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Threads 76 to 100

i hate him!!!!!
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 20 01:44:02 2001 (#321)

i hate my dad god i hate him i hate him i hate him, he is the biggest asshole in the world...okay he got home from work and he was in a bitchy mood, and my dog was barking at something outside. he flips out and is all like if you bark one more time i am going to kick you...man if he did i was going to flip the fuck out at him. then i got downstairs to see my mom after she got home, and i duno my dad made some rude comment to me and i freaked, and all he said was i hope you dont plan on working for a livingcuz if anyone says anything to you, you will tak it as them picking on you, okay where the hell did that come from?! i was just like dad listen to yourself does it make you feel better when you make others feel like crap. this was just before dinner and i was so freaking hungry because i am so sick and cant really eat. my mom made me go down and eat..grr he pisses me off so fucking much. why did my mom ever go back to him, why the hell couldnt they have stayed seperated...she is so fucking stupid. i'm trying my hardest not to cut, i really am. because i cant, people will find out again, im not going to let that happen...i will not cut...i promise

Re: i hate him!!!!!
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Dec 20 03:44:18 2001 (#324)

awwwww... Kim (((((((((HUG)))))))))
I know just how you feel, my dads a bastard, he used to wind me up so much then Id say something back and he'd end up beating the fuck out of me, it got so bad that I had to testify against the wanker in court which wasnt a nice experience, but my moms divorced him now, although I cant go out on the streets and see him without him hurling abuse at me for no reason, its alot better than it was with him living with us.
I dont know what do say babes, I just hope that it helps to know that someone else has been through it all already, and is still here, and doing okish, just relax.. and dont say anything back to him.. just smile sweetly and think "yeh fuck face.. Im not gonna lower myself to your level and argue".. and he'll be soooooo much more annoyed than he would be if you argued, just sit there all smug and watch how the magik works!!Hope things are ok,
Love as always
CriMsON*TeArS

Re: i hate him!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Dec 20 07:39:54 2001 (#326)

Hi Kim, I'm so sorry life is so hard. But like you promised (yourself.. I Imagine) and I promise the stronger part of me.... ohhhhh I just remembered something, sorry forgot it.

Anyway...we do not have to let the situations of life pilot our responses.

When I was in college in a crisis intervention class we were taught that we need to respond to crisis NOT REACT To them.

I am going to find that place of peace within me and go there and not cut and hope you do the same.

hope i don't sound like a psychoanalyst here...
Posted by CryingRedTears on Thu Dec 20 17:13:27 2001 (#330)

okay-i'm gonna try my best to not sound like some wierd Freudian psychoanalyst here, but when i read your post one thought came to my mind: displacement. in terms of Freudian psychology, people use defense mechanisms in order to prevent their ids from being hurt. these defense mechanisms occur when something angers or sexually stimulates them and they can't do what they what to w/ that anger/sexual stimulation. example: a boy asks a girl for a date and she rejects him. he simply says 'that's okay-i didn't really like her anyways.' (this one is called reaction formation. there are 6.) instead of being hurt by the girl, he forms a reaction that he didn't really like her so that his id doesn't get hurt.
anyways-you said your dad came home in a bitchy mood so more than likely he was pissed off at his boss or coworkers. since it would not be okay for him to blow up at his boss or coworkers, he gets mad at you and your mom. he was displacing his anger on you guys.
okay-by no means am i a Freudian psychology follower. i think a lot of his methods and research were pretty much bullshit b/c 1)his theories violate the principle of falsifiability(you can't prove him wrong through empiracal evidence) and 2)he only studied women in mental distress so his theories were not very applicable for the general population.
anways-a funny thing about defense mechanisms-once you point them out, they don't work anymore. so if you feel strong enough (which you are), you could simply tell him in a really calm but not patronizing voice 'dad, i know you're not really mad at mom and I so i'm not going to get you anymore upset. i know you've just had a bad day at work and that you're displacing you're anger there to mom and I.'
if this doesn't work-i hope you feel better. i live in a house with constant bickering and verbal abuse and i know how much it sucks. good luck and stay safe-

you have just experienced a rather long mind dribble by:
brittany

Ok, its long but please read, Im so confused....
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Dec 20 03:35:31 2001 (#323)

Ok, well.. I recently got involved with this guy that had a girl.. and it got so so so messy, but I loved him to pieces, I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help my feelings for him, I couldnt say no when he'd come onto me etc.. and it caused to much trouble betwen me, his girlfriend, her friends, and alot more, he was constantly swopping between me and her, he couldnt make up his mind, then he told me that he was in love with me, which hurt alot because he wasnt mine, but then, he took his words back and said it was all infatuation, oh god it was such a mess, I was such a mess, I was so depressed it was bad, and now he has turned against me completely and ganged up with his girlfriend, to make me feel like complete shit, its not bothering me so much because I have realised now what a bastard he is, but I cant understand why he has done this to me?.. it makes me feel so worthless and pathetic, I feel so stupid for letting him walk all over me and then he just fucked me off, head held high and went back to her. Im kinda over that now though, but Ive got involved with someone else, he is such a lovely guy, but he too has a girlfriend.. why do I always get the guys that are already attached?.. Im so scared that its going to turn out like the one before, but this guy seems so different, he's so caring and compassionate, he's.. I dont know, he's just brillient, I dont know what to do, do I get out now? or what?.. Ive mentioned to him how I feel, how scared I am about it, how I dont want to get emotionally involved etc.. and he was so shocked to hear what the other guy did, I cant see how he could hurt me, argh Im babbling.. I dont know what to do please help Im so confused.
Love,
CriMsON*TeARs

