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Threads 1051 to 1075

Good news!!!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 01:52:02 2002 (#5030)

It appears my healt is improving. Nt all the tests are in but the ones that are show improvement. We don't know what happened. Even the noise in my head has gone away for no known reason. Anyway I know many of you have worried about me. And I just wanted to let you know I'm better physically... still lossing weight but I could still lose about 30 pound. Yes I was a hundred or so pounds too big. It sounds worse than it was, but I've dropped 70+ pounds of unhappiness. And gained feeling better. That is weird health. But its mine.
Love and hugs :) Dawn

Re: Good news!!!
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 18 02:08:40 2002 (#5032)

congrates i hope it all works out for you take care xxxErryn

Re: Good news!!!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 18 18:27:01 2002 (#5056)

Congrats i am really pleased for you.

nicke

BETTER NEWS....
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 22:14:31 2002 (#5066)

I was looked at through a scope today, (top and bottom) good thing they put me to sleep for it. I didn't want to be embarassed.
NEWAY...The doctor didn't find anything wrong!!!
It doesn't tell us much but it is great news nehow.

Re: BETTER NEWS....
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 19 00:54:14 2002 (#5071)

Thats great Dawn, I hope this good news further encourages you to get on a good path in life, not like you arent already there though.
I hope things continue to get better!!!
:)
love
KAT

ugh
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 18 02:17:34 2002 (#5039)

im having a hard time at work and just dont know what to do about life. i cut tonight. i shouldnt have but i did. dont know what to do. i hope everyones doing okay, take care xxxErryn

Re: ugh
Posted by diana on Thu Jul 18 09:09:06 2002 (#5042)

its okay to cut here n there... its like having ups and downs. things will get better in work n in life in general.. every1 has shitty days. think positive.-diana

Re: ugh
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 18 18:26:00 2002 (#5055)

I don't really know what to say except that i hope things improve at work

Nicke

Re: ugh
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jul 19 16:21:55 2002 (#5081)

hey girl!
did you ever get that stuff sorted out with that person from work that happened way back? god that sentence made no sense at all, sorry. I hope things get better. give your kids a hug from me.
Love ya!! I'm so glad you're back, I know She missed you as well. :-)
el xxxxx

i duno what to do
Posted by diana on Thu Jul 18 09:01:20 2002 (#5041)

i dunno what to do.. everytime i am sober i cut like maybe 1 or 2 times at the most...but like tonite i was drunk n i cut at least 50 times .. n i duno what to do.. when i see my friends tomorrow wtf do i say? o i feel in a thorn bush when i was drunk? i duno if they will believe that again. im so fucking stressed out( sry bout my language) i just have no idea what to do anymore.-diana

Re: i duno what to do
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 16:17:48 2002 (#5049)

A non cutter would say, "Then stop getting drunk." But as acutter who has got her little but wasted many times. I say, "Hang in there. It does get better if you want it too. And for goodness sake and peace of mind tell them you had a bad day or night and let that suffice."

If they care and ask what happened. Tell them. You would b surprised how honesty dispells the bad feelings about having to come up with a better reason other than noyfb.

What ever you say is ultimately yours to choose. You've been setting your course I trust you find the words you can use. But honesty really does a lot. If they don't like it they may not ask the next time and you won't have to keep coming up with another excuse. Instead of excuses "I go the I ok with approach and tell them this is what I do when I'm upset." Take care of the wounds!{-: dawn

Re: i duno what to do
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 18 18:25:10 2002 (#5054)

Alcohol is a depressant so that means if you are in a bad/low mood before you drink then it will just acentuate the mood. I used to do it with ecstacy...I couldn't fell anything and just used to cut myself up when i got 'high'.

The best thing to say is to avoid drink until you are feeling safer...

nicke

Re: i duno what to do
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 18 21:02:23 2002 (#5060)

Alcohol can bring out the worst in you, be careful....soooo very careful when drinking especially, or on drugs.

Im not sure what to tell your friends, either tell them the trurth but tell them it was the alcohol, or well I dont know, Im sorry.
That sucks though, sorry you had to do that.
When I very first cut I was extremly not sober, on all kinds of shit so ..I dunno be careful because it can get fatal.

KAT

Dawn your posts have changed my whole view on life
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Jul 18 12:34:04 2002 (#5043)

your earlier posts and the detail in which you allowed yourself to go in to HELPED ME OK!

i was too stubborn to admitt it at the time because i hate the idea of people telling me how im supposed to feel

BUT YOU HELPED ME!

i am now able to say......rather nervously...and ok im hell as scared to say it but yeah i will to proove to you you helped me......so ok here i go.....eeeeeeek!

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!

there! now im never doing that again so you as hell better be gratefull hun!

thats why any posts about sexualk abuse trigger me at the moment, because im going through a lot of changes in my life and im not ready for a big discussion about it, so i wont read them, but still post if you feel you have to....your posts help people! ok?!

i hope ive convinced you, you helped me!

take care....yikes im shaking after that!

Dawn your posts have changed my whole view on life
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Jul 18 12:36:24 2002 (#5044)

your earlier posts and the detail in which you allowed yourself to go in to HELPED ME OK!

i was too stubborn to admitt it at the time because i hate the idea of people telling me how im supposed to feel

BUT YOU HELPED ME!!!

i am now able to say......rather nervously...and ok im hell as scared to say it but yeah i will to proove to you you helped me......so ok here i go.....eeeeeeek!

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!

there! now im never doing that again so you as hell better be gratefull hun!

i hope ive convinced you, you helped me!

take care....yikes im shaking after that!

Thank you! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 15:53:22 2002 (#5047)

cya when i get back then.....
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Jul 18 15:45:25 2002 (#5045)

well anyway....

im going to my aunts house so im not gonna be around for a while.........a few weeks id say........so take care all, hope youre all doing ok.

Re: cya when i get back then.....
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 15:50:45 2002 (#5046)

have a nice visit :) Dawn

Re: cya when i get back then.....
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 18 16:55:23 2002 (#5050)

I'll miss you.
Love Ella x

Re: cya when i get back then.....
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 18 18:22:50 2002 (#5053)

I hope you have a good time, I haven't been around much lately so have sort of missed the general jist of things, but I hope that everything goes well.

Nicke

Re: cya when i get back then.....
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 18 21:04:12 2002 (#5061)

watch out for you and only you . be careful
take care
have fun!!!
love
KAT

Re: cya when i get back then.....
Posted by *Poison on Thu Jul 18 23:23:30 2002 (#5069)

i hope you have a nice time, and hopefully your aunt will help you get better

Amanda

Re: cya when i get back then.....
Posted by Erryn on Fri Jul 19 02:28:22 2002 (#5074)

good luck see ya when you get back take care xxxErryn

Re: cya when i get back then.....
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jul 19 16:23:54 2002 (#5082)

I'll miss you. :-(
Love you always and forever girl!
We were together from the start, we've got to keep going ok?!
Love you.
El x

uggh, why cant he leave me alone
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 18 17:04:08 2002 (#5051)

some guy keeps talking to me and asking me if I want some 'fun'. uggh... he asked me if I go to college and I told him I was 14, but he seems to think Im joking. Now he's given me his email, and he's just told me how lonely he is, I feel sorry for him, but I know how vunerable I am and he keeps on at me to email him

Re: uggh, why cant he leave me alone
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 18 18:21:42 2002 (#5052)

SOunds like a pre-pubescent hormone raged typical boy.

