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Self Mutilation
Posted by Sonora on Wed Nov 24 07:16:01 1999 (#1)

I dont know if any one will read this but if someone does, I really need help, Please e-mail me, I mutilate myself and I cant stop, I dont know what to to, I just want to kill myself but I dont have the courage, Please help me some one, I need any one to give me advice!

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by silver on Thu Nov 25 22:43:09 1999 (#2)

try your best to stay safe and hang on in there. i'm here if u want to mail me at perfect_paradise@yahoo.com *huge huggles* remember u do have worth. i have to have people telling me so i'm telling u! take care and i'm here xxxx

teen sadness
Posted by me on Tue Dec 5 22:23:10 2000 (#1717)

I am 16 and I hurt myself, the thoughts never stop I can't feel anything but pain is anyone out there, I am hiding in sadness waiting for someone to drag me out of life school makes me angry I have lots of friends but no one understands the only way I feel better is to hurt myself my parents would kill me if they knew I can't tell anyone feel like dying might overdose on diet pills soon I want to die please is there someone out there to take these feelings away, they eat away at my soul causing me to cry all the time please help

Re: teen sadness
Posted by Nikki on Thu Jan 3 18:02:25 2002 (#13216)

There are people out there to help you. Your doing the right thing to ask for help. I also know that what your going through is hard to deal with and its scary for you. Stay strong and if you need to talk my email address is here for you.

Re: teen sadness
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 6 16:59:39 2000 (#1724)

me, please e-mail me at mariemobley@netscape.net I want to help you... For now just know that you're not alone and that almost everyone on this board hurts themself to feel better. I have so many scars from cutting myself that I've lost count... you are not alone, we all want to help

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by kiki on Fri Mar 3 22:50:26 2000 (#29)

hang in there:) Life has it's hard times, but God does not send out anything to anyone if he new they could not handle it. Try to be strong because life is a precious thing. You are special and people do care. If you need to talk email me. I will try my best to be eithor the best listener or speaker. God Bless You!!!!

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Shelly on Thu Dec 9 04:16:28 1999 (#3)

hi. i'm having a lot of trouble. i've been having some sort of depression for the past months, and it's really hard. no one knows about it. i'm really scared. I cut myself today and last night on purpose. so now i have 4 cuts al together (2 from the past). and every time i look down at my arm, it just makes me want to cry and injure myself more. please help. i'm up for any advice.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by michele on Fri Dec 28 15:32:25 2001 (#13110)

i have to say, i am a self injurer. ie cut myself itha drawing pin before, and i scratch my wrists and punch myself in the stomache because i think im too fat! i have pinched myself alot, but the worst habbit of all, is biting my hand, and wrists. ive done it sinc ei was young. its not like were freaks , its that we need help! i know this! i can relate.my close frineds know, and they are the most supportive things! my family doesnt know. 1/2 of the time, thats what causes me to do it! so does all mychoice of male selections. its like my security, i think i love any guy that even looks at me, or smiles at me. its been so bad ever since i was in yr 8. i met a real special guy, and ever since, i havent done it, but the thing that worries me, is when will i find outhe doesnt have feelings for me? email me if you can relate, bcs its a reality, pure and simple, ad it is EVERYWHERE you turn. u cant help it, and it isnt your fault. but you DO need to tell someone!

Self Mutilation
Posted by Cindi on Mon Jun 26 01:02:38 2000 (#206)

Hi....I just want to tell people that do cut themselves, you're not alone. I cut myself almost every day. I have been doing this for 6 years now and I don't find myself stopping anytime soon. I try to stay away from knives but I always seem to find another sharp thing to cut myself with. If there is nothing I can cut myself with I burn myself with my lighter. I smoke so they always seem to be around. It's hard for me to deal with problems and cutting seems to be the best way for me to do that. I want help or someone to talk to, I have only told a few people about my problem and everytime I do tell someone they distance themselves from me. I don't know what to do, I need help. Someone please email me and tell me ways i can cope with this. Cinnifyed@in.freei.net.

Thanks, Cindi

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by kelli on Mon Feb 28 16:22:37 2000 (#5)

hey,

if you know you're going through some type of depression and want to snap out of it, (which it sounds like you do) GO TO THE DOCTOR! This type of behavior will only get worse, and if you get help now, you may me able to stop it before it becomes a major problem. Remember, everybody has somebody who loves them and doesn't want to see them get hurt, so for your sake as well as theirs, talk out your depression with a doctor. :) kelli

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Katrina on Thu Sep 21 06:10:41 2000 (#755)

i am a normal teenager on my highschool's dance team, tennis team and involved in many other clubs and everyone thinks i am the "perfect" girl. (whatever that means)I feel totally numb inside. It as if all my nerve endings are cut of and nothing can spark emotion out of me. I feel like i am a brick wall and everything that happens to me is surreal and is in a different world. I cut deep slashes into my arms because it is a way for me to release my pent up pain. This is really sick, but in a way i look forward to times late at night when i know i will cut myself. It's something I have control over. Please write me back if you can relate to me. I never thought I would be doing anything like this.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Sammi Jo on Wed Apr 12 15:55:20 2000 (#53)

Don't do it to yourself it doesn't help you. I know how you feel sometimes.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by LIZ on Thu Dec 13 09:17:11 2001 (#12866)

I think we all have felt your pain that things are out of control. But, believe me there comes a time when things do get better! Deep down inside your not feeling it and I know that I wasn't, but it does! If you email me I will tell you how I survived being a cutter for three years and 7 mos. and I will tell you, that even now... the idea comes across daliy...but i can tell you what i do to cope. Good luck!

please help me
Posted by rachel on Mon Jul 31 22:16:50 2000 (#460)

i cant handle this ne more. whats the point in me sitting here reading bout how cutting doesnt help when i know very well when i leave this room ill go upstairs and begin cutting once again. i cant stop being depressed all the time, i dont know how else to handle it apart from cutting. what can i do to stop my depression?

Re: please help me
Posted by Tiffany on Sat Dec 29 06:36:36 2001 (#13128)

I have no idea what my problem is. I have the perfect life, i think, and I cut the shit out of myself. I've loss track of why I began cutting in the first place. I have no more tears, and as for anger, I've cut it out of me. I'm completely lost. Please help me understand what I have done to myself.

Hopefully Still Alive, Tiffany

Re: please help me
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 2 15:03:53 2000 (#463)

Rachel, Please write to me personally. I would love to try to offer some help if possible.

Re: please help me
Posted by melissa on Thu Aug 10 06:02:36 2000 (#478)

i need help. i wish someone could hear my thoughts, hear my crying out for help. i feel so cluttered with everyday life. so many bad memories fill my mind. i will never be happy. i long to die every second of everyday. but i can never follow through with this eternal method of letting go, letting go of so much pain and confusion. now i have reached the point that i feel i need to prove to myself that i will once and for all put an end to my misrible life. i do not want to be here anymore. i do not want to suffer. i do not want to cry anymore. i want to end my life. but still i wait hoping to find help. hoping that someday someone will hear my thoughts.

Re: please help me
Posted by alice on Mon Sep 4 08:19:40 2000 (#678)

please feel free to write id like to help my whole family suffers from depression

Help !!
Posted by cj on Wed Sep 20 18:56:20 2000 (#753)

major problem first time i 've ever said anything to anyone but i am in therapy and all but i don't wanna stop cutting it's all i have left after my life has been shattered by divorce of my parents being raped and abused by an ex boyfriend and i'm 14. help me please i don't kno wwhat to do and i am suicidal and can't stop cutting!

sigh
Posted by Laura on Mon Sep 25 12:28:26 2000 (#765)

I'm 23 and I have been cutting for 7 years now. I have the scars to prove it. My arms and my chest. All covered. I want to get better, but I know I never will. It helps. Perhaps if it hurt, I would not do it. But I don't see that happening, so I have pretty much given up all hope of ever getting better.

FEELMEANDJUSTLISTENANDUNDERSTANDFEELME!
Posted by RACHEL on Mon Oct 2 01:42:22 2000 (#789)

i HIT ME HEAD PUNCH OH IT FEELS SO GOOD. CUT CUT IM FEEL BETTER WARM BLOOD TRICKLE TOUCH FEEL MY PAIN IF YOU READ THIS I FEEL I KNOW YOU PEOPLE I FEEL CLOSE TO YOU I CUT SO DO YOU WE KNOW THE PAIN TOGATHER WE ALL FEEL WHAT THOSE REGULAR PEOPLE DONT THEY CANT FEEL OUR PAIN SO MANY TIMES I CRY FOR HELP NO ONE LISTENS. I LISTEN TO YOUR PEOMS AND I CRY FROM MY HEART I READ THE POEMS OF YOU AND FEEL LIKE YOU WROTE THEM FROM MY HEART I LOVE YOU PEOPLE I FEEL YOU I KNOE YOU.!!!!

Release through Pain
Posted by Bekka Mae on Mon Nov 27 07:06:48 2000 (#1569)

I am a self mutilator and have been for some time. I also feel the fear and pain that you feel...but I'm leaving this message for those that aren't or those that are and are having problems understanding it. We cut becuz we need the release and have found it the most effective way. We know that it's not accepted by society and therefore we try to hide it. If you fuckers would lay off of us we could better seek for the help that we so badly need. So if you aren't willing to offer us a hand....get the fuck out of our way so we can find some peace of mind or at least make a serious attempt at looking for it. Now...I would like to share a poem that I have written about my problem which is also a very personal and serious thought... Release Through Pain Flesh tearing under the blade Blood flowing as all emotions fade I cherish this moment, release through pain Analyze me now, tell me am I insane? You can't be stable in an unstable world Feed me pills and lock me away Strap me down, pull me under But I'm back with the Blade the very next day New scars forming where the old ones lay Razor in my hand, it's time to play I feel the emptiness I've created within Tears roll down my cheeks as blood flows down my skin You can't be stable in an unstable world Feed me pills and lock me away Strap me down, pull me under But I'm back with the Blade the very next day Today's the day my life will end I've got the steel in my hand, it's my lover, my friend You can't save me because I'm already dead You think I'm sick, I'm fucked in the head You can't be stable in an unstable world Feed me pills and lock me away Strap me down, pull me under But I'm back with the Blade the very next day

Thank you

It's nice to know......
Posted by Naomi Jane on Tue Nov 28 16:39:46 2000 (#1588)

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one.. I have self harmed since I was fourteen, I'm now 21. Always has been a secret that I have kept to myself, thinking I was a freak and I was weird. Just reading all your stories and poems has touched me and I hope you are all well and not cutting yourselves too badly... Remember you are not alone.! Love, Naomi. (Anyone ever need to talk, send me a mail at above address)

something i wrote....
Posted by laura on Wed Oct 4 02:43:16 2000 (#813)

Crash 9.23.00 You know the look that takes over your face right before you cut? The sweat on your lip the strain of the eyes - the hovering of your gut. Holding the steel between those two fingers that know just what to do. The amount of pressure to get the result and temporarily subdue. The crimson rises as you lick your lips in eager anticipation. You lick the blood that is dripping down without a moment of hesitation. Your eyes rolling back when the stinging occurs and you begin to tremble. Making sure nobody was watching you as you disassemble. It's all gone now, that pain that you felt. You left it on the floor. Now you notice you're starting to fade and you are wondering what for. Is this how to kill the pain that you feel - by cutting it out of you? Don't you see the torment you'll remember with all of these tattoos? The gratification is fleeting at best and then you're back at square one. Looking together will clothing that covers, but slowly coming undone. Hide the razor and swallow the secrets that crawl up through your skin. Don't forget to replace the cobwebs that guard your little sin.

another poem
Posted by Bekka Mae on Mon Nov 27 07:20:31 2000 (#1570)

Surrounded in a world of unjust pain. Carefully slicing throug each pulsing vein. No hopes for tomarrow, wishing only for death. Rage and hatred growing more with each unwanted breath. Self created emptiness inside, no emotions left within. Becoming less, fading away, with a razor upon the skin. No way to turn back, now a slave to the blade. For innocent sins, how much longer until the debts are paid? Candles that once burned brightly, now flicker in the wind. With suicide in my mind, I once again reach for the steel, calling it my friend. I tear through the flesh of my wrists, as a lonely tear rolls down my cheek. If only the strong survive, I label myself weak. Now laying in my coffin, with disgusted family at my side. I am layed dowm for eternal rest with nothing left to hide.

Re: another poem
Posted by slice&dice on Sun Jan 6 01:20:50 2002 (#13252)

When i law down at night, i know that my life will never be right. The memory of his touch remains, leaving nothing but sorrow and pain. I try to erase the thoughts, but his voice still echoes in my mind. Every word he said was a lie, when it was finally over, i wanted to die. When i close my eyes, i feel like life is over, not knowing where to turn. I will find a place to hide, where no one will find me dying inside. The memories are hard to hide, but i take all of his pride and shove it back down inside. This takes away my problems, but only in my dreams- because in life, nothing is at it seems, but everytime i think of him, i feel like i could scream. nothing makes it better so thoughts of suicide tease over me... i think that once its over, i wont have to worry about the pain. and when the end is almost near, i won't have to consider the fear. i will just think what it would be like, to live another night. by stephani jones...january 5--02

Re: another poem
Posted by leeroy on Sat Jan 12 16:50:40 2002 (#13373)

on the eve of death,no fears enter the mind.if you understand your reason,the hand of death will be kind.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Storm on Wed Apr 26 22:53:11 2000 (#65)

Hey, i've been reading what you guys have to say and i just wanted to add my own little spin on things, i'm 16, female and depressed. i have been diagnosed with something called cronic bipolar disorder (aka manic depression) i have hurt myaelf more times than i can count and at present i've a burn approx 3 x 2 cm on my wrist, i've slash marks all over my body and i think i may know how you're feeling. i've been put on Anti-depressants, 'Sertraline Hydrochloride' which is related to Prozac and i'm also taking anxiety pills, seeing Social workers, Psychiatrists and 'Therapists' from my local hospital after i had four sitches in a recent cut. I just wanted to write and say .. hey .. i've been through all this shit and i think i'm *finally* coming out the other end .. and if ANYONE needs to talk .. you know my addy, mail me! (apparently i'm a great agony aunt, and i swear i wont answer every problem with 'it's period pain' or 'talk to someone'like magazines do!!)

Ok, Keep safe .. and in the words of a very, very beautiful person 'Quella e bella vita'

xXx

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by terra on Wed Jul 26 05:47:35 2000 (#438)

i have no advice for you. i feal the same way. just know that you are not alone and that alot of us out there feal the same way and i know this will sound stupid but pray. god does hear and i truly believe he cares. it helps me alot of the time. i have done this for so long it's become a habit. but i recently came back to god and it has helped alot. now i am no religous fruit cake or anything i just know that if you feal the same way i do then it means you are fealing just as bad as i do different times every day of my life. i am a victim of a violent rape and i have cut myself for a long time. i know that it takes away the pain but killing yourself is not an answer. i tried it and it did not help when i was stopped and had to drink charcole for 3 hours. i donh't know any of the answers in life and why some of us hurt this way but god does and he loves you. your friend terra

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Katie on Sun Jun 4 16:33:13 2000 (#92)

I have been cutting myself for years and luckily it has slowed down. Even though it has, I really want to stop all together but find it too hard to. I get so anxious and it is the easiest way to feel better fast. Does anyone have any suggestions of what to do instead when I feel so helpless and angry? Please help. Thank you.

