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uh...
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 22 05:03:08 2002 (#715)

i think my sister might be reading my messages here...that makes me sort of disappointed....well anyway...i always lie to her but she found out that i was cutting again....and kind of got mad at me and says that we can't continue our friendship with all this lying. i know it's true... i just don't know, i want this pain to go away...i was doing okay..but i just feel so down again...everyone is talking about me...how i'm doing and i hate it when people start being super nice and all...i know they mean well i just feel like a pity case...i sometimes wish i had never ever told anyone about my cutting. my sister has nightmares about my scars...i hate this pain i am causing them. i just wish it would go away....i guess i just try again tomorrow.
hugs to everyone...i hope you all take care...
julie

Re: uh...
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 16:24:43 2002 (#718)

Julie I know how you feel. I felt soo terrible everytime I my mom visited me while I was "away" and she would see me and just cry and cry and say that I hurt her heart. The pain that that caused both of us Im sure is indescribable, just as how you are saying.
I also know what you mean by people being super nice to me, people still to his day treat me like a fucking baby.Like if I see someone I used to go to school with you know they'll come up to me and go "Hi how are you, how you doin, you ok now? you better?" you know like Im retarded and they have to talk slow for me to understand what theyre saying. Its very annoying yet I dont know how they feel, I'll never beintheir shoes and I won't know how people react to things such as cutting because to me it isn't a big deal when I go and cut myself. Yet (if my mom knows) she''ll cry and cll my therapist and ask me like every 5 minutes if I need to put some medicine on it, Im like mom Im fine.
anyways Julie, sorry I kinda went off the subject there.
About your sister, shes right ..any kind of relationship is hard to be based on when theres lies involved, but sometimes the truth hurts more then any lie..well at least I think so.
I hope you can work things out with her because brothers and sisters are the best friends a person can have growing up.
Take care Julie and thanks for the supposrt *hugs*
love always KAT

Re: uh...
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 23 03:26:44 2002 (#726)

thanks KAT...a lot...
hugs...julie

songs
Posted by jes on Tue Jan 22 16:10:36 2002 (#717)

think this could be a lot of reading for you guys, sorry :-D

I'M GONNA FALL

This is a beginning
Although this is an end
I got a sight of heaven
And it's gone straight to my head
And the time is right for falling
This time I'm gonna fall
That's the price I must pay
For a taste of your sweet love
I'm gonna fall
This time I'll fall
Gonna fall

Something in your glances
Puts a spell on me
As the world fades all around
You're all that I can see
And the time is right for falling
This time I'm gonna fall
That's the price I must pay
For a taste of your sweet love
I'm gonna fall
This time I'll fall
Gonna fall

Feel it taking over
Gonna reach there soon
The warmth of skies at sunset
I want to linger in this glow
And the time is right for falling
This time I'm gonna fall
That's the price we both pay
For a taste of your sweet love
I'm gonna fall
This time I'll fall
Gonna fall

FORTUNE TELLER

There's too much information in my face
Don't know anybody, feel so out of place
I'm bored with this century, and I'm sick of it all
Here I am standing on the killing floor
Got a fever burning and I don't feel right
Yeah my head's rushing right out of my mind
Went to the doctor and he gave me pills
Yeah they numbed my pain but didn't cure my ills
What's in the future 'cos I can't see
Fortune teller got me down on my knees

Go and see the fortune teller
Will she tell me all she knows
Go and see the fortune teller baby
Find out how it goes

I found myself living in a concrete hell
Found myself thinking don't need no-one else
I'm feeling damaged yeah I feel deranged
i need something to counter-act the pain
Can't see the stars but could they give me a sign
Yeah I need to know now don't tell me no lies
I've been completely going out of my mind
I feel beat up just like Jesus Christ
What's in the future 'cos I can't see
Fortune teller got me down on my knees

Go and see the fortune teller
Will she tell me all she knows
Go and see the fortune teller baby
Find out how it goes

We all live beneath a dying sun
Used to believe in something, that's been shot to fuck
I'm bored with this century yeah I'm sick of it all
Here I am standing on the killing floor
What's in the future 'cos I can't see
Fortune teller got me down on my knees

Go and see the fortune teller
Will she tell me all she knows
Go and see the fortune teller baby
Find out how it goes
Yeah so when am I gonna get better
Will I find out in my time?
Go and see the fortune teller baby
Find out how it goes

NUMBSKULL

Shooting from the hip
Slipping from an iron grip
Going further than I've ever been
Into the realms of the unseen
Fate is your enemy
Rebel against your destiny
Going further than I've ever been
Yeah further than I've ever been

Got a beautiful face go a fucked up inside
Need a shot of your faith
Come along for the ride
Yeah love is your faith
Yeah death is your fate

Never going to reach my goal
I know 'cos I have been told
Never finding happiness
Eternally in unrest
This is where the love lies
I've seen to the other side
It's always been just out of reach
Yeah but always just within my sight

Got a beautiful face got a fucked up inside
Need a shot of your faith
Come along for the ride
Yeah love is your faith yeah death is your fate
Yeah death is your fate come along for the ride

Going further than I've ever been

Got a beautiful face got a fucked up inside
Need a shot fo your faith
Come along for the ride
Yeah love is your faith yeah death is your fate
Yeah death is your fate come along for the ride
Got a beautiful face got a fucked up inside
Need a shot fo your faith
Come along for the ride
Yeah love is your faith yeah death is your fate
Need a shot of your faith come along

ok, so that's enough for today, let me know what you think. xxx

Re: songs
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 23 03:25:02 2002 (#725)

the one about falling...it sort of struck me...see i don't let myself love. i am too scared of the fall...i won't let people love me...i think i am allergic to it...:) i liked them...i love music and the lyrics.
take care...julie
ps if you can get music off the net try getting I Believe- Chris Issak...i sometimes don't like his style but this is a really good song...