If he is bothering you then you need to tell him straight to just leave you alone...believe me, hints don't tend to work with members of the opposite sex!!! No offence to any guys out there.

Nicke

Re: uggh, why cant he leave me alone
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jul 19 16:26:01 2002 (#5083)

do you want me to beat him up for you?! :-)
no seriously, if he's bothering you then you've got to tell him to fuck off. guys don't usually respond to anything less than that if they're determined, (no offense).
Love always,
El x

Re: uggh, why cant he leave me alone
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 18 19:40:30 2002 (#5059)

Hey don't worry about HIM, worry about YOU. This guy sounds really creepy to me. I would highly recommend NOT EMAILING HIM. Either flat out ignore him until he gets bored or tell him to LEAVE YOU ALONE. And if neither of those work then you need to tell someone who can help you get him to leave you alone. Ok, I freely admit to being paranoid, but seriously, that's how people wind up stalkers or whatnot!!!! It sounds like he's a lot older than you. Older men are creepy if they need young girls! Don't get involved with him. HE WANTS YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. Don't let it work. Please please be safe. I don't mean to freak you out, only to let you know of the dangers. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it's my personal opinion to rather be safe than sorry. And if IN YOUR GUT you feel "vulnerable" and don't want to be involved, and he won't let up, then that crosses a line for me.

Voice of wisdom from a survivor
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 22:06:48 2002 (#5065)

Ok, here is where 50 years olds thrive. I know a thing or two about guys like that. Kat is right. Do not email him and do not give him your email address. Men who prey on young girls knows always say "You don't look 14" Just tell him you are jail bait and if he doesn't leave you along you are going straigh to the police. He may think you fooling around but let him know yur are serious.

This cramps my gut. When I think about how naive I used to be. It was guys like that who lead me into many a trap. Pushing all my buttons bye showing me attention and doing it in such a smooth talking way. And that was before computers. Now they lure young girls to their homes, turn on the charm and the hidden video cameras and go to work setting the trap just like fishermen set a hook. Once they have your email address. You're theirs. It is all a scam and ploy to disregard your protests wearing you down while stroking your self esteme. Stay as far away from that man as possible. Keep me informed please.Dawn ):l arg!!!!

PLEASE !!!!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 18 21:06:41 2002 (#5062)

block him block him block him NOOW!~!!!!
SORRY I dont wanna tell you what to do but I was 15 and a man older then me kind of talked me into meeting him offline and it was the most horrible thing in my entire life, well not my entire life but it was soooo bad, I dont even want to go into detail
.PLEASE BLOCK HIM, TELL SOMEOMNE, STOP TALKING TO HIM, BLOCK HIS E-MAIL.
tHIS GUY IS OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE who cant take no for an answer, and he doesnt even know you.
watch out sweetheart!!!!!!!!!!
take care PLEASE...sorry Im freakin out, I have issues with things like this.

KAT

Re: PLEASE !!!!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 22:27:17 2002 (#5067)

me too Kat. But I'm oldest to give advise. Solicited or not. No one was there for me except God and he didn't stop me from being raped over and over because I didn't know how to say no and mean it. I wanted someone to love me soooo much and I went with guys I didn't know who lured me into their cars and took me for rides in the country then when they had made sure I couldn't get away. They raped me and sodomized me and told me if I didn't cooperate I'd be dead and no one would find my body for years. I saved me life, but it is riddled wit bad, very bad memories. Please please do email guys you don't know. Don't get into cars with them. If you want to see the country ask your parents for a ride. Please keep yourselves safe. ]~:l Dawn

Re: PLEASE !!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 20 16:12:33 2002 (#5113)

I told him I'd emailed him then ran out the libary. Havnt seen him since but he lives nearby, he's 22 for gods sake, ugggh.
Ella x

just me talking that no one needs to read-trigger
Posted by *Poison on Thu Jul 18 23:16:04 2002 (#5068)

i am a pathetic, worthless, being. not worth the amount of space and wasted oxygen i consume. i was in the grocery store with my mom last night, and i've had an increasing desire to cut myself lately. while in the store i kept streaming away from my mom "checking out" other isles. i went passed my typical stop for razor blades and went to check out the crayons and paper you know the artsy stuff. something to get my mind off the razorblades. then i turn around and see this wall with home utility stuff. and what do you know there happens to be a small pack of real razorblades. (not the kind out of shavers for your legs that i usually perfer) so what do i do instead of walking past them? i quietly open the package and steal all the razorblades. needless to say i cut myself last night. not bad at all. real razorblades are duller than the shavers. so i was lucky in that sense. i saw my psychiatrist today he still thinks i am dpressed but i don't think so. i think i'm just empty. if i am depressed it is not like usual. anyway he lowered my risperdal, saying that can sometimes make you depressed. i just wanna stop taking all my meds. see if i really do start going downhill. maybe i'll just pretend i'm taking them and then hide them in my room. *sigh* i'm reading the book "women who hurt themselves" and my therapist said she has read it too. i would like to try some of the approaches to healing, that are mentioned in it. like searching my memories to see if there is anything there. i would like to try hypnosis maybe that would bring up something. i just want answers. why am i experiencing so much pain for what seems to be no reason? why am i uncomfortable when guys touch me? why don't i get aroused when i'm being sexual with a guy? why am i constantly deathly afraid of rapists and serial killers? i am lost cause. there is no help for me. cutting is my only savior. the only thing i can look forward to that i know will make me feel better. even if it is only for a short amount of time, i'll take it. if it means i can feel happy for that one moment. i'm sick and tired of not getting anywhere. i'm such an addict. but i don't care. i need it. i need it like a friggen heroin addict is constantly waiting for his next fix. i am nothing without my cutting. my cutting defines me makes me a complete person. let's me experience the whole spectrum of feelings i can not feel on my own. if this means that the only way people are going to keep me safe is by shoving me in a hospital, and even then i will still try to hurt myself then so be it. i just don't give a fuck anymore. i'm sick of trying to stop. there is no point for me to stop if it is the only thing making me feel good them i'm gonna keep on doing it. as deep and as much as i fucking want to.

Amanda

Re: just me talking that no one needs to read-trig
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 19 01:00:54 2002 (#5072)

Hi there, Im sure you know this already but those "real" razors although maybe duller can do so much more damage, just because of the width and the power they have behind them, or the power you give them. Trust me I know though, the first Time I ever bought those kind I seriously thought it was like the best thing EVER. Those razors landed me my worst and deepest wounds ever and I almost died,well It felt like it...so again be careful!!

