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Threads 1176 to 1200

i did it again...
Posted by chez on Sat Aug 10 03:18:46 2002 (#5647)

i did it...I cut myself again.....
but since my boyfriends back....I did it on my thumb. so if he asks anything....I can easily make up crap for it.....gosh Im so stupid.....Im feeling so shakry for some reason....I feel like crap.....I want to end it all......why did I cut myself.....but when I did...I felt at ease....thats so ridiculous......I cant stop.....
he's gonna be gone again.....man...I can just see what my arms gonna look like then.....I feel like crap.......................... .....

Re: i did it again...
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 10 03:41:01 2002 (#5649)

I'm sorry for the let down. Even I run to my scissors for comfort and control when things in life pummels me with memories that never die. And like you when I do the effect is soon empty and my depression worse than before, because it leaves ugly scars and although I do not have to make up excuses (boy am I lucky I do not have to make up lies to answer people's eyes) I simply tell the truth (I had a bad day, or a moment of madness). But I know that empty feeling that trails behind SI. Its always there. Just hovering in the air, because it only distracts us from the pain inside us momentarily, and then the pain comes back.

Re: i did it again...
Posted by Jamie on Sat Aug 10 07:02:56 2002 (#5654)

chez-
i'm actually glad that you're worried about what you're boyfriend will do, think, or say when he sees an unexplainable cut...i know how that feels...its hard to fight down the urge, but it is atleast a reason not to, i've refrained from cutting because of what it does to my boyfriend and it really helps..but i'm kinda stuck where you are (sorta) my boyfriend just went out of town, and hes trying to get me to go a month w/out cutting but i cut real bad last night!! i'm so worried about the look i'll see on his face when he gets back, i hate letting him down..wow i think i got off subject
luv jamie

I'm confused
Posted by Somber_eyez on Sat Aug 10 06:03:03 2002 (#5650)

ok, so I went to see my shrink, and she was asking me about my cutting, and I told her how may times and stuff, but she stopped me and asked me if I cleaned my cuts. I was like of course yea, i don't want to die. She was like, that is what confuses me. She was like, you clean your cuts, and you get your tetnus regular, I'm confused at why you do a self destructive behavior, yet you clean up after it. Can anyone help me understand this?? PLEEZ!!!

Tiff

I know why
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 10 06:35:30 2002 (#5652)

We feel bad and our feelings are not logical, they just are.

I considered the same concept year ago. I live with chronic clinical depression, and I have borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress disorder all of which effects my mood and thought process. Emotional pain scream at me and my thinking process says "Its too much, kill yourself," but my brain sorts out that I do not want to be dead. I just want the emotional pain to go away. So I cut on my arm and get a few minutes peace so that I am not bombarded with thoughts of suicide. And I meticulously clean my wounds and take care of them because I do not want to die and be dead, I just want to be free of pain. Therefore a dirty wound becomes an enemy with deadly results. A clean wound means I stay in control of when and how I die, should I take that route. It doesn't have to be logical. It is just how it goes.
Hope that helpd... love and hugs Dawn

Re: I know why
Posted by murie on Sat Aug 10 11:56:15 2002 (#5659)

for me, cleaning & dressing my wounds myself & then getting medical treatment was all part of my motivation as to why i hurt myself in the first place. It was part of my illusion of control & also a way for me to "be my own caregiver" and "look after myself & give myself some empathy" (Even though the frequency & addiction aspect nearly cost me my life, many times & took me to some really low places) It was like I wasn't at peace with myself so I had to beat myself up on the outside, to escape from beating myself up on the inside.

Re: I'm confused
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 10 19:24:43 2002 (#5664)

Tara always cleaned her cuts up because she
didn't really want to die. She just wanted to get
away from emotional pain and making herself hurt
physically was her way of doing that.Her therapist
asked her if she cleaned her cuts also and she said yes. All he said was, "good, make sure you
clean them real good and put antibiotic ointment
on them." I guess he knew the cutting wasn't about
killing herself, but emotional pain. He was a very
good therapist. Anyway, that's the only thing I
can think of. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

My granddaughter is coming
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 10 06:23:20 2002 (#5651)

Darian, my 7 years old grandaughter, who is turning 8 next month will here for 1 week. So I may not be online while she is here. Then again I may need to post because I cannot cut. and Oh, I have this wound on my arm. I guess I have a reason to hide it after all. It isn't because I'm ashamed of it. My kids and granddaughter know I cut. Sadly to say, Darian has grown up with my cutting. But her mother may not like leaving her with me if she sees it, plus I do not know what her bf knows about my cutting. and He and his kids who are younger than Darian will be bring Darian up. So
now I need to not make waves because I really love Darian, and want to let her see that grandma is better.

It is so weird. I forgot I had the wound on my arm. It was a single episode of grief and shock. Now the wound will speak of it for a long time. I don't want my body to be a signpost of mental illness.

With Darian here I will HAVE TO BE NORMAL. I have to be UP and as happy as I can be for a whole week. Do you grasp how much pressure that is.

Yes I guess you all do. You kids that are living at home understand that better than I do. And the rest of you who aren't living with your parents know how it is because you have to play the I'M OK bit to go through the days working and conducting other business to support yourself. I've never had to do that. I used to just get high and worry about my exhusbands drinking and driving. Then I had to worry where he was so I could judge how drunk he was. For 16 yers I had to stress over that very important question.

Now I just live my life dealing with my past and present alone. Thank God I know have Paul and I do not have to worry about those kinds of issues. I just have to deal with Me. And my mental health is a BIG issue that takes my full attention. Now for 1 week I have to entertain a little girl and be happy. She will be here so I will be happy. I do not have to pretend about that. Its real. Gee and to think its been over a year since I first started being a resident board member here. Well I know its going to be a fun week. I just have to figure out how to keep a little girl entertained for a week. That shouldn't be that hard I think.

Any one got any clues for things to do. My only idea is the carosal in the park downtown, and videos, oh yeah and coloring book and crayons (I have those) any other idea?

It is good to know you all are here for me if it gets too hard. Have a good week...:)Dawn

Re: My granddaughter is coming
Posted by Jamie on Sat Aug 10 06:54:57 2002 (#5653)

hey dawn,
maybe if you looked at it as a type of therapy...being with your granddaughter..and just soaking up how great it is to be that young..and to have a future ahead of her..sometimes being with kids..seeing them play and be happy can make you smile, i'll pray for you, i hope you can make it through the week!
luv jamie

Same name
Posted by Somber_eyez on Sat Aug 10 08:24:27 2002 (#5656)

That is so weird, my little cousins name is Darian, and she is 8, and she is here visiting me now too. Whoa, that's kool. Stay safe!

Tiff

Re: My granddaughter is coming
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 10 19:12:51 2002 (#5661)

Hey friend,
Here's a few ideas. Play some games with her. There are all kinds of games to play with a 7
year old. I wish I would have know sooner, I have
several games that are for her age. Also, you might think about lettting her make some cookies
or a cake or something like that. She's old enough to be in the kitchen with your help. Some
of my daycare kids just love to help me out at lunchtime. The kids also like being read to. If
she gets read to on a regular basis, she will
probably love reading as she grows up. That's all
I can think of right now. If I think of anything else, I'll email you. I lite my little lamp you
sent me. It's soooooo pretty with all those colors in it!! Thanks again! Talk to ya later
buddy. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: My granddaughter is coming
Posted by she on Sun Aug 11 21:50:52 2002 (#5676)

Hiya
Eeekkk yeah i can see where your coming from children seem to be very awear of things and how people are feeling but it should but wonderfull any way enjoy your week together .
Love and huggles
She

Re: My granddaughter is coming
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 13 20:16:07 2002 (#5717)

Hi Dawn! Good luck with your granddaughter. The carousel is sure to be a hit. Is where it's at like an amusement park or just a regular park? Becuause you could take her to a regular park, with swingsets and stuff, and that'd be fun. Also I agree with Rhonda, HELP HER MAKE COOKIES!! Or some type of food. Kids love to help out in the kitchen. If you have some sidewalk chalk (and you live in a place with a sidewalk or driveway) that's always fun. Swimming is fun, and even if you don't want to take her to a pool for whatever reason, running through a sprinkler is good on a hot day. Coloring is good, whether in coloring books or just on blank paper. And if you don't have crayons already or want to buy some new, they make cool crayons with glitter in them, and some have scents, and those are ALWAYS popular. OH and STICKERS. Kids LOVE stickers. If you live near a park with a pond, or near a body of water where there are birds/ducks, take her and some bread and you can go feed them. That's cool. Ummm I'm trying to think what else. That's all I can think of for now. Hope I've helped (can you tell I work with kids a lot?? lol). GOOD LUCK AGAIN!! Have fun!

