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Threads 601 to 625

my two cents
Posted by the original elle on Thu May 2 00:46:35 2002 (#2646)

just to comment about the whole "what this board has become" discussion. people are right, it is different. but none of us have any right to say "what it should be" to tell people what is appropriate subject matter and what isnt. i wish some people would realize that this board changes everyday and we may miss what it was, but thats not to say what it has become is wrong (this has nothing to do with amanda's post). i have noticed though that people post a lot of their everyday life here which may be overwhelming to those addicted to reading every post. you guys might want to try Open Diary. its really cool. you can read other peoples diaries and they can leave notes on yours too if you want. then maybe psyke could focus more on recovering from depression and dealing with self-injourous behavoir. i know how good it feels to know that other people out there can understand you and what you do, but remember not to get so sucked into this place. i know from experience, it can be unhealthy. so good luck to you all. i hope you live long, happy lives free of self-harm.

~elle~

p.s. dont bother replying to me, cause i dont intend on coming back here any time in the near future, im just too busy...

website
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu May 2 01:27:45 2002 (#2650)

I found a pretty good website that someone made about how they stopped cutting. It's pretty good. if you want to check it out, the address is

www.angelfi re.com/bc3/secondchance

Jue?
Posted by KAT on Thu May 2 01:40:32 2002 (#2651)

anyone know where, or how Jue is?

I went to the search of this site, like I often did on the old board to read how I've progressed or degressed through my posts on the board.
I actually saw a huge change, for the better mostly, which was nice.

But I looked back and I found that not many people posted, however Jue and also Crimson Tears helped me through some of the worst nights Ive had in the past year and a half.
Just wondering if anyone here...since I see "old" people are coming back to the board and reading around, if Jue is alright??

-KAT

just checking in
Posted by mego on Thu May 2 04:31:31 2002 (#2652)

hey guys, i'm just checking in. i haven't cut in a week maybe, i'm not sure, hard to keep track of things sometimes. right now im buzzin pretty good right now (smokin, poppin a few pills, all that good shit) and i dont even really remember getting onto the computer to post this, so it might not sound too good. that makes it sound bad. i dont know what it is. ummm... okay, i've only cut once since my p's found out. no hospital, no psychiatrist. friends who dont know, wearing short sleeves, tons of makeup on my arm. scar fader called...i dont know. shit. natural logix of something. it works, if anyone wants to try it. i'm on here now and everything is so different from what the old board was. it seems like everyones falling apart. don't fall apart guys. i didn't post any advise, i'm sorry, but i cant right now. i dont know what to think about anything. i've been chillin with this kid jeff a lot lately, he makes me feel so good about myself now, i wonder what will happen later... i dont wanna think about it. trying to just handle everything one day at a time. trying so hard not to cut but the knife i stole and keep hidden in my room in place of the razor my mom took away keeps coming up in my mind. i've been taking too many pills, to much diet medicine, too much everything, but at least now i wont end up in a hospital, right? and now i can smile and laugh like everyone else. alright. thats it. the end. goddamn. i sound like my mom when shes drunk. like tonight and last night and the night before. oh well. thats life. if you wanna talk to me, e-mail me, if not, oh well. i don't know if i'll be back on here, might be pointless to post a response.

Re: just checking in
Posted by She on Thu May 2 20:32:30 2002 (#2675)

Hiya!
Its lovly to here from you .
Keep safe
loads of love n hugs
She

Site news
Posted by Morten Wulff on Thu May 2 11:11:26 2002 (#2657)

News in brief

psyke.org is moving to a new self-hosted server within a week (hopefully!)
I'm going to be offering free diaries and (much) easier story/poetry submissions to registered users (registration will -- of course -- be completely free!)

News in depth

As some of you know, I've had quite a few problems with the hosting company because of this site.

As a direct consequence of that, I've decided to buy and configure my own web server to host psyke.org.

I've got the hardware and internet connection (kindly donated by my employer, w ww.tem.dtu.dk) sorted out and I hope to move the site to the new server within a week. This means that ww w.psyke.org may be down for a day or two while I move the content to the new server. If you experience any problems when after the move, please contact me here: wulff@ratatosk.net

I'm going to use a new piece of software to manage the site. This means that psyke.org will be able to offer free diaries to registered users (registration is of course free!). It also means that story/poetry submission will be _much_ easier than it is now.

While I'm at it, I'm working on a redesign of the site. I would love to hear you comments -- a preview can be found here:
http://www.psyke.org/beta/

If you have any ideas, wishes or other thoughts for the new site, please let reply to this post ;-)

love,

Morten Wulff
psyke.org owner and admin

Re: Site news
Posted by carpet bag on Thu May 2 19:37:58 2002 (#2668)

I don;t like seeing how many views each post has had. its depressing when you know how many have read it but noones answered

xx

Re: carpet bag!!!!
Posted by louise on Thu May 2 21:05:12 2002 (#2677)

hello carpet bag!!! there you go....i have responded to your post even though it was not meant for me!!!

but yes....seriously i can see where he/she is coming from. some people may take it more personally than others? i dont know xxx

Re: carpet bag!!!!
Posted by She on Fri May 3 16:45:31 2002 (#2690)

Ohh were moving god im nervouse its exiting though.I dunno i cant think of many things hurrm.
i dunno ill try to think harder .
Well ill get back to it n e way.
love n HUGZZZZZZ
SHE

