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Threads 676 to 700

just wondering?
Posted by Erryn on Wed May 15 22:32:03 2002 (#3050)

i was wondering why we feel this way?? i just want to know why i have to go 24/7 thinking like i just want to die! why?

thanks erryn

Re: just wondering?
Posted by KAT on Wed May 15 23:25:29 2002 (#3053)

It could be chemical...and if so then your not going to feel much better unless you seek some help outside yourself.

If not..everyones had a different life, and the people who have been brought up with wonderful parents and no tragedy in their life may seem just as depressed as someone who was beaten by their parents and left for no one..

which Im sure many have experienced.

It's depression, it's your own personal life experience it's tough.

And it sucks that sooooo many people are feeling the exact same way although they think their all alone.

sorry if that didnt quite answer your question.
take care
-KAT

Re: just wondering?
Posted by Eleanor on Thu May 16 00:08:26 2002 (#3054)

I don't know why, I wish I did. Maybe it might be easier top accept if there was a reason for it, I don't know. it sucks though.

Re: just wondering?
Posted by friend on Thu May 16 04:12:57 2002 (#3058)

just talk to someone, i will help u cope, stay busy take care of yourself. we all care for you

Re: just wondering?
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 16 16:59:32 2002 (#3071)

Hi
I dont know the answer to that question, I wont pretend I do, in fact its one I ask my self a lot... But everything has a reason doesnt it? If I ever figure out the answer then I'll mail you!
Ella x

strange...
Posted by jennyfer on Thu May 16 00:40:30 2002 (#3055)

whoa u guys i feel really weird...i can't explain it...like i'm numb almost or something...i can't concentrate on anyhing right now...and at school people would talk to me and i would just be like "huh...uh...yeah..." i have no idea what the hell anybody's telling me...i feel as though i'm walking through jello...like every step i take is a deliberate effort...like i want to break down and cry and scream and tear at my arms some more...only...i don't have the energy...i can barely sit here typing this...i'm shaking...whats wrong with me guys?? i hurt so much...i look in the mirror...disgust,frustration,r egret...it's all the same...like whoa...i'm almost floating or something...i'm not on any sort of drug or anything like that...it's just like...i dunno...in the back of my mind i see the blade...ready for taking...but there's something that's holding me back...i don't know what that something is but like...once it goes away i think i might do something that i'm gonna regret...and i know it cuz it always happens the same way...but :::sighs::: i dunno...help me...please

Re: strange...depression
Posted by KAT on Thu May 16 03:32:02 2002 (#3057)

it's most likely depression.

The stages of depression usually go from you feel shitty about yourself. You get a low self esteem, you stop hanging out with friends, stop doing activities that you once enjoyed and then the last stage...the bottom so it seems, the physical stage.

what you just explained above.

That happened to me too..It hurt to get up out of my bed I didnt have the energy or motivation to get up to use the bathroom and get a fork to my mouth.
everything took more energy then I had, and everything was useless.

By this point it's definently getting into the deep stages. It might seem soon thats it out of your control, this is when you probably should seek help because its going to be 10 times harder on you to try and bring yourself out of it...which you probably dont have the effort to do as it is.

Thats pretty bad..I know how you feel, Ive been there..I really thought it was the end for me..thats about the time I tried my first suicide attempt.
please get help if you want it

take care

-KAT

Re: strange...depression
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 16 16:57:30 2002 (#3070)

Hi
I feel like that too! It has subsided at the moment, but sometimes anger pulses round my whole body, shaking me. Then as it is replaced with the other dark emotions that roam my concious day and night I am left... so weak. Its not just anger though, its everything. Its life I guess. Living tires me out. So you are no alone, you are not wierd, talk to me if you ever need to.
Ella x

Re: strange...
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:19:11 2002 (#3111)

i know exactly how you feel... i dont know if it makes me feel good that someone else understands or scared that there could be another person out there who has to go through this horrible pain too...
Later, Vapor

Re: strange...VAPOR
Posted by jennyfer on Sat May 18 17:10:41 2002 (#3152)

i dunno...but yeah maybe like...i'll help you if you help me...we don't have to go through all this crap alone...

yep, i guess thats the idea behind this board huh? *NM*
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 18 19:57:15 2002 (#3158)

still thinking
Posted by one on Thu May 16 02:04:07 2002 (#3056)

i am just so scared

Re: still thinking
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 16 12:08:48 2002 (#3062)

Just to let you know that you are not alone, we on the board are here for you. Just tell us what you are scared of and try to keep yourself safe at those times when you are scared.

Also, it is okay to feel scared, it is how you deal with it that is the problem. You have to figure out why you are scared. But you are not the only person who feels scared, so it is quite normal if that is what you are worrying about.

You have my thoughts...
Stay strong,Nicke.XX

Re: still thinking
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 16 16:53:15 2002 (#3069)

I get scared too, I scare myself...

Re: still thinking
Posted by one on Thu May 16 21:47:44 2002 (#3080)

i am scared to cut, i am afriad i will like it[too much] i want to but i am scared why do i feel like this. shoud i try it or not

Oh happy days
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu May 16 05:20:30 2002 (#3059)

My brother was knocked off his bike today in a hit and run. He's unconscious in hospital. When I first found out...I didn't react. It was like I didn't even care. When I saw him lying in the road, I broke down and cried...something I very rarely do when it's something other than my miserable exsistence. And now I feel numb agaain. I hate feeling so empty. It's like I have to cut to feel anything. At least I don't seem to be having panic attacks or severe mood swings anymore. But some days I'd take that over feeling nothing. Weird huh? I was planning on telling my mom soon, but I guess I better leave it until hes better. I was also planning on killing myself but now I'm not sure I should. Waiting in the relatives room, all I could do was think about hw my parents would be waiting there if I did kill myself and it freaked me out. Now I'm not sure what I want. I'd love to say I'm depressed again, but I don't feel anything. Just a slight distance from reality. The fact my bank is demanding money I don't have back in a week doesn't bother me. The fact i'm leaving university for no fucking reason doesn't bother me. The fact I almost lost my brother today, doesn't bother me. There's gotta be somehting wrong here.

Re: Oh happy days
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 16 12:05:32 2002 (#3061)

I pressume you are on medication. Don't worry, you are not weird or anything. I except everybody who has been on meds has felt the same way you do at some point.

It is just normal, for the meds anyway. At least they are doing you some good, in that you said that you are no longer havong panic attacks.

I am really sorry to hear about your brother, how old is he? Don't suppose it really matters does it, it still hurts...

Hope he gets better, you have my thoughts...

