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Threads 851 to 900

ERRRR...i'm back! and worse
Posted by Ang on Tue Jan 23 06:42:48 2001 (#3087)

hmmm. i was swell for a then my boy went away for the weekend that kinda bumed me but i have this proble i resort back to second grade the moment he even says his ex's name no matter what content it's in u know? AND! it makes me wanna cutt!! JUST HEARING THAT STUPID ASS BITCHs NAME!! what the fuck is that about? maybe because she always fucks things up and i have not a sen a a i single positive thing come out of her ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR okayu i need to do some thing bad but i'm suppoosed to see my boy tomarow so i really souldn't :( what to do oh guess what i'm sick AGAIN! i have a viral gland infection i feel like i'm dying!! love y'all PLS _PLS PLS e-mail me Ang

Re: ERRRR...i'm back! and worse
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 23 08:34:04 2001 (#3091)

I know that I didn't know you too well before you left for a while, but I'll do what I can to help. You sound like you're at the breaking point, huh? That's not good. That ex of his seems to rile you up somethin auful! Try to fight the cut urge though. Things will be better when you talk to you're boyfriend tommorow. Just keep holding on!

prayers, Colin

the Undead Line
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 23 08:08:29 2001 (#3090)

I hurt, I pain, I writhe, I suffer. I have returned to that place of self torture which I thought I had escaped. I did battle with the Undead Line of demons from the bowels of Hell itself, and lost. On my right, tracks that lie in ranks. As if left by the claws of a mythical beast. On my left, I cross the scars and create a star. Brighter than Polaris which shines in the north, and more brilliant than the Southern Cross that shimmers in the night sky. Right and left, dynamic opposites on the same body. I tried but I failed. I failed to defeat the Undead Line.

Re: the Undead Line
Posted by heavenliegh on Tue Jan 23 13:12:30 2001 (#3094)

Scar and star, your hurt shines out, cracks reveal the beauty within you, more perfect than the world it stains, the ignorance it offends, I see your heart bright in a everlasting sky.

peace, Sarah.

Re: the Undead Line
Posted by @}---,--,--- -- -- on Wed Jan 24 01:01:20 2001 (#3107)

That is lovely phrasing, North and South, straight and cross.

However, if you can see the stars you know that I am nearby, for they are my companions.

And I'm not afraid to fight mythical beasts for your sake.

something has left my life.......
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 23 22:06:02 2001 (#3100)

something has left my life and I don't know where it went to didn't you see me , didn't you hear me, didn't you see me standing there it makes me very lonely when I see you here but it won't be any harder and I hope you'll find your way again say a prayer for me there's no need to argue anymore I gave all I could wiil I forget in time but you're going to have to hold on hold on all night long, I laid on my pillow I thought I'd be dreaming my dreams with you oh but in your eyes I can see the disguise oh in your eyes I can see the dismay you have your heart and you will find it sorry, but i have decided to leave you forever did you think you could just take it all away ? whats in your head oh it's fine for some but I'm going to have to move heart is taking over say a prayer for me my heart is breaking on me.

For my Fran
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Jan 24 00:50:31 2001 (#3104)

Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile Just a little while To see if you’re human after all Honesty is a hard attribute to find When we all want to seem like we got it all figured out Let me be the first to say that I don’t have a clue I don’t have all the answers Ain’t going to pretend like I do Just trying to find my way Trying to find my way the best that I know how I haven’t memorized all the cute things to say But I’m working on it Maybe I’ll master this art form someday If I quote all the lines off the top of my head would you believe That I fully understand all these things I’ve said Trying to find my way Trying to find my way Trying to find my way the best that I know how Well, I haven’t got it all figured out quite yet Even it takes my whole life To get to where I need to be And if I should fall to the bottom of the end I’ll be one step back to you And trying to find my way Trying to find my way Trying to find my way the best that I know how

cutting deeper
Posted by Tara on Wed Jan 24 01:48:15 2001 (#3108)

I hate my life. The more I try not to cut, I end up in a situation when I really need it or I feel as if I am going to die. Sometimes I wish that I would die to get away from my pain.Each time I cut,I cut even deeper than I did before. I get so mad at myself for cutting again. I wish I could just stop. I hate my life and want to disappear forever.

Re: cutting deeper
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 24 05:24:47 2001 (#3110)

And that's just it, the more you try and stop, the harder it returns and the deeper you cut. Then on top of that you get mad at yourself for cutting.It's a cycle that seems to be without end, but it can end. It must end. Please don't disappear out of our lives forever. Try, try try, harder and harder. When you feel like you're fighting a losing battle, come here, to this place. You're among friends here, Tara. People that care. People that will listen to you. Please don't fade away, and keep coming back.

love and prayers, Colin

Consequently lost but no one cares...
Posted by Lither on Wed Jan 24 02:24:25 2001 (#3109)

why doesn't anyone care... I turn here as a last resort... a last shred of... reality... I would rather not awake tomorrow... I'd rather breate no longer... blood is not an enemy... I fear it... every time it shows it's sinister visage I become... I am unsure I simply cut more... deeper and harder... next time it will be my throat... I no longer control myself... falling as a glass winged angel...once I strike ground... I never fly again...

The world flickered and time itself bent to his reign... immortal blood coarsed through his palid flesh and coldly out the slits in his wrists... He stood atop the world weilding his hatred with pure maliscious intent... his sword in one hand scythe in the other he slayed conformity and stupidity easily those who once betrayed him fell decapitated to the earth.... again the blades moved and again another fell... sleighted by none other desecrated burnt to ashes and the pain caused adrenaline to burst and ravage his frail systems his eyes lit ablaze with a new fire and blood sprayed against white walls he laughs mechanically and yet he can never harm his love...

~ Moridhinn

Re: Consequently lost but no one cares...
Posted by Stider on Wed Jan 24 05:47:30 2001 (#3111)

The question of the ages. Why does no one care? I know not. It boggles the mind to even begin thinking about how many countless proles wander the face of this giant rock without even a semblence of compassion. It aggrevates me to no end. The existance of these mobile cancers on the face of humanity. The only release being to split the flesh and allow the pain to escape. It is the worst state of affairs to see this happen to you. I wish you could be well. I pray for it constantly. Let it be known, I shall never stop wishing, I shall never stop praying.

prayers from your friend, Colin

Thank you Strider...
Posted by Lither on Wed Jan 24 17:05:46 2001 (#3116)

I thank you deeply my friend... and it will be sad to watch you go... I will miss the intelligent conversation... I wonder... you help many people... but never wish help yourself... I am unsure of how to say this so... I understand at least a little of how you feel... if you simply need to talk or feel down in any manner... I am always here...

Thank you once again for always being right where I need someone to be...

Yours - Moridhinn

echos
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jan 24 06:58:33 2001 (#3112)

i am really fucked up right now. and i am bleeding. i took vikadin and smoked weed laced with codine. then i took some more pills that i found. now i am cutting. bad. why doesn't anyone care about me? i have not posted in about 2 weeks and no one noticed. i am sorry. i should not be putting a guilt trip on you all. i apologize for everything. but, please do not hate me. i have no purpose here anyway. i am going away.

stay safe

Re: echos
Posted by Kate on Wed Jan 24 14:32:36 2001 (#3114)

I noticed. Please stay. I have known you here for a long time. You are a great person. please stay alive. Email me or write me. I am here.

Re: echos
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 24 21:25:55 2001 (#3121)

Oh my rose. I wasn't here when you were posting regularly. I'm still a newbie here. I pray that you're still OK since you wrote this. Don't think for a second that you're laying a guilt trip on us. We're here for that very reason. I don't hate you. No one here does. Please don't go away from us. Please.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: echos
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 26 20:12:40 2001 (#3198)

I want you to stay...and I notice...but When I'm already losing track of my mind. I'm so sorry your feeling this bad and there's nothing I can say..it's awful

For everybody
Posted by Maggie on Wed Jan 24 13:32:18 2001 (#3113)

To those of you that were frequenting this board one month ago, I'm back from my holiday in Asia. Unlikely that anybody noticed my absense but hey i thought it would be nice to let you guys know i am still alive. And to those that are new to this board, I want to say welcome. In three weeks sooooo many new postings have been put up and it's gonna take me eons to get through them all. So if I reply to a message and it seems like I don't know the background of what the issue is, then it's because I haven't finished reading them.

I'm just babbling now, but I should introduce myself to you new ones. I'm 19 years old, live in New Zealand, been cutting for around 4 months now, but had a stint of SI when I was 15. My family have no idea about it, and I recently started seeing a psych about stuff who is helping me much. I take amitryphthaline and also citalopram, which I find are stuffing me up worse than without them. Does anyone else find this too? I am also on AIM with the name Mincemind, in case you wanna add me to your lists.

Well that's me...the people that I have met over the last few months on this board are awesome and have supported me a lot. I hope I can get to know you guys better too.

Luv Maggie.

Re: For everybody
Posted by Kate on Wed Jan 24 14:34:54 2001 (#3115)

I knew you were leaving. I read your post about Sara Mclachlan. How was your trip? Was it nice to get away? I nice to see you back. See you later.

Kate

Re: For everybody
Posted by suzie on Wed Jan 24 20:56:23 2001 (#3120)

sorry about befor, i wasnt at my computer, so i wasnt there when you imed me, SOrry, but i will be there later! thanks again

Re: For everybody
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 24 21:48:33 2001 (#3122)

Hello from a newbie! I've been around for mabey a week. I had the same experience with SI. I used to cut hardcore from age 12 to 17 and then stopped for two years. But recently (almost as a birthday present (HA)) I started cutting again. Glad to meet you.

greetings and prayers, Colin

My introduction
Posted by Alana on Wed Jan 24 17:54:55 2001 (#3117)

Hi everyone! It seems to be that there's a little family on this board. And I think it's just what I need. My name is Alana, I'm 16 years old, I live in Toronto Canada. I've been cutting (among other thing for almost a year now. I never have anyone to talk to about whats happening, and considering all of you know and have been there, I think I'll keep coming back. Thanks for all the messages you've posted already. I've read most and I now know that I'm not the only one trying to survive all of this. That's it for now, I'll talk to you all soon!

All my love, Alana

Re: My introduction
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 24 22:04:26 2001 (#3124)

I joined this little family myself just recently, so welcome aboard! This is the place to go if you're like us. I'm SO glad you decided to come back. You had me worried there. Never feel like you have to hold anything back when writing here either. Let it all out. We all care, so just write what you feel. See you later.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: My introduction
Posted by sharon on Wed Jan 24 23:44:42 2001 (#3128)

alana, welcome! i'm glad you found us. you're right, it is like a family here, i don't usually post much but i do try to read all the posts. believe me, if you go away for 2 days, it takes hours! anyway, i just wanted to say hi, you're not alone!

hugs,

sharon

Re: My introduction
Posted by fran on Sat Jan 27 20:23:19 2001 (#3221)

Allana, You have a beautiful name and you come from the real Canada. We all have our imaginary Canada...where we have a wonderful house and I always go there when things are really bad. LOve Always Fran. email me but don't send me a virus!!!!!!

last call for my questionnaire!
Posted by stef on Wed Jan 24 20:31:45 2001 (#3118)

hiya, you'll prolly remember me posting about a questionnaire on SI, well i just thought i'd ask again in case there are any newbies - or if anyone missed my first message. if anyone would like to fill in a questionnaire on SI can you contact me at:

stefandango@aol.com

(it's for my dissertation in psychology btw)

thanks!

stef xx

Re: last call for my questionnaire!
Posted by Suzie on Wed Jan 24 20:50:49 2001 (#3119)

i asked you to email me the questionair, and when you did i had to download it, and when i did i didnt get anything, nowthing happened. So i will do the questionaire, but you are going to have to email the questions to me, being the other way didnt work

Pink_Shades@bombdiggity .com renthead020@aol.com

Re: last call for my questionnaire!
Posted by Christine on Sun Jan 28 21:57:38 2001 (#3248)

E-mail it to me it didnt work the last time I think my puter's messed up.

Just one more cut
Posted by Alana on Wed Jan 24 22:00:02 2001 (#3123)

It's all I ever think about. Everywhere I turn, everyone I talk to, it's all thats on my mind. Just one more cut to get me through today, just one more. But I know it doesn't work like that. One more cut, just leads to another and another, deeper and deeper, more blood, more to hide. I'll run out of hidden space on my body, and I'll feel relieved that I will allow myself to heal up a little bit. But the second they start to disappear, I take it out on my body some more. I need it. I hate myself, I hate how I can't do anything right, how I'm not good enough, how I can't make anyone understand, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate ME! I can't even make my best friend understand. He says that he's always there for me, but he doesn't know what to do, and how can he, I'm so stupid. When I need him most, he gets scared and hurts. How can I hurt him like that. Why do i do this to him. What kind of person am I to hurt someone probably more that I hurt. I don't wanna scare him, but i need someone there, someone to just hold my hand and be there with me when i go through this. He tells me to be strong, and that I'll get through this. But I can't see that. I don't want to see it. This is a part of me, I don't want it to go away. It's me.

