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Threads 101 to 150

no point!
Posted by Lost on Fri Jul 14 05:48:25 2000 (#375)

I found out 2 things in the past 10 minutes. #1 I no longer am employed. #2 my very close friend might not live because she decided to get into a car with a drunk driver. she's in the hospital still and they don't think she'll make it. It's times like these that makes me realize just how fuck'n wonderful life really is! I'm not even sad about all of this. I don't feel anything. no sadness no hate no happiness... just calm and numb. I want it to end.

Re: no point!
Posted by Kathrine J on Fri Jul 14 16:29:13 2000 (#376)

Lost, I'm not sure I can say anything to comfort you or make you feel better about everything going on in your life right now, but you'll just have to let it pass you over, and keep being numb to it, I think.Perhaps you don't feel anything cause you're shocked by it all.You may wake up tomorrow and feel like you can face it.I hope you start to feel better soon that's all I can say really. But sometimes just knowing someone is listening is enough to get you on the road back to sanity. Be strong Kathrine J xxxxx

CARELESSNESS,RELAPSE, CUTTING , BREAKING, SLICING
Posted by KAYLA MARIE on Fri Jul 14 23:11:37 2000 (#380)

HELP. THATS ALL MOST OF US WANT. ME TOO . I'M 14 YEARS OLD AND CUTTING SINCE I WAS 12. I LIKED IT STILL DO. THE PAIN THATS THERE IS BETTER THAN THE PAIN I FEEL FROM OTHER PEOPLE. SOME PEOPLE KNOW WHAT I DO ONLY ONE REALLY KNOWS THOUGH. I TOLD HER OR SHE FOUND OUT BY READING MY JOURNAL. SO NOW I DONT KEEP ONE UNLESS ITS ON A DISC. PEOPLE HURT ME SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER KNOWING I'M IN CONTROLL OF HOW MUCH I WANT TO PHYSICALLY HURT. I CUT ALMOST EVERY DAY AND MOSTLY ON THE SAME PLACE. MY SCHOOL COUNSELOR FOUND OUT FROM A GUY WHO SAW MY ARM. SHE TRIED TO TALK TO ME BUT I CONTINUED TO HIDE FROM HER I DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO HER. I WANTED TO TALK TO MY FRIENDS AND TELL THEM MY SECRET, BUT ITS TOO HARD. RIGHT NOW SINCE ITS SUMMER I KEEP MY CUTS TO THE UPPER THIGHS AND STOMACHE SINCE NO ONE SEES THOSE PLACES. WHAT WOULDS THIS DO TO MY PARENTS? NOT THAT THAT MATTERS SOME OF THIS IS THERE FAULT. THEY SPLIT UP AND MY MOM IS COMPETING FOR ME AND MY DADS AT A LOSS. I HATE THEM BOTH FOR WHAT THEY DID TO THIS FAMILY BUT MY MOMS THE ONE THAT LEFT. I TRY AND STOP CUTTING JUST SO THE TEACHERS WOULDNT KNOW BUT SINCE IM GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR I WONT HAVE THAT PROBLEM. OR THE FRIENDS TO GO WITH IT SINCE THEIR GOING INTO TOWN WHILE I GO TO BOULDER A TOWN 30 SOME MILES AWAY. I WANT TO HEAR FROM PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT THINK ABOUT THIS. WHO SHOULD I TELL AND WHY SHOULD I TELL THEM FIRST. DO I NEED HELP. WHAT DO I DO IF I CANT TELL THEM. SHOULD I GET SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR ME. BUT HOW WHEN I CANT TELL ANY ONE. THIS SUCKS SO MUCH.

Re: CARELESSNESS,RELAPSE, CUTTING , BREAKING, SLIC
Posted by blue rose on Sat Jul 15 08:47:40 2000 (#381)

Hi Kayla,

I'm really proud of you, you took the first step in getting help by coming here and posting your feelings. It would be a good idea to tell someone about your problem. Tell your guidance coulselor (or another trusted adult). That's what I did and she helped me find a professional that I could talk to. If you do go see a psychologist, make sure they are familiar with the problem of self-harm. If they're not then they can't offer much help. You may want to tell your parents also. This takes a whole lot of courage, I haven't been able to tell my parents yet, and I've been injuring myself since I was 12 also (I'm now 18). Your parents may be able to offer support that no one else can.

You should also let them know that they are hurting you. They are probably so focused on their own problems that your pain is overlooked.

You have to tell them that you hurt and that you want help. Otherwise they'll never know.

If all else fails, you will always get support here. There are a lot of people here who are very kind and intellegent who can offer help and support.

If you ever need someone to vent on, feel free to e-mail me.

Stay safe.

-Blue Rose

Big Problem!!!
Posted by Kate on Sat Jul 15 14:49:10 2000 (#382)

I am so pissed. Last night a girl I don't know too well confronted me about my cutting. My friend told her, I am so pissed. I only told two people, my friend and my sister. I haven't known my friend too long, but she figured out my cutting one night in a conversation about cutting. Now everyone probably knows. I am so embarrassed. I want to die.

Re: Big Problem!!!
Posted by kayla on Sat Jul 15 21:20:35 2000 (#387)

thats sucks huh. ive had that happen to me but no body believed it. how could someone that strange do something like that is what they all said. what are you more afraid of people knowing or you having to go get treatment?

Re: Big Problem!!!
Posted by Kate on Sat Jul 15 21:53:17 2000 (#388)

I am afraid of people knowing. It is none of their business. I am so pissed at her. I am going to confront her. I just hope I have the strength to stand up to her.

Re: Big Problem!!!
Posted by Lost on Sat Jul 15 22:51:31 2000 (#389)

That would TOTALLY piss me off. You don't even know the girl? She's just being lame and nosy by getting in your business. People always confront me about mine (if they see my ankles or legs) and they always point and say "what the hell is that" really loud. It doesn't bother me at all anymore though. Whenever I meet someone and I'm starting to get close to them, I ALWAYS let them know about my cutting and my previous hospitalizations. Not because I'm PROUD of it... but because it is a part of me and I wish none of it had ever happened but I know that if someone is going to accept me, it's gonna have to be for ME and that includes my cutting and all. Its probably different wherever you live... but around here (san bernardino, ca) *where everything is ghetto* its not uncommon. I mean not a lot of people actually do it... but theres enough for it not to be a big deal when you find out about it(its mostly teenagers, like myself) I've stopped thinking about what other people think... and I think thats a big part of why I'm not secretive about my problem. You have to stop being scared about what people are going to think because its stopping you from helping yourself. If this stuff gets out about you... OH WELL... theres always ways to get past that... move... go to a new school... something. But in the long run it will be a lot better for you if you get help now. You don't want to end up middle aged and still living a lie.

you can e-mail me if you want. :)

stay safe.

think about it

Lost

Re: Big Problem!!!
Posted by Kate on Sun Jul 16 01:44:41 2000 (#392)

I am so pissed but it wasn't my friend and I believe that she didn't say anything because she doesn't even talk to this girl and she is 31 and probably has more important things to think about. This girl who knows is psycho, she has had it in for me because I am friends with her boyfriend. She could totally use this against me. There is a guy who listens to people's conversations at a bar so i think it was him. i am never talking to anyone again.

Re: Big Problem!!!
Posted by Joe on Wed Jul 19 00:07:08 2000 (#404)

hey - 2 things. dont stop talking. whatever you do. most people find it as their lifeline when its too late and cant use it. if you find someone you can trust, then you must talk, as long as you be carefull, you should be alright. second thing. go kate, go kate, go go go kate! go stand up for yourself! believe you can do it. dont get negative. be posative, and it will happen. Joe good luck

Re: Big Problem!!!
Posted by Kate on Wed Jul 19 02:37:13 2000 (#406)

This is my worst enemy who might know that I cut myself. I don't trust her. But I need to confront her to find out if this is what she knows about me. She may be messing with. The problem is I have so much trouble talking to this girl. I just freeze and let her accuse me of everything. I don't feel strong enough to stand up to her.

Re: Big Problem!!!
Posted by Joe on Wed Jul 19 21:39:13 2000 (#411)

yeah - im not gonna say i know what you mean coz you wont believe me ( nothing personal or anything :) ) thing is, you musnt try and avoid her, it makes you feel more insecure. i dont know any way to help you feel more confident, coz the only things i know are those books that tell you how to stand upto bullies, and we all know there poo. when you stand up to her, makes sure shes on her own. if shes with friends, it wont work. i dont know if this has helped or anything, but good luck.

TEARS OF BLOOD
Posted by Sara on Sat Jul 15 18:21:30 2000 (#385)

A favorite line from my favorite poem...

I cry, I do,

But not as you...

My tears are made of blood.

I wrote this in a moment of despair...no one has ever read it, but that doesn't mean I wish someone wouldn't. I want to be heard. My only fear is that I won't be UNDERSTOOD.

Re: TEARS OF BLOOD
Posted by Joe on Tue Jul 18 23:58:56 2000 (#403)

i am not sure what to say as i will probably muck it up. i dunno if this will be any help but, people cant understand me, they have to be like me, and nobody wants to even be a bit like me. whenever i want to say somthing, im afraid people wont understand and get the wrong idea and hate me even more. im so sorry i cant offer any advice, because i dont have any myself. sorry.

Re: TEARS OF BLOOD
Posted by Sara on Wed Jul 19 04:56:34 2000 (#407)

Joe- No, it means a lot that you even replied...that post of mine has been up for days and no one even wrote back...thank you. That's all I can say. If you ever need someone to talk to, get in touch with me.

Re: TEARS OF BLOOD
Posted by Joe on Wed Jul 19 21:35:52 2000 (#410)

thankyou.

