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Threads 826 to 850

What can I say??
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 17:56:50 2002 (#3798)

Shit.
I've just been getting ready to go out to this family party thing and I was getting changed in my bedroom when my little sister walked in. I didn't notice at first so I just carried on but then I looked up and saw her. She was staring at my arms.
My arms are pretty messed up with loads of scars on them. She just looked me in the eye and said "why have you got all those cuts on your arms eleanor?"
SHIT! She's only nine years old for christs sake. What am I supposed to say to that??
I told her I'd got them play fighting with the dog but she looked at me like i was nuts. I know she didn't believe me.
Jesus. I'm sorry, I just can't handle this. Other people yeah, but my little sister. Shes my baby. I virtually brought her up these past few years while my mothers been fucking hers and everybody elses life up.
Fuck.

Re: What can I say??
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 7 18:41:04 2002 (#3801)

yeah...when the younger siblings learn of what's going on ,it is really painful, because you don't want to bring them into it, or the lifestyle is carries.

My younger brother, he's 10, well when I was going into the hospital he was jealous he wasn't getting any attention so he said well maybe I'll just go cut myself so I can get some attention..wow...that made me cry for a long time.
Nver whtI expected

They just dont understand, but they for some reason still care..you know.
my brothers are my best friends and no matter where ive been or what ive gotten on my body, they still care..unlike my parents who pretend ..

well..take care Eleanor

KAT

Re: What can I say??
Posted by mego on Fri Jun 7 20:43:57 2002 (#3808)

that sucks. but know that she loves you, and maybe you can get her to believe you. if shes only 9... i don't know... kids can believe things if they're told them long enough. i know she can't think you're crazy, like you said, you've brought her up the past few years. good luck, write to me any time you need to talk.

Re: What can I say??
Posted by chelle on Fri Jun 7 22:56:06 2002 (#3814)

man..I have abrother, he's older than me by a year but we are so close since my parents are shit heads to the max, he takes care of me in many ways....and when he saw my cuts and scars.....dam, I didnt know what to say, well he's not stupid so he knew it was SI but still.....he was like.."why...?" hey...i didnt know what to say.... but you know whats funny, you wish you can tell someone everything and hope they would understand and shit like that, but I could neve tell my brother the truth....maybe I just care about him too much....I dunno.
hey....Im here if you need anything.
really.
loveS*
chelle

Re: What can I say??
Posted by She on Sat Jun 8 00:06:36 2002 (#3816)

Ohh
Uhh ohh that must have been pritty scary for her :(.Well i found i could deal with shit a hell of alot better when i was younger things seamed more exepting and i had a pritty cool talent to forget and forgive things about 3 seconds after their said.
But i guess its still worrieng for her Give her a huge hug . And give her one from me to ((((((((((((((hug for els sister))))))))))))
I love you hunny and it wasnt your fault that happend.
Love hugz and a pritty rose
She

Re: What can I say??
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 8 01:39:28 2002 (#3819)

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry, I guess that you're going to have to explain it eventually, and make sure that she knows that it's not a way to deal with things, that she doesn't follow your example and what not. But that needs to happen when you KNOW that she will understand, for now I think that She is right, 9 year olds are very excepting and she probably won't dwell on it to long as long as you don't make it out to be a big deal. Trust your intuition more then anything. Be very nonchalant about it and just make it seem very uninteresting, come up with some new drama for her to think about. She'll figure it out eventually, but maybe you can postpone it until you're both ready to deal with it. Loads of love and good luck. ~Jade
(((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))) ))))))))))))

Re: What can I say??
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jun 8 13:16:56 2002 (#3833)

Thanks guys. I just freaked out a little, I guess I never expected to have to explain that to rhiannon - stupid I know.
Anyway thanks again
El x

Re: What can I say??
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jun 8 13:59:06 2002 (#3838)

That's so tough. Kids are smarter than adults and she'll know...she might not understand, but she will know somehtings wrong. I freaked my friends little brother out once when I went to a party and cut. He was almost in tears and he didn't even see anything...he just sorta knew. And he was about nine. My younger sister knows and shes been good about it, but she's 16. My little brothers...well I'd never tell them. They wouldn't understand. My advice? Kepp lying about it until she's old enough to understand. If you think of a good enough lie, she'll believe it because facing the truth is really hard sometimes.

sorry guys
Posted by mego on Fri Jun 7 20:52:31 2002 (#3809)

sorry about that. fucking panic attack or something. i didn't cut. i took a couple diet pills, drank a couple beers, and took a bunch of cold medicine, so i felt a little better after that. i'm kinda scared right now. i need to be on something to really feel good. i'm only 15, i started drinking and smoking weed once in a while when i was what... 13?? so where am i gonna be when i'm 17?? shit. oh well, i guess i just gotta see where this all takes me. i didn't fall asleep last night. i stayed up and lied in bed, listening to music, trying to sleep, around 3:30 i cleaned my room cause i figured i might as well do something... this morning was pretty cool though. i brought my blanket out on my deck and sat in a chair and watched the sun rise while i listened to "the way" by led zeppelin. today i slept for a couple hours in the sun. right now i could go for a bowl cruise with tim or chris and paul. maybe i'll call them up, see if they wanna go. thanks for responding to that shit. sorry, again, i just have little attacks like that, i don't know where the hell they come from. lots of love to all of you, if anyone ever needs to talk, just write to me. i luv you guys.

Re: sorry guys
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 7 21:45:06 2002 (#3812)

wierd..you now..I started smoking , drinking, going out all at the age of 12 and 13 too.
By the time I was 15 I was so fucked up, this is the age I began to SI. the first Time I SI'd I was drunk and very high and on pills. That shit made me so depressed ,although I thought at the time it was making me feel better.
ah..well I was forced to go to these drug meetings and they actually werent that bad, made me realize what all that shit can lead to.

I'm 17 now..look where I am, have no friends, no job, have to catch up this summer just to be a senior in high school..my bodys fucked up, I hope you don't end up like me Megan.
(sorry if I spelled your name wrong)

take care and no need to apologize for that..
I freak out all the time, and just type all sorts of shit here, but the cool thing is you guys respond and make me feel better even if whatI said was non sence.
love ya
KAT

Re: sorry guys
Posted by She on Sat Jun 8 00:14:10 2002 (#3817)

Hiya hunny
Ohhh i like weed its pritty harmless .
I started weed when i was about 11 12 ish the 14 came Lsd just befor my 15 birthday then i stoped everything till i was 16 when I shot heroin ..
I wouldnt worry to much about weed but your really pushing things if you go n e further.You sound to clever to end up like me
im here if you every need to talk
((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUG))))))))))))))))))
She

Re: sorry guys
Posted by mego on Sat Jun 8 02:00:41 2002 (#3822)

thanks... i wouldn't be worried if it was just weed every few days. just taking pills that people hand to me, not knowing what they are, needing to be on something ALL the time unless i wanna freak out like i did last night. i've been drinking almost every night lately, i need it to wind down. its shit like that that scares me. its too much like my mom. then there was this one shit with a party on saturday, i was takin some pills and smokin some snowcapped weed and drinking, and i think a guy put some shit in my drink, he was all over me and i was telling him no all night, he kept trying to talk me into having sex with him. we didn't, and theres some other shit with that, but i dont wanna bring it up cause its over now. just things are getting too outta hand. like, it was fine smoking or drinking a couple times a week, but i dont like how lately i've had to do something every day to feel good. i dont know... i just dont wanna turn out like my mom

Re: sorry guys
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 8 01:52:43 2002 (#3821)

It's good to get things like that out. By all means, rant and rave all you like...
Take care~Jade

Re: sorry guys
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jun 8 13:13:18 2002 (#3832)

By the time i was 11 I was smoking and drinking every night. The reason I cut down was coz I didn't want to end up like my mum, but i've screwed things up anyway. I am 17. I have nobody who cares for me, I'm gonna be scarred for the rest of my life and I'm probably gonna be dead by the time i'm 25 from lung cancer.
Just look after yourself girl, i luv ya.
El x

Re: sorry guys
Posted by mego on Sun Jun 9 04:50:00 2002 (#3853)

you sound like ben does when he yells at me. but don't say that, you'll be alright, you're already better than you were when you were 11, right?? you'll be okay.

