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Threads 1101 to 1125

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Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 27 21:55:11 2002 (#5318)

hey I dunno if you are reading any of these posts but I wanted to see how you are doing.
I remember a while ago,I dunno exactly when, maybe a month, few weeks, a while ago I was extremly down and we talked in the SI chat for a little whole and that was really sweet.
so that's all.

take care everyone
love you all

*KAT*

i'm sorry
Posted by *Poison on Sat Jul 27 22:30:48 2002 (#5319)

i'm sorry you guys, i haven't been keeping up with all of your posts the last couple of days, because honestly i don't know what to say. i'm so far gone that nothing comes to my mind. all of you help me sooo much and i want to do the same for you, i guess my problem is that i'm afraid all of you don't like me. and the only way that you will is if i reply to every post. it's just my insecurities. i'm sorry. i know that sounds stupid but it's the truth. and a lot of you are having a hard time lately and i want to be there for you, and in spirit i am, i don't know, i'm just a self-centered little bitch who can't do anything right.

i'm moving to my dad's again, i feel like i'm betraying all of my friends back at my mom's house because they all got me through some of the toughest times in my life and now i'm abandoning them. i think they all resent me for it too. i don't know what to do. and i say that a lot because i just see a block in the road and give up instead of finding a way around it. i'm too....i don't know the word, my doctor says it is still depression but i just don't feel it, it's more like a blah empty numb feeling. not a sad depressed feeling.

i'll stop wasting all of your time....

i'm sorry,
Amanda

Re: i'm sorry
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 28 01:16:10 2002 (#5326)

dont feel bad, you aren't letting us down.
Its understandable not everyone has time to reply to every post.
we're here whenever
feel better
KAT

I'm the happiness patrol.... ha ha
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 28 02:32:56 2002 (#5329)

You are one among many. We all have days where we just don't know what to say in response to posts. Hopefully this change will help you get better. Some times a chang of geography is like a light bulb coming on to shine its light on own problems and kick starts our lives getting us moving in the right direction. I guess that is why therapist and doctors changes meds a lot. Take care. Rmember for here for you. love and hugs...Dawn

Re: i'm sorry
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 28 04:34:30 2002 (#5333)

hey girl you dont have to say sorry im here if you need anything okay take care xxxErryn

Whats the point?
Posted by Becky on Sat Jul 27 22:57:51 2002 (#5320)

This is the first time I have ever been on the net lookin for things to help me with my self harming.But finding this web site has helped me to understand that I am not the only person feeling this extreme. Life seems so fucked up at the moment and I feel so alone. I think about suicide alot. But I'm too scared to commit suicide. That makes me so pathetic. But suicide is the only to escape from the pressure, the pain, the hatred and this fucked up thing we call life.
I dont get it, why am feeling like this? I have no reason...... I have a caring family, some good friends. But it just seems like no one really cares anymore. They'd all be happier if I disappeared.
Whats wrong with me? Why am I thinking and feeling this way?
Am I normal?

Re: Whats the point?
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 28 01:18:23 2002 (#5327)

Depression becomes a disease when it takes over your life and controls you, as it seems like its doing.
suicidal thoughts and attempts come along with that, I think you are normal, but have some problems that definently need to be delt with.
dont wait till its to lait to get help( its true)

life gets better
KAT

Good advise Kat.
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 28 02:39:05 2002 (#5330)

This board is the place to come to get thinking errors straightened out and our lives back on track. Stay safe, stay strong, and hope things get better for you."
:-) love and hugs...Dawn

Re: Whats the point?
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 28 04:31:02 2002 (#5332)

well welcome im Erryn, i cant answer all your question or maybe none of your question but we all are here to listen only you know why and it takes time and you wanting to stop. if you need anything just ask take care xxxErryn

Re: Whats the point?
Posted by Sam on Sun Jul 28 21:03:08 2002 (#5345)

I can't tell you why you're depressed, but I can tell you that there is such thing as "atypical" depression, where there is no direct reason for it. If there's nothing in your past that you think could be triggering your feelings, that's okay. Don't feel bad about feeling bad: it's a bad cycle to get into.

Anyway, I hope this board will provide some refuge for you when you're feeling down, but I would also suggest that you talk to a "real" (non-internet) person. The board's great, but it works best to supplement professional care. (I'm a hypocrite, I can only afford to see a professional when the school shrink is available, and even then I barely tell her anything, so do as I say, not as I do.)

Stay safe and e-mail me if you'd like.

Sam

*me* possible trigger
Posted by *Poison on Sat Jul 27 23:04:41 2002 (#5321)

here is a song i found that has the mentioning of cutting in it. it's pretty triggering so be careful this is the closest i could find to a song totally about cutting.

(Violent J)
I jump in a mosh-pit, but I'm alone
Between four tree's I get it on
My brain is hemorhaging, it's them or me
It aint easy knocking over a tree
Pass out, I wake up, the room is padded
It would appear i've had it, but hold up
Close river, wrap'em around my neck
And jump myself to death, no breath
Now I'm out, I'm strapped down
Wait, I can still move my head around
I got about 4 inches between the back of my head
And the metal gurney bed (boom)
Slammin' it, retractions
I feel the back of my skull is cracking
A broken bone is peircing my brain
And oh! I just hammered it in

(Monoxide Child)
I'm sittin' in the dark, talking to myself
Why does everybody tell me that I need help
I'm in love with pain, I take a needle or a knife
And drive that mother fucker through my wind pipe
Just might take a razor blade, dip it in some gas
See if I can take a little skin off the calf
Grotesque`, I'm a walking body bag
And when it all heals, I'll pick the scabs

(Blaze Ya Dead Homie)
Alone in the casket, buried in the earth
Self-inflicketed wounds, blood stains on my t-shirt
Kick at the door til' my legs fall off
Try to use my head but my skull to soft
The pain overwhlems, shootin' through my kidney
Blood rushes out when I stick the shank in me
Keep stabbin' and stickin', a wound opened up again

CLICK ABOVE TO VISIT OUR SPONSORS

Cut off oxygen, take my own life again

[Chorus: repeat 2X]
Why....tell me why...do you hurt yourself
When you know I love you? (Stop Me!)

