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Threads 1076 to 1100

suicidally enraged (triggering)
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 22 20:46:26 2002 (#5173)

Okay so Ive been dealing with this shit for a while now. I mean a long time, to long for me. I do not see how people can do this year after year after year, for decades, a whole life time.

I dont feel anymore, Ive gone off my medicine by my own will, I dont think anymore, everything is controlled by some other being I cant explain.
Im staring at myself, breathing, but not living.
nothing makes me happy, Im not going to avoid suicide just because my family will be upset. Im not going to stuff my own "feelings" whatever they may be away just because Im hurting someone else in the process.
I've tried the "traditional" ways of suicide, but not the modern ways in my eyes. I dont even like calling it suicide because thats not what it is to me. Its my choice.
suicides a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but thats not always true.
not when you live like I do, things will get better, but not when you are me.
Jessica...screwed up since day 1!
day fucking one.

Im reallly lost, and I really don't feel like I can go on. Im not going to kill myself, Im not..I wont..why should I have that much control, how could I possibly grasp that much control and selfishness in one second of a breath of life.when I cant even handle my own mind in mywhole life time.
someone tell me the answers to the obvious questions I havent asked.
sorry ..
really am!

confused.
KAT

Re: suicidally enraged (triggering)
Posted by Erryn on Mon Jul 22 22:18:38 2002 (#5175)

i really wish i had the answers to your problems, but if i did then i wouldnt be here either, i hope you do feel better just know you are loved and are a great friend on here, i really hope you find happiness sometime in your life. take care xxxErryn

Re: suicidally enraged (triggering)
Posted by *Poison on Mon Jul 22 22:48:56 2002 (#5176)

you are not alone in what you are feeling! i have been dealing with my shit for almost 4 years now and i know how frusterating not seeing any reslults can be. but i have to be honest. comming off your meds can cause for a major crash. sometimes you don't realize how much worse you could be until your off of them. your not a total fuck up, because you have found a home here and have helped numerous people that is a GREAT thing! and you are a great person for doing that!I truely mean that!

Amanda

Re: suicidally enraged (triggering)
Posted by murie on Mon Jul 22 23:21:46 2002 (#5178)

Kat,

I know that in my active self-harming, I felt like you did. Everyday I just didn't want to wake up and face the next one. Now things are different for me & though I still suffer with depression there is hope for the future. Today if I have a shit day, I keep it in the day & know that it can get better. I'm grateful to be alive today. My self-harm increased my suicidal thoughts & behaviour, it didn't help it. I put the blade down & found that a natural creativity took it's place. Destructiveness (by rules of nature) can lead to creativeness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't still struggle, but I spent so long re-enacting being the victim, that I just don't want to be one anymore.

It does get better honest, I never thought I could be here & say this

love

Muriex

{{{{{{Kat}}}}} My dear friend
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 23 01:46:59 2002 (#5183)

Kat sweetie, you know that I am here. I care about you so much and want to help you through this awful time you are going through. I've been there. I literally cried for 3 years straight, every day and night. I didn't want to do it anymore. But look at me now. My life isn't perfect. I have days and even moments that are shitty. I've stopped taking my meds many times. I thought "My life is not so hard as it was now." And everytime I quit them I got to see what my life looks like without them and it was not just worse. It was flipping BBBBBAAAADDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!! And I had to start over finding a new medicine that worked for me.

I don't want to be the voice of doom here but this board has a way of bringing people to the brink of suicide. It is what we talk about that and cutting. And we romantize it. But there is nothing wonderful about cutting or suicidal thinking. It is bad breeding worse not better.
Sometimes I think about quit coming here but you are here and you tell me I help you. And I want to help you and others that come here don't get me wrong. I care so much about how you are doing. Please e-mail me and lets talk about the specifics that are bugging you. Once you get better you will be glad we did. :)Dawn

last night
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 23 17:03:59 2002 (#5193)

Thanks everyone, I was having a terrible day that day, and I am seeing now tht I need to watch what I say on here, because I know its a place for comfort and relief but not a place for encouragement on things like suicide, which I feel I kinda did..and Im regretting it now.
I had a really bad night last night, cut many times, bruised a few..cried a hell of a lot.
but Im okay today, I do need some new meds.
I cant survive on a normal basis without them, at least not right nowe.
thanks again all of you!
Dawn I e-mailed you, but I will again .
*so many hugs*
KAT

sorry everyone, triggering
Posted by rage on Tue Jul 23 03:42:30 2002 (#5186)

i'm sorry everyone. i'm not going to say who i am or anything i'm just going to use a different name. i'm very sorry to say that i couldn't get any help and that i couldn't find it in my heart to stay alive. i'm leaving this life. i'm very sorry. you have all helped me so much over the years i've been here and i was to thank you all for your help and hospitality. i hope you will all miss me. i won't say who i am but even so i hope you miss me. i will miss you all. well i have to go now. the deed must be done tonight. i won't be able to see all your posts but if you do post i'll thank you in advance and say i love you and to take care of yourselves. for every handful of people you all manage to save you must let go of the occasional one who was never able to be saved at all. well i love you all and i hope all you of you take care. i hope i don't see you too soon. bye. xxx~rage

Re: sorry everyone, triggering
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 23 16:22:03 2002 (#5189)

this saddens my heart.
I want to say I understand..I want to say I know how you feel.
I hope you can continue on with this life..Im sorry your in so much pain.
death doesnt give second chances.
I hope your heart canfind a second chance right now.
I dont know. what to say.
Im sad, Im sorry.
love always
Jessica

Re: sorry everyone, triggering
Posted by Erryn on Wed Jul 24 00:07:49 2002 (#5204)

i hope everything works out, im sorry you feel this way i wish i could have helped you, you are loved take care xxxErryn

Re: sorry everyone, triggering
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 24 02:35:55 2002 (#5208)

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I wish I could
do more to help you. Please reconsider what you're
thinking. It doesn't solve problems. If you need
to talk, I'm here for you. Please take care of
yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: sorry everyone, triggering
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 24 21:07:48 2002 (#5220)

i don't know what to say. i'm sorry we couldn't help but if you read this please know you are loved. i hope you reconsider, i can't bear to think of you actually doing anything. love always, no matter where you end up. el x

new
Posted by shamed on Tue Jul 23 03:47:51 2002 (#5187)

hello everyone. i'm new to this site. i just recently found it. i won't say my real name for fear of me myself and i. tee hee but anyways... like most of you i'm here because i self injure. i don't just cut so i don't say i cut because i don't. i use different forms of self injury. i also self injure for many different reasons. i read a couple of posts from others and i see that this place is nice for someone like me. :) anyways i just wanted to say hello and hi to all of you. i hope you are all helpful in my attempt to get better. i'm pretty bad so i need as much help as i can get. yes so i'm out. bye. ~*~shamed~*~

Re: new
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 23 16:23:48 2002 (#5190)

welcome, hope you like it here.
we can try and help with any problems, but as you willsoon see we sometimes can not help.
dont giveup on yourself.
love KAT

Re: new
Posted by Erryn on Wed Jul 24 00:05:58 2002 (#5203)

welcome i hope you feel welcome and loved here. we are here to help you take care xxErryn

Re: new
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 24 02:33:13 2002 (#5207)

Hi there,
Welcome to the board and I truly hope you find
the help you want. I don't SI in any way, but my
daughter did for several years. I just try to
lend an ear and give advice. I'm always here if
you want to talk. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: new
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Jul 24 11:31:37 2002 (#5215)

Hi
Welcome to the board, I'm usually a bit more helpful then I am right now, sorry but my depression is crushing me and I can't seem to get my head above water long enough to help anyone. Sorry. But I'll listen if you ever need to talk, just email me anytime. I'm a cutter, I'm fourteen, welcome.
Ella x

Re: new
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 24 21:11:11 2002 (#5221)

hey sweetie. i also si in more ways than cutting. if you ever need to talk anything through or just rant then i'm here or you can email me. i might not be able to help but i'm very good at listening and i can try :-)
love always, el x

This board
Posted by Anonymous on Tue Jul 23 16:26:57 2002 (#5191)

I think this board needs to be monitored more. I know we are going to say what we want to say but things like what has been going on recently may be to much for a person in a bad state of mind to handle. Maybe cause an epidemic,do you see what I mean??
Sorry,just a thought.

Re: This board
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jul 23 16:59:55 2002 (#5192)

The reason I love this board is because we can be oursleves and say the things we can't to anyone else. We get real help from people with real understanding. We all have moments of weakness where we feel affected by other peoples words, but I know I've never been affected in a bad way here. In fact, it's helped me stop moaning about my life and see people are worse off than me. I love helping people and I notice a lot of other people here do too.

