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Threads 1451 to 1500

2 things...
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 3 05:50:23 2001 (#5401)

ok i have 2 things to talk about, and i'm not sure what i'm looking for in response... but both of them scare me...

#1 first lemme give u the backround info on this one... i have a boyfriend... i've been with him for 3 years.. BUT for the last YEAR of that time, he has been in jail (YES jail... and please don't judge for that or tell me that he's a loser or anything, because it goes a lot deeper than that) ANYWAY, his time is almost up, and he will be out VERY SOON (a month and a half... which is like NOTHING to me since he's been gone so long) and i don't know what to do. i'm scared shitless of this. ok in one way i am soooooooooooooooooo excited and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy, but in another way, i am so scared and so horrified of what may happen. i love this guy beyond comprehension and i've remained faithful to him (for the most part) this entire year that he's been gone... i want it to work with us, but its a 50/50 thing... and i don't know if i'm willing to risk my heart with him again... he says he loves me and he wants us to have a future... but those are just words... i'm scared to actually SEE if they are TRUE words. and GOD i know i sound lame and stuff because i'm sitting here complaining about a guy but i'm just soo scared of what may happen. and actually, in a way i'm a little afraid for my safety because i know if he gets out the SECOND i see him i will cry and be so happy and i won't ever want to let him go... but if he leaves me, i fear for my life because i honestly don't think i'd be able to have him hurt me again. and dammit i know that sounds psycho and immature and stuff, but i'm just being honest... ok i'll shut up about that...

#2... the SECOND thing is, are any of u scared of the future? i don't know why, but the future scares the shit out of me and makes me want to scream. i mean i can't even think about a few months from now let alone a few years... it scares me too much. i can't really explain how or why... i think its because i've been homeless and on the streets before and the whole time i was filled with this disgusted horrible worthless hopeless feeling that was worse and more intense than anything i've ever felt in my life... worse then all the times i've wanted to die... worse then all the times that i've been hurt... i mean the feeling that engulfed me was incomprehansable..... and maybe thats why i'm so scared of the future. everytime i think of what i will become or what my future holds, i get filled with that same feeling... UGH i just wish it would disappear. i know i'm gonna be a worthless piece of shit when i get older anyway, so sometimes theres really no use in trying to make something of myself... oh my god... ok i can't talk about this anymore cuz that feeling is all in me now (please don't think i'm psycho) ok this was pointless but thanks for paying attention :) bye

Re: 2 things...
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 3 09:56:52 2001 (#5405)

can't relate to the jail part, but I can relate to love and thinking I can't survive something that doesn't work out again...which is why even though I want love so bad, I want to give up on everything and don't want it...guess that makes sense...so sad, I don't want to risk my life for the thing that might save it...but, I don't want to trust...so, if someone's persistant enough and seems to actually care...it'll just go from there...

about your #2...I feel like I'll never amount to anything no matter how hard I try...right now, I'm trying and it's keeping me going so I'm sorta okay...better than the few weeks before...it's weird, b/c my family always says I'm talented...but they think I don't try and some tell me I'm just not good enough now, like my mom...so my logic, however screwed up it may be, says if my mom thinks I'm not good enough, how can I ever be for anyone else...which is why I have no confidence

today I was shopping and this girl in the store offered to do a free makeover on me...my first thought was, you actually noticed me?...I felt so weird that someone was paying attention to me and was all cheery...then I just figured she was being nice and all to make a sale...she was nice, but since I don't know if it wasn't fake, it makes me feel worse...the only people who want me just want to use me...

oh, fuck me...forget me...it's not all about me...dammit, I don't know what to think anymore...this message got very off the topic, sorry...don't know if anything I said meant anything...take care

Re: 2 things...
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 05:32:52 2001 (#5427)

I hate the future for not holding hope, I hate the past for holding dissapointment, and I hate myself for not living in the present.

Re: 2 things...
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 4 12:45:52 2001 (#5433)

I hate the present too, but it's more bareable (sp?) than the others I guess

Re: 2 things...
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 13:48:16 2001 (#5437)

the present is definatly more bearable, this is how i see it. I hate myself for cutting in the past, i know i will cut in the future, but in the present when i am cutting it is wonderful.

Julie - appt?
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 4 02:04:44 2001 (#5419)

Hey Julie,

I was just wondering if you had your appointment with your therapist. I don't mean to pry or be excessively nosy, but I was just wondering how it went. And if you didn't have it already, I would love it if you posted and tell us all how it goes. Sorry if I'm over-stepping my boundaries, but I'm just very glad that you'll be going. I have heard some stories of bad experiences with professionals, but all of my experiences have been really great. I hope you keep up your appointments. As much as I hate going to my appointments, I can't deny that they help me. Please consider keeping up with your appointments. I dunno, just a thought. Be well and stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Julie - appt?
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 4 23:31:02 2001 (#5448)

this makes me soooo ashamed and angry and mad at myself but i didn't go. the ironic thing is that i am skipping the appt right now as i write this. i can't really explain it but, it makes me feel so ashamed and dirty. i want to shower for hours on end after. i haven't gone for over a month. when i get home though the therapist will probably call me, and i don't want to hear his voice, i hate everything about him, his office, his face, his clothes, the way he walks, he makes me soo soo angry sometimes when he talks to me that i want to strangle him. sorry i got carried away, but i think i need a new therapist since this guy makes me feel like a freak. sorry i feel really guilty. Thanks for asking i sometimes need to tell people things, unless they ask me but i am probably disgusting all of you so i will go...Does therapy make anyone else feel this gross or am i just very strange?????

Re: Julie - appt?
Posted by LOST on Wed Apr 4 23:49:49 2001 (#5452)

i don't ever open up to them. it makes me feel retarded... cuz they just stare at u and they don't really care because they see people like u all the time. i don't like it at all

Re: Julie - appt?
Posted by L on Thu Apr 5 06:20:47 2001 (#5464)

it makes me feel so disgusting. i hate haveing to confront actual issues and i hate the questions he askes me. i have been complaining to everyone about it recently and i got this advice from a friend: You can hate therapy, and you don't have to like your therapist, but you should believe that it can improve your life. I am not sure if I truly believe it can improve my life right now but hey anything is worth a shot. stay strong

Re: Julie - appt?
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 07:40:21 2001 (#5488)

Julie,

Thanks for posting. Don't be ashamed that you didn't go, it takes a lot to go to one of those appointments. I'm just glad you told us, that was very brave. Therapy has helped me so much, I know it has. But I have to agree with you, when I go I feel like a raving pyscho. When they pretend that they care, and tell you things that have nothing to do with anything in your life and they make stupid-ass suggestions for your 'healing.' Trust me, I know how all that is. I hate it, you're not the only one. I just wish (and I will pray for it) that you will have the strength to find a new therpist. It's hard - you have to look all around and then 'develop a relationship' with the new one... and see if you like him/her. Just please give it some serious thought. It helps, it really does. Be well and stay strong.

Love and strength,

Doris

Uncertainty
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 05:26:49 2001 (#5426)

I have been focusing so hard on trying to stop cutting lately that I have forgotten why I wanted to stop in the first place. My therapist told me that I need to stop becuase i should be kind to myself. But isn't being kind to myself allowing myself to cut and not to be so emotionally overwhelmed trying to stop? the only thing I can think of is that I could slip and bleed to death or get an infection or something but I am always EXTREMELY careful. So I kinda have forgotten what my point was, i have the worst memory. I guess I can only see why cutting is GOOD right now, could someone remind me why its supposed to be bad???

side effects
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 05:37:00 2001 (#5428)

I have been having really random moments when I can't remeber things like what year it is or who I am talking to on the phone or i raise my hand to answer a question in class and i cant remeber the question. do you think this could be due to SSRIs? Does this happen to aanyone else? Its been happening to me a lot more since i started my meds.

Re: side effects
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 4 06:17:43 2001 (#5429)

do you smoke weed. that could be it. I seem to be forgetting everything these days. Don't worry! Spark it!

Re: side effects
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 13:45:29 2001 (#5436)

no weed

Re: side effects
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 4 23:35:55 2001 (#5449)

that happened to me the first week of my medication, but it is gone now. how long have you been on it for??

Re: side effects
Posted by L on Thu Apr 5 00:59:26 2001 (#5455)

about a week, and all this started at the same time i started. i hope it goes away b/c its been getting worse like it took me five minutes this morning to decide wether it was 2000 or 2001

Re: side effects
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 5 23:22:17 2001 (#5468)

that was what happened my first week as well as feeling nauseous and not being able to eat but i have been on it for almost six weeks and i feel no effects. if it keeps up though go back to your doctor.

Re: side effects
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 00:37:06 2001 (#5474)

thanks for the advice, i was getting kinda worried.

research
Posted by Janice Rodman on Wed Apr 4 09:33:12 2001 (#5432)

To Self-Injury Help Groups,

I am a student at Cal state Northridge. I am involved in a research paper about self injury. My research hypothesis is: a history of childhood physical and emotional abuse contributes to self injury in the teens years and young adulthood. I would be sending out of simple questionnaire for individuals to answer. The information with the confidential and anonymous. Please let me know if anyone in your groups would participate in my research projects. If so I will E-mail the questionnaire as soon as possible. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Janice Rodman E-mail @ Diverse420@aol.com

Re: research
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 4 12:52:41 2001 (#5434)

you can send one, I just can't answer it in the near future...

it doesn't have to be both kinds of abuse...and I think trauma and self-image can also cause it without abuse...anyway, that's just my thought

Re: research
Posted by bluehaze on Wed Apr 4 18:30:12 2001 (#5441)

Yeah - I'll do it!

Re: research
Posted by Jue on Wed Apr 4 23:39:20 2001 (#5450)

sure i will help you. but i don't think all of us have been horribly abused i think it can be more subtle types of abuse. Anyways hope you are successful.

Re: research
Posted by LOST on Wed Apr 4 23:40:58 2001 (#5451)

me too :)

Re: research
Posted by necrosis on Thu Apr 5 02:46:48 2001 (#5459)

no prob - send uz the wadgemedoozie

Re: research
Posted by STitcHeZ on Fri Apr 6 03:04:57 2001 (#5481)

I would love to help you with your research! please feel free to e-mail me

-amanda-

Re: research
Posted by sara on Sun Apr 8 05:26:33 2001 (#5575)

sure, i'll try to answer your questions. -sara-

Re: research
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 13 19:59:34 2001 (#5965)

yeah, I will fill it out. I did an essay on SI about a year ago, and I found a source that said that 40% (at least) of all self-injurers were sexually abused as children. I can't remember where I read that, nor do I have the sources anymore. But yeah, it has been shown before. lyssie

going
Posted by anona1 on Wed Apr 4 12:55:01 2001 (#5435)

don't want to presume people care, but don't want people to worry either...

have spring break for a couple weeks...nothing exciting...hopefully I'll get 3 out of 4 papers done though...if not, I'll be worse off when I get back...anyway, take care all

Re: going
Posted by Kate on Wed Apr 4 16:19:33 2001 (#5439)

Bye! Have fun. Don't study too hard.

Strongholds
Posted by Linda on Wed Apr 4 16:26:25 2001 (#5440)

"(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal(fleshly--like our strength or our strong desire), but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)" and here's how to do that: "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity EVERY thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge ALL disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled." MY HOPE IS STILL ALIVE!!!

How much?
Posted by Angel on Wed Apr 4 18:44:32 2001 (#5442)

Today has been the worst day in my existence but hey. I REALLY wanted to write "Why are you so fucking miserable?" down leg but i made a shorter version "Y R U so sad?" due to the fact that i dont want to pass out cos of blood loss. So does anyone know how much blood u can lose before you pass out?? Angel

Re: How much?
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 19:23:44 2001 (#5443)

I am not sure how much blood, I only passed out once and i didnt lose that much blood. there have been other cases in which i have lost more blood and didnt pass out. Basically, fainting is a sign of shock. Shock is in part caused by blood loss but it is also psycological. If you go into shock you should get help right away. It will shut down your body from your limbs to your heart and it will kill you. I hope you are ok. If you start to feel shaky, and your heart goes fast and you get sweaty you should get medical help right away. I know thats a lot easier said than done. And you are less likely to go into shock if you keep control of the situation in your mind. Tell your self it will be ok and dont freak out. Hope this helps.

Re: How much?
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 4 21:15:41 2001 (#5444)

I have only passed out once..and it was a while ago. But I do remember what happened. Well I got very angry at myself, more angry than I've ever been, and I picked up my razor and just started cutting myself all over without even thinking, really really fast and the deepest I have ever done. I don't think I passed out from blood loss, I just think I was in shock from everything I was feeling, seeing, and doing to myself. It was definately the worst experience I had with cutting, cuz my friend found me and brought me to the hospital. I was so out of it and completely embarassed. I never want anyone to see me like that again, so I swore I would never cut that bad again. Ofcourse I broke my promise, but I was more calm and collected the pieces of my soul off the bathroom floor that lay in a puddle of blood, cracked a smile, and lied to the world "I'm Fine!". Ah well...thats how it is.

Alana

Re: How much?
Posted by L on Thu Apr 5 01:03:35 2001 (#5456)

yeah, mine was similar. it was just this past weekend. and i was cutting a lot really fast and not soo deep and then all of a sudden i noticed this one was SOOOOOOOOO DEEEEP and it freaked me out and i ran to the bathroom and the next thing i remeber after slamming the door was lying on the floor in a pool of blood by my leg. i have no idea how long i was there. it was scary.

Re: How much?
Posted by necrosis on Thu Apr 5 02:55:13 2001 (#5460)

just over a week ago I cut deeply & ended up in casualty needing 50+ stitches. Physically I've had M.E. for 2 years which complicates this. Anyway, I bled constantly for 6 hours or so - realised I couldn't just fall asleep, then kept collapsing due to loss of blood. Fortunately after much falling over & lying on my back pondering imponderables I got to my neighbours.

