional pain will no longer be real and that everyone will think i am "cured" when i am still feeling just as crappy as before. i have been a fanatic scab picker this past week...trying as hard as i can not to let them fade away.

Re: reasons to quit
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 04:26:59 2001 (#6470)

I used to do that too. One time I put tape all over all my cuts and ripped it off to re-open all of them. I would pick and bite and make sure they don't heal. But, now that I've quit, I am SO incredibly ashamed that I can see them at all. I know they're going to be there the rest of my life and I hate when people ask. Most people don't react too well to things like that, as I'm sure you know. I just hate my scars now. My only point was that if you quit, you may feel differently about your scars. Just a thought.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: reasons to quit
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 05:01:50 2001 (#6476)

i just dont want to let go of them, i dont care what everyone else thinks, fuck the world, if they have a problem with them its their problem...its hot out now and i wear t-shirts all the time, i dont care!

Re: reasons to quit
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 04:12:42 2001 (#6467)

i HATE HATE HATE HATE the smell of blood, if often has made me puke....thanx for the reminders. they are most of my reasons too...i printed this, its nice to see them in writing.

Re: reasons to quit
Posted by razor on Thu Apr 19 19:30:28 2001 (#6491)

You are all trying to convince yourselves that you need help, you are doing what everyone wants you to do, whos in control now? You people do not have a problem, stop trying to convince yourself that you do.

Poetic Justice
Posted by The Mad Hatter on Thu Apr 19 01:54:25 2001 (#6461)

Is there no end to the inherrant need of society for scapegoats and the like to be pressed under whole fingers... Is there no real semblance to the black liquid that pours from the deep wounds left by a beast that can only survive within and only be fathomed by an elitist group of people... is there no reason to stop the cold sweet flow as it slips precariously to the edge and finally over and down to the floor...?

Understanding Bear

Chaos breeds in the stagnant pools of anarchy As a flower grows amongst the weeds Spirals shifting slowly incorporating the malicious indignance Of the bear glaring about the corner

From deep within the sightless eyes of society Beneath the cloudless sky in the meadows of insanity Otherwise the mind of the indulgent sociopath The bear frolics beneath the shimmering rain

Within the inherent stillness that captivates the mind The shining circle holds conscious thought The hollow eye blinks to the light The bear looks on in the state of torpor

In the face of the rabid clown The object of the laughter dulls It is he who begins to cry And it is the bear who drinks the tears

I am the bear and no one loves me... drowning in a sea of red tears... save me?

no reason -

Moridhin

Re: Poetic Justice
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 04:20:04 2001 (#6469)

i am speechless. i had to read that like 20 times. amazing poem. thank you for sharing. good luck in your life

Re: Poetic Justice
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 04:30:14 2001 (#6471)

Wow, that was amazing. I can't think of anything more to say than "wow." I'm severely impressed. Thanks for sharing.

Love and strength,

Doris

some more questions from my head!
Posted by *me* on Thu Apr 19 02:54:47 2001 (#6463)

Alright, I have (yet again) more questions. From being here I have also noticed that most people here have been "found out" or told people that they SI. I don't think I can ever do that. Is there anyone else here living with the secret? Can anyone give me some advice on how I can stop feeling so guilty and shameful without having to tell anyone?

I feel so absolutely horrible today! I felt perfectly fine this morning and this afternoon I started feeling awful and that's when I first came on today saying I felt out of place here and now I just feel sad and silly and my emotions are all a wreck. Stupid stupid stupid doctor if I didn't have to go there next week I could go cut and it would make things better for a while! God o God I feel so crappy!!!!!!!!!

Ok now changing the subject to another question. I don't cut that deep. When I read here how people cut so deep...am I the only one who doesn't? I cut enough to draw some blood, and to leave a cut there for quite a while, and some have left scars, but I never make looong cuts or deep cuts. I don't know quite why I'm posting this but I just felt strange (again) because I felt so different. I hate feeling different. And I know compaired to the rest of society I am.

Ok this is getting really long so I'll shut up now. Sorry.

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 03:06:14 2001 (#6465)

I feel really guilty all of the time, regardless of the fact that everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) knows about my cutting. It is so annoying!! I never used to cut deep, and then I was doing it everyday and they just started getting deeper and deeper. It is almost a test of courage when I do deep ones, but most of the cuts I do are fairly shallow, and don't leave scars that are too dark. I am a little bit confused though. Does your doctor know? or is it just your family who doesn't. what type of doctor is it??? sorry for the return questions, but I am a little lost! lyssie

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by *me* on Thu Apr 19 19:40:58 2001 (#6492)

Hey Lyssie! Thought I'd answer your questions...sorry for being vague before, I was just kind of spilling all the feelings out and didn't even realize that they might not make sense to everyone! lol. NO ONE in the entire world except for the people on this board know that I SI. I am going for a physical next week that I am NOT looking forward to, and I have stopped SIing for the two weeks leading up to the appointment so that the cuts I have will heal (though they're still visible, I guess I'm going to have to cover them somehow..) and there won't be any new ones for the doctor to find. Hope I've made it clearer now, sorry bout that!

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 02:11:27 2001 (#6527)

oh, I get it now... I hate physicals..... what is it for??? I had to get one before I spent a week on a military base for cadets. I used cover up on my cuts before, but it is SO IMPORTANT that you NEVER put ANY make up on ANY open cuts!!!!! but coverup does hide them a bit.... take care and thanks, lyssie

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 02:49:49 2001 (#6529)

My mom scheduled one for me because I've been sick lately, I got mono and then like a really bad cold or the flu or something, and I haven't really gotten better. The cuts have healed in the sense that they're no longer open (or even scabbed, the ointment and lotion works wonders LOL) but they're still very visible, reddish/purpleish marks. I'm thinking about coverup. And I thought maybe bracelets would cover my wrist, although I NEVER wear bracelets on my left wrist, only my right, so people might wonder about that...but hey, I'd rather have them ask about bracelets then about cuts!!!!

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 05:50:55 2001 (#6552)

my advice would be to wear the bracelets. At least they are covered. And you could start wearing them now so it doesn't raise too many eyebrows the day of. good luck! lyssie

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 21:22:31 2001 (#6590)

Thanks! I'm going to start wearing them tonight! Haha. Bc I figure all they really need to do w/ my arm is draw blood and take my blood pressure, so my doc won't really look at my wrist, but I'll be in that stupid little paper robe so I'll need to cover it anyways. So I'm going with the bracelets. Hope it works.

hospital gowns suck!!!!
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 22:13:51 2001 (#6598)

and I am terrified of needles.... I was put in restraints for a blood test once.... dude, it sucked!!!

Re: hospital gowns suck!!!!
Posted by *me* on Sat Apr 21 06:44:17 2001 (#6625)

I HATE DOCTORS!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooo dreading this visit.

Re: hospital gowns suck!!!!
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 04:19:54 2001 (#6860)

lissi lyssi lyssi, Docs. and the whole hospital thing exsist for a reason. your best bet is to put up with it and get it over with. (of corse after I broke my ribs I wouldn't go near a hospital, but oh well... I'm an idiot,lol)

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 04:33:49 2001 (#6472)

I never used to cut deep at all. I cut deep enough to draw a fair amount of blood. Just sliced off a few layers of skin - no big gash or anything. I never needed stiches or anything like that. When I read about cuts that deep I cringe. I hope everyone out there is ok. And, *me*, you can get through this!!! I know it's hard to stop - even for a short while. But, you're strong enough. I know it. Stay strong and be well. And post here whenever you want to cut or you feel sad. We love hearing from you! :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 04:42:18 2001 (#6474)

please dont ever feel out of place...everyone here can understand you on some basic level...

For most of my life as a cutter i considered people fiinding out the most horrible thing that could ever happen...i could not imagine how my life would be if my parents/friends knew. i couldnt even think about it, too horrible for words. but when i began to see that i was different and began to feel the downside of cutting i decided i needed to talk to someone about it but i didnt want my parents to know. i couldnt deal with how they would react....later therapists thought it was becuase i didnt want to hurt them but it was more than that and i dont think the therapists could understand the sheer terror i had of my parents finding out and i can not even explain it in words, although i know you understand that feeling. so, one day when i was sent to the school therapist she told me that whatever i told her would just be between the two of us and that she would not tell anyone the stuff i told her....well, as you can probably guess, i spilled my guts to her because i was going on 4 years as a cutter and i couldnt stand being so alone in it anymore...this was shortly after i found psyke, before psyke i had never known that other people cut, i thought it was just something i alone did. so, anyway, she talked to her supervisor the night i told her and the next morning she called in my mom and decided to violate my confidence and told my parents.... IT WAS BY FAR THE WORST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely felt like i would just die if anyone knew...i understand how you feel....and from that horrible moment my life has begun to improve....cutting is just a symptom of deeper problems...i truly didnt believe there was anything in my life horrible enough to warrant my behavoir but i was in denial...i was unable to realize that little things that may not affect other people can add up....i am trying desperatly now to learn how to be a more direct person and experience my emotions without letting them control me or my life. I am still very confused...i hope my long story here helps you see that coming out about SI is very hard and inevitable...this is just a testimony that i am still here. the world did not end when people found out i cut and it was not as horrible as i thought. i still wish they hadnt found out, but i guess i cannot live in denial forever.

As for cutting deep, for a long time, i only cut so that they were shallow cuts that would last like a week or two...then that was not enough i started to go deeper and longer and making more cuts...it got pretty bad in my opinion. i have cut down to bone on my shins...so, i cant really help you there..i just hope you dont get to the point where the desire to go deeper is too great and you cant stop. i think i told that lady that i cut becuase i realized that for most of my cutting years it was something i controlled and then it was getting to the point that it controlled me and that just made everything in my life worse.....

i am way off on a tangent. i hope i helped a little. good luck. be strong and hang in there. all my love!

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by *me* on Thu Apr 19 19:50:55 2001 (#6493)

I do know that feeling, Elle, if my family found out...

Thank you for your kind post. You have no idea how hard it made my cry to know that people understand and do not judge me and I can post all my wacked up feelings and people will still accept me. You all have helped more than you know.

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by Maggie on Thu Apr 19 11:48:09 2001 (#6482)

Hi "me".

I have read your last few posts, and you seem to be questioning how well you fit in. It doesn't matter if some of us have quit SI and some of us haven't, if some of us cut deep and some of us don't, if some of us have told people, and other's haven't. The thing is about this group is that we DON'T judge each other. We all have equal rights to post here, and equal rights to the support we need. There is no criteria to being accepted as an SIer. Everyone here is so different but we care about each other - and that is the only thing we need to be united by.

Love and Hugs, Maggie.

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 18:58:23 2001 (#6486)

Well said, Maggie. :)

Re: some more questions (attn maggie and doris)
Posted by *me* on Thu Apr 19 19:54:05 2001 (#6494)

Thank you both for your kind posts. I was feeling so awful yesterday, I don't know why, the feeling just came over me and I felt as if I didn't belong anywhere. I feel better today, esp thanks to everyone's kind responses. Thank you.