still hurts
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 10 09:26:20 2002 (#5657)

I thought I was over being hurt by people I loved. I thought I was okay, I found out something tonight and Im just sitting here shaking..crying..wishing to be in another place.
Why does it still hurt?
MAKE IT GO AWAY

Im to sad to cut, or burn, or what the fuck ever I will do..
please make it go away.

kat

Re: still hurts
Posted by chez on Sat Aug 10 09:53:59 2002 (#5658)

hey there sweetie....I dont know what to say....
I know how it feels...my friend...or I thought was a friend totally trashed me....and I dont know what to say or do about it...when she found out that I SI and stuff...she just left me and the 6years we were together....
kat...I love you, your such an important person to me, and I want you to know that I will never ever leave your side for whatever reason. I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT.
take care hun, I wish I can take your pain away....
love,
michelle

Re: still hurts
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 10 19:15:16 2002 (#5662)

I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt and sad KAT. Words do hurt more than people think. I can't really tell you to just ignore them cause I know
it's almost impossible to do. Just know that you
are loved by me and a lot of other people here.
Here's a big(((((((((((((((((HUG))))))) ))))))))))
just for you. I hope you feel better soon. Please
take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: still hurts
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Aug 10 19:36:37 2002 (#5665)

I understand your pain, my friend,
Don’t think I just don’t care.
Any time you need my friend,
I’ll always be there.

I wrote that for my best friend who I never had to chance to give it to. I hope, despite the fact they're only crappy words...they at least let you know someone out there is thinking of you.

Kayleigh

Re: still hurts
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 10 20:46:04 2002 (#5670)

Kat, You are such a sweet person. That is just one of your good qualities. You have such and loving, caring heart and I hate to say this but people like us get hurt here and there throughout our lives by people with a calous heart. These people live for themselves and rarely think of others and how their words and actions affect other people. So, my dear sweet Kat, you need to rise above the pain and hurt you feel and ask God to help you forgive her.

Now don't you, or anyone else reading this, get the wrong idea. I am not saying forgive and forget. Because we have good minds and we remember hurts it seems like forever. Forgiveness is not being a doormat for people to walk on it is saying, "God this hurts really bad. But I do not want this to affect the rest of my life and I do not want to build walls around my heart so that I do not love and care for anyone else, because I know there are a lot of people out there you love me and pledge their faithfulness to me. If you will help me I will let you deal with her, and I will not hold vengeance in my heart for her."

Forgiving others frees us up to love others and for God to forgive us. It will hurt for awhile but as forgiveness grows in your heart it will give you peace. I know this because I've had to forgive a lot of people, even family members so that I can love other people; like you for example.

hang tough Kat and set your mind on all of us on the board and God will bring you another friend. Remember you cannot let this hurt stop you from holding this hurt against a new friend. Start fresh with a clean slate and a heart open to love and trust.

Remember I love you <3 always...Dawn

*Big fat trigger*
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Aug 10 19:41:23 2002 (#5666)

Do you ever feel fine...just normal and happy? Well, not happy but...numb from the usual pain?

Do you ever feel that and just want to cut? Nothing's the matter, you don't need it...you just want it.

Ever want to make your heart speed up as you watch blood appear at the surface...want to feel that sick high...a wave of psychosis that makes you laugh, cry and feel...

Ever believe that these moments...not the breakdowns and the deep depression...are the moments you're going crazy?

Cause I do. And I just wanted to know if anyone else does.

Kayleigh

Re: *Big fat trigger*
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 10 20:02:22 2002 (#5668)

I've felt a relief when I cut. But I never fell in love with the act, the blood or noticed a high. I just felt peace of some sort. It is so momentary. When I cut it is only about stopping internal pain and when I had no conscious reason I knew that there were lots of reasons inside me that piqued the desire to cut.

I think hurting oneself is sad. It is sad that we have to resort to hurting ourself to feel better if only for a moment.

Usually when my blood starts flowing its over. I do not need to cut anymore and I start the cleaning process. However, there have been plenty of times when the cut that started the blood flowing wasn't enough and I would get my scissors back out of the drawer and go at the wound again. And there have been times when the scissors came in and out of the drawer 3-4 times before I finally stopped and got myself to the hospital for stitches.

Thankfully I have Jesus Christ in my life and can turn to Him most of the time and do not cut near as often as I used too. My hope is you will come to discover there is more joy to be experienced than that "high" you get from seeing your own blood.
Stay Safe...Dawn

Re: *Big fat trigger*
Posted by Jamie on Sun Aug 11 06:02:52 2002 (#5671)

kayleigh-
i am with you on that, that's fucking EXACTLY how i feel.

Re: *Big fat trigger*
Posted by she on Sun Aug 11 21:46:40 2002 (#5675)

xx

Re: *Big fat trigger*
Posted by murie on Sun Aug 11 23:19:39 2002 (#5678)

I was addicted to SI, I think it was an illusion I told myself that it made me feel better because the last few times I have done it has been fucking awful. The experience of feeling I was going to die, in a pool of my own blood & vommit was not pleasent. Being unable to breath, sweating, stomach cramps from the shock that made me feel like I was going to shit myself too, throwing up & unable to lift my head out of a pool of blood. Hypoglycaemic shock is not a pleasent experience. Sometimes I get a tiny feeling about doing it again, but I know today that I want to live & I never want to go there again. I remind myself what it's really like.

Death
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Aug 10 19:48:17 2002 (#5667)

I heard this the other day and I thought it was beautiful...kinda off topic, but maybe it'll mean something to one of you as it has done me.

Kayleigh

There Is No Death

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship is at my side and spreads her white sails to
the morning breeze and starts out upon the ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand
and watch her until she hangs like a speck of white
cloud, just where the sea and sky come down to mingle
with each other.

Then someone at my side says, "There, she's gone."

Gone where? Gone from sight, that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and span as she
was when she left my side, and is just as able to bear
her load of living freight to the place of
destination.

Her diminished size is in me, not her. And just at
that moment, when someone at my side says, "There,
she's gone," there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other souls taking up the glad shout, "There, she
comes."

And that is dying.

By Henry van Dyke

My bf says its a great poem *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 10 20:12:24 2002 (#5669)

Re: Death
Posted by she on Sun Aug 11 21:46:13 2002 (#5674)

thats lurvley
Peace
She

my faltering future
Posted by Jamie on Sun Aug 11 06:50:06 2002 (#5672)

this isn't really on the subject of self injury, but i don't know who else to talk to..im afraid, im so afraid, all that keeps me going is the thought of being free, independent, on my own, having an incredibly fulfilling future...i've dreamed and fantasized about the incredible things i want to do when im older, because i know i was cheated, and am still being cheated out of a good childhood...i'm going to be a freshman in highschool in 17 days. i feel like ive driven myself into the ground and i'm only going downhill. i've never been motivated by parents, etc. to work hard, get good grades, i've always done it on my own, got pretty much straight A's because i want out of this place and i knew i had to work for it...ive lost the guidance of my sister and ive been floating aimlessly this summer,i've been smoking, drinking, toking, sneaking out, all that type of shit...i know im going to far with my boyfriend too (at age 14) and i quit all my sports, i used to play soccer for 9 years and then i just decided to quit..i can't make my way back on the team for highschool now, i missed tryouts, and i honestly don't want to play anyway...it's just that im so concerned that if i don't do any extracurriculars in highschool, i won't have any choices for college, and ive been dreaming about college since i was 8 years old, i want to make it the best i possibly can, finally be on my own...but im just so goddamn worried that i'll go nowhere, all because of extracurriculars..i actually convinced myself last night that i had no future...and i was ready to walk out and go lay in traffic, but i was stopped by the phone ringing. i'm just so scared that im about to lose the one thing that keeps me going (my future)..i'm not dumb, i've been on A honor roll for 3 years and i'm in honors classes....i know you're all probably thinking i have a lot going for me...but i really don't, theres so many conflicts(in my head and in my family) keeping me from succeeding...any advice on how to not be so goddamn paranoid?or anything else..im open to anything..