My father was told had I have fallen asleep (which I had to fight so fucking hard as it felt so warm & cosy - hyperthermia is similar I believe) - spelling unknown - there's a very good chance I'd have died. Blood loss if you make many deep cuts is very very dangerous. Please be careful.

love xxxxx

Re: How much?
Posted by Angel on Thu Apr 5 18:35:28 2001 (#5467)

Well thats kinda scary. i doubt i would ever cut that deep and/or so much. There isnt enough hatred in my small world, as of yet... sounds very bad though. Angel xx

Re: How much?
Posted by STitcHeZ on Fri Apr 6 03:09:14 2001 (#5482)

I have cut very deep, filled towels up with blood, and have yet to pass out, i have felt woozy, ad sick, but haven't passed out yet, so i suppose that it depends upon the person.

-Amanda-

*
Posted by ** on Wed Apr 4 22:41:16 2001 (#5447)

alcohol can help forget problems. Two years ago I was addicted to alcohol and lately I drink more and more, just to forget everything. I don't wont to be an addict but it can help..

Re: *
Posted by L on Thu Apr 5 01:05:18 2001 (#5457)

alcohol and cutting are a dangerous mix as i am sure you know....be safe

Re: *
Posted by necrosis on Thu Apr 5 02:58:06 2001 (#5461)

I drink to soothe anxiety. I cut far more when I drink. Drink less & it's good, drink too much especially when low & it's a one way ticket to slashville. Be careful

love xxx

Re: *
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 00:53:09 2001 (#5476)

please please please please please be careful. when you drink more you can't feel pain as much and you tend to not realize when youve cut too deeply...etc. Also, when you are drinking your blood becomes thinner and your cuts do not stop bleeding as quickly and you can lose lots and lots of blood. And you can even not realize how much blood you've lost until you are in schock and its too late. I love you all so please be careful when mixing the two

GOOD NEWS...PLEASE READ!!!!
Posted by RedTears on Thu Apr 5 05:12:15 2001 (#5462)

Hey everyone, I've got good news. Me and my ex are back together after going out for a year and breaking up in Feb. I was so scared that he wouldn't go back out with me. Cuz of my cutting. BUT I signed a "no cutting" contract for him (including my counselor). So that is gone from my life and in return I'm with the greatest guy I know!!!! God, I'm happy right now. Well I gotta go. Peace

Re: GOOD NEWS...PLEASE READ!!!!
Posted by L on Thu Apr 5 06:16:27 2001 (#5463)

congrats, stay strong.

Re: GOOD NEWS...PLEASE READ!!!!
Posted by STitcHeZ on Fri Apr 6 03:11:36 2001 (#5483)

I'm happy for you! I hope you find this board a support for when u are having a tough time, we're here for you! :) i wish you the best!

-Amanda-

Re: GOOD NEWS...PLEASE READ!!!!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 07:49:05 2001 (#5489)

Congratulations, I'm sincerely happy for you. Please keep your contract and be well and happy.

Love and strength,

Doris

Suzie's messege
Posted by Strider on Thu Apr 5 08:00:09 2001 (#5465)

OK everyone, I have some news about Suzie. After she took those pills, her parents freaked right out. They restricted her internet access, and blocked a bunch of web sites INCLUDING the Psyke messege board, so she will not be able to post any more. Her parents also took her to talk to a doctor on Monday and it didnt seem to go well. She also said that her parents had the phone number laid out of a mental institution in the area, so she might be going there. She want's you all to know that she loves you all and will never forget you, and to Instant Messege her whenever you see her online, and to e-mail her as well. That is Suzie's messesge. I for one pray that it's not her last.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Suzie's messege
Posted by black rose on Thu Apr 5 23:52:09 2001 (#5472)

omg...I hope she's ok...I'll IM her the 1st time I c her! Ig2g...bye Christine

Re: Suzie's messege
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 00:57:29 2001 (#5477)

my love and prayers to suzie. i dont know what i'd do without her! she is such an amazing person.

Re: Suzie's messege
Posted by STitcHeZ on Fri Apr 6 03:15:12 2001 (#5484)

Thank you for informing us all colin! i hope Suzie is going to be okay, but at least it is good that she is recieving the help that she needs. There are studies out that show that being on the computer aids to depression...who knows! my parents have also tried to take away PSYKE and other various sites from me. but i fight for em :) tell suzie i wish her the best, and i hope she will be able to greet us with her presence sometime soon!

-Amanda-

Re: Suzie's messege
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 07:51:30 2001 (#5490)

Thank you, Colin. Let's all pray for her while she's on her way to getting better (hopefully). Give her our love and strength. God speed.

Doris

Re: Suzie's messege
Posted by Angel on Fri Apr 6 19:32:38 2001 (#5499)

"Restricting someone will only cause more disturbance in the long run" Just thought I'd add that

Make SENSE!!!
Posted by Whits on Thu Apr 5 18:07:56 2001 (#5466)

have u ever liked someone so much?? only to have them reject you over and over again?? Why the heck am i not good enough for ANYONE!!! finally having a chance with someone was like a break-through, but all the pain that went along with it wasn't freakin' worth it....EVER!! Not to mention that my father is controlling freak, and keeps me under "watchful eye", never allowing me to stray, never allowing me to speak my mind, AND THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW IS TO BURN MYSELF...talk about away to express yourself, HA! everyone is so perfect at my school, but they are all to freakin' stoopid to realize what the the heck is goin on. HA, they all believed it was a rollerblading accident, ANYONE WITH COMMON SENSE DOESN'T GET BURNS FROM ROLLERBLADING. Everything just added up that day, and i'm still dealin with it (because my parents found out and take me to shrinks) but they don't help, it's not like thay know what is goin on!!!! anyways, back to school, can't wait till' i GET HOME.

Re: Make SENSE!!!
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 5 23:35:44 2001 (#5469)

Have you ever noticed the curl of Sam2's mouth when he looks at you????...It is because he is insane, because when he loved you, you didn't notice. Don't you hate it when people think you're fine when really, you are extremely fucked up? That thing about Sam2 up there is from this book. I thought it was a fairly powerful quote about how obtuse people can be to not notice when something is wrong. Or maybe I am just a really good actor. Honestly though, are people that blind????????

Re: Make SENSE!!!
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 5 23:41:23 2001 (#5471)

i am sure you probably noticed that those to are the same except that last line. Sorry i wanted to indoctrinate you. Just joking i just screwed up so please forgive me...heh.heh.heh. i hope you laugh at my inadequacy.

Re: Make SENSE!!!
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 5 23:36:25 2001 (#5470)

Re: Make SENSE!!!
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 00:46:56 2001 (#5475)

I have had tons of skating accidents and considering i go after school every day nobody ever seemed to think the cuts could be from anything else. Well, to my shock when i told a friend about my cutting recently she said she had always kinda suspected it. And i was shocked. But, as to love being so hard i understand. Nothing good is ever easy. And it is extremely hard to have a good relationship with someone when you dont have a good relationship with yourself. And chances are, if you burn, and you are similar to me, you dont have a good relationship with yourself.

Re: Make SENSE!!!
Posted by ** on Fri Apr 6 11:53:45 2001 (#5495)

almost everybody I know, knows that I cut.They just ask how i do it but never ask why.It's like they don't want to accept that not everybody is happy in this world.

I don't show my scars because I want attention but because I don't care anymore what people think of me.

Re: Make SENSE!!!
Posted by whits on Tue Apr 17 17:55:09 2001 (#6371)

do you ever try so hard to make your self better only to find that the people who wnated that hate what you're doing?? people will try to change you, and really it's none of their business. you need the kind of friends that want to HELP you and they will change how YOU feel about yourself. even though they don't know it, they are the ones helping you change (for the better) and the nosy jerks that are telling you to change are just brining you down. THEY CAN'T HELP, THEY THINK A COUPLE WORDS IS GOING TO CHANGE MY OULOOK ON LIFE??? THEY THINK HOW I PRESENT MYSELF IS ANY OR THEIR BUSINESS?? I THINK I CAN REALIZE WHEN I NEED HELP AND WHEN I DON'T WANT IT!!!!!! they are the ones making me so frustrated that i want to burn, it's CONTROLLING and no one understands that, for that matter they just write me off under "PSYCHO" List and avoid me!! when you face a problem is when you truly have guts, anyone can ingnore someone but it take a strong person to face what's bothering them and ask a simple question, "Can I help you?"

ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 6 00:12:07 2001 (#5473)

Hey! I read your response to me a while ago and I wasn't sure how to respond but i thought about it a lot and here is what I have to say: I believe that we should love God with our hearts not our minds. I think there are people who think they know God but they just know things in their heads. I have hope in my heart, but sometimes my head is just a little too crazy and weak. I believe also that love is much stronger than our beliefs. I think probably the only reason I haven't committed suicide is because of my fear of what would happen to my soul. But anyways I don't think my mind can run rampant, but I just think that right now I have to let my heart control, not my head if that is possible. Last night I was at a bible study and I spoke about how when we are most vulnerable this is when we receive the most help. so I think I need to be honest before I can receive the help I need, which I am trying to work on. Anyways I appreciate your passion. Love, Julie

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 6 06:02:21 2001 (#5486)

Hi Jue! Thanks for letting me know that you read my response. I don't believe I have ever talked to you before. I have been on this board for over a year now. I am not a cutter but came in search of understanding because I am acquainted with someone who has done this before. So, I do not have the problems that you all have. I have learned a lot from you all and have begun to understand a little more why you would do this. My confidence, though, is in the Bible which I believe to be without error and God's word to us. So therefore, I believe that it is there I find the answers to my problems. I read your response several times and tried to think what you meant about loving God with our heart but not our minds. I'm not sure I could understand that. There is a "mind" verse in Isaiah 26:3 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee; because he trusteth in thee." Isn't that a beautiful thought and I believe it is a promise that I can trust in because it came from a God that cannot lie. And remember God is love.....so if you want to be more loving...it makes sense that you must have more of God. Oh, when I read that the only reason you haven't committed suicide is because you fear for your soul........it breaks my heart. Because I believe that the Bible teaches that your soul's destination can be settled while here on earth. I believe that from scripture we are taught that an understanding of our sinful condition and the fact that Jesus was God and came to pay for our sins, an accepting of His substitution for us is all that it takes to settle our eternal destination. I don't believe that makes me perfect......I only wish......I believe that it gives me the Holy Spirit to comfort and teach me and a promise of a new body for eternity at my death or either at the return of Jesus Christ to redeem His own. I still have all the capacity for sin and can willfully do whatever I want but as God's child, I will suffer loss of blessings and sometimes chastisement here on this earth if I refuse to confess my sins and repent. My eternal destination is determined at one particular point and never changes!! Why? Because salvation is His work alone....not mine. The process of growing up spiritually is my job. Sometimes we Christian do wrong things but that does not challenge our home in heaven. Hope this explains my hope. In Christian love, Linda

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 07:56:32 2001 (#5491)

Well spoken, Linda. As a recent Christian, I admire your openness and honesty. God bless.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 6 14:39:00 2001 (#5498)

((((((((Doris)))))))))) Welcome to the family Doris. So you are my new sister!! FANTASTIC! I would just encourage you to never become defeated by the wiles of Satan. He is already defeated and you have ALL you need in the Holy Spirit to bring your body into subjection to His will. His will is perfect!! God does not wish to have you in "bondage" to Himself but to love Him with all that is within you....a pure love that is well worth the effort. May you walk in His love and peace and come into His "rest"!! Love, Linda

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 6 22:55:34 2001 (#5504)

I'm afraid I didn't explain myself quite how I meant it. I have a habit of doing that. I do believe that we must hold God in our minds. First and foremost, though our love for him must be protected in our hearts. Take for example these people that are very dear to me from my bible studies: they are mentally challenged, but the love in their hearts is so immense, this is how we can serve God even though we don't understand some things. This is what I want you to do for me so that you can understand what I mean: Imagine something that could happen that could shake your faith. Something you belive God will never ever do. (this is just to show what i mean so don't worry about me thinking you have a weak faith because i think your faith is very strong) Imagine that thing happening. It would seem to almost ruin our beliefs, wouldn't it? But if we have love in our hearts it could never ever take that away. Love is the strongest when it is in the heart and it is most important in the heart because it overpowers our beliefs. Love is stronger than death. I hope you understand now how someone who is confused in their mind can still love God. I really am still a kid though (i turn 18 on april 10) and i get the feeling that you are older than me so maybe you have life experiences that I have yet to learn. Anyhow I am clinging to the love in my heart and I hope that my head will get better. Love, Julie

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 6 23:56:18 2001 (#5514)

: ) How did you guess that I was older than you!!! Actually I am 55 and have been a Christian for 50 of those years. I think I could understand some of what you were meaning. And I most certainly believe that someone can love God and still be very confused in their mind. I can understand that even mentally challenged people have the capacity to love God with all their hearts. All I hope to say to you is that even when your mind is telling you bad things, there is HOPE......there is a rock to stand on.....there is solid ground. Satan would have you believe that your mind being confused means that there is no God or there is no hope......that is the thing that hurts me most on this board---the confusion and lack of stability with very caring and sensitive people. I just want to keep the fact before you all that there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon!!!!!! By the way, Happy Birthday next Tuesday!!!! Hope you have a great one.

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 23:07:33 2001 (#5506)

Thank you, Linda. That really means a lot to me. And may I just say that you have an amazing ability to express your faith in words. Sometimes (when people ask me about it) I have a hard time putting what I feel in my heart into words. You really speak beautifully about your faith, I hope you know that. Anyway, thank you for welcoming me to the family. I know I love it here. :) Be well and happy. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

PS - Just curious, how old are you? And how long have you been a Christian?

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Linda on Sat Apr 7 00:05:21 2001 (#5516)

Wellllllllllllll, I just answered your two questions in my reply to Jue. My parents became Christians when I was four years old and my dad decided very shortly that God would have him go into the ministry so at the age of five, I was blessed with these two people in my life that were full of faith. They sold all that they had and went to Bible college. It was not surprising that my knowledge of my sin was made known to me then at that age. My parents had not been "angels" before their salvation and so they decided that there children would be, so they were very strict, though loving. Consequently, I never had to put too much into my relationship with Jesus until after I married. I wrestled with lack of assurance because I really didn't understand the doctrines. I was a weak Christian. At 21, I got assurance of my salvation after it finally dawned on me that I knew how to get saved if, for some reason, I had not done it properly, so I knelt and called on Jesus to save me and really poured out my heart to Him. I prayed that He would give me a desire for His word and the answer to that one prayer solidified my faith. I know now, that I was saved when I was five but I really consecrated myself when I was 21. It has since become a mission of mine to try to thwart Satan's attempts at confusion of young Christians. Thanks for your kindness.

