You are here: Home > Archive > Psyke.org Forum > Threads 176 to 200

Threads 176 to 200

hopeless
Posted by Erin on Wed Jan 16 21:08:51 2002 (#620)

I really hate life. I hate school too...the 2nd semester ends this friday and I got my science grade today. I have a D. I worked my ass off to to get a good grade so I'd stay on the honor roll...and I have a fucking D to show for it. I hope my teacher isnt done with grades. if she is, I'm screwed. I may as well kill myself. *sighs* plus I cant fucking pass this stupid 9th grade math profiency test. I only needed 6 points to pass and I've taken it like 5 times already...I hate school so much. I cant do anything anymore. my best friend passed her two profiecny tests and she was really happy about it. I wish I was too... I'm old enough to get my drivers permit but I probably cant till like next year or something. my parents cant afford it, and if my dad doesnt get to work any overtime then he has to get a second job...that sucks...that means I'm stuck here with my mom. unless I go to my friends house or something. my best friend is like my only real friend here. my bf lives in a different state. I read a few minutes ago on the other board..where someone posted something like.. "life, why does it suck?" thats a really good question. I wish I knew why. I'm so upset...I could just cry all nite

Re: hopeless
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 00:19:26 2002 (#629)

hey there, it's okay
school work does suck but believe it or not it really will pay off in the end. And even if you get bad grades doesnt mean your screwed, I mean now days a lot of colleges and jobs dont even look at high school grades, seriously. but I suppose you arent worried to much about that right now.
Im in 11th grade Ive struggled my way through 12 years of school so Im not gonna give up now, niether should you.
take care, things do get better.. i PROMISE! in all aspects of live.
take care love KAT

Re: hopeless
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 17 02:20:30 2002 (#637)

I'm not going to college. its just my mom..thats why I'd be screwed if I get a D or F...because of her and what she'll do

Re: hopeless
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 20 19:11:27 2002 (#698)

Hey Erin, I dont mean to be nosy, but what will your mother do is you get a D or an F in school ?

I dunno what your mother will do but My mother used to be very overwhelming on me and my brothers.
so I understand, the slightest thingwe did wrong she'd beat us really..I mean seriously, and it wasnt good at all.
It was much more then a spanking on the behind to teach discipline, but now after therapy and learning things about parents who do that to their kids i understand my mom a lot better, not saying that what she did was right.
So take care and Im sorry that you have a tough time with your mother .
School can be difficult when you have a lot of stress on you to do good, do good for your own satisfaction and therefore your mother will be please as well.
take care, love KAT

just checking
Posted by LOST on Wed Jan 16 23:44:29 2002 (#623)

hey just checking if it'll let me read what i wrote. it didn't last time...

WOOOOOOOHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Posted by LOST on Wed Jan 16 23:52:36 2002 (#625)

ok its working. anyway, i have NO CLUE what i wrote in the last one. haven't seen u guys in a while! DAMN! :) glad to be back :) hehehe ok well let me update u. i'm 18 still... living on my own... about to move again into a studio apartment in the ghetto (kaka!) everytime i look, something new brakes (sp) on my car.... uhhhhhhmmm work is going good (clerk for some anti drug office for the school district) just got off drugs... its been 30-something days now. i was a big HUGE speed junkie for about a yr and a coke head for like 3 or 4 months buuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt i'm sober now :) yay for me. uhmmm i'm a whore i guess u could say. i'm still doing that stupid shit where u think fucking everyone and their momma will somehow eventually make a guy love u... WRONG... but i can't control it for some reason (even tho i think sex is boring) 'i need love'-- like LL Cool J said :) hmm i'm in MAJOR debt... like a few thousand $'s but oh well. i've been pregnant once since i was last here (miscarriage) and i think i might be again (missed 2 periods... but the test came up negative) what else what else what else??? no boyfriend... i somehow continue to get involved with guys who emotionally and mentally abuse me and make me feel like shit... and i always put up with it. i suck. so ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSS i'm barely ever online so thats why it took so long to post again... well e-mail me or something if u wanna talk :) bye bye

Re: woohoo
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 00:25:55 2002 (#631)

yes, I totally understand what you mean, I didnt have time to throughoughly read through your post, but I skimmed over it and I was also a speed fuckin junkie.
I was sooo fuckin addicted to that shit, I ate it like candy! like breathing but Im over that now,..its tough i know, hang in there. and about the boyfriend thing, I know what u mean there too.
I attracte guys who like to hit, punch, mentally abuse, and fuyck over people..people like me.
which really sucks, I havent been involved for the pure fact that guys are shitty..well all the ones i know are so far
but i know not all are like that so hang in there and take care of yourself hun
love KAT

crimson tears
Posted by Aukee on Thu Jan 17 00:00:18 2002 (#626)

OK ~

she NEVER called you ridiculous, it was just a quote, and to stop saying that she called you that becuase it was a quote, you need to grow up and learn to spell cause it is ridiculas you cant even spell ridiculous.

its very sad that you think that peoples posts are in regard for YOU. because BRAIN WASH!!! they are not. you're not that special to think that people are always thinking about you and replying to you. its stupid, and annoying. grow up my dear

Aukee

Re: crimson tears
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 01:41:49 2002 (#633)

and does this involve you ??? NO!!
you are also very sad to involve yourself into other peoples business.. just keep out of it girl, it is nothing to do with you.

Re: crimson tears
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 01:43:16 2002 (#634)

also... dont bother digging at my spelling ok?.. I am partly dyslexic..that ok with you?