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 19 22:28:29 2001 (#6505)

my family has never known...that would be a lot worse. a few friends know I did it in the past but don't know I still do it...I only feel guilty if I make an obvious cut or scratch in a visible place and have to lie about it but usually I keep them hidden so people don't have to wonder...they're all over my legs and stomach, sometimes breasts...I've never cut deep enough to need stitches...deepest I must have gone were when I pierced my ears and bellybutton (bellybutton was a bad idea but you can read about that in a post way up there if you want)...other than that I sometimes cut long or words...I more often scratch until I bleed now instead of cutting...usually old scars are only visible to me b/c I know about them...some stay for a while, like the scratch on the back of my hand I did in Jan. is still dark...that's one I had to lie about, sort of...anyway, take care

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 02:53:25 2001 (#6530)

I don't think I'd tell my friends, most would go tell the school counselor, or their parents. My best friend is the only one I think I could possibly trust with this information, and even her I don't think I trust completely to not tell. I do a lot of scratching too. I'm always worried about cutting too deep when I use scizzors (although I still use them a lot), but scratching and digging works well for me.

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 09:45:42 2001 (#6575)

yeah, no one knows I still do it...I was thinking of telling a good friend, but I was just starting to tell her I was really depressed and then backed off when she looked worried...

stomach looks like I fought with a tiger or something a month ago...(presummably it would've gone deeper)...a cut tonight bled a while...oh well...just been thinking...why does my body exist anyway...I hate being here

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 21:25:28 2001 (#6592)

I hate being here too, but I try to tell myself that it will get better eventually. I don't always believe myself, but that's what I keep saying.

My best friend knows that I took a quiz online and that it told me I was severely depressed. She thought it was funny. I don't think she realizes I actually feel awful and depressed. I think she thinks it's a joke. So I don't dare tell her about the cutting.

Re: some more questions from my head!
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 21:35:28 2001 (#6595)

I don't believe it will get better but I don't want to upset anyone else...yeah, only one person knows how bad I feel sometimes but they're online

poems about cutting and eating disorders...
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 03:08:46 2001 (#6466)

I wrote the first poem in July, and I really like it and I thought I would share it with you. I didn't name it, a friend of mine did, but it is perfect I think! Oh yeah, and the lay out is mega important to (visually) but it won't show up... Eating disorder: Not otherwise specified

Let it be decreed, in this war of power: Fat: my enemy It's weapon: food My weapon: control

Anorexia nervosa. Bulimia nervosa. Orthorexia. Let us not forget the in betweens, such as non-purging bulimia. All of these transpiring in a circle that ticks like a clock, on a restaurant schedule: Breakfast- am I hungry? Lunch- hungry, full? Dinner- full? Dessert- full?!?!

And then again:

Breakfast- hungry? Lunch, dinner- hungry, full? Dessert- full?

All the while, the clock turns: tick, tock, tick, tock... People enter my restaurant, wiping their feet on me as they come in. The meals are fresh, and referred to in the same manner as Hannibal (the Cannibal) Lecter. They feed on my heart, my soul. They destry me. And all the while:

Tick tock (breakfast) Tick tock (lunch) Tick tock (dinner)

Sorry, I'm closed.

The next one, I wrote on March 3rd (while in hospital) is actually about cutting. I don't know if I really like it though!

Untitled

The blood- deep red, like a childhood storybook (I can't quite remember) And dolls and lies and not quite truths leaving a trail, like the words a history of scars on a page (my arms, my legs in my head) Its all in my head thats what they tell me But the blood (that is not) is outside it is pain and it is mine to have and give and keep for me. It is mine.

Anywho, my little poems that I wrote. I went on a writing spree in march, but now i am completely blocked again. Dude, it sucks. I am telling you. Oh, and now I bitch for a sec. My sister just called me and decided that now was a good time to remind me that I am destroying my family, my mom and my little sisters, and that I should be ashamed of myself, and then she said that I should feel really bad that she had to babysit for mom when I was in the hospital. The problem with all this is that I do feel bad, and I feel like I am drowning, and I really really hate her, and I hate myself for being able to say it and FUCKK!!!!! Sorry bout that.... I am just a little bit upset with her... take care! lyssie

Re: poems about cutting and eating disorders...
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 04:37:53 2001 (#6473)

I really liked those poems - I really did. I think you have a true gift at writing. I hate it when I'm blocked - it sucks big time.

I'm sorry about your sister. Reminds me of mine - always tells me what a selfish, horrible person I am. The weird thing is - it doesn't make me hate her, it makes me hate myself and resent her for my self-hatred. So, I know how you feel. It's a horrible feeling. All I can say is stay strong, and we love you.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: poems about cutting and eating disorders...
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 05:08:52 2001 (#6477)

I really wish I could hate her.... but I feel the same way, it makes me hate me more... it really is horrible.... I let her have so much control over me, and I can't do anything about it.... take care of yourself, and I am glad you liked the poems! lyssie

Re: poems about cutting and eating disorders...
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 04:58:17 2001 (#6475)

thank you for sharing your poems. i really like them, i hope you get unblocked soon.

i think you should tell your sister how much what she says hurts and that you do feel guilty...somewhere, even if it is very deep down, she loves you and maybe being honest with her would help your relationship. hang in there.

heat
Posted by blue rose on Thu Apr 19 07:22:11 2001 (#6479)

Now is the time for sleep. Now is the time for sweet and innocent slumber. Now is the time I wrap up with my blankets and pillows and slip away into oblivion.

Now is not the time for thoughts. Not these thoughts anyway. This is not the time for heating metal until it glows and pressing it against my skin. I was, maybe still am, a cutter. I've never burnt myself on purpose. It's just not something I did. Now, I sit here with this lighter in my hand waiting for the metal to heat up and then promptly press it to my arm. Life turns on you sometimes, know what I mean?

stay safe

Re: heat
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 07:44:27 2001 (#6480)

Wow... that really moved me. I hope you're okay. Stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: heat
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 17:50:58 2001 (#6483)

moving, i hope you are ok there...cutting was something i did naturally, never heard of it before i did it, have had the urge to burn since i found out about it, but dont think i will. hang in there, ill be praying for u!

losing it again....
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 18:49:42 2001 (#6484)

I don't know why this always happens to me, or how I can let it always happen, but I keep on fucking up everything I do. I haven't been to classes since I got back, except for maybe 2 or 3, and I am screwed off my ass in school. I am back at home again and I feel like I am fucking drowning, and I hate this and i hate myself and FUCK!!! why do I do this??? I want my razors, but they are gone, I don't know where they went but I am really picky about using certain knives and things to cut.... I just pouring boiling water all over my arm though, and fuck that just isn't the same.... I am going absolutely fucking insane here.... I don't know what to do.... I have a plan again.... a really good one... I don't think that even I could fuck it up, as I have managed to do twice already.... but I have to wait.... I hate waiting!!! I suppose I could do it soon, but I need all of the stuff, which I don't have access to yet... in a little while.... I don't want to mess it up this time...

Re: losing it again....
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 18:52:51 2001 (#6485)

sorry.... I shouldn't have posted that... I am just kind of upset right now, and I am really paranoid, and I am just freaking out big time.... sorry bout that last post though.... lyssie

Re: losing it again....
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 19:02:27 2001 (#6487)

Lys,

Please don't do anything permanent!!! We need you on this board and we all love you. Please seriously consider the conseqences of your actions - how they will affect other people. Please, PLEASE don't do anything. We'd miss you too much. And we don't want anything bad to happen to you. Please be strong. I'll be praying for you.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: losing it again....
Posted by lys on Thu Apr 19 23:17:52 2001 (#6510)

I am at school right now - skipping class as usual... I am in the library using the computer... I really don't know what to do... I am so confused. I read what doris and elle wrote, and thank you for your words, but I find it so hard to believe, you know? I hate this... not knowing anything, having no idea what to do or what is going on. death really does seem like the only constant and definate thing for me. I don't know how to deal with knowing that. I can't stand where I am now, and I can't stand that I have a pretty good idea that I will be just the same or worse tomorrow. And whenever it seems to have hit rock bottom, I fall farther. It isn't fair!! I am so confused, you know? I just don't know what to do anymore!!! lyssie

Re: losing it again....
Posted by elle on Thu Apr 19 19:20:06 2001 (#6490)

oh honey, please be safe. we all love you. you dont really want to die...and i am sure you dont fuck everything up. please hang in there...i know it doesnt seem like it but things will get better, You can stay strong!!!!!!! Dont do anything rash, please!!!! We need you here you are a wonderful deep person!

Re: losing it again....
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 19 23:38:44 2001 (#6512)

Take care of yourself. Please don't do anything permanent. We love you. julie

anona1
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 19:05:19 2001 (#6488)

I guess that you're back! Please post and tell us what's new with you, what you've been up to, how you're feeling. We all want to know! And we missed you! :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: anona1
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 19 22:49:36 2001 (#6507)

thanks for the personal message...

wish I could say, oh everything is better, my life is now great and fulfilled but I can't...went to a hotel in New Jersey with family for break...it was really boring and there was not many people there my age...it was sort of a cut off date for me...I thought, if people want to actually get to know me in real life that at least out of boredom in the hotel they'd talk to me...I looked okay and made myself available in more public places which is hard for me since I've really lost my trust of people but I was giving it a try...oh well though, it was just downheartening...

I found things to do a few days (I tried not to bleed there b/c once in school I woke up and went to the public bathroom in a bloody nightshirt - scratched stomach- and didn't realize until I got back to my room why the girl in there gave me a weird look)...so, I played 3 hours of tennis one day, got really dehydrated b/c I didn't drink anything during and felt terrible the rest of the day...then my muscles were sore b/c I hadn't played with summer though I love playing, just usually don't have time or place...a few days later I limited myself to an hour which was good...got 2/3 of a paper done...finished it today...2 down, 2 to go...

so basically since I feel like crap now at least I'm busy as hell...though my paintings are more of a struggle now which is frustrating...

okay, not ending the message until I think of something good...sigh, oh well, the finished paper will have to do

don't have time to read back through all the messages so guess I'll have to catch up as I go...take care...thanks for asking, but I wrote a lot of info

Re: anona1
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 05:49:39 2001 (#6550)

I'm sorry you're not better than before. I am glad, however, that you're keeping busy. SIers know better than anyone that idle hands are the Devil's playground. So, I'm thankful for that. I wish I could see some of your paintings - I bet they're amazing. I just have one question, maybe I asked you this before. I don't mean to insult you by asking, but are you in therapy or counselling? I just worry about your trust issues. I worry about you going through the rest of your life like that. Sorry if I'm over-stepping my boundaries. Thanks for the post. Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: anona1
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 08:50:07 2001 (#6569)

I don't mind answering just about any question...no, not in therapy...went once like 6 years ago b/c my mom gave me $200 to go once...went once to my sis' therapist to try to help her...I really hate her therapist...my sis has gotten worse in every aspect of her life and now her psychologist is afraid to not see her b/c my sis is very unstable...we're not too close...I'm 22, she's 15 and I haven't lived at home other than summers since she was almost 6...anyway, I see that therapy doesn't help...

my mom and I have always had our run-ins, but my dad died when I was 15 and she got worse (she's always been a nervous wreck, overbearing and manipulative and always puts me down yet compliments me as well which I end up hating b/c of such mixed messages...just tons of pressure on me)...unfortunately and oddly I've been the most logical and stable (other than when my dad was alive) in my immediate family...my mom got worse when my grandmother, her mom, died when I was 18...when I was home on weekends we'd be having dinner and she'd just threaten to jump out the window of our apt...*rolling my eyes* it was really fun...