Re: Just one more cut
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 24 22:25:17 2001 (#3125)

It's such an all consuming obsession, I know. I try to fight it, but it's very hard. Yoúr friend cares alot about you. I found out who my real friends were when people found out. Lot's of people turned away from me in disgust, but the ones that stayed were true friends. It's natural to get scared, because he's scared for you. It's so hard to stop completely. I don't know if I ever will myself. Just keep letting us know how you are. Lots of us have AIM, so if you catch one of us on, please talk to us.

prayers, Colin

Re: Just one more cut
Posted by sharon on Wed Jan 24 23:50:58 2001 (#3129)

si can be so consuming, sometimes i lie awake at night just willing myself not to cut. i totally understand what you mean when you talk about hating yourself. i think many of us here don't have a lot of self-worth. that's something we have to learn. so, all of you guys, i do appreciate y'all. sometimes that's what it takes, knowing someone loves you and is there for you. btw, my aim is duffering1233, if i'm ever online and you want to talk, feel free to im me.

hugs,

sharon

Re: Just one more cut
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 04:40:54 2001 (#3136)

i understand how you feel completly. Its like everytime something happens you feel guilty, and you feel this need to cut. And it dosent stop, every corner you turn there is that need, that craving. its like a blanket and it covers you, sapressing every other want, every other need, and only lets this one hellish thing come through. i understand that feeling, completly. One thing, to stop, tjrow away everything that you can cut yourself with, and that wont stop, and you will feel worse afterwords, but you will be safer, and dont allow yourself to go buy new stuff, and dont allow your self to go cut your self, you will feel worse, and you will want it soo bad, but each day, someday, it will start to get better.

im name Pink shades phish visor

hey, i'm feeling depressed, i wanna talk 2 sumone.
Posted by pippa on Wed Jan 24 22:56:18 2001 (#3126)

this is the first time I've ever actually expressed my self, but I feel that the people who read this are going to understand, coz by the sound of things, you guys are pretty much in the same place.

my name is Pippa, i'm 13, and i live in london. In the past 4 years I've tried to commit suicide so many times I lost count. I'm currently in counselling to help me with my "disturbing behaviour". that woz my school's fault, my parents know nothing about how I feel, I don't talk to them, ever. basically, I woz abused as a kid, in a very bad way. I tried to commit suicide coz of that, when i woz 9. i'ver tried slitting my wrists, taking OD's of sleeping pills and pain killers (just recently I took enough pain killers in 20 to last 4 days). the only escape I have is my poems, this is the one which I like best.

Things got worse every day. I just want to run away, To escape into the darkest night, To give up trying to win the fight. The pain was the best relief, When life was filled with hate and grief, To escape from everyone and be alone, To face my problems on my own. I slit my wrists and watched them bleed, Suicide did not succeed But instead of death, there was pain, And I had to face the world again. I played with fire, and took the risk Had a hit with death, but somehow missed, So the times when I feel anger or hate I risk my life, and play with fate, I won’t feel pain, if I already ache, Nightmares can’t end if you’re already awake.

so, right now, I've got deep cuts all the way up both my arms, and when my school found out I had to stop doing my arms, and moved onto my stomach, it hurts more, if you were wondering. I got caught drinking, smoking, and taking drugs at school, got put into counselling coz I started to cut my arms up again.

I have taken various tests, and apparently I have Major Depressive Disorder and Paranoia Insomnia. basically, I can never get to sleep at night coz I worry about things too much, and I'm very depressed. I really need someone to talk to, so if you want, you can email me, I don't mind who you are, where you are or what you've done, I just need someone to talk to.

xxx me xxx

Re: hey, i'm feeling depressed, i wanna talk 2 sum
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:00:23 2001 (#3137)

what are you doing with my life?? i thought only i felt that way... I know and feel everything you are talking about.. at school, at home, my parents know nothing about me. when the school called home to tell them they have a physco living in their home they started treating me like some glass bottle... like i could break at anymoment.. and any of the teaches that have seen my arms alienate me.. and its soo hard.... i dont get anysleep eother, im up all night long wondering what everyone is thinking, it drives me insane... i cry because i feel huge, i know im normal (120) but i feel like i am huge, and i try to puke all the time, and i try not to eat, and i just want to die, and everything is wrong, and i know just how you feel about everything, so please email me, or repla back here, becauser i would love to talk to you... tjanlk you

Re: hey, i'm feeling depressed, i wanna talk 2 sum
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:50:27 2001 (#3153)

oh yeah , and about you writing, i feel that way too, ... i feel as if in writting i can only truley exspress who i am... speaking is some forigen language to me.. i cant explain anything in speaking, but in the written word, i can say anythinh, and its my passion... that and music, what about you?

Re: hey, i'm feeling depressed, i wanna talk 2 sum
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 05:00:59 2001 (#3138)

Well friend, you've come to the right place. Everyone here are very understanding and care alot about people. Your situation is like mine (with the mental problems) but I was never abused or anything. My cuts as well are focused on my arms (forearms actually). So sure, I'll mail you as soon as I can! Keep coming back when you need a place to just release it all.

prayers, Colin

About your mail adress....
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 26 08:00:06 2001 (#3194)

I can't seem to get your e-mail adress to work. Is it my stupidity or is that the wrong one up there?

prayers, Colin

Re: hey, i'm feeling depressed, i wanna talk 2 sum
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 20:35:09 2001 (#3222)

Pippa honey....Insomnia is torture...I hadn't slept properly for months and within that time I could sleep for a week. It was chronic insomnia...I went to the doctor a number of times and they told me to take a walk. God knows how I got over it....and I gradually went to the other extreme..I now suffer from hypersomnia (Over sleeping) because of my deppression. You know it is bloody awful and there's nothing I can say to make it go away. I can only say I have found something from this board.....that you just can't find anywhere else.....UNDERSTANDING.

Traded your worth for these scars...
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Jan 24 23:39:29 2001 (#3127)

Bleh. I know that I said I was leaving... but I just need to venture back into the past for a bit. Though no one has seemed to notice my absence (with the exception of Fran and Colin) I just thought that PERHAPS you'd like to know that I'm still alive. Granted my finger still hurts and everyone believes I did it shaving... which bothers the piss out of me cause they laugh at my 'clumsiness' If only they knew... then I'd like to see them laugh at the real reason as to why it happened. Hmmm... what else has been going on in my life? Let's see... I got my PSAT scores back. I got a 1040 (which everyone is trying to tell me that a 1040 is above average because, afterall, I'm only a sophomore AND that the PSAT scores don't count towards anything... so my SAT scores will be even better) But the way I look at it... if I can't even get a decent score on the PRACTICE... who's to say I'm not going to bomb the real thing? And then everyone is like 'Well... Baleigh... everyone else got 800's and 900's... yours are above 1000' BITE ME. And to top it all off... University of Florida has this nasty little habit of not letting people in unless they've got a 3.8 GPA... too bad mine is only a 3.6! Shoot me. Shoot me now. Oh well... I'm leaving now. Just thought you'd like to know what was going on with me...

Re: Traded your worth for these scars...
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 25 00:24:33 2001 (#3130)

I don't want you to leave. I know that I don't know you, and I'm new here, but I really don't want you to leave. I'm here if ever you need to email someone. I have a friend, and whenever I'm mad, sad, frustrated, depressed, angry, etc, I just email him. He doesn't respond to it, and I don't want him too. He's my journal. I just want someone to know that I'm not feeling well and he knows. So please email me!

All my love, Alana

Re: Traded your worth for these scars...
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 05:21:49 2001 (#3146)

Why do you have to leave? We all want you here, and if you're feeling stressed that's the worst time for you to go. We all want to know about what's going on with you, so please keep coming Back! I'd say something about the whole SAT thing, but up here we don't have those, so whatever I wrote would all be a bunch of writen swill. But hey, don't feel like you have to leave or that you're not wanted, because it's not true!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Traded your worth for these scars...
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 20:19:48 2001 (#3220)

babe I love you and I want you back. hugs

STRIDER!
Posted by Lither on Thu Jan 25 02:03:20 2001 (#3131)

If you read this before 9:00 pm... please... respond... I am on the verge of self destruction... the undead line you know too well is about to find itself lain across my wrists... I am cold... alone... and no longer permitted to be the child I am... please do not hate me for this... if you ignore it... please... I won't hold it to you or any such thereof... I understand...

Yours - The Glass Winged Angel...

Re: STRIDER!
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 05:06:54 2001 (#3139)

It's eleven now. Please be OK. If you're on please respond. I wish that I had known. I would never ignore it! And I will never hate you. I told you a long time ago that I would never hate you, and I meant it. PLEASE be OK. I'm on AIM rigt now, so if you're on...

Sunset... Silence... Poetry
Posted by Lither on Thu Jan 25 02:17:42 2001 (#3132)

...Sunset...

If I had but one last wish I’d wish to be with you Now and again I must confess All my words been true I’d want to rest beneath the night Before the sunset’s kiss If I were to condemn unto the blight With you I’d seek the bliss I’d watch the sky turn deepest black But I’d not need to fear No more words need be said As long as you stayed near There is no single soul upon this earth As lucky as I’d deem myself to be Your love with me eternal worth To set the passion free Beneath black wings And mortal blood Terror sings And stains the mud Yet I’ve no longer be afraid As your flesh forever warms I’d no longer be dismayed As it’s warm within your arms

Re: Sunset... Silence... Poetry
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 05:14:46 2001 (#3144)

Well, you were here long enough to write some poetry. You and I both know that's a good sign. I'm sorry I wasn't here as well. PLEASE BE OK. I pray that you're alive. I'm so sorry.

prayers, Colin

Re: Sunset... Silence... Poetry
Posted by Fran on Wed Jan 31 21:06:14 2001 (#3354)

Oh Lither I really hope you are okay...Strider is so very worried for you. All your words are profound ...I hope you are finding a way to survive......it's so hard to keep yourself from drowning. Fran

I cut tonight
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 25 03:58:03 2001 (#3133)

I cut tonight for the first time in 2 and a half months. It's what I've wanted all along isn't it? Just one more time. I know now though, that one more time just won't cut it. Literally. I feel like I have to again. This is how it is. I cut, and I want it more, so I cut again, till I'm so soar that I don't have the energy to cut. It's weird though, I don't feel a thing, physically and emotionally when i cut. It's like I'm watching myself do it from above. I can't even explain. I'm just not there when it happens. I'm somewhere else. But now the pain is so bad. My arms are covered in cuts. i don't know what to do. I want it all so much.

Re: I cut tonight
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 06:30:30 2001 (#3154)

Oh Alana. I'm not even going to ask why, because I already know the answer. It's the same reason I started again after two years. Like you, I have no feeling of pain when I do it. I wish I could do more. As is though, all I can do is give words of encouragement and say that I care. I wish i could be there with you. The desire is so strong, especialy after a long layoff from it. Just keep letting us know how you are.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I cut tonight
Posted by Paige Hodges on Wed Feb 7 06:17:39 2001 (#3452)

I don't know what to say except that I understand what that feels like because I have been there. And I know the feeling is unexplainable and you can't understand until you have been there. Most people think it's insane but the truth is it is the opposite. At times it is the only thing that eases sorrow and releases pain and anger. I know what it's like to want it. To see the blood and feel the sting to get your mind off of what is hurting you. I know it's not healthy but it is completely logical. Do what you have to do to ease your pain. But there are other ways. They may not be as exciting but they work eventually. E-Mail me and we'll talk. I relate more than I can explain. Meanwhile try to keep those razorblades down.

Paige

simon's webpage
Posted by melissa on Thu Jan 25 04:16:26 2001 (#3134)

wasnt simon starting a webpage for us? we al emailed him with our info right? what ever happen to that idea? did i miss something?

me

Re: simon's webpage
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:10:26 2001 (#3142)

hmmmmm... interinsting point

Re: simon's webpage
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 06:53:16 2001 (#3155)

What's this about a web page?

sorry bout that
Posted by SImon on Fri Jan 26 02:34:15 2001 (#3183)

I was goint to do the whole web page thing but then exams and the general stress of life kinda sidetracked me and i lost the enthusiasim i once had. Dont worry your details are safe and i will tyr and produce a web site but i cant promise when. i get an idea and then i sometimes feel like just getting up out of my chair may be too much effort never mind designing a comprehensive cutter's web site. if any of u thinks that they would be better at producing the site then mail me and i will send the stuff i have 2 ya. sorry that i dont post much anymore but i think its going to be harder as im off back 2 uni on Sunday and i will get funny looks going to cutters sites and everyone can see whats on ur screen. good night all.

