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Threads 1251 to 1300

Something from me
Posted by JULIA on Tue Mar 13 22:21:18 2001 (#4604)

I just don't know what to say anymore. Things have gotten worse since I have lost posted. I don't know what to say, what to do, I really don't know anything right now. Well, I do know that I want to get out of here, DIE!!!!!!!!! I bet that I am not the only one here right now thinking like this. I'm just thinking about when would be the perfect time to take the pills. You know, the people around me are using other computers and so I feel lonely and pathetic. They're all looking up stuff for school or playing games... and here I am faced with a life and death situation. This is wierd. So, what is everyone else doing?

Re: Something from me
Posted by Jess on Tue Mar 13 22:33:49 2001 (#4606)

Deciding to fuck what i said b4 and do it.I have the knife in my hand.i'm tempted to cut but sumthings holding me back .I don't know what.I'll get the courage again and after three i'll do it.4 now i'm listening 2 my music and messing on the internet.

Re: Something from me
Posted by suzie on Wed Mar 14 00:57:38 2001 (#4628)

oh sweetie i know its so scared, but like i said to other people i will say to you, you are here to help. you have helped other people so much,. that one time that you replyed back to me and said thank you for replying, you dont know how good that felt. how good it felt to feel like i helped some one. i know its hard to understand, but you have been put on this eartth to help., so sweetie please stay on, please hold on, please stayu tight, im here for you

10 minutes left
Posted by JULIA on Tue Mar 13 22:30:29 2001 (#4605)

It just seems that no matter what I do I never get anywhere. I feel like I'm really strong enough right now to kill myself, what do you think? I't okay if you hate me or are mad at me. Most people say that I should just get over it but I can't. I'm thinking, should I take the pills here in my school or outside somewhere or at home- I don't know. I don't to fail my attempt. I'm feeling like I don't know what to say, chilhood events are becoming more lucid now which is oainful. Memories are coming back at me as if in a movie. What to do now? and How am I going to make it even 10 minutes longer? are two big questions going on through my mind right now. It's so hard for me to think because I feel confused and so many other things too.

Re: 10 minutes left
Posted by Jess on Tue Mar 13 22:39:30 2001 (#4607)

Take them when you go to bed.Keep a bin by your bed incase it makes you sick in the night.I don't want to give you advice.It seems as though i want you to die I don't believe me.I should be the one asking.The thing is,i know.Thats what i did when i tried to O.D. It obviously didn't work.They very rarely do.Thats why i'm choosing a different option.e-mail me 2morrow to let me know how you feel

Re: 10 minutes left
Posted by Strider on Tue Mar 13 23:11:19 2001 (#4609)

What do I think?? Well, for starters I think that killing yourself would be the worst thing you could do in your life. Because it would end it. Don't give your life away before you can live it!! I don't hate you and I'm not mad at yo. Nobody here is. Keep writing to us, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

100 years left.
Posted by suzie on Wed Mar 14 01:02:52 2001 (#4629)

who ever tells you that you should get over it abnd move on is a big dick head, theey dont know how it feels at all. they are immature and ignorant. and its ok, i want you to the subject line, see that. THAT IS HOW LONG YOU:RE GONNA BE HERE BABY!!! hope fully longer, but i figured 100 years is old enoughm hehehe, ok byby

There out to get me
Posted by Falling Hawk on Tue Mar 13 23:13:30 2001 (#4610)

Help my parents are really making my life a living hell!! all they ever do is yell. i cant take it any more. i'm going crazy!!!

Re: There out to get me
Posted by Strider on Tue Mar 13 23:24:02 2001 (#4611)

Well, I'm here to help as much as I can F.h., though I don't know exactly what to do. Do you have an instant messenger servise? On AOL IM my name is UndeadLine, and I'm on the MSN one too. If not, just keep posting with stuff, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: There out to get me
Posted by suzie on Wed Mar 14 01:05:06 2001 (#4630)

oh i know, dosent it feel like that. for me it dose,. they just love you and they want to help. i know it dosent seem like that, and that it feelsl ike thery are just being ano=noying and hellish, but they are trying to helop in their own demented way,

Re: There out to get me
Posted by Cate on Wed Mar 14 02:07:48 2001 (#4633)

I know what you mean, my parents drive me crazy, they seriously make me want to kill myself sometimes. I used to argue all the time, but I've kinda given up. They have way more power over any situation, maybe you should just try to let them "be right" when possible. My friend gave me the advice to manipulate my parents, and while I'm really not that type, but if they think they have what they want, they're happy, and much more agreeable.

Sorry I can't really be of much help, remember you won't live there forever, it'll turn out ok, be strong :o)if you ever wanna talk you can e-mail me, or my yahoo ID is cate_me *hugs* Cate

hey
Posted by Gurl on Wed Mar 14 01:46:09 2001 (#4631)

Hey ive never been here before but someone told me it was a good place to go. I read some of the messages and just everything sounds so like me. Are we all just messed up? i wanna know? are we all suicidal? cuz thats what everyone calls me, they call me suicidal, they all lke watch out for that crazy girl. i dont try to be different but i cant help the scars on my arms....

Re: hey
Posted by suzie on Wed Mar 14 01:54:42 2001 (#4632)

hey there gurl. some of us are sucicidal, some of us cut, some of us are justr plain old sad. and you know what, those girls who say that. THEY SUCK! ignor them, they dont understand, well

talk to you later,

Re: hey
Posted by Strider on Wed Mar 14 07:03:38 2001 (#4637)

Weel, actually, yes, we are messed up. But everyone is in some way, but SI is different that suicide. You can be suicidal and be an SIer, but they're not the same things. Si is like hurting yourself so you DON'T commit suicide. Or something.. yeah. Some people here are suicidal. I my self am not right now. I was for a long time before though. I hope I've answered some of your questions!

love and prayers, Colin

This just pushed me off the top
Posted by Falling Hawk on Wed Mar 14 02:35:22 2001 (#4634)

Okay i called my B/F today on the phone, and when he picked up he asked if i was someone named Jenn. i said i was Jenn. he started saying stuff like i had fun last night baby and i'm like what did we do last night? he's like you no the party, the drinks the sex, i'm like WTF!!! i started screaming!! and then hung up the phone Then this girl from school called me and my dad thought it was someone i net on aol. he was yelling and yelling finally i yelled shut the fucK up i dont have time for your shit and ran off. he didnt bother to chase me THEN i called Christine (like 10 times) but whenever someone would pick up i'd hang up because i got scared. i just wanted to see if she was okay. finally i asked if she was there and i guess her dad said she wasnt home. so now i'm like going to have a heart attack, thinking my friend is dead... crying my head off..i mean i never even met her! but i care about what happens. BUT to top it all off i told the councler at my school that i was really depressed. told her everything that happened and she sent child security to my house saying i was being abused. so when they left i took a knife and cut up my whole leg. it is still bleeding like crazy there is blood all over the rug and i have the knife next to me. the thing is i cant walk and my mom and dad will be home soon... all i can say is HELP

Re: This just pushed me off the top
Posted by Strider on Wed Mar 14 06:54:21 2001 (#4636)

Oh dear. That's HORRIBLE! I can't believe what happened to you! It's nuts! If it were me I wouldn't have been able to survive. I'll be praying that everything works out, and keep calling Christine, OK? Keep posting to let us know how things keep progressing!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: This just pushed me off the top
Posted by Falling Hawk on Wed Mar 14 12:44:41 2001 (#4640)

SHE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT AT 9. SHE IS IN THE HOSPITAL BUT SHE;LL BE FINE. I HATE HOSPITALS THERE SCARY..

something to think about
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 14 03:02:10 2001 (#4635)

The cold metal in your hand,

Nothing but sadness and fear in your heart,

With death on your mind,

No more energy left.

Screw the world; forget it all.

Life was not meant to be this way.

You want to drain your arm,

You want to see the puddle on the ground.

You’re tired and you’re ready to go.

You think there is nothing more for you here...

But there’s a problem you see.

Because I won’t let you go.

You’re my friend and I love you.

If you have nothing else you have that.

Friendship is more than enough to live for.

So survive for our sake if not your own.

Smile and drop the razor.

When you cut yourself you cut me too.

And I don’t enjoy the pain as much as you do.

Stop hurting us, start living.

Re: something to think about
Posted by Strider on Wed Mar 14 07:09:47 2001 (#4638)

Wow. Very much wow. Gives me hope.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: something to think about
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 14 18:57:03 2001 (#4645)

Thanks, Colin. That means a lot to me. :)

Re: something to think about
Posted by Sharon on Wed Mar 14 23:26:57 2001 (#4653)

duh-duh-duh, i am COMPLETELY speechless! well, not quite, i think i can manage a few words to tell you how much that means to me!!! you are a great poet! WOW!

hugs,

sharon

Re: something to think about
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 15 01:47:42 2001 (#4656)

Aw...*blush*. Thanks so much Sharon, that means a lot to me. Be well and happy :). God speed.

Doris

Re: something to think about
Posted by Someone on Thu Mar 15 18:18:22 2001 (#4669)

beautiful!! ! you are such a great example for me! lots of love vicky!

Re: something to think about
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 16 00:27:27 2001 (#4679)

Aww, thanks so much, Vicky! :-D

Fran-Canada
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Wed Mar 14 18:03:39 2001 (#4643)

Fran after you posted a meaage a while ago telling the new people about canada i decided to look bake and find out a bit more about it. i would just like to say how wonderful i think it sounds. i wish i had been around whan it was first created as i would have loved to been involved in the creation of such an imaginative, careing place. I think we should not forget this place and the new people should share in this haven, as it seemed like it helped you all to get away from reality and have somewhere you could go and visit when you are down or just want to be somwhere different. Just my thoughts. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: Fran-Canada (and all the new ppl )
Posted by Fran on Thu Mar 15 12:11:02 2001 (#4661)

Thats okay that you weren't there when it was created because I wasn't either. You can carry on creating Canada, because it's what you want it to be. For me it's by a lake and a river and meadows. But for you you may have other places you go to, they all exist in Canada if you make them. The house is always there, new rooms are added on when new people come. ANYONE can go there anytime. Just say I'm going to Canada, and anyone who wants to go can. Infact I recommend all the new people to go to the search part of this message board and go through all the times in Canada before, you can see whats happened , and what you want to add. Anyone who wants to ask me anything about it can. It's a really good place to go. Love and Angel Dust Fran

Re: Fran-Canada (My Room in Canada)
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Thu Mar 15 20:34:13 2001 (#4670)

This is what my room is like in our house in canda. its a really dark red on all the walls, the celing is white and the floorboards are mahogany. in the corner by the window there is my bed. the covers are black and all my teddies are sitting waiting for me. in the other corner is my Hi-Fi, my guitar and a micraphone(for when i sing to cheer my self up) all around the room there are bean-bags and funky chairs for when people who want to talk, can come and sit with me. in another corner is my wardrobe, it has glass doors so that i can glance over and decide what to wear. in the wardrobe you will see lots of different colours, but at the same time there is a lot of black(as its my fav colour) there is a big difference between my wardrobe in canada and my wardrobe here. this is that my one in canada has a lot of strappy tops, which i refuse to wear in england, as i get a lot of comments about my scars. BUT in canada i can wear what i want and i know that no-one will say anything mean.