Re: Ok, its long but please read, Im so confused..
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 20 18:53:07 2001 (#331)

okay, i am not going to tell you not to get involved with this guy. but just wait, wait until he decides if he wants to be with you or his girlfriend at the moment. try not to get attached to him now, wait until you know that he is only going to be with you...okay i am saying this out of love and warning...you and him must have something going on now you have told him how you feel, and i am guessing he has told you the same. he has a girlfriend and he is saying this to you. now what if he is with you and does the same thing with another girl. sorry i probably made you upset, sorry sorry sorry, i just wanted to warn you, i just dont want you to get hurt by another guy

Re: Ok, its long but please read, Im so confused..
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Dec 20 19:10:55 2001 (#332)

yeh thanks Kim, I realise that, I dont think there is any chance of him and his girl splitting up but he has said that I have made him reconsider his "so called relationship".. they have been together for 3 years, I know that he likes me alot, and I like him alot too.. I dont know what to do.
Love,
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: Ok, its long but please read, Im so confused..
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 20 20:47:49 2001 (#334)

Hi,
I hope you dont mind. But you did ask.. It's easier said than done... But my opinion on why you decide to get with guys that are taken.. well, as much as you would like to you dont have to commit to them. From what it seems it will be easier for you to accept that you are the one messing up because that type of guy charms. First, you dont deserve to be treated that way. You or his other girlfriend. Second, he is the scumbag for playing with both of you. Because it is what he is doing, taking advantage of you and your feelings. Third, and last, you set yourself up to get hurt. If you have to ask if should get out. The answer is pretty clear to me. I think you already know the answer. Sometimes the hardest decisions one has to make are for the best. You are already hurting. I think you wil do what is best. Take care!
Luv and a huge hug!
Nuni

Re: Ok, its long but please read, Im so confused..
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Dec 21 01:19:59 2001 (#335)

thanks Nuni,
I know what Ive got to do now.
CriMsOn*TeArS

should i tell?
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 20 15:52:58 2001 (#329)

i was just wondering if, when i eventually get an appointment with the head doc again, should i tell her that unless i'm stoned i can't sleep? it's like, last night, even after all of the walking i did, i couldn't sleep, it was 4 o'clock the last time i remember looking at the clock. on the odd occasion i can sleep but it's getting less and less natural and more and more herbal. it's not like i think i have a problem with the weed it's self, i don't NEED it. it's just that i've had problems with sleep for a long time and now that i've found someting that helps, it's illegal and she could think that i have a drugs problem. i dunno what to do. what could she do for me if i told anyway?
any input would be appreciated muchly :-)
xxx

Re: should i tell?
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Dec 21 02:23:06 2001 (#336)

Yes, Yes, Yes tell her. There are things that she
may be able to recommend to help you.If you need
meds, she can do that also. It's not good to go
without sleep. Your body needs it to stay healthy.
Tell her,Jes. Take care and I hope everything
works out.
Love, Rhonda

Re: should i tell?
Posted by jes on Fri Dec 21 04:07:16 2001 (#337)

hey, thanks. i think i will tell her. when i eventually get an appointment! it's now 3 AM and i can't sleep. it's not good. even if i did have a bed. grr, ok lil rant gonna go on here.......
i came over t my mums to stay the night after i'd already been and gone (which means i wasted nearly 4 hours on and waiting for buses because they get less frequent at night) only to find her twat of an ex here when i arrived. ('that's it, he's finished, i'm not wasting my time one hime any more') that i could handle. but when they both decided t go to bed, i realised i now have no bloody where to sleep because I SLEEP IN MY MUMS ROOM. i sleep in there because it's the only room with floor space. not too bad i thought, just sleep on the sofa. BUT OH FUCKING NO the spare quilt is.....can you guess?? IN MY MUM'S LOCKED BLEEDIN' BEDROOM, that's where. so now i'm sat here, freezing my ass off, with my only source of heat locked in what might as well be a sound proof bunker for all the good shouting would do with tem asleep.
GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
sorry, all finished now. love xxxx

Re: should i tell?
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 21 20:39:36 2001 (#338)

Hi jes,
Yeah... tell your Doc. I think things get worse when you go all sleep deprived. Remember, the only way you can feel out your Dr. is telliing him/her what is going on with you. He/She will do what is best for you. Take care,
Luv,\
Nuni

Re: should i tell?
Posted by star on Tue Dec 25 20:20:08 2001 (#357)

Aww! baby i coulda warmed you up lol if youd only asked, nah really thats mean baby love u so much if u need me u know where i am * id give my all to have one more night with you* soz listen to mariah carey!!! wierd huh! lol im pissed Amz xxx

Re: should i tell?
Posted by Emm on Fri Dec 28 00:31:54 2001 (#380)

Jo as you know hun, AMZ IS A BIG PISSHEAD!! lol, sorry, just trying to annoy her...shes my twin..i'm allowed!! hehe
i love you baby
emm xxx

Farewell
Posted by Psycho Groupie on Sat Dec 22 06:37:21 2001 (#339)

I'm going to die. We all will. I just want me to die tonight.