That book that you are reading is pretty good, I thought it was alright, but every has their own opinions. A lot of people didnt really like the book cutting by steven levinkron and I really related to it a lot so..at least its good in a sence.
he truth is you arent safe anywhere, thats true..in almost all the hospitals Ive been in, I cut so I wouldnt have to leave and in others I cut secretly and they still didnt know, its a matter of will power and the need to get better and the need to get better will increase when the need to stop cutting decreases, and unfortunatly they doing really go hand in hand , you know.
take care
I hope you be careful and stay safe as possible
*hugs*
KAT

Re: just me talking that no one needs to read-trig
Posted by Erryn on Fri Jul 19 02:26:32 2002 (#5073)

hey girl, i know i probably cant help you but please know we are here to help you take care if you need anything just write xxxErryn

Defining sexual abuse.. triggering but INSIGHTFUL
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 18 23:44:28 2002 (#5070)

When I was in a support group I was given literature about sexual abuse. Now up to that time I thought I had never been sexually abused except by a green beret and a man who stolled up behid me late at night and asked me what time it was. I have been taught to be polite to adults and other people so I turned my head and this man was carrying his pants like a waiter carries a towel in a fancy restraurant. His other had was busy (if you nowwhat I mean.) That was it. period. I was given a definition of sexual abuse that exploded that myth I held to for 35 years.

"anything sexual someone asked you to do with your body or their's, or both, that made you scared or feel strange inside, though maybe some parts of it felt nice and the person was a family member or not, and whether they touched you or not, and whether they warned you not to tell, or you knew that if you said anything to anyone about it something bad would happen to you or someone in your family, or them. It is sexual abuse" even if you didn't say no, and even if you did not fight because you were too young, too scared, too intimidated by their size or behavior or manerisms IT IS SEXUAL ABUSE.

Maybe they called your attention toward them and when you looked their way they exposed themselves to you. Maybe they brushed up against you and then acted like it was a mistake. Or maybe you woke up in the middle of the night and they were in your bed and they told you they must have got the wrong bed on their way back from the bathroom. Maybe they wanted to have you sit on their lap and rock back and forth. Or maybe the kissed you and tried to put their tongue in your mouth or asked you to put your's in theirs. Maybe alls they did was watch you go to the bathroom or gave you a bath and something about it made you feel ashamed or afraid. It is all sexual abuse.

What makes it sexual abuse is that these things are not done because of concern for yo but for their own pleasure of a need to exercise power over you.

Until a number of years ago it was all called sexual abuse, rape, molestation, and sodomy. Now they have broken it into categories like sexual harrassment, which cover a lot of the things that happen in school, the workplace, and society as a whole. But it is all sexual abuse and it all tends to make the victim feel ashamed, and bad. When in truth it is always the perpetrator who does these bad things that leave emotional wounds that untreated can follow the victims for the rest of their lives.

Sometimes the victim knows their being abused. But many victims of childhood sexual abuse do not remember the abuse, but have weird feelings around certain people, food, or smell that frightens them or makes them physically ill just talking about them. One woman I knew could not eat ice cream and oter creamy foods because someone had sodomized her when she was very young and the texture of creamy things reminded her subconsciously of semen. Many people never get their memory back because of the effects they have on them. It is God's way of protecting them from the trauma.

Please; if anyone reading this is thrown into emotional distress please go get help to process what you've read. Or if you want you can e-mail me hugs all around. Dawn

NO NO NO NO
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jul 21 07:11:14 2002 (#5137)

NONONONONO its not true. youre lying. its not. NO

Re: NO NO NO NO
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 21 22:52:20 2002 (#5153)

Woah! Chilll Vapor chill.....it's ok....just...ah........man...i have no words at hte moment...just you know what you know ok. Dawn was just giving out some information. maybie it's not all true to you.
Lone

not worthy enough to live
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Jul 19 04:09:00 2002 (#5075)

hey everyone,
i've got such an urge to cut and i'm tryin not to. so i decided to come on here an post sumthin. there is no one online who will talk to me. it kind of makes me wonder if i even have friends. none of them care enough to talk to me or anything. i've spent this entire summer doing nothing. maybe i'm just not worthy of life anymore. i mean, i know this sounds dumb, but i am starting to believe it. my colorguard instructor told me today that guys aren't worth anything. and that if we don't love ourselves then there is no way we are going to accept our boyfriend loving us. i mean in a way i know she's right but i need someone to love me. i've never had a bf, well i had one but he doesn't count he never talked to me, so i feel like i'm missing out on something. all the people i hang out with are couples. they are all going out with one of the others in the group. i'm like the extra wheel. i don't go anywhere with them anymore because i'm always the only single person. it makes me feel bad and then i want to cut and it makes me feel like i'm not good enough for anything like that. then i get into the whole thing on no one loves me enough to be there for me and then i think that i'm not worthy enough to live. it pisses me off. i mean i'm just like anyone of them except for my cutting and none of the people know i cut. no one. so why can't i be loved like them. everyone has someone to sit with on the colorguard bus when we are driving home from the competitions. but do i, no. idk, i just guess i'm not worthy enough to live. watever. well i'm gonna stop now and go sulk in my room and i wish i could cry. i think i need a good cry. but i can't cry. well yea, bye. <3 always,

scaredinthedark

Re: not worthy enough to live
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 19 04:58:07 2002 (#5076)

hey there. i'm not trying to say that i know exactly how u are feeling, but i can relate. i have a group of friends who are all going out with eachother. and it used to be except for me. so i know how u feel just wanting someone to be there for you. i've gotten a boyfriend, but because of how i think and react to situations it isn't very much of a relationship. i feel bad that i am leading him down a deserted path anyways. maybe you can talk to your friends and have them not be so lovey dovey around you. or maybe you can start searching for that special someone. well just trying to help. i think my main message is that your coach is right, it is very hard to love someone if you can't love yourself. but you can sure as hell try!

Amanda

Re: not worthy enough to live
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 19 06:01:31 2002 (#5078)

This is the honest truth, If I could go back in time and change things I would wish that I never had a boyfriend yet, because all theyve caused me is trouble, heart ache and more trouble. I wish I was still that girl sitting at home wishing for the first boyfriend, but now Im just the spite ful ex!
domt rush into anything, its not worth it at all.
I understand though, I hope you are able to over come the urges to hurt yourself, if not you know we are here for you no matter what and be careful!!
*hugs*
KAT

Re: not worthy enough to live
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jul 19 16:29:13 2002 (#5084)

hey sweetie.
I'm exactly the same as you hun, i've never had a boyfriend and i have no friends who want to be with me. believe me girl you ARE worthy enough to live. You've helped me sooooooo much! You are the first person i ever spoke to on the old board ages ago and it's becouse of you that i'm still here now. :-)
you know where i am if you need me.
Love always,
El x

Re: not worthy enough to live
Posted by jennyfer on Fri Jul 19 19:04:11 2002 (#5088)

people do care about you...i care...and i'm sorry if i wasn't on when you needed me to be but you can always email me...u know that don't you?? and i'll always be here for you to talk to...even if you just want someone to listen i'll be that someone for you...to tell u the truth i've never really had anyone there for me so it would at least make me feel good inside to be there for someone...and i don't mean i'm gonna do it just so i can feel good inside i'm gonna do it because i care...i mean yesterday when i was going through my little shit and my friend completly blew me off it left me wondering if made any difference to her if i live or die...i dunno i just don't think anyone should feel like that...and no one will if i can help it

jennyfer

THANKS
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Jul 19 21:13:24 2002 (#5091)

thank you all for writing back to me. i feel a little better today but i appreciate all of the things you said. i understand what you are all saying. thanks again. <3 always,
scaredinthedark

help, but i don't know how to ask for help
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 19 05:03:34 2002 (#5077)

i want help because i feel like i'm starting down a road i shouldn't be, and i need to jeer to the left to get back on track. the only problem is i don't know how to go about getting help. if i ask for it i don't know what direction i want someone to steer me in. it's useless. i'm hopeless.i'm just screwed.

sorry to waste your time
Amanda

Re: help, but i don't know how to ask for help
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jul 19 13:42:44 2002 (#5079)

Sometimes when you ask for the help then it all becomes clearer but I guess that really only happens in the ideal world. But, asking for help is the first step in the right direction...just because you don't know what direction that it is it shouldn't be ignored. You will probably work that out with who ever you decide to ask for help...so just take the plunge, it is all good...postitve steps...

