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Threads 951 to 975

hmm...do or donts
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Jul 1 14:30:37 2002 (#4514)

i go to see my psych in about 2 hours and im just wondering.....im feeling really suicidal, have for a while, and also more throwing up and more cutting.....but i dunno whether to tell her or not? im scared she might take matters out of my hands and i dont want that i just want to be able to vent about it without worrying about peoples reactions/actions....hmm what do you guys think? hehe i know its not like the biggest problem in the world or anything, just dunno whether to trust her iwth it or not......ahh life...isnt it just great?!! (sarcasm there btw lol)

take care all xxx

Re: hmm...do or donts
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 1 20:38:24 2002 (#4523)

hi
maybe just tell your therapist youve been feeling really sad and feeling like cutting, see what she says then, I guess its bestto be honest but I understand, maybe just work your way into telling her instead of just coming out and saying it, but still if you feel its getting out of control dont let yourself become victim your mind.
love
KAT

Re: hmm...do or donts
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 1 20:55:11 2002 (#4527)

hey sweetie.
i guess it's best to be honest. she can't help you if she doesn't know how you're feeling can she? sorry, just ignore me. I'm not being very helpful am i??
love you!!!!
El x

Re: hmm...do or donts
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:08:10 2002 (#4576)

I know that I am answering this a bit late so Ihope you can forgive me my lateness.

I think that you will know when it is time to TRUST you shrink, but you have to do it someday, otherwise they can't help you...

It is a bit of a 'catch 22', you don't want to tell because you don't trust, but if you don't trust you can't be helped.

My advice is to take the plunge, or before taking the plunge, speak to your therapist about your concerns.

Perhaps ask her what would happen if you were to tell her what was going on, tell her what you would like to happen, just an idea but you need to raise these concerns and be truthful to yourself and you shrink for things to work...

Mail me hunny and let me know how things went,

Nicke.XXX

erm.......
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 1 20:59:57 2002 (#4529)

hey guys.
I guess some of you might have noticed i've not been around for a while? maybe. anyway i've not been good. i feel like i'm moving backwards instead of forwards, just when I was starting to feel better.
anyway, i just wanted to say hi and that I missed you all. i hope everyones doing ok? erm...well anyway, i'm here if anyone needs anything ok?
Love you all,
El xxxxx

p.s (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))) )))))))))))) to she, jade, ella and donna. thank you for caring that I wasn't here. love you.
and also Rhonda. thanks for the mail. i love you as well.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx

ELEANOR!!!!!!
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Jul 1 22:28:24 2002 (#4542)

hey hun!!!! how are you?!!! sorry to ehar youve not been so good, just to let you nkow im here! awww ive missed ya hun, i got so worried! you take care yeah? love ya to bits

donna xxx

Re: ELEANOR!!!!!!
Posted by She on Mon Jul 1 22:43:58 2002 (#4546)

Hiya
:o(Ahh honnie im sory things arent 2 great at the moment .
(((((((((((huge huggle))))))))))))
(((((((((morehuggies)))))))) ))))))))
love you to pices ive mised you so much.
Loads of love hugs penguins a refill for that huge ice vodca bottle and well more ((((hugs)))))
She

Re: ELEANOR!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 2 04:18:55 2002 (#4552)

hi Eleanor.
Sorry to hear your not doing well, Im not either, I guess thats why I havent been able to post much of anything lately.
take care
we're all still here for you too.
hugs
KAT

Re: erm.......
Posted by Jade on Tue Jul 2 07:59:33 2002 (#4565)

El! Oh, I'm so happy you're back! I did indeed miss you and here's another hug for you ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))) (although I doubt I missed any :) Loads of love, Jade

ELEANOR, PLS READ.
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:13:26 2002 (#4577)

I am so glad that you are back, I know that I didn't respond to that thread, well I don't really know why, guess cos there was nothing else to say except I hope you were safe...

How are things, sometimes you know it is okay to ask for the help...what I mean by that is that you say you are feeling down but you are there for people...(this is sounding like a lecture but it is not, honestly, I am trying to sound caring!!)...Everyone will understand if you just want to BE helped for awhile, instead of HElping everyone...That sounded all wrong, but I have a funny feeling you bet what I mean...

I would really like you to email me sometime, so we can get to know each other a bit more, (that sounded a bit corny, but it is true).

Nicke

new here
Posted by murie on Mon Jul 1 21:01:10 2002 (#4531)

Hi, I've just found this forum.

I'm in recovery from SI, eating disorders & drug abuse. I haven't SI'd for 3 months but I have burns from back then that are not healing well & they are making me really depressed (aswell as being physically uncomfortable).

when I was in active self-harm obcession, I liked cleaning & dressing my wounds but now I lie in bed all day rather than face having to look at them when I clean & dress them. I'm the best person at practically cleaning & dressing my wounds, but I really feel I need some moral support from district nurses coming to my home to help me being able to face changeing them.

I've had a shit day today, I went to see the nurse practitioner about the fact that they are not healing & that I really feel I should be reffered to a burns specialist. But she really upset me by telling me that they were superficial (they are not) and that there was no point getting them skin grafted because I'd only go and burn over the grafts again.

I've no intention of ever wanting to harm myself again (although came close to it after her comment) but It's a day at a time & i can never say never. I don't actively self-harm obcessively like I used to. I just wish ppl could see this. It doesn't help when all ppl think I am is a self-harmer.

murie

Re: new here
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 1 21:04:08 2002 (#4532)

hey sweetie.
some people should really have their tongues chopped off!! that nurse should think about what she's saying. it's good that you're getting yourself under control, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. this is a good place to get support. if you ever wanna talk then you can email me.
take care of yourself.
love el x

Re: new here
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Mon Jul 1 22:41:10 2002 (#4544)

Hey,
This is a good place to find support. I've been said to be a self harmer myself. But I don't harm myself anymore either. You just have to try and ignore those ppl who insist on making you seem like the worst person in the world. Your not bad at all. Tell yourself that...it does help.
~Lone~

Re: new here
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 2 04:14:03 2002 (#4550)

Hello, welcome here.

sorry that woman made such a comment, god that would have pissed me off too.
I hope you find some peace here, we're a great group.
take care

KAT

Re: new here
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:16:22 2002 (#4578)

Seems like you are pretty clued up on things about self harm.

Glad you found the board, this is this best place to be, for moral support or ranting and raving, venting even...

Also, take notice of the email at the top, use it anytime you feel the need to chat ot anything...

Nicke

Re: new here
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 3 03:35:41 2002 (#4599)

Hello, welcome to the board. We are a diverse group; all over the states and world wide. I'm turning 50 on the 5th and haven't harmed myself for months. I could relate to your story some what, but thankfully I had a great therapist who walked me through mamy hard places and she taught me I had power to demand respect from anyone who affect my recovery. I stayed with her for years and since her there have been many others. I've had to fire two because they were not open minded and tried to have me follow her demands of not focusing on my feelings and problem from both my life as well as my past. She had an agenda and tried to mmake the follow it. It was weird and not supported by everyone in thesame clinic.

If anyone does not respect you you have the right to fire them and get some that you click with. Now that doeosn't mean that they bow to your demands but that they listen and talk things over with you and treat with the respect all of you deserve. You can report her to her superior and fire her and get another doctor, nurse, or counselor, or any other service personell you need. But also remember not to stoop to their standards either. Many people talk a good talk but miss the boat with it comes to provide good care.