as you see, I'm not really concerned about talking about most of my life and maybe it'll give you something to do when you're bored or answer some questions...there are no answers to most questions I have left, or they are undecided...and as for feeling fulfilled, I don't...

as for not trusting...the people I've really felt loved me unconditionally left me or died...I'm sick of it all...the rest I've learned not to trust...it's stupid but I know that my relationships with people have been messed up probably b/c of the kids in day school...I was different (more religious) and the kids picked up on it b/c of their parents talking about it at home I'm sure b/c they thought my parents were too strict religiously...I think I was okay to begin with...just learned all the wrong ways...I have friends but devote very little time to them now and think that if other people see me with them they think, oh, isn't it nice that they're friends with her...so, I have very little self-confidence...if I had a lot of self-confidence I would have always loved to sing professionally, but my voice shakes when I have a solo in public or even recording in a smaller group if I'm solo...so oh well for that...I only sing in front of people I've gotten comfortable with b/c it's the only thing I think I'm sometimes good at...

as for art, they're okay...I have more confidence in it this semester b/c the teacher was impressed by my work, but they're more of a struggle now and not as good and I'm getting frustrated...

hmmm, going back up to see if I've answered all the questions and comments...yep

sorry to hear your not cutting streak came to a halt...sometimes I can not cut or scratch...I didn't for 6, 7 months but started again this past Oct., Nov....at the moment I don't care what I do to myself...but that's just where I'm at...

alright, hope this isn't a record for the longest message...take care

Rachel

Re: anona1
Posted by necrosis on Fri Apr 20 20:44:57 2001 (#6583)

argh!!!!!!! no idea where to start. As you know me well web wise you know my views on most of what you've covered. Sorry it's taken a while to reply, but it has. I'll explain in person - nothing bad at all, just can't be arsed to go into it here as it's not relevant.

Since I've started typing I have forgotten EVERYTHING you've written.fuck.who are you?who am I???!!

Well I'm dying (bad phrasing) to see one of these paintings.Also chuffed to see you made an effort while away to look your best.I know 1st hand how hard that can be when you feel so shit. You do have very negative self affirming thought patterns. That I reckon is best dealt with by an expert in the field. You had 1 bad experience - I had foodpoisoning but I didn't stop eating altogether. This could also have a fatal outcome as you know how bad it can get for you.

Anyway, good to see you back - sorry if I've seemed distant. Antidepressant dose upped & sleeping more. Talking to a greater no. as well. I'm a guy though - can't do more than no things at once, so replying sporadically to people. Been meaning to order a book for ..........you've fallen asleep haven't you. sorry, I ramble well.

take care. love you anona1

xx

Re: anona1
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 21:12:00 2001 (#6589)

nah, didn't fall asleep...I think I rambled on much longer...anyway, explaining in person would be cool (argh on that word) but unfortunately those were just wrong words...well, the paintings will have to wait until the summer or until I get a scanner...have to have them photographed to put on slides for grad school but they won't be done until end of May

yeah, I wore makeup every day and sometimes jewelry *rolling my eyes* (mom gets so mad when I do that when she's talking)...not that I hate them, but it's a pathetic thing to do in attempt to make people talk to me...

it's not one bad experience...it's many...some that have lasted more than 10 years and others that happen now and then

I am a cutter
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 20:01:08 2001 (#6495)

You use knives to cut bread. I use them to cut my skin.

You use razors to shave. I use them to slice open my wrist.

You carve your name into a tree. I carve words into my skin.

You draw baths. I draw blood.

You cringe at the sight of blood. I smile at the sight of mine.

You get faint when you donate blood. I get faint when I’m losing blood.

You take showers and are refreshed. I take showers with a stinging pain.

You wear long-sleeves because it’s cold. I wear long-sleeves to hide my scars.

Will I ever be you? Will you ever be me?

You are who you are. I am a cutter.

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Thu Apr 19 22:18:43 2001 (#6504)

Wow. That hit the spot...or the nail on the head. Thats exactly how I feel Doris! Can I have your permission to put this up on my web site? It's a private site but you can see it by joinng. Just mention in the app. that you are from this message board and I will approve it so you can get in. It's at http://communities.msn.com/Ble edingHearts Stay safe ®Bleeding Poet (veronica)

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 01:21:51 2001 (#6523)

Wow... I'm so flattered. Of course you can put it on your website. And I'll check it out as soon as I can. I'm really honored, thank you.

Doris

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 19 22:52:04 2001 (#6508)

love that poem, thanks

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 19 23:46:45 2001 (#6514)

Doris, I loved that. You have a gift. Take Care. I am sorry you cut again but i think you had such strength to go for so long that the power is yours. Love julie

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 01:40:59 2001 (#6525)

Doris, you should look in to publishing your stuff.... IT IS SO AMAZING.... i wish i had written that, i would love to submit it to the school literary magazine, it would really hit a lot of people....maybe i will come up with a good poem

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 02:59:00 2001 (#6531)

Doris, I agree with Elle, you should absolutely look into publishing your poems. The ones I have read so far on this site are amazing.

Thank you for posting this, it is 100% the truth.

lots of love

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 05:45:07 2001 (#6548)

*blush* thanks guys, you're the best. love you.

Doris

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 05:43:32 2001 (#6547)

Heh, thanks. I'm going to major in Professional Writing when I return to school. I still don't know if I "have it" though... you know, like a gift or whatever. I don't know. Thanks for the post.

Loves

Doris

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by razor on Sat Apr 21 17:58:23 2001 (#6636)

You hide your scars.........for what?? Are you ashamed??? I wear my scars like a badge. You like poems, then hear this.......... ....I'm havin homocidal visions passin me thoughts of blastin me what's happened to me, my life is nothing like it used to be, I grew to be a suicidal, It's getting vital, put a cut on my wrist and go drink a fifth of nyquil, till I feel the presence of death pass through my chest, enter my veins in through my lungs and take my last breath, but even at It's best, I still exist, livin a life in this world full of bullshit and lies, people disguised behind their eye's, but always get remembered when it comes to their demise, so I dispise that the life I was given don't mean shit, that's why I stay pesemistic, optimistic thoughts occasionally cross, chew 'em up and spit 'em out with the razorblade in my mouth, I'm going all out, just to end my life, but when I do it, I'ma do it with a fuckin knife, without a fight yea a gun would be quicker, fuck clickin a trig., cuz I want to feel my body shiver ....

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 21 22:12:25 2001 (#6643)

I wasn't ashamed back then, I am now.

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by razor on Tue Apr 24 18:16:36 2001 (#6763)

If you weren't ashamed then, why are you now?? Let me ask you something, you may not know me, but from what you can read from me on this site, do you think I'm crazy?? I'm not, neither is anyone that is using this postboard to seek help. The only person that can help you is yourself, you have to analyze yourself first to come up with a solution. That is why I'm not ashamed of my scars, they are a part of me, a part of who I am. There is nothing I can do about it now. I'm proud of who I am, even if I have to cut myself to prove it to myself.........

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 24 19:54:26 2001 (#6764)

No, I don't think you're crazy.

You make a good point. I'm proud of who I am and what I've been through. But, sometimes I just want to forget that part of me. I was to forget about the "old me" and move on with my life. I don't like dwelling on the past. And it's so hard to forget about something when you have a constant reminder. I don't know. I can't really explain why I'm ashamed, but I am. Sorry I can't explain myself. Be well.

Doris

Re: I am a cutter
Posted by razor on Wed Apr 25 17:51:43 2001 (#6806)

Your right, your scars are a constant reminder. But that's not nesesarily a bad thing.Use them to your advantage, for instance, Look at the deepest cut you ever made..... Think about how deeply you were feeling at the time of the inscision....Is there a similarity??? The last cut I made, I was not liking who I am, I hated myself, I wanted to cut myself and watch every drop of blood leak out of my arm. Well it did, it was all leaking out at first, then for some reason it clootted up and wouldn't bleed anymore. Why it stopped bleeding, I don't know, but now I have a scar....Let me rephrase that... a trench on my arm, and I use that as a focal point. I cared sooo deeply about other people more than myself, to be able to do that to myself. I decided no more. I am important and so are my scars, they help me make the right decision now days. So don't be ashamed, Being ashamed about your past, may possibly affect your future...........

I Am Also A Cutter
Posted by Cutter on Thu Apr 26 05:36:09 2001 (#6826)

I have been cutting myself for 3 years now. There is not a place on my body that I haven't sliced up. My cuts and scars ARE me. They are my emotions and my feelings, without them I would be dead.

Cutter

Re: I Am Also A Cutter
Posted by ciara lutton on Tue May 1 02:26:19 2001 (#6975)

dear cutter

i am also a cutter for 1 year now.i really understand your story. i do find it sad though since its been 3 years for you.i dont even know why i wanted to respond i just always feel a closeness to any one that feels the same way i do. ya know wellg2g bye

ciara

Any more pics available?
Posted by Cutter on Thu Apr 26 05:37:34 2001 (#6827)

Just wanted to know if you have anymore cutting pictures? I have everyone of them printed out and put safely in my journal. I'm going to get some of my pics on the computer, do you mind if I send them to you to be posted?

Cutter

**
Posted by ** on Thu Apr 19 20:42:35 2001 (#6496)

Does anyone get depressed when they listen to music?I was listening to slipknot(their lyrics bescribe my feelings like no other)and suddenly I cried and I had the urge to cut. I hadn't cut in a couple weeks (their goes my record!). Usually when I have the urge to cut I just scrath myself, its not the same but I keeps me from cutting. this time it didn't help so i've cut. It felt soooooo good to see my blood.

I've wrote a letter to my teacher and asked him to help me. he gave me a number of a place where they can help me but I really don't dare to call. .

Re: **
Posted by Doris on Thu Apr 19 21:01:31 2001 (#6497)

It's okay that you cut. I just blew my record a few days ago too. Just next time do three weeks, then four. It'll be okay.

As for the number, I really really think you should call. If you can go two weeks that means you are really strong. And asking your teacher for help is a HUGE step. I admire your strength - not many people can ask for help. I think you should call the number - what have you got to lose? Give it a try, why not. I hope you find the strength within you to call. I'll be praying for you. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: **
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 19 23:44:06 2001 (#6513)

Music has the ability to change my mood rapidly. The problem is I choose music to suit my mood, which often makes it worse. Take care of yourself. love julie

Re: **
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 03:04:30 2001 (#6532)

I admire your courage to tell. I don't think I'd ever be that brave. I think you should call, too. I called a suicide number last year from a pay phone! It was a wrong number though. I have a question about 800 numbers for anyone. Do they show up on the phone bill? That's why I called from a pay phone! lol. Never knew if they did or didn't!

lots of love

Re: **
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:19:57 2001 (#6541)

i dont think they do, i could be wrong....

Re: **
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:17:55 2001 (#6540)

i hope you can work up the courage to call eventually. be careful though if u are under 18. it is important to get at the issues behind cutting and maybe that place could help

The sea of red...
Posted by The Mad Hatter on Thu Apr 19 21:51:00 2001 (#6500)

If there were a reason for me to slit my wrists and slash my arms and bleed about the world I have not found a way to stop it... it is as a beast that rages over time through nothingness and on into something...Codine in large doses cannot cease my pain... I have tried everything... there is for me no answer...