(Marz)
Ya try to run up on me, and pull a piece out that belt
I smiled, grabbed that shit and shot my fucking self
I staple my tattoos on, see me close eye'd
Runnin' in the traffic, just to get my bruise on
An icepick through the head of my dick
I might slice up my face & my lips
My main artery, is beggin' me
To let it float free, grab a razor blade, let it bleed

(Shaggy 2Dope)
A layer of skin, ooh, I pull it back
And smooth it back down with one simple smack
Wednesday nights I got kicked off my bowling league
Just 'cause I show up ????
Yea go ahead, curse me you faggots
So I throw my legs under moving cars, you got your habbits
I don't consider it hurtin' myself
It brings me joy, now shut the fuck up, here! (batter up)(crack)

(Jamie Madrox)
Cut and slice away with the steak knife
Hit myself in the ankle with PVC pipe
Exact-O-Blade, underneith the finger nail
Bleed and make another cut, fuckin' might as well
Table spoon of Mortan's salt in an open wound
If it don't burn you don't know what you doin'
If you fail, just return to start
Self-defecation, is a beautiful art

Re: *me* possible trigger
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 27 23:14:31 2002 (#5322)

oh man, lol, I hate ICP and twiztid very much.

but Im glad u found it ( if thats it)

KAT

Re: *me* possible trigger
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 28 01:23:47 2002 (#5328)

Those are tight.

Re: *me* possible trigger
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 28 04:28:24 2002 (#5331)

cool song im glad you found it take care xxxErryn

Re: *me* possible trigger
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 28 08:02:39 2002 (#5336)

Hey Amanda...ahhh that's not the song I heard but it's still pretty cool. I can't believe you're still looking for me. Thanks! I spent an hour the other day looking for it and I couldn't find it. I even found this lyrics search page thing and typed in that one line I know, and they were like, "No songs with those lyrics." I'm like, Um, yeah there are because I heard them. lol. Well thanks for posting the song and for looking...I'll let you guys know if I find anything.

ICP
Posted by Sam on Sun Jul 28 21:07:00 2002 (#5346)

Are you an ICP/Twiztd fan or did you just hear the song? Just wondering, trying to get a better feel for those of us on the board an what we have in common outside of SI.

Sam

...well
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 28 01:14:57 2002 (#5325)

theres to much petty fighting in this world to keep someone down.

Im not going to let it get to me anymore, you shouldn't either.
KAT

Re: ...well
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Jul 29 03:33:06 2002 (#5351)

That about says it all!!!! I'm behind you all the
way KAT. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

when will it be over?
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 28 05:51:58 2002 (#5334)

Okay Ive been betrayed by the two people I most loved (besides family). Its been over a year, and I thought I was over it.
Tonight I saw a bunch of pictures of my old best friend and old boyfriend who are now dating, and I know Im going to cut tonight because all the memories and pain is quickly over coming my body. They drove me to suicide, and when I tried they laughed and told me to continue. Please ..tell me.
when will I get over this? when will I not care anymore, when will I stop hating them and wishing theyd die. I dont have any feelings for him anymore but hate and disgust and same for her, so why does it still upset me.
I need to be free from them, but I feel like I'll never be
Okay maybe this sounds stupid but to all of you..but its hurting me in the worst way.

KAT

Re: when will it be over?
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 28 08:08:02 2002 (#5337)

Awww KAT...I don't know what to tell you. People suck sometimes. They're horrible and they cause us pain and suffering. Please stay safe. They're not worth it. Think of it that way. You're here in pain because of the memories, but they are to stupid to realize what they've lost - an awesome person like you. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEM. Take care of yourself, okay? Life sucks sometimes, but we're here to help you through it. Email me if you want, ok? STAY SAFE.

Re: when will it be over?
Posted by murie on Sun Jul 28 14:27:06 2002 (#5341)

Kat (don't know that you are going to like what I've got to share, but may be it might give you something to think about).

I constantly blamed my SI & suicide attempts on other ppl who had hurt me. It's true that (like yourself) I had been very hurt in my life & what they did was wrong. However today i believe that my pain continued because I WANTED IT TO CONTINUE. I was unwilling to "let it go", so instead I hung on to the pain & resentments of the past because it felt like that was all I had left. Feeling and "fixing" on the pain from the past was a way of avoiding WHAT I WAS REALLY FEELING IN THE PRESENT, which was mostly numb & worthless. My past however painful made me feel SOMETHING & that was better for me than fear that I was nothing or could never acheive anything in my life.

I would fix on the past, doing work, watching tv programs or engageing in conversations or friendships that I knew I could use to re-experience the pain from the past & deliberatley put myself in situations (may be even manipulate situations) so that I could claim to be "triggered" into suicide attempts or SI, by situations (ppl & things) outside of myself. But the truth was the real problem was inside me, how I felt in the here & now & fear about getting honest about that (not whatever may have happened to me in the past).

So in answer to your question, "When will it be over?" I'd answer when you want it to be. When you are ready to let it go. It seems from your posts that you may be reaching that point. May be like me you had an "emotional investment" in holding on to the pain, memories & resentments of the past.

I can only write from my own experience & I am not suggesting that the place I was in is the same place you are in now, but I thought it might help to share my experiences.