Come and join me in the most wonderful place eva!!!! Love and Hope Amanda

not well....ah well
Posted by Alana on Wed Mar 14 18:16:38 2001 (#4644)

Hey guys. I'm not feeling to well right now. I dont know, I just woke up sad. I don't know what I'm going to do today. I had to tell someone that I'm thinking of cutting myself bad today, so i don't feel so lonely. I'm sorry, this is stupid. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just depressed today. Ah well. Thanks for listening

Re: not well....ah well
Posted by Strider on Wed Mar 14 21:22:19 2001 (#4647)

Ah, Alana, it's not stupid! I know what it's like being depressed for no reason. The last time I cut was because I was lonely and sad, so don't worry. I'll try and talk to you, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

worried!
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 14 19:04:49 2001 (#4646)

Hey

Does anyone know where Christine is? If anyone has any information about her please post... I'm worried sick! :(

Doris

so am I
Posted by Strider on Wed Mar 14 21:29:25 2001 (#4648)

I have no clue Doris, but if I or anyone else hears anything, we'll for sure tell everyone about it. All I can say is to pray!

love and prayrs, Colin

I'm a moron
Posted by Strider on Wed Mar 14 21:35:36 2001 (#4649)

I just read Falling Hawk's response to my response. It says she's in the hospital but she'll be OK.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I'm a moron
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 14 21:49:03 2001 (#4650)

Oh wow, I didn't read that either. Well thank God she's alright. Thanks for the info Colin and Falling Hawk. I'll keep on praying for her! Thanks again.

Doris

Re: I'm a moron
Posted by Falling Hawk on Thu Mar 15 00:50:38 2001 (#4654)

OMFG! i migsth mee t her. I mighft be gSOIng to THe HoSpotal that she ias aat!...

I thinsllk i;m gion to puke

Re: I'm a moron
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 15 01:00:42 2001 (#4655)

That's great that you might be visiting Christine. Remember to give her our love. And... are you okay? Please keep posting. Thanks.

Doris

email
Posted by none on Thu Mar 15 03:52:06 2001 (#4658)

Well um if any wants to talk or anything I have an email. It's sneezing@anglefire.com. Feel free to email me all you want. I have nothing else to do and I definitely don't mind.

Re: email
Posted by Fran on Thu Mar 15 12:17:08 2001 (#4662)

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad you posted that. I have clouds , the poem you wrote in my poetry book. I just love it 'this beauty reminds her of what she must hide'. 'the tub is white freed of her blood'(from memory they might not be completely accurate). those lines are amazing. Could you send me more poetry PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASE. My email at top. Love Fran

Re: email
Posted by Falling Hawk on Thu Mar 15 12:42:04 2001 (#4664)

:) yeah if anyone needs help i'm hear! My e mail addresses are Dobbin222@aol.com or Shadowhawk12088@aol.com, and my aim is Rowk Star Angel. hope to hear from some of you:)

With love ~Nicole~

newbie!!!
Posted by necrosis on Thu Mar 15 04:50:09 2001 (#4659)

Just been talking to the Samaratons. Slashed my arm & been crying. I've had M.E. for 2 years straight & lost my job/too sick to have any social life.Met the love of my life on another self harm board & she's totally suicidal (OD'd into hospital 3 weeks back).Her family can't cope & her dad is suicidal & has eloped as a result (we are expecting his return!).Just too much to cope with.I want to die but know I can't as I'nm needed, yet I feel such disgust at my vanity in believing I'm worth something.

Left my 1st board (made a few friends - B&D that posts here - beautiful person as I'm sure you all know! - she's bloody gorgeous - let her know it for god's sake!!!!)

The board was my home, but I guess I tried to help a little 'too' much & that's intrusive to some. Ignonimity seduces my dignity as fear pampers my despair

Feel free to e-mail me - no doubt you'll get a load of silly poetic insipidity in future - stay safe please x

Love necrosis

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by er, stuff on Thu Mar 15 04:55:41 2001 (#4660)

ignonimity???!! Is it ignomy?? No idea- who cares?!!! Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is painful, understanding is trauma, wisdom is death.xxx

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by Fran on Thu Mar 15 12:21:54 2001 (#4663)

B&D, you're talking about Helen right?. Are you from Stronger?. I'm Fran, friendly with Helen. We're going to see Everclear in a month (well just had to get that in) and she is gorgeous and I will tell her that everyday. Life seems pretty shit for you....I know what that feels like all though I definately DO NOT know what it's like to be you. I hope oyu can find some kind of solace here. Personally I feel it saved me. thats another story though. Love frannybabeXXXXXXXXX Glitter rules!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by Falling Hawk on Thu Mar 15 12:50:25 2001 (#4665)

Hey. a girl from this board is in the hospital is in the hospital because of OD. i was a few weeks back but then i found this message board. As fran said it sounds like your life is pretty shitty. but i think everyones is. my dad found out i cut last night. i'm scared shitless!! i begged him not to tell my mom. he said we'll keep it a secret for a little while but then he'll have to tell her. well i have to go. Stay safe and put a smile on your face. were all hear for you and love you:) XX

Lots of love ~nicole~

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by Strider on Thu Mar 15 21:18:23 2001 (#4671)

That certainly is quite the sequence of events. I can imagine the stress thst goes along with it. I can't imagine how someone can be accused of helping "too" much. From my experience, this board is not like that at all. If that were the case, I'd have been gone a long time ago. I do know B&D... kind of. She doesn't post often enough for me to know her that well, unfortunately. It's too bad that you had to leave you're home, and am glad to welcome you to ours. And, it's not vain to think that you have worth, because to the people around you, you obviously do. Oh, and byt the way, I love poetic ramblings.

prayers, Colin

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by alligatorbumps (another newbie) on Thu Mar 15 23:46:14 2001 (#4676)

shuffling self-consciously into a new board...following my friend necrosis here...will sometimes get into a crazy (nonsense to some) ramblings as well at times...will help when I can...

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 02:11:15 2001 (#4682)

Hello there. I welcome you as I welcomed necrosis. And like I said to him, ramblings are fine with me.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:27:18 2001 (#4698)

welcome

Re: newbie!!!
Posted by sharon on Sat Mar 17 03:15:34 2001 (#4727)

hey newbies, welcome! and be as helpful as you want! feel free to send me poetry anytime, i love it!

hugs,

sharon

Help!!
Posted by Falling Hawk on Thu Mar 15 13:24:08 2001 (#4666)

Um ii took 2 namy pills amnd now i have been ffffeeelling reallt dizzy and i caant hear good out of eather ofmy ears. id thar bad???

Re: Help!!
Posted by Kate on Thu Mar 15 16:41:54 2001 (#4667)

Yes thats bad. See a doctor. IT'll be okay.

Love, Kate

Re: Help!!
Posted by Strider on Thu Mar 15 21:30:13 2001 (#4672)

It is pretty bad. Just go to the hospital to see a doctor and you'll be Ok.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Help!!
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 16 02:26:01 2001 (#4684)

I hope you feel better soon

Re: Help!!
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:28:13 2001 (#4699)

um, yeah! this is a day late, but i really hope that you are ok!

Blah..
Posted by Crimson Razors on Thu Mar 15 18:00:35 2001 (#4668)

Hello, im new to the whole message board thing but I just thought I would write something in here because, well because im bored and don't want to go to school.Well I have to go now..sorry this wasn't anything worth anyones time..not that anything I ever write really is but I will write more later. -Crimson Razors

Re: Blah..
Posted by Strider on Thu Mar 15 21:48:08 2001 (#4673)

Don't worry, we all have to start somewhere, and your better off that it be here than elsewhere! Feel free to write whatever, whenever. It's always worth the time for me to read, in my opinion.

prayers, Colin

Re: Blah..
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 16 00:21:21 2001 (#4678)

Hey there! How are ya? Tell us about yourself! Stay strong! Alana

Re: Blah..
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:29:04 2001 (#4700)

welcome! we are all here to listen and reply!

noooooooo
Posted by Falling Hawk on Thu Mar 15 23:23:49 2001 (#4674)

I have a new school guidence councler and now she told my dad everything i told her. i'm so fucken screwed HELP

Re: noooooooo
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 02:05:42 2001 (#4681)

Oh no. I can't believe she did that! Arghhhh, why are these people so stupid! People like your councilor, and ithers really anger me. All I can say or do is to let you know that none of us will breech your trust. Tell us what happens!

love and prayers, Colin

DON'T YOU DARE GO BACK
Posted by Fran on Fri Mar 16 14:58:04 2001 (#4696)

What kind of fucking councellor is she?. Obviously she has some divine intervention right. And Of corse she knows just whats it's like to be Nicole...so she can take it all into her own hands. Is she screwed up or what. The fact is she could be putting you in Danger, she doesn't know what goes on behind closed, not that I'm saying it does. But there's very few people I've ever told about the violence in my home, I've never told my councellor or my psychiatrist.

Nicole...DO NOT GO BACK TO HER....just flatly refuse to go to her councelling sessions...you have to make her realise what she's done is wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. And if you do feel some kind of commitment to her (which I think you shouldn't) tell her you won't come back until you can trust her.

BUT she's done it once she'll do it again. YOu have to find a new counceollor. Good luck babe LOve Fran

Re: DON'T YOU DARE GO BACK
Posted by Kate on Fri Mar 16 17:04:52 2001 (#4697)

I wish to be a school counselor someday if I'm not a teacher. I hope to do a better job than she did.

Re: noooooooo
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:31:08 2001 (#4701)

oh sweetie conslers arent alowed to tell anythign to anybody unless its really serious. if you told her that you want to die and want to commit sucicde, than she had to tell. i am really sorry, and i know how uncomfertable it can be in your own house now. i really hope you everythign is ok. the same thing happened to me, so i feel the pain., good luck

Re: noooooooo
Posted by gnimia on Fri Mar 16 18:09:10 2001 (#4707)

i agree with Fran, if at ALL possible you shouldnt go back to this counsellour, except maybe to tell her that she should ahve protexcted your privacy, and to get the phone number of someone else. if you hadnt told her that you were going to hurt yourself or someone else, then it is illegal (here) for her to tell youre dad. even if you are under seveteen. take care, and try to find someone tha can help you. there is always someone. xx

Re: noooooooo
Posted by sharon on Sat Mar 17 03:20:11 2001 (#4728)

sweetie, i'm so so soooo sorry she violated your trust like that, we're here for you, ok? let us know how it works out.

hugs,

sharon

Hi
Posted by Carlos on Thu Mar 15 23:36:05 2001 (#4675)

I'm new to the board. Falling Hawk is friend of mine and I thought I post a hello. She's doing fine now.

