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Threads 1326 to 1350

possibly triggering
Posted by Taeriel on Sat Sep 7 10:38:36 2002 (#6435)

All of a sudden the weeks slip away
and dimly you notice that you're falling with them
in snatches of daylight and moments of thought
your silence breaks the static and then gets swallowed again

Then try as you might you can't find a handle
to get a grip on yourself and hold everything down
and your life goes on rushing downstream in fragments
until everything's rewound and replayed and rewound
and you can't shake the feeling you're falling in tune

And then it dawns on you you're in way too deep
and you're falling and spinning and altered and lost
and somehow you wonder why nobody's noticed
why none of you're friends has said a thing
and everyone thinks you're talking in riddles
when you tell them that somehow you can't seem to remember
when last it was you noticed that you were alive

Re: possibly triggering
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 20:25:09 2002 (#6443)

speechless. awed. shaken to the core.... Dawn

Cowboy Junkies, lyrically amazing, beautiful......
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Sep 7 12:28:42 2002 (#6436)

This street holds its secrets like a cobra holds its kill,
This street minds its business like a jailer minds his jail,
That house there is haunted, that door's a portal to hell,
This street minds its secrets very well.

That man wears his skin like a dancer wears her veils,
That man stalks his victim like a cancer stalks a cell,
That man's soul has left him his hearts as deadly as a rusty nail,
That man sheds his skin like a veil.

Lord you play a hard game you know we follow every rule,
Then you take the one thing we thought we'd never lose,
All I ask is if she's with you please keep her warm and safe,
And if its in your power please purge the memory of this place.

This life holds its secrets like a seashell holds the sea,
Soft and distant, calling a faded memory,
This life has its victories,
But its defeats tear so viciously,
This life holds its secrets like the sea.

Re: Cowboy Junkies, lyrically amazing, beautiful..
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 20:20:56 2002 (#6442)

Wow, you certainly have a way with words.
<3 always
Dawn

Re: Cowboy Junkies, lyrically amazing, beautiful..
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Sep 8 19:40:11 2002 (#6454)

gorgeous. is it a song?? sorry to sound stupid but i've never heard of them. I'd love to hear their stuff though.... love you. x

Cowboy Junkies=Band, albumn=black eyed man *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Sep 10 17:24:21 2002 (#6480)

My head hurts so bad/ flashbacks
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 21:02:32 2002 (#6445)

I am beginning to think it might be a bad tooth. the side of my head and cheek bones hurts terribly, especially when I eat something of drink something cold. While drinking something warm eases the pain and increased methadone doesn't. Good thing I see my dentist on Tuesday. Say prayers for me please.

While visiting some of my late step-dads friends or family when I was around 15 this guy about mine or my sister's ages he suggested we play strip poker. Twila left the scene, but I was good at cards and dismised the strip part of his question just like I dismissed all hints of that nature. It simply wasn't my nature to consider anything said about sex or stripping to be written in stone. I alway told myself they didn't really mean it. But this guy not only meant it stripped me physically even when I won hands and I was a paralized robot like always.

Now as Paul and I walk around our neighborhoon in the evenings I've been having flashbacks when I look up at upstairs windows. It didn't involve sexual intercouse so I have dismissed it as being something awlful lklj; damn what is wrongwith me?

It was awlful. It was traumatic It was sexual. He touched my breasts. What can I do to stop the parade of scenes in my mind of all the times something sexual was done to me.

I just want to cutmy body up so I can be free to walk in peace. Do you understand?

Re: My head hurts so bad/ flashbacks
Posted by She on Sat Sep 7 21:35:18 2002 (#6450)

Dawn
((((((huggle))))
I had some really awfull LSD flash backs a few monthes ago and i know how scary it is especially when you can realate it to something negitive that has happend in your life .Im not sure if there is a way of stopping them but be VERy carefull where you go try not to be alone outside to often because you often here horroh stories of people having flash backs while crossing a road or driving ect .
My thourghts are with you at the moment Please please stay safe if you want to talk im ALWAYS here for you .
Loads of love
She

Re: My head hurts so bad/ flashbacks
Posted by Taeriel on Sun Sep 8 13:14:10 2002 (#6453)

