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Threads 251 to 300

happy birthday
Posted by melissa on Fri Oct 6 01:13:54 2000 (#872)

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear sara, happy birthday to you. and many more! he he. happy birthday girl! (pssssst, get lots of stuff-HA!)

love always melissa

Re: happy birthday
Posted by Sara on Sat Oct 7 03:11:59 2000 (#892)

LOL, well thank you Melissa, but I got nothing good. It's a nice thought though:)

Love ALWAYS-

~Sara~

long time no see
Posted by mallory on Fri Oct 6 01:45:26 2000 (#873)

hey, I havent gone here for a realt long time. but enyways my boyfriend found out about my arm/cutting and i promised him i wouldnt do it again. he made me promis. I have been keeping it but i dont know if i can enylonger.

please be a god
Posted by melissa on Fri Oct 6 03:23:06 2000 (#880)

if there is a god please be with laura tonight. help her survive this. i had no idea that she was having such a hard time. josh your wife is a wonderful person and i can only hope for the best. laura would say to have faith so faith be with us all tonight. let your wife know how much we love her and let her know how much you do too. be there by her side, she doesnt want to be alone. up date us please.

love always, melissa p.s even though i am not religious i will pray tonight and everynight till she wakes.

Re: please be a god
Posted by josh on Fri Oct 6 04:31:03 2000 (#881)

Thanks guys. You have been really nice. I just got back from the hospital and she is doing okay. She is rather angry about being there, but atleast the cutting will stop for a day or two. I don't know what is a lot of cutting, but she makes about 40-50 a day. I just wish I could help her. She does not appear to be ready to stop yet though.

Re: please be a god
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Oct 6 20:32:30 2000 (#883)

Hope Laura gets to come home soon. I think you must be a really great husband to be so understanding. Laura is very lucky. Let her know we care and she can talk to us anytime. Has she been in the hospital before, or in therapy? It's good that she's getting help. Make sure you're okay, too. How are YOU, by the way? Doing okay I hope. You can come here and talk about if you want. We'll listen. Take care of Laura, your child, and you.

Love, DB

umm
Posted by melissa on Fri Oct 6 22:02:34 2000 (#886)

well im glad that shes doing okay. i miss her already. send her my love...

melissa

Circles
Posted by Neal on Sat Oct 7 01:25:04 2000 (#888)

I don't know if anybody else has this feeling. When you're walking down the street and you catch your reflection in something like a car window or a shop window and you see your face and you think, 'Who's that?'. You know: 'That's not me, that doesn't represent who I am'. And I think I've recently discovered what the problem is and it's a feeling that essentially you're just in a room full of mirrors. You can shoot at all the reflections, but basically it's all meaningless because you're just trapped and you put yourself there.

I've realised recently that it's actually worrying about it that's the fucking problem. It's actually saying, 'No, this is me, that's not me', and being precious about who you are, because I believe now that everyone changes all the time. I think the most unhealthy thing for a human being is to feel that they have to behave in a certain way because other people expect them to behave like that, or to feel they have to think in a certain way because what happens then is basically your mind goes round in circles.

I was getting really freaked out the other day because I woke up one morning and discovered that during the night, as a dream or something, my mind was going round in a trap. Like it was going round and round and round and round. It was like four or five words just going round in my head and it went on for about an hour and I couldn't stop it. And I went to on holiday and I'd just got out of the bath, and picked up a towel to dry myself. Then once I put the towel down on the floor, I stood there completely freaked out for a half an hour because there were so many different places to put the towel. I'd become paralysed and got really really scared, because my mind had gone into a lock and wouldn't stop. So I get scared about my mind going round in circles but I think that's only because I'm constantly aware of my own reflection and I feel that's an extremely unhealthy thing. And I feel sorry for anyone who actually starts to believe their own reflection because I've done it. What a wanker!

Re: Circles
Posted by melissa on Sat Oct 7 01:59:37 2000 (#889)

i know exactly what you mean. i always think, why cant people see who i am and not how i look. neal i dont know if you've read my last few posts but i'd love to here more about you. but kinda bring out the good in you, like, what kinda a music do u listen to (fav song), or what about movies, what do you do to have fun, do you go to school or work or what, when ere you born, where do you live? tell me everything, im interrested in knowing the real you.

love always, melissa

Re: Circles
Posted by Neal on Sat Oct 7 02:18:33 2000 (#890)

Hi melissa, I'm kinda sleepy, right now, too much cheap wine and paracetamols but I have read a few of your posts, I'm from the UK, like many different things, radiohead, geroge orwell, Franz KafKa, sylvia plath, albert camus (cliched I know) I've been to school/college and now sell my soul to a computer firm so that I can go to University. It would be very nice to hear from you, my email is no_logo22@hotmail.com

Thanks for your reply, its nice to know there are other people out there.

hello again
Posted by laura rose on Sat Oct 7 04:02:33 2000 (#893)

Hey guys, I am home from the hospital now. I basically left, they wanted to put me on the 4th floor (we all know what THAT means). So I left befire they could transfer me. Don't they realize that a lot of people START cutting there? Geez.... they label you crazy and move to the next victim in line. Any way, I'm feeling a bit better now. I have about 43 stitches and I will have a(nother) nasty scar, but I guess that's all part of the game. I don't really know any of you, but I have read your responses to what Josh said, and to what I said, and I thank each and every one of you for being so kind. Much appreciated *hugs*. I hope everyone is doing at least "ok" for the moment and if anyone wants to talk, I am always here.....

Re: hello again
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 7 16:58:23 2000 (#897)

Good to have you back! We were worried about you. I've never been in a hospital, but I know about those 4th floors. I think it's good that you left. You will feel better at home. We just want you to be okay.

Love, DB

flashbacks
Posted by Ryann on Sat Oct 7 07:20:18 2000 (#894)

Ok, so I've never posted anything on here, but I've read some postings and so far people seem nice...for the first time in the 7 years that i've mutilated, ive gone 7 months( as of the end of october) minus 2 relapses, without self-injuring. lately, i want it so bad i'm afraid i'll let myself slip again. i keep telling myself," no one needs to know, it's just this one time, i won't do it again, just this one last time..." god i want to slice into my skin so deep, and to add insult to injury, i'm having intense flashbacks from the hospitals....i just don't understand how i got here, i had a good day, i smiled, i laughed, and now i want to bleed? yeah, that fits. what have i done to deserve this ( sure i know, nothing, and that i don't, but i can't help the question...)??? i just want someone who'll hold me when i cry, in the middle of the night when i have to stifle my sobs and thrash in the empty bathtub, why is it only my own hand who'll stroke my face and clear my tears...? sorry for wasting everyone's time..a little venting is always a good attempt at feeling better..it's just not working...

Re: flashbacks
Posted by lost on Sat Oct 7 09:38:34 2000 (#895)

awwwwwwwwwww sweetie!!! E-mail me. I totally know how you feel. and I'm sorry that telling us your feelings isn't working.... you can vent to me anytime that you want.... hopefully I can maybe help... or just give u someone to talk to. Either way, I'll be happy :) well, e-mail me !!!

stay safe, Lost

Re: flashbacks
Posted by Dark Angel on Sat Oct 7 21:30:32 2000 (#899)

I know how it feels to be so alone, so lonely for someone to comfort and hold you. I want someone to give me a hug and hold on for years. I want to have people brush away my tears and say it will get better, and really mean it. I want to forget the way it feels, the way that the cool metal slices through my skin. I want to forget how good it feels to have warm blood pouring over my skin. I want someone to hear my tears.

wanting to be held
Posted by laura rose on Sat Oct 7 16:37:09 2000 (#896)

I know the feeling. A lot of times I cut when I feel happiness, just so I will remind myself that I don't feel it's ok to be happy. About the wanting to be held part. I feel this way ALL the time. Yes, Josh told all of y9ou about how worried he is of me. What he failed to tell you is that out marriage is not wonderful. He is not very compassionate nor is he understanding. He wants to have me put on the "4th floor" and he threatens to leave me if I don't stop cutting. He just doesn't get it. Everything I ever had in life was ripped out of me hands. I was raped TWICE, I have been in abusive relationships, gone through being homeless (at age 17) and had a 5 year meth/heroin addiction. My SI is the one thing I have that nobody can take from me. Only I can decide if it happens or not. Nobody else. He wants to take that one thing away from me. He thinks that threats are going to work!!! Why don't they understand? I just want to be held. I think everyone can relate to that, no? People think that cutters are loveless people and that is so untrue. If anything, we love MORE than most people, otherwise we just wouldn't care. I wouldn't blame myself for all that is wrong in the world. I think we tend to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders while the one dimensional people stay in their little world of "everything is truly ok". Am I the only one who feels this way? Why don't we deserve the love and affection that those with "every day" type scars seem to receive? I don't understand. People don't even want to touch me, when really, all I want is someone to hold my hand - hug me when I am crying and screaming. We ALL deserve that. Please excuse the rant, but after another loveless night and reading these posts, I felt the need.

~laura rose

Re: wanting to be held
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 7 17:08:41 2000 (#898)

If I was where you are, I would hold your hand. I would let you cry on my shoulder and I would not turn away because you are scarred. People in pain have no delusions to hide behind. I know how you feel. You deserve love, just as much as anybody. I think you deserve it more because of what you've been through. It would have killed a lesser person, but you're surviving. You're a brave person, whether you realize it or not. I'm sorry that Josh wants you on the 4th floor. It's hard to understand why we cut for people who don't do it. I know I don't actually know you, but I worried about you when you weren't here and I prayed for you last night. I love you, scarred or not. I would hold anyone in this room if I could. I know they would do the same for me. Isn't that the idea?

Love, DB

Re: wanting to be held
Posted by Dark Angel on Sat Oct 7 21:39:09 2000 (#900)

I believe that all of us are just fine people that need a little love. Actually, we need alot of love. We need the love that has slipped through our fingers like grains of sand. We need so much love that not just one person could heal us. We need so much love, that it's almost impossible to get it all.

