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Threads 151 to 175

Strange
Posted by Maggie on Fri Jan 11 08:50:11 2002 (#544)

I'm strange. I feel the most satisfied with my life that I have ever been, yet I can feel the inception of a new biochemical imbalance in my brain. I have been away from the board because I was staying with a friend in San Francisco and escapading around Las Vegas. They are both awesome places! I was so happy yet kept spacing out into some depressive sub-world. These appeared like deep daydreams to my friend who got really worried. I had this illusion that I had was drinking my Cerebrospinal fluid from little vents in my cheek. And then I thought i had drunk it all coz I got a bad headache and my friend thought I was nuts. And for the next hour I was a zombie looking at everything in slow motion and through a hazy screen. It has happened 3 times in the last 4 days. I can't control it and it scares me. So I started cutting again which helps me feel more in control of my body, but I don't really wanna start up the habit after working so hard to stop.
Told you I'm strange.

Luv Maggie.

Re: Strange
Posted by Nuni on Fri Jan 11 20:42:32 2002 (#545)

You're not strange. You're you. You do and see things through you ONLY. Without influence. Hold on, the dizzy feeling happens so fast and it passes. I see FUZZY stuff around people before I hear he snap. have you ever heard the snap?? I love you my dear Maggie. We are alright. A little off our rocker we may be, but not STRANGE.

driving me crazy
Posted by Erin on Fri Jan 11 23:07:21 2002 (#546)

All I've thought about the last few days is cutting. Its been almost a week since I did it and I'm going insane!!!!!! It was bothering me today and my one friend kept bugging me what was bothering me so I told her and she said if I do it, she'll send me to a mental hospital. *shakes head* she dont really know how bad it is...and how it is to be addicted and everything. I dont know if she really understands actually. wish my bf was with me right now

Re: driving me crazy
Posted by Amanda on Sat Jan 12 18:18:24 2002 (#551)

i TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. i feel like that sometimes. all i can say is that your friend proberbly is trying to help. and if she doesnt know what its like, then try talking to her. it might help.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

just a question
Posted by cindy on Sat Jan 12 00:31:06 2002 (#547)

okay so I go to school in britain so this question mainly goes out to those in the uk (but obviously other imput is very welcome!). I've had enough of what I'm going through and I was considering talking to the reverand at my school about it all-not that I'm religious it's just that he's the school councillor, my teacher and someone who I trust utterly and I'm far too scared to talk to a doctor. the only thing is I'm really worries that British laws or whatever would oblige him to tell the school and my parents-which is something I couldn't deal with at the moment-I mean is there like a point at which he would have to tell? like, for example if it were clear that I was a danger to myself? any answers would be gratefully received as I'm very torn at the moment. thanks. cindy xox

Re: just a question
Posted by diana on Sat Jan 12 18:02:27 2002 (#549)

im from the us, but usually everywhere the rule is, if you're under the age of 18 and your in danger of yourself or someone else, then they will notify your parents about it. because im 15 and that happened to me. how old are you?

Re: just a question
Posted by Amanda on Sat Jan 12 18:16:34 2002 (#550)

im from the uk, if you talk to a teacher, they can tell your parents. if you talk to a qualified counsellor who is working as one, they would not tell your parents. a friend will do as they see right. i would reccomend going to see your doctor, i did. he/she can reffer you to a counsellor who, for definate, will not tell anyone. the only time a counsellor will tell someone is if they think you are a seriouse danger to yourself or those around you.
the best thing you can do is ASK. if you see a counsellor at school, ask if what you say is confidential. if they say no then you dont have to talk to them.

Hope that helped.
Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Re: just a question
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 12 18:36:15 2002 (#553)

i'm in the uk and i'n pretty sure tha what amanda said was right. Teachers or the like don't have to keep your confidence or anything like that if they don't want to (although i would like to add that i had a BRILLIANT teacher who listened without telling) but someone like a doctor can't tell. or if you have a school nurse, that's worth looking into too. so yeah, doctors, counsellers and nurses aren't allowed to tell unless it's extreme circumstances, ie, ur gonna kill your self.
xx

It's over
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 12 17:56:15 2002 (#548)

It's all over...cutting is gone. I can't get it back to what it use to be, so whats the point in even trying right? I feel like I've abandoned someone so special to me. I feel like a shit. If the time arises in the future where I need to cut, I will do just that, quite happily actually. But in the meantime, done and done.

Look on the bright side is suicide.

Love, Alana

PS I'm alone sitting with my broken glass....its a SHAME the glass is useless. For fucks sake.

Re: It's over
Posted by elle on Sat Jan 12 18:32:31 2002 (#552)

i love you. that happened to me. it took a long time, but its back. i thought it would never be, but now, its like i can get to that state withouht even having to be thinking and doing it 24/7.

