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Threads 951 to 1000

KATE!!!!!!!!!and all
Posted by Ang on Thu Feb 8 04:41:12 2001 (#3498)

okay sweets i need to say I APPRICIATE you SO much ur always there u always reply ur a doll i apreaciate all of u but kate is being affected by this the most pls don't feel like ur unapricated because ur not i swear hugs and kisses ang

Re: KATE!!!!!!!!!and all
Posted by Kate on Thu Feb 8 05:17:23 2001 (#3501)

I know I its over there was never any fight and I was the only one to get upset.

sorry
Posted by Kate on Thu Feb 8 05:19:51 2001 (#3502)

I am so sorry guys. I got way to defensive and should have handle it in a more mature way. Lost and Cheze2 I should have emailed you separately and talk to you in a more polite manner. I am 22 I should act like it. Fran, ang,and all I am sorry I dragged you into this. YOu guys kept an open mind and didn't take sides. But there wasn't any sides. I was the only one bitching. Sorry again.

Re: sorry
Posted by Ang on Thu Feb 8 05:53:53 2001 (#3504)

its all good

I love all of you
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 12:39:17 2001 (#3510)

Kate the great..it's okay to have felt like you did. I felt hurt and Lost and I go back to when she first told me about Canada....memories. No one should say sorry. In the words of the great & amazing Red hot Chilli peppers 'I LOVE ALL OF YOU' (lyrics from 'my friends' incase you wanted to know) Love ya Kate and lost and Ang and everyone...

GOODBYE AND THANKS TO EVERYONE!!
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 8 07:00:01 2001 (#3506)

I am leaving. Not because i think that I'm not wanted, and not because i think that this board is a pile of crap (because I DON'T), but because I'm finaly well again. Everyone here has helped me through this horrible relapse, and I am eternaly grateful to you all. Everyone here has helped in some way or another, so listen to me, all of you, NEVER think that your presence here is not needed! That's not true! I don't know of one person that hasn't been of some help to me! And now I want to help you. The void in my life was filled by Jesus and I know that he can help everyone here, if only you ak Him. I want everyone to hear because I know that He's the only way to true healing. You all probably think I'm nuts now, eh? Oh well, it's worth it if I can help someone. I thank Jesus every day that he led me to this board, as you are all the most helpful people I have ever met in my life. I will remember you all in my prayers, always. Thank you all.

and like always,

love and prayers, Colin Marlow

Re: GOODBYE AND THANKS TO EVERYONE!!
Posted by lostand lonly on Thu Feb 8 20:12:40 2001 (#3515)

i know that i will miss u as u have been really helpful to me and i wish u werent going but i cant make u stay. good luck in life. Amanda

Re: GOODBYE AND THANKS TO EVERYONE!!
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 20:18:27 2001 (#3517)

Strider you do so much for others you've forgotten yourself. Do something ffor yourself. Get some help or something. Like Amanda said we can't make you stay but never think you can't come back. when you venture out into this world don't do it alone. I wrote you an email but it fucked up a& wouldn't send I was so pissed off because it took nme ages to write . i will write it again for oyu.

I've stopped taking my medication
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 12:50:59 2001 (#3511)

I stopped taking my medication yesterday because I am just SO SICK of feeling numb. at least before I had pain. Do you think it's okay not to tell my psychiatrist about this?. I can't stand the numbness of it all.

Re: I've stopped taking my medication
Posted by heavenleigh on Thu Feb 8 15:39:40 2001 (#3512)

Honey, I know exactly how you feel. I'm cutting down on my meds now and I'm so glad to be getting controll of my head again. I felt sometimes, that if I hadn't been taking them I have been depressed and it's really demoralising to feel like that. I sincerely hope it does you good to get back to yourself, and I believe your strong enough to face the world on your own terms. I'm not sure about not telling your psychiatrist. I think at least you should tell someone in the *real world*. Probably not your parents, but just someone who can keep an eye on you and make sure you don't crack up without realising that's the way your going if anything does go wrong. On the up side, antideps are alledged to make people more self destructive, so maybe we'd all be better without them. Stay safe, luv sarah

Re: I've stopped taking my medication
Posted by Michael on Thu Feb 8 19:16:44 2001 (#3514)

I'm not 100% sure, but as far as i remember you take paroxetine don't you? Sorry if i'm wrong about that. Anyway, it's not really a good idea to suddenly stop paroxetine. I take it, have done for a while now and i've stopped a couple of times, and i often forget to take them. When i do, by the evening i feel weak, i have no balance, i get funny tingling feelings behind my eyes and in my fingers. When i walk around it's like i've been smoking dope or something, but it doesn't feel as good...hehe...It's nasty stuff, despite what th label or the doctors say. It messed with your neurotransmitters, with your synapses so i think that's why i become shaky. i think if you want to stop, you should do it gradually. Michael

Re: I've stopped taking my medication
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 20:14:52 2001 (#3516)

Yep you right I do take paroxetine. I have no problem with taking drugs...I've probably already fucked up my body with laxatives and speed and alcohol. I just want to be happy on my medication not numb I'd take 500 pills of it a day if I could be happy but I can't stand this NOTHINGNESS. This is my 2nd day without it and I haven't felt any side effects apart from feeling a bit weak. i know I will probably have to go back on them...once I end up in hospital because i want to die. still right now I think I'll feel some pain for it. Yeah I'm fucked up .....Thanks for posting micheal I don't think we see you around here often enough

Re: I've stopped taking my medication
Posted by Nicke on Thu Feb 8 21:59:38 2001 (#3518)

Anti-depressants only mask how you are feeling. It is talking through your problems that cause your depression that makes you feel better. When you have dealt with your problems, feeling better only follows naturally. The anti-depressants sort out the chemical inbalance in your brain but if you don't sort out your problems then no matter how long you take anti-depressants you can still feel down. That is not to say that I disagree with them, just that they help along side a therapist, councellor or just a good friend. I don't know much about your medication so I don't know how safe it is to stop taking them just like that!

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Cutting....
Posted by Ariel on Thu Feb 8 22:17:42 2001 (#3519)

Hi, Im Ariel. Im new here...they got rid of my SI board on AOL and ever since I've really needed someone to talk to besides those in my immediate life.

I've been cutting myself for about 5 years. I haven't cut myself in 4 months (today acutally!! yay!!) which is longer than I've ever gone (my record was 3 weeks) recently I've been really struggling with it. I really want to cut myself and Im afraid that I'm not going to be able to resist the urges. I've tried everything but still I want to cut...AHHH!!! I hate this.. Thanks for listening **Ariel**

Re: Cutting....
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 22:53:05 2001 (#3520)

Oh my god why did they rid of your board.....that can't be a very good thing at all where is everyone going to go. Welcome to our board...I love your email address...angel eyes...I love angel dust and faires and hole. I wrote a post aabout Canada up a bit from yours, it's telling all the new people about Canada...this great place to go too. I think thats amazing....four months without cutting....you shouldn't feel bad if you need to cut because thats your way of coping..... Welcome Ariel babae to the board. Email me anytime. Yours FrannyXXXX

Re: Cutting....
Posted by Jessica on Fri Feb 9 01:23:54 2001 (#3522)

Hi everyone. I too am new here. I have been cutting for 4 years. I recently broke my record of SIX days. So you can imagine...I practically cut everyday. I have a therapist though. They put me on Prozac liquid, since I've traumatized myself with pills in the past. I am a writer of short morbid stories and poetry. If anyone here if wants to email me feel free! thanx

oxox Jess

Re: Cutting....
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Feb 9 02:09:13 2001 (#3524)

WELCOME!!!! :) i'm glad your all here! pull up a chair, or chicken...or bean bag...or whatever seems right to u! :) we all live in "canada" (not real) its out beautiful place that we imagine, it is everything you could imagine! it's great, fran has all the details and can describe it better, but just welcome!!! and jess, i wanna hear your stories! :) i also am i morbid poetry/story writer :)

-me- Amanda

Re: Cutting....
Posted by Nicke on Fri Feb 9 14:11:05 2001 (#3527)

Hey, hello from me as well! What can I say that hasn't been said? E-mail me to if you need to.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: Cutting....
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 07:15:31 2001 (#3571)

I can't believe they shut down your board... think of all the people. I'd say tell them to come here! I think you'll like it here, I know I have! This place has helped me so much and i know it can do the same for you! We'll listen any time.

love and prayers, Colin

i'm breaking apart
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Feb 9 01:21:09 2001 (#3521)

i'm sorry i've been such a bitch on here lately, just this week has been really hard for me. my love, the single person that has kept my alive for so long...is...well...we're just not right, the love is just gone, i can't feel it anymore. and then...the other night, he told me, he's like, i may not show u that i love you, but just know that i do. i'm not saying that he has to be all over me or anything, but it's nice to just know that someone cares you know? i have major trust issues, because i've been hurt so many times by ones i've loved..parents..friends...ever ything...and now, the one person i truely trusted is also leaving me. i am breaking apart, i feel as though i can't continue. my life is nothing, i have nothing without him. he promises me that nothing is different, but why do i feel that it is? ...i just want to die, i have been so suicidal this week, i've slit my wrists, just looking at any medication is making me want to overdose, thank god my parents hide the bottles and only leave out enough for one day. i'm a wreck, i'm going to see my new therapist tomorrow, i think i'm going to finally try and get better, i just cant live like this any longer...

Re: i'm breaking apart
Posted by Kate on Fri Feb 9 01:44:24 2001 (#3523)

Sweetie you were not a bitch. I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I'm glad you are ready to get better. YOu don't deserve to feel this way. Talk to me anytime.

