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lyrics
Posted by kae on Sat Feb 2 11:21:49 2002 (#888)

I just love the song "Don't Let Me Get Me" by Pink. I can relate to the lyrics almost 100%....heres part of it:

Every day I fight a war against a mirror
Can't take the person staring back at me.

I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor, won't you please prescribe me something...
...A day in the life of someone else?

Its exactly how I feel - its my favourite song.

kae

Re: lyrics
Posted by Erin on Sat Feb 2 16:30:02 2002 (#889)

sounds like a cool song

overcome with sadness
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 19:01:58 2002 (#890)

I;'m sad, I know what is making me sad, my past..things I can't change. Fucked up things that I wish I could erase out of my mind..but I know they will always be there, forever.
I can't wait for the school year to be over so I can go somewhere , away from my life for a while. I was put in the situation back in July where I had the choice, do I want to return to my everyday life, and see a therapist and take medications, or do I want to go to a place where there were people "like me" for 6months to a year. I decided to come home. I dont know why..but now I am only anticipating my mom and dad to find out about me cutting again and send me away for good..I want to tel them soo bad. I am scared I might do something I will regret, like kill myself..but I kind of know I won't.
My stomach is cut beyong belief..the pain is so great that it's just one huge numb yet constant sting.
"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real."-NIN

I'm sad..Iwant to go away..I don't want to get better..which is the fucked up thing. I startting (again) to like my feelings of hurt and cutting,It's not right..I wish everything would just go away.
I'm so sad.. I can't cry..but I am...I'm confused.
-KAT

Re: overcome with sadness
Posted by jue on Mon Feb 4 10:24:49 2002 (#898)

hey hon...
i am sorry...big hugs...i hope you are okay....i have hope for you...i hate the sadness sometimes it takes so long to go away...i am sorry...i hope that it gets better
try to take care
hugs
julie

Ignore this post...its just a vent
Posted by Alana on Sun Feb 3 00:51:42 2002 (#891)

I hate being stood up...especially by my best friend. FUCK FUCK FUCK. She has no concept of time, and it pisses me off....

Sorry, just needed to vent.

Love, Alana

PS Don't reply, there's really no point...there's nothing to say.

Good stuff
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 3 18:12:28 2002 (#893)

I love this song it's called For You by Staind and it explains a lot of shit thats gone on with me and my life.. here's the lyrics :To my mother, to my father
It's your son or it's your daughter
Are my screams loud enough
For you to hear me?
Should I turn it up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
This silence gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

The silence is what kills me
I need someone to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make desicions

Cuz I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

All your insults and your curses
Make me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I'm nothing
But you made me

So do something
Because I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention
Attention you couldn't give
I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

there ya go, that's all it says. Aaron Lewis the singer for the band makes me so sad but feel soo good when I listen to him because he sounds so sad.
Love
KAT

Excess Baggage...
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Mon Feb 4 02:48:32 2002 (#894)

well I know the words, but I cant really speak them, to you...
And I hide all the pain, that Ive gained with my wisdom, from you...
And Im eaten alive, by what I hold inside...
All the things that I live with, I cant easily hide....
And Im left here with nothing, nothing to live for..
But you...
Its not easy to hide, all this damage inside...
I'll carry you with me... until Im not alive...
When you look at my face, does it seem just as ugly.. to you..
and I cant seem to erase, all the scars I have lived with..
from you...
Im so sick of this place... and this taste in mouth...
cause of you I cant figure, what Im all about.
and Im left here with nothing,
nothing to live for...
but you..
its not easy to hide...all this damage inside..
I'll carry you with me...
until Im not alive.

Re: Excess Baggage...
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Feb 4 03:31:44 2002 (#895)

thats a really good poem thinger...it's so deep and i love it

Re: Excess Baggage...
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Mon Feb 4 04:44:07 2002 (#896)

kim,
its not a poem, it is lyrics from a song by Staind, called Excess baggage.
beautiful isnt it.

Re: Excess Baggage...
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 06:13:31 2002 (#897)

YAY! another staind song, I posted about them earlier today.
I LOOOOOOOVE the song you posted beyond words.
It makes me cry everytime I listen to it..Staind has such amazing songs, it's so nice how I can relate to just about every single word Aaron Lewis says..they arent really my type of music, but I love them with all my heart.
thanks for posting this
love ya!
-KAT

Re: Excess Baggage...
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Mon Feb 4 16:43:00 2002 (#900)

Kat, I just read your other post abpit Staind, I didnt realise you had also posted a song by them!
I agree though, the songs are amazing, Aaron Lewis has such an amazing voice too..
yeh I love him!!!!!!!!!
I can relate to most of the songs, especially Excess Baggage, that has got to be my favourite.
Anyhow, Im babbelling now so I'll go
BYEEEEEEEEE

Re: Excess Baggage...
Posted by Erin on Mon Feb 4 21:49:55 2002 (#901)

I can play that on my guitar

BUT>>>>>
Posted by jue on Mon Feb 4 10:28:22 2002 (#899)

i understand that cutting gets me into an even bigger mess but damn...why oh why does it feel so fucking good???? why does causing pain make me feel loved and special???? it doesn't really make sense to the rational individual...however i don't think i would classify myself as rational.
oh well..here's to being a first class fuck up :)

Re: BUT>>>>>
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Feb 4 23:09:55 2002 (#902)

the reason it feels so good, it because you are in sooo much pain on the inside that you need to put the pain somewhere else, like cutting...to make you feel loved and happy even if it is just for a little while.

~kim

Re: BUT>>>>>
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 23:20:47 2002 (#903)

I have also wondered the same thing. And I have two conclusions for myself..they might be something that you can relate to as well.
When I was a younger kid my mother and sometimes father beat us kids like hell..over the smallest things. It's taken a long time and a lot of therapy for me to realize that maybe I cut myself because when I was a child thats how my mother "punished" me for doing bad things. So now when I feel like I've fucked up or done something bad or even just sad, I'll inflict that same old feeling of hurt that was once throw upon me so young. Another thing I have heard is that when you get hurt and you start to feel great amounts of pain your body releases a chemical to help you calm down and now feel it as much, therfore I guess making it in a sence feel good.
I hope this kinda explains a little..take care and I understand what you're saying.
love KAT!
:)

Re: BUT>>>>>
Posted by Linda on Wed Feb 6 15:44:34 2002 (#927)