~elle~

unimportant
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sat Jan 12 21:31:14 2002 (#554)

i love the way that no one ever replies to my posts anymore, i like being ignored it makes me feel wanted

Re: unimportant
Posted by elle on Sat Jan 12 22:27:54 2002 (#556)

.::ignoring CRIMSON::.

jk hun, i love ya.

Re: unimportant
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sat Jan 12 23:41:30 2002 (#558)

thanks elle I love you too, infact I love you all Im just being an ungrateful bitch, Im sorry everyone :(

Re: unimportant
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jan 13 20:26:44 2002 (#567)

You're not being ungratful,but sometimes I don't
post cause I don't know what to say. Does that
make any sense? Since I don't cut, I can't understand why ya'll do so I guess I feel maybe
I shouldn't say anything. Maybe I'll just say
"I'm thinking of you" or something like that. I'm
sorry I haven't been posting back and I'll really
try harder. Here's a (((((((((HUG))))))))) for
you. Take care.
LOve, Rhonda

I'm ready to fucking kill someone.
Posted by laura rose on Sat Jan 12 21:53:26 2002 (#555)

UGH!!! I'm having a really shitty day.

First of all, I brought my car in to be fixed this morning. I've heard really good things about this place. What started out as a $400 repair job is now at 663 dollars and rising.. They say there are other things that need to be done to it... which is true, and they aren't charging me labor. But 63 dollars for a bolt?!?! C'mon.

On top of that, my paycheck yesterday was tiny due to all of the days off I had during the holidays (unpaid holidays).

THEN.. I get something in the mail from Washington Mutual saying that I owe them $600 for a debt my ex-husband never paid...

But wait, there's more...
THEEEEEEEN... I get a letter from the Division of Child Support saying that the state is taking my child support checks every month (which is another $400 dollars a month out the window).. because I owe them $900. Which is true, but they told me I could make payments, not that they were going to take my money..So basically, I'm broke, I can't pay my bills, my rent and I can't even buy groceries.

The day from fucking hell
~laura rose

Re: I'm ready to fucking kill someone.
Posted by elle on Sat Jan 12 22:30:37 2002 (#557)

Laura,
I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help, but with only about $330 in my bank account right now, all I can do is wish you luck. i really wish i could make it better. you dont deserve this.
~elle~

Re: I'm ready to fucking kill someone.
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jan 13 20:30:39 2002 (#568)

I hope you days get better. I know about the car
thing, mine started at around $300 and ended up
being close to $600!!!!!!! Now I have to sit down
and figure up my totals for my day care for taxes.
I hate that. Anyway, Hope it goes better this week. I'll say a prayer for you. Take care.
Love, Rhonda


Posted by on Thu Jan 1 01:00:00 1970 (#559)

Re: impossibly lonely....
Posted by elle on Sun Jan 13 15:16:22 2002 (#561)

ok, part of me knows i shouldnt be posting this, but in this life, you will always feel that way. the love of humans is in no way comprable to the love you will accept from Jesus Christ. every human is flawed, and incapable of pure, unjudgemental love. i think if you talk to Linda or someone who can explain it better, it might make you feel better. it gives you hope, to know that if you accept your lonliness now, for eternity you will be loved...

~elle~

Re: impossibly lonely....
Posted by jue on Mon Jan 14 02:11:47 2002 (#574)

first off Linda and i do not see Jesus in the same way. i believe that each day and each moment we must be making choices to keep Christ in our lives and if we fail to do that and do not ask for forgiveness he will leave us. Linda believes that if we just accept him he will be there forever and we can do anything after that and end up in heaven. yes the divine love comes from God and only God. but we can lose it. i am not right and i have lost it. i feel it isn't worth wasting my time not doing anything. so that leaves me to get right or kill myself now and end the suffering yet to go on to never ending suffering. but what if i suffer here and never get right and still go on to everlasting suffering. not a pretty picture. so why waste time here?

Re: impossibly lonely....
Posted by elle on Mon Jan 14 23:28:38 2002 (#584)

i dunno. maybe youll find out in the future. cause you are a good person? cause u have helped me through the rough times? cause even if you dont believe me, you have meant something to me, and you will mean something to others in the future? do you have pets, to take care of them? to find the love of your life? who knows?

~elle~

Re: impossibly lonely....
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 15 21:55:04 2002 (#602)

thanks elle that made me smile:)
hugs...julie

One more time/same as 2 before
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 15 20:14:09 2002 (#596)