I "let go" of the past, when having fixed on being a victim for so long, I became a victim again of a similar type of violence & I thought that I didn't want to give power to my perpetrator (the person who had hurt me) to allow myself to remain a victim.

all the best

murie

Re: when will it be over?
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 28 16:32:20 2002 (#5343)

im sorry i cant help you very much but know that you have true friends here. i had a best friend who betrayed me and ask me to help her cut. so we are not friends just try to tell yourself you dont care whatever happens happens. i hope i helped a little if you need anything just ask. take carexxxErryn

Kat, sweetie, I'm here for you
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 28 22:58:16 2002 (#5350)

I know betrayal far too well. I still hurt from my ex. (my children's father) the other one was a flash in the pan marriage to him was 6 months from when we met till our divorce was final. But Bob was and still is far different. My whole being was sacrificed to be with him. Then after 13 years he teamed up with a 20 year old who was 6 years older than our oldest daughter. I was crushed. And part of me still is and will be until he dies. That was what I planned for us. Together til death do us part.

It is difficult Kat, but there is only one way to let them go. It is to forgive them both and let God execute his vengence upon them. But you also have to face the fact that they may turn their lives over to God and He will forgive them too. Either way forgiving them releases you to be happy no matter what they do. It is difficult there is no getting around that. But as you say they aren't bothered by their betrayal, you are. Forgiveness is not even about them. It is about Kat and freedom from the pain. I know how it works because I have to forgive all of the ppl who hurt me. Even my adopted brother and my mother who died before I remembered my assaults which I blame her for. And forgiveness is not a one time deal. Everytime their name comes up or you want to blame them for your bad feelings. Here is a though that goes with Murie's reponse. Just maybe you are fixating on them because you can slip the responsibility for cutting on them, but they are not putting your weapon in your hands, you are. You are cutting yourself because you give yourself permission too. We are all responsible for hurting ourselves. No one forses us too injure our bodies which in turn injures how we feel about ourselves. Taking responsibility for our own actions is the beginning of quiting. Not one of us on here will even stop harming our bodies without first owning up to the responsible of doing it ourselves. It is tough but I have faith that you can rise to the challenge and forgive others for something you do to yourself. I wouldn't say all this if I didn't have to do my own forgiving first. Peace of mind is the prize of forgiveness. Email me I'm here for you to dump on okay!!!!:-)Dawn

fading scars
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 28 08:14:41 2002 (#5338)

Ok you guys, I need help. I have this massive scar on my shoulder, and I need to fade it. It's raised, and purple, and large. No lotion or vitamin E capsule has faded/smoothed it yet. And it's too big for makeup to cover. Next year is my senior year, and I AM GOING TO ALL OF THE DANCES. I'm determined and I'm not going to let my life be more upset by scars. So I need to find a way to get rid of that one scar. The other ones are smaller or able to be hidden..but not this one. Does anyone know of anything that REALLY works well? I know they make those special lotiony things just for fading scars..has anyone tried those? Do they work? HELP!!!

Re: fading scars
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 28 08:55:51 2002 (#5339)

Im using a thing called mederma. It has helped my really bad purple bright raised scars soooooooooo much, it takes a few months for it too really show up, but if you use it right..you will def. see a difference, IM glad your not gonna let this run your life, thats great. have fun, hope you find something that really works. and thanks for helpin me.
KAT

Re: fading scars
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 28 16:22:26 2002 (#5342)

i use the same stuff there are alot of patchs and new things they are coming out with. im glad you will be getting out and i hope you stick with it. good luck and take care xxxErryn

Good news! Time fades scars
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 28 22:23:36 2002 (#5347)

I have had big scars from rotator cuff repairs on both shoulders. At first they were massive 6-8 inches long and at least an inch wide. Purple/red and screamed at people that I'd had surgery. Now the scars are barely noticeable. I've also had carpel tunnel surgery years ago and if I were to show you where on both hands you would not believe I had surgery there either. My hand thearapist told me that massaging the scars will help the scar tissue to break up and soften then with time the scars will fade on their own without all those expensive creams and lotions.

I also have scars on my left arm which were large to begin with and now they have faded and softened without massaging them. But it takes time. Young people heal faster than I do at age 50 so hopefully your scar will have disappeared by the time you graduate. I'm glad that scarring is now a big deal to you and you can stop cutting.
Hope I've been of help:)Dawn

A song (trigger?)
Posted by Sam on Sun Jul 28 22:48:26 2002 (#5348)

Hey everyone - I found a song on one of my CDs that is pretty SI-inspired. It's by Jack-Off-Jill, a band that no longer exists, and it's called "Strawberry Gashes."

Turn her over
A candle is lit
I see through her
blow it out and save all her ashes for me
Curse me
Sold her
The poison that runs its course through her
pale white skin with strawberry gashes
all over - all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over

Called her over
and aske her if she was improving
she said feels fine it's wonderful - wonderful here
Hex me
Told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over
all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"
Scold me
Failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her pale white skin that twisted and withered
away from away from

Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else
get away from me
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over
All over ME

If you want to hear it, you can download or stream it from mp3.com below.

Re: A song (trigger?)
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 28 22:51:40 2002 (#5349)

yah i like JOJ, good song.
thanks for posting it!
:)
KAT

song
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jul 29 05:54:41 2002 (#5354)

I LOVE IT!! thank you for posting it.
*Huggles*
~Major Lone~

just coudn't resist (triggering!!!!!!!!)
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 29 04:45:24 2002 (#5352)

why am I so stupid? I give in so easily..okay so here's what happened, read at your own risk..could be triggering.