After many months of corresponding with you all I have my own ideas about why this is done. I know some of you will be offended but please bear with me. I believe that you each were created with a desire toward God. You ALL have gods of some kind. You were created "in His image". You will never be happy until you are in communication with your designer. He has given you a conscience which, when heeded, will draw you to the knowledge of Him. The ten commandments were, for example, given to bring us to the realization that we NEEDED a Savior. There is no way that any of us can keep those BUT Jesus came and kept them for us. You speak of hurt on the inside and I suggest that the hurt is conviction of sin. You know that you have done wrong and it just plain hurts when you feel that you are so worthless and helpless to keep from doing the things that you know are wrong. The pain comes in because sin MUST be punished. You were born with that knowledge. Your parents were not doing anything wrong to punish you for wrongdoing. They may have had a wrong motive and have been out of control in severity and that is wrong but God was the one that instructed us to discipline children. It was for the sole purpose of helping you understand that you need to control yourself in order to become a mature and responsible adult. It was also preparing your heart to understand that sin always has consequences and to eventually bring you to see that ALL that sin has already been paid for. The pain has already been experienced. The blood has already been shed. It is all erased if you will accept it. BUT<<

a poem
Posted by Sharon on Mon Feb 4 23:26:23 2002 (#904)

Here's a poem I wrote awhile back. I hope that anyone else who has anorexia in their lives can read this and . . . if not feel better . . . then at least know that someone else fights with this too. You're not alone.
Peace,
Sharon

Anorexia

Hunger that gnaws and stabs
Far beneath skin deep.
Beyond shallow appearance
And trite remarks.
Hunger just to be
Something other than the
Hollow eyed reflection that stares
Back from out of my mirror.
Someone I don't even recognize.
Funny how the illusion of control
Can completely overwhelm the mind
Until I can't even tell
If these hands are my own.
Count the ribs of skeletal existence.
Count the pounds of meaningless lies.
Count the seconds ticking by,
Wasting my life away.
This has nothing to do with what is seen.
This has nothing to do with
The numbers spinning dizzily into place.
It's all about the void within,
Emptying the empty
And destroying the full
In hopes of finally escaping the hunger
That demands more existence
Than others are willing to give.
Hopes of starving away a hunger
That will never be filled.

Re: a poem
Posted by KAT on Mon Feb 4 23:52:08 2002 (#905)

I don't have anorexia Sharon, but I thought your poem was awsome!
It sounds like it must have hurt really deep every word you wrote, take care.
stay strong,
love
KAT

Re: a poem
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Feb 6 01:21:03 2002 (#912)

Sharon,
I relate completely, love the poem.
thanks for sharing it with us.
Love Roses and Empathy.
...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ...

I'm back, sort of!
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Feb 5 02:15:15 2002 (#907)

Hi everyone, I've really missed all of ya'll, but I haven't been able to get to a computer till tonight. Everyone knows I live in Oklahoma and last Wednesday our power went off because of an ice storm. We've been staying with my husbands sister and her husband in Clinton about 13 miles
away. They have power and hot water!!!!!!! I've looked at a few posts but cant really say much as
this computer is really slooooooooooooooooow! I
have been thinking about all of you and have noticed a few new ones on the old board. I hope you all stay safe and I'll be back on line when I
get my power back. I love all of you, take care.
Love, Rhonda

Sendig lil' prayers your way
Posted by Nuni on Tue Feb 5 20:19:24 2002 (#911)

Take care, and stay warm.
Love,
Nuni

my great plan
Posted by pink girl on Tue Feb 5 03:36:19 2002 (#908)

i had a brilliant idea for a diet after christmas. i would take laxitives to help with my weight loss, only now i dont want to stop. as quickly as cutting took hold of my life a year and a half ago, now have laxatives. its so stupid as its only been a month, buti cant stop.
i guess on the bright side i am loosing weight.
:-/

Re: my great plan
Posted by KAT on Tue Feb 5 03:50:11 2002 (#909)

This sounds like a really easy way to get yourself on the road to an eating disorder, or something similar to bulimia, I dont know much about those kind of disorders, but it sounds like you've already made it on the path that way. Be careful, try and stop now before things seriously get out of complete control, it seems they are getting close.
Take care and try and do what'll benefit you in the most positive way..loosing weight isn't worth loosing your life sweetie pie.
take it easy..
love KAT

Re: my great plan
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Feb 6 02:24:33 2002 (#915)

Honey, please be careful with that stuff. It's okay to loose a little weight but don't go overboard. I worry to much about ya'll and I don't like seeing anyone of you in any pain. Just be careful, okay? Email me if you ever want to talk. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: my great plan
Posted by Sharon on Wed Feb 6 02:39:18 2002 (#916)

My advice is (like everyone else's) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be careful! If you're already at a point where you don't want to stop, you're in too deep. I've had anorexia for almost a year now and believe me, it started out with "the last 5 pounds", course that was never enough. First of all, do you even need to be losing the weight? If you do, there are safe HEALTHY ways of doing it! Laxatives aren't that great cuz all you're losing is water weight and there's a risk of dehydration. I don't mean to preach at you, but this is something you DO NOT want to get stuck in. Take care of yourself, you're in my prayers.
Peace,
Sharon

Re: my great plan
Posted by melz on Wed Feb 6 05:17:55 2002 (#921)

yup, Sharon is right about the lax: they mainly just cause you to loose water weight, and you can become seriously dehydrated. Be careful with those things, only take them if you really need to poop, lol

hey ppl
Posted by jes on Tue Feb 5 10:50:57 2002 (#910)

hey there. just popping my head in to say hi. i can't actually rea any of the posts cos there's come sort of filter on this stupid computer but i hope that you're all ok.
i'm ok just incase anyone's interested, a little confused and a bit drained from being stoned all of the time, but if it stops me from doing what i don't want to then it can't be half bad can it? I got an appointment at the head doc's for friday, so i suppose that's something to be sober for>?
take care, xxxx

Re: hey ppl
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 6 01:36:55 2002 (#914)

Hi there sweetie, I dont know if youll read this, but its good to here your doing alright these days.
I know what you mean about being stoned all the time, but I cut when Im stoned, so its no good either way.
but anyways...good luck at the head doc.
take care
love you bunches
-KAT

Re: hey ppl
Posted by jes on Wed Feb 6 02:49:44 2002 (#918)

hey, thanka for the reply, i don't think i was expecting one. and yes, once again i'm off my face.
but anyways, umm.............i forget. oh, yeah, i don't generally cut when i'm stoned, although i've just found something that i'm gonna have to try out. :-)
i'm gonna go before no-one ever takes me seriously ever, ever again.
take care, xxxxxxxx

Re: hey ppl
Posted by Star (amz ) on Thu Feb 7 11:20:04 2002 (#937)

Hi babe, i think that it aint a long time thing but if if helping then i guess i cant say anything u saw me on sat lol i was wrecked, wish i could find a way to get away from it all sometimes :), what did u mean about the way u have found? im intrested and of course nosey as usual lol/ I love you Amz xxx

