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Threads 701 to 750

Just popped in...
Posted by Marie on Fri Jan 5 22:15:24 2001 (#2530)

Hi guys... I just wanted to pop in to say goodbye... I haven't posted in about two weeks, and I hate leaving without a goodbye. I love all of you and you all have helped me so much. Thank you all for your kind words and good advice... Save a place for me in CANADA. ~hugs to the room~

Re: Just popped in...
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 6 10:42:21 2001 (#2539)

Why are you leaving..I've been wondering where you were and your email doesn't work. please email me I'm going through a rough patch at the moment

hello again
Posted by Michael on Sat Jan 6 01:41:52 2001 (#2532)

Hi. I thought i'd post again just in case anybody was worried about me not writing for a while (hehe , whatever...!). College on monday, new term...same old fucking people and teachers, ahhhhh. Lovely. I've got lots and lots and lots of work to do. Lots. And i don't really know if i'm able to do it, either because it's too hard or because i think i would go mad if i attempted. Drinking, however, seems to be a nice way out of this. It doesn't hurt as much as SI either. Drugs seem to help too. There are lots of new people here as well - not saying i'm a veteran or anything, i've been here a month. I'm really fucking fed up with these pills. MY mum checks them, makes sure i'm taking them, i can't be in a bad mood without them bitching at me and implying that i'm being depressed, i'm not fucking depressed! I'm not! I've not got bipolar depression, i just *like* to cut...it's not as if i do it all the time. Bloody doctors though...If i hadn't cried when i went there the first time, if i had acted calmly and serenly, then he would have probably prescribed paracetomol and lots of sleep! Fuck! The fact that it's all my fault makes it worse. But who am i to rant here...i have it sooooo good compared to other people here, probably...I'm sorry! I have. If you knew me, then you would be jealous! ALthough, maybe it's me being scared of jealousy, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!! I GET UPSET WHEN MY GIRLFREIND GETS SOMETHING EXPENSIVE!!!!

Re: hello again
Posted by Lost on Sat Jan 6 03:47:33 2001 (#2534)

"i have it sooooo good compared to other people here, probably...I'm sorry! I have. If you knew me, then you would be jealous!"

I would be jealous? i don't know but i didn't take that comment too well.

I don't think it would be a matter of JEALOUSY... I think maybe if u have a good life i might WISH that I had it... envy it... but be JEALOUS? no, not really. I think u used the wrong word.... cuz jealous does NOT fit in there... UNLESS of course u were trying to brag.... hmmmmm...

Re: hello again
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 6 10:47:53 2001 (#2540)

I think I know what you're tryimg to say ..that you feel like you have no right to be deppressed. This is not true ..I am sure you are a lovely person.. you're just not happy. I feel really numb from the paroxetine...I also drink too much you should read my posts of the last week!!. Oh dear there are no answers..I'm searching so hard

Re: hello again
Posted by Michael on Sat Jan 6 18:04:14 2001 (#2541)

See...i have this problem that i can't put across what i'm feeling, i mean - one word and i've upset someone. I'm sorry Fran, i didn't mean it to sound like that, i hate to put it down to this, but i didn't know what i was doing...i wasn't quite with *it*...i'm sorry...In retrospect that is quite insulting and egotistical. It's the fact that i write here, complain about things, but i'm sure most people here know what i'm talking about. I feel like i'm being patronising. Oh dear. Sorry again. Michael

Re: hello again
Posted by Michael on Sat Jan 6 18:06:14 2001 (#2542)

AAAAARGH! what am i like, sorry!!!!! i meant that to Lost, not Fran mainly...well, anybody who felt the same as Lost. I think i'll just shut up.

Re: hello again
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 6 18:47:13 2001 (#2543)

I was getting confused too. what I was doing was trying to explain to lost what I think you meant ...that you weren't being offensive and that you were actually being too HARD on yourself. Love you lots (as does everyone I'm sure including lost)

don't worry about it--- :)
Posted by Lost on Sat Jan 6 20:15:29 2001 (#2546)

yo, don't worry about it. I have a tendency to take things to the butt crack! :) i'm just always on the defense and whenever someone says something I don't think twice about what it might have meant. So its my fault. And you shouldn't hold back on what u think or say cuz thats not cool... who gives a shit what other people think. But then again who am I to say that-- I'm the one that always looks in the mirror and cries. ANYWAY... my bad for taking that offensively or whatever... I'm just a retard like that.

hello again
Posted by Michael on Sat Jan 6 01:43:50 2001 (#2533)

Re: hello again
Posted by rose on Sat Jan 6 19:18:09 2001 (#2545)

i am one of the new people. i just thought i would post you because it is nice to have people respond to what you have written. my mom is going to put me on some happy pill too. she's on it too. i know that i have a good life and everything still sucks and i feel bad for having a good life and feeling this way. sorry college sucks. i'm still in high school. are you the uk or australia? i am australian but i live in america. rose

well...
Posted by Ang on Sat Jan 6 04:06:09 2001 (#2535)

i'm doin good i'm SO sick bu i'm doin good i saw my bf for the first time in months on tusday so i'll be doin good for a couple weeks i feel like my problems are insignificant to your guyses but then when this joys feeling goes away i know i'll be bAck in my so depresed mood i hope u all are doing okay (what ever that means) and pls for me stay safe and keep the cutts shallow kisses ang

Hi again.,.,.,
Posted by Christine on Sat Jan 6 08:17:23 2001 (#2538)

Hay I'v been buzy.The other day I got drunk at work and I didnt think and I cut butnot bad.The nexy ady I gave a presentation on anger managment for a bunch of little kids.I really felt good about it this one kid loved my presentation.Seeing that I can change a life is the best feeling in the world and even though I dont have a home a soul or a mind I know I can always come here.I'm feeling really good right now just needed to share some happyness. *~Chrissy~*

Re: Hi again.,.,.,
Posted by Lost on Sat Jan 6 23:20:41 2001 (#2547)

YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYA for you!!! (cept for the fact that u got drunk at work! Lets hope u didn't accidentally poop in anyone's food or anything!) Anyway, I'm glad that ur in a good mood.

As for me... i've been sinking deeper and deeper into this "depression". I look in the mirror and am disgusted by what I see (its a lot worse than its ever been before!)-- and I have this like big heavy feeling in my heart and in my stomach. Like I'm really really worried about something as if something really bad is going to happen... BUT i don't have any reason to feel that way.

Anyway-- a BAD thing is that I started smoking again! actually i'm kind of happy because i missed smoking. but now I'm addicted AGAIN and i have to go through the pain of quitting AGAIN! But I don't think I'm gonna quit until I start coughing up blood again like last time. OH WELL.

About the china, dead person,getting "fixed&q
Posted by rose on Sat Jan 6 19:01:13 2001 (#2544)

ok I kinda just realized that my last post was kinda confusing. well today is my friends birthday. his name was timmy. he would be 15 today. he died in a jet ski accident while his family was vacationing in florida. everyone loved him. he was small for his age but one of the most lovable people i have ever known. he died agust 12. i don't like water to much now and i don't think i will ever ride a jet ski in the ocean. another thing that happened was one of my friends kids drowned a month before he died. she was 2 yrs. old. she drowned and her mom found her after she had been dead for half an hour. she died july 7 the same year my other friend died. i was really pissed off at my parents. here is where china and getting "fixed" come in. my parents are really really religious "church can fix anything" kind of people. i am the failure in the family. i am not happy enought and i am going to hell because i won't let god fix me. i have grown up in church and i am sick of it. i don't know what i believe anymore. i don't know if i believe in certain things just because that is what i have been told to believe my whole or because i actually believe in it. the year tim and sonia died my parents sent me too an orphange/boarding house in Mexico run by a church down there so the people down there could "help me get better". they send me to people all the time so i can "get better" god's way or something. i call it "getting fixed". this year they are sending me to china to live with some missionaries who are all big god people so the can "cure" me of myself. I hate it. because my parents sent me to mexico to "get fixed" i missed sonia's funeral and I really wanted to be there because i am really close with her mom. i am just angry at my whole family. the first time they found out i was cutting myself they didn't talk to me about it they just took me to church for a 2 1/2 hr counseling session. they didn't even take my scissors (what i use to cut) out of my room. the second time they found out was christmas eve and we fought until 2 in the morning christmas day. my dad kept yelling at me telling me i was stupid and that i was believing the lies of the devil and all i have to do is believe the truth. so i am the dumb idiot in the family because i believe in the lies of the devil. so they are sending me to china and making me go to another church "conseling" session. sorry i am dumping all this on you guys. today is very bad. i know i should stop cutting but i don't really want to. but i know that it really stresses my friends out and i live for my friends. i don't know why i actaully cut. even when i first started i didn't get that release feeling that i have read about in the personal stories. i really miss tim and sonia. it wasn't fair. neither of them deserved it. i feel like everyone in my life is dying or dead. a few of my friends have cancer and are dieing and it really sucks. i am trying to deal with it. i can't let my parents know that i am upset because then i will be even dumber than i already am. "he is in a better place so i need to get over it", is my parents speech. i want them to send me to china just because i want to get away from my family. the missionary people can't "fix" me so it doesn't really matter. i just have to come back happy and keep playing that game for almost everyone so i can be normal like everyone at church. rose

Re: About the china, dead person,getting "fix
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 13:30:16 2001 (#2555)

I grew up in a religious family too...but I broke away. You have to break away to be able to see everything objectively...you can be so indoctrinated to believe that you can't see straight. The way your parents are treating you is Not right... but we can't choose our parents. The church is so man made, it's all about principles and rules and reputations.... it doesn't care about peoples happiness. I'm not sure if I believe in god.. but if he does exist in some sort of form....I think it would be more likely to be in a buddist type form. Buddism centres around finding Yourself...it cares about peoples happiness. You are NOT BAD....I'm sure the devil is a manmade concept to frighten you into believing and hell also. You care about the world that's why you SI you are a good person and so even if hell did exist you would not be going there. I have a lot more to say about your post btu can't find the words right know. I know it's hard but please don't let what they are saying get to you. Feeling like you do is not your fault. When you finish hi school I reaaly recomend you travel the world see different places. I'll come with you we can do a journey of discovery together. I went to India last summer and Ii realised how much more there was ...I want everyone on this board to know that..to experience it. Rose love you lots email me anytime

Nuni's husband....
Posted by Lost on Sat Jan 6 23:30:51 2001 (#2548)

for some reason Nuni's husband just made me cry! not in a bad way... but he was online and I thought it was nuni and he told me that it wasn't and then he said he'd tell her that i was looking for her... and then he asked me if everything was ok... and for some reason, that just made me start crying uncontrolably. i don't know why... but i just think that the fact that someone who i have never talked to before took the time to even ask me if "everything is ok" just kind of touched my heart. I'm a dork though... don't mind me. I always am amazed by the LITTLE things....

and I think that that just made me realize that everything ISN'T ok. I always try to put up this big front like everything is fine. I don't let anyone see it. Even with you guys... whenever I talk to any of u... what do i do? I talk about farts and other stupid stuff like that and i act like I'm hyper and happy. Thats just another BIG part of my stupidity and not being able to show my feelings. Ok sorry I'll shut up..................