Went to the restroom, I was back there so I started digging through the medicine cabinets, found some monoxo chloride syrup and a bunch of pills my parents had saved or stored away for some unknown reason, wanted to just robo trip myself away all night. Drank a lot of the syrup, then I found a little bottle that looked familiar to me. I had given up my big heavy duty razor blades ( the large and sharp ones) to my mom like 6 months ago before I left for the hospital, they were in an old pill bottle. why the fuck did she save them? why! I gave them to her to dispose of them because I knew if I had keepin them I would have used them. So I took one out and cut my wrist. havent cut on my arms in 5 months..so that all went down the drain now. and theres no point of me doing this, I felt like a euphoric high earlier on life..I was just reading books and felt it, and now this? I dont understand one bit. It was there so I did it, couldnt I have resisted.
I cant resists especially when it comes to drugs and alcohol, I have driven drunk and I swore to myself that I would never do that in my entire life, and I did. Im such a loser. why did I do this? Im going to cut some-more. sorry everyone, I know I cant say please dont be triggered by this, but try. Its all me..just me.
This post has no point, Im so angrey with myself..anger for myself leads to bullshit.
god......why am I like this!

....
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 29 04:47:02 2002 (#5353)

WWWWHYYYYYY!???
:(
kat

Re: ....
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jul 29 05:58:57 2002 (#5355)

Jeez Kat...that really was a lot to through away like that...guess that doesn't make you feel any better...well....good luck. Get some help. I'm here...but might not be posting as much...just feeling a little...well unwelcomed suddenly.
*huggles*
~lone~

Re: ....
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 29 06:17:13 2002 (#5356)

thanks lone. I know it was alot to throw away, but it doesnt matter because its not like my life is going anywhere important anyway..maybe Ill just end up a junkie in a box in the gutter..where I belong huh?
why are you feeling un-welcomed?
you know that everyone is welcomed here, everyone.
trust me..we are all alike in this situation of crap. and we can all help each other out, no matter what.

KAT

Re: just coudn't resist (triggering!!!!!!!!)
Posted by chez on Mon Jul 29 10:47:06 2002 (#5359)

hey Kat, this is chelle.
how r u doing hunnie?
Im worrying sick about you....seriously..
scream yell...whatever....punch the walls.
Im here ok? Im always here.

love you*
chelle

Re: just coudn't resist (triggering!!!!!!!!)
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jul 30 01:25:24 2002 (#5366)

What can I do to help honey? I'm here for you.
I love ya,
Rhonda

Re: just coudn't resist (triggering!!!!!!!!)
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 30 11:53:33 2002 (#5380)

Kat
Everyone slips up right? so don't punish yourself, get rid of the blades if you are ready and resume your self-harm-free-life, if you aren't ready then no ones forcing you, but one slip doesn't mean you've thrown all your hard work away. Email me, yeah?
Ella x

Re: just coudn't resist (triggering!!!!!!!!)
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 30 20:13:55 2002 (#5387)

Hey KAT...I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. We all know what those are like and what they can do to us. NOT FUN. But I agree with Ella, one slip up does NOT NOT NOT mean that all your hard work was wasted. If you think you're ready, start over. Yes, it's going to be hard, you know that. But we're here to help. Don't beat yourself up (that IS meant to be taken both ways haha) over a slip up. We all slip up. It's part of life...especially part of ours. But it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't mean you wasted 5 monthes, all it means is that you're HUMAN. It's ok. Email me if you want to. I'm here.

Anyone from New Jersey
Posted by Morten Wulff on Mon Jul 29 10:07:23 2002 (#5357)

I just got this email from Ally Bauder, who works for News 12 in New Jersey:

---
Hi. I am a television reporter in New Jersey and am looking to do a story on self-mutilation. Do you know of any experts locally that I might interview on camera? I am also looking for local teens/kids that would be willing to talk with me (we could mask their identity if they wanted us to). I really appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks.
---

If you live in New Jersey and would like to participate, please send me an email: wulff@psyke.org

S@#T!!!
Posted by chez on Mon Jul 29 10:43:52 2002 (#5358)

hey every one....
I had to change my name because I found out that my FUCKIN DAD was reading this...and all the things i posted...dammit.

dieing...
Posted by chez on Mon Jul 29 10:50:01 2002 (#5360)

im dieing..i could feel it.
its coming again...slowly but surely...
Im gonna start...all over again.
oh god.....help me.
i dont know what to do.....
somethings gonna happen....i know it is.
Im so scared...but im so sad.....
Im praying everything will end....
my life or this pain...whichever.....
as long as it ends....
even if i have to end it....im praying it ends.

I'm sorry things seem so bad 4 you *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 02:03:05 2002 (#5370)

me too ~may trigger~
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 30 11:47:56 2002 (#5379)

I am also dieing. I've became the walking wounded and now I am the walking dead.

Time heals
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jul 29 13:19:41 2002 (#5361)

Hello Everyone,
Most of you wont remember me, but I have spent a good portion of the last 2 years posting here regularly. Recently I haven't been checking in that often, I guess because I've been so consumed with my own happiness that I selfishly forget the suffering of everybody else.
My point in writing today is to share what I consider my success story in fighting the same sort of battle that you are going through now.
We all differ in our backgrounds, the reasons behind our respective decline, and the degree of sensitivity to triggers. But we are all united by a common method of dealing with our problems, and we wouldn't be here if we didn't realise that it's not the most healthy coping approach.
I can remember times when I was absolutely convinced that NOTHING could ever possibly make me feel that life was worth the struggle. I have made feeble attempts at suicide, voluntarily searched for help from psychiatrists and psychologists and consumed prescribed concoctions of medication in order to end the inner-turmoil.
I would never have believed it if a crystal ball had shown me back then what I would feel today.
I am happy...I feel alive...I enjoy living. Nothing is perfect - much of the pain is still present, but I have learned to moderate my responses so that it doesn't preoccupy my life.
I was lucky...I had a 3.5 month opportunity to explore myself, who I am and what I want from life. This involved travelling half way across the world (from my home in New Zealand to USA). I was independent from my family, my friends and sorta had to fend for myself. Without having to conform to the mould of others expectations I was able to reinvent the image I project to the world, and found a happy medium that I actually liked. For the first time in my life, I was able to say I liked myself. I was ME, rather than some puppet. This process also involved forgiving myself for the role I played in screwing up my life. It used to seem easier to blame others for my misery, but it was partly my reactions that made things worse than they could have been. Cutting myself was not under my control, but feeling guilty about it only made me do it more. It is this guilt that perpetuates the cycle, a feeling that is under self-control.
Forgiving leads to acceptance, and somehow I managed to accept that certain things have happened in my life that were not my ideal. I could chose to either dwell on a few incidents, and let the memories fuck up the rest of my life or I could try and make the best I can of any opportunities that come my way. You either live or you die, if you chose to live it makes sense to make it less miserable as possible.
I have been surprised by how many opportunities there are out there for me. In 3 weeks I am leaving to Germany for 7 months, on a scholarship to study at a University there. I have dreamed about visiting Europe all my life, and suddenly it's coming true with hardly any effort at all.
Now I feel so grateful that I am alive today to feel this excitement and happiness.

