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Threads 801 to 850

sTriDeR
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Jan 17 23:18:10 2001 (#2886)

HEy! i really just want this to be a thank you note, cause no matter what you are always there thinking of everyone here, and offering your insight, but, what about you? i have looked back, and i never see anything about you, like you getting pissed off at people, feeling out of control, i really hope that your okay, and not just helping everyone else to help forget about you. I really appreciate everything that you have ever said and i take to heart all of your wisdom. thankyou :)

-me-

Re: sTriDeR
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 04:49:57 2001 (#2895)

Thanks for the accolades! I know how hard it is for me being an SIer, so I feel like I should help people. You are right though, I don't post everything about being angry or sad. I just don't want to be a burden or anything. I know that I shouldn't keep it to myself and that the point of this board is to help eachother. Tell you what, from now on I won't keep it inside. Love to you all!

prayers, Colin

Me too, Linda & Laura Rose - Farewell you guys
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Jan 18 01:32:03 2001 (#2888)

I was thinking about this earlier today... and I suppose it's time that I leave too. I mean... I've been coming for for like... 4 months... and you all mean so much to me. I mean... I'd be sitting at school and wasn't able to wait until I could come home so I could see what all you guys had posted... I really felt that I was actually a part of something for a change. But now I'm not so sure. I mean... by my coming here isn't helping anyone. I always say stupid things that only make people feel worse. I dunno... I just don't feel like the part of the group that I used to be. So I'll stop taking up ya'lls time and leave. Who ever wants to have my room in Canada... feel free to have it or anything in it... just burn whatever else isn't wanted.

Re: Me too, Linda & Laura Rose - Farewell you
Posted by sharon on Thu Jan 18 02:59:49 2001 (#2889)

no matter what you think, you have definitely made a difference here. sometimes just seeing your profound shower thoughts have really brightened my day. i say stupid stuff all the time, i mean, that's what we're here for right? to listen to and support each other. well, whatever decision you come to, just remember that we all care very much about you, God bless, sharon

Re: Me too, Linda & Laura Rose - Farewell you
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 05:06:13 2001 (#2897)

Please don't feel that way! We all care for you! If you want to leave, feel free to. I mean, I pray for the day that none of us have to come here and that we're all OK, but don't for a second think about leaving because you think you're making people feel worse! That's not true! We all care. Truly. I hope that you stay around if you need it. If you go, well, know that we'll miss you. Love you.

prayers, Colin

Losing faith...
Posted by Lither on Thu Jan 18 04:03:44 2001 (#2890)

I have never trusted anything... least of all myself... never had one to call a descent friend besides strider to an extent... my parents utterly hate me and call this certain personal problem into every discussion claiming it is illegal and the like... I suffer more pain inside... the cutting is simply an escape... a sweet reprive from strife and angst...

I hate me... but to what purpose... please... someone help me... fear is overpowering

Re: Losing faith...
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 05:16:09 2001 (#2898)

Remember, I am your friend. I don't want to reveal all of the intimate details of your life, so I'll talk to you in person. I will say this, you know who my best friend is. He is a better friend than anyone you've ever met, and He can help us all like 'He's helped me so far (and continues to to this day). If you reapond to this before you go to bed, I'll talk to you tomorrow. If you happen to miss it, well, I'll still talk to you tommorow.

prayers, Colin

Re: Losing faith...
Posted by heavenleigh on Thu Jan 18 13:24:14 2001 (#2911)

You don't have to trust anyone to be a beautiful person, and I don't mean physically or in relationships with friends etc. The words you write are beautiful. You had enough trust to post on this board and you don't have to tell everyone all about yourself, or become emotionally vulnerable by opening up. You don't have to trust me to have my moral support, you don't even have to like me. I don't want you or anyone to have to be afraid.

Sarah.

PS. don't know if this is relevant or not, but I went through a phase of fear and absolute panic at the thought of talking to anyone about anything, and antidepressants really helped. On the other hand, writing to this board is the biggest commitment I've made to anyone for years, so maybe I'm not the best person to be giving advice.

Re: Losing faith... i know how that feels
Posted by Suzie on Thu Jan 18 23:28:43 2001 (#2922)

i understand where you're coming from. I dont know if my parents hate me, because i dont belive in hate, but i know they are extremly dissapointed in me. And it tears me up inside everytime i have to look into their eyes and see how much of a mistake i have been. And that first conversation, when i was confrunted with "my problem" was pure anguish. I was told i was sick, and i was wrong and i was put into this vision of a sick girl, when im not. My parents dont bring "it" into conversation, i guesse because they want to just either forget that i live, or forget that it happened. They act towards both. I feel myself losing faith in me, and losing faith in the world. Many time i have contaplated leaving the world, thinking that it would be seeminly good, as i am not adding to it in anyway. But that wrong, and i know that is wrong. though my heart says other wise. And right now i view myself as some demented form of a barbarien. Though i know i am not. I am the same as all the others, equal in every way. And i dont see my self as that, but i know i am that. And that is imporant beyond all. You first have to know, then you work on beliving

Why is everyone leaving
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 18 04:45:51 2001 (#2894)

Why is everyone leaving? I can see just going away for awhile but I don't get it. Who is leaving for sure? Fran and DB you better stay!!!

Re: Why is everyone leaving
Posted by Darkrose on Fri Jan 19 05:26:50 2001 (#2956)

A while back someone (laura rose, perhaps?) mentioned we all seem to follow parallel paths - when one person had a lousy time of a day, several others always had too. Maybe some are just running into the same frustration, or feeling that a period in their life has run its course. Although I respect their feelings, I do hold a selfish hope that they might return in time. Who can tell?

Peace.

Re: Why is everyone leaving
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 23:04:35 2001 (#2975)

its sad to see people go, but than, we must also think, maby they dont need to come here anymore, becauyser they are better. and isnt that what we should be happy for,

Um...remember my job?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Jan 18 04:51:26 2001 (#2896)

I quit it on Monday. I don't remember if I mentioned it or not. I know I posted about the emergency room, but I hadn't quit my job at that point. I called in on Monday morning and told them I wouldn't be back...ever. anyway, I supposed that depressed me, though I really can't tell. I'm just glad to have some of the stress lifted off me. I was there three weeks, which is a personal record for me. The bad part was that before I went in on my last day, I cut myself. See 'fuck me..." post. Then on Saturday, I couldn't quit digging my nails into my arm. I wanted so much to feel something. I guess it's a good thing that I haven't had to take any of the sedatives the doctor gave me in the e.r. Still can't wait to get the bill for it!!

I've just realized why I love genealogy so much. Wanna know? Too bad, I'm telling anyway!! I think I have this obsession with finding out about my ancestors because I want to know if fucking up runs in the family. Lord knows I've messed up enough times and to at least know if I'm the only one or not is a comfort. So far, I can't find a lot of screw ups in my family tree. Just a lot of brave souls who went to war to fight for Scottish independence.

As for my status in Hell, I was in the seventh circle earlier. I'm now scratching my way through the sixth circle. By the way, thanks to Strider for walking with me and keeping me company. And thanks to everyone else who cares. It means a lot. I know we say it pretty often here, but it DOES mean a lot to have this many people who give a shit if you live or die. Most of us aren't used to that.

Love, DB

Re: Um...remember my job?
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 05:45:03 2001 (#2902)

I remember reading about the job. That sucks completely. At least you set a new record for time at work! I've had the same problem with jobs. I had one as a coock at a KFC and MAN was that NOT the right thing. The only job I was a good at was a job in a stone quarry, and the only reason I liked it was because I worked myself so hard that it was pretty much SI! That's why Im joining the army in the summer. I can handle screaming and orders as long as I have the extreme physical to keep me alright upstairs. I've done what you want to with the geneology and found that on my father's side there's no history of mental problems, but on my mother's side, there's at least one institutionalized person for every generation! Luckily I take after my dad more, so I haven't gone on a kill frenzy or anything. You should check it out, you might find some answers. I'm glad to take any trip with you.As far as personal hell goes, I currently dipping periodicaly into level one, but I spend most of my time on the surface, so grab my hand! The weather's better up here!

prayers, Colin

Re: Um...remember my job?
Posted by heavenleigh on Thu Jan 18 13:28:08 2001 (#2912)

I think I set the record for MINIMUM job security - walked out of tamato picking after 2 hours then had to go home on the bus stinking of tomato plants and looking absolutely disguting. Great exercise in self esteem building!

Re: Um...remember my job?
Posted by Darkrose on Fri Jan 19 05:36:35 2001 (#2957)

I'm so sorry I didn't see your post last night! I would have offered what little support I could give.

I wish I had the persistance for geneology. I have no idea what my ancestors were like, personality-wise.

If you can't reach Strider's hand, I'd be glad to extend mine. I've been somewhere between the second and fifth recently, so reaching down isn'ta struggle, if you need it. (Which reminds me, it has been entirely too long since I read Dante.)

Peace.

Re: Um...remember my job?
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 21 23:12:38 2001 (#3037)

How are you feeling now? after cutting ..you shouldn't feel guilty. Maybe you left your job for a reason...maybe there's one waiting for you in Seattle with Laura!!!. I really really want you to be around someone..that can help you. I hope you aren't feeling really awful...how has upping your meds to 50mgs helped? anything. I want to help in anyway please let me know DB. LOVE ALWAYS your free spirit partner.

Breaking my self-imposed silence for a moment
Posted by Darkrose on Thu Jan 18 05:19:34 2001 (#2899)

First of all (I know this is going to sound sappy) I want to offer everyone here a hug. Just the simple, restful feeling of being held by a barrier that keeps out worries. It especially goes out to Lither, and anyone leaving - laura rose, Linda, Baleigh.

That was the half-normal child. I don't know if she was baing naive or not. Sometimes letting her take over helps me find comfort in small things.

From an older viewpoint, I would like to express my admiration for the writers that have appeared while I was on vacation. You're all incredible, and I only do not list names for fear of omitting someone.

I hope you will forgive the fact that I put this all in one post. I haven't had energy recently to reply to everything that I should have. I was considering tendering my resignation to attempted communication, and it is still an option, but for the moment I remain.

I fear this is long and tedious enough, so I shall end before I mention any of other topics.

Thank you M'Lady Darkrose...
Posted by Lither on Thu Jan 18 05:34:05 2001 (#2900)

Thank you... that is very kind of you... I am simply not myself... usually I am calm and serene... I find I need a place to release my anger as no one understands my life or death for that matter... I a plagued by the cynical disease... I thought you might enjoy this so... it is my poetry... love poetry actually I write to thin air... it expresses my emotions... I have others if anyone is interested... thank you once more for your concern... Yours - Moridhinn

Without you I am lost... Distraught... Deep within the pitch red darkness lacking guiding light... Profoundly blind to all but your whisper... Senseless but to your soft touch... Heal my wounds as only you can... Close the sinister scars... Protect me from their invocations... Try to look into my eyes and I turn myself away... HATE... When I cry I call to you... When I die I ask why of you... When I fall I crawl to you... In the silence tears cast light... In the darkness blood shines bright... Provoking chaos... They wrong you so I want them dead... FALL... Cynically Inclined... To spill the blood and frolic in the puddles it creates... I want to kiss you and hold you until this eternity ends and the next flows onward... To tell you everything is safe... It is warm within your arms... In nevermore... Where death rules... The raven calls... Crosses burn... And the only sound is the beating of a heart... Or rather of two that have long since joined together... We are the inheritors... Of the grand persuasion... Illusion... Delusion... To be used and evidently abused... Love is an overpowering emotion... Moreso than sorrow and angst and hate and... Much sweeter than the taste of my own blood... I shan’t give it up for anything... unless that anything is you...

Re: Thank you M'Lady Darkrose...
Posted by Darkrose on Fri Jan 19 05:14:28 2001 (#2953)

Do not thank me so, kind sir, for I am naught but a poor peasant. Lacking understanding I have only that small comfort to offer. If you found it valuable, though, perhaps it is a much dearer treasure than I first thought.

There is much feeling in your poetry. I do know what it is to write love poems to thin air, in hopes that you might one day find the person it describes. Please continue to share your writings.

What else to say? I know there is much, but I cannot think of anything now.

Peace.

Re: Breaking my self-imposed silence for a moment
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 05:58:31 2001 (#2903)

I'm a sucker for sap, so please pour it on thick. I'm sure we all apreciate your statement, and being a good friend of Lither's, I'm sure he especially apreciates it. I'm sure that all of us would rather you remain as opposed to severing your ties with said message board. Adieu...

prayers, Colin

Re: Breaking my self-imposed silence for a moment
Posted by Darkrose on Fri Jan 19 05:19:41 2001 (#2954)

I'm not sure why, but your posting meant a great deal to me. Thank you.

I admire very much how you have been so supportive to everyone here. (And if that's poor English, I'm past caring, so long as my point is understood.)

I don't think I'll be leaving yet - and if I did resign from the world, I think this board would be the last link I sever.

Peace.

DB
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 18 05:42:05 2001 (#2901)

I tried to get to your site. I got on the link but what are you under people, girls and women? do understand what I mean?

Thanks Kate

Re: DB
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Jan 18 19:47:55 2001 (#2914)

Ya know what?!? I don't have a clue! I didn't even know you could be under those things. Try going on this link.... http://nav.to/butterfly120

It might be under poetry, not sure. Lemme know if it works or not.

Love, DB

Re: DB
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 18 21:09:16 2001 (#2916)

I found it. It's awesome! Thanks.

Random thoughts... ironic yet subtle
Posted by Lither on Thu Jan 18 06:18:41 2001 (#2905)

Does it all have to end this way with justice for none of us? Must we die cold and alone floating lifelessly in a pool of our own blood we seem to love so much... it as our only solace? Ah well... I thought some might enjoy what comes next... it is my poetry again...

Coming down and crashing in consequently burning smashing slashing subsequently... to coincide with verile self genocide... rend flesh and stare... don't care... anymore... just escape it... run... away again... to more pain and into soaking red rain puddles gleam bright in a dark night long lost sight of reason... high treason to ones own skin... LOST

Re: Random thoughts... ironic yet subtle
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 06:50:59 2001 (#2909)

Your poetry is alway captivating. We need not die alone though.

prayers, Colin

STRIDER...
Posted by Lither on Thu Jan 18 06:30:42 2001 (#2906)

Yes... I am aware of who your most worthy companion is... I have not ever seen a semblance of any friend other than you... I apologize if this is late and you are gone... it is worse I shall tell you tomorrow... perhaps we could talk a while I'll skip a class it is that bad I don't care anymore... breaking isn't fun... watching chaos loose in an already volitile system is horrid... thanks... yours - Moridhinn

Re: STRIDER...
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 06:46:06 2001 (#2908)

No need to apologize. I wont be there on apare because I realy need the sleep. My total over the past four days averages to about three and a half hours a night. Lunch is out (peer tutoring exam), but there's finite and after school, so no need to skip. See you then.

prayers, Colin

Alright then..
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 18 06:40:40 2001 (#2907)

Cheze2, I'll take you're advice and say what's on my mind. Time to pull out the old soapbox, take a step up and rant.