a little philosophical :)
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 23 03:43:41 2002 (#727)

i was riding the bus home and i started thinking of my life before i told people i was cutting and i started wishing for it back...
it just started thinking "i want my life back"...and then it hit me,"this is my life." that sort of made me really depressed...and then i realized that i am never going to get anywhere if i don't accept where i am today...no matter how fucked up/depressed/suicidal i am...it won't change unless i realize that this is my life and it is up to me to reach out and help myself
...i guess basically to make the best of the situation...damn sometimes it is hard though...

i also want to say that no matter what we have all been dealt (the way we have been treated, or what ever) the thing is that we all hurt for whatever reason and we are seemingly stuck in our situations...but maybe just maybe we can pull out the option that we never considered and try to change it the way we are living in any way...i don't know...i am just trying to say that i believe there is hope...i do believe...i really really do...and i hope that things will get better for us all....i think that i just hit a really low point yesterday...and today i am trying to find hope in something....
i love everybody and want the best from the bottom of my heary...and i want to hold you when you cry and be there...so just want to let everyone know...
take care julie

just a bit more philosophy...
Posted by cindy on Wed Jan 23 20:07:21 2002 (#731)

I got thinking today-it's kind of along the lines of what you were saying jue. Bertrand Russel formulated his logic theory of the 'Inductivist' Turkey' and it goes ike this: "a turkey gets fed one morning by its new owner at 0800, the next day the same thing happened he was fed at 0800. after a few days the turkey gets to thinking that every day he will be getting fed at 0800. so one morning a few monthes later it's 0800 hungry turkey is all in anticipation but unfortunately for him instead his owner killed him-you see the next day was xmas day" okay I know that's a bit sad, depressing or whatever. but what it's basically saying is just because the experience formed a routine does not mean it is a universe fact-according to Russel that it simply illogical. so then I got to thinking(finally getting to the point I promise!) just because I feel like shit today, I felt like shit yesterday and I can only perceive myself as feeling shit tomorrow that does not logically mean that I WILL feel shit tomorrow. it's a simple idea but it kind of made me happy....hope it works for someone else. take care. cindy xox

feeling claustrophobic, scarred
Posted by Alana on Wed Jan 23 04:38:14 2002 (#728)

All I have to say is that I completely despise my father's existance. I think he's a mean, miserable bastard, and he deserves to suffer to an extent. He brings nothing but pain to my heart and tears to my eyes...I'm so sorry I'm not good enough for him, I'm so sorry that I'm more like my beautiful mother than him. I'm so sorry if I don't like to associate with people who just rag on everything I do, I'm not good enough for him, and I've finally gotten the hint. He doesn't want me here, and I don't want to be here....I'll eventually leave and never fuckin talk to him again, and then he'll be sorry for pushing me away cuz he will be ALONE.

Bastard man, I hate him and what he has done to my family.

Alana

Re: feeling claustrophobic, scarred
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 23 14:24:38 2002 (#729)

Alana,
sounds exactly like my so called "father"..
He has been a complete bastard to me, since I was old enough to speak he's beaten me, accused me, made me feel like shit, etc: Men eh?.. I know how you feel darling, but things will get better, dont let him get to you, do you really want him to have that satisfaction?
I hope things work out hun,
(((((((HUG!!!))))))
Love Roses and Empathy...
CriMsOn*TeArS

both sides of the fence
Posted by jes on Wed Jan 23 15:47:21 2002 (#730)

i think i'm beginning to realise the way my friends have felt all of the times that they've known of me cutting. the hurt deep inside, being helpless, wanting to take the pain away, brought to tears at the thought of the skin of some one so close being broken because of a pain no-one else can see. i can see it all now, but not why they feel these thing about me in particular. i don't deserve he feelings.
there is one feeling though that i don't think theywill have to face. and that's guilt. my friend has cut before but even though any cutting is bad, it wasn't regular. but now i'm worried about her. i found out she'd been doing it again and at first i was just upset because of the actual act. but now i am soo overwhelmed with the thoughts that if it wasn't for me then maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't be happening.
i don't know how her sister can even talk to me with the thought that this pain is caused by me, and i know i've done some bad things before, but this is the worst. i've had these thoughts before, but when it didn't happen again, they'd fade. but now, other people know and it's trouble. i'm thinking that some of these times when i thought i was doing someting wrong, they were avoiding me or leaving me out, they actually were, it wasn't my imagination.
the past week or so i've been so hurt because of a couple of things, one in particular- a concert we'd discussed going to together, being gone to without me - i wasn't involved in that i would have been before. and yes, it still hurts, because i've been trying so hard, i really have, to be someone they'd want to g out with, someone they'd think of to invite. but in one way or another i manage to fuck things up. it always happens, my dad argued with one of his friends (ex fiance, WERE stil good friends) because of me. now this. people really would be better off without me. i know they would. i'm sure that you'r bored by now so i'll shut my cake hole and get on with it.
take care. xxxxxxxx

'We're giving up to the stars,
We're giving up to the moon,
We're giving it up to the earth,
Giving it up in our rooms.

Knowing there's nowhhere to go,
Knowing there's not much to lose,
So why does it take so long,
To find out who is who?'