This road to better mental health is a difficult one and you need respect. I will pray that you find a better nurse. Hope your road is easier than mine was...Dawn

Re: new here
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 16:16:38 2002 (#4608)

hello hun, welcome to the board. interesting last comment there......now you mention it thats all people see me as...a self harmer. thats it! hmm will do something to put a stop to the out of order labelling and stereotyping me thinks..yeah right.....

anyways take care hun and welcome once again. im donna, 17, self harming for around three years now, bulimic too.

take care xxx

LOCATION
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jul 1 21:34:55 2002 (#4537)

hey i was just wondering where everyone here is from? anyone from united states?

Re: LOCATION
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Mon Jul 1 22:42:18 2002 (#4545)

I live in MInnesota

Re: LOCATION
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jul 2 01:00:47 2002 (#4547)

I live in New Hampshire (US)

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Jamie on Wed Jul 3 05:43:55 2002 (#4601)

lone-i'm from minnesota too, st. paul...how bout you?
jme

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Sam on Tue Jul 2 02:10:13 2002 (#4548)

Hey -

I'm from the US, Chicago specifically. Uuuummmm....yeah.

Sam

Re: LOCATION
Posted by jill on Tue Jul 2 02:24:35 2002 (#4549)

washington :( used to live in california

Re: LOCATION
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 2 04:15:23 2002 (#4551)

Texas

(unfortunatly)

KAT

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Katelyn on Tue Jul 2 04:40:26 2002 (#4554)

Connecticut.....crappy ole CT

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Chrysti on Tue Jul 2 06:28:26 2002 (#4560)

Wisconsin

Re: LOCATION
Posted by diana on Tue Jul 2 06:41:33 2002 (#4561)

i live in new jersey(US)..where do you live jamie?

Re: LOCATION
Posted by chelle on Tue Jul 2 06:55:33 2002 (#4563)

hawaii(o'ahu)

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Jade on Tue Jul 2 08:04:02 2002 (#4566)

I live in Oregon, but might be going to the Bay area, or Seattle soon. (HUG to Kat living in Texas during the summer time!) Jade

Re: LOCATION
Posted by melz on Tue Jul 2 08:53:07 2002 (#4567)

Pennsylvania!! Has anyone seen those commercial for pennsylvania-come, stay invent the future. Yeah well it sucks here, spare yourself, and dont come ;)

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:18:48 2002 (#4579)

Well, I live over the pond in good ole England...am originally from Scotland though.

Have you heard of LIVERPOOL??? I live about 13 miles from there.

Nicke

Re: LOCATION
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 2 17:41:55 2002 (#4587)

Ohio

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 2 19:20:23 2002 (#4590)

I live or rather dwell in good-o Salem, Oregon. Within sight of the capitol building.

Re: LOCATION
Posted by jill on Tue Jul 2 22:13:27 2002 (#4596)

jade... where in the bay area? im giong there this summer....yes hm i live in spokane...

Re: LOCATION
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 16:13:41 2002 (#4607)

leeds, england....

Re: hey melz..gotta ?
Posted by diana on Wed Jul 3 05:18:04 2002 (#4600)

hey.. do you live anywhere near philly, PA?

Re: hey melz..gotta ?
Posted by melz on Wed Jul 3 07:02:37 2002 (#4602)

no, more near pittsburgh

Re: hey melz..gotta ?
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 3 16:54:29 2002 (#4610)

a little town called chesterfield in england, near sheffield.

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Tiff on Fri Jul 5 04:54:15 2002 (#4669)

Texas, Conroe area

Re: LOCATION
Posted by Jade on Fri Jul 5 10:11:28 2002 (#4674)

I'm not sure where yet in the Bay area, doesn't really matter to me. It would be in August.

Dont know anymore
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 2 04:31:17 2002 (#4553)

Im not trying to brag or anything like that, but I know myself I have come along way and been through so much shit, too much for a person my age,or any age to go through. I know I dont have it as bad as some people and some people here have made it a long long way further then I have, but I al ready am giving in , gigivng up, forgetting how far Ive come and what for.

I know that I contradict myself a lot, but I dont care anymore. Ive come to a point that all that has happened up till now has been nothing but pure shit.
why did I get the parents who treat me like im a concentration camp? I dunno, why do I have to deal with so many deaths, so many people dying before they should..or what I think they should.

Its not even about cutting up my skin, and then oh no god forbid sending me away AGAIN.
I dont know what Im trying to say..
its allto much, to much to keep trying, to much to keep wanting to go on.

Yah Ill make it through this, but what about next time and the million times after that.
I know for a fact everyperson does not live a life like this.
so why should I..live. A life like this.

whether I hurt myself or not, whether I do anything or not,it doesnt really matter.
Yeah I know theres hope for things to get better, and I am convinced that everyone here can heal from whatever it is your going through, but when you live a life that isnt even a life..its time to stop.

KAT

Kat Hang In There
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 2 05:24:03 2002 (#4556)

I am almst 50 and I know I'm one of those you speak of who has been to hell and back and I'm still here plugging away.

You are you. no one else. You are the only one residing in your skin, hearing your own thoughts, feeling the feelings that are uniquely your own. And I know that it is difficult living right now with all that has happened in your life and in the lives of people on this board. And only you know when enough is enough.

I reach that place "enough times" to make terminating my life more possible than I ever thought. And yet here I am.

It is because of you that I am still here. You are incredible intuitive and your ability to articulate your feelings and contemplate life the way you do has been a hand that reached my own life just when I've needed it and I beleve if you stop all that. God will step in and hold you just as He has held me all these years. Reach out and He will be there for you too....hugs Dawn

.........
Posted by chelle on Tue Jul 2 06:53:52 2002 (#4562)

hey Kat,
Im feeling the shittiest right now....
I dunno if i can go on either. will we ever get better? i have no dam clue...but u know what, ill do anything for u, honestly. ur like a really good friend that knows what kind of shit I go through...well thats because ur going throug so much things that are similar. your a big part of my life and i truly dont know what would happen if I lost you. yea, I want to end everything, end it right now...probably thats will feel so much better.I hate my life so much Kat...
lets try to get through one more time....if we've been through this long...maybe we can go a little longer. I'll be here if you need me.

~Love u Lots~
chelle

Re: Dont know anymore
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:24:16 2002 (#4580)

Your right...it is time to stop...but not to give up. It is time to stop PUTTING up with the shit, you have to deal with it, as it comes along, not letting it build up.

One thing that helped me a HELL of a lot was that I found out that I am going to have bouts of depression for the rest of my life. I recognised this, learnt to accept it and am trying to move on.

I know that I will be feeling like this for the rest of my life, but if I notice the signs early enough, then I will be able to get the help before it gets too bad.

What I mean is that acceptance is a good start to healing...but perhaps the hardest part.

This is getting long so just email me hunny...pls...

Nicke.
P.S., I am looking forward to recieving your email!!

Re: Dont know anymore
Posted by She on Tue Jul 2 16:28:13 2002 (#4585)

Hiya Kat
My god this dam world can be an ucky horrible bitchy thing :o( You dont deserve to have gone trhough what you have I know weve never spocken much but you seem like such a wonderfull person
((((((((((((((((huggles))))) )))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((moree huggies)))))))))))))))))
If you every would like to talk please let me know Im here for you
LOADS of love ann hugzz
Stay strong
She

Re: Dont know anymore
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 2 17:52:03 2002 (#4588)

Hey KAT. I don't know quite what to tell you...there's nothing I can say that will make everything better. Just know that I know, and everyone here knows, what it's like to live a life that isn't even a life. It's not fair for us. There are a million people out there who live "normal" lives, lives that none of us will or can ever know. But there are people out there, like all of us on this board, who do understand what you're going through. And I know that part of the reason I'VE stayed on this board for so long is because I'm desperate for people who understand. People who won't judge you even when you reveal your innermost feelings - they won't judge you because a lot of them HAVE those same feelings. So please stay strong, and take comfort in knowing that you're not alone. We all care about you. Email me if you need me, ok? Lots of love, take care and stay safe.