I am extremely scared. Of myself. Two years I had gone without cutting! That's a very long time for someone who had previously been cutting about ten times a day in his prime. There's a lot of personal issues too. Being a Christian, I know that Jesus doesn't want me to hurt myself, but I just have the urge to constantly slash my forearms. I hate it so much, but it brings such relief to see the blood flow, filling the cut and running down my arm in crimson ribbons. The blood is the biggest infatuation. The look, the way it flows, the feel of it, the temperature, the smell, the taste. Oh, the release. The bigggest problem is that if I have any firesh cuts come July, the army will not let me in. That means that I have to go six more months without cutting. After I'm in the army I won't have time to think about cutting. That's just it, the more free time I have, the more i think about how useless I feel and how pathetic I am.

It's strange, because I actualy took measures to improve myself. I started lifting weights. Four years later (being now) I'm in wicked shape. But you know what? It means nothing. In my mind I still see the same scrawny kid that was ridiculed and hated for so long by so many people. One of the worst parts is, looking back, I've had no child hood. All I have are memories of self hatred and isolation. I pray to Jesus every night that we can all stop for good, but the waiting is very painful.

Hey! Sorry if I got anyone down, but I really had to vent. Thanks to all who listened.

prayers, Colin

Re: Alright then..
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Jan 18 19:44:42 2001 (#2913)

Bring anyone down??? Not at all! It's very cleansing to get those feelings out in the open. I've done it lots of times here! Besides, it helps us get to know the parts of you that few people ever get to see. Rant on!!!

Love, DB

Re: Alright then..
Posted by cheze2 on Fri Jan 19 01:13:18 2001 (#2934)

:) hey colin, i'm not one to talk religion, seeing as i know pretty much nothing about it, but if jesus wants you to be happy then wouldn't he want you to do it any way possible? hold on i'm not done! but my dad is making me get off the computer now so i'll write more tomorrow

-me-

Re: Alright then..
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 23:13:51 2001 (#2976)

like collin said. RANT ON! what you said, you cant see be seen with any marks on your arm for the army. the army is kinda like my summer. I cant be seen with marks on my arm, and thats where i live, basically, i have never cut on my legs, and i can usually stop for the summer, but i dont htink this summer i will be able to , But please rant on, that is why we are here

YOU SHOULD READ THIS FOR MY SAKE
Posted by Fran on Thu Jan 18 20:56:41 2001 (#2915)

I've only just read about Laura Rose, Bae, and Linda leaving. I know this might sound selfish but On monday I'm about to go out into the big wide world after my 'mental breakdown'. This board has been my support net. I needed it's stability. I needed to know that Laura and NUni and Lost and DB and Marie and Melissa and Baeleigh were reading my posts (and Kate). They were there before I came over a month ago. I didn't care about advice I just needed to know that the same people would be there as well as the new ones. All but kate and DB have left the board. Laura talked about the board getting her down...but she didn't need to take the weight. Just knowing she was surviving another day was what It needed. I can't cope with the chopping and changing. Everyones leaving because they they think they can't help....well I'm not exactly fucking helping anyone....I haven't helped anyone. When I came to this board I saw a community that I didn't think would move on I thyought a few of us could meet, I thought a few of us could make a sort of Canada a reality. Why is it suddenly all over. This is always happening in my life.....parties and superficial friendships, and people who only care that you look right and those friends you thought would last forever but it was all part of your coke high. All the glitter fading. making new friends every single month...theyre always moving on never being able to get close to anyone. Always being alone never had a relationship with my parents. Completly on the edge of the cliff of madness. So often I nearly take my life. And I have to survive for myself because I am the only one here for myself. I have to be logical and I have to look after myself but I am so unstable. It's so fucking painful. Last year was the worst year of my life. I have no idea where I am going 'here I wonder this world aimlessly'. I want to swim ....but the weigh pulls me under and I am always so close to drowning that I FRIGHTEN myself. I don't know why but I thought I could rely on this group. Everyday I read everyones posts and think of them all and alll the shit they're going through and what can I possibly say...if there are words at all. I oved getting emails form you and I needed them...I didn't realise people actually cared. I thought they either wanted to sleep with you, or use you for there own purposes, or use you to aleviate there anger...or they wanted to witness your downfall. It makes me cry sometimes that I can't see that I'm thin, I've coughed up blood when vomiting and drank vinegar so I could throw up my food. I've cried because I've been so hungry but not able to let myself eat it. I look in the mirror and I hate myself so much and I've cried because I can't see the beauty that people tell me I am. I absolutely hate myself with a passion. I don't want to feel like this ..I want to love myself ...I want to believe them when ask me if I've modelled. But I can't. I know I'mwasting my youth but I really really hate all that I am. I'm in constant crisis. I ate supper tonight and now I feel so fat. I can't give it up I can't. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want from you. I muddled now. I thought I wanted them back ...but as I once heard someone say 'I want doesn't get'. I WANT OUT I WANT A FUCKING LIFE. Not this poor shitty version of one. I want to live and be happy and be free from this craziness. It's unbearable. I don't know if I'll come back.. who knows what tomorow brings. I might come back to see what you've said

Re: YOU SHOULD READ THIS FOR MY SAKE
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 18 21:11:33 2001 (#2917)

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I had a slight eating problem, but nothing you are going through. Maybe you should find an eating disorder group or doctor. Email me I am here for you.

Re: YOU SHOULD READ THIS FOR MY SAKE
Posted by Michael on Thu Jan 18 21:58:46 2001 (#2918)

Fran, i know i don't post here often 'cos i don't often know what to say... but you can email me whenever you like. Whenever. I've been coming here since about november i think, i've read almost every message, and i've found it hard to re-adjust when people leave. It's like losing a friend. It's a clichéd thing to say, but hold in there...can you remember good times? If you can then think that they might come around again. If you've experienced happiness, you can always do it again. If this board is your safety net, then keep coming here, you will soon find like-minded people, people who understand and care. Moving on is hard, changing is hard, we've got to live with it. Be safe Michael

Re: YOU SHOULD READ THIS FOR MY SAKE
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Jan 18 22:59:22 2001 (#2921)

Franny,

I'll still be here tomorrow and the next day and until whenever! I know it's rough when people tell you they're leaving. It's like having a friend move away and not leave a forwarding address. Everyone has their own reasons for going. Maybe they've outgrown whatever need this place filled for them, but they're still out there somewhere. You can always come here and talk about your problems with those of us that are left. We still care.I know how you feel when you say you don't know what to say when someone has a problem, but you know what? Just the knowledge that you took the time to reply is a huge deal to a hurting person. Every single reply, no matter how many or how few words it contains, means the world to me when I'm scared and hurting. Look at the number of posts you've made to reach out to so many different people. That's a lot of love! What was my point again?!? It's okay to feel grief and loss when someone you've grown to love decides to go away, but you won't be alone. It's okay to not have all the answers. In fact, if someone came up to me and said they had the answers to all of life's mysteries, I'd probably run screaming in the other direction! What I'm getting at, is that I, and everyone else here, will look for the answers along with you. If we find one, that's great, if not, we'll try again tomorrow. Get it? It's okay to not be okay and I love you so much for being able to say it.

Love, DB

Re: YOU SHOULD READ THIS FOR MY SAKE
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Jan 19 00:40:36 2001 (#2930)

Fran, There is a lot i want to say here, but number one, you've made it, you've reached that point where your ready, ready to give up everything that has made your life hell, your right on the verge of it, can't you taste it's sweet nectar knocking at your door? the time is near, and i know your headed in the right direction, all you need is a bit of encouragement, and you'll be all set, your strong fran, you will always be strong, but there is always people out there who are willing to hold you when you are feeling weak. and i am proud to say that i am one of them, i know how you feel, you feel as though your loosing all that you came here for. love, companionship, a listening ear, one not to judge, and most of all, solice, to know that you are not alone, that there are people who care. and look around you, look at all the people who have responded to your posts. be them old or new, they still hold a place in their heart for you, or else they wouldn't have botherd to open their heart and mind and put all of themselves into a little message. i really hope that your ok fran and please, stick with it, i know you can do it.

-me-

Re: YOU SHOULD READ THIS FOR MY SAKE
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 02:44:43 2001 (#2937)

Fran, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have kept coming back to this site. If it wasn't for you I think I would be cutting worse than ever before. If it wasn't for you I would have thrown my life completely away. You were the first person to respond to one of my postings. You saved my life. Think about it for a second. YOU SAVED MY LIFE. I love you. We all love you. I want you to be able to love yourself. Please try and hold on. None of us here are just superficial friends. I'll be praying for you.

Love, prayers, and everything, Colin

to clear it up
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 02:53:12 2001 (#2938)

To avoid all confusion, I was talking about my "just things" post. I was really hurting that night. I want to thank all who've responded to me, but Fran you're especialy dear to my heart. You're respone to me that night is the reason I'm here.

Love and prayers, Colin

Re: YOU SHOULD READ THIS FOR MY SAKE
Posted by Christine on Sat Jan 20 04:59:41 2001 (#2987)

Sometimes it takes courage to give into temptation.It takes courage to eat and it takes courage to not throw it up.When I was younger I suffered from anorexia.I was on deaths door and I really wanted to live it took 2 weeks but I finnaly overcame my fear.That was 3 years ago and to this very day I strugle to exept myself.But I do and I havent had a bad realaps.I confess sometimes I still purge but only once every couple months.The last time I was having a problem was whenever I was talking to LAura.

just one more time
Posted by Suzie on Thu Jan 18 22:39:23 2001 (#2919)

again i have cut, though looking at one i do, it seems childish compared to others. But i feel alone, though i know im not, but i just feel so lonley, having to wear a mask to my school so others wont suspect. i dont really know what i am saying here, i guesse its just because im lonley that i cut. And i cant stop. i dont think i ever will be able to.

IM name phish visor

Re: just one more time
Posted by mino shins on Thu Jan 18 23:58:41 2001 (#2923)

I feel that way about my cuts every time i do it, they are childish, of not good enough. I just cut about an hour ago and i am so pissed off, i think thayarent good enough.good enough for what? i dont know.

I used to feel lonely, now i just feel condemed in to every thing in my life. me and my friend are planing to run away. it drives me insain to be controle by some one who doesnt even scrape the first layer of who i am.I probably am going to the fucking hospital tomorrow. but what ever as long as i get out of here.

Re: just one more time
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 03:05:14 2001 (#2940)

I know that you feel lonely, even when you're surrounded by people that care (I mean us here on PSYKE). All I can say is that we all care for you and wish the best for you. Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

prayers, Colin

Re: just one more time
Posted by A friend on Fri Jan 19 03:52:31 2001 (#2946)

Hey This is Me Christian i love and care about you so dont feel alone even thought i am not up there with you i still care about you. i dont kow what n e of yall go through. LOve and prayers to you all

Re: just one more time
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 03:57:25 2001 (#2947)

christian (or trit)

thank you.

in more ways that you can possible know, in the past year you have brightend my life in more ways than you will ever know,

thank you so much

Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by Lither on Fri Jan 19 00:04:46 2001 (#2924)

Long since fallen down... alluring beauty quite so bright as moonlight... frolicking in shadowy forests and amongst natures dreams... and believe me when I say... I could kiss you where you stand... watch me drive the sword to the hilt in my own chest in your name... When I call I scream for you... torture bends my will but you never leave my mind... As I fade and face dissolution and stand and slash to hell... I think of you and it is that thought that keeps me sane... You could drink my blood as wine and I would simply smile... you could strike me down and I’d stand once more... love gleaming softly in my eyes... When you cry I understand... When you bleed I know why... and wish to wash it all away... When you feel pain I am angered at the ones who caused it... When you fall I will be there to help you stand... When you fight I will do so to my own death by your side... When you fear I will hold you and whisper softly in the darkness... When you wish to die... I will follow ...I love you... This is not about a person rather what I do to myself and feel inside my mind...

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by butterfly on Fri Jan 19 00:27:46 2001 (#2928)

i liked it :) your poetry is really good. i hope to read lots more of it in the future.

love butterfly.

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by Lither on Fri Jan 19 00:31:01 2001 (#2929)

Thank you... and you may if you so desire... That means alot to me...

Yours - Moridhinn

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by cheze2 on Fri Jan 19 00:43:30 2001 (#2931)

Lither, aka Moridhinn you really have a knack for writing, and i feel privilaged to be one to read it. send me an e-mail sometime, when you are down or just wanna chat, or if u like, we can exchange poetry, (i also write)

-me- (amanda)

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 03:09:24 2001 (#2941)

Undersanding abounds, you truly are a friend Lither, and proudly call you one.

prayers, Colin

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by Darkrose on Fri Jan 19 05:44:08 2001 (#2958)

I'm not sure whether I wish I'd written it, or I wish it had been written for me. Either way, I do like it. (Those are compliments, albeit strange ones now that I think of it.)

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Jan 19 22:43:21 2001 (#2971)

*wipes away a teardrop*

Do you realize that what you wrote is the one thing I've wanted to hear all my life? That's all I want for as long as my life lasts, is for someone to talk to me that way. It's so much more than beautiful. It's one of those things that has no word worthy of it's description. But in my humble attempt, you have brightened my day more than you will ever be able to know just by the words you have strung together so heartbreakingly honest. If you have other poems, and I suspect that you do, please let us read them. Just give me time to pick my jaw up off the floor!!

Love, DB *who is feeling a bit more understood right now*

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 23:00:32 2001 (#2974)

i like to this of myself as a writter, being that to be a writer, you have to love writing. And many times i get my inspiration from others, they inspirir me to write, and to say things, and you are extremly inspiring. You dont know what i would give to be able to have the talent that you do, it is just plainly amazing. and i applod you for being able to share that with us all

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by Christine on Sat Jan 20 05:08:17 2001 (#2988)

Bravo! I loved it.It was amazing.I love your writings there so breath taking.All my life I have wanted a poem like that to be writen for me but I think just reading yours is good enough.

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by heavenleigh on Sat Jan 20 12:02:50 2001 (#2998)

Reading this made me feel so calm and peaceful, I really needed that right now, thanks.