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

Re: Oh happy days
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 16 16:51:55 2002 (#3068)

Hi
the emotions that run through me are so strong that after a while it all burns down to nothing. I feel so numb, so empty... but I have panic attacks and severe mood swings still. The emotions are always raging they just never rest, the comes the creeping numbness...
And Im not even on meds.
Ella x PS I'm suicidle too

Re: Oh happy days
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu May 16 17:51:59 2002 (#3073)

Hey,

Yeah, the med I'm on sucks. I don't think it even works. But I don't feel so numb today. I keep getting really angry for silly reasons though. But thats probably due to my recent insomnia. My brother is 10. He's doing okay now, but he's still unconscious.

Went to my doctor today and I've been urgently refered to a phychiatric nurse and been given a higher dosage of Citolopram or something like that. Though they gave me 7 20mg and 7 10mg...but no instructions. Am I supposed to take both, once a day? There are never any instructions. Dumb medication.

Re: Oh happy days
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:22:53 2002 (#3112)

sometimes it takes something big, something bad even, to make us see life in a different light and give us just a little bit more energy to keep fighting. you can do it. tell your mom if you are close to her, maybe she can help you get real help. and then she wont ever have to wait for you, im sure she would rather you tell her and get help than suffer and suicide. my best wishes for your brother. i hope hes ok.
Later, Vapor

yo-yo
Posted by kae on Thu May 16 14:22:23 2002 (#3065)

I'm a yo-yo....my moods are going from high to low within the space of an hour, it seems. Early evening, I felt pretty good. I even did some homework...and I text messaged a guy I've been avoiding. Then things start getting dark again....I don't know what it is. Maybe what mum said. Down down down plonk. I've cut again and now I'm sort of swimming in the shallows of total darkness, having pulled myself out of the depths. I'm talking to my 'best friend' on msn right now.....but I can't tell her how I'm feeling or that I've cut....she won't understand. She'll see it as reason to 'cut' herself as well. I just can't TALK to anyone.
Although....I guess if I did have someone to talk to, I wouldn't know what to tell them. I guess thats half my problem....not ever knowing what to do.

~sigh~

I emailed my counsellor. She hasn't got it yet because she was away yesterday. I swear that she doesn't intend to see me anymore....where does that leave me..? Maybe I did decide I wanted help....it seems like she'll only help me if it suits her. Or maybe shes decided I don't really need it at all.

My arms are ugly. I don't think I'll go to the ball. Its not like anyone will ask me, anyway. I'll just feel miserable all night.

Godddd I wallow in self-pity a lot.

kae

Re: yo-yo
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 16 16:47:31 2002 (#3067)

Hi
My moods are extreme, I go from suicidle to extacy in seconds... but then according to my mum its what 'being a teenager is all about', I dont think she'll ever get it... but as for wallowing in self pity, believe me depression is self-indulgent but I take it a step further. Sometimes I get so stuck in my own head that I'm scared that I'll never be able to get out.
Ella x

Re: yo-yo
Posted by Nuni on Thu May 16 17:26:26 2002 (#3072)

I use to go through those extreme mood swings myself. I would cry for no reason and rant for no reason. I would blow things out of proportion and then I would take my blades and cut. I would feel the incision and I would watch the blood bubble. That would place me in the I have NO HOPE category. I never knew or thought that anyone else felt the feeling of being in the dark. When I first started seeing my shrink we talked about how I always felt that I was being sucked in by darkness, something EVIL almost. The thing is that unless you are completely true to the therapists, counselors, DRs they can't help you. Believe me I was always so afraid of telling him that my stomach had slashes and that I thought of freaky ways of dying. I asked him if I repulsed him. He told me no. The easy way to go about "therapy" is to set the the tone. OF course some things to talk about are harder than others. But beleive me the pain you are feeling now doesn't compare to your ability to feel better when you have shared it with a professional. Not all are GOOD nad when you get the feeling that your psych or Doc sucks share that too. You aren't going to hurt anyones feelings TRUST ME.. Now, about you being afraid to let your mom know. I am unsure how stable that relationship is but I can tell you that if through tears you make your mom aware that you are indeed suffering perhaps she will be more compassionate. My mom was hospitalized and the story Rhonda shared about Tara sounds familiar to me. The difference was that it was me taking my mom and leaving her. It sucked royal. I am the cutter, she is depressed. I am starting to learn that a lot of her problems I made my own, hence my emotional instability. I never knew how my mom was going to be, so I had to wait to see how she was and then I would know how to react. I cut for a long time, and when I finally told my mom and showed her my cuts and scars she didnt believe. In fact to this day she denies ever seeing anything. I am sorry I am ranting. But I wanted to fully express that the lonely feeling you get stays with you until you decide that you want to SHARE the ugliness you are feeling. Our thoughts can really bring us down. But every thought you have and think is important! It all matters. All of it. I formed a special bond with MAGGIE. That helps too. We actually met in person and she is warm and intelligent, but an SI'er nontheless. We work together to fight the need to cut. Boards like this are helpful, I hope I can help you all one day. Huge HUGS to everyone.

Re: yo-yo
Posted by KAT on Thu May 16 23:57:07 2002 (#3085)

sounds like bi polar disorder, those mood swings, but Im no doctor.

Take care and be aware of what your thinking and whats setting you off, this might help you in figuring out where tghese feelings are coming from.

KAT

Re: yo-yo
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:32:50 2002 (#3113)

i know how you feel. sometimes the littlest things make me happier than life and then an hour later something so minor can send me to the depths of depression. i hate swinging between those extremes. i hate how everyone leaves. my therapist says my 'extreme fear of abandonment' is part of my physiology. but i think its just being safe. look at my passt. everyone i have cared about has betrayed and abandoned me. its just common sense to be gaurded and scared. prepare for what i know will happen, i dunno. i lost my thoughts.
Later, Vapor

I'm back!
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 16 16:43:29 2002 (#3066)

Hey guys, the internet is broke at home which is why I havn't been online the past few days, so Im not ignoring you: I'll email you all so soon as its fixed. I'm at the libary at the moment and all the libariens are giving me wierd looks, I didnt know how obvious it was that I am a complete freak! lol! Anyways how are you all? I'm as I am, suicidally depressed and all! When my mum shouted at me again last night telling me that Iam useless and stupid (I guess she has a point there!) I nearly did it again... the pills were so tempting, I thought 'that will teach you to call me useless you stupid bitch' but instead I curled into a fetal position and cried my self to sleep for many hours... anyone else felt so tired that they can't actually sleep?
I love you all, you are the centre of my very very very sad life!
Ella x
PS She, I asked about the anti-depressents and the bitch said I need my mums permission and Im too scared to ask my mum cuz she already seems to hate me enough as it is.

