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Threads 501 to 525

Taunts
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Apr 19 20:19:34 2002 (#2053)

Shout a little louder/ Go on have your fun/ Make your little comments/ Make your witty puns// Hurt me a bit more/ Then you'll make me cry/ Guess it must get dull/ Now you don't have to try// You've broke down the defences/ Tortured my inner self/ But now its getting boring/ So you'll thrust me back on the shelf.

Yeah I guess its funny/ From your point of view/ It must be hilarious/ To spread lies like they are true// Must be such a laugh/ To live without my fears/ So instead you snigger/ You flaunt your ugly sneers// Life is one long joke/ When your living at the top/ But one day your gonna fall/ Then those taunts are gonna stop.

Hi
Not the best poem I know, but that's how I feel about all those people at school who make my life hell. I've just realised that 'Its been a While' by Stained is the story of my life, the lyrics might as well be my autobiography. I'm not usually into that type of music really (System of a Down and Nirvana excluded!) but its great song.
Any one else like it?
Love Ella x

Re: Taunts
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 19 22:23:25 2002 (#2058)

I love that song. The poem was great sweetie, it really described my school life. People say your school days are supposed to be the best days of your life. Well I was bullied so badly right from the beginning that there wasn't one single night when I didn't cry myself to sleep or wake up considering suicide so I wouldn't have to face another day. School and the people in it contributed immensly to the situation I'm in today. Education is good for you?? Is it fuck.
Despite that I still stayed on to 6th form and hope to go to uni because I want to try and make some shred of good come out of my years of torture. I hope to make money out of my writing (yeah right) but until then I need qualifications.

God I'm so sorry to be talking shit like this. I've had a terrible day and need to talk otherwise I know I'll be adding to the scars on my arms. Feel free to ignore this. Sorry

Re: Taunts
Posted by Erryn on Fri Apr 19 23:24:59 2002 (#2065)

hey i liked it. its really like me to becuz it seems that evveryone thinks its funny that my arms are so ugly i dont know though i like stained to they are cool the lyrics are so deep well im done rambling now. take care and keep writing xxErryn

Re: Taunts
Posted by She on Sat Apr 20 00:05:24 2002 (#2070)

wow that was amazing .
She

Re: Taunts
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Apr 20 03:25:16 2002 (#2076)

Hey, that's one of my favorite songs!! Of course,
it's the only one I've heard by them. Take care of
yourself.
Love, RHonda

To: ?
Posted by donnas mum on Fri Apr 19 21:30:44 2002 (#2055)

i respect what everyone on here must be going through but i think that it is unhealthy for my daughter to be coming on here talking to people she has never met before when she should be encouraged to talk to her family and REAL friends. with all due respect none of you know my daughter so please dont try and tell me how to do my job. i love my daughter and i konw whats best for her.

Re: To: ?
Posted by donnas mum on Fri Apr 19 21:35:59 2002 (#2056)

i posted that message by mistake without finishing.........

which is why i have decided that she can come here as long as she realises i am going to be reading every post she makes. if it is privacy she wanted she wouldnt come here to post....she would write in her diary or something. i dont agree with it but there you go. oh and donna i know you ll read this now so...im not angry at you for wriing that. im ashamed that you couldnt come and say it to my face. i love you but this is something we may never agree on.

Re: To: ?
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 19 22:16:44 2002 (#2057)

I'm glad you decided to let donna stay here but I'm not sure that she'll want to under those circumstances as she's often said to me that this is her only outlet for feelings that she doesn't want to share with you. With respect, it seems to me that many of the people donna has met here are more like friends towards her it seems than her "real" friends who treat her like crap. I know there are a few exceptions to this but only very few. I'm sorry to talk to you like this but you really don't seem to have any clue about why donna wants to be here in the first place. eleanor x x

To eleanor & donna's mum
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 19 23:14:23 2002 (#2060)

Eleanor, I'm going to have to agree with Donna's mum on this one. Do you all really think that you could know more about her than her family. Her mother has known her since birth. She knows the experiences that have made Donna who she is today. Yes, perhaps she has been influenced by others with differing views but when the real test comes, it will be her family that will be there to wipe up the blood and experience the devastating results of the harm she does to herself. There is no way that we here on this board can possibly only hear Donna's side of the story and make a real wise judgement as to how she may be helped.
I think that you all are serving a purpose for one another in helping others to feel like they are not alone in their pain but when it comes to getting better, her family is going to play the most crucial role.
The best thing that Donna can do is respect the fact that her Mum loves her enough to watch very closely something that she sees as a possible hurt to her daughter. After all, she could be like many other's parents who have no care at all.
Bless you, "donna's mum" as you work through this difficult situation.

Re: To: ?
Posted by Erryn on Fri Apr 19 23:15:33 2002 (#2061)

i also agree that we are her real friends we dont treat her like crap we understand her and are here for her. there is nothing wrong with us, except we all share a mental disorder of si. and yes it is a disorder and yes it is real..
Erryn

Re: To: ?
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Apr 19 23:27:54 2002 (#2066)

The people here in this forum are the only friends I can talk to about my feelings straight forward without hesitation. We may not know Donnas as much as you but we can empasize and sympathize more than you because we are all coming from the same place. We are all here to help eachother. I have not si'd in three weeks and everyone in this forum has given me an extra reason for me not to. They continue to encourage me. This is a great discussion board with genuine people.

Re: To: ?
Posted by She on Sat Apr 20 00:11:46 2002 (#2071)

Hiya
Im not gonna tell you what i thinks best fro donna or who she needs to mix with brecause i dont know .But i do know that i love her to bits and i care for her more then any of my "real" friends .I also know i probably wouldnt be around without this board and i think mabey donna feels the same about it.
I dont know what it must be like to be you with someone you care so much about cutting i haven been in that situation but it must be pritty hard.
(((((((((((huge hug)))))))))))
love
She

To Donna's Mom from Tara's Mom
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Apr 20 03:23:33 2002 (#2075)

Hi,
I'm the mother of a cutter also.My daughter has been cut free for almost 1 full year. I am so proud of her and I tell her this every day. I'm very happy that you decided to let Donna continue
to post here although I don't know if she will now
feel comfortable with that. Please, I don't mean
any disrespect, but do you really talk WITH and
listen to Donna's pain? It is so important for her
to have someone who she can trust to tell anything
too. When TAra first started cutting, I was in
total shock and couldn't understand why she would do something like this. My first thought was, what
did I fail to do for her. It took Tara threatening
to kill herself and make sure I found her body for
me to wake up and start my journey on finding out
the causes for this disorder. I have learned so much in the past 4 years and I'm always glad to
see a parent get involved in their kids lives. If
I could give you some advice it would be to please
listen to her and find a good therapist. Dr. Gilbert saved my daughter's life, I truly believe
that. He listened without condeming her and helped
her find the answers. Tara was raped when she was 14 years old and that is what started this whole
thing. She didn't think she was worth anything to
anybody. She also didn't realize how much of a fight I would put up to save her, even when she didn't want to be saved. I've always told all the
kids on here that I would die for Tara and I will
feel like that till I die. If you want to talk or
anything, I would be happy too. LIke I said, I'm
always happy when I see a parent get involved with
their kids. Take care of yourself and please take
care of Donna, she is a very special girl.
Love, Rhonda

Donna's Mum, pls read
Posted by Amanda on Sun Apr 21 10:51:42 2002 (#2107)

