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Threads 651 to 675

hmm....
Posted by Star (amz ) on Fri May 10 12:04:34 2002 (#2883)

Hey just a quick post here, i still feel alone i guess but in different ways, a little isolated i think but do i isoplate myself? accrording to my b/f i do and concentrate on being apart from them all so much that i feel alone..i guess i do thinkive lost my 2 best friends now (well part form my sis :) but i guess i need something to show me what i do. i know i make my boyfriend feel a lone as well as i wont confide sometimes i mean shit ive known him for 5 years and been with him for a total of about 2 i should b able to do that by now i should be able to say what i mean, instead i keep quiet hoping he can read my mind so i dont have to say it, i try not to hide stuff like that with him as i love him and want him to know what i mean but i sometimes get the impression hes sees me as very hard work.
Sorry for this rant.
Take care
Love and thoughts of peace
Amz xxx

have you ever been in room full of friends and you dont recognise there face? have you ever looked in the mirror and wished you could change....xx

Re: hmm....
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 10 17:07:08 2002 (#2885)

i know what you mean... but being close to other people means understanding them -- similar interests, etc... but if i dont understand myself, if i dont even know who i am, how am i supposed to be able to be with other people?
Later, Vapor

Re: hmm....
Posted by She on Fri May 10 23:06:46 2002 (#2895)

I know what you mean.
Loads of love hugz flowers and a funny pink car
She

Re: hmm....
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 11 12:16:08 2002 (#2913)

Hi
Yeah I feel exactly the same. I hate and annoy me so how and why should I expect any one else to like me? Thats why I hide it all... When I'm out smiling and lauthing pretending its all right and that I dont really want to die and cut untill I feel faint, I almost hide it from myself. I dont just hide it from them, I hide it from myself.
I am a lie.
Love Ella x

Re: hmm....
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:51:22 2002 (#2976)

I understand so much. I wish I could get out of this cycle that I'm in but I can never seem to make it stop.

Re: hmm....
Posted by Star (amz ) on Tue May 14 12:04:57 2002 (#2994)

Hi, thanks everyone for ur replies it helped to know ur there, im feeling a bit better now i guess i gotta b kinda selfish sometimes and think about howi feel rather than how everyone else does.Thanks again love and peace Amz x

blew it
Posted by harleycutter on Fri May 10 12:50:38 2002 (#2884)

Hi Everyone,
Well, I blew it. My meds got mixed up for an entire month and it set me into a terrible manic phase and last night, one day shy of 11 weeks clean, I cut. Oh hell, now what?
Peace,
lauren

Re: blew it
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 10 17:09:11 2002 (#2886)

Dont worry, dont obsess. its a small set back. just try to understand why it happened so you can prevent it in the future. now you can go 12 weeks.... right? hang in there.
Later, Vapor

Re: blew it
Posted by Sar on Fri May 10 21:18:33 2002 (#2891)

You'll be fine sweetie. Meds can make you like that sometimes. Don't just blame yourself. You can do it like Vapor said, 12 weeks this time. Maybe longer.

Re: blew it
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri May 10 22:21:38 2002 (#2892)

I've had set backs with the cutting. you just have to quit again. Don't let a minor set back bring you all the way back to where you were. Take care of yourself.

Re: blew it
Posted by She on Fri May 10 23:08:30 2002 (#2896)

Hay that is amazing thats is the longest i have ever know n e one to have gone without it Well done.
Keep going#
love ya
She

Re: blew it
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 11 03:55:33 2002 (#2905)

It's okay. I'm here if you want to talk. Just keep
your cuts clean and dry,okay? Take care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

HELLO
Posted by Nuni on Fri May 10 17:27:06 2002 (#2887)

Hi Everyone,
It has been a while since I came to post. I also want to let everyone know that cutting can stop being an option. I stopped counting days and weeks and months. The thing is I went from cutting to punching, to nothing. I sought peace in Jesus. Ok, so some of you are rolling your eyes. There are things that God doesn't want for us. Yes, I know what about those that have HURT us. I have a past like that. Through therapy and my Christianity I am working on forgiving those who caused me so much pain, but I am looking to forgive them for me. Because that is the only way I am finding that quietness. I haven't self-injured in a long time. I still find razor blades that I had stashed. I guess I still like them there like a safety net, but I dont resort to them. It can be done. Canada? I visit there from time to time. Like Maggie and Linda said Laura Rose and Delirious Butterfly created that house and we all added our special touch. Anyone and everyone is welcome. I also want to add that I use to SI when I was 14 and didn't even know it. Off and On I cut for 14 years. That is too long for anyone to walk around in that emotional turmoil. A lot of you are still in that age where the twenty somethings seem OLD. I'm 28 and I wish I had figured this out sooner. I don't post EVER, but I hope that I can help someone. Believe me, had I never tripped up on the old psyke board I would probably still think that I was completely alone. There are a few non SI'ers that visit like Rhonda and Linda. They are really sweet and supportive. Well, I hope you all take some time to read this. Take it easy.

Re: HELLO
Posted by KAT on Fri May 10 20:51:27 2002 (#2889)

you take care too.
:)
KAT

Re: HELLO
Posted by She on Fri May 10 23:11:58 2002 (#2897)

Hiya Thanx :o) ur really sweet and youve made me think (uhh ohh).
loads of love hugs and cotten candy
She

Re: HELLO
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 11 01:49:19 2002 (#2901)

hey... you are really amazing. yeh, like you i have lost track of the days and months.... its still hard sometimes, but talking to others, therapists...etc helps. and i know what its like to be alone like that too... when i was younger and i used to cut myself i didnt realize that other people did it too... it was just something i did. i read an artice about a girl who cut herself, but what i did and what i read about her didnt connect in my head as the same thing until years later... its like i knew what self-injury was but it never dawned on me that what i was doing was the same... wierd huh?
Later, Vapor

Re: HELLO
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 11 03:57:46 2002 (#2906)

Love ya Nuni!!!!
Rhonda

Re: HELLO
Posted by Maggie on Sat May 11 08:09:24 2002 (#2908)

Nuni is awesome and knows what shes talking about...take her advise seriously.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GIRL!!!!!!!!!
Huge Hugas
Maggie.

((((((((((((((((((Nuni))))))))))))))))
Posted by Linda on Sat May 11 22:27:14 2002 (#2923)

Hey there!!! It was so good to hear something from you again. I have not forgotten you and it is such a blessing to see that you are finding that precious hope that is available every day and new every morning!! He is our peace and comfort. I praise the Lord for your spiritual growth. Don't forget that you are just a "baby" but NOTHING can ever take your new birth away from you!!!! Love and prayers!

New Meanings!
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri May 10 20:05:37 2002 (#2888)

The Cutters Guide to Life
Part IV
The New Revised Dictionary of Misused Words

Parents: (See Denial)
Addiction: A very short phase, as this condition will usually mutate into obsession then into your whole life
Friends: Back Stabbers
Self-Mutilation: (See Self-Harm)
Self-Harm: (See Self-Injury)
Self-Injury: (See Self-Mutilation)
Depression: 'Just a phase'
Crap: Life
Therapists: People in genuine need of therapy
Trust: No one
Emotions: A knot of negatives, which twist to fill the empty expanse, which once was filled with hope

Anyone else got any ideas? Lol!
Ella x

Re: New Meanings!
Posted by Sar on Fri May 10 21:16:59 2002 (#2890)

Hate: (See Greed)
Greed: (See love)
Love: (See self-mutalation)

there's my two cents right now. Damn pessimistic moods.

Re: New Meanings!
Posted by She on Fri May 10 23:17:30 2002 (#2898)

Love:pain
Blood:realife
Psyciatrists:paid to piss people off
Social serveses:deaterment to wreak peoples lifes

but assure you its "for the best"

Hurm cat think of n e thing ealse
Love ya
She

Re: New Meanings!
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 11 01:50:46 2002 (#2902)

that was great! lol
Later, Vapor

Re: New Meanings!
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 11 03:59:14 2002 (#2907)

Those are all really good!! Ya'll take care of
yourselves.
Love, Rhonda

Re: New Meanings!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 11 12:32:47 2002 (#2917)

lol! I'm glad you like it! Now you all know how sad I am and that I have no life and nothing to do but design little dictionarys! haha, I am very honoured for all of your additions, I will add them to the cutters guide to life, coming to a bookstore near you!!!!
Love ya,
Ella, only slightly psyco!