Re: Nuni's husband....
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 13:36:23 2001 (#2556)

Don't shut up and don't pretend. I hate having to pretend.. I am this happy, attractive,fun loving, always great person,. but it's not who I am it's who everyone expects me to be. I feel so factitious, so fake. I can't say I'm not okay. It's killing me..it's killing you too LOst. So at least be honest on this board ..FALL APART on this board. I have!!!!! I can't help it..the pressure of always being a together person. Always be honest...talk when you are nto okay Love you Lots

Re: Nuni's husband....
Posted by rose on Sun Jan 7 20:14:47 2001 (#2562)

i do that too but it doesn't make you stupid. whenever i put on the hyper and happy act i am just trying to protect myself and others. that doesn't make to much sense but it is how i feel. hardly anyone knows i have "problems"(an unhappy word). i would cry to if someone that didn't know me very well if i was ok. rose

Re: Nuni's husband....
Posted by sharon on Sun Jan 7 23:41:35 2001 (#2574)

i think that everyone pretends to some extent. i guess we feel like if we reveal the deepest part of ourselves and get rejected, then we've got nothing left. i do the happy act too, but we all just need to accept that there's a part of us that falls apart and cries and that feeling that way is not wrong, no matter what ppl say. so go ahead and fall apart, we'll pick you up and put you back together again no matter how many times you do it.

why me????
Posted by Anka on Sun Jan 7 03:53:37 2001 (#2550)

Why do I have to be the one thats unlucky? Why do I have to be the one I am?

I dont want to be me...I want to be anybody else....just not me...Right now I`m feeling very upset, I just feel like takimg a knife and cut myself apart...I dont want to be me...please somebody change with me???I cant stand this anymore....I just want to die...I feel like nobody cares...and dont say you care, cause it doesnt matter that much, sorry, all I want is for somebody near me to care!

Why is it so hard?Why cant anybody come here and take me away? Or why cant anybody care about me?

I guess its impossible to like/love me...but I just want someone to care...

I know I`m saying lots off werd stof now, but I have necer been so down...I feel so down it wount help to cut, I feel like the only thing that can help me is to kill my self...sorry for beeing so up front her, but I feel like shit now....

Is anybody online???? Please...

Anka

Re: why me????
Posted by Lost on Sun Jan 7 04:09:10 2001 (#2551)

here I go being a bitch again...

BUUUTT if you don't want us to say we care because it "really doesn't matter" then what was the point of the post. Obviously u don't give to shits what we have to say if it "really doesn't matter" so really there was no reason for u to post ur message right? If we "really don't matter" then what do u expect us to do for you? People who "really don't matter" can't help anyone... because they "really don't matter!".

I totally understand the feeling of needing someone RIGHT THERE to care for you... and the feeling of having no way out but to die... but please, don't tell us that we "really don't matter" because i think we DO matter

Re: why me????read this Lost
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 13:41:49 2001 (#2557)

Anka Hold on ...I know how you're feeling. Lost doesn't mean to be so horrible. When I've been feeling really low I've pusheed everyone away from me too. I think you meant that we couldn't help because we are on the otherside of a computer and that right at that moment WORDS meant nothing...that you just neeeded someone there in your life that cared but even then that wouldn't be enough. I know I can't help but you can email me anytime. Just vent on this board or to me. And if there is ever anything I can do

Re: why me????
Posted by rose on Sun Jan 7 20:21:37 2001 (#2563)

that makes sense to me but please don't hurt youself. i know it is hard when you have no one close by to care for you. i know that even though you do care about what we have to say it doesn't help to terrible much when people from the board or anyone else can't come over and give you a hug or whatever you need. i hate myself and i wish i was someone who seems happy and content. hold on ok. rose

Re: why me????
Posted by Anka on Sun Jan 7 22:23:47 2001 (#2568)

I`m sorry...I didnt mean to hurt any of you by saying that whatever you guys say it doesnt matter. It does, I was just so upset yesterday, and drunk and didnt know what I was saying. I`m sorry....

not cutting
Posted by laura rose on Sun Jan 7 09:40:59 2001 (#2553)

so, i haven't cut in about 2 and a half days... but i really feel the need to do it right now.. I'm not sure why... I read SImon's post about the closing the eyes and taking your chances thing... I've done that before and it sounds like a good idea again.. man.. things are going okay now too.. maybe that's why i'm doing it... just to mess up something that is going good.

~laura

Re: not cutting
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 13:47:18 2001 (#2558)

Oh laura I don't know what to say other than I'm here and do what you need . If you need to cut then you should do it...don't put pressure on yourself to try and reach unnattainable goals. I think twoand a half days is brilliant ..thats really strong

Re: not cutting
Posted by rose on Sun Jan 7 20:25:36 2001 (#2564)

that is great that you haven't cut in two and a half days. but if you do today then thats fine. you don't have to stop all at once. rose

Beautiful places and unhappy memories
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 16:00:55 2001 (#2559)

I live in a very beautiful part of England. I'm looking out the window now and I can see a valley surrounded by woods. I can see a lake which is part of an old stately home that I can also see ( the reason I can see all this is that I am on the third floor of my house). On the otherside from the other window- just pure countryside , the woods,trees and little else.There are fields and fields, the sun is shining and my village looks beautiful, it's a perfect picture. I have all this and I'm not happy. It has not made me happy. If you all came here I'm so sure it would help you....a sort of a mini Canada. But for me it hasn't changed anything. Maybe it's because of people in my life and not where I've lived. It makes me so sad that a place like this can bring so many unhappy memories when it has so much potential to heal. So maybe Canada would help me because as well as a beautiful place...the people there would be MY FRIENDS and not my past. I've been doing a lot of thinking these past days...thinking about life questions. I'm not sure if Canada could help me ...I believed in it so much and now I seem to be lsing faith.

does anyone else like 'the Cranberries' I like these words from a song called 'Empty' 'somthing has left my life/And I don't know where it went to/somebody caused me strife/And it's not what I was seeking/

didn't you see me, didn't you hear me/ didn't you see me standing there.

why did you turn out the lights/did you know that I was sleeping.

say a prayer for me/help me to feel the strength I did/My identity has it been taken/is my heart breaking on me.

oh my plans fell through my hands/they fell/through my hands/oh my dreams fell/ it suddenly seems empty/ my dreams seem so empty

Re: Beautiful places and unhappy memories
Posted by rose on Sun Jan 7 20:06:56 2001 (#2561)

i know what you mean about beautiful places not helping b/c of the memories. i liked the song but i've never heard of the band but i will look them up on the internet. thanks so much for posting a response on my last post. it helped me. i have always wanted to go to india since i was little. it would be fun. who knows maybe one day there really will be a house in canada. you can email me too when you figure out the rest of what you wanted to say about my post. i would really like to hear what you have to say.

ADDICTIONS
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Jan 7 19:46:08 2001 (#2560)

Bleh! Am I just extremely prone to becoming attatched/addicted so easily... or is it all in my head? I mean... dude... cutting. Boys. COFFEE!!! I can't live without coffee... I need it. I love it. I'd die without it! This was pointless...

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by rose on Sun Jan 7 20:29:25 2001 (#2565)

i guess this is pointless too but I LOVE COFFEE!!! i love the way it smells, tastes, looks. i live on coffee. rose

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by Lost on Sun Jan 7 22:30:59 2001 (#2569)

coffee makes me poop :) I can't drink it!

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by Baleigh on Mon Jan 8 01:03:57 2001 (#2576)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was the funiest shit I've heard the past 4 months! No pun intended!

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by Butterfly on Mon Jan 8 00:19:02 2001 (#2575)

coffee?? yuk! coffee sucks :P

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by Bae on Mon Jan 8 01:05:43 2001 (#2578)

:P to you too! Coffee doesn't like you either! It told me! :P :P :P :P

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by Baleigh on Mon Jan 8 01:04:25 2001 (#2577)

Mmmmm.... Lattes are the best!

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by Lost on Mon Jan 8 01:28:26 2001 (#2581)

I love the taste of coffee (only when its like 1/2 milk 1/4 sugar and 1/4 coffee... but my booty just WON'T deal with it. But anyway I thought those little like COLD coffe things in the bottle would be different so i went and bought one at school... and uhhhh it WASN'T different... my ass was on fire the whole day and i was mad.... so :þ to coffee bcuz i'm MAD that I can't drink it!!!

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by SImon on Mon Jan 8 01:36:27 2001 (#2582)

MMMMmmmmm Latte....im off 2 get 1 now. so much for sleep. i have an exam at uni tomorrow - thank very much!!!!

who know "thank u" by Dido? It rocks (in an Alanis Morrisete kinda way)

SImon

Re: ADDICTIONS
Posted by SImon on Mon Jan 8 01:36:44 2001 (#2583)

MMMMmmmmm Latte....im off 2 get 1 now. so much for sleep. i have an exam at uni tomorrow - thanx very much!!!!

who know "thank u" by Dido? It rocks (in an Alanis Morrisete kinda way)

SImon

I AM SICK OF LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 21:17:50 2001 (#2566)

the I have been talking about in my recent posts ('I'm a mess' etc.) the one who went to Edinburgh university, well the situation has just got worse. He told someone I was a psycho, he has also been talking very badly about me. He told his friends he was just using me and that he didn't really care about me. After all this he still wants sex when he comes back for holidays. I can't believe him. I'm so angry .I'm SO HURT.The guy (a friend of his) who told me what he had been saying said he couldn't tell me everything he had said because it would be too hurtful. I don't even know all that has been said and I'm a paranoid person. II knew he was using me BUT i thought he liked me...it doesn't matter that lots of other people say I'm attractive and gorgeous BECAUSE HE DOESN'T give a shit about me. If I was really all this ..WHY HAS HE TREATED ME THIS WAY. I was going to let him use me all I expected in return was alittle respect when he talked about me. was that too much to ask???????. He's far away and I don't know if I can talk to him on the , I was thinking of sending him a text message but what can I say. WHY HAS HE DONE THIS TOO ME. He also said I was a pushover and that he could get anything he wanted from me and would give it too him, which is true it makes me feel sick but it's true, but he's made me into a slag. THE WORST thing is I liked him , I still like him. He's treated me SO badly, maybe I deserved it. I need someone else to be angry for me, because I feel guilty if I'm angry , I wonder if I should be angry . I want you to tell me honestly what you think of this guy. I know it's stupid but at the moment this is effecting every hour of my day .I'm SO UPSET. What can I DO TO MAKE HIM REALISE WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME WITHOUT SEEMING PATHETIC??????????. Maybe people look at me & decide I deserve to be walked all over.

Re: I AM SICK OF LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME
Posted by Linda on Sun Jan 7 21:35:51 2001 (#2567)

NO Fran, you do not deserve to be walked over. This guy is not worth your love. Love is accepting the good and the bad about a person and committing to care for them despite all that. If you feel you must give him everything to get him, HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. I would not even acknowlege his existence again. If he comes back to visit I would treat him as if nothing happened and that he was NOTHING to you. He will walk on you ONLY if YOU let him. I don't mean that you should be "Psycho" as you have said he has called you. I mean you should just treat him like you would any other male that you had no intention of becoming involved with. I know it will be hard but you CAN do it. Get involved with something else you enjoy doing. You see, as a Christian, the Holy Spirit can renew your mind daily and that is the hope we have. He(the Holy Spirit) has our best interest at heart at all times. Wish I could help. Love, Linda

Re: I AM SICK OF LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 22:31:49 2001 (#2570)

This is the very long and angry text message I've just sent to the guy . It went roughly like this.... 1st message:Just because I said I didn't care about what anyone thought it was not an invitation to slag me off on the car journey to Edinburgh. I maybe 'a Psycho' as you put it but I had enough self control not to tell anyone about YOUR visits to a psychiatrist. Then there's the people you told about my fucked up wrist cutting. Do you have a conscience?. I can't believe I defended you all those times people talked about you. Well if you ever need anymore info to slag me off with, phone anytime. 2nd message: I forgot to say good luck with your degree course i hope it goes very well for because unlike you I actually care about people's happiness. 3rd message: P.P.S don't use this to make yourself look good don't you think you've insulted me already.