I'm not implying this has been an easy process, and I mean no arrogance by this message... I just want for others to not lose hope so easily. I get teary when I reflect on the days when I would spend hours at this website, feeling utter hopelessness, believing that it would be my future. Philosophically I realise those melancholic days were a necessary process for me to now appreciate every bit of joy that comes my way. They have definately made me stronger, more empathetic and I strangely I am grateful for my SI/depressive experience. Certainly if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything. So can YOU... SI is almost like a fraternity and when I read your stories, I feel your burdens. I just wish that you could share in my belief that recovery is possible...
As long as there is life there is hope.

Luv Maggie.

Re: Time heals
Posted by Sam on Mon Jul 29 20:40:23 2002 (#5362)

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's nice to hear that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. However, I have to say that few of us are lucky enough to fly all over the world to "find" ourselves. Maybe someday after I can leave my house.

Best wishes at your new college.

Sam

Maggie I remember you.
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 02:20:30 2002 (#5371)

I remember yu from the old board. I was overcoming1 and a few other names toward the end of the old board. I'm glad you ave the opportunities coming your way. We all deserve to find happiness. I am E-mail buddies with Christina [last name redacted] from the old board. She has been studing at the University of Germany and will be graduating at the end of school this coming year. I can tell her about you and perhaps you two can befriend each other and have a support person who understand where you are coming from right there on campus. What do you think? Email me if you want to get introduced. :) Dawn

Re: Time heals
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 30 20:22:13 2002 (#5388)

Hi Maggie!! Do you remember me? I am an "oldie" here, and I remember your posts and how depressed some of them were. Your post was so inspiring...egh I don't know how to put my feelings into words. I'm so happy for you. Happy that YOU'RE happy, happy that you made it out...Congratulations. I hope that you continue to feel this way forever, and I wish you the very best of luck for your future. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope someday I can feel that way, too.

Put me Down
Posted by Death on Mon Jul 29 21:00:28 2002 (#5363)

I feel so bad because all my problems seem so small compared to everyone elses on here and just generally in my life. I have felt down for ages and i dunno if its depression because all my "friends" think iv never been depressed. im sorry maybe i shouldnt use the site ne more because i dont belong

Me

Re: Put me Down
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jul 30 01:33:08 2002 (#5369)

Please don't think you don't belong. I thought
that when I first came here because I don't cut,
but everyone has been so nice to me and I've come
to love everyone here. I'm around if you ever want
to talk. Just email me. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, RHonda

I think if we come here it is because we need to
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 02:29:01 2002 (#5372)

If we didn't need this place we wouldn't come here. Why would anyone who has their life together would search for and find this board if they didn't need something or other in their life. If you are ready to leave that is a good thing, butplease do not leave because you don't see your life as bad as someone elses. I've learned over the years that not one of us can compare our pain with someone else's. PAIN IS PAIN!!!! Any pain is deserving of compassion and careful attention
...Dawn

Re: Put me Down
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 30 11:42:57 2002 (#5377)

Hi
I feel the same sometimes. But I do know I am depressed, I just don't think my depression is justifyed, not compared to what others have been through. So I know how you feel but PLEASE keep using the board, everyone has a right to feel depressed and to have somewhere they can talk about it like here. So please don't feel you shouldn't be using it.
Ella x

Some one made me think today....
Posted by Amanda on Mon Jul 29 23:06:56 2002 (#5364)

OK, so i was in town today with all my friends and id had a great day and by about 6pm people had mostly gone home and there were about 8 of us left. im not sure how the conversation started but we all agreed that craig should be a counsellor, he so easy to talk to and listens really well. so he started talking to me, i was telling him all about cutting and being bullied and stuff like that. and he asked me if im beautiful, i said no. so he asked me why and i told him that after having it drumed into me for 6 yrs by the bullies that i had learnt to believe it. so he said to me "go home look at yourself in the mirror, put everything out of your head and think, "am i or arnt i beautiful?"", he said "no matter what any one has said to you, think for yourself and think about yourself, what do you see and think?". so i did, and i saw a different person to the one ive been looking at for ages.i saw a new person and shes not all that bad.
it just mad me think. and i thought id share it.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Ps i havnt cut for 8months!!!

Re: Some one made me think today....
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jul 30 01:30:57 2002 (#5368)

He sounds like a really nice guy! He's right, you
are beautiful. Your opinion is the only one that
counts. Congrats on not cutting for 8 months, that
takes a lot of courage. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Good For You!!!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 02:31:54 2002 (#5373)

This morning..
Posted by Crow on Tue Jul 30 00:23:13 2002 (#5365)

I cut my wrists, i havent cut my wrists before, but i have been cutting myself since i was 4. I went to hospital, they let me come home, i asked them for help, they said they cant help me. So now what? What's left? nothing. nothing.