Si

he called
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 25 04:23:19 2001 (#3135)

Remember when I told you I made out with that guy at the bar, well he called. Its weird becuase we were both drunk and I hardly remember talking to him. Do you think you can start a relationship with someone who you kissed before you even went out on a date? At least there will be no sexual tension. There might be if i am sober. He wants to go out. I said I would. What am I doing.

Re: he called
Posted by Suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:08:10 2001 (#3140)

there is always time to cancel.. not to be mean or anything, but you always feel guilty after doing things you don tlike, and than you lead yourseld straight back into them. if you dont want yourself to be led into trouble, dont allow yourself to do things. just call and say you have to go away .. just forget him, so there wont be anymore regrets

Re: he called
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 25 16:20:09 2001 (#3157)

I think you miss understood me before. I didn't like that I made out with him drunk. I am 22, I need to get some experience. If I don't I will end up alone. Besides I might really like him. If I am not as drunk which I won't be then i will not end up doing anything I don't want to.

Re: he called
Posted by Suzie on Thu Jan 25 16:57:31 2001 (#3158)

Ok, i was just giving my opion. If you really like him, go for it, its none of my business really, well good luck

Re: he called
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 25 18:30:21 2001 (#3159)

Sorry if I sounded bitchy. I just speak my mind and stand up for myself a lot.

Re: he called
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 22:54:34 2001 (#3173)

oh gosh so do i, i have the biggest opions, i am so outspoken, and it gets me into trouble alot frankley, but thats not the point, dont worry, im just guving my opions, and no you're not being bitchy, trust me, i'd let ta know if your were, lol j/k and you're not, no one is on this site, except this one particalulair person... but owell thats neither here nor there

Re: he called
Posted by Kate on Fri Jan 26 01:07:39 2001 (#3179)

I guess we have some things in common. How old are you? Where are you from?

Re: he called
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 20:48:19 2001 (#3223)

'Nowaddays people die of a sort of creepingt common sense, and discover4 when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes'-Oscar Wilde. Kate you should be wild and free ...you owe that to yourself but you shouldn't go out with this guy just for experience sake...I've done it and you end up feeling bad. Go out with him ONLY because you like him...and be a free spirit I'm sure Kate you could have anyone..and it is your low self esteem that is telling you otherwise. DON NOT SETTLE ...YOU DESERVE THE BEST. Life should be about passion...only do it out of passion. Love Fran

srtider
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:09:09 2001 (#3141)

whast your im im me if you are still on at phish visor!!

Re: strider
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:12:31 2001 (#3143)

whoo hooo, hello, i know your on, you just posted a message saying your on, ... where are you...... please im me at phish visor thanks

Re: strider
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:16:45 2001 (#3145)

come on i know you're there, you just poseted a new one...... please im me please

Re: strider
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 05:23:35 2001 (#3148)

I didn't look down there. I'm here.

Re: strider
Posted by Suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:24:44 2001 (#3149)

how do you do it... how do you stay strong when hell is looking in your face

Re: strider
Posted by strider on Thu Jan 25 05:26:26 2001 (#3150)

Do you really want to know my secret?

Re: strider
Posted by Suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:28:04 2001 (#3151)

i want to know... you seem so strong with your words, when you are just like all of us... how do you do it... how?

Re: strider
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 05:29:36 2001 (#3152)

do you have AIM? we cold talk that way if you like, My name is UndeadLine

STRIDER
Posted by Suzie on Thu Jan 25 05:22:39 2001 (#3147)

......i know you're still there, please, where are you..... PLEASE IM ME>> PLEASE!!

sorry about that!
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 25 06:57:59 2001 (#3156)

I was just reading over the postings you put up before I realized you wanted to get a hold of me. Sorry I took so long!

love and prayers, Colin

And the glass winged angel crashes down...
Posted by Lither on Thu Jan 25 20:43:55 2001 (#3160)

The sun graces my pale wings as I take to the glorious sky once more... I am cold... yet at least I am free... As I walk amongst the trees and cause the magpies to shoot into the sky as black arrows... and feel the soft touch of morning dew across my shoulders... and stare lucidly into the eyes of nature and laugh softly in spite of the beauty... I am still too alone... As I walk the gates of hell and purgatory earth in the name of one love long forgotten... and slash asunder my very flesh... and feel the soft touch of blood across my wrists and stare lucidly into my own dark eyes in the mirror... and laugh softly in spite of the beauty... I am still too alone...

Too many stones have been cast into my air... my wings have too many holes... I am incomplete now... and falling... there is nothing I can do besides seek solace and pray into a blank state of semi-conciousness that there will be someone there to catch me... I still fear harming them when I do come down... and my wings shatter into a thousand tiny peices... and I cry... never to fly again... never to look unto the world again... never to breathe again... though always to grace the heavens where I do belong...

Forever in the shadow... Moridhinn....

Re: And the glass winged angel crashes down...
Posted by lost and lonly on Thu Jan 25 21:19:39 2001 (#3163)

that was so beautiful why is it so many people can write such beautiful things? i love the way so many people write it amazes me it really does

Re: And the glass winged angel crashes down...
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Jan 25 22:19:54 2001 (#3169)

More wonderful words from you :) The things you write are so beautiful.

love butterfly.

Re: And the glass winged angel crashes down...
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 26 07:06:53 2001 (#3190)

Lither, I had better see you tommorow for the Finite exam.. PLEASE be there.

praying for you, Colin

Re: And the glass winged angel crashes down...
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 20:50:49 2001 (#3224)

I love and admire your words...they dazzle me because they are so beautiful. Fran

To: DB, Baleigh, Fran and others
Posted by Marie on Thu Jan 25 21:07:34 2001 (#3161)

Hello everyone... I haven't been here in a while.. I thought I'd share some good news with everyone.. I haven't cut in a while and my therapy is really going wonderfully.. I am happier than I have been in years and I will soon be moving out of my oppressive home. I still love all of you. I am glad to see some new 'faces' on the board.. and I hope this board goes on to help others as well as it has helped me. Hugs to all. (puts a "vacancy" sign up on her chair and on her door in Canada...) Save me a guest bedroom guys and I'll come visit once in a while.

Re: To: DB, Baleigh, Fran and others
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Jan 25 22:10:08 2001 (#3166)

I never really knew you before, but it's brilliant that you're doing so well, i wish you loads of luck for the future. And make sure you visit canada soon.

love Butterfly.

Re: To: DB, Baleigh, Fran and others
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Jan 25 23:37:14 2001 (#3176)

Yippee!!! It's always encouraging to hear from someone who is feeling better. Best of luck to you Marie!

Love, DB

Re: To: DB, Baleigh, Fran and others
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 26 00:47:57 2001 (#3177)

I tried to email you but I didn't get the right address. I put posts up for you too. Thankyou for being SO supportive at the beginning. I'm so happy things are looking up for you.Please email me & let me know how you're doing

i have had enough of this fucked up life
Posted by lost and lonly on Thu Jan 25 21:12:08 2001 (#3162)

thats it i am not living like this any more, i cant handle this all i do is cry and it is not helping me. i am going to do somthing to stop this. there will be setbacks but i am determind to stop SI. that sounds crazy coz i dont want to deep down as it is a part of me that i will lose but i cant keep hurting every one around me. i haven't cut for 2 weeks wich is ok 4 me as i usually cut every nite. but i am going to beat this. if i succeed then i think i will be happier as i wont hate my self, but by saying that i dont feel like i am a true cutter, that dont make sense but i know what i mean. i feel like i am a fake trying to fit in, but im not i have only been cutting 3 years but that is long enough for me as im only 14. i have never had therpy or been on anti depressants i dont even tell any one but u guys that i cut. i have not ever had an awful life its been great at times but i always see the dark side i think i will alway live a dark life but at least i am going to try and stp hating my self and the people around me. i am still gonna post on this board and i will let you know how im doing you might not care but im gonna tell u any way!! if you read this thanx a lot if you didnt dont worry.

Amanda

Re: i have had enough of this fucked up life
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Jan 25 22:14:04 2001 (#3167)

I wish i had the strength to be determined to stop SIing. Good luck and if you do have set backs just remember there will be people here to help you through them.

Butterfly.

Re: i have had enough of this fucked up life
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 25 22:32:30 2001 (#3171)

Lost and Lonely....that's exactly how I feel. I'm glad to hear that you are coming to the point where you are ready to stop, or at least not far from it. You aren't a fake. Nobody here is a fake. Nobody could do this if they were a fake. Nobody could have the courage to help themselves stop. I know that I'm new here, but please keep on coming back, even if you don't think we care, I do. I wanna know how you are doing. email me!

Alana

Re: i have had enough of this fucked up life
Posted by suzie on Thu Jan 25 22:57:15 2001 (#3174)

hello, thats my life... we share simalair lifes... everything you feel and think, ditto goes for me.... if you ever evere need to talk, email me at Pink_Shades@bombdiggity.com or IM me on aol or aim at phish visor

anytime you want to talk about anything, i will be here

Re: i have had enough of this fucked up life
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 26 06:56:26 2001 (#3189)

Good for you. It takes a lot of courage to make that choice to love yourself. I'm very happy for you! You CAN succeed! You WILL beat this. I'll be praying for you. Let us know how it goes!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: i have had enough of this fucked up life
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 22:32:57 2001 (#3232)

I will be with you every step of the way. You have found a way to fight and you have so much to come...so much ahead. May all your dreams come true. Your courage astounds ...you have better things to come. Love Fran

need your opinions....
Posted by laura rose on Thu Jan 25 21:27:20 2001 (#3164)

Hey guys... I need your opinion on something... hm... how do I put this? Well, recently... I was looking at the info of someone on IM... and on there, this person had a quote that they got off of my website.. now, it's not like it was a lyrical quote, which is no big deal, but it was from a friend of mine... now.. is it just me, or is it proper "netiquette" to ask before borrowing a personal quote from someone's website? I emailed this person.. and they kinda threw a bit of a temper tantrum (but claimed that I was the one who was throwing the tantrum for not being asked)... now... Am I in the right here? I've talked to a few people.. and they all see my side of it... even though I gave both sides.. yes, it IS a public website, but it was a personal quote and it says right on the front page that I have copywrite rights... so um... hm... I don't see why I would be the bad guy here for wanting to be asked.... I dunno.. lemme know what you think...

~laura

Re: need your opinions....
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Jan 25 22:07:32 2001 (#3165)

It would've been nice and polite of them to ask you first but I suppose you can't really stop people from using your quotes without asking you :(

Re: need your opinions....
Posted by *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* on Thu Jan 25 22:19:04 2001 (#3168)

i think that if it is a public website, than you have no right to tell who can and who cant take the Quote. Though it would have been poliet to ask, there is still nothing to do, and if your friend dosent like everyone to read his quote, and it is very personal to him, than why share the quote with the whole world on a public website?

Re: need your opinions....
Posted by laura rose on Thu Jan 25 22:21:13 2001 (#3170)

but the site clearly states that i have copywrite rights... yes, i know that they physically CAN use the quote.. but it is netiquette to ask first.. it's just the polite thing to do... no?

~laura

Re: need your opinions....
Posted by *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* on Thu Jan 25 22:51:22 2001 (#3172)

your site only states that you cant take the pomes, thats all. And we both have said that it would have been poliet to ask, but it is not needed, and not demanded. Now i am sorry, but the people come here to talk about the physcial harm and emotional pain that is bothing them, not a silly little dispute between two people that is really silly and should just be droped, Pskye is a sight for people suffering with problems, and a post board for those with problems, real problems. I ask you to please keep the parafanailya off this board. thank you

Re: need your opinions....
Posted by laura rose on Thu Jan 25 23:01:47 2001 (#3175)

haha... hm.. i can pretty much tell by the words that are not spelled properly that you are the one who stole the quote from my site.. and if you look at the bottom, it does state that the quotes are copywritten as well, but perhaps you chose to look over that... i've been coming to psych for quite a while now, and I can tell you that SI is NOT all that is discussed here, and if you need further proof... read past posts and what i just said will only be confirmed.. and that's all I have to say on this matter...