Re: sorry guys
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Jun 9 13:44:57 2002 (#3869)

I hope so :-)

Maybe someone will read
Posted by Death on Fri Jun 7 23:55:00 2002 (#3815)

hi,

I think i need help but no one will give it to me........ i would like to see a therapist but hey guess wat i cant, and all you do is tell me how shit they are when i dont even get a chance... i see thinks like things that dont happen, it scares me but nobody cares... ok so fuck life and all the people in it..because yep you geussed it no one cares

Death

Re: Maybe someone will read
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 8 00:31:54 2002 (#3818)

I'm just wondering? Why can you not see a therapist?
yeah they do help, but all they really do is let you talk about what's hurting you and get it all out so you might feel okay.
you don't need a therapist to do that, write it out, or talk to someone who you trust, or talk to yourself! I've done that..it doesn't solve everything but neiter will a therapist.
Yeah they are good , I mean that's what they are trained to do is help people in distress, but We can sure try and help in any way that we can..and you should know that by now!
we care for you here..
this board is like a bunch of mothers, we call care for each other and give advice when possible.
take care
love
KAT

Re: Maybe someone will read
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 8 01:50:04 2002 (#3820)

hey, why can't you see a therapist if you want to? Lots of people don't like their therapists because they are being forced to go to them, if someone isn't going to open up to them, then there is no point in going, but if you want to then that's you thing. It's just not for some people. Plus it takes some people a while to find the person who is right for them.
Obviously some people care because they reply to your posts and tell you that they do, I'm sure that you must have some people around you who care about you. Email me if you need to talk, or post a message, plenty of people are willing to listen. Take care of yourself ~Jade

Re: Maybe someone will read
Posted by mego on Sat Jun 8 02:06:45 2002 (#3823)

stay here and post. we care. i dont know if anyone else does, but hey, thats life i guess. e-mail me if you need to talk.

Re: Maybe someone will read
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Jun 8 03:01:41 2002 (#3826)

...(((HUGS DEATH))) *thats all I can think of to do*

Re: Maybe someone will read
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jun 8 13:23:56 2002 (#3835)

Therapists do help some people, you just have to be comfortable with them. I know this question has been asked loads but why can't you see one??
I care, we all care on here. Come back and post and we'll do all we can to help.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
El x

Re: Maybe someone will read
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jun 8 14:02:54 2002 (#3839)

All I did was told my doctor I cut, I'm depressed and I have suicdal thoughts and she refered me to a psychiatric nurse...kinda like a councellor. I was all excited...believing it'd be this enlightening experience, but I was wrong. It was boring and pointless. If I stayed, maybe I suppose they might have helped, but I didn't like talking to a complete stranger who stared at me and asked dumb questions. I think you should go, because I know therapists help some people. Not me, but some. Plus it helps to have that experience.

Kayleigh

i dun k now
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Jun 8 03:12:14 2002 (#3827)

does anyone else have a pain in there gut,
that never goes away...or lasts for a long time
and seems to just be so strong
your mind wants to break away?

Re: i dun k now
Posted by mego on Sat Jun 8 04:25:22 2002 (#3829)

of course...

Re: i dun k now
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jun 8 13:24:33 2002 (#3836)

yep

Re: i dun k now
Posted by laura on Sat Jun 8 23:06:52 2002 (#3851)

uhuh!

Re: i dun k now
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:51:44 2002 (#3905)

Yeah hunny, its like you are really hungry but eating does't help...or you feel like there is a big void there that nothing will fill it...

I know that feeling well.

IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by Jules on Sat Jun 8 11:39:42 2002 (#3830)

hi
is life really worth all this. i mean, with me, no one knows what im thinking, whether im ok, or let alone ask how i really am. i think the only reason why i am here is so that one day they will know how i am feeling. if i was to die, they wouldve not been sure as to why. so is the reason why i live, just so that one day they will know, but when they know, will i die.

Re: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by chelle on Sat Jun 8 12:35:08 2002 (#3831)

hey.
i dont wanna live...life is shitty,
but...worth it or not? i dont know....
its too hard to me to answer but u know....
I woudnt mind dying 2morrow. I would really dont care.
if u need someone to talk to, please talkto me.
Ill help you, Ill talk to you, Ill be your friend.
take care*
chelle

Re: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jun 8 13:27:23 2002 (#3837)

The answer to that is different depending on who you ask. I guess the day we say no is the day we die.
If you wanna talk i'm here.
El x

Re: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jun 8 14:07:04 2002 (#3840)

I believe life is worth it. I'm a not an optimist, but I life for the days that I can smile at. Even if I only have one in the rest of my life, I'd still kinda like to see it. I'll only kill myself if something big happens which could ruin my life. I use it as a securtiy blanket. I'm not afraid I'll screw up my life anymore, because I know I can always kill myself. But so far, lifes been worth it. And oviously yours has or you wouldn't be here.

Re: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 8 18:53:47 2002 (#3841)

that's kind of a question that only you can ask yourself. I mean you can get other peoples opinions but for everyones it's different because of course we've all experienced very different things.
I always told myself (even though my moms fucked my life up so much)
that if she died would kill myself, but a friend of mine's mom died a few weeks agoand he's still here and still breathing..so it's just a matter of the person themself.

I don't know if living is worth all the hurting sometimes, but for me I want to see what happens next, and I kind of want to prove to a lot of people out there that even though Im fucked up and have mental problems and appear crazy attimes, I can become something they'd never expcet. boy..that'd be a great feeling
take care
love
KAT

Re: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by laura on Sat Jun 8 23:04:38 2002 (#3850)

this is jus how i feel. i have a b/f and i love him, i think and he says he loves me and from my experience i dont think he's lying. Anyways, he's the only reason im here today. If he ever leaves me or cheats on me and we cant 'sort-it-out' then i wont be here. I cant see a life worth living without him!
Sorry, that wont have helped at all but instead of posting it i thought id use it as a reply!

Re: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by mego on Sun Jun 9 04:52:34 2002 (#3854)

they'll know when theyre ready, and it wont be when you die. :)

Re: IS IT REALLY WORTH IT
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:50:07 2002 (#3904)

Whatever your reason is to keep living, hold in to it...no matter how stupid you or anyone else thinks it is.