Thanks..
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 2 20:35:03 2002 (#4591)

thanks everyone, I feel a need to thank you all for replying, I re read that and realized theres not much to come from it, but you all made something.
Everyone here helps each other, I know that, and thats why Ive been here so damn long, also like me said.
Ive been having a VERY VERU HARD time right now, and I know you ALLLLL know how that is, I mean we are all going through our hard times right now.

Thanks againthough
*hugs all you *
i love you
i feel better now, its just like at night my moods go into deep low depression, strange.

love
KAT

Re: Thanks..
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 16:13:01 2002 (#4606)

dammit im late again, im always late for your posts?!! argh! okies well i hope you are feeling better now hun? and you just keep fighting hun, you are a strong person, stronger than you think. take care

donna xx

Re: Dont know anymore
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 3 16:56:00 2002 (#4611)

I don't really know what to say except i love you and you've helped me more than you'll ever know. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))

how can you be yourself??
Posted by Katelyn on Tue Jul 2 04:59:47 2002 (#4555)

does anybody feel the same way as me when i say: you cant be yourself because everybody around you is suddenly into what you are so if you mention what you like they think your just saying it to be cool. its wierd you could like or have interest in something for the longest time and a "Friend" could suddenly take interest in it for a week or two and when they bring up the topic and you mention your also into that thing they think your a "poser" and are just trying to "fit it"
i dont know if this happens to anybody else but i just feel like how can i be myself when it seem slike they follow but call you the follower. then at the end of the dsy i feel like shit thinking about how i cant be myself anymore and cut. its like everybody tries to out do one another lately.lol like i have a good way to put it, they think theyre cool because they have a new interest thats not "mainstream" -best way to put it- and when you mention your into it theyre offended because they find out theyre not "differnt" or "abmormal" so they get pissed at you and dont talk to you. its crazy, but i could go on forever but just gettin aggrivated tryin to spit out my point ehich isnt working very well. bye bye

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 2 06:18:57 2002 (#4559)

I've been there myself. Its called life. you are either a leader or a follower but the botton line is "There is nothing new under the sun"

Vitually everything we feel, see or do, or say has been felt, seen, done or said by someone else since time began. Sorry if I burst your bubble...
What you are experiencing is typical for teenagers. If you are not a teenager please forgive me. Boy I think I dug myself into a hole with this one.
N E Way ..... What I hear you saying is that it is hard to be different. However, its worse to be a follower. While maintaining your own heart. I think the trick is to let things slide. Be yourself inspite of what people around you do or say. and even if you get caught up in something and become a follower big deal. I don't think when you are older, like me (50) it will have made any significant difference in howyour life played out.
Don't mind me I'm just feeling 50 a few days ahead of schedule...Dawn

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:30:50 2002 (#4581)

I thik you got your point across...THat situation has never happended to me, well not like that anyway.

Last year, I was self harming alot and I had friends who worked in a hostel. Everone in the hostel started to experiment with self harm, it didn't last long but whilst it did, everyone was doing it. The problem was that those who were really suffering and not just experimenting(not trying to downplay anyone SI at all, pls don't misunderstand me.) but those who needed the help were being tarnished with the 'follower' brush.

I went to these people for their support but couldn't get it for fear of being branded a follower.

SO I think that the situation is kinda similar but the best thing that you can do is to try and be true to yourself. Realise that they are jst being superficial.

Email me anytime...

Nicke

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 16:09:50 2002 (#4605)

yep....i understand the point you are making....

thats life i guess....

great huh?

take care hun, try not to let it get you down too much, its soo not worth it

donna xxx

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 3 16:57:21 2002 (#4612)

it drives me mad. I just wanna be me but it seems so impossible.........

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by She on Wed Jul 3 17:02:33 2002 (#4614)

I dont want to be me im nasty and stupid and well me .
Love from
me not being me

SHE!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 3 17:11:24 2002 (#4615)

you are not nasty and stupid, you are the most loveable person i know!!!!

Re: SHE!!!!
Posted by She on Wed Jul 3 20:28:48 2002 (#4631)

Hurm
Well uhhh rmmm
Hee hee well whetever i am i love you to pices
She:O)

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by murie on Thu Jul 4 23:36:46 2002 (#4662)

I think one of the things that helped me get some length of absteinance from self-harming was the stubborn-ness of my "disease". I told my keyworker that I've quit harming because "it's too fuckin trendy" & whenever I hear anything about self-harm on the media or websites I always look for my differences to that person rather than the similarities. Hey, didn't you know I invented self-harm! whilst it was a relief to eventually discover that others do this too & I wasn't nuts & I could "fit-in" somewhere, there were also alot of resentments because self-harming didn't feel like MINE anymore, know what I mean or am i really "terminally unique" in these feelings?

I go to a 12 step fellowship. There's a word for wanting to be special & different from everyone else, it's called "terminal uniqueness". It's what tells me that I am uniquelly different from other addicts or ppl who self-harm. That common experience & wisdom can't apply to me. My friend said to me "your uniqueness will kill you" & I think he's right.

murie

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by murie on Thu Jul 4 23:38:18 2002 (#4663)

murie

Re: how can you be yourself??
Posted by Katelyn on Sun Jul 14 05:38:44 2002 (#4908)

sorry people i havent been here in a while thianks for responding but lol my post sounds dumb reading now that it was so long ago so if it sounded dumb then dont mind me..... that makes me never wanna post again :( lol

Poem: The Shadow Of Darkness
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 2 05:39:33 2002 (#4557)

In the shadow of the darkness there stands a lonely bridge. It spans the sunless chasm and leads to the great beyond where souls forever groan.

Those who corss over do so of their own will beckoned to an early grave by a death-song that has played too long. Freezing their mnds and turning their hearts to stone.

In the shadows of darkness a lone soul hesitates as if caught by an invisible hand.

Suddenly a light appears. Dispelling the darkness. A voice rides a mighty rushing wind, "My child, come away from the edge and follow me."

The tormented soul illuninatd by the brilliance slowly turns and faces the light. Then drops her head.

A faint cry can be heard echoing in the stillness, "Life is too hard. I hoped you'd understand."

A single icy tear trickles down the frown line. The weay soul collapses. A wimpering mound one step away from the grave.

Re: Poem: The Shadow Of Darkness
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:32:58 2002 (#4582)

Dawn, that was so beautiful...you really have a wy with words, I noticed that from your replys...

I hope you will be posting some more of you poems, I would really like to read them.

Nicke

Re: Poem: The Shadow Of Darkness
Posted by She on Tue Jul 2 16:29:38 2002 (#4586)

xxx

Re: Poem: The Shadow Of Darkness
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 2 20:37:25 2002 (#4592)

I reallly liked that.