Re: carpet bag!!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 11:09:54 2002 (#2704)

Hi
Yeah I know how you feel, sometimes when I post poetry and stuff it says 24 views and out of that one person or no one replys so you feel like shit!
Ella x

Prozac Nation
Posted by Eleanor on Thu May 2 13:35:20 2002 (#2658)

Hey guys. I was just wondering if any of you had read the book prozac nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel? I read it years ago before I was depressed and remember thinking what a stupid, moaning cow the woman was, but now I've just started reading it again and I've found myself relating to so many parts of it that seemed ridiculous to me before. It's strange how things change isn't it?
Hope everyone's ok. Love to all, elle x x x

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 2 17:05:35 2002 (#2660)

I havnt read it but Im on the libarys computer now so I have no excuses! I'll get it out if they have it.
Ella x

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by cindy on Thu May 2 20:08:24 2002 (#2669)

I read it about a year ago and her thord book: "more, now again" quite recently. the sequel doesn't deal with depression but her drug addiction and it was scary to see that despite recovering from her depression partly in the first book she was still having problems. however. i'd still recommend both-and I'd agree with saying that I can relate to some stuff she says-she has a way of putting the darkest of pain down so well on the page. xox

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by louise on Thu May 2 21:08:37 2002 (#2678)

hello eleanor! yes i can relate to your view point. my opinions of certain things have changed over the years. in fact when i was about 14....a long time ago it seems now.......i knew someone who cut themselves and i shamefully labelled her as an attention seeker. funny how things change isnt it??

louby lou xxxx

p.s. no i have not read that book myself but i have been told to recommend it to people.

channeling the anger
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 2 17:23:33 2002 (#2663)

Hi
I think a lot of people have the wrong idea about anger, or rather they channel thier anger in the wrong direction. When I think about it, rather then letting this anger fester and hatred grow for myself, my father and this life that I lead, I could direct it into something else. I was born angry, had this anger inside me ever sinse I could remember. But I could direct it at the UKs policy on Asylum seekers. Or Human Rights, the wars which our country is secretly fighting and keeps hidden from society. All I need to do is to haul myself out of this mind set and rather then letting the anger be the cloud on my horizon, use it to make something of my life. I think every one can do this. I just need to sort myself out then I can repay the world for giving me a second chance after the suicide attempts.
Ella x

Re: channeling the anger
Posted by Eleanor on Thu May 2 20:17:19 2002 (#2670)

I know what you mean. I channel all my anger and hurt into harming myself when I could use it to do something worthwhile. I've decidied to use some of it to raise more awareness of si in my book, but I want to do more good than that. As soon as I've sorted my head out a bit then I'm going to use my anger in a way that will benefit people and not be so detremental to myself. Love ya girl!!! elle x x

Re: channeling the anger
Posted by louise on Thu May 2 21:02:57 2002 (#2676)

an interesting thought ella. if only everyone could actually carry your suggestion out. if only we all had the strength to leave the blades behind.

we will eventually. good luck with the channeling of your anger, i wish you every success

louby lou xxxx

Re: channeling the anger
Posted by She on Fri May 3 16:47:00 2002 (#2691)

Hay thats a cool idear .
ill give it a go .
Thanx
SHe

Millie
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 2 17:40:35 2002 (#2666)

Hi Millie
Ok, you dont have an email so I'll write this on the board:
I hope you dont think I was on Crimsons side or anything, I was on no ones side. I could relate to how she felt but I can also relate to how you feel. This guilt that I might have offended or hurt you is eating me up...
I'm only a year older then you, so I know what its like at school and all that shit so your not alone and I hope I havnt hurt you in any way. Sorry if I did. Email me if you ever want to talk.
Ella x

Re: Millie
Posted by Millie on Thu May 2 21:58:30 2002 (#2679)

hi,
no i didnt have any prblem with you agreeing with crimson tears, i didnt even have a problem with what crimson tears sed. Yeah skool is really shit isnt it??!!

Millie

Re: Millie
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 11:05:41 2002 (#2703)

Hi
No, I didn't agree with what Crimson said, I do feel angry about people who walk around showing off thier cuts and whining but you weren't doing that... and as for school, I hate that shitty place SO much!
Ella x

Thinking Thinking always Thinking....and CANADA
Posted by Amanda on Thu May 2 22:42:24 2002 (#2680)

ok so i thought bout wot you all have said and maybe i should have worded my post differently. it wasnt meant as "whining" it was just me commenting on how different this board is to the old one. i dont think i feel like this because ive stopped cutting...because i havent stopped. not totally. there are still the cuts that i tell myself arnt there, then no one else knows either. but any way im sorry to anyone who was offended it wasnt meant like that.

anyway, one thing that i do think might help some people here is Canada. i know it has helped me so many times in the past. it was already around when i first went to the old board, im not sure who started it, it may have been Nuni. it was a secret place that any one could go to. we all have our own bedrooms there and you can do what you want, have any pets you want, anything like that. any time you just want to go away, go to Canada, tell us about your room and what you do there. you might think its childish but it worked for me so im sure it can work for some one else too. and id like to tell you about my room in Canada. it really big, the walls are painted a deep ruby colour and there are old black floor boards down. the walls are covered with my art, my graffitti and my poetry. i have a huge four poster bed with black curtains around it. in the corner of my room there are loads of red and black floor cusions for when my mates are around. there are no lights in my room, the place is full of candles insteadthere are hundreds of the all around my room, giving there flickering light in2 the corners of my room.