Re: TEARS OF BLOOD
Posted by Sara on Wed Jul 19 22:17:45 2000 (#412)

YOU'RE WELCOME.

oh noo
Posted by kayla on Sun Jul 16 00:47:50 2000 (#390)

i did it again. i relapsed. i cut 22 times. 21 on one leg and 1 on my arm. god i thought i wouldnt do that so much. and i even did it while i was in a good mood. so what does this say about me? no matter what i do i'll continue to cut even if i wanted to stop. the cuts look extremely sore but not deep just surface and a little skin cut. although i can never really tell when the cut is deep. i just continue to cut. even while my father was upstairs watching tv. i cut while my sister was in her room and to my surprise she didnt notice.

Re: oh noo
Posted by Joe on Wed Jul 19 00:14:33 2000 (#405)

i hate it when that happens. one time i cut when my dad was sitting right next to me talking and he didnt notice. i didnt want to shout at my dad, but i was reall stressed. i felt completly ignored. did you feel like that?

Re: oh noo
Posted by kayla on Fri Jul 21 01:04:16 2000 (#418)

yes i feel like this all the time. and i hate it.

Re: oh noo
Posted by Dark Angel on Thu Aug 31 22:09:40 2000 (#647)

That sucks. I once cut and my friends were in the same room as me. I think they noticed, they kept whispering and made me feel worse.

laughed my ass off
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jul 16 00:56:57 2000 (#391)

I was cleaning my room today and I found my journal from when I was 16. In it I wrote a letter to myself. It was only one line. It read...

"Dear Rose, DON'T CUT YOUR FUCKING WRISTS ANYMORE YOU SHITHEAD."

I laughed so hard I nearly pissed in my pants. I don't know why it was so funny but it was. I was smarter 2 years ago then I am now. It's just ironic how 2 yrs can numb a persons mind. Especially mine.

Fare thee well.

Re: laughed my ass off
Posted by Kathrine J on Mon Jul 17 00:37:11 2000 (#393)

Rose, I too have diaries from when I was 16, I'm 21 now.I stopped keeping a diary at the beginning of 1999.When i look back and read what i've written at the time I thought everything was as bad as it could ever be.Now I'm older I feel I'm more screwed up,frightened,innocent and pathetic than I was then.I saw a video today of when i was 17 at a family party.I had a vest on and there were no horrific scars on my arms, you know that could be recognised or seen by others.The only scars then were scratches on the inside of my arm and wrists that only I knew were there.Now I can't wear vests or anything cause I have really terrible scars on the top of my arms.I think I'm worse now,I think the older you get the more you deteriorate in your head.I'm a prisoner in my own mind.It keeps me locked up inside myself.I think i'll be dead by the age of 25 cause there is nothing left to stay here for.25 is a good age to go.Old enough to know it's not worth staying, young enough to reclaim your innocence from where ever your tattered and scarred soul may end up.Sorry if this is depressing or triggering to any of you.But I can't apologise for everything in this world.Even though I may feel responsible for it in my heart.You eventually fall if you try to carry the world on your shoulders.I know the day will come when i will collapse and crumble under the weight of carrying myself. Love Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: laughed my ass off
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jul 17 06:44:01 2000 (#395)

Why do you carry the world on your shoulders?

What's wrong? Do people ask you that a lot? People have stoppped asking me what's wrong with me, and I wish they'd still ask. I just realized that you might feel the same way I do.

If you don't, I apologize for my assumption. But, if you want to tell someone what's wrong, I'd love to listen (or read as the case may be).

rain_dropps@yahoo.com de_rosita@hotmail.com AOL Instant Messanger: rose aik

Re: laughed my ass off
Posted by Kathrine Jones on Tue Jul 18 00:02:52 2000 (#399)

Rose, I don't know why I feel I carry the weight of the world on my shouders.I jsut feel that way.I know i'm not the only one who feels like that.Cemetarys are full of people like me who just can't stand the world that surrounds them.My mother thinks I'm a tortured soul, I guess I do to.I know that sounds silly and poetic but I do believe that there are people like that.Especially mentally ill people.There is a stigma attached to mental illness, that you should be afraid or that they have a couple of screws loose.I don't think that's tru either i think we see things that ordinary people will never see.I can't watch tv or talk about mindless things cause it's too bleak and mundane.But I only feel that way when i'm ill, when i'm ok i'm reasonably happy and think maybe I can have an ok life.But being a manic depressive doesn't let you live in peace.Like I said you are a prisoner in your own mind.I write poetry and write down what I feel and see.Some of it's crap but a lot of it is almost genius.But then I don't know if that's the happy me being optimistic or the ill me having delusions of grandeur.My mother says I've been like it since I was a child.I don't know.Am I right or am I wrong. So Rose, tell me how you feel, really feel.And you never did tell me about why I have sexual hangups the way i do when I've never even touched a man.Tell me I want to know. Love Kathrine J xxxxx

I'M HERE ANYTIME ANY SUBJECT
Posted by ALICE on Tue Sep 5 05:25:53 2000 (#683)

I understand cutting because my sister does it. I've pulled knives out of her hand, bandaged her wounds, even held her down until help got here. I suffer from moderate to severe depression myself. I'm 31 and studying to be a counselor because I do understand it so well and most of the shrinks I've been to don't seem to have ever experienced it.

Please write

Re: laughed my ass off
Posted by kayla on Tue Jul 18 00:16:51 2000 (#400)

god, ive had one of those days like that. a few weeks ago a found my journal which i obediently wrote in every day for 4 years. the first 2 years were good as a 12 year old girls life was supposed to be. then as i turned older my journal became more like frequent outbursts. in almost all my entries for a year until a few months ago they all talked about not cutting my self and that i was doing more harm than not. yea right that so did not help. i continued to cut and make myself look like a battle ground. when no one asked about the cuts and left it as the cat scratched my arm i began to feel that people didnt care or didnt want to know what went on around closed doors. yes i still cut to this day and for around two years ive tried to deny it but i cant its part of who i am. i have since then stopped writing in my journal and instead write on pieces of paper which every month i burn to keep away from prying eyes which more times than i can remember my oh so faith full friend has read so dilligently and actually laughed at what i do. can you believe it? even after she reads it she laughs instead of trying to help me. i've tried so hard to make people proud of me but i always come in second. my sister the pretty one thin and blonde has always gotten my parents attention before i have. yes im a good person do what im told and am polite to all until i find some reason they dislike me.

when did this all start?
Posted by kayla on Tue Jul 18 00:23:09 2000 (#401)

the only thing i know about when it started is that when i was younger i was always fascinated with my blood and seeing how much i could hurt myself with out making myself cry. as a child i would stick pins in any body part available. i would fall off my bike to cut my knee. id step on a nail to hurt myself. i never really realized what i was doing to myself until earlier this year when i figured out that i did this as a form of si. it only started getting bad around two years ago so thats when i consider the beginning. if i was to go on when i first started hurting myself i would have to say the age of 6 or 7. young? it all was soo innocent to me. but now its a fight for survival or the fight to hold your self not to cut one more day and see how long you could go. not very long. it always came back to me in the end.

Hello?
Posted by Jill on Wed Jul 19 07:44:12 2000 (#408)

Is anyone out there. This is my first time here, so I really dont' know what to say. I have been a 'burner' since i was 13. I am 23 now. I have done really good for about 4 months, I screwed up tonight. I am so scared that I will start again. I want to do it again, and again.

Re: Hello?
Posted by Kathrine J on Wed Jul 19 14:14:15 2000 (#409)

Please don't do it again.Four months is a long time and you should be chuffed with yourself for being so strong.You can do it again.We've all been doing reasonably well lately, helping eachother out.What you could do is see if you can beat your last stretch without burning.That is how i get through.I Hope that helps.But if your not doing well you can leave messages on here for us to read, you can guarantee someone will reply to you. Be strong Kathrine J

A poem I wrote after E.R.
Posted by Samantha on Wed Jul 19 23:29:32 2000 (#413)

Sphere

There’s a one metre radius surrounding me When I move it moves with me On the other side of the line is reality Just beyond me I can almost touch it But it moves beyond my reach.

The sphere is always there to remind me Of the one thing I want but cant have The air inside creates pressure and I panic It’s thick and hard to breathe With high levels of anxiety, paranoia, self doubt and self hate.

I meet people daily who don’t breathe this air I wish to belong to that race To feel human, to be allowed out.

I wish the surface of the sphere was there to protect me To provide some control over the inner turmoil But its main purpose is to prevent all the dirt From being washed away.

It gives me a view of what the world could be like But never allows me to experience it for myself To feel it, taste it, swim in it.

No matter how many times I cut deep to release the pressure Let the dirt run out and take back some control It will always reside within the sphere Like the scars on my body And the pain inside To remind me that while I exist on this planet Dreams of belonging, self-respect and normality Can only be lived by those on the outside.

You won't listen, will you? HELP ME...please...!
Posted by Sara on Thu Jul 20 03:21:15 2000 (#414)

I am SO MAD at this world, I'm so mad at the people and at all the shit that has happened to me........I'm 13 years old, I shouldn't have to worry about what I'm going to EAT the next day, whether I should throw it up, or where on my body I should place the next scar! I'm so TIRED of all this, it's so UNJUSTIFIED! I am 13 and worrying about which of my friends will LIVE until high school, I have to worry about whether I am going to live until high school! Suicide no longer seems outrageous, and it's hard to breathe! I post, I reach out for help...no one seems to be listening anymore...it was a big deal when it all began, but now I'm just another cutter, just another teen with a weight obsession, JUST ANOTHER SCREW UP! I hate this life and I hate where I live...I want nothing more than to be happy, wish for nothing else but the day when I can move out of this city! I just don't know if I'm going to win this battle anymore, guys.