My parents don't want me getting on psych anymore. The believe I need real friends. DON'T THEY KNOW THAT THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE I FEEL LIKE I FIT IN???? Every single person here is coming for support. We're not coming to say that the next person is a jerk. We're not coming to say that yesterday I went shopping. No, we're just coming to feel like we're as important as all those non-SIers. Here is a hug for everyone that wants, no needs, one: (((((((((((((((((((everyone))) )))))))))))))))I wish it wasn't a cyberhug. But that's the only thing I can give right now. I hope you all feel better now. :)

Re: wanting to be held
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 02:10:45 2000 (#909)

YES, Huggles all around... Im experiencing a crissi and wont tear mysel away from this keyboard because I will commence my slash -dom.... really huggles all around.

Re: wanting to be held
Posted by Linda on Sun Oct 8 00:15:08 2000 (#904)

Laura, I am so glad you are back. You know when I read the post from Josh about your being in the hospital I was so broken hearted. I immediately began to pray for you and have done some many times since. I'm so glad you are back. I have read this thread of messages and I just wanted to try to add the other side of this picture. As most of you know, I do not SI. I have come here to try to understand. Soooooo, when you all talk about the one-dimensional people, you really are talking about me. (I don't take it personally, though, so don't worry, I realize you all really do worry a lot about whether you hurt people's feelings or not) As a one-dimensional person, I have tried to put myself in your shoes here lately and I know that I could never stand it. I believe it was Neal that was talking about the thoughts that he couldn't stop and them going around in circles in his head.....whew....the closest I have ever come to that is when I have worn out a new cd to the point that I can't get to sleep at night for hearing it over and over. I have a deep sensitivity for your situation and even more since I have been on here long enough to get some insight. I think that the average person does not WANT to get involved because it means hard work. It's hard to try to stop and listen to someone whose thoughts are so deep when you could just think on the surface and be free from all that pain. I thought that it would be real nice if your parents or friends or spouses could have first gotten acquainted with you on here so that they would have been forced to sit and listen until they knew you in depth, then I think they could have reached out a little more. But you see, you all didn't come into this world with a sign around your neck that said "Deep Thinker and Very Talented--Please Understand". I think most parents just treat all their babies the same and then when the one that is the special starts acting a little differently than the others, we are at a loss for how to cope with it. Thank God, there is someone who cares and knows the deepest recesses of your hearts and you can turn to Him. He will hold you very close. But , you say, I need someone with skin on....; ) Well, " Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you." Love to all.

Poems
Posted by Dark Angel on Sat Oct 7 21:53:01 2000 (#901)

This is a poem about love and death. It's entitled Dead. It's pretty much how I feel.

Do you see me?

Can you see my pain?

My face, tear streaked

Laden, with shame

I can't think

I can't love

I feel so dead

But the grave's below, I'm above

I feel only pain

I must be dead

I must cut

See blood so red...

I feel so worthless

Who can love me?

A poor grief-stricken child

This cannot be

No one must love me

No one must see

All this has been said

I am better off dead ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, tell me what you think. If anyone has written poems, I would love to read them.

Re: Poems
Posted by laura rose on Sat Oct 7 22:13:20 2000 (#902)

it was very good. I'm putting together a book of my poems.... here is one I wrote yesterday....It is about me from my friends point of view.... Dissociate 10.6.00 I see you've fallen one more time. Why did you tell me you would be fine? Those cuts on your arm, they look new. Oh my God, what did you do? That won't heal, you need to wrap them. Everyone is going to ask what happened. How could you to this to yourself? Aren't you concerned about your health? This horrible display of human addiction. You're going to die, that's my prediction. I told you I cared but still you die. Sometimes I ask myself why I try. This is enough, I give in. Throw in the towel, let you win. You evil demon, just go away. My friend is gone - forgot to stay. Why did she die? Who do I blame? Too bad I can't remember her name.

Re: Poems
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 7 22:34:53 2000 (#903)

Gosh, Laura! You're good!! That was beautiful in a heartbreaking way. Dark Angel's was really good too. I write a lot of poetry. I put one up here when I first started coming here. It's under the title, Here's a Poem for You, by butterfly. I saw there was a Butterfly already in here, so I chaneged it. Don't want to confuse anybody. Anyway, it's up there somewhere on the board. Read it if you want.

Love, DB

Re: Poems
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 08:12:18 2000 (#921)

Here's another one. It's called Through the Glass. It's probably my longest poem:

As I lok through the glass I am haunted by the image I see there Cold dark black eyes Blood in tangles of hair

Cuts run up and down her slender body Blood flows freely down her skin She has been in a battle with her soul- One she cannot win

I watch as tear trickle down her face She shakes in the pain of her heart She cares not of her injurys They make her other pain depart

I look in horror and I wonder How could she do this? But I know the answer It's as clear as the devil's hiss

She must get rid of her heart's pain She must get free Cutting is the only way she knows It is her only key

But she is slave to cutting It is something she cannot stop To keep he nightly pain away She must cut an awful lot

And as I stare at the scars she has I realize it is not glass I see It's a mirror and the girl in there...... Is me

Re: Poems
Posted by Ryann on Sun Oct 8 20:50:07 2000 (#933)

Great poems guys...I have tons of books of poems that ive written....here's a recent one...not my best;)

A tourniquet to hold your daughter, tourniquets to fight off apathy. A grass grenner than cold marble, a calm safer than hardwood floors... When limbs go limp and her blonde hair refuses to speak, will you call in something other than love? Lonely rooms with padded arms...suffocate frail souls. They suffocate. Drowning in silence, I've tried to scream with with slivers in my stapled throat. From beneath your shoe, this little girl stays tied. In a place where demons gnaw at barred doors...you can't assist. If my eyes echoed as much pain as my body was in, could you see me in all of my glorious sorrow?...Not if I can help it. Grit your teeth and for all your worth, try to teach us that the world can't accept our feelings. Teach us to hold them in until everything is so broken. Teach us to saw off our arms before we can tell our secrets. Teach me to fly... In canyons past burrowed, my veins are full of scar tissue...but No one knows me. No one knows me. In a hold so invasive, your daughter's contours leak. We see what scares you. Blood tainted can't touch, you dear must remain unscathed. So that you can live on to push others under water. There you can't hear them scream.

Re: Poems
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 8 22:19:21 2000 (#937)

That's so beautiful. I like the part about teaching us to hold in our feelings and saw off our arms before we tell. Every therapist should be made to read your poem until they understand what it's like. Then maybe they could be helpful.

Love, DB

Cut.
Posted by Rachel on Sun Oct 8 01:31:18 2000 (#905)

hi, can anyone help me, ive just cut myself pretty badly. ive never had stiches but this time the sides of my cut are 7mm apart and im worried because its still bleeding pretty badly 4 hours later, does anybody know if i need stiches? i cant ask anyone at home as my mum said if i cut again ill b out in a mental hospital. i feel so alone, please somebody help me.

Re: Cut.
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 02:19:58 2000 (#910)

You need to get help!!! Maybe your mom was making a false threat, get help!! See if someone can get you a shrink that is familiar with SI, place a wash cloth with cold water and apply PRESSURE!!!

LOVE?
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 02:06:18 2000 (#908)

Everyone keeps talking about someone out there loving... How does one know? I sometimes ask myself am I true to my numbness and simply go with the motions, I dont value myself enough to NOT hurt myself, and yet someone can love me, when I cant Love them... I say I love you to those in my family, meanwhile I am awaiting the day I never wake up..

Re: LOVE?
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 02:37:26 2000 (#911)

I guess that you can never really know if someone loves you until they prove it. For years, my parents never did anything for me. They started recently after I went to a therapist. I used to think that everyone hated me, so much that I was planning my suicide. Now, my mom says that if I had died, she would fall apart not knowing why I died.

Of course, I'm still not very sure. I love everyone to death and if someone gets mad at me, I will blame myself and start cutting all over again. I haven't cut for so long, the danger of being hospitalized is to great. I stopped cutting for twelve days, and when I cut again, everyone freaks out and says if I do it agian I will be hospitalized for who knows how long. But I can't help thinking that if I died, I woudln't have to hurt anymore. I wouldn't have to cry. I wouldn't have to try....

Re: LOVE?
Posted by NUNI on Sun Oct 8 02:41:07 2000 (#912)

I am getting help, I am glad you responded, I didnt think people felt like me... I mean being afraid of others getting mad at me. I am constantly screening conversations and then I begin imagining if these people are sincere, I fight it so hard to not cut, its been a few days, in fact I hadnt for months and these past weeks have been a struggle I am glad I found this mess board.. I read things you have written,,, QUITE impressed I was hoping you would write me!!!

Re: LOVE?
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 02:50:08 2000 (#914)

I have always wondered if people really meant what they say. Many people have broken promises to me. I just want to know what's real and what's not. I try to keep promises and not make ones I can't keep, but what's the use? Others break promises! I want to stop cutting and make everyone proud of me, but in the meantime, they get mad at me, making me want to cut even more! Like the time I stopped cutting for almost two weeks. When I cut again, everyone got mad at me and threatened me! I felt like I was stupid and rotten. I felt so bad, and I didn't get anybody say they were proud of me for holding out for so long. I just feel so alone. I am sorry to say that all of my true friends are on the internet. My parents don't believe that any of you are real, but I would rather have you than any of my "real" friends. Someday, I would love to meet every one of you.

Re: LOVE?
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 02:53:56 2000 (#916)

We are so real, we bleed to prove it.. You know I am living that double life you mentioned earlier, and when I am alone, I can think and act however I want, meanwhile at work I am a fake, HAPPY--I am described as a go getter, Self starte, LEADER, I dont feel anything, I go through the motions as I am expected to... The feeling returns to me when I cut... and right now I am numb..