Re: I'm back! Again...
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 16 17:53:21 2002 (#3074)

Hi
Im sorry to keep posting and boring you all but I just want to explain that I my last message I was not being fake about talking about my crappy life in such a fake way, I was just really happy to be back on line thats all...
Ella x

Re: I'm back! Again...
Posted by She on Thu May 16 19:22:29 2002 (#3076)

HELLO!!!!!!
Ohh sweetie You are anythink but stupid and your definatly not usless.
He he librarians are funny . Bitch that sux so bad whty do you have too be an age for everything it sux.
Love you
SHE

Re: I'm back!
Posted by Erryn on Fri May 17 00:17:52 2002 (#3092)

im glad your back take care xxxERRYN

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu May 16 21:13:58 2002 (#3077)

FuCkInG HeLl !!!!! ThIs Is GeTtInG RiDiCuLoUs!!! LaTeSt FrOm My ScHoOl Is ThAt PeOpLe ArE NoW CuTtInG JuSt So ThAt ThEy CaN bE PaRt oF A sTuPiD GaNg!!!!! It MaKeS mE sO mAd ThAt ThIs Is HaPpEnInG oVeR hErE!!!!! NoOnE aCtUaLlY tHiNkS ThAt PeOpLe ThAt CuT aRe ReAlLy hUrTiNg AnYmOrE tHeY tHiNk It Is PaRt oF ThIs NeW cRaZe ThAt iS sWeEpInG OuR aReA!!!! tHiS iS rEaLlY dAnGerOuS bECaUsE pEoPlE tHAt Are cUtTiNG BeCauSe ThEy ned HeLp ARe JUsT bEinG foRgoTTeN abOuT bEcAuSe THeY arE lAbELED as pArT Of thIs NeW GaNg THaT HaS hit THe stReEtS!!!!!!!!

I WAS SO HURT nd so offended when i found out about this. can you believe that these people are only cutting so that they can be part of the mohe crew because thats apparently what moshes do guys!!! so every one here apperently we are all wannabe moshers can you believe. oh it just makes me so pissing mad.................... no wonder people dismiss us as atention sekers when it is clearly obvious that members of youth today are using cutting as a gimmik to promote "there gang". jesus. fucking bloody hell!

Re: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???
Posted by She on Thu May 16 23:34:05 2002 (#3082)

HIya:o)
We have quite a few gangs who tattoo themselfes round here eather by burning then drawnig the gang mark on the burn and re burning or cutting and pouring ink on them .It happend a few years back round here to and someone i knew got aids from it so it died out for a while.It really sux.
To be a mosher is a fashion at the moment the real moshers know who are and arnt moshers and the ones who arent will hopfully die out with the fashion.Its anoying though .Ohh well
Love you
SHE

Re: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???
Posted by GreenEggSam on Fri May 17 00:22:12 2002 (#3093)

I know how you feel! People just follow blindly thinking that they'll "fit in" better or something if they cut. They don't get that, for "true" cutters, it's not about getting attention! "She" is right though, you just have to wait for people to realize that whatever they had hoped cutting would do for them isn't going to happen. In the mean time, don't let them get to you.

Sam

i believe it.
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:41:05 2002 (#3114)

its horrible. it makes me so angry. but i just dont have the power to try and argue with that. i know what i am on the inside. i know the struggles i have been through and noone can take that away. i guess i have never met any other cutters in real life and dont think i would like to either. when i first SIed i had no clue what it was. i had no idea! i have learned so much, my eyes have been opened. i didnt even know what to call it for many years. when i first wanted to find out if other people did this. i started searching for 'transference of emotional pain to physical pain' i never knew the words self-injury, self-harm, cutting, self-mutilation... until like at least 5 years after i had been doing that to myself. i couldnt believe it. the first day i read online someone elses story of them cutitng themselves i didnt get out of bed for 4 days. i just couldnt move i was so oustounded. i was so overwhelmed i couldnt eat, couldnt move, it was a major realization. i guess its always shocking to know we arent alone - it makes me wonder why this happens to other people. i wouldnt wish this on anyone, not my abuser, not my worst enemy!
Later, Vapor

Re: i believe it.
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 17 08:54:02 2002 (#3122)

I can believe it. It's been going on round where I live for a while now and it sucks. That's why I had such a hard time of it when people found out about me, it's such a nightmare. People don't seem to be able to understand what damage they're doing by being like that. It makes me so mad. Hope you're ok hun. love ya loads, el x x x

Re: i believe it.
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:09:56 2002 (#3139)

Yep I can believe it too. Damn them, all of them. They do it in my school, the steal the glass sheets you use for magnifying stuff and smash it then scratch thier arms with it. All the 'populalar' people do it, I hate them SO much! If I let them see my scars they'd think I was doing it for the same reason they do, attention. Well fuck them, the faze will die out and all it will leave them with is a couple of ugly marks... I've cut my leg up so much I can hardly move the pain is so intense... they will never know how that feels.
Ella x

Re: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???
Posted by laura on Wed May 22 00:05:41 2002 (#3236)

hey, im a mosher but i dont do it for attention, but i know what u mean! There are a few people here that cut b/cuz they think its 'kewl' and want to 'fit-in', and go around in their tiny tops showing all their scars and shit. Im really carefull that NO1, except my b/f, sees my scars, and if i was doing it for attention id show people or talk about it. I wish all those sick 'wanna-be-kewl' moshers would just quit it and stop messing cuz its dangerous for us! Loadsv love laura xxxxx

my imagination
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu May 16 21:30:08 2002 (#3078)

apologies for bombarding you all with my endless posting but well hey! i got myself a lil occupying to do otherwise ill be reaching for my knife (situated in the draw beside me). i havent cut for 3 days!!! yay!!! soooo i reckon that one day on here we should all decide that well spend the whole day "on holiday". we all go on this great holiday somewhere great and we all go together and have a great time. kind of like canada but a day trip where all the posts for that day are based on what where all doing. like if we went to a theme aprk what rides we go on we all decide who throws up at the back of the rollercoaster and shit like that. i dont know...imagination plays a key part. i dunno im just bored and am coming up with all these wacky ideas that i need to share with you guys however sill they may seem. lol!!!!!!!!!