Re: New Meanings!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:20:01 2002 (#2972)

scars: roads to freedom
parents: executioners

ok, I'm not very good at this!! They were great though, love ya! x x

miss everyone...
Posted by marie on Fri May 10 22:59:22 2002 (#2893)

I haven't written in a really long time, and many of you probably don't even know/remember me. I wish I could steal away to CANADA... I haven't cut in 8 whole months!!! I'm happy, but tired... tired of fighting the urge. I refuse to give in though. There is hope out there... and help. Love to all my friends and a big hello and hug to everyone I haven't met yet... love to all

Re: miss everyone...
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri May 10 23:31:38 2002 (#2899)

I am so happy that you are doing so well. You can fight those urges, I know you can.

Re: miss everyone...
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 11 01:53:47 2002 (#2903)

...i feel the same! fighting is so hard and it all just leads back to that apathetic feeling that leads to depression that leads to cutting. but i know i have to fight it and stay strong... there is no giving up now...
Later, Vapor

Re: miss everyone...
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 11 11:27:49 2002 (#2911)

Hi
I wish I could be that strong, at the moment I'm fighting to stay alive let alone stop cutting, well congratulations, its good to know some make it through.
Ella x

Re: miss everyone...
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:49:12 2002 (#2975)

it's so good to know that people can make it. Keep fighting and you will win, I'm sure of it. love always, el x x x

I hate myself and want to die
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 11 11:33:43 2002 (#2912)

I've never felt so low in my life.
Thats saying something given the amount of times I've attempted suicide. But now I'm so far gone I can't even kill myself. I can't do anything. I hate myself. But I feel like... I don't even feel. Im just numb. But I know I've never felt like this before... I know that this is gonna kill me after all. I know when things are bad when I open the box to find a load of pills, mostly paraceitamal, I didn't even realise i'd been collecting them. I just stood and stared then I cut as usual. I'm useless. I'm sorry for boring you but I'm so tired of fighting this battle with myself.
I hate myself and want to die.
Ella x

Re: I hate myself and want to die
Posted by Marie on Sat May 11 16:52:35 2002 (#2918)

I wish I could tell you that it would magically get better or that I had an easy solution for you. I am still looking for the easy solution myself, but I can tell you that even though they've never met you and I've never met you there are people on this board who care about you and really want to see you doing well. Please feel free to e-mail me any time... I'm usually good at writing back. In the mean-time hang in there... there'll eventually be a bright spot... that's all I can promise you. love and hugs..
Marie

Re: I hate myself and want to die
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 11 20:11:23 2002 (#2919)

Hi
Thank you.
I've just had enough of having to be responsible for myself, no one cares so I have to catch myself every time I fall. I feel really bad at the moment that's all, if I make it through tonight I can make it through anything.
Ella x

Re: I hate myself and want to die
Posted by She on Sat May 11 20:21:06 2002 (#2920)

Hiya
I love you so so much sweetie pie. You have a long life ahead of you and things still have loads of time to get better .
I really care about you princess .
Loads and loads of love
SHE

Re: I hate myself and want to die
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 11 21:29:18 2002 (#2922)

you know what that means? it can only get better from here! :oP
hang in there. make a little list each day of something worth living for... you know, just little things. like the feel of the sun on your face. or a hug from a friend... it helps to get you thinking about happy things... i know its hard and its probably the last thing you want to do, but if you find one thing that makes you feel good, feel happy, feel loved, feel relief... feel anything posative then it helps to get you going in the right direction.
i dunno, you can ignore me if you want... but if you know now that you have nowhere to go but UP then just start thinking how soon can i get there? i know that at some point if someone had told me this i would have smacked them and said some choice words in their direction, so you are more than welcome to come over and kick me in the big toe if i have offended you in any way, k?
Later, Vapor

Re: I hate myself and want to die
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat May 11 22:56:50 2002 (#2924)

hiya ella! oh fuck girl im sorry your feeling so shit hun! as i am recovering from my latest suicide attempt i cant really say to much can i? ha! but still......stick around hun! you have loads to live for. i aint replying to peeps posts at the moment or writing my own just reading coz i dont have the energy.....but ill have you know i dragged myself out of bd today because i felt guilty for reading yours and not replying!!!

love ya hun....know that im here for you xxx

Re: I hate myself and want to die
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun May 12 16:45:33 2002 (#2931)

Thanks Donna and She and Vapor and every one. I did make it through last night so I guess I will survive...
Ella x

Re: I hate myself and want to die
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:16:47 2002 (#2971)

You'd better survive sweetheart!! I wish I was there to give you a huge hug and make it all better, but as I'm not then just remember I love you loads honey!!!! el x x x

This is it!!!!
Posted by Erryn on Sun May 12 01:14:06 2002 (#2925)

Hey guys, i kinda got some good news. If you can remember the woman at work(my line lead) who called the crisis line, well she has truelly changed me. The other day i cut and another friend ask her if she seen my arms, her reply was no, dont care, not going to get involved. You may think what a bitch (i did) but i feel i dissappointed her becuz she was my friend and she tried to help me. i feel really bad i was mean to her and ignored her. So after thinking about this i have decided to put the razor blades away and get better. im going to do it for my kids. So thank you all for your help, i will stay on here becuz you all are so great. take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxErryn

Re: This is it!!!!
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 02:35:34 2002 (#2926)

hey! thats really great you have decided that. remember this feeling right now. the love for your kids. wanting to move on... and remember you are not doing it just for your kids. you are doing it for yourself and your relationship with them. for your life to improve...
Later, Vapor

Re: This is it!!!!
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun May 12 05:43:24 2002 (#2927)

Congradulations for reaching a point where you are ready to quit and good luck. If you ever get the urge to do it again. Wait and write to us first.

Re: This is it!!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Sun May 12 17:46:03 2002 (#2934)

Good luck honey, I'm behind you all the way and
will support you in anything you want to do. Take
care of yourself and your wonderful kids. Have a
Happy Mother's Day.
Love, Rhonda

Re: This is it!!!!
Posted by She on Sun May 12 19:50:18 2002 (#2945)

Hiya:o)
Hay thats wonderfull . Your are a wonderfullmum be proud of your kids they sound great.
Loads of love n hugzzz
She

Re: This is it!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:12:20 2002 (#2969)

that's so great. I always knew you'd come through this in the end. I'm so happy! I love you loads sweetie, you're the best mum and the best friend anyone could have! love always, el x x x

Re: This is it!!!!
Posted by a friend on Wed May 15 03:26:45 2002 (#3022)

i am real proud of u, i know u can do it. if u ever need anyone i am here 4 u

i am drunk
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 08:22:21 2002 (#2928)

and ittds befcoming bery hrad to type rught, and peolple shouldnt be aloowwed to use computrers oand ophnes whne they habve had too much to fring ioops drink. anywewaym, i am havibng bad flashbacks now and im scared and ireally want to cut rfught now, ic ant standf it. please help me, its so hrorrivble i cant stanf it. make them sstop please please please.

Re: i am drunk
Posted by melz on Sun May 12 09:03:09 2002 (#2929)

i dont know what to say? Dont do it!!

Re: i am drunk
Posted by KAT on Sun May 12 18:25:41 2002 (#2935)

one of the worst things that you can possibly do to yourself when your depressed is drink or do drugs (illegal ones).

They push you farther down and may make you do things you've only dreamed of.

Be careful
everyone

-KAT

right or left...?
Posted by kae on Sun May 12 12:19:06 2002 (#2930)

Hey....I'm just curious....those of you who cut your arms, do you cut both or just your left arm? I've noticed that the majority only cut their left arm, mainly due to being right-handed, I guess. I cut both arms, but my left is considerably worse....
Poor old left arms....they seem to cop the most shit in life!!

