You are here: Home > Archive > Psyke.org Forum > Threads 526 to 550

Threads 526 to 550

ashamed
Posted by liverpoolfc on Tue Apr 23 00:31:34 2002 (#2155)

Well, I have broke my 3 week streak of no cutting. I cut last night after a disturbing phone call. Down in the dumps.

Re: ashamed
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 01:12:01 2002 (#2162)

Sure, it's upsetting that you cut, but you also
went 3 weeks without cutting!!!!! That's worth
celebrating, I think! Be upset for a while, then
start again. Take care of yourself.
Love,Rhonda

Re: ashamed
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Apr 23 12:10:27 2002 (#2169)

hey dont be ashamed! youve done really well...three weeks is a great achievement. hope you feel better soon donna xxx

:(
Posted by sara on Tue Apr 23 01:11:43 2002 (#2161)

im haveing a really bad night and want to just get away from it all why is life so hard? why does noone feel my pain?

Re: :(
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 01:52:49 2002 (#2166)

I'm new here, but I think we all feel your pain. What sucks is that it never seems that the people directly in our lives feel our pain. I wish you a more peaceful evening.

Lauren

Re: :(
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Apr 23 12:11:38 2002 (#2170)

i wish i could answer your question there hun but truth is i dont know myself. all i can say is hope you feel better soon huge hugs donna xxx

PLEASE READ
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 05:13:04 2002 (#2168)

Hello, I posted a messege earlier called want to die and I could really use some support tonight. I feel an eight week no cutting run about to be broken. So if anyone could check out my original post, I'd really appreciate it.
peace

Re: PLEASE READ
Posted by kae on Tue Apr 23 13:48:46 2002 (#2172)

hi...

I guess its no longer 'tonight' in your time...so this could be too late. I hope you didn't break your 8-week stretch of no cutting. Its great that you've managed to go that long....DON'T go back to square one.
I read your earlier post...looks like you got dealt some rough blows in life. I don't know much about anorexia, but my friend went through a similar situation to yours and she also turned to starving herself. Its a method of self-control, just like cutting. But that doesn't mean its good.
It sounds like you're getting your life back on track. Don't let the bad days get you down or you'll go right back off the track again. Think about where you are now, and what lies ahead if you stay how you are - concentrate on fighting the anorexia and the cutting urge. Neither of them will help you in the long run...
Write on here whenever you need to. It always helps to vent, and we'll always try to give advice :)

Good luck

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: PLEASE READ
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 13:59:53 2002 (#2174)

Hi Kae,
Thanks for the response. It always warms my heart to get replies to my posts.

peace,
Lauren

Re: PLEASE READ
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 23 14:50:36 2002 (#2181)

hey i hope you are feeling better, and didnt break your 8 week spell, if you need anything just write, my sons sick so i will be off and on all day take care xxxErryn

Re: PLEASE READ
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 14:52:47 2002 (#2182)

Erryn,
You seem so sweet and carring and I just wanted to thank you for that. I used to used a different message board, but I think I like this one better.

Peace to you,
lauren

Re: PLEASE READ
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 17:06:26 2002 (#2185)

hey sweetie. I hope you're ok!! If you ever need to talk then email me. I'm always here and I always care. love and hugs, elle x x x

rough night, rough day...
Posted by kae on Tue Apr 23 13:38:34 2002 (#2171)

Last night was shitty. I sat on my bed and took out the stash of painkillers I've been saving "just in case". I just wanted to experiment. I only took six of one kind and two of another, and it just made me really drowsy and heavy. I probably would have taken more if I hadn't started cutting and then emailed the counsellor (as she told me to do) at 1am. When my alarm woke me at 7.10am, I decided to sleep in because I had a study period first thing. Next thing, my mum is waking me and telling me its 9.30am...I missed second period as well.
School was terrible. I was sooo unbelievably tired and depressed....and everyone just ignored me. It wasn't really even ignoring - they just didn't even notice me. All I could think was "if I wasn't here anymore, this is what things would be like." Towards the end of my third period class, I suddenly felt really sick. I got up and started walking to the toilets, and everything around me became dark and shrunken, as if it was all very far away. I was so dizzy...my eyes wouldn't see properly and my feet couldn't get down the steps. I walked into the toilets, dropped my folder and just got into a cubicle as the worst hit me. It felt like my insides were about to explode. I just dropped to the floor and kept my head down (I've had several experiences with light-headedness after deep cuts). I just kept saying to myself "Be okay...be okay...don't be sick here...be okay..." Eventually my head came round and my insides went back together. I had to sit there for ages, shaking and sweating and calming myself down. In the bathroom, people were yelling and laughing and had no idea what was going on in my cubicle.
My folder had fallen upside down onto the floor, not that I was aware of it when I dropped it. I think people were laughing about that as well. One of my friends came in and said "Katie, are you in there?" I couldn't answer her properly. She went away. When I finally came out, my folder was still there, stuck upside-down on its side on the floor....my friend had seen it, but she hadn't bothered to pick it up. I was soo white...I looked like hell. I stayed in the common room for a while, then I managed to sit through fifteen or so minutes of my next class. In there, my best friend (who knew I was upset but refused to even look at me) started playing with a craft knife in front of me, carving up her ruler and stuff. I left.

I don't know what brought on the sick thing today...it could have been from the pills last night, it could have been the infected cut on my wrist or on my legs, it could have just been tiredness. Tonight, a different friend was sympathetic, asking what was wrong, how could she help, pleading me not to 'do' anything, begging me to let her get help for me. That was nice. I think people are afraid of me when I'm upset, and thats why they don't want to ask whats wrong. Maybe its just our group...one girl in our group was lying on the sofa in the common room crying one day, all alone. It was her 18th birthday as well. She and I are good friends, but even her best friends were just ignoring her. I went over and tried comforting her, asked what was wrong, etc etc. Only then did a couple of others start coming over as well. She cheered up a little later. I just can't help wondering that if I hadn't been there, would anyone have gone over to her? Maybe they were just waiting for someone else to do it. Another girl, whom I wasn't close to - shes left school now - suffered major depression last year. She'd sit all alone, every single lunchtime, crying. Her friends sat further away and left her to it. I don't know if they were doing the right thing or not...I didn't know her well but I knew that she was really suicidal.

I don't know. Maybe seeing other people's pain is so awkward for some people, they can't help them.

Tomorrow night is the Regional Shakespeare festival. I'm in two different scenes - one from As You Like It and one from Titus Andronicus. There are two sections in the festival - teacher-directed scenes and student-directed scenes. If we win either section, we get to go to the National festival in Wellington to perform that scene. I've been in winning scenes for the last two years (not meaning to sound stuck up) and I'm dying to go again. Its the most awesome experience...and makes you feel like you've really done something.