Nicke

Re: help, but i don't know how to ask for help
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jul 19 16:37:21 2002 (#5086)

acknowledging that you need help is the hardest part. now you could ask someone you trust for help or you could go to your doctor. whatevers best for you. sorry, i'm not being much help at the moment. :-)
I hope things work out for you, you seem like a nice person. And believe me hun, you aren't wasting anyones time.
Love and hugs,
el xxx

Good advise Nicke *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 20 05:21:51 2002 (#5102)

helpful website
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 19 16:05:37 2002 (#5080)

this is a good website to find information on medication

www.driesen.com/me dications

Amanda

Thanks *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 20 05:19:21 2002 (#5101)

shit
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jul 19 16:34:23 2002 (#5085)

they put me on new medication the day before yesterday. it's the same old fucking cycle all over again only this time it's worse. the doctor said they'd make me feel shitty for the first couple of days, what she didn't tell me is they'd make me so tired i can't move and that they'd make me put on weight. shit. how the fuck are these things supposed to make me better when they're adding to one of the problems i had in the first place. I've spent my whole fucking life trying to lose weight so people'd like me. to be accepted, to be normal, to fit in. now the things that they give me to try and make me normal are going to add to the fucking problem. they say i should get over it. that it's me whose making the problem. maybe it is. i don't know anything any more. shit.

Re: shit
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 19 18:53:19 2002 (#5087)

that was wrong of your doctor not to tell you. but maybe that is one of her/his reasonings for putting you on that. i don't know wether your underweight or not but that shouldn't matter, people should love you for who you are on the inside. that's what's important. you are a great person, you try to help so many people and i know you have helped me by your posts. just hang in there for those couple of days you never know this might be the one pill that does help you.

Amanda

Re: shit
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Jul 20 01:41:11 2002 (#5095)

It's not you. It is the med's that are making you feel this way. You need to tell him...and if he doesn't listen then quit taking the med's. If you don't like them then you don't have to take them .I've gone threw this before....
~lone~

PATIENCE PLEASE
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 20 05:17:27 2002 (#5100)

I have been on so many different medications before I found some that help my emotions level out. Sometime, most often, doctors will tell you it takes 6 WEEKs for you to see how a new medication works. So my experience has taught me patience. I know that is hard when you want to feel better NOW, but in the long run you have learned what medication works for you or not. Everyone is different, what works for one may not work for you, or it works for a while then it doesn't do its job any more and you need to try something else. Remember there are new drugs on the market every day and doctors and patients get to do a trial and error experitment to see how they work in everyday life rather than in study groups.

I don't know everything but I do know trying new medications increases anxiety so it takes patience to let them get into your system, and many good drugs are thrown out before they have a chance to prov themselves.

Hope that helped someone...Dawn

Re: PATIENCE PLEASE
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 20 21:17:12 2002 (#5122)

I've been on loads of different meds and none of them have helped. I've always stuck them olut until my doctor told me to stop and never thrown any away. i'm not stupid. i'm just so fed up of the whole process. i'm not going to stop taking them, i just don't see the point in medications that make you feel more suicidal for about two months before the doctors decide that they aren't working and put you on a different one that does the same fucking thing.

I'm sorry.. I was just trying to help! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 21 06:47:34 2002 (#5136)

poison
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 20 21:20:54 2002 (#5123)

thank you. i'm sorry that i ranted but i was feeling really low and this is the only place that i can let go. what you said meant a lot to me. i'm actually overweight and have a compulsive eating disorder. i've also been through long stages of throwing up to make me lose weight. that's why i don't understand why the doctor put me on tablets that make me put on weight when my weight is part of my psychological problem?
sorry, i'm going on again aren't i? :-)
I just wanted to say thanks, and if you ever need to talk i'd love you to email me.
el x

TO EVERY ONE.........
Posted by megz on Fri Jul 19 19:29:34 2002 (#5089)

Hello everyone, megz ere.I'm posting this message coz i've just read poisons message a little down below and it gave me a thought.In Poisons message she sed about how self harm controls her and how much she needs it and like most of us on this message board i think we can all sympathize with her.I personally don't think anyone should be put on medication for self harming.In my opinion, the majority of those who self harm do it for one reason-A SERIOUS LACK OF SELF CONFIDENCE.Just think if you did have loads of self confidence in most things would YOU really be a self harmer? Would YOU let self harm control YOUR life? I think docters and those who try to help self harmers should be focusing on getting the self harmers confidence back up again instead of just trying to blind themselves of our problems by giving medication and hoping for the best. Maybe i should take my own advice.I've been told to punch a pillow or draw a red line, but this doesn't work for me.But if an alternative works for YOU, you should deffinately go for options other than self harm.

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL N E WAY
tHAT'S ENUF FROM ME FOR ONE DAY.
fanx to you for reading this, i hope what i've wrote gives you ALL sumthing to think about!!!!!!!
KEEP THE FAITH
LOVE MEGZ.

Re: TO EVERY ONE.........
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 19 23:56:24 2002 (#5092)

Hey there, thats one way to think about it, but almost everyone with that low of a self esteem and who self harms have some sort of mental illness or depression, in a sever form or even just in a minor form. Theres not that many meds out there that can actually control"self harm" but there are a few who help. Most the meds out there help with several diff. things at once, getting your brain working again, leveling out the in balance. Calming down anxiety, and all that stuff that comes along with self harm.
but your right...there needs to be more focus on the actual act then just what we can do to help it.

take care
KAT

Re: TO EVERY ONE.........
Posted by *Poison on Sat Jul 20 01:26:32 2002 (#5094)

i just wanted to say thank you for reading my post. and espically commenting on it. and after reading your post i think you are correct having very low self-confidence in ones self can be a factor in self harm, but i agree with kat that there are also usually other mental disorders that go along with it.

Amanda

Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 20 05:02:41 2002 (#5099)

I don't know how much you know about BPD but some of the symptoms are cutting, low self esteem, eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders, over spending, wreckless driving, relationship problems and those are just off the top of my head. I've researched this.

Kat has been to a special hospital specifically dealing with self injury so what she shared should be taken into consideration.