Blahhh I'm in a weird mood...

kae

Re: right or left...?
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun May 12 16:48:19 2002 (#2932)

Hi
Its wierd but I only ever cut the left side of my body; my left wrist, left ankle and left leg... strange when I think about it...
Ella x

Re: right or left...?
Posted by KAT on Sun May 12 18:27:43 2002 (#2936)

lol...Kae this post was kinda funny..how you worded how the poor left arms get it all.

Yah my left arm is very very much worse then my right, but I (when I was cutting) went for both.

And various other places.

-KAT

Re: right or left...?
Posted by jennyfer on Sun May 12 18:55:39 2002 (#2941)

heh...i cut both arms and they're both "considerably worse" heh...funny thing is... that...like do u guys only cut on like the inside of your arm or only on the outside..or both like i do?? heh...sorry

Re: right or left...?
Posted by Amanda on Sun May 12 18:58:42 2002 (#2942)

i cut both eventually. im left handed so i started on my right one. i didnt ever want to cut over old scars so i moved on to the left arm after a while.

Love Trust and a Broken Mind
Amanda

Re: right or left...?
Posted by She on Sun May 12 19:53:07 2002 (#2946)

I do everything on the left side . Wierd huh.
Loads of love she

Re: right or left...?
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:09:54 2002 (#2968)

hey kae. I cut both arms but my left side seems to be a lot worse

Re: right or left...?
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 20:03:14 2002 (#2948)

both. i used to mostly cut my left and burn my right. my legs were always the worst though. both of them from ankles to hips, front and back.
Later, Vapor

Re: right or left...?
Posted by Erryn on Sun May 12 21:49:25 2002 (#2958)

i do both but my left mostly, i recently ran out of room so i started on my upper left arm. this way i can hide it more. i usually do it in the inside to take care xxErryn

Re: right or left...?
Posted by Millie on Mon May 13 20:28:56 2002 (#2977)

i do it on the left, its easier and only one arm to worry about hiding.
Millie x

Re: right or left...?
Posted by laura on Wed May 22 00:17:52 2002 (#3237)

i cut both! I feel a NEED to be at least sortv symetrical, if that makes sense, love laura xxx

Re: right or left...?
Posted by laura on Wed May 22 00:24:45 2002 (#3238)

i cut both arms and legs and sides of my body. I cut all over my arms, there isnt 1 part i havent cut! ALL OVER! Nice!v love laura xxx

A mind full of rooms
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun May 12 17:04:29 2002 (#2933)

Hi
I feel like my mind is just a collection of rooms… a room of anger which is full of glass which I just go in and smash and ruin everything, a room of unhappiness, some rooms are locked sometimes and some I can never get in. At the moment hope is locked so I have to hang around in sadness or my usual location: the room of numbness, the quiet room where you just can't feel. I've never been in a happy room, well for a long time anyway. I tried to talk to my therapist about this and she said that I'm in control and I'm the architect. But it doesn't feel like that. Sometimes there's two of me, one in the sadness room and one in some kind of fake corridor when I just pretend to feel happy or whet ever...
Sorry this probably makes no sense to you, I have a personality disorder so I guess I have an excuse! Catch you all later anyway...
Ella x
PS thanks She

Re: A mind full of rooms
Posted by She on Sun May 12 19:55:25 2002 (#2947)

Thas makes so so much sceance .You have to hang in there sweetie youll be able to get into the room of hope soon anougth untill then im here for you .
Love you loads princess
She

Re: A mind full of rooms
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 20:05:55 2002 (#2949)

hey, thats a really good analogy! it made a lot of sense to me.. i feel like that a lot too.
Later, Vapor

Re: A mind full of rooms
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:08:38 2002 (#2967)

baby you make a hell of a lot more sense than most people I know. I feel that way a lot too. Love you loads sweetie. el x x xx

Obsession
Posted by KAT on Sun May 12 18:31:23 2002 (#2937)

well I'm sure we all know that SI can easily and quickly turn into an addiction, or obsession in our own selves...but I ALWAYS !! pay very very close attention to anyone and probably everyones arms wherever I go. I want to see if they too have gone through this bullshit..
is this wierd?
does anyone else do this?

I mean it can't be too healthy, especially since Ive been goin good for a little bit now..I also get pretty obsessed with lookin at pics of SI.

I hope this doesnt sound to gross.
anyone know what I mean?

-KAT

Re: Obsession
Posted by jennyfer on Sun May 12 18:50:58 2002 (#2939)

whoa..i do the exact same things too...i just never brought it to anyones attention cuz i thought it was quite strange but...yeah

Re: Obsession
Posted by Amanda on Sun May 12 18:54:17 2002 (#2940)

Kat, i know how you feel, i am the same. i look at peoples arms, but not only that, if i see that they have/do cut then i feel like i should talk to them and tell them how they can help themselves and those around them. i also like looking at the pictures on psyke. its not gross or anything like that, its proberbly to do with curiosity. u know what your cuts look like but you also know that other people may do it differently. only a theory.

Love Trust and a Broken Mind
Amanda

Re: Obsession
Posted by Millie on Sun May 12 19:42:02 2002 (#2944)

i do it all the time. i'm ashamed of myself

Re: Obsession
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 20:08:01 2002 (#2950)

i always try to get a look at peoples arms or legs... any little scar i see i wonder about. i wonder if it could be possible. i dunno what i would do if anyone's arm i see actually had evidence of SI. i've never met anyone in real life who does this.
Later, Vapor

Re: Obsession
Posted by Erryn on Sun May 12 21:43:58 2002 (#2957)

hey i do the same thing, its like im looking for understanding. or maybe a friend. but i dont like the looks i get when they see mine. take care xxxErryn

Re: Obsession
Posted by Alana on Sun May 12 22:23:32 2002 (#2959)

I look at everyone's arms.

Re: Obsession
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 13 09:40:32 2002 (#2964)

I totally know what you mean, I look at other people's arms as well. I also get obsessed with asking people what has happened to them if they have cuts, scratches or anything.

Pictures I have a compulsion to look at

Re: Obsession
Posted by kae on Mon May 13 13:02:33 2002 (#2965)

I do that alll the time!! If anyone exposes their wrist in any way, I check it out. If I see a scar, I check for other clues that the person is a SI-er. I love wrists though...I even stare at the wrists of people who I know would never SI.

Its bizarre but fascinating....if someone is wearing a particularly large cuff or bracelet on their left wrist, I always wonder if theres an SI reason behind it....you never know.

kae

Time out From Reality
Posted by Amanda on Sun May 12 18:49:56 2002 (#2938)

ok this is just me,ive decided to chill out in Canada. im tired tonight so i thought id spend the night in my peaceful room in our big house. the shelves in my room are covreed in candles, ive lit them all tonight and some lavender oil. i like my oil burner, its black and shaped into a tribal design which twists and bends its way around the candle and the oil. it fills my room with its scent and helps me to relax myself. as i lie on my huge four poster bed, with the soft light from the candles and the gentle fragrance from the oil, my mind can finally empty and i can find a peace within myself that im not used to at all. this feeling of relief and warmth is incredible. it makes me want to find the strength and will to bring this peace from my imagination to my reality. one dy i will b bale to do it. i have random days when i feel the way i do in Canada, they are usually spent with my b/f. he is my light, my peace, and my strength. in the words of Celine Dion "You were my strength when i was weak, you were my voice when i couldnt speak, you were my eyes when i couldnt see, you saw the best there was in me. lifted me up when i couldnt reach, you gave me faith when you believed, im everything i am because you loved me." the song speaks everything i feel and i only with that i could learn to help my self i nthe way he helps me.

Love Trust and a Broken Mind
Amanda

Re: Time out From Reality
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 20:11:44 2002 (#2951)

hey, a long time ago i used to post at a different board where there was a CANADA house. same idea here i presume? a safe haven where we each get a room to imagine any way you want?
Later, Vapor

Canada
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 13 09:38:10 2002 (#2963)

I remember Canada from when I used to post here early last year.

That was when Frna, Strider, Alana, Black Rose, and many many others used to post here.

We would go to Canada, it was our safe place, and everyone from the board was there and we could all be happy.

