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Threads 51 to 100

Cutting deaper
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jun 18 13:33:02 2000 (#157)

Hi, I'm 15 and have been seeing a psychiatrist once a week for depression, but even after I told him I have been cutting every other day and that I am feeling quite suicidal, he will now see me every two weeks. I am afraid that he dosn't take me seriously and dosn't even believe I cut. I'm also afraid that it will be two then a month then however more. I'm afaid I will be left to deal with this alone. It just makes me want to cut deaper and deaper.

I had to make stiches yesterday. I can't show him cause I cut the inside of my thigh, and he has only seen some minor abrasions on my arm. I hate these scars and want to stop but I don't know how, please if anyone can help talk to me, I would apprieciate any support right now. Thanks Gemma

Re: Cutting deaper
Posted by Miara on Sun Jun 18 16:04:07 2000 (#158)

Gemma, I think you should stop seeing you psychologist if he doesn't trust you. I would tell my parents that things just aren't going good, if they don't know about your cutting. I wish I knew how to stop too! my therapist doesn't take me seriously either, and I'm about to start seeing another one.

Re: Cutting deaper
Posted by odessa on Sun Jun 18 19:50:35 2000 (#164)

gemma, sounds like you need to find yourself another counselor, and from what i've found, female counselors have a lot more compassion because of the female/nurturing thing. my parents have me seeing 2 counselors, and taking zoloft, and i still can't quit. if you really want to quit, you're going to have to stay VERY devoted to quiting, and for the first couple weeks it might even be good to see a counselor 2 times a week, or find someone you can talk to. if you wanna email me and talk, i'm here for ya. i need someone just like you do.

Re: Cutting deaper
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jun 18 23:38:09 2000 (#166)

This really makes me sick. I had three psychologists do the same thing to me. It's unbelievable that when a person is at their worst the people who's job it is to help push them away. Please e-mail me if you need someone to talk to.

Carving
Posted by Anonomous on Mon Jun 19 21:56:20 2000 (#169)

i'm 17, I have been a cutter for a long time, before it was only on my wrists, but now i have carved the words "FAT" and "UGLY" on my stomach, and (just got through) carving "WHY?" on my inner thigh. I have strong urges to poke my eye out or cut off my finger, or swallow batteries, (so it will open up inside me), or get into the shower with a blow dryer, I sometime almost act on my urges to do these sick things, I need help on how to keep these things out of my mind.

Re: Carving
Posted by kate on Tue Jun 20 00:35:50 2000 (#170)

You need to get help. I am also a cutter so I know how you feel. But you need to figure why you feel you are fat and ugly. You need to increase your self esteem. Maybe call a friend when you have these urges or talk to one of us. Feel free to talk to me anytime.

Re: Carving
Posted by Anonomous on Tue Jun 20 06:36:54 2000 (#171)

thank you kate so much for your support. I feel insane sometimes. like i'm loosing my mind. i have to go cut right now. i'm carved 'TRY ME' on my other thigh. when was the last time you cut?

Re: Carving
Posted by Kate on Tue Jun 20 16:19:58 2000 (#172)

I cut last night. So I totally know what you are going through. I don't carve though. How can you stand the pain. I have to admit I am in so much pain. But I welcome the pain. It is so weird. I can't go without cutting for two days. It is seriously like a drug. Talk to me anytime.

Re: Carving
Posted by Anonomous on Tue Jun 20 18:27:14 2000 (#174)

it's like a drug to me too. sometimes i cut and a wave of pleasure and relaxation washes over me. I carved 'HELP' into my other thigh last night

Pissed me off
Posted by odessa on Tue Jun 20 18:17:32 2000 (#173)

I was told something by my counselor yesterday, see what you guys think about it: she said, that i would never find something to fill that urge that would feel as good as just cutting myself. she told me, that she ddn't know what to do. that she doesn't think i'll be able to replace cutting with anything else. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???? She's supposed to be making me better, HELLO?!?!?

Re: Pissed me off
Posted by Miara on Tue Jun 20 18:31:36 2000 (#175)

I think that psychologists should be warm and offer solutions to problems. If she's not offering any solutions to your problem, then I'd probably start seeing a new one.

Re: Pissed me off
Posted by Kate on Tue Jun 20 19:33:23 2000 (#177)

I think that is the most fucked up thing that I have ever heard in my life. She sucks. I think you should find someone else. If you need to talk I am here.

Pissed
Posted by KAYLA on Fri Jul 14 22:59:57 2000 (#379)

thats not fair. PEOPLE CANT SAY THERES NOTHING TO FILL THAT VOID. ANYTHING NOW ADAYS PISSES ME OFF. NOT FINDING MY SOCKS. YEAH I'LL CUT OVER THAT TOO. BUT KEEP HOPE YOULL FIND SOMETHING TO FILL THAT VOID. AND JUST To TELL YOU COUNSELORS ARE FULL OF CRAP THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER

epithany
Posted by Miara on Tue Jun 20 18:35:10 2000 (#176)

Now I've been cutting a burning for several years, but only a few days ago have I think I've been really completely easing the stress and feeling very comtemp and mabye even happy. I'm cutting deeper and on a different part of my body. I totally changed the way I cut and now I am seriously addicted to it. I cut 3 times yesterday. But now that I've unleashed the true power of cutting, oh i can't ever let it go now.

Re: epithany
Posted by Kate on Wed Jun 21 00:27:20 2000 (#178)

have you told anyone? Do you have a psychologist? I know how you feel, cutting is like a drug. If you need anything i am here.

Re: epithany
Posted by Gemma on Wed Jun 21 13:26:15 2000 (#179)

I so know what you mean, it's like when you first start it hurts but releases some tension, then gradually you learn the most suitable way for you, like I used to cut my arms but people saw it so now it's my thigh. I started with sissors then a cumpus then the razor. But now I use a knife and then a razor back and forth untill enough adrenalin is released I suppose.

I reckon that's what it is though adrenalin. I cut my thigh untill I saw muscle then I wanted more of this feeling so carried on. I only stopped when I kinda went into shock cause I was in the bath and hit a vien! I went to casualty and had six stiches.

I'm not proud of this though but I know how nice it is to have people to relate to. I wish I could stop but when this has healed and I get in the bath again it's another story.

this is it
Posted by last words on Wed Jun 21 20:55:32 2000 (#181)

i am cutting my wrists right now, i need people to be witness to this, my death...nobody else cares, nobody else wants me, this is it. i cannot express how fearless i am right now...i just cut a vein, it's spurting, it s harder to type with my left hand, so, i'm typing one handed. the keys are getting all bloody, it's going all over now, there's a huge puddle on the floor, goodbye .

Re: this is it
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jun 21 21:56:27 2000 (#182)

Good-bye, I hope you're happier wherever you are now. I hope you proud that you finally did what none of us have had the courage to do. Good-bye, you're done. Nothing left to experience, nothing left to feel, nothing left to love, nothing left to laugh about, nothing nothing nothing. But if you changed your mind, please talk to me. Please change your mind, please talk to me. Please.

Hi, new here...
Posted by Lia on Wed Jun 21 22:45:08 2000 (#184)

Hi, I've been going to another self-injury board called "Self-Injury: A safe place to talk" It's linked to from my web page at http://rheakali.8m.com and is a really good board with lots of nice people and support... The problem is, my stepmom reads all my posts there, so I can't be as open about some things as I want to be. I came across this board and I am hoping it is just as good as the other one, so that I can post openly here and get the support I need without my stepmom intruding... I'm 16, a female, in Memphis, TN and have been SI-ing for about 3 or 4 years... I'm on Paxil and about to go on Neurotin (sp?) and have been in therapy for over a year now and none of it is helping. The only things that somewhat help is the internet, my boyfriend, and God, but it's not quite enough... peace and hugs Lia

Re: Hi, new here...
Posted by Kate on Thu Jun 22 02:43:46 2000 (#188)

Hi,it's nice to meet you. I am a cutter too, so I know how you feel. I am 22 and a female. I have been cutting for about seven years on and off. Is the medication working? I am here if you need me.

Re: Hi, new here...
Posted by Lia on Thu Jun 22 05:28:48 2000 (#189)

no, the medication doesn't help, and neither does therapy. I finally came to the realization today that the reason I have been holding so much anger inside the past few days is that I've realized how the doctors and meds don't help. Basically I've been handling this on my own cuz I don't confide in my psychologist anymore about when I cut or what I'm feeling or anything. So it's pointless for my dad to waste $135 out of his own pocket every other week for me to see her. And I don't want another psychologist either. I just want to stop with all the doctors and meds. I've been dealing with it by myself for quite awhile now and I can finally see it getting a little better... it will take awhile, but I can do this without the doctors and meds... now the problem is making my parents see this... to me, the meds and the doctors are a discouragement, as if the fact that I have to take pills everyday and see doctors every other week is telling me that there is no hope of really getting better... I just want that to go away... I'm getting better on my own... why do I need them?

punching glass...
Posted by Lia on Thu Jun 22 01:06:50 2000 (#185)

I have this strong urge to punch my hand through something glass, a window or mirror or something... I don't know why. I've never done it before. I've cut using broken glass, but I've never punched my hand into glass. I can visualize the intricate cuts the glass would leave and the blood trickling down my hand... I really want to do it, but then my parents would of course notice a broken window or mirror or something so that won't work. Grr!

Medication
Posted by Kate on Thu Jun 22 02:41:24 2000 (#187)

Does anyone know about what kinds of medication can help this cutting. I am on Zoloft and Busphar and my therapist wants to try something else I don't want litium. Especially since I sometimes drink that would mess me up. I need help.

Re: Medication
Posted by blue rose on Thu Jun 22 20:02:20 2000 (#190)

Lithium was not a good thing for me. It just slowed me way down and made me want to sleep all the time. I actually cut more while I was on that. What do you feel like most often? Are you mostly depressed or uncontrollably happy? The lithium is supposed to help with the uncontrollably happy part but doesn't do shit for the depression. I was taking Serzone for a while and I really liked it. The only drawback was that I didn't sleep as much as I should have. I've also heard that Wellbutrin is a wonder drug for all sorts of mental disorders. I've never taken it so I don't know if it does any good for cutting but it's worth a shot. Ask your doc and see what she/he says.

Re: Medication
Posted by Kate on Fri Jun 23 00:43:27 2000 (#193)

I am more depressed than uncontrollably happy. I have depression, not manic depression. I am going to stick with my medicine right now and then see how it goes. I haven't cut in two days since I have told my psychologist.

Re: Medication
Posted by Lia on Thu Jun 22 23:02:11 2000 (#191)

I've been on Paxil for the longest time. Doesn't help me a whole lot but it does help some people... it's an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication... they told me it should calm me down enough to where I won't cut. Ask your doctor... might help you. Lia

Re: Medication
Posted by Skye on Fri Aug 25 07:33:33 2000 (#553)

I was on Wellbutrin before...and I have to say that medicine made me feel so sick that after 2 days I stopped taking it.It made me feel incredibly lightheaded,dizzy,and confused,it also made my stomach hurt-it didn't help in the least bit with my depression either.I hate to say it but *most* anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications don't interact well with alcohol..As for other people,Wellbutrin might help you-talk to your psychiatrist about it...

Medication
Posted by Kathrine J on Fri Jun 23 00:17:46 2000 (#192)

I've been on Prozac for over a year now. It doesn't help. I was on seroxat a mild anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug.The prozac has made my depression darker and the cutting worse but the doctors just don't want to know.Once when my mother said I might cut the doctor just laughed and said 'Oh well, you can't go around doing that can you'Can you believe he was so ignorant!I have actually over the past two weeks been trying to cut the Prozac down to one every other day until I'm off it altogether.It's no use going back to the docs they are not intersted.I don't want to be bleak and negative but I think people like us will never be 'cured' as such.We just have to help ourselves and try to get through each day.My thoughts are with you all. E-mail me if you need to.A different address again,the other ones weren't working.

Re: Medication
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 12:40:50 2000 (#284)

yeah i think your right. there are some doctors out there who are ok, but the rest of them shouldnt treat anyone like that. at the least they should find you someone who could help. if they dont want t help, ask the people at reception, i find that they can be really cool sometimes. if you are at school or college, there is bound to be a councillor there. they have to be good, because if they arnet, they get kicked out( if someone complains they get in trouble )

i have to go now, but i will be back, check my message on tuesday to see how easy it is to change doctors and how to change! good luck.

Joe

Re: Medication
Posted by kristina on Thu Aug 31 04:47:38 2000 (#620)

i agree about the medicine thing, i just quit taking the third medicine i was put on. the first one, paxil, didnt work at all... the next one was wellbutrin and when they upped the dose, i broke out in awful hives for like, three days. then i was put on effexor which gave me awful stomach aches but i kept taking it anyways. then i just couldnt take getting sick anymroe and it wasnt working anyway so i just quit taking it. i just figure ill find some other way to get better than medicine

Momentory Enthusiasm
Posted by Gemma on Fri Jun 23 02:20:01 2000 (#194)

Sorry, can't spell!

I am having a weird relapse into sanity, almost normality!

I have to wish everyone hope and freedom from the pain of self harm, and try to pass on all on this positive energy to everyone!

I think after all the shrinks, doc's an everyone else, a positive attitude and will power can get us through. After thinking so negitively about trying to stop, like telling myself I would have a massive scar, the only thing I know that works is that I don't cut if I'm feeling good. So try and think about all the good things, it might be hard at the moment but try and overcome your problems and don't let life get to you too much.