Re: LOVE?
Posted by Linda on Sun Oct 8 03:19:00 2000 (#918)

What is love anyway? I am sure we each define it in a different way. I once heard someone say that love is just commitment. As I thought about that I realized how true that was. I have signed many of my e-mails to lots of you with "Love"....what did I mean by that?.....I meant that you had stirred feelings of compassion in me. I meant that I have committed myself to be your friend, to accept you as you are and to help you if I can. I have committed myself to pray for you when your name comes to my mind. I don't believe the old saying "Love is never having to say you're sorry." I have been married 34 years and I have had to say I'm sorry many times. I have not kept all my promises, I have not always been truthful to the letter but I DO love that man with all my heart. I guess part of it is just realizing our humaness and being able to forgive.

Re: LOVE?
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 07:19:17 2000 (#919)

I don't know what love really is. Maybe it's what Linda said, maybe not. I'm not sure. I think it's going beyond liking someone to loving someone. When you like someone, you can just be like acquaintances. When you love someone you are friends, and even beyond that with lovers. The real question should be: Would anyone love you enough to die for you?

Re: LOVE?
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 18:40:42 2000 (#929)

Linda, I am touched by that. I have been married for two years, and even throught the numbness I have this type of loyalty for my husband, and best friend. He doesnt judge me, he accepts and tries to help.. Thank you for sharing in our emotional turmoils... Besides the cutting,, I know I will one day feel ..

In and Out
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 02:42:10 2000 (#913)

Ever wondered if there was two of you? I am beginning to think that there are two of me. The outside is a protective shell. It never lets in any love for fear of being hurt again. It never lets the inside be free. While Inside is trying to break free, trying to realize that it needs love. I feel like I'm being split in half. Inside and Outside a fighting a war and I seem to be an innocent bystander. I feel so out of control. I don't know if I am the outside or the inside. I think I'm both. But I'm so confused. It's not like I have a Bipolar disease or anything, it's just like I am split in half. Does anyone know what that's like?

Re: In and Out
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 02:50:18 2000 (#915)

My goodness!! I am so there with you!! I am seeing a therapist because of what you just described. I am a recovered bulimic, and have struggled with SI, I am unsure of what process we are in, but thanks you make feel UN- alien...

Re: In and Out
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 02:58:07 2000 (#917)

Glad to be of help. I am just so sick of my insides fighting. It's like the outside is just trying to protect the inside, but hurting it in the process. At night, the outside lets the inside be free to dream at about 8:30 or 9:00. I get mostly depressed at night. That's probably why I cut at night. I hope to someday have the outside let the inside free. Maybe I'll stop cutting too!

Re: In and Out
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 8 08:30:15 2000 (#923)

I am with you guys on this one too. That's how I feel too. Nuni, I am a recovering bulimic/anorexic too. It's very hard. It truly is. You can't just avoid food and it's a tough battle. Man, I haven't been posting here very long, but I feel like I finally have a place where I belong. Thank you. All of you.

~laura

Re: In and Out
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 08:39:17 2000 (#925)

Hi Laura, Do you have any idea how to make me together or anything? I'm feeling kinda lost and split between these two personalities.

Re: In and Out
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 8 10:45:02 2000 (#926)

Hm... It's different for everyone. I think talking about it helps. You have to understand that when you let someone in past that wall, there is ALWAYS a risk of being hurt. But EVERY time you don't let someone in that you really want to, you always DO get hurt. I don't know about you, but I blame them for giving up, but I blame myself more for never backing down. You always hurt the ones you love. You are protectiong yourself, and that is human instinct. But so is love. Try letting ONE person in... slowly. And try not to sabbotage it. Know that you DO deserve to be happy. All of us do. Even more so for all that we have gone through. I hope this helps.

*hugs* ~laura

Re: In and Out
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 18:44:02 2000 (#930)

Laura Rose, I am new here also, and i feel so comfortable!! It takes a lot for me to trust...and I am now saying things i havent in a long time. Keep in touch

man, I cut again
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 8 07:45:41 2000 (#920)

Geez guys, I was doing good. I hadn't cut in about 12 hours. I was even *laughing*!!! So what happened? I don't know. The minute my smile faded, I felt so guitly for laughing. I don't feel I have the right to be happy. So I punished myself. About 20 cuts worth this time. Threee of them are pretty deep and probably need stitches, but I am NOT going back to that hospital. My friend Nate is so wonderful. He quit cutting about 3 weeks ago and has not started again. For those of you who have stopped, please - HOW? How did you do it? I don't get it. I can't ever see a day in my life where I will not need this. I can't stand therapists/psychologists. No offense to them, but I personally have never been helped by one, and I have seen MANY. I'm not saying that they don't work at ALL, but just not for me. I always end up picking THEM apart. So.... here I am.. stuck and alone. As usual.

Re: man, I cut again
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 08:35:30 2000 (#924)

Sometimes I feel like I should be punished for being happy. I don't deserve to be happy at all. My life seems really messed up right now. I want to stop cutting and stop disappointing everybody!

Re: man, I cut again
Posted by Ryann on Sun Oct 8 20:57:17 2000 (#934)

i've only cut 2ce in 7 months, but i dunno how i stopped. i woke up one day, looked in the mirror, and just smiled. it might sound all stupid but that's what happened. i rushed back into my room and wrote down all these things that might bring me out of my depressive stupor. they help...ive been in 5 hospitals within a year's span, i saw countless doctors...took meds, nothing helped me. i never believed i'd help myself, until one day, i did. i want to cut more than ever, but i dont know...

Re: man, I cut again
Posted by Lost on Sun Oct 8 22:41:02 2000 (#940)

It sounds like you took my situation right out of my head :) thats exactly what happened with me.

man, I cut again
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 8 08:23:37 2000 (#922)

Re: man, I cut again
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 8 18:06:36 2000 (#927)

I was looking around this site, reading the personal stories and one of then was about how a woman stopped cutting. In the story she thinks to herself, "I have suffered more than enough in my life. I can have some kindness now. I don't deserve to be hurt anymore." I read those three sentences and I cried. I had just finished cleaning a new cut, and I was reading stories to feel not so alone. I came across that one and it just hit me, "I am as good as everyone else. I really DON"T deserve to feel this way. I'm a good person and if I want to be happy, then damn it, I'll be happy." You all deserve to be happy. If you find yourself feeling good for a change, challenge yourself to see how long you can make it last. Just to beat the cutting at it's own game. Nothing feels better then revenge when you're upset, right? So get even. I locked up my stuff and last night I was really thinking hard about looking for the key. It's behind my desk somewhere. The more I thought about it, I realized, why get out of bed, just to scratch around under my desk so I can hurt more? I left the key in it's place and my X-acto knife is still in it's box, where I can't get to it. Try it. Go get one of those metal money boxes for $8 and lock up your blades. Throw the key away or give it to someone you trust. I know it won't stop you from buying more blades, but it can give you enough time to think about it.

Love, DB

Gosh, Linda!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 8 18:12:12 2000 (#928)

I was reading your last post. Man, you just GET it! You're a rare person. I think we're lucky to have you here, since you represent the people we are afraid of driving away, and you haven't left us. You could be a good therapist. That part about being really deep especially got me. We are deep. Most people just don't understand our kind of deep. You understand, and for all of us, I THANK YOU!

Love, DB

Re: Gosh, Linda!
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 8 20:20:23 2000 (#931)

Also, to add to this, Linda - I was not calling you one dimensional in that post I made the other day. DB is right, you are one of the rare people who understands. I have had all but one person in my life give up on me. And he doesn't even seem to understand fully why I do this to myself, and he even used to do it (up until about 3 weeks ago). There are so many in this world that do NOT get it though. We are labeled freaks and then tossed aside. I always say that I feel numb, but it's not true. I always say my pessimism is only rivaled by my ability hate, but that's just part of that outer shell that protects me (as discussed before). I think people who SI actually love more than anyone else. Feelings are magnified for us. Otherwise we wouldn't be blaming ourselves over and over again for what others have done.

~laura rose

Re: Gosh, Linda!
Posted by Linda on Sun Oct 8 21:56:28 2000 (#935)

Awwwwwwwww you guys are so sweet. You know, I understand some of this because I am married to a man that is deeply sensitive. He has had the privilege to be raised in a very healthy environment with a good, strong and stable foundation in faith so he is stronger than some, though I used to think of him as very weak. You all have made me understand him a lot more. When he comes to the table and ALWAYS tells me the one thing that isn't right in the meal, I can now realize that he is only trying to make it perfect because, in his mind, that's the RIGHT way! : ) Thanks again for your comments and thank you all for letting me stay. You all help me in ways you will never know. ((((((((((()))))))))))

Confession
Posted by Linda on Sun Oct 8 22:32:57 2000 (#939)

Sorry guys, I got away from the computer and went about my business only to find that my conscience was burdened with my last post. The Holy Spirit seemed to impress me with the fact that I needed to tell you that my source of understanding is only Him. In myself, I am just like all the rest, but He is the one that loves you so....He is the one that died for you and He alone is the one with true, unquestionable love for each. Many times I have come to this board and been so crushed to read the desperation and I went to Him and asked for wisdom to understand and wisdom to help. If I have helped at all, that would be the reason. You see, He knows your heart and He knows my heart. He can knit us together in a very special bond, so praise Him for any good that has been accomplished. He is truly an awesome God!!! Think of it....look around you....just look at His creation and yet he condescends to us....so small and minute in His presence and yet He carries us like a little lamb if only we will let Him. He loved us so much that He ALLOWED sin into this world so that we could have a free will....yet He provided a way to escape it because of that same love.

Re: Confession
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 22:52:55 2000 (#943)

Simply beautiful, the way you aid it linda. Simply beautiful............:)

Re: Confession
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 8 23:16:56 2000 (#945)

Linda rocks!! So does God! So does everybody who reads this.