Re: hey ppl
Posted by jes on Fri Feb 8 23:39:02 2002 (#957)

never mind amz, was nothing, i was drunk. or stoned. or on something else. i don't remember

Re: hey ppl
Posted by Star (amz ) on Tue Feb 19 12:43:19 2002 (#1015)

maybe thats the problem, you need tofind urself without all the drugs n shit, they cant really be helping you. this is only cause i care.amz x

Re: hey ppl
Posted by jes on Fri Feb 22 00:11:31 2002 (#1025)

it keeps me happy, why not? don't mean to sound rude or owt like that. Ok, so i am stone and a little drunk again, but hey, why not indeedy. xx

Re: hey ppl
Posted by star on Fri Feb 22 13:03:08 2002 (#1031)

But for how long? will it keep you happy, how long till they dont work anymore and you have to progress i just font like seein you hurt your self it aint my business tho its ur life im sorry ignore me, just caring i guess, im sorry.

typical
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Feb 6 01:25:11 2002 (#913)

I dont understand, I may never know.
Why you said you loved me, then told me to go.
What was this worth? Our romantic affair.
What did it cost you? To show that you care.
I feel so worthless, you've dont it again
Broken down my defences and made my sky rain
My self esteem demolished once more,
And all because, you I adore.

Re: typical
Posted by Sharon on Wed Feb 6 02:40:48 2002 (#917)

Have you been reading my journal? Darn, I thought I had it safely locked away and hidden! LOL, just saying I totally relate.
Peace,
Sharon

A.D.H.D
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Feb 6 03:15:44 2002 (#919)

Ok, I went to see a psychiatrist today, I have been diagnosed with A.D.D (Attention Deffacy dissorder) or some such bollocks, I dont even know the full outline of it, I dont know what I have supposedly got, some sort of low attention span? addictive behaviour? and apparently one of the many things involved with A.D.H.D is self injury. I feel really really shitty, I have been put on a dosage of 3 Ritalin tablets a day, and I cant be doing with it, with taking these tablets, you are supposed to eat as well, before taking them, and I cant physically eat during the day, I only eat something like a sandwich or a slice of toast a day, and that usually ends up down the toilet. What the hell am I supposed to do? Its driving me mad, as soon as I get off one lot of antidepressants, I get diognosed with some other shit and shoved on aload more tablets, Im sick of it... sorry Im ranting.
take care guys.
Love Roses and Empathy.
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: A.D.H.D
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Feb 6 04:24:22 2002 (#920)

how old are you? because most doctors dont tell pacients this but after a certain age, and taking a certain dosage ridilin can turn into speed...which is very addictive and such...

3 pills a day?!?! gosh that is a heck of a lot. kids that dont have add and take those pills get fucked up by just taking one.

maybe try and talking to the doc about giving you another kind of med instead of ridalin

Re: A.D.H.D
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Feb 6 07:16:07 2002 (#923)

kim, Im 15

Re: A.D.H.D
Posted by kae on Wed Feb 6 10:42:54 2002 (#926)

Is it ADD or ADHD? I know they sound the same but they're not. ADD is attention deficit disorder, and ADHD is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. (hope I don't sound like a smartarse here). Neither are anything to be ashamed of. I met a girl at the Shakespeare production school I went to that had ADD. She was 18 and on the right meds for it, and coping great. She was also one of the most amazing actresses there.
I don't know about the Ritalin thing, but it definitely doesn't sound like that dosage is working for you. Tell the doc and he'll fix it to suit your body.
Hang in there, girl. :)

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: A.D.H.D
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Feb 6 22:17:22 2002 (#928)

its ADHD

Re: A.D.H.D
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Feb 7 04:11:06 2002 (#932)

Sorry to hear that honey. Tara has the same thing.
She was taking Adderal for it instead of Ritlian.
My youngest took Ritlian from 1st grade through
6th grade. She got off of it also. both of them
are off all their meds for A.D.D. now. There is
light at the end of the tunnel so just hang in there. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

thankyou all.. Rhonda please read...
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Thu Feb 7 04:35:44 2002 (#933)

thankyou all.
I will be ok, it is just a little depressing, it is akward to take the tablets too, I have eating dissorders and find it literally impossible to eat alot of the time, and of course you are supposed to eat before taking the tablets, they make me dizzy and blur my vision.. Rhonda, is that right??
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: thankyou all.. Rhonda please read...
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Feb 8 03:27:17 2002 (#943)

Hi Crims,
Tasha didn't have to eat to take her Ritalin. Of
course she would take her pills at breakfast,
before lunch at school and right before bedtime.
If the pills are messing with your vision, maybe
you should tell the doctor. They might need to adjust your dosage levels. Let me know how it goes
honey. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Never coming back...
Posted by Alana on Wed Feb 6 05:34:51 2002 (#922)

I can't be me much longer. Don't take this post as "self-pity" from my side, its not even close to that. I don't need pity, especially from myself. All I need is to say the things on my mind, and to expose my hidden emotions. I've literally been feeling claustrophobic in my home, (home's aren't suppose to prevent you from breathing right? It's not a home)stuck in my skin. If there was anyway I could make it on my own without this "home" I'd for sure try it out. But I can't, there's no hope. I suffer here, I die here. Nobody sees what HE does to me. Nobody hears what HE says about me. Nobody believes HE is who I say HE is. HE is everything I'm afraid of in this life. I'm scared he's always going to be there, like a scab on me arse...when I die will he be there with me for eternity? I hope to hell he's not. He's the one who has pushed me down this path of hating who I am. I hear what he says about me, its all true - no matter how hard I try I will always be a "cold screwed up little bitch with no emotions and who will never be able to forgive anyone she comes across in her pathetic life" - thanks daddy, I fuckin love you too.

If I had a gun I'd stick it in my mouth and pull the trigger. Complete Bliss.

Forgiveness - hmm, touchy subject. So I've been told that the rash I've had for the past year is caused through my unforgiving soul. Fuck my soul. My soul died a year ago today. ONe fuckin year ago today I was told by the person I loved most in the world that he would kill himself if he was ever with me. I died that night, and nobody even noticed or cared enough to revive me. I will never hate him for what he did to me, but I will never respect him either. I was somebody different 366 days ago, I was ok. I loved myself then, deep down I really did, and it felt so great to be wanted by somebody. Really wanted. Now, I'm just garbage, he was right to throw me away, cuz thats what you do with garbage. He doesn't even care about me anymore, not in the least. He doesn't give a shit what happens to me. He said he always would, he lied to me....do I blame him? No. Look at me. For fucks sake look at what I do to the people around me. My dad HATES me. He wishes I never existed, I'm reminded of that everyday. My cousin obviously thought I was worthless enough to be his sex toy. I disappoint my mom alot, I can't look her in the eye anymore. My sister things I'm fucked up because I carve my arms. My friends...they don't know me, cuz if they did they wouldn't be friends with me.