Re: my faltering future
Posted by LOST on Sun Aug 11 09:00:41 2002 (#5673)

girl! you sound kinda like me when i was 14. I'm 19 now... i really wanna talk to u... maybe i can give you some kind of advice or something or maybe just give u someone to talk to. e-mail me :)

every day is a new day. a fresh start
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 12 03:20:40 2002 (#5680)

I'm so old compared to you and your problems that it is hard for my to know the right words to tell you that like is not over at 14. You still have 4 years to get your act in order, and you already have a good beginning.

So ok, you've just about done it all and now your future is upon you. Just remember every day is a fresh day with a clean slate. So if you've been going too far. Stop and begin tomorrow fresh. You do not have to be perfect to go to college. And a lot of extra curriculars are many and don't get started until you are in classes. So you don't go out for sports, bigdeal. Do something else. Try being class president. You've got the brains. Just clean up your act and go for it.

If you are not hooked on drugs you can clean up pretty fast. It is your decision what you do and how you go about getting what you want. If it were me. I'd stop drugs, acohol, and SEX. That you can be late on (unless you are already prego).

It is all a matter of sorting out what you want and going after it with your whole mind and body and doing what needs to be done.

Life at 50 has an advantage over life at 14. Your hinds sight is great. One can see that one summer of fun doesn't not a future make. Children are resilliant and can get past messups easier than they think they can. Just pick yourself up from your bootstraps and go for what you want.

But if you have developed a mental disorder it will make somethings a little harder but with a lot of willpower and determination you can jump the hurdles better than I could.
You can do whatever it is you want to do, so do it with all your strength and you will be in college sooner than you thought. :-) Dawn

new e-mail address
Posted by she on Sun Aug 11 21:54:26 2002 (#5677)

hiya all
My last e.mail thing seames to have stopped working so now i have a nice new working one which my mother dosent know about (whhooo) please feel free to use it .
adress = mosca_con_incie ndo@hotmail.com
Love you all
She

I e-mailed you. Hope you get it...love and hugs:-) *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Mon Aug 12 02:56:12 2002 (#5679)

Im very sorry
Posted by KAT on Mon Aug 12 03:24:49 2002 (#5681)

to everone who I e-mail back and forth with..
Dawn
chelle
Kayleigh
Nicke
Rhonda
Ella
Im sorr and anyone else Im sorry I havent e-mailed you in a long while .I do recieve the e-mails youve sent me or have sent me in the past few weeks but I dunno whats wrong with me its like my minds blank I dunno what to say, I am really tired and dont know how to just write back im sorry. I really am. Im not tring to intentionally neglect you or anything, I guess I shouldnt put this up here but it seems like an okay place for now.
Ill try later
Im just soo fucked up right now, excuse me, one day Ill sleep 12 hours then the next day Ill sleep 4 hours on and off throughout the day..one day eat nothing the next day eat up to 2000 or more cals. its just very hard.
I know its hard for everyone right now tough
take care EEVRYONE
i love you all so much
*hugs*

KAT

Re: Im very sorry
Posted by chez on Mon Aug 12 23:50:39 2002 (#5696)

you take care of yourself too hunnie.
dont worry about it, you dont have to be sorry.
take it slow...Im praying for you.
love you lots,
chelle

Re: Im very sorry
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 13 01:43:06 2002 (#5697)

Don't worry about it KAT. Hope it doesn't bother
you if I still send funny little ecards to make
you smile. Take care of yourself sweetie and
write when YOU feel like it.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Im very sorry
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 13 03:07:17 2002 (#5705)

i hope you are feeling better just try to hang in ther xxxErryn

Re: Im very sorry
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 13 08:50:01 2002 (#5706)

Hey sweetie. there is noting to be sorry about. I know how depression makes it difficult to function. I've lived with it for years. Take care of yourself AND DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS OR THAT. You have an illness that all. When you are feeling better things will change. Love you lots :) Dawn

Re: Im very sorry
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:23:07 2002 (#5738)

I feel you ...or whatever you say in America.

I am the same...don't know what to say....

poem ~may trigger~
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 12 12:24:17 2002 (#5682)

Loneliness shudders through me
Scrapes away my self-respect
It leaves a shivering little girl
Which was the desired effect
Anger tears and rage smashes
Provoking alarm and panic
Which of course is what it wants
To leave you jumpy and manic
Your hatred burning always
Rage is fuelled by all your fears
All the times you let help pass by
The times you choked back tears
Then sadness crashes over you
Snares you in vast black surges
It infests and it taints everything
It stays no matter the purges
Numbness seeps and clogs
Perhaps it is the worst of all
Paralysed; it forces you under
Holds you hostage from every fall
It stalks your emotions silently
Then fills the hollow inside
It congests and oozes further
It leaves you no where to hide
Hope shines dimly far away
Do not look away from the light
It is your last and only escape
From the darkness of this night

Re: poem ~may trigger~
Posted by she on Mon Aug 12 17:24:12 2002 (#5686)

wow
You never fail to amazie me with your poems :).
LOve and {{{huggles}}}}}}
She

Re: poem ~may trigger~
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 13 15:17:42 2002 (#5710)

Thanx, its the first poem I've been able to write in ages!
Love Ella x

Re: poem ~may trigger~
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 13 03:06:06 2002 (#5704)

i love it it shows the truth in people i hope you are doing okay please e-mail me or post im here for you xxxErryn

:-) *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 13 08:52:54 2002 (#5707)

Re: poem ~may trigger~
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:21:56 2002 (#5737)

I am trying to hold back my tears as I read that...oh el...that was beautiful and saddening...why so sad little one????

I miss your emails hunny......

Situation at home ~UPDATE~
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Aug 12 12:27:40 2002 (#5683)

Hey
I'm still at home, but I now have money and clothes packed so if it gets too much at least I have that option. Mum keeps threatening to chuck me out for being too miserable, but when friends come round its all smiles and happy familys, so now all my friends doubt there is a problem at all. *sigh* Oh well... just thought I'd update you.
Ella x

Re: Situation at home ~UPDATE~
Posted by she on Mon Aug 12 17:36:28 2002 (#5689)

Eeeeekkkk
Its soooo anoying when families put on the smiley ohh look at as were so normal and careing.
Thinking of you loads and loads and loads
HUge huggle and love
Stay safe
She~b

Re: Situation at home ~UPDATE~
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Aug 12 19:53:40 2002 (#5693)

hey angel. i know how you feel. my friends all seem to doubt me because of the act that's put on whenever they're around. it's a very few special ones who see through the act and they're the ones you have to hold on to.
love you girl.
el xxx

Re: Situation at home ~UPDATE~
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 13 03:04:15 2002 (#5703)

i wish you could come and stay with me, i live in ohio. you are welcome please keep posted take care xxxErryn

hey everyone!
Posted by kae on Mon Aug 12 13:16:14 2002 (#5684)

hey its me, kae...I haven't been here for a few months now. I just thought I'd have a look and see where everybody's at...
I have great news for you. I'm doing really well. As most of you know, most of my posts were pretty depressing and unhappy, but things have changed...I haven't cut for three weeks now. I still slip up occasionally, but the gap between each SI session is getting longer and longer. Three weeks is a massive improvement for me. I honestly believe that I can live without SI now, that I've really put it behind me. The only problem now is the scars...I have terrible scars and theres a limited range of possibilites for dealing with them here. I'm hoping that I'll be able to talk to my doctor about treatment.

I just want to tell you guys that you can do it too...you can give up your SI if you really want to. I could only do it when I decided I really wanted to...from there its all much easier.
Go for it!
Luv 'n hugz
Kae

Re: hey everyone!
Posted by she on Mon Aug 12 17:25:38 2002 (#5687)

Wow thats wonderfull keep going .
LOve and hugz
She

Re: hey everyone!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Aug 12 19:51:55 2002 (#5692)

that's so encouraging!
i'm doing pretty well at the moment as well.
i'm so pleased for you!!
take care hun,
el x

Re: hey everyone!
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 13 01:45:26 2002 (#5698)

Hey Kae,
I so glad to hear you're doing better. Just take
things one day at a time. I'm here if you ever
want to talk or anything. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, RHonda

Re: hey everyone!
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 13 03:02:56 2002 (#5702)

hey im glad you are doing okay please stay in touch take care xxxErryn

Re: hey everyone!
Posted by Dawn on Tue Aug 13 08:56:23 2002 (#5708)

Good for you!!!