Hi, befor I tell you my opinions on this subject I'd like to tell you my basic background so you can understand why I think the way i do.
I was never raped/assulted/abused in any way, but i saw things that scared me when i was younger. i had a step father who had an anger control problem, we were all on edge all the time. then he and my mum divorced and she got together with a guy who thought it was ok for him to break into our house after my mum had kicked him out. that was the first night i cut. i was 11 and 1/2. i found this board a year later, for a long time it didnt really help, then one day, i cant remember exactly why, but i realised that cutting was unhealthy. the people here made me realise that. my family had been telling me that for a year but the people here made me think it for myself. by that time i was...i dont know if this is the right word but i suppose i was addicted to SI. i couldnt stop, i knew i wanted to but i couldnt. my family didnt understand me and there was a major communication problem between me and my mum. the board supported me, i remember many times when ive been posting a message and i could hardly type coz i was crying so much. and the people here, although they could not see or here me they knew i was hurting and they helped me. now, thank to the board, i havnt cut for about 6 months, and i havnt SIed at all for about 2 months. also thanks to the board and in particular Tara's mum, the communication between me and my mum is improving. we talk more and i feel so much closer to her.
this is what i believe we are doing for donna. we provide a voice that she can choose whether or not to listen to. we put no pressure on her, we do not insist that she listen to our ways, we just tell her how things were for ourselves. she chooses if she wants to listen to our advise and she provides advice to us when we need it. i think if you give donna a bit of space then after a while she will come to you and the rest of her family. i dont post here very often any more because i find it easier to talk to my "real" friends and family as you call them. but this board and the old board we the best family i had forseveral years. all i ask from you is give donna her personal space, she will come to you when she feels ready, untill then we will help her. dont ever think that we discourage her from talking to you, if anything we encourage it.

i hope this has help you understand our way of life. and im sorry it was so long, i just wanted to share my views.

Amanda

life's a bitch........................
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 19 22:36:37 2002 (#2059)

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel so shitty and down, I've been crying for no reason all day. I just feel so stupid. I never cry but this afternoon I cryed so hard it hurt. All I want is for someone to put their arms around me and tell me it's all ok. Is that too much to ask?
I wanted to apologise for all the posts I've put on here today. I've been ranting so much and I was really rude to donna's mum which I'm so sorry about. I'm just...... oh I don't know. sorry

Re: life's a bitch........................
Posted by Erryn on Fri Apr 19 23:20:13 2002 (#2062)

hey i hope it goes better for you i know sometimes it feels like it will never but who knows maybe there is hope. also i like when you rant becuz if feel like we have known each other forever. well i hope your okay take care and keep in touch xxErryn

Re: life's a bitch........................
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Apr 19 23:23:03 2002 (#2063)

You've always been there for me and everybody here in the forum. I wish I was there to hug you. It hurts me to know you hurt so bad. I wish all of us here could be together. I am really sorry.

Re: life's a bitch........................
Posted by Linda on Fri Apr 19 23:23:14 2002 (#2064)

(((((((((((((((((((Eleanor)))) ))))))))))))))) wish you were here and I could give you that hug in person. I hope my post in answer to your's to "donna's mum" did not hurt you. It was not meant to but I really felt you should hear it. I know you all really feel like this self-injury puts you in a little "club" of your own, but please recognize it to be harmful to your well-being. It is not what it appears. I know it appears to be giving you relief in some way but does it last?? There is hope and it is not in self-injury! Love to you, little hurt one.

Re: life's a bitch........................
Posted by She on Sat Apr 20 00:14:10 2002 (#2072)

(((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))) )))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((hug)))))) )))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((hug)))))) )))))))))))))))))
I love you i love you i love you i love you i love you loads n loads
Shexxxxxxx

Re: life's a bitch........................
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Apr 20 03:38:30 2002 (#2077)

That's okay honey, everyone has bad days. I'm just
sorry that you seem to have more than your share
of them. Anything I can do to help you out? I'm gonna try to send you a funny card. Maybe I'll get
lucky and it will go through. Cry a little and get
that out of your system, then pick yourself up
and start walking again. I have faith in you sweetie. Written anything new lately? Take care of
yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

To Rhonda
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 20 18:06:00 2002 (#2088)

I'm so sorry for everything. I have written some new things. I'll email them to you if you want but I won't be coming on here again. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I wish I had a mom like you. Love always. eleanor x

self injury!!
Posted by Erryn on Fri Apr 19 23:36:58 2002 (#2067)

I was just reading the posts and feel i have to respond. This "thing" that we do is serious and yes we have fall backs, but this board helps me not to do it. I dont have a family besides my children my mom shot herself 11 yrs ago. and my dad is ignorant to lifes challanges that i face. this "thing" cant just go away and we dont just get over it we cant just stop when people tell us to. it is a addition and it takes a lot to overcome. so dont come on here telling us that we arent someones "real" friend when this may be the only people that we have. we all understand and love each other. we dont tell each other to cut or kill yourself, we help and if you cant understand that then you dont need to be here. Oh and i will be here as long as im alive and i will help as much as i can.
Erryn

Re: self injury!!
Posted by She on Sat Apr 20 00:16:48 2002 (#2073)

Hello
I know hwat you mean about this bord and i love every one one here loads it has helped alot .
Thankyou
She

Re: self injury!!
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Apr 20 00:21:48 2002 (#2074)

Tell them all girl!!!!!

Re: self injury!!
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 20 17:44:32 2002 (#2085)

yeah, that's so true. I love you so much! And thank you for everything you've done for me, it helps so much. Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x x

life deals another blow...
Posted by kae on Sat Apr 20 04:05:05 2002 (#2078)

I think I'm getting worse, both mentally and physically...

Yesterday I sat my full driving license test. I'd had lots of preparation for it and, because most of my friends have already got it - even the 'not so great' drivers - there was a tiny smidgen of hope that the instructor would be fairly lenient. Anyway, I thought I did quite well...I remembered everything that my instructor told me and I drove "granny-styles" as my mates had told me to.

We get to the end of the test. The testing officer immediately starts lecturing me on "coasting with the clutch in"...something that I've always done, even when I was with my instructor, and he never mentioned it. I don't even think about it. I failed the whole test because of it. Thats $115 down the drain. Well done, Katie.

The worst part was that the testing officer was so nasty...I was almost crying and he just finished lecturing me, said "Right, I'll leave you to it then" and walked off. He didn't give a shit. He might as well have handed me a loaded gun and said "Right, I'll leave you to it."

The only people who knew about my test were a couple of my friends - I didn't even tell my parents when it was. I couldn't face going back to school...so I drove to a small rest area beside the lake, about 20 minutes from town. I cried the whole way. I stopped my car under some trees in the rest area and cried for an hour.
I was sooo miserable....even though I am well aware that there are much worse things in the world to cry about, this was a big deal to me. I just couldn't stop crying. Eventually I rang my mum on my cell phone, and she convinced me that it didn't matter, and that I had to come home.

Talk about a bad day...I cut my lower leg last night, then banged a screwdriver against my arm while listening to Alanis Morisette. My SI is really ugly at the moment...my entire lower left arm is covered in large purple scars, scabs, burns, weeping cuts and a big red gash. Its sick. I'm sick. I don't know if I need help or not...I don't know what to do. I'm scared that, if I went to a counsellor or something, they'd just dismiss me like everyone else has. It seems that I'd have to show someone every wound I've ever inflicted on myself before they'd believe that things weren't quite right...