Nicke. XX

hay ain't life wonderful???
Posted by jennyfer on Sun May 12 19:17:29 2002 (#2943)

fuck!!! ain't life wonderful?? ahh today's mother's day...stupid slut!! man i dunno..everyone's like u should appriciate your mom blah blah blah...but they don't know how many times she's fucked me over in the head...i haven't even been outta my room all day...and i think she could care less...but hay it's ok thought right?? i close my eyes when it gets too bad i think thoughts that i know are bad...i close my eyes and i count to ten hope it's over when i open them...god i wish i could count to ten and make everythig be wonderful again i hope my mom and i hope everyone else will figure out why they get mad...i hear thenm scream i hear them fight...they say these words that make me wanna cry...i close my eyes when i go to bed and i think of angels who make me smile promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big...i just don't understand how...I laugh aloud so my friends won't know that when the bell rings I just don't wanna go home...i go to my room and i close my eyes...i make believe that i have a new life...most days i hate everything...everyone and everything...

Re: hay ain't life wonderful???
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 20:16:38 2002 (#2952)

im sorry, i understand though. my whole family is out celebrating mothers day cept me. all she does is make my life horrible, i hate her. life goes on though.
Later, Vapor

Re: hay ain't life wonderful???
Posted by KAT on Sun May 12 20:54:51 2002 (#2954)

Hi there.
Nice reference to everclear.
Explains things pretty well doesnt it.

Im sorry your moms put you through hell and now today we're "supposed" to honor our mothers..

For almost 9 years of my life my mother abused me almost every night. And somehow I bring myself to give her a card thanking her for being such a 'wonderful' mother. Isnt it ironic how things work out.

I guess it's the same, Ive put her through so much hell , however on my birthdays she seems to find the way to give me presents and cards that thank me for being here.

I guess these days are the only days that arent really "real".

who knows.
take care
-KAT

Re: hay ain't life wonderful???
Posted by Erryn on Sun May 12 21:36:53 2002 (#2956)

my mom has been gone for eleven yrs so i guess i get out of celebrating it, im a mom though i would never do the things my mom did to my kids. I do not know, my mom shot herself. I love that song, i used to sing it and think about how life sucks, take care. xxxErryn

Dont respect the ones who dont respect you!!!!!

Erryn and Rhonda
Posted by She on Sun May 12 23:08:16 2002 (#2960)

I know what you mean .
Theres some wonderfull mothers on here Erryn and Rhonda I would do anything for a mother like you two have a lovly mothersday you deserve it .Your great mums:o)
Loads of love n hugz
She

Re: Erryn and Rhonda
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 13 01:22:08 2002 (#2962)

Thanks, I think you're pretty special too!!! Take
care sweetie!
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Erryn and Rhonda
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:06:13 2002 (#2966)

hey. My mum screwed me up good and proper but there are some great mums out there, especially erryn and my internet mom Rhonda. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))) for you both.

Re: Erryn and Rhonda
Posted by Erryn on Tue May 14 01:09:30 2002 (#2988)

Hey guys thank you for the compliment. I just dont want my kids to grow up lonely and sad like i did. i would rather play than clean and work. if any of you need a extra mom im here!!!!!!!!!! you can even come and visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! take care xxxErryn

Re: hay ain't life wonderful???
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon May 13 21:56:01 2002 (#2984)

i go to my room and make believe i have a new life too. it works from time to time!! hope you are ok....luv ya

stranger in the night xxx

Re: hay ain't life wonderful???
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue May 14 06:51:35 2002 (#2991)

Right there with ya! Love the everclear song. My fave band at the moment. Haven't stopped listening to that one lately. Life sure is shitty, huh? Anyway, you wanna chat about the pure shit that is life, mail me. We can rant and sing everclear. lol.

hey, im sorry
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 12 20:20:40 2002 (#2953)

sorry bout the drunken post that slipped out here last night, not that anyone really cares, but owell. i really shouldnt be allowed to access the internet when i'm drunk. im feeling the backlash of many drunken emails sent to ex-lovers and friends today. haha. what can i do? cant change it now... anyway, i made it through the night without cutting. no matter how out of it i was and how much i wanted to i think i knew that cutting wasnt really an option. i have come so far and to ruin it in a drunken rage just didnt seem right... i guess i am paying for it enough now with this headache. haha.
Later, Vapor

Re: hey, im sorry
Posted by Erryn on Sun May 12 21:30:26 2002 (#2955)

Hey sorry about the headache, i will try to be quiet!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Hey we all have to drink sometime it was rather funny. i hope you feel better soon. take care xxxErryn

Re: hey, im sorry
Posted by She on Sun May 12 23:10:41 2002 (#2961)

He he we all do things when were drunk its kinda funny.
Dont worry about the post :o)hope you feel better today.
Loads of love
She

Re: hey, im sorry
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:21:49 2002 (#2973)

lol! Don't worry about the post, I spent the whole weekend getting drunk and doing things I will regret for a long time. Sometimes we all need to get out of our head for a while. Love el x x x

back to reality
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 19:46:42 2002 (#2974)

I just spent the most amazing weekend I've ever had. I went to stay in my dad's flat in london with two friends and it was lovely. I spent the entire time incredibly drunk and doing....well things people do when they're incredibly drunk and It felt amazing. It was like I'd stepped out of myself for two days, and do you know what? I didn't cut once. That is such an acheivement for me, well it was anyway.
As soon as I got home it was like I'd never been away. I walked in the front door to find my mum screaming at my brother, they didn't even notice I was back for 15 minutes and then they didn't say hello. Mum looked at me and said "so you're back then" and when i tried to tell her what I'd done she told me to shut up and get out coz she was watching tv.
Then dad walked in and started yelling at me because he had no clean ironed shirts to wear. FUCKING HELL, he can't even switch a bloody iron on. My brother stood up and looked fairly plasede to see me. then he said "shit i'm glad you're back, they don't shit on me half as much when you're here, you get all the crap." it's so nice to know I'm appreciated isn't it?
I felt so good when I got off that train, how can they manage to destroy me in just a few minutes? So now I'm back to square one. Feeling shit and worthless, because technically that's what I am. I can pretend to be someone else for maybe a couple of days, but as soon as I get home it's back to reality, and the reality is I don't mean shit.

Re: back to reality
Posted by She on Mon May 13 21:51:24 2002 (#2980)

Hello hun
I missed you . Wow that sounds like you had fun you should gomore often you deserve it :o).
Ohhh i hate getting back of hollidays everythings all perfect and then its well not.
Love you loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads
SHE

Re: back to reality
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 22:03:21 2002 (#2986)

I missed you too!!!!!! it was great!! Just think, that'll be us in alaska soon! :-) Hope you're ok princess, LOVE YOU LOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAADSSSSSSSSSS SSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Elle x x x x

Re: back to reality
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon May 13 21:54:14 2002 (#2983)

ohh that makes me so mad....FUCK the ungratefull young man!! he needs a gud kick in the backside hun!! ill be willing to do that for ya if u like! lol!! hope ya feel better soon.......love ya

stranger in the night xxx

Re: back to reality
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 22:01:40 2002 (#2985)

Thank you sweetie!!!! it's so good to see you back!! Love ya loads! El x x x

Re: back to reality
Posted by Vapor on Tue May 14 02:57:40 2002 (#2990)

im sorry you had to go back home, but it sounds like a great weekend. i LLOOOVVVEEE London. only been there once, but it was GREAT!
Later, Vapor

Re: back to reality
Posted by Rhonda on Wed May 15 03:16:09 2002 (#3020)

Oh Eleanor,
I wish I could be there to give you all the hugs
you wanted. I'm always here for you, even though
I don't seem to get on the board as much lately.
Things goin' on with my grandma and all. Hey, could you send me a private email so I can check
you address? I've been trying like crazy to send
you letters and cards and it keeps saying there is
an error in your email address. Write me honey.
I hope things get better for you. YOu know I'm
always here. Take care of yourself sweetie.
Love, Rhonda

Ahhh I hate her!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon May 13 21:18:03 2002 (#2978)