Self Mutilation
Posted by kayla on Fri Jul 14 22:43:31 2000 (#377)

HELP..... I'VE BEEN CUTTING FOR 1 1/2 YEARS AND I'LL SAY ITS LIKE SMOKING, YOU CANT STOP ITS TOO HARD AND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT SOME PEOPLE EVEN NEED THE CUTTING TO HELP THEM SELVES FEEL BETTER, I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I DO. ITS NOT EASY TO TELL PEOPLE SO I TOLD A FRIEND AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID. SHE TOLD ME SHE DID IT TOO BUT SHE DIDNT SHE WAS MOCKING ME. I WANTED HER TO TELL SOMEONE FOR ME BUT NEVER DID. I EVEN TRIED WRITING TO A PSYCHIATRIST BUT THAT DIDNT HELP CUZ WHEN I GOT TO THE MAIL BOX I DIDNT SEND IT. I HAVE AROUND 5 LETTERS IN MY DESK THAT IVE TRIED TELLING PEOPLE BUT NEVER WAS ABLE TO SEND THEM FOR FEAR THAT I WOULD GET HURT AND PEOPLE WOULD THINK I WAS WEIRD. IF ANY ONE READS THIS PLEASE E-MAIL ME AND HELP. KAYLA

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Maegan on Fri Dec 7 18:26:16 2001 (#12778)

I know what you people are going through i have been there too. i do it every once and a while but i pretty much stop but soon enough you will stop to. well i wish you the best,.

Self Mutilation
Posted by Alexa on Sat Dec 22 03:50:50 2001 (#13016)

i've been cutting for awile and i really want some help.i also have eating dissoders.or so i think.i was told as a child that i never really had any problems and i was imaging it. i feel like no 1 will beleive me if i try to get help. there is lots of alchoholism in my family and i go to meetings for that but this is much harder to overcome and deal with.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by kristine on Mon Jul 17 20:53:46 2000 (#398)

You're not alone.

I have self-abused one way or another for most of my life (I'm 31 now). I am also a recovering alcoholic (5 years sobriety August 20, 2000), and I use my 12-step program to help with my SI as well as my alcoholism. In 1995 I cut myself enough to require over 300 stitches. My arms are badly scarred. I've since had 4 plastic surguries on them, but they are scarred nonetheless. I work in a corporate environment and it's very difficult constantly trying to keep my arms covered.

You can enter recovery from SI. Perhaps look into Emotions Anonymous? They use the same 12-steps as Alcoholics Anonymous. I cut once every blue moon now, but never enough to require medical attention. I am also seeking therapy as I suffer from BPD. Write me if you'd like to talk more. Again, please remember that you're NOT ALONE.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by cristina on Sun Jul 30 23:33:34 2000 (#453)

Hi everybody...like most of you out there, i'm scared. right now i'm getting scared of myself. I've been cutting for 3 months now. Not deeply. I just scratch my left arm with small scissors, just to see if i bleed, the thing that scares me the most is thinking i could even NOT bleed...i want to SEE IT. Well, i should tell it to some1 i know, but i just can't. What if my parents knew?! It would hurt them so much, they would feel guilty for that, and they are not. Not at all. They would send me to a doctor, make exams and find i sometimes smoke pot. but that IS NOT the problem...i do it like once a month. the problem is ME...this thing would kill them. I don't know what to do. I've not been cutting for a week now, but i can't resist right now. I'll keep hiding, i think. Thnx for reading this.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by caz on Wed Aug 23 01:48:49 2000 (#549)

Im 17 and i've self-harmed for 3 and a half years.Doctors still dont know the cause of my on going depression. I was hospitalized a year ago for 3 months and if anything I got worse in hospital than out of it. Now I dont really feel depressed well slighty but nothing compared to this time last year, but I still self harm. I dont really know how to stop or if I can so if anyone has advice id be really grateful?!

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by pam on Sun Aug 27 19:21:49 2000 (#566)

hey...anyone out there? i often ask this - do you?.... i am 32 yrs. old and have been self harming in one way or another since i was around 7 yrs. of age... why? i don't know...in my family depression was not accepted nor discussed so i didn't know that was what i was suffering from until i went to college... a counselor there really helped me to search and find myself - not just to accept what my family believed and thought i should be...i've been hospitalized twice - once in senior year of college and then 3 yrs. later... i have been "free" for 7 yrs now... yes, i still suffer and i still mutilate myself from time to time but not nearly as often... what has helped me?... to be honest the only thing that keeps me going is my work - i have my own petsitting business that keeps me busy 7 days a week year round... if i did not have animals to care for (and an overwhelming sense of responsibility and commitment)i probally would be more active in the mutiliation world and prob. be spending more time in the hospital...everytime i think of doing something though i remind myself - i have to care for so and so tomorrow - i can't be locked up and unable to go.... now usually when i do anything i make it look like it could have been accidental...scraped up by a dog pulling me down etc...most the time i do stuff that isn't visible...that's how i've been most the time - as i said it wasn't acceptable in my family so no one could know...i do have scars now though - mostly from burning - yes mom knows about them now but she learned a lot when i wound up in the hospital - the 2nd time... first time she only asked how i could have done this to her! i am sure this is the response of many parents... people don't understand - they don't know what it's like if they haven't been there... my counselor even had a problem understanding at one point... she told me to find something else to do to get my anger out (rather than punching walls and slicing)... so i slammed a tennis ball into the dorm wall... she didn't think that was acceptable either til she figured it was a step in the right direction... social people really don't understand that those of us who have trouble expressing our feelings have to have some way of getting them out! when people ask me why i hurt myself my response is just this... physical pain lessons emotional pain... physical pain i can deal with... emotional pain i can not.

may you all find something out there that fills your life/time and keeps you from doing major destruction...i can't say you'll find happiness - cuz i myself don't even know yet what that is ... but hopefully some fulfillment may come to you.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Katie on Sat Dec 11 07:51:23 1999 (#4)

My heart breaks to hear of your suffering. I am only young, but until a few years ago I also self-mutilated for several years. I went to see a psychiatrist and started taking a medication and it has only happened once in 3 years now. Please get help, please do. You are not wierd. I am seen as one of the most intelligent and popular in my academic setting now, I'm seen as very 'normal'. Yet I know what the urge feels like. If I know, it makes me wonder how many other people must experience this too. You are not alone. It can stop. Please believe me.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Rena "Niki" Clarke on Mon Feb 28 16:35:24 2000 (#6)

Sonora, I read your email this morning and I pray that you are okay. I have never had the urge to cut myself before and I have no idea what that's like, but I have been extremely depressed before and that was bad enough. Hon, I only want to say to you that God loves you and He does not want this for your life. I wish there was someway to take away your pain myself but if you will ask God to help you, for me, He will. Talk to Him in your room where no one hears but you and Him. Tell Him those secret things that you can't tell anyone else. He hears, He knows your pains already, He just wants you to come to Him and say "Father Help Me." I heard this the other day, "God will never fail the people who put their trust in Him." I beg of you, talk to Him. Do me a favor, read Psalm 23. Let me know how you are doing. God loves you and so do I. Niki

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by alice on Mon Sep 4 08:21:52 2000 (#679)

please write me id like to help my whole family suffers from depression

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by jag on Mon Feb 28 16:42:16 2000 (#7)

I hear your words and they speak deeper than you think. I have had the urges but don't like pain. My brother has deep scars from doing this. He has met a wonderfull person who has helped him overcome what his dark secret that haunted him. I also have been seeking help with the doctor. Please, i know that you are wanting someone to help because you spoke up. Don't delay and if you go to a professional you will be amazed with how concerned they are for your safety. Love you sister.

Self Mutilation
Posted by rachel on Sun Oct 1 22:41:38 2000 (#787)

hi. ive now been cutting for about 6 months. im extremely unhappy and depressed. my mum saw my arm for the very first time last night and shes totally freaked out and is sending me to a psychiatrist on thursday. she hasnt told my dad yet (there divorced) but i know when he finds out he will go totally mad. im really worried bout seeing a psychiatrist because i have alarge red cut going down the centre of my wrist, deos anyone know how i can get the scar to fade quicker? help me, im confused and very unhappy with my life, i dont know what to do.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Sandra on Mon Feb 28 19:36:34 2000 (#8)

I have read your plea for help and am trying to understand the pain you must be going theough. Please don't do this to yourself and above all remember that God loves you and is there to help you through this. I wiil continue to pray for you untill I hear from you that you are doing better.

Just reach out and Jesus will take your hand and heal you.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Janice on Fri Jun 2 04:40:25 2000 (#84)

I have been cutting for about a year and nobady knows about it. I know my family would be supportive but i don't have the courage to tell them.

Re: Help for Self Mutilation
Posted by liz on Thu Jun 15 01:04:10 2000 (#129)

the only thing i have found helpful is this org called SPEAR. they are in the UK. i will post the address as soon as i find it. it's free and helps some.

Re: Help for Self Mutilation
Posted by Laura on Wed Jul 5 22:18:12 2000 (#339)

hey i know what some of u mean. i have been cutting for a few months and well yeah it isnt a fun thing to go threw. but u need to talk to someone because it helps sometimes. well i am always here email me if u want to.

Re: Help for Self Mutilation
Posted by laura on Wed Oct 4 02:37:01 2000 (#812)

God.... It's getting worse, last night I counted 147 new cuts that I have made today. I went ahead and made it an even 150 ~ the last 3 being rather deep (which is usual for me). One being on my throat. I ended up having to go get stitches in my neck, but snuck out before they could send me up to the "mental" floor. I think I want die. Screw all of the people that think it is for attention. If it was, wouldn't I have told someone by now? In seven years, 3 people know about it, and 2 of them even do it themselves. God.... I need help. Somebody please help me. Why can't I stop? I mean, I was anorexic and bulimic for 10 years, it seems I always need to be slowly dying in one way or another. Everyone would think I'm crazy. I'm not, am I? I mean, I cut the hell out of myself ~ but I think I have reason to... damn!!!! What do I do? Can anyone help me? Can someone atleast email me and tell me I'm not alone?!?!

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by NewGrr on Mon Feb 28 20:21:19 2000 (#9)

I can totally relate to you here. I went through pretty much the same thing. I, myself, have scars over a big percent of my body. My masochistic behavior started with an eating disorder and lasted for a few years. I have shared your torment to the fullest. However, I've learned that even if I have the urges, how NOT to act of the violence. It has been 5 years since I've harmed myself in any way on pourpose. If you would like, e-mail me and we can talk. Maybe there is something that I learned that will help you get over, or at least find a better way to deal with your pain. I'm not saying that I can get you to stop, I'm just saying that I've been there, and know what you're going through. If you have ICQ, my UIN is 59867593. Like I said, if you would like, please mail me back. Brightest Belssings to you!

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by NewGrr on Mon Feb 28 20:23:57 2000 (#10)

I'm sorry, but I posted the wrong UIN for my ICQ. It's actually 59837596. Feel free to msg me.

Self Mutilation
Posted by Anon on Mon Feb 28 20:32:35 2000 (#11)

Self Mutilation is the best way to get all the pain and hurt out for me but when my partner caught me doing it he was horrified I tried to explain why but he could not comprehend. Since seeing the hurt on his face that night I have never done it again. Yes it relieves my pain but causes him pain and i don't want him to feel it for me. So think before you do it. You just pass the pain on to someoene who loves you when you release it in such a manner.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Katie on Thu Dec 6 01:25:07 2001 (#12740)

i am 14 and have been self mutilation since i was aboyt 12. for me it feels releaving to see the blood flowing out of me, its like the emotions flowing out as well. it also is a type of distraction for me. it hurts, but its become an addiction. like drugs and drinking. it just brings me back to reality sometimes. its hard to explain in writing. . .

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Bart Shagrath on Mon Dec 10 16:25:15 2001 (#12830)

Cutting yourself can only be understood by those who are or were into it. I used to cut myself because of a fascination for blood I had at the time (4 years ago now), and while I was doing it, it grew out to be something I felt comfortable with. I quit when I cut myself very deep in my arm and saw the slash I´d made! It took a few months to heal properly. Anyway, I think people who cut themselves should keep doing it, cuz it feels good and comfortable.

SI
Posted by rachel on Sun Oct 1 22:39:55 2000 (#786)

hi. ive now been cutting for about 6 months. im extremely unhappy and depressed. my mum saw my arm for the very first time last night and shes totally freaked out and is sending me to a psychiatrist on thursday. she hasnt told my dad yet (there divorced) but i know when he finds out he will go totally mad. im really worried bout seeing a psychiatrist because i have alarge red cut going down the centre of my wrist, deos anyone know how i can get the scar to fade quicker? help me, im confused and very unhappy with my life, i dont know what to do.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Kate on Sun Jun 11 21:54:33 2000 (#101)

I know how you feel, i am a SI too. If you can get to the true reason why you are doing it you may realize that you are not alone. I'm sure there are many people who care about you but I know that it is hard to believe them. I am the same way. Write me if you ever need to talk.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Peg on Mon Feb 28 20:54:12 2000 (#12)

As bizzare as this sounds, it is a great reliefe to know that there are other self-mutilators out there. I have gone a bit over one year with out cutting. It has gone pretty well, but lately, those feelings are coming back. I am seeing a counselor for learning how to "cope" but we are not that far into learning just yet. I was wondering if anyone struggled a lot in the first year or so? Peg

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by time on Mon Feb 28 21:10:33 2000 (#13)

i for one have not had that pain .everyone has a life to cherish,you are born from love and need to love the father is and will always help you you have a purpose here and if it be too teach someone how not to hurt yourself & learn to love yourself your life will have a purpose.no one should have to feel you pain including you ask to heal ask for help learn to love yourself for who and what you represent and that is life. you are special god will always love you and forgive you no matter what now FORGIVE YOURSELF AND START HEALING.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by shelly on Tue Feb 29 04:20:55 2000 (#16)

hello. i have only read today's messages, but i am very impressed with the outpouring of love and support. i was a cutter for years, before i even knew what a cutter was, or that anyone else was doing this to themselves. it took a failed suicide attempt to make me commit to stopping all my self-destructive behaviours, including bulimia, masochistic relationships, depression (this is also a traumatic and horrible way to realise your life has to change - i do not recommend it).

there were messages saying heal, trust in god, he will help you. those are lovely thoughts, but if a you don't value your own existence (which seems to be a common feeling amongst cutters), it is often impossible to maintain a belief in god. though i have faith that god is everywhere. connecting to the divine can be done in so many different ways. finding the spirit and restoring your soul are really healthy things to do and will give you faith that yes, there is a reason, many reasons that you are alive. you are important and special. there are so many reasons for your life.

sometimes medications help. and some people respond to doctors. but not all. in my experience, practitioners of western medicine tend to be pretty scared of issues that cannot be treated with antibiotics. and a lot of cutters don't have a whole lot of trust in people around them, so going to a doctor is not even a consideration. there are some wonderful pyschologists and psychiatrists out there who specialise in these things and who will not be shocked or horrified or put off. finding them can be a major blessing.