Sometimes it's good to be alone
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 00:15:07 2002 (#627)

sometimes it's better to be alone then with other people who are gonna just be assholes or whatever ya know.
sometimes it's better to sit by yourself at lunch time in high school and eat by yourself and watch the people laugh and walk by you and shit.
sometimes it's better to smome alone, no on there to fuck with you and also more for yourself. sometimes its better to be sad alone, people bring up memories and without them..without people I'd be just fine.
this isnt a poem or anything just something thats been on my mind.
No one really posts over on the old board anymore, but I do. so dont feel alone, heh
anyways that was kind of ironic
well take care all
love KAT

Re: correction
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 00:16:38 2002 (#628)

I meant to type smoke and while Im on the subject..marijuana is great.
I know that sounds pretty stupid and completely not true, but sometimes it is......to me..sometimes its my only friend.

Re: correction
Posted by jue on Thu Jan 17 02:59:30 2002 (#642)

i liked that KAT...i agree sometimes it is better to be alone than with people who suck. just my thoughts.
take care...julie

Pics. of cuts
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 00:30:31 2002 (#632)

well I wanted to see the pics on this site, yet it wouldnt let me in without a username and password , on one hand I totally see how that is necessary, yet on the other hand it kind of offends me.
oh well..
I didnt register.
but um..does anyone know if they are the same pics from the oldm psyke board?

Re: Pics. of cuts
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 01:50:12 2002 (#635)

there are the same pics on there, but there are also new pics. you should register.....
Love
CriMsOn*TeArs

gone
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 01:56:54 2002 (#636)

just leave me alone, i have had it with you lot, all except Nuni and Rhonda, thankyou, the only ones that have truely helped me.
Goodbye.

Re: gone
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jan 17 02:28:29 2002 (#638)

Are you okay? Sorry you're upset.Also, did you
get my card I mailed to you? Couldn't tell if
it went through or not. Email me if you want to
talk. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: gone
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 02:51:44 2002 (#640)

I dont understand what the problem is but Im sure whatever it is its just a matter of mistaken words, Im pretty sure..well especially with this board and the fragile people that come here.
take care and I hope you feel better, from whatever it is thats bothering you so much.
love KAT

Re: gone
Posted by pink girl on Thu Jan 17 06:58:57 2002 (#649)

Im sorry that you dont like it here anymore :( if you do go, take care and u can always mail me, as the posts u write help me sometimes, even if i dont reply to them.
take care
love 'n' prayers

sometimes people don't listen
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 02:53:39 2002 (#641)

they dont listen when you want them to hear you hurting inside, they dont listen when you want them to hear your cries for help, but they listen when you want to be alone.
you know how much that sucks!!!!

Re: sometimes people don't listen
Posted by jue on Thu Jan 17 03:01:06 2002 (#643)

i am sorry honey...i know the feeling...sometimes i wonder why people don't get it. but i guess that is the way it is...i guess there are some good people though:) maybe....
hugs julie

Stop the immaturity!
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 17 03:18:57 2002 (#644)

Holy shit, would everyone please just post what they want and reply to what they want...who cares what others think...just stopping causing trouble here. The other board went to shit b/c of this (which I was a huge part of). Lets try and not do the same thing here ok guys?

I don't know what you guys are fighting about, and I really could care less...please, lets just stop though. Its not worth the effort and energy put into it...its also not worth the pain.

Sorry guys, I know you all mean well.

Love, Alana

Re: Stop the immaturity!
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 04:02:40 2002 (#646)

Alana,
I dont want the fighting either, I have simply defended myself from complete abuse.
I dont like the attitude of some of the people here, it is immautre and pathetic, I totally agree with you.
Love
CrimSon*TEarS

Re: Stop the immaturity!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 04:05:29 2002 (#647)

I agree with you Alana, I was kinda gonna make a post about this but I decided not to take up anymore space on useless posts about fighting ya know..but its all good..Im glad someone did it.
The fighting is pretty annoying, but, its just a part of people coming together I suppose.

Re: Stop the immaturity!
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 17 06:03:34 2002 (#648)

Just trying to help...instead of join in.

Mean people suck.

Love you all, Alana

Re: Stop the immaturity!
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 17:14:22 2002 (#721)

I understand, I guess theres really no need to respond to this port, b/c to my understanding things are all worked out between everyone, well hopefully.
Im bored and home today on a lonley Tuesday.
take care Alana
-KAT

I changed my mind
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 13:37:17 2002 (#650)

Ok, so I cant cope without you lot, I am sorry for any shit that I have caused here, it was not intentional I assure you, I didnt want any of the arguments either, Elle.. I read through your post again, I dont know, maybe I just misread it before, I am sorry for jumping to conclusions and having ago at you, I realise that it was a quote now, God I feel so stupid, Im sorry.

Re: I changed my mind
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 17 16:10:50 2002 (#651)

((((((((Emz))))))) That took a very big person to do that. Thank you for being so considerate. We all understand what it means to be "on edge" and lash out at the first thing that moves. Even "non-cutters" understand that!! We're glad you're back!

Re: I changed my mind
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 16:37:35 2002 (#652)

thankyou..one question..
Linda...How do you know my name?

Re: I changed my mind
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 17 18:18:26 2002 (#653)

From your web-page......it's posted with every post you make. I have visited there a few times. I like seeing pictures of who we are talking to. Thanks for posting it.