Re: i'm breaking apart
Posted by Nicke on Fri Feb 9 16:50:34 2001 (#3528)

I never thought you were a bitch. Everyone is entitled to there opinion and yours just happened to differ from others. I think it is an excellent step you have taken in deciding to go to get help. I made the same decision a couple of weeks ago so I know how hard that can be, as do alot of others on the board. We will all be here to help and support you as much as we can and as much as you let us.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

i'm a wimp
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Feb 9 20:27:34 2001 (#3534)

i was there in my therapist's office today, and we went over my treatment plan... i just really wanted to tell her, but my mouth wouldn't form the words..i feel like such a loser now, i know will is going to hate me, this was one of his wishes, that i wuold tell someone. i'm awful

-me-

Re: i'm a wimp
Posted by Kate on Fri Feb 9 23:42:56 2001 (#3539)

It sounds like he cares about you if he wants you to get help. I know what it is like to love somebody who you can't have. Hang in there it will be alright.

BLA!
Posted by Ang on Fri Feb 9 02:15:53 2001 (#3525)

hi peeps i'm bored just wanted to say hi and i love you all :D hugs and kisses, ang

Re: BLA!
Posted by Kate on Fri Feb 9 18:02:31 2001 (#3531)

hi, love ya too.

Re: BLA!
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Feb 9 20:28:25 2001 (#3535)

HI!!!!!

Re: BLA!
Posted by Butterfly on Sat Feb 10 01:39:56 2001 (#3540)

hello :)

i love you all

Re: BLA!
Posted by Nicke on Sat Feb 10 14:39:01 2001 (#3544)

WHASSUP!!!!!!!!

Cry.
Posted by Pixiedust. on Fri Feb 9 19:19:13 2001 (#3532)

don't cry for me

don't cry for me i am happy where i'm going it is better than this hell i hate my life on earth

don't cry for me although you probably wouldn't anyways but just incase you would...

don't cry for me i hated it here i wanted to be free from life i wanted to leave

please do not cry for me i feel my time has come and if it hasn't i am forcing it on myself anyways

but please don't cry for me what is there to cry about ? i'm only dead or will be

wait, who is there to cry for me?

Re: Cry.
Posted by Nicke on Fri Feb 9 20:20:51 2001 (#3533)

I am here to cry for you, if you'll let me. Those words you wrote were very moving. Are you new here, if not then I am sorry. If you are then welcome!!!!

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: Cry.
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Feb 9 20:32:39 2001 (#3536)

who is there to cry for you? the little old woman who u pass on the street, who you smile at just because...(not literally) but it's always the person u least suspect. the person who u just gave a glimpse to, smiled to on your way home. there is always someone who cares...even if you don't believe it. i know, believe me i know. e-mail me sometime! :)

Amanda

Re: Cry.
Posted by Fran on Fri Feb 9 20:53:06 2001 (#3537)

I love your poem, I really do and I know how you must be feeling...but cheze2 is right there are people crying for you you don't even realise.what's your email?

Re: Cry.
Posted by Butterfly on Sat Feb 10 01:50:58 2001 (#3541)

I'm crying for you, because i know those feelings and i really hate for you or anyone else to feel that bad.

take care of yourself, lots of love.

Re: Cry.
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 06:29:43 2001 (#3565)

I'm here to cry for you, and I am right now. Please listen to me when I say that you are much better off alive. As bad as it seems, there are people that do want you around. I'm one of them. Please keep posting here and let us know how you are. Also I would like for you to e-mail me (can't promise I'll respond right away but I'll do my best), and my AOL IM name is UndeadLine. We cry for you, and will cry with you.

love and prayers, Colin

In the mood for a rave
Posted by Fran on Fri Feb 9 20:58:03 2001 (#3538)

So I've started back on my medication because I had problems sleeping. And I've just watched Dawson's Creek and now I'm in the mood for a get high rave...so I can love everyone yay yay. Instead I'm stuck at home waiting for my life to begin....well next week but it still feels like an age. For once I have all this extra energy and I just want to GO CRAZY.........and go pilling and be on top of the world. I don't want to be sensible at the moment. I wonder if there is more to life than partying....it's the only good bit the rest of it is one long comedown. well maybe we can have one in Canada....who wants to get glittered up with me?

Re: In the mood for a rave
Posted by Butterfly on Sat Feb 10 01:59:30 2001 (#3542)

i'm not really the sort for partying, i'm not a fan of social events........ but maybe in Canada i won't be so shy, so just this once i'll go CRAZY too and party with you Fran :)

Re: In the mood for a rave
Posted by Nicke on Sat Feb 10 14:37:18 2001 (#3543)

I've just watched the repeat of Dawson's creek and now exactly what you mean. I don't do drugs any more but I always get urges to "pop that pill" or have a really big fat line of cocaine. Drugs was the only thing that I had that made me feel good about myself. Then I saw the down sides to it. That may be one of the big reasons why I get so depressed. I doesn't stop me having the urges though. So lets have a drug free rave in Canada.

In the mood for sparkling
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sat Feb 10 17:58:43 2001 (#3545)

did someone mention glitter....ohhhhhh...go on then, you've tempted me! love love love xxxxxxxxx

Re: In the mood for sparkling
Posted by Frannybabe on Sat Feb 10 19:47:32 2001 (#3547)

glitter is power...there is no power like my glitter power. welcome to glitter Canada butterfly, Nicke & Helen. Sparkle on my dudettes. glitter rules FranXXX

I'm always In the mood for sparkling
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Feb 11 01:39:09 2001 (#3556)

Every thing in this whole decaying world looks better covered in sparkling drenched glitter, it makes everything look soooo pretty...that's probably why I wear more than is normal then...heehee, keep that glitter power babe, will post you a tape covered in the stuff later in the week... Love you, forever, love is the power..xxxxxx

Eating Disorders
Posted by ariel on Sat Feb 10 19:47:26 2001 (#3546)

Does anyone here also have an eating disorder? How are you dealing with it....?

I was bulemic for a while and i haven't bp'd for a long time now but i've gained back all the weight i lost and it's so depressing. I was just wondering if anyone else has been through this...it's hard..

Re: Eating Disorders
Posted by Fran on Sat Feb 10 19:55:47 2001 (#3549)

I do ......I don't think you ever get over it , it's something thats always with you. I find I get ups and downs. I find that when the weight drops off I get a sense of Euphoria. But there also those times when I have felt so completely empty. Throwing up, making myself vomit, taking laxatives ...they were more about the emotions. I am obssessed with thiness....I feel it is the only way I can be a valid person. at the moment I have put weight on because of eating loads and having to concentrate on study. I feel fat./.....even though I know I'm not overweight I need to be thin I can't be normal because I feel fat....I have to be skeletal. In fact after I take my exams I am going to stop eating again..because i won't need to concentrate and all the side effects won't matter. how long have you been bulimic? how long have you had problems with food?. In away it's been another form of SI for me....there was that time that I drank a mug of vinegar so I would throw up.....to get rid of all that evil food making me fat...taunting me. Speak to you soon ariel. do you have my email?

Re: Eating Disorders
Posted by ariel on Sat Feb 10 20:28:00 2001 (#3550)

no i don't have your email.

I know exactly how you feel...i just wish i coudl find a way to loose the weight i gained back w/o going back to the ED...*sigh* this is so hard. my email is AngelEyes042@aol.com....email me if you ever wanna talk...

Re: Eating Disorders
Posted by Ang on Sat Feb 10 22:52:36 2001 (#3552)

Eating disorder is my middle name! its hard to deal with i just try to watch it and talk about it as much as possible becasue then ppl knowe and there like wjhat are u doing? no u just ate u can't go to the bathroom it sux but in the long run its way better for you :) hugs and kisses ang

Re: Eating Disorders
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Feb 11 01:44:10 2001 (#3557)

I wanna be thin too...even though I know it won't make my life better or anything...sighsighsigh...bein g miserable is a no win situation...thin is pretty on girls, even though it looks stoopid on blokes... But I think you lot are perfect anyway, and you don't deserve to hurt yourselves. So there! love forever and glittery angel tears xxxx

Re: Eating Disorders
Posted by Christine on Sat Feb 17 05:12:09 2001 (#3676)

I'm a used to be anorexic/bulimic w/ lots of realapses

i have no idea
Posted by Weazle on Sat Feb 10 19:53:11 2001 (#3548)

I dont know why im even writing here im sure somebody will delete it soon enough but i just feel like i have nowhere to turn and maybe if i vent my feelings out here somebody will relate? well, ive ben cutting since i was 11 (im now 14) and i feel so bad, i dont even know why i do it i am a spoilt brat ive never had financial problems not until recently anyways and ive never been deprived, i dont know what is missing but it feels like half of my soul has been kidnapped. when i see my so-called friends with huge scars i feel JEALOUS, because i know they have something to blame i guess, and people give them such sympathy but because my scars are hardly fatal, i just about bleed when i harm its nothign to worry about so nobody cares. and i feel so pathetic and useless when i see other ppls scars, it makes me feel like im so lousy i cant even cut myself properly of all things. i have two parents who both love me, and i know with a certainty that im wanted but then why do i not FEEL wanted? i KNOW but i cant FEEL it at all. i do such stupid things, i hope theyll make me feel better but they never do. and even if they DO, the after-affects make me worse. i hear music and the words always feel like their talking to me...but still i cant put my own emotions into words. it kills. oh well...i guess im kinda finished now....if anyone relates....mail me. Weazle

Re: i have no idea
Posted by Butterfly on Sun Feb 11 01:31:37 2001 (#3555)

There are people who can relate to how you feel, i cut and i'm not really sure why. I feel the same way too about thinking you can't even cut yourself properly, but whether the cuts are deep or not you're obviously still hurting inside and need help too. I don't know what to say to help but just know that you're certainly not alone.