Ahhhh
Came back from therapy a couple of hours ago: Ahhhh!!!
I hate her SO much. I can't believe I used to like her. She's just like all the rest. She said that I've got to face up to my problems and not keep running away from them, she said it as though I wanted to feel this shit, as though I do this on purpose… She will never be able to articulate the need to plunge the cool soothing edge of a blade into your leg… She will never understand my pain. Bitch. I hate her… Sorry this is really boring but my best friend has just attempted suicide and I'm not far from it either, the last thing I need to hear is that I feel like this on purpose, that I want to feel shit… Am I the only one with a shit therapist???
Ella x

Re: Ahhh I hate her!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 13 21:27:27 2002 (#2979)

OOOOOOOOh sweeheart! I'm so sorry. My therapist is a real bitch too. She's so patronising "Just go out for a walk and you'll feel better", AAAAARGH, it's so frustrating! They don't understand, people never do unless they've been through it themselves. If you want I'll coe round there and bite her for you?! lol! I love you sweetie! Look after yourself for me yeah? ((((((((((((HUGS!))))))))))))) love el x x x

Re: Ahhh I hate her!!!
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon May 13 21:52:06 2002 (#2981)

hey ella!!! oh sorry about yur friend?? hos she doing?? sorry about yur psyke aswell!!! the sily bitch just ignore her!! if you hate her that much why dont you change?? or have you changed loads already?? mine isnt that bad althouhg she is only my 1st and she may start doing my heda in soon. im going to be honest with mine i think. hmm. hope you are feeling better soon girl coz i care

stranger in the night xxxx

Re: Ahhh I hate her!!!
Posted by She on Mon May 13 21:53:44 2002 (#2982)

My Psyciatrist has really bad faciall hair.
Did you ask her about the antidepressants??She sounds odd .
I lOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEEE you
SHE

Re: Ahhh I hate her!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Wed May 15 03:19:25 2002 (#3021)

She sounds like she doesn't understand anything
about anything. HOw did she get a degree to help
people when it doesn't seem like she doing that!
All I can say is, keep looking for someone who will listen, if you can. I've said before, we went
through 4 or 5 different therapists before we found Dr. Gilbert. There are good ones out there,
they are just really hard to find. I'm here if you
ever want to talk. Take care honey,
Love, RHonda

Re: Ahhh I hate her!!!
Posted by KAT on Tue May 14 00:39:53 2002 (#2987)

Ya..if you hate your therapist I think its about time to change because other wise its a waste of your time and someones money.
I had a therapist I hated, she was my very first one.
I would go in her room and not say a godamn word, it sucked, but now I have an awsome therapist, and shes so cool....find a goood one!!
dont stay stuck!

take care
-KAT

Re: Ahhh I hate her!!!
Posted by Vapor on Tue May 14 02:56:13 2002 (#2989)

far from it. every time i go for the past year i just sit there and stare at him, how the fuck am i supposed to let this stranger in on all my secrets? brilliant idea, send a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to a male shrink. i spent the first six months cowering in the corner scared to death of him... now its just pleasentries, staring, and bye, see you next week.
Later, Vapor

Someone help me
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue May 14 06:58:51 2002 (#2992)

I really don't know what I want. Why do I think about suicide 24/7 and never do it? Five years since my first and only attempt. I cut everyday because I've managed to convince myself I can't get through a day without it. To top it off, I think I may have BPD. Oh well, at least then they'll be a reason for my fucked up exsistence. Is it me, or does life suck? My parents haven't even noticed and I've been cutting and depressed since I was 13. I'm now 18 and nothings getting better. I wish I was dead, but I don't have the guts to do it, so I guess I'll just stick to cutting. :o( I feel shit.

Re: Someone help me
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 14 09:05:31 2002 (#2993)

I'msorry youre having a bad time sweetie. I'm 18 in a few months, I've been depresed for 5 years, cutting for 2. If you ever wanna talk feel free to email me, id love 2 hear from ya! Love always, el x x

Re: Someone help me
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 14 13:04:33 2002 (#2995)

hiya hun. so sorry to hear about lal that shit! it is sooo fucking annoying isnt it?? and i do the whole thinking about suicide everyday and ive too convinced myself i need to cut everyday. im depressed and my folks pretend it aint happening so i can relate to ya 100% girl. just thought you would like to know that this therefore means you aint alone hun!! and im sure i aint the only one similar to you so dont worry. oh yeah and im 17, cutting for bout a year now. so we really are quite similar. wirte anytime you wanna talk. email me when i manage to get my damn thing up and running if you like! just watch out for my adress at a later post

anyways hope you are feeling ok hun and take care xxx

Re: Someone help me
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 00:03:44 2002 (#3008)

I'm so glad you guys know what I'm going through. I'm new here (as you may have realised). You guys all seem very close and supportive and I really like that. My friends couldn't possibly understand.

You know one friend looked up self harm on the internet and actually considered trying it to try and understand. She just doesn't get that it's not a phase...it's not like getting addicted to alcohol...it's who we are. A lot of us do it before we even understand what it is...so it's my opinion that it's innate, partly anyway.

But thanks. You're doing what my friends can't. *Hugz*

Kayleigh

Re: Someone help me
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 15 01:59:30 2002 (#3013)

hey, i have just noticed how so many people come here looking for help and dont really know what kinda help they need. sometimes just knowing someone else is out there and having a place to release is a great help. sometimes though, thats not enough. if you are borderline you should try to seek professional help to learn how to live with it. it helps a little, the coping mechanisms and stuff to kinda keep everything in check.
Later, Vapor

p.s.
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 15 02:27:34 2002 (#3019)

i forgot to tell you a great place to get info about BPD is at:

www.mhsanctuary .com/borderline

that site has helped me a LOT.
Later, Vapor

Thanks
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 03:59:04 2002 (#3026)

Thanks, I'll go check it out.

Kayleigh

blahh....people suck
Posted by kae on Tue May 14 13:09:54 2002 (#2996)

Over a week now....and no word from the counsellor I'm supposed to be seeing regularly. It seems like shes conveniently forgotten about me. I shouldn't mind.....I don't particularly enjoy seeing her....but I don't get why she does this. She sets me up thinking that she really gives a shit, and that shes going to help me, and then she ditches me until it suits her to speak to me again. I dunno....maybe I should think about seeing a pro....but fuck, my parents would need to know and they'd want to "talk" more....and they can go to hell as far as talking to me is concerned.

Blahhh......I don't know where I'm headed. I don't know if I care enough to think about it.

kae

Re: blahh....people suck
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 14 13:13:53 2002 (#2998)

ahhhh just dont think about it....fuck it hun! if your councillor cares bout u shell get in touch.....if not dont waste your time on her/him...they aint worth it!! talk to a pro if you can?? how old are you?? your parents dont HAVE to know do they?? surely not thats shit!!

take care xxxx

Re: blahh....people suck
Posted by She on Tue May 14 16:46:28 2002 (#2999)

I dont think you have to tell you pearents after you 16 my Mother dosnt know I dont plan on telling her in a rush .Or do you have a psychiatrist in school(i dont know if you go to school or not).
Good luck
SHE

Re: blahh....people suck
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 14 18:22:35 2002 (#3000)

You don't have to tell your parents if you're over 16. That really sucks sweetie, I went through the same thing with my counsellor and it's a nightmare. If you want to continue with counselling then you really should find someone who you feel comfortable with (or try to, most therapists seem to suck). Good luck hun! love always, el x xx

Re: blahh....people suck
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 15 02:00:59 2002 (#3014)

maybe shes waiting for you to contact her? tell her that you need her help? maybe shes trying not to overstep her boundry? dunno.
Later, Vapor

right you guys......
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 14 13:11:47 2002 (#2997)

im back with a vengence guys fully prepared with my questions for ya so bear with me yeah??
i could really do with some advice....

soooo my psych dude.......... im thinking that maybe telling her the full story would be a good idea bt i aint sure if i fully trust her?...but then i aint sure if ill ever fully trust anyone ever again so im confused...what do you guys think??

also........ i was just wondering what you guys thought about this..it was brought up in a discussion between my friends and i dont know??