Re: hey everyone!
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 13 15:34:07 2002 (#5714)

I'm so glad your free from self harm, keep going!
Ella x

Re: hey everyone!
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 13 20:20:39 2002 (#5718)

Hey!! It's good to hear from you (especially with such good news!) I hope you keep up whatever you're doing and I wish you good luck!

ive lost myself
Posted by stranger 24/7 on Mon Aug 12 15:18:00 2002 (#5685)

the first time i posted, back in february, i was cutting more than ever, frightened of everyone finding out my secrets, scared to breath incase it gave away how bad i was feeling inside. i wanted to die. so many people on this board (well the old board but stil a few of the same people..) helped me so much, eleanor, she, ella..... posting on the board helped me so much. youve been with me through the traumas of my parents finding out about my abuse, through a couple of suicide attempts, been there at my lowest points ever...the points where you cant find the right words to describe your pain....im sure you know what i mean........

its now august (in case you didnt know!), 6 months later, half a year has flown by....... i now have this feeling of emptiness, which i consider worse than any of the feelings i have had back in the earlier days. at least before i was actually FEELING something, however bad it was.....

now i just feel empty...empty and lost......the man that abused me is out of my life now yet i cant get him out of my head. he is with me everyday following me, taunting me and he wont go away..........

i dont feel as if im living, just merely existing, nothing seems real anymore. my friends and family think that i am feeling better now because that man is out of my life so i can move on........... and they are right...he is out of my life (technically).....yet why cant i move on? why is he in my head 24/7?

i feel so empty........i just dont feel real............i dont feel normal.......ive lost myself...i dont know who i am anymore. i mean hes gone now and im not cutting AS much as i used to.......but why do i feel so empty and lost? i was so used to having to worry about how to avoid this man and what to do/say if he approaches me...and protecting my sister........all of these things i had to worry about......but now in like the space fo a second..........i dont have to worry about the things that i have had to worry about for over 8 years...............and to go from one extreme to another (not having to wory at all) is killing me..........hence the feelings of emptiness.

im just a completely different person to the person who posted back in february. im not the same donna.....im a different donna....back then i was scared aka donna..............then i was a stranger in the night...................... and now i just dont know who i am anymore.....hence the name change.......im not a stranger in the night now.....im just a stranger 24/7...........

why cant i feel anymore? i havent cried in ages........... i just dont think about it........i get on with life..........but then on a night..........it wont go away, it haunts me..........i write in my diary to help but it doesnt......i tried talking to my aunt but she doesnt understand.......im pushing everyone away now.......im selfish donna...

im the donna that doesnt belong anywhere anymore....the donna that doesnt serve a purpose..........

the donna thats pushed everyone away........

who am i? why do i feel so numb? and empty?.......

i havent posted here in a month........now i lied and said it was because i was going to stay with my aunt........it ws just an excuse........i didnt want to post here anymore because i needed to try and find myself.........i needed to cope on my own.......but i figured if i couldnt do i then id just start posting again and say i didnt go to my aunts in the end........so i didnt seem like a failure to you all you know?.......

and its been a month and ive completly changed. i used to be able to come here everyday at the beginning and reply to peoples posts and try to help them at the same time as helping myself........

i just cant do it anymore.......... i just feel empty.......i feel so alone, i just want someone to understand........oh and that sparks off another moan of mine...........lately these days al i seem to want ot do is rant to people, wanting someone to care..........just wanting some attention.......but its lke everyday............i want to let someone know how shit things are for me every fucking day and im pushing everyone away because of it........they are all getting sick of my constant cry for help...............but because this man has gone now there isnt any need for cries for help....the problems gone.....theres no help to cry for.....no problem to cry about............yet why am i still crying inside? why wont it go away?

why cant i move on? all these questinos inside my head........its killing me..........i hate this............

sorry for the length,

no longer scared aka donna, or stranger in the night,

just.......

stranger 24/7 xxx

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{donna}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Posted by she on Mon Aug 12 17:34:46 2002 (#5688)

Wow ive missedddd you soooo much honnie our little goup seames to be sliping futher apart but im still thinking of you all very very much .

My head is all thingy and crap at the moment an im finding it quite hard to respond .

I love and care about you so so much and am thinking of you allways Donna ,scared aka donna,stranger in the night or Stranger 24/7 whatever i love you however you come .
Love peace and cuggles
She~b

Re: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{donna}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Aug 12 19:50:08 2002 (#5691)

And i love you both more than anything!
god i've missed you two. but i'm back now and i'm here to stay so you know the drill if you ever need me. i love you donna, never forget that.
so much to tell you both.
love you,
el xxxx

Re: ive lost myself
Posted by murie on Mon Aug 12 22:09:26 2002 (#5695)

Donna,

Much of what you are feeling I can relate to. I don’t SI anymore (well a day at a time) & I’m no longer pre-occupied by traumatic events that happened in my past. The result is that I have at times felt like there is an emptiness in my life, that I don’t know myself & yet ppl who are helping me work my 12 step program have shown me that this is not the case.

You see I went through so much in my recent & long-term past, that I became “addicted” to not just SI, but drama. In order for me to feel that I was “someone” there had to be a major event or crisis or drama in my day. SI was one way I created that. I also “fixed” on or pre-occupied myself with traumatic events that had happened in the past, because I was fearing what I might feel in the present. My biggest fear being that I might feel “nothing” & that I might feel I was nothing.

Like yourself, I’ve thought that I didn’t know who I was, but the reality was that I was unwilling to accept who I am. I was unwilling to accept me for being “me”. Today I’m more willing to accept that as I let go of things (SI, resentments, drama & the past) I’m bound to be feeling a bit strange, perhaps a bit empty, but that’s OK because this thing called stability & recovery, is new & I’ve never done it before.

I’m slowly learning to accept that there doesn’t have to be a major event in my day for me to feel OK about who I am. I value cuddling my cats & reading a book all day for the miracles they really are. I didn’t read about anything other than SI & trauma when I was SI-ing. I’m learning to enjoy humour & I’ve taken up interests that I had to put down for 10yrs because of my SI. I am learning to accept the person I was before SI took control of my life & the person I am today.

In order to “move on” I’ve had to hand my issues (and my SI) over to a higher power or God of my understanding, just as when I was hurting myself my SI & drugs & anorexia were my higher power. Until last night I was trying to face an appeal application for criminal injuries compensation. Last night I was praying or talking (to my higher power) about this & we (my higher power & I) decided that I should let it go, that no amount of compensation was worth having to hold on to the pain of what happened to me for another day. I let it go, have dropped the appeal (even though I am entitled to the compensation) because I don’t want to hold on to that pain anymore. As I was praying & choosing to “let go & let God” I physically felt the weight being lifted off my chest & I was able to get a good nights sleep for a change.

The trauma you went through was only 6 months ago (Of course it’s still going to be very much on your mind, you’re probably only just realising the extent of it). I’ve only just been able to start letting go of something that happened to me 2 yrs ago. It’s early days for you. Be kind to yourself, you will move on, the fact that you are posting here & being as honest as you can, shows you are moving in the right direction. May be the “emptiness” you are feeling is just new feelings & changes in your life that you haven’t identified or accepted yet.

It will get better, give it time
Luv
Murie.

Re: ive lost myself
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 13 15:32:06 2002 (#5713)

I'm so sad you feel the same as I do. Bored, empty, numb... My parents are split now, no more fighting, besides lots of parents split, lots of parents hurt each other, get over it ella, the problems gone, but its still here, I'm living it every single day.
I still love you donna, I still care and I can relate more then ever, please keep posting, or emailing, I'm always here, stay safe, your in my thoughts,
Love Ella x

Re: ive lost myself
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 13 01:48:28 2002 (#5699)

((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))) ))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))))))

Here's lots of hugs for you whenever you need them. I would love to be able to put my arms
around you and just hold you. Email me if you
ever want to talk. I'm here for you. Take care
of yourself.
LOve ya, RHonda

back again!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Aug 12 20:01:43 2002 (#5694)

hey guys.
I'm sorry to everyone whos emailed me over the past few weeks, i've been away and that's why i haven't replied. i just got back. i have had the most wonderful time! it seems like a whole universe worth of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i found myself some amazing friends who know about my scars and....DON'T CARE!!!! and a wonderful guy who is my best friend and soulmate rolled into one.
At the moment i'm pretty good but i don't know how long it will last. As soon as i drove up to my front door i could feel my happiness drain. You know how a building or a person can hold such bad memories for you that as soon as you see it you go cold and it's like nothing else matters but the pain you feel or have once felt? well my whole hometown is that bad memory and it almost killed me to come back.
but i'm determined to try and make it last. for the first time since i can remember i feel human and i'm not going to give that up without one hell of a fight.
i love you all and hope you're ok. i replied to a few of the posts but there are 470 since the last time i was on and i'm too tired to think at the moment. i just want you to know i'm not ignoring anybody.
sending all the love in the world.
el xxxxxxxxxx