Re: Hi
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 02:17:03 2001 (#4683)

Wow, quite the infux of people in the past while. Welcome aboard, Carlos. I'm glad FH is doing better.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Hi
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:32:07 2001 (#4702)

carlos, thats a cool, name, but anyways, thanks for the infor on falling hawk, come here and post more often to, we would love the hear from you!

Re: Hi
Posted by sharon on Sat Mar 17 03:22:34 2001 (#4729)

hey, welcome to the board! (ok, this gets pretty repetitive doesn't it?) anyway, thanks for the info and post anytime!

hugs,

sharon

Missing it...
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 16 00:19:26 2001 (#4677)

I am missing my cuts very much right now. Everytime my cuts heal, and my scars start to fade, i get anxious and worry. i don't know why I worry, you would think that i'd be happy that I don't scar that bad, and that they are dissappearing, but I'm not at all. I need them. As stupid as that may sound. I love them. They mean so much to me, and without them I'm alone. All I want to do is cut myself up everywhere, till there is no more room left to cut. I need to cut.

Re: Missing it...
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 16 00:32:30 2001 (#4680)

I know how you feel, Alana. When my cuts would start to heal I'd put tape over them and rip it off to open them again. I never ever let them heal and now I'm paying for it. Because it's been three months since my last cut and my scars are still really bad. :( I just wanted you to know, that you don't HAVE to cut. You do it to feel better, to feel a release. You just have to find something else that makes you feel that way. What I did - I started writing. I wrote poetry, I wrote in a journal. I could write FUCK THE WORLD in the journal and feel better - the same way I felt when I cut. I just want you to try something like that. Try writing in a journal - you'd be surprised how much it helps. But please don't cut. You're stronger than that, I know it. Please be strong. I'm praying for your strength. God speed.

Doris

Re: Missing it...
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 02:26:07 2001 (#4685)

Oh Alana, it's not crazy. Every time that my cuts turn to scars, I feel the need to make more. It's like I don't feel right if I don't have a wound to tend to. It is the lonely ness that does it. The bad combination of nothing to do, and nobody to do it with. I understand, I've been feeling that ALOT lately. Just do anything else to occupy yourself. Keep busy, just do something. Please try it.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Missing it...
Posted by alligatorbumps on Fri Mar 16 11:22:06 2001 (#4694)

yeah, I seem to cut every time the last one doesn't hurt anymore...mine take a long time to go away b/c I saw (or use nails) back and forth, burning and irritating as I cut...there was a time I stopped for about a year, but then I began to hate life for more reasons and really don't want to live anymore...been biding time hoping that life will be better even if I don't believe it will be...a depressed, pessimistic optomist maybe...weird... even if the scars vanish, the memories don't...I find that it doesn't help anymore...nothing does...so I don't know why I still do it...sometimes I know I do it so that I'm aware of my pain at all times b/c I act so cheery throughout the day...I think all but one person would be shocked that I still cut (no one knows I still do) and would like to die... that's the truth of it...not going to tell you things are going to get better b/c sometimes they don't, you just have to hope they do alligatorbumps

Re: Missing it...
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:33:25 2001 (#4703)

i understand. how they can contol your life, and how it makes everything better. i understand completly. good luck

Re: Missing it...
Posted by sharon on Sat Mar 17 03:26:00 2001 (#4730)

yeah, i know what you're talking about. if i don't have a cut on my body i feel incomplete. as stupid as that sounds. i wonder why? oh well, hope everything turns out ok.

hugs,

sharon

I have come to some interesting conclusions
Posted by Teresa on Fri Mar 16 03:03:32 2001 (#4686)

I decided to sit down and analyze why my need to cut has returned with such force. I really don't think that for me, at this point, it has as much to do with coping as it does with other things. First of all, I am a total addict when it comes to cutting. I feel like an alcoholic who is sober, but it has been recent enough since the last time that he can still FEEL the sensations of taking a drink. That's how I feel about cutting. That first cut ... well enough of that train of thought. The next thing I realized about my present need to cut is more complicated. I have abuse in my past and I learned at an early age how to check out when in physical danger. I perfected that skill in highschool when I would screww anything that moved. But I haven't had to utilize that skill in such a long time that I don't know if I still can. I think I still want to see if I am in control of what I allow my body to feel and what I cut it off from. I think these issues are where my current need to cut is coming from. Of course, not being a proffessional, I could just be full of shit. Well, at least i gave my mind something to distract itself with for one more day.

Re: I have come to some interesting conclusions
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 03:41:44 2001 (#4688)

Hmm, you might not be a professional yet, but if you keep it up you'll be one in no time! I'm at the attict stage now as well. There are times when it's a coping thing, but the addiction is the main thing right now. I often liken it too alcoholism as well. And even if you are full of crap (though I doubt it), it is a god distraction, isn't it?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I have come to some interesting conclusions
Posted by a.z. on Wed Mar 21 21:51:22 2001 (#4975)

hey...i really enjoy hearing your insights, especially your thoughts around the addiction portion as opposed to strictly coping reasons, ya know? i sure am feeling like an addict who has fallen off the wagon...i guess if i can tackle this, there aren't too many things in the world i can't do, eh? keep those insights comin! a.z.

dying on the inside
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 16 03:18:28 2001 (#4687)

I think the subject speaks for itself

Re: dying on the inside
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 03:47:07 2001 (#4689)

Oh Alana. I hope you feel better. If you read this, IM me, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: dying on the inside
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:40:54 2001 (#4704)

true

Boredom Hands me my Razor
Posted by Crimson Razors on Fri Mar 16 05:02:40 2001 (#4690)

Hello again. Im really bored right now..So I think as soon as im finnished turning myself into a cow from eating this damn good cheese cake..(moo)Im gonna cut..And I just thought I would post that random thought because well im bored and it's something to do..hmm wonder what cheese cake and blood would taste like...anywho..Um if anyone wants to write back..feel free. Im bored out of my mind.

Re: Boredom Hands me my Razor
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 05:09:55 2001 (#4692)

OK, how about not cutting? Talk to me instead, OK? Im on the AOL IM as UndeadLine, so IM me, OK? Boredom is a killer. I know.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Boredom Hands me my Razor
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:42:51 2001 (#4705)

hahaha, sorry that moo thing was so cool. hmm, i dont know... im afraid to find out though, because i would have to cut, and im trying to stop (haha) like i said, trying, well write back, because like you, im bored

I'm such a spaz
Posted by Cate on Fri Mar 16 05:09:50 2001 (#4691)

I am the most paranoid person ever, it's horrible. I got a manicure today, and the whole time I was convinced the lady was trying to get a better look at my wrist, it was so ridiculous, I kept thinking she was like "out to get me" or something, if she saw, she wouldn't care anyway, and I doubt she even spoke all that much english, I'm such a spaz I'm the type of paranoid person who walks down the hall, hears people laughing and I think its at me, which is completely stupid, but I'm convinced everyone hates me, I'm such a failure at absolutely everything, and food is so evil I hate it! geeze this is becoming depressing, sorry! why am I such a super-freak? argh (this doesn't make sense, sorry, jsut ignore it I spose) be safe *hug* cate

Re: I'm such a spaz
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 07:08:22 2001 (#4693)

I know exactly what you're talking about. In my mind EVERYONE was out to get me. Every whisper or unheard conversation was about me, and how much everyone hated me. Of course, it wasn't really like that. Most of the stuff that really bothered me, I found out later that it was only in my own mind. I was convinced that EVERYONE hated me. Even my own parents. I found that it wasn't true of course. Things like that are the hardest to deal with, becasue they're internal. All I can advise is to talk about it.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I'm such a spaz
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 17:50:57 2001 (#4706)

i feel that all the time, walking down the street, when im at my oboe lesson, every time im talking to some one i feel that and i think that.. so you're not alone

Re: I'm such a spaz
Posted by sharon on Sat Mar 17 03:34:11 2001 (#4731)

ok, if there was an insecurity prize, i'd get it!!! but you know what i realized? think of how much you actually think of other ppl (appearance-wise, etc) not a lot, so those ppl probably don't really think about you either. ok, that made sense in my head!!! well, just contributing my meaningless thought for the day!

hugs,

sharon

Smiling for him
Posted by none on Fri Mar 16 19:02:23 2001 (#4708)

Your laughing at me again. It makes me feel good that I can’t stand up with out your help. I don’t want to smile for you anymore. Why do I have to be happy for you to love me? You’re never around when I need you. You don’t want to deal with it. You politely ask me if I can cover up those scars when you are around. Don’t want to look at something that so desperately screams out help me. You know I’ve been falling for a while now but as long as it doesn’t interfere with your life and your plans for me it’s okay. You use it against me. Sometimes I wish I could forget you. Forget the looks you would give me when you saw me cry. Have to smile. You always would say I was your dark winged angel. You believe in breaking women in. I don’t want to see you anymore but you are all I have. I don’t know if I believe in nice men. I’m too young to be going through this but I don’t think anyone is ever old enough to go through anything. I’m emotionally weak because of my gender or something. You don’t listen to what I have to say. You don’t want anything that has to do with something personal. Use and abuse it’s been the story of my life and you don’t care. You know that I have no one to go to and no one else to take care of me. So I’ll just stay your dark winged angel. It’s kinda silly because I don’t have any wings. Running red again I’m trying to escape you. You’ll just walk into the bathroom and whisper in my ears how useless I am and how I’m nothing with out you.