I can't show who I really am cuz I'm just setting myself up for failure. I've failed too much in life, I can't take it. I can't take not being prefect. Everybody expects me to do so many great things with my life - well they use to, but I can't do it... I'm quickly burning out.

I can't bare to undress and dress unless its pitch black in my room. Any exposure of myself completely vulnerable to be attacked I avoid. Attack from myself. If I can't see it, then maybe my mind will stop screaming at me about how ugly I am. I KNOW I AM, LEAVE ME ALONE FOR JUST A MINUTE PLEASE. I need a minute.

I'm being completely honest when I say that I'm alone in every possible way. I can't let anyone in, nor do they want to anyways. I'm scared of being alone forever, but even more frightened at the thought of not being alone. I will drive them away, just like a year ago.

If I am comforted by the fact that I have hundreds of visible scars. that I can see them when I look in the mirror. that I can touch and know they are there...then i am ill? because that is wrong? because everything is black and white..good or bad...where is the grey area...maybe this isn't so wrong.

"God is empty, just like me"

Goodbye all, thanks for the loving words. It was a relieving feeling to know this site was here when I was here...but I'm not here anymore.

For the last time, Alana

Re: Never coming back...
Posted by jue on Wed Feb 6 07:33:55 2002 (#924)

Alana....
i really really hope you are okay. i just want you to know that you are cared for. and loved and would be missed. PLEASE don't give up. PLEASE be okay. i am sorry for all the shit, hon. i know this world is fucked up. i am sorry. i wish i could make it better. i really hope you are okay.
love
julie

Re: Never coming back...
Posted by kae on Wed Feb 6 10:36:25 2002 (#925)

Alana, I don't know you as well as everyone else on this board...but I know you as a wonderful person. You have an amazing talent for writing, and thats definitely something. YOU ARE NOT NOTHING. Nobody is nothing.
Your home life is incredibly cruel, nobody should have to put up with that. Surely there must be another escape, besides suicide? You're about 17, right? Could you leave home, live with a friend or another relative, or even by yourself? I think the only way you will feel better is if you get out of that situation...sensibley. There must be something!!
Please Alana...you've been on this board for so long, and you've fought through life this far, why stop now? Life's a bitch...but its made that way to test us. Please think it through...you are talented and special, and there are so many people who care about you. I can't do much, being way out here in New Zealand, but maybe you could meet up with someone from this board??

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: Never coming back...
Posted by KAT on Wed Feb 6 23:41:22 2002 (#929)

Alana if you read this, please understand that I mean every word I say and that my pity is not what Im trying to push on to you.
I'm sorry for that has happened and is going on with you, it sounds so painful, close to what my life is like. MY FATHER seems to me the same way..he doesn't give a flying fuck what I do. He's called me every name in the book and then some, and it hurts more then anything when someone your supposed to love that much completely shits in your face and makes you eat it! you know what I mean?! It hurts more then ever..more then any kind of cut or burn will cause.
The best thing I can say is that I know how you are feeling, I was in that same spot last July.
I can't even begin to explain to people how fucked I was. The burden is still carried over my head, but its' gotten better and I honestly hope things for you get better. You know some days its good some days its bad, and you've got to get over the bad, no matter how long it goes on because there will always be a good day waiting. I promise.
I'm sorry that you feel that you can't ever come back, I hate to see someone so hurt like you and knowing your weaknesses and giving into them.
It just really sucks.
Please take care and try the best you can in your own way to stay safe from temptation, and from yourself.
I love you much!!!!
*hugs*
love always -KAT

I listen to Sublime a lot..Bradley Nowell (R.I.P.) once said in a song..
"One day I'm gonna loose the war.."

he lost the war...plese don't give up with the battle inside your head.
I haven't and I believe you can go on, just not feeling the way you do.

Re: Never coming back...
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Feb 8 03:30:38 2002 (#944)

Alana,
I know I can't stop you from leaving if you want too, but if you do decide to go, just know that I
will be thinking about you and I hope you are
okay. You are cared about here and maybe in the
future you will return. Take care of yourself honey.
Love, Rhonda

Great way that helps
Posted by KAT on Thu Feb 7 01:45:09 2002 (#930)

Lately I have been writing poems about me and about my anger that help me get out all the shit I'm feeling. It helps so good for me, I don't know how it will effect you all but it's worth a try.
heres the poem I wrote today:

I want so bad to be who I was long ago,
I hate what I've become, for all I've done I have nothing to show.
So I continue to fight this battle in my head, it'll take over till one day I'm dead.
I tried to fight it, but it's to late for me, everything I was , and all the things I won't ever be.
My blood runs out like the childhood crying from my past. One more day of sadness and one more day of pain, I know in my heart this life won't last.
I feel for my parents, there's nothing they can do, I'll miss them terribly, one last time to say " I love you."
So I sit here and ponder my last days of existence on Earth, in 15 days it will be the anniversary of the day of my birth. In 15 days I will begin the first day of my life after death, on that day I will breath my very last breath.
Only I know what my fate will be, I decided long ago I wanted to be free.
I just can't go on living this way, my heart bleeds more every single day.
My 17th year, my very first sight, that's when I'll cease to continue to fight.
My very last breath then the sweet taste of death.
I promise to watch you all from above, I'm sorry to everyone I left on Earth that I love.
******, ****, mom and dad, I ask of you one last thing, please don't stay sad.
Understand that this is not because of you, it's my only way to get out of this hell I live through.To all I know, do not take the blame, to die so young is not a shame.
Please let me go, it's for the best, forever may in peace I rest.
Now I shall leave this last dying way, know that I'll love you even after my last day.
-JKP(KAT)

thats all there is in my poem. To someone who reads it , it would seem like I am going to kill myself, and it does have significance to me, although by writing out these feelings of hurt and wanting to die I feel like I can take myself physically away from the act itself.
take care y'all
love KAT

Re: Great way that helps sometimes
Posted by charlie_brown_2002 on Thu Feb 7 05:14:33 2002 (#934)

well, i used to write poetry to help myself, and i still do sometimes, but sometimes, when u do write really good poetry that u wanna share with others, sometimes reading it again, will bring back those terrible feelings u once had. i hope it doesn't u, but i know it does me... and thats even worse, b/c it's like u never really delt with it, and it seems so much worse. i hope u get better, and i hope u don't try what i did 4 times... im 18, and at least if u do feel liike dying, at least wait until u r 18, so then u will get a different perspective on life, as an adult, and ppl wont be treating u like a kid anymore... hope ya get better again, cb