Amanda

Re: Thinking Thinking always Thinking....and CANAD
Posted by Eleanor on Thu May 2 23:05:57 2002 (#2681)

My room in canada would have panels of black lace on the walls with deep purple underneath that would show through the holes. The walls would be covered in pictures of Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, my poetry and written out song lyrics and pictures that I paint. There would be music by hendrix and zeppelin coming through the walls, and the ceiling would be painted to look like a night sky just before sunrise. There would be a big, soft bed in the middle of the room and soft lighting to make me feel safe and warm.

Thanks Amanda, that's a great idea and it did help. Sorry for being so rude before, I guess I'm just too sensitive about some things. x x x

Re: Canada
Posted by KAT on Thu May 2 23:20:43 2002 (#2682)

Amanda-Thanks for clearing up that post a little bit, just made me feel a little bit better.

Ella..
I love the room...especially the Jimi Hendrix Led Z. shit
:)
-KAT

Re: Canada
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri May 3 00:15:42 2002 (#2683)

I actually do have a room in Canada at my grandmothers house, but I'm going to start a whole new room. It is humongous with different sections in it. In the bed area, it is painted a soft cranberry red. My bed is a light wood with khaki duvet on it. In the second part of my bedroom, the walls are painted black and it is full of arcade games and a pool table to keep myself occupied.

Re: Canada
Posted by Alana on Fri May 3 02:12:21 2002 (#2684)

That's right baby, us Canadians have it made....ya....right.

Come stay with me...I have many rooms in Canada. It's my home.

Love, Alana

Re: Canada
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 11:28:37 2002 (#2707)

Hi
Sorry for being so rude before.. but CANADA sounds fantastic... I think my room would be blues fading into purples decorated with my thoughts and poetry on all of them. My bed would be a huge four poster with translucent curtain which when I shut could take all the harshness from the world and turn it into a safe haven. Above the bed in huge posters on the ceiling would be song lyrics I like. Lots of cushions and bean bags there too, the only furniture would be a wardrobe and a HiFi...
Wow, I feel better now, thanks.
Ella x

Re: Canada
Posted by She on Sat May 4 20:35:54 2002 (#2711)

I think thats a pritty cool ider
I think mine would be totaly empty with just a hot tube it .
Love
She

Re: Canada
Posted by Linda on Tue May 7 22:33:25 2002 (#2794)

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...I just had to post. This Canada dream brought back old memories. I was here when Laura Rose came up with the idea. It was a couple of years ago. I am not a cutter and rarely do I have time to come here anymore but I remember the good times. My room there was big and roomy and had a big bed in. Everything was light and airy. I am a mother of three. I did not have children until later in life so I was always very careful to make sure my children were not frightened at night...therefore, my children were in our bed for many years. We would put them in their bed but if they woke and were afraid they came and cuddled up to me. So, I offered to give a motherly cuddle to anyone who woke with nightmares. Thanks for the sweet memories!!

Gave in
Posted by KAT on Fri May 3 03:17:03 2002 (#2685)

I went 76 days without hurting myself, and I gave in TODAY.

Just not in the best of moods right now..
sorry..dont want to make this a contest of who can go the longest, just saying that I was really confident, and now Im back where I started.

So thats all
KAT

Re: Gave in
Posted by kae on Fri May 3 12:21:00 2002 (#2686)

You got that far once - you can do it again. Don't let one slip-up bring you back to square one. You're still going strong, you can still beat this. Its only natural that you should slip up a couple of times....its what makes 'giving up' for real. Its the same with smoking addictions - when people are trying to quit, they're bound to take a few puffs of a cigarette along the way. That doesn't stop them from giving up in the end....you've just got to keep pushing on.

I hope you are okay....take care.
kae

Re: Gave in
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri May 3 14:32:55 2002 (#2689)

I did the same thing. We just have to start over. Don't think of it as giving in. it is just a minor set back

Re: Gave in
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 4 00:23:50 2002 (#2699)

I'm still very proud of you KAT! It's one little slip up. I'm here if you ever want to talk.
Take care of yourself sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: Gave in
Posted by Alana on Sat May 4 07:13:42 2002 (#2702)

Hey KAT, I sent you a reply yesterday with email. I hope it lifted up your spirits a tad. Sorry it didn't arrive soon enough, so sorry. Are you ok sweets? Come talk to Miss. Alana about it and she'll try her hardest to make you feel safe and needed.
76 days is great...you're definately more courageous than myself. You're doing a great job at overcoming fears and losses, so please don't let this label you. Lets work on this ok? I will try my hardest to help you out, even if you just get a good laugh as a result of my stupid sarcastic humour.

Love you lots, and hang in there. Don't foget how important you are.

Love, Alana

Re: Gave in
Posted by KAT on Sat May 4 22:57:22 2002 (#2714)

Thanks you everyone!
I didnt really see it as giving up, its just I feel bad that I had to resort to it, but in the situation I was in it was either that or...well..something worse, I suppose.
anyway thank you all for the support.