What I have learned and dicovered to be true is that when the focus is on the behavior cutting increases. But if you take your medicine (because it is a medcal illness) and look at your history, locate what stessors are in your life and deal with whatever they are to eliminate as many as you can you will find that you aren't cutting as much. Ask your therapist, doctor, shrink whether or not you have BPD because not everyone that SIs has it. However, the majority does. :-)..Dawn

MEGZ......
Posted by jennyfer on Fri Jul 19 19:35:28 2002 (#5090)

hay i told my mom about me or whatever and i think she's gonna disown me...shit man i'm begining to think it was a mistake to try and open up to her...i cut my sholders like 16 times and they're all pretty bad...i want help for my "problem" or whatever people call it...but i'm just afraid to take it u know what i mean?? and like i dunno every where i turn for help i feel like people just turn away...i dunno sometimes it leavs me wondering if people really care if i live or die...damnit i just feel so alone right now...so lost within my own world...a world that's not even close to reality...i mean damn i'm so wrapped up in myself that i can't see what the rest of the world really thinks...my "best friend" made me promise that i would call her before i cut myself or anything...and she also made me promise that i would tell her if i did do anything like that...and well i guess i've broken both of those promises...but hay promises never last forever...what should i do?? should i just tell her the truth or keep this all to myself?? should i tell her that i didn't have enough balls to tell her that i cut myself?? or should i apologize for not calling her?? or both?? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!! sorry didn't mean to ramble...just...what should i do??

jennyfer

Re: MEGZ......
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Jul 20 01:50:52 2002 (#5097)

You need to tell her. She sounds like she is willing to help you. She wants to help you. She isn't turning away from you...your turning away from her. Call her, or see her, or whatever you can do...tell her the truth...and if you feel like you need to say sorry, then say sorry if it'll make you feel better. But she is your support, she is your help. Now go get your help before it gets to late and she can't take it anymore. Pleaes....this is what a true best friend is. Your lucky to have her. Go talk to her now.
~lone~

support group???
Posted by *Poison on Sat Jul 20 01:24:19 2002 (#5093)

I was just thinking and wondering...what do you think would happen if there was a support group for people who self injure? doyou think that it would help to have someone physically there to talk to and share your story? or do you think it would just be one huge trigger for people and people would unknowingly get into compititions to try and cut worse than another person? it's just a thought. i think both are good possibilities but would you even show up to one if it were offered in your area?

Amanda

Re: support group???
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Jul 20 01:46:54 2002 (#5096)

I think it would be a good idea to have one. I actually think that there might be some in other areas. I might sit in on one...sit far away and in th shadows, just to listen in. See if I like it. I don't know...it sounds like a good idea.

I think its a good idea!! *NM*
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 20 04:46:21 2002 (#5098)

support group-lonewolf
Posted by Jamie on Sat Jul 20 06:49:51 2002 (#5103)

hey, since we're kinda in the same area, will you email me if you find any support groups around MN? thanks
luv jamie

Re: support group???
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 20 08:06:55 2002 (#5104)

I think it would be a great Idea, Ive asked about it before and Im not sure where in the US but there already is a support group for self injurers, there needs to be more.
But like any place where people come together, at the NA and AA meetings I used to go to, lots of people there got help from one another, but of course there were those who went and did drugs together..so you know. I guess its all aboit choices.
:)
KAT

Re: support group???
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 20 21:13:39 2002 (#5121)

I think that it would be a good idea. I think i'd go to one, but i can't see there being one near me. thanks for what you said before by the way amanda, i know i was ranting and i'm sorry for being so stupid :-)

Support group???
Posted by Kayleigh on Sun Jul 21 01:21:37 2002 (#5129)

I wanna go to one so badly. Anyone know where I could look for one near me??? A website or anything? I'm in the UK and it's more taboo here than in the US so it makes things so much harder to find.

Re: support group???
Posted by murie on Sun Jul 21 01:40:26 2002 (#5131)

I set up a self-help group for women who self-injure (I was still actively self-harming myself at the time, but didn't think this matterd) It did reduce feelings of isolation & helped ppl find access to other services, forms of support, & info about their rights & benefits etc, BUT (and it's a big but) competiveness was a big problem. competiveness in SI is not a character defect, it's the nature of the disease (or what I call the "negative voice") For me (and others too)my self-worth was really low, but I felt others in the group were lovely ppl and couldn't see why they needed to punish themselves. If someone in the group I liked had cut badly my "negative voice" would tell me that "I better do something much more serious, because I was a worse person, and not harming worse than them meant I was weak" It was the same for others too. I think the only way a group can work is if there is a focus on recovery & if the issue of "competiveness" is honestly raised & discussed. I think the best approach is a 12-step format similar to NA & AA and where the meetings are run by ppl with an amount of absteinance & recovery. I've considered starting a 12-step SI program in my area (lancashire) but waiting till I have a bit more recovery time myself. I think another ground rule (aswell as anonyminity) would be that ppl refrain from mentioning numbers (eg. their weight, stitches, bloodloss, HB, body mass index, quantities) & impliments or substances used to harm with or gory details in the group. I would be worried also about ppl attending the group who are experiencing psychosis at the time.

I think the problem of comptiveness & triggering is also big on the internet (although this board doesn't seem as bad for that as many others, probably why I come here). I do know that for me If I frequently visit SI sites every day, then it's usually because I've a relapse coming up. Which is why I don't come here that often or read all of the messages.

murie

Re: support group???
Posted by Sam on Sun Jul 21 20:14:49 2002 (#5144)

I think a support group would be really helpful. I can see your point about "competing" and stuff like that, but I think that if you're serious about getting "better" or at least stopping your SI, you wouldn't get into stuff like that.

Just my thoughts...

Sam

Re: support group???
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 23 20:00:26 2002 (#5195)

I think it's a great idea...in fact I think there might be one somewhere, I think I've heard about it before. I would totally go - but since I still freak about the whole me-being-a-minor thing I'd probably wait til I was 18. But I would imagine that it would help a lot - being able to share. It would sort of be like the board only face to face.

back
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 09:29:31 2002 (#5112)

Hellllllllloooo
Hi I just got back from my holliday it was amazing but i little upseting there were alot of beggers there and homless chilldren being beaen by pimps at the side of roads and things its sooooooooooo sad when you see this going on but it was an amazing holliday ive tryed to reply to most of the posts love you allllllllll
She

Re: back
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 20 16:14:31 2002 (#5114)

He She
Missed you girl
Love Ella x

Re: back
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 20 16:54:38 2002 (#5117)

welcome back, im really glad you had a good time. sorry you had to see those awful things though.
*hugs*
KAT

Re: back
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 20 21:22:53 2002 (#5124)

SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so glad you're back baba! i missed you!!!!!! (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))) ))))))) I'm glad you had a good time, you deserve it!
LOOOOOOOOOVVVEE YOU!
El xxx

Re: back
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 21 22:02:02 2002 (#5150)

where did you go? im glad your back, how are you doing? write back so i know take care xxxErryn

Re: back
Posted by she on Mon Jul 22 10:04:22 2002 (#5165)

Hiya :D:D:D
Haya Erryn i havent seen you name for a while
(((((((((((huge huggles))))))))))
I went to Strasberg in Eroup it was pritty amazing A very wierd place but lovly it felt nice to get away from things for a while .
Love you are
She

oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 20 16:18:50 2002 (#5115)

Mum told me she wants a break from my selfishness so I'm not to come home all weekend. Big deal right? But last night I stayed at Sams and today she spat coke all over my arm which pissed me off so she threw a bottle over my head. Petty and all I know... But She marched off and I cant sleep round hers tonight and all my clothes are there. Tried to arrange to go round Jades but she has to check with her mum, if I cant go round there then Im in shit. My Mum says Im not to return home under any circumstances.
scared scared scared
Ella x