But when people know how you are feeling, you will not die...instead they will hopefully be able to help you work through you difficult times and feelings....

Nicke.

why
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 8 19:58:43 2002 (#3842)

why is it that the people I hate the most
the people who mean absolute shit to me
make me want to hurt myself in the worst way.

How dare I cry over someone who I wish were dead.
how is this possible?
this person makes me want to vomit when I even get a little glimpse of her, her voice makes me want to bleed all over and her words sting me worse then the blade.

KAT

Re: why
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jun 8 20:07:58 2002 (#3843)

Yeah, I know what you mean. It takes a lot to ignore people you hate because maybe it's in your nature to be liked by people. I'm obsessed with people liking me. I go to great lengths for it and it hurts so much if someone doesn't. I can't give you any advice over what to do...because, ignore her, would be stupid advice. So I'm going to say this. This is kinda my motto in life. Whatever problems you have now, you won't even remember in a week. The time limit is unimportant, maybe it'll take years, but one day, you won't even remember it. I don't know why, but that really comforts me. So don't let her get to you. She's insignificant to your future. Then there's always the old stick her picture on a dart board routine. *g*

Re: why
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 8 22:54:29 2002 (#3849)

Thanks Kayleigh, yeah funny you mention that she's insignificant because earlier after I had gotten so upset I had the same idea.
thanks , your post helped a lot.
funny thing is I have done the old picture on the dart board thing, but it wasnt on a dart board.
hehe

KAT

Re: why
Posted by mego on Sun Jun 9 04:53:39 2002 (#3855)

cause they're bitches. i'm the same way. they shouldnt be alive if they makes someone feel like that.

Re: why
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 9 09:47:39 2002 (#3863)

are u alright hunnie?
I know...me too,
I hate crying over a person who fucked up my life,
It feels like I lost to themor something.
i hate it....
im your freind whatever happens...Ill never hurt you in any kind of way.
Ill write you back email ASAP ok?
take-care sweety
LOVE
chelle

Re: why
Posted by She on Sun Jun 9 12:31:31 2002 (#3864)

It dosent make n e sceance i guess but ifeel the same way and no matter how much you hate them and try to fool yourself in to thinking you dont care it dose hurt so much.
Love you
She

Re: why
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Jun 9 13:41:26 2002 (#3868)

I don't know. I'm the same though. I guess it's an acceptance thing, everyone wants to be accepted for themselves and the people who make us feel shit about ourselves or hurt us don't accept us for who we are. That's what hurts me the most I reckon, and that's why they have such an affect on me.
I have a punch bag that I really lay into when people get me down. It's really theraputic to pretend it's a person who hurts you. I also have several snapshots round my room with drwing pins through the eyes. God I sound like such a weirdo don't I?? Well I guess it's better than actually hurting them.
Love you loads hunni,
El x

KAT
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:47:25 2002 (#3903)

Just an idea but maybe you hate her because she acts in ways towards you that your irrational side thinks you deserve. If they say they hate you, act negatively toward you, you think you deserve this.

You don't like it because your rational side(the part you should listen to) tells you that there is no truth in their words...causing a conflict...

Someone tried to explain it to me once when I asked that question...Listen to your rational side hunny...

Nicke

Me
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jun 8 20:14:35 2002 (#3844)

Okay, news update for the girl who deliberatly makes things harder for herself...I'm now forcing myself to throw up anything I eat. Must have got bored with self-harm and added something else to the list. God...why do I do this to myself? Any eating disorder people out there? Kinda like to talk to some.

Kayleigh

Re: Me
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 8 22:05:38 2002 (#3845)

Be careful Kayleigh, bulimia is as addicitve as cigarettes and it's a killer.

I don't have a con-current eating disroder, but everyday I wake up I say I'm not going to eat anything today, and if by chance I do then I yell at myself and say fine no food for you tomorrow.
sound's kinda wierd, but it's what I do.
take care
love
KAT

correction
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 8 22:53:01 2002 (#3847)

sorry I didnt mean it to sound like I never eat, I do and alot.
that's why Im such a fat ass and I blame myself for eating so much

KAT

Re: Me
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jun 8 22:47:55 2002 (#3846)

I don't do anything like that but please be careful honey. I understand that can be real harmful also. I'm always here for you to talk to.
Take care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

Re: Me
Posted by laura on Sat Jun 8 22:54:00 2002 (#3848)

hey, im bulimic too! Aparently its worse than anarexea (i know i cant spell!)! I know this is stupid to say but try and quit before it gets any worse! I do it cuz im fat and i hate myself anyways so i dont really care if it kills me! But just be carefull hun, i mean it! If u wanna talk just email me ok! Cya and take care love LaUrA xxx

Re: Me
Posted by Kayleigh on Sun Jun 9 02:13:12 2002 (#3852)

I have to do this. I hate the way I look. I feel so good every time I lose a pound. Lost five and I only started a couple of days ago. I won't get adicted (famous last words, huh). Thank you all for your concern. And offers for e-mail help. May even take you up on it if things get bad. But right now, I'm happy this way. (She says, whist drinking and cutting her way through life). Oh boy, i'm messed up.

Re: Me
Posted by mego on Sun Jun 9 04:55:04 2002 (#3856)

i dont know if i am. i throw up every once in a while, i'm obsessed with diet pills and dieting (since i was 9), i've gone without eating long enough to pass out. but i don't have any advise on it cause i dont know what the hell any of it is about anyway

Re: Me
Posted by diana on Sun Jun 9 06:04:28 2002 (#3858)

honestly, what everyone says is true...bulimia is addicting. i was bulimic for a year and a half, but then i was forced to get help. i fucked my body up, i fucked up my head, i fucked up everything. and the sadd thing is, i keep going back to my old ways of loosing weight. and once you stop, you will gain all of the weight back plus more. so why bother? since u haven't done it for long, you should think of better ways to lose weight.. running, going to a gym, eating healthy will keep you occupied instead of throwin up shit...think about it-diana

Re: Me
Posted by Jade on Sun Jun 9 08:40:19 2002 (#3861)

I definately have an eating disorder , but more ana then mia, but I know a lot about both, they are a LOT more complicated than SI. If you want to talk about anything, feel free to email me. I hope that whatever you do, you do it as safely as you can. ~Jade

Re: Me
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Jun 9 13:35:50 2002 (#3867)

I have a thing called compulsive eating disorder? I was told I was bulimic before but now they've decided I'm this. I don't know much about it so any information from anyone would be greatfully received.
If you wanna talk about the bulimia thing then I know more about that. It hit me a lot worse than SIing. Email me if you wanna talk.
Take care hun. Love always,
El x

Re: Me
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Jun 9 21:32:54 2002 (#3879)

I am in and out of anorexia like a yoyo... I dont know why I do it to myself...
Ella x

Tablets
Posted by spacebod on Sun Jun 9 05:00:51 2002 (#3857)

Hello everyone

I very nearly took an overdose yesterday and I am feeling awfull from the shock of how it hit me so suddenly. I didnot do it but how do I explain to my friend even though I am unable to think? It was triggered by being unable to get my doctor out to see me when i had a horrendous migraine for thee days and I thought I was going to pass out.