Alana Thanks sweetie, Ill email ya back.
your such a sweetheart
:)

*hugs all*

0KAT

Re: Gave in
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 21:34:39 2002 (#2725)

hey kat. I'm a bit late replying but I just wanted to say that you were so strong for going that long without cutting and please don't feel bad for lapsing. it's dissappoitning yes, but you CAN do it! love and hugs, elle x x

Hey guys
Posted by Erryn on Fri May 3 22:09:29 2002 (#2694)

Hey its Erryn here, my son had surgery yesterday and we are chillin at home so i thought i would write. I hope everyone is doing well and are taking it one day at a time.. Well everyone take care xxxxxxxxxErryn

Re: Hey guys
Posted by She on Fri May 3 23:10:41 2002 (#2696)

Hiya
How did it go ??
(((((((((((((((((((hugz ))))))))))))
for you n your kids
Love
She

Re: Hey guys
Posted by KAT on Fri May 3 23:15:55 2002 (#2697)

Hi there, I hope your son is feeling alright, as well as yourself.
take care
love
KAT

Re: Hey guys
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri May 3 23:26:39 2002 (#2698)

Best wishes for your son. Hope he has a speedy recovery.

Re: Hey guys
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 4 00:34:05 2002 (#2700)

Hope everything turned out okay for him. Give him
a hug from me and here's one for you also.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) )))))))))))))))))))))
Take care of you and your kids honey.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Hey guys
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 21:39:00 2002 (#2727)

Hey sweetie!!!! Hope everything went ok? Look after your boy and make sure you take good care of yourself too! Love ya loads!!!! El x x x

help!!!! please
Posted by some girl on Fri May 3 22:44:03 2002 (#2695)

hey all! things just keep getting worse... my dad i cant take it anymore he is way too strict i told him to stay outta my life and i was gonna do what i wanted and tomorrow is my birthday nd he has ruined everything... i cant see my boyfriend for awhile and he is the one who helps me the most and i dont know what to do i think it was a big mistake tellin him that but he is such an asshole he wont let me do anything... i am gettin outta tha house tonight goin with mah best friend and tomorrow is my birthday my parents prolly arent gonna let me go cuz they suspect i am gonna do somthing stupid and ahhhh they just need to lay off they wont let me do shit! i just cant take their shit they are what causes me to si and i just wanna end it all!!! help me please!
much love~

some girl

Re: help!!!! please
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 11:12:49 2002 (#2705)

Hi
I can sorta relate to you, my parents are shit! But I have the problem that they dont seem to care and do nothing about anything... but stay strong, it doesnt last forever right?
Ella x

Re: help!!!! please
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 21:40:09 2002 (#2728)

I think all parents are shit in some way!! Just look after yourself and stay strong honey. Love el x x x

anyone around?
Posted by keck on Sat May 4 05:23:27 2002 (#2701)

could use someone to talk to.

Re: anyone around?
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 11:31:30 2002 (#2708)

Hi,
A bit late now I know, but if you ever need some one to talk to you can email me...
Ella x

Only way is up
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 11:21:35 2002 (#2706)

Hi, havnt been on the board for the past two days, Ive been spending time with my one and only true friend... she attempted suicide for the first time, she's come out of hospital now. I've never seen her like this before, she says everyone is treating her like a freak and pretending to give a shit when they dont which makes her feel even worse. One person in the UK commits suicide in the UK every 87mins. In Norwich hospital where she was, they said that you get at least two teenage girls a week ODing. Sometimes Im scaired I'll be one of them, especially at the moment... Im so glad she made it, if she died I would too. Mum used to be the thing that kept me going, but over the past two years she's thrown it all back in my face. My therapist wants to know why Im so uptight about people seeing the cuts, when I told my mum she told me never to show anyone because they would hate me if I did. So what can they expect? This board and this razor keep me alive, well this is rock bottom... now the only way is up.
Ella x

Re: Only way is up
Posted by She on Sun May 5 11:36:22 2002 (#2718)

Hiya

Ohh im so sorry about your freind you must mean alot to her to .
LOADS OF LOVE
She

Re: Only way is up
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 21:42:07 2002 (#2729)

Oh sweetie!! My best and only friend, Gena, tried to kill herself by ODing. It almost killed me as well but we got through it. I hope you're ok darling? I'll mail you in a bit. Love always, el x x

bullshit
Posted by sarah - im new on Sat May 4 12:12:02 2002 (#2709)

are we all tryin to reach for the summit, tryin to get through all the shit and get to the top? some times i wonder wots the point, wen and if i do will i just get pushed back down and fall helplessly once again by the ones who pushed me down before? the ones that sed they cared but never really did. i got told by my dad the other day that "wen i'm around keep ur arms and legs covered, ur sisters been asking wot they are and i aint havin that if u wana be stupid u can do that" so basicaly if he cant see them they dont exist. Everyone thinks the same, they ignore the problem and brush me under the carpet coz they'd rather not deal wiv me. one of my so called mates thinks that it would be better if i was dead so she doesnt have to deal wiv it. she aint no mate of mine no more the fuckin bitch.sorry to ramble so i'll shut up now just needed to get it off my chest. hope everyone is okay.

love always sarah

Re: bullshit
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 20:38:07 2002 (#2712)

Hi there
If you were talking about my post about the only way is upwards then your right, it probably won't work as I have no support and my mum like your dad told me never to show or tell anyone about the cutting because it's disgusting and they would hate me. But I sometimes have to kid myself I can make it, other wise I'd probably die. We have a lot of things in common it seems, welcome to the board, email me if you ever want to talk… I like getting emails!
Ella x

Sometimes
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 4 19:50:11 2002 (#2710)