Re: Smiling for him
Posted by beautiful and dying on Fri Mar 16 20:10:56 2001 (#4709)

i sooo know how you feel...you're a talneted writer and i'm jealous.... don't stop fighting...men are SCUM...heehee read Valerie Solanus's SCUM manifesto...(the society for the cutting up of men) you do not have to be happy for anyone! love and my best sunday dress xxxxxxx

Re: Smiling for him
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 16 20:43:12 2001 (#4711)

that was amazing

To strider xxx
Posted by beautiful and dying on Fri Mar 16 20:13:05 2001 (#4710)

hey honey...i do come here a lot, i just don't post much... i hear you've been pretty sad recently...i'm sorry...you're really nice, you hold this place together most of the time...i figure you're a really nice person, so don't give up, you deserve to be happy...xxxxxxkissesxxxxxx

Re: To strider xxx
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 22:28:24 2001 (#4715)

Hey, thanks alot. I have been feeling paticulary bad this past while. Lonely and bored. It's not very condusive to being happy, but I keep trying. Thanks again, to all of you that have been helping me through this. If it wasn't for the people I met here, well, I can only imagine.

love and prayers, Colin

OMG..... i cant just say no can i???
Posted by Falling hawk on Fri Mar 16 21:12:14 2001 (#4712)

Okay there were these 3 girls that came up to me after school and started asking if i have ever smoked anything b4, i'm like yeah of course you were there you loser. there like well your already FucKed up. so hear try some X. i'm like who the hell do you think i am, i may cut and starve myself and Overdose but X. after a while i gave in and i still have it with me. on the couch next to me. it is so tempting and i no i really want it. but i'm only 13 and my life is already FUcked up enough!! what should i do?? HELPPPP

Re: OMG..... i cant just say no can i???
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 22:08:17 2001 (#4713)

Fo the love of God FH, GET RID OF IT!! NOW! PLEASE! Don't get into that! Get off the computer right now, and destroty it! Do whatever you have to to get rid of it! Please! You don't have to get into that!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: OMG..... i cant just say no can i???
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 16 22:08:46 2001 (#4714)

love and prayers, Colin

Re: OMG..... i cant just say no can i???
Posted by none on Sat Mar 17 00:45:09 2001 (#4718)

Okay listen apparantly things are bad enough this will just make it worse. I can guarentee that. It might be okay at first but thats how everything is. Get rid of it. Take Colin's advice. Whatever you do we are all here for you. If you do decided to take it then thats ok and we'll move on but it is a much better idea not to. Email me if you want.

Re: OMG..... i cant just say no can i???
Posted by sharon on Sat Mar 17 03:40:52 2001 (#4732)

sweetie, DON"T GIVE IN TO IT!!! it'll just make stuff worse, it'll be another addiction that you gotta fight, then you have to deal with the guilt. it's not the answer, you hear? please please please don't do it.

hugs,

sharon

Re: OMG..... i cant just say no can i???
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 00:24:01 2001 (#4797)

sweetie, the best thing you have relized is that you did something worng, that is the hardest part to relize this, in time it will get easie but right now is going to be soo hard, so please, just hang in there ok, just hang in there

survivor
Posted by Jess on Fri Mar 16 23:54:35 2001 (#4716)

Hey ppl.Today i met a person who made me want to live.I have strong feelings for him (even though i dont know him that well)I dont know, but spending an afternoon with him has made me feel so good about myself.He don't know how i feel but i want to try and tell him on monday.He's 2/3 years older than me which will put me well out of his range.I could cope with just friends.I cant believe how good he made me feel.How can a person do that?Collin also has the same effects on me.Thanks man x.I'm feeling positive at the min so bring it on!

Jess

Re: survivor..colin
Posted by Alana on Sat Mar 17 00:03:14 2001 (#4717)

Hey Colin, another fan....

Re: survivor..colin...ditto
Posted by none on Sat Mar 17 00:47:15 2001 (#4719)

ditto

Re: survivor
Posted by ignorance is bliss on Mon Mar 19 00:28:55 2001 (#4798)

awww sweetie, no one is out of you're age if you love them, and also being guys mature slower than us girls (eh, sorry boys) so its natural to be a bit older. dont worry about age, jsut worry about what you want!~

Best friends and secrets
Posted by none on Sat Mar 17 01:00:00 2001 (#4720)

I’m a small china doll. Maybe I’m broken or just looking in the wrong mirror. Thought I saw you nearby but maybe I was wrong. Don’t know what to do. Some pieces just don’t fit. Maybe it’s because you fell with me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you fall. It was just another secret that best friends share. No secrets we promised. I wish it was a promise I hadn’t kept. Now there are pieces of you on the ground. Hard, cold tears fall from are shattered faces. Best friends forever in this broken harmony. I don’t know how to put either of us together. I’m so sorry I brought you down with me. It’s just another secret that we’ll share. Now it really is blood that holds us together. It’s all run together now and I’m sorry I brought you down.

Re: Best friends and secrets
Posted by Alana on Sat Mar 17 02:15:47 2001 (#4726)

How come I can't come up with stuff like that. Just know that I feel that too. Everything you've ever written, well...you aren't alone on any of it. I would have said something sooner, but what could I say? Way to go. Email me sometime.

Re: Best friends and secrets
Posted by Strider on Sat Mar 17 06:43:08 2001 (#4737)

If this means what I think it does, then I am so sorry. I am so sorry it had to happen that way.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Best friends and secrets
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 00:34:19 2001 (#4799)

thats an amazing poem. please share more. its so discriptive, while yet it hides the meaning to those who are ignorant and blind to it. wow

Alana + none
Posted by Jess on Sat Mar 17 01:26:30 2001 (#4721)

I don't want to sound horrible but what's your problem?

Re: Alana + none
Posted by Alana on Sat Mar 17 01:54:56 2001 (#4723)

You don't have to get all defensive. Its a joke. Geeezzz, what's your problem? Uhmmm, just making an observation that everyone I guess you could say has a thing for Colin. Nothing personal to you. Holy crap, don't get your knickers in a twist over this.

one more thing
Posted by Alana on Sat Mar 17 02:02:27 2001 (#4725)

YOu know what...you try to make a joke here and people take it the wrong way. First of all, Jess, was I even talking to you? No. If you didn't notice it was addressed to colin, so whats it to you? This is such a sad place sometimes. I think the best advice I can give to everyone is to find the good in life and right about that instead of all the bad. Its getting old. I'm not saying I'm prefect, and I don't help the situation much, but how bout we all get over this stupidness of taking everything so hard. Ok, Jess...grow up.

Re: one more thing
Posted by sharon on Sat Mar 17 03:45:32 2001 (#4733)

ok, it's really none of my business, don't take this the wrong way, but uh, this really isn't a big deal so . . . be happy, ok guys?

hugs,

sharon

Darn it,!
Posted by Strider on Sat Mar 17 06:29:34 2001 (#4735)

Awwwww man! What's going on here. Le't's just cut this out, OK? Please?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Alana + none
Posted by ignorance is bliss on Mon Mar 19 00:37:31 2001 (#4800)

knickers in a twist, hahah, im sorry but thats the best darn phrase i have heard, in a long time

Re: Alana + none
Posted by none on Sat Mar 17 23:24:43 2001 (#4752)

Um well i was just saying that colin is one of the only nice guys i know and trust. i'm sorry i offended you. i just thought it would be nice to let him know.

dear journal
Posted by Falling Hawk on Sat Mar 17 01:50:25 2001 (#4722)

to you keep a journal> if so what do you write about? my latest journal entrey was

Dear Journal,

My day was crappy. whats new, all i felt all day was pain. from being teased and seeing him, the one i loved with a nother girl. making out with her in front of my locker. this is getting old and i'm hurting more. i no i need more help but i'm 2 scared to get it. i dont no what 2 do. that was only 1st period. the rest of the day was HELL also. with all the detentions poaring in. people yelling, screaming at eachother. it really goes to your head after a while. i even got to talk to the cool people today. the ones who take drus. well i have to go to bed i'm really tired. i'll write again tomorro dear journal

Re: dear journal
Posted by Holly on Sat Mar 17 01:57:31 2001 (#4724)

aww sandy:( I hope things get better for you, I really do.

Re: dear journal
Posted by Strider on Sat Mar 17 07:03:50 2001 (#4739)

Those "cool" people you so kindly reffer to are anything but that. They are cool in thier own minds. And trust me, that's a pretty small world. Also that ex of yours seems like a real nice guy (sarcasm there). Trust me, you are SO much better than that.

I don't keep a journal, but I do occasionaly construct some pretty insane rambllings. Thanks for trusting us all enough to share your journal entries. And trust me, you are WAY too good for that guy!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: dear journal
Posted by Falling Hawk on Sat Mar 17 21:57:01 2001 (#4748)

Dear Journal, Yes again i am mixed up with these fucking drugs, i dont think i can take it anymore! i need that X. these days i think X dream X breath X. omg it is just 2 much. I got in a fight with my stupid brother. he said he wanted the drug but i said it is mine. i dont even want it. i dont think. maby i do. maby i dont. maby i just cant think right now because i have OD. i dont no what 2 do. i'll write to you later journal. bye

Re: dear journal
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 00:40:48 2001 (#4801)

yes i keep a journal. many actually. i keep one online, i keep one in my notebook, i write allk the time. though i would never be able to share it with anyone., gosh... maby i should though, thanks for the idead

mutilation will u help?please read!
Posted by Slash on Sat Mar 17 06:24:43 2001 (#4734)

does anyone feel like me all i have is my razor and musik i get critcized from everyone for it noone will let me be noone off them care for me and i know what the helll im doing mutilation is very importment to me usaull;y pple dont see it like this this is why im posting this mutilation is my life each one of beautiful scars stands for sumthing for sum ingret human being that hurt to the point i have to inflict pain into myself i cut my arms tummy and chest i just want sumone to talk to about it that feels as i do bneen loking for a while:sighjs: well maybe im the onbly one well email me im here to listen blahblah slice and dice forever slash

Re: mutilation will u help?please read!
Posted by Strider on Sat Mar 17 06:35:36 2001 (#4736)

I'm talking to you on AIM right now, so a post is pretty redundant.

prayers, Colin

Re: mutilation will u help?please read!
Posted by simon on Sun Mar 18 04:21:25 2001 (#4760)

i don't cut, i burn, but yeah, music,a candle,and a needle, it can be awesome. (tho not at the moment, see posted message). the scars i've got, i can put a name on most of them, where people have pissed me off.and people (non-harmers) just don't understand at all! you can email me anytime if you wanna talk, tho may take a couple of days to reply-this ain't my pc, it's my neighbours, but he's kool if you want to mail me.

Re: mutilation will u help?please read!
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 00:46:20 2001 (#4802)

sweetie are you ok? i am always here to talk and i will alwasy reply, usually im a bit quicker than this, but i was away. but anyways. email me or im me ok~!

mutialtion read~
Posted by slash on Sat Mar 17 06:48:57 2001 (#4738)

god satan shit err im so fucking mad...as i said in my earlier post i need sumone to talk to is there anyone that feels like me no FELT Llike me or USED TO fell like me thats still does itsa like everyone founds happiness in myopinion it doesnt exist its all in the mind bunch f bull pple force themselfs to believe bc they cant handle the truth and when they caN they called "crazy" grr well just posting my opinion grr im going go:sighs: slash

Re: mutialtion read~
Posted by anonymous on Sun Mar 18 04:29:49 2001 (#4761)

so why don't you tell us exactly how you feel and what things you're trying to connect to people with...I'm sure people would like to talk sad, angry, depressed, lost, abused, not good enough, love cutting, cope by cutting, hate cutting but nothing else works?

just trying to be helpful

Re: mutialtion read~
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 00:48:09 2001 (#4803)

hey there, i can handle the truth, and at one point, i felt just like you, ok, so i know how it feels., so dont think no one is here for you, please im me, i understnad. i really do!