i really had to learn to ask for help when i needed it, to be able to call someone and talk to them instead of feeling the razor slide into my skin. i felt that i deserved to be punished for my ugliness and my loneliness and my differences. please, please, more than anything else, i want whoever reads this to know that they can e-mail me at shellfisk@hotmail.com, anytime, any day. i check my e-mail several times a day and would love to be able to share and explore options with and talk honestlyand nonjudgementally with a person or people who are having such trouble and feel they have absolutely nowhere to turn. i know that pain very intimately.

and being able to be honest helps so much - you don't have to lie or hide anymore - let's talk - take deep breaths - realise that you have options - realise that reality does not have to look like this.

much love shelly

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by sheleo on Tue Feb 29 17:40:53 2000 (#18)

Some people just don't get it. you can't say get help,cutters know they need help.It's far more then just depression,it's pure torment, rage,a battle on the inside of you.A feeling of total loss.can't cope any more,want to die. It seems as though no one can help.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Linda on Wed Mar 1 00:04:06 2000 (#19)

I am so touched by the pain represented here. I have only come to this site in search of information. If anyone can help I would appreciate it. My 19 year old daughter is dating a young man who has cut himself in the past. He always passed it off that his cat did it. The last time the cuts were way too big to have come from a cat so he revealed the fact that he had done this with scissors. She was upset and broke his confidence by telling me. I was crushed to think that he would do this. I confronted him with it in love. My email was not well received, in fact, I was told to drop it.In our last conversation concerning it, I told him that I would drop the subject. He had told me that it was nothing more than a game. Accepting his explanation, I explained that I was not impressed with his game and was upset that he would play something so dangerous. I agreed to drop it but told him that if I ever saw that again that I would consider that it WASN"T a game and he was crying out for my help. This all sounds harsh but it was not at all. He knows that I love him and do not think less of him for it. I have not seen anymore signs of this behaviour. It has only been about three months. Did I handle this properly? Is there anything else I can do or do you think that the fact that I am making him accountable to me is helpful? Thanks, Linda

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Jessica on Wed Mar 1 19:50:30 2000 (#24)

Hello. You have gotten yourself into an interesting situation. It is hard to give advice to whether or not your decision to confront him was a good or bad one. I am a cutter. I have done it for almost 2 years. I know that when I told my parents, I wanted to hear that I was loved and that it would be ok. That they would get me help. While they were supportive, I don't think that they understand exactly what I've gotten myself into. Hell I don't even understand. I guess what I'm getting at here is all I wanted was someone to hold me very tightly and tell me that it was ok. I WANT them to acknowledge that yes, there is a problem but it can get overcome. So, I think it's great that you confronted him. Of course he shunned you away. Whenever someone asks me about it, or tried to get me to talk about it, I get extremely defensive and ashamed. BUT, behind all the embarassment, I know that this is a person who is concerned and will help me when I need it. Don't take your daughter's boyfriends reaction in a bad way. All he needs right now is support and that is all you can give him. You are doing perfectly. I'm glad there are people out there like you. Thank you for reaching out in a loving way to get this to end.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Tammy May on Wed Apr 12 01:00:54 2000 (#52)

Hi, I have been cutting for over 7 months and people realy don't understand. My freind keeps telling me is i kill myelf she will be responcible and I don't think that is fair, it is my choice to do it and if want to stop i will get he help but people yelling or freaking out dosn;t help.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Nikki on Tue Apr 10 17:45:17 2001 (#5666)

Shelly,

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by Nikki on Tue Apr 10 17:47:09 2001 (#5668)

Shelly (and all the others who have stopped cutting), I applaud you for your bravery in letting other people learn from your experiance. Until I started this research project I didn't know much about self injuring. Now I do and want to say, Congradulations on the accomplishments.

Re: Self Mutilation
Posted by CeCe on Tue Oct 10 02:05:09 2000 (#973)

Man! I TOTALLY know how you feel! I cut myself and I can't stop..I want to kill myself but I am toooo scared! Well if you want, you can e-mail me ANY time! anyone else can e-mail me too if they wanna talk about ANYTHING! Hope to hear from ya soon!

-CeCe

uuugh
Posted by neal on Sat Dec 2 12:10:10 2000 (#1669)

When you live your life day to day, you exist only as a robotic slave, pandering to the whims of you fellow employees/employers. You wake up each mrning with stomach cramps from the feelings of isolation and fear that course through your body. But you get up and after your two cups of decaffinated coffee and cigarrette you feel brave enough to face the out side world. Its sunny outside but you where your biggest coat because you haven't eaten properly in days and everywhere is so cold. At work everything goes in slow motion.Everyone seems to get on with life, some people are actually laughing. You sit at the computer screen watching as your life ticks by one minute at a time. Everyone goes out at dinner but you can't face up to actual face to face interaction with any of the other robots. So you sit at your desk, wallowing in your own self pity, indulging in the feeling of pain in your stomach as it begins to eat itself. Your lack of nutrition results in a lack of energy and ability to stay awake for long periods of time. By 3:30pm you are struggling to resist the urge to crawl under your desk and sleep forever. You daren't drink any more coffee as the effect of the caffine being absorbed directly into your bloodstream is causing the most head splitting headaches you have ever experienced. At 5:30 you grab your things and get the fuck out of the building, the feelings of the walls closing in on you as you leave causing paranoia and a desperation to hang yourself. You get home feeling disgusted withyourself for being so weak and helpless that you go the off licence and by whatever spirits youcan afford. Then you go home and sit in the dark until you can't resist anymore and drink the alcohol until you feel sick, you stumble into the bathroom. Grab your razor and slash at your arms and chest and legs anything just to see the blood pour down your body. And then you clean yourself off and crawl into bed.

Re: self mutilation
Posted by Fox on Sat Dec 22 10:17:32 2001 (#13019)

He was a warrior, new and fresh; gone out to face the world. He came back with a haunted look in his eyes. People said he became wise. No, he didn't become wise, he only became smarter, he could hide it better. The first time he killed, he cried. He had felt angry and sad, black despair and overwhelming grief. He had cried. The second time, he didn't think. He only did it. The third time, the fourth time, the fifth time...he did it because he needed to. He needed to see the blood well up and flow. He needed to taste its metallic tang. He needed to smell its sour stench. Slowly, slowly he became nothing. Nothing at all.

whats going on
Posted by Ren on Tue Jan 15 23:48:20 2002 (#13440)

i'm not sure why i am doing this i suppose it seems like a good idea so i think i will just try to say what i want! i have cut myself and i donlt know why i did it i don't mean like in th elast 24 hrs it was a few weeks back but i don't understand myself. i have friends i am getting good grades at colledge but i feel so loanly and i don't know what to do about it. everytime i get close to somone it all goes horribly wrong and i just feel like i will never got somone to love and that fucking pisses me off i mean it's not to much to ask is it i'm a nice guy and yet i can never get anywhere and i just feel like i have had enough of this shit and all the bulshit pressure that i get from people to do well i just want to fuck it all off and yet i don;t know what do do

for you all
Posted by Crystal on Thu Jan 17 03:02:22 2002 (#13465)

this is for all of you.

the words i wanted to speak got lost in the blood from my arm flowing like laughter from th gash you slashed with th knife i begged you to cut me with. you asked no questions. and the flesh split wide open like lungs. fat cells oozing up from the skin like marbles. and i laughed at that momment of my weakness. i cut because i am a coward. proving i am not afraid. i am sacraficing my flesh to my fear. the deeper i cut the braver i feel. the deeper i cut the weaker i feel. i am surrounded by love but drowning from the hatred coming out of my skin like water overflowing the top of the glass. spilling over the edge of my skin like wine. down the tips of my fingers like water to roots. i am screaming. on this hospital cot @ 4:53 in the morning. for someone to smile at me. you might call this a cry for help. for pity. from strangers. who can't know me. don't expect me. to be strong. in the face of every weakness. light up every darkness. let me be a child. with needles and stiches as my hugs and kisses. i am eternally grateful. i show strength with my knife. searching for pity. for love without reason. i am always strong. i am always right. except every day, that you look at me. i am screaming. constantly.

hopefully we can all

be there for each other in any way we can. we'll get through this darkness.

-love,

crystal

Re: uuugh
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 17 04:39:06 2002 (#13470)

you wake up next to another body for the third time this week realizing this other body is only a body and doesn't love you. you love yourself less. and as your mind struggles against the conciousness of another day you wonder what mistakes you'll make again tonight under the excuse of the night's 8th drink and your 23rd cigarette. pulling clothes on - shirt, pants - like a bandage to cover the sore of yourself. the sidewalks are littered with flies buzzing and one lands on you with the question "how you been" and you buzz back "fine." this time, since what else is there to say. with the scratches finally scabbing over and the burns are finally pussing up. and you wonder what these flies would do if you threw up your thoughts all over there carefully manicured happiness. the accident of yourself exposed in thoughtless hapless honesty. but the flypaper of your skin isn't attracting anymore and they pull away with anxious midunderstanding. feeling vaugly the smile you leave them with is drawn on with marker. marking one more sickness your skin covers.

Question about S I
Posted by Kristen on Tue Feb 29 01:08:15 2000 (#14)

I know that this must be an awful question, but I need to know if I am the only person in the world that does this sort of thing. I know that self injury is more common than people realize. I have never told anyone that I do this. I was sexually abused by my father since I was a little girl. And it has only stopped in the last couple of weeks and I am 28 years old. I am so ashamed about this. I read a lot about self injury and mostly what I read is about people who hurt their arms and wrists, and legs mostly. I self injure but not there. I usually use cigarettes and burn my private parts. I would never be able to talk about this face to face, but it's causing me so much shame. I want to stop because I feel like it's crazy and really a very sick awful thing to do. I have tried before, but I wasn't able to not do it. I know I must be crazy. Does anyone know where I should look for any inoformation?

Re: Question about S I
Posted by Ariana on Tue Feb 29 05:56:37 2000 (#17)

I have read about people who have been sexaully abused specfically injury their private parts. I actually have a male friend who was abused by his grandfather and used to cut his penis. I don't know where you can find anymore info on this, but know you are not alone- love,ariana

Re: Question about S I
Posted by Linda on Wed Mar 1 06:22:54 2000 (#22)

Kristen, I'm just a mother, not a cutter. I have stumbled upon this site through an article from ediets. I just want you to know how my heart breaks for you. If I could be there right now I would hold you so close and tell you that you are very special. You are not responsible for what your dad has done to you. You must understand that you are special in God's sight. I'm sure you probably think that if He cared He would never have let this happen, but you see He gave us all a free will. What your father has chosen to do to you was against God first. My message of hope is that God still loves your father and you too. "Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways ACKNOWLEDGE Him and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5&6. That is a verse that has been very helpful in my life. Acknowledge just means to speak to Him. Hope this helps.

Re: Question about S I
Posted by Kate on Sun Jun 11 21:58:42 2000 (#102)

I know how you feel, i do the same thing. I am 21 and have been cutting since i was 15. i don't know if i was sexually abused i might have repressed it but I know i was verbally abused since i was 5. I know it isn't as bad but i know the pain you are feeling. Don't ever feel embarrassed. You are not alone. Write me if you need anything.

Kate

Re: Question about S I
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 01:50:32 2000 (#906)

I cant say i know how you feel, but know this you HAVE NOTHING to feel ashamed of. You can get help, and so can your Dad. I f I could I would hug you and tell you you are NOT Alone... We all self harm for diff reasons and yours is as important as everyones.. I hope to hear from you NUNI

Sharing
Posted by Jeanette on Tue Feb 29 03:45:43 2000 (#15)

Outside of the internet, how do you handle telling others (friends, family, coworkers) about your SI? I have a problem sharing it with others because of the responses I have had to deal with in the past.

Re: Sharing
Posted by Kati on Wed Mar 1 02:20:27 2000 (#20)

Well, I really can't help you with this, I am sorry, because I donnot tell ANYONE!!! Which is probably half of my problem. Let me know if you come up with any answers.

Re: Sharing
Posted by Doug on Mon Mar 20 11:41:23 2000 (#36)

These posts are my first attempts as well to share with others. I am thinking about letting my therapist in on it too! Imagine that! After 30 years of broken bones and blood.....

I have my next appointment this week, I think I'll talk about it because I am tired of suffering, alone.

Doug

Re: Sharing
Posted by heather on Mon Apr 3 11:40:01 2000 (#48)

hello jeanette! i , myself used to be a self injurer ( i was one for 4 years) for years i would lie to my friends and family about my injuries... i was so afraid that people would think that i was nuts .... i thought that way for a long time... one day i just got tierd of all the lieing...the lonliness.... that i couldn't take it anymore... i told my mom.... i was so afraid that she would have me put away.... but instead she told me i needed help and that she loved me... friends and family love you for the person you are... they love you unconditionally... which means they love you no matter what your worse action is... if your friends were any kind of friends they would understand and still care about you... YOU will know when you are ready to discuss it with someone... no one can tell you when that is except you and iam sure that when you do ...your family and friends will support you..don't let one negetive experience stop you from getting help... you deserve to be happy just like everyone else

Re: Sharing
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 8 01:56:57 2000 (#907)

To tell you the truth I dont tell... My shrink knoews and he has been very understanding. I dont tell because people are afraid of people like us. Its up to you, if you choose to tell, try discussing it as an issue you read about, and then introduce it by saying you are one of us. Remember, you live with this, they dont give them time to let it register and if they pass judgement on you explain that you need support not judgement. Hugs for you my friend.

Fresh Cut
Posted by Kati on Wed Mar 1 02:52:08 2000 (#21)

I just cut myself, it is stinging, and I like it. The reason I have no email address on here is because I share email w/ my dad and don't want him to know that I have been cutting again. I have been cutting since I was 12, I am now 14, I have never gone for more that a couple of months without a new cut. I don't know why I do it, I am not a person that can easily let out my emotions. I donnot cry, often. I somehow enjoy cutting myself, I don't know why. I am kinda scared, because I want to stop, I really do, but I can't. And I have sooo many scars on my arms, they disguist me, I can't stand looking at them, but I have to, and yet I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I would just like for someone to maybe give me an idea, or something, anything... Thanks of reading this..

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by beth on Wed Mar 1 16:33:21 2000 (#23)

i'm a psychiatric clinical nurse specialist and have worked in mental health 20 years. i am deeply saddened to read Fresh Cut. i hope in my heart that you reach out to someone you trust and get help. if you have found this website to post your event (cutting) hopefully you can read the sites which offer suggestions for help and treatment. in my experience, i have learned that a good therapy relationship and some work on issues will be very helpful to. don't let this go, you asked for help....go with that part of you that wants to learn a new way to express your emotions. if your father is not someone who you feel trust and safe with tell someone who can help you, an adult a teacher your pediatrician, minister, anyone....

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Liz on Fri Jun 16 02:45:14 2000 (#139)

Don't worry. People are here for you. I cut myself too and i'm very ashamed. i know the feeling of what you explained. how you like it. at one time i was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for this. Just hope you never get down to that. amazingly, after i got out of the hospital i continued to do that. i hope to stop one day also. Just know ther are people who know what you're going through.