Re: both sides of the fence
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 23 22:42:36 2002 (#733)

jes......
my best friend started cutting...i attribute it to me...i just don't think she would have if she didn't know that i did and that i said it worked...anyway...it sucks...i am sorry about your friends sometimes people are terrible...
take care...julie
hugs

Re: both sides of the fence
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:18:52 2002 (#736)

Jes, hunny..about your friend I dont think its your fault at all that she is cutting.
Do not blame yourself, she's obviously hurting enough inside so that she needs a way out and it just so happens her way out is also the same as yours I dont think you have any part of making someone cut, you know.
I hope things get better..it seems that when we are depressed and in a low point everything seems to be our fault, but in actuality it's not. Not everything happens bad because you're involved in it, or not involved in it for that matter.
Things happen because they happen and because we can't see the future, you just need to go along with what happens and make the best of it. I hope you can feel better and stop blaming yourself for so many things. Your just one person you cant take on that many things all by yourself hun.
take things one at a time and try and talk the things that are bothering you, for instance your friend..talk with her.
take care love always KAT

Re: both sides of the fence
Posted by jes on Thu Jan 24 17:43:04 2002 (#748)

i don't know. i know that she wouldn't have done it just because i do. i wouldn't have much sympathy for her if she did. i just can't help thinking that if it wasn't for me then the idea to do it wouldn't have been there, that subconsciously there was a connection.
and the thing about being left out, i didn't mean it to sound like they're useless friends or what. i just sometimes feel like i've been forgotten altgether (that's along with the paranoia and the fact that i have to be right about being avvoided at least some of the time)
ok, i'll shut it again. but thank-you for you relies.
take care xxx

Re: both sides of the fence
Posted by Star (amz ) on Fri Jan 25 14:35:24 2002 (#767)

well hello im one of the friends i guess so hear goes, this post hurt me i guess cause i have been needing somone and felt like yet again im not good enough for you etc, i feel alone i just found out something really scary about barry and also something really bad has happened about and ex of his and i dont know what to think/do about any of it, i thought you were too busy with your course and stuff so just stayed in the background i guess and i havent avoided you intentially and if i seemed to them i am really sorry i didnt mean to at all. The gig?? whats thisabout?INCUBUS? i didnt think you wanted to go you never mentioned it again and i guessed you wernt fussed, im sorry if i havent been listenin well im streessed i need time and space both of which i dont have in abundance so i get stressed, one for the books me and barry first official argument last night, it was horrible he scared me,i dont think he realised but he was shouting at me and his eyes reminded me of how jim used to look when he started and i got so scared and i was so pissed i didnt know what to say it was horrible hes hurting and imburying myself in the sand *gotta get away from here* IM SORRY im so sorry i havent been what you need in a friend i love you i cant say anything else.
sorry long fucked up rant
amz xxxxxxxxxxx

ps i alsomust never see Jez again i cant must not have to be in control and be the good lil grrl people expect fromme well apart from the ones eg lance who think i am a *SLAG* lovely huh!.

Re: both sides of the fence
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 26 13:54:04 2002 (#792)

hey, look, i'm sorry if it sounded like i was having a go at you, i'm not. I don't mean that you should be ,like, seeing me or foning me every single night. i know you have other things to do, and i don't expect to come before barry or anyone alse for tht matter, i was just saying that it sometimes feels like you've forgotten about me or that i'm just there when you don't have anything better to do. i'm there for you and i walways will be. and i know that you're there for me. and i do't know where this is going, so i'll shut up. oh, apart from - no, it was system of a down that i was talking about. that really hurt me becasue we'd talked about going to gether and getting tickets etc, then i found out that you'd already got yours....blah blah blah. i' hurting and all i can seem to do is make people think i'm pissed off and expecting the world. i'm not, please don't thik it, i love you. xxxxxx

Re: both sides of the fence
Posted by Star (amz ) on Tue Jan 29 12:01:05 2002 (#818)

Jo, i didnt get my system tickets, jez got tickets for me and him as my xmas pressie with my incubus ones i told u that, i didnt know he would be getting those for me, so how could i get tickets with u when i didnt know he was gettin them>?? and the reason emm mis coming with me instead is that i cant put myself theough an evening with him as i feel so confused and dont want to fuck up yet another realationship cause i have no self control, thats the real reason, and of course i still want u etrc ive had NO TIME at all, barry etc hes only seen me 2 times in the last 2 weeks cause he came to see me i cant do it all alone i need to feel wanted too you know.
Amz x

really bad weekend
Posted by Erin on Wed Jan 23 21:22:02 2002 (#732)

my weekend was horrible. our computer broke so I couldnt go online for like 4 days and we just got it back last nite. my mom found this note that I wrote to my bf in my room and I wrote about how I was upset at school because I was worried about my grades and scared about what she'd do if I got a d on my report card. (I know for sure I am anyways) and that my one teacher kept asking me what was wrong and I told her i was worried about my grades and that my mom puts too much pressure on me...well, she read that and she REALLY freaked out on me. I so damn close to killing myself. I wrote a note and everything but I just couldnt do it. it was weird though because I looked up and saw my bf's picture and I kept staring at it and crying and wanting to do it so bad but I didnt because of him. she convinced me that I'm selfish, self centered, fat, lazy and I cant do anything right and I'm just stupid. the thing that really got to me was that she thinks I got upset just for the fuckin attention. she thinks I'm acting mental just for the attention and I fail at everything for attention. I fucking hate that! god..I hate her so much. I wish she could see that I dont. I almost told her about my cutting but something inside me told me not to. It would just be a horrible mistake if I did. then she'd be freaking out on me even worse and then I know I'd kill myself. geez...I cant wait until I graduate and I'm on my own...living on my own...doing everything on my own. It just can't come fast enough for me. I remember reading this one quote... 'Good parents dont produce children that hurt themselves'... I dont think its true for all parents...because rhonda's daughter hurts herself and she isnt a bad mom at all. I wish rhonda was more like mine... but its true for a lot of them probably...especially mine. I'm so scared. we get report cards on friday and I know I have a D in english...I tried so hard to do good and I only did worse...that happened with everything else so I know I'm probably not on the honor roll anymore. *sighs*

