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Threads 901 to 950

burst of paraniod inspiration
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Jan 30 12:52:04 2001 (#3311)

faces, hide their eyes behind pity and horror These small truths escape the mask of anonimity as I sink, tiny invader, beneath mirrorball conciousness - a sea of fragments to break and conceal me within their silver masks. I dress myself in reflections, eyeliner for the soul. I breathe my own air, I stammer my self to sleep.

I am in the library at uni and my antidepressants/anti anxiety tabs have suddenly stopped working. Had to write it out and this was the result. I will post some more polished poetry when I have calmed down more. I always feel better for writing, searching for words controls emotion and makes it manageable.

Re: burst of paraniod inspiration
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 30 14:35:01 2001 (#3312)

Well I hope you do write more poetry because like so many other people on this board, you have talent!

Nicke. XXXX

Re: burst of paraniod inspiration
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 30 19:43:16 2001 (#3322)

I'm SO SO HAPPY you've started to put your poetry on the board...and I love it...it's wonderful...the way those words fall into place..I can't describe the way I feel when I read it but I'll start thinking. Sunshine and Angeldust' Fran

Re: burst of paraniod inspiration
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 31 05:19:08 2001 (#3335)

Another person helped by writing! It's great that it helps you control what's happening. I've never taken any medication, so I can only imagine what it's lke to have them all of a sudden kick out. Always feel free to post your poetry and writings. It helps to know that people like us, that care and understand, are reading them.

love and prayers, Colin

zoloft
Posted by lys on Tue Jan 30 18:10:34 2001 (#3316)

I was recently put on zoloft, but since I started I have been getting bad stomach cramps and I get dizzy. I told my doctor, but he wants me to stay on them. My dose was just raised again, so now they are a bit worse. Has anyone here experienced this tupe of thing before?? if so, when does it go away??? or does it?? lys

Re: zoloft
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jan 31 04:02:30 2001 (#3331)

I was on Zoloft for a little while but I got off pretty quick because it made me crazy. I reccomend getting on a different medication. And, if your doctor doesn't want to change it, get a new doctor.

stay safe

Re: zoloft
Posted by lys on Wed Jan 31 04:15:02 2001 (#3332)

my doctor is pretty hung up on my overdosing, so I can understand his concerns. Zoloft has a very low toxicity rate, so it won't kill me if i were to od (either that or they just want me to think it!). Anyways, I am talking to my dr tomorrow, so I don't know if he will switch me again.... all drugs do the same thing to me, but it is them or the hospital... lys

Re: zoloft
Posted by Fran on Wed Jan 31 13:18:11 2001 (#3345)

my psychiatrist put me on paroxetine instead of prozac because prozac is an appetite suppressant and I have bulimia and a history of anorexia. Personally I think this is a bit strange..there are many other ways to suppress the appetite and I use them....including amphetamines and they're worried about prozac. If you wanted to kill yourself you would use all the other ways to do it and your doctor is keeping you on something just because it's less toxic. You can overdose on paracetamol (not that I'm giving you ideas) but my point is doctors really aren'y very logical at all. Hope you can change to a brand that will really help. I personally haven't experienced much of a difference at all and I've been on anti deps for nearly 2 months.

I SAW HIS FACE!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 30 19:41:50 2001 (#3321)

I saw his face. I was walking home before when I felt a hand on my waist. I turned around and saw David. The man that abused me. Except when I looked back there was no-one there. No-one for ages down the street. It couldn't have been David as he doesn't now where I live and he lives in another part of the country. I was so frightened that I ran all the way home. I only stopped crying a few minutes ago. I think I cried so much because I haven't been able two cry for a long time. AM I GOING INSANE?!?!?!

Nicke. XXXX

Re: I SAW HIS FACE!!!
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 30 19:50:07 2001 (#3323)

NO your are not going insane. You've been through such a traumatic experience and I WISH I WISH I couldn't take it all away from you. I HATE him for what he did to you. I hope he rots in Hell....infact he deserves worse than hell. Him and all the other abusers. Do you have anyone who can be with you tonight? I hate to think your alone. maybe you saw him ...he's bound to be in your head...seing him in your thoughts and dreams as as bad as seeing him in person. It must of brought all the horror back to you. Oh yourtoo young....everyone on this board is too young to have had to go through all of this. I wish everyone was happy. Nicke do you want to go to Canada with me? you can share my bed tonight I'll make sure you won't feel frightened. I hate that SICK SICK DIGUSTING MAN. I HATE HIM........HE WILL GET HIS HE WILL GET HIS THE FUCKING BASTARD. LOve and thoughts Fran

Re: I SAW HIS FACE!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 30 20:05:48 2001 (#3324)

Thanx for your concern Fran, and yes I will try to be around people tonight. I am going to the Doctor's on Monday about my depression and SI. I have realised now that I need some help however I am just a little...well a lot actually...scared. I know it is stupid but I've never had to rely on people until recently so I don't want to rely on drugs.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: I SAW HIS FACE!!!
Posted by Jess on Tue Jan 30 21:14:40 2001 (#3328)

Well Done.You've made a big step and thats good.I wish i was as brave as you.Im still living in my own little world with strange thoughts running round my head.I SI,i'm only 14 and i've had so much wrong done to me.I don't want to stop SI i've done it for so long now it's just a way of life. Im glad to hear ure sorting ureself out.Good luck to ya man.Live on.Smile :->

Re: I SAW HIS FACE!!!
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 31 05:23:49 2001 (#3336)

Oh, dear you are not going insane. I'm not surprised at all that you would still be haunted by him. That's a traumatic thing to have happen to you. Again, I can't fully understand what that must do to you on the inside, so all I can say is that I'm here for you.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I SAW HIS FACE!!!
Posted by Christine on Wed Jan 31 06:43:34 2001 (#3342)

Its ok.I see his face too.In dreams and as I fall asleep sometimes.Hes there and I cant do anything.I am a helpless child.I feel so vonerable.I make sure windows and doors are locked and sometimes when I'm homealone all I can do is quiver in my bed.I'm scared hes here.Its been seven years.He was in jail.We got a letter saying thet were releasing him.We never saw the man again and we dont know were he is and just knowing he could be in my house makes me shake.Theres nothing you can do.Its not your fault there are sick people in this world.They are the ones that need help.You were helples under the power of a deranged creature. If you ever wanna talk my IM is Godess1357.

why me?
Posted by Pippa on Tue Jan 30 21:09:41 2001 (#3327)

hey every1! i'm caught in my depression, there's no way out. no1 cares bout me. my friends found out I'd started cuttin my arms again, and now no1's talkin 2 me. that makes me feel worse, so i cut myself more. i feel theres nothin left to do.

Let the darkness gather. Let the thunder roll. My last breathes will be screams. OF the pain of my tortured soul. I await my hour of darkness. MY love for you all unbroken. Then silently I'll slip away. When my final thoughts have spoken.

I did turn away from cutting myself for a while. that was when I got in rouble for drinkin, smokin and drugs. i thought that if i cut my arms, every2 would leave me alone because i'm not doing anythin illegal, and I'm not riskin anyone else. unfortunately, the teachers now check my arms to make sure that I haven't cut them anymore.

loads of love

pippa (for all your bondage requirements)(not literally)

Re: why me?
Posted by Kate on Tue Jan 30 22:51:08 2001 (#3330)

We've all been there. When I am not cutting I am drinking or fooling around with guys. No offense but your friends aren't much of friends or very mature. They should be there for you no matter what. You are right you aren't hurting anyone else but you are hurting yourself ten times more. WE are all here for you. You can email me anytime.

Re: why me?
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 31 05:59:20 2001 (#3337)

I just read Kate's response, and I'm going to have to agree with her on this, you friends don't seem like very good friends to me. Friends care and try to understand. See the people here on this board? They're friends, they care. So do I. e-mail me when you're feeling down, or just for whatever reason!

prayers, Colin

Re: why me?
Posted by lys on Thu Feb 1 05:56:49 2001 (#3371)

just out of curiousity, where do you live where they can check you arms at school for cutting?? My grade counsellor at school, and the school nurse can check my arms, but my teachers are not allowed.... that is weird... sorry, just curious... lys

hello
Posted by Pippa on Mon Feb 5 19:21:17 2001 (#3413)

I live in london. im not actually sure if the teachers were allowed to check my arms, but they did, and theres nothing I can do about it. if you did a survey at my school (all girls) you'd probably find that about half the people in my school have cut themselves at one point in the past 5 years, most of them will have had suicidal thoughts and most of them will have never been found out. that's why i was wondering why the teachers found out about me the one time i wore short sleeves, and this girl in my form always wears a short sleeved shirt, and so far, no one has said anything to her. my friends have gradually got used to the idea thtat they can't touch my arms, and anyway, my best frined went thro exactly the same thing, and shes willing to stand by me thro it all.

la-di-da
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jan 31 07:16:02 2001 (#3343)

and what the fuck am i supposed to do now? do i keep on with the same way of life that has been keeping me down and holding me back, or do i move on to whatever unknown future lies ahead of me? i almost got the cops called on me today. that would have really sucked. i signed up for a psych study at school and they were asking me all sorts of questions and they said they couldn't use me for the study 'cause i'm too fucked up. they put it a little nicer than that, but that about covers their reasoning. the more time i spend at college learning all this shit i won't ever need, the more i realize that i know absolutely nothing. everything i know or have ever known is untrue, and that bothers me. i thought i had everything figured out. the details were a little hazy, but they're supposed to be. now everything is lost in a mess of french 1002 and intro to visual culture 1201. this is a mess. i'm a mess. i've got to get out of this place. actually, i don't think it's the place i need to get out of, it's the state of mind i'm in that i need to escape from. everything that was once crystal clear is now all twisted and contorted in from of my face and i can't make sense out of even the simplest of situations. i'm lost. i'm stuck. i'm done.

stay safe

Re: la-di-da
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 31 09:46:37 2001 (#3344)

You're not done, you're only begining. Of course all thatt crap is pointless! So is 90% of the garbage that's forced down our throats! The thing is, by doing all that crap, you can have the freedom to do what you love! That is pretty starnge about the study not accepting you. What kind of moron runs a study in such a stupid manner? As for the truth, well, that's another story. i may be young (only 19) but I've got a pretty safe bet on the truth. If you really want to know about truth, I'd be happy to tell you. E-mail me. No matter what though, you've always got a sypathetic ear in me. I pray that you don't decide to be done. Please don't be done.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: la-di-da
Posted by fran on Wed Jan 31 20:41:03 2001 (#3350)

You only do the things that make you happy...you must listen to your heart.....live for your heart liive for yourself...it's so important to do what makes you happy. 'life is not a dress rehersal' live each day like your life. To use one of DB's expresssions untie your wings (becausethey are caged up at the moment) Don't have any regrets. Please make yourself happy. Love and thoughts Fran

Re: la-di-da
Posted by Fran on Wed Jan 31 20:59:59 2001 (#3353)

what I meant to say on the first line is ' You SHOULD only do the things that make you happy. SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD!!!! is the word I missed in that sentence

BERTRALINE
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jan 31 13:42:39 2001 (#3346)

I had an emergency appointment at the doctors today and she put me on Bertraline. She said that they won't make me feel druged up and that they aren't addictive. However they will take up to 3 weeks to start to work. I took it about an hour ago and now I feel very drowsy. I don't know whether that is just my mind playing tricks on me. If any one else is on them or has been on them, can you tell me if they work and if what I am feeling is normal?