I normally s/harm differently but havent in a while. I am exhausted.How do I communicate?

Re: Tablets
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jun 9 06:04:47 2002 (#3859)

Be carefull...if you get into it to deep, you'll be put into a white room...and not released for some time, or even be able to do hardly anything. NOt to mention the damn thearapist...but if thats what you want...

Re: Tablets
Posted by mego on Sun Jun 9 06:16:18 2002 (#3860)

if i knew, i'd tell you... good luck

Re: Tablets
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Jun 9 13:31:39 2002 (#3866)

I wish I knew the answer to that. Just be careful and don't do anything you might regret.
El x

oh....god
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 9 09:45:36 2002 (#3862)

help help help, I feel like crap
nausiated...I threw up.....I feel dizzy,
crazy...Im totally fucked up in my head.
I make up my ownself....why cant I act like me in front of everyone....why why why????
shit!!!! I hate it!!!!
I HATE IT!!!!!

Re: oh....god
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Jun 9 13:30:10 2002 (#3865)

Calm down girl. Breathe slowly.
Are you ok now?
I'm here if you wanna talk, email me or something.

Re: oh....god
Posted by Jules on Sun Jun 9 14:56:04 2002 (#3871)

hi
email me, let me listen, you have all my support. tell me what you feel.

Re: oh....god
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 9 18:06:30 2002 (#3872)

I hope you're feeling better now

when I get angrey or sad around people I
completely make myself look like some psycho
who can't control whatI see, and I regret it afterwards.

Don't worry to much as to what people might see in you, because you know in yourself what truly makes you a good person and it's not the SI or the sadness those are symptoms to a bigger problem.
take care
love ya
KAT

Re: oh....god
Posted by She on Sun Jun 9 20:30:37 2002 (#3875)

HIya :o)
(((((((HUGE HUGGLE)))))))))))
Remember you dont have to prove n e thing to n e one other then yourself and i think your lovley :o).
(((((((((((((more hugz)))))))))))))
Love
She

Re: oh....god
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 15:07:26 2002 (#4058)

Calm down hunny, we're here to help!

Listen, I am a totally different person around others and it took me along time to work out why.

It is not the same for everybody but for me it was because I was scared of rejection. I thought that if people saw the real me then they would not like it, so I BECAME someone else.

Just think about it, but remember that it is okay, and we are here to help you through.

Nicke

Some hope.......?
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Jun 9 14:16:58 2002 (#3870)

Standing on the edge of my life
Looking down
Staring at the reflection in my tears
Falling down
Do you see the pain in my eyes
As I'm going down
I am stepping over the edge
Don't pull me down

I see the triumph in your eyes as
You watch me fall
You could have saved me but once again
You just let me fall
But you can't see the look in my eyes as
You see me fall
I caught myself in time
You can't beat me now

Re: Some hope.......?
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 9 18:08:15 2002 (#3873)

I liked that a lot!
Everytime I fell the people I thought thatwould
come to my rescure were no where to be seen.

It hurts but I will prove them wrong
:)
LOVE
KAT

Re: Some hope.......?
Posted by She on Sun Jun 9 20:32:23 2002 (#3876)

Wow
You never fail to amaze me with you writting .I totaly feely that.
love you hunny
She

Re: Some hope.......?
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jun 10 03:15:17 2002 (#3887)

Thats awsome. I'm goign to get my poem from school and post it. IT's really good but It could also be a song. If only I could play my Gatuir~

Re: Some hope.......?
Posted by Jade on Mon Jun 10 06:51:43 2002 (#3891)

wow sweetheart, I really liked it. Kepp writing, it's good for you :) ((((HUG)))) Jade

Re: Some hope.......?
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:21:42 2002 (#3897)

I agree with everyone that was a really good piece of writing.

She
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Jun 9 19:47:56 2002 (#3874)

sweetheart are you ok??
I got your email and I'm worried about you. Please let me know baba, I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you.
I love you princess.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)) ))))))))))))))))))))))
El x

Re: She
Posted by She on Sun Jun 9 20:34:52 2002 (#3877)

I think im ok im really scared though.Some stuffs happend well i'll e mail you in a bit .
Love you
She

Re: She
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 10 12:42:29 2002 (#3895)

Oh sweetheart. I just read your email,
((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))) ))))))))))))))))))
You know if you need to get away you can come to me right?
I hope everything goes ok today. I'll speak to you tonight princess.
Love you soooooooooo much,
El x

P.s We could sell cds in our shop too!! Only good music though..........

rock bottom; my new home
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Jun 9 21:31:18 2002 (#3878)

Hello

I'm so close to the edge. So why are they pushing me?

I think they all want me to fall a bit further.
But I've all ready fallen.
And lie broken and bitter on the floor.
I am so close to death. Life is fading. But all I know how to do is to keep on keeping on. So that's what I am doing. The edge is looming closer… But I try to push it away, but those who *love* me, those who *care* push me closer. As I struggle to climb out of this pit of depression they stand on my feet…

But this is not the end. Though it seems that way and death becomes a romantic notion, I know I'll make it.
I always fucking do…
Rock bottom is starting to feel like home. haha, life is great isn't it?
Love Ella

Re: rock bottom; my new home
Posted by Kayleigh on Sun Jun 9 21:37:55 2002 (#3880)

Fuck 'em all. Only person who can help you is you. Don't let them push you down, you're better than them. Stronger because you go through this...get though this and you always will.

Look after yourself.

Kayleigh

Re: rock bottom; my new home
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 00:05:48 2002 (#3884)

Everytime I think I've hit the rock bottom in my life, something happens and always proves me wrong , that I can and will go further down into whatever shit I'm in..and it won't stop there.

I'm sorry you're so low right now, but It seems clear that you know this isn't how life will be end of sentence.
there's things that can help it and make it a whole lot better!

I hope you get to feeling better soon , I really do.

The ones closest to us always seem to be the ones who make our life the living hell that it is.
Maybe because we care so much, and they do too but they don't know how do go about it.

take care
love
KAT

Re: rock bottom; my new home
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jun 10 03:18:03 2002 (#3888)

*Holds out hand, standing at the top of the pit of dispair* "you can only make it out if you want to....but let me help"

Re: rock bottom; my new home
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 10 12:25:44 2002 (#3894)

Look at it this way sweetheart, if rock bottoms your new home then at least your not alone. I'm right there with you.
You know I love you girl and I always will.
Keep fighting, your stronger than this. Fuck them. They don't deserve to know someone as special as you.
Love you always,
El x

Re: rock bottom; my new home
Posted by She on Mon Jun 10 18:05:18 2002 (#3913)

Hiya xxxxx
You are so amazing baba El's right your amazing and your very strong for surviving as long as you have done with them and they dont deserve you and they definatly dont deserve to make you feel like you do so please try not to let them .
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGZZZZ Z))))))))))))))))))
Love and hugzzzzz
She

Re: rock bottom; my new home
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:19:59 2002 (#3896)

Oh Ella...

Just remember the old cliche that was you hit the bottom the only way is up! (i;m sure that is a chessy 80's song)

Seriously though...when you feel like you have fallen as far as you can go then the only thing left is to go up...start climbing again. Just go at your own pace and realise that when you hit the bottom, they are people here to help you as much as you need.