Re: I AM SICK OF LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME
Posted by Baleigh on Mon Jan 8 01:08:21 2001 (#2579)

Yup yup! Fran we have so much in common when it comes to this subject! Once again I know exactly how you feel! Mine went around and told everyone what we did too... probably told them I was easy too... and that he used me and never liked me! Bleh! : ( I'm sorry he did that to you though! Go cut off his important parts...

Re: I AM SICK OF LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME
Posted by SImon on Mon Jan 8 02:07:52 2001 (#2585)

On behalf of all blokes out there, evil or otherwise - dont cut of our todgers. Please. its not a very nice thing 2 do!

SI mon

Re: I AM SICK OF LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME
Posted by rose on Mon Jan 8 19:56:02 2001 (#2597)

what a jackass! forget him he will only hurt you and he will probably get pleasure in knowing that he has hurt you. one thing i have realized about guys is they never realize how much they have hurt you. he will just justify his actions. he is probably proud of what he said. guys love to be in control and i think it is sick. i have gone out with guys like this before and you should just leave and forget him. it is probably hard but it is probably for the best. i always end up going out with guys who i know don't love me, don't care who i am as a person, and they are always in it for themselves. but it makes me feel better when i do go out with them because i can pretend that i am the princess and he is the knight in shining armour who is there to save me. i always crave affection and sercurity and i always go to guys for that. i think they way he treated he is absolutely awful and i don't even know him but i am angry at him. you have every right to be angry. you don't deserve to be treated like this. i don't know what else to say. rose

Going crazy-Another trip to the doctors!
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 7 22:45:01 2001 (#2571)

My mum thinks I should the doctor again because I'm going crazy and I haven't prepared for any of my exams and my first ones tomorrow. She doesn't think I'm well enough to do them. I'm not well enough I'm going crazy.... especially the recent stab at my esteem a.k.a this guy. I've been see a psychiatrist and a councellor but I still get worse. I'm in the wilderness at the moment. The only writing I can do is on this board and my emails. Quite a few people have been telling me that education is the only thing that matters...thats making me worse I know it is and I'M FAILING. I one BIG FAILURE in every sense of the word *failure*= a falling short, or cessation:lack of success:decay:to fall away:to disappoint:an unsuccessful person.

Re: Going crazy-Another trip to the doctors!
Posted by rose on Mon Jan 8 20:00:46 2001 (#2598)

hey me too. my exams are tomorrow and i haven't studied at all. i am failing most of my classes and my parents are very angry at me. tomorrow i have to go see this conselor person (church counselor) and i really don't want to but i don't really have a choice. you are not a failure. school being so important is just something society has done. there is much more to life than school. rose

an idea
Posted by Kate on Sun Jan 7 23:08:48 2001 (#2572)

I have an idea if there is someone who wants to leave the post for a while they write in. Or if they haven't been there in a while they can stop in just to say they are okay like Marie, Christine and others did. I think we will all be able to rest easier if we know everyone is okay. Just an idea.

Re: an idea
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Jan 7 23:16:37 2001 (#2573)

I'm okay! Just been busy since I started my job that's all. Making envelopes and getting papercuts. Is that ironic or what?!?!?

Love, DB

I'M STILL ALIVE!!!!!!
Posted by Baleigh on Mon Jan 8 01:10:13 2001 (#2580)

Yup... like I said. Just thought I'd help out with your idea! : )

my grrrillll
Posted by melissa on Mon Jan 8 01:50:48 2001 (#2584)

i miss you lost. i dont have anyone. im so alone. kay come back to me. i wrote you. write me back cuz ive been waiting. i love you. im sorry im such a penis. muah xoxoxo

Re: my grrrillll
Posted by Lost on Mon Jan 8 04:37:46 2001 (#2587)

heheh u said penis :)

LOST where did you go???
Posted by Nuni on Mon Jan 8 07:48:58 2001 (#2590)

what happened, you we were having a good chat. I hope you are OK! maybe I can catch you tomorrow! Hugs Nuni

other ppl
Posted by melissa on Mon Jan 8 03:37:31 2001 (#2586)

you guys are great. im thankful for knowing you. i went to a chat room called suicide/hope/depression i was yelled at judged offered no support. it hurt really bad. i want to die sooo bad. i dont want help see i what i want is for ppl to know why i did it. i dont want then to spend their lives wondering y. im a sick. am i mean, tel me the truth please i wont be offended. y are ppl so cruel? y is he leaving what plan does "god" have for me? i dont believe. i dont believe in anything other than free will. i have free will. y wont i do it. i know why. i wont kill myself bcuz im worried abot other ppl. when i do it will i cause a chain reaction?

melisssa

Re: other ppl
Posted by rose on Mon Jan 8 20:05:02 2001 (#2599)

i don't know why ppl are mean. maybe it is to cover up for there own insecuritys and fears. please don't kill yourself. i don't know if it would cause a chain reaction but i do know it would deeply affect everyone on this board. rose

HELLO
Posted by Nuni on Mon Jan 8 07:43:13 2001 (#2588)

Hey guys, its been slow around here lately. DB, I hope your job is going ok. I e- mailed you recently. Im not sure if you wanted me to, but anyway.. ummmm not much going on really trying to fight off the demons, they are sharp little fuckers Hehehe

Re: HELLO
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Jan 8 19:06:25 2001 (#2594)

Hi Nuni,

I tried e-mailing you back and my message bounced back so you never got it. Was it an aol address? Can't remember. Anyway, I DID write you, it just didn't send it right so I'll try again, maybe after work tonight.

Love you, DB

ME AGAIN
Posted by Nuni on Mon Jan 8 07:45:48 2001 (#2589)

everyone take care of yourselves! I got to know a lot of great people. I will be around! ;)

Its nice to know your all hear
Posted by Christine on Mon Jan 8 12:06:45 2001 (#2591)

Well I only get the chance to wright every otherday or so and even then I cant think of anything to say.I havent been on for a while my mom hogs the stupid puter and wont let me on.Right now its like 6 in the morning I couldnt sleep so I figured I'd use some time and catch up on the posts and what not.My mom is really anoying.Sometimes I wanna just kick her in the throat I know thats mean shes my mom and I love her but she really pushes my buttons well I have to get ready adn take a shower and all that other good stuff *~bye~*

Re: Its nice to know your all hear
Posted by Lost on Mon Jan 8 15:34:26 2001 (#2593)

hahah u said "kick her in her throat" nice little modification on MY WORDS! :) Yeah I've seen her online before and *I* wanna kick her in her forehead when I realize that its her and NOT you!! grrrr!!! hhehe its like 6:30 in the morning right now... I guess where both crack heads that are just up a LITTLE to early! I know what u mean about moms... but sometimes I feel that my mom is just being CRUEL. me and her went to a bunch of different stores yesterday... and at the first one, she made me feel worthless.... the second one she made feel like i was a stupid lazy piece of shit... and the 3rd one, well shit! by the 3rd one i was already crying!!!--- but unlike your case, I'm not sure if that means that she's just my mom and i love her... because i've been REALLY starting to doubt that lately.

i cut
Posted by gismo on Mon Jan 8 15:21:07 2001 (#2592)

i cut about an hour ago it was really bad i need to know that im not alone

Re: i cut
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Jan 8 19:13:02 2001 (#2595)

Hi Gismo,

(cute name!) You aren't alone. Someone from here is usually always online and we're here if you need us. If you have AIM my screen name is DeliriousB. Most of us are on it so we can talk. Lost is on there a lot. She's hilarious. I laugh out loud at the stuff she says. Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh, okay. Got it! I used to get freaked out when I cut sometimes. I haven't cut for over a month, but I scratched my arm a bit at work last week. I'm constantly amazed at how mych it helps to talk to someone who has the same problems as me, or at least similar ones. Remember, if you have AIM, find me and I'll talk to ya. I usually don't get online until about midnight eastern time cause I leave work at 11.

Love, DB

Re: i cut
Posted by rose on Mon Jan 8 19:47:03 2001 (#2596)

you're not. rose

Re: i cut
Posted by butterfly on Mon Jan 8 22:57:06 2001 (#2601)

nope, you're certainly not alone, just look at all the people who post here.

Re: i cut
Posted by Weeping Willow on Fri Jan 12 20:36:03 2001 (#2673)

hey your not alone, i cut everytime i have an urge. not matter where i am and i lied i dont weep i cut if you need some one to talk to instant message me if you have it at b89willow ok

Have you ever?
Posted by Nyt Myst on Mon Jan 8 20:24:46 2001 (#2600)

Have any of you ever wanted to cut day in and day out? I mean, to where the urge is so overwhelming that it just doesn't go away?

Re: Have you ever?
Posted by butterfly on Mon Jan 8 23:14:50 2001 (#2602)

yeah i have. i'd love to just cut and cut and cut, it seems to be the only thing i really want to do. I day dream about what it'd be like to rip my arms open. But i try hard not to, because of the scars, because i don't want people to know.

You have to hold onto anything you can, anything good in your life, think about it before you cut, then you might be able to stop yourself. Try to occupy your self with something you enjoy doing.

Please hold on. love Butterfly

Re: Have you ever?
Posted by rose on Tue Jan 9 01:09:40 2001 (#2604)

yes i get that a lot. i don't really know why. i mean i could be having a great day and i will just have this incredible urge to cut. i haven't cut since a little while after christmas but i still get the urges to. rose

TV programmes that might interest you
Posted by butterfly on Tue Jan 9 00:33:59 2001 (#2603)

for people in the UK only :(

if i remember right there is a programme on BBC1 tomorrow (Tuesday) 10:40pm i think, something to do with depression. And on Wednesday there is something on BBC2 about improving self confidence.

I know i need to improve my self confidence :)

Journal Sharing Time
Posted by Baleigh on Tue Jan 9 02:07:41 2001 (#2605)

I dunno about ya'll but I do ALL my thinking in the shower. It's really weird... some of the things that I come up with in there. Anyway! A miny (why doesn't that look right... did I spell it wrong? DUH) epiphany occured this afternoon while I was scrubing all those nasty school germs off my body. I mean... I actually got out of the shower to write what just popped into my head in my journal... I'm a dork... but onward!

*The one thing in the world that I control - controls my life. Yet I have no control over it controlling my life - so my control is completely false. The purpose is defeated and I guess either way I'm fucked.*

I don't know why I'm sharing that with you. I guess becasue I was proud about it. Though it probably doesn't mean a damned thing to you guys...

Baleigh

Re: Journal Sharing Time
Posted by Christine on Tue Jan 9 04:38:26 2001 (#2606)

I understand what your saying or at least I think I do.I can realate.You control the SI and how much pain u feel,then the SI starts to become an addiction, soon the addiction controls what u once controled.Wow I'm starting to confuse myself.