Re: You won't listen, will you? HELP ME...please..
Posted by Kathrine J on Thu Jul 20 14:15:14 2000 (#416)

Sara, I'm just putting this message on the board so yo know I'm listening to you.I've said before that I can't say anything to make any of you feel better.I know what it's like, even when someone says something you almost never find it comforting cause it's just too hard.I am here reading this board though so someone is listening. Sorry that's all I can say. Be strong Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: You won't listen, will you? HELP ME...please..
Posted by Sara on Thu Jul 20 16:19:11 2000 (#417)

Thank you for writing back, anyway...it's true that no one can really do anything or say anything that makes you feel better...you have to heal from the inside first, and I suppose that's what I'll have to do too. But it will take so much time...and I don't know how long I have left. Good luck to everyone,

~Sara~

oh how i hate this
Posted by eileen on Thu Jul 20 05:53:25 2000 (#415)

i dont know how to stop this stupid thing called cutting that i constantly do or think about. i know a lot of people that do it, but i just want to talk to somebody who doesn't know me like the back of my hand. i want to feel like i am accepted, like im not a freak cuz im manic deppresive...god i just need a friend. thanks. -e

Re: oh how i hate this
Posted by kayla on Fri Jul 21 01:15:56 2000 (#420)

your not a freak. if you are then so are the 2 million people who cut. and yes you are accepted. why wouldnt you be? hope you have a good day.

Re: oh how i hate this
Posted by Joe on Fri Jul 21 23:57:08 2000 (#421)

i dont know you, but if i can help let me know. im 13/male/uk if that helps

i dont want this to stop
Posted by kayla on Fri Jul 21 01:13:12 2000 (#419)

sometimes i feel like this is what my life was meant to be. like this is why im here. i cut all the time and it even cut soo deep that i had to tape it together so it wouldnt split worse. i cant be taken to the hospital because then i would get yelled at and they would want to know why i cut. i dont want to tell them and its none of their business. i like the feeling i get from cutting even though people say its bad. and they say mean things about cutting not knowing i do and they want to know how screwed up a person must be to cut. i guess it depends. doesnt it. the only place where i know i'm accepted as a cutter and even you dont know me. i thought it was bad that i cut with a razor but now with glass. its getting worse and more frequent than it used to be before. i dont want to cut because its the only thing i do that makes me happy and makes me feel human. god thats sick. im cutting myself to feel alive. whats worse is all the people around who see it but dont say anything about it or they arent sure what im doing to myself. even if i did cut too deep in the wrong spot i wouldnt tell anybody. not ever. how could i? not when their so judge mental to every one around .

Re: i dont want this to stop
Posted by Joe on Sat Jul 22 00:00:16 2000 (#422)

good speech. i guess what makes me sick was not when i moved on to glass, but when everday, i am stupidenough to cut somewere that people will see in school. such as my forearm and stuff. i shouldnt be talking now coz this is your space. just to say good luck, mail me please oh please. Joe

online support group
Posted by heather on Sat Jul 22 16:44:31 2000 (#423)

i have an online support group for people who self injure. there also is a chatroom we meet at on mo,wed and sturdays.

Re: online support group
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jul 23 01:42:49 2000 (#424)

where is it?

Depressed
Posted by Lost on Sun Jul 23 03:03:14 2000 (#425)

I'm soooo depressed. I try to hide it but it gets so overwhelming sometimes. It hits me at weird times. I can be smiling and laughing with a group of people and then for no reason I'll just stop seeing the point of life and just go into my own world. They see it happen and they try their best to get me out of my depressed mood... but it just makes it worse because they're bringing attention to my problem. They always want to know WHY I'm sad and all that... but there isn't a specific reason. Its just everything melted all together and you cant tell one problem from another. I hate how everyone else is so happy and how they don't have to force their smiles. I hate how they'll say that they're soooo depressed when they don't even know the true meaning of depression. They think depression is "oh my god, bob just broke up with me. I'm sad" Thats not TRUE depression. Its more deep rooted than that. I hate how I feel like such an outsider when it comes to everyone and everything. I don't even feel like I fit in with my closest friends anymore. I pretty much stay in my house now. I'll go out sometimes to party... just to see if i can feel like I fit in again... but it doesn't work. It always makes me feel worse. No one see's any of this but me. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I have major psychological problems. I don't know. I want to be normal so bad. I look and act normal to everyone else... but on the inside I'm dead.

I know this didn't have to do with self-injury. sorry

Re: Depressed
Posted by Kathrine J on Sun Jul 23 16:05:33 2000 (#426)

You're not the only one who feels that way.I'm a manic depressive too.It's so hard t try to explain to people I don't bother anymore.I too get that feeling wash ovfer me for no reason.You can't say what it is but you know it's there.I know people who don't know I'm ill at all.I can be with them and them all of a sudden I feel that thing whatevr it may be come over me and it drains everything from my body,mind and soul.And they don't know what I'm going through.Sometimes I can be watching TV or reading quite quietly and content then suddenly I look up close my eyes and I'll have a single tear come and fall sown my face because I feel so awfuly lost inside.Sometimes it stays other times it goes.I really do understand what you mean.You don't have to explain it to me.I just want you too know I feel the same.And I think it does have a lot to do with self injury.That's why I'm a cutter cause i can't live a normal life. Be strong Kathrine J

Re: Depressed
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 23 23:20:05 2000 (#427)

i kinda get the same sorta thing, im sort of feeling really happy and like nothings wrong, when all of a sudden i realise how stupid i sound, look, act and think etc.i just feel, lonely. i also hate the way people say they are depressed. one of my "friends", told me that one time he had scracthed himself by mistake because he was depressed. it was complete bullshit. he wasnt depressed, he was just trying to show off like he does in front of his mates. im not allowed to be depressed, none of my councillors think i am, my mum doesnt, my gp doesnt. it just means im inferior to my only friends ( you guys and gals ). i dont want to be depressed as such, but i must be, thinking about suicide every ten minutes, attempting suicide 3 times this year, all my s.i .

sorry, i kinda nicked your original message, but just to let ya know that if ya wanna talk email me.

Joe nb- from what i understood, there are no rules to this board, you can talk about anything. im sure no-one here minds. dont be sorry, be happy! at least thats what im always told, (the be happy thing)

Re: Depressed
Posted by Lost on Sun Jul 23 23:57:44 2000 (#428)

Hey. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not a retard for feeling the way I do. No one around me really understands. I mean, they know I get depressed but I think they might think I'm doing it for attention which makes me feel even more retarded... cuz thats the last thing I want them to think. I cry a lot for no reason. I don't understand it. I wish I could get better. Are there any medicines that actually work? I used to take prozac, depakote, adavan, zyprexa and other stuff... but none of it worked.

Re: Depressed
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jul 24 00:19:47 2000 (#429)

What a coincidence that so many of us are bipolar. I have a question for you all. I am usually more manic that depressed, or I'm in that droning "inbetween" stage, and that's when I cut. Either when I'm bouncing off the walls, thoughts and words racing, or when I feel nothing at all. Do any of you feel the same? And, if so, how do you control it?

About the medicine, I took Lithobid (lithium) for awhile but it did me no good. Maybe I didn't take it long enough because I've heard that it works wonders for other people. There are many others out there, you just have to find a doctor that you trust, and that knows you well enough to prescribe medicine correctly.

Stay Safe.

P.S. I apologize to all the people who's messages/e-mails I haven't responded to. I haven't been myself lately, I'll get back on track soon, I hope.

Re: Depressed
Posted by joe on Mon Jul 24 00:34:58 2000 (#430)

i dont know aboutdrugs, iv always been warned off them. one time, i was gonna get put on prozac, but they changed their mind coz they think ill try and od again or summin. my only real frend, ( real as in met ), told me to stay away from drugs, but if they help, i guess it wouldnt bother me. im not entirely sure what bipolar is though. could someone who actually knows what there talking about, ie anyone other than a doctor, please explain to me? thankyou so much

Re: Depressed
Posted by Lost on Mon Jul 24 01:25:41 2000 (#431)

Yeah... could someone (as joe said) please explain exactly what bipolor is and manic depressive is. I've had one doctor say I was bipolor and another say i was manic depressive and another say there was nothing wrong with me and another say they didn't know. so i want to get an understanding of what they are so maybe I can judge it for myself...

thanks

Re: Depressed
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jul 24 08:47:11 2000 (#432)

Bipolar Disorder and Manic Depression are the same thing. Bipolar is just the new term for the disorer. There are many many websites that explain exactly what it is. Basically, it is described by extreme mood swings from "mania", complete uphoria, rapid speach and thoughts, delusions of grandeur, excessiveness is pleasures (i.e. spending exsesssive amounts of money, doing drugs or drinking alcohol, being extremely sexually premiscuous[me], basically just out of control), and "depression" where a person, usually coming out of a manic stage, has feelings of extreme guilt and hopelessness. There are two form of this disorder: Bipolar I and Bipolar II. I have been diagnosed as Bipolar II, this basically means that all the symptoms are the same, but except for "mania" there is "hypomania" where all the things from mania occur but in a lesser degree. This is just a brief summary of what I know, if you want to know more go to www.healthyplace.com and click on the links for Bipolar disorder. They have a lot of good information.

~bluerose~

Re: Depressed
Posted by Joe on Tue Jul 25 01:03:21 2000 (#433)

thankyou

read me
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jul 25 23:03:24 2000 (#435)

Where has everyone gone? I miss our discussions, I suppose it's only been a couple of days, but still.

So, HOW IS EVERYONE??

Re: read me
Posted by Joe on Wed Jul 26 00:48:18 2000 (#436)

in response,kinda, im just wondering if anyone knows were Gemma is?

im not getting on very well, no change there. how are you blue rose?