At least yesterday proved that I CAN still cry...I was wondering if my eyes had forgotten how to.

kae

Re: life deals another blow...
Posted by snoopy on Sat Apr 20 08:33:56 2002 (#2079)

im so sorry to hear that u failed ur test but hey that police guy who took the test with u sounds like a total cow.
Theres allways another go i know a friend who failed it twice then got it right so u r not the only one
anyway try to keep smiling i know its hard when all this shits going around u
snoops

Re: life deals another blow...
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 20 17:47:33 2002 (#2086)

hey sweetie. Listen, I'm sure you'll pass that test, I have so much faith in you. I know when you feel down anyway something like that can seem like the end of the world, but it isn't. Take care of yourself and go out and pass your test. Show that bloody idiot what you're made of!!!! Love always, el x x

Re: life deals another blow...
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat Apr 20 21:39:08 2002 (#2093)

yeh its good to cry sometimes.....but its hard tho for me too sometimes to cry. hope you feel better soon xxx

Re: life deals another blow...
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun Apr 21 15:38:27 2002 (#2117)

Maybe you should give counseling a go. When I started going my therapist didn't ask to see a single scar or cut or anything. Before my first visit to her someone had filled her in on my cutting. But she didn't even bring it up. She was waiting for me to tell her. She is really great. You just have to find one that is good for you. Don't settle for anything else.

upset very upset
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat Apr 20 13:37:50 2002 (#2080)

ive finally talked my mum around to lettin me on again and now im here i want to leave straight away. im on complete shock at the replies that my mum got. at first when i had the 1st lot emailed to me by crimson tears (thanks for that again chuck..luv ya) i was kinda touched. i finally felt as though i want alone anymore, that i had people who cared for me. but now ive just come on and seen the other replies. it has made me feel ashamed to be who i am. all of a sudden this whole "we all care for donna and want whats best for her" thing seems to have turned into a big argument on the board....people siding with me, people siding with mum, people arguing over me. ca you imagine how that makes me feel? the only place i felt wanted, the only place where people understand me has been ridiculed. arguing over me when everyone needs to remember i did not ask for any of this at all. not that im blaming anyone on the board, my mum started this. but im so hurt and angry and ashamed. i feel as though i have been used. does that maake sense? i dont know but thats how i feel. its almost like i have been betrayed.

im sorry that this issue with my mum has turned into a public debate and im sorry that im not willing to carry it on.

youve all helped me loads but i cant possibly come back here anymore...not now, not after this. after all this fighting ot get back on here...and all for nothing? all for nothing.

jesus im so sorry for the disruptions i have caused. yet again i have prooved myself. i am a failure and i have failed oyu as much as i feel i have been failed myself.

thankyou for the suport (most of you) xxx

maybe in time...a long time now! i might forget about my pride and come here..but then ill never feel the same again...ill feel as though no one here wants me to be here just like it is at home

when am i going to find people who like me without me messing it all up?

Re: upset very upset
Posted by Erryn on Sat Apr 20 16:02:43 2002 (#2081)

hey i didnt mean to start a fight or make you feel like it was your fault it isnt even your mom im talking about it is the other woman saying that elanor would only be releaved for a little while her, we were upset about your mom saying we werent your real friends but you know thats not true im sorry if i messed it up please come back i was just trying to help sorry xxxErryn

Re: upset very upset
Posted by She on Sat Apr 20 16:19:32 2002 (#2083)

I love you chick.
(((((((((huge huggle)))))))))))
Stay in touch yeah
She

I'll go. It's all my fault
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 20 18:00:04 2002 (#2087)

sweetie I'm so sorry. I'm the one who should go not you. I was in such a state about things that are going on in my life at the moment and I took it out on your mum. god I'm so sorry. I made such a mess of it all. I acted like the stupid useless bitch that I am and screwed it all up for all of you. fuck. donna please don't go. it was me who started all the arguments not you. I'll leave, you'd all be better off without me anyway. I'm just a complete fuck up. I'm so sorry for all of this. i'm such a mess. please take care of yourselves and know that i love you all. i'm so sorry.

Re: I'll go. It's all my fault
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat Apr 20 20:10:25 2002 (#2089)

Shit oh no you dont!!!!! dont you dare go you are well respected here! that message wasnt reffering ot anyone in particular. oh eleanor please dont go i feel guilty now. please stay please?

Re: I'll go. It's all my fault
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat Apr 20 20:15:39 2002 (#2090)

look im really really sorry eleanor. im so sorry if i offended you. i was angry and that post wasnt reffering to anyone in particular anyways so you shouldnt have to leave. please eleanor listen to me. email me back? xxx

everyone....
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sat Apr 20 20:32:38 2002 (#2091)

I would just like to say, Donna, Im glad you are allowed back on the board now, and no one thinks any less of you for the debates that have gone on with your Mother, try to let it pass.. this place is not for arguments, Elanor, stop feeling sorry for yourself, its no ones fault that all this has flared up.. just let it pass and try to post here as normal.. no one should leave...
Love Roses and Emoathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: everyone....
Posted by She on Sun Apr 21 00:38:44 2002 (#2094)

Hiya
Hay this is all getting a little crazy.Dont you think ?
We all have trouble thats why we come here yeah?This board has been the most amazing thing that has ever happend to me .I love every one one here more then you could imagen I would travle the world for any of you is you were in trouble.I care alot about you all.
I really would hate it if anyone left .

Eleanor you are my best friend girl i love you sweetie dont go it is not your fault that Donna feels bad.
((((((((((((((((((hugs hug)))))))))))))))))))
I really hope i havent done n e thing to upset anyone i would hate to do that.
She~berry

In love
Posted by Alana on Sat Apr 20 16:45:46 2002 (#2084)

Yes that's right...I'm in love. Except this time it's for real and there's none of that bullshit attached to it.
Wondered if I actually did love someone last year or if I was just infatuated. The love I feel right now is completely different from before...its more patient, compassionate, and understanding. I love him more as each day passes.
XJVX
Love, Alana

Re: In love
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat Apr 20 21:38:01 2002 (#2092)

aaawww thats soo sweet! im happy for you xxx

Re: In love
Posted by She on Sun Apr 21 00:39:40 2002 (#2095)

hay that must be wonderfull girl xxxx
she

Re: In love
Posted by ¸.·*¨°·.¸ CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sun Apr 21 04:41:51 2002 (#2100)

we may have had our differences but I am happy for you Alana..

Re: In love
Posted by Alana on Sun Apr 21 17:08:21 2002 (#2122)

Thanks Crimson. No hard feelings at all from this side of the world...never have been.

Stay Safe.