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 23 22:47:38 2002 (#734)

erin...
i'm sorry...your mom shouldn't say things like that...they aren't true, they are one person's opinion... i think we should try not to let other people define who we are....but damn i know it is hard. try to be careful...maybe just maybe there is hope....
try to take care....hugs...julie

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 24 02:21:41 2002 (#742)

I don't know why we let people define who we are... I wish I could stop it. maybe one day we'll both find hope :) thanks for replying :)

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:25:11 2002 (#737)

Hye there, It sounds like you're mom is being really hard on you and she isn't really doing the things you'd like a mom to do, but then again she's just human herself and she is probably worried about you so much, her child. It might not seem like it sometimes, she might call you names because shes scared, shes scared that you might really hurt yourself permanently shes probably scared of alot of things for you, for your own good..and she puts out the fear as anger and criticizm towards you. just like you cut, its her way of dealing..you know. My mom is like that too her way of dealing was to beat me, but now that Im older I can look back and know that we all make mistakes and that we all deal with things in our own way..even though that way might be the totally wrong way.
Im soooo sorry you have had a bad weekend, Ive been in that same position you've said..so close to killing myself but didnt because of a certain reason or person. Now days I dont depend on anyone but myself, and I wouldnt kill myself because of me, Im the reason.
But it took a long time for me to get where I am, getting better isnt easy and we cant do it alone. Im sure if your mom knew a little bit more about whats actually going on with yiu, the hurting, the pressure, she might calm downa little and if not, its something you need to take care of, your precious, and you try aso hard to please your mother with your grades.
But grades arent everything, and you need to let your mom know that your grades might be falling b/c you feel to much pressure from her, maybe if she can help you with your school work, you will progress.
Take care D isnt so bad, it really isnt.
be safe
love always KAT

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 24 02:20:03 2002 (#741)

thanks kat. I know I shouldnt listen to her and everything but its hard. I tried to tell her that she puts too much pressure on me and that just made things worse..with her saying I dont know what pressure is and stuff like that..I dont know why she said that. sometimes I wonder if she thinks I'm 5 or 15. grades ARE everything. to her it is. and a D really is terrible. to my mom, thats failing and she really freaks out when I get one. I wish she could see that I dont do it on purpose to get attention and that I'm really trying hard

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 24 02:32:15 2002 (#743)

I'm sorry your mother is hard to get through to, having a parent like that is very difficult because I understand you're still young and you still have to go by what your parents say.
But you still have amind of your own and your perfectly capable of making your own decisions.
Take care and PS. I tried to sign your guest book on your website but I dont think it worked, I love your website. It's great, with Dyers eve on the front.I love MetallicA :)
cool SI links too..
take care hun and dont let your mothers anger and resentment for whatever it may be bring you down.
love KAT

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 24 21:10:14 2002 (#754)

Thanks kat :)

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jan 24 03:06:08 2002 (#744)

Good parents support their kids no matter what they do, they may not like the actions, but they
still love their kids. That is my belief. I'm so
sorry you're having problems with your mom. Believe me, if I could get all of ya'll's parents
together, I teach them a thing or two about how to
act and treat their own children. But since I can't, please know that I hope things get better for you. As for the grades, I know it's important
to you, but don't let it dominate your thoughts.
You are so much more than grades. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: really bad weekend
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 24 21:12:45 2002 (#755)

I wish my mom would support me. she thinks screaming and swearing at me helps. lol it doesnt really help.... oh well guess I just have to try to stay alive. (85 days of school left) I cant wait. I'm sick of having to deal with grades and homework and everything. I probably worry and think about them too much. I saw this quote yesterday that said "Worry is a waste of imagination" thats true I think.

hazeldon....
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 23 22:50:21 2002 (#735)

....okay this might be offensive and i don't think cutting is sin...but i just liked thinking that we are each beautiful....

Today's thought is:
The real sin against life is to destroy beauty, even one's
own—even more one's own, for that has been put in our
care, and we are responsible for its well-being.
--Katherine Anne Porter

A good way to start each day is by asking, "What can I do
to take care of myself today?" To ask and answer that
question is to affirm our belief that we're worth taking care
of. It also requires looking within ourselves with honesty.
Is it hard to admit we're struggling with our addiction? Or
that we're feeling sick? Or that such feelings as rage,
sorrow, or fear are predominant? Or that we're working
through incest, sexual, physical, or emotional abuse issues?

Meeting our needs with gentleness and compassion softens
the task of being good to ourselves. It may take a long time
of asking, "What can I do to take care of myself?" before
we actually know how to or want to. But just as a good
parent thinks of how to take care of his or her child, we can
learn to do the same for ourselves. Each time we do, we
move closer to higher self-esteem.

What can I do to take care of myself today?