Wow.. it was sad.

i liked it alot though thanks for puttin it up

:)
KAT

Re: Poem: The Shadow Of Darkness
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Tue Jul 2 21:54:38 2002 (#4594)

It's lovely....deeply lovely

TO MY FUCKIN FATHER
Posted by chelle on Tue Jul 2 07:03:20 2002 (#4564)

Im sinking down so deep inside....
I cant see up...and I cant see anything
your voice..your presence
it just crushes me...
My life will end soon...i can feel it coming,
this hatred for you....you better realize.
you made me sick.....you make me puke,
your face is the demon....the satin is you.
you saw my blood....you blamed me,
me?me? its all your fault...........
how dare you hurt anyone like you did......
how much I HATE YOU!!!!!!!
you better fuckin realize....
I WANT YOU DEAD!!!!!!!
its eitehr I die.......or you die.
FUCK YOU DAD....FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: TO MY FUCKIN FATHER
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 11:34:37 2002 (#4583)

That was very powerful, yet another writer on the board...not that I am complaining, I love reading everones poetry.

Keep sending them.

nicke

Re: TO MY FUCKIN FATHER
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 2 19:10:44 2002 (#4589)

From all those deadly, crushing, bitter experiences comes this delicate life and beauty, to teach us what we in our faithless ignorance and fear call destruction is creation.... John Muir

chelle, I too know the kind of pain and confusion, hate and fear, and I am still here to tell you that in spite of what your inner voice speaks to you You can get beyond the pain, Shame, and anger to a place of peace.

The above poem is on a plague given to me some 10+ years ago when I was going through the throes of remembering my childhood sexual abuse and how it sexual assault became the norm for me even throughout a 16 year relationship with my children's father. Even now, nearly 16 years after my divorce was final I still have dreams and nightmares in which he is my worst enemy. But finally the nightmares do not trouble me as they once did when I'd waked up and cut myself to try to punish him, a dead man.

In reality I was being cleansed of the memories of long ago, but like you they were crushing me, and indeed creating me over into a woman with scars, but finding peace. I believe now you don't have to die to be free. God can begin working a miracle out of your present crushing experience if you but ask Him to.

I will be praying for you...love Dawn

Re: TO MY FUCKIN FATHER
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 2 20:39:18 2002 (#4593)

chelle that was an excellent poem..Im sure it hurts alot to feel that way, I know the way I feel about my father I couldnt describe, but that was pretty close.

Writing helps
great poem
love *hugs*
KAT

Re: TO MY FUCKIN FATHER
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Tue Jul 2 21:58:52 2002 (#4595)

Do you really have that much hatred inside of you?
~lone~

Re: TO MY FUCKIN FATHER
Posted by melz on Wed Jul 3 11:17:02 2002 (#4603)

I know i have that much hate inside of me.

Re: TO MY FUCKIN FATHER
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 16:06:59 2002 (#4604)

hey hun, that was very strong? no not the right word..powerfull maybes more the right word? anyways whatever word it was good writing, i hope that made you feel better hun. take care

donna xxx

Stranger in the night...
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 2 10:35:33 2002 (#4571)

I left a response to your post shitty(trigger).

Please read it, I think it would good for you to read it...it is further down the page...

Nicke.XXX

Re: Stranger in the night...
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Jul 2 13:18:06 2002 (#4584)

thsnkyou for your post hun, thouhg i still disagree with ya thanks all the same, it shows that you care and thats all i ask these days..for someone to care..

donna xx

ps. heard of liverpool? course i have yay!!!!!! im going there for the weekend actually...well, the other side really.....the wirral...you know it? so where are you then?

Re: Stranger in the night...
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 3 17:31:23 2002 (#4617)

St. Helens...it is a little town just outside...

It is where Saints Rubgy team are from, and Johnny Vegas the comedian from the ITV digital adverts with the monkey in them...he is from just around the corner actually.

Nicke

poem....
Posted by jill on Tue Jul 2 22:14:30 2002 (#4597)

An Urge

A single icy tear
slides down my face.
Frustration.
Anger.
The urge was too strong.
I couldn't resist,
not this time.
I grabbed something sharp,
looked at my bare, pale skin,
unharmed.
Watched a thin red line appear.
Satisfaction.

Re: poem....
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 3 01:35:15 2002 (#4598)

You are a gifted writer. It will take you through the storms of life if you dont stop writing. Write till the pain is gone and you will be amazed how it smooths out the road of your life. God bless you... Dawn

Re: poem....
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 3 17:36:41 2002 (#4619)

That was a beautiful poem keep posting them

Nicke.

Re: poem....
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 11:23:21 2002 (#4641)

Hi
I love that poem! good luck with your writing,
Love Ella x

News about Rhonda
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 3 16:54:27 2002 (#4609)

Rhonda has asked me to let you all know that her grandmother passed away and for a while she won't be on the board. She say she may check in now and then but wouldn't be writing. But she wants you to know she still cares.

It might be nice to leave her a message to read when she checks in....Dawn

Rhonda
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 3 17:00:31 2002 (#4613)

Rhonda I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I'm sure that somebody related to you must be a very special person and i feel for you and your loss. I'm sending you all my love and I'll be thinking about you and your family.
Love always, El x

Re: News about Rhonda
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 3 17:29:30 2002 (#4616)

My condolences are with the family, and just let Rhonda know that she will be missed, but not to worry about us...

Rhonda...you are in my thoughts...

Nicke

stay strong rhonda
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 17:37:33 2002 (#4620)

rhonda i am so very sorry for your loss and am sending you and your family huge hugs. i am so sory hun, i will be thinking of you and though im not a very religious person usually im going to church on sunday and i will definately say a prayer and light a candle for you. take care rhonda, love you loads, stay strong xxx

Re: News about Rhonda
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 3 18:05:21 2002 (#4625)

Rhonda if you read this......
*so many hugs*
I will definently e-mail you.
gosh, I know how this hurts all to well.

love lots
KAT

Re: News about Rhonda
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 3 20:28:02 2002 (#4630)

Rhonda I'm so sorry...my prayers are with you. I'm sending you an email to read when you have the chance. Lots and lots of love.

Re: News about Rhonda
Posted by She on Wed Jul 3 20:32:07 2002 (#4632)

hiya \Rhonda
((((((((((((((((((huge huggles)))))))))))))))
Im thinking of you and you familly loads and loads .
Im here for you allways if you ever would like to talk .
Loads of love and huggles
She

Re: News about Rhonda
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 11:25:33 2002 (#4642)

Hi Rhonda
You have given me advice and support on my darkest days and I owe you so much, I hope I can help you and you know you can email me whenever. Stay strong, you are in my thoughts.
Love Ella x

Problems with security
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 3 17:35:55 2002 (#4618)

I may not be able to post so much because the place where I use the computers has high security and will only let me access some of the posts...so don't think I have disappeared.

Email me if you need me.....

Nicke

Re: Problems with security
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 17:40:04 2002 (#4622)

hey hun, oh its a pain in the ass when that happens huh?!! if you dont post in a while ill email and see how your doing, till then take care hun, hugs love donna xxx

Re: Problems with security
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 11:27:10 2002 (#4643)

Hi
Me too! Im at the libary and I cant see past the 'poem' post, some one must have swore in the heading or something. AHHH! I hate it when this happens!
Love Ella x

A QUESTION
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 3 17:39:32 2002 (#4621)

Last night I had a difficult time sleeping. It bothered me that there is so much child abuse, (verbal, physical, AND SEXUAL) and how it affects people's lives. A lot of venting which is great. But what bothers me is that it is not being reported to authorities so that it can be stopped.

When I was younger I'd hear my mom and her relatives talking about the news in the neighborhood and about some young girl getting molested or raped. And they thought the girl "should have know better" or her morality questioned So I did not speak up and say He messed with me too just now. I kept all my abuse secret because I didn't want those things said about me.