Nicke. XXXX

Re: BERTRALINE
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jan 31 17:57:08 2001 (#3347)

what kind of drug is it? Anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, anty-anxiety...? Most psychiatric drugs take a couple of weeks to work, if they work at all. I'm not a big advocate of medication, but it is worth a try.

good luck and stay safe

Re: BERTRALINE
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jan 31 18:25:46 2001 (#3348)

I meant to write SERTRALINE, they are anti-depressants. I am only trying them as nothing else seems to work.

Re: BERTRALINE
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jan 31 20:51:27 2001 (#3351)

I just looked up sertraline in my psychology book and discovered that it is the generic name for Zoloft, the same thing lys is taking. In my opinion, this stuff sucks. But, keep in mind that everyone is different. It says that some side effects are nausea and insomnia. I took this shit for about 3 or 4 weeks and it made me go bonkers. I was bouncing off the walls, people had to hold me down. When I got off of it, I got really sick. But, I have heard that it works for some people. Don't give up, but if it turns out not to work for you, then switch meds.

stay safe

Re: BERTRALINE
Posted by lys on Thu Feb 1 05:02:41 2001 (#3362)

yeah, I take it.... right now it is pretty bad with the side effects, a lot of abdominal cramps.... they are getting worse now with my last dose increase, but aren't as bad as when I first started taking them. They cause excessive yawning as the mosst common side effect, kinda wierd to thik about though. anyways, if any side effects don't go away within a few days, talk to your doctor. If they are bad, don't wait on it.... take care, alyssa

How i'm feelin
Posted by Jess on Wed Jan 31 20:28:40 2001 (#3349)

I can't stand the way i look.I hate myself.I'm addicted to cuttin.I cant help it.Am i the only one who gets uncontrollable urges to cut?I had a bad childhood.Things were done wrong to me and it's made me grow up way to fast.I'm only 14 and my family say i have the brain of a 30yr old.I dont really care what my family say,they make me feel bad.None of them understand me,they try sometimes.Its no use though,they still think what they like. Some people have called me 'freak'for what i do.I say i'm depressed but they don't believe me and spread roumors about me. I'm startin to go down hill again and its not where i want to go.Can someone help?

Re: How i'm feelin
Posted by Fran on Wed Jan 31 20:57:59 2001 (#3352)

I had this guy who told people about my cutting....he seemed to take great delight in telling people how fucked up I was and huge amounts of coke I did (huge exaggeration). I learnt to realise what a selfish and arrogant person he was. As is you didn't bring yourself down enough there are all these other people helping you. Still they have no idea at all and oneday they will feel ashamed ....I hate people who are like this. They are scared of what they don't know, and they are also very selfish fucked up people. You poor girl going through so much on your own....do you want to talk about your past? email me about it anytime ...you've never had a chance to make sense of all thats been happening to you. Honey I'm here if you ever need me. OKAY!!!!! say that to yourself lots of times 'when I feel bad I will write to Fran'. Take care I am sending you a parcel of angeldust to give you happy dreams. Love Fran

Re: How i'm feelin
Posted by Jess on Wed Jan 31 21:43:11 2001 (#3356)

Thanks Fran.You've already put a smile on my face.I will e-mail you & i'm waitin for that angel dust to pick me out of my grave. Love Jess

Re: How i'm feelin
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 1 04:55:08 2001 (#3361)

I'll help as much as I can, Jess. I always get the this unexplainable urge to cut. It happens every day now. You aren't alone in this world, you've got us all. I've been called some things myself. From freak, to idiot, to retard, to a whole lot of other stuff. Not many people try to understand, and those that try can't fully unless they've done it themselves. That's why you can always find a sympathetic ear here, because we understand. Like you I never got to have a child hood, as all I realy remember about it is hurt and pain. I'm glad that you decided to come here. It's the safest place around. Please keep coming back, and post us with what's going on in your life.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: How i'm feelin
Posted by Jess on Thu Feb 1 21:28:01 2001 (#3382)

Thanks colin.I think i will stick around,you sound really everything.I'll stay as updated as i can.

Jess

High
Posted by Fran on Wed Jan 31 21:08:34 2001 (#3355)

High on a bridge/ High High I fly/ I'm flying from the bridge/ across the ocean/ I'm drowning in the ocean/ my blood is purity/ it flows like the ocean

my morbid and depressing poem
Posted by sharon on Thu Feb 1 02:20:45 2001 (#3357)

ok, i'm not much of a poet but this kinda describes how i felt the other day, maybe some of y'all can relate.

I'm so tired of shedding tears for those who don't even know that thet're the reason I cry. I'm sick of replaying the past in my head, I'm tired of wondering why why why of all those that could've and should've been ridiculed, I am the one they chose. I can't stand it anymore, their smug, self-satisfied lives that have never known pain. Never cried a tear in their life that was worth the salt it contained. And I'm sick of pretending, sick of needing, sick of wanting something I'll never have. They take it all so for granted, can't even appreciate wjat they were handed from the day they were born. It was given them freely, but God forbid they should ever be required to pass it on. Would it really pain them so much? Would it take a second off their lives? I'm sick of crying, sick of dying over this. I know that they're not worth the salt in my tears, so . . . why do I still cry?

hugs to everyone,

sharon

Re: my morbid and depressing poem
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 1 05:05:34 2001 (#3363)

Excuse me, but may I have my soul back? (that means I can relate). Thanks for posting that. It means alot to me.

love and prayers, Colin

....... Useless poetry...
Posted by Lither on Thu Feb 1 02:21:08 2001 (#3358)

Inoculation against such inherent illness and emancipation of life from the glass heart that holds it encased in such sweet embrace as when wings fold slowly around lightly protecting what is hallowed and held so high in the fading dark shedding single tears with flesh ablaze and fire ravages as perversity chimes true and midnight hours dim in dull minds and become distraught and gone lost under what is so precious to the game and capture chaos in itself to endow the complacent insanity that so ironically blends sadistically with veracity and prevarication where there truly is no need for anything more than passion and true desire resulting in such phenomenon as ...love...

Re: ....... Useless poetry...
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 1 05:10:16 2001 (#3364)

HA HA HA!! Oh lither, you must have known that I'd laugh at that one! That was incedible! So much skill and so little respect. I don't know how you do it!

prayers, Colin

My scars talk to me.... this is what they say
Posted by Lither on Thu Feb 1 02:29:15 2001 (#3359)

You... are useless... the incarnation of all fucked up in this world beyond even the astute definitions of insanity why? why have you imprisoned us here on something so imperfect and not worth our graceful... sinister... no... why is it our fault you manipulate the blade... you tell us... we would cast you into the flames of Dante's hall given half the chance... at night we scream at you... you ignore us... We spit up blood and you pay us no mind... We do appreciate the salt you feed us and the nail polish remover you give us as drink...

We are your destiny...

And then they laugh

Re: My scars talk to me.... this is what they say
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 1 05:22:26 2001 (#3365)

Mine cry out to me as I type this. But they tell of a different tale... they speak of the answers, the truth, the way. They say that they will make me perfect, I need only to call upon them and they will come to take the place of my imperfect flesh. They say that they will release my pain, that they will expell it through thier open jaws, away from my body. Thier words are like music to my ear. Oh how I wish that I would no longer dance to thier tune. One day my friend, one day...

prayers, Colin

Re: My scars talk to me.... this is what they say
Posted by lost and lonly on Thu Feb 1 19:41:34 2001 (#3375)

as mine speak to me calling me, they want more friends to be with them. they want to incease their population, as i try to ignore them their shouts get louder and louder, i feel as though i shoud do as they say and help them to be happy, but them i think about it and i realise that i want to be happy and that is not the way foward but only a route away from the hope that i have found. find the hope and you can do anything.

hoping for you Amanda

Re: My scars talk to me.... this is what they say
Posted by Cheze2 on Thu Feb 1 20:30:58 2001 (#3380)

mine do not speak, they are silent witnesses to the horror of everyday life. they look at me with pleading eyes, just one more they say, one more and we'll be happy, then u can be happy,...lost and lonly...who is amanda?

-ME-

i think this may be it, guys.....
Posted by laura rose on Thu Feb 1 03:43:24 2001 (#3360)

Hey... I know I haven't been here in a while... but I'm breaking, guys, and I don't know what the hell to do.... See... today I've had at least 15-20 rape flashbacks (so far) and I don't know how many more are to come... I've been crying most of the day.. and I just don't know what the fuck to do... God... I want to die sooo badly.. I want to be strong.. but fuck... I've had to be strong my whole damn pathetic life... and I really can't do it for another second... I love you all.. but shit, man.. everyone has their breaking point.. and I think mine is overdue.... take care, okay? I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger.