Re: Great way that helps sometimes
Posted by jue on Thu Feb 7 09:35:39 2002 (#935)

KAT...
hon...i am glad that you have poetry as a release. it is really powerful (your poem) i liked the part where it says about wanting to go back to who you used to be...that is something i used to wish all the time...for my life back...one day i woke up and realized that this is my life. it scared the shit out of me but it also gave me a starting point to acceptance and healing...so i guess the struggle continues.
thanks...
love and hugs
take care...
julie

Re: Great way that helps sometimes
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 8 01:02:07 2002 (#941)

well the wierd thing is that when I feel like writing about dying and my own death, it makes me feel inside like I don't want to do it anymore. Your right about how it sometimes can make you remember all those terrible things that happened long ago when you read an old poem. But I can just look at the scars on my body and it has the same effect, but I understand what you are saying.
I'll be 18 next year, I'm pretty sure you're right..I will have a different perspective on life.. and If I don't..I suppose I'll wait till another later date.
anyways thanks for responding, I appreciated it greatly!!
take care
love KAT

Re: Great way that helps
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Feb 8 03:32:51 2002 (#945)

I just can't believe how talented you guys are.
There has to be some way to get all of the poems
you and everyone write published. I'll check into
it. In the meantime, keep writing. I hope it helps
in giving you the peace you need in your life.
Take care of yourself KAT.
Love, Rhonda

ramblings....
Posted by LOST on Thu Feb 7 02:11:50 2002 (#931)

these are just pointless ramblings of whats on my mind right now....

Is there really a point to all of this? wake up in the morning at 7am.... get in the shower, feed the cats, iron, put on make up..... drive a half hour to work... sit there for 4 hours doing pointless busy-work.... try to find something to do after work... nothing to do... go home... worry about whether my house has been broken into while i was at work... no tv... sit on my bed... read.... try to find someone to call... no one to call.... read.... go to sleep at 6:30 at night.... wake up periodically to make sure that the noises are the cats playing and not someone breaking in... 13 hrs of sleep a night... live in fear at home... sleep with a knife under my pillow... nightmares... not enough money to eat, but enough $ to smoke, drink and do drugs.... no life... boring, pointless, waste of human.

i guess to a lot of ppl this would sound better than their situation.... but its like i went through SO MUCH horrible times and abuse and neglect and everything else... i thought it would be different once i moved away from it all... it still plagues my mind and heart. i sleep for 13 hrs a night and it is almost unbearable to wake up in the morning. i used to sleep for 27-30 hrs straight... wake up to eat and pee and then sleep for another 27-30 hrs.... and i'd probably still do it if i didn't have to support myself. this mask of happiness that i wear is pitiful and disgusting. i'm a fucking drug addict! yeah, so i've been clean of speed and coke for almost 2 months.... but in those 2 months i've taken adivan, darvocet, vikiden or valum (can't spell) every single day... AND along with those i usually drink and smoke weed. every now and then i throw some shrooms in there. i can't fuckn survive in reality... its a piece of fuckn shit. but i have nothing to complain about because on the outside, my life is great... its these demons inside that are haunting me. i'm still the little girl locked in the closet curled up in a ball in the corner behind the clothes and on top of the high heel shoes crying. oh well....

Re: ramblings....
Posted by jue on Thu Feb 7 09:42:34 2002 (#936)

hon...i'm sorry...
i wish i could help...i guess it is the struggle to find meaning in our lives. ahh...the demons they are there in me and haunt me while i try to keep them locked up so no one can see...but i know how hard it is....i wish i could make it better...maybe just maybe we will find a way to grow a little stronger than the demons.
take care
love and hugs...
julie

on the bus
Posted by cindy on Fri Feb 8 00:12:03 2002 (#938)

I was on the bus this morning going to school-for some reason it was really busy and people just kept piling on and on... it was hot and cramped and awful so much so that I had some sort of panic attack-I hyperventilated and was just randomly sobbing my eyes out-but here's the good bit-with all those people on the bus not one person cared-barely even noticed. so now I feel worthless... even such an obvious display of suffering in public and no-one pays any attention... that sucks. cindy xox

Re: on the bus
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Fri Feb 8 00:55:11 2002 (#939)

awww sweetheart,
I guess if you were crying, people may have thought that you were just upset, if they were people that you didn't know then its not really their business to question why you are crying, but if you knew anyone on that bus, then yeah... thats not nice at all..
I hope your alright.
Take care
Love Roses and Empathy
...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ...

Re: on the bus
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 8 00:57:44 2002 (#940)

I don't think you're worthless..it has been my expierence that when people are around you and you all of the sudden start crying, if they don't know you, or even that well they will most always keep their mouth shut. Maybe not to upset you more, or maybe even to just leave you in your own sorrow. Im sorry it sucked.
hope ya ever some better days
love KAT

Re: on the bus
Posted by jue on Fri Feb 8 08:43:23 2002 (#948)

hon...i am sorry.
from my experience people generally have no idea how to handle emotion...i am not making excuses for them but basically saying that people suck when it comes to emotional stuff.
sorry you had to go through that hon.
hugs
take care
julie

How do you tell someone..
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 8 02:37:30 2002 (#942)

I feel kind of bad inside,but this has gone on to long. I have been friends with the same person for about 6-7 years now and me and this person have been through hell and back together and seperatly. This summer we had a fall out and didn't speak for about 3 months, she came back to me wanting to be friends, and I also wanted to . But I can't hold this inside of me anymore, I hate her guts..I don't know why I feel the way I do but when I'm around her I just want to shoot myself, or her. I know it sounds horrible..
how do I tell this person that I hate her and the sight of her makes me ill?
I don't mean to sound like a stuck up bitch about this or anything, Im seriously wondering how I tell someone whos broken my heart so many times that I just can't go on seeing them day in and day out.It tears me up inside these mixed emotions i have..
Can someone please give me ANY advice as to what to do.
:(
-kat

Re: How do you tell someone..
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Feb 8 03:38:56 2002 (#946)

The best way is to be honest. It will hurt her,
but if you can't stand her, what good is it doing you or her? Just try to be, well, not real mean
about it. Something like, I can't be friends with
you right now because of all the hurts in the past. I just can't get past that. This may sound corny, but I would rather know the truth than to
have to pretend. YOu can take this advice if you
want to, but remember, I'm 41 not a teenager, so
I don't think like one. I'm gonna go. This is not
even making sense to me. I have a bad headache and
need to go take some pain medication. Just do what
you feel is the best thing for YOU, KAT. I hope
this helps you somewhat. Take care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