Re: Journal Sharing Time
Posted by melissa on Tue Jan 9 15:59:30 2001 (#2612)

Hi...I too have started a journal when I am feeling the need to self injure. I have found that in doing this it keeps my hands busy and that I also think and remember things that happened in the past that led to me doing self injury....Writing in a journal is a good outlet and I hope that it continues to work for you....I find writing about things that happened years ago sometimes can help better explain my behaviors of hurting myself....hope that this helps you too......

Re: Journal Sharing Time
Posted by Bae on Wed Jan 10 03:41:14 2001 (#2624)

Oh... no no no. See... I think the journal only eggs my SI on... like... (this is gross) I smear the blood all in it and shit... God... Im a freak

Baleigh!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Jan 9 18:47:13 2001 (#2616)

That is the MOST existential thing I've ever read!!! You don't even realize how deep you are. I love epiphanies! You should be proud of that! Hey, can I quote you, if I everget around to updating my site?!? I LOVE that one!

Love, DB

Re: Baleigh!!!
Posted by sharon on Tue Jan 9 21:42:36 2001 (#2619)

baleigh, i love it!!!!! and melissa, i know what you mean with the journal writing, it helps you figure stuff out. wow, coupla deep and profound ppl here! love and hugs, sharon

Re: Baleigh!!!
Posted by Bae on Wed Jan 10 03:43:31 2001 (#2626)

: ) Hehehehe... thanks!

Re: Baleigh!!!
Posted by Bae on Wed Jan 10 03:42:30 2001 (#2625)

Awwwwww!!!! Thank you! I've always thought that I wasn't a very 'deep' person... ehhehe... you made me smile! You can use it anywhere you like, Love! Love you!

Re: Journal Sharing Time
Posted by rose on Thu Jan 11 05:13:46 2001 (#2640)

makes perfect sense to me and I give a damn. It was profound. rose

I have a lump...
Posted by Christine on Tue Jan 9 04:45:09 2001 (#2607)

Well I found a lump on my cheast.I'm scared cuz I dunno what it is my mom made a doctors appointment but its not till tomarrow.Its not really big its kinda the size of a peanut.Its kinda itchy 2.I'm only 16 I'm too young to have breast cancer.I'm being a little melo-dramatic here.It's just that cancer runs in my family and last year my nana died of breast cancer.I'm hoping its just a cysit and they'll give me some meds and it'll go away.Well I have to go do some stuff *~bye~*

Re: I have a lump...
Posted by Kate on Tue Jan 9 04:50:46 2001 (#2608)

Christine I am so sorry you must be so scared but I doubt it is cancer, it is probably a benign lump or something. Good luck. Let me know as soon as you find out. I am here for you.

Love, Kate

Re: I have a lump...
Posted by sharon on Tue Jan 9 21:44:15 2001 (#2620)

christine, wow, you must be scared. hang in there ok? i hope everything turns out ok, let us know ok? hugs, sharon

Re: I have a lump...
Posted by Bae on Wed Jan 10 03:46:27 2001 (#2627)

I'll be thinkin about ya!! I know what it's like to think you have cancer. I went to the dermo to get meds ofr my acne... saw a mole that was right above my boobie... well... he felt the need to scare the shit out of me and cut the thing off... wait... lemme put that more vividly... he SCRAPED it off witha razor... (I'm sure that doesn't help any... huh?) Perhaps I got my SI from that!

Re: I have a lump...
Posted by Christine on Sun Jan 14 06:48:06 2001 (#2733)

Thank goodness its only a cyst and I'm taking this pill that the size of a horse pill.Its the new agmentin u only take it twice a day.It's huge!And I was lucky cuz the cyst was right under my skin and if I had waited any longer to get it cheaked out it might have gone into the breast tissue.Bae I have a mole thingy too.Mine is right under my breast.I have one on my side too. Well I'm so glad it wasent anything sereouse.I have to go to the dermatologest though I need some cream for my face and he'll cheak to see if the lump is compleatly broken down.

Re: I have a lump...
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Jan 14 23:24:36 2001 (#2754)

: ) I'm glad that your okay! I know the mole thing scared the shit outta me! LoL... but i have 'something' right under my boobie too... a hem... but it's a 3rd nipple.. No joke! It's not like it's the normal size of a normal nipple... just looks like a bug bite! : ) Dunno why I told you that though!

Bae

i can't stop i just keep cutting deeper and deeper
Posted by Ang on Tue Jan 9 05:46:32 2001 (#2609)

omg all this drama just went down with me and my bf and i keep cutting i can't stop i've never cut more than 2 cutts in one night i did like 10 and there deeper than i've ever cutt HELP ME i'm so scared

Re: i can't stop i just keep cutting deeper and de
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Jan 10 03:49:04 2001 (#2628)

Awww!! Are you okay? I hope you are! And I really hope that things get better with your bf! Boys are silly... mean... jerks! : ) Feel better hun!

Re: i can't stop i just keep cutting deeper and de
Posted by Ang on Wed Jan 10 17:12:29 2001 (#2629)

well things are MUCh better between me and my bf had little crises now its aken care of and were so much better and SO in love but ubnfortinaly my arm is So not happy with me its weird though i used to get scratch marks u know those scabs that are all red and weird i don't get those any more it just bleeds prously and closes its self up weird huh any ways i Love all of u so much (thanks for he e-mail linda) any way iu better go i'm a school :P by the way if y'all didn't know i'm 16 almost 17 and live in cali and that damn bf of mine i OLD so u'll see a lot of issues around that on my posting LOVE AND HUGGS ANG

a rape poem i just wrote.
Posted by laura rose on Tue Jan 9 08:56:23 2001 (#2610)

Hey guys... I just wrote this... and um.. I want to share it with you guys.. don't ask me why.. but any way.. maybe some of you can relate to it....

God! Get out of my head! Quit invading my dreams and my thoughts. My mind is tired of you and your selfishness. Keep yourself vague. I don't want you anymore. Did you enjoy it? Did my cunt taste good to your perverted mouth? God, I'm a whore. You're whore. Where's the big pay-off? Your checks are probably bad too. Almost as bad as those words you used to keep me silent. And keep you violent. How many others came before me? Two? Three? Ten? And how many came after? Or did they not come at all? I know I didn't God... Fuck you! Fuck you and your ideals. Fuck your lack of morals. Fuck the devil that bribed you. What did you leave me? This body? Is that it? For giving you my life, you give this broken piece of shit in return? You are more fucked up than I realized. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am I? Why are you still here, you fucking bastard? Go away! Let me sleep! Just die already, will ya? I hate you! You could never realize the malicious intent that falls upon your head every night in my dreams. Oh God, I would love slit your throat. I would love to eat your heart out. There is a bullet with your name on it. Then why is this gun pointed at my head? See what you've done to me? It's called rape, motherfucker! Rot in hell, motherfucker! Die motherfucker!!!

~laura rose

Re: a rape poem i just wrote.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Jan 9 18:23:51 2001 (#2614)

You rule!!! I love you, chicky! And the poem is very powerful, by the way!

xoxoxo, DB

Re: a rape poem i just wrote.
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 13 12:01:51 2001 (#2707)

words are beyond me.. I felt such anger reading your words, the hell he's put you through. I want him to suffer, to suffer and scream from the pain I'm inflicting on him, I want him to live in eternal hell. And you know what this isn't enough, there will never be enough to punish him. keep writing Laura . Keep surviving

my injuries
Posted by melissa on Tue Jan 9 15:55:54 2001 (#2611)

I have been a self injurious person as far as my recollection started at the age of 9. I am now 36 years old and still continue to self injure. I have scars all over my body some in places that are discreete and then there are others that are just out there. I pick at open wounds. I feel that it is part of me and if anything is a descriptive factor in who I am and what I have become. I feel that I have earned those scars and carry them for the rest of my life. I never wear shorts or short sleeve shirts....I am aware of how I look and I do feel guilty and shameful but for the brief time while doing the action the release of stress and emtions is greater...if anyone would like to talk to me would love to hear from them...my family still doesn't understand why I do this and thinks that it is a habit that I am not willing to quit....

Re: my injuries
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Jan 9 18:35:17 2001 (#2615)

Hi, My name is Lori, but I post under DeliriousButterfly. I'm 23 and I started cutting when I was around 14 or 15. It's a control issue for me. I know it sounds trite, but we understand how you feel. No one forces anyone else to try to stop. We encourage each other if someone wants to quit and offer first aid advice for others. It has been so comforting to me to know that the people who come here know how I feel. I just love every single person here to pieces and Laura is like the best friend I have in the whole world! Most of us talk on AIM to each other. It's a lot of fun. We can talk about anything with each other because our big secret is out in the open. Anyway, if you're on AIM, I'm DeliriousB. You can e-mail too, if you want.

Love, DB

Re: my injuries
Posted by MELISSA on Wed Jan 10 01:03:41 2001 (#2622)

OH I JUST POSTED DOWN BELOW ABOUT YOU. WELL NOW I KNOW

THIS MELISSA

sleep
Posted by Kate on Tue Jan 9 18:59:02 2001 (#2617)

I have so much trouble sleeping at night. I lay awake for four or five hours fall asleep at one wake up at four fall asleep at six wake up at eight go back to sleep at eleven and wake up at twelve. I hate it I am awake at night a sleep during the day. I even take melatonin which my mom lets me. Does anyone have any ideas how I can fall asleep and stay asleep til the morning.

Re: sleep
Posted by Ang on Wed Jan 10 17:16:51 2001 (#2630)

hy honey i have the same problem its so hard i feel ur pain i go to bed at ike 5am and get up at 6am and thats on a good day some days i don't get any sleep for a couple days :( how old r u? any ways feel better and i wish i hada solution for u kises ang

Re: sleep
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 11 01:11:18 2001 (#2635)

I am 22. How old are you? Where do you live?

Re: sleep
Posted by Ang on Thu Jan 11 03:48:38 2001 (#2638)

i'm almost 17 and i live in CA e-mail me some time

Re: sleep
Posted by Christine on Sun Jan 14 06:57:25 2001 (#2734)

try taking 75mg's of benadril it'll put u to sleep.If that doesnt work ummmmm.... contact your phasician.lol I sound all mature

THE OTHER MELISSA
Posted by MELISSA on Wed Jan 10 01:01:12 2001 (#2621)

SOMEONE ELSE IN HERE HAS MY NAME OR IS USING IT, HMM. THE LAST THING I POSTED WAS" OTHER PPL" ANYTHING AFTER THAT UNTIL THIS, WITH MY NAME IS NOT ME. WOW.

THIS MELISSA

TOMARROW
Posted by Nyt Myst on Wed Jan 10 01:27:20 2001 (#2623)

Tomarrow will be the second time I will celebrate a month of being cut free. Last time, 3 days after the month, I cut. Wonder what will happen this time. I may not be cutting, but I'm slowly turning back to bulimia, and taking too many energy pills that suppress my appetite and wire me up. If not for talking to my crush a few weeks back, I would have cut myself last night. I was trying to find a place that would be easy to hide, and where the scar would remain semi-unnoticed. My hand was perfect, but then Mike's words came to me, and I set the blade down. I have to go shopping for a homecomeing dress soon, I don't know how I will cover my arm, maybe another sash like last year. The people on my other forum just ignore me, I was hoping to find solace here, if not, I'll keep looking elsewere. Thanks for listening to my endless babble.