- Psycho Groupie Cocaine Crazy

Re: Farewell
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 22 18:23:50 2001 (#341)

Nobody can tell you to not kill yourself. Because basically you are going to do whatever you want. I hope you realize that whatever reason you have for dying probably wont seem so bad in a year, a mnth, a week, or even a day or two. I hope you change your mind, if you dont. Farewell to you as well. It isnt that I dont care, I do care. but I have felt strongly about that too. And as much stuff people say to me, the only thing that pulls me out of it is me.

Re: Farewell
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sat Dec 22 23:15:42 2001 (#343)

hope you are okay, if not, have a good afterlife, and I wish you luck, I hope things turn out well for you, you deserve it....
farewell...
Love,
CriMsOn*TeArs

nothing is good anymore...
Posted by kae on Sat Dec 22 11:58:58 2001 (#340)

hi guys...i havent posted in ages....theres been so much shit going down that i couldnt face the board and sure as hell couldnt offer advice to anyone.
my mum has started getting suspicious about my arms. its my own fault, i know...the scars are so big and red and raised...even though i spent $20 on a tiny bottle of pure vitamin E oil, it doesnt seem to be helping at all. the scars can be seen from a half a kilometre off. and its summer, here in new zealand....
how will i cope...this is such a mess, my folks can never know because they'd go berserk....nothing would ever be the same again. the only solution is to die...they cant interrogate me when im only a dead body...
nothing feels good anymore...i have nobody to talk to, nobody understands and nobody cares.

nobody knows me....not the real me....and as long as the real me has nobody to cry to...it will kill the other me...the me that everyone else knows...the me i want to be....but cant be.

fuck everything....i dont want to be here anymore.

kae

Re: nothing is good anymore...
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 22 18:26:43 2001 (#342)

Kae,
I am sorry you feel so rotten. I know its almost impossible to believe but there are people who care about you. your parents may not get it, but I am sure they will be concerned. I care about you, because you are letting us know that you are hurting. Maggie isnt here today to reply, but I know that if she were here she would tell you the same thing. That we care about you and we love you! Stay safe. Luv Nuni

Re: nothing is good anymore...
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sat Dec 22 23:18:04 2001 (#344)

Kae,
I hope you are alright, have you tried using some sort of cover-up on your scars? facial foundation works to a certain extent,
All the best.
Love CriMsoN*TeArs..
xx Love you xx

Re: nothing is good anymore...
Posted by Hughey on Mon Dec 24 01:41:01 2001 (#348)

you summed up exactly how i feel. I dont want to be here anymore either.

*religious* Merry Christmas
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 23 20:21:27 2001 (#345)

Happy Holidays! ok, I know. Some of you are thinking "hmmm, what is so HAPPY about it".. Well, I dont know. I am normally pretty depressed around this time of year. I try to not think about how GREAT things could be. But I am still with me. anyhow.. I want you all to know that its ok to feel SAD, or HORRIBLY depressed. Because you are loved. No matter what you think this season is, you are loved. If you feel its just too much, remind yourself. You are loved. The one single person that loves you more than you love you, and knows you (your pain) more than you know, is Jesus.. HE is the only reason for the season. I am glad I FINALLY figured it out. Maybe thats why I dont have the BLAHS this year. WE are loved. Merry Christmas to all my brothers and sisters here. I love you.
Nuni

Re: *religious* Merry Christmas
Posted by Linda on Sun Dec 23 21:31:52 2001 (#346)

((((((((((((((((((Nuni)))))))) )))))))))))))Bless you for warming my heart and bringing tears to my eyes!! Praise the Lord you figured it out! May the same Jesus that has given you new meaning to life continue to be allowed to work on this board with those who are willing to listen. And may He also continue to fill our hearts with love for those who choose to ignore His tender calls for their attention. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Re: *religious* Merry Christmas
Posted by *me* on Mon Dec 24 19:43:25 2001 (#349)

Thanks, Nuni. :-) Merrry Christmas to you, too. And to everyone!

Lots of love.

lonely & depressed
Posted by Erin on Sun Dec 23 22:43:52 2001 (#347)

Things have been really bad between me and my mom lately. on friday i went to my best friends house and spent the nite. (friday i didnt have school) so my mom spent most of the day making mine miserable. i didnt cut but i really wanted to. it was really hard not to. i was crying almost all day until my friend finally called me back and i went to her house. my mom didnt say much to me on saturday when I came back home. but today she was really getting to me earlier. I was trying to talk to my bf since I havent lately because he's been working a lot and she says I'm allowed to be online for an hour and after i was on for a half hour, she started yelling at me to get off. she's so stupid...she says i can go on for an hour and she acts like she never said that at all. *sighs* I spent most of the day sleeping so far. this saturday is me and my bf's 1 year anniversary and I decided to make a web site about how much I love him and how much he means to me and everything. I was working on it this morning and thats another reason why she pissed me off so much. i'm so depressed...i cant wait for my bf to get home so i can talk to him.