POEM
Posted by Lost on Wed Jul 26 05:23:52 2000 (#437)

To feel unwanted- Abandoned and used Your world's slowly fading- You're lost and confused When no one around you- Cares what you do Your heart's filled with hate- If only they knew That just one more day- In this crazy world May be your last- You're a scared little girl To reach out, just once- And cause someone else pain Would give you great pleasure- But the scars still remain With too many secrets- Locked up, deep inside You've found it harder- to just run and hide And so many problems- You can't deal with them all You're losing your balance- Beginning to fall With no one to catch you- Or tell you they care This world isn't right- Nothing's ever been fair But, you don't stop pretending- You can deal with the strife And with a heart filled with hate- You go on with your life...

I don't know who wrote this poem... but I liked it alot and I just thought I'd post it here... maybe someone here can relate to it like I did.

Re: POEM
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jul 26 07:26:30 2000 (#439)

beautiful

Thank you, lost.

Re: POEM
Posted by Sara on Thu Jul 27 18:09:15 2000 (#441)

I loved this....it was like reading my diary....I sent a poem in to this site to be posted like 2 months ago, but they never wrote back....it's pissing me off.

Letting you know.
Posted by Kate on Thu Jul 27 00:56:58 2000 (#440)

I just want everyone to know that I am okay. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I have been trying to quit cutting. It has been over a week since I have cut. Talk to you later!

Re: Letting you know.
Posted by Joe on Thu Jul 27 19:45:45 2000 (#442)

glad to hear it. well done. keep it up.

Last Night
Posted by Kate on Fri Jul 28 15:16:54 2000 (#443)

Last night I cut for the first time in a couple weeks. I had found out this guy I was seeing was still with his ex. The girl had know idea, so I told her because it is not right for him to be with both of us. The girl was really upset but not at me. I still feel like a horrible person and I hate myself even more than I usually do. So I cut myself.

Re: Last Night
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jul 30 21:27:05 2000 (#451)

There is no reason for you to hate yourself because of someone elses actions. You're not the selfish ass hole, he is. I'm really sad that you were feeling so bad that you had to cut yourself, but that couple of weeks that you didn't cut is wonderful. If you did it once you can do it again.

Stay safe.

I THINK I MIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM...VERY important
Posted by Sara on Sat Jul 29 04:32:12 2000 (#444)

I AM IN LOVE, my boyfriend Steve and I have been together for a while now and I'm totally in love with him...but for the past month, he has acted differently...things are still pretty much the same, except for the BIG thing---he has stopped supporting me like he used to. For example, I called him the other night, really upset...not to the cutting point yet, but getting there. It took him 10 minutes to ask what was wrong, where a month ago he would have known right away from my voice...I said nothing, because I felt stupid saying "I'm lonely," which he's heard a thousand times...but he used to talk to me, beg me to tell him, until I finally did--last night, he said "Fine, if you're going to be like that and not tell me, I'm getting off the phone." I didn't believe him. But he did. Now here's what hurts.....I COULD HAVE BEEN SUICIDAL! What if I was holding a razor blade to my wrists, called him in despair, but he threw a hissy fit when I wouldn't tell him what my reason for being upset was? I don't feel safe anymore! He used to make me feel so safe. Now, I dont' even want to call him when I'm upset, because he might hang up... THIS ALL COMES BACK TO THE VERY FRIST PROBLEM! PEOPLE LET YOU DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I turned to the blade one year ago THIS MONTH because I couldn't trust people anymore...NOW what do I do?

Re: I THINK I MIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM...VERY impor
Posted by Lost on Sat Jul 29 19:30:11 2000 (#445)

I totally know how you feel. Thats my situation now with all my friends. They used to care if I was sad and stuff but now I can be almost crying and they'll just walk passed me without saying anything. Your boyfriend just might not know what to do anymore. He might be sick of it (not to be mean) because people who haven't gone through what you're going through sometimes are concerned in the begining but after a while might think its for attention or just might want to tell you to get over it. It's hard to not have someone there to comfort you. The best thing you can do is explain it to him, just like you did to us and maybe he'll understand... and if he doesn't then maybe you should break up with him because it will be causing you too much added stress to stay with someone who's not there for you and doesn't understand you.

Re: I THINK I MIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM...VERY impor
Posted by Sara on Sun Jul 30 01:16:14 2000 (#448)

That's exactly how it is...he just seemed to stop caring. It's not rational...I still love him and know he still loves me. But how safe can I feel when it's possible for him to HANG UP when I need him the most? I agree with your idea about talking to him, but I just can't call him. I believe that HE needs to call me, and maybe that's stupid, but it's what I feel. I know he'll have some type of excuse [ex. "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't even know I hurt you"] but then there's still the fact that he hasn't mentioned any of my problems in the last month to see how I'm doing, and hasn't called me in a few days since everything happened.

Re: I THINK I MIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM...VERY impor
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jul 30 21:39:19 2000 (#452)

It is very understandable that you want and need help very badly, but if you don't tell people they won't know. When someone asks what's wrong, TELL THEM!! Saying "nothing" gets a little old for someone who is trying to help you and has no idea how. You also have to remember that he may be huting too. To communicate with someone you have to make it two sided, both listening and both talking. And, if you've been talking to him for awhile and he's not begging you to tell him what's wrong anymore, maybe it's because he figures that you should trust him now and he shouldn't have to beg. I'm sure he cares just as much as he used to, but maybe he's just tired.

stay safe

Re: I THINK I MIGHT BREAK UP WITH HIM...VERY impor
Posted by Sara on Mon Jul 31 02:40:31 2000 (#456)

I called him, balled him out about how bad he had hurt me....it turns out we were all wrong, he's not tired of helping me, he just didn't know that what he had done hurt me! LIke how he hung up and it almost killed me...for him it was just like we had had a spat, but I'd see him later. You know? Well anyway, I told him EVERYTHING he needed to know, and he said he'd try harder...so for now we're ok, and I feel better....I just hope he doesn't do it again. If he does, I have to say goobye. If I've learned ANYTHING from my problems, it's that I need to protect myself, because no one else is gonna do it for me.

Hi first time here
Posted by Christine on Sat Jul 29 23:33:53 2000 (#447)

Hi my name is Cristine .I'm 15 I have been cutting scince I was around 10 I never knew there were places to talk about this kind of stuff .I just want someone to talk to about these things well someone who knows how I feel .Everyone else just says you do it for the attention . I can't talk to them because they just tell me I'm crazy I have to go my mom is bitching at me

Re: Hi first time here
Posted by Kate on Sun Jul 30 03:40:56 2000 (#449)

Hi, I'm Kate, its nice to meet you. I am a cutter for on and off for seven years. I am 22 and have extreme self esteem issues. YOu know how some people think they are fat and ugly, I think I am a horrible, evil person who everyone hates. I think I ruin everyone's life and think life would be better if I was not around. How do you feel? Does your mom know? Talk to me anytime.

Re: Hi first time here
Posted by Christine on Sun Jul 30 10:20:38 2000 (#450)

Kate it's nice to meet you to .I know all about the self-esteam thing . Sometimes I can't even look in the mirrior I am so ashamed to show my face I always feel ugly and that people shouldn't have to look at me . Sometimes when I'm eating I look down at my legs and I just run to the bathroom . There are even days when I just can't get out of bed I feel fat ugly and depresed .I just lay there and cry . My mom knows I cut but she dosn't know I still do it .I'm supposed to be cured or something . I was in and out of hospitals for more than a year she doesn't that the feelings come back she thinks it supposed to be alright now but it's not well thanx for wrighting

Angry
Posted by Kathrine J on Sun Jul 30 23:54:31 2000 (#454)

Hey, It's me again. I feel totally fucked off with everything at the moment even though there's not that much going on.I feel that horrible anger inside desparate to explode any second.I just want to scream until my throat bleeds.I want to cut so badly but I haven't for ages.I don't want to break the spell.I want to rip and tear and see blood. I think I'll just cut my back so I can't see it and others won't see it.I'ts getting to where I have no room left on my arms. Bye Kathrine J xxxxxxx

Re: Angry
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jul 31 03:11:00 2000 (#457)

Try to resist, the urge will pass, the horrible feelings will pass. I'm happy you've been doing well, even though you're haveing a bad time now. Keep trying.

stay safe

not too good for what ive done
Posted by kayla/ kayla marie on Mon Jul 31 00:29:25 2000 (#455)

wow . i told a really good friend of mine that i cut and she didnt say anything, no questions or remarks. i wish she would have said something, even if it was bad. i feel that she didnt care. she didnt even say oh god why? why couldnt she have said something. other people say its cuz she was in shock but if you saw her face there was no reaction to my answer. it hurts cuz before i told her that she said shed call me tomorrow which is today but she didnt. what was i thinking telling her that? what if she tells? what if she thinks im a freak? i cant take this not knowing what she thinks. why couldnt she just tell me i was being stupid or something like that. but no she didnt and wont. there goes the only link to a normal life. a friend, shed never talk to me again after this. what have i done? i will go insane rambling in my brain about why i told her and what will come out if it now that i have. the only thing she said about it was i wont tell anybody so dont worry . in that tone that means i dont care so dont worry. she then said shed probably forget about it. FORGET ABOUT IT? how can someone just forget. if she told me she did this i couldnt forget, i wouldnt forget. its way to important to just forget about it. im crying so bad cuz i hate this. god i hate this

sad and crying

The Truth
Posted by Hope on Mon Jul 31 03:29:02 2000 (#458)

I am here because i know what some of you are going through, and i just want to tell you there is hope.. What you think is the worst possible answer to this "getting your parents help" is not. If you do not feel your parents can help, tell your grandparents i garantee you your family will help you in a second. Your grandparents are your gaurdians.. they love you more than anything. If you do not feel you can be helped you can. Even if it isn't family whom you tell, tell your bestfriend, your sister, neighbor, teacher. All you have to do is want to be helped . If not give me a e-mail and i can help you azreal242@hotmail.com thanks

Don't know how to tell
Posted by Christine on Mon Jul 31 03:47:51 2000 (#459)