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Jue on Sat Apr 7 06:57:00 2001 (#5544)

Thanks Linda you have made me dig deeper about my faith. I am glad you understand me better now.Love, Julie

Re: ATTN:LINDA
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 07:28:02 2001 (#5547)

Thanks for the info, Linda. It's an honor to be your sister. :) Be well and God bless.

Love and strength,

Doris

Things are the way they were before!
Posted by Julia on Fri Apr 6 01:16:26 2001 (#5478)

Well, i am not too happy now. I knew that things couldn't really change. Everything is just the way it was before I went into the hospital. I wonder what is going to happen to me this time. The schools here are going on strike so I'm going to have a lot of free time on my hands. Any ideas? I feel so lonely, way more than I did before I went to the hospital. I am even more depressed. When does this horrible roller coaster end? Will it ever end?

Julia

Re: Things are the way they were before!
Posted by Alana on Fri Apr 6 02:29:27 2001 (#5480)

do you live in ontario?

Re: Things are the way they were before!
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 08:05:18 2001 (#5493)

Julia,

First of all, I'm so incredibly sorry that you feel worse than before you went to the hospital. It's just not supposed to be that way. :( Anyway, I just wanted to BEG you to keep busy during your time off from school. Remember - "Idle hands do the Devil's work." Do anything - exercise, write, draw... anything! Just please keep busy and please keep posting so we know how you are. Be well, Julia.

Love and strength,

Doris

PS - It was good to hear from you again. I would have loved it to be on happier terms, but it's just good to hear how you're doing.

Mentally Fucked Up!
Posted by Julia on Fri Apr 6 01:22:28 2001 (#5479)

I believe that i am mentally fuucked up now, from everything that has happened. The few weeks before i went to the hospital I was taking prescription drugs to make me feel better, although I was not allowed to take them. I feel so messed up now. I can't remember how I washed away so quickly. Only a few weeks and in the hospital I went. How could I have fallen so fast without catching myself? I can't remember anything about the day I was admitted to the hospital, only small bits and pieces. Anyway, later... Julia

Re: Mentally Fucked Up!
Posted by STitcHeZ on Fri Apr 6 03:20:28 2001 (#5485)

We're here if you need anything julia, i know how frustrating it can be when you go into the hospital and they get all these plans set up for you and it seems all good, then u leave and it goes back to the way it was. that was the same thing that happened to me when i went in the hopsital a few years ago. just hang in there we're willing to listen and help!

-Amanda-

Re: Mentally Fucked Up!
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 22:55:28 2001 (#5503)

i dont really know what to say except that i hope things get better for you. hang in there.

Re: Mentally Fucked Up!
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 13 20:06:07 2001 (#5967)

I just got out of hospital, I was in for 2 months, out for a week and then I od'ed and was back in for a couple of days only. Now I am out again. like you, I remember very little of being admitted or even the first little while. For the second od I was kind of sedated (I had taken sleeping pills, tylenol and aspirin) and I woke up tied to a bed with tubes and ivs and shit. They stuck a tube down my nose to give me charcoal, so I had to be restrained. It sucked big time. It is difficult to feel like you are falling so fast, and just remember that you can get back up. It may take time, but apparently we have a lot of that!!! Anyways, take care of yourself. Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk (veg_head@thespark.com). Take care, lyssie

just curious...
Posted by Cameron on Fri Apr 6 06:30:27 2001 (#5487)

I'm a cutter - I've been one for years, and I've had heaps of explanations given to me as to why but they don't matter. I cut, and that's all there is to it. What I want to know is why someone like me, who's nice (I think), relatively pretty, smart, and always attracts people to begin with, can't hold a stable relationship. Believe me, I've started a few promising ones. Any other cutters with the same problem? Is it because I cut, or do I cut coz there's something wrong with me, and that doubles as the reason I can't keep relationships on track - romantic and not?

Re: just curious...
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 08:01:57 2001 (#5492)

I was alone for years, and when I started cutting it got a whole lot worse. My friends didn't even want to know me because of my cutting. I mean, there were "there" for me, but they would avoid my emotions all together - kind of a "let's just not get into it" strategy - that hurt. It's only when I stopped that I re-established a healthy relationship with them. And, I recently found a man who I believe with every inch of my body is my soulmate. Nothing like this has ever happened to me - and it happened after I stopped cutting... just a thought. Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: just curious...
Posted by Maggie on Fri Apr 6 10:55:28 2001 (#5494)

Hey! I feel like that too! I have heaps of superficial friends, but as soon as they really get to know me, they drift away. Same as relationships with males... heaps of good starts, but all follow with depressing endings soon after... I think the loss of friends is due to the cutting, but the cutting is due to loss of boyfriend. So that must mean my problem with boyfriends is my fault... oh well...no loss to them or me really.

Re: just curious...
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 13:12:31 2001 (#5496)

viscious cycle

Re: just curious...
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 13:16:52 2001 (#5497)

i've said it before but i truly believe it. if you are cutting, on some level you probably dont like yourself. even if you may not realize it. and how are we supposed to have relationships with others and men if you cant even have a good relationship with yourself? well...thats my thoughts. in order for the relationship to continue to move forward you must have faith in yourself and faith that you love yourself enough to be loved by someone else....starting to lose coherence. I'll quit.

Re: just curious...
Posted by Angel on Fri Apr 6 19:42:09 2001 (#5500)

As u probably know the majority of people are weak. If they don't understand something they dont think it is real. Strong people are the ones who will love no matter what, if u were paralysed from the neck down (which some of us very unfortunately are) and they still loved u and didnt care what others thought. These people are rare if u ever find one dont let go. Unless of course u dont like them. I mean this in any form, not just boyfriend-girlfriend. just a thought.... Angel xx

Re: just curious...SPEECHES
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 6 21:17:41 2001 (#5501)

What you are describing sounds similar to me. My therapist even told me that I was a mystery to him. I mean why do I cut I really have no idea yet but today I really think I will stop soon no matter what. I have lots of friends and people often tell me their problems but I never open up to anyone else I think this may be one of my problems. Perhaps I am extremely emotional but I always just hide it.Today there was an article in the newspaper today about SI, but it was so superficial, nothing I could relate to. I think everyone is so complex so we just have to figure it out for ourselves. But sometimes that is overwhelming. Anyway I hope you can stop as I hope I can also stop, because I think that as long as you have no intention to stop things will not improve and there are so many things in life that are good and happy, and somehow I need to get out of this situation, because right now I feel like a caged animal.I am thinking of doing my English speech on self-injury to raise awareness. Does anyone think that is a good idea or is it bad??? I kind of like public speaking and I know that no one would be rude about it but still. It is my grade 12 english class so people can tend to be pretty immature but my teacher is also my psychology teacher so that helps. Anyway just like you to know that you are not alone. Love, Julie

Re: just curious...SPEECHES
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 22:51:09 2001 (#5502)

sounds very familiar...somehow i am jumping between trying to understand and trying to stop...i dont really want to do either. go for it with the speech...the more people that UNDERSTAND or try to the better. Good Luck

speech
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 23:16:06 2001 (#5507)

Julie,

The speech sounds like a great idea to me. People are afraid of what they don't know about. They tend to avoid it and pretend it doesn't exist at all. Raising awareness is such a great idea. You may even find more people in your class who SI - who knows. Anyway, major kudos for having the strength to get up in front of the class and talk about something so personal. I know you'll do a great job. Good luck and God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: just curious...SPEECHES
Posted by simon on Sat Apr 7 02:26:16 2001 (#5524)

last year i read an article on why people self harm, and personally i think it was jack shit, as, according to it, we all self harm as we're unsure of our sexuality, apparently we're all a bunch of repressed gay men and lesbians. so come on guys, altogether, "we're here, we're queer, we've got razorblades..." i think it just goes to show that professionals have got no idea why people self harm,there may be elements of truth in all reports, but only elements.something i have found out after 14 years of seeing psychiatrists etc...,is they really don't like it when they can't pigeon-hole you, put you into a category, and take appropiate action. as is obvious on this board, people self harm for multitudes of reasons, which does make it difficult to "treat". my doctor now, along with my psy'trist, have given up on the "lets cure him" trip they were on, and i've been told just to stay alert, be sensible, which i agree with. if things go a bit far, i WILL go to the A&E dept.,and i will keep them informed(the doc) as to when/where/why i self harm, i think its the best option.

Re: just curious...
Posted by Nicke on Sat Apr 7 14:17:41 2001 (#5555)

True friends except you as you are. You are a whole person not something that your friends can chip away pieces of because they can except that it comes as part of a package.

You have to start thinking about yourself and consentrate on getting better. If and when you feel ready to stop cutting then you do so. But don't do it because of the wrong reasons otherwise it won't last long.

If your friends can't except you as you are then I truly believe that weren't much of a friend in the first place.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

HELL IN THE shower
Posted by L on Fri Apr 6 22:59:20 2001 (#5505)

showers are hell. i just thought i'd share that. it's my pet peeve of the day. i couldn't even stay in this morning becuase it make my legs, stomach, and arms sting so bad. i felt so stupid becuase it was too painful to stay in so i had to jump in and out. haha. stupid post

Re: HELL IN THE shower
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 23:18:48 2001 (#5509)

I used to do most of my cutting in the shower. So, on bad days I would look forward to them (either that or cut out of the shower). But, when I started to think about quitting, I used to hate going into the shower because there is so much temptation - with the razors right there. Anyway, that's my shower experience. I hope your legs, stomach, and arms are okay. Please be well and happy.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: HELL IN THE shower
Posted by Alana on Sat Apr 7 00:13:29 2001 (#5518)

I'm the same way when I have cuts. Showers are torture...and baths.

Re: HELL IN THE shower
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 02:31:23 2001 (#5526)

I here ya, When I take baths it kills.

remeber...
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 05:46:07 2001 (#5537)

do you remeber colin's post about his dreadful night in the bath tub? ever since then i have been too scared to actually take a real bath. i think the idea of sitting in bloody water both scares and intruiges me. im fucked up, huh? now i just stay away from baths heehee.

HELL in the bathroom
Posted by Jue on Fri Apr 6 23:16:18 2001 (#5508)

I had a bath yesterday thinking it would make me feel better and I ended up cutting myself. I got out and was bleeding pretty bad and before i grapped something to soak up the blood it dripped all over the white carpet bathmat. So i had to spend like an hour scrubbing it out. Turns out that my mom guessed i was cutting in there anyway and had a big talk about sending me to a new therapist. WHAT A DISASTER!!!!! i was also late meeting some friends because it took me soooo long.

Re: HELL in the bathroom
Posted by Doris on Fri Apr 6 23:20:46 2001 (#5510)

Don't think I'm taking your mom's side, but I think you should seriously consider fidning a new therapist - there ARE some great ones out there. Just my two cents.

Re: HELL in the bathroom
Posted by Angel on Fri Apr 6 23:37:15 2001 (#5511)

Therapists.....hmmm. memories.. i hope u find a decent one, sometimes they r cool cos u open up to them and they sit there and just listen to u instead of staring at u like some kind of freak. But some seem to care about the cash they are getting then u. just my bad experience, but dont let this put u off seeing one! u never get anywhere unless u try. I still cut though but it seems more meaningful, and I know that there is one person who will listen to my voice. Angel xx

Re: HELL in the bathroom
Posted by kim on Fri Apr 6 23:44:29 2001 (#5513)

I totally agree with you angel. I look forward to going to my therapist. I totally trust her and we talk about everything that is going on whether or not it has anything to do with why I am in therapy. She truly cares about me, and thats something that I really need in my life. I still cut, and my therapist is okay with that because she understands why I do it, eventhough its not the best way to handle my depression. I'm working on writing instead of cutting, but someitmes i dont have a clue how to write down my feelings, so i grab something to cut with.

Re: HELL in the bathroom
Posted by Angel on Sat Apr 7 00:17:29 2001 (#5520)

my legs r like a journal! but thats my choice. thanx for the comment kim i try and help, it makes me feel good. Angel

Re: HELL in the bathroom
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 00:47:50 2001 (#5521)

I like my therapist too - but sometimes I feel like I can't share certain things with her... oh well. Anyway, I just wanted to say good for you, Kim. It was writing that stopped my from cutting almost four months ago. I just hope you keep it up. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: HELL in the bathroom- question
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 03:42:02 2001 (#5529)

my therapist has "reserved the right" to tell my parents if i cut if he thinks they should know. does anyone elses do this? is it just becuase i am under 18? it really pisses me off b/c i want to tell him so he can help but it would be worse if my parents found out i was still cutting.

Re: HELL in the bathroom- question
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 05:27:51 2001 (#5533)

IT might be but you still have a right to privacy I don't think she is supposed to do that. If you are suicidal or a threat to someone else then they usually take action. But this is not the case. i've been going to a therapist since I was 14 and she always protected my right to privacy. I hoped this helped.

nationality
Posted by LOST on Sat Apr 7 00:02:59 2001 (#5515)

whats everyones nationality/race? i'm just wondering because i HEARD that SI is mostly amoung caucasians... and i've also never heard of a black person doing it either... and very few hispanics. Oh god, don't EVEN think i'm racist either... i'm just being curious... as for me, i'm 1/2 puerto rican and 1/2 ecuadorian but i look BEYOND white... so most people consider me white. anyway, yeah, i'm just curious to know what everyone is. so r u gonna tell me or what?? :) come on come on... go down to the bottom and start filling in that info :)thanks. peace outties

Re: nationality
Posted by Angel on Sat Apr 7 00:12:31 2001 (#5517)

there is a picture of a black person with cuts in the gallery actually. i'm 1/2 scottish, 1/2 english and 1/2 welsh ooh wait that doesnt work out, errr yeah i mean 1/3, maths isnt my strong point. Angel xx

Re: nationality
Posted by ALana on Sat Apr 7 00:17:25 2001 (#5519)

100% IRISH! Ya baby!