Love Butterfly.

mwah mwah mwah
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Feb 11 01:52:26 2001 (#3558)

like butterfly baby said, you are so not alone here, i can relate to what you said, and it's sad... I think what you've gotta remember chick, is that depression is't all about having manic problems in your life. It's some psychological thing I'm not intelligent enough to understand, and you don't have to have had a really hellish life to feel it. Infact, you can sometimes pick real depression from people who have no real reason, they just feel sad...sorry, forgive me, I'm making no sense...but i know what i mean in my head...I'm kinda useless with words, sorry, I've lost the plot... If you need someone to rant at, I'm your grrrrl ok? Don't stop fighting it all...and wear lots of glitter to make you feel pretty xxxxxxxxxx

Re: mwah mwah mwah
Posted by Fran on Sun Feb 11 18:48:06 2001 (#3577)

Read 'the bell jar' read prozac nation. theres sylvia plath and elizabeth Wurtzel and Anne sexton.....seemingly perfect lives and yet they stilled battled with 'the black hole'. There doesn't have to be a reason. Love and Glitter Fran

Re: i have no idea
Posted by Masque d'etoiles on Sun Feb 11 06:17:09 2001 (#3560)

I'm eighteen, and your post made perfect sense to me. I've no reason to feel or think or act as I do. I finally realized last year that my parents really do love me. I think I return their feelings, but that is the only emotion of which I am sure.

I also make cuts that seem insignificant next to those of others. I do feel jealous when I hear about . . . well, best not think of that now.

Just remember that, no matter the severity of the damage you do yourself, it is still of great import.

Keep talking here. It often works wonderfully to help one sort out feelings.

And if this made no sense whatsoever, I apologize. It is past the time I should be in bed.

@}---,--,---

Re: i have no idea
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 06:18:56 2001 (#3561)

How you're feeling has NOTHING to do with your environment. Me and a friend of mine who also cuts are almost COMPLETE opposistes. I come from a poor home where my parents got divorced when I was 11 (though they both love and care about me), whereas my friend comes from a picturesque "perfect" home, and we both cut. I can't give you a reason why it happens, but I can say that you're not alone. And NEVER feel inadequite about not cutting huge wounds, or somethibg like that! I look at it this way, there's no difference between a shallow, deep, long or short cut, you either cut or you don't, and that's it. NEVER feel like your cuts don't mean anything! Each one means something to you, each one is a time when you felt so bad you had to hurt yourself. Meaningless? Anyone that thinks that, should have to go through what you do in your mind and then see if the cuts mean anything! I can tell you one thing for sure, your cuts will ALWAYS mean something here. I hope we can help you through this.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: i have no idea
Posted by Weazle on Sun Feb 11 13:59:34 2001 (#3573)

awww u guys are all so helpful, its nice to know ppl relate to me because nobody over here understands... ppl always say "the first thing u have to understand is you are NOT alone, there are loads of ppl who feel like this " or at least the school counsillor always says that but shes just stupid, i know im not alone but theres is nobody i can contact who understands...well there wasnt anyhow :¬) why is it the ppl who are paid to understand, like school counsillors, dont actually have a clue? they know the points and the facts and the statistics....but they dont understand at all. they dont realise that i cant control how i feel...they think i can just snap out of it, they dont realise cutting is like an addiction. well anyways, thanks all of you guys u really put a smile on my face to make me realise im not alone here anymore, i have ppl who know exactly what i mean. my friends act like they do...but they havent a clue. oh well. thanks a lot. and i will wear more glitter :¬) hehehe... ps if anybody has MSN messenger add me and we can talk okay? or Yahoo, my nick on there is Angel_with_scars. well see you, love y'all.

Love peace and hairgrease

Weazle xxxxx

Myself
Posted by Jess on Sat Feb 10 22:12:15 2001 (#3551)

I hate my body.I eat so much junk all the time i've stopped eating proper meals.I've put on loads of weight and i want to lose it.I know it sounds silly but i wanna bcome bullimic (i can't spell it)It's not a good idea but it's how i feel.

Jess

x

Re: Myself
Posted by Ariel on Sat Feb 10 23:20:02 2001 (#3553)

I was bulemic for a while. It's horrible don't even consider it, it does horrible things to your body.

but i know how you feel. I've gained a ton of weight, nothing fits and I can't find anything in stores that doesn't make me look like a cow. Im batteling going back to old habbits as we speak because i want so desprately to just feel good about the way I look. God I hate this. Why did they even start making size 00 pants??? it just makes the un anorexic girls feel even worse about themselves.....grrr

Re: Myself
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 06:37:53 2001 (#3567)

I'm a guy, and I'm not over weight so I can't relate directly, but I can in a way. Wen I was younger I was a rail, scrawny and weak and I hated it. So I got built. I spent the last three or four years getting into wicked shape, and you know what? I still hate my body. I hate it! I think that things like that are 99% mental and 1% physical. That's about all I can say with that. Here for you.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Myself
Posted by Weazle on Sun Feb 11 14:08:07 2001 (#3574)

hey i just wanna say i can totally understand i cant STAND my body, i really am fat but i just sort of... i dont know sometimes im so down about it but other times i really dont care and i just give anyone who has anything to say about it a peice of my mind but i still feel so bad inside, i agree with the people who tell me how ugly i am but i dont let them see... i dont want to give into them. well you really dont wanna make yourself bulimic babe it really messes your body up, and dont become anorexic either, i know its tempting. but if you really hate yourself then you can change yourself by excercising and stuff, i know its hard, ppl are always telling me i should just learn to love myself how i am but i simply CANT so maybe it would do u some good to change yourself? but dont do it unhealthily u dont want to hurt yourself, and anyway i bet you dont need changing at all :¬) well hope you feel better, i dont know anyway that this could help but if it does then hey maybe i aint completely useless :¬) seeya laterz.

puking cutting AND burning
Posted by Jessica on Sun Feb 11 03:50:41 2001 (#3559)

I too am bulimic. I went and saw the shrink today and I got back together with my boyfriend last night event hough I know it will make me cut more. I had my first burning "ritual" persay last night and I can't explain the rush I got from it. It was almost like doubling the cutting. Does anyone else do this? Is anyone else here on Prozac? well, I dread going back to school on Moday so I will pray and pray for good days at church tomorrow. WEAZLE: If you think you are cutting "incorrectly", you are wrong. As sick as this amy sound, all cuts are beautiful (does anyone agree???)whether they are slashes or scratches, all symbolize something. Just because your cuts aren't as deep as others, it doesn't mean you are hurting any less. It's weird y'know. So many of us have so much in common. email me anytime anybody has an input or just wants to vent. Love ya glitter babes! oxox Jessica

Re: puking cutting AND burning
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 06:43:34 2001 (#3568)

I just wanted to let you know that I agree. ALL cuts are absolutely lovely, and I wouldn't trade my scars for anything. I'll be praying with you tomorrow at churh as well! And though I'm not QUITE a glitter babe (*ahem*), I still feel the love. Speaking of which...

love and prayers, Colin

Re: puking cutting AND burning
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Feb 11 22:47:58 2001 (#3584)

scars are bad, but part of me loves them, and i hate that part of me that loves them....god, this depression thing sure is a confusing issue! Glitter chick you are! That's what i like! We all need glitter because it makes us feel pretty and good about ourselves. Love and purple skies xxxxxxxxxxxx

To all
Posted by Masque d'etoiles on Sun Feb 11 06:23:40 2001 (#3562)

I'm sorry I haven't really responded to anyone on the board.

I want to, but I never know what to say. And then I know I can't respond to everyone, and that makes me feel guilty. And then that little voice tells me I can only be hurt, that no one likes me anyway, that I should just ignore the problem.

The little voice prevents me from responding, but it does not forbid me to think about all of you. I wish I could help. I wish I could say the words and pain would vanish without being trivialized, and no one would ever have to hold a bare razor in his or her hand again, would look at a flame without touching it, could live without needing that evidence.

I wish I could call a unicorn who could heal the scars and the open wounds in your minds.

And to Rose: I'm sorry. For some reason your name didn't register. To avoid confusion, I'm going to post using the above name from now until I change my mind again.

@}---,--,---

Strider . . .
Posted by Masque d'etoiles on Sun Feb 11 06:28:58 2001 (#3564)

I don't know if you're reading this, but I hope you do.

I just wanted to say that I think you're an angel for doing all that you have for the people here, and I wanted to wish you well, wherever your life's path takes you.

@}---,--,---

Dedicated to us...
Posted by Jessica on Sun Feb 11 06:32:35 2001 (#3566)

Hello. I just heard that March 1st is National Self Injury Awareness Day! It is good to know that there are so many people out there helping to educate schools and communities about people like us in Canada. If you want info you can go to Selfinjury.org Because I know it seemslike sometimes nobody in the real world understands. There is a day dedicated to people struggling with AIDS, people with breast cancer...Now there is a day DEDICATED TO US.

Love always, Be safe

Jessica

Re: Strider . . .
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 06:48:15 2001 (#3569)

Thanks for the accolades my star, but I think I'm going stick around a little longer.

love and prayers, Colin

I may have spoke too soon.
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 07:10:51 2001 (#3570)

I know that I said I was leaving, but then I got thinking. Everyone here has helped me through the hardest time in my life (this relapse of cutting was harder than when I first had it bad) and I appreciate you all for what you have done for me, so as I thought about it, it would be pretty selfish just to up and leave after what you've all done for me. So, saying that, I think I'm going to stay for awhile longer and help as much as I can. It seems there's a few new people, so for them I say that you've come to the right place as the people here are the most understanding and caring I've ever met. My e-mail is up above so mail me when you feel like it. My AOL Instant Messanger name is UndeadLine so if you catch me online and want to talk just send me a message (though I do get kicked off the net often by the family I'm living with, so please don't be offended if I have to jet in the middle of a conversation). And like always,

I love you all and I'm praying for you, Colin

just saying hey...
Posted by Weazle on Sun Feb 11 14:25:02 2001 (#3575)

I just want to say hey to all of you, and ive been thinking a lot so im in a kinda sentimental mood...i guess i should take advantage and write this before it goes away again... im trying to stop thinking about all the stuff i hate, i do it so much, make i need to stop this... concentrate on the things we love, stop dwelling like i always do... listen to music, enjoy things....god now im sounding poncy, hehehe. but its true. i think we all just need to talk about stuff and try and think about the things we love in life and rather than concentrate bout what we hate bout ourselves, think of something u like about urself, maybe ur good at singing or drawing or writing, maybe u have real pretty eyes, or a real cute belly button :¬) maybe u are just real funny or whatever...maybe ur good with kids, maybe ur good with oldies, maybe u have a lot of patience...mayeb ur good at making people feel better. well im finished talking rubbish :¬D but see y'all sometime love y'all byeeeee!

