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AJ (Soul) © A.J. Mahari (Soul) I do not self-harm anymore, but, when I did, self-harm was my way of trying to get feelings that I was very dissociated from out. I was unable to cry, I was not in touch with my own feelings and I hated myself. I felt damaged, no good and unworthy... So, I would cut, which was both self-harm, a way of punishing myself and a way of trying to soothe and take care of myself. Watching myself bleed was the release that my emotions so needed... But instead of actually releasing the emotions I cut myself, bled, and then I would have to "take care of, or nurture myself" while I tended to the wounds that did not require hospital treatment. For any cuts that did require hospital treatment, I then in some way felt, "nurtured" or "cared for" by the doctors and nurses that had to take care of my wounds. While I was cutting I had no idea that this is what I was doing. All I knew then was that I was doing what I had strong urges and impulses to do... Because, at the time, I did not know, at all, what else to do. When I was still harming myself, I not only cut, but, I also would often drive my fists repeatedly into concrete and or brick walls. I would also punch myself, and hit myself with things as well. It was very much me 'acting out' or replaying a lot of the abuse that I had suffered in my past. Sometimes, when we have been abused, and we then get away from the original abuser, we end up either finding another abuser, or abusing ourselves... Simply and tragically because it is all we know. If you are interested in trying to stop any self-harming behaviour please read my account of how and why I stopped self-harming. Top of page Webmaster: wulff@ratatosk.net |