Love you all, DB

another crappy poem.
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 8 20:22:18 2000 (#932)

Laying on the cold bathroom tile. I slash even more, produce a smile. I've done it again, this time it's bad. Worse than any cut I've had. Everywhere I look, all I see is red. I'm hovering over my body - I'm dead. Why did I do it? I wanted to die. Simple as that, so please don't cry. I've finally escaped all that I fear. Been putting it off for so many years. Now it is done and there's no turning back. Made up for all of the things that I lack. It's all on the floor and I am no longer. The pain was too much , I couldn't be stronger.

so bad, i didn't even give it a name. ~laura rose

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 8 22:14:17 2000 (#936)

Laura, It's not crappy! You are such a good writer, and you can make it rhyme, too. I could never rhyme. Don't be so hard on yourself. This could actually help you with the cutting. Write some more. We want to read them. Love you lots, DB

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 8 22:20:55 2000 (#938)

Fuck the world, that's what I always say. Care to wager? You wanna play? Do you think my death is justified? When's the last time you cared that I cried? I slash my arms and impail my flesh. Look around at this wonderful mess. I did it myself, no outside persuasion. Call it a holocaustic invasion. Smell the stench that is floating around. My body is stiff and on the ground. Kick me with the boot you used to beat me. Don't quit now, go ahead - defeat me. I dare you to tell me I wasn't a girl who was all you ever wanted in this world. Now I am gone and never again, will you beat me, deceit me and call me your friend.

~laura

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by Lost on Sun Oct 8 22:46:05 2000 (#941)

OH MY GOD! I love your poems SOOOOOO much!!!!!!! You don't even know. I really really really like them A LOT. Please write more.

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by rachel on Sun Oct 8 22:52:53 2000 (#942)

u know laura, lost and DB are right, ure poems are really good. much better than any of my attempts. stay safe.

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Oct 8 22:55:08 2000 (#944)

Just a suggestion, Laura Rose. For the first peomI would call it Dead as Blood. Just a suggestion though, tell me what you think.

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 9 01:40:41 2000 (#949)

DA, I just named it that. thanks for the suggestion.

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 9 01:39:03 2000 (#948)

Rachel, Please do not say that. My poems are not better than anyone elses poems/thoughts. Just because I happen to be wordy and my thoughts tend to rhyme doesn't mean anything. I have poems that are not about cutting and I will post one of them as well. Any way, I love all of the poems I have read. If it is a part of you and comes from you, it will always be amazing....okay? Please don't compare, we are all in this together.

~laura

Re: another crappy poem.
Posted by Laura on Mon Oct 9 00:12:39 2000 (#947)

That poem was not crappy. It was heartbreaking,but your honesty was beautiful. It took a lot of courage to be so frank,and I admire you for that. PS Im new to the web page. Im dealing with the pain of knowing my Mom is a cutter.If you can offer me some advice on how to deal with this,I'd be so appreciative. Take care...and remember...YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Re: (directed towards Laura)
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 9 01:47:04 2000 (#950)

Laura (nice name, by the way) =) All I can say is LOVE HER!!! And know it is not you!!! Do you know what triggered the SI in the first place? Is she getting help? Even if she doesn't want it, she is crying out for it. It kills me to know that you have to know that she does it, that must be very hard, but love her. Don't forget to be a kid though.... I'm not sure of how old you are, but just remember to be your age. You are the daughter and SHE is the mother. As much as you may want to mother her... try not to reverse the roles. Email me any time you want to, or even tell your mom about this message board.

~laura

Cutting Crisis
Posted by Kate on Mon Oct 9 00:07:04 2000 (#946)

Will someone please help me??? I do not self injure,but my Mom does. I feel so helpless,she denies self injury,,,,but cant explain the hundreds of scars on her forearms! every time I see her I notice a new cut and she says a cat scratched her or she bumped into fence. What can I do to help my Mom if she is in denial? I love her so much and am becoming very depressed knowing she's in agony. PS My emai address is posted. I am hoping somebody will take time to write me a massage back and offer some kindeness and support. Thank you.

Re: Cutting Crisis
Posted by rachel on Mon Oct 9 20:35:40 2000 (#965)

heya kate. forstly just want to say if you need any1 to talk to u can e mail me. secondly, ure mum cutting is a way for her to cope with her problems in the saemway as u my cryor ask for help. yuor mum wont stop cutting just cos u and others tell her to, she has to want to herself. just, look after your mum and helop her if she asks for any help with anythnig. take care of her and yourself. e mail me if you wanna chat.

a non-SI poem
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 9 01:56:00 2000 (#951)

Parallax 9.18.00 You do not seek to understand but simply overpass so that you may get one step closer to the beloved piece of ass. It is not the mind that you wish to adore while climbing right inside. Hoping I will give you comfort after I am untied. Does it feel good to belittle me with your testosterone infected mind? To smother my flesh with yourself and call it intertwined? What a sick man you must be to think that this is love. This messed up little Rose you have taken the life right out of. Killed my will in the process for future nights of lust. Don't forget to pass by the mirror and look at your disgust. Do you recognize the angered face that reflects your emotions? Or is this the generic overrated acting that will get you that promotion? Proud of the fact that you can conquer someone who's not even there. Damaged pale skin that can account for every tear. She who derives pleasure from pain that leaves a trail. Knowing no matter what you touch, nothing will always prevail.

~laura

sheesh... I'm pouring my heart out here.
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 9 01:58:25 2000 (#952)

Ten 11.2.96 The path I walk shows no future and the weights are on my back. My mind is so tired while my body is wired and my soul is turning black. I pray for a savior to show me the way as I can hardly see. Living is tough when I'm not good enough and all I have is me. It is very cold and lonely on this walk that some call life. I get shoved on the ground while being kicked when I'm down- and I'm held there by a knife. It's only been minutes yet it feels like hours, when I'm just too terrified to breathe. And I'm telling myself that I still have my health while praying that he will leave. So I lay there in silence beside myself, hoping it all would soon end. I could no longer feel though I knew it was real - there was nothing I could do to defend. My existance was being torn at the seems right before my eyes. All taped up like a worthless slut, I watch as the little girl dies.

~laura

One last SI poem.
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 9 02:01:29 2000 (#953)

let me know if I am bugging you all with my writing....

Spill 9.29.00 The horror swept across his face when he saw the candles glowing. Unaware of the kind of burden his lover was bestowing. He makes his way across the room and sits upon her bed and notices the traces of blood tainting her somber head. What had she done while he was away to cause this beautiful destruction? This little Rose of sullen magic succumbed to the seduction. Tragically leaving behind her love to venture on her own. Throughout this life of nothingness she always felt alone. Pinning others with her fragile frown while piercing them with eyes - saddened by the confinement she always loved to despise. She took what matters in to her own hands and ceased her petty life. Took out all her useless words with one mention of a knife. Plunging this beautiful sword to release all that's frail. Letting it out drop by drop as she is swiftly impailed.

~laura

stopping?
Posted by Katie on Mon Oct 9 02:13:57 2000 (#954)

It's funny...

sometimes I don't think I can ever really stop cutting. It has to be one of my options, all the time, no matter what. But maybe I can choose not to do it sometimes. Or even all the time. That's what I'm working on now; I haven't cut for about three weeks. A long time. {"What do you love more than love?" Dar is singing to me... } okay that's all for now.

-katie

p.s. random propaganda (not really): i made a little SI page here, if you want to look. it's not much, but it's mine.

http://www.crosswinds.n et/~starbreak/start.html

where?
Posted by melissa on Mon Oct 9 05:09:19 2000 (#955)

where's blue rose? does anyone know? i havent heard from her in a few days. i hope shes okay.

love always, melissa

Re: where?
Posted by Linda on Mon Oct 9 05:14:55 2000 (#956)

Melissa, I believe that Rose went home for the weekend. I saw her on AOL messenger Friday afternoon and she was looking forward to a few days at home. I am sure she will be back soon.

hey everyone
Posted by Kristina on Mon Oct 9 05:30:53 2000 (#957)

hey all, i havent written in a while, ive really been low lately. i dont know whats going on or what to do... its jsut so hard to hang on, u know? well, just wanted to say whats up to everyone

Re: hey everyone
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Oct 9 18:03:25 2000 (#962)

Hi Kristina, I haven't met you yet, so here I am, DB. I hope you find a way to hang on. Life is hard to figure out. don't know what else to say, except HI! Hope you stick around here for a while.

Love, DB

Re: hey everyone
Posted by kristina on Sat Oct 14 01:32:00 2000 (#1002)

hey hey.. i plan on it

as long as we're doing poems...
Posted by Katie on Mon Oct 9 05:49:40 2000 (#958)

Here's one from a while ago.

TEAK

The sun sets in a red dish on the table and I ask to be excused all along I have misplaced myself in the jungle of disbelief between all the people who have loved

every tree grows silently

I am sustained by the grain of the wood the surface slick from polishing I slide toward the sun and both of us spill red over the table

intoxicated the other guests drink wine from fluted glasses while I am made lucid by strung beads of blood

harvested like teak from the damp forgiving forests felled for the dining-room tables of people who get splinters from the red raw wood sun-stained and not yet scarred.

oops
Posted by Katie on Mon Oct 9 05:52:52 2000 (#959)

there were supposed to be more line breaks in my poem. oh well. it doesn't make too much difference... you can figure it out...

Re: oops
Posted by kristina on Tue Oct 10 02:09:15 2000 (#974)

thats a really good poem, its kinda weird in a cool way, if that makes sense lol

Poems?
Posted by Dark Angel on Mon Oct 9 17:03:08 2000 (#960)

What is happening to the poems? I will write them out fine and then everything ends up jumbled together. What happened? Does anyone know how to stop it?

Thought I had controll....
Posted by Brad on Mon Oct 9 17:34:51 2000 (#961)

Today it should have been three weeks since I have cut, but it isn`t....

On Saturday I met my x-girlfriend. She was with another boy, on her way home with him...I hadn`t seen here for two weeks or so, and in a way I was glad to see her. I know I`m to blaim mostly for the breakup between us, but I wanted to make it work, and she didn`t....She doesn`t care about me anymore, she didn`t ask how I was and if I had been cutting lately....She just went on and on about that she only wanted to be friends with me, and she told me about all the guys she is seeing at the moment.