How could I have missed this thread! Oh Jue! How I wish you understood! If you say that God leaves you when you do wrong, you put Him on the same level with humans. What good is that?? I think we discussed this before and I am very adamant to defend this belief because I think it is such a tool of Satan to bind you and keep you away from the sweet fellowship of the Lord. The Bible tells us that...If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold all things become new....For the longest time I did not understand that because I didn't see it played out in my own life. But diligent study of the scriptures will give the understand ing that at the time we accept Jesus to take our place before God's throne, He gives us a new nature. Before that time we have absolutely NO chance of being right. Our old man ALWAYS has ulterior motives. The new man that we are given only pleases God. When we accept Jesus, that does not mean that we get a new body. Oh how I wish that were true. We will deal with our sinful bodies until death. So, consequently, there is war going on between what the Holy Spirit is leading us to do and what our sinful nature wants. This is our job. We must yield to the leadership of the Holy Spirit. If you never read your Bible or communicate with Him in prayer, nor go to church to hear a man of God give you a message, then you do nothing to feed "the new man" and "the old man" is stronger. The work of the Holy Spirit is hindered in our lives when we only feed our mind with the world and the things that are so definitely against His will for us. Mind you.....our salvation is secure.....not because of what we do but because of what He did. Jesus sacrifice was not only enough to save us but enough to keep us saved. If we had to have Him to rescue us for eternity and He was the only one that could do it, why then would He turn over to us the job of keeping us rescued? Does that make sense? So, this is what I believe that scripture will teach you. If you accept Jesus, He eternally saves you. If, after salvation, you continue in sin and see no evidence of the Holy Spirit in your life, then you evidently did not give it all to Him. Remember the verse I started with..."If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature......" Another words, if you have truly accepted Jesus salvation then there WILL be a desire to do what is right. We are still able to drift away from His presence as we feed our minds and bodies with things that are contrary to His leadership but we will NEVER lose the precious gift of salvation.
I know I am very passionate about this but only because I spent so many years in the pit of despond, trying to figure out if I was saved or not because I didn't feel like my life was a picture of the new creature. I needed someone to sit me down and say exactly what I have just said to you. Don't let Satan win the victory in your life. If you have truly accepted Jesus' sacrifice for your sins, then you DO have the power over sin. You just need to use it. One of the tricks that Satan uses is to overrate his power in our lives and we believe that???????? Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.

Re: One more time/same as 2 before
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 15 21:53:39 2002 (#601)

Linda i emailed you. i don't believe God will leave us but we leave Him. if we leave He doesn't come with us BUT if we want to come back He will be there for us like pink girl said.
the rest is in the e-mail.
take care julie

what is boarderline personality disorder?
Posted by hey on Sun Jan 13 04:23:44 2002 (#560)

i've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but i really don't understand it. i kinda blanked out when they were telling me what it was all about because i really didn't want to hear it. but now i am curious so please respond.

Re: what is boarderline personality disorder?
Posted by elle on Sun Jan 13 15:20:39 2002 (#562)

http://www.mhs anctuary.com/borderline/

http://ww w.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd. html

ok thank u elle
Posted by hey on Sun Jan 13 17:00:33 2002 (#564)

i just wanted to say thank you because i understand it now that i really actually wanted to understand it

raghhhhhh
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sun Jan 13 16:18:51 2002 (#563)

im on a flip side i think im going insane

Re: raghhhhhh
Posted by pink girl on Sun Jan 13 18:53:24 2002 (#565)

i feel exactally that same.

dont worry, we all are *NM*
Posted by elle on Sun Jan 13 19:40:37 2002 (#566)

venting...and unanswerable questions
Posted by Amanda on Sun Jan 13 23:04:09 2002 (#569)

i feel more alone than ever before, like im not wanted any where. all i want is to feel accepted somewhere. but im not because im not worth it, i never have been and proberbly never will be. i cant find my place in this world...do i even have one?? part of me wants to continue my search for my place where ill b happy, but part of me thinks why bother? i wont find it. everthing seems so hopeless and bleak. its like im lost in a maze, at the dead of night, nothing and no-one around me except useless, mindless, non existing thoughts. thoughts of nothing and thoughts of everything. a will to live and a need to die. if i carry on, trying to find my place what if i dont find it?? and if i do.. what if i dont like it? what if my place is living in a dank hole hating myself for eternity? could i live like that? would it be anydifferent from how i feel inside now? yeah it would...i wouldnt have other people interfearing with my feelings. id be able to just get on with it. but do i want that? truthfully....i dont know anymore. maybe i do maybe i dont. i know that i want to want happiness. and sometimes i do want it but not always. another thing im sure of...i need to be happy. that doesnt mean i want it though, i just know i need it and i SHOULD want it. if my best mate sam lived like i do, hating herself id do everything in my power to stop her feeling like it. id do everything to make her happy. so why cant i do that for myself? why cant i be my own best friend insetead of being my own worst enemy? how is it that i hate seeing others unhappy yet when i myself am hurting inside its of no importance. how did i end up like this? i look back, trying to see if there was a definate moment when i suddenly stopped caring. but then again im not sure if i ever cared much about myself. was there ever a time when i put myself first, without a thought for anyone else? i dont know. have i ever done anything to change the way i live???? i suppose seeing this counsellor is a start. maybe ill learn to want and learn to love and learn to ask for help. im trying to decide how i feel. i have so many emotions running through me right now. sadness as im apart from those i love, emptyness as where i live does not feel like home, anger as a friend died on saturday and he didnt deserve that, more sadness as sam is sad about isaac(the guy who died) i feel like i dont confor to what society expects me to, so now i will suffer endlessly. i wish so much i could change my life. i wish i could rid myself of my scars and never again feel this way. i wish i could love and care about myself. i wish i could understandwhy i do what i do. i dont know why i do it anymore, and i want to know. why cant i be normal(what ever that is!) why cant i be happy? why cant i understand my own thoughts? if i cant do these things i might as well be dead. there is no point in living unhappily when i can die and feel nothing. surely it is better not to feel than to feel this? but what is beyond this life? eternal nothing? eden? hell? do any of these exist? (pls dont tell me about religion, i dont have one and i dont want one) will i ever find out if these exist? if so when? and do i have a right to choose when? does anyone? i have so many qyuestions and so few answers. i feel like a dove without wings, unsure what to do, unsure if the wings were ever there, and if i find the wings would i know how to use them? if i could change my life, would i? would i want to live with out the experience of this? would i be who i am now if this went away? if not then who would i be? do i want to be that some one? so many questions and no where to find any answers.