Re: I changed my mind
Posted by Nuni & Maggie on Thu Jan 17 19:28:45 2002 (#654)

Hi,
Crims, we are glad you decided to hang around. It takes a lot for someone to accept or admit responsibility. Good friendships are built on having misunderstandings. We all care about you here. Group HUG!!!!!
Nuni & Maggie

Re: I changed my mind
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 19:43:25 2002 (#655)

thanks guys, again Im sorry..
I hope no one holds too many grudges against me here.
Take care everyone..
Love
CriMsOn*TeArS

in psych class
Posted by erica on Thu Jan 17 20:51:24 2002 (#656)

O.K. Well I talked to my abnormal psych instructor. I asked him about the list he put up and how I was wondering about the self mutilation point he had put up on the overhead. Since he had only mentioned how a guy covered in tattoos was self mutilation, I asked him if those who cut would be considered. He said it was an extreme form of self mutilation. Then he went on to tell me that in a film we'll be watching the main person that they're documenting will actually cut herself while they're filming. Then these other two people get in on the conversation and start telling me about how some people injure themselves and implying how horrible it is. This one lady was even telling me how "they" can't even feel the pain.
It just makes me soo mad their attitudes. I was soo close to telling them that I cut. I wanted to jam my arm in their faces. Aurgh. I don't even know how I will be able to sit through the film.
Anyways as I was walking to the bus one of the ladies was asking me what I was doing my reflection paper on. I told her I may be doing it on self mutilation. We have to do a paper on a documentary/movie/article, whatever, I just have to find a good piece to do it on. Any ideas?
Anyways I just wanted to let you know what happened with my instructor. I'm just glad he hasn't noticed my scars yet.

Erica:o)

Re: in psych class
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 23:24:26 2002 (#657)

AH..I can only imagine how you felt in that class, I am taking psychology in my high school and they havent mentioned cutting yet, hopefully they wont or Im gonna feel very wierd, and I know high school kids will make comments that will upset me. We have talked about suicide though and that was pretty difficult aswell.
good luck on your psych paper though..
and just remember that people fear what they dont understand so whatever someone says try not to take it personally ya know.
take care of yourself.
LOVE KAT

Re: in psych class
Posted by CryingRedTears on Thu Jan 17 23:59:58 2002 (#659)

hey-i'm not sure how much this is going to help but i thought i would offer my input:
you could always do your paper on the piece that 20/20 did about 6 months ago. i'm not sure if you could get it, but you may be able to write and get a copy from ABC or something. good luck-

Re: in psych class
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 18 07:16:19 2002 (#661)

hey erica
um...that is really weird that your instructor said that it was an extreme form...most professionals do not agree that tattooing is a form of self injury....so i think that is bizarre. plus it is not that uncommon. i think it is a lot more common than people realize. my psych teacher told me that the western world is suffering an epidemic of depression. i hate it when people spout off about it when they hardly know anything about the topic. you seriously probably know more than he does. anyway...that sucks that you have to sit back and watch a bad film on it. what i have found is that when people actually know someone who does cut their opinion changes totally. maybe he just needs to wake up and stop reading his stupid text book. anyway. sorry for blathering...
hugs and take care
julie

Idea for your psych paper.
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jan 18 15:05:20 2002 (#664)

Well, firstly I can sympathise with your tutor. I am studying A level Psychology and my tutor is a P***K!! He explained self-injury as 'these people' who have a bad headache from pressure in their brain and by cutting themselves they can feel the pressure being released from them, making them feel better.

Well, you could do your paper on the fact that is self injury is more widely known than people think. ANGELINA JOLEY and PRINCESS DIANNA both self injured amongst others. People commonly think that people who self injure are attention seekers but that isn't true, I wonder how many people would consider Angelina and Dianna attention seekers.

Well good luck, whatever you decide to do your paper on!!!!

Stay strong, Nicke. XX

Re: Idea for your psych paper.
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 09:14:06 2002 (#688)

Hi, I empathize with you on your paper. People in general have no real clue about cutting. I didn't when I started cutting, but now I know a lot more. I don't know if you are aware that cutting is part of a physical illness which is mistaken for a mental illness called BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. As a reference for your paper you could look it up in a PDR (Physician's Desk Reference).
Also I have a wonderful book called LIFE AT THE BORDER, by Dr. Leland Keller from Florida.

When I read the front cover I saw myself. I wrote to the author and ordered a copy.

There are also many articles on self-injury on the web. As someone else mentioned some noted people who are or were cutters. I found that site before I found PSYKE.

When I was in college I spoke with my instructor in psychology about my history with domestic abuse and when I was delivering a film on the subject (I was working in media delivery as a workstudy job) and my instructor would tell me I did not have to attend class that day.

I know you are more secretive than I was but if you could find it within yourself to speak up you might be able to save yourself great pain and possible triggering.
Hope that helped, sorry it was long...Dawn

thank you all
Posted by erica on Mon Jan 21 22:54:31 2002 (#710)

thank you all soo much. especially dawn. I'm not sure what exactly Ill write my paper on, but I am sure I'll think of something
I am just thinking, but I don't think I used to be this secretive. My mom and family think that my medication has stopped me from cutting, I just hate to shatter their thoughts. I just want people to quit asking question. Nothing that I haven't posted before.
Sorry I got off topic, thank you.

Erica:o)
btw, one of my close friends has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Driving under the Influence of your mind
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 23:31:48 2002 (#658)

so today after school was let out, I was pretty upset over something really stupid yet hurtful that happened in my last class and I was driving pretty fast trying to get home so I could smoke my problems away.
Yet, I got pretty fast goin on the road like 60 in a 35 Im suprised I wasnt pulled over and I turn real sharp and hit a bump and my car went side ways...now I kinda know why they have those things on my medicine bottles that say use caution when operating a motor vehicle.
My car is probably one of the best weapons I have against myself which is a pretty scary thing, ya know! I dunno..just wanted to poiint that out , even though Im sure you all know that already.
Well Im still pretty Pissed off b/c I didnt get to smoke when I got home, but eh..I'll LIVE for another day.
take care EVERYONE please.
love KAT