When I felt coming here was simply getting me down, I left. I didn't stick around to let it. Now I'm back because I need to be. I need to be able to post those sorts of messages because I can not express anything to anyone else. If I am hurting anyone with what i say, let me know, becaue it would kill me to know I'm being more damaging than helpful.

As for everyone else, I read your posts, I sympathise and I sometimes try and offer help. This board, to me, is perfect the way it is. If it does get moderated, I don't think staying would be an optinion for some people. We're here to talk freely, not for group therapy. But this is simply my opinion. I have enough of being moderated at home and I'd hate to lose this place too.

I do understand your point though, maybe somethings can have trigger effects. Most people try to trigger warn, but moderation would be the only way to make sure this was a helpful environment only.

But how helpful can it be if you have to keep certain things back so not to upset peoeple?

Kayleigh

Re: This board
Posted by Erryn on Wed Jul 24 00:04:50 2002 (#5202)

this board allows us to vent and ramble on, some of us dont have anyone else to say how we feel. if you dont like it go away. we all care about and listen to each other
Erryn

I've came along way from broken to mending
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 24 02:39:26 2002 (#5210)

I told Kat yesterday I was here to help her, but not just her. I want to help people like myself who are at the end of their rope and need someone to help them hold on a little longer than they can on their own.

My stories are often triggering and that is the reason why they are important. I am a believer that we do not get better holding onto secrets. I've also found that other people are still trying to white knuckle life.(which is... holding onto life with a grip that causes your knuckles to turn white, or doing it on their own) If I share my secrets it opens the door of communication so that others let go of their secrets which has turned their inner selves white with lack of emotional energy to keep the secrets hidden from view.

I have heard it said that God cannot fill our lives with good things if we don't let go of the bad and I believe that is true and that emotional hurts keep us from getting better. And I still need to get better and let go of the desire to kill myself is a good motivator for doing so.

I too have felt guilty for causing others to address their demons but the consencus is that even though the things I shared are straight forward it helps more people than it hurts and that those who are hurt or triggered are often thankful for the wake-up call.

Botom line is that my posts and responses are helpful to the majority therefore what I say is ok. Each person on here are warned up front that what is shared on this board is triggering to some folks. So just as others have to put a guard on what they read I think it is the responsibility of the peron reading to censure what they read not the person sharing. That is my spin on things... Dawn

Re: I've came along way from broken to mending
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 24 21:17:36 2002 (#5222)

i have to agree with the others. i come to this board because i feel that i can say what i feel and b cared about. i also like helping others and am ready to listen to them, no matter how their posts make me feel. i read all the posts on here but i don't reply to them all, simply because i find some of them too painful. but i would not stop those people from posting what they feel just because it makes me feel bad. this board has helped me in so many ways and if it can do the same for others then i would rather feel bad and know that others feel a little better for letting it out than know that this was yet another place where peoples thoughts are sensored. there are too many places like that already.
i respect what you said and i respect your reasons but i simply disagree. love always, el x

info on rage ~*~triggering~*~
Posted by shamed on Tue Jul 23 19:51:47 2002 (#5194)

hi i know i'm new but i know who rage was. i just thought all of you would like to know that her attempt wasn't successful. if she was not found by her cousin bleeding on her bedroom floor then she would be gone. her cousin had to literally knock down the door to see if she was there. he called and ambulance and help washclothes to her cuts. he saved her life. i know both of them because i go to school with them and i am very close to her. i just thought all of you would like to know that she will be fine. she's going to a hospital for a while and she hates her cousin for saving her but she's becoming more ok with it. i visited her in the hospital for all the time allotted today. she says she's sorry for the post but she needed to tell someone. she hopes you can forgive her. and she sends the only love she has in her to you all. well that's about it. take care everyone. bye.
~*~shamed~*~

Re: info on rage ~*~triggering~*~
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jul 23 23:13:13 2002 (#5198)

I am extremely glad she is okay! i hope she gets the help she needs at the hospital, i don't know what to say except that i'm extremely glad her cousin walked in.

Amanda

Re: info on rage ~*~triggering~*~
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 23 23:23:46 2002 (#5199)

I'm truelly glad she had someone there who cared. She was lucky. There is no need for sorry's here.
~Lone~

Re: info on rage ~*~triggering~*~
Posted by Erryn on Wed Jul 24 00:02:58 2002 (#5200)

i hope she is feeling better and that god her cousin found her, tell her to hang in there. xxxErryn

Re: info on rage ~*~triggering~*~
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 24 02:38:16 2002 (#5209)

Thank you for the information on Rage. I'm glad she's okay and I know that she will be mad at her cousin for awhile. Hopefully, if she gets some
really good help, she will come to realize that
it was a good thing that he found her in time.
Please let her know that I'm praying for her and
will continue to do so in the future. And let us
know how she is doing if you hear anything. Take
care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

Re: info on rage ~*~triggering~*~
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 24 21:19:48 2002 (#5223)

there is no need for any apologies, i'm just so glad she is ok. i send all my love back to her and her cousin, she is so lucky to have people who care. el x

Bad day *triggering*
Posted by *Poison on Wed Jul 24 00:03:32 2002 (#5201)

well wanna hear about my day? remember this may be extremely triggering to some of you

well my dad dropped me off at my mom's house and guess who is the only one there? Kenny, the one who everyone thinks may have sexually abused me as a child. so my dad tells me if anything happens to call 911. so i go inside and he is talking about how beautiful i am and stuff. so i try to get away from him and i go in my room. he comes in and i'm feeding my rat and he sits behind me with me in between his legsand at this moment i'm like OH SHIT . he starts carressing me and kissing my neck and back and the top of my head, i just froze and didn't say anything. i could smell the alcohol on his breath, and i knew he was capable of anything.he then asked me if he was annoying me, and i was like no your scaring me. he backed off and was liek Oh sorry, so i continue to sit there as rigid as anything, and he comes back and sits the same way only a little farther back so he had to lean me on him. i just sit there. thinking about what might happen, and what an idiot i am for letting him do this to me. he then tells me that he is getting a hard on so i immediately sit up. then he was like "there all set" and lays me back down on him, we sit there for awhile him still kissing my neck and shoulders he tries to kiss me on the lips by holding my chin and turning it twards him but i am so rigid i don't move. he tries to kis me on the lips once more. but instead he gets me cheek. i then sit up and he starts to lay down and brings me along with him. again i am still rigid and scared out of my mind. he adjusts my legs to his liking and puts one of his legs over my belly. and starts to squeeze me close (assuming for extra arousing) after a while of this he sits up as do i and then i was like "i have to goto the bathroom" it was the best excuse i could come up with. so i go up and he was sitting in front of my door not letting me out and then i was like "i gotta pee" he was like "oh i'm sorry i forgot where i was for a moment" i practically run into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. i let out a huge gasp of hair it seemed like i was holding my breath forever. i wanted to cry but i couldn't. i don't know what to do. my parents are like "let's just play it cool" i can picture him doing something to me but i don't have the memory. my mom is taking em to the GYN so they can tell if i'm still "in tact" down there. that way we know if anything DID happen. kenny has been kicked out of my house for life. the only scary part is that he walked up here today and he could do it again. i don't know what to do. it's no big deal really, i know that. and i should have told him to stop. i don't know it's all my fault.

Amanda

Re: Bad day *triggering*
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 24 01:01:02 2002 (#5205)

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL.
Im just wondering, how old is he? not that it matters though, because if someones making you feel uncomfortable, which it appears he was doing exactly that and then some its not fucking right. Im sorry you went through that, I know it must have been terrifying, especially since what you feel may have happened as you were a kid. I have that same problem but with someone living in my house, everyday I feel ashamed of myself when I am around this person. I know how it feels.
It was not your fault..the instinct we get is to not move stay still..dont address him, or what could happen? even though in the back of our mind we know we should get up, go somewhere else, move, tell him to stop..its like your mouth and arms and legs stop working, but your minds screaming.
Im soooo sorry sweetie, It is a big deal..I thinkso at least. I think tell your parents what he did definently, to you today. Get this guy somewhere where he can be helped, or in jail.
take care
*hugs*
KAT

Re: Bad day *triggering*
Posted by *Poison on Wed Jul 24 01:02:34 2002 (#5206)

he's in his 30's
thank you for your response

it is a HUGE DEAL, and very triggering, and I was,
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 24 02:57:05 2002 (#5212)

Thank you for your openess. When I was your age I could not defend myself either. It is a Huge deal. That is not sexual harrassment it is molesting of a minor punishable by law. A major crime. I hope you tell your parents or call the police yourself. I wish I had...... Its ok... I'm safe now... Yeah I'm triggered with my own memories, but I'll be ok....Dawn