~laura

Re: i think this may be it, guys.....
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 1 05:32:06 2001 (#3366)

I can't sympathise on the rape, so I won't even pretend to know what must be doing to you on the inside. All I do know is that no one here is dissapointed in you. We never will be. Don't be sorry, and I pray that you don't end it. I'll take your advice and take care, I pray you take your own advice and take care too.

love and prayers, Colin

don't let them win
Posted by lys on Thu Feb 1 05:39:16 2001 (#3367)

rape flashblacks are shit. I've had my share of them. But I know one thing: dying doesn't stop the pain. Something someone told me in the hospital (a nurse):"Don't let them win. You are stronger than that". Please remember that. Whatever choice you make, remember that ppl DO care about you. please email me if you want to talk (veg_head@thespark.com). take care of yourself! alyssa

Re: i think this may be it, guys.....
Posted by @}---,--,--- -- on Thu Feb 1 05:53:35 2001 (#3369)

Laura, please remember that you have people here you did not have then. Try to feel their presence with you . . . Everything I'm saying might be nonsense, since I've never had flashbacks to something so traumatic. I don't know.

Hang on to my arm. Dig your nails into it if you have to. I've never tried, I don't know how strong I am, but I've always been stronger for others than for myself.

Please be OK, wherever you are.

And like lys said, don't let him win.

Don't die for him.

Re: i think this may be it, guys.....
Posted by FRAN on Thu Feb 1 20:20:20 2001 (#3379)

WELL IWANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IAM GOING TO BE STRONG FOR YOU AND I AM GOING TO LIVE FOR YOU. YOU MUST LEAN ON ME LAURA. IWANT YOU HERE. I HAVE DECIDED TO FIGHT AGAINST KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING to the other side. IT MADE ME REALISE.....HOW MUCH IT HURTS. YOU THINK YOU WON'T MATTER , YOU THINK YOU SHOULD JUST FADE AWAY. YOU SCARED ME LAURA AND NOW I'M GOING TO STAY FOR MY FRIENDS. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU BABE . i LOVE YOU ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS....DON'[T EVER FORGET. DON'T LOSE SIGHT OF CANADA

Re: i think this may be it, guys.....
Posted by blue rose on Thu Feb 1 20:41:41 2001 (#3381)

I don't know if this will work, but it's the best I could do.

_____ _____

/ \ / \

/ \/ \

\ /

\ @---,-'--- /

\ /

Re: i think this may be it, guys.....
Posted by tara on Tue Feb 6 01:51:50 2001 (#3425)

does any one know how laura is?????please write to me and let me know.i am very worried about her!!!!!

Laura update
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 7 16:50:45 2001 (#3465)

She survived...we managed to talk her out of it. Thank god...she made it this time. I think she's undergoing a new type of therapy soon...I still have yet to find out about it and she's really hoping it will work. I hope so to that girl has been through hell and back she deserves something good in her life.

Re: Laura update
Posted by Masque d'etoiles on Sun Feb 11 06:25:49 2001 (#3563)

I'm very glad she made it.

I'll be hoping very hard for her.

@}---,--,---

a poem...
Posted by lys on Thu Feb 1 05:50:17 2001 (#3368)

catatonic

rocking back and forth in her chair eyes that read nothing but sorrow, guilt, and pain too late to changs, for now its inevitable Too late to decide whats wrong and whats right tears may fall, but the ones held back burn more keeping it all inside and ready to explode and die sweet little child, never had a chance to explain now her mind has locked itself away, a hidden chamber lost in a maze of blackness and void reality tantilizing pictures of Death in his black robes dancing upon her soft white eyelids that have closed for the world is not there to her, but it never left either the painful part is dead at last, behind those soft white eyes

Re: a poem...
Posted by heavenleigh on Fri Feb 2 13:25:43 2001 (#3388)

That is so beautiful i could cry

Thanks to you all!
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 1 05:55:14 2001 (#3370)

So here I am, the most important time in my life that I have to be strong (my army admission) and things keep getting worse. I don't know what's happening! Why now after two years does this come back to haunt me during the most important time of my life so far?!? I hate this. I'm so angry with myself for doing this, and though I want to (no, NEED to) stop, I can't seem to. I'm feeling so depressed right now that it's scary, but somehow I know that I'll be alright. I haven't been like this for such a long, long time. I hope that I can get through this. Thanks for all you've done for me everyone, you've helped me so much durring this frightening part of my life. I'l never forget every one here and will always be thankful to you for helping me. I think that I'll be OK, but I might not post as much as I have in the past, we'll just have to see. I still might show up from time to time. No matter what, I love you all and am eternaly grateful for what you've done for me. The only other thing I'll say is that Jesus helped me and He can help everyone else too, all you have to do is ask Him. Thanks again.

love and prayers (bet you didn't see that one coming, eh?), Colin

Re: Thanks to you all!
Posted by Ang on Thu Feb 1 06:16:10 2001 (#3372)

hay babe whats up we appriciate u too hay by the way how old are you? ny ways just wanted to say whats up hugsa and kisses ang

Re: Thanks to you all!
Posted by Fran on Sun Feb 4 13:28:42 2001 (#3406)

Remember what you wrote to me when I was losing it once again.......it's hard but you need to be around people. You know strider I thank YOU for all your support. You really held the group up. I know you have to do what you have to do to survive but you should think about staying hee and letting the others hold you up. Tkae good care of yourself..keep remembering what you said to me that it is better to live even though it doesn't always feel like it. Good luck always...don't let go of your dreams. Love Fran

well...
Posted by Ang on Thu Feb 1 06:23:20 2001 (#3373)

well i went out withmy bf last night can we say weird it was so quiet rember last week when my shrinbk said i was numb and turned off or what ever he said its tr8ue and i havn't felt safe in weeks but wehn he higsed me from behinmd and rested his head between my chin and sholder i felt like i was ha\ome i felt so safe in his arms its scary i want a baby...OH YEA my parents gave me "THE TALK" today LMAO oh no it was hilarios hugs and kisses Ang

last night.... (may trigger)
Posted by lys on Thu Feb 1 18:24:45 2001 (#3374)

last night I cut up really badly..... they weren't deep enough for stitches, but they wouldn't stop bleeding. I poured nail polish remover over them and I was really calm after. I don't even know why I did it.... My legs and my arms are all cut up again, with over 40 new ones.... I never thought it would get this bad, you know?? You always think that shit is for other ppl.... and then you become those ppl.... Anyways, I couldn't even write after last night, although I did try before I cut, and I tried squeezing ice cubes in my hands (hurts sometimes and it often works). I just sort of gave up. I guess the scariest part was that during the whole thing, I kept wanting to cut my wrist. I wanted to kill myself, and I kept thinking how easy it would be. Just one cut on each wrist. No more of the minor scratches on my arms, no more pants and long sleeved shirts, no more me. And that sounded like fun to me. Even now, I still want to do it... I am going to call my therapist though, see if he can see me today.... lys

Re: last night.... (may trigger)
Posted by Jess on Thu Feb 1 21:59:47 2001 (#3383)

I know what ure feeling.Pull yourself through it darl.It's not all bad.E-mail me if you ever feel to.Make sure you keep ure cuts clean,i dont want to hear your ill cos of it.That sounded pushy soz,didnt mean it to. Be happy.Get something that makes u laugh and cry.Get them emotions out of ya cos they r hurtin ya man in ways we cant explain.

Grin

Jess

Re: last night.... (may trigger)
Posted by Alana on Fri Feb 2 03:03:52 2001 (#3385)

I know what you mean, no more me! I too get like that when I cut, I think its fun and enjoy it more than anything. I hope that you are ok! I don't want you to feel so bad, I wish that I could take it all away from you. The nail polish remover? Does it work? Does it hurt? I never thought of that. Hmmmm.... anyways, I'm glad that you posted, always come here to spill your thoughts and your feelings. I'm here for you, and so is everyone else! I didn't cut last night, and I haven't tonight, and thats a big thing for me right now. Everything in my life has been falling apart lately, and I'm so happy that I have people that love me and care for me, and I'm happy that I have this safe place! Keep coming back! Luv ya lots! Alana

Re: last night.... (may trigger)
Posted by lys on Fri Feb 2 03:33:36 2001 (#3386)

I hate cutting, because I feel so bad about it, but it makes me feel better too... Yeah, nailpolish remover hurts... can I suggest sticking to rubbing alcohol though??? nail polish (especially the acetone type) causes major scarring. And alcohol hurts almost equal to it anyways. My life has fallen apart around the seams lately... my parents are splitting, and my family is massively fucked up.... Good job on not cutting!!! I wish I could be as proud, but I have already cut today and probably will yet again tonight. Keep it up!!! lots of love, alyssa

the pain is overwhelming
Posted by lost and lonly on Thu Feb 1 19:46:41 2001 (#3376)

i want to cut so bad that it hurts, the only reason i dont is cos i have this really close friend called sam and she is willing me to succeed in my fight against SI and i cant let her down. she has been through so much that i just cant hurt her any more....but i need to see my blood....feel the coolness of a blade against my skin

Re: the pain is overwhelming
Posted by Jess on Thu Feb 1 22:05:45 2001 (#3384)

Put pen on your skin.Put it in the freezer,then put it on your skin (coolness) Phone your friend ,tell her how your feelin,she'll pull you through. To get your mind off SI : put your fave record on + sing and dance to it until you fall in a heap on the floor laughing at your self.Good fun to have on your own. LOL

Jess

Re: the pain is overwhelming
Posted by lost and lonly on Sun Feb 4 23:08:54 2001 (#3409)

thank you that is a big help

EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD PLEASE READ THIS
Posted by FRAN on Thu Feb 1 20:05:11 2001 (#3378)

DEAR EVERYONE PLEASE EMAIL LAUARA ROSE AND TELL HER WE DON'T WANT HER TOO DIE AND THAT WE WILLL HELP HER THROUGH. SHE MEANS ALOT TO ME....PLEASE TELL HER THAT. I THINK SHE IS VERY SEROIUS ABOUT KILLING HERSELF. I'M SCARED I NEED YOU ALL TO HELP ME BY WRITING TO HER EVERYONE OF YOU...EVEN JUST A SMALL NOTE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO SEATTLE IN THE SUMMER HOPEFULLY WITH DB. WE COULD OF HAD A LITTLE CANADA. HELP ME...THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME....I CAN'T BARE THE THOUGHT OF IT BEING THE LAST. SHE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY AND TOTO LIVE ALONG TIME HER EMAIL IS SARAHFREAK@JUNO.COM. DOES ANYONE HAVE HERSH'S EMAIL.