Re: back again!
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Aug 13 01:49:52 2002 (#5700)

Glad you're back and happy to hear you had a good
time and made some good friends. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: back again!
Posted by Erryn on Tue Aug 13 03:00:10 2002 (#5701)

welcome baack you were missed take care xxxErryn

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 13 15:24:34 2002 (#5712)

Eleanor! I've missed you! I'm so glad your back, and your happy! I knew you would be one day, you really deserve it. I hope your still ok, and that all your happiness lasts for eternity! ok, its cheesy I know, email me PLEASE! missed you,
Ella x

Re: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by she on Tue Aug 13 15:48:52 2002 (#5716)

WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
*runs around very very exited the cuggles you sprinkles you with purple fairy dust and gives you many many flowers*
Ohh man its soooooooo good to have you back i missed you very muchly.:)
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huggle}}} }}}}}}}}
She~b

Re: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 13 21:15:34 2002 (#5721)

I missed you too!!!!!!!!!! I love you guys and will forever and ever!
el xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Trust
Posted by Jules on Tue Aug 13 15:12:56 2002 (#5709)

HI
i dont know who to trust, the people i thought i trusted went & blurted to the world that i cut myself, & others judge me on it. i cant trust anyone, how the hell am i supposed to get better i feel i cant trust anyone to talk to honestly, i cant even trust myself. what do i do. i know i need help, but i dont know how to fix what im feeling & will i ever get better.is it possible to get better, or once a cutter always a cutter, cos im finding it damn hard to stop. please help

Re: Trust
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Aug 13 15:21:19 2002 (#5711)

Hey
I really know what you mean, I told one of my 'friends' then found out she told a load of people as well as telling everyone how much she hates me and only hangs around with me because theres no one else, then they wonder why you can't trust anyone! But I guess it must get better, people do stop cutting.
Email me if you want, I'm always here if you want to talk, Love Ella x

Re: Trust
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Aug 14 01:43:11 2002 (#5725)

Honey, it is possible to overcome cutting. Tara is
proof of that. She hasn't cut in over a year. I'm
very proud of her cause there are times when she
could have easily cut. Like when my grandma died,
her great-grandma. They were very close and all
she did was cry for several days. Her boyfriend
kept a very close eye on her and let me know when
she was really down. Between the 2 of us,we helped
her out and she ended up not cutting. I know it is
a lot harder for most of you because you don't have the support that Tara does, but don't let that stop you from trying hard. I will always be
here for you and even though I know it's not like
your mom, I do care about you and everyone else.
Let me know if I can ever help you in any way. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, RHonda

Re: Trust
Posted by Erryn on Wed Aug 14 04:54:43 2002 (#5731)

im sorry that people are mean about something so serious. i really hope you can turn to any of us becuz we are here for you and understand and will not judge. take care xxxErryn

Re: Trust
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 03:13:49 2002 (#5726)

I know whats that like. IT sucks. In time it gets better, but it is damn hard to find anyone you can trust. Someone that is flesh and blood that you can actually touch. NOt someon eon the internet. I've even lost a bunch of my internet friends. TOns of people just didn't want to deal. Oh well. There loss is what I say. Keep strong...and believe that you'll find yourself soon. it's hard, it's not easy, but the outcome is grand. Keep in touch.
Lone

Dawn
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 13 20:23:22 2002 (#5719)

Hey Dawn, I replied to your message about your granddaughter and I posted some ideas. Just wanted to let you know because the post is sort of far down there!

Thank you
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 14 05:50:24 2002 (#5733)

I read your ideas. I had already thought of most of them. I did have children of my own and I also used to watch Darian 50-60 hours a week for a year of two. I forgot about the street chalk. I found a couple of chalk sticks a year or so ago. Thanks to you I will draw a hopscotch thingy on my porch slab tomorrow when it cools off or early tomorow morning. Swimming is out, but we do have some fountains kids can play in in front of the state capitol building.
I'm sure glad you are all so helpful. :-)Dawn

family
Posted by *me* on Tue Aug 13 20:36:43 2002 (#5720)

I have no idea what the point of this post is or where it's going to go. I just need to vent a little. My mom drives me crazy. She seriously does. When I'm alone, I'm pretty much ok. I'm not fantastic, but I'm ok. When I'm with my friends...ehh..sometimes I'm ok and sometimes it's hard. But when I'm with my mom, I seriously want to shoot myself. I can't take being with her. It seems like all she does is yell at me. And that really pisses me off. Because it's not like I'm a "bad" kid. Most parents would like to have a kid like me. I'm in the top 5% of my class, I don't do drugs or drink or have sex or cheat or sneak out of the house or ANYTHING. And all she does is find things that are wrong with me and put the pressure on me that I better keep up my grades and do this and do that. It makes me hate her, and more than that, hate myself. And so I don't eat and so I cut and so the thoughts of suicide come back to me. Because they're MINE. They are my secrets and my pain and my control. Only they really aren't any more. Because I CAN'T control them, and they bring me more pain. And part of me thinks I deserve it. And part of me knows that I don't. And I don't KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT OF ME TELLING YOU THIS IS. I just know that I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, and the school year hasn't even begun yet. It's going to be a long year.

Re: family
Posted by Erryn on Wed Aug 14 04:51:34 2002 (#5730)

i had parents like that i didnt do drugs or smoke was in sports but i was horrible, i guess thats why i turned to cutting. i always told my family well what about this and say a good thing about me when they found bad. try to hang in ther okay take care xxxErryn

Re: family
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 17:02:09 2002 (#5744)

First of all, you said that you didn't know what the point of the post was.....to vent, that was the point.

Second, you said that you are a good kid, that most parents will do anything to have a kid like you...then you have no reason to hate yourself...it is your parents problem, not yours.

i had a similar situation, nothing I ever did made my parents proud, even good grades whatever...i realised that it is because I was so clever that my parents put so much pressure on me, in a weird way because they loved me and didn't want me to throw it all away...

That doesn't justify them in what they are doing but maybe if you understood why it would make it a bit easier on you...ask them why if you think you can...

nicke

Re: family
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 15 03:05:58 2002 (#5773)

Parents can be bad for you. Sometimes they do not know how to be any different. Parents aren't like parent on tv. Thet have never been taught how to be good parents we all pretty much have to learn as we go. If you could just sit them down and dialogue with them and tell them what they are doing wrong and give them some ideas how they can better parent you, maybe things can turn around for you. So the big question is does your mom have a teachable spirit or does she think she already is a good mother.

You cannot change anyone but yourself but if she will accept ideas from you maybe she can change her parenting skills. Its just a thought.

It sounds to me like you are right and rain and she needs to change not you. Bye and good luck...Dawn

Re: family
Posted by rick on Thu Aug 15 04:49:49 2002 (#5776)

Hey, very profound. Time goes by so quickly that before you know it you've gone from being the child to being the parent. You do the best you can, but there's no instruction book. We make mistakes just like you. BTW, if you don't tell us, we don't even know we're screwing up sometimes.

Communications. But then sometimes I guess it's not that easy to communicate, is it?

Rick

Re: family
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Aug 16 02:06:02 2002 (#5801)

Gosh Rick, you need to come here more often. That
was really good!! Take care.
Love, Rhonda

shit
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 13 21:21:13 2002 (#5723)

hey everyone. my computers started messing up and it won't let me read or reply to some of your posts so i thought i'd try and leave a message for you all.
Dawn: thanks for your email, it meant a lot to me.
Rhonda: thank you for your e card and all your support, i love you loads.

everyone else: I love you all and i'm sorry that you're having a hard time and that my computer won't let me read or reply to posts so i can help. if any of you want anything PLEASE email me, i'll always be here for you.

love el xxxxxxxx

Re: shit *NM*
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 03:33:40 2002 (#5727)

Re: shit
Posted by Erryn on Wed Aug 14 04:48:42 2002 (#5729)

i hope everything gets going for you take care xxxErryn

Re: shit
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:57:21 2002 (#5743)

High security thing, happens all the time to me because i mainly use communial computers and they have high security with the possibilty of youngsters going on them!!

nicke

I know I havnt posted for a while but ...
Posted by Amanda on Tue Aug 13 21:23:17 2002 (#5724)

Its been ages since i last posted, i dont know why i havnt posted, ive just felt unable to offer any help or anything.

ive been on the board every few day reading the messages but i havnt been able to reply. im sorry guys.