Re: TOMARROW
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jan 11 00:36:39 2001 (#2633)

wow, i am really proud of you for going a month, i think that the most i've done is about a month. that is really brave and strong! good luck on the homecoming dress, i'm sure that you will look drop dead gorgeous! well, when you do celebrate tomorrow, just know that you've got a friend here, thinking of, and celebrating with you!!! hugs and kisses, sharon

((((SHARON))))
Posted by Nyt Myst on Thu Jan 11 01:22:55 2001 (#2636)

Thanks for the words of encouragement, I really needed them. The people on my other site are ignoring me mostly, maybe I'll find a friend here. Hugs, Nyt Myst

Re: TOMARROW
Posted by Christine on Sun Jan 14 07:01:57 2001 (#2735)

What about those long gloves thats what I'm wearing to the prom.I'm gonna get the ones that go almost to the top of your arm I think I'm good then

Re: TOMARROW
Posted by Nyt Myst on Mon Jan 15 19:02:37 2001 (#2773)

Well, that will cover the light scars, but I have some pretty big scars on my shoulder/upper arm.

sweetsoursweetsoursweetsour
Posted by beautiful and dying on Wed Jan 10 19:56:45 2001 (#2631)

The killer in me is the killer in you my love…it’s not like I expected it to go right or anything but it’s all gone wrong everything’s gone wrong everything’s broken now I am my own experience my own shit experience why why why tell me angel with your perfect wings which shine in the light glow when it’s dark and lead the way every time I lose it you’re always there and you never leave my side how do I cope anymore when every time I look at you I feel the jealousy this hate is born from love because you’re so fucking beautiful so fucking wonderful so pretty perfect when will it all go wrong for you talented amazing sweet honey you do no wrong you do all right I want to be everything you are I want to be everything I’m not and every time I stare into the sun angel dust and my life just comes undone I need you when the rain begins to fall you promised me you’d always be there but where are you now you said we’d get through it all together but where are you when my head caves in where are you when my wrists start to bleed where are you when I can’t get off the floor because I’m so dead and tired and hurt to even move anymore where does every one go it must be an island I don’t have the map so alone you told me you’d always care always be there I can’t cope without the contact but no one has someone by their side forever do we now I want to be perfect for you just like you so we can hug up in the piles of baby pink spring blossom and it’s soft just like the feathers and when it gets dark tuck me up in the autumn leaves and promise me it’ll all be alright take my hand and let me cry with you cry my baby blue tears murky black from those little black lines that circle my tired burning eyes it stings darling baby it stings but I deserve the pain can you see my tears reflecting in your baby blue eyes and I see how much it hurts you I see how I hurt you nearly as much as I hurt me and baby I’m sorry for that but what can I do being helpless I can’t even help me anymore even the sparkle fades away even the hope dies but people like you angels like you there always the ones that keep me strong the pain just keeps me strong and without it I’m nothing nothing nothing keeps me up at night it’s the nothing that hurts the most and it’s the nothing that is actually everything that I can’t tell anyone because I don’t know where to start because I don’t know where it ends because I don’t know anything which isn’t hurt or jealousy or all this fucking selfishness it’s all about me these days heartless absolutely fucking hopeless heartless that as well any more because I want to be perfect and the nothing is the big hurt that makes me the me that sucks and sugar sweet perfect lover in my bed and gun to my head I want to be everything I am nothing and should be nothing I know I’ll never be your Barbie but I’ll be one of those crappy rag dolls you threw out years ago she sits on the bin but she’s too scared to jump in but too scared to escape she looks like she used to be so loved and happy but now she’s no one with the tattered chewed up hands and the fake little smile that sits there all day no matter how crap she feels in her lonely head loneliness has followed all my life and the big lost kitten eyes and her stuffing’s all falling out but no one thinks to sew her up they just hope it doesn’t get any worse ignore it and it’ll all go away it’s not my concern she thinks she’s ugly but someone somewhere must want her she’ll go to heaven they say these things don’t last forever but yes baby they do and they will I hoped that somehow you would save me from this darkness but the darkness shrouds me safes me and kills me a safe haven of nothing and everything my little smashed out world of negativity I still believe that I cannot be saved throw her on the fire I’m purity hit me again I’ve been loved too much I’ve been freed again but freedom comes with responsibility and I can’t deal with it all baby it’s too hard for my softness I’ve given all I can it’s not enough and this is my nothing this is my sadness this is my truth and everything seems to be mine seems to be my fault seems to be all up to me to deal with baby I can’t sleep look what you’ve done to me look what I’ve done to me all your pretty words I need them so much and I love them all but I can’t accept them and they’re so sweet they’re razor sharp and if only I could remember the name of the fucking film oh honey you are the life the death the everything the nothing I love everything about you even the bits you hate it’s you that I adore and if you don’t stand with me forever I don’t want to stand at all….

Re: sweetsoursweetsoursweetsour
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Jan 10 21:47:51 2001 (#2632)

Wow...

Re: sweetsoursweetsoursweetsour
Posted by SImon on Thu Jan 11 00:37:03 2001 (#2634)

words fail me babe

HELL, that was good!

Re: sweetsoursweetsoursweetsour
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Jan 11 18:39:47 2001 (#2644)

*I love everything about you even the bits you hate it’s you that I adore and if you don’t stand with me forever I don’t want to stand at all….*

Priceless. Sometimes there aren't enough words but these are so beautiful, your pain is so clear.....

You've said everything I've ever wanted to say but couldn't put the words in the right order to explain it. You are loved.

xoxo, DB

Re: sweetsoursweetsoursweetsour
Posted by beautiful and dying on Thu Jan 11 20:40:16 2001 (#2649)

oh, thanks eveyone, you know you are all so totally appreciated... sorry, i need to vent sometimes and that is how i do it... thank you so much... look forward to more next time i screw up... and best wishes, mwah xxxx

looks like life, but it feels like death.
Posted by laura rose on Thu Jan 11 02:48:04 2001 (#2637)

yeah... what i just said... i think i am meant to live a short life... i dont know what it is.. but at least 4 times a month i have this horrible urge to kill myself... lol.. hm.. i wonder what i'm going to try to do to myself this time... hehe.. shit i dont know... see y'all laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Blissfully at peace this very moment ~laura

Re: looks like life, but it feels like death.
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jan 11 17:45:27 2001 (#2643)

Laura, Dont feel bad. You are not the only person who feels that way from time to time. You have plenty of rasons toi justify how you feel, but you are loved. Im sorry I havent called you. You know how that goes when shit hits the fan you involve as little people as possible. I still think about you though. anyway, I was thinking I ought to drop you an e-mail. Heads up. anyway... You are such a lovely person, be well ok? BIG HUGE HUGS!!! Nuni

Re: looks like life, but it feels like death.
Posted by Fran on Thu Jan 11 20:26:19 2001 (#2648)

hold on to something...don't fucking die now....I wish I had a fucking answer I really do.I want to free all that shit. Love you laura want you to live SO MUCH.

VENTING
Posted by rose on Thu Jan 11 05:11:10 2001 (#2639)

Ok most of this message is going to be venting. Thanks guys for being there.

Ok my mom took me to see this church counselor person and he's completely screwed me up. He basically told me I am a selfish little bitch that is doing this just to hurt people around me and get attention. FUCK HIM!!!! Like his life is screwed up any. I haven't cut in awhile but I guess that is screwed up because of our fucking bonding session. He said he wants to take me to the cancer ward at a childrens hospital so I can see how good I have it. That made me so fucking mad. I know what freaking death is. I also have serval friends who have died because of cancer and he doesn't have to do that to me. I've seen what that does. I've been to countries where I cried the whole time I was there because of the small children that I see dying because of diseases. I have watched pre teen girls sell themselves so that they can eat something. I know how good I have it. Two of my cousins are very sick and it breaks my heart to see my nine year old cousin being fed with an eye dropper. Both of his kids are healthy and fine. People laugh and point at my two cousins and I just want to shoot those people in the head. It breaks my aunts heart that her little boy can't say mommy or I love you. To not be sure if he even understands that she loves him. I wasn't going to cut and I've made it since a few days after christmas and now all that is going to hell. I am going to cut and I feel so bad. I want to let everyone who has hurt me how much they have actually hurt me. I want them to understand. I hate this hopelessnes this horrible depression. I don't want to live like this. I am only 14 yrs. old this shouldn't be happening to me. This sholdn't be happening to anyone. Life shouldn't be this hard. I am such a bad person because I don't see why everyone hates me so much. I didn't do anything to anyone. I've never let on to anyone how terrible depressed I am. I just want to die but I can't kill myself because I can just see the fucking idiot giving my funeral thing telling my parents i am so sorry she was so fucking selfish. I don't think they would even give a rip. I hate my life so fucking much. rose p.s. sharon i'll try to call you if i can

Re: VENTING
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 11 15:59:57 2001 (#2642)

That's terrible. He isn't much of a counselor. He is not supposed to make your problems seem small compared to others. HE is supposed to help you. YOu went to him through a church that is probablly why he did that. Hang in there. I am here.

F*** him i hope he goes to hell!!!!!
Posted by Fran on Thu Jan 11 19:38:58 2001 (#2645)

FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM. WHO THE FUCK IS HE TO JUDGE, WHO THE FUCK IS HE?. DON'T DIE BABE, DON'T DIE FOR YOURSELF NOT FOR HIM FOR YOURSELF. HE'S GOING TO HELL BABE (IF IT EXISTS)

Re: F*** him i hope he goes to hell!!!!!
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 11 22:59:30 2001 (#2652)

Don't worry he will but I think this may be hell and some of us go to a better place and the bad people just die and stay here.

Re: VENTING
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Jan 12 00:27:28 2001 (#2656)

Rose... dear...

I know what assholes those church dudes can be! My mom made me go see one. That only happened once... will NEVER happen again... and was extremely-over-the-top ironic. (Considering I'm the Anti-Christ himself) Anyway. I can't stand people like that. CHURCH people lkike that... that is. I mean... dude... believe whatever you want! I don't have aproblem with it and all my friends are extremely religios. But it's the type of church people like that guy you had to see. The ones that take everything so god-damned seriously. I just wonder what he would do if one of his kids commited suicide... I'd like to see him swallow his tongue... cry like a baby... and be sent to a mental institution for insanity.

Perhaps I should go before I offend anyone else! I'm sorry if you read this Linda!

Re: VENTING
Posted by Linda on Fri Jan 12 01:08:50 2001 (#2661)

((((((((((((Baleigh))))))))))) ))))) Of course I read that!!! But it doesn't matter. I know that you are lashing out at something that has been misrepresented to you. God knows your heart, whether you believe in Him or not.

Re: VENTING(Baleigh)
Posted by Linda on Fri Jan 12 15:28:31 2001 (#2668)

(((((((Baleigh))))))) Hey, sweets!!! Today I reread what you wrote and what I wrote and I just thought I should add a little something. I know of Christians who have suffered burdens beyond belief, children who have committed suicide, depression, anxiety, persecution, murder, and everything else beyond and between and the difference is, they still have purpose and the Holy Spirit to get them through those times. It doesn't erase the problems but it sure makes it bearable when you know that One who knows the future has promised that He wouldn't let you have more than you could bear. He also promised that He would be with us through it all!! Wish you could grasp it now but I know you will some day....just hope it isn't too late.