Re: lonely & depressed
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Tue Dec 25 13:14:19 2001 (#356)

hey...
Hope things are ok, congratulations for you and your boyfriend, even if your mother is being hard to get along with, you've always got him to talk to and to comfort you, and he sounds like he does the job well.
Goodluck with the website!
Love Always,
CriMsOn*TeArs

stuff
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Dec 24 23:49:44 2001 (#350)

merry christmas to everyone that celebrates it. it seems this year it going to be pretty okay. i'm actually happy. nothing could be as sucky as last years though. wow. so much has really changed. i have different friends. and it the past year my parents have seperated and gotten back together. it seems like it all took forever. oh well. bye all. much love.

randomness
Posted by *me* on Tue Dec 25 00:56:12 2001 (#351)

Yeah this is gonna be a whole bunch of stuff jumbled together bc I'm too lazy to make a whole bunch of different posts to say all of this! lol. A majority of this may be venting, just to warn you, so don't feel the need to respond or even to read...

First - I went shopping the other day, and it really bugged me how the one store I was in had those "You are being monitored" signs in the dressing room. I was trying on skirts, and if the store really did have cameras (bc I know some just put those signs to scare you), I must have looked like a freak trying to change clothes without my scarred, cut up, ugly thighs showing. I had to put on a skirt over the previous one, and then take it off..it was 1-very difficult and 2-very annoying.

Next, ok and this is kind of weird, does anyone else pick at their fingers? I have picked at the skin around my fingernails for as long as I remember. And I mean, not just picking, like tearing big hunks of skin off. Is that SI? I have NEVER considered that SI. But last week I was doing it in homeroom, and the girl behind me was like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" And I don't even remember what I said, something about picking at a piece of loose skin (my finger was bleeding pretty bad) and she was like, "It looks so painful." And it got me thinking, bc for as long as I can remember doing that, I can't think of a single time when I have felt pain while doing it. And I mean, I can pull of pretty big pieces of skin that cause a lot of blood flow, but I don't feel pain. So is that SI? Am I really really weird? Does anyone else do that?

Hmmmmmm....yep I know there was something else I wanted to ask...but I forgot. Shoot. Owell...ok well happy holidays. Lots of love, take care and stay safe!

Ok..remembered what I was gonna say...
Posted by *me* on Tue Dec 25 01:04:34 2001 (#352)

But I am blocked from my own freaking post so I can't just reply to it and add what I forgot...

Yeah..the thought of food..it like repulses me. When I was shopping and trying on skirts - I've apparently gone down 2 sizes. I don't consider myself anorexic or bulimic. No, I don't eat MUCH, but I eat. And I don't ALWAYS make myself throw up. If I'm home alone, or my mom's in the shower or something and I have the OPPORTUNITY to do it, I will. But lately, even the thought of food makes my stomach churn. After I eat, I literally feel like I'm going to vomit. What's wrong with me?

Re: Ok..remembered what I was gonna say...
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Tue Dec 25 01:47:20 2001 (#353)

your not alone with the whole eating thinger. not at all. i have become so obsessed with my weight again. oh well. i want to loose weight i have to. i have never made myself throw up, but one of my best friends does. shes getting help though. why cant i just have the perfect body. oh sorry. yeah but your not alone. lots of love

Re: Ok..remembered what I was gonna say...
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Tue Dec 25 09:29:09 2001 (#355)

I am buliemic, I have been for about 3 or 4 years now, when I eat I feel a sense of guilt, and shame, I feel like complete shit for eating, therefore I vomit to get rid of it, and after I have vomited I feel much more content, with knowing that the food that I have just eating and thrown up is not going to make me put on any weight, eating dissorders are not all about weight though, mainly yes, but then after a while it becomes a control thing, as in, if you are buliemic you can control when you are being sick and monitor what you are eating as well as with anorexia (I used to be anorexic).
If you find you will just completely pig out, eat everything in sight, and then throw up, that is called a binge, we binge eat for comfort, and then throw it up for the satisfaction of not having that food in you, and having it making us put on weight, dont get me wrong this may not be the same for you, but I am just saying how I feel with my eating dissorders. Buliemia is not a good thing to get into, it rots the enamal on your teeth with stomach acids constantly coming up, and it also fucks with the flap of skin near your stomach entrance, mine has almost completely disintagrated due to constant vomiting for these years.
I hope you get this sorted, I wish I didnt have to do this but it has become an addiction, and I cannot help it, it is a routine, everytime I eat I go to the bathroom and throw up. People notice and question..it has gotten to the point where I can hardly keep anything down, I even feel need to be sick when I have had something as little as a drink of water. It just wont stay down, because of the skin by my stomach that has disintagrated.

It's not nice...
Hope things work out.
Love always.
CriMSoN*TeARs

crimson*tears
Posted by *me* on Wed Dec 26 20:30:50 2001 (#362)

I'm blocked from your response!!! arrrrrrrggggh. Ok, that makes me really peeved. Well...thank you for plying...if you could C+P it onto the old board or something..I'd like to know what you said. Thanks.