I almost started crying, but controlled myself. I felt so sad and emty insiden. All I want is for her to care about me. To call me once in a while and tell me she cares. Why does everybody leave and disapoint me? Why can`t they just love me? I think I cant be loved....I`m sure of it...

When I got home I cut three deep cutts. The deepest ones I have ever had. There was blood everywhere...on my arms, my hands and in my bed. It stopped bleeding after a while when I had bandaged it, but it started bleeding again yesterday in the shower. Today I didn`t take of the bandage in case of it starting to bleed again. Do you think it need stitches? I dont. But I dont have a clue! They are about 2-3 cm long, and the opening is about 3-5 mm (I think thats about 0,5 inches, but I`m not sure...)

I`m going back to the doctor this week, but I dont want to go...I dont want to explain the new scars...

Please anybody, answer me, all I want is a friend...

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by Linda on Mon Oct 9 18:42:56 2000 (#963)

You know, guys, Brad hits on something that I think is important. He mentions that he thinks he is unlovable.....awwww Brad....no you aren't. I feel that this message board is a help to some because it is a way of reaching out to others and getting your mind off your own problems. The Bible tells us that "If a man hath friends, he must show himself friendly." That comes from your Creator, so count on it. Being a friend to someone else will not only make a friend, it will transfer your thoughts of self to something more profitable. I am sure you are hurt deeply with the demise of your relationship with your girlfriend. Those kinds of problems are devastating, especially if you have taken someone into your confidence and shared your heart. But try to think what you were getting from that relationship. Was it validation? Well, Jesus validated you when He paid for your sins. Accept it, because it is true. He never lies!

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 9 19:02:47 2000 (#964)

Brad ~ First of all, *huge hugs*... I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. I don't know what else to say other than I am sory.

Your cuts may need some medical attention, I'm sorry to say. I know you don't want that, but you want them to heal too, right? Please don't let this one step back be the start of something even more harmful....

Although you may feel that people don't care, know that we do, okay? I am online a lot of the time. My AIM screen name is somefumblerchick. And feel free to email me too...

Please know that i care, and take care of yourself, okay?

~laura

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Oct 9 22:30:38 2000 (#966)

We will be your friends, Brad. I didn't know anybody when I first came here, but they opened up to me and genuinely cared. Please come back here. we'd like to talk to you more. Linda's right, you can be loved and you are loved. It's good that you reached out. I went five days with no cuts, but today, I was in the bathtub and I took a disposable razor and cut tiny tracks on my leg. Maybe it's just my opinion, but it doesn't sound like the breakup was mostly your fault. You said you wanted to make it work. All you can do is try. Feel better, okay?

Love, DB

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by Anka (Brad) on Mon Oct 9 23:30:31 2000 (#968)

Hello everybody!

Thanks for your`e answers and support.

I have a confession to make. My name is not Brad, it`s Anka. I`m sorry I havent been completely honest about my identety, but I was scared someone I know would see my posts here, and understand all about my cutting. I`m really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me...????

My name is Anka, I`m a girl, not a boy, I`m from Norway and I`m 18.

I feel that I can trust you, so I decided to tell my real name, and display my e-mail adress, so please mail me.

Back to my scars...They havent bleed all day, but they hurt...I guess I have to show them to my doc on thursday, and tell him why I did them. It will be my second time there, and I`m kind of nervous...He was gonna find me a good therapist, and he was very nice, but I don`t want to go...

Hope you aren`t to upset with my little lie...

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by Anka (Brad) on Mon Oct 9 23:30:51 2000 (#969)

Hello everybody!

Thanks for your`e answers and support.

My name is Anka, I`m a girl, not a boy, I`m from Norway and I`m 18.

I feel that I can trust you, so I decided to tell my real name, and display my e-mail adress, so please mail me.

Hope you aren`t to upset with my little lie...

By the way, what is AIM screen name?

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 10 00:30:21 2000 (#970)

It's okay, Anka. It's completely understandable why you didn't want to use your real name. My name isn't DeliriousButterfly. It's Lori, but you can probably figure that out by looking at my e-mail address. Most people have a hard time being honest about the cutting. I hope your doctor's visit goes well and if you decide to go to therapy, then good luck with that as well. How long have you been cutting? I've done it since about 14 and I'm 22 now. Oh, the AIM screen name Laura told you about is the AOL Instant Messenger. If you have AIM, you can talk to her. She's really nice. You would like her. We all try to be nice to each other in here. If you need help with anything, just talk to us. We understand what you're going through.

Love, DB

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by laura rose on Tue Oct 10 01:02:56 2000 (#971)

awww... thanks Lori. Anka, please don't feel bad about not wanting to feel vulnerable, you were protecting yourself and I think all of us understand that. I know you don't want therapy, I fully understand that. Nobody wants to be picked apart by someone. You need to do what is safest for you though. I'm not going to preach to you, because that would be the blind leading the blind. But I can relate, and I think that is the intent of this message board ~ to NOT feel alone. I hope to hear from you in the future..... don't ever hesitate to talk.

~laura

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by kristina on Tue Oct 10 02:17:09 2000 (#975)

hey anka, like they said, everyone in here understands what ur going through and we do care... i know what u mean about not wanting anyone to see, i dont put my email address up for that reason. but i will email u adn talk if u ever want me to :)

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by Linda on Tue Oct 10 17:33:40 2000 (#977)

((((((((((((((Anka)))))))))))) )))))No need to ask our forgiveness for protecting yourself. Just know that you are accepted here.

Re: Thought I had controll....
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 11 01:58:26 2000 (#981)

I know how you feel. Every guy leaves me also. Don't worry you'll find someone. Hang in there. Don't give up by cutting. It is not worth it.

Where's Maggie?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Oct 9 22:44:01 2000 (#967)

She hasn't posted in a few days. Anybody heard from her? I e-mailed her, but she hasn't replied so far. Maybe she's busy? Hope she's okay.

Love, DB

Re: Where's Maggie?
Posted by Maggie on Tue Oct 10 12:34:22 2000 (#976)

Hi.

I'm fine. Thanks for caring. I've read all the poetry posted up these last few days, and I think you are all great! Maybe there is a relationship between poetry writing ability and SI??? I broke my one week abstinance period from cutting last night... I forgot how good it felt, and my gosh it helped so much! One week ago I figured that even though I cut every day, it was having less effect on me - like it no longer made me feel any better. So I stopped, and life seemed so much better because I also started trying to make things work positively. But that happiness was another delusion, because yesterday I got rudely awakened into the reality of my life - that it is miserable no matter what pretense I put up.. So I cut again, not too bad but enough for me to have that same calm feeling afterwards. How I missed it. I read all your posts everyday, but I just had nothing of interest to put up, and no useful advice to give. Does anyone know what happened to "who cares". The last time she wrote she was threatening suicide, and I worry that she hasn't posted anything lately...

My Blade Came Out To Play
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 10 17:36:38 2000 (#978)

Yesterday was my fifth day, no cuts. I had locked up all my scissors and blades. Last night, I was trembling so bad, I had to do something, so I found one of the keys to my box and took out my X-acto. I carefully broke the skin on my leg. I kept going a little deeper. It didn't even hurt after I broke the skin. It's only about an inch long and it doesn't go deep enough to need stitches. I can't get stitches without everyone finding out about it, so I won't cut too deep. Anyway, I just kept going over the cut. It didn't bleed very much at all. I thought it would, since I wanted to see the blood. I also cut myself with a disposable razor in the bath tub. I dragged it across my leg sideways instead of up and down like when you shave, and I cut a few scratches on my stomach last night, too. I felt so calm after I had done it, but I had bad dreams all night about people trying to see what I had done. Today I locked the blade back up and I will have to do something else with the key, so I really can't get to my stuff next time. I have to quit. My life will fall apart all over again if I don't. It's weird how good I felt last night, like I could finally breath again. Before, I was really hot. I laid my hand on my leg and it was like I was going to burn if I didn't move my hand. After I bled a little, I was cool. It's like there was just too much blood in my body and I had to get some of it out. Even if it was just a few drops. I'll quit going on and on now!

Love, DB

Re: My Blade Came Out To Play
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 11 02:03:23 2000 (#982)

It is not the objects that you need to get rid of it is the urge to cut. You can lock up all the sharp objects in the world and you will still find a way to hurt yourself. I have been there. I have quit for two months and it hasn't been easy. YOu can do it. I am here if you need to talk.

Re: My Blade Came Out To Play
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Oct 11 16:40:01 2000 (#990)

Kate,

How did you stop?!? I want to know. I've only started back for about a week. It had been several months before this week, and it was only one time then. I guess you're right about finding other ways to hurt myself. I can't think of anything I would do, but I know what you mean. Thanks for helping.

Love, DB

Re: My Blade Came Out To Play
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 11 22:28:18 2000 (#993)

I chose to stop because I wanted to. So I got help from anyone who would listen. I decided that the first step to accepting myself is to stop hurting myself. It is complicated but I know you can do it. Also I promised my mom I wouldn't anymore and my therapist.

Getting scarred in tattoo parlors.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 10 20:16:58 2000 (#979)

I was watching the Learning Channel the other night and they were talking about scarring as tribal rituals. In some African tribes, the bigger the scars, the more desirable a person is. The show was about all kinds of body modification. At some tattoo parlors, you can get "scarred" with a blade. The artist takes whatever design you like and cuts it into your skin. If that's acceptable in society, why aren't we? We just don't go to tatoo parlors for our scars.

Something to think about...

Love, DB

unsure
Posted by Nuni on Wed Oct 11 01:22:29 2000 (#980)

Has anyone ever felt so helpless... You think you are doing so great nad then one little thing happens and in your eyes it becomes magnified a million times over and you think its teh end of he world??? I am so there right now, I hadnt cut in so long and it happened I was doing so great now I am back to ground ZERO... can someone please let me in, tell me I am not alone, that I dont deserve to damage myself..I feel so helpless!!