Today wasn't so good I cut .I want to tell my mom but I don't kmow how .I can wait till she sees but I think that would hurt her more than telling her straight out .I don't no how to tell her when is the right time .I wan't to just go and hug her and tell her I am so sorry .I can't talk to her about this if I told her how much I enjoy it she will put me back in the hospital and I don't want to go back .Please help me thanx

Didn't Know
Posted by Leslie on Tue Aug 1 04:49:59 2000 (#461)

I didn't know there were so many different types of SI, I've cut for like 2 years, but as a child I would hit my self with things in the head, i never thought it was SI until I started cutting. Something new i learn everyday.

what the hell is going on
Posted by kayla on Wed Aug 2 00:29:38 2000 (#462)

god i told my friend and she still hasnt called me back im just flipping out here. i even started cutting myself cuz its making me feel better along with the cutting. my cuts on my legs arent as sore as they were but i still think that there is something wrong cuz they hurt and i cut them 3 weeks ago. my family still doesnt know and my sister is getting worse each day. telling me to kill myself doesnt do much for my morale. dont you think somebody would know by now what i do? since its august and im wearing jeans and long sleeved shirts in 100 + weather. what the hell is that about ? they dont know and they dont want to. my mom yelled at me today because i didnt go see her on sunday because it was the only day i had all month to sleep in and im really pissed at her and she knows it. she hates my guts cuz i know i wasnt wanted as a child and still arent. god what the hell do parents think we go through a piece of cake. life sucks and they just make it harder by not telling us that were needed and loved. i hate this shit. god if only my friend would tell me what she thinks my si is about even if she thinks its a load of crap. god even if she yelled at me would be better than a vow of silencc. dont you guys think so. its harder on me not knowing what she thinks than knowing she doesnt approve. god i hate this so much. why doesnt somebody just kill me and get it over with?

Re: what the hell is going on
Posted by Sara on Wed Aug 2 18:53:13 2000 (#464)

I know how you feel, and that sounds like a load of bullshit, I know, because everyone's always saying "I know, I understand" and then they leave you. BUT BELIEVE ME, I really feel your pain on this one, because exactly the same thing happened to me. I told my "best friend" about my cutting, and instead of asking why or getting mad or trying to help, she stopped talking to me for a while...offering no explanation. A few months later, after making a SMALL effort to be of help, she said we couldn't be best friends anymore. If your friend never tries to talk to you about this, and support you as much as you need it, start asking yourself whether or not they are truly capable of dealing with this. Chances are the answer will be no. I'm not trying to be pessimistic. I'm just trying to help...it hurts me to think that maybe you are cutting and getting upset over this, but you have no control over it...at any rate, I AM HERE TO LISTEN if you want to talk. And no, no one is going to kill you to get it over with. Your life is worth living, even if most of the time, it doesn't seem that way.

Everybody hurts...
Posted by Lost on Thu Aug 3 09:14:23 2000 (#465)

Hey guys... these are the lyrics to a song that I ALWAYS listen to when I get depressed (most of you probably know it) and when I'm going through a lot of drama, it kind of just reminds me that I'm not alone ... i dunno... sorry if this is retarded...

EVERYBODY HURTS REM

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along. When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) if you feel like letting go, (hold on) when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand. If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long, when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes. And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade) (Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

Re: Everybody hurts...
Posted by blue blue rose on Thu Aug 3 11:02:21 2000 (#466)

thank you, lost

worried friend
Posted by Jenny on Thu Aug 3 16:31:55 2000 (#467)

My best friend has just told me that she has been cutting herself for the last 2 years. She goes to a counsellor now and sometimes we talk about it but I find it really difficult to know what to say sometimes because I just don't understand it at all. I really want to help her but I find it difficult to bring the subject up and I can't talk to anyone because no one knows except her mum. If anyone has any advice please reply to this message, I would be very grateful. Thank you.

Re: worried friend
Posted by Kate on Sun Aug 6 23:12:15 2000 (#472)

All you can do for your friend is to listen and be there for her. If she does not want anyone to know don't tell. I am a cutter and I trusted the wrong people to keep the secret. It is the worst feeling to have your trust betrayed. If you think she is in danger you can talk to her mom or a hotline. Good luck, if you need anything write.

If you ever need to talk...
Posted by Julie on Fri Aug 4 07:14:51 2000 (#468)

Hi, My name is Julie and I am a 42 yr old mom who is on a mission to help teens. My goal is to help teens from all over the world as I want to build a center for all teens to come to for free who need help. I would really like to help people who self injure and I have been educating myself on it. I know it is an addiction and that is one area I am familiar with. I am currently working with a doctor and we plan on making this a reality, it is not just a dream. If you would like to know more about what I am doing and who I am, go to my website and check it out. If you remember, please sign my guestbook so I know what your thoughts are. If you ever would like some free advice or just need to vent, feel free to email me anytime.

Love, Julie jflynn1@prodigy.net www.angelfire.com/mn2/illstand byyou

Re: If you ever need to talk...
Posted by lost on Fri Aug 4 21:46:44 2000 (#469)

thanks girl :)

I must.....
Posted by LOST on Fri Aug 4 23:45:00 2000 (#470)

I just got done watching a movie and I'm all sad. I don't know why I'm sad. It made me want to get off my ass and do something with my life. I'm tired of not being good enough and not DOING good enough. I'm tired of being lazy and expecting everything to be done for me. I'm tired of worrying about the future and not MAKING my future. I don't get it. WHY can't I have the power within myself to do good for myself? I always complain about life and I'm always depressed. I always sit and feel sorry for myself and cry about what I don't have and what happened to me in the past. why the hell don't I get my stupid ass up and fix it? Why am I feeling sorry for myself? I could change it all if I really wanted to... but do I? Do I feel some kind of pleasure out being sad? Am I content with the way I am? Do I LIKE feeling sorry for myself? I must. Thats the only explanation I have for why I am the way I am. I must like it! I must like sitting around and wishing I was dead. I must like feeling like shit and giving my body away to guys that I don't even know. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! I don't understand! Its the only thing that I know. it is the only way that I know how to be. I'm lost.

Re: I must.....
Posted by Dark Angel on Tue Aug 29 04:52:04 2000 (#591)

I feel lost too. I'm sick of making everyone hate me and I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling hurt and I'm sick of cutting. I can't stop- I know I have to, but I don't want to. I know that if I stop, I'll hurt again, and I'll die. In February, I planned my suicide and almost died. If my friend hadn't apologized for hurting me that very night I would have gone through with it. I started cutting not to long after that. My friends have been known for ditching me. I just want to be alone. If I'm alone, no one can hurt me. No one will kill my soul. No one will make me cry. I just want to be alone.

Re: I must.....
Posted by lost on Wed Aug 30 09:00:17 2000 (#608)

You should e-mail me... I think we can relate to eachother

Re: I must.....
Posted by Dark Angel on Thu Aug 31 03:45:33 2000 (#615)

I e-mailed you. Hope you got my message, it's my first time e-mailing anyone from that address. :)

Standing up for myself....
Posted by Kate on Sun Aug 6 19:01:42 2000 (#471)

I stood up to this girl last night. It was the first time I stood up for myself in a while. I am so proud of myself and feel a lot stronger. I am so sick of being pushed around. I can't please everyone, so why even try. I haven't cut in two weeks and don't want to start.

the pain need
Posted by kristen on Wed Aug 9 00:08:27 2000 (#473)

i dunno what to do it sucks. deep down inside i want to stop, but somehow i can't. i was forced to stop once when my mom found some cuts on my wrists and then i moved down to my hips, she found them too sgain by accident. I was really careful for her not to find them now i am constantly checked. i can't take it, i am afraid the next time is going to be the worst.

how do i sign up?
Posted by tinkerbelli on Wed Aug 9 08:20:53 2000 (#474)

hi, how do I sign up for the bUs or bus digest email thing???? someone please answer

Re: how do i sign up?
Posted by blue rose on Wed Aug 9 17:40:58 2000 (#475)

Go to one of their websites and you'll get information there. If you click on "Self Injury" in the purple at the top of this page, then click on "Self Harm Links" you'll find some addresses (like 1000) that could help. Sorry I don't have an exact answer, but this should help.

Re: how do i sign up?
Posted by Morten Wulff on Thu Aug 10 01:19:16 2000 (#476)

The easiest way to sign uo is to visit:

http://www.palace.net/~ llama/psych/busfaq.html

Hope this helps!

Love, wulff

I just wanted to help somebody....
Posted by Sara on Thu Aug 10 01:49:30 2000 (#477)

My whole life, I have put EVERYTHING into OTHER PEOPLE, I've given MY SOUL to helping other people, to listening to them and trying to help them.......I give up my time, I give my tears and my patience, when I cut I was giving those other people my BLOOD.....and I ever wanted was to help someone else, and I feel as though I've gotten nowhere. I feel like I've made no impact on anyone. EVER. And I feel worthless...