Re: Ok..remembered what I was gonna say...
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 27 14:34:50 2001 (#373)

hey, i don't know what i can say in a sort of comforting manner but i will say that ur not alone, i get like, that, it's not too bad right now, but sometimes i really just can't eat, and if someone makes me, i have to throw up, i can't help it, the food just makes me feel gdisgusting and ashamed.
take care, xx

Re: Ok..remembered what I was gonna say...
Posted by star on Sun Dec 30 00:24:23 2001 (#399)

um babe i think this shows a problem? im worried talk to me whats what im here for i love u unconditionally AMz xx

EVERYONE!
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Tue Dec 25 09:15:22 2001 (#354)

Hi all..
Just posting to say that I hope you all have a great Christmas and drink lots and lots!
If nothing else is good, alcohol always is, and what better excuse do we have to use than CHRISTMAS!!!
Have a good one, speak to you all soon.
Love, Roses and Pitbulls.
CrimSoN*TeArs

my useless life
Posted by cindy on Tue Dec 25 23:51:18 2001 (#359)

I haven't posted in ages...it takes too much efort but I;m here and to be honest all I want to do is kill myself "sometimes my burden is mre than I can bear, it's not dark yet but it's getting there" (bob dylan) don't you just love it when someone manages to say what you've beentrying to utter for so damn long your throat hurts?? well now it's not just my throat that hurts but my head, my heart, my whole. and I want to die. and yet why the fuck am I saying this?? am I looking for pity?? attention?? I have no fucking clue. I just feel dumb now. nothing matters. although the pain is there it seems to be overwhlmed by a sense of nothing. nothing matters. nothing exists. nothing will ever make sense. just nothing. but by that logic then killing myself wuld be nothing. so by that logic when I die there will be nothing and I can't imagine a more pleasant thought. "it's not dark yet but it;s getting there" cindy xox

cindy
Posted by Erin on Wed Dec 26 02:27:39 2001 (#360)

I was blocked from reading your post...I have no idea why but I feel like what your subject said. my useless life. this christmas vacation hasn't been good at all. I haven't had one good day yet. my bf has been either working or at his moms house so I havent really gotten to talk to him that much. my moms been bothering me a lot..which really isnt surprising so all I've been really doing is sleeping, going online, talking to my bf as much as i can and thats probably it. all my friends have been busy with their families and I dont have any. so its been boring and depressing

this new domain is really comming along
Posted by *Poison on Wed Dec 26 20:22:10 2001 (#361)

*see subject* i last visited when they first announced that they were bringing PSYKE over here, and all it was was the forum. does anyone know if they are going to just leave it as it is or keep updating it so there will be new poetry etc. because as we all know they haven't updated the old psyke for a LONG time. just wondering

Amanda

Re: this new domain is really comming along
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Dec 27 08:12:38 2001 (#372)

I think they are still keeping the old forum up as some people are blocked from the psyke board by parent blocking things etc, I dont know about the poetry, though I posted some poems to be put up ages ago when the psyke board first came up but they havent been put on, any idea why?.. do they have to be copy righted?. If anyone knows why Id be glad if the could tell me,
Love,
CriMsOn*TeArS

day after x-mas still sucks!!D!
Posted by Kristina on Wed Dec 26 22:31:47 2001 (#363)

Hey everyone, this is the first time im posting on this board. Iv been cutting for the last 3 monthes, i no thats like not that long but i feel like iv been doing it for ever, i cut a min. of 6-7 times a day. Aside from the SI iv been Anorexic for the last 3-4 years and depressed for as long as i can remeber.Iv attemped to OD once but that was never that big a deal, im pretty sure everyone has. Im kinda freaking out cause tomarow i have to go talk to a Shrink for the first time. Its kinda funny that my paretns after, 4 years, now deside that something might be wrong with me. Im just gonna try and BS my way through it, if anyone knows whats gonna happen, i could use the advice.

Re: day after x-mas still sucks!!D!
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Dec 27 02:38:50 2001 (#366)

Hey Kristina,
I posted to you on the old board so you might
want to check it out. Welcome.
Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: day after x-mas still sucks!!D!
Posted by CryingRedTears on Thu Dec 27 02:39:42 2001 (#367)

okay-as someone who is/was sorta/kinda in your situation, i have a bit of advice.(call it advice, call it demonic ordering, call it what you will...) first of all, congrats on not cutting for 3 months. that's longer than i've ever gone(7 weeks and two days, woo!). i know whatcha mean about parents just now thinking that something's wrong. they just don't want to admit it, which isn't surprising at all. but when you go see the head doc, don't bs it right off. have a certain wall and don't let them in right away, but see if you like them. if yes and you trust them (i don't want it to sound like i think this is easy b/c it's certainly not) then try to use the therapy. sometimes what the say isn't all that ignorant (and other times it is). but if you don't trust them, don't tell 'em a damn thing. good luck and mad love-

you have just experienced a mind dribble by:
brittany

Re: day after x-mas still sucks!!D!
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Dec 27 08:05:32 2001 (#371)

hey sweetheart
Ok, You sound sooooo much like me, I attempted suidide by Over dose in February, and I have been anorexic and buliemic for years now, although now'a days it tends to just be buliemia.
I have been through alot of depression, on and off, for years, and I also SI.
Firstly, the theropy wont be anything bad, when I first started going, I thought that Id hate it etc, and I was as worried as you are, I didnt like the idea of strangers poking their noses into my life and asking me personal questions that only I can know blah blah.. it felt like a complete invasion of privacy, BUT.. I went, as I was told after my overdose, that if I did not go and see a counceller then I would not be allowed out of hospital, as I had refused to see a counceller previously, so basically it was either that or stay in hospital.
Anyway, the woman was nice enough, asked me a few questions, and we just chatted, its sometimes nice to go and rant at someone that you dont know, then it doesnt matter how they judge you, with all respect... you came here for help, so you may as well go to the theropy, at least they can offer you professional help, rather than just babbling on like I am here.
Best of luck.
Love,
CriMsOn*TeArS

Blocking Posts
Posted by Linda on Wed Dec 26 23:22:03 2001 (#364)

I keep reading different messages about posts being blocked. I have trouble when I first come on the board with opening the first message I try to open. If I go ahead and open another it opens correctly and then I can go back to the one I had trouble opening in the first place. I assumed this was something in error on my computer but possibly it is happening to many. I have no clue why that is!