Re: just saying hey...
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 21:35:38 2001 (#3580)

Well hey yourself! Those are some fine words, and some great ideas. Hope the feeling lasts!

love and prayers, Colin

Goodbye
Posted by Kate on Sun Feb 11 17:23:54 2001 (#3576)

I think it is time for me to stop posting. I don't feel the need to cut anymore and everyone I knew here has left. Besides I am the oldest. I need to start helping myself and not rely on others. Also that fight kind of made me realize that everyone is at eachother throats lately. If anyone needs anything you can email or just to say hi. I will miss you all. I hope you realize how special you all are.

Re: Goodbye
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 21:33:19 2001 (#3579)

I too have stopped cutting, so I can understand why you're leaving. I hope and pray that you'll be alright, wherever you may go.

always love and prayers, Colin

Address Change
Posted by Kate on Sun Feb 11 22:10:41 2001 (#3582)

My address has changed I am no longer at my college address so if someone wants to write me they can use this one above.

Love ya, Kate

Re: Address Change
Posted by fran on Sun Feb 11 22:38:19 2001 (#3583)

kate babe...I have alot to say to you so I am going to email you. Kate I love you don't forget to take care of yourself. I'll write that in the email. speak soon Fran

Re: Goodbye
Posted by Butterfly on Sun Feb 11 23:42:17 2001 (#3585)

awwww :( it's always sad when someone leaves, but it's wonderful that you don't feel you have to cut anymore. I wish you lots of luck for the future, and don't forget to come back anytime if you need to talk.

love you all Butterfly

look into the bloodrot
Posted by Fran on Sun Feb 11 19:14:43 2001 (#3578)

you want her on the bed with her legs wide open & her eyes shut tight. just like a pro she takes off her clothes. look into the bloodrot you suicide bitch it takes an hour like this to make me want to live -Hole

Re: look into the bloodrot
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 11 21:42:48 2001 (#3581)

All is not well in the world of Fran, am I right? e-mail me and let me know what's going on, please? I care. We all do.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: look into the bloodrot
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 12 21:36:53 2001 (#3609)

I'm very familiar with that quote. It has alot of meaning! At least I think it does anyways. Fran, i don't want to be so sad! Email me soon, tell me how you are doing.

please read the end...bye!
Posted by black rose on Mon Feb 12 00:55:50 2001 (#3586)

Hi,I'm new here and this is my 1st time leaving a message on this board and I dont know exactly what to say so I'll just start off w/the basics...

I'm 14 years old and I've been cutting for about 2 years on and off at the begining but now I do it almost everyday...I cant stop myself. My parents recently found out and I have 2 go 2 a psychologist now.

my cuts are deep and everywhere you look and it might sound strange but when i cut I cant stop myself and they look like the most beautiful things I've ever seen. So much has happened in my life so far,but it's not as bad as other people I know. I'm the only person I know that cuts, I've spent nights by myself sleeping in a corner crying and because of my life. I hate it I feel so alone. I've slit my wrists more than 1ce and have tried taking my life multiple times...I'm afraid that this time i wont live through it and my cuts and scars will be revielled...if you have even cared 2 read to the end thankyou, atleast someone will hear what i have 2 say 4 1ce...thankyou and Bye! :*(

Re: please read the end...bye!
Posted by Jessica on Mon Feb 12 03:30:44 2001 (#3590)

Hi you didn't leave a name but welcome to the board (Canada) You'd be surprised by how much we all have in common, whether it is disorders, meds, eating disorders, or just feelings! I'll tell you one thing though, just because you don't know anyone that doesn't cut DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE! Keep that in mind. You are NOT alone. Oh by the way, I am 15 and have been cutting for five years. Feel free to email me anytime you need to vent or share stories. I know exactly how you feel about beautiful cuts. Do u write? They say on the net that most people who cut/burn have the most beautiful talents of writing or painting. I am a writer, myself. I know other people here have talents too!

Well, talk to u laterz Be safe, but do what helps you feel better.

Bye Glitter Babes! OXOX Jessica

Re: please read the end...bye!
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 12 05:19:56 2001 (#3594)

Oh,my dear rose! I read and cry. I feel for you, I so do! At least you've made the choice to live, and coming here is a way to help keep that going. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's all in the mind and has little to do with environment. I really want you to live through this and I'll do what I can to help! My rose, I wish I could do more than just type to you, but oh well. Keep posting here and let us know how you are. e-mail me when you feel, and Intstant Messenger me if you catch me online.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: please read the end...bye!
Posted by lost and lonly on Mon Feb 12 21:04:38 2001 (#3606)

im 14 and i have been cutting for 3 years. i was once where u are now. im just leaving that behind (or at least trying to) i have nearly managed to stop cutting but now quite i still have set backs but i dont cut nearly as much as i did. remember that everyone knows what you are going through and we will all be here to help u. hoping for you, Amanda

Re: please read the end...bye!
Posted by Butterflygoth on Mon Feb 12 23:41:30 2001 (#3614)

i just want to say i'm thinking of you, i won't type much else because i'm too drunk now.

love lots

Re: please read the end...bye!
Posted by Julie<3 on Tue Feb 13 21:56:13 2001 (#3625)

Hey christine it is julie from school i am so sorry hun and i just wanted to let you know that i care about you and that i <3 you and i am always here to talk to just remember that i am just a phone call away <3 yah Julie

thanks and goodbye
Posted by sharon on Mon Feb 12 02:16:44 2001 (#3587)

ok guys, as of last week, i was officially a month cut-free. i'm really glad to say that i don't feel the need to cut anymore and like colin that has sooooo much to do with Jesus. and y'all of COURSE!!! i can't begin to say how much this board has meant to me, i feel like i know y'all. fran, db, linda, strider, cheze, (ha, most of you guys aren't here!) everyone, thank you so much for being there and reading my "gut posts" i'll drop in every once and again to say hi and all. just wanted you guys to know that you are important to me. don't ever think no one cares, and just knowing you guys did helped get me thru some awful times. well, enough mushing around now, if anyone needs me, my e-mail address is above and my screen name is duffering1233. love all of you guys!

hugs,

sharon

Re: thanks and goodbye
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 12 04:15:08 2001 (#3592)

See you later Sharon. Like I said before, Jesus is the way.

love and prayers, Colin

I'm sorry
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 12 02:18:18 2001 (#3588)

I'm sorry that I haven't been here for the past while! I MISS ALL OF YOU! I know I'm not the best aat advice, but all you guys are! Thanks for being there for me when nobody else was. I was really busy this weekend, so thats why I couldn't post here. I was delerious from lack of sleep. AHHHH! Ah well, I'll talk to you all soon. Stay Strong! I love you guys! Alana

HEY AGAIN!!!
Posted by Cheze2 on Mon Feb 12 03:09:16 2001 (#3589)

hey it's been a long weekend for me and i just got back form the museum of fine arts in boston MA. i came back and there are like 500 new posts!!! i am amazed, so instead of writing to everyone, which i really would love to, but i don't have the time right now i have to goto bed soon. but i wish you all the best of wishes. i myself have been comming here for a few months now. i am very pleased to see that there is a lot more talk about eating disorders. because lately i've been feeling the same way about wanting to become anorexic and bulemic. i've gained 50lbs in the last year, i feel like a hunk of lard. i used to be anorexic, i just can't bring myself back to it. but it's soo very tempting. maybe just a week...just a week and i'll be allset, but anyways! have fun everyone, and please! feel free to e-mail me!

-me- aka Amanda

Re: HEY AGAIN!!!
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 12 04:11:26 2001 (#3591)

Good to see you back! Well, good in a way. I'd rather you be happy enough that you didn't need to come back, but if you need it this is the place! From reading the posts, there seems to be alot of eating disorder talk, which, though I won't be able to give direct advice, I can at least lend a caring ear. Good to hear from you again!

love and prayers, Colin

I hate you poetry
Posted by none on Mon Feb 12 05:06:01 2001 (#3593)

I see you in my dreams. I smile sweetly and walk slowly towards you. I run my hand gentlely down your face and on to your neck. I hold my hand there and look up at you and smile sweetly. I then thrust you back against the wall and begin to strangle you. Little sharp knives come out all over my hands. You look so surprised. I watch in satisfaction as you sweet smelling blood runs down my arms. You aren't dead yet (the power of dreams). I smile and lick some blood off your neck. Salty sweet. You've tortured me inside of my head. Go away! Your vile hands corrupting my flesh. I hate the way you smile slowly taunting me. You feed of pieces of me. Dark spirits surrounding me. Putting their dark wings behind people. Someone please hurt me so I can feel real. All these dead bodies floating around me. Moonlight clothes me in pale beauty. It is a beautiful dress. Tears of blood streaming softly down my pale cheeks. I don't know where I am. Can't breathe, can't live. This is my journey to nowhere. I am just flying across space. Looking for that lost star. There are no missing links in evolution. I know the saying goes, "When life hands you a lemon make lemonade." But what if you don't have any sugar?