Far from the edge of dreams Astride the metal ceiling Cast as stone from cruel sunset Anger glowing deep within There can be no solace No residual remorse But turn carefully When staring into a disheveled past Wings glint pale white Complex beneath the stars Is there a point to embers Or should fire simply sleep The heart slows The end flows near Mistakes are reminisced As success is long forgotten Eyes held foreward At heavens edge The angel crashes Down.

I apologize for taking your time with my pathetic presence if anyone decides to read this... or even perchance mail me for an off reason I've yet to comprehend... I am alone... still...

Forever in the shadow - Moridhin

Re: The sea of red...
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 19 23:50:50 2001 (#6515)

I loved that, your presence is not pathetic. that made me think a lot. Take Care of yourself. Love julie

Re: The sea of red...
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:32:33 2001 (#6543)

your thoughts are much appreciated here, thank you so much for sharing.

your stuff is so deep, but it is beautiful, it speaks to my soul! if u ever want to talk my AIM is "Cutter Elle"

Re: The sea of red...
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 05:52:06 2001 (#6554)

Wow, simply beautiful. I admire your writing abilities as I'm struggling to find my own. Keep on posting!

Love and strength,

Doris

Who can delete useless threads?
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Thu Apr 19 22:13:02 2001 (#6502)

Just a thought. I know I'm new here but I was just wondering. Since this is a message board, the creator of it should be able to delete threads that have nothing to do ith "SI"ing, right? I mean, I just got here and just started posting today and noticed while going over the old threads that some of them are just plain useless. Like the ones where someone is pretending to be someone else just to upset the board. Or the ones where someone will just ramble on about people they dont even know slinging isults left and right. Is there a way to delete stuff like that so we can concentrate on getting help for our cutting? Just quuuuurious. ®Bleeding Poet

Hey it's been to long......
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Thu Apr 19 22:36:52 2001 (#6506)

Hi everyone im back at home now. ill be postin more often like i used to coz i can use my computer when i want as its in my bedroom now. i would like to say hi to anyone that has come while i have been away "welcome and good luck" can some one please let me know what is going on with colin....has he left? i know he was goiing soon but i wasnt sure if he had gone for good yet. as for me i havent cut for three weeks!!!!!! doin good how is every one else goiin???? please let me know. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Hey it's been to long......
Posted by Strider on Thu Apr 19 23:38:02 2001 (#6511)

Hey! I'm right here, Amanda. I don't post anymore (sort of felt like it was time for me go, like it wasn't my place here anymore I guess), but I'm doing good. Haven't cut for over a month now! I hope and pray so much that I'm done for good now! I'm staring work (praying like crazy for this one!) at the end of the month, and when that happens I wont be able to contact anyone for a while (no computer until I buy one), but I am doing good! I still want cut like MAD!!! It's like in waves. It was like, wanting to cut for a day, then no urge for a day, theen wanting for 2 days, then nothing for 2 days. It's really weird. It's a fight, but I'll keep trying to not cut! Glad to hear from you again!

love and prayers, Colin

congrats!!
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 02:07:27 2001 (#6526)

dudes (both of you guys, amanda and colin), you are doing awesome!!! I am proud of you!!! keep strong, I know you can do it, and I know that you can keep all of this good work up!!! sorry, I just like to hear encouragement when I am doing well, so I gave you some. I have not been cut-free for a few days, and I am not very proud of myself, but you guys are doing so well!!! yeah!!! lyssie

Re: congrats!!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 05:55:50 2001 (#6555)

I'm going to second lys and congratulate you both. I am so incredibly proud of you guys. You are so strong and I admire that so much. Keep it up! Lots of love

Doris

Re: Hey it's been to long......
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:35:44 2001 (#6544)

hey, i am elle...welcome back, nice to meet ya...blah blah. congrats on your 3 weeks!

well, since there are so many poems going up
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 19 23:02:16 2001 (#6509)

Suck My Life

Dig a knife in deep

and drag it down my arm.

Is there more to see

than this, flesh?

You'll see the blood streaming,

gleaming in the reflection

of knife, life.

Is blood life? Take mine.

Is flesh me? Make a coat of it.

Rip me to shreds! Will you?

Descend like vultures

to the soft tissue of my eyes.

Enjoy sucking my brain.

Is that how I please you?

Soul. Do you even know where mine is?

How could you?

My eyes are old.

A decomposing being

who now cringes because

most people are false.

Untie the web the spiders

weave over this aging girl's face.

Remove the bugs and vultures

delicately.

Then kiss my soul.

(1/21/01; my favorite to date, I think)

Re: well, since there are so many poems going up
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 19 23:54:55 2001 (#6516)

Wow. i am impressed. Take Care

Re: well, since there are so many poems going up
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:38:16 2001 (#6545)

i'm speechless...i love it. i wish i was a poet.

Re: well, since there are so many poems going up
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 05:58:09 2001 (#6557)

Wow. That was really moving. I keep on reading it over. Nice work! Thanks for sharing.

Loves

Doris

Re: well, since there are so many poems going up
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 09:03:58 2001 (#6570)

thanks for reading it and for the comments...I believe people can learn to do anything if they're persistant...it's weird...I sing from the heart, write by stream of consciousness and don't have any preconceived notion of what I'm doing when I do art...so I don't sing in front of many people, I share some of my writing with some people and I don't care who sees the art I've done...I used to not let anyone read what I wrote but later realized no one can tell an exact moment I might be writing about

guess I philosophize too much, pray tell me I don't analyze...I hope not...anyway, take care all and thanks

Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 19 23:57:56 2001 (#6517)

I need to tell someone this because only my mom knows and she never mentions it and a few other people that think it is funny. That makes me feel really gross.

Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 00:09:05 2001 (#6518)

I need to tell someone this because only my mom knows and she never mentions it and a few other people think that it is funny. That makes me feel really gross.

Anyways i always tell people that i have never been sexually abused because i think this was partly my fault, i mean i probably could have stopped it right?

All right this is really weird and makes me feel so dirty and ashamed and i am shaking while i write it but i need to. When i was six i guess i was sexually abused several times by another girl. i know very weird and sickening but anyways i remember it all the time and something super disturbing is that it happened once in the bedroom that i still sleep in every night. this makes me feel like i was one sick cookie. i mean she was in a position of power and i was only a kid but still. yuck. yuck. yuck.

The thing that really sucks is that i still see her all the time and while everyone knows she is going through a hard time in her life no one knows about me. I am supposed to offer her my condolences. I can't do it though it makes me angry.

This has also screwed up my relationships with guys. There have been guys that i really liked and that i got to weirded out when they got too close. I am terrified of anything sexual which sucks since i want i stable boyfriend but can't get past the trust part.

Anyhow i hope no one thinks i am a freak but if you do i can just leave. If you think i am weird please don't reply to this post.

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 20 00:16:41 2001 (#6519)

Anyone that is older and encourages a younger person to take part in activity that is wrong should be held responsible. Jue, there are so many things going on in a situation like that. You must not think of yourself as dirty. You don't need to answer me, but answer yourself....in what way were you encouraging this behaviour? Did you bring it up or were you the innocent that from curiosity and a desire to please followed an older peer, one you should have been able to trust. You need to get forgiveness and peace about this and then you need to forgive the one that did this to you. Only then will you be able to forget about it. Hey, I would love to correspond with you if I can be of any help.

pls read jue
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 02:32:28 2001 (#6528)

I was sexually abused by my uncle for a period of three years. I never told ANYONE until recently, when I told a nurse in the hospital because I was getting horrible flashbacks. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have to see her, as I have never seen my abuser and I am pretty sure he is now dead. But this post is not about that. I just want to tell you that whatever happpened to you, what SHE did to you, that is not your fault. At all. And it is not something you need to be ashamed of. She hurt you, and you were the victim. I can't say that enough. I know how hard it is to tell someone about abuse like that, and I admire your courage to post it here and that your mother knows. That tells me that you have a remarkable amount of strength. I am not trying to tell you to tell anyone, but when I told my nurse (who told my doctor with my permission), they were able to help me because they understood. If you are seeing a therapist or counsellor or psychiatrist or anything, I would consider telling them. Don't think I am trying to force you, but it just made it easier for me. This is not your shameful past, this is your past that hurt like hell. I know you probably don't believe, because why should you (I don't believe it when people tell me), but I can say with absolute honestly that you are not a bad person or a gross person or anything like that. I am sorry if I sound like I am preaching, but saying something like that almost always turns out kind of weird. take care of yourself (you deserve), and I pray for you. lyssie

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 03:20:24 2001 (#6533)

I don't think you're weird at all. AND I DON'T THINK IT'S YOUR FAULT AT ALL! Seriously. Don't ever think that. You said you were 6? I'm sorry that that happened to you. I mean, it's not like it's not horrible at any age, but I'm sorry it had to happen to you when you were so little.

If I were you I'd hate the girl and never want to see her ever again in my whole life. Maybe you could tell your mom that you'd rather not have to see her? I don't know, maybe you could work something out.

Lots of love

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by jue on Fri Apr 20 03:54:44 2001 (#6536)

Thanks so much for the encouragement i am having second thoughts about posting that. Linda i would like to correspond and to anyone else.My e-mail address is above. Thanks again. Take Care. I will try to tell my therapist but i might not be able to yet.

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:13:03 2001 (#6539)

oh sweetie i am so sorry...i hope you can learn to deal with those issues, if there is anything i can do for you just holler.

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 06:06:13 2001 (#6558)

Julie, honey, I am so incredibly sorry. No one deserves that. Let me just say first off that I am SO incredibly proud of you for posting that. That took SO much strength and courage and I admire you to no end. If anything like that ever happened to me, I know I'd never have the kind of courage you have to tell someone about it. I am so proud of you.

It's not your fault, hun. Not at all. Don't think that for ONE SECOND, okay? :)

About your therapist (I am SO happy you're back in therapy!!!) I can't seem to discuss my sex life with her - so I understand that there are some things that are hard or uncomfortable to talk about (not that I'm comparing any experience I've had with yours). I would advise you to tell him/her, though. I'm SURE they have coping methods and all sorts of things that can help you. I say why not. But that's just me.

You are SO strong! I admire you so much!!

Lots of love,

Doris

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 09:07:42 2001 (#6571)

just replying b/c I don't think you're weird

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 18:30:26 2001 (#6579)

Thanks So Much.

Re: Kind Of Gross-My shameful past
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Fri Apr 20 21:09:44 2001 (#6588)

hey, dont eva think that, that was your fault. you were 6 years old and you proberbly didnt understand what she was doing. i am speaking from my own experience, but i dont think anyone here would ever think you were a freak. we are all here to help and not to put people down, if we did that then there would be no point in it. it must have taken a lot of courage to tell us that, well done that was sssooooooooo amazing that you couuld do that.

write me if you want to chat. Love and Hope Amanda

Love...
Posted by The Mad Hatter on Fri Apr 20 01:21:55 2001 (#6524)

Perhaps there is a place for me and perhaps not...

Inoculation against such inherent illness and emancipation of life from the glass heart that holds it encased in such sweet embrace as when wings fold slowly around lightly protecting what is hallowed and held so high in the fading dark shedding single tears with flesh ablaze and fire ravages as perversity chimes true and midnight hours dim in dull minds and become distraught and gone lost under what is so precious to the game and capture chaos in itself to endow the complacent insanity that so ironically blends sadistically with veracity and prevarication where there truly is no need for anything more than passion and true desire resulting in such phenomenon as ...love...