not meaning tospark up a big argument or debate im just curious as to what you guys think..

i was with a group of friends (well i say friends....) and they got onto the discussion of suicide yeah (pissing typical and highly insensitive considering my fight lately but still..."friends") and they were going on about how people just do it for attention.
then this girl gets involved and says this which is quite an interesting thing to consider.....

she said " are you the stronger person for staying around and facing all of your shitty problems or..... are you the stronger person for finally having the guts to end your life,...?"

now i was just left completely speechless there coz for the first time i didnt have a view on it........ i usually have a view and then get in to a bifg debate to defend it but i stayed silent...strange huh?xxxxx

Re: right you guys......
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 14 18:30:55 2002 (#3001)

Hey sweetie! It's hard to learn to trust people, I think there are only about 3 people in the world that I fully trust and one of them certainly aint my psych!
That's a really tough one. I remember having this debate in my english lit class, we had this amazing teacher who is a manic depressive himself who I trust and repect with all my heart, I'd probably be dead if it wasn't for him. Anyway back to the point, we were discussing Ophelia's "suicide" in Hamlet. Well me, my best friend Gena (the one who tried to kill herself, I think I've told you bout her before?) and mr Bathy ended up in this huge argument against the whole class because we were the only one's who thought it depended on your individual circumstance. Because of what we've both been through together and seperately, we were both able to see the argument for both sides of the story. it's a tough one though, I'd be interested to hear other people's views.
Anyway hun, hope you're ok and good luck with your psych! Love ya loads, el x x x

Re: right you guys......
Posted by She on Tue May 14 19:30:27 2002 (#3002)

Hurm
I dunno what to think of suicide .I have a very small familly ,When i was prity young my Aunty commited suiside I seamed to deal with it pritty well i think i could see things better when i was young . Then a day or two later my Grandmother Overdosed on paracitaols It didnt kill untill a year afterwards she was unconsiouse in hospital for the year so me my mother and my brother spent Christmases and birthdays in the cafe there (glamerouse huh). I think that was selfish I hated her for it at the time she left a hreally nasty suiside noat that really sucked .
But then i think sometimes life is better of left and i cant say ive never felt like i should give up .
Hurm i dunno .That idnt make much sceance did it?Ohh well.
Love you all
She

Re: right you guys......
Posted by Nuni on Tue May 14 20:33:39 2002 (#3003)

Hi, I couldnt resist this one. Here it goes:

First, we all have trust issues because at one time or another someone very CLOSE to us violated that trust. We seek therapy to be able to AGAIN open that wound and TRY to trust someone that may help us. By the way these therapists are in the business for that eason alone. You have start somewhere and maybe letting your psyke dude know what is going on he/she will know what helps you. Believe me nothing you say will shock your psyke dude.
Second, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your friends may have been on to something by asking the question of what proves you stronger?. Well, how will you know if you are dead? How will you know that with help from others that can relate to you won't ever be able to help you? I guess you won't if you are dead. I can't tell you "BE STRONG" because I have been in a position where (I think) there is NO hope. But where you start is by being true to your shrink because your shrink probably can't read your mind.

Third and last, if you find that you are spilling your guts and still not getting anywhere... tell him/her that too. The worst that can happen is your psyke won't get it, but he/she has to be THICK to not. BE honest, you are only hurting you of you aren't.

Re: right you guys......
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 00:00:25 2002 (#3007)

Hey,

I don't trust anyone, but I trust everyone too much if that makes sense. I'm always suspicious and find it very hard to talk about things because my parents are not at all open about anything. When I tried to commit suicide at 13, it was never mentioned again by anyone. Five years and no one's even asked why i did it.

No one's ever violated my trust, which is why I trust people to easily sometimes. Like for example, I work in a off licence and my boss says I should watch everyone really carefully. But I trust anyone who smiles at me. Weird huh?

Sometimes I'm so contradictory, I confuse myself. I'd trust a psychologist as long as they seemed nice, because I'm that kinda person, but I would enver tell them everything...I couldn't do that. I can't trust anyone enough to tell them everything...it's just to hard. Sometimes it's better to keep quiet about things. I say, trust your psych with information that wouldn't be too damamging if it got out. Then over time, build up trust, test the relationship and eventually trust completely.

Man, I ramble, don't I? lol. Hope this helps.

Kayleigh

Re: right you guys......
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 15 02:07:26 2002 (#3015)

gosh, i could go on for days about this one, lucky for you guys ill keep it quick. i think you are stronger to stay in the fight for the long haul rather than quitting. sure, it is a fix, but sometimes to find a way out of the worst situations in life is a LOT harder than getting the guts to end it. gosh, i have so much to say i cant think of any simple way to put it all. i'll quit here.
Later, Vapor

Re: right you guys......
Posted by Nicke on Wed May 15 11:24:34 2002 (#3033)

You should take the risk, make sure you feel strong and safe enough to though. It might not be so bad, it might make her/his chances of helping you better, because they fully understand everything.

Just a thought...

Nicke.X

Re: right you guys......
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 15 20:27:52 2002 (#3039)

thanks guys........ you are all fantastic....a great help!!!! starting to open up to the shrink...one step at a time. taking it slow. thanks again luv u loads xxxx

psychologists
Posted by laura on Tue May 14 23:37:02 2002 (#3004)

hello, i was wondering if any1 has had any experiences with psychologists about self harm or related stuff, and if so what did they say/ do? im really nervuos as i have an appointment this monday with 1! i duno wot to say and i feel really embarressed and stupid! oh well, if any1 can help me, could u please email me as i may not have a chance to come on here this week! ok thanx alot, and take care every1, love laura xxx

Re: psychologists
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue May 14 23:52:54 2002 (#3005)

Hey!

I've never seen a psychologist, but I'm being refered to one and I am so nervous about it. Tell me how it goes. I hope it's okay. If you're used to talking about this, it shouldn't be too bad. Just remember you can walk out and never go back if you don't want to. Good luck!

Re: psychologists
Posted by laura on Tue May 14 23:54:04 2002 (#3006)

thanx, i will tell u how i get on!!! love laura xxx

I've been to one guys
Posted by Sar on Wed May 15 00:44:36 2002 (#3009)

It's not a big deal. The doctor just talks to you and shit. Mine is down to earth and shit. It's not all that bad. Sometimes they are cheesy but that's their job. My Mom said that if I told mine about me cutting that he would probably just talk it out with me and put me on meds and shit. Oh rah :( More meds. *heh* Anyway, they won't put you in the hospital or anything if you are not a harm to yourself or anything hun. gotta go now tho

Love always,
Sar

Re: I've been to one guys
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 01:18:19 2002 (#3012)

I think I am a danger to myself. Has anyone here ever been put away somewhere because of this? I want to know what it's like. Sometimes I think it'd be a good idea.

Kayleigh

Re: I've been to one guys
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 15 02:18:18 2002 (#3017)

i have never been, but my best friend (from online who i have known for years) has. it didnt really help her. once she had a good time there, but the other two times she hated it. she says all you do is hang out with the other kids and go to group therapy and to individual therapy. i wouldnt suggest volunteering to go tho... try to get into like a day program or something cause then you get the benefits without having to be 'in jail'
Later, Vapor

I've been 'inside'
Posted by Nicke on Wed May 15 11:21:53 2002 (#3032)

I once tried to kill myself, someone phoned the ambulance but I refused so they phoned the police.

I was arrested and taken to hospital. At the hospital they told me that if I didn't go to the psychiatric ward then I would be arrested and taken to the cells.

I don't know if they reallly could have done anything, they just MADE me go there.

I was there for a week. I had to stay until the psychiatrist came to see me. I had cut my wrists in am attempt to kill myself. I used to cut but on the outside of my lower arms. Nowhere near my wrists. All the psychiatrist could say about my wrists was, "It doesn't matter, she has a self-harm problem anyway."

By this time, I had decided that maybe the help would be goo, only to have mine "rubbish" my suicide attempt.

Not all are like that though.