Re: I just wanted to help somebody....
Posted by Kate on Tue Aug 15 02:27:19 2000 (#525)

I know how you feel. I am the same way. You seem like a good person but you need to worry about yourself. YOu are not responsible for everyone's problems. I learned that the hard way. People can be manipulative and evil. YOu seem like a sensitive caring person who is very trusting. Be careful people will take advantage of you. Don't feel guilty about someone elses pain. It is not your fault. I feel exactly how you do but I want to change. talk to me anytime.

i really want to talk to someone
Posted by melissa on Thu Aug 10 07:48:17 2000 (#481)

im new in this place. i havent cut in a long time. but i have suicidal thoughts and wishes all the time. i read all of blue rose's messages. and it reminds me of myself. when im depressed i become poetic. i used to cut all the time i loved to watch the blood spill out. i was very depressed and i was looking for sites about suicide when i bumped into u guys. im stuck here now at 1:44 AM remembering the times not to long ago when i sliced away at myself. please talk to me.

~~~~melissa

Re: i really want to talk to someone
Posted by blue rose on Fri Aug 11 06:26:15 2000 (#483)

Thank you for reading my posts and thank you even more for understanding them.

If you have the strength, which it sounds like you do, don't cut again. For me, it started out as feeling good and making me happy, but now I'm a horrible mess. I've lost what little friends I had and I think I'm losing my mind. I don't blame all of that on cutting, but it is a big part.

If you ever, EVER, need someone to talk to you can e-mail me. I would love to hear from you.

Stay safe.

I LOST A PINT OF BLOOD!
Posted by Sara on Thu Aug 10 20:50:17 2000 (#482)

Last night, out of nowhere, this SHADOW came over me......all the sudden I was bathed in hatred toward myself, I wanted to DIE. I wanted to slice my skin until it lay in shreds on the floor...this was all in my imagination, but it drove me to a trance, kind of, and without even knowing what I was doing, I went upstairs, took a brand new razorblade, undressed and lay on the floor, blasting the song What If by Creed into headphones I was wearing. At a part that is very emotional for me---INSPIRED BY THE TIMES WE'VE BEEN WALKED ON---I sliced the blade across my left pelvic bone... To summon it up, I am guessing I lost about a pint of blood, because it bled pretty much all night and I fainted this morning....I don't even know how long I was out. I'm scared that I need to tell my mom.....it probably needs stitches, but Im sure it can heal without them....it'll just take a bit longer. I'm taking good care of it now, I'm almost positive it won't get infected...I just was so scared last night.

Re: I LOST A PINT OF BLOOD!
Posted by gemma on Fri Aug 11 09:25:44 2000 (#485)

Please tell your mum and please see a doc. Honest you'll feel better for putting up with any lecture they can throw at you as you won't feel as bad with the scar later.

Trust me I had six stiches in my leg, and when they were off i reopened the wound, I really wish I'd gone back for then to close because athough its not as big as the first it look damed messy.

Tell me how it goes....

Re: I LOST A PINT OF BLOOD!
Posted by Sara on Fri Aug 11 20:56:49 2000 (#488)

I just can't tell....I've got some great advice from a few people I know and so I know how to take care of it...I don't like the idea of the scar but it is a lot better that that thought of seeing a therapist. They make me feel so crazy....

Re: I LOST A PINT OF BLOOD!
Posted by Christine on Fri Aug 11 23:21:50 2000 (#491)

If you dont go get help at least take good care of the cut .Take little bandades and push the edges of the cuts together put neosporin and baktine onit after it heals to reduse the apperiance of the scare put coco butter on it or vitamin E lotion .I don't think you are crazy you just have a different copeing mecanism than other people.No one else her thinks your crazy and you can talk to us when ever you want .I'm her if you want to talk.

A PINT IS NEARLY AN ARM-FULLOST A PINT OF BLOOD!
Posted by OW on Wed Oct 4 23:54:39 2000 (#841)

Just thought I'd say hi!
Posted by Gemma on Fri Aug 11 09:20:46 2000 (#484)

Sory if anyone missed me. After all my enthusiasm I really believed I and many others could maybe stop or at least cut down on cutting.... then I had some major relapses, got very suicidal, so I thought it was best I waited to over come that until coming back. I didn't want anyone who found any help in what i was saying to be put off.

But I feel much better now except for 67 attractive scars, but hey. Hope your all doing good, speak soon, Gemma

Re: Just thought I'd say hi!
Posted by Kate on Sat Aug 12 00:34:03 2000 (#493)

I'm glad you are doing better. I am sorry you have had such a hard time. I have quit for about two weeks now, it has been hard. Well I will talk to you later.

Re: Just thought I'd say hi!
Posted by blue rose on Sat Aug 12 06:22:36 2000 (#497)

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! I was really worried too. I'm sorry you had relpases but the important thing is that you're doing better now. Now is what's important. I will be here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm so glad to hear from you. It made me smile. :o)

stay safe

Sara
Posted by Kathrine J on Fri Aug 11 17:46:50 2000 (#486)

Sara, I'm just mailing to ask how you are doing.I read your last post and I feel really worried about your cut.I have three really bad scars on my biceps which should have had stitches but didn't.I hate the scars that are there and they just remind me of how bad I must've felt at the time.Please you should get someone to look at them.I know it makes you feel inadequate and like a nobody cause you know they are judging you as some sort of freak but just ignore their stupidity and ignorance.You have to come first, nobody else.Write in and tell us how you are.I'd love to know.As for me well I've had a few scratches here and there but nothing major.I'm going through the shadows hanging on my soul pretty well lately.Anyway talk to you all soon.Bye Be Strong Love Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: Sara
Posted by Sara on Fri Aug 11 21:02:09 2000 (#489)

Thank you so much for your concern, you don't know how much it means.....what I'm really afraid of about telling is hurting my mom......she thinks I stopped 4 months ago, and will never do it again. Then I did that and fainted from it......I'm so scared. But I won't tell, I refuse to let them make me feel crazy. I'd rather have a terrible scar than to feel as though I should be locked up...it's not fair to let people step on me that way. I'm protecting myself because no one else will. I am VERY grateful to hear that you are doing OK.....please keep in touch.

Love ALWAYS-

~Sara~

???
Posted by MELISSA on Fri Aug 11 19:25:47 2000 (#487)

I REALLY HOPE YOU GET SOME HELP SARA. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO NOT CUT. I HADNT CUT IN ABOUT 5 MONTHS UNTIL YESTERDAY AFTERNOON. 2 NIGHTS AGO I ENTERED THIS BOARD AND READ EVERYTHING AND I STARTED REMEMBERING HOW GOOD IT MADE ME FEEL TO CUT. I KNOW THIS SOUND IGNORANT BUT I STARTED THINKING: JUST 1 MORE TIME, 1 MORE TIME AND THEN ILL STOP. I SLICED MY WRIST AND AS SOON AS THE BLOOD SPILLED OUT I STARTED SLASHING AWAY AT MY LEGS. I COULDNT STOP. I CUT MYSELF ATLEAST 50 TIMES BEFORE THE PHONE RANG. I LET IT RING AND RING AND RING ... WHEN I PICKED UP IT WAS MY B/F. I TOLD HIM ABOUT THIS PLACE THE NIGHT BEFORE AND IT WORRIED HIM. HE KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG BY THE SOUND IN MY VOICE AND HE CAME RIGHT OVER. IM WORE PANTS BUT HE SAW THE GASH ON MY WRIST. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE IS THERE FOR ME ALL THE WAY. SO I WONDER WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG W/ME? WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF... EVEN IF THERE ARNT MANY PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND ME AND CARE ABOUT ME THERE IS STILL ONE. I LAYED THERE IN HIS ARMS FOR 3 HOURS. BUT WHEN HE HAD TO LEAVE I COMPLETELY BROKE DOWN AND I BEGGED HIM TO STAY, BUT HE COULDNT AND HE LEFT. AND AS SOON AS HE WAS OUT OF SIGHT I WENT BACK AT IT. I WOKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD. I MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP FROM CRYING SO MUCH OR LOSS OF BLOOD OR SOMETHING. NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL HIM? I DONT WANT TO LET HIM DOWN. I LOVE HIM TO MUCH TO LET HIM KNOW THAT IM A COMPLETE NUTCASE. I KNOW I NEED HELP, BUT WHERE TO I GO?

Re: ???
Posted by Christine on Fri Aug 11 23:14:56 2000 (#490)

If your b/f really loves you he will help you over come this or just be there to talk it sound like he does love you and he'll be there for you .Explain to him why you do this to your self and that you are sorry if you hurt him tell him you feel better when you do this.He will probably understand .

Re: ???
Posted by MELISSA on Sat Aug 12 00:01:42 2000 (#492)

THANK YOU CHRISTINE FOR CARING. I KNOW HE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HIM BACK. ITS JUST THAT HE CANT STAND TO SEE ME HURT MYSELF. I THINK ITS PROBABLY BETTER IF I DO TELL HIM THOUGH. WE HAVE NO SECRETS W/EACH OTHER . BUT ABOUT 5 MONTHS AGO HE SAVED MY LIFE. AND I HAVENT CUT MYSELF SINCE...UNTIL YESTERDAY. AND NOW I DONT THINK ILL BE ABLE TO STOP. IM SO DISAPPOINTED IN ME. I WILL TELL HIM THOUGH WHEN I FIND THE RIGHT WORDS.

~~~~MELISSA

new cutter
Posted by paula on Sat Aug 12 02:42:38 2000 (#494)

I never cut before, until I got out of the institution for attempting suicide. One of the guys in there was a cutter and I adopted the idea from him. When I first got out I started pinching and scrathcing. It wasn't until very resently that i discovered razor blades. Why I am writting this is because I am looking for people who have similar problems. In soceity I am an outcast for what i do, just looking for people who understand/

Re: new cutter
Posted by MELISSA on Sat Aug 12 03:44:27 2000 (#495)

IM REALLY SORRY THAT YOU DECIDED TO CUT. I AM A CUTTER TOO. I STARTED IN 8TH GRADE. AND I STOPPED AFTER A LIFE THREATENING EXPERIANCE LAST SPRING. I HADDENT CUT FOR 5 MONTHS UNTIL AN AWFUL RELAPSE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE LIKE YOU. BUT IT DOESNT MEAN ITS ALL OK. IM LETTING YOU KNOW NOW THAT THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND I OFFER ALL THE SUPPORT YOU NEED. I OFTEN THINK ABOUT SUICIDE. AND EVEN THOUGH I DONT BELIEVE THIS SOMETIMES...THAT ISNT THE WAY TO SOLVE THINGS. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU AND SO MUCH MORE WE NEED TO EXPERIANCE.

~~~~MELISSA(15YEARS OLD) NEEDING A FRIEND RIGHT NOW. AND I ALSO WANT TO HELP.

re:new cutter to melissa
Posted by Paula on Sat Aug 12 09:35:45 2000 (#499)

well, first off I want to thank you for replying. My cutting was never bad until yesterday. I drank way to much and took two more of my prozac then IM supposed to. I wasn't even feeling depressed but I went into the bathroom and cut my arm really really bad. Then when i ran out of room on my arms I did my leg. Then today, even though I was sober I did some more cutting on the legs and reopened the ones on my arm after she told me I couldn't go on a date with my boyfriend. I know that this is not good but I think you know how hard it is to stop. Thank you for offering support and I'll be there for you if you start getting back into it. paula

Re: re:new cutter to melissa
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Aug 13 19:37:30 2000 (#508)

PAULA I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. I HAD A GOOD NIGHT LAST NIGHT. AND IM GONNA GET HELP. IM SORRY THINGS DIDNT GO WELL FOR YOU. E-MAIL ME IF YOU LIKE. I AM ALWAYS OPEN TO TALK IF YOU WANT TO. IM GLAD THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO RELATE W/ME. AND I ALWAYS WANT YOU TO REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE.