so i went on for so long.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Alright, so its not over yet
Posted by Alana on Sun Jan 13 23:11:58 2002 (#570)

I'm not down with it being over...so I will do anything in my power to make sure it doesn't end yet. I'm fine, I really am, more stable and "ok" than I've ever been...or so I think, but I just can't let go of something that has seen me through the worst. How can I do that? I don't want to, I'd feel bad.

My plan for tonight: Cut and burn till I die from the pain.

That's that.

Love, Alana

be careful
Posted by elle on Mon Jan 14 01:45:25 2002 (#572)

be careful, i love ya. take it slowly. know itll be there for you when you need it.

~elle~

confused and lonely
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Mon Jan 14 01:42:34 2002 (#571)

I am on a pretty big downer now, I have bad PMT, my stomach is killing me, and I ended up telling my best friend to F*** off, she has taken it really offensively and is coming to collect all of her things from my house tomorrow, she hates me now.
Also, there is this guy in my life, I love him to bits, and I know that he likes me alot, we were kind of seeing each other but not officially, all was going really well, except I did not know where I stood for sure, or what he actually wanted from me. So, I asked him, I told him that I didnt like being in a situation where I did not know where I stood. He told me, that as much as he would love to be in a relationship with me, that it was unlikely, because of the age difference, I am 15, he is 23... he says that it does not bother him, and it is just his parents that would flip at the thought of him dating someone so young in comparrison, but I dont know. That upset me alot, we are now stuck, I do not want to stop seeing him because I like him so much, but I feel left with no choice, for I know that if I do carry on seeing him, that I will end up even more depressed as I know that I cant have him. I hate life, I am so lonely, it sucks I dont know what to do, I feel like shit, why do things never turn out? I wish I just had someone that loved me for who I am, and did not care about petty things such as age differences, although I can understand why he cant be with me as I am technicly a minor, if he really cared what his parents thought, then he wouldn't have got involved with me in the first place right?
Love
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: confused and lonely
Posted by elle on Mon Jan 14 01:55:36 2002 (#573)

first, i hope you feel better soon.

and i mean, think about it from his point of view too...he could be criminally prosecuted no matter whether is was all consensual or not. would you wnat that for him? if its meant to be, then it will happen in the future. when you get older the age difference wont matter as much, and even if you loose contact now, you can get back in touch when you are older. i know lots of couples who are more than 8 years apart. use this time now to explore and figure out where your life is going and what you really want to do with it.

you can ignore me if you want, haha. i hope your stomach feels better, and i bet you will fix things with your friend. my best friend and i used to go through things like that all the time. now we laugh about how silly we both were. like one time, i was sitting on her as we were watching a movie, and i said "you are comfy as a couch" and she thought i meant she was as fat as a couch. and i was at her house and i ended up spending the night on her front lawn, since i couldnt tell my mom to come pick me up at like 3am. it was so pathetic, but at the time, i thought i would never talk to her again. i thought that she was the biggest bitch and we would never be friends again.
owell, things work themselves out. hang in there.

~elle~

ijustneedtogetitallout
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 14 02:56:45 2002 (#575)