Re: nationality
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 00:52:57 2001 (#5522)

half American, half Belgian

Re: nationality
Posted by simon on Sat Apr 7 02:08:54 2001 (#5523)

1/2 irish, 1/4 english, 1/4 spanish, a real mongrel of society!

Re: nationality
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 02:28:56 2001 (#5525)

I'm white but 1/2 Greek, 1/2 English. IF that makes sense. My Blanket is from Ecuadore. I love it its so comfortable.

Re: nationality
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 03:46:21 2001 (#5530)

1/2 Greek half somethin else and AMERICAN TO THE CORE! (white is how i look i am so pale)

Re: nationality
Posted by bluehaze on Sat Apr 7 03:03:36 2001 (#5528)

Born in Uk, both parents Polish. First language Polish.

Re: nationality
Posted by ** on Sat Apr 7 11:34:22 2001 (#5553)

i'm belgian

Re: nationality
Posted by Nicke on Sat Apr 7 14:25:41 2001 (#5556)

I was born in Scotland but have 2 english parents so I am not sure what that makes me.

Re: nationality
Posted by Maggie on Sat Apr 7 14:39:43 2001 (#5557)

I'm a New Zealander but racially a Eurasian.

1/2 Swiss, 1/4 Malay (Asian) and the rest is Portuguese, Irish, Dutch, and Spanish.

What a mongrel?

Re: nationality
Posted by poc on Fri Apr 13 05:38:08 2001 (#5934)

not a self-injurer but in the mental health field exploring...(hope ya don't mind). i work at a children and adolescent psychiatric hospital and we've had all types of self-injurers....white, black, hispanic, puerto rican, mexican, middle eastern, etc.

Tanning
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 02:33:20 2001 (#5527)

I have a question. I'm going tanning for my sister's wedding just to get a little color. I tan pretty well but what will happen to my scars? I have scars on both my upper thighs.I've stopped cutting but the scars won't go away.

Re: Tanning
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 03:48:14 2001 (#5531)

WEAR SUNSCREEN ON SCARS OR THEY GET FUCKED UP AND LAST FOR EVER!!! TRUST ME I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE! THEY GET ALL DARK AND FUNKY AND IF THEY ARE STILL KINDA NEW THEY STAY REALLY RED A LONG TIME

Re: Tanning
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 05:21:02 2001 (#5532)

Thanks, but they get mad if you wear sunscreen in the beds. But I will any way they can kiss my ass. Love Ya!

Re: Tanning
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 05:33:38 2001 (#5534)

you dont have to wear it everywhere, just be careful with scars that are less than a year old. i am so jealous - i am dying to get a good tan!

Re: Tanning
Posted by simon on Sun Apr 8 17:09:35 2001 (#5601)

in my experience, old scars tend to show up very white, as mine don't seem to tan at all, and i look like a zebra! fresh scars tend to go really red, and look worse than what they actually are.

more pet peeves. i am in a complaining mood.
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 05:38:16 2001 (#5535)

it really is bugging me that the more cuts and scars i get the more i feel like there are not enough. like i have hundreds and hundreds of cuts and i still just see the empty spots in between that need to be cut. owell. also i am really ticked off now that my therapist is not respecting my right to privacy. that other post made me really mad. how is he supposed to be helping me if i can't trust him? oh, it just makes me MAD. does anyone know the laws in the US about what right to privacy underage people have? is he allowed to tell my parents anything i tell him if it has nothing to do with hurting others?

Re: more pet peeves. i am in a complaining mood.
Posted by cate on Sun Apr 8 03:25:37 2001 (#5574)

yah he can tell them anything about you hurting someone else, or yourself, so don't tell him what you don't want your parents to know *hugs* Cate

healing
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 05:40:39 2001 (#5536)

i was just wondering if anyone knows anything that helps heal cuts faster. like the deep ones when the sides dont touch, i hate those and after they dry up the tape no longer holds them together.

Re: healing
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 06:26:05 2001 (#5540)

Neosporin really helped my cuts, but I never had any really deep ones, so I dunno about those.

another post becuase i am EXTREMELY bored
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 05:49:21 2001 (#5538)

has anyone ever told a friend face to face about cutting? i have only done it over email or in letters. there is one friend i want to tell but i have no idea how to tell her...like what to actually say. "I cut myself" just sounds so stupid in my head and i know it would be even worse coming out of my mouth.

Re: another post becuase i am EXTREMELY bored
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 06:24:43 2001 (#5539)

I told my friend in a really f*cked up way. I showed him my cuts and said "If I told you I scraped myself by accident would you believe me?" And he said "Yes." And I said, "Well, that's not what happened." And he figured it out from there. I think he actually did ask me "Did you do this to yourself?" And I said "Yes." I know that's really messed up but I thought it was easier than to say "I cut myself." Anyway, just my two cents. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

PS - Try to keep from being bored - that's really dangerous for people who SI, I'm sure you know. Just please keep busy! :)

Re: another post becuase i am EXTREMELY bored
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 06:51:14 2001 (#5542)

i keep posting becuase right now i really want to cut but i am feeling so down i know it would be really bad and i am too lazy to go through all of it. the friend i want to tell really probably has no idea. i dont think i could show her my cuts. to me they are really personal. i have only showed two people: my two therapists. I dont think i could show my friend. Areas where i cut are pretty bad right now too and it makes me just sick to look at them i cant imagine what others would think. my legs are almost solid red from ankles to thinghs on the fronts. owell i have just been trying to figure out how to actually form the words in a way that would not freak her out or sound silly and stupid. It really doesnt make much sense if i just am like i cut myself, right? becuase she would be well like thats stupid, just dont do it.

isnt the mind supposed to be more powerful than the body?

this is getting lengthy.....c ya guys.

Re: another post becuase i am EXTREMELY bored
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 07:37:59 2001 (#5549)

I don't think just coming out and saying "I cut myself" will sound stupid. Sometimes there's no beating around the bush. And I think your friend will appreciate your honesty and strength and will hopefully be compassionate and understanding. All I can say is make sure it's the right time, of course. I'm sure it will end up in a lengthy conversation between you two, so prepare to explain yourself and your feelings. I don't know, that's the only advice I can give you. Good luck and God speed. I'll be praying for your friend's understanding.

Love and strength,

Doris

PS - Please keep posting if you really want to cut. Post anything... just post! Please stay strong!

Re: another post becuase i am EXTREMELY bored
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 18:02:46 2001 (#5561)

Yes, I told my best friend who I have known since we were 2. It takes a certain amount of trust to tell people though. I know how backstabbing girls can be. Not any of you.

how do we stop cutting?
Posted by necrosis on Sat Apr 7 06:45:26 2001 (#5541)

self harm is immaterial to me now. I pretty much want to die. I fucked up real bad recently & need to maintain some sort of peace with my parents. They have no idea how close I am to suicide & anyone that knows me will vouch for that.

Sorry I posted on this board, but I really want to know, how do we stop cutting?. I can't stop - it's a morbid yet pleasurable addiction. Does anybody out there have some very logical & specific methods to passify my destructive urges? please reply. Close to suicide

don't want to die, but know I pretty much do. Got so damn close last time I cut & wanting so bad to do it again - but worse.

How do I STOP needing to mutilate myself for gods sake?!!!!!!1

Re: how do we stop cutting?
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 06:56:50 2001 (#5543)

i wish i could help. i dont think there is any easy way. definitly an addiction.

why can my mind not control my body? is my mind that fucked up?

just remember how sad everyone here would be without you. every single person here is a beautiful person capable of deep emotion. i hope you can find help. please hang in there.

Re: how do we stop cutting?
Posted by razor on Wed Apr 11 19:40:43 2001 (#5734)

You can't stop cutting, for a time period you may think that you'll be alright, but you ain't. I know I'm a cutter myself.To me it aint about an addiction, it's about watching my blood leak out of my arm, and knowing that I'm in control of whether or not I die. Think about that, you say you want to die......... then release yourself my friend......

Re: how do we stop cutting?
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 07:26:19 2001 (#5546)

I know I've posted this tons of times, but it's the way I stopped. I started writing. At first, I wrote and cut and I was dually pleasured. After a week or so, I stopped cutting and stuck to writing. I would write poetry about wanting to die and end the joke that was my life. I would write in my journal about how much I hated my life and wanted to end it all. Oddly, this was enough for me. I could write that I wanted to cut so badly, but I never did. It's worked for four months now. I still write poetry - no longer about wanting to die (but sometimes about wanting to cut again). Writing my emotions (and not just feeling them) put them into perspective for me. Maybe it will work for you. Some other methods I have heard are exercising, drawing, playing music - anything to keep you busy and to release your anger or sadness another way (I have a punching bag that helps). Please try something, necrosis. I love you and I don't want you to die. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: how do we stop cutting?
Posted by necrosis on Sat Apr 7 18:33:24 2001 (#5563)

right, I'm bloody annoyed with me writing that while pissed last night. Currently I'm not even that depressed so I feel a total fraud typing that, yet at times like last night it's very painful to live.

Thanks for the response, it's just I can't cut now because I can't hurt my parents or girlfriend again. At least cutting was a release. Feel like I have none at the mo.

anyway, sorry if that worried you. I'm quite sure I'll stick around OK - have to talk weird for a while longer yet. Too many unfortunate souls to bemuse into bags.

stay, er...here

love & bread

xxx

analogy
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 06:57:57 2001 (#5545)

have you ever noticed what goes up must come down.....but never what goes down must come up so where is hope for life?

HELL
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 07:30:56 2001 (#5548)

This is a poem I wrote when I wanted to die one night... just something to think about.

HELL

In the darkness I cry. I wish you were there to watch me die. How I longed for your presence. I bow my head in silence.

The world is much better now. It’s hard to pinpoint how. No one is listening to me. No one has to be.

I am forgotten and I am gone. Not it’s up to Him to lead me home. I have left the earth for a better place. Where I go now is up to His Grace.

Hell is where I remain. I could never imagine this much pain. I hurt a million times more than I did up there. But here there is not a soul to care.

How did I get here? Please God make it clear. I must have cut too deep that night. I must have thought I was right.

I was so wrong; I thought they’d be better off. No matter how much they cry it’s never enough. I thought my funeral would be family alone. But there they stood – everyone I’d ever known.

I thought death would make the pain go away. But in agony will I eternally stay. How could I be so wrong? I should have known I was strong.

I left to relieve them of me. But all I see are tears and agony. Everyone is sad now, everyone in pain. Yet this situation will always remain.

I cannot take back my action. Not even a fraction. It is done; it is over. But now we all suffer.

I shouldn’t be here. There is far too much to fear. Death made it so much worse. Somebody call back the hearse.

I long to return to my old life. Somebody take away my knife. I want to live the rest of my hours. Somebody cancel the flowers.

I want to see the sun; I want to see the mud. Somebody mop up all the blood. I want to see a smile on my face. Somebody put me back in my place.

There is no possibility of return. No matter how much I yearn. There is nowhere to run. What’s done is done.

I was wrong – that I can clearly see. I just never imagined this would happen to me. I am dead. And God rejected me just like He said.

I didn’t know what was going on. I should have listened to my friends all along. They said they would miss me. I just never thought it could be.

Everything is horrible now that I’ve gone. Who’d have thought I could be so wrong? I now see all my mistakes. There is no chance for re-takes.

I was selfish; I was stupid. I only wish I knew it. Now there is nowhere to run. What’s done is done.

Re: HELL
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 16:45:54 2001 (#5558)

i love your poem, it made me cry, thanks for sharing it

Re: HELL
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 20:28:06 2001 (#5564)

Thank you, that means a lot to me.

Re: HELL
Posted by Jess on Sun Apr 8 13:26:01 2001 (#5584)

It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand tall nd upright.Also it made me think about a lot.I'll remember that nxt time i get down

Re: HELL
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 9 08:10:32 2001 (#5613)

Wow, you have no idea how much that means to me. I never really thought my poetry would have an effect on anyone. Thank you.

Another messege fron Suzie.
Posted by Strider on Sat Apr 7 08:11:17 2001 (#5550)

Well, now Suzie's parents have taken away her IM servecis as well. She can still e-mail, but she doesnt know if even that she'll be able to keep up. Her parent's watch her like a hawk, and her sister calls her a freak. She's feeling very bad right now, so please show her some support and e-mail her, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Another messege fron Suzie.
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 08:27:44 2001 (#5551)

Thank you, Colin.

Colin
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 08:36:29 2001 (#5552)

Colin,

I would love it if you posted and told us all how you're doing. I know I'm not the only one who misses you. Hope to hear from you soon. God bless.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Another messege fron Suzie.
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 16:49:18 2001 (#5559)

oh God, i am praying for suzie. i wish there was some way i could help her.

parents and families............

I'm back but not sure where.
Posted by Nicke on Sat Apr 7 14:07:21 2001 (#5554)

Sry that I haven't been to the board for a while. I was away on a sailing trip and when I got back I had to travel to London for a meeting.

I look at the board and it has completely changed beyond recognition. Not by anything other than all the old names have gone and the new faces have arrived.

I don't know if this board has a place here for me now but I will continue reading the posts and if I feel that I can offer any other words of advice or comfort not already offered then I will.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: I'm back but not sure where.
Posted by L on Sat Apr 7 16:53:32 2001 (#5560)

i know i havent been posting a lot until recently but i have been reading everyone elses for quite a while (maybe trying to figure out how i fit in) and you are a strong presence here. please dont feel unwelcome by my presence.