Take care and stay strong girl. Nicke

P.S. email me if you need.

which way? (to slit your wrists)
Posted by melz on Sun Jun 9 21:48:03 2002 (#3881)

I had a debate with my friend about this. If you were to slit your wrists, which way would be better, up and down slicing the vein in the middle, or across cutting the vein completely? I think going across would be better because when you go up and down it is much harder to follow the vein and you might miss it too. going across is much easier. Any thoughts/comments?

Re: which way? (to slit your wrists)
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 9 23:33:53 2002 (#3882)

to me, across is better.
bleeds alot.

Re: which way? (to slit your wrists)
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 00:02:42 2002 (#3883)

actually I'm pretty sure that by going vertical , straight up and down the middle vein is the way thatis most effective.
Sorry I really don't want to give out tips here, I'd feel horrible.

Yet when people do commit suicide no matter which way you go or which one bleeeds more then the other if a person wants to die and goes through with it, most of the time..chances are they are going to suffer those consequences.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL EVERYONE
love ya'll
KAT

Re: which way? (to slit your wrists)
Posted by erica on Mon Jun 10 00:49:00 2002 (#3885)

was told that if you want to slit your wrist you should cut along to vein, not accross it. o.k. hold your hand up, with your fingers pointing up. you would want to cut up and down.
erica

Another Question...
Posted by melz on Mon Jun 10 02:50:31 2002 (#3886)

Sorry for the stupid questions, but how long does it take to bleed to death, if you were sitting in a warm tub full of water?

Re: Another Question...
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 04:01:37 2002 (#3890)

Hey..melissa, you're not planning on doig this are you??

Well dumb question I should ask, if you were going to, you probably wouldn't tell me.
Please ask for help before it's to late.
I know I sound like a goddamn hypocrite, but seriously..

love KAT

Re: which way? (to slit your wrists)
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jun 10 03:25:02 2002 (#3889)

Across is my poison.
Razor is my weapon.
Depression is my reason.
~lone one to stay~

Re: which way? (to slit your wrists)
Posted by Jade on Mon Jun 10 07:05:21 2002 (#3892)

wait a minute, do you mean which way should you be doing it, or which way to kill yourself?
If you are going to be cutting yourself then it should be horizontal and where you have the most flesh, so that you don't hit an artery or vein. It's best to do it on your hip. Well it's best not to but I obviously can't preach that.
If you mean as suicide then you're on your own. Besides, out of every 50 girls that try to kill themselves, less then 5 will die, because girls are more likely to try with pills or cutting themselves and it doesn't work. They end up in psych wards, so it would be best to go straight for the help, even if it's just from a friend. Take care~Jade

I'm Back!!! For those who care
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jun 10 08:08:01 2002 (#3893)

I've been packing and unpacking all weeks, weeks actually, and I am in so much pain. I know this board is about self injury and that's what doing these days, but in a different mode. This time I'm using work to cause myself physical pain.
stubbing toes some close to the breaking point AND ALL ON ACCIDENT but diffently PAINFUL.
Accidents hurt worse than planned procedures because to mind is not closed off to pain where we go and turn off our pain and think things out and plan for the pain. I'm working unpacking from the move I didn't make. Don't know yet if it was a lack faith or a return of it that caused me to learn a very important truth "When God closes a door IT STAYS CLOSED"

I am vey depressed over my inability to keep food down that I am afraid to eat anything. two small spoons of crushed pineapple and I'm filling my trash can. I'm too young to hurt like this. But I will be finished unpacking soon and my outside life be changed. For now I'm going to bed and try to get some relief from the pain in my back and hips.

Re: I'm Back!!! For those who care
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 14:19:34 2002 (#3907)

Good to hear from you!
I'm sorry you're having to go through all this, you'd think after all that you've been through you'd get a break inthis strange world.
take care Dawn
love ya
KAT

Re: I'm Back!!! For those who care
Posted by She on Mon Jun 10 18:10:08 2002 (#3914)

Hello:o)
i havent sean your name here for ages ive really missed you (((((((((((((((HUGLE)))))))))) )))
loads of love and support
She

Re: I'm Back!!! For those who care
Posted by *me* on Tue Jun 11 00:47:17 2002 (#3929)

Dawnie!!!!! I missed you. Keep the faith, Dawn, God loves you and will take care of you. And for now, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND STAY SAFE!! Lots of love!

Re: I'm Back!!! For those who care
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jun 11 01:23:28 2002 (#3931)

Hey girl,
Happy to see you on the board. Does this mean I should send your package to your orginal address?
I'm gonna try to get it mailed off before Friday
as that is when we leave for Colorado. I'll be
here every night till then, so let me know and I'll get it mailed off on Thursday. I'm sorry to
hear you're not doing good. Please know that I'm
still saying prayers for you so don't give up your
faith. I love you my dear friend and would do
anything to take away your pain. I sincerely hope
you get some relief soon. Let me know how you are
doing!!!!! Take care of yourself Dawn. I love you
so much.
Rhonda

Re: I'm Back!!! For those who care
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jun 12 05:00:03 2002 (#3976)

Welcome back:)
Be carefull please...not eating is horrid. It makes you sick and weak.

Vapor???
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:27:11 2002 (#3898)

Has n e body else noticed that Vapor hasn't been here for a while?

I haven't either so maybe I just missed some of her posts.

Just wondering if anyone knew if she was okay...

Nicke

Re: Vapor???
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 14:21:25 2002 (#3908)

yah,I noticed she wasmissing.
that sucks about these boards, when we dont have the persons e-mail we might never know what has happened to them

KAT

Re: Vapor???
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jun 12 05:06:04 2002 (#3977)

vapor...dissapeared into thin air. I wasn't in time.

losing it
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 10 13:27:42 2002 (#3899)

i feel so shit. I can't do this any more. I hurt everywhere, feel like my heads gonna explode. i'm trying to stay positive but it never works, nothing ever turns out right. i need to get away but there's nowhere to go. i need a firend but theres noone there. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
i cant do this anymore i cant i cant

Re: losing it
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:36:46 2002 (#3901)

I'll be your friend if you want...I know that sounds corny but I really do want to help...Nicke...Just remember that you are never alone!

Eleanor
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:43:56 2002 (#3902)

That message kind of sounded like I called you Nicke but I just forgot to hit return after my name...sorry

I think I have an obsession with '...'

LOL!!!

P.S. sorry if I spelt your name wrong!