Play it like a game, make people feel good and when your surroundings are positive you should start to feel good in yourself. This is the theory that has worked for me it just took me some time to reolise it. Please e-mail me if you want to talk about how ya feel. But sorry I can't garantee this mood'll last forever, I havn't felt like this for ages.

C ya soon,

Please take care,

smile,

be happy,

Gemma. (PS. catch me when I fall! lol)

Depressed
Posted by Kate on Fri Jun 23 02:34:02 2000 (#195)

I am having a hard time not cutting. I am feeling the urge to cut. We are having a family dinner tonight and I don't feel social at all. I am so tired lately and depressed. Almost as if the cutting reenergizes me. Does this happen to anyone else?

Re: Depressed
Posted by Lia on Fri Jun 23 05:05:31 2000 (#196)

That happens to me, wanting to cut and feeling totally unsocial... Just try to deal with the dinner, and try not to cut. It will make you feel better about yourself... You will feel good about not cutting, right? I hope things go ok. *hugs* Lia

No more therapy or meds for me!
Posted by Lia on Sat Jun 24 01:43:40 2000 (#197)

Yay! My stepmom read another board I go to and she saw that I said I'm sick of therapy and meds that don't work and we talked about it and they said I don't have to go anymore and i can stop my meds! Yay! I'm *so* happy! Cuz I've been doing everything basically on my own. The Paxil has no effect on me at all and the therapy is pointless, so I get to quit!!! :) :) :) peace and hugs Lia

Re: No more therapy or meds for me!
Posted by Dark Angel on Thu Aug 31 03:53:24 2000 (#616)

Lucky you. :(

stupid me
Posted by odessa on Sat Jun 24 10:04:05 2000 (#200)

i feel so fucking hopeless right now. i just carved "bitch" into my hip. cutting my wrists is definintly old. my new thing is carving words(how i feel) into areas nobody will see. i carved this into my hip, and i know my bf will see it....but...he said i was a bitch, i hope he enjoys the fact that i realize that i'm a bitch.

Re: stupid me
Posted by Lia on Sat Jun 24 15:57:47 2000 (#202)

I'm sure he didn't mean it when he said you are a bitch... And I don't really know you yet, but I'm sure you're not a bitch. I know the thing about carving words though. I've done that a couple of times. I've started to a couple of times recently but changed my mind because I know that one day all this will pass and I don't want those words scarred into my body forever... If I do anything more than normal cuts, I do drawings or designs... something I could have tattooed on later with ink if I felt like it, such as a celtic scar-too on my ankle of the trinity going around my ankle. It's fading, but I eventually want to have that tattooed over. Anyway, that's off the subject... I just hope you are doing ok, and I hope you feel better about yourself soon. peace and hugs Lia

Life sucks!
Posted by Kate on Sat Jun 24 15:19:21 2000 (#201)

My life sucks. I am so sick of everyonek, especially guys. I need to get away. I am not going to kill myself because of my family but I cannot stop cutting. It is the only thing that helps me.

Re: Life sucks!
Posted by gianna on Tue Jun 27 02:45:45 2000 (#208)

Gianna,here. Your are right about that. I agree 100%. Do you any thing about cutting when fustrated ,cuz I' m at that point right now. Well I just wanted to let you know I agree., Gianna

Cutting
Posted by Kathrine J on Sat Jun 24 19:38:54 2000 (#203)

I have found some alternatives to cutting useful in the past.When you get that feeling that you want to see blood and flesh and stuff use bright red lipstick to write stuff, you can go crazy.I have written all over my torso in lipstick when I've wanted to carve myself up.Then when the feeling passes it is a relief that you didn't cut and the writing just washes off in the bath.Colouring books are good too, to calm you down.Usually you feel like nobody can help you when you feel that way(I usually want to be completely alone)so you have to find simple things to keep you on the right side of the void.It may seem silly to others but I'm learning more everyday not to give a shit about anyone else,they don't about you!I went clothes shopping today with my mother and it was hard finding t-shirts with the right length sleeves but I didn't let it get me down and I eventually found what I was looking for.Remember,I'm always here. Luv Kathrine J xxxx

What the hell?!?!
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jun 25 09:10:36 2000 (#204)

I honestly don't understand this strange sensation I have. I really really want to cut my arm but I have no reason too. Today wasn't a bad day, I went to work, came home, went to my friens house and watched some movies and we had a good time and yet I feel like running my goddamn razor blade across my arm untill it is an unrecognizable mess of flesh and blood. That's all I am, flesh and blood. Maybe that's it. I just want to open up and see if there's anything else to me besides that. I want to slash my arms wide open and yank out the veins and arteries and cut them completely apart with a scisors. I want to see how big of a puddle I can make before I pass out and eventually die. But that's the problem right there. I don't want to die. I used to think I did, but now I'm not so sure. What is it that keeps me clinging to something that I so despise. Ah, the melodrama of blue rose, it's my trademark. I hope this didn't trigger any of you because I have come to care about you all very much. I hope that means something to you.

Re: What the hell?!?!
Posted by Kate on Sun Jun 25 17:35:56 2000 (#205)

I know what you mean. Sometimes I cut because I like the feeling. I think it just relaxes us. It is an addiction, like a drug. You are not alone.

Trigger
Posted by Gemma on Tue Jun 27 00:37:03 2000 (#207)

I know exactly what you mean. When I went to hospital for stiches they said why this time, has someone upsett you? But the truth is I felt fine! I just wanted to see the blood feel the pain, cut a vien, like scare myself or something. Maybe it's the adrenalin!

When I step out of a bloody bath, that each time gets darker and darker, I want to cut bigger and deeper, untill I'm close to death, I want to go to casualy and face all those arogant bastards, yet I don't want to die and don't want the scar.

Anyone relate?

sorry its kinda late
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 15:23:17 2000 (#288)

uh, yeah i think i know what you lot mean. when i feel fine, i still cut and i hope someone will see, i think i just want attention. thats one of my secrets. i started cutting because i wanted to let people know how i feel. then i found i really enjoyed it. it never worked. people just think im stupid. i get loads of hassle but i cant stop. i just wanted to say that.

Re: sorry its kinda late
Posted by kayla on Sat Jul 15 21:17:29 2000 (#386)

i cut even when i feel good. its getting to the point where i have no where else to cut.

I hate it when this happens.
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jun 27 07:52:38 2000 (#209)

It's one o'clock a.m. I always feel like hurting at one o'clock in the morning. I put rubber bands aroung my wrists as a coping method. Every time I want to cut, I'm just supposed to snap the rubber band. Now, instead of razor thin cuts on my wrists, I have huge bruises. I'm not sure if this really is a coping method of just another form of self destruction. I feel so unreal. Un-reality makes me want to hurt. Maybe it's just becuase it's late or (an epiphany) maybe I'm crazy. But then again, maybe I'm faking it.

I'm through
Posted by Kathrine Jones on Tue Jun 27 16:44:18 2000 (#210)

I've had enough.I've had a nice cut just on the arm and torso.I hate my father, I want to scream at him I F***ING HATE YOU.He always makes me feel like cutting.He's horrible and sais horrible things to me when he knows very well that'll make me cut.He's even dressed my cuts before yet he still makes me feel worthless.I hate all of my family more than anything,I can't stand the sight of them.So i'm going.I don't know where, I guess I'll have to sleep in my car by the beach.I'll have to cope on my own that's all.Other people do it why can't I?So I have clothes a flask and some money and I'm going.I'll miss you all. LOVE xxxxx Kathrine J

Re: I'm through
Posted by Gemma on Tue Jun 27 16:53:33 2000 (#211)

I don't think you should go, why don't you tell your dad what you think. Tell him that you don't think he cares.

Out on your own you'll probably end up going back anyway and you'll have to explain then so why not now.

Do you see a psychiatrist or counsellor, maybe you could discuss this with them. But if your in a stable environment I mean no abuse, food on the table I'd hang on to it untill you can sort out your problems and get a job or somthing. Your young go out try to enjoy yourself and let life lead you somewhere worth going.

Good luck, Gemma

Re: I'm through
Posted by Kathrine J on Wed Jun 28 00:09:25 2000 (#214)

I'm back, well I read what you said Gemma and I knew you were right.I have a good home.I don't come from a broken family or anything like that.That's why it hurts so much to feel this way.But I feel totally worthless for wimping out and not going. Maybe if I had a good reason it wouldn't seem so weird.I do hate my dad, I don't get along with him at all.So I decided I won't speak to him.I will only answer if he says something to me.It really is no use trying to explain to him, he doesn't listen and he always thinks he's right.I know it upsets my mum when I cut but she never says.I made sure I left blood in the bath so she would see. I just want someone to help me.I don't see a counselor or a pshychiatrist.I stopped cause they wouldn't take me seriously.I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.I'll have to stop mixing with my family.Just stay on my own in my room all day,everyday and read books.Sometimes I think all that would make me feel better is for somebody to put their arms around me so I wouldn't feel so scared.I'm so glad I've found you all here or I would just die.

Re: I'm through
Posted by Gemma on Wed Jun 28 14:16:42 2000 (#218)

I glad you've found something to hold on to.

You can e-mail me if you like I have my own problems aswell, but I won't discuss them with you unless you want me to.

Try not to hide away though. I definatly think you should try and see about finding another councellor. They should take you seriously and if not try the samaritons, I'm not saying you want to kill yourself but they are the nicest people I have come across for when you feel desperate, and are always willing to help and put you in touch with lots of helpful places.

Write back if you like,

i'm always listening.

Suicide at 13 couldn't be all bad
Posted by Sara on Tue Jun 27 20:56:27 2000 (#212)

Too all who read this, wow, life is wacked up, isn't it! Just when you think you're better, when you think you've finally won against all odds...... I hate cutting. I hate making myself throw up. I have infected cut and a throat torn from hydrochloric acid. Everything travels in cycles.....I'm feeling wonderful for a few weeks, and I begin to think maybe I'm done......and the next thing I know I'm back to where I started, so depressed I go to bed at 8 and don't even care. This isn't fair to me, I just want to be HAPPY.

Re: Suicide at 13 couldn't be all bad
Posted by Michael My Tears on Tue Jun 27 22:27:08 2000 (#213)

We all want to be happy, but life can be so cruel, at least you know you can find help and love from others in the same situation as you on boards like this ~*hugs*~

Re: Suicide at 13 couldn't be all bad
Posted by Sara on Wed Jun 28 01:04:43 2000 (#216)

Thank you. I do know I can write on this board for help...from my experience I see that the only people to trust are those who KNOW how it is. Namely, others with the same problems.

Re: Suicide at 13 couldn't be all bad
Posted by Gianna on Wed Jun 28 00:45:51 2000 (#215)

hey Sara, Gianna here. What's up? Why are you making yourself throw up? That is not good for your system. Like I should talk, I haven't eatten a regular diet for 3 months Write to me either through,e-mail or the board. I want to talk to you. Gianna

Re: Suicide at 13 couldn't be all bad
Posted by Sara on Wed Jun 28 01:06:40 2000 (#217)

I'm making myself throw up because it makes me feel so good.....I thought I was done with it, I hadn't thrown up in over 3 months, but then something triggered me and I found myself at the toilet, and I couldn't control it.....and now I, for the first time in those 3 months, feel good about myself and I'm addicted again and I can't help it.....

Re: Suicide at 13 couldn't be all bad
Posted by CeCe on Tue Oct 10 02:01:52 2000 (#972)

Dude! I TOTALLY know how you feel! I soooo wish I could just kill myself and get it over with...If you EVER want to talk, feel free to e-mail me ANY time about ANYTHING! And I PROMISE I will listen! Well hope to hear from you soon!

-CeCe

Attension
Posted by Moo on Wed Jun 28 16:51:11 2000 (#219)

I'm just wondering dose anyone here like the attension they get from cutting? Come on be honest. I love being taken into ER, and having blood spurting from a sliced atery. Or is it me am I sick?

Re: Attension
Posted by annoyed on Wed Jun 28 18:15:26 2000 (#220)

There are far better ways to get the attention of those you love rather that risking your life. It's really not worth it. Think about why you really do it, and be honest with yourself.

Re: Attension
Posted by Kathrine Jones on Wed Jun 28 18:53:12 2000 (#221)

If that's the way you feel, then so be it.But I think most cutters don't do it for attention otherwise they wouldn't go to such lengths to cover up their scars.We do it as a way of coping, like an alchoholic drinks, a drug user, or any other kind of self harm.It makes me feel better cause it takes all the pain away in my head.It soothes it and lets everything out.My body is pretty scarred.I know when and why I did each scar, I can remember and believe me I have a lot of scars.But it was never cause of any kind of attention seeking. Thank you Gemma for making me feel better, wherever you are.You know what it's like you feel it's the end of the world then you come down again and feel so depressed at being so weak.I'm starting the healing process again but deep down I know when I'm over it it will come again to get me.That's what being like this means.You can run but you can't hide.But, like I said I have all of you to talk to and that means so much. Luv xxxx Kathrine J

Re: Attension
Posted by Moo on Wed Jun 28 22:10:22 2000 (#227)

why are you annoyed with me?

Re: Attension
Posted by kate on Wed Jun 28 19:31:25 2000 (#222)

I don't do it for attention because no one knows. I do as a way of coping just like Katherine J. said. I don't want that kind of negative attention.