i dont know how many of you will remember me, there are names i do and dont remember! but i need to post tonight, its been a while and ive had to come back.

so much has happened i dont know where to begine. after i finished with the violent guy i was seeing i went through a couple of relationships and now i am with the most wonderful guy ever(goes by the name of Tandy). there is such a connection between me and him. (i dont know how many of you will believe in what i am about to say but ill say it anyways) he is a 15th generation white witch, and im pagan. as soon as we met i could feel the energy between us. there was such a huge amount of it, that it was almost visable. i can feel other people good or bad energy easily and i feel Tandys energy as if it were my own. i know when he is near me and i know when he is hurting, and viseversa(sp?).

so things on the relationship front are good, but still i feel empty and hurt. i cant seem to fight these feelings away, which means andy feels them too. Good or Bad??? i really dont know. good because i dont have to explain everything to him as he can feel it around me but bad because i cant hide it from him. i dont know if i would hide stuff from him but the fact that i dont have the options is really really strange. i have never connected with someone like this before. i havent cut for about 8months........i know i should be happy with this but im not. it hurts so much and i still have to face my disgust with myself and the looks i get from every one. i want to cut so badly. i would do anyhting to do it but i cant do that to my best mate, it would kill her and my sister. they would be so upset....AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG GGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

sorry guys i doont know if any of that made sense, thanks for reading any how,

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Re: I know I havnt posted for a while but ...
Posted by Erryn on Wed Aug 14 04:46:23 2002 (#5728)

im glad you are doing well and have found someone if you need anything just ask take care xxxErryn

Re: I know I havnt posted for a while but ...
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:55:59 2002 (#5742)

First i wanna say congratulations on the 8 months...

Second, I have had friends who are Pagan, White witchs, black witches even, and while I am not religious I never mock those who are because i don't understand...

Anyway...instead of looking at the situation as Tandy is going to feel YOUR bad energy, why don't you let yourself be filled with HIS good energy...Lie i said i don't understand but surely that must be a way that his energy can help you heal...

Just an idea,

Nicke

Re: I know I havnt posted for a while but ...
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Aug 14 18:06:30 2002 (#5747)

hey, i remember you. i'm so pleased for you, and 8 months is such an acheivement. keep going! love el x

????
Posted by Erryn on Wed Aug 14 04:57:32 2002 (#5732)

i really dont care anymore. why do i feel this way?? i should be happy i shouldnt have to cut, i dont understand what is wrong with me?? i dont know why im posting, just lonely everyone take care xxxErryn

Re: ????
Posted by Dawn on Wed Aug 14 05:53:18 2002 (#5734)

What is going on. I'm online. Can I be of help?

Re: ????
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:51:07 2002 (#5741)

That is a dangerous place to be in, the not caring thing. If it's life you are not caring about.....I don't have anything to say except that if you are lonely then you can email me sometime, if you want...

Nicke

Re: ????
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Aug 14 18:09:04 2002 (#5749)

hey honey. you have to get out of this and keep on caring, just think of your kids. what would they do without you??? I've been there so many times before but luckily something always seems to pull me back. you need to search hard to find that thing for yourself because you are very special and need to carry on. remember i'm always here for you.
love always, el x

Re: ????
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 15 01:37:10 2002 (#5766)

What can I do to help honey?!! Here's a huge
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
just for you. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, RHonda

a parent
Posted by Rick on Wed Aug 14 14:28:24 2002 (#5735)

Looks like mostly young people here, but maybe one of you can give me a hand. Maybe it's easier to talk to someone elses' parent, don't know.

Anyway, I am the father of a 14 y/o daughter. Her mother and I aren't perfect, but we provide a loving and non-abusive home. On the surface, at least, she seems happy and well adjusted. She has friends, gets good grades and has not been in trouble (drugs,etc.).

Yesterday, we found scratch marks on her wrist. At first, she said she accidently cut herself while doing dishes. Later, she told us she made them with a safety pin.

We found a kit in her room (yes we were snooping) which contained the following: a couple band-aids, a utility knife blade, and some safety pins.

We have scheduled to get her some help. I have been reading here and elsewhere to try to understand the situation. Obviously, we love her and are worried.

I can see she's not alone, a lot of you are going through the same thing. Can any of you give me a little insight? My most important question: Is this going to get worse? Is it likely that she is going to seriously hurt herself? Does someone need to be with her 24/7? And, why is she doing this?

If I were your father, what could I do to help? Please don't say leave me alone, because I can't do that.

Thanks,

Rick

Re: a parent
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:18:50 2002 (#5736)

It must be really hard for you...I know that I put alot of strain on my friends who support me on this.

I am not sure what the best thing to do is but the worst would be to get angry with her.

I will be honest...it may get worse but it is unlikely that she will try to seriously harm herself, SI is as much about self preservation as harming...

It sounds like you have caught it early enough...she has to learn other ways of coping...

Take heart from the fact that she has chosen to tell you...I would never trust any of my family with anything like that.

You should be there for her, don't judge, and don't blame yourself for not understanding, not alot of people do....

Email me if you like...

Nicke.

P.S. I don't know if you know but Rhonda is also a parent who has gone through similar things as you are with regards to your daughter...maybe you could talk to her, she would be better at advising you, but if I were your daughter I would be really grateful for what you have already done (except the snooping) and would want you to listen to me.

Re: a parent
Posted by Rick on Wed Aug 14 18:24:10 2002 (#5751)

Thank you Nicke,

I really appreciate the perspective of someone who is going through the same thing as my daughter. While you are right that this is a very difficult thing for my wife and I, I can't know the feelings that are tormenting her (and you).

I can tell you that there is no anger from me toward her. Rather, I feel powerless. She has not set out to harm me or anyone other than herself. How could I be angry about that.

I have always been able to protect her and help her. This is something I can't control. I can be there for her if she wants to talk, but really, I feel powerless.

As to the snooping, believe me, this was not an easy decision for us. As a parent, IMO, you have to weigh your daughter's privacy which is very important against her safety which is paramount. This is a serious situation and I would (and will) do the same thing again.

Nicke, thanks again for your perspective. If you ever need to bounce something off an "old fart" let me know.

Rick

Re: a parent
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 14 18:02:29 2002 (#5746)

Hi, I want to start off by saying I'm impressed for your caring. And trying to understand what she's doing. And I agree with Nicke, you should be so proud of her and so proud of yourself for being the type of parent she could tell. It's a HUGE HUGE thing.

I guess I should tell you that I'm a 17 y/o girl. So I can't really give you a parent's perspective (you may want to talk to Rhonda, she's a mother that comes here). But I'll try to help you as best I can. I can't answer some of your questions, like whether it's going to get worse, or whether she will seriously harm herself. I CAN tell you that self injurers ARE NOT NOT NOT trying to kill themselves. And suicide/suicidal thoughts do NOT necessarily have to be attatched. She is using this as a coping mechanism for whatever reason. You say that she is happy, well-adjusted, not in trouble, etc. I am the same. I actually have a post about that a few messages down, lol. I can't tell you what her reason for SIing is, because there are too many to name. But she is using it to help her LIVE, as strange as that may seem.

You asked whether someone needs to be with her 24/7. NO. Treating her like she's an invalid or some sort of freak would be a very bad thing to do. I don't know whether this is the first time she's SIed or not, but there is a possibility that's she's been doing this for a while. I've SIed for more than 5 years. If someone found out and started watching me like a hawk it would make me really mad. Do you know what I mean? Maybe not. I don't know, it's hard to explain.

Also, I would highly recommend that you DO NOT snoop in her room anymore. Self injury is something that is extremely personal, and she has trusted you enough to let you know her secret. She will see what you have done as a break of her trust. While I know that you were doing it to try to help, if someone were to invade like that I would also get angry and see it as a broken trust. Understand that she will probably get angry at you, perhaps even for scheduling help. We want help, but it's a scary thing to ask for, and an even scarier thought to actually get it. She might regret ever telling you.

You asked what you can do for her. Don't judge. Don't yell at her for what she's doing to herself. Don't prod too much. Let her know that you are there for her to talk to whenever she wants, and that you want to try to understand. Maybe you could write her a letter saying these things, as it might be easier for both of you. Remember that she's taken a massive step as it is, and taking too many steps at once can lead to a fall. Buy some books on SI. I think there is a list of books through one of the links on the home page of this site. Show her this site. Maybe she'd like to post? If she does, DON'T read what she's posting here, unless she says you can. It would be like reading someone's personal diary.