~~~~MELISSA

PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by MELISSA on Sat Aug 12 05:21:11 2000 (#496)

I REALLY NEED SOME1 RIGHT NOW? AND NO1 IS HERE FOR ME. MY BOYFRIEND LEFT HOURS AGO AND I CANT GET AHOLD OF HIM. HES ALL I REALLY HAVE IN THIS WORLD AND HE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO CARES ABOUT ME. I WANT TO CUT SO BAD. PLEASE IS SOMEBODY THERE? HELP ME. DONT LET ME DO THIS. IM TRYING I REALLY AM.

~~~~...........

Re: PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by Christine on Sat Aug 12 07:48:26 2000 (#498)

Don't do it it's not worth the pain you will cause others.You may think your b/f is the only one who cares but there has to be other people.You can e-mail me if you want I know how you feel and I go threw the feelings every day .Do anything to get out of the house or call a friend anything to get your mind off cutting .

Re: PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by MELISSA on Sat Aug 12 19:08:17 2000 (#500)

IM SO SORRY. IM SO FUCKED UP. I HATE THIS. I HATE THE WAY I THINK, THE WAY I FEEL. I COULDNT HELP MYSELF. I WAS DOING SO GOOD FOR A LONG TIME. BUT NOW...NOW IM BACK TO DOING THE ONE THING THAT I SWORE I WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME? I HAVE NO FRIENDS ANYMORE. JUST MARCUS. I HAVE NO FAMILY. JUST MARCUS. MY BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND. SCHOOL STARTS WEDNESDAY WHERE I AM. NOW EVERYBODY GETS TO SEE THE CUTS. EVERYBODY GETS TO SEE HOW FUCKED UP I AM. WHY CANT THINGS BE NORMAL FOR ME? WHY CANT I JUST BE HAPPY? EVERYTHING GETS TO ME...EVERYTHING MAKES ME DEPRESSED. I KNOW IM NOT THE ONLY ONE BUT SOMETIMES I REALLY BELIEVE THAT I AM. I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN JUST SAY "IF YOU DONT WANT TO CUT YOURSELF ANYMORE, THEN DONT" WHY CANT THEY REALIZE ITS NOT THAT EASY? IM NOT CRAZY AM I? WHY DO PEOPLE SAY IM A NUTCASE? IM NOT, THEY DONT UNDERSTAND ME SO THEY DONT LIKE ME. THATS HOW THINGS WORK, AM I RIGHT? I KNOW IM JUST RAMBLING BUT I HOPE SOMEBODY UNDERSTAND.

~~~~MELISSA

Re: PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by paula on Sat Aug 12 23:44:23 2000 (#501)

Don't be sorry for what you do. I know how hard it is to stop. Why stop it when it makes everything better? But the truth is it doesn't fix anything. what you, me and everyone else who si's needs to do is figure out different ways to get out our agressions and our hatred to ourselves. I understand he boyfriend thing. The only person I like to be with when I am in a cutting mood is my guy Steve. He's the only one who keeps me from slitting my wrist. Just try to be strong and unbderstand you don't need to this.,

Re: PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by Kate on Sun Aug 13 02:12:37 2000 (#502)

I know just how you feel. I have quit cutting for about two weeks but it has been so hard. I also have depression and people don't understand why. I have a great family, friends, and a great place to live. I am educated and healthy. But who the fuck cares? Depression is a disease and so is cutting. All the material possessions and people in the world can't help that. If you need to talk you can e-mail me. Good luck.

Re: PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by lost on Sun Aug 13 03:14:55 2000 (#503)

"Depression is a disease and so is cutting. All the material possessions and people in the world can't help that."

I'm glad that someone else feels that way because no one that I know understands that. I can be around happy people that are being sooooo nice to me but I'll still be depressed. they'll ask me whats wrong and i'll tell them i'm depressed and they ask why. but there isn't always a reason. i don't have to have something bad happen to feel depressed. a lot of the time it is for NO reason at all. I just start feeling so alone and so hopeless about everything even if everything is going great for me at the time. I hate it. I hate that I have no self-worth. People don't understand that its a disease... they think that you can just all of a sudden stop being depressed. I hate how no one understands me.

Re: PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Aug 13 04:18:55 2000 (#504)

THANK YOU. EVERYBODY. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE DO CARE AND UNDERSTAND ME. I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY WITH MARCUS I AND I FEEL PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW. TONIGHT JUST MAY BE A GOOD NIGHT.

~~~~MELISSA

Re: PLEASE...IS ANYBODY THERE?
Posted by Christine on Sun Aug 13 05:27:46 2000 (#505)

You'r not crazy. no one here thinks you are either befor you go back to school get cuff bracelets and they will probably cover your wrists get the thick ones they cover mine or just were alot of bracelets did you talk to your b/f ? what did he say ?

thankyou
Posted by Katie on Sun Aug 13 09:54:10 2000 (#506)

Hi anybody, after reading the past discussions on this page, I realise I'm not the only person in the world that cuts themselves to feel good. I thank all of u for that, u don't know how much it means to me.

MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Aug 13 18:08:40 2000 (#507)

YES, I TOLD MARCUS ABOUT THE CUTS. WE'VE DECIDED THAT I SHOULD EITHER SEE A PYSCIATRIST* OR SPEND SOME TIME IN THE "HOSPITAL" TO TRY AND TREAT THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE. NOW DONT ANY OF YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS, WE DID THIS TOGETHER. HE DOESNT THINK IM CRAZY, AND HE PROMISES THAT HE'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME...THAT HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND AGAIN I SAY I AM SO GREATFUL FOR HIM AND SO LUCKY.

~~~~MELISSA

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by blue rose on Mon Aug 14 00:18:37 2000 (#509)

Your boyfriend has the right idea. Seeing someone is a good way to help you deal with your problems. You seem to be very worried about people thinking you're crazy. I just want to assure you that just because you cut or because you're sad doesn't mean you're looney. In fact, by your posts you sound quite sane. Don't get me wrong, sometimes even sanity needs a little help, but you're sane nonetheless.

Take care of yourself and stay safe.

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by lost on Mon Aug 14 00:19:33 2000 (#510)

I'm *very* happy for you girl! Its good that you've decided to go to a "hospital" willingly. Those places don't do any good unless you actually WANT to be there. You're boyfriend is one of a kind girl. I've never had a guy stick with me through *anything*. Aren't you only 15? If he's your age and he's already such a good boyfriend, I can't imagine what he'll be like later in life. I'm actually kind of worried about you though. You seem so dependent on him (which isn't a bad thing) but if you guys broke up... i really think you would give up on everything. It seems like he's the only think keeping you holding on to life. I really hope nothing bad happens with you guys. Stay safe.

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Aug 14 00:38:10 2000 (#511)

THANX YOU GUYS. YEA HE REALLY IS THE BEST. HE'S 16. U ARE RIGHT ABOUT BEING VERY DEPENDANT ON HIM, LOST. AND EVEN THOUGH I FEEL WE'LL ALWAYS B TOGETHER, THE CHANCE IS ALWAYS THERE. BUT NO 1 SHOULD THINK LIKE THAT. I DEPEND ON HIM SO MUCH CUZ HES THE BEST THING THATS EVER HAPPENED TO ME AND HES ALL I HAVE. THANKS EVERYBODY FOR CARING SO MUCH.

~~~~MELISSA

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by Kate on Mon Aug 14 17:27:35 2000 (#519)

Your lucky you have someone. I am 22 and have nobody. Every guy I talk to has some sort of girl connected to him who hates me talking to them. It is always some girl in the way. I feel like there will never be anyone for me.

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Aug 14 18:27:31 2000 (#520)

HEY KATE, THERE IS SOMEBODY. THERE'S LOTS OF SOMEBODIES THERES ME CHRISTINE BLUE ROSE LOST SARA GEMMA AND THERES THAT NEW GIRL PAULA AND THE OTHER NEW KID LOU. SEE THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT CARE AND THAT ARE HERE FOR YOU. I STILL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW U NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO...SOMEONE WHO'S ACTUALLY THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. MOST GUYS ARNT THAT MATURE (STEREO TYPE) BUT IF THEY LET WHO EVER SEEMS TO BE IN THE WAY, GET IN THE WAY THEN THEY'RE NOT WORTH IT IN THE 1ST PLACE. MAYBE RATHER THAN A BOYFRIEND ALL YOU NEED IS A REALLY GOOD FRIEND. AND EVEN THOUGH IM NOT EXACTLY WHAT UR LOOKING FOR, IM HERE FOR YOU BABE. CHEER UP :)

~~~~MELISSA

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by Kate on Tue Aug 15 02:21:59 2000 (#524)

I understand what you are saying. I have some great friends and you guys are all great, I wish there were more people like you around. But it seems like it is socially acceptable to have a boyfriend. Everyone has one and I feel left out even though they are having trouble with them. I am just confused. I rather have boyfriend problems than problems with bitchy girls.