Re: Attention
Posted by Moo on Wed Jun 28 21:58:41 2000 (#225)

But it's so weird, am I the only one then, dosn't anyone feel like me? You know this makes me feel quite lonely. I don't always do it for attention but I do love attention. sure some horrible stuff has happened to me in my life time, but only rarely do I cut directly because of that.

I dunno maybe I'm kidding myself that I'm in control and want attention when really it's just a cry for help?

Oh God, I hate this, I'm so scared of being left alone nobody cares. Nobody. They all think I'm fucked up in the head, mom said "Am I in denial, maybe nows the time to accept she's insane". She uses it as an exscuss to not let me go places, for fear of my unpredictable habit and anger.

I'm going through life completely paranoid that someone is controlling everything that happens in my life and I can't help thinking hard times and situations are being forced unavoidibly upon me to see how I coupe, to see how much I can take untill i crack!

I can't take it anymore, you all think it too, don't you that i'm crazy, but i'm not.

I see a psychiatrist person but i can'yt tell him this cause he just asks me questions never offers solutions. I wish i could tell him but then he'd think i'm crazy like everyone else.

sorry i really need help, isn't there anyone else out there who feels remotely as i do? Dose anyone love the attebtion from medical people but not from abnyone you know?

Re: Attention
Posted by Kate on Thu Jun 29 01:37:06 2000 (#228)

You are not weird, you might be craving the attention you are lacking. Talk to me anytime.

Re: Attention
Posted by blue rose on Thu Jun 29 19:33:31 2000 (#239)

What you say makes sense. I've never gotten attention from anyone about my cutting so I don't know if I'd feel the same as you do. I probably would. I don't like attention, necessarily, but I do like to be in control. And that with that kink of attention I would feel that I had power over peoples emotions, that I could make them feel sorry for me or even love me. Does this make sense??

As for the shrink, they ask questions so they can know you better and offer correct solutions to your problems. The ones who don't ask questions are the ones to worry about. The questions are usually painful to answer. If you're strong enough to go through with it then I really admire you. Even if you try I do. I attempted to get help but ran away when it got too hard. Now it's too late.

You are not alone, you are definitly not alone. The reasons may be different but the act and the basic goal are still the same. Write me if you get too lonely.

When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Kate on Wed Jun 28 19:37:32 2000 (#223)

Is it normal to just want to cut when nothing is bothering you. Sometimes I just want cut because I like the feeling of the pain. Am I nuts?

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jun 28 20:59:12 2000 (#224)

Yes, you are nuts. We're all nuts. I kind of like it that way. I hope I didn't offend you.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Moo on Wed Jun 28 22:08:37 2000 (#226)

shut up shut up shut up shut up

I'm not nuts, nobody has to be!!

I was watching tennis the way they clench there fits or hit there raquet they are releasing somthing don't you understand everyone dose it in a small or big way the spectrum is endless. some people amputate their own limbs for plessure! I know what it is you all experiance for sure if you inflict enough pain that is a chemical release. could be adrenalin, like somebody else i read said earlier.

when nothings wrong i suspect your brain still remembers that good feeling release or whatever and craves it again. The body automatically craves more of a good thing

anyone agree with me here, There may not be one your right but i can't help craving for a reasonale reason for mine and eveyones apparently 'strange' behaviour. i have to look for answers because i'm sooo insecure

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by blue rose on Thu Jun 29 06:29:33 2000 (#230)

Yes, you are right, none of us has to be nuts. But, you have to admit that there is a difference between the releasing of adrenalin and the boosting of seretonin in the brain by exserting yourself physically, like playing tennis, is more than a little different than removing a vital part of your body, or even just purposfully injuring a part of your body. I am assuming (which I probably shouldn't) but nonetheless, I am assuming that most of us want to get past this "self destructive" behavior and a large part of that is admitting that there is a problem. And the word "nuts" or "crazy" or just plain "unbalanced" is used to describe the condition, take it as an admission of a rather large and important problem and not for their connotation of something to be ashamed of. I am seriously unbalanced, if I weren't I would be out playing tennis instead of sitting here slitting my wrists for no apparent reason except for the fact that I like the pain.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Moo on Thu Jun 29 12:51:07 2000 (#232)

Ok your right Seretonin that nice chemical whatever, maybe we are the only ones who have found a way of releasing it, really efficiantly, and feeing better real quick, but we are not denying it because of the stigma surrounding it, right?

So maybe after all there is nothing wrong with it. if people were educated aswell, maybe we and many others would be doing this as a perfectly normal act, and we wouldn't have to worry about the scars. Or or stare at the puzzled look or that arogant psychiatrist.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by something is wrong on Thu Jun 29 16:14:01 2000 (#234)

Are you really thinking about what you are saying?

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Kate on Thu Jun 29 17:11:34 2000 (#235)

I am sure she is thinking about what she is saying. Who are you? Are you a cutter? Do you understand the shit we are going through? I am sorry if I sound bitchy but I haven't cut in 6 days and it has been hard.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Moo on Thu Jun 29 17:23:37 2000 (#236)

Thanks Kate, I know you probably don't agree with me but I think I'm thinking what I feel, and somtimes those feelings get really mixed up.

And well done!

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Kate on Thu Jun 29 17:43:39 2000 (#237)

No problem, we have to stick up for each other.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by blue rose on Thu Jun 29 19:20:39 2000 (#238)

Are you sure she is thinking what she is saying? Because if what she is saying is true then I might as well just fucking kill myself. What it comes down to is that she is saying it is normal to be in so much pain that I cut my wrists at every chance I get and that it was okay that I was abused and abandoned when I was 7 and she is saying that it is normal to be fucking suicidal. I cut, I cut a lot, and sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes, when something happens or something triggers me, I shut off all emotion so I don't have to go through the pain and torture of remembering why it hurts to see people in love or why it hurts to see sex scenes in movies or why it hurts when someone says that I'm beautuful because i know that they just want to fuck me and forget about me. It's not normal to be so broken on the inside that you don't even know what's wrong but deep down you know that something is very very wrong. I cut because I am so bruised, battered, bloody, and broken on the inside that I want the outside to match. I want to be ugly so no man will walk by and see a pretty girl with a nice ass while I see in his face the desire to rape me. I cut to make sure that my heart is still pumping blood through my body and i don't cut for no reason, even though it may seem for no reason, I don't do it because it, the actual cutting, feels good, and I definitely DO NOT DO IT FOR FUCKING ATTENTION. Think about things before you write them, think about things before you say them, we're not supposed to be fighting with each other, we're supposed to be helping each other.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Moo on Thu Jun 29 23:59:01 2000 (#241)

Ok, look i'm sorry i offended you. And i'm sorry you had to go through all those awful experiances that many of us have. But what i mean when i'm talking about attention could be linked to any of that. Maybe your shadowed by your own emotions but i'm not talking sexual attention here. I mean like you want attention from people as you wish you had when you were little and went through the awful experiances. Like how i wish i could have told my mum when i was raped, like I wish i could have told that councellor about when my dad beats me. Like the fact that I want someone to at least acknowlege the pain i went through, get some sympathy now for the child i was.

I do know how you feel. I hate cutting. I do it because i have to but deep at the back of my mind i want them all to realise why. i want some nice people at a hospital to sit down and listen to me, tell me i'm right to feel as i do, because my fucking mother couldn't give a shit. but you don't always get those nice people, but theirs no hope anywhere else, i have to be content with the negitive attention or feel real bad afterwards as i often do. i need that hope though that's why i cut deeper and deeper.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Linda on Fri Jun 30 21:21:05 2000 (#255)

Moo, I have offered to listen to several of you and very rarely does anyone really want my attention. I am a mother of three that ended up here in search for some answers to a problem I had been made aware of---self-injury. I was shocked that it existed. I couldn't understand it and I most certainly couldn't understand why the person that I know personally would have done that. So, I began a thorough search to find information concerning the mindset behind it. I have been crushed so many times to read the messages of despair and hopelessness. My personal reaction is that if I could build a big home and bring you all there and administer plenty of love and attention to each and every one it would bring me much joy. But you and I both know that is not possible. I am here to listen to anyone who needs a listening ear. At this particular time, I have made friends with several of the posters here and feel that I have helped in a small way. If you just need a mother to listen....please!!!!! use me! Linda

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Moo on Sat Jul 1 00:12:47 2000 (#259)

Thankyou so much Linda for your support, you obiously have a great heart to be able to care about any of us and are problems when even our own mothers can't.

But i think i'm quite past help, and i'm quite embarrased even to know that someone who has not cut and dosn't share our inermost feelings, read the messages, but i'm not saying it's a bad thing and i hope you now understand us a lot better. As you can probably tell everything that comes out of my mind is rubbish.

I sometimes cut so deep just to take the edge off the erge to stab myself, you see i don't see anything in life, just finishing a school which will leave me with memories of pain and hatred, then some monotonous job to fill, for the rest of my life untill i will die anyway, just with triple the amount of pain and trauma as i have now. so what's the point, am i being selfish to my parents or are they being selfish towards me for trying to keep me alive, to lead an undignified life.

Sorry my thoughts are a muddle and my souls a wreck, nobody understands me and i don't think anybody will, i'm scared in this life and just wish i had never been born. Please don't reply to this if you feel arkward i don't want to put you in a position where you feel you must.

I'm sure you've helped a lot of people and i'm just glad to know that someone in this god forsaken world cares.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Linda on Sat Jul 1 01:49:21 2000 (#262)

Please write me personally. I would love to give you a different view. And as for my ability to love you......that is so very easy to do. There are MANY people in this world that feel the same way I do. I know you are confused and feel distraught but I believe there is hope.

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Moo on Fri Jun 30 00:23:20 2000 (#242)

And when your talking about normal, well let me see.

A person is born a boy therefore they chose it to more confortable(i suppose) to stand and pee from their penis (bare with me). But not everybody is male and not all males pee standing up(just an example). So maybe it's the same with us, not everybody has been through a really bad experiance, therefore not everybody cuts. but then not everybody whos been through a bad experiance dose cut it's their choice. But both are normal.

How much proof do you need that you are not alone and it is not so rare as people think. it must be a normal way of couping. like getting ill is normal but not everyone likes getting ill, right?

You've been through so pretty heavy shit, and cutting is your couping method but a boy can learn to pee sitting down if he wants to. (sorry), do you get the picture? Look i really am trying to think here, it may not sound right but i'm trying to make this easier. I do feel bad for upsetting you but dose it feel any better to get it out?

you may have found the reason to why you cut so not work out how to stop, i was reading the thingy 'PLAN1' underneath it sounds like a good idea why don't we try that?

Re: When nothing is wrong...
Posted by Kate on Thu Jun 29 01:40:00 2000 (#229)

I don't think any of us are nuts. The disease makes us that way. You did not offend me. I don't even know well enough to care.

When hospitalization dosen' t work
Posted by reyna on Thu Jun 29 11:31:31 2000 (#231)

Hi my name is reyna. I admitt that I have a problem with cutting on myself. I cut on my arms wrists and legs. I have been hopspitalized Twice for this and I am on paxil, it's not working what can I do to stop this. Sometimes, well alot of the times I just wanna take a gun and shot myself, but I can never find one, I have tried to commit suicied before and I am not scared to try again, but I just can not bear to see my family seeing through this, does any one have any suggestions?

Re: When hospitalization dosen' t work
Posted by Gemma on Thu Jun 29 13:06:00 2000 (#233)

hey Reyna,

look I'm glad you've found this board caus' there are a lot of people here in and through your situation who can help. We all cut here, I cut my arms wrist thighs and torso, and it dose start to become a problem if you really hate doing it to yourself.

So before you decide to kill yourself, why not take a long hard look at yourself and the real reasons why you want to. It sounds like you don't have any problems with your parents, correct me if i'm wrong, so why not speak to them about this?

Maybe you really need to just blurt out everything that is bothering you to someone? Have you ever done that it really helped me. You can e-mail me if you like I'm always willing to talk.

Don't let cutting ruin your life you've got to try and beat it or just except it. If you really want to stop you could try setting yourself targets like depending on how often you cut now, only one cut per time when you feel you really need to. Then set yourself a challange of how long you can go without cutting, then come back and tell us.

But please don't kill yourself because life is so short already and all problems can be worked through eventually.

Lokk forward to making somthing of your life and ENJOYING it, this goes to everyone.

Good luck.

Re: When hospitalization dosen' t work
Posted by Joe on Fri Jun 30 01:40:40 2000 (#246)

hey reyna if you find talking to people ( like gemma sugested ) difficult, why not try a few of these. the have all been suggested to me - write all your worries down on a peice of paper and rip it up. type your worries on your computer. talk to someone over the phone/net - sometimes its easy if you cant see the person your talking to. speak to you soon, let us know how your getting on? good luck. Joe

PLAN 1!
Posted by Gemma on Thu Jun 29 21:57:23 2000 (#240)

Hey I had an idea, tell me what you think. How about all those here who want to stop cutting, try really hard not to and be honest, see how long you can go without. We could have an ongoing competion, or something you know setting targets un' stuff?

I really want to try and help everyone including myself to leave this behind for good.

And if anyone ends up saying they've cut again we can all help support that person through whatever the situation might be. Or for anyone who feels like cutting. I know talking takes longer than a simple cut but it ain't gonna chew you up inside or make you feel guilty.