At the moment, its all I'm living for...

My friend said she'll organise 'help' for me if I just say the word...I don't know if I should. The only adult I've talked to is the school counsellor...who, by the way, hasn't replied to the miserable email I sent in my drugged state last night. I don't want someone else to tell me they can't help me and send me away again. I don't want someone else to think I'm just attention-seeking or just going through a phase...I don't know what I should do.

I've really had enough of this life...the future looks even more disturbing than the present...so maybe I'll just quit while I'm 'ahead'...

Maybe....

Re: rough night, rough day...
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Apr 23 14:06:37 2002 (#2176)

hey. sorry you are feelin gshit. so am i . i hope you are ok xxx ((hugz)) i know what its like to be ignored. ive left school now. i was in 6th form but everyone hated me really and know one really knew me. im very depressed now and have left evryone behind at that shitty school with all the shitty judgemental people in the common room. i only keep in touch with one person from there....my best and only friend. i hope you are ok chuck love donna xxx

Re: rough night, rough day...
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 14:19:35 2002 (#2177)

Kae, it sounds like you were sick due to the pills you took. Pain pills are very constipating and you took a good amount of them and then you cut. I would venture a guess that if you stayed away from both of those things for a couple of days you may feel a bit better physically. Did it feel good to help out that other girl? I find helping others is very theraputic for me. I know it is hard to let others to reach out and help you. For me, it's that I am not ready to let go of what I know makes me feel better, like the cutting. If you are not ready to do that, I understand, but at the very least, try and concentrate on the fact that you have people who want to help you and care, even if you are not ready to accept that help. You are fortunate in that regard. It sounds like you are not alone in all this, be grateful, even if it feels like you have nothing to be grateful for, that is what I am trying to do and boy I know it is a hard task. Feel free to email me. It seems we are booth feeling the suicidal bug and for both our sakes that has got to go away, right?

Peace,
lauren

Re: rough night, rough day...
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 23 14:48:07 2002 (#2179)

hey girl, sounds like a rough day!! take care okay you sound like you are a great person and i would like to talk to you more, you didnt leave that girl all by herself, i know how hard it is to help others when you need help to sorry that you werent feeling well i took pills once slept for 3 days then still felt drowsy it sucks, good luck in your scenes at the festival, and be safe xxErryn

Re: rough night, rough day...
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 17:04:51 2002 (#2184)

oh sweetie I'm so sorry. that really sux. people can be so cruel and heartless, I know exactly how it feels to be in your position. don't give up yet honey, i love ya! HUGGGGGGE HUGZ!!!! elle x x x

Re: rough night, rough day...
Posted by Jade on Wed Apr 24 08:04:40 2002 (#2211)

Hey sweetie, sorry that you had such a tough time. I hope that you are feeling better now. The sickness was porbably mainly the pills, but it probably wouldn't have been that bad if it weren't for the combination of all of it. Remember that even if your friends at school don't always make the effort or know how to help, you can always come here and I'll do everything I can and I'm sure that everyone else will too. Take care, Jade

To starve or to cut?
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 13:55:51 2002 (#2173)

Hi Everyone,
I have a problem. I quite cutting a bit over 8 weeks ago and developed a mean case of anorexia which landed me in the emergency room. Now everyone is watching my eating habbits daily. The thing is that I really can't handle not cutting and having to eat also. Any advice.

Thanks, peace to all,
lauren

Re: To starve or to cut?
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Apr 23 14:00:40 2002 (#2175)

hey thatds the same with me...to cut or starve hmm! i say eat (or try to) and try to cut like not too deep as much as you need to...like scratches (loads of them) so that you are staying safe each way. i know thast easier that it souds.it what im doing anyway and its workin touch wood

Re: To starve or to cut?
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 23 14:41:08 2002 (#2178)

hey, i really dont know what to say but just take care and know im here to talk okay xxxErryn

Re: To starve or to cut?
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 14:50:33 2002 (#2180)

Thanks Erryn,
any support is soooo welcome.
peace,
Lauren

Re: To starve or to cut?
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 17:00:57 2002 (#2183)

hey. I have a problem a bit like that. it's pretty hard huh? I suppose both things are a way of dulling the pain. Hi by the way. My names eleanor. I've not been posting for a few days but I read your posts before this. If you ever wanna talk, rant , rave whatever email me. I'd love to hear from you and I'm always there to give support. Love and hugs, elle x x x

Here's an Idea
Posted by KAT on Tue Apr 23 23:27:52 2002 (#2198)

Here's a suggestion, why not try and get some mental help.
I mean if you can't handle not cutting or having to eat then obviously something inside you is still greatly unsettled, and you need help with that.
Cutting, starving, all those things are symptoms to greater problems, and you need to work those out so you don't HAVE to feel like you HAVE to cut or starve or any other kind of thing that's harmful, you know?
Take care
-KAT

Re: To starve or to cut?
Posted by Jade on Wed Apr 24 08:12:07 2002 (#2212)

Hey, I'm actually in the same situation right now, only I'm going back and forth a bit more quickly. It's a hell of a cycle, trading one form of abuse for another. You should probably try some of the 'alternatives' to SI, like the ice cube thing or a rubber band or something, it's doesn't work much for me but it's great for some people. I guess that you should just focus on getting rid of the need to SI, rather then just trying to get around the actual act of it. At any rate if you ever need to talk just email me and I'll do whatever I can. Take care of yourself, Jade

explanations and sorrys
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 17:14:52 2002 (#2186)

hey everyone. I wanted to explain to you all why I've been weird lately and say sorry if I hurt anyone. I love you all and I'd never do that intentionally.
Ok. This month is the anniversary of my best friend's suicide attmpt and near the anniversary of my lil brothers death. That always hurts me more than I can put into words although it doesn't excuse how I've behaved. My depression is also worse than it's ever been A few nights ago before all this stuff with donna's mum happened I tried to kill myself. I didn't want to tell you all before because I felt like I'd let you all down and I didn't want to add to anyone's hurt as I couldn't bear to hurt my friends on here (those of you who care). I'm telling you now because She made me realise that it's best to be honest with you all and also I wanted to let you know that I really haven't been myself and the way I've reacted to things is not the real me. Any of you who have spoken to me in the past will know that, those of you who don't know me yet I hope you'll have a chance to find out how I really am.
So anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm back and I'm sorry for messing up. Crimson tears, you're right, maybe I was feeling a little sorry for myself but I'm not really me at the moment, I've never been this bad before, and I hope you can all understand. love you all. elle x x

Re: explanations and sorrys
Posted by She on Tue Apr 23 17:30:17 2002 (#2188)