Re: Bad day *triggering*
Posted by Erryn on Wed Jul 24 03:05:20 2002 (#5213)

im sorry that this has happened to you. i wish i could be there to give you a hug. if you need anything just ask okay take care xxxErryn

fading and going crazy
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Jul 24 11:26:43 2002 (#5214)

Hi
Time moves fast then slow. I sleep during the day. I stay up all night. I eat little, an apple or sandwich a day. I slice the apple into lots of little chunks and the apple is transformed into a meal. Mum laughs at me, me and my diets. But I don't care because I AM IN CONTROL. Last night I carved the word 'help' into my leg. What scared me most was that I didn't feel a thing. Flip TV channels all day but can't concentrate long enough to watch a thing.
Just finished reading a book called 'A Bright Red Scream', about si, have any of you read it? It's very good, very triggering. Brought a book yesterday called 'Stop Pretending, when my big sister went crazy'. Reading is the only thing, which manages to hold my concentration.
I wonder what my brother would say if he knew that his big sister was crazy.
'Scars are stories written all over the body.'
I slowly kill myself and its not so bad. I just fade into nothingness where the pain can't reach me.
Ella x

Re: fading and going crazy
Posted by *Poison on Wed Jul 24 16:45:45 2002 (#5216)

i have read the book "a bright red scream" it thought it was very good and also very triggering. but informational. i hope i'm not jumping to conclusions but it sounds like you may have an eating disorder, and those can be very dangerous if you don't watch yourself. i'm just concerned that's all. keep safe

Amanda

Re: fading and going crazy
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 24 16:50:55 2002 (#5217)

Ella,I know jus what its like to be in that haze of nithingness that consumes you everyday. I honestly dont know how it gets better, I know youve heardme say this before your probably like shut up kat(lol) but the only way that I got out of that was being sent to the hospital.
I know that might not be an option for you right now. but Its good you can still get up energy to read and see things for what they are, even if they look so damn dim! all the time.
please stay in there..I know things will get better fot you, your a really smart and in depth kinda person so Ive seen and its worth it to have more people like you on this Earth. I hope things start looking up really soon. plesse e-mail me if you ever want to!!
love
KAT

Re: fading and going crazy
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 24 21:25:14 2002 (#5224)

hey angel.
i know how you feel so badly it hurts. it hurt me to read that. i'm so sorry you have to go through this. i can't offer you any advice because if i had any words of wisdom or how to get out of this nightmare then i'd use them myself.
i love you sweetie.
email me yeah? did i reply to your last email? shit, i can't remember. i'm losing it.
love you,
el x

Sounds like severe depression and eating disorder
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 24 21:42:58 2002 (#5226)

I agree it does sound like you have an eating diorder and very severe depreesion if you don't mind an older person's opinion. I can recognize things I've done battle with for years.

I too went the can't get enough reading material myself. It helped me to have someone else put how I was feeling and questions on my mind in writing and tell how they managed their journey through the dark tunnel of depression, flashbacks from abuse, feeling suicidal ideation, and just plain hate for being Me and needing control of everythings in my environment. Many of these things I still battle.

Lack of appetite is a key symptom of depression however when you add the word control it slides over to eating disorder.

This is my opinion and should not be taken as fact ok. Just so you understand I am not attempting to diagnose you based on my own experience. I've lost 70 pounds because there is something interferring with my digestion of food. Now I don't know what I can eat and how to stay in control when I do. Now I am afraid to eat even fruit which is wrong because our bodies need food to not only process our food but to build up our bodies so that we stay keep whatever good health we have left. I tell you this not to be lecturing but to demostrate that even after all these years of recovery I have under my belt I can still fall prey to my emotions and the need to control them.

I hope you reach out for help from a counselor or psychiatrist so that your are feeling better. Depression drags not only us who battle it day after day, but also it drags down the people we love or our families which ever comes first. lol. NEWay take care... hugs Dawn

hey...question
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 24 19:26:17 2002 (#5218)

Ok, this is a STRETCH, I don't know if anyone can help me here, but I figured it's worth a shot. The other day I was at this picnic, and there was music...and this one song comes on, and it's totally about cutting. So I'm like straining to hear the lyrics and at the same time trying to pay attention and listen and take part in the conversation around me so as to not look all crazy and weird. Anyway, all I know is that the refrain goes something like, "cutting myself free." Does ANYONE happen to know what song that is? I know, it's not a lot to go on, lol. I'd like to see the rest of the lyrics though, so if anyone can help - I'm awful curious over here!!! Thanks.

Re: hey...question
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 24 19:32:05 2002 (#5219)

what kind of music was it?
id like to know too.hehe
kat

Re: hey...question
Posted by diana on Thu Jul 25 08:48:15 2002 (#5230)

was it like a rock song? like not totally rock, but like sorta kinda rock? cuz i think i kno what song ur talking about but i don't remember the song. maybe u should try going to a lyrics page n like put in a song about cutting or something and see what it comes up with.. sorry im not much help

Re: hey...question
Posted by *Poison on Thu Jul 25 18:04:01 2002 (#5238)

i looked for it all night last night but couldn't find anything, i'm gonna keep looking though

Amanda

KAT, Diana, *Poison
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 26 17:15:00 2002 (#5287)

Yeah, Diana, it was sort of rock...not like hard but sort of...I get what you meant. And Amanda, thank you so much for looking for it. I'm going to see if I can find anything. If anyone does, please let me know! Thankyouthankyou again. :-)

Re: KAT, Diana, *Poison
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 26 17:28:34 2002 (#5288)

this probably isnt it, but I know in Nirvanas song heart shaped box, one of the lines says..
"cut myself on angels hair..."
ah trying to think!
:)
KAT

Re: KAT, Diana, *Poison
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 26 20:41:53 2002 (#5293)

No..that wasn't it...but thanks for trying...isn't this driving you mad?? lol. I really want to figure out what song it was (which would be a lot easier if I had actually heard this song before the picnic...bah). I'm still looking ~ does anyone have any clue maybe what person/group (although it really sounded to me like one person, but hey what do I know?) would sing a song that was sort of rock-type music and totally about cutting? Maybe if I can narrow it down to a few artists it would help me be able to search lyrics better...I don't know.

She
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 24 21:29:33 2002 (#5225)

hey baba.
i miss you so much girl. i can't remember my password to get into my hotmail thingy so i can't mail you. i suppose i should set up a new one. i've got it written down somewhere but i dunno where. shit i'm losing it.
i really need a hud right now and maybe you do too so i'm sending you one now. (((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))) ))))))))
I love you princess.
el x

Re: She
Posted by she on Thu Jul 25 12:14:27 2002 (#5231)

Hiya Ell
God ive missed you honnie i feel pritty crap 2 at the moment :( Im not around so much at the moment things are all well wrong herer and ive strated to try and sort them out .
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{a huuuggee huggle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{pola queen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Luve you forever
She

Re: She
Posted by she on Thu Jul 25 12:17:17 2002 (#5232)

ok
MOre {{{{{{{hugzzzzzz}}}}}}}}}}}
Luve you so much Eleanor :):):)
Thankyou for everything you have done for me
Keep Safe
Love you forever
she

Re: She
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Aug 12 19:47:05 2002 (#5690)

i'm a bit late but never mind :-)
love you more!!!!!!!!

Re: She
Posted by she on Tue Aug 13 15:45:11 2002 (#5715)

hee hee
Ohh i missseeeedddd youuuuuu.
{{{{{huggies}}}}}}}}
hee hee this is fun everyone is all back whoooo.
Missteled you
Nahh i love oyu more
She

Re: She
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Aug 13 21:17:11 2002 (#5722)

nope you're wrong. I missed you tonnes more! hehe!

e-cards
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 24 21:59:57 2002 (#5227)

I like sending e-cards to encourage people and let them know I think about them and wish them well. If yu live i te USA and would like one every now and then, and allowed to receive e-cards please e-mail me an e-mail address and I will include you in my list. Many of the ones I sent today failed and I was disappointed that they didn't have the opportunity to brighten your day, eleanor, melz, lone wolf, and scaredinthedark. I know some parents have blocks on their computers so maybe that was the reason. So let me know ok... love and hugs.Dawn

Re: e-cards
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jul 25 02:51:12 2002 (#5229)

Hey, I like to do that also. If anyone wants some
e-cards from me too, just send me an email address
and I'll pop some over to you every now and then.
Ya'll take care of yourselves.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: e-cards
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 25 17:19:50 2002 (#5235)

Hi
I think you sent me one but it wouldnt let me open the link, but its nice to know you tried.
Love Ella x

Re: e-cards
Posted by melz on Thu Jul 25 20:39:25 2002 (#5240)

I got one, it worked. :)

(sadly tho, my 'recovery' didnt work out, i cut 2 days ago, and again yesterday, oh well, i'll try another time)

Re: e-cards
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 25 22:29:56 2002 (#5247)

(i got the frog one. the e-mail i have above should work.