Re: This morning..
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jul 30 01:28:33 2002 (#5367)

Why in the world would they say they can't help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, some of these so called
doctors and nurses just really piss me off. Sorry
to get mad, but I am. Try and find some help
somewhere else. I'm always here if you want to
talk. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: This morning..
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 30 06:07:07 2002 (#5376)

Well that was just one of the many hundreds of doctors that are out there. Trust me I know. There are doctors out there who WILL help you. Keep lookign and Don't give up.
~lone~

Re: This morning..
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 30 11:45:18 2002 (#5378)

Hi
I used to cut my wrists, but its just too addictive and I was cutting to deep. But I also wanted to say that there is help out there, I guess you just have to keep asking for it.
Ella x

It Is A Shame, but can have its good points too
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 20:25:28 2002 (#5389)

I have had lots of ER visits myself so I have had lots of reactions from doctors and other staff members in the ER. When someone reacted negatively to my cries for help I reported them. One doctor stitched me up without numbing me up first. Turns out he was director of the small hospital that was 17 miles fom where I lived at the time.

If we let the experience get our dander up and do nothing about it. We are the loser. But if we let it challenge us to more aggressively seek help then it is transformed into a blessing. I have had many blessings in that I didn't let myself accept the name Loony and a diagnosis for me even when I was spoken to be in a phone conversation the check in person for the state mental hospital had with some friend of his. He got away with it because that was the frst time I had actually tried to commit suicide. But if that same thing happened today I would file charges. So you see you can let that doctor's response spure you on to find the help you need and not let it stop you. Good luck.. Good wishes...I'll say a prayer for you...Dawn

Re: This morning..
Posted by Marie on Tue Jul 30 16:51:07 2002 (#5384)

I'm so sorry... it's infuriating when you can't get the help you so desperately deserve and need. I promise that when I become a doctor I will offer my services free of charge and without prejudice when SI'ers come into my office for bandaging, sutures, counseling, etc... It's one of the reasons I decided to go into medicine... to practice unbiased medicine... to see that my patients, at least, are treated fairly.. I've been the patient long enough... hopefully I've learned what it takes to be a fair doctor...

Re: This morning..
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 31 01:01:37 2002 (#5396)

Marie,
I'm so glad your goal is to become a doctor. I
know you'll be a good one. Take care and study
hard.
Love ya, RHonda

I haven't had a therapist in months
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 02:40:12 2002 (#5374)

This board has been my only theraputic encounter I've had for a very long time. Bu finally I will be seeing someone. I need it right away. I've been depressed for some time. I wish I could cut myself butmy scars are so thick it is difficult to cut through them. ahhhhh poor me... Actually that is a good thing! It just seems that if I could cut the depression would disapear. But that is a lie.

Re: I haven't had a therapist in months
Posted by Marie on Tue Jul 30 13:53:03 2002 (#5382)

I'm glad you'll be back in therapy... I've been out for over a year, and I miss it so much... unfortunately my therapist lives 100 miles away now and I can't go see him. Take care....

Re: I haven't had a therapist in months
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 31 00:59:10 2002 (#5395)

Be strong Dawn, my dearest friend. You're always in my prayers. I love ya lots and lots.
Rhonda

interested in Phoenix
Posted by Donna on Tue Jul 30 05:16:26 2002 (#5375)

My name is Donna and I am a reporter for the CBS TV station in Phoenix. I am interested in finding a support group in the valley for self injury victims. I am hoping they could put me in touch with someone (or a few someone's) willing to share their story on camera to educate people about this issue. I would considered hiding their identity if requested. Please contact me if you know a group or you live in the Phoenix area and would be willing to talk with me.
Thank you.

Re: interested in Phoenix
Posted by Marie on Tue Jul 30 13:50:44 2002 (#5381)

I think it's wonderful what you're trying to do... I'm out of your area unfortunately... I'm from Florida. I wish you luck, and PLEASE report back if you have any success... maybe the concern will be contagious.

I'm in Oregon, but SI awareness is a great idea. *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 20:10:36 2002 (#5386)

Re: interested in Phoenix
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 31 00:57:50 2002 (#5394)

Donna,
This is a wonderful idea. I don't cut, but I have
a daughter who went through this for 4 years. Since I live in Oklahoma, I couldn't help you any,
but please consider interviewing parents and friends who help loved ones deal with this also.
I come on here as a support and as an adult who
really understands and doesn't judge these people.
It would help so much if you could get the word
out that people who do cut are not "crazy". If I
can help you at all, please feel free to email me.
Thanks and take care,
Rhonda

Falling from grace
Posted by Marie on Tue Jul 30 13:56:32 2002 (#5383)

I cut again... 33 times in a week... I'm so disappointed because I was doing so well for a while there... I had gone 10 months without cutting... I feel like that Fuel song.. "Bad Day" The bitter disappointment makes me just want to cut again and again, but I know it won't make me better... '...worse than an angel falling from grace...'
-Me

Re: Falling from grace
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 30 20:05:44 2002 (#5385)

I cannot change how you feel. But hopefully I can enlighten you a little. My recent weight loss of 70+ pounds kick started the concept that I could loss "all" the excess weight I have bore for years and then when my body no longer lost its excess I wigged out and took a few diabetic pills I was supposed to stop taking and some others I wasn't supposed to take any longer also. I felt like my body failed me. So once again I find myself wrestling with a weight problem.

I wanted to cut. I still do. But apparently I don't bad enough to work at it or cut in spite of the pain. So you see we all feel like failures sometimes. Grant it I also know what it is like to stop cutting for months on end and feel you're cured only to find yourself weak and cutting. It is because we stopped that we feel that we've, "fallen from grace." But just as smokers can benefit from relapse we too can benefit from our filures.