Re: EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD PLEASE READ THIS
Posted by Kate on Fri Feb 2 07:18:24 2001 (#3387)

Read your email and then email me.

Kate

poem 4 all of you
Posted by heavenleigh on Fri Feb 2 13:37:27 2001 (#3389)

This is something that was inspired by this board and is basically about this community. It has a couple of references to things people have said - sorry if i cause any offense by that.

Miseribillia

I archive the prayers, the vials of blood, clothes rent in mourning, pills and vinegar.

I file sorrows, keep them safely until I restore them whole to their owners.

Lost smiles, unchased laughters are not recorded. They already have a place in paradise.

Catch the loneliest stars and give them places in the temporary heaven of pity's library.

I care for my poets, watching weakness grow strong enough to return home.

love Sarah

Re: poem 4 all of you
Posted by Fran on Sun Feb 4 13:21:29 2001 (#3404)

I think it's brilliant babe....thanx for my email only I haven't yet worked out how to get into the attachment bit because I don't know anything about computers. Love ya FranXXX

To catch a dream... no!?
Posted by Lither on Fri Feb 2 22:48:00 2001 (#3390)

The Catcher of Dreams

Graceful depicting such smooth movements As gliding slowly across clear water still as echoes Bringing new light to sullen life Upon rusted wrought iron perches the silent figure

Watching

As though the world were surreal A night to shatter with mornings soft touch The silent figure lifts his head slightly The time has almost come

Carefully

The silent figure lowers his head again Resuming the disguise His hand moves to his coat pocket Yet he produces nothing save wonders

But

Wonders worth nothing to anyone but him He sets his trinkets down precious evidence of time Upon the throne beside him as symbols of ages The ages that he has seen

Never

Have borne semblance to reality All at once he leaps into the air His hands come together and he shouts Triumphantly he submits to the cause of gravity and falls to the ground

Catching

His coat upon the fallen leaves Standing slowly tears grace his cheeks and slide off into the clouds Again it has escaped him elusive as a rainbow He places his trinkets into their sacred resting place remembering the

Dreams.

Re: To catch a dream... no!?
Posted by Jess on Fri Feb 2 22:52:04 2001 (#3391)

Well done! I'm moved.

Jess x

my parents are gonna find out....
Posted by lys on Sat Feb 3 06:26:29 2001 (#3392)

my therapist is practically forcing me to tell my parents i cut, because he says I am no longer safe to myself. I don't know what to do. They will react the same way no matter when they are told or by whom, except that I won't see their initial anger if I am not around at the time. But, I have so many cuts right now, everywhere (arms, legs, stomach), that if they will probably see them in the next couple days. Plus my sister walked in on my when I had bloody gauze everywhere.... I don't know what to do... They will probably drag me to the hospital, and I don't want to go there, but I think that in a lot of ways I need to. I am scared though. What am I supposed to do??? I want to have my counssellor tell them, but he won't do it directly like that unless my life is in danger.... my doc will though.... I can't see him until the middle of nexxt week though.... fuck, I am so screwed right now, for everything... I want to die... so much.....

Re: my parents are gonna find out....
Posted by Nicke on Sat Feb 3 15:30:38 2001 (#3393)

Well we don't want you to die. We are here for you. Maybe if your parents know what is going on then they can understand and even help you. Since I told someone it has helped me as people now know what is going on and they are there for me when I need them. I haven't cut for three days. So it might not be such a bad thing telling your parents.

Thoughts always. Nicke. XXXX

Re: my parents are gonna find out....
Posted by lys on Sat Feb 3 19:49:21 2001 (#3394)

my parents got mad at me when I was in the hospital, and they got mad when they suspected I cut, but I don't wanna find out what they do when they know for sure.... it could definately suck.... thanks though, alyssa

Re: my parents are gonna find out....
Posted by Maggie on Sun Feb 4 03:15:24 2001 (#3398)

Um... my shrink and my psych both agreed that it would be a bad idea to tell my parents. Considering that it the stress that they put me under that usually makes me cut, it would only be bad to tell them that their perfect little girl mutilates her body.

I don't know what your parents are like, but if you are so scared about telling them, that you even feel suicidal, maybe it isn't in your best interests to do so.

Regards, Maggie

Re: my parents are gonna find out....
Posted by lys on Sun Feb 4 07:44:10 2001 (#3403)

I know... it is probably best if they never find out, because they too cause a lot of my stress, but they will... Today my dad pulled my sweater sleeve up, and completely exposed my arm.... big oops.... he didn't seee them though, luckily. But, the way things are going it will happen soon, either by accident or well intentioned doc/therapist/shrink. I haven't gone a day in weeks without cutting at least once, so over a hundred cuts on my body are becoming hard to hide, you know?? And I think I need to get stitches.... I still haven't stopped bleeding from about an hour and a half ago... so, if I do they will find out then... take care, alyssa

Re: my parents are gonna find out....
Posted by Sherri on Sat Feb 10 23:50:01 2001 (#3554)

I am lys's mom and we did find out. I'm glad, how can we help if we don't know what's going on? We're not angry, we're bewildered. It's hard to understand, I think part of it is about having control over your life, but there are so many other ways of doing that. Maybe all parents can't help, but at least give us a chance. Try not to isolate yourself from those around you that can help. Sherri

Sherri
Posted by Fran on Sun Feb 11 13:47:42 2001 (#3572)

Sherri, you really have been great with this. I know it maybe hard to understand why someone needs to do this to themselves...so if you'd ever like to ask ANYTHING...anything at all email me. You are very right about control...it is something that belongs to you, something which you don't want anyone else to take away from you. It's a way to survive. I am far from getting over this but I think helping the person who cuts to feel good about themselves really does help. Everyone who SI's has different reasons , rape , abuse physical sexual, deppression, low self esteem....so many different reasons , so I won't be able to completely understand Lys but maybe I can help with the understanding of SI , from someone else whose going through. Please remember to listen to Lys....don't do anything without her agreement. Yours Fran P.S this board has really helped me so much, helped me to explore myself, my anger, my unhappiness. I have found great support here

Re: my parents are gonna find out....
Posted by Fran on Sun Feb 4 13:40:58 2001 (#3407)

When my parents found out I felt like I'd lost apart of me...a part they'd taken away from me. Now it belonged to them. Nothing has ever been mine and here they were taking away what I did to myself, taking away what was mine. They get angry too and tell me I'm ill. Suddenly my craziness has become their problem..now it's all about them and nothing to do with me. I wanted it to be like before when I made myself bleed and I punished myself. Now it's some sort of crusade.....they didn't care all those years of a miserable childhood. I understand you not wanting your parents to know ...it can make it so much worse and it isn't always for the best. Follow your heart not your head..the only person in this world that understands you is YOU.don't ever forget that. All my love Fran

Worried
Posted by Jess on Sat Feb 3 20:18:05 2001 (#3395)

Does ny1 know if Fran and Blue Rose r o.k. We've not heared form them 4 a while and i just wondered if they both were alright

Re: Worried
Posted by blue rose on Sat Feb 3 22:41:22 2001 (#3396)

i'm here, and alive. I just havne't posted in awhile. Sorry to make you worrry, but thanks for caring.

stay safe

Re: Worried
Posted by Jess on Sat Feb 3 23:44:40 2001 (#3397)

no need to be sorry.Just try not to get so down again.

Smile

Jess

Re: Worried
Posted by Fran on Sun Feb 4 13:23:59 2001 (#3405)

You know what Jess thank you for caring enough to write a post....it means alot to me and I'm really sorry for worrying you. I just don't seem to have anything to say...I've lost my words and I my mind is blank. Love always Fran

.....
Posted by Cheze2 on Sun Feb 4 03:55:26 2001 (#3399)

someone please talk to me, i feel so alone lately, i just can't seem to shake off this depression this time..usually i can hide it, stuff it down deeper, but this time i can't. i'm breaking apart. strider and weeping willow know that i haven't been handling things well..and yes i'm still alive strider, but i'm not doing so well...i just got a new razor today, i'm at my mom's and i stole one...just having it in my pocket i really wanna slit my wrists worse....(i did kinda bad on thursday night.) i just wanna end up in a hospitial..i dunno...

-ME-

Re: .....
Posted by Kate on Sun Feb 4 04:48:01 2001 (#3400)

I know how you feel. I've talked to you before and I can relate. I know what it is like to be lonely. I am very lonely right now. You can be surrounded by friends and family and still be alone. I know this sounds korny but if you find one thing you really like to do and enjoy doing you will feel better. I love to sing and I am taking voice lessons to improve. I am taking the time to do something for yourself. I learned that if people are too self centered to not be there for you then you should forget about them and do what makes you happy. I am not talking about anyone on this board but friends and people in everyday life. I've learned if you are too selfless you will end up miserable because people are too into themselves to notice. I hope this helped. And don't worry about cutting once we all make mistakes. Just dont' hurt yourself anymore. You have alot to offer in this world. Email me or write me if you want.

Love, Kate

Friday nights
Posted by Ang on Sun Feb 4 05:12:33 2001 (#3401)

it seems to appear that i an go a week or more with out cutting but...friday nights are so har i donno y but every friday night i wanna cutt so badly i i can satst imagine it i WANT it and i try so hard noit to but its more then often that i cutt on fridays maybe i should try to ocupy my entire friday so i'm never home and never alone i donno what do you all think? hugs and kisses Ang

Re: Friday nights
Posted by Kate on Sun Feb 4 05:29:10 2001 (#3402)

I know how you feel. I am usually out and in social situations but that makes it worse. Since i am so insecure and anxious. That makes me want to cut.