Re: I hate you poetry
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 12 06:06:41 2001 (#3596)

There's obviously ALOT more going on here than I can fully understand, but I can say that I get a feeling from it that I have known all to well.

love and prayers, Colin

:( PLS DON"T GO KATE!:(:(
Posted by Ang on Mon Feb 12 05:43:12 2001 (#3595)

girlie ur such a help i love reading ur posting things are getting better on the bored i swear :( pls stay ang

Re: :( PLS DON"T GO KATE!:(:(
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 12 06:09:56 2001 (#3597)

I'm talking to you right now on Instant Messanger, so i guess any sort of post would be pretty stupid, huh?

Re: :( PLS DON"T GO KATE!:(:(
Posted by Ang on Mon Feb 12 07:41:38 2001 (#3598)

cheese ball

The End Of The World
Posted by Jessica on Mon Feb 12 14:19:04 2001 (#3599)

I'm off to school to take the state tests (CSAP) I hope for a good day. Has anybody seen Girl Interrupted? There is a song called The End Of The World. I love it. Well, hope everyone is well!

Love, Jessica

Re: The End Of The World
Posted by who cares on Mon Feb 12 18:28:46 2001 (#3600)

my fav movie!

behind my smile
Posted by beautiful and dying on Mon Feb 12 19:11:39 2001 (#3601)

Tired of being pretty Ugly on the inside Sick of glittering sparkling perfection stars Bored with it all Faking faking breaking Smile smile crying again I’m always feeling torn and slow No you don’t understand I always am I can’t close my eyes any more Darkness inside and out The ink is bloodjet This is the ink from my heart Help me I am withering Waiting for a miracle miracles don’t exist Cut my wrists and hope to die Across my heart and hope to die Where the fuck is anyone when my lights go out? Where the fuck am I these days? Sweet sickly smell overtake me again Feeling so lost and lonely these days Sorry my power sorry my lover I abused you Fuckers When will I be good enough? I am to blame for everything Guilty guilt guilt punishment guilt All a circle Punishment must fit the crime Left wing politics equality equality I’ll never be equal being the worst at everything The masses against me Me against me Life against me There are no live flowers in this torture garden It hasn’t worked for any price Hopeless hopeless worthless It’s too much to expect me to cope And sometimes I just give up when all they do is take Suck me dry too late My stars have been let out My scars are turning pink dead pink Wilted and they’re withering Shivering delivering my pain Slit my wrists and send me to heaven Let the angels hold my hand You all just seemed to leave Not that I blame you Fairy folk Angel wings Princess features Honey fuckers What is there to believe in? I’m tired of giving a reason I’m just unhappy for that reason Everyone asks what’s wrong But nothing’s fucking right Nothing ever goes right Nothing’s ever right No one laughs Nothing ever goes right since as long as I can remember I can’t even trust myself There is nothing to believe in Slit my wrists and hope to die….

Re: behind my smile
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 12 21:42:00 2001 (#3611)

That was absolutely beautiful! Awwwww, you hit hard with me. I can't stop crying! I wish that I was that talented and could put down everything I feel on paper. But it lives within me. Thank you for that. I means alot to me. Love, Alana

Re: behind my smile
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 13 10:26:36 2001 (#3617)

From the heart. That's what this is, writing that is truly from the heart. Writing like this makes my mind swirl just to think what's going on in yours. I realy want you to see that there is something to believe in that won't ever leave you. We care about you Helen, and I'm glad that you can let out your emotions with us.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: behind my smile
Posted by beautiful and dying on Tue Feb 13 19:27:51 2001 (#3622)

thanks so much baby dolls...that means more to me than most things...thanks so much, you two are really special now...you know your little beautiful words are all stuck in my rant book forever now... love and glittery bits xxxxxxxx

as a child
Posted by pixiedust on Mon Feb 12 19:20:21 2001 (#3602)

as a child

you wondered what was inside what made me depressed why i cryed it is because of flashbacks of a fu@ked up childhood full of punches and smacks being thrown into walls and just for drunk laughs my fu@kin sisters man, well ex thought it would be funny to pick me up by my neck and walk around and strangle me and soon after i was found in his house he was always very horny but i was only seven years old but he was still touchy he'd do things to me that made me cry and after i would ask myself 'why?' then when he was gone another asshole came except he was a family friend he did exactly the same i always thought it was over but i geuss not i was only nine years old i was a fu@kin child one difference was this guy was wild when the beating wasn't enough he ripped off my clothes and made me do other stuff my sister was down the hall but because his hand was over my mouth she didn't hear my painful call excruciating pain tears rolled down my face so i just layed there and didn't say anything just incase because i didn't know and i was afraid how far he'd go i mean he already raped me i didn't know if he'd put a knife to my throat so just layed there and shut up like i was told then before that a couple years back i watched my mother get bit@h slapped by my father, that stupid sob i could do nothing about it i was just little ol' me so i sat in the corner and cryed and watched wanting to help but i was too small he would have thrown me into a wall other sh!t happend too stuff in the back of my mind but i will never talk about it the truths you will never find it's just depression ya know, suicidal thoughts so up in these terrible emotions i get caught i bet you never knew all the sh!t i went through did you? but i feel bad because others have it worse and i thought i had it bad honestly i wish i had so that they could have gotten caught in their fu@kin act because i will never tell why should i it's the past i want to forget it so don't bring it up because my wrist will fill up with more cuts

Re: as a child
Posted by Jess on Mon Feb 12 19:24:27 2001 (#3604)

Well done.I love ya dude

Re: as a child
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 13 10:34:37 2001 (#3618)

How can people be such monsters. I just can't imagine what it all must have been like for you. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, so all I can do is let you know that I care about you. Please stay safe.

love and prayers, Colin

sex
Posted by ??????? on Mon Feb 12 19:20:59 2001 (#3603)

Does ny1 ever want sex for no reason at all.At the minute i'm totally gagging for it.Is it just another way to get rid of emotions? I'm so totally confused, can anybody help,

?

x

Re: sex
Posted by Nicke on Mon Feb 12 19:40:02 2001 (#3605)

Because of my childhood, sex has no meaning for me. So when people go on about sex being such a great and wonderful expression of love I just think WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!!! Although I wish I could think like that! So I sometimes gag for it. I don't go around sleeping with just anyone though. I tend to try and avoid having sex as much as possible because I can't enjoy it.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: sex
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 12 21:32:45 2001 (#3607)

Yah, that happens to me sometimes. I wouldn't say that I gag for it, I think they call it horny. Haha. Anyways, yes I have the same feeling. I don't act on it though. Its something I don't think I can handle right now. I haven't found that person inside of me that I want to be when I do have sex. She's just not there yet. Nor do I want her to be. I know I don't help much, but yah I feel the same way. But you can always release those feeling through sexual acts, not sex persay, but kissing and shit like that. IT helps. I dunno! Ok, Adios! Alana

Re: sex
Posted by Weazle on Mon Feb 12 22:58:57 2001 (#3613)

Hey, just thought id say that i totally feel like that but whatever you do dont act on the feelings unless you feel you really are with the right person, itll just completely damage whatever self esteem you have, and itll break u down inside, im not saying that it IS but it will leave you feeling dirty and slutty, beleive me i know ive been there. wait for someone speacial, give it to somebody worth it. i dont regret doing the stuff ive done in my life, not having sex anyway, but other uh, sexual acts, i have done certain things that i really wish i hadnt. and i feel good that i could get that person at first but then u look back and u feel easy and ....well u feel like a whore, if ur me anyway. :¬( so take my advice, stick with the self loving right now! hehehe.

luv y'all

Weazle

sry ....
Posted by black rose on Mon Feb 12 21:35:58 2001 (#3608)

sry i didnt leave my name it's Christine. I'd like to stay and post notes you all seem like a great group of ppl to talk to and share stories! I tried to kill myself yestaday by swallowing about 15 tylenol last night and past out in my room. I dont know what 2 do ne more and I thought I'd b good to talk and post notes...I already feel like I'm note alone and I've only posted 1 note! thankyou...I'll be back later... IM me if ne 1 needs to talk. buh byes, Christine

Re: sry ....
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 12 21:40:12 2001 (#3610)

Hi Christine! Welcome aboard. I'm glad that you like coming here. It has helped me alot. What happened last night? I'm sorry that you felt that you had to do it. God only knows I feel like that every night. But never once have I tried to kill myself. Fortunate. But I know that you have and alot of other people here have. I wish I could take it all away from you and everyone else. But I can't! Just live each day! Stay Strong! You have so many poeple here that care about you. Don't leave us! Luv and kisses, Alana

alana
Posted by black rose on Mon Feb 12 21:56:03 2001 (#3612)

Alana I didnt feel so good yestaday and I dont know if I'm more sry for trying it again or not actually dying. I hope to become friends w/every1 on this message board...I dont know what to say so I'll stop now...I'd like 2 hear from everyone and hear their stories! buh byes, Christine

Re: sry ....
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 13 10:48:07 2001 (#3619)

Glad you don't feel as lonely now. Like I said to you in a mail, I'm just happy you're alive! And you're right, it is good to post notes, so keep doing it! Talk to you later!

love and prayers, Colin

Locked Away
Posted by Jessica on Tue Feb 13 00:10:01 2001 (#3615)

My mom would lock me in her bedroom at night. I could hear the muffled voices of her and her fling for the night. I remember the crack of light underneath the door. I layed there, night after night. Waiting for her when she said she'd come and tuck me in or read me a story. She never once read to me in my life. My mom was a party girl. She loved men, attention from them makes her feel the best. When it started and I could hear her screaming, I cried. I knew what was happening outside in the living room. I just wanted her to come and lay with me, instead of spending endless nights with her men on our couch. I cried so hard I sobbed. I was lucky when she came in to yell at me to go back to sleep. She always got furious when I "interrupted". It never stopped...Her screams, being alone, I grew up as sex as a bad thing. This is why I can't enjoy it. I'm afraid, I get flashbacks. I've never shared this with ANYONE but it is how I feel. I wonder what my shrink would say. I think this traumatized me BIG TIME. Thanks for listening guys. love u.