Re: PLAN 1!
Posted by Kathrine J on Fri Jun 30 00:43:36 2000 (#243)

Gemma, I think that is a brilliant idea.To help eachother through this message board.I'm willing to give it a try if everyone else is.We have to stick together and help each other out.Even though I have never met any of you and I've only been on this board a couple of weeks I feel I know you all and am beginning to consider you all like my family.For the first time in years I'm starting to feel a sense of help and togetherness which is coming from talking to you all here.I never thought I'd meet?? like minded people who understand how I feel.I hope everyone else will join Gemma and I on this little crusade.We owe it to ourselves to try and get through all this pain.If we rely on eachother we won't need drugs or therapists who only make us feel worse. On the subject of tablets and doctors,I went to the doctors today.I'm off the prozac and on a new drug so we'll see how it goes.I'm also seeing a psychiatrist in a few weeks. Stay calm. Luv Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: PLAN 1!
Posted by Joe on Fri Jun 30 01:35:36 2000 (#245)

hey, i think it is a great idea, and count me in. i hope it helps. how about i set up a website for it? ill post the address if you think it will help. Joe

Re: PLAN 1!
Posted by Gemma on Fri Jun 30 07:43:33 2000 (#248)

Great! I don't know if it'll work but it's worth a try. And i'm really happy you feel that way Kathrine J.

And thanks Joe, we could make that the strarting date when you've announced the address.

good luck everyone, Gemma.

Re: PLAN 1!
Posted by blue rose on Fri Jun 30 09:38:33 2000 (#250)

It's a long shot, but definitely worth a try. As of June 30, 2000 I shall do my best to self harm no more.

Rose

Re: PLAN 1!
Posted by reyna on Fri Jun 30 11:27:51 2000 (#251)

Hey gamma, even though i am new hear you can count me in, sounds like a great idea. Faith is what you need. reyna

Re: PLAN 1!
Posted by Gemma on Fri Jun 30 23:19:58 2000 (#256)

Brill, at last some hope!

So NOBODY cuts tonight! I don't know if 24 hours is a struggle for all of you but it sure is for me so speak to you all tomorrow, and hopefully we can all tick one day off of a chart or whatever. But that's what it'll be one day at a time and remember we're all here for you.

Again good luck!

bad day
Posted by kate on Fri Jun 30 01:53:14 2000 (#247)

I had a terrible day at work, my boss is such a bitch she always yells at everyone. I almost broke down so I went to the bathroom, I didn't have anything to cut myself with so I felt even more like shit. I needed to cut so bad.

Re: bad day
Posted by Gemma on Fri Jun 30 07:44:41 2000 (#249)

How do you feel now that you didn't cut, I know you couldn't but why not feel proud?

Re: bad day
Posted by reyna on Fri Jun 30 11:32:05 2000 (#252)

hey there that is great that you did not cut today, and you know how hard it is to resist it. You should be very pround of yourself for being strong. reyna

therapy totally bit the dust today
Posted by Reyna on Fri Jun 30 11:36:19 2000 (#253)

today i went to therapy and it was so heart wrenching, i cried the whole time. It brought alot of shame to me about being raped and malested. So after that I went home and cut my arm really bad with a razor. It's about 4 inches long and about 1/4 inch wide and it wa really deep, i felt so ashamed after that.

Re: therapy totally bit the dust today
Posted by Kathrine J on Fri Jun 30 13:06:01 2000 (#254)

Reyna I know it doesn't help but you have to get all of your anguish out.As for your cut , have you got medical help, it sounds quite bad, I'm worried about it.You must never feel ahamed for cutting, ever.We are not freaks, we are just crying inside.I hope you feel better soon, I'm thinking about you. Y'know it's funny even though I cut, the thought of someone else being in pain and cutting themselves really upsets me.The thought of somebody else feeling so sad and dejected that they take a razor to their flesh hurts me inside.I feel for all of you. Reyna, you have to join us on trying not to cut.Then you can feel proud, we all can that we've achieved something worthwhile. Luv Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: therapy totally bit the dust today
Posted by Gemma on Fri Jun 30 23:38:49 2000 (#257)

I agree totally with Kathrine, it probably took an awful lot to go through all that again. But please don't feel ashamed, be proud that you managed to get it out of you, I find each time I release a bit of the pain it starts to disapear, I think to myself now I've dealt with this and know it wasn't my fault I don't have to punish myself or let go of pain that nolonger exists. I know it's a lot easier said than done but belive me it'll be worth thinking positivly in the end.

I've been given so much energy and power from somwhere to help you lot, I feel really good in myself. It's like I have to be strong for you. If I'm serious about stopping I'll have to set an example, and so far it feels good. I'd even go as far as to say that after 4 months of depression I'm starting to feel much better again! I really hope this'll work for everyone however bad you feel, nobody wants to feel miserable so we have a great reason to try and get better.

And Kathrines right about your cut it sounds real bad, where abouts on your body is it, caus' it could be quite dangerous.

I know how you feel as my worst cuts are usually straight after therapy. (but nolonger!)

Plesae write back and don't worry about being locked up or anything in hospital because as long as you say you didn't want to kill yourself or explain what you just went through they should have all the sympathy in the world for you as we do.

PLAN 2
Posted by Gemma on Fri Jun 30 23:50:13 2000 (#258)

Hi, I had another idea aswell, that could go along with PLAN 1.

I know that a lot of people here have reasons for cutting that they are aware of, and I also know that part of cutting can sometimes be because you feel unable to deal with those problems, like for example I still can't tell my psychiatrist and have doubts that he ever believes me.

But I think it is still really important that you can try and talk out your problems with someone if the thought of them are likely to trigger cutting.

So I offer my e-mail to anyone who wants to talk, but also try and talk to your families, friends, or anyone who wants to offer their e-mail as a place for people let these feelings go. We are not counsellor or professionals but we have experiance, feelings and often the best way of making yourself feel better is to help other people, so we can all feel good together.

Please tell me your comments this all might seem over the top, unrealistic, or if I'm being too bossy, or patronising then tell me. My only goal is to try and help you all, I've only been here about a month but you all seem such great friends already.

Re: PLAN 2
Posted by Kathrine J on Sat Jul 1 00:14:22 2000 (#260)

Gemma I don't think you are being bossy.You seem so positive at the moment and that can only be good, especially when you spread it around for the good of other people.I don't know you but your positivity is making me feel better.And if it helps you to be strong by being strong for all of us here then that's wonderful.I haven't found any of this chat triggering although I can see why some others might.This site has helped me more in two months that every therapist I have seen since the age of nine.You're right about experience, unless you've been through being a cutter yourself you will never understand.We are in the best possible company, with each other.So we have to be there and help each other out whenever we can.Even if it's only listening. Stay calm Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: PLAN 2
Posted by blue rose on Sat Jul 1 00:33:09 2000 (#261)

This, also, is a very good and helpful idea. Every single conversation, argument, and discussion on this board has helped me learn a great amount about other people and myself. I know I can be critical and opinionated but I am also a good listener. I would love to help anyone who wants it. I won't be afraid to ask for help either. Count me in on Plan 2.

Re: PLAN 2
Posted by Gemma on Sat Jul 1 13:12:15 2000 (#264)

hey, that's much better! Everyone is starting to sound much more ositive. And if you look over the previous 6 or 7 messages it's the same, so if it's already working then great!

I just can't help looking over all the stories of guilt, shame, dispear hoplesness etc.. and not try to offer the one thing i've always needed which is hope.

I hope you've all found that here now.

(Blue rose- i read one of your messages and i would just like to say i think getting that out, and saying what you felt was a really brave thing, which i couldn't do. But if you need to talk further yourself then please contact me i'm willing to listen anytime.)

NEXT PART BIT OF A RELAPSE DON'T READ IF YOU UNLESS YOU THINK YOU CAN STAY POSITIVE UN' HAPPY!

Also, although i'm going to try really hard to stay postive and not cut for all of you i can't promise that this will last forever. i'm really glad many of you are starting to feel better, but it is very likely i will slip back into depression, but i have really enjoyed being myself for awile and hope it lasts some more. but if i do slip then everybody who feels the remotest bit positive must carry this on for the sake of everyone else, thanks.

Re: PLAN 2
Posted by kate on Sat Jul 1 19:31:28 2000 (#269)

That is a good idea, but I have people to support me but my problems are within myself. I have a good family and good friends but I am so fucked up that it doesn't help. I have severe self esteem and paranoia issues that I have become a social outcast. All the support in the world can't help me. That is why I cut.

Re: PLAN 2
Posted by Joe on Sat Jul 1 22:51:06 2000 (#274)

hey kate, you know the e-mail addy if you want to talk, coz i know what its like for me to have severe self esteem issues. hey gemma, i just wanna say, WELL DONE! i think all your ideas are really great! as youv only been here a month, youv accomplished loads. hey everyone! the website for plan1/2 is coming along well. it is nearly finished and, ill post the address soon!. ps: well done everyone. keep it up. if you aint up, please talk to someone, if not me, there are lots of people here who would help. Joe

1st time here
Posted by diane on Sat Jul 1 06:01:12 2000 (#263)

Hi,I dont really know how this board works or if I will even get a response or what. I had gone almost 4 days without cutting this week . I didnt even cut after getting the wicked witch scolding me at therapy this week."we cant move on until you stop this nasty little habit of your!!!" Well I feel like I have been so jittery..I cant take a walk since I injured my leg. I am going crazy. Quit my job last week. Well today my dad called and said "are you working hard at work?" I said I quit last week' He said, "good then you are all better eh....thats good you will be all better" I felt (i always feel) like he didnt hear me (despite that fact I detailed my bpd recently)at that time my parents said I am just going through a phase I will be fine and they took my kids ( havent seent them in two weeks). NO ONE EVER HEARS ME>not even my husband....well, during the rest of our conversation I cut and cut..... When we hung up..(he was on his car phone driving to his office) he said "oh, I am at he office bye...call me if you ever need to talk" I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK>>..he always answers his own questions to me..I am invisible with no feelings. Well I watched the blood and felt the pain and finally slept 2 hours ..my first peaceful sleep in 4 days..very calming. I woke up ashamed and dissapointd. I need something..like a hug or understanding or just to be heard!!!can anyone relate or am i the only one

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Gemma on Sat Jul 1 13:49:52 2000 (#265)

No you are must certainly not alone. And I send you a huge E-HUG, caus' we all know how ya feel.

It seems you are pretty unsupported at the moment and as for your therapist, i'd change her, you are perfectly within your rights.

The most important thing i think you should let your family know is that just because you cut, or even depressed dose not mean your crazy. Stress will always make you cut more, and I don't blame you. It also sounds like they feel insecure or even in denial. Your husband has to answer his own questions to put his mind at rest because he dosn't want to except there is anything wronge. I might be able to find you some liturature on self harm and the reasons for it, it might help your family understand how you feel at the moment if you show them. Another thing if you offer your husband to attend a therapy session with you that way he can't get away or put the phone down on you. He'll probably feel a bit ashamed or guilty being there because he'll think you've told the therapist of how he dosn't help, which means you should be able to talk and he will have to listen.

I'm sure you parents will return your kids soon or if not there is nothing stopping you from picking them up.

If they're leaving you on you own and you seem to be feeling pretty lonely to me then just take this time to do something pleasurable. Think the kids are away so now i have some time to myself i'll induge. Believe me you'll feel better in yourself and positive energy usually travels, your family will start to feel better about you, maybe then when their feeling more secure and happy you can open up to them about the problems that have driven you to cut or see a therapist in the first place.

Or you can talk to us.

If i'm talking out of place or you think i've got it all wronge then don't feel bad just tell me. None of us are professionals but we have experiance in being hurt, abused, emosionally neglected and pushed away from friends and families, so we know how it feels and we're all here to support and offer you advice any time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Re: 1st time here
Posted by diane on Sat Jul 1 16:31:38 2000 (#267)

thanks gemma..especailly for the last paragraph were you said I could clarify and you wouldnt be hurt. How old are you? I am 36

My kids are in another state. I dont highway drive. My parents have never listened and have always been in deniel that I even have emotions. It is my parents not huband that always answer the quesions that they direct to me. I have fallen for their philosophy of not speaking up and being controlled until recently. THEY DONT EVEN KNOW I CUT AT ALL!!!! I recently only explained some of my life long feelings to them and they sadi..Just a phase..you will get better.

They didnt hear a word. So now i am grieving their partial death and I am working on NOT trying to make them proud of me anymore. I have been

perfect littel girl my whole life.

Husband understands and is very willing to go to therapy wiht me to learn more. He knows I tell therapist about him....he doesnt see a problem..he thinks everything he does is justified and has an excuse for most things he does.He tries to be supportive but also continues to hurt me emotionally.

I am starteing to have these repulsed feelings about cutting. Like I am going to pass out or vimit and I trembled and cant breath. HAS ANYBODY EVER FelT THAT. Up until yeterday I welcoomed the pain of the cuts, but the few hours that I slept last night, I would wake up aching from the cuts, crying, and repulsed at what I did. I havent ever felt that way. NOnethelass I already cut again this am.

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Gemma on Sat Jul 1 19:41:42 2000 (#270)

I seem to have got your situation a little mixed up. How come they took your kids if they don't think you have a problem? It dosn't matter how old we are, if the advice helps in anyway or gives you any hope then good, if not then I'm sorry.