Re: unsure
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 11 02:05:52 2000 (#983)

I have totally been there. It could be as simple as a stupid guy. He does something to hurt you and your mood changes in a moment. You have to have faith in yourself. Don't worry about anything or anyone else. I am here if you need to talk.

Re: unsure
Posted by nuni on Wed Oct 11 02:23:17 2000 (#984)

Thanks... I cant believe i am so weak sometimes I let my emotions escape me... I cant control them... but I am calm now I was reading teh message board so i wouldnt feel so alone.. Dont you feel so alone sometimes Kate? even if you are surrounded by those who claim to love you and care about you?? Thanks for being there.. Nuni

Re: unsure
Posted by Lost on Wed Oct 11 02:53:06 2000 (#985)

any LITTLE thing can set me into that feeling of hopelessness. I could've had the best day in the world... but if my parents say the littlest thing to me that seems to be rude I will go in my room and cry and cry and cry. It could be as simple as my friend not being able to talk on the phone right then. i don't know. i guess I'm just kinda psycho... but the littlest stupidest things make me feel so alone and so helpless. And sometimes I don't even know what the hell it was that set me into that mood. I hate not being able to control my emotions and my feelings. Ok thats all.......

Re: unsure
Posted by nuni on Wed Oct 11 03:10:04 2000 (#987)

I can relate, and I often find myself repeating the words people use on me in my head over and over...until I feel everything spinning Like i am the most worthless piece of nothing!!! why do we torture ourselves??? Do other One-dimensionals-non-deep thinkers realize what torture we put ourselves in to spare their feelings? because I think its what we do, we spare their feelings and allow inner-turmoil to plague ours...

Re: unsure
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 11 22:22:46 2000 (#992)

I do feel alone and helpless at times. I used to think everyone hates me but not as much. I know how you feel though.

Yes I guess I f*cked up again
Posted by laura rose on Wed Oct 11 03:06:10 2000 (#986)

You all know that Everclear song? "Don't fall down now, you will never get up". Well, I have been listening to that song a lot today. Why, you ask? Well, this is why. I was doing good. Very good, for me.... I had not cut in 1 day, 15 hours and some minutes..... well, that all came to a halt. I just did about an hour ago. Not as deep as normal, but probably enough to where I maybe should have stitches. I don't really even know why I did it. I went to a group therapy for the first time today and talked to other people who SI. I met some really nice people. But I left there sad. Here I was, listening to all of these stories and we all had a common bond. We were hurt over and over and we blame ourselves over and over. Well, I felt like punishing myself for what all of these people have gone through. Damn.... why can't there just be an "anti-cutting" pill? I just hate this and i hate myself even more for doing it.

~laura

Re: Yes I guess I f*cked up again
Posted by Nuni on Wed Oct 11 03:16:21 2000 (#988)

I dont think that anyone will ever invent a anti-cutting pill. I use to frequent support groups... They dont always work, I dont want to offend you but, You have to be able to DETACH your feelings from those that you are there to "support" you share eachothers feelings... but you have to try so hard not to make them your own... and that too is so difficult. So you cut again... I know that feeling, you feel alive again, I lose the numbness for awhile and realize I still exist in a world that doesnt want me or acceot me... you survived this self punishment as we all do, live again to fight through another urge.. You are not alone my friend, I am with you through the pain...

Re: Yes I guess I f*cked up again
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Oct 11 16:36:22 2000 (#989)

Laura,

As much as you hate yourself right now, that's how much you are loved by everyone here. I love you for the hope you give me. I can identify with that part of yourself that you hate. I feel the same way sometimes. I think that a day and 15 hours is excellent. Don't think of this as a slip-up, think of it as extending the time between cuts.

Love you lots, DB

Told my mother
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Oct 11 16:47:03 2000 (#991)

Okay, so I told her. I was so afraid she'd get mad I told her on the phone. The funny thing is, we live in the same house! I called from my cousin's house. She wasn't mad. I wouldn't let her see the cuts, that would freak her out. She asked a couple of times, but I said no. My dad doesn't know and I don't plan on telling him. He wouldnt understand this and it would only worry him. If anybody wants to read the poetry I write, I have put it on a website. I'm not asking anyone to visit, just letting you know it's there. One thing, though, the guestbook doesn't work yet. Sorry. Here's the address: http://www.fortunecity.com/mel tingpot/sweden/1207 Like I said, I'm not putting it up in hopes of getting visitors, just if you wanted to know, that's all. No big deal.

Love, DB

Re: Told my mother
Posted by Anka on Wed Oct 11 23:19:25 2000 (#994)

Hello!

Good for you that you told your mother. I know it`s difficult, I was so nervous when I was going to tell mine...How did she react? Don`t show her the scars, I did and she got pretty upset. Today she asked to see my arms, I didn`t lett her because the three deep cutts are infected and doesn`t look good. I hope your mom is understanding. I think maybe the first step to stop is to tell, but we will see...Good luck!

Love Anka

Re: Told my mother
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Oct 12 17:03:29 2000 (#996)

My mother reacted pretty well, all things considered. She did want to see the cuts, but I wouldn't let her. I told her there was only one, when there are five. I don't want her to worry too much. She always gives me that, "I'm just a bad mother, I guess." line. I don't need to hear that right now. It will just make me feel bad for letting her down. I'm going to try my hardest to not cut ever again. I think Kate is right. Telling someone and promising to do your best can really help. It just hurts too much to cut now. Not physically, but mentally, I can't handle it. The screaming is starting to die down inside now. I am thankful for that most of all. I'm sorry your cuts are infected. Promise me you will take care of them. Thanks for caring!

Love, DB

I was at the doctor today
Posted by Anka on Thu Oct 12 14:39:02 2000 (#995)

I was at the doctor today, second time. He is sending me to a clinic, to get therapy there. Lucky for me I don`t have to stay there...My first appointment wont be, until next month or so, because there is a long waiting list. I don`t know if I`m happy about it, it`s like I dont feel anything about it... Well...just wanted to tell someone... Can any of you tell me how it`s like in therapy?

Love Anka

Re: I was at the doctor today
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Oct 12 17:12:58 2000 (#997)

Hi Anka,

I've been in therapy on and off for the past seven years, but not for cutting. I had panic attacks, but that's another story. Therapy wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I went in and sat down in a chair across from my therapist. We just had conversations. We talked about my problems and tried to figure out the best ways to overcome them. Do you know if your therapist is "SI-friendly"? That can help a lot. I haven't ever told a therapist about the cutting, but that was because I wasn't doing it at the time I was seeing them. It's ironic, I cut before I started, and after I quit. Maybe that's a sign, I don't know. Anyway, if for some reason you don't feel right with the therapist, you can ask to see someone else. You should feel comfortable with a person who's going to know so much about you. If you don't like them, don't be afraid to say you're having a hard time opening up. A good therapist will recommend someone else that you may get along with better. Just do what feels right to you. Good luck with everything. It may be a good thing that you have to wait a while. It will give you time to get used to the idea. Write me if you want to talk more about it.

Love, DB:)

Re: I was at the doctor today
Posted by rachel on Thu Oct 12 20:22:46 2000 (#998)

hi. i went to see a psychotherapist for the first time last week. i was sooo scared before i went in, but surprisingly it wasnt that bad. my therapist only asked to see my arm once and i didnt show her my wrist or my arm in any great detail. he/she will just ask you qu about why you do it/ how it makes you feel and what made u do it the first time. if you confide in her and tell her what makes u angry/ frustrated etc then she will try to help you. e mail me if u wanna chat

SCARED
Posted by LOST on Fri Oct 13 05:09:11 2000 (#999)

OH GOD. I HAVE A FEELING THAT SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I CAN FEEL IT IN MY STOMACH. I'M SO SCARED. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME. IT FEELS LIKE DEATH IS CLOSING IN ON ME OR SOMETHING. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME TOMMOROW THEN EXPECT ME NEVER TO COME BACK. I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE. LOVE YOU ALL.

Re: SCARED
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Oct 13 17:46:42 2000 (#1000)

Dear Lost,

I hope you are okay. Try to hold on. I don't even know what to say, but I care and I know everybody else does. I guess I just wanted you to know that. I hope we hear from you tomorrow...

Love, DB

Lonely
Posted by Kate on Fri Oct 13 22:27:00 2000 (#1001)

I know this sounds cheesey, but I feel so alone. I have family and friends but no boyfriend. Every guy I have started seeing gets scared off because they are afraid of committment. I see all these happy couples and I feel like crap. Am I destined to be alone because I am different?

Re: Lonely
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 14 01:32:31 2000 (#1003)

Awww...Kate, I'm sorry you feel alone. I guess we don't help that much in THAT way!! I don't have a boyfriend either. I know how you feel. I've never had a real boyfriend. I am just really shy sometimes. Usually commitment freaks guys out, but I get freaked out by it, too. I don't know if I want a boyfriend. I just want somebody who is laid-back, cares about the scars, but isn't afraid of them, doesn't need a commitment any time soon, stuff like that. Just somebody to hold me when I need it. I guess that's what you want too. Nobody ever holds me. My cousin hugged me the other day and I didn't know what to do. People don't "touch" me very much. I guess I just want somebody to do that. It may as well be a man. The attention would be nice....

Love, DB

Re: Lonely
Posted by Anka on Sat Oct 14 03:29:07 2000 (#1004)

I know just what you mean. A boy like that would be perfect....I have this one boy, but I dont know if I dear to tell him why I have all this scars.But I dont want to go in to a relationship witout the other part knowing. If you know what I mean? I guess I have to see what happends...I asked my x-boyfriend to forgive me today and give me another chance, I think all will be better with him, but I guess he will not even give me an answer...In one way I hate him, but in another way I really like him...