Re: my imagination
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu May 16 21:31:42 2002 (#3079)

oh and ....hehehe sorry lol!!!...... and we could dedicate one day of each month for our "holidays" i dunno lol

Re: my imagination
Posted by She on Thu May 16 23:35:42 2002 (#3083)

Hay that sounds cool.
Love ya
she

Re: my imagination
Posted by Erryn on Fri May 17 00:16:00 2002 (#3090)

that sounds great take care xxxErryn

Re: my imagination
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:12:08 2002 (#3140)

Hi what a cool idea. I was thinking we could all stop cutting at the same time and it might help us not to give in... I probably wouldnt last that long but just a thought!
Ella x

Re: my imagination
Posted by GreenEggSam on Fri May 17 00:25:50 2002 (#3094)

Did you know that March 31 is Nation Self-Injury Awareness Day? I made a big issue about it at school this year, because I know there are a lot of cutters there who don't say anything. Anyway, sounds like a cool idea!

Sam

Re: my imagination
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:46:47 2002 (#3115)

congrats on the three days. sounds like a good idea.
Later, Vapor

Re: my imagination
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 17 08:55:51 2002 (#3123)

Sounds like a great idea. Love you sweetie. x x x

anyone remember me?
Posted by *me* on Thu May 16 22:18:05 2002 (#3081)

I'm sorry that I never post anymore. I don't even know if people here know me anymore. But I'm feeling sooo terrible lately and I just need a place to go..to talk to people who understand..so I decided to post. I'm just so stressed out and everything, EVERY little thing upsets me. My mother is being bitchy to me (not like that's unusual, but this is worse than ever)and I'm feeling so much pressure on me all the time. I guess it must show because yesterday one of my teachers came up to me after class and asked me if I was ok. He said that I looked so sad. I made up some lame excuse about how I think I'm getting sick. I can't take all of this anymore. It feels like all I do is cut, cry, and work work work. I don't even want to eat anymore and when I do I feel so guilty. All of this is just piling up on me and I feel like I can't breathe. AHHHHHHHHH I hate this! Why am I like this?

Re: anyone remember me?
Posted by KAT on Fri May 17 00:00:08 2002 (#3086)

Hi *me* Im sorry you've had to return under these circumstances.

That really sucks about whats going on, ya know sometimes we just get into these fits of depression that just seem like theyll never end but they do..

try and take care

-KAT

Re: anyone remember me?
Posted by Erryn on Fri May 17 00:14:44 2002 (#3089)

hey no matter what we are here for you!!!!!!!!! im glad you came back. take care xxxErryn

Re: anyone remember me?
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:34:20 2002 (#3146)

Hi
I remember you, welcome back... we all understand how you feel.
Ella x

People really don't understand
Posted by KAT on Fri May 17 00:02:59 2002 (#3087)

I was sitting in class today and people were talking about how this girl was cutting herself in class because she wanted people to like her and she wanted attention.
Then my teacher comes out and says well this kid one time was sitting in class taking a razor to his arm back and forth.

and she said thats a huge cry for attention and then everyone went into this discussion how they dont like people doin that , and its stupid and all for attention.
AND HERE I AM

sitting working with my fucking long sleeves on a hot ass day..god..I know people have seen my scars. I just hate it, it was one of the most uncomfortable situations Ive been in besides having to have been strip searched.

God people really dont understand, and I dont think they ever will..or want to

KAT

Re: People really don't understand
Posted by Erryn on Fri May 17 00:09:58 2002 (#3088)

sorry, i dont think people understand, i dont like when people say we do it for attention, i can think of better ways to get attention. i hope you will feel better, im in a bad mood so i would have told them off. take care xxxErryn

Re: People really don't understand
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri May 17 00:17:27 2002 (#3091)

If we do it for attention, why do we go to such lengths to hide it? It's a cry for help sometimes...I get that. But we don't all do it that reason. We all have our own reasons...people just have no clue what they're talking about.

Kayleigh

Re: People really don't understand
Posted by friend on Fri May 17 02:51:58 2002 (#3101)

maybe its becuz they are full of shit and they cant understand cuz they det everything they want and they are selffelh we are here for you and we understand and care for one another take care of yourself we all love you

Re: People really don't understand
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:59:57 2002 (#3116)

youre right, they never will understand. and i dont ever want them to or expect them to. we understand each other... thats enough for me. dont waste your energy.
Later, Vapor

Re: People really don't understand
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 17 09:00:13 2002 (#3124)

People are scred of what they don't understand and that's why we get treated so badly when they find out. I was avoided, like cutting was catching or something. It really sucks. It's so sad as well, there are so many people who si who are labelled as "freaks" and ignored or picked on because of it when they are amazing people who could give so much if only people would give them some respect. Take care. el x x x

Re: People really don't understand
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 18 16:09:27 2002 (#3150)

YOur right KAT, people don't understand the cutting and I really think they are too scared to
even try to understand it. In my opinion, if someone is scared of something, they try to make fun of it or say it's just a cry for attention. If
people did understand, they would help more. I know kids can be very, very cruel. I've been though that with my kids. Maybe that is why Tara's
cutting propelled my into getting help cause I knew that this wasn't just a phase she was going
through. I'm always here to talk. Take care honey.
LOve, Rhonda

stupid bitch...!!!!!
Posted by jennyfer on Fri May 17 00:43:17 2002 (#3095)

fuck this is it!!! i can't fucking take it anymore!!! the other day i could barely move now i'm just so pissed off...GOD!!!! ok so today at school i decided to roll my sleeves up for some god given reason...and i go to eighth period and then my stupid teacher was looking at my arms...u guys know that look...and so i rolled them down...we got into a little despute and i walked away mad...i said something and now i don't even remember what it was...and she goes "jennyfer u r so pathetic...if ur doing it for attention there's other less dangerous ways to get it...now u know why people look at you the way they do..." it was like me having a loaded shotgun in my mouth and she pulled the trigger...and it's not like it was after class when it was just me and her no!! it was right in the middle of class and in front of everyone...GOD!!! i was more hurt than mad...i don't know why...it was like fuck there goes my self esteem...damn u know what?? she might as well have just told me "if i were i'd kill myself...repeatedly" aw man what the hell is that?? she fuckin has the balls to talk shit to me like that!!! what the fuck!!! and so now i wanna use this as an excuse to cut myself...but that's not right...i guess what u guys said was right...maybe i am depressed...cuz i go from not even getting out of bed to these uncontrolable rages...and oh my god what if she tells one of the counselors and i have to go back to the hospital?? fuck what am i gonna do?? i don't wanna go back there...u don't know how much i hate it there!!!! :::sighs::: damn i think i've tired myself out...i wanna go to sleep and pretend this NEVER happened...