Nearly all of us who cut feel repulsed at what we do, your trembling maybe that you had a panic attack or something(if your heart rate increased aswell), because your stressed and scared about what you are doing and I don't blame you.

Are you sure you don't need medical attention? If the pain wakes you up then it must have been pretty deep, if you ever need stiches don't worry about what they will be like with u caus' they can't treat you any differently than an accident patient.

And why not try talking to your husband at length about him? like what you told us- 'he doesnt see a problem..he thinks everything he does is justified and has an excuse for most things he does.He tries to be supportive but also continues to hurt me emotionally.'

I do see you are in a really arkward situation, and I won't persist to patronise you. There is a great lady also with kids called Linda, if you feel like talking to someone with as much life experiance, who was talking to someone called 'Moo' earlier, why not try speaking to her, I don't know her personally, but I'm sure she'd love to listen.

If not then if just posting your worries/problems here helps you in anyway, then good.

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Linda on Sat Jul 1 20:00:07 2000 (#271)

(((((((((((((((Gemma)))))))))) )))) Bless your little 15 year old heart!!! Thanks for giving me the good compliment. I am very sorry I have never answered one of your posts. It all gets so overwhelming at times. I just want to help you all and there is seemingly little I can do but if I can help you know that people DO care then I want to do that much. I was talking to my husband about this a while ago and about the post to Moo....."the house I would like to build"...we thought maybe I could build a "virtual house"!!! LOL Well, anyway, I check this website as many as 10 times every day and my heart jumps when I see that the number of posts has increased. I welcome ANY of you to write to me personally. I would feel honored. You are ALL very worthy of love and respect!!! Linda

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Linda on Sat Jul 1 20:15:45 2000 (#272)

Awwww that was probably not nice to tell your age Gemma but I just HAD to. No one would ever guess by your posts. You are very mature for your age and have quite a talent for caring for others. You ought to develop that! Love to you, Linda

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Joe on Sat Jul 1 23:00:14 2000 (#275)

diane, i have sometimes felt really sick just before i cut, i guess i know a likkle bit about what you must feel like when it happens. anyways, just to add my support. good luck to everyone. linda, i agree, aint gemma good? thats why the website for plan1/2 is dedicated to her. good luck everyone. need to talk? my email up there somewere ^ Joe

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jul 2 13:05:51 2000 (#286)

I don't want to spread bad feelings but you say it as if the age thingy is a bad thing. I'm not ashamed of how old I am but when you try and help people they will either think,'she's young dosn't understand, couldn't possibly help', or 'I won't come to a place like this if they are all young.'

Thank you all for your compliments, but please don't take my advice any differently, if it helps it helps, and I love to try and help you all.

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 14:47:54 2000 (#287)

IMPORTANT: this message is not directed at anyone i think gemma's got a good point. it doesnt matter how old someone is, if they have been through the same experience, they can almost certainly help. one of the problems i have with talking to people, is that they always take an adults side because im young. some people dont believe me, or say, you cant do that - your too young, or, people your age shouldnt have that sort of problem. it sucks. also, im not allowed to say what i really think in school, because "i have to respect my elders and betters", people, dont accept it. everyone has an opinion. use it. i think its a right, not a privilege.

Joe

Re: 1st time here
Posted by diane on Sun Jul 2 16:50:51 2000 (#291)

i am sorry for asking age...I guess I made a big mistke being this is my first time here. I always ask cause that seems like an easy "start: to fiend an new frind who may have many others things in common with me ..a typical 36 year old mother and wife..so we could talk about our other interests through email or our the things we muttually deal with as being the same age and lifestyle. PLUS we wouldnt have to hide our emitional and cutting side. I feel much less articulate than anyone here, I hope someone understands and can help explain to others.Thanks

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 16:54:04 2000 (#292)

hey diane, it dont matter. it wasnt a major mistake or anything. it seems fair enough to ask, and as you have never been here before, how should you know? i dont think gemma was angry or anything

dont worry about it.

Re: 1st time here
Posted by diane on Sun Jul 2 18:12:37 2000 (#294)

thank you

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Linda on Sun Jul 2 15:29:07 2000 (#289)

Oh Gemma and Joe......I was not in any way trying to belittle you for your age. If that came across that way, I am so sorry. I was totally amazed at your responses. I would have never guessed your age. I have a 15 year old that I can't even imagine would ever have the depth of thoughts that you do. That was my only point. You are to be commended. I do tend to tease occasionally. That was my first attempt at being the real me......LOL. Please don't be offended. It was not meant to be hurtful. (((((((((((((((((Gemma & Joe))))))))))))))

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 15:34:52 2000 (#290)

i didnt mean for my message to be sort of angry. i said it wasnt directed at anyone. sorry for that im not 15. im only 13. sorry. i probably shouldnt have a say in this, coz my opinions are always wrong.

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jul 2 17:36:15 2000 (#293)

Hey everybody, I didn't want to cause a stir. Nobody has been offended, I hope, but it just goes to show, I would take Joe's advice v.seriously and would never have been able to guess at her age.

It was just the way you said, 'Bless your little 15 year old heart'. My mother always uses 'little' when trying to belittle me, my feelings, and opinions. I'm not saying you meant anything and I take no offence, but I just thought I'd say before anyone took that as a reason to think any less of our views.

Anyway, think happy thoughts and I'll speak to you all soon.

lol

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 20:40:25 2000 (#295)

sorry, i think there has been another misunderstanding. im male. :o)

"I would take Joe's advice v.seriously and would never have been able to guess at her age. "

Joe

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jul 2 20:44:39 2000 (#296)

Don't worry, I undrstood that before, but One of my close friends is called Joe she's female. I realised what I'd written afterwards.

Sorry!

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Linda on Sun Jul 2 20:52:15 2000 (#298)

I am 54 years old and you all have taught me much. I came here searching for some wisdom in this area and you "children" have given me what I was looking for and stirred my heart with compassion on top of that. I believe we can all learn something from each other. When I said "Bless your little 15 year old heart!" I meant that in a very maternal way---not at all in a demeaning way. You know, the Bible even says..."Let no man despise thy youth..." Your experiences and thoughts concerning this subject are very much needed.

Re: 1st time here
Posted by gEMMA on Sun Jul 2 21:51:28 2000 (#301)

THANKS

Re: 1st time here
Posted by Dark Angel on Thu Aug 31 21:25:11 2000 (#644)

I think many adults make the same mistake. Not to say anything about the adults here, they've all been very nice, but at home I feel rejected from my parents. Example: "She couldn't possibly understand" "She's not old enough" It doesn't really matter how old a person is. It really depends on how mature they are. I know a fifteen year old(no one from here) who is a perfect brat. She acts like a seven year old. My parents don't understand me that much, don't understand why I cut, they think I'm too young to have "real" problems. Almost everyone here has problems and someone(can't remember who) said she/he was only ten. I just wanted to point out that some people are more mature than others and I would like to ask that everyone on these boards treat everyone the same regardless of their age. Thank you, Dark Angel

sick of people
Posted by Kate on Sat Jul 1 16:24:31 2000 (#266)

I am so sick of everyone. Last night was the worst night. We were at the Poison concert and Bret Michaels was supposed to come out to meet us because we are in his fan club. He never came out. We waited until one o'clock in the morning. For some reason I was so angry. My sister was like why are you so angry. It was because I couldn't cut I tried but my sister was around just in case. On top of all that my boss is a bitch and I saw the guy who dicked me over months ago, last night with some slutty girl. Every guy I date leaves me because I am not slutty. I am never going to get a boyfriend, I am 22 and never had a serious one. I really wanted to kill myself yesterday, but I am holding on for my family.

Re: sick of people
Posted by diane on Sat Jul 1 16:35:48 2000 (#268)

i am glad you are hanging on for you r family...later you will hang on for yourself. I just came out of weeks of serious suicidal intentions. I am now planning to stick with the pain for my sons and husband....NOT THE REST OF MY FAMILY THOUGH. I am trying a new therapy and will stick it out.

Re: sick of people
Posted by Kathrine J on Sat Jul 1 21:16:59 2000 (#273)

This all makes me feel so so sad.Why is there so much pain and emotional turmoil in peoples lives.It is true that the sensitive souls are always crushed by stronger and harsher ones.This world is just to cruel for someone like me or indeed people like us.i don't want to cut, thank God but I just feel so sad in my heart.It's just not fair.

'Truth is Beauty' 'Beauty is Truth'

John Keats

Kathrine J xxxxx

im just wondering...
Posted by Joe on Sat Jul 1 23:22:16 2000 (#276)

im just wondering... how many people here cut pictures into themselves like me? things like words, or devil stars are my fave. sorry if this sounds sick, but im just wondering Joe

ps, if you think i shouldnt have asked this, please say so

Re: im just wondering...
Posted by Lost on Sun Jul 2 22:19:48 2000 (#305)

I do. I carve names, words, symbols stuff like that. I figure if I'm going to cut and have scars for the rest of my life, it might as well be something I want to look at. I have straight scars all over my arms and I hate them. Not that I *like* any of my scars, but the straight lines are less pleasant to look at... for me anyways.

If this stuff doesnt make sense or if I'm not making much sense or whatever don't mind me. I took a lot of pills and I feel wierd. (no i'm not trying to kill myself) But yeah, to answer your question... YES, I carve words and stuff.

Re: im just wondering...
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 23:45:19 2000 (#307)

thanks.

Re: im just wondering...
Posted by Linda on Mon Jul 3 04:55:52 2000 (#314)

(((((((((((((Lost)))))))))))) I'm so glad to see that you are still around.

Re: im just wondering...
Posted by Christine on Sat Jul 29 23:05:11 2000 (#446)

I carve words and symbols mostly initials .I'm going to have the marks for the rest of my life I should remember why I did and who I was mad at when I did it.

Re: im just wondering...
Posted by Alicia on Sun Aug 27 09:26:55 2000 (#560)

i have this thing about safter pins. I love them. They can entertain me for hours. I don't carve things into my skin wen i am depressed, i do it out of bordeom and fun. Is this bad??

dr....angry
Posted by gianna on Sun Jul 2 02:48:54 2000 (#278)

Hi everyone, Gianna here. how is everyone doing...I hope safe and fine. Well, I had a doc appt. on the 28th and it went really bad. It was ok up until she saw the cuts on my hips. I had to become creative with my cutting since the weather became warm...and i am wearing short sleeves. Well Dr. G is a good dr, she just made this stupid remark that hurt my feelings ..."You're still doing that?" well what dooes she expect it isn't going to go away over night.I am really mad at he because I feel as iif sshe iiis withholding her caring responses from me. She use to give me a hug before i left aannd noow shhe doesn't give thheem to me anymore...noot since I began to cut on a regular basis.Well I just wanted to touch base with ya all, stay safe and write tto mme I love ttto hear from ya all. Gianna

Re: dr....angry
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 12:16:54 2000 (#280)

hiya, glad to here your doing well. have you tried telling your doc what you feel about her? they are supposed to be trained and should understand if you want to change or something. if she flips, or starts hurting you, then i would change. N.B iv noticed that quite alot of people, myself included, say change doctors. but how easy is it? for those who aint sure, like me, check back soon, because im going on an expedition. im going to go to my councillors and see how i could change to a different one. im also going to goto my gp, and ask the same question. then im going to goto the reception desk at the local medical center and see how they would do it. but, it can be quite hard changing doctors, because it might mean that you have to tell them the same story again, and if you dont like talking, also like me, then it could end up being just as hard. sooooooooooo, ill post the results on tuesday at the latest.

Re: dr....angry
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 12:17:05 2000 (#281)

hiya, glad to here your doing well. have you tried telling your doc what you feel about her? they are supposed to be trained and should understand if you want to change or something. if she flips, or starts hurting you, then i would change. N.B iv noticed that quite alot of people, myself included, say change doctors. but how easy is it? for those who aint sure, like me, check back soon, because im going on an expedition. im going to go to my councillors and see how i could change to a different one. im also going to goto my gp, and ask the same question. then im going to goto the reception desk at the local medical center and see how they would do it. but, it can be quite hard changing doctors, because it might mean that you have to tell them the same story again, and if you dont like talking, also like me, then it could end up being just as hard. sooooooooooo, ill post the results on tuesday at the latest. Joe

Re: dr....angry
Posted by diane on Sun Jul 2 12:38:12 2000 (#283)

My doc is blind, Ans i have to tell doc about mine. I tell the truth since I really do want to get better, but I hate that part. I didnt know you could get hugs or back pats or thing like that...I thought any contact was forbidden. My therpait knows how much I need support like that, but has always kept a distance. I really wish I could get hugs. But mine uses tough love and wouldnt hug me either as an extention of "first stop ciutting, then we will see about other things you might need". I may get enough nerve to ask for a hug it i find any more of you get them as well. I need hugs so bad.

Re: dr....angry
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 12:47:25 2000 (#285)

diane, dont be afraid to ask for one. it probably is forbidden to have physical contact, but i think that is only if you dont want it. if you ask for it, then they can hug you, if you agree to it, i dont thnik they can. it has to be your idea with no influence

good luck.