Hello princess
((((((((((((huggle))))))))
HI babe im so glad you came back its not the same posting here without you .I have an ider (hurm).
Im gonna e mail you later to talk babe (hay im not making much seance am i?oppsy)Ok I have to go now someones ring the door bell like a mad person.
Theres something wrone with my e mail adress i was a little nasty to an aol person he he (its kinda funny)so i might have to use the new one im not sure. Ne way ill try to make more seance of this to you l8ter .I just wanted to let you know i was here and i LOVE you .(better go get the bloody door.
Love you forever my best buddy xxxxx
Semi seane
She

Re: explanations and sorrys
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 21:20:26 2002 (#2197)

ok princess, I'll talk to ya later. this sounds interesting!! hmmmmmmmmmmm! Love you!! Elle x x x

Re: explanations and sorrys
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Apr 23 17:31:21 2002 (#2189)

totally understand. apologies on behalf of my mum taking the attention away from the person who really needed it at that mement in time. HUGZ

Re: explanations and sorrys
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 23 18:03:31 2002 (#2191)

hey no need for apologies!!! your so cool and i love ya girl. if you dont mind me asking what happened to your brother? My mom shot herself in Jan of 1991 i was 15. it is so hard to get over death yet we are so into it. My son had surgery yesterday and will have another next thursday. He is only two. He has Cancer on his leg and in his mouth. So he has been through alot and sometimes i feel sorry for myself to so you just go ahead and do it to, oh and i will be thinking of you, take care x

erryn
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 19:02:47 2002 (#2194)

I'm so sorry about your son. Is he doing ok? My brother got a bad virus or something. he was really ill for a while then he just died. I sometimes think my mum died with him in a way. It was weird. still is. That was the start of my mums depression and it just got worse. My friend took and overdose. give your boy a huge hug from me!! I hope he gets through this ok. Luv ya sweetie! Have a hug for yourself. all my love, elle x x x x

Re (((((((hugz))))))))
Posted by She on Wed Apr 24 00:04:05 2002 (#2204)

HUggy huggy huggy huggy
Hello babe i LOve you ((((((((hug)))))))
I guess this time is gonna be pritty hard for you and i really wanted you to know im here for you forever babe.I will come give you a hug if you ever need me girl .Im gonna seand you loads of positive vibes anh huggles for as long as you need it .When you feel bad thing of our igloo with the HUGE vodca bottle and the champain jucuzzy with bubbles of chocholate.
YOurs 4 ever
She~berry

Re: explanations and sorrys
Posted by KAT on Wed Apr 24 00:00:16 2002 (#2203)

Hi Elle...I understand, even though I dont quite know what your talking about w. the behavior, b/c I dont read EVERY single post on here, unfortunatly, but back when I was in the deepest stage of my depression It was terrible.
It was beyond terrible, theres no word to describe it, I didnt even want to try and kill myself for a while because I felt there no poit in dying, Im so worthless I deserve to live this hell on Earth, even though none of that was true.
Depression is a mean lying piece of shit and it hurts in the worst way.

Dont apologize for being depressed, b/c in all reality you cant help it.
I mean you can get help for it but at a time like this in your life anyone would be depressed,and if you are already chemically depressed then its 1000x's greater.
so just be careful and take care of yourself!
you need to watch your own behavior very closly, not anyone elese so that you can stop yourself from falling deeper and deeper, get well..
love
KAT

Re: explanations and sorrys
Posted by Jade on Wed Apr 24 08:26:43 2002 (#2213)

I hope that you're feeling better now, I wish that you had felt comfortable telling us earlier, but whenever you're ready you'll be welcome to share whatever you want. I'm glad that you're still here and that you're going to keep posting. I want you to know that you could rant or rave or tell me to go to hell for no reason and I would still want the best for you, and you certainly deserve everything that you want out of life, just try to stick around long enough to claim what you're entitled to. I hope that things are getting better and if not, just email me or post here and say whats on your mind and I'll try my damndest to help you work it out. Take care sweet heart and don't be afraid to say anything that you are thinking, and I'll be sure to read it with an open mind. ~ Jade

Re: explanations and sorrys
Posted by liverpoolfc on Wed Apr 24 14:15:08 2002 (#2217)

Eleanor, I'm so happy that your back. Your right it doesn't make up for your behavior but the people who were upset with you could cut you some slack. Personally you didn't hurt my feelings at all. Love always

EEEK
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Apr 23 17:33:33 2002 (#2190)

eeeek.....sorry he he thats all that i can say. very hard day so erm....eeeeeeek!

Re: EEEK
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 23 18:05:33 2002 (#2192)

your funny!!!! take care xxxErryn

.....SHIT!!!....
Posted by jennyfer on Tue Apr 23 18:57:06 2002 (#2193)

sorry i haven't posted anything in a while...did u guys even notice?? i dunno i've been 'away' for a while...i got caught slicing my wrists in school...and so i had to go see a head doctor...but they sent me home cuz...something about...refusing treatment...god people are real assholes!!! especially these people at my school... they see a problem them they turn u away...fuck them!!! i haven't felt any sort of comfort in a long time...i spend most of my life either high or sleeping...that's no way to live...and i can't not cut...i need it...i want it...but i dunno...fuck look see there i go again...i hate myself i hate my face i hate my world i hate my ways...i'm not ok...what happens when it all gets too much for me?? what happens when i can't take peoples shit anymore?? i mean is there really any point to liveing...??? is there really any point to...anything...i don't see the point to it anymore...i just wanna....oh nevermind...what happens when it gets so dark u can't see the end??? fuck!!!! maybe this shit was deserved....but i don't see how...

Re: .....SHIT!!!....
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 19:06:10 2002 (#2195)

nobody deserves shit like this. and yes I did notice that you weren't here, but I haven't been around myself for a bit. I can't say that life is worth this because god knows I've tried to escape mine enough times, but for one reason or another we're both still here. Doesn't that tell you something? If you want to talk then email me. I'm always here. love always, elle x x x

Re: .....SHIT!!!....
Posted by She on Wed Apr 24 00:11:37 2002 (#2206)

hiys
Im so sorry things are like this at the moment
have a huge ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))) )))
i know this probably dosent mean that much but i reaslly missed your posts and i care alot about you if you ever want to talk please e mail me.
Loads of love
She

Re: .....SHIT!!!....
Posted by liverpoolfc on Wed Apr 24 14:20:13 2002 (#2218)

Of course life is worth living. This part of our lives is just really rough. Don't give up now though. We've got to get past the bad stuff to see the good. We are all in this together.

fuck
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Apr 23 19:48:42 2002 (#2196)

awww fuck! stuff has just got real messed up over here. have no time to go into details im sorry. im leaving for a while....couple of weeks maybe? i need to sort my head out. i cant stay round here to do that. i need to be on my own. nothing to do with anything thats happened lately by the way peeps......just me and that head of mine.