~laura (with "sheesh" issues)

For laura & *^*^*^*^ and everyone
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 26 01:00:50 2001 (#3178)

Firstly laura I'm so glad you've visited for a bit....and SI is not all we talk about. Personally I think *^*^*^* whoever you are should be less judging and less rude and more polite and I think if you can't be then you really should leave. Laura is a good friend of mine and you don't even know how much she's been through. I've never really had to get get angry at a psyke member but perhaps you should THINK before you speak. Look at yourself before you judge others. Since when did you decide what was written on this board we talk about everything and I've been here longer than you. I think you should APOLYGISE or leave

Re: For laura & *^*^*^*^ and everyone
Posted by *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* on Fri Jan 26 04:01:14 2001 (#3185)

i was talking to laura since she got all pissed at me for doing something that wasnt wrong. I was all nice and sweet in the beginning, and i apologised, but that wasnt enough. I dont try to judge, and i am usually nice and apoligse like a normal person its just that this whole thing is blown out of porporation and i dont know why it was even brought to the psyke board, it should have remanined between me and her and the rest of the members of the board were not orginally involved in the ordeal and i just think that this shouldnt have been brought to the board

Re: need your opinions....
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Jan 28 23:10:20 2001 (#3251)

HAHA!!! YOU GO GIRL!!! TELL THAT BIATCH!!! LOL. SPEAK YOUR MIND SWEETHEART.

MELISSA

Re: need your opinions....
Posted by Kate on Fri Jan 26 01:12:09 2001 (#3180)

WHo are you? If you're so sure of yourself Why don't u post your name? YOu have no right to tell anyone here what is right and wrong.

to #$*#&$&*#&$#
Posted by Lost on Fri Jan 26 02:17:09 2001 (#3182)

who the FUCK are YOU trying to come up in here talkin shit about who can write what and what should and shouldn't be discussed? #1 you dumb shit, if ur the one who used the quote... u need to be a smart little girl and come up with your OWN damn things to say. #2 don't you EVER try to disrespect Laura again... that is JUST not the way its gonna happen. #3 tell me again why u didn't post ur name..??? And by the way... i don't think that your little request of "I ask you to please keep the parafanailya off this board." will be taken into consideration seeing as u are RUDE and think that you can disrespect someone after using THEIR words. And sweetie.... work on ur spelling next time....

Re: to #$*#&$&*#&$#
Posted by laura rose on Fri Jan 26 07:17:24 2001 (#3191)

Aww.. thanks guys.. i didnt mean to start a war here.. but thanks for backing me up here.. i love all of you... even you, suzie.. although you dont seem to be able to admit when you fucked up a bit.. but it's okay... No big deal.. just wanted the opinions of those that i love.... =)

*hugs to all* ~laura

Re: to #$*#&$&*#&$#
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Jan 26 17:36:28 2001 (#3197)

Go Girl!!!

Love, DB

Re: to #$*#&$&*#&$#
Posted by Christine on Sun Jan 28 22:28:37 2001 (#3249)

Dont worry about people like that u dont need them I'm glad u came to visit.I love u and so do the others that stood up for u.

TO EVERYONE WHO WAS INVOLVED
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Jan 28 23:24:09 2001 (#3252)

IM NOT TRYING TO START ANYTHING. AT FIRST I WAS ON LAURA'S SIDE BUT NOW IM HAVE DECIDED NOT TO TAKE A SIDE. I THINK THAT WE ARE ALL BEING REALLY MEAN AND WE GOT CARRIED AWAY. I THINK IT WAS WRONG OF HER TO STEAL THE QUOTE ASKED OR NOT. BUT I THINK IT WAS REALLY REALLY WRONG FOR ALL OF US TO DEFEND LAURA LIKE THAT. IT WS BETWEEN THEM TWO. IM NOT BEING MEAN AT ALL. I KNOW THAT LUARA HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN HERE WAY WAY LONGER SO ITS ONLY NATURAL FOR US TO JUMP FOR HER AND PUT OUR DEFENSES UP. BUT I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. I STARTED GOING TO THIS CHAT ROOM FOR SUPPORT AND I HAD DIFF OPINIONS THEN THE "REGULARS" WHO HAVE BEEN THERE. SO I WAS LABELED AS MEAN AND RUDE AND TRYING TO START THINGS AND IT MADE ME SO ANGRY BECAUSE I KNEW THEY WERE DOING THAT BECAUSE THEY DIDNT KNOW ME AND THEY WERENT OPEN MINDED TOWARD NEW PPL AND NEW IDEAS. YEAH ^*^*^*^* WAS A LITTLE OUT OF LINE TO TELL US THAT WE SHOULDNT BEING TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT SI. REMEMBER SHE HASNT BEEN HERE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW. AND SHE SEEMED A LITTLE HARSH BUT DO YOU BLAME HER WE WERE PRACTICALLY GANGING UP ON HER. IT DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO W/US. JUST BETWEN LAURA AND HER. AT FIRST LAURA DIDNT KNOW IT WAS HER SO SHE WASNT DOING ANYTHING WRONG BY ASKING OUR OPINIONS BUT WHEN SHE FOUND OUT SHE SHOULD OF CONFRONTED HER ALONG SIDE THE BVOARD NOT TO WHERE EVERYONE COULD BASH ^*^*^* ILL ADMIT I DID TOO AND IM SORRY I MYSELF AM GIVING YOU ANOTHER CHANCE. JUST MY OPINION.

MELISSA (NO SIDES!)

I'm back, and not to happy
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Jan 26 03:39:29 2001 (#3184)

well forst of all, i have fallen a silent reader of this discussion board for the past week or so, and this board is really falling apart, i mean, look at the new posts compared to the old ones. this board is no longer about helping people, but about everyone's selfishness to their own. yes we all want help, but that is not without helping one another. please excuse me if i am being rude here, but this is just my observations. i really didn't want to come back here saying this but i felt that someone needed to. imagine if someone just wandered here looking for help, their last resort...would they want to confess their sins to this? sorry...just had to say that...

-me-

Ummmm.....
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 26 07:34:04 2001 (#3192)

I'm sorry you feel that way. I think that Alana might dissagree with that last comment of yours. Sorry, but I've been doing the best I can. If I'm not helping, mabey I should leave? I don't know what the others think, but I thought I was a help to people. Mabey I'm wrong.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Ummmm.....
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Jan 26 14:14:09 2001 (#3195)

colin, as i was writing that, i honestly was thinking of you, because you were the only person who i could think of who truely wants to help everyone here on the board

-me-

Re: I'm back, and not to happy
Posted by Kate on Sat Jan 27 18:08:20 2001 (#3218)

I disagree. I have never met so many selfless people in my life. There was someone posting on here that seemed to cause some trouble but I think they left. I noticed tension when that person was there. I felt like that person wasn't very caring and voiced harshed opinions.

Re: I'm back, and not to happy
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 20:59:49 2001 (#3225)

I always try and help people...but I really am falling apart..you've made me feel really really selfish now...I cry because of all the people I want to help....those who died in Aucshwitz, those who died in Vietnam, those who died in the battle of SoMMe, all those that have died from the awful disease AIDS, those who died in the ETHIOPIAN FAMINE, those who are dying in UGANDA...THe awfulness of those child soilders. I wanted to help out at my local hospital by reading to child Leukemia sufferers..I cried about them the other day at the bus stop ..I CRIED because I couldn't stop little children dying of cancer. I don't want to feel this low...but I've never felt worth anything. I came to this board because I needed to say what I thought and how I felt ....I'm trying to survive and I'm trying to help...and I know I'm awful at it. I'm sorry that you thinbk I'm selfish and awful ...I think that too. I hate myself too.

Re: I'm back, and not to happy
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 28 06:18:20 2001 (#3241)

Don't hate yourself Fran. That's not what Cheze2 meant! You're not a worthless person, and I'm glad you're here to help! You are trying to help despite your own hardships. That's the bravest thing in the world. Please don't feel like that. We all love you, want you here, and care for you.

love and prayers, Colin

So i'm supposedly shutdown and numb...
Posted by Ang on Fri Jan 26 04:54:06 2001 (#3186)

hello my loves how are you all? i'm doing okay but supposedly as my theripsit called me today i'm shutdown and numb if i was so numb would i be cutting though? all though i havn't cut n a week WOOHOOOOO any ways donno hasd a litle scare this week that was fun! (e-mail me if u wan to know more) any ways yea i really miss you all i wish we talked more KISSES ang

Re: So i'm supposedly shutdown and numb...
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 26 07:41:02 2001 (#3193)

Pretty sensitive for someone who's numb, eh? (HAH! Well, I thought it was funny. Whatever...) Way to go on the week! That's excellent! Just wish we heard from you more. I've never been to a therapist so I can't give too much commentary on that except for the above joke (and yes, that's what it was, so quit yelling already!). What's it like? Great to hear that you're doing great! Keep going with it.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: So i'm supposedly shutdown and numb...
Posted by Ang on Sat Jan 27 05:40:55 2001 (#3208)

therapy basicly sux u feel like shit after wards becasue ur so emotionaly drained i donno some ppl like it NOT ME and its just weird

Re: So i'm supposedly shutdown and numb...
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 21:05:16 2001 (#3226)

I always feel alot worse afterwards too......they draw out all the pain from you then they look at your watch and say okay next appointment is...... and you walk out feeling numb and alone and lost.

Hypocrite. I am.
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 26 05:39:01 2001 (#3187)

I'm such a hypocrite. I come here day after day trying to tell all of you to hang in there and be strong, when here I am having cut myself a short while ago. Realy deep too. There was a line of solid black in the center of the blood flow. I hate this. I cut and it barely makes me feel better anymore. So deep. Bleeds and bleeds. Jesus, what have I done to myself. When I see the cuts heal I have to do it again, and if there isn't the same number of cuts on both arms I have to do it again, and if the cuts are different sizes I have to cut again to balance right and left, and it keeps going. How can I help anyone if I can't even help myself? I'm sorry everyone. I also have a question. How long does it take for you to go from gaping flesh wound to finished scar? I would realy like to know, anybody. Ahhhh... I fell horrible. I hate this more than anything in this world. I don't know. Now that I've started again I just can't stop. At least it makes me feel OK for a short while. It doesn't last though. I want it so bad I can taste it on my lips and feel the blood run down my arms onto the floor. I'm twitching while I write this. I'm sorry I'm such a hypocrite. I'm sorry.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Hypocrite. I am.
Posted by Alana on Fri Jan 26 05:59:02 2001 (#3188)

Please Colin, be okay! Message me, anything. I don't want you to feel this way! I know exactly how you feel for I did the same last night and tonight. I have to have the same amount of cuts on my left as my right, and if they aren't the same size or as deep, i work at it some more. It's like art. Please talk to me! Alana

Re: Hypocrite. I am.
Posted by sharon on Fri Jan 26 23:54:18 2001 (#3202)

colin, you need to not feel like you have to be perfect and take care of everyone else ok? i think many of us here think that if we make the whole world happy, then we will be too. but you gotta take care of yourself too, don't feel guilty about it. none of us are perfect. i'm praying for you.

hugs,

sharon

Re: Hypocrite. I am.
Posted by Ang on Sat Jan 27 06:37:04 2001 (#3209)

honey if ur a hyporcite then we all were just gere to help u and i know that ur e-mails and posings make me feel so much betteri'd still be cutting if it worn't for teh damn x-acto knife blade going dull...and for the tasting it on ur lips i know that feeling i thik we all do its hard...i know i have scars but there not that bad anymore and ppl can't really see them and it liuke i want them too u know its like u see this THIS is how much i hert inside this is what i feel oaky i love you, ang

Re: Hypocrite. I am.
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 21:09:18 2001 (#3227)

Really Strider I've noticed you take the whole weight of the group...and it's hard and you should be letting yourself go. The truble is were all lost souls and as much as we try to support each other we are bound to fail .It's good knowing your hear but you need to take a rest too. I think you should consider therapy BUT only with a psychiatrist or therapist you like and respond to otherwise you end up like me...and I'm not alowed to stop because 'I'm too ill' to live without it.