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Kati on Thu Mar 2 00:06:59 2000 (#25)

It may be kinda stupid to respond to your own posting, but here I am doing that exact thing. Well, I just cut myself again.. :*( I am directing this postage to anyone, but mostly to beth. I want to let beth know that I have been in therapy before, I was in it for over a year, straight, like every week, I was also in a group at my old school, none of it helped me. I have been in a psychiatric hospital, I was put in one at the beginning of this school year, was in that one for 4 days, then my parents transferred me into another one, i was there for like a week, then in the partial program for 2 weeks, or a week and a half, I am not sure which. I haven't seen a counselor since I was in the hospital, I am pretty sure that I have my parents convinced that I am better, I think that I am kinda better. But it doesn't help me when my friends see my cuts and punch me, repeatedly, telling me not to do that. It just makes me want to do it more, and deeper... Well, thank you for reading this, again I am not leaving an email address, but I will be coming back and looking at the new postings on this site every once in a while...so feel free to tell me what you think of my situation, and maybe offer advice if you would like. Thank you, ~Kati~

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Toni on Thu Mar 2 04:47:47 2000 (#26)

Kati, Do you know the reasoning behind your cutting? i started when i was 14 but a certain event triggered it. Just wondering. Sometimes it helps to be able to sort out why it is happening.

Sincerly,

Toni

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by beth on Thu Mar 2 22:48:18 2000 (#27)

kati do not give up on yourself, obviously you have problems which are difficult. most of all, they are with you always and will not just disappear when the blood flows. therapy is a long and painful process which sometimes doesn't seem to be helping. but yu said you think you are doing better, so maybe something is helping. cutting is a way to not feel what the real emotional pain is...another way would be to take a really nice luxurious tub bath or read a favorite poem or magazine or work on a favorite hobby. sometimes, just letting yourself feel the emotion for a while, and not acting on it is helpful. journal writing is great....since you like email, you'd probably be good at journal writing. work toward not cutting kati, that is the direction you need to head in. take care of yourself - don't mutilate yourself....

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Kati on Fri Mar 3 02:17:53 2000 (#28)

Unfortunately, I have cut again...in response to Toni, I would like to say that I donnot know why I cut, people have been trying to help me figure out why since I started, and I donnot know why, I just do. I am not really sure why, I have low self esteem, and am on antidepressaints, have been on several differnt ones over the course of these past few years. My friends saw my new cuts again today and punched me several times, telling me to stop and trying to find the reason for why I do these things, I wish that I had something to tell them. But I am afraid that I don't. I know that my friends are worried about me, but I don't want them to be, because, I mean I am not going to go too deep, because I don't go that deep to begin with....at least not deep enough to do any real damage. I just like the stinging, and the sight of the blood..that sounds very morbid, I know, but it is the truth, I don't know if anyone else feels like this when they injure themselves, but I do. Beth, about your comments on journaling and such things. I have tried this in the past, and it didn't seem to really help, I have also tried to write stories and poetry about this...but I always wind up throwing them out, I am very critical of my own work. For a while, when I was in the hospital, for attempted suicide and depression I had to find other ways to deal w/ my urges to cut, and I did to a certain extent, but when I got out I went back to it, it is comforting. I realize that it is a vicious circle and will not stop until I make a command decision to stop it, because it is in the end my choice. I just don't know what do, I half want to tell my parents, but half don't want to, because they worry about me enough as it is, and we are having some finace problems at the moment. They don't need to be bothered with my childish problems. Thank you for taking to the time to read my mindless blabber. Please post any responses.

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Anon on Sat Mar 4 23:28:42 2000 (#30)

Kati

It is not a childish problem you have. It is a real serious problem which you need help to deal with. I started self injuring myself at the age of 11 and at 24 I still on occassions do it. Don't let this drag on seek help.

For me no one knew I did it until I was 19 - no one ever got close enough to find out. When eventually my boyfriend caught me he tried to help. He still tries to help and support me but after 5 years he is worn out with my problem.

Mostly it is the thought of the pain that it causes him that prevents me from doing it, coz everytime I make myself feel better by cutting myself it hurts him and in return it uspsets me. The cutting itself doesn't bother me it takes my pain away but when he catches me the pain returns - THINK ABOUT IT and take care.

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Joe on Sat Jul 1 23:58:54 2000 (#277)

Kati, first id just like to say im here for you hun. second, why not get a seperate e-mail from your dad? a few good places are www.mailspace.com-lets you choose from over a 1000 domain names ( the @wotever.com bits if you aint into computers ) www.hotmail.com-the most popular uh iv forgotten the rest. good luck, e-mail me if oyu need to talk, and we can arrange to chat somewere so as your dad cant know

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Jeanette on Tue Mar 7 03:52:47 2000 (#31)

We seem to have a lot in common. I'm 15, and I've been cutting myself since I was in about the sixth grade. I've gone for weeks-even months-at a time without doing it, but the desire is always there. And I like it, but knowing that I do it disgusts me. This sounds totally weird, but sometimes I wish I were anorexic or bulimic instead of a cutter. It seems to me that in our society today, it's almost cool to have an eating disorder. Until this summer, I thought that I was the only one. Feel free to e-mail me.

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Kati on Sun Mar 19 05:46:35 2000 (#34)

Anon, I can understand that it hurts other people, I know, my best friend is here with me now and I am sure that it is hurting her and the reason that my other friends hit and punch me and such things are because they don't really know how else to deal with, I guess. I told my dad, because I knew that he was just going to wind up seeing them eventually, so I decided to tell him. That is why I have put my email address in this postage. My mom also knows. I haven't cut in 2 weeks, I want to make that longer. Jeanette, we do sound very much alike, and I agree that it does seem "cool" to have an eating disorder, and I read in an article that often times people with eating disorders also self injure, the article said that they are both a way of self harm. I have been anarexic, for like three months, I hardly ever ate, partically as an influence of a friend that was doing the same thing. I have also tried purging, but it is too hard for me, I can't stick my finger back in my mouth far enough. But you should all know that I am not planning on cutting anymore, not saying that I won't ever cut again, but I am making a command decision, here and now NOT TO!! I also will not force myself into having an eating disorder, I don't want to do that to myself, some of the people reading this may be saying, "How can you not want to do that, when you will cut yourself." Honestly, I don't know. Well, I have gotten off the subject here, but I would like anyone to email if you would like to, and can share stories, sometimes it just helps to know that there are other people out there that are doing this and are feeling the way that you are. Thanks for reading, please post any responses. Jeanette, feel free to email me! Annon, and anyone else can...I will try to respond ASAP, even though it may take a week after you have mailed it.

~Kati~

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Kayla/marie on Sat Jul 15 16:03:45 2000 (#383)

kati, i know exactly how you feel. im also 14 and started when i was 12. its hard to deal with without other people knowing about it. try and get an e mail address by for yourself so we can talk because i would love to talk to someone my own age that does this sort of thing. please contact me.

Re: Fresh Cut
Posted by Anna* on Fri Aug 18 23:00:56 2000 (#540)

Hi, Well, I want you to know that going a couple of months without cutting is really good. I've never stopped for even a week. My parents found out 3 days ago (I'm 13) and though I promised to stop, I've already cut again. You're doing good. I share just about all of your feelings. So you're not alone. Good luck with everything.

Anyone how SIs and has kids
Posted by sarah sims on Wed Mar 8 03:32:46 2000 (#32)

Hi I would like to chat to anyone how has kids and has or still SIs. I would like to have a baby this year but im worryed about my SI

Help with14 yr old daughter
Posted by danon on Thu Mar 16 20:00:41 2000 (#33)

I just found out my 14 year old daughter may have a problem. She told a few friends that she cut her forearm with a razor after having an arguement wiht some other friends. Her friends were concerned and told the teacher. I was called in and according to her story to the school officials this was a one and only incident. I have no reason to believe this has happened before. I've never noticed anything before. Now I know girls at this age tend to fight with each other, plus they also like to do things for attention. When I saw the cuts, she told me the cats did it and I had no reason not to beleive her. The school insists I get her counseling. Based on everything I have been reading here, I'm not sure if I should immediately schedule a counseling session. I don't want to push her before she is ready for that and cause more problems. But, I also want to find out if she has done this before. I don't know if this was just for attention since she went and told her friends about it or if maybe it has been going on for a while and she finally is screaming for help. She is outgoing, very involved in sports, has lots of friends. It is just inconceivable to think it has been an ongoing thing. My first inclination was to think it was girl stuff, peer pressure and trying to get attention by doing this and then telling her friends about it. I just feel like right now I'm caught between trying not to overreact and blow it out of proportion and not taking it seriously enough. Can anyone help? She was confronted at school today and went back to class before I was called in. She wanted to stay in school today - so I let her. so I haven't even seen her yet, since the provebial "cat was let out ot the bag" I just am not sure how to approach her or this whole situation.

Re: Help with14 yr old daughter
Posted by Meg on Tue Mar 21 05:47:53 2000 (#40)

Okay, I'm 14 and also considered outgoing, pretty, popular, athletic, and smart. I have been cutting myself for about a year and a half. It started out with me fighting with boyfriend. It felt so good, just to watch the blood flow out, so I did it again in about a week, then every other day. During the winter I did it on my arms, it's easier to hide. In the summer, on my stomache, hips, every where that a swimsuit could hide. Please, please please, have a professional talk to your daughter, the fact that she was driven to do it once, is enough, she needs to talk to someone!! This has caused me so much pain. Please reply, I'm interested in what you decide to do.

Re: Help with14 yr old daughter
Posted by Tina on Wed Mar 22 09:26:44 2000 (#42)

Hello, I am an 18 yr old high school student living with my motherand father. I ahve been cutting for a few years. It's a habit and one hard to get rid of. My biggest problem that started it, was the death of a friend. It becomes a way of life after the first few times because it's a relief of things, it's a physical pain to focus on instead of the emotional pain. I know with my own judgement how far to go and I have learned to control it, the hard part is getting rid of it. Therapists and medication do help but the biggest help is talking to somone in the same position, somone you can talk to everyday, at any time. Many people scorn apon it because it scares them. People really do care and understand, you just have to make hem see it. Listening and asking questions is the best thing anyone could ever do for a cutter. A cutter has to find other ways to let the emotional pain, for me it's playing my music on my flute it keeps me occupied till the urge goes away. I am always willing to talk and answer questions, trust me I've been through it all pretty much and I know how a teenager see's it.

Re: Help with14 yr old daughter
Posted by melissa on Thu Aug 10 06:19:02 2000 (#479)

i am 15 years old. and i have had a serious problem for 2 years. because of depression and confusion about life i am suicidal. i started slitting my wrists in 8th grade. near the middle of the ninth grade it wasnt good enough to cut my wrists anymore. i learned from a friend about how people shoot heroine. so i tied i rubber band around my arm, tapped just below my elbow, and sliced the bulging vein. almost instantly i passed out. i woke up in the hospital. my boyfriend had found me lying on my living room floor ... draning. he saved mylife. and now he goes to counceling with me. it was so hard to talk about at 1st, but i know that i have a problem. your daughter should see a councelor. you should go with her. it really helps to know that someone is there for you. please e-mail me.

Re: Help with14 yr old daughter
Posted by Skye on Thu Aug 17 03:05:20 2000 (#535)

I'm 13 years old and started SI-ing in 7th grade.My mom didn't have a clue..and she wasn't very sensitive to my feelings.When she found out what I was doing she called me a psycho,a freak,and cursed at me.To say the least it did *not* help!!Be there for her and tell her that you are not mad at her or want to force her into anything,tell her you just want her to get help(do not punish her,my parents did that and it did nothing for me but depress me even more).Even if she *is* doing it for attention,there has to be something wrong that she would choose hurting herself to get it.Better safe finding someone for her to talk to,then to have her do it again.Good Luck!!

me, a minority
Posted by Doug D. on Mon Mar 20 11:33:53 2000 (#35)

Hello,

It seems that the groups I've been reading, most posters are women. I should be thrilled to be in this exclusive company, but it makes me feel even more alone.

I have had SI behavior for nearly 30 years that I can recall, ranging from breaking bones to serious cutting.

I have kept this a secret, though a diagnosis of bipolar seems to be popular for me, I have not related my feelings or told anyone that I have done things to myself. (Except for the cutting, which were half-hearted suicide attempts)

I also feel like I should be sick or hurting all the time. Perhaps a little hypochondria thrown in for good measure?

Oh well, I am sooo confused right now, and depressed too. Did I mention that I am also addiction prone?

I know I have rambled on, but it is so much like my life, rambling with no purpose.

Doug

Re: me, a minority
Posted by Morten Wulff on Mon Mar 20 22:07:12 2000 (#37)

Just my $.2 on the minority thing.

I recognize some of myself in your post. I, too, feel a little overwhelmed by being the minority to this degree.

But! As far as I can tell, there are actually a few of 'us' out there... We just don't tend to be very willing to speak up and talk about our problems.

For me, this has to do with the interaction (or lack thereof) between me and my parents. Emotions/feelings have never been the kinda stuff we discuss when we are together.

Their reaction when I was diagnosed with depression was a couple of blank stares, and comments like: 'Maybe you just need to get some more sleep'.

Still, I don't know much about their past - for all I know, they could be having some pretty big skeletons in their closets...

As for the SI well, I think it goes without saying, that i haven't quite told them... :(

Hmmm... this turned out to be more of an introduction than an actual reply!

Love, wulff

Help
Posted by Lori on Mon Mar 20 22:27:54 2000 (#38)

Someone please let me know that I am not the only one who struggles with the urges to cut. I have recently been released from the hospital because I was suicidal. I have been self injuring for the past three or four years. I have not cut in three or four weeks now and the urges are very intense. I can't fight them any longer. I have made the decision that I am going to cut tonight. I am going to buy some new razor blades on my way home. I just don't know what else to do.

I have even been suicidal again. I just can't deal with this pain anymore. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I am so sick and tired of this pain. I have to feel a different kind of pain again. I need to feel something physical, rather than emotional.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to deal with the urges, without actually cutting?

I feel so alone, please someone let me know that I am not alone.

Re: Help
Posted by someone on Sun Apr 9 23:55:57 2000 (#49)

You are not alone. That is so sad, i probably am to late cause you posted this 3/20/00, but I Cut to and it takes the pain for alittle while but it is never enough and it is not worth it. Try not to I do, but I can't stop, I don't even know if I am righting the right stuff here i better go bye.

alone
Posted by Kat on Tue Mar 21 01:13:47 2000 (#39)

im going to florida tomorrow. havent cut for 11 days. a long time for me...i want to cut so bad. but i ont want to go back to the hospital. i feel bad, but ok, when i get back from vacation it will all go to shit though. god im dying. my picture is on the pictures page if anyone cares. it's number 18.

Re: alone
Posted by meg on Tue Mar 21 05:51:11 2000 (#41)

Kat,

you are NOT alone, I care, and so do other people. I haven't cut for about 1 month and it's a struggle every day. What really helps me is to take a red marker and draw where the cuts would go, then take ice-cubes and rubb them on the marks. It's messy and weird, but hey, it works for me.

Re: alone
Posted by ariel on Thu Apr 13 15:13:32 2000 (#55)

I haven't hurt myself for a month and it's a struggle. There are a lot of thoughts in my mind mostly struggles of why i should or shouldn't injure. Alternatives aren't helping because I get lost so quickly in the idea of hurting myself and then crying because I can't. I have a lot to lose if I do. I have one friend that understands and I have to call her long distance to get her help but she's all I have right now. Good times always make me feel better, but I always fear when the next bad time will come. I wish I knew all the answers for me and others but hang in there, there are all these mountains to climb but the valleys have to be worth it. They just have to.