Re: Perhaps someone would like this...
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 21 22:53:03 2001 (#3035)

My tears start to well but I've taught myself not to cry but something happened inside when I read your words and I don't what else I might say. I write but when I read you and the boards work I feel you so much above me...at the same time I know writing is part of me..it all comes out in poetry those words that are never spoken..........

its beautiful
Posted by mino shins on Fri Jan 19 00:14:43 2001 (#2925)

i used to cut like an addiction, i couldnt stop, and i regreted it, but i descovered a new frame of mind. when i cut i dont see it as a self harm, self mudilation,self distruction. I see it as a self improvement, inhancement, its beautifull, the cuts and burns are beautiful. 99% of this worlld self distructs in some way or another and cuttin is the most healthyest way of doing it, if you self injur. its human nature to put our selves down and harm our selves mentaly and this is just hirting layers of skin which will heal. the damage that seciety and the government is pretty much un heal able. but my computre is diein so what i am saying is that our mental being is far far far more intence and powerfull that sometimes my physical self realy doesnt matter to me.

ps; this is only my oppinion

Re: its beautiful
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 03:15:38 2001 (#2942)

I feel what you're saying. In fact I feel the same way when I cut. Each scar is like a patch of perfection on my imperfect, hideous body. I completely understand, but it would be great to stop SI completely.

prayers, Colin

Re: its beautiful
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 22:38:35 2001 (#2970)

you are 100% correct

POEM- DIE TO BE FREE
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 19 00:23:32 2001 (#2926)

someone is fucking with my head.I'm running scared.So frightened of this spiral of neurosis. Fight the feeling of your subconscious war of defence lines and landmines and bayonets. subordinating to this madness in my head. blocking the chemicals in my brain. and I'm afraid of all thats said..all that turns ashen and red. and I'm running away from my own head. I want to believe in this lasting hope. I'm trying, I'm trying. I'm letting heavy lids cover my eyes. Visualising...I screw my head.wrinkles on my forehead like mountain gourges. I'm trying, I'm trying to see only there is nowhere to look. All I can see is the battle and the troops. Troops....they are falling one by one as they advance over the northern battle lines. The blood they spill as the wounds they sustain. I want to bleed...they died for me you see. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori. They died for you they died for me. they died so that I could be free. but now my own prison surrounds me. barricaded in my own trench warfare. All alone in my head. waiting for my final day. my final say. On the front line waiting for officers orders. Can you hear the screams. can you hear their terror. All they left behind...that once seemed uncertain has forever passed them by. They can shed their tears.....I feel the trembling of fear..this trench is shaking to it's foundations from this incarcination. I wanted to believe...to be free is to survive. skies grey and I musn't musn't musn't...turn to look. I think I must leave it all behind. So I can die for you. so I can die for me. SO I CAN DIE TO BE FREE

Re: POEM- DIE TO BE FREE
Posted by Lither on Fri Jan 19 00:27:06 2001 (#2927)

That is, in my opinion very well written... if you don't mind my asking what emotions did you put into that? it is very powerful...

I am sorry... that is useless... please forgive me... - Moridhinn

Re: emotions
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 22:24:24 2001 (#3071)

emotions of craziness and fear. I was frightened because my head was spinning. When writing the last lines I felt calmer. I feel like there is a war in my head. My head hurting. Emtions of madness in my head. 'Dulce et decorum.......etc is latin for it is sweet and fitting to die for ones country. I was thinking about the battle of the Somme (1916 I think) and the parallel between the awfulness of it and my head. I felt quite powerless, powerless to my craziness, and also powerless to change the past..the change the awfulness of all those young soilders sent over to be slaughtered...I could not save them from their fate jst as I will not be able to save myself from my fate

Re: POEM- DIE TO BE FREE
Posted by butterfly on Fri Jan 19 00:45:51 2001 (#2932)

Fran you write such brilliant poetry too, a lot of people on this board do. it's a shame i can't, i'm not very good with words.

butterfly.

Re: POEM- DIE TO BE FREE
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 02:58:21 2001 (#2939)

I just responded to your post up above. Please hang in there. Please. I'm already crying, so please stay alive. Remember we love you.

Love and prayers, Colin

Lither
Posted by cheze2 on Fri Jan 19 00:52:27 2001 (#2933)

Hey, i'm worried about you, and yes i honestly am, this isn't just a yeah i'm on the board so i have to do this thing, this is a hey what's up with ya? what's goin down G? home slice, home Frie homelette :) no but seriously, i'm worried about you, you write marvelously, but i also think that there is something deeper, something eating away at you that you can't let out. please, share with me. i'm here for you anytime you need me

aim Cheze2

-me-

once more before the red cascade...
Posted by Lither on Fri Jan 19 01:26:46 2001 (#2935)

The evidence is incriminating upon me... I love it so... it is my salvation..

I do not mean to whine... any further at least but I've to scar a little more... I'll leave this... followed by my famous quotation...

Darkened nightmares scream incessant vileness... shining faintly torturing the saintly and all love does die... falling bright to the horrid rise and the quite contrite demise... worthless rhyme and insigneous chime of malicious laughter follow crime... Never losing fatal sight That the battles lost but not the fight and off quite right into the night... Gone...

"MY RAZOR BLADE AWAITS"...

Sincerely - Moridhinn

Re: once more before the red cascade...
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 03:22:45 2001 (#2943)

Please let us all know how you are feeling. Not just in poem, but in plain words. Feel not like you must phrase thing ina certain way. I would love to hear you just rant. No structure, no paraphrasing, just vent.

prayers, Colin

Lither
Posted by heavenleigh on Sat Jan 20 12:12:52 2001 (#2999)

I know i don't know you as well as Strider, but I have to agree with what he's saying. Its tough to put what you're feeling into plain words, and I think sometimes it's only through poetry that true emotion can be expressed. Your poetry is incredibly powerful, but I wish you could tell us what you are feeling behind the words, even though plain expression will always be inadequate. E-mail me any time, Sarah

SIGH
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Jan 19 01:40:35 2001 (#2936)

LoL... yup... I knew it. Once again I am made out to be the bad guy. Everything is blamed on me... IT'S ALL MY FAULT EVERYONE IS FUCKED. From now on I'm just keeping my thoughts and problems to myself... no one else needs or wants to hear them. It's been awhile since I've thought of suicide... but all of the sudden the idea seems quite appealing. Then perhaps everyone would be sorry. And then it's be my turn to laugh...

Goodbye once again and forever...

Baleigh

Re: SIGH
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 03:29:00 2001 (#2944)

Don't you dare do this. Do you know how much we all love you? Please stay. You do not screw us up. I want to hear. I care. E-mail me if you read this. If you don't, I'll e-mail you.'

Love and prayers, Colin

Re: SIGH
Posted by SImon on Fri Jan 19 04:04:17 2001 (#2949)

OK, not being sarky but how exactly are you going to laugh if you are dead? no, seriously, think about that!

Re: SIGH
Posted by Darkrose on Fri Jan 19 05:52:12 2001 (#2959)

Hon, I do hope you read this. Nothing here is your fault. I think people (including myself) were just reacting to the shock of having so many leaving at once. It was no crime of yours. If you feel you have to leave, do it, and luck upon your way. But if you feel you want to come back, I am sure you would be welcomed - no one is critisized for sharing their problems, because they are understood here.

Peace.

Re: SIGH
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 22:33:26 2001 (#2969)

you are wrong about no one wanting to hear what you have to say. completly wrong. Everyone here at this site wants to read what you say, and replys to what you say, That is why we are here, to help, and to get helped. Maby you just need to find the right person to help you. right now, this website is my savior, being there is no one in near scotia that will/can help me. But dont complete sucide. please dont.By leaving the world you arnt letting them know who fucked up they are. you arent helping them know that they are just complet dick heads, and that they are wrong. You have to be strong, and you have to prove your self better. dont take away your life just to have the last laugh. dont waste a beatuifle thing on them. prove to them that you are better, that you cant be defeated. and that day that you supass them, that is when you can have the last laugh. thats the day you can walk up to them, and just say "fuck you"

I AM ME DAMNIT! ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 04:07:48 2001 (#2950)

I am me. I am, well feel alone. I wear a mask to protect me from the world, and that is me. I love to dance and music is my obbsession. The world is my domain and i will master it. that is me, respect me for it. You, who is reading this, are you, and you respect me and i respect you. But why cant others respect us. Why are we viewed as a problem, and sick people, are "weird" or "insane" people. We are not. We are just like everyone else. So why is everyone else determined to make us seem terrible, when they are being terrible for making this so much harder on us all. Just think how much easier this would be, if we didnt have to worry about what the world is thinking about "us", we are all designated as one person, being we all have simalair problems. But why stick us all in a group, when we shouldnt be. I know im not making any sence here, and im probably just making sence in my mind. But the world is wourped. And talking in fragmented sentences is the way to let it out for me. I figure its better than cutting... right?

Re: I AM ME DAMNIT! ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 04:18:34 2001 (#2952)

This is much better than cutting. Read my most recent posting for my feelings on you and everyone else. You are completely right. People see us with scars and fresh wounds and don't want to think about it. They just push us away, keep us out of sight and out of mind. We're like disease to them. Something to be destroyed, to preform genocide on. The world is warped beyond belief. Warped to the point it wraps over and through itself a billion times over, yet it calls us the freaks, the twisted ones. Don't they see this just makes us worse!? I'm glad you decided to post. Please write all the scentence fragments you need to.

prayers, Colin

Re: I AM ME DAMNIT! ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!
Posted by Kate on Fri Jan 19 23:27:27 2001 (#2978)

I am obsessed with music too. What kind of music do you like?

Re: I AM ME DAMNIT! ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 00:04:36 2001 (#2981)

oh gosh, everything. i love everything there is to like about music. Ska, Punk, Pop, rock, r&b, techno, blues, jazz, classical. everything there is i love. I think that music is the only thing keeping me alive. One time my parents took away my stero, and i wanted to die, i spent the whole time in my room, just crying. and its stupid, crying b.c i got a stero taken away, but music is my life, and when im doind music, i dont cut, so thats why i have recently taken up 2 new instruments, and more to come, what about you, what do you like, any instruments?

Re: I AM ME DAMNIT! ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 22 03:25:44 2001 (#3048)

Same with me. I want to sing. I am taking voice lessons. I feel in my heart that is what I want to do. I try to learn Sara Mclachglan and Alanis Morrisette songs because they are my favorites.

Re: I AM ME DAMNIT! ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!
Posted by suzie on Mon Jan 22 21:35:29 2001 (#3067)

yeah, i like their music too, now im getting into phish and stuff like that, its great!

I LOVE YOU ALL
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 04:10:02 2001 (#2951)

This goes out to every one. I love you all. You people have been so imortant to me over this last little while that I've come to care for you all more than most people I've known for years, and more than most people I've met. Don't any of you ever think for a second that you being here is useless. I honestly, truly, completely care for all of you. Don't go for the wrong reasons. I read about your reasons for leaving and cry. I wish I could be at all your sides, but the best I can do is this board or e-mails. I wish I could do more. I pray to Jesus for you all every night. If any of you do choose not to come back, try and e-mail me at least. I might not respond the same day but I will do whatever I can to reply. So if any of you do go, please know that I love and care for all of you. I also pray that all of you come to know Jesus. I just can't express how much I care about you all. I'm crying as I write this. Me, a 19 year old tough guy sitting here with tears streaming down his face. No wonder I can't get a girlfriend, I'm such a wuss. I don't care about that though. All I care about is all of your well being. I love you all. That's all I have to say.

Love and prayers, Colin

Re: I LOVE YOU ALL
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 22:06:07 2001 (#2965)

you are here and praying to all of us, when we should be thanking you! I have only read one letter thanking you. well heres another one. We all owe a big thank you to you. thank you stider, thank you

Re: I LOVE YOU ALL
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Jan 19 22:55:01 2001 (#2973)

You are loved too, Colin. And by the way, crying doesn't make you a wuss. I think that a person who cries for someone he has never met in person, one of the strongest actions capable of human beings. It's such a compassionate act, whether you realize it or not. Do you even know how many girls wish they could find a guy who is willing to even TALK about how he feels, much less cry? Trust me, you're rare in this world and there should be more people like you. Thanks again for dragging me out of Hell that time. I'll do the same for you, though I hope you never find yourself there.

Love, DB

disturbing dreams
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 19 12:09:42 2001 (#2961)

I'm having extremely disturbing dreams at the moment. He was attacking me, I was locked in the room, he punched and kicked me, my nose was bleeding and there was bruising everywhere...he had I knife...I stabbed him but missed....I couldn't escape and I deserved it. I was raped a number of times and it hurt so much...it was very traumatic for me. He didn't care.....I pleaded and pleaded. I was crying on the door step......I was frightened I was shaking

Re: disturbing dreams
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 16:28:06 2001 (#2962)

Dreams are one of the most frightening things there are. There's no way to escape them, because you eventualy have to sleep. It's hard to master your dreams. Try and get some sleep.

prayers, Colin

Re: disturbing dreams
Posted by Kate on Fri Jan 19 23:22:52 2001 (#2977)

Honey, are you okay. Email me.

Re: disturbing dreams
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 23:06:17 2001 (#3009)

dreams exspress inner emotions, unsaid thoughts and feelings, i suggest going to one of those dream websites that tell you what your dream means

Re: disturbing dreams
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 21 13:46:18 2001 (#3022)

thankyou Suzy I think I'll do that

Sitting here
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 19 17:57:52 2001 (#2963)

So I'm sitting here in school on my lunch break with rags tied around my arms underneath my shirt in order to stop the bleeding. Last night was rough. The knife was gone and it was razor time. Forearm cuts are special to me. They split open so wide when you tense the muscle hard. Worst time to do it too, as a friend of mine is coming over tonight and he knows I'm trying to stop so he's not going to like that. Oh well. I still can't get one to stop bleeding without a bandage on it. There was a lot of blood. The salt in the wound helped to close it later, but one is still going. I've got to stop, but the addiction is back. With my friend over this weekend I wont be able to cut so that's good, but after that there might be a back lash. I hope not. Thanks for listening.

prayers, Colin

Re: Sitting here
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 22:24:37 2001 (#2968)

i understand how that feels. One night i cut so bad it was almost 30 seconds till i saw the blood pour from the cuts. i know how it feels, and i too cut on my forarm, my wrist is too visible for me, and like you say they get bigger when you flex, for me they remind me of what i have done for the next day, every time i move my arm, or pick something up i can feel the cuts, and thats why i cut there. But there wont be a backlash if you want to be strong. You can do it, and even if you need to cut, dont cut so deep, and everyday it will be less, and less.

im name phish visor

sad
Posted by Kate on Fri Jan 19 19:53:22 2001 (#2964)

I feel sad today. I woke up with a feeling of hopelessness and darkness. i feel like i just want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to start my career and I am sick of relationships and guys. I just want to curl up and stay in bed for the rest of my life.

Re: sad
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 22:15:30 2001 (#2967)

i have that feeling everymorning. As i lay in my bed, i dread the clock, and i sit there and think about how i just want to say in that warm enviorment, the security and formilarness of it all. But than i get thinking to myself. Why am i going to let the whole world take over me. Why am i going to let them rule my domain. And i get up. Because im not going to let the world take over my life. I am going to life each day as i want to. And thats what i do.

Re: sad
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 20 04:38:31 2001 (#2985)

Well, I hope that you're not sick of me. That feeling of a nice warm bed that just feels so comforting. I cold stay in there fom now to eternity...but then I realize I have to get my butt outa bed and go to school (work soon, hopefuly). Starting something like a career would be terrifying for me. You've got alot of courage to do that. What is your career by the way? I would like to know. Keep fighting to get out of that bed.

prayers, Colin

Re: sad
Posted by Kate on Sat Jan 20 08:48:35 2001 (#2997)

Thanks. It is teaching. God knows if I will be good.

This Day Today
Posted by Suzie on Fri Jan 19 22:52:46 2001 (#2972)

there is only today to live my life. one day to set out into the world. I cant relive the past, cant predict the future. I have to live my life as if there is no tomarrow, though sometimes we want the past, and always we look towards the future. though everyones past it where it belongs, the past, and every ones future is in its designated place. Each person has a special place. physcial or mental, where they live daily reminders of their past. Mine is both physcial and ments. Every day, i see my physcial. the daily reminders of what happens when one paints their wrist and arms red and black. My mental is the urdge everyday to get out my sharp paint set and begin once again to create that beatufil art, Every day i want to, Every day i do. I live a life of remorse, every day, after my session of art making. This is my life. Every day, every night, even in my dreams i live this. Every day i think to my self, what would happen if i was alone, more alone than i am now, would i stop my future, and finish my past? How many diffrent ways i have thought of trying? unknown to me. Though others see this as frightining, i see it has my life.