Love, Alana

Re: In love
Posted by KAT on Sun Apr 21 05:34:21 2002 (#2101)

Hi Alana...glad to hear you're in love, but remember when love goes bad...shit sucks like never before.
so dont get to attached, ya know..until you know for sure..that you can handle anything that comes along in the relationship...good luck with that!
hugs
KAT

Re: In love
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 00:57:58 2002 (#2156)

I'm sooooooo happy for you Alana. I know what it
is like to be totally, completely in love also.
After all, my husband still makes my heart beat
double time and has for almost 21 years. Take care
of yourself honey and tell him he better treat you
right or he'll have to answer to me!!!!
Love, Rhonda

Re: In love
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 17:18:47 2002 (#2187)

I'm so happy for you. There's this guy I really care about at the moment. he makes me feel more real somehow, I don't know. I think it's love but I've never been in love or been loved before so I don't really know. All I know is that when I see him, for at least one second of the day I feel human again. that's the greatest gift that anyone in the world could give me at the moment. take care of yourself and be happy. all my love, elle x x

Thanx
Posted by She on Sun Apr 21 01:04:22 2002 (#2096)

HIya
How everone doing at the moment?Ive been back and forth the police station for a day or so He (trant) is apparently going down for alot of things at the moment so hes gonna be away for a long time whoooo nah i shoulnd say that i know but i am really glad.Thank you all for your posts befor they mean alot to me xx.
((((((((((((((((hug hugz 4 everyone)))))))))))))))
Loads of love n stuff
She

Re: Thanx
Posted by Erryn on Sun Apr 21 02:51:11 2002 (#2097)

hey we are all friends huh take care xxxErryn

GRRRR
Posted by ¸.·*¨°·.¸ CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sun Apr 21 04:39:15 2002 (#2098)

I REALLY WISH EVERYONE HERE WOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TALKING SHIT TO EVERYONE ELSE, YEH OK WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS.. BUT EVERYONE HERE IS ARGUING ABOUT POINTLESS BULLSHIT AND FORCING OTHERS TO LEAVE, ITS FUCKING PATHETIC, ISNT IT ABOUT TIME SOME OF YOU GREW UP????? FUCK.. SOME PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS TO OTHERS, GET OVER IT FOR CHRISTS SAKE
love roses and empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: GRRRR
Posted by KAT on Sun Apr 21 05:35:52 2002 (#2102)

woah there........calm down hun.
It'll be alright I promise...
dont get so worked up over someone elses crap.
Ya I know it affects everyone but still...you gotta let things sort out...dont worry about it.
take care about you.

KAT

a e-mail i received
Posted by Erryn on Sun Apr 21 04:40:23 2002 (#2099)

One day when I was a freshman in high school. I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle It looked like he was carrying al of his books. I thought to myself "why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd" I had quite
a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomm afternoon) So I just shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch a kids running toward him, they ran at him knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses,I saw a tear in his eye, as I handed him his glasses, I said, those guys are jerks, they really should get lives. he looked at me and said hey thanks. there was a big smile on his face. It was one of those that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick his books up and asked where he lived, as it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I havent seen him before. He said he had gone to a private school before now. I would have never hung out with someone who went to a private school. We talked all the way home, and I carried half his books. He turned out to be pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football w/my friends. He said yes. we hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him, Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with a huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday" He just laughed and handed me half of the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorianof our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasnt me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle, he looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous, today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech, so I smacked him on the back and said "hey, big guy, youll be great" He looked at me with one of those looks ( the really grateful ones) and smiled "thanks" he said. As he started his speech he cleared his throat and began graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years, your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe even a coach..., but mostly your friends, I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story, I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend, he talked about how he cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldnt have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable, I heard a gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular, boy told us about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a persons life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others. You now have two choices, you can 1) pass this on to your friends or 2) throw it out, and act like it didnt touch your heart. "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble rememberhow to fly" there is no beginning or end, yesterday is history, tommorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.

This is pretty long but its kinda cool take care everyone becuz you guys are truelly great friends xxxErryn

Re: a e-mail i received
Posted by She on Sun Apr 21 10:56:11 2002 (#2108)

Hay
That was wonderfull.Thanx for sharing it with us.
((((((((((((((((((((hug))))) )))))))))))))))))
Thankyou
She

Re: a e-mail i received
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Apr 21 13:30:48 2002 (#2110)

that was lovely!

The other side of Cutting
Posted by KAT on Sun Apr 21 05:44:52 2002 (#2104)

I never realized it until now.
I was just like every single freaking person on here, besides a few...cutting everyday, so many scars and tears and pain.
I couldnt stop, didnt want to stop...loved the blood. and all that sorry graphic..but anyway

I dont cut anymore, its been a long time, but my scars and the looks I get remind me everyday of the way I used to be.
Well now that Im on the other side of the fence so to speak, I can see so much how this board is really a feeding ground for more depression, and in a way can help people who arent deeply into SI go further and further into it.
Its a deeeeeep pile of shit that is really hard to get out of, and this board kind of helps suck you into it.
I know, it also helps so much, more then anything for some people.
for some people its your only place to say how you feel and get the shit out, but Please...
I dont know what there is to do about it.
Just realize what you are typing and putting out there for EVERYONE to read.
take care
stay safe
love you
-KAT

Re: The other side of Cutting
Posted by kae on Sun Apr 21 08:41:21 2002 (#2106)

Hey KAT...

Its soooo good to hear you've beaten the "Cutting Disease"...maybe one day we all will. I remember when you used to post on the old board, when things were really low for you...but you kept helping other people out, replying to everyone's posts. That was really sweet :)

I totally agree with you that the board makes anyone's depression worse. Reading about so many other people's pain and SI doesn't help the viewer at all....sure, its good for all of us to vent our pain by writing it down, but theres a major negative effect for the readers. When I first came to the board, about 8 months ago, I was a pretty minor SI-er. The board definitely helped make it worse...reading about the extent of other people's self-harm made me cut deeper and deeper...I learned about salt here...I learned about burning...I used it all on myself.

I don't feel so triggered when I come here anymore....I guess I've reached a point where I know I shouldn't SI any worse or I'll be in real trouble. At the moment I'm actually considering getting 'real' help....I've made a complete mess of my body.

Still, the board is good for those who just need advice and comforting words. I guess it affects different people differently...just like Life itself.

Take care, girl...

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: The other side of Cutting
Posted by She on Sun Apr 21 11:03:19 2002 (#2109)

HIya
Well done for giving up si it must be very hard.

Im not sure about the bord though i love it hear i have alot of v special friends on here and it is probably one of the only resons i have changeg my life a little .Ok the cutting my not be much better but then it never has got better so why should it now .I dont know?
Loads of love n hugs
She~berry

Re: The other side of Cutting
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun Apr 21 15:32:35 2002 (#2116)

I think it is wonderful that you have quit. I am trying to quit right now. Its been about three weeks since I've done it. How long has it been for you? Was it really hard?

Re: The other side of Cutting
Posted by Erryn on Sun Apr 21 16:07:23 2002 (#2120)

congrates on stopping, but the board for myself has helped me. When i first came here i used to cut everyday, twice a day, becuz i didnt know anyone who did it to, now its like im not alone, im not trying to fight or anything im just telling you that in the past 2 month ive only cut 3 times. take care xxxErryn

Re: The other side of Cutting
Posted by KAT on Sun Apr 21 17:36:27 2002 (#2123)

thanks everyone for understanding. Yah, I mean Im really not tryin to bash the board ya know...just seein things from a whole nother view.
I havent cut in about 2 and a half months.
I've gone longer then that before, but this time it's completely different.

It has beeen so hard, I wish to god all the time I had never started or even got into any of the things I got into, but I cant change thos things now...so ya...it's harder then shit!
but it's sooooooooooooooooooooo possible, and worth it.
take care
love
KAT

WHAT TO DO!???
Posted by KAT on Sun Apr 21 07:45:36 2002 (#2105)

What are you supposed to do if your depressed as shit, trying to get better and you constantly have someone calling you a psychopath,crazy bitch, fucked up in the head, mental...and all that shit
it's reallly Really hurtful, even though I KNOW it's not true...
anyone have any ideas, or deal with this before?
I neeed some help with this guys
love
KAT

Re: WHAT TO DO!???
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun Apr 21 15:28:37 2002 (#2115)

I guess it all depends who is calling you these things. So who is it?

Re: WHAT TO DO!???
Posted by Erryn on Sun Apr 21 15:58:34 2002 (#2119)

alot of people have caled me phycho and stuff it does make you even more depressed, i finally just started to ask them what they mean, and if they ask about your scars then ask them if they have had stress in their lives and then so on i think you get the point, if they dont know the truth i used to tell people my cat did it im not sure if it worked but it shut them up. good luck xxxErryn

Re: WHAT TO DO!???
Posted by KAT on Sun Apr 21 17:38:08 2002 (#2124)

welll it's not like they dont really understand and they are just sayin it b/c hey dont know any better.
This person is saying it out of pure spite and probably hate for me.
It's my ex best friewnds new best freind and it's reallly really fucking hurtful

ya...

-KAT

Re: WHAT TO DO!???
Posted by Kristen on Mon Apr 22 01:42:17 2002 (#2142)

i have scars on my legs---- i use to tell people i was in the woods and got cought in some bryers/ im not sure if that worked either.

Re: WHAT TO DO!???
Posted by Dawn on Mon Apr 22 02:21:47 2002 (#2144)

Kat, my friend, write to me either on email or my address. Your bunny is still waiting for a home. Love you lots...Dawn

hi
Posted by kim on Sun Apr 21 14:10:43 2002 (#2111)

hiya my names kim and im new here! i hope you dont mind? but ive read loads of posts and i can relate to a lot of what people are saying here. i thort maybe id post and see how it goes. im 18 years old and im doing my A levels. ive been cutting for about 2 years now and ive also burnt aswell. i come from liverpool in england.

i hope everyone is ok xxx

Re: hi
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Apr 21 14:19:29 2002 (#2112)

hiya! no course we dont mind. how are you doing anyways? i support liverpool fc! do you? im 17 and ben cutting for bout half a year. email me if oyu ever need to talk love donna xxx

Re: hi
Posted by She on Sun Apr 21 14:36:02 2002 (#2113)

Hello
welcome on bord No one mindes you posting here .Im 17 from europe and im going my as at the moment (argh i hate exames).
Well see you soon
Loads of love
She

Re: hi
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun Apr 21 15:26:53 2002 (#2114)

Welcome to the board. This has nothing to do with si, but do you ever watch liverpool play football? Sorry, just wondering.

Re: hi
Posted by Erryn on Sun Apr 21 15:54:02 2002 (#2118)

hi welcome to the board, im 26 and have been cutting for 11 yrs i come from Wapakoneta, ohio. if you ever need anything just posts and or e-mail we all are here for you.xxxxErryn

To Erryn
Posted by She on Sun Apr 21 17:01:16 2002 (#2121)

Hiya how are you?
I just got an e mail from Eleanor ans she has gone through Alot at the moment which has upset her.She said she dosnt want to post her for a while but she is going to come on and see the posts every know and then .She asked me to tell you "Please tell erryn that I
love and miss her and that I will still read her posts on the board. tell
her to give her kids a HUGGGGGE hug from me."
Loads and loasd of love
She Berry

Re: To Erryn
Posted by Erryn on Sun Apr 21 21:41:17 2002 (#2131)

thank you for passing that on take care xxxErryn

confused
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Apr 21 20:24:28 2002 (#2125)

Hi there
Gone cold and numb inside, I hate feeling like this, even the pain was better then this. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading, I'm not quite there, just drifting. I can't concentrate on anything, even simple things like going upstairs to get an address book have turned into impossibilities, my mind keeps being distracted by nothing and I can't remember why I'm upstairs, let alone what I need, I just can't concentrate. Because of this I get endless accusations of laziness and stupidity. Don't they realise I would love to have control of my mind again, to stop myself fading into the diverse reality where no one sees or cares and the only tears cried are the salty claret streams that throb from my leg. Sometimes I long to cut my wrists like I used to, deeper though, long to feel my body get lighter and my mind misty, harsh reality becoming just a hazy sanctuary, then to sleep for an eternity underneath this unrelenting world.
I am invisible because they refuse to see me; there are a lot of people like that in my life. Or rather they only see what they want to see of me. In the cycles I get (not hormone cycles, I have a personality/mood disorder) sometimes it lifts for a while, the misery, then everybody's my friend, but when the depression comes back its back to being a loner, they cant cope. But I dunno, is it their fault? Should they have to deal with it? I don't suppose they should but I'm a selfish bitch and as I have to endure this every second of my life I feel angry that they can walk away. But then it's not their problem, its mine I guess… I'm sorry, I've been rambling on. But I hate it when they lie.
'Oh the tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive.'
Ella x

Re: confused
Posted by kim on Sun Apr 21 20:29:49 2002 (#2127)

"only see what they want to see of me"......so what..fuck them they dont matter! (sorry i do swear a lot i hope no one minds if so yell at me!)

only you matter! so what if you get confused itme to time. if they dont understand that then why bother trying to explain it to the idiots!

you aint a selfish bitch either, you are human!

and even if you were selfish...you are who you are and nothings going to change that.

i hope you feel better soon and hey....... babblings good for you (he he he) lots of love **kim**

Re: confused
Posted by jes on Sun Apr 21 23:00:10 2002 (#2132)

hey, i know what you mean, ppl are always either annoyed or laughing at me for the things you said, memory, concentration etc.
a lot of the time i really wish i could just snap oout of it, but there are times when i think it's great. i can sit for hours not doing or thinking much of anything, yet still perfectly content. it's perfect for bad situations.
take care tho', jes xxx

k so here i go....
Posted by kim on Sun Apr 21 20:25:14 2002 (#2126)

i dint wanna post here and babble away like a crazed lunatic on my 1st post....so after reading evry1s replys saying i am welcome then here i go......

well in response to liverpoolfc...yeh i do go!!! do you? last match i went to was v galatasary. great atmosphere! anyways......

im sooo unbelievably, undertandably (obviously) depressed at the moment. my life is so shit its so hard to cope. i have a good enough relationship with my dad but i dont get on with my mum at all. she doesnt understand me...although giving credit where credits due = she does try her best. i cut sooo much now, everyday usually on my arms but on account of the fact that mum checks me evry nite, i do my stomach, legs etc etc. im really itchy and saw but do you know what...thast the best bit! it makes me feel so much better. ive been subjected to a life of abuse which has destroyed me really. i used to be happy and had a lot going for me. but then that soon changed when he started "visiting me" shall we say. it makes me feel sick and i doubt i will ever be the same again. its knocked my confidence back a lot aswell. im 18, still living at home although i desperately want out. its driving me crazy. how do i do for friends? well....absolutely shitty! i have onlyone true friend thats it! you see when life gets hard for you thats when you start to find out hwo your real friends are. most people dumped me when they found out i had gone a "little crazy". i go ot see a psychiatrist but i well up inside when i see her. i go there ready prepared even to say all the things i feel but then as soon as i get there i fail miserably. i forget everything i was going to say and feel empty...nothing. i supose that would be the main reason i cut...because most times i do it when i feel nothing? sometimes though it is hwen im angry at myself? therefore the psychs call it self mutilation. im not planning on stopping it. i dont wnat to stop cutting. i want to be able to control how often i cut yeah definately...that doesnt mean i want to stop. anyways thats just about everything i wanted to say.........basically my life story there but there you go....thats me for you....i like to talk a lot. in fct im unstoppable once i get going. ha ha ha ill shut up now and leave you al in peace! love to evry1...**kim**

Re: k so here i go....
Posted by kim on Sun Apr 21 20:56:28 2002 (#2128)

hi yeah i forgot to put my email adress so if any one wants to rant and rave, yell at me or anything basically then my email ad is there cya xxx

Re: k so here i go....
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun Apr 21 20:56:46 2002 (#2129)

no I don't ever get to see them play except on tv because I live over here in the U.S. I wish I would have a chance to go see them play though. About seeing your psych. If you always plan things to tell her and never have the push to, then maybe you should have a journal. And everytime you have something to tell her write it in there. And then she can just look at your journal. That is what me and my psych. do. It is a lot easier, because I always shut myself down when I'm with her too.

Re: k so here i go....
Posted by KAT on Sun Apr 21 20:57:02 2002 (#2130)

hi there...wow...I know where you are coming from, I've so beeen there.
I didnt want to stop cutting and no one could make me, but one day I went to deep...yeah..it was a horrible site, looked like someone got murdered, that was the end of it for me.
After a few years I was done, and I hope that you change your mind on not wanting to stop.
Life is sooooo hard I know, but you're not the only one who has it hard, just remember you're not crazy, because theres people out there just like you, feeling nearly the same things.
I hope you feel free to post on here whenever you need to, dont be afraid to ask or say something.
just be cautious, take care.
stay safe
-love-

yup
Posted by stranger in the night on Sun Apr 21 23:34:29 2002 (#2133)

yup....very tired, no sleep. very angry, no ones listening to me. very fed up, no one cares. that kinda sums it all up for me tonight. geeesh....i wish i felt better xxx

Re: yup
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 22 01:28:19 2002 (#2140)

hey just remember we all love you and want to help not hurt im sorry if i upset yesterday but you have to stay her and talk okay becuz you have hepled me so much and my kids and I really appriciate it okay so please take care xxxErryn

Re: yup
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 01:18:19 2002 (#2164)

Wish I could be there to give you a hug, but I
can't so here ya go:
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) )))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) )))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) )))))))))))))))))))))
Use 'em when ya need 'em honey. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

does love = pain?
Posted by Kristen on Mon Apr 22 00:41:19 2002 (#2134)

i have been going out with my boyfriend a little over a year now and about 11 months into our relationship we started fighting--alot no psysical harm to me from him but i felt so hurt and i started cutting my self depending on how hurt i felt the deeper i cut , the more hurt i was the more detached i was the less pain i felt when i cut myself. i love him but why do i feel this way, we fight every day almost he tells me he loves me and doesnt want me to do it but i cant stop and now it has become that every time i feel hurt/ and not just by him, i cut. i dont know what to do . and when i look at my cuts i feel so ashamed my legs look so pathetic and i just want to cut them more. why cant i stop this, i dont want to break up with my boyfriend but what can i do to vent my anger and sadness?

Re: does love = pain?
Posted by Dawn on Mon Apr 22 01:10:33 2002 (#2137)

If you read my last posting maybe that will give you a hint. Needing love makes us vulnerable to emotional hurt, and we (I) beg for love and then I cut to punish myself for not being lovable, for needing to beg for love.

But I have the Truth living inside me. God's Word tells me Jesus loves me and died in my place, and that I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER HAVE TO BEG FOR LOVE, BECAUSE BEFORE I WAS BORN HE CREATED ME JUST THE WAY HE WANTED ME,and it tells me His promise to NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. And He is a close as the mention of his name.

That keeps me not cutting, maybe it will help you too. You do not have to have a great amount of faith, for faith as tiny as a mustard seed is enough to hold onto. Here is a mustard seed of faith, John 3:16 "For God so loved (you) the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."

Thank you for your look inside your heart. Let the seed planted there grow and you will know Love as You have never known it, and your life will be more precious than silver and more costly than gold. I know because in sharing the Truth with you disarms the lies of my past that float around inside me like a cancer ready to attach itself to weakened cells to kill good cells. But God's love, is stronger than anything the devil tries to trip me up with and by speaking the Truth kills off the deceit that tries to bind me to depression. But I will not let it. I will hold onto the Truth instead. Love and Hugs....Dawn L4C

Re: does love = pain?
Posted by Kristen on Mon Apr 22 01:32:03 2002 (#2141)

i never wanted to admit my lack of faith in god, and even if i have any. but the answers to my problems aren't in the church.

New mental health provider
Posted by Dawn on Mon Apr 22 00:41:45 2002 (#2135)

Tomorrow I see a new counselor/shrink/whatever... I am nervous. I liked my last counselor so much making this switch is difficult to deal with.

My mobility is getting worse or I've already developed a tolerance for my pain medication. Methadone (pill form).

My doc keeps asking about my mental state of mind because Methadone is such a powerful narcotic.

I miss everyone I used to email. I have a new email address I set it up basically for this board.

Please, if my old email buddies read this write to me there. I'm using a walker now and that's hard to deal with. Soon I'll be 50 years old (74 days-75 according to my birth certificate)
My father planned for me to be born July 4th but I was 3 hours and 47 minutes late. So we always started my party's sundown on the 4th and continued until in the celebration mode until bedtime on the 5th. Its the most important time of year, It was the only time I wasn't beaten or ridiculed. It made me feel important.

Going back to my doctors checking on my emotional state of mind. I tell her it is hard to think about suicide when my body is racked with pain. So much attention is on how do keep my apt. clean enough to tolerate.

When it is dirty I feel like my life is out of control. Please write. I hate to beg. Begging for love and acceptance is a big deal for me. Rejection makes me do things I later regret. Me, Always Begging For Love and never finding it tells my what my mother and my ex-husband used to tell me is true. "No one will have me...I'm no good"
I know that is not true. I'm just opening up and letting you all see inside my cold broken heart.
L4C...

Re: New mental health provider
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 01:16:38 2002 (#2163)

Dear friend,
Let me know how the new doc works out. YOu know
I'm thinking of you. Hey, when you get a chance,
send me some pictures of your new haircut! (HA!HA!)
I love you lots Dawn, take care of yourself.
Love always, Rhonda

Re: New mental health provider
Posted by KAT on Tue Apr 23 02:52:59 2002 (#2167)

Dawn, I wasnt aware that you were going through so much.
I e-mailed you :)
because I wanted to!
take care of yourself!
your an awsome lady
love ya
KAT

life really does suck
Posted by sara on Mon Apr 22 01:02:46 2002 (#2136)

well as the subject says life really does suck ever since my grandad died my dad has been a absolute idiot he alwayz shouts at my mum and she shouts back this may not sound bad but with me being the only girl that lives at home and only girl they had that got kicked out of school and college and has a criminal record every day everything really seems to get worse i cut my arms and my mum use to know about it but thought i stopped because i cut the top of my arms instead of the bottom for a while ive been cutting for seven years and have really bad scars on the top and bottom of my arms noone knows now and its been that way for 5 years things get so bad that sometimes i enjoy and it gives me such a rush when i cut me arms i do want to stop but dont want to tell anyone so this is impossiable basically recently its been getting worse and the cuts have been getting so deep i have noone to talk to and have now found this page which has helped me a little reading all of your posts i keep trying to stop but everytime i stop for say 2 weeks when i do go bak that time it will be so bad i will nearly faint so its best if i do it every couple of days to make the scars not so deep i am not very confident at all i have a boyfriend but dont feel i can even talk to him as a resort to stop cutting i am now trying heavy drugs to get me out of it totally i feel safe typeing this post because noone knows me here maybe i will put my email in a later post when i come back and see the sight again thx and this sight really does help people!!!

Re: life really does suck
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 22 01:20:35 2002 (#2138)

hey although i dont know you we all here are ready to listen i cant say life sucks becuz i have two beautiful children and although i have cut for 11 yrs i find life does suck alot just take care and know we are here for you xxxErryn

Re: life really does suck
Posted by sara on Mon Apr 22 01:24:58 2002 (#2139)

thx alot nice to know theres people out there listening

Re: life really does suck
Posted by Dawn on Mon Apr 22 02:15:25 2002 (#2143)

Sara, You are absolutely right "Life does suck", but I need to add SOMETIMES. Since I had my breakdown I did a lot of inside cleaning, and the garbage I found involved, incest, mental/physical abuse by my mother, sexual abuse from anyone who exhibited dominance over me my life up till then, and my response was cutting. It started back in about 1988-89? and has continued since then.

I put a lot of people in shock who treated me before my breakdown (including myself) with just how ill I was. But after 8 years of intense talking about my life and sifting through it all I finally came to a place where the days that suck seem like a lifetime ago. I still cut, but not so much any more.

I've learned to talk openly about my life and the things that made it suck. I learned that I cannot control other people, I cannot fix what is wrong with them, and I cannot live their lives for them. Like me that have to work out their lives using whatever means they do, even when I know that the path they take leads to more pain. But I know that nothing changes in myself unless I open the doors of my heart and mind to the light of Truth. If You cannot find a good counselor this board is a good place to come to, but I must warn you that because it is about self-injury there is a lot of competition on the board of cutting deeper, more often, of telling the graffics and painting a picture so compelling that many run to their weapon of choice and cut even as they read. And in so doing lives are lost, people are hospitalized and advised not to come back here. Ultimaltly it comes down to each of us how we handle this board.

I came here seeking a place where people understood the PULL OF CUTTING.

Since my body is in crisis I haven't been on here much. The pain in my body is more severe now than the pan in my insides. Thank God the two did not meet when my past surged uncontrolably and I would have handle both at the same time. It would have been deadly. I'm sure of That.

For those from the other board I am one in the same as , , and oh yes and for only a day. Now depending on which email address I'm on its or this one

I was on the old board for almost a year and on and off this one for a few months. If you want to talk and think no one will understand give me a try...Love and Hugs..L4C

Re: life really does suck
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Apr 22 11:02:20 2002 (#2146)

you are so right this site really does help people! i know what you mean about enjoying it sometimes. i get such a rush. im like you in the way that i cut evry day or so now otherwise i know that when i finally start again it would be too deep and id end up in hospital. luckily for me that hasnt happened yet. i keep my cutting under control? if thats possible? i dunno? kkeep fighting luv donna xxx

Re: life really does suck
Posted by sara on Mon Apr 22 13:39:59 2002 (#2150)

thx people :)

hey guys wont be around much!!!
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 22 02:58:16 2002 (#2145)

Hey guys i wont be on here much in the next couple weeks becuz my son is having a couple surgeries and i will be tending to him thanks for everything and i will at least try to get on here to read the posts take care everyone xxxxErryn

Re: hey guys wont be around much!!!
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Apr 22 11:03:27 2002 (#2147)

you take care aswell chuck! i hope your kids ok 2 luv ya xxx

Re: hey guys wont be around much!!!
Posted by She on Mon Apr 22 16:42:16 2002 (#2151)

Ill miss you give your kids a big hug from me and eleanor hope your sons ok.
Loads of love n hugs
She

Re: hey guys wont be around much!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 01:03:32 2002 (#2157)

You take care of that baby, and yourself. Let us
know how he is doing.
Love, RHonda

arrgghh I've had enough...!!
Posted by kae on Mon Apr 22 12:33:31 2002 (#2148)

Don't read this. Its long and pointless and boring.

I give up.
I'm sick of this shit, I'm sick of me, I'm sick of the days and the nights and everything around me. I'm sick of school, I'm sick of the marks, the assignments, the teachers. I'm sick of FAILING...

I'm NEVER going to succeed in this world. I'm just not made of the 'right' material...I'm too weak, too pathetic. Nobody cares anymore. They're sick of me, too. I'm just a waste...I hate saying it but I'm making myself say it because its the truth.

I don't mean anything to anyone. For a while, I poured every bit of energy into keeping my best friend on her feet...and she doesn't need me anymore. Shes right into this guy who told her he liked her, and now she doesn't talk about anything else. I mean, I'm glad for her because in the long run, its going to help her a lot. But I've been discarded...like a piece of rubbish. She doesn't tell me anything anymore...its an uncomfortable change from when we talked about everything and helped each other all the time.

Her counsellor told a friend of ours that she was worried about the effect I had on my best friend. With my "SI problem", that is. She felt that I was making her worse...that annoyed me so much. My friend told me herself that seeing my SI made her want to do it too...and that makes it all my fault? SHE chose to do it because of the way people treated me over my SI...they were kind to me (sometimes, anyway) and they wanted to help me. If I had a new plaster on one day, she'd have one the next day. It became a copy-cat thing...it drove me crazy. She was making her own situation worse just so she could be a "cutter" like me. She even copied things I said about my SI...like the time I explained to her and another friend that when I cut myself, the cut had to be as deep as or deeper than the previous cut, or else I felt like I'd failed myself. About two weeks later, she started telling me the same thing...but in a way as if I'd never said it to her. She was pretending that she was just like me and it drove me CRAZY.

Of course, I couldn't go nuts at her and say "shut up! you got that off me!! you're only doing this because I do!!" which is what I was DYING to say...but if I had, she would have "used" it as reason to 'cut' more. So I tried a different tactic. I made an extra effort to hide my SI from her, and I never talked about it to her. It was as though it never existed. Then the other night she says to me "Do you know, I haven't cut for a month!" .....gee, I wonder why. It just proved to me how she was really just copying me...and how I really AM a negative influence on her. I'm not going to ever mention my SI to her again....its pointless.

She's actually a lot happier lately...I guess thats because we haven't been talking as much. Shit shared is a doubled weight to bear...without my shit, shes coping really well. So I'm just going to leave now...I've broken off the bonds we shared and now shes standing on her own...she doesn't need me.

In fact, nobody needs me. I'm not the kind of person that people want as a friend. I'm not the kind of girl that guys want to go out with. I "have too many problems"....I'm "too confused"...I'm "weird"...I'm "too difficult". People could tell me that I have potential....but in what? This year has already shown that I'm not really talented or clever, I'm just hanging in there. I'm a con artist...I pretend to be clever but everything is a struggle to me. I don't answer anything in class....not because I'm quiet, which is what the teachers think.....but because I never know the answers. I'm DUMB.

I'm not going to survive bursary. I'm going to fail everthing....I don't want to do the work anymore. I don't want to study, I just don't CARE anymore. Nothing makes sense. I used to enjoy History and English...they were my best subjects....now I hate them both. I'm scraping through everything. I come to school to see my friends and go on random car trips to town during study periods.

I AM NOBODY. When I was a junior, I imagined that when I got to Year 13, I would finally be everything I'd ever wanted to be. I feared the senior forms terribly...and I couldn't wait to have that same kind of authority over younger students. Well, now I'm Year 13 and I have absolutely no authority. Nobody looks up to me in the way I looked up to the Year 13's when I was little. Its because I am NOTHING. I am NOT like the Year 13's before me. I am not beautiful, poised, confident or smart like they were. I am nothing that I wanted to be then and I will never be anything I want to be in the future.

I don't want to go to university. I don't want to go where everybody is different....out of my "comfort" zone. I can't imagine myself being anywhere else. I DONT WANT TO!! I won't survive. It will kill me....I will fail.

There are no answers left. Its a now-or-never, life-or-death situation now...I want some control. I'm losing the control I gained with my SI...nobody cares anymore and I'm just getting uglier. Its not what I want...I don't know what I want. I only know what I DON'T want...and thats this life.

I'm sick and tired and miserable...I've had ENOUGH.

kae

Re: arrgghh I've had enough...!!
Posted by Maggie on Mon Apr 22 13:36:06 2002 (#2149)

Dearest Kae,
Everything I write in this response will be re-iterating stuff I've said to you before. But it's really frustrating that you say nobody cares, when I know that I care about you heaps.

I can empathise with most things you are unhappy about... you are writing my book. But you have to believe me that it can get better.
You don't wanna give up yet...Bursary is a bitch, but Uni is so much easier, so much less stressful, so much more fun.
I know that you are smart, you can't hide your intellect from us, it's a natural part of you. The ONLY thing that will cause you to fail is SELF-DEFEAT.
I was dealing with shit through Bursary, which adversely affected my preparation and didn't do as well as I could have. But once I got to Uni where my whole environment had been changed, things were better and I shocked myself with how much I could achieve.
You are not weak or pathetic, your whole blurb illustrated how considerate you are of others, and how you are not giving yourself any credit for the self-less, supportive, wonderful person you are.
It's your friends who are the people that should feel guilty... for expecting you to help them out, but walking away from you when you need them.
I also strongly believe that you wouldn't be feeling this low if it weren't for you taking on all the burdens of your ungrateful friends.
Your current friends are all self-centred, attention-seeking, ignorant, immature teenagers who are much less likely to succeed than you, because they have no clue how to treat others.

You are not weird or a con-artist, you are suffering from a stressful condition co-morbidly with depression.
I think the reasons for your depression come from your environment. Once you move away to Uni, you'll have a large selection of people to choose friends from... people who wont judge you, who are just as quirky as you are.
I had very few people who I could call 'decent' friends in high-school, and at Uni I have met the most genuine, coolest people. You will too... trust me, it's only a few months away.
You gotta stick at your work, Bursary only happens once and though it's important right now to determine what line of study you do, it will mean bugger all in a few years.

I'm sorry to say it but your 'comfort zone' is what's bringing you down. You say that being anywhere else will 'kill you' but it sounds like things couldn't get much worse from where you are now.

Leaving my comfort zone to spend 3.5 months in the USA was the only way I moved out of my rut. You need a change of perspective to be able to see all the potential you have. Though you may not believe it now, you are an achiever. Things will get better for you, and there are people who care about you.
I know this probably doesn't help you much, I wish words could do more to make you feel better.

I'll talk to you later,
Luv always,
Maggie.

Re: arrgghh I've had enough...!!
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 01:05:12 2002 (#2158)

Anything I can do to help honey? I'm sorry life
is not going your way right now. Write me if you
ever feel like it. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

want to die
Posted by harleycutter on Mon Apr 22 16:48:58 2002 (#2152)

Hi Everyone, new to this BB. I am going through a really rough time. Some brief stuff about my situation. Cutting for over 15 years, raped by boyfriend in Dec. (now have restraining order against him), quit cutting cold turkey two months ago, developed anorexia. Now, I am trying to recover from the anorexia and I want to cut so bad. Actually I want to starve myself more than cut, but they said I almost died so my family is watching my food intake like mad, that's why the urge to cut had been building like a time bomb inside of me. The other day I was listening to some music and I literally beat myself up on my hip bone and have a great big black mark now. It felt good. I have a new boyfriend who is trying to cope with all my issues, but I don't think he can and I feel like such a failure, like I will never be able to find someone to take me as I am. Let's face it, I can't take me as I am so why should I expect anyone else to. I feel lost. Can't cut, have to eat, all this stuff that makes me feel better, safer, and in control of my own pain. Like when he is going to dump me because I am too messed up. It's as if my body and mind are already ready to take over the pain of it. Everyone is watching over me and at least if I kill myself I wont be around to hear the dissapointment in their voices, or be around to be in the hospital again. I want to crawl in a whole and die die die. Need support. Can't stop this pain I'm in and that's all I want to do anymore.
Thanks and peace.

Re: want to die
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 01:08:14 2002 (#2159)

I hope by coming here, you find the support you
need. Welcome!! I don't cut, but my daughter has
in the past. That's why I got involved here. This
is a very good place to come, cause there are
others here who know what you're going through.
Talk to them and let them talk back. I try to give
advice from my point of view, hopefully I don't
bore anyone. Anyway, welcome and I hope you come
back. Take care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

Re: want to die
Posted by harleycutter on Tue Apr 23 01:35:25 2002 (#2165)

Rhonda, thank you for responding. I have been checking back here all day and you are the first to write. I just went to get the mail and the ex boyfriend who raped me got something sent here addressed to him and some other girl in the hopes of upsetting me which it has. It's a trigger for me big time. I feel more lost and confused than ever and I have not eaten all day and I don't plan to. I am hungry, but since I can't cut, this is my method of abusing myself. Sadness is hell, life is hell, death is nothing, so why not? I am not going to kill myself, but I suffer from having perpetual suicidal ideations and they are running through my head so strongly right now. Anyway, thanks for caring.
Lauren

Re: want to die
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 23 23:55:40 2002 (#2202)

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I'm also sorry I didn't speak to you sooner. I usually write to people as soon as I can after they post but I have been having problems (due to my own suicidal intentions) so I have not been posting for a few days. I hope you're feeling better sweetheart. If you ever want to talk you know where I am, I may not be much but I'm a good listener. Love always, elle x x x

dam
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Apr 22 20:38:19 2002 (#2153)

im crying inside and i have no where to turn// my screams are getting louder why wont i learn?// i fear for my sanity that is gradually lsipping away// praying that i will be happy and healthy like before someday// ive lied to my friends and people i thought cared// ive lied about my feelings that i desperately want shared// my hopes and dreams have faded away// all because of that man what more can i say?

Re: dam
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 23 01:10:03 2002 (#2160)

That was very good. Do you keep these poems in a
book somewhere? Keep writing honey, you do good
work.Take care of yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

geesh
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon Apr 22 20:47:40 2002 (#2154)

my life is a mess. i wish it wasnt but that isnt goin to get me anywhere. shit shit shit SHIT SHIT im in a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad moooooooood geeeeeesh!!!!!