Re: I'm back but not sure where.
Posted by Linda on Sat Apr 7 21:01:41 2001 (#5566)

How I understand what you mean, Nicke! I was on this board for almost 9 months. I left for a little over a month and when I came back, I hardly knew anyone. Soooooo let me take this opportunity to reintroduce myself. I put this in an answer to Doris, I believe, but just so you all know, I do not cut. I came for understanding and I have received so much from you all. I am a very strong Christian and I know that there are those of you that are really annoyed at religious posts. I HATE to annoy but I honestly believe that if there is one here that can be turned toward the answer to all problems through my posts, then I owe it to them to continue to post when I feel led. I will tell you that I have seen at least one sweet little girl come to know the Savior of her soul. She is doing very well and her life has been completely turned around. If you are irritated by them, please do not think that I am trying to stir trouble....I am trying to do the very opposite.....THAT TRUTH WILL NEVER CHANGE. God has given me a special love for each of you but if that love is not returned, I feel I must not take it personally. Welcome back, Nicke. I'm glad to meet you.

Re: I'm back but not sure where.
Posted by Doris on Sat Apr 7 21:47:58 2001 (#5567)

Please don't go anywhere, Nicke. You are a very strong person on this board and this board needs strong people. I'm not saying you have to respond to every post, just please don't leave. We'd miss you too much. :) Hope you had fun on your trip.

Love and strength,

Doris

Blondes
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 18:05:26 2001 (#5562)

Does any one else feel that blondes get more attention than brunettes. I feel like guys like blondes more. I feel inferior around blonde girls. Am I crazy? Sorry if there are any blondes on here but you so the type of girls I am talking about the bubbley annoying types.

Re: Blondes
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 02:11:39 2001 (#5571)

i have been a blond and a brunette. right now im in between. i dont think i had more fun as either type. haha

Mabey a guy's opinion might help here
Posted by Strider on Sun Apr 8 09:39:45 2001 (#5578)

Yes, I do still visit the board every now and then, it's just that I've cut back on the internet time ALOT. Anyhow, Kate, it's true. The lowest guys out there (i.e. the sleaze ones that care nothing about character) do pay more attention to blondes. I have no clue why, but it's true. As someone that isn't very superficcial (I say "isn't very", because we're all superficial to some degree), hair colour has nothing to do with it... well it does, but not in the way you might think. With me, as long as everything matches, like, if the way you look (like hair colour and length, etc.) matches your personality, then that's beautiful. So, in the future, you find that some guy isn't paying any attention to you just because of your hair colour, well, you are MUCH better off without him! Oh, and I apologize on behalf of my gender for us guys being such jerks all the time.

love and prayers, Colin

grrrrls opinions count TOO!
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Apr 8 12:20:38 2001 (#5582)

i think any guy who would only go out with blondes is just a sad media obsessed wanker, i mean, how narrow minded is that???? you have no reason ever to feel inferior to anyone! it's what's inside that counts, any guy who can't see past a girls hair colour is pathetic and not worth your time, like you would want anyone like that anyway, find someone who loves you for what you are... love and poetry sheer poetry xxxxxx

Re: grrrrls opinions count TOO!
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 16:03:58 2001 (#5593)

i agree

lol
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 13 19:55:55 2001 (#5964)

sorry, but you remind me of how I get sometimes. It would be funny to see you argue with some of the ppl at my school (trust me when I say that they are all sad media obsessed wankers), where superficial seems to be mandatory (almost a class, I would say). I get in a lot of trouble for saying stuff when I am angry at ppl. Actually, my psychiatrist wrote in his assessment of me (I got a copy of it) that I seemed overly angry with society and its degenerating moral code, and the commercialization of the world. That was after I called him a commercialized wanna be hippy bastard. He didn't appreciate it.

Re: Blondes
Posted by Linda on Sun Apr 8 15:13:05 2001 (#5589)

I agree with the rest. Hair color is one of the most insignificant things in life! Someday it will either all turn gray or drop out so why put emphasis on something so fleeting. I do believe that our culture is motivated by a lot of television and Hollywood which preach a very superficial existence. Please don't fall for it. I believe that the people that have the most fun are those that have their lifes grounded on something that stabilizes them and gives them a confindence that can't help but shine through. (Of course, you all know that I think the relationship with Jesus is the only lasting stabilization!)

Re: Blondes
Posted by Nicke on Sun Apr 8 15:42:22 2001 (#5591)

Hey I am a natural blonde but I died my hair red about 1 year ago. (it just makes me look like Dana Scully from the X files now.) I wouldn't say I got more attention being a blonde but then all the attention I get now is because I am a looky likey.

Nicke. XXXX

P.S. Kate I always imagined you to be a beautiful person.

Re: Blondes
Posted by Kate on Sun Apr 8 16:16:27 2001 (#5596)

Thankyou!

blonde turned red-head
Posted by lys on Fri Apr 13 19:49:29 2001 (#5963)

well, I am blonde naturally (really blonde in the summer), but I started to die my hair with henna last june. I think that I get the same amount of attn from guys with my hair (it is long and the dye looks very natural), but more women notice it as nice hair, and I get a lot of compliments on it. I think that bleach blondes have the reputation of being 'easy', hence the more attention. take care lyssie

Ozzfest
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 20:49:42 2001 (#5565)

Is anyone going to Ozzfest. We are in Pittsburgh. If anyone is going, does anyone know if Kittie is going to play. I am a huge Kittie fan. I think they are big in the UK.

Re: Ozzfest
Posted by LOST on Sat Apr 7 22:13:00 2001 (#5568)

no, i don't think they're going this year. they were there last year... i might go. all of my friends are going, and i just have to get over my lil fear of being around A LOT of people so i can go... but i don't think so

Re: Ozzfest
Posted by Kate on Sat Apr 7 22:18:29 2001 (#5569)

That sucks. I love them. Have you ever seen them?

Re: Ozzfest..Kate
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 8 06:02:02 2001 (#5576)

Finally another Kittie fan!

Re: Ozzfest..Kate
Posted by Kate on Mon Apr 9 01:23:07 2001 (#5608)

Have you ever seen them? I wonder what they are like. I heard they are anti Brittany Spears which I like. How old are they? I'm 22 and I feel kind of silly liking a group younger than me.

Re: Ozzfest..Kate
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 9 19:56:52 2001 (#5624)

they are about 16 and 17! Yah, I saw them last year when they came to Toronto. It was F*ckin amazing! They put on a good show! Alright, well have fun!

i was NEVER this stupid** well i have been but..**
Posted by Falling Hawk on Sat Apr 7 22:45:21 2001 (#5570)