Times have changed. There are agencies set up to protect and defend children. Pardon me that I refer to you all as children. It is just that if you are under age and living with your parents who abuse you, then you are their children regardless of your age.

MY QUESTION IS WHY AREN'T YOU REPORTING THE CRIMES TO THE AUTHORITIES? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OLDER BEFORE YOU SEEK REFUGE. ITS THERE TO HELP YOU NOW!

I am a parent and I lost control a lot and beat my kids a lot before God spoke to me in the middle of beating the life out of my son and intending to do the same wth my 2 girls one day. He said, "Hit him agian and you will never stop."
I did stop. I reported myself to the authorities and started getting the help I knew for years I needed.

IT MAY BE THAT YOUR PARENTS WANT TO STOP BUT HAVEN'T THE COURAGE TO SEEK HELP BECAUSE OF THE CONSEQUENCES BUT INSTEAD OF STOPPING THE ABUSE GETS INCREASINGLY WORSE NOT BETTER.

Once I got help and my eyes were open to what damage I was doing to my kids minds I wished someone had called the authorities on me long before I got to the place where I was going to murder my children and myself because it was making us all mentally and emotionally ill.

If your parents are beating, molesting, raping you CALL THE POLICE. REPORT THE CRIME or it may continue until you are an emotionally crippled person like me. If no one else is defending you PROTECTING YOU then you need to do it for yourself. And your abusive parent.

There are reasons why we self harm. And when we put a stop to what the reason is we can work of the emotions that drive us to self harm.
I know all the reasons we keep quiet, and I also know how difficult it is to make that call. But it doesn't get better until the abuse stops... Dawn

DONT GET ME FUCKING STARTED........
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Jul 3 17:49:21 2002 (#4623)

easier said than done....

i havent reported the bastard because there is no fucking point!!! im sorry for my language but this fact FUCKS ME OFF!!! the police have said that it will be my word against his and he will more than likely get away with it...or the CPS will throw it out. its different over in america....... you are stricter and you put the victim before the abuser. in england it is the opposite, tony blair needs to sit down and have a think at who he feels deserves to be put first...the bastards that do this sort of thing or the victims that are forced to suffer in silence because there is no such thing as british justice....BRITISH JUSTICE......MY ARSE!

an example for those living in america. recently a man who lives in my area was convicted of sexual abuse on two children. hooray i hear oyu cry. wrong! this man got 12 months for both children....a total of 2 years in jail........probably one year for good behaviour!!!! one year for sexually abusing 2 children of 8 years old. he is also only on the sex offenders list for 10 years. HE SHOULD BE ON FOR LIFE! im sorry but how can ONE YEAR IN JAIL BE JUSTICE? FUCKING HELL!!

i live in england and because it iwll be my word against his and i have no forensic evidence....ie. semen or whatever....then the case wont even get to court.

THE BRITISH LEGAL SYSTEM IS A FUCKING JOKE. THEY ARE TOO BUSY TRYING TO PROTECT THE RIGHTS OF THE OFFENDERS THAT THEY FORGET ABOUT THE RIGHTS OF THE VICTIMS.

BECAUSE YEAH THATS RIGHT GUYS, DAWNS POST HAS MADE ME REALISE THAT I DO HAVE SOME FUCKING RIGHTS....

SORRY FOR THIS POST BUT FUCK IT MAKES ME SICK HOW PEDOFILES ARE TREATED IN ENGLAND...FUCKING SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: DONT GET ME FUCKING STARTED........
Posted by She on Wed Jul 3 21:14:11 2002 (#4636)

OK back

Ok so why didnt i reaport the person who did what he did to me well to start with i didnt becaus he had so much power againsed me i was terrifyed to also im not a strong person if he wanted to he could easily of killed me maby it would have been best dunno but I was and still am terrifyed of him .
Secondly I didnt want my mother brother and friends to find out.I found the shit hard enought to deal with alone if n e one else had got involved i was lost .
However.......When i started to think he may be doing this to other younger people i did go to the police immedatly to find that the did
FUCK ALL AND THIS PISSED THE HELL OUT OF ME and what the hell could i do about it .when he realised that i was taking acction he left the area thank god but I will still get those fucking nightmears about what he did to my body and what he may have done to others.
Ok so thats muy story im gonna shut up about me now.

Dawn, Donn is right about what she said there is little to no action taken in Britain so if someone is brave enough to go and report what has gone on little to no acction is taken to it if the do get sent down it is for a very short time smetimes as little as a short vacation and when they get out the restriction is about the width of a door.
So I guess this is why many people dont go report things Im not trying to say this is the case for all people but i garentee it is not so simple as you made it out to be in Britain it may be different in America i dont know .

Sorry if this didnt make n e scence i get a little caried away sometimes
Love you all muchly
She*

Re: A QUESTION
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 3 18:13:05 2002 (#4626)

ah,m this is a very touchy subject with me.
For years on years onyears my parents abused me and my brother ( not my youngest brother though) physically, and I didnt know any better, and tell you the truth I always threatened my mom that I was going to callthe police I'd say about at age 9 and I would go pick up the hpone and that would make her "abuse" me even worse. So many people are afraid and dont want to tell dont wantanyone to know, I didnt want the cops to take my parents away, when your that young you think what they are doing is justifiable, and theres no way I was going to let someone take my parents from me, even if they were doing that.
They were also extremlyy and still are to a point verbally abusive, but again I couldnt tell the difference becausr thats all Ive known.
I know feel so much fucking hate towards them for it, it wont even change inmy mind and I know( but dont want to) that im going to hurt my kids if I have them, yes I can stop the cycle, yes I can starta new chain, but no i cant erase whats happened and thats all I know how to deal with things.

sorry Im not going off on you Dawn, I think your post was great and people shouldnt definently call authorities if they know someone being abused or are themselfs, but It is true..the feelings that come along with those things will never fade out of the 'vicimts' mind. never ever ever.

*hugs*
KAT

i mean should
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 3 18:16:09 2002 (#4627)

ahhhhhh sorry i always mess up my typing, i iwsh this place ahd an editing thing. I meant to type should deifnently call the authorities.

:)
KAT

just a min
Posted by She on Wed Jul 3 20:38:07 2002 (#4634)

Ok
Hee hee i really want to reaply to this cause i feel really strongly about it but i have about 10 mins b f i have to go somewhere so Hang on......
She

(donna honnie I love you;O)))

Re: A QUESTION
Posted by murie on Thu Jul 4 00:04:01 2002 (#4638)

Hi,

firstly thanks to all you guy's who welcomed me here. Not had chance to read many of the threads yet today, but wanted to post some responses under this one.

Firstly, thanks all of you for your honesty, but especially you dawn, I think you are extremely courageous to have seen that you needed help, I am not a parent & I've no idea how I would cope bringing up kids 24/7.

In my active self-harming I claimed it was always because of abuse & sexual violence in my past. As I moved away from active (frequent) self-harm & got absteinant I began to see that "fixing" on events in my past rather than feelings in the present was in many ways just as bad as physically cutting myself up.