Re: losing it
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 14:23:28 2002 (#3909)

I know whatyou mean!! so many timesI have completely gave up for months at a time, and would just cry in my own filth, and then I'd get some hope and then I'd fall again, it is SHIT..
*hugs*
I am set on leaving this town as soon as I finish school, maybe you can have a similar goal to help you through this and help you look towards the future.
take care
love ya
KAT

Re: losing it
Posted by She on Mon Jun 10 18:01:17 2002 (#3912)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ((((((((((((((((((((((((Worlds biggest huggle ever know in time )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))
Ohh hunny i lovvvvvveeeeee you things are all rappy at the moment i guess but there gonna get better i promise they will besides we have to be happy befor we go to Alsaka and get our shop right ? i mean we will have to be happy or our penguins are gonna grow up thinging that they should be sad and we cant be having suisidal penguins that just wouldnt be right .Well seeing as things arent to great at the moment i thourght i would get something for our igloo so im gonna get a picture and you get ot decide whats in the picture but it has to be somewhere where you are and your happy .
I LLLLLLOOOVVVVVEEEE YYYYYOOOOOOOUUUU hunnie
(you my best friend sweetie i love you:o) more then the world)
She

Re: losing it
Posted by Jade on Mon Jun 10 22:37:48 2002 (#3926)

Oh sweetie! I don't know if it means anything, but I'll ALWAYS be here for you if you need anything! Just ask. If you have all the people who care about you around you then it's sure to work out. Email me if you need anything, I love you to peices, (((((((HUG))))))) Jade

I don't know if I can do it.
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 10 13:34:39 2002 (#3900)

I feel so frustrated with not actuallt being able to help people.

Everyday that you log into the PSYKE board some body is feeling really shitty and really depressed. I just wish I could reach out and hold everyone and tell them that it is gonna be okay...but I can't.

It really saddens me to know that people are hurting, that causes me the most pain, knowing that the pain I feel is felt by many more around the world, and often the pain is far worse than I feel...

I don't know if I can do it anymore, come to the board I mean...I am feeling alot better today, and have been feeing generally better for the last week or so...I am just going to go with it and see were I end up...

I found out the other day that I have agraphobia well like that anyway...General Anxiety Disorder...that answers a few questions...

What I am saying is that I would really like to help everyone but find it frustrating that I can't...

So if anyone wants to email me they can...I don't know if I will be leaving the board or not but I will let you know if I decide to go...

If you read up to here then 'well done' LOL!!!

Nicke....

Re: I don't know if I can do it.
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 10 14:16:22 2002 (#3906)

You helped me. It makes me feel better to know somebody actually cares. Sorry about the post before by the way. I'm just driving myself crazy at the moment.
Anyway, thanks again and good luck with whatever you decide to do. it's been good having you here.
Love always,
El x

Re: I don't know if I can do it.
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 14:26:11 2002 (#3910)

That same thing has happened to me on the old psyke board a few times and here once Im sure.

I got better for a while, and I kept coming to psyke and I was just getting more depressedso I decided to stop for a while and it REALLY helped. but I knew if I ever felt down I could still always come back, and I would come by occasionally to check up on people.

It might be a really good ideafor you to take a break, I totally understand
take care
you've been a big help, trust me
KAT

Re: I don't know if I can do it.
Posted by Jade on Mon Jun 10 22:21:44 2002 (#3921)

I can completely relate, I tend to want to go to the person and protect them, to want to go and fix them, even if it can't be done. I take a lot of responsponsiblity for people and if I don't have someone to take care of then I don't know what to do, and if someone keeps hurting, if I don't know how to help them then I feel really guilty. I guess that you should try to just offer your support and concern and try, hard as it may be, to except that you are helping and that your friendship often helps alot. If you need to take a break then do, do whatever you need to, to take care of yourself, Jade

Something to think about
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 10 17:51:48 2002 (#3911)

After my little outburst earlier on I decided to try and pull myself together. I was looking through a box of letters and things that are special to me and I've kept over the years and I came across one of my old essays that I wrote for my english lit class in school a couple of months ago before I decided to take time out.
Now the english teacher I wrote it for is amazing. he makes so much sense, he sees the world in the same way that I see it and he expresses himself in a way that I thought nobody else could. He knows about my cutting and he actually understands, how many teachers can be this special and understand about things like that as well? He's a manic depressive himself.

Well this essay was about Mary Shelley's book Frankenstein and the way in which society created a monster which was born pure and untainted, something which I in my own way could relate to.
I'm not going to bore you all to tears by putting on my entire essay, but I want to tell you what my teacher said to me, it will benefit some of you:

"Remember when low that people who can write like this would not be able to were they not fully themselves, i.e had ALL the experiences which make them the person they are and which is expressed in their writing.
I know of no great writer who has not suffered pain and that pain is an integral part of their talent. Small compensation I know, but you are you - everything that is you - and if you can learn to understand, forgive and love the pain, because pain is life - a created by product of love - then you can, with much struggle and effort, learn to use the pain to create beauty and truth - and happiness."

I just thought some of you may apreciate this.
Love always. x

Re: Something to think about
Posted by She on Mon Jun 10 18:14:33 2002 (#3915)

ohhhh
How come you got such a wonderful teacher and friend its not fair:o(.Nah im kidding he sounds amazing and so are you.
Huggle wuggle
She

Re: Something to think about
Posted by Kayleigh on Mon Jun 10 20:08:56 2002 (#3916)

That's beautiful. People like that are few and far between, but when we come across them, their words can inspire us to greatness.

Kayleigh

Re: Something to think about
Posted by Jade on Mon Jun 10 22:31:13 2002 (#3925)

Oh El that's lovely! I'm so glad that you have that, do you still have him as a teacher, I think you said and I'm just slow, if not you should drop in and say 'hi', people like that arfe to be treasured. (((((((((((HUG)))))))))))) Take care, Jade

Re: Something to think about
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 12:08:17 2002 (#4057)

If it is not too much trouble I think that your essay would make good reading, sounds really interesting. Email it to me, like i said if it is not too much trouble.

Nicke

Re: Something to think about
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 20:48:04 2002 (#4135)

ok cool. I'll do that. it'll probably bore you to death though, you've been warned! :-)
El x x x

fallen
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Jun 10 20:41:00 2002 (#3917)

This is going to kill me
Or am I already dead?
There is no world outside
Only this one in my head
Everything here is ugly
We lie broken on the floor
All reaching out for love
Yet we don't trust it anymore
We all stare around us
With haunted darkened eyes
Wondering how we fell
From those sinless skies
Though we all know the answer
The truth is we were shoved
Those who were meant to catch us
By all those that we loved
But we are far to weary now
Our hearts are all too jaded
Any hope that followed us here
By now has all but faded
We all feel somehow dirty
We lie here feeling stained
Souls scream out for heaven
But every one is strained
There is no ladder to climb
Back to where we came
This is just the pit of defeated
We lost lives vital game.

Re: fallen
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 10 21:28:16 2002 (#3919)

x x x x x

Re: fallen
Posted by Jade on Mon Jun 10 22:25:09 2002 (#3922)

what is it about your peotry that gets to me so much? I can't pinpoint it... I loved it, you had better be keeping all of these in a safe place, you'll be famous for them someday. I hope that you're feeling better, I was worrying about you. Take care, Jade

Re: fallen
Posted by She on Mon Jun 10 22:28:45 2002 (#3923)

wow
your writting still amazes me hunny.
im really sorry things are like this for you at the moment but while its hard dont forget you got me:o).
((((((((((((((BIG HUGGLE))))))))))))))
She

Broken Girl
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 11:22:28 2002 (#4053)

That was absolutely BEAUTIFUL, I have a tear in my eye as I write.

Is it possible for me to print that off??? I would really like a copy!!!!