Re: VENTING(Baleigh)
Posted by Bae on Fri Jan 12 23:24:51 2001 (#2680)

Tanks Love... I felt super bad after I posted that. I'm glad you're not mad!

Re: VENTING
Posted by Ang on Fri Jan 12 01:42:34 2001 (#2662)

I LOVE YOU!

Re: VENTING
Posted by Christine on Sun Jan 14 07:18:09 2001 (#2736)

It makes me so mad when ppl I know make fun of people that have something wrong.I almost slaped my friend the other day.People dont have control over certaint things.I dont judge people.I work w/ a lady and shes a bite slow.It pisses me off when other people are mean to her and once I told a costomer that if he was going to be nasty he should get out of my store cuz I wasnt gonna put up w/ him.He never came back. Shes the sweetest little old lady and it pains me when I see people w/ disabilities.But those are the people that will have the best after life.They wont have anything wrong w/ them and those ass holes that made fun of them will have to live in this hell.

Rusty Trusty Buttercup
Posted by Nona on Thu Jan 11 07:05:34 2001 (#2641)

Hi, I just found you guys today and I am so glad you guys exist. I don't have anyone who understands what it is like to cut. My blade is my safty blanket, I even have a name for it Rusty Trusty Buttercup. I hide it in my miniture powerpuff girl deck of cards. My boyfriend of 2 months doesn't seem to get it. I told him on our first date that I am clincally depressed, a borderline and I cut. It was wonderful at the begining, until thanksgiving when his brother's girlfriend called the cops. He didn't do anything. She told them he was beating his mom when it was his brother, who was drunk came in on a family arguement (which is common) and started on my bf. His mom even told them. He spent 4 days in lock-up. I was very supportive of him. He has changed. He has so much hate in him. He wants to marry me, and he says that he only cares about two people him and me. This is my first real relationship. I'm 22 and I only dated a few people and those relationships didn't go any where. Whenever I get depressed and want to stay home I feel guilty. I have been at home with a temp for the last two days and I feel like I'm lying to him about it. But I'm not. If I break up with him I feel he will do something drastic. He already told me he has been drinking poison. He has tried to kill himself in the past. I am so lost.

Nona

Re: Rusty Trusty Buttercup
Posted by Michael on Fri Jan 12 00:09:00 2001 (#2654)

Hi. I understand. I've been diagnosed as depressed and i worry about my girlfreind not understanding. She cuts too, but she feels the same way about me. It's good that you told him about your problems too. And i definately can symapthise with you when you say if you break up he might do something drastic. I'm pretty sure that would be the case in my relationship. You've nothing to feel guilty about as long as you tell him the truth about how you feel, there's no point lying to him if he feels that way about you. Anyway, I doubt this will have helped...e-mail me if you want, i like getting e-mails, hehe. I think i may name my blades... Michâel.

Re: Rusty Trusty Buttercup
Posted by rose on Fri Jan 12 04:40:19 2001 (#2665)

well we are all here for each other. feel free to vent. share poetry, stories, whatever. feel free to email me about anything. rose

Re: Rusty Trusty Buttercup
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 14 11:39:22 2001 (#2740)

You are going through so much and your boyfriend is putting you through so much. It's not far to put burdens on you like that . You care so much , that is obvious. Do you think you should marry someone who isn't considering your feelings? of corse it's your decision but think hard about it. Other people don't always understand cutting and it's hard to explain to someone whose never needed it. It makes you feel safe . I wish you wouldn't punish yourself but then this is exactly what I do. I'll be thinking of you. Please post here again or email me I'd really like to know how your doing. Dealing with so much...do you have anyone you can talk to who can be there with you?

glitter and whizz
Posted by Fran on Thu Jan 11 20:05:40 2001 (#2646)

glitter,whizz,speed, sparkle,spinning,twinkle,spang le ,do a line,wine and dine,sequined stars brimming from eyes.dance away , it starts to fade the pain but all this beauty is a masquerade. oneday you can no longer play the game. for you had your chance and your turn .but it never lasts. the end is a certainty ...you always crash and burn

Re: glitter and whizz
Posted by Baleigh! on Fri Jan 12 00:30:42 2001 (#2658)

Awwww!!! I loved that! Ironically fun and grin worthy! I loved it!

Baleigh
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 12 15:45:45 2001 (#2669)

I wrote 'trigger happy' aswell

trigger happy
Posted by franny on Thu Jan 11 20:21:50 2001 (#2647)

Gun in my hand. bullet through my head kill me dead. lose the morning, despatch the soul. put the hole through the soul. sever my wound, pain me. watch me scream. watch me bleed. I am caught in your circle of interegation.pilling popping eyes, my film,my hardened glass. I can no longer see. I am obscure, I am now deformed. my vision can not permeate this marbled haze. Gun in my bed. bullet through my head. Tis Juliets final say...Romeo has gone away. I kill it, I destroy it, melting before my eyes.It's me oh cathy. I want to come home now. let me in through the broken, shattered window. I wander these streets I am the women in white.cold sharp steel brushes my pulsating lips, my heart simmeringas I ran it's beauty across my face.sharp glass cut my foot. Alls said and done. I sit still so deal me another pill. I am very grateful to you kind sir filling the hole in my soul with these lovedoves. Kind sir you have watched me crawl now watch me fall

Re: trigger happy
Posted by Heavenleigh on Fri Jan 12 21:39:46 2001 (#2676)

I love this writing. The line "Lose the morning, despatch the soul" is so increbibly beautiful, feels desolate but free at the same time, could lose myself in words like these.

I've never written in before, but I've been reading this message board for a while. U r such a great community of individuals, so glad I found this.

Re: trigger happy
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 12 23:10:15 2001 (#2678)

Thankyou so much for liking my words..I decided to write as the words came to me, my immeadiate feelings , my thoughts, my heart , transfering them immeadiately to writing. Please join the board ..so glad we found you. I found this board by mistake..something within me I don't know what it was but I left a message...and it was the start of something. I get so much from it.... I care about everyone so much. email me anytime. Post her write about yourself (or don't if you feel uncomfortable) Lots of LOve Franny

Screaming So Pretty
Posted by L on Thu Jan 11 20:43:30 2001 (#2650)

hey, check out the book "Screaming So Pretty" by Lauren Price - journals and prose on SI and healing and the other side of razor blades.

webpage: www.angelfire.com/art/screamin gsopretty

stay safe

i need help
Posted by lost and lonly on Thu Jan 11 21:53:31 2001 (#2651)

oh my god i dont know any of u guys but i feel like i have no one else to turn to. i cut, at first it was only small cuts and i thought i was in control but now i cut deeper and deeper. its gettin worse and i cant cope with the emotions. i dont know what to do.

HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Re: i need help
Posted by Kate on Thu Jan 11 23:02:54 2001 (#2653)

You are not alone. We all have been there or are still there. I quit cutting but sometimes I relapse. I couldn't handle my emotions either. Now I learn to talk about my problems even venting here helps. We are all here. Don't worry things will work out. Take one day at a time. Talk to you later

Kate

Re: i need help
Posted by Michael on Fri Jan 12 00:13:53 2001 (#2655)

Hello, whenever you need anyone to turn to come here. Everyone is great. Cutting is your way of dealing with things. You'll hear that a lot here, but it's true, and only we know it. As kate said, you can vent your feelings here if you want, that often helps. E-mail me if you want.

Re: i need help
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Jan 12 00:34:20 2001 (#2659)

Not much I can do to help ya there, L&L. Except of course... welcome you to our lovely little family... and tell you that we're here for you, though we can't do much! Well... that's a lie. The others have a way with words that I lack... so I always say the wrong thing! LOL! All the same. Welcome... sit down... relax... you're in for one hell of a ride!

drained.
Posted by kayla marie on Fri Jan 12 00:27:53 2001 (#2657)

im tired and all drained out. sorry i didnt post earlier if anybody cared i was gone. i havent cut in a month and sunday i had to. it was eating me up. i cut so deep and i cant seem to stop anymore. my parents dont know and neither does my therapist. im afraid of what they would say to me. or what they would do. im stuck in this huge hole and i cant get out. nobody seems to know how to help me and when im really bad or upset my friends online who do know just leave and yell at me saying if i killed myself they would never forgive me. but why would i need their forgiveness when im dead. why would i care if i went to hell or not. it has to be better than what im getting now but nobody even gives a fuck. they never did and never will. im hurting so much i am seriously thinking about telling my therapist. just to have someone i can talk to. its all bottled up and it wont come out. im scared and all drained. thanks for listening Kayla Marie

Re: drained.
Posted by blue rose on Fri Jan 12 02:03:03 2001 (#2663)

KAYLA I MISSED YOU!!!

I'm sorry I faded away this summer. We just kind of stopped talking. I'm still here for you if you need someone to talk to. I don't have yahoo messanger on my computer at school, but I do have aol instant messanger, I'm "rose aik" on that. Otherwise my e-mail is the same rain_dropps@yahoo.com. Please please please e-mail me.

stay safe.

~rose

Re: drained.
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 13 11:54:56 2001 (#2706)

I joined this board after you so I couldn't be there for you before. But I'd like to be there for you now... I don't have answers but I care what happens to you. Please email or post me

Tick-it-ty TOCK
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Jan 12 00:44:56 2001 (#2660)

GOOD GOD! The noise... the noises are driving me MAD! Our septic tank is about to explode... so it's making this noise (I've told you about it already I think) No one else can hear it except for me. It keeps me awake all night... I've got killer head-hurts cause, my luck, the septic tank is right outside MY ROOM... and the cnstant BOOM BOOM BOOM is always in my F-ing ears and it won't go away and I want to cry... (deep sigh)

The other day in Marine Science we had to draw a map to someplace imaginary... hehehe... mine had a couch on it... with a BIG bubble over it with a huge house. With all you guys in your bedrrom windows! LOL... Coach probably thought I was nuts!

And of course... I'm going to talk about 'the boy' The evil evil boy. He's everywhere I go and I went to talk to our mutual teacher friend of ous today. LoL... she asked if I jhad slept with him cause it has taken me so long to get over it. I didn't... so I guess i"m just psychotic. But she said that if we had... and then he ditched me... she'd help me hurt him. Probably not a good thing for a teacher to tell me... but then again niether is it good for another teacher to tell me you stop being hungry after the second day.

And you know what's crappy? I get online to check out the board all the time at school. And our system keeps track of all the websites visited. I'm just waiting for them to surf on over to the site that someone is always on in that one particular classroom... and since I'm the only Baleigh ever I think it'd be a dead give-away as to whom it is! Bleh! I'm bound to get caught one day!

Oh well. I've recently went out and bought some razors... finally. They're like... huge ones that go in those knife dealy-dally's. They're somewhat dull though... so I'm pissed! I carry one to school now in my wallet... and that, too, I am waiting ofr someone to find. I ask for it... don't I?

I'm going to go now... I guess I've taken up enough of your time! Talk to you all later!