ON YOUR SIDE
Posted by Jamie on Wed Jul 24 22:41:02 2002 (#5228)

I’m outside your house, 2 am it’s dark, so many mistakes, come back home from bars, I am on your side, I just want to tell you off. So many lies are taking hold, it’s not your fault, there’s many scars, I am on your side, it’s taken me a long time, I am on your side, I’m on your side and I listen, yeah, I listen. Can you listen? Now I’m listening. I am on your side, it’s taken me a long time, I am on your side, I’m on your side. And I listen, yeah I listen, can you listen? Now I’m listening. I’m heading out tonight……and I listen.
-pete yorn

Re: ON YOUR SIDE
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 21:27:23 2002 (#5243)

I've read this post 3 times now and I see others have read it as well, but they didn't make any comments. Truthfully I do not know what to say except that it reminded me of being stalked and broght out feelings of fear, anger, fear... confusion and lots of it. If that was what you were going for you totally succeded. Otherwise I'd be interested in knowing what message you were trying to get acrossed. ???? Dawn

Re: ON YOUR SIDE
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 25 22:32:58 2002 (#5248)

I like it.

Re: ON YOUR SIDE
Posted by Jamie on Fri Jul 26 00:00:09 2002 (#5269)

wow dawn i'm so sorry you interpreted it like that...i never meant to make anyone feel like that..i was just listening to this song, and was thinking about helping people, listening...being there for people and understanding them...being on their side, seeing theire view and listening..just trying to help people, i'm really sorry if this hurt you, i shouldv'e never posted that

You did not upset me!!!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 26 01:49:56 2002 (#5279)

lost it, and i was doing so well
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 25 16:39:16 2002 (#5233)

Didnt eat all morning. Then I binged all afternoon trying to fill the emptiness of both body and spirit, and ended up making myself sick.
Doing well today. Will not binge.
In reply to last post, I dont think its an eating disorder, but no one believes me, I arged with my therapist about it for an hour. Maybe I'm wrong, I dont know, I wont lose to much weight, just enough to make me pretty, just enough to show who is in control.

Re: lost it, and i was doing so well
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 17:55:09 2002 (#5236)

Ellla....sweetheart!!!! You probably tired of hearming bitch, lol. I dont know why I THINK that Im just paranoid, but Im gonna tell you..that sounds like the classic eating disorder, in fact I KNOW it is. thats what Im dealing with right now..exactly. Last night I told myself I was gonna eat dinner, then I did..then I binged last night and now Im worrying and wanting to purge . It gets to be much more then just weight, its torture on your mind. I said the same thing about 7 months ago..I was over weight and I told myself just 15lbs lighter and Ill stop there and be happy..didnt happen, I wenrt beyond that and Im worse then ever.
BE CAREFUL. it will suck you in no matter how strongly you think you can handle it, and eating disorders are definently killers as much as any cut or pill.
Im just trying to help
thinkin about you

Hugs*
KAT

There is the word CONTROL again!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 21:19:32 2002 (#5242)

It makes me wonder what else is going on in your home to your body that takes control away from you. From what I've read of your posts and responses to other posts getting control of what happens to you is important. So before you read any further I want to tell you that you might get angry with what I say. And getting mad at me is not going t make you any less acceptable to me. It will only prove my point.

You can stop eating altogether and still not be pretty in your eyes if your vision is blured by other people's impression of how you look or if you are acceptable to others you are fighting a losing battle because you might forced one groups idea on your body only to displease another group, thus making you fight a losing battle. I know because for years I tried everything I knew to gain the acceptance and approval of one individual whose impression of women in general was that they were players out to get their hands on his money, home, and children. I finally won the fight when I started seeing that the external me only needed to be accepted by two things, God and Myself. And God loved me fat or skinny and so should I because his love is perfect where mine was being swayed by the people in my life. So if my acceptability was going to be based on someone elses opinion of me then I needed to let Him tell me what he liked about me and once I saw that his love for me is UNCONDITIONAL I worked on accepting myself the same way.

Re: lost it, and i was doing so well
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 25 23:03:09 2002 (#5257)

i hope you are feeling better also, hang in there take care xxxErryn

Re: lost it, and i was doing so well
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 26 01:14:08 2002 (#5274)

It sounds like an eating disorder to me also, but
I won't press the issue. Just please be careful.
Email if you ever want to talk.
Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: lost it, and i was doing so well
Posted by she on Fri Jul 26 11:42:58 2002 (#5285)

xx

Re: lost it, and i was doing so well
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 26 17:29:19 2002 (#5289)

Ok, I don't want to start an argument or anything, I'm just trying to maybe help - ok? It does sound to me like you have an eating disorder, and the only reason I say that is because what you are doing is EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING. I told myself I was "just going to lose a little weight," that this could be something that "I COULD CONTROL." But it's spun out of control, and it's now another addiction, just like cutting. I CAN'T STOP. I've lost over 30 lbs and gone down too many sizes to count and I'm still losing and I still feel disgusted with myself. I feel sick after I do eat, even if it's something stupid, and a lot of times I end up purging after eating. I've just begun to start eating again, but I limit myself to under 15 grams of fat a day. It's like food is the enemy...all I think about is nutritional information and how to keep my food intake as low as possible. And I know that this isn't even a SEVERE eating disorder, not compared to some people. Please, stop while you still can. You don't want to be dealing with this on top of SI...it just adds more stress and pain and guilt to your life. Trust us, ok? We're all just trying to help.

Photo's???
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 25 17:17:21 2002 (#5234)

Sorry, but is there anyone here who can please explain the psycology and motivation for posting photo's of your scarred flesh to a website for the whole internet to see??? No offence to anyone who has done this but can you explain why? Its triggering for those who see it and degrading for you. Showing off, does this not simply worsen the myth of self harm as attention seaking? Theres being open about it and then theres taking photo's of yourself! Sorry but I really dont get it! Even psyke has a picture zone...
Ella x

Re: Photo's???
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 17:58:54 2002 (#5237)

yes but this site requires you to e-mail them get a password and all that, so its more likely if your triggered or anything you are well warned and wont do it.
Im not sure, I think people dont want others to know yet they still put them out there. Maybe its like saying..look at how hurt I am, this is what the world made me do. Im not sure, ive never done it before. Although I have looked at the pictures on both psyke and other places. I dont know why I do that either. maybe some people do it for attention or because they think its cool..some people even think its a form of art, and I dont see it like that in the least bit.
Sorry it bothers you though.
take care
KAT

Re: Photo's???
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 20:31:46 2002 (#5239)

I agree the photos disturb me. I find they have a deterring factor to me. I can see the attention aspect of putting the photo out there. It sure makes me want to stop cutting. It also tells me the person hates hm/herself. And that makes me sad...{:-(...Dawn

Re: Photo's???
Posted by murie on Thu Jul 25 22:08:16 2002 (#5246)

I've never posted photo's of my SI & I've never particularly had any interest in veiwing any either. But in honesty I have felt "proud" of my scars, (although I wouldn't say I thought it a cool thing to do) My self-worth was so low that my "sickness" wanted me to be proud of my scars, because SI was the only thing I could "do" or manage in my life. It gave me a false sense of self-worth and "uniqueness" and "identification". Today it can be hard to live without it, to own up to the things that I struggle with emotionally & physically on a daily basis, but I guess it's a hell of alot easier than living with it. However SI was such a big part of my identity that I felt like nothing without it & it has been really hard letting it go.

I have been telling people "I'm a Cutter" 4 Years
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 23:08:57 2002 (#5260)

I guess you can say that I've exemplified pride when I told people "I'm A Cutter" when they asked about my scars which I am comfortable with and do not try to hide them. Or when I interview pastors and tell them "I'm a cutter" up front so they know going in that I'm special, not your run of the mill Christian. I guess what it is is not so much pride as it is lacking of shame. I feel more shame at being a victim of rapes and molestations than I do of my being a cutter. Cutting is what I do, where as "A Cutter" is what I Am. Like being female, or a diabetic, or a host of other labels. Im not even ashamed of saying I have mental illness. Of saying I am totaly disabled because of depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and a survivor of sexual assaults.

But displaying photos of fresh wounds still seems disgusting to me. That is just my opinion. I guess it seems like they are soliciting pity.