?
Posted by Jess on Sat Mar 17 13:21:45 2001 (#4740)

Dont take this personally it's not worthit. For a start, i know that message was to colin i'm not stupid.But i started this thing so i wondered what was up with it. Just ignore whatever i post cos it doesnt matter.Never has ,Never will.I have grown up and i've learned what i have to do.Thats leave this fucking world

Re: ?
Posted by gnimia on Sat Mar 17 14:37:38 2001 (#4741)

Please dont do that. these arguments are not that important, compared with all of us learning to look after ourselves. it doenst matter who started it, or who finishes it. just that you are careful and "good". you dont have to do anything, or even feel like you have to do anything. please listen to me, or anyone else on the board. there are less things solved or even halved by suicide than any of us can imagine. take care. email me or IM me @ ingramamy@yahoo.com or the above address. anytime. xx

Re: ?
Posted by Falling Hawk on Sat Mar 17 15:23:14 2001 (#4742)

Leaving this fucking world? that sounds good, i'll come with you :(

(fuck this Dan where are you:( i need your love :()

Re: ?
Posted by Alana on Sat Mar 17 19:59:07 2001 (#4744)

Don't take it so personally. Cmon, thats just stupid. If you leave this world struggling with something, whether it be a addiction or something else, you will be paying for it in eternity. Thats why you can't kill yourself. Do you want to feel this way for eternity? I don't think so. So just forget about it. I have. Its not that big of a deal, so don't make it out to be.

Re: ?
Posted by Strider on Sat Mar 17 21:44:20 2001 (#4746)

Jess, listen to me, this whole thing is stupid, OK? Let's just all forget it before it grows into something, OK? And don't you dare leave on me! You're purpose in life is not to end it! Trust me on this! Jess, don't let one little thing ruin it all, please. Keep coming back, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: ?
Posted by none on Sat Mar 17 23:28:57 2001 (#4753)

Hey no worries. I didn't mean to offend anyone. It's already forgetten. What? What thing about Colin? See... i've already given the whole thing up. You and what you post does matter. It matters to me. Email me if you want. None

Re: ?
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 00:51:40 2001 (#4804)

ohh sweetie, i am here, and dont leave. i dont want you to leave. trust me, and i understand about this whole "colin" thing, been there and dont that, so im me,

msn = phish_visor

aim = phish visor

aol = renthead020

Mental hospital
Posted by Falling Hawk on Sat Mar 17 15:39:51 2001 (#4743)

Have you ever been in one?

My dad might be sending me to one:( I'm not crazy!

Re: Mental hospital
Posted by 2cute on Sat Mar 17 21:52:45 2001 (#4747)

Don't worry about it I'm sure you'll be fine!

Re: Mental hospital
Posted by Teresa on Sat Mar 17 23:18:21 2001 (#4751)

Yes. I spent 5 days in a mental hospital lat year. It wasn't so bad, but I was in the adult section as opposed to adolescent, so it was less security. Adolescent is stricter.

Re: Mental hospital
Posted by Alana on Sun Mar 18 00:04:42 2001 (#4754)

It might be a good thing. I think it will be great for you. I wish my parents took me that seriously. Good luck.

Lots of love, Alana

Re: Mental hospital
Posted by Cheze2 on Sun Mar 18 00:15:45 2001 (#4756)

yes i have been in 2 hospitals, one for 3 weeks, e-mail me i can give you all the information you need. they aren't as bad as people note them to be. and i was in the adolesent services so i could probably relate to you.

-amanda-

Re: Mental hospital
Posted by slash on Sun Mar 18 00:15:19 2001 (#4755)

yes been there done that i hate it i dont understand it at all...teenagers can snort everything..or smoke everything therenot crazy girls can be sluts and fuck everyone there not crazy but i scar myself im insane hate the worlds and its society but what can i do....who no's hope your dad doesnt send you..bloody hugs slash

Re: Mental hospital
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:01:57 2001 (#4805)

me, no, but i have the constent (spelling) fear that i will be sent to one every day by my parents too

I've been there
Posted by Angel on Sat Mar 17 21:25:32 2001 (#4745)

Hey. My name is Angel. I'm new here but I know what everyone is going through. I've been there many times. I used to cut and burn myself. If you ever want someone to talk too I'm here.

Re: I've been there
Posted by Falling Hawk on Sat Mar 17 22:00:25 2001 (#4749)

Hey, can you im me?? i need all the help i can get. (or e mail me)
:-(

Re: I've been there
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:02:48 2001 (#4806)

im here to talk too, so im me too!

stop the clocks, the wait is over
Posted by Teresa on Sat Mar 17 22:55:20 2001 (#4750)

I cut for the first time since August. I'm not sure why. It wasn't bad at all and I've done much much worse in the past, but still... I feel like such a failure. But mostly I feel foolish and I feel like i need to apologize for myself, but I don't know to who. So I guess I'll just apologize to the abyss. I am soooo sorry for my life.

Re: stop the clocks, the wait is over
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:11:04 2001 (#4807)

dont apologize, there is no reason to apologize. each one of us has made that one cut that we didnt want to make, we all have been there, so dont be so hard on yourself

I USE TO VISIT HERE!!!!! ;)YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Posted by Nuni on Sun Mar 18 03:26:28 2001 (#4757)

To all, I once came here like you all, at first looking on and then venturing in by pouring my feelings. I am 27 years old and I started cutting when I was 14..so off and on I have lived this way. I am going through therapy now, and have gone without cutting for almost three months. I want all of you to know that this place did help me, and I was here when CANADA was created. A lot of those who posted here have moved on but I would like to share the house. IT has many rooms, and many memories. Everyone is welocome and the way it works is you must invite someone along to guide you there. You bring your favorite person, thing, music whatever you like and it is with you. There you will be safe, and there no one will judge you. I have been there, the pain, the shame and the guilt. The aftermath after self-injury. BE safe, I am here for you when and if you need me. HUGS!! Nuni p.s. my IM name is TurtlesCor

Please READ!!!
Posted by Nuni on Sun Mar 18 08:13:30 2001 (#4776)

this is getting out of control, and i can't stop.
Posted by simon on Sun Mar 18 03:49:55 2001 (#4758)

i've been self harming now for 6 years, and this year alone i've s.h'd more than what i've ever done in previous years put together. and i can't stop.so much pressure is being put on me by everybody to sort my life out and stop s.h'ing, that they're all making me even worse, and they don't see it. yeah, they see the scars, but no-one understands that they need to back off cuz this is gonna continue. i don't know if this is just me, but when i'm s.h'ing, the more i do, the more i want to do, sort of an addiction i guess.and that's where one of the problems lies, cuz i really don't want to die-hence i'm not on the suicidal board, but i don't know if i'm gonna go too far. and that worries me more, so i self harm more. this is an impossible situation.i've seeked all the appropiate medical attention, and they either really don't seem bothered by it, or they're shoving me into a therapy group full of bored housewives on prozac, who have no comprehansion of wanting to inflict serious burns on their body. and that's another thing, my arms are so scarred now, i've moved onto my legs. if anyone has ANY suggestions on how i can curb this period i'm going through, i'm not looking to stop s.h'ing altogether (tho that would be nice), just, at the moment, to reduce the amount of times it's happening, please reply. thanks.

Re: this is getting out of control, and i can't st
Posted by Nuni on Sun Mar 18 04:16:34 2001 (#4759)

I know what you mean. It is hard to stop doing something you rely on. I know when I use to cut it brought relief, and I felt better momentarily.. In time I think you have seen that you only feel worse. Please dont beat yourself up for SI'ing, dont you think you have done enough to your flesh? Its ok to cut, and its wrong to stop because soemone tells you too. It is what you (we) use for coping. Dont give up. I use to cut , and I havent for almost 3months. I slipped the other day and could have caused damage but I pulled through. You come here because there is hope for you. I hope I have helped you. You are not alone, and feel free to e-mail me if you like. Take care, hugs, Nuni

Re: this is getting out of control, and i can't st
Posted by alligatorbumps on Sun Mar 18 04:49:13 2001 (#4762)

is there anything at all that makes you happy? I mean, I know sometimes I avoid all things that make me happy b/c I just don't want to be cheered up... I was able to stop for almost a year...in my situation I feel very unwanted and just not good enough to keep going on, but when I fell in love about 3 yrs ago I was cutting...about 5, 6 months later I cut his initial by my heart and b/c I knew I had his love with me I didn't cut much at all, maybe once or twice the next 6, 8 months...then we broke up...it was okay for a while, but then I started again (year and a half ago)...it's pretty bad at the moment and I'm in a worse frame of mind... the whole point was that something did make me feel better...then there are smaller things that make me happier, but I avoid them when I want to cut... is there anything you can think of that makes you a little happier or is a pretty good distraction? be well alligatorbumps

Re: this is getting out of control, and i can't st
Posted by Alana on Sun Mar 18 05:03:00 2001 (#4763)

Everything you said...I can't even describe it. Its everything i feel inside of me. Not just in my head, but I can feel it all in my stomach. And like you I don't want to stop cutting myself, I just don't want to need it all the time and to find a way to feel ok sometimes. I'll email u later with more about me and how I feel about what you wrote. Please stay strong. Hey, you need something to do, write to me. That always helps me. Lots of Love, Alana

Re: this is getting out of control, and i can't st
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 22:16:22 2001 (#4787)

Tou're right, once you start it's hard to stop. The more you do it the more you want to do it. I hate it. That's one of the reasons it's so hard to stop, I think. I know that for me, If I'm bored (which is all the time right now) that it really gets to me. Try to find something to do that will occupy your time (if that's the problem). I'm having the same problem. I've cut more in the past little while than I ever have since I was 12 (I'm 19 now). Just try not to give yourself an oppertunity to cut by doing something else. That's all I can recommend.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: this is getting out of control, and i can't st
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:26:22 2001 (#4808)

hey there, i dont really know if you remember me but i was here, befor you left. I havent been cutting for as long as you. but just to let you know i will always be here to talk. i have scared arms, and i know how it feels to try to hide it, to move on with life, i understand, so talk to me, maby we can help each other

Re: this is getting out of control, and i can't st
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 01:58:01 2001 (#4820)

THANKYOU to all who replied. still did some burning today tho.(what can i say, i'm a lost cause!)oh, yeah, i've changed my email address.