Hey, i havent been here fro a while. heh i bet you dont really care, but the other board i go to is getting to..**depressing** to many people are killing themselves. any right to the point. 2 weeks ago i was at school, everyone was bitching at me. i couldent take it. but i wasnt about to do anything. but when my stupid teacher singled me out as being a freak it drove me to the top! i took a peice of glass that was in my project and slit my wrist right then and there. right in front of everyone. i cant believe how stupid i was. just **slice** i went to my councler the next day and i told her i took like 15 pills on saturday, she told my dad if i ever do it again i'll have to go to a mental hospital again. and that is making me cut more and more but it is also tempting. **to make myself cut again** right now all i need is some advice. what do i do, why do i do it, why am i so scared, why do i feel this way. can ANYONE anwser me???

~~~Shad~~~

Re: i was NEVER this stupid** well i have been but
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 02:20:56 2001 (#5572)

wow

i really wish there was something i could say to help...but i dont know. words fail me. it seems as if you are stuck in a terrible cycle and you need to get out of it. dont ask me how, i am stuck in one two. my prayers for you. hang in there.

Re: i was NEVER this stupid** well i have been but
Posted by Angel on Sun Apr 8 11:14:05 2001 (#5580)

I have always wanted to cut in front of people, i dont know why its just some urge i get. I find what u did very brave to be honest. I know, i'm strange but that doesnt matter. Noone should ever put u down for the way u r. They r the weak ones, the ones who cant handle the truth. Angel xx

--------
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 02:23:50 2001 (#5573)

my mother knows i cut becuase a therapist told her but she has only seen healed scars on my lower arms...now she is constantly buggin me to see my cuts. it drives me nuts. she just cant understand they are personal and i dont want to share them with her.

Re: --------
Posted by Angel on Sun Apr 8 11:20:18 2001 (#5581)

Your mum only cares about u and wants to make sure u aren't going to die on her or something. Well thats, what I think but I may be wrong. Everyone reacts differently to different things. Angel xx

Lonely
Posted by Wendy on Sun Apr 8 06:29:31 2001 (#5577)

No one I know understands why I have to cut. How can they? When I can't even understand it. All I know is that wonderful feeling of relief as the blood runs down my arms or legs. All the pent up frustration rushing out in a bright red flood. Then that horrible feeling of shame when I wake up and the realisation of what I've done stares me in the face by way of ugly scars and that stinging pain when I'm in the shower. I want to stop but the doctors around here have no idea about how to help me.

Re: Lonely
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 16:10:07 2001 (#5594)

these words could have come straight out of me. i feel exactly the same...it all makes me so confused. the more i try to think about cutting and understand it, the less i understand and the more i want to cut the more i feel guilty and want to cut.....ahh, im crazy, dont mind me.

Re: Lonely
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 8 21:51:41 2001 (#5607)

I know what it's like to get no help from the doctors. If you want to stop, you can. I quit four months ago - all on my own. One day I just decided - made a pact with myself. Then, the days just added up. I think about it from time to time, but never do anything. There is so much more to do to deal with your problems. Sometimes I think "I'll just cut once and never again." But I KNOW that I would hate myself afterward and end up punishing myself (cutting) again. I can't start that again. I know how you feel, and it's hard. But you can do it. Please be strong. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

*too many tears for a title*
Posted by Strider on Sun Apr 8 10:21:52 2001 (#5579)

Someone told me to post here and say how things are going with me. Well......

GREAT! I haven't cut in 3 weeks (much better than every day, and especially better than the "blood baths" I had started to do!) Thank you Jesus! I know that my, shall we say, "adamant" views and God and salvatiion and everything gets on some people's nerves, and I would like to thank all of you for putting up with me. I truly do believe that Jesus is the only way to salvation, life, and everything. I also truly believe that Jesus led me to this board for a reason, and everyone I have talked to (yes, EVERYONE) has helped me sooooooo much. I don't really come to the board often because it's not my place anymore. I really do think that I'm done with cutting now. Well, that is, as long as I keep looking to Jesus. Heh, there's that God reference coming out again!

You know, I truly would love to stay here at this board and just try to help the people that come and go, and if that's all God wanted me to do, I would. But as is, I have to move on. Not from the people, I will never move on from ANY of you, but from the board. I really am going to miss this place. I've been to a few other boards out there, and never have I seen from them, the love that I feel flows from this place. I will keep in contact as best as possible as I go on, it'll be harder when I join the army, but I will try. My e-mail adress is there (I'm on the MNS Instant Messanger), and my AOL IM name is UndeadLine, so write or IM me whenever, OK? If I ever do need the support community that I did before, I will come here.

Words cannot describe how I'm feeling as I write this. It's the way I felt when my parents divorced and I moved away with my Dad. It's the way I felt when I moved out from my house last year. It's a feeling that hurts and makes me cry, but I know that it's the right thing to do. I love you all. Everyone that I have encountered in my time here, that have come and gone, through all the fights and controversies and everything....I love you all. And to those that come later, that I didn't get a chance to meet, all I have to say is that you have come to the right place.

This won't be the last time I post here, but it is ONE of the last times. And now, for one of the last times....

love and prayers, Colin

Re: *too many tears for a title*
Posted by Linda on Sun Apr 8 15:01:37 2001 (#5588)

((((((((((((((((((((((Colin))) )))))))))))))))))))))))) Bless you, my sweet brother! Never forget that "ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Re: *too many tears for a title*
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 16:15:34 2001 (#5595)

Colin, i only wish i had had the chance to get to know you....i have read a lot of your old posts and i feel as if you know me even though you have no clue who i am. you are truly one of the most amazing people i have ever encountered. good luck with life, the army, and all that may come. stay strong!

Re: *too many tears for a title*
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 8 16:50:07 2001 (#5600)

I really miss you! Please don't ever forget about me! You mean so much to me, and whatever I do and wherever I go, you know I'll always love you. I can't help it! So don't forget about anything we've experienced, ok? I know you'll be ok, because you have the strength to be with Jesus. Talk to you soon. Love you forever, Alana

Re: *too many tears for a title*
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 8 21:12:10 2001 (#5603)

Colin,

Words can't describe how much I'm going to miss you. You've been such a strong presence here. I've used the word "angel" about you before and I'm going to do it again. You're the angel of this board. Your strength and courage inspires us all. Thank you for every word you posted here. I know none of us will ever forget you, no matter how far you may travel. God speed, Colin. And God bless.

Love and strength,

Doris

**
Posted by ** on Sun Apr 8 13:15:06 2001 (#5583)

i'm trying to stop cutting but if i do that i will drink more.maybe drinking is better than cutting, i dunno.

I just can handle my feelings anymore (well actually I never have been able to handle them). I always thought that I would never love somebody but now I do and I can't handle that.and I am so lazy, everyone has hobbies and goals in their lives but when I start with something i quit with it.

I don't wanna die but I don't wanna think anymore, thats why I'm going to drink more and more until my brain is so damaged that i cant think anymore... I hope that that day will come soon

Re: **
Posted by Jess on Sun Apr 8 13:43:47 2001 (#5585)

drinking will make it worse.You will totally lose yourself and become a different,bad person.I live with an ex alcholic (stepdad).It really ruined him.Not just mentally but also physically.His teeth are rotten.He's had so many infections cos of them.Thats cos of drink.He doesnt know what its done to his insides.He's too scared to find out.Mentally,he lost a whole big part of his life.Depression nearly killed him.Now he's fine.He pulled himself through loads of s**t. Theres other ways of coping.Even if its still SI.drink is a bad road.Find another one to suit you better. *hugs nd kisses*

Jess

Re: **
Posted by Sleep on Sun Apr 8 14:00:01 2001 (#5586)

you're gonna be ok,honey, you just gotta hang in there, i know how your feeling. its not a good idea to drink, i done heroin so i know how adictive a substance can become (even more so than cutting)maybe you should discuss your feelings with someone for a better insight on them.you do have a goal in your life as you're trying to stop cutting and you've got someone to love and although this can be frightning its worth it in the end. love Sleep

Re: **
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 16:22:26 2001 (#5597)

if you truly want to stop cutting u can. please dont resort to drinking. i know how hard it is to think and confront your thoughts...it is easier to cut and drink. if you decided to stop you need to confront all emotions behind cutting and that will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do...something i am still working on. good luck. hang in there. post here when you feel like drinking/cutting i am here for anything you want to say...

Re: **
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 8 21:48:39 2001 (#5606)

I have no experience of knowledge about excessive drinking, but I can tell you about quitting SI. If you want to, you can. It's hard, I'm not going to tell you different. It's been almost four months and I still think about it from time to time. But it is so worth it. I am such a better person now for it. I'm not saying that anyone who SIs is not a good person, I'm just saying that I wasn't. And now I feel like I've been reborn (and I have, I became a Christian as well). Please have the strength to stop yourself. It's hard, but it's worth it. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

opinions
Posted by Jess on Sun Apr 8 14:15:25 2001 (#5587)

i was reading through past posts.about why some SI.things like,abuse,trauma,self image,not havin a gud relationship with ureself came up.I'd just like to know as a whole what everyone thinks please.thankyou.xx Jess

Re: opinions
Posted by Angel on Sun Apr 8 15:19:14 2001 (#5590)

For me it has to be stress, the release of tension, and the relaxation i get from cutting I can't seem to get by any other means, even drugs. i dont know what makes me stressed, even the smallest amount of anger can build up into something frightening. Angel xx

Re: opinions
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 16:29:16 2001 (#5598)

i feel the roots are in stress and pressure for me too....i have never been abused and most of my relationships with others are realitivly stable. i do feel that cutting also has to do with the relationship you have with yourself. and this is different from self-image. i feel that i have a good self-image, maybe it just isnt the image that others have of me. i am not good at dealing with having to present a perfect image and cutting is an aspect of imperfection and just thinking about that makes me want to cut because i feel bad about cutting. owell. this is such a complex thought. i dont understand where i was going with it anymore. cutting is not something that is easy to analyze and it is such a unique thing that it pisses me off when i find articles that generalize like "people cut becuase...." everyone cuts for thier own reasons.

Re: opinions
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 8 21:42:22 2001 (#5604)

I used to cut because of self-hate. I would punish myself for not being a better person. I was convinced that I was a selfish, horrible person... so I punished myself. And then when I cut, I used to feel like I was an even worse person so I would punish myself for cutting. Vicious cycle. Anyway, that's my two cents.

Love and strength,

Doris

Admitting self harm
Posted by Gore Girl on Sun Apr 8 16:02:51 2001 (#5592)

I've just "come out" to someone I really care about that i have self harmed for many years. I hide it well, no one knows cos I always wear clothes that cover me well. The look on his face said it all, it's like I'm a freak or a monster to him now.

Re: Admitting self harm
Posted by L on Sun Apr 8 16:32:37 2001 (#5599)

i hate that look. i had to tell a counselor at school becuase my therapist wanted her informed...and at school everyone sees me as such a good student and the perfect girl....and when i told her she looked at me like i was the most fucked-up person in the universe. i am really good at hiding it too and i like to maintain my image that i am stable and have it all together and the look of dissapointment and disgust is just too much for me to handle

Re: Admitting self harm
Posted by Angel on Sun Apr 8 20:58:39 2001 (#5602)

They come round eventually. When i told my friends they all gave me THAT look, i asked them if this changed what they thought about me and they said yes. For the rest of the lesson i sat in silence with a razor sharp knife. They just ignored me. If i had died that day i wouldn't of cared really. But now they r ok they have either forgot about it, or pretended to forget about. I never mention it though. Time heals, just try not to think about it. Angel xx

Re: Admitting self harm
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 8 21:46:03 2001 (#5605)

People are so afraid of what they don't know about. I got that look too. It made me feel like the lowest possible creature on earth. But, your friends will start to deal with it. This sounds stupid, but if they're your true friends then they'll never think you're a 'freak' - they'll stick with you through good times and bad. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Admitting self harm
Posted by L on Mon Apr 9 18:14:34 2001 (#5620)

I have given up on trying to make friends understand. now i just dont talk about it. one friend knows and even if i do try to bring it up she never wants to talk about it at all like she just leaves the room or something. good luck

Re: Admitting self harm
Posted by Gore Girl on Tue Apr 10 23:18:27 2001 (#5678)

Thanx to everyone who gave their thruppenny's worth to my post. Yes, there is still an awful lot of stigma & misunderstanding around even the most basic Mental Health issues, never mind self harm. As for finding so-called true friends out there who will accept you and all that jive- if there were so many of these elusive wonderful people out there, half of us wouldn't be self harming in the first place! In the meantime, we have to make do with whatever human friendship we find, even if it's not perfect. The only people who will accept you 100% are probably people who self-harm themselves..

lonely
Posted by L on Mon Apr 9 05:00:21 2001 (#5609)

i just feel so lonely, i just want to talk to someone. i dont really have anything to say.....owell. i wish i could cut but my mum has locked up everything sharp in our house...*sigh*

here?
Posted by katie on Mon Apr 9 05:26:18 2001 (#5610)

wow, i haven't posted here for months. i wonder if any of the same people are around. hm, i see linda... anyone know anything about laura rose?

anyway. i thought posting here would make things worse, but i honestly can't tell anymore. my boyfriend and i broke up recently, and that was one of the things i thought was making me cut (and it was) but now i am just more aware that i was only blaming it on that. i am still lost. i just have this vague feeling that there are people that do things, and there are people that fall away eventually, and right now is when i will find out which i am. i think the latter. i'm just not ready to see it, yet. i'm not even upset enough to cut or burn... just this latent stagnant violence somewhere, waiting. there are people here and i could talk to them but i cannot make myself believe that anything is important enough.

ok. sorry for ranting, i just thought i would stop by and visit. i may come back again. or not. i cannot decide what is good for me or bad for me and whether i want to be good to myself at all.

take care, katie

Re: here?
Posted by L on Mon Apr 9 07:23:19 2001 (#5611)

hey katie, nice to meet u, hope u come back. good luck with life

for Colin
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 9 07:57:27 2001 (#5612)

I think that before Colin leaves that each one of us on this board should tell him that we love him and that we'll miss him. I miss him already and he hasn't even gone yet.

So, let me start this post and I hope everyone (and I mean, EVERYONE) responds to it, telling Colin that we love him.

Colin,

I love you, my brother. I'm going to miss you so much on this board. Your strength and faith are an inspiration to us all. Thank you for everything. I feel honored to have known you. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: for Colin
Posted by Maggie on Mon Apr 9 13:03:26 2001 (#5615)

Dearest Colin,

You were there for me at some of my lowest times, and I will be eternally grateful for your advice and prayers that helped me come through it.

You are really the 'Angel' of this board, and you deserve happiness and everything good to come your way.

I pray that the Army works out for you, and please don't forget us.

Love your friend forever, Maggie.

Re: for Colin
Posted by L on Mon Apr 9 18:09:42 2001 (#5617)

colin, i love you and you will be in my prayers.

Re: for Colin
Posted by Linda on Tue Apr 10 00:34:13 2001 (#5632)

((((((Colin)))))) You know how I feel about you. I believe you are a gifted young man and I most certainly will be praying for you as you go! Love, Linda

Re: for Colin
Posted by necrosis on Tue Apr 10 02:17:28 2001 (#5639)

well I think he's sort of a great bloke but I ain't about to have a sex change just coz I met him. The board obviously had you as the lynch pin as you helped so many. You deserve special accolade for helping so many. Wish you lots of luck for the future.

Just try to look after your own needs a bit more please

Love sisorcen. (I'm a bit backward)

Re: for Colin
Posted by WeaZLe on Tue Apr 10 20:42:41 2001 (#5672)

yeah....ur cool. im in a ruah, but i love ya 2.

Re: for Colin
Posted by Strider on Tue Apr 10 03:32:44 2001 (#5641)

*crying*

thank you all! I love you and never will forget you!!!!!!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: for Colin...my two cents.
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 10 06:19:14 2001 (#5648)

Colin, I never knew you, but I have the feeling I wish I did. I can't really say goodbye to someone you don't know, but I just want to say take care and I am glad that you seem to have broken a viscious cycle. It gives me hope. I hope everything will turn out to help you and you will learn much more. Don't ever give up. Love someone you probably have never even noticed, Julie

A message from Suzie
Posted by Strider on Mon Apr 9 09:22:12 2001 (#5614)

The only time I'll be posting from now on will be when I have something from Suzie.

Wel, she found out about the mental hospital. Her parents booked her an apointment for a 3 hour session on monday. This really upset her, and she told her parents "well, why don't you just commit me then". In response they said "we wil if we have to". So, not good news on the Suzie side of things. Please keep e-mailing her and letting her know that you all care about her, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: A message from Suzie
Posted by L on Mon Apr 9 18:12:59 2001 (#5619)

I hope things get better for her soon. i hope this program can help her and that she will learn to like it. love+prayers

Re: A message from Suzie
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 9 18:56:16 2001 (#5622)