Re: I have been telling people "I'm a Cutter" 4 Ye
Posted by murie on Thu Jul 25 23:50:23 2002 (#5267)

the biggest "tool" for me in letting go of SI was to let go or dismiss the identity of "I'm a self-harmer". Sometimes I define myself as "recovering from SI & eating disorders". It's important to me that I learn to define myself in other ways eg. an artist or a person who likes...... I don't have shame about my SI & I guess that for me, being able to accept my external scars makes me more able to accept the internal ones. (I'm not yet able to accept all my scars there are some I really like & some I hate). I don't like the term "survivor" because I'm more than that a "thriver" perhaps. I don't like defining myself by my past or by things that happened to me. thanks for your discussions dawn, I find them interesting & useful.

Who/What makes us SI?
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 20:57:59 2002 (#5241)

Kat.. I'm not picking on you, but in your response to the photos you said the "world makes do?" And I just have to tell you that the world does not make you cut or anything else. I self harm basically because "I" feel like it, "I" think about it, "I" experimented and found injuring myself helped me cope with "My" out there emotions. And if you look at yourself you will see the same for you. No one puts a weapon in your hand and forces you to injure. "YOU" do it yourself.

I think when we discover that and not blame it on someone, something, or the world we begin to choose a different way of coping with our emotions and thoughts.

I have chosen to cut for the last 13 years because ranting and raving did not make my problems go away. I started experimented with lots of things, boiling water, glass I fond on the street, glass from picture frames, knives, razors, box cutters, beating brick walls and not of those "Did it" for me. And the it was "Distracton/Interruption" of my thinking and feelings.

I choose to injure when I do not have control over what happens to my body or mind. If I do not feel or feel too much. When I get angry, sad, disgusted, enraged, bored, sad, confused, afraid, feel someone should be punished and I'm the only one around, when I'm remembering sexual assaults, when my thinking and feelings tell me to. I cut using scissors when I choose to. I cut using blades when I don't feel the need for stitches. But most of the time when I cut I do not feel it complete unless I need to go to the hospital and get stitches. I've learned that about myself by analyizing my behavior.

Think about it. Bottom line who or what makes you injure yourself? When do you feel "finished" or pacified? What it is that will MAKE YOU STOP?

Re: Who/What makes us SI?
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 21:48:18 2002 (#5244)

That makes sence, when I wrote that in that post I guess I wasnt really thinking to hard about it, just trying to explain it to Ella and maybe myself as well.
Your right, no one has made me injure but myself. although from being so young the only thing that was done was abuse. If you were bad you got hurt, thats what I learned. thats what my parents taught me, and thats what Ive stuck with all this time. Just now I abuse myself because I cant handle anything or anyone else.

and I have learned to stop for myself. Id like to type more but Ive got to go.
-KAT

Re: Who/What makes us SI?
Posted by murie on Thu Jul 25 21:59:07 2002 (#5245)

I used to argue that "the world" or "my abusers" made me SI, (and at the same time argue that I was "reclaiming my body"). The problem with blaming others (such as abusers) is that it turns me into a victim & gives them even more power over me. I spent much of my active self-harming acting the victim, until eventually I became one AND THAT'S WHAT MADE ME STOP. I Also used to "fix" alot on my past, reading books on sexual abuse, mixing with other ppl who obcessed about their abuse, working for a rape crisis, etc. This emotional "cutting myself up" was just as damageing as physically doing it. I stopped obcessing on abuse over 2yrs ago (when I hit one of my many rock bottoms) I kind of "let that stuff go" now & enjoy more freedom in my life. I must admit though when I have relapsed i haven't felt like I'm in control, I've felt powerless & "compelled" to do it, a disease takes over. I have to work a program on a daily basis to watch fro signs of self-obcession that may lead me back into self-harm.

Thanks for the comments!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 22:48:12 2002 (#5250)

I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 22:44:01 2002 (#5249)

Ok so I'm not a kid anymore. Yet here I am one minute saying I'm ok being me and the next binging and purging out of control eating. I am soooo losing control of eating.

Here my body resently lost 70 pounds not keeping things down. And my bowels were all stopped up because of my pain pills and my doctor had to give me a perscription laxative. Now I'm bingeing on popscilles and I'm drinking the laxative by the mouthfully to lose the 6 pounds I gained back this week. I knew this was going to happen. I'm shaking so much

Now I want to cut to punish me for bingeing and gaining weight, but my scissors won't cut through my scars on my arms. I could use my stomach but it is too hard to bandage.
I want to lose more weight not gain it back. Shit..... I need to get control back, but I want more laxative more popcicles more FLAVOR LOTS OF FLAVOR..EVERYTHING SEEMS DULL flavorless, I need flavor. My head has been throbing for day. I need more pain relief. Crap I'm out of control. I haven't been likethis for years. I can feel my blood pulsating in my temples I only have one popcicle left. I need to go to Texaco and put some laxatives and popscicles on my credit card....more moer more I need for....Oh God in heaven help me NOW!!!!!!!!

Re: I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 25 22:52:51 2002 (#5251)

I forgot to mention that I've been taking my diabetes medication that play havoc on my kidneys and my doctor told me to DISCONTINUE when my kidney function took a plunge but for the last 4 days I've been taking it so I could eat candy and popsciles....eat period.

I can't seem to stop any of it.

Re: I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 25 23:01:23 2002 (#5256)

i hope you feel better take care of yourself xxxErryn

Re: I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 25 23:04:42 2002 (#5258)

Dawn,
Be carefull...is anyone in the house with you? You need help, you can't stop this on your own now...it's out of control and taking you with it. Please please please please be carefull...we need you.

Re: I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by she on Fri Jul 26 00:09:01 2002 (#5271)

{{{{{{{{{{huggle}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love you
She

Re: I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 23:19:14 2002 (#5262)

Dawn...I know how hard it is. I go through it everyday, should I eat should I not..should I purge should I not, should I exercise one more hour or at all?
its soooo stressful, I never imagined having an eating disorder would be like this,NEVER EVER!
I ate an entire box of trail mix things in the past 2 days plus a bunch of other shit, and I gain and lose 5 lbs at least every week. My bodys going to give out soon..I know.
Im sorry your going through, I hope you can over come it. losing weight is a good feeling, but being thin isnt something that makes you happy. Its a lie..i know you know that
im here
e-mail me PLEASE if youd like to cry or rant or talk or anything.
im here for you always
KAT

Re: I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 26 01:09:36 2002 (#5273)

Dawn,
You know I'm here if you need me. Please be
careful. I love you so much.

Take care,
Rhonda

Re: I am like sooooo losing it
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 26 01:52:45 2002 (#5280)

Dawn-
i hope you are feeling better soon! i know how difficult it must be for you, i too have had my share with an eating disorder and know how much it can rule your life. but you must try not to give in to such things, it only makes you LESS in control of yourself, even if it seems it is giving you more control.

Amanda

Weapon's of Choice
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 25 22:55:15 2002 (#5252)

Hi...
I was just wondering...what do you guys use to SI? I know there are many many different ways to do it..i'm just curious. My way isn't giving the satisfaction I need anymore...
???????????????

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 25 22:58:35 2002 (#5254)

hey i use razor blades, the ones that are replacements for the utility knifes, they havent let me done yet. take care xxxErryn

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 23:24:32 2002 (#5263)

I have one certain way, but usually if Im hurting myself in any way any how I am doing ' my job'. but I have over come alot of that. Im sorry..I dont wanna give out tips.

feel better.
oh yeah and when it stops working you know its time for a change, a change in life, not in what your choice of weapon is.
take care
KAT

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 25 23:26:09 2002 (#5264)

I'm not looking for tips. I know it sounds like that...i worded that way wrong. *Sighs* Whatever.

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 23:59:00 2002 (#5268)

heavy duty razor blades. come in a pack of 5

KAT

Re: Weapon's of Choice ???why do u want to know??
Posted by murie on Fri Jul 26 00:13:48 2002 (#5272)

lone wolf, I read that you say you are not looking for tips, but in all honesty I don't believe you (I'm not saying this to put you down in anyway, but sometimes support has to be challengeing ppls motives, that's what my best friend who had overcome SI did for me). If your question is not about "looking for tips" then I suspect that it comes from an obcession with self-harm that will ultimately take more & more control away from you until you either manage to put the weapon down or you die or you end up institutionalised. My obcession with SI was killing me physically, mentally & spiritually. Kat is right in one sense when "it stops working" it's time to look to other changes to make in your life or for other help (but not other weapons) YOU NEED TOOLS 4 RECOVERY NOT WEAPONS. However in another sense Kat could be wrong because for me SI never stopped working, it just nearly bloody killed me. You may not be fortunate enough to get to the point where it stops working, it might kill you when this is what you didn't intend. Sorry to be so blunt & negative, but this is my experience.