Re: This Day Today
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 20 04:57:03 2001 (#2986)

Words that strike as deep as the blade that plunges into my flesh. The urges, the constant unremoveable reminders, the dreams, the shame felt afterwards.I feel as though you've read my mind and put the contents to writen form. Keep writng and leting us read your thoughts and feelings.

prayers, Colin

Re: This Day Today
Posted by fran on Sun Jan 21 20:07:24 2001 (#3028)

Dear suzy. I've just printed out your poem because I love it so much, they I the words you wanted to say and someone writes them for you. It's upseting and wonderful at the same time. Upsetting because you wish no one had to feel the pain you do. Beauty comes from pain. Email me....give me the courage to carry on writing...since I came to this board I felt my writing was little in comparison to the amazing talent of everyone else. I'm sort of losing faith because I know how wonderful you and the others are..

Thank you...
Posted by Lither on Fri Jan 19 23:32:22 2001 (#2979)

This I write to everyone who has posted with regards to my writing... I have never had such compliments... especially Miss DeliriousButterfly... I especially thank you...

In the time I wish to die I know the only thing to bring me back is the taste of your blood as you press your lips to mine. To slay the hollow pain and drive back the emptiness that haunts many days and many more nights. To soothe the beast that rages within me and break the chaos down. Only you could stand the storm and still stand in the end. I wish to drink of your sweet blood and even sweeter wine. Cause such pleasure touch such flesh rend unto the mind. I long to run my hands down your cheeks and over your perfect chest and down unto the pink peach where shadows find their way... I’d wish to kiss your forehead and tell you it’s all right... and snap my rage down upon you as hell comes to surmise... Drain... torturous pain... can never move to end disdain... converse... surrender to all perverse and still in the night... The white wine should flow into this world desecration seems quite right description and now my pain should rest... it is subtly perverse I apologize...

Thank you once again

- Moridhinn

Re: Thank you...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Jan 20 02:18:50 2001 (#2984)

Moridhinn <----that's a beautiful name you have. It sounds Celtic. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows? What does it mean?

Another great poem, by the way.

Love, DB

Re: Thank you...
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 20 05:14:15 2001 (#2989)

You're writing has apealed to me since I first read it in that amazing black book of yours. You should keep writing no matter what happens.

prayers, Colin

Re: Thank you...
Posted by Christine on Sat Jan 20 05:28:46 2001 (#2991)

Brilliant!bravo! I would so love to read more keep posting.I find your poetry enlightning.I love it !

Re: Thank you...
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 23:02:21 2001 (#3008)

please do not apoligese to me. There is no need to, what you wrote is your feelings, and i wish i could write like. You are an amazing writer and please do me a favor, next time you have a pome, post it so i can read it cuz i really like your pomes

i should leave too....
Posted by cheze2 on Fri Jan 19 23:50:16 2001 (#2980)

i don't know, i've been here all day, and while reading through these posts i realized how little i can actually do for you all. how little i can do for myself. i get so involved with everyones life, i become so entranced. and i walk through the day, reliving all of your poems and hurt, i can't escape it, i feel what your feeling, through your words, i can feel it, all of you, i want to be there for you, but i can't, i don't know what to say to make it better, except that i feel it, i feel your pain, and i want you to be better, it's like i can take peoples pain and make it my own, like yesterday, i was with my friend who also SI's and she was having a really bad day, i was just sitting there holding her, the feeling was so strong, i could feel it surging up my arms and into my chest, i was shaking after, i saw her in the hall later, she was fine...it's like i took her pain from her...i don't know but yeah...well...i don't know where this was going but...oh well...i just feel like i can't help anyone, and that i shouldn't be here. i can't go on...i just wanna end it all all the hurt, all the pain, just as jesus did on the cross for our sins, except i wanna die for our pain...i found one of those things that priests hold in their hands, and, well me not being a faithfull christian or anything...more like wiccan, dealing with the lord lady and spirit, but it just touched me, i touched it, and there was something there...something holding all the hurt of the world..and it's there, i wanna save you all..just as jesus did on the cross

-me-

Re: i should leave too....
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 20 05:26:31 2001 (#2990)

You don't have to take that all on yourself. That's actualy what Jesus did for us. You being here and answering us and letting us know how you are is all we ask you to do. I realize that you want to help us like Jesus did, but that much help is His field. We as humans just can't do it to that extent. It took God dying on a cross to do that. I wish I could do that for all of you, but alll we can do is be there for eachother. That feeling you had with your friend, that happens to me too when I try to help someone feel better, and that's what we should do for eachother. That's what you do for us. That's what you do for me. Please don't leave because you feel you can't do enough. Caring is enough.

prayers, Colin

Re: i should leave too....
Posted by Will on Sat Jan 20 05:38:53 2001 (#2992)

hey now, thats not your job, leave that for someone else, i know you want to help everyone but you cant do that by taking everyones pain from them, it will eventually come back, it has to heal not just dissapear.

Re: i should leave too....
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 20:31:49 2001 (#3004)

dont you relize what you're saying. Every word that you say helps one of us. no matter if its a reply to a post, or its one of you own post, it all helps us. And it helps you too. And helping you is most imporant, befor you attempt to help others, you should help you, and thats what you have been doing. Have you ever relized that after you spill you're soul to the computer screen, typing in your problems, and worrys that you feel better after words, That all that typing has actually lifted that feeling away, or if not all, a small little part, that was there befor isnt there now. Talking will help , and what you did for your friend was just amazing. You can do that for a friend, you definetly can help us all, in you're own special way. now please, grace us with you're words once again

THANK YOU ALL
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 00:26:05 2001 (#2982)

i just wanted to thank you guys, seeing that lither and cheze2 is too. I have laughed and cried while reading all these messages, and i honestly want to say, thank you so very very much. you dont understand how much that means to mean, just to be here and to have people just like me reading and replying to problems that i have and others. DONKA

im gonna explode, i know i am, i can just feel it
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 01:34:11 2001 (#2983)

gosh, i am going to explode. i cant stand my parents. it seems as if all we ever do is fight, all i ever get is punishment, i cant stand it, it drives me INSANE with madness. I feel enclosed in this bubble and its like i cant escape, like im drowning in all the yelling. I feel, when my parents walk into a room and complain about what i have done, i feel like a faliur. And when they come up to me and tell me how much i do wrong, and how bad i am, and i just cant handle it. I mean COME ON!! i am still getting punished for , .. i donno, a chair i broke like 5 years ago. hello, move on , all they ever do is complain to me about how wrong i am , and how everything i ever do is wrong, i mean, im sitting their painting my oboe case and im painting it wrong!!k i mean its an oboe case, some plastic, thats all, probably cost about 10 bucks to replace, and OHMYGOSH!! everything suzie ever dose is wrong.. yes... this insanity just surrounds me. Constant punishment and harassment. Its like, "hello, my name is suzie and i am my parents scape goat" thats what i am to them, im not their child, im not a human, im just an object made to yell at and put down and take out all their anger. My mom only works like, 2 hours a day ( shes a secratary) and im at school like 13 hours a day, and i get home and its like dont talk to me, i work to much, i do this i do that. She dosent even realize what she is doing to me. I dont even feel comfterbul in my own home, whats up with that... arrrggg, well i donnoo what to type, my fingers are moving to fast for my words so ill just stop now

Re: im gonna explode, i know i am, i can just feel
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 20 05:39:20 2001 (#2993)

Whoah, calm down fo a minute and slow down the typing to a speed that you can get you're feelings down. Not being comfortable in you're own home is the worst. The one place that should be a refuge is actually a torture den! Argh! That was a personal pain of mine for a while as well. At least you can vivit us. I'll do what I can to help out here.

prayers, Colin

Re: im gonna explode, i know i am, i can just feel
Posted by Christine on Sat Jan 20 05:40:38 2001 (#2994)

I really understand what your saying all my mom does is yell at me and say shit like how fat I am and point out everything I do wrong.I do thatto myself I dont need u doing it to.Acctually befor my mom was trying to read this and I was like get away mom.She started yelling and compleatly fliped a dick All cuz I wanted some privacy.I want space and I want her to get the fuck away froem me.I can twait shes going to Vegas w/ her friend so the only person around w/ be my dad and he lets me do what I please so I dont have to put up w/ much.I love my dad and of all the people in my familybesides my grandparents hes the onyl one I get along w/ .Well I have a 4 day week end I got susspended for 2 days cuz I jacked some kid in the face.He was antaginizing but I dont feel like telling the long ass story for the 100th time to put it like this he kicked my shoe almost making me fall and I grabed him by his shirt and hit him.Hes been saying stuff to me all year but its ok he got susspended for a day.I have to go I have to go to work early tomarrow.

Re: im gonna explode, i know i am, i can just feel
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 19:34:23 2001 (#3000)

yeah i know how you feel, again. My mom wanted to know what site i was at (when i was at this site) and im like, a website, go away, and she gave me this look like im doind somthing wrong or whatever, and sdhe walked in and out about 500 times. gosh today was hell too. I had just got home from my church, we had this lockin thingy and at like 3 in the morning i was talking to my minister about my cutting,, and it was about a 2 hour coversation, and i dont talk about my problem with anyone, except you guys, and that was a major first for me and when i came home my sister fliped on me. When ever she gets mad at me she says she going to kill me, slit my throat when i sleep. And i mean that is really really hard for me, i mean i know she had ADD, but still that shouldnt mean anything. Shes 22 she shouldnt walk up to me and say stuff like that, well anyways, i came on and went to my room to just rest and she comes in and starts kicking and screaming and going physco and it was really hard, I dont know how to put that into words, im making it seem like, its nothign, when it wasnt, it was wicked harsh. And its really hard to have my sister be really really nice to me than to just go physco on me, she dose it all the time, and i dont want to come home and be told that i am going to be murdered by my own sister, and the worst part is that when this happenes, i get blamed for it, it is SOOOOOO covusing, and i cant handle it, i donno, thanks for reading and lisytinging

Re: im gonna explode, i know i am, i can just feel
Posted by Christine on Tue Jan 23 16:24:49 2001 (#3096)

I know what u mean when u say you make it seem like nothing.I have a adhd brother but he doesn't do those things hes also 12.I love him but I cant handel him.I always have my mom fliping out on me.I wish I could make ur parents nicer or something.I think your the normal one and your sister should get some help.Actually come live w/ me.I'll be your sister exept I'll be nice.

Re: im gonna explode, i know i am, i can just feel
Posted by Suzie on Tue Jan 23 22:51:16 2001 (#3102)

i wish i could, i honestly wish i could

Re: im gonna explode, i know i am, i can just feel
Posted by Nicke on Sat Jan 27 17:56:21 2001 (#3215)

I also have a brother that suffers from A.D.H.D but he raped my little sister so he doesn't live with us anymore. Now I have moved out as well. It's really hard for me too having been subjected to sexual abuse when I was younger. I don't know if I can love my brother any more. At the times when he needs me most I don't know if I can be there for him. And that hurts more.

Nicke

I suppose I should "vent"
Posted by Lither on Sat Jan 20 05:40:59 2001 (#2995)

Anger rages through my system and ravages my mind... I cannot see anymore forgetting truth...

I slash and bleed and hate and hate most of all... I burn and wish to kill to taste blood of my enemies on my lips... I take 13 tylenol to sleep... demerol in a pill form... as I cannot dream otherwise... I hate myself and my hitlist has grown too long for my liking... I HATE LIFE AND EVERYTHING IN IT... I CAN FEEL THE BLADE ON MY WRIST AND THE BULLET IN MY HEAD... no I am not insane and no I shan't conform... I fucking hate my parents and my life... my soul is gone and no one cares anymore! Believe my when I say... I will die...

!!FUCK THIS WORLD!! I apologize...

~ Moridhinn~... the name means forever dead within

Re: I suppose I should "vent"
Posted by Strider on Sat Jan 20 06:08:25 2001 (#2996)

Apologize no more, you are among friends. We care, trust me on this. Would any one respond to you if they didn't care? Exactly. I can believe you about the parents. They seem to respond to your acts in the exact wrong way. They couldn't do it better if it was planned. You will die, it's true, but right now you won't. Not in the near future either (barring any sort of meteor mishap). Keep us up to date..

prayers, Colin

Re: I suppose I should "vent"
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 20:26:12 2001 (#3003)

vent all you want, say anything you want. thats why were here!!! lol, by you venting, you're not only helping your self, you are also helping others. which in its self is a very noble deed. So worry not young fellow (i know that sounds stupid, but i love saying it) all will be better in time!

No, I think I was right the first time
Posted by Darkrose on Sat Jan 20 20:09:51 2001 (#3001)

I don't belong here. I'm completely unable to communicate with others. In attempting it I am only reminded of what a jerk I really am. My nature is inarticulate, and I am thus completely useless.

I do care about you all, as much as I can care, more than I care about myself. Please don't give up living in each day, as I have almost done.

I'm not going to kill myself, so please don't worry about me.

Take care of each other.

I'm sorry.

Re: No, I think I was right the first time
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 20:22:56 2001 (#3002)

How are you unable to communicate with others? You're shigning loud and clear right now. No one belongs here, we're all here because we all have problems that we want to resolve. Thats why we are are here. Thats why you are here. With every word you say, no matter if you think its comferting or not, helps another. Whether by saying that its ok, or relating to it. Everything that you say helps us all. And dont say you're a jerk, b/c you're not. and you never have been. If you still decide on leave, god bless you, and good luck.

Re: No, I think I was right the first time
Posted by butterfly on Sat Jan 20 22:35:59 2001 (#3006)

I have major problems with communication too, i'm a complete antisocial. I don't post very often here because i don't know what to say, but i always read every post.

You don't have to leave the board completely just because you feel you can't communicate with the people here. You don't have to reply to every post that's here. Just occasionally post if you need to vent, or to let us know you're ok.

and you don't have to say sorry.

Re: No, I think I was right the first time
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 21 02:53:25 2001 (#3014)

In articulate? Such absurdity is to be scoffed at! Of the people I know, there is one of which (Lither) who is articulate as your self. The flow and structure of your words exudes true skill and mastery. Do not leave, not only for my sake, but yours as well. I worry about you.

prayers, Colin

hey, i have a really nifty idea, READ AND REPLY :)
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 20:45:26 2001 (#3005)

heres my idea. I got it from strider. We all post here all the time, and we talk about our most deep and sacred things. And we know all about each others problems, but we dont know each other. So im thinking that we all should just actually take a break from writing about hate and stuff like that, and write all about what we love, k? huh? i like it so here we go

My name is Suzie and im from New York. im 15 (woo hoo, im a youngin) and i go to shs i will go to collage at julliard in NYC and i will be a music teacher. I LOVE MUSIC more than anything in the whole world. I also love urban dancing, its my passion. I love the arts will this overwelhming feeling, and i dont thin ka day goes by that i dont either sign, dance, draw, listen tp music, play music or read/write. I love writing, thought i suck at it and thats a little look into my life

my email is : RENTHEAD020@aol.com my chat names are (get ready) phish visor (i use this the most) renthead020 renthead591 loony lupin dumbledore518 sharktoothpower ping pong power suzieq8086

please im me or email me

sorry if this is a crappy idea, i just wanna talk about happy stuff!