Jessica

Re: Locked Away
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 13 10:56:32 2001 (#3620)

I wish I could say something to make it all better, but the best I can do is listen and love. It's good to get things like this out to help relieve some of the stress. You can share anything here, so if there's anything else inside that you need to get out, feel free, as it won't fall on deaf ears. And as for the trauma, I think you might be on to something there. Let us know how you're doing.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Locked Away
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 15 15:11:41 2001 (#3657)

Oh thats so awful you poor girl...you know I wish i could take away this stuff from ppl on the board. I don't know what to say apart from I am always here to help if you want to talk about your past or your future and if it ever gets too bad for both of us we can go to Canada. Do you have a place in Canada...like a swing or a chair or a placew by the lake. let me know babe Okay....I'm thinking of you and all those horrible flashbacks you're going through. hold on. Love Fran P.S I'm away for one week and then I'll be able get back to you

identification!
Posted by Jessica3 on Tue Feb 13 00:12:30 2001 (#3616)

there seems to be two "Jessica"'s in Canada, so I will put "3" on the end of my name so u guys can idetify us!

p.s. LOCKED AWAY is by me

Jessica3

For Fran and others...stopping meds
Posted by Maggie on Tue Feb 13 11:46:57 2001 (#3621)

I was reading your post from the other day. I gave up taking my meds around 10 days ago, and I still haven't gone back on them. I know what you mean about not being able to stand the numbness...I thought it would be better the feel depressed again rather than feel nothing. Withdrawel was horrible... I was on Citalopram and Amitriptyline so it could be different. I told my psych about it and he obviously has told my shrink because his number keeps appearing on my Caller ID. I wont answer the phone coz we had deal that I take pills and try stop cutting or he sends me to hospital.

Anyway, I don't regret stopping although I was dog sick for 6 days or so. It gets better. However I immediately went back to cutting after having stopped for 5 weeks. I cut bad again, evry night worse than before. I am not emotionly numb now either... I am extremely hypersensitive and I burst into tears all the time for no reason. I cant even read newspaper without crying. I have never been a crying sort of person either. It's real weird. I just lie in bed wanting to die now, even though 2 weeks ago when on pills still, life couldn't have been better. No circumstances have changed since then, just my brain chemistry. So be really careful... stopping can fuck with your mind worse than the actual pills. You may find that you can't stay off them long. But make sure that before stopping that you have your life as sorted as it possibly can be, because you are in for a huge internal rollercoaster ride, so you need as much outside stability as possible first.

Re: For Fran and others...stopping meds
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 15 14:59:33 2001 (#3654)

I hope you're okay Maggie I remember that you stopped. I went back on them because I couldn't sleep at all and I can't sort out my life because I'm living in my past. Oneday I will be able to....one day HuH. The best of Luck..I completely respect what you decide. Thankyou for thinking of me. Love Fran

my mission
Posted by Ang on Tue Feb 13 19:28:58 2001 (#3623)

my missoin is to make every body i know aware of national self injury day (march 1st) some freek soem laugh but all will be knowledgeable of the subject so pls ask every one you known to reada artical or watcha program that obtaines to self injury i love you all pls be safe and by the way VALINTINES DAY IS TOMAROW my fav holiday!! hugs and kisses Ang

Re: my mission
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 13 20:57:24 2001 (#3624)

Hey, I checked that site out and it said that SELF INJURY DAY was March 1st 1999 and it didn't make it clear whether or not it was an annual thing or just for that year. However if it this turns out to be the case then it won't matter we will still have a inter-national SELF INJURY DAY on this board.

Nicke. XXXX

P.S. happy Valentines day also.

Re: my mission
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 14 05:36:19 2001 (#3634)

You know, that's a very good idea. All the people in my shool (well, the school I just finished going to) know about it from me and Lither, and I know for a fact that most people don't know a thing about it. Have fun on Valentines Day!

love and prayers, Colin

flash backs
Posted by Jess on Tue Feb 13 23:21:07 2001 (#3626)

recently i've been having flashbacks of what has happened to me.I've never had them B4 and they're really freakin me out.They make me feel bad and i've started cuttin again.I've got no idea what to do with myself,its startin to put me off my schoolwk.Can any1 help me i'm so confused?

Jess

X

Re: flash backs
Posted by blackrose on Wed Feb 14 02:13:50 2001 (#3628)

Jess I know what your talking about I have them alot they make me feel worse 'bout everything....if you ever need 2 talk I'm here just e-mail me or IM me if you can! buh byes, Christine

Re: flash backs
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 14 06:04:00 2001 (#3635)

I've never had anything like that but I can imagine that it would freak anybody out. As for things to do, you've done a good one posting and letting us know. I don't know what I can say... I realy don't.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: flash backs
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 14 12:17:56 2001 (#3639)

Oh Jess babe...it must be hell. My friend Laura has rape flashbacks..it drives her over the edge and she wants to end it. It's heartbreaking to see. Please email me tell me a bit more about it. Are you still in the situation? You need to talk to someone if you not in the medical profession please talk to me , I am here. You need to have someone to support you...I will do this to the best of my ability. You need to make sense of whats happened to you. It makes me so angry that this happens the beautiful girls with potentially the rest of there lives ahead of them. You have been through traumatic experiences and it's a no wonder you cut.....you've been through more than a lifetimes worth. If you don't email me I will email you. I'm not on line at home at this moment..only at college...so it might take me s little more time to get back to you. SORRY about that Jess. BUT BABE don't give up I'M GOING TO BE HERE. Take care Hun Franxxxx

Pills?
Posted by ??????? on Tue Feb 13 23:25:37 2001 (#3627)

What are the main reasons that some of you are on pills? I dont really understand that much.Do you know if there's a certain age for you to take them.I'm real curious.

Re: Pills?
Posted by Maggie on Wed Feb 14 10:48:47 2001 (#3637)

The stuck me on pills because they thought I was a risk to myself. Supposedly anti-depressants would make me happy so that I wouldn't feel the need to cut. It worked for a while, but I went off them last week after the side effects weren't worth it.

I am 19 and I don't know if there is an certain age you have to be. Try it without them though if at all possible.

Re: Pills?
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 14 12:27:20 2001 (#3640)

I'm on paroxetine an antideppressant for my deppression. Doctors give pills usaully for clinical deppression (persistant and enduring deppression) but also for anxiety, stress and high doses of prozac( 5Omg) for Bulimia. There is no age barrier, if you are deppressed, suicidal etc. you can have them...though like Maggie said they're supposed to be this happy pill but all I feel is numb. When i stop taking them I cut more but at least I'm feeling something. They're definately NOT this miracle cure, but for some they work amazingly and others well they still feel like dying everyday

Re: Pills?
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 14 16:41:24 2001 (#3642)

I am taking sertraline or zoloft whichever you want to call it. They are for depression. I only started taking them about 2 weeks ago so they haven't had a chance to start working yet. From what I have heard about them though the pills I am taking are pretty bad so if I start to get any wierd side effects form the pills them I am going to see my doctor again. Also I am 17 on MARCH 2ND so I don't think you have to be a certain age.

Re: Pills?
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Feb 14 21:03:09 2001 (#3645)

i'm also pn paroxetine, aka paxil, i'm 14 and have been on various anti depressents like paxil and prozac for a little over a year now, so yeah, any age can take them.

Valentines' Day
Posted by black rose on Wed Feb 14 02:21:05 2001 (#3629)

For all of you lonely on Valentines' Day I'm always here w/hugs and kisses to comfort ne 1 of you, just don't b lonely 'cuz there is always someone that cares and will be there for you!!! xoxoxo!!! buh byes, Christine

~Happy Valentines' Day~

Re: Valentines' Day
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 14 16:44:07 2001 (#3643)

Did any one get a Valentines card. I did from my next door neighbour, who has been bothering me for the past 2 weeks. He asked me out for a drink and I said I couldn't as My fave footie team were playing!!! LOL!!!

Hope you got lots of cards everyone, and Happy Valentines to you all!!

Nicke. XXXX

please read.I'll post more...i luv these..thanx:O)
Posted by blackrose on Wed Feb 14 02:52:39 2001 (#3630)

what do you do when no one cares and no one wants to know where do you go to escape the torment of life to relieve the pain inside who can you turn to when you are alone with your own silent screams and only a cold blade for comfort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I am silent, I am screaming, Why can't you hear what I don't say? I tell you so much when I am quiet, Why don't you ever seem to understand?

There's a rage that flows in blood, A sacrifice that no one understands. There are tears that I can't cry, except in this redder hue.

When you knew, you just didn't get it, And now you have forgotten. Why didn't you help me then? Why must I struggle now?

It's been years, but now it's back, demanding it's pay, it's due. I have to answer when it calls, I have to give in, I have no choice

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What Would Happen What would happen Were I to turn inside out? Would you want to see? - Would you want to know? – What these wounds of mine are?

Would you truly like that?; What would you say? What would you think? What would you feel? Were I to reveal my true self?

Would I destroy you? What price would you pay When I unmasked my soul, With it’s welts and its wounds, With it’s chasms and voids?

Whilst you may think, you Wish to know me, Whilst you think, there Wouldn’t be anything terrible to see Whilst at times I wish it were so;

With all laid bare, tears would Well permanently in your eyes. With one emergence from my Walls, completely lost from each other We would be, forever more.

Why would you want to know? What cruelties and burdens I Would bring unto you! With what reasoning could I ever do that? While it hurts you some, that I keep a distance

Well it be for you. Whilst you may not see Why I keep to myself With all my heart I swear What I do, I do for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Needs Unmeet, Desire Unspoken

She sits all alone In the bare, dark room So close to them all But yet so far away. Her heart cries out, Her mind cries out, Her body cries out… but silently.

Someone comes in, Hope fills her being as she lifts her head. They look around. But they do not see. They do not know. They leave and she Cannot call them back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The caged bird.

The caged bird Exists Alone, trapped, concealed, And unaware of joy lying beyond the cage.