Alone
Posted by Alana on Sun Mar 18 05:16:57 2001 (#4764)

Sorry guys, I know I promised to write about good things that happen in life and I will. I promise. But i can't right now. I'm way to deep into this feeling of needing to feel that razor cold against my skin, drag it along, and watch my skin spread apart and see that first drop of blood just running down my wrist. Nothing more beautiful than that. Its been so long. Actually it hasn't, I think 11 days. But thats eternity in SI world eh? i don't know if anyone understands this. Just know I'm trying to distract myself. It doesn't seem to be working the best. Thanks for listening! Happy St Patricks Day! (for the irish...yay...thats me!) Alana

Re: Alone
Posted by none on Sun Mar 18 06:22:50 2001 (#4768)

You don't have to write good stuff if you don't feel good. Everyone has to vent. Congratulations on 11 days. Hey I'm Irish too! Well partly but proud of it. Feel free to email me with good stuff, bad stuff, poetry, etc. None

Re: Alone
Posted by Nuni on Sun Mar 18 08:06:54 2001 (#4773)

Hi, I posted above about posting here before. Please read, I am more than willing to help. if you want me to. Its great that you have gone w/out cutting. I am proud of you. Nuni

Re: Alone
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 22:20:32 2001 (#4788)

Sorry I wasn't here for you.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Alone
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:28:48 2001 (#4809)

its been about 11 for me too, and i know how hard it is to go on with out it. so im me, lets talk, and though its a day late, happy st p day to you too!

lightweight!!!
Posted by martha on Sun Mar 18 05:35:09 2001 (#4765)

GOD, compared to all these personal stories on here i feel like i have no business being a person with SI! what the fuck AM i??? do i even have a problem!?!?!? gaaaaahhhhh

Re: lightweight!!!
Posted by none on Sun Mar 18 06:20:27 2001 (#4767)

Of course you do. Trust me. I don't know how to put into words exactly what I want to say but come back if you want. Email me if you want. None

Re: lightweight!!!
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 22:31:06 2001 (#4789)

Martha, I'll tell you what I tell everyone else I know that cuts. There is no such thing as levels of SI. You either do it or you don't. It doesn't matter if you scratch the surface of the skin, or cut to the muscle, it's all the same. The feeling behind it is the same, that's what matters. Peronaly, my life isn't as bad as most of the people on the board, but I cut bad. It's really an internal thing. So, that said, don't let that stop you from posting here, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: lightweight!!!
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:32:25 2001 (#4810)

oh sweetie we all belong here. each persons problems are differnt for every person. something that is easy for you, may be sooo tough for another person. so please... please dont worry. please im me on aol, aim ( phish visor ) or on msn ( phish_visor ) i WILL ALWAYS BE HERE ok, ALWAYS

I did it again
Posted by Teresa on Sun Mar 18 05:41:55 2001 (#4766)

I can't belive I'm saying this, but I cut yet again. I posted earlier today saying that I cut this morning for the first time in months. Now I'm posting againbecause I just finished cutting again and I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I don't get it. I AM SO FUCKED UP!!!

Re: I did it again
Posted by none on Sun Mar 18 06:25:02 2001 (#4769)

Well I don't know what to say. Well I'm here for you and congratulations on making it so long. You rock! Thats very good so don't be too hard on yourself. Feel free to email me. None

Re: I did it again
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 22:37:15 2001 (#4791)

Oh Teresa, I'm so sorry. Talk to me on AIM, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I did it again
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:35:36 2001 (#4811)

HEY! dont say that, ok, you are not fucked up so dont ever say that ok, NEVER., you are fine, you did what human nature calls us too, no one is fucked up, ok. please understand that, you stoped and you started, so what... please understand, and instant message me on msn please!!!! ( phish_visor ) ok! thank you so much

Re: I did it again
Posted by a.z. on Wed Mar 21 22:23:05 2001 (#4981)

i hear ya...the more time between cuts, the harder that first one back lands. just love yourself. sometimes i think cutting is loving myself...but that may be totally stupid...i just know that when i cut on monday, after 4 long years, it was the only thing i could do at that moment to get me to breathe...to just take a nice, deep, cleansing breath...some days are harder than others...hang in there! a.z.

not doing too good
Posted by LOST on Sun Mar 18 06:35:11 2001 (#4770)

i'm not doing too good. for a while now i've been pushing all of my problems into the back of my head and making myself believe that everything is going good. BUT as usual those feelings don't last long and today everything came crashing down on me and i realized that i only have myself in this world... and that kind of sucks because i, personally, am disgusted with myself... so REALLY i don't even have myself to depend on. i'm just sick of life in general......

Re: not doing too good
Posted by slash on Sun Mar 18 08:11:45 2001 (#4775)

i know what you meaN everyone is dusguited withthemselves eventually just happen they hate there look sumthing they did there personality etc..ive been trying to stop cutting even thow i sure as hell dont fucking want to never all i have is my razor but hospitals and docters dont underfuckingstnad that but i try so hard not to cut so i wont go to a hospital but theni cry and cry and never stop and the only way to is if i grab my razor and rip my skin and make my blissful blood come out so just by being a mutilater i already know you are a strong person dont think you arnt ok! well have to go slash

Re: not doing too good
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 22:52:15 2001 (#4792)

Feelings are a very screwed up thing. Bottling them up in your mind doesn't work, I've found. Try to do something other than just trying to forget about things. Do something other than cutting to release those feelings, too. Just do something to release things. But do not end your life. Please.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: not doing too good
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:45:51 2001 (#4814)

oh girl. its ok... gosh it has got to be hard. well.. im sorry but i dont know what to sayy. all i can say is that email me or instant message me.. k. thanks!

Re: not doing too good
Posted by Lost on Mon Mar 19 15:23:55 2001 (#4843)

:) thanks for responding and caring u guys :) anyway, its just gotten worse... last night i cried forever and felt sooooooooo dead inside. it sucks cuz right when i thought everything was good and i was alright, i throw myself back into this horrible depression. maybe secretly i LIKE being depressed and *I* don't even know it. Maybe *I'M* the one who causes it... i don't know! i just wanna be normal..

is anyone there?
Posted by Alana on Sun Mar 18 07:23:37 2001 (#4771)

I really need someone to talk to, is anyone there? I'm so lonely, I'm going to lose it soon. Help me please.

Re: is anyone there?
Posted by Nuni on Sun Mar 18 08:08:15 2001 (#4774)

Hi, Instant message me if you need... TurtlesCor, Nuni

I'm here
Posted by me on Sun Mar 18 07:58:52 2001 (#4772)

got to get out of my head...yeah, it's a terrible night, so happy to listen to someone else's head... have icq #6381044

Re: I'm here
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:51:20 2001 (#4817)

ummm, not to be mean, but what it icq #6381044?

HELP!!!
Posted by Falling Hawk on Sun Mar 18 13:12:37 2001 (#4777)

I'm going to do it i have to do it...help i cant stand feeling like this any more

Re: HELP!!!
Posted by Kate on Sun Mar 18 17:03:05 2001 (#4778)

Email me.

Kate

Re: HELP!!!
Posted by none on Sun Mar 18 19:45:39 2001 (#4781)

Do what! If you are talking about killing yourself don't please. Email me IM me whatever but be please take care. None

Re: HELP!!!
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 23:07:17 2001 (#4793)

Oh Fh, I pray that you're still here to read this! Please! If you can read this right now, AIM me, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: HELP!!!
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:54:29 2001 (#4818)

sweetie email me or im me, please!

why should I?
Posted by ** on Sun Mar 18 17:49:54 2001 (#4779)

I don't know why I should stop with cutting.I wanted to stop but I can't remember why I would do such a stupid thing! I'm not hurting anyone with it so give me one good reason to stop. Everybody say that it isn't healthy and that I should stop. If that's the only reason to quit than I think that everybody agrees with me when i say that i don't wanna quit.

Re: why should I?
Posted by Slash on Sun Mar 18 18:20:01 2001 (#4780)

i agree with you pple always bitching at me for doing my self-injury i mean first of all noone cares noone is fucking sincere when they say things like that i will never quit cutting only thing ever therer for me and pple are trying to ruin the only thing i have the only thing that has been there for me not screwed me completly over fuck that if sumone wants to quit cutting thats them but we shouldnt get sent to hospitals for what we do...pple smoke pple snort isnt they crazy hell yeah and whores how can u be a slut and hurt sum many pple crazy i think but not by docters err well going go bloody hugs to all slash

Re: why should I?
Posted by none on Sun Mar 18 19:49:35 2001 (#4782)

Well you don't have to if you don't want to. Besides if you do it for everyone else it won't work. Do whats best for you. Email me if you want. None

Re: why should I?
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 23:14:07 2001 (#4794)

Well, it's not really the cutting that's he problem, but the reason WHY you're cutting. Why do you feel you have to cut? That's the thing you should be trying to tackle. You are completely right, trying to quit for np reason doesn't make any sense, so just focus on the reason why you cut, and the rest will follow.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: why should I?
Posted by Cheze2 on Mon Mar 19 01:43:33 2001 (#4812)

why not to cut...hard question....i still haven't found an answer, yet i am trying to stop. i figure that if i can make one person happy, be it just a commoner on the street, by not cutting, then why the hell not? to be honest i don't want to stop. but it's a hell of a lot better than being in and out of psych hospitals. so i figure the reason will come after. who knows, is that really the question we need to ask? why do we need to stop?

Re: why should I?
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:49:58 2001 (#4816)

oh i know how it that we dont want to stop, but you wouldnt be here if you did, if somehow you didnt want to some where. talk to me, please. you seem like you would be very interesting to talk to, so email me, im me, what ever... thanks byebye

Re: why should I?
Posted by Nicke on Mon Mar 19 19:45:31 2001 (#4851)

We here are trying to provide a safe haven for ppl to come to when they feel like cutting. Use this board as a release instead of cutting.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by slash on Sun Mar 18 20:40:09 2001 (#4783)

there so beautiful and thats why i come here to speak of mutilation buring etc

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by ** on Sun Mar 18 20:58:10 2001 (#4784)

I know that they are beautiful. Everybody looks at then like their are some kinda disease. they don't understand how important they are to us

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by Alana on Sun Mar 18 21:24:07 2001 (#4785)

I definately agree with that, they are beautiful. They complete me. They represent what I've gone through and what I've felt. I need them.