Re: stupid bitch...!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Fri May 17 01:20:13 2002 (#3097)

Oh My god that is fucking rediculous. Your teacher had NO! right what so ever to do that to you.
That was completely wrong on her part and now you are suffering because of it.
I understand how much it sucks, I had to leave all of my friends and my old school because of this, this cutting shit.

Like I said earlier,people really dont understand and they wont ever take the time to unless it personally effects them in some way.

How fucking shitty this is, sorry this is making me mad too!!
I cant believe that happened to you, Im so sorry. That was extremly uncalled for, she should apologize to you, but Im sure she wont and you probably dont want to talk to her right now.
Maybe leaving for a little while and going to a hospital might not be so bad at this point.
Try out a different hospital, Ive been to many and each one is very different, you might like (in a way) a diff. one. and its a break from having to deal with people who wont understand and abreak from having to hide whats really going on.

Rage is a terrible thing, I have a lot of it, more then a lot, I am a rageful person, and when it builds up it becomes life fire and it just burns anyone in its path.
Be careful, and take care of yourself first!

*hugs*
KAT

Re: stupid bitch...!!!!!
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 07:02:14 2002 (#3117)

please dont get offended, but what did you really expect when you rolled up your sleeves?

what a day!!!!!
Posted by Erryn on Fri May 17 01:56:46 2002 (#3099)

today my son went to the doctor and was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. he has to start chemo again and he is only 2. i feel like cutting till i cant stop, but i promised my dr i wouldnt for my kids. my day at work was rough, i know ppl there mean well, but sometimes i feel like they are just nosey. i just dont understand life anymore. Erryn

Re: what a day!!!!!
Posted by friend on Fri May 17 02:53:31 2002 (#3102)

i am really sorry about your son just love him and yourself [we do]

Re: what a day!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Fri May 17 03:48:31 2002 (#3103)

you know...to me it seems like life is the toughest on the most kind hearted people and life is rich for those who don't deserve it.

Hang in there, your son will pull through fine, take care.

KAT

Re: what a day!!!!!
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 07:06:11 2002 (#3118)

im very sorry, but i know you can be strong through this. you can make it. find other ways to release all of this... (i know, easier said then done, but you can do it!)
Later, Vapor

Re: what a day!!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 17 09:05:35 2002 (#3125)

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry. I love you so much you know that? I'm sure your little boy will be strong and pull through, if he's as tough as you he can't lose :-)
Give him a hug from me and have one for yourself. take care, love el x x

Re: what a day!!!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 18 16:03:17 2002 (#3149)

Hey Erryn,
I'm sorry about your son. My grandma is battling that right now. Have you thought about getting on
a message board on Cancer.org? I go there sometimes to just get some support from family
members who are dealing with someone they love
battling cancer. The address is: w ww.cancer.org
You can have questions answered and everything.
I wish you so much love and please give you little
boy a kiss from me. Take care of yourself and him
also. I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Love, Rhonda

Re: what a day!!!!!
Posted by She on Sat May 18 17:57:31 2002 (#3154)

Ohh sweetie im so sorry . Your a very strong person you can get through this do it for your kids.
((((((((((HUGE HUGZZZ)))))))))))))))
For you and your son.
Loads of love and support

She

nuthin to do no one to talk to
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri May 17 02:08:23 2002 (#3100)

hey again. yea i wrote on earlier but i feel like writin again. i have no idea what to do. i wrote a couple of other poems. i'll post them as soon as i can. i need to fix them. they need to be checked for things. idk. i guess i'm just bored is all. lol. yea so i'll just go now i'm probably taking up message space for someone who really matters. <3 always zandra

My moms ashamed
Posted by KAT on Fri May 17 03:53:49 2002 (#3104)

let me tell you, I love my mom more then anything and I know how she is, shes kind of cheap and very tight with her money.
but ever since my parents have found out Ive cut they want me to immediatly make my scars dissapear, which porbably wont ever happen.
Shes even willing to pay for some laser surgery, which will be probably the only way my fucking scars will go away...
my scars arent going to be covered up no matter how much make up or whatever cream I put on them.
My mom buys me the most expensive creams make ups and long sleevs shirts.
Whenever we go somewhere she says dont let anyone see your arms while Im there, I dont need them asking me questions.
shes so ashamed of me and that kind of hurts worse then people staring at my uglyness.

They are so ashamed of me..how am I not supposed to be ashamed of myself?

The scars my life has left on me mentally and emotionally won't ever go away so why make these scars dissapear.

KAT

Re: My moms ashamed
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 07:11:11 2002 (#3119)

i dont think shes ashamed, i just think that she doesnt know how to handle it. im sure she is overwhelmed with this and she wouldnt know what to say if people asked. as for covering them up i think shes trying to help. kinda like outta sight, outta mind. if you dont see your scars, if the world doesnt see them, then she can pretend they didnt happen and since she doesnt really know how to deal with it thats the easiest way for her to try and handle this. i dunno, kick me if im wrong.
Later, Vapor

well....
Posted by Sar on Fri May 17 12:45:33 2002 (#3130)

Sweetie, scars are something that will never go away. You said that yourself. Tell your Mom that she is making you feel like one of the most unimportant people in the world. Tell her yes your scars may effect her, but not in the way they effect you. That the way she is acting is pushing you to feel alone, scared, and deprived. Tell her that just because she doesn't want to deal, doesn't mean you are not willing to. If people ask, don't tell them. Tell her it's none of their business.
Real life is hard enough withough having her on you about it... right? So tell her.
Tell her everything you have told us but make her listen. Sit her down and say, you are going to listen to me if you like it or not. Tell her then say, I'm wearing what I want, nothing will cover up the scars on the inside... And nothing will cover up the ones on the outside.

Love always,
Sar

Re: well....
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat May 18 01:41:28 2002 (#3135)

Hi

I don't know what your mom is like, but I think she may be doing it because she doesn't want people upsetting you by asking questions. Parents sometimes have fucked up ways of helping us, which are usually wrong or seemingly hurtful. Best advice is to talk to her...depending on how your mom is about things like this, she'll probably apologise and stop. It sounds cliqued, but (most) parents only want to help us. Of course then there are the sadistic bastard parents that want to screw your life up in any way possible. Sounds like your mom's nice though. Give it a try.

