Amy

Copyright, Amy

I can remember the first time I cut... It was to see how hard it would be to slice my wrists... It then moved on to experiements with different blades... Finally I took the chance and tried to kill my self... (Feb 1997) The cut was deep and needed stitches... It was an odd sensation... I suddenly felt better... This rush accually saved me. I didnt finish the suicide... I tried 2 more times within a month... Each of these times getting deeper and more dangerous. Again, I would feel better almost imediatly... I found that it was like a drug. I hated having to spend the night in the hospital everytime I went in for stitches... So I started cutting less deep... I found that I could cut and get the same rush without the stitches.

I cut when I cant stand the pain anymore... Sometimes I get such an overwhelming wave of emotional pain that I feel like my soul will surely shatter completely... I can feel the pressure building up till I have to do something. Suicide has proven a failure for me, so I resort to cutting, cutting gives me imediate release... And the pain will subside for a while, giving me enough of a break to pull my sh*t together temporarally. Stress and rejection, and abandonment (of course) are the main triggers. Its sounds stupid, I know... But even a baby crying at the supermarket is enough to set me off... I look at my scars... And I look at my cuts... Did I do this?

How can someone do this? I have the same doubts that "normal" people do about cutting... It is scary. But when I am in the moment... It is the only thing I can think of.