Re: hazeldon....
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 23 23:30:00 2002 (#738)

that's really cool, all that that you posted, and it's all true also.
While I was in the "mental hospital" we did excercises like that every morning right when we woke up at 6 am (ah to early). we would set goals for ourself to accomplish that day, really simple goals and if we didnt accomplish the goal it was okay but it doesnt mean we failed. Also every section we went to throughout the day we would say something we like about ourself and something we need to improve about ourself to each counselor. I hated to do it at the time but now days it seems like a good way to actually see whats hurting you and to see what you can do about it.
If we do these things in every day life it might just be a little easier
anyway..thanks for posting something positive, it was really nice.
love KAT

My psych paper
Posted by erica on Thu Jan 24 01:47:56 2002 (#739)

Hi All!
Well I think I have decided what to do my research paper on. Surprise surprise it's Self mutilation. Our library does not have a lot of articles/books and stuff I can use, so I have limited choices. But I think that after the comments I heard and what my instructor said to me(that it's extreme, and he classified tattoos as self mutilation) I want to set him straight. I have no problem writing about it or reading about self mutilation, so I think I will be o.k., but just to be sure I am starting my paper early so if I need to I can switch topics.
By the way, the two books I am choosing from is "Cutting" by steven levenkron, or "Bodily Harm" by Karen Conterio and Wendy Lader.

Erica:o)

Re: My psych paper
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 24 02:12:19 2002 (#740)

Hi Erica, good luck writing your paper.
And I hope it brings your classmates and your teacher to a better understanding as to why self mutilation is apparent in our lives.
I have that book "Cutting" that you mentioned, it's very good..although some of the things I happen to disagree with with the writer, most of everything in that book made me feel like he wrote the book about me.
take care
love KAT

Re: My psych paper
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jan 24 03:08:31 2002 (#745)

Good luck, let us know how you do. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: My psych paper
Posted by Strider on Thu Jan 24 21:17:30 2002 (#756)

Yeah, I don't post anymore, but I still read your stuff. I would also suggest "Bodies Under Siege", and "A Bright Red Scream". I read them both and they would be quite helpful in your paper (seeing as how I'm going to use them for my own psyke paper in the future).

love and prayers, Colin

Re: My psych paper
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 24 23:05:18 2002 (#757)

My mom decided she'd do some research on self injury when she found out about me and she bought the books "Scarred Soul" and I think the other one is "Self-help guide for teenagers who self-mutilate" - that book kinda sucked cuz I already knew everything in it, but scarred soul is really good.

Good Luck.

Love, Alana

Re: My psych paper
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 25 03:25:41 2002 (#760)

yeah Scarred Soul is really good.

WIERD....
Posted by LOST on Thu Jan 24 16:34:44 2002 (#746)

Its wierd how when i first came to this board (actually, the other psyke one) i was like 16 and living with my parents and stuff and i fuckn hated it. it was the worst thing in the world i wanted to die every second and the thought of them made me want to vomit. they gave me NOTHING... not even love... so anyway, now i'm almost 19--- been on my own for quite a while now... no parents to say or do anything to me... but somehow i STILL want to die. not as often as before... but its still there. so how the hell does that work?? wasn't it supposed to go away when i left home?

Re: WIERD....
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jan 24 16:53:01 2002 (#747)

Hi K,
Well... nope. Unfortunatley that is part of the NASTY cycle. After almost two years of therapy I learned that even though you are away from the wretched environment your mind hasn't learned anything different. I am thinking this is why you feel despair. I wish I could be close to you. I would give you a HUGE huge to start!! Drop me a line. Maybe Maggie and I will plan a road trip to see you before she heads back. Ok, take care!!

Re: WIERD....
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 24 18:17:57 2002 (#749)

((((((((((((((LOST)))))))))))) ) It's so good to see my friend here again. I am sorry that you are still in despair. You know my answer so I won't go there!! Don't forget who loves you!!! ;)
AND Nuni.......what a great idea for you and Maggie to go visit. That would be such a great thing. Love you guys.

Re: WIERD....
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 24 19:45:20 2002 (#750)

Unforunately the demons in our soul follow us wherever we go. We can't run from our problems...they always make an appearance.

Sorry.

Love, Alana

Re: WIERD....
Posted by erica on Thu Jan 24 19:59:22 2002 (#751)

I thought the same thing. I mean, those feelings are supposed to go away. But in all reality, they most likely won't. One thing they told me in hospital was that I most likely would still feel suicidal and like hurting myself for the rest of my life. To me that sucks, but I guess that's what I have to deal with. If there's one thing I like about this board is that we can always find someone who feels the same way.
Erica:o)

Re: WIERD....
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 24 23:13:41 2002 (#758)

I dont wanna make judgments for you, but heres maybe whats happening (I dont know)..just a thought. Maybe for all your depression and such you had in you you needed something to blame and although your parents contributed to by not showing you love or support or any kind of guidance as parents, you still put it ALL on them. Not sayin that they didnt help make you depressed, but anyway..Im thinkin that you thought they were the main problem and when you went away, Im sure things were gonna get better, but they might not have. Depression sucks, it's there for a long time and it appears suddenly, sometimes over things and we didnt even know it happened. Take care of yourself and try and get deep into yourself and see what really upsets you in life.
take care, sorry If Im way off with this post, it was just a thought
*hugs*
love KAT

(((Linda))))
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jan 24 20:09:55 2002 (#752)

Hi Linda,
Sorry I havent gotten around to sending you my snail letter. NO EXCUSES. I think about you often and am ever so grateful that I have you as a sister in Christ. I hope you are doing well. Isn't it great that LOST is back. Hmmm I wish this was all under different circumstances. Luv,
Nuni

(((((((Nuni))))))
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 24 20:22:34 2002 (#753)

I agree! It is great to have her back but sad at the same time.
It's ok about the "snail mail". I will love it when it comes!
I am very excited because I ordered those tapes by Dr. Lutzer...the one that I posted about....."Putting Your Past Behind You". I can't wait to get those so I can listen to them slowly and absorb all the helpful things he says. Maybe I can pass it on to you and all the others.
Glad to see that you and Maggie are still enjoying the visit!