Thanks Everyone!
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Dec 27 02:44:24 2001 (#368)

I just wanted to thank all of you who prayed for
my grandma. They still don't give her long to live, but her pain is less now. I know all the
prayers helped. When I told her that I asked a lot
of friends to pray her pain would lessen, she wanted me to thank you also. I wish all of you
could know her. She is an amazing woman. Anyway,
thanks and all of you are in my prayers also.
Take care and email if anyone wants to talk.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Thanks Everyone!
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Dec 27 07:56:04 2001 (#370)

You are very welcome Rhonda, I am sorry to hear that she is still very ill, but I hope her pain is not as bad as it was.
Much Love, to you and your Grandmother.
CriMsON*TeArs

Re: Thanks Everyone!
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 28 05:02:08 2001 (#382)

Dear Rhonda,
I've been praying for your grandma. I'm glad she's not suffering as much anymore. I'm sure your company is making everything beter for her too. Take care of yourself.

Luv Maggie.

*ME*....THIS IS WHAT I SAID
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Thu Dec 27 07:54:04 2001 (#369)

Hey *me*, hope you are able to read this one!! I C + P it onto this instead..

It's not nice...
Hope things work out.
Love always.
CriMSoN*TeARs

Re: *ME*....THIS IS WHAT I SAID
Posted by *me* on Thu Dec 27 20:08:34 2001 (#377)

Hi! Thanks for C&P it..I was able to read it...who knows why the other one was blocked?? ::sighs::

Thanks for sharing with me. I feel like that a lot. I don't know, though. I don't throw up every time because I can't..my house is incredibly quiet. I'm at the point right now where I just don't want to put any food in my mouth. It sickens me to even think about food.

Anyways..I hope things get sorted out, too - for both of us! Take care and stay safe. Lots of love.

Re: *ME*....THIS IS WHAT I SAID
Posted by Erin on Thu Dec 27 22:22:01 2001 (#378)

I've been close to throwing up but I havent. I dont eat that much..usually just once a day. sometimes it sickens me to think of food too. I hope everything gets better for you

Re: *ME*....THIS IS WHAT I SAID
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 28 07:04:17 2001 (#387)

Okay...
I have to agree with crimson on this one. I was bulimic for 10 years. And thanks to all the years of binging and purging.... my stomach lining is screwed to hell... my teeth are horrible in the back... my esophugus is scarred.. and my uterus is tipped so bad that I couldn't even give birth to my son... they had to cut me open. Not to mention all of the broken capillaries I have... permantly PURPLE... It's not attractive.

Please get some help... there are SO many resources on this disease today.

I always said that cutting is the new eating disorder.. back 10 years ago, nobody talked about eating disorders... now they are as common as sneezing.... but cutting... it is often hard to find help for that.

Sorry, I'm being random again
*steps down off of soapbox*
~laura rose

merry crimblemas
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 27 14:46:52 2001 (#374)

hope that you all had a good christmas. or at least bearable anyway! xxx

Re: merry crimblemas
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 28 05:07:09 2001 (#383)

I spent my first Christmas away from home as I'm in the USA for 3.5 months.
But it was still a wonderful day, since I am staying in San Diego with Nuni. She bought me this wacky book called 'The Vagina Monologues'...it's quite a liberating read for women.
I personally love Christmas...it's mystical and surreal. I hope other people had such an enjoyable celebration.

Luv Maggie.

they come back soon :-)
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 27 15:02:57 2001 (#375)