By the way... if anyone so wishes please reply...

I am alone... so cold...

Forever in hell... - the most glorious of places... - Sieg Heil - Moridhin

Re: Love...
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 20 03:45:35 2001 (#6535)

Whewwwwww Wish I understood what I just read. That was very deep. You are extremely intelligent. Wish you would say the same thing in simple terms. I would love to think about it.

Re: Love...
Posted by blue rose on Fri Apr 20 06:48:26 2001 (#6568)

Hi Linda,

I haven't heard from you in awhile. How have you been?

Re: Love...
Posted by Linda on Sat Apr 21 03:47:07 2001 (#6624)

(((((((((Rose)))))))))) I haven't heard from you for a while either. I have been very busy. I am working with our teen group at church now and that takes a bit of time. I also went on a trip to Kansas City to chaperone our school group to competition. Those things have occupied my time. I still check back occasionally but just don't have the luxury of keeping up with the whole board anymore. It was sweet of you to speak!!!

Re: Love...
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:42:25 2001 (#6546)

keep postin, you will find you are not so alone...

Re: Love...
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 09:13:04 2001 (#6572)

just kept looking at it and said yeah...so lonely...getting worried that there's no reason for me to live...I have no purpose, nothing fulling...don't know how long I'll last...at the moment I'm okay enough

omg omg omg
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 03:27:27 2001 (#6534)

I want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut i want to cut!

My mom's yelling at me and I don't even know what I did and she's yelling and I hate it and I want to cut I want to I want to I want to but I can't I can't I can't it's making my crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: omg omg omg
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 03:58:48 2001 (#6537)

me too. i just had a big family crisis and everyone is upset and even though i wasn't responsible i feel guilty and all i want to do is cut,cut,cut.

Re: omg omg omg
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 06:10:44 2001 (#6561)

Everything okay with the family? Don't mean to pry, I'm just concerned.

Re: omg omg omg
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:45:50 2001 (#6549)

try this...take a piece of paper and a pen and just scribble...really hard, no words...i dont know, worked for me once...STAY STRONG HON!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! HANG IN THERE

Re: omg omg omg
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 06:09:29 2001 (#6560)

*me*,

You only have a few more days, right? YOU CAN DO IT!!! Stay strong - you are so incredibly strong. You can beat this. Be well and keep on posting!

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: omg omg omg
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 18:35:46 2001 (#6580)

My family is all right i guess i am just really worried about my uncle. b/c him and my dad had a fight i guess and he worked for my dad for 11 years and quit yesterday. and was crying and all that and the last thing he said before he left was "i hope julie gets better." yeah i feel really guilty.

Re: omg omg omg
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 23:42:30 2001 (#6606)

Sorry to hear that, Julie. I'll be praying that everything gets worked out. And don't feel guilty! Don't put so much responsibility on yourself - it's not your fault.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: omg omg omg
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 21:33:45 2001 (#6594)

I have until Monday. After Monday I can cut when I need to! That fills me with such a sense of relief. Isn't that weird? You are the only people I could tell that to, anyone else would think I was such a freak.

Thank you all for your encouragement. I'm going to try that paper thing, Elle.

lots of love

Communication
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 04:53:18 2001 (#6538)

How come I can never talk to someone when i know i am going to cut? it just mever seems like an option. i get in this state and all i can think about is cut, cut, cut. So then i don't want to talk to anyone. Very viscious circle i guess. I broke so many promises of talking to people before i cut. I just go right ahead and cut.

Re: Communication
Posted by Alana on Fri Apr 20 05:26:32 2001 (#6542)

I'm the same...people always tell me to call them and talk to them when I want to cut. They just don't understand that once its in my head, I won't do anything to ruin my plan. I will do everything I can to make that first cut. Talking is out of the question.

stay strong, Alana

Re: Communication
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:51:51 2001 (#6553)

welcome back alana

Re: Communication
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:50:33 2001 (#6551)

i am the same...i cant bring myself to stop by telling someone....i guess i just dont believe that anyone who doesnt cut has the power to understand the feeling you get before you know you are gonna cut. i cant even put it into words

Re: Communication
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 06:12:36 2001 (#6564)

I agree completely - how could they understand?

Re: Communication
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 06:11:35 2001 (#6563)

my problem is that even if I do tell someone that I want to cut, they ignore it. It is as though it isn't a problem until the skin is broken or something. I drives me insane because I try to tell them and they won't listen. Now I just don't. I just cut. take care lyssie

Re: Communication
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 09:14:59 2001 (#6573)

sometimes talking doesn't make the thoughts go away anyway...I cut while talking to people sometimes

Re: Communication
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 18:39:39 2001 (#6581)

I have cut while talking to people too. lys, that is awful that people don't listen. but i agree that people who don't cut won't ever understand. Thanks for the helpful replys

LIVING A LIE!!!!!!
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 05:56:52 2001 (#6556)

i have been such a liar. i thought i could share the truth with all of you...but i havent been honest...i cut today, i cut yesterday, i cut the day before....each time i thought, this is the last time, the only time, and it never is...and everyone who knows i cut thinks i have moved past it and i dont do it anymore and if my parents found out they would put me in the hospital. just needed to get it out there. i am a weak person, i have decieved you and my friends and my family, and my therapist, and MYSELF.... also, i hit myself for about three hours last night in the eye with the palm of my hand until it was really bruised. in the morining it was black and blue and i told everyone my friend hit me by accident in gym... oh well, i am weak.

Re: LIVING A LIE!!!!!!
Posted by Alana on Fri Apr 20 06:11:18 2001 (#6562)

Dont say that elle! You are not weak. You haven't been living a lie...cuz you told us didn't you? It takes time. I understand that. Email me anytime!

Re: LIVING A LIE!!!!!!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 06:16:58 2001 (#6565)

Oh, elle, we're in the exact same place. I cut again today too. I was about to post it, but then I read this and it's the exact same thing I was going to post. My parents don't know - no one knows. My boyfriend knows I did a couple days ago but I don't think I'll tell him about this one. They all think I'm better. I know my mom is going to com eup to me soon and say "How long??" She asks me that all the time to see how long it's been. This time I'm going to have to lie. If I told her I did it again she would go crazy - simply crazy.

I feel weak too, elle. I feel like a f*cking hypocrite. Here I am telling everyone to stay strong and I'm here cutting. Everyone tells me how strong I am - what if they're wrong?? I think they are.

I'm right there with you, hun. It's not a nice place to be in. Just know you're not alone.

Tons of love

Doris

Re: LIVING A LIE!!!!!!
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 21:39:23 2001 (#6596)

Doris, I think you're strong, and I don't think you're a hypocrite at all. Please don't say that. I admire you so much.

And Elle, you're not living a lie, you're living with a secret, and I am too, and so are a lot of people on this board. I don't think it's wrong to hide the secret, because, at least for me, if I told it would just be worse. Stay strong, because I know you are.

lots of love

Re: LIVING A LIE!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 22:46:22 2001 (#6600)

I have done that far far too many times. Why WHy WHY? do i try to fool other people. I posted back that i was going to stop lying about my scars, well here's to feeling like a hypocrite i still lie and i still hide them. People don't understand us. Here is another way i lied i am really really ashamed of this one: i said i would do that speech now everyone said what a great idea and how strong i was well i also chickened out. So i am also in the same boat. But now i am sort of thinking that i am not ready to stop cutting, i told my mom that this morning, so i am feeling a bit trapped today. Oh another day hum...hum...hum... Just want to say i love you all and take care of yourselves no matter what happens. Love julie

Re: LIVING A LIE!!!!!!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 23:45:11 2001 (#6607)

Thank you

sorry.... I think it is time to go...
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 06:06:57 2001 (#6559)

I am sorry I have been cluttering up the board so much recently with all of my whining, I just needed somewhere to vent. I don't know where I am going from here. I don't think I am going to make it, and I don't really want to try. I think I am ready to give up. I have no idea why I am even writting this. Today I got to thinking, and I realised that I really don't have anything to live for. I am a horrible person. I hurt everyone around me. I am controlling and domineering, and I am destroying the only people I love. I am sorry if I hurt anyone here. I didn't mean to. I hate myself for everything that has happened. I tried so hard to stop myself, but I always just hurt people. I have few friends and the ones I do have stay out of fear or pity. I have no future. Instead I have years more of illness that is unlikely to get better. I am only going to fall farther back. I know, people may read this and say that part of me must not want to die if I am writing this letter, and I guess you are right. But that part dies with me, and it will go when I do. It doesn't matter anymore. Even as I write this I ask myself why. Why should I bother? And I guess the only reason I can think of is that I don't want to be forgotten by tomorrow, or the next day, or even next week. I want to be remembered even if just a little bit by at least someone. I am sorry that I decided that this is where I would write tonight. I plan on doing it by midnight, and I will be gone in 20 minutes or so. That will be it. I won't have to worry anymore. I just can't deal with this feeling of emptiness, of not knowing, and of confusion. I won't let it continue. I can't let it. I am going to go now, I have to get some stuff ready. Please, everyone take care of themselves. Keep on working, keep on trying, and keep on fighting your demons. One of my therapists said to me once that whether you fight them or learn to dance with them, it doesn't matter, as long as the music is good. If you need to dance then do that instead. Whatever. But do it. For me and for everyone else who has given up on their way. take care lyssie ps- jue: please remember what I said in reply to your post about your past. You have no reason to be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. remember that.

NOOOO!!!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 06:20:57 2001 (#6566)

lys,

DON'T DO THIS!!!! I wish I could reach you on AIM or something. Please don't do anything!!! I'm just praying that you're still alive - it's past midnight. PLEASE PLEASE think about this. You don't want to do this.

I was EXACTLY where you are now - I could have written this post four months ago. But, I'm better now and I LOVE my life!!! That can be you, lys!!!

I started crying when I read your post. It reads like a suicide note!!! PLEASE be alive!!! PLEASE KEEP POSTING!!! I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!

Doris

PLEASE NO!!!!!
Posted by Strider on Fri Apr 20 06:41:43 2001 (#6567)

Dear God, Lys no!!! PLEASE do not do this! Do not kill yourself! You don't hurt people here! You HELP!! Oh lys, PLEASE be alive to read this! PLEASE!!!!! Dying is not the answer! Please don't throw your life away before you have a chance to live it!!!! You are not a horrible person! I wish that you could see that!!! Don't throw your life away before you can live it, please..... please...

Re: PLEASE NO!!!!!
Posted by Maggie on Fri Apr 20 13:53:49 2001 (#6576)

Your presence on this board alone has brought so much goodness into our lives. We need each other, and we need you! You can make it through this - we are all here for you. I beg you not to do anything to yourself. I keep saying this but: As long as there is life there is hope.

Re: sorry.... I think it is time to go...
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 09:25:40 2001 (#6574)

I hope you chose otherwise and will be here tomorrow...no one's been able to give me a satisfying answer to "why stay?"