Re: Driving under the Influence of your mind
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 18 07:19:30 2002 (#662)

hey KAT....
seriously be careful....cars are the devil...they will kill you one way or another...not seriously...but i am terrified of them to be honest.
hugs and take care...julie

Re: Driving under the Influence of your mind
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Jan 18 15:58:48 2002 (#666)

shit KAT.
Be careful hun, you could do yourself some serious damage like that...
hope you are ok..
Love Roses and Empathy
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: Driving under the Influence of your mind
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 08:52:40 2002 (#687)

Kat my dear, glad you are ok. I'd hate to have you feeling like me...or worse.
Love you...Dawn

fuck it
Posted by Alana on Fri Jan 18 02:13:37 2002 (#660)

Yah, alright, I'm tired of this. I'm sick of just crying out of nowhere...I'm so tired...beyond exhausted. Why does everyone expect so much from me? I just got back from babysitting, I have to write an essay that I've already asked an extension for once before, and then my mom expects me to watch my nephew...and she's giving me shit for not going to see my dad in the hospital yet. Ya ok, how am I suppose to do everything? There's so much to do, and i can't take it anymore. Its shit like this that makes me want to fuckin kill myself. Right now.

I'll see you all on the other side.

Alana

Re: fuck it
Posted by jue on Fri Jan 18 07:22:38 2002 (#663)

hey Alana...
careful hon...i know it is hard when so many things go shitty...i don't have anything to say so i guess...just to let you know that i am thinking about you and hoping you are okay...
take care...hugs
julie

Re: fuck it
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Jan 18 15:56:04 2002 (#665)

Hey Alana
Please be careful, I know what is like when so many things get heavy and on top of you, I know how it is to be dragged down by work, but just do the best you can. Dont work so hard that your feeling exhausted, you cant be forced to do that, tell your mother how this is effecting you, surely she'd understand and back off abit with the babysitting or watching your nephew.
Cheer up hun,
I hope things settle down for you,
Love, Roses and Empathy
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: fuck it
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 08:47:42 2002 (#686)

Alana, its been so long since I was your age, and am glad I don't have school and parents to deal with. But I get the same way when too many things crowd in on me.

It would be better maybe if your mother and the school knew about your problems with anxiety and how it effects you. It could take some pressure off.

You know in a sporting game a couch can see when the team needs a time out..So if you could just make a T with your hands and take a couple of breaths and take a think break. Then do what you CAN do and don't stress about the rest.

You are in my thoughts...Dawn

Alone
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Jan 18 16:09:51 2002 (#667)

Here I lie, darkness falls,
My spine like a doll of war.
Memories shattered, mind scarred,
Tourniquet invisable.
Broken wings, fingers curled,
Bloodshot eyes fear nothing.
Bleeding heart, hear my cry,
The pain just keeps on cutting.
I long for love, I long for hate,
I long for time alone.
Away from dark, away from light,
A vision of my own.

Just a poem I wrote, I thought it was relevent..
Love, Roses and Empathy...
CriMsOn*TeARs

Re: Alone
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 19 01:45:45 2002 (#673)

Gosh, some of ya'll are so good!! I usually print
these out and show them to Tara. I'll defenitly
show tis one to Tara. Good work Crims. Keep
writing. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Alone
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sat Jan 19 10:03:41 2002 (#679)

thanks Rhonda (HUG)
Love roses and empathy
CriMsOn*TeArs

Re: Alone
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 08:37:23 2002 (#685)

So powerful, so wonderful, so enlightening.
You have a gift.
Love...Dawn

Re: Alone
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sun Jan 20 13:39:00 2002 (#694)

thankyou, Im glad you like it
Love Roses and Empathy
CriMsOn*TeaRS

HOPE FOR ALL/Religious(of course) ;)
Posted by Linda on Fri Jan 18 16:14:10 2002 (#668)

HOPE.....I have said there is so much of it. Do you REALLY want to find it? If you do
please go to http:/ /oneplace.com/Ministries/Runni ng_to_Win/ and click to listen to
today’s broadcast. Dr. Erwin Lutzer of Moody Bible Church in Chicago is giving a series
of sermons on Getting Beyond Your Past. He is dealing with many things that are very
common to most of you. He has some wonderful news for you if you want it.
You may also go back through the broadcast archives and hear the previous sermons
which were also on the subject. If you do not have a sound card and can not listen, you
may order the tapes or a book on the same subject.
Here is something I learned today. Dr. Lutzer mentioned that he was apparently
counseling with a young man who had been verbally abused by his mother. He could not
seem to get past it all. He was numb as so many of you mention. He told Dr. Lutzer that
in order to be successful, he HAD to fail because that was what his mother had told him
all his life. Dr. Lutzer’s answer was to refer him to Jesus sermon in the temple found in
Luke 4:18....”The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach
the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, TO PREACH
DELIVERANCE TO THE CAPTIVES, and recovering sight to the blind, to set at liberty
them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.” This young man’s
mother had him in captivity to her words..........Jesus can deliver captives!!!
There was so much more on the last 5-6 broadcasts. Please give yourself the freedom to
check it out.
I want to see a lot more deliverance of captives!!!! Love to all!

nothing (bit of a long rant-sorry)
Posted by jes on Fri Jan 18 16:42:57 2002 (#669)

hey, umm, i know i haven't been around for a while but i've been kinda busy and haven't had the chance. but then, it's not like i'm much use anyway so i'd be surprised if my absence was of any great impact. but.............
i think i'm falling again. i don't know why or what or anything like that, i can just feel inide me that someting is changing again. it's like, for the past few weeks or so i've been gradually more affected by things that had stopped affecting me. if that makes any sense. stupid me actually thought i was getting better, i had stopped arguing with my dad and i had almost stopped being upset by what other ppl did (or didn't) do. just little things. but now....i dunno....i'd alsmost stopped cutting. now i've started again.
i'm beginning to realise that i was right all along. it doesn't mater what i door where i am, i'm still me. and that's where the problem lies, inside me and that's the part of my life i can't chage. i can go on courses and go to college or get a job or whatever but i won't stop being the person i am. the one who pushes ppl away, the one who always messes things up, the one that no-matter how hard i try, people don't want to be around me too much, i don't come in the first 7 or so list of people to invite out.
oh don't i sound so pathetic? oh, poor lil me. no-one loves me. but i can't help the way i feel or the way i am, or the fact that i'm just wasting my time here.