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by anona1 on Sun Mar 18 22:12:21 2001 (#4786)

the cutting ones are fine, the ones from scratching through my skin with my nails are pretty ugly but show the texture of my skin

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by slash on Sun Mar 18 22:33:00 2001 (#4790)

i know what you mean i love my scars only thing i actually like on myself...but i remeber one time i was angry very didnt have a razor but i had a quater so i just used that rubbed against my skin till it bled..got to use what i have:)~ and the scar looked like i had a really bad rash but still it helped

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by WeaZLe on Sun Mar 18 23:17:02 2001 (#4795)

i agree, most of my scard are actually pretty ugly, my friends find them really disturbing. i love them though. it sounds kinda sick but i pick them so much so that they dont fade so fast. and plus, if it bleeds it saves making a new one.

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 01:44:45 2001 (#4813)

i love it in the summer when i can go out in a t-shirt and really freak people out, when they see all my scars, even more so when they're fresh. i guess i'm sort of proud of them, some took ages to do, tho some (the early ones) look a mess! and why not show them off! it's "society" that's made me do them, so "society" can see them, whether they like it or not!!! (oh, this is the same simon, just different address, finally got round to setting my own one up)

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by Strider on Sun Mar 18 23:19:36 2001 (#4796)

Personally, I don't find that a very good way to help stop cutting. But, oh well.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by Cheze2 on Mon Mar 19 01:48:03 2001 (#4815)

yes, i too love my scars, they are beautiful, so serene and comforting...

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by Tara on Tue Mar 20 01:44:47 2001 (#4887)

I do think that they are a part of who we are,but at the same time it is not a good thing to keep on doing.After a while other people do not want to talk to you because of all the marks on your body.Believe me I know.

Tara

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 01:56:14 2001 (#4819)

i am personally ashamed of my scars., so i dont see them as beatufil.. but owell

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 02:04:59 2001 (#4821)

yeah, i can at times be ashamed of them to. last week i buried my mother(it's ok, she was dead, died on the 8th, one reason i'm really burning bad), and the whole family were at the funeral, and i totally covered up my arms, as somehow no-one can make you feel as ashamed as your own family!

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 02:44:44 2001 (#4823)

why are you speaking my words? its the same....

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 02:50:04 2001 (#4827)

what?

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 02:56:13 2001 (#4830)

i said, basically. that i feel the same way about family. the same way. and its so true... they really do, even if they dont try to they really do

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by anona1 on Mon Mar 19 04:09:39 2001 (#4837)

been through a couple major deaths if you ever want to talk...family doesn't know what I do though, it would be worse

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 22:32:23 2001 (#4868)

yeah, death in the family is a real shit, and thanks for the offer! main problem at the moment is my mum was buried, which i find SO bad to deal with, like shes just rotting away, and all i can think of is at what stage of decomposition shes at. sick i know, but its screwing with my head bigtime!

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by anona1 on Tue Mar 20 07:41:23 2001 (#4910)

it'll be alright...I'm 22 and still dealing with my father's death when I was 15 and my grandmother's when I was 18...have a lot of guilt over both...yeah, pictured rotting corpses after my dad died...grandmother died while visiting and she got cold and I was too shocked to do anything when I might have been able to...

so, I've been preparing for suicide for a month now...wanting it...figuring it out...but someone cared enough to not give up on me...so to put their mind at ease I've decided not to...still might at 25 but that's another story...anyway, I decided I don't deserve to die and get off easy...I deserve to suffer a life in a world I don't fit into...so, I'm not in a better frame of mind, but at least one person can be out of all this...I'm alone in the world, but a distant voice talks to me, necrosis...

okay, so that's a little off the topic, but it's a big change for me and all happened tonight...

so my whole family's been screwed even more than it was since my father died, mom got worse after grandmother died...no one knows what I do...I'm looked to to support them all...supposed to be the strong one, the one that doesn't screw up and holds up the family name like the rest of them...mom screwed, sis screwed, I'm screwed secretly...must look good in public shouldn't I? wanted to commit suicide and say fuck all them, but it's alright...guess I deserve to suffer anyway...no one else has to more...

god, did that help at all? my thoughts don't stop easily, if at all...will be a help if I can...by the way, is simon your real name?

anyway, take care...be well

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by simon on Wed Mar 21 03:04:19 2001 (#4947)

firstly, yes, simon is my real name! and onto the whole death thing, thanks for understanding. i know only too well that feeling of not wanting to kill myself, as living in total isolation in this world is a bastard of a punishment, and i always feel like i deserve it. (ruth ellis, when handed the death sentance in court, replied "i was born alive, isn't that punishment enough?", i can relate to that!) i have less than a handful of friends, well, they're more aquaintences really, they dont understand me at all, so most of my time is spent alone, and lonliness is the best friend of self harm! so with my mother dying, and it wasnt an easy death,(cancer), and ive had/got no-one to just sit with, not really to talk to, just to be with someone, if you know what i mean? so that bit alone is difficult to deal with. then theres my family, a bunch of bitches if ever there was one!unlike you, they,mostly, know i'm a bit freakish on the mental side of things, so you'd think they'd cut me SOME slack, considering whats happened, but no!lets just pile on the pressure, see how much shit i can really take before i really go off the deep end. (CHRIST! I'M GOING ON A BIT, I DO APOLOGISE) and i am not in any way dissing you guys, you're great, but i get so fucked off when the only people willing to listen to me, and have some understanding of what i'm going through(especially the self harm), arent people at all, just words on a screen.that makes me more lonely and feeling so fucking empty, i get so suicidal. my one and only reason for not doing it once and for all, is i cant think of a way to do it, cuz if i do do it, i'm going out in style! not a sad state lying in a pool of vomit, or slashed up in a bathtub. but my mind is not willing to be that imaginative, so i stay here and suffer, in silence, burning. great life, innit!

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 21 07:15:29 2001 (#4963)

I know what you mean about being frustrated about the only people willing to listen are on this fucking machine...I also don't like to upset people in person, I'm not used to people caring...told one friend I was sad (she knew I cut in the past) but she overracted so I backed off...tried to tell another friend, but she never wants to listen to me...so I came online and started speaking to a really kind guy...though I live in NY and he lives in England so the time difference is hell b/c I usually have problems at night...anyway, I've been contemplating suicide strongly for over a month...he was really worried and scared so I decided to stay and suffer for the time being...I was also still trying to figure out a good way so that the people who found me would find me looking peaceful and not a mess...everyone in real life thinks I'm so happy and cheery...cut and scratch till bleed where no one can see...stomach, theighs, chest...anyway, I also started thinking I don't deserve to get out of this world, I must deserve to suffer if I am...so screw me, now that I have to think I can't kill myself, I feel so trapped...

no one around me really cares...I'm too much of a worry and problem, can't do anything right and have no help...don't want psyc help...guess the thing that would really help would be if someone just held me forever that I felt cared about me...it's hard to let people in though b/c they don't stay...I've given up...

so, if I can be of some solice or you just want to talk or rant and rave to someone I'm here...I have icq, # is 6381044...

please take care...hope I can be of any help at all...yeah, your name struck me from the beginning b/c it was my father's...be well

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by gnimia on Mon Mar 19 19:18:56 2001 (#4848)

My scars? mostly on my arms, espesially the fresher ones, but i also have quite a few on my thighs and stomach, and one on my face. cos they range so much in deepness and age there are always some to look at and remeber with, many of them i can name. i do think they are beautiful mostly cos they represent a part of me that i despise (does that make sense?). the photos up on this site of cuts and scars are interesting, and often scarily similar to mine. hope im not just rambling. xx

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by LOST on Mon Mar 19 19:45:49 2001 (#4852)

i think my scars are wonderful... though i'm somewhat ashamed of them. i don't know if that makes any sense. if anyone asks me about them (which they often do) i freely talk about the scars and why i did it. but honestly, if one fades away (from when i first started like 5 yrs ago) i'll get really pissed off. But I don't cut anymore, so my scars are all i have left from those times and i don't want them to leave. They remind me of the way i felt and the things i went through... because EVERY scar has a story along with it. anyway, i still think they are pretty

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by Nicke on Mon Mar 19 19:52:18 2001 (#4854)

Personaaly I am filled with a sense of guilt every time I look at mt scars but I still like looking at them in the same way you are drawn to look at the site of an accident! If you know what I mean?

Nicke. XXXX

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by Someone on Mon Mar 19 21:09:37 2001 (#4856)

you wanna know something! I HATE MY SCARS! The remind me of how I have been living for the last 4 years! and how I still live. I hate myself!

Re: will anyone like to compare scars?
Posted by FALLING FALLING FRANNY on Sun Mar 25 18:37:12 2001 (#5070)

Yeah vicki I agree, my scars are all about pain, if you think pain is beautiful well I don't know...my pain hasn't ever been beautiful it's been hell. I'd rather die than go through it. My scars remind of all the hell I've been through in the past 5 years, I wish I coulsd stop it to day. 'wish I could find someway to pay

wish I could find someway to make you go away'

I'm happy really, just oddified
Posted by necrosis on Mon Mar 19 02:30:38 2001 (#4822)

A life protecting fear screams while shackled to the soul Suffocating despair breaks the chains, unencumbered the soul breathes again. Pollution our air, choking on our very existence Death is the freedom you can't afford unless you are prepared to pay with your life So disabling the insufferable torment, taunted to write the cheque Flesh putrifies from the day of birth Purity was your worth An echo inside every hollow feeling Purity relinquished in the womb Hanging from a rafter a body can no longer feel pain Lament my potential, mourn my waste, eulogise my memory The beauty of self destruction strips to a spread legged whore Conceive your true religion & be damned to your fate The invisible destiny cements the chains & prolongs the suffocation Inhaling your fumes, locked in your head The stench of self making you puke Devouring your own puke as it's a familiar disgust Dry heaving now, nothing left to digest Self all but gone, spits out its mortal flame No lamented potential, no mourned waste, a forgettable memory How many times over must you live the same rejection of self until the ultimate rejection? Burn out my eyes with cigerette ash, I cry when I see my face Love is hates cock teaser

urghhh, wizards are good though. I like wizards. xxxxxxxxx

take care.xxx

Re: I'm happy really, just oddified
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 02:46:31 2001 (#4825)

powerful, really.. powerful

slash or burn?
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 02:45:50 2001 (#4824)

i've only been aware of this site a couple of days, and while it is great to talk/compare stuff with you guys, reading through the messages, everyone seems to be cutting. i burn.i started when i was about 21, just with cigarettes, i'm now 27(in a month), and now use (mainly)needles heated over candles, then pushed into me.i can't cut, don't know why really, tried it once, thought it hurt too much(like red hot needles don't!!!work that one out!). and i am in no way belittling all you cutters, i'm in awe at your strength to be able to do it, but, are there any burners about??? you all talk about how the sight of blood being released from you helps you get through the shit times,etc, but i don't bleed.the smell of burned flesh to me i guess is the same as the sight of blood to you guys, and that really intense pain as the needle sinks in, somehow, seems to elevate my mood, though the worse mood i'm in, the more pain and burning i have to do.(although i could live without the needle being melted and getting stuck into my flesh, as having to rip it out ruins the experience for me). i can really relate to you cutters when you post messages on here, we have a lot in common,so please don't stop the stories/support/talk just cuz i burn and you cut.but please, have we any burners in the house?