I would rather everyone forget me, then I wouldn't feel guilty and hurtful by leaving...

i am here....
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 18:14:51 2001 (#6578)

I am okay now I guess.... I kind of severed the veins in my arm and leg, so I need to go see my doctor today.... I didn't bleed that much though, and they shut okay. I just got really scared. I didn't want to die alone. I don't know what to do!!! I hate being so alone right now, when through the computer are the only people I talk to.... I am really confused. I don't know. I wish I hadn't stopped the bleeding last night.... I don't even know how I managed it, but I feel really stupid now. I will be on later again to check in.... I am sorry for all this guys... I know I do it a lot.... take care, lyssie

Thank you.....
Posted by Strider on Fri Apr 20 20:14:02 2001 (#6582)

I thank God you're alive, Lys. I know the feeling of lonelyness. The only people I ever talk to are the ones on the computer as well. I have no friends who care about me in person. I am SOOO glad you're alive, Lys. Don't feel stupid, please don't. Nobody thinks that you are. I am so glad you're alive! Please don't die, please don't.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: i am here....
Posted by anona1 on Fri Apr 20 20:57:55 2001 (#6585)

glad you rethought your fate even if you're not happy with the decision...yeah, I hate the feeling of loneliness and want to die sometimes...at the moment I'm okay, but borderline of slipping into suicidal thoughts again...hope you always find a reason not to...take care

Re: i am here....
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 20 21:50:09 2001 (#6597)

Lys! I'm so glad you're here! I have only known you for a very short time, but I already know that you have helped me so much. Everyone on this board has. And if any single one of you left, I would miss you beyond belief. Lys, we all love you and are glad you stopped the bleeding. I know the way you feel, I seriously contemplated killing myself last year and throughout this past summer. I thought no one cared and that everyone would be better off if I had never even been born. But things have improved since the summer, and I am so glad that I decided not to do it. My life is not wonderful, but I know that I have friends that care. When you think that things are horrible and will never get better, please try to think of what you might feel like 20 years from now, or even 20 months from now. Please know that we care, Lys. Please know that things can get better. I don't know if this has helped at all, but I wanted to let you know that we love you and would miss you terribly.

Lots and lots of love.

thanks guys...
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 20 22:24:11 2001 (#6599)

you guys are great, you really are. I went to see my social worker, and I told him that I almost killed myself last night, though I didn't say how close I came. He basically said that is was okay, as long as I wasn't dead and the fact that "slitting your wrists has only a 50/50 chance of actually killing you". What a fucking idiot. Plus the fat that I decided to go for the femoral artery, which once severed can completely bleed out in 15 minutes. And then he even said that it is okay if I cut. I mean, is he a complete moron??? He yells at me if I binge and purge, but he competely allows (even supports) me when I cut. I don't get him. So now I feel pretty shitty again, but I won't do anything today because he would probably be happy and I won't let that happen!! Bad news though, I didn't get into the group home/inpatient program I wanted to. So now they are looking into another one where I go home on the weekends. That is better than nothing, but they have to wait for Dr. Booth (who runs it and has done 2 assessments of me in the past) to recommend it for me, so I can get in. Dude, I hate this shit. anyways, take care all!!! lyssie

THANK FUL and shaking.
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 20 23:08:10 2001 (#6601)

Lyssie, I am soo sorry. I love you and you give me strength. You are a very dear heart. Please Please be thankful you are alive. I can't explain how scared i was when i read your post. I was shaking and trembling, And when i got to the part addressed to me i felt so awful and my heart and soul cried for you. I hope you see hope because I love you. As for that social worker WHAT A STICK!!!! that is soo awful for you. I had numerous bad experiences with therapists that actually had more problems than me(i think ). Anyways i want to say take care of yourself because i am convinced that death reflects what we live in life and so if we die when we want to in death we will have our pain. I don't know if that makes sense but i hope so.But i think that anything that happens to us in life that we have no control over (abuse) will be erased in death if we have overcome it in life. Sorry for the philosophy ignore it if you want. Just remember that you are loved. Love Julie.

p.s. e-mail me anytime.

Re: thanks guys...
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 23:51:01 2001 (#6609)

lys,

Thank God you're alive. When I read your post last night I started hyperventalating and shaking and crying. I was about to have another panic attack when a good friend advised me to simply pray. And I did. And I am SO incredibly happy that you're alive. I would miss you dearly if anything ever happened to you. Your social worker's an idiot, by the way, but the world is full of idiots - what are you gonna do? :-P I'm sorry you didn't get into that program. I'll be praying that they find one for you soon. Take care of yourself and be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

julie and doris (and everyone really)
Posted by lys on Sat Apr 21 00:04:02 2001 (#6614)

I am sorry if you felt bad about what I wrote directly to you last night julie, its just that I know what it is like to feel horrible about past abuse, and since that was all I could think about really last night, I wanted to make sure you weren't going through the pain of what I was. It was horrible. I am glad you didn't have a panic attack doris- I have had my share of them and they are not pleasant. I am sorry I caused you both so much stress!!! I do feel a lot better today than I did yesterday (possibly due to the fact that I am eating a bowl of peanut butter cookie dough that I "accidently forgot" to put in the oven). I love peanut butter cookies and cats!!! so, today I made a list of my 'happy thoughts' and I taped them on my wall, and they are things like my cats and cookies and sunshine and rain (I love the rain). But no guilt things. That way, if I get into a mood like I was in last night, I can read it and remember that there are some things that make me feel better even if they aren't big. This list is no guilt because that way I won't cut too. Then I made my list of peoples names and big happy things too, like my sisters (and you guys) so that if the first list doesn't help then I can read the second one, and cutting is better than killing. so yeah. Take care of you, I am burning my cookies and really have to go!!!

Re: julie and doris (and everyone really)
Posted by Jue on Sat Apr 21 01:21:34 2001 (#6616)

I am so glad you are feeling better. Don't worry about any stress you caused us I think when you care about someone you are thankful for that kind of stress. Anyway Take Care Love Julie

Re: julie and doris (and everyone really)
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 21 08:14:13 2001 (#6626)

I am SO unbelievably happy that you're feeling better!! That "happy thoughts" list was a great idea!!! I have "reasons to live" pages in my journal with pictures of my family and closest friends. It sounds like you're doing really well! I'm so very proud of you. You are so strong - keep it up! And don't worry about the panic attack... I was just worried about my friend. :) I'm so glad you're okay. God bless.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: thanks guys...
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Apr 27 04:45:21 2001 (#6861)

....Ok lyysi first of all I'm so glad that I got a chance to read thid all. and I'm really glad that you're still alive, I was going to kill myself once, I wrote a note with goodbys, what I regret, the whole deal. Any-who, at about 11 pm I droped the note at my girlfriends house and prepered to die, later that night I got a call from her(my g/f) and she told me why life was worth living and that she loved me. she and her friend also called my house told my parents and got mental health people to come to my house. a few weeks later she dumped me. Of corse at that point I wanted death more than anything in the world, I cut the shit out of myself, got wasted and a bit further down the road, I took a hammer and broke my ribs, pretty brutaly to (there still messed up) but for some reason I didn't and I'm really glad I didn't because even after all that, I still see her in the hals and talk to her now and then. And I'm really glad I have that opertunity because it's made me realize how much I apreshiate being alive and all the things I would never get to say or do again. Any-ways I'm so glad I didn't kill myself and I hope you're stong enough to see past all the shit that gets in the way and eventually be able to look back and realize that it would be a mistake, and that people would miss you. Well I've gone on to long but I honestly hope you stay ....well.... more or less, but definitly more than less healthy, best wishes.

Drew :)

lower than scum
Posted by elle on Fri Apr 20 23:41:54 2001 (#6605)

i am lower than scum, i dont deserve to live, i dont deserve to die, i dont deserve to be...i cut so bad today guys, i dont know why even, i just feel guilty now, i dont know why i am posting, just lonely and bloody.......

Re: lower than scum
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Fri Apr 20 23:52:21 2001 (#6610)

YOU ARE NOT SCUM please dont ever think that. you do deserve to live and you do deserve to be. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: lower than scum
Posted by gnimia on Fri Apr 20 23:53:31 2001 (#6611)

Dont be lonely. please? I cant help you with being bloody, but if u want to contact me, im gonna be on for a while longer, you may feel a little less lonely?

Oh, and you arent lower than anyone. ive read some of your posts. you are strong and vibrant, and you care. its important.

Get in contact if you want Amy xx

Re: lower than scum
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 20 23:54:03 2001 (#6612)

Aww, elle. Don't say that. You're not lower than scum. You're a beautiful human being with a true gift at providing deep insight to those in need. We value you so much on this board. I'm sorry you cut so badly today. I hope you're alright. And don't be lonely - we all love you so much!!!

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: lower than scum
Posted by elle on Sat Apr 21 00:03:25 2001 (#6613)

the things that are supposed to make me happy now make me cut, the sheer sight of people who love me gets me in the mood and this is really hard to explain, but i want either ALL of peoples attention or NONE of it....i cant stand the inbetween, i got it narrowed down as to why i cut so badly,

i saw the school therapist passing in the hall and she totally ignored me...i have spilled my guts to her and she did not even say hi....i mean, people at my school (small and private) do not have problems...she should be worried about me. and that is so selfish i know but its the truth and i cant change how i feel and its like i either want all of her energy or nothing. sounds wierd....and my mom who spends all of her energy on me i just dont want it. i want her to leave me alone. its such a confusing feeling and i know it sounds nuts....its like i want help from those who dont really want to deal with me and i want seperation from those who do want to help me....i cant quite explain it. if anyone knows what i am talking about maybe they can articulate it in better words....

HELP HATE HOPE wrote that over and over today on my thighs....no room left to cut, i can barely walk....too much blood

my OCD: i have a thing for four letter words that start with H

Re: lower than scum
Posted by Jue on Sat Apr 21 01:57:15 2001 (#6617)

Elle I'm soo sorry. But I do know. People that care I wish they would ignore me, people that don't I wish for their attention. I hate it when someone who is supposed to help doesn't. I didn't show up for this appt. with my therapist once and he didn't even bother to call. I could have been dead or something. Anyway I want you to know that you are special and I hope you are feeling better. Love you And Take Care. Julie

hope, help, hear, hugs, home,
Posted by lys on Sat Apr 21 03:15:46 2001 (#6620)

I don't know what to say. I really am speechless, and yet your post left me wanting to reach through the computer to be able to do something to help you, to hug you if you wanted a hug or to just be there so you are less alone. There are so many words gathering in my mind and I wish I could give them all to you in a way you could understand, but I really don't know how. I think I know a bit of how you are feeling right now. Not a lot, but I think I have an idea. I also know that you are not scum, I know that you are a smart talented caring person and I know that you deserve to be here. You deserve the world, elle, you deserve it served to you on a fucking silver platter. I wish we all got what we deserve all of the time, but I realise that we don't. I understand what you are saying about wanting help from those who aren't willing or capable of giving it, and yet not wanting it from those who are trying to give it to you. I am like that sometimes. It is hard to explain why, but no, it doesn't sounds nuts or anything. It is normal. take care of yourself, lyssie 4 letter words with H: halt help have heal hear hero hold home hope hugs

hope, help, hear, hugs, home,
Posted by lys on Sat Apr 21 03:16:22 2001 (#6621)

I don't know what to say. I really am speechless, and yet your post left me wanting to reach through the computer to be able to do something to help you, to hug you if you wanted a hug or to just be there so you are less alone. There are so many words gathering in my mind and I wish I could give them all to you in a way you could understand, but I really don't know how. I think I know a bit of how you are feeling right now. Not a lot, but I think I have an idea. I also know that you are not scum, I know that you are a smart talented caring person and I know that you deserve to be here. You deserve the world, elle, you deserve it served to you on a fucking silver platter. I wish we all got what we deserve all of the time, but I realise that we don't. I understand what you are saying about wanting help from those who aren't willing or capable of giving it, and yet not wanting it from those who are trying to give it to you. I am like that sometimes. It is hard to explain why, but no, it doesn't sounds nuts or anything. It is normal. take care of yourself, lyssie

4 letter words with H: halt help have heal hear hero hold home hope hugs

Re: lower than scum
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 21 08:21:23 2001 (#6627)

elle,

What caused this sudden relapse? It seemed like you were fine and then all of a sudden... I'm really worried about you. You're really strong and I know you can get through this. Please remember that all your friends here love you.