Re: How do you tell someone..
Posted by jue on Fri Feb 8 08:49:29 2002 (#949)

yikes...i don't know...
i would say be honest but not too honest...like say that she has hurt you and maybe you need to spend time away from each other (as in forever..but i wouldn't say that) maybe say you need to figure some things out and that you don't mesh with her anymore that your ideas are too different about issues that are important to you....i don't know...i wouldn't recommend telling her that you hate her guts though.
hugs
take care
i hope it goes okay
julie

Exploited
Posted by Maggie on Fri Feb 8 05:12:54 2002 (#947)

Hi guys,
Some of you may know that I've been on a working holiday in the USA over the last three months (I'm actually from New Zealand). Anyway, I finally got myself a job here in San Diego which had been difficult due to the bad job climate. So now I'm working as a cashier in a sandwich deli and the other staff are complete psychos. I get no breaks for a 6 hour shift, I don't get to keep my tips (they go to the chef) and I'm only allowed ONE fountain soda per day and HALF a sandwich at the end of my shift. I'm not too bothered about that part...but when I was leaving today and I put my paper cup in the bin, I was told to take the cup out of the RUBBISH BIN, wash it, and use the same one for the rest of the week! It's a f**kin PAPER cup...not like it's significant amongst the 500 others in the storeroom. Wouldn't hurt if I could start tommorrow with a fresh paper cup for the rest of the week, rather than washing food scraps off the sides of it!!! And I was also told today that I'm no longer allowed my half-sandwich free...yet they force me to work an extra 15 minutes UNPAID at the end of all my shifts while they make my sandwich. Thank goodness I only have to humour them another 2 weeks and then I'll stamp on a whole pile of their paper cups and let them cry over them!

Is it just me or is there something freakish about those people?

Re: Exploited
Posted by jue on Fri Feb 8 08:52:40 2002 (#950)

whoa....psycho people definitely
that just ain't cool...they seriously can NOT treat you like that legally. they could get in some serious shit for that....leave as quickly as you can..hon.
take care
hugs
julie

Re: Exploited
Posted by Linda on Fri Feb 8 14:47:54 2002 (#953)

Oh Maggie!! That is NOT a good job! It's those kind of people that give us a bad name. There are plenty of other people in this country that would give you a job and treat you like a human being. QUIT!!!

The Dead Father
Posted by jue on Fri Feb 8 09:03:50 2002 (#951)

here is an excerpt from a book that blew my socks off and sent chills down my spine:)
it is pretty cool though.
it is from The Dead Father by Donald Barthelme

"But have you noticed the slight curl at the end of SamII's mouth when he looks at you? It means that he didn't want you to name him SamII, for one thing, and for two other things it means that he has a sawed-off in his left pant leg, and a baling hook in his right pant leg, and is ready to kill you with either of them given the oppurtunity. The father is taken aback. What he usually says, in such a confrontation, is "I changed your diapers for you, little snot." This is not the right thing to say. First it is not true ( mothers change nine diapers out of ten), second it instantly reminds SamII of what he is mad about. He is mad about being small when you were big, but no, that's not it, he is mad about being helpless when you were powerful, but no, not that either, he is mad about being contingent when you were necessary, not quite it, he is insane because when he loved you, you didn't notice."

let me know what you think.

Re: The Dead Father
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 8 23:19:22 2002 (#955)

I think it makes sence to a certain extent. Reminds me actually something my mother would do to me..how the father treated the son.
This is odd because My name is rooted also from my fathers name and Over the years, how much I love him so..Theres always an emptiness and hatred I have towards him for some reason.
thanks for posting that
love ya
-KAT

"oh god, look at your scars..."
Posted by kae on Fri Feb 8 11:02:48 2002 (#952)

The school counsellor called me over for a "brief chat" today. Seemed innocent enough...I went along, and she talked about school, stress, university, etc. Then she got onto how I was coping after the big Situation last year with my friend and the bastard who wouldn't admit rape...which led to "How is your cutting?"
I told her it was okay, that I'd gone a whole four weeks without cutting properly, but school had started to trigger it again. She says, "You've got a few nasty scars there...lets have a look?" It was a warm day and I wasn't wearing my jersy. (stupid stupid stupid). She gets up and takes each arm. "Oh god...I've never really seen your arms...I didn't realise they were so deep...(touching each one)...god, girl...these are nasty....I supposed these ones here are recent?...god..." She sits down. "Those are really bad scars, Katie."
For the rest of the session, she asks me tonnes of questions about why I do it...how does it work for me...why do I have to keep doing it if it works...how do feel afterwards...what will I look like in five years time if I don't stop...
The part that really cracks me up is when she says "But why does it work so well for you?" I say "It keeps me sane." She says "Do you really think that cutting yourself is a sane thing to do?"
She tells me that she needs to ask all these questions because she doesn't know a lot about self injury...she wants to learn about my motives, stuff like that.
All the while, the questions are based around "How the HELL can you DO something like that???" She doesn't really understand it at all...she is somewhat confused by my justification for it. This is a only small rural high school, and she tells me shes only ever encountered one other cutter here.
She tells me to come see her whenever I want. I know that she doesn't think she can help me.

She's the first adult that I've talked to about it....probably the last. I guess its good to have her opinion...

oh well.

kae

Re: "oh god, look at your scars..."
Posted by KAT on Fri Feb 8 23:30:54 2002 (#956)

Hi there Kae...honey, it's good to let people who will listen know what's going on with you. It's apparent that when people are confronted with things they don't understand they usually tend to come across with an attitude of fear, anger, or disgust. Especially when it's cutting, I guess thats why some people want to get more educated on it, and some just turn their back on you because it's to much for them. Your counselor sounds like a good lady, ut she can't quite grasp the concept of why you do what you do, which is understandable I guess. I mean out of all the hundreds and maybe even thousands of self injerurs around the world, "regular" people probably dont come across someone who cuts in their life. You know..I know how you mean about the scars. People are horrified of terrible scars, especially when they know they've been self inflicted. My first visit to the hospital the other kids were scared of my scars and wanted to touch them and see them, kinda like your counselor did. When my mom saw for the first time she broke down and cried..I guess her way of dealing.
Just know that you're not alone, Im sure you know that though.Keep telling this person that you trust what is up with you, it could be really good..especially if your relationship is based on honesty.
Take care..
love you
-KAT

Re: "oh god, look at your scars..."
Posted by Linda on Sat Feb 9 05:41:33 2002 (#959)

Well, Kae, I think you have just experienced the acts of someone who really cares. Why do you question her motives? Why do you feel she has no way to help you? If I were you, I would give her a chance.
I know I have asked you all so many questions and still I fail to understand so much BUT I do feel I have a grasp of the "whys" of self-injury. I think you feel "it" is your friend.........but look what "it" is doing to you. Please accept this lady's help. She may be just curious BUT she could just turn her back and refuse to get involved because it is more than she cares to spend her time with. Feel very privileged that someone took the time to question you that much. ((((((((((()))))))))))))

kae
Posted by Erin on Fri Feb 8 23:11:12 2002 (#954)

i wanted to read your post but I was blocked :( I'm guessing someone said that to you about your scars. thats happened to me too. Isnt it annoying?