SCREAMING&SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT
Posted by FRAN on Fri Jan 26 20:41:42 2001 (#3199)

My mother has decided the only reson I have a cutting problem is because I read about cutting. She also said that reading sylvia plath and books like prozac nation perpetuates my deppression. Last night night my father shouted at me and told me to pull myself together....he said I was a complete mess and I was never going to get anywhere. He ran around the house screaming 'thats your sister making herself sick in the bathroom'. I WRITE MY OWN POETRY ABOUT WANTING TO FUCKING BLOW MY BRAINS OUT......I DIDN'T DECIDE TO be THIS WAY...I DIDN'T ASK TO LIVE LIKE THIS. My childhood has been miserable and unhappy and frightening and I hate him for it....I hate both of them for it and now there telling me my only problem is what I read. Suddenly they know whats best for me..my mother speaks to me as though I am mentally challenged as though I am a child. She even told me the other day 'your ill and you don't know what your saying' . How dare they treat me like this. I am so angry and now I am angry with myself. I AM GOING TO CUT NOW...not because of what I've read on this board but because of my life. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHGING. I rely on this board...and I'm told I'm obssessed because I read suicidal poetry. HOW FUCKED UP ARE THEY? Probably unloading their own guilt. I want to fucking end it all....... I hate this fucked up world. I'm so angry....no one understands...yeah well maybe I am fucking crazy. I've reached the point where I just CAN'T CARE any more because I'm passed it , passed finding reasons to make it5 in this godforsaken world....I'm passed the fight. I have all this fucking pain and they're's no where to go. There isn't anything let and this time I don't want to calmly. I want to put the GUN TO MY HEAD IN MY BED...and the blood drips down my white sheets. I'm telling you this because you were the only people who ever understood me . I want tyou to do one thing for me......I want you to make sure my truth isn't lost...everything I wrote on this board was from my heart and please don't ever forget that. I owe alot to you, especially DB and Laura and I wish I could have spoken to you more. I wante to write and that was all I ever wanted....I wanted to show reality I Know you believed in me and I'm sorry. I'VE BEEN SCREAMING AND SCREAMING FOR SO LONG.....BUT THEYT DIDN'T LISTEN AND I JUST CAN'T SCREAM ANYMORE

Re: SCREAMING&SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT
Posted by Kate on Fri Jan 26 21:47:10 2001 (#3200)

Sweetie, I am so sorry. Please be careful. Email me. You mom is wrong. If it was that easy to start cutting it would be that easy to quit. Eating disorders and addictions don't happen because we make them they happen becuase of a deep seated feeling that we are not good enough. Please hang in there.

Re: SCREAMING&SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Jan 26 22:44:45 2001 (#3201)

Franny,

I want to be able to help you so badly. It feels like the end of the world to have your parents tell you you're 'sick' and it's especially bad when they're wrong! My mom is similar in that she tells me I should read happy books and listen to happy music. Somebody define 'happy.' It's not the books you read, honey. It sounds like they want you to be insecure about yourself. I'm trying to prove to my parents that I'm not unstable right now. I don't know if they believe it or not, but I'm the one who lives in my head and their opinions don't count in this. It's hard to ignore them, though. Just keep fighting.

I love you, DB

Re: SCREAMING&SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT
Posted by hello kitty on Sat Jan 27 00:46:41 2001 (#3203)

Sweetheart, you don't need to scream at me, but you can do any time you want...scream at me until my ears bleed...best friends listen to what you don't say, and you don't need to find the words coz i so totally understand what you mean...Never Ever stop fighting. Don't give up. Never let your pretty power get the better of you. And you will be a writer honey, I wasn't joking babe, that stuff you sent me was perfect! (jealousjealousjealous) Keep sparkling baby doll, let your hope be super glue xxxxxxxxxx

Re: SCREAMING&SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 27 04:18:47 2001 (#3205)

Fran, listen to me. Don't let it end like this. Do NOT let it end like this. You can make it hrough this. Parents can be so misunderstanding. I think that they may not want to accept that thier daughter cuts herself. They don't want to accept that you're different than everyone else, that you're not the perfect little girl they expected. I know that's the way my parents first reacted, so mabey your parents are doing that too. All of your messages will be remembered, because you will write more! You will make it! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. WE CARE ABOUT YOU AND LOVE YOU. That's all I can say. I'll be praying and praying for you. We all love you. Please stay with us.

love and prayers, Colin.

Re: SCREAMING&SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT
Posted by Nicke on Sat Jan 27 17:15:24 2001 (#3213)

Fran, It's sounds to me like your Mum and Dad don't understand what's going on and they are desperate to be able to explain what is happening to you. People are scared of what they can't explain. That is why they are saying you're sick and that it is because of what you read. It is their way of explaining what they can't understand. But we understand and we will all help you get through this.

Nicke. xx

Re: SCREAMING&SCREAMING BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 20:17:20 2001 (#3219)

Maybe your prayers worked strider because I didn't kill myself that night. I was getting very close...to the edge. If I hadn't made it, then I wouldn't have been able to read your messages to me...which has just made me feel alot lot better. I Love you all. By the way Nicke are you new. I have a big apology to make until this week I've read ever message, but because of bad things going on there's so many I haven't read. Also I think someone has sent a virus to my computer, and it's really screwed. So to the person who sent the virus...thanks alot because you just screwed up my support link....the place I rely on ...the place I come to for reasons...YES REASONS TO LIVE. SO THANKS ALOT VIRUS SENDER.....ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD< YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

re: in my opinion...
Posted by Michael on Sat Jan 27 02:35:46 2001 (#3204)

okay, please excuse any spellling mistakes as i am quite drunk...must stop... Laura Rose posted a question...quite understandably *^*^*^*^*^ didn't put her usual name down as he/she was posting an OPINION....now opinions are opinions because they are not facts...they are personal views...it's fine to disagree...but to argue?! I know the person in question is young....i have posted egotistical, self-absorbed rubbish here before, we all sometimes say what we don't mean....picking up on the fact that this person spelt some words wrong - i'm very drunk so i may spell some words wrong - it's irrelevant....Okay, Laura may have copywright, so she is entightled to say what she's said...it seems to me that the whole situation got out of hand. Laura is right to say she has ownership....but i'm sure she didn't mean to upset anyone whilst saying it. I know *^*^*^ is upset because of what's happened...

Basically, i'm a bit upset because someone like me, and the rest of us, has got upset for saying something that snowballed into someting big and (if taken in the wrong way) possibly offensive....they weren't meant to be offensive i'm sure..

I'm not taking sides at all. I just hate anybody getting upset, i hate argueing and disagreeing. saying that, if you disagree please reply

Re: re: in my opinion...
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 27 04:27:41 2001 (#3206)

I think I agree with you. Let's stop all the fighting and start with the healing! (though I think that Laura's stuff is hers and no one else's).

prayers, Colin

Re: re: in my opinion...
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 21:15:56 2001 (#3228)

I'm sorry for getting angry at *^*^*^*^*.... I just really felt like that person was trying to tell everyone what to do and I thought the comment was quite spiteful. I don't want to upset that person...I really don't I hate upsetting people but I don't understand why that person was trying to tell people what they could and could not do. After all this is almost making this board a microcosm of society and aren't we trying to get away from that here....and this board is about freedom of expression whatever that may be for each person...they're are no boudaries about fro when people are rude to others and horrible and not thinking of their feelings.

Re: re: in my opinion...
Posted by *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* on Sun Jan 28 00:24:25 2001 (#3235)

i am sorry if you felt that i was trying to tell people what to do, because in no way was i trying to do that. My opion was that it shouldnt have been brought to this board, that it was between me and laura and that i didnt think that type of stuff should be on the board, but thats what i think, it was an opion, and, ... it kinda blew up. Im sorry for those who took it the wrong way, and im sorry for those people who dont under my opions. I am very out spoken and extremly opionated, i always try to exspress my feelings and views, and it usually gets back to me in a bad way, but i feel that this board is here to be an exscape from the real world, to escape those who subject us to discrimanation because of out problems and aleiante us because of them, and i thought that it was wrong to come her and judge others. but thats just my opions and my views. sorry if they are offesive or you dissagree to them

SHITY just shity
Posted by Ang on Sat Jan 27 05:36:39 2001 (#3207)

yep thats how i am my damn bf got his tounge peirced we can't kiss for 4 weeks AND! i don't wanna kiss him it reminds me to much of m y ex errr i'm so...crying wow i forgot i could cry (hay colin thanx hone)i donno i'm so confused i don't know what do do i kinda don't wanna live wow thasta first i feel like nothings gonna get better and i'l never be happy is this true?

Re: SHITY just shity
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 27 07:10:43 2001 (#3210)

Sure it's true. True that you FEEL that way. NOT true that things are actually that way. That whole boyfriend situation must be tearing you up. You made it clear to me that you don't realy care to be reminded of your ex (I know, that's a slight understatement). Things will get better! I know they will!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: SHITY just shity
Posted by Kate on Sat Jan 27 17:56:28 2001 (#3216)

I've kissed a guy with a tounge ring. I really couldn't tell it was there. Although I was drunk.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by Nicke on Sat Jan 27 16:41:46 2001 (#3211)

Hello, I've been browsing this site for a while now listening to everyone being brave enough to tell their stories. I now feel ready to tell mine. I have just recently moved to my own flat after living in hostel for 2 months. It is just now that everything about my life has hit me. I was sexually abused as a child and I only realised that it was wrong 2 months ago. I knew that it had happened but I pushed it to the back of my mind, pretended that it was a dream as it was easier to think of it like that. So it hit me hard when I actually realised that it was wrong. I had just given up a drug addiction at the time and that night I took another ecstacy pill and it made me forget everything. I tried to kill myself that night. My friend phoned to see if I was alright and when I looked down I realised that I had cut my arms several times and that I had the kitchen knife to my throat. I started to see a counsellor after that but it didn't do any good because I would just sit there and not say anything. I was still too numb to talk about any thing. I was thrown out of my house because of my drug adiction but I was glad to leave because then I wouldn't have to put up with the violence at home. The day after I tried to kill myself I found out that my mum didn't want me to see my younger brother or sister any more. This just sent me west. I tried to take an overdose, but I got to the hospital in time. This all happened 3 months ago. Things were okay for a while as I had lot of friends suppoting me. But I've just left college as that was getting me stressed out and the adjustment has been to hard. After not cutting for two years, I started again on Monday. I have 6 deep cuts on my arms and the pain inside still hasn't gone. The pain that makes me not want to exist anymore is still there deep inside telling me to take the pills and do it. Put me and everyone out of there misery. Everytime I cut it eases the pain a little until the pain is replaced by guilt. I'm sick of trying so I might just wnd it all.

Nicke.

Re: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by heavenleigh on Sat Jan 27 17:08:39 2001 (#3212)

Nicke, Please don't take the pills. I know that's a little judgemental, but it's really not controllable when you start doing that. You've obviously worked so hard to get yourself back together, and I don't want to see you or anyone on this bourd lose what they've gained. Anyway, what's this with "You don't have to listen" - that's what i'm on this board for. I used to cut a lot but i don't at the moment. I know what it's like to want to just disolve into nothing and let the world get on without you. But there are people on this board who care and can help. Anytime you feel like that please try writing it out on here before you try to end it all. It's not easy to find supportive people, but you have found some here.

Re: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by Kate on Sat Jan 27 17:53:57 2001 (#3214)

I am so sorry you have had a rough time. Please don't be ashamed to tell your stories here. We all have done things to be ashamed of. I know I have. I think I might have been molested too but probablly repressed it. If you ever want to talk I am here.

Re: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by Nicke on Sat Jan 27 18:00:19 2001 (#3217)

Thank you all for wanting to be there for me and I really appreciate it. I have gotten over it once before but this time it just feels so much harder. I too will try to help as much as I can to offer any words that I can to anyone in need. Once again THANX

Re: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 21:29:15 2001 (#3229)

Dear Nicke I'm so angry and so sorry for all that you have had to go through. I want to always be hear ...so email me anytime. I think I will learn alot fro you..but I also want to know that I'll help you in anyway I can. I always take the drugs I'm offered and it's the only time I've ever been free, I know it isn't the answer....but then what is the answer. I hate how much pain everyone has gone through and I want to magically wave it away from all of you. Have you read about Canada yet? (I am the resident fairy)...make a wish Nicke... and I will do my best in Canada to make it come true

Re: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by Alana on Sun Jan 28 04:33:12 2001 (#3237)

Hi Nicke, it takes alot of courage to say what you just did. And yes, we don't have to listen, but we do. Thats why we keep coming back. I think us who SI, seem to deal with it better if theres someone else there who knows what its like and who feels it too. I know that has helped me alot these past few days. But, don't be afraid! Keep coming back, and keep writing what you feel. Nobody here will ever judge you! Lots of love, Alana

Re: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 28 05:52:26 2001 (#3239)

I don't have to, but I want to. Your story reminds me alot of me. I haven't tried to kill myself (I thought I would a few times), but after two years I started to cut again. I've never had any abuse, but I do know about cutting, and friend, you've come to the right place. I came here and I've found people that understand, because they've done it themselves. We all understand. Please don't end it all. I pray that you come back to this board and let us know how you're doing.

prayers, Colin

Re: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN!!
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jan 29 12:24:05 2001 (#3266)

Thank you all for helping me because that is what you are doing! I need your advice though. My friend is heavily into drugs and has asked me to help her get off them. The other day she nearly took an overdose. I tried talking to her last night and now she doesn't want the help. I know you can't push people but I was so frustrated yesterday that I cut again really deep. Now I have an infection in my wound. I relly want to help but it just seems that whenever she is around her boyfriend that she doesn't seem to care about herself at all. I hope you can give me some advice, as I really want to help her.