Re: Lonely
Posted by Lost on Sat Oct 14 08:20:37 2000 (#1006)

man. I know exactly what u guys are talking about when it comes to wanting to be held. One of my friends has helped a lot (even though she doesn't know it). She has helped raise my confidence by telling me that I'm pretty and that she loves me all the time and stuff. She's also a very "touchy/feely" type person and constantly gives me hugs or leans on me (just in the friendship kind of way) and its weird because I'm not used to these things at all, but she's kind of helping me out. I don't have a boyfriend to hold me either. Mine is in jail and he won't get out for another 8 months. that is such a long time... and by that time I don't even know if i'll be alive. It gets so lonely out here. Even if I'm in a room full of people... I'm still oh so lonely. I just want to feel wanted inside. To feel like there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm worthy of being loved. I don't know how to accept compliments because if someone does compliment me, I always think that they are making fun of me even if they're not. I need confidence. I think that's what we all need. Self confidence and to truly believe that we are worthy of all the good things in life, instead of the bad :) I hope you guys are all doing ok... and sorry about that last message. I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday.

I LOVE U ALL!!!!!!!
Posted by Christine on Sat Oct 14 04:10:44 2000 (#1005)

I just wanted to tel you guys how much I love you its as if I actually know you and I tell you guys more than I tell my friends just thought I'd let u know that you'r all lovable just remember that.

Re: I LOVE U ALL!!!!!!!
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 18 23:52:36 2000 (#1024)

Thankyou. You probably don't know me as well as the others. But I am Kate and I have problems. That is me in a nutshell.

To LOST
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 14 17:43:47 2000 (#1007)

I'm glad you're still here. Are you okay? Maybe you don't feel so great? Don't worry about the post. You had something to say and you said it. No harm in that. I know that everybody here hopes you feel better and that you keep posting here cause we luv you!

Love, DB

Just curious
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 14 17:50:48 2000 (#1008)

I was reading the posts about boyfriends and stuff and I started wondering.....are there any guys who read the posts on this board? No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I was wondering if there were guys who had problems talking to girls about their cutting. Call it an experiment. If you're a guy and you're reading this, what's it like to tell a girl about the cutting?

Love, DB

Re: Just curious
Posted by Kate on Sun Oct 15 20:21:02 2000 (#1011)

I would like to know that too. If there are i was just wandering why guy are such lying assholes who hurt girls all the time. sorry if I sound rude but I am so sick of it. If a girl get mad if her boyfriend cheats on her she is a psycho bitch, but a guy has every right to be mad and the girl that cheats on him is still a bitch.

cutting
Posted by Miara on Sun Oct 15 10:35:51 2000 (#1009)

Hey I haven't posted here in a while. I just got out of the hospital for cutting. 3 months/6th time. i've cut my wrist 7 times since i've been out. how old is everyone? I see some new names. and some old ones. i remember kate.

Re: cutting
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 15 17:37:07 2000 (#1010)

Hi, I'm DeliriousButterfly, or Lori, whichever. I'll be 23 next month. I just started cutting again at the first of October. I started when I was about 14. Don't remember exactly...I've only been coming here a couple of weeks. So far, I know Laura Rose, Melissa, Dark Angel, Linda, and Maggie. I love them all. I hope to get to know more, including you. How old are you?

Love, DB

Re: cutting
Posted by Kate on Sun Oct 15 20:23:56 2000 (#1012)

Its good to here from you. I am 22 but I think I have talked to you on here before. I have quit for about three months now but I have still been having problems with backstabbing bitches and assholes. Well I'll talk to you later.

Re: cutting
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 15 23:28:23 2000 (#1013)

Hi, well, I am laura (middle name is rose). I'm 23. I've been cutting for about 7 years now. It is not as bad as it has been, but it is still bad.... I don't think it could ever be called "good". Last night I cut about 50 times or so. Grr.... I get so frustrated with myself for doing it. Then I take that frustration and use it to cut again. Talk about a vicious cycle, no? Well, I tried to quit last week. That did not last too long. I don't know too many people on here... The few I have mat have been great *waves*. Any way... I'm feeling weak again... I just want to go as deep as I can... as beyond the white as I can get.... I hate this feeling...

~laura

Re: cutting
Posted by rachel on Mon Oct 16 19:17:21 2000 (#1015)

heya, im 14 from wales. ive been cutting for about a year and a half now but it only started getting serious a few months ago. lots of my cuts have needed stitches but i cant have them because i cannot tell my mum. well speak to u soon, stay safe.

Re: cutting
Posted by Christine on Thu Oct 19 03:32:25 2000 (#1025)

Hi I'm Christine I'm 16 Or will be in 2 months.I'v been cutting for a long time.I'v been hospitalised 4 times.I dont know what else to say but if you wanna talk what ever I'm here.

no more
Posted by blue rose on Mon Oct 16 04:51:58 2000 (#1014)

Hi everyone. There's a lot of new people here so I don't know if anyone will remember me. I haven't cut in 2 weeks and 3 days. My longest sinse I don't even remember when. So, if I can do it, there is hope for you all. That's all I really wanted to say. Take care of yourselves and stay safe.

Re: no more
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Oct 16 21:38:30 2000 (#1016)

2 weeks and 3 days!!! That's great! I haven't cut in exactly a week. I kind of had a little meltdown right before I told anyone about it. Now that my mom knows and a few other relatives, I can't cut anymore. They would 'notice' a change in me. I can't hold bad things in now. It breaks me up inside. I have been a little mor nervous the past week, but I hope that will go away. At least I haven't had any more panic attacks. I used to have them a lot and still take meds for it. I will have to take them for the rest of my life. You've done really well and I hope you keep adding days on to the 2 weeks and 3 days.

Love, DB:)

Re: no more
Posted by Anka on Tue Oct 17 17:18:37 2000 (#1020)

That`s really great. Keep it up! I think everyone here is proud of you.

Love Anka

backstabbing
Posted by KATE on Mon Oct 16 23:36:10 2000 (#1017)

i am so sick of everyone. i have been backstabbed three times by different people. i hate everyone. i wish i was away from everyone.

Re: backstabbing
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 17 23:01:48 2000 (#1022)

Who is backstabbing you? Is it someone on the board? Anything we can do to help?

Love, DB

Re: backstabbing
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 18 23:49:37 2000 (#1023)

No it is absolutley not anyone here. You guys don't seem like that type. It is a couple of old friends, a guy, and a sub at the school I student teach at. The sub is gone but I am still hurt over my friends and the guy. i am so lonely. i feel like I have nobody.

Re: backstabbing
Posted by FallenAngel on Sun Oct 22 04:31:06 2000 (#1051)

I totally get how you feel. I feel so alone--like I have no one. That's why I cut. Sometimes I feel like my razor is the only friend I have.

not trying anymore
Posted by laura rose on Tue Oct 17 02:27:03 2000 (#1018)

That's it!!!!!!! I give up. I have tried and tried to quit this. Nothing helps ~ nothing works. The fact is I LIKE CUTTING MYSELF!!! I love it. It feels good. It may kill me one day, but I don't care anymore. This is what I was meant to do. I have tried everything (yes, even God) and I'm telling you.... I am done. I'm not going to go and try to kill myself again, but I am going to add to my scars and laugh the whole time. I tried to stop..... and the fact is that I just can't. So I am just going to accept it and move on in life. Sorry for the rant.

~laura

Re: not trying anymore
Posted by Lost on Tue Oct 17 09:01:42 2000 (#1019)

think about your child

Re: not trying anymore
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 17 18:13:00 2000 (#1021)

Laura,

I don't know exactly what to say, but I want say something. I am sad that you are giving up. You are a very special person to me and I love you dearly. I want you to be happy and whatever makes you happy, do it. Maybe someday you will try to stop again. If you do, I'll be there and so will everyone else who loves you. Will you still come to the board? I hope so, because we would miss reading your poetry and stuff. Here's a *hug* from all of us.

Love, DB

Just Cuz!!!!!!!!
Posted by Christine on Thu Oct 19 03:47:32 2000 (#1026)

I'm so happy I just wanted to share my happiness w/ you all and tell you to never give up the fight cuz you can do anything it just takes time and paciants oh and tons of hard work.So just thought I'd share this w/ you all cant stay on and write any more I'm to hyper k BYE!!!

Common
Posted by Maggie on Thu Oct 19 12:02:17 2000 (#1027)

I was at a friends house the other night and I went into the bathroom to find a friend lying on the floor with blood on her arms. It turned out that she had cut her wrists with a knife (although she was on the floor because she was drunk). I asked her whether she did it because she wanted to die, or to make herself feel better. She said she did it to feel better. She did it once before apparently, but she doesn't realise that it is a fairly common thing. She thinks she is a freak and the only one who does it. I wasn't sure whether to tell her that what she does is called SI, because I know that after having found that out myself, I had less desire to stop as I began to accept it. All her other friends who saw it that night have been going on to me about how weird she is for cutting herself - if only they knew that I do it too!!! They were also wondering why I seemed to know the right things to say to her that night to calm her down... Should I tell her I do it too? The support from someone who understands may help her, but at the same time could hinder her recovery... Any ideas?

Re: Common
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Oct 19 16:56:26 2000 (#1028)

Maybe it would be good for her to know what a serious problem it is. If you tell her that you cut, too, maybe she will be able to talk about her problems with you. I wouldn't tell my other friends, though. If they ask why you know so much, tell them you read about it. Maybe it would help both of you to have each other to talk to.

Love, DB

My poetry
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Oct 19 17:03:14 2000 (#1029)

Hi everybody, I just wanted to let everyone know that I've put up more poems up on my little website if anyone wants to read them. Most of the newer ones are about cutting. If you're interested the address is:

http://www.fortunecity. com/meltingpot/sweden/1207

Love, DB

I'm new here but...
Posted by Marie on Thu Oct 19 22:15:53 2000 (#1030)

I'm just now discovering that I'm not alone out here. I've been cutting for about 5 years now, and I am so scared! It started with minor burns, went to pin pricks to scratches to cuts, now I use a razor, and one cut at a time doesn't ease the ache any more. I find myself having to go further and further to feel better. I don't want to do this.... can anyone out there help me? I'm desperate.