Re: kae
Posted by kae on Sat Feb 9 05:50:30 2002 (#960)

that sux, what is up with this site and the way it randomly blocks people?
my post was just about my visit to the counsellor and what she said and did...will the site let you view it eventually?
if you want to see it, i could always email it to you :)

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: kae
Posted by Erin on Mon Feb 11 02:38:52 2002 (#990)

I dont know why it does that...I doubt it'll let me see it. I kept clicking on the one post that rhonda replied back to me and I couldnt read it. you can email it to me if you want

please pray
Posted by pink girl on Sat Feb 9 04:33:30 2002 (#958)

hi.
firstly im sorry for ppl who are readin this and are not christians, but i just really need prayer at the moment.
i am struggling so much with life and really having trouble keeping it all together. i just dont know where my faith in God has gone (i do beleive but i just dont know...
i was talking to a friend tonight who used to self harm, and she has stopped. but she sed she didnt know how she did.
i know that if i wanted to, i could just stop. but i mustnt want to stop cutting and start eating, i just need to control that part of my life i guess. as the rest of my life is so not under control.
all i can think of at the moment is words that i want to carve on my thighs
i just cant stop
im never going to be able to stop
whats the point in trying. im fed up and tired of trying
sorry
but yeah, please pray for me. i need all the help i can get.
sorry if this hasnt made sense

Re: please pray
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 9 06:27:44 2002 (#961)

I will pray. I don't often pray..hardley ever but I will. I know what you mean..all I can ever think about is where and when and what am I gonna cut next. It's tough..but believe it or not, I do actually think these feelings will stop..or fade, or maybe just disappear for a while but come back.
But either way..you've got to start from deep inside yourself to stop..you gotta get out all the anger hate sadness your feeling and just deal with it.
WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING HARD!! I know
It takes years..Ive heard.
But it sure is do-able..so keep in there, and take care
things can work out, I promise..
just keep workin at it
love you
-KAT
:)

Re: please pray
Posted by Nuni on Sat Feb 9 08:17:25 2002 (#962)

You got it sister!!
nuni

whats going on??
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Sat Feb 9 20:51:27 2002 (#963)

I feel like screaming,
My screams wont cry.
I don't know what I am anymore.
I have no purpose,
I have no regrets.
My exsistance is denial.
I live to love,
Wish I loved to live,
Romance is so confusing.
Confusion is hate,
Hate is depression.
Depression always lurking.
Life is eternal
Until you die,
Death is reality - a clueless lie.
Lies are untrue,
Or so it seems,
My deepest secrets,
Lie within my dreams.

Had to let that out, thought poetry was the best way.
Love Roses and Empathy
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: whats going on??
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 9 23:24:30 2002 (#964)

that was wonderful! I mean it..
hope you're doing ok.
love ya
-KAT

Re: whats going on??
Posted by Linda on Sun Feb 10 03:37:06 2002 (#965)

I feel like shouting,
My spirit is filled with joy,
I know I am a child of the living God,
My purpose is His,
I have no regrets,
My existence is worthwhile,
I love to live,
I’m glad I am His,
His love surpasses all,
He is always faithful,
True and kind,
Life is eternal,
Even after you die,
Death is reality-real life begins on high,
His word is true,
My faith in Him is firm,
My deepest desires,
Are yet to be seen.

Emz, I just had to write that. Of course it doesn’t rhyme but I was just copying your
poem and applying it to my day.....hope you didn’t mind. I spent today going door to
door to find little children that are struggling in the world you were speaking of in your
poem.....I want to give them hope before it is too late. In the morning we will get on a
church bus and pick those up that will reach out to grasp at a little hope. All that we do is
just for those little ones who are grasping the edge of despair and give them a hand up.
I was really touched today as the gentleman who heads up the bus ministry at our church
testified about how many years ago he visited in a mobile home and found three little
boys 9,7, & 5. The parents were alcoholics. They allowed the little ones to ride the
bus....of course they used it as a free baby sitting, but that’s ok. The little guys all
accepted the Lord as their Savior. They rode faithfully for many years. One Sunday, the
bus pulled up and the captain went to the door to be met by the little guys. They were not
ready for church and they told him that their parents were not well. He went in to find the
parents passed out in the middle of the floor, naked. He helped the little ones get some
dirty clothes on and took them on the bus, the parents were none the wiser. He took them
and bought them some shoes and a change of clean clothes the next week. The parents
eventually moved and lost touch with the bus captain. Five years later, the bus captain
got a call from a tearful dad who had been involved in a car accident which killed the
youngest child. He had no one else to turn to but this man. At lease he could assure him
that this child had accepted Christ as His Savior. I’ll tell you it will be worth it all when
we see Jesus!!
I say all this only to say that there is hope, there are people who care and there IS an
answer to it all!!! Reach out for it!!!!

Linda.. and anyone else who wants to read...
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Sun Feb 10 04:16:24 2002 (#966)

Linda,
Thankyou so much for your post, I appreciate it alot.
I used to be a praticing Christian, when I was younger, but I was never really into the faith.
Im sorry to say that now I don't believe in the Christian faith at all, I dont really know why, I guess I have just had so much shit in my life, seen so much suffering in the world.. that I dont see how there can be a God? Surely, he would help these people.
I dont know Linda, I guess I've just given up hope on everything, life being the main thing, I can't be bothered to do anything, everything that I can be bothered to do, I feel is pointless, Im lacked in motivation completely, just a basic no-hoper. *sigh*
Anyway, I dont know.. argh Emz stop saying that, I dont know I dont know... I dont know anything anymore, I am confused with life, I am confused with love, I am sick of being nagged at, sick of having to depend on tablets to life me up.
As soon as I get off one lot of tablets, Im told I have something else and shoved on aload more.
It is really depressing, I dont want to live my so called life, depending on drugs just to feel "normal", it seems ridiculous.
Im ranting arent I, sorry.
I have gone completely off subject here *sigh*
Going to drown my sorrows some more now,
Thank you all, I love you all.
Love Roses and Empathy.
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: Linda.. and anyone else who wants to read...
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 05:08:48 2002 (#969)