Bae

Re: Tick-it-ty TOCK
Posted by Nuni on Fri Jan 12 17:24:33 2001 (#2671)

I love you, Every little word you said means a lot. Keep trucking, TAKE care! Hugs, Nuni

Yet more guilt
Posted by SImon on Fri Jan 12 03:05:56 2001 (#2664)

i feel so bloody guilty and feel like my depression isnt warrented and i have no right to feel shity when everyone else i know seems to have more problems than me. just since i came back from uni for xmas my dad has discovered that he may have cnacer(proberbly not but he is panicy about the posability) and he is trying to afford the money for private medical surgery cos if he waits for the NHS he could be as good as dead! then today my mum came back from her teaching job of 6 years in tears. i think she had a breakdown at dinner time. she was describing feeling suddenly disconnected and like she needed to do something and all that and i just wanted to say like 'yeah i know exactly what you mean. i feel like that every night.' but i cant stress them both out more by letting on that i kind of have my own serious suicidal depression thing going on. i think that would just tip them both over the edge at the minute. I god really depressed in like feb last year and was cuting a hell of a lot. i even tried to kill myself properly instead of just contemplating the act. i think i have mentioned it in a previous post a load of pills i poped one night. well, my mom found out about the cutting and she, understandably, demanded an explanation and that sort of opened the floodgates. i explained about the depression, crying myself to sleep (before i stoped - wish i could again i lost the knack) the suicide attempts, most stuff that i could think of off the top of my head. I dont think that they could take it all in or thought i was attention seeking or just hoped i would get through my (life-long) phaze by my self. to be honest i couldnt talk about it even if my parents wanted to. i just freeze up when confronted with 'real' people who i have to face in the flesh. i never really feel i can trust anyone. or maybe its just that i feel guilty as f**k offloading my screwed up problems onto other people who dont deserve it.not sure which. i dont really know why i can bring myself to talk to u lot but i can so thats ok i suppoes. sorry bout all the spelling but i cant function without a spell checker. The main thing that gets me feeling like sh1t is the fact that i cant 'do' relationships. i dont know what it is but they just never work out and i seriously think that nothing is likely to change. i might have to go through this painfull life alone and that scares the hell out of me more than anything. i know im not ugly in physical appearance but i always manage to fuck things up. most of my girlfriends left me after a month(it was like clockwork - i was getting paranoid that it was some elaborate practical joke lol) because i always got was too attatched and clingy. i scafed girls away but i could not help it. when i was with a girl i was so overwhelmed with the concept of them liking me and actually wanting to be with me that i fell in love (or whatever - make ur own interpretations) and i could not handel the emotions. when i managed to get a girl who was in it for the long run, i fucked everything up. she cut a little too but i didnt find out for a while cos she didnt at the time. anyway, i went to a festival and slept with some girl there(this is not going to get me any sympathy i know) and then a girl a month later when i went to uni. i still get overwhelmed by attractive girls seeing anything in me. thinks get well messy when i slept with her a while later. i know u have all lost interest now but it gets even worse. she was still s virgin.....and she was only 15....and i was 18 and should have known better...then i dumped her the next week.....then she found out about me cheating....that broke her heart and she started to cut i think again. the worst thing is that she still talks to me and she really wants to be friends. my head is fucked. Has anyone seen the film 'Falling Down'? i feel like that guy. you start off going through life doing stuff that you think is for the best at the time (even if it was a fucking stupid heartless thing given the invaluable gift of hindsight) and there comes a point when you realise that you are the bad guy. u are the one that deserves to be punished. you become everything you hate and despised in other people. that is why i dont really belong here regardless what any of you say. im not a NICE person. im not like you all. you are all people who have pain that you dont deserve or been abused or care too much about other people. i dont think im like that. i wish more that anything i could be the caring victim type but im not. I have given up on the idea of finding another relationship. not only do i know i really dont deserve that but no woman should have to have someone like me in their life. i would only fuck her up too. i have nothing to offer. not really that much to offer society in general. you would have thaough that someone who is as fucked as me would fit right into our fucked up world but there you go. i think im pulling my whole family apart. my dad started dringing and doing drugs after i was born, unplanned, when they had little money and my mum was doing uni and had to drop out because of me. last year my brother (12) found out about my cutting and started doing it too. my sister (17) did it i few times and may have eating disorders. im so miserable that my brother thinks i hate him. everyone hates each other and its my fault. it would be better without me but i know i dont have the guts to top myself. but i sooo wish i did. I think i have fucked up my one redeaming aspect when i missed my exam for programming in my computing course. i think that means i fail the unit and i cant do the secong part without it. i cant even quit cigarettes. im off now. sorry for taking up so much of your room with my shit.

PS is there really such a thing as evil cos i didnt used to think so but i cant think of a better way to describe myself. i have cut into my arm in case i forget.

Simon
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 12 23:43:53 2001 (#2682)

Dear Simon I'd really like you to read my posts 'help me' 'RE;help me' 'I'm a mess' 'GO AWAY GET OUT OF MY HEAD' 'SEE YOU IN JUNE' 'I am sick of letting people walk over me' 'RE;I am sick of letting people walk over me' ( go to ' search ' you can search by name , my names FRan bytheway!). I really want you to read them so you I know how I felt.I am not trying to make you feel bad , god knows we all make mistakes!!!!! but maybe you'll know how that girl is feeling and maybe you can EXPLAIN TO ME what this guys actions. This guy was going to sleep with me the night after he , in conversation with a friend described me as a 'psycho'. I nearly did but couldn't (time of the month and all that'). You've walked away from this girl and she's hurting. I am a firm believer in HONESTY , guys should tell you where you stand . I thought that was happening with thise bloke...the first thing he said to me was 'you know I can't go out with' he still treated me like shit. The point is one night stands ,sleeping with someone just for sex, be honest about it, tell the other person ..this can't go further, I can't commit, the other person should know. Okay so it might not make it any less painful but thats better than being deceived... if the girl (who was a virgin) slept with you knowing yoou were to leave in a week she could have coped with it better, remember she was not able to share any of your thoughts and this came as a shock and you know what it hurts because she wasn't prepared. I'm not trying to make you feeel bad simon, I'm really not, I don't want you to cut...you've made a mistake. The thing is you CARE about it , the guy I knew doesn't give a shit. please talk to this gilr and be HONEST with her , tell her you care but yoou have other issues/problems taking over your life and that you regret causing her pain. I promise you she will respect you for your honesty (if not now , in a few years) It may may hurt bbbut not as much as not knowing. I'm sorry about your family life..mine hasn't been a bunch of roses , I understand how awaful it must be...don't give up can you talk to a councellor/psychiatrist? I know it's not going to solve anyhting but you need to talk. What uni are you at ? (I live in Gloucestershire nr. Prince Charles HA HA -that's the only way to describe where I live..noone has heard of my little village) Please email me .Please don't cut please please .Write to me if you feel like doing it . YOu are not bad. All my love and thoughts Fran

It still happens
Posted by Nuni on Fri Jan 12 05:09:22 2001 (#2666)

Hi, I havent posted in a while. I thought about going at this SI thing SOLO. I cut so bad last night, and that is worse than ever. Does anyone usually feel worse the next day? I feel so alone..This sucks, Im glad you guys are here! Hugs, Nuni

Re: It still happens
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 12 23:55:14 2001 (#2685)

I always always feel worse , I hate myself more in the morning (if that is possible).After parties , after clubbing I'm the worse, probably something to do with comingdown, but I feel like I have to punish myself for trying to enjoy myself. I'm excessive in alot of areas , I want out of reality, i'll do anyhting to get away from it. P.S Nuni I missed you!!

Re: It still happens
Posted by Nuni on Sat Jan 13 19:31:23 2001 (#2718)

Hi Fran, thanks for replying. Yeah, I go out on drink binges, party with friends. But I never think I deserve it. The guilt OH THE guilt. Piercing... Im here reading posts, wishing I could help you all somehow. Hugs! Nuni

new
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 12 12:17:06 2001 (#2667)

Hello any one. It's late (or early, depending on your opinion. It's not like I'm going to sleep at all tonight or anything so the two become blurred) and I needed to say things. I spent the last three hours sharpening a knife to cut myself with. It had been a month and a half since the last time. It wasn't even triggered by anything. I just looked at my arms and something just told me that the spaces beetween the scars needed to be filled. I only did one cut, but it will fill a gap with a scar. Another reminder for the rest of my life. I was online and just happened to find this place. If you listened, thank you. If you didn't, well, thanks anyway.

Re: new
Posted by Meg on Fri Jan 12 16:35:56 2001 (#2670)

Strider-- I just read your message. I'm listening. Don't cut yourself, please, for me. It sucks when you have to hurt yourself just to feel better, but when some1 is doing it because they have a gap in their arm, it really hurts me a lot, because I know how it feels. I just hurt myself again yesterday because of petty stupid things, and believe me, the memories hurt more than the cut. Please email me if your feeling down -- I am always here to listen. Love, Meg

Re: new
Posted by laura rose on Fri Jan 12 23:25:37 2001 (#2681)

Strider... I can really relate to your post.. heh.. I do the same thing.. I don't feel I'm a REAL SI'er if I have one unscarred patch of skin on my arms. Hm.. and I've been doing it for 6 years now. hehe.. I don't think you can ever scar up every last inch on your body.. but please don't try to prove me wrong. I'm glad you came to this board... It's always nice to have new members here.. and the old ones too. I hope you come back. But please... be careful where you cut... a good friend from this board once told me that when I'm upset, not to cut in vital places, such as throat *grumbles*... or major veins... LOL.. sucks that they are called superficial cuts, in the emergency room, isn't it? Man... people just don't get the root of SI... any way... I hope you come back to this board.

~Laura

fuck me......
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Jan 12 19:32:45 2001 (#2672)

so, i've done it again. there goes my november 29th i guess. it's not like i give a shit anymore. i'm falling apart and i don't know what to do. i have to leave for work in a minute, so i have to cut this short. no pun intended.

Re: fuck me......
Posted by laura rose on Fri Jan 12 21:10:47 2001 (#2675)

Lori... Honey.. I'm here for you... what is going on? why didnt you say anything? shit, hon... Get a hold of me.... please.. hersh is worried about you too.... i got your tape today... thank you, lori... please talk to me... love you... =)

~laura

Re: fuck me......
Posted by Bae on Fri Jan 12 23:49:51 2001 (#2683)

I'll fuck ya! If that'll make you feel any better! : ) Hehe... sorry... I had to. It probably wasn't appropriate... huh? Especially since I'm into guys and there's that hottie at work (wouldn't want to spoil your chance... hehe... you know who I'm talking about) And don't worry about the boo-boos. I cut in the middle of class today. And on top of that... I sit in the front... so everyone could have seen if they were paying any attention. Suppose I should take therazor out of my wallet incase someone goes and tells someone that I had a razor... then get arrested for having a weapon... LOL. My luck... eh? BUT I LOVE YOU DB! Feel better... email me or something... kay?