Re: hey, i have a really nifty idea, READ AND REPL
Posted by butterfly on Sat Jan 20 23:01:27 2001 (#3007)

well i'm not too good at writing about myself but......

I'm 18 (legally able to drink :) ) i'm from the UK and i'm studying maths chemistry and biology. In september I should be going to university to do chemistry. I love listening to music, and i play the flute.... ummmmm i don't really have anything else to tell you about.

Re: hey, i have a really nifty idea, READ AND REPL
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 21 03:09:03 2001 (#3015)

Well, if the idea came from me, I figure I should contribute.Here goes..

My name is Colin Marlow, I live in Blind river Ontario Canada. I just turned 19 a month ago (Dec 30). I'm just about to finish school in one week (I only needed hal a year of grade 13). In the summer I'm joining the army. I love physical things activity and spend mu days weight lifting, swordfighting, boxing, and practicing my sword controll with a wooden katana. I absolutely love Japanese things (Samurai, flower arrangement, bamboo gardens, cherry blossoms, stuff like that. I started cutting when I was twelve, stopped two years ago, and just recently started up again. I became a Christian a couple years ago and it changed my life. That's pretty much me.

prayers to all, Colin

Re: hey, i have a really nifty idea, READ AND REPL
Posted by fran on Sun Jan 21 22:46:46 2001 (#3034)

Before you guys came to the board, I forget who it was now but they suggested this idea to talk about what we love. Thats what this board is about sharing happy, sad and tragic moments with everyone. You can post anything on this board and you musn't be sorry. However I don't like unkindness AT ALL . I can't stand it...this board should be a safe haven.

Re: hey, i have a really nifty idea, READ AND REPL
Posted by Simon on Mon Jan 22 01:43:24 2001 (#3045)

Well, im 18 and go to uni in newcastle (UK) and do computing studies (i know its a little sad and geeky to like computer stuff but its the only thing im very good at) my passion is music and i have been playing guitar for about 5 or so years and have been in a punk band for one year. i can safely say that one time that i am totally happy is when im playing a gig and i feel like people are getting enjoyment from it. i have a gig on friday so i want everyone to wish us luck cos its the first gig for months. i love to be in the crowd just as much though and i may be going to see Goldfinger (kick ass!!!) and Less Than Jake when they play in the uk. right, thats me. what's next?

Re: hey, i have a really nifty idea, READ AND REPL
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jan 29 12:56:57 2001 (#3267)

Well I'm nearly 17, and live in England. I started the year at college studying Psychology as it is very interesting. I have just left college to travel around the world. I am going to Belize in July. I still do my own research on Psychology. I live in my own place, It's called a FOYER. It's a semi-independant unit for 16-25 year olds. And that's all there is to know about me.

Simon !!!
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 11:04:44 2001 (#3056)

Glad to see you back Simon. Hope your doing okay . did you read my posts?

Re: Simon !!!
Posted by sharon on Tue Jan 23 00:17:13 2001 (#3075)

well, i'm sharon. i'll be 14 in a month so i probably get the award for youngest person on the board!!! i live in the good ol' u.s. of a. (hey, why don't we get to drink at 18?!) and music is my poison. anything will do but i also love instrumentals of anything. i love art, though my drawings/paintings don't really resemble much!!! helping ppl is my passion so i'm considering going into pediatrics. well, that's it for me! hugs, sharon

Re: hey, i have a really nifty idea, READ AND REPL
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Jan 23 12:43:10 2001 (#3092)

My name is Sarah, I'm 19 and in my second year of a history degree at Sheffield uni. I don't cut at the moment but I used to and I feel that it's always an method of coping that will be available to me. The reason I write to this board is sometimes to vent, but also to try to support people. I love music, mostly rock and punk, which i've listened to throughout my impressionable teenagehood, but I'm open to any kinds of music. I write a lot of poetry, and i'd consider myself to be a very language based person - I experience the world through words. Sarah

STRIDER
Posted by Suzie on Sat Jan 20 23:21:39 2001 (#3010)

hello, i just wanted to say thanks, i mean you reply to every ones leters and , its just completely nice, and i dont really know what im saying cuz im kinda in a rush, but just thanks i guesse, oh yeah, do you have a chat name?? thanks

Suzie

1m name = phish visor

Re: STRIDER
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 21 03:13:51 2001 (#3016)

Thanks alot! I guess I just want to help every one because I know how bad I feel myself. The only problem with that is I don't always tell my feelings. I guess I try to use it as a cover sometimes. Oh well, thanks again.

prayers, Colin

Prozac ain't no bandage for this much blood...
Posted by Assassinated beauty on Sun Jan 21 00:26:49 2001 (#3011)

This is where I start another of those shitty rambles this is where I tell you how much it’s all gone wrong again this is where you realise I’m not little miss perfect this is where you wonder why you ever wanted to know me if all I can offer me or anyone is this infinite sadness this terrible honesty this utter crap that rants out of my un-rebel girl head and fills paper with the big nothing I tell you baby save this bleeding heart of mine I tell you sweet pills kill me no one even cares I hate myself and I deserve to die I hate life I hate me I hate everything I ever was I hate what I am and I hate what I am becoming oh look my body’s just as broken as my soul now hey they tell me we always hurt the ones we love I don’t need a reason to be beautiful beautiful for whom I tell you if no one else will love me then I refuse to I’m trying to smile but can you see the tears glittering in my eyes and I’m so jealous it’s so mighty so hating and I know every time he looks at me he’s thinking how much better she was and I know every time he does something he’s doing it just to remind me how shit I am and I know every time they smile at me they’re just laughing at what a state I am this state we’re in would he be proud once again I’m venting all this selfish crap at people who don’t wanna hear it we always hurt the one’s we love right the more you suffer the more it shows you really care right no pain no gain right am I rotting from view yet there’s no dignity where these stars are falling and maybe I just don’t love him enough maybe I just don’t love me enough maybe I should just stop trying to be something I’m not something good something happy something pretty something that every one loves me for why love me when there’s nothing good to love why love me when I can’t love you back why can’t you just hate me every body dies just let me why love me when all this angst all this hate all this pure misery fills up my eyes and covers my smiles and the communal tyranny bleeds my wrists and I hurt I hurt all over it could be me but it’s not this will be the year it all goes right for you baby oh get real Barbie get real sugar I can’t believe this will be my year my one lucky prize my day of happiness will come but baby I’m tired of waiting miracles don’t exist sadness is all I am finding happiness will destroy me just like it is now there’s no way out of my prison there’s no way back out the door but it scares me when I feel it slip I love the pain a breeding ground for self hate hate born from love my tears turn to frost as my life turns to dust and the lilies bloomed and blossomed now it’s wilted and this world is just one big fucking war one war in my head all I do is fight myself and baby it hurts one more pill knock back one more because they just take the pain away because you know you deserve the hurt really because you’re hoping someone will walk in the door right now and it’ll be just like a bad shit movie where they walk in and hold your hand and take you to hospital and you come out all fixed with red cheeks and don’t you feel so useful now you feel like they’re not all better than you no you have talent you have a pretty smile you have good grades you have parents that love you you have glitter on your eyelashes you have angel dust falling from your little miss glam pink flower in your hair but no baby this is it it could be you and it is you you are the one the infinite sadness has chosen to contaminate to feed from to swallow whole and spit back out this is your punishment for being happy you dumb pointless human being the highs just make the downs bigger and you deserve every single bit of the pain that fills your empty head that’s meant to be filled with all the education crap that you’re too stupid to learn all those tears are there because in your heart you know all of your faults you don’t need to understand you are one big fault everything about you is wrong sucked dry bandage yourself but you don’t deserve to heal someone smash me against a wall someone throw me on the floor someone scream all these words at me which I tell myself all day long someone give me a reason for all this pointless jealousy someone remind me why I bother staying alive someone remind me someone knock some sense into me someone save me someone give me a gun I feel the burn in my arm I feel the misery the tired hurting dull ache of suffering on my head it’s every where I feel the bullet in my head I feel the everlasting daydream of taking control and losing control and I’ve lost the love to sleep I no longer believe I always feel like this I always feel so wrong my eyes are red like I just cried I always will I always will and I don’t deserve it any other way destiny complete they always hated you destiny final fucking place this is it apparently you’re happy you realised I’m meant to be unhappy I’ve realised give up give up give up if only I could if only I would if only I thought I didn’t need the pain if only I believed that dying would make it go away if only I could feel it all I need to throw it all away queen of my world I hate you baby blue eyes I hate you lil mr intelligent perfect I hate you miss oxford uni Sylvia plath of the nineties I hate you miss glam shagging her rock star boyfriend I hate you rioting spray paint girl I hate you mr guitar god I hate you and I hate you because I love you I love you because I hate me free me free me free me……

Re: Prozac ain't no bandage for this much blood...
Posted by Michael on Sun Jan 21 00:54:35 2001 (#3012)

If you ever read this reply then e-mail me, please. I'm Michael, i'm from England, and what you've written kind of sums up the way i think...random, suicidal and disparate....please reply...

Re: Prozac ain't no bandage for this much blood...
Posted by Suzie on Sun Jan 21 01:04:05 2001 (#3013)

i feel small next to you're words. Im worried if you're ok. We do care, everyone here cares for you, no matter if we have just met you, or have been reading your posts for a while. WE ALL CARE, thats why we are here. I think that you have taken all of our hurt, and all of out pain, and arranged it in words and exspressed them through your mind. because everyone here knows how it feels to be in that place. i... i dont know what to say, but if you ever need to talk at all, about anything, just IM me at phish visor or email me at renthead020@aol.com.

Re: Prozac ain't no bandage for this much blood...
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 21 03:30:25 2001 (#3017)

Yor name is quite apropriate. You have been struck down, and I will do what I can to try and bring you back up. Writings like those are the best way to release your feelings. Writings where the words flow, instead of having to SI and watch the blood do the same. I'm glad you came here to post. I haven't searched this boards archives so I don't know if you've posted here in the past (I'm a relative newbie), but I'm glad you're here now. You're here with the only people that can truly understand you, as we all suffer from SI as well. WE are all plagued by the feelings of self loathing, and self destuction. I pray that you return to read the responses to your post, and that you keep posting. Yo are truly among friends.

prayers, Colin

Re: Prozac ain't no bandage for this much blood...
Posted by assassinated beauty on Sun Jan 21 11:25:18 2001 (#3021)

thanks you all...awww...that is so utmostly sweet... thank you for taking time to read my self indulgent ramblings, it's too kind... i'm not all that good with words, but i guess thank you is the strongest 1 i can find... i love you and you're all appreciated more than i could ever find the word to say... mwah xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: Prozac ain't no bandage for this much blood...
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 20:42:19 2001 (#3057)

I admire your ability to write SO MUCH. Sweetsoursweetsour inspired me to start writing again....but babe your writing has a purity and I love it. I wish you didn't hate yourself so much...you have so much to love yourself for.

Used and Abused...
Posted by Lither on Sun Jan 21 04:03:03 2001 (#3018)

Cynical inclinations cloud my mind and... not any more... I am told from some small voice in my left knee and right ankle...

uselessness... I feel manipulated too much and all too often as a paper doll with strings and no home... more people than not attempt to use me for evil deeds... no... simply my money and my intelligence... I am 15 in case any wondered... though my height wouldn't give it away (I am 6'2 or 6'3) and in grade 12 which makes it worse as older ones are less maliable to my arms and such and... fools... I can't stand it... I am told to fuck off and be silent and the mindless morons laugh... it is that and the near photographic memory that hurts the most...

I am sorry and thank you all for listening...

I'll post a poem tomorrow...

thanks once again...

~ Moridhinn ~

Re: Used and Abused...
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 21 04:21:48 2001 (#3019)

There are people who would use you for those purposes of manipulation. But, there are those of us (like myself and the others here on PSYKE) who would rather listen and help as opposed to pulling on those strings.

prayers, Colin

Re: Used and Abused...
Posted by Suzie on Sun Jan 21 18:10:23 2001 (#3023)

I feel bad for your current situation. But you have to think to you're self. You're smarter than them, thats why you dont harasse them, thats why you're younger and in 12th grade. All those people who harassa you are probably afraid, because you're smart, and they feel that they are not. You should be proud to be smart, and you only have less than a year left until you go to collage, and in collage there are actually this thing called mature people (i know, its such a shock!) and those people will respect you, and will just be normal. Typically, highschool kids are immature and un accepting, and its sad, because telivison pollutes the world, and adds on to the idea that harrasement of that sort is right. In time it will pass, but now you just have to think to you're self, everytime they harasse you, think about how in 10 years, you'll be the one with the good job, and they'll be the one struggling, wishing that they never botherd you.

Re: Used and Abused...
Posted by Lither on Mon Jan 22 01:25:58 2001 (#3044)

Actually... I'll be the one with the SSG and razor blades and they'll be dead... it is not so simple... and I am well aware of what college is...

Thank you for your concern...

~Moridhinn

Implode
Posted by Strider on Sun Jan 21 06:40:32 2001 (#3020)

Since I started cutting again, I've been going down. I'd say that I've officialy entered the first circle of hell (and that second circle looks aufuly inviting. Sorry if I keep using your "circle" analogy DB, but I realy like it.) I keep acting happy, but it's like a black hole inside. The cause of which is some sort of internal pain that I can't understand, and at the center of that hole is the happiness that is being sucked in and crushed into a single, infinitely small point. Once all of the happiness is gone, all that's left to be pulled in will be my very existence. I want to cut so badly right now, but my friend is over, so I can't. That makes me hate him more and more as the minutes pass. I so want to cut. The last time I cut, I placed a huge mirror infront of me so I could watch the red ribbons flutter down my arms and come to rest on the floor. I really need to stop. I really do. Thank you all for helping me.

prayers, Colin

P.S. How long does it take for your cuts to scar over? This is just to anybody who can answer.

Re: Implode
Posted by Suzie on Sun Jan 21 18:14:49 2001 (#3024)

scars never go away, scar tissue is forever. I came to the shock of that last week while asking my bio teacher is scars go away. But in time they will fade and blend with the skin. If you're scars are still red, that means they are still healing, you can have this stuff injucted in it to helop it heal really quickly and you wont be able to notice it unless you point it out. Email me or im ( phish visor ) if you need to chat or talk,

Am I a walkin Sin?
Posted by Suzie on Sun Jan 21 18:21:43 2001 (#3025)

i asked that questions thousands of time, wondering if i happen to be sinning each night. I stooped for 2 weeks, which is years to me. And on Friday night i had a sleep over with my youth group at my church. ( me, my pastor and 5 boys) what fun, i felt out numbered, being a girl, and uncomfertable, though i hid that feeling. Durring the night while we were watching movies the urdge to cut became humongus, and i went to the bathroom and cut, deep. I stayed there for 20 min untill i could walk back in to the room, pretending as nothing happen. But that night i layed awake all night wondering if im a walking sin. I got the urdge to ask my priest the next morning is It is a sin to hurt your self. He gave me this worried look, and told me that God put me here to be happy, he dosent want me to have the huge burdon that i would carry if (hence if) i hurt myself. Now even though he said that, i still feel like im in hell, and that i will end up going there, i apogise every night, but still. Am i a walking sin?