Cutting is freedom, something to think about and occupy my mind so that everything else can't take a hold.
I hope your tooth feels better soon.
Love Taeriel

HOW DO YO GET TO THE NEW BOARD?
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 21:08:52 2002 (#6446)

I wish there was a link I could click on like the journals link some of you put on. When I tried I got this board and I left the guy that does this board a message and have not heard anything from him about it. If you can get the link to me email it to my addy or do it here Thanks

Re: HOW DO YO GET TO THE NEW BOARD?
Posted by She on Sat Sep 7 21:29:53 2002 (#6448)

http://www.psyke.org/forum
Here you go :) .
I dohnt think theres a link on it sometimes my computer dose the like thingy but it dosent allways so hopefullt it will work.
Love you
She

THANKS TO RHONDA I GOT CONNECTED *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sat Sep 7 21:35:02 2002 (#6449)

What flashbacks are and aren't TRIGGERING
Posted by Dawn on Sun Sep 8 19:51:14 2002 (#6455)

First off flashbacks for abuse and rape is unlike drug flashbacks because they make you actually re live moments or experiences as if they are happening for the first time. And because of my history even words become triggers.
For instance my ex used to use vasolene to help him get his rocks off. One day he came out of the bathroom with the bottle hanging off his penis then he ordered me to have sex with him and he tore open my stitches from one of my surgeries. To him it was fun. To me it was a horror I can't seem to shake. And today I was checking my email and there was some ecard joke about many uses of vasolene and immediately I was back in the room seeing my ex come out the bathroom with the vasolene again. Sometimes I can turn my head and somewhat stop the rest of that traumatic rape before it become too physical and makes it where I can feel him inside me, hurting me, him not listening to my pleas for him to stop, the ripping of my stitches, and actually hearing my inner voice saying "it will be over soon... hang on just a few minutes longer" and on and on it goes supporting me the only way it could back then by helping me to remember it would be over soon I could wait a few minutes longer.
That is what my flashbacks are. To some people it can be a smell that takes them back in time to their own traumatic event.

She is right... focusing soley on cutting it one way of coping but if I cut every time I had a flashback I would be covered with fresh wounds. Because when you've been sexually abused by over 100 people many who violated me more than once it is all consuming. Some days I may have 2 flashback but generally I have 6-10 everyday. I've learned that if I acknowdege them and talk to Paul about it then they aren't too traumatic. It really helps me to see that it was not my fault. That I was overpowered either by the person or by memories of other rapes. Talking about it helps more than anything. And I am at a place now that I don't cut every time I have one. I am freed by the simple act of telling my side of the story whether people believe me or not. I know the truth. That given a choice I would not have "let them rape me" I didn't let them. I was convinced that I could not win and that fighting would only increase the harm done to me. didn't want to be beat up or killed so I quit resisting. Quiting fighting is not giving them permission it is saving myslef from further harm. That is all. It is rape even when I gave up.
I'm sorry for being so descriptive and exposing anyone reading to my trauma. I just need for you all to understand what I live with daily. It was not said to traumatize the reader or to offend anyone. I believe I have a unique ability to freely discuss what has happened to me because I've learned that talking about what happened to me helps others to recognize that that had been violated and that the things in their past could very well be rape or molestation as well. Anyone can talk to me abou what happened to them and they are not going to punished. I believe victims. I am not in anyway harmed by discussing about sex abuse. It doesn't cause me trauma or flashbacks and even if it did it would be ok because I am not going to kill myself or harm myself over flashbacks like I used to do. I'm stronger now. So if somebody needs to tell somebody I'm a very good listener. email me anytime... love dawn

my past lives...
Posted by The Ghooul on Mon Sep 9 02:24:04 2002 (#6458)

It seems to me this is a place where you shoulden't fear to write about things like that. Everyone here knows pain. I thank you for your strength to increace my understanding. I was never raped (Phisicaly) But I was badly abused.