Re: Friday nights
Posted by sharon on Tue Feb 6 00:29:33 2001 (#3424)

i can totally relate to where your coming from. fridays are the worst for me cuz i usually just veg out in front of the tv and that's really depressing. i try to read or to go places where i'm comfortable. hang in there, we're here for you! hugs, sharon

losing my mind
Posted by tara on Sun Feb 4 21:57:50 2001 (#3408)

why do i have to be here in this freaking world????i hate my life and have nothing to live for ,but i don't have the guts to end it all.i try to make myself feel better by cutting myself.it helps sometimes,but not always.i just wish that i would hurry up and die so that i don't cause my friends and family anymore pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Re: losing my mind
Posted by Fran on Mon Feb 5 20:59:43 2001 (#3417)

losing your mind, wanting to die, hating myself and wanting to die, going crazy...my own head that I can't escape...yep I know how that feels. When I read this I don't know what to say. I'd like to be there to tell you it will all be okay but who would I be kidding, there are times when I want to die as much as you. I can't save you from yourself. But I am always here if it ever gets bad. I'll send you my phone number...so you can phone me anytime. Email me anytime. I can't save you but I promise I can always be there for you if you let me know. Love Always Fran

feeling alone
Posted by Juliet on Sun Feb 4 23:27:21 2001 (#3410)

I am 14 and have been hurting my self for as long as i can remember. It has got a lot worse over the past 6 months. I have to cut myself at least once a day to stay 'safe'. I am recieving help and I do have a loving family but yet i feel so alone and worthless.

Re: feeling alone
Posted by Fran on Mon Feb 5 20:46:38 2001 (#3414)

Oh babe Oh babe Oh poor babe. Thats all I can really think of saying I just don't have answers either and I wish I did I really do. Let the people on the board help you as much as they can. email me anytime...feeling alone is the worst

Re: feeling alone
Posted by Jess on Mon Feb 5 21:51:19 2001 (#3419)

I am 14 aswell.I know how you feel.My family is also loving but i haven't got help. I am lonely,i tend to lean on my friend's but they have started to decieve me.This has made me cut more as it makes me feel bad. I've realized the people on this board are the only people i can lean on when i'm down. Your not alone.E-mail me if you get down.Write to us we will all try and help you.

Smile dude

Jess xox

fading away........
Posted by Juliet on Tue Feb 6 22:12:34 2001 (#3441)

Hello again, I would like to say thank you to the kind responses It made me smile and it is nice to know that there are others out there feeling a similar sort of way. I hope that you are all 'ok' this week take care all and I will try and post a longer message later! :)

To everyone
Posted by @}---,--,----- on Mon Feb 5 05:39:16 2001 (#3411)

I don't know if this will work for anyone, but the general concept kept me alive for two years, so here goes.

How to find a reason to live:

I'm assuming most of us are alone now. Go to your window. Look out. It doesn't matter at what. A tree, a car, the building across from you, the person on the sidewalk. The clouds, if there's no sunshine. Look. Watch. Be interested. Be above all aware. Use your senses - is it happens to be warm where you live, open that window. Take the images - the still shots and the moving pictures - and place them in your memory. Let them rest there on a shelf, but do not discard or bury them.

OK, really. Go do it now. Go on. Take as long as you need. One minute, five, ten, a half hour if you've nothing better to do. Just make sure you pick something you like and can bring meaning to.

Back? OK. Now, I'll tell you what. This is your reason to live.

You have to live for the sake of what you just saw.

If you die, what you just saw dies too. No one else holds that memory. No one else holds the way the light shone down, or the shadow's slant, or the clouds' shape and speed, or the tilt of that person's head. Even if you brought someone along with you, to look from your window, they did not see what you saw. They could not possibly have.

There's no way to get it out of your mind now. You could be a Hugo or a Dickins or a Frost or a Dickinson, and still you could not capture that entire scene in words. You could be a Michalangelo or even a van Gogh, and still not pin it down in image.

It will live inside your head forever - even if it fades a little, it's still there. You are completely and utterly responsible for it.

So now you have to live for the sake of that dusty sparrow's wing, or the glint of a streetlamp on a puddle.

There is beauty in all aspects of life. I hope I have given you a glimpse of even just a fragment - the miricle of reflections, the awe of such delicate yet natural things.

If you cannot live for youself, live for that unique memory, the memory you have just now made, which must not die.

Remember that.

----------

I don't know if that helped at all. It's rather silly, but there you are. I never really claimed to be rational

Re: To everyone
Posted by Fran on Mon Feb 5 20:49:32 2001 (#3415)

Wanting to kill yourself is not rational...going crazy is not rational. So I think your post has an amazing value I hope everyone reads it

HOSPITAL!
Posted by Nicke on Mon Feb 5 14:03:47 2001 (#3412)

Sorry i havet posted in a while, i've just come out of hospital after overdosing on paracetamol. i took 32 tablets on Saturday night and only just got out. I wanna die so bad.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: HOSPITAL!
Posted by Fran on Mon Feb 5 20:55:26 2001 (#3416)

Nicke ..WHY the hell didn';t you email me. I'm very worried about you now. I wrote a post to someone who wanted to die it was called SMTHING YOU MUST READ FOR ME posted by Fran. Please read it. Don't take too much paracetamol ...it can fuck up your liver even if it doesn't kill you. You have been through too much to end it now. There have been those times when I wanted to end it SO MUCH...I'm holding on. Hold on Nicke, you have a place in this world...don't go without realising how much you have to come. Please email me I can't find your address. Also I am going to give you my ohone number ...PROMISE ME you will phone me if you ever feel like that again...I've been there...you need to talk I'll be here.Love Franny

Re: HOSPITAL!
Posted by Nicke on Mon Feb 5 21:51:42 2001 (#3420)

Thanx for your concern. I learnt a valuable lesson at the weekend. Taking too much paracetamol doesn't kill you straight away, it is one of the most slow and painful deaths you can die. So I will not be trying that again in a hurry. Thanx again.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: HOSPITAL!
Posted by lys on Tue Feb 6 04:41:47 2001 (#3426)

all overdoses are painful, and rarely kill you. I overdosed on tylenol a month ago, over 60 extra strength (that is over 30 grams of tylenol; 5 grams are enough to kill the liver), and I didn't die. I was hooked up to an IV and heart monitor for 3 days, and I had to have blood tests every few hours (and I am a needle phobic *shudder*), and I was in the hospital for 5 days. Overdoses generally take days to kill, so it is easier to intervene. I hope you feel better nicke, and call someone next time, before it gets to that point. Take care, lys

Teenage Dirtbag
Posted by Fran on Mon Feb 5 21:44:12 2001 (#3418)

Don't you just love that song 'TEENAGE DIRTBAG' I forget who it's by....but's it got Mena Survari in the video. She stars in the film about a girl and a guy who get together through their love of Iron Maiden. I haven't seen it yet but I love that song.....I really do

Re: Teenage Dirtbag
Posted by Nicke on Mon Feb 5 22:03:07 2001 (#3421)

Sorry but I haven't heard the song yet but I'll certainly listen out for it in the future.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: Teenage Dirtbag
Posted by rachel on Mon Feb 5 22:11:22 2001 (#3422)

ooo i love that song, and its by wheatus. the girl in it is very pretty :) rachel x.x.x

Re: Teenage Dirtbag
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 6 17:12:52 2001 (#3434)

I heard that song on the radio today and thought of you Fran. It is a cool song and it really cheered me up.

Nicke. XXXX

Nicke!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Fran on Mon Feb 5 23:47:49 2001 (#3423)

Nicke I tried to send you my number to nicke1uk@yahoo.com but it failed twice...is this the wrong address. Cab you email me from your email. I ahd a message for you. Love Fran

goodbye??
Posted by lys on Tue Feb 6 06:16:34 2001 (#3427)

I was doing so well, and now all I can think about is the cool metal blade on my wrist, the blood, and dying. It races through my mind, and I want it so bad, and I want to die, but I am scared.... I don't care though, because I am getting tired of this shit... What the hell is the point??? I live to feel pain, and die. That is all I have ever done, and it won't change any time soon... I can change it though.... I can just die, and then I won't need to worry about it.... that is all I need right now, sleep. And calm... I am scared. But I keep thinking about the knife on my wrists, cuting me open, and just getting rid of all the bad and all the hurt. I don't know exactly why I am writing this.... I guess because I don't have anyone else to give a note to, so it may as well get put here, for the few ppl who listened (even for only a short period of time). Thank you so much, and take care of yourselves.... alyssa

Re: goodbye??
Posted by Maggie on Tue Feb 6 11:09:52 2001 (#3430)

The question marks you put in the subject line makes it worthwhile posting this message...

I don't know you very well, but I have been visiting this site for a few months now. You are fairly new so you may not know this... there have been MANY suicide attempts on this board since I have been here, and several postings about it. Most thank God wrote back to us again saying they are better, but there have been a few that have never returned... I am fairly confident of at least one person I have corresponded with has actually died... The thing is suicide is a very serious thing... there's nothing that I can say that will make your circumstances easier, but you need to be absolutely clear that you understand the meaning of death before you try. I have attempted suicide a couple of times (kinda half-heartedly) because I was in a confused state. I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions of sadness, hopelessness, despair, and most importantly ignorance. I acted rashly and didn't think what I was doing... I wanted my pain to end and suicide would do it, but I can say now that I didn't want relief so final as death. I glorified the concept of suicide... I almost looked at the successful ones as role models for being so brave... so decisive.

I was ignorent again... they were not brave, but cowards... they couldn't face life so took the defeatist way out. Secondly I realised with my unsuccess that my attempts weren't based on reasoning... they were transient feelings that overwhelmed me severely and blurred my thoughts. I was acting impulsively following emotion, not my head. It is impulsive actions that you usually regret. It was not until I went too far one day while cutting and lost so much blood, and faced the real possibility of death, that I realised "SHIT what have I done"..."What was I thinking???" I knew that by purpousely popping a vein with a razor that I would lose blood... but until floods of black liquid started gushing out of me so fast that I couldn't stop it, realised no one was home to help me, that yes I may bleed to death, that I actually realised that death was not what I wanted. Until I saw it real in my face, suicide was just a fantasy...something I idolised, but seeing it happen freaked me out and grounded me. I am grateful that I didn't have to watch myself die... I know how easy it is to die.