Frigtened and Alone
Posted by Sara on Wed Mar 22 22:56:56 2000 (#43)

I am 25 years old and struggling with self-injury. I hadn't cut for four weeks until last night. I feel so alone and I feel that I have failed. I have failed everyone, including myself. I just don't know what to do.

Nobody close to me knows that I have given into the urges to cut. I don't dare tell them, because I am afraind that they will send me back to the hosital. I don't want to go back there.

Does anyone out there have any suggestions of what I can do to fight the urges? Is there anyone else out there who struggles with this? Please someone let me know that I am not alone. I can't stand to be alone in this struggle anymore. Please, someone, anyone help me.

Re: Frigtened and Alone
Posted by Meg on Sat Mar 25 07:15:59 2000 (#44)

Sara,

Hey chicka, no matter what you think you're not alone. You may only have screw ball people like me, but that's one. I'm having a good day today, I haven't cut in three days today. To help me, i have a red marker that i use to mark were the cut were gonna be. You look kinda stupid with red marker all over you, but you don't get the guilt that blood always brought me. (hint: washable marker is easyiest. It's hard enough to say that the cat cut you all over over your arm, try explaining exactly how a cat did it with a marker USE WASHABLE!!!!) Love, Meg And a big hug, carefull, my arms are healing, just like my spirit, and yours will too!

Re: Frigtened and Alone
Posted by Sara on Mon Mar 27 16:25:57 2000 (#45)

Thank you so much for replying to my message, Meg. I really do appreciate it. It helps to know that I am not alone.

I had to go into the hospital again for 2 days at the end of last week. My doctor thought that I tried to kill myself because I had cut my wrist. That was not the case, but it did help to be able to talk to someone about what was going on.

It has been three days since I last cut. It feels pretty good not to have cut. I have the urges everyday. The thing that is helping me to fight the urges right now is journaling. It works well for me.

Well, I need to get going. I hope that we are able to keep in touch. If you ever need to talk about what is going on, please let me know.

Thank you again Meg for letting me know that I am not alone.

im adding this board to my site
Posted by suicide goth on Wed Mar 29 15:15:12 2000 (#46)

im adding this board to my site, its Self-Harm Cymru, and its at

http://www.angelfire.co m/ak2/selfharm/

hugz n tearz

chris the goth

new self injury page
Posted by heather on Mon Apr 3 11:24:43 2000 (#47)

for anyone that cares... i started a page on self injury called the old familiar sting.... if you want to visit the addy is http://www.geocities.com/hidde n_scars

Don't know what to do
Posted by Razor on Tue Apr 11 02:07:23 2000 (#50)

i am so confused, i want to cut. i had quit for 3 months after doing it very seriously, but i couldn't stand it and i did more, not very many though. i need more pain. i can't feel the cuts n-e-more. i don't have n-e-body to talk to and i think i'm going to go insane. e-mail me.

Re: Don't know what to do
Posted by a-cutter-2 on Thu Jun 15 08:34:24 2000 (#131)

i am always thinking about killing myself.i cut myself whenever i am upset about anything.i dont cut vary deep just enogh to bleed,but latly i have been cutting deeper and im scared that i will go to far.e-mail me to talk if you feel the same way.

Re: Don't know what to do
Posted by Candy on Tue Jul 25 07:11:55 2000 (#434)

Try a ice cube and run it really hard over your arm or what ever

Re: Don't know what to do
Posted by a friend on Thu Apr 13 05:02:38 2000 (#54)

Razor, I sent you an email a couple of days ago. In case you have tried to contact me, please do not think I am ignoring you. My computer has crashed and it will be several weeks before I am up and running again. Please don't feel alone!

Re: Don't know what to do
Posted by suicide goth on Fri Apr 14 18:31:20 2000 (#58)

hey

if you need someone to talk to, email me, or visit my site

http://www.angelfire.co m/ak2/selfharm/

its got a msg board which i check every day!

~hugz~

Healing
Posted by Ariel on Tue Apr 11 23:38:23 2000 (#51)

I read a lot of these messages and all I can think is how scared I am of stopping from hurting myself. I don't know what life is like without it. I can't picture myself not doing it to relieve the pain. I can't stand fine cuts but I use my nails, I punch myself in the arms legs and head. I use hot water to relieve pain. But for about a month I have not injured. I hardly ever cried I was just angry and bottled up. Now I cry uncontrollably and feel so much emotional pain that it scares the people around me. I have done this on and off since I was in High School. The scars make me comfortable but sad. My motivation to not injure is the people I love and love for myself. My main hope is not to fail myself. I cry mostly because I fear the things I want to do to myself. The urges are so strong. I don't know how to help people understand what the episodes are like. Especially without scaring them.

I want to seek Therapy but I don't know where to start. I think I'm scared but I do want to stop this. Last night I urged to injure but I survived. At the cost of injure to my relationship with my boyfriend. He doesn't understand and doesn't really have time in his life to try and understand. Some days he wants to know and some days he thinks I do it to make him feel sorry for me. I just do it because it comes natural. I want to know how others deal with their relationships that have knowledge of their self-harm.

Thanks for listening.

Website
Posted by Lori on Fri Apr 14 18:22:52 2000 (#56)

There is a fairly new website out there that is great! It has a chat room with many different communities and self-injury is just one of them. The website is healthyplace.com I have found it very helpful. Please check it out.

Re: Website
Posted by suicide goth on Fri Apr 14 18:29:10 2000 (#57)

i have a link to that site, its one of the best i've seen! its certainly worth visiting!

No-one cares any more
Posted by Hayley on Sun Apr 16 19:52:30 2000 (#59)

If anyone reads this please help I really just want to kill myself. but for some reason can't instead I'm cutting myself. All my friends have just given up with me and dont want to know any more. I need support now of all times and my friends just seem to have given up with me. Please help!

Re: No-one cares any more
Posted by kate on Sun Jun 11 22:02:47 2000 (#103)

I know how you feel. I was suicidal for five years. I am now a cutter for seven. Even though if seems like nobody cares about you they probably do it is just hard to believe them. i am the same way. If your friends have given up they aren't real friends you need to open up to people who are compassionate. Hang in there. I am here if you need me.

CAN ANY ONE CARE FOR ME?
Posted by KAYLA on Fri Jul 14 22:55:43 2000 (#378)

YEAH RIGHT LIKE SOMEONE COULD CARE FOR ME. I STRONGLY DOUBT THAT. IF YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND AND EVEN HAD THE SLIGHTEST HINT THAT I WAS CUTTING WOULD YOU CONFRONT ME ONE TO ONE OR NOT AT ALL OR IN A LARGE GROUP SO IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE JUST JOKING? I SWEAR MY FRIENDS HAVE HEARD FROM OTHER PEOPLE THAT I CUT BUT NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT. THAT AND WHEN THEY ASK ME THE ONLY THING THEY SAY IS WHERE DID THAT CUT COME FREOM. SINCE I HAVE CATS AND RABBITS I USUALLY SAY ONE OF THE OTHERS. I EVEN HAVE TRIED TO KILL MYSELF BUT TO NO HELP I CANT GO THROUGH WITH IT BECAUSE I HAVE ONE THOUGHT OF WHAT IF I DONT DIE AND THEY FIND ME? WHAT WOULD THEY THINK. BUT ACTUALLY TO KNOW THEY CUT IS BETTER THEN THEM FINDING ME HALF DEAD ON THE FLOOR. I LIKE THE LOOK OF THE BLOOD EITHER TRICKLING OUT OR POURING OUT. I CUT ALMOST EVERYDAY IN THE WINTER AND IN THE SUMMER I MAKE 4 CUTS AND KEEP CUTTING AT THEM SO IT JUST5 LOOKS LIKE THERE NOT HEALING FAST. PEOPLE HATE ME AND FOR GOOD REASON, I DONT LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE ALL THAT MUCH AND WHEN I LIKE THE PERSON I TALK TOO MUCH. IM SARCASTIC AND NEVER BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE BEING SINCERE BECAUSE IVE BEEN HURT TOO MUCH IN THE PAST TO LET PEOPLE GET TOO CLOSE. NOW IM MOVING TO A NEW HIGH SCHOOL AND ALL MY FRIENDS OR ALL 4 OF THEM ARE GOING TO A NEW ONE AND WHEN I TOLD MY DAD I WAS SCARED ALL HE SAID WAS YOULL MAKE NEW ONES. YEAH RIGHT. AND MY SISTER SHES PART OF THAT PROBLEM. SHE TELLS PEOPLE THAT IM MEAN AND A LOT OF RUMORS SO PEOPLE DONT LIKE ME. IVE HAD BREAK DOWNS AND AT LEAST 3 TIMES A WEEK I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP . IM ONLY 14 1/2 YEARS OLD. NOBODY SHOULD BE GOING THROUGH THIS BUT WE ARE AND IN LARGE QUANTITIES. UNLOVED

Re: CAN ANY ONE CARE FOR ME?
Posted by melissa on Thu Aug 10 06:41:51 2000 (#480)

i have been suicidal for 2 years. i guess thats really not that long but it feels like it wont ever end. i cut my wrists all the time and the scars are horrible. nobody cares anymore. i feel like now im doing it just to prove it to myself and everyone else. i know i need help but i also need support. i feel like if im able to talk about it i must not really mean it. i think that because nobody believes me anymore. please believe me and help me.

Re: No-one cares any more
Posted by Kate on Sun Oct 22 01:52:58 2000 (#1049)

Cutting is not easy to get over...it's a constant battle between living and dying. Believe it or not the cutting is helping you...I know that sounds so strange. How can self injurious behavior help me? But it does...it keeps you from keeping it all in...and it prevents you from killing yourself. I know you feel like no one will ever understand...I used to self injure. I used to do it constantly...and whether we understand or not, we are here to help you. If you need anything please feel free to e-mail me. Kate

I care about you
Posted by suicide goth on Sun Apr 16 22:14:14 2000 (#60)

i care about you, yep, i cut too, and its so hard to stop, hey, email me if you want i'll talk to you, stay safe,

~hugz~

chris

Healing
Posted by Joy on Thu Apr 20 07:50:51 2000 (#61)

Please come visit my new web site (joy.healthyplace2.com). It's still new, but i'm working on it, and i'd love to get suggestions, poetry, stories or questions. Best wishes to all of you... stay safe. -joy

WORST ONE YET.
Posted by E on Sun Apr 23 17:33:29 2000 (#62)

BURNT MY ARM 2 WEEKS AGO TODAY, NOT HEALING AT ALL, IN FACT SEEMS TO BE GETTING WORSE. CANNOT BELIEVE HOW STUPID I AM.. GOD I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH.

Go and get medical help
Posted by Michael on Sun Apr 23 21:23:40 2000 (#63)

You should go and get medical help, before an infection sets in, please do it before its too late

Re: WORST ONE YET.
Posted by ree on Wed Sep 6 09:44:43 2000 (#687)

Go and get help because I left a burn off mine and it got so infected that it has just started to heal after 2 1/2 months of daily dressing.Take care

crazy... so I'm told
Posted by Lost on Mon Apr 24 17:11:47 2000 (#64)

I'm 17 years old, in college, work at the movie theater... pretty well off (so it seems) I look like I have a wonderful life on the outside... but on the inside I am dying. I've been in the hospitals MANY of times and I've been cutting and burning myself since I was 12. The strange thing is I thought I made it up when I was younger. I had never heard of or seen in ANYWHERE... so I'm wondering how it ever occured to me or anyone else to do it if they had never heard of it. That would mean that its somehow instinct or something for so many of us to be doing this yet not know that there are others out there. I haven't cut in about 4 months... but lately I've been just wanting to grab ANYTHING and carve away. My mom is constantly checking my arms, legs, stomach and back for anything new and I think that is the reason I have stopped... if she finds something she will send me to another hospital. The strange thing is, my friends think its kind of cool... they want to carve their boyfriends initials into their leg or arm. (no telling how many initials are in my body) They don't do theirs for pleasure, but when I see their new cut or anything like that i sort of get jealous. I want to cut so bad.... a lot of people don't understand how it could NOT HURT and feel good instead, and I've also heard other peoples explanations for how it feels to them and how the blood calms them... but I can't relate because thats not what it does for me. i don't like the blood and i don't like the begining of the cutting, but after a little while is whent the joy comes and the feeling for the next few hours is wonderful. when i am cutting i get so focused on it that i don't notice ANYTHING... I'm just in my own world. I miss it so much!

a mess that i pray you can help me with
Posted by Blade on Wed Apr 26 23:06:56 2000 (#66)

hey. female, 16, lost. i feel foolish writing about this .. but here goes. whenever i tell this story it seems like i'm lying, i wish i were. My father is an alcoholic, he abuses me. i am manic-depressive, i cut / burn / stab myself for some reason that i can't explain. i've been to the hospital for attempted suicide so many times i'm surprised they let me out again. But still my parents turn a blind eye. it's bad for them to have an imperfect daughter. we're quite well off, decent social status .. and i'm just not what they wanted. My first b/f, the one i lost my viginity to, punched me repeatedly until i allowed him to have sex with me .. a one night stand two years later has sadistic tendancies and burned my breasts with his fag. (see why it sounds like a lie) and now, i think i have found the most beautiful man, who is willing to be there for me, in a platonic way, but even though i need him .. i can't i'm too afraid. i don't know what i want you to say .. but anything, may help.

Love you, and keep safe. Bethany

Re: a mess that i pray you can help me with
Posted by Lost on Thu Apr 27 00:03:03 2000 (#67)

Hi Bethany. I'm your age, so maybe I can give you some advice from a peers point of view. I think that if you don't already know the guy well, that you should wait until you do know him well... and since you've been through so much trauma, especially when it comes to guys, you should be very cautious, but at the same time, don't let fear block you away from everyone. There is the chance that you will get hurt (physically or emotionally) by this guy, but there is also the chance that he could be perfect for you. If you push him away you will later wonder what could've been and if he was the one for you and might even regret it... but if you let him in, he might hurt you. So, since I know so little about the situation, i can't really tell you EXACTLY what to do, but I can tell you that you should think about it LONG AND HARD before you make any decision that you might regret. I've been in that situation many of times and all i can say is that you learn from your mistakes... and I know its harder on you when you hurt being that you are already depressed and suicidal (same with me) and getting hurt can make you want to die even more... but if he doesn't hurt you, he can maybe take you out of your depression and actually make you happy for once in your life. I think you should take all of these things into consideration. I know i probably didn't help you much, but e-mail me and we can talk and maybe we can help eachother through some problems one day.

Take Care, Lost

Re: a mess that i pray you can help me with
Posted by Hayley on Tue May 2 10:46:50 2000 (#69)

Hey, I dunno what I can say here + I'm sorry for that but u really must try to give this new man a chance I have shut many ppl out of my life before because I have been hurt by other ppl and I've regretted it. I think that's about all I can say I'm sorry but I really do know how your feeling because I'm also depressed, suicidal + cut. Anyway I'm sorry I couldn't say more but you can e-mail me if you want.