But he is not unhappy, Just aware something is missing, He doesn’t know what Or how it is obtained So dismisses instinct.

Moments of contentment Of play and joy. Mix with boredom, sorrow, pain, suppressed. Pressure builds, the moment of truth - Gradual awakening

Listening to the call of flight. Reality seeps in. Realization is painful, He shrinks and cowers Misery increasing. .

The lull of a friendly voice The unconditional love of another Are the key to peace. They call to him. With trust and hope instilled The caged bird springs forth

Tentatively tasting life For the first time, the bird spreads his wings and rides heaven bound upon the wind.

The caged bird Flying free Is the most beautiful site of all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Plea

I’m the one in the camouflage Of wallpaper clothes. Curled up in my ball on the floor. Wishing I were A fly on the wall, Instead of this pile of lard.

There is one corner Of this vast room, Where light does not fall That is where I am. And where You forcefully cast your gaze.

You shouldn’t have to see me, You don’t deserve that repulsion. That burden, stress or strain. So please don’t go looking In that shadowy place. For

There really is no need. You’ll be fine and free. Do go to the others and Let me fade into the background. Let me leave you quietly. Let this be my gift to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Untitled

Distraction, Through interaction. Hide, suppress, conceal. Cutting, bleeding, scarring - appeal All keep tears at bay, Don’t admit hope has gone away. Deny emotion. Deny the longing to stay Real. - The urge to trust and truly confide. Be there for them, but be sure to hide. Close down, clam up . Sit and rock waiting to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Untitled

My eyes are stinging but I’m too scared to cry, My heart is aching and I cannot explain why, My body is tired and cannot help but sigh, My mind watches as my soul begins to die.

Re: please read.I'll post more...i luv these..than
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 14 06:20:05 2001 (#3636)

..... speechless.... I am speechless. Thank you for sharing with us.

Im still alive & kicking!
Posted by SImon on Wed Feb 14 04:19:49 2001 (#3632)

Hi folks. yep im still here but have not posted or even visited for a while. the truth is, although its quite selfish given all of u who need to talk to people who arnt cutting (4 now) but know how u feel, i never have the time anymore and its difficult to get a computer terminal at uni where u have enough privicy for students not to see where im going on the net. here is a little thing i just found on the web:- (ps. feel free 2 mail me anytime u like - even if ur new and havent posted to me before!)

Lessons Learned

----------------------- ------------------------------ ---------------------------

I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that a fool thinks that he can hang around fools, and not become a fool. Age 24

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73

I've learned that "...the greatest of these (really) is love". (1Chorinthians13). Age 24

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 29

I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I've learned that life is too short to be lived behind a desk. Age 24

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

one more thing
Posted by SImon on Wed Feb 14 04:56:54 2001 (#3633)

i know i just posted but i just gotta say 1 more thing before i try 2 get some sleep. i was talking to my mum tonight who is on sick leave from her teaching job after a breakdown (to match my dad's which was also complemented by drug and alcohol addictions) and she said something which was so strange. she was telling me how she is worried about my brother (13) and sister(17) with regards to him not eating properly and just her in general. then she said "...but you've never really seemed to have any problems with depression or mood swings..". i swear i almost laughed out loud. The thing is that she knows about my cutting (well a little about when i cut last year) and i even once confessed to multiple suicide attempts throughout my teenage life. i think i will have to put that one down to the drugs she was just put on by the doc. we are such a funny family. to the outside world we seem like such a good middle-class family but every single member has so many issues that we could fill a medical encyclopedia (or at least the psyce section) i think im just rambeling now but anyone who wants a chat or to ask me something serious or whatever then dont hesitate in mailing me at s.j.richardson@unn.ac.uk

Simon

Re: one more thing
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 14 12:38:09 2001 (#3641)

It's so ironic when people say that to you. "you seem so happy" when you've just tried to kill yourself or "I wish I could eat as much as you and be that thin" when you've just been making yourself sick. Perhaps we over compensate for our deppressive state and I think with your mother it's a case of denial wanting to ignore. My mother was exactly like this, until My psychiatrist told her to take it seroiusly now I just get shouted and screamed and told to pull myself together. AHHHH in life there seems to be no happy medium

my life
Posted by lost and lonly on Wed Feb 14 11:21:23 2001 (#3638)

hey i feel so bad i cut the other day. i hadnt cut for so long now i have and i feel as though i have let so many people down. why can i just sort myself out. this is soo awful i want to die. i dont believe how bad this feels.... bye

Re: my life
Posted by Weazle on Wed Feb 14 20:29:45 2001 (#3644)

hey, your not letting anyone down so relax and if other people make you feel different well its their problem if they cant deal with it. its good that you want to sort yourself out so do i, but think about yourself, your not letting anybody down apart from yourself i guess, not even you. people only get mad or angry when you do it cause they care for you, and they dont understand that it is releiveing, they dont understand how hurt and pain can feel good in that way. i dont know what else to say but hope u feel better. luv weazle here 2 stay xxxxx

Re: my life
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 15 05:29:13 2001 (#3648)

Oh dear.. don't EVER feel like you let anyone down! Ever! No one is let down that you cut again, we're proud of you for trying! I know that you feel horrible about this, and we're here to help. When I first stopped two years ago I was CERTAIN I was done for good. But here I am. And now I'm certain that I'm done again. I'm a testament to the fact that you can get through this. You WILL! You can do this! We all believe in you and will do what we can to help. It's tough, I know. Sometimes a relapse can be worse than when you're first cutting. Don't end it. We're here to help you.

love and prayers, Colin

Intake Eval
Posted by Cheze2 on Thu Feb 15 00:00:48 2001 (#3646)

hey, i just wanted u all to know, that i have an intke evaluation for a psych hospitial tomorrow...i'm so nervous, a part of me really wants to go and just flip out, jsut let everything go, I dont care if they have to put me in the QR and give me tranquilizers, i just wanna let it all out... but i also don't want my parents to know that i have been feeling that bad lately. i dunno, i just get really uncomfortable when my parents find out how i really feel. so i dunno, i most likely will be in a psych hosp by the end of this week...probably tomorrow if my parents find out cause my grammy is bringing me there, and they cant legally tell her, only my parents. so...who knows...anyways, that's what's going on here...living...unfourtunatly

-ME-

Re: Intake Eval
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 15 05:45:47 2001 (#3649)

I've never been inside a psyke hospital, so I can only imagine what it's like. A friend of mine's brother was in one for a while and he said it was worse for him. I hope that everything works out for you with the hospital. It is weird when your parents know how you're feeling, isn't it? It's like you have to be on gaurd when you're around them. It's an uneasy feeling to say the least. And I'm happy to hear that you ARE living! Better than the alternative. Hope you get a chance to read this.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Intake Eval
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 15 15:03:06 2001 (#3655)

Poor babe. i'll be thinking of you loads. I often feel liketrying to kill myself and then check my self in so I can get doped up and lay in bed all day and not have to speak. But then I know they'd make me eat and I'd get HUGE and for thats my only freedom to make myself to make my body skeletal. Love and Hugs Fran

poem...just bcuz
Posted by blackrose on Thu Feb 15 03:35:43 2001 (#3647)

As she sits all alone in her corner of darkness she remembers her past, soo painful that it cuts right through her like razor tracks. Ahh...the tears of red show their true beauty as they slowly trickle down her body from razor kisses where tracks are left in her soft broken flesh. The pain is released as the blood drips, but it's only gone for those few moments. As she wraps up her "kisses" she heads off to act like nothing ever happened hopingno one will ever know of her "beauty". She feels threats from her past again with a voice inside of her screaming of all the pain she has inside. This time it's worse, much worse! Why wont it end? She thinks to herself. She quickly runs back to her small corner where she takes out the razors once more. The power of her pain is unbearable and uncontrolable this time that she can't stop. As she reaches her last "kiss" she suddenly falls to the ground. Her body cold,breathless lay motionless in her dark corner covered in her red tears never to cut again for she can no longer reach for the razor and have one last "kiss". For her angels of death have taken her away...and freed her from her pain.

Re: poem...just bcuz
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 15 05:58:53 2001 (#3650)

Oh rose. Your poetry is so amazing. The images that are put in my mind are so, so... I can't even describe it. It makes me cry. Rose, my heart aches for you.

love and prayers, Colin

strider..thanx
Posted by black rose on Fri Feb 16 02:14:12 2001 (#3661)

thanx no one ever likes my poetry or what i have 2 say...i love 2 write and draw and no one really appreciates ne of it...thank you! Christine (black rose)

Just to say Hi
Posted by heavenleigh on Thu Feb 15 12:05:45 2001 (#3651)

I haven't posted on here for ages but I doesn't mean I'm not thinking about everyone - happy thoughts to all of you. I'm trying to concentrate on not becoming stressed by working to hard at the moment, although I'm doing OK so far I sometimes get a bit obsessed. I think I have to be perfect and have read incredible ammounts sometimes. Love and glitter for everyone Sarah

Re: Just to say Hi
Posted by Nicke on Thu Feb 15 12:16:53 2001 (#3653)

Don't overdo it. Just because you cover up the problem doesn't mean that it has gone away. You really should speak to ppl to help with your problems.

Stay strong and e-mail me any time. Nicke. XXXX

Re: Just to say Hi
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 16 05:13:34 2001 (#3663)

Always nice to hear from you! It sounds like you're doing better, which is always a plus. I know what you mean about obsessed. My self when I get so consumed with something it really drives me nuts. And don't think that you have to be perfect, we love you as you are!

love and prayers, Colin

SHRINK!!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Feb 15 12:14:12 2001 (#3652)

I have recieved a letter this morning to arrange an appointment with a shrink. I keep telling ppl that I am small enough already! LOL-poor joke, I'm sorry.

I don't know whether or not to go. I saw my councellor again last nite for the first time in over a month and she still messes with my head. She said she is not prepared to councell me as it is not what I really want.