What I am trying to say is that you may not be thinking clearly when you say you want to die. You may not appreciate how it will affect you and we who care about you. Knowing that some of my board friends may well have died scares me... as it will if you were too. My cousin committed suicide 6 years ago when he was 22 and his family have still never got over it. You may be serious about it, but it is also possible you may regret your actions when curling over in pain as your liver packs in following an overdose, or seeing your life drain out of your arms while you lie faint on the floor unable to move or do anything about it. If you don't succeed you may have to have dialysis the rest of your life, or you may lose sensation in your hands if blood is deprived from them long enough after cutting your wrists. If you try again and fail, you may be restrained in a straight jacket for the rest of your life. You have one life, make sure you suck all the good out of it before chucking it in. If there is one small little thing that you may possibly miss, it is worth holding on to dear life for... how much worse could it get than to take your last breath knowing that you didn't want it all along, that it is your fault, that you have made people suffer because of your actions, and that you will never get to experience the things you enjoyed again.

God Bless, Maggie.

Re: goodbye??
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 6 12:56:43 2001 (#3431)

Lys.

As you know I tried to kill myself at the weekend and you were there to offer me words when I posted. If there was anything that has come from this weekend is the need and desire to help and stop people from feeling like I did on Saturday. It was awful. And yes I do regret it not working but I am going to be around a bit more and I hope you will be too. This message board is what has kept me alive really, and I just hope that we can stop others from comitting suicide...I'm just rambling now but what I am trying to say Lys is don't say goodbye, not when you have so much to live for. I know you can't see it now but eventually you will and it will make all the suffering and pain worthwhile. We will all be here for you until that day comes. Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

Re: goodbye??
Posted by Fran on Tue Feb 6 21:03:39 2001 (#3435)

I wanted to write my little bit to you. So far two friends from this board have very nearly ended it....the thought of being without them frightened me so much. I understand what it's like when there is nothing left...when suicide is all you can see when dying is all you think of 'your ever lovely suicide' -C.Love. It's really really hard to survive to make it through each day. Although I wanted to kill myself... I don't want anyone else to do the same but I have decided to hold on for them because I feel like that then so would they. It's hard to get through it....when it is always there fighting that battle...I understand that. In the end only you can can decide how you will get through this and only you can save yourself but look for those last things to grab onto before you decide. Write to me anytime. I mean that anytime. All my Love Fran

How do i do it?
Posted by anji on Tue Feb 6 09:41:45 2001 (#3429)

Hey all! I've never posted here before, but i think i'd like to. I'm nineteen, have hit, scratched myself for as long as i can remember, but have only been cutting for three or four months; but have always thought about doing bad things to myself. i.e. wishing i was in a bad car accident. ect. I also suffer from depression and bulimia, and my family is really worried for me. Thing is that i want help, but i don't think i'm worthy of it. I feel so numb, and i think that's why i cut. Maybe i do it to make my problems real or something?? I don't know. Thing is that i'm cutting more severely than i ever have, and I want to tell someone. Not even my therapist knows about it. How in the hell do I "come out", so to speek?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Re: How do i do it?
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 6 13:07:17 2001 (#3432)

I felt exactly like you do now. Not worthy of help, there are people much worse off than you are so you don't need help. BOLLOCKS!!!! The fact that you have admitted to your "problem" means you are ready to ACCEPT the help that is available. You have needed the help since you started harming but now you are ready to accept it. There is a big difference-believe me I know. My advice is talk to your therapist, it is what he is there for. (or she) They will help you get through it. And if at any time you just feel really shitty and want to vent we will all be here waiting to help.

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

P.S. e-mail me if you need to.

Re: How do i do it?
Posted by Fran on Tue Feb 6 21:08:44 2001 (#3437)

You deserve help more than you can imagine and if you're ready then go for it. It doesn't always work out straight away but you can talk to anyone on the board for support. I have Bulimia and deppression and cutting problems so if you ever want to email me. This board has helped me alot. welcome...sorry I couldn't say more . I'll post soon. Good Luck Love Fran

i feel as though i dont belong here any more
Posted by lost and lonly on Tue Feb 6 21:06:04 2001 (#3436)

im not to sure why i feel like this but i do. i feel like i shouldnt post here any more as you are all still cutting and so far i have succeeded in stopping.i feelas though im not part of the group any more, like an outcast, sent away and not wanted any more. and because i feel like this i feel even worse as i dont want to leave you guys you have helped me so much in the past month, but i dont feel as if i should waste your time any more.

Amanda

Re: i feel as though i dont belong here any more
Posted by Fran on Tue Feb 6 21:13:13 2001 (#3439)

You know I've noticed this board is sort of falling apart but it doesn't mean that we don't all care. Don't leave because you don't cut....I haven't cut in a while either. You have much to give to those who can't give up. I felt like I didn't belong I think everyone does...I think everytone puts themselves down too much. How can you be wasting your time ...you're not okay!!!. This is a good place to come and You are needed here. I wish I could hold thios whole board up but I can't and I want to so much. stay Amanda.....don't do it alone. LOve Fran email at top

Re: i feel as though i dont belong here any more
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 13:09:21 2001 (#3453)

You belong here as much as the next person. You have succeeded in stopping and can help those who want to stop. We can be there to make sure you don't cut again, listen when you want to vent and just generally be here for you. Please don't feel like you don't belong. You are a very valuable member of the group, the same as the rest and I for 1 will miss you even if I don't know you that well.

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

I am going to die
Posted by Alana on Tue Feb 6 21:10:41 2001 (#3438)

I need to hurt myself real bad. I can't take this life anymore. Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. I don't think anyone ever will. I'm too messed up to be loved by someone. I thought I was loved, but I was wrong. I was stupid enough to believe. Now all I want to do is die! i just want to end it all right now. I feel so alone in this world, why am I so alone. i don't understand what I've done! I don't know why I deserve to be alone. I'm so stupid! I'm sorry for this post

Re: I am going to die
Posted by Fran on Tue Feb 6 21:32:57 2001 (#3440)

Alana I wrote you an email and oyur address doesn't work send it to me ASAP I HAVE to speak to you....I have to send you what I've written mine is FRannyh40@hotmail.com

Re: I am going to die
Posted by lost and lonly on Tue Feb 6 22:21:52 2001 (#3442)

i care. dont die on me as i need you, i need all the friends i have.every one needs support and every one can give support. they may not always know what to say but even if they only say that they care it helps. so dont leave us as we all care for you, good luck with the on goin fight, one day you will over come it, look forward to that day and dont look behind you.

Amanda

Re: I am going to die
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 13:17:13 2001 (#3454)

Alana, You are not alone, we are here for you. You now that yourself deep done or you wouldn't have posted. I know exactly how you are feeling right now as I tried to end it last weekend but as long as I am going to be here I am going to try to offer words of advice support or just be there to listen when you need to talk.

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

Re: I am going to die
Posted by Alana on Wed Feb 7 21:46:01 2001 (#3485)

Thanks so much all of you! It means the world to me!

walking out of my life
Posted by Fran on Tue Feb 6 23:21:59 2001 (#3443)

I want to walk out of my life and leave it all behind..all the studying all the people. I feel like each day I stay another part of me dies. I know it's not sensible I know I should be securing my future but I feel like I'm about to sscream. I hate waking up and going to bed. I don't even know where'd I'd run away to....not that it would solve any of my questions but going crazy makes me impulsive. I'm so sick and tired of waiting...waiting until i pass my exams. I do want to go to university.....but I can't stand another minute of this life. I want to write....but I'm so numb and I don't feel anything anymore..medication making me number and number. I have no idea what to do at all? . I hate this nothingness...I hate that all I want to do is scream......Where am I going?

Re: walking out of my life
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 13:22:14 2001 (#3455)

Fran, You have just described exactly like I feel every day, but I know that all the waiting will eventually be worthwhile. You will pass your exams and you will go to university and you will make something of yourself. Then you will know that all the waiting has been worth it. What is that old saying?: Good things come to those who wait!

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

do you ever wonder who you're doing it for
Posted by Glitterchick on Tue Feb 6 23:26:00 2001 (#3444)

'I hear you're losing weight again mary jane do you ever wonder who your losing it for?'

' dying for the power to be thin FOR THERE IS NO POWER LIKE MY PRETTY POWER NOT SORRY NOT EVER FOREVER MY POWER'

Re: do you ever wonder who you're doing it for
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Feb 7 00:16:44 2001 (#3445)

i love that song by alanis morissette..really makes you think..

"i hear your counting sheep again, mary jane, what's the point of trying to dream any more?

thankx
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Feb 7 01:01:51 2001 (#3446)

i have been on this board for sometime now..what has it been 2 months? these last few weeks i have barley been posting, and no one, no one has wondered what has happened to me, where i have gone. just wanted to say thanks for caring so much

-ME-

Re: thankx
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 13:33:52 2001 (#3457)

Hey, I only joined a few weeks ago so I haven't noticed alot of your post from the day I joined. So I haven't been around to notice you posting less. I'm sorry you feel that noone cares alot but I'm sure they do, I know I do. I care about eveybody on this board as they have all helped me in their own ways.

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Lost on Wed Feb 7 02:01:00 2001 (#3447)

KNOW WHAT I NOTICED ABOUT THIS BOARD?? NO ONE HELPS ANYONE WITH THEIR GODDAMN PROBLEMS ANYMORE. THE ONLY THING PEOPLE DO IS POST ABOUT THEMSELVES OR POST ABOUT HOW NO ONE MISSED THEM. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT? YOU KNOW, THIS BOARD ACTUALLY USED TO BE LIKE A SAFE HAVEN (OR HOWEVER U SAY IT) TO A LOT OF PEOPLE... BUT DON'T U NOTICE THAT NO ONE IS HERE ANYMORE? THEY ALL LEFT FOR THAT EXACT REASON. EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING SO GODDAMN SELFISH AND TRY TO HELP EACHOTHER FOR CHRIST SAKE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THIS BOARD? I'VE BEEN HERE FOR ALMOST A YEAR AND I'VE NEVER SEEN IT LIKE THIS. THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE... AND THATS WHY NO ONE COMES ANYMORE.