I'm pissed
Posted by laura rose on Fri Jan 25 03:16:44 2002 (#759)

I came home to my mom being out in her car in the parking lot of my apartments.... a few minutes later, she knocks on my door and is like "I hope you aren't mad at me, but I made a doctor's appointment for you... it's in forty minutes... and I need to be there... so I"m going to take you... GRRRRR!!!! I hate being set up... especially by my own family... I'm so pissed right now.

*sigh*
~laura

Re: I'm pissed
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 25 03:28:06 2002 (#761)

hugs.

uncontrallable
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 25 03:31:01 2002 (#762)

i am sitting here and i can't stop crying...and it isn't the tears that run silently down my face..it is the tears that rack my body with sobs and shake me down to the core...i am so alone and i hate this. i am so scared this will never end. i can't stop crying. i don't know what to do.

Re: uncontrallable
Posted by KAT on Fri Jan 25 04:58:53 2002 (#763)

Ah the wonderful-terrible silent but loud crying spell. It's torcher but it feels good afterwards to get it all out, everytime I go to see my doc. (psych.) he asks me if Ive had any crying spells, I say no..because its only happened to me once. I broke down in the mental hospital and cryed my eyes out for a long ass tiem, I kicked the windows I screamed I hit, I sobbed, I cryed..and tell ya what it felt good. It hurt because the reasosn I was crying for I dunno I was just sad and it was uncotrollable like you are explaining, but it will stop and you might feel better. Take care sweetheart, I might not be there in person, but your in my heart. I hope my words warm you some and make you feel not so alone...take care PLEASE
love KAT

Re: uncontrallable
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 25 20:54:33 2002 (#770)

thanks so much KAT...i feel better today and at least i know that i still can cry and that i am not a complete mutant without any feelings or emotions....it is good to know that someone feels the same...the unexplainable sobbing...
take care...hugs...julie

Re: uncontrallable
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 26 02:28:46 2002 (#779)

It's a good thing to cry, it gets out feelings in
your body that should never be held in. It's
healthy!! There is nothing wrong with anyone, even
guys, who cry. I hope you're feeling better. Even
I have to have good long crying jags sometimes.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Pressure to cure
Posted by KAT on Fri Jan 25 05:47:05 2002 (#764)

so me and my best friend had a talk today and we talked about how I havent cut in a long time and I slipped up and cut about a week ago, or less. So everyone knows that I cut but not often (so they think) and I dunno I'm like this expert on cutting to them now or something.

Her friend is cutting herself extrmemely bad she said but this friend won't tell anyone or show anyone the cuts. But we've all seen them so my best friend wnats me to talk to this person about cutting and kinda see whats goin on and tell them to try and stop. because she says "I've had expierence and help."

I dont know though, it seems really overwhelming and Im still struggling with helping myself out, if I tried to help this girl then she did something really drastic to herself I'd feel extremely bad, like it was part my fault, and that I could have done something more.
I dont know Im not ready to reverse roles and go into a helping state of mine for a cutter, I mean I try and comfort you all here and myself from time to time, but I just feel very pressured into doing something I have no business doing. Does anyone have an I dea to as how I feel..what would you do?
Im so confused..Im in a tough spot in life right now and things are getting difficult AGAIN, like always.
-KAT

Re: Pressure to cure
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 25 20:52:14 2002 (#769)

KAT...
i don't really think it would be in your best interest to try to help her....i have a friend that started cutting and she refused to go get help and i tried to be her therapist but just ended up bringing both of us down...it isn't worth it for either of you....it might be nice for her to know that she isn't alone though....maybe you could just talk but make your friends realize that you are in no position to support her.
take care....julie

Re: Pressure to cure
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 26 02:25:37 2002 (#778)

KAT,
It would be extremely hard for you to help her if
you don't feel it's right. Just let her know you're there and you know what her feelings are.
I'm sorry you're in a bad spot right now. I hope
the clouds lift for you soon. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Update....
Posted by laura rose on Fri Jan 25 05:56:47 2002 (#765)

Okay, so I went. I told my mom exactly what was going to happen and she was like "no, laura... they just want to talk to you"... and when my doctor finally walked in, I didn't want to say anything, and I didn't want to look at her. She asked me if I was still taking my meds and seeing my counselor. I told her I wasn't. She then said "well, I have no choice then... either you go to the hospital with your mom, or I will call the police and an ambulance to come and get you"... I told her it was not going to happen because I had to go to work the next day. She basically said she didn't care about that (I'm guessing doctor's don't know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck)... any way, I lied to her and said I would go with my mom. And when we got outside I told my mom that if she made one turn for the hospital, I would jump out.

I understand that she was just worried about me, but backing me in to a corner is only the way to get me to fight... not to get me to open up. I wanted to be honest with her and tell her I've had a lot of death thoughts lately. Not really that I want to kill myself.. but more like I wish something would just happen to me.. and I would die. That way I wouldn't go to hell, but I wouldn't have to live. Kind of stupid, I guess.... but all I've been doing lately when I'm not at work is laying in bed. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything... I want someone to come in and fix me... but I don't want to work for it... I don't have the energy to. Ugh... it sucks.

And that was the only doctor that I trusted... and now I will never go back there again. NO WAY! I don't trust anyone but my boyfriend right now...