Re: Am I a walkin Sin?
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 21 23:05:27 2001 (#3036)

..I don't know what to say but no your not a walking sin. I cut because I want to punish myself, all the anger I have to take it out on myself because I hate myself and if you are the same. It's not a sin..you just think too little of yourself and you can't communicate your pain. Look at you look at this board everyone cares , everyone has amazing courage and they have beautiful people inside them. Well .....I could go on and on but do you see what I mean?

Re: Am I a walkin Sin?
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 22 00:59:47 2001 (#3042)

Suzie, as a Christian myself, I know EXACTLY what you're feeling. Every time I cut I wonder what Jesus is thinking of it. I know that he wnts us to be happy, but I'm not sure this is the way he wants us to do it. I did a little searching and what I've come up with is that in Mark, chapter 5, it talks about this guy possesed by a demon named Legion and it says that he was "always, night and day, in the mountains and tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones" (that's verse five, check it out). Sounds familiar doesn't it? I think that might be what's happening to us. I looked some more, and I couldn't find any place that it said not to cut yourself, so I'd say that it's probably not a sin. It's just like your priest said, it's a burden that we shouldnt try to carry ourselfs. Of course, that's easier to say than do as I know all to well. Hey, even if it is a sin, don't worry. You've accepted Jesus as your saviour, and once that happens, it's impossible for you to go to hell because your sins are forgiven, and remember what Jesus said about his sheep.."and I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand" (John 10:28). I hope I could be of some help!

love and prayers from your brother in Christ, Colin

--------------------------------------------------
Posted by -------------------------------------------------- on Sun Jan 21 18:35:03 2001 (#3026)

WHERE IS EVERYONE? IM ALONE NOW. ALONE FOR REAL FOR GOOD. SAD. LOST. SCARED. AND ALL ALONE. NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW. I HAVE NO ONE. NO ONE TO LIVE FOR NOW. EVERYONE I LOVE IS GONE. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHY AM I STILL ALIVE? I DONT NEED TO BE ANYMORE. NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. WHY DOES IT SEEM AS IF I CARE. I DONT CARE. SUICIDE NOTE MAYBE? WHY DO PEOPLE MAKE SUICIDE NOTES? ILL NEVER KNOW NOW. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. WHO IS THIS? I DONT EVEN KNOW? WHY ARE THINGS SO QUIET? YET SO LOUD. EVEN WHEN I COVER MY EARS. THE SILENCE IS SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF ITS LUNGS. IT WANTS ME TO NOTICE HOW QUIET AND ALONE THINGS ARE. I DONT WANT TO KNOW. IM GOING CRAZY. I DONT WANT TO KNOW. I WONT BE ALONE ANYMORE, SEE. YOUR NOT ALONE IF YOU DONT EXSIST. WHY DO I STILL EXSIST? NO MORE. NOT ALONE. NO MORE!!!

XXXXXXX

Re: ----------------------------------------------
Posted by *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* on Sun Jan 21 18:51:04 2001 (#3027)

you're not alone. You will never be alone.

SMETHING YOU MUST READ FOR ME
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 21 20:29:17 2001 (#3029)

I know how much death is making sense to you right now and that its your only freedom. I always felt like the other side would be my biggest relief...I believed it would be my freedom...the only way to be free. I've been there I know what it's like to be dying from the heart and the pain, being so low down...knowing it's the only thing that will save you from this. I knew no one could understand what a freedom like dying meant to me. other people might think why am I telling you this? why am I going to drive you down even further. But why should I hide the truth from you? people will tell you that it's all okay but it's not...and they don't know. It won't all be okay. I'm still here but that doesn't mean that I stopped believing it was my way out my freedom, a part of me still believes in that. How did I get through it? I'm not sure but I realised that although it meant nothing to me then there were reasons to live...reasons for the future that I didn''t realise them but I would...I wanted to see if I could making. It's been agonising at times. I'm not exagerating....I felt ill from the pain.....I cried for days and nights constantly and it would have been so so so so easy. I wanted to die I hated everything the past the future the present.....what was there. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALONE. God knows if it becomes easier. But please do this for me wait a little....take something to get you through it...to make you forget for a little while. Then think of things to hold on to , even a little thing to survive for. Talk to me about everything (my emails at the top) before you decide. I firmly believe no one can save you from yourself...and this is a tragedy but it's true. I won't be able to save you from yourself but maybe you can and this whole board will be here to help you. Maybe oneday life can be beautiful. If I'd watched myself writing this a year to 6 months ago I wouldn't have believed it was so ready to die ...I beleived in suicide it belonged to me and I knew I couldn't be cured and I couldn't see it getting better...lots of people spinning shit about nothing was bad eneough to die for...well somethings were...they couldn't understand. The difference is I do understand. I'm not meccessarily better...I still fall down alot, I think about my suicide vision ..slitting my wrists in my bath' and it makes me so peaceful just thinking of it........but I know I want you to get through this because you have so much to give to the world even though you don't know it yet....you will. I will be up there smiling down from heaven just watching you and your long life ahead of you. DO YOU KNOW WHAT....if you get through this you are the strongest person....surviving something like this you wouldn't believe what a fighter you are.....with strenght like that you can do anything. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. Thats what I've realised through this I actually am I fighter and I've fought for so long maybe there is something for me.

Re: SMETHING YOU MUST READ FOR ME
Posted by *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* on Sun Jan 21 21:41:00 2001 (#3031)

you are a fighter, and that makes you stronger, every day you pass , every day you live, you become stronger and stronger. One day, the urdge, for cutting, for dieing, for feeling alone, it will all be gone

Re: SMETHING YOU MUST READ FOR ME
Posted by ----------- on Mon Jan 22 04:47:16 2001 (#3050)

THANK YOU...I HAVE LIVED ONE MORE NIGHT, NOT SURVIVED, BUT LIVED ONE MORE NIGHT.

Re: ----------------------------------------------
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 22 00:40:08 2001 (#3040)

Yoú are right, you wont be alone anymore, because you've come here. You've come to a place where we care about eachother. You will be among friends here, myself and the others will actually be able to understand you and we wont turn our backs on you. Please keep letting us know how you feel. Please, if you ever want to, go ahead and e-mail me. I mean that. It's not just me being polite or anything like that. It's serious.

prayers, Colin

her tears said it all
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 21 20:51:27 2001 (#3030)

Today I had a really great friend round . We sat talking about english and I let slip that I write poetry. I generally write about self injury and suicide and dying to be thin. I'd told her before about my bulimia but kept the rest to myself. I started to read a poem called 'trigger happy' to her (about suicide) she asked me if I had ever tried to kill myself and I told her I had. I felt the time had come to tell her about my cutting, I looked at her and saw tears rolling down her cheeks...she was CRYING. You don't knowing how moving it was, it meant so much to me. I don't know what I'd expected shock but she cared so much. She huged me and told me she loved me. She also said she couldn't begin to understand, and that she was always going to be there and that she would make sure I survived. People like girls like me because in the words of everclear 'she's perfect in that fucked up way like all the magazines seem to wanna glorify these days' the thinner I am the better...it doesn't matter that my eyes are popping out from the speed I take to suppress my appetite only that I look good in glittery eyeshadow and that glittery dress. I want kill myself and I slit my wrists...but thats something to talk about. But my friend she cared about what I was doing to myself and she wanted to make it better and knew she couldn't. She said to me that other girls are pretty, models are pretty but I wasn't just pretty I was beautiful because of the person underneath......and you know what she believes in me. Just like you said DB only you're halfway across the world and it's harder because I don't see you. She really doesn't know what that meant to me.......and I wish I could of cried with her but I've repressed it all and oneday I will cry with her. She may never know how I feel but she said it all when she shed her tears. DB everyone isn't that great? it has to be the most understanding reaction I've ever had and I had to share it with you to know what you thought

Re: her tears said it all
Posted by Suzie on Sun Jan 21 22:18:10 2001 (#3032)

you must truly feel blessed that that happened to you, you felt loved and wanted. I wish i could feel like that. That friend is a freind to stay. You are lucky to have a person like that

Re: her tears said it all
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Jan 22 00:32:11 2001 (#3039)

Oh Franny, I'm so glad you have someone who cares that much about you. Everyone deserves to have that kind of friend and it's good for you to have her. Hang on to your friend. She's a keeper, definitely!!!

I love you all, DB

Re: her tears said it all
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 22 01:11:19 2001 (#3043)

I..I..I'm speechless. That's the most incredible experience I've ever heard of with an understanding friend. You're right. It's so different when there's someone physicaly there with you. You've got a true friend there. For some reason, guys can't express themselves like that when they're around eachother, so I'd say that you are lucky. That's a true friend.

prayers, Colin

Re: her tears said it all
Posted by hello kitty on Mon Jan 22 21:01:13 2001 (#3060)

oh babe, that was beautiful...oh honey...in the words of everclear 'I can't find the gorgeous words'... I know you're beautiful... be pretty on the inside with me... yeah? Love you forever sweet heart xxxxxxx

ATTENTION ALL BOARD- CANADA
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 21 22:40:24 2001 (#3033)

I must tell you all about CANADA...which has helped me so much. It is not a real place unfortunately but imaginary. We all have a room in Canada, the scenery is beautiful...lakes and mountains and paddocks. Laura used to ride horses and wasn't able to tell her that I had a horse to, Linda had a huge bed so when anyone was scare they could be comforted. My room had a balconey where I'd stare at the stars and some nights I dance around like a fairy. When lost was here she helped me build a stage so we could perform shakespeare plays. We had a Ball with fairy lights and music on the veranda..it was amazing. In Canada everything is perfect and happy and no one had to hide there scars. It isn't real but I go there in my head and to me it's real...I don't care if it sounds crazy. When i first heard about it from DB and lost and NUNI I didn't think it could help but it does and when I write about it I really do escape. To me it's real. Didn't we have great times there DB? we really did...I would wake up crying and someone would be there for me. Everything twinkles in Canada in our house in Canada. There is a meadow near the house and I used to pick fresh flowers everyday with Laura and DB and Kate, Do they have moondaisies in ?well they do. In Canada I am beautiful, cristine once wrote that the food in Canada is magic because you can eat lots and still stay thin. My hairs flowing and I have flowers in it....I have a white nightie and there are fairy pictures everywhere to guard and protect us. Can you come to Canada with me? tonight DB and kate and suzie and cristine and Helen and heavenleigh and butterfly and sharon and nuni and rose are all there. Were waiting for others to arrive so are you going to come to Canada. DB my room is very large so can you share with me tonight? because I don't want to be alone and I need someone to talk to..we can have hot chocolate

Re: ATTENTION ALL BOARD- CANADA
Posted by Butterfly on Sun Jan 21 23:42:49 2001 (#3038)

I need to be in Canada right now, i just have to get away from everything and everyone who doesn't understand.

I'd walk through the meadows wearing a short sleeved top for the first time in years. My room would be painted purple and black, with long velvet curtains and a nice big comfy bed with velvet sheets and there would be lots of candles everywhere.

By the way Fran your hair looks beautiful with those flowers in it.

Re: ATTENTION ALL BOARD- CANADA
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Jan 22 00:59:24 2001 (#3041)

Of course I'll stay in your room. You have a big enough bed, so i'll sleep beside you and hold your hand if it will help you. I'll be there if you get scared during the night and you can tell me about your dreams in the morning.

*is heating milk for hot chocolate*

Love, DB

Re: ATTENTION ALL BOARD- CANADA
Posted by Nuni on Mon Jan 22 01:57:57 2001 (#3046)

Could not resist.... Im here for you Fran, DB you too. I am watching but not posting as before. I will see you all in Canada ;)

Canada saved me.........
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 21:50:11 2001 (#3068)

Did yuou know there are pine trees near our house in Canada?. It's just snowed and we go outside for snowball fights. I'm helping put flowers in all your hair. We collect pine cones and run through the pine trees (just like the hole song 'northern star')....and it's beautiful and it's acres and acres of countryside and trees and meadows and they are covered by the snow at the moment. A blanket of white powdery snow. We have extra supplies of hot chocolate. It's a magic winter wonderland.....inside our big living room with beautiful sofas and rugs (from Morrocco) we have a big open fire. I cry alot in Canada...I cry for all the years I didn't and I cry for all the pain and I cry for all of you one by one and I cry because I was so close to leaving this world. I cry because Canada allowed me to save myself and it allowed to all save yourselves. Melissa I'm hugging you by the fire...and I'm crying because you saved yourself too. I put on a Carpenters song '..we've only just begun to fly...white lace and promises'..it's Karens haunting voice.

Re: Canada saved me.........
Posted by sharon on Tue Jan 23 00:54:30 2001 (#3076)

can i tell you guys a bit about my room in canada? it's so real to me. it's really big and it's all painted yellow. there are white lilies and rose petals scattered on the ground. i've got candles everywhere and little shaggy pillows that everyone can hug when we have really late night talks in our pjs. i've just gone and helped you get daisies for your hair, fran. we have a big kitchen in the house where you all talk turns laughing at my unedible cooking (cooking in the most indefinite sense of the word!) well, i gotta go now, see ya'll soon! hugs, sharon

Re: ATTENTION ALL BOARD- CANADA
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Jan 23 13:18:36 2001 (#3095)

my room in Canada is in an old attic, with walls at crazy angles, but no dark corners. There is a huge bed with white sheets, because no-one needs to bleed and everyone is pure and perfect. I can look out of the window and see stars so when I lie reading poetry the sky reflects its beauty back at me. I can draw in Canada, and I paint beautiful pictures of everyone to show them how wonderful they look to me. We talk all night, and never get tired or hungry. Everything we need is delivered to us by birds, so we never need anything and never have to leave.

High way to Hell
Posted by *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* on Mon Jan 22 02:49:06 2001 (#3047)

High way to hell

Hell as i know it, is the eternal misery i put myself through each day. I keep going , clinging to the past. The only reason i've made it this far, is because i know that with each passing day, i get farther from being away. I have never been happy. it seemed that ive never been in control. Love dose not exsist. Everything changes. Ive always tried to make myself belive that things would improve, and that tomorrow will be better. I have everyone. This life is so useless. Christ like Hypocritices try to sew back together. I like to cut myself to see how much it will bleed. i try to make myself belive that the pain will bleed out. But after a while, it dosent hurt anymore. My body has become numb to razor blades and knifes. Pain is like breathing to me. My decotion to making myself sick over worrying had become worse. Im screaming at the top of my lungs and no one evem bothers to look up. I love the way you laugh at me. Even more the way you murdur me with you exsistance. Im diggion my own grave here. Its getting deeper as time passes. I choke on my own silence. There is nothing i can say that i havent thought befor. Im walking down the road now, mindless and dead to the world. I am at the bechat sunset. The sky is so ugly. This razor blade is so beatiuful. i press down on my arm, this time harder than ever befor. I dont move the razor, i just sit there, Blood begins to cover my arm, I mive it up my arm, as it grinds my flesh, the water begins to surround me. I switch arms, and let myself mutilate ever inch of arm, i am walink down the streeet now, the church isnt that far away. I open the door, there is Jesus on the cross right befor my eyes, the cross, on which he hands, is like a bed, in which i sleep. I get the matched out of my pocket and begin to burn my stomach. i engrave an upside down cross on my stomach, with the fire, nothing has ever hurt so bad, and felt so good. than i burn a 666 on my chest and scream. As you lay me down to sleep, i praise the lord my soul to take. Amen. i throw the match on the curtin in the church i sign to myself which i burn alivepreparing for hell, a prick on your finger is done, the moon has now eclipsed the sun, the angle will now spread its wings, the time has come for bitter things

Re: High way to Hell
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 22 07:10:22 2001 (#3052)

Letting the feelings flow. A wonderful idea. I'm glad you can come here and let your feelings loose. Though I must contest you on one thing. Love does exist. Though it be a foreign concept, it's here, on this board. Among all of us, and there's plenty to go around. Please keep posting with anything that's on your mind.

prayers, Colin

Re: High way to Hell
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 20:49:38 2001 (#3059)

wanting to scream, wanting to bleed and sometimes that blade is all you have left. Sometimes breathing is bleeding. and I wish it wasn't that way...and I often ask why, why me? I have no answer only questions. Keep on writing.