Should I go to see the Shrink or will they just tell me the same thing? That unless I really want councelling then it isn't goiing to work!

My head is messed up too much lately and I don't know what to do. Please help.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: SHRINK!!!!!
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 15 15:07:35 2001 (#3656)

I see a psychiatrist.....he's fine he's not that bad....I haven't felt more happier but you should go because most do listen. You can change if you don't like the first one you see. You can use them as your support network...they can help you make sense of the things that have happened to you. i would go.....remember you don'y have to tell them anyhting you don't want to. Ultimately they are there to help. You can't always do it alone. it wonn't be a miracle cure...but it's someone there for you. It's absurd the fiirst time but strangely it's easier to talk to strangers about your problems. Love ya good luck Hun. Fran Email me if you want otask anything but I'll be away for this week..so It might be bit late in replying

SHRINK!!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Feb 15 18:19:17 2001 (#3658)

Hope you have a nice time. And Thanx

Nicke. XXXX

Re: SHRINK!!!!!
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 16 05:30:32 2001 (#3664)

Having no experiensce in this field, don't rely on my advice too much here, but I'll still offer it. I'd say that you should go see the shrink. Why? Well, as of now you only have one opinion that says you aren't ready for counciling. If you go to the Shrink you'll have anothe opinion. If they say that you actually want counciling, then mabey you do. If they say you're not ready for it, then for sure you aren't. Well that's my take on it.

love and prayers, Colin

Lonliness
Posted by pixiedust on Thu Feb 15 21:20:47 2001 (#3659)

Lonliness

where did everyone go, it's dark and i'm alone, arms around my knees, rocking back and fourth, tears roll down my cheek, it was only a second ago, that i took those pills , and watched that glass, slowly fall to the ground, and shatter into a million peices, just like my life, sweat on my body, but i feel so cold, i shiver, i lay down next to the broken glass, i rest my cheek on my hand, closing my eyes, taking a breath, it's finally over, finally death.

Re: Lonliness
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 16 05:47:10 2001 (#3665)

Oh pixiedust, I'm right here and so is everyone else. We're right here for you. e-mail me, alright? And IM me if you ever catch me online (name's UndeadLine on the AOL IM). Write me when you feel like it, OK? And remember, we're all right here for you.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Lonliness
Posted by pixiedust. on Fri Feb 16 19:04:26 2001 (#3668)

thankyou. i dont have IM tho'. i just want some 1 too fill whats missing in me :¬( *hug* thanx. x.x.x

poem
Posted by what's-her-name on Thu Feb 15 21:21:36 2001 (#3660)

You are the lump within my throat. The broken left horn of a devils' goat. The seasoned liar with snow white hands. A shallow fire that I can't stand. You are the itch in the middle of my back. When I walk past a hive, you're the bee that attacks. You are the mirror that distorts my face. The scars on my arm that time can't erase. You are the stench a corpse produces. That every passing car gradually reduces. You are the rotted apple falling from the tree. The dying luck that comes in three's. You are the blemish in the perfect jewel. The bullet that kills the children in school. You are the mark that abuse tends to leave. The rotting heart I wear on my sleeve. You are the scream the new mother cries when she finds herself living while her baby dies. You are the hate that lives in us all. When others are rising, you are the fall. You are the death I'll seek in the morning. A gasp and a choke without any warning. You are the cancerous mole on my hip. The blister on the inside of my lip. You are the saint that lives to deceive. And I am the girl who actually believed.

Re: poem
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 16 06:06:41 2001 (#3666)

Wow. I wish I knew your name so I knew who's poetry I was complimenting. It's very good. I can apply this to many a person, place, and feeling I've known. Keep posting with more poetry, thoughts, feelings, and whatever, and write me if you feel. love and prayers, Colin

What's Her Name's Poem
Posted by Mia on Sun Feb 18 11:00:24 2001 (#3695)

I just wanted to tell you your poem kicks!!!!

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!GOD!
Posted by Ang on Fri Feb 16 02:59:25 2001 (#3662)

help me pls my mom is flip[ing out becasu emy doctor and theripist want to put me on antie depresents and she like UR firne there's NOTHING wrong with u HOW DOES SHE KNOW SHE WON'T EXEPT REALITY she blocks things out makes them seem the way she wants to see them she's a child i'm the mother GOD i feel like crap Ang

Re: MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!GOD!
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 16 06:17:24 2001 (#3667)

Oh Ang, that has got to be hell on you. Your mom won't accept that anything's wrong so she makes up a "truth" in her mind. It's going to hard for her to accept it, and that's a lot of stress on you. I hope that you feel better.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!GOD!
Posted by black rose on Fri Feb 16 21:40:21 2001 (#3670)

ang, my parents dont wanna except the fact that I cut eitha they dont know what to do about the anti depressants. If you need to talk I'm here. buh byes, christine

LIER!!!
Posted by Nicke on Fri Feb 16 19:56:06 2001 (#3669)

I spoke to my councellor for the first time in over a month the other day and I told her about the things that have been happening to me since we last spoke. I told her about seeing my abusers face, about seeing shadows when it is dark and I am alone. I told her about the thoughts that I get in my head telling me to kill myself. I told her everything. She basically turned around and told me that she didn't believe me and that I was lying. What do I say to that. Now I feel stupid because I feel that maybe she is right. Maybe it didn't really happen. After all that she went and told me that she cares about me on a personal not just professional level. It has all sent my head west. I went to her to talk as she is not involved. She is an independant person who doesn't know me so she can offer impartial advice. I just don't know what to do?????

Nicke. XXXX

Re: LIER!!!
Posted by Masque d'etoiles on Sat Feb 17 00:02:37 2001 (#3672)

Here's the wonderful thing about perception:

if you experience it, it happened.

I don't know what she was thinking when she told you it didn't. Maybe she didn't want you to dwell on it, maybe she was trying to let you know that you weren't crazy. Maybe it's part of some thing they teach you when you go for your degree.

I've been fighting with myself about seeing the college's therapist. I'm actually terrified of having something like what you decribed happen. Be that as it may, I don't know anything about the whole deal. However, my inexpert advice would be to ask her to be more clear, ask her why she said she didn't believe you.

I'm not sure if it's a good thing that she cares about you personally. I know there are different schools of thought about that, and I've no way of knowing to which she subscibes. If you would rather have someone who is impersonal, it might not be a good thing.

In any case, good luck.

Re: LIER!!!
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 17 07:17:41 2001 (#3677)

Wow. That's pretty rough. I just wonder why she would actually say that. Truly, only you yourself really do know wether or not these things are happening to you, so at least be honest to yourself. That's all I can say. Be honest to yourself because you're the only person you can never escape.

lopve and prayers, Colin

ughhhh....dont ask
Posted by Weazle on Fri Feb 16 22:34:30 2001 (#3671)

god i feel so shit! i dont know why im writing but it seemed to make me feel better last time so here i go... well today this total bitch in my class, shes one of those girls who is perfect in every damn way, well she was rude to me and she was so damn evil, i just wanted to punch her! valentines day was just crap, i got no cards surprise surprise, and i burnt myself for the first time. it felt so good, i never thought it could! me and my close friend had a huge fight, she was real cruel... im feeling so lonely, i know the only person i could ever be with.... he/she just doesnt exist... the closest is patrick but hes in a completely different continent. i need somebody who relates and is sensitive but STABLE, that is like the key word. my so-called boyfriend told me he thinks im unstable, he hasnt contacted me for 2 weeks. i thought i was stable but it got me thinking, of course im not. if i was stable, id be happier, i wouldnt need to injure myself, and i wouldnt be so goddam sad, i wouldnt be wishing for the buzzing lightbulb above my head in english to burst and kill me or at least give me brain damage. and i just cant cry. stupid bullies. been stuffed into my head like a cork, not to cry. and from then on i just CANT cry, i physically cannot, and that is what i need. if i could cry, i wouldnt yhave to resort to letting myself bleed. why cant i be happy without resorting to extreme measures? why must i be "bad" to feel happy.... why must i depend on others to make me feel happy.... im so fuckin' selfish just ignore me ive nothing to be ungrateful for, ive nothing TO hate.....sorry for cluttering up your board with myself.

Weazle

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: ughhhh....dont ask
Posted by Masque d'etoiles on Sat Feb 17 00:09:07 2001 (#3673)

I wish I had words for you. Alas, I've only words I've used for myself, that give no comfort.

Write here all you want, please. As I said before, much of what you write seems familiar.

I'd say more, but I don't know if it would be of any use.

Re: ughhhh....dont ask
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 17 07:49:06 2001 (#3678)

I does feel better, doesn't it? I know about the crying. For the longest time I could not cry. Physicaly could NOT cry. Something just would not let me. The only time I would cry was while cutting myself (not from pain, seeing as how there was none, but just because of the release of emotions). I had alomst completely killed my emotions because I thought that it was the only way to be strong. It took me a LONG time to learn how to cry, and to this day I still cry with a stone face. And just because you feel bad does NOT mean you're selfish, because you're not. Everyone needs somebody to help them at some point. Another thing is that it doesn't matter wether you have nothing to hate or everything to hate, people like us (you, me, everyone on the board) have this idea that there is something wrong with ourselves. It makes no sense, I know, but it's there. So please, don't feel like your problems are just wasting space on the board because it's not like that. Your problems are exactly that; problems, and I for one would rather you tell us about them than keep them inside. We all know what happens then and that's not something I want to happen to you.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: ughhhh....dont ask
Posted by Nicke on Sat Feb 17 13:33:09 2001 (#3681)

I now what it is like not to be able to cry. I hadn't cried for so long then something happened and I don't think I stopped crying for days. Now I am back to the inability to cry. I get frightened, tears well in my eyes and just stay there. My body cries but my eyes stay dry.

So you are not alone and pls share when you are feeling low or just like crap!

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

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