Remember that you are an individual, special, beautiful, intricate snowflake in the blizzard of people in the world. You deserve all the love and happiness this world has to give. You are so strong. Keep posting when you feel down. Love you tons.

Doris

Re: lower than scum
Posted by elle on Sat Apr 21 18:15:20 2001 (#6637)

i have forgotten my motivation to live and my motivation to die....i am just hopeless. i can feel the depression taking over and i want it to....everyone thinks i am "better" and recovered....i am not, my scars start to fade and they think my emotions are healed, they are not...i watch my body heal and wonder what is wrong with my head, emotional scars dont fade....i am having flashbacks to something but i have no idea what...i feel a presence but i dont know who or what.....i hate talking in real life.....i cannot talk about the trivial, it makes me too annoyed; i cannot talk about the deep becuase nobody understands and to have to explain myself to all the people who annoy me 24-7 just makes me mad, exasperated, and tired.....i feel like in the midst of searching for sight i have lost any insight i might have had....thank you for the kind words all, it is nice to be understood....i feel as if therapy is pointless....he doesnt help, he does not understand and he makes me feel as if what i feel is ridiculous, he doesnt say it but the questions he ask make me feel like i am soo fucked up....i have no idea where this is going. thanks for being there guys, i love you all, hang in there, love+strength.

this is something i wrote in my diary.....
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Fri Apr 20 23:49:59 2001 (#6608)

i wrote this a few days ago and when i re-read it i wanted to share it with you all.

"i am at sam's nans. i spent all last night thinking about cutting. all i want is my blood, i want to see it ruby red, dripping down my arm. i want to feel that wave of relief. i want to add another story to my arm, another secret thrown on the pile. as far as im concerned it is on of the most amazing feelings i have ever felt. the only feeling that even comes close is the feeling of love. being loved and to love. my mum dont love me, she will say she does but she loves the child i was not the woman i am. she dont know who i am or what i want in life. as for my sister, well at least she tries to help. what she doesnt realise is that what i need is for her to let me deal with this in my own way. if i want help i will ask for it, i need her to just be there if i ask. i want a guy that loves and cares for me but im never going to get that. im fat, ugly and i scar my own body. how the fuck am i going to find a guuy that loves me untill i love myself. but i cant even do that. i cant love something this ugly and this screwed up. i have no idea why i even bother even any more.the only reason i live, is for my mate sam. and for the fact that i want my brother(4 yrs) and my sister(8mths) to know thier big sis.i dont want then to only know me by the stories that they are told. i want them to know me for who i am not what other ppl think i am. i wouldnt want ppl like my step-mum telling them that i was a spoit brat just looking for attention. but thats the last thing i want. i dont want the help and attention of anyone. i have had to look after myself all my life so why stop now? i dont want or need the help of my family. all they end up doin is making me feel like a worthless piece of shit. all i want is love....but i dont see that happening."

i wrote this when i was really down. since that i have got a new b/f and he makes me feel gr8, but my family is stiff fucked. so i dont know what to do.

thanx for listening. Love and Hope Amanda

interaction
Posted by gnimia on Sat Apr 21 00:04:57 2001 (#6615)

Afer reading Lost and Lonely's post, im afraid ive come up with another question.

how do people explain cuts, burns etc to boyfriends, girlfriends, partners etc? My boyfriend at the moment (3 months) is really good about it, but he wants me to explain why i do it. which im not sure ill be able to do. i dont feel that comfortable with him, you know? but i cant stop him seeing them. its a lot harder to hide them fromhim than friends family , who i see rarely cos i live 350 miles away. hmm this is getting long. but what do i say? Amy xx

Re: interaction
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sat Apr 21 16:28:27 2001 (#6633)

First of all, thanks for joining my web site, Bleeding Hearts! And as far as explaining it to my husband, he knows. But I have found something that helps him understand. I bought several books on the subject of self injury. I highlight the parts that hit home for me and he allows me to read them to him when he's in the right frame of mind to deal with it. The one that really explains my reasons well for him seems to be the one called "Cutting" by Levenkron. He's more accepting of the fact that I cut since he now understand with the help of that book why I do it. He still doesn't like it, but he understands. Love ®Bleeding Poet (veronica)

Re: interaction
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 09:12:48 2001 (#6662)

it's either red tears when I can't cry or pain outside b/c I either don't want to deal with the pain inside or want it to represent the pain inside...right now I also do it b/c I figure I'm not good enough for anyone else and even so, my body is my own but it's not me so who cares what I do to it

not sure if that's the kind of answer you're looking for, but that's me

in too deep
Posted by SImon on Sat Apr 21 03:41:06 2001 (#6623)

im back again. i had the most tiny relapse a couple of days ago. i just got the way u tend to go when u r sad and alone at night and you have a history of depression and attempted suicide...i got stressed and needed to remind myself how it used to feel to have cold metal cutting open my arm. I have been seeing my a girl for two months (hell of a long time when u look at some of my relationships!) and i already love the hell out of her and i just know im no good for her. i wish i could be good for her but im just bad at making relationships work out. she told me a week or so ago that she had an abortion a couple of years ago when she was 17 and went through a lot trying to cope with it (no-one else knew exept her best friend!) i think that, for all that she seems together and happy on the outside there are some serious issues flying around her head and i dont feel like i'm the best person to act as her 'rock' given my record for stability. All i had to do was mention the abortion eariler today and she burst out in tears (never seen her upset in 2 months-this was me trying to be sensitive!) But i dont feel like its the right thing for her to just brush it under the carped and act like it isnt bothering her. i am so bad at this stuff. i can even cope with my own problems. i know it wont help either of us but i am finding it harder and harder to resist slipping back into my old way of coping with stress.

Oh and on a lighter note, hi 2 NE1 who remembers me from the old days when u all loved each other and didnt just trade insults and criticisms.

(Soz 4 the length of the message and well done 4 getting this far without clicking back!)

Re: in too deep
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Sat Apr 21 11:36:58 2001 (#6629)

i remember when you were here b4. and in someways you are right in what you said in that last comment. as there have been a few bad arguments here latly but they were resolved because of the love we all have for one another. the love is still here but because so many ppl have letf and new ppl have come it has been hidden by confusion. i think you should keep trying with your g/f but dont take my advice my relationships dont last and i usually hurt everyone in the process!!!! Love and Hope Amanda

Re: in too deep
Posted by elle on Sat Apr 21 18:28:00 2001 (#6638)

she told you to get it out there, when she wants you to be there if she needs support, but do not feel like you have to "fix" anything for her, it is part of her being and she has let u in which means she cares deeply for you and just wants you to be a part of it...often, the best way to deal with emotions like she has is to accept that they are there (which she has done by telling u) and then move on and not let them take over your life....you do not have to be perfect or a rock, you just have to be human to support and love....you guys can hopefully support each other through the tough and enjoy the happy...i have no idea, you dont have to listen to me, i am in no state to be giving advice. as for the fights, the love has taken over, everything is resolved and we have all moved on.

Re: in too deep
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sat Apr 21 18:40:05 2001 (#6640)

hey annngeeelll, i remember you! you used to say pretty things about my writing and make me feel all useful...i'm sorry to hear about your fall down, just think of it as part of the healing process, and try not to give into it again... love and huggles helen xxxxxx

Re: in too deep
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 09:07:53 2001 (#6661)

glad you posted b/c I haven't heard from you in a while so at least I know you're sort of okay...sorry for your relapse...

yeah, it's always hard to be a rock when you don't feel stable yourself...a couple people did that to me with heavy problems a while ago and I was just dumbstruck...one was a good friend so I was happy to talk to him...the other was my mom and I told her to find someone else to be her therapist...it's frustrating when you know your mom's nuts (sort of...I respect her in ways but really resent her for a lot of things)

anyway, keep me updated more if you can...always get worried when messages are too far in between...and since I tend to analyze my problems as best I can b/c I hate and won't go to therapists...that comes from when I expected my dad to come and kept calling the airport when he was late and then found out it was he crashed...)

hmm, ending on a better note...I finally finished an art piece (had to copy a charcoal drawing by Odilon Redon) that I put off for months...I hate copying...

take care

Rachel

Re: in too deep
Posted by SImon on Thu Apr 26 01:33:44 2001 (#6815)

I think i may know how you feel about your mom using u as her as a therapist. im the oldest of three so i am the one who she will always come to when she is upset of stressed (it would be my dad but it is usually him who gets her stressed in the 1st place) its been like this for years and i didnt used to mind (or admit minding it to myself) but when i am going through all sorts of shit myself then it kind of dosent help to have my mother asking my honest opinion on things like whether she should leave my dad or her job or shit like that. if i didnt feel much like cutting beforehand then pressure like that gets me into that frame of mind quickly. ist even worse now cos she is off work with stress/depression type stuff - pretty much the same as im going through by the sound of it but i have to do that whole macho guy thing and keep it reletivly quiet (not doing a great job cos a razor just went missing from under my pillow couple of days ago!) enough of my shit dont want 2 bore y'all. bye 4 now.

Si

P.S. got a big gig on the third so wish me luck!

Re: in too deep
Posted by anona1 on Thu Apr 26 09:27:49 2001 (#6834)

good luck

yeah, could never let my family find out...

thanks for popping up before I got too worried

Re: in too deep
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 22 09:21:30 2001 (#6663)

saw that everyone else stated their track record so here's mine...long ago dated guys, jerks, some who hit...there were two or three in there that fell in love with me...one over the course of a couple weeks (though friends since we were babies), the other as friends for 2 years and then more for a year or so...the other, an actor and a jerk in the end, I'm not sure if he ever really loved me (after a few, I don't have a fondness for actors....anyway, I pushed them all away...feel bad about it now...it's terrible how I don't trust anyone...I used let them in and then push them away...well, since that was bad, I just don't get that close with people at all now and it takes a long time for my walls to come down

there, my crappy love life or lack there of in writing

crash and burn.....
Posted by lys on Sat Apr 21 08:39:07 2001 (#6628)

holy shit, I am so funcking stupid.... I told a friend today to confront her boyfriend about problems they were having, and now they are split up and she is in the midst of popping 2 bottles of prescription pain killers/antidepressants..... because of something I told her to do.... she called me, long distance, from god knows where and told me this, and now I don't know what to do... I only know her first name, and the number won't trace and I am freaking out!!! I want to cut so badly... I am going to cut... but I am so worried about her... she could die because of me.... she is to stuborn to baack out now, too. She will die, there is little chance that she makes it... oh god, what have I done??? I keep on doing this, I keep on fucking up and hurting people... I am crying so hard..... everyone please pray for her with me, her name is cassie. She deserves it, and more.... I don't know what else to do!!!! I need to cut though. I am going to freak out if I don't. I am just so scared.... I feel so guilty, and so stupid. I am scared..... please pray for her.....