To whomever is willing to listen, this is what I have to say. It's not going to be poetic, beautiful, simple, or make anyone else happy. But if you're willing to listen I thank you. My past...it lives in the present. I can't rid myself of it. Stuff has happened that I'm not proud to talk about, but I'm afraid if I don't that I'll lose myself someday..sooner than I thought. I don't share too much with anyone. I've pretty much closed myself off from everyone who was willing to listen to me, and help me through whatever it was that was dragging me away by the hair, kicking and screaming. So...here goes. I was 7 yrs old. How can a 7 yr old defend themselves? How can they understand? How can they forget? It's my own fault for what happened 10 yrs ago...I blame myself completely. If it weren't for my own curiousity I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. My cousin...I let him ruin me. By me not opening my mouth about what happened upstairs in the middle bedroom for that year, I've completely fucked myself over. Penetration? Why does everyone ask that...like it would make a difference if he did or not. He still made me feel completely worthless. So no, he didn't penetrate...not with his penis anyways. For the main reason I think because he wouldn't know what to do with it if he did. I think this is why I'm so picky when it comes to sex. I just don't want it really. Not right now. Why would I want to feel worthless again? Why would I want to be laughed at again? WHy the hell would I want the pain? He touched me and made me touch him, everyday, for a year. After awhile you just become immune to it, it was a routine. Unfortunately you aren't immune to the pain forever...it creeps up on you every once in awhile. Somedays he'd bring my other older cousins upstairs. Some would touch, others would just watch. I am nothing. I became nothing 10 yrs ago, and I will remain that forever. The sad thing about it is that I don't think he even remembers. I don't think he remembers my silent tears, I don't think he remembers how empty and numb I was after it had gone on for awhile, most of all I don't think he remembers me digging my nails into my face.

Thats when it started, SI began.

This is where it ends. SI will end when I die, and I've been planning my suicide for over a good 6 months now. Not budging...I haven't told a soul...oh but its coming. Quicker than I realized.

- ALANA

Re: ijustneedtogetitallout
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Jan 14 03:06:27 2002 (#576)

I'm sorry I don't know what to say. I can't say I
know how you feel cause I don't but I don't want
you to think I don't care. I do care. It would be
nice to be able to snap your fingers and make
everything bad go away, but it doesn't work that
way. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you know how many people here care about what happens
to you. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: ijustneedtogetitallout
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Mon Jan 14 14:57:15 2002 (#578)

Alana,
I am so sorry to hear about what has happened in your past, and I know that sometimes things are hard to forget, in your case it has obviously proven impossible, and I am by no means surprised by that.
You have been through alot, I dont know what to say, your story is shocking.
Please take care of yourself, we all love you no matter what, you know that no one here is going to judge you or blame you for anything, we are always here to help, just as you have helped so many others with your posts.
Take care Alana.
Love always,
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: ijustneedtogetitallout
Posted by Linda on Mon Jan 14 21:00:02 2002 (#582)

Alana...I can not even begin to tell you the myriad of emotions your post stirred in me. #1...I wanted to reach out and hug you! I get very angry when I hear of young children being molested. Do you understand that you needed guidance at 7? I remember so well the times that my curiosity got the best of me. I had a brother just younger than I and we played "doctor" a couple of times.....but do you know what kept us from continuing that exciting journey into the forbidden????? The fact that we had parents that would discipline us when we did wrong. I want to know where your parents were when this was going on. Yes, you were curious at 7 and yes it was normal to be that way. Yes, you had a right to stand up and say I don't want to do this anymore BUT....I don't know what the situation was. How old was your cousin? I do not feel that you should shoulder all the blame in this. I want you to know that I understand and I believe that there is hope for you to continue your life in a very productive manner. There is relief from the past. I will let you email me if you want to hear what I have to say. Hope to hear from you!

Linda....
Posted by elle on Mon Jan 14 23:40:25 2002 (#586)

your response hurt me, and i think it will, if not hurt Alana, not help her either. She was 7. when you are seven you have no control. that is NOT NOT NOT NOT her fault in anyway, she carries none of the blame. that is part of the reasoning behind the statuatory rape laws. you DO NOT understand. you DO NOT know. you fall victim, even when you think you are in control. she bears NONE of the blame for what was done to her. i hope you understand this. if you are told by someone that there is nothing wrong with it, then you believe them. if your parents told you it was wrong you believed them. if her cousin told her it was right, she believed him in the same way. she was taught against her instincts that it was acceptable. being raised in society shows the perversity of what happened and she then realizes her instincts were right. but no matter what age, what her knowledge, it was not her fault. i hope you understand this. and alana, i hope you can learn to believe this.

~elle~

Re: ijustneedtogetitallout
Posted by elle on Mon Jan 14 23:32:24 2002 (#585)

i love you. i KNOw how you feel. believe me,...dont let him win this one too please. hold on to life. he may have take a lot but you kept your life, hang on to it sweetie.

~elle~

Re: ijustneedtogetitallout
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 15 01:06:11 2002 (#589)

Wow!!! Elle, you surprised me....I had to reread my post to see what you were talking about. I did not mean to infer that it was her fault at 7. I started out saying how mad it makes me when I hear of a child being taken advantage of. I went on from there meaning that it had already happened and SHE was dealing with the bad feelings. I was trying to console NOT hurt. I know that it was not her fault but she feels it was because she continued in it. She has to deal with those feelings.....it was the bad feelings I was talking about not her guilt in the actions. I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear.