Sometimes I cry, Sometimes I weep, Usually I wish to die, Right here in my sleep, Sometimes I cut, Sometimes I burn, I'm stuck in life's rut, For freedom I yearn, Sometimes I love, Sometimes I hate, I'm brought peace by the dove, Then I'll stand at Hades gate, Sometimes I can hope, Sometimes I just dread, I wish I could sleep, Not just lie in this bed, Sometimes I'm blithe, Sometimes I'm pained, Is life just a myth, Or is there things to be gained, Sometimes I wish, Sometimes I just don't care, I'm trapped with emotions, My soul is laid bare, One-day things will change, For better or worse, I won't feel so strange, I'll be rid of this curse

Hi
Let's hope that days soon… As I said in my last post, the only way is up now. I've spent the past year believing this would win, that the cutting and despondency would kill me, I felt like I was on borrowed time, but it's time I forced myself to fight. I know that I'm not ready to stop cutting, but I'm in therapy and I'm gonna sort all these problems out. I'm not going to go on living like this, I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy, and this constant dissatisfaction has become part of me. But I've got to change that. I grew up such a happy child, but there was always a shadow over me, right from day one. I've always pinned freedom on being 16, then there will be no more custody court cases and no more hiding, but I know I won't last another two years of this, the time is now. We're all gonna make it, every one of us. I know I can't stop yet, and I know when the day comes that I do stop that I will slip up and I am gonna feel shit in the future but I'm gonna win. I want us all to win. I know this whole post sounds cheesy, but if I'm going to beat the pessimism I need to feel hopeful.
I love you all and thank you for keeping me alive over the past months.
I'll be back!
Ella x

Re: Sometimes
Posted by She on Sun May 5 11:38:44 2002 (#2719)

You go girl.Good luck seetie .
Im here for you reamember that.
SHE

Re: Sometimes
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 21:45:23 2002 (#2730)

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will win girl, I know you will. Hey, you've got too. I need you and She there by my side when my book's published right?! Speak to you later hun. love always x x x x

LIES
Posted by xxxstrangerxxx on Sat May 4 22:40:44 2002 (#2713)

ohhh my god! i have told so many lies i cannot even begin to understand why? ive lied to all the people that care.......all the people that want to help me. now i have no one. this one lie this shit that ive lied about has got me feeling sooooo shit inside that i cut to make the pain go away. i feel sooooo guitly. i wish i hadnt lied about it. i have everyone feeling sorry for me now. i crave attention and now i have got it. now i have it i dont want it. ive realised ive gone too far. i realised that this one lie i can never admitt to. this lie i will have to tkae to my grave. but what if you feel so low that you dont think you can hang around for nature to take its course? but by me ending my life i would cause even more hurt to those around me that care? so what do i do? this is my bed so i should lie in it? (no pun intended) maybe i should but i dnt think i can go on nay longer. telling one lie means you have o tell other lies to cover the lie youve told. all ths shit because i wanted attention. i was looking on the net today after we had a discusion at schol about borderline personality disorder. seems as though i may have that? who knows? but if i did i wouldnt be bale to go to the doctors and get help. i owuld have to tell them about my SERIOUSLY DISGUSTING OUTRAGOUS LIE THAT I AM SOOO ASHAMED OFF. i dont know what to do. i have nowhere to turn. i feel trapped.

Re: LIES
Posted by anya on Sat May 4 23:00:38 2002 (#2715)

you have to see that the things you say are in the past.. people forget things. when the world is on your shoulders your friends will help you carry it. Your friends are angels who carry us when are wings have forgotton how to fly

we're hear, im here if u need me

luv
anya

Re: LIES
Posted by KAT on Sun May 5 03:04:41 2002 (#2716)

I beg to differ, I haven't had any close or even semi-close friends in about 2 years because of my mental anguish and cutting.
Friends are people you keep around, but don't depend on because you never know when they'll let you fall.

Maybe it's just me, I'm catious when it comes to trusting people to make you feel a certain way...thats all..
sorry didnt mean to sound rude, I just don't like "friends"...

-KAT

KAT~~ everyone please read...some hope~~
Posted by jue on Sun May 5 10:17:35 2002 (#2717)

Hey KAT....
i still check out this board every once in a while...i am doing really well actually...just finished college for the year...i have an outside job for the summer (this is really good for my mental health)...and for september i got into the Outdoor Recreation Manangement Program...which i am really excited about....

i still get insanely depressed at times...but it never lasts as long and i can usually pull myself out...

hey KAT i know what you mean about suicide though...i read that post...i included a really good suicide info link at the bottom...it is really helpful actually....

*FOR EVERYONE PLEASE READ*

i want to say to everyone that things get better...sometimes not in the way you/i expect it but things change and life is not always a struggle....i know sometimes it seems hopeless...God knows i have been beyond depressed...but things do get better....i BELIEVE deeply and strongly within me that everyone here can have happiness and peace...sometimes life is such a bitch and we all get tired or trying...some of us have to try a little harder...but it feels so fucking good when you find your peace....i love you all and i believe everyone will find their way......

take care all
lots of love
lots of hugs
julie

Re: KAT~~ everyone please read...some hope~~
Posted by Rhonda on Sun May 5 16:11:48 2002 (#2722)

Good luck in your new job come September Julie.
I'm really happy to hear you're doing okay and you're right, things will get better on down the road. Some just have to work harder than others.
Take care of yourself and let me know how the
job is going when you start.
Love, Rhonda

Re: KAT~~ everyone please read...some hope~~
Posted by KAT on Sun May 5 19:13:49 2002 (#2724)

Hi there! Julie...thanks for responding, I was worried, but Im so glad to hear you've made it out of that stuck depressed stage that we all get into.
Ive made it out myself, just I go back in a lot, but Im not as stuck.
Thats great that everythings going well..
thanks for leaving encouraging messages here.
It's reallly needed~!

lots of luck
and love
-KAT

waiting for the Something...
Posted by kae on Sun May 5 12:43:33 2002 (#2720)

I'm so SICK of this!! Nothing is going to change the one thing I hate the most - myself.