"I should write a book about my past lives..."
-Band:Too Much Joy

The ghooul
(Christopher)

Re: What flashbacks are and aren't TRIGGERING
Posted by Taeriel on Mon Sep 9 07:26:42 2002 (#6462)

Feel free to write what you want, whenever you want.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
I can relate.
Take care
love Taeriel

Re: What flashbacks are and aren't TRIGGERING
Posted by She on Mon Sep 9 17:30:12 2002 (#6469)

Dawn thankyou so so much for sharing that with us i really appreciate it :). The flash backs i had were realated to the man who raped me however im fairly sure that they were to do with the LSD I was useing so it is my fault i suffered from them .
My thourghts are with you
Loads of love
She

new board?? i have some questions
Posted by *me* on Sun Sep 8 23:37:30 2002 (#6457)

What is this whole registering thing? Someone who has registered, please tell me what you have to do. A lot of you know that I'm a bit paranoid about giving away information. One of the reasons I first came to this board is because there was no registration process. What are the cookie things that the registration terms were talking about? Help!! Any info would be appreciated.

Re: new board?? i have some questions
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 9 07:02:49 2002 (#6461)

I know about as much as you do. I did complete the reg. process but I didn't have all the answers either. I must have done something right because I got registered. I haven't used it yet. If you find out anything tell me ok... Dawm

Re: new board?? i have some questions
Posted by Morten Wulff on Mon Sep 9 09:22:43 2002 (#6464)

The new board requires registration to make it easier to control who has access to it -- if somebody chooses to post something abusive, we have a way of keeping them from posting for a period of time.

The email address is needed to send out your password upon registration and to email your password, should you forget it.

The cookies are used to store session information on your computer. This way the board can highlight the messages you haven't read yet.

When you register, you only have to give a username, a valid e-mail adress and a password. All other fields are optional.

If you have any further questions, please let me know.

Love,

wulff

Re: new board?? i have some questions
Posted by rick on Mon Sep 9 12:58:27 2002 (#6465)

Hey Me,

I'm kind of into computers. I don't know if this helps, but the minimum amount of information that is required to register does not compromise your identity.

Theoretically, you can be traced back by your e-mail address through your internet service provider. However, this takes a court order and is pretty unlikely unless you do something illegal.

Hope this helps.

Rick

I'm new to the board
Posted by Susan on Mon Sep 9 04:31:12 2002 (#6459)

Hi,

my name is Susan.I am 26 yrs old.I have Depression and Bipolar.I am currently on a lot of meds.I just wanted to share with you a little about myself.

When i was a teenager,i stabbed myself in my stomache with a butcher knife and i just wanted to die.I had to have surgery also.I did try suicide a dozen times but it wouldn't work.And i am sorta glad that it didn't.I did overdose on pills a couple times too.

I was going through rough times here at home and at school as well.I did not have that many friends.People just wouldn't accept me for who i am.
Last night my parents were fighting and i almost took a bottle of pills.i am glad that my mom took the bottle away from me.She saved my life.Because i was really shaky last night and i was on the edge of really wanting to die.But i am ok now.

I hope that i did come to the right message boards for support.I hope that there is a lot of support on this board! Well,just wanted to share my story with you.

From,Susan

Re: I'm new to the board
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 9 06:58:37 2002 (#6460)

Hi Susan, I'm Dawn. I am 50 years old and want to say welcome to the board. I am a cutter. I started cutting my arms with scissors in 1988 when I had a nervous breakdown and began remembering sexual abuse and rapes that started when I was in diapers with my father or an uncle and you might say I was programed for abuse after that. So now I'm working with a counselor to write a new script for the rest of my life.

Everyone is welcome here. My diagnoses is Depression, Post-traumatic-stress disorder, anxiety disorder and borderline. I too have attempted suicide. The first time was with my anti-depressants. Other times was with my car, sometimes on slick and icy roads. Thn a drunk did me a favor one night and plowed my parked car and totaled it. The next one I bought died 3 weeks after I bought it and I've been car less since 1988 which is probably a good thing because I know depression and driving is not a good mix.