Man, I'm so pissed off....
~laura

Re: Update....
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 26 02:20:59 2002 (#777)

Oh Laura,
I wish I could talk you into going to the hospital and getting some help. Especially since
you're having thoughts of death. I would hate to
lose you. But you'll do what you want and I can't
tell you elsewise. Just please be careful. When
you want help bad enough, you'll get it. Email me
if you ever want to just talk. Take care of your
self.
Love, Rhonda

Becky
Posted by kae on Fri Jan 25 11:52:17 2002 (#766)

Hey everyone...I was just checking out the board again, and theres still nothing from or about Becky. Does anyone know how she is? I was just wondering.

kae

Re: Becky
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 26 02:16:54 2002 (#776)

You might try emailing Dawn and asking her. I
think she has kept in touch with some family members lately. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Just needed a place to vent
Posted by Strider on Fri Jan 25 19:11:12 2002 (#768)

So I go to class today here at the military, and I'm pulled out and sent to the on base medical unit. They start asking about my cuts. Long story short, they're thinking of kicking me out. I may leave thge officer school for the regular ranks, I may be kicked out all together... or maybe I'll stay here and it'll be fine. I don't know. Thanks for listening.

Colin

Re: Just needed a place to vent
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 25 20:56:58 2002 (#771)

i'm sorry Colin...that totally isn't fair...hopefully something will work out though....maybe...hopefully
how are you doing though, really??????
take care as best you can...julie

Re: Just needed a place to vent
Posted by Maggie on Fri Jan 25 23:39:34 2002 (#773)

Oh Colin!
I was worried that was gonna happen. I hope it all works out the way you want it. Were they understanding at all? Let me know how it all goes.
Luv and prayers,
Maggie.

Re: Just needed a place to vent
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 26 02:15:38 2002 (#775)

Hey Collin,
Sorry about what is happening to you. Doesn't
really seem fair. Anyway, I hope things turn out
okay for you and I'll say a prayer for you tonight. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Just needed a place to vent
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 26 03:53:23 2002 (#780)

Extremely sorry to hear that.

I'll pray that things work out for the best with you. Again, I'm sorry about the news. Hang in there hun.

Alana

PS "Clench my fist, bite my lip, until it mends the pain" - it could work I suppose.

disappointed
Posted by Erin on Fri Jan 25 21:04:48 2002 (#772)

well I got my report card today and I was right about that D in english and everything. I'm not on the honor roll anymore...that really sucks. in a way I knew I wouldnt be but still... its disappointing because I worked really, really hard to stay on it and I only did worse. missed it by two damn points... *sighs* I tried to do even better than I did last time and I just did worse... I dont know how the hell that can happen. I think its just my tests...I studied a lot though... oh well

Re: disappointed
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 26 03:57:30 2002 (#782)

Ahh yes, the fear of failing...welcome to my world Erica. Last year I worked super hard to gain the grades I felt I needed to sustain that "smart chick" image...but ya the results weren't so good.

Just keep working hard and it'll come. I promise.

Love, Alana

Search your past see the truth
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 01:53:32 2002 (#774)

So I went back to the old but familiar psyke site and went to search like I often do. I go back and read my very first post to my very last post, and yeah it's alot of reading but it really gets me thinking. I can see the change that has happened in my life through my posts, from a horribly depressed, derranged, psychotic suicidal mania, to a civilized person who deals with problems with cutting. It's so amazing I cant explain. Anyways I came across something I posted quit a while ago and I felt like posting it again here and now because I think it's absolutely beautiful and it warms my heart when I read it.
It's from a book called Woman who hurt themselfs and its on the opening page.
here's what it says:"Imagine a long, black marble wall, inscribed with names, reaching far into the distance. Imagine a quilt, covered with names and images of loved ones who have died, stretching over acres of land. But instead of war casualties and AIDS victims, the names on this wall and this quilt are those of women who died by their own hand. They died from alcoholism, drug addiction, anorexia, bulimia, excessive dieting, self inflicted burns and slashing, and a hundred other ways of harming one's own body. These are women who killed themselves, yet they could be considered murder victims. In childhood they suffered sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, or psychological terrorism. Thier names would stretch for hundreds of miles if inscribed on a memorial wall or stitched on a memorial quilt. These women are not remember as brave victims on a war of epidemic illness, but they should be. Instead they are often blamed for their deaths because the fatal wounds were inflicted by their own hand. These wounds however were a direct consequence of earlier injuries inflicted by parents, grandparents, or other primary caretakers, injuries that never healed and proved deadly..."

well for those of you who have stuck with this incredibly long post to the very end, Thank you and I hope you have a very safe night.
hugs and much love
-KAT

Re: Search your past see the truth
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 26 03:55:45 2002 (#781)

Yah...whenever I search at the old psyke site and look up what I wrote I feel somehow ashamed of who I was...or still am...its a weird feeling. I don't know what it is, I just don't like where I was last year in reference to my mental state. I try and forget how I was, but it always comes back...the best advice I have is to accept what happened and move on from there...its seemingly harder than it sounds as you all probably know.

Don't worry so much...hang in there.

Alana

itchy arms..egghh
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 26 04:08:47 2002 (#783)

I'm quite surprised that I've overcome the urges to hurt myself in the past 2 weeks, considering all the shit that has been going on in reference to my dad, school, relationships etc....I'm proud to say the least.

My arms are itchy. I have a problem watching my arms heal, like its not suppose to be that way. They're suppose to be cut up at all times for me to be satisfied with the work I put into it. Anyone else get like that? Needless to say the new 50 or so cuts so happily contributed to my left arm are slowly disappearing on me again. Its always like that...you know what that means eh? - time to cut again. Without them I'm empty and alone. With them I'm needed and have a sense of contentment come over my soul.

It's a funny thing this SI behaviour.