woo-hoo, my grandparents are coming back from spain next week! on new years day. i can't wait to see them, i can't believe it's been 2 months! but there is a down side. my dad is still on about getting a house and me living with him again. i mean, at the moment it's alright he's being nice since sue told him about me going to the docs (but not about the cutting cos she don't know that). but it seems sooo false, i know he wouldn't be like this otherwise, and i know he keeps nearly shouting at me then not, and last nite, he was looking at my eyes 9cos one was so puffed up from a cat i could hardly open it) and he was like, have you been smoking weed? and when i said yes, he just carried on with the drops for my eye, then went to bed. it's wierd. it makes me feel like i have to be all happy and niceness all of the time just because of this and i can't do it. sometimes i just want to curl up, but it makes me feel bad b/c he's trying. oh, yeah, what i was gonna say was that i don't know what to do if he does get a house, i don't want to live with him, i like it where i am. but what if they want me to move out when he gets a house? i don't know what to do.
and i think my sister know about the cutting. not all of it, but i have a couple of scars on my hand and her and my brother where like 'why do you have razors in your bag'? 'what are those scars on your hand'? my brother was juust taking the piss saying i was giving blood to satan or something, but my sister knew i'd done it and was trying to pull up my sleeve. what if she tries it again? i wouldn't know what to do. it's all so fucked up. and i lost a couple of pounds again. and i don't care. i really don't. in fact, i think it's not a bad thing at all. there's all these ppl telling me i need to put weight on like my mum, and just about my whole family. but i don't care, they just want me to get fat, and i'm not gonna do it. i don't wanna get fat. they can try, and say, oh ur too thin, but i know it's all just to trty to make me fat. i think maybe that 'they' have something to do with it. they tried talking to me but it didn't work, i realised what they were doing so they stopped talking to me to try to make me think i was going crazy. so now they're trying to get me to be fat. i saw this picture of me and it soo wasn't me. i know that now, at first i was freaked, but i think 'they' did something to it, because i'm not THAT skinny. i don't know why, but they're trying to upset me big stylee. what with the watching me and messing with my life. but i won't let them. ha ha ha fuck you. bastards. i'm not insane, i nkow what's happening so fuck off and die.
xxx

ignore me
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 27 15:10:49 2001 (#376)

ignore me, i didn't mean to write all of that. i wasn't gonna tell. i'm not mad. just ignore me. xx

Re: ignore me
Posted by Emm on Fri Dec 28 00:26:59 2001 (#379)

jo, babe i honestly dont know what to say..i dont thin your insane, sometimes tho things you say kinda scare me (thats not a bad thing,i just worry too much as you already know...)why did u mail me hun and tell me no to read? i dont usually use this board to be honest,i dont understand how it works, you cant read responses to posts??? or maybe i'm being thick :P lol.
you know i have a morid curiousity thing going on (like most people) if you truly didnt want me to read baby, you should have not told me u posted..lol, that makes me sounds nosey! :P again,,,,l0l.
love u emm xx

Jo your not *crazy*
Posted by star on Sun Dec 30 00:20:13 2001 (#398)

Joey, you arent crazy baby at all i think thought when you have your next appointment with that woman you should tell her about *them* or talk to me ill try and help you. i love you forever Amz xxx

Death Plan?
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 28 05:00:42 2001 (#381)

How many of you have a death olan... a particular age at which you will kill yourself if things aren't better by then?

Just wondering.
Maggie.

Re: Death Plan?
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Fri Dec 28 06:36:45 2001 (#384)

there are three events in which i will kill myself

1. if i went deaf
i couldn't live without being able to hear i could go blind and be OK with it (as ok as one can be i suppose) but if i went deaf that would be it.

2. if i lost an arm
if i lost an arm i wouldn't be able to play guitar and i would totally freak out and i wouldn't be able to live at all

3. if i go to bed on christmas eve with no one in the house and no one is going to be there in the morning
self explanetry i think christmas is a time for closness and if i had no-one i would kill myself

nine weeks and no cuts

have fun and stay beautiful

like a leaf in the autumn breeze

Re: Death Plan?
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 28 06:51:46 2001 (#386)

If my son died... I couldn't live. If I became a junkie again, I wouldn't want to live. If my boyfriend died or if he left... I would want to kill myself... but I would try to make it without him.
~laura rose

Re: Death Plan?
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Dec 28 08:36:02 2001 (#388)

If I lost my friends,
if I lost my hands, i wouldnt be able to play piano,
if I lost my voice. I wouldnt be able to sing,
Also if I lost the ability to write poetry some how, I couldnt live without them, they are what I survive on.
Love roses and empathy.
CriMsON*TeArS

I can't think of a subject title....
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 28 06:49:16 2001 (#385)

So it was Christmas the other day. Merry Christmas. I was really happy to see that I finally got my acoustic guitar. It's a Goya, which is a vintage folk-ish guitar. Which works out perfectly, since I love playing Sarah McLachlan music. Plus, the songs I write tend to have a folk type sound.

I lost it a bit on Christmas eve... I spent a good portion of my night burning and cutting my arm up.. but I'm alright. I'm not really sure why I was so upset. Perhaps I need to go back on my medication.

Then tonight, I couldn't stop crying. It all started when I decided to go clothes shopping. Well, I get really upset when I see so many things that I want... and when I try them on... NOTHING fits. I can never find pants that fit... shirts are hell for me... All I seem to have is skirts. UGH!!! I set everything down and walked out of the store. I cried the whole way home. Hm... perhaps I should go back to being an anorexic. Nah.. but life was better then... LOL.. that's a really sick statement.

I've just been really sad lately... I don't feel I'm good enough, which I know is as normal as breathing around here... but I'm tired of being sad. I want to buy a treadmill, but I need $300... which I don't have.

Ugh... I feel like crying again.
Sorry for being so random.
I hope all of you are well
*hugs*
~laura rose

Re: I can't think of a subject title....
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Dec 28 08:36:40 2001 (#389)

hope you feel better soon sweetheart.
Much Love.
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: I can't think of a subject title....
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Dec 28 09:02:05 2001 (#390)

by the way, I have fallen in love with your site and your poetry! The are amazing, I wish I could write like that.
Love
CriMsON*TeArS

Re: I can't think of a subject title....
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 28 17:04:59 2001 (#392)

Hi Laura,
I can relate to what you are saying. When I was bulimic things made more sense. Im thinking it has to do with having control over a small aspect of your life. Weight seems to be the only thing we can control, because it is all our own.