In my active self-harming I was full of hate towards my perpetrators & my father & constantly thinking about ways of getting revenge or justice (that didn't involve violence). And I too am in the uk & knew that the cps would throw it out of court. I don't think my obcessive thinking about my abuse helped me & also I self-harmed for lots of reasons (eg. there was nothing any good on telly - it became an addiction in itself & it had been with me as long as I can remember, I personally can't see my own self-harm as having a route cause in abuse, but it is a large contributing factor). I do know that talking about abuse does not take the self-harm away. I hate all those cliche's about "once I realise I was not to blame I won't need to self-harm" lets face it, I've developed a habbit that's hard to break even when the feelings of danger have gone.

today I don't have feelings of hate towards my abusers. more pity if anything (or plain bewilderment & confusion). Although I'm not a child abuser I recognise today that traits I hated in my father are traits I hate in myself. He was a very weak man who tried to act tough by drinking in pubs with hard case dick heads & putting his daughter in her place by fucking her. I think the reason he had so much hate & anger towards me was because he could see that I could see his weakness. But I too, have defects not dissimilar - in active self-harming & substance addiction & anorexia. I developed an "attitude" of "don't fuck with me" to disguise my own vulnerability & I was often angry & hateful towards the wrong ppl.

two years ago a friend of mine (abuse survivour) stabbed her step-father because she felt she'd never got justice. I was in the house at the time, & less than 20 hours previously had been repeatedly raped & abused by her brother over a period of 2-3 days. I couldn't report it to the police because I was arrested myself for attempted murder (even though i didn't know she would do that & it was me who called the police & stopped the bastard bleeding to death). I did try to tell them but as far as they were concerned I was a suspect not a victim. By the time I was released without charge I completely feared the police & was convinced they were part of a conspiracy against me. However I DID REPORT the crime and insist on my right to give a statement & my friends brother was arrested, and yes as I suspected the cps did throw it out of court. However it really did help me to report it & to know that my statement would be read to him & he would be questioned about it by a woman DC (who I knew believed me). It did help, even though there wasn't a conviction. Whatever happens to the perpetrators of crimes never really helps the victims (it can only protect future ones) those of us who have had thses things happen to us can only find our own way of doing what is right for us & dealing with it as best we can.

My friend obcessed with feeling let down by the CPS did not deal with it by stabbing her step-father. Her abuse was bought to the attention of the courts, but the press were dismissive of it & made out she was lying. She's now in a high security hospital doing a long prison sentance & will have to prove that she is not mentally ill before she can ever get out of there.

I don't quite know what my main point is. Perhaps it's that if I'm to stand any of a chance at life in recovery from self-harm & addictions (that will otherwise kill or destroy me) I have to find a way of keeping myself in the now and handing my past over to the universe or some higher power outside of myself.

once again I thank you all for your honesty & support.

love

murie

Thank everyone for sharing
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 4 03:23:27 2002 (#4639)

I want every one to know that in my question I spoke of my abusiver behavior. And I see it stirred up a pot of anger and hatred. That wasn't what I was trying to do.

To be more clear about the question... I (oh this is not not easy). I'm in a place of peace about my past, but it is still stirring even so. I was first molested (I believe by my father) while he was changing my diaper. When I remember it I was close to 40 years old. Actually that was way into my recovery from being raped or/and molested by over 150 different people, many which victimed me more than once and one that help me captive for 16 years by telling me no one else would have me. That if I tried to leave I could not take my children with me and that there was no place for me to hide and he would hunt me down and blow my head off. One day after he had sex with my body he call my dog and told him to lick me clean. I was out of the bed before he finished speaking. I don't understand why I didn't do it sooner it seemed easy. But I still didn't leave him. I had convinced myself he loved me the third day I knew him because he had taken me off the street and gave me a bed to sleep in and didn't rape me. He was the first person in months who hadn't. I was afraid of going back on the street. So I let myself stay where I didn't want to be anymore.

I know the fear, hatred, and anger that I read in the responses. I know how few reported rapes or other abusive behavior slides out of the cracks of our judicial system. But reporting abuse isn't about getting even or even seeing justice prevail it is about defending yourself. It is so amazing how much stronger I am since my breakdown which started in 1982 and hasn't quit yet.

I have lots of nightmares and have made peace with the understanding that I will have them as long as I live. I truely believe that, although, none of us can predict the future as to whether we will be a victim of stranger rape, but I do kno that I will never be a passive victim ever again. If I have it in me to murder my children I darn well have it in me to kill someone who tries to rape me again. And the first person who tries to hit me better look out I have a whole heap of rage waiting for that person. The police will be scraping him up for weeks.

I know this doesn't sound like me. But just as you have emotions to deal with on a daily basis so do I. The more I tell my story and the more you TELL your's we are growing stronger.

My defending myself started the night I had a nightmare of my children's father (I have a hard time calling him my ex-husband) beating me with his artificial leg while I sit curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor. All of a sudden in this dream I jumped up off the floor and told him never again would he hit me or hit me while I was down again. And when I woke up I had changed. The power he had over me was gone. I gave him and my kid a choice either change their behavior or I was leaving. The kids chose their father and his lifestyle of alcohol, drugs and violence and he chose his beer and I chose to live without those things. I don't regret leaving. But I'd do it again. It takes something inside us to change and unless we change we stay in the same old rut.

Re: Thank everyone for sharing
Posted by She on Thu Jul 4 19:31:34 2002 (#4654)

Wow your strong Dawn thanx for bring up that post i think It made me think quite a bit about things .
Loads and loads of love and hugz
She

Re: A QUESTION
Posted by Vapor on Sat Jul 6 02:02:53 2002 (#4683)

wow, what a loaded topic. i think in many ways its all too complicated for me to write clearly about right now. when i was eight i had a pet rabbit. he killed it. thats why i guess i never reported told... fear. also i felt my mother would not understand. i didnt want her to look at me with those eyes. the eyes she used to judge other's morality and worth. i didnt want her image of me to be tarnished. i didnt want her to beat me for it... see each reason is intertwined with another. i guess i just never felt as if reporting or telling was even an option. i never thought he deserves to be brought to justice i never theought they are wrong. i thought i am bad. i am horrible. i am worthless. why is it so many people can walk through life without ever knowing what its like to be taken advantage of and others of us seem to never escape it. fuck, im only 18 and ive been raped more times by more men than i can even count any longer. fucking makes no sense.... i think basically, im not strong enough. i cant go out and face the world. instead i repeatedly lead myself into situations where unwanted sexual acts are forced on me. i never see it coming but it looks so clear in the past. so many mistakes, but each time im blind all over again... i dont understand.
Later, Vapor

(((((VAPOR)))))))
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 8 05:59:42 2002 (#4720)

Thank you for sharing a bit of your history with me and the people on the board. It isn't easy to do so even when we are talking to a keyboard with our fingers. It all comes rushing back and if you are like me I relive my stories everytime I tell them, or when I read other's stories.

Keep talking and typing it and God are the two things that got me through. hugs. Dawn

NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 3 17:49:26 2002 (#4624)

Please read this because I need everyone's help.

I am doing some research into the area of self injury, and other associated issues such as eating disorders, abuse, anxiety, different types of SI, anything to do with it really...

I am writing it from a self harmers point of view, not a therapist or anyone else who would only theorise about it...

I would appreciate something along the lines of poems, stories, journal extracts, opinions, information about what it is LIKE to suffer fom Bi-polar, eating disorders that sort of stuff...I can find the hard facts anywhere, but only the thoughts and feelings can come from those who have suffered.

It is a chance to put right the common misconceptions that everyone faces...tell me about what type of stereotypes or negative opinions need changing...I would appreciate ANYTHING!!!!

You can stay annonomous or not it is up to you...You will get full recognition and the end of it...what that is yet I don't know...maybe a leaflet or information pack for other self harmers, I don't really know just yet...