sorry for the rant.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: nothing (bit of a long rant-sorry)
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Jan 18 17:12:17 2002 (#670)

Awwwwww (((((JES!!!!))))
Cheer up hun, we all go through phases like that, well done with the (not)cutting by the way, I had almost stopped as well but then I hit a real downer the other night and ended up slashing my arms to fuck.. ahh well.. maybe next time eh?
Hope you are ok darling, if you ever want to talk mail me or something..
I LOVE YOU!!!
Love Roses and Empathy
CriMsOn*TeArS
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Re: nothing (bit of a long rant-sorry)
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 19 02:08:25 2002 (#676)

We all love you Jes, just keep coming here and
I'll try to help. You can rant and rave to me all
you want too. Afterall, I've heard just about everything. Everyone has down times in their lives
but you can get back on track by going one day at
a time. That's all anyone can do. If you ever want
to talk, just email me. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: nothing (bit of a long rant-sorry)
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 08:33:45 2002 (#684)

Jes, if I had a nickle for all the times I felt myself falling I'd be rich. Our lives are like a rollercoaster that starts out like a kiddy ride then switches trackes and takes us down twists and turns and before we know it were are all done in.
BUT THIS TOO SHALL PASS... we all care for you. hold on tight and give a holler when you need to. I'm praying for you...Dawn

Tomorrow i enter a hell on earth...
Posted by Amanda on Fri Jan 18 19:54:50 2002 (#671)

ok so tomorrow im going to see sam, shes the girl who was in love with isaac. shes also my best mate and i feel more like her big sister than her friend. im going to see her and in a way i dont want to go. as ill have to see how much pain she's in. i hate it when something has hurt her and usually if its a person who upsets her i sort it out. but there is nothing i can do to stop her hurting this time. im scared she will never recover from this. i can only imagin if it was the guy that i loved who had died....i know i wouldnt cope at all. i feel pain in my heart, my own pain as well as hers. i cant stand seeing her hurting inside, id die if it would help her. but it wont bring him back to her. she wants to die so she can be with him, and i have to tell her thats a bad idea when i know if my b/f died id feel exactly the same. i want to take her pain away but i dont know how.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Re: Tomorrow i enter a hell on earth...
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 19 02:04:48 2002 (#675)

Just be there for her. Also tell her I'm so sorry
for her loss and am praying for her. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Tomorrow i enter a hell on earth...
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sat Jan 19 10:10:11 2002 (#680)

she will feel comforted to have you there for her, that is all you can do, and that is the biggest bliss ever, when time are hard, just knowing that someone cares is a good feeling.
I hope you are doing ok, goodluck tomorrow hun.
Love Roses and Empathy.
CriMsOn*TeArS

I came across an article about cutting
Posted by KAT on Fri Jan 18 23:20:58 2002 (#672)

well I was in the doctors office today and I came across an article in a seventeen magazine about cutting. I was shocked, I ripped out the article and stuck in in my pocket, I didnt realize it was so short though. and It's not really an articlwe it's more of a question that someone sent in and the writers for the mag. answered it. This girl wrote in and said her best friend told her she was cutting on herself, and the girl didn't know what to do.
The reply from the writer in the mag. (to me) was dull and unexplanatory in itself. I mean Im not gonna totally criticize the writer because Im pretty sure it was something new to her and she didnt really know how to deal with it in as good of a way as some of us might know. It made me upset that they would print that in their magazine, I dunno..it's just me Im sure but Im very private about my cutting, even though the whole world freakin knows (my friends, family, doctors) I mean im in "recovery" from all the shit thats been goin on. But It still makes me really upset when cutting is like publicly viewed, therefore judge by so many who dont understand it.
anyways thats all I just thought that was kinda interesting and I'd like to share.
take care
Love KAT

Re: I came across an article about cutting
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 19 01:47:14 2002 (#674)

Do you know what issue it was? My younger daughter
gets that magazine and I'd like to see it. Take
care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: I came across an article about cutting
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 19 02:09:59 2002 (#677)

yep, actually it was the April 2001 issue
if you can't find it in your daughters magazines you can look on seventeen.com

it was under the catergorie "Hard Questions"
the title of the page is Scarred souls
love KAT

Re: I came across an article about cutting
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jan 19 02:37:08 2002 (#678)

Thanks KAT!! You're a sweetheart! Take care.
Love, Rhonda

feelin lousy
Posted by pink girl on Sun Jan 20 01:17:54 2002 (#681)

hi
sorry but im going to moan, i just need to get it out.
ive been really down lately so when i woke up today i thought id do summat different for a chagne and thought id die my hair. so i got the stuff and did it... purple. but it looks crap and uneaven and really stupid and all my friends have laughed at it (i'll prob find it funny in a couple of weeks) but at the moment all i want to do is cry/cut/hide away from everyone. but its my own fault and i dont know how i can fix it as i dont have enough money.
sorry. i'll go now.