Re: ijustneedtogetitallout
Posted by elle on Tue Jan 15 02:52:50 2002 (#593)

Linda, i know that you would never mean....

i just wanted to let you know that your words, even though no way directed at me, still hurt. the way it was phrased pushed to solidify the most horrible of ideas.

iamelleandsheismine.eni msiehsdnaellemai.

Alana, oh babe!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jan 15 22:42:18 2002 (#604)

Hey, I haven't visited here for ages, I just found out from Strider the New Address.

I didn't expect to come back here and hear such terrible things. You should not be planning you suicide, you should be looking to changing the future, not letting the past dictate you.

If it is the same Alana that was at the board when I was here a year ago then I just want to say what a wonderful you were when I was here, and it would be a shame for such a beautiful life (and yours has the potential, trust me) to be thrown away.

My email address is nicke1uk@hotmail.com.

email me if you need me, I have difficulty posting new threads as the security is too high on my computer so email me hunny!!!

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

My dad...oh god
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 14 07:23:55 2002 (#577)

My dad...well he had a heartattack. Talk about being jolted back into reality.
I'm weird with my family. I show absolutely no compassion for them whatsoever. I put up these barriers in order to stay safe and pain free. Well its that way with my sister and my dad, cuz they've hurt me. My mom on the other hand has a beautiful soul...I show semi-compassion for her.

I'm a strange one. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, and worry about him, but I'm not crying over it. Am I numb or what?

ALALALALALALALALANA

Re: My dad...oh god
Posted by melz on Mon Jan 14 18:18:17 2002 (#579)

I dont like my parents, I wouldnt cry if one of them got hurt, it may seem cold hearted, but i just dont like them. Yes, i talk to them and stuff, and we live in the same house but thats about it.

Re: My dad...oh god
Posted by Erin on Tue Jan 15 02:25:20 2002 (#591)

thats exactly how I am

Re: My dad...oh god
Posted by elle on Mon Jan 14 23:42:26 2002 (#587)

give him my best wishes

~elle~

Re: My dad...oh god
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 16 02:14:02 2002 (#608)

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he gets
better soon. You're not weird, and yes you just might be numb, from shock. When my beloved grandpa
had his heart attack, I didn't cry for 3 or 4 days
because I couldn't believe it had happened. I only
cried when he had to have open heart surgery to
save his life. Even then I couldn't go to the hospital for a day or two cause I was scared. Please remember that I will say a prayer for you
and your father. I really hope he recovers. Take
care of yourself in the meantime. YOu're important
also.
Love, Rhonda

Isaac.....i miss u
Posted by Amanda on Mon Jan 14 19:19:06 2002 (#580)

y is it a young attractive guy, only 15 years old died on saturday? why is it he was cursed with a brain tumor that caused him to suffer for months on end. putting his family through pain and hurt. even when the girl who loved him declared her love, it brought new hope to him and only a week later he died. Sam loved that guy, she thought nothing of anyone but him...and now she has lost that. and where is her best friend??? shes sat at home in floods of tears, unable to confort her friend and unable to understand why that amazingly gentle, kind, beautiful young guy was taken away from those that loved him. he kept himself alive for so long then when everyone thought there was a little more hope, that was snatched away from him. he may be at peace and in a better place, but what about those left behind, his brothers, his sister, his mother and father and his first love. she loved that guy so much, she still does and im no where near her to help her. i just wanted to be able to hug her and tell her that im there for her. but i cant because i havnt got the money to go and see her. why can the world be so cruel. he didnt deserve to die. now im thinking that maybe im cursed, thats the second of my friends to die in the last six months....whos next???!!!???its so unfair that he was taken away from us in that way. he was made to suffer for nothing. he was so strong, he was told when first diagnosed that he would only live a few months, but he help on for so long. then the doctors thought he wouldnt make it through christmas but he did, that was the best christmas present he could give his family, then on saturday he slipped away from all of us. never again to see his loves face, never to hear how proud his mum was of him and never again to be surrounded by the laughter of his friends.

Sorry i needed to get that out.
Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Isaac, youur memory will live on in my heart, and in the hearts of all those that loved you, especially sam's

Re: Isaac.....i miss u
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Mon Jan 14 20:08:45 2002 (#581)

Who is Issac Amanda?..
I read your post, it is tragic and awful that such things can happen to such people.
I guess we will never understand why, but that is life.
I hope you are feeling ok sweetheart, my prayers are with you, Issac, and his love.
Take care, thinking of you.
Love CriMsOn*TeArS

Isaac was and is...
Posted by Amanda on Mon Jan 14 22:22:10 2002 (#583)

he's a guy that i went to school with. i moved a year ago so i havnt seen him since then. he was the best mate of my b/f at the time. we were good friends as he was going out with sam, we used to go on double dates all the time. he was one of the greatests guys i know. loved by so many. thank you for your support. it means a lot to me.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Re: Isaac was and is...
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 16 02:19:17 2002 (#609)

My prayers are with you and Isaac's friend. I
remember an old saying,"When God walks through the
garden, he picks only the prettiest flowers." That
implies (to me) that God wanted Isaac with him for
some reason. We don't understand why certain loved
ones have to die. I hope you get along okay and just remember, you can email me any time. Take
care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Isaac.....i miss u
Posted by Alana on Mon Jan 14 23:50:05 2002 (#588)

Sorry to hear that. I'll pray for you.