Joe

Re: dr....angry
Posted by gianna on Mon Jul 3 01:17:32 2000 (#310)

Hi diane, Gianna here. Well my family doctor has always given me hugs...not my therapis. I am ot sure about contact being forbidden but it is worth a try. I do like my family dr, I am just really angry at her cus it seems she refuses to become enformed about the situation. I need for her to understand that this is not going to end any time, but she has said to me that she doesn't want to know about any cutting. I she doesn't want to know about the cuts which are a part of me at the moment, then she does real wnt to know who I am and how I feel and that makes me feel reject and angry. Well I have cut many time since I saw her o the 28th, on my ankle under the breast and on my hips and ab's. I just can't handle this lonliness anymore. Please write me , Gianna

just like suicide
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jul 2 02:56:18 2000 (#279)

I'm losing it, I'm slipping farther and farther deeper and deeper. I can't hold on, nothing to hold on to. I need something, I'm missing something. I'm desparate, I'm desolate. I wish I could fly, fly fly fly fly fly fly fly. Can I , could I, will I, Idon't know, I could try. I don't want to be here any more. I walked past a mirror today and I was suprised to see that I had a reflection. It shouldn't have been there. Am I losing it? I'm losing it. I need, I need , I need. That's all I am just one big need. So selfish and petty. Can't stop, I wish I could stop, but I can't stop. It just keeps building and building and building. What am I doing??? What the hell am I doing????? I had no idea it was going to end in such tragedy.

Re: just like suicide
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 12:26:59 2000 (#282)

whatever makes you think that your petty and selfish? you have contributed loads to this board, which helps others. and you are not petty, no-one here is petty. everyone is different. remember that. it is ok to need. if people dont give you what you need, then they cant expect you to be happy. EVERYBODY needs love and attention. whatever happens, remember that everybody is a need. no0one is a bigger need than anyone else. you may think you are, but i know that everybody needs, its just that maybe( for whatever reason ) they werent given enough of what they need. it may sound a bit cryptic. sorry about that. i reckon everbody who you have replied to ( and therefore helped ) agrees with me. if you ever want to talk, my address is joe@emailworx.com. everybody is allowed to need.

Joe

2 DAYS!!!
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jul 2 20:51:38 2000 (#297)

So did anybody not make it past the 2 day mark?

If so tell us what happened or talk to someone.

SO FAR SO GOOD! I have to admitt though I did resort to tugging at my hair a bit but never the less, I made it without cutting and hope you all have too.

Well done if you've made it this far, but remember it's a heck of a road ahead!

Re: 2 DAYS!!!
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 21:08:15 2000 (#299)

i didnt make it past the first day. sorry. i just couldnt not cut.

Re: 2 DAYS!!!
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jul 2 21:53:48 2000 (#302)

Joe you can't give up on us you were so keen, what happened? Did something happen, you can always talk to me.

Anyway you have one day, you can make that two tomorrow hey?

Re: 2 DAYS!!!
Posted by kate on Tue Jul 4 18:42:05 2000 (#328)

I have made it two days but that is because I have been home sick. I haven't gotten out of the house and been around people. The real test is not cutting when something is bothering me that is what I have trouble with. It is like when alcoholics have to have a drink when they have a bad day.

.
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 21:49:14 2000 (#300)

i used to cut myself with glass i found in the street. the other week i found one of those big razor blades. when im on my own, i press it against my neck. i have to concentrate real hard otherwise i know ill just hack at my throat untill i cant breath anymore. its the second worst way of dying i can think of, yet i cant stop thinking about it. i dunno what to do, if i tell anyone like my mum or gp, theyll flip. i dont know what to do. if i kill myself, it would be unfair on my mum. if i dont, its unfair on me. the only think i want now is death. this would only be my fourth suicide attempt this year. yet this time, i cant fail. once its done, its done. no way it can go wrong

Re: Joe
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jul 2 22:01:15 2000 (#303)

Please please, think about what your doing, not just about your family but to yourself, your beating yourself up driving yourself to it I once did this to. Talk to me tell me why? Surely your folks will understand if you've tryed before. Write to me and tell me what's up I don't understand you were full of such enthusiasm before.

Please talk to me. I know you can sort this out. Do you see anybody a psychiatrist or councellor, if not then please do.

And if you get the chance please ring childline: 0800 1111, I know they can help you.

Please stay safe, Gemma

Re: Joe
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 2 22:04:37 2000 (#304)

i have 3 councillors. i dont wanna speek to any of them. my dad wouldnt understand, as far as hes concerned, im fine. if i told my mum, shed just freak. besides, my mum is to stressed because of me already. thanks for caring.

Re: Joe
Posted by Gemma on Sun Jul 2 23:13:14 2000 (#306)

Have you told the councellors how you feel recently? Because if you're in England it's their legal obligation to act upon what you say and inform your parents, they should take you very seriously and help you talk to your parents about it.

What has made you feel so bad? You can talk to me if you'd like that.

But don't give up, your doing so well.

Speak to you soon, Gemma

Re: Joe
Posted by Joe on Mon Jul 3 00:09:28 2000 (#308)

There is nothing wrong with my councillors. one of them is my school councillor, another is the leader of "the young carers project" and the last one is someone who my mum speaks to a lot, and is ok. NB: i didnt mean any of that offensivly.

the leader of the young carers thing, used to SI how many people think i should get her to come on here and talk?

Re: Joe
Posted by Reyna on Mon Jul 3 01:35:35 2000 (#311)

Joe Remeber me I think It would be great if you got her on here. That's good that you haven't succeeded, siucide is a perment solution to a temperily sutuiaton. It's true that I do want to committ sucide, but i am strong and so are you. Reyna

Re: Joe
Posted by Gemma on Mon Jul 3 01:48:15 2000 (#312)

ok hey, i'm just trying to make sure a great person ain't about to go kill himself.

I it's a really good idea, but warm him/her first that it'll be tough caus' there are so many people here with so many problems.

please tell me your not thinking about suicide anymore?

Re: Joe
Posted by Joe on Mon Jul 3 22:40:55 2000 (#321)

i cant get the person to come on here, they dont have a computer. sorry for getting anybodys hopes up i am still thinking about suicide. it is the only thing i think about. i cant stop cutting. iv tried, and it just makes me so much worse. i dont think i am going to post many more messages. i just seem to get peoples hopes up and then let them down. either that or just repeat the obvious.

Re: Joe
Posted by Gemma on Tue Jul 4 14:17:36 2000 (#327)

It dosn't matter about the person, we care about you right now, you still don't say why you are feeling so bad, if it has anything to do with not thinking you can help people well your wronge, you have helped a lot of people here including me. You havn't let anyone down it was just an idea. And as for stating the obious somtimes that's what needs to be said. People usually feel better just knowing someone cares and is trying to understand them, as i hope you do. I hope you come back to the board ofr if it's too painful then e-mail me. But if not,

Fair well, Gemma

Re: Joe
Posted by Joe on Tue Jul 4 19:47:10 2000 (#330)

why should anyone care? what did i ever do for them? nobody should worry themself with me. im just a lost cause. theres no point in anyone else getting upset over me. ( as if they would )

Joe

Re: Joe
Posted by Dark Angel on Thu Aug 31 21:38:27 2000 (#645)

Face it Joe. We're all lost causes.There's one reason why we don't all decide to give up and die. It's because there's safety in numbers. (I think) The reason we all don't die is because we have each other. Please don't leave. I know it would hurt me and many others.

I saw him today
Posted by reyna on Mon Jul 3 01:12:11 2000 (#309)

Sorry bit i haven't be here lately. But i got time, well today I saw the man who malested me, he is myuncle and he came over to my house today, he walked on to my room and tryed to talk to me, i was so scared and i started to shake, I told him to get out and I started to cry, it brought back flash backs. i was just going to get my razor whemn my friend walked in, i was relived, she wanted me to go with her, but i still wanted to cut, but I didn't it has been 2 days, since the last cut.

Re: I saw him today
Posted by Gemma on Mon Jul 3 01:55:11 2000 (#313)

I just want to say a big WELL DONE!

It takes courage to face up to a situation like that and telling him to get out tells me your a very brave person.

One question did you ever tell your parents about him or anyone else?

If not it might be worth considering, you don't want him making you upsett every time he's around.

2 Days is great aswell, caus' you just faced a tough situation. I know your friend might have helped stop you but try and feel really good and proud that you didn't, and that you did not let him drive you to it.

Oh so alone
Posted by Steph on Mon Jul 3 14:29:24 2000 (#315)

Hi there, I am a new kid on the block. This is the first time that I have ever looked for help. I am so lost and so confused. I have been self harming now for over a year. I have been told that if I continue they are going to kick me out of college. Now I have just got more and more expert at hiding the cuts. No one can see them now because I always do them under clothes that I am wearing and so that when I am in a swim suit it can't be seen. I am very lost and very confused. I am so on my own I don't know what to do. I just wish that some one or something could be done to change the way in which I am feeling. Oh, sigh, can anyone offer any sort of help?

Re: Oh so alone
Posted by Kate on Mon Jul 3 16:33:17 2000 (#316)

Hi, I think I just wrote you on the suicide board. But I was kicked out of college dorms for attempting suicide and cutting. I thought they were wrong. But I was better off at home. I know how you are feeling. Things will get better, they always do. Try to hold on to something. Email me or post a response.

Re: Oh so alone
Posted by Linda on Mon Jul 3 17:12:09 2000 (#317)

Steph...please write to me. I would love to help.

Re: Oh so alone
Posted by Gemma on Mon Jul 3 18:24:26 2000 (#318)

I also was kicked out of dorms for cutting, it didn't work for me personally, caus' I tend to cut at home more, but if school has played a part in stressing you out then, maybe it's for the best. You say your dealing with this on your own why not try and seek councelling, either at school or through your doctor they to can help you as well as talking to us about anything whenever. You can e-mail me to if you like.

ANOUNCEMENT!!!
Posted by LOST on Mon Jul 3 19:18:42 2000 (#319)

Hey you guys... I was watching tv right now and there was this commercial thing and it said that tommorow July 4th on Sally Jessie Raphael (the talk show) they're having this whole show on people who self injure. Its either at 9 or 10 in the morning. I don't know... it might give advice or something or maybe help a little. Well, I just thought I'd let you know incase anyone wants to watch it.

Re: ANOUNCEMENT!!!
Posted by Kate on Mon Jul 3 19:31:02 2000 (#320)

Thanks, I would never had known that.

It started as a game
Posted by Jessica on Tue Jul 4 00:06:00 2000 (#322)

I can't stop cutting! It started just as a way of release, but it turned into an obsession. I would cut just to smooth over a fight with my friends, but it got to the point that I wanted more out of it. I'm scared! I didn't want this to happen, I just wanted to feel better. I have cuts everywhere. I can't sit without at least picking at them. I'm tired of lying to my friends and family, I want to tell someone, but I can't. No one knows except for me and anyone who reads this, please help me!

Re: It started as a game
Posted by Steph on Tue Jul 4 12:01:40 2000 (#324)

Hi there Jessica, I don't know about anyone else that posts here but, I think I unnderstand. My cutting didn't start as a game, but it was a way of release. I am not sure whether you have anyone that you really get on with but perhaps they could help you, or have you throught about seeing a counseller? I have a counseller and I have spoken to her about it in the past. Sometimes just telling someone that you have got to that stage helps. I don't really know what to say. At the momennt I am not cutting as much as I was. It can get you into trouble with other people because they don't know how to cope with what you are telling them it is totally strannge to them they don't know where to turn. I don't knnow whether this has helped but I hope so. Please mail soon. Take care. Steph

Re: It started as a game
Posted by Jessica on Wed Jul 5 01:34:20 2000 (#334)

It was not like a game but, i have like a perfect life, big house, nice family, it was unexpected. I just did it cuz i got mad one time, and from then on it inclined into a rage of cutting. I want to tell my parents but i'm scared what they will think or say or do. I'm just scared. Thanks for listening.

I want it all to end, so bad....
Posted by Sara on Tue Jul 4 04:54:02 2000 (#323)

The MINUTE I started thinking my bulimia was in remission, it seems like, it all came back to me, as bad as ever, and here I sit realizing how unhappy I really am. TRUE, INGRAINED, DEEP unhappiness. I don't know, after seeing it, if I can take it or not. I want to cut badly, not my arm but my wrist.....I want to watch the world from Heaven, instead of from this shell. I cheated on my boyfriend this weekend, the person who I THOUGHT was my only link to happiness. But I let the other guy kiss me......and I liked it......and now I don't know if I really AM happy with my boyfriend...I dont' know what to do. I feel like a rug has been pulled out from underneath me, as I stand in a circle of people I know, and I need to choose WHICH person to grab to keep from falling, WHICH person will be able to make me happy again. I just feel so alone.

Re: I want it all to end, so bad....
Posted by steph on Tue Jul 4 12:08:06 2000 (#325)

Hi sorry that you are feeling so bad. I am a bit unsure what to say. Other than I am thinking of you!

Re: I want it all to end, so bad....
Posted by Gemma on Tue Jul 4 14:12:38 2000 (#326)

Sara please don't even contimplate suicide, especially if you believe in heaven and hell, because if yu kill yourself it means you would go to hell. Nothing can be as bab as that in this life and i know you will overcome these problems because we are all here to support you in any way we can. My close friend is bulimic and so i can understand how hard this must be, but remember that people do care.