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

To Kayleigh
Posted by Rhonda on Wed May 15 03:32:37 2002 (#3023)

We had to put Tara in a hospital when she threatened to kill herself and make sure I found
her body. Even though I didn't want too, we called
the local police and told them what was happening
and they ask us to bring her down to the station.
They were really great and helped us a lot. After
haveing an emergency review at a local mental
health, Tara was deemed to be a threat to herself
and others. At this point, it was basically out of
our hands. She was transfered to Oklahoma City to
a hospital that deals with teens like this. At first, she didn't believe we would leave her there, she thought we were just scaring her. About
2 hours later, they let us see her for 2 minutes
and the look in her eyes is something I will never
forget. She was terrified! I almost backed out and
took her home, but my husband said we had to do this for her own safety. He was right. I really
didn't want to wake up the next day or two and find her dead in the room she shared with her younger sister. Later on (about 2 years) she said
that was the best thing we could have done for her. It made her realize that we did love her
and would do anything for her. I can't say she had a good time, cause she didn't. It was really intense, but it did help her. Sorry this has gone on for so long. I just like to let people know that there is hope, even if it is a small hope.
I'm always here if you ever want to talk and I hope that Tara's story will help you out in some
way. Take care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

Re: To Kayleigh
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 03:54:39 2002 (#3025)

Thank you for that. It really puts things into perspective. It was an amazing thing you did, I wish there was someone who would go to lengths like that to help me.

Thanks again,
Kayleigh

Re: psychologists
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 15 02:14:25 2002 (#3016)

well, my psychiatrist knew about my self-harm before i even met him. so it was never an issue of how to tell him. at first he wanted to put me in the hospital but i am very good (sometimes too good) at talking my way out of things. he asked me not to cut and told me to call any time i wanted to. i never called. i would keep it from him whenever i cut. but eventually as i started to trust him we talked about it honestly. why i did it... etc. and it got to the point that i was ready to move on - that somehow SI didnt really seem like an option anymore. i would slip up every once in a while but he never was mad or upset. a little dissapointed but he knew i was on the road to quitting. i guess i just kinda changed my patterns so that it was no longer something i relied on. i dont really know why or how this happened as i still think about it all the time, but for some bizzare reason, fate maybe?, he has helped me reach a point where i dont cut anymore.
Later, Vapor

~*~Nameless~*~
Posted by Sar on Wed May 15 00:53:12 2002 (#3010)

My Mom and I talked today about something which led to me telling her I cut. She just smiled and said she knew. She knew they were not cat scratchs. I almost lost it. But she said she understood. She has a form of self mutaltion also. So we understand eachother. She knows I'm not going to kill myself so this helps a bit. I don't feel so bad. I don't have to hid from my Mom. My Dad is a different story though. I dunno if I'll tell him. He can keep thinking our cats are evil to me if he ever notices. Heh.
But she told me I didn't have to tell Tim... My doctor... well.. One of my doctors anyway, heh, that I cut or anything. So since she understands I feel better. I have a few forms of self mutalstion and have since I was small I guess. So the cutting just adds. It helps to have a parent understand and to have others to talk to. So I'm always here for anyone. Even if you just wanna go off or something.
AIM: TrueDarkLove
MSN: demonic_angel_2 003@hotmail.com
YAHOO: suga_n_spice_chick_03

~*~*~*~*~*~Love always~*~*~*~*~*~

~*~Sarah~*~

Re: ~*~Nameless~*~
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 01:16:42 2002 (#3011)

I'm so glad you've had a good experience telling your mom. I'm working up the courage to do the same and this really helps. Thanks.

Kayleigh

Re: ~*~Nameless~*~
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 15 02:24:21 2002 (#3018)

eww, it creeps me out thinking about parents and self-injury together. i dunno. my self-injury roots in part from sexual abuse so for me thinking about the self-harm and parents and having to confront them about it is kinda like walking in on your parents having sex or having your parents walk in on you. it gives me such a creepy, yucky feeling. i hate it.
i am really glad that your mom understands and you guys have such a great relationship - i cant even begin to imagine what that is like! i hate my mom and the worst thing that has ever happened to me was her finding out about my cutting.
Later, Vapor

p.s. how does your mom self-mutilate? it makes me wonder if the children of cutters will grow up to be the same? i know sometimes that children of women who suffer from ED's are more likely to develop one themselves.

Re: ~*~Nameless~*~
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 15 09:06:39 2002 (#3031)

I'm so glad you had a good experience. My mum found out through a teacher at school and it wasn't a pretty sight. Take care of yourself, love always, el x x x

Vapor
Posted by Sar on Wed May 15 12:50:50 2002 (#3035)

She picks scabs onto her head then keeps them open. She keeps them from healing and sometimes she just puts them there. I had never thought of it at self mutalation before though until she said it was.
It's weird to think I never thought I had any acts of S.I. Before I cut. And now to find out I have like 4 kinds. Sheesh!

Re: Vapor
Posted by She on Wed May 15 16:30:48 2002 (#3036)

Wow that must be so amazing.My mother understood the drugz But i d0ont think she would ever understand this. Hurm .
Love
SHE

Re: Vapor
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 05:52:47 2002 (#3106)

hey i do that too- i never get my hair cut because my whole scalp is raw! its like an OCD thing though i think.
Later, Vapor

Re: Vapor
Posted by Sar on Fri May 17 12:45:26 2002 (#3129)

It's kind of a OCD thing but it is also a anxiety and self injury thing too.

Re: Vapor
Posted by Vapor on Sat May 18 01:05:03 2002 (#3133)

wow,, wierd i pick at my head like that so much i dont even realize im doing it anymore. i just was crusing through the messages and i realized as i read this, i had one hand on the track pad and the other on my head.... wierd.
Later, Vapor
p.s. yeah i know its a self-injury thing, anxiety thing too i was just saying that for me its a compulsion too.

Dad
Posted by Sar on Wed May 15 21:50:00 2002 (#3040)

Told my Dad too. He just asked why. Not the response I looked for. But a good one. I guess in some ways I do have an ideal family. huh?

Re: Dad
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 15 21:51:59 2002 (#3041)

it sounds like you do. my dad went ape shit which was not good. love el x

thinking
Posted by one on Wed May 15 03:45:14 2002 (#3024)

i have been thinking of cutting what to do

Re: thinking
Posted by KAT on Wed May 15 04:55:48 2002 (#3029)

think about it some more, think about the negative affects of the act..try and get around it by doing an alternative:walking around, writing, watch tv, call someone, draw!,..

these things can help but if your like me and none of those things ever worked try something unique to you.

take care
re think it
but dont beat yourself up if you go through with it
-KAT

BPD
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 04:06:48 2002 (#3027)

Yep, I've checked out the guidelines of BPD and I think I might have it. Anyone here know what I should do or what will happen if I try and get help?

Kayleigh

Re: BPD
Posted by KAT on Wed May 15 04:52:01 2002 (#3028)

well if you try and get help in a good facility then you probably will get the help that you need.

I have BPD and it's hell...now that I look back on it, I can totally see how it affected my life in a horrible way, I am on 3 meds these days.
Been on 1 of them for 2 years and Ive gotten progressivly better.
Im doing very well now , even with BPD.
there's help..dont be afraid to find it
-KAT

Re: BPD
Posted by Kayleigh on Wed May 15 05:02:43 2002 (#3030)

I know this is kinda personal and really hard questions, but I need to know more about BPD from a sufferer, no mediacl crap. What are the bad things? How does it affect your every day life and how did you realise you had it?

Thanks and feel free to not answer if I'm making you uncomfortable.

Kayleigh

Re: BPD
Posted by KAT on Wed May 15 23:18:46 2002 (#3051)

actually it was kind of a shock because when I got diagnosed with it they were calling it a different name, so I thought something totally different, but when I found out that what I was diagnosed with and BPD were the same thing I was kind of shocked.

Things fit together more after that. I was diagnosed after my first suicide attempt almost 2 years ago in a hospital.

You can read up on it on any website about it and theirs lots of books. Its fairly common...unfortunatly.

My moods used to be so off...something minor to someone else would set me into a spiral in which I would dig into my skin and have to seek medical attention, then leading to suicide attempts.