I would really like a little something from everyone on the board...lots f different opinions to show that SI isn't just a black and white issue...but I don't want anyone to feel pressured.

You can email it to me or post it on the board, it would be easier if it was emailed purely because if you decided you didn't want me to use anything of yours then it would be easier to remove it from the report...

Thanx for all your help, email me if you want to know more about it and I will give you constant updates...

Cheers, Nicke.XXX

Re: NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 3 18:18:33 2002 (#4628)

that sounds really awsome Nicke, its great that you are doing that, there really needs to be more books from the self injurers point of view.

I would like to e-mail you something or other, but at the moment Im kind of lost for words on all those issues, but tell me when you are making a deadline or whatever and I would like to e-mail you.
:)

love
KAT

Re: NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 3 20:37:48 2002 (#4633)

Hey that's really great, Nicke...I've always wanted to write a book of some sort from the SIers point of view. I REALLY REALLY want to help in any way possible...PLEASE email me and let me know what you need...I truly mean that. I'd love to help out but I don't even know where to begin to email you stuff.

Re: NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 11:22:10 2002 (#4640)

Hi Nicke
Thats great, I'll email you something later. Good luck!
Love Ella x

Re: NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by She on Thu Jul 4 19:39:53 2002 (#4657)

Hiya
Cool that sounds intresting.
Loads of love
She
Ps if you would like n e input from me my address is
The_sweet_addi ction@hotmail.com

Re: NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 8 19:57:15 2002 (#4729)

hey nicke.
i have some poems and stuff if you're interested. I've also got an eating disorder. You know when you posted that you would like to get to know me better? well i don't know if you meant it or not but I tried to email you. It got sent back, i dunno why. Maybe you could try and mail me sometime? if you want to that is. Anyway, just wanted you to know i think it's a great idea and i'll help out of you want.
love always, el x

Re: NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 9 02:53:13 2002 (#4734)

guess i'll help too

Re: NEED EVERYONES HELP
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Jul 11 04:25:31 2002 (#4804)

hey nicke, i think that's a good idea. you can use my stuff but you have to look it up because i haven't been on for a couple of months. well good luck and i hope it comes out good. well yur welcome. my email is at the top. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Darvacet?
Posted by Sam on Wed Jul 3 20:24:35 2002 (#4629)

Hey -

My friend said she stole some Darvacet from her grandpa's pain killers. She says they're kind of like Vikatin but not as addictive. Anybody have any idea?

By the way, you can spare yourself trying to tell me not to OD, cuz I'm not THAT depressed (right now), I just need something.

Sam

Re: Darvacet?
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 4 18:01:23 2002 (#4650)

Can't help you there, I live in England, so am unfamiliar with the names of them.

If you are intending on harming yourself with painkillers, then I will not preach to you, but just remember that it is quite easy to cause damage that you may be unaware of. Just stay safe and tell someone if things get out of hand...

And, if I can help in any way then please email me...Nicke.

EVERY1 PLEASE READ
Posted by diana on Wed Jul 3 20:48:40 2002 (#4635)

hey.. i know that we are all on different time frames because of where we live... but today (wednesday) at 5:00pm, on channel WB17, there will b a re-run of 7th heaven where their friend is a cutter. i just wanted to let every1 know this so that they can watch it.-diana

Re: EVERY1 PLEASE READ
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 3 22:29:14 2002 (#4637)

thanks for tellin us, I hsv the WB here but its not on 17.
but I will want to watch that ..actually ah I think 7th heaven has already aired today on the re-runs
crap
:(
KAT

ps. tell me how the story line goes, I wanna know how cutting is represented on tv.

Re: EVERY1 PLEASE READ
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 11:28:06 2002 (#4644)

Hi
Havnt got that channel, is it american or something? Oh well, what happened?
Love Ella x

Re.
Posted by diana on Fri Jul 5 05:30:26 2002 (#4670)

yeah, its american. um basically the main character(lucy)'s friend is kinda different then every1 else but no1 knew that she was a cutter. then lucy's sister walked in on lucy's friend in her bathroom cutting herself n she told lucy's sister not to tell ne1 but of course she did. then lucy couldn't believe that her friend could do that to herself. finally her friend got sent to S.A.F.E. in chicago...n thats basically the end of that.

Re: Re.
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jul 8 00:00:36 2002 (#4714)

hey, i watched that! it was...interesting...i dunno that show pisses me off theyre all way too dramatic...but it got the point across pretty well

little little girl (may trigger some, i dont know)
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 11:31:50 2002 (#4645)

Sometimes I feel like the depression is bigger then me. I feel like its trying to get out. squirming in me, getting bigger everyday. I feel like a small scared little girl, with a monsterous beast in me, clawing and hissing. I sit curled on my bed, right in the corner, and the room looks so large compared to me. I feel so small...
Sometimes I want to cut myself right open and get it out.
I think I need help. This cant be right.
Love Ella x

Re: little little girl (may trigger some, i dont k
Posted by jill on Thu Jul 4 12:13:21 2002 (#4646)

i feel that way too...

Re: little little girl (may trigger some, i dont k
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 13:23:28 2002 (#4647)

good to know I'm not alone, but saddened that anyone feels as bad as me.
Love Ella x

Re: little little girl (may trigger some, i dont k
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 4 17:58:20 2002 (#4649)

It isn't right, but doesn't make it strnge, or uncommon. You are not alone...I know that has little meaning after the hundredth time of being told it but it is true.

I am aware that your situation is different because of your parents but believe me you have to be strong...every day that you survive you make it smaller...laugh in the face of it and show it that it will not beat you...I for one will not let it!!

Mail me hunny, if I can help.

Nicke

Re: little little girl (may trigger some, i dont k
Posted by She on Thu Jul 4 19:32:30 2002 (#4655)

God i know how you feel ella .
Loads and loads and loads of love
She

too close (poem)
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 4 14:29:55 2002 (#4648)

The cloud presses in
Till I can hardly breathe
But no one's helping me
There's no one to relieve
Blood flows so fast
It will never cease
But no one's helping me
So still I find no peace
There's light after dark
That's what they all say
Want to ask God for help
But heavans too far away
As for my family
They don't even know
My friends keep telling me
Not to let my feelings show
I am close to the edge
I just can't cope
I'll come crashing down
When I run out of hope
So please stop pushing
Or else I will fall
I'm not asking for help
Just that you heed my call

Re: too close (poem)
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 4 18:03:27 2002 (#4651)

You are so good with your words, they say many things, and writing them can be a healing process.

If I could, I would really like to use them for this project I have...and any of your others that you are willing to let me use...

Nicke.

Re: too close (poem)
Posted by She on Thu Jul 4 19:37:20 2002 (#4656)

Hiya ella
Wow you poem once again amazes me i dunno if your intrested in sending the into the psyke poem bord if you are the address is wulff@ratosk.net.
Loads and loads of love and HUGZZZZZZZ
She

Leave you EMAIL if U R INTERESTED!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 4 18:13:10 2002 (#4652)

For all those who have expressed interest...and those who want to be included...

I will send you an email in more detail of what I would like...a generalised one at first them more personal after I have feedback.

If you would like to have a voice or want to know more about it then just leave a reply to the thread...you don't even have to leave a message, just make sure your email is included...

Thanx for all your keen interest...Nicke

FORGOT TO SAY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 4 19:52:39 2002 (#4658)

I was talking about my research, more info under the thread labelled NEED EVERYONE'S HELP.

Thanx.