Expedition thingy
Posted by Joe on Tue Jul 4 19:44:14 2000 (#329)

the other day i asked how easy is it to change your doc/councillor? well, if your changing GP's, then dont do it through them. goto the front reception desk and they will do it for you. but you have to have a parent/gaurdian. if you dont want to get parents involved, just say you want to see a different doctor to the receptionist, and in most places they will let you see any other available doctor. if you want to change councillors, you have to know were they work for. if you dont, then ask them for a business card, or if they could possibly write down your next appointment for you. once you have the name of the company, phone/visit them and tell them what you think is wrong with your councillor ( optional ) and/or tell them you want a new one. you can specify if you want them to be male/female etc.

hope this has been of some help. Joe

a fwe changes to the above
Posted by Joe on Thu Jul 6 23:13:54 2000 (#344)

when i said "but you have to have a parent/gaurdian" i meant you have to have a parent/gaurdian do it for you.

My thoughts
Posted by Joe on Tue Jul 4 20:45:36 2000 (#331)

seeing as a few people have asked what mkaes me so unhappy, i thouhgt i may aswell say.

whenever i try in school and do really well, theres always someone better than me. whenever i vut, theres always someone who does it more than me. theres always someone who can explain things better. everybody is better than me at something. usually everything. i HAVE to be better than everyone else, but im not. the reason i started cutting, was so i could get attention. how stupid is that? i could alway just ask, but then that person would hate me even more. they would just think how helpless and stupid i am. whenever someone meets me, they cant get out of the way quick enough, unless its to beat me up. i have stupid thoughts, that im psyhcic and shit. like i can read peoples minds. i know its shit. i know its just random luck. sometimes i think i can see myself from another view, as though im being followed, but i only do that when i think about it, so it cant be right. im not good enough to do anything. im too lazy to get fit. im just a waste of space, and some people dont realise it. then i spend ages crying my eyes out over some stupid little thing. at a party which i had to goto, i cut my arm so deep that blood just sprayed everywere, just because some girl asked me to dance and i knew it was all a joke just to make me look stupid. anyone i meet, i know they dont like me. but some people are nice about it, and just make excuses. i know i tend to bully some people in school. the next day i end up standing up for them and feeling stupid when people look at me blankly. im just fucked up. and whats more, im not. theres nothing wrong with me. im just attention seeking really. i make it all up in my pathetic mind just to get a few minutes of attention. if i ever get attention, i pretend i dont want it. people get confused, and just decide to stay away from me. im always thinking how nice it would be to break a limb, just so people would feel sorry for me. then i realise, that nobody would care. im a failure. iv failed suicide 3 times, thats more important than the actual attempt. i am too weak to do it properly. i never allow myself to make friends, i just argue with them. i cant even keep a promise i make to myself. i waste money, and then hit myself over and over again for being stupid. my mum is ashamed of me. i know she is. she has to be. otherwise, i am just a "normal" person. there are a few other things, but i cant tell people, there just so stupid. i just dont know what more to say. all these "problems" are little. they shouldnt make me unhappy, but they do because im a wimp. i could go on for hours about my little problems. because of all of that, i think about suicide more than any other thing. yet i know, if there is any sort of afterlife, im stuffed - id either goto hell if it exists ( for the mortal sin of suicide ) or id spend eternity worrying about how much shame i caused my mum, or similar things like that. there is no point people worrying about me, there is nothing to worry about. im just a sad boy with no life.

Re: My thoughts
Posted by Linda on Tue Jul 4 21:51:19 2000 (#332)

Joe, I just want to correct one thing. You said "if there is a hell"....well, by faith, I believe there is, but, the sin of suicide, and I do believe it would be sin, is not enough to send you there. You see, we only go to hell because we refuse to accept the free gift Jesus has given when He died on the cross to pay for our sins. When we accept that gift then NOTHING can take it away from us. It does not depend on our goodness. It depends on the perfection of the sacrifice that was made for our sins and Jesus was perfect! Otherwise, He would have to die for each and every sin. Now I know this will be challenging to some and that is not my intention but I do feel it necessary to at least make you all aware that there are other thoughts on the topic. When that gift of salvation is accepted, it does not mean that we are automatically sinless, nor does it mean that we will never sin again. It simply means that we then have the Holy Spirit within us to help us with the everyday struggle with sin and the assurance that our soul is safe from eternal punishment. Why did He do it??? I don't know.....God's love is unfathomable! Linda

Re: My thoughts
Posted by Joe on Tue Jul 4 21:57:22 2000 (#333)

im sorry, i am finding it very hard to come to terms with religion. i am not sure what to believe in, but i have my own private view. but, as you say, its just another thing i got wrong. sorry if anyone got the wrong impression.

Re: My thoughts
Posted by Joe on Wed Jul 5 21:18:01 2000 (#338)

in case anyone cares, i threw my razor blade out my window into my gutter. that was hard. but , everyday when i goto school and come home, i walk past loads of shattered glass. i also broke my knuckle today, i got over stressed in school and punched a wall 4 times. i heard it break the first time, but i kept punching it. sorry if anyone is getting bored.

Re: My thoughts
Posted by Gemma on Wed Jul 5 23:26:36 2000 (#340)

I'm so sorry your feeling so bad, you seem really depressed, what's happened what upsett you, at least tell me you don't want to talk about it if something did. Did you go to the doctor or ER about your knuckle? If so what did they say? If not I'd see your doc.

Anyway I don't think you boring, and your very intelligent, your a kind person and until you realise it i'm gonna keep telling you!

Re: My thoughts
Posted by Joe on Thu Jul 6 20:50:52 2000 (#343)

no i didnt goto the doctor about my knuckles, whats the point? they will only say dpnt over use it, take some pain killers

thats waht they always say. one of the reasons im unhappy - i dont feel real. thats it.

why do you think im a great person? and dont answer this, coz otherwise ill just be getting undue attention - the only thing i seem to want.

can't stop
Posted by Kate on Wed Jul 5 19:06:41 2000 (#335)

I am having trouble not cutting when something bad happens or someone sets me off. I can go a few days without cutting but something always upsets me and I cut. I can't stop hurting myself when i am hurt emotionally. Does anyone have this problem or know something that can help me?

Re: can't stop
Posted by Kathrine J on Wed Jul 5 20:29:10 2000 (#336)

No Kate, you are not the only one who feels that way.Every time I feel I'm not getting my point across to somebody or I think someone is thinking certain things or laughing at me I want to cut.I've done it many times in the past.I cut last time( about a week ago) cause I couldn't stand my brother joking about sex in a filthy way.It get me down.I tried to explain the way people use it and prostitute themselves cause of society but he just thinks it's the be all and end all of life.Well, I don't but he won't except my point of view. he just makes fun of me and makes me feel bad in myself.I feel ridiculed cause I've never had a boyfriend.Sex isn't a big deal fo rme but I feel so much pressure from the t'v, adverts and the conversations in my house.It makes me want to rip my f***ing body to shreds.It's a hangup I know.It just annoys me so much that all people seem to think about is sex when there is so much going on in the world.I think inside I'm subhconciously cutting so no man will ever want to touch me.I don't ever want to be touched.what's wrong with that? Please someone tell me they feel the same way and that i'm not a freak or frigid like my brother says I am.

Re: can't stop
Posted by Joe on Wed Jul 5 21:13:54 2000 (#337)

katherine j, there should be no such word as frigid. i hate it. people dont have to do something they dont want to, and if you dont feel up to it, then you dont have to. iv never had a real girlfriend, iv had 2 but they were both dared to go out with me by their sad mates. i just end up getting hurt by it all. as far as im concerned, i am never going to get another g/f, and i dont want one anymore. no-one is a freak because they dont want a bf/gf. everyones different. dont let yourself get pressurized into it. i know it sounds easy, but it is bound not to be. i hope it goes ok.

Joe

Re: can't stop
Posted by K. on Thu Jul 6 04:48:07 2000 (#341)

I know what you mean...In the past several months, I've cut more frequently and deeper than ever before because I've been dating someone. Most of the time when he touches me I just want to rip all of my skin off. And I can't explain that, it would sound awful. I like him, sometimes, and he is too nice and I couldn't hurt him by telling him... but my mind just starts flashing at me, please don't touch me, don't care about me, don't think about me... and I can't calm down until I've cut. I don't understand it either, but I am the same way.

Re: can't stop
Posted by Joe on Thu Jul 6 19:57:25 2000 (#342)

sometimes, i get really claustrophobic. i cant stand being near anyone. if anyone touches me, i usually draw back - even if its one of my "mates" play punching me.

the more it happens, the more you will get used to it, i hope. some poeple say you have to learn to like it - ??? i think maybe it is possible, to learn, but its going to take along time. im afraid thats all i can say coz i dont know anythig else. i hope it goes ok. good luck if you believe in luck, the stars are shining on you if you believe in fate, may your god/s be with you if your religious, if none of the above, gimme a hug :)

Joe

Re: can't stop
Posted by blue rose on Fri Jul 7 01:18:19 2000 (#345)

I understand and I feel the same as you do. Do you know why you feel this way? I know all the psychological bullshit behind how you're feeling because I read about it when I was curious about my own feelings. I don't want to hurt you by telling you something you don't want to hear because I care about you and it hurt me when I read it, but if you're as curious as I was, then I'll tell you.

I just want you to know that you're not alone

Re: can't stop
Posted by Kathrine J on Fri Jul 7 17:11:57 2000 (#346)

Blue Rose, I won't be offended or anything no matter what you tell me. So, please I'd like to hear what you have to say on how I feel.I don't feel that way all the time of course but In my darker moments I feel so alone like noone can see the way this world has sold itself so much.I don't really undrstand why I feel the way I do about sex, I have never been abused or anything like that, thank God.My parents have been married for 33 years.My brother and sister are both happily married too.My family are very open about sex which is good but I feel like I was abused mentally by them cause I knew things I shouldn't have when I was like 7 or 8 years old.I think I was too sensitive to take in such adult content, I feel like my innocence was ripped out of me. Even though I am innocent in a sexual sense( you undrestand what i'm saying) and have no experience, I feel unclean somehow.It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this bad about everything though.everything seems so selfish and tacky in this world. sorry I don't want to depress you all but that's how I feel. Be strong kathrine J xxxxx

Re: can't stop
Posted by blood on Tue Jul 11 19:20:39 2000 (#365)

I have the same problem. I cut and cut until my arm is cut all to pieces. I usually end up in the E.R. where I have to have stitches. Then I usually end up in a psych-ward. About you getting help try the local hospital.

goodbye
Posted by Joe on Sat Jul 8 00:46:04 2000 (#347)

it has been suggested to me that im just being stupid and selfish. now that iv thought about it, im probably right. i cant explain my real problems on here, but there is no point me having an opinion and hurting someone else with it. so, there is also no point me staying here. coz if i stay here, i want to help people, but i just end up hurting them and feeling sorry for myself. bye sorry

Re: goodbye
Posted by Lost on Sat Jul 8 01:22:33 2000 (#348)

Well, if you're putting the blame on me for saying that you're "stupid and selfish" then you should read the e-mail again because that is NOT at all what I suggested. and even if you don't like what I had to say it doesn't mean that you shouldn't continue talking to the other people here. Don't give up on helping people just because of what you think I said. Thats not fair to them or yourself. Maybe they can help you and vise versa. It's not my business... so i'll no longer intrude in your life.

Re: goodbye
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 9 20:58:30 2000 (#353)

hey, when did i say it was you? lots of people have told me i am stupid and selfish. i am not helping anyone on here. no-one needs my help. there is much better help here for them, and nobody wants my help. dont stop talking to me. i never blamed you. and ( i am not trying to be nasty ) just because i have never been abused or raped or any other major trauma, doesnt mean im not allowed to be depressed does it? im sorry if i feel suicidal, i dont want to. im not blaming you. there is nothing to blame you for. sorry.

Re: goodbye
Posted by Lost on Sun Jul 9 21:56:00 2000 (#355)

I looked at my own e-mail that I sent you. You made it seem like I said you have no right to feel the way you do. I said that I don't understand why you feel the way you do... and to let you know again... here is exactly what i said so it can't be misunderstood.

I've read all of your postings and the e-mails that you've sent me... and joe, you don't seem like you have any family problems (you said so yourself) and you weren't abused. There havent been any major psychological traumas in your life (from what you've said) so I don't understand the problem.

That is EXACTLY what I said. I of all people can not judge you... and who the hell am i to tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way? I have only been trying to tell you bluntly how I see things. It may not be the truth... and you may not like what I have to say... but I feel that beating around the bush is pointless... and you said so yourself that you do things for attention joe... so I don't want to nurse your need for attention because that will only make you be more dependent on it. That is why what I say may sound mean and like I'm being a bitch... but its not like that at all. I'm just trying to give you a different point of view maybe to ponder a while. I don't know. You don't have to talk to me anymore or whatever, I'm probably making you worse... but like i said before, I'm only trying to help.