Re: High way to Hell
Posted by Simon on Tue Jan 23 05:09:41 2001 (#3082)

Hell does exist! i can prove it! Hell is a small town in Norway - honest, look it up.

Bye

SImon

Dirty
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 22 03:30:55 2001 (#3049)

Last night I got really drunk and made out with some thirty year old guy at a bar. I feel like a slut. I am a 22 year old virgin but feel like a dirty slut because I don't have real feeling for these guys that I kiss or do other things with. I don't want to be those girls who never find love and just sleep around but if I don't find love I will be a virgin for the rest of my life. Well at least I didn't cut this weekend. Thats surprising.

Re: Dirty
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 22 07:21:44 2001 (#3053)

Kate, you will never be one of those girls that sleeps around and never cares about or finds love. The fact that you care enough to not sleep with these guys tells me that you won't let yourself get like that. You're not dirty. Not by any standard, so please don't feel that way. And about being a virgin all your life, I can relate. I'm 19 and I've never even KISSED a girl! Not that I havent wanted to, or haven't tried, I just wont let myself get involved with a girl that I don't care about. Look at it this way. When you find your one love (and you will), think of how much more special that's going to be. And that's great about not cutting. You obviously felt bad about what happened, so not cutting must have taken quite alot of strength. I'm very proud of you. Keep it up.

prayers, Colin

Re: Dirty
Posted by Suzie on Mon Jan 22 21:07:55 2001 (#3062)

you cant blame your self for making out with that guy, since you were under the influence, you cant blame anything on that, they only thing that you can do is protect your self from things like that happeneing by not allowing your self to get drunk around people you dont know or trust. Any one who would take advanteage of a young lady under the influence is gross, and you should blame him, he is older, he should be more responsible. To find love,m you have to find an accepting person, dont go for guys that you know you wont have a thing for, go for the real guys, the ones that wont take advantage of you, the ones who will respect you for who you are, the ones that wll love you for who you are. And dont waste time and effort on the srubs of the universe. If you're gonna go waste some time, go waste it doing something that you enjoy, and that will benifit you, just YOU, because honey, we only live so long, and dont waste your younger years

Re: Dirty
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 21:59:20 2001 (#3069)

'When I wake up in my makeup. have you ever felt so used up as this? Oh kate ...I've done worse..when I was drunk in a club. I didn't really know what I was doing and the next day it makes you feel cheap .....but you are not a slut AT ALL. Like Suzy said...the guys that take advantage. You are beautiful, and you have so much underneath . You don't deserve to feel like this...I know what it feels like...guys don't have the right to make you feel like that but they do and they don't care. Kate stop listening to yourself and listen to me....you ARE WONDERFUL...don't let anyone touch that

Re: Dirty
Posted by Kate on Mon Jan 22 23:26:51 2001 (#3074)

I wake up smelling like cheap colone. I like it while I am doing it but when I wake up I feel cheap. I need to go to other places to find the right guy. When girls like us, good girls, go out we usually go to bars. Hang out with friends and drink some beers. We are in our 20's so that is what girls our age do. Where do all the good guys hang out? I love bars so I don't want to stop hanging out their.

-------------
Posted by ------------- on Mon Jan 22 05:29:13 2001 (#3051)

everyone hates me!!!!!!! KILL ME PLEASE!!! KILL ME PLEASE!!!! I WANT TO GO!!!!! I WANT TO GO!!!! I WILL DIE TONIGHT!!! I WILL DIE TONIGHT!!!!!!

MELISSA

Re: -------------
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 22 07:29:25 2001 (#3054)

I do NOT hate you. I do NOT want you to go. I will NOT kill you. You will NOT die tonight. If I can do anything to help, you will NOT die tonight. If you're still on, please respond to this. Let me know that you're alright. I pray that you're alright. Please e-mail me, respond to this, just do somthing to let me know that you're OK.

love and prayers, Colin

just in case
Posted by Strider on Mon Jan 22 08:20:57 2001 (#3055)

just in case you catch this tonight, I'll be on for two more hours. I just downloaded AIM, so if you have it, my name is UndeadLine. PLEASE contact me if you read this tonight.

love and prayers, Colin

Melissa - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 21:14:40 2001 (#3063)

Melissa I've been so worried about you . I didn't realise it was you I'd posted to you ..I'm so glad you made it through the night. I can't bear to think of the pain your in...when I think back to how agonising it was. It must be awful now your boyfriends left. I can't bear the thought of you ending before we can know each other properly. I wish I was right there for you now...so I could hold you and talk to you. I want to make it better and I can't. I think back to when I wanted to die and I know how I felt . That nothing could make it better. YOU HAVE come SO FAR...you have so much courage. I have been so worried about you. OH god your really scaring me Melissa. THe world wont be the same with out you. You have so much to give, you don't realise it but you do. YOu have all your beauty and I love you , you shine. Please email me and tell me everything. You don't know how much I want to help you. my aim is ....Oh babe is must be so awful and so painful...and I don't want you to feel alone...because it's so so painful. PleAse please don't end it...you mean to much to me and this board. I want someone to be there for you. I can feel the tears coming and I will be thinking about you all the time. I wish I could save you...I want to be your angel and save you. '..burn the sorrow from your eyes. oh, come on be alive again. Don't lay down and die' -HOLE

Re: -------------
Posted by Suzie on Mon Jan 22 21:18:13 2001 (#3064)

no one hates you, i do not belive in hate. hate is a word made up. its not true, its just like unicorns and flying pigs. it dosent happen. Dis like happens. But dis like isint strong, dis like is an opion. And no one hates you, No one wants to kill you. Why would you want to waste your beatufil life. You are beatufile, through the words that you speak, the lines that you say. Every thing about you is beatufile. sorry about spelling. i am sitting here in the libary of my school crying and having about 4 billion people ask me whats wrong all because i care for you, i do not know you personally, but i do not want you to die. there is no reason to die, no matter how bad things get, how bad you feel, there is no reason to die. Things will get better. Dont lose the game of life to early, you still have time, play the cards, and show everyone just how amazing you are. show them that you, YES YOU!! will not be defeated. show them that they are messing with the wrong person, and show your self, that you will win. yes, you will win

im me at phish visor or email me at renthead020@aol.com

thank you very much

I've got no rights on how I feel...
Posted by Lovely Little Baby Beautiful on Mon Jan 22 20:49:05 2001 (#3058)

You’d think having a baby boyfriend would make it better. You’d think having the bestist friends a girl could ever wish for would make it disappear. You’d think having places at uni would stop all this hurt. You’d think having people to vent to every day would sew me back together. You’d think having the exams over would make the stars stop falling. You’d think going to see the best fucking band on the planet would make me smile. You’d think being lil miss glitter and star girl would make me love everything. But baby I don’t. Baby, everything seems like a chore. Everything hurts again. Everything seems like a big fight for survival. The days are rolling into one. The nights are a mess of the beautiful sadness, that evil safe feeling of harvest, those autumn leaves they always suffocate that spring shower which drowns you that summer glare where you stare at the sun and it hurts your eyes the winter night sky when you can’t breathe and your skin stings and this is what follows me every time of the year, I don’t get to see the sun, darkness is all I am. Tell me why should I have to suffer all the pain all the no surface all feeling tell me why I’m alone in the Satan Polaroid people tell me I should be happy I got no rights on how I feel why dear diary why do I feel like I should be happy for them all I always seem to ask these whys why for everything but baby I talk to god but the sky is empty and I talk to myself and my head is empty and I try to talk to them but my voice somehow gets lost in the mist or does it not ever get out of my smashed out car crash beaten up world am I just screaming at myself? It always seems kinda strange babe I should probably try to get normal for you all learn to sleep learn to eat learn to have beautiful arms learn to be real learn to fight learn to hate but baby all these things are the battle I fight every day every fucking day when I feel like this and sugar it comes so easy to you but I’m plagued by this disease this hate this love this crap this fake this terrible honesty and everything I do takes all the energy I have in my little crazy mind it takes all I have I’ve given all I can it’s not enough and they all tell me it’ll be alright they think if they ignore it I’ll get better but baby swallow this if you believed me I’d get fixed and normal life is such my fear such my love how do I know where to go when the darkness shrouds the path in every direction baby there is no choice no chance no hope and why am I typing out all this manic crap when really no one really cares or wants to care or can be bothered and can’t understand because you’re too crap with words to say it but that’s life that’s death that’s all this terrible painful understanding if I can’t save me no one can so do I just give up do I just do what I don’t even know dear diary I’m tired I’m tired of being tired I’m tired of being me I’m tired of being little miss happy when really I’m little miss sad I’m bored of the lies I’m bored of being real I’m sick of living someone tear me apart I’m sick of the big black hole I’m sick of the endless mess and baby there is no choice there is no way out now I just have to be who I am but sweet sugary lollipop I’ve lost the love to sleep and I’ve lost the angels dreams and I’ve lost it lost it all all this sadness will never go away baby it’s here to stay hope is important death is important my friends are important baby boy in your little black fluffy jumper that I love to sleep on when it hurts too much is important baby family I know you hate me but you are important sweet princess and prince who send me those letters when I’m dying to help me climb you are important and if I didn’t believe you weren’t all important I’d love you to know that I’d be dead but I live these days of sadness of misery of all the endless pain just for you even when I don’t know if you really care truly honestly I do it for you because you deserve better than me than a mess and I can’t ruin your perfect lives by being fucked and for me I’m sorry for everything I do I’m sorry for everything I say I’m sorry because I know whatever it is you always deserve better and I’m just sorry just so fucking sorry……..

Re: I've got no rights on how I feel...
Posted by Suzie on Mon Jan 22 21:01:54 2001 (#3061)

learn to sleep learn to eat learn to have beautiful arms learn to be real learn to fight learn to hate but baby all these things are the battle I fight every day

i wish i could learn those things. You like me, dont know what it is like to have those things, to feel those things. I crave them , but i cant allow myself to sleep, or eat, or be me.

The only thing that i can do that truly exspresses me as a person, is write, and when i write, i pour my soul into the little baskets which is the world, and many times i dont have the strength to share how fucked up i am, but i am learning, thanks to you, and everyone else. But honestly thank you, i dont think i would ever be able to share all of me, but i am learning to let my self go, and letting myself go is helping more than ever, so thank you truly from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

I think I'm fading away too, helen
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 21:25:20 2001 (#3065)

I'm so sick of faking it...being happy, being sparkly, beind winderful. The more I fake it the more I fade away...I am fading away into myself. I think I've forgotten who I am.....I've been faking it for so long. I'm dying...I'm falling ' I see you falling how long to go before you hit the ground'. I'm waiting...I'm waiting to hit hit the ground. Helen...' not sorry...not ever forever my power'

Re: I think I'm fading away too, helen
Posted by Lovely Little Baby Beautiful on Mon Jan 22 23:10:50 2001 (#3073)

You two are goddesses, mwah, love forever... 'Everything will be wonderful one day' (yey fran-Everclear!) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

flying pigs dancing, while im living in this hole
Posted by Suzie on Mon Jan 22 21:34:11 2001 (#3066)

groteck as it may sound, i love cutting, I look forward to it durring the day, while at the same time i am pleading with myself to stop. its like an ongoing battle inside my head. I wear a mask to the world, to protect me from what they could be thinking. My school is a breeding ground for hate (i know EVERY ONE uses it, but tough luck) everyone is my school is judged, put up on a wall, and is picked apart by everyone, luckly i am not one of those people who get picked apart the worst, mine is kinda a typical "picking" i guesse you could say. But i cant stand it how when i walk through the halls, i can hear others talking about others, making comments, i cant stand it, i wrote a HUGE thingy all over a wall about this, in my school. i didnt get caught, but i am happy, because people are reading it, and hopefully people will relize how they pollute the world, and how bad this is. it makes me sad to see people there, complaining about another person in their class, i cant belive how they have grown up think that that kind of harasse ment is ok, and accepted. It makes me insane to look at them, and i know, that i am makeing the same type of picking that others do. and i am wrong myself. and i apologise to them. but ... ahh, i dont know how to get my self out of this hole i have just dug my self into, so ill let you guys decide what is right, and what is wrong.

now onto what i really wanted to say. I cant stand being alone. I have all the friends that i could ever want, but yet i am still alone. I dont feel as if there is anyone for me to talk to, and that i feel, like i am living in a box, and i cant stand that. the only person i started talking to about my problem was a teacher, i felt so close that teacher, and after words, he only alienated me, and made me feel worse than befor. Luckly her only told the social worker, and i didnt go to her and she didnt run and tell anyone. but it just makes me so mad, that i dont have anyone to tzalk to , anyone to be myself around. i live of this website, but i cant be with any of you in person,. and what io need is a person to site right here and laugh with me, to be my friend that i can actually trust. its sad, when you have friends and you cant tell them any of your problems, i hate that. and .... i dont know what to say, thanks for listening to me ramble on.

Re: flying pigs dancing, while im living in this h
Posted by Fran on Mon Jan 22 22:06:20 2001 (#3070)

Surrounded by so many people but I feel so alone...the more people around you the less they know you ...the more you slip through unnoticed 'she says she's lonely how could she be everynight she's got company oh marie I sure hope you happy..your all magazines, benzedrine and vodka'- sheryl Crow. I feel so lonely...I feel like I'm fading away. It's so superficial, it's glittery......I have never felt so alone. The parties and the people mean so little. In the crowded room....standing feeling so alone and so far away.....

Re: flying pigs dancing, while im living in this h
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 23 03:59:36 2001 (#3077)

Alone. That word haunts me as well. It doesn't matter how many people you have around you, but still you're so alone. That's a hard place to be. And that's just it about this site. We all care, but we have to go through these stupid computers. I wish I could just take a few steps and be by your side to listen in person. As is, this is the best I can do. Sorry. And don't ever feel bad about using the school thing. I just finished highschool (after my exams that is) and I know as well that it's nothing but a hate filled cess pool of petty people that pride themselfs in belittling others for no reason. And as for the cutting, that pretty much describes my daily routine right about now, so you're talking to a sympathetic ear. Keep up the struggle at schol, and try and be safe.

prayers, Colin

I want it
Posted by Alana on Tue Jan 23 04:24:41 2001 (#3078)

i don't know what's wrong with me. Is this just me? I haven't cut in almost 2 months. But I want it back so badly. It's just something I do, and without if I feel so empty and worthless. It belongs to me and I don't want to give it up. A life without self injury to me, seems impossible right now. Does anyone else feel the same way? Please someone help me, why do I want it so bad. Why am I like this? What have I done to myself. People stare at my scars, make comments, and dirty faces. I don't want to be disgusted by who I am. I'm so alone.