Hey there..I hear ya on that drug thing. I am in two difficult situations which Ive both put myself into.
One is the medication..I HATE TO take it just to get up to the level of somewhat sad yet normal standard and able to function in school, work, home, wherever I am or go. and I kind of wonder what life would be like..just the way I am..no medications to change how I truly feel.
although Its been explained to me that medication is just a helping hand, I sometimes dont want it.
And the other situation..I do drugs..I try and stop, lately Ive been going to meetings all the time. I havent been doing drugs like I used to..but when I mix the medications and the drugs that I am using..it's a bad combination.
sorry im WAAAAAY off subject here.hehe..
anyways..dear
dont give up on life, even if it seems that life has given up on you!
love you
-KAT

Re: Linda.. and anyone else who wants to read...
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs... on Sun Feb 10 05:58:22 2002 (#974)

yeh medication sucks I hate it

Re: Linda.. and anyone else who wants to read...
Posted by Linda on Sun Feb 10 06:04:58 2002 (#975)

((((((((Emz)))))))) I empathize with all you are saying. I have heard enough and seen enough to know that you are speaking truth as you know it. I know that this life is the pits sometimes.
I'm so sorry that you lost your faith.....do you know where you lost it????;) Then go back and pick it up again. God certainly hasn't left.
Another thing that I know you all bring up so much is why God would allow so much bad in this world.......Because He loves us!! (can that be???) Of course....He allows us to have choices but there are always consequences to choices, good and bad. You CAN make a choice for good. Oh I know that you are so strangled by past bad choices but give it all to Jesus.....that's the way He wants you....Just as you are!!! You can not clean yourself up....we must let go of the pride that makes us feel that we could possible meet God on any terms at all other than complete submission. The difference begins at that point. When we give it all to Him....agreeing with Him about our own sinful condition, then we release Him to live within us and give us the power we need to overcome. I know it seems impossible but don't listen the the lies your mind tells you. I love this verse"For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things." I John 3:20
I still stand on the only hope that will give anyone lasting peace and joy!! Love to you!

Oh shit...
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 04:44:11 2002 (#967)

Terrible day.
I hate my friends..I shouldnt even call them her/ all of them friends. They arent. They are people who corrupt my life and cause me to think horrible thoughts.
I cut..cut alot
cut from wrist to shoulder over and over..I cried, yelled..all of that and I felt even worse then I did before I started.
Good thing no one was home..it was a bloody mess.and I was close to ending my life.
I went to a meeting..calmed down, and talked with some people who were in the same "addiction" boat as me.
What am I to do about my arm?
I am going to have to wear a long sleeve for at least 3 weeks maybe more just so that I can go out in public and not be noticed..but my parents.
These people I am living with..they've been known to check my arms while I am sleeping..god this shit is rediculous. I feel so babyish cutting myself and then trying to make it all better.
I've got practically a whole box of baindaids covering my entire fucking arm!
what am I to do!
please someone tell me because I obviously cant tell myself..

My stupid indecisive, jealous, drug addict, depressed, ugly, self.

-KAT

Re: Oh shit...
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Sun Feb 10 04:58:04 2002 (#968)

Awwww Kat!! (((((((Hug))))))
Im so so sorry, I really dont know what to say, but I had to respond to your post, I hope you are feeling a little better now honey, I am thinking about you darling, please take care, no one here wants to see you hurt.
please honey,
Take care...
Thinking of you.
Love Roses and Empathy.
CriMsOn*TeARs

Re: Crimson..
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 05:10:05 2002 (#970)

thanks for the kind words.
They help me feel more I dunno this might sound wierd, but more safe..with myself and with you all reading my deepest shit and comforting me.
thank you
love you
-KAT

Re: Crimson..
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs... on Sun Feb 10 05:35:30 2002 (#971)

Kat
seems like we are the only people alive on the board tonight.
how are you feeling now? hope you are ok, glad my post helped you a little.
take care.
Love Roses and Empathy
...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs...

Re: well
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 05:39:35 2002 (#972)

I'm feeling better..but I know this thing that Im dealing with will go on for a while..so anyways..I hope your fellin good as well.
Take care dear
love ya
-KAT

Re: well
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs... on Sun Feb 10 05:49:18 2002 (#973)

ok sweetheart,
keep strong.
Love you loads.
Love roses and empathy.
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: well
Posted by Linda on Sun Feb 10 06:14:59 2002 (#976)

You guys are not alone tonight!! I'm here for a little while. Kat, I know I say that I pray for you all and it can be said many times by people that use it as a trite statement. I want you all to know that I mean it when I say it so...........
Oh Lord, I come humbly before you tonight, I have no reason to stand before you other than the fact that you have provided a sacrifice for my sins. It is your righteousness that covers my filthy heart and gives me worth. You have taught us to be importunate in our prayers and I want to once again bring before you another friend who is in deep despair. You know her heart and you know the depths of her despair. I ask that she be able to rest and trust in you tonight to give her wisdom for tomorrow. Give her a clear mind and a sweet spirit and the hope she needs to face herself and her problems. Thank you for your love for us. In Jesus name, Amen.
Please feel better!!!

Re: well
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs... on Sun Feb 10 06:20:51 2002 (#977)

Linda that was beautiful

Re: well
Posted by Linda on Sun Feb 10 06:35:53 2002 (#978)

(((((((Emz))))))) Thanks kiddo!! You girls have a better night. I have an early morning tomorrow. Will be praying!

Re: well
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs... on Sun Feb 10 06:40:02 2002 (#979)

Thanks Linda ((((((HUG!!))))))
You are a truely wonderful person, thankyou for taking up your time on us, it means alot to me, to know that there is someone out there, even if you don't know them, just someone out there that knows what you are going through, and is thinking of you with kind, loving thoughts.
It is a wonderful feeling.
Thankyou Linda
Love Roses and Empathy...
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: well
Posted by KAT on Sun Feb 10 07:28:34 2002 (#980)

yes ..Thank you from my heart.
:)
It means alot that you guys care..right now i really feel as though I have not a soul in the world, but you all, to tell what Im really thinking.

check out this link
Posted by jue on Sun Feb 10 10:09:07 2002 (#981)

this is what i think is very valuable info for someone who is suicidal to any degree.
click on the bottom link

Re: check out this link
Posted by pink girl on Sun Feb 10 21:21:37 2002 (#988)

just wanted to thank you for posting that. i have been thinking about it a lot lately, so it was helpful to read it, and have bookmarked it for future refernce, although hopefully i wont need it!
lol