I also think that ppl here do have a responsibility to avoid giving out information that feeds the sickness. However I also know from my expreiences that when I was "bang in active SI" I WAS REALLY BANG IN IT & i couldn't consider anybody or anything else, so I can emathise & see where you are coming from.

really hope you find a way out of this, rather than other weaoons

luv

muriex

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by Jamie on Fri Jul 26 00:07:21 2002 (#5270)

kat i really like your view about..it not working any more..not changing weapons..but changing your life...thats really awesome..and i hope i get to that point!!

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 26 01:49:07 2002 (#5278)

i think murie is right we shouldn't be asking those types of questions on the board because ultimately they can cause harm to other people. even without that intent.

Amanda

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by murie on Fri Jul 26 12:31:42 2002 (#5286)

no-one here can cause another to SI (as dawn has said) I was not criticising anyone for the nature of the topic of this post (because it has encouraged a healthy discussion) I was more voiceing concern from experience, that it would be a good idea to "stop & check" occasionally that we are not causing ourselves more harm by looking for fuel for our own SI obcession & that we are not helping to fuel the obcession in others.

ultimately my weapon was myself, it was in me where the problem lay (not in the self-harm or the instruments I used to cause it).

In all honesty I have learnt more about weapons & instruments & methods of self-harm (and gone on to try them) from others who do it, but it was not their fault because, I chose to get into the discussion & negative obcessive talk about it.

It's a different kettle of fish though when I go to casualty or treatment & the staff tell me about methods & instruments & tricks that others use. I really think that they ought to realise that I could be compelled to try these things.

murie

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by Sam on Fri Jul 26 20:42:56 2002 (#5294)

I know you don't want to hear it, but if whatever SI you're doing now isn't cutting it, (no pun intended) maybe you should consider a new outlet for your stress/anxiety/depression or whatever makes you SI.

However, I know I can't stop you from doing what you want to do, so here are my tools of the trade:

Heated blades, nails, wire hangers (for brandings)

Broken glass, destructed shaving razors, utility knives, exacto-knives (for cutting)

Please think about what's making your SI less effective before you try anything new. Sometimes when you don't feel the pain is when you are the most dangerous to yourself.

Stay safe,

Sam

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 27 11:28:37 2002 (#5306)

Hi
I here what everyones saying, but if lone wolf wants to change the 'weapon' then she will if you tell her to or not. The leaast the board should do instead of condeming her is to answer her question and give her support when she asks for it.
I used to use a craft knive which is my favourite weapon. But I can't anymore so its broken glass or most often dismantled shaving razors.
Love Ella x

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 27 19:51:50 2002 (#5312)

Hey I dont think anyone at all was condeming her in the least bit, just showing concern.
Sorry Lone if it seemed like that, I didnt mean it in that intention at all..hope you know.
KAT

Re: Weapon's of Choice
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 28 00:38:40 2002 (#5323)

Thankyou Ella...you seem to be the only one who understood the question the way i ment it to.
~lone~

No motive
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 25 22:58:16 2002 (#5253)

I cut last night...for the third time. I was in the tub to...never cut while I was in the tub. And the razor wasnt' doing it, I ended up having to take it apart and use the razor itself. The wierd thing is...i had had a good night and day. I talked to this guy i really like and am getting to know...we had fun...talking...and i was just fine. But when i went to take a bath...after a cirtian time it was just overwhelming and I had to cut. I wanted to...there was no motive but that....no pain...no happines...i was...numb. I don't know what i'm asking or what i'm saying. *sighs*
Later, Lone

Re: No motive
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 25 23:00:06 2002 (#5255)

i have done that alot, i hope you feel better and take care xxxErryn

Re: No motive
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 23:27:19 2002 (#5265)

lol..ive said this alot, i know people here are like shut up all ready, but the worst times that ive cut have been for no apparent reason. of course theres gotta be a reason somewhere in my brain but I was having a good day.
please be careful
your an awsome person
take care
KAT

Re: No motive
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 26 01:15:38 2002 (#5275)

I hope you're feeling better honey. Take care and I'm right here if you ever need me.
LOve ya, Rhonda

Re: No motive
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 26 01:55:11 2002 (#5281)

I hate it when i cut myself and i have no reason to. it just makes me realize how much i am losing control of my body, even if it is me who makes me cut myself. (if that makes any sense) it just shows you how addicting cutting really is.

Amanda

Re: No motive
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jul 27 04:12:36 2002 (#5302)

I think sometimes it's our bodies way of saying...hey, you're ont supposed to have good days.

It's about takinga good day and ruining it simply because. A self-destructive lifestyle because we don't understand happy. We don't want happy. We like being like this deep down.

Ignore the crazy talk, I'm sorry if that's wrong to everyone else. i use my experiences to help other people and sometimes' that's worng.

Plus, I'm drunk.

Kayleigh

Re: No motive
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 28 00:43:01 2002 (#5324)

It's only the third time i ever cut... *sighs* i don't know whawt i'm trying to say, i'm just going to shut up.

Re: No motive
Posted by murie on Sun Jul 28 14:03:18 2002 (#5340)

I was addicted to SI, (and it doesn't take long to become addicted). I used it to cope & then after a while I lived to SI. For me just knowing the weapon was there or finding one was enough to trigger the compulsion to use SI. Often I did it because I was bored, sometimes I'd even set a time to do it, when there was nothing much on telly. I didn't need a motive. Of course I always invented a motive or waited for an excuse, waiting for someone to upset me, or say the wrong thing, or something I could claim "traumatic" to come on telly, but the truth is I didn't need a motive I was just hooked.

Re: No motive
Posted by laura on Mon Aug 5 22:17:59 2002 (#5564)

god i thought i was the only one who did that!!! god, i thought that maybe i wasnt "sick" i was just doing it...i duno why. Im so glad (well that sounds awfull, not glad) but that im not alone, love laura xxx

got it
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 25 23:08:01 2002 (#5259)

okay guys i think i finally have figured out why i si. today at work myself and another girl where talking about my mom and they way i seen her last all bloody she shot herself i was 15. i started to si after that. i think maybe i have never had a relationship with anyone i could trust, i dont think i was loved growing up. i dont understand why people have children and treat them bad and not help them then when something happens they are ashamed? why?

Re: got it
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 25 23:12:37 2002 (#5261)

That amkes sence. Usually when mothers do this, is because they actually suffer from depression as well...and dont' know what to do. I'm reading this book on mothers and daughters...suffering from depression and such. I can't remember the title right now...but everything your saying plays some part into the information i am now understanding.

Re: got it
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 25 23:33:15 2002 (#5266)

finding your mother that way would definently be a contributing factor, something tramatic like that.

Im glad your figuring out things, it feels good (sometimes) to put things together in your mind.

some people werent taught how to be parents, well no one was...and some people dont deserve to bring other people into this world, for instance my parents, but I cant change that now.
I dont know why or how people can treat their own flesh and blood their child, a part of them that way...i used to hate my parents for that, but I know its something they learned when they were little too..and I cant blame them fully.
its all about control, which is almost never present when that much anger and rage takes over your body.
take care erryn
KAT

Re: got it
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 26 01:19:06 2002 (#5276)

I don't understand that either. If they're gonna
treat kids bad, why have them. Anyway, I'm sorry
you had to find your mother like that. That was
something no child should ever have to see. I hope
you're getting some help with dealing with this.
If I can ever be of any help, please let me know.
Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

My father slit his wrist when I was 10
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 26 01:37:01 2002 (#5277)

I've always remembered that piece of my history. I lived with fear since I was 17 that I would be mentally ill myself since many people on my father's side of the family had episodes of depression and mental illness. As far as I know only my father tried to kill himself and that was a plea of desperation to get my mother not to divorce him for molesting my oldest half sister.

I think seeing your parent wig out does a lot to the kid who sees it or its aftermath. NEway I think it is a good thing talking about it and seeing how you reacted to it. Me, I started wetting my bed and I never figured the connection between it and my father's failed suicide attempt until I was about 45.

hang in there and if your rope wears out tie another knot and hold onto it....Dawn

Re: got it
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 26 01:57:51 2002 (#5282)

that's really good that you have found what is possibly causing you to SI it is a huge step in the recovery process. once you have identified the problem you can go about finding solutions! i wish i knew why i SIed except for the obvious to make me feel/dull my emotions etc. it would surely make me feel better so i'm happy for you!

Amanda

Reasons, Reactions, Responsibility
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 26 02:09:45 2002 (#5283)

Ok.. I'm wigging out. I'm not sure why it is happening bu I do know it has nothing to do with the people on the board. Its me... totally me.