Erryn......your boy...i hope he is ok. that must be hard

Eleanor.....love ya hun! hope you get through your rough patch

She.......thanx for everything, you are a star.

Crimson tears...... thanx for listning to me babble on like i do lol

erm.....if theres any1 ive forgotten...then well u no i love ya...oh wait he he rhonda! thanx for replying o my messages and giving my mum a point of view from one mum 2 another. truly appreciated.

bye xxx

Re: fuck
Posted by She on Wed Apr 24 00:13:45 2002 (#2207)

I love you to sweetie pie .Keep in touh and let us know how your doing.
yours 4 ever
She

Got my diagnosis on my pain
Posted by Dawn on Tue Apr 23 23:27:52 2002 (#2199)

I saw a rheumatologist today. He said I have Fibermyalgia, probaby osteoarthristis, and maybe a problem with a disc in my lower back. Then to comfort me he said he would rather had rheumatoid arthritis any day than Fibermyalgia because what I have is some much my painful.

I never thought I'd say this in a million years but I'd rather be raped everyday than to have this pain.

The good thing about all of this is that since I've been on methadone for pain I have lost 30 pounds. I'm losing 2-3 pounds a day. I can actually look down and see a waist and my feet.

OH and about my new mental health worker. When Paul and I arrived I was told I was scheduled to be there last week. And they tried to give me an 8 AM appointment and I told her thats out. So the soonest she could do an intake on me would be last part of next month.

To tell the truth I don't want to go back ANY TIME ...EVER!!!!!!!!!! That place anit going to see me. I want to see anyone there. I know that place and don't want any part of it. Any how.... I'm falling asleep. Remember me in your prayers
May God grant you peace... Hugs and Love Dawn

Re: Got my diagnosis on my pain
Posted by KAT on Tue Apr 23 23:31:35 2002 (#2200)

Dawn, Im glad you finnaly know something that can put a name to the pain in a sence.
I've head of that diagnosis you have been given, it's not good...of course, but I hope you can over come it to the best of your ability and mentally get well.
Take care

keep hangin in there, congrats on the weight loss.
I've gained about 20 lbs.
:(

love ya!
-kat

Re: Got my diagnosis on my pain
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 23:50:54 2002 (#2201)

hey dawn. I have a very good friend who suffers from fibromyalgia so I have every sympathy with you. I hate to think of you being in so much pain when you have helped me with my pain in so many ways. I often think of you and although I cannot pray as I am (still) not religious, I wish that you may be happy and not be in pain anymore. I hope you feel a little better. Love always, elle x x x

Re: Got my diagnosis on my pain
Posted by She on Wed Apr 24 00:19:11 2002 (#2209)

Hiya
Im so sorry your hurting.Well done for loosing that weight:o).keep going .
I will pray for you sweetie im not a christian but i belive theres gotta be something that will make things a lil different (i dunno though) so ill pray for you and every one ealse .
Love and light
She

Linda, Rhonda,Tara...somebody?
Posted by KAT on Wed Apr 24 00:07:20 2002 (#2205)

Hi there everyone, just wondering where the people who are missing are? does anyone know, I'd love to hear from Linda Rhonda Tara and so many more of you, sorry if I didnt list your name I have a terrrrrible memory. But I mean theres so many people who are coming together on the board and a lot are missing, a lot of made me feel comfortable and good about myself when things got shitty.
I hope everyones okay, take care..whether you're here or not.
love ya
KAT

ChrissE *me*
Posted by KAT on Wed Apr 24 00:15:03 2002 (#2208)

sorry other names are coming to me...
ah

Re: ChrissE *me*
Posted by Linda on Wed Apr 24 18:14:00 2002 (#2220)

Hey Kat!!! How nice to be remembered! I have taken on some more responsibilities in my church and that has taken my free time. I usually come by at least once a day and check to see what is going on but I don't have the luxury to put much time into thought and posts soooooooooooooo, since I know that much thought and prayer is necessary for me to be of any benefit here, I usually just opt to pray and not post.
Dawn told me you were back and I sure am glad to see that you are. She had asked me to send you a card but I never got around to it. I feel so bad because I feel I have let you all down. I still care and I still check on you.
Thanks for remembering.

Linda
Posted by KAT on Wed Apr 24 23:44:48 2002 (#2237)

Oh Linda, don't worry...you haven't let anyone down in any way, Im sure!!
keep doin what makes you most happy, thats what really counts, ya know!

Take care of yourself...

heh..now that I think back, I think you were the very very first person who ever e-mailed me from the original psyke board.
:)

keep in touch
love KAT

Re: Linda, Rhonda,Tara...somebody?
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 00:40:45 2002 (#2241)

Rhonda is still here. She just posted to me yesterday.

Re: Linda, Rhonda,Tara...somebody?
Posted by *me* on Thu Apr 25 01:52:44 2002 (#2245)

Hey KAT, I'm still here. I'm glad someone here remembers me!! I still check here at least a couple times a week. It's just lately that I've been feeling...like a little out of the loop here. It seems that almost everyone that knows/remembers me has left. All these new people have come in (I'm not saying that's bad!!! WELCOME EVERYONE!! :-)!!), but now I guess I feel like I'm..I don't know how to explain it. Not being pushed out...but just..like it's time for me to leave. I don't know. I rarely post here anymore but I do still come here. If you ever need anything I will be here. And if anyone wants to email me you can. It's linked above.

Lots of love!!

Re: Linda, Rhonda,Tara...somebody?
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Apr 25 02:19:55 2002 (#2255)

Hey KAT,
I'm still here but not much lately. I do try to
check the boards every other day or so, but my
beloved grandma has gotten so bad, we had to move her into a nursing home cause Papa just can't take care of her anymore. The hospice nurse says
it won't be too much longer before she passes
away. That's why I haven't posted very much. I'm still checking my email every day, so if you want to email me, I'll get that. Tara is doing great!
She is still with her boyfriend, Justin and she
has a new job. She cleans hotel rooms at a big
hotel here in town. The pay is pretty good and it
pays her bills so Mom doesn't have too!! (HA!HA!)
Sorry I haven't posted more than I have. I'm just
keeping in close touch with my grandparents while
I still have them around. I hope everyone understands. I still think about all of you and I
hope you're all okay. Like I said, you can email
me if you want too. Take care KAT.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: Linda, Rhonda,Tara...somebody?
Posted by KAT on Thu Apr 25 02:48:20 2002 (#2259)

Hi Rhonda, sorry to hear about your gandmother.
I completely understand, I am young still and have no grandparents left , I wish alll the time that I could have one last time with them, so I understand what your goin through, make the best of it!
hang in there, that's great about Tara..good to know things can get better, real better.
take care
love
KAT

hey guys
Posted by snoopy on Wed Apr 24 02:21:21 2002 (#2210)

hey there
sorry i have not been on much i have been working well trying to but i have finished now cause i could not handle it it got too much i was working in a surgical ward and it just got too much
anyway im fine at the moment but am still feeling down all the time and cant get suicide out of my head at all fuck it all oh well
by the way i have not cut for a week it is a record if i do say but im not sure how long it will last anyway just thought i would say hi to everyone
see ya later
snoopy

Re: hey guys
Posted by Jade on Wed Apr 24 08:45:00 2002 (#2214)

Hey, congrats for not cutting for a week. I hope you're feeling arlight, I hope that your record gets longer. Jade

PS. A cutter in a surgical ward?!?........I'm speechless.

Re: hey guys
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 24 11:25:31 2002 (#2215)

hey sweetie. well done! try to keep going, remember we're all here for you if you wanna talk. Love always, elle x x

Re: hey guys
Posted by She on Wed Apr 24 17:44:41 2002 (#2219)

Well done sweetie .
(((((((((hug)))))))
she

Re: hey guys
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:20:22 2002 (#2256)

good job i hope everythings going okay take care xxxErryn

hang on in there
Posted by someone who knows what its like on Wed Apr 24 14:03:08 2002 (#2216)

sometimes there are bad days when life becomes a fight//and all that you can do is to hang on in there tight

they say it bulids your character when your world gets rough// but you dont need to build yours you have character enough

remember dawn comes after darkness and the fiercest storms dont last// in the future this hard present will become a distant past

so heres a simple message, i hope you will read it// im always here to help you if ever theres a time you need it.

take care of yourselfs xx

Re: hang on in there
Posted by She on Wed Apr 24 18:35:47 2002 (#2221)

HIya
Thats a really nice poem sweetie thanx for sharing it .Im here for you if you ever want to e mail me or n e thing .
Love n hugzz
She

Re: hang on in there
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:18:57 2002 (#2254)

thank you xxxErryn

new adress
Posted by She on Wed Apr 24 18:39:20 2002 (#2222)

HIya everyone

I was a little nasty to the ALO peeps and the apper to have taken it personaly (lol) and are thratening to take my old e mail e=adress of me soon im not sure if theyt will or not but i have a new adress (above )If n e one every wants to mail me please do .
Love n huggles
She

Re: new adress
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:17:39 2002 (#2253)

your so funny, thats a way to go !!!!!!! take care xxxErryn

Re: new adress
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 19:48:51 2002 (#2269)

lol your so lovely.
Thanx
She

What I need
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 24 21:36:11 2002 (#2223)

skies of black and eyes of red//tortured mind and pounding head//tears may fall and cuts may bleed//who will give me what I need//arms that hold and lips that love//show me peace in snow white doves//just one kiss and one embrace//take me far from this dark place

Re: What I need
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Apr 24 21:42:02 2002 (#2225)

Wow, that poem is so great, you are SO talented, I wish someone would take me away from this dark existence that I am cursed with.
Love you girl
Ella x

Re: What I need
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:16:37 2002 (#2252)

that was cool i to wish someone would hold me!!! take care xxxErryn

Re: What I need
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 19:56:24 2002 (#2270)

Hay girl that was amazing.
Love and more love
She

secrets
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Apr 24 21:37:46 2002 (#2224)

In a world full of whispers/ No one ever tells the truth/ Advise is trust no one/ Always ask for proof// Befriend your razors/ Unite with crimson tears/ We all feel on edge/ We all live through our fears// A secret life to live/ But keep it under ground/ Hide your every limb/ Your scars must not be found// They'll never know my secret/ There is no knowledge to gain/ For you all know my secret/ And its flowing through my veins.

Re: secrets
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 24 21:58:23 2002 (#2226)

that was beautiful sweetheart. I've told you this before, but you are a really good writer. Hope you're ok honey. I'll speak to you soon. Love always. x x x

Re: secrets
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:15:09 2002 (#2251)

that was awesome hey keep writing becuz i enjoy and love them so much take care xxxErryn

Re: secrets
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 19:58:09 2002 (#2271)

That was lovly you are a wonderfull writer.,
She

It all came falling down!
Posted by Donna on Wed Apr 24 22:23:12 2002 (#2227)

hey guys.....things got great for me there..i mean really great! Now, however, everything has come falling down around me! The tears now return every night and after 5 whole weeks, i reached for that cursed blade once again! now, i feel pathetic....worse than in a long time! im walking around with no feelings..no emotions but when i get home...and lock myself up....all my emotions come out...not the way i want them to though-through my blade!! i want to get better...I can convince myself im better but deep inside i know im not and i dont know what to do about it! i've tried everything! ive lost all hope!

Re: It all came falling down!
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 24 22:38:52 2002 (#2232)

Oh sweetie, don't lose hope. You can pick yourself up again, I know you can. I know someimtes things feel hopeless and like none of this is worth the struggle but you can't give up. I'd miss you so much if you weren't here. Take care of yourself honey. Love always, el x x x

Re: It all came falling down!
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 00:43:51 2002 (#2243)

I've done the same thing and have lost all hope.

Re: It all came falling down!
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:13:34 2002 (#2250)

dont give up so you fell down pick yourself back up and try to go a different route, i know easier said than done take care xxxErryn

Re: It all came falling down!
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 20:00:07 2002 (#2272)

Hiya I missed you.
Dont give up sweetie now youve seen things can be better they could be that good again but untill then im 100% here for you .
LOads of love
She

she died
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Apr 24 22:32:35 2002 (#2228)

i said before that i wasnt cummin around for a wile....reason being my friend took overdose and was in bad way......but now im back....reason being she died this afternoon. im in shock..i havent cried yet?

Re: she died
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Apr 24 22:34:09 2002 (#2229)

arrgghh! just realised that sounded as though i was talking bout SHE who posts here! i wasnt sorry if i scared any1 i wont thinkin strate. my friend died.

Re: she died
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 24 22:36:31 2002 (#2230)

I'm so sorry sweetheart. my friend took an overdose so i kinda know how you feel. If you need to talk you know where I am. Love ya girl. elle x x x

Re: she died
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Apr 24 22:38:14 2002 (#2231)

did you feel as though it was your fault?? coz thats what im feeling? i fink her mum blames me 2

Re: she died
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 24 22:44:28 2002 (#2233)

Oh god yeah I did. I was away from school for 6 months previously because I was ill and although we were best friends it was hard for us to see much of each other. Then I went away on holiday and when I came back I found out what had happened. I felt like I'd let her down because I hadn't been there for her when she needed me, even though I couldn't help being ill. This friend survived, although my other friend killed herse;f in a different way, but I'll never forgive myself for not being there, even though she says it wasn't my fault. I just feel like I could've done something you know? She's got all these long term health problems now because of what she took, liver/kidney damage etc and I hate myself for it. I'm sure it wasn't your fault darlin. why do you think her mum blames you?

Re: she died
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed Apr 24 22:52:48 2002 (#2234)

because i wasnt there for her. but i was there for her as much as i cud have bin i think. i hope i was. i miss her already. no she cant be gone she cant. i want to be with her. she understood me. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. shes dead? shes gone

Re: she died
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 24 23:09:50 2002 (#2235)

sweetheart I'm sure you were there as much as you could have been. People say things or imply things when they're grieving that they don't really mean. I'm sure when her mum has had chance to sort her head out and think things through she'll see that you're not to blame. In the mean time you are NOT to blame yourself. I know you'll miss her and that you're hurting right now, but in time that hurt will fade. You'll never forget her but you'll learn to live without her. It won't be easy, but always know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Love you. x x x

Re: she died
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:11:34 2002 (#2249)

hey girl sorry to hear about your friend, i hope you can cry and feel like its not your fault because its not, if you need anything please e-mail or write on here take care xxxErryn

Re: she died
Posted by Jade on Thu Apr 25 09:27:57 2002 (#2264)

Oh sweet heart, I'm sorry that you have to go through this, I know that it's hard. My best friend overdosed a little over a year ago and I blamed myself entirely, actually I still do and I don't want you to have to deal with all the irrational guilt that can go along with it. I hope that you know that you're not to blame and that while you miss her alot you need to remember that you have people who love you and would be devastated if anything happened to you, just like you're upset about your friend. I can't say that it will be easy to get past this, but I promise that you can do it. Please take care of yourself sweetie. ~ Jade

Re: she died
Posted by KAT on Wed Apr 24 23:40:44 2002 (#2236)

Im so sorry your friend has died.
Dont try and deal with it on your own, it's going to probably make it ten times harder!

If only suicide victims could realize that some of the real victims are the ones left behind.
I know that God has your friend in his care now, so no need to worry.
Cry, cry all you need to...dont hold it back..
*hugs*
love
KAT

Re: she died
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Apr 25 02:27:34 2002 (#2257)

Oh honey! I'm so sorry! Is there anything I can
do to help? I don't really know what else to say
cause I haven't had any really close friends die
yet, but my grandma's death is on the way soon. I
will say prayers for you. Take care of yourself,
honey and remember, I'm thinking of you.
Love,Rhonda

Re: she died
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 20:07:36 2002 (#2273)

Hiya Princess
Oh girl im so sorry , Your were ther for her sweetie.She must of loved you loads.I kinda know how you feel 2 peeps in week but i was v young and i seamed to be able to deale with things then .
If you every want to talk you know where i am .
LOve an hugs
She

Getting closer to the blade
Posted by KAT on Wed Apr 24 23:50:49 2002 (#2238)

so it's been 68 days since I had my 30 some stitches put in.

haven't cut or anything in those 68 days.

In school we are talking about Teenage suicide and depression.

I've had some rough times in the past couple weeks, I completly broke down and just started hating myself again, but still nno cutting, no starving, no anything!

but now..I remember how I felt so'whole' when I had cutting in my life, and I reallllly want to do it.

I feel like nothing, I mean I know that's most likely an infalted perception of myself, but still....that doesnt change how I feel.

Re: Getting closer to the blade
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 25 00:09:23 2002 (#2239)

You've done so well. I don't think I could manage without cutting for that long. Please don't give up. You're bound to have bad times, everybody does, but coming as far as you have is such an acheivement. You are a very special person. I've never spoken to you directly before, but I've read your posts on here and on the other board and I know how much you've brought to people here, past and present. I know I can't tell you that you mustn't hate yourself or feel that you are nothing, for one I would be a hyppocrit to do so and two, it isn't my place to tell you how to feel, but i can tell you how I see you and that is not as somebody who is worthless. take care of yourself. love always, elle x x

Re: Getting closer to the blade
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 00:31:17 2002 (#2240)

I know you can overcome this. I think it was you who just a few days ago was telling your story about how you quit. And I wrote you back. I thought it was great you were a hero in my eyes. And you still are. I have just recently started back. Actually today was my second slip up and I hate myself for it. I know you can do it.

Re: Getting closer to the blade
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:07:43 2002 (#2248)

hang in there and keep positive thoughts im proud of you for going that long keep it up and take care xxxErryn

Re: Getting closer to the blade
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Apr 25 02:32:46 2002 (#2258)

This is for you sweetie!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm thinking about you. I've lost your email
address, so can you send it to me? I'll understand
if you don't want to. Remember how I love to
send e-cards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care of yourself
sweetie, you're very special to me. Talk to ya
later. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Getting closer to the blade
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 20:11:31 2002 (#2274)

(((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) )))))))
If you ever want to talk e mail me or something im here for you and im very proud you went so long without cutting well done dont give up yet
love sheb

Falling down the ladder
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 00:42:33 2002 (#2242)

I've fallen. I cut once. Now I cut two more times. I thought I could do it but it was too much for me to overcome. I'm even getting help for it but it seems like it makes it worse.

Re: Falling down the ladder
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 02:05:19 2002 (#2247)

I feel talking about it makes me want to do it more, hang in there okay xxxErryn

Re: Falling down the ladder
Posted by KAT on Thu Apr 25 02:54:52 2002 (#2260)

Hi there we haven't formally met, so anyhow, Hi.

I like how you put it as "falling down the ladder"

this shows hope, that ladder is still there for you to climb back up you just fell down a few steps, a lot of times in therapy it seems like things get worse, but that might be because your talking about stressors and pain and they are fresh in your mind.
Keep at it and you will get what's best for you hopefully..
A lot of the time when people 'relapse' cut again, they think they've failed, but really it's not a failure just a minor set back.
So hang in there, and take care of yourself
In NA we have a saying thats fairly common, it says..
'One day at a time'

just take it one day at a time..
love KAT

Re: Falling down the ladder
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 04:03:33 2002 (#2262)

You guys are so great. I'm so happy that I found this board and people to talk to that are so understanding.

A different me
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 00:48:38 2002 (#2244)

A couple weeks ago I posted that I had told my mom about my disorder. But I lied. I don't have a mom and I just call her my mom because that's what she is to me. I'm sorry for lying. But now that I've started my therapy she hasn't been talking to me and even avoiding me. I didn't know why until today my therapist told me that she wasn't allowed to interfere with it. That is so fucked up. So now I'm alone again. It hurts real bad. It is so not fair. My therapist told me that she is hurting too and misses me. So now I have to choose between therapy and getting over my problems or her and living with my problems. I can't take life anymore. It's over.

Re: A different me
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 01:57:05 2002 (#2246)

hey which one is more important to you? I dont have a mom mine shot herself 11 yrs ago and i would do anything to find someone to act like my mom again! so think hard because she could help you if you can trust in her take care xxxErryn

Re: A different me
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 04:02:04 2002 (#2261)

But I know this person would be angry with me if I quit therapy because she is the one who set it up for me. I'm so confused. It's like pick something that will make me happy and live with something that makes me unhappy or pick something that will eventually make me better and lose something that will make me feel like shit. What the hell did I just say. I told you I'm confused.

Re: A different me
Posted by Dawn on Thu Apr 25 05:01:39 2002 (#2263)

I know you are like between a rock and a hard place. I'm not young and dependent of others, in fact I've been depending on myself and God my entire life. It is a difficult place to be in, but I think if this woman you call Mom didn't really want you to get better she never have set it up for you in the first place. It sounds to me like this will work itself out if you are patient with the process of getting better.

I have three older half sisters. All were abused by my father. All of us deal with it differently. I am the only one who went gaga and took the journey of therapy.One sister just sums it up that my dad (who was their uncle by marriage to begin with then was adopted by my father after our mother's divorce was finalized) that my dad was a "sick man" and leaves the subject as closed. The other two don't deal with it at all. They live as if it never happened.

We all live with it differently because its too difficult to think about. So what I'm saying is give your mom time to face whatever she is trying to stay one step ahead of. Do your work you need to do and get strong so when she is ready to come to you you will be ready to hold each other up.
What I am saying is that it sounds to me that at this point you both are is a different place. Give it time and you will come together. It may take a while, but please remember if she didn't care she would not have set it up for you.

Doing the work of recovery it hard, But you are not alone. I've been working on my stuff since 1982 some years were tougher that others. But I'm winning the fight. And you have us here on the board. Email me when you need to.L4compassion

Re: A different me
Posted by Jade on Thu Apr 25 10:04:13 2002 (#2265)

If you view this woman as your mother than by all means you may call her your mom, and she obviously loves you because she got you help. My personal opinion, which right now is VERY strong, is that you shouldn't have to chose between getting help and being with this woman because I think that they are the same thing, I think that she must be very good for you. If this woman is a positive thing in your life then you should definitely NOT stop seeing her, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't go to therapy if that's what you want. Ask your therapist what her motive is and if she has a reason, if she has a specific plan that needs to keep you from seeing her (although I can't think of any) then you might have to trust your therapist and wait to see her until you get things settled out, but to be honest, it sounds like it is doing more harm then anything else right now. I think that therapy makes you deal with so many traumatic things already, that it really shouldn't be the actual cause of any. Maybe you should look into a different therapist, maybe one who would even include her in a session or two. If you expect to work things out in therapy then you will need a therapist that you trust and some support outside of therapy, so I hope that you can either find a therapist who understands, or that you can work things out with this situation. Good luck with whatever you chose. Jade

not sure what to do here...
Posted by kae on Thu Apr 25 13:15:34 2002 (#2266)

I'm sick with a shitty cold...last thing I needed right now. My head feels like its going to explode and I'm sooo tired...

The counsellor has actually emailed me back. She wants me to consider 'getting cutting out of my life' and to tell her if and when I want to see her. I don't think she really gives a shit either way...shes just covering her ass. And I don't know what she'd be able to say or do to help anything...she hasn't been terribly helpful in the past. She just flicked me aside like I didn't matter in the slightest...I don't know whether to trust her or not. I've decided that I do want to do something for myself...to at least try, anyway. Otherwise, I know I'm going to end up killing myself. At the moment, I can't see reason to 'help' myself when everything is so obviously not going to work out for me...and counselling isn't going to fix the way I am. I'm unwanted by society and nothing can change that.

Anywayz...I just don't know what I'll do from here.

kae

Re: not sure what to do here...
Posted by brad on Thu Apr 25 17:41:30 2002 (#2268)

kae,

listen sweety, i know how hard life is. believe me i do. my advice to you is, just fight on and take things day by day. if you just take things day-by-day, it will make life significantly easier. tell me something, do you take anti-depressant tablets (if so, which ones)? it would perhaps be advisable for you do increase the dose you are currently taking. in the meantime, take 2 panadol tablets every four hours, and lie in bed so that you are nice and warm. if you don't get physically any better after a day or two, contact your doctor. god bless.

brad

write back soon.

Re: not sure what to do here...
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 20:21:31 2002 (#2275)

Im sorry about things your so lovly you dont deserve to go throgh . Conserlers are wierd huh.
Hope your cold gets better soon .
love n hugs
She

Re: not sure what to do here...
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Apr 26 00:05:38 2002 (#2293)

You can make it past this. Give counseling a try. I'm just now starting my therapy and I have no feelings on it now but I'm gonna give it time. It's gonna be hard but I believe it can help me.

Re: not sure what to do here...
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 26 17:52:33 2002 (#2319)

counselling can help some people. it made me worse, but that's just me. I know you can get through this sweetheart, just keep fighting and look after yourself. love always, el x x x

I went to a party...
Posted by brad on Thu Apr 25 17:35:55 2002 (#2267)

I went to a party,
And remembered what you said,
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
As the party finally ended,
The kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming Mom,
Something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
“The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,”
Mom, His voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry,
I can hear the paramedic say,
“This girl is going to die.”

I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it Mom,
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid Mom,
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put “Daddy's Girl” on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That its wrong to drink and drive,
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter Mom,
I'm getting really scared,
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die,
I wish that I could say I love you Mom,
So I love you and good-bye.

Re: I went to a party...
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 20:26:09 2002 (#2276)

wow that was really good .Thanx for sharing that with us.Its deep i like that .
Thank you again .
LOve n hugs n more hugs
She~Berry

Re: I went to a party...
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Apr 25 20:33:23 2002 (#2278)

Wow, that is an amazing poem. makes me want to cry, I wish I could but I cant anymore... Really good poem though, like She said; thanks for sharing it with us.
Ella x

Re: I went to a party...
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 23:46:54 2002 (#2289)

that was awesome please keep sharing xxErryn

Re: I went to a party...
Posted by KAT on Fri Apr 26 00:11:28 2002 (#2294)

Oh my god...that was wonderful!
I've heard different versions that are similar, but this one is reallly touching.

Thanks for posting it!!!!!!!!

-KAT

Re: I went to a party...
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Apr 26 04:11:29 2002 (#2309)

All I can say is, WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a powerful poem! Please keep writing. Take
care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: I went to a party...
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 26 17:50:32 2002 (#2318)

that was great. really touching. x x

Guess their right
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Apr 25 20:29:28 2002 (#2277)

I guess mums right: I'm just pathetic, lazy and stupid. I am repulsive. I am so lonely I don't even want to be with myself, I hate myself so much. There you go I hope all the people who have pumped this pessimism into me over the years are happy now. I bet they all feel so proud. I used to celebrate my depression in the beginning; does that make any sense? I used to allow myself to wallow and absorb the sadness of my surroundings. But now its all changed, I'm not in control anymore, the thing I used to control my feelings now controls my whole life. I'm just killing time in this dead mans queue. I'm on borrowed time, just a shadow of my former self living in fear of the emptiness that occupies me.
A girl saw my ankle full of cuts today, they were fresh and obviously done on purpose and she asked me how I did that… then accused me of doing it to myself, I lied and told her that it was just some accident, but she didn't believe me. She said that it had better been an accident otherwise our friendship was finished. She said it in a jokey way but how could she know that I have lived in fear of those words for so long?
Ella x

Re: Guess their right
Posted by greeneggsam on Thu Apr 25 22:17:15 2002 (#2279)

I know exactly how you feel, the way depression sort of takes you over. I used to like being a "freak" and being "different," but now I just wish I had the self-control I used to have.

As far as being found out, it sounds like this girl just wants the best for you, but she hasn't experienced SI and doesn't really understand or know how to help. If you feel close enough to her, I'd suggest talking to her and explainig why you cut. If she doesn't want to listen, then maybe it's best that you sever your ties with her. I was lucky, the only friend of mine who has found me out is also a cutter, so we talk pretty openly about things that give most "normal" people the creeps.

Whether or not you feel comfortable talking to this girl, I'm always willing to listen. Hope things get better for you.

Sam

Re: Guess their right
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 23:27:21 2002 (#2283)

HIya
I know what you mean its so hard to lught of every comment thown your way it gets to much some times .
Its strange how people react to si isnt it .It pritty damn hurtfull to. You could try to talk to her it she loves you then she should be ok and help you .
Im always here for you if you would like to talk n e time.
Loads of love
SHE

Re: Guess their right
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 23:44:28 2002 (#2287)

i know too about being weird freaky and pathetic, i always have to prove myself to br these things so people wont expect to much. dont worry about your friend, maybe she just got nervous think how you would react to it. take care xxxErryn

Re: Guess their right
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Apr 26 00:02:39 2002 (#2292)

That was my biggest fear also. Losing my friends. But i am just now realizing that people who can't stand by me when I'm having problems are not my real friends. It is really hard to overcome but we have to just move on.

Re: Guess their right
Posted by KAT on Fri Apr 26 00:15:38 2002 (#2295)

Sometimes when peop,e are kidding, it hurts like a stinging cut.
I know once my friends ALL left me, every single one of them left me once my cutting had taken over my life, and I dont have them by my side anymore.

Be catious of this
Depression has taken over your life it sounds like, you said you cant control it anymore, this is now something you cant make go away on your own.
Know that your going to need help and support, Im here to support and give advice, but when depression gets that deep its really good to get it all out and tell someone who's actually there in person for ya,
take care I hope things get better
I've been there before!

-KAT
PS.your mothers not right...

Re: Guess their right
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 26 17:48:48 2002 (#2317)

hey baba! at one point I lost all of my friends because they couldn't handle how "weird" I was. it was then I found out who really cared and who I could really trust. sweetheart, people like that aren't worth it. you are such a special person and you deserve so much more. and your mum isn't right at all. i'll mail you soon ok hun? love ya! el x x x

hurting him
Posted by greeneggsam on Thu Apr 25 22:23:56 2002 (#2280)

I've been feeling really strange and unlike myself lately. Instead of just wanting to make myself bleed (by cutting or picking), I've been tempted to hurt other people.

Last night, I was laying next to my boyfriend with my arm over him, when I had this incredible urge to dig my nails into him and make him bleed, make him hurt like I hurt. I'm not really sure why, because I love him with all my heart.

Luckily, I stopped myself. I dug my nails into my palm, bit my lip, and then snuck off to the bathroom to cut.

Has anyone every had these kinds of twisted feelings? Is there any way to suppress them? I feel comfortable cutting myself because it doesn't hurt anybody else, but now I'm afraid of what I might do.

Sam

Re: hurting him
Posted by .::kim::. on Thu Apr 25 22:38:10 2002 (#2282)

i know how you feel. i dont like hurting others so that is usually why i hurt myself. i have no cut since Feb. maybe, im not sure. but since i have stopped i now have a bigger urge to hurt other people. i hate it, and i can't cut because i am under constant watch.
well i hope you figure out why you are feeling the way you are
just try and remember that sometimes the people you want to hurt, are not the people making you feel hurt

Re: hurting him
Posted by She on Thu Apr 25 23:30:33 2002 (#2284)

I dunno .Ive kinda of felt maby if other people understod what pain i felt they would understand me a little better but i dont think i could ever do n e thing to any one else.
Love n hugz
SHE

Re: hurting him
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 25 23:40:18 2002 (#2286)

ive never hurt anyone either, but i wish i could so they could hurt to some people drive me crazy!!! anyways good luck and be safe!!xxErryn

Re: hurting him
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 25 23:59:50 2002 (#2291)

I used to have the same urges when I was little and cutting took them over. This is why I cut because I don't want to hurt anybody else emotionally. We just have to be more vocal with our feelings. We bury our emotions and it is making us into a whole different type of person.

I know exactly what you mean!!!!
Posted by KAT on Fri Apr 26 00:18:32 2002 (#2296)

Hi there, I have had this happen to me so many times, I thought what the hell is wrong with me, and Ive talked to people, professionals, about it before.
They didnt give me much of a straight answer, but assured me it wasnt something that I REALLY wanted to do, it was just an urge, a terrible one.

I would spend the night at my best friend in the whole worlds house and I would wake up in the middle of the night and want to strangle her and shoot her with her mothers gun, and then kill the rest of the family.
Yah I know gruesome..its happened other times before, and gotten out of control.
I just had so many unresolved issues with my past and so much rage that it was somehow coming out subconsiously..
talk about it, and I think the urges will go away or lessen.
Take care
love
KAT

Re: I know exactly what you mean!!!!
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 26 17:45:01 2002 (#2316)

sometimes I can feel my hands tensing up like i'm going to hit the person closest to me, no matter who it is. I cut to stop myself from letting my anger out on other people. I would hate myself so much if I hurt anyone.