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A letter to Self-Injury by Anonymous, Original location October 2, 1998 Dear Cutting, You have helped me tremendously over the past two years. In the beginning, the very first time, I used you for attention. As much as I don't like to admit it, that's what I did. It was negative attention and I found that I was uncomfortable by that attention. I felt I deserved your darkness,cutting. And when I was angry, I cut to calm down and I felt that it was the only real way to express the terrible rage I felt toward my parents, my mom's boyfriends, and most of all myself. I cut when I was sad and broken, which was behind my anger. And it got to the point where I cut when I was content. I've never been truly "happy." I cut to feel clean again, though I can't quite remember what made me feel dirty. You became my addiction after two or three months. Cutting made me feel strong and in control. I couldn't make my dad stop drinking, I couldn't make my mom stop throwing up or admit what she did in Cambridge, I couldn't change the past. I never could and never will. But I did cut. I cut a lot. I had my own ritual and every time I followed my ritual I felt stronger at first, and then ashamed. So incredibly ashamed. When I tried to cry, no tears came. So I cried bloody tears. It made me feel crazy and to this day I understand most of the reasons but not all of them. I won't forget the sad, disgusted, angry looks of therapists, parents, friends, and hospital staff. I haven't used you in a long time but I never thought of writing you a letter. Now I am saying goodbye, cutting. Goodbye to the security, the false control, the shame...and thank you for keeping me alive during the most difficult times. Sincerely, Anonymous Top of page Webmaster: wulff@ratatosk.net |