Re: goodbye
Posted by Joe on Tue Jul 18 23:36:45 2000 (#402)

im back. iv been away for a likkle while, the last time i saw this board there were about 350 messages or something.

im sorry, i didnt want to make it like you were a bitch or anything. i never said anything about you. i said lots of people have told me what a load of crap i make up. and its TRUE. im sorry, really i am. if i say any more ill make myself look stupid. sorry.

lodt and lonely
Posted by gianna on Sat Jul 8 01:48:50 2000 (#349)

Hi eeryone, just a quickie to let you know that I am still around. I have been going thru a difficult time these past few wks, and I have cut again and it seems to be getting worse. I am at a loss at what to do. I came across a hosp. that deals with self injury and am seriously thinking about going to Illinois at Rock Creek to get help since no one understand anything about si where I live. I have talked with 2 nurses there ....they have a 1800 number and they both were very nice and want me to come, they said they would like it if they could help me. They seemed to undrestand more than anyone I have come across. I really do need for ya all to write me I need to hear from youall real bad ...I am having a hard time expressing my self my real feelings so please don't think I don't care about you all, I do you have been my saving grace these past 2 months and I really do care I don't have a computer at home so it is real hard for me to write to everyone as much I want to on all the boards that I am on plus those that emai me

Re: lodt and lonely
Posted by Joe on Sun Jul 9 21:02:01 2000 (#354)

you can always talk to me for whatever reason. i cant promise that ill be any help, i never am, but if you really need to talk, im here. or rather there ->>>joe@emailworx.com

Re: lodt and lonely
Posted by gianna on Thu Jul 13 02:28:10 2000 (#372)

hi joe it's gianna. i am going in the hospital next wk. here is the address if you want to write me. RockCreek Center

Nathniel Lodge

40 Timberline

Lemont,Illinois 60439

Atten: Christine Sottoriva Address the letter Christine but still call me Gianna.hope to hear from ya, Gianna

last resort
Posted by blue rose on Sat Jul 8 08:16:34 2000 (#350)

It's been two weeks and five days. No injuries have I inflicted upon myself. I feel so weak and vulnerable right now. I don't know if, after I log off and wash my face and brush my teeth, when I'm getting into my pajamas, if I'll retreat to my jewlery box and get out my X-acto knife and start slicing away.

I'm very afraid.

Re: last resort
Posted by Kathrine J on Sat Jul 8 18:29:50 2000 (#351)

Blue Rose, please don't cut, you've come so far and done so well.You should be so proud of yourself, i am I think you are wonderful for being so strong.I hope these words will give you some support and comfort. Stay Strong Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: last resort
Posted by gianna on Sat Jul 8 22:07:29 2000 (#352)

hey it's gianna, that is exactly what I do. I get ready for bed...the bathe and into the p.j.'s and then begin to cut. Well so far it has been 8 days since I last cut. I just saw my dermatologist, Karen today and she looked over the cuts on my thighes that are more like slashes and said that they look good and that they won't scar. They are a litte red at the moment, but that is because they are healing but the marks will go away. We discussed the hosp. in illinois that I may be going to that deals with self injury, she said to talk to the psychaitrist when I see her on the 18th and see what her opinion is ..She said she doesn't think that I am on the right medication, because I never cut myself beffore I was put on prozac, back in Sept. 99. Well, I have been keeping busy during the day, and calling the crisis lines in the evening. I even call the hosp. and tallked to one of the nurses who was very nice to me. She understood about si and didn't tell me that was an inapproirite coping method like alot of other people do. Well I hope you can refrain fron cutting, if you can't be as safe as you can when you do cut. Write me if you do need to talk...I don't have a computer i come to the library so just realise that it may take a while. I do come evry day and check.

gianna

Re: last resort
Posted by Kathrine J on Mon Jul 10 00:46:31 2000 (#356)

Gianna, I hope everything works out for you.This self injury hospital sounds really good.I really pray it will help you and stop you from cutting altogether.It's good that you're keeping busy and concentrating hard on not cutting yourself.I haven't cut for about three weeks now.I'm really glad you are off the Prozac, cause I think it's a killer.I was on Prozac for about a year and a half and it almost killed me.My depression became unbearable and I cut more and deeper than I ever had before.I was so close to committing suicide a few weeks ago.I think it's a dangerous drug and shouldn't be handed out the way it is as some miracle cure.Don't ever go back on it.I've been on new medication for two weeks now and i'm starting to feel calmer already.I'm thinking of you, keep us posted of what happens.If you do go to the hospital, leave and address on here.I would love to be able to write to you, keep in touch to see how you are doing, for support, you know.I wish you all the success and happiness in the world.As I do to everyone on here.You are all like my family and I hope everyone is doing ok at the moment. Be strong Luv Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: last resort
Posted by gianna on Mon Jul 10 01:34:25 2000 (#357)

Hey Katerine, Hi gianna here.I sure do hope this self injury hosp. works out too.That is great that you haven't cut for 3 weeks you should be proud of yourself. Speaking of Prozac, I am not off of it, I see dr on the 18th and hope she will re-evaluate it, cuz I don't like it ...I feel better when I am off of it...even though I seem to be more emotional, but that is better than cutting myself. If I go I definately will leave my address...cus I am going top need all the friends who will support me that I can. Life alone is pretty lonely. Well I have to go talk to you soon. Gianna

Re: last resort
Posted by Tiny on Mon Jul 17 02:59:24 2000 (#394)

I love that song, have you heard it? It kinda triggers me to cut but it rocks hard !! It's By Papa Roach, I love them !! If you ever feel alone this is the song to jam too, it's also a good cutting song. I have to cut with music on so that I won't think about my pain, music takes me to another place.

Re: last resort
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jul 17 19:07:55 2000 (#396)

I was wondering if someone was going to catch that.

Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation, no breathing don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding.

Would it be wrong would it be right If I took my life tonite chances are that I might mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide.

-Papa Roach

P.S. Music is my life.

Re: last resort
Posted by lost on Mon Jul 17 20:02:48 2000 (#397)

I caught that when i first read it... but i didn't know if thats what you intended it to mean. I love that song! It explains exactly how I feel.

Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding?

I never realized I was spread too thin. Till it was too late and I was empty within. Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin. Downward spiral, where do I begin?

It all started when I lost my mother. No love for myself and no love for another. Searching to find love upon a higher level. Finding nothing but questions and devils

Nothing’s all right. Nothing is fine. I’m running and I’m crying. I can’t go on living this way.

Thats not the order that it goes in... but I can relate to that song SOOOOOOOO much! I hate it how other people can put MY feelings into words. I wish I could do that. Well, I just thought I'd say that. anyways... bye

Re: last resort
Posted by Dark Angel on Thu Aug 31 21:59:31 2000 (#646)

I love that song, but last night I heard it and went crazy and cut myself. I didn't know so many people(SIers) knew about it. I was going to write about it. I don't know about reccomending it. It is kinda triggering. I bet the writer SIs.

blue rose
Posted by Yippee!! on Mon Jul 10 18:51:09 2000 (#358)

It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since I've injured myself in any way!! :) This is the longest I've gone in over a year. I am so very proud of myself. I wanted to thank you all. Everyone here, all the messages and responses and e-mails have helped me tremendously. I hope I can continue to do so well. Thank you all very much.

Re: Yippee!!
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jul 10 18:54:31 2000 (#359)

I got it mixed up. Oops.

Re: blue rose
Posted by Linda on Mon Jul 10 19:16:13 2000 (#360)

((((((((((((((((((Rose)))))))) ))))))))))))I'm so proud of you. Keep up the good work!!! Linda

Blue Rose
Posted by Kathrine J on Tue Jul 11 14:05:10 2000 (#361)

I'm very proud of you too,Well done.If we can help eachother like this then it shows what websites and message boards like this can do.Hope you are all ok. Be strong Kathrine J xxxxx

Dirty
Posted by Kate on Tue Jul 11 17:33:58 2000 (#362)

I have a weird problem, this doesn't really have to do with SI. Last night I fooled around with a guy friend of mine who I really like but I was kind of drunk. Now I feel like a slut. I feel so dirty. Is that normal? This SI illness makes me feel so paranoid.

Re: Dirty
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jul 11 18:56:46 2000 (#363)

I don't know if this will help any but the same situation has been happening to me. I don't have many friends that are girls, they're mostly guys, and lately I have fooled around with two of them (they're not friends)but the difference is that I don't feel guilty at all. I feel a little slutty but I don't feel too weird about it. Maybe, in some screwed up way, it's just another form of self-destruction, but maybe we just want to have fun. I'm glad you brought this up because I was too afraid to.

Re: Dirty
Posted by Kate on Wed Jul 12 03:51:50 2000 (#369)

I definetly feel like a slut. which is weird becuase I am a 22 year virgin that always have been afraid of being touched.

cutting
Posted by Blood on Tue Jul 11 19:02:23 2000 (#364)

I feel sometimes that people don't care if I cut or not. It seems like there is know hope in is world for me.I don't feel like I'am getting the help I need. My arm is so messed up that it is sick. I only cut, but I'am wanting to start burning myself, I think that would be neat. I need some kind of help. I mean, I just can't live out in the community know more.It is like a on going thing, I can not stop. I feel like I want to die, but my thing is cutting. I don't know if I'am even saying what I 'am really feeling, because I have a hard time writing how I feel. I can tell how I really feel by talking. My cutting is really a serious problem because it is getting worst and worser. I like to see all of the blood that comes out , I think it is so cool. Like this one time when I cut my arm the blood started to squirt up out of my arm like a water fountain, I was like wow, I thought it was real neat. I like to see my arms cut wide open. The bigger the gash the better.Like right now I want to go an do something erotic to myself.

Re: cutting
Posted by Gemma on Wed Jul 12 00:11:59 2000 (#367)

Try not to think there is no hope, as you said yourself you think you need help, find a councellor or speak to your family. Most of the people here cut your not alone I don't think your sick or anything. Try and think about what you really feel when you see blood, is it pleasure or relief? Do you cut because you need to or because you want to enjoy yourself. I think these are big differences as there are peole out there as your last coment who get an emense please from it, some go to the extremes like self amputation(don't get any ideas), but the like it. From what i've herd most people who are feeling unhappy about what they do or about their lives usually get relief from cutting and use it as a couping method. I am somtimes amazed when I slice open really wide my skin, and when blood rushes out, but then I want to be a medical person so the sight was more facinating, this after the inital pain that kinda nutralised the inner pain. Then I was shocked stunned at what I had done. After I was repused as the huge scar leaves a constant reminder and connection to that pain.

Hope you can relate to this, and good luck in finding a councellor or taking the courage to speak to someone near about this.

online SI support group
Posted by heather on Tue Jul 11 20:26:54 2000 (#366)

i have an omline group that meets to chat and emails daily. it is only for anyone affected by self injury. please email me and let me know if your interested. its always available. i am a recovering injurer.its been 2 years since my last episode.so, i understand.im also a survivor of chidhood abuses.

Hospitalisation...soon
Posted by gianna on Wed Jul 12 02:08:10 2000 (#368)

Hey Everyone, Gianna here...i accepted in to the rock creek hospital...in illionois. i want to go so bad ...i have been talking with a nurse when i am having problems and she is really nice and understand...and she is not judgemental at all. today, i found outthat my insurance will pay for my stay and eveerything i need ...i just have to wait for my parents to ok the facility. They want to see it and so do i...talk to the people and just mainly check it out. well i can't wait so i will talk to you later. i will give someone my address and they can post it on the board or5 you can email me and i can give it to whom ever personally. Gianna

Re: Hospitalisation...soon
Posted by Kathrine Jones on Thu Jul 13 00:53:29 2000 (#370)

Hi Gianna, It's great that you're making headway with this hospital stay.I'm sure it'll be a good place and will help you a lot.Keep us posted. I wish you all the luck in the world. Be strong Love Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: Hospitalisation...soon
Posted by gianna on Thu Jul 13 02:23:22 2000 (#371)

do you want my address where I will be at? The name of the hospital is Rockcreek Center. It is in Lemont Illnois. I hope thatyou all will write. I leave next wk some time. gianna

Re: Hospitalisation...soon
Posted by Kathrine Jones on Thu Jul 13 16:47:20 2000 (#373)

Gianna, Yes, I'd like the address of the hospital you're staying at.I live in Wales so You'll have to give me the full address.Or if they have the internet just leave the E-mail address and I can talk to you like that if you like.But, if it helps to write to you properly then that's okay, I don't mind at all.What's this place like then, have your parents checked it out.Are you nervous about going to stay there?Are you allowed visiters at all? Tell us all about it, yeah. Be strong Kathrine J xxxxx

Re: Hospitalisation...soon
Posted by gianna on Fri Jul 14 00:43:21 2000 (#374)

Hey Katherine, Hi it's Gianna...I leave on sunday the 16th of July at 8am in the morning. My monm and Dad have not visited the place but I have talked to a coulpe of nurses on the night shift. They completely understand that si is not a symptom of another illness that it is an illness alll in it's own right. The people there that I have talked to look at the reason I do it and not just the cuts. Well more about RockCreek...it use to be an old estate...Nathniel Brown and they turned it into a private hospital...to accomodate all kind if mental health issues. the ground are green and there is a creek that runs thru the yard from what I have been told. the Lodges in individual...one for si and suicide and another for drug /alcohol problems ,...each health issue has a separate lodge and a programme designed for that illness. Yes iam excited and afraid of going there...at least there will be one person that I have gotten to know that is Maureen the night charge nurse ...I talked to her last night and she said she is looking forward to meeting me. We have had many long talks on the phone and she has been my 'angel of mercy' this past 10 days. Last night I cut myself after a 10 break and I had to go to the emergency rm to have them look at my cuts. They were nice about the wholething and gave me someting to numb the area so I wouldn't feel the stitches.I told them about rock creek and they said it was a great place and was a excellent hospital and the people we very educated in this problem.Yes I am allowed visitours..but I don't think I will be getting any is it is out of state from where I live...in Cleveland,Ohio. I will pu the address on our email . Gianna

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