First is the obvious awareness that we CAN STOP cutting and be successful with it. And secondly we can grow from the failure and let it help us regain control of our emotions and ideas of what power cutting has over us. Thirdly we see how much better we are from we we started cutting in the first place. So it is easier to stop again.

Doctors say that smokers are not failing when they find themselves in relapse because it increases their chances of succeeding because they are more determaned to quit.

"Once and for all" doesn't success make. Success comes from trying again and again, and again until who have succeeded. Hang in there and get back to not cutting as quickly as you can so you see yourself succeeding again. If you fall you will have a better handle on the again and again process of success......Dawn

The Cutting Cycle
Posted by Sam on Wed Jul 31 20:44:01 2002 (#5409)

It's a bitch, isn't it? You cut because you're depressed, but cutting makes you worse, so you cut again. I've been stuck in that rut so many times, but I've also come out of it just as many. All I can suggest is to try to get your feelings out another way. If you need to vent, e-mail me.

Best of luck,

Sam

thankyou so much
Posted by fuzzystar01 on Tue Jul 30 21:20:08 2002 (#5390)

Hi everyone,

My name is Sarah and I'm 19. I have been coming here for a few months just to read and I can honestly say that this site has helped me more than anything else. Everyone in my life thinks that i am crazy for cutting and they just can't understand. Coming here has made me realize that I'm not alone and I just wanted to thank you!

Re: thankyou so much
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 31 00:15:45 2002 (#5392)

your welcome........

I'm glad you came out of the shadows *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 31 03:14:34 2002 (#5401)

Re: thankyou so much
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 1 11:11:51 2002 (#5439)

I know, this site keeps me alive...

poem...
Posted by chez on Tue Jul 30 23:09:55 2002 (#5391)

I dont know what to do...
I dont want to hurt you or see you cry
but the pain inside I just cannot hide....
you see my arm and ask me "why?"
I look and say "Im alright"
Is this true? Or am I lieing again?
But when Im with you I feel just fine....
You hold me tightly...your eyes are watery....
"Im ok, Im ok" thats all I say..hoping the pain will go away.....
When your gone...I dont know why....
But it starts all over and I feel like Im going to die...
I love you so much, this is whats true
but I just cant help it....its what I need to do
It doesnt hurt...but inside it burns....
Just alot of new scars....nothing to proove
nothing...nothing....nothing .....
Im sorry baby...Im so sorry....
I dont want you to cry....
I promise....I'll try.....

Re: poem...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 31 00:31:47 2002 (#5393)

I like this poem...did you come up with it?
~lone~

Re: poem...!!!
Posted by Jamie on Wed Jul 31 01:21:29 2002 (#5397)

wow..chez, that really hit deep..that was an awesome poem to me...you just described my relationship with my boyfriend completely

WOW What A Gift!! Thank You for sharing it. *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 31 03:11:48 2002 (#5400)

really?
Posted by chez on Wed Jul 31 05:41:01 2002 (#5403)

wow, it described your relationship with your boyfriend?
that is so cool because I wrote it about my boyfriend and our relationship....

yah, I came up with it...THANKS!*NM* *NM*
Posted by chez on Wed Jul 31 05:42:01 2002 (#5404)

Re: yah, I came up with it...THANKS!*NM*
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 31 22:12:21 2002 (#5413)

It's pritty darn close to the relationship with the guy i'm getting to know REALLY well...i'm not shure if I should call him my boyfriend or not....*thinks*

idk if i can do this anymore
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Jul 31 01:48:13 2002 (#5398)

idk if i can do this anymore. i'm sorry but i just can't stand the way my life is going anymore. i'm going crazy and today i was really bored and i was in my room making invitations. while i was making the invitations i started thinking about my friend who killed himself and how it was my fault and how i'd never let anyone hurt me before he died. well that all changed after he died didn't it. i've been hurt more times than a football player getting tackled. i mean it. i'm just sick of being hurt and sick of being here and sick of being. i'm sorry i'm rambling again. no one wants to hear about my problems and my reasons and i'm sure you all don't want to either. i'll just go now. thanks for all your help. maybe i'll be back tomorrow. <3 ya all.
scaredinthedark

Stay Safe Please!!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 31 03:08:15 2002 (#5399)

I don't know if you will read this I hope you do and that things will get better for you. I learned years ago that no matter how many walls I built up inside my heart they never did protect me from being hurt. They only worked at not letting me love people. So I chose to feel my feelings and remember my memories and face whatever it was I had built the walls for in the first place. And I have to say when we got to the sexual abuse and the loss of my children's affection that is when I started cutting myself. But as I have learned to feel my feelings I have also learned to let things go that I can't control. I can't control what other people do, say, act. I can control what I do say and act. I have had to make peace with all those things that brought me hurt. It isn't fun and it isn't nice... but it has been good for me. It takes a lot of work to look at each pain and make peace with it. But I've discovered that the pain s decreasing. And as the hurt goes away I find more peace with the world.

Hang in there and do your work, (which only you know what that means to you.) but to me it is naming who and how the hurt came to be and accepting it and reliving it and letting it go, I hope this helps...love and hugs Dawn

Re: idk if i can do this anymore
Posted by Sam on Wed Jul 31 20:49:11 2002 (#5410)

PLEASE just take a minute, step back, and look at your life. You're placing all the blame on yourself. Cry, kick, scream, if it makes you feel better, but STAY SAFE. Try putting things into a new perspective. I'm sure your friend's suicide was not your fault. E-mail me if you need some support, but STAY SAFE!!