Once again THANX

Nicke. xxxx

DEAR SHARON
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 21:34:51 2001 (#3230)

Dear Sharon. Can you please tell Rose that I'm thinking of her...and I really hope she is okay. Is she back from 'getting fixed' in China yet?. Please send her lots of hugs and angeldust and wishes and tell her to try and be strong. Oh Sharon I really hope she is okay. This board breaks my heart. Love Always FranXXXX P.S tell her were waiting for her in Canada

Re: DEAR SHARON
Posted by sharon on Sun Jan 28 19:43:55 2001 (#3246)

dear fran, thanks so much for asking after her, it'll really boost her spirits to know that someone cares. i don't think she's going to china to "get fixed" until the summer. i'll be sure to tell her you're thinking of her next time we talk.

hugs,

sharon

TO VIRUS SENDERS EVERYWHERE!!!
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 21:39:56 2001 (#3231)

PLEASE DON'T SEND VIRUSES TO MY COMPUTER. ANY VIRUS SENDERS OUT THERE.....JUST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE I'M TOO SCREWED UP TO COPE WITH IT AT THE MOMENT. YOU DON'Y UNDERSTAND.......IT IS AN EFFORT FOR ME TO EVEN LIVE AT THE MOMENT. sEND ONE TO THE PEOPLE WHO FUCKED EVERYONE ON THIS BOARDS LIFE.....LIKE THE FAMILY MEMEBERS WHO SEXUALLY ABUSED THEIR CHILDREN, TO LAURA'S RAPIST ETC...INFACT WHY DON'T YOU SEND THEM TO HELL INSTEAD....BUT PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Re: TO VIRUS SENDERS EVERYWHERE!!!
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 28 07:03:33 2001 (#3242)

Who in the world would send you a virus?!?! Here is my promise to you. If I EVER find out who sent you a virus I will personaly rip off thier arm and beat them to death with the bloody limb! That's a promise.

your avenging angel, Colin

Re: TO VIRUS SENDERS EVERYWHERE!!!
Posted by fran on Sun Jan 28 12:06:42 2001 (#3243)

thankyou..greatly appreciated. love fran

Going to Canada
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 27 22:35:04 2001 (#3233)

I think we should go to Canada....is anyone coming?. In Canada I don't want to die.....

Re: Going to Canada
Posted by Kate on Sat Jan 27 23:47:03 2001 (#3234)

for real i would go. maybe one day.

Re: Going to Canada
Posted by Nuni (for Fran) on Sun Jan 28 02:15:23 2001 (#3236)

Hi Sweetheart, I could never pass up an opportunity to visit Canada, my room, and my little "sisters". Hugs to all, I dont come around as often but I do visit. Hey you all I am always available for e-mails, and my IM name is TurtlesCor....when feeling DOWN, remember you arent completely alone!! Hugs, and come by room later Fran, all of you, I am working on a story I will be happy to read to you. Hugs, Nuni

Re: Going to Canada
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 28 12:19:20 2001 (#3245)

Well I just love going to Canada...I think the snow has thawed and spring is on it's way. I'm on my way to Nuni's room now and I can't wait to hear the story. By the way in the summer I think we should have an outside ball with lots of dancing and fairy lights....there's a lake near the house which will be fun for midnight swims. But of corse thats in the summer. In spring we can go for lot's of walks and pick beautiful flowers for the meadow and when we get back to the house , we have an open log fire. There is a group of us making cookies and pies in the kitchen...remember Christine it's magic food. Oh in the evening we can sit and listen to Carole King...because I love her and anyone else you guys like. Oh I KNow...I absolutely love black and white photography...we can have a dark room I'm so excited. I really want one of those old movie cameras that have no sound...you know the ones theyt used to use in the fifties...colour pictures....a wonderful nostalgic feel to them. We have on of those and we can film each other...then in the summer at our parties...we can project them onto a canvas while we are outside while it is dusk. I'm really exicited now.....I'm taking lots of pictures and filming everyone...I love it in Canada.....

Re: Going to Canada
Posted by Alana on Sun Jan 28 04:40:42 2001 (#3238)

Hey I know that I alredy live in canada, but I could use some of your Canada. It sounds nice. No hurting right? Everyone....email me, its time to start chatting!

Lots of Love, Alana

Re: Going to Canada
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 28 06:03:06 2001 (#3240)

Oh Fran... I like the sound of your Canada. I don't know exactly what's going on in your life right now, but I'm here to do what I can to help. Let us know what's going on.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Going to Canada
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 28 12:09:34 2001 (#3244)

By the way my aim is someglitterchick

Shit went down...
Posted by Kate on Sun Jan 28 20:12:03 2001 (#3247)

Last night was one of the most fucked up nights i have ever had. We were at this party, a friend birthday, all my family and friends were there. A friend of my friend came with her sister who gave dirty looks to everyone. I tried to be nice to her but she was very rude. so i confronted her but she was still rude and when i walked away she started making fun of me. My sister heard and wanted to beat her ass. I wanted to even more so. Everyone said to ignore her but I couldn't let it go. I can't stand it when someone hates me or is rude to me. I don't let them get away with it. I went up to get a drink and the girl was kidding around with me and acting like a bitch I blew up at her and my one friend started to intervene saying we were both bitches. Not knowing that she was kidding I walked away over to my mom and burst into tears. Everyone saw me crying I was so angry that I just broke down. The girl came over telling me she was just kidding but I was so scared of her I burried myself in a pillow. She started telling me about how fucked up her life was and telling me she wanted to help me. It turns out she tried to kill herself the week before and that is why she was so bitchy. I feel awful here I thought it was becuase of me. I always assume people hate me and are out to get me. She got really drunk and beat up my friend last night after the party. this girl is so messed up. I normally would want to help her but she is a bitch and would bite off anyone's head who would try to help her. I just wished I had never even approached her maybe then she wouldn't have ruined my life. Sorry this was so long, i needed to vent.

Re: Shit went down...
Posted by Alana on Sun Jan 28 23:59:05 2001 (#3253)

I wish that you didn't feel so bad about this, but i know how you feel. I too always take everything to the heart, and think its my fault. That's something I need help with, taking everything so personally when it cannot be helped. As far as this girl goes, if she has problems, fine granted, but she had no right to make you feel the way you did. That was very unfair of her. Nobody has the right to take their misery out on someone else and make them think that they caused it. So Please be ok, I hope we were everything you needed here today. Just a place where you can get it all out,and not worry what people will think because we are all similiar here. We all know what its like. I'm sory this is so long, but I had to get that out too. Light and love, Alana

Re: Shit went down...
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 29 00:35:12 2001 (#3254)

Thanks. I am fine. I just want to help someone.

Re: Shit went down...
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 29 07:33:07 2001 (#3261)

I'm glad you let us know what's going on with you. That's a hard situation to handle. That is VERY screwd up. If I had been in that position, I think that I would have really scewed it up. I'm glad you told us about it. Things like that really weigh heavy on your mind. Vent like that whenever you need to.

love and prayers, Colin

hate being gone for 2 long...
Posted by Christine on Sun Jan 28 22:55:48 2001 (#3250)

I hate being gone for to long cuz when I come back there's so many post's and it takes me for ever to read them.This post didnt really have a point but I'm glad to see you all.

Re: hate being gone for 2 long...
Posted by Butterfly on Mon Jan 29 19:04:52 2001 (#3273)

i don't really know you, but it's nice to see you again :)

Well then...
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jan 29 01:50:08 2001 (#3255)

I forgot why I love this so much. I forgot how alive I really am. Completely sober and my arms are just dripping. There seriously is no high like this. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. I just bought new razor blades because I gave away all my old ones. I must be smarter this time, and not tell anyone about my little problem. My dirty little secret. I almost feel bad for writing that with a smile on my face. A couple of nights ago I was lying in bed with my ex-boyfriend having a conversation about our current relationship he told me that I'm evil. He also said i'm the scariest girl he's ever met. I don't know why, but I take pride in that. I have this friend who checks my arms every day to see if I have any new cuts (he doesn't check very well, hee hee hee) and yesterday after my nightly inspection I asked him what he'd do if he found any new cuts, and he said that he'd get really angry and never speak to me again. I think I'm going to put the cuts right where he can see them. One less worry on my mind.

I've got a bit of a mess here, I must clean up. Now I shall be a hypocrite and say...

stay safe, my friends.

Re: Well then...
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 29 07:41:53 2001 (#3262)

Oh my rose. I know the feeling. It seems like you can never give this up. That you can never stop cutting. I feel the same way. The cuts feel so good and the blood running in streamers is so comforting. The look of it, the feel, the iron smell, the metalic taste. I wish we could all stop. One thing I must say though. No matter where you put the cuts, I'll never stop speaking to you.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Well then...
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jan 29 21:19:27 2001 (#3278)

You're so sweet.

BLUE ROSE
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Jan 29 21:41:55 2001 (#3280)

YOU WERE DOING SOO GOOD. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THE WAY YOU RIGHT THINGS. LIKE DISCRIPTIVE I GUESS. OR MAYBE JUST THAT YOU SAY THINGS HOW YOU FEEL THEM. I LOVE YOU ROSE. I HAVENT CUT IN A LOOOONNNG TIME. ITS BEEN LIKE A MONTH OR MORE. I DO DRUGS NOW INSTEAD, YAY (SARCASTICALLY). BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. BUT ANYWAY THE WAY YOU WROTE MAKES ME THINK OF LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A HORROR MOVIE, DONT TAKE THAT THE WRONG, ITS A GOOD THING. YOUR WRITTING GIVES ME FEELING, THATS REALLY GOOD. WELL ANYWAY, I LOVE YOU ROSE...IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO IM HERE FOR YOU, REALLY I AM.

MELISSA

Last Resort
Posted by Cheze2 on Mon Jan 29 02:58:14 2001 (#3256)

I'm kinda messed up in the head right now...dissociating i think...i'm not positive, just everything looks so surreal, so new, like i've never seen it before, like i was just born...i'm having a bad night, so much has been going on lately, i've got a boyfriend now, he cares so much, it makes me wanna cry, but then, i also wanna sabatoge everything that we have going. i always feel like that when i get into a relationship. i want one so bad when i dun have it but when i do have it, i kill it all within a week!i'm so pathetic, i dunno what to do anymore, i haven't cut in a few days and i'm freaking. i told my parents that i was stopping, and i just don't want to hurt anyone. but i do, i want to put them through hell and back, just to see if they really care. to see if they'll give up on me. i just want to cut so bad, i want to cut until i pass out, from lack of blood, i just want to wake up in an emergency room, and have it all be over, i dunno...

-ME-

Re: Last Resort
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 29 03:05:15 2001 (#3257)

I understand. its like you are so used to being sad happiness frightens you. I am the same way. When someone cares for you, you feel weird like it shouldn't be happening.i have friends and I have trouble believing why people like me. This guy probablly does care and maybe you are afraid of losing that feeling so you want to end it right away. I hope i helped. Write me or email me.

Re: Last Resort
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 29 06:42:59 2001 (#3260)

I know exactly how you feel. All I wanna do tonight is cut till I pass out. If I pass out then I won't have to worry about falling asleep, which I haven't been able to do. I want to wake up in the emergency room too, so then people will realize that it's not stupid, that it is a huge problem, and that I need help. Sometimes i just wish i could be locked away so i couldn't hurt myself anymore. But I'm sure I'd find away. Maybe not how i would like to, but the pain just gets so bad inside of me that I can't live with it anymore. I just want to let it seap out of me through my cuts. Why can't it leave me alone? What the hell did I ever do? I think I'm so stupid to let myself get into this. I'm not good enough and worth enough to stop though. Never will I be.

Re: Last Resort
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 29 07:49:04 2001 (#3263)

It seems that's that always the case, isn't it? Even when you get something that you want, something that makes you happy, you do whatever it takes to destroy it! It's so stupid, but I do it too. It's good that you didn't bottle it up inside. Try and keep on your recovery path.

love and prayers, Colin

PopTarts
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jan 29 03:10:51 2001 (#3258)

To deviate from sadness, despair, mutilation, and aggression...