Well you know what, instead of listening to suzie whine about it, how bout we look at this as a good thing were she could get help. This might not be so awful if she just opened her eyes and realized that taking 14 motrin isn't exactly sane behaviour. Its attention seeking when you don't want to die, and she didn't want to. IF she was looking for attention she should have expected that her parents were going to take action, even if its not what she wanted. It doesn't matter what she wants anymore. What she has to do, and what we all have to do is to stop whining about it, and start taking responsibility for it. Sitting in your room crying about it and getting so involved in conversation with colin about it so that he doesn't even have time to say HI to anyone else, isn't going to get anyone anywhere. I mean Colin, isn't that why you left the board, so you wouldn't have to deal with others problems. Hmmm, and what are you doing now with suzie? "Sorry I'm really involved right now" You always are and always will be.... Anyways, that doesn't really matter anymore. We can't be acting all mad at suzie's parents about this, they are trying aren't they? Yah, I think so, so lets not feel sorry for her anymore, just wish her luck and hope things work out. And if they don't, try again.

im at school, and thanks
Posted by suzie on Mon Apr 9 22:33:56 2001 (#5627)

thanks alana. thats is really helpful. Its really nice. i mean YOUR the one that flipped out on me for even talking to Colin, you got so pissed at me and you even refused to talk to me. Now you're here complaining about me. I have always been there to help people. Always i almost never posted about myself and i tried to help others. and now, when the time comes that i have no one to talk to and i need help, i turn to you guys and i get patronized. you know, it really hurts when one person you though would be there turns away., and your own preist turns away. Im sorry if you view me as whining and as complaining. ok i thought the reason this board is here is to help people. but it dosent happen. people just get yelled at and hurt.

i just really want to thank you, i mean, thank you soo much. time really go better when you have friends like you to push me along

Re: im at school, and thanks
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 10 00:02:26 2001 (#5631)

Well would you look at that. It seems that miss.perfect here, was only making everyone worry and making colin deliver messages for her, because she supposedly couldn't visit the board. Well...thats a load of shit. Only when someone bashes you do you decide that you'll post. Well done suzie, way to contradict yourself there! Anyways, you obviously didn't get the point of my post. It wasn't only directed at you, but to anyone who sees getting help as a "terrible" thing, including myself. Yah I know its scary, but you know what, whats to be scared of really? Whats the worst that could happen...it not work out. So what, you try again, till something does work, or you can deal with it. Taking 14 motrin is not dealing with it, and what did you expect to happen? Your parents ignore it and just leave you be? No. You expected them to do something about it, cuz you can't do it on your own. If I've learnt anything, its that if you not make it such a big deal, after awhile it wont seem like such a big deal. So everyone, stop coming up with excuses. Lets deal with this, before it gets out of hand. So suzie, incase you didn't read the last bit of my post, good luck, I hope it works out.

Re: im at school, and thanks
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 00:49:57 2001 (#5635)

ok suzie, you know i love you but alana does have a point. please dont be mad at me for saying this. i KNOW how hard it is to get help and let people help you and i know what its like to be left alone...but she is right. maybe this can help you...you dont want to spend the rest of your life depressed, at least i know that i dont. taking the motrin was a cry for help. and to let yourself be helped is hard...i hope you can do it though.

apologies, i am very confused
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 14:58:34 2001 (#5659)

i am very sorry, i know how hard this is for you.....my apologies for siding with alana. i did not mean that i agreed with how she said or all of what she said......just the idea that when you are ready you will be able to find that people love you and are trying to help.....please know that things will get better....i love you and am always here for you!!! hang in there!

Re: A message from Suzie
Posted by Strider on Tue Apr 10 03:26:36 2001 (#5640)

Well, I guess I'm a liar, because here I am posting again! First off, Suzie is feeling horrible right now. OK? She doesn't need someone saying that she's just looking for attention. She didn't take the pills to kil herself, she took them to escape from reality for a while. When she found out she was in trouble, then she told her parents. Mabey she doe's need the hospital, mabey it will do her some good, who knows? Sometimes a hospital can help, but I know for A FACT that she does NOT need this sort of crap being directed at her, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

attention wal-mart shoppers...
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 10 10:07:18 2001 (#5654)

it seems that someone might be a little bit jealous and want more attention from colin... *coughcoughalanacough* it also seems that YES suzie is crying out for help but uhhh HELLO ur not gonna help her out by talking shit. Most likely if u feel as though someone is coming at you wrong, u will turn away from their advice no matter how logical it may seem. SOOOOO if u want to help her or anyone else out you should maybe approach them differently. have the same advice but say it more nicely.

you also have to remember that when someone is crying out for help like that, they usually don't REALIZE that they are crying out for help, they are just trying to escape. I've been there plenty of times and only NOW do i realize that some of the things i did were cries for help. so stop being so hard and judgmental about her... no one talks shit to u about ur problems... so keep the drama down to a minimum please.

and to suzie, i didn't get help until i was physically forced to, and STILL i refused it... u should accept it if u want to get better even though its hard and u may go away for a while from all your friends... BUT just remember that u came into this world alone and you will leave this world alone also, so worry about YOURSELF and not what other people may think or about not seeing your friends for a while or something (those were my main concerns anyway) and just to EVERYONE keep ur heads up dammit... don't let urself fall any further. shit will get better some day (i hope)... so yeah, thats all i have to say... bye u guys

Re: attention wal-mart shoppers...
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 10 10:12:20 2001 (#5655)

LOST,

All I have to say is: YOU ROCK! :)

guess what LOST
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 10 17:51:50 2001 (#5669)

You actually think that I want attention from colin.... ewww, please no thanks. I've had quite way more than enough of that, and thats the last thing I ever want. Ever again, attention from him means that I'm fucked up, any attention from colin means your fucked up, cuz he only talks to people in distress. Believe me I know. Or if he wants to bitch at you for being wrong and miss. perfect being right. But ofcourse you all don't know much, cuz you live in this twisted little world.

guess what ALANA
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 10 21:35:19 2001 (#5674)

why u gotta diss colin for? not the cool thing to do. i'm just saying that he hasn't said anything mean to u (on here) so don't hate on him. you know he's trying to help everyone. I think you just feel like you're being ganged up on right now... but its not even like that.

Re: guess what ALANA
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 11 00:19:19 2001 (#5684)

ok LOST, how bout you look at the posts...I believe that is what you call ganging up on. And I'm not dissing colin! And as far as cool goes, who the fuck really cares here. This place isn't cool!

just wondering
Posted by ** on Mon Apr 9 13:55:00 2001 (#5616)

So you lay in bed trying to get some sleep and suddenly you get so scared. you dunno why but you don't dare to move or even to breathe.you silently start to cry and wish that it will be all over soon. and then suddenly you don't feel scared anymore and you fall asleep.

I dunno if i'm the only one who has ever had that.

Re: just wondering
Posted by L on Mon Apr 9 18:11:34 2001 (#5618)

have you ever been abused? sounds like PTSD. hope youre ok.

Re: just wondering
Posted by Angel on Mon Apr 9 18:43:27 2001 (#5621)

I've not been abused and i get it?? i sort of feel like someone else is in the room with me, about to do something bad. i guess its just chidhood fear. Angel xx

Re: just wondering
Posted by ** on Mon Apr 9 19:18:45 2001 (#5623)

no, i have never been abused

Re: just wondering
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 00:41:52 2001 (#5634)

i didnt mean to imply anything or be politically incorecct in anyway....i was just curious...i know that feeling a little. but my friend who was abused disconnects in a different way. when i disconnect i still have conciousness of where i am and whats going on its just like i stop feeling and i am watching someone else. my friend says she completely like leaves her body and goes to God-knows-where. its her coping skill

Re: just wondering
Posted by Maggie on Tue Apr 10 14:09:48 2001 (#5657)

Wow... I get that feeling on occasion too. In fact it happened to me 2 nights ago. I was reading, turned off the light to go to sleep and go so scared for no reason at all. It was almost like a sense on impending disaster - like an earthquake or something. I couldn't sleep. Why does this happen to us???

emotions
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 9 22:04:26 2001 (#5625)

my boyf said that i have no emotions.Nothing mean just observing me.I asked him to explain a bit more and he said that like if he died it wouldnt have any effect on my life. I know what he was trying to get across.The thing is i've also noticed it.Feelings that should be happening are not processing.It's starting to distress me now that he's noticed.I really don't know what i can do.Has any1 any ideas? (it's good to be back on the board.I'm needing support) Jess

Re: emotions
Posted by L on Mon Apr 9 22:12:34 2001 (#5626)

hey, i feel the same way a lot. like things that should make me upset or happy have no effect on me and then the little things make me crazy like send me into tears. my therapist said that it is all part of depression...hopefully my meds will begin to work one of these days. do you take anything?

Re: emotions
Posted by kim on Mon Apr 9 22:40:55 2001 (#5628)

I know exactly what you are talking about. For about 2 years I was like a brick wall. My emotions never moved. I was in the same mood all the time, nothing making me happy or upset, just neutral. Soon it turned into me just not being happy, but i cried all the time. Now that i'm on prozac i dont get to such a low point, but i never really hit a high point either. I wish I could go back to being 9 yrs. old.

Re: emotions
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 9 22:51:00 2001 (#5629)

Heh, funny, just a thought - I've been accused of having too many emotions. People say that I care about people too much. And here I thought that wasn't possible. For instance, I cry when I hear that perfect strangers die. People think I'm a freak because of this. Maybe I am, I dunno. I just thought that was weird that I'm the exact opposite. :)

Doris

Re: emotions
Posted by Maggie on Tue Apr 10 14:13:30 2001 (#5658)

Are you taking any meds Jess??? Coz when I was on meds I became emotionless for all those months. Thing would happen that would cause other people to be so sad or excited about, and I would remain unphased.

I think this is quite a common side affect of taking SSRI meds.

my story--can you please help me quit?
Posted by catherine on Mon Apr 9 22:52:28 2001 (#5630)

let me begin my long, long saga. there's a boy named jack. i liked jack. jack liked me. but jack's bashful. he would never say he liked me. at least not to my face. ok, christmas is a coming--and jack got mad, for no reason, and went out with one of my best friends (for reasons still left unknown). i acutally wasn't jealous. she liked him too, and i was sorta happy at least ONE of us got him. well, then he did the one thing that i told him he best not do--he broke up with her. mistake, what followed has been five months of complete hell!

i broke off my friendship with him, because she was so hurt, and a bunch of shit started between me, him, and a mutual friend--mary quite contrary. more about her later. well, the girl, jill, and i remained friends. then, sweetly, i wrote her an aplogy for being a little rude to her..i walk over there at lunch, the bitch is passing it around the table. i was no doubtly angry. i had known her for five years. so i wrote her the nastiest note--and made copies for her friends too. hehehe. that ended three more friendships. my count was up to four.

well, life goes on, right? wrong. jill and i remained civil. jack, being the bastard he was, would not leave me alone. this is where mary quite contrary gets involved. dear mary, who i had only met this year, is jack's love interest--she has been for five years. she doesn't want him--but she sure will take his side when he's outnumbered. they ganged up, they had people harassing me (and i mean harass--throwing trash at me, taking my lunch, spitting on me)...they sent me the nastiest valentine...(pretty pathetic), and all this other shit. we went to guidance twice, and to the office twice. hell, hell, hell.

it gets worse. i was so fed up, that i did something that to this day i will always regret. i cut myself. a lot. for quite a few weeks. purposely. and then the world stopped when i tried overdosing. everyone was trying to figure out why this 'happy, honor roll student' could become so depressed she'd want to die...well, after pressure from my friends, i turned myself in to my teacher--my neighbor, a family friend--i love her (at least NOW i do..) to death. she was shocked at first, and she didn't believe it until she saw it, but she lied to me (bitch) and she turned me in (they keep telling me it's the law--like i care...) they called my mom, and told her i was suicidal, which was a lie--i had already attempted suicide, and i never told this teacher i had even tried. i just told her i was slicing myself up.

i went through weeks of denial, and i finally agreed to talk to guidance--only after the stupid teacher turned in my JOURNAL (u know..the things that are personal? i swear...), and they had me see the stupid school shrink. to cut through all the boring things, and get to today. jill and i talk--not at all like before. not even close. a smile a day is good for us. and me and jack? we talk a little bit. each day is a new beginning, and we're both willing to give it a lot of time--which we know we're gonna need. but i'm the one that's still hurt, and never satisifed. nothing is going to be perfect, and i'm not sure if i acutally thought it would be. everyone doesn't think cutting is for me. this teacher keeps telling me "you can take yourself out of this world doing this.." and i know i can, and i keep telling her "that won't happen, trust me" but she's very scared for me, and she's expressed concern to a lot of people about me. for her sake, because i have yet to realize the effect of what i'm doing and what i've done to myself, i quit cutting myself. i went a month, and then relasped, and so far, i'm only two weeks strong. i don't even know if i have a reason to cut myself anymore--everyone keeps telling me to look on the happier side--things are getting better! but who can define better--just becuase i've started talking to people i haven't talked to in five months doesn't mean everything's better...in fact, i don't know if they're getting better or worse.

Re: my story--can you please help me quit?
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 00:36:41 2001 (#5633)

wow. thank you for sharing. i admire you so much for being two weeks strong. i understand many of your emotions. i too was betrayed by a trusted adult who told me whatever i said would be just between us. i know what you mean when things dont feel better or worse - i am good at pretending and people always think things are better when they are not. i hope you continue to post. everyone here will support you through the good and the bad. and my philosiphy is it is better to put your feelings up on the board than to take them out on yourself....if only i could heed my own advice. welcome to psyke...i hope we can help you.

paranoid?
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 10 01:29:19 2001 (#5636)

ok, i've felt paranoid before i guess but not often... but NOW it is happening daily... my stomach tightens and i feel sick because i am so nervous but there is NO reason to be nervous. I guess it feels like something bad might happen or something... i can't really explain it but it makes me so nervous and scared that i want to curl up in a ball and start crying. I even feel it right now, and i want to scream. I'm even about to cry. i'm not trying to sound dramatic at all... i just need to know if anyone knows what the hell is wrong with me... or what might cause this or maybe how to help it. the only thing that really helps it go away is drugs and or alcohol. Lately, i've been HEAVILY into drinking and stuff again and constantly partying. its the only thing that helps me and i KNOW its bad and i've been down this path before and it RUINED my life... but i can't help it. i need to find out what causes certain things so i can fix them w/out drugs and alcohol. does anyone know what might help maybe?

Re: paranoid?
Posted by Nuni on Tue Apr 10 01:58:41 2001 (#5637)

YES, its me!!! Kay, I am worried about you. I dont know that you need me to tell you that. But I havent been around lately. FIrst I would like to throw in that alcohol doesnt really help. It is simply masking your situation. We all want to run and hide from what hurts us. I want you to run to me, I want to help you!!! IM me PLEASE!!!! I am TurtlesCor still... any of you. I use to post here and the board really helped me. But you have to ask, and you have to want it for it to work.. LOST, please be okay!! Hugs, Nuni

Re: paranoid?
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 15:12:22 2001 (#5661)

i have conversations in my head with the lady in brown (thats what i call her) she takes on whoever i pretend i am talking to....wow, i KNOW i sound really nuts....but i do it to practice what i will say to people and imagine what i would say if i really said what i thought and just those thoughts mmake my heart jump and my stomach tighten and make me feel paranoid.

sorry, that sounds a lot less crazy inside my head

um, new here...need some advice
Posted by *me* on Tue Apr 10 02:13:12 2001 (#5638)

Hi, I'm new to this board! As I'm typing this my heart is racing. I've never come out and said this before. I hurt myself. I'm a 16 year old girl and I began bruising myself a few years ago. I stopped for a while, but when I was about 14 I began again, and one day I got so mad that I pushed my nails into my skin and dug. And from there I began to cut my wrists with my nails, with scizzors, with anything sharp. Ok I can't believe I'm actually going to post this. It's very personal and stuff, as you all know.

Anyways, now that you know my background, I need some help. I've been sick lately, and my parents scheduled a physical at the doctors for me. I'm TERRIFIED that my doctor is going to find my cuts. I figure that my wristwatch will cover my wrist, it always has before, but I scatched up my arm and I don't know whether it will heal in time. I don't know what to do and I could really use some advice. No one knows I si and I don't really want anyone to find out.

Thank you so much for listening to me. Someone PLEASE reply! I'm desperate!

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by Kate on Tue Apr 10 03:56:16 2001 (#5642)

I understand what you are going through I used to cut my self when I was in high school and recently quit. I am 22 now. Your doctor should understand maybe he or she won't mention the scars. What kind of docotor are you going to? I am here if you need anything.

Love, Kate