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by Skye on Wed Aug 16 23:26:19 2000 (#533)

I wish I had someone... just someone that would actually hold me...

Re: MY BOYFRIEND
Posted by Kate on Thu Aug 17 02:06:15 2000 (#534)

I know how you feel. It would be nice to have someone special.

IM NEW...SO BE NICE
Posted by lou on Mon Aug 14 02:08:02 2000 (#512)

hi everyone.

i guess we are all going through the same shit here. it would be nice to know if anyone out there wants to be message board friends...even though that sounds really lame, i feel like i really need someone right now to talk to,

keep strong

lou x x x

Re: IM NEW...SO BE NICE
Posted by lost on Mon Aug 14 02:22:14 2000 (#513)

thats cute! I don't really know what to say to you since you didn't say anything about yourself. All of us here have gone through different things in life... but we've all ended up with the scars on our bodies. Some of us have quit cutting... some of us are struggling to stop cutting... some of us *don't* want to stop cutting... and some of us are just starting out. I'm sure that some people here will be able to relate 100% with whatever your situation is. :)

you should tell us about yourself. I'm 17/female and I've "quit" cutting but I still struggle with depression and suicidal tendencies all the time.

Re: IM NEW...SO BE NICE
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Aug 14 02:45:13 2000 (#514)

HEY LOU, I WILL BE UR FRIEND :) I AM A RELAPSE CUTTER I STARTED CUTTING IN 8TH GRADE AND I STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF 9TH. I JUST RECENTLY STARTED AGAIN. IM 15 YEARS OLD AND IM FROM FLORIDA. I KNOW SOMEONE NAMED LOU AND THE WAY YOU TALK REMINDED ME OF HIM. IF YOU EVER NEED TO TALK IM HERE. MUHA:IT A KISS 4 YOU.

~~~~MELISSA

Re: IM NEW...SO BE NICE
Posted by blue rose on Mon Aug 14 03:15:57 2000 (#515)

I've been here awhile, a lot of shit goes on from a lot of different people. But,(I'm almost ashamed to say) these are the only people I've found who understand. They trust me and that causes me to trust them. I'm always here if you need someone.

Re: IM NEW...SO BE NICE
Posted by Christine on Mon Aug 14 04:26:16 2000 (#517)

Hi if you need to talk to people about cutting here is the safest place you don't have to talk face to face and I think that makes thing easier. People aren't to judgmental um well I don't know what to say besides I'll be your pal if you want to you can e-mail me chances are I know what you are going threw .Oh tell us about you I'm 15/female/on and off cutter bye bye

Re: IM NEW...SO BE NICE
Posted by Liz on Mon Aug 14 18:55:48 2000 (#522)

Hey I've never written here but i've been reading the messages for a while. i'm 16/female and i've been cutting for only a little over a week. it's so nice to find other people who understand. Kate, i totally know what you are going through. a couple of days ago my dad found out (a teacher saw my cuts and told the dean who told my dad completely against my will) he didn't even know that i am depressed. he was really cool about it but he did make me promise to stop. which of course i haven't but i promised him anyways. he also doesn't know everything. so i know what you guys are going through and i'm here if you need anything Liz

my mom
Posted by Kate on Mon Aug 14 04:23:49 2000 (#516)

I finally told my mom today. I had a terrible night and I was explaining to her how it made me feel. She doesn't quite understand cutting she thinks we can just stop. She wants me to quit for her not myself. She also doesn't want me on this forum because she thinks it triggers me. I wish she can understand.

Re: my mom
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Aug 14 04:34:40 2000 (#518)

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW U FEEL. I COULDNT TELL MARCUS ABOUT THIS PLACE AT 1ST CUZ I WAS THINKING HE MIGHT SAY SOMETHUNG ALONG THE LINES OF "WELL MAYBE THIS MESSAGE BOARD THING ISNT SUCH A GOOD IDEA" . I DONT KNOW WHAT TO REALLY SAY BUT IM HEAR 4 U BABE. MUHA:A KISS.

~~~~MELISSA

I CUT LAST NIGHT
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Aug 14 18:30:51 2000 (#521)

I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I CUT LAST NIGHT. IM REALLY SORRY, I FEEL LIKE I LET U ALL DOWN. IT WAS LATE LAST NIGHT. I DONT FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT THOUGH.

~~~~MELISSA

Re: I CUT LAST NIGHT
Posted by kate on Tue Aug 15 02:30:53 2000 (#526)

Don't even feel that way. YOu came really far. You are only human, we all make mistakes. I cut two weeks ago because of a stupid situation, after getting so far. Hang in there. IF you want to talk, talk to me anytime. You can email me.

WE'RE FALLING APART
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Aug 14 20:55:23 2000 (#523)

ME AND MY BOYFRIEND MARCUS ARE SLOWLY FALLING APART. I GUESS OUR RELATIONSHIP JUST CANT HANDLE MY MENTAL PROBLEM. ANYWAY, I CANT COME HERE ANYMORE. IM REALLY SORRY IM LETTING ALL OF YOU DOWN. PLEASE STAY STRONG. IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS FOR A SHORT TIME. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

~~~~MELISSA THE ANSWERS ARE OUT THERE WAITING

Re: WE'RE FALLING APART
Posted by Kate on Tue Aug 15 02:32:48 2000 (#527)

Don't let him tell you what to do. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Please don't leave. Guys are not more important than your health.

Apathy
Posted by blue rose on Tue Aug 15 06:41:01 2000 (#528)

I lost it for a couple days a while ago and I just now saw what those few days did to my wrist. Appantly I thought it would be a good idea to cut and cut in the same place, right above my pulse. Now theres about 9 scars of cut's that were obviously pretty deep. There are a lot of blood staind kleenex in my waste basket. I don't feel guilty or ashamed about it, but then again I never do. How is it that everyone else seems to care so much and I just don't give a shit. Apathetic fool. I hope you laugh at that line because I did. Fool. AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh, but doesn't it make you feel better? Twist turn pinch pull cut scrape GASH dark red dark dark and it doesn't even matter. Insanity is a hat that fits me well.

(sorry, just had to get that out)

More Apathy
Posted by Kathrine J on Tue Aug 15 15:26:35 2000 (#529)

You don't have to feel guilty about not feeling anything about your cutting.I feel that way too.Sometimes I look at my scars and I feel a sort of sense of pride in them cause I got through what was driving me crazy.Other times I look at them and feel ashamed that i gave in to it.It's a viscious circle that never ends.But when I feel proud it's not sick or weird like my family think it is.It's a label, a badge.To show that your a survivor.But then they never know what it's like to survive and be in a constant sruggle against your own mind.Until they know what that is they will always be intolerant.That's the real apathy not what we feel!They are blind to what we go through.But you can't blame them for not understanding.It's not their fault,it's nonodys fault.It's the way that the human race works.There are many things beautiful in this world.Being human is not one of them. (sorry if this offends anyone)

Re: More Apathy
Posted by blue rose on Tue Aug 15 17:21:29 2000 (#530)

I love that: There are many things beautiful in this world. Being human is not one of them. That just about sums it up, doesn't it. There's another line I read once: Their simple minds cannot understand that just because your neurotic and depressed, doesn't mean that you're sad. I like that too. I like one liners that explain a lot. I'm done now.

Re: More Apathy
Posted by Kathrine J on Wed Aug 16 00:07:55 2000 (#531)

Thanks.It makes me happy to know that somebody can identify with what i'm saying.I know I can be a bit melodramatic and poetic but i seem to be able to write for hours about how I feel.Writing it down makes me feel better.And when someone can take solace in something i've written that's wonderful. Cheers! Be strong Kathrine J xxxxxxxxxxx

Re: More Apathy
Posted by Kate on Wed Aug 16 00:35:41 2000 (#532)

I agree with you. I am sometimes proud of my scars. My mom wants me to get them removed but I told her that I did this to myself and now I have to live with the scars. What I look like does not matter. I just want people to like me.

I'm new here and looking for friends
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Aug 17 05:44:23 2000 (#536)

Hi, it's nice to know i'm not alone. I'm an extremely shy, anti-social 17/female with no self confidence from England.

I think i've always been suicidal. I can't remember when i started SIing, but it started with hiting my self and pulling at my hair. Then a few years ago i started to make small cuts on my legs, now i've moved on to bigger cuts on my arms.

I think it started because of emotional and some physical abuse from my parents. i can't stand to be around my parents now, they make me feel sick i hate them so much. But i'm sure you've all been through much worse than i have.

This is the first time i've EVER told anyone about my SIing, i hide it all beneath long sleeves and a 'happy face'. I don't think anyone has a clue that i cut my self, even though i wear long sleeves all through the summer to hide my scars. It's a good thing that England doesn't have really hot weather.

I'm sure you don't want to hear anymore.

Love Butterfly.

Re: I'm new here and looking for friends
Posted by Christine on Thu Aug 17 07:05:47 2000 (#537)

Hi I'm Christine .I'm 15 I've been cutting for a while .If you need to talk you can always come here or even e-mail me *~hugs and kisses~*

Re: I'm new here and looking for friends
Posted by Kate on Thu Aug 17 17:17:29 2000 (#538)

I know how you feel. I am 22 and have no self esteem either. I can also be anti- social. I feel like everyone hates me and is talking bad about me. So I haven't gone out in a week. My friends are getting suspicious. I am also a cutter. Well talk to you later.

thankyou for replying
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Aug 17 18:07:54 2000 (#539)

Thankyou for replying, it's nice to know that there are other people who understand.

Butterfly.