Re: feelin lousy
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sun Jan 20 01:56:52 2002 (#682)

awww baby
Im sure your hair looks fine, if you dont think so, then maybe you could borrow the cash for a new dye?
Anyway, fuck what anyone else says, you are still just as beautiful :)
cheer up hun.
Love Roses and Empathy.
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: feelin lousy
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 08:16:46 2002 (#683)

If it is fresh you can wash is several time and tone it down some...

That happened to me and that helped.
But remember this....you are not your hair.

this is only temporary

and this too shall pass

Love and hugs....Dawn with hair a quarter inch long.

Re: feelin lousy
Posted by pink girl on Mon Jan 21 13:07:10 2002 (#705)

Thanks for your messages, they really helped me feel better :)
have sorted my hair out now. managed to get a dye on offer so just dyed it black so everythign is covered.
take care
love 'n' hugs

I like this site
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 09:34:54 2002 (#689)

I like not having to write my email addy in and my name and waiting to get back to the index.

I feel a little weird posting when I feel fine. I think I feel good because I've spent 3 hours reading post on both boards and responding to them. It makes me see how being a hermit keeps me safer from the hassels of dealing with others.

But being a hermit is not ME. I have always been a people person. But it is all I can do to keep myself calm... And to tell the truth I'm pretty touchy... With tv I can change the channels with somethings makes me remember.....Memory is my demon. ohhhhh I don't like that word.
I am in awe of all of you who have a life, school, family, jobs, friendships....All those things are too much for me.

Our electric company is embarking on a new usage plan. We can elect to stay on the basic service which is .08 cents per kilowhatt hour, or chose a timed plan based on the time of day we will commit too for 1 year. It is not that complicated and yet the idea I have to make a decision based entirely on guessing how much electricity I will use at what hours of the day makes me want to cut..... I guess I'm not so fine after all__________see what writing does. It gets to the problem at hand. And the problem at hand puts knots in my back and neck.

I wish I had the stitches out of my thumb so I could get some in my arm.....Better stop before ......

Sorry post was long, I want to cut
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 20 09:47:46 2002 (#690)

I can't. not now......... I hate it when I can't for outside reasons and not because I decide not to....

Do any of you understand that. For you young ones, it is different.... for me I have the feedom to cut whenever I feel like it and get stitches when I need them without any hassels... (except talking with a psyhe crisis person), but I know the system.... I know how to work it.... All I have to say is I felt like things were getting too much, too stressful.... that's it.

But with just having surgery, the substitute doctor wouldn't understand, and I'd have to use my thumb, or cut on the same arm.....its a no go...it sucks....bye

Re: Sorry post was long, I want to cut
Posted by jue on Sun Jan 20 10:36:54 2002 (#691)

ooohhh...Dawn i know...it frustrates me when there are things that limit me from cutting because i never feel like it is any accomplishment and people always tell me that it is so good that i am not cutting...and sometimes it isn't good it is just because i can't...sorry anyway i can sympathise.
hugs and take care..julie

Re: Sorry post was long, I want to cut
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 20 18:42:08 2002 (#695)

Hey Dawn, I alllllways dreamed of a place of my own for that very reason, so I could cut and just let it bleed all over and forget about the mess, to cut when I wanted and how much I wanted but I understand we all have restrictions, I guess cuz what society doesnt want to see when we go outside into the world.
I hope you are alright, I reallly do..I love reading your responces to these posts they actually say things that I relate to as well even though we are pretty much different in a lot of ways, except for the fact that we cut.
take care of yourself, Dawn..PLEASE!!
we love you, I love you....
-KAT
:)

don't know
Posted by jue on Sun Jan 20 10:45:58 2002 (#692)

i need some good reasons to go back to counselling. see mostly i hate it...i feel i get attached to my counsellor and if he is male i always try to make myself desirable to him...i know it's fucked up..what can i say? i'm a first class fuck up. the only good thing is i might go back to this counsellor and i know he is gay so at least i won't be stupid about it. i also get really scared that they are going to rape me. or take advantage of me yet...i deliberately try to tempt them. i almost want them to make a pass at me so i can get angry. why am i so screwed up? well well to go or not to go...will it help or will it just terrify me? i wish i knew but i don't.
does anyone have positive counselling experiences?
take care everybody....julie

Re: don't know
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sun Jan 20 13:34:02 2002 (#693)

hmmmm..I cant say I have ever been in that situation about my counseller, but my experiances with them have been good, my counseller is female, she is lovely, she has helped me through alot...
maybe you should request a female counseller??
just a sugestion..
Love Roses and Empathy
CriMsOn*TeARs

Re: don't know
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 20 18:46:43 2002 (#696)

Hey Julie..I have had a great expierence with my counselor, even though in my last weks of counseling I lied to her terribly and manipulated her.
That was all my fault, she was a wonderful counselor..I'd say for you , you definently need to get a woman counselor so that you can feel more safe and not so trying to tempt her ya know. Although what you are doing to your male counselors doesnt sound fucked up to me, I mean in a way it is, but In a way every woman does it, honestly..well probably.
So get a woman that you trust, if you dont like the wonman get another one. I have been through like 3 different therapist until I found the right one.
she waskind of like a friend, and she let me decide what I wanted to do in situations, it was really good and I did benefit some from it.
I learned new ways to cope without cutting that I hadnt learned in the "mental hospital". so take care of yourself and get a woman counselor ok hun!
love KAT

Re: don't know
Posted by jue on Mon Jan 21 04:02:45 2002 (#703)

thanks...i'll try to get a woman counselor maybe somehow i will find someone i like...
thanks for listening...
hugs...take care julie

Waking up to a bloody mess(triggering maybe)
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 20 18:53:48 2002 (#697)