Kayleigh

Re: well....
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:25:01 2002 (#3144)

Hi
My mums ashamed of me. She hates the scars... she hates the depression. She tells me to hide it and then it will go away. She wants me to bury it inside me along with all the other pain. She doesnt want to look like a bad mother... though she is. So I can empathise with your post, its a shame I cant help you because its like that for me too, but Im sure your mum cares, I just wish mine did.
Ella x

Re: My moms ashamed
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 18 15:58:48 2002 (#3148)

Hey KAT,
Have you tried asking her if she is ashamed of you because of the scars and why? Maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing or saying hurts
you. I don't know, maybe I'm different cause I
never worried about Tara showing her scars. Her
whole family knows. Of course, not many of them ask her about it, only her cousins that are closer to her own age. They ask because they worrry about her. The only thing I can say is to
talk to your mom and find out why she acts like
this. Parents can be so weird sometimes it's not
even funny. I'm always here for you honey.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

I'm new
Posted by Jamie on Fri May 17 05:26:26 2002 (#3105)

hey, i'm 14 and i was just wondering...my psycologist knows that i have cut, but knows nothing recent, because i promised her that i wouldnt, if she promised not to tell my parents...if i tell her the truth...that i have been cutting (uncontrollably at that) will she tell my parents? i can't get help from her unless i'm honest with her...but my parents don't know me, and theyre not worth it to know. please help

Re: I'm new
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 07:20:19 2002 (#3120)

in my experience, they tell, and its never worth it. i mean try to tell her little things so she can help without having something so shocking she has to go to your parents.
Later, Vapor

Re: I'm new
Posted by stranger in the night on Fri May 17 13:19:27 2002 (#3131)

hey i wasnt planning on posting today...just checking my email and thought id quickly read a few posts..........ive got loads to do today....but anyways i couldnt leave this one...

yep your psychologist will tell your parents girl. im sorry i have to say that but thats how it is hunni. it FUCKING sucks but yep he/she will tell. its coz yur 14 hun......the stupid age confidentiality thing!!! its stupid. unless you want your parents to know then i wouldnt tell he/she.....coz from personal experience of opening my big mouth.....it doesnt help. just thought id be straight xxxxxxx

Re: I'm new
Posted by KAT on Fri May 17 16:51:44 2002 (#3132)

I had this problem with my last therapist too.

I was cutting severly towards the end of our sessions yet I kept telling her everything was great because I was sure she was going to tell my parents.

Im not sure but I think if someones harming themself and it could be fatal they have the right to tell...I might be wrong.

Its tough because you want to maintain that confidence and that relationship but theres a line that needs to be crossed and can't.

If you feel its right then tell her

KAT

Re: I'm new
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:20:59 2002 (#3143)

Hi
Im fourteen too. My psycologist knows I cut... my parents dont. they think I stopped as soon as they found out, they arent worth it either... But it helps to be honest with your therapist, they can help you... ask her not to tell and she should go along with that if your not ready.
Welcome to the board.
Ella x

Re: I'm new
Posted by She on Sat May 18 18:01:43 2002 (#3155)

WELCOME!!!:o)
If you ever wanna talk im here.
Loads a love
SHE

life is strange....
Posted by Star (amz ) on Fri May 17 11:56:23 2002 (#3127)

hi, its wierd me and my b/f are gettin on so well and ive never felt so loved by him yet i cant seem to get into my head what he feels or why i cant accept what he says about his feelings, and for instance last night when he said i looked sexy i laughed, i always laugh and i know he gets hurt by that cause he thinks i dont beleieve him...i dont thats the problem, i could never see myself as anything like that as althought i dont cut or anything i still feel that my body image is terrible i cant understand why anyone would want to be with me let alone see me as sexy or beautiful or any of those things, where are all these doubts coming from? i used to be more confident than this and now i just feel like shit,i also get the distinct6 impression my two *best friends* hate my guts and i cant even understand why? i dont have the time or patience to even think about it all.
Thank u for listening Amz xxx

Re: life is strange....
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 17 12:14:59 2002 (#3128)

I used to have the same problem with my b/f. The only problem is now he is my ex b/f.

I let it get to me instead of trying to wo4rk things out.

Nobody can love you until you love yourself...you need to look at why you may be feeling this...the best thing to do is tell your b/f about how you feel...if he understands what you are going through then he can help you...

And try to believe him when he says your sexy and beautiful...I know that it is harder to accept than give compliments...

Stay strong. Nicke.XX

Re: life is strange....
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 18 01:11:00 2002 (#3134)

im also very suspicious. i always end up with these great guys who are sweet, cute...etc. and i feel like i dont deserve them. its wierd because mostly guys use me just for my body and i always feel that my mind is something to be respected and that my body is nothing... i get suspicious of anyone who likes me just the way i am cause i guess i just hate myself so i dont get how anyone else could like me. also, i tend to keep doubts about everything. i am always suspicious that people are evil and plotting against me and such and are going to do bad things and leave me. i always think that if i let myself trust anyone and get close to them that they are just gonna abandon me anyway (which from the past doesnt seem to be unfounded).
Later, Vapor

Re: life is strange....
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:17:23 2002 (#3142)

Hi
I have a MAJOR problem trusting people... its been drummed into my head by all around me and myself. When my mum found out about cutting she said it was ugly and I was stupid, she told me not to tell anyone because they would hate me. My best friend told me to keep it a secret; people would think I was wierd. All Ive ever wanted through my whole life is to fit in... but thats never going to happen with panic attacks and severe paranoia.
Ella x

Re: life is strange....
Posted by Star(amz) on Mon May 20 18:43:14 2002 (#3188)

Hi everyone thanks 4all ur help, yeah i dont understand why i feel so ugly but then i look in the mirror i see someone so different to what he sees and i dont like what i see, im so parinoid sometimes i think peoplr r talking about me and tht im disliked, it probably is all my mind but i never now, Thanks for the support love n peace Amz xxx

Giving up
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat May 18 01:43:10 2002 (#3136)

Does anyone else ever get periods of times when they have no need to cut and plan to give up, wondering why they ever needed to in the first place? So weird...

Re: Giving up
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat May 18 01:53:22 2002 (#3137)

yea i get that feeling a lot. then i need to cut uncontrollably. yes i've gone back to cutting, sorry anyways i understand that feeling. well take care. <3 always scaredinthedark

Re: Giving up
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 18 07:29:54 2002 (#3138)

...the past year of my life! i havent cut, dont really know why i ever did. just make myself confused about it. but still want to with every particle of my being.
Later, Vapor

Re: Giving up
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:13:28 2002 (#3141)

Sometimes I feel like that, but not very often... Im a very weak person.
Ella x

Re: Giving up
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 18 16:15:42 2002 (#3151)

Of course, I don't get in those moods, but I just
wanted to let you know that I love you and I'm always here. Take care of yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: Giving up
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat May 18 17:11:59 2002 (#3153)

Thanks, I'm so glad I found a group of people who can understand or if not understand, then be there. I don't know any of you, but I feel more comfortable talking to you than any one I know. I wish I had that kind of confidence around my mom. Might make things easier.