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 20 16:58:50 2002 (#5118)

ELLA!!!! your mother has no damn right to do that to you, not at all.
Thats extremly selfish of her, Im not trying to say bad things about your mother, but you are her child, you are her responsibility at least until your 18, if not forever. Thats bullshit,please tell your mother that its your house too and you can sleep there if you please. I dont know how your mother is, sorry..I dont mean to get you into trouble.I guess if I were in that situation, I would definently fight back against my mother, but you are only 14!!! sweetie!
you dont deserve that kind of treatment, ESPECIALLY from your mother.
I reallllllllly hope things get situated out soon. I cant imagine how scared you are, damnit I wish I could offer you aplace to sleep, unfortunatly I cant.
stay safe!!!!
Im thinking about you so much
*hugs*
KAT

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by she on Sat Jul 20 19:20:09 2002 (#5120)

Ohh my god .
How could someone do that to you ? Your to lovley .Selfish !!!?? huh whos being the selfish one i ask ?
Take care seetie im thinking of you loads
Luve you
She

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 20 21:24:53 2002 (#5125)

god if i could get my hands on your mum.....arrrrgh! you deserve so much better than this. I wish i could do something. I love you sweetie. sending you a hug (((((((((((ELLA))))))))))
el xxx

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 20 23:36:21 2002 (#5127)

i wish you lived closer to me becuz you would be welcome here anytime. i hope it turns out okay take care xxxErryn

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by *poison on Sun Jul 21 02:34:53 2002 (#5132)

This is terrible! i hope your friend's mom says yes, and if she doesn't you should have your friend tell her the reason why. maybe that would convince her more. Kat is right you are your mother's responsibility till you are 18 you don't deserve to be treated this way. if you live anywhere near NH you can stay at my house! :)

(((((HUGS)))))

Amanda

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 21 06:43:57 2002 (#5135)

I hope things get better. I have no experience with being kick out of the house. I don't believe it is legal in the U.S to do that to a minor. Maybe you are in another country. I'll say a prayer for you. :-) Dawn

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jul 21 15:31:30 2002 (#5142)

Dawn's right, if you in the United States, that's
against the law. If anyone finds out, your mom
could be arrested for child endangerment. Man!!!
I sure wish I was in your area then you could
come stay with me. I'm thinking and praying for
you honey. Let me know how you are doing. Please
take care of yourself. YOU'RE SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: oh god, homeless and suicidle
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Jul 22 11:59:37 2002 (#5167)

Aww, thanks, Im in the UK, so I dont know if its illegal over here. Porbably but she was very careful with her wording, 'need a break', 'stay at a friends'.
Her mum did say yes, so I was ok. Gonna find out about hostels for under 16s to live.
Ella x

Look whose back
Posted by Kayleigh on Sun Jul 21 01:18:13 2002 (#5128)

I came back like I said I would, ready to unload my problems on people who don't need to hear them, but do anyway...a kinder gesture than I can get from my friends at the moment.

I think I've reached a point where I can see where things have taken me and I know I can't go back. I can see how much I've hurt people and know I can never take it away and have a normal relationship with them. My Mom cries because of what I've done to her. My Dad won't talk to me. My best friend has moved on to better things and I can't help but look back at everything I've done and resent it.

How could I have been so selfish and stupid? I deliberatly ruined my university career. I'm now working 10 hours a week, earning nothing and I just know I'll never get out of my Mother's house.

I feel so trapped here, I can't breathe. Theres no freedom and I'm constantly choked by responsibilty and guilt...the two things that make me cut.

I hadn't cut for like a month. And even that was a little (or a big deep gaping) mistake. I was doing so well, I was off the med and my mood swings were okay and I stopped forcing myself to throw up and I was fine. How did I blow it again?

I took a piece of glass and hacked away at my arm. It asn't until I was finished, I realised how little damage I'd done. Was it the glass or me? I'm scared I've lost it...whatever I had before that helped me vent this way.

My councellor seems a dumb fuck, but he's a coniving little bastard. When we were talking about the bust up with my dad, he picked up on my smiling and that only made me laugh. He knew exactly what I was doing. I have an inabilty to show emotion (thanks mom and dad) and I use humor and playing with my hands (you know, clutching, nail digging...that kinda thing) to stop myself from crying when I get emotional. I don't like that. I don't want him to know my little tricks because I couldn't take breaking down in front of him.

How am I gonna hide this mess? My Mom's gonna know. She aleady checked on suspicsion but I was crafy and managed to show her three sides, leaving the underside of my left arm hidden. Guess where the cuts are.

So anyway, seeing as I have no real friends right now and I'm back to lying to my mom, thought maybe you guys had a few words of encouragement.

I counted the pills and planned on taking the today. My mom yelled at me so bad, told me to leave. I have no money (I'm debt girl) and no place to go...there was no option other than to top myself. Made sense to me. But I yelled back at her until I told her about the bulemia...it seems the only time she's nice to me these days is just after I reveal a new problem. I'm gonna run out soon!!!

Wow, I talk don't I?! OKay, just feeling low, death wish, 'need to leave home' syndrome...possible case of 'I've blown everything, my life is ruined and everyone hates me...'

Thanks for hearing the rant. Sometimes that's all I need. To rant. Regardless of who listens.

Kayleigh

Re: Look whose back
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 21 01:39:36 2002 (#5130)

Take care of yourself. And Welcome back. Wish I could be of more help. But i have my period and don't feel so hot. SOrry.
~lone~

Re: Look whose back
Posted by *poison on Sun Jul 21 02:40:47 2002 (#5133)

I think it is good your therapist can read you. it's okay to cry. it can be very benificial. and i know it's hard to cry in front of people you dont' know very well, but maybe it is for the best? you can get back on your feet i know you can, it just takes some time, and it's not going to be easy. but it will be worth it in the end.

(((((HUGS)))))

Amanda

Re: Look whose back
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 21 06:36:38 2002 (#5134)

Well well... I don't know you, so I don't know what you were sharing about, but it sounded like you were coming down on yourself way too hard. I don't think your are as bad as it sounded. I do know though that you came to the right place. There are plenty of us here to listen to you. I personally would like to know more about you. If you want to talk e-mail me. Hang in there. I'm here if you need me. love and hugs :-)...Dawn

Re: Look whose back
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 21 07:26:36 2002 (#5139)

Kayleigh, sorry hun, Im lost for words..seems to happen to me a lot lately. I know your strong girl though, being onyour own..and makin it this far.
just dont forget what you have been fightin for.
Take care..sorry I couldnt help more, im a dumb ass
take care
Kayleigh
mail me if ya need ANYTHING.
*HUGS*
kat

Re: Look whose back
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jul 21 15:38:35 2002 (#5143)

Hey Kayleigh,
Sorry you're having such a bad time. I don't really know what to say, but just know that I'm
always here if you want to talk or anything. Take
care of yourself honey. NO matter what anyone
says, you are a very special person.
Love ya always, Rhonda

Re: Look whose back
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 21 21:59:43 2002 (#5149)

i hope things get better, im glad im on my own and am old enough to say its none of your business to my dad and his wife, they ask about it becuz i embarrassed them, well its my body and their mistakes, if you need anything just ask, take care xxxErryn

breaking me
Posted by Jamie on Sun Jul 21 07:21:56 2002 (#5138)

i just need to sort things out, i apologize if i sound completely naive. so i just got started up on welbutrin..and it's been long enough to have results...atleast this is what i can feel,although i don't know if it's working properly, because there are other things mixed in, now i'm taking 2 other hormone pills, midol...and (obviously) i have my period and i'm going nuts and shit...i've never wanted to cut so badly, i know i will tonight...i just have this urge to cut so fucking deeply...i want off this med.