Stay Strong and smile for that gift of life you got to know and were close to.

Love, Alana


Posted by on Thu Jan 1 01:00:00 1970 (#590)

holy shit. I cant beleive it...
Posted by Erin on Tue Jan 15 02:27:26 2002 (#592)

I'm FINALLY unblocked from this web site. lol hahahahahahaha thats why I've been on the other one for soooooooo long. oh well. I bet I'll be blocked from it again soon. *sighs* lol

Re: holy shit. I cant beleive it...
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Tue Jan 15 21:46:26 2002 (#600)

well, goodluck!!!!

Re: holy shit. I cant beleive it...
Posted by *me* on Wed Jan 16 19:24:38 2002 (#618)

me too me too! this is the first day in like a week!


Posted by on Thu Jan 1 01:00:00 1970 (#594)


Posted by on Thu Jan 1 01:00:00 1970 (#595)

He's quickly dying
Posted by Alana on Tue Jan 15 21:26:06 2002 (#597)

First the heart attack....now he's had a stroke. My daddy is dying...and its happening so quickly. Someone tell me how to keep living after this. "I should be crying but I just can't let it show. I should hoping, but I can't stop thinking. All the things I should have said that I never said, all the things I should have done that I never did...make it go, just make it go away now." I want it to be me, not him. I love my dad, why is he leaving me so soon? I feel empty.

Alana :(

Re: He's quickly dying
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 15 21:35:04 2002 (#598)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Alana ))))))))))))))))))))) Wish I was there to hold you!!! Is your dad conscious? You could tell him you love him even if he isn't. I think that the unconcious hear...don't know if I am right but it might make you feel better. I will be praying for you.

Re: He's quickly dying
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Tue Jan 15 21:43:47 2002 (#599)

awww Alana.
I am so sorry to hear that, Id give you the biggest hug ever if I could, there is not alot else I can do, I will be praying for you and your father,
Take care.
Love
CriMOn*TeArs

Re: He's quickly dying
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 15 21:58:23 2002 (#603)

i'm sorry honey. i wish i could make it better. hugs and hope...julie

Re: He's quickly dying
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 22 17:12:25 2002 (#720)

Alana..I know it hurts to watch someone that you know as a love, as your father slowly die.
I watched my gandmother slwly die for years, all you can do is tell them how much they mean to you, and pray that things will be okay.
take care Alana..we're all here for you, and I hope your father turns out okay.
Bad health doesnt always necesarilly mean instant death.
love always KAT

zombie
Posted by cindy on Tue Jan 15 23:08:54 2002 (#605)

I'm turning into some weirdo zombie-but it's kind of funny. I have so many exams on at the moment that all I do is revise drink coffee and take caffeine pills-therefore my sleep is really uneven-even more than usual and my dreams are just super fucked up. I think this marks the moment where I'm going to stop being a real person for sure. I;ve become completely absored by the utter abstractations that are the stuff i'm studying-philosophy and religious studies can really mess with your head. does anyone find more depressed they get the less they care baout the way they look. I know it should be utterly manky but I dont think I've showered in over 2 weeks-my hairs matted but I really dont care. hmm now to reach a cohesive conclusion to this post. umm...it's funny when I say I'm depressed that just sounds so utterly wrong. depressed to me suggests a lowering of mood into the realms of complete all-absorbing sadness. I;m sure I've felt at least close to that at times but right now I just dont care. I couldn't care less if god exists, whether I'm going to get anywhere in life, if I wake up tomorrow morning etc. I suppose one upside of this zombie mood is I've also gone beyond rather bizarly wanting to cut myself for the moment-because(sorry to be repetitive) I just dont care. yeah of course it would hurt but I dont fucking care-it's feels exactly the same should I not cut myself...unfortunately though I get the feeling this'll probably fade...dammit...I was getting kind of used to me as the living dead...take crae of yourselves...cindy xox

Re: zombie
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 17 00:21:22 2002 (#630)

hey Cindy..hang in there.
after all the stuff is done and over with youll be alright, I hope !
cutting is like smoking it just gets worse and worse and it gets harder to stop..so start now to try and stop. ya know
take care, love KAT

please help me my thoughts r driving my mind away.
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 16 00:27:56 2002 (#606)