I'm just existing, not living....and waiting for the big Something which will finally push me over the edge. I know its coming. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it. I don't know how far away it is. But its coming. Life isn't about existing. Theres only one way for this to end...death.

I went to a big party last night, lots of people from school there. I smoked dope for the first time, and that combined with alcohol and the shit in my head turned out to be pretty lethal...I decided that I was going to end it, right there and then. Trouble was, I didn't have anything with me....just myself and my drugged head. My friends were all elsewhere....having a great time with boys and dancing and drinking....I was outside by myself. Sooo pathetic. I am sooo different to everyone and I hate it. All I've ever wanted is to just FIT IN. And I never have. I never will.

I ended up with a broken bottle. I squeezed the broken glass in my hands until it shattered...didn't feel a thing but my hands were all bloody. By this time some randoms had actually clicked onto what I was up to, and they were pulling the 'Don't do this, give us the glass' thing. Godd....it was such a mess. I spent the rest of the night sitting with some guy who decided he was my boyfriend (nothing to get excited about, I barely knew him) until my ride came.

The worst part was knowing that nobody cared. I thought to myself "Right, I'm going to talk to someone, and if things are stil fucked up then I'm going to do it." I walked through the house...none of my friends were around, just a million younger party kids. Then someone came up to me and said "Hey, Lisa's looking for you!" I found Lisa, thinking that I'd at least have someone to talk to now...she saw me and yelled across the room "Katie, have you seen Mary??" That was it. I hadn't seen Mary, so that was the end of the conversation.

So lonely....I could see other people being comforted by their friends and that really hurt. God I WISH I wasn't like this.

I told you about my 'best' friend who decided she could be a cutter, too. Since I stopped talking to her about my SI or letting her see any of it, she completely stopped cutting. Which just showed me that it was a case of "monkey see, monkey do". Anyway, since all this shit about my SI being too 'dangerous' and the counsellor calling in my parents, my friend has rocked up with a new plaster on her wrist - the only place she cuts. I asked her about it and she fully denied that she'd done it...that it was an allergic reaction to her bracelet. I let it go at the time but I know she lied. It really FUCKS ME OFF. Shes only doing this because I do. And she thinks that she got away with lying about it. The way she makes sure that EVERYONE sees it really FUCKS ME OFF as well...she makes it so damn obvious. Shes got so much going for her now and she knows it...a new boyfriend, big plans for next year, captain of her team, bunch of stuff. I've got nothing. But still she thinks she should have some of my shit...she thinks she should try and grab a little of the 'attention' I get.

RRRRRRRRR IM JUST SO ANGRY....and depressed.

I have NOTHING to live for. Things were said about me last night.....guys see nothing in me. They yelled things, I overheard things...FUCK.
FUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKK!!! I didn't ask to be like this!!! I am NOTHING. I would die to be Something.

When I mention suicide to my friends (very rare) do you know what their reaction is?? Every one of them has said "If you did that, I would feel so bad/guilty/upset/whatever for not helping you...." They think of themselves straightaway. ONLY THEMSELVES. They don't say "But you have so much to live for, why do you feel this way?" The absence of that kind of reaction makes it very clear to me that they can already see I have nothing to live for. They can see it, I can see it.

My life is not worth living. I'm so fucking worthless....its all over.

kae

Re: waiting for the Something...
Posted by She on Sun May 5 16:07:30 2002 (#2721)

HIya Kae?
You there honey ?
You have got things to live for its gotta get better hasnt it? i havnt talked to you much on here but i know loads of people love you loads.God i would be pissed of if a friend was doing that but it might be cause she looks up to you .
You have LOADS to look forwards to they just havent made themselfs obviouse yet hang on in there girl .
if you wanna talk im here for you .
Loads of love n hugz n support .
She

Re: waiting for the Something...
Posted by Rhonda on Sun May 5 16:15:55 2002 (#2723)

Kae,
I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. I
wish I could be there in person and just hold you
so you would know that I really do care about you and what happens to you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)) ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)) ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)) ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)) ))))))))))))))))))))))
Use these when you need to honey and know that I
wish it was my arms holding onto you. I'm here
if you ever want to talk. Take care of yourself
sweetie.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: waiting for the Something...
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 21:51:52 2002 (#2731)

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you have to hurt like this. I know exactly what you mean. I'm always the one who sits on my own in a corner at partys, just wanting to be a part of it all but knowing that I'll always be the outsider. One of my "friends" said to me that I couldn't kill myself because SHE would need counselling. Well it's such a shame that me destroying myself would screw up her life, maybe she should take a look at what she's doing to my life.
You will get through this and you'll have a wonderful life. I can feel it in my heart and I will wish that for you every day of my life until it comes true.
Love you loads. el x x x

Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun May 5 21:59:21 2002 (#2732)

Hiya princess
I missed you girl (its only been like a day hasnt it :o)) but n e way
I MISSSEDDDD YOUUUUUUUUUUU
how you doing sweetie pie.Are you online still ??
LOVE YOU
She

Re: Eleanor
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 22:21:53 2002 (#2735)

I missed you too sweetie!!!!!!!!!! yep, I'm still here! Love ya princess!!!!!! elle x x x

Re: Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun May 5 22:22:49 2002 (#2737)

Do you want to go on the caht room thingy me bob?
I LLLLLOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE YYYYYYYYOOOOOOOUUUU
she

Re: Eleanor
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 22:24:41 2002 (#2739)

Yep!! I've never been in there, it's quite exciting! lol!! (ok, I really am sad aren't I?!) Love you x x x

Re: Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun May 5 22:33:29 2002 (#2741)

Nope your not at all sad im exited to ( ok maby were both sad)
lol
Luve you
She
( im there now so see you when you get there )

disorder
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun May 5 22:16:10 2002 (#2733)

My therapist has diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and some type of depression. It is pretty scarey knowing that you have a mental disorder. I mean I knew deep inside but for someone else to tell me it was kind of a shock too. Also there is no cure, all she can do is lessen the reactions I have. Oh well. I'll have to manage.

Re: disorder
Posted by She on Sun May 5 22:21:53 2002 (#2736)

(((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))) ))

Re: disorder
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 22:26:04 2002 (#2740)

I know what you mean. I have a mental disorder and it's so scary to be labelled like that. I hope you're ok? Take care of yourself!! Love always, el x x x

Re: disorder
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 6 02:12:20 2002 (#2745)

At least you are taking care of it hopefully you can get it under control, take care of yourself, and let me know how your treatment goes xxxErryn

hurmmmmm
Posted by She on Sun May 5 22:20:33 2002 (#2734)

Dont you dare get close to me ,
For there's something you wont want to see,
scares of shame,

How can you treat this like a game?
This pettiness you seam unclear,
Is something deeper then you can here,
The sound of rushing through the skin,
The dripping shame from within,
The heat that falls onto the ground,
I live with shame but without of sound,

Thats the way i want it to stay,
Leave me know and go to play,
For if you dont I may give you a key,
That opens a door to tourture me,
Hurt me rip me fade away,
Leave me know its time to play,

Re: hurmmmmm
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 5 22:23:07 2002 (#2738)

wow that was amazing sweetie! I never knew you could write like that! love you girl!!!!! elle x xx

Re: hurmmmmm
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 6 02:10:19 2002 (#2744)

hey girl thats sad but good keep writing and take care xxxxErryn

can't take this shit anynore
Posted by jennyfer on Mon May 6 01:58:28 2002 (#2742)

shit man what the fuck is wrong with me??? i can't ever do anything right!!!! i try to help someone out and it all blows up in my face...man what the fuck is that i don't know what to do anymore cutting isn't helping...fuck my so called mother is yelling at me...what the fuck does she think that i don't hear her????? man what the hell is wrong with me...is it normal to think like this????? last night i started to swallow a bottle of pills...but i didn't finish...i just ended throwing up until i couldn't move...it sucked...i mean what the hell...All alone Leave me here I'm dying Just kicked me in my face All alone and crying I'm suffocating....it's kinda sick i feel so dirty i'm kinda insecure But I know that I'm the only One that can fix whatever's wrong I'm sure, but... She(my mom) doesn't know how bad she messed me up...shit!!!!!!!!!!! fuck she's coming....i think i've finally gone crazy....

Re: can't take this shit anynore
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 6 02:07:10 2002 (#2743)

Hey girl, just relax and breathe you are not to blame for feeling this way okay (i know whatever i say probably wont help) just know that we are here for you and care about you okay take care and if you need anything just write xxxxxErryn

Re: can't take this shit anynore
Posted by liverpoolfc on Mon May 6 03:57:49 2002 (#2746)

I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now. If you need to e-mail me and just yack all you want about how your feeling so you can get it out of your system.

Re: can't take this shit anynore
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon May 6 13:21:44 2002 (#2747)

Hey
I know how you feel all too well; I spend most of my life feeling like that. My mums a bitch, she told me never to let any one see my scars cuz they are ugly and I am stupid, great support on the family front then. But everything I say is wrong, everything I do I fuck up, every thought I have is stupid and I am a complete waste of space! And you'd better believe it cuz my mum tells me that every day in her small talk and looks… I hate her sometimes; sometimes I think she wishes she had an abortion. So you're not alone, email me if you want to talk,
Ella x

Re: can't take this shit anynore
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 6 20:02:16 2002 (#2748)

hey sweetie. i'm sorry things are bad for you right now. i've been to hell and back with my mum so I know a little of how you feel. Take care of yourself and remember we're always here if you need to talk. Love el x x x

Re: can't take this shit anynore
Posted by Sarah on Tue May 7 02:30:52 2002 (#2767)

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear your feeling so bad at the moment, hope things start to improve for you soon,

sarah

"All better now"
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 6 20:12:08 2002 (#2749)

hey guys. I'm having kind of a weird day today. I forgot to take my medication this morning and I feel kinda strange. Like my heads been wrapped in cotton wool and my legs don't wanna hold me up. I feel muffled. I can't hear properly and my visions kinda blurry, it's so scary.
I had a really bad night last night. I couldn't sleep, I really thought my sleepless nights were over you know? I hate not being able to sleep. The hours are so long it's like living out a whole lifetime in one night. I make all these plans of how I'm gonna be happy and what I'm going to do with my life and then i ended up crying uncontrollably because I knew deep down that none of it is going to come to anything.
I'm getting desperate. My mum keeps telling everyone who will listen that "eleanor was ill but she's better now". But I'm not better. I still hurt like my hearts been ripped out and I still can't bear to have to get up each morning and face another day, but my parents think that because the cuts they can see aren't open wounds any more, that I'm all better. But they can't see the wounds inside of me that will never heal and they can't see the cuts that I manage to hide. I'm sick of people looking at me and never really seeing me. I'm just so tired of all this.