Re: crash and burn.....
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sat Apr 21 16:32:13 2001 (#6634)

Dear Lys. I don't know how much help this will be for you, but I believe that you had only the best intentions when you told her to confront the boyfriend. It doesn't seem to be yours or her problem, but his inability to cope with confrontation. It's just a shame that she is the one who is suffering...as well as you. I pray that everything with her will be ok. And I pray for you too Lys. Love ®Bleeding Poet

Re: crash and burn.....
Posted by elle on Sat Apr 21 18:34:24 2001 (#6639)

i will be praying for cassie and you....dont feel responsible, it is impossible to hide from problems forever, you telling her to confront them was the right thing to do, i know you probably dont believe me, but please know you are not to blame. her response to their breakup is her actions and you can not do anything about it....i hope shes ok

thank god, or the stars, or whatever!!!
Posted by lys on Sat Apr 21 21:09:32 2001 (#6641)

I just heard from cassie- she is okay!!! oh my god, I am so relieved.... I cried all night last night.... did quite a number on my arms and legs though.... but that is okay, she is okay... oh god, I am crying again... I am so happy that she is okay, she is such a good friend and I know wouldn't be able to live with myself if she died. I feel horrible still about her boyfriend though... I know, I shouldn't, but I do!!! thanks guys, for you prayers (they helped!!!) take care of yourselves, lyssie

Re: thank god, or the stars, or whatever!!!
Posted by Strider on Sat Apr 21 21:20:23 2001 (#6642)

*whew!* (finally releases breath he was holding since last night)

love and prayers, Colin

Paper Of My Soul
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sat Apr 21 16:17:50 2001 (#6630)

Slowly sliding pen across the paper The ink will flow and flow and flow and flow Neverending thoughts soon to follow But not the usual thoughts like those you know

Words which I could not, dare not speak With tongue or breath...not, yet here they are Drop by precious drop it ebbs and waves As I, in trance, go distant, deep, and far

Pulling themselves from thick beneath my skin My skin, it is the paper of my soul My pen? A trusted razor, sacred friend Helping me to feel in some ways whole

Aids me in expression...twisted pain The blade holds all my secrets, all my fears How long before the ink dries up in source? (How long I've wiped on paper sullen tears)

My paper...come... now inch by inch I write My story in my skin for all to see I do not think they understand my anguish Or that I scar to set my spirit free

Somehow, that's not important to me now What is? That I have brought on me a flood That with each chapter of tormented life of my biography was writ in blood

©Author and Copyright Veronica Lee Oyasato 2001/®Bleeding Poet

Re: Paper Of My Soul
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sun Apr 22 12:57:21 2001 (#6671)

I made a mistake in typing this, the computer didn't seperate the lines properly...let's give it another whirl and see if it makes more sence this time.

Slowly sliding pen across the paper

The ink will flow and flow and flow

Neverending thoughts soon to follow

But not the usual thoughts like those you know

Words which I could not, dare not speak

With tongue or breath...not, yet here they are

Drop by precious drop it ebbs and waves

As I, in trance, go distant, deep, and far

Pulling themselves from thick beneath my skin

My skin, it is the paper of my soul

My pen? A trusted razor, sacred friend

Helping me to feel in some ways whole

Aids me in expression...twisted pain

The blade holds all my secrets, all my fears

How long before the ink dries up in source?

(How long I've wiped on paper sullen tears)

My paper...come... now inch by inch I write

My story in my skin for all to see

I do not think they understand my anguish

Or that I scar to set my spirit free

Somehow, that's not important to me now

What is? That I have brought on me a flood

That with each chapter of tormented life

of my biography was writ in blood

©Author and Copyright Veronica Lee Oyasato 2001/®Bleeding Poet

Torture In My Dreams
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sat Apr 21 16:20:30 2001 (#6631)

Sudden jolt, and shudder, I awake And realize that night's not what it seems Apon my rise the fear will not soon leave I relived the torture in my dreams

A mass of contradiction, now I'm safe Then why in me has been placed so much fear? I am awake, alive on outside skin But inside I've been dear about a year

I thought at childhoods' end the pain would go But every day it's with me through and through I long for peace and sanity to find me And make me just a little more like you

©Copyright and Author Veronica Lee Oyasato/ ®Bleeding Poet 2001

Re: Torture In My Dreams
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sun Apr 22 13:00:53 2001 (#6672)

This one too...it is supposed to have lines seperated. Let's give this one a whirl too and see if we can get them apart on this board. Hope it makes more sence now

Sudden jolt, and shudder, I awake

And realize that night's not what it seems

Apon my rise the fear will not soon leave

I relived the torture in my dreams

A mass of contradiction, now I'm safe

Then why in me has been placed so much fear?

I am awake, alive on outside skin

But inside I've been dear about a year

I thought at childhoods' end the pain would go

But every day it's with me through and through

I long for peace and sanity to find me

And make me just a little more like you

©Copyright and Author Veronica Lee Oyasato/ ®Bleeding Poet 2001

Re: Torture In My Dreams
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sun Apr 22 13:02:56 2001 (#6673)

I just can't get this right! The word "dear" was supposed to be "dead".

Sudden jolt, and shudder, I awake

And realize that night's not what it seems

Apon my rise the fear will not soon leave

I relived the torture in my dreams

A mass of contradiction, now I'm safe

Then why in me has been placed so much fear?

I am awake, alive on outside skin

But inside I've been dead about a year

I thought at childhoods' end the pain would go

But every day it's with me through and through

I long for peace and sanity to find me

And make me just a little more like you

©Copyright and Author Veronica Lee Oyasato/ ®Bleeding Poet 2001

Anger's Bride
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sat Apr 21 16:22:43 2001 (#6632)

I try to run, escape, and flee

Inside myself I hide

But it's so much a part of me

No Angels here reside

Twists and turns fill my path

Please come along my ride.

Isn't this a lovely wrath?!

(No it's not,... I lied)

I know there's nothing you can do

I see your hands are tied

This burden, mine, a multitude

But I can say "I tried"

Emotions carry me away

You know...I think I'm "fried"

I and rage were joined in Hell

For I am Anger's Bride

You don't live inside of me

Why is it that you cried?

Oh, I see,... I get it now

The me you knew has died.

Copyright©2001 by

Veronica Oyasato/®Bleeding Poet

Re: Anger's Bride
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 21 22:21:12 2001 (#6644)

Your poetry is amazing. I think this one is my favorite. I checked out your website briefly - I'll go back to it later. I liked it very much. I applaud you for it. I just wanted to tell you that I was deeply moved by your poetry. The fact that you thought anything of mine really means a lot to me, coming from a true poet. Thanks for sharing.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Anger's Bride
Posted by gnimia on Sat Apr 21 23:26:58 2001 (#6645)

just wanted to say that that is amazing. am not usually into poetry, more a prose person, but that was well impressive. keep it up! xx Amy

To Bleeding Poet
Posted by Nicke on Sat Apr 21 16:43:19 2001 (#6635)

Hey I was wondering what the email addy is for your website Bleeding Hearts?

Thanx, Nicke.

Re: To Bleeding Poet
Posted by ®Bleeding Poet on Sun Apr 22 12:50:12 2001 (#6670)

Hey Nicke! Thanks for asking about it. Its http://communities.msn.com/Ble edingHearts Don't get lost in there! Love ®Bleeding Poet (veronica)

Panic (anxiety) Attacks?
Posted by LOST on Sat Apr 21 23:47:29 2001 (#6646)

hi uhm can someone explain to me what an anxiety or panic attack is... because i'm afraid i might have them from what i hear about them... so if anyone here gets them can u like tell me EXACTLY what happens and how u feel and stuff (the symptoms) because if i have them i want to get medicine to supress them or something. thanks

Re: Panic (anxiety) Attacks?
Posted by SImon on Sun Apr 22 02:11:52 2001 (#6647)

My dad used to get them a few years ago (quite a few years ago actually!) the most dramatic and memorable one for me was this time my mum and me were puting together this new cabin bed for my room and my dad shouted something up to my mum and she told me to wait there and went down to see him. basicaly he was convinced (no matter how illogicall it seemed) that he had done something which meant he was just about to die and there was nothing he could do. he kept saying stuff like 'i killed myself' - Very scary stuff to hear from your dad when youre 8 years old! i think i get mild ones every so often which is one of the reasons i cut (or used to cut) but not the only one. The attatcks are often sparked by insignificant events or just by nothing at all. you could get a better discription if u went to a proper medical site cos i am very capable of being wrong about...well, most things really. hope i've been of some help.

Re: Panic (anxiety) Attacks?
Posted by elle on Sun Apr 22 02:28:02 2001 (#6648)

first i start to shake bad, and then i cant breath, and i gasp for air, and i get all pale and dizzy, and i feel like i am gonna throw up

Re: Panic (anxiety) Attacks?
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 22 08:45:41 2001 (#6658)

I start to freak out and then my heart beats really fast. I start to cough/ weaze for air. The I start gasping for air. My head gets really light and I start to feel really faint. Like my head is floating. Things become blurry and I can't think straight at all because I think I'm dying. People talk and you can't listen because you can't focus at all. It's extremely scary, I hope you don't have them. I've wound up in the er for those. Be safe!

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Panic (anxiety) Attacks?
Posted by gnimia on Sun Apr 22 16:21:23 2001 (#6674)

i used to get panic attacks when i was at school, i dont seem to so much now - pretty much as doris describes them. anyway the nurse gave me a paper bag. it sounds silly. but if your breathing really fast and cant catch your breath then breathing into a paper bag helps. it also gives you something else to concentrate on. i had to carry one around for about three years.

Also i was told that if u do faint, then your brething automatically regulates and u are alright, not the best plan maybe but something to bear in mind. panic attacks are not the worst thing ( by a long shot) but they can be scary, its worth remembering that they cant do you a lot of damage.

hope that helps xx

Re: Panic (anxiety) Attacks?
Posted by WeaZLe on Mon Apr 23 22:42:40 2001 (#6723)

hey hun, i had a panic attack when i went to an eminem concert (which if i blare about im sure will add to the controversy of his being in UK and definitely wont help my reputation :) so anyway, ummmm i dont get them often, mine ar eonly minor but get them in exams and shit...usually at times when theres absolutely NOTHING i can do except try and confront it... they aint bad mine at all, ive only ever had one bad and even that was minor and that was the concert. i just felt really really nauseated and like i was gonna be sick, and i didnt know what to do, and i felt like i physically couldnt breathe, and if id understood then, i could have gained control but at that moment i TRULY could not breathe.... then i felt real weird, and lke lost, like something was wrong and i really didn't know what... so i had ton leave for a while :( but i got better fast after some water. i get them real minorly at exams too, where my head just spins and i CANT read what is there on the page...i can read it...like i can peice the sentence together and everything....but no matter how many times i get the words thru my head i cant make sense out of it. there just words, they dont mean anything., i recognise the words but something as simple as "suzie puts the sulphur oxide into the iron ore, what does she produce?" (not that that is an easy question but it isnt hard to read is my point - and i havent a clue what im talking about there anyway) something as simple as that reads like "suzie onion sat carrot head moose" to me...and im like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MEANT TO MEAN......and then i cant breathe again...i think im just so afraid of failure...:(

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