I fell for very stupid things and wound up in a lot of trouble with myself and with everyone else in my life.
Now that I know I have this, I can think before I speak because I know what will come out might not be accurate..you know?

take care
-KAT

What is BPD?
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 16 12:13:41 2002 (#3063)

Just wondering what is was or what the symtoms were...Just curious, guess nosy really, trying to find out more about what people are going through on here!!!!

Nicke.XX

Re: What is BPD?
Posted by KAT on Thu May 16 23:54:45 2002 (#3084)

By my understanding it is Bi-polar disorder.

If it wasnt meant that way boy do I feel dumb, but yeah.

The symptoms are one minute your very happy overly happy and the next you hate everyone and want to die...or something like that.
its just one high to one deep low.

Un-normal mood swings.

Raed up on it
its very common

KAT

Re: What is BPD?-Correction!!
Posted by KAT on Fri May 17 01:14:36 2002 (#3096)

Borderline Personality Disorder

Re: What is BPD?
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:11:28 2002 (#3109)

oh, then i guess i feel dumb, i thought we were talking about borderline personality disorder. oops. they shouldnt give two conditions the same acronym!
Later, Vapor

Re: BPD
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:07:29 2002 (#3108)

the worst for me was i guess i was so emotionally tired all the time. everything was to the extreme. i live like a crazy person for the most part. passionte i call it. borderline they call it. i cant find the medium between absolute love and absolute hate. i go from extreme idealation to complete devaluation. i was always head over heels in love or fuming mad. i have gotten a lot better at controlling my temper though. i think another aspect is the self-destructive behaviors. like i got in three car accidents the first two months i was driving. i would f*ck anyone and their mom in an attempt to be loved. i dunno what else...
feel free to ask me.
Later, Vapor

Re: BPD
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:01:23 2002 (#3107)

i was diagnosed with it about a year ago. i had to go through a bunch of psychological profiles and evaluations. i had never heard of it. if you think you might have it try to find a therapist to evaluate you and tell you for sure. then try to get into therapy so that you can learn how to make day to day life bearable.
Later, Vapor

Weird!!!
Posted by Nicke on Wed May 15 11:48:09 2002 (#3034)

I can;t actually explain to people why I feel like shit again.

I mean, I was depressed last year, worked through things, which I thought i had got over, only to find that I am down again. I don't think that it caould be the same problems as last time, but I was thinking about this last night and maybe I won't let myself think that it is the same problems, because everyone put so much effort into helping me.

I don't want to let them all down by not actually being better!!

Does anyone else worry about that?? Not wanting to 'put' on anyone else, that you are not worthy of their attention.

I feel that if i tell people that they will think I am just looking for attention.

I am 18 and live on my own. I have no contact with my family, and since becomming depressed I have pushed all my friends away. So I have no-one, excpet my support worker, who visits me once a week. I feel that I am asking for too much when I talk to her, because she doesn't only work with me.

It is funny, because I don't feel as alone when i am on my own. I feel more alone when i know that there are people that are 'there for me' but I can't speak to them. I feel that I can't approach them.

Shit this has gone on a bit. Just scared now because i feel that i will always be alone. No one will want me with my scars all over my arms... What if I start to feel alone in those times when I don't feel alone???? If that makes sense. I just think that maybe this loneliness is gonna sweep over me and there will be nobody...nobody to want me..

But in a way I don't want anyone, or maybe I just don't feel worthy of their attention.

I don't know!!!!!

Sorry it has gone on a bit. Nicke.XX

Re: Weird!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 15 16:49:15 2002 (#3037)

Hey. I feel like that, not wanting to "put" on anyone. All my friends found out about my SI for reasons which I couldn't control and they were all really weird about it apart from 2 people. They say that I can always talk to them etc etc but they've got their own lives to worry about and I don't want to be a burden. But then they get upset when I don't talk to them and think I'm pushing them away like I did everyone else. It's pretty much a no-win situation.
Take care sweetie. Love always, el x x

Re: Weird!!!
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 15 20:26:08 2002 (#3038)

hey your psychic!! funny you should say that coz thats exactly what im feeling right now....not wnating to "put" on my friend. hmm. what are we like eh? i dunno. tut tut

hope you are okies.... and by the way are you new???? i dont recognise your name? or are you someone from the distant past?? well anyways HELLLOOOOO!!!!!! im 17 year old very bossy babbling girly called donna xxxx

Re: Weird!!!
Posted by Erryn on Wed May 15 22:20:56 2002 (#3048)

hey i feel like that alot, im 26 and on my own i have two kids but i feel alone, i caused a big problem at work one day, with ppl asking questions that the ones i feel i can trust are afraid to talk to me so they dont make me mad, its a mess to, if you ever need anything just ask, take care xxxErryn

ps i feel nobody will want me with my scars either.

Re: Weird!!!
Posted by KAT on Wed May 15 23:22:37 2002 (#3052)

Ive had a similar feeling.
I was doing soo so well a few months ago, I mean I was going off my meds for once, gettin out of intense therapy and then all the sudden I start cutting again and everyone thought I was perfectly fine...

I didnt want to let them down because they had spent so much money and time on getting me better, but it doesnt work that way as I see now.
It doesnt only take effort and time it takes something more..which Im not sure of.

I fell harder then before and it was no good...but Im getting back up there.
dont expect to stay better once your gettin better, not trying to sound negative its just that things are tough and I guess just because things are going smooth one second doesnt mean they will the next
take care

-KAT

Thanx....guys...oh, Stranger in the Night?
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 16 09:49:19 2002 (#3060)

Thanx, guys,

Guess it's good sometimes to just know that I am not alone.

Oh, Stranger in the Night, I am sort of new. I used to post on here, last year about Jan to May.

So, I am new to the people here!!!

Nicke. XX

Re: Weird!!!
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 17 06:15:55 2002 (#3110)

i know exactly how you feel. i have no clue why all of a sudden i am falling back into depression after i felt like i pulled myself up. then i doubt that i was ever really happy, maybe i just pretended for other people. i mean i hide what i feel so i didnt really have any choice but to make those around me see me get better. not that they would care anyway.
Later, Vapor

Re: Weird!!!
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 17 09:51:16 2002 (#3126)

Yeah, I think I pretend to other people that much that I don't really know how I feel.

i guess the way to get on is to be true to ourselves, in whatever form that may be.

Nicke

aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 15 21:54:42 2002 (#3042)

I feel like i'm going crazy. i really need somebody to talk to, I can't stand sitting here staring at the screen anymore. is there anyone there? sorry to be a pain

Re: aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 15 22:01:44 2002 (#3043)

im still here babes xxx

Re: aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 15 22:06:31 2002 (#3044)

hi. this is stupid, i'm going mad! I've been left at home looking after the kids (no change there then) and I can't cope. aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, what's wrong with me?? Sorry, i'll shut up now lol! how are you?

Re: aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 15 22:11:13 2002 (#3045)

aaaaaaaargh how annoying!!! im just about the same as i was when i emailed oyu earlier....feeling soorry for myself!!! ah well! so u silly moo..eeerrr cant think of out else to say..... ee bi gum ecky thump

Re: aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 15 22:14:24 2002 (#3046)

we're a right pair aren't we?! hehe!

Right back at ya...........
Posted by Sar on Wed May 15 22:18:01 2002 (#3047)

Like I said numb nuts you wanna rant or talk, IM me. I'm usually always on. *tickles* Sorry *hugs*

Re: Right back at ya...........
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 15 22:23:25 2002 (#3049)

My IM thingy isn't working at the moment. goddamn computer, the only things that bloody work on it are this, a buffy the vampire slayer fansite and my hotmail addy. I hate the stupid thing!! Oh well...you've gotta laugh haven't you?!

Re: Right back at ya...........
Posted by Sar on Thu May 16 12:31:14 2002 (#3064)

*hugs*
Take a death relaxing breath. Good... Now punch the computer.
Don't you feel better?
*smiles*
Hope today is better

Re: Right back at ya...........
Posted by She on Thu May 16 19:16:40 2002 (#3075)

Hiya el
How are you.Look im here now........but you probably arent.Ohh well ill e mail you in a min .
LOve you
She