I couldnt give a fuck anymore, but when I look like shit I tend to feel like shit, so I care about my physical appearance alot, although I couldnt care less if I knew I was going to die this minute, I sleep wishing never to wake. It doesnt matter what I am doing, if I am with friends in a car, walking, at school, whatever, death is constantly on my mind, I dont see myself doing anything with my life, all I see for the future is pain and hurt, I dont know what emotional state that would be catergorised as, but Im pretty sure that any "stable" person doesn't constantly think up ways that they could die.
I think up the most bizarre things, I'll look at a tree and think how it could kill me, just imagine it crushing me slowly, and this satisfies me, I'll look at a bike and think that, everything I look at, everything I hear, always ends up with me thinking about death. When I sleep, my dreams are about death, last night I dreamt that I died in a house fire, and it terrified me, but I felt a sense of peace within it, Oh I dont know, can anyone tell me what is going on in my head?. please, it is driving me insane, why do I want to die so badly? why am I so unhappy? why do I have these thoughts.. help me, please....

girl, interrupted
Posted by elle on Wed Jan 16 02:04:24 2002 (#607)

when you actually see death, dreamin about it seems fuckin ridiculous.

no lesson, no nothing intended, this just jumped into my mind

~elle~

Re: girl, interrupted
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 16 02:29:18 2002 (#610)

grow up elle you dont know me. I have seen death, and lots of it, so dont go pointing out your silly little things to me, the board is here for answers not people contradicting to each other about what is "ridiculas" or not, I said I have dreams about death, not that I dream of being dead, and yeh I said that I couldnt give a toss less about my life, I have reasons for that, if your not going to support the people on this board dont bother posting and fuck off.

Re: girl, interrupted
Posted by elle on Wed Jan 16 06:41:39 2002 (#612)

thats really not what i meant at all, i said it wasnt advice or anything. that quote just sprang to my head. i thought i said it wasnt directed at you. i dunno, i guess i didnt say what i was thinking. i dont know you and i dont pretend to. i wasnt contradicting you or trying to point things out. that was my thought and i dont fuckin care if you like it or not.

~elle~

Re: girl, interrupted
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 16 15:16:10 2002 (#615)

nor do I care, but I cant be arsed with people like you that think that everyone else should think how they think, because they dont, so dont bother replying to any of my posts in the future if all your going to do is call me riduculas.

Re: girl, interrupted
Posted by Aukee on Wed Jan 16 23:45:31 2002 (#624)

um, i dont care what you think about me, but you are FUCKING CRAZY. where do you get off thinking that she wrote about YOU, im sorry, but get your head out of your ass and stop being so concided. It was just a quote, if she wrote CRIMSON TEARS ~ and than the quote, than maybe you would have something to say, but just flipping out on elle, just because you assume that she wrote about you is... its stupid, its really immature, and i personly think you should grow up. Stop thinking that the world is directed at YOU.

thats really sad

aukee

Re: girl, interrupted
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Jan 17 02:49:08 2002 (#639)

oh fuck off aukee dont ever tell me to grow up.
for a 15 year old i am a hell of alot more mature than you, just leave it out and get out of my face.
it is nothing to do with you, if you want to pick a fight then go somewhere else, Im quite sure elle can fight her own battles without you trying to defend her.. who do you think you are???
fuck off child.

Re: girl, interrupted
Posted by Alana on Thu Jan 17 03:22:46 2002 (#645)

Its all about interpretation...which in this case is fucked up. The worst thing about the internet is that you can't hear someone's tone of voice...I hate it.

Cmon guys, don't let this get the best of you.

Love, Alana

crimson
Posted by Erin on Wed Jan 16 03:09:52 2002 (#611)

hey...I'm blocked from your reply to me...could you put it in another post or email it to me or something? thanks

now i remember
Posted by elle on Wed Jan 16 06:49:53 2002 (#613)

now i remember why i left here in the first place. its that feeling that people emit when they already have their minds made up about everything. they know what they want to hear even if they think they are open to opinions. i dont wanna get back into it. alana was always right. she was. bye

~elle~

Re: now i remember
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 16 08:26:34 2002 (#614)

i emailed you in case you don't check this.
hugs. and hope take care julie

Re: now i remember
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 16 15:20:32 2002 (#617)

if that post was a dig at me, No I didnt know what I wanted to hear as a response to my post, I wanted someone to help me, my post was a cry for help, and still is, then you came along and called me "fucking ridiculas" and No, I did not take kindly to that, all I wanted was someone to talk to me, and listen to me, but no, that was too much to ask for some people.

Re: now i remember
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 16 22:18:18 2002 (#622)

Your post stirred that thought in her and she just posted it with no thought as to how you would take it. It wasn't meant to be mean. Please forget it and don't take it as a challenge to you. We know that you were wanting help. Sorry no one else was on to help you.

Erin
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 16 15:17:59 2002 (#616)

I was just saying goodluck with not being blocked from the posts on here again, I guess my wishes for your goodluck didnt work hey?? *lol*
Love
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: Erin
Posted by Erin on Wed Jan 16 21:01:53 2002 (#619)

lol guess not. oh well.. at least I'm not blocked anymore..thanks for putting that into another message so I could see it

Re: Erin
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 16 21:53:38 2002 (#621)

thats ok, your very welcome :)