Re: fuck me......
Posted by Fran on Fri Jan 12 23:57:45 2001 (#2687)

I want you to be okay..I really do. If there's anyhting I can do. Thank you SO MUCH for my poem I love it , I will always be able to think of you now. Love you

i need help but im to scared to get it
Posted by Weeping Willow on Fri Jan 12 20:39:43 2001 (#2674)

i cut alot i need help ive tryed to get it i just need some one to talk to if my mom found out i still cut she'd send me a way, can you offer some advice

Re: i need help but im to scared to get it
Posted by laura rose on Fri Jan 12 23:21:11 2001 (#2679)

well, it's good that you have realized you need help.. and yes, the next painful step is to find help.. this board is a good comfort source, but we can't do the things for you that may help you to stop SI'ing.. if that is what your goal is... hm... but like I have said before, SI is the new eating disorder.. people used to think anorexia, bulimia and compulsive over-eating were food issues, just like they think SI is a suicide issue.. we all know it's a control issue.. do you know why you SI? Perhaps you should not seek treatment for the SI, but you should seek treatment for the cause(s) for the SI... like rape, abuse, parents that expect too much, abandonment, a death of a loved one, perfectionism... these are only a few of the roots.. and many fall in to more than one category (not that i'm trying to put a label on people here)... none of us woke up one day and thought "hm.. I wonder what would happen if i do this"... okay.. maybe a few did.. but that's not what kept them coming back to this vice of comfort.. there are many deep-rooted causes to this.. find yours.. then seek help for that... the SI part will naturally come after you have battled your demons... No.. i'm not being a hypocrit here, I don't think... Yes, I still cut.. but I'll tell you what.. since I started going to counseling over my rape, abuse, abandonment, and perfectionist tendencies.. I AM cutting less than i used to... it takes time.. and it can be damn painful.. but i'm learning that it's worth it. Just my not-so-humble opinion. =) And as far as your mother is concerned.. she WILL know one day... you can't hide your scars forever.. but if you feel she will lock you up.. don't say anything at this point.. you may start to feel that this is your dirty little secret, but you have a lot of friends on this board who know you do it.. so it's not a secret.. and as long as you take care of your cuts, it won't be dirty (humor)... =) take care.

~laura

Re: i need help but im to scared to get it
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 13 00:01:46 2001 (#2688)

Yoou can get help without your mum knowing, I'm sure of it..patient confedentiality!!!. I'm always here if you need to talk. I find sometimes SIing is the only thing that can help me so don't feel bad if you do it but you musn't go through this alone . You musn't. Good luck. Email me post ANYTIME!!!! Lots of love Fran

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!!
Posted by laura rose on Fri Jan 12 22:09:37 2001 (#2677)

What the hell is going on with us? Is it that time again? Time for everyone to have their lives dive even deeper in to hell?!?! Am I the only one who notices it? My God... That's it.. I can't take it anymore... I'm breaking the ice. Look, I love all of you.. you have ALL been there for me when I needed you.. I'm not giving up on any of you. So deal with it... We are all getting our asses to Canada.. we need to remember something good in our lives... DB, fran, yvonne, lost, MELISSA, nuni, marie, baleigh, blue rose, christine, neal, SImon, linda, tara, michael, sara, meg, kate, sharon, melissa, anka, ang, weeping willow, nytmyst, butterfly, beautiful and dying, heavenleigh, lost and lonely and strider and anyone else... Please.. we are all amazing people.. we are loved, we just don't know it.. we are too busy carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.. so we break constantly.. I've talked to many of you.. and I've been coming to this board for about 4 or 5 months now... I don't know what the fuck I would do without you guys... Lori, your poems.. beautiful..and your friendship, lost.. lol.. your stank humor,.. nuni.. your kindness,.. fran.. gosh.. what can i say? you are wonderful, Yvonne.. your encouragement,... linda... your guidance,.. marie.. your sweetness,... neal.. you.. just all of you... sheesh.. the list goes on and on... I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!! Please... find that one thing to keep you wading through all of this crap.. we will all come out clean on the other end one day... Remember when I tried to take myself out? I slashed my throat... you guys were here for me... I came back to a ton of emails.. some of you even talked to my mother (grr... moms)... I never expected anyone to give a damn... but why didn't I? I would have done the same thing for any one of you.. You all know that I'm not the happiest person in the world.. but someone here has to try to hold all of us together.. and I'm not letting any of you go... and if you do.. damnit, I'll fucking jump too... So don't do it. C'mon guys.. let's get our arses to that house in Canada... Can we please think of something good right now? Let's see... I'm thankful for my son.. and my friends.. and family.. and for a God that seems to be letting me in a bit.. and my counselor, who has been there for me... and right at this very second.. i'm actually thankful for my life... =) I love you guys.. be well and stay safe

*hugs* ~laura

Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!!
Posted by Bae on Fri Jan 12 23:52:47 2001 (#2684)

: ) BEAUTIFUL! LoL! Superb! two-thumbs up!

Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!!
Posted by Linda on Fri Jan 12 23:55:20 2001 (#2686)

Oh Laura!!! Thank you so much for including me in your list. So many times I wonder if I should leave you all alone. I never have wanted to be pushy or antagonistic. But you all have made a place in my heart and I never say anything on here that is not meant in love. I hope everyone knows that. I am so proud of your coming this far. It is a ray of sunshine to everyone!!!!

Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!!
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 13 00:04:47 2001 (#2689)

Thank you Laura. Thank you for holding this together. I want to get better but sometimes I don't does that make sense? it's the only thing that belongs to me, this fucked up mess belongs to me. Love you , 'forever in debt to your priceless advice' frannyxxx

Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!!
Posted by butterfly on Sat Jan 13 02:05:27 2001 (#2693)

i was surprised to see my name in that list, but it's made me realise that even though i don't post much at all, i'm not invisible. I've been feeling down recently but this post really made me smile :) Laura you're a brilliant person to try and keep us all going, i barely have enough strength to keep myself going. You're all great people on this board and i'm actually feeling kind of happy now.

Love you all, Butterfly.

Re: ATTENTION EVERYONE!!!!
Posted by Nuni on Sun Jan 14 13:30:23 2001 (#2741)

There is a place for everyone in my thoughts.. I have stopped posting because i think I cant help you guys.. Hmmm i wish things were better.. I just care because i know the desperation.. Right now I am thnakful that I have you guys to relate to, not so alone! Hugs, Nuni

Nuni!
Posted by Fran on Sun Jan 14 16:33:17 2001 (#2742)

I can't help anyone but just talking to everyone helps me. You help me just by surviving...so keep coming ...your much to hard on yourself. I don't know what else to say ..I just HAD to write something after your post

FRAN
Posted by Nuni on Sun Jan 14 20:45:23 2001 (#2749)

I suppose we are all hard on ourselves but we are here for eachotehr. thanks Franny. You are very nice! Hugs Nuni P.S. drop me an e-mail sometime!

Ecstasy&Antideps
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 13 00:09:01 2001 (#2690)

My friend told me that you can't take ecstasy whilst on anti-deppressants. You can still do speed and cocaine but not e.Does anyone know why this is?.

Re: Ecstasy&Antideps
Posted by Michael on Sat Jan 13 01:57:18 2001 (#2692)

From what i've heard, Ectasy has a lesser effect whilst on certain anti-depressanrts like SSRIs, 'cos the chemicals in the antidepresants stop serotonin from being aborbed or something. Cocaine is different because it doesn't mess with neuro-transmiters and amphetamine sulphate (or di-amphetamine as well,) (speed), doesn't either.

I have no hard proof of this, but in theory i suppose it may be true. You can still take them though. It probably wont harm you. I don't want to give any hard advice though, so don't take my word for it... Michael

TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE
Posted by MELISSA on Sat Jan 13 00:52:04 2001 (#2691)

MARCUS LEAVES IN 4 DAYS. HE IS SO TORN APART SO SAD. HE CRIED TO ME FOR HOURS LAST NIGHT. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OR SEEN HIM LIKE THIS BEFORE. I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH. IM SO SCARED FOR HIM. IM NOT THINKING ABOUT MYSELF AT ALL FOR ONCE. IVE BEEN MAKING IT SO MUCH WORSE. ITS NOT HIS FAULT. AND HE NEEDS TO TELL HIS FRIENDS GOODBYE ALSO. I DIDNT WANT HIM TO AT FIRST I WAS LIKE DONT YOU WANT TO SPEND THESE LAST DAYS WITH ME? BUT IM REALIZING NOW THAT HES BEEN WITH ME FOR TEN MONTHS AND HE LOVES ME MORE THAN ANYTHING IM HIS BEST FRIEND BUT HES KNOWN THEM FOR YEARS AND HES GOING TO MISS THEM JUST THE SAME. I WAS SO CAUGHT UP IN MYSELF THAT I COULDNT SEE THE IMPACT THIS HAD ON HIM. SO TO MAKE IT ALL UP WERE THROWING A KEG PARTY FOR ALL HIS FRIENDS TO COME TO AND SAY THEIR GOOD BYES AND THE WHOLE TIME ILL BE AT HIS SIDE. IM GOING TO MISS HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS SO BAD. BUT I DONT WANT TO GET OVER IT OR BECOME HAPPY (I KNOW I EVENTUALLY WILL) BECAUSE I WANT HIM AND ONLY HIM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. ...I LOVE YOU MARCUS ALWAYS AND FOR EVER YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS ME AND YOU BABE

Re: TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE
Posted by Kate on Sat Jan 13 08:10:05 2001 (#2700)

Where is he going? I am so sorry. Love hurts.

18th
Posted by Michael on Sat Jan 13 02:06:12 2001 (#2694)

It's my birthday today (13th january). I'm 18 so i can drink legally. Wahay....i don't need another incentive to do it really... I'm going to try not to cut for a while, it's self-preservation really because i don't want to upset my girlfriend anymore.... I'm legally responsible for myself now. I like tat thought. I shouldn't have as much pressure on me to do things by the books now. Maybe i'm being a bit too optimistic with regard to that though..

You can be my Father, For the Love tat you have showed me. It's just a little too late It's never enough to swallow those pills, Now i'm sick and always will be...

Re: 18th
Posted by butterfly on Sat Jan 13 02:17:25 2001 (#2695)

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthd..... ok i'll stop singing now. Hope you have a good birthday, it is nice to be able to drink LEGALLY :)

Re: 18th
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 13 12:06:15 2001 (#2708)

happy birthday!! (remember your birthday wish)

Re: 18th
Posted by heavenleigh on Sun Jan 14 00:25:02 2001 (#2725)

Congrats. on legality! I was so scared when I became 18 - the pressure of suddenly being honest about your age make me feel like I should be honest about everything else as well. When I was about 15 I thought "Well, when you're 20 you're nature is fixed for the rest of you're life", but now I'll be 20 in 3 months and I still don't feel that I'm petrified into any particular path. There's always hope, always change. I DO wish I was still 17 though, it's like the pinacle of your life, when you feel so intensely as if no one else has felt this before, and then you realise your old, and that you're no longer everyone's target generation/dynamic force. Sorry this is miserable, everyone I know my age is going through the same thing, like a pre-mid-life-crisis. Just keep on taling the happy pills hey!

READ THIS!
Posted by Ang on Sat Jan 13 03:00:56 2001 (#2696)

okay i havn't cutt since monday and normally i'm acheing to cut but i am so in love with my bf right now it feels SO INPOWERING i feel like i have control over what goes on in my life i wish u all could feel as i do at this moment AAHHHHHHHHH its great E-mail me ppl love always, Ang

Re: READ THIS!
Posted by Fran on Sat Jan 13 12:09:10 2001 (#2709)

right on babe!!!! I feel happy reading your post, just someone is happy happy happy. I've always believed. 'somewhere over the rainbow..skies are blue.........' there's something over that rainbow hope you've found it