Ummm I don't know what else. Good luck! You're a good dad. Remember that, even if she gets mad. It's just as hard (maybe harder) for her.

Re: a parent
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Aug 14 18:11:27 2002 (#5750)

i don't know what i can say that the others haven't said. i really admire you for coming on here and asking for advice, it's great that you care. I hope things turn out ok for you all.
el x

Re: a parent
Posted by Sam on Wed Aug 14 18:46:24 2002 (#5752)

I think it's great that you're trying to get help for your daughter. Just knowing that somebody cares is a tremendous help. When my parents found out (when I was 14 - I'm 16 now), they always told me to "knock it off. Why would you do something like that?"

If she's ready to get help, I'd suggest you tell her about this forum. It's saved me from the edge a few times. The best thing you can do is offer your love.

A few things I would advise against are any further snooping (that can break trust), trying to treat her on your own, or being angry at her. It sounds like you're really doing everything you can, which is a very admirable thing.

I hope I was of some help!

Sam

PS - One more thing: DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. It will make both of you feel worse.

Re: a parent
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 23:28:03 2002 (#5754)

Hey guys, give him a brake. The snooping isn't that bad. He is just trying to find out what the hell is going on. I surtianly wouldn't blame my dad...for to long...if he went and snooped around. Yet my dad doesn't know the truth, even though he has asked me if I have cut. *Sighs* I'm so lame, I just can't get the curiouge up to tell him. But that's besides the point. Rick, your doing your best. Give this time, it can't all be worked out. It might get worse and it might not. You need to talk to your daughter and get to the cause of her cutting. Then work it out. I have more advise i just can't think of it now. It's easyer if I'm actually talking person to person if ya know what I mean.
Lone.

(P>S> this is just a guess...you sound to me to be...possibly...maybie...a Jehovah's Witness. I'm not shure. This is just a guess. Tlak to me sometime.)

Re: a parent
Posted by erica on Thu Aug 15 00:17:38 2002 (#5760)

Hi Rick!
I am a 21 yr old. All I can speak of is my experience.
It is possible and likely that it could get worse, But you have cought it early enough that by getting help for your daughter she may be able to learn better and more positive ways of coping.
I feel that there is no need to keep an eye on her 24/7. As said before, this is a self preservation behavior.
As for the snooping, I don't think it's that bad. I can see your need to keep her safe. Just keep in ming that if you take away her tools(ie safety pins, and utility knife), then she may turn to a more harmful behavior. I mean that she may use more dangerous tools(ie glass, razor blades). I know from my experience that if I can't find my knife I have been known to use whatever I could find.
I don't know if this was too helpfull. But my one main word of advise is to get her the help she needs now.

Erica:o)

Re: a parent
Posted by *Poison on Thu Aug 15 01:25:54 2002 (#5764)

well i have put off responding to this post because it reminds me of how much i hurt my parents every time they learn of my cutting. to tell you the truth cutting is a very addictive behavior, and as most addictions go, they do get worse before they get better. but there are ways to intervene. sending her to therapy is a great start. but make sure it is someone she can connect with and feel comfortable talking to. don't expect miracles, this might go on for years before she is ready to stop. and i say that because no one can make your daughter stop cutting herself. you can make it more difficult for her. but if she really wants to continue cutting she will. cutting is one of the most difficult things for parents to deal with. (in my opinion) it can tear families apart. but unless you have gone through some sort of depression, addiction, or anything yourself you will find a hard time relating to your daughter on this subject. and understanding her point of view. try not to condone your daughter's behavior as it can cause her to cut herself more. try to have an open relation with her, ask her questions about it. be interested in her life. i know i never talked about my cutting to anyone unless someone asked me. snooping her room is what a parent has to do if they feel they can not get truthful answers from their children. i wouldn't hide that you snooped from your daughter, maybe next time do it while she is there with you. and let her know that you are concerned because you love her. my parents have snooped in my room and as much as i resented them for it it made me feel like they really cared about me. i wouldn't recommend you taking her cutting objects from her as she may reach to more destructive things. but ask her if she has anything with her or in her room. espically if you see any new cuts on her. and one thing that really made me feel like my parents loved me even if i hated it severely was when they checked my arms legs and stomach for fresh cuts. now this would probably jsut lead to her cutting in different places that you are less likely to check but it can help you know that she does or doesn't need any medical attention. and if there is any doubt in your mind at all if she does need medical attention please bring her straight to the ER. well i hope i didn't anger anyone here with what i have said.

Amanda

Re: a parent
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 15 01:35:54 2002 (#5765)

Hey Rick,
My name is Rhonda and I also have a daughter who
started cutting when she was 14. She's now 19 and
has been cut-free for over a year. I watched Tara
posting here and asked her if she thought anyone
would mind if I post something. Can't remember what I did post, but Tara assured me that no one
would care. Well, since then, I have been welcomed with
open arms and all these kids have become like my
own. It's so reassuring to see a FATHER who desperatly wants to help his daughter. You'll find
out if you keep coming here that a lot of fathers
and mothers just don't seem to care about all these wonderful kids and what happens to them. It
just breaks my heart to read some of the posts and
it makes me want to bring them all home with me.
Here's a few pieces of advice. DON'T EVER JUDGE
YOUR DAUGHTER! There are reasons why she is doing this to herself. As far as the snooping, I can't
really say I disagree with you, but I would be
very careful about doing that again. I only snooped because Tara said she was going to kill
herself and make sure I found her body. It was a
life altering decesion on my part. Has she just
started cutting? If so, it will probably be easier
to get her help and stop it before it gets really
far advanced. We caught Tara's in time, but it
still took 4 years. Find a good therapist, even if
you have to go through several. Don't just accept
anyone. Tara went through 4 therapists before she
found one who I think saved her life. I know without his help, she would be dead by now. We also got her started on medication. She was severaly(?) depressed. Don't look at my spelling!!
Just let her know that you will always be there for her and then really listen to what she is
saying. I would cry with Tara then help her clean
her cuts up. I know a lot of parents wouldn't even
think about this, but you have to try in any way
you can to let her know you love her. That may also mean leaving her alone at times. I gave TAra
space, but I was always around. If you want to talk more, please feel free to email me. I'm always happy to answer questions. I wish you good
luck with your beautiful daughter. Take care.
Love, Rhonda
P.S. To everyone else on the board, sorry this was
sooooooooooo long. Hope I didn't put you to sleep!! (HA!HA!)

Re: a parent
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 15 03:03:01 2002 (#5772)

im 26 yrs old and have been cutting for 11 yrs, im also a parent of two children. i wish i could help you, just be there for your daughter, if you talk to her she will think more highly of you. it probably has nothing to do with you, please dont judge her and get mad at her, it may make her worse, just be there. if you or your family needs anything we all are here for you and will try to help. good luck Erryn

Re: a parent
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 15 03:28:19 2002 (#5775)

Rick, I am 50 years old and have been a cutter for 12-13 years. Although now I only cut once or twice a year.

I have not read all the responses from the board but I think you will get some very good advise and that the advise they give you will be advise they wish upon their parents.

Cutting can lead to suicidal thinking but most it is a way to feel in control of their lives and find a release of tension much like smokers get from cigaretts or a glass or two of alcohol.

I know that cutting is morbid and goes beyond the realm of sanity. But to a cutter the question is not why cut? but rather why not. Cutting does something nothing else does. And it keeps us from suicide attempts because by nature it is about control. But as I said before sometimes the deviding lines get hazy and there are times when the line is crossed and the cutter actualy attemppts suicide but generally that is not the way it goes. It is usually enough just to cut and gain the release without going so far as to attempt suicide. Bottom line it is pasifier for a lot of overwhelming emotions and it no big deal is made of it a cutter can be well treated with therapy. I would say to just not freak out or try to punish your daughter.

As a parent myself I have grappled with my own feelings reguarding my own actions and my family has grappled with my cutting as well.

If you have any questions you want to ask me by all means email me. I think you are doing a very brave thing asking these children and young adults for their imput. It shows great character.... Dawn

Damn why did I stop coming here...I miss you guys!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:36:07 2002 (#5739)

I have been...er...well I have been in thge house because I was too scared to come out...sounds like Agoraphobia...

Well, KAT, I know you are feeling that you don't know what to say to emails but when you get the time, and energy...let me know what is going on with you.........

Broken Girl, and Stranger in the Night.....what can I say, I feel so sad when i see you hurting. I don't know how old you are stranger but to me, you seem too young to be hurting in the way you do the same foe you Broken Girl.