I tried Poptarts for the first time this morning. They were strawberry flavoured. Who else thinks that the icing on top is a joke???

Re: PopTarts
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 29 03:18:36 2001 (#3259)

They are pretty nasty. How was your trip? Didn't you go to Asia? That sounds awesome.

AKA: Individual packets of cess pool run-off
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 29 08:01:13 2001 (#3264)

I'll bet that's a first that'll go down in history, eh? The thigs are vile. Icing? that's what that's supposed to be? I thought that "icing" was what's left on the toiletbrushes after the janitorial staff at the Pop-Tart production plant cleans the staff washroom.

Re: PopTarts
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 29 17:28:12 2001 (#3272)

Oh man, you guys are going to hate me! I kinda like pop tarts! Awww, I'm sorry! Hahahahahah!

Re: PopTarts
Posted by Butterfly on Mon Jan 29 19:12:14 2001 (#3274)

pop tarts aren't that bad. i kinda like them too. The chocolate ones are nice, but then i like most chocolate things :)

Re: PopTarts
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jan 29 21:23:01 2001 (#3279)

don't feel bad, I love pop-tarts

Re: PopTarts
Posted by Christine on Wed Jan 31 06:01:18 2001 (#3338)

I eat poptarts everyday for breakfast I love them and strawberry w/ the icing and sprinkles are the best I like apple 2.

Endless
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 29 08:43:45 2001 (#3265)

There's no end in sight. It just keeps getting worse.I want to stop cutting so bad, but it doesn't end. I finaly was happy, but then when one thing goes wrong, it all plummets in a flaming wreck of pain, and it lands directly on me. So now here I sit listening to Rammstein with open stars on my arm (it was the left arm, so stars instead of claw marks ). I hope this will stop. It has to. It's going to happen again though, I can feel it, rising inside of me, from some unknown pit of self hatred and desolation. It's come to take me away to a place where I can never be reached. This had better end soon, or it will be the end of me.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Endless
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jan 29 13:06:10 2001 (#3268)

Oh dear... i hope you don't cut too bad now. If you do, please make sure you clean them up well. Vitamin E oil works wonders, and so does butterfly stitches.

When you say that you know it will happen again, it's not giving you much hope of stopping. You gotta keep telling yourself that this is the last one... which doesn't mean it's the end of you, but that you are gonna find the strength inside to stop. I know that it's not that easy... i still SI, but you have to think positively. Occupy yourself with something that will distract you from thinking of cutting... napping, call friend, take walk, come online and chat... just don't give into this thing. It's not you...it's a disease that is taking over you, but you can fight it, but not if you give up.

Love and prayers, Maggie

Re: Endless
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 29 17:23:39 2001 (#3270)

I'm sorry Colin, that I made you feel that way. It wasn't my intention! It's really tearing me up inside to hear that you hurt so bad. I won't let this be the end of you, there's still so much to experience. Just think of all we've talked about. I'm not going to let this destroy you. We've come this far.....I need to reach you. However far you've gone, i'll reach you, if it kills me.

Re: Endless
Posted by L&L on Mon Jan 29 20:06:38 2001 (#3277)

it will end, you just have to keep hope inside you, i think ive found a small amount of hope and i dont know where it came from but i do know that it is there for each and every one of us. if you want somthing bad enough you will get it. happiness is hard to keep but if you have it for a short time then that is progress. try setting your self a target, if you normally cut every day try to only cut every other day, then every 3 days and so on, each time you can go a single day without cutting your self that is a big step forward, and if you cut the day after its a setback but you can still win, as long as deep down you have that ray of hope and will inside

good luck and if you need someone to talk to then email me at babe2k2000@hotmail.com

Amanda

Re: Endless
Posted by Christine on Wed Jan 31 06:04:35 2001 (#3339)

Remember there are more days to come and you know you have the courage to make it threw them all.I'll help if things get to hard.

ATTENTION-IT'S TIME TO HAVE YOUR SAY!!!
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jan 29 13:19:16 2001 (#3269)

Hi. Now I don't know how you'd feel but just listen to my suggestion. I first started coming to websites about self injury as a favour to my friend. She is doing a disatation in Psychology and the title is "self harm-is it a failed suicide attempt?". Now as it is olnly curtious to ask to use other peoples material I am. However I don't want to take anything off the board. I am asking you to write your opinions on the matter to the board or to e-mail me on the email above or nicke1uk@yahoo.com I hope this was not too forward off me to ask, and I hope you can share your opinions. you can remain anonamous if you like. THANX

Nicke. XxxxxXX

Re: ATTENTION-IT'S TIME TO HAVE YOUR SAY!!!
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 29 17:25:31 2001 (#3271)

Self injury is a way for me to keep myself from killing everything that I am.

Re: ATTENTION-IT'S TIME TO HAVE YOUR SAY!!!
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 04:49:17 2001 (#3290)

Feel free to take anything that I've writen here and use it. It's fine with me!

Re: ATTENTION-IT'S TIME TO HAVE YOUR SAY!!!
Posted by Maggie on Tue Jan 30 08:36:28 2001 (#3303)

Yeah, you can use anything I have written on the board, although it sucks.

What kinda material do you want though??? If you have questions, we could answer them.

Self injury to me is like emotional morphine. It instantly numbs internal pain. By making it physical, I can see it, bandage it and carry on. Scars make me realise that what I feel is really something. Blood is cleansing. The violence of the act proves to myself that no matter how much anybody else hurts me, I can hurt myself more. I get a sense of control over my highly volatile existence.

Like morphine though, over time you need stronger fixes to get the same pain relief. SI is not a suicide attempt, it is a life-preserving act. My biggest fear is that this dependancy will turn into my end.

Re: ATTENTION-IT'S TIME TO HAVE YOUR SAY!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 30 11:01:18 2001 (#3306)

Thanx for your contribution. The idea behind it is to convince the naive, uneducated people out there that SI and suicide are 2 seperate things. Poems or experiences and opinions would be great and very helpful.

Once again THANX

Nicke XXXX

Re: ATTENTION-IT'S TIME TO HAVE YOUR SAY!!!
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Jan 30 11:50:46 2001 (#3309)

SI is definitely not a suicide attempt, at least it has never been so for me. Most people I've known who SI, including myself, tend to cut in areas like the back of their arms or their chest or legs, making it deliberately difficult to accidentally kill oneself. RE: poetry, I really keep intending to put some up here, but I keep fogetting to bring it with me(I have to use uni computer) One day, I will actually get my head round it. Use anything I've put on here, it's fine.

To Maggie about Asia
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 29 19:33:24 2001 (#3275)

Dear Maggie What part of Asia did you go to?. I went to northern India in the summer, it was awe inspiring and amazing. Completely different from anything I've ever experienced, I'm to go back in the next year. tell me all about your trip....we have lots to talk about. Loads of love Fran*** Whats your aim? Mine is someglitterchick

Re: To Maggie about Asia
Posted by Maggie on Tue Jan 30 08:17:50 2001 (#3301)

Ummm... it was an amazing trip. I went to Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand. The most exciting thing was visiting the Karen and Akha Hilltribes in Northern Thailand. They reside just next to the Burmese (Myanmar) border and few tourists go visit them. The Karen group that we saw were the Longnecks. The woman put rings around their necks as they grow, to stretch them. They are really heavy and some ladies have 30 of them!!! This tribe have refugee status in Thailand after coming over from Burma just 3 months ago, so very few tourists have seen them. The Akha tribe next to them worship spirits. To them water has evil spirits, so they bathe just once a year in a special ritual. So you can imagine the state of their hill village. Their customs are so different, so unbelievable for people brought up in western cultures. We also went up to the Golden Triangle, the point where Burma, Laos and Thailand meet. It used to be the site of Opium trading and many people were murdered there up until the 60's. I rode elephants and visited historic Buddhist temples in Thailand. Chiang Mai in the hills is the most beautiful part... I found Bangkok fun for shopping but dirty and stressful (the drivers are mad and people keep trying to rip you off). I did parasailing and jetskiing in Penang, Malaysia. Also foot relexology, traditional massages, manicures, pedicures etc to treat my body to eastern pleasures. In Singapore I went to a family reunion, where extended family from all over the world met together. I met cousins from Germany, France, England, Australia, US and many other places for the first time. We all clicked so well even in the 3 days that we had together.

I did so many other cool exciting things that will take me pages to explain. My AIM is Mincemind.. I already have you added to my list.

Tell us about your trip in India... I also plan to go there in 2 years for volunteer service.

Luv Maggie

so far so good...but i want to give in
Posted by lost and lonly on Mon Jan 29 19:59:39 2001 (#3276)

so far i havent cut for nearly 3 and 1/2 weeks but i want to every time i walk into my room i look around for a razor to take apart, i cant go in my wardrobe as that is where i have put my blades, so that i have to think about it befor i cut but i feel so weak. i can hardly sleep all i do is think about cutting i cant eat any thing red, it makes me cry, i never used to be like this it started out ok cutting used to be a relese but now its a nessesaty i feel like i have to cover my body in cuts so that it looks even i want to be reminded that i need help but i refuse to get the help myself. i look in the mirror and i look a mess, my hair my face it all looks awful but then it always did, i cant stop shaking i feel so bad almost guilty for giving up somthing that has helped me for so long it has been the best friend that i have had for so long and now im leaving it behind trying to move on and i feel like i have hurt myself so much. the guilt i feel is tearing me apart, i hate myself so much and i hate my life, what do i have going for me nothing that just about it. no sorry im a good listener and thats it, i have moved house so i have no real friends apart from one, and i cant see her when i need to she isnt there when i need her. i feel so helpless ut i feel like it is my fault and i dont want to live my life like this in fact i dont want to live at all.

Re: so far so good...but i want to give in
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 05:15:28 2001 (#3293)

That feeling of alone is hard. Whene you're alone, you have so much time to sit and think about everything, and that's dangerous for people like us, because we always think of the bad things about ourselvs. Even if there aren't any, we always come up with somereason to hate ourselvs, which is what seems to be happening to you. I can believe that you don't want your life to be like this. It's horrible to go through life hating yourself. Please don't though. You know that there's no reason for it. Three and a half weeks? That's amazing. You truly are a fighter. Keep fighting, you must. Keep fighting.

love and prayers, Colin

A mindless fantasy...
Posted by Lither on Mon Jan 29 21:56:28 2001 (#3281)

Walking slowly on gray clouds reveling in such profound anger and disgust proves to lighten such sullen appearances to take your hands in mine and stride once more unto the fields where glory reigns and the black roses flaunt sharpened thorns chasing chaos for no further purpose than to ask it why? And to strike such a smile across a face long since ruled by the lines of pain and sorrow breathing so silent as the velvety blackness of twilight dawns on sweet embrace and I hold you in my bleeding arms to kiss you with my blood on my lips once more before drifting into dreamless sleep and to lie apart while passions flame burns bright and turns to embers within hand in hand to stare blankly into millions of stars and wonder if the night would ever end as fireflies dot the wet leaves upon the forest floor and snow begins to claim its victory I am no longer cold for it is warm within your embrace and to awake to the sun glinting through the trees and dew falling casually onto my forehead to look down and stroke your silken hair with a touch as soft as the spring rain as you rest your head upon my chest and slowly open your eyes to the mornings tears and to wipe the dried blood from your cheeks as we kiss slowly and simply stay where we so desire never leaving the other in silence again...

Re: A mindless fantasy...
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jan 29 22:09:08 2001 (#3283)

I want to print that out and put it on my wall. Tell me your name so I can give you credit.

I can tell you are beautiful.

Re: A mindless fantasy...
Posted by Lither on Mon Jan 29 22:41:07 2001 (#3285)

Thank you... my name is Moridhinn... which means in itself "Forever Dead Within... "

Thank you once again M'Lady...

Re: A mindless fantasy...
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 08:23:04 2001 (#3302)

Ahh, Lither my friend. I'm glad to see that you still post. When you are "allowed" to, that is. Sorry I didn't get back to you on IM, but I wasn't allowed to. Oh well, I pray that you have been doing alright. I'm glad that you keep posting on this board. It lets us all know how you're doing, which is very important. Plus, your writing and poetry are the epitomy of skill. NEVER stop writing, you hear me? NEVER. I hope that you can find a publisher that recognizes talent, because when that day comes, you will get the recognition you deserve. Of course, only a handful of people will ever truly understand what you're writing about (remember what people thought James O'Barr's "The Crow" was about? I think that(including you and I) mabey what, 15-20 people in the world understood it? Am I being too generous with those numbers?). Always good to read what you've wrote, as I can always tell what you're feeling from it, even if you don't come right out and say it.

prayers, Colin

Re: A mindless fantasy...
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 30 19:23:17 2001 (#3317)

....you just broke my heart....again. 'open your eyes to the mornings tears and to wipe the dried blood from your cheeks'. Oneday I want my pain to fadeaway...... oneday I will be free to fly away.