AND JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS POST WASN'T TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON... BECAUSE I DO STILL SEE SOME OF YOU TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE... BUT THATS ONLY A FRACTION OF THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE HERE)

Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Feb 7 02:57:05 2001 (#3448)

i feel the exact way, no matter how much you try to help people, no matter how much you need help, it's just not there anymore, and yes i did post that thing saying that no one cared and it's cause it's true. People used to care on this board, people used to help one another, worry when they were gone, what the fuck happened to that!? i'm sorry, this board just pisses me off now. and the sad part is, i keep comming back, just hoping that something will change, and you know what!? i said this a long time ago if u look back you'll see it. when u were having a hard time everyone used to post and try and help you, let u know that they were there for you. now your lucky if more than 2 people post back to u. this board is just really pissing me off lately...

-ME-

Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 15:38:49 2001 (#3459)

Um I tried to help you twice but you never reply to me. I haven't posted anything abotu myself in a while. So don't ever call me selfish again. Did you even read what I replied to you.

Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Ang on Wed Feb 7 05:42:46 2001 (#3451)

ERRRRRR...okay well u see this bored is also here to make ppl feel like tehre no so alone like there no the only ppl with these feeling and be nicer dude hugs and kisses Ang

Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Feb 7 13:48:26 2001 (#3458)

but i feel that i am all alone, i used to come to this board for the same reasons ang, but now it jsut seems as though it has all faded away. i still feel alone when i come here, the love that this group produced is just not here anymore

Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 15:44:18 2001 (#3461)

You haven't even been here. I have tried to help people but they don't reply.

Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 15:47:56 2001 (#3462)

I haven't seen your name in a while. NOt to be mean. But I have tried to help people they don't want to listen. I barely have written anything about myself. I have been coming here since the summer.

Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN BOARD?
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 16:23:51 2001 (#3464)

The idea behind this board is for people to come and talk about their problems now they are being criticised for it! I don't want to take sides in this arguement but if people want to talk then I am more than happy to listen. It actually makes me feel better when I try to help others.

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

There's no need to argue anymore
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 7 17:07:10 2001 (#3466)

I don't want to get in to an arguement either but having observed this board over recent times I have noticed it's fallen apart...I emailed DB about. The thing is IT ISN@T ANYONES FAULT. Like Nicke said people come here to talk about their problems. recentely there have been alot of up and downs and new people coming and going and it's hard to keep track. The people who are left feel out of depth they want to help everyone but they can't hold the board on their own. I'd like too hold this board but like everyone else they are falling apart too. I take it very hard when I'm critisised it makes me cut more, it reinforces the fact that I am useless and selfish and that I hate myself. EVERYONE on thhis board has tried to help...unforunately at the moment there are alot of us who want to die who want to leave this world...for the very reason that they have pain and they don't believe in themselves. I don't think anyones being selfish and I always beleived we shouldn't judge others....This board as a safe haven where it's okay to talk about your own needs and your own feelings. Because I'm sure alot of people don't get that oppurtunity to do it. What I am saying is that everyone does care but there just aren't enough people to hold to board up, and as much as people try , with all their might they will ineveitably fail. Please don't tell them they are selfish they all care. I think thats why alot of people cut because they feel selfish and worthless, when infact they do so much for others. Love you all. FranXXXXXXX. Please lets not argue it makes me so so upset, it bringsback too many memories. 'there's no need to argue anymore' -the Cranberries

Re: There's no need to argue anymore
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 17:49:35 2001 (#3471)

Theres no agrument becuase those two didn't respond. I am not trying to agru. But it pisses me off. I try so hard to be selfless. and maybe they weren't talking about me that is not the point. You don't call suicidal girls selfish it is just not right.

Re: There's no need to argue anymore
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Feb 7 18:45:55 2001 (#3472)

kate, i wasn't personally talking about u in particuluar, you are one of the few people who has helped me, and everyone else on this board whenever they are in need. i'm not trying to make waves with anyone, i am just stating my opinion. I agree with Fran on this perfectly. this group is falling apart, and i dunno, i get frusterated because i want to hold it together, i just want it to be as helpful to so many people as it was for others. it's just not there anymore...

Re: There's no need to argue anymore
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 19:29:30 2001 (#3473)

Sorry I got so defensive. I hoped I helped you. Talk to you later.

Re: There's no need to argue anymore
Posted by lost and lonly on Wed Feb 7 19:42:18 2001 (#3474)

i think that every now and then every one has a right to be selfish and talk about themselves and how they are feeling, and at this point in time there has been a lot of people who havent said things about themselves in the past and by coincidence they all are now letting it out. i know that personally, in the past i have never told people about my problems i used to just listen and keep my problems to myself, then i came here. and what i found was a great bunch of ppl who were happy to listen to my problems and offered help and support. in return i have tried to give my advise to ppl. i cant comment on wether or not the board is falling apart as i havent been here long myself, but what i do know is that we should stop bitching about each other and stick together. we all have somthing in common and i think every one here wants help and if we all start arguing about who is or isnt being selfish no one is going to get the help they need.

hoping for you, Amanda

Re: There's no need to argue anymore
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 20:33:12 2001 (#3477)

I agree with you. More time should be spent showing just how selfLESS we are than arguing over who is calling who selfISH.

damn its a war!
Posted by LOST on Thu Feb 8 02:24:06 2001 (#3493)

Alrighty people... #1, Kate... it'll be alright, i wasn't even talking to YOU. You're one of the people who ALWAYS responds to everyone. ok number two, i wasnt even trying to start a big ass arguement (too late) but I'm still sticking to my guns and I still agree with what i have said. But its ok because I don't really come to this board anymore. So you guys can be mad at me and yell at me or whatever-- but i'm not gonna bother arguing back. Anyway people, its been a good 1 year coming to this board... but its time for me to FINALLY leave (tho i've been gone for a while now)... everyone be there for eachother and pick eachother up when u see someone fall.... keep your head up.... bye

Re: damn its a war!
Posted by Kate on Thu Feb 8 05:14:12 2001 (#3499)

Sorry, I didn't mean to start anything either. I should have emailed you separately . You have a right to your opinions. I don't think we were even arguing at all.

my thoughts
Posted by Sara on Wed Feb 7 03:22:49 2001 (#3449)

-hello- i have been reading the posts here for a month or so but never posted...i haven't ever really know what to say...and i do self-injury...but i think that it is more that the action itself but the thoughts behind it. my class just read this book called a man's search for meaning by viktor frankl and it talks alot about theories of life and why people do things well i had some thoughts about how it related to cutting, but i did not have anyone to share them with so i decided to post them (who knows maybe it will help someone):

the existential vacumm and defense mechanisms were talked about in the book. the existentail vacumm is where there is like a empty black part inside everyone where all of the pain and hurtness gets "sucked" in and causes inside hurt and pain, but no one can see it because it is hidden beneath something else. and every person goes through pain, happiness, and the fluctuation between the two. and that is where the defense mechanisms come in, well if the emptyness gets bigger than the happiness. and if the defense mechanisms have never been shown away to defend themselves or the learned way does not work...then well...they begin to self destruct...mentally, phyiscall, emotionally....all ways

i don't know if that made any sense (usually when i start thinking it's hard for me to even understand) but when i was reading it that part really hit me.

well i hope that you all have a good or better day (which ever applies)

-sara-

Re: my thoughts
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 13:30:01 2001 (#3456)

Welcome Sara, Thanx for your thoughts, post here any time. Even if it is just to vent. We will all be here to listen.

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

ATTENTION!! E_MAIL ADDY CHANGE
Posted by Ang on Wed Feb 7 05:40:08 2001 (#3450)

my adrewss that i give u guys isa no longer in service so here is my new one i check it like a zilion times a day so pls feel free to e-mail me!!! missy287@hotmail.com...and as for me i cut on saturdayit was weird all uneven and shit it was bothering me that it wasn't perfect like the resti'm trying not to fix it STRIDER weres my e-mail? any ways y'all have a good day hugs and kisses Ang

What the fucking hell...
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 15:43:06 2001 (#3460)

I have responded to certain people's posts and they are saying we are selfish. I see that at least one person has responded to every post. So what the hell. I am pissed. Iam sorry but I need to speak my mind.

Re: What the fucking hell...
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 16:18:50 2001 (#3463)

I agree. It just seems to be that there are alot of people hurting at the moment and everyone is trying to help each other as much as possible.

Re: What the fucking hell...
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 7 17:11:48 2001 (#3468)

Kate I love you and I've noticed you don't talk about your worries....you should I want to help you. I think you've been here the longest and you have seen alot of everyone. I'm here to help you anytime you fall down. Love oyu lots and lots Franny

Re: What the fucking hell...
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 17:40:01 2001 (#3469)

Thankyou so much. I love you too. I want to talk about my worries but some people will call me selfish.

Re: What the fucking hell...
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 20:39:08 2001 (#3478)

Well that is their problem. As long as there are people here to listen and help then you should talk about your problems. I know that I don't know you that well but I will be here for you if you need. I don't know if that means alot to you but like I said I am happy to help.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: What the fucking hell...
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 7 20:44:44 2001 (#3481)

you couldn't be selfish if you tried. Like Nicke said we are all going to stick together. I want you to share everything with me, email me if you won't write it on the board. I couldn't never think of you as selfish. i love you lots and I thankyou for being there for me Kate babe. I think we should go to Canada for a group hug

Re: What the fucking hell...
Posted by Lost on Thu Feb 8 02:28:40 2001 (#3494)

Ok hey kate... why don't u come out and say my name? Stop saying "'some people might call me selfish' cuz uhhhhhh everyone knows it's ME! Thats angering me A LOT but i'm gonna be nice... and i already said that i wasn't talking about you, so if you want to get offended and all pissed off then, do ur thang, have fun.

Fran- i've been here the longest.

worried and tense
Posted by Juliet on Wed Feb 7 17:09:27 2001 (#3467)

I'm not really sure what I am writing in fact I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I was told by a counsellor that i was a failed anorexic (he did not take bingeing and making your self sick very seriously) He said that I would never have enough self control to starve this made me want to do it even more! What is going wrong in my mind? What have i done to make mewant to hurt my self constantly? Why do I hear voices? I am lost and fed up with searching take care all and i look forward to reading your responses xxooxx Juliet

Re: worried and tense
Posted by Kate on Wed Feb 7 17:46:10 2001 (#3470)

YOur doctor is an idiot. It sounds like you are bulimic. I am here for you. You should find another doctor. Write me.