Nicke

a book
Posted by erica on Mon Jun 10 20:43:04 2002 (#3918)

Hi everyone!
I've decided that I want to write a book. The book company PUSH is having another contest in the fall. So I think I am going to enter. Right now I'm gathering information together. I'm going to use my essay I wrote for my psych class as the first chapter. I'll let you all know how it goes. If anyone has any ideas it would be grealy appreciated, as well as personal stories.

thanx,

erica

Re: a book
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 10 21:29:28 2002 (#3920)

That's great!! Good luck hun, i hope it goes well. x

Re: a book
Posted by She on Mon Jun 10 22:29:35 2002 (#3924)

cool
xxxx
She

Re: a book
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 10 23:22:27 2002 (#3927)

that's so awsome, seriously!
that makes me really excited for you!!

I love writing, I want to try and write some sort of a book in the very distant future, maybe I'll be the only one to read it, but wow..what an accomplishment!
good luck
take care
KAT

Re: a book
Posted by *me* on Tue Jun 11 00:51:47 2002 (#3930)

Hey Erica, that's really exciting! I've always imagined writing a book about SI when I get older. If you need anything let me know. I'd be glad to help in any way. WE NEED TO GET THE INFORMATION OUT THERE!! I really believe that. Because SI has such a stigma attached to it, and that's not right at all. But yeah, that's great for you and again, let me know if you need anything.

Re: a book
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jun 11 16:56:15 2002 (#3939)

Hi
Wow! well done, I really want to write a book about SI and the other componants of depression when Im older. You can email me if you want any quotes, stories etc.
Ella x

Re: a book
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 12 16:41:50 2002 (#3982)

I'm with everyone else on this one, what an amazing idea...

I have often wondered about putting the 'real' word about SI and depression out there, change some of the stigmatisation around it all. Never had the guts though...YOU GO GIRL!!

I did some research around the topic and am currently trying to locate copies of books on SI that have been given some good reviews.

If you need anything let me know, I would really like to help.

Nicke.

P.S. What level are you studying Psychology at, cos I am doing it at A level and was considering continueing at Degree level but don't know just yet!!

Re: a book
Posted by erica on Sat Jun 15 02:48:04 2002 (#4067)

I've just taken two courses. an introductory and an abnormal psyke class. Go for it, I'm sure you'll love it.

erica

to this person i know...
Posted by chelle on Mon Jun 10 23:52:21 2002 (#3928)

dont touch me....
dont look at me....
you dont know me...
dont think you do!!
what do you think I am?
dont look at my arms...
how dare you look at them like that!!!
how dare you.......
dont you look at me with those eyes....
you think you know everything? huh!!!
well you dont...you dont have a god dam clue...
noone does....dont act nice.....
I know what your thinking!!!
the eye....your hand...your everything
its making me sick...your makin me sick....
you think Im crazy? I know you fuckin do.....
dont touch me....dont look at me!!!!!!
I HATE YOU

Re: to this person i know...
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jun 11 16:53:54 2002 (#3938)

Hi
I feel like that about SOOOOOOO many people...
Love Ella x

Re: to this person i know...
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 18:13:36 2002 (#3946)

You tell 'em girl!
x x x x

Re: to this person i know...
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 20:26:22 2002 (#3951)

Aw Chelle...that was awsome! seriously, I could of written it myself, it describes whatI feel almost everyday of mylife, you know?
heh
loveya
KAT

Re: to this person i know...
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 12 16:36:02 2002 (#3981)

Wow

Very powerful!!!

help...please
Posted by jennyfer on Tue Jun 11 02:06:56 2002 (#3932)

*sighs* damn well i don't really know what to say...i haven't really been around in a while (not that anyone noticed) and right now at this very moment i'm sitting front of my computer listening to my parents tell me what a worthless fuck up i am i am confused fighting myself wanting to give in needing someone to help me...i can't take no more but who gives a fuck if my life sucks right??...what the fuck r we fighting to get better for?!!? it all just fucks up in the end...there's this place inside my head a place i like to hide...this place inside my brain it's like another kind of pain...but i dunno what if i should die??...here i am different in this normal world...it seems funny to me just how fucked things can be...everytime i get ahead i feel more dead...and it's like ok guys i'm gonna say something that has been killing me inside i just have to let out all my pain and suffering...*sighs* i don't know exactly how to say this but like ok when i was younger my dad raped me...it happened more than once...but i couldn't bring myself to say anything to anyone...i hate him i hate the sight of him...i tried to tell some people and they were all like why r u lying u know he wouldn't do anything like that well he would and he did to me!!! but it was like i was making it up or something...likei dreamt it...nobody wanted to believe that my dad could do something like that...and well it happened again a couple of days ago...i've just been so depressed about it lately...he tortured me with his hands and all i could do was smile with discomfort...it's soo sick and i don't really want to go and talking a bout it but i have to this is something that i just can't keep bottled up inside soo i'm sorry...little child looking so pretty come out and play i'll be your daddy...you raped i feel dirty it hurt as a child that's a good girl...and fucked your own child...i scream no one hears me it hurt i'm not a liar...my god saw you watching...daddy why your own child?!!? i didn't touch you there mom said she didn't care...that's why mom stopped and stared...damn this is fucking sick but i couldn't think of anyone else that i could tell so i'm sorry...mother fucker you fuckin ruined my life i hate you!!! i hate you!!! i swear to god i hate you!!

Re: help...please
Posted by *me* on Tue Jun 11 16:19:49 2002 (#3935)

Hi Jennyfer...I don't think I've talked to you much on this board, but I do remember you. I can't really relate with your post, but you sounded so desperate that I just had to reply. Before I say anything else, I want to congratulate you on taking the HUGE first step by telling us. Ok, and the advice I give might be totally hypocritical, because I can't imagine ever telling anyone a secret like that (hell, I'm full of secrets no one knows about), but here goes. You need to tell someone about what is going on - a "real" person, for lack of a better word. Do you have a teacher or a clergy member or someone outside your family that you trust? A neighbor? An employer? Even a friend or a friend's parents? You said you tried to tell people before (again, that was a huge step and being rubbed off like that must have been awful). You can't give up though. If there's one thing SIers are, it's survivors. We do this as a COPING MECHANISM, which means we want to survive somehow. You're a survivor, too. Don't let those people who didn't believe you get you down. Who did you tell? Was it family? I would imagine that family would have a hard time believing something about another family member. You know, denial. If you tell someone like a doctor or a teacher, they're mandadated reporters and HAVE to get you help. Please Jennyfer, try to tell someone. Call a hotline or something, they can give you better, more professional advice. Do something. I can tell you don't want to live like this anymore. You shouldn't have to, but he's not going to stop. PLEASE, please take the next step and tell someone who can help you. Everyone on this board cares about you and doesn't want to see you get hurt. Print out the post you posted and bring it with you when you tell someone. If you want, you wouldn't even have to speak, just sit there while they read it. I know you can do this. Good luck, take care and stay safe! My prayers and love are with you.