Well all I have to say on the relationship front is that I'm completely infatuated. OH BOY am I ever. I don't think I've ever felt this for anyone before. Infatuation is a bitch. His name is Eric, and he's brutally hardcore rock...goth I guess you could say. I want him bad baby.

That's about all I have to report. Hope you all are doing ok.

Love, Alana

Re: itchy arms..egghh
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 06:02:22 2002 (#787)

Hey Alana..glad to hear that you're resisting the urge, but your post doesn't sound very promising. Whatever you engage in be safe, I'm sure you've heard that a hundred times. :) anyways I know exactly what you're talking about, the ITCH, the need to do it somemore, the time when the skin is getting flaky and the blood is all dried and long gone, it's time for a new self inflicted pain that helps us cope with shitty life or life styles. I know exactly how that feels, although these days it's not as bad and I don't cut every night or day or week in that matter. It's very wierd. Anyways, good luck with that boy..he sounds hot just by the desrciption you gave..
take care, don't give up on yourself.
love KAT

*sigh*
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sat Jan 26 04:44:11 2002 (#784)

ok im drunk and listening to soul asylum but *sigh* why do I always feel so shitty?
I spoke to my councellor yesterday, she is getting another consultant to assess me, she thinks I need more medication, I am sick of having to depend on antidepressants, I dont like it.. GRRRRRRRRR Sorry Im ranting, I wish I could just go now, and never return, not to bother you guys or myself again, Im sorry.
Love Roses and Empathy...
...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ...

Re: *sigh*
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 06:04:54 2002 (#788)

I've always hated anti-depressants too and any kind of medication tht stopped me from feeling the true feeling that I had coming to me in life. But in our society I guess these medications are highly effective and needed to function in "every day life". So therefore, I am not gonna lie, they arent so bad aftera while, and you will definently notice the change theyve made if they are working correctly for you. Feell better and take care.
love KAT

Re: *sigh*
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 26 16:31:43 2002 (#796)

I know it's tough taking all that medication, but
in the end it's worth it. There is hope that one
day you won't need it. Hang in there cause I'm
pulling for you. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

sorry
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Sat Jan 26 04:45:11 2002 (#785)

sorry guys Im talking shit

Re: sorry
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 26 16:29:14 2002 (#795)

That's okay, I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

sorry
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Sat Jan 26 05:04:35 2002 (#786)

sorry

Re: sorry
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 06:06:14 2002 (#789)

it's quit alright sweetheart. This place is a place to leave you're problems and to get them out in the open to get sorted, don't need to apologize for feeling a certain way.
*hugs*
sober up and feel better
-KAT

Re: sorry
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 26 08:09:27 2002 (#791)

why are you sorry hun? Nothing to be sorry for. Just say what you need to say, we're all hear to listen to it.

Love, Alana

LYS! needs urgent help
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 06:36:43 2002 (#790)

please..if anyones been to the old psyke site lately LYS..which Im sure most of you know has posted something very disturbing to anyone who reads these posts. I don't take any kind of suicide "note" or plans that someone puts out for me to see as a joke. I know this because this was once my reality..no one believed me, and I did it...amazingly still here, anyways. Lys is in dire need or some support I tried to do all I can do but I am just one person, and I feel the pain that she might be expierencing it hurts to know someone is in so much pain that they are ready and willing to end their life.
please anyone who can help her in any way please do so..
Lys..baby if youre reading this, please take care of yourself and dont put your family members or yourself through such a traumatix expeirence. Life can be good..it really can, even when things seem to be at the losewst they can go, they just keep goin lower, but things do get better.
:(
love-KAT

nowt so queer as folk (poem)
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 26 14:09:59 2002 (#793)

there's em as will, and em as won't/
em as does, an em as don't/
em as can, an em as can't/
em as shall, an em as shan't/
em as knows, an emas blank/
em as smart, an em as plank/
em as in the street with me/
em as same as me an thee/
folks em called, an it's no joke.

to say, there's nowt as queer as folk/
yet still they come an things they'll do/
shock to me, an shock to you/
you'd no more think to do as they/
an no more dream or think to say/
the things as some of em will do/
but some aint same as me or you/
cos even though they look the same/
there's each one different as is name/
an that's as how tis meant to be/
different sa you an different as me.

an there's em as have, an em as ain't/
em as sins, an em as saint/
em as free, an em as bind/
em as see, an em as blind/
em as loves, an em as hates/
em as rolls through pearly gates/
em as young, an em as old/
em as hot, an em as cold/
folk, is how they all get called/
some got hair, some pure bald/
an as i say, it ain't no joke/
to say, there's nowt as queer as folk.

Re: nowt so queer as folk (poem)
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:46:31 2002 (#807)

that poem kicks ass!! i love it!
crystal

so alone
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 26 14:22:11 2002 (#794)

a wierd thing happened last night. My dad asked me if i wanted to go to the pub with him. that in it's self isn't so wierd, it's just that...i dunno. having my dad ask me that kinda made me realise how alone i was. he was saying like, why don't you fone such n such? and i was like, umm, don't really talk to them any more. and so the list grew of friends i don't have any more.
of course there are a couple of people i could fone, but i think (as you can all see) i'm dong a pretty fine job of making them feel that i do't want them around any more.
i'm tearful and pathetic and i'm very quickly losing everything that's keeping me......
forget it. xxxxx

Re: so alone
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 22:44:44 2002 (#799)

Don't feel so alone, it's obviously theres so many people in the world that love you. Dame that depression, it is getting the best of you. Don't let a sickness bring you down and eat you up, take care of yourself. I know it's hard when theres not much you can do..if you arent already on anti-depressants try and get some, or just get your feelings out that are restraining you from going out and having a fun life.
take care
-KAT