Re: A mindless fantasy...
Posted by Christine on Wed Jan 31 06:15:32 2001 (#3340)

I love to read your poetry is soooo good.I'm glad to see your doing good yourself. Keep wrighting

everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by Blue Rose on Mon Jan 29 22:05:27 2001 (#3282)

I haven't read the board for awhile so I don't know everyone. I'd like to just get a basic understanding of who you all are becuase, apparantly, I'm going to be visiting here more than I expected. Life's a bitch, but what can you do? I'll start off for those of you who don't know me...

My name is Rose, I'm 19, I live in Minnesota and go to the U of MN. I've been cutting for about 6 or 7 years, mostly off and on. Unfortunately, it's been on lately. I've been diagnosed as bipolar (which I think is a big steamy pile of horse shit), and that's all I can think of to say for now...

...so, please respond to this, all of you, even if you think I know you. (:B

stay safe

Re: everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by rachel on Mon Jan 29 22:35:44 2001 (#3284)

heya,

im 14 from wales, uk. Ive been cutting for about a year and half. I cut my arms and stomach most nights and occasionaly burn myself. i havent been diagnosed as my mum tries to ignore the problem and i refuse to talk to anybody about it, not even my psychotherapist.

Re: everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 29 23:48:29 2001 (#3287)

Hi, I'm Kate. I'm 22 and have been cutting for 7 years of and on. I have depression and anxiety especially in social situations. I also have low self-esteem. I have been posting here since this summer. See you later.

Re: everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 05:50:17 2001 (#3295)

My name is Colin Marlow. I live in Blind River Ontario. I'm 19 (just turned. I cut from age twelve to seventeen, but stopped for two years. I just started again a few weeks ago. All (and I mean ALL) of my cuts are on my forearms, it's where I live. One major thing about me is that I'm a Christian, and that's realy affected my life. You've come to the right place if you need help and understanding. Please keep posting when you need a place to vent.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by MELISSA on Tue Jan 30 17:42:36 2001 (#3313)

HEY, YOU KNOW ME IVE BEEN HERE A REALLY LONG TIME, ALMOST AS LONG AS YOU. IVE MISSED YOU LATELY, IM KINDA GLAD YOUR BACK BUT NOT REALLY CUZ IT MEANS THAT YOUR CUTTING AGAIN. WELL IF YOU NEED ANYTHING E-MAIL ME OR I-M ME (MACNMKS) ILL BE THERE.

MELISSA/16/FL/CUTTING FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS (I THINK)

Re: everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by lost and lonly on Tue Jan 30 20:27:35 2001 (#3326)

my name is Amanda im 14 and i live in england, i have been cutting for 3 years on and off(mainly on for the last 6/7 months) i am trying to stop hating myself and i ahvent cut for 3 and 1/2 weeks so im doing ok but i want to cut. i have never been to therapy or anything like that as my family all pretend that nothing is wrong. anyway email me if you need some one to talk to

Amanda

Re: everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by anji on Tue Feb 6 09:31:39 2001 (#3428)

Hey, I'm anji, and i've never posted here before. This is the first time i've even been to this board. I've onlly cut for three months or so. I also have depression and have some form of dissordered eating, probably bulimia, but am in denial about it all. Oh, and i'm also from MN. I have tons of friends that go to the U. :)

Re: everybody, somebody, anybody, or nobody
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 6 13:18:30 2001 (#3433)

Hi, I'm Nicke. I'm 17 in about 1 months time. I have been harming for about 4 years off and on. I live in England and suffer from depression. That is all I can say about me right now because the rest is boring!!!

SLOW DANCE
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jan 29 23:30:30 2001 (#3286)

This is a poem that someone has given me to read when times are hard.

Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better slow down. Don't dance so fast, Time is short. The music won't last.

Do you run through each day On the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done Do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores Running through your head? You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow? And in your haste, Not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die Cause you never had time To call and say "Hi"? You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss have the fun getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day , It is like an unopened gift... Thrown away. Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over.

Re: SLOW DANCE
Posted by Ang on Mon Jan 29 23:58:47 2001 (#3288)

WOW!

Re: SLOW DANCE
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 06:05:23 2001 (#3296)

Thanks for sharing this with me. It's really meaningful. Made me think about a lot of things.

Re: SLOW DANCE
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 30 19:29:35 2001 (#3318)

I love it babe...and I will think I you when I read it. Loads of Love Frannybabe

Re: SLOW DANCE
Posted by lost and lonly on Thu Feb 1 20:04:17 2001 (#3377)

that was amazin it really made me think about life, i really think that we do all rush through life.....we should slow down

i wish!...*******
Posted by Ang on Tue Jan 30 00:02:41 2001 (#3289)

i wish for the stars to be mine at nigh i wish for the **** to never leave teh sky i wish i was older i waish i was closer to ppl around me i wish i didn't shut ppl out and i wish i was closer to all of you so what i'm saying is e-mail me ppl lets get to know one another! hugs and kisses love always Ang

Re: i wish!...*******
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 06:09:12 2001 (#3297)

That's a good idea, Kate. You'll hear from me.

I'm a dumbass. Sorry!
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 06:30:38 2001 (#3298)

I was doing like three things at once while I wrote this, and Kate's post is below yours, and there was this moment of dyslexya, and well, I screwed up! Sorry Ang! And Kate too! I'll try to stay more focused when I write these things so I don't screw up names. Again, sorry!

prayers, Colin

Re: I'm a dumbass. Sorry!
Posted by Ang on Tue Jan 30 20:11:11 2001 (#3325)

its all good baby boy we all get stupid some times ;) Ang

You guys are awesome..
Posted by Kate on Tue Jan 30 05:01:50 2001 (#3291)

i just wanted to say that you guys give great advice. I can't beleive some of you are only 14. I glad there are no more lurkers on this board becuase we don't need anymore evil. Fran, strider, alana, blue rose, maggie, christine, simon, melissa, lost, and more. You guys are worth staying alive for. You are all so sweet. Well I just wanted to let you know. Lots of love.

Kate

Re: You guys are awesome..
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 06:36:18 2001 (#3299)

Awwww! *snif!* thanks! I love you too!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: You guys are awesome..
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jan 30 09:07:17 2001 (#3304)

Thank you. We've semi-known each other for a couple months now and you've always helped me.

So, thank you. :*)

Re: You guys are awesome..
Posted by MELISSA on Tue Jan 30 17:44:37 2001 (#3314)

AWWWW, THANKS BUT I ALREADY KNEW THAT ...J/K! MUAH XOXOXO YOUR GREAT TOO.

MELISSA

Re: You guys are awesome..
Posted by Fran. on Tue Jan 30 19:36:48 2001 (#3319)

you know what your fab too. and I would have said awesome but I'm english and it isn't what I say. Fab is THE greatest and you have every reason to love yourself kate the great who is so beautiful she can't even see it. *sunshine* Fran

Re: You guys are awesome..
Posted by Christine on Wed Jan 31 06:24:58 2001 (#3341)

I hope one day you will love yourself as much as we all do.Is that even humanly posibble?

lost - and desperate
Posted by lys on Tue Jan 30 05:13:48 2001 (#3292)

this is my first time here, actually I just stumbled across the site. I don't really have anything to ask, but I just want to say a few things because no-one else will listen. On January 3rd, 5 days before my 17th birthday, I overdosed on tylenol. A massive overdose. I wish I had died, but I didn't. I have been cutting for the past few years, but never more than once a week. however, since I got out of the hospital, I have been cutting almost everyday. And different cutting too. Now I use razors. I also do gross things to the cuts, like pouring salt and nail polish remover over them. It sickens me to think about, but the pain helps me. It calms me. But it also scares me. My therapist is good with the SI, but my family doctor is creeped out about it and my psychiatrist doesn't realise how bad it is. Plus, my parents don't know. What do I do? Please respond, talk to me, something. I need to hear something.

Re: lost - and desperate
Posted by Kate on Tue Jan 30 05:21:51 2001 (#3294)

Hi, I'm Kate. I am 22. I have been where you are. I too overdose on pills when I was 18. I haven't attempted suicide since. I see what it does to my family. I still cut. You are not alone. I know you are scared and think you are the only person who does this but you are not. We are all here for you. email me or write me. Don't worry about anything.

Love, Kate

Re: lost - and desperate
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 30 07:17:25 2001 (#3300)

I have never tried to kill myself (wanted to), but as far as the cutting goes, your singing my song. After I cut, I let the cuts bleed for a good while, then I fill them with salt. I used to cut with a hooked tile knife, but right now I have to use razors for some reason. Like you, I fell upon this site completely by chance and MAN am I glad I did. If you need help, understanding, or a place to rant about your feelings, this is the place! You've found the only people that can truly understand you, because we've all experienced it. Keep posting here when you... well, just post for any reason at all!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: lost - and desperate
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jan 30 09:17:06 2001 (#3305)

Hi hi~ I wish I could give you some good and healthy advise, but treading the same water you are. I'm glad you posted here though. If nothing else, this place is a comfort zone, everyone will listen and try their best to help you.

I'm wondering, why do you wish you were dead? What's going on in your life that makes you want to die, or at least be in pain? Sorry if that sounds prying, but it feels good to get shit out of your system without any inhibitions.

Welcome, and stay safe.

why?
Posted by lys on Tue Jan 30 18:04:56 2001 (#3315)

well, my life hasn't exactly been a fun thing. Before I was born, my mom tried to abort me, and failed. This is used against me all the time. The man who I live with, who I thought was my father until I was nine is leaving, and at one point he was the only one who wanted me (he convinced my mom to take me out of foster care at the age of 3). For almost 3 years I was sexually abused, but my abuser died, so that abuse stopped. At least I think he is dead. I am not fully sure. I was physically abused in many other ways all through growing up. Sometimes, I still am. Anyways, I have practically raised my 2 little sisters (7 & 8) becasue my mom is incompetant, and I can't deal with this shit any more. Well, that is a basic history, a few things left out, but that is pretty much why I don't want to live anymore. That is why I cut. lys

PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 30 11:13:51 2001 (#3307)

Now I know that I am not a writer and that I don't write good poetry. However last night I really had the urge to cut myself again. I fought it untill I punched the walls in anger. So instead I wrote down my feelings, and below is what I wrote. What is more amazing is that I actually felt better.

Tonight I have not cut, but, how I long for that fear to be released. The fear of being alone with nothing but my knife to bring me sweet, sweet comfort. How I long to feed my new found addiction and watch the blood pour from my fresh new babies, born unto my arms, telling of the fear and anger I feel inside. How I long to tell the world of my pain, to scream as my body does, pain and peacefulness, simultaneously combined. My blood is my pain, rejected from my body just like life rejected me. Everytime I cut it eases this inner ball of fear and anger and pain until it is replaced by guilt and shame-my secret shame. I FEAR THE PAIN THAT BRINGS MY SECRET SHAME!!

Nicke. XXXX

Re: PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Jan 30 12:01:55 2001 (#3310)

WOW. I thought that was beautiful, especially the part "rejected from my body just like life rejected me". You described exactly how I feel, hope you don't mind if I print this off and keep it. Keep writing!!!!

Re: PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 30 21:57:22 2001 (#3329)

Not at all! Like I said I don't really write, that was just a spur of the moment thing when my head was full of messed up emotions, feelings and thoughts. They just came down on paper nice!!!

Thoughts always, Nicke. XXXX

Re: PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 31 05:11:42 2001 (#3333)

You say that you're not a writer, but if you're not you fooled me pretty well. That was great. i'm so glad that you didn't cut! It does feel good to write, doesn't it? Sometimes I do the same and makes me feel much better. Mabey you should take up writing and give up cutting! Wouldn't that be nice?

love and prayers, Colin

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 30 11:35:28 2001 (#3308)

Hey there. This is another poem given to me to cheer me up, and it just makes me...well...laugh!!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kil today because they got on my nerves.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always give 100% at work(school)... 12%on Monday, 23%on Tuesday, 40%on Wednesday, 20%on Thursday, And 5%on Friday.

And help me to remember... When I'm having a bad day and it seems people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack some-one in the mouth.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED!
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 30 19:38:39 2001 (#3320)

HAHA....me too. I'm giggling now. Sunshine and giggles FranXXX

Re: A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED!
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 31 05:13:42 2001 (#3334)

This is pretty nice! I especially like the number of muscles part!

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