Re: "All better now"
Posted by She on Mon May 6 21:17:37 2002 (#2750)

Hello sweetie pie
Oww baby things are gonna be better for you i promise they will and you plans will come true you have to make sure that they will .
Do you have sleeping pills?some of them are really good .
I know how you mean i think life is way to long but something good will happen of someone amazing will help you though the days(like .....Stuwart:o)
I love you loads n loads
((((((((((((((((hug))))))))) ))))))))))
She

Re: "All better now"
Posted by liverpoolfc on Mon May 6 23:23:17 2002 (#2760)

I know how you feel about people thinking that you are all better because they can't see your cuts. My friends think the same thing. Problems like this just don't disapear and people need to realize that. Take care.

Re: "All better now"
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 7 17:45:50 2002 (#2784)

Hi there
I know exactly how you feel!
My mum has never got to the stage of seeing there is a problem though, as soon as she find out and told me how ugly it was and not to ever let anyone see she thought I'd stop, hey presto. My friends dont see the real me either, so its not just me living a lie any more, its every one around me. The out side can heal, yes. But the cuts inside are never going to, its ugly in there. I guess their lucky they cant see it, cuz they cant handle cuts on the outside and its a lot worse in here. I know how you feel SO much, email me back yeah?
Love you girl, Ella x

life sucks
Posted by Millie on Mon May 6 22:05:46 2002 (#2751)

hey,
has ne one in this forum thing taken an overdose? if so can u tell me wat it was like.

thanx
millie
x

Re: life sucks
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 6 22:14:56 2002 (#2752)

I have and to tell you the truth it sucked becuz i took it then thought i was going to be fine well three hours later i got sick was rushed to the ICU and had my stomach pumped for 4 hrs, im not trying to talk you out of it but it does suck please think about it okay take care xxxErryn

Re: life sucks
Posted by Millie on Mon May 6 22:17:38 2002 (#2753)

wat did u take?

Re: life sucks
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 6 22:19:00 2002 (#2754)

it's horrible. having your stomach pumped is one of the worst experiences ever. please think twice before doing anything like that. love el x

Re: life sucks
Posted by Millie on Mon May 6 22:24:14 2002 (#2755)

wat did you take though?

Re: life sucks
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 6 22:25:40 2002 (#2756)

I took a mixture of paracetamol and some sleeping tablet thingys. i can't remember a time when I ever felt so ill

Re: life sucks
Posted by Millie on Mon May 6 22:38:16 2002 (#2757)

thanx

Re: life sucks
Posted by jennyfer on Mon May 6 23:40:38 2002 (#2761)

yeah i've tried like soooo many times that i don't really even remember anymore...the first time i remember it was like my mom had just had surgery...and they gave her these pain killers right??....... and like i dunno i took the bottle to schoool and i swallowed all the pills that were in there...i felt like "high" alomst i would get up and i couldn't even walk straight...i felt so light headed...i could barely move to get up to go to my next class...it was like...i dunno... i got dizzy and i felt like throwing up but i held it all inside...it felt...weird i guess...but...i dunno...yeah

Re: life sucks
Posted by Loopylass33 on Tue May 7 02:25:36 2002 (#2766)

Hi Millie,

Yeah I've taken a few overdoses and I really wouldn't recomment it. I took an overdose of Tramadol, it's a strong painkiller working on the brain and spinal cord. Half an hour after taking it I started feeling sick, dizzy, kept not registering where I was, loosing my balance, it's a really horrible experience. The last 2 overdoses has made me have fits like epileptics have. When you wake up from it you feel like totaly shit! I struggled to keep my eyes open even when in full scale conversation, and felt worse than having a very bad hangover! Hope that helps,

Sarah

Re: life sucks
Posted by kae on Tue May 7 13:13:34 2002 (#2773)

Millie, I think you're only asking the details of overdosing so that you can try it yourself....not a good idea. I hope hearing about other people's experiences has put you off...theres a good description of it in the book "Girl Interrupted" that put me RIGHT off. I once took a few too many pills one night and I paid for it horribly the next day at school. DONT do it.

Plus, I've never heard of ANYONE who has succesfully committed suicide with a painkiller overdose, no matter how big...so its just NOT WORTH the shit you go through for it.

How old are you? Could you go see a counsellor at school? I really think you should...its confidential and it'll help. Please think about it, at least.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: life sucks
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 7 17:13:11 2002 (#2781)

Hi
Kai's right overdoses suck BIG TIME! last overdose I took was paracetamol and I threw up SO much, it is horrible. Email me if you wanna talk more, but please don't try to OD cuz it is really really not a good idea.
Ella x