So last night, it was dark in my room..no lights were on except the light from the TV. I had triggered myself with my mind just by thinking about the same thing that always triggers me these days, how my friend betrayed me and blah blah blah..behind my back and all that shit. Some pretty fucked up shit to say the least, anyway..I got out my little secret cutting kit the razors the toilet paper the hospital tape, and I really went at my wrists. I had taken my medicine, seroquel, which is an anti-psychotic which also like knocks me out for hours..so I was pretty tired and drousy.
Theres was blood all over the plcae on my bed sheets on both my arms and I was just smearing the blood all over my boy because I didnt wanna fuck with the toilet paper, and my mom finding it.
So I figured Id just smear the blood on my body and wash it off later. BUT! the blood wouldnt stop it just kept flowing and I kinda got scared, because I get scared when that happens, but after a while I fell asleep oblivious to the fact that were was a bloody mess , and I was litterally lying in my own pool of blood. What would my parents think? theyd deffinently send me to an RTC and I sooo dont wanna go there.
Anyways yeah this post has no meaning except for that Im pretty fucked up stilll...after all this time. After all the money my parents have invested in my health, my mental health, the doctors, the medicine, the hospitals, the stitches, the brain washing..and Im still cutting, I'll admit it's not nearly as bad as it used to be but stilllllllll....any cutting is BAD!
ahh I dont know how to get over this, I dream that Im gonna get a divore from my future husband and just slice myself to hell..I dunno. I just want it to end, I wish I would have never met this nightmare.
:(
-KAT

Re: Waking up to a bloody mess(triggering maybe)
Posted by ChrisE on Sun Jan 20 19:25:23 2002 (#699)

I'm sorry, hon. It happens. You live, you move on. Maybe not soon, but you do. Feel like shit after the event, know you'll still do it again... but there is hope. Everyone's allowed a relapse now and again, doesn't make you weak. You take some steps forward, sometimes you slide back a bit. But you keep on trying. That's how it works, in my own personal opinion.
hugs

Re: Waking up to a bloody mess(triggering maybe)
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jan 20 19:44:40 2002 (#700)

Oh KAT,
I'm sorry. I hope you feel better real soon. You
know you can always email me if you feel like
talking. Please take care of yourself and know
I'm thinking of you.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Waking up to a bloody mess(triggering maybe)
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Mon Jan 21 03:54:20 2002 (#701)

aww Kat
please becareful, I dont really know what to say, I am drunk and upsetr, but I care about you, please becareful
Love roses and empathy
CriMsOn*TEaRs

Re: Waking up to a bloody mess(triggering maybe)
Posted by jue on Mon Jan 21 04:00:55 2002 (#702)

i'm sorry honey...try to be careful and remember that i care...
hugs...julie

Re: Waking up to a bloody mess(triggering maybe)
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 21 07:58:27 2002 (#704)

Dear Kat
Its hard to stop my own tears
I'm sorry life hurts so bad
I've never had that happen
I take my meds after I cut
stay in control that way
I CARE SO MUCH FOR YOU!!!!
I don't know how to make a
cyber frown. But I'm crying
for you. Thank God he
saved your life
...Dawn

Re: thank you from my heart
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 21 19:44:16 2002 (#706)

Dawn, thank you so much!!! that means alot to me, thank you everyone for posting! I feel betetr now that I know people know how I feel and care.
My heart goes out to you all..stay safe.
LOVE KAT

My fate is undecided
Posted by KAT on Mon Jan 21 19:53:30 2002 (#707)

so I just got home from staying the night over at a friends house and I come to see that my room has been raided by my parents. Wonderful! they found things like marijuana , paraphanalia , condoms, razors, bloody tissues, bongs, pipes, and worst of all my poems. My hundreds of depressing suicidal poems. Oh god..I feel like shit.
Since I got out of the Mental hospital last July they said next time anything happens I'll be sent to Austin TX. to stay in a long term residential treatment place for 6months to a year.
I kinda wanna go to get away from all the mess and shame my life's become.
Im almost an adult and I feel terrible in so many ways it hurts. It hurts my heart
I dont think I'll be sent away but my clothes are in boxes so I dont know.
I feel so ..theres no word to describe how I am feeling.
Im so embarrased that my parents see what a mess and drug addict whore Ive become, It really truley hurts my heart in the worst way.
I dont know what to do but either cry or act tough like it doesnt affect me.
I hope Ill talk to you all later one, take care
pray for me.
love always and forever-KAT

Re: My fate is undecided/prayer included
Posted by Linda on Mon Jan 21 20:00:55 2002 (#708)

Oh Kat!!! Please don't act tough on the outside. Let your parents see the real you!! Try to word to them exactly what you have said here. Maybe it would surprise you their reaction. I don't know...I'm just speaking as a parent who would want to hear the truth from my child. I most certainly will pray for you.....matter of fact...here goes:
Dear Gracious heavenly Father, I come to you with a deep hurt on my heart. Lord when I read the pain in this post my feelings are crushed...crushed that this child can not feel at ease to speak to adults and get the help she needs. I'm crushed to hear the fear that is so present. You have provided for that fear and I know that there is a way out. I pray that you make Your love very real to this child. Even if she has to go to the new place, I ask that you send someone with the truth to her. Give her hope that You can do that. Comfort her in her pain and lead her to the true answer. Help her know that there are those out there that will share with her and can be trusted. Thank you that you hear us and not only that you give us this compassion but that Your compassion far surpasses anything we could ever show. I love you, Lord. In Jesus Name, Amen

Re: My fate is undecided
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jan 22 01:24:58 2002 (#711)