Nicke

Re: FORGOT TO SAY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 5 00:35:09 2002 (#4666)

hey Nicke sweetie
Id like to have more info but I dont feel that comfortable leaving me e-mail on the board (bad past expereinces) but I m pretty sure you have my address, if not I will e-mail you.
thanks
:)
*Hugs*
love you
KAT

Re: FORGOT TO SAY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT
Posted by Sam on Fri Jul 5 01:41:10 2002 (#4667)

Hey -

I think your idea's pretty cool. Fell free to e-mail me, dookie1113@aol.com. Best of luck!

Sam

Re: FORGOT TO SAY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT
Posted by Me on Fri Jul 5 04:45:24 2002 (#4668)

Nice idea... A_cold_tragedy@msn.com< /a>

Re: FORGOT TO SAY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 5 17:20:58 2002 (#4676)

I am very, very interested!! And btw the above "me" is not "*me*" - does that make sense?? lol. Sorry to Me but I've had this name for over a year..welcome to the board though, can you post under another name?

Re: Leave you EMAIL if U R INTERESTED!!!!
Posted by mego on Sat Jul 6 04:58:13 2002 (#4686)

hey, i used to be here all the time, i don't remember if you were coming here when i was here all the time, sorry, there were just so many new people and i don't really remember things too well anyway. if you go to search and search for messages poseted by me (mego) you can use any of them, if you think they'll be usefull. please, just don't put my name in there, i can't have things goin around about me. thanks and good luck with this whole report.

Re: Leave you EMAIL if U R INTERESTED!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 8 20:00:05 2002 (#4730)

hey sweetie.
i think pretty much everyone knows my address by now but just in case:
eleanor_magik@hotmai l.com

x x x

Re: Leave you EMAIL if U R INTERESTED!!!!
Posted by jill on Tue Jul 9 12:03:35 2002 (#4739)

XfallenfateX@aol.com

About Rhonda
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 4 19:28:06 2002 (#4653)

I forgot to add in the particulars. Her grandma died Tuesday morning (that would be Wed for those in England) and the funeral will be on Saturday (Sunday=England).
It would be nice if all of you would be praying that God will comfort the family. Her grandpa is taking it hard, and so is Ronda. And hopefully you can pray especially on Saturday in the states (or whatever time zone you are in compared to Central Standard time in the midwest.

If anyone would like, or is able, to send her an e-card that would be nice. As I said before she isn't planning on posting on the board for a while but she may from time to time read the posts, just not comment.

Rhonda has a gift for comforting others so here is our chance to comfort her in her dark days. God bless you all.

Re: About Rhonda
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 5 00:33:13 2002 (#4665)

That sounds like a good Idea, god I remember how hard it was to lose a family member, it rips out a piece of you, but that piece will grow back.
I feel so bad, I tried to find a card to send to her but couldnt find one that was suitable, I guess Ill keep tring
thanks Dawn
*hugs to Rhonda*

KAT

Re: About Rhonda
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Fri Jul 5 08:19:30 2002 (#4672)

just make a card Kat

Re: About Rhonda
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 5 17:39:46 2002 (#4678)

thats a good idea,where canI do that?

Re: About Rhonda
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Fri Jul 5 19:11:07 2002 (#4679)

Ah...at home. It's not that hard. I guess if you really had to you could go to some store some were...but i don't know were you live so i don't know what would be around you. I just make my own cards from scratch most of the time...

Re: About Rhonda
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 5 23:25:16 2002 (#4681)

lol oh okay, I thought you meant on the computer somwhere, like some website.
I always make cards for everything, hah.
thanks again
KAT

Re: About Rhonda
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jul 7 04:28:14 2002 (#4701)

Well you can always make e-cards on-line to. BlueMountian.com is an awsome place to make a card!!

hey remember me?
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 4 21:42:42 2002 (#4659)

hey guys sorry ive been gone for a while i missed you all, my son is doing well now, i had surgury two weeks ago, they found that my bladder was bleeding and are going to have to fix it, but i got to wait a couple months, had to give up mt dew and beer ughhhhhh. anyways i hope everyone is well, i know as espected the drs told me i could bleed to death is i dont watch what i eat and drink, so this cool i may finally get my wish, well as for cutting i havent done it in two months, ive been to worried about my son and me. i really am sorry for not posting and feel free to e-mail me or anything becuz i will help you all or just be there as a friend who understand, take care everyone xxxErryn

Re: hey remember me?
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 5 00:31:32 2002 (#4664)

hello Erryn.

I hope everything is okay now, no matter what God hands you you've just got to take it from there I guess.
take care
*hugs*
KAT

Re: hey remember me?
Posted by She on Fri Jul 5 16:21:27 2002 (#4675)

HIya Erren
Wow i haven seen your name here for a while .
(((((((((Huggles huggles and more huggles))))))))
Im so sorry about your son my thourghts are with you allways.
Loads and loads of love
She

*me*
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 4 21:44:17 2002 (#4660)

hey i seen you were from ohio! where at? cuz im from there to, actually a town called Wapakoneta.
take care xxxErryn

Re: *me*
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 5 17:30:40 2002 (#4677)

Hey! Welcome back to the board. :-) Ummm I've never heard of Wapakoneta, where is that at? I live near the Cleveland area, but I don't like to get really specific because I am a bit paranoid. But it would be cool if we lived close to each other!

Re: *me*
Posted by Erryn on Fri Jul 5 20:26:28 2002 (#4680)

have you ever heard of Lima? its about twenty miles south of there on i-75. its really small, but nice. its still about 4 hrs away from cleveland. actually my son goes to the dr at The cleveland clinic, its a great place, well talk to you later take care xxxErryn

Re: *me*
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 9 16:11:39 2002 (#4756)

Hey, yeah, I've heard of Lima! It's cool to know that someone's so close. Who woulda thunk, right?

Rhonda
Posted by Erryn on Thu Jul 4 21:45:26 2002 (#4661)

im so sorry about your grandmother, stay strong and im praying for you. take care xxxErryn

Re: Rhonda
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Fri Jul 5 07:51:14 2002 (#4671)

I know what your feeling Rhonda...i lived with my grandmother and grandfather. My grandpa died of parkensins desiese, and my grandmother died of a sudden lung cancer. Both were dramatic on me...seems so long ago...yet it feels like yesterday. DOn't loose hope...I believe in you.

A poem in progress
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Fri Jul 5 08:41:27 2002 (#4673)

Something just isn't right
Something has gone wrong
Astray with fright
Numb with pain

Something so precious and cute
SOmething so sweet yet agile
A thorn but yet a rose
A blessing in descise?
Or a trap waiting to unfold?

hopelessly behind
Posted by Vapor on Sat Jul 6 01:40:06 2002 (#4682)

sorry ive been gone the past week. im hopelessly behind in reading posts now. no way to get caught up... tell me if ive missed anything important....
Later, Vapor

Re: hopelessly behind
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 6 02:21:51 2002 (#4684)

Hey welcome back, Rhonda's grandmother has died, and I suppose the world of udder shit and confusion is still present.
take care
KAT

Re: hopelessly behind
Posted by Jade on Sat Jul 6 07:13:38 2002 (#4688)

Ditto.
I came in and it said "Welcome back! Since your last visit began, 214 new messages have been posted." It gets overwhelming. Hello to everyone by the way, hope you're all doing alright, Jade

Re: hopelessly behind
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 6 13:54:03 2002 (#4692)

Hi Vapor,
Update:
World is still shit
My life is still shit
I still feel like shit
So believe me, theres not much to catch up on as far as Im concerned, welcome back!
Love Ella x