Re: breaking me
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 21 07:28:58 2002 (#5140)

Hi...I know you prob. feel like shit and dont wanna hear this right now, but Ive been onwelbutrin for a while now and I call it the miracle drug, because its done wonders for me. although i still have my moments when i get depressed as shit. i hope it works out for you.
take it easy on yourself

KAT

Re: breaking me
Posted by Sam on Sun Jul 21 20:22:18 2002 (#5145)

Don't give up on the wellbutrin. My boyfriend was on it almost a month before it really started to help him. Of course, he didn't have the same kind of hormone issues, but just give it time.

I know it's not typical advice to tell you to cut if you need to, but I feel like sometimes you just NEED TO. Well, give it time and stay strong.

Sam

Re: breaking me
Posted by *Poison on Sun Jul 21 21:28:13 2002 (#5146)

I was on wellbutrin for quite a long time. it worked for me for the first few months, i think as with any drug you have to give it plenty of time. at least a month. i know how you feel about wanting to get off the medication, i can't stand taking medication, but i have to realize that maybe i DO need to be on it. if after at least a month (and you should check with your doctor if there are any drug reactions with midol and wellbutrin) then maybe you and your doctor can think of some other medication that might possibly work well for you. don't take matters into your own hands with the meds, like stopping them suddenly, because that can cause you to crash and you might not realize it but they could be working in some way and you don't want to jeopardize your life.

Amanda

Re: breaking me
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 21 21:56:09 2002 (#5148)

hang in there girl, i jope they do find the right meds for you. if you need to talk feel free. and take care of yourself. xxxErryn

Re: breaking me
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 21 22:45:48 2002 (#5152)

Although I have to dust off my memory of the problem that horemones play on the female gender I don't have to dust off the urge to cut. What I have discovered is that when the urge is so strong and I don't cut it causes the urge to grow considerably. But if in those urges I go ahead and basically just scratch the surface it pacifies the urge without me needing stiches. The important thing is to take care of yourself whatever form that takes. Hugs...Dawn

Re: breaking me
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 21 23:18:53 2002 (#5155)

I tried Welbutrin. It sucked big time. Made everything worse. If you dont' want it get off it. I'm on effexor now. It's working ok. better than anything else i've tried that sofr shure. And honey, i've got my period too, and i'm taking midol. I'm not feeling that bad...get off the med. It's not worth the side effects.

Re: breaking me
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jul 22 07:26:07 2002 (#5164)

thanks you guys...i don't have too much patience w/ this med i guess...i'll wait a bit longer to see full results before i make any decisions w/ getting off it...im just in a lot of pain that i can't handle any more...i cut so badly last night, there was blood every where, it was dangerous too, near my wrist...but i was okay with that, it was what i wanted, i was ready to die last night...i've never been so fucking afraid, im so scared of what my emotions are capable of doing to my body...i don't even try to cover anything up any more...i'm tired of playing this alter ego..covering my pain w/ clothing...i'm just so afraid of what people are gonna say, what they'll think of me...i start highschool...beginning of september...i hate that i have to go into highschool as a weak...self-destructive girl...who on the outside is the "popular" smiling...girl who everyone judges by what they see...its hard to create the perfect person for everyone else to see...to get them off my case...

whoa i'm sorry if that made no sense...

~
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 23 00:52:00 2002 (#5179)

It made perfect sence. People are crude,rude, malicious,and can be just as self-destructive as you, just not physicaly. If you understand. Hang in there...
~lone~

Re: breaking me
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 23 20:14:10 2002 (#5196)

Hey Jamie. Ok, I know absolutely nothing about meds so I really can't help you there. But I know that when I have my period I get really PMS-y and stressed and it's a time when I feel so depressed and stressed and everything that I want to cut SOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad ~ and I'm not on any meds. I don't know if you usually get like that or not, so it may or may not be the meds. You may want to talk it over with your doctor/psychiatrist cuz they might have some insight. Take care of yourself and STAY SAFE. Don't stress about high school too much - it can be really shitty at times but it can also be really fun. I know the feeling about having to hide who you are. I'm going to be a senior next year and I have the closest group of friends, and no one in my entire school, not even my friends, would guess that I'm anything less than "normal." You do what you have to do to survive, I guess. Anyway, I'm here if you need anything.

when i cry at night...
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jul 21 07:32:00 2002 (#5141)

when i cry at night, its because there are no words to express what i feel. its becuase im sad and scared and all alone, its because im lost and confused, its becuase i lack understanding, its becuase i love him and i know he doesnt love me, its becuase nobody understands, its because im living in my own world, its because im caged and they call this freedom, its because language is inadequate to describe emotion, its because sight and hearing are selective, its because they care, and its because its not enough... its because im me...
Later, Vapor

Re: when i cry at night...
Posted by Erryn on Sun Jul 21 21:54:12 2002 (#5147)

thats very good, im sorry you feel that way, but its good to write it done, i hope things get better for you, if you need anything just ask, take care xxxErryn

What an incredibly wonder/sad writing
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 21 22:31:48 2002 (#5151)

I am struck immiediatelly how talented you are. It is wonderful that you have the gift to take abstract emotions and create a picture of your heart.

There is another picture I see. It is picture of God holding you in those times of deep sorrow when you think you are all alone. He lovingly strokes your lovely hair to comfort you he while at the same time He is collecting the every tear you shed. The bible talks about the bottle He saves them in and how when we meet Him face to face He brings out the bottle and shows us we were never alone then he will empty the bottle and take we will know without a doubt just how much He loves us.

It is so comfortng to see that picture and know that my tears matter to someone. I hope it helps you. Love and Hugs... Dawn :-)

Re: What an incredibly wonder/sad writing *NM*
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 22 18:52:24 2002 (#5169)

Re: when i cry at night...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 23 00:55:11 2002 (#5180)

That really was beautiful Vapor....
*HUggles* And some of us do understand.
~meg~

Re: when i cry at night...
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 23 20:16:58 2002 (#5197)

WOW...that's beautiful...and SO truthful...it's exactly how I feel, too...thank you for sharing...WOW.

Not many people on here
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 21 23:17:05 2002 (#5154)

Is it just me or has the board lost a lot of people. It just seems to be fewer people posting these days. Maybe it is because people are getting better or it is summer. What do you think?