Re: help...please
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 20:29:26 2002 (#3953)

Hi there..

wow...if you only knewhow much I understand that post.
I could have listened to that songover a milliontimes before, seriously.
butIm not sure what to say, because yeah...life does suck. it sucks a lot, andI keep going on, for what reason I dont know?
sorry this wasnt very helpful
justkeep searching for what you are herefor.
you'll find it
take care
KAT

Re: help...please
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 12 01:41:06 2002 (#3973)

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Would you mind if I said a prayer for you tonight?
Anything I can do to help? Take care honey,
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: help...please
Posted by Mitchell on Wed Jun 12 16:23:03 2002 (#3980)

Im rather new to this board...but i read this post i noticed alot of quotes from the band Korn....they are my favorite band and their music has helped me through ALOT of crap....i hope that their music does for you what it has done for me....sorry i didnt have anything important to say but i thought id comment... :-)

Re: help...please
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 13 03:05:23 2002 (#3995)

I was almost raped yesterday by a complete stranger. He pushed me up agianst a wall and almost felt me up till i slipped away and ran over to my school across the street. We were talking onthe bus...then he got off with me and fallowed me all the way to my school. I'm still shaking...no one is around to help...i feel so cold and alone....

Jennyfer
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 11:26:55 2002 (#4054)

Jennyfer, promise me that you will tell somebody about it. Not friends, try your doctor, a social worker, anybody who can do something to help you...somebody in power.

You can't go on like this, you don't have to put up with it!!

Please email me hunny if you need to talk, I mean it.

Nicke

Distance
Posted by Badly Wounded on Tue Jun 11 07:10:48 2002 (#3933)

Hey, I was just wondering where everyone was from. Seems like we could all use a friend, and so I wanted to see if any of us lived close to each other and didn't know it. Oh, well I live in Texas.

Thanx
Tiff

Re: Distance
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jun 11 16:51:41 2002 (#3937)

Hi
I live in Norfolk, UK... Anyone live near me?
Ella x

Re: Distance
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 18:15:38 2002 (#3947)

I live in chesterfield which is in derbyshire in the uk, near sheffield.
El x

Re: Distance
Posted by Jade on Wed Jun 12 22:07:13 2002 (#3987)

Little old me in Oregon

Re: Distance
Posted by jennyfer on Tue Jun 11 19:54:06 2002 (#3950)

uh...i live in el paso tx

Re: Distance
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 20:30:51 2002 (#3954)

I live where you do Tiff
:)
maybe not as distant as we thought..

Take care
KAT

Re: Distance
Posted by She on Tue Jun 11 20:43:44 2002 (#3958)

i live in Britain ( kinda far away)

Re: Distance
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 12 01:37:53 2002 (#3972)

Hi,
I live in Weatherford, OK. That's fairly close
depending where in Texas you live. Take care of
yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: Distance
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 13 03:13:40 2002 (#3996)

*sighs* little me...all alone as always and forever.....I live in Minnesota

Lone Wolf
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 17:49:58 2002 (#4008)

((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))) ))))))))))))))
You're not alone bless ya, i may live miles away but if you need a friend you can mail me any time.
it sucks about what happened to you the other day. That's happened to me before too. It's kinda scary.
take care of yourself hun,
Love always,
El x

Re: Distance
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:54:53 2002 (#4032)

From a little town near LIVERPOOL in sunny england (yeah right, not much sun here mate!!)

Nice to meet you hunny.

Email me anytime, I mean it.

Nicke.

NEW
Posted by Gia Zhana Via on Tue Jun 11 15:39:09 2002 (#3934)

Hi,

im niki,ive been self harming for about 3 years,i also suffere with OCD,PTSD, social phobia, depresion i tend to cut very badly to the bone. i havent cut for 2 months now and feel like i need sum support continuing this, i also go to www.myfriend-myenemy. com, but it doesnt have the same atmosphere as it used to.
hope sum one replyes to me,

love niki / gia zhana via

Re: NEW
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jun 11 16:50:43 2002 (#3936)

Hi
Welcome to this board! I'm fourteen (one of the youngest here, so dont think its a site full of twelve year olds!) I have self harmed for two years, I suffer from numerous anxiety and personality disorders, as well as depression.
Love Ella x

Re: NEW
Posted by Jade on Tue Jun 11 18:02:49 2002 (#3942)

hey niki,
I hope you like it here, where'd you get your othere name? I like it. I went to your site, it's always nice to see people offering REAL info about SI. Take care and feel free to post anytime about anything. Jade

Re: NEW
Posted by She on Tue Jun 11 18:05:19 2002 (#3943)

hiya
welcome hope you like it loads here
love she

Re: NEW
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 18:19:25 2002 (#3948)

hey sweetie. I'm eleanor (obviously!) and i'm 17. Have been cutting for just over 2 years and have various disorders including an eating disorder.
Anyways, hope you stay round here for a while. People are really nice and we'll do anything we can to help.
If you wanna chat then please email me.
Loadsa love, el x

Re: NEW
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 20:32:43 2002 (#3955)

hey Niki,not sure if we can provide exactly what you're looking for, but be sure that if you ever need help or support we can give it to you.
welcome here
KAT

Re: NEW
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 12 01:36:52 2002 (#3971)

Hi,
you're very welcome here!! I hope that you can find the support you're looking for. This is one
of the best places to come cause everyone will
know what you're going through. Please come back
often whenever you feel like it. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: NEW
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:43:32 2002 (#4029)

Hey there, I am really glad that you found us and I hope that you feel that you can come to us whenever you need.

I have a feeling that you will fit right in.

Nicke.X

a bit of perspective
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jun 11 17:00:11 2002 (#3940)

Hi
For the first time in what seems like an eternity I woke up this morning and I wasnt scared I was gonna live.
Admittedly, I left school at luchtime and came home to drink a couple of glasses of wine to get me through the afternoon... But I dont know, I feel a little bit more in control.
Im still not commited to living but Im gonna try.
Ella x

Re: a bit of perspective
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jun 11 17:01:58 2002 (#3941)

Ok, just in case any of you think that alls well over here, its not. Another day, and another court case. Another f*cking welfare officer. But what I meant was; that I feel that I will survive for the first in a long while.
Love youy all,
Ella x

Re: a bit of perspective
Posted by Jade on Tue Jun 11 18:06:42 2002 (#3944)

try to remember that it's more your outlook then your situation (with obvious exceptions!) I'm glad that you're doing alright for today at least, here's hoping it may last! Take care, Jade

Re: a bit of perspective
Posted by She on Tue Jun 11 18:07:39 2002 (#3945)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((hugs an hope)))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))
love you loads
She

Re: a bit of perspective
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 18:22:21 2002 (#3949)

You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that!! I'm sending you all the love in the world to help you get through many more days.
You know I'm always here for you baba.
Love always and forever,
El x

Re: a bit of perspective
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 20:34:27 2002 (#3956)

I hope you continue to get better, just wait to the day when you can think back to now andbe glad that you made this giant step towards living.
Thats great...really
lots of love and luck
KAT

Re: a bit of perspective
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 12 01:43:32 2002 (#3974)

That's what counts. You try to go on living. I
know from reading so many of these posts that it's
one of the hardest things to do when you're feeling so bad. I'm glad to hear you're in a little more control. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: a bit of perspective
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:42:12 2002 (#4028)

That is such good news hunny.

Hold on to that feeling, just go with it...I mean some times when I felt like that I would wonder when it would end, but I learnt that you should just go with it and hope that it doesn't end...if you know what I mean.

Basically, be positive, and ENJOY being positive.

Nicke. P.S. email me if you need.