Luv u + take care

Luv, Hayley

help me
Posted by lillian on Sat Apr 29 15:41:45 2000 (#68)

i just cut myself and it feels good and i know it shouldn't. i feel like i'm going crazy. i quit for more than a year but it feels good to go back, like an old friend, but i'm so scared. there is no one in the world i can tell what i'm doing but everything is turning upside down and i need someone to help me. i know now that i cant cope without SI but i don't want to be this person. i don't know anyone who understands. i want to do so much damage to myself, i feel it all the time and what i've done is not enough. why can nobody hear me screaming.

what is wrong with this picture??
Posted by cassie on Wed May 10 04:37:02 2000 (#70)

Look, I have battled with self harm for fifteen years but never have i come across a group or site that seemed to enjoy showing the spoils of their efforts. what I am talking about is the the disgusting display that i witnessed when I looked at some of your pictures. You can tell that some of you really get off on this. My self harm was related to my extensive abuse as a child up until I was an adult. If anything I never wanted anyone to see what I was doing. I can understand a certain level of needing for others to notice,often we abuse in secret yet we want to be out in the light, we want others to see the pain and mental torture we are going through. i looked at some of these pictures and it was hard not to see that some of the participants were not getting a sense of sexual gradification of this, and other than a doctor, who the hell goes around taking pictures of their/other people's cuts. It is exploitive and incongruent with your web site that advertises help for those struggling with this terrible affliction. If anything these pictures are highly suggestive and may provoke a sensative person to harm themselves more( I realize that you warned that it would be triggering but this was just abusive in it's own right. I am completly for education, i wish I had it when my urges were at their worst, but i really do not think that showing these photos were helpful to anyone. violence to self begots violence to self. I am struggling with a relaps after a two year period I was seeing help through the net, this is not what i hoped to find I will not recomend it to others and I will warn my therapist about it.

Re: what is wrong with this picture??
Posted by kayla on Sat Jul 15 16:14:57 2000 (#384)

ok you have your opinion but your telling all these people all us people that were wrong in showing our cuts? how can you say that? if my picture were one of those then i would be glad to know that people can see what we are doing to our selves from fear, pain, loss or any other reason we cut. it is wrong in saying that we are degrading ourselves and that people will gett suggestions from this. if you think this dont you think they'll get a suggestion from the movie "secret cutting"? people will cut no matter what they see. i didnt cut when i saw those pictures and i didnt get the urge to either. most people only get the urge when something makes them mad, upset or sad. so anything could trigger their self cutting. dont try and tell people its wrong when there helping so many people get help with their problems. i am happy to say that i'm glad those pictures ARE up so i can see them.

Re: what is wrong with this picture??
Posted by Michael on Fri May 12 21:33:23 2000 (#71)

Those pictures are triggering, I have to agree, but they also educate non-selfharmers as to what the injuries we subject ourselves to look like.

That is one way we can gain help, I'm not going to defend the owner of this site, but if the pyschs and doctors know what we do to ourselves, then perhaps they might wake up and TRY to help us!

Re: what is wrong with this picture??
Posted by Linda on Tue May 16 04:16:51 2000 (#72)

Cassie, I agree with Michael. I am not a self injurer and I happened upon this site in search of help in understanding a close friend. I had never heard of such and was unaware of the extent that this abuse can take you. The pictures caught my attention and alerted me to the dangers involved and the articles helped me to understand the thought processes involved. This site has been VERY helpful to me. I think if it is harmful to you, you have a choice about viewing it. After all there were warnings posted.

I hope this doesn't become a slanging match!
Posted by Michael on Wed May 17 00:08:35 2000 (#73)

Thank you Linda, I hope this doesn't become a slanging match!

http://www.angelfire.co m/journal/mytearsarereal/

Re: I hope this doesn't become a slanging match!
Posted by Linda on Thu May 18 22:11:35 2000 (#74)

LOL.....Michael, it certainly will NOT become anything from me! I just wanted to be sure to voice my opinion that if it were not for this site, I would be in total darkness concerning this issue and I don't want to be. You have my word that I will not say more! : )

FUCK YOU ALL
Posted by FUCK YOU ALL on Tue May 23 00:46:30 2000 (#75)

Fucking losers

Re: FUCK YOU ALL
Posted by XXXXXX on Mon Jun 12 01:16:45 2000 (#105)

Your the loser you ASSHOLE.

Re: F--- YOU ALL
Posted by Enlightened.. on Fri Aug 25 07:20:39 2000 (#552)

How encouraging.I feel I may be healed now,just from that one message.

Re: F--- YOU ALL
Posted by agreeing on Thu Aug 31 07:04:55 2000 (#625)

lol, i know what u mean

self-mutilation
Posted by Carissa on Thu May 25 04:01:45 2000 (#76)

I am 29 years old and have been hurting myself for a while. I battle with depression everyday. I was abused as a child and went through an abusive relationship with my ex-fiancee. I cut my arms and even put cigarette burns on both of my hands. I have tried to stop many times withoug success. I am too ashamed and afraid to tell anyone what I do. I am afraid of what it will make them think of me. I would appreciate an advice or even if you just need someone to talk to who is going through the same thing, feel free to e-mail me.

Re: self-mutilation
Posted by Michael on Thu May 25 20:02:34 2000 (#77)

Don't be ashamed, there is nothing to be ashamed about! Telling non-si people might be counter-productive, but there are plenty of message boards like these where you can get support from other people in the same situation as you ~hugz~

My Tears Are Real... http://www.angelfire.com/journ al/mytearsarereal/

Re: self-mutilation
Posted by Zimone on Tue Jun 6 13:06:16 2000 (#96)

Dear Carissa! If you´d like to have someone to mail to; mail me at zuicide@hotmail.com. I´m a 19 y.o. girl from Sweden and I haved cutted myself for the last 8 years. I would really appreciate if you´d wrote to me.

Self Harm
Posted by Vanessa on Sun May 28 02:33:29 2000 (#78)

I self harm can you relate? Would like to chat

Re: Self Harm
Posted by Michael on Sun May 28 04:29:44 2000 (#79)

Hi Vanessa, I've been self-harming for two years, do you want to email me? I got a site on depression and cutting, there are warnings on there, if there is something which might be triggering, its called My Tears Are Real... its at:-

http://www.angelfire.co m/journal/mytearsarereal/

Stay safe *hugs*

Until I'm done...
Posted by blue rose on Tue May 30 00:33:53 2000 (#80)

Is there anyone out there who really knows? I don't think there is. You can't understand me unless you're as fucked up as I am and if you're that far gone there's no way for you to help me. There's so many scars that I can't count them anymore. I'm pathetic and weak: a coward. So why don't I stop? I don't understand why I don't stop. I'm not sad I'm not depressed but I engage in so much self destructive behavior that I might as well not even exsist anymore. Everything beautiful I just want to wreck, everything wonderful I just want to ruin. They say I have a chemical imbalance so they gave me medicine that made me sad. More scars. I want help, I want your help. But how can you help me if you can't help yourself? I'm done.

Re: Until I'm done...
Posted by My Tears Are Real... on Tue May 30 20:30:08 2000 (#81)

Some of us are getting over our illness, we've been there, some of are are still there, but we are fighting it, what medication are you on? The only medication that worked for me was Efexor, let me know how I can help you, I hope you can beat this too

Michael

Re: Until I'm done...
Posted by Blade on Wed May 31 11:00:43 2000 (#82)

Babe, I understand how it feels to believe you are the only one feeling as bad as you do, i had a bad night last night - i wasn't even that depressed - just bored. and this morning when i saw the mess i had made of my leg - Jesus, 12 straight slashes then maybe 25 multidirectional slashes in an area maybe 5cm sq. I know how it feels to believe that you are 'pathetic' and 'weak' - i know that sometimes it is impossible to drag up even a single reason why you should stop... anyway my point is - there are those of us out there who can understand, partly, what you feel.

Anytime ok - e-mail - IM, whatever. Keep yourself Safe, Love you xxx

no end in sight
Posted by profondo rosso on Wed May 31 23:15:17 2000 (#83)

I've never even had my own computer until now, so I certainly never dreamed I could find a site like this. I'm 35 years old, and I have been injuring myself for 23 years. I don't know why. It has varied in intesity from extreme cutting to self concussion, and bone breaking. Most people who know me simply assume I am accident prone, and get in alot of fights. I recently became engaged, and he thinks my scars are from my 1st husband. (does he really believe this?) Over time the cuts migrated from my arms to my legs until now where they have reached my face. I don't feel depressed, but I don't like myself very much. A gamut of psychiatrists and pills haven't helped. I'm afraid if I stop, I won't know who I am anymore. I can't imagine life without it. Can anyone help me?

Re: no end in sight
Posted by Michael on Fri Jun 2 20:58:17 2000 (#87)

Don't cut anymore, ok, easy to say, but try to do something other than cutting! Try writing red lines on your arms, sounds daft, but some people recommend it! Try it! Write poetry! Do ANYTHING other than cut! I write webpages and poetry, it stops me cutting, usually! Visit my site if you want, read my poetry, *hugs* Michael

Michael

http://www.angelfire.co m/journal/mytearsarereal/mytea rsarereal.htm

used to
Posted by Lost on Fri Jun 2 18:20:15 2000 (#85)

I don't know what happened to me, but the other day I was very upset and cut myself to relieve the pain (it always worked before) but this time, it just didn't feel the same. It didn't feel good, and it didn't relieve anything. It hurt. I've been cutting for 4 years and it always felt good, why all of a sudden is it not good enough? Am I "over" it, or does it mean that I have to do more extreme things to be satisfied?

Re: used to
Posted by My Tears Are Real... on Fri Jun 2 20:54:13 2000 (#86)

I don't think you are over it, sounds like the latter, can you get help from your doctor/pysch to stop? Don't know how I can help you, but if I can, well I'm here *hugs*

Michael

http://www.angelfire.co m/journal/mytearsarereal/mytea rsarereal.htm

cutting
Posted by gianna on Fri Jun 2 23:30:59 2000 (#88)

gianna here. I cut again last night and it scares me. This time on the leg. I have no friends thhat really understand, plesa someone write me.

gianna

Re: cutting
Posted by Carissa on Fri Jun 2 23:56:48 2000 (#89)

Hi Glanna,

I know what you're going through. I also have no friends that I can talk to and feel completely alone. Please feel free to email me if you feel like talking.

Carissa

Re: cutting
Posted by gianna on Wed Jun 7 01:47:41 2000 (#97)

Hi Carissa,

It, me gianna, It sure feel good to have someone to talk to. No one else listens, not even my family doctor, she is afraid that if we discuss the cutting that she will be reinforcing the behaviour. The past wk has been pretty awlful, I cut my thighes, more like slashed them and I have a dr.s appointment on the 28th, you know that yearly check-up from head to toe.Well, I concerned that I will have red scars and the doc. will notice them...what am I going to do. Please write me,and take care too.

Gianna

Re: cutting
Posted by Carissa on Wed Jun 7 03:35:49 2000 (#98)

Hi Glanna,

I am really happy to have someone to talk to too. I have never told anyone else about this for fear of what they would say or do. If you feel that uncomfortable with your doctor, could you maybe find another one. I had an appointment with mine just yesterday and I got so freaked out before I went that I cut my arm. If she noticed them, she didn't say anything. I think it's hard for them to understand why we do it. Anyway, please try not to worry about(better said than done, I know). Let me know how it goes.

Carissa

Re: cutting
Posted by Gianna on Sat Jun 10 02:40:27 2000 (#100)

Carissa, thanks for the reply. I really do like my doctor alot, I just want her to listen to me. I know she doesn't understand,because she wasn't trained in si, but then again neither were many other dr. Last night I sied again and I tied calling hot lines and hospital psych units, the all had no idea what to say, they usually sai the wrong thing too. I am at a loss for words all I want is attention and someone to spend time listening, mainly my doctor ,since I do feel comfortable with her ,only not talking about si. I wish she would listen.,.we will find out on the 28th . I have a dr's appt. the yearly physical and she will see what i have done to my thighes then. I didn't do it to get her attention either, otherwise, i would have cut my wrist were it is more noticable. write me ,ok. Gianna

not alone
Posted by profondo rosso on Sat Jun 3 02:06:45 2000 (#90)

Maybe I've been living under a rock, but I had no idea there were so many other people like me. Haven't cut today, but I can't leave a really big one on my arm alone. I know it won't heal unless I do. Thanks for being here, I can't go get pro help because I'm in the military, and they will kick me out. Just being able to tell someone helps. When I wanted to cut today, I started drawing a picture of it instead. Maybe not quite the same BUT, I didn't cut, and I didn't explode either. I'm so scared to have hope.....

Hope
Posted by someone who cares on Sat Jun 3 15:12:38 2000 (#91)

Months ago I wrote a letter to you all and asked to have it put on the "Articles" page. It has not appeared yet though it may have been an oversight. I read the posts on these pages several times every week. I want to help! My curiosity about the subject came from finding out that a close friend does this. I was in shock------why would a nice looking young man, an athelete, with everything going for him do such a thing. I have not as yet come to the end of my search. I don't know why you all find this release. I have my suspicions but for fear of being misunderstood, I will leave my thoughts to myself. This much I will say...there is hope! Don't believe the lie that there isn't! There are people out there that care and would gladly reach out to you but you push us away. We would surround you with love but your wall is so high and you guard the door with such strength that we can't get in. There really are people out there that can and would love you. I am one of them and that you cannot deny. If just saying this can send a little light to someone then......wonderful. Can you concentrate on that for a while and not on your pain!

Re: Hope
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jun 12 05:47:01 2000 (#111)

If there's hope, please tell me what it is. I have been searching for help but it keeps pushing me away. I was seeing a psychologist for about three weeks, once a week, before I told her about my problem with cutting. Three weeks isn't long to wait, considering that I'd never told anyone. And after I told her she decided I only needed to come in every two weeks, as opposed to every week. After that it was once a month. It was as if the cutting wasn't a problem, even though I didn't stop. So, I gave up on that one and decided that she was a large flaw in the psychiatric community. I sought the help of a nurse practitioner and, after talking to her once for an hour, she told me I had manic depression and put me on lithium. I thought this was rather hasty on her part so I asked her if I could just start with therapy. In short, she told me that the lithium was all I needed and I would be fine with that. Another snub from someone who I was going to for help. I've looked for help, I am not a weak person who focuses on her pain or a selfish little girl begging for attention. I have problems that go deeper than the gashes on my wrists and I need help. You sound like an intellegent individual, your advise would be greatly appreciated.

Re: Hope
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Aug 27 17:27:40 2000 (#562)

I want people to focus more on me than my problem. It's kinda like I want attention, bur not. I want poeple to care about me. When my parents found out, they thought that I was insane. I cut because I feel more important. I am let down all the time by my friends and family. I don't even want to have a family or friends. I am always feeling like nobody cares aout me. If I cut, that means I am insane and not perfect like everyone wants me to be. I don't want to be perfect and when I do something wrong, I am yelled at. I was always taught not to get angry and blow up, so I have to keep every thing inside me. And when I cut, I just let it all go. When the cuts heal, it's like my soul heals. The scars remind me, they're like memories, bad ones. It's not that I don't want help, I'm just afraid that everyone won't like me. I'm afraid of being alone...

Re: Hope
Posted by Zimone on Tue Jun 6 13:02:09 2000 (#95)

There isn´t any hope at all! I´ve been living like this for the past 8 years and I honestly don´t know what to do now! I´ve been living at different psych.wards since March 1995 and it hasn´t becomed any better yet.