Re: Not many people on here
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 21 23:37:34 2002 (#5156)

could be for a number of reasons,I know that statistically in the hospitals the summers are slower then the school year, so maybe its the summer..maybe people are better. I dunno I see the bored go from slow to really busy in a matter of days..not sure

take care
KAT

Re: Not many people on here
Posted by Erryn on Mon Jul 22 00:54:33 2002 (#5159)

i think everyone is busy and like myself have a hard time writing, i just like reading some days xxxErryn

Re: Not many people on here
Posted by *Poison on Mon Jul 22 04:52:22 2002 (#5162)

i think a lot of people are just lingering in the shadows. they may or may not be doing well, but feel like either they do not want to hurt anyone on the boad by posting, or are doing to well to think they should post anything

Amanda

Re: Not many people on here
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Jul 22 12:03:22 2002 (#5168)

Hi
I dunno, I guess we have lost a lot of people. I dont post so often becuase Im banned at home and the libaries only open on certain days. Maybe its a good sign, people are better and do not need the support the board offers them.
Ella x

Re: Not many people on here
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 22 18:55:16 2002 (#5170)

I hope it is that people are getting better but i also know that's not likely. i don't post so often because i'm not doing well and i don't want to upset anybody. which i also want to apologise for dawn. (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))) thank you for replying to my post and i'm sorry i was so horrible. i'm really not doing good at the moment. i hope you can forgive me?
El x

Re: Not many people on here
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 23 01:04:50 2002 (#5181)

I post when i feel like i can.

Re: Not many people on here
Posted by she on Tue Jul 23 14:30:17 2002 (#5188)

Hurmm i dunno ...wierd i guess
Love yall
She

Lying
Posted by Sam on Sun Jul 21 23:37:46 2002 (#5157)

I don't know what my problem's been lately. Normally, if one of my friends calls me and wants to do something, I look at it as an escape from moping in my room.

Lately, though, I've been REALLY depressed (even though I don't know why) and whenever somebody calls, I tell them I have to work or do laundry or something just to avoid going out.

I've even been avoiding spending time with my boyfriend, who is practically my best friend. The only time I see him is when he stops by to see if I'm home.

Where did my motivation and my appetite for fun go? Every time I turn somebody down, I only get depressed, but I don't feel like I can get up and do anything. Can anybody relate?

Sam

Re: Lying
Posted by Erryn on Mon Jul 22 00:53:12 2002 (#5158)

i can relate try though and go out and have fun, becuz i turned my friends down and they left and now i dont have many left. maybe talk to them, you will always have us, but you need person to person friends, i hope you feel better, take care and if you need to talk just write xxxErryn

Re: Lying
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 22 00:56:21 2002 (#5160)

I do that allllllllllllllllllllllllll the time.
up until recently, for about 6 months I wont answer the phone, I make up every excuse in the boook not to go out, and it sucks.
sorry i cant type much right now,
but i can sure relate
take care
KAT

Re: Lying
Posted by *Poison on Mon Jul 22 04:55:11 2002 (#5163)

i can relate. i've made up dozens of excuses so i didn't have to go with friends. but sometimes you just need to pull yourself up out of bed and just try to socialize. sometimes that can be the best medicine.

Amanda

Re: Lying
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 23 01:17:34 2002 (#5182)

I hardly leave the house...i sleep all day because i'm depressed and no doctor seems to be able to help. I hardly have a friend...my best friends seem to have given up on me...and those who havn't live to far away and don't have the funds to visit me. So yes i can relate.
~lone~

Hey
Posted by Erryn on Mon Jul 22 00:59:37 2002 (#5161)

i am feeling down today, im not sure why some people have good lifes and some have bad, im not saying mines bad but at work everyone just doesnt understand why i cut, or even why anyone would do it i try to tell them that everyone reacts in different ways like smoking some there do it becuz they are stressed, well thats why i do it, their reply its not the same, i tell them mines better becuz although i will have scars they will have disease and coughing and whatnot. i wish they werent so judgemental. i wish i didnt do it, i wish i wasnt here, i dont know why are people so mean including my parents?

Re: Hey
Posted by she on Mon Jul 22 10:07:07 2002 (#5166)

Got people can be so jugmental at times its hard to belive that Si is so unbelevable (dose that make n e sceance ?)
((((((((((((many huggles))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((morre huggles)))))))))))))))))
{{{{{{{{{and loads more}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
She**

Re: Hey
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 22 18:57:08 2002 (#5171)

people don't like what they don't understand. people are also shit :P
sorry, i have issues at the moment, lol!
Love you loads!
El xxxx

Re: Hey
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 24 02:42:50 2002 (#5211)

Good comeback!!!!! I hope things get better for
you soon. Of course, you know to well how people
act. I could say, ingore it, but I know that is
hard to do. I'm here for you if you ever need me.
Take care honey.
Love ya, RHonda

France....and apologies
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 22 19:05:58 2002 (#5172)

hey guys.
before i start i want to apologise to anyone i upset by being so rude before, especially dawn. Dawn, you are one of the most special, understanding and wonderful people i have ever come across and i'm so sorry for snapping at you in my reply.

ok, as i've said before i'm not doing too good at the moment. my medication is making me walk round in a fog all the time and i'm worried abou lots of stuff. my parents are going to france for the first week back at school in september. I'm supposed to be going with them but i don't want to because i'm resitting the year as it is because of my si and depression and that means i'll be almost 2 years older than all the people i'll be with. i also find it really hard to make friends with anybody, i'm very self concious and shy and i can't talk to people. all my old friends will be in the year above me and i'm worried that if i miss the first week back it'll be even harder for me to make friends because by the time i get there they'll all of had time to form groups and things and i don't think i can do it. i'm worried enough about my si and my mental state without having to worry about fitting in.
I was talking to my mum about it last night and i told her all this and said id like to stay home with my gran while they went away and she just came out and said no because you'll do something stupid like slit your wrists. what?! I'm more likely to be suicidal if they make me go than if i stay. I just don't know what to do anymore.

and again, i really am so sorry.

Re: France....and apologies
Posted by Erryn on Mon Jul 22 22:14:14 2002 (#5174)

i hope everything works out, i actually havent met a person with si who isnt self conscience about themselves instead of going to france you should come to ohio to my house, you would feel loved and comforted. take care xxxErryn

Re: France....and apologies
Posted by *Poison on Mon Jul 22 22:51:36 2002 (#5177)

no apologies needed! everyone gets upset at some point, and you shouldn't have to be sorry for it. be pissed off and be proud! because i don't think many people took offense to it they understood that you were upset and dismissed it after being concerned for a lil bit. and about going to france i think your right you shouldn't go, maybe your parents can postpone the trip???

Amanda

I read this first, I guess that is a good thing
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 23 01:56:29 2002 (#5184)

I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all you just said. Like I said I have read any responses today to whatever it was I said that upset you. I guess I will find out. But I want you to know that I care about everyone here or I wouldn't be here. I got what I came after when I first started on the board so I would have quit coming long ago if it weren't for encouraging you all as much as I can. :) Dawn

I have to laugh. I hope you do not mind
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 23 02:22:19 2002 (#5185)

It is good to let things go. Speaking of letting things go. I did read your response on Sunday and was not in the least offended by it. I guess I'm either too dense to recognize when I'm being snapped at, or I'm getting too old to let little things get me upset. For you it may be a midol moment, but to me it is just normal. The funny thing is I forgot what midol moments are. last time I had one was in...........I can't even remember. Now I just have brian farts and forget what I was going to say, said, do, did. I am just one step away from being too old to care about trivial things. What upsets me is me causing anyone more pain. I am not easily offended because I am human too.