Kayleigh

Re: Giving up
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 01:50:45 2002 (#3179)

i do this alot, like right now i havent cut in awhile but when i look down at my arms i always think what was i thinking, but then when something happens i automatically cut it is weird!!!!!!!! take care xxxErryn

Down Down Down
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 18 11:32:10 2002 (#3145)

Iam falling.
I can feel it. Its all right for some people, they have those who catch them.
I have no one. I've had enough of catching myself every time I fall. I've had enough of being mature. I've had enough of being the mum to my family, Im fourteen at home playing mummy when shes out at work pretending everythings OK. I HATE THIS. Im gonna fall and this time Im not even gonna catch myself.
Just down down down. hahaha... that'll teach them. Sorry I dont know what Im saying but my therapist keeps telling me that psychtriatic hospitals for people like me aren't so bad. We all know what that means...
Ella x

Re: Down Down Down
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat May 18 13:18:18 2002 (#3147)

Theres no advice I can give that's gonna make anything better. All I can advise is what I know. Whenever anything gets to me, I revert into my own world...it's not the sane thing to do, but it helps block out the pain of real life sometimes. But I have an overactive imagination so it's kinda natural for me.

You know what we should all do? Run away and start a commune in the mountains. No parents, no theapists...see, over active imagination. Still, a girl can dream.

Alcohol is also a good way of blocking it out, but of course that can be more trouble than it's worth. Plus if you're 14, then it's probably not the easiest of plans. If cuttings your way of dealing, cut. Sometimes it makes everything go away.

Wow, am I the Don of bad advice or what? I've suggested detachment from the real world, alcoholism and self-harm. Bad me. lol.

Are you feeling any better than you were?

Hope this helps...or at least makes you smile.

Kayleigh

Re: Down Down Down
Posted by She on Sat May 18 18:06:14 2002 (#3156)

Ella i love you sweetie. Im here for you if you need someone to catch you.
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
she

Re: Down Down Down
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 18 20:05:06 2002 (#3159)

hey, i'm here if theres ever anything i can do to help. i hope you are ok... dunno what else to say. i know what its like to fall. when i finally gave up trying to catch myself all the time i finally found the strength within to pull my life together (well, at least more together than it was).
Later, Vapor

Re: Down Down Down
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 01:47:57 2002 (#3178)

u just have to remember once you hit the bottom there are two choices, death or up!!!!!!!! im not telling you it gets better becuz ive been in the bottom for awhile just think about the future, like kids, who knows you could end up with 10, its worth the waiting, they will love you, no matter how bad you feel, take care xxxxxxxErryn

I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by Eleanor on Sat May 18 19:13:31 2002 (#3157)

I'm going away for a while. I have to get away from all this, I have to get away from myself. I thought I could make myself better, I could make myself believe in life again but it hasn't worked and I'm sinking deeper and deeper. I don't know where I'll end up or if I can pull myself away from the edge but I know that this is what I have to do. Maybe I'll be back someday, I don't know but I just want you to know that I love you all. I know I haven't been any use to you while I've been here but all I can say is that I've tried my hardest and I couldn't do any more.
I hope that you all get through this and you get what you want in life. And please think of me and remember that I expect you to be there at my party when my books published.
I love you all so much. Thank you for being there and for caring.
El x x x x x x x

Re: I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 18 20:11:55 2002 (#3160)

i think you are making a wise choice. I used to post at another SI board and for a while it helped but when everything just got to be too much i realized i had to move on, had to get away. sometimes if you change the surroundings it gives you the push you need to change everything else. posting here, now, years later from when i first posted at my original board i have a completely differnt perspective and different expectations on what these message boards can do for me. it was that time away from the internet, the time when i just realized that change, any change, was going to be an improvement from where i was. so im glad you are going to take time to change things, and trust me, things will get better for you! it wont be easy, but you will find contentment and happiness.
Later, Vapor

Re: I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat May 18 21:27:11 2002 (#3161)

so sad to see you go eleanor hun!! you are great person and oyu mean a lot ot me BUT............ you go off and do the things in life you need to hun....i hope you will be happy some day. keep in touch yeah? good luck with life n all that shit.

ill miss you and i love you hun xxx

Re: I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by Rhonda on Sun May 19 02:41:03 2002 (#3163)

I hope things work out for you. Would it be okay to email you and send you cards every once in a while? Just remember that I'm always here if you
ever want to talk. I will include you in my prayers, of course, you were already there. Take
care of yourself honey, you are very special to me. Let me know how you are doing.
LOve ya, Rhonda

Re: I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sun May 19 01:28:51 2002 (#3162)

eleanor, i hope you get what you want out of yur get away. i'll miss you. even if you don't think you've helped any, you've helped me more than you know. you've helped me get through my problems with my parents and you were there for me whenever i needed sumone to talk to. thank you and have a good time. i hope i'm at yur party when yur book is published. take care of yurself. i love you girl. <3 always scaredinthedark

Re: I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by She on Sun May 19 13:06:38 2002 (#3168)

To my pola Queen
Oh my god im gonna miss you.Your my best friend girl.
Good luck though i think we all need a rest sometimes.
Good luck with everything.
Please keep in touch .
LOve you
SHE

Re: I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun May 19 17:12:45 2002 (#3169)

Hi
I'm gonna miss you SOOOOOOOO much, you know that I love you yeah? You are the best, please keep in contact if you want to, Im sorry my mail isnt working at the moment but I love you and Im gonna miss you but I respect your descision, love you always,
Ella x

Re: I guess this is goodbye.........
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 01:41:20 2002 (#3175)

hey girl, thank you for everything, i will miss you loads, if you ever need to talk im here okay take care xxxErryn

*growls* damnit
Posted by Sar on Sun May 19 05:54:54 2002 (#3164)

I just wanna slit my fucking arms from top to bottom right now. I somehow FUCK EVERYTHING up. I can't do this shit right.
I have to take care of a friend that is falling apart because her parents are calling it quits...
I fuck my relationship up everyday of my life and i love him too much to lose him
i have band
i have cheerleading shit to do
i have school shit
i have home shit
i have this shit that i can't do anymore
someone tell me what the god damned mother fucking point is
i want to know
i really do
because this shit is driving me insane
i'm lucky i'm not near my god damned fucking shit to fucking do something because i don't trust myself at all
maybe i'll break something
no
i'll tell someone off, tell my journal off
or go try to get my mind off this
jesus

sorry i needed to do this

-Sar

sorry
Posted by Sar on Sun May 19 06:15:48 2002 (#3165)