Re: slash or burn?
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 02:54:50 2001 (#4828)

i personally dont burn, b/c once when i was little i burnt myself while i was playing with a cigarett lighter, it was on my thumb and i swear i have never felt pain and never will again like that. i cant take it right now. though i havent tried since that horrid exsperince. but you never know., though i understand how the smell gets to you. completly. and just because you dont do what "i" do dosent mean that i am going to stop posting, so dont worry about that. we all do differnt things, differnt ways to cut/burn, different areas. different reasons. we are all differnt, and it makes us so uniqe b/c we are so dirverse but we all come together to help each other

Re: slash or burn?
Posted by slash on Mon Mar 19 04:56:31 2001 (#4838)

yes im a big burner but mutialting slshing is a way to my life ..dont know what i would do without my sharp objects ..also i burn sumtimes the knifes i slash with more pain you ever do that...yeah im pretty new to this site also its awesome thow...i mean im so amazed with mutialation scarification so intresting a topic and i live for it so its very imporment to me i live to die...well just wanted to syayeah pple call me the human ashtray i dont smoke thow ick just an ashtray for others.. bloody hugs slash

Re: slash or burn?
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 19 05:11:04 2001 (#4839)

i have burnt myself once before, on the iron....it hurt like a bitch. Does burning the way you do it, really leave alot of scarring though? I've been thinking about burning lately. i don't know if I could take it though. Hmm, we'll see. Email me guys, you seem interesting. Luv ya, Alana

Re: slash or burn?
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 22:42:11 2001 (#4870)

it scars like no other! and if you're really fucked in the head like me, then you do it repeatedly on the same bit in succession, to get the burn nice and deep.when your skin spits at you when the needles really hot, so it blisters, wow, thats like the ultimate! but yeah, it scars good, i've still got scars from when i first started, years ago, and getting a sun tan REALLY brings them out.

Re: slash or burn?
Posted by Strider on Mon Mar 19 06:38:52 2001 (#4841)

Don't worry simon, just because you're different doesn't make us shun you. I don't burn, but I am here for moral support!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: slash or burn?
Posted by gnimia on Mon Mar 19 19:12:59 2001 (#4846)

well, in case you hadnt got the message i too burn and cut. often in the same place. for me burning holds a diiferent type of release than cutting, less mess, and more for the pain rather than the anger. people here scratch pick, all sorts. i wouldnt worry about being shunned just cos you use an "unusual" method. xx

Re: slash or burn?
Posted by Cheze2 on Tue Mar 20 03:35:23 2001 (#4901)

i burn myself. i have also used the hot pins and needles, and anything metal. just thought i'd say that to respond to ur mail. if u wanna talk, e-mail me :)

Amanda

simon
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 02:48:40 2001 (#4826)

simon, if your are still on, get MSN instnt messagner or aim or whatr ever and im me please!!! justr im me at msn ( phish_visor ) and at aol and aim renthead020

lets talk

Re: simon
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 02:55:49 2001 (#4829)

its a miracle i can do this message board thing, would love to im you, but have no idea how? email me how to do it.(!)

Re: simon
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 02:59:44 2001 (#4831)

check your mail

Re: simon
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 03:09:18 2001 (#4833)

ARGH!!! have problem. thanks for the emails, but this not my pc, its neighbours, and its very "low grade", and i cant download stuff, there isnt the disc space. suggestions?

Re: simon
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 03:35:34 2001 (#4835)

well, if your computer can take it, down load on yours if you have it,. and aol im dosent take up that much space, at all its really small actually

Re: simon
Posted by LOST on Mon Mar 19 19:38:50 2001 (#4850)

actually u can use something called AIM express... but suzie, u need to make a screen name and password that he can use... and then simon, go to aol.com..... go down where u see AOL INSTANT MESSENGER and below it, it should say AIM EXPRESS.... click on that... u don't need to download it. it works from a web page... put in the screen name and password that suzie gives u to use and then YAYAYAYAYAY u guys can talk!!!!!!!! :) i hope it works...

Re: simon
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 21:35:23 2001 (#4860)

ahh, good idea. . dang thats a really good idea! thanks!

Re: simon
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 22:52:18 2001 (#4871)

ok then, ta for the info. suzie, it's up to you...

does anyone?
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 19 03:02:49 2001 (#4832)

Does anyone ever feel like there whole existence on this earth, well its confusing...kinda like you are needed and wanted for only a short time and then all of a sudden, you aren't needed and wanted. Rejected. I don't know. I can't seem to do any good in my life. I just found out that a good friend of mine has started cutting. And she got the idea from me. What the hell have i done? Do you see what happens when you don't keep it a secret. More people you love start to do it. I can't help her. Its kinda like I've been giving her tips and pushing her along this whole time. There's a void in my life. I know what it is thats been missing...I just have to find the courage to follow what I know is missing. I can't do this alone. I'm too alone in the world. I need that missing part to live. If I don't, I will end up dying. I'm sorry I don't make any sense. Its just that whats going on inside my head doesn't exactly make sense to me either. I'm just writing what I'm thinking. INSANITY! Ah well. Time to go, my razor awaits.

Re: does anyone?
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 03:21:19 2001 (#4834)

have suffered similar problem. a mate of mine is going thru a bad divorce, and about a month ago she started cutting. cant help think it was me that started her off, even tho i burn. but ive realised that ok, i may have given her the idea to si, but it must have been already in her for her to carry it thru. i think most people would maybe try to si in one way , but theres only us select, unique and beautiful people who do carry it on. dont beat yourself up about it, its her life, you're not responsible for her actions. but as you know how it feels to si, at least you can offer her person 2 person support, rather than getting it off a computer.(not that this n any way a bad thing)

Re: does anyone?
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 03:41:12 2001 (#4836)

oh girl, i feel the same thing.. my friend starting cutting, and i felt so bad, i was the only one around her that dose this so i knew that she got it from me and i feel soo bad, it drives me insane. everyday and everything i sit thinging look what i havce done. its terrible, i knwo how hard it is. i wish that on no one, not even my worst enemys. i am so sorry girl. im here to talk!

Re: does anyone?
Posted by Strider on Mon Mar 19 06:52:11 2001 (#4842)

Don't apologize for releasing your feelings. Never do. I'm very sorry about your friend, but it's not really your fault. If you need to hear about cutting to start doing it, then most of us here wouldn't be doing it. I know I wouldn't! So don't think that you caused her to start, because you didn't. I pray you can fill that void you speak of.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: does anyone?
Posted by Steve on Sat Mar 24 21:55:55 2001 (#5054)

Hi, as you mat have guessed, my name is Steve, and I am looking and asking for your help. I am a nurse in a psychiatric intensive care unit and at this time I am nursing someone who self harms, and I admit I am at a loss as to what to do to help her. I have spent many hours talking to her, going over why she does it,how she does it, even spent a LOT of time discussing other forms of coping mechanisms , only for her to do it again when I am not on duty. I realise that I am not going to change her life dramatically but I feel any little helps. I look foreward to your reply with many thanks Steve

Re: does anyone?
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 28 21:09:14 2001 (#5253)

I stopped for almost a year but started again a few months ago so probably can't help...but post again...some people here have stopped so maybe they can help

Re: does anyone?
Posted by Pandora on Sat Mar 31 08:30:01 2001 (#5318)

Good luck is all I have to say. No offense but really you can't help her till she wants to stop. Si is hard to make someone who has never done it understand, but I will tell u this I was forced many times to try and stop and I never did stop until i was ready myself, no matter who talked to me or how. And even if you can get her to stop now, unless she wants it she will just start again. It's like a disease that you can't control. Like I said good luck and if you do discover some secret to stopping I would love to hear it.

Re: does anyone?
Posted by Misty on Fri Mar 30 16:14:57 2001 (#5299)

Cutting is something I have been doing fo a while, do you want to talk?

nothing
Posted by anona1 on Mon Mar 19 06:10:37 2001 (#4840)

nothing really...frustration, boredom, sadness, same old, same old...would love to be a rabid dog so I could growl and be "put down"...okay, so this is I suicidal thought thing, but I'm not quite at that point tonight...starting to wonder when the night will come when I don't have to cry myself to sleep, b/c sleep is my only peace...don't care how many times I cut...doesn't help...so I'm here...nobody cares enough, hopefully it's enough...it helps...so I'm not making sense, I don't care...it's a night alone again, a night alone as always...left to face my pain and scars alone...(by the way, how do you make the message go to the next line?)...feel my scars against my jean...they're all over...nobody sees them...I'm so lost...need to find a better way to go...anyway, I don't know what to do for the hours until I'm tired...make me a plant, bury my roots...lay on my side, curled in a ball...don't care if my thoughts aren't strung together...no choice but to be alone now...die...give up...fight myself...baby carried off and eaten by a lion, vultures pecking at the carcass...should shut up about now...not helping

Re: nothing
Posted by gnimia on Mon Mar 19 19:24:40 2001 (#4849)

dont shut up. it may be the best thing you can ever do. i dont know why u r hurting so much and so bad, but if you want to mail me, ill reply. xx

Re: nothing
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 21:39:24 2001 (#4861)

to get them to go onto a next line you have to double space them. like push the enter button twice

to get it to be seperated.

and also, that was really powerful. if ya ever wanna talk im here!

Re: nothing
Posted by anona1 on Mon Mar 19 21:59:34 2001 (#4867)

thanks

also just letting people who might be concerned that I'm here...

SIMON.....
Posted by LOST on Mon Mar 19 15:28:01 2001 (#4844)

hey uhm simon... are u SImon?? SImon is a guy that used to come here a few months ago and he disappeared... i'm just wondering if its you or someone else.... :)

Re: SIMON.....
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 21:40:29 2001 (#4862)

i was wondering the same thing

Re: SIMON.....
Posted by simon on Mon Mar 19 22:58:43 2001 (#4874)

no, i'm not that simon, i'm this simon. only discovered this site over weekend.

Re: SIMON.....
Posted by suzie on Mon Mar 19 23:55:01 2001 (#4878)

ohhh, ok!