I have been posting here a few weeks...
Posted by Michael on Mon Jun 5 00:49:54 2000 (#93)

I won't be posting here anymore, cos theres enough people here to help you, but if you are interested, my site can be found at

http://www.angelfire.co m/journal/mytearsarereal

best regards for the future, bye

~*hugs*~

Michael

selfharm...cutting
Posted by gianna on Tue Jun 6 01:29:46 2000 (#94)

Hi my name is Gianna, I began cutting myself last year and I dont like how I feel afterwards. I SIed on 6/2&3/2000 and I got even more angerry at myself.I cut my thighes really bad,and since then everything has gone down hill.please write me.

Re: selfharm...cutting
Posted by Nicole on Wed May 30 02:29:51 2001 (#7693)

Hey Gianna,

I began selfharming 3 years ago, and I still do it. I feel the same way as you. The only thing I can say is to tell someone. I have told only one person, and she has been helping me for the last 7-8 months, and things are a little better. I would really like it if you could email me back or talk to me via ICQ or MSN. Just email me for it, or anyone who selfharms, I also councel some other people for various problems, so please let me help you. Thx, Love Nicole

Re: selfharm...cutting
Posted by juliet on Wed May 30 15:24:06 2001 (#7698)

For some reason I feel that I can say this out loud and no one will hear me but others who have felt the same way. When I was 15 I burnt myself with an iron along my arms. I felt nothing. I told the people who asked that I had been in a fight. I burn myself very rarely now. I turned to drugs not long after. Do we do this to feel in control?

Re: selfharm...cutting
Posted by ali on Thu May 31 04:33:19 2001 (#7723)

yes, I think it helps manage or control the pain, or sadness or other feelings somehow. I think for me, it's an attempt to make the pain visible, or to get it out of me, ... or something!

I don't know ?
Posted by Tiffany on Wed Jun 7 19:47:49 2000 (#99)

I don't know what i'm doing, i just get urges to cut my arm. Not deep or anything but enough to were i bleed, i don't understand why.Is this self mutilation? When i get angry or frustrated i cut. I need to know so i can get some help if so.

Re: I don't know ?
Posted by Kate on Mon Jun 12 19:09:14 2000 (#115)

it is definitley self mutalation. I do the same thing when I get upset and the cuts are not very deep. Anything you do to beat your self or hurt your self whether it is emotional or physical is self injury. I know how yoy feel. Write back if you need someone to talk to.

What to do
Posted by Thelma on Sun Jun 11 22:37:58 2000 (#104)

I havent been cutting in a while, well last week i relapsed big time. I have to go to my ob/gyne dr for a post op follow up visit for a surgery i had last month. And i know hes going to see them. i dont know what im going to say or do, Does anyone know if there is anther way around this or what should i say or do. The cuts are on my thighs and they are quite obvious. There isnt a way to lie about this or is there? HELP

thank you

Re: What to do
Posted by Kate on Mon Jun 12 19:06:07 2000 (#114)

I think you should ask for help. But I shouldn't talk because i do the same thing on my thighs and stomach because you think someone is not going to see them. You might want to postpone your appointment until you figure out what you are going to do. If you know a way to get around this tell me becuase I have the same problem.

I have a question
Posted by kate on Mon Jun 12 01:20:39 2000 (#106)

Do any of you cut yourselves because you feel like everyone hates you? I do it for that reason. I feel like a loser because I have it planted in my head that people hate me and if they do i care so much. i need help.

Kate

Re: I have a question
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jun 12 05:06:45 2000 (#109)

You are so completely not alone in what you're thinking. It's really hard to tell whether or not people care. I'm sure people really want to care but don't know how. But you can't let your world revolve around what people think of you or else you'll just continue living a sad and miserable exsistence. A question for you: Do you hate yourself? It's hard for other people to care about someone who doesn't care about themself. I sincerely hope that this isn't hurting you to read this because I know where you're coming from and this is what I've discovered from my own experience. And about the cutting, all your left with is a reminder of what you're trying to forget. P.S. I care.

Re: I have a question
Posted by Kate on Mon Jun 12 14:27:45 2000 (#113)

Thankyou so much. It means alot to me. But I have a lot of good people in my life. But I still feel alone. I am the kind of person who blames themselves for everyting. I feel guilty for all the good in my life becuase I fell I don't deserve it.

Re: I have a question
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jun 12 21:06:25 2000 (#117)

No one deserves the good in their lives, if you really think about it. But we have it anyway. The happiness, joy, tears, laughter, love, and all the other bullshit that makes life worth living, it's ours whether we deserve it or not. Maybe someday we'll come to appreciate it instead of questioning it.

Re: I have a question
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Aug 27 17:35:34 2000 (#563)

I always feel like everyone hates me, especially my friends and family. I feel pressured to be perfect and do everything right and when I do something wrong, they get mad at me and yell and then don't care about me. I just wish someone cared. Or just loved me.

cutting
Posted by gianna on Mon Jun 12 02:25:58 2000 (#107)

any one out there. I really do need to talk. Ihave a dr's appointment coming up and I am worried about her reaction,if any. I am afraid she will dismiss me as her patient and that will hurt because I like my family dr. alot. She is very nice,but is afraid about thid si thing or just doesn't know enough about it . I think she choose not to get invovled and that bothers me cause she is so down-to-earth and easy to talk to,just not onthis subject. I just si on the 8th of june and feel like doing it again tonight. I see my dermatologist tomorrow and an concerned about what she will say or do. Write me. Gianna

Re: cutting
Posted by Kate on Mon Jun 12 04:33:25 2000 (#108)

I think that if she is a doctor she should understand and be used to this sort of thing. I am also a cutter so you are not alone. If your cuts are not too bad you can make up a story about how you feel or say a cat or dog scratched you thats what i say. People have seen my scratches and cuts but haven't said anything becuase they figure they were accidents. Well good luck. I am here if you need to talk.

Kate

Re: cutting
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jun 12 05:26:38 2000 (#110)

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Get some help, if help is there, right in front of you, run to it. Chase it and don't let it get away. DO NOT LIE!!! Life is so much more than this. Life is so much more than this blood running down my arm, or down your leg, or wherever else it may be. Get away from this if you can. Please, I'm begging you, if there was anyone at all willing to help me I would grab onto them and never ever let go. If your doctor knows there's a problem then tell her you want help and don't take no for an answer. Please please please take the help. Do it for yourself and for all us "others" who are to afraid to ask for it. Get well, be happy, live.

Re: cutting
Posted by Kate on Mon Jun 12 14:24:20 2000 (#112)

I understand totally what you are saying. I didn't mean to imply anything to her. But I do understand that it is hard to admit you cut. I have been for 7 years and can't even tell my psychologist.

Re: cutting
Posted by blue rose on Mon Jun 12 21:02:04 2000 (#116)

Then why do you even go to a psychologist if you don't tell her/him what's wrong? Is it doing you any good to hide it? If you really want to stop then tell someone. If you don't really want to stop then I feel extremely sorry for you.

Re: cutting
Posted by kate on Tue Jun 13 00:33:34 2000 (#118)

I go to a psychologist for depression and anxiety. The reason why I haven't told her is because I don't want to hurt her because I haven't told her for so long. Why haven't you told anyone? It is probably the same reason that I haven't I am not ready to quit yet. When I am I will tell her. If you want to quit maybe you should tell someone, anyone.

Re: cutting
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jun 13 00:49:31 2000 (#119)

I have told people, read my response to Hope.

Re: cutting
Posted by Kate on Tue Jun 13 01:03:58 2000 (#120)

Your not selfish at all. You just want help. You sound like an intelligent and mature person who really wants to quit. Have you told your parents or friends? Maybe they can give you a number of a real good psychologist . If you are not manic than being on litium is a mistake. That nurse might be messed up. I wish you all the luck in the world and really respect that you want help. I wish I had your courage. If you need anything I'm here. I know you don't know me but it is better than nothing.

Re: cutting
Posted by gianna on Tue Jun 13 02:00:44 2000 (#122)

Hi bluerose, It's Gianna. I want help,but I also wany it from my family doctor. She is suppose , examine the cuts but she doesn't even want to know if I have cut myself. That kind of attitude make me even want to cut more, because it makes me feel as if she doesn't care. Write me Gianna

Re: cutting
Posted by Gianna on Tue Jun 13 01:54:03 2000 (#121)

hi kate, gianna here. I honestly think that I am her first patient that self harms her self. I don't think that she has ever encountered thi problem before. I do believe that she should listen and attend to the cuts because she is my doctor. I really do like her , Ijust don't like the fact that she won't even look at the cuts or ask if I have cut myself,again. My dermatologist asked me today and she examined them and told me if I had problems with them to call her. Granted I did go to school with her since 6th grade ,so there is a sort of kindness there, before she became my doctor. I just wish the my family doctor would look beyond the cuts(behaviour)and look at the emotions that are behind the cuts. Well, write I'd love to hear others point of view.

Gianna

Cutting
Posted by Kate on Tue Jun 13 02:54:09 2000 (#123)

I understand, I think it is great that you have a great relationship with your psychologist, I do too. but if you really, really want help you need to find someone who can seriously help you. It may be her, I don't know her or you. but if it isn't then talk to another person but keep her. I shouldn't talk I am a cutter and haven't told anyone. i give you a lot of credit.

Re: Cutting
Posted by gianna on Mon Jun 19 02:49:13 2000 (#167)

hi kate, gianna here,I have a so-so relationship with my psych....and my dermatologist is really awesome...I am so glad that you are there for me ...I have no friends to speak of and that makes life hard to deal with. I am currently, looking for a psychiatrist to evaluate my medication...my family dr put me on prozac and I don't think it is really doing anything, my mpom feels the same way...she said she was going to talk to the dr,as soon as she returns from my sisters this wdend. Mom doesn't think I'm on a high enough d dosage...I'm only on 10mgs, which is like eating candy.Well, I got to go the library is closing talk to you soon,Gianna

Re: Cutting
Posted by Kate on Mon Jun 19 03:05:22 2000 (#168)

I am here any time you need to talk. I haven't told anyone about the cutting so I also have nobody to talk to. Things really suck right now in every part of my life. The worse things get the more I cut. I will never be able to stop.

Re: Cutting
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Aug 27 17:44:39 2000 (#564)

I haven't told anyone else either. My parents found out, but they think I only cut once. They don't know that it's serious. They don't know anything about SI. I wish I could meet someone who SIs in person. It would be much easier to talk. Does anyone live in Dearborn, MI?

Now I'm done.
Posted by blue rose on Tue Jun 13 08:54:52 2000 (#124)

A little peroxyde, a little gauze and it's all okay right, it's all gone now, it's covered up so it doesn't exsist. I got a new x-acto knife today. Old one got dull, everything got dull. Dull, all i could see was blue and all I could taste was dirt. Just one more, then I'm done, or maybe I should really be done. I just wanted to say good-bye. Don't give up just because I did.

please don't give in to this illness
Posted by Michael My Tears on Tue Jun 13 22:58:06 2000 (#126)

Just read your post, please don't give in to this illness, beating it has its rewards, believe me!

Don't give up!
Posted by Kate on Tue Jun 13 16:44:08 2000 (#125)

No, don't where are you going? YOu are scaring me. Why are you giving up. I didn't quite understand your message. Do you need help? Please write me.

cutting
Posted by Miara on Thu Jun 15 00:19:34 2000 (#127)

I just stumble upon this site yesterday. Although looking at it has been very triggering, I'm glad I found it and that there are other people out there who cut. I never was raped, and I don't know why I cut and burn. I don't want to die, I almost bled to death a couple of weeks ago and it scared the hell out of me. Why do yall cut? I really want to know more about people who cut, not cutting itself, but people who cut. thanx. miara,16

Re: cutting
Posted by Kate on Thu Jun 15 00:33:11 2000 (#128)

I cut because I sometimes get so upset and angry that it is almost a relief to feel physical pain because it dulls the emotional pain. I also blame myself for things and feel people look at me in a negative way.

Kate

Re: cutting
Posted by Miara on Thu Jun 15 02:21:10 2000 (#130)

How old are you and where are you from Kate?

Re: cutting
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Aug 27 17:48:55 2000 (#565)

My name is Dana. I am thirteen years old and I cut because I feel depressed and alone. Nobody really likes me and I can't tell anyone about my problems. I am from Dearborn, MI.

cutting
Posted by kate on Thu Jun 15 15:56:17 2000 (#132)

i am 22 and i am from Ohio. I have been cutting since I was 15 and can't stop.

Re: cutting
Posted by gianna on Fri Jun 16 02:16:36 2000 (#137)

Dear Kate. gianna,here. I know what you mean,it is really hard to stop cutting once you begin. I was told by my psychologist that it ia sn addictive behaviour, depending on the reason /reasonns why you do it. I cut for many reasons, the main one being to deal with life and cope with the fustrations of counselling. At the moment I have not been very responsive to therapy, my dr. say I am becoming more defensive and guarded since I have been looking things up on the internet and have been talking with people in the forums. I think that writing to everyone really helps keep me sane. I am 41, and also live in Ohio. I have just begun just terrible cycle of sh .to myself. I have had other tell me not to be hard on myself because I am coping the best I can with the problems and fustrations in my life ,at the present time, Present being the operative word.I hope to hear from you real soon, look forward to hear from you,you can email me at my personal email:auntchrisfun@yahoo.com

Talk to you soon,

Gianna

g

gianna

Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by Sara on Thu Jun 15 17:46:14 2000 (#133)

I am only 13 years old....I dont want to have to deal with cutting myself anymore, I'm too young for this. And yet I'm not, because I feel the pain. My boyfriend is so supportive...he has been my lifeline so many times......but my mother is scared of me, and so are the people I thought were my friends....no on can grasp the depth of the shadows inside of me. I dealt with bulimia for 8 months, and have cut myself for 11. Yesterday I went swimming for the first time this summer, and the red lines and white scars on my arm made it obvious I wasn't like everyone one....no one said anything to me, but I'm not stupid. I saw their stares and gaping mouths. I want to stop, but at the same time I don't......I have found that I only truly love myself when I'm bleeding...

Re: Vivid, angry scars...
Posted by Miara on Thu Jun 15 18:51:46 2000 (#134)

Sara, I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with this. I can't say what to do, because I started cutting and burning when I was 13, and quit for about a year, and now I am in a 'relapse'. One thing that I'm almost sure about SI, is the cuts get worse with time.

Re: Vivid, angry scars...
Posted by Sara on Thu Jun 15 22:12:00 2000 (#135)

I agree that the cuts get worse with time...I stopeed for about a month and a half, and I felt so much better that I was sure I was done. When, inevitably, I started cutting again, it was 10 times worse.....I have scars that needed stiches when they were still gaping wounds, but I always lived in secret. The was my private craziness, and I couldn't bring myself to tell. I knew I'd get the reactions I feared......and I was right.