Re: I'm new here but...
Posted by Kate on Thu Oct 19 22:21:21 2000 (#1031)

I know how you feel I have been there. I have quit for now but I still feel like shit. i am happy to meet you and help you in any way I can.

I just wanted to say...
Posted by Kate on Thu Oct 19 22:24:52 2000 (#1032)

I just wanted to say this board is doing good for me. Not only have you guys been supportive but I have been able to lend some support also. Which makes me feel that I am worth something. I used to hate girls. I thought they were fake, petty, and boring but after being on this board, which is mostly girls. I realized that is possible to be friends with girls. You guys are so down to earth and deep and I don't meet many people like that. I just wanted to tell you that.

Re: I just wanted to say...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Oct 20 01:36:14 2000 (#1034)

Kate, You're deep too, honey. We all love you and each other. I know I'll probably never be able to talk to anyone in my life about this the way I can here and that DOES mean a lot. It's good that you've found a place to belong. Keep coming back, okay?

Love, DB

God, someone HELP me!!!
Posted by laura rose on Thu Oct 19 23:10:45 2000 (#1033)

So, I just got done making about 5 or 6 cuts that probably need stitches. I'm 23 years old!!!! I'm so lost and so confused. Here I have this beautiful 2 and 1/2 year old son who means the world to me and I just can't stop hurting myself. I feel as if I have failed in my life. I'm not trying to kill myself!! Why doesn't anyone understand? This is the only way I know to deal with pain. This is the only proof I have that I am still alive and can feel. At one point in time I was anorexic AND bulimic (for 10 years), a drug addict (5 years) and I was cutting (which has been for about 7 years now). At least I have stopped all but the cutting. But this is the hardest one to give up. I just don't know what to do. Talking about it helps. Anytime I feel myself starting to become happy, I HAVE to ruin it. Do you guys do that too? It's like "what right do I have to feel happiness?". Then I have to go hurt myself for it. My husband does NOT understand. I take care of our son all day and he thinks that I am going to hurt him!!! Oh my God!!! Cameron means the WORLD to me... I could NEVER hurt him. He thinks I am a danger to everyone.... I'm not though. Why don't they understand that yelling only makes it worse? Why don't they understand that I don't want him to FIX it for me.... I just want to be HEARD?!?! That's the problem... they try to fix it and take control of the situation... when that is not what is needed. We need to be held. Like a mother holds her baby... we need to be held like that and loved. Not fixed!! I know a lot of you have mentioned wanting a boyfriend and things like that. The grass is always greener, I suppose, because my relationship seems to make it worse. I try to be a wife, a mother, a daughter and I don't have any time to just be me. I don't even know who the hell I am, but I would like to find out. Gosh.... I'm sorry for this long rant but I am SOOOO frustrated right now. It just rips me apart. Please!!! Someone talk to me.... I need to get this out and no one will listen to me.

~laura

Re: God, someone HELP me!!!
Posted by kate on Fri Oct 20 22:48:48 2000 (#1042)

I will talk to you. I don't know much I can say. I am Kate and I am 22. I am an ex-cutter but I still have problems. I know you are going through. You feel that the world is against you, you feel empty and helpless. You need to hang in there not just for your family but for yourself. YOu need to reach inside yourself and know that you are a strong, good person. Maybe you should get a good therapist but keep writing here. I will do the best I can to support and help you. Take care. write back. If you want to email me you can.

Re: God, someone HELP me!!!
Posted by empty remains on Fri Oct 27 10:20:06 2000 (#1132)

i know how you feel my boyfriend is the same way with me. he's now worried that i may hurt our baby to be. i'm alot younger then you but i'm a great listener and i'd love to talk with you. please get ahold of me, soon. please take care. love and hugs

HELP ME
Posted by psychoo on Fri Oct 20 08:14:00 2000 (#1035)

Someone help me. I have the urge to burn is anyone out there!!!!

Re: HELP ME
Posted by Maggie on Fri Oct 20 13:34:50 2000 (#1036)

Dear Psychoo,

The easiest way to prevent burning yourself is to not have that urge anymore. I find that the temptation comes and goes, and if you can find a way to distract yourself while that temptation is there, the moment may pass and you wont feel like it after. Like my best way is to have a deep, hot bubble bath - with no razors in the bathroom! That way I don't have access to one right there, and can not physically cut myself until I have got dried, dressed etc. And normally the bath calms me down anyway, so I don't need to later. Maybe this might work for you... maybe take a long walk without anything to burn yourself with, ring up a friend to chat, bake cookies or whatever it takes for you to keep safe... Good luck.

Re: HELP ME--Might be helpful for everyone
Posted by FallenAngel on Wed Oct 25 23:22:31 2000 (#1097)

I am in a program called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) where we learn specific skills to help us cope when we experience the urge to hurt ourselves. One set of skills is called Distress Tolerance. They are used for crisis intervention--right in the moment when we're feeling an urge in order to distract us. One that I thought would help you when you have the urge to burn is called "alternate sensations." Take an ice cube and just press it against your skin where you would normally burn yourself. After a while it will start to hurt like a bitch. You'll get sort of "shot back into reality" with the pain, but it's a "get out of jail free card" because it's not self-harming (doesn't break skin or leave a scar). Other things to try are rolling a wire brush across your skin or twanging your wrist with a rubberband. For those of us who get a rush out of the visual effects, it helps me to put red food coloring on my skin after using the ice cube or wire brush to simulate blood. These ideas may sound twisted to anyone who has never self-harmed, but when you're caught up in that turmoil of raging emotion, it's a means of survival. I hope this helps someone!

Fighting off the urge
Posted by Marie on Fri Oct 20 14:49:48 2000 (#1037)

Do any of you feel like you're fighting a losing battle? I do. I'm here at work, where I should be safe... no privacy to cut... but I have a razor blade just staring at me... It's for opening packages when we get deliveries... I have to use it every day and every time I pick it up I wish it was my skin I was cutting.. not cardboard boxes... I just pray I never get alone time here with that thing.... help?....

Re: Fighting off the urge
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Oct 20 20:18:41 2000 (#1040)

Maybe if you could make sure someone will be right there with you every time you have to use the blade, it would stop you. Also think about how dirty it probably is and about the infection you could get if you cut with it. Don't know if this helps, but you're not alone.

Love, DB

to D B
Posted by Marie on Sat Oct 21 23:12:51 2000 (#1047)

anything helps... thanks for the advice.

Re: Fighting off the urge
Posted by katie on Mon Oct 23 02:54:32 2000 (#1067)

maybe i know how you feel... we had those box cutter things at work this summer. they drove me nuts. i did cut with one, once. probably wasn't a good idea.

right now it's been over a month since i've cut, but it's always in the back of my head somewhere. i still want to. but maybe the wanting doesn't matter, as long as i can keep myself from acting. if i can.

keep trying. i don't know if it gets easier, but maybe it makes you stronger bit by bit, every day or hour or whatever you can go without cutting. i hope so.

katie

HELP FOR ALL
Posted by Linda on Fri Oct 20 17:57:53 2000 (#1038)

Haven't been here for a while because I have been real busy but just reading these posts breaks my heart all over again. OH HOW I WISH I could give each one of you the faith to believe that Jesus is the answer to your problems. If you could accept His forgiveness for your sins, you could understand that if He has forgiven you, why shouldn't you do the same. We are all vile and wicked sinners but He can take our place if we ask. When we accept that, then we can claim the promises in His word....like this one: I Corinthians 10:13 "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man; but GOD IS FAITHFUL, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." So, if you receive His Holy Spirit, you have this promise to hold on to. There will be battles and depending upon how deep you are into your addiction, it may be long but HE PROMISED that the temptation would not be more than you could bear and that there WOULD be a way of escape. Thank you, Lord!

Re: HELP FOR ALL
Posted by neal on Fri Oct 20 20:04:05 2000 (#1039)

Please, much as I'm sure that you are full of good temptations, Why post a message like that? surely you can offer people help without trying to force feed them your own beliefs and faiths. I find that quite offensive, I just think that if you want to talk about religion do it on religious themed message board. I mean Do you honestly think copying out a paragraph from a book is going to make people into happy, well adjusted individuals? Its just that your message seems to based more on proclaiming your superiority to everyone and your love of God than offering any sound or helpful advice. I don't mean to rant on but the more I read your message the more angry I get. But I'm sure you meant well I just don't think that you should be so self righteous.

Re: HELP FOR ALL
Posted by Lost on Fri Oct 20 22:35:40 2000 (#1041)

I totally agree with Neal... but I still love ya linda!

Re: HELP FOR ALL
Posted by Kate on Fri Oct 20 22:52:19 2000 (#1043)

I agree with Neal also. Why tell us how evil and vial we are when you are trying to help. I believe our strength comes from ourselves, not Jesus, not anyone else. Thats is where I am going to find and keep mine!

Re: HELP FOR ALL
Posted by Linda on Sat Oct 21 00:11:48 2000 (#1044)

Neal, you and the others do not understand. I said that WE are all sinners....that included me! If I wanted to, I could list my sins but I don't have to, not because I am better than you but because there is no need for it. My sins have been covered. Now if I could stand here and brag that they were covered because I had obeyed every commandment in the Bible or had done works in comparison to Mother Teresa or some other saintly person, I could understand your being offended at my attitude but that was NOT how I meant that. If that is the way it came across, please accept my apology. I don't know you or Kate but Lost and I have had a sweet friendship for the past couple of months and yet this very issue divides us. What I say in regards to this, I say because I see it as a rope to a drowning person......I was drowning once.....my whole family was drowning once but someone loved us enough to throw us a rope. Have you ever tried the rope I am throwing you? If it would help why would you refuse it. I have never wished harm to any of you and most certainly do nothing to intentionally increase your pain. I remain a friend to this board!

Re: HELP FOR ALL
Posted by lost on Sat Oct 21 00:16:18 2000 (#1045)

i have grabbed that rope... more than once... and I still keep my views on it. it works for u... but not for some of us. that is just the way it goes.