Laura, I love you so much. I'm glad you have your guitar now. I think its time we sit around in my room on the bean bags, I think those were Lori's, she wont mind. And you can play Sarah for us. Take care!!
Huge Hugs,
Nuni

Psyke Poems....
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Dec 28 09:06:00 2001 (#391)

Hey all,
Sorry to sound dumb, but I posted some poetry for the psyke board and the old board into the poetry section thingy, and it still hasn't gone up?.. Does anyone know why this is?. Do they just choose certain poems? Or do they have to have proof of copywrite or something? I would be very greatful if someone could tell me.
Thanks.
Love always,
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: Psyke Poems....
Posted by *Poison on Sun Dec 30 09:03:59 2001 (#402)

I know that on the old board they stopped updating that a LONG time ago, and i don't believe that it will be updated ever again, all the new updates will be on this page. and if u have sent it here, then maybe it just takes awhile for them to post it, or maybe they are on vacation.

Amanda

p.s. i like ur webpage

Re: Psyke Poems....
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sun Dec 30 11:30:28 2001 (#403)

ahh right, I posted them as soon as this board came up, hmm how annoying!! oh well, thanks for the compliment about my site *poisen :-)
Love always,
CriMsON*TeArS

useless being the noun AND the verb
Posted by cindy on Fri Dec 28 19:45:20 2001 (#393)

I hate having to see my dad-because I never in fact see him-I travel all this way-seven hours in the car and I barely even see him-I get to spend time with my two utter brats for step sisters. except we sat down this evening to watch hollyoaks(dont know how many of your are british but hey) they've got a cutter storyline and my dad took it upon himself to say how stupid it was and how it was all attention seeking and he knows his children are at least balanced enough never to do that. what a joke. on the plus side I managed to get through another xmas without killing myself-I always thought it would be perfect if I killed myself xmas day-I suppose some of you might think that's sick but I always thought it was the best plan. I guess I'll have to wait til next year. shit. oh well enough fucking around with these words. I'll leave you all to yourselves and wish a a happy new year(bit early I know but hey) I hope everyone's 2002 is a lot better than this year cos I haven't as yet met someone who's had a good 2001. take care of yourselves. cindy xox

Re: useless being the noun AND the verb
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 28 23:48:33 2001 (#394)

that is really true...about the year 2001...it sucked for me. i found self injury and drugs.but i have given up drugs... everything has changed for everyone. the same goes for me, i have not talked to anyone whose year was good.

Re: useless being the noun AND the verb
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 29 07:38:47 2001 (#396)

Okay, I may be pissing people off by saying this... but I think in a way, we all had a good year, in the sense that we were blessed... I mean... some really horrible things have happened in the world these past few months.. a lot of tragic things... and we are all here... and every day we are given a new chance to change ourselves (or our surroundings, for those of us who are old enough to be away from home). Yeah... a lot of things have been really shitty... I'll be the first to agree with that... but just remember that you ARE still alive, even if you don't feel much like living... and as long as you are alive... you have the ability to turn your life around...
I mean, look at me... 5 years ago.. I was a meth junkie... I was homeless... I was cutting all the time.. doing about $300 worth of dope a day... found out I was pregnant... I had nothing. Now I'm 24... I have a beautiful 3 i/2 year old son (who I have new pictures of Nuni)... I'm working, and supporting myself and my family.. I have a boyfriend who loves me to death.. Yeah, I still cut.. and I still am depressed often... but I'm alive, and I have changed a lot over the past few years.

I look forward to seeing the changes in all of you... And I will be right here to help you when you need me.

Take care.
~laura rose.

about lori (delirious butterfly)
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 29 07:23:39 2001 (#395)

Okay... some of you longer term members might remember my best friend Lori....She came to the old psyke board around the same time I did. She's my best friend... and I love her to death. Well, at the old board, I'm sure you will all remember the ugly fall-out, that I'm sad to say I was a part of. At the time, I was just speaking from my heart and being honest.... but now I've learned that some things are better left unsaid, and that I should keep my opinions to myself at times.

Sorry, I'm rambling... Where was I? Oh yeah. I don't talk to Lori much anymore... she works all the time, and I'm doing the same... but I'm going to email her and tell her about this board.... It would be wonderful if she stopped by every once in a while... I just wanted to let you guys know.... Does anyone know what happened to Fran? Just curious... I'm still waiting to hear from Neal...I hope he's okay... Nuni, have you talked to him? I email him... but I don't hear back.

Oh, and I put a down payment on a new treadmill today.. I can't wait till I have the money to pay for the rest of it!!

I hope all of you are well...
~laura rose

Re: about lori (delirious butterfly)
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 29 10:11:52 2001 (#397)

Hi Laura,
Nope, I have not heard from Neal in quite a while. A LONG LONG WHILE! I spoke to Lori about a month ago, she loves her job. I think its perfect for her. Fran: Last time I heard she wasnt doing too well, that is the impression I got. I did get an e-mail from her. She doesnt have much access to a computer. Lets pray that she is doing alright.

Take care, HUGE HUGS!!
Luv Nuni.