I wish I had a magic wand and I would wave over this board to make everyone happy.

I see Kae, and Amanda are back...hey!! I haven't had time to read any of your messages but I hope you are okay!!!

Anyone i haven't mentioned don't take personally...I meant to write a message about how I miss everyone, the board.....I am doing okay at the minute so I thought I would come an offer some support.....

Peace...Nicke

Re: Damn why did I stop coming here...I miss you g
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 23:29:37 2002 (#5755)

Miss ya too Nicke.

Re: Damn why did I stop coming here...I miss you g
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 15 01:18:36 2002 (#5763)

Glad to see ya again!! I don't get on here that
much anymore what with my daycare being totally
filled up now and school starting tomorrow. Take
care honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Damn why did I stop coming here...I miss you g
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 15 02:59:29 2002 (#5771)

welcome back if you need anything just ask take care xxxErryn

NICKE!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Aug 15 13:08:00 2002 (#5781)

i missed you! i'm so glad you're back and are doing ok, i'm doing pretty well myself at the moment :-)
Good luck for your results sweetie!
Talk soon,
el x

Results day tomorrow
Posted by Nicke on Wed Aug 14 16:49:17 2002 (#5740)

I get my results tomorow, from my A/S level exams...My friend has dislocated her shoulder falling off her horse, so we will have to walk (because she can't drive) That will be the longest walk of my life...

I found out the other day, in conversation I may add, that my friend hung himself over a girl...I don't see him that often but he was such a nice guy...I never really knew anyone who died before, not that I can remember anyway(except my twin but that doesn't count) and I guess it feels kindov weird.

Made me realise that I don't want to go out like that so I will take as many pills as I am told to and at what times if it means I can get some peace.

Well anyway, WISH ME LUCK FOR TOMORROW AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW I GOT ON.

Nicke.XXXXX

GOOD LUCK *NM*
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 14 17:37:53 2002 (#5745)

Lots of Love
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 23:32:24 2002 (#5756)

It's aufull(SP) what girls can do to guys. Just as much as GUys can do to girls. But many a time females don't realize how senceative guys really are. I feel bad about that...sometimes we feel that we can hurt the guys and not Really hurt them. Ya know...*Sighs* this is hard to explain. I feel for ya Nicke.
Later,
Lone

Re: Results day tomorrow
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 15 01:17:21 2002 (#5762)

Good luck and I hope things go good. Let me know,
okay? Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Results day tomorrow
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 15 02:58:22 2002 (#5770)

good luck girl i hope everything turns out okay take care xxxErryn

Eeekkk just got mine
Posted by she on Thu Aug 15 11:36:29 2002 (#5778)

How did you do .Its sooo scary going through the door to get them i couldnt open mine for about 30mins .
Hope yours went ok .
Loads of love
She~b

Re: Results day tomorrow
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Aug 15 13:06:02 2002 (#5780)

OOOOOOOOOOOH sweetie, i really feel for you! all my friends are getting their results today and i'm feeling kinda bad cause i had to take part of the year out because of my depression and si and i see them all getting their results and i'm kinda thinking it should be me as well :-(
Oh well....it will be next year!
Hope everything goes ok for you!!
Love ya muchly,
el x

Re: Results day tomorrow
Posted by she on Thu Aug 15 15:47:02 2002 (#5782)

wow mine are staring at me noe wating to be opend but i cant seam to open then hurrrmm i think im gonna have to get someone ealse to do it for me .
Love
She

Oh, God, you guys I have a big problem...
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 14 18:07:55 2002 (#5748)

I'm starting a new job. Good, right? On the surface. Do you know what you have to do before you start the job? Required work permit. Easy, right? On the surface. What does the work permit require? A PHYSICAL. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. There's no way around it. What can I do? The doctor can NOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT find out about me. Oh, my God. Help me. What am I going to do? Help help help help I'm freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It'll be alright
Posted by Sam on Wed Aug 14 18:52:41 2002 (#5753)

Don't panic! I had to go to the gyno the other day, and he saw all the cuts on my chest. I just said to him, "Can we just say that another kind of doctor is dealing with it and leave it at that?" He gave me the typical "I'm here if you need me" kind of thing, but it was alright.

I felt a little uncomfortable after the fact, but then I left the doctor's office and then everything was back to normal.

I hope it goes well for you and good luck with the new job!

Sam

Re: It'll be alright
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 23:37:18 2002 (#5757)

Jeez...thats like the perfect thing to say. I didn't even think of the cuts on my wrist. I have to get a physical in order to play the sports i want to this season. GOD I can't believe i didn't even think about cutting. It has actually been far from my mind lately. And yet I'm still here...hardly posting anymore. Oh well...no one seems to notice. The only one that got close to me was Vapor and now she is in a load of shit and hardly talks to me. *sighs* Maybie I'll just leave. I don't know. Sorry if anyone reads this and gets triggered. I'm lonely and shitty and dealing with everything one day at a time. God If only life wasn't so awful. If only I could be NOrmal for one single day...just to have a taste of what it's like. I dun know...this isn't me. I don't know why i'm talking like this. I try not to anymore, at least after the guy i really liked gave me a swift kick in the ass with words. I needed it though. I needed someone to put me right. *Sighs* Guess I still need it. Later, Lone

Re: Oh, God, you guys I have a big problem...
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 15 01:16:10 2002 (#5761)

Take a deep breath and calm down. If he asks about
anything, just say you have another doctor helping
you with that. Let me know how things go. Take
care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Oh, God, you guys I have a big problem...
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 15 02:56:22 2002 (#5769)

relax i had to to. they cant do anything to you. just tell them you have a cat or something, just go there and be confident and try not to look worried they may even overlook it. my employer did. good luch take carexxxErryn

i'm still freaking out...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 15 20:39:57 2002 (#5789)

I have an hour and a half before we go. I am so freaking scared. We're going to one of those cheap little medical centers instead of my actual doctor because they're faster and stuff. So I'm hoping they don't actually do a whole physical. I had to go there once before and all they did was take my blood pressure and weigh me. So maybe I'm worrying about nothing? I'm scared. Shit. If I get through this I am going to cut so bad. I can't have them find out. GOD, I NEED HELP RIGHT NOW. What if my mom wants to come back there with me? What if the doctor doesn't believe me or tells my mom? Then I'll be in even more deep shit for lying. AHHHHHHHH. Why is 17 still considered a minor?? STUPID. If you committed a crime you'd be tried as an adult, but you have to worry about what your freaking doctor sees. I'm so scared. I don't know if anyone still is reading because I know I am rambling but it's helping me calm down because I have an hour and a half to get through before this even starts. I have no fresh cuts on me so that's good, right? Right. I could tell him that I USED to do this and I haven't in a long time and so please don't tell my mother and get her worried over something that's history. I AM FREAKING OUT. Is anyone on right now?? I need to calm down. I'm shaking. Great. All I need is to get a panic attack right now. Breathe, breathe, I'm trying to breathe. I feel like my stomach is going to pop right out of me. I'm so scared. This is so messed up. Ugh I'm hating myself for ever beginning to cut. My thighs are so scarred. Their the only place that's COMPLETE scars though. So thighs. Not a good chance the doc will see thighs, right? Maybe? I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I feel like crying oh God I'm scared please help me get through this ok.........I'm rambling and rambling here and I can't stop so I'm just going to post this because I'm sure no one is reading anymore. Thank you all who replied it helped but you know how it is I'm just scared.

Re: i'm still freaking out...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 15 21:26:03 2002 (#5792)

Oh geez we can't go to the center til tomorrow. I have another whole day to wait. Freaking out freaking out....

Chat...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Aug 14 23:40:07 2002 (#5758)

Does anyone go onto the PSyke chat room anymore??? I'm just wondering. Cause if ppl do I'll open it everytime I come on here. Later,Lone

Re: Chat...
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 15 01:59:18 2002 (#5767)

I've wondered about that also. I've went there several times but no one was there. Does anyone
go there? I'm sure it's hard to get people together with the different time zones and all
that. I'm in Centeral Time here in Oklahoma. Take
care everyone.
Love ya all,Rhonda

Re: Chat...
Posted by Erryn on Thu Aug 15 02:53:59 2002 (#5768)

i would also like to go there if anyone else would. ill start to open it when i come in take care everyone xxxErryn

Re: Chat...
Posted by she on Thu Aug 15 11:51:36 2002 (#5779)

Ive been on ther once to talk to eleanor but whenever i go there im all alone so not n e more it would be nice if more people used it .
Lots of love and huggles
She~b

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