Hugs,

Sam

Re: idk if i can do this anymore
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 31 22:17:31 2002 (#5414)

I'm shure it wasn't your fault, what makes you think it is your fault???
~lone~

Re: idk if i can do this anymore
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Jul 31 22:38:18 2002 (#5417)

but it is my fault. if i had told him the one thing i should have then he would still be alive. no one can convince me that it's not my fault. i'm sorry. i hafta go. bye bye. <3 always
scaredinthedark

Re: idk if i can do this anymore
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 1 02:14:46 2002 (#5421)

Please be careful honey. I'm here if you need me.
LOve ya, Rhonda

Re: idk if i can do this anymore
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Aug 1 11:10:51 2002 (#5438)

Donna
I LOVE YOU
please stay safe, if I have to live you do too! Everyday everyminute everysecond I'm thinking about it, wanting it, wishing that I could just end it. But we've got to stay strong donna, email me yeah? Havn't spoken in a long while, please, keep going.
Love Ella x

The night....help...something?
Posted by ~C~ on Wed Jul 31 03:36:13 2002 (#5402)

haven't posted...just lurked. the night is so long and i can't take anything else right now? i don't know what i need? i feel like i'm at the end and i'm slipping but i have no place to fall? i promised to hang around...and i will...i just don't know how. guess i'll find something. guess i needed to vent? i don't know.

Been There
Posted by Sam on Wed Jul 31 20:55:12 2002 (#5411)

I know how you feel. When I'm feeling "on the brink" it's usually the thought of my younger sister that saves me. She'd be so messed up if I offed myself, and it would be my fault, no questions asked.

Do whatever you can to hang in there. Find a new hobby or just go for a walk outside. I know it's easier said than done, but you're the only one who can change the way you feel. If you're feeling like you don't have a purpose, make one.

I know you're not big on posting, but let me (and all of us) know how things turn out. If you'd rather, you can e-mail me.

Good luck,

Sam

Re: Been There
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 31 22:20:37 2002 (#5415)

Had plenty of those nights. You'll feel better in the morning. Hang in there.
~lone~

Re: The night....help...something?
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 1 02:16:12 2002 (#5422)

Grab hold of all of us and hang on. We'll be here
for you. Email if you ever want to talk. Take care
of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

It is amazing what a good night sleep will do *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 1 03:42:27 2002 (#5431)

i wish,,
Posted by chez on Wed Jul 31 05:44:39 2002 (#5405)

I wish I was different....
I wish I was perfect.....
i feel so ugly....i feel so ill....

Re: i wish,,
Posted by megz on Wed Jul 31 17:50:24 2002 (#5408)

Hiya chez, don't fink i know you.me names megz.
You sed you wish you were perfect but if you were then you would be the only perfect one in the world coz no one is perfect.As for being different, you could change that if you wanted to.This is YOUR life.If you wana change it then you go for it.I've red sum of your messages and from what i've herd you say, your not ugly on the inside therefore your not ugly on the outside.You seem like a beutiful person.And i hope your feeling more confident about yourself soon.
love megz

Megz..
Posted by chez on Thu Aug 1 01:38:43 2002 (#5418)

hi there, nice to meet you:)
your response...really made me feel like a person.
it made me feel like there is actually air in my lungs....you know made me feel alot better...
I dont know how long this feeling will last....
but I really wanted to thank you so much:)
hope we can talk again.....:)

chez

Re: i wish,,
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Aug 1 02:19:05 2002 (#5423)

Everyone's different,
NObody's perfect,
I think you're pretty,
and I hope you feel better tomorrow!!
That said, please take care of yourself. I care
about you.
Love ya, Rhonda

Depression sucks!!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 1 03:38:29 2002 (#5430)

I look in the mirror and see an ugly person.
I look in my heart and see a beautiful image
I look at my life and see many changes
One day I'm up
One day I'm down
Only one thing keeps me pressing on
That one thing is God's Eye View
...Dawn

Haven't got the energy to even cut!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 31 15:15:49 2002 (#5406)

I hsve got to a computer today but only because I know that it istoo dangerous for me to stay in my flat alone.

I locked myself in to my bedroom and barricaded the door, then I trashed the place...smashed my pictures...I went crazy and scared myself...I AM SCARED OF MYSELF!!

after stopping my meds i am feeling extremely lightheaded all the time and for the last few days i just keep going into rages, and then break down and cry for hours, then sleep.

I am scared that if i tell someone then they will put me ito hospital because I am alot worse than I have ever been and am scared to be alone.

thanx for listening guys...

speak to you again.

Nicke

Re: Haven't got the energy to even cut!
Posted by megz on Wed Jul 31 17:42:24 2002 (#5407)

So why don't you go back on your med?
If you don't like being on them then it might be an idea to talk to your docter about cutting down on them.
I hope you feel better soon.
love megz

Don't be afraid!
Posted by Sam on Wed Jul 31 21:00:18 2002 (#5412)

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you should TALK TO SOMEONE. There's no way to get away from yourself, so you have to cope. I'm sure you've been down before, but I know you've been feeling alright before, too. Think back to those better times and embrace them. Try to emulate the way you were then, and PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE. E-mail me if you want to.

Sam

What you need, What you want
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jul 31 22:28:34 2002 (#5416)

I know how you feel. I did the same thing once before. Actually more than once. You do need to talk to someone, or it'll just get worse. Truethfully, just tell someone, someone you know will help you. And try not to hurt yourself to bad...the longer you keep this up the more hurt your going to create. Take care
~lone~

Your meds helped with days like this
Posted by Dawn on Thu Aug 1 03:30:43 2002 (#5429)

Ive stopped taking my meds before (several times) and had experiences like what you shared and it has taught me not to go off my meds because I would really wig out like you described. Sam and megs are right. you need to see the one you perscribed your meds and tell them what is going on and why. I fully understand now that without my meds I'm whacked out. <3 always