(((((((KAT))))))))
I don't really know what to say. I agree with Linda though, let your parents see the "real" you.
Even if you get sent away again, my bet is that if
they didn't love and care about what happens to you, they wouldn't even try to help you. And inside, they are probably hurting so much they
may not know how to talk to you either. You will do what you feel you need to, but which ever way
you choose to go know that you have my support.
Keep me posted on how you are doing and what is
going on in your life. You're very special to me
and I want you to be okay. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: My fate is undecided
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 22 04:55:55 2002 (#714)

hey KAT...
just want to let you know that i really care about you...and i hope the best for you....i really really hope things work out. i just want to tell you that even though i don't think that your parents should have searched your room it is a good thing to get things in the open...i guess..i hope things work out....
take care...hugs..love julie

monday
Posted by cindy on Mon Jan 21 20:46:08 2002 (#709)

a good friend of mine was just expelled from school for doing drugs...I dont know what 'm going to do without him...he used to sit in my history and english lessons just stroking my leg to make me feel better...I always let him see my cuts-dont know why I just trusted him I suppose. and now he's gone. and I feel like shit. my moods are eve more irratic than usual-although that's probably a good thing-it's better than feeling nothing-except now everyone just thinks i'm back to smoking which I'm not. one minute I'm deleriously happy the next I'm breaking the compact mirror in my pocket so that I can cut myself. I see people are starting to worry and I dont like it. well all I can say is at least I still believe in 'god'. hmm shall I explain? yeh why not...I'm a non-practising hindu-I was brought up a lutheran but I can only these days feel a great sense of unity-I know that ultimately I am part of the ultimate ground of all existence and that pain is only temporary no matter how real it feels to me-it is only illusion. that does comfort me. I know that even if I fuck up this life my 'soul' will still be eventually redeemed in future reincarnations. hey enough of the hinduism. basically I feel sucky and I'm going to go cut myself. take care of yourselves...
cindy
xox

Sad News guys
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jan 22 01:34:18 2002 (#712)

Well, Tara cut herself today. First she got fired
from her job then she went home and called me. I
ask her to come over, she did and we talked. She
told me she had taken an antidepressent. After she
went back home, she called again and was crying.
That's when she told me she cut both arms again.
We both cried and I told her to be sure her boyfriend knows that it had nothing to do with him. Now I'm made at him cause he told her that if
she cut again either she was leaving or he was!!!
What kind of love is that?!!!!!! His excuse was he
doesn't like seeing her hurt herself, that he loves her too much to see that happen! Can you
believe that crap!! I'm just plain ticked off at him. Okay,okay, now I'm calmed down. I just can't
understand why people don't get it. When I see
people treat Tara differently cause of the cutting, I understand so much more about how all of you feel. WHY DON'T THEY SEE WHAT THEY DO TO
YOU GUYS!!! Gonna get down from my soapbox now and
ask for prayers from ya'll for Tara. She's really
upset about the job thing and thinks she is
worthless cause she can't seem to hold down one.
Pray for her please. Take care all.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Sad News guys
Posted by Strider on Tue Jan 22 03:54:42 2002 (#713)

Oh God.. tell Tara that I hope she's ok, and that I'll pray for her for sure. Please help her as much as you can.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Sad News guys
Posted by jes on Tue Jan 22 15:57:52 2002 (#716)

Dawn, i'm really sorry to hear that, i thik that people tend to react the total opposite of the right way most of the time and it's not fair. but then, half the time, they don't know what they're doing, but that doesn't make it any easier, i know. so..i'm not quite sure of the point of this, another pointless rant i'm sure. tell tara i'll be thinking of her (even though i don't think she know me) and that, as you and everyone else has told me so many times. it's just a setback, not a failure.
love xxxx

Re: Sad News guys
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 16:33:36 2002 (#719)

Rhonda, *TARA*..I'm so sorry things are going so down right now. Not having a job, especially when times are tough is a very very depressing, discouraging thing, but Tara has wonderful people like you Rhonda, in her life to help her through it.
I don't usually pray but these days I've allowed myself to let the GOD to my understanding in my heart and accpet me and I too accept "him" and say a few prayers for those that are in my life and those of you here that I feel need an extra push in the right direction (including me).
I hope that Tara gets back on her feet and doesn't let a bump in the road slow her down from getting on with her wonderful life. She's so lucky, and thats just the beginning of it, to have such a loving understanding mother who will help her with anything. Thats what a mother should do, and I look up to you Rhonda for being the mother we all wish we had. I love my mother dearly, yet her mistakes that she has made in the past has severly hurt me and my brothers life's tremendously, we've all accepted her wrongs, just as we accept our own though.
Tara..Please don't get to discouraged, ou're a strong willed person and you can handle this.
Take care always, love KAT

Re: Sad News guys
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Tue Jan 22 18:48:20 2002 (#722)

Rhonda,
I am so sorry to hear about Tara, I got pretty wound up reading about her boyfriend.. that is no way to treat a person.
I dont know what else to say really, My prayers and thoughts are with you and tara..
send her my love...
Love Roses and Empathy
CriMsOn*TeaRS

Re: Sad News guys
Posted by Amanda on Tue Jan 22 19:14:14 2002 (#723)

Rhonda im so sorry to hear that. send my love to tara, ill be hoping for her. my b/f used to say stuff like that to me, but when we talked about it he admitted that he would never be able to do it. from my humble opinion if he loves her then he only says it to help and proberbly would never carry out the threat.

i hope tara is ok, and i hope she can see that this was only a set back and can be over come. she has shown so much strength that i know she can do it.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Re: Sad News guys
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 23 02:39:41 2002 (#724)

Thank you all so much!!I can always depend on all
of you to lift me up and lighten my burdens. That's why I love all of you. Tara is doing
better today. The prayers helped but she is going
back to see her therapist next week sometime. I
know he will help her as he always has. You will
all never know how much you have come to mean to
me. Thanks again. Take care everyone.
Love, Rhonda