I think we who SI jump too easily on the blame bus and feel responsible for others' feelings and behavior when in fact we are our own critics not others. I know that I do not have the power to cause anyone to self harm. It is proven every time I give my little lecturettes and some one takes it wrong and gives me a piece of their mind. Actually that is healty. It tells me you are reading and thinking and not cutting.

No one on this board has the power to make me cut or starve or get drunk, pissed off, or feel shame. My brain has the audacity to think it can do all those things too. And I guess at times it does. But the bottom line is the if we cut it is because we make that choice. If we get angry it is because we allow ourselves to be angry as well and far too often we allow ourselves to act out of emotions. I just hope that you all will keep this in mind the next time you react to someone's post or response and see how much power you either take upon youself or give another person. If you figure it out and feel at ease sharing by all means let us in on what you discovered about yourself. Doing so not only helps you but it also helps our readers whether they speak up on not. bye

Re: Reasons, Reactions, Responsibility
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jul 27 04:09:13 2002 (#5301)

I get ya. We make our own choices and it's so easy to blame others...or even ourselves. We have to learn it's not about the blame...it's about our problem.

Kayleigh

Is there anything I can do?
Posted by Louise on Fri Jul 26 08:32:12 2002 (#5284)

I just recently found out that my best freind (since we were 4) has been cutting herself for 2 years. She had a boyfriend that I did not even know about and he hit her, that is when she started. this was when she was only 14. She says that she is just starting to deal with it now by talking with Roy her current boyfriend who has been through it (sort of) before. He is a good guy and I am glad that he is helping her, but is there anything I can do for her?

Re: Is there anything I can do?
Posted by megz on Fri Jul 26 20:39:59 2002 (#5292)

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.There are lots of things you can do for her, but the main one is just be there for her when she needs you.
Take care
love megz

Re: Is there anything I can do?
Posted by Sam on Fri Jul 26 20:54:46 2002 (#5295)

I think you are dealing with a very delicate balance of emotions here. If she approached you and told you that she cuts, then she definitely wants help, but if you found out otherwise, I would recommend that you be very gentle when you approach her.

If she seems to want your help, offer to be there, but don't leave it all up to her. Check up on her occasionally, just by having a one-on-one conversation. Dont be too overpowering or try to force her to stop, just listen to what she has to say. (See what I mean about a delicate balance?)

If you don't feel that you can take on the responsibility of being her confidant or if she isn't ready to talk to you, suggest that she seek professional help. A lot of high schools offer psychologists and social workers, which is at least a place to start.

Let me know how things work out.

Sam

Re: Is there anything I can do?
Posted by Erryn on Fri Jul 26 22:08:46 2002 (#5298)

just be there and listen, dont critize her and be just like you were before. good luck Erryn

Re: Is there anything I can do?
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jul 27 04:06:11 2002 (#5300)

In my experience, there isn't anything you can do but listen. I can't speak for every self harmer, but I know that a lot of us idealise relationships, that the people we love can never live up to. I'm not saying you're fighting a losing battle, I'm saying that there are going to be ups and downs that'll test your friendship more than you can ever hope to prepare for...but the main thing is to take all your friends shit, because after the shit, your friend'll be grateful. I lost my best friend because of SI. she left me alone and I'll never forget it. No matter what your friend says, never let her go because it takes time and hard work to get friends through things like this.

Kayleigh

i don't like subject lines
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 26 17:50:58 2002 (#5290)

So today I was at the mall to buy a birthday present for my mom, and I was short 40 cents. And the saleslady was SO nice. I was just going to not get it, you know, cuz I didn't have enough money. But the saleslady got all concerned and she was like, no no it's ok I'll figure something out - and she just let me have it anyway. I don't know, I know that it's sort of a small thing, I mean it's not like I was short a LOT, it was a freaking 40 cents, but i just think that was really nice of her. I mean she's probably going to have to pay for that herself. And that's a really nice thing to do for a stranger. And for some weird reason it makes me want to cry. It's put me in this incredibly strange mood. And it wasn't even a big deal. It's such a small thing, but it's just...I don't know...you know all those sayings about oh it's the small things you do, and the kindness of strangers, and all of those sayings that you never see happen? Well I guess something happened and to see that there are people out there who will just do a small little nice thing to help a person they don't even know....GOD I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M EVEN TRYING TO SAY. But I'm in this weird mood now and I seriously think I may cry. What's wrong with me? I'm so weird. ARRRGGGGGHHHH.

Re: i don't like subject lines
Posted by Jamie on Fri Jul 26 19:24:22 2002 (#5291)

hey i love that too!! when random strangers do really sweet small things for people...i've strted doing that actually..it really makes me feel a lot better, even if i don't know the outcome..like i left some little notes hidden at tables in restaurants that say have a nice day!...people are awesome sometime....
wow do i ever sound like a dumbass lol i just got excited about that

Good Deeds
Posted by Sam on Fri Jul 26 21:04:40 2002 (#5296)

I know the feeling!

I work at an indoor theme park, and I've hated the job since day 1. My day consists of cleaning bathrooms and pushing buttons to start kiddie rides.

One day, I was so incredibly depressed that I was walking around in a daze and thinking that maybe it was time to off myself. I was checking the seat belts on the ride I was running, when this little girl on the ride said, "you're really pretty."

I thought I was going to cry, and I wanted to give her a hug, but I didn't want to creep the poor kid out. I have no idea who she was, but she gave me just enough of an esteem boost that I could FEEL again. She probably didn't know what it meant to me, but she really did save me.

I guess the world has a funny way of sending you somebody who helps you out, whether they realize it or not. It's one of the little redeeming factors I've found in the world.

Re: Good Deeds
Posted by Erryn on Fri Jul 26 22:05:26 2002 (#5297)

to bad there are not more people like these ones it would make life easier. take care xxxErryn

Binges *All kinds of trigger*
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jul 27 04:00:31 2002 (#5299)

Anyone else have binges? My therapist says that's what i do. I eat, I throw up, I drink, I spend, I cut...

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm kinda drunk as usual. I hate being the way I am. I know how much I'm ruining everyhting...people I love...even myself.

How can I stop? I just want things to be like they were when I was litte. I was a pretty little girl who had a great life and I cry everytime I think of what I've become. what am I now? I'm nothing...I don't have a life, I ruined everything and I can't stop ruining my life.

If I keep it up, I'll be dead before 21. And ya know what, I think that's the majrity of people's wish here. Come on, are there any who haven't tried it? Wanted it? Needed to feel nothing for a while? Thought about it? Prepeared for it?

God why do I feel so alone? I hate living here. I want a support group...I need to be with people like me...I can't stand living round people who don't understand.

I hate these scars. They're so disgusting. I love to see the blood, but to keep them forever. I'm scared because I can never leave this behind.

Sorry, needed to rant. I'm done now.

Kayleigh

Re: Binges *All kinds of trigger*
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 27 04:53:13 2002 (#5303)

Kayleigh,hi..remember u can always e-mail me if your feeling shitty, I know we dont communicate as much as we used to, but Im still here.

I binge ALL THE TIME, I DID TODAY! and Im very upset over it, but this day is almost over and I get to start over fresh tomorrow..just think of it that way.
as cheesy as it may sound.
Life's hard....it fucking sucks sometimes, but I know it's worth living..for what? I dont know that yet, lol.
but we all gotta find out for ourselfs.
take care
*hugs*
KAT

Re: Binges *All kinds of trigger*
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 27 11:14:45 2002 (#5304)

Hey
I binge. I did last night, ended up purging again. I bing eat, cut, drink, smoke... I don't know what else to say, I feel exactly the same. But I never had that perfect childhood, I was on the list of children in danger at home when I was three. So I guess you should hang on to that and try to remember how good life can be. But the way I'm going I'll be lucky to reach 16, let alone 21.
Ella x
PS you can still email me if you want to

Re: Binges *All kinds of trigger*
Posted by murie on Sat Jul 27 13:21:42 2002 (#5307)

Hi Kayleigh,

yes I can ID with what your going through. I'm recovering anorexic/bulimic self-harmer & addict. I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (which I was really angry about at first), but when I began to understand it in terms of some of the feelings that trigger my impulsive, compulsive & obcessive behaviours & get honest about them it helped. Ppl with BPD are often triggered into self-harm, chaotic eating, or drink/drugs by feelings or fears of abandonment, betrayal & rejection from others (but their are other emotions underneath it too). I guess alot of the time I've always felt I never fitted in & ppl hated me. I started a support group for SI, but although it reduced the isolation my SI actually got alot more severe, (almost fatally so), because I was scared that unless I harmed "bad enough" I wouldn't be accepted.