Re: Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by Gianna on Fri Jun 16 02:49:28 2000 (#140)

dear sara, hi my name is gianna, I am 41 yrs old and have bee siing since last year. I just recently slashed my thighes and had an appt. with my dermatologist. She was very kind when she looked at them,very gentle. She told me not to go swimming until they are completely healed . I told her I didn't want to have red marks ...she said they will take a while to heal...at least a year b/c the skin heals from the inside out. The red marks will go away, you just have to have patience. try using bacitrince on the cuts, it helps to keep them from getting infected, and releives the itching, which for me is hard not to do. Aslo,put neosprone on them, it's best to let them air out, and not bandage them, b/c you will keep removing the new skin. I don't think your mother is scared of you, I think your mother is scared for you! That is a big difference. When I told my mom about cuttting myself, she didn't freak out like I thought she would. Tell me some more about your mom...What is her personality like...patient,calm,hyper, does she easily anger? I' m asking out of concern. It is good to have someone as a support system...a friend. I have someone, Tim, he listens unconditionally,and calls me on the phone every night. He doesn't judge me even after i have si...he li,es me for who I am...not what I do to myself. You seem to be dealing with alot of issues... bulima being one of them...have you ever thought about seeing someone for counselling, it is really helpful to have someone to vent your feeling to. A psychologist can also helpypu and everyone else with this problem, to learn new positive ways to cope, instead of hurting yourself. You may want tpo read the book "cutting" by Steven levenson or something like that . It is a very informative book that my psychologist is having me read. My mom is also going to read it ater I am done. Well' I gotta go the library is going to close.

Talk to you soon'

Gianna

Re: Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by Sara on Sun Jun 18 21:23:56 2000 (#165)

Gianna- Your message was touching and helpful. I am defiantely going to write back a response to you, I just don't have time right now, but I wanted to post real fast and tell you to please look for another response in a few days. Thank you so much-

~Sara~

Re: Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by Sara on Wed Jun 21 14:53:51 2000 (#180)

Gianna and Anyone Else Reading This- Thank you so much for your message, it was beautiful and held a lot of information I needed to know. I realize now that it all boils down to patience with my scars......I know they'll heal, I jsut don't know when. The thing that makes me so mad is, I AM 13 YEARS OLD!!!!!! I shouldn't have to DO this now!!! I just cut myself on Father's Day again.....3 times on my leg and twice on my wrist. The cuts on my wrist weren't bad enogh to be dangerous, but it scares me to think back.......if I had more courage, I would be dead right now. My mom is a delicate person to handle. She doesn't anger EASILY, I guess, but when she gets mad, she tears the roof down on your head. She has been treated for clinical depression for a good 15 years, and I think she blames herself for my problems. Ever since she found out, she asks me "WHY do you do it? Is it because of me?" and a whole bunch of other questions that I just refuse to answer. My mom forced me to talk to someone......the deal was that I would go, but only ONE TIME. I went in there, hated the guy, and told him to screw off. He was wrong about everything, he didn't understand what I tried to explain, and tried to block out how upset I was to be sitting in his office. I have been described MANY times as a rebel....I'm not at all afraid to go against the system. Most people trust doctors, hospitals, medicine, THERAPISTS......I don't. I WON'T. All going to that appt. did was succeed in making me feel totally insane. I did get Steven Levenkron's book. He is my favorite author. I plan to read it and learn from it.

Thank You,

~Sara~

Re: Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by blue rose on Wed Jun 21 22:06:22 2000 (#183)

You remind me of myself when I was 13. I DID NOT want to go and get help. I cried and yelled at my mom and she made the same deal with me. Just go once. So I went once and told the lady to go fuck herself and that I could take care of myself. Now, I am 18 and I sicerely wish I would have given it a chance. Maybe it would have done some good to get some help before I was so stubborn and set in my ways like I am now. If nothing else, take this advise. Give it a chance. Save yourself from all the pain that will inevitably come if you don't. Pride isn't worth it.

Re: Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by Sara on Sat Jun 24 03:42:23 2000 (#198)

Blue Rose- Thank you for all your advice, I do appreciate it, and I have considered what you said. Your story does sound a lot like mine, but I still am set in my ways. I have always been this way.....I remember when I was little, adults would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never knew, but I made it a point to tell them that I WASN'T going to work in a hospital for ANYTHING. I didn't want to be associated with "those people who screw up lives." And I realize now, as a very mature 13 year old, that I haven't changed my mind. I still believe that a therapist could only make me worse, because I would be stuck in an office with someone I didnt' know, pouring my heart out and crying. The only reason I am still alive is because I am able to work AROUND the cutting and the bulimia, I am able to keep busy and move on with my life. Sitting in that office, talking about everything......it would bring it all back to me, make me remember the pain......and I think it would make me worse.

Re: Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by gianna on Thu Jun 22 02:29:36 2000 (#186)

Dear sara, Hi Gianna, here. It was so good to hear from you and on such a positive note. I am sorry to hear that you cut your self on fathers day,that makes me feel sad, because I know from experience how much it hurts. Well, I also cut myself this month 6 times, 6/2,3,8,11,16 &17/00 I surely hope it doesn't happen again. I have a dr's appointment on Wed.6/28/00,and I just know that she will be upset with me. My fam.dr. doesnot understand the si. thing, but at least I am becoming informed about it and reading as much about it as I can. I also am learning a lot of things from my counsellour,Dianne. I had a session the other day, and we just kept on talking for 3 hrs. I found out that I cut, because I Was not made to feel that my feeling and thoughts we important. Every one has a little girl inside of them and she has somthing to say. Sometimes it can be painful and others it vcan be freeing, I cut when I don't want to hear what she has to say,cus it is too painfull. Well, I gotta go the library is closing Write me Gianna

Re: Vivid, angry scars....
Posted by Sara on Sat Jun 24 03:52:06 2000 (#199)

Gianna- Yes I have heard of that before, when people cut to hide what they are thinking, or to let out inside emotions without saying them. I believe it is a very legitimate reason, as all of us have something to say, but we know how hard it is to find someone to listen. For me, it's a matter of it being easier to say "LOOK AT THIS CUT!" than to say "PLEASE LISTEN TO ME." Please write me, ~Sara~ P.S. Some bad news. I've had a relapse in my bulimia. I've begun throwing up again, and I dont' know what to do. I hadn'd done it in over 2 months, but now I'm back to where I started.

I have a problem....
Posted by Kate on Fri Jun 16 00:29:54 2000 (#136)

I have problem, I finally confided in someone about my cutting. We haven't been friends for very long but we were having a discussion about it and she figured out that I was cutting myself. I trust her but she asked me not to cut until she sees me again. I am having a hard time waiting. I also don't want to burden her with my problems.

Re: I have a problem....
Posted by Miara on Fri Jun 16 14:51:52 2000 (#141)

Kate, I think it's always good to be able to confide in friends, but if you're having a hard time waiting, I would call your friend for some words of encouragement. I've never tried to quit cutting, so my words are not from experience. I know how it is when you think you are burdening other people with your problems. I have alot of guilt from that also. But the way I try to look at it is that if you would help this friend out, if she were going through the same thing, more than likely she cares for you too.

Re: I have a problem....
Posted by Kate on Fri Jun 16 17:11:26 2000 (#142)

I guess your right I would help anyone who cut. But it is still hard not to feel guilty about everything. I think this is why we cut because we are punishing ourselves for something.

Look at this!
Posted by a friend on Fri Jun 16 02:33:44 2000 (#138)

Revelation 3:20-21 Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. To him the overcometh will I grant to wit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.

Re: Look at this!
Posted by Lost on Fri Jun 16 19:13:11 2000 (#143)

Ok, I'm not religous. I don't believe in god.

Lost
Posted by a friend on Fri Jun 16 20:27:41 2000 (#144)

But, Lost, He believes in you: Hebrews 4: 14-16 Seeing then that we have a great high priest, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities, but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us, therefore, come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Re: Lost
Posted by Lost on Sat Jun 17 02:10:23 2000 (#149)

You know, people saying that kind of bible shit turns me away from it even more, so guess what? YOU"RE NOT HELPING! The way I see it is... if god is so powerful, why do we all injure ourselves? because he gave us the power of FREE WILL is the answer I always get. Well guess what again! was it our free will to be abused and raped as children? No... so what was it that made the ALMIGHTY JESUS CHRIST bless us with the abuse we've suffered. answer that.

your story
Posted by Miara on Fri Jun 16 23:30:27 2000 (#145)

I am building a webpage on SI, and I'm asking for you guys to please send me your personal experiences with SI. Please send to TheGreatestPain@tropicalstorm. com

A bit about me
Posted by Joe on Sat Jun 17 00:40:18 2000 (#146)

My name is joe. i constantly cut myself with my knife and glass. i have tried suicide 3 times so far this year. i am 12 and live in somerset ( UK ), with a normalish family - stressed mum, alcoholic dad, 4 older sisters. only one of them lives at home with me, she has learning difficulties. if anyone ever need to talk, you can always e-mail me or icq me ( even if im online ) on 51880007. i enjoy helping others, and i can understand a bit of what they feel. no-one can possibly know what anyone feels completly. if anyone wants to know more, contact me. im always on the look out for potential friends. thanks for reading. ps- on the suicide discussion board, i signed myself in as KiLLeRByTE, soz bout that. just to let you all know

a bit more about me.
Posted by Joe (again) on Fri Jun 30 01:31:33 2000 (#244)

right- a bit more, iv never been diagnosed with anything like depression, but my councillors ( for what they know ) agree that i am depressed. i dont want any help. i have a lot of other "problems" that make me who i am, a few of these include, very low self-esteem, depression, SI, etc i may not appear to be depressed by the stuff i type, but that is because my only real life is on the net. i prefer talking to people if i cant see them. if other people find it hard talking, then they might want to try talking to someone on the internet. or typing something and hiding it on your computer. sometimes it helps. anyways, goodluck to everyone, thanks, hope to hear from you soon. Joe

What's it all about
Posted by Kathrine J on Sat Jun 17 00:44:13 2000 (#147)

I have been cutting since the age of 13 or 14.I'm 21 now.I have a lot of scars.I am a manic depressive and it's so hard.I don't have a job although I would love one but being this way you are not the same two days running.I do martial arts.But at the moment I feel like I'm caving in cause I have to be two different people.The person those people who train with me know is not who I am.It's so painful having to hide all the time.To have to wear a mask.I can't take it.Now I am getting higher up the belts I have to be more involved.I can't take it. It's the only thing that keeps me going but it's killing me inside.I could never let them know who I really am.It's tearing me apart.I feel so alone.I wish I could curl up and fall asleep forever.I really want to cut. I know I must not be so weak.So pathetically weak!

Re: What's it all about
Posted by Kate on Sat Jun 17 01:24:00 2000 (#148)

You are not weak. The disease makes you feel weak. Don't let this disease make you want to die. Are you trying to stop? I know how you feel I am a cutter for seven years. I am also 21. I feel pathetic. If you need to talk I am here.

Re: What's it all about
Posted by Miara on Sat Jun 17 05:03:16 2000 (#150)

Dear Katherine, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down. I think this discussion board is really good about telling people who understand how you feel. I think that most people don't understand self injurers and depressives, But i do understand and feel bad for you, but not just feelind bad for you. That's cool that you're in martial arts! I know that stuff takes alot of self-dicsipline, and just keep setting goals for yourself, and do whatever is best for YOU girl

Re: What's it all about
Posted by Kathrine J on Sun Jun 18 00:35:16 2000 (#152)

I had to write again because I can't tell you how much it meant to me that someone took the time to post a reply to my message.It means so so much and it made me feel better knowing there are others who understand.It is such a relief to get things of your chest.I didn't cut.As far as my martial arts are concerned I am thinking of packing it in for various reasons even though it changed my life and gave me a little hope.But I mustn't let it get me down.I've had the deep down now,survived and now I'm drifting.I will try not to cut but knowing all you people are here makes me feel so much safer.Sorry about the long message!P.S Hang on in there everyone and take care of yourselves.If you need to chat I'm here you can e-mail me any time.

Re: What's it all about
Posted by KathrineJ on Sun Jun 18 00:41:05 2000 (#153)

Sorry it's Kathrine again.My e-mail address was wrong. It is Littlemissche@hotmail.com. Like I said you can e-mail me any time. I'm here.

relapse
Posted by Kate on Sat Jun 17 15:50:19 2000 (#151)

I totally relapsed last night. I got into an agrument with my sister and saw the guy that I'm in love with his really bitchy girlfriend. Who hates me even though she doesn't know anything about my feelings for my friend. I promised the one person that knows I cut that i wouldn't until I see her. I didn't see her last night at the bar so I cut. I can't stop.

Re: relapse
Posted by blue rose on Sun Jun 18 07:28:27 2000 (#154)

I can't either. I thought I was done but apparantly I'm not. I'm stuck in this trap right along with you. I used to love the scars, now I hate them. They are a constant reminder of how weak I am. I wish I could help you. I wish I could help me.

P.S. I'm sorry about my last message. I took 30 asprin and cut up my arm. Then I fell asleep for a couple days. I was doing so well, too. I'm okay now, well, for now.

Re: relapse
Posted by odessa on Sun Jun 18 12:01:27 2000 (#155)

I totally know where both of you guys are coming from, this morning, my mom started bitching at me, so i ran upstairs and carved the word "stupid" in my ankle...She makes me feel so stupid...

Re: relapse
Posted by Kate on Sun Jun 18 17:11:38 2000 (#160)

I have the same relationship with my dad. IN fact he is what triggered this whole thing. I love my parents but sometimes he makes things worse. Does your mom know about the cutting? Are you guys close? Is there somewhere else you can live? Talk to me anytime if you want.

Re: relapse
Posted by odessa on Sun Jun 18 19:44:14 2000 (#163)

my whole family knows about my cutting, and they're all trying to be supportive, as long as i'm trying to quit. they don't understand though, you can't JUST quit. i'd go crazy if i didn't cut myself even occasionally, it's the only way i know how to let out all the the tension and pain i'm feeling. my mom told me if she saw anymore cuts, she'd send me to an inpatient treatment center. so, i cut where she won't see.

Re: relapse
Posted by Kate on Sun Jun 18 17:08:58 2000 (#159)

At least you want to quit. I am not sure I do at all. You scared me before I know this sounds bad but I thought you were gone for good. I don't know you at all, where your from or even your name so I could find you to see if you were alive. I didn't want to tell anyone because it is your private life. Good to see you back. Talk to me anytime.

big problem
Posted by odessa on Sun Jun 18 12:11:45 2000 (#156)

Ok, to start, i've been cutting myself for probably about a year now...it used to be a every day thing, up until i've started taking zoloft. i still hate myself the same, and think that i deserve it as much as ever, but i can't bring myself to do it.--except--and here is the big problem--that time of the month. every month i want to kill myself...seriously, and sometimes i try. i've gotten to the point where i can control my cutting, except for that time of the month...and i really don't want it to be like that my whole life...do you guys think midol would help? or is this something i'm going to have to deal with forever?

Re: big problem
Posted by Kate on Sun Jun 18 17:16:05 2000 (#161)

Oh my god, we are the same person. I have the same problem. My sister and mom know about how angry and depressed I get. I also feel suicidal and cut more every month. My sister said I should go on the pill. I guess it is supposed to help. You might want to try midol to see if it helps but you might need something stronger. This is normal what you are experiencing. talk to your psychologist or doctor. Please be careful. Let me know what works. Don't give in.

Re: big problem
Posted by odessa on Sun Jun 18 19:38:27 2000 (#162)

hey, thanx for the support, this is so awesome to meet somebody who knows exactly where i'm at and can see it from my view. hey, if you want to email me to talk or whatever, feel free.

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