I live in Salem, Oregon and have a few email buddies I've met on here that have lasted for alm a couple of years now. You too can email me if you would like and maybe I can be of help. Love and hugs...Dawn

Re: I'm new to the board
Posted by Taeriel on Mon Sep 9 07:30:40 2002 (#6463)

Hi there. My name is Taeriel (due to strange hippie parents) and I'm 22. I'm rather messed up in the head, but its something I don't talk about. I come hear to feel I'm not alone in my pain, to share thoughts, and support others. You'll feel very welcome here.
Love Taeriel

Re: I'm new to the board
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Sep 9 13:58:28 2002 (#6467)

hey susan! welcome to the board! im sorry youve had such a hard life but still glad youve found us! i post as AstrangerTomyself on the new board by the way.............hope the board helps you

hugs,
donna x

Re: I'm new to the board
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Sep 10 02:36:05 2002 (#6474)

Hi Susan,
Welcome!! I come here to post because my daughter used to cut and she had, or still has,
depression. With therapy and medication, she has
all but overcome it and I'm very proud of her. I
have made so many friends here and I'm sure you
will also. Please feel free to email me if you
ever want to talk or anything like that. There are
so many good people here who I know will be able
to listen and maybe even help you out somewhat.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

oh bugger!
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Sep 9 13:56:29 2002 (#6466)

im gunna miss this freaking board...i prefer this one.......ohhh.......ah well ill get used to the change i guess..

Re: oh bugger!
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Sep 9 14:00:51 2002 (#6468)

hehe meee again....im talknig to myself now just ignore me.....

........ but i do like those smiley faces, the emoticons (irght?) they are sooo coooool! sorry im really giddy. no idea why.....

Re: oh bugger!
Posted by She on Mon Sep 9 17:32:11 2002 (#6470)

YEah im gonna miss thisboard to its helped me through some pritty crap times but so thhhhaaaannkkkyouuuu this bored AND the other bord I will miss you muchly .
Thankyou
She

Re: oh bugger!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Sep 9 21:16:40 2002 (#6471)

me too!!!!!! i missed the board i first came to too but I suppose we get used to everything in the end don't we? love you guys

CHANGE IS ALWAY HARD for many people
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 9 22:48:57 2002 (#6472)

I went to the board and posted but it seems that the posts I read were not as open as they are here. It is like people practice their poetry and songs lirics. I hope the novelty will wear off soon and people will share their thoughts and feelings more readily.
Just my take on it. I'm weird so what can I say.

Re: CHANGE IS ALWAY HARD for many people
Posted by Taeriel on Tue Sep 10 11:17:04 2002 (#6477)

Yeah, I agree. This board seems more open - I think the lay out is better. Maybe we just need to get used to it.

MY LIFE HAS BEEN HARD BUT RECOVERY IS BETTER
Posted by Dawn on Mon Sep 9 23:31:55 2002 (#6473)

I am so glad I had my mental breakdown. I may have married another person and would have killed him if he did anything Bob and the others had. Now I am better than I thought I ever would be in as far back as 1996. I was a mess. I'm not such a mess now and I owe it all to God and the gift he gave me of his love for me. I have such an assurance that He Loves me that I can look at all aspects of my life with openness and not shame. Jesus took my shame away.

I have done drugs. LSD, pot, beanies, pot with stuff in it. I have also had trouble shoplifting for nearly 40 years. It was so ingrained in me that it didn't matter. But now it does matter. And it is a hard habit to break but the first step is admitting to yourself that there is a problem and asking God for help.

Another problem I have is credit cards. Over spending is a big problem with me. I probably have way too much credit for my own good. And what is really bad is I don't care. If I get it too high that I can't make the payment what are they going to do to me. They can't touch my money and they can't put me in jail and if they tried I'd probably kill myself before that would happen.

I am mentally ill and I know that now. And I am ok with it. Because it keeps me home where I feel the safest. My past dominate my every move. I am constantly on guard so that I am not raped any more. I know now that I will go to the police if it happens again. But I am very afraid that I will kill if I have to because I am not going to be a passive victim again. I will fight to the death if I can. I just do not want it to happen anymore. No more....... I'm crying now. But tears are ok. Tears are not my enemy. Sex is. But I have really had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