I'm in recovery now, 17 days total absteinance from drink/drugs self-harm & choatic eating. I've found that the 12-step program (eg. narcotics anonymous & overeaters anonymous) works for me & is open to ppl of any age. What has worked for me is to be able to find that space in the program rooms where I can get REALLY HONEST about my fears, feelings, motives, defects etc & find that ppl accept me & respect me for it.

for a long time I didn't want to recover from SI & I spent a long time institutionalised & on heavy medication that made me dribble & slur & stagger. I came through that & my life is every bit as good (if not better) than it was before I thought I'd really ruined it. I'm 31, I self-harmed, OD'd & had eating disorders for 18 years. I thought I'd never recover & at one time I didn't want to, but I'm a couple of years in recovery now.

I've had relapses, but I've never returned to active SI or ED's like I did before. There is hope. hang in there

luv

murie.

I am a monster
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 27 11:21:31 2002 (#5305)

I wish people weren't so scared of death. I wish I could just sit down with mum and tell her it was time to let me go and let me die in peace. I'm suffering, I cant cling on anymore. But thats impossible, she would never understand. So even though I have no need to live, I still have to because my mum would never let me rest in peace.
But its not as though I've just ruined my life. Now I've ruined my friends life as well. Her parents were argueing and her dad said he wanted a divorce so she cut herself because I told her it helped me. Only shallow little cuts, she even cried afterwards, but I did that to her. I told her, I kept telling her how much it helped me, how it kept me alive, trying to show her that its just a coping mechanism. I brainwashed her.
I am a monster.

Re: I am a monster
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 27 15:42:17 2002 (#5308)

i think you are a grate person, i think you were only trying to help her cope and thats the only way you know how. i hope your life gets better and you feel good about yourself some day and it maybe a long road ahead even at 26 im still struggling. you have helped me alot just by posting so i will help you just write okay take care xxxErryn

Re: I am a monster
Posted by murie on Sat Jul 27 19:03:33 2002 (#5311)

Whatever reason your friend cut herself for, I doubt very much that it has anything to do with you. There is alot more media coverage of SI now & so if your friend hadn't heard about it from you, she'd have heard about it from someone else. Many of my friends have cut themselves when they've felt rejected or abandoned as teenagers, (but they haven't gone on to develop an addiction to SI or a serious mental health problem as a result). Even if your friend does go on to develop a problem it's her problem and it's for her reasons, if you suggest to her that it's about you, then you are invalidating her experiences & issues.

If on the other hand (and this has happened to me also) your friend claims to be SI-ing because you told her about it, then you have to point out to her that she chose to do it for her own reasons & for her own motives & that if she hadn't have done that, she would probably have done something else destructive.

Neither of you have ruined your lives. I SI'd for 18yrs, I don't do it now. it took me to some really dark places, and i do have some regrets, but at the same time I like who I am now & I'm a more creative person as a natural result of all the destruction I put myself through

luv

murie

Re: I am a monster
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 27 19:56:19 2002 (#5313)

shes right, your life isn't ruined, it might be really screwed up right now because of the life you've lived and have to live, but it can change and for the better. You've got so so much more life to expereince and I hope it's not all like this..because this isnt what life is all about, or so I think.
You didnt make your friend cut, you expressed your feelings about it to her, and she in turn expressed her feelings in the same way.
Its not your fault..please know that
-
KAT

This reminds me of parents talking to teens
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 27 20:51:16 2002 (#5315)

"If your friends jumped off a cliff would you jump too." I can see your thinking. I have thought about it too many times myself. Even well trained therapist have put the ? to me. "What would you do if one of your kids started cut because you say its ok?" The object is to get me to look at my life example and stop cuttng. But I hold all the power here not anyone else. No one takes my hand puts my scissors in it and tells me to cut point blank. Even if they did if would make me cu. Cutting is my choice, and your friend made her choice. I hate to stat the obvious but you do not have that power. SI is choices we all make every day. You are no monster it shows in that you are willing to take all the responsibilty over your friend's choice when it isn't your fault. and you wouldn't be helping your friend get help by taking it on as your fault. She needs to deal with her choices just like we all have to deal with our own. I hope this helped, but the power to accept it is your own....Dawn

Just stopped in to say hi.
Posted by Nicke on Sat Jul 27 16:18:25 2002 (#5309)

Hey guys,

I am in a really bad place right now, I flushed my meds down the toilet, can't face keeping any food down, even though I have never had and still don't have an eating disorder.

I am having to put plans for the project on hold...sorry guys...I am just going to have to slow things down at the minute.

I don't know what is wrong with me...I have an anxiety disorder, but know it takes all my energy to go out the house...i don't like being with other people...

I cut last night for the first time in 3 weeks...I feeling like I am walking backwards, down the slippery slope.

I haven't been here much...not that it has been oticed...but the reason is that I can't get to a computer...and the ones i have access to mean leaving my house to get to...

Sorry this has been long...I would really like to stay and help everyone on this board and feel kind of selfish for not doing, but if i am being truthful...i really don't know what to say...

Thanx for listening guys...nicke

Re: Just stopped in to say hi.
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 27 18:59:24 2002 (#5310)

i hope everything goes better for you just try and take care of yourself okay xxxErryn

Re: Just stopped in to say hi.
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 27 19:58:44 2002 (#5314)

Hi Nicke, I know you know this, but still I love e-mailing back n forth with you, so feel free to whenever!

Im sorry your ina bad place, good thing about being there is you know theres also a good place to get to somewhere in your mind. So I hope you feel better today, I cant say I know what its like to have an anxiety disorder, but Im sure the feelings Ive had can come close.
take care
*hugs*
-always-
KAT

Re: Just stopped in to say hi.
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 28 07:55:13 2002 (#5335)

Nicke...I'm sorry things are going crappy for you right now. I don't know what else to say except I'm here if you need anything. Feel free to email me. Take care of yourself and stay safe.

Re: Just stopped in to say hi.
Posted by Sam on Sun Jul 28 20:52:16 2002 (#5344)

I really hope things clear up for you. Don't worry about your project for now, just take some time for yourself - that seems like what you need. If you need to talk, e-mail (when you can get to a computer.)

Hang in there.

Sam

Honesty sucks sometimes
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 27 21:35:57 2002 (#5316)

This coming Wed. I see my doctor again. And I need to tell her about several things: I've been taking some of the meds she took me off of a few weeks ago when my kidneys failed and my blood pressure dropped. I've been taking my diabetic pill so I can eat candy, ice cream and popcycles. I've taken a few of my water pills because I ganed 4-6 pounds back. And I've taken the syrup laxative in order to purge so I can get rid of some of those pounds. I don't know what her reaction is going to be. It might help f I take in all the pills I have that I've had to discontinue. This reminds me of when I was cutting 2-3 times a day and would give away my folding scissors so I could tell the doctor in the ER that I had given them away so he wouldn't lock me away. He could just send me home, because my scissors were gone. It worked too.

However, I would say to myself "There is more where they came from, and I always walked down the street about 6 blocks and bought another one.

I feel terrible. I don't want to upset her. Even though she isn't a doctor doctor she does everything a doctor does. In fact I wanted to meet my real doctor and when I saw him he was ticked off because Stepanie is capable enough to handle just about any of my medical needs. But I figured I "ought to" at least see what my primary care giver looked like, (not that I remember his face anymore) but at least I did see him one time NEway. Stephanie was afraid she was going to lose me and had me go off my these meds for my health sake and now I've put it in jeopardy again.
The fact that that is te only self destructive I've used fora week or two doesn't matter. I am outting my life at risk. She could stop seeing me. And I like her so much. I feel like I'm sooo f___ed up just like the Tshirt I had made said. Some time my honesty sucks. I can't lie to her and I can't stop doing thing that will take weight no matter if my life is at stake or not. I'm just not strong enough to be ok with gaining back even 4 pounds. Sorry about the language I implied...Dawn

Re: Honesty sucks sometimes
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 27 21:44:01 2002 (#5317)

Dawn, I know what you mean..I weigh myself 2 to 3 times a day and even seeing one pound over makes me want to cry.
Im sure that if you like your doc. so much and she likes you as well you wouldnt lose her that easily, although it is dangerous that taking those meds for the wrong reasons, although Im sure you know that.
Im sorry Im not sure what to say..please think about your health.
Im here for you..hoping you get better over come these challenges, and get well.
I also see my doc in a few days..soo..we'll see.
I e-mailed you.
please feel free to write back more about this.
sorry I dont know what else to say at the moment.
goodbye
:)
luv
KAT

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