Re: I want it
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 23 05:14:51 2001 (#3083)

That urge of going back to cutting is so hard to fight. It's like a part of you. 't's almost like trying not to breath. I stopped for two years, and just recently cut again (that's actualy why I came to this board). I'm glad you came here to talk. You're among friends. I don't know why you're like this. I don't know why any of us are like this. Don't be disgusted by who you are. Never feel that way, please. You are not alone, you've got all of us here on this board. I know that the desire to cut is strong and it's harder to give up than anything, but we're here to help as much as we can. Keep posting with your feelings, e-mail me for any reason and my AIM name is UndeadLine. Try and hang in there...

prayers, Colin

What the fuck has the world come to? WHAT THE FUCK
Posted by Suzie on Tue Jan 23 04:34:46 2001 (#3079)

i cant take it anymore, what has thw world come from, my best friend just told me that his cousin tried to kill his aunt, and that he has been anorexic for 5 years, ( i havent seen him in foreer, he lives in alabama. i dont know what this world has come to. i just got back from working at my school backetball game and my supervisor is the only person (adult) thast knows that i cut myself, and i asked him why do you treat me so diffrently after i told you that i cut myself, and he ignors the question, and when he dose finaslly answers,m he talks to me like im illiterat, i cant stand it, why am i punished for being me, why cant i just be accepted.... why??? just why?

Re: What the fuck has the world come to? WHAT THE
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 23 05:25:14 2001 (#3084)

This world is screwed beyond belief. Things just keep getting worse too...ahhh, it's depressing. People fear what they don't know or understand, and what we do is quite foreign to most people. Your supervisor pobably talks that way because he's scared 'that hell say something to make you feel bad. People have such messed up reactions to people who SI. Remember that you're accepted as yourself here, so keep venting.

prayers, Colin

MMMMEEEELLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSAAAAA
Posted by Lost on Tue Jan 23 04:46:54 2001 (#3080)

Melissa what the hell is going on??? why haven't u e-mailed me and told me all this stuff?! I haven't talked to you in FOREVER and I figured that u were ok-- just having a hard time about marcus... but u PROMISED me that u wouldn't do anything. We talked about this before... and about how you will be hurting him SOOOOOOOO much more than u can ever know by killing yourself. Love is selfless and if you REALLY LOVE marcus then u will stay alive JUST so he will not have to go through the pain of losing you FOREVER. You know that u guys will not be apart FOREVER (but if u kill urself u will be)... and you KNOW that I know how it is to be away from ur boyfriend for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGG time! Think about it like this... You miss marcus SOOOOO much right? and you want to see him SOOOOOOOOOOOO bad and u want to be with him forever right? Isn't he worth the wait? Wouldn't u give ANYTHING to see him? Well if you WOULD give anything to see him... then give 2 yrs of your life and u WILL see him.... otherwise you will NEVER see him again... and that is ur worst fear. So by killing yourself you will only make ur worst fear come true. You know ur my dawg... so STOP and think about this shit before u do it. Don't make me have to kick u in ur forehead for doing something krazie girl! I luv u girl and u best keep ur damn head up! do it for MUCUS :) and when u talk to him tell him i said hi too

what I've been up to lately....
Posted by Lost on Tue Jan 23 05:04:05 2001 (#3081)

WEEEEEELLLLLLLL boys and girls... i haven't been here for a long time. BUT i decided to come check up on u guys... and GODDAMN theres a lot of new people. And most of the old people are gone :( But I guess I've just gotta deal with the change :) Anyways I've been going through some bullshit lately with Chris (my boyfriend-- who's been in jail for the past 10 months-- he's gettin out in may). Anyway... he sent me a letter telling me how childish and immature i am bcuz i am constantly wanting to die. He told me that I am just adding stress to HIS life and that he will never talk to me again if i continue to write to him about these things. He said that he WANTS to love me but that I make it so hard for him to love me. He said that i am not NORMAL and that I have problems because i want to die. Ok, uhm I'm sorry but I HAVE BEEN THE ONE who has put up with his CONSTANT bullshit for almost 3 yrs. I'm sorry but not many girls would stick by their man FAITHFULLLY while he was in and out of jail and especially THIS time for like 10 months straight already! And yeah, i know that makes me look bad cuz i sure do pick the winners... but i love this guy sooo much (even tho he's a dick)! Anyways, what he said REALLY hurt me A LOT. At first i cried about it like forever... then i got mad about it... and then (and this is why i haven't come here in a long time) i started partying again HARDCORE! For the past week its been nothing but party... sure I'll come home during the day... but at night time THATS WHERE ITS ALL AT. I've been taking like 10+ shots of vodka (i lose count after 10) everynight and drinking i don't know how much beer with it. Smoking weed (A LOT more than usual) I also did speed a couple of times... I KNOW that i'm going back to my old ways... and i also know that its not good... but #1 its a way to keep me occupied so i DON'T always want to die... #2 its been keeping me from being depressed about Chris and #3 I've been having sooooooooo much more fun than i usually do. I think I'm gonna go back to my old self... sure it didn't get me anywhere... but neither did doing good. So if i'm not gonna go anywhere whether i'm depressed or partying... i CHOSE the partying because at least I'm gonna have fun while i go no where in life. At least i might LIVE that way... bcuz if i keep going with this depression shit, i'm not gonna be able to live for much longer.

ANYWAYS-- I was just letting you guys know whats been up with me lately. and uhm HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII to all the new people!!!!!!!!!!! yayayayyayayayayay!!!!

And oh yeah... 2 people from here e-mailed me a while ago (maybe a week or 2 ago) and i never responded (i was probably faded when i read them or something) so could u tell me if it was you??? so i can send u an e-mail back.... :) YAY

Re: what I've been up to lately....
Posted by Christine on Tue Jan 23 17:07:12 2001 (#3097)

Lost long time I missed u well i'm glad your back I missed harassing u 2! lol bye

Re: what I've been up to lately....
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 23 19:38:28 2001 (#3098)

I was really worried about you..I was one of the two that emailed you. You shouldn't feel bad for going back 'to your old ways' if thats whats helping you escape then thats what you need. You need things to survive...and you've been partying and it is better than deppression...you've been enjoying yourself. you are going through so much shit with your boyfriend...he shouldn't make you feel the way you do . You are NOT childish for wanting to die...for you each day is a battle ...you live or you die and there is no imbetween. YOur boyfriend has never had to go through what you've had to...while he may be in prison in nine months when he gets out he is free...you are never free because your mind is always from you ...you live with your unhappiness constantly....and you are fighting to be free. He's not helping you in anyway...he's making you far worse and your waiting for him..waiting when you deserve so much more. I wish it was that simple but you love him something which is probably impossible to let go of. Kay I'll be thinking of you...always on my mind...I hope oneday you become free. P.S are you coming to Canada?

Needing . . . something
Posted by @}---,--,--- on Tue Jan 23 05:41:56 2001 (#3085)

I know I said I was through, but I'm upset, and I don't know if I should be, and I sure don't have anywhere else to go.

I mentioned a while ago that I had a diary I used purely for recording my cutting and venting. I don't know what I was thinking, leaving it open to the public.

I don't know why this upsets me so much, but a girl posted the following in my guestbook today:

"i can understand how u feel, and why u may cut, but i seriously think u should see some therapist. maybe some electrotherapy, too. u really need help. lots of people cut, but u take it too far."

I mean, I don't know, it's not even that much of a critism. Maybe it makes me feel like a freak, I don't know.

I'm not sure which of my entries sparked it off. Most of it's junk anyway (seriously, I'm at my worst when trying to describe my feelings - they don't change much after all.) The most recent ones chronicalled my desire to throw myself out of a high window. I'm not really sure if I would actually have done it. Maybe it was a little too freaky. I've written about things like that, the desire to fly, in my paper diary - maybe it was too much for something that hadn't been prefaced.

Ironically, I was feeling better until I read it.

But I do have warnings all over the place that I'm permitting myself to be crazy in the diary, and that if it would offend, don't read.

Although I haven't let myself go completely there, either.

Heck, I don't know. Really, she's probably right. "Cruel to be kind," and all that. I do need help. I know that. I'm pretty sure I know that. It is pretty sick to keep a record, isn't it? Rather like bragging or something. Why am I so upset?

Anyway, sorry for the intrusion. Thanks for listening.

Re: Needing . . . something
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 23 07:31:43 2001 (#3088)

Never feel bad for intruding, that's why we're here. Keeping a record really isn't all that sick. Now that I think of it, I probably should have done that. Too many scars to remember where and when they all came from now though. Having that diary out there is actualy a good idea I think, because that way maby people will try and understand you. I don't know. I shouldn't be saying anything right now. I just got done cutting. Sorry. Hope you're doing well.

prayers, Colin

Re: Needing . . . something
Posted by heavenliegh on Tue Jan 23 13:07:38 2001 (#3093)

Don't feel bad because someone who didn't understand made an insensitive comment. There are plenty of people who do understand and will care about you on your own terms without trying to convince you that what you're doing is wrong or sick. You're not sick to keep a record. I wish I could keep a diary, to get the confusion out of my head instead of letting it go round and round. It's not sick to make a public record - just think of all the people you might be reaching out to and helping.

Re: Needing . . . something
Posted by @}---,--,--- -- on Wed Jan 24 00:51:48 2001 (#3105)

I do hope I'm helping someone with it. Thank you.

Re: Needing . . . something
Posted by Suzie on Tue Jan 23 22:50:08 2001 (#3101)

i told you it would all work out... ( you know what i mean by it,) i told you it would work? happy?? lol

have fun! and email me at this email address

Pink_Shades@bombdiggity .com

Aw, hell, I give up
Posted by @}---,--,--- on Tue Jan 23 05:55:52 2001 (#3086)

Just went back, found this one. Guess this isn't my day.

"ok, i only had to read 'Im a cutter' to realize that your a moron. So i too use to do it..but to write a page and parade your "pitty me" self around is sad. I can't believe your in college because you shound like a fucking idiot. No one is intrigued by your actions or impressed..I meen, basically...why be sad when you can be happy? Maybe you are then again maybe your retarded"

I'm giving up.

Its open for the curious, but I'm writing it for myself. As therapy. It says that in there too. I don't expect to be impressed, and I don't want your pity.

And by the way, buddy, maybe I am "retarded," but I know that "pity" has one t in it and "mean" is spelled like that, not meen. And maybe I'm a moron, but __you're__ one too.

I've received some nice comments in that guestbook, but I think I'm going to eliminate the feature. Maybe take it off the public forum too.

I just pray to God nobody looked hard enough to find my e-mail address.

I'm trembling so badly now I can barely type. I don't know why I'm such an idiot.

But I have one more word to spell for "Maus": B-A-S-T-A-R-D. And that's more than I've sworn in the past five years.

should have read both of these before I responded
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 23 07:40:50 2001 (#3089)

Please don't feel bad. I'm an idiot too. But you've done nothing wrong. Don't let someone who's clearly suffered severe brain damage (how do people like that manage to breathe and remain upright simultaneously) make you doubt yourself. The people here truly understand because we've all experienced it, and we don't think you're a freak, so try and hang in there. If you'll excuse me, I have to go vent now.

prayers, Colin

They should FUCKING ROT IN HELL.
Posted by Fran on Tue Jan 23 20:00:10 2001 (#3099)

Where is your webpage PLEEEAAAAAAAASE give me the link. Look WHO IS THIS PERSON TO JUDGE YOU?...people like him or her make me sick...that person who wrote that should take a look at themselves...I hope they feel awful. What a fucking cunt.....it's so horrible because it doesn't matter how much I tell you not to listen you can't forget it. THAT PERSON HAS NO IDEA NO IDEA AT ALL> NO ONE CHOOSES TO FEEL LIKE THIS, to feel this low down no one ever chooses this life. How does that person know what you've been through. I've met people on this board who've been raped and sexually abused by family, sexually abused as children p.eople who have been physically abused having to grow up as a child with violence. People on this board have been on psychiatric wards and had to live with the pain of the past everyday. Whoever you are where ever you are....do you even KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE. EVeryday one of us fights a battle to live and I know enough about medicine and psychiatry to know we don't choose it...how much do you know how many manuals have you read?...because I've read them all. DO YOU KNOW HOW ANGRY YOU MAKE ME . I MEAN HOW DARE YOU< HOW FUCKING DARE YOU YOU PIECE OF WORTHLESS SHIT. YOU UNEDUCATED ARROGANT CONCEITED CUNT. TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF AND I THINK YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED AT WHAT YOU SEE. I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL..thats where you belong...it seems to me you were looking for somewhere to vent your harmful, malicious comments..you have no idea of the harm you have done...DO you have a conscience...well no people like you don't do they? I think you will end up in this world alone because...I wouldn't want to know you YOU YOU FUCKED UP CUNT YOU FUCKING CUNT

Re: They should FUCKING ROT IN HELL.
Posted by @}---,--,--- -- on Wed Jan 24 00:50:17 2001 (#3103)

I was debating whether or not to post the addy here - I'm not sure how I feel about having people who "know" me read it, because it really is the low end of my consciousness talking. Be that as it may, since you asked so nicely, the "cutting" diary is at http://im-a-cutter/diaryland.c om - please keep an open mind.

Given recent events, however, I'm not sure how much I will write in it - it may take some time for my confidence to return.

If anyone wants to meet my "non-cutting" self I have an in-progress webpage that reflects the happier me. It's nothing much yet (no real original content,) but if anyone wants to see it, e-mail me and I'll give you the addy. All I ask is that you not mention cutting if you sign the guestbook (some of my friends know about that site, and if I'm going to tell them, I'd rather do it myself, relatively on purpose. :-)

Oh, and I have a good half-dozen e-mail addresses, and I sometimes forget to check them, so please don't be offended if I don't get back to you immdietely.

The guestbook has been removed from my page. I decided the good entries weren't worth the bad ones. Besides, that way I can prove to myself that I'm not just looking for attention.

Looking back over the entries, I don't think the criticism was justified. Although there's nothing particularly deep there, it's much more literate than some of the diaries on the site.

And since I'm still feeling just a bit vindicative, I think this might be the diary of whoever wrote the above. http://nose-bleed.diaryland.co m/ There isn't a guestbook though.

The e-mail they left was nose_bleed@email.com, which sounds fake. I haven't tried it yet.

Keeping in mind that my gentler side may regret airing this, and that it is easy enough to put down someone else's address, use the knowledge wisely.

Fran, thank you for your support and indignation. The only things I've really "been through" are the hells I create in my mind, but you are perfectly right in defending everyone else here.

Can't even type in my own addy correctly . . .
Posted by @}---,--,--- -- on Wed Jan 24 00:54:28 2001 (#3106)

It ought to be http://im-a-cutter.diaryland.c om

Guess I really didn't want to share it, huh?