Today is hard and I do not know why. I guess I do not need a reason to feel like crap. I know. My new credit card company didn't ok my cataloge order that came to $295. And it has bummed me out. Boo hoo. NOT I am actually relieved it is too stressful having the credit I have with the income I have of $545 a month. I don't need to have any credit to tell the truth. But it is nice having things like clothes, tv, vcr, web unit they make living doable. If is gets to stressful I cut to feel better. I've been thinking I might do it today I guess that is why I've been typing so much so that I don't cut. So much for me. I'll let you know if I win this battle with myself as to whether I cut or not. I kinda think I will to get the idea out of my head. It helps so much. But then you all know that... Dawn :(

Re: MY LIFE HAS BEEN HARD BUT RECOVERY IS BETTER
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Sep 10 02:40:05 2002 (#6475)

Let me know how you're doing Dawn. You know how
much I love you. Take care and be careful.
Love ya lots and lots,
Rhonda

Hard is all I know
Posted by Taeriel on Tue Sep 10 11:19:43 2002 (#6478)

I don't even think about trying to get better. I'm just trying to survive. So I'm very proud of you Dawn. Keep it up and stay strong.
Love Taeriel

e-journal
Posted by Sharon on Tue Sep 10 05:46:17 2002 (#6476)

Hey guys,

I've been keeping an e-journal over the summer. Mostly on anorexia and depression and cutting. Some of it's stupid and random like the time I went completely out of my head and gave a whole feministic rant . . . or when I thought I was in love when it was something less great and more ordinary . . . but most of it's pretty true to form and it's stuff that I don't have time/energy to post here too. I don't know, no one's obligated to read, obviously. I just thought some people may be able to relate. Anyway, here's the link: http://disordered me.easyjournal.com

hugs,

Sharon

Psyke.org Update - Phase 2
Posted by Morten Wulff on Tue Sep 10 12:36:58 2002 (#6479)

I have finally uploaded a new version of Psyke.org.

Updates include lots of new stories and poems, lots of new pictures and a big collection of annotated links.

There are still a few details to sort our -- e.g. the archive breaks the layout in some places -- this will be fixed in a couple of days.

This also means that I would _really_ appreciate it if you would start using the new forum (http://www.psyke.org/forum/).

I have added a text-only style to the new forum which makes it as fast to navigate at this forum (change forum style by going to the 'Profile' page on the new forum).

If you have any questions or suggestions regarding the new forum or the new site, please contact me at: wulff@psyke.org

I look forward to hearing your comments on the new site and content.

Love,

Morten Wulff

By By old board, I'm gonna miss you SOOOOOOO much! *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Sep 10 17:26:08 2002 (#6481)

I use to cut
Posted by <3M<3 on Tue Sep 10 22:30:09 2002 (#6482)

I use to be a regular attender of this web site a few months ago. I stopped because I was put into a hospital because my cutting got so bad. I had to get 25 stitches and spent 2 months in a mental health clinic.
I want to offer help to anyone who wants it because I have over come this powerful addicition. I know what it's like, I've been in your shoes, and I know what I am talking about because I have personally experience the pain.
A little bit about myself first-- I'd rather not give my name because many of you may still remember me. But I just turned 18 in Sept., I'm a math education/ phychology major, and and I live in the United States. I use to cut for a little over a year. My scars are very noticable because I needed stitches for many of them, but was always afraid to come forward. I always wear long sleeve including in the summer. I still struggle with wanting to cut, but I know that every time I say no to the temptation, I grow stronger and so can you.
Enough about me... I want to be of any help that I can be. If you need advice, a friend, or just a person to unload on, I will try my best to help. If anyone is still reading this, and would like to know more please respond to this and leave me some way that I can contact you. I have aol instant messanger, msn instant messanger, and email. Or we can just go back and forth on here. I am not a qualitfied phychologist, but I hope to be one someday. I truly long to reach out to all cutters someday, and this is just a start. I hope to start a web page soon of just my experiences as a cutter and the stories that led up to cutting. Again if I can help at all PLEASE respone to this. Yours Truly <3M<3

WOW! its still here! *NM*
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Sep 12 16:58:37 2002 (#6484)

Bye bye wonderfull bored
Posted by She on Thu Sep 12 19:38:02 2002 (#6485)

Im gonna miss you man you were so good to as all .
Thankye muchly
She