Re: worried and tense
Posted by Fran on Wed Feb 7 20:51:05 2001 (#3482)

Exactly your doctor is cruel, selfish and doesn't realise how much he is harming you...I have had bad experiences with doctors who made me feel like Hell...I even cut because of one of them. At the time I hated myself more because of it now I'm just angry. What a complete prick your doctor is. You sound bulimic to me...living with eating problems is hard...I'm not sure I can ever get over them...I'm not sure I want to. Write to me anytime .Love Fran Frannyh40@hotmail.com

wow uuuummmmmm
Posted by Juliet on Wed Feb 7 20:06:53 2001 (#3475)

I'm new here and was struck by the kindness of everyone here. Sometimes I think it is good to think about other peoples problems rather than your own so you can keep your mind off it. Thank you everyone and I hope that I can be as understanding forgive me if I don't post I do not use my computer that often Take carexxooxx

Re: wow uuuummmmmm
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 20:41:57 2001 (#3479)

Welcome Juliet. I'm Nicke and like you I think it is good to help others where help is needed and wanted. It makes me feel alot better when I can help other people.

Keep posting.

Everyone
Posted by Jess on Wed Feb 7 20:31:14 2001 (#3476)

EVERYONE is brill on this board.You all help each other in some sort of way.It's like one big family of strangers.I love it here and will always come.

All my love to everyone

Jess

Re: Everyone
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 20:43:58 2001 (#3480)

It's nice to hear something positive about the board for a change. I agree that the board has helped me alot since coming here and I will always try my best to help others where I can.

Nicke.

FRAN, CANADA!!!!
Posted by Nicke. on Wed Feb 7 21:15:40 2001 (#3483)

Fran, Seeing as there are so many new people perhaps you should tell them all about canada. It would change the mode of recent posts as well. Also I've never been and think that I might like to go so you should tell us all a little more about it.

Nicke.

For all you NEW PPL- CANADA!!!!
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 19:10:13 2001 (#3513)

Well we have an imaginary house in Canada surrounded by pine forests and meadows. Everyone has a room , it's a place to go when things get really bad and I swear by it. There's a lake near by we just had an amazing party...I am the resident fairy. In the summer we go swimming by the lake. My room has a balcony and beautiful wooden floors. We have a veranda where we have had balls before with beautiful fairy lights it's wonderful. When I first came Linda who isn't here anymore had a huge bed where you could sleep if you had nightmares. Laura and I used to pick flowers in the meadow. In the living room we have a huge open fire and huge morrocan carpets...at the moment Nicke, helen and I are sat listening to carole King's 'it's going to take some time this time'. I know people might think I'm crazy but I always go there when things are bad. You can come anytime you like and add anything you want to Canada.

WHERE IS EVERYONE??????
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 7 21:20:18 2001 (#3484)

Is it just me or has everyone disappeared? Strider, Delirious Butterfly, Butterfly, Blue Rose, Lither, Suzie, Simon, Maggie.... these are just a few of the people I have noticed disappeared since I came here. Where are you we miss you!!!!!!

Re: WHERE IS EVERYONE??????
Posted by Juliet on Wed Feb 7 22:27:05 2001 (#3486)

i'm not sure where eeyone is i am still here though! I feel very low and i have been hurting myself this evening i am typing this as some sort of distration. Sorry if I sound selfish and am thinking about myself but i am stuck in darkness at the moment

Re: WHERE IS EVERYONE??????
Posted by Jess on Wed Feb 7 22:51:07 2001 (#3487)

Tell us about your darkness.Get it out,be selfish,be happy.

Smile

Jess

Re: WHERE IS EVERYONE??????
Posted by Butterfly on Wed Feb 7 23:21:37 2001 (#3490)

I'm still here, i've been reading the posts, but everyone on the board seems so down and i just don't know what to say to help, so i haven't posted for a while.

lots of love to you all. Butterfly

Re: WHERE IS EVERYONE??????
Posted by Maggie on Thu Feb 8 11:55:54 2001 (#3507)

I still read the posts... but I only reply to the ones that I think I can contribute something new to. I don't come here anymore because I feel a stranger now. I went away overseas for 3 weeks and when I came back, many had left, and there are just so many new people that I am stressed out trying to form relationships with you all. No offense.. I think you are all great people. I will write in when I think I can help, but usually I don't know what I am saying anyway.

Later, Maggie

hi
Posted by blue rose on Thu Feb 8 01:40:00 2001 (#3492)

I don't have anything to say anymore.

I'm happy.

stay safe

Re: hi
Posted by Kate on Thu Feb 8 06:27:35 2001 (#3505)

I;m glad. keep in touch,

Love, Kate

DB and Strider
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 12:28:21 2001 (#3508)

DB's doing fine she's just mo0ved on. Strider posted saying he was going to leave I wrote to him to try and get him to come back but I think he's made up his mind

Suzie....and Rose?SImon & Marie
Posted by Fran on Thu Feb 8 12:33:12 2001 (#3509)

What did happen to suzie? also Rose where is Rose ......I miss her I've lost her email we started to become good friends. And where are you Simon, do you have loads of Uni work? maybe thats what it is. Oh also Marie Is doing well....isn't that great a story with a happy ending. I don't know if you'll remember Marie but she helped me through a difficult time when I came here 3months ago. Love oyu loads Marie P.S how are you Micheal? I know you don't post much but you should let us know how oyu are.

Re: Suzie....and Rose?SImon & Marie
Posted by rose on Fri Feb 9 05:11:03 2001 (#3526)

Fran, hey sorry i haven't been to the board lately. I've kinda been isolating myself. I hope you are doing well. I have a new email: kittenrkh@aol.com. Email me whenever. I'll try to start posting more often. i posted the stuff but i didn't put my name so it says none for who wrote it. it is kinda poetry. Rose

Re: Suzie....and Rose?SImon & Marie
Posted by SImon on Wed Feb 14 04:13:48 2001 (#3631)

Hi every1. im still alive and kicking. just a quick message to say that i have stopped cutting (4 now) and am getting ready 4 a gig on friday...what else has happened?...going 2 nottingham rock city on saturdad and just found out that i will be getting 60-80 quid per night for DJing at the uni rock night in june (i would still do it 4 free)

Hang in there u guys and it touthed me that u thought bout me after i left the board.

Re: Suzie....and Rose?SImon & Marie
Posted by Suzie on Sun Feb 18 00:59:29 2001 (#3687)

im here

stuff
Posted by none on Wed Feb 7 22:56:04 2001 (#3488)

Black roses in a open field... where am i... in the barren space between reality and fantasy... these thorn grow up around me... there is no life left to choke... living in my misery i am content... where did i go... when did i lose myself... these haunting images inside my head... i can't remember everything but you were there ... blood nurishes the dead ground... red isn't for passion or love it's for pain... i laugh at myself because i'm the one causing this... i live alone in reality but in my pretend world i never get any rest from these demons... i'll live though because i feed off this pain... never had happiness so why would i want it... i don't even know what it is... trying to find myself only brings up more demons i have to cut out... i can't rest when your lies burn my skin... i'll live today hoping i will see you... please hurt me because then i'm the victim but when it's me i'm the self mutilator with problems...

Re: stuff
Posted by Jess on Wed Feb 7 23:09:14 2001 (#3489)

MIND BLOWING.E-mail me if you ever need to talk.That has got to be the best thing i have read yet.WOW

Jess x

Please help me
Posted by Alana on Thu Feb 8 01:24:17 2001 (#3491)

I really need help, I'm at an all time low. I have never felt so worthless and alone before. I honestly feel that killing myself is the only way to get out of here alive. As funny as that sounds, its how I feel.

Re: Please help me
Posted by Kate on Thu Feb 8 05:25:42 2001 (#3503)

I am so sorry you feel so down. I feel for you I really do. It will pass. You won't feel like this forever. I know you have probably heard this before but its true. You need to find out what is making you so miserable and get out of the situation. If it is just chemical you need to get on some antidepressants and go to a good therapist. Beleive it will pay off and then you will feel worth living. Hang in there please. write me or email me anytime.

Re: Please help me
Posted by Nicke on Fri Feb 9 17:32:05 2001 (#3530)

I know exactly how you are feeling right now as I have been there too, as have alot of others on this board. Kate is right, you won't feel like that forever, we will all help you feel better about yourself again.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

BITCH
Posted by LOST on Thu Feb 8 02:33:35 2001 (#3495)

You guys, i'm already aware that i am a complete and utterly evil bitch....... sooooo if any of you are feeling the need to call me that, don't even worry about it cuz i got ya covered.

Re: BITCH
Posted by Cheze2 on Thu Feb 8 03:17:38 2001 (#3497)

well lost, i don't think ur a bitch, but if ya like the name ;) j/k but yes, i do agree with you about the big "war" now :) have fun

-me-

Re: BITCH
Posted by kate` on Thu Feb 8 05:15:39 2001 (#3500)

YOu are not at all. I feel like one. I try to help people in every day life and they act like bitches. I didn't mean to imply anything at all to you guys.

i'm lost now
Posted by jessica on Thu Feb 8 02:54:38 2001 (#3496)

my therapist doesn't understand she thinks this is a game she doesn't know how serious i am . sh thinks i can just stop the cutting today right this second or yesterday. it's hard i want to be normal. now there is a meeting with the local mental health provider. i might not get any help. then what do i do? everyone else has given up on me so i guess i should too

Re: i'm lost now
Posted by Nicke on Fri Feb 9 17:29:13 2001 (#3529)

If you don't get any help try a different therapist if that is possible. It sounds to me that your therapist is very unsympathetic. Unless ppl have actually been there then they do not know how hard it is to stop cutting, or about how addictive the feeling that it gives you is. One thing is for sure, we all understand and will not give up on you because we have all been there and know what you are going through. We will offer you as much support as you want and need.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX