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Threads 1126 to 1150

anxiety
Posted by chez on Thu Aug 1 01:42:15 2002 (#5419)

sometimes I get this anxiety rush in my chest....
it feels like someone is stepping on your chest and stomping on it or something. I cant sleep I cant eat properly....I cant do anything. I get so scared....I cant live without sleeping pills...and I hate that. i sleep well...but i hate that so much. dam....my tummy feels like its melting....

I know.....
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 1 03:22:55 2002 (#5428)

Awe gees "I know" seems to be on my fingertips today. I am shedding tears for you. What you discribed is a panic attack. You may wish to call your mental health worker. I know you don't want more meds, but if it will quiet things down it is worth it. People have been know to have what for all general purposes seem to be heart attacks but are diagnoses and tension or anxiety attacks brought on by stress. Our bodies and minds can't take the tension in our lives. But it is treatable. You need medical/mental assistance. I am praying for you as I type. HThelped..Dawn

thank you dawn...-lots of hugs- *NM*
Posted by chez on Thu Aug 1 05:41:08 2002 (#5433)

Re: anxiety
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:25:40 2002 (#5446)

I suffer with an anxiety disorder and so totally empathise...there are tablets that you can get that will ease it (apparently).

The anti-depressants that I am on also treat anxiety...they are called Paroxetine or sometimes know as Seroxat.

Peace, Nicke

baddaybaddaybadday.....help
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 1 01:42:26 2002 (#5420)

I hate this..I hate living like this..feeling like this..everything. I'd like to know what it's like to feel "normal" just once. Wouldn't that be nice? WTF can't we all just live routine lives. Boring lives. Boring is good. This is not. I'm sick of the yelling and the screaming and the fighting. I can't take it anymore. Too much yelling. I'M CRACKING AND SOMEDAY I'M JUST GOING TO BREAK APART AND I W

Re: baddaybaddaybadday.....help
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 1 02:48:46 2002 (#5424)

Crap even the board isn't working for me...deleting half of my message!!!! ARRRGGH. I don't even remember what else I wrote...that sentence that was broken apart was supposed to say that I'm cracking and someday I'm just going to break apart and I won't be able to be put back together.

I really really really want and need to cut right now, and I need a reason NOT to. I'm trying to get through summer w/o cutting bc it's too hard for me to hide during this time of year. I want it to be winter right now...I can't take living like this anymore. I hate this...is anyone on? Give me a reason not to cut. Help me.

Re: baddaybaddaybadday.....help
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 1 03:14:16 2002 (#5427)

I just lost the message I wrote in response to your second post. here is the jist of it. I know what it feels like to be broken beyond repair.
Several years ago. (10 to be more percise) I felt like Humpty Dumpty and even worse. So I began a search to find a Humpty Dumpty stuffed character and when I finaly found one I hated men so I didn't buy it. I gave up the idea. But then I went somewhere I don't go to and there on a shelf was a female Humpty Dumpty. I purchased her immediately.

I would be happy to send her to you because God has done the impossible. I am not like I used to be. Better in fact than I ever imagined. If you want Ms Humpty Dumpty send me an email with you name and address in it and I promise I will not keep it. Or if you trust Rhonda. I can send it to her and she can send it to you. I realize there are privacy issues with you, so if you don't feel you can do this then just know that God is able to do abuntantly above whatever we ask or imagine He can do. I am living proof he can mend lives that are broken. Hope this helps... love and hugs.Dawn

I'm sorry!! I've been there I know what its like
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 1 02:52:33 2002 (#5425)

You sound like you live in the house I left. Only I was the one yelling and screaming. I hated our lives. Perhaps someone else in your life hates it too and doesn't know how to change. It isn't easy for adults to have it all together either. Maybe having a family meeting will help you. The people in your home needs t knw if their behavior is upsetingyou. Chances are it is upsetting others as well.

I now live alone. I live a normal life for someone who had a mental breakdown. I like life quiet and calm. I am careful about what I watch on tv. And whoever comes into my quiet home has to leave bad behavior somewhere else because it isn't allowed in my peaceful home. Not anymore.

When I lived where my children and their father lived I wigged out. I tried the family meeting but it didn't work because I was the only one brave enough to admit life was not ok. Then there was another meeting. Everyone chose how they wanted to live. I chose to change. My kids chose their father. And he chose his beer. I couldn't live with all the hate and violent behavior that I helped to create so I chose to leave and get help. I had to lose a lot to find peace. And even then I had to remember a lot of stuff and work trough all the feelings that evolved over the years and it has taken 16 years to find a measure of peace in my life.
I believe if we hang in there and do not throw in the towel and give up on the struggle to find peace we will eventually find it. If a nut like me could I know others can. Hope this helped somebody stay in the game longer.... Dawn

Re: baddaybaddaybadday.....help
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:29:18 2002 (#5447)

Think of the board as temporary band aids...holding you together until you have the strength to heal...

Peace, Nicke

Thanks guys
Posted by *me* on Thu Aug 1 15:47:13 2002 (#5456)

Dawn and Nicke..thank you for responding. I was having a terrible terrible night. I'm somewhat better today..no one's home right now so I'm enjoying the quiet. Dawn, I want to thank you for your generosity of sharing your Ms. Humpty Dumpty with me. I appreciate your kind words and the gesture, but at this point in time I'm not willing to release my name or any other information about myself to anyone. Thank you both again for helping me.

Lone Wolf
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Aug 1 03:08:23 2002 (#5426)

i'm sorry lone, but it is all my fault. it's been my fault since the day he died. i should have told him and because i didn't he killed himself. even if he didn't know i wanted to tell him if i did he wouldn't be dead and everything would be fine. he said that he'd feel so good and right if he was special to me. but then he left and went home. that was the day before it happened. he just walked away home like nothing mattered and i never even had a chance to say that he was more special to me in all the world than my family. i loved him with all my heart like an older brother. he protected me from harm and from jerks who could hurt me. now i'm hurt everyday just by that thought. if he hadn't walked away instead of listening to what i had to say then he would have know that he was special to me. that he was my best friend in the whole world and i loved him for everything he's done for me. no matter how many people tell me "oh it's not your fault. he would have done it anyways, he had a horrible life at home. don't blame yourself" i still can't believe them and that's never going to change. he fucked me up in the head so bad by killing himself and the last thing he should have heard if he still killed himself would have been "you are special to me. you are more precious to me than life and i'd give that up to be with you". he may have felt so guilty doing what he did. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. ok i have to go now i can't see the screen. the tears are flooding out of my eyes. i can't believe i'm crying. i haven't done this since like 6 or 7 months ago. i'm gonna leave. mabye i'll be back to see this. i hope i am but it still is all my fault no matter what anyone says. they won't ever change my mind. it's too screwed up to make right now anyways. oh there are other reasons but that's the one that helped sink the iceberg. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

Re: Lone Wolf
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Aug 2 02:22:33 2002 (#5468)

I see. I actually understand...but thats something i'll never say why. If you want someon to talk to...i'm a good listener.
~lone~

Re: Lone Wolf
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Aug 2 03:35:09 2002 (#5474)

thank you very much. i'm doing much better today. i got to tell my other friend what i needed to. his gf got wicked jealous and she like hates me now but i've known him since 1st grade and she met him in 7th so i get the right of way to talk to him by myself. she shouldn't get so jealous. she knows that's the only reason i talk to him because he's my bff and i've known him forever. she just shouldn't. i help set them up so that's another reason but anyways i got to tell him so i'm a little bit better now. thank you for responding. take care. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

Health Report
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 1 03:58:54 2002 (#5432)

* My weight has stabilized at 180.
* My blood pressure a bit on the low side
* I am still anemic with no idea why
* I am still talking froggish no idea why
* Kidneys are better but still not great and no idea why
* I stopped taking the pill that is suppose to aid in digestion becase my doctor told me it can cause my face to seaze up and stay that way. Her approval

I can tell you all this because I love and I approve of myself JUST THE WAY I AM which is what it takes to get better...that and a lot of positive self talk. <3 always... Dawn

Re: Health Report
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Thu Aug 1 08:07:32 2002 (#5436)

aswosme.

Drew :)

Re: Health Report
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:23:22 2002 (#5445)

I think it is really good that you are happy the way you are...i long for that day, to find contentment in the smallest of things instead of searching for more....

I really admire people that can do something like that...

Peace, Nicke

"The hardest to learn was the least complicated" - Indigo Girls.

Re: Health Report
Posted by - on Fri Aug 2 00:06:27 2002 (#5467)

Dawn, Im glad your stable
hope to hear from you
love ya
KAT

30 mg of aderol and an 8th of weed
Posted by mego on Thu Aug 1 05:52:17 2002 (#5434)

aderol and weed are very beautiful. just wanted all you to know. not that they're good, cause they can be bad, but right now they're making me so happy. very talkative too, thats why i'm on here. i'm thinkin about so much shit right now, i just want everything to be alright, and right now i know things are fucked up but there isnt anything i can do about it, so i'm just gonna sit here and whatever happens, happens. i've been tellin people that too, for the last couple hours "smile, we don't have enough time to just be happy so smile and be happy with me". very few of them really get it. most of them are just like "what the hell is megan on??" or "oh my god, she smiles!!" a couple days ago after a couple aderol i was running through danny's house trying to hide from clint (we were having an all out war with wrapping paper) and i grabbed chris' arm and put it around me (while screaming "SOMEONE SAVE ME, I'M SCURRED!!") and he took a couple too so i could feel his heartbeat in my back and he could feel mine in my chest. it was so good, just standing there with one of my best friends, laughing at everyone but only concentrating on each others' heart beats. he whispered in my ear "this is real" and it really was. a bunch of us ended up at the mall and we were playin with all the shit in the toy stores, then somehow ended up in the book store and the guys were looking through car magazines and me and kristine were sitting in the big comfy chairs, just watching everyone and laughing, smiling and waving at everyone who walked by, it was so good. all of them, they're great. every day when i'm with them i find something to laugh about. stupid things, like getting lost going to a pizza place or crying and making up a big story to get clint outta a ticket, but theyre all reasons to laugh. just to be with everyone, to be close to people. it kinda scares me, because i've told some of them things about me that i dont tell people (not about cutting though) and i put some trust into them. i'm not used to doin that. we'll see though, maybe they're real. i hope they are.

Re: 30 mg of aderol and an 8th of weed
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 1 11:06:52 2002 (#5437)

Weed is great, I'm so pissed off that I have none as my friend now refuses to sell it to me, still, its only 10 in the morning and I've already had some wine!
Love Ella x
PS I hope your people are real too, I'm praying my friends are but one of them has already dissapointed me but the other two are real.

Re: 30 mg of aderol and an 8th of weed
Posted by - on Thu Aug 1 21:40:23 2002 (#5463)

hey mego.. I wish I was fucked up right now.
Im going to IM you on my new screen name, take it easy doll!
love ya
KAT

Re: 30 mg of aderol and an 8th of weed
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:20:16 2002 (#5444)

I don't know what aderol is but I know what weed is.

I didn't really smoke weed except when I took a few ecstacy pills and a gram or two of cocaine and needed help to come down. Smoking a mix, until 7 in the morning was a regular occurance for me...pratically everyday at one stage.

I don't take drugs anymore...not that i don;t want to because every day I wake up wanting to get high, everyday I go to sleep wishing I was sledging...drifting, every night I dream about getting smashed but I don't let myself.

I know I like drugs too much and no matter how much I think i can control them I always go on a bender because one tablet or line is never enough, one night is never enough.

So basically I think chemically induced highs are okay as ling as you can control it and not let the drugs control you...

Peace, Nicke

Re: 30 mg of aderol and an 8th of weed
Posted by murie on Thu Aug 1 22:49:40 2002 (#5466)

I don't envy you at all, I'm a recovering addict & clean today. Drugs were my secondary addiction to self-harm & lead me to some really low & dangerous places (aswell as leading me to relapse back into SI) even weed lead me to SI or feel really shit about myself & hate myself intensely. I personally wouldn't want to use again, but you've got to learn these things for yourself as to whether or not you can use drugs safely. Most ppl I know who SI cannot use drugs & alcohol safely or in moderation. SI was a drug for me.

I'm old and weaned
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 06:23:52 2002 (#5485)

I know this is going to get me some negative opinions and I might turn you guy off communicating with me but I have to tell you my experience with drugs, including weed and alcohol.

I used to smoke pot every day for about 8-9 Years.
And after my oldest daughter was born I started drinking. So I was mixing both every night. Yes every night. My life sucked. But after my husband (at the time) was drinking and driving and lost control of his friend's car with his friend in it passed out and my ex had both legs amputated below each knee there really was no reason not to get wasted. So we did. And life went on being crap.

You all seem to romantise drinking and blowing weed when there is nothing romantic about, Grant it not everybody who does those things loses his legs. Some lose their lives or takes the lives of other people. Some are babies when they are killed most are innocent people just living their lives like all of us. But I've seen enough bad things happen to know that doing drugs (including alcohol weed, and perscription drugs) it isn't fun for the victims of those individuals who are wasted. It is a SHAME.... So when you are inclined to partake remember that you may hate your life and want to die, but there are people living happy lives who wants to live.

erg
Posted by ajklsf on Thu Aug 1 07:36:59 2002 (#5435)

So, my friends convince me to go out with them to a club after weeks of trying to get me to come out. They know that when I drink I want to cut or head bash, but I'm assured that things wil be ok and that they'll look after me... COMPLETELY didn't happen. Anyhow, I left the club before I got drunk (I despise clubs anyways. I can't and do not like to dance) and nobody really cared. A friend sort of stopped while driving by to make sure I was going back home, but besides that, nothing. Damn I hate clubs. I have never been able to dance; I despise it. If one were to measure how badly I want to cut right now, I don't think it would be possible. A numerical system has not yet been invented with enough digits to adequately represent how much I want to cut. Typing this helped though, so that's good Well, thanks for listening.

Re: erg
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:13:08 2002 (#5443)

Totally know where you are coming from with the club thing.

I used to work as a flower seller in the local nightclub...you must have seen them...this oh course fuelled my drug addiction...by this time i was still only 15.

So I tend to stay away from clubs because I don't want to put myself in the situation where i will take drugs.

Also now I suffer with an anxiety disorder so I hate all the 'social' things.

Sorry to ramble on about me...just wanted to illustrate that if clubs and drinking make you want to do something...be it take drugs or cut...then you are right to want to stay away...but don't make it indefinate and deny yourself fun. Just until you feel better or think that you can stay safe.

Peace, Nicke

tired of just existing
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 1 11:18:33 2002 (#5440)

'You can't do anything right. Everything you touch you break or ruin.'
Thanks mum, Keep my self confidence rising and rising.
This empty void inside me keeps on growing, an eternal neverworld between life and death, not quite alive, not quite dead, just existing.
Cant do it anymore. I am one of those people born to be miserable and hurt, born to die in my own hands. Born in a f*cked up family with f*cked up morals amd messages to thier kids, first day of school the bullying started. I was born a victim, and I'm tired now, I cant do this, I wish somebody would kill me and save me the bother, I guess I'll have to wait untill my energy picks up.
Ella

Re: tired of just existing
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:06:03 2002 (#5442)

Being someone who lives on their own...does everything on their own...has almost complete control over their life (except depression) I pride myself on making the choices I do.

What i am trying to say is that when i was young i realised that like you, the only thing my mum was going to do was destroy me if i let her, that she is only good for making me feel like crap.

So, i promised myself that i was going to be in as much control of my life as I possibly could. SO i built this bubble around me, intent on being the only person that qualified to fuck up my life. My motto is...I live my life as I wish and if anything goes wrong then I only have myself to blame...

So what i am trying to say is that as hard as it may be you may just have to realise that your mother is only going to make you feel like crap so why not take that power away from her.

Don't give the bullies the power to make you feel like shit, or your mother.

I know that it is easier said than done but it does work...promise...

Peace, Nicke.

Re: tired of just existing
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 1 12:34:45 2002 (#5448)

Control has ruined my life.
This eating thing is control.
Cutting is control.
I hate my need for control, the need that controls me. My mum is not a bully, she is a good person who has lived a hard life and I am ruining her life becuase I AM A BAD PERSON. nothing you say can change that. She doesn't deserve a f*ck up of a daughter like me.

Re: tired of just existing
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 13:04:09 2002 (#5453)

I didn't mean it like that...I meant that you should not let others hurt you with their words...if you are going to be hard enough on yourself then you don't need to let others hurt you.

Nicke

A mothers guide of things to say to kids
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:46:44 2002 (#5482)

Ok you triggered me. My mother said similiar things to me. But those are her words not mine. Do you know that you can reprogram your mind. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself you are smarter than she thinks you are, you can study and prove it by getting good grades. Pick something up and carry it someplace. Did you know that adolents are often clumsy and awkward because your muscles and limbs are stretching and growing. It is just a phase I grew out of and so has just about everybody.
Every time you hear the negative slurs tell yourself the opposite. It is amazing how your mind is changed and when it changes you feel better about yourself...Dawn

Thanx guys, your words helped me.
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 11:58:49 2002 (#5441)

I spoke to someone yesterday, I, Nicke Johnston, sought help...shock, shock horror.

I realised what my major problem was...I am scared to admit that I have depression...I was in depression denial!!!

SO when I was on my meds I felt better then convinced myself that my 'depression' was all in my head and that I had made it up...this made me think that i was becoming what I feared...an attention seeker. This made me feel bad and so I decided that as there was nothing wrong with me then I didn't need the meds, didn't deserve the meds so I stopped.

I got confused when I became down, because I wasn't supposed to be feeling like this, because it was all in my head right??? (making any sense)

So yesterday was all about arguing with myself, that I was feeling depressed, that I wasn't feeling depressed, so much so that all i could feel was anger!!

So I have just come back from the doctors, and I don't like it but I have gone back on my meds...at a lower dose though. And i have promised myself that instead of denying my feelings...I will accept and embrace them.

So thanx guys...your words really helped me.

Nicke

Re: Thanx guys, your words helped me.
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 1 12:36:17 2002 (#5449)

Well done Nicke! I know I havn't helped but well done!
Ella x
Hope things get better

Re: Thanx guys, your words helped me.
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Aug 2 02:51:02 2002 (#5470)

I hope things work out for you. I tried to send
you an e-card, but it came back. Email me and let
me see what I'm doing wrong. Take care of yourself
honey.
LOve ya,Rhonda

Glad to hear it!
Posted by Sam on Fri Aug 2 20:12:23 2002 (#5494)

I'm glad you've gotten out of your rut. It's so hard to "see" somebody struggle. Hope things only get better for you!

Sam

PAIN!!! (poem)
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:36:33 2002 (#5450)

I wrote this poem last year when i was incredibly depressed, I think i stretched poetic license to the limit with this one...(I don't really write so don't except it to be much good.)

Tonight i have not cut...but
How I long for that fear to be released...
The fear of being alone,
With nothing but my knife to bring me sweet, sweet comfort.
How I long to feed my new-found addcition,
And watch the blood pour from my fresh new babies born unto my arms,
Telling of the fear and anger i feel inside.
How I long to tell the world of my pain,
To scream as my arms do,
Pain and peacefulness combined.
The blood is my pain,
Rejected from my body as life rejected me.
Every time I cut it eases this inner ball of fear and anger and pain,
Until it is replaced with guilt and shame...
-My secret shame-
I FEAR THE PAIN THAT BRINGS MY SECRET SHAME!!

Hope you liked....

Peace, Nicke

Re: PAIN!!! (poem)
Posted by murie on Thu Aug 1 22:35:15 2002 (#5465)

Nicke not only are you a talented writer but their are alot of insights in your poems, particularly this one that I can relate to. I like the image of pain being "born" from your arms & the mention of addiction & rejection, these things I can relate to.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:55:14 2002 (#5484)

Crying game (poem)
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:42:00 2002 (#5451)

This is a poem I wrote yesterday, it is about my realisation that self harm is a vicious circle that serves only as a temporary release and does nothing to alter the bigger picture.

Crying game,
It is a crying shame,
If it's not your tears,
Then it's your fears,
Being released, for a moment suspended,
But when that moment has ended,
You'll feel the same,
Except with more guilt and shame,
Welling up inside...
Scratching...
Trying to break through.
Your eyes cry tears,
While your arms cry fears.
Wipe your eyes dry,
While your arms shy,
Marked with you tears and fears,
Built up through the years...
Reminding you of your guilt and shame,
'Cos it's all a crying game,
Oh what a crying shame.

Hope you liked...

Peace, Nicke

Re: Crying game (poem)
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Aug 1 19:57:56 2002 (#5459)

hi nicke, i like your poems. they remind me of things i think and the type of things i write about. i would never post those ones on here because mine aren't as good as yours are. they are great. i like them very much. keep posting and take care. <3 always, scaredinthedark

The bird with the paper wings (poem)
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 12:50:45 2002 (#5452)

I wrote this last night whilst trying to sleep...hope you like...

The bird with the paper wings,
Leaves the nest and as he does he sings.
For this is the day he becomes a bird,
Off he flies to find his flock, his herd.

Every day that passes, his quest becomes harder,
With the others he can't keep up for their wings are harder.
At the back of the pack he stays, frightened and alone,
Too scared to go back for he has lost his way home.

With nowhere to turn to, no friends to call his own,
He sits atop a chimney breast and his sweet song becomes a moan.
Suddenly, all around, the sky begins to darken,
The storm begins with lightning flashes that make the night sky brighten.

He tries to fly...higher, so high,
To escape the rain falling from the night sky.
But his wings are wet, and start to break,
Piece by piece, his wings seperate.

With no wings for flight, he crashes to the ground,
Broken and twisted he now lays unable to make a sound,
For the bird that once had the paper wings,
No more he flies, no more he sings.

Peace, Nicke

Re: The bird with the paper wings (poem)
Posted by chez on Thu Aug 1 21:38:25 2002 (#5462)

thats so cool.....and so sad.....
love,
chez

Re: The bird with the paper wings (poem)
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Aug 2 02:44:19 2002 (#5469)

Sing us another song...please. I feel so alone...and poems are my only link to what i feel.
~lone~

How SAD!!!!!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:49:54 2002 (#5483)

vacation
Posted by *Poison on Thu Aug 1 15:29:02 2002 (#5454)

hello everyone, i've been on vacation in case anyone was wondering and i'm going to stay on vacation for another week and a half. so that's why i haven't been posting, pretty much everything is going good, it feels good to just get away from everything, experience nature..etc. the only thing is i'm still pretty numb to everything so i'm kinda mad at my self for not being able to experience everything to the fullest. i got a tarot card reading done, and she said i was abused as a child, and asked if i was raped, i told her i didn't know because i don't remember much of my past. so that made me feel good, because that question has been lingering in my mind for a long time and even though you can never tell if those people are lying or not, i've just wanted someone to tell me that for a long time... i don't know i'm crazy. it's just that way i feel like i have a reason to feel and act the way i do. i gotta go my dad wants me to get ready to impress my doctor. grrr

Amanda

Re: vacation
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 15:40:54 2002 (#5455)

I am pleased that things are going well for you. ALl I can say about feeling numb is that after my recent experiences...feeling numb is better than feling shitty.

Hope you have a great time on the rest of your holiday.

Peace, Nicke

<3 always..... *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:34:15 2002 (#5481)

Dawn...
Posted by Nicke on Thu Aug 1 16:00:14 2002 (#5457)

I just read your reply to baddady....

It reminded me of something I once said to someone when they asked me how I was feeling that particular day....

I was tired of all the cliched answers so I said...

"Have you ever watched cartoons where they are at the circus and you get the stupid diver who jumps from a very high diving board into a small bucket of water. I feel like that diver, except half way down the bastards (sorry!!) took the bucket away. When I come round I realise that I have an incredible likeness to HUMPTY DUMPTY, and no matter how many kings horses and kings men there are they are never going to be able to put me back together."

Needless to say the person who asked didn't have a lot to say in response, given that at the time I was resigned to just saying 'fine thanx for asking' no matter how I felt.

I just thought it was strange that two people who barely know each other would use the same analogy to describe how they feel.

Peace, Nicke

Yeah... A lot of people have made the same analgy *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:30:53 2002 (#5480)

battered wings
Posted by Marie on Thu Aug 1 19:26:17 2002 (#5458)

I'm back on the banwagon guys... I so desperately want to stop the cutting cycle... I've tried rubber bands around my wrist, 'slashing' with red pens/markers, breathing... any other suggestions for alternative coping mechanisms... I know I can do this... I know I can quit...
"just a fallen angel with battered wings..."
-Marie

Re: battered wings
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Aug 2 02:52:06 2002 (#5471)

Ice...try putting ice on your wrist. Or running cold water over your wrist. Not hot water!

Sugestions
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:27:25 2002 (#5479)

Try getting an old rag doll (goodwill or other 2nd hand store) and when you get upset cut the doll. Then hold her tight and cry with her, take care of her-- sew her wounds kiss them to make them all better.

Get an old doll and use red marker and right on her naked body where it hurts. Hold her and let the feeling out.

Taking care of the dolls is a big part of this approach. Getting to the hurt you feel and letting it out can be very carthargic.
...Dawn

Re: battered wings
Posted by Maggie on Sun Aug 4 13:33:52 2002 (#5542)

The physiological basis of addiction to SI is partly to do with the release of endorphins when you cut/burn etc. Endorphins are the bodies natural opiates which belong to the same family as morphine (pain killer) and heroin (addictive drug). Endorphins are way more potent than either of these drugs, so you can imagine why you feel like cutting over and over again.

Other ways to stimulate the release of endorphins include exercise (ie: running till it hurts, or weightlifting etc.) sex (use this vice with discretion) and eating hot chilli peppers.
I especially recommend the exercise alternative, since it also clears the mind and makes you healthy.

So anyways, try these out. Best of luck.
Luv Maggie.

so sad...
Posted by chez on Thu Aug 1 21:15:44 2002 (#5460)

My mom and brother left fo a vacation today....
and I know if I stayd in this house with my dad Im gonna kill myself so Im going to be at a friends house for awhile....so...Im not gonna be able to write on this board for a little bit.
gosh.....now i feel really alone.....I feel like Im gonna throw up or something.....my mom can be a real bitch...but she really tries to understand what Im going through....and now she away for a long time.....how the hell am I gonna survive...I know I gotta be strong and stuff.....but Im just so scared that one day Im not gonna be able to control myself and do something.....its happened before.....how am I suppose to know that it wont happen again.....well.....I know if Im at my friends place....I'll be farely ok....but I cant stay there forever....man..whats wrong with me???
I cant even sleep.....Its like...going through everything again......cant even talk straight. why cant everything be over already.....just finish everything...Im so tired. just tired.....
Im sorry for babbling off such nonsense.....
Love u guys alot...and Im gonna miss u guys for awhile...take care*

chez

Re: so sad...
Posted by - on Thu Aug 1 21:41:38 2002 (#5464)

hope you stay safe
love you much
*Hugs*
KAT

I look forward to your return *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:15:32 2002 (#5477)

poem....
Posted by chez on Thu Aug 1 21:36:22 2002 (#5461)

waiting for you to hold me tight....
then I'll feel safe for one last time...
Im so scared..Im so terrified....
without you....I feel like Im going to die
Im drowning slowly...
forgetting how to breathe...
oh darling please help me.....
is this how its suppose to be...?
praying for a light
juts a small one to get me through.....
past the hurt and past the pain.....
the life I see in front of me...
dear god please say its not true
its a dream...only a dream....
I'll wake one day and there you'll be
scars will become feathers.....
on my back there shall be wings.....
angels around me to keep me company...
your gentle hand.....holding me tightly
dear god...oh my dear god......
please help me........
help me............................ ...............

He Will!!!!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:17:44 2002 (#5478)

Re: poem....
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:28:51 2002 (#5513)

that is great your a great writer keep sharing take care xxxErryn

Juts a whole lot of nothing
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Aug 2 03:05:31 2002 (#5472)

I feel so numb and out of place,
so free and out of phazee,
Seems like nothing is nothing
no one is no where
no place and no care...
so out of it so out of it,
crying for help but nothing escapes....
just a great big hole to store the space

*sighs*

WOW............ *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:12:08 2002 (#5476)

Re: Juts a whole lot of nothing
Posted by Vapor on Fri Aug 2 06:52:13 2002 (#5486)

hey, u know i feel almost the exact opposite right now... i think id almost rather feel empty. so much shit. so much little shit. so many little details so much that means squat. i just want it all to go blank...
Later, Vapor

Re: Juts a whole lot of nothing
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:28:01 2002 (#5512)

i love it too your great keep sharing take care xxxErryn

A shell of Nothingness
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Aug 2 03:20:02 2002 (#5473)

A shell of nothingness
Feel like something is missing isnide,
doesn't feel like I'm missing anything
Just stare...blank...
Empty
Almost like if you turned a glass upside down
But something is blocking the hole
So nothing can come out
An emty closed bottle.
I gtg.

Great visual!!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 05:10:22 2002 (#5475)

Re: A shell of Nothingness
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:26:50 2002 (#5511)

i like it keep posting take care xxxErryn

sooo..update.
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 2 07:54:15 2002 (#5487)

so bored right now. Havent been posting much but who cares haha. I got a new computer so I been messin with that. Um..my ED is still a big part of my life right now, and truth is right now..just like I used to be with cutting, dont want it to stop. but unlike cutting I feel like its doing me a favor..but I know its killing my body inside..something SI didnt do, only killed me emotionally and stuff.
Havent cut in a few weeks which is good for me although Im pset about the scars Ive caused in the past couple months. Its odd being an observer on this page and not a regular poster, I see things I gues I would never notice before, but one thing I know is always there is te support for anyone who comes alone, no matter who or what they are .
A good group of people here.. anyways.
My minds been over loading with tings lately, havent taken my meds in a while and truth is I feel better..getting back into the drug scene..but Im allowing it.
:(
well thats all..just an update on me.
tell me about you..whoever wants to respond.
*hugs*
KAT

Drugs
Posted by Sam on Fri Aug 2 20:18:12 2002 (#5495)

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling alright without your meds, but turning back to drugs isn't going to help you. TRUST ME. They'll only undo everything good that has happened in your life. Please be strong and try going "straight edge" for a little while. (I know I probably won't affect your decisions, but I thought I'd try.)

Another way....
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 21:48:00 2002 (#5502)

I've noticed you haven't e-mailed me for a while. I wish you would. Of course I understand that I'm older and against drug use and for medication and therapy. I've used both each for years. I have to admit I handled life using alchol and weed for years, but I didn't like the me I was.

Now I understand I've been depressed as far back as I can remember, (all the way back to me in diapers).

I wish I could help you see that drugs do not help. They just get in the way and let you postpone inner healing. For year I drank and smoked weed. But when I stopped I had to deal with the issues in my life and now I think that if I had been sober I would have left my ex before I married him the first time. And I would have got help with my emotional problems. Maybe, maybe not. I didn't know I had emotional problems. I thought the problems in my life were the people in my life.

Then wall-la I was alone and still had the problems. I couldn't blame them on other people anymore. Even if other people caused the trauma. I was the one who was living with it. I grew up afraid of being mentally ill. Now I'm glad I am, because I don't have to be out in the world and be around men. Men see me as a target and I see them as a perpetrator. I'm amazed how my friendship with Paul is going. I make the rules and he let me. Because he RESPECTS me.

You are young and can save yourself further pain by doing taking your meds and getting help so that you are not a 50 year old woman with so many issues that you cannot make a living for yourself because you took drugs to avoid the work you need to do to become a normal human being. Normal people don't do drugs. Normal people have problems and get help for them while the problem is presents itself. They deal with it and move on. People like me see the problem and runs away from it. Some turn to drugs, others to sex or violence. And they stay stuck at what ever age they started to go bad. It is a well known fact that drug addicts and alcoholic stop maturing when they start using and have to grow up in recovery. They have to relearn how to do everything without the drugs and/or alcohol. Then they jumpstart their lives with the work they do in recovery.

Wow, my schooling pays off. It shows I am teachable even in a haze of depression. You can change, all of us can change, but we can undo what we've done. We can only change how we do, or handle a situation. So the choice is yours. Do it with a buzz and wait to do it later again. Or pull yourself along and work through things NOW so you don't have to undo years of stuff you did and have to learn to do them all over.......Dawn

Re: Another way....
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:25:58 2002 (#5510)

hey kat welcome back. you should try to stay away from the drugs i guarentee you will feel better in the long run sorry if i offended you take care xxxErryn

Re: sooo..update.
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 3 01:17:06 2002 (#5516)

Take care of yourself KAT, you are very special
to me. Whenever you get bored, send me an email.
Take care honey,
LOve ya, Rhonda

everyone read
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 2 08:33:37 2002 (#5488)

**I did not write this I got it from deadjournal, and the person who posted it found it on the net so heres a little thing I thought was prtty cool **

The Grinch That Stole Cutting

by Anonymous

The girls in the group all like cutting a lot
But the Grinch, the leader of the group, she did not!

She despised every form of self-mutilation
No matter how upsetting the situation

She said, "There is always a healthier choice.
Here's a novel idea - why not use your voice?

Perhaps if you talk about what is upsetting
You can move on and you can start letting

Go of the anger you carry with you
And that's only one of the good things it will do!

But if you're not ready to talk, that's ok
Just find something distracting to get through the day.

You can draw pictures or you can write letters
Practically every decision is better!

Now, I know that is easier said than it's done
But I'm sure in the end you'll be happy you won

This battle that must be a really tough fight
Especially when you know it's not right."

"But I like to cut! It makes me feel good!"
"Honestly, child, I don't see how it could."

"When you cut deep enough and you know it will scar
You don't think about how miserable you are.

It focuses your thoughts on anything but
The pain deep inside that made you cut."

"But child, cutting does not make the pain go away
It just stores it up for a different day.

A day when it may become too much to keep
And then what will happen if you cut too deep?

Accidents happen - you may go too far
And then you won't get to enjoy your scar."

If its stored up for later, I don't much care
At the moment I cut I won't know that its there.

And that is precisely what I want to achieve
So just let me do it - I'm begging you! Please!

"I've told you, no way, and I won't change my mind.
I never have said that the Grinch was kind.

So, I went home to pout and a week went by,
And I wanted to cut 'cause I couldn't cry;

I wanted to cut 'cause my mom made me mad
I wanted to cut to stop feeling so sad!

But that Grinch took my method of coping away
And I never thought I could get through the days!

Finally, time came to go back to the Grinch
(And I was still hoping she might budge an inch).

She asked, "So what's been happening with you?
And I don't know how, but I started to spew

Events and feelings and thoughts that I had
And you know? It actually wasn't that bad!

The words just kept flowing, I never even tried
To stop them and stuff them back down inside!

And the Grinch never laughed and I didn't feel dumb
Like I thought that I would, so no need to run.

No, I stayed and let go of the crap that upset me
And guess what? When I left I felt totally free!

No negative thoughts to weigh myself down;
No escaping to my head (since I can't skip town).

No sickening thoughts of slicing my arm;
No thoughts whatsoever of any self-harm.

Now, if you're reading this and you're in a similar spot
You might be thinking, "Cutting's all that I've got!

There's simply no way that I can quit,"
"But settle down, don't throw a fit.

Believe me, that's what I thought, too
But if I can do it, so can YOU!

I'm not superwoman - I'm not very strong
But I've only been making things worse all along

Why continue a pattern someone else began
And continue to hurt yourself? - instead take a stand!

Tell those people that you're human, too
And you have feelings just like they do.

And make up your mind to get those feelings out
Do whatever you must - whisper or shout.

But don't ignore them 'cause they don't go away
You just store them up as the Grinch would say.

And they'll creep up behind you when you're not prepared
And you never know if your life will be spared."

I'm so thankful the Grinch looked out for me
When I was just too sick to see

What I was doing was unnecessary pain
And now I can see that I have gained

Respect for myself and my body and mind
And to the world, I am no longer blind.

I'm aware of what happens around me, BUT...
I don't get involved, so I don't want to cut!

So to those who self-mutilate and are reading this now
I know it's not easy but I've showed you how

And I hope that you might give this a try
'Cause I know you are worth it and so am I.

:)
KAT

Re: everyone read *NM*
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 2 17:10:44 2002 (#5490)

Re: everyone read
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 2 17:12:57 2002 (#5491)

Hmmm that's quite odd...I posted a message...but it didn't post anything I wrote and it put *NM* in the subject line...riiiight. Ok. Well, thank you KAT for posting that. I enjoyed it. :-)

Re: everyone read
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 21:12:37 2002 (#5498)

Thanks Kat, that was very enlightening.

Re: everyone read
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Aug 2 21:23:34 2002 (#5500)

that was the cutest thing i've ever read. thank you for posting it. take care. <3 always
scaredinthedark

Re: everyone read
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:23:08 2002 (#5509)

that is a great poem. im going to share it with my friend take care xxxErryn

Re: everyone read
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 3 12:14:38 2002 (#5530)

Kat
Thats so great!
Ella x

I believe writing helps but...
Posted by Agent23 on Fri Aug 2 11:14:45 2002 (#5489)

i never did express my feelings to anyone b4... at school i laugh and play, but when i go into my room... i satrt cutting and i hope i never stop. i would go on and on and not realize how much it hurt until i am too tired... that is only when i have alot of blood around... so i starting writing and all. i am a good writer, but even as i vent out my feelings into words, i still have the urge to cut.... i really don't know what to do...

This might sound stupid, but...
Posted by Sam on Fri Aug 2 20:23:02 2002 (#5496)

When I have the strength not to cut, I love to write as well, and here's my advice: cut your journl/notebook/etc. You can dig a pen it really deep or grab you cutting tool, (whatever that may be) and go crazy. It probably seems strange, but it's symbolic artwork when you think about it.

Sometimes a cut is worth a thousand words.

Re: This might sound stupid, but...
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:17:03 2002 (#5508)

i like to write to, sometimes i think all cutters like to write becuz we can express ourselves just like cutting. cutters know pain. feel free to share any writings. take care Erryn

Re: This might sound stupid, but...
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 3 12:03:57 2002 (#5528)

Hi
Erryn's right, I LOVE TO WRITE, poetry, short stories and lyrisc lie all over my room, cutting is a raw expression of pain, where as writing processes the pain, which I why at the moment I cut more then write as the pain is immediate.
Ella x
PS welcome to the board, hope you come back and write again...

Ok I have a question about myself
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 2 17:21:48 2002 (#5492)

Yeah, I feel sort of weird and stupid telling you all this because I've never told anyone this before. It's not anything horrible or anything, I just want to know if anyone else does this or if I'm totally weird. Ok, well I sort of have this imaginary family inside my head that I pretend to be a part of. I don't physically pretend or talk to them or anything. It's just a place I go to inside my head and I imagine a NICE family who cares about me and doesn't yell and I can imagine telling them stuff and instead of ignoring they try to help. I go there when I'm sad or bored or when I can't take the yelling. Does anyone else have a place like that? Am I really crazy or something?

Re: Ok I have a question about myself
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 2 20:07:33 2002 (#5493)

I think EVERYONE has a place like that, no matter if theyre depressed happy, whatever.
Your not crazy at all.
:)
KAT

I did for years
Posted by Dawn on Fri Aug 2 21:00:46 2002 (#5497)

I never told anyone about it because I thought I was doing something bad when I started I imagined my family dead. I imagined my husband dead from before he was my husband and I married and divorced him twice.

From what I have learned about that it is very common especially in abusive families. I figured out on my own that my musings were related to how people treated me, and with my husband I had vowed to myself to love him for life and imagined him dead because I could not see me loving someone else while he remained alive.

It wasn't until he was in his car accident, while I was imagining him dead, that I realized I would see him dead before he recovered that I decided to stop.

For a long time I didn't do the musing but started after my memories came back. When I started again the scenes in my head were totally gore. I imagined being stabbed 20-30 times following a rape and it was in the media how I narrowly escaped death. I figured out that people didn't seem to think my experiences with rape was very important because there was never any violence about it, so by creating the violence in my head I could work through my real experiences and anayized them myself.

I was quite good and the outcome was somewhat of a miracle because the more gore I created in my head the less I cut myself.

And now I do not have to imagine a life where people listen to me. Because people on the board do that for me. Coming here has been theraputic for me. Thanks everyone who reads this....Dawn

Re: I did for years
Posted by murie on Fri Aug 2 22:53:05 2002 (#5504)

Dawn, that's interesting. At one time the only way I could get to sleep at night was by imagening horrible gory things happening to me (blood & guts stuff) or watching horror films etc I know my SI was in part about crying out about my experiences of trauma without having to speak. Kind of like saying "this is how much I'm hurt", but I'd never thought about thinking about gore as a way of dealing with the way other ppl have invalidated my experiences of trauma.

thanks for your post, it gave me something to think about

Re: Ok I have a question about myself
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Aug 2 21:17:09 2002 (#5499)

no you are not crazy and don't let anyone say you are. i have an imaginary family too lol. i really do and if you don't mind me sayin it's totally ok with me. so if you are ok with it then it's fine. take care of yourself. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

Re: Ok I have a question about myself
Posted by murie on Fri Aug 2 22:44:52 2002 (#5503)

When I was young, I had an imaginary/ "other-world" older Sister called JO & she left me because she couldn't stand my life, but she said she'd come back, but she hasn't. It was imaginary but it was probably also one of my earliest memories of experiencing rejection.

I have other worlds, that I go to, where I'm not living a perfect life, or a particularly better one, just a different life, sometiems as someone else. Sometimes I find myself thinking about ppl & places & mundane things that bear no reality in the world from which I'm writing to you now, and I see things going on in other times & other places. Despite this ppl don't think I'm crazy, odd perhaps but not crazy.

I wouldn't even say my other worlds were imagainary, because I don't think them up, they happen without my concious control.

Re: Ok I have a question about myself
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:14:18 2002 (#5507)

i agree with everyone else. i think everyone does this. i do it at work. i wish those made up things would come true. take carexxxErryn

Re: Ok I have a question about myself
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 3 01:14:56 2002 (#5515)

I don't think you're crazy. I think it must help
you to calm down if you can imanage someplace
nice. Don't worry about it. I think you are just
fine. Take care honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

I do the same
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 3 12:07:02 2002 (#5529)

Hi
Wow, I didn't think anyone did that but me! I have people inside my head, I don't talk to them or anything, just feel thier presence and thier safety. But don't think your wierd, because I also have rooms in my head which I go to, bet your not that wierd?! Ella x

2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by Jamie on Fri Aug 2 21:39:12 2002 (#5501)

1. umm if i'm taking welbutrin...and drinking smoking...and smoking weed...do any of you know how this will fuck with me?

2. what kind of music do you all like? like bands...etc. i was just curious...music is a big thing for me

thanks,
jamie

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by KAT on Fri Aug 2 23:00:49 2002 (#5505)

okay Ive been on welbutrin a long time, almost more then a year now and I have barely smoked any weed while on it or drank. when I was going to do drugs I didnt take my meds for a few days but they were still in me. I thought I was going to die. I felt like shit. my body was shaking, heart was beating out of my chest.
it says it causes seizures and lots of other problems possibly cardiac arrest..please be careful. I know what kind of situation your in though.
As for music, I love all kinds of things.
:
PanterA
Sublime
Nirvana
Morbid angel
AFI
lots of punk
metal and stuff
and other stuff
:)
LOVE
KAT

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by Erryn on Sat Aug 3 00:11:52 2002 (#5506)

hey ive never taken it so i cant help you there. but the music thing i love music to. i like puddle of mudd, creed, and i love pink. see ya Erryn

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Aug 3 01:13:19 2002 (#5514)

I've never taken it so I can't help you though I
know it's not good to mix acohlcol(?) and medicine. As far as music, I'll listen to most stuff but I'm mainly bluegrass(Yeh, I know!!!),
classic rock, easy listening, and country. But I'll listen to just about anything except rap and
the really heavy metal that I can't even understand the words. Guess it's just my age kicking in!!!!! Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 3 03:57:54 2002 (#5517)

I've never taken the stuff either, but mixing street drugs (including alcohol) is hard on your internal organs. Not a good thing to do, but I've done it lots in the past, rarely lately, however when I'm in a bad space I don't give a rats behind what it does... until it makes me ill all over, then I wise up and get clean and sober ad stay that way.

I listen to contempary Christian music and relaxation tapes and CDs.

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by diana on Sat Aug 3 05:32:30 2002 (#5518)

hey .. i did welbutrin for a while too. and i only know a little about it because i chose not to listen to the stupid guy. but its supposed to help you quit smoking too because its the same thing, but a different name, that is used for smokers to help quit. another thing is, you really shouldn't take it if you drink because it makes ur tollerance lower and it fucks you up or whatever. i duno, i still drank n smoked on it, but hell look at me lol. im still fucked up n that shit didn't work, didn't help you concentrate or whatever it was supposed to help you do.-diana

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by Jamie on Sat Aug 3 06:31:30 2002 (#5519)

hey thanks for replying everyone...i dunno i figuired not too many people would be into this stuff...but i like..*john mayer*..pete yorn, ben folds, weezer, dashboard confessional, counting crows, dmb, howie day, greenday, blink182, sublime, bob schneider, martin sexton,...and older stuff like hendrix,..grateful dead, allman bros., bob dylan, the doors,...i'm a huge bob marley fan...wow!!! lol just to name a few haha..sorry i kinda go off on music stuff...theres a shitload more music that i like...i could go on forever! but you get the idea..i guess it just makes me feel a lot better to talk about music...so you don't have to reply...i just thought i would ramble...i feel better now
jamie

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 3 07:54:59 2002 (#5522)

Truth it be, I've never tried drugs. Gotten drunk once and never agian. Touch the beer lightly, like a few sips or something, but thats it. The only drugs i touch is that of my meds..and there failing agian. *Sighs* Music...anything i want. Linken Park. Nirvana. Jakck Off Jill....Dido, Creed, NickeLback...the list goes on. I hear what i feel. thats how i am/

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 3 12:00:10 2002 (#5527)

Hey
Not on any meds so can't help you there, but I smoke weed and drink a lot so I guess I'm lucky I'm not on them.
But as for music, music is my life! Sad I know, but I love it! I love Bob Dylan, Donovan, Leonard Cohen, The Verve, Elbow, Coldplay, Travis, Cowboy Junkies, Dido, David Grey, Bob Marley, Ella Fitzgerald (who I was named after!), Billy Holiday, Nirvana, Greenday and Staind to name just a few! ha, I need to get a life, I know...

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by Sam on Sat Aug 3 18:13:55 2002 (#5532)

I'm not sure about the details of the wellbutrin thing, but I'm pretty sure it's not smart.

Music I can babble about for hours. I like mostly metal, alternative, and gothic music. A few of my favorite bands are KoRn, Godsmack, Jack Off Jill, Silverchair, Rasputina, and Mudvayne.

Sam

everyone on here needs to buy the staind cd!!!
Posted by *me* on Sun Aug 4 04:50:38 2002 (#5537)

Hey I can't help you with the medicine thing at all...but I'll talk about music! I listen to alllll kinds of stuff..everything from hip hop and pop to Creed and Staind (and EVERYONE EVERYONE EVERYONE HERE NEEDS TO BUY THE STAIND CD!!!) I relate to Staind a lot..and I love the new Pink cd too.

Re: 2 questions...everyone read!
Posted by chez on Sun Aug 4 06:19:04 2002 (#5539)

music....
i liseten to all kinds.
lifehouse, papa roach, eminem, godsmack, drowning pool...etc etc. rock n stuff....I think thats really cool

I was able to cut.. I feel like crying but can't
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 3 07:33:29 2002 (#5520)

I have not been able to cut. Too many scars on the inside of my left arm. The right was has scars too but not as many and I needed to cut bad and went to work on my right forearm.

You ay be asking why. I was fine a half hour ago. I was next door helping my neighbor clean his counters so he could set my big crockpot on it to finish cooking some soup I made and was going to pour down the garbage dsposal because I could not eat it. Then I was looking through his piles of old mail, new mail, magazines and other STUFF on on his desk in search of an address label and I saw a magazine and turned it over....It was Playboy. I hate that trash. I jokingly hit him with it trying not to break out in tears. But there is nothing funny about it.

He cannot be my boyfriend anymore, a friend but not a boy friend. No more quick kisses NEMore... n way no how.I don't want to be kissed by somebody who is intersrested he that trash. No good ever came of a relationship with anyman who bbrought that trash home. I can't do it I can be somebody playgirl. No never again. I hate it I hate hit. I want to cut cut cut.

Paul treats me goood do not misunderstand that. He treats me better than anyone I had any romantic relationship with. But my ex used to make me dress up like a slut and preform perverted acts no loving wife should have to do.

I can't go over there and cut up his magazine but I can cut up myself. I saw the front cover I am not that kind of woman. Now I know why he isn't more romantic with me.

Oh I don't knw what to do. I took two valums and I think I will go take my nighttime meds and let them kick my ass. Pardon me for cussing but in matter of sexual conduct the foul language better fits my mood. I can't just say "Well bless my socks" It is more like get the fuck out of my life and don't let me find out you are perverted.

It hurts. It makes all my memories come alive and fight each other to replay in my mind ooh I feel so dirty. I haven't even though about suicide for a very long time ....
5 no maybe 5 and a half years. But I have half a mind to overdose. But Rhonda I couldn't do that to you. You are a great friend and I have a package to mail you. And I'm hungry to read the book you found me by my favorite author. I will not kill myself I have too much to live for. I have the board and the people on it.I live in PST and it is 10:26 PM here on Friday night. That makes it 7:30 (now) on Saturday in England. N E Way pray for me. You don't have to beg. God loves me more than you and works "All things for my good according to his purpose.

I'm tired now. good night. Thanks for reading

Re: I was able to cut.. I feel like crying but can
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 3 07:50:20 2002 (#5521)

Wow Dawn...i feel for you. If i had a razor in my hand i'd be gone in a few minutes. And it would only be my fourth episode...guess that's all it takes. I feel so alone...so quaint and pent up...i wish i could cry. I've wanted to so bad for the last few days. My drawing isn't even working. My work is trash. I need to get off these meds but then i get a major headache. OOooohhh if I could only find a simple way to end it and be done....right now. JUST RIGHT NOW. no one would know for several days, at least the ones who seem to care....but the one who does care...he'd probebly end his life after he found out...I couldn't do that to him. Oh god why do i have to be his life line??? WHY ME?!

Re: I was able to cut.. I feel like crying but can
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 3 08:07:26 2002 (#5523)

Dawn..Im not sure what to say, Im not trying to down play the events of your night but Ive had a terrible night I will e-mail you..dont feel a need to respond though.

Im sorry you had to see that side of Paul, Ive always heard such great things about him and although he looks at playboy I guess that still does not make him a terrible person, but I can understand where you are coming from totally.
its justifiable aswell.
Im sorry youve had to see that..I can see how that would totally change your mind about it. That sucks.
and aboutt he cutting, I know you know maybe more then a lot of people, you can get back on the right track with swome effort, and cutting is so good but so good for that moment only.
please be careful dawn..
suicidal toughts take over fast and quick and dont leave you time to get a hold of yourself,
take care
love
Kat.

I feel so alone
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Aug 3 08:16:41 2002 (#5524)

lately i've been feeling so alone
Down and out cold

The pian wells up,
and I feel thrashed and swung about
With nothing to hold me afloat

No one, no how,
I'm frozen in dought.

So close to home,
yet so far from peace.

HOme sweet home?
who ever said that should be hung.

Kiss the flames that lick my cheek
and sing me sweetly for my grace to keep
let the red pains drain
for my tears are capped and unstained

Let me die,
It'll be so sweet,
the one thing that will bring me to my knees.

Such surine qualities...
the open wounds...like flies apon a spoon

Sting my pores, and spill my sores,
and lay me down for my Ever rest.

Goodnight cruel world,
may you soon lie in death.

Re: I feel so alone
Posted by KAT on Sat Aug 3 08:51:06 2002 (#5525)

thas was well written, I especially liked the last part. I feel something similar to that often.

KAT

Re: I feel so alone
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Aug 3 11:52:45 2002 (#5526)

Exactly how I feel, well written as well, I wish I could write poems right now like I used to, but even that solace seems impossible.
Ella x

Re: I feel so alone
Posted by Dawn on Sat Aug 3 20:24:11 2002 (#5534)

Wow another great visual. This is good work for your inner peace. Keep writing. Write as much as you can. It is gooooood therapy. If you havenn't yet you will see results soon. By transfering your emotional thoughts and feelings to paper you defeat them and take their power away frm hurting you. Again Goooood work...Dawn