Sorry you guys
I"m really sorry

Re: sorry
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 20 00:19:00 2002 (#3174)

It's okay honey. Everyone, even me, has to blow
off steam sometimes. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Email me if you ever want to talk.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

dammit
Posted by erica on Sun May 19 06:25:18 2002 (#3166)

I am just so frustrated. Lately I keep fantasizing about overdoseing. I've even been thinking about stockpiling my medication (I only am allowed a week at a time). I don't know. I even keep thinking about slitting me wrists, but everytime I get close to doing it, I chicken out.
I just want this all to stop. I want help, but don't know where to turn. I guess I just need to say openly say what I've been thinking.

erica

Re: dammit
Posted by diana on Mon May 20 04:30:36 2002 (#3183)

hey.. i normally never post anymore but since no1 posted to your message i thought i should so you don't feel alone. i can't tell you that right now everything will be alright and that everything will be okay.. but i can tell you that life does go on and eventually(can take a great deal of time) things will get better and you will learn to feel better bout life and yourself. shoot, im deff not at that point in my life, but im tryin to say some words of encouragement but it prolly sounds corny as hell coming from a 15 year old. you can talk to me whenever you want, just don't do nething you would regret, because you never know...one day you could have the life that we dream of now.-xXxDianaxXx

Re: dammit
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 20 05:14:33 2002 (#3184)

im right there with ya hon. i didnt post before cause i dont really know what to say. i dont think there are words that can help. anyway, i understand...
Later, Vapor

Lonely Girl - Pink
Posted by kae on Sun May 19 12:41:44 2002 (#3167)

I love this song, its so real...I think we could all relate to it.

Lonely Girl - written by Linda Perry, sung by Pink

I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize

Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to
try

I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem

Do you even know who you are?
I'm still tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No

Sorry girl, tell a tale for me
Cuz I'm wondering how you really feel
I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you
Cuz I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come
true

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, yeah, yeah
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, I'm tryin' to find
A rising dream or a superstar?
Oh, I have a all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No, no
Do you even know what you are?
A rising dream or a fallen star?
Is life good to you or is it bad?

Re: Lonely Girl - Pink
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 01:42:57 2002 (#3176)

hey i love that song actually she my favorite singer take care xxxErryn

Re: Lonely Girl - Pink
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 20 09:34:49 2002 (#3187)

I have her album, that song is one of my favourites also...

She is diffenetly one of my favourite singers!

hiding always hiding
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun May 19 17:16:44 2002 (#3170)

If you can't see the pain then it doesn't exist.
There's never any sadness behind a smile.
Ignore the problem and it goes away.
So many people seem to live in this mentality… Bob Dylan's song 'Blowing in the Wind', he talks about these things, the words are all too true. But I don't think there is a word to describe this pain inside me, no matter how long I look in the thesaurus there are never any words close to describing this emotion. My life used to be a almost flawless picture framed in its almost perfection. Then suddenly the image smashes, the photograph is torn and lost but the glass is the more deadly. As it shatters the shards of pain scatter in to every aspect of my life. Infecting and contorting into my very heart. Then as I don't know how to react to this, my body tries to heal it as it can do with my scars… But that doesn't work does it? The pain is just buried further in until it becomes the very essence of my being, becomes my very soul. It has filled my whole ability to experience pain, now I can no longer feel the blade, now all I can feel is suffering. I am trying to hang on; I really am… In my last post I moaned about my therapist, what I didn't say was that she told me that going into a psychiatric hospital, that I shouldn't be so scared about going in there. Well I know what this means… my mum wouldn't let me go anyway what she just wants the pain hidden out of sight and out of mind. But I'm going insane at the moment, I'm losing my mind and there's nothing I can do. I just watch life slip through my hands like sand and I have no energy left to stop it. You know I mentioned the rooms in my mind, well they are not just in my mind anymore they are in my life. I'm locked in a room of melancholy and no ones letting me out.
If only someone could hold me and tell me it was all right, if only someone would love me the way I can't love myself.
Ella

Re: hiding always hiding
Posted by Pooh bear on Sun May 19 18:32:12 2002 (#3171)

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
At least now i know u r posting in at least one message board. I was worried that u were just keeping this bottled up now u don't come in the other board, but now i know u r talking and letting things out.
((((((((((((((huggles))))))) )))))

Re: hiding always hiding
Posted by Pooh bear on Sun May 19 18:34:20 2002 (#3172)

sorry thought it was a different ella, as she gave me this site then i read posts further below and u said u r 14 so sorry my mistake. Have the hugs anyway but forgot the other bits.

Re: hiding always hiding
Posted by She on Sun May 19 21:13:23 2002 (#3173)

Hiya Sweetie
ohh my god you will be leaving too?
When do you have to g to the psychitric thingy? can i come visit?
Hurm i just had like 1000 things i wanted to say to you and i forgotten everything.
Well I love you girl take care
She

Re: hiding always hiding
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 01:44:23 2002 (#3177)

i have been in a couple psych hospitals and they are not bad, i actually found peace and friendship, if it helps why not take care xxxErryn

Re: hiding always hiding
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon May 20 21:49:39 2002 (#3191)

Hi
No, Im not leaving, Im fourteen so they cant take me unless my mum agrees anyway, love you all,
Ella x

Re: hiding always hiding
Posted by She on Tue May 21 17:34:54 2002 (#3211)

xxxxxxxxxxx

i want to die
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 20 02:42:32 2002 (#3180)

i feel so horrible today. i know there's not much just posting that here, but i am having such a bad day, bad week....etc. i just feel like complaining. its not like anyone in real life will listen. its just like each time i think i can keep going the other shoe comes swinging down and knocks me back on my a$$. its like i cant get back up the world is holding me down. so i just want to cry and whine.
Later, Vapor

Re: i want to die
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 02:57:48 2002 (#3181)

try to hang in there i am here for you and will listen, where are you from? just wondering, you are a great person and help me alot and i will be here for you just talk or e-mail me take care xxxErryn

Re: i want to die
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 20 03:39:16 2002 (#3182)

from new york city.
thanks.

why doesnt HTML work in messages? ggrrrrr *NM*
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 20 05:16:20 2002 (#3185)