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by sara on Tue Apr 10 04:23:42 2001 (#5644)

hey, i'm 16 too (well for 83 more days, but who's counting..). but e-mail me or im me anytime you want. i'll listen. its good to use my ears sometimes too. and for the whole doctor thing, mine haven't noticed yet (i think, i hope) but if they do, tell them the truth. ok that was probably bad advice, but write anytime. -sara-

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by kim on Tue Apr 10 05:38:30 2001 (#5646)

Hey sweetie I've gotten away with it at the doctor many times. As long as you wear a thin longsleeved shirt, you should be fine. The only reason you would ever have to bare your arms is to take you blood pressure, but if the shirt is thin enough, then they wont make you push it up. If you have to have a blood test, then im not sure what to do...have them take the blood from which ever arm is the least scared...it will be easier to make a cover up. Email me anytime.

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 10 05:44:24 2001 (#5647)

Hey,

I can't give you any advice about the doctor thing, but I would just like to say welcome. You are very strong for admitting your problem to us, I thank you for your honesty and openness. Please feel free to post here when you're feeling down, feeling like you need to SI, or just to talk to someone. We're here for you. You're in my prayers. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 15:09:25 2001 (#5660)

hey let me start by welcoming you and applauding your courage for admitting to all of us what you do....that is truly a hard thing to do. now, about the dr....if it is a physical they will probably make you strip down so the shirt thing wont work, and if your doctor is like mine they will ask about every little cut and bruise. its horrible. i was so shocked when my mom announced one day that i had a physical the next day...mind you i had hundreds and hundreds of open cuts on my arms and legs and stomach....so i flipped. first i told her i couldnt becuase i had a soccer game the next day and that got me out of it so she reschedualed it for the next week and i was so strong i didnt cut at all but that was not enough time for things to heal so i told her i had my period and didnt want to go...anyway you get the point.....i ended up delaying for a month, the worst month of my life and i didnt cut at all. so, then when i actually went to the dr most cuts were faded white scars and i told her i was in a big hurry becuase i had to get to my after school job so she didnt look that closely. well, i know this isnt probably good advice but try to delay it. or, if you are braver than me, admit to your dr what you do...mind you that this would mean she would probably tell your parents and send you to a therapist...but if you are ready to get help then go fo it! good luck and hang in there

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 11 00:53:53 2001 (#5692)

Thank you all for being so very supportive. I really didn't know what to expect when I posted, and I didn't know whether anyone was going to answer me or not! Now I'm just going to answer the questions in this one post instead of a bunch so bear with me and I'm sorry if I forgot any! Ask them again and I'll answer haha.

My doctor is just a normal doctor, I guess I still go to a pediatrician but yeah, it's for a physical. And I'm probably getting my blood drawn because my mom thinks I may be anemic or something.. The appointment isn't for two weeks and I am making myself NOT si because I can't have anyone find out.

I usually just cut my left wrist, and my watch covers the cuts/scars for most of the time, and bruises can be explained easier so I don't worry about them, unless they're really bad. But see, I got really mad at myself last week and made a cut on my upper arm (which if it doesn't heal I'm planning on making up something) and I scratched my arm. You should see me covering these cuts with ointment and lotion trying to get them to heal and fade! I don't want anyone to find out, I'm so scared. I hate myself for ever doing this because it makes me feel so stupid and shameful and guilty.

Ok well this is a very long post so I'll stop rambling, sorry if you're all bored by now! Thank you all again, and if you feel like responding I would appreciate it.

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by L on Wed Apr 11 01:42:54 2001 (#5698)

hey good luck healing. have you tried the new advanced healing band-aids...they really help heal things quickly.

Re: um, new here...need some advice
Posted by *me* on Fri Apr 13 00:14:29 2001 (#5899)

Thanks! I'm going to try those band-aids! I need all the help I can get!

so many words, so little time
Posted by sara on Tue Apr 10 04:19:28 2001 (#5643)

alright, ok, i stopped for several weeks then boom!!! all those emotions i thought went away came back again...oh dear. it wasn't good. but i'm ok. i haven't the faintest idea why i am typing this...but maybe there will be a point later. but when i was in therapy i made this pact that i would talk to an adult friend when i felt this way again. i did, i hurt her again. i don't know what or how to say anything. she'd never tell me that i hurt her or scared her, but i know i did. i don't know what to do. what shall i do? alright, i'm done now. -sara-

Re: so many words, so little time
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 10 06:35:45 2001 (#5649)

Everyone wants you to talk to them when you feel like cutting. I can't do it though. I was supposed to, actually I promised several people I would but I just never ever can. One thing is that I don't think you should feel bad about not telling her. I think maybe we let ourselves down more and that feels bad enough. ...Julie...

Re: so many words, so little time
Posted by sara on Tue Apr 10 13:30:51 2001 (#5656)

no, i don't feel bad about not telling her, i feel bad about not know what to say to her in comfort after she knows. that is what i do not know (she always seems to know about cutting though). i want to be there for her, but don't know how. sorry, my first message was rather confusing (even to me..). -sara-

Re: so many words, so little time
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 15:24:39 2001 (#5663)

i think you should remeber that if your relationship with her is similar to me+my friend....then she is there to support you, she wants you to take care of yourself...it is not your job to comfort her. she is older and she can take care of herself. worry only about you and your emotions, she will be able to handle whatever you say to her, it is not your job to help her deal with it or try to comfort her

Re: so many words, so little time
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 15:16:16 2001 (#5662)

oh God, im so sorry, i have an adult friend whos supposed to be there for me and it seems as if nothing freaks her and i know that inside that i must scare her and hurt her so badly.....

i hope you can discover what led to the relaspse in therapy, but feel free to relase emotions here....i will always be listening. and trying to help in whatever feeble way i can.

Re: so many words, so little time
Posted by sara on Tue Apr 10 23:05:06 2001 (#5677)

thanks...i try to talk, try being the keyword. i've been here for awhile but only posted acouple times. but as for therapy, my parents took me out b/c they said they didn't like the accusitions being made against them. and sometimes i just have to let go and talk...not always be the one in control...thanks again...sara

TRUTH!
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 10 04:31:43 2001 (#5645)

here you go everyone

THE TRUTH HURTS...deep down....it only hurts when you know there's a bit of truth to it

Re: TRUTH!
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 10 06:41:07 2001 (#5650)

It is also liberating to know the truth. And in my case when I finally feel like I am no longer living a lie.

Re: TRUTH!
Posted by Angel on Tue Apr 10 10:00:25 2001 (#5653)

True, once things are out in the open you can feel more relaxed and you dont have to hide away. Although the truth does hurt, i think i have said this before, over time people begin to come to terms with it and it no longer hurts. Angel xx

Re: TRUTH!
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 15:27:48 2001 (#5664)

this has been my whole problem lately: truth hurts so badly but so does living a lie. but also it is freedom to live the truth but it is easier to live a lie. how do you choose?

Sheepish...i am the swine of the earth
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 10 06:42:43 2001 (#5651)

First

Re: Sheepish...i am the swine of the earth
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 10 07:15:28 2001 (#5652)

Blast!!!! I screwed up again. I want to say sorry for all the times I have whined and complained to people who didn't know me.I hope I am still welcome????? I jumped in like the psycho that I am. Next I want to say that in my speech on self-injury that i am hoping to do i would like to say::::::::: Anything that anyone wants me to include i will. I mean i don't want to just do a speech on myself, but i want to try to get across the feelings of many self-injurers. So, would you please tell me anything you want and especially what each of you think is the most misrepresented thing about us, self-injurers. I want to try to give this a different fresh opinion and a basis of truth.(not like you find in those terrible medical stereotypical books) I am trying to be positive here, so even if i am a mental screw-up HAVE A HEART. That first post has hidden messages in it for those of you keen enough to see them. Thanks. Julie.

Re: Sheepish...i am the swine of the earth
Posted by L on Tue Apr 10 15:33:14 2001 (#5665)

i would like you to say to people to be careful about generalizations. lumping all self-injurers into one category of emotions is very tempting but very dangerous. we all have our unique struggles and emotions...we can understand each other but none are truly identical. we are very individual people. also, maybe you should talk about how people should react when they find out that someone SIs...i know peoplw who have found out about me act in less than honorable fashions sometimes. maybe give them an example of something to say to someone who has just told them that they cut themselves.

and let me add that i admire your courage so much....i would never be able to give a speech like that to my classmates. good luck.

You're all fucked!
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 10 17:46:49 2001 (#5667)

Yup, you are, you're all fucked up in the head! Everyone, well no not everyone, a select few of you! *coughcoughsuziecough* you fuckin bitch. YOu know what, the fact that you got soooo sad and upset, you poor thing, about my little post (which was the complete truth...and yes I wasn't trying to be rude about it hence the good luck) that everyone is turned against me, just cuz you're little miss.perfect and everyone always sides with you no matter how wrong you, and in this case you are soooooo fuckin wrong....I do know why they side with you, they're just as fucked up as you, not quite as much though. YOu are beyond repair suzie, you..eghh, I can't even begin to tell you how much I despise your existence! But I could care less, cuz you mean shit in my world, me unlike others deal with what I have to deal with, and if I don't I keep my fuckin mouth shut now, cuz talking to other fucked up people, like yourselves, only makes things worse...For fucks sake, get over yourself suzie, and start looking at the bigger picture here. Oh yah, and if taking 14 motrin was your way of escaping reality, well you know they do have weed to do that among other drugs (E, K, crack, just to name a few that do just the same...which doesn't put you in the hospital. And don't even play the innocent girl act that you didn't know 14 motrin was harmful, you'd have to be retard to not know that. SO like I said, enjoy your fucked up lives everyone, I hope you realize your wasting a perfectly good life by whining and complaining about how bad it is. I do the same, but I'm trying to fix that part of my life, which is more than I can say about so me of you.

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by Angel on Tue Apr 10 18:29:17 2001 (#5670)

what post? cud someone fill me in, i'm quite new. Thats pretty nasty by the way yet a smile has creeped across my poor face. Am i fucked up too?? Angel hehe

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by Alana on Tue Apr 10 18:36:13 2001 (#5671)

No! You're cool, I really like you. The people who are fucked up know who they are!

ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS... 50% OFF VIAGRA
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 10 21:30:31 2001 (#5673)

so i'm fucked up in the head then? hmmm... ok. Well if that is what u think then handle ur business girl. Just to let u know, its not a matter of turning against you or choosing her side, because honestly i've never talked to either one of you so i don't even KNOW YOU GUYS to choose sides. All i was saying was that if you want to give someone advice, then SAY IT NICER!!! THAT is the reason it seems people are turning against you... not because of WHAT you said but HOW you said it. and the way you're putting it now it seems like you're jealous of suzie a little bit (and ohhhh SHUT UP if you think i'm wrong because i said it SEEMS not it IS!) Oh hey, just to let u know, E, K, Crack and others CAN put u in the hospital... i've been there, done that. And about whining and complaining about my life... i RARELY come here and whine and complain... and when i do its for ADVICE soooo honey you got THAT part wrong.

and i haven't turned against you... you actually seem A LOT like me 1-2 yrs ago (i don't know how old u are or anything though) but yeah girl, i think that all you're looking for is a little love and attention (we are ALL looking for love and attention) so hey, even tho i seem like a bitch or that i've turned against u or whatever, i'm still open to talk. my aol name is KaleenaKrackHead (don't make fun of the name)... so u can feel free to hit me up or whatever if u ever feel like talking, cuz i think i've been where ur at right now (how cheesy was that?!) alright then. peace outties.

Re: ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS... 50% OFF VIAGRA
Posted by Kate on Tue Apr 10 23:51:21 2001 (#5682)

The title caught my attention. Lost you're hilarious. That is all I have to say. You should be a stand up comedian. I'm serious.

Re: ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS... 50% OFF VIAGRA
Posted by melissa on Sun Apr 15 05:31:47 2001 (#6123)

that is so real. your still my girl...i love you and miss you. email me. i hate the boards now i feel like they have all gone to shit, you know, it could just be me...i have been kinda stinkin lately. hehe

love peace and all the grease in between your teeth, im out

Re: ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS... 50% OFF VIAGRA
Posted by ... on Sat Apr 21 03:13:07 2001 (#6618)

i O KI

Re: ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS... 50% OFF VIAGRA
Posted by ... on Sat Apr 21 03:13:40 2001 (#6619)

I O

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by Doris on Tue Apr 10 22:13:40 2001 (#5675)

Wow.... all I have to say is wow. This used to be a board where you can post anything and not have to worry about being judged or "whining". Now, everytime you post you have to think "is this going to sound like I'm whining?" "What are people going to think about this post?" I'm sorry, but f*ck that. We have ENOUGH judgement and pain and stress in our lives and this board is supposed to be a place free from all of that sh*t. Here we are - calling each other f*cked up in the head? Is that a way to support each other?

I came here for love from my peers and all I see is resentment, bitterness, and judgement. It breaks my heart to read posts like this. I'm wondering if I should be here anymore. If we're all f*cked up then why bother try to help anyone? I'm useless then.

And, let me just say, that to attack Suzie is so incredibly low I can't even imagine. And THEN, you go and say that Colin only talks to f*cked up people! I'd like to disagree - Colin is the most kind-hearted amazing soul I have ever met and to say ANYTHING bad about him is just WRONG.

Look at this - we're all against each other. I hope you're happy. If I were Suzie and I read a post like this I would kill myself just to prove you wrong. So, I hope you're very happy. This is just not right... I don't think I can take more of this.

Doris

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 11 00:22:17 2001 (#5685)

Doris, you saying you would kill yourself over this just proves how fucked up everyone really is. This shit doesn't even matter. Holy fuck, get over it already.

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 11 06:05:51 2001 (#5717)

Thank you for that diagnosis and for your professional advice, doctor.

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by suzie on Tue Apr 10 22:26:17 2001 (#5676)

i just really want to know, what do you have against me? why have you started to have this huge hatred against me? we used to talk and be friends, than you completly blew up at me. all i want to know is why, what have i done to make you so upset?

im sorry. ok. what ever i have done, what ever i have said. i am so sorry. ok? i dont want you to have this wrath against me.

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 11 00:43:48 2001 (#5689)

Why do make it seem like you did nothing wrong. YOu said some shit to me that I wish I never heard..and I said some shit that I wish I never said. But I don't really care cuz I don't dwell on the past like that (well at least I try to), especially when it comes to stupid little things like this. K, this is stupid, I don't know why you care whether or not I like you, not like it really matters alright. You don't know me, you never will, so why do you care so much what a stranger thinks of you. Stay focused on the things that really matter, please not this. If you do, please get help for that. Alright, I said what had to be said. And to anyone who thinks this is for attention, you can go fuck yourselves...I have my weed to cool me off and to stop seeking attention. There are more important things going on in the world!

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by ignorance is bliss on Wed Apr 11 00:56:48 2001 (#5693)

if you dont dwell on the past, than why did you post about that whole thing, twice might i add

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 11 01:07:37 2001 (#5696)

cuz I'm trying to let you guys see what really matters here, you don't have to turn around and say something like that. I know it doesn't seem like I'm trying to help...but cmon, what I have to say is somewhat truthful, if it wasn't then why is everyone so upset about it.

Re: You're all fucked!
Posted by L on Wed Apr 11 01:38:08 2001 (#5697)

look i dont even know where to begin...first off suzie is such a great person i dont know what you have against her...she is wonderful and she wants to help us all and we should be there to support her during the rough times in her life...also, this board is a place where people can release and escape from the shit in thier lives...it should be friendly we are here to help each other. it is ok to think mean things and all but people look to this board for support and if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all....and if you truly dont dwell on the past and you think that peoples problems are insignificant then why the hell do you bother to post at all? if you are too fuckin good for us then why do you stay?

You're all so sweet!!!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Apr 11 18:45:11 2001 (#5733)

Look you all know that I don't visit this board as much now. However, when I was here there were 4 or 5 ppl that I knew I could really rely on. Suzie and Alana were 2 of those ppl.

Whether they are on speaking terms or not is not really any of anyones business. I know what it is like to feel the need to stand by friends but I also know what it is like to be in Suzie's position. I don't know if Suzie will agree but I didn't like being the middle of an arguement.

Also ppl are saying that this board is a place for ppl to come and off load or just to chat and not have to worry about being critised. Well I totaly agree.

However I will offer some advice.

If you see a post that you don't particularly like then just ignore it, otherwise it ends up in a full scale arguement.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX