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Threads 376 to 400

hi again
Posted by sara on Mon Apr 1 22:43:30 2002 (#1330)

hello--its been awhile since i've been here. i've been in and out of clinic as such this year for anorexia...yeah my life its screwy. anyway, i cut again for the first time in sooooo long. like a year. and i didn't just cut alittle. i don't know whats wrong with me. i'm insane. i can beat this but i fall to often. how can you win a losing battle?
sara

Re: hi again
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 2 00:28:49 2002 (#1334)

i dont know, just keep trying and keep posting here. you can write to me anytime you need to talk.

Re: hi again
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 13:23:06 2002 (#1355)

Sometimes it feels like my whole life is a losing battle. keep posting, we love you! x

Just random thoughts
Posted by erica on Tue Apr 2 02:16:56 2002 (#1335)

Well I wrote my psych exam. I got 85%. I thought I could do it. I mean it was all about depression and suicide and personality disorders. Everything I know from living this life.
I also went to the emergency room for the fourth time in a week and a half. The doctors are getting used to seeing me there. It seems like all I want to do is cut. And it's not shallow cuts like it used to be. They're deep ones. ones that require stitches. It's just that it seems like they have to be deep for me to be satisfied. I know it's hurting those around me, I just don't know how to stop.
I stopped by Day treatment at the psych ward at thte local hospital. There was a cancellation with my psychiatrist. So lucky me, I get to see her on wednesday. I have to cut psych class to see her. Aurgh I hate this.
I want to be in a treatment program. I don't want to cut anymore. But yet I have this need that must be filled. I have a feeling I will be going back to the ER tonight. I don't even know why I'm cutting anymore. I'm just doing it.
I asked my psych proff what I should do. He said there was nothing I can do. Except get in to see my psychiatrist sooner. Hmmm....I think I'm going to go.

erica

Re: Just random thoughts
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 2 02:44:10 2002 (#1338)

hey, erica,
i was just wonderin if u could tell me how u cut deeper, cuz i tried before with regular knives, and that didnt work half as well as xacto knives or razors, so i dunno how to cut deeper.......i really want to hurt myself that bad
to tell u the truth, i dont want to hurt anymore on the inside
-just me,
lostchild

Re: Just random thoughts (could be triggering)
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Apr 2 13:19:27 2002 (#1352)

Hi, I wish I could cut that deep too. Tried a kitchen knife but they are only good for reopening cuts, so all I got is razors, I want to buy a craft knife cuz they are the best. I know how you feel about needing to cut. I feel so guilty for mutating the one thing I came into this world with, the one thing I should take pride in and love is the thing I am attacking. But the need to cut is always stronger. Oh god I feel like shit. I have to revolve my whole life around hiding my legs. Even from myself cuz I cant handle that I did that. Just looking in the mirror makes me feel sick.
I disgust myself.

Re: Just random thoughts (could be triggering)
Posted by erica on Fri Apr 5 07:30:15 2002 (#1476)

Hey all!
Take the advice from me and don't cut deeper. Tonight at the hospital they told me that the next time I come in they will refuse to sew me up. Aurgh. It's only been 7 times in 2 weeks.
Anyways I warned you. There will be a lot of blood if you cut deeper. I mean a lot. Well anyways I use a small utility knife. I bought a really nice one from the grocery store. It has 2 extra hidden blades.
Play it safe and use a clean fresh blade.

erica

let it be
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 2 03:20:11 2002 (#1342)

inside my veins flows a force//that is trying to escape//inside my head screams a voice//saying i like what i've made//inside my heart a little box//with a key lost long ago//and in my throat a single word//i want to scream no//on my skin a million scars//that map out all my pain//in the mirror my lonly eyes//a child without a name//in the bathroom a pool of blood//that spreads across the floor//a razor blade in my hand//that just begs for more//until i am covered in blood//and my muscles finally relax//it doesnt matter that you didnt care//or that you stabbed me in the back//this blade and blood will make it better//you'll never really see//this sleep will catch up with me tomorrow//for now i'll let it be

Re: let it be
Posted by diana on Wed Apr 3 00:03:36 2002 (#1373)

that was a good poem... i told u i love reading your poems

Re: let it be
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 3 00:59:08 2002 (#1378)

I missed you and your poems! x

Re: let it be
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 23:21:12 2002 (#1457)

i love your poems
there really good
Loads a love
she

wanna die, need to cut, helpme!!!!
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 2 05:36:23 2002 (#1344)

i wanna die
i kno it sounds scary and sad, but this is the only place i look foward to coming
but if i died, this pain inside would go away
forever
no more
i cant handle this
i cant handle my mom
my imperfections
myself~
everything around me is spinning
im lost in this world
people step on me in the halls and dont even realize it
i counted how many people at my school that passed me by that would care if i died tomorrow
know how many i counted?
zero.
zilch.
no one would notice
not that they notice me now anyways
im so ugly
im so fat
im so worthless
im a waste of space
a waste of air
a waste of time.
know what?
im sorry you took the time to read this too when you could have been doing more important things.
I HATE YOU, LYNN!!! i scream at myself
as the blood runs down my legs.
so much blood.

Re: wanna die, need to cut, helpme!!!!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Apr 2 06:42:17 2002 (#1345)

lynn it isnt zero people who would notice if you were gone. i dont know the people at your school, but just count the people on the board, every single one of us would notice if you were gone! thats about 30 people!! not zero!

Re: wanna die, need to cut, helpme!!!!
Posted by snoopy on Tue Apr 2 06:51:45 2002 (#1346)

i know what u mean when u say all those things cause i have felt and at times still do feel those things.
people can be so rude and ignorant and u just want to scream at them to get a life or to look at things differently i just thought i would let u know that others do feel those same thoughts
try to keep going
luv snoops

Re: wanna die, need to cut, helpme!!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Apr 2 11:36:55 2002 (#1351)

Hello, you arent alone, I spend most of my life now feeling like that. The only thing that stopped me killing myself last night was writing a list of everyone who might miss me. We all care about you so you are not alone.

Re: wanna die, need to cut, helpme!!!!
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 13:27:01 2002 (#1356)

You're not alone. i feel like that so often but then I post one here, read the responses and know that there are people who do care. we'd all care if you weren't here. keep fighting! Love you, eleanor x x x

Re: wanna die, need to cut, helpme!!!!
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 02:19:42 2002 (#1379)

stay here with us. we care, we'd miss you. if we didnt care, we wouldn't read your posts. please stay.

funny(kinda)
Posted by melz on Tue Apr 2 09:49:33 2002 (#1348)

well, i was gonna cut with my razor the other day, and i swept it across, nothing, i kept doing it, i wasnt bleeding, pressed harder, nothing. Then i realized i was using the wrong edge of the razor, so i fliped it over,and it worked. hehe

Re: funny(kinda)
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Apr 2 11:34:14 2002 (#1350)

I do that quite a lot actually, admittedly usually when I am drunk but when Im sobre too, I suppose it is kinda funny...

Re: funny(kinda)
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 2 23:57:41 2002 (#1372)

yeah that is funny

Re: funny(kinda)
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 02:21:24 2002 (#1380)

hey, man. its alright. i lit the wrong end of my cigarette the other night...

Dearest Dad
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Apr 2 11:32:33 2002 (#1349)

Hi, my therapist has told me I should tell my dad why I don't see him and why I hate him, because he's too thick skinned to realise himself (my words not hers!) But I wasn't sure how to do it, but this poem I wrote really sums up my feelings, as I have hardly any friends I was wondering if I could ask you guys if you think its alright… I hope it's kind of self-explanatory about our situation.
Dearest Dad
I wish I could hate you// Just erase you from my mind// After all you put us through// Why were you so blind// Yet we are so alike// I can see that in my face// The fear begins to strike// As your anger there I trace// God I am so scared// Of turning out like you// Someone who never cared// Or thought of what they do// Your life style came first// You and your women // Its you who came off worse// Though you could not see that then// Do you know what you had// What your actions cost// Will you ever know Dad// The things that you have lost.

Re: Dearest Dad
Posted by Maggie on Tue Apr 2 13:28:58 2002 (#1357)

That's very well written, though it's sad how the relationship has turned out between you and your Dad. Are you planning to give this to your Dad?
If I were him, I'd get the message.

Luv Maggie.

Re: Dearest Dad
Posted by gnimia on Tue Apr 2 14:29:40 2002 (#1359)

Its vey good, very poignant. i hope he gets the message, and that you get what you want tfrom sending it.

Good luck xx
Gnimia

Re: Dearest Dad
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 22:30:11 2002 (#1366)

I wish I could say what I wanted to to my dad. good luck. el x x x x

Re: Dearest Dad
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 04:03:24 2002 (#1386)

i already tried to post a response, but it didnt show up on my computer, i dont know if it did on anyone elses, but i'm gonna post again, just in case it didnt. your dad sounds like an asshole, like mine. i wrote a poem about him too, not as good as yours, but i'll post it when i get a chance. :)

Re: Dearest Dad
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Apr 3 05:00:21 2002 (#1388)

I don't know about anyone else, but that was wonderful. I think you should leave it for your
Dad to see. Of course, that's just me. Anyway, I liked it very much. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Dearest Dad
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 23:23:44 2002 (#1458)

Yeah i thourght i was good .SOunds like ur dads like mine.
Loads a love she

Describe
Posted by gnimia on Tue Apr 2 14:39:53 2002 (#1360)

Earlier on down the board people were telling about themselves so thought id join in. Im 20, livein Lancaster in NW England, originally from london. been si for about 7 yrs, on all sorts of meds, i know them better than my docs do put together.

had a really bad time before xmas, but seemed to get out of it inm one piece and stopped allthe crazy shit for a while. then it all statred up again and twoweeks ago i found out my long term, serious boyfriend is a lying cheating decietful bastard (nikki if you are out there i do hate you). so everythings gone downhill again. im in london now with my parents and yesterday i spent £20 on stuff for cutting. i dont know how i did it. its a fucking lot of money, especcially when you cant really afford to eat too well.

i dont really know why im doing this but am feeling so alone at the moment, now hes gone i have no one to talk to. am constantly crying and playing with razors even when im not cutting. having to see "friends" is killing me cos i have to lie so much. i dont know what to do. actually feel for the first time in ages like killing myself. dont want to but, do you know?

sorry about this baable but i know no one on this board.
Gnimia xx

Re: Describe
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 22:33:33 2002 (#1367)

I really want to kill myself but I don't, that probably sounds stupid. I want all the pain to stop and feel like the only way for that to happen is for me to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I suppose that's why I cut, it keeps me alive. Take care of yourself and you can always mail me if you need a friend, I'd like to be there. Love always, El x x x

Re: Describe
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 02:27:59 2002 (#1381)

i know what its like, that feeling where you feel like killing yourself, but you dont really want to. i think thats what the feeling is, i think we're talking about the same thing. i'm not sure. but i know what you mean. good luck

Re: Describe
Posted by She on Wed Apr 3 12:54:59 2002 (#1393)

Yeah i know what you mean
I od a few days ago and it was like such a relife but i survived (again)I dont reallt want to die but everything gowse wrong when im alive .
But im gonna stay round for a while now cause it obviously isnt my time to go yet .
Love you all loads and loads
She

Re: Describe
Posted by snoopy on Wed Apr 3 13:50:12 2002 (#1395)

hey there
i know what u mean about being new on the board i am pretty new myself i have been cutting burning etc for only about 2 years even a bit less but hey it relieves the stress and all and u sound like a cool person to chat too as u sound like u have the same problems like me i have been in and out of psych wards for a year now due to my failed suicide attempts etc u know the drill well i am quite depressed and want to end it all the time but dont seem to have the energy these days like a friend of mine who is also into the same thing its like a need someone to push me over the edge and then i will do it u know what i mean well i hope u do but anyway welcome to the board and hope to hear from u soon
luv snoops

ooopsy
Posted by She on Tue Apr 2 16:26:44 2002 (#1364)

Hiya
Sorry i havent been on for ages (had an acadent with pills ). Dose n e one know whats going on with the bords are they both being shut down ?
Hope your all ok .
Love you all
she

Re: ooopsy
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 22:48:51 2002 (#1368)

Hey sweetie! It's so good to hear from you, I was worried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! Look after yourself honey, I don't know what I'd do without you! I don't know whats going on with the board. I'll speak to you soon. Love you loads n loads, El x x x

Re: ooopsy
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 02:28:54 2002 (#1382)

i can't go onto the other SI board, i dont know about the suicide board, i never went onto it.

A dream
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 23:02:58 2002 (#1369)

Skies of black part to let in the sun, blood flows only in my veins never again to stain my skin. Tears of joy replace the anguished cry of a broken heart. Scars from the hand of an artist taught in the school of pain come out in the wash. Laughter once again reigns in the house of deepest regrets, and the smile of this little girl lost in darkness once again reaches her eyes.

Everyone has to dream, don't they?

Re: A dream
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 2 23:39:11 2002 (#1370)

hey eleanor-
thats really good.
did u write that?
it's great.
just wanted to say that
~just me
lostchild

Re: A dream
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 3 00:52:51 2002 (#1376)

yeah, I wrote it. Sometimes writing's the only thing that keeps me sane! x

Re: A dream
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 02:30:15 2002 (#1383)

its a good dream.

Re: A dream
Posted by She on Wed Apr 3 12:40:17 2002 (#1390)

That was lovley .
Yeah everyone must have a dream
Love you loads and ;oads
She

disaster day
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 2 23:54:57 2002 (#1371)

today was a disaster
i was as depressed as ever
tired as ever
and on top of it, people were being as cruel as ever.
but i probably deserve it.
no, i do deserve it.
anyways,.........
two kids came up to me in the hall.
one of them said to the other, "here's lynn, should we talk with her now?"
and the other one said,"sure".
so i say "okay, shoot."
and they say in sarcastic voices that wring through my ears even now,
"can u stop pullin out your hair? cuz its all over the place in the global room."
"and its disgusting."
"yeah. can u do that?"
i was devistated. Ive been pulling out my hair for six months, and now they just bring it up.
on top of that, its a disorder and i cant help it.
if i could stop i would, i so desperately would.
and i feel like even more of a freak.
a freak for pulling.
a freak for cutting.
a freak for not eating.
a freak for not being like everyone else.
a freak for having problems.
a freak for going to a shrink.
a freak for wanting to die.
u guys, i walked around the halls stunned, no joke
just numb
and cold.
i felt like such a worthless person
i felt unloved
i felt like a person in those movies, the "extras", the ones that dont have a speaking part; theyre just there to be a body
you dont even really get to see their faces
just the space that they take up.
im cold. im numb. im hurt.
o god im crying.
okay well, im gonna go.
-no one special,
just me,
lostchild

Re: disaster day
Posted by diana on Wed Apr 3 00:10:42 2002 (#1374)

hey, i don't know how old you are but im guessing you are in high school.. neways, im saying this because when you get out of highschool you will no longer have to see those people who treat you like shit. anyways, they are just saying mean things to make themselvse feel better which is sick. -i used to be one of the people who made fun of people with problems, with friends because we were higher up, but ive realized that that is wrong to do because i too have problems...and the people who are making fun of you probably have millions of problems. ignore them, don't show them that the shit they say to u gets to you. always keep a smile and just laugh n shrug what they say away, then they will notice that what they say won't hurt u and break you down so they will leave you alone....i probably made no sence but oh well, it made sence to me lol

Re: disaster day
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 3 00:56:54 2002 (#1377)

If you're a freak then I'm one too because I do all the things you mentioned. I know how you feel, I've been there before, in fact I'm still there now. You are somebody special, and I hope that what Diana said is true. That when we leave school things will get better. For you, for me and for everyone else who's where we are now. Love always, El x x

Re: disaster day
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 02:33:14 2002 (#1384)

you're someone special cause youre here and you're talking to us. kids are assholes, they dont even try to understand. they only care about themselves. dont worry about them, they're not worth it. dont cry over them, they've got more problems than you if they think its okay to treat people like that. you're gonna be okay, things will work out. just keep posting here, you can write to me if you want.

Re: disaster day
Posted by She on Wed Apr 3 12:48:04 2002 (#1391)

Hiya
Kids can be compleate dicks huh?You dont deserve it theres no way you do sweetie . I no its hard but try not to let them get to you . Your not a frek and if you are then everyone else on here is to and there are alot of us so maby its not that bad being a frek.
Love you loads and hope things get a bit better
She**

Hello and goodbye
Posted by KAT on Wed Apr 3 00:19:32 2002 (#1375)

hi all...i hope you all take care.
i wont be returning to these boards for a while..they arent helpful for me anymore.
bye
love you

Re: Hello and goodbye
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 3 02:38:03 2002 (#1385)

hey, i haven't heard from you in so long. i dont know if you're going to read this, but i miss you and it would be cool if you could write to me once in a while, when youre up to it. good luck, i hope everything works out for you.

Re: Hello and goodbye
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Apr 3 04:31:13 2002 (#1387)

hey kat, i never got to really know you very well but i remember you from the old board...you had so many good things to say. im sorry the boards arent helping you anymore, and i really hope you find something that does because the world needs people like you to stay strong :)

Re: Hello and goodbye
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Apr 3 05:03:47 2002 (#1389)

Take care of yourself KAT. I'll be thinking about
you.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Hello and goodbye
Posted by She on Wed Apr 3 12:49:56 2002 (#1392)

Take care
XxXxXxXxXxX
she

Re: Hello and goodbye
Posted by *me* on Wed Apr 3 22:06:50 2002 (#1398)

Take care of yourself KAT. You're one of the last "old posters" here that have been here since I've come. It's been a long time, and I wish you all the best. Write me if you need anything. Lots of love!

lost
Posted by kae on Wed Apr 3 13:43:56 2002 (#1394)

I don't know what to do anymore....I don't know who I am or why I'm like this. Yet, everyone else seems to think they know me.

Two of my friends have decided they are now 'cutters'. It really bothers me as they talk about it all the time...laugh about 'getting blood on their pajamas', talk about their 'cuts' and how they hide them, about what they use...etc etc. I can't relate to them...they think thats strange because I cut as well, but they're different to me. They think its fun and exciting and something they HAVE to talk about all the time to each other...I've been keeping it to myself for so long, keeping it my special thing, that I hate hearing them talk about it. Cutting was MY thing....MY secret, MY security. Now they're taking it away from me. They've even started calling it SI, like I do. I only call it SI because I don't just cut, I burn and hit as well. They ONLY cut, but they think they have a right to call it SI as well, because I do. Little things, I know...but it annoys me so much.
As a result, I'm getting worse. Each cut has to either match or be bigger than the last...I'm spending a lot on wound dressings but it doesn't matter.

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore....

My friend went to the school counsellor and talked to her about me. The counsellor told her that my SI was simply a "phase"...that it would pass, as phases do. My friend told me this. Later, she told me that she also thought it was a phase. She was actually surprised when I told her how much the 'phase' idea pissed me off. She said, "what, you don't think its a phase then???" She's a cutter as well...and yet she can't understand me either.

Nobody understands me....nobody can or wants to help. I just want to know one thing:

WHY AM I LIKE THIS????

What exactly IS wrong with me?? Is it normal to cut oneself.....to wear hundreds of purple scars....to spend several minutes each day changing dressings on self-inflicted wounds....to burn bagfuls of bloodied tissues....to hold one's arm in a candle flame until the skin blisters and peels....? Is this okay? Is it sane? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

Self-harm is what I live for. Its my food, my air, my passion. Nobody can see that. They think I'm stupid, pathetic, weird, or attention-seeking. Maybe I am all those things. I mean, if the majority of everyone I know thinks that, why should they all be wrong??

Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't know who I am, what I am, where I'm at or whats wrong with me. Everyone else knows the answers....these are whispered behind my back and reported back to me by my friends. Its not just what everybody 'thinks', its what I am. Its the truth.

So what do I do now? Is a person like me worthy of living? Or am I here to entertain the clever, civilised members of society with my moans and scars? Maybe I'm here to keep counsellors in a job.

I don't know what my place here is. I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here. Nobody seems to care if I bleed my way through life...I just don't know what to DO...I don't know what point I have to reach before I 'need' help...or if I will ever be worthy of help.

I wish all the shit would just stop...or else I'm going to stop it myself...and stop everything else along with it.

luv, hugz 'n tears
kae

Re: lost
Posted by She on Wed Apr 3 19:48:28 2002 (#1396)

HIya

That\ sux about your friends ,shit how can they laugh about it .

I cant imagen if a firend started cuting and laughing about it .Its my way or surviving (or not ) and i would hate someone to diss it or just use it for a topic of conversation.
Could you talk to them about how you feel?Or just hint to them that you dont like the way you talk about it .
Good luck n e way
Love you loads
She

Re: lost
Posted by Dawn on Wed Apr 3 23:19:16 2002 (#1399)

Hello Kae, I'm sorry you are where you're at at the moment. Phase? No! Normal? I've been cutting since 1988 the phase you are in is normal for many cutters, so is the phase your friends are in, it is just we are further along the course of people who injure themselves to feel better.

Its like doing drugs or drinking in high school. "its cool, the thing to do, a game to talk about and connect with others in" And like with drugs and alcohol the fun your friends are getting out of it will fade and they will be hooked as we are, and like us we wish we'd never started and want to stop but can't because when we get in a panic, or sad, or angry with ourselves or others we run, not walk to a way of appeasing those feelings without lashing out at others. Most counselors do not know the ins and outs of self injury. It takes special counselors who go out of their way to better understand. More times than not I've had to teach people about SI and how it does something NOTHING ELSE DOES. And like you I used to try other things, but they didn't work. Now I know what works for me and I do it and when I get there I stop. So my wounds are not as severe. And I've learned to use my mouth to speak my pain, my anger, and stand up for myself instead of steal away to a hiding place for hours.

But I'm working at turning 50 and realize I started cutting at age 37. I thought I would have worked through all me STUFF by now. But just as teenagers have stuff to contend with, like parent's rules and overseeing of their teens lives I'm in a place where I'm facing changes in my health, having the heirarchy pull my counselor's ability to see clients on medical plans, and growing pains in adult relationships.

My issues are different than when I was a teen, but just the other day I chose self harm as a way to deal with it. But I don't chose that for longer periods of time and so will you.

Speak up to your friends and tell them you are not comfortable with talking about specifics about SI and that it is not a joke to you, nor do you see it as Fun. Take cake, use plenty of neosporeum on your wounds and keep them clean.... Dawn

Re: lost
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 3 23:43:49 2002 (#1401)

that sux. i know how it is to be told that I'm going through a phase and also to have my problem belittled by so called cutters who laugh about it like it's no big deal. For me it is a big deal. It's a way of life, it's who I am. Tke care of yourself and know that we care and understand. Love you, El x x

Re: lost
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 01:20:13 2002 (#1410)

i'm sorry. i was gonna post some shit about what a teacher said. i'll post it in a minute or two. i dont have any friends who know, but i have a few who think that they have a problem cause they've snapped rubber bands on their arms and left welts for about an hour. and they always talk about how bad it was. the funny thing is, they get people to agree with them that its a big deal. sometimes i get mad about it, today i'm just gonna laugh it off. they're just making asses outta themselves. i hope things get better, you can always write to me if you need to talk.

Re: lost
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Apr 4 05:04:44 2002 (#1418)

fuck those ignorant people. they need to come to their senses. theyre just scared cause youve realized how the world IS pain and theyre just living in a bubble world.

why do we do the things we do?
Posted by lostchild on Wed Apr 3 21:40:43 2002 (#1397)

kae, and everyone here~
hunnie~
i am just like you. i am not one who takes pride in cutting themselves or likes to talk about it- I actually hate to talk about it. it's not a cool thing to me. and its most definately NOT just a phase. we all do self destructive things for a purpose: binge, cut, burn, ana, mia- u name it, its still harmful. and we dont do it to be "cool." we binge because we have a void in our life such as love, we are anorexic for control when everything around us is spinning, we cut because we want to hurt and to feel SOMETHING, anything, and to know that we are still here. we cut because we want to watch ourselves heal, we cut because WE are in control of our pain, and no one else. we cut because we hate ourselves, because we hate others hating ourselves, and because others cause us pain.
as for me, im going ana again.
of course i will always cut, but i swich from suicide to anorexia, and back to suicide. so please someone catch me when i fall back again and want to take my life more than i want to breathe- because i dont know how much longer i can survive this vicious cycle.
~just me,
lostchild

Re: why do we do the things we do?
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 3 23:46:10 2002 (#1402)

oh sweetie, you sound so like me it hurts to read what you said. I'll be there to catch you if you'll let me. I love you loads and loads and I'll always be here for you. x x x

Re: why do we do the things we do?
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 00:24:14 2002 (#1404)

Hiya
Ill be here for you if you ever wanna talk.
Lots of love and twinkerly stars
She

Re: why do we do the things we do?
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 01:22:00 2002 (#1411)

just stay here with us. we know how it is, we'll always try to help.

shitty day
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 00:09:32 2002 (#1403)

I just feel so crap today. i went to the doctors this morning and she doubled my meds which made me go all weird. I feel so spaced, like my head's floating a million miles above my body and I have this screaming pain in my temples. I don't know how much more of this I can take. This shit's supposd to make me better but it makes me feel like shit for a month, then they decide to up the dose because it's not working and then I feel shit again for another month. It's like a never ending cycle. I just need to get out of this hell hole. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG GGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I hurt so much physically and mentally. I want to die so much, simply because I need this to stop. I need it to stop

Re: shitty day
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 00:29:23 2002 (#1405)

Ohh sweetie

Im so sorry that the pills arnt working .Wots wrong with those dumb people ?Im so sorry you feel so bad . (((((((((((((((HUGE HUGZ))))))))))))
Girl you cant die please dont even think about it babe i would miss you so much.
Stay safe yeah
I love you sweetie you and donna are the only friends i have and you are worth a million dollars to me .
She~she

Re: shitty day
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 4 00:46:04 2002 (#1406)

I've been feeling the same way for the past couple of weeks. I sympathize with you. Almost every day this week I thought about suicide. I don't know how much more I can take either. We just have to stay strong. they say you have to get worse to get better.

Re: shitty day
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 01:24:03 2002 (#1412)

that sucks, what happens when you dont take it? if things are worse on it, maybe you should go off it. but dont just take my advise, i've never been on meds, i dont know much about them. i dont know... sorry. this didnt help much. write to me if you need to talk!

Songs?
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 4 00:53:03 2002 (#1407)

Are there any songs out there that deal with si? I love to put music to parts of my life and haven't found anything to associate this with.

Re: Songs?
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 01:27:53 2002 (#1413)

ummm.... i was gonna say something... oh yeah, last resort by papa roach (my fav. song), and that song by jimmy eat world...i have the cd...i know what its called.... shit. anyway, its like "salt sweat, sugar on the asphalt...". its got something about cutting your arm in it. cky has a lot about depression and shit in it, staind is really good. not all about cutting, but a lot of how i know i feel, i dont know about anyone else. good luck

Re: Songs?
Posted by kae on Thu Apr 4 12:32:40 2002 (#1427)

Theres this song by Rehab that I totally love...its not about SI but its about depression.
I was going to post the lyrics sometime anyway:

IT DONT MATTER

Sittin in traffic
Another day of feeling nothing.
Trying to find something...
I guess it's back to huffin'
Paint and model glue
Oh how I die
When I look at you smilin'
Lovin' life
And all I know is blue.
Rainy days and cold stares
Broken love affairs
Everything's beautiful
As long as I ain't there.
I guess I wasn't meant to crack a smile
Who cares.
I think I'll go to sleep for a while now...

I'm barely livin' in my skin
Depression's my only friend.
And I don't know where I am heading
Tryin' to forget where I've been.
And I'm so sick of lying
God please show me that silver lining.
Cuz I've heard tale and I'm not well
My heads full of hell
And this world's a jail but...

It don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air.
Cuz everything good's over there,
And everything here's hard to bear.
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air.
Cuz everything good's over there,
And everything here's hard to bear.

And as the apin begins to displace
Had it to ear level,
With this place you see it on my face;
A state of suspended grace.
Gradually I erase
And find comfort in the sickest womb.
I might be present but not in the room.
To whom it may consume
Melting ensembles bleeding chellos
Running through Bordellos drama
Like Othello hidin' out from Poncharello
Dead off in the Median.
Fallin apart like usual
Handin' out flyers to my funeral

So they say that life's a play,
And that all the world's a stage.
Then for another part I pray
The show ends the same way everyday.
And my heart carries the pain of a brain I can't explain.
Am I insane...
Am I insane...?

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air.
Cuz everything good's over there,
And everything here's hard to bear.
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air.
Cuz everything good's over there,
And everything here's hard to bear.

And everything good is gone
And everything bad is here

It doesn't really matter now does it...

I have it pinned to my wall because I love the way its written.

luv, kae

Re: Songs?
Posted by . on Thu Apr 4 21:24:48 2002 (#1444)

NINE INCH NAILS

Hurt

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Re: Songs?
Posted by GreenEggSam on Fri Apr 5 02:05:34 2002 (#1465)

Have you ever heard of a band called Jack-Off-Jill? They're a Manson/Chris Vrenna project, but they just broke up. They play a song called "Strawberry Gashes" on their "Clear Hearts, Grey Flowers" album that's about SI, and they have a bunch of others, too. Sometimes I think the music is therapeutic or something, but other times, I blare it when I cut - kind of twisted, you know?

Sam

Re: Songs?
Posted by jennyfer on Sat Apr 6 22:55:57 2002 (#1565)

yeah there's this one song from this band "cold" it's called "bleed" it's pretty cool like if u read the lyrics it's like yeah...and "part of me" from "linkin park" u have to really listen to the words or really read the lyrics...they help me when i'm gonna go crazy on myself...

Friends are hell
Posted by liverpoolfc on Thu Apr 4 00:56:46 2002 (#1408)

My friends have been ragging on me lately for not wearing short sleeves in the hot weather with summer coming up and all, but I know if they see the scars or new cuts they will be furious and won't talk to me for a couple of weeks. But they continue to beg me to wear tees and tank tops. I don't understand them. They found out about a year ago that I cut myself, and after they found out they never asked about it again. Do you think they still know or would they think I was cured. Friends Suck!

Re: Friends are hell
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 01:31:36 2002 (#1414)

yeah, i'm scared to death about summer. i love summer clothes, but it looks like unless this scar cream works, i'll be in long sleeves all summer. if my mom knows i'm writing about it (cause she goes through my room), she'll yell at me and we'll fight cause she says i'm doing it for attention (you're the only people who know about it, my friends have no clue) and bitches and feels sorry for herself cause i write shit about her and 'how would i fell if she cut' and all that shit. i wouldnt know cause shed hide it and i wouldnt go through her shit. she wouldnt have to worry about feeling bad if she didnt read my shit. simple solution!! then she wont say anything about it to me afterwards. she went through my shit one day, i know cause my razor was gone, and didnt say anything. just took it. thank god i had another one...

Re: Friends are hell
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Apr 4 05:11:25 2002 (#1419)

hey lostchild! one of my friends that knows is doing the same thing she keeps wanting me to go tanning with her and im like NO i dont want to...but she acts like shes totally forgotten what i confided in her almost a year ago. i guess she thinks im cured. plus her exact words when i told her were "its not that bad at all! whats the big deal??" so i donno whatever

Re: Friends are hell
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 12:09:25 2002 (#1423)

Hello
Oh shit i hadnt even thourght about thwe summer yet . Argh well umm good point.Ive got some pritty cool stuff thaat fades scars pritty well (aole vera) .Ill have to plaster myself with that .
But hay the suns here even if we have to walk round with A huge coat on those of us who suffer from S.A.D will be pritty happy to see the sun.
There are some places on my body that i find people wont see the scares on like behind my knees
or on the back of my arms .
Hurm well n e way ... ok now im just talking shit i think i should just post this now.
Which is what im gonna do.
Love
She**

Re: Friends are hell
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 12:41:42 2002 (#1429)

Most friends suck unless you find one of the few that are worth their weight in gold. Unfortunately my best friend tried to kill herself and is now just as screwed as me, the rest of them couldn't give a fuck. My best friends now are on here :)
I'm dreading summer, I don't know what I'm gonna do about the scars. It's not as if I can hide them without boiling to death coz they're all up my arms. Let me know if anyone finds a solution yeah? Love always and forever, El x

Hi everyone
Posted by Erryn on Thu Apr 4 01:37:23 2002 (#1415)

Hey guys Im glad to be back i had to go to the hospital for a couple of weeks and now im back sorry i missed everyone and the opp to help but im here now. i havent cut in 2 weeks and the doctor says im cured whatever these doctors are quacks. my boss told on me and i had to get help or lose my job it sucked well im glad everyone is still around take care and if anyone needs anything just ask im here love Erryn

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 03:14:09 2002 (#1417)

i was wondering what happened to you... i hope you're feeling better now and that the hospital helped, at least a little. how are your kids doin? good, i hope. its good that you got to keep your job, some people are dicks and would say no. dont really know what to say, so i'm gonna stop babbling. good luck, you can write to me if you ever need anyone to talk to.
luv
mego

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Apr 4 05:13:31 2002 (#1420)

there you are!!! yeah doctors are quacks!! i hope everythings at least a little better...2 weeks is really good!! keep that up!!

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 12:19:11 2002 (#1425)

Dockters are pritty dumb seeing as they have so many quallifercation thingys. I hope your feeling loads better.
Stay in touch let me kow if you ever wanna talk.
Loads of love
She

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 12:44:09 2002 (#1430)

hey honey!!!!! it's great to see you back!!!!! Give your kids a HUGE hug from me and have one for yourself :) Keep in touch hun! Love ya loads, El x x

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 18:27:37 2002 (#1436)

Eleanor i have a sotution we should all pack our backs and move to alaska that would be sooo cool(litraly)and then we would want to wear big coats .
Prehaps its not that practical though .Urm well ill try to think of a decent ider.
Love you loads
She

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 21:42:08 2002 (#1449)

hehe!!!! Sounds like a pretty good idea to me! can we live in an igloo???? love you!!!!!!

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 21:46:38 2002 (#1451)

yeah and we could have like pet penguins and polo bears.
Love ya always
She

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 21:52:48 2002 (#1452)

cool!!!!! we'd have to go ice fishing and all that shit to get food though, don't think they'll have too many supermarkets!

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 22:28:05 2002 (#1453)

Well then i better start learning about ice fishing caus i know little about it i can learn though lol.
What we gonna call the penguins??
love you loads and loads
She

Loves hugz and a big snuggaly jumper

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 22:48:52 2002 (#1454)

Hmmmmmmmmm, I dunno! what about hendrix, Talula and giggles????? Ok, I am officially going mad! Whp in their right mind would call a penguin giggles?! lol! Love you loads x x x

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 23:10:21 2002 (#1455)

Yeah those names are wicked .There totaly cool however we will have to get 1 more and call it Kurt .God i love kurt.

Hurm yeah mabey im going mad ohh well never mind if were gonna live in alaska And were both mad it will just be funny.

How the hell did all this start??
Love you loads
She

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 15:44:53 2002 (#1499)

sweetie i have no idea how this started! i can live with kurt, thats pretty cool too! hehe! Love you loads x x x x

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 16:08:29 2002 (#1506)

what kinda stuff we gonna have in our igloo?
Love you
She

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 16:25:48 2002 (#1507)

Well............ we're gonna have to have one of those blow up sofas, you know those plastic ones? Cause a normal one would get all wet and soggy, uurgh! Can we have a purple on? Pretty please?! I don't know why I want a purple one, it's just the mood I'm in at the moment I guess! hehe! What do you want in it?
Love you x x

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 18:02:44 2002 (#1509)

Ohh yeah purple is cool (its a mystical colour)
We could have a cair thats in the shame of a hand ( i love those )Umm well wold have to have a fire i guess and a pink fluffy clock .lol
I love you loads an loads an loads
She **

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 20:17:41 2002 (#1515)

Oh yeah, definitly! And outside we could drill a lil pool for the penguins to play in with blow up toys and a water slide! love you loads x x x x

Re: Hi everyone
Posted by She on Sat Apr 6 13:20:39 2002 (#1526)

Ohh yeah that would be sooooo cool lol.Prehaps we could have a lava lapm too i have never had one of those but they look real cool.
Love you loads
She

teachers, dad, cuts, just a lotta shit
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 01:52:23 2002 (#1416)

i got three hours of sleep last night. i couldnt sleep. the puppy was awake and crying so my dad went and started beating on him. i'll bet hes real proud of himself. my mom yelled at him last night, but this morning she yelled at me for being mad about it. i hate him. i have one cigarette left. i'm grounded. i cut the shit outta my stomach last night. i was writing while i was doing it, i used a page on the notebook to wipe up all my blood cause it was just getting everywhere. it soaked a whole page. i didnt realize how bad it was till i got home from school and looked at the notebook and my stomach. (my mom is giving me shit right now while i'm typing. "i'm going out on friday with jodonna, just so you know" "aren't i grounded?" "yeah" "then why are you even telling me" "well, there you go. youre grounded" ummm... no shit. i already knew that. dumbass.) today in health we were talking about why people smoke, which went into talking about depression. someone brought up cutting and my teachers like "no. people who cut, thats just a cry for help. its for attention" the kid was trying to explain, no, there are people who hide it and all that shit and he just wouldn't listen!! i was so mad. he kept insisting people only cut for attention. goddamn people!! i was so mad, i wish i could have stood up and fucking said something. just pull up my sleeve and show him my arm, show him my stomach and scream that he was wrong cause nobody knows about me. how could i be doing it for attention. but that would just ruin the whole purpose, now wouldnt it? i would never have the balls to say anything anyway. but is he retarded?? goddamn. that was, like, offensive. well, i'm done with my bitching. sorry, that was long, just had to post something and this shit is making me so mad lately. oh yeah, and my dumbshit dad was freaking out the other day because this guy i work with, phil, was carring a box for me cause i'm a little pussy and it was too heavy, so right away when we get home my dad tells my mom he thinks i was doing "favors" for phil cause he was supposedly doing my work for me. he doesnt get it! why the fuck is he so stupid! alright, i'm done this time, really...

Re: teachers, dad, cuts, just a lotta shit
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Apr 4 05:19:07 2002 (#1421)

mego shit how can your dad beat a cute little puppy? ya know what ill come visit you and we'll beat him up together! try and ration the last cig. a little and make it last. you should write an anonymous note to your health teacher that says something like "your comments the other day about cutting being for attention were extremely offending" and just say that like have it typed and put it on his desk or something. i donno if itll work cause youre school seems pretty strict...but its a thought. its probably what i would do. but anyways chica i love you!!!!!

Re: teachers, dad, cuts, just a lotta shit
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 12:25:03 2002 (#1426)

hiya seetie
Ohh my god i would of hit that person if i heared him what a knob.
Im really sorry things arent going to great for you at the moment . If you ever wanna talk you please let me know .
Loads of love
She

Re: teachers, dad, cuts, just a lotta shit
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 12:49:13 2002 (#1431)

Parents suck. I have a teacher who goes on like that, they think they know everything but they don't have a clue. Shit why do people have to be so crap? Anyway take care and you know where i am if ya need to talk, rant, ramble, whatever ok? x x

life is like a box of chocolates yeah right
Posted by snoopy on Thu Apr 4 08:18:58 2002 (#1422)

just thought i would write to say hi to all and that the saying life is like a box of chocolates is so wrong life sux majorly and i so need to die real soon i keep saying but that soon is aproaching. there is a slight delemma though fuck it all u either do it properly or end up in a stupid psychiatric unit yet again and those places in nz are hell
anyway just wondering ur opinions about that deliemma
see ya
snoops

Re: life is like a box of chocolates yeah right
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 12:35:01 2002 (#1428)

Ohhh yeah i know what you mean .

Umm i took way too many pills cause i thourght it was time that it all should stop but it didnt go to plan i had my stomach pumped ( shit that was horribal) and i was kept in for a few days.At the hospital there kinda used to me coming in with drug abuse and "accidental overdoses" ect so they were convinsed when i told them it was accidental . However my psysiatrist wasnt and he is saying unless i improve alot i will have to go to a childs psyciatric unit.
So just think loads and loads befor you do n e thing .
Im here for you if you ever want to talk ,
Stay safe yeah
Loads of love
She

oooops
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Apr 4 15:54:58 2002 (#1432)

hey everyone........ ive decided im dropping out of 6th form now because the stress of exams would be too much for me....the docs agree. ill be going back in september. anyways i needed to tell my best friend this before we go back to skool monday rite? i said can i meet her satday coz need to tell her summet so she ses yeah ok. today she sent msge sayin what is it give me cle.....sos i ended up telling her through txt that i wont b cummin to school again and just said i was depressed...stress too much etc. she ant replied and i feel real guilty now! was that insensitive of me?? to tell her over txt message? ooops

Re: oooops
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 17:20:13 2002 (#1433)

hey sweetie!!!! Thats what the doctors have suggested I do. Stop year 12 now and start from the beginning again in september. it's sounding like a better idea all the time! hope you're ok and had a good time! it's good to hear from you honey, love you loads, el x x x

Re: oooops
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 17:21:14 2002 (#1434)

p.s your friend will come round, don't worry. if she's really your friend she'll see it's for the best. x x

Re: oooops
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 18:22:14 2002 (#1435)

Hello
Try not to worry about your friend to much she should realise it is the best for you. Mabey shes not even mad but all her money has run out on her phone (i hate the ladey who goes "you currentyl have less then 60 seconds reamaig in your just talk account "argh ) .
Keep in touch sweetie pie
its nice your back .
Loads of love hugz and a big tree with smelly blossoming flowers on it.
She~She

Re: oooops
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 4 23:47:24 2002 (#1461)

no, it wasnt wrong. she wanted to know, you told her. she has no right at all to be mad at you about anything. no reason that i can think of at least...

Re: oooops
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 14:56:33 2002 (#1486)

hello sweetie pie

Has she been in touch with you yet??
could you get in touch with her and see if shes cool about things?
Love you loads
she**

HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 18:34:31 2002 (#1437)

HELLO I WAS READING THIS THINGY ON THE COMPUTER AND IT SAID THAT EVERY TIME YOUR HUGGED YOU BLOOD PRESSURE DROPS LOADS AND IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER SO I THOURGHT I WOULD GIVE EVERY ONE A HUGE
((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))) ))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))) ))))))))))))))))))
HOPE EVERY ONE IS DOING OK IM STUCK IN MY HOUSE AND IM REALLY BORED SO IF N E ONE WANTS TO CHAT LET ME KNOW .
LOADS OF LOVE
SHE~SHE

Re: HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 21:09:16 2002 (#1440)

right back at ya sweetie! x x x

Re: HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 21:25:09 2002 (#1445)

thank you
love you loads and loads and loads
stay in touch
she

help
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Apr 4 19:20:40 2002 (#1438)

Don't mix the knives/ Cant mix the knives/ This will kill me someday// No point in stopping/ Can not be stopping/ When I feel this way//
This feeling is crushing/ This weight is crushing/ It's gonna kill me someday// No point in living/ Can not be living/ When I feel this way//
Somebody Help me/ Somebody save me/ Rescue me from myself// Feel so alone/ Alone in a room full of people/ Last one left on the shelf//
Let me make it tonight/ Let me stay for a while/ Stop me feeling this way// Ease my pain/ Pray for me now/ This is gonna kill me someday//

Re: help
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 19:48:52 2002 (#1439)

wow that is so right .
loadsa love
she

Re: help
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Apr 4 21:18:28 2002 (#1442)

that was really good xxxx

Re: help
Posted by mego on Fri Apr 5 03:07:22 2002 (#1466)

thats really good. i like how it sounds. i read it outloud to myself, its got a rythem to it that i really like. keep writing!

Re: help
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Apr 5 19:27:48 2002 (#1512)

Hello, I don't know why I posted that poem last night, it isn't very good, but if any of you have Elbow's album 'asleep in the back' the poem has the same rhythm as 'don't mix your drinks'.

Re: help
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 20:09:09 2002 (#1514)

Hiya
I loved the poem it was really good.
I havent heard the new album yet .
Love you loads
She

Re: help
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 22:21:59 2002 (#1518)

that was really good. it made a lot of sense. x

mmm
Posted by scared aka donna on Thu Apr 4 21:17:18 2002 (#1441)

geeeeesh i feel real messed up tonight. for the 4th day now i have stayed in the pattern of eating then vomiting? i no to evry1 out there this may sound like bulimia or wotever but i just cant seem to let that register in my head. i just all of a sudden got this urge to vommit after my tea and now its like i cant stop like i feel ashamed or summet if i dont. i feel fat and useless. its an alternative to cutting i guesss......which is worse though..cuting or throwing up? geeesh when did life get so complicated?

Re: mmm
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 21:23:58 2002 (#1443)

ohh sweetie

i love you yeah .
You are so so special to me and dont forget that.
Love you loads and loads and loads and loads .
She~she

Re: mmm
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 21:37:54 2002 (#1447)

Sweetie! I do that too. I dunno which is worse coz in the worst cases both could kill you. Life sux doesn't it? Oh well, you'll always have me and you know it!! Love you loads n loads n loads, El x x x

Re: mmm
Posted by mego on Fri Apr 5 03:17:05 2002 (#1469)

i've been doing that a lot lately. i used to have a few problems with it, but it was getting harder to do, and i was breaking blood vessles and shit in my face from it, so i stopped. lately, i haven't been eating hardly at all, and i've been throwing up too. i dont think i have a disorder or anything, i'm just trying to lose some weight, and thats healthy for me because i need to, so maybe its healthy for you too. just be careful, dont lose too much.

HEY GUYS!
Posted by Donna on Thu Apr 4 21:26:22 2002 (#1446)

well, i havent been on for a while which was partly due to the fact that the old message board had problems and mostly due to the fact that i feel like i have no right to come on cos u all hav bigger problems than me! ive had a really good couple of weeks and ive seen my new shrink twice. Things were lookin good for me-until today that is-i had a big row with my mum-the biggest in a long time-i told her to drop dead(and more unthinkable names) i cried and cried afterwards! i really hate living here-its killing me ever so slowly and rite now....its at the stage where im on a life support machine....on the verge of just slipping away! things hav been good since my "accident" but rite now.....its hell! i havent cut but i know i will b4 this day is over!!!words really cant explain how im feeling exactly but im distraught!!my past just wont seem to go away and leave me in peace!

Re: HEY GUYS!
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 4 21:39:38 2002 (#1448)

the past always has a nasty habit of catching you up, no matter how hard to try to escape it. take care sweetie and don't give up!!!!! love ya, el x

Re: HEY GUYS!
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 21:45:27 2002 (#1450)

hello
it really good to here from you.
Yeah the past can suck when it catches you .
Loads a love
She~she

Re: HEY GUYS!
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Apr 5 15:21:00 2002 (#1494)

hiya donna, its nice to hear from you...keep fighting girl. i believe in you xxx

n e one here
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 23:17:51 2002 (#1456)

Is n e one here im really bored?
Loads a love
SHE

Re: n e one here
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Apr 5 00:21:22 2002 (#1462)

everyone is here for you. What do you want to talk about?

Re: n e one here
Posted by diana on Fri Apr 5 00:23:47 2002 (#1463)

yeah im here too and im bored as hell...

Re: n e one here
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 11:15:11 2002 (#1480)

XxxxxxxxxxxX
thanx